#like obviously you don't want to be out in that air quality but it's not as dire as these people seem to think it is

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

...

[pathetic-gamer]

me, an hour ago: "fuck, the stove is on! what do we do?" [immediately does all the wrong things]

PSA: What NOT to do when you smell gas

In this situation, we got home to a smell of gas throughout the house and discovered our gas stove was on without a flame. it was only a tiny stream, and everything turned out fine, but here's a brief list of everything we did wrong:

NOTE: this is for if you smell significant amounts of gas, not a blanket list for all possible gas situations. (If you aren't aware, the methane**/natural gas used in houses smells vaguely like sulfer, or rotten eggs - this is an additive, since it has no natural smell. It's a very recognizable smell, once you've smelled it once. It's not the same smell as gasoline.)

1. If your stove has an electrical/spark ignition, do NOT turn it off.

Spark ignitions often spark when turning on *and* off. Spark + Gas = Boom. Boom is bad. Avoid boom.

Instead, turn off the gas at the source, i.e. the physical valve at the meter. There may be a smaller valve near the stove. If you don't know where the shutoff is, the fire department will find it.

2. Do NOT turn on (or off) vents or fans.

In fact, don't flip any electrical switches - that includes lights, plugging in or unplugging appliances, etc. These cause sparks. Spark + Gas = Boom.

Also, don't start your car. obviously.

3. Do NOT open windows

counterintuitive, I know. This is mostly because you want to prioritize your exit, but it's also to keep the fumes from spreading outside, where you should be waiting for the ~professionals~ to come handle it.

4. DO take all people and pets outside.

Do this very first!! (one thing we actually did right - go us!)

This is obviously because you don't want to go boom, but you also don't want to suffocate. Gas is poison!

NOTE: the gas from your stove is probably methane (natural gas); carbon monoxide is what you get when methane burns, which is why your kitchen needs to be well-ventilated and the stove shouldn't be left burning for long periods of time, but the natural gas itself is *also* potentially deadly. Carbon monoxide detectors dont detect natural gas, so that's what the odorous additive is for.

Inhaling natural gas causes nausea, headaches, dizziness, and makes you just generally woozy, and eventually causes you to lose consciousness and potentially suffocate, just like carbon monoxide does. We don't want that.

5. DO call the fire department/emergency line

They'll check for other leaks, shut gas off if needed, then test for air quality and eventually clear your house for reentry. It takes like 1-2 hours for the gas to dissipate, generally.

Yay, you survived! Congrats!!

NOTE: if you find the stove has been left on with a flame, or it's on with no flame but you don't smell gas, then you should be safe to just open windows and turn on vents and fans to air it out.

idk, this was actually pretty scary, especially when we realized how much of our immediate response was wrong and could have turned a dangerous situation into a real disaster.

tl;dr: If you smell gas when you shouldn't be smelling gas, just get all the people and animals outside, shut off the gas line, and call the fire department or gas company. don't fuck around with gas. you're not overreacting, you're taking the proper safety measures.

**CORRECTED FROM ORIGINAL VERSION. Original said propane, but it's very much not propane, it's methane. too much Hank Hill on the brain, clearly.

[lenaswritingandstuff]

Christmas memories ~ Tom Riddle x wife!reader (Drabble)

Requested: No

Pairing: Tom Riddle x wife!reader

Summary: As you watch your child open her Christmas gifts, Tom reveals a memory from years ago.

Word count: 652

Warnings: mentions of a lonely childhood; English is not my first language

A/N: Haven't posted in a while, hope those who celebrate it had/are having a wonderful Christmas full of love and warmth! Sending lot of love and a big hug to those who are alone, or feel lonely despite being being wiith other people. I love you guys <3 To those who don't celebrate, hope y'all are doing well too! Comments and feedback are always appreciated. Sorry for the typos. Hope you enjoy it!

Tag list: : @helendeath @im-jesus @wolfyychan @blocked-zombieartist

“Mummy, this is the biggest one!”

“It is, darling. Go ahead.”

