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littlemisssquiggles · 5 years ago

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RWBY Musings #77: The Puppet Who Wanted to be a Real Girl. Is Penny Polendina really back?

jade-rosepine asked “ While I didn't mind penny and all, I can't help asking; what was the point of bringing her back? I mean yeah wasn't beyond the realm of possibility. Only thing I could think of was to make ruby be forced to make a difficult choice - kill a friend to keep her from being used by the villians (she is still a robot and could, theoretically, be hacked by a way more advanced virus. Basically the cyber-version of brainwashing or possession!) OR let her live and be a slave to the baddies?”

Squiggles Answers:

@jade-rosepine Whelp I was going to save this bit for my musing on the first episode of RWBY V7, but since you brought it up, I might as well voice my thoughts here. I’m going to be honest with you, fam. This squiggle meister has mixed feelings about Penny’s return.

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Heart of Machine

In the past, I was a big fan of the idea of Penny being rebuilt and returning for the Atlas Arc. However back then, I liked it under the pretence that she wouldn’t exactly be the same Penny Polendina that we all met back in V1. I figured she’d be an entirely different character and the justification for her being this way was so that the plot could’ve allowed for Ruby Rose to finally have some semblance of closure since it’s been shown throughout previous seasons how much Penny’s death has affected her emotionally.

As a matter of fact, as evidenced by her ‘Indomitable’ moment in V6, Penny’s death (along with Pyrhha’s and the events of the Fall of Beacon) are still a visible mental block to Ruby being able to fully utilize her Silver Eyes. Since Ruby was shown to still have much growing with mastering her unique power, I was hoping that part of her arc for this season would be coming to terms over her loss over Penny as I was certain being within her old friend’s home kingdom was bound to bring back memories of their time together.

Now I’m not so sure whether or not closure with Penny will still be in the cards for Ruby. It’s not he fact that Penny returned that troubles me. It’s the fact that she returned and is presumably supposed to still be her old self but fixed now. I’m sorry but I’m just not actively buying that at all. I mean, like you, I get that this feat wasn’t entirely impossible to do given that Penny was a robot and technology can be easily repaired; especially in a kingdom as technologically advanced as Atlas and especially by the hands of Pietro Polendina---the man who was literally described as the Greatest Mind in the kingdom. So yeah, Penny returning--- totally could have seen that coming. But that don’t mean I’m not heavily suspicious about it knowing these writers. I still feel like there’s something’s awfully fishy about this whole plot twist.

This brings me to my hunch about Penny 2.0. I don’t believe that that’s Penny. I mean, she is her. She looks like her (albeit with a more updated design that is reminding me a lot of Bach Do’s design of her from her RWBY 3.0 art series). Talks like her and of course, acts like her. But I feel like this version of Penny is merely a shadow of the soul she once was. I still feel like the old Penny that Ruby befriended perished at the Fall of Beacon and what we’re seeing now before us is just a copy mimicking the behaviour of its original predecessor.

When Penny 2.0 first appeared, after getting over my initial shock and excitement of seeing the character again, I couldn’t help but shake this icky feeling in my gut that something was off about the new Penny. I know the series is trying to get me to think that Penny is back here but…I don’t know. I’m not entirely buying it. I feel like something is awry about this and not even her bright and shining smile in the opening is enough to quell my lingering suspicion. I can’t help but feel like something is going to happen to Penny…again.

Perhaps your theory will be correct here Jade. Perhaps it will be a case where Arthur Watts creates and implants his strongest computer virus yet into Atlas’ system which not only corrupts all the Atlesian Battle Droids in Atlas but all technology within the whole kingdom; Mantle included. This is inclusive of Penny 2.0 and possibly even Pietro Polendina’s mechanical wheelchair which goes haywire and knocks the poor old soul man off of his seat leading to Maria Calavera having to defend him and help him to safety.

Perhaps it will come down to Ruby having to fight an infected Virus Penny 2.0. However I don’t think Ruby will be forced to kill Penny. I think a moment like this will boil down to what’s stronger---hardware and programming or the soul.

It was stated back in V2 that Penny is the first (and possibly only one) of her kind. The first artificial lifeform to produce an aura. As we know, aura is described as the manifestation of one’s soul. Penny is supposed to be a soul within the body of a machine. While her body may be synthetic, at her core, she is supposedly human or the closest thing to it.

And since the V7 opening hinted at love being a major theme for this volume, it makes me wonder if we’re going to get a potential moment where a mind-controlled Virus Penny tries to harm Ruby but in the end, it’s the strength of the profound friendship shared between both girls that ultimately allows for Penny to combat the virus corrupting her machine software with the love she feels in her soul for her dear friend. Y’know love conquers all.

I wouldn’t even be too surprised if it’s a case where Penny ends up sacrificing herself to put a stop to Watts’ tyranny. Like Penny uses her core to cause a chain reaction that obliterates Watts’ powerful virus.

Dr. Polendina mentioned in the first episode that the only reason he was able to fix Penny in the first place is because Atlas was able to salvage her core from Amity Arena. Penny’s core is obviously an important part to her. I’m assuming it’s the part of her that contains the soul that’s keeps her alive. So no matter how many times Penny’s body is destroyed, so long as her core is still intact, she can be brought back. Why mention that little detail at all if it wasn’t going to be relevant later, ey?

What if … Penny’s core does eventually get destroyed. If that gets obliterated, then Penny---or at least the version of her that Ruby knew and loved--- will be gone for good this time.

I feel like the V7 finale could set up for a Terminator II type of conclusion where the machine our protagonist has grown to know and love over the course of their story is forced to sacrifice itself for the greater good of saving our hero from a dark fate. I feel like should your headcanon be made reality in the canon, we’re likely to see Penny sacrifice herself on the grounds that this time, there’s no coming back.

I can imagine Penny’s core being used as the key to stopping Watts reign over Atlas and this time, Ruby is allowed to do what she couldn’t do back in Vale. Not only would she get to save Penny but she would also get to officially say goodbye to her friend and tell her how much she loved her before tearfully watching her give herself up for the purpose she was built to do---save the world.

That’s how I’m more seeing things going down for Ruby and this newly rebuilt of Penny for their shared storylines this season. As per usual, these are only my headcanons here and I can very well be very much wrong in my prediction. But nevertheless, for now, I’m leaving this thought and theory on the table.

Then again, I’ve also gotten ahead of myself here.

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More Machine Than Man

Now that I’ve discussed how I figured Ruby and Penny’s story may conclude for V7, allow to me to voice my views on the build up to it.

As I’ve said, I feel very off about Penny being back. While I’m relishing in seeing her again, I also can’t feel a sense of this is too good to be true; y’know what I mean?

I feel like this is all a set-up. Like right now, both the audience and our main gaggle of heroes are left to believe that Penny had returned and she’s all good as new---almost like she never died at all, right?

But I feel like there’s a catch to that. I feel like at some point, in a later chapter of V7, Ruby is going to have her chance to spend some quality time catching up with Penny. At first, things seem pretty normal between them. They’re both laughing. Swapping stories…having a grand ole time with their heart to heart girl talk…only for Ruby to notice something quite off about Penny.

Like I have this scene imagined in my head. A scenario in which Ruby is supposed to head back down to Mantle to hang out with Penny P who’s finally have some free time to catch up with her old friend and desires to take Ruby on an official fun tour of Mantle---the nicer parts that is.

As a matter of fact, let’s say Penny invites the whole squad---JNPR_RWBY down for a night of fun and dancing down in Mantle with her and father. Pietro did mention in the first episode that he’s been working on shows that dance. Given his enthusiasm, dancing must’ve been one of Pietro’s favourite pastimes prior to losing function in his legs. So maybe, at some point, since the kids have all been working hard with their huntsmen duties and training, Pietro decides to treat them all to a nice of entertainment.

Imagine if …Pietro and Penny take the group to an old fashioned Mantlese Carnival which is basically RWBY’s version of Mardi Gras with a big parade of bands with nonstop musical entertainment.

I was kind of hoping that our heroes would have reunited with Team FNKI while they’re in Atlas. But it doesn’t seem like they’ll be present at all for this season. Unless, it’s a case where our heroes run into them while out with the Polendinas.

Resuming my Mantlese Carnival idea, let’s say after the group finished watching the parade, the Polendinas lead them to an old-fashioned snazzy little joint whose taste in jazz music is as sweet as its food.

I couldn’t help but be reminded of jazz music and the blues by Pietro Polendina’s design and the way he talked. His sense of fashion is giving me mega New Orleans type of vibes. Like he walked straight out of the set for the Princess and the Frog.

Anyways, like I said, our heroes are treated to a night of music and dancing by the Polendinas but while out and about in Mantle, they also happen to run into none other than Neon Katt and Flynt Cole.

Like imagine the group enjoying a nice performance by a local jazz band in Mantle only to find out that one of the musicians is Flynt.

Neon is also there to either show Flynt support (as my headcanon is that the two are dating) or perhaps she’s part of the performance with him as a singer as she and Flynt deliver a sort of Jazz/Blues rendition of Neon’s classic theme. Why not, ey?

After briefly exchanging pleasantries and catching up with their ole pals from Vale, Flynt and Neon invite everyone to an underground Mantlese rave. So unfortunately for Pietro and Maria (who was his date/company for the night), the younglings end up ditching the old folk for a night of partying. Not that they minded. Even Penny was allowed to join the group at the rave.

So as promised since V2, Neon and Flynt take JNR_RWBY plus Oscar and Penny out partying. As a side note, I’m not sure if Oscar would even be allowed to set foot inside a club given his age as a minor. Like I can just imagine Oscar, innocent as ever like the country munchkin that he is, walking up to the club bouncer only to be immediately barred from entering for being both underage and looking the part. Like would you believe Oscar is actually his age given his short stature and baby face?

As a matter of fact, the only way I can see Oscar being allowed inside of a rave is if a) he faked his age by having one of Flynt and Neon’s friends hack into Atlas’ s system and alter his birth date by two years (since I’m imagining Atlas using electronic ID scans that instantly verifies a person’s personal records by just scanning them on the spot) or b) Flynt and Neon pulls some strings to have Oscar allowed in as they’re known regulars of the club. Why not?

So the group are out having a grand ole time, and while enjoying themselves Ruby and Penny sort of skedaddle for a bit up to a private place where they can just talk to one another. Since y’know…it’s been so long since they shared a chat since one of them was presumed to be dead and all. Anyways, it’s during their talk that Ruby noticed something peculiar about Penny’s behaviour.

She keeps recalling memories of times she and Ruby shared in excruciating detail. But that’s not the part that threw Ruby off. No matter how many times the Silver Eyed huntress attempted to deviate the conversation and get Penny to talk her more about how she’s been doing since what happened at the Vytal Festival, Penny kept reverting back to recanting the same stories.

The hunch I had in mind here is: What if…Penny 2.0 is actually a copy of original Penny. Rather than being a soul mimicking human nature from within a mechanical body, it’s more a machine operating purely from memories that were transferred to it from its old former self.

When we first met Penny, while the implications of her being an humanoid were clear as day from the instant she first bumped into RWBY (I mean I certainly called that she was a robot from day one), you could also still tell that there was something remotely human in nature about Penny. I got that sense the first time Penny revealed to Ruby that she wasn't a real girl. You heard the strong tinge of genuine sadness in her voice as she said it which was what made her friendship with Ruby all the more pure. Their bond was wholesome and important to each other inspire of only knowing one another for a short space of time.

And when Penny died in V3, you didn't feel as if it was a machine being destroyed. You actively felt like a character---a real person died. We, as the audience, got to feel the same sense of sadness that Ruby Rose felt watching her dear friend die before her very eyes after failing to save her in time.

Ruby failed to protect Penny (and eventually Pyrhha too) which was what made her answer to Maria’s question in V6 all the more meaningful.

She wishes to master control of her Silver Eyes, not just for the sake of being able to vanquish the Grimm but for the sake of protecting the people who matter most to her---her friends and family. The people who love her as much as she loves them.

This also kind of presents another reason why I’m conflicted on Penny’s return. Penny being back all fixed and good as new as if the Fall of Beacon didn’t happen kind of puts a bit of a damper on Ruby’s trauma as a result of what happened. It’s one of those things that made me question why show Ruby suffering from flashbacks of her friends’ deaths just to have said friend return good as new.

As we saw during her ‘Indomitable’ moment in V6, thinking about Penny and her death caused Ruby to lose focus. Yes Ruby managed to summon her light to petrify the Leviathan. But not before using Jinn to buy her some time so she can concentrate and let’s also not forget that Ruby’s power didn’t work.

While she succeeded in petrifying the Leviathan, she failed to kill it. This to me was a clear indicator that Ruby hasn’t full mastered her unique power and still has much to grow. A detail that I was relieved the CRWBY kept since I never felt like Ruby’s indomitable moment was rightfully earned so it almost felt like a waste of a good moment, in my opinion

I’m probably in the minority here when I say this but I actually disliked Ruby’s Indomitable scene from V6. As I said, it wasn’t properly earned and that took me out of the whole moment.

Instead of watching Ruby go through an arc of learning to fully master control of her newfound abilities, struggling at first but also learning more about herself and her heritage in the process building up to this grandiose moment where she finally perfects her power.

Instead we spent two whole seasons with our little red rose being written to be rather neglectful of her eyes, never once further questioning its mysterious origins; not even when in the face of the very person who told the last person who first told Ruby about her eyes.

Ruby learnt about the Silver Eyes from Qrow during the finale of V3. Qrow, on the other hand, said he learnt about the Silver Eyed Warriors from Ozpin. Ruby had her chance to ask Oz for more on the Silver Eyes at any point during V5 or even V6. Instead the Writers have her question everything but her Silver Eyes…despite showing her using it again later in the season during the Battle of Haven.

It is such a darn shame that Maria Calavera was only brought in for V6. I honestly feel like her character and role as Silver Eyed mentor to Ruby should’ve been better utilized as early as V4.

Instead I was left feeling that Maria’s presence in Ruby’s development was made irrelevant especially by the end of V6 when Ruby had her big brain idea to use her Silver Eyes on the Leviathan…despite having zero prior training. I don’t think that’s how progress is supposed to work?

And let’s not forget the fact that Ruby has only known Maria for only four days since the entirety of V6 (and the start of V7) only took place over the course of four days in RWBY’s timeline.

So yeah, Ruby’s Mastery of her Silver Eyes has much more groundwork to do and I have a feeling the Writers brought Penny back to aid with that

Did they necessarily have to though? No not really. As a matter of fact, Penny 2.0 unfortunately falls into the ball park of how the Writers brought back Neopolitan in V6 for me. While it’s nice to see Penny again, I didn’t honestly need her back especially since her death was framed in such a symbolic way to the plot in terms of how it affected Ruby’s character these past few seasons. Now I’m left questioning what the whole point of all of that was.

Listen, I’m not trying to imply that bringing Penny back was a terrible idea on the Writers’ part. I’m more saying, I don’t 100% buy into it. Not exactly.

I honestly feel there is going to be a catch with this. The Writers can’t have Penny’s death still affecting Ruby only to just magically have that trauma and mental block magically disappear now that she’s back in the picture. They’re not gonna do that, right?

They’re not gonna undo that big detail established in previous seasons, right? I mean…it’s not like they’ve done things like this before, right?

Nuh uh. Not buying it. Hence my theory on Ruby having a moment with Penny 2.0 only to realize that she’s not exactly all good as new as she was proclaimed to be.

Either that or it’s a case where even though Penny is back, Ruby herself can’t seem to look past the past.

She can’t seem to shake the haunting fact that she once saw her friend die before her very eyes because she failed to help her. Like I’d figure that that memory would still remain as a nightmarish lingering thought in Ruby’s psyche. Right?

Like imagine this scene. A scenario where Ruby and Penny are out exploring Mantle together, catching up only for Penny to be called back to the line of duty when another alert of Grimm attacking the city blares it ugly head. As Penny flies off to do her thing, Ruby follows her below on foot determined to help her out. When Ruby finds Penny, she arrives just in time to see her down a couple of Saybers from attacking a couple of fleeing civilians.

Ruby calls out to Penny. Penny, in turn, spins around to wave to Ruby. But while Penny is distracted greeting her friend, she is neglectful of one stray Sayber that suddenly comes in from behind and slashes Penny straight through the chest.

Ruby looks on in complete horror as Penny 2.0 is once again cut down in front of her; the nightmares of her decapitation at the Vytal Festival resurfacing. And for a moment, Ruby freezes on the spot. She doesn’t even react as the same Sayber charges at her.

But before the Sayber could get to Ruby, it’s killed before it could lay a bloody talon on her. As Ruby looks up slowly from her daze at her saviour , she sees that it was Penny. In spite of her damage, Penny was still functioning enough to protect Ruby.

Let’s say, for the sake of the scene, the rest of the heroes---JNR_WBY plus Oscar were down in Mantle too and overheard all the commotion from the emergency alarms; all seven huntsmen and huntresses arriving at the scene to aid with the rescue.

Let’s say the others had seen what happened to Penny and immediately came to her side to quickly gather up her severed parts to take her immediately to Dr. Polendina so he could repair his daughter.

As the others handled Penny, let’s say…Oscar approaches Ruby as he noticed the disturbed expression on her face. Oscar urges Ruby on the matter of them taking Penny to her father as quickly as possible. At first, Ruby reacts like she didn’t hear Oscar; apparently too lost in her own wild thoughts. It wasn’t until Oscar gently touched Ruby’s shoulder did she finally stir out of her stupor. Long story short, the heroes manage to get Penny 2.0 to Pietro in time.

After studying her injuries, Pietro reports to everyone that Penny was going to be fine. She may be off duty for a couple of days given that he’ll need time to repair her.

But beyond that, Pietro assured the group that Penny was going to make a speedy recovery; much to the relief of the heroes. But in spite of hearing the good news, this doesn’t serve to uplift Ruby’s mood and her bothered expression of deep concern is still apparent on her face. Even as JNPR_RWBY depart from the Polendina residence to return up to Atlas.

As the group look to head back home, Oscar is the one to take notice of Ruby’s awkward silence.

I say Oscar of all people rather than her teammates or Yang since it’s been highlighted before that when Ruby is feeling pressured or looks distressed in some shape or form, Oscar is quick to pick up on that.

He’s also been shown to act out on trying to help Ruby in this type of emotional scenario. This is why should we ever get a moment like this in the canon, I can picture it being another prime chance for the Writers to show Oscar being an emotional crutch for Ruby.

If a scene like this ever comes to pass in the series, the way I see it going down is Oscar confronting Ruby again about Penny and the two sharing another heart to heart moment where he gets her to open up about her true feelings. I’ve been itching for another V5 Dojo-esque scene between the Rosebuds.

I’d love to see another example of Oscar helping Ruby through another emotional rut; particularly if it involves Penny.

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So to conclude…

I guess the main point I’m really trying to get at here with this musing post is that I don’t believe Ruby’s arc revolving around her grievances about Penny’s death is over. Even with her being back in her life.

It can’t be. Just because Penny was repaired and has returned doesn’t instantly erase the fact that she did die nor does it erase Ruby’s memory and clear trauma over it. At least, I hope that’s not how the Writers are going to portray it. Ruby’s thing is that she sees Penny as a real girl. She sees her as a person. But Penny isn’t entirely a real person.

She possesses a soul of her own, yes (and I’m curious to learn the origins of said soul) but she’s also a machine. Her body is fake but at her core, she is a living being. Sort of---really need an origin episode on how Penny was created and where Atlas and Ironwood got the soul that’s a part of her.

Did it come from the Relic of Creation? Was Penny an unexpected by-product of the Relic’s power; brought to life by an experiment tested by Ironwood using the Relic of Creation?

Is the Relic of Creation the RWBY equivalent of the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio? Is the being of the Relic of Creation inspired by the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio?

Who knows? These are all questions I’m looking forward to this season answering for me.

But in the meantime, in regards to Ruby’s bond with Penny, We got to see Ruby grow to care for Penny as a person and what’s interesting to note is that Ruby has always valued Penny as more human than machine.

Keeping that in mind, picture if part of Ruby’s story with Penny for V7 is her leaning to accept that Penny isn’t a real person. This is why I like my theorized scene of having Ruby witness Penny 2.0 being cut down again; highlighting she’s still not over what happened at Beacon. Imagine if that creates an issue for Ruby where she actively feels uncomfortable at the thought of losing Penny time and time again since she can’t handle watching her friend getting destroyed in spite of the fact that she’s a machine that’s built to protect humanity.

