#like the society here really revolves around us needing to find a partner for life

[languri]

Living in a conservative country, I personally find that saying that I am a lesbian to people (that I find to be open minded and safe to come out to) is much much easier than explaining to them that I am aro because I never have to deal with people trying to justify that I like girls when I say I am a lesbian but the moment I say "I'm aro I'm not interested in dating nor romance", the reaction is always, ALWAYS them saying that I haven't find the right person yet and I will change my mind the moment I fall in love 🙄

[ina-nis]

It’s crazy to think about it... like how much of socializing culture revolves around alcohol (and drugs) and sex, at least in western societies but it feels like it’s a thing everywhere... Trying to find my place in the world as someone traumatized from substance abuse (I have no interest doing alcohol or any drugs) and in the asexual spectrum.

It was a thing when I was a teenager and felt out of place between peers, some of the bullying I suffered for being “too weird” and “abnormal” for not doing what everyone was doing, not even experimenting. How could I? With so much fear and no support, it never felt safe whatsoever. I always wanted to stay away from any kind of drug and I never sought physical relationships, only emotional ones. Not surprisingly, a lot of the “experimentation” had to do with having lots of relationships and not a lot of commitment or long-term plans, emotions would just get in the way. There was all that and also the issues with my queerness, in special my gender, adding yet another layer of alienation.

It continued to be a thing as a young adult, when I sought community, people with mutual interests and dealt with the exact same issues, it drove me away from these as well.

It continued to be a thing as an adult, when I sought queer spaces and community that would have a better understanding of my experiences but the culture didn’t change.

I get it, I am the odd one out. I’m here now, “stuck” with “childish” interests and a, seemingly, prude existence. That’s what I show on the outside at least. But slowly, I’ve been trying to show how I feel on the inside. For example, I am into kink, I have lots of interests that could be considered messed up because I am a messed up person. I like being that way.

I think my existence is far from prude, I just take no pleasure in using substances, even more when I have issues with addiction. To me, it’s not something I’m willing to risk, so it’s one of my non-negotiable boundaries. I prefer to stay away from people who use substances, even though that would mean being away from virtually everyone. Fine by me. I exist, I’m sure there’s others like me. I would not want a relationship with a person who drinks often, etc. I’m not judging others for their lives, I’m just determining what is best for my own life. Whatever people do is none of my business. I don’t have to explain or justify myself, but I believe it’s good courtesy. If that makes me a prude or a boring person, it’s literally a non-issue for me, I don’t want to be around people who think being sober is a childish or laughable thing.

I have not had the opportunity to explore my sexuality either. It’s sucks. It really does. Unfortunately, I cannot do the physical stuff first. There’s a need to build a relationship beforehand. I noticed with the whole “experimentation” thing people were more interested in fulfilling some “itch” or physical needs, or maybe something else that was much less “restraining” and serious. Not a problem at all, just not something I ever wanted to do because that meant even more pain and rejection (and, again, the whole gender thing being a huge issue).

So... when I see the “options” I have to obtain what I want, they’re all things that would probably work, but it would go exactly as the things I’ve been avoiding because they do not work for me: sure I could maybe find a partner if I started showing up in the local queer scene, the bars and clubs around the city. Same thing if I started using dating apps and matching with people in my area, going for dates, etc... I could definitely do those things! But it requires me to show up regularly. It takes too much energy to be in a place where I know people will be using alcohol and other substances; likewise, it’s too nervewracking to be talking to someone in a app designed to find sexual partners or casual encounters.

Well, I do have my “childish” interests, right? Also not surprisingly, people in those are not interested in dating from what I’ve seen, or they’re already in established relationships and can engage in their interests due to already having some stability in life, and so on. When I do find available people, I deal with the exact same drug (and to a lesser degree, hooking up) issue and it’s honestly exhausting. It’s hard to find people my age that are single, etc... it’s pretty dire.

It’s nobody’s fault and not something I’m willing to put myself through, even if we have the most perfect chemistry and relationship in the world. I have to keep reminding and telling myself that this doesn’t make me too rigid or strict, and it’s not a matter of having too high standards and impenetrable boundaries. Maybe it is, but this is where I am right now, those are my needs and things that I’m not willing to put up with, so I won’t put up with them. Again, I have not found anyone who could make me rethink it - and I’m always open to negotiating.

This whole ordeal is a real pain in the ass because, take a look at my last few entries... it’s always the same things, the same complaints, the same problems... my life is going all kinds of places but I’m still alone and, because I don’t have many more stressful things happening anymore, this takes all the space it wants in my head.

My life is avoidance and distractions and it still isn’t enough. If I’m not fighting other battles, I’ll have to face this and what am I supposed to do? The whole problem is that I’m alone, the solution is to find someone(s) I can be close with and have a romantic relationship. If I don’t go places and don’t do things then I’m not getting that. I hope I’ll find someone on Tumblr but, unironically (again), people too young and many on the aromantic spectrum. Even if the age wasn’t an issue, their orientation makes them unavailable to me.

A lot of the good things coming up in my life are active triggers to my AvPD, too, as if I weren’t dealing with enough from this disorder. Constant reminders that I have no social support that is not a doctor or some other professional, and no friends I can count or confide on. I suspect it might take 2-3 years to process and grieve the loss of my safe person/best friend (not dead, they just dropped me), and I’ll be nearing the age limit I put on myself.

Interesting, isn’t it? Reading some stories of people with AvPD, we all have this in common: we keep going until we don’t. Life feels meaningless and suicide is always an option, it’s too much work, but maybe it isn’t after you get to a certain point.

I think I was 12 or 13 when I decided which age I would die. I’m getting there and things didn’t get any easier or less painful, even with all the wonderful experiences and little droplets of happiness I found throughout the years.

This makes is so much more painful because the good things cannot compare in intensity, despite trying my hardest to focus on them. After all, they too, have a expire date. Even if that was not the case, they still don’t erase the pain and the loneliness.

I feel like focusing on the positives and being optimistic is just another form of avoidance to me.

I went out there, kept meeting unavailable people and it only made things worse and worse. I have lost interest in trying the same stuff again without any good outcome to balance it out, without any guarantees it will be different this time (there’s none). I’m burnt out from trying and that only made my longing scream stronger and louder. It’s a pain. I want it gone but I know it will never go away because it’s a good part of me and I’ll hold onto the good parts whether I like it or not.

Despite it all, I still have hope.

That breaks me.

Hope is painful because it makes me vulnerable. I want to steel my heart, but there’s softness and kindness inside, there’s the pure love and longing from several years that has no outlet. It’s choking me. This is not something I can do on my own.

I need someone.

[bigfatjeebusblog]

A Small Regret

CW: Dark, Gainer Fantasy, Heart Attack, Death

Dresden applied soap to a washcloth he was using to wash his face, rinsing the cloth then under the warm water.  Feeling the warmth in his hands, he brought the cloth up to his face and gently rubbed his cheeks and his massive chin.  Drying his face on the hand towel beside him, Dresden looked at his body and was not happy.  Huge breasts, a massive gut that flopped in the sink, and giant jowls showed years of massive food blowouts due to his food addiction.  Dresden pulled his belly out of the sink, which was slightly wet, and dried his belly off on his shorts.  Moving over to his bathroom scale, Dresden waited for the sound of the scale to prompt him to step up on it.  He did, and waited a few minutes…564 lbs.  Dresden smiled, he lost 10 lbs since seeing Dr. Then at the weight loss clinic.  He was going in for the “surgery” in 2 days.  He waddled out of the bathroom and over to his bed, where he sat down, hearing creaking noises.  

“God, I want McDonald’s so bad….”, Dresden wondered as he flipped through the food delivery apps on his phone.  Taking heavy breaths, Dresden thought of how he had to lose weight for his job and for his family.  Truth be told, Dresden was rather okay as a larger person, it was society that he disliked.  He often raged at society, as he loved himself, however society wanted him to be something else entirely.

He flipped through the straight dating apps on his phone, however he would often, in secret, look at clothes shopping magazines at the models.  As his clothes were often in the 8-9 XL bracket, usually he admired big men, their strength and of course, their drive to eat.

Eating was all Dresden could think about.  From morning until night, thinking about recipes, new restaurants, different experiences, Dresden loved the feeling of anything in his mouth.

He even loved, secretly, to pleasure guys also, going down to the local truckstop on occasion.  There was one experience that he liked, however had to always dismiss it due to the need to keep his job.

One night, 2 months ago, Dresden met up with a man known as “Zed”, who was looking to provide any big guy with a good time, providing that they put on a blindfold and would not allow anyone to see him.  Zed-of course-was an alias.  Zed met with Dresden in the dark, at 3AM in the morning, at a local truckstop.   Upon meeting, Dresden hobbled out of his small car, struggling to get out.  Zed watched him and smiled from a distance.  He was going to have fun with this fatty.

Zed, wearing a ski mask, pulled Dresden aside, and told him not to look at him and to wear a blindfold.  Dresden, wanting the ability to receive any release as a big guy (it was 3 years since he last had sex with anyone), obliged.  

All Dresden remembers at that point is Zed pulled him into a van and kept feeding him fried chicken, and sucked him off. 

It was the best experience Dresden ever had sexually, and he could not stop thinking about it.

Which is why this surgery sucked.  Dresden looked for months, trying to find Zed again, however could not find him.  

And so to keep his job and to possibly find a partner, Dresden begrudgingly was forced into gastric sleeve surgery.

Looking at his phone, Dresden realized he wanted to have his obesity go out with one “big bang” to end all binges.  He would still be within the threshold of Dr. Then’s requirements and be ready for the surgery in 2 days. 

Waddling over to the bedroom mirror, Dresden took a picture of himself with just his briefs on.  He then called an erotic bakery and requested a special order - an entire sheet cake with his naked picture on it, made of buttercream and chocolate.  They let him know, while it was a weird request, they would honor it and it would be ready tomorrow.

Dresden hung up the phone, put on his CPAP mask, and fell asleep, smiling and drifting off, thinking about his cake tomorrow.

Waking up, Dresden started his day, first by eating a small breakfast (god he hated this diet), then showering.  Showering was really hard for Dresden since there was so much of him...he needed a special wand to get to all of his areas, especially those between his thighs and belly.  His ass was huge, and he thankfully could get there with the wand.  As he washed his body, his huge belly and moobs jiggled as he tried to move in the shower.  He just wanted to sit down so bad, as all of the fat made him so tired.  He got out of the shower, dried off, and got dressed.  

He decided to put on a tight t-shirt to be proud that he was engaging in his last day of “obesity”.  He was so happy he could eat this cake...it was all he could think of.

Getting in his small car, squeezing into it, Dresden drove to the bakery.  Arriving at the bakery, he saw a familiar figure in the car behind him, however he couldn’t pinpoint where he saw this person.  

Dresden parked his car and squeezed out.  The other person in the car who was trailing him parked across the street, and he saw him get out. 

He could swear this guy was watching him.  Dresden walked into the bakery and picked up the cake.

“Are you the guy who ordered the fatty cake?”, the baker asked.

“Yup!”, Dresden happily exclaimed.

“God, damn, making that made me want to diet.  This person is really fat, what a lardass.”, the baker joked.

Quickly realizing that the cake’s image was Dresden, the baker’s face went white.  “I am so sorry sir.  Here you go…”, the baker stammered, as he pushed the cake over to Dresden, taking the cash from the sweaty fat man’s hand.

Dresden pulled the Costco sized sheet cake up off of the counter, and going back outside, he waddled over to his car.  He then took a deep breath and felt a presence behind him.

Everything went black.

Dresden woke up 3 hours later in a bed in a weird room.  There were steel pipes around him and the cake was beside him.  He wasn’t shackled and could use his hands and legs.  He was laying on his left side.

“I know what you really, really want.”, uttered a familiar voice.

Rolling over in bed, Dresden saw the man who was waiting across the street.  

“Are you….Zed??”, Dresden guessed.

The man smiled.  “Yes.  And you will eat this cake and so much more.”, he smirked.  “Oh yeah, and I took the liberty of cancelling your appointment and your surgery with Dr. Then.  You won’t be needing it anyway.  Hogs don’t need their capacities restricted.”

Dresden was scared, but relieved.  He could finally be free to eat!

Dresden moved to the table with the cake and started hamfisting it into his face.  “Thats right, experience that re-gain.  Get bigger and fatter.  Eat more and more.”, Zed stated as he started bringing up the food delivery apps, placing order after order of Dresden’s favorite food.

As the orders started coming, Dresden put aside one piece of cake for later, and started eating all of the newly ordered burgers, fries, pizza, and Dresden’s favorite, fried chicken.  Dresden was in heaven as he ate, he could see his lost weight starting to come back, his ass and belly ballooning.  It was getting harder and harder to shift his weight around as he ate.

After his 8 family meal bingefest, Zed brought Dresden into a shower room.  He used the proper equipment to clean Dresden.  

“I want to live here”, Dresden stammered, between heaving breaths.

“Oh this is your new home.  I have sold off your belongings already and this is your life now.  You exist but to eat and be my pig.  You will be my immobile hog.”, Zed calmly stated.  

Dresden was so happy.  His life could revolve around food.  Zed helped the growing Dresden back to his bed, and brought him his 3rd and 4th meals for the day, all family size.  

6 months later….

Dresden was trying to get out of bed to eat but couldn’t move.  Zed helped him move over to a new bed, one with a scale, and as Dresden was wobbling around, Dresden injured his foot.  Trying to put any pressure on it, Dresden was met with extreme pain.  Zed put his leg up onto a pillow. 

“It's hog.  You're never walking again.”, Zed stated.

Moving the bariatric bed up so Dresden could eat, he heard Zed preparing the bed’s scale.  A sound came out of it - 952 lbs.

Dresden was in shock.  He realized that his life, any hope of living a normal life, was over.  Zed laughed, “My hog, look at you.” 

Massive stretch marks inflamed Dresden’s belly, his thighs covering any semblance of manhood he had.  A huge fat pad covered his deeply buried cock, begging for any release.  His moobs, so fat, had nipples stretched so far out that they touched his elbow.  The last thing Zed noticed was Dresden’s side fat and his ass.  It was covering the entire bed now.  It was only 6 months, and Zed knew he was going to need to upgrade.

Dresden wanted Zed to suck him off so bad.  His deeply buried cock needed it.  “Please, can you, get me off?”, Dresden pleaded.  He couldn’t reach his cock since about 3 weeks prior.

“Only if you eat.”, Zed stated.

Dresden ate and felt good as Zed helped locate his lost cock in all of his fat.  Using the fat to lube up his dick, Dresden started to get off.  As he was getting off, the world started to go blurry.

“Zed, maybe you should stop.”, Dresden stammered.

Zed began to push harder and harder knowing this was the end for Dresden.  He pushed more and more.

Dresden felt his chest seizing up as he was getting off.  Jiggling his belly one last time, and shoving in food one last time, his last thought as he gave one last orgasm was a regret.  A small regret.

The regret was that he didn’t have that last piece of cake.  

Dresden saw white as he took his final breath.

[shihalyfie]

Kizuna drama CD: Detail spotting and nuance analysis

02 involved displaying its group dynamic through mundane interactions and wacky hijinks, and the circumstances of an eight-year block of time between Kizuna and 02, plus the fact that Hikari and Takeru operate separately from the others due to the movie’s circumstances, mean that the drama CD centering around the group is actually our most reliable source of info regarding how they’re doing at this time and how their group dynamic is going. Much like 02 itself, getting a lot of this nuance requires reading between the lines, so let’s take a closer look!

Since this is a drama CD and not animated material, I’ll be going through this in bullet points instead of screenshots.

The fact that the drama CD itself deliberately uses the same format as a 02 episode carries a very strong implication that, unlike their seniors who are going through an existential crisis about how much of their childhood experiences they can bring with them into adulthood, the 02 group is still roughly able to recreate the same atmosphere they had eight years ago. Noticeably, the ending song chosen for this is the first ED (Tomorrow My Wind Will Blow), the more lighthearted one used for the first half, before a lot of really emotionally vicious things started happening to them.

The phrase “it’s been a while” and variants thereof come up between this group a lot within this drama CD (and once in the movie itself, from Hawkmon to the others). Look closely at the circumstances of this drama CD and how everyone seems to be very intimately aware of each other’s situations, and the fact that this story obviously takes place only a short time before the movie itself -- so it really hasn’t been a very long time at all, but apparently even that much is considered a “long time” for them. (It also seems like they’re going out of their way to make sure they’re still keeping in regular contact even when they can’t actually meet up.)

Daisuke says, very clearly, that Iori was the one he intended to approach “first” because he was so busy -- but he’s shown walking in with Takeru, meaning that the two of them are on very good terms now and seem to have been hanging out independently.

Daisuke wanted his plan to be a “surprise” reveal to the others, and the actual practical purpose of his plan (it being a career study trip for him) seems to have been very low on the priority list to the point it takes the CD’s entire half-hour runtime for him to finally bring it up. Before then, he’d been cheerfully fantasizing about all the fun things he’d get to do with them, and it even says a lot that he’d also wanted to discuss this at a karaoke bar of all things, so, really, in his head, “hanging out with friends and having fun with them” is the actual priority (especially since there’s basically no reason he needs to have the others on his ramen research trip, he just wants them there because he does).

The fact that the boys have to sneak in the Digimon to avoid getting extra charges means that society will now recognize them as patrons to be regularly charged.

Daisuke is asked by Iori which people he intends to bring to his trip, which implies that the 02 group isn’t technically an exclusive club or anything...but then Daisuke proceeds to list off the 02 group by name, implying that this group does indeed have a particularly elevated level of importance to him.

Look carefully at the nuances surrounding whom Daisuke wants to invite to his trip: he wanted to invite the seniors as well, but resigned himself to the fact it’d probably be impossible because they were too busy...only for the others to point out that the rest of the 02 group is also busy, but everyone is confident that they’ll make it work, and Daisuke wants them there to the point of listing them by name. So in other words, Daisuke likes everyone and would like everyone around in the ideal situation, but when push comes to shove, the rest of the 02 group is whom he really wants to have around, and said group can be reliably counted on to do whatever it takes to make it work.

The way everyone casually describes each other's circumstances (and in specific detail, not just generally describing what they're up to) says a lot; Armadimon's still talking with Hawkmon about Miyako (meaning Miyako and Iori are still regularly in contact), Takeru's up-to-date with Ken's life to the point of knowing his upcoming schedule, Daisuke's fully aware of how busy Iori is, and, later, the one to affectionately greet Hawkmon is none other than Wormmon, who, back in 02, used to only really be close with Ken himself and V-mon. You can see that everyone’s still constantly involved in each other’s lives, including their own partners being up-to-date on each other (compare the more distant relationship their seniors are portrayed with in the movie itself, both with each other and with their partners), and you can also see that Ken and Wormmon have fully integrated themselves into the group to the point it’s a completely casual affair (Iori, the one who infamously had the longest and most drawn-out process in accepting Ken, is the one to personally ask him about his preferences).

That said, note that Takeru and Iori still seem to be on surname basis with Ken, even despite obviously being much closer with him than they were before; unfortunately, it seems that having been on surname basis with him so long in 02 became a habit, leaving Daisuke and Miyako as the only ones currently known to have switched to given name basis with him.

It’s interesting that Ken, not Daisuke, is the one explicitly stated to be keeping up with soccer to the point of having schedule commitments, whereas no mention of this whatsoever is made with Daisuke, and it’s entirely possible that Daisuke actually quit playing it in an organized fashion. This is, however, consistent with their personalities, in that Ken would likely want to keep up with organized extracurricular hobbies, whereas Daisuke may enjoy soccer as a hobby, but not enough to continue committing to a high-level team. (Remember that Daisuke took a while to get a regular position even back in elementary school; as much as he liked the sport, he also wasn’t particularly outstanding at it, and especially not in comparison to Taichi, Sora, or Ken.)

Miyako leaving for Spain seems to have been a recent thing, since it has to actively be brought up in conversation as a reminder (and Daisuke seemed to initially have not taken into account that she wouldn’t be easily able to join the trip in that case, since the issue of the D-3 hadn’t come up yet). When she shows up later in person, everyone’s shocked, as if it’s unnerving for her to be back in Japan already.

Daisuke still seems to have a thing for Hikari, but note that this doesn’t really go beyond “wanting to hang out with Hikari a lot”. Also, he says this in plain view of Takeru without bringing him up at all, and Takeru himself has nothing to say about it (not even awkward laughter), meaning that he really has no object in this whatsoever.

It’s interesting to see that Armadimon, who used to have to ask about how human society works quite often in 02, is now well-versed enough in Japanese culture to be really passionate about it.

As usual, Iori does not mince words (when it's about Nagoya specialty food, at least).

Also as usual, Ken is surprisingly academic about his interests and a huge nerd.

Note Takeru's awkward "I don't really want to insult you, but also, that's weird" reaction to Ken’s speech about the hot springs -- very classic Takeru, not quite being honest for the sake of keeping the peace and awkwardly trying to be nice about it -- in contrast to Daisuke, who just honestly goes straight for the commentary. That said, regardless of how unusual of a hobby everyone around him clearly finds it, note how they all still decide to accommodate it anyway and support his interest in it.

Hypocritically, V-mon calls Daisuke out for being “embarrassing” regarding his fixation on Hikari, only to suddenly get caught off-guard by Tailmon shortly after...

