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allsassnoclass · 4 years

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my only weakness (you know all my secrets)

I have had the great fortune to participate in @ashesonthefloor‘s Halloween fic event this year! Honestly it was a blast and I’m super excited to see everyone else’s creations!

Event Masterlist

For this event, we all were assigned a pairing, then got to choose from a list of prompts. My prompt was as follows: “You’ve told me three separate times now you have a vampire kink and I’m starting to wonder if you know I’m a vampire.” Or, pretty explanatory. One person is a vampire. The other has a vampire “kink”. (Can also be them saying they like the aesthetic, or trying to hint that they know and don’t mind. Literally do what you want with it) I strayed a little bit, but the prompt idea is still there! Hope you enjoy!

Michael is having a hard time figuring out if the amount of vampire jokes and references is due to Ashton knowing his deepest, darkest secret, or if that's just his sense of humor.

Read on ao3

The first time it happens, they’re heading to their first date.

Michael hasn’t really dated anyone since the 90s, because dating is complicated. He doesn’t age. He can’t eat regular food. Going out in the sun is dicy at best and results in extremely painful sunburn at worst. He shows up in most mirrors now, because they rarely have silver backing anymore, but pictures are a no-go because his eyes cause a lens flare.

The last person he went on an actual date with was Calum, because they’ve been friends for centuries and figured they might as well give it a go. Michael wishes they could have worked, but it took some making out before they both agreed that, as much as they love each other, it’s all platonic. The date itself was fun, but there were no romantic butterflies to be found. Michael has seen Calum naked many times before, and while he can appreciate a handsome man, when it’s Calum it does nothing for him.

Ashton is very handsome. He’s also funny, and passionate, and he’s got more than enough snark to speak Michael’s language. He’s got tenacity and determination, and for some reason part of that determination got directed towards getting Michael on a date with him.

He didn’t have to work very hard. Michael said yes at the first opportunity.

For the first date, Ashton asked if he could pick him up, so Michael waits nervously in his living room, listening to his grandfather clock ticking. (He’s had it since 1733. It was made specifically for him by the clockmaker, a parting gift because if Michael stayed in the area for too much longer, his lack of ageing would get suspicious.)

(This is such a bad idea. Even if this date goes well, Michael can’t be in a relationship with a human for very long before his secret will slip.)

His phone vibrates with a message, and he nearly jumps out of his skin before he realizes that it’s just Calum, not Ashton about to cancel or spring a sudden change of plans.

Cal: have fun on your date ;) wow him with your Biting sense of humor

Michael: i hate you the puns got old centuries ago

Cal: you love them

Michael’s doorbell rings, startling him enough that he fumbles his phone and effectively cutting off any sort of argument he may have started to get into. Michael stands from the couch, takes a deep breath, and answers the door.

Ashton looks really fucking good. Michael has only really seen him in their work clothes, when Ashton is writing up articles about the local music scene and Michael is busy approving things to put on the website, but he dresses up very nicely. His hair is artfully tousled in a way Michael knows must take a little bit of time, and Michael thinks there might be just a hint of glitter under his eyes that would make his heart palpitate if it still did stuff like that. His shirt is short sleeved, showing off his arms nicely, and there are roses printed against the white fabric that match the ones in the bouquet in his hands.

Michael doesn’t know the last time someone gave him flowers.

“Hi,” Ashton says. “You look amazing.”

Michael feels like he’s underdressed now. He’s got on a black long sleeve, because the sun hasn’t fully set yet and he’s trying to cover as much skin as possible, and a pair of black jeans. It’s a nicer shirt of his, something name brand that he can afford due to decades of saving here and there, but he’s well aware that his overall style leans more casual than dressy.

“Thanks,” he says. “You look absolutely fantastic.”

Ashton glances down and smiles, pleased. Michael likes that he can make him react like that.

“I got you flowers,” Ashton says. “I hope you aren’t allergic. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I’d feel silly.”

“I’m not,” Michael smiles, taking them from him. There are a few sprigs of lily of the valley tucked in amongst the roses and ferns, and he takes a deep inhale. He loves the sweet scent of roses and how lively fresh flowers can appear to be even when they’re dying. Maybe it’s self-centered, but he likes to think there are some similarities between him and the plants. They’re not alive anymore, but they’re still going, and they can still bring people a little bit of joy for a few impermanent moments before moving on.

“I’ll put these in some water. You can step in for a second, if you want.”

He had excessively cleaned the entry and living room earlier in the evening, paranoid in case something like this forced Ashton inside. At least now he’s certain that there’s nothing incriminating lying about.

“Nice place,” Ashton says.

“Thanks,” Michael replies, already booking it for the kitchen to grab a vase. Once he gets there he takes a moment to try to stop the slight shake to his hands and compose himself.

You are an ancient, immortal being who has lived through the fall of empires, he scolds himself. You can handle one date with a cute boy who brought you flowers.

Ashton beams when Michael says he’s ready to go.

“I was thinking we could walk, if that’s okay,” he says while Michael locks the door behind them. “It’s not far.”

“Are you going to tell me where we’re actually going, yet?” Michael asks. Ashton mimes zipping his lips. The only information he gave Michael was that it’s going to be a pretty casual setting (and yet he showed up to Michael’s door looking like that) and that Michael won’t have to eat. That’s something he specifically requested, making up a bunch of excuses about being gluten free and severely lactose intolerant and giving a list of other allergens a mile long.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Ashton laughs when he pouts. “Come on.”

He grabs Michael’s hand to start leading him down the street, and Michael absolutely will not admit to himself how nice it feels, warm and alive against his.

They go through some basic small talk on the way there, touching on current work projects since they’re in different departments and learning a bit more about each other’s families. Michael makes an excuse about his being in Australia and tells Ashton about Calum instead, and Ashton fills time by describing his mom and siblings. It’s cute to see the way he lights up, seeming radiant in the light of the setting sun that Michael has to squint harshly against.

“Wow, you really don’t like the sun,” Ashton says eventually.

“What? Oh, not really, I guess.”

“I should’ve known, but I wasn’t sure if all of you are fully nocturnal or not.”

“What?” Michael asks, alarm bells ringing. “Why would you--what makes you say that?”

Ashton shrugs nonchalantly.

“You know. You’re just so pale and pasty,” he says, obvious tease in his voice. “Definitely closer to a creature of the night than an early bird, I’d guess.”

He’s joking. Ashton has not, somehow, discovered his secret ten minutes into their first date.

“Oh fuck you,” he laughs. “Not all of us can have perfect natural tans. I burn really easily.”

“Do you glow in the dark, too? Turn fluorescent under blacklights?”

“Shut up,” Michael says, but he leans a little into Ashton as he says it to let him know that the banter isn’t unwelcome.

“I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.”

Michael doesn’t have a chance to ask what he means before Ashton is pulling him towards the doors of a large building. He holds it open for him like a gentleman, and Michael misses the contact of their hands but appreciates having all of his senses free to process the new environment, which is full of a plethora of new sights, sounds, and smells.

“Roller skating?” Michael asks, looking around the large arena. It’s dim, but his eyes adjust immediately to take in the wondrously tacky carpet outside the rink, highlighted in brief bursts by rotating colorful lights. Loud music plays over the speakers, and in the arena people in small groups or pairs are making their way around the track. He can smell fried food and various types of beverages coming from a bar in the corner, mingling with the scent of unfamiliar people. He takes it all in for a moment, then dials back his senses to make it more bearable.

“It’ll be fun,” Ashton says. “Willing to give it a go?”

“Definitely.”

They go get their skates, and Ashton pays for the shoe rental and the entrance fee. Michael hasn’t been roller skating in probably around a decade, and he’s excited Ashton picked this as their date location. So many date ideas these days have to do with food, the only thing Michael absolutely can’t participate in, but Ashton found something that will hopefully be fun while still allowing them to talk and get to know each other better.

“Ready?” Ashton asks. Michael nods, and then they step out into the rink.

Ashton, it turns out, is worse at roller skating than Michael is. That makes sense, because Michael did it a lot in the 70s and 90s and has gone a few times since to keep it fresh, and Ashton isn’t awful, but there are a few instances where he wobbles and his hand immediately reaches out to grab at Michael’s arm before he rebalances and apologizes. Michael laughs at him good naturedly and does a few circles around him until Ashton huffs and Michael slips an arm through his.

“Come on,” Michael says. “Once you’re used to this in about fifteen minutes, I’ll race you around the track.”

Michael wins the first race, but Ashton wins the second, although Michael is giggling too much for it to count, in his opinion. They spend a lot of time making laps and talking, and Michael skates backwards to show off at every opportunity while Ashton dances to the songs that come on over the speakers to make him laugh. It’s one of the best nights Michael has had in a long time, and by the time they leave they’re both walking slowly, stretching their time together as much as possible.

“I had a really good time tonight,” Ashton says when they finally reach Michael’s door. His front light makes the glitter under Ashton’s eyes sparkle, and Michael technically doesn’t have to breathe, but his breath still catches.

“Me too,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“So...do you want to do this again?” Ashton asks.

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot. I’ll take you out, next time.”

“Okay,” Ashton smiles, ducking his head. Michael catches a faint blush on his cheeks, blood rushing up to color them, and he loves that he sees Ashton like this. At work, he’s always cool and level-headed, confident in what he says and strong in his opinions. Michael has managed to turn him bashful, and that is possibly the best thing to come out of the date.

“I should let you get on with your night,” Ashton says eventually. Michael tries to find some sort of excuse to get him to stay, but then Ashton leans forward and presses his lips to Michael’s cheek, soft and lingering. When he takes a step back, Michael wants to pull him in again to memorize the scent of his skin and feel of his warmth.

“Good night,” Ashton says.

“Night,” Michael makes himself reply. Ashton smiles again, then sets off down the street. Michael watches him, smiling when he glances back and waves again, and continues to stand on his front stoop until Ashton is fully out of sight, even for him.

His phone buzzes as soon as he steps inside, and Michael pulls it out in case it’s something important or work related (or Ashton).

Cal: how was the date? or are you two still going…?

Michael: really fucking good

On the third date, Michael gets to see the inside of Ashton’s apartment.

Michael took them stargazing for their second date. There was a meteor shower he wanted to try to watch, anyway, and he found a good spot outside the city where it would be mostly visible. Ashton likes being outdoors, and Michael doesn’t mind it at night, so he drove them out of the city, made the trek up a hill, and laid out a blanket for them to cuddle up in. All in all, it was a great night. Even the car ride to and from the location was amazing, because Michael told Ashton to make a playlist for it and they spent the entire time discussing favorite songs. Ashton is such a snob about it sometimes, since he’s a music journalist and is always evaluating in his head, but there were a few surprises that he put on there simply because “good music doesn’t always have to be good music, Michael.”

Ashton kissed him on the cheek again when Michael walked him to his door. Michael thinks that something so simple shouldn’t occupy so much space in his thoughts, but he’s been replaying it in his head over and over. It’s a little distracting at work, especially when he gets one of Ashton’s articles to upload to the website.

They head to Ashton’s right after they both clock out. Ashton doesn’t live far and typically walks (he really likes walking places, Michael has noticed), but Michael drives them so he’ll have his car handy at the end of the night. It’s a relatively nice building, and Ashton holds the lobby door open for him, which counts enough as an invite to allow him to enter. They take the elevator up to the fifth floor, then Ashton unlocks his door and steps in.

From what Michael can see, it’s a nice apartment. The entry, kitchen, and living room flow easily together, and there’s a hallway off to the side that Michael assumes leads to the bathroom and bedrooms.

He can’t step over the threshold. He hasn’t been invited in this time, not explicitly enough for him to freely enter despite knowing that Ashton wants him there.

“My roommate is out for the night. I swear I cleaned before I left for work today,” Ashton says, puttering around the living room and picking up what looks like a stray sock, righting the pillows on the couch and straightening some books on the coffee table. Michael leans against the doorframe and watches him. Fluffing the pillows doesn’t really matter to Michael, but if it makes Ashton feel better it’s no hardship on him.

Ashton finishes, then glances around until he spots Michael still in the hall.

“Oh. I didn’t really invite you in, did I.”

“It would’ve been the polite thing to do,” Michael teases. “I’d hate to intrude, you know.”

“We wouldn’t want that,” Ashton says, coming forward and taking both of Michael’s hands in his. “Michael Clifford, I formally invite you into my home. You are welcome here whenever you’d like.”

“A simple ‘hey, come in,’ would’ve been sufficient, but thanks,” he laughs, stepping forward.

“Absolutely not,” Ashton says. “If you’re going to be vampiric about entering my home, I’m going to treat you with the proper respect, Count Clifford.”

Apparently the vampire jokes are going to be a thing. Michael can work with that, instead of panicking over it. If he turns it into a bit, maybe Ashton will brush things off longer.

“Thank you, mortal. Now, I vant to suck your blood,” he says, exaggerating the awful stereotypical (absolutely false and insulting) accent. It gets a laugh from Ashton, though, which is what he wanted.

“If you manage to beat me at chess, I’ll let you,” Ashton says.

Michael hasn’t let himself think about Ashton’s blood. He can control himself very easily around humans, and bloodlust isn’t really a thing with him unless he hasn’t eaten in over a week. He has a specific concoction that he picks up from the magic shop like clockwork, a mixture of animal blood, some herbs, a few drops of human blood (humanely donated), and whatever the fuck is the flavor for that batch, but that doesn’t mean he’s completely forgotten how amazing it tastes to drink pure, living blood. It’s incredibly intimate, and Michael hasn’t been that close with a human in a very, very long time.

“Okay,” he chokes, once the silence has stretched on too long. Ashton quirks an eyebrow at him, but moves to get the board games without comment.

Michael loves board games. He loves all games, really, and he mostly deals with video games now to keep as up to date as possible (and because he doesn't have to invite friends over to play most of them). What’s nice about games, though, is that they can change every time. Michael has been playing chess since it was invented, but he’s never played against Ashton, and it’s going to be an entirely new experience.

Unfortunately, Ashton is extremely good at chess.

“What the fuck,” Michael says, king toppling after a five-move checkmate.

“Darn,” Ashton replies, faux innocent. “I guess there’ll be no bloodsucking tonight.”

“Wait, I want a rematch. I’m good at chess, I swear.”

Ashton wins twice more before they move on to another game. They cycle through a few before landing on a card game from Ashton’s family, one that Michael hasn’t heard of or played before. It has a lot of complicated rules, and Ashton walks him through it slowly. If Michael feints misunderstanding more than necessary just to have Ashton’s focus on him, leaning close to look at his cards and explain the best moves, then that’s his business.

Michael doesn’t realize how much time has passed until Ashton’s stomach grumbles loud enough for him to hear.

“How is it already nine o’clock?” he asks. “Shit, you haven’t eaten yet. You could’ve had something.”

Ashton just shakes his head.

“I’m not going to eat in front of you if I don’t have anything to feed you, too,” he says. Michael wishes it were possible for him to digest human food, because while Ashton does have a nice amount of blood he could tap into with permission, somehow Michael doesn’t think that’s on the table

“I have a weird meal schedule, anyway,” he says. “I eat a really big lunch, then only something small late at night. I really don’t mind.”

“I’ll remember that for future reference,” Ashton says. “Although someday I hope you let me feed you.”

It is such a good thing that breathing is an option for Michael, rather than a requirement. Ashton may not have any clue how what he’s saying sounds, but that doesn’t mean Michael isn’t affected.

“We’ll see,” he says, although there’s no chance that’ll ever happen. “I should probably head home, anyway.”

Ashton checks the time.

“You can stay longer if you want. My roommate will be back soon, but he wouldn’t mind.”

Michael wants to stay, but he’s not sure he’d ever leave if he did.

“I think I’ll go. I’m not sure we’re at the “meeting the roommates” stage yet.”

Michael stands, and Ashton follows to walk him out.

“I had a good time. Again,” Ashton says as they walk down the stairs.

“Me too, even if I think you were somehow cheating at chess.”

“Hey,” Ashton complains, then pauses. “I was going to say that jealousy isn’t a good look on you, but everything is a good look on you.”

“Shut up,” Michael says. “That’s not true at all. I have made some bad fashion choices in the past.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Ashton says. Michael wishes he could show him the pictures from the 80s, as embarrassing as they are. They reach the bottom landing entirely too soon, but Ashton walks him out to the parking deck until they’re standing next to his car.

“So,” Ashton says, squaring his shoulders. “We’ve been on three dates so far, and I really like you, Michael. Hanging out with you has been some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I was wondering if you wanted to officially be my boyfriend.”

Fuck. The smart thing would be to cut this off now, before either of them get too attached, because Michael already thinks it would absolutely shatter his non-existent heart if Ashton found out and thought he was a monster.

“Absolutely,” he says instead, because he’s an idiot who wants what he can’t have. “These past few dates have been the most fun I’ve had in a long time, too.”

Ashton beams, like the sun breaking through clouds. He has dimples, and Michael really wants to press his fingers into the divots. He just wants to touch Ashton everywhere, really, to feel the soft skin and know that there’s blood bringing heat to it from his heart to every corner and crevice.

There’s something so absolutely tantalizing about how alive Ashton is. Michael knows that he can’t be more like him, not even if he was actually alive still, but he’s content to have him near. He’d be content to watch from a distance, honestly, but if Ashton wants him close then Michael is going to stay close.

He should not be this whipped after only the third date.

“Well,” he says once they’ve spent too much time grinning at each other silently.

“I should let you go,” Ashton says. “I’ll text you.”

“I’d like that,” Michael says. He goes to open his car door, but Ashton’s hand on his wrist stops him. He leans forward and to kiss Michael on the cheek, just like the past two dates, but this time it lands a bit lower and closer to the middle. The corner of his mouth hits Michael’s and lingers there for just a second longer than he can bear.

“For fucks sake,” he breathes, then slots their lips together properly. Ashton smiles into the kiss before he can get it under control and properly kiss back. Maybe it’s dramatic to say that this kiss feels like it’s filling some hole in Michael that he didn’t know was vacant, but Michael is a dramatic guy, and there’s something special about the way their noses bump and how instinctual it is to shift closer. Michael doesn’t really want it to end, so he gives Ashton another peck before pulling away fully. Ashton’s eyes take a moment to flutter open.

It’s definitely far too early to be in love, but Michael is very self-aware after being around for so long, and he knows he’s going to have to actively try not to fall head-over-heels for Ashton.

“Have a good night, Ashton,” Michael says.

“You too. Drive safe.”

Michael keeps his composure as he pulls out of the parking space, aware of Ashton’s eyes on him. He manages to keep it together all the way home, actually, but the moment his door shuts behind him he’s leaning against it, giddy with a crush and wondering what he’s just gotten himself into.

Movie nights become a bit of a thing. It’s a low-maintenance way to spend time together, and sometimes they’re both too tired after grueling work days or hard weeks to be around a lot of people. Michael’s house has a pretty nice tv, and he has an extensive movie collection, including some horrible b-movies on VHS that Ashton finds endlessly amusing. A lot of Michael’s favorite moments are spent snuggled up on the couch under Ashton’s arm or with his feet in his lap, watching the way the light from the screen plays off of his face more than the movie itself.

Ashton hasn’t seen the Twilight movies, which is almost a travesty. Michael watched all of them in theaters with Calum, both of them weirdly captivated with how completely bonkers and inaccurate they are, and they’ve seen them often enough to quote them almost completely to each other at the drop of a hat. Michael is tired today, and he wants something he doesn’t have to pay much attention to.

He sleeps significantly less than humans do, but that doesn’t mean that staying up for the past week and a half straight was a good idea. He was also on his feet more than usual at work, and everything is hurting a little. His body has better-than-average healing, but it’s also over a few centuries old. Today, he’s feeling it.

Edward has just gotten the first sniff of Bella and looks like he’s about to puke when Ashton turns to him. Michael is leaning against the corner of the couch, head lolling to the side and feet tucked up next to him. He’s been looking at Ashton and letting his thoughts drift, and he should probably be more embarrassed than he is that he was caught at it.

“What’s up with you today?” Ashton asks. “You’re suspiciously quiet.”

“Tired,” Michael says. “My feet hurt.”

“I can help with one of those things,” he says. “Give me your feet.”

“What?”

Ashton gestures until Michael uncurls, stretching his legs out until his feet land in Ashton’s lap. He starts at Michael’s ankles, gently rubbing and then moving to the bottoms of his feet. Michael jumps when he presses down on a particularly tight tendon, but it’s already feeling leagues better.

“I can’t believe you’re touching my feet,” he groans as Ashton presses a knuckle into the center, making his toes curl. “That’s so gross.”

Ashton snorts.

“I don’t mind, but I’ll wash my hands after if it makes you feel better. I just want to make you feel good.”

Michael’s face would be completely inflamed if he had the blood for it.

“Shut up. This better not be a fetish for you.”

Ashton laughs this time, a full belly laugh that Michael would enjoy hearing more if it didn’t make him stop the massage.

“Would that be a deal breaker?” he giggles when he’s calmed down enough. Michael takes a moment to evaluate if he’s actually joking or not, because he really likes Ashton and has loved being his boyfriend for the past couple of months, but feet might be where he draws the line.

“No, I don’t have a foot fetish,” Ashton says after a moment of Michael staring at him like a deer in the headlights. Michael lets out a sigh of relief. He can be adventurous about stuff like that, and he’s been around long enough to try basically everything, but someone being aroused by his feet will always be just a little too weird.

“Do you have any embarrassing fetishes or kinks?” Ashton asks conversationally. “Just… for future reference, if that’s something you want.”

They haven’t done anything besides some lazy making out, which Michael is grateful for. He likes that they’re taking their time with it. He doesn’t want to rush this, but the thought has crossed his mind before.

He swallows. Ashton’s alternating between glancing at the tv and paying attention to his massage, and Michael doesn’t know if he should be grateful that he’s not trapped under that gaze or upset that he doesn’t have Ashton’s full undivided attention.

“Nothing embarrassing,” Michael says. “I’m open to a lot of things, but I really like being taken care of. I’ve been told I can be demanding and needy. Sometimes I like… being held down, I guess. Nothing excessive, but…”

He’s an extra-strong, extra-resilient being. Every time he feels like someone else has the control, it’s a special kind of rush.

Ashton glances at him from under his eyelashes, the blue-green light from the tv casting strange and otherworldly shadows over his face. Michael swallows thickly again.

“I like taking care of my partner, so that works out,” Ashton says. Michael nods. Ashton turns back to the tv and tilts his head in consideration, putting his neck on full display.

“You know,” he says, “I never really was into biting, but now…” He trails off, then brings a finger up to his neck, tracing along the length of it subconsciously. At least, Michael hopes that it’s subconscious. The air is thick with tension, and if Ashton is doing this on purpose than he knows a lot more about Michael than he’s let on.

“It might be nice to be marked up a bit,” Ashton says. He glances at Michael, the corner of his mouth turning up in a small smile. “Maybe Bella had the right idea, going after a vampire.”

Michael snorts and the tension dissipates like a balloon popping.

“I hardly think anyone in this movie counts as a real vampire.”

“You don’t think real vampires sparkle in the sun?” Ashton asks. “Darn. What’s the point of vampires if you have to dump glitter on them for the sparkle effect?”

“You’re an idiot,” Michael laughs.

“I’m the idiot? You’re the one who’s all the way over there when you have a perfectly good boyfriend right here who’s ready to cuddle you.”

Michael rolls his eyes and shifts to tuck himself against Ashton’s side.

“Happy?” he asks.

“Very,” Ashton says, taking a blanket from the back of the couch and draping it over them. It’s cozy. Michael sighs in contentment.

“Do your feet feel a little better?” Ashton asks, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“If you want to take a nap now, you can.”

Michael hums and seeks out Ashton’s other hand, tangling their fingers together sloppily. He’s tired, but he probably won’t drift off. He has all night for a power nap, and right now he doesn’t want to miss a second of his time with Ashton.

The door bangs shut behind them, and Michael doesn’t have a moment to reorient himself before Ashton is on him again, lips incessantly seeking his and body caging him against the wall. Michael’s own hands are already slipping under his shirt, desperate to feel the warm expanse of his back and pull him even closer. He’s always run cold, even before he was turned, but right now he feels like he’s burning up from the inside out, flames igniting with every point of contact between them. Ashton gets a hand in his hair and tugs, and Michael makes a noise he wasn’t expecting to come out of him.

