#like the foods are good. but recognizing i have an unhealthy relationship with food has me zooming out on wider practice. if u will

[meredoubt]

Being vegetarian doesn't make you healthy. It does not save you from eating so much apple pie you become nauseous. Still that silly animal brain in there telling you to eat too much, i'm afraid!

[theambitiouswoman]

How to know if something is normal, or if it’s incredibly messed up but you’re so used to it that you can’t tell the difference:

I’ve spoken about how easy it is for our body to get used to both good and bad things so much so that we can’t decipher the difference. I see a lot in your messages and responses how certain things have become normalized for you, so much so that you don’t consider them a big deal, but should not be something you should be accepting. You’ve become so used to it, you actually don’t realize the effect it has on your frame of mind and health.

This concept is called adaptation—how our bodies and minds become accustomed to certain habits, environments, or stimuli, whether they’re beneficial or harmful. Over time, this normalization makes it harder for us to recognize what is healthy for us and what might be detrimental to our psyche and wellbeing.

For example:

• A poor diet might feel “normal” if it’s been a habit for years, even though it drains energy or causes other health issues.

• On the flip side, regular exercise can feel like a necessity over time because the body adapts to the positive effects.

Sometimes, our lives run on autopilot, and we normalize things that might actually harm us. This is why mindfulness is so important— constantly tuning in to assess whether what we’re used to aligns with what we need for our well being.

How to decipher which is which:

1. Listen to Your Body

• Does it leave you feeling drained, anxious, or unwell?

• Physical Symptoms: Headaches, tension, or digestive issues might be signs of stress or unhealthy patterns.

• Recovery Time: Do you feel worse after engaging in it, whether it’s food, an activity, or even a person?

Try This: Write down how your body feels after meals, activities, or interactions for a week. Notice any recurring discomforts.

2. Evaluate the Long Term Impact

• Does this habit, relationship, or choice align with your goals and values?

• Ask: “If I continue this for 5 years, will it benefit or harm me?”

3. Check Your Emotional State

• Recurring Feelings: Does it bring consistent joy, peace, or growth?

• If it triggers guilt, resentment, or unease, it might not be healthy for you.

• Peace and Joy: Healthy habits and relationships leave you feeling lighter and more fulfilled.

Try This: Before making a decision, pause and ask, “Will this add to my peace or take away from it?”

4. Track Patterns

• Track Daily Habits: Note how you feel physically and emotionally after key moments (e.g., eating, exercising, interacting with people). Journal how it makes you feel physically and emotionally over time.

• Identify Triggers: Over time, you’ll see patterns—what lifts you up and what drags you down.

Start Small: Write down 3 things each day—one thing that made you feel good, one that drained you, and one change you could try.

5. Test Alternatives

• Try removing it or replacing it with something healthier and observe how you feel.

Examples:

• Diet: Swap processed foods for whole foods and notice the difference.

• Relationships: Spend less time with toxic people and see if your stress decreases.

• Habits: Replace scrolling on your phone with journaling or reading for a week.

Ask Yourself: “Do I feel better or worse without this?”

6. Seek Outside Perspectives

Sometimes, we’re too close to the situation to see clearly.

• Ask People you Trust: They might notice what you’ve normalized.

Try This: Say, “I feel like [this habit/relationship] might not be good for me. What do you think?”

7. Trust Your Intuition

Your instincts are powerful. If something feels “off,” it probably is.

• Gut Feelings: Do you feel uneasy or hesitant about continuing it?

• Inner Voice: Are you justifying something that deep down you know isn’t right?

Ask Yourself: “If I truly valued myself, would I allow this in my life?”

[cry4mina]

Take Me Back To Eden - Granite (Part 2)

(Nayeon x fem!reader)

Take Me Back To Eden - Choke Hold - Part 1

Word Count: 5k Angst/more angst/attempted fluff met with....angst Summary: Reader is struggling with the emotions that come with uncovering some uncomfortable truths about their relationship with Nayeon.

Tw: Mentions of drinking, reader has unhealthy coping mechanisms, reader is a little stuck in their head (very stuck in their head), spiraling, nausea, cursing, flash backs, food, cheating, panic attacks, crying, Dahmo is present again, a quick mention of Chaeyoung, doggos (the 10th member of twice and his brother make an appearance) If I missed anything pls let me know!

A/N: Thank you for all the support on Part 1 of this fic! If you haven't read that yet, it is linked above for context. There will be a Part 3 in the works, shortly! Thanks to @saiiidahyunee for always listening to me ramble as I organize my thoughts and coming through with the suggestions<3 Reminder: My asks/requests and DMs are always open!

-

You wake up to the smell of bacon. You reach to your right, but your hand lands on cool slick wood instead of your soft sheets. You get immediately upset that Nayeon isn't next to you.

When you open your eyes you’re met with an immediate headache and the realization that you aren’t in your own bed. Your vision is blurred much like the last 12 hours. Colors and shapes that aren’t distinct but there’s a familiarity in the patterns seen by your hungover eyes.

You usually wake to the sweet sound of her humming in the kitchen to herself. Your chest hollows remembering the previous morning.

Her showering you with affection from the minute you opened your eyes, her switching coffees with you so you could have the perfect cup, the giggles and glances while bathing together…your heart was dissociating down the path of you and Nayeon.

You shake those thoughts out of your brain, causing the dull ache behind your eyes to sharpen into a seering burn between your temples.

You blink rapidly to clear the haze and let out a groan at how bright the sun is beaming through the large windows in front of you. You recognize the living room from the neutral tones of the furniture, the Twice posters framed in black hung perfectly, the fireplace roaring to beat out the chilly air, and the hints of light pink everywhere.

You don’t even need to see the dog toys scattered throughout the room- , you’re in Momo’s living room.

The uncomfortable couch you had fallen asleep on was good for sitting and not for sleeping. You shift trying to sink a little deeper between the blanket someone placed on you and the firm cushion below you but the scream of your lower back was enough to keep you placed right where you were.

The sizzle of the bacon you just smelled and the clicking of nails on hardwood floors are now present throughout the house. You hear Boo barking for a piece of bacon followed by a loud “Shh!” Followed by a hushed ”Y/n is still sleeping…we’ve got to let her rest- Boo! You better share with Dobby!” You give a soft smile and yell “Don’t worry, I’m awake!”

You reach for your phone on the coffee table next to you and attempt to open your phone but your screen refuses to flicker on. “Great” You clammer to yourself tossing back on the table as you hear Momo greeting Dahyun in the kitchen.

“Good Morning, my love” the sound of a quick peck and a sigh; you feel the knot in your chest and the lump in your throat grow. You hear the way love is laced within the words Momo speaks when addressing Dahyun. It makes your skin burn with dread.

A deep ache that could only be filled by who you thought Nayeon was. Who she might have never been. The hushed conversation over the sounds of breakfast being made continues as you spiral.

Endless thoughts running through your brain as you try to file them away in their proper place. An attempt to process the feeling of betrayal. You can’t believe you’re even thinking about her doing such a thing.

“Nayeon? Cheating? She couldn’t…could she?” The woman who would threaten the Sun if it burnt you, the same woman who was so gentle with you, always making sure you felt safe and loved. You felt like acid was eating away at your frontal lobe while the knife twists against the memories flooding back to you as your brain tries to talk you out of accepting what you’ve seen in her wallet. Dehydrated, Hungover, Heart broken. A triple threat.

While you try to derail the train of thought that was plaguing your mind, you recognize the sound of nails and the shifting of floor boards as someone walks over to you through the hallway. The dogs follow and run ahead to jump on the couch and greet you. You laugh as they try to lick your face giving them equal attention without rising from your position.

“Good Morning, Y/n-nie,'' You avert your eyes slightly from the dogs to see Dahyun smiling down at you on the couch with a bottle of water raised up by her face. She gave a little shimmy and posed with the bottle to try to get you to smile.

“Good Morning, Dahyun” The dogs jump down when they hear the sound of Momo placing food in their bowl, scurrying off to their respective spots for breakfast.

You try to sit up as Dahyun holds her hand out with some medication waiting for you to pop them in your mouth before handing you the bottle.

“You are a saint,” you say while opening the water bottle. You chug half the bottle before coming up for air. Gasping at how great the cool liquid feels going down your throat.

She sits down next to you waiting for you to say anything. She doesn’t want to push you into more discomfort than you are already experiencing.

Your eyes scan the coffee table to see an empty tequila bottle, your dead phone, and 3 empty glasses. You sigh. You weren’t much of a drinker to begin with but you needed something to numb you.

The problem with that, is that now you weren’t numb. Your arms felt heavy at the weight of the emotions you are carrying. You feel as though the couch you are sitting on is swallowing you as you sink slowly into the void of absolute devastation.

Your jaw tenses as your eyes start to water. Remembering the way her voice shook when she told you it wasn’t what you thought it was. It echoed in your head, reverberating against your hangover and swollen eyes.

“Has she ever lied to you before? How long has it been going on? Did...did she really let someone else touch her?” You felt filthy and in need of a shower.

Staring boldly into the fire as you navigate your deep dejection, you watch memory after memory rush into your mind’s eye. Earlier attempts to fend these off failed.

A gray washed melancholy glazed over your facial expressions contouring your usually cheery demeanor into a desolate haze.

Dahyun watched all your emotions play out on your face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she quietly inquired, shaking you out of the hopeless spiral.

“I don’t even know what to say. I have so many questions but Nayeon”

You flinch at the name as if someone just poked your tender heart with a sharp sewing needle… “ and this “J” person, only have the answers.”

Another wave of gray as you realize what you’ve just said. Hearing it in your own voice allowed the pieces to settle one by one. Pulling heart strings from the knot that was created over a flimsy piece of paper.

A single tear falls from your eye as Momo saunters in with 3 plates of food, handing you and Dahyun one before sitting down on the other couch, opposite you and her girlfriend.

“Thank you.” You can hear the cool slated tone of your voice as you try to hide the emotional turmoil you were drowning in.

“Thank you for letting me stay here and for being there for me. I’m really happy to have friends like you.”

They both smile empathetically with their mouths full as you take a bite of the salty strip of bacon.

With breakfast finished, Dahyun and Momo started to pack. Twice would be heading to Japan that afternoon for their schedules and wouldn’t be back until the middle of the following week.

You sit at the foot of their bed and help them decide which outfits to bring. Catching and folding the clothes that were thrown at you and tucking them neatly into the suitcases.

You lightly sigh, trying to not bring attention to yourself as you reminisce in silence about the last vacation you took with Nayeon. Giving almost the same routine you were experiencing with Momo in the moment.

The chaos that was Nayeon packing was one of the most unorganized things you’ve ever experienced. The first time you watched her try to get everything together for a trip you had to stop her 5 minutes in as she was sitting on a suitcase of shoes trying to close it enough to get the zipper to budge.

She hated packing and would just throw the jumbled mess of clothes into a case and call it good.

When you started living together, all of that changed. You would sit down on your bed and watch her showcase outfit after outfit to decide what to wear. You loved being able to help her decide between the colors and fabrics because it meant spending time with her.

She seemed to hate packing less too. You wonder how she’s fending trying to do it by herself as you redirect your attention to Momo.

“Y/n, I know you know you’re more than welcome to stay here while we are gone,” Momo says, pulling a black sweater vest with a turtleneck off the hanger and tossing it to you.

“I know you’ll probably go back to the apartment but I want you to know you don’t have to stay there if you don’t want to. Our guest bedroom is always open to you…or you can sleep on the couch again, if you prefer.”

You all share a laugh while you neatly fold the garment and place it on top of the already organized stack in the massive suitcase

“I think I'll pass on the couch, but I might take you up on the offer for the guest bedroom depending on how everything feels at the apartment.”

Momo nods her head, “You know where the spare key is, if you need it.”

—

Rain slicked streets and the sounds of cars passing is what fills your drive home. You’re fixating on the sound of rain tapping the windshield and the slosh of the tires in the puddles splayed out over the roads.

You are anxious heading back to the apartment. Muscles tensing throughout your body as you get closer and closer to your shared home with Nayeon.

You are hoping she’s already left for the airport so you don’t have to have the uncomfortable conversation just yet. You’d rather wait until you’ve fully processed what’s happened and gather your thoughts.

You do want to hear what she has to say but you need to be calm in order to react in a way that is best for you and your needs, just in case you have to only rely on yourself again.

You stop at a red light, patiently waiting for the bright green to flash again as if it carries you home. The drive isn’t a long one but knowing what’s waiting is what’s creating the time between houses. You look down at your hands and fidget with the dry skin, something Nayeon would light swat at your digits for doing.

If she saw you anxiously tapping your leg, touching your hair, or scratching at the sides of your fingers she would scoot closer to you, placing her hand on your thigh. Tracing small hearts, your initials and her initials, among other patterns, to get you to fixate on something else.

Self soothing now feels like a chore, you want to allow your spiral to run its course, sucking you into the disheveled thoughts occupying your headspace and filling your lungs with sharp cries.

The bright green of the traffic light reminds you you’re driving as you push the clutch in with your left foot, lifting your right off the break and accelerating with the gas. Clutch in again, shift to second, the balancing act of a stick shift car was almost too much today.

You had too many thoughts and wished you didn’t have to pay attention so much. Though it was probably for the better as safety is allegedly important.

You roll your eyes as traffic stops you from proceeding. You just want to go to a familiar place and sit still with yourself and these cars are blocking up the roads.

You can see the entrance of the front office to the building being crowded by people with cameras. The car in front of you being halted by a security guard so the people congesting the roads don’t get hit.

You quickly realize what’s happening and start staring at the grooves of the woven leather on your steering wheel. Fiddling with them to try to distract yourself from all the commotion outside of your vehicle. You hear the camera’s clicking and can see the flashes in your peripherals.

You glance up momentarily to get a view of Nayeon from your car window. The tints aren’t dark enough to shield you from her but the camera flashes might blind her enough to not see you.

She’s wearing a loose wrinkly sweater that belonged to you, sweatpants, white sneakers and a pair of dark black sunglasses. Her makeup doesn’t appear to be done and her hair is tucked into a messy bun. Your heart melts at the sight of her.

You feel a tear trickling down your cheek. You want nothing more than to embrace her. To feel her on your skin again, to feel the safety of your partner.

You remember the note, the singular letter repeating in your head, remember what brought you to this emotional state in the first place. You don’t allow the visual of her to comfort you, not for this.

She’s waving to the cameras and doing hand hearts while walking towards the black SUV that’s there to take her to the airport when she sees your car. You watch the revelation click in her head and she immediately stops walking and looks through the crowd to see you.

Mouth ajar and sadness creeping into her skin. You make eye contact for what feels like hours before she composes herself, cameras still blindingly flashing as she gets into the SUV.

You hear the door close and see the window in the back seat roll down, opposite of the crowd. The bigger car pulls out of the entrance to the complex and right up next to you.

You feel your heart start to beat at an alarming pace as she sticks her head out of the window after removing her sunglasses. Her eyes are red and swollen with bags under them. She definitely didn’t sleep.

You realize that she’s motioning for you to roll your window down. You comply quickly, knowing that it’ll be brief.

Barely louder than a whisper “Hey…Is your phone dead?”

You nod your head slightly, having trouble making eye contact with her. A beat of silence drums between the two of you as you awkwardly shift in your seat. The stiffness of your lower back proceeding to yell at you again from a combination of sleeping on the couch and the stress you were under.

She chooses to break the silence with exactly what you expected. “Can we talk when I get back?”. You can hear the glint of hope in her voice.

You hadn’t blocked her, you rolled your window down, and you haven’t pulled off yet (not that you could with traffic) so you’re still present in some sense.

You nod your head again, agreeing to the hard conversation. She smiles softly at you, cheeks rising up as she goes to speak again when you hear the driver husk “Miss Im, I’m sorry to interrupt but you do have a plane to catch.”

She nods her head at the driver then brings her attention back to you.

“I left you something on the counter and there’s dinner in the fridge for you…I didn’t know if you’d be home and wanted to make sure you remembered to eat... I love you, y/n” as the SUV slowly starts to drive, picking up its pace quickly as it continues down the street.

Once the crowd dissipates and the smoke clears, you pull into your designated parking spot with haste. Quickly pulling the E brake and putting the car in neutral so you can take in what just happened. Not many words were shared, but you felt every single one of them echoing in your mind.

You grab your keys as you replay the “I left you something on the counter and there’s dinner in the fridge for you. I love you, y/n” in your head over and over again as you make your way up the elevator.

Walking up to the door, you hesitate to open it. The thick dark wood is intimidating as it glares down at you belittling your right to walk through it. Shiny golden numbers reflect the bright lights back at you as you reach for your keys hanging from your hip.

Your skin prickles as you register that she won’t be on the other side of that waiting to hug you after a long day. The usual routine that happens when arriving home isn’t the same.

You brace yourself, slide the key into the lock and turn. Hearing the mechanism click as the cog turning inside. You turn the knob in tandem to reveal your kitchen.

Closing the door and locking it behind you, you absorb the atmosphere around you. The lighting is dark due to the overcast sky. The silence is loud as the room breathes around you. Your eyes pan over the room to find a bouquet of roses in a crystal vase on the counter.

You bought that vase to fill with flowers for her, now she was returning the favor. You take in the way the crystal shimmers with little to no light and the refractions of red coming off the sparkling corners that were etched into the filigree carved into its surface.

Flicking the lights on to reveal the spotless granite countertops, you realize that someone might have been stress cleaning. You remove your jacket and hang it on the rack on the back of the door hesitant to take your shoes off.

Your eyes hit the ground when you realize that the once sanctuary doesn’t feel nearly as safe. You push through the feeling, and put your shoes in their normal spot next to the door.

You glide through the kitchen with an attempted ease as you search for the comfort you once had, plugging your phone into the charger on the counter.

The soft smell of roses permitting the room. You look at them and notice an envelope with your initials and a heart scrawled on it in bright red ink next to the vase.

Picking up the envelope, you stare at it tracing the edges of the thick paper with your fingers. Would she write the answers to your questions here? Or would she wait until you asked? There’s only one way to find out, and you were sure you were too sober to pull the trigger.

Going into the cabinet, you pull out a wine glass and immediately turn for the fridge. Searching the shelves for the bottle that was already open. You pull the container of food out that Nayeon made for you, immediately getting nauseous at the idea of eating and you place it back on the shelf.

You realize that the bottle is missing. She had done exactly what you did the night before. Drank the pain away. You bite the inside of your cheek knowing you and her both were going through discomfort. You grab the unopened bottle of white win out of the door, closing it firmly behind you.

You pour yourself a glass and chug it. You begin to pour another while making a face as you swallow the bittersweet liquid. You walk over to the trash can to throw the foil from uncorking it out, still feeling guilty about not being able to comfort Nayeon. You toss the small frail metal into the can when something familiar catches your eye.

The tattered paper from her wallet lay on top of the empty bottle you were searching for moments ago. The letter ripped in half, one side of it facing you- the signature present in black ink.

Your anger grows when you see it. Remembering that she could have actually betrayed you and here you are being upset that you weren’t there to comfort her? Yeah, okay Y/n.

Your eyes flicker back to the envelope she left for you.

“Nope.” You say out loud. Your phone starts vibrating endlessly so you run over and turn it on silent knowing the amount of notifications you were about to receive.

You grab both the bottle and the glass of wine and head for the couch to get drunk and watch your favorite comfort movie.

—

The first night back, you decided to sleep on the couch and you stayed there for another 2 full days. Only moving to go to the bathroom and get some water. You just allowed your body to rest and recover.

The bed seemed tainted and would probably smell like her, you didn’t want your body to relax into the false sense of safety it had been used to.

You didn’t answer your phone or even look at the notifications. Pretending it did exist and basking in the solitude. By day three you realized people might start to worry about you if you didn’t reply to them. You usually reply pretty quickly so it would be off if you didn’t say something to them.

You filtered through your notifications, answering everyone but Nayeon. Momo had checked in with you and called you a few times leaving voicemails that got more threatening since you weren’t replying. You immediately called her back to let her know you were breathing.

“Thank god you’re okay. I was going to head to your house straight from the airport if I didn't hear from you before we got back!”

“That’s very sweet of you Momo-ssi. I’m doing alright just trying to take it day by day…or minute by minute, rather.”

“I understand. Have you talked to her yet?”

You hesitate to reply. Knowing that you’re avoiding communication with her in fear of what the truth could be. Momo notices this almost immediately and nods her head as if you can see her.

“I take that as a no, then?”

“Yeah…I just- I don’t know, I’m scared of what happens next.”

Momo sighed empathetically.

“Sometimes you just have to take the next step, no matter what it brings.”

You knew she was right so you tried to deflect.

“How is she?” your mouth utters before your brain could catch up.

“She seems off. You can tell she’s doing her best to try to keep it together. Less bubbly. Chaeyoung mentioned your name and she immediately went pale and changed the subject.”

You press your lips together. The back and forth of feeling guilty for not being there for Nayeon and feeling sorry for yourself was getting old and you were exhausted from the strain you've been putting on your nervous system.

“Momo, can I let you go? I guess I have to read these text messages.” you begrudgingly say.

“Yeah, good luck! Call me back if you need to talk about anything okay?” You say your goodbyes and hang up.

No longer ignoring the task at hand, you open your text messages to read the days worth of messages. At first they’re all panicky. A lot of begging for you to answer the phone, a lot them just simply saying your name.

They soon delve into “I miss you”, “I love you”, “Please come home” and “You mean everything to me” texts. A few of them were unintelligible, definitely sent after the wine she consumed.

You see some from the day she left for Japan, asking how the dinner was and if you read the note. A few more I love yous sent throughout the last few days.

You place your phone on the table and run your hands over your face, keeping your fingers over your mouth. You open your voicemails, put your phone on speaker and start to go through the ones from Nayeon. They’re all really hard to listen to. The first few especially.

“Y/n, please answer the phone. We can work through this. It’s not as bad as it seems, I swear. You are the only person I want to be with. Please call me back.” She sobs into the microphone.