You took a sip of your hot chocolate as you watched your five years-old daughter excitedly open her last gift - which was the biggest one under the Christmas tree - in your living room, which soon revealed to be an enchanted doll’s house. Your daughter let out a loud gasp, which made you smile, and as you turned to look at your husband, who was standing against a wall, you could see that, despite trying to hide it, he was smiling too. 

“This is the one I wanted!” your daughter exclaimed happily, looking at you both with a great, adorable smile.

“Santa just knows everything, doesn’t he!” 

You heard your husband chuckle. You put your cup on the table and got up from the couch. 

“Alright, sweetheart, let’s put all your new toys in your room, shall we?”

You grabbed your wand, agitated it, and a second later, all the toys your daughter unwrapped minutes ago started levitating in the air before going upstairs in her room.

“Can I go play with them, please?” your daughter asks.

“Sure thing, darling.”

“Yay!”

Your daughter ran upstairs, and you shook your head with fondness. 

“I’m glad she liked everything,” you turned to your husband.

“Well, ‘Santa’ just happened to always be on point when it comes to gifts.”

You smiled, but suddenly anxiety came into your body.

“But did you like yours?” you asked.

It was always tricky to get gifts for Tom, because he would say he didn’t “need” anything, and the only thing he liked was books - which he bought himself all year. But this year, you decided to take risks and offer him not only books, but also clothes - black or grey, obviously -, some material to take care of his wand, some expensive quills, and a black ring. As he opened every one of them, he commented on the quality of the gift or its appearance, and made sure to kiss you as he said “Thank you, darling.”. But despite being with Tom for several years and knowing him for even more, his feelings were sometimes still  a mystery to you. 

His gaze softened, and he approached you, taking your hand in his. 

“Of course, love. I know I’m not easy to give gifts to, but trust that I appreciate the thought, and I know and appreciate the effort you made to make sure I liked them.” He hesitated before continuing, “Actually, as our child opened her gifts, it made me remember the gift you gave me on Christmas during our first year.” 

 You raised your eyebrow in disbelief, and suddenly the image of a much smaller and younger version of Tom and you during your first year at Hogwarts came to you. You remembered the nervousness you had felt while giving him your gift, his confusion as he took it and opened it, and his unsure, quiet, yet somehow sincere “Thank you.”. You two didn’t know it back then, but it was the beginning of something that would only grow. 

“You remember it?” you asked. 

“Of course.” His dark eyes changed, revealing a deeper feeling, and he looked at the ground for a second. “I still have it, and still cherish it.” 

You smiled, “It wasn’t much, just something made by an eleven year old to a friend she cared about.”

“It was the first gift someone ever got me.”

You felt your heart break, just like every time you were reminded of Tom’s lonely, loveless childhood - and all the Christmas he had spent in that orphanage without warmth, love, and people who cared about him. 

“And it won’t be the last,” you smiled teasingly.

“I sure hope so.”

You wrapped your arms around his waist, putting your head on his chest, and he wrapped his own arms around your shoulders.

“You’ll never be alone, you know that?”

“I know.”

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[fashion-runways]

okay it's been over a year and i keep saying i'm going to make a new post and it's too exhausting to even think about the whole thing so i keep pushing it-- here's the link to the old post if you want a more detailed thing i wrote back then.

anyway, a year ago, out of the blue, our apartment got raided by the police, they broke our front door, they broke a bunch of shit inside, they took a bunch of our stuff, they barely gave us answers or an explanation, they took my dad and made it seem like he would have to sign some stuff and answer some questions and come back, but it's been over a year (since june 2022) and he hasn't come back, and his case is still up in the air. they're barely working on it. they didn't pay for all the shit they broke, they haven't returned all the shit they took, we had to spend a lot of money on that, i had to take a loan to buy a new computer so i could keep working and studying, on top of spending even more money on basic needs for my dad in jail and lawyers, plus blood pressure and anxiety medications, plus he's old and he was scheduled an eye surgery that he obviously couldn't go to so he's like, practically blind in one eye now, also new clothes for him to wear there (there's a bunch of rules for that), honestly i already lost track of how many things we had to pay for. it's been incredibly stressful and it still is even now that we've gotten used to it. he's been detained for a year for something that they still don't even know if he did and the case is barely moving, i don't know if they're like... i don't know, waiting for the man to die in there since he's already old so they don't have to admit they don't have enough proof for all the mess they made? i don't know. like i said back then, please don't ask me for details on the case or show up in my inbox trying to play tiktok true crime and guess what he did/didn't do. it happened a few times and it's extremely triggering, please don't. please.

