#like thats just Weird and it makes me sad cause i do resonate with it a bit

[hiroshotreplica]

i love hiro's name...id use it for myself if i wasnt white boy number 45634543. i already went by makoto at 13 without thinking about it i cant do that again. i know better now i Think

[andytheimpostor]

HHI GUYS. listen

ethsn winters is actually so awesome i fixated on him so fast. this is the longest smount of time in the history of even that ive ever fixated something (coming up on 6months).

maybe its weird to be so attached to a fictional guy especially to cling to him within moments even though i barely knew anything about him… hes just so awesome i couldnt resist i guess

ethan winters is my BIGGEST BADDEST KIN im literally him. i havent ever looked into why this is and i dont really want to because i think that would probably make me cry

umm i have a life sized ethan cardboard cutout that i made staring at me right now but hes still cardboard color, i need to paint him or something. i also have an ethan shirt and its like literally my favorite thing ever that i own but recently its got a little chip in the design which makes me nervous. i ALSO have 3 ethan keychains (well… technically 2. my gay lover got me one but hasnt given it to me yet (side eye emoji))

idont undersrand the ethan winters hate, hes genuinely so awesome. maybe not your average resident but he had a great run and he is was a great guy. HOW COULD YOU HATE HIM???

maybe im not ethans BIGGEST fan, but i pray that im up there somewhere. i have pages and pages and papers and digital canvases COVERED in his stupid face. i have 2 different folders dedicated to it. ive been thinking about making a mini cardboard rthan but maybe my keychains will suffice that need… if i find where i put them. (i think i know where they are)

also maybe its not important but i love wintersberg. i love old men gay yaoi (take that with a grain of salt please. also i know ethan isnt that old) i get that theres like… not a lot to work off of maybe besides a couple short interactions and a diary, but whattever i love them. i have no problem with clethan at all, i love all the art i see of them.

that brings me to mithan…. clearly its literally canon but like. i dont think i can do mithan unless its t4t. i dunno if thats bad or something its canon and theyre married and have a baby. but. im not saying i have any problems with it? i just find it hard to enjoy when they. arent. yeah

brings me to the next thing im a (not firm) trans ethan believer. as in… i believe but im lenient on it. uhh where was i. i think its funny to think about the possibility that ethan gave birth to rose. maybe thats not funny, maybe its just cause its three in the morning.

all the characters i resonate with are men, anddd usually blonde. ethan is at the top of that list obviously!!! maybe thats not important but it feels like it leave me alone

i got one of my friends into re7/8, and they just finished 8. they streamed the end of it and we both ended up bawling our eyes out because it was so sad. i cry every time i watch the end of 8, which is probably more often then i should be.

sorry guys its 3am and i just woke up so i did this on a whim forgive me if any of my grammar is bad or anything umm yeah

I LOVE ETHAN!!!!!💥💥💥hes such a sweet guy, real or not…

[yournormalidiot]

1, 6, 9, 11, 15, 20, and 22! (for the Outsiders ask game)

Oh buddy..thats alot..but tysm!! I've been dieinggg for someone to send me some of these!!!<3:)

1. Have you read other SE Hinton books

No, but I kinda wanna read that was then this is now and rumble fish cause I've seen people go on abt them and they seem cool

6. What are some ships you dislike?

cherrycola, I hate. IM SORRY if you ship it idm u do u but I just can't see it. I can't, like I could mabye see them being friendly cherry hanging with pony and becoming friends with soda and mabye helping him get girls but that's it🤷‍♀️

Mhmm I don't really like romantic jally either for the main reason, i feel like Johnny saw dally as a brothers or uncle figure, like he was someone who he could look up to and would protect him. (Almost like a replacement for his father) and I think dally saw Johnny like his little brother, someone who he could save, someone who saw him for more then just then a violent dog yk? idk shipping them romanticly just seems wrong. Cause of how I feel they viewed each other.

Also similar to romantic Johnnyboy, like I do ship them personally but not in a romantic sense exactly. Somewhere between romantic and friends (Honestly I think most the fantom does to and I like it that way)

9. What’s the favourite scene/moment from the book?

Oh i'd have to say, when Johnny and pony have just gotten off the train and Johnny told pony to get directions off to men working. Johnny telling pony to quite sloching and comb his hair (Johnny acting older then pony has my heart) but specifically where Johnny tells pony's he looks like soda and pony gets all blushy and deny it. But Johnny replays with "shoot, Your are to" while grinning and the fact he was laughing while pony walked away.

Idk it just a) gives Johnny so much more to his character then 'kicked puppy' and b) portays their friendship that honestly so fitting. Plus it's cute.

11. What’s your opinion of the movie?

LOVES IT OMFG I LOVE IT SM, it's how I got into the Outsiders. Ik the characters aren't very accurate looks wise but I think they got the personality down well so it evens out.

I'm sad we didn't get to see more of the more domestic/chill sence of the gang as in the book or much into ponyboys downward spiral after everything. But I think they've added some more sence and re-released it to make it more accurate but idk.

15. Five headcanons that are entirely self-indulgent

Steve is possessive of his friends, like when soda first befriended Johnny and hung with him alot Steve felt soo jealous (unpopular/weird kid steve I love you) cause soda was like his first friend. But then he also befriended Johnny and it all evened out. (Same reason he disliked dally at first)

Two bit being good with kids, like they love him and he's super good at doing hair/nails ect cause his little sister.

Angela and curly are irish twins. Angela was born in March and curly is November/December

Angela have damaged her curly hair straightening it, same with tim but not as server (Curly is the only one with his true curly that are completely undamaged)

The curtis have irish ancestry, idk how they just do. (So does two bit)

20. Which character do you relate to most?

Ponyboy..by far. May be cause I do project on to him a lil (alot) but either way, even just reading the book it was immediately "Oh shit he's me" idk just resonated with me alot.

22. Who’s a minor character in canon who you have basically projected a whole new characterisation onto?

Uhhh probably curly? Cause the fact I ship alot of purly..maye anglea cause I do love her. But ya..nevermind ms mathews, I'm obsessed with that women.