Your heart cracks at the shakiness of her voice and the sadness dripping through your phones speaker.

Through the voicemails you can start to hear her words slur. The memory of how you were accepted by her members floods back into your brain again.

However, this time the joy is absent from the flashes of love. Only sorrow sits. The last voicemail she left you was from the morning of the day you came home. More of the same contents, but with sniffles instead of sobs.

You sit for a second to collect yourself. The envelope on the table, patiently waiting for you to rip open it’s seal and explore the contents.

You take a deep breath, picking it up. You slowly run your thumb between where the paper is stuck together, being sure not to damage anything inside. A pink slip of paper is neatly folded inside. You discard the envelope on the table and unfold the bright page and start reading.

“My Love,

I need you to know that you are so important to me. You are my safety. My guiding light. I’ve never felt as loved as I do when I’m with you. Please know that I am sorry for everything and I will explain when I get back. I hope you’re still home when I return.

With all the Love,

Nayeon”

Your heart sinks. What do you mean you’re sorry for everything? What is everything? More questions and no answers.

You pick up your phone and call Momo again to vent about the apology you just received because all of the context is missing. The phone rang once, twice, and the third ring was interrupted with a familiar voice.

“Hi Baby,” You freeze, unsure of where to go from here. You decide to use the emotions you’ve been hiding as courage and ask the questions you’ve been holding onto for the last week.

“How long?” You ask sternly. Silence fills the other side of the phone as you wait patiently for the answer.

“Do you really want to do this right now? Can’t we wait until I get home so we can talk in person?

“No, we are going to do this on my terms. How long?”

Nayeon sighed as you heard a door close through the phone as she separated herself from the rest of Twice.

“...it only happened once…a few years ago…it was a few weeks after you asked me on our first date.” You flinch when her voice cracks. Tears silently spill down your face.

Focusing heavily on the admission of betrayal being told to you. “It hasn’t happened since. I messed up and I realized that. Please know I wouldn’t ever ever do something like that again.”

Your heart is racing, you are feeling your cyclical emotions take control again. Anger, nausea, fear and betrayal dance around your chest as the words spill out of your girlfriend's mouth.

“Why was the note in your wallet?”

“I just switched wallets, it was in the black one I was using last week and I just didn’t throw it away.”

“Nayeon, Who is J?”

A long pause as you wait for her to say the name of the person who helped defile your relationship. She sighs heavily, you can hear her shaking.

“Can we please just talk in person tomorrow when I get back?” she pleads.

“If you’re not going to tell me, I’ll hang up. I don’t need anything else from you besides that information.” Your voice is icy as the shards fly out to hit Nayeon’s chest. This is agonizing for both of you and you aren’t going to wait around for her to decide it’s time. You were the one who got cheated on, not her. You would never do that to her so she is not going to be extended any grace.

“Y/n…” You stay silent waiting for an answer that she is refusing to give.

“I’ll see you around, Nayeon.” You say as you move the phone away from your ear to end the call. You faintly hear her protesting but you hang up without fully hearing what she was trying to say.

You slam your phone down on the coffee table when you feel the adrenaline release, chilling your veins down while your breathing starts to shallow and quicken. You switch your breathing into manual as you try to stop the panic attack before it gets worse.

Long deep breaths only get you so far. Your hands and lips start to tremble as your chest tightens. You feel like you need to stand up and run out of the building but are too light headed from the hyperventilating. You are sure you’d just fall over if you even try to stand.

You catch a glimpse of your phone lighting up from a text message. You life your phone and read who it’s from.

-Momo: I’m sorry, I didn’t see that she grabbed my phone when you called. Are you okay?”

-Momo: Nayeon just walked back into the room crying...

You start to type a response through trembling fingers when another message banner drops down, catching your attention. It’s Nayeon. You read the text to yourself, mouth gaping when you realize this is the information you had asked her for on the phone.

“Oh, You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Take Me Back to Eden - Aqua Regia - Part 3

[animeyanderelover]

Hello😄Could I request Hashirama,Tobirama,Madara,Itachi,Tsunade,Sasuke,Obito,and shisui with a darling that is a ghoul?

Holidays start in about a month for me so I'll try to schedule a day where I open my inbox again.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, restriction, isolation, abduction, violence

Darling is a ghoul

Madara Uchiha

🌑You've been using the corpses that the war produces as your source of food, always steal the bodies of the dead to stock somewhere. One day to your great misfortune, you get caught by the Uchiha attempting to steal one of their dead comrades and they instantly attack you as they see that you don't belong to their clan. They're merciless so you're left with little to no choice but to fight back and for a short few seconds, you manage to catch them by surprise. Your own red orbs mirroring their own eerily much and you use that distraction to try to escape. One glance into their Sharingan as they chase after you traps you into their Genjutsu though and when you regain your consciousness, you're heavily chained and kneeling on the ground. In front of you is no one else besides Madara himself who has been informed about you and your strange abilities as one of the first. Judging from his cold tone, you know that fooling around might get you executed or tortured so you don't see any other option besides revealing what you are.

🌑 Your revelation is a sensation and you're kept imprisoned inside their campus as the eldest and Madara discuss what to do with you. Some are a bit wary as you feed from humans, others see in you a great new weapon. Madara decides to see for himself what you're capable of so you're forced very soon into a fight with him where he attacks you relentlessly. You don't know any jutsu yet somehow manage to keep somewhat up as your regenerative abilities, heightened senses, faster reflexes and your kakuja aren't something he can copy. You're ultimately losing to him as your techniques are sloppy but Madara recognizes the raw potential you have. All he has to do is polish your skills and train you. So he votes to keep you and teach you and the eldest agree, the majority delighted with the thought of having someone like you as their own. The clan guarantees to feed you with the corpses of their opponents. Training with Madara is harsh as he is even more ruthless since you heal so fast.

🌑 Madara is at one point the person you spend the most time with as he teaches you ninjutsu, taijutsu, even some genjutsu and weaponry. His training is brutal but it shows major improvement with time as you're able to fight him on almost equal footing at one point. It gains you some rare compliments from him but that is how you know that he's genuine. Fighting you is a genuine joy because only few people can give him a good fight and he's proud that his training has brought you that far. However, Madara ensures that you never grow stronger than him as he needs to establish his dominance between you two. He won't let you be above him. Initially he assumes it's because he just hates to lose but as time passes on, he realizes why. He's gained feelings from you. It's that knowledge that spikes his possessive obsession up as he suddenly forbids you to interact greatly with others and you notice the heavy weight of his glare even before you see him if he catches you still being nice to someone else.

🌑The death of Izuna awakens a feeling of urgency inside of him as the loss of his last family member shatters him.  His declaration to the eldest of the clan that he chooses you as his spouse is so sudden that it flabbergasts all of them equally and their opinions are mixed. Some disagree with him as they want him to marry someone from their clan yet others don't think it's that bad after thinking about it. You're certainly strong with your unique abilities and if you can conceive children, they'd be very curious to see what abilities your and Madara's children would have. If Madara wants something, he makes sure to get it so he forces the council to accept his opinion and you find out within the next day from him what has happened. You're even more astonished by his boldness to make such a decision without your consent. Yet your protest dies down on your tongue as he grabs your chin harshly and looks at you, muttering under his breath that he won't lose anyone else. If Hashirama wants to make peace with his clan, then only if he can keep you.

Hashirama Senju

🌳 He most likely sees you two as secret childhood sweethearts but unfortunately he just glorifies your memories in his mind into something much more innocent. The meeting of you two is one of pure accident as you essentially save his life, at a time before he even knows Madara. Mourning over the loss of one of his younger brothers and taking a stroll during a ferocious storm, numb to the warning words of Tobirama. He takes notice of the roaring river and the slippery and muddy shore too late as he slides into the clashing waves, loses his sense of up and down and swallows a gallon of the cold water. He's panicking as he desperately tries to puddle to the shore but fails to do so, his short life flashing in front of his eyes. Until someone suddenly grabs him and pulls him back on solid ground. Hashirama feels dizzy, coughs up water yet doesn't forget his manners as he wants to sincerely thank his savior. Yet they disappear as fast as they appeared, a blurry face and striking eyes the only memory he has of them.

🌳 It could be an Uchiha that saved him and he assumes so at first too and it isn't until he catches sight of you again that he's informed. You were apparently silently following him before he sees you, although initially he is unsure if you're the one that saved him. He has caused a lot of troubles because he kept confusing others with the person who saved him. You're honest though and tell him that you are the one who rescued him and are very flustered when he kneels down in front of you, forehead smushed against the dirt and thanking you for saving him. When he asks you if you're an Uchiha, you shake your head with a half-amused smile, stating that you don't belong to any special clan. He keeps on asking you questions but you keep dodging them, unwilling to answer. Eventually you tell him that you have to leave even if he begs you not to. The last thing you hear from him is him shouting after you and asking you to meet him here again. He wants to be friends with you.

🌳 You decide to take his offer, even though you know you shouldn't but you can't help yourself. Hashirama is infectious with his energy and cures your loneliness. He's bubbly and optimistic, something you need in your life. You never tell him about your true origins and never answer his questions about what he saw on the day you met him. You do tell him at one point that you're an orphan though and lost your parents to the war to which he offers you to take you to his clan. You decline obviously. The telltale signs of his major crush on you are what ultimately drive you away from him as you know that you could never be together with someone like him. So you never return again, breaking his heart as you need to separate yourself from him. It's alright. You've heard that he has found a new friend. You shatter Hashi's heart beyond belief as you've become his one big love and he's never able to comprehend throughout all the following years why you would just abandon him.

🌳 It's only so many years later in his adulthood that he gets all the answers to his questions when fellow men of his clan present him with the man-eating monster. A rumor that has been circulating around for a long time but now they've finally caught and imprisoned the person that stole and dishonored their fallen warriors. He doesn't know what to feel but his whole world stops and his heart drops when he sees the same eyes that saved him all those years ago. Your previously growling and sneering expression drops as you stare at him in shock before you avert your gaze, tears of shame building up behind your eyelashes. You never wanted him to know. You're used to being hated and feared so his shouts to free you from your chains as he storms over to you confuse not only you. Tears are in his own eyes, ones of happiness, as he embraces you in a tight hug. Finally he can make sense of everything. You were ashamed of yourself, weren't you? He knows that you'd never hurt someone purposely after all! Don't worry, he'll sort everything out for you!

Tobirama Senju

🌊 With Konoha finally being established, the many years of waging war against the Uchiha has finally ceased. Tobirama isn't too fond of the idea of living together in peace with the Uchiha, he doesn't trust them but he has no choice but to have faith in his brother. Konohagakure earns money from the missions that the people send to the village. Tobirama oversees all of that together with his brother and takes on the more dangerous jobs together with a team he hand-picked himself, all people he trusts and knows are skilled enough. It's this one mission that manages to spike his interest as he receives a request from a smaller village in the Land of Fire. A lot of thieves and criminals reside in the village yet that isn't the reason why they request his help. It's because people have started disappearing in the village and a few witnesses are only able to tell about a human-like monster with red and black orbs, mouth covered in blood as it's strongly assumed that this thing eats humans.

🌊 The legend of the man-eating ghoul is one that he has heard only in legends as some of his own clan members insist that they've spotted the thing during times of war, dragging away corpses to feast on them. At that time he only assmued it to be a silly rumor yet as the story pops up again and the legend starts surging up again as fellow Senju members hear about it, he decides to investigate. He travels to the village, takes one Senju with him who claims to have seen the ghoul before and waits. To your misfortune Tobirama is a legendary sensory type and even if you try to be careful, you're helpless as the man approaches you and you quickly stop fighting, realizing that you wouldn't stand a chance against Tobirama, his chakra too powerful. His own red orbs meet your own black and red ones, his eyebrows furrowing as he senses the unique energy radiating off of you. You may look like a human but you aren't fooling his sensory skills. Ultimately he decides to imprison you for the time being.

🌊 You're surprisingly well behaved, he somehow expected more troubles from the rumored ghoul yet you seem to choose the wisest option of giving up for now. You won't pick a fight where even you might get into troubles. Tobirama ensures that the citizens are left in the dark, only a selected few Senju and Uchiha know about you. It's better to keep your presence hidden for now from the public. Hashirama approaches you with a mix of curiosity, fascination yet also slight caution whilst Tobirama is prepared to attack you any moment, far more stiff than his brother. You're interrogated by Tobirama and answer all of his questions with honesty that baffles him. You need to consume human flesh just like humans need to eat too or otherwise you'll starve to death. When he tries to frame you for murder, you instantly fire back that you've only eaten already dead or evil people and that he shouldn't throw such crimes at you as his entire clan has committed murder too, far more than you have.

🌊 Somehow they have to feed you as Senju and Uchiha murmur that you might be very useful to the village so they start searching for ways to feed you without having to sacrifice humans, except the criminals that is. Tobirama remains the most cautious although your physical abilities fascinate him and he volunteers to teach you when he hears that his clan wants you to learn ninjutsu. He's low-key impressed by you but rarely admits that. You're snarky yet also very quick to adapt to situations and more civilized than some people he knows. The fact that you eat people is the only thing that keeps him from being more welcoming and is the main reason why he bristles up against his growing feelings. It's petty, he's murdered too but he would never allow himself to feel that way. Hours of research are put into creating artificial food for you whilst he increases the supervision around you. He absolutely can't have you lose control and attack someone. not if it means that you might be killed or ripped away from him. He won't admit his feelings for now but he won't let you get away from him either.

Tsunade Senju

🐌 Tsunade first stumbles upon you during her travels with Shizune, before she becomes the Fifth Hokage. She finds you heavily wounded and severely starved. She takes you in to care for you although her fear of blood paralyzes her so Shizune has to take care of you. You seem terrified when the two approach you, yell at them to stay away from you but it's already too late. You smell human flesh and lose control, attack both of them as your eyes turn black and red and salvia starts dripping down your chin. You're luckily overpowered as the hunger has weakened you and restricted your clear thinking, Shizune's poison numbs you and Tsunade's strength makes you lose your consciousness and you feel the relief flodding your veins that they stopped you from killing another person. What surprises you is when you regain your consciousness and find out that both of them have still taken you in and helped you with your injuries. Tsunade isn't all soft-hearted though, asking you with a hardened gaze what you are.

🐌 They're medics, they save lives so both are shaken when you confess that you're a ghoul and have to feed from humans to survive. You're too ashamed to do so, unable to kill someone so you always end up starving yourself to insanity until you can't take it anymore. You've killed too much people, nearly killed the two women too yet they still took you in and took care of you. It's all too shameful as disgust fills you and tears start shimmering in your eyes. You remind both of them that you have to leave as soon as possible or else you might hurt them again. Behind closed doors Tsunade and Shizune both have a discussion later on as both are unsure what to do. Tsunade seems a bit more merciless at first but Shizune quickly persuades her that they should help you. You can't do anything since you were born that way and helping you would also mean saving other people's lives and also your own. When both of them offer to help you, you have limited hopes.

🐌 They start working on supplying you with artificial food or at least have you survive on only little blood which both could supply to you with ease. You avoid both as good as you can to not fall into temptation and attack both of them again although you have no doubt that in your current condition, both could overpower you easily. When both of them still succeed and provide you with artificially changed blood that makes you feel full with only little amount, you feel truly happy for the first time in a long while. Just like that you become the third party to tag along, forever grateful to Lady Tsunade and Shizune as you swear to protect both of them. As you travel with both of them around the country, you start getting especially close to Tsunade. You know that under that tough shell is a hurt yet also kind woman as you soon find out about her past and in return share your own painful memories with her. Both of you bond over the past that wasn't kind to both of you.

🐌 Her feelings startle Tsunade initially when she first realizes that you've become more than a close friend to her. Not because of what you are, she'll defend you against anyone who dares to call you a monster. She's mainly scared because she's still suffering from the death of her brother and previous lover, doesn't want to lose anyone again. So the lady finds herself growing very overbearing, paranoid and worried about you excessively all of a sudden. What if people want to kill you for being a ghoul despite there being humans who are far more of a monster than you are? One of the main reasons why she rejects Jiraiya's offer at first is because she doesn't want to trust Konohagakure with you. She has heard stories about how Naruto was treated, she won't let you suffer from such hatred ever again. Ultimately it's only because of Naruto's promise to ensure your safety and your own encouragement to become the next Hokage that she agrees. If anyone even thinks about imprisoning you or performing a surgery on you to find out more about your body, she won't hesitate to seriously hurt them though.

Obito Uchiha

🔥 Rumors about man-eating monsters such as ghouls have always circled around the country, even during his childhood. In the past he had an odd fascination with such stories, as a traumatized adult Obito has other things to consider than some silly bedstories to warn children to not go alone outside at night. Or are those just some ghost stories? Perhaps he has to rethink his take on ghouls when he's faced with one of them in person. One of the spies working for the Akatsuki has been suspected to betray them so he was planning to kill them. Only to see them already being dead with you devouring their flesh. When you notice him, both of you just stare at each other for a while. You quickly clean your face painted in blood and give him an eerie smile, asking him what he plans to do now as you activate your kagune, ready to attack if he tries anything. Instead Obito is very calm as he has seen worse people than a ghoul. That being said, having one under him might be very useful later on.

🔥 You don't seem to be against the idea when he proposes it to you, merely ask what you would get by joining his organization, besides free food that is as he fully allows you to devour anyone who would be on their target list. Ultimately you ask him for time to consider his offer as your current life style is very satisfying already. He reluctantly allows you to consider his offer when you volunteer to stick around the region to reassure him that you won't try to escape. Honestly speaking, you enjoy spending time around people since it's rare to meet one who isn't scared if you. To top it, you appreciate beauty when you see it and Obito's scars give him a unique and rough beauty so you often just stare at him when he tries to convince you to join his crew. You try to tease him and have him breaking out of his serious and pessimistic character and when you do manage to fluster him, you break out in an amused grin, one that makes Obito's heart somehow flutter inside his chest.

🔥 You're very unique but also very different than he first thought you to be. Sure, you're a tad bit cocky about your abilities but also very chipper, witty and teasing around him as both of you warm up around each other more and more. When he tells you one time that you are very different from your first encounter with him, you reply with a bitter-sweet smile on your face that it isn't often that you meet a human who doesn't want to chase you out or scream in terror when seeing your true self and that you want to enjoy this as much as possible. You just do what you have to do to survive after all. Those words stick with him, haunt him as he starts worrying what has happened in your past and he attempts soon to question you persistently about it and whenever you refuse, his anxiety triples. What has happened to you? As his feelings start to grow, you soon realize that you might have made a mistake by hanging around him as he grows co-dependent.

🔥 So when you try to escape him, you make the biggest mistake of your life as he uses his Sharingan to trap you inside a genjutsu and abducts you. When you come back to your senses, he's already hovering over you, the proximity between you two frightening you a bit. His emotions are spilling over as he asks you in a raised yet shaky voice why you tried to leave him and betray his trust. You can't give him an answer, his outburst of anger, sadness and confusion overwhelming you. You don't need to answer though as your silence is enough for Obito to come up with his own answer to his own question. You're just worried about his safety, worried because you never received love from another human. He's right, isn't he? Darling, you don't have to be afraid or worried. He'll provide you with as many bodies as you need so you never have to starve and he will provide you with his love. Both of you were lonely throughout your life but now you have each other. You don't need anyone besides him anymore.

Shisui Uchiha

🍂 You despise humans. You've always despised humans for they killed your parents brutally and had no qualms to even harm you who was just a little child back then. You hate how pretentious they are, framing you as a cruel monster and a menace to their safety whilst they are the ones committing genocides, starting useless wars and murder more people than your entire family has ever done. They're the true monsters but of course they would never see it that way, instead thinking they are the only ones deciding the truth. You've spent years living alone, traveling from one place to another whilst hunting down people for food. A grim determination to survive for your parents the fire that fuels you til this day, even when a few Anbu are searching for you to hunt you down and possibly even kill you. You don't expect anything from their kind anymore, they're all just cowards hiding behind their excuse called justice and righteousness. Days of playing a nerve-wracking cat and mouse game finally ends when one particular member of the team catches you.

🍂 Any potential mask is hidden behind a mask of hatred and aggression as you stare at the man, his own face hidden behind a mask. You expect him to draw his katana, to use another katon on you to get rid of you yet he just observes you carefully. Another member of the Anbu eventually breaks the heavy silence, asks him why he isn't going for the kill. You aren't the only one shocked when the man, most likely the leader of the group, turns around and announces that he'll take you with him to the village. You're about to hiss at him that you won't let yourself get imprisoned when he reveals his face to you, young and handsome with red eyes staring straight into your own. Your brain turns foggy and you don't remember much after that. You only know that when you open your eyes the next time, you're in a cell with heavy chains restricting your movement. On the other side of the cell you recognize the same guy that knocked you somehow out together with an older man, his hat giving him away as the Hokage.

🍂 You refuse to be grateful to the man named Shisui for deciding to not kill you as you didn't strike him as an open threat. The clients were exaggerating things, he knew they were just terrified of the rumors that had clearly gone out of hand. He doesn't hold your angry behavior against you though as he knows already about the death of your parents, he can't blame you for having zero trust in anyone as you had to learn everything the hard way. Luckily Hiruzen thinks the same way as him and has decided to not kill you, against the will of some eldest of the council. Instead Shisui is in charge of keeping an eye on you and if you should harm anyone, he has orders to kill you. He doesn't want that so he always warns you, admits that he doesn't want to kill you since you aren't a bad person. You can only scoff, not believing a single word he says. He's just a human, you know how they are. He just wants to deceive you. You're bitter and negative, above all deeply hurt though and Shisui sees all of that. It somehow makes him want to prove to you that not all people are bad.