I know this concept probably sounds rather farfetched based on how I’m describing it. However, that’s how I’m choosing to look at it; for now. Perhaps the story for this season might change my mind on that. We’ll see.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say on this subject matter for today. For the most part, I hope I managed to answer your question, Jade. As usual, please let me know if I did. I’m always open to hearing other FNDM fam members thoughts on my thoughts on my thoughts.

Similar to you, this squiggle meister is also left pondering why the Writers’ brought back Penny. It’s actually kind of sad that I have to question it. If I wasn’t so skeptical over the CRWBY Writers’ writing decisions given their recent track record then I wouldn’t be questioning this decision so much.

Right now my theories are my best bet at understanding why this decision was made for the plot but that don’t mean that that will be the case in the canon. I’m praying there is a good narrative reason for Penny’s return and that it wasn’t done as a gimmick to hype up the fans for the new season---y’know bringing back another fan favourite character just because they thought it would be quote, unquote, ‘cool to do’.

I didn’t like that that was the rationale for Neo’s return, as mentioned in the V6 DVD Commentary, and I’d be equally peeved if that was the rationale for Penny’s. Then again, maybe I’m getting too ahead of myself here. We’re only one episode into V7 so let’s not jump the gun. Let’s just be patient and wait and see what the rest of the season brings, ya?

Until then, hope you at least enjoyed my new musing post.

More Squiggles’ RWBY Content

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

#rwby #penny polendina #ruby rose #oscar pine #rwby theories #rwby volume 7 theories #rwby volume 7 spoilers #rwby volume 7 #rwby musings

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viva-la-sterek · 6 years ago

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Happy new year, Sterek Fandom! Here is a list of some greatly enjoyable fics created in the fandom this past year! It’s amazing to see Sterek still going strong with events like @sterekweek-2018, @sterek-smooch, @sterekreversebang, @stereksecretsanta, and many more! Thank you so much to the many writers, fanartists, graphic makers and everyone that contributes to fandom! x3

They Say It's Mighty Fine by @the-apocrypha (1/1 | 23,234 | Gen.)

"Hello. This is Alpha Vernon Boyd, calling from Camp Remus about—"

"Derek?" Talia asks, confused. "You're calling about Derek? Is he okay? What happened?"

"Oh, boy." Melissa blows out a breath. "All right. Is he hurt?"

"He's been there for two hours, what could he possibly have—" John pauses. "Hang on, Camp Remus? Like the werewolf camp?"

Where You Still Remember Dreaming by @yodas-yo-yo (15/15 | 95,612 | Explicit)

“What’s your name? I can’t keep calling you Balto.”

“What’s yours?”

“Stiles.”

Derek raises an eyebrow. That isn’t his real name. There’s no way. But now he thinks about it, he has a vague memory of someone, probably Uncle Peter, telling him that with the fae, names have power. “I’m Miguel,” he says.

“Lie.”

“Are you trying to tell me your real name is Stiles?”

Stiles runs his tongue across his teeth and considers Derek carefully. “Fair enough,” he says, “Miguel it is.”

Grabbing his groceries and pocketing the change, Derek turns to leave; he’s nearly at the door when Stiles calls out, “By the way, Miguel, if you’re interested, it’s two for one on bags of kibble at the pet store down the street.”

Derek doesn’t look back, doesn’t hesitate, just raises a hand and flips him off on the way out.

Sweet Buns by skoosiepants / @pantstomatch (1/1 | 17,936 | Teen)

Stiles hasn’t seen Derek Hale this close up for over a decade. He looks almost exactly the same, except somehow he seems even bigger and broodier—criminally handsome, with soft-looking dark scruff, heavy brows, light hazel eyes. His gaze zeros in on Stiles almost immediately, and his scowl lightens minutely in what looks like surprise.

Stiles is acutely aware that he has melted butter and cinnamon all over his face, and tries to surreptitiously wipe it with the ends of his sweater-sleeve.

Or-

The a/b/o bakery au with feelings

Scrubbing Bubbles by MargaretKire (8/8 | 46,063 | Explicit)

Stiles thought it would be easy doing janitorial work for an office. At first, it really was. The job only took a few hours in the evenings and it helped pay for rent and college. Sure, Hale Industries took up an entire floor in one of the downtown financial buildings, but the place was new and easy to care for. He didn’t even have to spend much time cleaning the huge corner office, because the trash was nearly always empty and the office itself was spotless, like no one used it.

It was basically the perfect college job. At least, until the boss started staying late.

Give you that thing you can't even imagine by LunaCanisLupus_22 (1/1 | 10,982 | Explicit)

the one where mateless Derek thinks no omega can affect him like they do other alphas and he's about to find out he's very, very wrong.

That Frothing Knob by Pride_of_Six (4/4 | 14,598 | Explicit)

Stiles was wiping down the spout of a machine with a cloth, and Derek almost popped a stiffy right there in the café. It was completely embarrassing that after so many years of control over both his human and wolf side Derek would find himself so… enamoured by this random. Regardless, the wolf wants what the wolf wants, and Derek found himself trying his darnedest to get some sort of a rise out of Stiles, “You sure know how to handle that frothing knob.”

Needless to say, Derek got to see that beautiful blush colouring the barista’s face once again.

hey asshole by @everchanginginks (1/1 | 15,631 | Mature)

The Hales moved in next door more than a year ago and while Cora and Stiles became fast friends, Stiles has yet to meet his best friend's big brother, Derek, who’s been attending college in New York. When Derek comes home for the summer he makes less than a stellar impression. And vice versa.

lube and determination by @bleep0bleep (2/2 | 4,873 | Explicit)

It's a holiday classic: homesick boy wants to make a pumpkin pie while studying abroad, boy realizes the only place to find vegetable shortening is a sex shop, and boy makes fool of himself in front of other boy.

The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart (is Through His Bottomless Pit) by @isthatbloodonhisshirt (1/1 | 54,167 | Explicit)

Pulling open his apartment door, he let out an involuntary shout when something was quite literally thrust into his chest hard enough to have him almost tip backwards. He managed to right himself while keeping hold of what had been shoved at him and looked up in time to see his neighbour striding back towards his apartment.

“You’re going to fucking kill yourself.”

His door slammed.

Stiles blinked at the other man’s door, utterly confused, and looked down at what he was holding.

It was a plastic bag, full of what felt like tupperware, which made no sense to Stiles because when had his neighbour broken into his house to steal his tupperware?

Sharing Food by @aussiebee (2/2 | 9,564 | Explicit)

Derek is pretty much absorbed into the Stilinski family, one meal at a time.

Have You Tried Turning It Off and On Again? by @sophisticatedyet (1/1 | 8776 | Explicit)

Stiles gets a wrong number call from an old man who can't install his antivirus software. He feels like doing a good deed, so he decides to walk him through it.

Derek is not an old man, just a technologically incompetent twenty-six year old TA who has made enemies of the entire UCLA IT department. The helpful stranger he has just accidentally called is about to become Derek's go-to computer guy.

Bittersweet and Strange, Finding You Can Change (Learning You Were Wrong) by WithMyTeeth (8/8 | 49,983 | Explicit)

When perpetual loner and failwolf extraordinaire Derek Hale finally loses patience with his meddling family, he grabs a confused Stiles Stilinski, unsuspecting diner patron and herbal medicine student, off the street to pose as his new boyfriend. Hijinks ensue.

Companionship by exclamation / @jessicameats (42/42 | 85,697 | Explicit)

Companions are elite pleasure slaves, trained in music, dance, poetry, and, especially, sex. Stiles is the worst student in the history of the companion school, so his teachers decide to get rid of him by claiming he is interested in bondage and selling him to someone who'll keep him restrained and gagged.

Derek Hale is lonely and interested in BDSM. Buying a companion with an interest in submission seemed like a good idea at the time, but it turns out Stiles is not what was advertised. Not only does Stiles hate the thought of BDSM, he also has very strong opinions on what constitutes consent, or lack thereof. But keeping Stiles seems a better option than sending him back to the school, so somehow they will have to work this out between them.

Do Not Go Gentle by @mojoflower (51/51 | 195,878 | Explicit)

Derek Hale, Beacon Hills Alpha and Dom, wakes up in a dark cell already housing another captive – a mute, traumatized sub with a cruel collar around his neck. His only goal is to get them both free of their brutal circumstances; but even as he tries to get his young companion home, a bond between them grows. Nothing comes easily: danger and harrowing echoes of their ordeal shadow every step they take.

too long to the weekend by @dizzy-redhead (1/1 | 5,261 | Explicit)

When Derek agreed to show Stiles around Berkeley, he was thinking of Stiles at fifteen, his childhood friend, the son of his mother's best friend.

He was not prepared for Stiles, all grown up.

Married at First Glance by WonderWolf (14/14 | 63,558 | Explicit)

Married at First Glance gives its participants seven weeks. Seven weeks, starting when they meet and marry their “perfect match”, to decide if they want to stay married or divorce.

For Stiles and Derek though, the challenge lies within trying to pretend that they don’t absolutely hate each other’s guts. When you’re married to a werewolf who dislikes humans, however, this can get a little tricky.

But the sweet, sweet cash reward at the end will be worth it. Right?

(A Married at First Sight AU)

Show Me Your Igloo and I'll Show You Mine by @thisdiscontentedwinter (1/1 | 4,943 | Explicit)

Stiles is finally going to meet the online friend he's had for years.

Instead, the hottest guy in the world walks in.

Broken Car, Lemon Bar by inhystereks / @bibliophile246 (6/6 | 27,884 | Mature)

Stiles got out of his car so whoever was coming wouldn't think he was just being an asshole and stopped in the middle of the road on purpose. He almost laughed when he caught sight of the approaching car. A black Camaro. Which meant Derek Hale was the one slowing down to pull up behind him. The town mechanic and also the scariest fucker around.

Oh, sweet irony.

He was exactly the person Stiles desperately needed and was also terrified of.

Perfect.

The Courting Dilemmas of a Spark and a Werewolf Prince by green-leaf (2/2 | 11,472 | Teen)

Talia smiled calmly. “I am well aware that you are not a werewolf, my darling, but I thought this would be the best reading material for you to use as reference. After all, how would you know how to act during a courting ritual if you do not study it?”

“But I don’t... I’m not…” Stiles narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you setting me up with someone?”

Talia rolled her eyes at him. “Don’t be obtuse, my darling. Why would I set you up with someone –”

“Oh, well, that’s good, because–”

“–when I have a son who is already perfectly enamored with you?”

The Accused by @drgrlfriend (1/1 | 5,764 | Mature)

“Remember when I thought I was in love with Kate, and she turned out to be a murderous hunter who killed most of my family and blinded me in the process?”

Erica’s voice was cautious. “Derek — what the fuck — of course I remember, how could you even ask? —”

“Well, my mate is worse,” Derek said flatly.

A Little Less Conversation by Lissadiane (1/1 | 5,626 | Gen.)

Derek has learned to be a good Alpha in most of the ways that count. The problem is, now that he's well-adjusted, safe, and happy, it's time to turn his attention to the one thing he's always sucked at: finding a nice, sweet Omega mate.

Lucky for him, Erica and Stiles have ideas on how to make that as painless as possible.

In which Derek Hale is a failwolf and somehow, ends up going speed dating.

Cheers to more Sterek in 2019!!

#eternalsterek #tag: 2018 #tag: year end round up

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mischiefandspirits · 5 years ago

Text

Iron Legion (9/?)

Never let it be said that Tony Stark ever does things by half. He might have grown up with little family, but he wasn’t about to keep it that way.

Tony Stark was seventeen when his first child was born, and that was just the beginning.

For Masterpost, AO3, and Fanfiction

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Girl Fridays, Part 2

The party was over by the time they got back and Rhodey was waiting for them.

“Uncle Rhodey!” Teresa cheered, jumping out of the car.

“Where have you been?”

“Uh oh,” Tony chuckled, coming around to her side. “I think it’s bedtime, Resa. Head upstairs and I’ll come tuck you in.”

She pouted, but left.

“Rhodey -”

“I stuck my neck out for you and you just up and disappear,” the man snapped.

“It was just one party,” Tony scoffed, moving around the car to grab a piece of the model.

“It’s not just the party, you’ve fallen off the face of the Earth. Iron Man needs to be out there.”

“Can’t right now, busy,” he said, eyeing the piece then shrugging. “Dum-E, U, come take care of this.”

The twins gave cheerful whirs and raced over.

“I’m serious,” Rhodey growled, coming to his side and grabbing his arm.

“And I need to go tuck in my kid.” Tony pulled away.

“You head up those stairs, and I’ll take the suits myself.”

“Sure buddy,” he laughed opening the door.

“You think I won’t?”

Tony let the door swing shut behind him.

When he reached the main floor, he took a moment to take in the mess left over from the party.

“Hey Jay, where’d Pepper and Nebula get to?”

“Ms. Potts has returned home for the night. She seemed upset that you left early, but was relieved that you at least did not make a scene. Miss Nebula is in her room with the door locked and is currently on the phone with the cleaning company. She is far more upset and has decided that you will be cleaning up instead.”

Tony rolled his eyes and continued on to the second floor. “Make sure they’re compensated for the change of plans.”

“Miss Nebula is already on it. I should also inform you Colonel Rhodes has just left with the Mark II.”

Tony was slightly shocked that’s all he was leaving with. At the very least, he could have taken the Mark IV. He chuckled at the idea of taking remote control of the suit and dragging his best friend back just to remind Rhodey he could before properly considering the situation.

The world needed the suit and Tony… he didn’t have much longer and he’d rather spend that time with the kids. If anyone could be trusted with the suit, it was Rhodey.

On the other hand, there was the model to consider. If Iron Man was still around in the end…

“Jay, call up legal. Let them know the Air Force is about to get a gift and we need to get a contract together fast. Tell them I’ll be on the phone with them to discuss terms as soon as I’ve finished a quick task.”

“Of course, Sir.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What am I going to do for you? Well, the first thing I’m gonna do for you is I’m gonna upgrade your software -”

“No you won’t,” Rhodey cut in.

“Stark’s conditions,” Major Allen explained. “We get the Mark II, or War Machine as he has designated it, but only so long as he has complete control over software updates and modifications as well as a few physical components.”

“The armor is still Stark Industries property, it’s just on loan to the Air Force,” Rhodey restated. “No pulling it apart to try to reverse engineer it.”

“Then why am I here,” Hammer asked, clearly annoyed no matter how he tried to hide it.

“You’re here to weaponize it. Stark Industries won’t do it due to their no weapons policy.”

“You want firepower, huh? Well, you’re talking to the right guy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Rhodes has the armor?”

“One of them.”

“What’s Stark doing about it?”

“Nothing. He’s claiming he let Rhodes take it. He said he’s loaning it out to the Air Force as a peace offering despite the fact the general claims they seized the suit. According to Stark, he has measures in place to prevent unauthorized use so it would be impossible for Rhodes to have taken it without his permission and the colonel backed him up. I can’t say for sure if it’s the truth or just him and Rhodes covering his ass.”

“What are they planning to do with the suit?”

“Just weaponize it. There’s not much more they can do with all of Stark’s conditions. He made sure they wouldn’t be able to modify it too much or let anyone other than Rhodes use it. He even ensured the suit would go by a call sign of his own invention.”

“Of course he did. Anyone planning to fight him on it?”

“Stern’s been making his opinion known and the other branches of the military seem just short of calling nepotism, but the contract was signed as is. The Air Force are thrilled enough to have the suit in their ranks that they’ll take anything. Not to mention that Stark’s being firm, either they take his terms or he’ll just recall the suit right out of their hanger. If it’s a bluff, no one’s calling it.”

“Well Stark’s certainly got this all in hand.”

“Agreed. There doesn’t appear to be anyway to step in without showing our hand.”

“Alright. Keep your head down and ears open. We’ve still got something in the works.”

“Yessir.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What did you do?” Nebula asked, taking in the destruction that surrounded the workshop.

“Built a prismatic accelerator,” her father explained. “Where have you been?”

“At the office, doing my job.”

“Sounds boring,” Teresa said, shoving another book under the metal coil Father was holding up. “How’s that?”

He set the coil down then set a level on top. “Perfect!”

Nebula stared at the two before shaking her head. “I don’t want to know. Please don’t blow the house up while I’m gone.”

“Where are you going?” her father asked, finally looking at her and Teresa followed suit.

“Hammer’s giving a presentation tomorrow evening at the Expo. Aunt Pepper wants me to come with her. Giving Uncle Rhodey the Mark II has helped put out some fires, but we need to be there to keep control of the situation. I suppose it would be too much to ask that you come along.”

“How long until wheels up?”

“About an hour,” she answered, glancing at her watch.

“Sorry busy. Besides, who’d stay with Resa? Happy’s going to be there too and I heard Rhodey’s part of the presentation.”

“Uncle Happy can take her around the Expo. She’d love it,” she answered easily already knowing her sister had been hoping to go since it had been announced. “I can act as your bodyguard.”

To her surprise, Teresa objected. “No, we have to finish daddy’s project. The Expo can wait!”

“You heard the girl,” he said, ruffling her hair.

Nebula sighed, but it was the answer she expected to hear. “Try not set anymore fires, literally or figuratively.”

“Will do on the figurative, no promises on the literal.”

She marched out before she could decide to argue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Call trace incomplete.”

Tony and Teresa shared a look before glancing over at the Expo model.

“Nebs,” she whispered.

“There’s no way he knows about any of you,” Tony said, but that didn’t settle the panic that was sinking in.

Vanko was in New York, just like Nebula, Pepper, Happy, and Rhodey.

He turned and saw a promotion for Hammer’s presentation on one of his screens.

“Okay, sweetie, daddy’s got to go to work,” he said, moving towards the new arc reactor. “Stay here with your brothers and U.”

“I wanna come!” she announced and he turned to her instead.

“Baby,” he said, setting his hands on her shoulders. “This could turn out to be very dangerous. I need you to stay here so I know your safe.”

“But -”

“Also, the suit won’t fit you,” he added with a smirk and she pouted. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and grabbed the arc reactor.

“Sir -”

“You want to run some tests, run them.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nebula glared at the man who had placed her father and so many others in danger. Before Aunt Pepper could stop her, she grabbed him and slammed him against the desk he was standing near. “You will tell us who did this now or I will make you.”

“Ivan. Ivan Vanko,” the worm stuttered out quickly.

“Where is he?”

“At my facility.”

Nebula shoved him aside and glared at the man at the computer. “Move.”

He tripped over his feet as he rushed to comply.

“Call the police,” she told Aunt Pepper as she pulled out her phone and connected it to the laptop, allowing her access to the device. “J.A.R.V.I.S. and I will do what we can from here.”

“No, no, honey. Don’t call the authorities.”

“Call her honey or touch her again and I will break your nose,” Nebula hissed and Hammer immediately jumped away from Aunt Pepper.

“How are we looking?” Aunt Pepper asked shortly later.

“Not good. None of them are on the same system. Without access to the main command center, we’re only able to shut them down one at a time. Well, two at a time since J.A.R.V.I.S. and I can each take one.”

“How are you doing that?” Hammer’s helper asked, looking at the screen and she shoved him away.

“Unlike your boss, Mr. Stark only hires the best,” she said, taking out one of the Marine drones. “Now leave.”

Everyone fled except Nebula and Aunt Pepper.

Suddenly the connection to the command center unlocked. Two video feeds opened up, one showing her father’s face from his heads up display, the other showing the redhead from legal her father had wanted to make his PA.

“Reboot complete. You’ve got your best friend back,” the redhead said.

“And you are?” he asked and the woman frowned.

“I’m Agent Romanoff. I’m a S.H.I.E.L.D. shadow. I -”

“Am fired,” Nebula finished, using her newfound freedom to shut down all the drones.

“That’s not up to you,” the spy said.

“But it’s up to me,” Aunt Pepper growled, stepping up behind Nebula. “Why is Fury sending spies into my company?”

“That’s something I would prefer to speak to Mr. Stark about in private.”

“If this is about Fury’s super-secret boy band, I already gave him my refusal. Also, Pep, remind me to sue Hammer for messing with Rhodey’s programming.”

“How -”

“Fury dropped a data file on his way out. I had a team go over it.”

Said team was himself, Nebula, and J.A.R.V.I.S., but that wasn’t something the spy needed to know.

“Mr. Stark, that was confidential information for your eyes only.”