Idk I'm convinced she's like an aunt to the gang. She def helped darry and pony doesn't know, taught him how to cook, gave him recipes. Did her best to fill in for Mr and Ms Curtis after their deaths. (Also the 3 were the greatest trio of all time when they were in school)

[minnieposting]

talking about ocd, hyperfixations, and loving vocaloid

minnie journal entry style post again, except this ones SUPER long lol.

a few nights ago i had a Moment of Weakness . it mightve been a withdrawal thing but i was not at my best lol, i just became really upset out of nowhere?? i was listening to some teto synthv stuff and kinda just Reminiscing on my vocaloid days ... i find myself doing that pretty frequently lately but since im not rlly hyperfixating on anything rn, vocaloid pretty much becomes my default. but im getting ahead of myself.

i get weird about my hyperfixations. when one starts slipping away it used to be so genuinely painful like i felt it so physically i would get so depressed whenever i felt hyperfixations start to slowly fade. i was always like that, but it was different with vocaloid.

 i will never be able to really describe HOW much vocaloid means to me but its litreally part of my soul. its ME. like i was sitting here trying to do exactly what i said i couldnt and guess what, i couldnt really describe it. i was really REALLY hyperfixated on it for 8 whole years straight, elementary school up to when i was around 15?  thats when my ungodly uncharted 4 hyperfixation came eating my ass .... and i remember the only reason it stopped was bc i felt too guilty abt leaving vocaloid behind I KNOW U CANT CONTROL HYPERFIXATIONS BUT MINE LITREALLY JUST STOPPED. after a specififc day of intense guilt lmfao

but yeah. guilt. whenever i leave behind a hyperfixation, i just feel SO guilty, and i dont really know why. i always feel this need to “prove” to myself that i still love a character, they still make me as happy as they used to, and i feel weird and bad if im not getting into smth as obsessively or if im not “consuming it the correct way”. i feel like im not rlly explaining this thing well but ocd is just a nighhttttmare , it bleeds into everything and lately its been bleeding into my interests and my creativity x1000. and im just really sad about that because i feel like i wont ever be that same person again, bc im just too hyperaware BC of my ocd and i just find myself ruminating a lot. though this usually starts to become Active in my head when my hyperfixation is actually starting to go away ... lol. when im balls deep into smth i will be way too obsessed to be in my head like that!

but. all this just being context lol... i was listening to teto synthv stuff and just. i dont even remember what caused me to start getting so upset but i just started reminiscing and getting in my own head about all this. how i dont like vocaloid as much anymore and wondering if ill ever be as happy as i was back then. i hate being an adult bc being an adult means being more Aware and being aware means ocd bothering me and just. idk. I was thinking about everything. Typical rumination spiral. just started getting really sad and upset bc i was just stuck in my thoughts and thinking about how younger me would be disappointed in my current self

it didnt last very long at least, and i ended up listening to re:ng and pinnochiop. but the songs that i clicked actually ,,,,,, helped me so much. one of the songs i clicked was rainy snowdrop by re:ng, and i found myself resonating so deeply with the lyrics. like im actually a bit emotional rn typing bc i went to go look at the lyrics again and im listening to the song rn. it really picked me up and made me feel ok again. then because youre here by pinnochiop played. and just. FUCK BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE JUST EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT MOMENT. it reminded me that itll be okay. simple as that.

and. im only writing abt what happened a few nights ago because while i was playing future tone earlier, it just hit me. ive always been saying that vocaloid makes me feel like myself. but then i started thinking about what exactly that means. and im actually thinking about it now while i write. its like home to me. vocaloid is where ill always go to, where ill always be. i grew up with it. its never not been with me. and no matter where i end up, itll follow me and itll be okay. ocd likes to make me ruminate about the past present and future but one thing that i know for sure is that vocaloid will always be there for me. i see it in a way where its me and my kid self. and i value my inner child so much. which is a bit ironic to me, bc of the way i treat myself...

idk. vocaloid is just really grounding in general. whenever i spiral or need to be pulled back down to earth, its there, and itll always help. its just nice to have this forever thing that i love so much

[omegalomania]

I think tumblr ate my ask or it just didn't sent but what are your favorite Bastille songs / what are some songs you recommend?

i did NOT get this ask im very sorry anon.

it's genuinely hard for me to narrow down cause bastille is pretty up there in terms of favorite artists. i love all their shit, but a special mention goes out to their second studio album wild world since it's the one that made me a Fan

uh so here's a primer i guess i spent too much time on this lmao.

if you wanna listen to their big hits:

flaws - their first single in the uk. if you ever listened to ship playlists on 8tracks in like 2013-2015 then you've probably heard this song or a variant on it at some point.

pompeii - this is the song that really put them on the map and you definitely know it. it dominated the charts all over the place.

happier - the marshmello song that you've definitely heard before too. i think bastille wrote this for justin bieber or some shit but then decided they liked it too much to give it to him? lmao. anyway if you're not digging the version you hear on the radio all the time i recommend trying the stripped down version

good grief - their big hit off their second album. big in the uk, didn't really make as many waves elsewhere, but it's a really solid song anyway. one of those "upbeat tunes that's actually really fucking sad" ones

things we lost in the fire - another one off their first album. if you live in a wildfire area this might not be one to turn to. or maybe you'll find it cathartic idk i certainly do!!

quarter past midnight - a song about escapism, as was fitting when it was released in 2018 and equally fitting now. running away for a night of fucking around with friends, craving any kind of brief departure from the chaos of the modern world

skulls - this one was not a hit or a single and is technically a bonus track but i'm including it because once again if you ever clicked on a ship playlist on 8tracks in like 2013-2015 you've heard this one. and you know what that was justified this one is also good

if you wanna feel existentially depressed:

their whole discography. i mean i kid but i also don't. that's just kind of how bastille does it. BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS ones that hit me in particular would beeee

two evils - kind of a grim, haunting one introspecting about morality of the self.

oblivion - musing about the afterlife, love, and how time changes all of us.

those nights - contemplating what it is we seek when we plunge into reckless escapism, and the inherent loneliness of it; how even when surrounded by people there's still the pressure of the world outside, continuously coming to pieces

the draw - this one was written about the pull of pursuing a career in music vs. staying home with family and friends. in a broader sense, it can apply to a lot of things. i always felt it resonated with feelings of paranoia and displacement

winter of our youth - discusses childhood, nostalgia, and regret. if it feels like everything's slipping away, is it easier to relive the past, especially if the past is tinted rose?

sleepsong - loneliness, desperation, and the cyclical, abyss-like nature of all it encapsulates

if you want discussion of serious topics:

final hour - a bonus track off their second album that also became a bonus track off their third album? anyway this song talks about climate change and gun control. happy stuff

doom days - this one talks about, uh, everything! doomscrolling, political divides, escalating national tensions, climate change again, etc.

the currents - a song centered on political rhetoric and the power that figureheads have over the masses, the way they can orchestrate hate. basically it's not so subtly aimed at donald trump lmao, dan's literally sung it as much in a few live settings

WHAT YOU GONNA DO??? - social media addiction and the way capitalism and corporate interests have annexed our online experiences, fighting desperately for our attention as they seek to monetize every available aspect of our lives

four walls (the ballad of perry smith) - well this one is about uh. perry smith. who was charged with the death penalty for killing 4 people in the late 50's. but it's less directly about him and more a discussion of the morality of the death penalty and capital punishment

snakes - burgeoning anxieties and the impulse to turn to easy outs, like ignorance or alcoholism, to escape the world's global problems

if you want some pop culture sprinkled on top:

icarus - greek mythology. i like this one because it addresses something that i feel isn't addressed enough in discussions of this myth, which is that icarus is a very young lad. less about the pride of the fall, and more about the inherent tragedy of that.

laura palmer - the whole song is a david lynch shoutout. i've never seen twin peaks myself but the song still slaps.