this blog is basically my job. it's my primary source of income, i don't have anything else, no matter how many interviews i go to, in the country/city i live and in the state our economy is, if you don't have contacts it's impossible to get a job. i'm always signing up to free programs to learn new things while i don't have a job, try to make my cv bigger, but it doesn't matter. if you don't have someone saying “please hire my friend/family member” or you don't have 500 years of experience, they won't. so like i said, donations people make to this blog are how me and my mom (and my pets) stay afloat. it's what we use to pay for food, general groceries, transportation, electricity, wifi, water, gas, health insurance, stuff for my dad in jail, meds for my mom who has diabetes, food and meds for my pets. i don't go out much, i haven't gotten a haircut in a year, i barely spend money in anything that makes me happy except once in a blue moon when i stop feeling guilty lmao i had a redbubble account also that helped a little too, but last week it got suspended without an explanation as i was uploading new designs, so i don't even have that now. i made a new account on teepublic, but all my designs in high quality are locked behind redbubble and i can't even log into because of the suspension. it's... complicated, and it's a lot, but it is what it is.

i'm always keeping an eye out on new collections, new designers, new cool things. like i said, i love fashion, i studied fashion, and i know a lot of you use this blog as inspiration whether it's for yourselves or for your art, so i don't want to post all similar stuff all the time, i want to post all kinds of styles and brands as much as i can. which is why when i say if you like this blog, if you want to support me, sending even the smallest amount of money helps me keep going. living in latin america, the exchange rate is kind of insane, so truly any amount of money donated helps. unfortunately, i never stop needing money to survive and help keep my family afloat, but in the past year more than ever.

as usual, my kofi link is this one: https://ko-fi.com/fashionrunways and my (new) teepublic link is this one: https://www.teepublic.com/user/dinah-lance. if my redbubble account gets reinstated, i'll add that link eventually too. and as always, thanks for loving this blog and for loving fashion like i love fashion, even when i post crazy looking stuff, and thanks for helping. you have no idea how much your support helps, but it really does, i don't even know if i'd be alive right now if it wasn't for this blog.

[teaboot]

Yo I haven't done it in forever so I forgot that working at a sex shop gives you superpowers

1. The We-Vibe Tango is a low frequency and fully waterproof rechargeable bullet vibrator that we used to sell for about $150. A new model came out about a year ago so it's on sale now online for $47. Can confirm that shipping is discreet and they have a really good warranty, just keep the packaging.

*(I'm not sponsored to say that and nobody is paying me rn, it's just a legit good deal.)

2. There are essentially three bases used for lube: Water, Oil, and Silicone. Oil breaks down any materials other than glass or metal, and Silicone breaks down Silicone toys and sometimes condoms. Water is safe for everything but tends to dry out, so people don't like it- but if you add water or spit, drying water-based lube will slick right back up.

3. If your water-based lube has given you any itching, tightening, or burning sensations, you probably have a chemical sensitivity. Obviously everyone has different preferences, but my number one recommendation is Water Slide- it's a super reasonable price compared to other lubes, it feels natural, it's incredibly gentle on the skin, and it doesn't stain sheets.

**(Again, I'm not being paid for this. By anyone. At all. I'm just sick of hearing people come in and tell me they don't use lube cause it hurts, or that they're using fucking coconut oil in their vagina. Please, God, don't put coconut oil in your vagina.)

4. A lot of massage oils use almond oil to suspend other ingredients, and warming products sometimes use cinnamon. Always, always, always check people's allergies.