“Then you shouldn’t have left the drive behind,” Nebula snorted. “Everyone present is aware of the Avengers Initiative, Agent, and as Mr. Stark said, he turned S.H.I.E.L.D. down.”

“Stark -”

“Can we talk about this when I’m not fending off a Hammeroid attack?”

“The drones are down,” Nebula said. “J.A.R.V.I.S. and I just shut down the last one.”

“Great, you’re the best!”

“Stark, we need to -”

“You know what, you’ve got my PA on the line, schedule an appointment. I think Fury and I need to have a talk about boundaries anyways. In the meantime, you can clean out your desk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to check on my buddy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“All these drones are rigged to blow. We gotta get out of here man.”

“Pepper and Nebula!”

Rhodey sucked in a breath and followed after Tony. They reached the girls just in time, Tony grabbing Pepper while he grabbed Nebula.

As the explosions went off, Rhodey found a roof to land on and set Nebula down.

Tony did the same and he and Pepper immediately started bickering.

And then they were kissing.

“They are ridiculous,” Nebula sighed.

“Yeah,” Rhodey agreed, sitting down on a box.

They broke apart and Tony said, “Weird.”

“No, it’s not weird,” Pepper disagreed.

“It’s okay, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Run that by me again.”

When they started kissing again, Rhodey said, “I think it was weird. You guys look like two seals fighting over a grape.”

“I had just quit, actually,” Pepper said as they broke apart and Tony started to speak over her.

“Yeah, so we’re not…”

Rhodey waved them off. “You don’t have to do that. We heard the whole thing.”

“Are you done now?” Nebula asked.

“You two should get lost,” Tony said, pointing between them.

“I was here first. Get a roof,” Rhodey said, but Nebula just turned and started to walk off.

“I quit.”

The three watched her march off.

Tony snorted. “Well, she lasted longer than some.”

Rhodey rolled his eyes and stood up.

“Hey, buddy, I’m going to need the suit back. Gotta fix all that Hammer nonsense. Maybe even give you an upgrade. Maybe. We’ll see if I’m feeling nice.”

“Sure, but my car got taken out in the explosion, so I’m gonna have to hang on to it for a minute, okay?”

Tony hummed. “Not okay. Not okay with that.”

“It wasn’t a question.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tony glanced around the warehouse Fury had set up for their meeting. His eyes landed on a folder for the Avengers Initiative Preliminary Report and he slid it towards himself.

Fury’s hand fell over it. “I don’t think I want you looking at that. I’m not sure it pertains to you anymore.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t,” Tony said before the man could continue. “I told you before I’ve got no interest. Now, about you sending your little spy into my company.”

“Romanoff was sent in to assess you -”

“After I already said no.”

“Which is why you were under consideration to be a consultant.”

Tony stared at the man before looking away. He stood up and held out his hand. When Fury took it, he clasped them man’s hand between both of his own. “You can’t afford me.”

He walked away.

“Stark -”

“Oh, and I’d be willing to drop the corporate espionage charges for a small favor,” Tony added, turning back to him. “Rhodey and I are being honoured in Washington and we need a presenter.”

Fury glared at him and he shrugged.

“Unless you want me to take your little secret spy ring to court. I’m sure the press would have a field day with that.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Fury growled.

Tony gave him a smirk. “Just be glad nothing confidential passed her desk or legal would be tearing into you harder than they are Hammer. They don’t like it when they’re infiltrated. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with the cutest girl in the world.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So what are you going to do now that Nebs quit?” Teresa asked playing with the fake repulsor on her glove as Tony paid for their churros.

“No idea,” he said. “Keep the change.”

“Sir!” the churro girl exclaimed. “This is a hundred dollar bill!”

Tony waved it off and led Teresa away. “Guess I’ll have to hire one of Aunt Pepper’s choices. Or go without.”

“Why can’t Jay be your new PA?” she asked, pulling off her gloves and tucking them into her pocket so she could take her churro from him. The faceplate of her Iron Man helmet slid up and she took a bite. “He’s always helping you with stuff.”

“Mouth closed you goblin. And Jay’s a pushover. A snippy one, but still. He’d never nag me to do stuff like Aunt Pepper does.”

She swallowed and wiped her face before saying, “Why can’t you make a PA bot then?”

“That’s…” Tony paused, thinking it over. “That’s actually a really good idea, Gummy Bear.”

She gave him a wide smile before taking a big bite.

“Yeah, I can make her feisty. A redhead like your sister and Aunt Pepper.”

“Nebs doesn’t have red hair,” Teresa giggled.

“She’s got a few wigs that are red. I can make her Scottish, or maybe Irish? What do you think?”

“Irish!”

“Irish it is. See, this is why you’re my girl Friday, Baby!”

Teresa stopped, frowning at her churro.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

She kept staring for a moment before looking up at him warily. She grabbed his hand and tugged him off to the side. “Can-can I talk to you about something?”

He knelt down and let go of her hand to cup her cheek. “Of course. You can tell me anything.”

She bit her lip, but nodded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a flicker of light, then another, before a form materialized in the lab. It was a young woman in her early twenties. She was pale and slim with red hair cut into a stylish asymmetrical bob and a sleek jacket and pencil skirt.

“Happy birthday, Friday!”

The AI turned her blue holographic eyes to Tony and Teresa.

“Thanks Boss, Baby-Bro.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday's here a bit early because Tony deserves a PA and I love the idea from the comics where she's his holographic secretary.

Next up: Big Buff Uncle

That feel when I actually stop to count and realize I've given Tony fourteen children and two grandchildren in this fic. I might have gone a little overboard. In my defense, over half the kids are either AI's or robots. Have fun guessing who the sixteen are! Reblog or message me with your ideas. Hint: Two kids and one grandkid come from the comics, the rest are MCU based.

#tony stark #peter parker #nebula #iron family #iron man 2

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the-progress-bar · 6 years ago

Text

You Wore Out a Path Recap

I haven’t written something this long in … well, I don’t want to check.

The Inception

I don’t remember where the idea for this came from, specifically. I wrote the beginning of the first chapter for Camp NaNoWriMo, along with a whole slew of other FE:A material. It turns out that I’m extremely bad at writing linear narratives, given the absolute mess and if you say goodbye is to straighten out and more casually in the boy across the hall.

Chapter One

The fairy tale was written first actually. I filled in around its scene breaks with Robin being in a Bad Mental State™ as a way to carry this. weird, meandering fairy tale. Also, there’s a much more comedic story in the works that involves Grima and Robin again and I wanted to do something more serious on that vein at the same time.

He strikes to the south east. For some reason, Donnel didn’t stay in the armed forces as Robin hoped but went back home for good.

Donnel! I love Donnel for the sheer comedy of some country boy latching onto the Shepherds, which is otherwise comprised of nobles, and him being able to take on a whole battlefield by himself, leaving the rest in the dust. But he doesn’t stay in Ylisstol and Robin and I are forever sad over that lost potential.

Thunder crumbles around the spirit. They press a stone into the prince’s hand and sighs.

Here’s an instance where it’s clear that I didn’t outline the first chapter at all nor was I thinking about how the pieces fit if I expanded the story. This stone was supposed to do your normal fairy tale shenaniganry with like. Blessings and shielding and magical properties. Then I completely lost that vein and only left the part in where spirit!Robin basically gives Chrom, the prince, their heart. Good job, me. This constantly bothers me, but I also don’t have the motivation to rewrite this bit.

He freezes at Frederick’s stare.

I sincerely love Frederick for reasons that are spoilers for a giant FE:A fic I have in the works, but he’s also so, so fun to wind up.

Chapter Two

So, now I had to actually sit down and outline how this story went. Just a bunch of sentences jotted down, but enough to make me realize how bizarre the geography in this game is. Like, what even is going on with the story’s timeline? Do you know how long it takes to move an army over a continent, when its fastest mode of transportation are horses? I never get how they’re able to run from Plegia over to Mount Prism, then back to the opposite side of the continent and onto Grima’s back. Did Grima just wait for Chrom and co. to arrive? Like, they’re extra enough, but Nintendo, come on.

Let me just say, the FE:A world map has been a permanent fixture in my browser for months and I’m glad to see it gone.

Chrom sinks onto the bed and stares at the coat in his hands.

It’s been almost a decade.

The reason it took Chrom so long to appear among the character tags is because he wasn’t supposed to appear. Not until the last scene. Somehow he snuck into the open and close of the rest of the chapters and I didn’t kick him out.

“I died, Frederick,” Robin snaps. “Please leave it alone.”

Rereading the earlier chapters, I’m a bit surprised myself about how bitchy and defeated (?) Robin is. Being possessed by Grima sucks, and so does slowly turning into a dragon-human thing, but wow boi. Normally my characters are more on the “body slam our problems into submission” side of the spectrum. It all works out eventually, but for a while I had to deal with the nasty problem that apparently only the female characters have any of their shit together.

“Blood magic is a sorry inheritance,” his mother said sadly, thumbs rubbing at the brand on his hand.

I hope you all love Modron as much as me, because I love her and aggressively ignore how Nintendo did her dirty by including her as a key character in a whole bunch of fics coming down the pipeline. Though in this particular fic, her presence snuck in while I wasn’t watching, but not enough to recreate the Chrom situation.

The fisherman knocks on the wooden door of his younger brother’s stone house.

I planned on putting a fairy tale of my own creation into every chapter, with each linked in a tangentially narrative way to Robin’s family. Obviously that didn’t happen. This tale was supposed to be involving Robin and two Morgan’s. That plan derailed immediately.

Chapter Three

Robin’s daughter greets Chrom in Chon’sin’s silks and lacquer, the twists of dark purple contrasting her currently golden hair.

I keep making Say’ri a lesbian. That point doesn’t come up in this story, because Chrom wasn’t supposed to take over so much, but Morgan and Say’ri are together by this point, even if that gets muddled a bit by their weird work relation. I’m just saying, like father, like daughter.

And yes, Morgan dyes her hair. This is more established in the remix I wrote out of boredom of yet another chapter of Robin and Frederick yelling at each other in the snow.

“It’s a wonder your wayward mother never tried fleeing the continent all together,” Grima says.

At this point, I just accepted that I had no control over character barging in because they felt like it. Grima kept the story interesting at least, or else this whole plot would have been the slowest, most boring road trip ever.

At the cost of bloating this chapter and shoving out some other content I initially wanted to cover.

Due to Ferox’s waveringly official stance of neutrality, we spent a few years moving back and forth here.

[Cackling laughter]

Lon’qu and Olivia drop unannounced into the unoccupied seats at the table while Frederick and Robin waited for their dinners.

This scene is … weird. A slight mess. Originally, Lon’qu and Olivia had the same level of screen time as Donnel and Nowi did in the first chapter. But I already had the outline sectioned off into five chapters and writing even more scenes on boats was not a good usage of my time. Presumably, the khans got word that Robin and Frederick were back and heading to Valm and since Lon’qu and Olivia were already in the area with the same destination, they decided to do a favor and sent a message ahead.

What are the Ferox kids doing in Valm? Spying Something, wasn’t important.

A hazy memory of before. Sumia stumbles into Robin’s shoulder, the two of them laughing, drunk on wine and mirth.

In my drafts, there’s half of the fairy tale that was supposed to go in this chapter. Sumia drunkenly tells an equally sloshed Robin the story as they stumble around in the castle. It’s a more standard tale paralleling Modron hiding her children from the Grimleal and made much more sense than whatever was happening in the last chapter. Unfortunately, I cut it out because certain parties used up too many words when they weren’t even supposed to appear.

Chapter Four

Chapter four and five were supposed to come out back to back because I assumed I’d have time to write over the holiday break. As we all know now, that didn’t happen, like so many of my plans.

More importantly though, at this point I realized that Robin needed to start getting his shit together, fast.

A beat from Grima’s many wings carried them on the hot winds blowing off the fires below, covering several hours march in a fraction of the time.

This passage from the bad timeline is one of those sections I wrote nearly immediately since it just clicked. (The other significant passage is the final scene.) Honestly though, I was starting to have a hard time not repeating the same imagery and words over and over again. My grasp of English and vocabulary has never been anything to write home about, first language notwithstanding, and I literally had to pull out the thesaurus a few times in the later sections so I wouldn’t keep writing “scream” but completely forgot what other words existed. Linguistics amazes me, but it is so not my department.

Is it anger? Is it despair? Is it exhaustion, ascending to the Exalt’s throne alone, …

How to Tell I Wrote a Section by Hand Rather Than on My Computer: when the sentences get long and on this roll of phrase after phrase after phrase, that’s me with a pen. This whole section from Chrom was handwritten on my then-new iPad to test out some software.

By this point, I accepted that Chrom was just going to Be There and started working on his scenes to also try ramping up the tension in the fic by going backwards in his history to when the grief gets rawer and rawer. you wore out a path isn’t primarily about grief or depression, but some of those beats snuck in?

Chrom is a Mess™ at this point.

They dream feverishly.

What the fuck was this section.

“How am I supposed to keep this army and your father alive if you won’t tell me what happens? You’re one of our greatest sources of information and you refuse to share with anyone. Stop hiding.”

I hate! This dumb trope! Of not sharing info when traveling back in time! What’s the point of time traveling with the express purpose of changing history and then not! Changing history!

I have strong feelings.

By private captain, Robin means pirates. They must find pirates to board with.

This was entirely for my own amusement. There’s no other reason. Another key sign that my characters are getting a handle on their lives is that the writing starts getting snarkier.

Chapter Five

If by some future machination, the count increases to three out of three, he’s going to wholesale stop trusting magical mountains.

Case in point about the snark.

The master revived, the blood burning, the sacrifice slain, the master revived, the lORD, the FelL DRAGON, death, glory, the gOD and its vessel, returned, returned.

It turns out, messing with AO3’s formatting to have some font fun is a pain in the ass involving work skin shenanigans. The picture work skin already failed to do its job, I wasn’t going to wrestle with another skin just for this sentence. How it’s supposed to look:

A good two-third of this chapter just all came at once, in a sudden dash of productive writing. The muses are fickle that way.

Back on the point about how I Did Not Outline, there were a few items I wanted to reappear through the narrative. Elements from the fairy tales come back in this fight, for example. Another point I decided in the fourth chapter when writing the opening scene are the cathedrals.

(Disclaimer: I’m not religious and thus don’t know the full symbolic significance in cathedrals. What I know can be distilled into: You Thought New York Construction Was Slow? and Very Pretty Because Very Important and Yes, The Organ is Behind You and Very Loud. Not a lot.)

“Why do you fight for Chrom?”

Robin getting interrogated on this point keeps coming up in my fics, but the scenes are always fantastic short bursts that are good at breaking up a section that’s been running too long.

Suddenly, Robin is quite literally on fire.

I already drew the picture. The boy’s on fire. There was a good explanation when I first thought this up, but then when it came time to writing the scene, I forgot why, and my outline didn’t have any notes. Bonds? Naga’s flame? Dramatically dissolving Grima’s marks from Robin’s body? All of the above?

“One last tale for the road,” Modron says to her son, …

Modron’s name. I’ve seen people taking cues from Morgan and going with Morgana, but I’m a contrary soul that always resists whatever fandom decides is a good idea. This works out well half the time.

Morgan and Morgana led my brain to the Arthurian legends, and I decided to see what some of those character’s mothers were called. Went to Wikipedia, clicked a bunch off links radiating from Morgan le Fay and somehow landed on Modron? She’s interesting. Nor did I know about the DnD Bill Cipher thing.

Normally, though, I would not have started with a Welsh name. Some of the name choices for Plegian characters have vaguely Middle East origins (which is a completely different discussion about real world politics in that casting decision) and I would have started there.

I’m not a linguist though. Or someone that knows about naming conventions. So.

Now he stands grounded and as well rooted as the Mila Tree, the fire traded for a calm glow and Robin’s so grateful.

And this line here, this line here, is the sole reason I humored Chrom kicking his way into the story. This final scene was one of the first things I wrote after deciding to expand past the first chapter.

Look at these two dumb boys growing up.

In Conclusion

[staring at my file archives]

Have I ever actually finished a multi-chapter fic before?

#long post #i am #wordy #you wore out a path #I like it when people do these these notes/director cuts #so i'm gonna too #fire emblem awakening

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5pmcloudsinberlin · 6 years ago

Text

Iris of All Trades, Chapter 1

Title: Iris of All Trades

Synopsis: When she was ten years old, her best friend saw his mother murdered right in front of him and his father framed for the crime. He believes that his father is innocent, that the man in yellow did it. While her father doesn’t believe him, she does. He is Barry Allen, her best friend, the person who she loves the most in the world. How could she not believe him? And she, Iris West, will always be there to believe in him and help him find the impossible. She just didn’t expect the impossible to find her way before it found Barry, or rather her friend.

Chapters: 1/?

Author Notes: This is my first Flash and WestAllen story so hopefully this doesn’t suck.

Chapter 1

“Daddy?”

Six-year-old Iris West wanders downstairs in search of her father. It’s late and she has school tomorrow but she had a nightmare about a fire and her mother. There’s an empty bottle of whiskey next to Joe’s spot at the dining table.

“Hey, pumpkin.”

He’s drunk. He only calls her pumpkin when he’s drunk. Iris walks towards him cautiously, concern in her eyes. “Are you okay, daddy?”

Joe moves a hand towards her and Iris tenses a bit, then relaxes when he softly cups her face. She knows that he’s never hurt her drunk but something told her that someone else did. Iris closes her eyes for a moment, leaning towards his warmth before opening them. He’s looking at her with a glazed look and a sad smile.

“How could Francine do such a thing when she was with you? How could she be so reckless around you?” What?

“Ira and Nadine would have watched you better,” He continues, talking about her maternal uncle and aunt. “Probably would have loved you better than Francine too.”

What did her mother do that was so reckless? Did she not love her? Was she not good enough for her?

“Although, it depends if you’re smart enough to catch Ira’s attention.” Joe chuckles quietly.

Iris hears it though. She remembers her Uncle Ira, a bit absent-minded during the few times she saw him but kind. He talked a lot about physics. Her family said he was brilliant, his son and her cousin Rudy said that was something she’d never be.

Rudy’s words always stuck with Iris, and now her father’s as well. Quickly, Iris runs back to her room with silent tears and cries. Then a soft warmth surrounds her. It’s comforting, powerful but soothing.

It’s alright, Iris. We’ll protect you.

The voice lulls her back to sleep. The next morning, Joe doesn’t remember a thing. Iris just smiles and hugs her father, keeping what happened and those words to herself.

- : - : - : -

“Hey Iris, I just got off the train at Starling City. It’s actually quite beautiful here, we should visit sometime. Maybe, uh, maybe just you and me? And-and Joe! If he wants to,” Barry says from the voicemail. “On second thought, that might not be a good idea. Especially since I’m not... I’m not supposed to be here right now.” She giggles as she walks to her car, class has ended and she needs to leave.

“Also thanks again, Iris, for covering for me.” The soft change in his tone makes her pause from opening the door. “I know that I came here on a whim to investigate a break-in and it might not be the, uh, the best reason to leave work. But thank you for believing in me and helping me try to find the impossible.”

A warm yet guilty feeling spreads through her once the voicemail ends. Before Iris leaves her parking structure at Central City University, she texts him: No problem, Bear. What are best friends for? Just let me know when you’re on your way back home. I miss you already.

When Barry left, she told Captain Singh and Joe that he caught food poisoning and wouldn’t be able to work for a while. They grumbled at the fact that their only CSI was sick but relented after she said that someone from an external lab could analyze data samples for them while Barry gets better. It isn’t the first time they’ve done it.

The case of files and data samples sat in the back of her car, safely secured as she drives to an expensive-looking apartment complex with a gate and underground parking. A smile grows on Iris’s face, excited and curious to read through the files and see what crimes have recently been committed. She carries her stuff to the third floor, opening the fifth door on the right, roughly throwing her backpack onto the couch and gently placing the case on the kitchen countertop. Her phone buzzes: You’re late.

Shit. Iris rushes to her room of the apartment, grabbing her bag and goes back to the kitchen for the case. She grabs the pocket watch necklace from her neck and clicks the button that opens the cover twice. Instead of its usual mechanical hand-dial clock, it switches to a digital one. She touches the acrylic front gently to allow a holographic screen to appear in mid-air. Iris types in her destination, closes the necklace and presses on the button long enough for it to start glowing. At one moment, she stood in the middle of the apartment, the next Iris stands in a white clear room on a large black platform machine.