🍂 A small promise to himself to make you believe in some humans again. Shisui starts carefully and slowly to win your trust, being a pushover would be the worst thing he could be right now. A small quip here and there, convincing the council to give you some books or anything to not die of boredom inside your cell and slowly granting you with his help a little bit of restricted freedom. All those small seeds stretched over a couple of months slowly wear your guard down as you start listening to what he tells you and seem to look forward to his visits. You even join him in his jokes although you have a very dark and dry humor. Shisui's own feelings start changing slowly yet he hides it as he knows that he could be replaced as he might act on his emotions. The dark glare he gives someone if they suggest murdering you are instances where his true feelings reveal themselves though. A small part of him foolishly believes that he can somehow get this under control again. But the moment he actually manages to make you smile, a smile that lights up even the darkest corner of his heart, Shisui knows that he is utterly fucked.

Itachi Uchiha

🍡 You've always known that you might get killed for having to feed from humans in order to live. A thought that terrified you in your childhood has now become a calm acception with which you live everyday. You think there are worse people to get killed by when you see him for the first time. Calmly standing there and observing you from a distance where you were eating moments ago from the human. There's a silence lingering over the two of you as you just observe each other yet it's weirdly peaceful. When he turnd around though, no hint given about wanting to kill you, you call after him and ask him why he hasn't killed you. He pauses, head turning slightly back as he replies that you just do what you have to do to survive. He's heard about the stories of a ghoul residing in this area but he also knows about the fact that a lot of criminals have recently been disappearing from around here, people who have murdered people. The one you're feasting on right now is one of them.

🍡 The one you later on find out is named Itachi fascinates you. You've rarely met someone so serene and calm, he didn't freak out when seeing you nor looked at you with any hatred. Deep down you wonder if you'll ever see him again and fate seems to plan exactly that as you see him often around the forest where he seems to stay for a while. He doesn't mind your business and out of respect you don't mind his either although you long to talk to him once more. Strangely enough one day where rain falls down in heavy drops from the sky, your wish gets granted when you see him just standing outside, thoughtful eyes staring into the grey sky. You're captivated by the scene in front of you for a while only to come back to your senses when black eyes meet yours and he asks you politely if you'd like to join him instead of just standing there. Slight embarrassment to get caught staring is quickly replaced with slight giddiness when you two start taking a walk through the forest together, conversing here and there about things that come to mind.

🍡 From that day on, both of you start growing very close to each other. Neither of you two is very pushy and sometimes both of you just spend your time together in silence but it seems to be something both of you don't mind. In fact there's a weird comfort in the tranquil silence surrounding you two. Slowly both of you share stories about yourselves to the other one and neither you nor Itachi judge each other for their past. You tell him how you were orphaned at a very young age and had to kill people yourself and Itachi reveals his position in the Akatsuki and after a longer time of knowing each other, even the truth about his family and how he killed all of them except his brother. It's then that you understand why he didn't kill you the first time you two met. He deemed himself not worthy to judge you for your actions when he committed something much more hideous and worse. He becomes an emotional pillar for you just as much as you become one for him. You rely on each other.

🍡 Feelings start to blossom between you two, you just know that Itachi feels the same as you. You're hesitating though, unsure if a human and a ghoul should be together, especially considering Itachi's position. Although you have a hard time believing that Itachi is a criminal and killer. That all gets shattered the day you get caught by a gang of criminals and they manage to overpower you. You're beaten up and yelled at, typical words such as monster and death threats thrown your way but you're oddly calm. As one of them walks to you, an axe in his hand as he's about to behead you, you feel a twinge of regret though as Itachi crosses your mind. You close your eyes, wait for the embrace of death yet nothing happens. In fact everything happens so fast that you barely have time to process everything before everyone around you is almost or already dead and Itachi frees you from the ropes. You feel the slight tremors of fear and rage still going through his body before accusatory eyes glare at you, asking you silently why you would accept death just like that. You want to answer but when he presses his forehead against yours, Sharingan locked with your eyes, everything fades away.

Sasuke Uchiha

💙 Imagine Sasuke's surprise when he joins Orochimaru with the full conviction that the former Sanin wants him as his new body only to find out that he's one from two candidates to be bestowed with such an honor. There's someone else Orochimaru thinks would be a splendid new body for him and that someone is you. It isn't like Sasuke desperately wants to be the new vessel for the man, he has one goal and that is killing his older brother, no matter what. It's the notion that Orochimaru considers something equally powerful as his Sharingan that insults him and turns his attention fiercely to you, the one supposedly with even better skills. You're a year older than him and have been with Orochimaru for years now with him honing your abilities and skills to near perfection. You have a few screws loose yourself and fit in perfectly as you're everything but sane. You're introduced to Sasuke although you've already been informed about him and show only mild interest. Are you infuriating Sasuke on purpose?

💙 The Uchiha boy soon wants to fight with you, triggered with you brushing so easily over him. You aren't in the mood to do so yet Sasuke leaves you no choice, you realize that he'll attack you so or so. As the older person and the one more experienced with Orochimaru, you think that you should show the young boy his place. That fight serves as motivation for Sasuke forever after, a memory he will never be able to rid himself off. He doesn't know what he expects of you yet what you show him sets the base for his obsession later on. A ghoul is something he's only heard of from in horror stories and legends yet when your frightening eyes stare down on him, your wounds regenerating whilst his aren't, he realizes that in every legend is a sprinkle of truth. You leave him beaten in his room, telling him that he should respect you since he's the younger one, especially if he can't back up all his threats. For now he's nothing but a hateful boy who tries to hide his weakness behind aggressive words in your eyes. A humiliation that imprints itself deep inside his bones and heart.

💙 It's the start of Sasuke's obsessive fascination with you. As humiliated and angry as he is, he understands why Orochimaru would consider you as a potentially new vessel. You have abilities that no one could ever hope to learn or copy, your kagune and your regeneration only a few of them. Your diet doesn't bother him in the least and you don't feel ashamed for it either. After that day, Sasuke seems to follow you around like a little duckling, burning with zealousy to fight you again. Yet you refuse every time, make it clear that you'll only fight him if you deem him as worthy because as of now he clearly isn't in your eyes. Your skills are above him in almost everything as of now but you do watch him training whilst doing your own exercises with Sasuke keeping a close eye on you, analyzing him. With you in the same room as him though, he trains nonstop as he often hallucinates you watching him too. You might or you might not, you're a bit difficult for Sasuke to figure out.

💙 In a strange and twisted way he starts looking up to you so his heart is doing sommersaults when you finally signal him that you're willing to fight him again. The end result is a draw, both of you at the end of the fight on the ground with your curse marks activated. It's an improvement yet Sasuke is not satisfied. When you end up praising him for his performance, he feels strangely enough mildly better. From that day on, both of you train together as he trains you more in the arts of ninjutsu and genjutsu. Thanks to you being a ghoul, your taijutsu is already very good so you train him in that. You grow very close, only that you see Sasuke as your adorable albeit deranged junior whilst Sasuke sees you as an equal, as someone he wants to keep by his side. He's possessive and constantly tries to dominate you in order to change your view on him yet you brush it all off with an irritating yet delightful laugh. He won't lose you to Orochimaru though, he won't let you be that man's new vessel. Nor will he become his new body. After all he has to guarantee that you will never have anyone except him by your side.

[ssuperficialspacecadett]

Crutches and Crushes

Chapter Three of the Through the Scope series | Chapter Four

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 4.9K

TW: Unhealthy relationship and mentions of cocaine

Chapter Overview: You run into Frankie while you are out shopping.

Notes: Hey everyone ! I love that I'm still going to say no set posting schedule even though I have been consistent in my posting schedule. I just don't want to give a day and then miss it and blah blah blah. ANYWAY I'm absolutely beside myself that people wanted to be on the tag list for this series (i could cry) so thank you to the people that are investing time into this just like me (: my asks are always open if you want to chat about this series in particular or literally anything else !! happy reading <3

*no use of y/n & female presenting reader*

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With a whole week of work at Brass Knuckles now officially under your belt, your dad wanted to celebrate. He called you and asked if you would come and eat lunch with him on Sunday afternoon. You knew that this meant you would be the one selected to go pick up and pay for lunch at some restaurant, but it was the fact that he remembered in the first place. Your dad was the kind of man that remembered globally recognized celebratory events: Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Thanksgiving. However, he struggled a bit with remembering ones that hit closer to home: your birthday, his own wedding anniversary, and any school function you had. You knew that he never did this with any malice or bad intentions, that wasn’t in his nature, but that didn’t ever numb the pain when it inevitably happened. 

“Did you really have to get me a salad?” 

You already knew that he was going to ask this. “Yes, I did.”

“Well could you have at least ordered me one that is topped with fried chicken and not this skinless bitch chicken.”

“Fried meats are one of the main foods that you have to avoid because of your diabetes,” You narrow your eyes at him. “So eat your ‘bitch chicken’ and be happy.”

“You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry, Sweet Pea. Thank you for bringing the food and for putting up with me.” 

“Of course, dad, but speaking of putting up with you…how has your physical therapy been going with Miss. Maggie?”

“I have my good days and my bad days. I actually managed to hold myself up on the uhh…what’s that thing called again? The one that has those horizontal poles on either side of me?”

“The parallel bars?”

“Yeah!” He snaps his fingers together. “I managed to hold myself up on the parallel bars, but I used all my strength focusing on not falling over which meant that I didn’t have much left in me when it came time to try taking a step.”

“I’m still really proud of you! Doing everything that you’re doing isn’t easy. All that anyone can ask is that you take it day by day and to try your best.”

“When did you grow up and get so smart?” His voice sounds airy. 

“When you blinked.”

“Is that so? Okay, smarty pants, what’s the first thing that I’m going to do when I can walk on my own again?”

You lean back in your seat and ponder his question. It wouldn’t have anything to do with playing cards, since he has that poker tournament every Sunday evening. It wouldn’t be going on a date, although you suspect he might have a little thing for Miss. Maggie. As you rack your brain for the answer a car fires up its engine in the retirement home parking lot. Got it.

“The first thing that you’re going to do when you can walk on your own is go to a car show. Then after you’re done, you’ll probably go get the greasiest burger you can get your hands on just to spite me.” 

“Fuckin’ hell. You got me all figured out.” 

“How about this? We go to the car show together, but skip the burgers.”

“Or we go to the car show together, skip the burgers, and get a basket of fries instead?”

You know when you're in the middle of a losing argument. A frustrated sigh comes from you as you nod your head at his counter-proposal. 

“Deal, dad.” 

***

You should have known this was a bad idea. You should have turned your car around the moment you saw how packed the parking lot was. Days like today were the reason why online shopping and curbside delivery were invented. Unfortunately for you, you had no better way to spend the afternoon of your day off than braving the hectic crowds of IKEA. Your desperate need for items inside the store outweighed your hesitation to go inside. You have only just grabbed a basket when your phone starts ringing.

“Thank fucking god you called, Robbie. I just got into IKEA and I need someone to talk to so I don’t get completely overwhelmed here.” 

You spend the next 45 minutes wandering in and out of different furniture sections while filling Robbie in about your new job and friends. You tell her about Benny and how he has become your closest friend so far down here. She audibly gags when you mention Brunson and how he acted when you first met him. Although you reassure her that Benny stepped in and shut him down, she still has a few choice words that you hope the family standing next to you can’t hear through the phone. 

By the time you finally bring up Will, Pope, and Frankie your basket is quite full. You found all the kitchenware you needed: pots and pans, cups, plates, bowls, utensils, etc. Then for your room you got a nightstand, a dresser drawer, a lamp, decorative throw pillows, and a full length mirror to hang on your closet door. You wrote down the item numbers for some of the items that are too big to cart around, kitchen table and chairs and a couch, so you could order them on a later date. 

“So, Santiago is Pope, Will is Ironhead, Frankie is Catfish, and Benny is…just Benny?” 

“It’s weird, I know.” You laugh. “They’re all really sweet, but Frankie is by far the most attractive one in the group.” 

“What did I fucking say?! I knew that you would have better luck finding a boyfriend in Florida than back home!”

“He’s not my boyfriend! I just think he’s cute, damn!”

“Tell me about him! I need a good mental image.”

“He’s a few inches taller than me, maybe 5’11? His hair curls at the end and is this beautiful brown which matches his eyes. Broad, and I mean broad, shoulders.” Robbie squeals on the other end of the phone. “Big nose and probably 10-15 years older than me?”

“I told you that you like ‘em older.”

You playfully roll your eyes at her comment as you walk into the section of the store that carries the bed frames.

“But I think you would really like Will. He’s tall, ruggedly handsome, has a sexy southern accent, and seems really smart.”

She’s quiet on the other end of the phone while you explain more about him to her. You love Robbie, but the men that she has dated in the past couldn’t match her on any level. She needed a partner that could challenge her intellectually and push her out of her comfort zone. Will is the kind of man that could do that for her. 

“Basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that you should date men that are actually men.”

“Well, it looks like I’ll have some homework to do when I come down next month for spring break.”

“Just give him a chance, that’s all I’m asking. Hey, I should probably go. I’ve already been here way longer than I intended and if I keep talking to you there's no telling when I’ll finish.” 

The two of you make plans to talk later and you hang up the phone. Now to find a bed frame and get the fuck out of here. You survey the room to see if anything catches your eye and something does. The only issue is that it's not a piece of furniture. Familiar curls peek out from underneath a black cap. He’s facing away from you which allows you to read the lettering on the back of his shirt.

B.K.B.G Sponsor of the Month

Tire Town Auto Body Repair Shop

When you first met Frankie, Benny had accidentally cut it short. You have been embarrassingly hung up on the fact that you didn’t get to talk to him the way you had with the other two men that evening. Now the universe has allowed you a second chance by placing him just a few feet away. You find yourself stuck in between feeling excitement and apprehension to approach him. Would he think you were weird if you came up and talked to him? Would he see you as Benny’s little receptionist and nothing more? These questions and countless more plague your mind as your feet guide you over to him. 

“Uhh…Frankie?”

He turns around and looks down at you with those enchanting eyes. The wrinkles that form around them when he smiles softly at you echo the photo you saw of him. The front of his shirt has ‘B.K.B.G Friday Fight Night’ written in a large font across his chest. 

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

You shily gesture to your very full basket. “Turns out that one of the many consequences of moving quickly is having to buy all new furniture because you didn’t have time to bring the stuff you already owned.”

“Oh God, I’m sorry,” he chuckles and scratches the nape of his neck. “That was a stupid question.” 

“No, no it wasn’t! At least I have a job now so I can pay for it all.”

“How is that going by the way? You just finished your first week, right?” 

You try to convince yourself that him remembering how long you had already been working at Brass Knuckles for wasn’t a big deal. He had come into the gym on Monday and since today is Sunday, a logical person could conclude that you had completed your first week. Try as you might, you couldn’t stop the balloon-like swelling you felt in your heart. 

“I did! It was pretty good, honestly. I feel like I’ve got the hang of everything I’m in charge of. Speaking of Brass Knuckles, I like your shirt.”

He looks down at the shirt he probably didn’t think twice about throwing on this morning. 

“You don’t have one of the fight night shirts yet? I think this is the one my job sponsored.” You laugh as he tries to look over his shoulder to read the back of the shirt.

“No, I haven’t been to the fights yet. You work at Tire Town Auto Body Shop?”

“For the time being.” His eyes drift away while he says. You can tell that there is more to the story than he is letting on.

“Well it’s comforting to know that you work there,” His gaze falls back on you. “I have the worst luck with cars so it’s only a matter of time before I’ll need to find a shop.”

“I hope nothing goes wrong with your car, but if it does, just bring it over to me and I’ll take care of everything for you. Wait, wait…did you say that you haven’t been to the fights?”

“In my defense I have only known about them for a week! Benny is the only one I know there, but he is either preparing the fighters or organizing the event as a whole. I would feel out of place if I went by myself.”

“Well now you know me and Will and Pope. Come with us.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah,” he rests his hand on the edge of your cart. “It’s actually a pretty fun time. I would love it if you went with me- me and the guys.” You watch his fingers pick anxiously at a piece of tape on the end of one of your boxes.

“Sounds like a plan to me, Frankie.” 

Upon hearing you agree to go with him the corners of his lips curl into a smile. It’s so infectious that you find yourself beaming in the middle of the bustling store as well. His shyness makes you yearn to know what makes him tick. Makes you want to know how to coax that coveted smile out of him. Because maybe doing that will help you smile more as well. 

It looks like he is opening his mouth to say something when he’s cut off by the blaring of his ringtone. He easily takes the device out of his pocket, but falters when he sees the name that's displayed on the screen. His once relaxed demeanor has now been replaced by something tense and foreign to you. 

“I’ve uhh I’ve gotta take this. I’m so sorry.” He hits the answer button and places the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“No worries,” You whisper to him. “I’m sure I’ll see you later.” 

You watch as he nods and starts to walk deeper into the store. Before he gets out of your ear shot you hear him say the name ‘Rochelle’. Leave it to you to be into a man that already has another woman first in line.

***

“Why do we always have to come to this dump? They don’t have any good drinks and the music sucks.”

Frankie sits across from Rochelle at a random table in The Barrel. He knew better than to let her sit at the guy's designated table. He didn’t want her to corrode them the way she had done with him. 

“Why do you want to get back together, Rochelle? We never made each other happy. Our whole relationship was a coked out blur.” 

“But you liked it.” She places her hand on his. It was cold and wet since she had been using it to hold her beer bottle. 

“I’m not the same man I was before, Rochelle. I can’t do shit like that anymore. I don’t want to do shit like that anymore.” He forces himself to look her in the eyes. “You know what it cost me.”

She meets his plea with a scoff and brings her drink to her overlined lips. She never seemed interested in conversations where she wasn’t leading or the center of attention. 

“You were fun. I was fun. We were fun. So what if we needed a little bump every now and then to get there?” Her fingers curl tighter around his hand. “I miss you, Frankie.”

He missed having someone ride shotgun. He missed having someone there when he needed to vent about the shitty day that he had at work. He missed having a warm body to sleep next to at night. He missed having someone to care for. He just didn’t know if he missed her. She gave him a distraction when he needed it in the past, but could she give him the support he needs now? The support he would inevitably need in the future?

“The only way I would consider revisiting ‘us’ is if it's just us. No more coke.”

He can see the annoyance in her eyes as he lays out his boundaries on the table. She slowly retracts her hand from his and coils it back around her glass. 

“Fine.” Her tone is flat.

“I’m not kidding. I want a fresh start. If we are going to try again I want to do it right.”

“Then let's start with that woman’s voice I heard on the other end of your phone today. Who was that?”

“Are you serio- I ran into Benny’s new hire while I was out shopping for stuff for my place. She’s new to the area and doesn’t have a lot of friends here yet. It was just a friendly conversation, Rochelle.”

"Well,” Her voice is syrupy sweet. “You don’t need to be her friend because you’re already mine.”

He really wanted to believe her when she said that. He really wanted to believe that she cared for him enough to change and grow as a person. He really wanted to ignore the sound of the water calling his name the longer he sat with her. 

***

By Wednesday, you felt completely at ease working in the gym. You recognized and chatted with regulars, became quite the sales woman for both memberships and Friday tickets, and were able to kick the washing machine into submission without Benny’s help. Your desk was also coming along nicely too. You had posted notes in your favorite color, a photo you and Robbie took together in a photobooth shoved into the top right corner of your computer, multi colored pens, and even a small filing basket so you could better organize your paperwork. Your new found confidence in the job gave you the push you needed to officially pitch the idea of gym wide air fresheners to Benny.

“I don’t want this place smellin’ like a fruity little spa.” 

“You do know that they make dozens, if not hundreds, of different kinds of scents right?”

“People come here to workout, not pretend that they are on a tropical vacation.” 

“People can’t workout if the smell suffocates them.” You retort.

“It’s not even that bad!”

“You’ve gone nose blind, Benny! Please know that I say this out of the kindness of my heart, but it is fucking rancid in here.” 

“Now you’re just bein’ mean.” 

“Listen, what if I buy some, only the most manly smelling ones of course, and let you test them out? It’s a win-win because you won’t have to charge them on the company card and if you hate them I can just return them all.”

“Alright, but you promise that I will get the final say?” 

“You’re the boss, Benny. Oh, what should we eat today?”

The two of you have been eating lunch together during the week. There is a good window of time right after the gym’s lunch rush and before the after work rush. You even made sure to block off at least an hour in Benny’s schedule around that time so he could have a much needed break. 

“Have you tried that burger place up the street? Goddamn, they’re so good.” 

“Burgers it is then. Text me your order so I know what to get you.”

What? Just because your dad has to be on a strict diet doesn’t mean that you have to be on one.

***

Benny had wheeled his rolly chair all the way from his back office and crammed it behind your desk. Both of you sit snugly with your feast of burgers and fries littered in front of you. The silence is only broken up by the occasional ‘can you pass the ketchup?’ or ‘are there extra napkins in the bag?’. When you have eaten half of your burger you decide to set it down and bring up what’s been on your mind. You know you can’t just come out and ask it so you opt to bring it up gradually. 

“I saw Frankie the other day while I was out and he suggested I come to the fights this Friday.”

“I’ve been askin’ you to come since you got here!” His mouth is still full from the last bite he took. 

“Gross, Benny!” You swat him in the shoulder. “I know you have been asking, but you’re busy helping organize things! You’re the only one I know here.”

You can’t tell if he chooses to keep his mouth shut because you’re right or because you just reprimanded him.

“Frankie said I could go with him and the other guys. Plus I have no social life and it's starting to feel like the walls of my apartment are closing in on me.”

“Regardless of who convinced you to go, I’m happy you’re comin’! You’re gonna have a blast! Fish and the guys throw down pretty hard at these things too so you’ll be in good company.” 

“Yeah I think I will be too.” You have to shove a fry in your mouth to hide the smile you can feel making its way across your lips. Only once you have finished chewing, you don’t want to be a hypocrite, do you bring up what you really have been wanting too. “Can I ask a question? It might not be my place though.”

The man across from you motions, burger in hand, for you to continue. You take a deep breath and rip the band-aid off.

“Well, Frankie and I’s conversation was actually cut short when he got a phone call. I wouldn’t have said anything except- except he looked so tense when he got it? I don’t know, maybe I’m imagining things.”