Hikari's behavior has the most clear-cut contrast from herself in 02, consisting of her very assertively stating what she wants, for herself -- very important because her problems in 02 revolved around her compulsively being unable to voice her own thoughts if it meant putting a burden on others. Here, Hikari gets argumentative about what she, personally, wants to do. Given that she doesn’t quite act like this in front of her seniors in the course of the movie, and is depicted as being particularly in-sync with Miyako here -- and given how Miyako was instrumental in reaching out to her during the events of 02 -- it’s pretty easy to see how Hikari became able to assert herself like this.

Similarly, much like how Tailmon was portrayed as lightening up a bit between Adventure and 02 thanks to her new, happier life, here, she seems to be exactly on the same page as Hikari in terms of wanting to fight people for something materialistic.

Hawkmon says that it's "only natural" for them to show up whenever this group is getting together, and, indeed, Miyako was technically uninvited because everyone thought she was busy in Spain -- but was clearly in contact with them (or at least Hikari) to know that this meeting was happening. (There’s probably a group chat.)

This is implied to be the first time the 02 group has seriously considered using D-3 gate exploitation to visit each other and to travel. The group had already made use of this exploitation during 02 itself (to have Palmon delivered to New York back in 02 episode 38 and to meet up in the Digital World), but it is true that they hadn’t been necessarily using it even when it arguably would be more convenient than Tokyo transportation and Imperialdramon. So in other words, for the last eight years, through all the meetups they seem to have been having with each other (and remember, Ken lived in Tamachi, not Odaiba, at the time of 02, and there’s no guarantee that nobody in the Odaiba neighborhood didn’t move at some point), they were perfectly fine with using the inconvenience of Tokyo transportation to meet each other, or to meet up in the Digital World instead -- but then Miyako found herself in another country, and decided that she wasn't going to stand for being separated from the others for too long.

As usual, Hawkmon still has to be Miyako’s concerned minder when she’s on the verge of going out of control.

Miyako had already been implied to be in Barcelona thanks to the scenery outside her window and the movie end credits, but her speech about Spain drives it in even further with the Gaudí references.

Despite Spain being possibly the one of the worst possible options for what's later revealed to be Daisuke's motive for this trip (ramen research), it seems that Miyako baiting him with mention of the soccer league was enough to get him momentarily distracted (and also indicates that Daisuke still clearly has an active interest in soccer even if he may not be regularly playing anymore).

Speaking of which, it’s pretty obvious that Miyako knew exactly what to bait Daisuke with in order to do this.

Takeru, the group's resident moderator, is of course the one to step in and prevent Tailmon and Armadimon from wreaking too much havoc (Daisuke is mostly just slightly intimidated) -- but you might also notice that he's otherwise not saying anything about the group's chaotic antics, and in fact is guilty of enabling them even further...

Daisuke continues to have his penchant for pointing out the elephant in the room -- he's exactly right, how is Wormmon supposed to put on skis?

It is, of course, only natural that Miyako would be sensitive to knowing about currency exchange and the use of American dollars in the Digital World, given that she presumably hasn't forgotten the Digitamamon incident from 02 episode 14.

For the first time in 19 real-life years, we finally learn what Daisuke’s original motive for wanting to get into ramen making was: in true Daisuke fashion, he himself has no idea (but he just really likes ramen).

Daisuke "credits" his friends for giving him insightful advice and helpful resources in thinking about his career and future plans, but, as it turns out, everyone else wasn't thinking nearly as much of it -- either they hardly remember it, or it wasn't actually supposed to mean anything insightful. It's obviously not to say that they're not fully supportive of him (the events of this drama CD blatantly indicate otherwise), but rather that Daisuke attributes everything important and helpful in his life to his friends to ridiculous degrees, even when it's something completely ordinary like a train ticket that anyone should know about.

As always, Daisuke is very realistically aware of his own limitations, admitting freely that he was actually lacking in experience and insight to follow his dream (especially since he took the "advice" from his friends very, very seriously).

Note how quickly everyone changes their tune and immediately decides to unequivocally support Daisuke the moment they realize there's actually a very important reason to him that he wants to go on this trip.

Also note that when Hikari compliments Daisuke, Daisuke is completely at a loss -- yet again, Daisuke's been so busy rolling around for Hikari's approval that he hasn't accounted for what to do when he actually gets it.

Daisuke picking New York, of all locations, as his stop to research ramen certainly explains why Ken has to ask "why ramen?" during the movie itself -- as this drama CD indicates, and as per the events of 02 episode 50, he absolutely knows why Daisuke would want to get ramen, but ramen in New York, which isn't exactly the cultural center of ramen making, is a different story.

The fact that this was a planned multi-day trip also explains why the group changes clothes and is in New York for multiple days over the course of the movie (because they probably had a hotel, too). It also further contextualizes the likely reason Miyako felt like dealing with Menoa’s request was too much work -- she wanted to be on this trip instead -- and says a lot about how she’ll dump a request on her seniors when it’s too much hassle for her, but accept that same request back if it’s something she gets to do with her friends.

Takeru and Hikari are explicitly stated to be scheduled to join the trip on the second day, meaning that them operating separately from the quartet during the events of the movie was sheer scheduling circumstance -- and since we find out in the movie that Takeru was the one to inform Yamato about Daisuke's whereabouts, this CD here clarifies that Takeru has this knowledge because he himself was set to be on this trip (and would have been, if the events of the movie hadn't gotten in the way).

Probably the most interesting take-home from this narrative is how absurdly close the 02 group is portrayed as, and in very, very stark contrast to their seniors in the movie itself -- who are said to be drifting apart as they all find their individual paths. Here, the 02 group is the opposite; while they do seem to have their own goals (Hikari and Daisuke are outright identified as having some of the clearest ones), it’s obvious that those goals are secondary to being able to hang out with and support each other (in other words, they still have those goals, but they’re much lower priorities for them). This is consistent with how these dynamics were portrayed back in 02, since the Adventure group had been portrayed as being prone to drifting apart as early as Our War Game!, whereas the 02 group was built from the ground up as needing each other’s mutual support much more deeply -- it’s just that, now that they’re all much older, this distinction in group dynamic is much more prominent.

[redrobin-detective]

Wanna hear another of baby Robin’s never written DP fic AUs? So when I was a freshman in high school and on the tail end of my first DP hyperfixation, I also became obsessed with the Indiana Jones trilogy (not to date myself but this was before that awful fourth movie). I had a pretty decent outline so here’s what I remember* (IE the bare bones are same and I uh tweaked it a bit)

So! It starts in an AU world where the ghosts attacked the human world and caused society to splinter a bit. Neither side won but they kind of aggressively co-exist, humans interacting in the Zone and ghosts haunting the real world. During the invasion, Jack, Maddie and Jazz were killed by one of the powerful ghosts who led the initial uprising, Plasmius. Danny had been young (I think I said 10) and had hid, watching his family be murdered, unable to do anything. It really affects Danny and he vows to find the ghost that killed his family.

Years later, Danny is in his late teens-possibly early twenties and he is an experienced ghost archeologist (I distinctly remember this title being in my notes lmao). He spends a lot of time researching ghosts and working with them, he’s as well known in the Zone as he is in the human world. He has many ghostly allies as he primarily seeks to understand ghosts and find a way for humans and ghosts to coexist but also not so secretly hunting Plasmius. His sponsor and basically foster parent is Vlad Masters, his parents’ former partner. He’s very encouraging of Danny’s pursuits and need to find the six fingered man Plasmius and often provide information.

The first arc would vaguely follow the plot of Raiders with Danny getting a tip about Plasmius seeking to open Pariah’s sarcophagus in order to gain the power to take the human world once and for all. Danny recruits Valerie to help him stop the ghost king from being unleashed. Val had trained under his parent as a hunter and she and Danny aren’t on the best of terms given how generally passive he is with ghosts. Uh middle bits, middle bits. The sarcophagus was opened but they managed to prevent the ghost king from awakening. Danny and Val part as friends and Danny gets his first look of Plasmius before he vanishes. It spurs him onward.

The second arc followed Temple of Doom as Danny ventured deeper than he’d gone before into the Ghost Zone. He finds the girl he’d crushed on in high school, Paulina, is working as something of an indentured servant in a Zone bar. Danny rescues her along with Danielle, a quirky girl living on her own within the Zone. Danny, Paulina and Dani get trapped by a ghost cult of uh some sort. Danny is suspicious of Dani who not only looks like him but has weird knowledge of both him and ghosts. They all escape, Danny risks his life to protect Dani despite her behavior. She reveals as thanks that she’s not really human, she’s a hybrid clone made using Danny’s DNA by Plasmius to throw Danny off his trail. She flees deeper into the Ghost Zone to escape both Danny and Plasmius leaving Danny wondering how the ghost got his hands on Danny’s DNA in the first place and why.

The third arc revolves around, you guessed it, the Last Crusade. Danny can feel himself getting closer and closer to Plasmius. He’s realizing that things about the ghost aren’t adding up entirely and that he has a special interest in Danny though he can’t figure out why. Masters, sensing Danny’s frustrations, finds another ghost archeologist, Samantha Manson. Danny and her click right away and make good progress. The existence of Danielle proves there can be a middle ground between human and ghost so Danny thinks Plasmius may be in that category and he may be closer than he thinks. Suddenly Danny is nervous of the people around him and for good reason. Sam ends up being another spy to lure Danny into a trap by Plasmius. He promised her access to so much ghost knowledge if only she led the boy along. She instantly regrets it and goes to get reinforcements to save Danny. 

Danny awakens in his parents’ old home, uninjured and confused. He soon discovers that Masters and Plasmius are one in the same, a human with ghost powers created by Jack and Maddie. The ghost who killed his family, who Danny has been hunting half his life, was also the man who gave him a home afterwards. The cruel irony infuriates Danny and he confronts Vlad. He asks why he spared Danny, why the charade? Vlad killed the Fentons in a rage when he learned they were trying to make a portal to the GZ (the same portal that half killed Vlad). He turned on humanity as part of his broader revenge and planned to use the Fenton Portal as a way to mobilize an army. To his fury, he learns that the Fenton portal was DNA activated. That’s when he discovers that he accidentally left one Fenton alive and takes Danny in. Only, somewhere along the way, Vlad comes to love Danny as a son and he’s afraid that activating the portal will hurt/kill Danny. Vlad made the clones to try and find a way to activate the portal without hurting Danny, Danielle was an attempt who fled before she could be killed.

Sam shows up about then with reinforcements, human and ghostly allies Danny has acquired over the years. Vlad is split between wanting to kill Danny for his interference and just, being unable to hurt his sorta son. Plasmius is too powerful and ghosts are wearing out being in the human realm, access to the Ghost Zone would help. Danny doesn’t really think, he just activates the portal and receives a massive shock of ectoplasm to his system. Danny Fenton steps in, Danny Phantom steps out. Vlad is devastated bc he felt Danny die and, deciding the battle isn’t worth it right now, retreats. Only Danny isn’t wholly dead instead a human/ghost like Vlad.

But yeah the story would have essentially ended once Danny became half-ghost with the implication that he would confront and stop his sorta foster father and put the Zone and earth back in order. Blah Blah something about Vlad being the human/ghost to throw the worlds out of whack and Danny, with his foot in both worlds even before his powers, being the one to help the worlds coexist.

[valeriehervo]

Valérie Hervo runs Les Chandelles, the legendary Paris sex club where members of French high society, politicians, barristers and rock stars (and an increasing number of Brits) come to indulge their erotic fantasies. Can it survive the twin threats of the pandemic and a moral backlash?

Adam Sage

Saturday March 20 2021, 

Valérie Hervo is outraged. She has just been listening to a radio station where two male presenters, chatting about her forthcoming appearance on their show, kept referring to her as the owner of a “group sex club”.

“That really is low-class vocabulary,” she tells me. “It’s very macho as well. Only a man would say something like that.

“And it is not what this place is about. To me, it is a journey through the mystery of the senses to a land of sensuality and encounters.”

Hervo is particularly aggrieved at what she took to be the implication that she organised sexual games for the benefit of men.

Nothing could be further from the truth, she insists. “Here, everything revolves around women’s pleasure. This is a place where a woman can do what she wants, when she wants and with whom she wants – and if she wants to do nothing, she does nothing.”

Hervo opened Les Chandelles, her recreational club – as she would prefer it described – in 1993, and it has since become a part of French high-society folklore.

Any Parisian will tell you that this is the place where the country’s political, economic and cultural elites live out their sexual fantasies beyond the sight of ordinary mortals, where government ministers, television presenters, rock stars and chief executives engage in the ancient practice of libertinage.

But what exactly goes on behind the plain façade in a narrow street near the Louvre in central Paris? And what might this tell us about French values? Or indeed about British values, given the steady flow of clients rumoured to have crossed the channel in recent years in the hope of fulfilling their “erotic potential” under Hervo’s stewardship?

With telephones barred from the club (they have to be left at the entrance) and hardly anyone willing to talk openly about their evenings there – “It’s a matter of intimacy,” says Hervo. “You don’t start telling everyone about your sex life at dinner parties” – such questions have given rise to few answers and much speculation.

Now, with the club closed because of the pandemic, Hervo, 53, has written a book that explains what happens when the dancefloor empties, usually around 1.30am, and the salons around it fill with writhing, sighing bodies.

Les dessous des Chandelles, which could be translated either figuratively as The Secrets of the Chandelles or literally as Underneath the Candelabras, is the portrait of a quintessentially French establishment.

Where else would the lost property include designer thongs or customers eat Ladurée macarons off the back of a naked woman, a famous male barrister end up in an alcove with his female rival days after their clash in a criminal court, or Mick Jagger reportedly be turned away for wearing a pair of jeans?

Hervo explains that her club is a bastion of French “savoir vivre”, where a select group of beautiful, intelligent and well-educated people conduct themselves in a way befitting a nation that has given the world some of its greatest suggestive literature, from Molière’s Dom Juan to Laclos’ Les liaisons dangereuses.

Consider, for example, her account of one of the Eyes Wide Shut theme parties she holds from time to time. “A naked woman, her gaze hidden by a Venetian mask, lies on a table,” she writes. “A nymph in a transparent toga joins her. She kneels down and delicately pulls her legs apart.”

She has torrid encounters herself, for instance with a woman whose perfume she found bewitching and whose body she discovered behind a veil in an alcove.

Much of her time, however, is spent looking after her patrons, like the couple of regulars who realised to their horror that their adult son and his partner had also begun going to Les Chandelles. Hervo tells how they begged her to help them avoid what they said would be a “regrettable” meeting.

On another occasion, a male customer arrived with his mistress, explaining to Hervo that his wife was stuck at home because she was ill. An hour later, the wife arrived with a younger man, she writes. “Don’t say anything to my husband,” she told Hervo. “He thinks I’ve got the flu.”

Hervo promptly rushed downstairs where she found the husband, “naked and frolicking with his partner and a few other accomplices”. She advised him to leave through the emergency exit.

I am discussing these and more adventures with Hervo at a table in her club’s pink and white restaurant, which is to be found at the bottom of stairs that wind down from an ordinary-looking blue door on the street.

Opposite us is another staircase that leads to what could easily be mistaken for an 18th- century Parisian literary salon – were it not for the mattress in the alcove at the end of it.

A third staircase, encased in walls painted in gold leaf, descends to a dancefloor, a bar and more salons with their alcoves, benches and mattresses.

It is difficult to find an English word to describe Les Chandelles. Some have called it a swingers’ club, although that conveys none of the cerebral sophistication and cultural aspirations that go with elite sex in France.

Others have used the term wife-swapping (or échangisme, as the French call it), but Hervo is no more happier with that than with group sex.

“For me, échangisme is very reductive and sad,” Hervo explains. “It involves some kind of contract between four people and they all need to agree, which can’t happen very often.”

What prevails at her club, she says, is libertinage, a concept dating back to a 12th-century rebellion against the church by disaffected clerics who were determined to place physical love above the courtly version promoted by troubadours and their ilk.

The contemporary version of this philosophy involves making “everything possible and nothing obligatory”, Hervo says.

One couple might go for sex, either with each other or with someone else, she says. A second might go along to watch. A third could be happy with a turn on the dancefloor.

“For some, it is enough to have an imaginary journey. For others, they will want a little bit more. But what happens in the salons is the icing on the cake and it doesn’t matter if nothing happens, because we’ve had such fun with the preliminaries.

“Everyone goes at their own rhythm. You may be happy with a look, a caress or with voyeurism. But that is all very different to échangisme.”

Libertinage, which has come and gone in France over the centuries – the early 17th and the mid-18th being among the high points – enjoyed a return to fashion from the late Nineties with the emergence of hundreds of clubs amid a spirit of unrestrained freedom.

The number has since fallen, with adepts taking to organising their own house parties. At the last count there were 269 such clubs left, according to French state radio.

The health crisis looks likely to drive many more out of business, their activities scarcely being compatible with social distancing.

Les Chandelles, however, has a status apart, and this should offer it protection against the vicissitudes of fortune.

Hervo says her customers include “politicians from both the left and the right” and “celebrities from across the whole world” (she refuses to divulge their names).

Hervo says that as her club’s fame has grown, so has its allure to visitors from Europe, the US, Asia and “a lot from Britain”.

It is not enough just to cross the channel and knock on the door, though. In order to get in, you need erotic knowhow, Hervo says, along with familiarity with Parisian savoir-vivre.

“It is an alchemy. A way of being,” she says.

In his Histoire du libertinage, Didier Foucault, a history lecturer at Toulouse University who is a specialist on the subject, writes of how the practice became fashionable after 1600 among aristocrats driven “by a haughty refusal to bow either to common law or to any authority whatsoever, be it temporal or divine”.

There may be something similar about the French elite that frequents Les Chandelles. The entrance fee is €96 for two, or €310 with dinner and a bottle of Deutz champagne thrown in. If Deutz is too downmarket, there is Cristal Roederer for €490 or Dom Pérignon Rosé for €470.

But the selection policy is not based on money, Hervo insists. More important to her are “elegance, refinement, education and taste.

“I have a very tough door policy. I turn away a lot of people.”

The badly dressed, the ugly, the vulgar, have no hope of getting past her, she says, while the overweight may struggle as well, at least if they are male.

“I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but I am going to say it anyway. I think I would be more concerned by a fat man than a round woman. Round women can be very beautiful but, in general, men who are fat are… Well, someone who lets himself go physically is someone who does… not respect himself. And if he doesn’t respect himself, he is less likely to respect other people.”

Les dessous des Chandelles is a strange, almost dual work. On the one hand, it is a window onto this secretive world of privilege and exclusion created by Hervo beneath Rue Thérèse in the French capital.

On the other, it is a tale of the author’s personal voyage through libertinage and her claim that the sexual liberation she found along the way, first in other clubs and then in her own, helped to unshackle her from a traumatic childhood marked by incest, guilt and depression.

Our conversation reflects the same duality.

For much of the interview, Hervo comes across as the archetypal Parisian businesswoman, complete with carefully applied make-up, an elegant hairdo, an articulate discourse, a headstrong Yorkshire terrier and a well-trained fiancé – Tom, the maker of an excellent Sancerre white wine, who rushes off shortly after I arrive and returns later with an armful of her outfits for the photoshoot, including an all-white suit and a glittering jacket.

One minute she is talking with off-putting clarity about the female orgasm, telling me in a tone that brooks no argument that “a woman’s sexuality is so much richer than that of a man”. The next she is explaining, with equal equanimity, how she resisted underworld attempts to take over her club following her divorce in 2005.

Like all self-respecting Parisiennes, she knows how to throw a strategic fit of pique as well, announcing that the photographer is driving her mad and that Tom had better summon a friend for help, and be quick about it. The friend duly arrives with a bottle of sancerre to enable Hervo to get through the afternoon session.

Yet, from time to time, there are signs of the scars left by childhood, as when she concedes that she took refuge in libertinage in part because “at night-time, you can’t see the suffering so much… the glitter masks the pain”.

At one point, her eyes fill with tears as she discloses that her relatives have refused to speak to her since the publication of her book, which recounts her rape by her grandfather as a young girl, her parents’ refusal to believe her, her teenage struggles with depression, her toxic marriage to a man 20-odd years her senior, and her salvation in swingers’ clubs.

It was her former husband who introduced her to libertinage. She writes of her first experience in a club where “in a salon plunged into darkness… some couples are making love while others are observing them”.

She did not want to join in – at least not the first time – but says, “My emotion [was]great and my excitement real.”

“I was 24 and I instinctively knew it was right for me,” Hervo tells me. “What I liked in those places was a feeling of freedom and especially a feeling that I was meeting couples who seemed to get on well together.

“That was not the image of the couple I had received as a child because my parents argued all the time. It was like Disneyland as far as I was concerned.”

When her former husband suggested opening their own swingers’ club in Paris, she jumped at the chance. He put up some of the money, they borrowed the rest and she became the manager.

“It was a success straight away, because I think it was the first club to give so much importance to women,” she says. “At that time, in 1993, in other clubs, the women were just treated as objects and it was the men who took charge of the games and who brought along their wives.

“I think that they were probably men of little courage who were not able to cheat on their wives and who went to this sort of place instead. But that was not at all in the spirit of libertinage.”

Les Chandelles would be different, she decided. “Women who are objects are women without humanity. Here, I made sure that the women were subjects.

“In fact, I created here what I never had myself. I tried to encourage women to take their time, to dare to set the tempo, to ask men to be attentive and unhurried and to be gallant, because women adore gallantry.”

She says her door policy has always involved refusing entrance to couples if she suspects that the woman is being dragged along against her will or kept in the dark about the true nature of Les Chandelles. “Even now in 2021, there are boors who don’t tell their partners where they are taking them,” she says. “It’s increasingly rare but it still happens. But if I have the slightest doubt, I question them. You get a feeling for these things.”