Don’t drop your fangs, don’t drop your fangs, don’t drop your fangs, he repeats to himself. It’s typically effortless to keep his fangs retracted and unnoticable, but he hasn’t done this with someone he truly likes in a very, very long time. He can’t allow himself to get so mindlessly overwhelmed that they slip down.

Ashton detaches their lips to take a breath, and Michael takes the opportunity to trail kisses over his jawline and down the column of his throat. Ashton hums into it, the sound reverberating through his vocal chords, and Michael nips at his throat to turn the hum into a groan, sucking at it again to ease the sting.

There’s a particular feeling of satisfaction at leaning back briefly to take in his progress, knowing that the blood is pooling just under the surface of Ashton’s skin. When he returns to his ministrations with a slightly harsher bite, Ashton jolts, rocking into him.

“Fuck, Michael,” he breathes.

“What do you want to do tonight?” Michael asks between kisses, trailing over his collarbones now because Ashton never buttons his fucking shirts.

“Anything. Everything. I--” He’s cut off by another groan that dissolves into a breathless laugh. “You’re so fucking distracting; get back up here.”

He tugs on Michael’s hair again, guiding their mouths together. It’s easier than breathing to let Ashton take control, and Michael could stand here all night and let himself be kissed against the wall if there weren’t other things he wanted to be doing in the bedroom. Still, he whines when Ashton pulls away.

“I know you don’t sleep, and I’ll keep up as much as I can,” Ashton pants. “I can’t fucking wait to take you apart.”

“So do it,” Michael says, not able to care about how desperate he sounds. “No one’s stopping you.”

“You’re such a mouthy little shit,” he says, leaning back in for a kiss that Michael feels all the way down to his toes. They don’t part again until they’re in the bedroom and falling onto the mattress.

-/-

Afterwards, Michael watches, amused, as Ashton fights to keep his eyes open. They never turned on the lights, but Michael can see just fine with his vampire eyesight and the early rays of sunshine beginning to paint the sky outside in pinks and oranges.

“Just go to sleep,” Michael laughs, tracing another mindless pattern onto Ashton’s ribs. “We’re done. I can’t handle anything else.”

“Weird to sleep when you’re not,” he mumbles, eyes already slipping closed again. “Can feel you watching me.”

“I won’t watch you,” Michael says. “I’ll probably fall asleep right after.”

Ashton snorts halfheartedly. Michael rolls his eyes, then nudges Ashton onto his side and fits himself behind him. Ashton sighs and relaxes again almost immediately, a heavy weight at his front while Michael slides one arm under the pillow and anchors them together with the other. He gets a great view of Ashton’s sweaty and tangled hair, and that’s about it.

“There,” Michael murmurs. “Now I can’t watch you. Happy?”

Ashton hums. He’ll be out in less than a minute.

Regardless of all of Ashton’s jokes about Michael never sleeping (he resents that he looks tired enough at all times for that to be an assumption), Ashton managed to tire him out. He doesn’t need to sleep right now, but there’s no harm in it. He lets the steady push and pull of Ashton’s breathing and the heartbeat he can barely feel under his palm lull him, and he drifts off soon after.

“You want me to meet your family?” Michael asks, eyes wide in the face of this new information.

“If you’re comfortable with it,” Ashton says nonchalantly, but the way he’s avoiding Michael’s eyes tells him this conversation is anything but casual. He’s focused on throwing things into a blender, raspberries and peaches joining ice cubes and yogurt for a smoothie that Michael has watched him make dozens of times before. Michael can drink smoothies if they’re blended enough, and honestly he’s got a bit of a blood hunger going on because the last batch of his concoction from the magic store tasted gross and he’s supposed to go in today to get the new one. Still, a smoothie wouldn’t help with that, and he turned down Ashton’s offer in favor of a cup of coffee, wanting a warm mug in his hands. He’s glad to have something to keep his arms from flailing at this new curveball, in any case.

Ashton turns on the blender, the angry sound filling the previously-serene morning.

He can’t meet Ashton’s mum and siblings. He’s a vampire, and he’s already entirely too attached to Ashton as it is. It’s easy to fantasize about revealing his secret and Ashton being okay with it when it’s just the two of them, but there’s no way he can get to know his family only to break their heart when he has to leave Ashton for his own good.

Michael can’t watch Ashton grow old without him. He could do it for a few years, maybe a few decades, and he wants to spend as much time with him as possible, but eventually it would get too hard. Michael’s good at running, and he’s good at being alone. It’s harder to do both of those things with a family involved.

“That’s a big step,” Michael says once the blender stops.

“I’ve met Calum, and you said he’s closer than your family.”

“Against my will!”

Calum had insisted on meeting “the guy who’s got you wrapped around his finger,” and Michael had been powerless to stop it. They get on like a house fire and Michael gets teased about five times more than he used to, but he secretly loves it. Calum and Ashton are by far the two people he loves most in the world, and it’s nice to see them also enjoy each other.

“Michael,” Ashton says, pouring his smoothie into a glass and still refusing to look at him, something unfamiliar in his expression, “I’ve never gone this long without introducing them to someone I’m serious about. They really want to meet you.”

“I--I want to meet them, too, but…”

Ashton sighs and finally faces him head-on. Michael has never felt this small.

“Are you serious about us?”

“Of course,” he says, but it comes out more like a question, and he watches something shutter in Ashton’s eyes. He turns back to the blender, starting to dismantle it so he can rinse it properly, always trying to keep the kitchen neat, and Michael knows that he has to say something to try to fix this, anything to stop the sad slope of Ashton’s shoulders and that hurt look in his eyes.

“Ash, I have to tell you something,” he says before he can think twice. Ashton hums, and Michael steels himself for whatever reaction is about to occur, whether he has to bolt for the door or not. “I--um, well, I…”

He hasn’t had to confess to someone in over forty years. He doesn’t know how to do it anymore. He swallows and tries again.

“I don’t really know how to say this, but… I mean, I--”

“Shit,” Ashton exclaims, something clattering in the sink.

“What’s wrong?” Michael asks, and a second later the metallic tang of blood reaches his nose.

“Cut my thumb on the blender blades,” Ashton says, turning around and sticking the pad of his thumb in his mouth. Michael stares at him, unable to move.

The thing is, Ashton’s blood smells really good. He knew it would, because if he loves everything else about Ashton it makes sense that he would love him down to the blood in his veins and the DNA it carries, but this is the first time Ashton has split skin in his vicinity, and it’s more to handle than Michael thought it would be. He’s hungry, and he’s upset, and Ashton is right there in front of him, bleeding.

He shakes himself from that train of thought.

“Are you alright? How bad is it?” he asks. Ashton takes his thumb out of his mouth to check, and that just makes the smell intensify. Michael feels a bit of saliva pool in his mouth and swallows it back.

“It’s not too bad,” Ashton says. “It mostly just hurts, but once the bleeding lessens I’ll put a bandaid on it and it should be fine.”

He goes to put it back in his mouth and glances up at Michael, freezing at whatever he sees there. Michael doesn’t know what his face is doing, or why his posture feels so stiff, or what the fuck he’s supposed to do with Ashton just standing there with a bleeding thumb, and for a long moment they just stare at each other. Michael forgets to breathe.

Slowly, like he’s coaxing a startled animal towards him, Ashton reaches out his hand towards Micheal. A drop of blood drips off his thumb and onto the floor. Michael couldn’t move even if he wanted to.

“You know,” Ashton says, low and calm, “you could help me stop the bleeding, if you wanted.”

Michael stares at him, not comprehending the words, when he feels two pinpricks on the inside of his bottom lip.

His fangs dropped.

“I have to go,” he says, scrambling out of his seat and hastily putting his coffee on the table. He probably spills some, but he can’t look back to check, shoving on his shoes and sprinting out the door, Ashton’s questions echoing behind him.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.

He’s scrambling for his phone as he tries to unlock his car, tears starting to cloud his vision with the panic. He presses Calum’s speed dial as soon as he gets the door open, tearing out of the parking space without putting on his seatbelt.

“Hello?” Calum finally answers.

“My fangs dropped,” he says, consonants coming out in that strange way they do when his mouth has more teeth than usual.

“What happened?” Calum asks immediately. He knows how serious something like this can be, especially for someone like Michael, who tries so hard to avoid it. He sniffles and blinks the tears out of his eyes so he can see the road better. Calum’s house is close, and he just needs to get a few more blocks before he has backup.

“I was with Ashton and he cut himself on a blender. I--we had a fight, or--I made him feel bad, in any case, and I haven’t eaten enough, and then he cut himself and I felt the fangs and ran out of there with no explanation. He’s going to hate me. I’ve ruined everything!”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Calum says, but it’s not like Ashton is his boyfriend. Michael doesn’t know how to recover from something like this.

Calum tries to console him for the rest of the short car ride, stopping once Michael pulls into his driveway to turn an assessing gaze on him instead. His expression tells Michael that he’s leaving much to be desired right now.

“Alright, Mikey. Let’s get you out of the sun, yeah? We’ll figure this out.”

He holds out his arms, and Michael falls right into them, letting Calum lead him into the house. His fangs still prick at his lips, a sharp reminder of everything he ruined due to one second of lousy control.

The bell to the magic shop digs as they enter, and Michael pulls down his sunglasses. Calum got him to stop crying and gave him a bit of his own leftover concoction, because he hadn’t drunk all of it due to the taste, either. It was enough for Michael to be able to get his fangs back under control, but it doesn’t stop how miserable he feels about the way he left, or the conversation they were having beforehand.

He can’t let himself be around Ashton if his fangs are going to drop like that. He would never hurt him, he knows that, but there’s still the potential that he can’t ignore. Ashton’s safety and comfort isn’t something he can risk. Even if Ashton was somehow okay with him being a vampire, they wouldn’t work.

Michael has known this since the beginning. He let himself fall in love, anyway.

There are three missed calls and over a dozen text messages that he still has to try to answer on his phone. There’s no way to do that without breaking both of their hearts, but Calum told Ashton that Michael is physically okay and that he’d talk to him tomorrow. For now, he needs to sort through his own feelings and calm down, and for that they need to pick up the weekly blood supply.

“Hi!” the witch at the counter says. His name is Luke, and Calum’s been flirting with him ever since he started working there. It would be cute if it didn’t make these excursions so tedious, and if Michael himself wasn’t currently mourning what is soon to be the end of an absolutely spectacular relationship.

“Our usual, please,” he says curtly. Luke glances between him and Calum, who gives a beaming smile, then heads to the back storage room.

“Maybe it’ll taste less like shit this time,” he mutters. Calum nudges him, but doesn’t get the chance to say anything before the bell over the door chimes again. Michael knows who it is before he turns around, the scent and rhythm of his heartbeat as familiar to him as the back of his own hand.

Ashton freezes in the doorway. He has changed into a sweatshirt, the one he wears when he’s having a bad day because it feels like a perpetual hug without having to be touched, and Michael is probably going to cry again. Out of the three of them, Calum pulls himself together first.

“Hello, Ashton. I didn’t know you frequented this shop.”

“Ashton!” Luke says, returning from the back with their order in a crate. “Did you bring it?”

Michael finally notices the tupperware in his hands when he hands it to Luke, who opens a corner and sniffs.

“You know each other?” Michael asks.

“Oh, sorry!” Luke says. “This is Ashton, my roommate. I’d never eat lunch if he wasn’t there to bring it to me.”

“You’re the roommate?” Michael asks. In all of their months of dating, he never managed to meet the roommate, even though Ashton has known Calum for weeks. Weird schedules and Michael’s aversion to meeting and possibly getting attached to more people prevented it. Luke looks between Michael, Calum, and Ashton, and then a lightbulb hits.

“You’re Ashton’s Michael!”

“How many other vampires named Michael do you know?” Ashton asks, and Michael reels back, Calum’s hand on his spine the only thing keeping him upright.

“You know?” Ashton frowns.

“Michael, I’ve known since the first day I met you.”

“Wh--you never mentioned it!”

“I made some references, then figured it wasn’t something you were comfortable talking about.”

“Wait,” Luke says. “You know Ashton is a minor deity, right?”

“What? ”

Michael turns desperately to Calum, because none of this makes sense, but Calum is having some sort of silent conversation with Luke.

“You two need to talk,” he says eventually.

“I need to show Calum something in the back, anyway,” Luke says, grabbing Calum’s sleeve and tugging him around the counter, shutting the door to the storeroom behind them. It’s not the slickest move that Michael’s ever seen, but he’s having a crisis and can’t be bothered to laugh at Luke for it.

“So,” Ashton says. “It seems there’s been a bit of miscommunication here.”

“You’re a deity?” Michael asks. Ashton starts to blush, which is cute. He clasps his hands together and nods once.

“Yeah, my entire family is. The religion died down centuries ago, so it’s mostly our belief in each other that’s keeping us alive. I’m basically just an immortal human now, but I’ve been around long enough to recognize other non-humans when I see them.”

“And you’ve known I was a vampire the entire time?” he asks. Ashton nods. “Oh.”

“I thought that you knew that I knew,” he says.

“I didn’t,” Michael says. “I thought you would hate me when you found out.”

“I could never hate you,” Ashton says, taking a step forward and reaching for him before he aborts the movement. Michael looks at his feet and wonders if what he says next will change that.

“My fangs dropped earlier, when you cut your thumb.” His voice is steadier than anticipated, but he can’t help but brace himself for Ashton to back away or run screaming. He doesn’t do either of those.

“Is that why you left so quickly?”

He nods, shame pooling in his stomach.

“I was offering, you know? I wouldn’t have minded if you had a taste.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time,” Michael says, focusing on the shame so he doesn’t do something horrible like start thinking about what it would really be like to have some of Ashton’s blood. “I just… lost control. I can’t do that. I won’t let myself.”

“I think you’re being a little hard on yourself,” Ashton says gently, stepping closer until he can put his hands on Michael’s arms, then sliding down to grasp his hands. “Can you look at me?” Michael tries, then shakes his head. “That’s okay, and your fangs dropping earlier is okay, too. You had a lot on your mind, were probably a little hungry, and I was waving my bloody finger under your nose, even if you didn’t recognize it as an invitation. What’s important is that you didn’t try anything without asking. You didn’t hurt me; you removed yourself from the situation. I would say that that’s keeping things pretty under control, wouldn’t you?”

“But I could’ve hurt you, even if I didn’t.”

“Michael, you’re not a mindless beast,” Ashton says. “The fact that you’re this upset about your body’s natural physical reaction shows that. You’re not going to do anything to hurt someone else like that. You have to trust yourself.”

Michael wrinkles his nose, then finally makes himself meet Ashton’s eyes. There’s nothing but compassion there, no fear or disgust.

“You’re not going to hurt anyone,” Ashton repeats.

“I’m not going to hurt anyone,” Michael agrees. “I can trust myself with that.”

A grin breaks out on Ashton’s face.

“Good,” he says. “I trust you, too.”

“And, about meeting your family,” Michael starts.

“Don’t worry about that,” Ashton says. “I was a little pushy. We can talk about it and figure out something that works for both of us.”

“I was going to say that I’ll do it,” Michael says. “Half of my worry had to do with me being a vampire and you and your family being unsuspecting humans, but that’s not an issue anymore.”

“What about the other half?”

“Just normal meeting-the-family jitters,” he says. “They’re really important to you, and I don’t want them to hate me because I didn’t meet them earlier.”

“They won’t hate you,” Ashton says. “You’re a delight.”

“I hope they share that thought.”

“They will. I love you, so they will, too.”

Michael feels like he’s going to burst. He also feels menally exhausted from this entire affair and the emotional whiplash it’s giving him.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks. Ashton answers by leaning forward, and Michael sinks against him, melting into the feeling.

“So,” Calum says loudly, startling them both. “Are you guys good now?”

“What do you think?” he snips.

“I don’t know, Luke,” Calum says, turning away from Michael and towards him. “Do you think that they’re good now?”

“They did look rather cosy,” Luke says. “In fact, I’d say that Ashton looked ready to pledge himself to Michael as his personal blood bank. His little ketchup packet, if you will.”

Calum bursts out laughing. Michael tries to be affronted, but Ashton starts laughing incredulously next to him.

“Ketchup packet? Is that what I’m reduced to?”

“There are worse titles,” Calum says between bouts of laughter. Luke looks ridiculously pleased at this development.

“Please never refer to him as my ketchup packet again,” Michael says. “I’m begging you not to.”

“If the fangs fit,” Luke says, which makes Calum dissolve into laughter again. It’s not even funny. Honestly, they deserve each other.

“Come on,” Ashton says. “Let’s go back to my place. I want to hear all about your vampire antics from the olden days, now that I know you’re okay with talking about it.”

“Only if I get to hear stories about being a minor deity,” Michael says, grabbing his part of the blood order. “Cal, you’re paying for this one!”

They’re out the door before Calum can protest, and Ashton puts an arm around his waist as they walk. It’s uncomfortably sunny out, but Michael feels no rush to get back inside. They’re both immortal, and they’ve got the rest of their lives.

#5soshalloweenevent2020 #my writing #mashton #5sos fic #this was super fun #I had a great time tbh #I like being forced to write au fics because I do so many canon-verse ones #disclaimer there is a joke at the end that I felt compelled to include #due to it being so ridiculous #but it is ainslee who originally said it. I cannot take credit :)

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willddheartt · 4 years

Text

Babylon: Neon Lights | C.H. Chapter Five: Better Man

DISCLAIMER: SOME PARTS MIGHT BE R RATED !! Series warnings: Substances (alcohol & cigarettes), Anger (snappy comments).

Series Masterlist

August 12th I haven't talked to Calum since the other night, I’ve been talking to the other more, and tonight I was joining them at Michaels for Wednesday night dinner. I felt kind of bad for leaving Calum hanging the other morning. My original plan was to text him in the afternoon, like I did my other night stands, but the only problem in that plan was I didn't have his number. Where I assumed nobody else knew about our little rendezvous, it wasn’t like he could give Violet a message for me. I knew he would be at Mikey’s tonight, a part of me was scared that things would go back to how they were before, but the other art of me was also scared of how he would react to me leaving him hanging.

Just like every Wednesday, almost like clockwork, right after work Violet and I headed to Michaels. For the first time, ever, Violet and I were not the last two to arrive. We were waiting on Luke and Calum. I was greeted with ‘missed you’s from Ashton and Michael, alone with two very tight hugs. Michael and Ashton brought the food out to the table area where I sat on the wicker couch, in the corner like last time. “They’re late so let's dig in.” Michael said, sitting down opening the take out Chinese containers in front of us. I nodded, following suit with Michael.

“Hey, Ro,” Ashton started, pausing to swallow the food in his mouth, “Doesn’t Calum have the same shirt?” He asked Michael and Violet’s eyes glued themselves to the white and red t-shirt I had on. It was the shirt Calum wore last Friday, I slipped it on before going to sleep and didn’t take it off in the morning, when I left. I didn’t even think about wearing it today. I nodded, uncomfortably, feeling my ears and cheeks heat up, “Yeah, I guess I've seen him wear one like this a few times,” I shrugged, “If I would have known I wouldn't have bought it.”

“You started without us,” Luke said, drawing the attention off me and Calum’s shirt to the side of the house where Calum and Luke were walking across the lawn. I locked eyes with Calum as they approached, he had a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth, a smirk that said he was up to no good. My stomach twisted, and I had almost lost my appetite, but continued eating as the boys sat down. Luke claimed the other corner of the couch, leaving Calum squashed against me, once again.

“Calum, I was just saying to Rossa, that shirt. Don't you have the same one?” Ashton asked, pointing his fork in my direction. Calum looked down at the shirt and nodded, “Yeah, I guess we shop at the same place,” He shrugged, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. This time sitting on the small couch was easier, but still not bearable. At least there was no bickering this time. By the time drinks got pulled out this time I escaped to the side of the house for a cigarette. A much needed cigarette.

Sitting on the ground I burnt a few pieces of grass with my lighter, letting the nicotine craving be soothed by taking a long drag from the cancer stick I held between my fingers. This time when Calum came to smoke next to me, his presence wasn’t startling, just harder to ignore, not that I really wanted to.

“When did you leave?” He asked, breaking the silence “The morning, you weren't up.” I said, looking over my shoulder and up at him. Calum nodded. “Did you not want to see me in the morning or were you late for something?” He asked “Which is worse?”

“The truth would be best,” Calums voice was low, even though it was hard to hear conversations from the side of the house it sounded like he still wanted to keep all talk about Friday to a hush. I stood up, so I wouldn't have to look up to look him in the face as I talked anymore. “It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, I just never know what to say in the mornings. That's why I didn't stay,” I admitted “Well do you regret it?” He asked, flicking the ashes from his cigarette to the ground. I shook my head, “No. Do you?” Calum shook his head this time. I smiled, “Good,” “So we sleep together once and you steal my clothes?” Calum smirked, tugging at the bottom of the t-shirt “Don’t think of it as stealing, think, I borrowed it without letting you know.” Finishing off my cigarette I dropped it to the ground and stepped on the butt of mine and Calums. “It looks good on you.” “I know,”

“C’mon,” I pulled Calum from the side of the house, walking backwards until I came to the grass not covered in rock, then turning around to face the group. “Oh shit, I forgot,” Calum said, I turned back to him walking backwards again. “You left these,” He pulled out a piece of balled up red lace and tossed it to me. In the air the ball unfolded, revealing the lacy panties I had on last Friday. I stopped in my tracks and shoved the material into the back pocket of my shorts. My hands came up to hide my face, staying back to the group. Michael started laughing when he connected the dots while the others were either still figuring it out or were too shocked to react.

Calum stood close, trying to pry my hands off my face, but going to pull me into his chest when we realized I wouldn't budge. “What the holy hell?” Violet breathed, making everyone laugh. I let go of my face and ended up wrapping my arms around Calum as he walked up back to the couch.

I pulled out of Calum and sat back in the corner “Do you care to explain Rossa?” Violet asked, when I finally looked at her. “Not really,” I said, feeling everyone eyes on me as Calum threw his arm around my shoulders. “I'm not talking about that, but what happened? Like are you guys good now?” Michael asked I shrugged, looking at Calum, who nodded. “I guess, I mean yeah?” He looked at me “If you don’t swap and go back to being angry, then yeah.” I nodded “Great!” Michael yelled and Ashton cheered.

I lit one last cigarette, waiting for my uber to arrive to take me home. Violet left almost two hours ago because she has an early shift tomorrow, and for the first time I wanted to stay longer than she did. Standing on the side of the house that was getting to be littered with cigarette butts from my chain smoking.

“Hey,” Calum spoke as he walked up behind me “Hi,” I said, not looking up from my phone, checking to see where my Uber was. “Are you mad at me again?” He asked, trying not to laugh at the earlier actions. “Not mad, embarrassed.” I said putting my phone away “Aw, I’m sorry,” Calum fake pouted as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I laughed as let my arms snake around his neck “Oh yeah, you really look it,” “Let me take you home, and make up for it,” “I appreciate the offer Cal, but my Uber is almost here.” He pouted. “Next time.” I giggled “Next time,” Calum repeated, pressing our lips together as the car pulled up.

I pulled away, “That's me.” looking over my shoulder at the white car that pulled up I held up my finger to signal ‘one minute’. As I dropped my hand from his neck I quickly grabbed his phone from his back pocket, stepping back and putting my number in a new contact. “Don’t be a stranger, Hood. Text me, you have my number.” I winker, handing him his phone and taking a step back initiating the walk to the uber at the curb. Once inside the white car I rolled down the window and twinkled my fingers at him, waving as the lady driver pulled off.

“Boyfriend?” She asked I shook my head, “Not really sure what he is,” “He's cute,” She commented. I nodded. “That he is.”

Almost immediately after I walked in the door Violet was ambushing me with questions at rapid fire.

“Why the sudden change with Calum?” “When did this happen?” “I thought you hated each other,” “Did you sleep together?” “Was he good?”