daniel in the den - christian mythology. discusses the biblical tale of daniel in the lion's den and links that up to themes of betrayal and family.

poet - this one's a double feature, referencing both william shakespeare's sonnet 18 and edmund spencer's sonnet 75. also one of my favorites.

send them off! - this is another one of my favorites of theirs. it's also been described by dan as "othello meets the exorcist" and it very much delivers there

if you want something uplifting:

joy - while bastille (understandably) has a bit of reputation as a band that makes sad music about sad things, they've definitely got some happier songs in their catalogue. pun intended cha ching. this one's one of their more straightforwardly happy tunes

survivin' - this was a song they wrote while they were touring and then felt weird about releasing once the panini hit because it felt a bit on the nose. they ended up releasing it anyway and i am so glad they did cause it's a mood

act of kindness - the "happy" part here is debatable but i'm gonna include it anyway. it’s when someone does something nice for you and that impulse Changes you way down deep you know???

warmth - one of those "the world's going to shit but at least we have each other" kinds of tunes

the anchor - one of those "the world's going to shit but you're the one fucking thing that's still keeping me here" kinds of tunes

give me the future - their latest single as of this writing and one of the more optimistic tracks in their catalogue imo! it's yearning, but it's also with a genuine hope for the future.

and LASTLY. because im going to take every chance i can to plug this band. im going to throw some collabs and covers at you because there's one thing this band does SUPER well and it's collabs and covers.

of the night - this is the big one. it mashes up rhythm of the night by corona and rhythm is a dancer by SNAP! and it's so good they still do this one live and it goes off every time.

no angels - a mashup of "no scrubs" by TLC and "angels" by the xx, poured into a strangely mournful tune with clips from the hitchcock movie psycho. doesn't sound like it should work but it does. kinda really does.

torn apart - with GRADES and lizzo no less!!! it's got two parts but they're both excellent listen to them both

weapon - collab with angel haze, dan priddy, and F*U*G*Z and one of my absolute favorites

remains - remix of their song "skulls" but featuring rag'n'bone man and skunk anansie that adds an entire new dimension to the song, really fucking excellent

old town road mashup - lil nas x's old town road meets lizzo's good as hell meets radiohead's talk show host meets talking heads' road to nowhere meets the osmond's crazy horse. "what the fuck that shouldn't work" i KNOW and yet here it is!! BLATANTLY BANGING!!!

we can't stop - one of the few times dan smith subtly changes the lyrics of the song he's covering (most of the time he opts to keep the original pronouns and the like, which is very nice to see). anyway this one mixes miley cyrus's we can't stop with eminem's lose yourself and billy ray cyrus's achy breaky heart. and also the lion king's i just can't wait to be king is there. yes i know it sounds batshit especially because the whole thing is surprisingly melodic and heartfelt and you know what it works.

anyone but me x nightmares - mashing up joy crookes' anyone but me with easy life's nightmares and absolutely one of my favorites.

bad guy mashup - how many songs can they include with the word "bad" in the title? we've got bad guy (billie eilish), bad decisions (bastille), bad romance (lady gaga), and bad blood (taylor swift). bastille even has a song called bad blood and they didnt use it. they used taylor swift's version. also the distinctive guitar riff from dick dale's misirlou is there.

somebody mashup - how many songs can they include with the word "some" in the title? someone like you (adele), somebody told me (the killers), somebody to love (queen), use somebody (kings of leon), and someone you loved (lewis capaldi). seriously these guys take mashups to a new level.

final song - this is a cover of MØ's final song. it also adds in craig david's 7 days and, impossibly enough, europe's final countdown. how does it work. how.

ALL RIGHT. THATS ALL IVE GOT IN ME. HOPE THIS HELPED ANON AND IM SORRY IF THIS IS TOO MUCH

[roseymess]

hello Tanni ✨ this is me, bring back your feedback. first of all – thank you so much to answered my ask and give me the whole reading OMG thats a kind of you 💞

and thank you so much for give me another feedback to improve my intuition. thats a chance for me to grow it 😉 hope you like it ✌️ and sorry if there are any parts who arent resonate 🥺

and let's go to your feedback 👏 :

OMG fancy restaurant? that seems good ✨ its great to know that he can talk about his music to me, because i'm also a kind of person who love and make music as a gate to open my inner side and a way to healing with it. talk about restaurant, i have imagine it too 😮🤯 and talk about his past? i know it must be hard for him to talk about it, but maybe both of us can have deep convo about this topic because my past seems also rough for me.

*me when eating with yoongi lol its a joke 😆 the gif just as sweetener of this feedback😬*

and childish... uhmm idk to explain but yeah i do have youthful things in my heart. but deeply and as the storm happened to me, i grew up become someone which is i havent been there before. but sure you right, i still have youthful in my heart 💞😊 omg he sees me as childlike innocence? 🥺😮 thats a great thing huhu.

• Yoongi and you would drink wine,holding hands, touching each other's hands. Yoongi himself is surprised by his actions. He doesn't do these type of things. So he himself can see how much of an influence you have over him.

same as me here haha 🖐️✨ idk when i was a kid i have tendency to find that physical affection such weird things in my heart? i mean that such an awkward things for me and i have deep story about it. thats why i think i find to make boundaries about it. but because the scars and something happened to me, i missed that physical affection too rn *which is so sad and shame on me* i think both of us can influence each other 💞😊

• It can be that he is explaining something serious and you take it seriously. So he finds it annoying.

ah ahahaha yeah i know why he dislike it – i think i need to get rid out of this habbit *or learn how to control it more*. because sometimes when people explain or share something story, i can sense what they feel too much. idk i feel like a sponge. when they angry, when people sad, i can put them in my heart too which is tiring for me sometimes.

and ah! part of need assurance too much, i think when on the relationship things, i'm a kind of more independent. i mean, as we both have trust each other, let the things go with the flow😉 i'm a kind of person who love casual things *yeah* and really need my own freedom also space.

*believe in me okay okay 😉😎🤟*

• Yoongi might also dislike it if you constantly put yourself down. Do you do this? Like maybe compare yourself to others and feel bad? Yoongi thinks it's completely pointless since you are literally amazing.

and OMG this one is right. i have insecurity problem and low self esteem because all of those tragedic happened to me. i do have self doubt too caused of it. so yeah, this word giving me such a new air and warm in my heart 😭💞

it was nice to know that he find me as innocence because deeply i'm sure i'm not – i do find myself as a torn between kind of cold and warm in my real life. *but glad he find me that way 😊💜*

overall thank you so much for your reading 💞🌸 i really luv also apprreciate about it. i'm sorry if my feedback (again) – too long for you 🥺✨ thats because idk how to explain how i like also appreciate this reading.

may you have a blessed day. don't forget to take your proper meal ^^

Bruh 😭😭😭I corrected it. Please check is again sister. It was like Yoongi wants to be serious and you don't take him seriously,but I didn't write the 'don't' of course it doesn't make sense wtf😭😭😭😭And I am happy that my readings resonated with you . Also,please don't put yourself down,you are an amazing person💋💋💋✨✨✨✨Other than that,I am glad you liked the reading 🤧🤧🤧🤧I will try improve for you🥰🥰🥰🥰Your intuition is great as well😚😚😚