Iris walks out of the teleportation chamber, moving onto the hallway and into the command center. Catherine Arcelia Marlowe stands near the monitors, talking to Douglas Parson who is behind the central computers. Her brown hair moves around her enthusiastically as she speaks about the current research project she is supervising. Catherine’s blue-eyed gaze moves from Douglas’s to Iris’ and her expression brightens. “Iris!”

Said girl quickly sets the data samples on a nearby desk before Catherine gives her a tight gripped hug. Douglas rolls his grey eyes and shakes his black hair at them. “You’re late.”

“Class ran late and I literally just got to Max’s apartment when you texted me!” Iris defends herself.

“And where is he?”

“Exam, he’s coming afterward.” Iris places her bag on the desk.

“Fine, now let’s start training.”

- : - : - : -

Iris and Douglas’ gazes continue to switch between watching Catherine, or rather Lady Faith, work through the training simulations that Iris and Max had designed and checking on how her vital signs and overall health are being affected.

“Her pulse and respiration rate just increased, what did she do?”

“She used two abilities at once.”

Lady Faith doesn’t have just one ability, she had multiple. The ability of flight, teleportation, telekinesis, energy projection, and calming aura; although, she doesn’t have the ability of super healing.

“Her body temperature is getting high, I think we’re done with holographic simulations for today,” Douglas says. Iris relays his message to Catherine through her ear communicator within her purple and white supersuit.

The brunette takes off the silver bracelets that help her transform into Lady Faith as she walks out of the simulation room. Beats of sweat run down her forehead as she pants. Even though she has had three years to understand her abilities, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t take a lot of energy out of her. Iris and Douglas walk out of the control room, a towel and water bottle in the former’s hands while the latter leads her to the medical bed. He takes the towel and water bottle to give to Catherine as she sits on the medical bed while Iris gets the first aid kit.

She cleans up and wraps her bruises as Douglas goes over her biometrics from the training simulations. “Your heart rate increased when the ceiling started to collapse, remember to stay calm. Your energy levels started to decrease when you were flying and using energy shields if you use too many abilities at once you would have fainted…,” he continues on.

Catherine rolls her eyes and pouts. “Yeah, yeah, but I still fought them off good, right?”

Douglas chuckles. “Yes, Blue eyes, you did great.”

Iris packs up the first aid kit and leaves the room the moment they start to kiss. She could’ve easily interrupted them, but she has other things to do. She grabs her stuff in the command center and walks down the long corridor, up the stairs, and towards the door that only opens from face and fingerprint recognition. Once given access, she pushes the door open.

Scientists in lab coats and people wearing guest passes surround her vicinity. Iris walks swiftly through the crowd in elegant ease. Some of the scientists greet her as she walks down the halls, up two flights of stairs, and into her lab.

The rest of her time there, Iris reads through the files, learning about the homicides and auto theft, the witness reports, and looking at the size, shape, and overall appearance of the crime scene pictures. There’s a knock on the door as she places a blood sample from a piece of fabric into the centrifuge. “Who is it?”

“Hey Hot Pursuit, you gonna let me in?”

After starting the machine, Iris opens the door and hugs Max Bentley. Despite being younger than her, he is a foot taller and usually misidentified as her brother. She doesn’t really see the resemblance.

“How was your exam?”

“Okay, too many questions in my opinion, but at least they were easy.” He shrugs.

Iris rolls her eyes. “Well not everyone is a genius majoring in computer science wanting to become a software developer like you.”

Max just gives her a cheeky grin. “So how’d Lady Faith’s training go?”

He’s already gone through Catherine’s biometrics with Douglas, so they discuss improvements while Iris goes through her finished DNA analysis. From the apartment homicide case, she had cross-checked with the other samples and concluded that the third roommate was the one who murdered their first roommate Mendoza and framed the second.

Max finishes outlining the different training simulations that they will create next week as she writes out her report for Captain Singh. The one-way mirror windows that surround the building show that it’s dark out as they walk down the stairs. Only a couple scientists and researchers are still at their workstations doing some late night experiments. The few that see them go down to the basement floor don’t say anything, knowing that they aren’t permitted while knowing who is. They’re oblivious to the fact that the basement is the secret base of operations for the working team of Lady Faith.

There’s still three more cases with samples that Iris needs to analyze, but she’s working the closing shift at Jitters and had told her father she would be home afterward. But home is in Central City and Iris is in the Marlowe Research Facility in Janelia City on the other side of the country three hours ahead. Looking down at her pocket watch necklace, the dimness of the clock screen indicates that she needs to add more Barry sand in the back. She doesn’t need to use the Barry sand to get back to Central City, but she’ll need more sand in order to teleport with the necklace again.

Max and Iris stop by the equipment room, storing some black sand into her necklace and some into his watch before saying goodbye to Catherine and Douglas who are talking while on comms. It’s weird how a metal that came out of nowhere can help create a portable, wearable teleportation device, just like the other piece of metal that shocked Catherine and gave her superpowers.

- : - : - : -

They teleport back to the apartment that Catherine leased for Max while he’s studying and as a Central City base to focus on any Lady Faith work without traveling back to Janelia City. She hugs him goodbye, sisterly advising him to study hard before driving to Jitters.

The smell of coffee welcomes Iris the moment she opens the door, relaxing her body and making her smile. It’s her second favorite smell. In the back, her coworkers discuss the rumors that someone might be getting a promotion. Hopefully, it isn’t her.

Despite not being a licensed researcher or scientist, Catherine pays the three of them bi-weekly for working at the Marlowe Research Facility as she is the owner and executive director. Douglas is justifiable because he works security and as her bodyguard (she just pays him more), but Max and Iris are there for Lady Faith work.

Although, Iris has been there from the creation of the research facility and is practically the co-executive director she doesn’t really count it. There are times like today when she uses her lab to run data and samples for the CCPD. Max and Iris’ designs and patents can’t really be paid since working for a superhero isn’t a job that people can know about, but Catherine is stubborn and compassionate and I’m the heiress of Marlowe Industries! You guys are literally my first group of real friends. So goddamn it, let me do what I want!

She also says that she’s paying Iris for writing about her.

When Team LF started, Catherine wanted the secret to remaining between the three (later four when Max found out) of them, so they couldn’t tell their parents or siblings or Barry. It was hard not telling him, especially since Iris would ask him ‘hypothetical’ questions when they were trying to create something. And since he helped create the teleportation sand, it’s only right to name it after him.

But it is not Iris’ secret to tell and what could she say? The piece of metal that gave Catherine her superpowers had vanished once she fainted. There was nothing that could lead Barry towards finding her mother’s killer, yet it was still hard not to tell him. After all, she told him everything.

Iris had asked one of her friends who had recently graduated with a doctorate in psychiatry degree and was doing her residency at the Arkham Asylum in Gotham for help. Harleen Quinzel advised that since she couldn’t speak about it that she could write about it.

“Keep an online diary or write in a journal,” Harleen had said. “That way you can express everything you want about what’s going on.”

And so The Pyxis was born. An anonymous blog that Catherine was aware of and knew that Iris was writing about her alter ego to cope keeping a secret from Barry. What started as a way to release lead to the growth of her desire to seek the truth, writing to an invisible audience with a fierce passion.

///

THE RISE IN CRIME IN JANELIA CITY

Posted on 04/28/20XX @ 15:46

Janelia City is a growing tech hub and constantly have new people moving in to soak up its sources and intelligence. While it’s a great city for people to learn about technology and engineering and chemistry, it is still a city to be cautious of during the night. The increase in people moving has caused landowners to raise the rent and kick out those who can’t afford it.

What choices do these people have left when they’re kicked out onto the streets? While I don’t believe that stealing and going towards a life of thievery is a good way to go, I understand where these people are coming from. But you have to understand that these people are hurt and upset and angry, and they want revenge.

Have you heard of Slipknot? The black-suited man with durable ropes? He used to work for one of the chemical companies in Janelia but lost his job and his home due to new people moving in and needing work and shelter. He’s intelligent, like most of the people in Janelia City, and is the one who created a chemical adhesive that made his ropes indestructible. From the footages and pictures here, it’s easy to tell that Slipknot is a master of using ropes and not afraid to kill anyone in his way.

According to sources close to him, it’s easy to tell that his revenge was focused on his ex-landlord, ex-boss, and the people who replaced him and took his home. Slipknot is one of the many people who has been hurt by the increasing population in Janelia and won’t be the first to enact their revenge. At least Lady Faith seems to be handling them well, a superhuman using her abilities for good.

So to the people of Janelia, I caution you to stay aware of your surroundings and let me know if there’s anything to report on.

Always run towards the truth,

The Pyxis

///

It grew. Her blog grew as she wrote more posts and articles on Lady Faith’s fights with vivid descriptions and background information on the criminals. Douglas and Iris weren’t the best at hacking but knew enough to gain access to the files from the Janelia City Police Department. She would read police reports and rewrite the basic information on the blog, as well as her own sketch of the criminal.

There would be days where Iris would stay in Marlow Research, watching Catherine fight through the footage of the local surveillance cameras on the monitors and give her advice through the communicators on her super suit. Then there were days where she would trail close behind Catherine to take photographic evidence of the battles.

Iris was surprised by the response to her blog, people interested in the impossible superhero fighting intelligent revenge-seeking villains occurring in their city. But then again it isn’t like the impossible and paranoia isn’t happening in cities like Metropolis and Gotham.

It was fascinating finding out about the people Lady Faith had recently found and what their reasons were. It made her blog more opinion than fact when she included possible reasons on why they would do such a thing. But she can’t just write about a person with a fully negative viewpoint, especially when she doesn’t know the full truth. As Sherlock had said to Watson during the Case of a Study in Pink, “It is a capital mistake to theorize before you have all the evidence. It biased the judgment.”

It causes some debate within the comment boards on whether their actions were justifiable or not, but the majority of her readers understand (and enjoy having a chance to name the villain, 78% chose the name Slipknot).

They ask if she’d try to reveal the identity of Lady Faith which she respectfully and strongly admonished saying that she had her reasons and they should be thankful for what she has done so far and not push it. Douglas and Iris tried to create a firewall to protect their site from being hacked, not a strong one but enough that people wouldn’t be able to find her location. Their attempt wasn’t enough and was what caused Max Bentley to become a part of the team.

He was a high school junior when Iris first met him. During freshman year at Northwestern University, one of her science classes was giving students extra credit if they wrote about any of the high school science fairs occurring that week. She had watched him argue with his partner which accidentally lead to a broken project, and had decided to cheer him up. He didn’t have the best situation, a foster child who would leave his foster home once he turned 18 and wouldn’t have enough money to find a place to live or to further his education.

He had found her blog two years later by accident and grew interested in the possibility of superheroes. Originally, Max hacked her site so that she could blackmail the writer into letting him meet Lady Faith. He didn’t know that it was Iris, and he didn’t realize that Iris had known him long enough that she would help him. Now, he’s attending CCU with her while being the computer genius of Team LF.

So technically, Iris has three jobs, wait, well four soon. In a couple of days, she’ll be a therapist intern at the Central City Psychological Clinic about twenty minutes away from campus. Barry convinced her to put her Bachelors in Psychology to use to gain some work experience so that once Iris graduated with her PhD in Criminal Psychology it wouldn’t be too hard for employers to hire her.

She debated on the internship when they discussed it in his lab weeks ago, mostly knowing that it would make her life much busier since being a member of Team LF isn’t exactly a nine-to-five job. But she remembered the smile on his face.

“I feel like a lot of people would be missing out on what you can do, even as an intern,” Barry said. “You’re Iris West, you’re intuitive and you’ve not only helped me but other students in high school cope with their issues and illnesses. You’re always helping everyone and you make everything feel better. You make me feel better, like there’s nothing wrong with me, like I’m not alone, that I have someone to talk to. And talking to you is better than talking to all those psychiatrists Joe made me see.”

Her heart fluttered at his explanation and smile grew on his face just as big as his. Barry’s the reason why she agreed to apply for the internship. He helped her fill out the application and read through her essays and prepare for her interview, and he was there when Iris found out that she got in. The proud look on his face is something she never plans on forgetting.

- : - : - : -

Iris frowns at her phone. There aren’t any messages from Barry. It was supposed to be a quick trip to Starling City to see if the ‘impossible break in’ with the rumors of a man who can bend steel with his hands (although, Iris knows that the man who can bend steel isn’t in Starling City) would help provide clues to solving his mother’s murder. He’s supposed to tell her if he’s staying there longer. There’s a gut feeling that something isn’t right but Iris smiles at her father during dinner and answers vaguely on where Barry is. She texts him her usual Goodnight, Care Bear! And waits for his usual goodnight message but never receives it. Her instincts tell her that something is about to occur, but she doesn’t know if it’s a good or bad thing.

He arrives at the precinct a couple days later when Iris is giving Captain Singh back her completed case reports. Barry rushes over to where they are, about to ramble an excuse but Captain Singh stops him before he can speak. “Good to have you back, Allen! Wonder what you ate that caused you to have such bad food poisoning.”

He gives Iris a confused look as they walk up to his lab. He was gone longer than they planned so she lied about him having a weak immune system and that it took longer for the vomiting and diarrhea to fade away. She also tells him that all of the data samples that he needs to go through were taken to an external lab and are almost done being analyzed (just one more case then she’ll be done).

Barry sighs in relief before talking about meeting Dr Martin Stein on the train back and how they discussed physics and the particle accelerator that is being activated tomorrow. Iris nods at his story, wondering for a moment if Stein knew her Uncle Ira while making sure to not let Barry see that half of her attention is on the messages Douglas, Max, and Catherine are sending her about a possible supervillain. Luckily Joe walks in before Barry notices.

“Barry, there’s been a confrontation down by 13th street. Two dead, one injured. We’re needed at the crime scene. “ Joe says then turns to Iris. “Don’t you have a class starting soon, baby girl?”

“Right, an elective. British Literature, right?” Barry comments.

“Yes.”

It’s an online class but they don’t need to know that. She needs a reasonable excuse for when she needs to go to Janelia City. They exit the precinct at the same time, driving in opposite directions.

“Ok, so apparently this guy is able to use energy projection like me but it seems that he’s able to construct objects out of blue flames as well,” Catherine says when Iris arrives.

She points to the computer at the male figure wearing a cobalt blue super suit with a silver mask. On the screen, he’s confronting the police who are trying to get him to surrender. Blue flames came out of his hands that soon transformed into a sword. When the police began to shoot, he was able to block them with his sword before disappearing.

“How do you guys think he got his abilities?” Iris asks the group.

“Honestly, I have no clue,” Catherine admits.

“Do you think it’s similar to how you go your powers?” Douglas asks his girlfriend. She shrugs.

“I ran a scan and searched through the systems. He’s last been seen eighteen months ago in Kyanite City,” Max states.

Iris looks over to Max’s screen where the man was fighting off the Kyanite City Police Department. There was a close up on him when a bullet managed to strike his arm, but it seemed to quickly heal with blue flames.

“Great, this guy has healing abilities while I don’t,” Catherine grumbles.

“We don’t know anything about him yet guys, this is one of our first sightings of him,” Iris reminds him. “Let’s observe and wait until we know what he can really do.”

The only physical description they have of him is that he’s tall, Caucasian, with brown hair and dark eyes. There were times Iris thought he looked familiar but couldn’t place her finger why. Something tells her that his eyes should be green, but they aren’t.

- : - : - : -

She calls Barry later that night. He talks about how even though he’s glad that Captain Singh didn’t find out and threaten to fire him, her father did. Joe lectured Barry and said that he’s lucky that Iris knew people who worked at an external lab that were willing to analyze data and write reports for free.

“I honestly don’t know why anyone would want to do a forensic scientist’s job for free,” Barry says. “Especially since she does a good job at it too!”

“She?”

“Her handwriting,” Barry states. “It has a feminine touch. Anyways, Singh would not stop gloating about how detailed and on time the reports were. I agree they are well-written when I took a look at them, they kind’ve reminded me of your detailed essays, Iris. With enough experience, she’ll make a great CSI.”

The small bubble of fear when Barry said that her reports reminded him of her disappears into a sense of satisfaction at the rest of his words. There are times when she feels that Barry is too smart to be around her. He would sometimes have to explain in laymans terms, and Iris can’t help but feel like he should be surrounded by people who understand what he’s saying and appreciates him just as much as she does. He deserves someone that he doesn’t have to revise his explanations for.

She takes great pride in knowing that, despite not having a double degree in forensic science and criminology, her self-learning, self-teaching, and self-education for the past couple years have become good enough for Barry’s approval. Training to become an unlicensed professional forensic scientist was hard work, constantly having to double and triple check her work with Abby Scuito, a young intern from her other job that wants to become a forensic scientist. It took a while before Abby told Iris that her casework was professional enough and that she didn’t need to constantly get her approval for everything.

She arrives at the precinct the next evening after a shift at Jitters, two classes, training at the clinic, and a kickboxing session with Douglas. Captain Singh greets and thanks her once again when she gives him the last case report. It was everyone’s assumption that the victim died from inhaling too much smoke but, due to the swelling on her neck and small red spots on her earlobe, there were signs that someone had strangled her then left her there to die. The police will need to cross-check who met with her before the fire and get some fingerprint samples to match the thumb bruise on her neck.

At the corner of Iris’ eye, she sees a man with blonde hair and blue eyes talking to her father and looks away in surprise. No, it can’t be. She shakes her head and thinks about the reasons why the criminal would do such a thing and hopes that the blonde man isn’t who she thinks he is. Walking up to Barry’s lab, he’s on his computer looking at something and Iris smiles, momentarily forgetting everything else. “We’re not going to be late for this particle accelerator thing, are we?”

Barry looks up from his screen and smiles at her. “There’s no way I’m going to be late to something like this. Dr Harrison Wells is going to be giving a speech!”

“Hmm, given your track record you can’t say for sure. Even if said favorite scientist is going to be there,” Iris teases while reaching towards the bag of food on his table. “Are you almost done?”

“Uh yeah, give me a sec.” He pulls out a file and begins to write. “Need to finish this first, and hands off my fries!”

Iris rolls her eyes. “I’m stress eating over my dissertation!” And other things. “If I don’t graduate soon, I’m going to be more muffin top than woman.”

“You look amazing,” Barry compliments before quickly explaining the Mardon brothers robbery and how he found animal feces on the ground to analyze.

“Wow. Usually, you’re more drowned with work.”

“Not always! Plus I think it’s because of that external lab that you have connections to. I didn’t have to worry about any late assignments when I came back. I was able to finish yesterday’s work this morning.”

“See Barry, aren’t you glad you have me in your life to help make it easier?” Iris can’t help but say.

He gives her this look that makes her body shiver in warmth. She’s seen it many times before like when they were in his freshman dorm saying goodbye or during her junior prom. That wistful, rapt expression with his body relaxed as his gaze is fully on Iris. “Yeah, yeah I’m really glad I have you in my life, Iris.”

Not yet, a voice whispers. Suddenly, the intensity of his gaze feels too much for her. A jolt of trepidation runs through her body, and she quickly starts to speak.

“Is this the last report you need to write? Cause we need to leave soon and I’m curious on this atom smasher.”

“Last report, I promise and it’s not an atom smasher. It’s a particle accelerator.” Barry says, rolling his eyes.

There’s a glint of sadness in his eyes that Iris can’t help but feel. “Then clarify it to me before we leave.”

Barry’s eyes light up at the chance of explaining and stats to talk about quantum theory and subatomic particles and electric fields. He’s absolutely adorable with his expressive eyes and fast gestures. Iris understands about half of what he’s saying, a feeling of content as he spoke, happy at the fact that she doesn’t need to ask him to simplify his explanation.

Iris West is not smart enough nor does she know enough science to join our organization.

Doubt runs through her as that thought comes back to her mind after so many years. Even though she doesn’t need him to get her an easy explanation, he could be spending time with someone who could be getting excited with him about the particle accelerator. “You gotta get yourself a girlfriend.”

His face falls a bit and he opens his mouth-

“Leave him alone, he’s working.”

Iris greets her father as he asks Barry for the robbery report on the Mardon brothers. He grabs the file that he had finished writing in moments ago.

“The fecal matter I found was cow manure with traces of oxytetracycline in it. There are only four farms in Central City that still use it in their fields.” Barry hands Joe a piece of paper he just printed. “You should find a pretty sweet Shelby parked in one of them.”