Inside the club, no means no, she says, explaining that men can be expelled for repeating a request to a female customer if they are turned down the first time.

“I think women are much safer in this sort of place than in traditional nightclubs where they get hassled all the time,” she tells me.

She says that she herself came to see Les Chandelles – of which she has been the sole owner since extracting herself from her disastrous marriage 16 years ago and buying her former husband’s share – as a refuge from the wounds left by her troubled childhood.

“This has been my bunker and my incubator,” she says. “It was where I revitalised myself, and where I discovered myself too.”

Can her club really be as idyllic as she pretends?

For years, Les Chandelles has been described in the French press as a favourite haunt of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund, who resigned following his arrest on suspicion of rape. Although the charge was ultimately dropped, reports of his attendance at Les Chandelles have done nothing for its image.

Recently, it has also been linked with Gérald Darminin, President Macron’s interior minister, who, it has emerged, went to Les Chandelles in 2009 with a woman who had asked him for help in overturning her criminal conviction – he was legal affairs adviser for an opposition political party at the time – and who has accused him of raping her later that evening.

He denies her claim, but the publicity has scarcely been an advertisement for Hervo’s establishment.

She says the coverage has been misleading and unfair. DSK, for instance, barely ever visited Les Chandelles, she insists.

“There are many other politicians who came more often than him and who were much more important than him,” she says.

As for Darmanin, she says that when he dropped into the club a little over a decade ago, he was a young bachelor, and that young bachelors sometimes visit “for an evening with – what’s that word they use now? – oh yes, les sex friends, that’s it.

“And there’s nothing wrong with that. If you find yourself on your own for a year or so, you might want a regular one of those. Why not?”

Until now, the interview has gone smoothly enough, interrupted only by the barking of Cerise, Hervo’s Yorkshire terrier, at the emergence of the photographer from below.

But then I make a big mistake. Noting the entrance policy favours single women – who are allowed in on evenings otherwise reserved for couples, when single men are banned – I ask Hervo whether she uses them as an enticement for male patrons seeking a threesome with their wives and another partner.

She looks daggers across the table. “That is really a stupid, male, Cro-Magnon thing to say,” she tells me. “It’s very maladroit of you.

“Single women come because they want to have fun, because they could meet a man who pleases them, or a woman, or perhaps neither. Sometimes, it’s just two women friends who come for a drink because they know that here they won’t be bothered and because they will be appreciated because they are pretty.

“When I began here, I didn’t receive single women in the evening, because society considered that a woman who came alone to an establishment like mine was either a whore or a bitch. I fought to make people understand that life does not work like that, and I am proud to say that today I have single women among my customers.”

I ask Hervo if she is a feminist. “I certainly am not a neo-feminist,” she says, explaining that she laughs off wolf whistles in the street, likes being complimented on her looks and wants to “seduce or to be seduced, freely. But I am feminist for some things. I am in favour of women being able to experience pleasure alone at first, to discover their bodies and to enjoy their bodies, and only afterwards to share all that with a partner if they so wish.

“That sort of thing has not always been possible in the past.”

Pointing out that Foucault’s history of libertinage shows how sexual freedoms have come and gone over the centuries in France, I wonder out loud whether the country is shifting back towards greater restraint.

“You’re right, it is,” she says. “The difference is that today, it is not religion that is trying to cover everything up, it’s our moralising society. There is a very prudish scent around these days.”

In a thinly veiled attack on #MeToo, she complains in her book that the social networks have been transformed into “popular tribunals”, that the law has come to treat women “as weak beings which have to be protected” and that the ancestral French game of seduction is being subjected to new codes and new rules.

It is difficult to determine whether the pandemic will brake or accelerate this trend. Some predict that when the crisis ends, we will see a repeat of les années folles (the mad years), as the Twenties were known in France, with a yearning for freedom, parties and libertinage.

Others forecast the continued spread of the Anglo-Saxon-style feminism that Hervo abhors and the curtailment of French love-making and seduction. She is not overly worried, though. On a personal level, she has emerged from years of therapy able to confront her past and look forward to the future, she says. She has become a part-time therapist herself, has a house in the country, where she has spent much of the past year, and is planning to “marry the man I love” this summer.

Even if the moral backlash gathers strength, she thinks that Les Chandelles will continue to triumph.

“There have always been currents and countercurrents, but if society goes one way, people will need a place of liberty where they can do what they want, where they will have the freedom to talk, to exchange.”

Indeed, she believes that her club may even come to play a role similar to that of literary salons in the 18th century, when they nurtured the ideas that helped to topple the ancien régime.

Only in France could there be dreams of Enlightenment amid the shadows of a basement sex club. Les dessous des Chandelles by Valérie Hervo is published by Cherche Midi

[cowboisadness]

Hang ‘Em High {Arthur Morgan X FemOC} Chapter 5

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x FemOC Summery: Belle Hawthorne is high society looking to escape her mean husband. A robbery by the Van Der Linde gang could be her chance. Can she escape his cluches and possibly discover what love should feel like?

. . . . . 

Chaper 5

The two weeks that passed were a struggle, the pain was easing now but i couldn't ease my mind no matter how i tried. Sitting out on the edge of the overlook would help slightly, looking out at the vastness of the wild lands, being the same height as the birds. But my mind always returned to him, to Frank. Surely after two weeks I would have heard something or read something in the papers that Hosea or Arthur would return with each morning. Arthur had said maybe he won't look for me, maybe he's not as possessive when it came to me...his wife. I doubted his words but hoped they could be true.

Getting closer to the others here helped as a distraction and Miss Grimshaw made sure my time here wasn't wasted, having me wash clothing or stitch ripped garments when I was feeling more useful. The girls were very kind, the only one I didn't speak too much being Mrs Sadie Adler. She had been through so much and was still adjusting but she seemed like a strong woman, all of the women do in fact. Abigail had to juggle a young boy and a man that didn't seem to want to be a father. Mary-Beth let me borrow some of her books, to be honest, they are awful romances but entertaining enough not to put down. Karen would share her drink with me while we sat round the fire, Javier singing into the night.

This morning, Hosea asked me to join him in a game of dominos. Despite never playing the game before he was happy enough to teach me.  He was wise and seemed to be the only one of the guys that was more logical when it came to jobs that needed to be done and how they should be done.

“You sure you've never played before. It's a simple game but you got the hang of it quickly.” he said as he placed his tile down. “Used to play poker, blackjack and chess with my father. Frank never let me gamble, saying gambling is a man's sport that's too complex for a woman to understand.”

He scoffed at that and shook his head “Seems like a quality man, shame robbing him wasn't successful.”

I giggled, continuing our game in silence until Arthur approached, mentioning how he was going to Valentine to meet up with Javier, Charles and Bill. Hosea told him to keep out of trouble as Arthur turned to leave. 

I decided to cut the game short, telling him I needed to ask a favour before Arthur left. I made my way over to where he was saddling his horse, a beautiful Mahogany Bay Tennessee Walker named Barley. “Hey Arthur, could I ask a favor? If you're not busy.”

“Sure.” “I have a couple of things I'd like to sell, would you be willing to take me to a fence? He pondered for a moment, weighing out the pros and cons as he pulled out his cigarettes from his satchel and lighting one.

“Promise you won't fall off my horse again?” He grinned slightly, meeting my gaze. 

“I'll try my best.” I couldn't help but to giggle at his taunt, looking down the ground as i flushed with embarrassment. 

He nodded and blew out a puff of smoke as I turned to get what I needed. The first night I arrived my dress was ruined, now being used for rags and patches but my necklace and earrings were still intact and could sell for a good price. I put them into my new satchel, given to me by Charles as he had no use for it anymore. Him and Arthur brought back a few good pelts and meat a few days ago. I really need to gain the courage to ask if I can join in their next hunt. I hadn't hunted in years, that being another thing my father taught me. 

The ride to Emerald Ranch didn't take long, Arthur kept the ride slow thinking I might fall again, possibly seeing me as this delicate being that would shatter if we got anywhere near the speed of a gallop. The man at the fence, Seamus his name was, was more generous than I was expecting. $75 for the necklace and earring set. I didn't really care about how much I would get, I wanted to get rid. Frank bought them after all. I unconsciously fiddled with my hands as he counted the money, my fingers brushed over the ring on my left hand. Looking down at it, the three small diamonds glinting in the midday sun, thoughts of my wedding day flooding into my mind. White silk that pooled at my feet, a train following behind. The intricate floral embroidery that hugged around the bodice. It being so tight it lifted my chest till I felt like my breasts were directly under my chin. I felt like a princess marrying her prince. Life is nothing like Mary-Beths books. My Prince being the villain in my life. As i snapped back into reality i pulled off the ring without a second thought, handing it over to Seamus.

“How much for this too?.” I could see Arthur now staring at me out of the corner of my eye, he knew I was trying to rid myself of any memory of that man. Seamus took the ring, holding it close to his face as he examined it “Now this is nice. Not too old and made by one of the biggest diamond companies in New York by the looks of it.” He looked to me for confirmation. I nodded, mentioning that it was made only 8 months ago and one of a kind.

I came away with $175 in total, offering to give Arthur some as a thanks, he refused so I made a mental note to sneak it in his saddlebag when he wasn't looking.

He offered to take me back to camp before he headed to Valentine but i wanted to spend some of my new fortune, plus it was nice to be out of camp after two weeks of being in too much pain or scared to venture outside of it’s perimeter. Once in the muddy cattle town of Valentine, Arthur hitched his horse outside of the Saloon where he was meeting the others. He dismounted and held out his arms to help me down. I reached out to his shoulders and he took that as permission to hold me by the waist, making sure he was gentle on my left side. I was told my ribs would take a month or more to heal depending on how bad. Breathing was back to normal but the dull ache and sharp shooting pains still persisted. He headed towards the Saloon telling me to meet him back here when I was done. I'd never been to Valentine before, i haven't been to many places the last 7 months unless it was with with Frank at business parties or joining other business partners for a fancy dinner. I scanned my eyes around the various buildings and my eyes landed on my target, the Gunsmith. 

I don't need anything pricey or flash, just something capable of protection if the need arose. I was living with outlaws now, people who live a life of crime to survive and who knows what my life will be like when I leave. Maybe i’ll make my way to New York to find my brother, he might know where mother and father are now. I miss them all dearly.

A cattleman revolver seemed like the best option as I looked through the catalog, cheap and it would do the job. It had been a long time since I handled a gun. I still remember how displeased my mother was of my father teaching me how to get comfortable with one. I really should have asked for more lessons. I thanked the store owner for his help and his generosity in giving me a gun belt seeing as it was my first gun to own. Sloshing my way through the mud to the saloon, adjusting the belt till it was comfortable hanging off my hip I could hear a commotion behind the doors. Before I had the chance to ascend the stairs and push open the doors a loud smashing happened to my left, causing me to jump backwards as a body was propelled out of the window. Not some random someone, Arthur. Before I could react the saloon doors swung open, knocking me off balance as a huge burly man made his way out and towards Arthur, now on his feet ready to continue the fight. 

They laid into each other, fists flying in the air towards each other's face. I stood in shock, not knowing what to do until the large man had Arthur pinned to the floor, punching him relentlessly as he tried to block each blow to his face and gut.

An audience had circled them, grateful for the entertainment by the sounds of it. I couldn't just stand back, my feet unconsciously moving me towards the fight to somehow intervene but before I made it off the stairs a hand pulled my arm, pulling me back towards them gently. “Don't even try Palomita.” Javier said as he released my arm and then sat on the stairs to watch the show. 

“Aren't you going to help him?” My voice was louder than i expected, showing the anger i didn't know i felt about this current situation.

He just shook his head and giggled “He's a big boy, he can hold his own.” 

Letting out a huff, I turned to see that Arthur had now gained the high ground, punching the man in the face over and over as Charles and Bill shouted words of encouragement from beside me. Through the crowd of shouting onlookers a man comes through yelling them to stop. Intervening and stopping the possible last fatal blows. “Stop! Stop! Please!” he shouts, now facing Arthur “You won the fight already, surely that's enough?” he continues to beg, Arthur releases his grip on the bloodied man into the mud. “What business is it of yours?”

“No business, but please i beg you” the man continues to beg but Arthur just pushes him out of his way, making his way through the crowd as they now disperse. The fun now over. I hastily make my way over to him, passing the man still in the mud without even a glance, my eyes not able to avert from Arthurs sorry state, covered in mud and in obvious pain as he sits on a chair outside another store. At first I didn't know what to say to him. Is this normal for them? I shouldn't be making a fuss if it is. “Are you okay?” is all i can say, silently cursing at myself at my stupid question. He looks up to me as I kneel in front of him, he can sense my concern, snickering slightly as his hand reaches up to his jaw, trying to rub away the ache. “I’m fine. Don't be worryin’ bout me.” You can't help it for some strange reason, still wanting to help him.

“Let's get you cleaned up, the hotel has a bath.” I nod in the direction of the hotel across from us, hoping he will take up the offer. But before we can make our way an unfamiliar British voice calls over to us.

“Making new friends again i see Arthur”

We turn to the voice, a smartly dressed man making his way over to us along with Dutch.

“Look who we found sniffing about.”

“Josiah Trelawney...” Arthur calls to him as he takes a welcoming bow “...I thought you'd gone to New York.”

“And miss all this glamour? You must be joking.” They all laugh “How are you?” 

“Well. Quite well indeed…” His attention turns from Arthur to me as we make our way towards them. “...I’m sorry, we haven't been introduced. Josiah Trelawney.” He extends his gloved hand to me. 

“Bella Hawthorn. Nice to meet you.” i shake his hand and smiling politely.

“My, my. You still enjoy the company of high society women i see Arthur.” He smirks, not taking his eyes off me as he lets go of my hand. 

“Nothing like that Josiah.” I blush slightly at his comment but I excuse myself to leave the men to their conversation, motioning over to the hotel and hoping they didn't notice the sudden pink in my cheeks.

-----

The water was heated perfectly as Arhtur makes his way into the room, slight moans escaping his lips, placing what looks like clean clothes he must have had stored on his horse on a chair.

He shrugs off his sodden jacket, dropping it to the floor and he works on the buttons of his blue shirt and pulling the suspenders down his arms. I’m frozen, unsure of what to do before realising i should leave him to it. He moans in pain again as he attempts to pull his shirt off his arms, the fresh aches and pains making it a struggle.

Once again, without thinking, I make my way over to him to help, this time no one to stop me but myself. With his back turned to me, he jolts slightly at my touch as I gently guided both of his arms out of his shirt, it now joining his jacket on the floor. He turns to me, not meeting my eyes as he murmurs his thanks, his hands then turning to his gun belt to remove it. 

The silence between us is deafening and awkward, he's the one to break it. “I see you got yourself a gun.” 

“Thought i'd treat myself.'' I smile and finally turn to the door, pulling at the handle.

“I'll wait for you outside.” It was barely above a whisper but I didn't turn back for confirmation that he heard me. Instead I shut the door behind me gently, leaning against it and releasing a breath I didn't know I was holding in. 

[zephyrthesolitary]

Astrology Basics - The Houses/Ruling Planets

We talked about Chiron, The Lunar Nodes, and personal planets and what they mean to us. Now, let's take a look at the Houses.

What are the Houses in Astrology?

Most horoscopic traditions of astrology systems divide the horoscope into many houses. The position of these houses depends more so on the time and location of your birth as opposed to just the date of birth. If you notice, even when you enter your date of birth on an astrology website to see your natal chart; if you select Unknown Time or ‘Use Noon’ as the time due to not knowing what time you were born, it will only provide you with the Planets and which signs are in them. 

You’ll be missing the houses and you'll also be missing your Ascendant-- which is why knowledge of time and location is extremely vital!

Think of a clock or a wheel. A house in astrology is very similar to either of those things. The zodiac is divided into 12 houses and each one is ruled by a different sign/planet. 

The zodiac starts with the 1st House, which is represented by the sign of Aries and then proceeds in counterclockwise order, ending in Pisces.

Each house identifies and defines the exact areas of your life your chart and horoscope references. Each house also represents something entirely unique. They can determine the different types of people we are, or encounter, the places we go and the life circumstances we experience during this lifetime and in many others!

As the houses are, so too are the planets. For the 12 houses, on our charts, we may have planets existing in all, some or maybe a majority of our houses. Planets move constantly from house to house. In your birth chart, you can identify which planet is in which house. 

Pretty cool, right?

The locations of each planet at the time of our birth and even throughout our lives (called progressions and transits) can provide very valuable insights about us, our growth and our developments as individuals, in all of our relationships (love and platonic friendships), and our ambitions and goals. 

But I’m sure you may have noticed when looking at your birth chart also, that there might be multiple planets in certain houses while other houses are totally empty! 

Don’t panic! This is totally normal. It really just shows us what makes us unique and our life path too. So no fretting. :)

Now let’s talk Rulership!

What Sign is Each House Ruled By?

Not only do we have planets in houses, but we also have signs and planets that rule OVER each house and so in turn, they represent something to us.

1st House - ruled by Aries.

2nd House - ruled by Taurus.

3rd House - ruled by Gemini.

4th House - ruled by Cancer.

5th House - ruled by Leo.

6th House - ruled by Virgo.

7th House - ruled by Libra.

8th House - ruled by Scorpio.

9th House - ruled by Sagittarius.

10th House - ruled by Capricorn.

11th House - ruled by Aquarius.

12th House - ruled by Pisces. 

What about the planets that rule over the houses?

Well, we’ve already acknowledged that each house has a sign ruling over it. Let’s take a look at the ruling planets. Something interesting you’ll notice is that some signs may have 2 ruling planets instead of 1. An example is Pisces, who has Jupiter and Neptune as rulers. You might also see that a couple of signs might share the same ruling planets such as Aquarius and Capricorn; they share Saturn as a ruler. 

Let’s just chart it out to make it easier. 

Aries is ruled by Mars.

Taurus is ruled by Venus.

Gemini is ruled by Mercury.

Cancer is ruled by the Moon.

Leo is ruled by the Sun.

Virgo is ruled by Mercury.

Libra is ruled by Venus.

Scorpio is ruled by Mars & Pluto.

Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter.

Capricorn is ruled by Saturn.

Aquarius is ruled by Saturn & Uranus.

Pisces is ruled by Jupiter & Neptune. 

Straightforward enough right? Sign rule over houses and planets rule over signs. 

This goes without saying, as we have places where we are comfortable, we also have places we are the utmost uncomfortable with. So too, do our signs.

A place of discomfort for signs in astrology is also known as a ‘Detriment’. 

What Is a Detriment?

In astrology, for a sign to be in detriment or exile, it is positioned in the zodiac sign OPPOSITE of the sign it rules. An example: Mars meets its Detriment in Taurus and Libra. Mars is MOST comfortable with the ruling sign Aries. For obvious reasons.

But with Mars in Taurus and Libra, it is a very unhappy camper. Mars is happiest when it can express itself freely and directly. Think of an engine of the car. It doesn’t matter who’s driving and where it's going. It just wants to move!

Now: Consider Taurus. Taurus is Earth. Mars is fire. Speed vs. one of the slowest moving signs in the Zodiac. Taurus wants to be methodical, practical, and deliberate. So Mars is weighted down and cannot take action as quickly, thoughtlessly, and impulsively as it would like to. Mars in Taurus worries about finding a sensible and stale course of action. Because Mars’ energy isn’t built for slowness and deliberation, it often grows frustrated and angry as well as impatient. Pressure builds the less action that can be taken.

Still confused?

Try to think about the qualities of the planet vs. the zodiac.

Mars is explosive, fast, impulsive. Taurus is careful planning, realistic, and sensible. 

Seeing it clearer now? They do not go hand in hand. It's uncomfortable for poor Mars. This is what a detriment is. I’ll also chart it out for you so you can see which signs are Detriment in certain planets.

Detriment Chart

The Sun is in detriment in Aquarius.

The Moon is in detriment to Capricorn.

Mercury is in detriment to Sagittarius & Pisces.

Venus is in detriment in Scorpio and Aries.

Mars is in detriment in Libra & Taurus.

Jupiter is in detriment in Gemini & Virgo.

Saturn is in detriment in Cancer & Leo.

Uranus is in detriment in Leo.

Neptune is in detriment in Virgo.

Pluto is in detriment in Taurus. 

Lastly, let talk about what each house focuses on!

Houses and Their Meanings

1st House = The Self/Ego; physical appearance, the image we portray, self-esteem, and the first impression we make on others. The way you start something new. It is the “I am” energy. 

2nd House = Material Possessions and Security aka ‘Our Values’; including our finances, personal belongings, and our relationship to the gifts we possess both physically and spiritually. What are your spending habits? It is the “I have” energy. Sometimes your self-worth and self-esteem are apparent here too.

3rd House = Communication style and learning ability; local community and transportation can be affected here too. Planets located here are motivated by expression and focus on building close relationships with peers, siblings, coworkers, and classmates. When planets pass through here, we oftentimes receive important information about our immediate network. This house governs our thinking process and cognitive functioning. It influences our voice via writing, speaking, media, or communication arts. It is the “I think” energy.

4th House = Inner foundation; Homelife and the base of operations. This house rules the home we grew up in and our inner home. It determines our roots, sense of security, and emotional foundation alongside our connection to the past and ancestry line. It looks at our relationship with the maternal figure in our lives and the outlook on domesticity. We are often encouraged to invest in ourselves by creating more private and, nurturing spaces. It is the “I feel” energy.