[glowdetails]

ok i’m just going to let it all out here. btw i’m sorry for all the inbox messages i’ve been ignoring and being inactive!! (been a tough couple of weeks) i don’t really know how to express this feeling i have but i’m sad. i don’t know what uni is doing to me but this is not like me at all. just bluntly crying out of the blue in mid day or any time really, it’s just i feel bad for myself? for putting myself in this position but i can’t help my feelings. just feeling utter shit and sad when studying. i’ve been to uni before (diploma) and it was great. but now, i’m doing a degree in the uk and it’s all so different. it was amazing at first (first term) all laughs and giggles. and now. NOW. now (different term) i feel sad. i feel like i’m never going out from this... and it’s truly an awful feeling. and i just feel not content (its honestly the VERY FIRST TIME that i feel like this????!!! it’s so weird  guys i don’t know how to explain but never in a million years would i think i would end up feeling the way i feel now) i feel lonely even when i’m surrounded by all these amazing people. yes, i have amazing friends here, but it’s not the same. study is basically 24/7 now (im exagerating but yknow what i mean) and the thing is, i’m not one to usually feel like this i promise you, cause usually i’m so positive, i take any bullshit and i make it work, i take hardships well, i take hard times well, cause i never let any negative thoughts get to me. but this term, it truly feels like shit. i miss my friends (in my home country). i miss my family. i miss the feeling of laughing stupidly w my old friends. i just want to be like before. i want to be like the old, happy me. but i’m taking baby steps to becoming that self again.. i’m joining new things just to get my head off things.. and such. maybe it’s just the uni degree transition stress thats kicking in. i don’t know who resonates with this but i just hope you know, your feelings are valid and you’re not alone in any of this. i love you and im virtually hugging all of you. 

and please don’t take this the wrong way. i’m posting this because i just had to let it out there. or else it’ll just eat me up alive. 

[graffitibible]

Do you have any advice for writing or creating regularly? That’s hard for me and I’d like to get better at it.

it boils down to what works best for you personally tbh. i’ve got a system to write semi-regularly (or i did......restricted movement hours have kinda forced me to restructure that lol) and it works for me but that’s just how my brainyot works. i’m a routine-based creature so working writing into my routine was how i got myself to write semi-regularly. 

ive also had significant Brain Junk for most of my life and was gradually able to navigate how best to create in spite of that but im also like, medicated for it and the like so self-care was a factor. i couldnt create shit while i was too busy lying in a pool of my own filth having fits of paranoia about the nature of reality so i was hardly about to make myself try and create stuff when that wasnt even on my radar. 

i can share some of the things i do to keep myself writing though! like again this isn’t something that’s for sure gonna work for everybody cause everybodys wired differently but i hope some of it helps!

1. daily wordcount - i’ve mentioned this before but i have a daily wordcount that i do for my original fiction. i don’t apply the same standard to fic-writing because that risks making it an arbitrary barrier that puts too many numbers on my internal list. that being said, it’s very small. i make myself do 200 words per day. if that gets me going and writing more than that, awesome. if not, i still got a little bit done. 200 words is small, and it’s not overwhelming to catch up on if i miss a day. no matter how shitty im feeling i try to get in 200 words.

2. routine - since i’m a routine-based person by nature i basically found ways to finagle creative processes into all that. it’s not hard and fast because that kind of rigid structure makes me balk and i’m not that disciplined lol, but it’s usually something like “i have an hour-long lunch break at work and literally nothing else to do during it so i’ll write in that time period” or “i have thirty minutes of sitting by the stove making dinner so i’ll write until it’s ready”

3. momentum - or what my housemate fondly calls “The Juice.” if i have The Juice of inspiration i keep that going for as long as i can. if something’s not working for me i don’t scrap it or toss it right away. if i’m having trouble with a scene i make a note to myself and move on to a different one. example of this from my latest wip, which is part iv of mayhem

i hadnt worked out what was gonna go there and nothing was coming to me easy in the moment so i stuck the note there and kept going. my works are full of this shit. if i can’t think of a name or if there’s a statistic or a character i haven’t worked out yet i don’t wanna break my focus and momentum so i slap a note in the first draft and keep going. at a first draft stage the important thing is getting the words Out so it doesnt matter if theyre perfect. ill go back and fix them later, revise all i need to. first drafts dont need to be good, they just need to be there so i can spruce them up later.

on the flip side do not be like me and commit to this momentum so bad that you forget that you are a human being who needs to eat and consume liquids. i do that sometimes because of who i am as a person and it is a serious flaw of mine, do not be like this. sometimes getting some food in you is what you need to get The Juice flowing again and that sounds kinda gross and i am sorry

4. planning and hangups - this ones dependent on how you create. i forget where this analogy came from, but i’ve heard it said that some writers are architects who need a blueprint of where they’re going before they end up there and some writers are gardeners, who don’t need a set plan so much as they need to keep going. i’m definitely an architect - a lot of my works start out as bulletpoints of what scenes i wanna cover, what topics i wanna explore, etc. - though i have on occasion simply Written without any set destination, usually to force myself out of a creative slump. me being a big planner used to be one of the biggest barriers for me creatively because i’d spend hours agonizing over minute universe details and never start the dang story. this still happens from time to time. like heres what my organizational folder looks like wrt “pray for disaster”

that is not even all the files in there. why do i have two dictionaries. jesus. like i make these giant ass fuckin....tomes of stuff i like to keep track of, which i like to call “bibles” lol. except i could tell that getting too organized was gonna be an uphill battle with very little payoff so by the end i just made a “MISCELLANEOUS BULLSHIT” doc and for now i throw everything in there if it doesn’t fit into something like a dictionary or timeline

shit like this is why i like to just sit down and write without a clear destination in mind if i’m having writer’s block. that’s one of those things that goes hand in hand with the way i take advantage of my own momentum - if i reach a certain point where i’m just picking at details and not doing any writing i just go “ok motherfucker sit down and write shit. we will work out the details later.”