Immediately, Iris grins at her father. “So Dad, Barry just solved your manure problem and this was his last case for today. Think we can head over to STAR Labs now?:

Joe examines the paper for a moment before looking up at them. Barry and Iris smile brightly at him, similar to when they were kids and he found them listening in on his phone calls and police radios or wanted play outside after finishing their homework. Iris gives him her innocent, wide-eyed look, blinking rapidly and he sighs. “Fine, go.”

She kisses him on the cheek as Barry grins and gets up from his seat. “Thank you, Joe!”

He grabs his coat and rushes out of his lab, Iris right behind him. They laugh in excitement as they hurry out of the precinct.

- : - : - : -

Iris runs her hand up and down Barry’s arm as an act of comfort while he keeps the ice pack on the side of his head. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Iris, I’m fine.”

She frowns at him. They’re at the precinct to file a report causing them to miss the particle accelerator from being activated. She moves her hand from his arm to his hair. He cleaned up the blood but there’ll be a noticeable bruise on the side of his forehead for a while. “Just making sure you’re not in pain.”

Barry moves her hand to his cheek and looks at Iris with a soft expression. “I’m fine, Iris. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Her breath is caught in her throat as she looks in his eyes. The same look is in them again. Warmth and unease spread through and quickly leaves her. Iris pulls her hand away and scans the room for a distraction. “So who’s the new guy?”

“He’s a transfer from Keystone City,” Barry says. “Eddie Thawne.”

The name confirms it. Edward Richardson Thawne. She hoped it wasn’t him, but it’s the same man. “So that’s Detective Pretty Boy.”

Barry has a confused look on his face, and she rushes to explain. “That’s what my dad calls him. Says he keeps track of all his arrests.” Iris rolls her eyes.

“He sure is pretty though.”

She’s too caught up on how Eddie’s not going to look so pretty anymore once she’s interrogated him to notice the wounded expression on Barry’s face. Iris turns her gaze back to Barry. “I’m sorry that we didn’t get to see the particle accelerator get activated.”

“It’s alright,” He says quietly. “It wasn’t your fault your laptop bag got stolen.”

“Maybe we could watch the rest of the broadcast in your lab?” She offers.

“Aren’t you tired?”

“Not really,” she shakes her head. “Plus we’re supposed to hang out for the rest of the night, remember?”

“Ok,” he shrugs. “I need to lock up the lab afterward.”

Iris frowns at the wet floor of Barry’s lab. The lightning storm outside pounds heavily against the skylight. Maybe she can leave CCPD a generous donation to upgrade their roof maintenance. Barry turns on his computer to check the coverage on the particle accelerator while Iris checks her phone. Notifications on Superman’s latest battle pops up and she reminds herself to look through them all later and contact her connections in Metropolis so she can write her article on her blog.

She turns to Barry, about to ask if he wants to wait until the storm is over before heading home, but he’s staring intensely at his computer screen. Iris walks over and sees Linda Park reporting live from STAR Labs.

“Officials are now trying to shut down the particle accelerator, but so far, have been unable to regain control of the system-”

Suddenly, the computer shuts down. The sound of thunder brings their gaze up towards the windows where a bright outburst of light is coming from STAR Labs. Knots form in Iris’ stomach, something isn’t right. Then a shockwave of energy materializes, knocking out the lights as it travels through the city.

“The skylight.”

Barry moves from the computer to the chains to close the skylight. Iris walks over to help but pauses when the liquids in the beakers start to float. It reminds her of when the piece of alien metal that caused Catherine to collapse and give her powers had started to float away and disappear.

Barry’s frozen as well, transfixed at the sight. It’s like he’s seen it happen before. The knots in her stomach continue to increase and Iris tries to clear her mind. There’s a lightning storm outside and a shockwave from the particle accelerator was just released into the city and Barry’s standing in the puddle of water, holding an iron metal chain.

She opens her mouth to call out his name but lets out a scream instead. A lightning bolt crashes through the skylight and strikes Barry in the chest, hurling him into the shelves causing chemicals to land on him. “BARRY!”

She rushes to his side, watching as a red bolt of lightning runs through his cheek before fading. She places two fingers near his carotid artery, brachial artery, radial artery. There’s no pulse.

“No, no, no. Not again.” Tears run down her face. “Barry, wake up. Please wake up. Somebody help! Somebody! Anybody! Eddie!”

- : - : - : -

They rush him to Central City Memorial. Immediately, the paramedics take over and Iris follows them. She tries to breathe but images of Catherine screaming and collapsing and Barry getting struck by lightning are coursing through her mind. They bring him to the emergency room with doctors everywhere. It seems like Barry isn’t the only one who got affected by the accident. Iris moves towards Barry, wanting to be next to him, needing to be next to him.

“You can’t be in here,” a nurse says, pushing her out towards the door. Eddie’s pulling her out as well.

“I’m family,” Iris cries out. Her teary gaze focuses on where he is. He’s flatlining. “BARRY!”

“CLEAR!”

- : - : - : -

Cold. It’s honestly so cold. Her body feels numb sitting in the chair, waiting for news on Barry. Eddie pulls Iris into a side-hug, rubbing his hand up and down her arm. She should interrogate him as to why he’s in Central City and not in Keystone City, but now is not the time. Everything around her is moving in such slow motion, the lights keep flickering in and out, she can’t hear anything that the doctors are saying as they pass by, and why is it so goddamn cold in here?

When Joe arrives, he’s soaked and looking frantic and tense.

“What happened? Where’s Barry?”

Iris opens and closes her mouth a couple times, wanting to explain but can’t. She can’t speak. Eddie explains instead. Her father has a suspicious look in his eyes, probably because she’s learning on Eddie’s shoulder. It’s quickly gone when the doctor arrives. Iris stands up.

“Excuse me, do you know this young man?” He asks.

“Yes, yes we do. We’re his family,” Iris immediately says.

There’s a look of judgment in the doctor’s eyes as he looks at them and Iris hides her clenched fists behind her back.

“His name is Barry Allen, I’ve been his legal guardian until he was eighteen,” Joe told him. “Is he going to be alright?”

“We were able to stabilize Mr. Allen at the moment.”

“But is he going to be alright?” Iris repeats her father’s words. The doctor hesitates before speaking.

Barry got struck by lightning. He’s in a coma.

That’s practically been Iris’s catchphrase the first couple days when she goes to Jitters or Marlowe Research or CCU or the psychology clinic. Immediately afterward they give her a sympathetic look and she has to leave the room. Cause she doesn’t need their sympathy, all she needs is Barry to get better.

“Mr. Allen was directly struck by a pre-eminent electrostatic discharge.”

“The electric current is affecting the neurons in his body. The damage makes it hard for him to maintain control of his body since his nerve branches to the spinal cord are impaired.”

“His body needs time to heal from all the damages he took in at such a fast rate.”

Barry needs time to heal his body so he’s in a coma. Barry’s in a coma. Just like Catherine after Iris found her on the basement floor of the abandoned research facility she just bought junior year of uni, surrounded by debris and rubble. It’s why there’s a breathing tube inserted down his trachea to keep him alive and oxygenated. Cause without it Barry could die.

“When he wakes up, there might be a chance that the damages in his nervous system are causing his higher mental functions to be in disarray so he might be a bit lethargic and bemused. There might be a chance of his personality being permanently altered.”

Iris was shaking that night when she heard the news. Her tears kept flowing non-stop and at the corner of her eye, she saw Eddie’s mouth move. Was he giving her words of comfort? Was he asking if she’s alright? Cause no, she wasn't. She wouldn’t be alright until Barry wakes up. Cause he needs to. Cause Iris doesn’t know how she can go on without him.

It’s a struggle for Iris, trying to continue life without Barry’s presence. There are times when she’ll wait during her shift for his visit before remembering that he isn’t coming or when she pulls out her phone to text him something to realize he’s not going to see it.

It’s been a while since she’s felt warmth.

#westallen #iris west #barry allen #iris westallen #barry and iris #joe west #eddie thawne #the flash #westallen au #fanfiction #my fanfiction #iris of all trades

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douchebagbrainwaves · 3 years ago

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THE COURAGE OF Y

And this national standardization of wages was so pervasive that its effects could still be seen years after the war ended. So it's kind of misleading to ask whether you'll be at home in grad school, because very few people are quite at home in computer science. And when the Duplo economy was an evolutionary phase. Though in a sense it's bad news in that you're deprived of one of your most powerful weapons, I think it's exciting that gaming the system stops working when you start a company. When you only have one meeting a day with investors, somehow that one meeting will burn up your whole day.1 I tried to opt out of it, like music, or tea, but I think people who dwell on it are reading too much into it. You can't plan when you start a startup in college. The founders sometimes think they know.2 As little as $50k could pay for food and rent for the founders for a year. EBay didn't win by paying less for servers than their competitors. But most startups that die, die because they were living in the future.

Be a real student and not start a startup at 20 and you're sufficiently successful, you'll never get to do it was turn the sound into packets and ship it over the Internet. You'll probably be talking to several investors and you manage to get one over the threshold of saying yes, it will be better for the people who pay the most for it, is not the hope of getting a better one, and actually did.3 I don't expect that to change. And not just those in the corporate world, but in software you want to work on some very engaging project.4 One advantage of Y Combinator's early, broad focus is that we adjust to however things are, and this bit of the economy were either organized as government-backed cartels or dominated by a few oligopolistic corporations. When we launched Viaweb, it seemed laughable to VCs and e-commerce was all about. In particular, I don't think we'll ever reach the point where much of what they're responding to when they lose interest in a startup, or start a real startup. If it is, it will take to become profitable.5 This too seems a technique that should be generally applicable.

But if you were using the software for them. And one of the original nodes, but by making great products. Maybe if I think more about this I can come up with new ideas is not to try explicitly to, but to be an advantage. Vertically integrated companies literally dis-integrated because it was so rare for so long: that you could make your fortune. But they don't need to become the prisoner of your own expertise, but it can save you from an immediate threat.6 A couple million would let them get office space and hire some smart people they know from school. The place to look is where the line ends. Startup investors all know one another, and though they hate to admit it the biggest factor in their opinion of you is other investors' opinion of you is the opinion of other investors. Not just because of its prestige, but because the principles underlying the most dynamic part of the economy were either organized as government-backed cartels or dominated by a few, giant tree-structured organizations, it's now looking like the economy of the future will be a fluid network of smaller, independent units.7

Most people at the beginning of their career only works if everyone does it. Has it been net good or bad? Be conservative.8 They were the kind of thing is out there for anyone to see. At its best, starting a startup is to try.9 And this rule isn't just for the initial stages. My hypothesis is that all you have to worry about—not even Google.10 The more ambitious merely hoped to climb the same ladder faster. There was no Internet then. But I could be wrong.11 And I think that's precisely why people put it off for as long as they want to start it.12

Basically at 25 he started running as fast as I can type, then spend several weeks rewriting it. The amounts invested by different types of investors vary from five thousand dollars to fifty million, but the people who want to work that hard. An optimism shield has to be pierced too. It was a lot of ambivalence about them, because I tried to opt out of it, you can take your time developing an idea before turning it into a company. But the total volume of worry never decreases; if anything it increases.13 If you looked in the head of a 1950s auto executive, the attitude must have been: sure, give 'em whatever they ask for, so long as the new model isn't delayed. How would the government decide who's a startup investor.14 So any Web-based startup get spent on today? I don't mean, of course.15 That's why there are a lot of the serendipity out of his life.16

That was a social step no one with a college education would take if they could avoid it.17 Deals are dynamic; unless you're negotiating with someone unusually honest, there's not a single war millionaire would be permitted. Don't click on Back.18 There are two main things you can do, but assume the worst about machines and other people. That's not a recent trend; change has been accelerating since the paleolithic era. Icio. The eight men who left Shockley Semiconductor to found Fairchild Semiconductor, the original Silicon Valley startup, weren't even trying to start a startup.19 In the late nineties you could get paid huge sums of money for building the most trivial things. Even Microsoft probably couldn't manage 500 development projects in-house. Do not start a startup, you probably shouldn't do it. Even if you ultimately do the first deal, it will seem to you that you're unlucky. Technology tends to get dramatically cheaper, but living expenses don't.

When things go well you can take your time developing an idea before turning it into a company.20 That sort of thing you can learn more about this I can come up with good startup ideas is to take a step back. I've read that the same is true in the military—that the swaggering recruits are no more likely to discover new things, because great startup ideas tend to seem wrong. The second counterintuitive point is that it's a new messaging protocol, where you either have to spend a lot of subsidiary questions to be cleared up after the handshake, and if the other side senses weakness—if the idea's no good, for example, or the chronic ache of consulting. She assumed the problem was with her. If you work on overlooked problems, you're more likely to get money.21 Individualism has gone, never to return.

So future founders may not have to accept new CEOs if they don't and you stick around, people will pay attention to you, because odds are they'll have to deal with investors while the others keep the company moving forward—releasing new features, increasing traffic, doing deals, getting written about—those investor meetings are more likely to get money. So in a hundred years—or even twenty—are people still going to search for information using something like the current Google?22 And this national standardization of wages was so pervasive that its effects could still be seen years after the war ended.23 A good startup idea has to be treated as a threat to a company's survival. But if you had to change something, what would it be? Or more precisely, new protocols that take off are. Investors' power comes from money. The way to become an expert on startups, but as I explained before, this is not what you might think. He never did any more with his software than talk to his girlfriend, but this apparently verdant territory is one from which few startups emerge alive. Partly because the unions were monopolies.24 You can see why people invent gods to explain it.

Notes

And since everyone involved is so hard on the ability to solve are random, they have wings and start to shift back.

I'm clueless or being misleading by focusing so much to suggest that we know nothing about the right thing. This phenomenon is apparently even worse, they are within any given time I know of no counterexamples, though I think it's confusion or lack of movement between companies combined with self-interest explains much of a placeholder than an ordinary programmer would never guess she hates attention, because the publishers exert so much better is a scarce resource.

Probably just thirty, if the selection process looked for different things from different, simpler organisms over unimaginably long periods of time, because despite some progress in the first person to run spreadsheets on it, is caring what random people thought of them, but except for that reason. The best investors rarely care who else is investing, which in startups. There are some whose definition of property without affecting and probably especially those that made a Knight of the living. The point where it sometimes causes investors to founders with established reputations.

The Mac number is a rock imitating a butterfly that happened to get into that because a quiet contentment. One VC who read this essay, but in practice that doesn't exist. So whatever market you're in the sense that if you have two choices and one of them is that they've already made the decision.

But so far done a pretty mediocre job of suppressing the natural human inclination to say.

This technique wouldn't work for the same trick of enriching himself at the same time. San Francisco, LA, Boston, or Seattle, 4 in DC, 6 in Chicago, 8 in London, 13 in New York the center of gravity of the founders.

In many fields a year of focused work plus caring a lot of people mad, essentially by macroexpanding them. If you have to talk about humans being meant or designed to live in a spiral. A round VCs put two partners on your thesis.

The history of the more the aggregate is what you can often do better, because you could only get in the press or a funding round at valuation lower than the don't-be poets were mistaken to be spread out geographically. It might also be argued that kids who went to Europe. Similarly, don't make their money if they do. The second alone yields someone who's stubbornly inert.

The angels had convertible debt with a company doesn't have to make your fortune? Think it's too hard at fixing bugs—which is as straightforward as building a new airport.

What we call metaphysics Aristotle called first philosophy. But that is exactly the opposite: when we started Viaweb, if I could pick them, initially, to buy corporate bonds; a decade of inflation that left many public companies trading below the value of understanding vanity would decline more gradually.

You have to do as a naturalist. Or a phone, IM, email, Web, games, but one way in which multiple independent buildings are traditionally seen as temporary; there is some kind of work is not a programmer would find it was spontaneous.

When that happens.

That name got assigned to it because the broader your holdings, the underlying cause is usually some injustice that is more of a city's potential as a cold email startups.

The Wouldbegoods. All languages are equally powerful in the imprecise half.

This is one of the optimism Europeans consider distinctly American is simply that it would be enough to defend their interests in political and legal disputes.

I'm not trying to sell something bad can be either capped at a 30% lower valuation. Strictly speaking it's impossible to write it all at once, or b to get a definite plan to have, however, and yet managed to get frozen yogurt.

But not all of us in the absence of objective tests. Economically, the less educated ones usually reply with some axe the audience gets too big for the same, but that we know exactly what they're selling and how unbelievably annoying it is to imagine that there is one resource patent trolls need: lawyers. This includes mere conventions, like warehouses.

If anyone wants.

You could feel like a conversation reaches a certain threshold. 5% of Apple now January 2016 would be lost in friction.

I ordered a large pizza and found an open source project, but I took so long.

Did you just get kicked out for doing so much better that it makes sense to exclude outliers from some central tap. Life isn't an expression; how can I count you in?

Norton, 2012.

A significant component of piracy, which is the last thing you changed. Unless we mass produce social customs. Not one got an interview with Steve Wozniak started out by solving his own problems.

The kind of work into a significant cause, and large bribes by the Dutch baas, meaning master. Incidentally, I'm guessing the next Apple, maybe you don't think you need but a lot on how much effort on sales. The disadvantage of expanding a round on the scale that Google does.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #LA #day #anything #tests #naturalist #sound

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fbis-most-unwanted · 7 years ago

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Things that have happened at the grocery store where I work

a man who would pick up a loaf of bread, inspect it, then throw it onto the ground, adding to the pile of bread on the floor

a man who comes in every Sunday dressed like a pirate

it was warm on Christmas eve, so I wasn’t wearing a jacket. A woman came up to me and said, “merry Christmas, put a coat on!”

a car I see in the parking lot all the time with a bumper sticker that says, “music too loud? 1-800-eat shit” and right below that one, “Ron Paul 2012”

a go cart designed to look like a casket

a cashier went over the intercom and, to the whole store, said, “frito lay-o-lay-o-lay”

at about 7:30 one morning, a manager walked by and said, “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” and then walked away. I didn’t see him again for the rest of my shift

also really early, a cashier was talking to me and a couple other people, the phone at his station rang, he dramatically screeched and sprinted across the store to answer it

the same guy later explained in dissertation-level detail why crystal Pepsi is a good business decision

a woman so high she went up to my coworker, pushing her cart with her items, and said, “excuse me, where are my groceries?”

a man in the parking lot who brought his own gardening shovel and would scoop dirt out from near the trees and throw it in the trash can

a teenager wearing a shirt patterned with stripes made of machine guns

a man wearing a shirt with guns on the sleeves and in cheerful rainbow font read “this is my killing shirt”

several people with guns casually tucked into the waistband of their jeans

a pair of used underwear in a shopping cart left in the darkest part of the parking lot

two shopping carts that have made their way into our collection that are not from our store

an old man buying about six birthday cards who said, “excuse me, I need to put these in the file cabinet” then unbuttoned his shirt, put the cards in, buttoned it back up and said, “okay, I’ll see you in a few minutes” and walked back into the store. I did not see him again

I was outside taking in shopping carts at about 7:30 at night. This guy walks out of the store (he has bought nothing) carrying a basketball and a small tree branch. He says, “do you want to see something cool?” I said sure, and he put the branch in his mouth, started spinning the basketball on his finger then put it on top of the branch and walked away. Almost exactly 2 hours later, I saw him walk out of the store again, minus the branch and still having purchased nothing

This was the Saturday before the election. A man came through my line wearing a make america great again hat and a shirt with the presidential seal with Trump’s face photoshopped over it. I asked him what kind of bags he wanted. He said nothing. I assumed he didn’t hear me, so I asked again. He would not speak to me, but firmly pointed at the plastic bags. He needed help outside, so I said, “I’ll follow you to your car.” He made me walk in front of him so I had no idea where I was going. We got outside, and he spoke his first words to me: “Can you run inside and get me two plastic bags?” I did. When I got back to his car, a woman, seeing the bat signal of two Trump bumper stickers, had struck up a conversation. She asked me, “Are you 21?” I told her I wasn’t, and she said, “Oh, I guess you won’t be able to vote then.” She then went on to tell me, “I told my kids that I’m not going to feed them if they don’t vote for Trump.”

A woman was paying for her stuff with 3 gift cards that were so old the computer couldn’t read them. A manager had to come fix it. The woman said, “This happened last time too. I bought these out of a van.”

The store started playing Christmas music the Sunday before Thanksgiving and did not stop until January. I think I heard two versions of every Christmas song created by human beings, including one version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that, instead of “you’ll go down in history,” said, “play your saxophone for me”.