5th House = Inner Child; playfulness, joy and creativity, pleasure, and romance. It affects our creative and spontaneous self-expression. What were we like as children and what made us happy? Planets that transit here deliver eureka moments that boost confidence. It is the “I will” energy.

6th House = Health and Routine; day-to-day life. It is responsible for our levels of mindfulness and problem-solving skills. This house focuses on daily responsibilities, health habits, and, due diligence. It also governs our domestic pets and our attitudes towards routines, scheduling, and, organization. It is the “I analyze” energy.

7th House = Partnerships, Marriage, soulmates and relationships, and our take on these unions. It also looks at our open enemies. Anything such as contracts, lawyers, and compromises made fall under this house. It is the “I balance” energy.  

8th House = Transformation, Meeting needs, life secrets, and joint resources; it is commonly referred to as the house of death, in both the literal and figurative sense. This house governs sexuality as well, revolving around rebirth, crisis, and change, addiction and transformation, regeneration, and the attitude we have about these subject matters. It rules over our relationship with other peoples’ money (i.e. inheritance, debts, taxes, money left behind from a deceased marriage partner). It is the “I desire” energy.

9th House = Traveling, higher learning, philosophy of life/spiritual understanding; this rules your expansion of belief systems and personal philosophies you may possess. Because it is ruled by Jupiter-ruled Sagittarius, it revolves around long-distance travel, foreign languages, cultures, and publishing as well as commerce. It is the “I see” energy. 

10th House = Legacy and Reputation; career, achievements in society, the areas of life where we make a name for ourselves, and something of our lives. It pertains to fame, material success, and our desire for achievement. It also rules our relationship to authority (father figures and government) as well as our relationship to success and achievement. It is the “I use” energy.

11th House = Network and Visions; Friendships, associations, ideals, and causes. It is our personal goals and the areas of our lives that fall under the section regarding our wishes, hopes, and true inner purpose. It also governs our sense of community. It revolves around our teams, friendship groups, extended networks, and tribes. It is the “I know” energy.

12th House = The subconscious, psychological issues, and secrets. It looks at our actual dreams and nightmares. It governs our karma, self-undoing, and the soul growth that comes from our own undoing. It determines hidden strengths and weaknesses. It is the “I believe” energy.

Well, that’s all for now! Any questions? Just ask. I love to teach and share knowledge. Feel free to repost/reblog too!

Until Next Time!

[ofcloudsandstars]

Celestial Forecast

Week May 25th - 31st

Highlights:

On Wednesday the 27th, Juno will come out of retrograde! Eros enters Taurus

On Thursday the 28th, Mercury enters Cancer

On Saturday the 30th: First Quarter Moon in Virgo

This week theme feels really emotional especially with the moon kicking it off in Cancer. The themes seems to revolve around our work ethic and where we devote our energy towards especially as we build up to the first quarter Virgo moon. There will be energies about that may cause us to feel stuck or procrastinate but they are calling us to look within and see if we are using our time wisely. Old projects and hobbies may come back for you to revisit. Anything new may be stalled in this time.

Notes: I've added the asteroids Vesta, Psyche, Pallas and Sappho. Because I added so many more asteroids a lot of the daily energy can be interpreted to be more personal. Asteroids are like more nuanced components of planetary energy that can be seen like tools to help us understand how to unlock these areas of energy within ourselves in order to connect with the larger celestial transits better. Where as the planets can influence our traits, the outer planets influences society, and the trans neptunian planets influence our spirituality, asteroids are the lowest octaves of energy where it shows the innermost personal qualities of our lives we can tap into in order to connect with our energy and motives better. I may tone it the hell back next week lol. Like Pallas is literally useless right now since it moves slowly and has been retrograding in Aquarius so there's no point in really channeling it (just shows it's more of a time for experimenting or picking up old things instead of trying to learn new stuff with all of the retrogrades). I may also stop charting Ceres. I felt like charting Ceres was good since it can highlight when you feel a need to be nurtured or nurture others and for someone with mental health issues it seemed like a good idea to keep track of Ceres but I am starting to realize a lot of the transits are just highlighting when we feel like being a mommy and I am over here trying to be like: turn that mommy energy inwards. But that's not Ceres's main intention anyway it wants to mommy others.

  _____________________________

25th

Mars conjuncts Ceres in Pisces Mars and Ceres in Pisces sextiles Uranus in Taurus ☾♋ Moon enters Cancer ☾♋ Moon Opposite Jupiter rx and Pluto rx in Capricorn ☾♋ Moon Squares Chiron in Aries and Juno rx in Libra ☾♋ Moon Trines Ceres and Mars in Pisces ☾♋ Moon Sextiles Uranus and Psyche in Taurus

Energy: Today's vibe will feel pretty emotional with the moon returning to it's home in Cancer and trining Mars aligned with Ceres in Pisces. This deep dive into the watery signs along with nurturing and needy Ceres will make us feel passionate to explore our deepest needs to feel nurtured and secure. Additionally to add the fuel to this drive there is A LOT of aspects tying Uranus, Chiron, Jupiter rx and Pluto rx in the mix adding themes of transformation, inner change, inner healing and re-alignment of our values. Today we may find ourselves exploring if we feel nurtured, secured or valued, what in the past has caused us to influence our feelings in these areas of our lives, what we may need to change in order to bring this loving energy in our lives and if where we have devoted our energy to was worth it in the past. To go more in depth, the moon opposite Jupiter rx and Pluto rx in Capricorn along with it's square with Chiron in Aries will bring up new perspectives that can progress our inner expansion or bring up hidden buried feelings or messages from our soul that we could have missed in the past. The Chiron square will give us the tension and push to want to explore these deeper sides of ourselves even if it feels ugly in order to heal. There will be a lot of space for inner transformation and change due to Mars (and Ceres) sextiling Uranus and the moon Sextiling Uranus as well along with Psyche. Mars sextile Uranus gives an energetic courageous boost to try new things and the moon sextiling Uranus gives us a positive space for personal change and a new perspective on our emotions. Ceres sextiling Uranus can create space for us to find nurturing independently. With the moon sextiling Psyche in Taurus we can find the space to reconnect with our soul and deepest needs if we make ourselves the time. With the moon squaring Juno rx in Libra once again where we devote our energy towards will come into light. This will be amplified by the opposition with Jupiter rx and Pluto rx, it could be painfully amplified by the chiron square and could be added to the energy of Uranus sextiling Ceres. If you are in a relationship this may bring up any aspects of the relationship that may not be up to your standards. It would be a good time to observe but maybe not discuss just yet (though with all of the high energy flying about it may be hard to keep it in today), just make sure to give your partner space and have patience. If you have had hard past relationships they may come back today and show you where you need love and to strengthen your values.

Recommendations: It would be ideal today to set aside time for self reflection and inner nurturing. Especially since the moon is in a water sign, doing bath magic or (since it's in cancer) indulging in kitchen magic could flow perfectly with the energy of today. Using oracle cards or tarot for self reflection could help bring new perspectives especially with the Moon sextiling Uranus and Psyche. Shadow work would also be beneficial with the moon opposite Pluto rx, Jupiter rx and squaring Chiron and Juno rx. Lastly with a lot of Uranus, Ceres and Lunar aspects boosted by the energetic power of Mars it would be a great day to review your personal space and see if your living area makes you feel happy and magical. Freshen your room, add whatever makes you feel magical, dump whatever doesn't and make your space sacred!

________________________

26th

Mercury conjuncts Vesta in Gemini ☾♋ Moon Trines Neptune in Pisces ☾♋ Moon Sextiles Sappho in Virgo

Energy: The energy today will be amazing to explore your truest passions and inner philosophies (and maybe even work on them!) Today Mercury will conjunct with Vesta in Gemini, the asteroid of dedicated work and devotion (and the daughter of Saturn both in Mythology but also energetically with relations to the planets). This energy fused with the planet of the mind and communication along with the asteroid of devoted work will help open your mind to taking in new information and exploring areas that spark your inner passion. Additionally to this energy the Moon in Cancer will sextile Sappho in Virgo creating harmonious energy and a boost for us to explore our inner philosophies and truths that resonate with us emotionally. Ask yourself today: what peaks my curiosity? What areas in my life do I wish to creatively explore or express but I may hold myself back? What strikes my inspiration and lust to explore? Though I did put Fortuna as a minor celestial body (though it's not even a body, it's a mathematic point like Lunar Lilith), as a guide to understanding Jupiter's energy, Sappho is another fantastic guide to understanding your inner truth and authenticity so that you can live your most genuine life without the constraint of societal expectations. (Fortuna can help you connect more with the luck and abundance side of Jupiter's energy where as Sappho can help you connect more with the philosophies, adventures, attractions and truths side of Jupiter's energy). In addition to all this the moon will trine Neptune in Pisces favoring activities that are creative and artistic. You can also receive inspiration to make a breakthrough in a project where you could have suffered previously from writer or an artistic block. Additionally this trine can strengthen your intuition. With your intuition and creativity heightened with this beneficial trine, you should use this energy to also connect with exploring your deepest interests, passions, curiosities (ESPECIALLY if they are creative) and devote energy towards them.

Recommendations: Today will be a great day to set aside time for an 'artist date' where you make time to experiment with art or anything creative without judgement or expectation. It will be a great day to explore magic through art. There's many ways to do this since there are many mediums of art but some that come to mind: draw a tarot or oracle card and freewrite to explore your stream of consciousness on it or use it as a prompt to create a picture. Using sigil magic and colorology you can create a visual spell. If you have all the tools and materials available, creating organite (or any other magical tool) would be great. Another fantastic way to use the energy today would be to explore the energy of Sappho and how that applies to you. Think about how you can honor your genuine self free of inhibitions. With Jupiter retrograding, working with Sappho can help you navigate that energy as it can help you venture deeper within yourself. The moon trining Neptune will also help with this inner adventure. ________________________

27th

Juno comes out of Retrograde Eros enters Taurus ☾♌ Moon enters Leo ☾♌ Moon Squares Eros, Uranus and Psyche in Taurus ☾♌ Moon Trines Chiron in Aries ☾♌ Moon Sextiles Sun in Gemini and Juno in Libra

Energy: Today may feel like it's time to mingle again, yet it will be wise to wait! Not only because we are still in the middle of a global plague but Venus is still in retrograde. However, the energy will feel lovely, social, flirty, warm and lighthearted with all of the aspects happening. Everyone is feeling far more social in Gemini season (especially since it brought the nice weather) and though we all can't frolic about, Gemini being the mental airy type has revived a lot of new ways to connect through technology. Today the moon will enter dramatic yet romantic Leo and Juno will finally FINALLY come out of retrograde making us ready to open up our hearts again, look for love or for new friends! If you are not into finding new people to enter your life, this energy could manifest instead as you finding new a new creative direction or space to pour your energy towards. Today will feel lovely and light hearted as the Moon in Leo will sextile the Sun in Gemini and Juno in Libra creating a positive balance in energy and the potential to meet someone new that can help you understand your needs internally or work on your values. (Or find a new direction that speaks to your inner passion but it will be something that would add to your inner growth since a lot of planets are still in retrograde). Eros the asteroid of passion will enter Taurus today, shifting the collectives new source of inner fuel for fire to the patient slow burn sensual energy of Taurus. Even if you meet someone new today and the energy feels right between you, there will be opportunity to keep the spark alive long term through technology until it's safe to meet up in person. The juno retrograde could have brought up a lot of self examination when it came to our reviewing our devotion of our time and energy. As Venus is still in retrograde we will still be examining our values and self worth especially in regards to our friendships (since it's in Gemini). There is positive space for self reflection and growth as the moon will trine Chiron bringing opportunity for healing. Lastly the moon will square Eros, Uranus and Psyche in Taurus bringing up moods throughout the day that will create tension to push us to make personal changes. The moon and Eros square will push us to seek out new fuel to feed our drives whether that be new sources of inspiration or a new hook up. The Moon and Uranus square can bring up sudden new emotional perspectives or moods we weren't aware of before (also from other people) which could push us to make changes in our personal space. The moon and Psyche square could bring up some situations that can push us to look deeper within ourselves perhaps due to uncomfortable circumstances that will cause intense self reflection.

Recommendations: Overall it's a good day to meet new friends, socialize online as well as set time aside to work on self healing, self love and self reflection. If you want to meet new people that can relate to your interests, doing a spell to attract new friends could be of benefit today. Since the moon is in Leo and Venus is still in retrograde, self love spells would be beneficial today. Since Leo is ruled by the sun, if it's nice weather, channeling the sun's energy while meditating under it could be of help. Solar magic harmonizes well with self love spells.

________________________

28th

Mercury in Gemini squares Sappho in Virgo Mercury enters Cancer Uranus conjuncts Psyche in Taurus Psyche in Taurus sextiles Ceres in Pisces ☾♌ Moon Sextiles Venus rx in Gemini

Energy: For the next few weeks our emotions will reign our mental landscape as Mercury finds it's way into Cancer. With Mercury swimming in Cancer and Mars still deep in Pisces expect the atmosphere and drive to be fueled by feelings. Before Mercury moves into Cancer it will square Sappho in Virgo which, for some, can potentially be the pea under the stack of mattresses that can influence the mood of Mercury's next transit. The square can bring up tension or frustrations around living our truths or pursuing genuine interests. We may either feel inclined to partake in what makes us feel like our authentic selves or if we feel blocked from expressing this it may negatively impact us making us feel like we are unable to be who we truly are. Additionally Uranus will conjunct Psyche in Taurus giving us the key to create change deep within. This fusion of energy can cause change within us in how we relate to our core or approach situations in life especially in regards to what makes us feel safe, understood on a soul level and nurtured (Psyche sextiling Ceres in Pisces). As Mercury enters Cancer, emotions are amplified so how these asteroids, the guides of our inner selves are impacted can create a ripple effect on our moods throughout the 2.5/3 week cycle. Lastly the Moon will sextile Venus retrograding in Gemini which can focus our emotions on our social life and inner values. The retrograde can cause us to make changes in our social life or reach out to old friends. This sextile will cause us to want to feel more social as well as reflect on our values and friendships.

Recommendations: Today would be good to listen to a sound bath or meditate to some binural beats. That can help us be more in tune with our mental landscape and emotions as well as understand any changes happening within. Sound based meditations can also bring emotions to light that we weren't previously aware of. It's also a good day to reach out to old friends who you missed and haven't had a chance to reconnect with for a while! Schedule a video chat if you can.

________________________

29th

Saturn rx in Aquarius squares Eros in Taurus ☾♌ Moon Opposite Pallas rx and Saturn rx in Aquarius ☾♌ Moon Sextiles Vesta in Gemini ☾ VOC 2:30PM (from yesterday)-12:40PM ☾♍ Moon enters Virgo ☾♍ Moon Trines Eros in Taurus ☾♍ Moon Sextiles Mercury in Cancer

Energy: Today will feel like a lesson in our work ethic. The energy and time will feel slowed down and give us an opportunity to explore our passions, our work ethic and ideas. If you have been trying to pick up neglected projects in Saturn retrograde or experiment with new things, today's energy will be a helpful pillar in that journey. Saturn rx in Aquarius will square Eros in Taurus putting pressure in expressing our innermost passions. We may have a strong desire under this tension to pursue our passions but may feel a bit restricted by the square. Instead of feeling frustrated, the slowing energy of Saturn (especially in retrograde) wants us to look within and learn how to better use our inner fuel for projects. A helpful boost of energy will come from the Moon in Leo giving a helpful sextile to Vesta in Gemini which will help us understand our work ethic better (especially in areas of creativity) and give a helpful tool to operating the energy of the square. The moon will also form an opposition to Pallas rx and then to Saturn rx in Aquarius making the day feel longer and have a more serious tone. The Pallas rx opposition can make it feel like it's difficult to relearn how to better apply our work ethic but it's retrograde could bring to light how we applying our learning skills to these situations. (Just don't give up! Keep trying!) The moon opposite Saturn rx can make that section of the day feel serious and grounding but it will be a perfect window of time to take stock of work you need to get done and reflect on tasks you'd like to complete. The moon will then enter the dutiful sign of Virgo which will help boost our organizational skills. The moon will trine Eros in Taurus creating a new segment in today's 'lesson' as we will get a window of time where the mood will be harmonious to apply our energy towards our passions yet we may find it easier and more calculated with the influence of the Moon in Virgo. The Moon in Virgo will also sextile Mercury in Cancer giving us a better connection to our mental landscape and moods. This harmonious bridge between the heart and mind can help us understand better methods of how we can work and apply ourselves to our tasks. With Mercury being in Cancer this aspect can be extra sentimental making us a little nostalgic or helping bring up emotional memories that could reveal deeper sentiments in regards to our current responsibilities.

Recommendations: However this energy manifests for you, today would be a good day to review how you use your energy towards your work or interests that drive you. It would be a good day to do energy work with Saturn and Vesta and channel them towards you. There are some great frequencies online you can listen to to help take in the energy of Saturn's planet while working (it makes great background music as you focus on work!) Magical work today could either be beneficial if you use it for grounding and centering your energy (on the energetic side of things) or use it for practical matters like magic in the mundane with kitchen witchcraft, cleansing the house, creating energetic boosts to focus your energy (on the physical side of things). However raising energy and manifestation may be a bit more challenging today with the long void of course from the moon and the heavy earth sign energy. It just may take a while for what you want to appear. Long term spells would be great but nothing short term.

________________________

30th

First Quarter Moon in Virgo Sun in Gemini squares Moon in Virgo and Ceres in Pisces ☾♍ Moon Opposite Mars and Neptune in Pisces ☾♍ Moon Squares Venus rx in Gemini ☾♍ Moon Trines Uranus and Psyche in Taurus

Energy: Today may feel like an intense start to a chapter as the first quarter moon in Virgo is met with many tense aspects as well as the Sun in Gemini squaring Ceres in Pisces. Most first quarter moons are for taking action yet there will be additional tension today. The Sun squaring Ceres may create a theme regarding lack of nurture or overcoming areas in our lives where we feel this lack of support or need it the most. This square may also overexert our need to give to others (especially if we feel like giving that nurturing generosity may create some in return). Some uncomfortable tension may come from the Moon opposite Mars and Neptune in Pisces. Moon opposite Mars can create rise in tempers and butting heads. However this energy could be applied positively if you use it to defend loved ones or a cause to aid the community. However if you are going head strong on a selfish ambition you can meet a lot of opposition today. Moon opposite Neptune can heighten deceptions, illusions and distort our emotions towards others. It's best to avoid arguments in this time frame. This energy is also great for helping others and the community. Together with the Mars opposition, Sun and Ceres square and the first quarter moon in Virgo the energies can be applied to helping loved ones or the community. Perhaps this will be a time where people will try to come together to help each other out in the midst of this pandemic. There is room for inner change as the Moon will trine Uranus and Psyche in Taurus helping us revise our emotional and personal worlds and connect to ourselves on a soul level. Lastly the moon will square Venus rx in Gemini challenging our values and increasing our needs for self love. The Sun and Ceres square can be intense with this moon and venus square as it may amplify any negative feelings with us not feeling loved enough and may push us to over give in hopes of getting something back. If this aspect really gets to you it's good to set time aside for yourself.

Recommendations: Where as the New Moon is good for setting intentions and trying new things, the first quarter moon is good for taking action and putting ideas into motion. It's good to start materializing something (earthly Virgo will definitely help with that) and in some cases it's a good time to get crafty and make magical tools. It would be a good time to set time aside for yourself for self love magic as the energy can be intense. Virgo can be very healing in it's energy so practicing self love could come in forms of self care such as eating healthy and nurturing your body. With the moon opposing Mars and Neptune it's a good time to set up wards and protect yourself. If the first quarter moon is this intense it can potentially build up a bigger wave of energy for the full moon (especially with the full moon in expansive Sagittarius!) so remember to check up on your wards and protection today.

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31st

☾♍ Moon Conjunct Sappho in Virgo ☾♍ Moon Opposite Ceres in Pisces ☾♍ Moon Squares Vesta in Gemini ☾♍ Moon Trines Jupiter rx and Pluto rx in Capricorn ☾ VOC 10:16AM-3:37PM ☾♎ Moon enters Libra ☾♎ Moon Conjunct Juno in Libra ☾♎ Moon trines Saturn rx in Aquarius ☾♎ Moon Squares Mercury in Cancer

Energy: Today's mood will feel a bit up and down as the moon makes it's way through some enlightening and frustrating aspects. A lot of the themes the moon will bring up today will be in regards to where we devote our energy towards and helpful transformations in regards to how we use our energy towards our responsibilities or passions. The moon will briefly conjunct Sappho in Virgo fusing the two energies. We will feel more emotionally inclined to explore our genuine interests and attractions under this influence. The moon will square Vesta in Gemini creating a window of time where we will feel the urgency and tension to push our energy towards work that is meaningful to us. With the moon trining Jupiter rx and Pluto rx in Capricorn there is room for personal expansion and transformation if you wish to tap into that energy. Moon opposing Ceres can bring up the need to nurture or care for others. Additionally it can create negative feelings that we aren't feeling nurtured enough. The moon will enter Libra and conjunct Juno in Libra bringing up a mood for romance or a call to question our values and devotion. This may be a messy aspect to endure with Venus in retrograde as we may get messages from past lovers or feel the need to contact an ex. The moon will trine Saturn rx in Aquarius giving us a boost of responsibility to work on tasks we need to focus on. After the moon will square Mercury in Cancer which can put emotions over logic. However this square can give a good incentive to clean up at home or reflect on our moods.