5. You can buy toys off cheap sites if you want, just be wary of quality and ALWAYS read the product description. I personally wouldn't buy anything that isn't Silicone, stainless steel, or glass, because unlike jelly, plastic, "fantaflesh", and Silicon, (which is NOT Silicone!!!) They are non-porous, sterile, and don't melt in contact with each other. This means that as long as you clean them properly and don't use the wrong lubes, they will not hold bacteria or break down, which makes them safe for both you to reuse and your partner/s to share. (And to switch between front door/back door, so long as you wash before going back to front.)

6. Cotton and polyester bondage rope are cheap and great to practice with. Silk sounds fancy and is very strong but be advised that a lot of silk rope is "Silk(TM)", not actual silk. Read the product description. (I personally am reluctant to spend more than about $2 per foot for mass-produced synthetic rope, but could be persuaded to pay more for ACTUAL silk, nylon, handmade ropes, or especially attractive colors/patterns/textures.) You want your rope to be at least as thick as your thumb and layered to avoid lacerations, and taut (not stretchy) to be sure you're in control of how much pressure you're putting on.

7. Choking someone by pressing on the windpipe is painful and inefficient. If you want to, stay very, very light, as it's a very delicate area. If you want a head rush, press down on the sides of the windpipe, just below the corners of their lower jaw. You will feel a pulse there. That's the carotid artery. It carries oxygen to the brain. Pressing there will allow them to breathe, but will still "choke" the air going to their head. It's faster and painless. Only hold this for 3-4 seconds if you lack experience. It takes just under 15 seconds to make someone pass out from a blood choke, and after that you risk causing *permanent brain damage*. If your partner passes out, release pressure immediately and keep their airways clear. If you're the one being choked, know that your only warning will be spotty vision and a dizzy sensation. Communicate with your partner/s and for the love of God, do your research first. I'm not a doctor. Please God, please do your research.

8. Don't reduce blood flow to any part of the body for more than 20 minutes. This includes cock rings. Take a break for an hour between uses.

9. Most 'dick pills' are just a stimulant, a mild vasodilator, and a placebo. Usually mostly caffeine. They are not worth $20 apiece. Take a minute to meditate, have a hot shower, drink some black tea, have a coffee, go for a run, whatever- you'll get the same effect. And no, there is not a single ethical and legal sex shop in the country that can sell you viagra. You would have better luck on Facebook. Do not buy viagra on Facebook.

10. There are no "male toys" and "female toys". Your only limitations are safety and creativity. If youre sticking something into something else, just make sure everything is clean, not too big, not sharp or abrasive, and can be taken back out.

11. If something "goes missing" in your vagina and you panic, you muscles will tense up and it'll it'll harder to get back. Relax and stand up. Wait a minute. Chill. Calm down. Jump a couple times. There's nowhere for it to go and worst case scenario, I promise the emergency walk-in has seen something weirder or worse in the past hour or so.

12. You cannot return toys that you buy and don't like and I swear to God if you come into my store with an opened product and try to give it back I will lose my shit

13. Actually while I'm at it, people who work at sex shops are more often than not not sex workers and even if they were, it would still not be appropriate to flash or grope them or ask them "what they use", I will run you over in the fucking parking lot

[porterdavis]

I'm glad I turned this off

BREAKING: Donald Trump sinks to a new low and blames "diversity" for the tragic plane crash in Washington D.C. — avoiding the truth that our Federal Aviation Administration’s leader resigned after Elon Musk pressured him to.

Trump then got brutally fact-checked to his face...

"Are you saying this crash was somehow caused and the result of diversity hiring? And what evidence have you seen to support these claims?" a reporter asked Trump during a press briefing.

"It just could have been," said Trump, offering no evidence. "We have a high standard. We've had a much higher standard than anybody else and there are things where you have to go by brain power."

The implication here is that diverse hires are somehow lacking in brain power — an assertion that is certain to please Trump's racist base.