“Calm down Violet,” I laughed, slipping my shoes off “Answer the questions,” She crossed her arms “I wont answer all of them but ask, one at a time and we’ll see”

“What happened with you and Calum? I thought you hated each other.” Violet followed me to the kitchen I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and turned to her, shrugging, “I blew off birthday plans with him when we first met and forgot all about it, and he didn’t tell me what happened.” I waited for her next question. “When?” “Last Friday. I went to the club to try and get my mind off how I wasn’t around because of the fight Calum and I had at Ashton’s birthday.” “Did you sleep together?” She asked, “And was he good?” I laughed at her questions, “I think I’d like to keep those details to myself, but yeah, we did.” with that I walked off to my room

“Wait, Ro, you can’t say you slept with him and then not say anything about it!” She yelled after me “There are one of two things that happens when a lady sleeps with a man as fine as our friend Calum Hood. Either A, he's really good and she brags about it to all of her friends or B, he sucked and they regret it. So what is it?” She asked, stepping in the way of me closing my door. “It was none of your business, but I don’t regret it.” Violet sighed and left my room, knowing she wasn't getting anymore than what I already gave her.

I shut and locked my door behind her, and laid down on my bed, turning on my tv getting ready for my night long Netflix marathon. “Wait!” She yelled from the hallway, “Did he give you those hickies!” I laughed, hearing another sigh when I didn’t answer.

I turned off all the bright lights in my room, letting the television be the only source of light as I got comfortable in my bed. Just as I was going to put my phone on Do Not Disturb and plug it into charge it vibrated in my hand.

Calum: Hey stranger Rossa: Hey

I smiled as I pressed send, keeping the ringer of my phone on as I plugged it in and set it beside me as opposed to where I was going to set it on my bedside table

Calum: Kind of making up for lost time, Whats up? Rossa: Same old, same old. Netflix and a comfy shirt. You? Calum: What shirt?

I laughed at his text, responding out loud “Your shirt dummy,” But playing along with his game, I snapped a downward photo of the shirt, leaving my bare legs in purposefully, and sent him the photo.

Calum: You look better without it. Rossa: omg, you’re such a dude.

The night went on and Calum and I continued to text until 2 AM. Our conversations ranged from things we missed with the other while we were angry, to philosophical late night thoughts that really extended my view on Calums character. He wasn’t just another pretty face. The man was almost as deep as the Marianas trench, even though the topics we brought up were deep, I knew I hadn’t seen just exactly how deep Calum was yet, but it would come in time. In a way he was like a mysterious drug, and I was hopelessly addicted.

#Calum Hood #Ashton Irwin #Luke Hemmings #Michael Clifford #5SOS #5 Seconds of Summer #calum hood imagine #Ashton irwin imagine #Luke hemmings imagine #Michael clifford imagine #5sos imagine #5 seconds of summer imagine

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calumance · 4 years

Text

LA Devotee - Part XVI

Warnings: cussing, angst, lil bit of punching, fighting

Word Count: 4k

Summary: With Calum gone, Emily and Calum can’t seem to ever be on the same wave length, and then he shows up.

A/N: This is horribly angsty, but every good story needs a good angsty chapter. 💕💕 Happy reading!!!! Feedback and requests are always welcomed!!! (Want to know when I post new stuff? Let me know!)

Masterlist

It’s been three whole weeks since Calum has been gone. Three whole weeks of us Face Timing every night, texting throughout the day, and telling each other how much we miss each other. Today I woke up feeling extra tired, and extra annoyed that Calum still wasn’t here to wake up next to me. After a quick shower, I pulled my hair that still held it’s curl from the day before into a messy pony tail, and pulled on a black maxi dress, a jean jacket, and a pair of black sandals. It was supposed to be hot today, which made the dress practical, but it also felt nice to wear a dress every once in a while.

Work was the same as it was every day, the only thing that made up for it was Calum posting a picture of us from a few days before he left and captioned it with “Missing this one extra hard today.” A smile stretched across my lips as I used my pointer finger to double tap the image and then used my thumbs to type out a comment: “Missing you extra, extra hard.” For a second, I contemplated not putting a heart, but just before I hit send, I put a heart.

Just as Mikayla and I parted ways in the parking garage, my phone rang, the picture on my screen telling me it was Calum. I shut my car door and answered, the call being transferred to handsfree mode. “Hello, my darling.” I greeted Calum as I twisted awkwardly to start pulling out of my parking space.

He sighed, “Hey, love.” He sounded like he was frustrated. My stomach twisted, he never sounded like this when he talks to me.

My eyebrows furrowed, “Is everything okay?” The engine roared as I pulled out onto the main road. I readjusted my grip on the steering wheel, nervous that he was, for some reason, frustrated with me.

“Yeah, I just haven’t been sleeping well the past couple of nights. How was your day?” Luke was singing in the background and even through the phone, I could sense Calum’s irritation.

“It was okay. Why haven’t you been getting sleep?” My eyes focused on the road, but my mind focused on wishing I could be with him. I miss running my hands through his thick hair, I miss him wrapping his arms around me in the middle of the night to pull me closer. I miss the feeling of his lips on mine in the morning, apologizing that he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet. I miss laying by the pool, his head on my chest as the sun beat down on both of us. This was harder than I thought it would be.

Luke continued to sing behind him until suddenly a door slammed shut. “I’m just missing you really bad lately. I wish you could come visit me, did you ask about how much time you could take off?” There was a slight echo behind him, like he was standing in a bathroom.

I hadn’t gotten the chance to ask about my time off yet, we’ve been quite busy the past few days. Every chance I thought I had to get up and ask my boss, something else was slapped onto my desk. I rubbed my forehead in frustration and sighed, “I’m sorry, Calum. I haven’t had the chance to talk to my boss, it’s been so busy. I can ask her tomorrow, I promise.”

He sighed, this time it was obvious the irritation was towards me. My heart stopped and I looked at the radio to see if the call was still going. “Okay. I have to go, I’ll talk to you later.” I didn’t even get another word in before he hung up. The tears welled up in my eyes, if there was anyone who wanted me to visit him more than he did, it was me, but it’s not my fault that work sometimes has to come first. I slammed my hand on the steering wheel, a scream building in my chest.

As I pulled into the driveway, I wiped a few tears off my face. As I climbed out of my car, I reached into my bag to find the keys to the house. When I looked up, my bad day got one hundred times worse. Nathan was leaning against the front door, the stupid tooth pick he always had hanging out of his mouth. I stopped dead in my tracks, I absolutely did not need this today. “What the fuck are you doing here, Nathan? How did you even find out where I live?”

Nathan pushed himself off the door and took the steps towards me to close the space between us. “I have connections. So, this is your house? You bought this?”

I ran my hand over my hair and lowered my hand, slapping it against my thigh. “No, I didn’t buy this house. How the hell did you find this address?” There was no way I was going to leave the spot I was standing in until I knew he was gone. I knew that if I tried to get myself inside and lock the door, Nathan would push his way in, and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. Nathan smirked and rolled the toothpick in his mouth as he got closer to me. After the day I had, the thought of punching him became a lot more prominent. “Listen, motherfucker, It’s been almost six months since our divorce was finalized and you have spent more time showing up in Los Angeles to see what’s going on in my life, than you’ve spent on your own life.” I chuckled a sarcastic chuckle, “If you’d spent this much attention on me when we were married, maybe it wouldn’t have ended.” I shrugged and crossed my arms, standing my ground.

Nathan’s stupid smirk wiped off his face. He didn’t have much to say back, but he looked around me. “So where’s your perfect boyfriend at, anyway?”

“He’s not home.” I spat back at him.

He took the toothpick out of his mouth and got uncomfortably close to me, “Well, since he’s not home, maybe we could go inside, and,” He looked me up and down, causing my skin to boil, “Try to make up, or something.”

I pushed him away from me as hard as I possibly could, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Get the fuck away from me, I will literally call the cops on you.” The tears started to well in my eyes from anger. My keys finding their ways between my fingers in defense. Not wanting Nathan to get the satisfaction of seeing me cry, I swallowed the tears and started to pull out my phone.

“Oh, you’re going to call the cops on me. I’m so scared.” He mocked me and it caused the anger and all of the shit that I’ve had to deal with today to boil over. In one swift motion, I balled my fist and connected to his face. He fell backwards and held his face.

I shook out my hand and readjusted the bag on my shoulder. “Get off this property, never fucking show your face in around me or anyone I know ever again, or I will call the cops and get a restraining order.” Nathan let go of his face and pushed himself off the ground. He got close to me but I stood my ground. With a shake of his head, he walked away. As soon as he rounded the corner, the tears started to resurface. My hands were shaking as I found the key to open the front door. As soon as I shut and locked the door behind me, I slid to the ground, placing my face in my hands and cried.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there crying for, but it was long enough that it was now dark outside. I pulled my phone out of my bag and saw a text message from Calum. My stomach turned and I dropped my phone before pushing myself up and making my way to the kitchen. After I finished eating dinner, I started to walk into the living room. My eye caught sight of my phone still laying on the ground by the front door. I ran my hand back over my hair and made my way over to my phone, picking it up and looking at the screen. There was a single missed call from Calum and the unread text message from a while ago. I unlocked my phone and read the message: “I’m sorry I acted like such a jerk. I’m going to go to bed early tonight. I’m sorry if I upset you, just remember that you mean the world to me. Xx Cal.” Knowing that the missed call was probably his goodnight call, I typed a message back to him: “It’s fine, you mean the world to me too. I hope you get some sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow. Xx”

After I fed Duke, I walked to the bedroom and changed into some pajamas and sat on the end of the bed. I ran my hands over my face then walked into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. By the time I was ready for bed, Duke had jumped onto the bed and made himself comfortable. Before I joined him, I walked around the house making sure all of the lights were off and all of the doors were locked. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I started crying again, crying myself to sleep.

I woke up before my alarm, and instead of going back to sleep, I just got up. Duke and I made our way into the kitchen and he immediately walked to the back door. After I let him outside, I grabbed some food and made a quick breakfast. Duke followed me into the bathroom and laid on the bathmat as I showered, he was missing Calum just as much as I was. I wore another dress to work, not really feeling like trying to put together an actual outfit. When I sat down at my desk, I dropped my head into my hands. “Is everything okay, Emily?”

“Nathan showed up at Calum’s last night. He said he got the address because he has ‘connections.’ I punched him, like I actually punched him. He tried to get me to have sex with him.” I dropped my hands, the tears beginning to well in my eyes. My eyes found their way to the ceiling to try to hold them back.

Mikayla’s eyes grew wide, “Jesus, have you told Calum?”

I laughed and let a few tears fall. “No, because I don’t want to worry him with that kind of stuff. I can handle it, I mean, I did handle it. He hasn’t been sleeping and I just don’t want to bother him.” I shrugged and turned to see if my boss was in her office yet. Before I got too busy I pushed myself out of my chair and walked towards her office, knocking lightly on the open door. She lifted her eyes from her computer, over the top of her glasses. “I’m sorry to bother you, but is there any way you could tell me how much vacation time I have? My boyfriend is going to be out of town for a while and I’d like to go visit him.” I interlaced my fingers in front of me, always being nervous to talk to her. She was nice and all, but I’ve seen what happens when people get on her bad side.

She leaned back and took her glasses off, “You’re the one who is with that musician boy, right?” I nodded, running my hand up and down my arm. “Someone had mentioned it, but I wasn’t sure who they were talking about. Let me look for you, you can take a seat while I look.” I thanked her and sat in the chair closest to the door. She typed and clicked her mouse a few times and then she hummed. “It looks like you have five days, but that’s all you’ll have until the beginning of the year. However, you have a couple of sick days you could use if you need more time.” She took her glasses off and smiled at me.

I stood and smoothed down my dress. “Thank you, I will let you know what we decide.” I dipped out of her office and sat at my desk. Every couple of minutes, I would check my phone to see if Calum had sent me a text, but I didn’t get one until lunch time. “We have a day off today, so I slept in and finally got some sleep. Please call me when you get home, I want to apologize for how I acted yesterday, Xx Cal.” As much as I wanted to respond to him, I didn’t. Everything has been just shit for a day and a half, and I just needed some time to breathe.

When I locked the door behind me, I tapped Calum’s name and pressed the speaker to my ear. The dial tone sounded as I walked toward the back door and opened it. Duke went running out and I followed behind him, sitting in a wicker chair by the pool. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wedged my free arm between my thighs and my stomach. Just as I was about to give up on the phone call, Calum answered. “Hey, sunshine. Sorry, I fell asleep with my phone on the bed and it fell and I couldn’t get to it. How was your day?”

“Better than yesterday. My boss says I have five vacation days and a couple of sick days until the end of the year. I told her I’d let her know what we decide.” I lowered my head, still upset about how we ended our conversation yesterday, and the fact that Nathan showed up.

“That’s great! I’ll look tomorrow when the best time for you to come visit will be and then we can get everything booked.” He paused, but then continued. “I can’t wait to see you, I miss you so much.” His voice sounded like he was smiling.

I lifted my arm and ran my fingers over my lips. “I miss you too, honey.” I sighed and ran my fingers over my brow ridge, “I need to tell you something.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him about Nathan showing up here, but this is his house, he deserves to know. Also, Calum had told me that I could tell him anything. I closed my eyes and put my hand over my eyes. “Nathan showed up here yesterday. I don’t know how he found your address, all he said was he has connections. He tried to get me to have sex with him, so I punched him and threatened to call the cops. I think I should get a restraining order.” The other end of the line was silent. I pulled the phone away from my ear to make sure the call didn’t drop. After the call screen showed it still counting the time we were talking, I placed the speaker back to my ear. “Are you still there?”

“Why didn’t you tell me, Emily?” He voice was low, like it had been yesterday when he hung up on me. My heart skipped a beat, the fear that this was the exact reaction he was going to have suddenly becoming reality.

The words got caught in my throat as the tears started to form. “I didn’t want to bother you with this. I handled it, what were you supposed to do from New York?” I didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did, but the words came out harsh.

“You didn’t want to bother me?” His voice got louder, and the tears started to fall. “Emily, when are you going to learn that I am a part of your life now? When are you going to learn that I will do anything to protect you and be there for you. I had the day off, I could’ve come home and made sure you were safe. My god, Emily, when are you going to learn to be less selfish?”

That struck a chord with me. Nathan always said shit to me like that, even when I spent hours upon hours doing things for him. I stood up out of the chair, the tears stinging as they rolled down my cheek. “Selfish? How was I being selfish when I was trying to keep my shit show of a life out of your career so you could rest? How was I being selfish when I was literally only thinking about you?” I was yelling now, my chest hurting from my heart beating so fast.

“Because your shit show of a life is now my shit show of a life, Emily, just like how my life is now your life.” He yelled back at me, which I deserved, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “Fucking hell, Emily, when are you going to learn that I actually care about you and our relationship?” His lowered his voice to say that, but it still wasn’t in a good way. There was an underlying tone of annoyance and anger. I had nothing to say to him, I knew he cared about me, I knew he cared about our relationship, but I’m so damaged. “I can’t talk to you right now. Goodnight, Emily.” The phone beeped in my ear telling me the call had ended. My face burned as the tears continuously flowed down my cheeks. I held onto my phone as tightly as I could, resisting the urge to throw it across the yard or into the pool.

Duke was standing at the back door, and I slid it open to let him and myself inside. Duke ran to the couch and wagged his tail, but TV wasn’t how I was feeling. I locked the back door behind me and then walked to the front door to make sure it was locked. My phone was still grasped in my hand until I made it to the bedroom where I tossed it onto the bed before crawling under the covers and closing my eyes, hoping sleep would carry me to tomorrow.

The only reason I slept was because of the crying. If my body hadn’t been so tired from crying, I would’ve stared at the ceiling all night long. My body ached, my heart ached, everything just hurt. I sat up on the bed and ran my hands through my hair, the thought of calling in to work passing through my head. The thought quickly passed as I threw the comforter off my legs and made my way into the bathroom. Today was another leggings and oversized sweater day, and instead of making coffee, I stopped at Starbucks.

My desk chair squeaked as I sat in it and turned my computer on. Mikayla looked at me over her computer. We met eyes and I just shook my head, putting my headphones in. That’s how the whole day went. Every time Mikayla’s eyes would meet mine, I would shake my head. When it was time for lunch, I shook my head, and continued to work. Mikayla brought a salad back from the café for me, and as hungry as I was, I shook my head and left it where it sat. It must’ve been eating away at Mikayla because she abruptly stood up from her desk, walked over to mine and pulled my headphone out of my ear. “I have never seen you like this. What is going on?” Again, I just shook my head. “Emily, what is wrong? You look like you got ran over by a train.”

I raised my eyebrows and mumbled, “Feel like it too.”

“Are you going to talk to me about it?” I shook my head, still not taking my eyes off my work. “Okay, fine. Just, eat something. Don’t starve yourself.” She walked away from my desk, and sat at hers, obviously frustrated. I eyed the salad she had left on my desk and slowly popped the top off and poured the dressing over the top. As I worked, I slowly ate the salad, and slowly felt the hunger cloud disappear. Although that cloud had disappeared, the black cloud of hurt still lingered.

At the end of the day, I headed straight for my car. All I wanted to do was go home, and drink alone until I passed out. Just as I reached my car, Mikayla’s voice sounded behind me, “Emily, wait.” I turned around and looked at her without any expression. “Can we talk, before you go home? I’m really worried about you. We can talk in your car.” As much as I wanted to say no, the need of wanting this hurt to go away took over. So, I nodded and she climbed in the passenger side. I pressed the start/stop button so that only the radio turned on. Mikayla’s eyes burned a hole in the side of my head, and as I thought about what to say first, the tears sat on the brim of my eyes.

The first time I tried to speak, nothing came out. I placed my finger over my lips and lifted my elbow to the edge of the window, looking out the window and allowing the tears to fall. After a couple more breaths, it finally came out. “I told Calum about Nathan showing up. He asked me why I didn’t tell him, and I told him it was because I didn’t want to bother him. Calum proceeded to get incredibly angry because if he had known, he would’ve taken his day off to fly home and be with me. I told him that wasn’t necessary because I didn’t want him getting mixed up in my shit show life.” I dropped my arm from the window and looked at my hands, which were trembling. I cleared my throat and continued. “He told me that I was selfish because when we decided to be in a relationship, it meant that his life was my life, and my life was his life. After that he said he couldn’t talk to me, and I haven’t talked to him since.”

I hadn’t noticed until I was done talking that Mikayla had her hand wrapped around my arm. When I looked at her, her eyes were soft, her face felt the same pain I was feeling. “Emily, I’m so sorry. Can I tell you what I’m thinking?” I nodded. Everything she says to me always makes me feel better. Since the day we met, and she wedged her way into my life, moments like this she just knew what to say. “Calum’s right.” My eyes narrowed and my eyebrows furrowed. “Hold on, let me keep going before you get mad at me. He’s right that when you two decided to be in a relationship that his life became yours and your life became his. That’s actually how relationships work. However, I don’t think he handled it correctly. Instead of saying he couldn’t talk to you, he should’ve embraced you from a far. He’ll come back around. Just give him time, you said he wasn’t sleeping, maybe he just lashed out. Have you tried calling him or anything?” My eyes left her face and I shook my head, “Maybe you should. Want me to come over tonight?” I shook my head again and told her I’d be fine. “Okay, well, text me when you get home. Everything’s going to be fine, don’t over think it. Love you, mean it.” With that, she climbed out of car and I started the engine and drove home.

************

Tag list: @notinthesameguey @thinkofmehlgh @another-lonely-heart @limer-encia @viiirg0 @itsmytimetoodream @babyoria

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chuffyfan87 · 4 years

Text

Being Discreet. Part 2

It took just over a week until Charlie was able to find a shift where they could work together, a Thursday nightshift. As he gave the team their start of shift briefing Charlie tried his hardest not to glance over at Duffy too closely or frequently. She seemed to have purposely positioned herself towards the back of the group so he couldn't get a clear look at her.

As the group dispersed Charlie jogged over to catch up with Duffy before she disappeared off into the department. Reaching out he grasped hold of her arm lightly and pulled her to one side. Leaning in closely he whispered in her ear.

"Well I kept my side of the deal, did you keep yours?" He asked, waggling his eyebrows and grinning broadly.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this!" She hissed back through gritted teeth.

"I think you'll find this was your idea." Charlie chuckled.

Duffy rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. Charlie moved his hand to run down her back, confirming the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra this evening. His hand travelled lower, coming to rest on her bottom which he couldn't resist giving a light squeeze, his eyes widening as he did so.

"Oi, no touching! That's one of the rules. Unless you want to admit defeat already?" Duffy smirked, swatting his hands away and stepping back from him, preparing to collect the details of her first patient of the shift.

"Wait! It felt like you're missing more than just your bra! Are you?"

"I'll leave you and your imagination to decide on that Charlie boy! Don't want to keep my patient waiting." She laughed as she strolled off towards reception.

Charlie had thought he'd been smart by picking the shift he had, believing that it would be a quiet night. He should have known that the residents of Holby would have other ideas. He sighed as he sank into his office chair, closing his eyes as he tilted his head backwards.

Moments later he was startled by a knock at the door. He rubbed his hands across his face, smiling as he called out.

"Come in!"

His smile faltered slightly as Elle walked into the office. He mentally chastised himself, he should have known better as Duffy never knocked.

"What can I do for you?" He enquired politely.

"I had a few moments so thought I'd grab those files you needed me to sign." She explained.

"Ah yes." Charlie reached into his drawer and gathered the files together to pass to Elle. As he did so something slipped out from between them and landed on her shoe. Charlie's eyes widened as Elle picked up a black lace thong.

Holding it between her fingers Elle chuckled. "Um, that's very kind of you Charlie but, well, I don't think it's my size."

"I... Erm..." Charlie stammered.

Elle shrugged as she placed the underwear down on the desk. "It's good to see that it's not just the junior staff who are having all the fun round here." She grinned. "Do I know the lucky lady by any chance?"

"It's complicated." Charlie mumbled, quickly placing the knickers back in his desk drawer.

"If you love her don't let her escape again." Elle paused, letting her words sink in. "Anyway, I best get these files sorted before the next influx of patients descends." She turned and left his office, closing the door behind her.

Charlie reopened the drawer and pocketed the underwear. He then headed out into the department in search of their owner.

It took a while but he finally found her sorting through some supplies near resus. He crept up behind her and dangled the knickers from his fingers in front of her. "Misplace these did you?" He whispered, his breath tickling her ear.

"Oh! It's a good job you found them!" She replied, feigning surprise. She reached out to take them but he snatched them from her grasp.

"Wouldn't want you to lose them again so I'll keep them safe for you." He replied, smirking as he put them back in his pocket.

"Just make sure you wash them before you return them to me!" She replied sweetly, giggling as she walked away.

The department soon got busy again meaning Charlie only caught the merest glimpses of Duffy over the next couple of hours. Finally finding a quiet few moments he escaped to the staffroom for a cuppa. Opening the door he saw that Cal and Ethan had had the same idea. He nodded a greeting to them as he flicked the kettle on. While he waited for it to boil he wandered over to his locker to grab the sandwich he'd thrown in there at the start of his shift.

As he opened the door he was caught by surprise as he was hit in the face by an item that was hanging inside. Stepping back he realised the item was a black lacy bra, a bra which, on closer inspection, clearly matched the knickers that he'd found in his desk drawer a couple of hours earlier.

Remembering that he wasn't alone in the room he tried to grab his sandwich and quickly close his locker door but it was too late...

"Black lace? I didn't think you were the type Charlie!" Cal smirked.

"Cal!" Ethan admonished his brother, his face bright red with embarrassment.

Charlie could feel his cheeks heating up to a similar shade as he turned to face the two younger men, the bra still in his hands. "I have no idea where it came from. Probably someone's idea of a joke."

"Who could it belong to..?" Cal wondered aloud, a big grin on his face. "Let's have a closer look?"

"Its probably just a random item that doesn't belong to anyone in particular." Charlie shrugged keeping a firm grip on the item in question.

"No, it looks expensive." Cal pointed out. "That rules a few people out straight away." He turned to his brother. "What do you think?"

"I... Erm... Think we should just leave it and I'm sure whomever it belongs to will claim it back in due course." Ethan stammered.

"Spoilsport!" Cal mocked. "Hmm... Whoever it belongs to isn't very busty, I doubt that bra's any bigger than a C cup."

"There's more to attractiveness than big breasts Cal!" Charlie replied, a little too quickly.

"You know who it belongs to and you fancy her!" Cal accused with a smirk.