“No you’re definitely not imaginin’ things. I don’t want to get into Frankie’s business because that's his own shit to talk about, but long story short, a woman is tryin’ to come back into his life that shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”

You pick your burger back up and take a bite as he carries on with his story. 

“The guys and I all found ways to cope with comin’ back to reality after dealin’ with the worst of the worst in and out of the service. Mine was openin’ this place, Will’s was helpin’ other vet’s, Pope’s was bein’ a military consultant, and Frankie’s was…well Frankie’s was Rochelle.”

“Rochelle.” You wanted to feel how her name felt on your tongue. “I heard him say that name when he was walking away.”

“Damnit, Fish.”

***

“So, remind me again why we are here?”

Frankie pulls into Brass Knuckles’ parking lot with Pope in his passenger seat. He knew he should have done this without him. If anyone was going to sniff out that he had a small thing for you it was going to be Pope.

“Benny left some clothes at my place last week and since we were in the neighborhood I figured I would just drop them off.” 

“As opposed to giving them to him on Friday? Which is only two days from now, might I add.” He looks in the backseat and grabs the small cardboard box. “I think he would have made it until then without a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.”

“Shut up and get out of my truck, man.” 

Frankie takes the box of clothes out of Pope’s hands when they both round the bed of the truck and start walking towards the door. He can see you entranced by something on your computer screen through the windows. 

“I also invited her to come to the fights with us this week.” Frankie flicks his chin in your direction when Pope looks at him. 

“You already have her number? Damn, Fish. I thought I worked quickly.”

“No, man,” He groans. “We ran into each other while I was at IKEA on Sunday. I just thought it would be fun, you know? It’s not like that, Pope.” 

“Fish, you were a bad liar when we served together and you’re a bad liar now.” He turns to look at Frankie. “Come on, you think she’s cute don’t you?”

“She’s just cool.” He should have never brought Pope.

“Whatever you say.” 

The chime of the door bell pulls you from your emails. You’re shocked, but not unhappy, when you look up and see the two of them coming through the door.

“Hey guys. I didn’t know y’all were coming by today.”

“I would have texted you, love, but I haven’t got your number.” Pope flashes his signature beaming grin in your direction. 

“Well you never asked, love.” You tease. 

“We wanted to drop some things off for Benny.” Frankie says as he comes up and places a cardboard box gingerly on your desk.

“Who's ‘we’?” Pope gabs. 

Your attention stays on Frankie as you speak. “Oh, sure! He’s in the back office doing…actually I'm not really sure what he does back there.”

When Frankie doesn’t immediately move, Pope reaches over and slides the box towards himself. 

“Hey, what are you-?”

“Let me take this for you, Fish. Why don’t you stay here and get her number for me? Strictly for scientific purposes of course.” You can see a playful look in his eyes when he turns back to his clearly panicking friend. 

“Wait, no it’s-”

“It’s no big deal, exactly.” Pope whisks the box off your desk and starts walking into the gym, but not before tossing you a wink. 

It suddenly feels a little harder to breathe when it’s just the two of you up front. You want to compliment the soft, yellow jacket he is wearing, but no words come. The only thing you can selfishly focus on right now is your heart and how it's beating so hard in your chest that he can probably hear it. 

“It’s nice to see you again.” You think you can hear his voice shutter a bit.

“It’s nice to see you again too, Frankie. Still alright for me to come with everyone on Friday? I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not imposing!” The words tumble out of his mouth. “You’re not imposing. I invited you, remember?” His tone settles.

“Thanks again for that by the way.” 

A silence falls between the two of you. You both must have been racking your brains for something to say because you speak at the same time.

“Did you-?”

“Were you able-?”

Comfortable laughter blossoms and it dawns on you that he might be just as nervous to talk to you as you were to talk to him. 

“No, no you go first!” You choke out while trying to catch your breath. 

“Did you end up getting anything else after I left the other day?” 

“I actually did; thanks for asking! I found a bed frame I liked. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to put it together though.” 

Frankie has never been more grateful for the front desk than in this exact moment. Images of your naked, writhing body cuffed to a bed frame flood his mind. God, he could do anything he wanted to you. He would take it slow at first, not wanting to leave any part of your body undiscovered by his tongue. Then, only when you were begging him, would he give you what you wanted. 

“Frankie?”

“I-I’m sorry what did you say?”

“I asked if you were able to find anything? You didn’t have a basket when I saw you.”

“No, I didn’t. The thing I wanted was just out of reach-stock! The thing I wanted was just out of stock.” He corrects.

“Oh, that’s too bad.” You pray your voice doesn’t give away the curiosity you have about his little slip up. “Here. Let me give you something to make up for it.” 

You take out a pen from its holder and move your stack of sticky notes in front of you. His eyes capture your every move. You write out your number slowly on the small piece of paper as you revel in the knowledge that you have his undivided attention. When you’re finished you sign it with your name and a tiny heart and pray that you haven’t misread this situation. 

“I know Pope was the one that asked for this, but I want you to hold on to it.” 

Your cheeks burn as you hand him your proverbial olive branch. When he takes it from you and reads what you had written he laughs quietly to himself. 

“You know, so you can text me about this Friday.”

“Not for scientific purposes?” He mimics his friend's earlier statement.

“Unlucky for Pope, I was never really that into the sciences.”

“Lucky for me then.” 

He folds up your note and carefully places it into his front shirt pocket. His timing couldn't have been better because Benny and Pope emerge from behind the brick wall as soon as he’s done. 

“I hear that you managed to convince our girl here to come with y’all to the fights, Fish! Good on you!” He comes up and claps his friend on the back. “I’m not at all jealous that you did it when I couldn’t.”

“Benny.” you chide.

“Why don’t you make it up to Benny and come to the bar with us?”

“One step at a time, Pope. One step at a time. I do have something for you though.”

He comes over to you as you start writing your number out again. Out of the corner of your eye you see him give Frankie and Benny and thumbs up. Oh you poor, sweet, incorrect bastard. You nonchalantly pass it to him and hope Frankie see’s that there is no heart drawn on this time. 

“Your reward for being such a big helper today by returning Benny’s clothes. If you text me in the middle of the night and wake me up I swear to God I’ll kill you.” 

“What bliss that would be.” 

“Hey! Unless y’all are gonna workout y’all better get a move on. Just because we are friends doesn’t mean y’all can take up valuable lobby space in my gym.” 

“We’re going, we’re going.” For a man that is getting ushered out of a building, Frankie sure looks happy. 

“Bye, guys!”

They both wave and say ‘bye’ to you and Benny as they open the door and head into the parking lot. Benny heads back to his office before they reach their truck, but you keep watching. As Frankie’s hand curls around his truck door, he looks back at you, and pats over his shirt pocket. Then he disappears inside and drives off with Pope. 

Frankie could feel the note he placed in his pocket burning a hole through his chest the whole ride back to Pope’s place. It made it hard to carry on a simple conversation with him because that fiery sensation was all he could focus on. It was the type of heat that seeped into his very bones and made him feel as if he was glowing from the inside out. He knew you had unknowingly seared yourself onto his heart and that feeling scared him.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

{tag list: @pimosworld @c-justhere @javicstories @saltybutteredtoast @hoeslingz @avastrasposts @bitchwitch1981 @smol-beb @cutesyscreenname }

[bellofthemeadow]

The Road Ahead - Epilogue | Frankie Morales x female reader

Series Masterlist

Previous Chapter

For most of your married life, you dedicated yourself to waiting for Frankie. After each deployment, you patiently awaited his return, longing for the moment when he would be by your side again. During those nights when nightmares consumed his thoughts, you yearned for him to open up to you, hoping that he would find solace in sharing his pain. And as his addiction spiraled out of control, you held onto the hope that he would recognize his problem and seek help. However, despite your countless protests and pleas, you now find yourself waiting for him once more as he ventures off to Colombia, engaged in God knows what.

But this time is different. Determined, you make a solemn promise to yourself: You will never wait for Frankie again.

Rating: M for Mature (18 + no minors allowed)

Word Count: 4K

Warning: Applicable for the entire fic / PTSD, drug use and addiction, postpartum depression, abusive familial relationships, self-hatred, unhealthy coping mechanism, explicit sexual content, violence, mentions of suicidal thoughts, super angsty

Chapter Summary: This isn't the end, rather it is just the beginning of the rest of your life.

Notes: All right everyone, this is it. I can't believe this story is over, I am so happy I took the plunge and started to post online. This experience has been wonderful and you all have been amazing. Thank you to everyone who commented, liked or reblogged this story you guys helped me so much when I thought about giving up. If ever anyone wants more content from this universe I'd be more than happy to answer any prompts or asks. Now I am unto my Joel Miller x reader fic, I know a bunch of you want to be tagged and I am working on figuring out how :D

Hope you all enjoy this last chapter and in the meantime, take care of yourselves and I love you all very much xoxox

Family

"Here you go, a large sparkling water with three slices of lemon. You know I would've made a lemonade if you wanted; it would probably taste better than that stuff. Smells sour as hell." Will puts the large glass on the small table next to the pool lounge chair. You smile over your sunglasses.

"Thanks, Will. I really appreciate it," you express with gratitude. "Lemonade is just too sweet, these days only something that packs a good sour punch can even begin to curb my cravings. I think that if I send Frankie on another midnight hunt for Warheads, he might just end up moving back in with Alma," you add playfully, a mischievous glint in your eyes. As you speak, you pluck one of the large lemon slices off the glass and eagerly sink your teeth into the tangy, bitter flesh, savouring the burst of sour flavour hitting your tongue.

Will scrunches his nose. "Fish told me he saw you put a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids in your vanilla milkshake last week. Anything else we gotta be worried about, except for major heartburns and fried taste buds?" Will teases. You playfully put one of your hands on your taut round stomach. "Gotta keep the little one happy, and he insists that a milkshake with Sour Patch Kids is the breakfast of champions." Will smiles, trying to hide his amusement. "Hope you're still getting all of your food groups, though." You roll your eyes in jest. "My goodness, you're worse than Frankie. Don't worry, this isn't my first rodeo. I know what I'm doing." Will raises his hands in surrender. "My apologies didn't mean to offend. I know you know what you're doing. I just want to make sure you're all right.” A pause, as pregnant as you are, emerges “Are you alright?"

A giddy smile makes its way to your face. "Better than ever. Honestly, you have nothing to worry about, Will. I am thriving," you exclaim as you shimmy your shoulders in a little up-and-down dance. Will softens at your little display. "I am glad, then. You know I am always there if you need anything, right?" "I know, Will. And thank you." You hum in response before a comfortable silence opens between you two as Will looks over to where his brother is trying his best to not burn the burgers under Pope’s disapproving glare.

You gasp as you feel your baby start kicking you as if there's a goddamn karate class going on near your ribcage. You hold your breath for a second, feeling the rhythmic movements, before the kicking recedes. You lovingly place your hand on your stomach, feeling the gentle flutter within. "Are you okay? Is anything hurting? Do I need to get Fish?" Will's voice is filled with genuine concern.

You let out a joyful laugh. "No, no, don't worry, it's all right. Don't bother Frankie; he seems very focused on his task at hand." With a playful gesture, you wave your hand in Frankie's direction, where he's holding a not-so-little Ella just above the water, teaching her the proper way to kick her small pudgy legs to stay afloat. Despite being just over 3 years old, Ella is more interested in gleefully splashing her papa with water kicks than learning any of the supposed swimming techniques. Frankie, however, looks absolutely delighted, and after a particularly vigorous splash to his face, he playfully plunges Ella with him underwater. When they resurface, Ella is screeching with excitement, her tiny fists reaching out to grab her father.

Both you and Will can't help but laugh at the adorable display, shaking your heads with fondness. You return your attention to your growing bump and softly caress it. "When I was pregnant with Ella, she was the calmest little baby around. It all changed when she was born; then she turned into a little tornado," you reminisce, a hint of amusement in your voice. "I hope that since this little one enjoys using my bladder as his personal trampoline and keeps me up until the early hours of the morning, it means he'll be a little ray of sunshine after he is born."

You feel another kick, causing you to huff in response. Your eyes shift to Will, who looks amazed by your side, and you can't help but smile. "You want to feel it?" you ask, noticing Will's uncertainty and the hesitation in his eyes. "Come on, I'm sure he's excited to meet his uncle." Seeing him struggle a bit more, you take matters into your own hands, guiding one of Will's hands decisively to your round, 6-month bump.

You both wait with bated breath, but it's not long before your little karate champion makes himself known. "Woah, that's insane! Does it hurt a lot?" "It's uncomfortable, but nothing that I can't handle." Honestly, you love how rambunctious your little baby boy is. Since you started feeling him, some of your best memories were you sitting on the couch with Frankie's hand sprawled over your taut stomach and Ella sitting in your lap, talking to her soon-to-be baby brother.

"It's been great, magical really. Couldn't ask for anything better." You gulp the last of your sparkling water and suck another lemon slice into your mouth while Will shakes his head affectionately. "I am glad to hear it. We were all a bit worried when you two announced this new baby. I guess we were a bit scared Frankie was going to fall back into... old destructive habits. But I guess we were worried for nothing." Will gulps from his beer, while you munch on your slice of sour heaven.

"I was worried too, don't get me wrong," you admit, a hint of vulnerability in your voice. "Those first few weeks, I was so afraid Will. Couldn’t keep my eyes from Frankie, I hovered like one of his helicopters, like I already condemned him you know. God, I could barely sleep. But now, looking back, I realize that we were all worried for nothing."

You pause for a moment, a sense of pride evident in your words. "It's going to be three years in two months, you know. Three years of sobriety." A spark of excitement lights up your eyes as you share your plans. "I'm planning a pretty big party to celebrate, so you and Ben better clear your schedules for late May," you say playfully, wagging your finger in front of Will's face, reminiscent of a mom giving orders to her child. Will responds with a smile, placing his hand over his heart in a salute stance. "Roger that," he affirms seriously.

You smile, relishing in the tranquillity of the moment, before feeling a pair of wet arms envelop you from behind. An equally wet torso presses against your back, and you can't help but let out a playful screech as you try to wiggle your way out of the tight embrace. Your legs flail in the air as Frankie's nose nuzzles against your neck, eliciting a tickling sensation, and his hands dance across your side. You laugh so hard that tears fall down your eyes, while Will is laughing even harder at your predicament.

"Stop it, Frankie! You're getting me all wet!" You can feel Frankie's smile turn devious against your neck as he hikes up toward your ears and whispers low enough so that Will wouldn't hear. "That's not what you were saying last night when I was getting you wet. You were a bit louder, screaming my name for 'More, more, Frankie!'" He finishes his sentence in a shrill tone, a poor imitation of your voice. You swat him, feeling heat rushing to your body.

Will looks at both of you with a knowing smile before teasing you more. "You look overheated. Maybe you should lie down for a bit." "Shut up, Miller," you grumble. "I can't believe you two are ganging up on me!" you exclaim dramatically.

"Sorry, mi cielo," Frankie begins, attempting to untangle his arms from your side, but you swiftly grab hold of him, keeping his arms right where they were. "Don't you dare, Morales," you assert, a hint of playfulness in your voice. Frankie responds with an affectionate eye roll, nudging your side in response. "Let me tell you, Will, pregnancy makes them hard to follow," he remarks, attempting to defend himself. You let out a displeased huff, not fully convinced. "Don't talk as if all women are a monolith," you retort.

"Sorry, you are right, mi cielo," Frankie says reverently, acknowledging your point. However, a mischievous glimmer dances in his eyes as he turns to face Will. "Pregnancy makes this one hard to follow," he playfully adds, eliciting laughter from all three of you. You let your head fall back onto Frankie's firm torso, playfully nipping at his jaw. "You shouldn't be mean to me. You know it's your baby who's been using me as his private target practice," you retort with a hint of mock indignation.

Frankie's expression softens as he leans in to kiss the top of your head. "You are right. Will my beautiful pregnant wife forgive me?" You respond with an exaggerated haughty tone, pretending to consider his plea. "Maybe, what do I get if I grant you leniency?"

"We could stop by Sonic after the BBQ, grab..." "Milkshake and Sour Patch Kids?!" You screech. "Forgiven, completely forgiven!" You exclaim excitedly. You hear Will laugh in front of you. "You two are a sight to see, making me believe in love and all that jazz." "What can I say? You won’t find a woman like my beautiful wife on every street corner. I gotta make sure that she is as happy as possible. Can't lose her, so if that means that everything in the house tastes like lemon or acid mouthwash, then so be it."

"Where is our little tornado?" you crane your neck trying to check your surrounding as you realize that Frankie came to see you alone. Frankie points back to the pool where she is getting thrown around by an overexcited Benny. It was a hard process to get Benny and Frankie's relationship back to what it used to be. Both men bruised, Frankie believing that Benny wanted to replace him in your and Ella's life, and Benny angry that Frankie would think so low of him.

It was only after you and Will had conspired to lock them in the Miller's basement for an entire day that things had begun to repair themselves. When you had come back with Will and opened the door, you had seen the two men sitting down, their backs against the hard concrete walls, and a bunch of beers littering the unfinished floor. You had scrunched up your nose, put your hands on your hips, and spoke in the same tone you used when Ella was misbehaving. "Are you two ready to get along, or do we need to lock you in overnight?" Will had stood behind you like a bouncer, ready to throw hands if necessary.

But in the end, both men had simply laughed and, clearly drunk, had held onto each other as they scrambled to their feet. The sight would have been rather pathetic if it wasn't for the laughter the two men were sharing. They assured you that they were the best of friends again before launching into a long-winded explanation, cutting each other off with "You know I would die for you, Ben" and "Nothing compares to you, Fish. You are the best man ever." All in all, it was a good result, one that you and Will were satisfied with. You had let the two men leave after getting them to promise that they would start getting along again, which led to another rant on promises, brotherhood, and love. So yeah, satisfied.

Now it was as if all those awkward months between the two men had never existed, and their bond was stronger than ever. Frankie didn't feel insecure that Benny was Ella's favourite uncle (although that changed every day and highly depended on who brought the biggest gift or the sweetest treat—today it was Benny with the new rendition of "Mermaid Barbie"). And Benny was just happy to be a part of your extended family of six.

Frankie tenderly strokes your belly, his touch filled with love and gratitude, before locking eyes with you. In that silent exchange, you offer him an encouraging nudge with your shoulder, urging him to speak his mind. Frankie coughs, trying to mask his nervousness, before finally gathering his words. "Actually, Will, there's something we wanted to ask you," he begins. Will nods, signalling for Frankie to continue. "You know how challenging these past couple of years have been, overcoming my struggles with drugs and everything. But through it all, you've been there for me. You've helped me immensely with the court case, my sobriety, and supporting the girls. I feel incredibly fortunate to have you as my brother, Will."

Touched by Frankie's words, Will's expression softens, genuine gratitude shining in his eyes. "Fish, we're family. I'd move mountains to help you, and your work at the VA has been remarkable. The conferences you lead on addiction and recovery for veterans are making a real difference. I should be thanking you.” A tinge of embarrassment colours Frankie's cheeks, his friend's compliment catching him off guard. Ever since Frankie achieved sobriety and regained his piloting license, Will arranged for him to lead weekly conferences at the VA. Frankie would meet with a group and talk about his experience, the importance of speaking up and opening up, the importance of seeking help, and how it wasn't a failure to help yourself and be there for those you love. Frankie had flourished in this role, finding purpose and fulfillment.

"But really," Frankie continues, breaking through his momentary bashfulness, "I wouldn't be where I am today if you hadn't paved the way for me at the VA. For that, and for everything else, we want you to play a significant role in little Javi's life.”

Will frowns in incomprehension. "Well, I intended to be a part of Javi's life. You don't have to ask so formally." Will teases, while Frankie shakes his head. You come to the rescue, placing a comforting hand atop your husband's, resting on your growing belly.

“What Frankie is trying to ask, Will, is if you would consider becoming Javi's godfather." Will's eyes widen in surprise as if the notion is beyond his wildest expectations. "Me?! Godfather?! Shouldn't you be asking the Pope for something like that!?”

Frankie shakes his head, rejecting the suggestion with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Don't be stupid, ironhead," he retorts. "Pope’s head is big enough as it is being Ella's godfather. And I don't want to inflate his ego any further. Besides, there's no one I'd rather have as my boy's godfather than you."

You see Will soften as tears well up in his eyes. "Thank you, Fish. That means... It means the world to hear that," he says, his voice filled with emotion. "I promise I'll do everything in my power to live up to what you expect of me." You can't help but let out a playful snort, knowing all too well that his formal tone is a feeble attempt to conceal the depth of his feelings. Behind that stoic facade, Will is a big softie, and right now he is on the verge of dissolving into a puddle of tears.

Will clears his throat once again, and you notice tears glistening in the tall blond man's eyes. "I... Thank you, Fish... I... I have to tell Ben!" Will scrambles to his feet and exclaims loudly, "Ben, guess who's going to be the godfather!!!" The response is a shocked "WHAT?!" as you spot Ella attempting to use Benny's head as a trampoline. A snort escapes you as you relax against your husband's chest, feeling a sense of contentment wash over you. With your husband's strong presence behind you, your daughter happily playing with her uncles, and your baby boy safe and snug in your belly, you softly whisper, "I don't think it can get any better than this."

Frankie's gentle humming resonates behind you, his fingers lazily tracing circles on your growing belly. You turn your head, a quizzical expression lighting up your features as you meet his gaze. A warm smile graces Frankie's lips before he leans in to plant a soft, tender kiss on yours.

"I wouldn't know," he murmurs, his voice a gentle caress. "Every day I spend with you is more wonderful than the last, mi cielo. I can only imagine how tomorrow will surpass even today." His words send a rush of heat through you, a deep feeling of being cherished and adored. One you only feel with Frankie.