"You have to go by psychological quality and psychological quality is a very important element of it," he continued. "These are various very powerful tests that we put to use and they were terminated by Biden and Biden went by a standard that's the exact opposite."

It must be pointed out that Michael Whitaker, the FAA's leader, stepped down from his role on January 20th after Elon Musk demanded that he leave.

And Trump wasn't done there...

"We don't even yet know the names of the sixty-seven people who were killed and you are blaming Democrats and DEI policies and air traffic control and seemingly the member of the U.S. military who was flying that Black Hawk helicopter. Don't you think you're getting ahead of the investigation right now?" asked CNN's Kaitlan Collins.

"No, I don't think so at all," said Trump. "I don't think were the names of the people— You mean the names of the people that are on the plane? Uh, you think that's going to make a difference?"

"Does it comfort their families to hearing you blaming DEI?" asked Collins.

"There are a group of people that have lost their lives. If you want a list of the names we can give you that, we'll be giving that very soon," said Trump. "We're in coordination with American Airlines. We're in coordination very strongly obviously with the military but I think that's not a very smart question. I'm surprised coming from you."

And it just kept getting worse...

"What plan do you have? Are we going to see some fired? Are you going to fire some of those diversity hires in the federal government? What plan do you have?" asked a reporter.

"I would say the answer is yes if we find that people aren't mentally competent," said Trump. "You see the language. The language is put out by them and if you see that— I'm not going to bore you by reading it again but these are not people that should be doing this particular job. They'd be very good for certain jobs but not people that should be doing this particular job."

In reality, the real problem is that the FAA is understaffed. We need more air traffic controllers, not fewer. By firing hardworking individuals just because they're diverse, Trump will make it even more likely that another tragic crash occurs.

The catastrophe of a press briefing just kept going...

"Today, you blamed the diversity element but then told us that you weren't sure that the controllers made any mistake. You then said that perhaps the helicopter pilots were the one's who made a mistake," said a reporter.

"Yup. It's all under investigation, " said Trump.

"I understand that," said the reporter. "That's why I'm trying to figure out how you can come to the conclusion right now that diversity had something to do with this crash?"

"Because I have common sense, okay?" said Trump. "And unfortunately a lot of people don't. We want brilliant people doing this. This is a major chess game at the highest level. When you have sixty planes coming in during a short period of time and they're all coming in different directions and you're dealing with very high-level computer, uh, computer work and very complex computers..."

"And one of the other things I'll tell you is that the systems that were built, I was going to rebuild the entire system and then we had an election that didn't turn out the way it should have," he claimed.

The most telling part of the briefing came next, when Trump was brutally fact-checked by a reporter.

"The cited FAA text that you read is real but the implication that this policy is new or that it stems from efforts that began under President Biden or the Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is demonstrably false, it's been on the FAA website—" said a reporter.

"Who said that? You?" interjected the president.

"No it's on the website, the FAA's website, it was there in 2013. It was there for the entirety of your administration too. So my question is why didn't you change the policy during your first administration?" asked the reporter.

"I did change it. I changed the Obama policy," insisted a flustered Trump. "And we had a very good policy. And then Biden came in and he changed it and then when I came in two days, three days ago, I signed a new order bringing it to the highest level of intelligence. Okay?"

Trump then abruptly moved on to another reporter, clearly worried that a follow-up question would further expose his lies.

[depravitycentral]

Partnership

Yandere! Uvogin x fem! reader

Tw: kidnapping, stalking, theft, threats of violence, implied non-con, if your name is Stacy pretend it isn't, Stockholm Syndrome, brief mention of vomiting, Nobunaga is featured a bit in this but don't worry he doesn't want you, fem reader, MDNI

This is dedicated to @ramwrites, who is amazing and wonderful and offered to write me a welcome back gift, and I couldn't not give something back in return! Thanks for letting me write this for you; your writing is so good and makes me all giggly and inspired. For those interested, please check out her Shalnark piece - I haven't read it yet, but I'm sure it's just as good as everything else Ram produces.