Recommendations: As we enter the moon's waxing phase the energy encourages us to put our intentions from the new moon into action. The moon's transits affecting Sappho, Vesta and Juno can give us helpful clues to the emotions they stir up where we should focus on. (Sappho being our interests, Vesta being our work, Juno being our values). Today would be a good day for meditation and channeling these energies or working with the Jupiter and Pluto retrograde to do inner journeying to aid in your current direction. The moon conjunct Juno in libra could be excellent energy for a self love spell. With the moon and mercury square that energy would be great for cleaning up your personal space, journaling and exploring your emotional and mental space. ________________________

[chaoartwork]

Zimvoid: Prologue

Genre: multiverse, adventure, comedy, friendship

Characters: 2k, Palindrome, the Zims

Rated: G (Mild Violence)

Summary:Two people, each in their own alternate universe and are both the same Irken named “Zim”, respond to an Irken distress signal that leads them to travel into a vortex located on one of Earth’s ocean. This causes them to be trapped in a planet filled with their thousand alternate selves called the Zimvoid.

Given the world providing no major equipments, along with their Girs destroyed, and the Zimvoid having a hierarchical society, no Zim can figure out how the Zimvoid came to be and how to get back home.

As a result, when two Zims end up bumping into each other, they decide to partner up in a resistance group, attempt to recruit more Zims and take down the leader of the Zimvoid in order to find the source of its origin and find a way to get back home.

Based entirely on the Invader Zim comic arc “Battlevoid” (Issue 46-49)

Next:https://chaoartwork.tumblr.com/post/617973015079272448/zimvoid-issue-1

Green light. It was the very first thing to see in a small rocky-like and almost lifeless planet. A planet that appears to be in the middle of nowhere. Just clusters of stars in the distance and a small sun. But despite there being a sun, it barely peeks by the horizon. In fact daytime appear for several hours in a dawn-like view before dipping back down to let the sky go black again, the moon being the most noticeable. The green light is the main thing that lights up the planet, revealing piles of broken ships surrounding it along with scraps scattered about. The light turns out to be a device. A massive device towering over high to be seen from the other side of the planet. It had complex structures with the tip looking like a fist pointing up at the stars.

At a small distance, soft clattering sounds are heard getting louder and louder. The clattering reveal to be footsteps, created by small beings wearing armors that make them look like bug people. They are shown to be carrying about spear-like weapons with their body barely exposed except for their pinkish beady eyes. The clatters slowed and soften once they reached the area. When they made a halt, they made sure to keep a safe distance from the cluttered crashed ships. They all looked up at the vortexes spinning about from the sky. Several to be exact. They can be easily seen thanks to to the strange bright device. No figures moved except for one, who walked up to be in the front of the group. The leader’s one eye squinted at the view of the vortexes until something caught his interest.

 “This vortex looks active today,” he pointed at the one that was swirling the strongest with Lightnings surging underneath the swirling clouds. The thunder however had a gentle sound, only making soft rumbling noises. The leader lowered their finger,

“It looks like we got another one coming for sure.”

One of the bug looking people sat down on a boulder sighing.

“Do we really have to wait? What if it’s just another false alarm?”

“Don’t be lazy now, 680!”  The leader glared at the one sitting, “we have an important job to do that doesn’t revolve around monitoring others! If one of them arrives

and end up getting away, our ranking would be at risk!”

The leader looked back up at the active vortex.

“We got to be ready for when another newbie arrives.”

680 sighs,

“The next one better not be as humiliating as the last two.”

Another guard went over and poked at the leader.

“Hey, 501? Is uh....it alright if I patrol the area? Make sure there aren’t any rejects wandering about?”

The leader thought about it. He sighed.

“Fine. But make sure you stay close by.”

 The big person dipped their head.

“Good! Will do.”

They started to walk away while 680 looked at the bug person, the shape of their eye forming a irritated expression.

“How come he’s able to walk about and not me-?”

“Hold on!”

The armored creature stopped what they were doing and both of them looked at their leader.

“What is it, 501?”

 But he didn’t say anything else. Instead fell silent. By that notion, they looked up at the active vortex and listened. And what they began to hear was a whirring sound. And it was starting to get louder. They right away began to recognize the sound with 680 standing up and the other one, who was going to go for a look out, turned back. They each sided with their leader and continued looking at the vortex.

“You think we got company?”

The whirring sound kept sounding more clear with 501 looking on. His eye squinted in pleasure and gripped his spear.

“Oh yeah. We got company.”

The sound now became loud enough to echo the area. And just when it did, a small ship dashed right out of the active vortex. It was dashing so fast due to how much the vortex has quickened its speed that there was no way the driver within the ship can turn in time. And for that, it bombarded against the device and green electricity surged violently across the small ship enough for the engine to make a blow out. It floated in mid air, the engine making last few coughs before it started spiraling downward. The viewers were already aware at this point that the ship was completely destroyed after a zap like that. The ship spew out smoky trail as it slightly glided down. It finally hit the ground, causing it to bounce upwards with parts flying out of it.

  It hits the ground again, flying upwards again but this time in a lower altitude. It makes one last crash to the ground and skidded across the ground with more parts being left behind (some even being softly lit up in flames). The ship then collided with the other broken ships, causing it to go into an extreme halt before finally fully resting. It was now a complete mess and looked to be unfixable, smoke continuing to spew out of the back of the cruiser. The people waited a little longer. 501 gestures to the guys behind.

“Let’s go see what we got this time.”

They both nodded, letting the 501 take the lead and start heading over to the newly crashed ship.

————————-

The ship’s driver can feel the consciousness return to him. His body feels badly sore as if he was tossed all about. But other than that, the first thing that came to his mind was that he was still alive. He grunted, trying his best to ignore the strongly aching pain and finally opening his eyes, seeing himself underwater within a glass. His vision looks wavy because of this. But it’s not like it was brand new. In fact, this how he now always sees the world. He took notice on the very first thing he saw:

He was in his damaged ship, with his eyes looking out to see a bright device towering over him. There were stars at the night sky, glittering about, while some clouds would move about to cover it. He blinked at the sight, but tried to ignore it. He needed to get out of the ship. He let out a painful grunt as he started to sit up. He felt a little shaky, but kept using all his strengths to get out. In a good way, he can feel his body get stronger the more he used it. He pushed open the broken glasses and cracked his back with a short groan when stretching out his body. He sighed and then was finally able to pull himself out.

 He looked at the ship,

“Computer,” he said to it, “see if you can scan the area.”

There were glitchy sounds that lasted a while as he waited for it to respond.

“Zzzz-nnnzzzt. Y-y-y-yesssszzzz....”

He tapped his foot and looked at the ship impatiently.

“Oh come on now. You can’t be that bro-“

Suddenly, the ships surrounding him were brought to life just a bit for him to flinch when they responded with the same voice as his own.

“Yezzzzziirrr-“

“Yezzzsurrrrs-s-s-“

“-Skannnnnn-“

“Skanzzzzzninnnn-“

One of them even did so as well, but with a squeakier tone, until they all shut off at the same time. His eyes traced at all of them, now feeling uncomfortable at what he just witnessed,

“....ken?”

It took him a several seconds to try and digest before looking about his surroundings. It was then he realized there is something off with the ships.

“Uh....why do the ships look a lot like mine?”

He looked back at his own ship.

“Computer, scan the ships.”

But there was this time dead silence.

“Computer....computer!”

He knocked few times on the ship like it was some sort of door, but no response. He looked at it for a short while. He took out a floating communication device from his irken PAK and spoke to it,

“Computer!”

 But there was no response except static sounds. He sighs and puts it back in his PAK.

“Great. Lost signal. Looks like I’m gonna have to use some junks around here in order to fix the ship...if there’s anything useful here.”

He suddenly remembered something and thought about it.

“Speaking of ‘junk’....”

He looked about almost frantically, but also remained a calm attitude.

“Gir!”

There was no answer.

“Gir! Get out here!”

Still no answer.

  He sighs in frustration,

“That’s stupid little...Gir!”

He started walking about as he continued to call out for the one he’s looking for.

 Meanwhile, few of those bug people can be seen hiding behind some of the crashed ships as they peeked out to look at the newcomer. 501 took a look at him for a short while, and then turned to the other strange bug creature. He nodded at them. They nodded in response and looked at the newcomer. They went out from their hiding place and started to creep close to the stranger.

“Gir! Are you nearby?! Gir! G-“

The stranger that reveals to have fins on the side of his head perked up, causing him to stop making a sound and froze in place.

  The person that was creeping up on him made a complete halt as well, hoping that he would just think he overheard it and let it go. The leader squinted, paying close attention to whatever the newcomer may do. The newcomer hesitated. He turns behind him.

 “NOW!” 501 shouts out.

The newcomer harshly flinches when he sees three bug-like people start charging towards him. He turns and starts trying to run off. But the first two launched unto him, making him let out a panicky yelp, before tackling him down on the ground. They completely pinned him down, making sure he doesn’t try to break free. He was shown to be growling and shouting as an act of defense until he began to give out and pant in complete exhaustion.

  The guards were finally able to take a good look at him. One of them sighed and said,

“Ugh! See, 501? I told you that the next one would be humiliating!”

“Let me see for myself,” he replied, walking up to them and taking a good look at the one who entered their world.

  The one they were holding down out turns out to be an Irken. But it wasn’t any other regular Irken. In fact, this Irken appears to be a mixture of a Irken AND a fish. Although it is uncertain what type of fish he really is, there’s no doubt he requires water in order to live with the way he is wearing a scuba diver suit, with a round head tank that’s completely filled with water. There was also a tube that attached to the back of the tank and his PAK, though it’s hard to tell what it’s true purpose is.

“Hmm,” he said in interest, watching the hybrid look up at him with a mixture of frustration, confusion, and fear.

“I do agree with you, 680. He is indeed one of the most humiliating one we ever found.”

———————————

The newcomer kept on showing to be struggling and baring his huge sharp teeth in order to try and scare the people who captured him. But that didn’t do him any good as they dragged him over to a chamber. There were few other bug-looking people there working in the chamber until they stopped what they were doing and looked to see who they brought in.

“Nnngh-ah! Agh!  Let go of me! Please let go of me-!”

“‘Please?’ One of them snorted, “did I just hear him say ‘please’?”

“-Don't you even know who you’re messing with here? Please get off me!”

“Calm down fishy,” 501 said as they pinned him on a metallic table and started strapping him against, “we just need to get you set up first and you’re good to go.”

“Stop calling me ‘fishy’!”

But they ignored him as the leader turned to one of them saying,

“You. Collar.”

“Yes, sir!” The person dipped his head and left the room for a moment while 501 went over to a lever to tilt the table for everybody to get a good look at the prisoner, who was still shown to be struggling.

 One of them walked up sounding unamused.

“Another fish hybrid? And he requires water? How embarrassing.”

The prisoner immediately stopped struggling when he heard that comment.

“Yeah,” the other one said, “and what’s with that outfit? What is he, a pathetic human scuba diver?”

“He looks soft,” another bug person said, “really soft.”

“Oh you should have seen him!” 501 laughed as he turns to the group, “right as we were sneaking up to him, he actually started calling out for his Gir.”

“Wait what?”

“Pfff-reallly?!” One of them snorted, causing all them to laugh along with him.

The prisoner gazed at all of them. He blinked into confusion.

“‘My Gir?’”

“Oohhh my Gir,” the leader suddenly imitated the prisoner in a very dramatic tone, “my poor poor Gir, where have you gone?!”

The gangs howled in laughter for a while longer. The newcomer just remained confused until another voice was heard.

“Hey 501!” The guard that left for a moment came back and showed something he was carrying, “you think this is the right size for him?”

The leader’s laughter softened so he can take a look at it. The prisoner also turned to see what that guard was carrying. It appears to look like a metallic and purplish looking collar with a lock hole and four orange tiles that contain four digit numbers, all of them being 0 digits.

 Whatever it was though, he started to feel very unsettled about it.

“Uhhhh yeah,” the leader answered, “should be good. Someone hold his arms in case he tries something pathetic. I’ll hold his uh....head...tank.”

Two guards went ahead and pinned his arms down. While the leader went and ahead and made sure he doesn’t move his head. As a response, the prisoner starts struggling again,

“Nnngh! What is that that thing?!”

 “Relax,” 501 said, “it won’t hurt you. Just hold still.”

The one holding the collar first looked at a paper that appears to be a list. He found something and uses a marker to check it off. He then walked over to the prisoner in order to put the collar around his neck and close it tightly. The prisoner watches as the guard then pulls out a strange looking key and plug it onto the lock hole. He turns it, making the four digits start changing in a fast rate with all random numbers. The twisting of the key slows, along with the changing of the digits, until it came to a complete halt. What remains were the following fours digits:

||2-0-0-2||

 The guard pulls the key out and gives the collar a good tug.

“Alright, 501. The collar is locked tight. He’s good to go.”

“Perfect,” he responded in satisfaction and lets go of the prisoner, who is seen analyzing his new collar, “you should be ready for your first job, 2002.”

His analyzation was cut off. He turned to his eyes to the leader.

“2002?”

“Yup! That will be your name for now on.”

“New name?” He looked extremely confused and dazed for a moment.

He shook his head and halted them,

“W-Wait wait wait wait wait, you cannot just change my name like that! Do you know who I am?! I am-“

“Zim,” the leader responded, “We know, 2002.”

“Exactly!” He narrowed, “so what makes you think you would give Zim such a ridiculous-wait.”

His anger soften and pointed out,

“How do you know my name? I-I mean I know I’m uh, great and all. But still.”

 The guards all gazed at him. One guard went up to 501.

“Oh! Is it time we reveal it? Come on come on come on, I wanna see what face this one might make!”

501 glanced at him. He chuckled.

“Very well then. I guess we hid it a little too long now.”

“Yes...!” He squealed a bit in excitement.

“Alright,” he faces back to 2002, “let’s show him who we really are.”

He grew more confused, but decided to watch as the gangs all grabbed their helmet and took it off.

  2002 gazed at the gangs and it took him a while to digest what he was really seeing. But as soon as it started to click him, his face went blank. Standing in front of him were creatures that looked.....just like him? Well....not exactly like him. But they look extremely close. All of them were. It was almost as if they were all his identical brothers. Except they were not irken-fish hybrids like him, but instead normal irkens. Two of them had a single eye with a patch located where their second eye could have been. The third one had a scar across his eye and the fourth had a white mustache. They were like himself but all of them having parts of them that are different.

 And they all had collars, just like the one they gave him. But they all came in different digits:

0-5-0-1, 0-6-8-0 and so on.

“W.....w-wait....” he softly stammered, “I’m con....w...what are you?”

501, who is the one with the black eyepatch walked closer to him.

“You are not the only one who is Zim, 2002. I am Zim. He is Zim. We are all Zim.”

At this point, the prisoner didn’t know what to say. If anything he feels more lost and confused than ever before. And maybe even stunned and loss for words. 501 noticed this and he let out a pesky smirk.

“Welcome to the Zimvoid.”

[zombiequincy]

THE BIG BLEACH HC MEME centering around politics, repost & fill out! For anyone who wanted to explore those aspects more, considering it played a big role in the story. Some things may be unknown to your Muse, just think in WHAT IF then & well, have fun and take your time!

BASICS

Name:   Giselle Gewelle    / / /    Age:   22    / / /    Gender:   female Race:   Shinigami / Quincy / Hollow / Fullbringer / Visored / Human / Other Currently lives:   Soul Society / Hueco Mundo / Silbern / Living World / Hell Exact Location: wouldn’t you like to know weather boy. Group(s): Sternritter

QUESTIONS

- Would your muse consider themselves more: GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL ? - Would your muse consider their group more: GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL ? - How does your muse think others see them: GOOD / EVIL / NEUTRAL ? - How does your muse think others see their race: GOOD / EVIL / NEUTRAL ? - How does your muse think others see their group: GOOD / EVIL / NEUTRAL ?

- Is your muse considered a threat: YES / NO ?  From whom?:  Soul Society and anyone with a working braincell. - Is your muse powerful: YES / NO ?  Could they be considered OP:  YES / NO ? - Did your muse commit any crimes: YES / NO ? - Does your muse think they are doing mostly the right thing: YES / NO ? - Would society think the same: YES / NO / MIXED OPINIONS ?

- Does your muse think they are treated unfairly: YES / NO ? - Does your muse feel understood from others: YES / NO ? - Is it important for them what others think of them as a person: YES / NO ? - Would they welcome death:  YES / NO ? - Will they ever find peace:  YES / NO ?

01.0.  Do they fully stand behind the group they are part of? YES / NO. Why is that? Explain: The Quincy’s express a very grey area for Giselle, on the one hand they gave her her powers which she loves and adores greatly and uses to the extent where she can’t imagine life without such abilities, but they also remind her of past, which was painful and isolated and which she tried to separate from her adult self as much as she possibly could. As far as their goals of world domination and elimination of the Soul Reapers as revenge for the war which happened many years ago, Giselle does not care. She’s here for a good time. Not a convoluted revenge fantasy sorta time! 

02.0.  Do they like as things are in Soul Society? YES / NO. 02.1.  Is there anything they would change? Explain here: It’s old and crusty and out of touch with reality. Even in her brief stint spent there, Giselle thought it was dull and very behind the times. Needs more flavour! More spice!

03.0. Would they ever actively try to bring change (in general)? YES / NO. 03.1. Is your muse more: passive / active ?  Introverted / Extroverted ? 03.2. Does your muse care more about: others / themselves ? 03.3. Do they trouble their mind over a lot of problems, others? YES / NO. 03.4. Do they mostly involve: the world / everyone / themselves / comrades / friends / family / elderly / kids / teenagers / home / workplace / strangers / souls / humans / quincy / shinigami / nobles / fullbringer / visored / hollows / espada / arrancar / (former) boss(es) / pets / animals / zanpakuto spirit / enemies / partner / lovers / soul king / god / other…(add more) 03.5. Name (up to) three which are the most on their mind (optional, adding names): - girls - homicide  - what to eat for lunch

04.0. Do they think frequently about politics? YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Why is that? Explain: Giselle is too young to really care or understand the deeper ramifications and political systems at play within the Quincy hierarchy. She knows there’s an inner circle of Sternritter’s closer to Yhwach, but it rarely effects her so she just ignores it. She grew up privileged and she knows that gives her the luxury to avoid thinking more deeply on certain issues. Being Echt she knows she’s technically above other Quincy’s but doesn’t really get why or what purpose that gives anything she does. 

05.0. How do they feel in their current location: POSITIVE / NEGATIVE / NEUTRAL ? 05.1. Why is that?:  Without the Sternritters or Quincy’s, Giselle has lost any real sense of purpose. Going back to her old life would almost certainly guarantee her capture by humans or Soul Reapers so she’s trying to find meaning or a goal that doesn’t revolve around the suffering of others and her own enjoyment of said suffering and its hard. At least she’s free.

06.0. Does your muse have any goal: YES / NO ?  BIG / SMALL ? 06.1. Does it involve anything world-changing: YES / NO ? 06.2. If goal or not, any future plans? Share here:  Get a mortician licence.

07.0. Does your muse know about the Original Sin of Soul Society*: YES / NO ? * curious? Read about it here. 07.1. If they knew, would it change their views on Soul Society: YES / NO ? 07.2. More: POSITIVE / NEGATIVE / NEUTRAL ?

08.0. Who is the worst person in their eyes?:  Yumichika. 08.1. What should happen to them?  Execution (quick / slow death) / Imprisonment / Stripped of their powers / Torture / Repay for their sins / Pay a Fine / Social Work / lose their loved ones / Exile / other… (add more). 08.2. Explanation:  There are a good number of other characters who handed Giselle’s ass to her on a platter (Ichigo & Mayuri in particular), but that’s all part and parcel for a war. Even Yhwach who betrayed her and tried to kill her in the end still did her some good by giving her her powers. Above all, they still respected her most basic rights and identity. Yumichika she hates more deeply because he went low when it wasn’t warranted.

09.0. Thoughts on: Quincy Massacre if they knew: POSITIVE / NEGATIVE / NEUTRAL ? 09.1. Would they be alright with such thing happening again: YES / NO ? 09.2. Would they try to prevent it: YES / NO / DEPENDS ? 09.3. Explanation: The original Massacre happened too long ago for her to remember so she’s just kinda ‘Meh, sucks to suck!’ about it. Were there another attempt on a Quincy Massacre now, it would be a whole other thing because there aren’t very many Quincy’s left really to exterminate so of course she would try to prevent another all out extermination on her end because it would put her life at risk.

10.0. Would they ever switch sides: YES / NO ? 10.1. If yes, What could bring them to do so?:  A personal betrayal. 10.2. Would they create a new one: YES / NO ?  or join a current one? If so, which:  She had to join the Soul Reapers, however briefly, to get into the Soul King’s palace to kill get up to  Yhwach.

11.0. Does your muse follow a certain moral code*?:  YES / NO / GRAY AREA ? * (ethics) A written, formal, and consistent set of rules prescribing righteous behavior, accepted by a person or by a group of people. 11.1. What does it involve?: No transphobia. 11.2. What does it NOT involve?: Giselle is literally not above killing anything or anyone or making them do anything as her zombie. She is as depraved and cruel as you can imagine, if it brings her pleasure, she’ll do it.     

YOUR MUSE’S VIEWS / OPINIONS ON THESE GROUPS ?

Central 46:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because: she doesn’t engage with them enough to really know what they do or if they’re fucked up on any deeper level.

Four Great Noble Clans:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because: same deal, she doesn’t interact with them enough to know what their problem is. 