You shift your body, the weight of your burgeoning belly making it a slight challenge, until you face Frankie, perched securely on his strong, muscular thighs. He holds you close, ensuring you won't slip, his touch providing both comfort and desire. You love how Frankie can make you feel safe and excited at the same time in an overpowering cocktail of desire and want. You press your lips against his, murmuring against his plump ones, "You have such a way with words, Mr. Morales, and I love you deeply." Frankie's smile blooms against your mouth, his affectionate gaze locked on yours.

"I also know how insatiable you've been lately, Mrs. Morales," he playfully remarks, allowing one hand to wander downwards, firmly grasping a handful of your soft, supple ass. He kneads and squeezes the plushness, igniting a delicious tingling sensation throughout your body. You tease him in response, slowly grinding against him, making sure that no one is looking at the pair of you.

"Ah, but I don't think I'm the only insatiable one here, my love," you whisper mischievously as you feel a bulge growing in Frankie’s swimming trunk. Frankie's breath catches in his throat. "Of course, how could I be anything but insatiable when my wife is out here looking like a goddamn dream." You roll your eyes. "Please, my belly is the size of a basketball, and I'm pretty sure my ankles have disappeared with how swollen they are." Frankie starts kissing your face all over, punctuating each kiss with an endearing word: "Beautiful. My. Beautiful. Girl. Never want anyone else." You feel yourself melt against him.

"OI!" Both you and Frankie turn your heads where Benny stands in the shallow end of the pool, Ella perched on his shoulder, her little hands covering her eyes. Benny's exasperated tone fills the air. "Can you save that for the bedroom, you animals? There are children around!”

"Pendejo," Frankie whispers under his breath, while you try to wiggle out of his grip and gather yourself in a more presentable position. But Frankie holds you where you are. "It's high time you find yourself a girlfriend if you need to get your rocks off looking at my wife and me!" Frankie screams back.

Benny gets all red and huffy, and you can hear some expletives being thrown your way. "Goddamn idiots... acting like high school kids... no shame... A girlfriend?! Idiots." In response, Ella swats him hard on the head where she is still resting and screeches, "LANGUAGE! Mama, 'cle BenBen said a no-no vord!" You smile. "Indeed he did, Estrelita. Looks like Uncle BenBen needs a little punishment!" Ella erupts into laughter, thoroughly amused by the prospect, while Benny's expression betrays a mix of fear and unsureness as Ella proceeds to sway back and forth on his shoulder screaming loudly about the bad language.

"You think we should rescue him?" Frankie asks. You consider the situation before responding with a noncommittal tone, "Nah, he's a big boy, he'll be fine.”

Frankie looks pensive for a second "Do you ever regret it?" he asks, his tone laced with vulnerability.

"Regret what?" you reply, genuinely puzzled by his inquiry.

Frankie's frown deepens, and he searches for the right words to convey his thoughts. "Taking me back. Starting again. No one would have blamed you if you had chosen to leave,” Frankie, for all the work he has been doing for the past three years, for all the individual and couple therapy he has attended, still sometimes feels like a scared little boy, yearning to be good enough for those he loves.

A soft smile graces your face as you gently stroke his cheek, your touch filled with reassurance. You guide his hands to rest on your taut stomach, emphasizing the life growing within. "There is no one I would rather be with than you, my love," you say tenderly. "Nowhere I would rather be than in your arms. You are everything to me—always have been and always will be.”

As Frankie's tears flow freely, his emotions cascading over him, he keeps his forehead pressed against yours, seeking your warm solace and quiet reassurance that he is enough, that he is loved. Frankie’s voice quivers as he whispers, "I love you so much, Mi Cielo. Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” A tender silence wraps around you both, allowing space for the weight of his words to settle between you. Frankie's murmurs against your collarbone provide comfort, his soft words acting as a balm to your souls. After a minute, Frankie's voice gently resurfaces. "The road ahead looks rather bright," he begins, his tone soft yet resolute, "and I can't wait to keep walking it with you."

Your smile widens, illuminating your face with pure joy as you savour the sweetness of Frankie's words. The road ahead does shine brightly, you think, as you tenderly place a kiss on Frankie's lips. And no matter how stormy it may become, as storms are inevitable on any journey, you are certain that you wouldn't walk it with anyone else by your side but your beloved Frankie. Like the sun and the sky, you are forever intertwined, destined to navigate the highs and lows together, casting light on each other's path.

Loving each other until the end—that's the life you've always wanted for yourself and Frankie and as you feel another kick from your baby boy and feel Frankie screeches excitedly and he start talking to baby Javi (well to your belly) in quick Spanish, praising the to be born baby. And as you spot baby Ella trying her best to run after Will and Benny while Pope eggs her on you thnk back to when she could barely crawl around. Your hands join Frankie and you feel your heart swell with love and happiness, yes this is all that you’ve ever wanted.

Loving each other until the end—that's the life you've always wanted for yourself and Frankie. As you feel another kick from your baby boy and hear Frankie's excited cheer, expressing his love and admiration, you can't help but smile. He speaks to baby Javi in Spanish, filled with warmth and anticipation, knowing that your family will soon be complete.

 Across the yard, you spot Ella as she playfully chases after Uncle Will and Benny. Surrounded by the warmth of your found family, you feel a deep sense of contentment. This is everything you've ever wanted—the love between you and Frankie, the growth and happiness of your children both here and yet to be born, the bonds of friendship that only strengthen over time. Holding Frankie's hand, you know that together you will continue to build a life filled with love, support, and countless moments of joy. This is the life you've always dreamed of, and it fills your heart to the brim with love. The road ahead is bright indeed.

[nomsfaultau]

What would you say is your favorite part/scene of fault, also what do you imagine Red to taste like?

For one, Red’s texture would be kinda awful. Like thick water that prefers to clump to itself in tendrils. I imagine Tommy misses forks a lot. Red tastes slightly salty and a little bit metallic. Since it basically magically floods the amygdala in order to produce a flight or fight response, I functionally compare it to adrenaline, which can result in a metallic taste in one’s mouth. The salt is since Red is also kinda analogous to sweat. Ew. Potential other flavors when he’s super duper stressed include bitter (adrenaline concentrations) and sulfur (fear sweat). Tommy would not be delicious if he was having a panic attack that’s for sure.

And ahhhhhhh favorite scenes! Such a tough one! I’ll break it up by character bc I’m not getting anywhere else wise:

Tommy: Ember. The scene where Tommy fights against his touch starvation in order to finally let go of his toxic relationship with Philza. When Philza’s affectionate touch begins to burn him and Tommy finally recoils. Just…recognizing that his desperation has led him to ignore so much and finally learns how to stop blaming himself for everyone. Even if Tommy was acting on misinformation, getting Philza off a pedestal was still huge. Philza: Malachite. When he returns to his Collected in full dragon mode. Something just hits me about a massive dragon being guided home by tiny bees. The beauty of him but also the sheer destructive force. And the pure uncertainty of it, if Philza even remembers his loved ones at all. The terror of not only the heart break if he doesn’t, but also the possibility that such a powerful destructive creature could slaughter his children and not even notice. Tommy’s swirl of gut wrenching emotions and awful hope as he’s face to face with a massive dragon, only to get licked. One of my favorite cliff hangers tbh. Also the entire amnestic arc is such a fun way to explore different facets of Philza after he haunted the narrative for ages. The Blade: Unfortunately most of his coolest scenes haven’t been posted yet. But I do adore the fight scene in Alabaster where The Blade is having this epic show down with the organ house (creature pulled straight from my nightmares). He caused the problem by trying to take care of his friends, and he’ll solve it using exactly that. Very good indicator of the larger problems he faces. Also the fact he’s doing a Cool Fight Scene…while his mane is in braids, his hooves are covered in nail polish, and ‘Tommy wuz here’ is plastered on a tusk. The Blade can just get silly with it in a way the others can’t sometimes, and it’s refreshing to have the most chill functional guy be the one with bloodthirsty voices. The Blade makes the active choice to be far less edgy than he could be, and I adore him for that.

Wilbur: Midnight. It’s such a small scene, but the moment where Wilbur is out stealing food and he comes across a pet dog. I think it perfectly encapsulates the warring tension inside Wilbur between his pure survivalist mindset and his softer side. I like the way he refuses to let himself admit what he’s doing as Wilbur tries to forget everything that happened in the Foundation, which simultaneously leaves the reader in suspense for what he’s doing as he inches his knife closer to the dog’s throat. And that last line that suddenly says so, so much about the memories Wilbur is repressing: Wilbur really, really did not like shock collars. Perfect amount of building suspense to an answer that only creates far more urgent questions it refuses to address.

Tubbo: Old Gauze. Might be recency bias, but I just love when Tubbo decides to start screaming at Philza in the middle of the woods. It really encapsulates some of Tubbos’ glaring predjudices but also the flaws in Philza’s simplistic morality system (or lack thereof). Tubbo has a lot of unhealthy beliefs about hatred, guilt, and empathy. Plus the utter hypocrisy of saying Philza has no empathy while actively dehumanizing Philza…delicious. I think in stories with a moral of ‘killing people bad :(‘ it becomes really easy to make the pacifist character the unequivocally good guy. And I want Tubbo to be just as messy and flawed as everyone else. (Also really like the tiny scene in Atramentous where Tubbo starts disassociating about proper tree trimming techniques while their house is literally being invaded by Foundation soldiers.)

Though really any scene where I get to mash different character’s moral philosophies against one another like a kid with action figures automatically gets a lot of my love. I imagine readers probably have vastly different favorite scenes than I, given some of them are tiny in the grand scheme of things. Feel free to share parts that made you unhinged.

[spotsupstuff]

Whats AOD relationship with Ko ? (Like good friend, partner, family, ect) because I can't really tell.

i can't fucking tell too they just Exist and are Very Close but also they quite well get me like

when trying to explain them

the only thing i know for sure is that they aren't romantic partners. Disdain doesn't think to be looking for something like that and Ko has understandable Trust Issues towards the idea of a girlfriend/fiancé/wife. he's stuck like this Because of a romantic partner, you could say he's almost outright allergic and repulsed by the idea of getting into another relationship because of the trauma. and since he's a ghost, which is a thing emotionally stuck and unable to really heal and move on (and when it does that's when it passes on to next incarnation), he can't get out of this mindset

in a better version of the events And when Ko would be present in the time of Iterators instead of before, they could've ended up in a similar deal like Sparrows and Euros, yeah, i could see it. but as it is they are like... maybe like childhood friends? friends, not really family, recognize that they aren't family, but it sure Feels like family with how long they've known each other deal. especially for Disdain since she's younger than him. for Ko she's a point of grounding and safety. so she's also smth similar to him like he is for her, but more instance is put on the idea of a person being/feeling like your home

but Also

their relationship keeps reminding me of like. there was this one short video on utube that touched on the more common presence of cannibalism and romantization/sexualization of it in current media (like vampires). that current society has such deprivation of healthy loving relationships (including platonic ones) that when it comes to romantic love that what is present, it is no longer enough. loving isn't Enough. one needs to consume the other. own them in Such animalistic way as food. and that it speaks about the current state of the civilization not only to the deprivation of the relationships but also of more personal things like specifically self-worth. you want to be bitten, you want to be eaten, you want to be owned but why. that is no longer love, that is possession and obsession. anyway in comments of that vid people peeped up about vor€ at some point too ofc, inevitable thing, but it does add to the discussion and it sure is an interestin one 👁👁

Disdain and Ko feel in similar vein to me. its not an entirely healthy relationship. but because of What both of them are there isn't really a way around it than it be based off of something wrong. Ko just on the principle of his undead existence is inherently an unhealthy leeching thing though he may not want to be. he DOES want to be alright, he does want to be a normal good person just living their life but can't. his chance to be that has passed

Disdain is a sensible good person with well set boundaries for what she will allow others do to her and what she can do to others, but also she's an Iterator. thing made to be a god. she might as WELL be an actual god to Ko, because he's so torn down, so low next to a normal Ancient that she's unbelievably high and powerful next to him. he's just a little shard of a proper living being and she is Millions of proper living beings

so the more powerful one has to keep ensuring that this unhealthy fucked relationship is a healthy one cuz the other party is as capable of doing that as a completely paralyzed person is capable of walking by themselves. as i've said in their intro post they have an… Interesting relationship

but tl;dr shit's platonic with a real fucky fucky base

[figbian]

Tell Me of the dunmeshi wip 👀 that title bangs. also tell me about frat au and how much of it is based on The Frat.

dungeon meshi wip CONTAINS MANGA SPOILERS so putting it under a readmore. everyone else has to suffer thru frat au info.

frat au is only Sort Of based on The Frat (dear readers, this fanfiction author joined a fraternity and is a brother of [loud car horn]). due to the like ways fe3h works narratively, it felt a lot more true to a Good AU to be honest to an all-male fraternity, so it draws on The Frat's past (as we didnt haze, but hazing definitely used to occur) as well as info from other fraternities or fraternity-like structures (and a handful of How Do College-Age Boys Behave anecdotes coming directly from my real life college-age brother who is Not a frat boy).

sylvain, dimitri, and others are in a frat. their fathers (plus rodrigue lol) were in this frat. etc. not exactly explored but crucial to the narrative: how traditional fraternities uphold like lineage and legacies in college settings and why that creates bad gatekeeping etc etc etc. basically the ways fraternities suck on an individual level (hazing, unhealthy relationship to substances, pressure to conform to a certain set of standards, etc) AND the ways they operate on a structural level in a shitty way.

the plot however is: sylvain returns from some time off at university. in his time off, he's effectively ghosted his friends and no one knows what happened/why he vanished. felix is recovering from an injury that delayed his journey to become a professional tennis star (<- lol). they've known each other for so long, they both have dead brothers, but also how much do they really know about each other?

posting this snippet SPECIFICALLY for brothers of [siren wail]. i think youll all recognize the inspo for 'the green room.'

“maybe we should shift to explosions,” raphael said as he came back into the room, looking over at the car crumpling into a tree playing on the television. “for the vibe.” “the vibe,” agreed sylvain, privately wondering if there was that much of a difference between crashes and explosions. he figured that any kind of disaster suited the green room. the windowless room in the phi ep basement––named for the carpeting, which had, once, allegedly, been green (sylvain’s efforts to deep clean last spring had failed to prove anything except that one should always wear shoes in the green room)––was less of a vibe and more…well. the couches were all leather––easier to clean if someone puked on them; the ceiling had suspicious stains; the walls were covered in bad murals painted over several years of pledging––and sylvain would know they were bad, being an art history major; the tv sat on a pile of wooden crates. at least the sound system wasn’t terrible. when sylvain wanted to impress girls, he never brought them to the green room. he sat back on the couch and spread his legs. “yeah, fuck it,” he heard himself say. “explosions.”

dungeon meshi fic is suuuper rough rn. its Probably a 5+1 of 5 times marcille's friends died and 1 time they didnt (hahaha) but what i have written so far is all about chilchuck going senile and dying. the fic is very obviously tackling like "what happens when the people you love and remember as young and full of life grow old, and how is preparing for someone's death as painful as their death itself" BUT ALSO is about "what if the dragon part of falin makes her age at the same rate as marcille...and how is that, in some ways, worse than if she just lived as a human did?" bcs As You Know im always interested in the question "when is it true that living beyond when the narrative expects you to is worse than dying?" that part just doesnt have a lot written.

there is NOT a lot written that i posted for wip wednesday but here:

chilchuck has lost most of his teeth, so he has to eat porridge and other soft foods. “at least it’s not monsters,” he says to marcille every morning, which was funny the first few times and now is depressing. “yeah,” says marcille, pouring some sugar into his tea. it’s unclear to marcille––who, despite having half a century to prepare for this, feels unprepared––exactly when chilchuck seems to think it is. he keeps asking about his wife, his shop, his daughters, whether or not they could resurrect falin.  “have i reached out to her?” he asks. his wife, he means. mostly he seems to think they’ve just defeated the winged lion. marcille has not gained much patience in last fifty eight years; having to admit to mistakes she made fifty eight years ago every day for the last couple of years has been––hard. it’s been hard. “no,” she says, gritting her teeth. chilchuck’s ex-wife died fourteen years ago. marcille learned many mornings ago it’s best to convince chilchuck to write her a letter that cannot be sent rather than make him relive his grief every day.

[aurora567]

Little Mouse Ch. 14

Warnings this fic will contain mature themes. Such as but not limited to teasing, kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome, very unhealthy relationships, some elements of non-con/rape, threesomes, drug use, breath play, voyeurism, branding, sex.

Word count: 5780

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The single word reply had been surprising, as were the strings that had come with it. Though Rin should have expected that. After all, she should have known Shigaraki would never have let her leave on her own. But to find herself walking the empty streets with the pale haired man beside her was not expected. He was in a deep blue hoodie with the hood pulled up and into his face keeping him rather well hidden. She didn’t feel as much need to hide herself. After all it seemed clear when All Might had crashed the bar she was unknown. They didn’t seem to have any idea who she was which seemed stupid on their part. It still pissed her off and made her blood boil that no one noticed she was gone. She was once a pro hero’s sidekick, saw tragedy, and then turned to the medical field. Sure she had never made any big name for herself or worked with anyone who was a big name but still to think her work didn’t even realize she was missing. It was enough to do more than irritate her. In one sense it was devastating, in another it made her angry. She was just tossed aside as if no one cared.

Was this what the league had experienced? Was this their shared ground? And the reason Shigaraki had been so interested in her? Thinking she was a similar soul? She wasn’t sure but she couldn’t deny her vision of heroes was quickly changing. And she wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

“I am curious. Why did you decide to come with me? You could have sent anyone to babysit me,” she asked softly, ensuring if anyone was close they hopefully wouldn’t be able to make out her soft voice. But the man walking beside her was quick to glance over at her as she spoke up. She expected him to tell her to shut up or just refuse to answer so when he did she was a bit surprised.

“I simply wanted out of that damn hideout,” well it was a simple enough reason. And who was she to question it. After all, he actually answered her instead of getting upset with her. She softly nodded her head at the answer and let it go as she watched his left hand raise up and softly scratch at his neck a little.

With that she let the conversation drop once more allowing the two of them to walk the streets silently and move around without drawing any real attention to themselves. Which was the main idea after all it wouldn’t be good if someone recognized at least Shigaraki. If hero’s showed up and started a fight in the middle of the street it would be devastating for all the bystanders in the area. After all Shigaraki’s disintegration quirk was not one to take lightly. He could do a lot of damage to people around him who are innocent civilians before he could be caught. That is if he was even caught. Rin imagined that Kurogiri was a simple speed dial away and a portal would open in a heartbeat whisking the villain away.

Rin also took this chance to take in her surroundings. The streets were not ones she knew. And sadly she had no idea where within Japan they even were. She had no way of currently knowing that she was somewhere within Musutafu. The area was foreign to her. Which forced her to trust that Shigaraki knew where he was going to take her to her destinations. She needed to find a pharmacy, that would be the embarrassing purchase. Nothing like buying birth control with a rather socially awkward man. Then she was hungry. Some actual food would be heaven after the string of convenient store junk they had been living off of for who knows how long. Has it been two weeks or three? Maybe it had only been a single week? Rin was losing sense of her days. She was just happy that Shigaraki had not taken her wallet. He had left her with the cash she had in it. Not a lot but enough she could buy what she needed at least. She may not have anything left but oh well.

With that thought she spotted a small little pharmacy come into view down the road. Silently she turned her attention to the door and made her way towards it with the pale tall shadow behind her softly scratching at his neck as he entered the building right behind her.

“What are we doing here?” He asked under his breath as he stuck rather close to her, much closer than she would have liked.

“I need a few things. Some basic first aid supplies would be helpful. I can’t do my job well if I don’t have the proper items,” she said, trying to make it sound as gamer lingo as she could but it was a bit tricky. With that she grabbed herself some basic painkillers, bandages and disinfectant. Though the painkillers were more so for herself. She could be rather sore some days after Dabi was done with her. Though she still had not had a chance to make her way to the back and ask for her prescription yet. That was going to be the worst part as she couldn’t think of a way to get the man to back off a little. She was just going to have to bite the bullet and do it.

Without looking back at Shigaraki she made her way towards the back of the little store just expecting the man was tailing her as he had been since they walked through a portal saving them some walking and keeping the warehouse's exact location a secret. But for now Rin just tried her hardest to ignore her unwanted shadow as she walked up to the pharmacist and flashed the man a soft smile.

“Hello. I need to refill a birth control prescription. The name is Rin Nakano,” she said as she smiled softly. She had to try not to tense up at the intense feeling of Shigaraki’s eyes boring into the back of her head. She could almost feel the threatening glare she was receiving. She just had to hope the man didn’t try and kill her or the poor pharmacist.

“Okay it will be just a moment,” the pharmacist said to which she mumbled a soft thanks and moved to walk back towards Shigaraki who was standing a bit like a creep with his hand in his hoodie pocket, hood pulled up and those red eyes glaring hard at her.

“Yeah yeah chew my head off once we are outside,” she hissed at him under her breath not wanting to listen to Shigaraki at that exact moment nor did she want the pharmacist to think something was up if Shigaraki got mad and throw a child like tantrum in the building. Though he still gave her a growl.

“Don’t give me orders,” he hissed at her as a hand moved up to scratch at his neck.

“Yeah well if you draw too much attention to us that will cause problems. We are missing important party members if you're going to start a battle,” she said softly trying to reason with the man the best she could though she could tell he was still incredibly uneasy and upset. But at least it settled the man down enough that he no longer looked like he was going to disintegrate the shelf barrier between him and the poor pharmacist who did not know how close to death he truly was.

With her name being called she forced a small smiled walked over, thanks the man before grabbing her prescription and turning to grab the sleeve of Shigaraki’s hoodie trying to drag him along with her as she headed to the till wanting to pay for her things and get the hell out of the building before Shigaraki started anything. Damn it he was supposed to be watching her but it felt the other way around she was having to watch and keep him in line instead. Though why did she? She could just let Shigaraki throw a child-like tantrum, draw in some heroes and get himself arrested and she could cry innocent bystander. Ha that wouldn’t work, if anything happened to Shiggy then Kurogiri would have her ass as well as the rest of the league. And Shigaraki was smart enough to know when to call for help and a single phone call is all that’s needed for a portal to open and for all hell to break loose as help would arrive to aid Shigaraki.