"Cal it's none of our business..." Ethan broke in awkwardly.

"If only I'd known the Ice Queen had such a thing for nurses... Explains a lot..!" Cal mused smugly.

Charlie was about to reply when Duffy wandered into the room.

"You starting a collection of ladies lingerie Charlie?" She asked with fake surprise.

"Not just any lady - Mrs Beauchamp!" Cal smirked.

"Really? Well, dark haired doctors always have been his type." She mused as she crossed the room and picked up a banana she'd left on the counter.

"Is that right?" Cal asked with interest.

"Mmhmm, likes them bossy does Charlie boy!" She laughed before taking a bite out of the fruit, subtly catching Charlie's eye as she did so.

"Duffy!" Charlie groaned before clearing his throat awkwardly, afraid his tone had given him away too much.

"What?" She asked innocently, swallowing her food. "Female authority figures have always made him go weak at the knees." She informed the brothers with a mischievous grin.

"Do they indeed?" Cal smirked.

"I think that's quite enough..." Charlie interrupted.

"Oh I haven't even started yet..!" Duffy giggled as she headed back out the door. "You should probably return that to its owner." She suggested, gesturing the the bra. "I imagine she's terribly cold without it!" She winked and headed back out towards reception.

Charlie hesitated momentarily before pocketing the bra and heading out the door with his sandwich. "I'm going to eat this in my office." He explained lamely over his shoulder.

The brothers looked at each other. "I think you might have been wrong about who it belongs to." Ethan commented.

"What? You mean those two?" Cal questioned making a lewd gesture with his hands. "Nah!" He laughed.

About twenty minutes later Duffy was walking past Charlie's office when she felt a hand reach out and grasp her arm, pulling her inside.

"You took your time!" She giggled as he closed the door and turned the lock.

"You're not playing fair." He pouted, holding up her underwear in his hand.

"You said I couldn't wear it, there was no rule saying I couldn't do something else with it." She smirked triumphantly.

"The whole department will be talking about it by now!" He complained.

"You and Connie?" She couldn't contain her laughter any longer.

"Duffy!"

"She'd eat you for breakfast Charlie!" Duffy replied as she finally managed to rein in her giggles.

"I'd much rather you did!" He shot back, a lustful glint in his eyes. "You weren't kidding about being cold!" He added, his grin widening.

"Charlie!" She admonished playfully, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Duffy..!" He pouted playfully.

She glanced at the clock. "Still another three hours to go... Will you survive that long..?" She giggled and left his office.

"Urgh!" Charlie groaned as he sat down in his desk chair. Why had he thought this was a good idea? He tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling, his grin reappearing and growing bigger as he thought of all the things he planned to do to her as soon as the shift ended.

Eventually the end of shift rolled around with no major incidents to disrupt the relative calm of the early morning in the department. Charlie left his office to head to cubicles to try and find Duffy. Seeing her with a patient he lent against the admin desk and watched her at work. Minutes passed but she showed no signed of finishing with her patient. As she walked up to the admin desk to grab a form Charlie whispered in her ear. "Your shift has finished Sister Duffin." He reminded her.

Duffy tilted her head and regarded him with a cheeky grin. "Someone's impatient!" She giggled. "I'm just finishing up." She rolled her eyes and walked away laughing.

Charlie let out a sigh and headed back to his office. Once there he lost track of the time as he went back to his lustful daydreams.

Eventually they were shattered by the sound of the door opening. Duffy stuck her head around and smiled. "I'm finished."

"Get in here and lock the door!" Charlie replied, his eyes filled with lust.

"I thought we were going back to yours?" She replied innocently.

"I've waited long enough..! No more!" He asserted as pulled her into his arms.

Duffy laughed as he yanked the zip of her tunic undone. "I knew you'd never manage it!" She crowed triumphantly.

#chuffy #charlie and duffy #charlie fairhead #lisa duffin

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crownedbyluke · 5 years

Text

Long Road Ahead (Chapter Ten)

Estelle Finley has been friends with Ashton Irwin and Luke Hemmings for three years. When the boys bring her along on a jam-packed road trip to Cape Cod with the rest of the band, their adventures are just beginning. Through long hours driving, exploring cities, and hidden secrets, something more is bound to happen on this journey. How will this road trip change Estelle’s friendship with the friends she’s come to love so dearly?

Word Count: 3,500

{Chapter One} {Chapter Two} {Chapter Three} {Chapter Four}{Chapter Five} {Chapter Six} {Chapter Seven} {Chapter Eight} {Chapter Nine}

The room was too bright for my hungover eyes as I sat up in my bed. It felt like someone was hitting me in the head over and over again. My movements were slower than usual as I pulled the gray hoodie over my head. My feet thudded against the stairs as I went down to the kitchen for breakfast.

“Hey Mike,” I said, voice rough as I pulled the refrigerator open.

“Hey Luke,” he said, his tone a little suspicious.

“What’s up?” I asked, pouring myself a glass of orange juice.

“Nothing. How’s the hangover?” he asked, his eyes narrowing as he watched me lean against the counter.

“Pretty rough. My head hurts, but nothing out of the ordinary. How was last night?” I asked, turning to search for something light to eat.

“Oh fine. I heard you and Cal come back last night,” he said, an edge to his tone.

“Shit. I’m sorry Mike. Most of last night is kinda hazy,” I admitted, sighing as I grabbed some bread to make toast.

“Oh I bet. You sounded pretty wasted,” he said as I caught the glare he was giving me.

“And I’m sorry. Did something happen last night when I came back?” I asked, confused as to why he would be staring at me with such a harsh look.

“Nope. Nothing at all. I’m gonna go get ready to head to Central Park,” he said, pushing off of the barstool he was on.

I watched him leave, still confused as to why he would be mad at me. Usually when I was drunk, I didn’t do anything horrible to the boys. So had I done something stupid that had annoyed Michael? I grabbed my toast and headed towards my room. As I was walking, I saw Calum leading Estelle down the stairs. My eyes went wide as the sight of them. What was she doing in his room? When we came back last night, I had assumed that she was asleep or at least with Ashton since she had cut me off the day before. I took in the baggy shirt she was wearing, Calum’s. I noticed it right away, it being one of Cal’s favorite to wear when he was in a mood. Why the hell was Estelle wearing his shirt? She stopped in her tracks as our eyes met. I watched as anger flashed in them. What happened last night that Estelle was having this reaction to me? I knew that she said we couldn’t be in a relationship and left me confused in her room, but was it really something so horrible that she would be angry with me?

“Morning,” I said in hopes of just being able to get a response.

“Mornin’” Calum said, a glare coming from him too.

Estelle refused to look at me as she continued walking. I felt the tension radiating from her as she walked by. It hurt to know that there was something bothering her to the point of her not speaking to me.

“What’s up?” I asked, Estelle continuing down the stairs as Calum met me on the landing.

“Nothing dude. Just talking,” he said with a shrug.

There was anger in his eyes too. What the fuck happened between my downing that last shot and coming home?

“About what?” I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.

“How you’re a fucking idiot to be perfectly honest,” he said, anger in his tone.

“What the hell did I do?” I asked, feeling like I was being attacked.

“Why don’t you ask the girl you had shove her tongue down your throat while people took pictures and put them on Twitter?” he accused before walking away.

“Wait, what?” I asked, confusion taking over my brain.

Had I seriously let another girl kiss me last night? Or was Calum just messing with me? As I looked at him, I realized that it wasn’t possible for him to mess with me this way.

“Take a look at Twitter then think about how you’re gonna fix it this time,” he practically growled.

I groaned, hanging my head and staring at the food on my plate. Had I seriously messed up so badly that Estelle didn’t even want to look at me? I sat on my bed and took out my phone. There were thousands of tweets with pictures of me kissing some girl I don’t remember on the dance floor of the club last night. What made it worse was that in the pictures, it almost looked like Estelle. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as I continued scrolling. How did I let this happen? I felt like a horrible person without a way of apologizing. How could Estelle forgive me for this? If she even could, would we be able to be together?

➢➢➢

Estelle sat the farthest she could on the way to Central Park. Even at Central Park, she stayed by Ashton the whole time. It suddenly didn’t feel like I should be there with them. I watched as they walked together, Estelle pointing her camera at different things and making everyone else pose for her and Ashton smiling at her. Was there something there? There was clearly something between her and Calum. Had I really ruined our relationship with one night away from her? My heart jumped when she turned around and snapped a picture of me. Our eyes met and saw the hurt and love causing a storm in her hazel eyes. She turned away quickly, going back to talk to Ashton. It was his birthday so I understood the attention being on him, but the look her eyes stayed with me longer than anything else. I had hurt this one person that I had come to love so much over the past three years of our friendship, particularly more in the past year and a half. Was she trying to move on now because of my actions? I sighed, deciding to just hang back a bit so I wouldn’t make her more upset. I let my thoughts wash over me as I walked along, not really finding the park as beautiful as I had the first time I saw it.

“Why are you so upset?” Michael asked, walking next to me.

“I made a mistake last night and I don’t know how to fix it,” I said, my eyes catching someone with a giant camera following us.

“You did make a mistake. Hey why are you walking faster?” he asked, trying to keep up.

“Mike, cameras,” I whispered, glancing over at them again.

He moved with me, making sure we could keep some privacy.

“Luke, what the hell?” Estelle asked as I pulled her hood of her hoodie up.

“Paparazzi,” I said quickly, looking up at Ashton.

He nodded and we rushed her towards the car, letting her get in quickly. Calum, Michael and Crystal followed shortly after.

“The rockstar bullshit doesn’t work here so grow up Luke. I’m not a toy you can play with and then refuse to have people see me!” she yelled, taking myself and everyone else in the car by surprise.

Her eyes were filled with anger and I could tell how long she had been holding in her feelings.

“Estelle,” I said, trying to calm her down.

I reached out to touch her shoulder, but she slapped my hand away. I stared at her in shock, seeing the tears that were in her eyes.

“Don’t touch me,” she said, her voice breaking slightly.

Ashton wrapped an arm around her and practically shielded her from me. It was like I was on the outside looking in.

“Okay, let’s just go back for a little bit and then get ready for dinner,” Crystal said, watching all three of us closely.

“Yeah,” Ashton and I agreed at the same time.

I sat there, looking out the window the entire car ride back. How was I supposed to make this better?

➢➢➢

ESTELLE’S POV

Ashton sat on one of the chairs that was in my room. I felt nervous about giving him the gift that I worked on. I picked up the sleek black box with a ribbon on it before turning to look at him.

“What do you got there bugs?” he asked, eyes twinkling as he took in the box.

“Happy Birthday Ash,” I said quietly, a small smile on my face as I handed it to him.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he said, running his fingers over the box.

“Yeah well, it’s your birthday so you should know better by now,” I teased, still standing in front of him.

I felt my palms starting to sweat as he slowly opened it. A smile blossomed over his face as he took out the book I made.

“Estelle, this is-”

“A personalized photo album of our friendship over the years, including the boys and when I met your family for the first time,” I explained, seeing a few tears well up.

“It’s perfect. Thank you,” he said, a crack in his voice before he stood up.

He wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug, almost squeezing me too much. I laughed into his chest at his reaction, but let him hug me as much as he wanted.

“I love you bugs,” he said, pulling away and kissing my forehead.

“I love you too Ash,” I giggled, smiling up at him.

It felt like the first time I was really smiling since the whole Luke debacle. Ashton always knew how to make me smile, cheer me up, or even make sure that I was enjoying at least some part of my day. He really was the perfect best friend.

“So, you and Luke,” he said, a strained tone in his voice.

“I didn’t mean to yell at him,” I admitted, sighing a little.

“It sounded a little out of nowhere,” he said, laughing a little at me.

“I know, I know. He just came out of nowhere with the sudden touching and protecting and he was all over someone else last night. It just pissed me off,” I said, walking over and falling back on my bed.

“I know, but bugs, you just went at him,” he argued, moving so he was lying next to me.

“Ugh, I let my anger take over and ruined your birthday,” I said, looking over at him.

He had a smile on his face instead of being upset.

“Estelle, you didn’t ruin my birthday. It’s okay that you were upset, but I really think you should talk to him. You’re never gonna know or understand until you do,” he said, giving me the look of you know I’m right.

“And what would I be finding out? That he thought some other girl wouldn’t matter? That if we weren’t together, he didn’t have to wait for me?” I said, my tone full of venom.

“Estelle, listen. You know how Luke is when he’s drunk. There’s a lack of paying attention to his surroundings. Do you honestly think he went out looking to makeout with some girl he didn’t know?” he asked, his words ringing in my ears.

“No,” I grumbled, hating that he was right yet again.

“Okay. So do you think he meant to hurt you?” he continued, making me sigh.

“No,” I repeated, frustration in my tone.

“Okay then what’s the harm in talking to him?” he asked, sitting up to look at me.

“Finding out that he won’t wait for my dad to stop being an ass,” I admitted, unable to meet his eyes.

“Bugs, he will. I know he will,” he reassured, taking my hand in his.

“I’ll try to talk to him then,” I said, giving in slightly.

“Great. Now, get ready because my birthday dinner is a very fancy one and I won’t have you not looking like a million bucks,” he teased, pulling me up with him.

“And whatever shall I wear for the birthday boy?” I asked, letting him drag me over to the closet.

“Hmm, let’s see here,” he said, laughing a little while he searched through my closet.

He pushed hangers until he halted completely, a smile coming over his face.

“This one,” he said, taking the dark green, skater dress from my closet.

“Yeah?” I asked, watching him pretend to make it twirl around.

“Yes. You’ll look stunning,” he said, handing it over to me.

I took the dress from him and pushed him out of my room.

“I’ll see you soon bugs,” he said, waving before running down the stairs.

I laughed, closing the door and staring at the dress. It wasn’t much, but it was still a dress that I loved for how it flowed around me. I gently zipped the dress up, admiring how it looked in the mirror. The clasp on my nude heels felt cold against my ankle and I took in my appearance one last time. Ashton was right, I looked like a million bucks.

➢➢➢

Crystal and I took a cab separately from the boys so we wouldn’t be harassed by the paparazzi. Ashton sat at the head of the table once we were seated at Ristorante Morini. I sat on one side of him, Luke across from me and Calum next to me. The tension between myself and Luke had dissipated slightly, but now Luke was glaring at Calum for some unknown reason.

“And what can I for you miss?” the waiter asked, his eyes trailing up and down my body.

I rolled my eyes before putting on a fake smile.

“I’ll have the Parmigiano Tortelloni please,” I said, giving my tone a sickly sweetness to it.

“And to drink?” he continued, his eyes landing on my chest.

“A miele,” I said, my accent for the Italian names sounding perfect.

“And for you sir?” he asked, turning to Ashton.

“One, I would appreciate it if you didn’t ogle my girlfriend. Second, I’ll have the salmon with a glass of sparkling prosecco,” Ashton said, his tone full of ice.

The waiter flushed, nodding and quickly jotting his order down. I flashed an appreciative smile towards Ashton before I listened to Luke’s order. He ordered the same thing as me except he got a salad with it too. Once the waiter was gone, everyone went back to normal conversation, no one acknowledging what Ashton had done. I weaved in and out of the conversations, always letting Luke’s voice catch in my ears as I passed between trying to ignore him and trying to talk to him. My attempts for both were futile, never feeling like it was the right time or the right place to attempt a conversation of any kind. A warm hand landed on my leg. I looked up, meeting Calum’s brown eyes. He gave me a small smile and squeezed gently.

“Don’t worry Elle. You guys will work it out,” he whispered after leaning towards me so only I could hear him.

“We’ll see,” I whispered back, giving him another smile.

He went back to talking to Michael about something. I turned back to talk to Ashton when I caught Luke’s eyes on me, almost like they were burning a hole through my body. My eyes hesitantly lifted to meet his, catching the jealousy and hurt at war in the ocean blue. It made me wish that things were different right now, that he was the one next to me instead of Calum. The food came, taking me out of my thoughts and away from looking at Luke. We all ate quietly, only a few notes about how good the food is here and there. It wasn’t until they brought Ashton’s birthday cake out that we all really started talking. He laughed while we all badly sang “Happy Birthday” to him.

“Happy Birthday Ash!” I cheered along with everyone else.

He blew out the candles in one fell swoop and we all clapped like we were impressed. I felt the night winding down, but I saw the look in Ashton’s eyes.

“Boys! Let’s go out for a bit and let the girls take the rest of the night off,” he suggested, staring at his friends.

It was dangerous to say no to Ashton on his birthday, we all knew it. They all nodded, Luke’s being a bit more hesitant than the rest of the boys. Crystal and I got up before they could leave. I pressed a kiss to Ashton’s cheek quick.

“Don’t get too wild now,” I teased, waving to the rest of the boys before heading out.

“He won’t make the same mistake tonight you know,” Crystal said once we got back.

“What?” I asked, a little confused by what she meant.

“Luke. He’ll be with Ashton and he knows that he was a dick last night, so he won’t do the same thing again,” she said like it was that simple.

A part of me knew she was right, but the other part of me got angry.

“He shouldn’t have done it in the first place,” I mumbled, walking up to my room.

“Wait, do you not know that he went out because Ashton let it slip that you can’t be with him right now?” she asked, staring at me in shock.

“No. Ashton didn’t tell me that,” I said quietly, thinking about what that would have done to Luke, stopping in my tracks.

It still didn’t add up to him making out with some other girl though.

“Yeah, Cal took him out so he could just let off some steam. Luke wandered off though and Calum couldn’t find him until he got back here,” she explained and stopped on the stairs up to her and Michael’s room.

“Cal said that last night,” I mentioned, realizing that not everyone knew I was in Calum’s room last night.

“Um, go back. You were in Cal’s room last night?” she asked, an arch to her eyebrow.

“Yeah. He came into my room after he got back looking for Luke and found me on the floor crying. He basically carried me up to his room to talk and try to calm down,” I said, walking towards my room.

“Well, you know that Luke won’t do it again right?” she called after me.

“Yep!” I lied, closing my door softly.

If he wouldn’t do it again, he shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

➢➢➢

LUKE’S POV

I helped Calum get Ashton into the apartment, his drunken nature making him too difficult for just one of us. He stumbled over his feet as we sat him on the bed.

“Best birthday,” he slurred, making us laugh.

I shook my head before letting Calum take over. The need for a shower was strong right now. My feet carried me up the stairs, but I paused when I heard Estelle’s voice. She sounded hurt and angry, but I could tell that she wasn’t talking about me to Crystal. The small crack in her door was too tempting to just go into my room.

“No I promise that we aren’t together dad. I did as you asked,” she said, a crack in her voice.

I wanted to push the door open and comfort her, but I knew that wouldn’t be okay right now.

“He was just trying to keep me out of pictures. I swear that I’m not doing anything against what you asked,” she said, her voice strained.

It sounded like she was fighting back tears. It hurt me to hear her so distressed. The sound of a thud made me want to open the door more. It was followed by the clear sound of her crying and it cut through me. She was already mad at me and if I went into her room, she’d probably be even madder. I went into my room, but didn’t close the door in hopes that she’d walk in and talk to me this time.

“Are you gonna go in there?” Calum asked quietly from the doorway.

“No. I don’t want to make it worse,” I admitted, taking off my boots.

“Luke, you know that she’s more hurt by what happened last night than anything right?” he asked, leaning against the door frame.

“I know. There’s a connection between us and I know that isn’t an excuse for my behavior. I just don’t know what’s happening though. We were good for like one day and then suddenly, there’s just a reason she won’t tell me about why we can’t be together,” I said, shrugging off the suit jacket and hanging it back up.

“She’ll tell you when she’s ready Luke,” he reassured, giving me a look.

“I hope so,” I sighed, giving him a small smile.

“I’ll go check on her though,” he said, nodding towards Estelle’s room.

“Thanks. One sec though,” I said, reaching into my dresser and taking out my white tee that she loved.

“Give this to her in case she wants it,” I said, knowing that there was slight jealousy behind my actions.

“I will. I’ll get you if I need to,” he said, giving me a slight nod before closing my door.

I stood there for a moment, hoping that she’d take the shirt in her hands and know that I wanted everything to be okay. It was a risk right now, but it was Estelle and every risk was worth it for her.

Well, I am so very sorry for the long wait for the next chapter. Life’s been a little hectic recently. But here we go, back at it again.

tag loves: @24kcalum @thruheavenandhighwater@slimthicccal @notoriouslyhood @bbycal @tommossoccer @a-little-international @cashton-queen @thebookamongmen@jetblackyoungblood @kiss-the-kat @no-guilt-in-living

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millioncth · 5 years

Text

love me back - c.t.h (part 3)

a/n: the long awaited part three is here! i really hope you enjoy and again, i’m sorry if there’s any mistakes, engigh is not my first language. ALSO!! this is unedited and kinda rushed? anyways vvvvv angsty!! feedback is always cool!

part 1 - part 2

have you ever felt that pain that starts in your stomach and quickly creeps its way to every inch of your body, from your toes to the tip of your fingers? even though he was drunk, calum could still feel it consume his body. he closed his eyes hard hard hard, and held his head in his hands. barely processing the words coming out of his mouth, he spoke,

“is it because you’re with luke? is that’s why you don’t love me?”

truth is, he still was incapable of getting the image of them holding hands, walking out of the club, out of his hands. it was tattooed on his mind, in bright colors and with a needle he could still feel.

“what? i’m not dating luke! why would you think that?” she was beyond confused. still on her position behind the counter.

“but i saw you leaving with him last night!” he took a deep breath, and swallowed a lump he didn’t even realize that was forming in his throat. “please don’t lie to me, y/n. if you two are in a relationship, i need you to tell me so i can just back off”

she scoffed, “back off from what? from kissing me two times? from holding my hand when we hang out? oh, but that has to be in secret, because people can’t possibly find out that the calum hood is holding someone’s fucking hand!” she raised her voice; anger just splashed in it. at this point, calum had let silent tears make room on his eyes and drop down his face, but he just kept listening to whatever y/n had to say. “i’m not with luke, not that it’s any of your business” she sighed, her tone much softer than before, but not less angry.

“then why were you leaving with hi-”

“i was sad, okay? i was sad and frustrated and crying in the back of that fucking club and luke saw me and he brought me home! he was being a friend! why am i even explaining myself to you? ugh” she had walked over to the couch and sat down next to him, annoyed and exhausted.

“w-why were you crying?” he asked, eyes full of concern. she may not love him, he thought, but he still cared about her.

“because i love you, okay? i do, it’s just… i didn’t tell you because it wouldn’t make a difference okay? i do love you but it’s going to be the same outcome as if i didn’t” her voice groggy. she moved a little and placed her elbow on the arm of the couch, face resting in her palm.

calum couldn’t believe it, “you love me? for real?”.

to be honest, that was all he could register.

“yes” that was when y/n realized that it would make absolutely no sense to keep having this conversation. calum was drunk, he was slurring every other word, and probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning. after a brief silence, she got up, offering him his hand. “hey, let’s get some sleep, yeah? we’ll talk tomorrow”

he took her hand, stumbling around and letting her guide him to her room.

“you’re going to sleep with me? in the same bed?” he asked as she sat him down, innocence on his tone, the alcohol finally taking the best of him.

“yes, cal. now, you can sleep in your underwear and a t-shirt, okay?”

“okay” as he got rid of his pants, she climbed to the other side of the bed. “you’re so nice. i love you” he got under the covers, she looked past the i love you. “can we cuddle?”

she knew it wasn’t the brightest of all ideas. she knew she would feel loved only to be let down in the morning. but she also knew that she would get hurt no matter what happened that night, so she just nodded. he smiled big, and came closer to her. she made herself comfortable under his neck, and he hugged her like his life depended on it, a warm feeling in both of their chests.

calum knew that feeling wouldn’t last forever, but he didn’t want to think about it in that moment. instead, all he wanted to do was cuddle her and forget that he was an asshole; he wanted to be close to her, even if it was just that night.

“i love you” he whispered.