WC: 10K

I do not condone any of the actions described in this post - this is fiction and should be treated as such. If you or a loved one is in a similar situation to anything contained in this post or my blog in general, please seek help. You're in charge of your internet consumption; please make responsible choices. With that, enjoy! 

“So you went and got yourself kidnapped, huh?” Uvogin asks, cocking a brow at you.

               You, who’s tied to a metal chair, gagged and blindfolded, very clearly having no fucking clue what is going on.

               You squirm, sitting up straight at the sound of a new, unfamiliar voice. Your cute little sleeping shorts had ridden up a bit, exposing more of your thigh than you were probably comfortable with, and Uvo notices with a distant sense of enjoyment that the thin nightshirt you’re sporting is doing very little to hide the way the cold air is affecting your chest.

               You’re weak, really; a pathetic little thing that has him scoffing and crossing his arms.

               “Listen up, I’m only gonna tell you this once. A friend of yours – Stacy, was it? Anyway, this friend of yours got herself noticed by the wrong type of guy.” He starts, plopping down and sitting in his own identical metal chair, just without the restraints.

               You stop struggling when he mentions her name, and he takes this as a sign to continue.

               “See, Nobuanga’s not a bad guy. He’s a little rough around the edges, sure, but any guy who isn’t is hardly worth knowing.” He chuckles at his own assessment of his closest friend, though you don’t seem to share the sentiment. “Stacy works at that shitty little restaurant he loves – the one with the sticky, greasy booths and the fries that come drenched with salt and are so limp they literally drip oil.”

               He shivers at the mere memory, the hamburger he’d ordered barely worth eating.

               “Don’t know what she did, exactly, but somehow he’s smitten – she’s got him all fucked up, ranting and raving about how beautiful she is and how she smiles at him all the time and flirts with him on the clock. Real annoying, if you ask me.” He sighs heavily, letting his thumb sit at his chin as he loses himself in the story of his best friend falling in love – with your best friend, no less.

               “And then she quit her job, I’m sure you know. Started working up at that movie theater – more shitty, oily food, just popcorn instead of fries this time.” He laughs again. “Nobunaga went crazy over that, you know, thinking that maybe she wanted to work in a more intimate setting like that so that he could sneak her off into some abandoned theater and get some one-on-one quality time, if you know what I mean.”

               You grimace, at both the implications of his last statement and the mention of Stacy quitting. You know exactly why she’d quit – it was the whole reason you’d been staying at her place, really. She was convinced she had a stalker, that there was this crazy man who used to bother her at the diner and follow her home. It’d scared her, obviously, and she’d requested – with a guilty look and fiddling thumbs – if you’d be willing to spend the next few nights are her place with her, because maybe if there was more than one person home he wouldn’t get gutsy and break in. Of course you’d agreed, believing her fully and not wanting to leave her alone to deal with this crazed freak.

               Although now, you’re starting to regret that decision just a bit.

               “As I’m sure you know, it didn’t change much. Pretty stupid, to be honest – if a stalker’s that dedicated, how the hell is a change of occupation going to change anything? Chick’s pretty dumb, if you ask me.” He shrugs, and although you can’t see it through your blindfold, you’re sure his face is awfully apathetic about the whole situation. “She was ignoring him, refusing to serve him at the theater, reporting him to her manager, even calling the police and getting a description of him circulating. She was going to get a restraining order against him, even – again, like that’d do shit.”

               He snorts, and you bite into the gag harder.

               Sighing, he looks up at the ceiling. “See, that’s the thing about Nobunaga. He might seem a little lazy sometimes, but he’s got a heart of gold when it comes to the ones he cares about. He’d do anything for that woman – steal for her, kill for her, anything at all. He’s a sap, totally obsessed with the chick, but it’s kind of sweet in a way, I guess. Means he really cares about her. Isn’t that funny? Her stalker really is in love with her.”

               You don’t find it particularly funny, but you can’t say much.