5. motivation - the ways i tend to motivate myself are weird so idk how true this is for anybody else but i’ve been writing for a pretty large part of my life. i went to college for english/creative writing and got a whole dang degree cause i still wanna make this my vocation somehow. one thing i cannot ever turn off is the writer part of my brain that’s going “oooh huh that’s not how i would’ve written that” in literally every piece of art i consume - tv, movies, books, songs, etc. sometimes that’s enough to inspire me into doing something on my own time. most of the time though if i’m feeling stumped i tend to crack open some of my personal favorite works, like books or fics that have really resonated with me, to fall in love with the art all over again. seeing the way different authors and artists do their craft helps me get in the zone of wanting to write more cause i get this nice feeling of “damn, these people really did those things with those words.....that’s fuckin amazing.....i wanna do that.” 

you do risk falling into the trap of “ugh i can’t write like them though” but that’s the beauty of writing. nobody can write the way anybody else does. ofc i can’t write like terry pratchett, only terry pratchett can write like terry pratchett, and if i compare myself to terry pratchett i’m only gonna get sad and mopey. but i can write in a way thats totally unique to me so i should not try to write like terry pratchett because that’s just impeding my own creative energy in the interest of trying to cookie-cut myself into someone else’s zone. only terry pratchett can write like terry pratchett but only i can write like zero graffitibible.

i hope that was helpful? like this is all stuff that works for me so no guarantee it’ll work for everyone else.

oh right and idk how many of yall are minors because let it be known that i do not condone underage drinking; i am an adult who occasionally will get crunk because i like to write drunk and edit sober. if you too are an adult who can legally consume alcohol feel free to write while buzzed because that is a nice way to write with zero fuckin inhibitions. i dont get blackout drunk or nothing just a little buzzed and sometimes what i write makes no sense but i am at times at my most productive at 2am while mildly buzzed. its a thing.

like again i’m not really an authority on this by any means - this is just what works for me. but if it works for you too, great!! find your zone and all that

[bereaving]

That's true, Bly is definitely more Gothic. When I compare them with each other, I like Bly more based on story, characters and the overall feeling you get while watching 👀 but that's just my personal opinion. Hill House made me a really huge fan of the whole series. It's not just dumb horror it's a well thought through story with so many details and twists, it's perfectly done.  

Haha well he's not as interesting as Jamie so it's easy to forget about him 😉 

To his whole backstory, yeah I mean he had a traumatic childhood and it made him who he is now, but even after episode 7 I had no sympathy for him, like nothing. OJC did portray him perfectly, there's no doubt about it, but just his character and how he treated Rebecca and the kids just made me hate him and there was nothing that could change that. I have to say it was kinda hard for me to hate him because in Hill House, I loved Luke and now seeing him playing the complete opposite of that was definitely interesting 😅 

Everyone was shocked by this scene but I loved it 😂 it was just great how Viola just came and shut him off 

You have, but there's no need to stop saying it 🥰

This scene...oh my 👌 I've watched it so often and it gives me goosebumps every time I watch it again, too. That's such a good shot, the whole atmosphere was perfect. And then Dani, with so much nervousness in her voice, saying this line 🥰 the way Jamie looks at her after it and then the hand holding, makes me realize how much I love them every time 💕 

I mean, yeah, their whole story was perfect, nothing happened without a reason and that's the same with the ending. I can't say I will ever get used to it, I'd have rather liked to see them happy till the end, as cheesy as it sounds, but I just don't get the reason behind of destroying a good relationship in the most cruel way possible. And I also know that it kinda had to end like this but it caused so much struggle for me, I was so sad after watching it, I felt so empty and I know it's just a show but I was heartbroken at the end. Like really heartbroken, and even after watching it a few times I have to prepare myself for the end cause it destroys me every time. But yeah it caused a much bigger impact, thats for sure.

I can agree to everything you just said in this! And it's true, the show reminds yourself of many things in your own life even if it reminds me of sad things mostly but it's still unusual for a show to have so much impact and thats wonderful 👏 

Haha yeah I get that 😂 I, as I already said, didn't have this "wtf" moment because I knew she would be in this one too 😅 but it changes the whole look you have on the show knowing that she already was playing Nell.  

And I agree on the most fascinating sibling, for me it's also Nell for sure. I loved all of them (except Steve) but Nell was my favorite for sure 

Totally true! I don't like the whole concept of the show which makes it automatically not interesting for me. 

I mean i have seen a few gifs of Victoria here on Tumblr and she looks f*cking cute in it what makes me even hate the concept more cause if it wouldn't be like it is, I could watch Victoria's great acting again 😭 

Haha omg yes! Same here! 😂😍 I would leave everything behind just to be the one helping her out and I wouldn't care about my fear of dogs too! I mean that would be a dream come true tbh 😂 

It’s another long one, anon! :D

We stan one man in Bly and that’s Owen 😄

OJC was jarring for me, too, but by the time I watched Bly, I’d gotten wind that 1). he played Luke and 2). he was supposed to be the gardener but people were like, “it’d be weird seeing the siblings play lovers” so he was cast as Quint instead. So to see him as Luke, it was still a shock, but... a mini one.  It is also worth pointing out that if he had played Jamie... I don’t think I would be this invested in Bly.

His pre-death scene? LOL, I screamed so loud when that happened and almost threw my phone. I had an inkling based on what Rebecca said, but... good christ. It got me.

Re: the ending again Yeah, I mean, I completely understand how it feels. Personally, I can’t really say that I felt differently, particularly after the first watch - I was left empty, too, and so so shattered. Even now, if I have to go back and see clips of the ending, I still get teary-eyed. Some days I would just randomly put on I Shall Believe, or Frank Ocean’s Godspeed, and just... cry. Generally, there’s always going to be that part of us, when we see stories that resonate with us but have sad/tragic endings, that holds up for that bit of hope that they’d defy the odds and conquer whatever it is that life throws at them, That maybe this time as we see them again, they’ll prevail. But... alas.

Re: Nell Crain, this blog is her stan account, and adult Steven can kindly go away. Which, if I’m being honest, I was underwhelmed by Michiel Huisman in Hill House. I mean I saw him in Orphan Black and I remember walking away from the episode where he’s in it thinking, “oh this guy’s good.” And then I see him here and he’s just... there? Everyone made me feel and everyone had that Thing that made me relate to them easier. Not him.

Honestly with Love Quinn... I obviously do not know how batshit crazy she is, but judging from the GIFsets... she’s a chef. I’m studying to be one. Her murdering tendency and derangement aside, I just... want to go to the farmer’s market with her, buy her flowers and/or strawberries or both, and bake pies with her. 

[exoticmoonsstuff]

i know there’s a lotta stuff going on in the world rn and energetically too, and i wonder if thats why i’ve been feeling so disconnected from my friendships? i feel that i don’t resonate with them anymore as much and being around them makes me feel lonelier and almost like an alien and it makes me sad cause it wasn’t always like this, but being on my own feels so natural and i feel that i’d just benefit if i distanced myself a bit sorry if this was weird if you have any advice, i’d appreciate it

Hey! I used the Haunted House tarot. I’ve been struggling with the same thing myself. Between COVID, Pride Month, and BLM protests -- and overall systematic failure to address all three of these issues -- there is so much for all of us to face and understand at the same time. It’s exhausting.

1. Why you feel disconnected: Topaz/Gold. Divine intervention and releasing repressed anger. Forgiveness. Perhaps you are angry at someone, perhaps you are angry at yourself. Either way, learning to accept your emotions is key. Forgiveness does not mean you forget without any expectation of apology or amends. It means letting go of the negative emotions surrounding it once you’ve handled the feelings.

2. How to reconnect with them: Rose Quartz. While this card can indicate romantic love in this context I’m more inclined to believe this refers to gratitude and self-love. Forgive yourself for your feelings. Examine what brings you joy in your life, just write them down or meditate or pray (if you do so) on it.