“i love you too”

the next morning, calum woke up with a headache, and little knowledge as to why he was in y/n’s room. his first instinct was to get up and leave before she could realize, but then he looked at her in his arms, peacefully sleeping, and subconsciously wished that he cold wake up to this every morning. he started to remember the night before, and he was angry at himself for not making an effort to even fight y/n, to tell her that they would be alright.

he didn’t know why he was like this. he really wanted to be with y/n, to be her boyfriend, to stay in with her as she does school work, to watch her concentrated face when she tries to finish up a song. but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t and it hurted. he had made himself so emotionally unavailable in the first years of his career, getting hurt by people who didn’t really love him, that it made him close up to any relationship. and now, this wonderful girl was ready to commit to him, to love him endlessly, and he was incapable of giving her what she wanted.

y/n looked so pretty wrapped in his arms, and he thought that she must be the most beautiful person in the whole wide world. she started to stir a little, the sun softly hitting her face and making her wake up slowly. as soon as she regained consciousness, she couldn’t help but sigh and look up to calum.

“hi” he breathed out.

“hey” she pressed her lips together, every bit of doubt that she had could be seen in her eyes.

a brief silence appeared between the two, and cal couldn’t help but hug her slightly tighter, trying to make this situation last a little longer. but, when he saw the look on her face, eyebrows furrowed and sad eyes, he knew he had to address the issue. “so,” he started “about last night… i’m sorry, okay? i really am, because all of what you said was true”

she nodded slowly, trying to comprehend why this was hurting so damn much if she already knew how it was going to end. in the three or four years of knowing cal, he had never settled down with nobody, so why did she still hoped that this time would be different?

“it’s okay, cal. i… i understand” she whispered, not really trusting herself to speak louder.

“i just want you to know that i really love you, y/n. i just- i don’t wanna hurt you, and… i don’t wanna get hurt too, i guess” he looked into her eyes, empathetic as always, and for a moment he wished that she wasn’t like that. he wished that she yelled at him for being such a jerk, that she didn’t understand what he was going through, and maybe that way he would feel less guilty. because right now, y/n was taking the heartbreak almost as if she deserved it, and that made calum feel like crap, because all this pain was inflicted by him, and only by him, with no one else to blame.

“i love you too cal. but you’re not ready for a relationship and i get that. i respect it. i think it’s mature of you to not wanting to jump into something you’re not one hundred percent sure of” she said in a low tone, trying to swallow all of her feelings.

gently, she got out of calum’s embrace and to her drawer. she got out an ibuprofen and a bottle of water that was sitting on top of it.

“here,” she handed them to him “for your hangover”.

he didn’t know why that small action sprawled a sudden realization through his body. he took the pill and the water out of y/n’s hands, his bottom lip shaking and his whole demeanor changed into someone so weak, and so so lost. he closed his eyes hard hard hard.

“what’s wrong?” she asked, concerned by calum’s abrupt change.

“you’re s-so nice to me, it’s unfair”

“what?” she chuckled, sitting up next to him.

“what i mean is that you’re so great, so fucking great and pretty and amazing. and you’re so talented and smart, and you like the same things that i do. and you understand me, you get me. you’re so kind and you take care of me and you’re so perfect for me but i’m just such a fucking asshole. i don’t know why i can’t be with you, but it’s killing me and i’m so sorry. because yesterday you told me that you loved me too, and i couldn’t believe it, even though you told me you didn’t love me first, when you said it back i felt like i was on cloud nine so i’m sorry i hurt you, i’m really really really sorry” he blurted out so fast, his eyes full of regret, and his voice was choked, trying not to cry.

that morning would be the last time they both would talk alone for a very long time, and it ended with soft kisses, full of calum seeking forgiveness, and y/n forgiving him, even if it would leave her with a heavy heart for a long time.

y/n spent her summer busy: writing for a lot of artists, producing some tracks and helping the guys out with their new album. truth was, she kept herself busy in order to think about calum as little as possible. they all had been working really hard, and ashton decided that it was time to take a break. so, he invited the guys, plus their girlfriends, plus y/n to eat dinner and relax one afternoon in mid-august.

y/n agreed to go. she thought it was going to be a chill day, and she would get to hang out with her best friends and take a little bit of time off.

y/n sat between ash and luke at the large table. everyone was enjoying the food, laughing and having a good time. michael and crystal looked more in love than ever, and luke was so happy with sierra. it was nice to see him like this, y/n thought. after all, they all had seen him at his worst.

just as she was going to point out cal’s absence, he appeared a the door. everything was normal, until she noticed that he wasn’t alone. he had a girl in his arm. as soon as she saw her, she kind of zoned out, not wanting to hear whatever calum had to say, but she heard anyway.

“hey guys,sorry i’m late. this is my girlfriend, chloe”

chloe was a pretty girl. she was almost as tall as calum, and she had long brown hair. and all y/n could do was to smile and greet her, even if she felt all of her insides ripping apart.

of course he would be over her. of course. how could he not? it’s not like she tried to be a constant in his life. but she had hope. and for someone in her position, with the guy she loves being a star, it was dangerous. because, like that moment just proved, hope can be destroyed so fast.

they decided to sit right in front of her, and y/n couldn’t help but to shoot luke a look of help. everyone around her seemed to noticed how she was suddenly uncomfortable. everyone but calum and his girlfriend. thankfully, they didn’t ask her about it, restarting their conversations instead.

when they all finished eating, she excused herself and sneaked to ashton’s backyard. he sameplace where her and cal had their first kiss. y/n shook the memory out of her head, running her hands through her face and hair before sitting down and lighting a cigarette. taking a long drag, she closed her eyes, and tried so hard not to think about calum having a girlfriend. she didn’t even wanted to head inside for the rest of the evening, because she didn’t want to stare at calum’s general direction. she just wanted to forget about everything that happened between them, take every single moment they spent together and shove it in a box and throw it in the back of her closet and leave it there.

her thinking time got cut down short by the last person she wanted to talk to in that moment.

“that hoodie of yours is full of burn holes” his voice said from behind her. she didn’t even realize that he was there until he talked, much like what happened with luke that night in the club.

“well, it is my smoking hoodie” she answered with a dry tone. “i guess i knew i was going to smoke a lot today” she said taking a last drag, and quickly lighting another one.

“woah, slow down there…” he sit in front of her. he almost continued whatever he was saying, but when he saw the deadly glare she gave him, he stopped himself.

he resorted to get out a cigarette himself, and patted down for a lighter, with no luck. when y/n saw this, she lit up her own, lighting the cigarette for him.

“i need to talk to you,” he said after a while “about chloe”.

that phrase made y/n roll her eyes so hard that it stung a little, but she let him talk. “go ahead” she said. “it’s not like i have much to lose, right?” her voice was barely above a whisper.

“y/n… i know that this was fast, after we talked… it’s only been two months. but she’s great, a-and i really like her” his eyes were pleading, almost begging for y/n to give him any signal that she approved of this, but he refused to meet his gaze, deciding to focus on one of the trees in the backyard instead.

“i get it, calum. i just…” she thought about telling him what she really thought about it, but determining it was better to keep her mouth shut, not wanting to cause any trouble. “whatever. i’m sure she’s great. i’m happy for you. excuse me” she muttered so fast and her face remained emotionless as she got up from her seat and quickly made her way inside.

“hey, ash” she tapped him on the shoulder “can i go lay down on your guest room for a bit? i have a headache”

“of course, love. tell me if you need anything. you know where the guest room is” he answered with kind eyes. she just nodded and headed upstairs, closing the door behind her once she reached said room, but not locking it.

she laid down on the bed, finally letting her stomach churn and her head daze in peace. she closed her eyes and breathed out hard, trying to get rid of the lump that was forming in her throat, and also trying to distract herself from the pain that was blooming in her chest and creeping its way into every inch of her body. it wasn’t until it reached her fingertips that she realized that she was in actual physical pain. at that moment, there was no point in trying to contain her cries inside anymore, so she started to let out silent sobs, and turning her body in a position where her face was buried in a pillow and her arms were under it. she stayed there until god knows how long, a soft knock at the door bringing her back to reality.

“y/n? honey, it’s us, open up” sierra’s delicate voice said on the other side.

“it’s open” y/n croaked out. sierra and luke let themselves in, the girl going immediately to check if her friend was okay, while luke closed the door and locked it this time.

“how are you feeling?” her sweet voice asked, while running her hands through her hair.

“like shit” y/n sounded rough.

“how dare he show up with a girl knowing you’re here? i swear that if michael didn’t stop me he would already have left” luke started to rant.

“it’s not his fault” y/n sat up, now sporting a real headache after all the crying.

“why are you still defending him?” luke sounded confused.

“because…” y/n took a deep breath “it’s really not his fault, guys. i mean, we are nothing. we don’t have a relationship. he made that very clear, that he didn’t want a relationship with me, that he wasn’t ready. i just hoped that maybe one day he’d be ready. turns out he is, just not for me” she sighed, her tone trembling. “but whatever, he’s happy i guess. and i have to respect it”.

both luke and sierra were frustrated at how calm y/n was about the whole situation, but they knew that she was like this. that she always put others in front of her. right now though, y/n looked so beat down, so done with the whole situation, so exhausted, that they decided it was best not to argue with her about it.

tag list: @rexorangecouny @ruth-is-a-koala-bear @5secondssofssummer @mellany1997 @harringtonsblackgf @you-of-ghost @birdsbeesndaisies @pansexualpancakeslife @amandash113 @calumsbabydolll @juliabrghs @flowerchild8341 @calssunflower @inlovehoodx @sugarcoatedcalum @youmaycallmemrshemmings

#5sos #5sos angst #5sos imagine #calum hood #calum hood imagine #calum hood blurbs #calum hood angst #calum 5sos #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #michael clifford #5sos imagines #calum hood imagines

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5-seconds-of-bucky · 5 years

Text

He Worries About You

A/N: Here is the second one. I hope you like it and thanks for reading!

Warning: 1 baby swear

Luke

"I need space!" You say as you open the door. Slam.

The flashbacks of your fight with Luke kept playing through your head as you walked through the streets of town. He had forgotten to pick you up from a meeting and you had to wait for a half hour before he came to get you. When you got home, you were in a bad mood and Luke kept getting on your nerves. You eventually lost it, causing a fight between the two of you.

It was a chilly night in September and you only had on a light sweatshirt over your short sleeve shirt. Running your hands up your arms to try to create some warmth, you start to realize how stupid your fight had been. You wanted to call Luke and tell him you were coming home, but you had forgotten to take your phone with you when you had stormed out of the apartment.

Checking your watch, you saw that it was 12:45. You had been wandering around for a hour now. Luke was probably really worried. There was a rule between the two of you that if one of you were to storm out after a fight, they had thirty minutes to cool off without having to contact the other person. After that they had to either come home or answer calls from the other person. Since you had left your phone at home you decided to head back home.

Your feet pounded on the sidewalk as you rushed to get back home to your husband. The streetlights were dim, and it was hard to see the sidewalk in front of you. Finally reaching the door to your apartment, you turn the door handle slowly. As you walk through the door, you hear Luke pacing around and muttering under his breath.

"Where the hell could she be? This is all my fault. What if something happened to her?!" The panic in his voice was clear as he started to get louder and his pacing got faster.

"Luke?" You called out timidly.

"Y/N?" Luke called back, walking towards the sound of your voice. "Oh, thank goodness you're okay. I was so worried." He exclaimed in one breath, pulling you into his chest.

"I'm sorry." You apologize. "About the fight and not coming home sooner. I was overreacting and then I lost track of time."

"It's okay Y/N. It was my fault too. I should have remembered to pick you up." He says. "Jeeze, you're cold." He grabs a blanket and pats the spot on the couch next to him.

You spent a little while after that talking things out before going to bed.

Calum

"You sure you're going to be alright? Six months is a long time babe." Calum says, his brown eyes staring into yours. The two of you were lying in your shared bad, preparing yourselves for Calum's departure due to the upcoming tour.

"I guess so." You say reluctantly. "It's not like we have a choice."

"I'm really going to miss you." He sighs, hugging you tighter to his chest.

"I'm going to miss you too babe."

"What if something happens to you while I'm gone and I can't come back to help you?" Calum questions. "What if you get hurt, or someone threatens you and I'm no there to protect you?"

"I think I'll be able to handle it." You chuckle. "We've been in that situation before. Remember?"

"Yea. You sprained your ankle and wouldn't let me come back to take care of you. I don't know how you convinced me that you would be okay, but you did."

"See? I can always call you if something life threating happens. Besides, there are other people who live near us that can help, should something happen to me." You explain.

"That's true." Calum states, seeming a little more convinced that you would be okay without his constant care.

"I don't know. Sometimes I just worry that something terrible will happen and I won't be able to protect you. It hurts knowing that I failed at my job of protecting you, even if I'm halfway across the world." He explains.

"That's sweet Cal. You don't have to worry about me though. I've been alone before, and I can do it again. I'll be okay. I promise." You reply.

"Whatever you say Y/N. I can't make any promises about the no worrying thing though." Calum chuckles.

"Well try your best." You say, smiling at his protectiveness.

"I will."

With that, Calum kisses the top of your head and you spend the rest of the day cuddling with your protective boyfriend.

Michael (His P.O.V.)

Cough, cough, cough.

There it was again. That terrible cough. Y/N has been coughing for days, and she refuses to go to the doctor. She's so stubborn. I climb the stairs with a bottle of cough medicine, hoping that she'll take it and get some rest instead of working her butt off to finish some work. She's been coughing for days and doesn't want to get it checked out claiming that it will pass, and it's probably just a cold.

"Y/N." I say softly, opening the door to her office.

"Hey Mikey." Cough, cough.

"Why don't you take some of this medicine. It should help with your coughing." Cough, cough.

"No. It tastes gross."Cough, cough. "Besides, I'm not coughing that bad."

"Yes you are. We need to get you into the doctor." I say, hoping she won't be so damn stubborn for once in her life. I was getting worried. She had a fever last night and refused to stop working. She had a deadline for her job coming up and wanted to get her work done, despite her sick state.

"No. I'm fine." Cough, cough, cough.

"Fine. You need to get some rest though. I'm sure your fever hasn't gone down much. You're overworking yourself." I say, trying to convince her get out of that office and lie down in bed.

"It's fine Mikey. I'm fine. I'm not overworking, I'm not terribly sick, and I will be okay."

"Whatever you say Y/N." I sigh, knowing there was no changing her mind.

"I don't know what to do." I say into the phone. "She won't take her medicine or stop working."

"Sweetie, I know it's hard, but you just have to keep trying to convince her." My mom says through the phone.

"You know Y/N though." I sigh. "She's so stubborn. I won't be able to make her stop doing this herself."

"I don't know Michael. You'll think of something. I know you can."

"Alright. Thanks mom." I say.

"You're welcome. I hope Y/N feels better soon."

"Thanks. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Bye."

"Bye." I end the call and sit on the couch to think. Suddenly, an idea hits me.

"Alright, I am stopping this right now." I say, closing Y/N's laptop and picking her up.

"Michael put me down!" Y/N says, trying to wiggle out of my arms.

"No. You need to rest. My orders." I tell her, laying her down on our bed.

She glares at me from her spot on the bed as I crawl next to her, but doesn't make a move to leave. I finally got her to get some well needed rest.

Ashton (His P.O.V.)

It had been a long day at the studio with the boys. We were in the middle of recording new music and trying to get it done as soon as possible. I tried to call Y/N a few times, but she wasn't picking up. She was starting to worry me. I was trying not to, her phone could be dead after all.

Sighing as I pulled into the driveway of my house, I rub my hands over my face, trying to rid myself of the sleepiness taking over my body. I just wanted to eat dinner and go to bed.

I walk up to the door, ready to greet my wife and eat some of the wonderful food that she had made for tonight's dinner. As I opened the door I saw that the lights were off and it was oddly quiet in the house.

"Y/N? Where are you?" I call out, wondering where she was.

(Your P.O.V.)

It couldn't be true. She couldn't be gone. Y/B/F/N couldn't be dead. She had been my best friend since third grade.

I pick my head up to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are swollen and red, my hair had strands everywhere after attempting to put it into a bun to keep it out of my face. I was in the bathroom in case Ashton came home soon. I didn't want him to see me cry. He would be so worried and I don't need him to worry about me. He's been so stressed with recording the album and I didn't want to add to his load.

The thing is, I never cry. If Ashton saw me crying he would know something is really wrong and worry about me. As I try to quiet my sobs, I hear the door close and Ashton call out my name.

"Yes?" I say back, frantically trying to erase the evidence of my tears.

(His P.O.V.)

I close the door quietly, straining to listen for a response.

"Yes?" I hear her call back. "Where are you?" I ask, walking towards our bedroom.

"In the bathroom, I'll be out in a minute." She responds. Her voice sounds a little different.

"Are you okay babe?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She says, her voice breaking.

"Let me in." I say softly, attempting to open the locked door.

"No. I said I'm fine." She says sternly.

"No you're not. Please let me in. I just want to help you."

"Ash." She warns. It's evident that she was crying. Something really bad must have happened.

"Babe, you're worrying me." I say. She is so stubborn sometimes. I hear her get up and unlock the door. She opens it, looking at the ground.

"Y/N." I saw sympathetically. "What happened?"

(Your P.O.V.)

"Ash!" I wailed, starting to cry again.

"Shh, Shh. I've got you. What happened baby?" He asks, wrapping his arms around me in an attempt of comfort.

I told him the whole story, barely managing to get it out. The entire time he rubbed my back and encouraged me to keep talking. After I told him, he was devastated.

"Y/N, baby, it's okay." He said softly. After a while of standing in the doorway, Ashton picked me up and carried me to bed. We lay down together and he pulls me into his chest. Soon, we both fall asleep.

#5sos #5sos imagines #5 seconds of summer #5 seconds of summer preferences #5 seconds of summer imagines #5sos preferences #luke hemmings #ashton irwin #calum hood #Michael clifford #luke hemmings imagines #ashton Irwin imagines #calum hood imagines #Michael Clifford imagines #5sos fanfiction #5 seconds of summer fanfiction

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cakesunflower · 6 years

Text

Sugar Coated Pain [Boxer!Calum AU] Ch. 12

Chapter 12

CALUM KNEW HE should give it a rest, save his strength and his hands for tonight’s actual fight instead of delivering unabating strikes to the punching bag. No doubt Ashton would kick his ass if he found out Calum was still training at Astros, just a mere few hours before tonight’s fight. But Calum wasn’t afraid of Ashton, so he switched from right and left hooks and roundhouse kicks until he was satisfied with the quickness of his movements, making sure he was quick enough to avoid a hit from his nonexistent opponent.

Honestly, Calum thought to himself as his fisted hands struck out, still thinking about his best friend with a small wry grin on his face, feeling the warm layer of sweat clinging to his skin. Don’t know why he still bothers. Where the fuck else am I gonna be?

He spent as much part of his day with Duke as possible before leaving the little pup with food and water at his apartment and then came to Astros to train for a bit. Ashton didn’t like it when he did that before a match, but it’s been almost three years and Calum still didn’t listen. Hopefully Ashton got the hint if he hadn’t stopped by now, he wouldn’t any time soon.

Calum grunted as he assaulted the punching bag with a particularly hard left hook, feeling his fist throb as the bag swung where it hung on its hook, the chains holding it up squeaking in proest. “Not letting Boman off the hook tonight, huh?” Came a familiar voice, pulling Calum out of his thoughts.

Relaxing his stance, Calum glanced to his left to see one of the newer fighters approach him. Something Rickards was part of his name, Calum unable to bring himself to try and recall the kid’s first name. Calum wondered how quickly the kid’s unadulterated excitement that lit up his blue eyes would disappear, replaced by the pure desire of taking out his aggression and desperation to earn some decent cash. That’s what happened to Calum—mostly, since he still got pretty thrilled whenever he had a match. Gave him something to strive for.

“First rule of the ring, kid; you never let anyone off the hook during a fight,” Calum advised absently, not focusing on the conversation as he stretched his fingers out once he uncurled his fists. He came to Astros to train, fight, win and get paid. He wasn’t here to form friendships.

Bending down, Calum rested his weight on his folded left leg as he tied the laces on his right shoe, not one for conversation. That is until Rickards spoke up again, a nervous chuckle preceding his words. “Yeah, I heard you were unforgiving in the ring. I don’t expect tonight to be any different—especially with all the fucked up things Boman was saying about your friend.”

Calum’s attention was caught, head lifting as his fingers tightened his laces. “Which friend?”

“Um, he didn’t give a name but it was, uh, about a girl,” Rickards responded, shifting slightly as Calum slowly rose to his feet, his height making Rickards stumble over his words. No doubt the new fighter was aware he was probably unintentionally about to piss Calum off. “Just said some—some pretty messed up things about a—a girl he saw you with.”

Rickards was having a hard time getting the words out because Calum’s dark eyes had narrowed dangerously, hardened anger tightening his muscles. It wasn’t difficult to discern that the girl Boman was referring to was Noelle, and the knowledge of that washed out sleazebag saying pretty messed up things about her had Calum’s jaw clenching into a near teeth shattering tightness. He could guess what lewd things Boman was saying about Noelle, and Calum was sure if he found out he would end up tracking him down and making good on his threat of breaking his teeth again.

The thought of anyone making comments about her sent a startling surge of anger through Calum, fingers once again curling. He ignored the nagging voice in the back of his head, contemptuously teasing him for being so affected by this. But he couldn’t help it—it was almost primal, the need to shield her from Boman’s thoughts since that wasn’t where she belonged, and Calum knew the kind of lewd man he was, knew the kinds of disgusting thoughts he would cook up involving Noelle that ignited yet another fire under Calum’s skin. That couldn’t happen tonight. Noelle could not show up tonight.

♔♔♔♔♔

When Noelle walked into Astros later that night, following behind Beverly and Luke as she conversed with Michael, Calum inhaled sharp breath of indignation, pursing his lips at Beverly. And, as if feeling the heat of his glare, Beverly’s gaze flickered over to him as she and the others made their way to where he stood with Ashton. She listened to what Luke was saying, but her raised eyebrows at him meant she acknowledged the irritated look on his face.

The fight would start in about ten minutes, Astros already filled with the gruff murmur of spectators waiting for things to get going. Calum had caught sight of Davey Boman amongst the crowd, taking him all his willpower to not to say a big fuck you to the match and bury his fist in Boman’s stomach.

He snapped out of his thoughts once the others reached them, only giving Beverly a brief moment to greet Ashton before Calum cut in, “Can I talk to you?”

He didn’t bother greeting Michael and Luke, didn’t even look at Noelle, as he watched Beverly press her lips together knowingly before nodding. Ignoring the confused stares of the others, Calum turned and walked a good distance away from them, making sure they were out of ear shot before spilling to once again scowl at Beverly.

“What part of don’t bring Noelle did you not get?” he practically snapped, his dark eyes clashing with her lighter ones. His tone was harsh, but to Calum’s credit, he was keeping his annoyance at bay. He had a short fuse and while it didn’t take much to set it off, Calum was mindful of letting it go off at his friends. But Beverly’s blatant ignorance of what he asked of her got on his nerves.

“The part where my sister is a grown woman who can do whatever the hell she wants,” Beverly responded coolly, unblinking at Calum’s frustration. “If you really think that Elle is gonna stay home just because of some guy being a creep, then you better think again, Cal.”

The Australian ignored the buzz of everyone around him, rubbing his hand down his face, his own stubble tickling his palm. “Boman was specifically talking about Noelle, Bev. That’s not okay.”

Beverly could make out the concern creeping into his exasperated tone, hoping to fight off the smile threatening to grow on her lips. She knew her sister had a thing for Calum and, as far as she knew, he wasn’t really the commitment type but this little show of emotion, no matter how minor, was definitely a step up. Unexpected, but welcome.

“Then make him eat his words,” Beverly shrugged casually before adding, “With your fists.”

Calum shot her a flat look, the playful smile on her face successfully making his own lips quirk up despite his irritance. The last thing he wanted was for Noelle to be here in Boman’s line of sight, and Calum couldn’t do anything short of carrying her right out of Astros—but he wasn’t one to manhandle women. He then heard Mick announce that it was time and straightened his shoulders. Make him eat his words, Calum mused silently, a wicked smirk curling. No fucking problem.

♔♔♔♔♔

“Gotta hand it to ya, Hood—you really know how to pick ‘em.”