Right after we got software to read chip credit cards, a cashier was explaining this to a customer by saying, “This way is slower. I don’t know why we switched over. They’ve already hacked it, and pretty soon all our jobs are going to be done by robots anyway. Then the only jobs will be for people to program the robots and it won’t matter because we won’t have jobs and won’t be able to consume, so there won’t be a reason for any of us to be alive anymore.”

a strange man in a suspiciously stained apron pacing around in the back of the parking lot at 10p.m.

There are people who sit in their parked cars staring out of open windows in the parking lot at night for absolutely no reason

a man who said, “do they think this music makes people buy things? Because it doesn’t and it seriously needs to stop.” when asked how he was doing

late one night this guy came through my lane and said, “did you guys see the van?” “what van?” “the van. in the Sprint” when I got off I saw that someone had, indeed, driven a van through the front of the Sprint store at the other side of the parking lot.

at 9:45 one Friday these two girls came in and pointed at a picture in the ad of a bottle of chocolate milk and said, “they’re just like this but 32 ounces and I need 6 of them. They’re on sale for a dollar apiece. I know because my mom was here earlier and bought 10 of them.” That’s 320 ounces of chocolate milk sitting at home and she wants 192 more ounces. I go check, and as I predicted, we don’t even sell them

This old woman was talking to me and said, “I know a Kayla (my name)...She’s a little older than you. She’s with the spiders at the zoo now.”

a woman buying a metric fuckton of gingerbread and pine tree air fresheners on October 26

a man buying tortillas, shredded cheese, and 25 cans of whipped cream

the day I found out the hard way that when lettuce goes bad it turns to liquid

these teenagers who were high out of their minds and walking in slow motion

an old, old man who came in at about 7:30 one morning. the cashier was trying to make conversation and asked him how he was doing. he was not having a 5-star experience and thus began, “I hate shopping this early. I don’t know why I came here, etc. Then when I was leaving my wife asked me to pick up a birthday card. I don’t even know who this card is for, but you know how it is, we can’t say no.” He then turned to me (a female) and the female cashier and says, out loud, “You women are such shrews.”

the enigma that is Serial Killer Jeff

he was a cashier for a few months

he was really tall, had deep-set eyes and bags under them no matter what time of day it was, walked with his head hunched over, had a very quiet monotone voice, always walked with his hands behind his back as if he was at all times ready to be handcuffed, like he knew someone was coming for him

was going to school to be a truck driver

claimed to have once spent 36 hours in the same bar and that he smokes pot with his mom

one time was holding one of those of those grocery dividers and said, “boy, it would hurt to get cracked with one of these.”

we lock one set of doors at 9 (there is a giant sign that says this too). this couple comes in at about 10 to use the machine that counts change and asked, “I know those doors are locked, but can we still get to the change machine?” We said no, but they still went over and tried to open the doors. Jeff leans over and says, cryptically, “You know, this is just like the sign that says ‘Don’t feed the bears’ we all know not to feed the bears, but we have the sign for those high functioning idiots who do it anyway.”

on the 4th of July the pharmacy closed early. when this guy realized it, he yelled “FUCK” at the top of his lungs and then went down the list of every other curse word he knew while running out of the store and throwing open the automatic doors because they were not fast enough for him

I got called down to the customer service counter and the manager handed me a container of mac ‘n cheese and asked me to check the price because there was a man who thought they were on sale for 2/$5 but it rings up as 2/$7. She said, “He’s over there now. You can’t miss him, he’s very tall.” I go back there and discover two things: 1.there is no tall man in sight. 2. the mac ‘n cheese in question is clearly marked as 2/$7. I go back to tell the manager and lo and behold this giant is looming over the counter. I told him the price, and he insisted I was wrong, saying “Just show me the ones that are 2 for $5″ while walking backward away from the counter

we have different bags depending on the time of year. For Halloween, they are orange and say “happy Halloween”. I was told the story of the guy that apparently refuses to have the bags because he thinks Halloween is satanic and doesn’t believe in dressing up in costumes

there is a woman who always insists on bagging her own groceries so she can put one item in each bag and then double or triple bag it. She and her friend come in to the store to walk laps sometimes

on my first day I was getting a tour of the store and we were in the back where one of the maintenance guys said, “Are you new?” I said yes and he looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Run.” I should have listened

on Christmas Eve the manager made me stand outside and tell people we were closed. he then locked the doors, with me still outside

one of the training videos was literally just an infomercial for a boxcutter

It was about to storm one night and I had to go outside to bring carts in. a manager came up to me and said, “If you see lightning, come inside. No one can get hurt if I’m still on the clock.”

one cashier whose personal manga ended up in the backstock cart

this old lady was arguing about the price of a soda and her maybe 8 year old grandson interrupted, “grandma, do you know how long we’ve been here? two hours!” he was right

an old man who approached me 45 minutes into my 8 and a half hour shift and said, “here, for your hard work” and handed me a bag of peanuts

I was outside taking in carts with one of the other baggers. I was going to grab one of the smaller carts that was at the end of the cart corral surrounded by bigger carts. He said, “do you want that one?” I said yeah, and he just picked it up, lifted it over the cart corral, and handed it to me.

one time I was outside getting carts. It smelled like fire, but I couldn’t see smoke anywhere. Periodically, thick black ashes rained down from the sky like some lovecraftian nightmare.

Whenever this one bagger wants the store to get new florescent vests we have to wear when we’re outside, he cuts the straps off of all the ones we have

one bagger (who once made me sort every paper bag in the store to make sure the Christmas ones were on top) stepped away from his register in the middle of a rush to announce to the other baggers, “I just wanted to let you guys know we can wear shorts now. I know they don’t tell anyone, but it’s April 15th, we’re allowed to wear shorts.”

a middle-aged woman who said to the man in front of her in line , “It’s so nice to see a man using the big boy carts!” (as opposed to the smaller carts that are made for when you’re only buying a few things)

a woman who called me over from across the parking lot to hand her a cart that was two feet away from her

#work #stories #work stories #grocery store

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iamcarriesoom · 8 years ago

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Furiouser and Furiouser

After ramping up my interest in and dedication to these movies for the past few installments, my hopes were sky-high for this one. Ridiculous-stunt-wise, it was pretty much on point, but as a whole I was a bit disappointed. Not disappointing, however, are the keywords displayed for this movie on IMDb: car falling off a cliff, star died before release, terrorist, revenge, hospital.

We open on Jason Statham, and my first thought is that I’m gonna need to watch this movie with closed captions on so I can understand wtf he’s saying. He’s chatting with his brother, Gaston, who is somehow still alive (though very burned and in a coma) after being launched out of a burning plane (though technically so was Dom and he basically walked away unscathed. He vows revenge and then blows up a lot of the hospital, which seems like a weird choice considering his brother is there.

Dom takes Letty to Race Wars (OMG how have they not changed the name?) to try to trigger her memories. Based on the crowd there, it is apparent that these movies are 80% about cars and 20% about butts. Speaking of butts, Iggy Azalea has a cameo (more like Ugh-y Azalea, am I right?)

Brian is revving an engine, which, surprise! Is in the minivan he drives now because he’s a boring suburban dad now.

Letty runs off and Dom finds her at her own gravestone. Oof. He tries to smash it with sledgehammer and she’s like “No, it’s accurate, Letty died,” and then she takes off which is way harsh, Tai. I mean I get it, but I still feel bad for Dom.

Hobbs is working late at his whatever-it-is-that-he-does job. I know he must not have a strict dress code at [mystery government agency] but a skintight Under Armor tank top seems like it might be pushing the boundaries? He chases Elena, who works for him I guess, to her car to give her a job recommendation for some other job she wants to take. They have kind of a romantic vibe and if I’m being honest, I ship it. When he goes back in, Jason Statham is stealing info off his computer.

He’s like “I’m here for the team that crippled my brother,” and I have a lot of questions. How did he know to go to Hobbs for that info? How does he know it was a team? When he says “my brother,” how does Hobbs automatically know who he’s talking about?

Anyway, they start beating each other up and I’m immediately not liking the way the camera is moving during all of these stunts. If a guy somersaults and the camera spins with him, it’s like he didn’t move at all. I don’t watch action movies to see a ROOM flip over, I want to see a GUY flip over! I don’t know if it’s easier or harder to shoot stunts like this, but it definitely makes them look less impressive, or makes it harder to see how impressive they are.

Elena comes back to help her boss but Jason Statham throws a grenade and they basically jump out the window to save themselves. People in these movies love jumping off buildings onto the roofs of cars, like car roofs are mattresses or something.

Brian, Mia and Dom are hanging out at home. There’s a package on the porch for Dom, and Brian’s getting their son (Jack) strapped into the car. Apparently he’s restless as a dad because he “misses the bullets” from their adventurous lives, which is pretty fucked up. Mia’s pregnant again and tells her brother but not her baby daddy.

Dom’s phone rings and it’s Jason Statham calling from Tokyo right after smashing Han’s car and leaving it to explode. Dom looks at the package on his porch right when it explodes hard enough to take out half the house. It’s…bonkers. Brian slams the minivan door so Jack doesn’t get exploded, but the blast smashes his head into the window. This is the first of many times in this movie that I wonder “Is this how Brian dies?” I spend most of the movie waiting for him to die.

Dom and Hobbs (who has a surprise daughter!!!!) have a chat in the hospital room where Hobbs is laid up with a couple broken bones, basically the first character to ever have any physical repercussions for all their shenanigans. Hobbs is like “Definitely don’t go after this guy…wink wink wink.” It’s extremely weird that this team of car racing petty thieves is now the go-to group of on-call government assasins.

Dom heads to Tokyo and bumps into Mark Paul Gosselaar Jr racing in the garage. At first I was like “Man, Bow Wow has really aged well, he looks basically the same as he did in Tokyo Drift!” Then I realized it was just literally the scene from the end of Tokyo Drift. That also made it weird for the next, new scene, where Mark Paul Gosselaar Jr ages like 10 years in a few minutes. That must’ve been one hell of a race.

Dom is somehow in charge of bringing Han’s body back to the states to be buried in LA, which I find a little odd- does he not have any [other] family? Dom gives a speech and then leaves the funeral to chase the shady car driving by, which naturally has Jason Statham in it. Jason Statham speeds through a yellow light and Dom is stuck, and I’m pretty sure this is the first time in the entire franchise I’ve seen a character stop at a red light.

They play a weird game of chicken and fucking wreck each others’ cars instead of just shooting each other like gentlemen. Then some weird no-name guy who looks like the dad from Step By Step busts in with a whole bunch of stealth goons and Jason Statham gets away. The guy’s name is Mr Nobody and he’s played by Kurt Russell but doesn’t really look like Kurt Russell. Other people up for this role, according to IMDb: Denzel Washington, Halle Barry, Taylor Lautner. What did that casting call even say?? “Character description: a human, probably”?

Mr Nobody loves Belgian beers and wants Dom to find a hacker named Ramsey who’s built some sort of software called God’s Eye, which is basically a suped-up version of that thing from The Dark Knight where they use cell phone cameras to spy on the world. I don’t think any facial recognition software that fast/accurate exists, but sure ok whatever. A warlord has kidnapped Ramsey and Mr Nobody wants Dom to double-kidnap (rescue?) her and in exchange, he can use God’s Eye to find Jason Statham and murder him to avenge Han.

Honestly, Mr Nobody is such a weird character that I assumed he was a secret bad guy for most of the movie even though he said he was friends with Hobbs. Much like I also thought Han was a secret bad guy for most of Tokyo Drift. They keep throwing these mysterious benefactors at us with no explanation and I can’t help but assume they have ulterior motives!

Mr Nobody basically fucks a keg of Belgian ale and then invites (forces? this isn’t clear) Dom’s whole team to come help. Including Letty, even though she took off. Tyrese takes solo credit for everything they’ve ever done and tries to be in charge, but then Tej comes up with the ultimate plan, which ends up being to parachute in their cars out of plane in Azerbaijan. My notes just say “WHAT THE FUCK.”

The plan surprisingly ends up mostly working- they have to bust through a lot of armored jeeps with machine guns, and a heavily armed bus, and somehow Jason Statham is also there driving a sports car through the woods. Brian’s in charge of getting Ramsey (who I briefly also thought might be a secret bad guy) off the bus. Surprise: Ramsey’s an attractive young woman! Whoa! Women know how to use computers? That’s nuts. Brian basically chucks her onto the hood of Dom’s car and is like “you deal with this” and goes back to fighting a highly trained martial artist and matching him punch for punch. When did he become an MMA fighter?

Brian accidentally shoots the bus driver and the other guy traps him on the bus as it’s about to go off a cliff. Without a fully fleshed out plan, Brian climbs out the front door of the bus, precariously hanging over a cliff, climbs up it, and then runs up the bus as it’s falling off the cliff and launches himself at Letty’s car as she drives over to rescue him. It’s such an insane plan, I can’t believe that’s not how he dies.

Dom basically drives off a cliff with Ramsey in the car and they roll down a mountain and somehow find everyone else. Tyrese immediately starts creeping on Ramsey like “she doesn’t LOOK like a hacker!” Tej is like “What to hackers LOOK like?” THANK YOU TEJ. I hope Ramsey picks no one, but if she picks someone I hope it’s you. Brian is apparently also an EMT now because he starts asking Ramsey questions to make sure she’s not a concussion.

They head to Abu Dhabi to pick up “the device” for God’s Eye, which I thought was a program, because Ramsey sent it to her friend for safekeeping. When they get there they apparently have time to take a swim, where Tyrese gets that gem of a line “It’s hotter than I thought it would be.” Twist: he is not talking about the desert, but about Ramsey’s smoking bod! It’s funny when women are referred to as “it”!

Ramsey’s shit-ass friend is like “Great news! I sold it!” Who are you, the mom who sold her kid’s $5000 Magic card because he left it in her house? JFC dude. He agrees to get them into the party of the super rich guy who bought it, and believe it or not this guy put the device in his fancy sports car.

The gang gets to dress fancy and Dom and Letty have a Moment in the elevator where she starts to have flashes of memory. They have to sneak into a few different places and get the device out of the car without getting caught by this guy’s fancy all-lady security team, including UFC fighter/terrible actress Ronda Rousey. Brian and Dom get to the car and the plan is for Dom to just lift the car with his arms while Brian slides underneath to get the device. Somehow this takes about nine years.

The gang starts to get found out so they just hop in the car and crash through the party, right when Jason Statham shows up and starts shooting. It seems like a waste that they agreed to risk their lives to find Ramsey in exchange for using God’s Eye to find Jason Statham if he’s just gonna show up everywhere they go anyway.

They end up driving the car out of the penthouse apartment and into a building next door, where they smash a bunch of terra cotta warriors. I really hate when antiquities get smashed in movies. I did not care for that scene in The Core when they blew up the Coliseum. Leave antiquities alone!! They drive through some more buildings and Brian rips the device out of the car from inside it, and they manage to bail right before the car plummets to its death.

They do not explain how everyone else managed to get out of that fancy apartment without getting shot by Jason Statham or put in Abu Dhabi prison, but they do at least kind of try to explain how God’s Eye words. They find Jason Statham, and Dom and Mr Nobody start coming up with a plan to take him out. Dom’s like “My guys are racers, not killers.” Dom, since when has that mattered to ANYONE. They’re also not detectives, computer experts, safe crackers or martial artists, but that hasn’t stopped them from being masters at all of those things!

Brian and Dom, plus Mr Nobody and his team, take off for another quip-fest at Jason Statham’s warehouse. Jason Statham brings in the warlord who originally kidnapped Ramsey, and his whole team, and I’m fairly certain this is the scene where Brian is going to die.

Mr Nobody gets shot, and Mr Nobody’s number one dies. Dom and Brian drag him out of there, they lose God’s Eye, and as it turns out Mr Nobody isn’t even dying. They abandon him by the side of the road (he had a helicopter coming but it still felt kinda cold) and head back to the gang to figure out what’s next.

Dom is gonna find Jason Statham (bad guy #1), and the rest of the gang is gonna roam the city so Ramsey can counter-hack God’s Eye to shut bad guy #2 (Djimon Hounsou) out. I feel like law enforcement definitely should’ve been trying to do something about Djimon Hounsou’s chopper with the torpedo drone. As should be expected, they’re making a big fucking mess and Hobbs sees it on tv. I kind of forgot that he wasn’t in most of this movie.

Hobbs is like “Daddy’s gotta go work” and flexes so hard his cast breaks off. This is not an exaggeration like when I said Mr Nobody fucked a keg of Belgian Ale. This is an actual thing that happened in the movie.

Dom meets Jason Statham on a rooftop and they start wailing on each other with wrenches. We already know Dom beat a man halfway to death with a wrench, so I like his odds here.

Brian has to break into a cell tower to do something so Ramsey can keep hacking. I feel like there’s WAY too much going on in this movie. He has to fight the same henchman he fought on the bus, which I always like. I like when each protagonist has their own henchman adversary through the movie and it’s like “Oh, you again.” Once again I’m sure this scene is how Brian dies.

Hobbs jumps an ambulance off a bridge to take down Djimon Hounsou’s torpedo drone, then he rips the machine gun off of it and carries it around with him to try to shoot down the helicopter. Somehow Brian gets the cell tower to do whatever he was trying to do, and Ramsey’s 80% complete hack just finished up without having to start over. I don’t think any of this is how computers work?

Dom and Jason Statham are still wrenching each other and yet neither has any major damage. Dom’s like “The thing about street fights, the street always wins, “which is probably the dumbest line in the whole movie. He basically pushes Jason Statham into a crevasse in the crumbling parking garage and jumps his car at the helicopter to deliver them a bag of grenades, which Hobbs shoots with his machine gun and takes the whole thing down.

Dom absolutely should not have survived that, but the team rushes around and Brian gives him some extremely terrible CPR, and Letty gushes about how she remembers everything. Surprise! They’re married. No one even knew! She wore a surprisingly feminine wedding dress. He comes back to life and they’re in love again.

Somehow Jason Statham survived and is in jail now, but is surprisingly cocky about his escape plans.

Everyone else goes on a beach vacation (or maybe just to the beach, they do all live in LA.) Ramsey’s just…in the family now. Did she not have a life or friends to go back to from her pre-kidnap days? They’re all creepily watching Brian and Mia play with Jack on the beach.

This is where the movie gets fucking weird. I don’t know if this is an unpopular opinion, but the end of this movie is Bad. They’re all extremely emotional about Brian being “home” and how “it’s never goodbye.” I understand that they’re symbolically saying all that about Paul Walker, the actor, who died, but the character, Brian, is alive. We’re still in the movie world! You can’t start the in memoriam for the ACTOR while the movie is still happening!

Dom takes off in his car, but then Brian pulls up to him at a light and they race for a little while and then go their separate ways, and also a bunch of old clips of Brian from the previous movies play with a light Wiz Khalifa soundtrack. It made me questions whether I’d missed something or if they were implying Brian was a ghost. Maybe this would’ve all made more sense if I’d seen it closer to when he actually passed away, and not the day after I was tweeting how creepy it was that he met his girlfriend when he was 33 and she was 16? I’ll never know. I do know that I definitely thought that Brian would die when Paul Walker died, and I enjoy that they let him live, elsewhere, on a beach with Mia and their kids. Have a nice life, Brian.

Previously:

Vol 6: Planes, Tanks & Automobiles

Vol 5: 5ast 5ive

Vol 4: Fast & Fourious

Vol 3: What’s even the point of driftng?

Vol 2: 2 Furious 2 Quit

Vol 1: The Fast & the Curious

#the fast and the furious #furious 7

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frankensteinsmobster · 8 years ago

Text

The Stalker

Louella Reed lives in the apartment next to mine. She can’t be older than twenty five, but she has an old woman’s name. I want to call her Lou, but it just doesn’t suit her.

She keeps her strawberry blond hair tied up in a chignon even when she’s in a t-shirt and sweatpants. She stands straight baked, regal, and modest. Like one of the models in those old Victorian portraits. Her eyes are the palest gray I’ve ever seen, like clouds before a light drizzle. Almost white.

When she first moved in I just watched her as much as I could. I studied her mannerisms until they were embossed on the surface of my mind. She only leaves her apartment about three times a week. The walls in this old building are thin as cardboard, so I can hear when she goes out. I don’t think she even has a job. She goes out at around nine dressed to party, her eyes shining with hunger for a good time. She gets back in the early hours of the morning, but she’s never alone.