3. Things to examine: Opal. Let yourself shine and sparkle. This card also speaks on clearing repressed emotions. Don’t be afraid of being too much! Your true friends will love the authentic you. 

[kimmypaw12]

Should I write this yugioh fanfic????

Lol sorry for the alarming title but thats literally how I feel but ok straight to the point (This is going to start out as a bit of a long explanation so if u wanna cut to the chase to the story I'll have this **** to show where my story summary begins ) I wanna write a yugioh fanfic and I like to write story's that's start out happy then In the middle make it anxiety and sad then end it on a happy note if not, go straight into the anxiety/ depression and have the main character suffer right until the end but this story, they story I'm thinking of writing It makes me wanna cringe but at the same time I wanna shot for it and see how it turns out I wanna know if anyone would actually read it or would wanna read so Plzs let me know But alright I'll stop yapping and explain my story But first just to inform u (this is important) in middle school I wrote a fanfic about yugioh with my own oc involved they oc was a white wolf named akira that was supposedly Yugi's guardian. (Born where then tomb gaurdians were like marik) she was Created to help and support yugi to help him help return the pharaoh home (yeah I know it sounds bad but geez it was my first fanfic and I was in middle school. the years where start creative writing so don't make fun of me Plzs lol) anyway I never finished the story but it's still in my fanfic account XD if u are interesting which I doubt u are But u can just note Me or comment under and I'll send u a link, Lmao ******* But yeah the story I wanna write - (I'm not going to actually add this part in they story well maybe but) yugi has been having dreams of this white dog in his life as if it was an old friend to him, they were good dreams but yugi never knew who the white dog was (That part will be a quick introduction into the story but I'm going to make it like "this is how it could have been or it's a seep of a another dimension crossing into his, just something that happened else were but just not here. Do u follow lol?) Anyway (I'll say it as many times as necessary) One day walking home from school yugi pondering over his dreams he sees these kids acting weird off to the side in an ally to learn there beating up this dog with a rock, basically bashing its head over and over, this small defenseless white puppy! Yugi shouts at them to stop, the run for it and toss the rock off to the side It's cover in blood; yugi rushes over to the pup as it's lying on its side whimpering Yugi immediately noticed It looked like the dog yugi has been dreaming about and he also noticed her wearing a collar. Her tag reads only her name Amira (which cause yugi to wince as he remembers the name from his dreams as well) the color and tag are Covered in blood, blood stains all over the pups body The wounds still bleeding of course as Amira's white fur is consumed In red/pink The dog still breathing Just Barely and she's hardly moving, the small figure loosing lots of blood by the second so Yugi picks up The dog and heads to the vet which happens to lead near home but on the way she dies before yugi could even passes his house (the dog gives yugi a friendly lick before passing away just a btw) . Yugi cries of course as he decides to just go straight home with the dead dog to meet grandpa and yami' worried expressions They bury the dog in the back yard with the name akira carved into a small tomb stone. (I though about this and I feel like it be a way of me putting my first old story to rest lol if that makes sense) And do u wanna know why this came to me!!!! First off I was watching the channel ID all day today and was watching one episode of a series called fear the neighbor, and in this particular episode this old guy was killing this one guy with a gun then when he ran out of bullets! He then bashed his gun into the wounded man the used a cement block instead over and over like geez talk about over kill Surprising the man was alive for a bit before sercoming to death Abd the second reson was becuz in this one anime Scene I found on youtube I watched these kids kill a innocent puppy to death just to bully this one girl (the girl was taking care of the pup after school everyday) Out of anger fear and sadness she kills them with some physic power with out having to touch them I was like holy sh** and wanted to cry over the non existing puppy That's when everything clicked and I though about my tragic story I wanna cry about it but at the sane time i just wanna do it but I want U guys oppinion Plzs give me advise

[moidse]

Okay so, I need to open up about a few things... and its been difficult to find the words. It really resonated with me the other week when you said you just don't want to disappoint me when it comes to sex, i really felt that and wanted to make you feel like i do not see you as a disappointment because i don't-- but it is complicated because i am disappointed that we aren't as sexually compatible as I'd hope-- but i this is something that is outside of either of our control and so i hate to think you are mentally punishing yourself for something that just is. I think thats why this is so hard for me to talk about, because im so scared of hurting you. I just really don't want to hurt you and i feel like i have a wall up when im around you more so then i have with past ppl I've dated-- specifically a wall up about my own sexuality and sexual desires, i notice i do tend to hold back my thoughts and feelings because I worry i would turn you off or just make you uncomfortable and so i just dont say much in regards to you or honestly just my sexual thoughts in general not towards you--i just worry if i shared my sexual desires it would push you away somehow... idk its a tricky situation and ive struggled with how to even discuss it.

Like for example, this is kind of embarrassing to talk about but whatever its not really a secret, so like when i get turned on and overwhelmed i just kinda get quiet and shut down a bit, thats just a thing ive down before ive met you, but like, when this does happen with you I dont know how to even express what is going on through my head because im so worried about making you uncomfortable-- like for instance any party we've gone to together i do get super overwhelmed seeing you in these super hot outfits and i have to constantly tell myself to like keep my eyes looking at your eyes and not wandering and i just dont even know if it would make you feel uncomfortable if i were to say hey i think x body part looks super hot in that.. like or if you'd just laugh at me saying that like when i said i was turned on when we were making out, i just fear the reaction wouldn't be good so i just stay quiet about my thoughts and desires and sometimes it does get to me. When i see you in those outfits when we went to the party, when i see you in those black lacey underwear its like, my brain freezes and is no longer in the present, my consciousness has shifted into all of my fantasy thoughts of how I'd to touch you and everything i wish i could do to you because you look so hot and i cant stop thinking about it and my mind goes off in a daze, like a trance and i feel like normally i would be more vocal about my wants and desires when this happens but with you im like you probably do not wanna hear my thoughts and fantasizes because it would make you uncomfortable/ you are zero percent interested in doing these things and it isnt something hot for you so i just need to not say anything-- and that sometimes does get to me and makes me feel sad a bit... like tbh i do masturbate thinking about you, i mean i have for quite sometime now, and its just like at first i would try not to think about my fantasizes that i felt like you wouldnt be into, i would police fantasizes and be like no leah you can't even think about wanting to do these things... then not super long ago i was like fuck it i can think about whatever i want, i can think about all the things i wish i could do with you... and so i started fantasizing and masturbating to the thought of all the things i wish we would do but im pretty sure are outside of your comfort zone and that's now almost making me sad too-- its like after i cum im just like man that sucks that this is just a fantasy that i can't actually do.