               “Anyways, the police finally got a sighting of him last night. Went through the system pretty fast – I’m a little impressed, to be honest. Normally takes those bastards much longer to process things. Regardless, a few too many sirens were going last night, even a few cars parked outside the apartment he’s been squatting in, yelling his name in those big, gaudy megaphones of theirs. Caused a real stir, and sent the guy into a panic.”

               He takes a moment to breath, tapping his foot lightly on the ground. “So what does he do? He calls me, in the middle of the night, talking so fast that I can’t even understand the guy. All I’m hearing is Stacy this, Stacy that, police and blah blah blah recognized. I had to force the words out of him before it made any sense, the idiot.” That same laugh rattles in your ears.

      ��        “Eventually I got him to be coherent, and he told me that he had to ‘make his move’, whatever the hell that meant. Said he couldn’t wait anymore, that he had to take Stacy and run – the police were coming, and even though it’s not hard to take out a couple of poorly trained guys, it’s still a pain in the ass and Shizuku’s not here to clean up his mess.

               “Anyways, he starts begging me – literally, actually pleading with me, imagine that – to come and help him out. He told me there’s this other chick at her place – some girl she’s been keeping around for some unknown reason, and he needs someone to take care of the body.” Your blood goes cold, fear suddenly creeping back up your throat.

               Was he going to kill you? Why was he bothering to tell you all this if he was just planning on slicing open your neck? Did he find some sick pleasure in prolonging your death?

               He notices your discomfort, it seems, because soon he’s rolling his eyes, scoffing at you. “Calm down. You’re such a bad actor – can’t even see your face, really, and I know you’re scared shitless now. I’m not going to kill you, don’t get your panties in a twist.”

               You calm slightly, but not much.

               “As I was saying, there’s this girl he needs me to take care of – a quick death, nothing too flashy, which makes me immediately ask why the hell he’d request me of all people, when every time I kill it’s messy. It’s kind of my trademark, you know?”

               You didn’t, and you hoped it’d stay that way.

               He sighs again. “Anyways, I head on over to Stacy’s apartment, meeting Nobunaga outside and listening to him run down the plan. He’s going to run inside and knock her out, pulling her out of bed and running off to God knows where he’s got all set up for the two of them. And while he’s busy doing that, I’m supposed to head in and eliminate the friend. Seemed easy enough, if not a bit tedious, so I agree and we head inside, keeping mind of the sirens still in the distance.

               “Everything’s going smoothly, except once we get the front door open, it becomes very clear that Nobunaga was stupid and panicked and didn’t bother to doublecheck if Stacy was actually asleep.” He pauses to sigh dramatically, like it’s some big annoyance. “She’s fully awake, standing about ten feet away from the door, and then she starts fucking screaming.”

               You remember that bit – the screaming, that is, because it had woken you up from your slumber on Stacy’s couch. Everything is still blurry after that, disorientation fogging your brain from being so abruptly woken up.

               “She’s yelling and screeching, and if Nobunaga hadn’t been there I probably would’ve killed her myself just to get her to shut the fuck up. She’s got one of those high, shrill, shrieky voices, you know? The kind that really drive me up the wall - it’s damn annoying.” He pauses, looking at you skeptically. “Hope you haven’t got one of those, things’ll get messy real quick if you do.”

               You hope you don’t, either.

               “He rushes forward and tries to grab her, but she swats at him and, get this, manages to punch him in the dick.” He laughs aloud at that, slapping his knee and throwing his head back. “This weak-ass girl manages to get him on the ground flat, stupid ass’s hands clutching at his dick, and what does she do in the meantime? She runs over to the couch, grabbing this girl and staring back at me like I’m some monster.”

               You make a noise through the gag, but Uvogin ignores it.

               “I’ve gotta hand it to Stacy, though, she’s got guts. She starts yellin’ at us about how she won’t let us kill the girl, how she’ll kill herself before she lets us get our hands on her, and immediately Nobunaga crumbles. I don’t know why the idiot didn’t think of the possibility earlier, but he totally freezes up when she threatens that, just gaping like a fish. It was pretty awkward for me, to be honest, because watching him get so thoroughly rejected was giving me serious second hand embarrassment. I mean, the chick literally said she’d rather kill herself than let Nobuanga take her – pretty harsh if you ask me.”