His expression steeled, Calum didn’t give Boman the reaction he was hoping for, merely letting out a distasted, “Che,” before launching his right fist towards him. But Boman caught Calum’s fist, smirking in obvious pride for intercepting the dodge, but his expression fell when Calum’s free hand, which had been grasping Boman’s other wrist, used its grip to twist his arm to the point where he let go of Calum’s fist amidst his pained groan.

Seeing his opening, Calum’s fist finally connected with Boman’s jaw, sending him flying back onto the ropes of the ring. Calum was deaf to the cheers as he stalked towards Boman, who was pushing himself up to his feet, meeting Calum in the middle of the ring. “Come on, man,” Boman sneered. “Just complimenting you on your choice of fucks.”

Calum was sure he would break his teeth by how hard he was clenching his jaw, fiery rage igniting his blood as if it was oil as he decided then and there to end the first round—the taunting smirk on Boman’s face only solidified his resolve.

So Calum brought his fists up and let one fly towards Boman’s face, his opponent reaching up to defend himself, until at the last second Calum’s right hand uncurled and slapped against Boman’s neck and brought his knee up to bury it right in Boman’s side, using the leverage on Boman’s neck to pull him down.

He watched, chin lifting in satisfaction as Boman fell onto the canvas with a thud, gripping his side with a groan and pressing his forehead and nose onto the floor where he lay. When those gathered around the ring began counting, Calum crouched down, arms briefly resting on his knees as he advised tautly, “I’d stay down if I were you.”

Boman didn’t even acknowledge him as the number ten roared from everyone’s mouth, signaling the end of the first round as Calum stood up and went to his corner, where Ashton was already leaning into the ring from where he stood down below. “That didn’t take too long,” Ashton commented with a small grin, handing Calum a water bottle and a small towel.

Calum let out a droll snort, taking a long sip of the cold water before handing back the half empty bottle back to Ashton, using the towel to wipe off the barely there swear that had gathered on his skin. Darryl should really invest in getting new air conditioners for Astros.

“He kept saying something to you, didn’t he?” Ashton questioned, furrowing his brows up at Calum. “What was it?”

Without a thought, Calum’s gaze flickered a bit forwards behind Ashton, where his small group of friends stood. As usual, in the front of the rumbling crowd, talking amongst themselves as everyone waited for the next round to start in just a few short moments. His eyes wandered towards her, and Calum resisted the urge to swallow.

How is it that after knocking someone to the ground, Calum didn’t feel the quick beating of his heart until the moment his eyes landed on Noelle? Didn’t feel his adrenaline pumping until he saw her dimpled grin, didn’t feel his stomach twisting indescribably at how comfortable she looked? A vast difference from when she first came to Astros, arms wrapped around her body to shield herself from unwanted stares. She hasn’t been here nearly as long as Beverly has, and she may still stick out in the crowd, but she seemed so confident where she stood. It both comforted Calum and made him bristle.

She didn’t belong here, but he selfishly wanted her to stay.

And when her light eyes just happened to lock with his, Calum saw the way her grin slowly dissipated at the sight of him already staring at her, being replaced by lips parted in mild surprise before the corners of them tilted up slightly. Noelle offered him a small smile from where she stood, and Calum swore he hadn’t expected the pleasant tightness in his chest as a result.

“Just talking shit,” Calum finally responded vaguely to Ashton’s questions, right when the bell rang to signal the start of the second round.

Calum dropped the towel to Ashton as the older guy went back to stand with the others after calling out good luck over the yelling of the crowd. Turning back to face the ring, ignoring the gazes that were directed his way yet feeling a particular girl’s hazel eyed one burn his back, Calum’s own eyes landed on Boman, who was back up on his feet.

When he smirked wolfishly, Calum raised an unimpressed eyebrow, wondering what the hell’s gotten him so smug when he lost the previous round. “Honestly, Hood, I didn’t see you as the one-girl kinda guy,” Boman quipped, sniffing as he rubbed the bottom of his nose with the back of his hand before fisting both of them and jutting his chin to the group standing behind Calum, deaf to Boman’s words. “But if I had a pretty little thing like that around, I might consider it, too.”

Calum knew he was antagonizing him. Boman was all bark and no bite, not the best fighter in Astros but could hold his own if needed. But the more he spoke, the more irritated Calum grew; the ring was meant for fighting, not whatever the fuck Boman was doing. Calum was only just trying to discern what the fuck he felt when it came to Noelle—he didn’t need Boman trying to throw him off with the shit he was spewing.

Calum’s fist tightened, eyebrows twitching. He had it with him.

♔♔♔♔♔

Blood was staining Calum’s bruised knuckles, the liquid warm against his already heated skin. He hadn’t meant to break Boman’s nose, but he’d be lying if he said there wasn’t a swell of satisfaction that coursed through him when he heard the unmistakable crunch between Boman’s face and Calum’s knuckles. His own hand may be hurting, but he won.

After he was announced the winner, Calum didn’t give Boman a chance to limp out of the ring. Instead, he grabbed the front of the guy’s tank top, feeling everyone’s curious gazes and hearing their intrigued chatter like a hum in his ears as he pulled Boman closer. Boman’s eyes were wide, blood coloring his nose as he meekly struggled against Calum’s grip. The Australian wanted to smirk; wasn’t so tough now, was he?

“Think twice before trying to piss me off, yeah?” Calum darkly advised, his face unapologetically getting into Boman’s personal space—who didn’t even try to use his hands to break free. “Otherwise next time I’ll stick by my promise and give you some broken teeth to go with that nose.”

When Boman’s Adam’s apple bobbed viciously in his throat, alarmed eyes staring into Calum’s glaring ones, the latter knew he got the message across. It was pathetic, really, how Boman had been spitting out remarks here and there about Noelle during the fight but now here he was, nursing a broken nose for not being able to defend himself for the shit he said.

He let go of the dumbass, watching as Boman stumbled back a few steps before sliding out of the ring on the opposite side, and Calum turned to do the same where he saw his group waiting for him. When his hand gripped the ropes to pull them apart so he could get through, Calum’s jaw clenched at the sharp pain that spread from his knuckles, which were probably bruised under the blood smeared them.

“What the hell was that about?” Michael questioned as soon as Calum’s feet touched the ground. “What were you getting in Boman’s face for?”

Calum took the towel from Ashton with his non-bloody hand, wiping at the sweat glistening his neck. “Talked too much shit instead of fighting,” he responded smoothly, still feeling that small spark of anger when he thought of Boman’s words. Most of his aggression was taken out on the ring, but Calum would be lying if he said he had gotten rid of all of his frustration caused by Boman’s comments about Noelle.

As she fluttered through his mind, Calum’s gaze landed on Noelle almost instinctively, towel still rubbing at the back of his neck as he peered at her. He wondered what she thought, if she was used to seeing him do what he does on the ring, and Calum found himself indulging in on why Noelle’s opinion would matter. She snuck up on him, and while Calum prefered to be prepared for any hit coming his way, he hadn’t been ready for her.

Luke’s amused snort pulled Calum out of his musings. “I thought you didn’t care if people trash talked you?”

Calum’s expression was cool as he looked at his blonde friend. “I don’t.”

He wasn’t going to expand on that, because by the look on Beverly’s face, Calum knew that she knew exactly what happened. The small smile quirking at her lips told him as much.

Half an hour later he found himself in Ashton’s apartment for a post-fight chill time, as per usual. Calum was in the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of water for himself since he would be driving to go home, when he heard footsteps enter the kitchen. “Boman totally got under your skin about Noelle, didn’t he?”

He turned around, catching sight of Beverly’s knowing, triumphant smirk which only caused him to bristle ever so slightly. “If you already know the answer, why’re you asking?”

“Because I wanna hear it from you,” Beverly shrugged nonchalantly, crossing her arms over her chest. Leaning against the entryway frame, she mused, “Tell me, Cal, do you like my sister?”

Calum’s grip on the water bottle tightened, the plastic crinkling as his eyes widened ever so slightly, not expecting Beverly to ask him so flat out, so boldly. He was good at reading people—he should’ve seen this coming from Beverly. “I—” He stopped, clenching his jaw as he rushed through the very thoughts in his mind that had been plaguing him for countless days. Did he like Noelle? Was it just a physical attraction or did he actually have feelings for her? He knew the answer to the first part was a definite yes—Noelle was gorgeous beyond belief and Calum was a warm blooded male after all—but to look for something deeper?

He may not be vocal about it, but Calum liked being in relationships. His last one was in high school, a relationship that lasted for about a year with his old chemistry lab partner, Violet, who was now engaged. Calum enjoyed being with someone, the level of intimacy that came with it rather than just a meaningless hook up, which he knew his friends sometimes found it hard to believe since he was more prone to participate in the former than the latter. But it wasn’t his fault he hadn’t met someone since high school who he genuinely had an interest in to pursue something more.

Then Noelle came along, and now Calum wasn’t so sure anymore.

Beverly walking further into the kitchen as she leveled him with a pointed look. “Come on, Calum,” she began with a light, knowing laugh. He twitched, noticing the amusement dancing in her features. “Like, I’m not forcing you to say you have feelings for Noelle or whatever but I’m just saying—there’s gotta be something there, right? I mean, you broke Boman’s nose and nearly your hand because of the shit he was saying about her!” Beverly exclaimed, gesturing to Calum’s right hand, where the knuckles beneath his rings were an angry, purplish red from the ferocity of his punches tonight.

He glanced down at his hand, which truly didn’t even hurt because if his knuckles still gave him hell after nearly three years of doing this, then that was pathetic.

When Calum looked back up to respond to Beverly, his thoughts stilled and words were lost because instead of his gaze meeting Beverly’s light brown eyes, it met Noelle’s hazel ones. Wide and startled and completely taken aback.

Calum’s shoulders squared, lips pursing into a thin line as his mildly alarmed gaze remained on Noelle lingering in the entryway, schooling his expression to not give away the brief wave of disconcert that passed through him at her presence. How long had she been standing there? What did she hear? Calum didn’t like the way his throat suddenly seemed so dry despite the water he was almost finished with.

Beverly frowned, realizing Calum was looking behind her as she glanced over her shoulders, lips parting in surprise at the sight of her younger sister. “Oh. Oh, geez, crap,” she stumbled over her words, knowing that just by the look on Noelle’s face, she had heard what Calum did.

Noelle finding out the guy she liked broke some asshole’s nose for talking shit about her, even if it was during a planned fight? Beverly deemed Noelle’s frozen reaction appropriate.

“I’m just—” Beverly started, turning back around to look at Calum, shooting him a sheepish grin when she noticed his glare now directed towards her. “I’m gonna, uh, go.”

She exited swiftly, expertly avoiding Noelle’s probing, slightly panicked eyes before disappearing down the hall, leaving an tensely awkward silence in her wake. Calum could hear his mates in the living room, but their mingling voices were distance as the sight of Noelle rendered him incapable of hearing anything but the annoyingly loud beating of his heart and the sharp intake of air Noelle just took.

“You didn’t—” Calum kept his gaze on her as she spoke up, pausing as her eyebrows furrowed slightly, taking a few steps into the kitchen. The area wasn’t too big, but Calum still couldn’t help but notice that she seemed too far away. “You didn’t actually break his nose because of me, did you? It—You did it because of the fight, right?”

He easily picked up on the hesitant, doubtful tone of Noelle’s voice, eyeing him in genuine surprise and curiosity. Was she surprised that he would break someone’s noise? Or that there was a chance he did it as a way of defending her? This wasn’t the first time Calum’s defended Noelle since meeting her—hell, this wasn’t even if the first time he’s defended her against Boman. Or was she afraid that Calum was capable of doing something like that for her? No. . . That wasn’t it. There was no fear in her features, or in her voice, and Calum immediately put that thought out of his head. She wasn’t afraid of him.

And in that moment, with her hazel eyes holding so many questions and her pretty lips parted in wonder, Calum decided this wasn’t going to be the last time he would defend Noelle. Broken knuckles be damned.

Calum placed the water bottle on the counter behind him, crossing his arms over his chest as he met Noelle’s gaze unapologetically. “Both. But mostly for you.”

tags: @aphroditebeautyshit @cartiercalum @modelukes @tothemoonmikey @candidcalum @perfectlycake @cakestan @lukesback @polarizehood @vaporlewk @luke2k18 @biggestslutforcalum @kinkycorbyn @nostalgia-luke @captain-what-is-going-on @hoodstations @calumamore @thesamebutwonderfullydifferent @rosecth @aghostofmgc @mollypayge @o-cece-d @hemmohales @crownedbyluke @vscsng @invisiblexcth @lukes-youngblood @sunflowertoejam @5sos-stan4lyfe @vistaviola @clum-thomas @justalittleofmyworld @babygirlcashton @ashsthetic @bahylon @angelbbycal @egyptiangoldhood @julianniez @morethanalover @romanticalumhood

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des-seras · 5 years

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Ugh Roommates Prt. 19 (Damian x Male Reader)

You wondered trough the arcade hoping to find a game that was to your liking. After wondering a bit, you were unable to find a game that motivated you to play on. It was a pity because, there a lot of games to try out. So, you decided to come back when you did not feel so odd. On your way you stop in your tracks. You saw it. The game that you have been looking for months now. Maximum Tune 2. You rubbed your eyes and slowly walked towards it, trying not get your hopes up. Once you arrived to the machine you grinned in joy and disbelief. It was Maximum Tune 2. You quickly got your wallet and ran to get tokens so you play. Not caring if it did not have manual settings or that it did not have the option to insert your card. You just wanted to play and after inserting the tokens, you pulled out the card and inserted it into the game.

You felt ecstatic since you’ve been itching to play this game for a really long time now and because of that you lost track of time. Being struck by hunger is a good way to know that you needed to do another activity. So, you decided to go to a fast food and eat. It felt odd to eat alone in a place like this. Usually you had some sort of company to prevent these feelings of loneliness and frustration to surface. Finishing your meal as quickly as possible not because you were feeling a bit bummed out but, because you were in Gotham. That meant that it wasn’t a god idea to be out especially if you weren’t familiar with the city. But before going back to your dorm you went to a convenience store to buy some snacks and possible meals for the week.

On your way back to your dorm you heard loud noises. You looked around for a store to hide in just in case it was villain. But all of the stores seemed closed so your best option was to find an alley and open a portal to campus. You searched multiple alleyways but they seemed to have something going on. Yet no matter how far you walked the noises seemed to follow you. Eventually you find a place open the portal but a part of your head felt cold followed buy a gun shot. A shadow fell from the sky making loud splat. This caused you to be frozen in place; your breathing became erratic and your ears were ringing. Arms reached and caressed you, a soothing voiced tried to calm you. As a reflexed you hugged the stranger that was soon followed by a whimper. The voice spoke but you were in so much shock the at the moment you didn’t care. You held them as if your life depended on it. Minutes passed and you finally calmed down.

“Better?” The voice asked and you nod in response. You compose yourself and pull away from the person. “That’s good. Wouldn’t want you to be hurt or anything.”, the voice chuckled. You pulled yourself back so you could see who it was. Upon seeing who it was you bitterly glared and pushed them.

“The fuck Cal?”, you hissed slapping his chest causing him to laugh. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that okay? I was hunting a creature down and The Bat arrived and totally got in the way. Causing the creature to act even more dangerously. Meaning that not only to deal with the thing I also had Batman up my ass too. So long story short; I’m really sorry that I shot the gun near your ear. I really am.”, he pleaded while placing his arms on your shoulders. All you could do was sigh because you knew that he meant it. He wasn’t stupid but, it didn’t mean that he was off the hook with you. “Yeah sure whatever Caliban.”, you murmured heading out of the alleyway. Caliban followed suit not wanting to leave you alone.

“So, what brings to Gotham?”, you asked feeling a bit annoyed by his presence.

“Work, sadly.” He sighed taking out his phone to make a call you presumed. “Yeah it’s done. I’ll send you the address so you can pick it up. I know. Yeah. By the way you might want to hurry. The Bat saw it so, yeah. Anyway bye.” He said hanging up and proceeded to send a text.

“I see that business is well.” You stated raising a brow. Caliban yawned while stretching his arms. “Business is always good kitten. It always is.” He grinned wrapping an arm around your shoulder bringing you closer to him. You chuckled. “So how are you feeling, [N/Name]?”

“My head and ears still fucking hurt. I don’t know if I’m gonna go deaf or something plus my sucks but, you know what-” “Okay I get just turn around kid.” Caliban interjected so that you would stop complaining. Even though you were peeved that not he shot a gun near your head he also had the audacity to interrupt your much-deserved whining you did what you were told. “Alright just relax and close your eyes [N/Name]” he ordered and you complied. Knowing what he was going to do. A few seconds pass and you feel hands on your face, then you feel warmth caress you head making you feel at ease. Slowly the warmth leaves and so does Caliban’s hands. “Better?” He asked and you nod. “Good. So, where’s your place?” Asked while he continued your walk.

“Uh, at Gotham University’s dorms.” You answered catching up to him.

“Okay.” He said. You looked at him confused; since he didn’t come up with dumb question or a witty remark but, you chose not to say anything about it. You and Caliban continued talking about the little things and stuff. It was fun talking to him.

After a bit more of walking you finally arrived to campus. Caliban pulled you into a hug, gave you his new number and left. Which you found weird but then you remembered that Batman was probably looking for him. Especially after Caliban shot whatever it was that he shot in the alley. You thought that you should check that out later because right now you were kind of tired and your arms felt heavy from carrying your snacks that you forgot about.

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kpop-pick-me-up · 6 years

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To anyone struggling with any eating problems or disorder, questioning, suspects someone else may have one, or knows nothing real about them please read this.

This might take some up some space and be a bit all over the place, but I’m not in a good place right now. And I don’t care if you read it or not, but I need somewhere to talk about this and to record my progress and set backs. This also may be triggering to some so if you’re sensitive to this topic please don’t read.

It all started when I wanted to lose some weight, because I hated myself and thought it would help me with depression. I was 14 and 187 lbs. I saw no problems with anyone else being the same weight, or weighing more than that. Just me.

So during the summer before 9th grade, I started to diet. It all started out well and good, and I ate how I thought was healthy. I didn’t eat breakfast, for lunch at 12:30 I ate cashews and for dinner I had rice and veggies. Thankfully I didn’t know how to count calories properly yet because I thought I was eating the set 600-700 calories a dayi said I could have, but I was actually eating close to 1400 Cals a day, because I had misread information I found online. I was exercising from 8:00am-12:10pm every week day and didn’t know nor care about form or proper care. I started seeing a therapist but I could never talk to her and when I did I simply lied.

When 9th grade hit I was 20lbs lighter but I couldn’t see it, and I still don’t. People told me I had lost, but I didn’t believe them. I stopped eating real lunches at school and blamed it on my anxiety about eating in front of people (which was partially to blame) and only ate a little bit so my stomach wouldn’t growl. I would eat it so quickly people started asking if I was even eating at school. But no body knew I had an eating problem, not even myself. And nobody bothered to ask. I still exercised for 1-2 hours and panicked and felt depressed if I didn’t. But I still wasn’t skinny. I counted calories like a beast and measured everything, to the point where it didn’t matter what was in my food all that mattered was how many calories I ate. I was obsessed with it. If I went over 1400-1500 calories I had failed and would hate myself till the next day. I had gotten into cooking and bakin at this time so I was finally understanding how everything really worked and I hated it. I also became a vegetarian and changed my eating habits again.

Anything anyone said to me stuck to me like glue. Even if it was a harmless joke or a jab between friends. I’m not saying it was their fault because it wasn’t, they simply just didn’t know. But here’s some examples of things people have said to me throughout my life that I will never say to anyone else. No matter how harmless they seemed

“You ate that so fast you’re such a pig *laughs*”

“I need to go the gym and do REAL work. Non of that useless at-home crap.”

“You has such chubby cheeks a few years ago”

“You were so round in pictures when you were younger”

“You’re fat”

“Your father was on the phone with me and he called you fat”

10th grade started and after a summer of “dieting” and exercise I lost another 10 lbs so was down to 150. For once since I had started I felt a little bit of happiness about my progress even if I didn’t see it. But it was short lived.

I fell into a really bad depression throughout 10th grade and started turning towards music to help. This was the time I started cutting back on food even more, I’d skip one meal and eat only two. But this caused my disorder to evolve. When I was with other people like friends or family I had begun to eat so much like I was binging out because I was subconsciously scared they would find out about me skipping meals. If I ate a lot in their presence they would never know right? After those binging sessions I’d feel so guilty. I would eat even less then before in hopes to make up for my mistakes. I can still tell you what some of my worst binge sessions were, what I ate and how much because I STILL feel guilty.

Having an unidentified eating disorder, anxiety, and depression was like living in a war zone. The depression encourages self hatred and suicidal thoughts, but brought lethargy and the inability to focus on any work that was put in front of me. I was always so, so tired. The anxiety triggered more depression by making me fear the worst for my future, my health and everything that was going on. It told me that if I starved myself I’d gain weight, and that I needed to eat more or else my family would find out. But my UED (unidentified eating disorder) told all of that to shut up, and to get up and exercise more and eat less.

I began to prioritize my weight loss and exercise over everything else. Family visits, going out with friends, and school. My grades dropped a little bit in classes I wasn’t naturally good in, and I quit piano. Something I have been doing since I was 5 years old. But still nobody asked if I was okay. All they cared about was my decisions and judged me for them without asking “why”. And I don’t blame them because I was still chubby, bubbly and acted fine.

I got snappy with family and I grew distant from my mother and friends and argued with my mother 95% of the time. I’d only see my friends once a month if that and only left the house for walks or grocery shopping with my mom occasionally. My mom and I had a huge fight (and this was when I quit piano) and I stopped going to therapy. I hadn’t been in months anyway, I told my mom it was okay and I didn’t need it but I did. I was just too embarrassed to say so.

That spring I finally worked up the courage through listening to music and watching a video about a particular person who I had been looking up to, (more about this person in another post if you’d like) to finally tell my sister and one of my best friends about my problems, through text messages. I was so scared but they supported me and it felt strange. I wasn’t completely relieved, but it was a little better.

This summer-with the help of the musicians I was listening to- I told someone about this for the first time face-to-face. It took me 20 minutes to get the first word out I was feeling so many things. I was scared, ashamed, frustrated, and exhausted. So I sat there with my mouth hanging open only letting out unintelligible sounds as “words” because I couldn’t form them. For 20 minutes. But she just sat there patiently and told me it was okay. So I told her.

I was going to tell the rest of my family but I kept chickening out and things kept getting in the way. But it was summer, and I wasn’t going to let this ruin that for me. Then the opposite of what I wanted to happen happened, I hit a very bad low.

I was staying at my sisters house and this was basically my only “vacation” for the summer. So I let my binge eating control me. I ate whatever I wanted whenever and even if I didn’t want it I forced myself to eat because I wanted my sister to think I was okay. But I hated how I felt. I had been eating healthy foods for so long and exercising regularly that this was making me feel sick, and gross. I hated everything about myself from the way I looked and the way I felt. But I realized how much I enjoyed being healthy, eating right and exercising a little.

So I said to myself that I can get out of this mess on my own because it was getting exhausting. This couldn’t control me like this anymore. So I made a deal with my friend to eat healthy regularly and I was off. I promised her I would stay on track and not over exercise anymore.

The guilt was still there but it got a little easier to eat something for breakfast and lunch even if it was just pieces of fruit or small snacks. It was a start. A month went by and with some bad days, some good was able to make myself eat full meals regularly. The support from my friend was what got me through this and I knew I could always lean on her. Now the physical part was down, but the mental self-hatred and guilt was still, and is still there. I started to enjoy exercising again and even started learning Kpop dances with my friend as part of my schedule even if I sucked at them. I was having fun, and bonding with a friend. I started feeling a little better about myself. But just like last time, it didn’t last long.

The thoughts were beginning to get louder and I still fought to shut them out. But today, I had to get weighed again for the first time in a year. Only to discover that after all of that hard work, I gained almost 10 lbs.

I acted normal until I got home, I messaged my friend telling her I wasn’t doing okay, and as soon as I was alone I cried. I cried so much because I was frustrated with myself, I cried because I shouldn’t have had that 1-2 cheat day meal(s) we said we could have a month. I cried because my thoughts were coming back like an ambush telling me so many contradicting things. “This is because you starved yourself” “this is because you started eating again” “this wouldn’t have happened if you had just stayed quiet and never told anyone” “you should call someone.” And lastly, I cried because I felt lost and hopeless. I felt as though nothing was working and I would never be able to be normal again. At this point either side of the argument could have one and taken over.