And the thing is is its like, sex is a two way thing, like hypothetically if you were okay with some of the things i want to do its just like not the same if you are just neutral/lukewarm about it and actually turned on and want these things to happen as well. Like thats way hotter and i dont wanna just do the motions of sex while you arent invested or engaged because that's depressing and id rather not do it at all. Which is why ive never mentioned these things. Sometimes i think well we can work on this and other times i worry that we cant change just how we are very different sexually tho, like yes i can teach you how to touch me, i can teach you how to pretend to be into it but deep down I'll just be focused on how its you pretending to be engaged and you aren't actually interested in doing any of this-- it takes me out of it and its just hard to let go and relax, im worried about so many things and sex is only good when you're truly relaxed and trust the other person.

It just sucks. I often get overwhelmed and just want to touch you SO BAD. I just want it so bad and i have to pause and hold back and it just is soooo sexually frustrating!! But at the same time i want to touch you i want to go down on you i want to do all these things because i want to make you feel good and its like if these things cause anxiety and shit and make you uncomfortable then i don't wanna do it. It sucks. I just want to touch you, i want to feel you up, i want to hear you moan-- i just want to please you and make you feel good in these intimate ways... i wish you wanted to touch me and feel me up and hear me moan too tho, i wish you craved these things for me and its like at times i can feel you don't and it does take me out of it. I want you to want to touch me, i want you to fantasize about me like how i do for you but i know you just dont operate that way, its like what do you find hot about me? What turns you on about me? Because i can go on about all my fantasizes and stuff but it just feels weird to share when i dont even know what you think is hot about me.

And tbh the other day when we were talking about sex, i said i enjoyed you grinding on me and you did that after i said that and it made me realize i shouldve specified-- it wasnt just you grinding on me that was so hot-- tbh that time we had sex after i traveled back from Cleveland was the hottest time we've fucked for me and it made me really happy & hopeful, although i was so tired my memory was splotchy so i could even be misremembering what made it the hottest for me. I just remember you being on top of me and being like the most aggressive I'd experienced without me even asking, which was so hot and it made me feel like you weren't just lukewarm but were truly enjoying yourself and we were both into it which was so hot and what i want. I just remember you on top of me being aggressive and i was super into it and like moaning like crazy and quickly asked you to finger me. And as you were fingering me i remember feeling you grinding against my leg while wearing those super hot lacey black underwear-- and now idk if this was sweat or what, but tbh i could feel wetness as you were grinding against me and THAT was why it was so SO hot for me. That was the FIRST and really only time i had evidence that you were turned on and into it and thought i was hot and fucking me was hot and it just felt reassuring that you are into it and arent just doing the motions of sex. I didnt ask you to grind against me. You were just acting and doing what felt right and pleasing yourself rubbing against me and it was so hot.

Usually, i don't really get any evidence that you're turned on. I don't get an auditory moans or sighs. I dont get to feel you being wet, i dont get to feel ur nips being hard or anything. I dont get any signs that you are turned on besides you later telling me you are but i don't get any signs or validation in the moment and that time was so hot because i didnt even have to ask but you were just rubbing urself against me and i could feel you being wet which only turned me on more. Its like i want you to be enjoying yourself too. I dont want it to be one sided. A lot of the part that turns me on is seeing/hearing my partner being arousing and into it and i don't get that from you and its hard to get into it when it just feels like youre helping me masturbate rather then we are fucking... like i want to feel that you are invested, present, and into & engaged--but that one time when werr you being aggressive and rubbing yourself against me i felt for the first and only time that we were both into it and it wasnt just you touching me.

It sucks because i dont want you to feel bad. I understand we are just different and it is what it is. This isn't something that is a big deal that i want to like break up with you. Sex isnt everything and i feel we are compatible in so many ways-- it just is something i wish was different and more satisfying but it is what it is.

Another thing thats hard for me to speak on-- so i do have bottom Dysphoria and i feel very nervous about talking about it and my desires that validate my bottom Dysphoria because im like 99% sure you are zero percent interested in doing any of the things and it would just hurt me to have that confirmed so i just dont even vocalize it. It sucks cuz in the past year ive realized i do have bottom Dysphoria and i shouldnt feel ashamed and embarrassed by it and its something im still working on... but its like I've realized its hard for me to cum and be really turned on when i don't get to express my transexual desires. I think its especially hard because i still feel shy about it. The last person i was with was the first time i had ever been open about my bottom Dysphoria and it taught me a lot about myself. It sucks that i feel pretty confident that these desires that would validate my bottom dysphoria are off the table and would make you uncomfortable. Its hard and im too afraid to even ask and have that confirmed because it would hurt me too much.

But i guess i need to be brave and have this tough conversation and express my desires that I'm holding back just to know if any of them are something you'd be down to do and if not its fine. It probably would just be better for me to know rather then continuously wonder and feel sad about it.

[lifeofanemotionalbeing]

Tonight, my anxiety is rules my body. I haven't had more than one cup of coffee within the last 3 days. I went from drinking 2-3 cups of caffeine a day, to one, if any. My body is tired, my eyes are tired. But my mind and heart are awake. My heart is beating fast, and I can’t stop thinking. Reflecting. The weird thing is, though, sometimes I can’t even control what I’m thinking or why. I feel these feelings, and these moods. I sit and think really hard to describe or pin point what it is I’m feeling- what the feeling is, what may be the cause of it, what my subconscious may be trying to tell me that I may be suppressing through my day to day life. 

I have felt sad all day. But I’ve. been reflecting almost all night. I’ve come to the conclusion that the active theme in today’s mood is relationships. All of them, not just love or my relationship specifically. Relationships with people in my life that I’m closest to, or supposed to be closest to.

I am going through probably one of the toughest times in my life. I don't know where this has all come from, but I'm trying to figure that out too. I’m not a person who asks for help, and I'm not a person who deals with needing help very easily or lightly. I’m also not the type to lean on others, I'm the type to shut down completely like a machine when going through these times. And I’m trying very, very hard each day to not do that, or to not take steps that close me off. I’m trying to deal with this head on, and be more open to the people I hold the closest to me about it. It wouldn't be the first time that I have been told that my emotional issues often leave me looking cold, or like I don't care for others. when in reality, I am struggling so hard to get outside of my own head that it’s as if I'm consistently being eaten by my own thoughts. If how I feel could be depicted into a photo, it would probably be some cliche graffiti of a boy, holding his head in his hands, alone- with some type of squiggle lines and different circles above my head to represent the mess inside. 

I dont know much. One thing I have come to terms with is that this is, indeed, a breakthrough time for me. Me using the word breakthrough is me trying to turn my hardships and this emotional issue that I;m not dealing well with, and try to use it to become more aware of my emotions, more awake, more considerate, maybe even more compassionate? Have I spent too much time drinking my pains away or distracting myself that I’ve never faced my true self, or my emotions? Have I suppressed so many emotions in my life that they are finally pouring out now? What is causing this? what is causing me to feel this way? I feel like I am losing my mind. It is driving me crazy. I feel as if I’m searching. I’m searching for something, some sort of sign from the universe to just tell me I'm going to be okay. Or to just tell me that I know who I am. Because lately, I don't even know that. 