So with her things paid for she quickly darted out of the building nearly dragging the pale haired man with her. To which she didn’t think he was happy about but she didn’t care. She needed to get him away from innocent people that were far too close for her liking. Once on the street she slowed down and let go of his hoodie sleeve which she had grabbed onto since grabbing his hand was not a good idea. She sighed softly to herself once she felt like she could relax a little. Sure there were still people around them on the street but Shigaraki didn’t look like he wanted to kill any of them in particular.

“Why did you need to go to the pharmacy for birth control?” Was the question she was bit expecting from the man. And that had her pause and blink her eyes at him. Did he really just ask her why she needed birth control? Was he that unaware? Yeah no he had to know Dabi and her were sleeping together. After all, Dabi made it clear everyone knew since he couldn’t keep his mouth closed. Well fuck Rin was not about to have the sex talk with Shigaraki in the middle of the street.

“Because I had to have it and I couldn’t send someone else for it. Now I’m hungry and want some actual food let’s grab something,” she said quickly trying to change the conversation as she felt her cheeks heat up at the thought that Shigaraki was about to try and ask her about sex. She was not about to have that discussion with him at that moment or hopefully ever.

“Hmm let’s see what do they have for restaurant's or maybe a street cart,” she hummed softly, not wanting to give the man a chance to continue asking her questions. It seemed every time she thought he was going to open his mouth she would say something.

“It will be my treat so don’t worry,” she said quickly as she led him into an actual restaurant. She aimed for one that wasn’t as brightly lit as some of the others she saw. Hopefully that would help hide Shigaraki a bit. Still she knew the meal would have to be quick. But she couldn’t deny a large part of her was really looking forward to having something that wasn’t from a convenient store or something that had to be microwaved.

She could see Shigaraki stressfully scratching at his neck. Rin tried to give him a warm reassuring smile hoping that would settle his nerves. She could understand the skin crawling feeling he may be feeling though. She had never felt the need to look over her shoulder as much as she did during this one outing. Was this what it was like living as a villain? Always worried that someone was going to just suddenly attack them? Because it wasn’t as much fun as she would have liked. And it in turn had her just inhale her meal that she ordered wanting to actually get back to the warehouse. Oh she never thought she would have thought that she would actually want to head back to the warehouse.

At least Shigaraki had kept himself quiet aside from ordering his meal. And didn’t ask her about her stop at the pharmacy again. Ugh she just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world now. Rin was ready for this day to end now as she ate her food and was just as quick to pull out some of the last bit of cash she had to pay for the meal. Once out of the restaurant it felt like she could actually breath again which was a little bit of a stress relief. This was going to take some getting used to as she now felt paranoid even though she herself had never done anything illegal. Well aside from aiding criminals, okay yeah no she was in trouble now.

Ugh Rin needed to stop thinking about this; it was stressing her out and making it worse as she tried to hold onto her morals but that was a real struggle. She knew she was still a good person but the fact that she was currently standing beside Shigaraki willingly ate at her. Where did her loyalties lay? She wasn’t sure. Geez she was giving herself a headache.

“Do you need to do anything before we head back?” She asked Shigaraki even though she had already started walking back the way they had come from, her little bag of supplies in her left hand.

“No,” was the soft hiss she received which was all she needed to hear as she nodded her head softly at him.

“What’s the plan now?” she asked once the streets became empty allowing her the courage to openly ask Shigaraki what was going to happen now.

“I need to build up my party. I need more warriors,” he said simply as they walked. Okay well that wasn’t exactly what she expected to hear but it was more than she expected.

“Yes the party is lacking some good muscle,” she said softly trying to answer in a way he would like it. After all it was easier to keep the man happy than to watch him throw tantrums over nothing. It was really like trying to talk with a young kid.

But with that the walk back remained silent till Shigaraki came to a stop, pulled out his cell phone and proceeded to call Kurogiri. It didn’t even require him to say anything and a portal opened before them. Stepping through the portal was still such an odd and weird sensation as she stepped into the main room of the warehouse and was greeted with Kurogiri standing before them.

As always she flashed the cloud of smoke a smile unsure exactly if he returned the smiles or not but oh well she still always did it. It only took a second for a shiver to run up her back. A quick glance around the room quickly revealed the reason for the slight uneasy feeling. Dabi was standing off to the side, his eyes slits, his lips pressed heavily together. She was almost sure she was watching smoke come up from the edges of his scarred skin. Was it the good skin or damaged skin that was smoking? She wasn’t sure but she felt the need to become a bomb squad member and go over and diffuse the ticking time bomb that was a pissed off Dabi. She quickly thanked both men again and headed towards the smoking bomb ready for whatever she was about to receive.

“What crawled up your ass?” She asked as she watched him glaring at her as she walked towards him. Of course he was like talking with an animal as she watched his top lip pull back to snarl at her.

“What the fuck were you just doing with Shigaraki?” Of course that’s what got him so upset.

“Calm down. You were not around and I needed to go get some things. Shigaraki only said I could go if I took him with,” she said simply as she raised the bag that had been in her hand up to show it off to the man. That at least seemed to have him calm down enough to stop smoking but it was clear that he was still incredibly upset.

“What’s the matter thought I ran away?” She asked with an arched eyebrow and a little snark. Though it was the odd look that flashed across his face as his snarl fell that had her realize she probably had hit the nail on the head. She had not told him she was going out nor had she ever been allowed to leave so he expected her here and waiting for him. Now she felt a little bad.

“That’s not it,” he growled quickly to recover from her realizing he had probably felt abandoned. She sighed softly.

“Alright. Well I want to put away the stuff I grabbed. Come on and help me,” she said as she started walking, indicating for him to come with her. To which he seemed quick to start walking after her.

The days to follow all seemed to fuse together and Rin completely lost track of days. Had it been days? Had it been weeks? Had it been months? Fuck Rin was going crazy loosing her track of days. All she did was eat, sleep, fuck Dabi and chat with the league. Till that morning when Dabi was given a job to do that had him leave for the day. Well there went one of the best ways to keep herself entertained. She would have much more enjoyed Dabi fucking her senseless all day long. He seemed to make it a point when around that the two spent most of that time together naked. The number of bruises, hickeys and scratches also told everyone who saw her what the two enjoyed doing.

Dressed and bored out of her mind she headed for the main large room curious to know who was all around at the moment. The sun had set and only a few dim fluorescent lights lit the hallway before she entered the dark room. Toga, Shigaraki, Compress, and Magne were the only ones who were currently present. Seemed everyone else had their own job to do for the evening. Though the second she entered the room Toga was far too happy to nearly dance as she made her way to Rin.

“Rin have you heard?” She asked, sounding like a gosping high school kid. Then again she kinda was supposed to be a high school kid based on her age. But with a raise of an eyebrow and a tilt of her head told Toga that Rin did not have a clue what she was going off about so she continued, “Twice found some new recruit. Someone with deep pockets that could really help us out. He’s bringing him around tonight.”

A new recruit? Really? Sure she knew that Shigaraki was looking to make new connections and strength to add to his little makeshift army but still it was odd while hiding that he was going to be meeting up with someone. He must have a lot of faith that this person was safe to bring around.

“Oh is that so? Dabi never told me,” she said simply and watched the blonde girl smile widely.

“Well if you ever left your bedroom more often you would have known,” she said teasingly. Fuck okay it was bad when a high school kid is calling you out for spending to much time fucking a guy.

Toga is just lucky she had piqued Rin’s curiosity or she may have just turned around and headed back to her room. Though that really wasn’t healthy for her mental state. Though neither was hanging out mentally ill serial killers. Even Rin had found herself changing. Her attitude grew more sour and rough around these people. Was it just a survival instinct? Was she changing to simply blend in better with the villains? She didn’t know and in some ways she feared the answer. But yet she let it happen all the same.

“So who is coming around?” She asked, still curious what Toga all had to share. The girl loved her gossip after all. So childish but she couldn’t really couldn’t blame Toga after all she was truly still a child.

“I don’t really know. Just some big shot by the way Shigaraki is interested in him. Twice has been the mediator for them and will be showing up pretty soon with the man,” Toga answers as she seemed to dance around Rin. How was the girl so happy? Oh yes mentally ill she didn’t have a care in the world. For being a high school student, well based on that uniform maybe she was a high school kid though she never attended classes so must be a dropout. But still that was a rather big vocabulary for a high school drop out. It was all the more evident to prove that the blonde was smart. She may have some screws loose in her head but she wasn’t stupid.

Well that didn’t tell Rin much aside from the fact that Toga started to go off about how cool it was going to be, was the new guy gonna be interesting? Could she slice him up if Shigaraki didn’t like him? And just everything that ran through the blonde's head was not at all filtered and just came out the blonde's mouth. But clearly this visitor today must be important. Shigaraki was dressed as if going to war. Hands sat all over his body, not just on his face. It very much reminded her of when she had first met the man.

At some point during the nearly one sided conversation Toga and Rin had found themselves sitting on the ground backs to a crate that Compress was sitting on top of as if watching over the two women in the league. Shigaraki was leaning against the wall between two crates as Magne sat on the other crate. With that all conversation came to a halt as the large main door to the warehouse suddenly opened and two figures walked in. The one was easy to recognize. Twice stood wearing his black and white skin tight suit it really didn’t leave much to the imagination. The other man though was new, and odd. The mask that sat on his face reminded her of a plague doctor. Was it a fashion statement? Or something else? She didn’t know and the second her eyes met his, she froze. The most gold eyes she had ever seen met her emerald green ones. Even though the place was dark she had grown accustomed to the lack of light. But his eyes almost seemed to glow in the low light. It felt like she was staring a leopard in the eyes. The man was dangerous, a predator and for a second she felt like a rabbit trapped under his gaze. Pulling her eyes away she looked over at Toga who was asking about the man in front of them and how he was different from any normal criminal. To which Compress was telling her how he was a yakuza member. The last of a dying breed of underground scum was what he was. But Rin bit her tongue as she simply listened, not wanting to draw any more attention to herself.

Rin wasn’t listening to Compress as she knew exactly who the yakuza was thanks to her hero years. But it was surprising to see such a young looking man standing before them. He had to be in his twenties at least but she was having a hard time telling if he was in his mid twenties or not. He looked her age but with only seeing half his face she couldn’t tell. He may be older than herself and she was twenty-three. His skin was pale, but appeared blemish free, he had delicate eyebrows and long lashes. Three piercings sat in his left ear. What she could see looked completely beautiful. It was nearly breathtaking, but still that air of danger around him remained and kept Rin on high alert as she watched him closely.

Rin wasn’t paying the most attention to the discussion going on around her. The man’s voice was slightly distorted with the mask that sat on his face. She didn’t care that they were talking about All For One which was apparently the man Shigaraki called master. Nor did she care about All Might though she was surprised to hear he retired. Now she was curious what happened after the group had been portaled away. What Shigaraki and this young yakuza head talked about didn’t interest her. No, she kept her eyes locked on him waiting to see when the man would attack. After all it felt like she was watching a snake waiting to see when it would strike out and who would it try to strike? Rin could hear Shigaraki move, stepping out from the crates and seemed to stand a little in front of her and to the left. Tension in the air was growing as both men seemed reluctant to yield to one another.

Like a rubber band that had been stretched too far, the tension in the room finally snapped when Shigaraki told the young man to leave. That was all Magne needed to jump into battle. But Rin’s gut sank. She jumped to her feet ready to join the battle, or at least protect herself. Using her quirk Magne was quick to draw the young man in towards her. Though it was the sight of the man removing the glove that covered his hand that had Rin yelling out for Magne to stop. But it was too late. All it took was a touch of a finger on Magnes arm and Rin was forced to watch her seem to just explode from the inside out.

In anger at the loss of their comrade, Compress was the next to jump into the fray. This time it was Shigaraki who called out for the man to stop but it was too late. And although Compress reached him first, for some reason when Compress touched the man nothing happened. This wasn’t good if no one did anything. Compress was going to die next. Compress jumped back but he wasn’t fast enough his left arm was gone. Clamping her hands down onto the ground without thinking she forced a wall between Compress and the man. Which gave Shigaraki an opening as he rushed forwards. Rin didn’t pay attention as she ran towards Compress quickly inspecting the wound at his shoulder where his arm had been removed. It wasn’t the same as Shigaraki’s quirk. This wasn’t disintegration, no it looked like the body had been blown up from the inside out. The cells had been destroyed. She couldn’t fix the arm but she stopped the bleeding. And tried to ease the man’s pain the best she could.

For a moment an all out battle nearly started. Shigaraki had killed a yakuza member before a stalemate had seemed to be met. But when she looked up to check on Shigaraki she found those golden eyes piercing her. It seemed the woman had grabbed the attention of someone she did not want the attention of. Fuck this wasn’t good as she found herself frozen before watching when the man finally turned and left with his cronies.

Once the yakuza group left the building everyone had gathered around Rin and Compress as she had stopped the bleeding but couldn’t actually repair the arm. The cells were destroyed. That man’s quirk was similar to her own but much stronger. He had been able to completely destroy the cells that were Compress’s arm. And Rin didn’t have the ability to repair the atoms and cells. No matter what she tried Rin would never be able to fix that as much as she wished she could.

With Rin watching over Compress Shigaraki was calling Kurogiri back from wherever he had gone off to. With Twice’s help Rin was able to get Compress to a room and had him resting on a bed as she cleaned and dressed his arm before Kurogiri arrived back. There was talk of someone who could help Compress replace the arm he lost. Though she was more fussy over the fact that once the man woke up from his slumber some good pain meds were going to be needed. Though Rin wasn’t sure she could entrust that a group of mentally ill people who could very well have drug addictions could be trusted with morphine or something of similar potency. But still she put the request in quietly to Kurogiri, entrusting he was the only one that would get it for her and not steal any or come back for it,

Sitting on the floor of his room and with Compress sleeping soundly for the time being with a fresh bandage on his shoulder, Rin found her mind wondering. The man who had done this. His quirk was strong, but why had Compresses quirk not worked when he touched him? That gave a sinking feeling that she did not enjoy. It had to be a drug, couldn’t have been someone’s quirk as no one else was in a close enough range to activate such a quirk. Or at least she assumed that quirks that erased others were rare as she only knew of one man who had that ability. She had never worked with the underground hero but she had heard of the stories of his quirk.

Yet a just as unnerving feeling came over her as she recalled the look in those golden eyes as he stared her down as she had been tending to Compresse’s injured arm. It was her quirk that had prevented him from striking a second blow at Compress and that gave Shigaraki the opening to attack and kill one of his men in turn for the life the yakuza boss had taken. The man had never said a word and yet those eyes had looked like they were trying to pierce into her soul. Even just thinking about it had her shiver at the memory.

The sound of soft groans pulled her quickly from her mind as she turned her attention to the man laying out on the bed. His jacket, vest and shirt were removed. Along with his hat, mask and balaclava had been removed so she could see his face. Half lid hazel eyes glanced at her trying to push through the fog of either pain or the drugs she had already given him. It was a bit hard to tell without the machines she was used to having to help.

“Good morning. How are you feeling?” She asked softly as she waited for his gaze to focus on her after she broke the silence and had moved to stand by his bed.

“I’ve felt better but I am sure I could be feeling worse,” he answered as he glanced around the room, recognizing the room.

“Good. Then I’ll cut back on your pain meds. As long as it doesn’t get infected you will be just fine. Shigaraki is already working at having someone make you a new arm,” she said softly as she eyed up the bandages that covered the edge of his shoulder and what remained of his arm after being destroyed.

“Mmm you are an angel,” he hummed softly, giving her a soft smile. Was that his way of saying thank you? Probably.

“I’m simply making sure a friend doesn’t die,” she said softly as she inspected the injury. Though she was surprised with the reply she said without thinking. Was this man really a friend? She knew he was once a performer, who came from a line of villains. He was rather smart and cunning. Though it seemed he cared a lot for those he saw as important. But were they really friends? Would he have done the same for her? Rin wasn’t sure but she had no desire to figure out the answers or think it over any more.

“Yet you're still my angel. Mmm such a beautiful angel,” he hummed the words, his eyes drifting closed.

“Yeah I’m cutting back your morphine,” she said with a light chuckle as she shook her head at the man as he quickly drifted back into a medically induced calm sleep. Though she had to admit it was funny listening to the few sentences the man had been able to get out. With that Rin returned to sitting on the floor leaning her back against the bed. She wasn’t sure she trusted going too far without machines that would notify her if his health took a turn. For now she let her head roll back against the mattress as her own eyes drifted closed after using her quirk so much to heal up Compress’s arm to keep him from bleeding out. It left her feeling exhausted as her eyes drifted shut and she let herself sleep till the sound of someone approaching her woke her up some time later.

The feeling of a boot giving her side a rougher than needed kick jolted her awake as pain shot through her side for a second. The action was not appreciated as she placed one hand on her side and glared up at the man who was glaring down at her.

“Geez what the fuck do you want Dabi?” She hissed at the man in anger as she looked up into those bright blue eyes.

“What the fuck are you doing sleeping on the floor in his room?” Dabi asked, not at all caring to keep himself quiet as he lazily waved a hand at the man laying on his own bed in his own room.

“I don’t have the equipment to monitor him. So I decided to stay close till I know he’s okay,” she said simply. Though it seemed he didn’t like the answer as he glared at her with a growl.

“I don’t care. I expect you to sleep in our bed,” he was upset. But then again when was he never upset with her? Once again she was reminded of how possessive and controlling he could be.

“You can go a night or two without sex and cuddles,” she said, unable to help the rise of an eye brow as she couldn’t help the bratty tone. To which she earned herself her hair being pulled as she was forced to crank her head up as he kneeled down before his lips crashed against hers.

Next Chapter

[mywordhaven]

The Road Ahead - ch 2 | Frankie Morales x female reader

Previous Chapter

Throughout most of your married life, you've dedicated yourself to waiting for Frankie. After each deployment, you patiently anticipated his return home, longing for the moment when he would be by your side once again. You yearned for him to open up to you during those nights when nightmares consumed his thoughts, hoping that he would find solace in sharing his pain with you. And as his addiction spiralled out of control, you hoped that he would recognize his problem and seek help. Yet, despite your countless protests and pleas, you now find yourself waiting for him once more as he ventures off to Columbia doing God knows what.

But this time is the last. Resolved, you make a solemn promise to yourself: You will never wait for Frankie again.

Rating: M for Mature (18 + / no minors allowed)

Word Count: 4.8K

Warnings: Applicable to the entire fic / PTSD, drug use and addiction, postpartum depression, abusive familial relationships, self-hatred, hard relationship to food, unhealthy coping mechanism, explicit sexual content, violence, mentions of suicidal thoughts, super angsty guys (more warnings will be added if necessary).

Summary: Frankie breaks the one promise he swore he never would.

Notes: Hey everyone, thank you very much for the sweet comments/reblog/liked, I appreciate it so much :D I was totally not expecting it. I really hope you enjoy this one, it's got that sweet, sweet angst that I think we all love. After this chapter, we are getting ourselves right into the nugget of the action between Frankie and his cielo. Lmk what you all think xxx

Ao3 link

Broken Promises

You’ve never been this tired before. It’s a strange feeling like you are experiencing a sort of out-of-body experience, looking straight at your bone-tired self barely holding on. “My kingdom for a full night of sleep,” you think, before scanning the room. A rumpled bed, a mix of dirty and clean laundry scattered over the floor, and a half-eaten pack of Oreo cookies on the nightstand “Not much of a kingdom” you sardonically judge. As the minutes tick by, exhaustion takes further hold of you and your eyes begin to shut. You start to nod off, but just as your chin touches the top of your collarbone a small fist slams onto your left cheek, and a loud cry pierces the silence of your bedroom.

"Shhh, Ella, shhh, sweetheart, please be good for Mommy," you softly plead. Weary from the ongoing battle to lull your baby girl back to sleep, you slowly rise from the rocking chair nestled in the quiet corner of your dimly lit bedroom. It's been a relentless night since the clock struck 1:30 a.m., and Estrella seems to have taken it upon herself to ensure you stay awake for as long as possible.

You had hoped that the rhythmic motion of the chair, the gentle sway, and comforting whispers, would coax her back into the land of dreams. Yet the soft lullabies and soothing strokes proved insufficient in settling your little girl. The minutes ticked by, and the hand of the clock slowly etches its way into the night.

You slowly stroll around the room, swaying back and forth while cradling the warm bundle in your arms. As you gaze down at the tiny face nestled against your chest, you tiredly ponder, "Perhaps I should start calling you peanut, don't you think, Ella?" Your fingertips delicately trace the contours of her tiny, discontented face. The sight of her scrunched-up, red face reminds you of those spicy peanuts that Frankie enjoys munching on.

Frankie. It has been an agonizing seven days since you last heard from your husband. When he informed you about his departure on one of Santiago's reckless ideas (damn it all Santi), you pleaded with him not to go. You had tried everything, even resorting to playing dirty by reminding him of his promise to never leave again! And how it would surely negatively impact Ella considering her formative age. You emphasized how important it was for Ella to have her papa with her. How much you needed your husband. You had kept going until the morning, and your voice had faded to a hoarse whisper, but Frankie did not budge.

Instead, Frankie had held you close. Listening to you argue and rage while whispering reassuring words about how everything would be just fine. And as the argument heated up, he switched up his strategy. Instead, sternly stretching how thin money was right now. Like an artist, using his words as brushstrokes, he painted a clear picture of the challenges you were both facing, reminding you of the growing financial strain. Ella, remaining in the background of the conversation, both acutely aware of your responsibility as new parents. He’d coaxed, cajoled, and did his best to persuade you that his leaving was the right course of action. He stressed that, although Pope needed him for this mission, the money he would make would provide the opportunity for you to finally take time away from work to be with Ella. When he saw you start to relent at his words, he doubled down and further pressed how, upon his return, there would be enough funds for him to both appeal his drug sanction and for you to stay home with the baby.