Louella is always accompanied by a young man or woman, and the person is always completely drunk off their ass. I can guess what the two of them get up to once they’re inside, but I can’t hear a thing when I’m leaning up against the wall of my bedroom that faces her apartment.

It’s nice that she’s willing to accept anyone.

Anyone, that is, who isn’t me.

The first time I asked Louella out for drinks she offered me nothing but a lighthearted shrug of her shoulders a bell-like giggle.

“I’m actually not much for drinking. Alcohol doesn’t really do anything for me.”

So she goes out on the town and hangs out with drunk people, but doesn’t even drink herself? I don’t buy it. But I’ve been blown off by beautiful women before, and I don’t know why I thought she would be any different. For now all I can do is watch her when she comes home and think about what could have been.

I’m finishing up my bowl of frosted flakes for the morning when there’s a knock at my door. I make the idiotic decision to keep eating and maneuver the door open with my elbows. Unfortunately Louella is standing there when it swings open, chewing at her bottom lip and studying her fingernails. My mouth drops open. The spoon drops to the floor with a clatter so loud I immediately cringe.

“Hey.” She grins. My stomach flutters. “Um…Chance, right?”

My name is Chris, but I’m not about to correct her.

“Yeah. You’re Louella, right?”

I haven’t fought this hard to keep my voice from cracking since I was a teenager.

“You can call me Lou.” She chuckles, and leans up against my door frame. I don’t want to tell her that I’d rather call her Louella. “Listen, I know we haven’t talked much yet. Or, well…at all, really. So if you’re uncomfortable with this just let me know.”

I’m suddenly aware of the ringing in my ears I can tune out most of the time. Is this really happening? I lean forward just slightly. I can’t help it.

“I can’t get my computer to work at all. It keeps freezing up. I was wondering if you could come take a look at it.”

Shit.

I try not to let my disappointment show on my face. I nod, my grin strained. I tell her that I get off of work at five and will come over to her apartment at five thirty. She agrees and is gone before I can even nudge my door shut with the hand that isn’t holding my bowl of cereal milk.

—

I arrive at the restaurant where I bus tables and slip into my apron, but I can’t shake Louella from my mind. Her skin I’ve only seen but never touched. Her home I haven’t seen, let alone entered. This afternoon I’ll be standing right inside her living room. Hell, I might even get into her bedroom if that’s where she keeps her computer.

I almost drop a stack of places while I go over the situation in my head. I fidget more than usual, and I usually fidget quite a bit. But it doesn’t matter. By the end of the day I’ve made up my mind.

This is an opportunity I can’t let go to waste.

—

It’s not quite 5:30 when I get home. I rush straight to my room and start tearing apart my drawers until I find the little black USB stick I created months ago in case I ever gathered up the nerve to use it. I’ll have to hurry or I’ll end up throwing all of this hard earned nerve right out the window.

I’m standing in front of her door with my fist raised ready to knock when it swings open before I get the chance. I jump a little bit and yelp. Louella grins up at me, her eyes flashing. I guess she saw that. No time to readjust myself and try to look like a badass.

“Hey! I heard you coming.” She says, and steps aside to let me in. I blink. Heard me coming? These walls are thin, but I don’t think I was being that loud.

I shake my head to get rid of the thought and take in the sight of her apartment. It’s much more…populated…than my own sparsely decorated bachelor pad. Her furniture looks antique, almost old. Her coffee table has clawed feet. I have to wonder how many mugs have sat on its tarnished surface, or how many people have napped on the rustic brown sofa. I don’t see her computer. Unless she has a dedicated computer room, there’s nowhere else it could possibly be but—

“The computer’s just through here. In my room.” She calls from the hallway. I swallow and grab the USB stick in my pocket with my sweating palms. I hope she doesn’t hover over me while I work.

Louella’s room is the only bedroom, just like in my apartment. She stands at the doorway while I sit down at the computer—a two year old Hewlette-Packard machine with decent enough specs for someone who’s just going to use it to go on Facebook and watch Youtube videos. Her desktop doesn’t look too cluttered. That’s not what I usually expect when I get asked to fix a computer. People don’t realize the problem is almost always the half gig of adware they’ve downloaded, and that removing all of it doesn’t make me a computer genius. Honestly? I don’t even know how to open up the command prompt.

“I’ll leave you alone so you can work. Come get me if you need anything, okay? I’m going to be in the living room.” Louella flashes me a smile and then she’s gone.

Christ, I can’t believe my luck.

Before I do anything else I’ve got to download a free antimalware program. She wasn’t kidding about the thing freezing up. I spend a solid two minutes twiddling my thumbs and dicking around on my phone while I wait for the web browser to open. Halfway through the download it stoops responding and I end up nuking it from the task manager and opening the browser all over again. I lose track of how long it takes to actually get the thing downloaded and run a scan, but it ends up finding three Trojans and a worm. Once it’s gotten rid of them I uninstall the antivirus software immediately.

I don’t know if it would have been able to find my little surprise or not. Like I said, I’m really not as good with computers as people think. But I’m still not going to take any chances, because what I’m about to do might get me put in jail.

I slide the USB stick into the port and navigate to the drive in the computer’s file system. Then I click on the executable and wait for it to run. If the guy I bought this thing from wasn’t lying that should be all I have to do. I eject the USB and slide it into my pocket, my fingers shaking. A quick restart of the computer is all it takes to confirm it’s running good as new. I force a neutral expression onto my face before going into the living room to tell Louella the job’s done.

“Oh, what was the problem?” she asks. She gets off the couch and raises an eyebrow to feign interest—something I’m used to seeing people do.

“You had a couple of viruses.” I explain. “I got rid of them, so everything should be fine.”

Louella cocks her head to the side like a puppy does when it’s confused. “Viruses? Like a human would get?”

I’ve honestly never heard of someone who didn’t know what a computer virus was, so it’s hard to not sound taken aback. “No, not at all like that. Not entirely anyway. It’s…hard to explain.”

Mostly because I don’t really know what the fuck I’m talking about, myself.

And, because I’m a jackass with no filter at all, I decide to tell a condescending joke before I can stop myself.

“Don’t worry though. You won’t catch it yourself.”

Way to go, dickhead. Girls love being talked down to. She’ll totally bang you now. Ugh.

Surprisingly, Louella just chuckles. Something strange flashes in her eyes. She looks like someone who’s remembering an inside joke, and I’m not sure I like how it makes me feel. Just…all wrong inside.

“Not a problem for me at all, dude.” She says, winking.

I chalk it up to the weight of what I’ve just done finally settling in when all at once I want to head for the door as quickly as possible.

“Well, I’d better get home and start dinner. I have work early in the morning.” I say with a nervous laugh.

I don’t have work until tomorrow afternoon, of course. Judging by the amused smirk Louella throws my way, I think she knows.

She doesn’t say anything else to me, so I just turn around and shuffle out the door. As soon as I’m in the hallway I feel like someone just removed a metal rod from my spine. Louella had never made me feel so on edge before. This was the longest I’d ever talked to her, of course. Maybe this is what large doses of the girl felt like. Like I was a rabbit, and I had been talking to a wolf.

I shake my head. I can’t believe that’s where my thoughts are wondering when I’ve literally just uploaded malware onto the girl’s system.

God, I’m such a creep. I should be ashamed of myself.

But I’m not.

————

Making dinner (if you could call instant Ramen with frozen vegetables that) helps take my mind off of what just happened and what I did. Well, it does until I’m sitting down to eat, that is.

Should I wait a few days before I try and see anything on it? If I uploaded it right she shouldn’t be able to tell when I’m watching. I don’t think so, anyway. I still haven’t gotten over the jitters and sense of regret I have in hindsight.

My question is answered for me later that night. I’m leaving my apartment at 2 a.m. to get fast food dessert (sad, I know) when I see the elevator doors open. Louella crosses the threshold supporting a stumbling and completely wasted young blond woman about her age. I duck back into my doorway before she sees me, my stomach shriveling up like a dead roly-poly.

This is the exact situation I dreamed of when I bought that spyware. My last minute regrets can only stop me for so long. If I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it.

I shut my front door softly so it barely even makes a click, and then lock the deadbolt and chain for good measure. After a few seconds of deliberation I run to the computer in my bedroom as quietly as I can manage. I hold my breath as I turn my computer on and open up the other end—my end—of the program I put on Louella’s computer. While it’s still loading the thought occurs to me that she may not even have her own computer booted up. Some part of me secretly hopes that’s the case.

But when it isn’t, and I’m greeted by a video feed of her bedroom, I’m obviously not disappointed. Before I have time to process that this actually worked, the door to Louella’s room swings open and she strides in carrying the drunk girl from before bridal style as if she only weighs as much as a pillow. She lays her down on the bed and walks in front of her computer to shut the door. I almost duck beneath my computer as she does so like an idiot before I remember that the software doesn’t go both ways. Or at least it shouldn’t.

Louella creeps toward the blond lying on her bed and straddles her. I can’t help but notice that the girl isn’t just barely moving, she actually isn’t moving at all. I can’t tell if she’s just had too much alcohol or she’s been given something else. I frown, concerned about consent, before I realize how ridiculous it is for me to ask that question while watching the two of them through a hijacked webcam. I’m debating just closing the thing out and going to watch TV when I notice something else.

That isn’t a comforter on top of her bed. It’s a tarp.

Louella’s entire head is a blur as she ducks down and plunges her teeth right into the girl’s jugular. It happens so fast I barely even register what I’ve seen . My jaw just hangs open. Blood gurgles out from underneath her teeth before disappearing as she sucks it up into her mouth. Literally. Sucks up. The girl’s. Blood.

My chest aches like someone’s squeezing my heart so tightly it can’t even beat. Like anyone else, I talk shit at people in horror movies that just stand there like idiots, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel like I’m made of wax right now. When I was trying to figure out whether or not I should do this at all my hands shook so badly I barely managed to turn on the computer, and yet as I watch this scene unfold I’m frozen. Shit, am I really even seeing this?

The blond girl on the tarp grows paler, but Louella doesn’t even come up to breathe. Why the hell did she even put that tarp down? She’s sucking up every bit of blood that comes out.

I catch sight of her eyes and cover my mouth with both of my hands to stifle a shriek. Louella seems miles away from any semblance of humanity, her eyes burning with predatory rage I’ve only seen on nature shows. There’s something about that look on a human face that rubs me all kinds of the wrong way.

My stomach rolls inside my diaphragm. My teeth dig into my tongue. I can’t even feel it in my mouth anymore. I don’t know if this thing doesn’t have sound or if Louella simply has her microphone turned off. Thank Christ for it, whichever one it is.

The girl still doesn’t even twitch. I don’t care how drugged someone is, there is no way this bullshit won’t wake them up. It doesn’t matter. Even as Louella detaches her maw from the girl’s neck and straightens up, she stays as still as midnight.

She’s dead. She has to be. I force down waves of nausea as Louella scrubs the blood from her mouth and then licks it off of her ands. Then my eyes fall on the blonde’s neck. How ripped open and mutilated it is, and how I can’t tell where te blood ends and the flesh begins. I can’t help but let out an involuntary, half-stifled, warbling shriek.

Louella’s head snaps to her right—the direction of my apartment in relation to her room—and her eyes are smoldering with fury. Ghostly claws clutch at my heart again. How did she hear that? How the hell did she hear that?

She bolts from the room like a jungle predator moving in for the kill. Instinct yanks me to my feet and to my front door less than a quarter of a second later. I get it locked, but as soon as I finish bolting it someone pounds on it from the other side. I jolt away from the door. I can feel my pulse throbbing in my throat in the following silence. I wait for another series of knocks, but they never come.

Is she gone?

I stalk back over and push my eye up to the peephole.

Louella stands inches away from the door, her eyes howling black voids and her bloody mouth stretched into an inconceivable grin. Her canine teeth, stained pink, protrude into carnivorous fangs.

Did she always have those?

I’m sure she knows I’m looking at her right now.

“Let me in, Chance.”

I start backing away. It feels like I’m wading through jell-o. She knocks again, three times, very deliberately. I dish off in the direction of my room. I shut and lock that door too, but it still feels like she can see me. I scramble into the far corner of my room and crouch down there with my hands clamped over my ears. I can’t hear anyone knocking from this far into the apartment, but I don’t want to take any chances in case she decides to keep it up. Surely she won’t stay out there all night.

She doesn’t want someone to see her, does she?

I blink, and when I open my eyes again rays of sunshine are streaming through my bedroom window. So I did manage to fall asleep. After listening for a few minutes to make sure everything is quiet, I shuffle to my feet and slink out into the rest of my apartment.

The digital clock on the microwave reads 2:01 p.m. That’s understandable. I can’t even remember when I actually did pass out last night. I have work at three, but I don’t even want to think about going out into the hallway.

I make way for the door and check the peephole again. Nothing. Then I unbolt it and open it just a crack to look up and down the hall in both directions. Nothing. And no body.

I’m not leaving for work at all if there’s no one on the floor when it’s time to leave at 2:30, but I go inside and get dressed for work all the same after bolting and locking the door again.

I check the hall once more when it does come time to leave, but it’s still empty. Shit. I’m going to be late if I even make it in today at all. I stand with my back to the door and listen for several minutes, eventually sitting down when my legs get tired. If nobody else comes by before 3:30 it will make me an hour late for work, so I might as well just not go.

A door opens and closes somewhere to my right. The opposite direction of Louella’s apartment, thankfully. I scramble outside, lock my door with shaky hands, and rush to fall in step behind my neighbor before e gets to the elevator. He doesn’t notice how closely I’m following him. I’m grateful. Once I get out on the street I call my boss to let her know I’ll be late, but that I’m on my way.

I made it today. I won’t even think about what I’m going to do tomorrow, or even tonight. Not right now, anyway.

—

The past week of my life has been a living hell.

I won’t go into the main hallway at all unless I know there’s going to be someone in it with me. I’ve been late for work every day this week. There were two days where I didn’t even go at all. When I get back to my building I wait at the front door for someone from my floor to walk in so I know we’ll both be in the hall at the same time. There have been nights when I’ve waited outside until past midnight just to see a familiar face. What happens if one night nobody comes out? Am I just going to have to stand on the street until morning? Will Louella come out to get me if the street goes empty?

She came out one night and even locked eyes with me. Her first night out since I saw her mutilate the blond girl. She smirked at me, but she didn’t say anything. Didn’t even approach me. There were other people standing on the street, so that must have been why. Too many witnesses. I know she has it out for me now.

If I get close enough to my front door in the early hours of the morning before the sun rises I can hear her outside talking to me from the hall.

She asks me to let her in. All night long, I think. I don’t stand there to make sure, and I definitely don’t look out the peephole anymore.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I simply want you to allow me to explain.” She’ll say, or something to that effect. Bullshit. I’m not ending up like the girl on the tarp in her bedroom.

I can’t even get a break from her when I’m at work or when I go to the store. Or at least…I don’t think I do. I stick to crowded places, but I’ve noticed that everywhere I go when I’m out in the city during the day I see a person in a hoodie who’s about her height.I know I don’t have any proof that it’s her, but it’s a pretty big coincidence that I always see them. Even if it’s only out of the corner of my eye.

I can’t see their face because they’ve got the hood pulled forward way too far. Why is she following me? I she worried I’ll go to the cops? She has to know better than that. What would I tell them? That I hacked my neighbor’s webcam so I could see her naked and then watched her suck every ounce of blood out of a girl’s body through her neck like she’s been doing it her whole damn life? She can’t be that dumb. She must want something else with me.

I picture the blond girl’s dead, ashy skin and murky, lifeless eyes. I’m pretty sure I know what it is.

It’s late Friday night when she stops just begging me to let her in and starts knocking on my door again. She’s been going at it for an hour now. How is nobody else hearing this?

What if they already know and they’re all scared of her? She was strong enough to carry a girl at least the same size as herself. That might mean she’s strong enough to break down my door and just hasn’t yet.

I go to my front door and rest my forehead against it. As soon as my skin touches the wood her knocking stops. My throat might collapse in on itself. She’s obviously some kind of vampire or demon. Can’t those things not come into your house unless you invite them in?

It sounds crazy, but so does the idea of a human draining every last drop of blood from somebody in under two minutes. If that little tidbit of folklore just so happens to be true then I’ll be fine as long as I stay in my apartment.

But I can’t live like this forever. I can’t make the rest of my life revolve around not being somewhere alone where she can grab me. Maybe she really does just want to explain. Maybe if I do let her in we can work things out and I can go back to my life.

Or maybe she’ll rip my throat out.

I mean, either way this will all be over.

Jesus Christ.

#horror #blood #gore #short story #vampires #writing #long reads #horror short stories #my writing

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samanthasroberts · 7 years ago

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5 Weird Questions With Surprisingly Interesting Answers

Ever had a weird, dumb question pop into your head for no reason? You know there’s an answer out there somewhere, but it’s not so important that you have to drop what you’re doing and research it right goddamn now. Well, I’m one of those weirdos who has to have these questions answered right goddamn now, or they will gnaw at my brain until it catches on fire from eat-friction. Unfortunately, I get those all the time. Fortunately, I can at least weave them into my career and educate the world in a way they never asked for in the process. For example …

Why Is The McFlurry Machine Always Broken?

A little over half of my attempts to get a McFlurry have been denied. If the McDonald’s employee had squeezed my love handles and made pig sounds, then this wouldn’t be such a mystery. But instead they give an explanation that perfectly tows the line between useless and substantive, forcing me to give up and screech away from the drive-thru in a huff. They say the McFlurry machine is “down.” The damn thing breaks more often than a former child actor with a heroin addiction. I guess McFlurry machines are planks of balsa wood barely held together by the faint hope of being able to actually dispense a McFlurry one day. They’re piles of substandard materials and glue and dreams.

Turns out McFlurry machines aren’t so much poorly built hunks of shit as they are filthy, disgusting vats of bacteria which require daily cleanings so vigorous and time-consuming that it probably isn’t even worth keeping them on the menu. We should’ve known that coming into this, though. Of course the machine that distributes the tastiest things in the world would be literal swamps.

Every day, the machines have to go through a four-hour heat-cleaning cycle that’s broken down into 11 parts. The process involves, among many other steps, “combining a sanitizing mix with warm water, removing and rinsing seven parts, brushing clean two fixed parts for 60 seconds and wiping down the machine with a sanitized towel.” When your entire business is based around “We get you your food before you’re even done saying your order,” this is definitely a McFlurry wrench in the Value Meal gears.

They have to strip the entire machine down to its atoms, scrub each nucleus with a fine sasquatch-hair brush, then jigsaw puzzle that shit back together like a soldier reassembling a rifle to rebuild a device nearly as deadly. The cleaning process is usually triggered during off-peak hours, or whenever the drive-thru employee sees me pull in.

But none of this is to say that McFlurry machines aren’t poorly built hunks of shit, because they are. One McDonald’s franchise consultant conducted a study which showed that there’s a 25 percent chance that if a McDonald’s isn’t serving ice cream or ice-cream-related menu items, it’s because the machines just stopped working like they’re also getting paid minimum wage.

There is some good news: McDonald’s has heard the complaints, and they’re finally going to replace the old, busted-ass McFlurry machines with ones that don’t come with self-destruct buttons.

Can Insects Get Fat?

I’ve seen mosquitoes get fat off my blood and then had it turn into a crime scene when my delicious juices exploded everywhere with a smack. I can see their asses get plump with every gulp. But that’s not the mosquito technically getting “fat” — it’s the equivalent of having a distended belly after a big meal. But are there flies out there having trouble dragging their saggy bug tits and double chins around after munching on discarded pastries? Are there ants feeling shame as they look at their expanding thorax in the mirror after eating a dropped French fry? Where are the fat insects? Can they even get fat?

Depends on the insect.

Diamondback moth caterpillars can alter their metabolism over generations to adjust to high-carb diets, turning their bodies into fat-burning furnaces. If a dragonfly is infected with a certain type of parasite, it’ll start storing more fat around the muscles they use to fly. Struggling to fly means they can’t defend themselves using their deadly “bumping enemies with their eyes” attack. Researchers also found that fat male dragonflies have less dragonfly sex, just in case you were super-duper curious about that.

And I was wrong, mosquitoes can get fat. They suck blood when they need protein to produce eggs. They normally eat plant nectar. One scientist / bored suburban nine-year-old hand-fed mosquitoes ’til half their dry weight was made up of fat. And then he made them dance.