Royal Guards / Gotei 13:   positive / negative / neutral .   ━   because: ghost cops deserve to die! Even if they teamed up in the end, they still took two of her friends hostage and used them in experimentation. That’s fucked up. If she see’s a soul reaper, it’s on sight.

Fullbringer:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because:  Funky little humans with some flavour of hollow. Not expressly evil or aligned with soul reapers so she can vibe with them. 

Visored:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because:  Same ghost cop, different hollow flavour. They make good zombies though.

Espada:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because:  All Quincy’s have a sort of guttural negative reaction to hollows to try and reject them. Giselle is no different. 

Quincy:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because: That’s her clique! 

YOUR MUSE’S VIEWS / OPINIONS ON THESE (IMPORTANT) PEOPLE ?

Aizen:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because:  Dude who sat tied to a chair...ominously. Would make for a poor zombie.

Yhwach:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because:  He tried to kill her twice. Bad vibes.

Mayuri:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because:  Too shiny and too annoying and too much of a book smarts and also stole all her sick zombies using science. Also experimented on two people she cares about so, die!

Kurosaki:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because:  Threw her through a building and broke her neck.

Soul King:   positive / negative / neutral.   ━   because: Big man in the sky that Yhwach tried to kill. Don’t know who he is or what he did, but eh. Maybe he had it coming.

CONGRATS, you managed till to the end, now tag your fellow bleach partners!

TAGGED BY: @skyvar​ cheers for creating this !! its awesome!! TAGGING:  i tag @diepower​ @oorigamii​ @oscuras​ @fleshpurifies​ and whoever else would like to do it

[awed-frog]

When you say romance should be 18 and over do you mean the brand of romance we know today (aka toxic) or romance as a whole? If we wrote healthy romance aimed at younger crowds or presented unhealthy behaviour as unhealthy behaviour in regular romance (for older crowds) would that be a good solution?

Well - I see three questions here, all of them incredibly complex and beyond interesting: should art be political and is censorship ever a good idea and also is the romance genre okay? The answer to all of them, in my opinion, is ‘no but’.

1) Should art be political?

The stupid thing is, art is inherently political, whether you want it to or not, but art that’s deliberately political tends to be awful, and that’s a universal truth both for left-wing stuff and for right-wing stuff. When you willingly create political stuff, what you’re crafting is propaganda, and proganda is generally sad and bad. I guess there is propaganda that’s also good art - Victor Hugo’s The Man Who Laughs comes to mind - but the problem is, not all of us are Victor Hugo. 

That said, since whatever we create is political (because man is a social animal) and will have some kind of moral message, yes - ideally we want more art with an ethically ‘good’ moral message than we want garbage, because art (and here I include everything: books, movies and so on) is perhaps the most effective and impactful mind-shaper ever. That’s why Disney is doing its very best to be a monopoly, after all. But: I don’t have a good solution for how to ensure art is nice. I think art is nice when artists are nice, and artists are nice when they grow up in good, healthy societies. So the more a society rots from the inside out, the more likely it is you’ll find art that’s also rotten. I mean, while romance as a genre was always a bit dodgy (see below), what that article was talking about - the rise of the possessive, violent boyfriend and domestic abuse as the great love story - is sort of a recent phenomenon, and goes hand in hand with the deterioration of women’s rights in (Western) society. 

(As an aside, I’m not sure I agree (young) women are necessarily misogynistic for reading crap like Fiftfy Shades: I think (young) women are exhausted. Fifty Shades is, more than anything, an ode to undeserved capitalism - the only kind that seems open as an option today. After all, we know trickle-down capitalism doesn’t work and most of us will toil and toil for very little; Christian Grey is the antidote to that, the guy who shows up, basically kidnaps you, and smothers you in a life of riches for which the only thing you must do in return is give up. Having someone else decide on your job, your car, your possessions and clothes, where you’ll live, what you’ll eat and when, whether you’ll take birth control (lol: obviously not), when you’ll see your friends and family plus when and how you’ll orgasm - what women tried to escape for generations is suddenly the dream for many of us - not because of any new political ideology, but because we’re beyond tired. Women, like men, are now crushed in a neverending cycle of bs, underpaid jobs, and are apparently fed up enough in taking responsibility for anything that not only romance and ‘superhuman’ characters are booming, but a very specific kind of subset of that: essentially, slave fics. 

Just give up your agency, and you’ll be taken care of and cherished - forever.

I understand a kink is not the same as your actual political opinion, but still - I’m not enthusiastic about this trend, and I’m even less enthusiastic when it gobbles up young women who haven’t had time to experience real life relationships.)

No, I think that in the end, the answer is - if you reverse the rotting of society, automatically - statistically - you’ll get healthier artists and a healthier audience. So, really, the fight is always the same: better paid jobs, better (and free) schools, more opportunities for continued education of any kind, more democracy and transparency, more green spaces and better living conditions.

2) Is censorship ever a good idea?

Sadly, no. You’d think the logical conclusion of what I just said would be, ‘In the meantime, let’s ban the most dangerous stuff’ or something, and while part of me is tempted to support that, censorship has a way of ending very badly no matter how good and noble your intentions are.

(Self-censorship should be more of a thing, though: not everything that goes through our minds deserves to be seen and shared.)

What sucks at the moment is that on the one hand, capitalism is operating its own censorship; and on the other, its desperate search for new markets has led to a disastrous disintegration of actual human interactions.

So, problem one is that we only publish and market what makes a lot of money, and while that’s normal, to an extent, the result today is that everything is ‘almost the same’ as the previous thing (think sequels, prequels, remakes, obnoxious book covers for books that are basically all the same). So if ‘asshole boyfriend who beats you up’ suddenly makes money, it becomes very hard to escape the trope, because what will be offered to you everywhere is exactly that. This was less of a thing back when our main sources of entertainment were shared (movie theaters, the one family TV, school libraries and so on); now, it’s an epidemic, and as we see with Youtube algorithms, a dangerous one, because this obsession with watching and rewatching ‘almost the same’ inevitably leads to more and more extreme stuff.

Meanwhile, problem two is that the more tailor-made our entertainment is, the less we connect to real people. I know I sound about 90 here, but when all family members are glued to a different screen - mom watching the 50th remake of Eat, Pray, Love, dad down the rabbithole of lizard conspiracy theories, big brother now exploring some milk&peanut butter weirdness on Youporn and younger sister 30 fics deep into Stucky high school AUs - what do they have in common? What do they talk about? What can they even learn from each other? Until recently, and for aeons, fiction was shared, and its primary goal was to form a connection between group members. Now, that’s gone. We destroyed it, without even realizing what we were doing, in the space of twenty years. And yeah - I know you can create new communities, but a) these communities are virtual (which means, for the most part: not real) and b) they tend to connect like with like, which is comforting, perhaps, but not very useful. The whole point here is that we need to learn how to feel empathy and trust for those who’re different, and build a community with them - instead, what the internet is doing is isolating us inside our little bubbles, so much so that any minor disagreement is now seen as good reason to break off contact.

Censorship, however, doesn’t solve any of this. For starters, we need more regulation on how big corporations can get, what social media companies can and can’t do and who can access what kind of material. And it’d be great if we could all unplug a little, but uh - fat chance of that.

3) Is the romance genre okay?

Again, just my opinion, but personally, I mistrust it. There are no romance books for men? Instead, books for men feature a Main Character doing stuff and improving himself while accidentally meeting a Sexy Lamp he can go home to at the end of the story. And, well, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but isn’t this a healthier way to look at life? While good relationships are very meaningful (or even the most meaningful) part of any human life, if your goal is to get them, they won’t grow right. You shouldn’t be hyperfocused on finding love; I think it’s much better to be like Main Character: you work on your drawing skills, try a new sport, read poetry, defeat evil Russians, thus developing inner happiness and self-confidence, thus leading you towards towards a partner who’ll fall in love with who you are - not a partner who was looking for some empty shell to fill with their own expectations and preferences.

And I know - romance books and movies are full of exciting non-romantic events and stuff - but still, the fact they’re classified and intended as romance does imply that finding a romantic partner is the ultimate goal. Which, I don’t know, I don’t think it’s healthy, and is a particularly inappropriate message for young women. After all, why is it okay that young men are encouraged to go on ghost hunts, study dinosaurs and save the world while young women are taught to wait around for a broken (possibly violent, but it’s not his fault) bad boy only they can fix? It’s messed up, is what it is, and I may be extreme here, but even the tamest, sweetest romance revolves around the same message: that you’re not complete on your own, and that you should focus on relationships as a way to become a better, happier human being. 

Now, as much as I love this quote -

“It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.” — Oscar Wilde

- obviously there’s no direct cause-and-effect here - you don’t read one book and become a mindless Stepford wife - so I’m not saying, ‘no one should read romance ever’. It’s just - as I said in that other post, we should all enjoy diverse stuff. Read your romance novels, but also read the classics, read some philosophy, a random poem, a badly-written thriller - read Stephen King, read how the OED was written, or a Wikipedia article on the French resistance - anything and everything. Because of capitalism, because of this push towards personalized entertainment, we’re being forced and pigeonholing ourselves in smaller and smaller cages, and the worst thing is - we’re comfortable inside them, because this is the awful truth: cages are comfortable, and that’s why we need to get out before we forget what cages are for.

[As a final point: you say ‘if we wrote’, does it mean you’re an aspiring writer? If so, you shouldn’t worry about any of this. You write what you want, you write the stories you want to read. Just remember to get out of your cage as well - experience, discover, grow, read, dare - and then put all that into your books. I’m sure they’ll be great, whatever your favourite genre.]

[thepoetoaster]

POSSESSED

Baltimore, Maryland October 2019

Chapter 1.

The rain was sobbing uncontrollably and inside I felt the same. Everything was grey and bleak except for the colorful neon screensaver of my phone that lit up every time Matt texted me.  I never meant to become reduced to this state of sadness, loneliness and despair.

But every time I stepped outside the revolving door of the hotel I was living in, whatever energy reserves and hope I had mustered up in my solitude rapidly depleted and I felt like throwing myself into the harbor. Not that I ever would, but looking around at the society which I became increasingly more isolated from, that was how I felt.

My name is Michaela. I’m 28 and work as an investment advisor for a prestigious bank over the internet. That’s my daytime personality, anyways. The way I pay the bills. Deep inside I know I am an artist, a spiritualist, but that part of me only comes out in very rare circles.

It seems as if my life is always separated by a sense of polarizing contrast, eternally opposing forces. There is the daytime version of myself I show to the world; successful, smart, kind. There is a hidden part that is much more sinister. I feel a sense of cynical animosity towards the human race and society regularly. I express this through the art I never show anyone except my friends on the Other Side.

Yes, I am a spiritual medium, although not professionally.  It started in my childhood when I realized I was not like the other children.  While they played kickball and dolls, I wandered into the woods alone, talking to my imaginary friends who I later realized were so much more than imaginary.  How did I know this?

Well, sometimes they told me things that they knew about this life - things that I nor any mortal would have anyway of knowing if not for some supernatural power intervening. And their words always turned out to be true, so I learned to trust the voices in my head that were so much more than just voices.

And what great friends they were! I found the spirits kinder, wiser, and more understanding than the mortals who were caught up in trivial things like gossiping and sports. Most of them, anyways. There were the rare beings I became close with that always kept my head above the Earth somehow.  Always the eccentrics, the strange ones. They were the only ones I found interesting, who improved upon the sweet stillness of my solitude.

One such person was my friend and lover, Matt. Although lately, I must say the relationship has been leaning more towards friendship — the romantic parts of our life are rather complicated. For starters, he’s been married to another woman for years, although their relationship is turbulent and he’s very quick to come to me for comfort when things don’t go his way.

But oh, how I adore him! He is dark, mysterious, intelligent, not to mention handsome.  He is one of the few people on this Earth that I connect with and we have an explosive chemistry. But I always get the sense that there’s something missing between us, that there’s something that’s just not right. I can’t stand the fact that he always chooses his wife over me, like I’m some kind of afterthought and not worth the same love and attention as she is. But I tolerate it, because I have I no one else — and look forward to his text correspondences vehemently, as he is a light in my dark, oftentimes seemingly hopeless world.

In the present, I’m sitting in the armchair in my hotel room that overlooks the city streets, drinking hot ginger and lemon tea while reading “Favorite Poems of Emily Dickinson”. I’m waiting for Matt to text back, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t hear from him until 2 in the morning, at which point I will be fast asleep.

I prefer hotel living for many reasons. Mainly, I can never seem to make myself settle down in any one place. My work as an investment banker is done mainly over the internet except for the rare face-to-face meetings with customers and company business trips.  So when I’m not working, you could say I’m something of a vagabond, always traveling from city to city, making my home wherever the wind takes me.

I love the cleanliness and orderliness of hotel living; the permanently fresh sheets, the modern decorations, the shampoo and conditioner samples. It reminds me of a comforting time in my rather difficult childhood, in which a house fire forced my family into staying at a Holiday Inn for several weeks. I relished the experience, sharing a room with my twin brother, and have very fond memories of continental breakfasts and jumping from bed to bed, pretending the floor is hot lava.

In my current room there was a portrait of a lovely, hefty singer perched above the desk where I do my work. I suddenly wished I had her life and started to feel very lonely all of a sudden, looking out my window at all the people walking down below, in groups of friends or with a romantic partner. Although I despised the society, at times I felt almost envious of the way others seemed to fit in and find their place so easily. I was forever a misfit, alone in a universe of my own making with no one there to listen to my innermost thoughts.

Except for the spirits, that is.

I grew weary of the feeling and reached for my Ouija board to see who was available to talk. Normally it was one of my main 3 friends - Claire, Stephen or Sharon.  We did have other visitors come through at times, however.  Today was one of those times.

I took the board out of the box, put it on my lap, and when I placed my fingers on the planchette it started moving almost immediately to spell out the words “HELLO LOVE”.

“Well, hello love to you to,” I said, “and who may I ask am I speaking with?”

“DAMIAN,” it said.

“Hi Damian! I’m Michaela,”

“I KNOW,” he said, “SILENT MODE”

“What?” I replied, and at that moment I received a text from Matt.

“NEXT,” said Damian, “HE’S A FUCKBOY,”

“Um, I’m sorry? Matt and I are very close friends,” I said, although he did have a point.

“NEXT,” he repeated, then “PICK ME INSTEAD.”

And against my will I felt a warm sensation rising up from my stomach to my chest to my cheeks.

That very same moment, there was a loud knock on the door. “Housekeeping!”

“Oh, okay! One moment,” I responded, suddenly needing some air.  I put the board back in the box and slid it under the mattress before quickly slipping on my my shoes and raincoat for a stroll through the gloomy Baltimore streets.

“What r u doing?” The text from Matt read.

“Going for a walk - hbu?” I responded

“Let’s meet at Gangster Vegan,” he said, and I replied with an “OK - see you in 10” and began the journey by foot through the harbor and into historic Federal Hill.

The whole time I was walking, I couldn’t shake the feeling of Damian’s presence. In fact, I could have sworn I felt fingers lovingly grazing the back of my neck; a light whisper in my ear.

When I got to to the all natural vegan eatery, Matt was unsurprisingly yelling at the cashier.

“What do you mean you don’t carry Spirulina!? What kind of establishment is this?!” The poor cashier gave me a look of utter desperation and I took that as my cue to jump in.  

“Matt! Oh, darling, it’s so good to see you!” He turned around and the anger on his faced appeared to soften, but only a fraction.

“Oh, Michaela, what a relief to see someone with half a brain,” he snapped, turning around to give the cashier a dirty look, who looked thoroughly annoyed.

“Okay, let’s get out of here…,” I replied and we started walking through the city streets that were lit up by neon lights.

Before I could even begin to strike up a conversation, Matt suddenly stopped walking on the sidewalk to read a text message from his wife, Cindy.  “GOD DAMN IT!” He shrieked.

“What is it?”

“THAT BITCH!” He dramatically kicked a fire hydrant, stubbing his toe in the process.

What is wrong with him? I heard a voice clearly whisper in my head.

“HOW DARE SHE!”

“Are you okay, Matt?”

“NO, I AM NOT OKAY!” By this point everyone else on the street had their heads craned to witness the spectacle that was his meltdown.

“Deep breaths, Matt…”

“It’s Cindy,” we started walking again by the harbor, “we were supposed to meet at her apartment later tonight,”

I thought he was coming home with you? The voice whispered.

“I thought you were coming back to the hotel with me?” I said

“Michaela,” he said and turned to me, “you know I love you as a dear friend, but Cindy is my wife. And we were supposed to meet tonight, and she canceled on me because she HAS PLANS WITH HER FRIENDS.” He looked exasperated. I just stared and looked at him silently, not knowing how to reply.

“Well… maybe she really does have plans with her friends?”

“Oh no, Mickey. No. She’s fucking some other guy. I just know it.”

The hypocrisy is unbelievable! The voice said.

“Umm… well, maybe you should just let it go! We can have a great night back at my place…”

“I don’t think so. I’m gonna let this whore have a piece of my mind.”

At that moment, his phone mysteriously flew out of his hands and into the harbor.

And I heard that voice laughing in my head.

By that time, we were almost back at the hotel.  Matt was just staring there in shock, and I felt similarly. Then he fell to his knees and started sobbing uncontrollably.

“JUST GO, MICKEY…”

I silently obliged and walked back to my room, suddenly drained by Matt and his shenanigans. As my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep almost immediately. In that brief state between wakefulness and dreams I swore I felt Damian’s arms around me.

Chapter 2.

I woke up early, around 6:30AM, to the sound of my phone ringing - it was an unknown caller.

“Hello?” I answered groggily.

“Hello, Baltimore Police. Is this Michaela Young?”

“Yes,” I replied, a wave of worry washing over me, “what is it?”

“It’s about Matthew Gregory. He was found dead in the harbor last night.”  

A wave of shock and disbelief washed over me and I heard that voice in my head, laughing maniacally.

“Oh my god,” I said, speechless.

“We’re going to need you to come down to the station immediately,”

After I got back from the station, I collapsed on my bed, emotionally exhausted. I decided to turn to my ouija board for comfort from my friends from the spirit world.

HELLO, MY LOVE, the board spelled out almost instantly.

“Is this Claire?” I asked.

DAMIAN, it spelled. I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU.

“I’m very upset, Damian. My friend and lover Matt was found dead in the river this morning. They ruled it as a suicide but I’m not so sure. He was erratic but I don’t think he was suicidal.”

I’M SURE HIS WIFE IS UPSET, he said sarcastically.

By this point tears were streaming down my face. “That doesn’t help!” MATT DIDN’T KNOW YOU, he said, NOT LIKE I DO.

“What do you know about me?” A small gleam of hope flickered in my heart like a lighter. Was it possible that there was an entity in this universe that was capable of understanding me?

This is easier, said the voice I thought I had been imagining before.

I know much about you, Michaela…

“Like what?” I asked.

You’re a financial advisor by day, but it’s slowly eating away at your soul.  You’re an artist - deep down, you know it, I know it. And. You’re also a witch.

“Go on,” I said, my heart beating quicker at this point.

You didn’t have things easy growing up - dysfunctional family dynamics, absent father, and a string of abusive relationships as you got older.

My heart was pounding rapidly at this point.

“How do you know all this about me, Damian?”

I know a lot about you, Michaela. That’s all you need to know. I am capable of loving you in ways no mortal could ever fathom.  All you need do is surrender to me.

“I’m not in a place to surrender to anyone right now, Damian. My lover just threw himself into the harbor.”

Understandable, he said.  Well you just rest up, my love, and I’m sure things will work out for the best.

“Okay,” I said, and fell asleep with the energy of Damian’s love surrounding me.

Chapter 3.

At work the next day I was unable to focus on anything. I was midway through my lunch break when I heard Damian say, what do you say we leave this place tomorrow, my love?

“For where?” I asked.

Morocco, he said. I want to show you the way the sand dunes look in the desert when the sun rises. I want to show you the architecture, the culture, the food.  

I suddenly felt excited at the idea - running away with this entity - leaving my past behind. It felt like a scene out of a fairy tale - only real.

Next thing I knew, Damian was singing “Come Fly with Me,” by Frank Sinatra in my head and I burst out laughing, overflowing with joy and feeling lucky that I had finally found someone who understood me, who eased the loneliness within me, who reminded me of what it was to laugh.

You’re very beautiful, you know, he said in a drawling, seductive voice.

“Save it for Morocco,” I said playfully, my heart feeling like a hot air balloon.

Before I knew it, we were on a plane together, falling for each other quicker by the minute. Well, I was on a plane, you have to remember.  Damian was a nonphysical entity, which made our relationship - strange, you could say, to put things mildly.

But I had never been one for normalcy to begin with.  In fact, it was my personal philosophy to shun anything that would be considered mildly normal by society’s standards.

And so our love took off the same way as the airplane.

When we arrived in Morocco, we spent long evenings under the desert sky, numbering the stars in the milky way, soaking up the serenity of the sand dunes. During the days we toured the city of Marrakesh, basking in the colors, the architecture, the geometric patterns on the walls. The culture was fascinating to me but more fascinating was Damian.

He told me of his life in the underworld and I was amazed at how much we had in common with one another. I grew to believe that there was some kind of mystical force pulling us together, and we could consciously resist it all we wanted, but no matter what that eternal longing would pull us back into each other’s reality, one way or another.

It was the romance of a lifetime.  

———-

That’s the way things always start out, don’t they? For all of the eternal longing that existed between us, there was no denying that we didn’t always agree on everything. Just normal couple things, right?