One thing I have come to terms with is that this is, indeed, a very rough time for me. As much as I push people away from me, deep down- all I really want is to feel loved, and supported through my flaws. These flaws. Because lately, I had been feeling batshit crazy, out of my mind, and completely unlovable. And you know what? The people around me help make me feel that way. Or is that all in my head too? All I know is that I am constantly walking around with this feeling that the people who are closest to me and everyone I care about is just frustrated with me. I feel unloveable, and completely misunderstood. Especially in a time where I need support, but wouldn't ever dare ask for it. 

There are three main goals that Ive been trying to accomplish this year, and I plan on sticking to: To be more considerate of people’s feelings, to try not to wallow in my depression, and to express more.

I found my mind racing back to the past a lot today. Glimpses of the person I used to be. Little flashes of scenes from my past, people from my past. These scenes, or flashes, I usually see a young me, smiling, knowing who I was. Ive been thinking back to a lot of traumatic things that have happened in my life, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of changes, a lot of pain. Then, I started to analyze my past relationships. 

For most of my young life, I have always put others above myself. I was always doing everything for people, who did nothing for me. I’d buy everyone hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas gifts to get nothing in return, I’d always pay for things and never get reciprocated, I’ve always done what everyone else wanted- in both friendships and relationships.

It’s kind of funny when you look back on something from your past that seemed so insignificant at the time, and now you realize it was one of the most pivotal moments. Today, I did a lot of reflecting on relationships. Past friendships, and probably my most serious relationship. Something that has always fascinated me, yet depressed me at the same time, was watching relationships fall apart. Friendships- you stop hitting each other up, stop confiding in each other, only using each other for when you need something, slowly drifting. Relationships- the subtle fighting, the jealously, the sleeping in other rooms, the communication dying. 

Although very insignificant now, I found myself thinking back to my most serious relationship. I had watched us, fall apart, and I was too young to see it happening before my eyes. I think back to the Lisa that I was then. I remember that person very well. I had such hope in my eyes. Such passion for things. You couldn't stop me. I was always hopeful, always silly. What happened?Could it be that I did grow up? does that person not exist anymore because of life and struggles? I think back to the look in her eyes, when she would look at me like the most annoying person in the world. That look is probably one of the only things I remember. I get that same look, very often, right now. What is it about me that is so intolerably annoying? AM I really that hard to love? I remember a scene in my life very significantly. I was sitting on my college dorm room bed, talking to the person I would soon be on and off with for the next 4 years, about the ending of my relationship. I cried, for hours, about how unlovable I felt. I remember, very distinctly, saying the sentence “she made me feel like I was unlovable. Like no one would ever love me the way she did. That no one would want to”. Could these be issues I’ve been suppressing? Could my years of dating around, and not taking anything seriously have suppressed that feeling and those issues for me? At one point, in 2013, I remember having a conversation with my best friend. This resonated with me heavily, and still does. She had told me that I wasn't meant for relationships. Or that I’m just not capable of it. At the time, I was dating around, I saw nothing wrong with that statement. Until I met a wonderful girl, who in a way, changed my world. She has made me want to burn my past in flames and prove everyone wrong. 

Do I know that I’m living my karma with my current situation? Absolutely. It’s kind of funny, when you change your mindset on things and views on certain things, but surround yourself with people you’ve known for so long that they just throw those flaws of yours in your face? When I had found out the woman I'm in love with was seeing someone else that day, I lost my mind. I showed up at my friends house, with her whole family home- a family that has known me for years and has seen me at my complete worse through many, many things. As I sit there, chugging a bottle of wine, my friends mom looks at me and says “you’ll bounce back Lisa, you always do” “do you really love her” “why do you want to make this work so bad” “it’s not worth it”. And all I can do is blubber back “I love her, I don't want anyone else. Ive never wanted to make something work so bad in my life” “this isn't like the past relationships”. As someone else looks at me, saying those things, professing my love and desire to fix my relationship and says- “I hate to say it Lisa, but this is your karma for what happened with Nikki. The one person you actually want to be with, doesn’t want to be with you”. And I knew she was right. 

Do you ever lay awake at night, insecure about something and can almost hear it taunting you in your head? I cant even count how many times I've heard “you're not meant for relationships” In my head. Fighting my past, and choosing my future, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do - mentally. In every tv show or movie, there is always that one fucked up person. That one fuck up of a friend, of a family member. who is always trying to do better. But continuously falls into holes of their past because they lack support, or their demons are just so loud that in some sick, twisted way, they revert instead of move forward? Have you ever just wanted to fight who you used to be so hard, but just hate yourself so much that you say whats the point of even trying? I have been getting eaten alive by my guilt, my insecurities, and the pain I have carried around for so long from hurting other people and the messes I've created. And then I hear “this is your karma” and I flash back to the only thing I can compare this to. 

Gaps are hard to close once they've been wedged open. Thats usually how it works. I’ve been in many relationships, have dated many people, have talked to many insignificant people. But the second most significant relationship I’ve had in my life, started with a gap. A change. And when that time comes, you choose to let it go or hold on tighter. Last night I was watching a show. There was a gap starting in a relationship between these two women. One was going through a really tough time (losing their job, emotional issues, etc) and the communication was cut due to depression. The other person, wanted to break up with her. Because there was a gap starting. There were other women, other opportunities. Easier, more exciting. At first, she was going to end things. But then, she looked at her girlfriend and said, “In a world of instant gratification, we always leave when things don't work or things get hard. We always want whats instant, whats easy. It'd be easy to leave and start something fresh with someone else. Yeah, the girl at the park today and I hit it off, but I felt something weird when she went to kiss me. She wasn't you. I cant do that, because I love you. And I’m not ready to let you go just yet”. They proceeded to talk about how they have nothing in common, different values. The scene ended with them laughing at something stupid together, and just laying laughing. Talking about nothing, then turned into making love. And sometimes, those moments are what bring you closer to someone, not what you have in common. When you realize how much you throughly enjoy each other’s company. people fall in and out of love countless times. 

I forgot where I was going with this love tangent. I just, am really getting my ass handed to me lately. The only woman I've ever wanted to be in a committed relationship with desperately, doesn't want me and looks at me like i’m the biggest nuisance on the planet. I am my biggest critic. I am just so emotional, and I'm trying very hard to get to the route of these emotions so I can hopefully better understand what is causing these mood swings or moods in general. I’m hoping that with doing that, and being more in tune, that I will also be more in tune with others and stop feeling like such a disappointment.In my mind, to me, this is very traumatic. Knowing that I may have some type of emotional issue is traumatic for me. Some days, its hard for me to even speak or make sense out of a sentence because of all thats going on in my head. Some days, I feel so fragile that you could knock me down with a simple “hey hows your day”. Some days I cant even look in a mirror without crying. Some days I just cant even get out of bed, while others I cant sleep at all. Its just very hard to go through these things when you feel like a bother, a disappointment, and a failure to those closest to you. 

In the end, all you need is yourself. Only you can pull yourself out of this. I just hope that I can continue to dig deeper and find some causes of these feelings.