Frankie knew exactly what he was doing. With the precision of a former military man well-versed in analyzing and exploiting the vulnerabilities of his enemies, he exerted pressure in the very areas he knew would make you yield. Nobody understood you better than Frankie, after all. He knew that the prospect of staying home with Ella would be sufficiently alluring. You had returned to work a mere two weeks after giving birth and with Frankie grounded from flying, you hadn’t been able to take any additional time off. At the time, you had bitterly thought that if Frankie had opened to you instead of falling heads first into a puddle of cocaine, he would have never been suspended in the first place. You could have stayed home with Ella, and you wouldn't be so exhausted. You wouldn’t be so sad all the time.

Estrella's piercing cries escalate, reverberating in the air, and echoing through the room. With every decibel, her frustration intensifies, mirroring your own mounting agitation. You struggle to steady your breath, attempting to reclaim a sense of calm amidst her loud wails.

"Please, please, Ella," you implore, your voice quivering with weariness and desperation. "Mommy needs to sleep tonight. Mommy has a long day at work tomorrow."

Estrella's cries momentarily ebb, her searching gaze locking onto your face, her innocent eyes reflecting what you think is a flicker of comprehension. But before a heartbeat passes, her tiny face contorts once more, the weight of her frustration crashing upon your ears like a tidal wave, each cry more piercing than the last. Desperately, you put Ella back in her crib at the foot of your bed and you quickly flee the room, the weight of your emotions propelling you forward. As the door shuts behind you, you let out your own loud sob. You are so tired of always crying.

As you attempt to regain control of your breathing and try to halt the now-intensified flow of tears, a wave of nausea overtakes you. You only just manage to hastily make your way to the nearest bathroom. Sinking to your knees, your grip on your own hair tightens as waves after wave of nausea engulf you. Dry heaves wrack your body, futilely attempting to expel remnants of a dinner that never met your lips the night before. The searing pain of acidic bile creeping up your throat only serves to intensify your desire to blink yourself out of existence, if only for a fleeting moment, escaping the overwhelming cries and suffocating anxiety. As soon as the thought arrives, however, the tears start to swell even further. What kind of mother are you, you silently question, your self-doubt echoing in the quiet corners of your soul. What kind of mother entertains the notion of vanishing from their own child's life? A wretched one, you conclude.

You rise slowly, mustering the strength to rinse your mouth, eager to rid yourself of the repulsive taste of bile. Spitting out a blob of toothpaste into the sink, you catch a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror and recoil from the sight of that hollow husk staring back at you. “What the fuck," you whisper to yourself as disbelief floods your thoughts. You hadn’t found the time to look yourself over in the last few weeks, too busy with the baby, work, and Frankie’s license appeal. You kind of wish you hadn’t looked yourself over right now. You look like a ghost, an exhausted ghost at that—gaunt and fatigued, your skin stretched thin and devoid of life, bearing an ashen hue. Dark circles encircle your eyes, stained with redness from endless weeping. Your hair hangs greasy and limp, the last time you washed your hair was likely before Frankie left, you speculate.

Your mind drifts back to that night, two years ago when Frankie returned home for good (or was supposed to return for good). The unfolding reality had completely shattered the idyllic story you had woven into your mind that night. Frankie tried; goodness knows he tried his hardest. But even within the comfort of your shared home, he couldn't elude the relentless demons that haunted him at every turn. It pained you to witness his withdrawal, but he insisted, left and right, that he was fine—that it was normal for discharged soldiers to struggle with readjustment. He assured you he wasn't the first, nor would he be the last, and that all he needed was a little time for everything to work itself out. "You worry too much, mi cielo," he would say before leaving the house each morning, following yet another night plagued by nightmares.

The whole facade of “getting better” quickly lost its lustre when, in an uncharacteristic fit of rage, Frankie had aggressively confronted a young man who had set off firecrackers on your street, nearly beating the poor guy. You had seen the anger and fear contort his normally gentle features, and you were certain that if you hadn't intervened, the situation would have turned violent. Afterward, with tears streaming down both your faces, Frankie held you. With his face tucked in your chest, he had apologized and begged for your forgiveness, promising that it would never happen again. And, in a rare moment of vulnerability, Frankie quietly shared how it sometimes felt like a dark presence consumed him from within—he could be walking down the street, only to be transported back to whatever hellhole his mind had conjured especially for him.

He had gone on about how he couldn’t do any of this without you. In the end, you had forgiven him. But not before making him promise this kind of violence would never happen again as you wouldn’t tolerate it. To his credit, Frankie never exhibited any violent behaviour again. Well, at least not in your presence.

After that day, you tried your best to be firmer with him. You had pleaded with him to seek therapy, thinking that the moment he opened to you was an overture. But Frankie mostly shut it down. Always founding excuses to delay by finding new reasons for not making an appointment each and every day. The cycle persisted with you nagging and him delaying until one afternoon when you returned home to find him on the couch, a distant and ashamed look in his eyes. The mere sight of him caused your heart to plummet. It turned out that Frankie had chosen to self-medicate. At that point, you were three months pregnant with Ella, and to this day you wonder if you would not have been better to walk out that sunny afternoon.

You knew Frankie carried immense guilt from that day. You could see in his eyes how much he despised himself for what he had done. He vowed never to touch cocaine again, promising to put in the work and pleading for you to stay. He wept and wept, and in the end, you chose to remain by his side only if he finally committed to therapy. This was the last strike, you told yourself, and had decided not to give up on him. In sickness and in health, right?

But to your joy, throughout your pregnancy, Frankie's support had exceeded all your expectations. He not only tended to your needs but also went above and beyond to ensure your comfort. From keeping your favourite snacks within reach to massaging your tired feet without even needing to be asked. Yet, among all the beautiful moments, one memory stood out as the most cherished. It was when the two of you would settle on the couch, engrossed in a shared TV show. During these tender moments, Frankie would lovingly rest his head on your gently rounded belly, hoping to connect with the little life growing within. Softly, he would speak to your baby, already creating an intimate bond that filled your heart with warmth.

Those blissful months, both during the pregnancy and in the ensuing months, were magical. Despite the challenges, what mattered most was that Frankie was with you, supporting you and sharing in the journey which made every hardship feel insignificant. It was in those moments that you truly felt that Frankie had come home. As if on a rocket launch, Frankie also seemed to have gotten his mind together following his suspension. He had managed to secure a job at a garage, but the hours were minimal, and the pay meagre. But, despite it all Frankie had been determined to persevere and make the most of this opportunity, all the while preparing for his license appeal.

 However, everything crumbled a week ago. Like every second Friday, Frankie joined his friends to watch and cheer on one of Benny's fights. But as Frankie arrived home late that night, his expression of guilt etched across his face sent an unsettling shiver down your spine. The following day, Frankie was gone.  The only detail you could scrounge from him was that he would contact you three days after the mission concluded. Now, seven days have passed, and anxiety gnaws at your core more violently with each passing day.

After splashing water on your face, you make your way back to your bedroom, where Ella's cries have diminished, leaving behind traces of fatigue on her tiny, reddened face. Bending down, you scoop her up into your arms and begin to hum a gentle lullaby in Spanish. It's the only one from Frankie's repertoire, a sweet melody he had learned from his Abuela during his childhood. As you hold Ella close, her cries gradually subside, replaced by the comforting rhythm of her soft breath against your shoulder. It soothes your heart to witness her drifting back into slumber. So sweet and innocent.

"Oh, my poor little star," you whisper, your voice filled with tenderness as you gaze at Ella. "You miss your daddy, don't you? I miss him too, and I know he misses you just as much." Leaning in, you plant a gentle kiss on her tiny forehead. "I'm so sorry, Ella. It breaks my heart that you're stuck with me. You deserve so much more."

Placing one final kiss on her tiny nose, you carefully lower her back into her crib. As you slowly tread back to your own bed, you feel its emptiness and coldness, a constant reminder of Frankie's absence. Yet, in this moment, you're uncertain if you would even welcome his presence. Slipping beneath the covers, you glance at the clock: 3:30 am. A sigh escapes your lips. Four more hours before you must get up for work. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

______________________________________________________________

You are abruptly awakened by a jarring, high-pitched beep. Unsettled by the noise, your drowsy eyes struggle to focus on the clock, revealing the time: 5:15 am. You hastily spring out of bed, desperately hoping that Estrella won't stir from the ruckus. Clumsily grabbing your phone, you stumble out of the bedroom, nearly hitting your head on the frame.

"What kind of deranged person calls at this hour?!" you vent, frustration mounting as you spy a string of numbers on the screen that holds no significance. "Hello? Hello?" your anger is met with silence. "Seriously, if this is some sick prank, it's not fucking funny! Some of us have babies who are trying to..." Before you can finish, a voice on the other end of the line interjects.

"Mi cielo..."

"... Francisco?" you gasp, barely able to catch your breath.

"It's so good to hear your voice, cariño," Frankie softly replies, his tone strangely subdued.

" Oh my God, Frankie are you okay?! Where are you?"

"Somewhere in Peru," he quietly responds after a pause.

"Peru?! My God are you safe?" you ask, concern lacing your words.

"I am, mi cielo," he replies, but his tone betrayed him. You know he isn’t okay.

"What happened, Frankie? Are the others with you? I was worried sick, you told me three days, it's been 7!" you cry out, your worry pouring through your words.

"I know, mi cielo, I know. I'm so sorry. Shit went from bad to worst. I never wanted to worry you like that. The others are fine, I mean..." Frankie stumbles over his words before weakly admitting, "Redfly is dead."

"What? Tom is dead?!” you interject, shock and confusion mingling in your voice. You had seen Molly just 2 days ago, she was with the girls at the grocery store. Tom’s oldest had even played peekaboo with Ella while you were confiding your worries to Molly. She had assured you that for all his faults, Tom was a devoted CO and would look after your Frankie.

"While we were making our way back through the Andes, we encountered..." Frankie begins to explain.

"What do you mean you encountered? What were you guys doing walking through the Andes?! You said it was going to be a simple in-and-out!" you interrupt, baffled.

After a weighty pause, Frankie reluctantly continues, his voice laced with culpability, "Our transport failed, it was my fault. There was an accident, and Redfly didn't make it. We carried his body so that Molly and the girls could say their goodbyes."

"Oh, Frankie I am so, so sorry,” you whisper, overcome with a mixture of grief and sympathy.

"I should have listened to you! This entire mission was doomed from the beginning, a disaster waiting to happen. I never should have gone. Maybe if I hadn't, Redfly would still be alive, and I would be home with you and Estrelita," Frankie ranted, his voice quivering with tears.

"Frankie..." you begin, the weight of his words sinking in.

"I'll make it up to you, mi cielo. I'm never leaving again. I never want to leave my girls ever again."

"You said that before..." you quietly whisper. You know it’s unfair after everything he’s been through, but you can’t help yourself. Pain and resentment have made themselves at home deep within your heart, and it’ll take more than a phone call to dislodge them.

"Cariño..."

Wiping away the tears that have started to traitorously stream down your face and with exhaustion seeping into your bones, you keep going, "Estrella is well. She still can't sleep through the night, but Mrs. Hu says she is the loveliest baby she has ever seen. She misses her daddy though." After a brief pause, you add, "We both do."

"I'm so sor..."

"Please, Frankie, I beg you, stop apologizing. Just make sure you come home as soon as you can, alright? We'll figure it out when you're home safe with us," you plead, vulnerable.

"I promise mi amor, I'll be home as soon as possible. I'll be on the first flight today and be home before you know it."

"Good. Please be careful, Frankie."

"Cariño..."

His words are cut off by Estrella's cries from the bedroom. A tightness grips your throat as a lump forms, and you speak with a strained voice, "Can you hear her? It looks like she's ready for her daddy to be home." You tightly press your fist against your mouth, attempting to stifle your sobs.

"I'll be home soon, mi cielo, I promise," Frankie pleads. "Te amo. Te amo. Te amo." He repeats it like a prayer, softly uttered at your altar.

You are unable to speak, your throat too constricted. "Me too," you weakly respond. "I have to go check on Ella. Please be careful."

You end the call and take deep breaths, attempting to steady yourself. The room spins around you, and Estrella's cries echo in the background. As in a trance, you make your back to your bedroom.

"Daddy is coming home, my sweet love," you softly coo, your voice filled with anticipation. Estrella's tired eyes meet your teary gaze, and you can't help but laugh through your tears as Ella sucks on her tiny fist. "My little peanut, Mama will always take care of you. No matter what comes our way, even though you deserve so much more, I promise to be there for you and do my best," you pour out. As Ella drifts back into the realm of dreams, you reach out to the bed and grab Frankie's worn green blanket, hastily tossed aside in your haste. Holding it close, you settle into the rocking chair in the corner, with Ella snuggled against your chest, softly snoring. You drape the scratchy duvet over both of you, the feeling of the coarse blanket bringing some comfort amidst the whirlwind of emotions. Enveloped in its warm embrace, you surrender to drowsiness, cradling Ella in your arms and gently whispering sweet nothings into her ear as you drift off to sleep.

______________________________________________________________

Frankie's gaze remains fixed on his phone, staring at the now empty screen as if willing for your phone number to appear. He yearns to hear your voice again, to hear you reassure him that everything will be okay. He longs for the warmth of your embrace, your fingers gently caressing his hair while he tenderly kisses the back of your neck. The more he stares at the phone, the more a sense of desperation and self-hatred wells up inside him. It's not directed at you, never at you. You and Ella are the only sources of goodness in his life, and he feels he's managed to ruin it all, just like he always does. He has always strived to be a better man for you, always felt unworthy of your love.

He is a man hunted by years of military service and he is acutely aware of his shattered spirit, his inability to adapt to the mundane civilian life. At the VA, he had witnessed the procession of broken men and women, who sacrificed their very beings for their nation, only to be spit out by a system that didn’t give a shit. If not for you and Ella, he fears he would have joined their ranks.

After retiring from active duty, which feels like a lifetime ago, he lived in a perpetual state of limbo. But you were there, his beacon of sweetness, compassion, and patience. For half a year, he held his breath, anticipating the day you would wake up and realize the mistake you made when you said yes and married him. You would finally leave him then and Frankie would be alone, as he deserves. But you never did. You stayed, defied his expectations, and shattered his self-inflicted prophecy. He knows you want him to open his pain to you, to unravel his sadness at your feet, but he is trapped in a prison of his own silence. Unable to be the man you need him to be for both you and Ella.

His subconscious tortures him with these anxieties every other night through relentless nightmares. In some of the worst renditions, he finds himself behind you, following you from a distance unable to touch you. As he tries to catch up, he must crawl through mud, blood, and gore, dragging him down as you seem to float away from him. He screams, but you can’t hear him. When he finally catches up to you, he reaches out his hands and notices their bloodied state, realizing how repulsive he is and how he doesn't deserve to hold you. He always lets his hands drop, watching you walk away with that radiant smile of yours that still brightens his heart, even after all these years. You always call out to him, "Come on, my love, you're falling behind." And he knows he is. But he can't take your hand, can't subject you to his darkness.

His grip on the phone tightens as the tormenting voices in his head grow louder: "She'll leave you now, for sure," "You're unworthy of her," "She'll take Ella and walk away, and you'll deserve it," "Good-for-nothing addict." He hurls the phone across the room, shattering it into pieces. The room feels too small, Frankie feels himself suffocating by the 4 walls, a perfect representation of his dark thoughts closing on him. Quickly, Frankie rises and heads downstairs. In the lobby, his eyes catch sight of the open café bar. He enters and makes a beeline for the imposing counter. Taking a seat on an unsteady stool, he addresses the man behind the counter:

“¿Todavía estás sirviendo alcohol?”

“Sí, lo estoy.¿Qué te puedo servir?” responds the burly bartender.

“Un café y 3 shots de whisky.” Answers Frankie.

“¿Noche difícil?” the bartender asks.

“Vida difícil.” Frankie replies.

“Jajaja, ¿asumo entonces que estás casado?” he queries, as he places the three shots in front of Frankie and begins preparing the coffee.

Frankie swiftly downs the first and then the second shot. Taking a deep breath, he responds:

“Ella y el bebé son lo único que hace que esta maldita vida valga la pena. Y lo arruiné.”

Shaking his head, the bartender goes on, “Dile cómo te sientes, discúlpate y ruega. Si la amas tanto como dices, al menos te escuchará.” Frankie looks away guilty at those words. He knows you and he knows he is being unfair to your love.

“Gracias por el consejo.” Frankie acknowledges.

“De nada, es un placer. Va incluido con el café.”

Frankie lets out a laugh before finishing his last shot, while the bartender attends to the bustling morning crowd. There is no sign of Will or Benny, not even Pope who lives in these kinds of places.

From the corner of his eye, he notices a slick, well-dressed man settling onto the stool beside him, promptly ordering a large black coffee. The man's gaze falls upon the three empty shot glasses before emitting a sly chuckle, locking eyes with Frankie.

"Rough night?" the man inquires, his voice laced with a sleazy undertone.

"You could say that" Frankie responds, attempting to shield himself by burying his face in his cup of coffee. He'd rather not air his problems for all of Peru to see. The lingering buzz from the shots slowly warms him from within. God, he's so exhausted. Sleeping on the cold ground of the Andes for the past week has taken its toll. He isn’t as young as he used to be, age crept up on him. Now, all he craves is to be back home, wrapped in your loving embrace with Ella between you two. Damn it, he even misses that green itchy blanket.

Unfortunately for Frankie, the man seems oblivious to his cues and continues to pry.

"Well, my friend, I think I have just the thing for you," the man remarks, reaching into his side pocket and producing a small baggie overflowing with white powder. Frankie's body freezes.

He hasn't touched that shit since the day he got busted. He promised you he would never use it again, and he has kept that promise. The only one he has kept so far.  A cold droplet of sweat glides down his spine as he becomes entranced by the sight of the little baggie, its contents tempting him with the promise of quieting the voices in his head, numbing the guilt he carries for you, for Ella, for Tom, and for all the other fucked-up things he has done.

"So, you interested? You look like you need it. I'll even give you a discount, my man!" The man slaps Frankie on the back while jiggling the baggie as if to intensify the allure.

"Take it," his conscience whispers, taunting him. "You've already screwed up; what's one more mistake for the road? She won't even find out, and you know what they say, ignorance is bliss.”

Frankie shuts his eyes, and in the darkness, he envisions you—holding Ella in your arms with that disappointed frown of yours. But the moment his mind conjures your image, it fades away, replaced by the haunting sight of Tom's lifeless body sprawled on the ground. A bullet in his head.

The conflicting scenes play out in his mind, like a relentless tug-of-war between his love for you and his hatred of himself.

“Final chance, my man. If you're not interested, I'll find someone else," the well-dressed man leers, his voice oozing with sleaze. The allure hangs in the air, teasing Frankie. Should he yield to one more mistake?

Frankie's trembling hand reaches out, fingers quivering as they inch closer to the small bag before him. At that moment, a surge of regret and guilt floods his senses, clawing at his conscience like relentless demons. His heart aches with the weight of his past mistakes, the pain he has caused, and the promises he has broken. The promise he will break.

Frankie clenches his fists as he seizes the bag, his fingers tightly closing around it. Doubt swirls in him as he wrestles with the bitter truth—he wasn’t a good man and he sure as hell wasn’t worthy of redemption. What difference would one more mistake make?

So, Frankie surrenders. He abandons the fight and lets himself fall. As he pays for the chemical release that will soon free him from himself, he feels your arms holding him tightly and your mouth planting gentle kisses on his face, providing the comfort he so desperately craves. But reality sets in; you're not there to catch him. So, he makes his way to the nearest bathroom, and three words echo incessantly in his mind, like a broken record: “Ignorance is bliss”.

He fucking hopes that it’s true.

[insecure-amphibian]

OC Headcanons: Daika Betsuno

Sometimes the OC thoughts are headcanons like. Yes, this is my character but I don't know them. I just think they'd be like this. I may be their creator but I am not all knowing.

While my original reference sheet listed them at 5'7, I am making them shorter. Daika Betsuno is 5'5 now. I have removed some of their shins.

I myself do not know what AGAB Daika Betsuno is. Gender simply failed to show up when they were born. Gender didn't involve itself in Daika's life and now Daika rejects gender like a shitty father figure.

Despite, or perhaps, because of this, Daika Betsuno has 'Schodinger's boobs' in which they both do and do not have breasts but they definitely wear a binder all the time if they do. Just for comforts sake.

Irrationally afraid of the shower. They're convinced if they go into a shower their narcolepsy is going to kick in and they are going to pass out and drown to death in the shower.

Takes their hygiene incredibly seriously despite this. However they do think axe body spray can substitute a full shower.

Weirdly high pain tolerance. Like to the point they think it's fun to show off. Kazumi and Daika have a game of 'lets see how hard I can dig my nails into your arm before it hurts you' and Taro begged them to stop doing that when Kazumi drew blood.

Could probably solve a rubiks cube.

Has no hobbies (too tired :( ) (except cooking. Cooking is fun and makes them necessary. Everyone loves food and will not abandon them if they provide food.)

Not very motivated to do anything. They tend to just follow where life leads them or what other people want them to do because they were not raised in an environment where they were allowed to cultivate desires and objectives.

On the bright side because they will go along with anything, they are a master at bit commitment. This delights Kazumi to no end!

Latches on to anyone who is even vaguely nice to them to an unhealthy degree but is in no headspace to recognize that it is an unhealthy attachment. Will also do pretty much anything to keep the people they are attached to around.

They wear an oversized uniform to hide how almost concerningly skinny they are. When they first were recruited they were skin and bones but have put on some weight since. It wasn't because they were concerned about it. Actually their benefactor insisted to keep others from worrying too much about them.

Has a complicated relationship with their mother, but loves her unconditionally despite this.