But nevertheless, I wanted no one else. No other entity. I had finally found someone who understood the very depths of my soul; that’s not something I could ever let go of easily. And let go was something I never wanted to happen; of this I made Damian aware.

“What are the options for our future, Damian?” You can let me possess you, he whispered seductively in my ear.

I laughed and said, “What, you don’t think I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that’s not a good idea?”

I’m not like other demons, he said convincingly.

“You are rather sweet for a demon,” I said, laughing.

It’s decided, then. Let’s go somewhere special to make it happen.

“Where were you thinking?”

You decide.

“I’ll have to think about it and get back to you.

Absolutely, my love.

And with that he vanished into the night before I had a chance to say another word and I was left alone, once more.

————

My stomach was lurching at the thought of being possessed by Damian.  Just the normal cold feet experience, right?  Why should I be worried? He’s most certainly unlike any entity I’ve ever encountered before.  Knowing, powerful, kind, intelligent…and that’s the thing you’re supposed to do when you’re my age right? Submit and allow yourself to be possessed.

I had always shirked away from the idea of marriage for just that reason. I didn’t want to ever belong to anyone except myself and the universe. The idea of being some man’s “property” made me want to vomit.  Changing your last name to his to totally seal the deal. The patriarchy was something I’ve always rebelled against, so why was I questioning whether or not I wanted to be possessed by Damian?

Loneliness. I was aching inside and needed someone to fill that emptiness within me. Someone who understood me.  No human man had ever truly understood me before. I hardly even understood me. I rarely took the time to understand myself with how busy I was with my work and traveling, always running from something, it seems. Running from my past, from myself.

But as it turns out, they’re right when they say everywhere you go take yourself with you.

And take myself with me I did indeed, to Malibu, with Damian.  For our wedding — or rather, Possession — day.

——————

Chapter 4.

The warm pink sunset cast a dreamy glow over the pacific ocean as Damian and I stood on the shore together.

“So - how exactly do we go about this? I don’t exactly think you could find a priest would would willingly perform a possession,”

Relax, my darling, my bride, Damian said. All you have to do is surrender to me.

And without giving it another thought, I sat down on the white sand cross legged, and closed my eyes.

The next thing I knew I was in my mind, but I was not alone. There was another presence there.

Wow, the sunset sure looks beautiful through your eyes, said Damian.

“Yeah, it does,” I said, happy that I could share this moment with someone else.

We sat there together for awhile, celebrating our oneness. Basking in the blissful sensation of belonging to another. I thought my heart would explode from joy.

As the sun went down and the stars began to come out, Damian asked if I wanted to go to Hawaii for our “honeymoon”, and I obliged, in a dreamy, romantic trance.

————-

Palm trees. Crystal clear waters. Long days and slow nights spent wrapped up in Damian. Listening to his tales of the underworld.

Our love grew deeper in those weeks than it ever had before. It’s hard to express the feelings of deep spiritual oneness that we shared. There really are no words for it, except sinking deep into an ocean of pure peace and love that washes over you and makes you feel that everything’s alright, that everything’s happening exactly as it should.

—————

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Like all good things, the honeymoon eventually did end as my work beckoned me once more.  Damian did not like when I had to work.  Even though he was right there with me the whole time, it upset him that I was unable to give him my full attention, even for a second.

“Oh, stop acting like a child,” I said teasingly. “You know I’m all yours and you’ll have every ounce of my attention once I’m finished with my work,”

Yes, darling, he said.  But sometimes I wish you would let me take care of you, so you wouldn’t have to put such strain on yourself.

“You know I love working, Damian,” I said, although it wasn’t fully true. “It gives me a sense of purpose and allows me to be independent and free in this world.”  That much was true, at least.

Does it really, though? Aren’t there other passions, other goals you would rather be working towards?

“Well you know I would rather be an artist, but that’s not a very fiscally responsible thing for me to do at this point in my life,” I said.

Let me take care of you, he said again, and then I didn’t hear from him for a while.

———-

The next day, however, I got a phone call from my boss.  

“Michaela, this is your boss, Mr. Richard Wadd. I must inform you that I’m letting you go from the company.  I don’t really have a good reason, other than the fact that my fragile male ego is threatened by your superior intelligence, and I’m the one in power, so there’s nothing you can do about it. Goodbye.”

Damian was very quick to comfort me.

You know, love, there are certain benefits to having a demon as a spouse, he said.

“Oh do share,” I said, needing comfort now more than ever.

Close your eyes, he whispered, and as I did I began to receive visions; information, otherworldly knowledge, flashes of events.

Do you want me to take care of your boss for you? He said.

In my fuming, trance-like stupor, I nodded half-heartedly.

Good, he said. It is done.  

——————

For the second time in the past year I was awoken to the sound of the police calling, beckoning me down to the station. My boss had been murdered, and they had evidence of my fingerprints at the crime scene.

I felt myself go white.  There’s no way I was capable of murdering my boss.  Sure I had fantasized about it as many do, but now he was dead and they had evidence linking me to the crime.  Where was Damian? He was oddly silent this morning; I hadn’t heard a peep from him since last night.

“Damian,” I pleaded, “Damian, are you there?”

Nothing.

I felt sick and needed a minute to catch a breather before heading to the police station.  That’s when the visions started and it came back to me.

I was walking through Spruce Street Harbor Park, but it was more Damian than me. In fact, it was all Damian. I was barely there except as a witness observing my own body moving without my control.

The door to the apartment of my boss’ row house was locked, but somehow I had a supernatural strength that was able to twist the doorknob right off the handle.

The only thing I remember after that was a blur of screaming, blood, me begging Damian to stop, and my boss begging for his life.

————————-

“How could you, Damian?” I said, shaking.

It needed to be done.  Now, let’s leave town before the police catch us!

“You’re insane! You literally murdered my boss!”

That’s where you’re wrong, my love… WE murdered your boss. And as far as the police know, YOU murdered your boss.  

“DAMIAN-,” I screamed, but it was futile.  Next thing I knew I felt very dizzy all of a sudden and collapsed onto my bed as if I was black out drunk.

——————-

Everything was black for a very long time, and I had no consciousness of anything except an unending void of nothingness. I had an awareness that I was not in my body, and was very possibly dead.

Then everything turned light, and I was speeding through a vortex.

Ah, a tunnel of light! I thought. I really am dead!

Well, this isn’t so bad, I thought, as I sped along.  There was no more pain, no more drudgery of existence, no more, oh, what was his name… Damian!

As soon as I thought of him, the speeding stopped and I was in what appeared to be an endless meadow, with fields of swaying poppies of all different colors.  It felt surreal and dreamlike, and there was a total sense of peace that washed over everything.

As I was taking it all in, a being of light started to approach me from a distance. I felt a total sense of unconditional love emanating from her.

“Michaela,” said the being, who I figured must have been an angel as I saw her jewel encrusted wings swaying back and forth, “you have made a terrible mistake in allowing Damian possess you.”

“Who are you?” I wondered out loud,

“I am Cassiel, your guardian Angel.  And we are here because you are in grave danger.” “I guess letting myself be possessed by a demon wasn’t such a bright idea after all.”

“No kidding!” She said, then laughed lightly, clearly trying to evade hurting my feelings.

But then she gazed into my eyes with a deep understanding and compassion, as if she could see straight through my soul and knew me better than I knew myself.

“You were lonely, lacking in self-love. You let your demons from your past overcome you.  But it’s okay now, because I’m here to help.  I’m going to show you how to reclaim your inner light and overcome Damian.”

“I killed someone, Cassiel,” I said, tears streaming down my face.

“No, Damian did it.  And that will be taken care of. You must see now that there is so much in God’s hands - so much going on behind the scenes that you are unaware of.  But we ultimately have your back.  Your angels, your spirit guides, Source, the entire universe is secretly conspiring in your favor.”

“I don’t understand how they could allow all of this to happen to me then, Cassiel,”

“Michaela,” she said softly, “everyone has free will and must answer for the consequences of their actions. Karma catches up with everyone.  But ultimately, everyone is forgiven for their deeds after they have worked through their karma and regained memory of their divinity.”

“So what happens next?”

“You’re going to be sent back to your body.  By this point, Damian’s strength will make it hard for you to let go of his possession.  But you must not give up or lose faith, Michaela. There is a light within you that is stronger than any force of evil that has ever been.  And that’s the force of self-love. You must see that you are worthy and that love never leaves you, even when you are on your own.”

“That’s something that I’ve always struggled with.” “I know. And you are certainly not the only one.  So many, if not all of your species’ problems are rooted in this lack of love.  But it is infinite and existing everywhere, if only you will open your heart and allow yourself to tap into it.”

“So what does that have to do with exorcising Damian?”

“Allow the light to possess you instead,” she said, and with that, everything went black again.

————————

When I regained consciousness and flew back in my body once more, I was seated on an airplane next to the window, with a cocktail and an upscale looking meal in front of me.

Welcome back, my love, Damian said.

“Hi,” I said, in a fog.

Your dinner is waiting for you.

“Nice!” I said warily, “Where are we going?”

My dear, he said, we are bound for Paris. We are going to start a new life, you and me.

“A clean break!” Being powerless, I was just going along with him at this point.

Yes, he said, and laughed lightly

Once we touched down in Paris, I felt a renewed sense of hope and vigor. Because of the possession, I was able to fluently speak French. I had been here before when I was younger once, when the past that haunted me now was more of a present, everyday reality. I wanted to think that I was in a better place now, but given the fact that I was possessed by a literal demon, it was hard to say.

Now Michaela, my love, said Damian, while we are here, I will have some commitments to attend to in the underworld. I trust that you will be able to manage for several days at a time without me.

“I will do my best,” I said, like the dutiful wife I was pretending to be.

I know you need me, and are nothing without me except a lonely, blubbering mess.

“Okay,” I said. What an ass. “Can’t wait until you get back!”

———————-

With Damian gone, I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

I spent long afternoon strolling through ancient cobblestone streets and evenings sitting on terraces, drinking wine and people watching. As I rode the metro and wandered in and out of several boutiques, an awareness started to wash over me.

And that was this feeling of total contentedness and peace - with just me, on my own.  No more loneliness, no more aching inside.  It felt as if I had a clean slate, a barren soil that was fertile enough to foster my growing sense of self-love and independence.

I met some very interesting people.  One afternoon as I was strolling alongside the Seine I saw a painter and was inspired by his lifestyle. He made ends meet by waiting tables at night and spent of the rest of his time devoting his life to art.

There were some people who were in a much worse state. Many homeless people and I saw myself in them.  My heart reached out to the invisible who had demons of their own they had yet to overcome and I wanted nothing more to help them.

I was exploring Notre Dame cathedral when Damian finally returned.

What are you doing here? His voice sounded very sinister.

“Sightseeing,” I replied casually.

Get out of this building at once, he hissed.

Apparently I didn’t have a say in the matter as my feet began to move on their own.

What do you say we have a picnic in the park underneath the Eiffel Tower, ma cherie?

The thought made me queasy but I agreed.

As we were sitting underneath the Eiffel Tower, there was an awkward pause.

You’re awfully quiet, Michaela.

“Sorry, I’m just soaking it all in. The twinkling lights, this lovely picnic you’ve prepared - it’s every girl’s dream!” And as I was saying it, I realized a part of me still meant it.  After all the progress I’d made on my own, I realized I was lucky to be sharing this moment with another entity, even if he was a demon.

Yes, my love, he said. And there will be many more such moments to come. I’m never letting you go!

That made me feel nauseous and I seemed to snapped out of it a bit.

“Damian, I don’t know about that. We killed someone! We can’t keep running from that forever.”

I could feel his temper starting to rise.

So what are you suggesting, Mickey? Turning ourselves into the police? They’ll never believe you. They’ll think you’re insane if you tell them the truth. And you’ll be locked behind bars for the rest of your life. I’m your only hope at a good life.

After he said that, something within me started to fall apart at the seams. I was no longer sure of myself, sure of where I began and where Damian ended. I felt so controlled and like I had no way out of this relationship. I could only go along with it and hope for the best.

I remembered what the angel Cassiel told me and wondered whether what she said was true or not.  Something within me told me her words rang true. Suddenly I had a very strong urge to expunge Damian and everything about him from my being. I needed an exorcist, a priest, but although I had a strong sense of spirituality I was not a religious person and didn’t think going to one would work. No, something within me knew the answer. And I knew I could wait no longer to rid myself of this demon forever.

But I needed evidence of Damian’s murder. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life behind bars for a crime I did not commit. He was right in saying that no one would ever believe me. I needed proof that I was truly possessed by a demon.

And that was how I found myself at the PIOP, or Paranormal Investigators of Paris.

———

Of course, I had to wait until Damian was away at work for several days in the underworld. The PIOP referred me to a renowned shaman who performed exorcisms at Notre Dame Cathedral. I corresponded to the shaman via email and told her about my case.  She said it sounded like a doozy alright, and that I should think of a way to trick Damian into planning a date at the cathedral where the exorcism could be performed.

That night when Damian returned, I turned on the charm and told him I had a special date planned for us tonight in Paris. He was exhilarated about it! First we went out to a fancy vegan restaurant for one final goodbye dinner.  For the first time he opened up to me about some of his experiences in Hell.

So I said to him, in Lucifer’s name, you musn’t use that torture device! It’s from the 18th century.  We’re so much more humane than that now. Get the Tiger Bench.

“My woke demon,” I said, Damian too wrapped up in his story to catch the sarcasm.

As he rambled on about his day in literal Hell, I wondered once more how I had ever let myself get in this situation. Sure, I had trauma from my past. Dysfunctional family. I remember growing up my mom would throw dishes at our heads when she was in one of her rages. Absent father. A string of loser boyfriends who treated me like nothing. I wanted so badly to be loved and understood that I was willing to settle for anyone giving me any attention, filling the place that was supposed to be occupied by my father. And of course, the mental health issues that plagued me from perpetually feeling like an outsider in this society. It’s no wonder I let myself become possessed by a demon.

But no more, I decided in that instant. I was healing and had gotten to a place where I didn’t need anyone’s love except my own. Everyday was a chance to start over, to pursue my dreams and visions, to become someone great.  And to become that person, I needed to let go of my past. I needed to let go of my demons.

I needed to let go of Damian.

After the waiter brought us the check, and Damian was still rambling about his day, I said, “Hey, D, sorry to interrupt your story,” yeah, so sorry, “but there’s something I really wanted to check out at the Notre Dame Cathedral. I know you have an aversion to that place, and churches in general, but it will only be for a moment.”

Damian paused his story abruptly. If demons had hackles, you could almost feel his being raised.

Michaela, he said in a seething tone, I would really we rather not. Couldn’t we go to the catacombs instead?

“Oh, it will only be for a minute, sweetie,” I said, “I want to see the home of Quasimodo. And I know how much you love the song ‘Hellfire’!”

He seemed like he was starting to warm up to the idea.

Yes, that is one of my favorites, he said, and preceded to burst into song. You can be the Esmerelda to my Frodo!

Too far, I thought. “Okay, that’s enough!” I said, and we both laughed. There were some parts of being possessed by him I was going to miss, which is why what I was about to do wasn’t going to be easy.

But it wasn’t enough to stop me — us — from riding the metro to the Notre Dame Cathedral.

For the final time.

Chapter 5. When we walked inside, I was amazed once more by the stunning architecture of the cathedral.  But even my amazement at the light shining through the stained glass couldn’t stop the nervousness creeping up in within me for the act we were about to undergo.

I could feel Damian’s discomfort and itchiness to leave. Can we go now? He hissed. “Of course,” I said assuredly, “but first I want to see the gargoyles.”

Damian let out a roar of rage but agreed, very reluctantly.

As we were climbing the spiral stairs up to the top of the tower, there was a hidden door  where I knew the shaman would be waiting, with camcorders from the PIOP to capture video evidence that I was truly possessed and shouldn’t be held responsible for my boss’ murder.  The shaman would also be able to testify as a witness.

“Oh, look, Damian, a hidden passageway!”

We ducked through the door and the shaman quickly slammed it shut.

NO! He screamed. YOU BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!

But it was too late for Damian. I lied down on the gurney and as I was strapped to the table, Damian started thrashing and wailing about. The shaman starting waving her arms and reciting latin incantations and I started reciting a few affirmations of my own:

“I am enough. I am whole. I am loved and lovable, without or without you.  I am enough. I am whole…” and as I repeated these words, I felt an immense, golden light rising up from within me, covering my aura and I knew that Damian and all the demons from my past could no longer energetically occupy the same space as this light.

And before I knew it, it was all over.

———————

Things were different after that. I was determined to make it as an artist, even it it meant taking a pay cut.  Being possessed by Damian taught me a lot, and I truly began to understood what Cassiel meant when she said that everything is happening in divine order, for our highest good.

For the time being I was working in a bar in Buffalo, NY, renting a small house and working on building my dreams during the day.  I still had enough saved from my previous role as an investment banker that I didn’t have anything financially to worry about for a while, but enjoyed spending my evenings at the bar.  It was funky and had a cool atmosphere that attracted a bohemian crowd.  During the day I worked on creating music and photography. I dreamed of one day being a speaker and sharing the experiences I had, and more importantly how I had overcome them.  I wanted to give back more than anything.

One night while I was working there was a very handsome musician playing at the open mic. He was very well mannered and we had an in depth, philosophical conversation about the nature of the universe. Before he left we exchanged contact information, and I had a good feeling about it, but I was in no hurry to rush into another relationship.

For now I was just enjoying my own company, fulfilling my passions, working towards turning my dreams into reality and making the world a better place.

For me, that was enough.

I was enough.

I had always been enough.

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: Anna K by Jenny Lee

I’ve noticed that there is currently a spawn of YA contemporaries that focus on socially elite teens and the crazy dramas that they find themselves in. Apparently these books are like crack to me, so I was delighted when I was approved for yet another one on NetGalley.

17-year-old Anna K is at the very top of NYC society. Her life revolves around her two prize-winning Newfoundlands, her fantastic grades and her perfect but dull boyfriend Alexander. Her Korean-American father couldn’t be more proud. However, Anna’s brother Steven and his girlfriend Lolly are embroiled in a sexting scandal. Lolly’s sister Kimmie is trying to piece her life back together after her ice dancing career comes to an end. Steven’s best friend Dustin is battling his unrequited love for Kimmie as well as trying to keep his family together. And amidst it all, Anna is harbouring a secret desire that if pursued could shake up her whole world.

I had no idea that this book was a take on Anna Karenina until the very end because I haven’t read it. The Russian classic has been on my ‘someday’ TBR for a long time but I’ve never found the time to truly dedicate to it. However, Lee’s new rendition has bumped the source material further up my list and I’m considering reading it over the coming months. Thinking back over the plot of Anna K, I can clearly see how it could resemble an epic 19th century romantic coming-of-age novel.  

There are several instances where the stark differences between how boys and girls are treated by society are explicitly pointed out. As more terrible things unfold, the contrast between the treatment of male and female parties of the same scandal reach truly shocking but completely believable levels. Of course, this is an issue that has been very prominent since the dawn of time and Lee does a great job of illustrating just how little has changed.  

I should probably add a disclaimer here. I’m not one to root for unfaithful partners or illicit relationships and this was the only real issue I had with the story. However, I fell in love with Vronsky’s love for Anna -if that makes sense! He notices every tiny detail about her face and the way she carries herself and I couldn’t help but be enthralled by it. 

I have no idea how realistic it is that a playboy like Vronsky would really think all of these things but he actually made me fall in love with her too! Before this point, I actually found Anna to be a bit of a cookie cutter perfect rich girl with not much about her. However Vronsky painted her in such a vivid and romantic way that I began to see her through his eyes and I warmed to her. She begins to realise how much more there is to the very small, mapped out life she had and I gained a lot of respect for her as a young contemporary woman.

Dustin and Steven’s friendship was one of my favourite aspects of the book. I love reading about mutually beneficial male friendships because it’s such a refreshing change from the cool guy and sidekick dynamic or the cold distant non-friendship that we’re so used to seeing between men. I also loved the realisation that at first, their lives seem so different but as the story goes on, it transpires that they actually have a lot in common. Both have uneasy relationships with their fathers, both have a little way to go in learning how to be with women and both are in need of a close reliable confidant which they find in each other. 

Kimmie’s story definitely produced a few tears and anger at the injustice of it all. Lee developed her character so well and I felt hugely protective of her. I shipped her with Dustin immensely and I was beside myself with desperation for them to get together. Kimmie’s narrative has many shades to it -at times very dark shades- and it was all dealt with in the healthiest, most hopeful of ways, which I have to congratulate Jenny Lee on.

Anna K is a true celebration of feminism in all its forms. Whether you’re a successful, independent Anna, a kind, forgiving Lolly or a fierce fighter like Kimmie, life will work out for you. Women are solely in charge of their own lives and their own destinies, no matter what role they choose to take. 

Despite there being a huge amount of tragedy, serious subject matter and enraging social issues, I finished Anna K feeling truly empowered as a young woman. There are a lot of characters to keep track of, which took some getting used to but they’re all so distinctive and well fleshed-out that it didn’t take long to figure everyone out. It has a touch of Crazy Rich Asians about it -not just in substance but in style too. I was back in the heady fug of the trials and tribulations of elite society that gives me much more satisfactory escapism than a lot of actual fantasy does nowadays. Now to crack open the Tolstoy, I guess!  

‘Love is not overrated or a waste of time.’

[xenophanatic]

In Depth Analysis of ‘Fatmagül'ün Suçu Ne?’