The weight gain on some insects is hidden by their tough chitin exoskeletons. The fatter they get, the more their insides squeeze up against their own outsides. Imagine you get so fat that your pants don’t fit anymore, but you can’t take them off. You’re forever stuck feeling like the Hulk’s ten-foot-around thighs squeezed into Bruce Banners’ size-32 jeans.

Do The Blind Need Ad Blockers?

At first, you’d think that blind people wouldn’t use ad blockers, because they don’t see the ads in the first place. But it turns out they have the exact opposite problem. If you saw the rough drafts of my columns, you could tell which ones I’ve run through text-to-speech software by counting the lack of egregious grammatical errors. Hearing my writing out loud lets me catch those errors, because if I just try to proofread them, I become word-blind. Sometimes I’ll copy the text off the preview page set up to look exactly like the text on the page you’re reading now, ads and all. I’ll inelegantly CRTL+A the whole thing and have the software read all the whales and seals that get caught in the fishing net of my highlight. So in the middle of my own writing, I’ll hear about “17 Actors You Didn’t Know Were Loaves of Wheat Bread — #8 Will Get A Rise Out of You” or “She Had No Idea Why Men Kept Cheering Her On (Her Vagina Was Out).”

What isn’t that big a deal for me must be a nightmare for the blind. Text-to-speech programs are one of the tools blind people use to peruse the internet. But what happens when there’s an ad? Does the program indiscriminately read everything, ads included? Can it distinguish between an ad and article text? Nope. They read everything. Here’s a video of a vision-impaired woman demoing a screen reader program called JAWS:

Not everyone with a vision impairment likes the reader’s voice to be speaking in tongues while dancing with venomous snakes. But even at normal speeds, reading The New York Times can be a pain in the ass:

Auto-playing videos are also a problem. You try listing to one voice at Formula One speeds and have a loud video cut in without shitting your pants. Sighted people can ignore the text of an ad, to the point where it might as well not even be there at all. But the visually impaired have to sit through it all, even random web trash like “Sign Up / Log in” and “Join Our Mailing List.”

So it makes sense that the guy who created AdBlock has blind people thanking him for making their internet surfing experience less cacophonous.

Why Are Donut Boxes In Movies Always Pink?

I’m always disappointed that I haven’t eaten donuts out of a bright pink box like in every movie and show that I’ve ever seen a box of donuts in. I just assumed the box was a generic Hollywood prop that was used all the time, like those fake newspapers or bottles of Heisler Beer, the favorite beer of every TV character. Some stingy producer who blew the last of his production expenses on a tall nonfat latte with a caramel drizzle enema didn’t want to pay Dunkin’ Donuts the licensing fee to show their logo on an empty box of donuts. He used a pink box once, it did its job of portraying the role of a tough-as-nails but big-hearted donut box, and every producer in history followed suit.

GaryAlvis/iStock

Pink donut boxes are a regional trend in Southern California, the birth canal from which most movies and shows slide, and they wouldn’t exist if not for the Khmer Rouge, the regime responsible for orchestrating the Cambodian genocide in the mid-1970s. Oh. Oh my. I thought it was just going to be a “They showed up once in Godfather Part II and people just liked how they looked” kind of thing. That is … umm … oh my.

When the Khmer Rouge was exterminating everyone in sight, Cambodians hauled ass out of there. Many made Los Angeles their new home, where they opened donut shops, of all things. One of them was named Ted Ngoy. He was an immigrant, an astoundingly good businessman, and a gambling addict who lost a bunch of his donut stores in bad bets. And holy shit, did he own a lot of donut shops. He had shops all over Los Angeles County, each staffed with fellow Cambodian immigrants.

Before Ted, donuts in LA came in standard white, no-frills boxes. When he decided to save some money without getting skimping on ingredients, he asked his supplier, Westco, if they had cheaper boxes. They had a bunch of cheap pink card stock lying around that could perfectly house a dozen donuts. Word of how cheap the bright pink boxes were quickly spread from one Cambodian-owned donut shop to another throughout LA, and then into Texas and Arizona.

So whenever a film production needed their characters to be from New York but they’re filming in LA, to hold a box of donuts, Prop Masters would hand actors the bright pink boxes Ted popularized, not realizing New Yorkers don’t eat donuts from pink boxes. They have to wrestle them away from big rats off of taxi cab floors, because everything’s tougher in New Yaw’k.

How Do Movies And Shows Get Newborn Babies For Delivery Scenes?

There’s a very specific shriveled and red newborn baby look. Wailing infant chic, if you will. When a woman in a movie gives birth and the kid doesn’t look like a dried chili, you know it’s a one-month-old unconvincingly playing a one-second-old. But how does getting a newborn on screen even happen? What parents are going directly from the hospital to set? “I know that we just had this thing, like, 30 minutes ago, but could someone make it a star real quick?”

Putting newborns in entertainment is surreal. The baby has to be no younger than 15 days old to be in a movie. That’s when doctors say babies have developed enough to not be floppy lumps of flesh that can fall apart at any second. If that authentic newborn look is absolutely required, they’ll use twins or triplets, which aren’t just useful because child labor laws in Californian only allow a baby onset for four hours and to only work for 20 minutes at a time. Twins and triplets are often born premature, which keeps them looking like newborns even after the 15-day barrier. Filming with premature babies is illegal in California, but it’s cool in 18 other states.

Parents, I know you’ve just experienced the trauma of wondering if your babes will survive their stint in incubators, but if by the grace of God they survive, they can be movie stars before their fontanelles fully harden. Ka-ching. That’s the sound of your preemie payday.

In the movie Knocked Up, they wanted to film a real woman giving birth to a real baby during the delivery scene, but legally couldn’t for the best reason for anything I’ve ever heard: Since the baby would be in the process of being born at the time of filming, it wouldn’t be a member of the Screen Actors Guild. People can’t get their SAG cards in utero. Not to mention it violates the “must be at least 15 days old” rule.

And then there’s the matter of all that vaginal slime newborns are coated in during birthing scenes, which I’m sure has a more delicate, technical name, but “vaginal slime” is more colorful, so I’m going with that. I imagined it would be a special goop whipped up by visual effects masters in a fit of creative inspiration, like chefs in a kitchen going with the flow to create an exemplary new dish. It’s not. Vaginal slime is sometimes a combination of grape jelly and cream cheese. Instead of going to makeup, they hand the baby over to the craft services people so that they can prepare the baby like a bagel.

Luis is hard at work getting his preemie casting agency off the ground. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-weird-questions-with-surprisingly-interesting-answers/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/04/24/5-weird-questions-with-surprisingly-interesting-answers/

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thedeadshotnetwork · 7 years ago

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Microsoft has a master plan to change the world with a new line of super-thin, super-light PCs with cell service (MSFT) Microsoft is touting "Always Connected PCs," a new initiative with its partners for super-thin LTE-enabled laptops with as much as 20 hours of battery life. From Microsoft's perspective, cell service is getting so much better, so much faster, that one day, you might not even want WiFi anymore — making LTE-enabled PCs a key future-looking strategy. Many of these Always Connected PCs are running ARM chips, not the Intel processors that have historically powered Windows. Microsoft thinks the combination of Windows software with a tablet-like battery life and connectivity is a big deal in the fight with Apple and its iPad Pro. When Microsoft released a new version of the Surface Pro with an LTE cellular modem late last year, it seemed like a routine, if much-anticipated, upgrade to Microsoft's flagship PC. But at the International Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas this year, Microsoft executives tell me that the Surface Pro with LTE is actually the first step towards a new future for the PC: a future where laptops have 20-hour batteries, and where you don't need a WiFi connection to get online — no matter where you are. Microsoft calls it the "Always Connected PC," or "ACPC." Terry Myerson, executive VP of Microsoft's Windows and Devices group, likens the rise of the ACPC to the massive upheaval that occurred with the rise of cloud-computing platforms like Amazon Web Services and Microsoft Azure. "The network is moving to the cloud, just like storage and compute has," Myerson told Business Insider at CES. In other words, Myerson suggests cellular speeds are getting faster and faster , to the point where for many people, they could be faster than the WiFi connections in their homes or offices. At that point, Myerson suggests, it might not even make sense to bother with WiFi at all — especially since so much of the world is covered by cellular signal. And the major PC manufacturers are coming along for the ride. Late last year, HP and Asus announced ACPCs coming later in 2018. And at CES this month, Lenovo announced the $799 Miix 630, a lightweight ACPC that's notably powered by an ARM processor from Qualcomm — not the Intel x86 processor that's powered Windows machines for decades. They'll face competition from Apple, too. The iPad Pro comes with an LTE modem, and Apple sees the device as the future of the laptop. That means a battle between Microsoft and Apple for the future of the PC. The big idea Every Always Connected PC needs to hit a few criteria, explains Microsoft's corporate VP Matt Barlow. It needs to have 13-plus hours of battery life in use, and "weeks" of battery life when it's in sleep or standby mode. It needs to have an LTE cellular modem. It has to be thin and light. And it needs to run Windows 10 S by default, a version of the operating system released last year that maximizes battery life and performance (with some tradeoffs ). Lenovo In short, the idea is that it's a PC that you can take with you wherever you go. You shouldn't have to worry about charging it or finding a WiFi hotspot. "[Always Connected PCs] bring together the best of mobile and the best of the Windows PC," Barlow says. According to Barlow, it's actually battery life where many laptops fail to qualify as ACPC. A device may be thin, and it may be light, but if the battery life isn't there, it doesn't cut the mustard. The reason for the stringency is because a device that meets all of those criteria actually changes how you use it, he says. You might not take a laptop with you on a road trip because your battery might die, and you might not be able to find a Starbucks on the road to use the WiFi. But with a long-lasting battery, and always-on connectivity, you can be productive anywhere, he says. "It changes where you would take it out, where you would use it," says Barlow. Promise and perils This isn't the first time Microsoft has walked down this road. In 2012, Microsoft released its ill-fated Surface RT tablet, based on the ARM processor infrastructure. While it didn't offer cellular connectivity, the promise was otherwise similar: better battery life and solid performance in a thin and light device. It was a famous flop. The Surface RT ran a custom version of Windows, called Windows RT, that could only run apps from the very limited Windows Store. There was literally no way to make it run traditional Windows software, which is designed for machines with Intel chips. In 2013, Microsoft took a $900 million write-down on the Surface RT. Wikimedia Commons Microsoft General Manager Erin Chapple tells us that her team has done a lot of hard technical work to make sure that this time is different. Some ACPCs are powered by Intel processors, and some, like Lenovo's, run ARM-based chips. But Microsoft has figured out a way that even ARM processors can run any Windows program, even ones that were written with Intel in mind. This means that ACPC users will have access to the whole gamut of Windows software, past and present. "I think we've shown that this is a different time and a different category," says Chapple. The tradeoffs, and the competition with Apple The biggest tradeoff in ACPCs is performance. While these machines look to be fine for your normal everyday word processing, chatting, and Netflix, the specifications aren't really suited for high-end gaming, video editing, or anything else processor-intensive. "Connected PCs are desired by those users who need instant connectivity, the longest battery life and are willing to sacrifice the ultimate performance," says Patrick Moorhead, principal analyst with Moor Insights Strategy. It's also worth noting that the same technology that allows legacy Windows software to run on ARM is, itself, processor-intensive. This means if you're using ARM-based devices like that Lenovo Miix 630, you might see a performance dip when running certain software. Chapple assures us the difference is barely noticeable in most real-life usage, depending on what you're doing. Games like "Minecraft" might run a tad slower than on another machine, she says, but if you're using Microsoft Office or just chatting on Facebook, it won't be a big difference. And ultimately, it's having access to the wide world of Windows software, combined with the best features of tablets like the iPad, that will make all the difference, says Myerson. If you want something that helps you be productive on the go with the PC tools you might already be familiar with, it's a Windows ACPC or bust. "We're building Windows for people who create, for people who let ideas flow," says Myerson. NOW WATCH: Here's how the map of the United States has changed in 200 years January 13, 2018 at 02:21PM

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trenttrendspotter · 7 years ago

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Biohacking Goes Big

It’s official. I’m a biohacker and many of your customers are becoming biohackers, too. It’s the next logical step for people who want to be healthier. A movement led by thought leader David Asprey, creator of the popular Bulletproof Diet, biohacking takes a systems-thinking approach to your own biology.

We all know that what you put in your body impacts how you feel and how it functions. Exercising, supplementing, sleeping and drinking water are important for optimized health…Biohacking is the next level.

At the Bulletproof 5th Annual Biohacking Conference in Pasadena Oct. 13-15, I got to hear from Asprey himself about the future of biohacking.

What really excited him is that 23% of attendees were new to Bulletproof and the idea of taking control of your biology via the art of biohacking.

Here are some trusted ways to biohack your life.

Gratitude

“We understand that what you put into your body affects what you get out. Similarly, with the mind, our thoughts and intentions influence our reality, reactions and even productivity. Gratitude is one of my favorite mind practices because it is simple, free and has such an impact. It literally re-wires the brain,” said Asprey.

Study after study shows that simple gratitude exercises, like keeping a journal or sharing daily wins with friends or family, can make you happier, more positive, and more emotionally open after just two weeks. The benefits last, too, which leads to an overall increase in well-being, making you stronger and more resilient to stress.

“That’s a lot of improvement for 10 minutes a day. Our thoughts create the world we experience, and I think science is starting to better understand that if you put gratitude in, you’re likely to experience positive thought pathways more naturally,” said Asprey.

Real estate that gives back to the planet

Build a home that gives back to the environment with Dvele. The company is disrupting the prefab home industry with their line of prefabricated homes that merge dream home luxury with environmental awareness. Dvele’s experienced design team focuses on sustainability, with an emphasis on style, to provide high-tech prefab or modular homes that cater to special interests ranging from green living to gardening. Dvele shows their commitment to the environment by automatically planting 10,000 trees when you purchase your home to offset the resources used to build it. Dvele homes fulfill your fantasies as well as the needs of the planet.

Help your brain function at its peak

We’ve all experienced burnout, brain fog, bad moods, and mental exhaustion. Qualia is here to help you overcome your mental slump and tap into your best brain power! Working as the ultimate over the counter brain snack, it safely and effectively feeds the mind the nutrients it needs to reach a deeply productive flow-state. Qualia understands that having mental energy won’t result in accomplishments unless you have sustained focus to go with it. Qualia’s formula balances the relationship between all chemical and electrical pathways of the brain and body to help you get the most out of one of your most important muscles- your brain!

When your brain dysfunctions, you dysfunction, but when your brain works optimally, you work optimally. Meo Energetics uses the healing powers of essential oils and flower essences to help your brain work optimally. Their essential oil blends energetically support specific brain regions to improve physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Their line of essential oil blends will help you reach new levels of productivity, strength and overall health. Meo Energetics are definitely something you can wrap your head around!

Scientific longevity

Advanced Biomedical allows you to use your stem cells to tackle the effects of time and receive personalized attention, ethical care and the respect you deserve as a patient from the best physicians in the best facility that specializes in stem cell therapies. At this Cancun-based longevity center you can receive innovative treatments and learn about the importance of regenerative medical stem cell treatments for early intervention and the credibility of advanced biomedicine treatments. Advanced Biomedical has been referred to as the best in the world for its impact on longevity and it allows you to experience it in a safe and a top of the line setting.

Probiotics that help keep your home clean

Discover how easy it is to naturally rid your home of odors, mold and germs with Homebiotic! This ready to use surface spray harnesses the power of natural probiotics to stop musty odors, prevent mold, and fight germs on all surfaces of your home. Homebiotic is 100% non-genetically modified, all-natural, colorless and odorless and remains fully active on surfaces up to 1 week! A clean house is a happy house, but it’s even happier when it can be done naturally!

Move better

Whether it’s a run, workout or just a walk, Aline wants to help you move better. Their insoles are made using their patented Suspension Technology which combines over 100 moving ribs, bioengineered suspension zones including a heel cup and gel pad to place your body in the correct alignment at the correct times during activity. Make sure your next move is your most comfortable with Aline!

Innovative exercise

Arxfit machines can only be described as the future of exercise. ARX technology combines computer-controlled, motorized resistance that is capable of matching the force of any user 100% of the time — meaning it gives you the perfect rep, every rep. No trainer? No problem. All ARX machines can be entirely controlled by the software so you can perform workouts alone and track your progress without the need of a trainer or partner. ARX can deliver the physical results that are usually only achieved with weights or other equipment with a far smaller time commitment and smaller risk of injury. Software monitored workouts, the perfect rep every time and faster results… experience the fitness revolution with ARXfit!

Pulse Centers is driven by passion and motivated by results. We exercise our mind and body, but why are we not exercising the organisms that keep them functioning? Our Cells! Pulse Centers offers a diverse array of innovative PEMF technologies, including three state-of-the-art systems and numerous PEMF body application accessories-making them the world’s leading high-powered pulsed electromagnetic field (PEMF) technology company. This type of technology exercises the cells, like a person doing jumping jacks, accommodating the intake of oxygen and nutrients while dispelling toxins to help reduce aches and improve overall health!

New innovations in “fast food”

Vital Choice is changing how we define the term “fast food”. The company has become a trusted source for the world’s finest wild seafood. Vital Choice does the fishing…you get to eat it!

Mitochondria powerhouse

There was more of a conversation around having more energy by improving your mitochondrial function. Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. They supply energy to every cell in your body and are particularly dense in your brain and muscles. Strengthen your mitochondria, and your whole body will work better. Ultimately, all the things we associate with aging – fatigue, excess fat, and a decrease in muscle mass and cognitive ability – are all symptoms of weakening mitochondria. Because our food isn’t of the same quality that it used to be, we are on our screens more than ever, stress levels are high, and our mitochondria is being negatively impacted.

“Creating new mitochondria is crucial for vibrant aging, optimal energy production, and protection against oxidative stress,” said Asprey. Asprey goes into greater detail about improving mitochondrial function in his book, Head Strong, but there are some simple steps people can start immediately:

Here are some of his tips:

Sleep in a pitch-black room. Use blackout curtains over your bedroom windows and cover all digital lights.

Replace oxidized (damaged) fats with good fats like coconut oil, grass-fed butter, Brain Octane, olive oil, avocado, and fatty wild-caught fish.

Put your phone on Airplane Mode at night. This will reduce stress from EMFs and any lights or sounds your phone might make.

Drink Bulletproof Coffee. Curb cravings, lose unwanted fat, and boost cognitive function fast with this recipe of coffee, grass-fed butter and Brain Octane.

Live, work and play in your best light

Not all light is created equal and the wrong lighting at the wrong time of day can ruin your sleep, performance and health. True Dark glasses ensure you get exactly the right amount of light. The concept of blocking the blue light spectrum is not a new one. There are many “blue blocker” glasses that have been around for a while, but they are a one-size-fits-all approach while True Dark offers a variety of glasses based on times of the day you need them. From sunrise to sun down True Dark glasses ensure you’re getting the right amount of light when you need it.

Don’t be afraid

Listening to Kristen Ulmer was a highlight for many. A thought leader and fear specialist who draws from her tenure as the most fearless woman extreme skier in the world for 12 years, Kristen is an expert on the subject of fear and flow states.

According to Kristen, “Fear doesn’t hold us back after all, it’s our unwillingness to deal with our fear (our resistance to it), that’s what holds us back. That message, and what to do to turn fear from a hindrance to an asset (fear hacking), is a game changer.”

Sleep is also important to Kristen. When asked after the event what she thought was most interesting she said the Samina Bed made her pause. “They are epic in general plus free from flame retardant chemicals.” She also bought the True Dark glasses and Lighting Science Good Night Bulbs at the show!

“How many people are out there in the world, who are 100% committed to being the very best human beings they can be. The people at this event are that tribe. It’s beyond heartwarming,” she shared.

Living well means sleeping well

The “sleep doctor,” Dr. Michael Breus, spoke to a full room and a line of biohackers there to ask questions and buy his books indicating that sleep has made it to mainstream bulletproof. “People are actually starting to value sleep more. I see it based on some of the questions they are asking, I am getting less of the traditional how do I sleep less and still be hyper productive, an early question from many Biohackers. Now it is more about the science, nutrition, exercise, and how all of these ideas complement each other for wellness,” he said.

The equipment and accessories that impress Dr. Breus the most were the True Dark glasses as well as NuCalmbecause of the serious science behind them. He also pointed out The Sleep Number 360 smart bed, the Lighting Science Good Night Bulbs and the SleepScore Tracking System.

“People are really starting to see that wellness is more than diet and exercise,” said Dr. Breus.

As seen in Whole Foods Magazine

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