When I calmed down and was able to breathe a sat on the couch an said I deserved to take a break today. A break from the schedule, a break from everything. I remembered what the people I look up to said, I reached out to help myself by writing this post.

I’m going to write updates here, so people like me or people who aren’t sure where their at, or just don’t know what to do anymore can come and try to get better with me. I’m not saying I can cure you because I’m not a professional, but sometimes just knowing you’re not alone and that ordinary people are going through this as well can help you. If you have trouble talking to people about this stuff face to face, my dms are open at all times. You don’t even have to tell me who you are or about yourself. Yo I can be anonymous. Just tell me anything and I’ll listen. What makes you happy, what makes you sad, your story, pictures of your pet I don’t care. I’m on a journey of slow healing right now to help me to love and appreciate myself. And if I can help even just one person by doing updates and getting as real as possible I will keep doing it.

Despite this negative post, if you struggle with any mental health issues at all, body image, stress, or even if you’re just here to help a friend, just know that you are worth it even if you don’t think that about yourself. Think of your friends and family, and about how much you care about them. If you feel like there’s nobody in your life that cares then you’re wrong because I care. If you can’t live and fight this battle for yourself yet, and don’t believe in yourself then it’s 100% okay to fight because something else motivates you until you gain enough strength to truely fight and live for yourself. Fight because you want to go to a concert in the future, fight to see the next album your favorite musician drops, fight because you promised a friend, fight because you have a pet that adores you, fight so you can watch a YouTube video, just find something to fight for even if it’s small or people don’t understand.

I hope this was helpful even if it is terribly written because I’m currently an emotional wreck XD. So sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. I’ll probably be making an insta to talk to people on there because I’m quite a noob to tumblr.

Thank you to whoever listened, or if nobody did it doesn’t matter. Because I made a promise to this post that I’ll get better.

~Deepsheep

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av3da · 6 years

Text

i don’t have anything to say about this one but uh there wasn’t as much fluff as i wanted but like i’m still uninspired so oof i’m so sorry for this terrible-ness. luv y’all though!

includes: drinking & swearing (barely??}

1977 words

fidelity – jasmine thompson

"With the number of times you've said something like this to me, it's kind of hard to believe if you're telling the truth this time." I rolled my eyes as I held my phone between my shoulder and my ear, folding my laundry while doing so. My fingers lightly trembled as I made the fabric pleat together quickly but nervously.

"Yeah, well... it’s real. We can’t keep doing this, and I can’t keep subduing myself to this misery. I'm done, which makes us done. Have a nice life." The voice retorted, ending the conversation with a raised tone which frightened me, making me jump and my phone slip from my shoulder.

That was my now ex-boyfriend, but as I said to him if he was being serious. And even so, if you loved someone so much, how could you choose the easy way out by leaving every time hit things got tough, even in the slightest. We'd always get into fights where I was convinced we were going to break up, only for me to fix things before they were forever broken. It seemed like he always just wanted to break up with me rather than to tough it out, and that's toxic for a person's mind to withstand for months at a time.

I picked up my phone and let out a sigh, this hasn't been the first time something like this has happened to our relationship, so I really wasn't sure if it was real or not this time around, if he would call me in a few minutes or text me an hour later after the loneliness caught up with him that quickly. And for that reason, I couldn't bring myself to react accordingly.

I tossed my phone across the hall to land on my bed, walking away to the living room with the empty laundry basket, nearly having a heart attack as I turned the corner, dropping the contents in my grip.

"What the fudge?" I shouted, making the four boys jump as well and turn to face me, all with food stuffed into their mouths.

"Fudge, really?" Michael replied, picking up the bag of Doritos again and eating straight from the bag.

"It's a new thing, I'm censoring myself..." I tried to defend myself, pouting slightly before remembering that they all just intruded into my house. I marched up to Calum and poked him firmly in the chest before grabbing the Doritos from Michael to eat them myself, "The key is for emergencies. Don't make me take it back."

"It was an emergency though!" Luke cried out, holding his stomach that he stuck out, then pointing to his mouth to signal his hungriness.

"You're rock stars, you can get free food like anywhere. Just call Crystal for some PR deals, sure she can hook it up." I replied with a sight snarky tone that was unintentional, surely blowing my cover. I huffed gently and just walked off to my living room, continuing to eat the nacho Doritos.

"Is it the time of the month?" A voice spoke out and I didn't have to look to know it was Ashton.

I snarled and rolled my eyes, looking back at the boy with a death glare, "Excuse me? Is it my time of the month? So I can't have emotions unless I'm on my period?" I slowly stood as I spoke my words in a low voice.

"Be careful boys, it's a snake habitat..." Michael replied, placing his arms across is friends chest, slowly backing them up.

Calum just sighed and pushed Mike's arm off of him and walked towards me, coming forward to reach out for my hands, "Love, what's going on?" His tone was soft and sweet, and it warmed my heart at how caring he was to me.

"I don't know, I think we broke up but I don't know. It's been like a half an hour, and he hasn't said anything else and he's done this before, like five times. I just don't know." I let it all out, something about Calum made it so easy to tell him that, considering I haven't told any of my friends about my relationship.

His eyes softened and he pulled me in for a really tight hug, closing my eyes so I didn't have to look at the other boys that I knew were just standing there awkwardly.

"Can we take you to one of our parties tonight? We'll get a makeup designer and a stylist for you, our treat." Ashton spoke up, his form of an apology and I admired him trying. While as stupid as it sounded to go partying literally post-breakup, but I wasn't feeling the right emotions of a breakup other than the anger, and maybe I needed to go out.

"Look, you don't have to, but we haven't hung out with you in so long because your boyfriend never wanted us alone with you, which is stupid. We're like family, please come." Luke chimed in, shrugging his shoulders. What he said was true, I've known these boys for so long and they've been by my side as much as they could and as much as they were in the area. I loved them with all of my being and I couldn't ask for better friends.

I just sighed and nodded, explaining to them that I didn't anyone else's help and that I just wanted to do all of that personally. Then Ashton yelled at me to start getting ready because they knew it would take me an hour or two if I wanted to go full glam, in which I did.

By the time I made my way back downstairs to greet the boys, not reasoning in my head that I had taken an hour to get ready, they were gone. I checked how I looked in the mirror by the front door one last time before picking up my phone and sauntering out of my home. A laugh fell from my lips as a Range Rover sat in the parking lot, Ashton in the driver seat and Luke riding passenger. I strolled up the vehicle and climbed into the back, squealing softly as bowls of my favorite candy surrounded me.

"How did you do all of this in an hour and a half?" I asked them before taking a handful of pink unwrapped Starburst, trying to pull them apart so I wasn’t just stuffing a pink wad into my mouth.

"You said it yourself, we're rock stars. We get what we want," Luke replied, watching me in the rearview and laughing at my childish excitement for the sweets, "Cal and Michael are already at the party, they're a little too impatient to start drinking."

Oh great, we're going to get shit-faced tonight.

A few minutes passed and we pulled into the party venue, which looked to be some hot shot's mansion, people already spilling in and out of the house, all accessorized with plastic cups. Luke was quick to get out of the vehicle, then opening my door and putting his hand out for me to grab as I got out of the automobile. I thanked him for gentlemanliness as the three of us waltzed inside together.

The first person I noticed when I walked into the house was Calum, he was sitting on the couch next to Michael and a bunch of girls that were probably Instagram models. He was laughing at what seemed to be a terrible joke from Michael, and his smile was so bright it was like it illuminated the room.

Both Ashton and Luke have their hand on my shoulders, shimmying our group through the group of dancing people, leading us to our friends. I looked around the room, slightly in awe of my surroundings as this was my first party.

"Wow... you look breathtaking." A voice said in my direction, causing me to look forward to where it came from. Calum.

A deep flush mounted my cheeks, they would usually compliment me but there was something about the way that he was acting towards me lately. More protective, jealous, and kinder than ever. A non-existent lump formed itself in my throat as I tried to marshal any words to respond to the boy who slightly towered over me.

He then took my left hand and lifted it to his lips, a sparkle in his eyes as he looked into mine again. This was new, but I definitely cherished the newfound gestures. He then turned around to hand me his cup, and I definitely wanted whatever he was having, taking a sip immediately

Tonight is going to be a night to remember, or a night that I wouldn't be able to remember in the morning.

I laughed loudly and grabbed Calum's hand, pulling him to the bar where I ordered a few shots, the drink didn't matter, they all burned my throat the same. After that, I don't remember drinking more or to be exact, what I drank but I was having the night of my life and it was really good to forget everything and the pain I had endured for the months I was with my last boyfriend.

Calum never left my side since I arrived at the mansion, and he clearly didn't want to. We danced together, played drinking games with the other three boys that were a tad difficult to track down, and just really enjoyed each other presence. Well, as much as you could enjoy another person with ample liquor in your system.

"Hey, babe! Can I tell you something real quick?" Calum started over the music as we danced like drunk idiots on the dancefloor that was really just a beige carpet that was probably perfect before this party but now stained with a multitude of liquids.

"Yeah?" I replied, shaking my head around while throwing my arms in the air, swaying my hips to the music. I didn't know what they were playing truthfully.

"This might not be a good time to mention this, and maybe too soon for your situation, but I'm kind of in love with you. And I don't expect you to feel the same or anything, but I drank a looooooot of liquid courage in the past two hours, so I'm like brave as hell right now." He told me, still moving to the beat as he watched, snaking his arm around my waist as I stumbled around slightly.

I giggled at his words, trying to retain the information he was giving me but my head pounded to the music that was entering my ears, so instead of saying anything, I just got close to him with my arms around his neck and danced against his body. His words didn't make much sense to me and it was because of the alcohol coursing through my veins. He seemed pretty delighted to how I replied though, pulling me closer as we continued to dance on the other.

My eyes fluttered open, a low groan emitting my throat as I looked around, a bright sunlight coming through the window sill that was directly in front of me. My hand went to touch my forehead, grimacing as the hangover pains started taking it's course already. As I tenderly shuddered from the brisk air hitting my bare skin, I recognized my elegant dress from the previous night was gone.

I look to my left and saw a half-naked Calum Hood, gasping rather loudly but not boisterous enough to wake the heavy sleeper next to me. I then shrunk back under the covers, glancing around the room as I knew what this could mean.

"Fudge..."

#imagine #writing #calum hood #calum 5sos #calum #calum 5 seconds of summer #calum imagine #calum hood imagine #5sos #5sos imagine #requested

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cloudyskyofstars · 6 years

Text

Used To It

Calfreezy x Reader

Warnings: Smuttttyyyy and swearing (duh.)

Notes: Requests are open! Feedback always appreciated!

Today, something happened I didn’t expect to happen.

Tobi, Jj, Josh, Simon, Cal and I were filming a vid for Simon’s channel. He wanted his vid to be a sort of say, forfeit one. We were in the sidemen house doing a house football challenge and the loser had to do the punishment/forfeit. Being the only girl there, I was kind of nervous too if I was to lose what would happen.

The way it would work is that if you were last or took the most shots, you got a point. The person with the most points at the end does the forfeit.

It started off with us doing a mini track around the house and some challenges like scoring in a bucket or a net, shooting it down the stairs and into a goal, like typical things in a football vid.

The challenge first up was the mini track around the house. Simon started off since it was his videos, he did good managing a time of 1:34:23, despite having a few mess ups and going out of bounds a little. The second challenger was Josh. He had a time of 1:45:17, because of the trip he had at the very beginning. Cal was up next, seeing as how excited he was to do. He managed a time of 1:35:45, only a little more than a second more behind Simon, but he had little or no mess ups at all. Jj was the following person, he did worse than Josh with a time of 1:55:29. He decided it was a good idea to be cocky and ended up failing in the end. Tobi was up next and he got the top time of 1:32:59, he jumped up in joy and laughed letting out a big whoop.

Then there was me. I went last knowing I would fail the hardest. I was correct just saying. I ended with a time of 2:10:41, a lot slower than the rest of the guys. I earned one point because of it.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. You’ll do better next time.” Cal said sympathetically. He knew I feel like I wasn’t but he just wanted to cheer me up.

The next challenge was to score a football in a bucket. You stand in the kitchen doorways while there was a bucket by the stairs. You would think it would be an easy challenge considering how close the two are but no. The bucket as only so big that the football just fit in with maybe two inches to spare all around. That’s not a lot of room.

The order continued starting with Simon again. To save the boring details, I lost again by a single try. Cal placed first this time, followed by Tobi, Simon, Josh, Jj and lastly, me. By this point it was guaranteed I was doing the forfeit because there were only three challenges.

The last challenge was an actual fairly simple one. You again stood in the kitchen and passed a ball through the doors, under the stairs and into the room across it, hoping it would land in the mini goal. I decided to go first this time because I was honestly done with this shit by now.

I got the goal within 8 shots, a number that would surely make me last again. The order continued like it would have. Simon got it on his first shot, Josh had it on his fifth, Tobi is third, Cal his second and Jj his sixth.

It was official. I was now definitely doing the forfeit. Cal came up to me after and tried to comfort me but, he ended up just making me more nervous to do my forfeit.

“Y/N, it can’t be that bad. What’s the worst thing they can do?” He said. I just glared at him.

“Do you even know your own friends?”

“Yeah. So, you’re probably right, I know it won’t be an easy forfeit.”

We all gathered in their living room area where the couch was. We all sat down together, me sitting beside Cal with him on my right and Tobi on my left.

“Alright guys, as you can probably already know, Y/N lost the challenge by claiming all three points. She doesn’t know what her forfeit is yet but the guys and I have discussed it and we think we have a good one.” Simon said with a grin and a hint of eagerness.

I paid attention a little more considering I am doing the forfeit and I have to know.

“So, who wants to break it to her?” Josh said. I got a little more confused as he said this. Was it that bad that no one wanted to tell me?

“I guess I will…. Besides, I’ll be doing it to her anyway. I’m not letting you fuckers touch her.” Cal said obviously. I looked over at Tobi and I saw the look of sympathy in his eyes. I looked at Jj and he was smirking, probably knowing it will be awkward to do it.

“What the fuck do you mean by you’re doing it to me? What are you doing?” I said with confusing and a hint of angriness.

“I have to spank you over my knee…” He trails off. I give my boyfriend a glare, stating without words, “You aren’t doing this to me.” I honestly can’t believe they would make me do that. If it was anyone else, they would do some stupid forfeit like eating a lemon or drinking some hot sauce. But of course, because I’m a girl, and I have a boyfriend in the room, they’re going to make me do something dirty.

“Do I really have to do this?” I whine.

“I’m afraid you do, Y/N. It’s part of the challenge.” Simon says with a cheeky grin on his face.

Cal whispered something under his breath that I’m guessing he thought no one heard but someone did. Jj did. He suddenly busted out laughing and with a slight shock face on.

“What are you laughing at?” Josh said inquisitively.

“Did you hear what Cal said?” Jj kept laughing. That’s when I look over to Cal and see his eyes wide and turn a little bit red.

“No… what did he say Jide?” Tobi asked.

“He said, it’s not like it’s a big deal. I do it all the time.” Jj said uncontrollably laughing.

I turned to face Cal immediately wondering why the fuck he would say that under his breath around people.

“Sorry?” Cal said.

Before I could start to bite back and yell at Cal, Simon cut me off and said to get on with me forfeit. I rolled my eyes, huffed out but ultimately, I was going to end up doing it. I got closer to Cal and give him a quick kiss.

“You’re going to owe me for this,” I said whispering in his ear. He looked up to me.

“Maybe I’ll just spank you again because I know you love it so much.” He said whisper soft in retaliation. He knew how that made me feel. I know I enjoy it, but I don’t necessarily want the whole world to know.

“Ok lovebirds, cut it out. Now Y/N, bend over and get to it since you’re so used to it.” Simon said trying to hold back his laughter. I just glared back at him.

Cal shifts to the edge of the couch, giving me enough room on his knees from me to lay on. I get on my knees slowly beside him and then bending over. Usually, I won’t mind this and it wouldn’t be awkward but when you have four other boys in the room staring at you plus a rolling camera… you get a little freaked out.

“Just calm down,” Cal whispered soothingly. “You’ll get the real thing later. I won’t hit hard and just try to put on a show for them.”

I nodded trusting what he is saying and brace for it. Cal’s definition of hard and soft are different from the normal. His soft is still hard enough to leave red marks on your arse. His hard hits are ones that could leave bruises on you. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, it’s I don’t want to be seen vulnerable around people other than him.

I feel suddenly a hand caress my ass, then I feel it pull back. Silence is in the air for a split second before the sound of the slap is heard and a very evident hand is now back on my ass. He said it wasn’t going to be hard but he lied. That one was definitely going to leave a mark, even if it’s just red.

“You said it wasn’t going to be hard,” I whisper under my breath and give him a quick glance.

“Oops.” He said.

“Ok guys, I think this is done now…” Tobi says, thankfully breaking the awkward silence after.

I get up from Cal’s lap and go to sit beside him. I lean my head on his shoulder and bury my face in his chest to try to avoid as much embarrassment as possible. Cal just laughs a little and urges the guys to finish the video to not embarrass me further.

Simon did his outro soon after, and we all migrated to the kitchen for food. I sat in Cal’s lap because there weren’t enough chairs for everyone to sit on. I was planning on getting revenge on the guys later for making me do that but right I’m madder at Cal for saying what he did. I needed to do something that would get him unbelievably frustrated. A sudden idea popped into my head.

As we were all eating, completely forgetting what happened in the other room moments before, I started to shift slightly on Cal’s lap. It didn’t look suspicious at all, not giving away the fact I was trying to tease him. I turned sideways so that my legs were now off to the one side of Cal’s lap. I dug my hip subtly into his crotch, evident enough for him to notice but not the others.

He grabbed one side of my hips and whispered in my ear, “Stay still Y/N, or you’ll get punished later.”

I ignored his comment and continued what I was doing. For the next couple minutes or so, I kept grinding back on him to the point where he was really hard. He abruptly stood up and pushed me off his lap but still kept me in front of him, probably to hide his boner.

“Sorry guys, I just realized Y/N and I have to go. It’s getting late and we have stuff to do.” Cal said in a rush.

The others just looked amongst each other, slightly confused but accepting the reason. I gave each of the guys' hugs, taking extra long time while Cal was hiding behind the counter covering his crotch. As soon as I finished, he pulled me out the kitchen doors and said a quick goodbye to them.

The ride back to our flat was long and silent. Cal had a death grip on the wheel the entire time. He wasn’t in a light mood so to speak. I didn’t know what was in store for me when we got back but, I was sure as hell excited.

Even when we parked the car, went into the building, and in the elevator, he was dead silent. It’s only when we got to the door and unlocked it, where anything happened.

He had pushed me through the entranceway, turned me around and pinned my arms above my head. He kissed me almost immediately after. He obviously was in no mood for play this time. He barely fought for dominance because I gave in to him, he led the kiss with the roughness and passion we both crave for each other. His tongue exploring my mouth as our kissing got sloppier by the second.

He moved down to my ear. “Princess…” He said. I moaned out in response.

“Don’t try to get out of this. You got yourself in this position.” He bit down on my earlobe and made his way down to my neck.

Open-mouthed kisses were left all down the side of my neck as well as hickeys. So many hickeys. His mouth worked wonders up and down the sides as he left marks on what was truly his. My neck and collarbone completely covered my red and purple love bites, it was Cal’s way of showing how much he loved me.

“I think we should take this somewhere else. Don’t you think?” He said. I gave a weak nod of my head in agreement.

“Jump.” As I did so, I wrapped my legs around his waist and here carried me upstairs to our shared bedroom. As soon as we got there, he tugged on the bottom of my shirt, “Off.” I took the hint and helped him take my shirt off. He pushed me back until my knees hit the bed and I fell back onto my back. He towered on top of me and gave me a few quick kisses. He kneeled back up and took off his shirt, waiting there for a moment and allowing me to take in the sexiness that he is.

Cal’s back on top of me in his position of power in no time. He leans down to give me more kisses down my neck and reaches back to unclip my bra. He moves down to take off my leggings I had on, soon leaving me in nothing but my panties. He takes a moment and takes a step back and admires the view.

He comes back down to kiss sloppily down in between the valley of my breasts and moves or over to one of my breasts. He grazes his tongue and teeth over my erect nipple and makes a circular motion over it. He sucks on it and gives it a little bite. His other hand, however, is massaging my other breast. I hold the sides of his face as he goes in between the both of them, switching what he is doing to each of them.

He flips me suddenly over into a position where my ass is up in the air and says seductively, “Know let me see my handy work.”

He runs his rough hands over my cheeks, admiring the red mark he left there earlier. He pulls my cheeks apart slightly and kneads them. I let out a slight moan at the feeling. Swiftly, he lands a quick slap on my ass that leaves a sting behind. He hits me again, but with a hard force and grips my ass once he lands it. He grinds forward onto me, and I can feel his huge boner rubbing against me. I whine.

He lands one last harsh slap on my ass before getting up. I look over the shoulder to see what he is doing but only look back to see him holding a tie in his hand and a bell. I can only assume what the tie will be used for and that’s to tie my hands. The bell, I’m not so sure.

I give him a confusing look. He moves to the front of me and picks up the necklace I’m wearing. He opens the clasp and slides the bell onto the chain.

“Move and the bell rings. If the bell rings, you get punished. Understood princess?” Cal said in a deep and dominant voice.

I could only say a weepy yes to make sure the bell wouldn’t move. He moves back so he’s behind me and kneads my ass again. He flips me back onto my back before towering above me and pushing my wrists above my head. He loops the tie around the iron pole bedframe and ties my wrists together. He ties an extremely tight knot, making sure there is no way I can move my way out or move at all.

Cal slowly slips a finger underneath my panties and pulls downwards. I lift my hips to help him take them off seeing as I can’t do it myself. He slides them off with ease and now leaves me completely naked, vulnerable and exposed to him. He spreads my legs from my thighs and runs a finger through my folds.

“Looks like someone is excited. Look how wet you are for me.” He says. He holds up his finger that his covered by my juices.

“What made you so wet? Was it my kisses, was it the spanking back at the house and here? Is it the fact you’re tied up right now and can’t move?”

I looked at Cal with pleading eyes. I wanted to speak but I don’t like to admit to things like that. He stroked me up and down my chest with a soft touch and then landed a small sharp slap on one of my breasts. I whined and moan slightly. I was getting all worked up and even if Cal can see that I am, he wants me to admit it.

“It’s everything. I know it is. You can’t hide it from me, princess. I know you. I know how much you love to be spanked and tied up, or how much you love the love bites and marks I leave all over your body and how you crave to be under my dominance.” He said very seductively and with great meaning as he leaned down and whispered into my ear.

“You can’t hide that you love having me talk dirty in your ear or like having me roughly fuck you until you can’t walk.”

I let out a whine, tired of having Cal tease me. He nudged back slightly and ran his finger through my wet folds again. He leaned down and blew hot air right into my pussy. He then licked his tongue up and down my folds soon landing on my clit where he sucked hard suddenly. I pulled hard on the tie and arched my back. Without remembering the bell, the sudden pull caused it to ring. I completely stopped moving and Cal just chuckled. However, he continued what he was doing. His tongue ran circles around circles on my clit. He pushed a single finger in slowly, something that only added to the pressure building up inside of me. Something that wasn’t quite fulfilling but only something to tease me further, especially at the slow pace he was going at.

He added a second finger shortly after and picked up the pace a little bit. His other hand ran up to caress my boob and give it a squeeze. The pressure was building up inside and I was getting close to coming. Cal knew I was close when my walls started to tighten and squeeze his fingers slightly. He made a “come here” motion with his fingers, which hit my g-spot and sent me close to the edge. I release a moan of pleasure with me being so close.

Just as I was about to come, he ripped his fingers out of me, cutting my orgasm off completely. I whine and pull again on the tie.

“That’s what you get for ringing the bell and teasing me back at the sidemen house.”

I open my mouth to start and protest but his hand clamps down on my mouth to keep me from speaking. He kneels up and starts to slide his sweatpants off, revealing he hasn’t been wearing underwear this whole time. As soon as the band comes below his lower hips, his long hard erection springs out hitting his abs.