Romantic narratives usually hinge upon a love hurdle, hurdles which are the reasons the couple are not together and causes angst between them. Whether the hurdle or obstacle comes from rival families, social standing, or past actions. These stories are also seen as forbidden love. However, as years go by these particular hurdles seem trivia and writers are trying to up the ante. This gave way to new hurdles such as:

 I’m a human and you’re a vampire, werewolf, alien, robot, angel, fish or Cthulhu.

 I’m a cop, you’re a killer.

 And other questionable new hurdles of forbidden love.

 We may be siblings or related.

 I’m in love with my kidnapper

And there was a Pakistani show, Woh Aik Pak (That One Moment) in which the hero accidentally shot a guy and then leaves him for dead. He feels guilty and decided to marry dead guy’s widow and adopt their son, without her knowledge that he killed her late husband. It’s like a darker version of the American film Bounce. All these new hurdles are quite problematic. 

They are questionable as they put a romantic light on dark and real social issues - incest, abusive and manipulative relationships. So, it isn’t surprising that when I heard of the premise of a Turkish show, Fatmagül'ün Suçu Ne? (What is Fatmagul’s fault?), I refused to watch it.

 The premise was told to me as such:

Fatamgul is engaged to her childhood sweetheart Mustafa and is looking forward to their marriage. One night, four young men grab her and start to play around with her. They never think that the joke will turn into a rape at first. But later, they begin to rape her, one by one. The sun of her life is shadowed after that night; it's not only Fatmagul's body which was raped, but also her life. Mustafa breaks off their engagement and even worse - in order to save the honour of her family she is forced to marry one of the rapists.

So here the hurdle which they couple have to overcome is… marrying her rapist. Oh no. 

I never really critically thought about the impact of depicting rape or sexual violence on television before. Not until I heard that Hannibal’s showrunner Bryan Fuller had a ban on rape scenes in his procedural series.

To Enterment Weekly, Fuller stated,

“A character gets raped” is a very easy story to pitch for a drama. And it comes with a stable of tropes that are infrequently elevated dramatically, or emotionally. I find that it’s not necessarily thought through in the more common crime procedurals. You’re reduced to using shorthand, and I don’t think there can be a shorthand for that violation— it’s an incredibly personal and intimate betrayal of something that should be so positive and healthy. And it’s frequently so thinly explored because you don’t have the real estate in 42 minutes to dig deep into what it is to be a victim of rape.”

This had me look critically at the narratives and tropes that surround rape. Three I found interesting tropes that occur.

1)     The rape of a woman used to justify her own cruelty. I’ve seen this a lot in American show where they have a mature aged woman who is powerful, ruthless, and seen as antagonist to the younger female protagonist. However, it is revealed that the woman was raped in the past and her ruthlessness is caused by the rape.

2)     The rape is seen as a who dunnit, where characters that are not the victim are searching for the rapist. The rapist is usually revealed with a twist with it either being a relative or family friend. This is used for dramatic effect and shock value. The woman is either dead or in other ways incapacitated

3)     The rape of a woman is usually the Hero’s ‘call to adventure’ or catalyst for revenge. The woman is raped and it is the hero’s job to avenge her. The hero can either be a grieving father or mourning lover. This is done from Shakespeare’s play to the recent Bollywood film Kaabil. The women are presented as objects and motivation for the hero to extract revenge for his honour or seek justice for his lose, while the women are either dead or literally mutilated.  

This one is also semi-related to the trope of a man saving a woman from rape and her instantly forgetting the traumatic experience and giving herself to her rescuer as thank you. Again, this shows the woman’s lack of agency on her own sexuality and body.

Therefore, with the premise that I found of Fatmagul I was scared that the show will redeem the rapist and make him a likeable character who Fatmagul would fall for. I found out from other plot summaries that it turned out that her husband didn’t actually participate in the rape, but that had no effect on me. It would be like that Pakistani drama which the guy ‘accidentally killed’ the husband. He too would be a victim and absolved from his crimes.

There were so many reasons why I couldn’t stand a love story between these two characters. She was raped and forced to marry her rapist, even though it may not be the case in Turkey now, in some countries there are still the ‘marry your rapist’ law. The trauma of being ganged rape could not be overcome with love, especially if that love is coming from a man who was there when it happened.

Anyway, I tried to stay away from this show - just on principles - but then, hearing everyone raving about it and telling me to watch it, I gave in and watched the series and... I enjoyed it immensely and here is why.

1. The treatment of rape 

When television has a woman who has been raped, it is either to create drama or to provide a backstory of why she is the way she is. Narrative about rape, when done wrong, is contained in a single episode or storyline. However, ‘What’s Fatmagul’s fault’ does not consist of one episode about rape as the whole show is revolved around Fatmagül - how she is coping after being raped and her search for justice.

The rape scene itself is quite uncomfortable and unsettling, never going beyond into tantalising or sensationalising territory. During the first few episodes it seemed that each of the three rapists would be a representation of different motives of rape. Erdoğan, having been humiliated and emasculated by his family, he dominates over Fatmagul’s body as pathetic grasp for power. He rapes Fatmagul in an attempt to gain control and portray masculinity to overcome his lack of dominance in the business or powerless role in the family. Vural, is the last of the three to rape Fatmagul and is seemed to join in as part of a commodity of sort. The nature of gang rape is said to be a sadistic way the men bond and form commodity. Vural seems to be ashamed of his action during and after it is over. Vural is depicted though the series as a coward – who is unable to admit to his actions nor is able to overcome them. He’s constantly in a depression of his guilt, but is selfish and such a coward that he is unable to confess to his crime. However, this theory of mine could never live up to its potential. I couldn’t understand Selim and his character motivation. At first, he seemed to dislike committing to one woman, his fiancé, but then can’t stand the idea of losing her. I thought his violence towards Fatmagul was to do with his unwillingness to commit to one sexual partner or be dominated by a woman, but that wasn’t the case from his interaction with his fiancé and later wife after the rape. Erdoğan, who I assumed, after escaping punishment for raping Fatmagul, would continue to assault women in order to have some sort of dominance – but again that never come up and I disliked his romance with the doctor. It seemed like in the end, they could just blame it on drugs. The rapist could have been explored, but I guess they weren’t due to it not being their story nor a justification for their action. The story is about Fatmagul.

2. Fatmagul and her agency and growth.

Famagul, the character and the actress’s performance, were amazing. After her rape she wants justice and the support of her fiancé. After her fiancé rejects her and her family pressurise her to marry Kerim, she – releasing no one is supporting her, loses her trust on the justice system and accepts society’s dictation on what should happen to her. Every action Fatmagul made, I understood. From waiting for her fiancé Mustafa, to wanting to kill herself, to attempting to kill Kerim. Every action made sense.

What was important was Kerim wasn’t shown as her saviour. The series never claimed that Kerim’s love was what Fatmagul needed to be whole again. Nor was it a male figure that ignited venges or sense of self-preservation in her. It was a woman. Kerim’s sister aka Abla becomes a confident to Fatmagul. She doesn’t show much tells Fatmagul what to do, but let’s Fatmagul know she has options and opportunities. Abla introduces two concepts which are extremely important. Education and therapy.

Fatmagul completes her education, giving her opportunities to find employment, become a business owner, and later confidence to obtain a driving licence. This demonstrates Fatmagul’s agency and her ability to be self-sufficient. Abla also suggests therapy to Fatmagul, who at first reject it but later asks for help. I like that they didn’t force it on her and that Fatmagul actively sort out mental help. Even the obligatory make-over scene of the female character isn’t from the courtesy of the male character, but through the bond of Abla and Fatmagul. Women helping women. It was nice to see this in contrast to Fatmagul’s sister-in-law’s character. The saying that there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help women, it’s filled with people like her.

The thing I disliked was Fatmagul’s love for Mustafa after he rejected her. But the series did a good job explaining that she wasn’t yearning for him, but a life before she was raped. He represented a life she could have had. She was holding on to that idea, but let it go knowing that she could never go back to a time where that was possible. And later she rejects Mustafa when he pleads that he was mistaken and wants her back. She rightfully addresses that he should have believed her and that when she needed him the most, he made it about himself and left her.

I also like the relationship she has with Kerim. She rejects him at every corner – and I agree with her at every step of the way. He doesn’t leave the country and declares he loves her. I disliked him, just as she did for that. He buys them rings and gets happy when she wears it- but really, she wears it to avoid unwanted attention from men. Again, I rolled by eyes at him for being happy at that but loved that Abla was feeling the same and asked Kerim to give Fatmagul space. He sees her letting go of the scarf Mustafa gave her, as a sign that she is letting go of Mustafa. I just hated when he had hope that she would fall for him. Dude, she’s going through some shit. Again, loved that she corrected him stating that she let go of the scarf because it used to remind her of her love for Mustafa but now it’s the thing that his friends used to muffle her screams.

No matter what Kerim did, I could not root from him. He would keep telling Fatmagul that he is innocent and didn’t do anything, which I believe doesn’t change anything cos he was there when it happened. He drew the other men’s attention to her, he grabbed her first, and he didn’t stop it. He was part of the nightmare.

However, as the show went Kerim realised his part in the rape. Him confronting Mustafa and explaining the true events of that night. Saying that Fatmagul was raped by those men, and even though he didn’t rape her – he also didn’t stop it from happening. Kerim claims it’s the fault of those men and his fault. But it is not her fault. I loved this scene as Kerim was finally focusing the narrative on Fatmagul. As mentioned earlier, rape narrative on occasion focuses on the male character. His quest for vengeance or justice. Though I haven’t read it, apparently in the original novel the story was focused on Kerim and his struggles of marrying a victim of rape. Yeah… poor guy. Thankfully, the show doesn’t do that. Kerim in the first few episodes make it about him but later recognises that it is about Fatmagul and what she has gone through because of him.

There is a lovely scene, which I kind of wish was explored more. After Kerim confesses and tells the police about the night – he asks Fatmagul if she’s angry at him for filling in a report. Fatmagul denies it. And plainly states she’s angry at herself for not telling the police first and thereby making this his victory. 

Again, I liked this scene because Fatmagul addresses that she should have been the one to go to the police. She should have agency, instead Kerim took that and made it about him. What a poorer series would have made into an epic romantic gesture, ‘Fatmagül'ün Suçu Ne?’ questions and addresses the male discourses.

Though by the end, Fatmagul forgives Kerim – I was glad that she did after the audience was allowed to forgive him. I had forgiven and fell in love with Kerim before Fatmagul and that was crucial part of the series. And what I loved was that when Fatmagul’s harpy of sister-in-law wants to take credit for making Fatmagul marry Kerim, Fatmagul breaks down and reveals to Kerim’s half-sister that though she loves Kerim and her life with him, she would give it all up to go back before that night. She would rather never have known him than have been a victim of rape. It is a touching scene that reminds us that while Fatmagul is moving on with life; being a business owner, living in a nice house, and in love with Kerim, none of it is worth having what had happen to her.

3. Kerim and his search for redemption and forgiving himself.

Like I said before, it took a long while for me to like Kerim. Even by then end his tendency to lose his temper – due to the rapists - in front of Fatmagul annoyed the hell out of me. It is obvious that Fatmagul is uncomfortable with two things Kerim being angry and him drinking alcohol. So again, I wished this was address. Other than that, Kerim’s arch was well handed.

Though I was on Kerim’s side by the end of Season 1, it wasn’t until Season 2 that I truly liked him. In the first season we are given glimpses of Kerim’s past. After his father abandoned him, his mother committed suicide. Kerim was the one who found her body. This is why Kerim doesn’t want to abandon Fatmagul, as he doesn’t want to give the same pain his father did. He hates his father and refuses to read the letters he sends.

However, father and son reconnect. It is revealed that Kerim’s mother was in love with another man, but her family made her marry Kerim’s father. Even years after their marriage, she couldn’t forget her love. After giving birth to Kerim, the mother’s ex kills himself. Kerim’s father leaves the house, knowing that the mother can love no one ever again. Not being able to live in a world without her ex, she kills herself. This information informs Kerim’s growth as a character. He realises that he wasn’t enough for his mother and that she didn’t love him as much as her ex. Believing that Fatmagul is still in love with Mustafa and he is just someone she was forced to marry – Kerim identifies with his father and thinks that Fatmagul could never love him. He decided to let Fatmagul leave this force relationship.

I liked this as it was a change of character, as Kerim was always trying to make Fatmagul love him – he realised that he couldn’t force her feelings onto him. Fatmagul says she wants to work things out with him. This made their relationship an active choice of Fatmagul.

The knowledge of his past made Kerim a more self-aware character. Even though Fatmagul forgives him, he can’t. And I like that while Fatmagul wants to begin a relationship with him, he’s the one that is now haunted by the night of the rape.

Kerim also joins Fatmagul in her therapy sessions and two talk about their relationship and issues they have in themselves. And the show does a good job depicting the characters feelings towards physical intimacy.

There is a powerful scene where after Kerim and Fatmagul have their first kiss, they each go to their separate bedrooms. Fatmagul has a nightmare in which is on the bed in her wedding dress and Erdoğan and Selim are looking over her. Kerim is there also, and watches helplessly. Fatmagul silently screams for Kerim, but he doesn’t move as Erdoğan touches her wedding dress. She wakes up with a concern Kerim walking into her room, and she screams, frighted of him.

It is scenes like these that explore the characters’ fears and motivations that made Fatmagul a great show. However, there are some flaws with it. Like, I don’t care about rapist family business. I feel like every 20 episodes the business is bankrupt but nothing happiness. The patriarchy head yells about this rape affecting his business and how they are going to run their business. By the end, I just didn’t care anymore and skipped the scenes dealing with the families of the rapists. Erdoğan and Selim on the run was annoying and so was their romances with other women – especially after the women found out they were rapists. And the court case was filled with soap opera moments and rarely any actual legal stuff. Like a great example would be the Vurat parent testified that he was with them that night, but they weren’t even in the country at the time. But atlas half of the witness either die or are brought off.

I have to mention my favourite episode. The last episode. I could do a whole review of that episode, but for now I’ll keep it short. The episode cuts between the court case and the events of the day of the rape. As audience we get see scenes from Episode 1, old characters that have left or died, and additional scenes that flesh out character and give a final closure to their arcs. However, the best part is the ending of the flashback. We are taken back to the night of the rape, as Fatmagul goes to see Mustafa and Kerim spots her. However, he doesn’t draw attention to her. She sees them and continues on her way. The rape never occurs. This is a powerful scene, on of many. Kerim later on catches up with Fatmagul who has missed Mustafa’s boat. He talks to her but she rejects him and walks back home.

This seems to be a wishful ending of the flashback from Kerim and Fatmagul. Of how they wish that night had went. The ending alludes to Kerim maybe going to see her the next day and maybe in another world they would have met and fell in love without that night having to happen. 

Fatmagül'ün Suçu Ne? is an excellent show and has 80 episodes to explore characters and the aftermath of sexual violence. I give it 4/5. 

If you haven’t seen it, check it out - if you have, what did you think of it? 

[w3as3ly]

I have to get something off my chest.  I’ve been really depressed lately.  I feel so lost - like my dream has been shattered.  And now I do not have a dream to take its’ place.

I Will Not Yield 

November 17, 2018

24 years old

This time, a couple years ago, I was writing my personal statement for admission to medical school. Today, I am writing a personal statement as to why I will not be submitting an application to medical school. 

Before I turn my back on the industry that I thought I loved, I should first get my thoughts out. I feel that it is really quite important that I explain why the current state of health care infuriates me so. I am so distraught when looking for an alternate career. The job descriptions of these other options make me feel as though I am leaving behind a world that I do love for one that means very little to me. So I feel that it is very important for me to identify the notions of this field that I dislike, and identify the reasons that I find it so hard to part ways entirely. 

Being a physician would mean to speak only to the extent that I am allowed. To be owned by a particular organization, such as Health Care Partners. To read laboratory data that can interpret itself. To have a mind that is at the mercy of the advancement of artificial intelligence. But a computer can not use Platonic thinking. A computer can not identify what cannot be explained. Some things require intuition. Some things require love, compassion, and patience. Some of the greatest differences are made when a physician takes the time to educate their patient. And an interventional cardiologist certainly spends very little time counseling their patients on the importance of lifestyle changes. Because it is precisely the current state of our society’s lifestyle that is making an interventional cardiologist such a profitable position for a hospital. People would rather continue their American lifestyle than change. People would rather work less, than more. People would rather drive an automatic transmission. They would rather get food that is prepared quickly. They would rather someone else fix their problems. People are uncomfortable with change. And the very root of our problem requires a change to be made. But for now, we will continue to profit off of our societies reluctance to change. They would rather take the medication than change their current way of life. They would rather react to a problem than prevent the very existence of that problem. 

Being a doctor means that you must react. You must follow the rules that are bestowed upon you. Being a doctor in its current state requires the mastering of apathy. When the manner in which medicine is practiced is more economical when it is given quickly, according to data, influenced by patient satisfaction, and rewarded by metrics… well, then the very reason that one becomes a doctor must be masked so that one may go through those very motions. If people do not embrace change, then why would a patient be satisfied with their care when they are lectured on the importance of a said change? 

In the food industry, the customer is always right. I learned that pretty quickly when I worked at Boathouse 19 down on the waterfront in the southwest of Tacoma. In healthcare, patients want their antibiotics. They want to believe that the flu immunization is an evil monster, one that is wrong to subject children to. They want a quick fix to something whose core problem is the very way that person lives. To give that patient antibiotics is enabling the very beast that must be resisted. To give that patient morphine is to bend over for the enemy. To tell someone you love that they only have 15 minutes, and must choose only one or two problems to address today, is to sell-out. It is to turn one’s chin to the very values that constitute one’s identity. It is to surrender to a world that is governed by falsities.

I will not capitulate. I will not yield. I will not concede defeat. 

My life will not be devoted to my work’s profit. 

A meaningful job is to advance, improve, or help those in need. 

If my one driving force is a payout, then my life will be exploitive. 

What I want, is to help. 

Take the following scenario, for example. I wanted to film Dr. Smith because I believe that she is a remarkable doctor, a loving mother, a compassionate soul, and I want her to be able to see that in herself. If I film her because I want her to see how great she is… because I want her to overcome her apathy by recognizing the power that she has  - well, then why would I accept anything in return? To do the right thing needs no reward. If one accepts the reward, then the act becomes an object of one’s own benefit. I went to that lecture because I am proud to know her. I filmed her lecture because she is not someone who should be forgotten. Because I think her determination to educate her patients is courageous. I want her to see how much she lights up the room when she is able to speak freely about her passion, about what is true, about the core issue that is driving something which she cares so deeply about. 

Why is it that doctors will let pharmaceutical reps into their clinics when a pharmaceutical rep’s very goal is to push a product? The pharmaceutical rep’s life revolves around sales… around their own benefit. Why would a doctor willfully subject themselves to such exploitation? Well because those reps will give free samples. 

Why is it that hard-working Americans can not afford a class of substances that will save their life? Why does the fucking donut hole exist?

That is the source of one physician’s apathy. To search her clinic’s cabinets and to find that they have run out of the pharmaceutical reps samples. Insulin, regardless of the brand, will amount to several hundred dollars for one month’s supply. That patient must put food on the table for their children. Their health can wait. The physician will watch as their patient leaves and continues to suffer the effects of the disease that they can not afford to treat. There is so much privilege in this world, and it goes for granted. Those most in need cannot access the care of Dr. Smith. Those who are truly suffering are waiting behind the woman who was diagnosed with “pre-diabetes” and is using her PPO insurance to go to two different cardiologists because she has a little calcification of her fucking aortic knob. She doesn’t trust one doctor, so she must get another opinion. She doesn’t realize how minuscule her problem is, and yet her insurance company is paying out twice a year for a procedure that could save a life in ACTUAL need. Clinical guidelines indicate that this procedure is necessary - at most - once a year. And yet her paranoia is so great that she is able to get what she wants. Not what she needs. 

What about those in objective and real and true need?

The physician’s calling is to help, to educate, and to cure. It is a selfless act. And when the physician becomes a piece who contributes to a system’s overall profit, then their help can only extend to those with money. They must send the poor away. They must transfer the patients out one set of supposedly selfless doors and into the right set of doors. Real fucking charitable of them to accept that patient’s form of money. 

The only way a physician can cope with the antipathy that this system inflicts on their soul is to become tolerant of that very feeling. It means to become numb to that pain. And if you numb yourself to a feeling which brings pain, unfortunately, a deep-seated feeling of dislike is not the only feeling you have anesthetized yourself to. When I told Dr. Smith that I can’t do what she does. That I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from fighting the wrong that I see… that I wouldn’t be able to stay out of trouble… she looked at me and said, “someone my age can become apathetic.”

What I want, is to give doctors their voice back. 

I want to educate those who will listen. 

I want the above education to facilitate the prevention of disease. 

I want the above education to facilitate the effectiveness of treatment. 

I want to empower doctors.

I want doctors to get back to doing the stuff that matters. 

I want primary care medicine to be something that is desired, not avoided. 

I want everyone to have access to the information that can save lives. 

I want everyone to have the necessary tools to prevent and/or treat disease. 

If I must tuck away the core of who I am so that I may become a doctor….

Well… then I will not fucking become a doctor.

 But I will fight those who perpetuate the culture which continues to drive the rate which doctors commit suicide. (I’m not kidding, physicians are more prone to suicide than the general public; here’s a source). 

I will fight those who believe and promote the information which continues to take lives for no reason.

So I guess it looks like I’ll be staying in this industry. Tell me what degree I need to get so that I can lower the number of physician suicides, and lower the number of preventable deaths. 

I want to rock the fucking boat. 

However I can fight back is how I intend to make a living.