Tries, but is not good in academics. Growing up in a 'technically not a cult' in the boonies doesn't make way for a good education. In theory very capable of being incredibly intelligent but a shitty start to life took any real chance of that away.

Keeps an incredibly clean space! Mostly due to owning few things. At first it was because of their living situation, but it became a preference.

Prefers the comfort of the city and the sounds that come with it as opposed to the tranquility of nature.

Cannot sleep in long pants at all. It feels to restrictive.

Has little to no shame. Or at least perhaps the social knowledge to be ashamed, particularly in terms of oversharing.

Cannot stand the texture of pudding. They are not the kind of person to refuse to eat something if it is given to them but they will refuse pudding to the point of agitation.

Likes a pet in concept! Would probably keep a single Betta Fish in an overly sized tank and treat it better than they treat themselves.

[yuusaris]

FeyFic Sequel Dump Doc - A Deadly Sort Of Sympathy [NSFW]

[Mental manipulation, worn-down-by-time brainwashing, unhealthy/toxic relationships, sexytimes]

Not back, just getting this out of my eyeballs. Very messy, very all-over-the-place. Was gunna be multi-chaptered and have plot, malik was gunna be there as a well-meaning ex that Bakura gets roped into his stupid shit, but I never got passed the intro stuff and frankly, I have other things to focus on. May return to this, but it's no longer my problem.

Lots of jumping around. Will try to clear up those jumps.

FORGOT TO TAG AS DUMP DOC. THIS IS A DUMP. NOT A FULL THING, I AM SO SORRY, I DID NOT SPECIFY. THIS IS DISCONTINUED WHILE IN PRODUCTION.

The most recent thing he remembers, if he really tries, is leaving home with Him. 

Those sharp nails rested against his wrist, guiding him through a door he didn’t recognize to somewhere he didn’t know. Only knew that He would be there. And that he would follow. 

He remembers hearing knocking, which was ridiculous because it was no one's home. He heard hinges creak and a slam which made no sense as the doorway was open already, he was halfway through it.

And just when he stepped through and left for good - he thinks he remembers hearing someone say his name.

-----

He enters the room with yawns and stretches. There is no need to wait for breakfast because they who serve Him have already brought it out. He eats simply - mostly bread and fruits, sometimes cheese. It’s the other plate, his plate, that’s graced with a full breakfast.

“Good morning, ‘Kura.”

He says this every morning and hasn't once forgotten to. He pets him gently every time, and before ‘Kura can complain about the treatment, He kisses him softly on the temple. And everything filters out but a twisted bliss at the attention, and the knowledge that this is all very, very wrong.

-----

He can’t forget the first bath he’d had here. The experience bled into weeks of scratching and howling and bleeding. 

“I don’t understand - your skin has layers too, doesn’t it?” He’d murmured while examining Bakura’s red, swollen skin. He pulled - ripped  - at what looked like a splinter but came out like a barb, as if it dug itself into his muscle, under the skin itself and latched itself to the underside. Bakura howled, tore himself away, swearing and yelling over a yelp and a flurry of ‘sorry, sorry, I’m sorry!’. Clutching his arm, feeling the blood between his fingers and the pain, the itch of all the others underneath. When he rubs or scratches it hurts. 

[Big Gap, never wrote connective tissue]

“I found out how to fix this!” He’d said triumphantly. “I did more reading about human sanitary practices and went out and got this!” With that, he’s handed a small box, and the fiendish Fey before him smiles. “It’s called ‘soap’.”

-----

 [timeskip and gap]

“You were perfectly content being fed and cuddled and played with,” He says. “You didn’t - you still haven’t even asked my name.”

Bakura stares from the bed.

Then He tells him. 

“It’s Ryou.”

------

His name is not ‘Kura. Ryou just calls him that - sometimes he’ll use the ‘Ba’ first, mostly when he - Ba-kura, making Bakura - is in trouble.

[Very large gap]

“I hadn’t eaten because of you,” Bakura growls hoarsely. When He looks away, shoulders hunching in shame, he finds a nugget of satisfaction. 

“I said I was sorry,” He murmurs. 

“Sorry?” Bakura scoffs. “That’s it? You’re sorry?”

“And it won’t happen again.”

“Oh, ya pinky-promise?”

His head tilts. “Pinky?”

[Another gap - told you I barely connected this]

Bakura wakes up to a platter of food. He must be delusional - it looks and smells like it’s actually cooked.

“You like your meat rare, right?” asks a familiar voice - He sits beside him and smiles. “I, ah, didn’t bother to do it myself this time… it was from that place we went to.” 

He just prettied it up with the platter and silverware. Whatever implication that has is tossed to the wayside in favor of eating.

It’s cooked, seasoned, and warm. Bakura could cry.

“But I also got- um,” Ryou’s fingers press together, sheepishly. “I got a book for cooking. So I can get better at it.”

Bakura slows down. He still chews, of course, but he’s trying to focus on Ryou now.

“You know, when I left you that day to come home and get your room ready, I’d - I’d felt so confident about this whole thing. I read all the books, and I got the enrichment and equipment and pet-safe furniture… but the second I couldn’t get back I was practically shedding with worry. I - hadn’t even considered what would happen if you would ever be away from me for too long.” He stops, taking a lingering look at Diabound. “And then,” a slow, fond smile crosses his face. “And then I remembered how much you knew about Diabound’s needs and I thought - ‘did ‘Kura know what to do when he was in this position’?”

“...” Bakura turns back to his food. “Snakes can go without food for up to two months - but they need water much more frequently.”

“And you were working on a time limit to get out of there,” Ryou’s voice is fond - too fond. “That’s why you did what you did.”

Bakura’s quiet.

“You’d do anything to make sure she was safe and happy and… and it took me until you were in pain to even recognize you couldn’t even clean yourself.” His hands fist in his lap. “...I’m… I’m so sorry for how I’ve been,” Ryou says softly. “I’ve been trying to make a home for you, but… knowing about Humans doesn’t mean I know enough about the differences between us.”

[Large Gap]

“But I’m a damn adult with a damn lease and a damn job to feed my damn snake,” Bakura snaps. “I did all of that on my own, and I’ll do it all a-damn-gain on my own once I’m out of your needy fffucking grip!”

He looks at him, wide eyed, mouth dropped into a small oval. Those eyes, infinite and bottomless, search him. Well, they can search all they like for whatever they like. There’s nothing pathetic about him.

“All on your own?” Ryou says, His voice slow, tinged with the soft timbre of pity as if Bakura ever needed that. “Was no one else there?” 

Bakura snarls at the hand coming to his cheek, “I”m an adult-,” but when it rests, his words stay locked behind his teeth, his breath held prisoner in his lungs. 

“Adults hunt in packs,” Ryou says. “They work and play and rear children together. What monsters let their cub suffer like that?”

Bakura doesn’t falter, won’t fall for this creatures’ act. It needs to be an act, if only for Himself. There’s only so much ignorance you can exhibit before it’s simply malice.  “I don’t need your pity-” 

He stops. His brow unfurrows at the rightmost wet streak on Ryou’s face, jaw loosening as he watches this wretched Fey tear up. 

“Did you hear yourself?” He asks. “Why do you talk about living like it’s a prize?”

“It was,” he says, through firm teeth. Nevermind his shaky memories of where he’d lived, who he’d known - he knew he had found his own path, got his own money, dug himself upwards and forwards. He didn’t succumb to the various options to fail like those around him. He’s allowed to be proud of that. “I earned it.”

The hand slides back, light nails dancing slow against his skin, resting against the flat of his neck. His thumb brushes softly beneath his ear. 

“You were always entitled to a good life. You still are.” Bakura’s doomed, the other hand comes too, cradles the opposite side and drags him forward till their foreheads touch. “And I want to give you a life you can live.”

“I can’t-” He’s breathless, searching for something, anything. A thought to cling to, a reason to disagree. “I can’t…” He drowns in the color of the earth, the smell of its dust after rain wafts from His skin. 

“Tell me everything you need,” Ryou says softly, almost too softly. Almost like He loves him. 

Bakura drops the knife. Ryou doesn’t look, as though it was never important to begin with.

“I’m hungry,” The words fall out. “I need meat. And eggs and starch and-”

“Make a list,” Ryou interrupts him. “You’ll have everything you ask for.”

“I need to-” His tongue runs dry. “I can’t clean myself-”

“Well, that’s an easy fix,” Ryou chuckles, “everything in this home is mine - everything is touched by myself, at all times. And since everything you need must remind you of me--”

No, he doesn’t understand, Bakura grips him by the shoulders, drags Him in, he needs to understand. “I can’t bathe.”

“...Ah.” Ryou realizes. “You can’t….”

And that…

“Is that… related to something else? Poor thing.” Ryou pulls him closer. Bakura follows His lead without much choice - Ryou tilts his head for him without much resistance. “You can always ask.” 

It’s a soft kiss, one that tastes like pomegranates and the smell of harvest. His hands move back across his jaw and cheek; a thumb grazes the bottom of his bottom lip. Bakura feels all of it, his focus divided between ten fingers, each individual fingertip drawing a unique path along his neck, down his chest, and he’s compelled - there no other word for it - to bring Him closer, kiss Him deeper, slip his own tongue across His lip and hear him gasp and sigh like a nymph.

“I had fun last time,” Ryou speaks softly, but not quiet. Hypnotic, it beckons him to trail his mouth down Ryou’s neck. “Did you?” Bakura nods. “You asked me then to be my only pet - do you remember?”

Bakura mumbles an excuse against His warm collarbone, “that was playful banter.”

“There was some truth to it,” Ryou’s hands slip into his hair. Soft strokes and little massages with his fingertips lull him closer, coax his hands to find His skin. “You said ‘if you treat them all like’ -” He’s cut off by His own little moan, muffled by tightly-pursed lips - He’s enjoying this, Bakura can feel that fact against his thigh. “I haven’t filled my end of that bargain.” 

The hand in his hair tightens. 

Bakura’s head is pulled back again, examined under His eye. “Do you want me to?” Bakura tries to nod - can’t, with the hand in his hair. Ryou ignores any silent pleas, His eyes boring into Bakura’s. “Say it.”

“Yes.” It falls from him, pulled by sheer presence. He feels weak. His hair is pulled again and his spine shakes.

“Did you like that?”

“Mm-hm.” No answer, no change - will He truly only accept words? “Yes?”

“Good pet.” A hum. A kiss to his chin. “You have a nasty habit of hiding what you mean - it makes things difficult sometimes.”

[For Sale. Large Gap. never connected.]

I want you to tell me what you need,” Ryou says. “Clearly. Without me needing to guess or push you.” When Bakura shakes his head, he’s taken firmly by Ryou’s hand and forced to stop - he’s surprised at the strength in Ryou’s grip. “Don’t disagree with me on this. You need to learn to ask me for what you need, I can only give you what you ask for. Stop making me force your hand.” Then, quieter, into his ear, “not everything you deserve needs to be won.”

There’s an ache in his chest - the spot where his heart would be, if he had one - alongside the ache in his dick, a swollen need from torment that can only be pleasure. Bakura growls at it, at the implications it brings.

“You’re just as strong when you ask for me,” Ryou smiles against his ear. “I think you’re stronger when you can be honest.”

Despite himself, Bakura’s breath turns ragged.

“And you’re very attractive when you want this badly,” His voice is thick, playful, “very sexy.”

And he tries, he really tries, not to lose himself in the tongue running along his ear, the long rubbing up and down his chest to sternum to belly and up and down and up again. But he can hear the cusp on which his wantonness stands. He’s sure Ryou can too.

“And if you told me, right now, that you want me to have control--”

And he does want it, wants it more and more He talks and offers, mouth dropping open when His palm presses down on his cock, once, then moves to the side to rub circles into his thigh.

“--I think it’d be cruel to call that weak. I think it’s brave.” He says with a kiss.

[Last Gap, I swear.]

The one thing He wouldn’t do is degrade. Bakura couldn’t explain the difference for various reasons.

“It just sounds like a nasty form of teasing.” And Bakura nods, frantically - yes, it’s teasing, yes it’s nasty, yes he wants- “I don’t want to talk to you like that,” Ryou said. “I want you to enjoy being good for me.” 

Bakura grits his teeth, against the derision at his wants and the cock sliding over, not in, his ass. Over and over, truly teased, no relief.

“I like that you couldn’t wait,” Ryou says again. His cock twitches and he grunts as His hand picks up again. “You’ve been so lonely, haven’t you?” He nods, rocking into His hand. All this from months untouched - he might go mad. “Tell me what you want,” Ryou speaks slowly. “Tell me what you want me to do for you.”

Confessions and fantasies spill from his mouth like drool, and he’s granted them in turn - cock gripped too tightly to cum, ass up and rutting against His hips for relief. More than he ever has from insult or shame, he cums from His praise for Bakura’s debauched and slutty -- no, from his eager, willing pleasure, words of worship for opening his chest, laying himself bare, showing everything and giving it all away.

“Good boy, ‘Kura,” Ryou purrs against his temple. With a kiss, ‘Kura’s consumed again by that ache, and instead of bracing himself against that salacious venom, he lets it spread across his nerves and limbs all the way to his head. “Good pet.” 

-----

Ryou hums while he reads. His fingers card through ‘Kura’s hair. Each gentle tug pulls it loose from behind his ear, or across the part, spilling the strands across His lap.

About the third time it falls out of place, ‘Kura grumbles, irritated at the feelings of ‘unright’ left in it’s place. Ryou chuckles softly, watching ‘Kura shake his hair back into place.

“Sorry,” Ryou smiles. “It’s just so soft now.”

‘Kura groans.

-----

His name is ‘Kura. Sometimes there’s a ‘Ba’ first, but only when he gets in trouble.

He doesn’t get in trouble.

[saa-na]

i feel like this movement to eat more "whole foods" with animal products, fermentation, whole fats etc looks healthy at first glance but really it's just a pendulum swing to another extreme of disordered eating where the label of "dangerous and unhealthy" has been peeled off of whole cream and butter and stuck on oat milk and seed oils.

i recognize that eating like this might allow you to eat a more nutrious diet than if you were to eat processed vegan foods, but labeling foods good or bad strips you of your freedom. i understand that there is a healthy amount of carefulness and concern you can/need to practice if you are living somewhere where food safety isn't up to par or if you are chronically ill and/or have allergies but reading neurotic posts about food here every day makes it just so much more clear to me that chronic illness and food allergies can be predisposing factors in developing an eating disorder.

believing that food is dangerous does not lead to a healthy relationship with it.

[past-j]

I'm very passionate about the health / weight loss journey I'm on, so I'm going to make a super long post about my complex beliefs surrounding weight loss. really this is just so u know where i'm coming from when i talk about it!

gonna pin this just as like a core value statement but my blog isn't primarily about weight loss so read if you care

nowadays, i truly believe that it is possible to lose weight in a healthy, nurturing, and loving way. this is a huge shift from my adolescence / early college when i did it in an unhealthy way, or from the past 2-3 years when i didn't believe it could be done without going insane

I really want to start posting about this, but I don't intend for it to be triggering to the small number of people who follow me lol

to be super clear: I fully recognize that weight loss is NOT the healthiest thing for some people, regardless of your size. and i know this because I just spent the past 2-3 years healing my relationship with food and working towards body neutrality. I have a lot of body, and this era has been the healthiest and happiest time in my life! I remember feeling isolated by people posting about weight loss / how my body SHOULD look for me to have a happy life though. so I hesitated to share these goals on here until recently.

BUT I also want to share my thoughts about it because the online weight loss space is so toxic, especially on tumblr. I think I have positive contributions to make here. tumblr was the root of my eating disorder in the first place (2013 tumblr whats up!) so there's something healing about coming back here and talking openly about body/ healthy weight loss.

some core beliefs:

if you're under the age of 18, I wouldn't recommend deliberate weight loss. this was my biggest regret. I fucked up my relationship with food in middle and high school and it was a lot of hard hard work healing from that. If I could change the past, the most I would do is learn about nutrition (like not calories or diets but like. fruits veggies meat whole grains fats nuts and seeds spices herbs beans/legumes NUTRIENTS!) and cooking, find a sport / fun activity, sleep, make friends / tried hobbies, volunteer, do well in school, build my self esteem, get a job, explore my personal style... all fun things. I wish i could see how beautiful i was! SO LITERALLY JUST HAVE FUN. you are SO YOUNG. get off weight loss tumblr/tiktok/insta. get off calorie counters. stop comparing your body to others. so much love to u. if you are medically required to lose weight i'd still heavily focus on just learning nutrition & finding happy active activities & building your life. whatever you see on toxic weight loss tumblr is not it. like I truly believe the least obsessive & happiest process is also the healthiest. there is a lot of joy in taking care of your body that isn't rooted in the number on the scale.

weight/body/health are all so personal, and weight loss isn't always the healthiest thing. u don't have to be skinny to be beautiful and to get what you want in life. and you can trust your own judgements about what is healthiest for you.

goals can change. so for a long time weight loss was my primary life goal. and then for the past several years, i didn't want to touch weight loss goals with a 30 ft pole. and now I'm like... I think I'm ready to approach this in a better way. I can aim to lose weight while still being happy with my present self + giving priority to other areas in my life. and maybe this won't continue to work for me and I'll go back to ignoring the scale completely. it's all good!

I'm setting the intention now to never speak poorly about my past or current self because of my weight. it's just not that big of a part of who i am. and on that note...

being fat or unable/unwilling to lose weight (for whatever reason) is definitely not a personal failing or character flaw!!!!

there's probably more that I'd wanna say but just follow me if you wanna hear about it later lmao

much love to anyone who read this

[pretty-volatile]

Monday, April 17, 2023 6:49 am

I'm currently I'm feeling pretty bluh. I've noticed that it's been hard to get to sleep mentally, whereas before being so physically exhausted would help me pass out right away. Um obviously I go through times where I'm a little/a lot more focused on a specific mental health facet (?) of myself and well...

First check in is that I've become a lot more acquainted with my autistic self. I think I've noticed fewer meltdowns/shutdowns/burnouts/overstimulation/overwhelm than before. I still 'mask' a lot, but I'm trying to be more myself and therefore being able to better regulate and recognize the things that send me into those moments. So yay. Can't be open with everyone, but those I have been open with are very kind and accommodating.

For ADHD, my partner and I have brought the return of my perpetual lists! All over the place indeed. But so helpful! So necessary! Otherwise shit wouldn't get done. Overall struggles with ADHD haven't been too too much to handle.

For my bipolar, it seems when I try to accommodate my ism I also tend to help keep my mood swings to a minimum. But I still fluctuate, I would just say not as bad as the big dramatic ups and downs that would cycle one after the other. I seem to be getting some more stability in between. Still go through my psychotic phases though, but that's mostly workable. My partner is there for me too especially during those times.

For my eating disorder, um, that's still complicated. I try not to weigh myself and try to wait a long time in between weigh-ins. For a while we were only eating a meal a day only cause I didn't have enough money for more food. This month is a little better so we get to eat more frequently. It's still hard not to listen to what my eating disorder makes me feel when my coworkers constantly talk about their eating/weight issues and just sound like a lot of disordered eating and/or unhealthy body image/relationship with their body. But I just try to take it day by day.

For my (C)PTSD um well of course that's something I'm always going to be battling with. I try to logic my way through my memories and trauma, and when I do feel the pain of the past, it washes over me completely and I get stuck. It's hard to process all by myself, and I feel bad for even the things that I have shared with my partner since I know they have their own trauma to carry.

But what has my attention again is my BPD. Since discovering I struggle with this and learning what I do that hurts people or hurts myself, I've truly made an effort to work on all those things. The black & white thinking, the splitting, the running away, the self-harming, the self-isolating, etc. I've learned that my BPD episodes really correlate with my CPTSD & autism and since I've been working on the others, I've been better at managing my more harmful BPD behaviors/thinking. I still struggle with the idea of self harm, while I haven't cut myself in years now, it's still something I look back on, craving like an addiction, not quite being able to let it go but knowing it's no good for me. This has extended to my other self harm tendencies, not just cutting. I still crave stronger drugs than weed sometimes to escape reality/myself. It's a big feeling to sit with, accept, and let go. I fear I could give in, but I'm lucky to not have access. I would day for the most part I'm sex-repulsed due to all the sexual trauma that I've finally had a chance to sit with and process. Unfortunately that has affected my sexualness with my partner, but it's also brought on a whole new level of intimacy and romance, while also still occasionally doing it *wink*. I still self isolate a lot. Mostly out of a fear of being left, rejected, forgotten, judged, or having any sort of strong attachment to someone that could have the potential to end in heartbreak. My partner is my one true person, my best friend, my soulmate, my love. Everything I could need and more. It just sucks not having friends sometimes, that aren't work buddies. But even friends stop talking to me eventually so... I certainly still deal with my black & white thinking, also thanks to the ism. I try to stop and rethink or opposite action, etc. But it can be hard and my partner often has to call me out on it. Even though my partner is my most stable, comfortable, safe, protective, reassuring love that I have ever had, I unfortunately still deal with projecting my trauma onto them. Of course it doesn't help that if it's something that's happened between us two before, even if not intentional. Trauma response just be like that sometimes *shrug*. My emotions haven't quite been up-down like before, but more of the empty, stress, depression, fatigue, fog, etc. That certainly hasn't been helped by COVID. But the inability to recognize or name my other emotions and having a specific set of emotions that I always pick from to TRY to remotely describe how I feel could also be due to alexithymia. I still have outbursts. I still get petty and cranky and irritable. I still get major secondhand stress from others. But the way I handle those things are a lot better. Even my partner would agree that my BPD has been more manageable, smaller things that we can confront head on rather than the big explosive shit that used to happen. Idk just thinking about whether I still deal with it/how much I deal with my BPD traits. Wondering if I had it to begin but realizing the reason why I don't have to deal with it as much is because I really have put in effort to put more love into myself and my life and my partner, to heal the trauma a little that caused all this. It'll take me my whole life, but it seems to be getting better in some ways.

Anyway I've been up way longer than i should be and now I'm going to go self loathe like i normally do. Ttyl~