He leans over to our bedside table and takes out a condom. He slides it on with ease and positions himself at my wet entrance.

“You ready, baby?” Cal says. I nod furiously in agreement as I can’t wait any longer, especially because of my denial before and how delicious his cock looks right now.

He pushes in slowly, making sure to tease me and also allowing me to adjust to his size. He starts off at a slower pace and builds slowly. Each push varies from deep and hard to short and quick ones. I feel my orgasm building again, and Cal picks up the pace a bit. He reaches for my hips so he can grip onto them and push me further down on his length.

Both of us are near the edge of our orgasms and so Cal speeds up a lot. He rubs his thumb over my clit sending an immense amount of pleasure throughout my body.

“Daddy…” I say in a breathy cry as I hit my hard orgasm.

My walls tighten around Cal’s cock, and that’s enough to send him over the edge as well. We both ride out our highs together. He pulls out of me and disposes of the condom in the trash can underneath the nightstand. He picks up my shirt and wipes himself off, before spreading my legs back open.

“Cal, I don’t think I can go another round,” I say in rebuttal.

“I’m not, I’m just cleaning you up a bit.”

He leans down and licks my core softly, and has my come and juices all over his tongue. Shortly after, he comes back up and picks up his shirt and his underwear. He slips on his underwear while he unties my wrists and puts his t-shirt on me.

“I didn’t know you liked to call me daddy, Y/N.” He says with a soft laugh.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I was in the moment.” I say sheepishly.

“Don’t worry I like it.”

He falls to my side and brings me to his side by pulling me by my waist. He spoons me from the back and nuzzles into the side of my neck. Pulling the blankets over, Cal kisses me one last time.

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Cal.” I said as we both drifted off into deep sleep in each other's arms.

#calfreezy #calfreezy smut #calfreezy imagine #cal imagine #sideman of the sidemen #smut

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sarahfii · 7 years

Text

TLDR : I am tired and worn thin.

Life is shit.

I need to write this out. Last year, on July 4th, I admitted myself to the hospital because I was feeling so crushed by my depression and I knew I needed help. I was at the hospital for a week before I was released. After release I attended a day hospital program to try and continue to get my life back on track. I actually learned new coping skills for once. (Considering I feel like I’ve heard most everything under the sun already, it was a bit refreshing.) During the time that I was out of the hospital and in the program, my parents sprang on me that they wanted me out of their place, that they wanted to put me into a group home. This is a significant point for me. What was said to me at that time, after I was trying to get back on my feet... It has hurt me so much. I’ve had a large fear for years and years and years that my parents considered me a burden and didn’t like having me around. I had brought it up to them on multiple occasions over the years, and they would always tell me they loved having me around, that I wasn’t a burden. I wanted to believe that. So after I had gotten out of the hospital, I ended up hearing a number of things. That if I needed hospitalization again, they would throw my stuff out on the street as well as me... The most hurtful thing however was something my mom said to me in a moment of frustration and anger. Where she told me, “You’re right. You are a burden. I don’t like living with you. You are difficult to live with.”

Right then, I feel like my heart broke a bit more. I felt and still feel like those words solidified my supposedly “irrational” fear of being a burden. Of being unpleasant to be around. It made me realize that my fears were correct. I wasn’t being irrational. The reason I am now even more unable to believe the people around me, who tell me they care, and that they like me, that I’m a good person... Is because of that. My parents have since apologized. But I can’t help but feel I can’t trust that. I am afraid of having it thrown back at me to hurt me.

....

I was able to find an apartment/roommate situation fairly quickly at that point... I won’t lie, I got extremely lucky. The first place I went to check out, is the one I moved into that coming weekend. It’s a shared house, and I have 3 roommates. 2 guys and 2 girls total.

I quickly tried to search for work, to try and become a more productive person in society. And while I did find a job, it was one I never started. It was a job for selling life insurance. Before I could be allowed to work though, I had to pay for a quick course to be able to get a license... Which, also required that I pay for the test. I never finished the course. Never got anywhere.

All throughout this time, my depression and anxiety were getting uncontrollable. I was dealing with an unrequited love as well... Which was draining me. I had previously dated the person.. But unfortunately for me, he wasn’t over the previous person he loved. He had come to visit somewhat early in the relationship, said he had a good time. I think it was maybe a month or two after that when I asked him if he still loved me, cause I had started to feel maybe he didn’t. At that point he told me he didn’t, and hadn’t actually since he had visited. That he had assumed I felt the same so never told me. In the end I broke up with him, after being essentially dragged along. The bad part is, even after we broke up, we continued to hang out. I got to hear about his feelings for the other girl. His desires. How much he wanted to talk and do things together with her. (Note: This girl talks to him once in a blue moon, and not much when she actually does.) Why I put up with this in the long run, was because there were times he seemed to feel romantically towards me. And in general, he knew me well, we liked to play games and such together, and was somewhat helpful when I would need to talk.

Anyways. Back to the story. By the time it reached December, I was feeling dead. Trump had become the president-elect, the roommate situation was eating at me, my finances were dwindling, my conflicted and hurt feelings towards my ex/friend.... I was a disaster. On the 31st of December I cut that friend off completely. Started to work on self improvement again. Looked into volunteering. Worked on getting my health insurance set up. Generally taking care of my business. It was good. I think.

Two or three weeks into the new year....

That ex/friend and I reconcile. He’s finally working on being a responsible person who contributes to society. He’s got job interviews that he’s going to. He’s finally got a cell phone. He’s worked on cleaning up his place, and trying to be more conscious of what he says. Tells me that the weeks I hadn’t talked with him made him realize that he does really love me, and that he realized he hadn’t been good to me. That he wants to try a relationship again. I agreed. We made some rules and boundaries. We made sure to tell each other if something the other did bothered us, why it bothered us, and generally agreed to be open about things and how we feel. It started out well, we were able to be romantic, supportive, and open/honest with each other. About two weeks into this... I had started volunteering, he had his job. We made sure to spend time together doing things. But... I noticed... He wasn’t tending to be romantic anymore. He wasn’t being as much of a boyfriend as a best friend. I brought this up, cause I noticed that I was the one who was trying to be romantic, and such, while he wouldn’t... And I had started avoiding trying to be romantic, cause it just felt one-sided. He told me that he wasn’t feeling that romantic towards me at that moment. That it seemed to come and go. That he did feel that he loves me and cares about me and wants to be around me... And is attracted to me. But not romantic.

We had already by this point, decided beforehand that I would be visiting him as soon as I could. So he told me to wait till after we meet up, and if when we meet up he is able to sort his feelings one way or another that would be it.

So I am still being strung along... I’ve told him that if, after we meet, he doesn’t feel any differently... that I will need space. That I can’t let myself stay near him. That I can’t anywhere near as much time near him in that case. That I won’t talk to him more than I would an acquaintance. He told me that he knows it’s selfish of him, but he doesn’t want that. That he wants me to be around and be near him. That he doesn’t want me to put distance between us.

...

I don’t think anything will change after I visit for him...Except for me moving on.

Now back to other things that have happened during my reconciliation.

I’m on SSI. It is my sole source of income. After moving out, I continued to be on my parent’s insurance until the new year, in which I could not be allowed to stay on their plan. SSI means that I get medi-cal coverage included. However, since I had been on my parent’s private insurance, my medi-cal benefits has been frozen. So after the New Year, I went through the fun ordeal of calling, calling, calling, calling.... to try and find out how to get it un-frozen so I could have health care. Finally was able to find the people able to do that. Call back in a week to make sure it was processed. Called back to make sure. And asked about switching to one of their specialty health plans. Gave me another set of numbers to call. Set that up. Asked to have them send me information on the plan... Since I knew little about it, except it was the only plan they offered that would allow me to still keep my previous doctors. Told me I would get sent the info and such in 2 weeks. (This was late January.) Didn’t actually receive said info until early MARCH. (THIS MONTH)

In the meanwhile. My roommate and living situation has gotten bad. I have one roommate, who despite being told/having the rules be no smoking in the house... Has been smoking his weed & ”pure nicotine” in our shared bathroom. I am allergic to whatever the heck he is smoking. After moving in, I have dealt with an almost continuous cough... (From August until now.) Went to the doctor last year three times for it. First time was told it’s just a cold. Second time, post-nasal drip. (Which I am susceptible to.) Third... bronchitis. I haven’t been able to see the doctor since the new year...

Not to mention.. My financial situation isn’t helping. I live off of ramen, popcorn, and bread. Occasionally I will buy extra special things... Nothing healthy though... Cause healthy food is expensive. Cookies. String cheese.

I am most likely extremely vitamin deficient. But.. can’t see my doctor yet, or do my blood work.

I called my insurance over three weeks ago to see about authorizing me to see my previous doctor. They said they would check and get back to me within three weeks. ... never heard back. Called today to check on it, as well as see about being able to see a psychiatrist and psychologist. Turns out it had been declined two weeks ago.. and no one had let me know. The reason for being declined was “due to not having any previous connection to the doctor.” I face-palmed. My current insurance has my last name listed as only one of my last names. Whereas my old doctor has me on file with both my last names..... Gave the person my medical records number for that doctor as well as the name my doctor has on record. Was told they will get back to me in 3-5 days with the decision. As for getting a psychologist/psychiatrist.. I would need to call a totally different number cause this specialized plan doesn’t cover it, but basic medi-cal does. I call the number. They tell me they need to schedule a screening. Which.. for whatever reason is done over the phone. (It’s not like they don’t have access to my records.. and have medical papers that will tell them my diagnosis’.... No. I have to be screened, to see if I actually need help and am actually the diagnosis I am and have been for all my life.) The first available time for that call is on this Thursday. Yay. I get to wait even longer to get help. And I bet that even after I do the screening I will get to wait more.

I am so tired, and stressed..... Not to mention anxiety and depression levels are terrible.

I’m also looking into finding a new place to move to.

Also trying to balance my volunteer work...

Also trying to feel like I can get a job...

But how can I even think I can handle a job, if I can barely handle volunteering doing something I enjoy....

How am I supposed to feel like I can get a job, when being on SSI means it’s actually pretty fucking difficult to have a job.

How am I supposed to be able to live.....

I have soo many things going on constantly in my mind that are stressing me out, and I can’t get help cause I have to wait for insurance.

Insurance that might end up taken away from me completely during Trump’s reign.

SSI that might be taken from me during his reign.

...

My ability to afford anything.

...

My ability to live.

#life #depression #how am i supposed to be able to live #or survive #or do anything #personal #i am falling apart #my mind is falling apart #my body is falling apart #i don't have anything i am aiming for #no goal #no real dream #what do i have to live for #i'm living for the sake of living right now #and it's wearing thin

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fitpaprika-blog · 7 years

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Intuitive Eating

I finally decided to seek therapy again about a month ago, and I was struggling to find someone - that struggle and my experience with a new therapist thus far will be documented in a subsequent post. However, as I was struggling to find someone, my husband had this great idea to read some books to get me through until I could start therapy - he’s great, and I probably don’t say on here enough how much of a support he is to me in life and especially on this path. I did a search on books on body positivity, and I came across lots of books that sounded great, as well as books I had already read, like Big Girl by Kelsey Miller, Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls by Jes Baker, and Fat Girl Walking by Brittany Gibbons. All three of these books had spoken to me on some level when I read them over a year ago, and I wasn’t ready to hear some of the messages they relayed - I’m determined to go back and read Jes Baker’s book again at some point because I know I wasn’t ready for her. I thought that maybe I’m ready now to hear these body positivity messages now or, even if I’m not ready, maybe that’s what I need the most.

I checked out a number of books from the two libraries to which I have access, and I purchased a couple of books that I was really interested in but couldn’t find at the library. I started off with Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. This book really blew my mind, you guys. I finished it two weeks ago as I traveled to and from Iowa - the only thing I like about flying is built-in reading time. My biggest struggle with eating, body image, weight loss, etc. is that I often feel like A Freak. I often feel weird and alone when I have a bad experience. Sometime during the last few weeks, my husband and I were trying to decide what to have for dinner, and it took like an hour to decide, and I was feeling guiltier by the second about the options we were considering. I got completely overwhelmed and emotional. About deciding on dinner. That’s the kind of experience I’m talking about that makes me feel like a total weirdo. It is not normal to get overwhelmed and upset about deciding on dinner or to have all of these extreme emotional reactions to food in general.

Intuitive Eating made me realize that I’m definitely not alone in these experiences and, more than that, I’m not at fault. Then, if that weren’t enough, it lays out principles and steps to take to get back to eating like a normal person. I’m planning to try to go on this path and see where it leads, and I have already tested the waters in a few ways, but I know I will struggle at the start.

The part of this way of thinking that I am going to struggle with the most is giving up on the idea of weight loss as a goal. As long as weight loss is the goal, I won’t have the kind of focus I need to move forward with improving my habits. As much as I would fight against the word “diet” for describing how I eat, much of what Tribole and Resch describe applies to me. It immediately made me think about Jes Baker’s book - the part I had a hard time hearing when I read it was about how the health industry is the new diet industry. I guess most millennials don’t necessarily go to Weight Watchers or would participate in programs like Slim Fast, South Beach, or Atkins. However, most millennials I know do pay attention to how many vegetables they are eating versus carbohydrates, stay away from gluten, sugar, and dairy, and follow paleo or something similar. They - I - make healthy choices based on ingredient lists and macros and don’t necessarily worry about fat-free or low cal but do worry about sugar/sweetener free and whether or not it will keep you in ketosis. Tribole and Resch still describe this type of behavior as dieting behavior that is harmful to mental health and actually backfires when it comes to weight loss. Thinking about food in terms of macros and ingredients that are “good” or “bad” leads to restrictive eating and deprivation that leads to overeating and feelings of guilt.

Intuitive eating starts with letting go of weight loss as a goal. They say that, once you’ve gone through the process, you will naturally choose healthier foods most of the time because they make your body feel the best. They argue that, once you’re able to practice intuitive eating regularly, your weight will “normalize” - they don’t say you will lose weight but just that your body will settle at its normal, most comfortable weight - whatever that means. So that’s the first thing that scares me. What if my “normal” weight is what I weigh right now? Will I be able to accept that? I also don’t know if I really believe that they can get me to naturally choose asparagus over cookies, y’all. I can’t see myself ever craving vegetables the way that I currently crave doughnuts. Tribole and Resch say that once my body and mind know that they can have doughnuts whenever they want them then the allure of the doughnuts will dissipate, and I won’t ever have the urge to binge on them again because I’ll know I can always have one, if I want one. And then I’ll naturally choose a variety of foods, with the majority of those foods being nutritious. And my weight will “normalize.”

I am struggling with letting go of weight loss. It’s been my focus for 10+ years. I try not to let the scale rule me, but I do still use it as a tool of measurement as to how well I am doing. I do still think about that number. Intuitive eating is scary, and the authors say that most of their clients feel this way in the beginning. I’ve written on this blog countless times about how I don’t know how to find the balance between feeling positively about my body and striving to lose weight, and I’m starting to think, especially given what I have read in this book, that the reason I can’t find that balance is because there isn’t one. I have to let go of the idea of losing weight entirely and focus on respecting my body - which includes learning how to eat normally, without counting anything or depriving myself of anything.

The week I started reading the book (the week of June 12th), I thought about the choices I made for food, and I felt like I was in control of the food I chose to ate that week, which was pretty incredible. Y’all, I had two pieces of cake, so please know that when I said I felt like I was in control, I do not mean that I made a nutritionally healthy choice every single time or that I always stayed within a certain calorie or macro allotment because I don’t mean those things, and I actually didn’t track my food at all in a diary. But, every time I was presented with the option to eat something, I made a choice, and I felt entirely comfortable with those choices. That cake was fucking worth it - which is why I had another piece the next day.

I want to tell you about this choice because it was major for me. On Tuesday, some colleagues returned from a trip during which they had been given two cakes, a chocolate cake and a caramel cake. Y’all probably know by now that I’m not too picky about cake. So I really thought about what sounded good to me when deciding about this cake. Did I really feel like eating chocolate or caramel? Or neither? Was my body really into having a piece of this cake? Well, it was, and it wanted chocolate. So I had a piece of that chocolate cake, and it was moist and delicious and totally worth it.

The next day, when I went to the break room that morning to put my lunch in the fridge, the cakes were still there, and I felt a little twinge of stress. Oh no - will I eat a piece of this cake just because it’s there? Why couldn’t they have finished the cakes yesterday? I don’t want to be tempted again. I made a decision then and there that, if there was still chocolate cake when I came back to eat lunch in four hours, and if I still felt like I wanted a piece of cake, I would have a piece. Every morning at 10:30, my colleagues gather for morning coffee, so, often, any treats stashed in the breakroom are devoured at that time. Sometimes, admittedly, I only go up for 10:30 coffee because there will be treats. But usually it is really inconvenient for me to go to coffee, so I skip it. My hope on Wednesday was that the cake would be eaten at coffee and then I wouldn’t have to think about it at lunch.

But when I returned for lunch, both cakes were still there, and, so, I had to make a choice. But I’m glad that I was forced to make this decision instead of being “freed” from it by my colleagues because I need to practice making these kinds of decisions about food. I decided that I did still want a piece of that chocolate cake because it had been so good the day before. I had also had to rush in eating it the previous day because I had to go to a desk shift, so I had eaten it really quickly and not really savored it. I was tempted to try the caramel cake instead because I had had chocolate the previous day, but I asked myself what did I really crave, and it was still the chocolate - plus I didn’t want to risk the caramel cake not being as worth it as the chocolate. I cut myself a slice, put it next to my lunch, and I preceded to eat my lunch first. I wanted to make sure I was still hungry for this cake after finishing my lunch, but I wanted to know it was there in the event that I did still want it. I was trying to exercise that principle of the intuitive eating idea - that cake was there, and I could have it, if I wanted it.

While I was eating my lunch, two female colleagues entered the break room and complained about this cake. One said, “Oh my god, there’s still cake? Why must we have cake here every day? No wonder I can’t lose weight.” I didn’t respond to this because I felt like this was destructive conversation that I didn’t want to engage in, especially when (1) I am heavier than the coworker who was commenting and (2) I had a piece of cake sitting right in front of me waiting to be eaten. Then the other entered the room and said, “I’m trying to decide if I should have a piece of this cake or not.” Finally I said, “It’s worth it. If you want a piece, I can vouch that the chocolate is totally worth every bite.” The first colleague said, “They do look really good, and I have been really good with my eating lately, so maybe I should reward myself.” All of this conversation was really eye opening to me in light of reading this book. Before, I probably would have said a lot of the same things and engaged in conversation with them. But now, I just said, it’s worth it if you feel like eating it because that’s really what I am starting to understand and believe. If you want to eat something, eat it. Denying yourself that is only going to make you feel deprived and grumpy and weird. I made a choice about this cake that left me feeling satisfied with my decisions. Both slices I ate were conscious decisions, and I felt satisfied.

I also lost weight that week. Deep sigh, I know. I told you guys that I’m having a hard time giving up weight loss as the goal. I think I wanted to test it, which is not fair - why would I test a process for weight loss when the process explicitly states to not concern yourself with weight loss?! But I weighed myself on Friday June 16th and saw that I had lost weight, despite allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted that week and not hardly exercising at all due to a back injury. I know that that is not the goal. I know that the scale lies. And I know that that might not always happen. But it made me believe that there is some truth behind this, some method to the madness.

What I am really liking about all of this is that I feel in control, which is a feeling I also feel comfortable with in my life. I am a control freak, and I am proud to admit it. But I rarely feel in control of food. Even when I was counting calories or looking so closely at ingredients and macros - that is a form of a control, but I feel like that is still food controlling me. I feel like when I am only choosing foods based on a set of rules as opposed to what foods make my body and mind feel satisfied then the agent is still the food, not me. I felt control of that decision to eat that cake. I felt control sitting in my living room, knowing there were churros in the freezer and not making them because I didn’t want them. You guys, I fucking bought CEREAL that same Friday because that is the number one food that I crave ALL THE TIME*, and I didn’t eat any of it until the following Sunday. Like it’s so stupid but I am tearing up right now after writing that sentence. There was cereal in my house for 36 hours. There has been a breakfast period with cereal as an option, and I decided I didn’t feel like eating it. When I did eat it, I only ate what I wanted, and that box of cereal lasted for three meals in total over three days - in fact, my husband and I had made a deal that we would trade bowls of cereal, so the third meal was actually me leaving a serving for him in the pantry. I felt satisfied with those two bowls I ate for myself and good about leaving him a bowl - and I didn’t feel like buying cereal again when we went grocery shopping the next week. That was amazing to me. There is choice and control surrounding food and these are just little baby steps, little miniature experiments on my part.

There is a workbook that goes along with this book that I am planning to purchase, and I am excited about more purposefully incorporating intuitive eating into my life. The concept that I can eat whatever I want both terrifies and frees me. I’ve been writing this post for about two weeks now and trying to incorporate intuitive eating for around four weeks, here and there. Things I have eaten include cereal, cookies, ice cream, chips, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, sandwiches, and so on and so forth. I also tried salad again, and it actually was doable. I could actually see myself fully eating a salad at some point in the future. I didn’t eat when I wasn’t hungry. I tried really hard to stop eating when I was full. Even when I had sweets in the house, I tried to think about whether or not I really wanted them or if I just wanted them because I had previously been deprived of them and wanted to binge. I think the hardest thing has been not feeling guilty about eating something that I want to eat and remembering that I can have this, that, and the other. I eliminated 90% of carbohydrates from my life on a regular daily basis, which means I hadn’t bought a loaf of bread since we moved into this apartment. Every time I bought a sweet, it was like a special occasion that I would have them just that one time, so then I’d often binge on them. I was taking my anti-sugar stance a step further and trying not to buy products with additional sweeteners, period. I had eliminated almost all dairy, even though I don’t really have a problem with dairy.

So right now I am still experimenting with teaching my mind that I can have what I want, and it will always be there. I’m not at the point yet where I am really finding a balance of nutritionally sounds foods and unhealthy ones because I’m still figuring it all out. Right now I’m eating all of the things I deprived myself of for so long and then I imagine that I will find my way back to a lot of my staples because those make my body feel the best, and I know it. But I have to work backwards first. And, even once sound nutrition enters the picture again, it can’t have anything to do with weight loss. It has to do with what I want to put in my body, what makes me feel good, not what may or may not help me lose weight.

I’ll keep you guys posted on how this goes but please note that this post is a shift. I often used hashtags like “weight loss,” “losing weight,” and “weight loss journey,” but I can’t do that anymore. I can’t think about weight loss. I have to think about my health - body and mind - and if I’m 234lbs, which is my last recorded weight, for the rest of my life then - okay. I’m going to try to learn to accept, even respect and appreciate, my 234lb body. That is my goal now. Feel good about food and eating. Feel good about my body. Feel good about life.

*I do realize that cereal is a really weird thing to crave and want all of the time. Cereal is what dieters call a “trigger food” for me - a food that, in the past, I couldn’t eat without eating all of it, a binge food, so I had to stop buying it full stop. This is probably something to explore in therapy because I am not entirely sure where this obsession with cereal came from. I was allowed to have cereal as a child, though not usually allowed to choose what kinds - my family was primarily a Honey Nut Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Crispix family - and I had cereal for breakfast a lot as a kid. Even when I started weight loss, I didn’t stop eating cereal, but I was really shocked at the calories and serving sizes on cereal boxes. Do you know that a serving size of cereal is ¾ of a cup for most cereals and that it’s usually 150-200 calories for that serving? Then you add milk to that. One of the reasons I tried almond milk was to reduce the calorie count for cereal breakfasts - I AM NOT LYING. I mean, it turns out that I love almond milk way more than cow milk, but that’s why I started drinking it - so I could have more cereal! I was used to having huge soup bowls of cereal and then having to reduce it to a cup and a half and eat only that was really hard. When I moved to clean eating and gave up sugar, I couldn’t have any cereal because none of them met the criteria of “clean.” So I went from all the cereal to not very much cereal to no cereal, so probably deprivation of cereal is why I crave cereal so much now. But people, including my husband, are really weirded out by my obsession with cereal. My favorite place I visited when I was in New York was the Kellogg cereal restaurant that I went to for breakfast on my last day. I accept myself.

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