               He looks back at your covered face, letting his gaze linger on the edges of the blindfold. “So he panics and gives into her demand, telling her he won’t kill her friend – says that he’ll just take her too, so that way everyone’s happy.”

               He frowns a bit at you, scratching the back of his neck. “Well, everyone except you, probably. And except Stacy, too, probably. And except me. So really, Nobunaga’s the only happy one.”

               Your face would sour if it was able to.

               “Anyways, it wasn’t hard to knock them both out and bring ‘em to their respective holding places. I’ve got no clue where the hell Nobunaga’s keeping his chick, but I’m sure you’ve figured out that you’re Stacy’s little friend.”

               You nod, slowly, the movement limited by your restraints. Your wrists have gone numb and your ankles feel bruised and sore, the ropes keeping them pinned the legs of the chair making blood flow difficult.

               “So, what to do with you now.” His voice is wistful, like he’s actually contemplating, and that same familiar fear washes over you again.

               He groans, the chair skidding out behind him as he stands to his full height. “Would you quit it with the fear? I already told you I’m not killing you, are you even listening to me?”

               You nod again, faster this time.

               Uvogin sighs, shuffling forward towards you. You can hear him approaching, and although your shoulders stiffen up, you try not to look as terrified as you feel. It doesn’t seem to work all that well, but he spares you another comment about it.

               Soon the blindfold is ripped off your head, leaving your hair messy and out of place, your eyes squinting and blinking rapidly to adjust to the rather bright white light hanging over you and what you can now see is an absolute behemoth of a man.

               He’s fucking huge – towering over you in every sense of the word, muscles practically bulging out of his body with how defined and massive they are. Black hairs cover every inch of his body you can see, even his arms and especially the bits of chest peeking out of his white top. Ragged, unruly hair sweeps down to his shoulders, making the muscles of his neck look even firmer, and you gulp. Any chance of escaping has basically left you now – there’s no way in hell you could ever beat that, especially if he’d already managed to kidnap you once.

               He clears his throat and your gaze is brought up to his face, a small, strange wave of embarrassment flooding through you as you realize you’ve been caught staring. He’s smirking, though, and you take in the sharp line of his jaw, the thick, dark eyebrows that frame equally dark eyes. He’s attractive, in a strange, rugged sort of way, and you immediately feel sick at the thought.

               “You like what you’re seein’?” He teases, and you immediately look away, still unable to reply with the gag covering your mouth.

               He laughs, and sets his hands on his lips. “Well, looks like you’re stuck with me. Before you freak out, I can’t kill you because that damn Stacy really seems to care about you, and she’s told Nobunaga she’ll kill herself if she doesn’t get regular proof that you’re still alive.”

               A flame of hope ignites in your chest, and internally you thank Stacy, even if this whole situation is less than ideal.

               He seems to sense your sudden upturn in mood, chuckling with a condescending lilt. “Oh no, princess, that doesn’t mean I’m letting you go. No, you’ve gotta stay put, because now that you know what I look like, you’ll go to the cops and report me as fast as those little legs of yours can manage.”

               You shake your head at that, eyes glistening with tears as he shuts down your last hope of escaping. Please, you internally beg him, hoping he’ll somehow be able to sense this too. I won’t, I promise!

               His gaze narrows at you, before that same smirk is back. “I’m sure if you could talk you’d be telling me how you’ll never tell a soul, but you and I both know that’s bullshit. So I’ll save us both some time and keep you here, so that I don’t have to track you down again and lock you back up once you’ve just gotten free.”

               You visibly deflate, and if Uvogin had been a kinder man, he would’ve almost felt bad for you. But instead, he just hums, crouching down in front of you. Even squatting he’s still taller than you, and it does nothing to make you feel less scared.

               “Now listen up, here are the rules. I’m a pretty nice guy, all things considered, so don’t break my rules and I won’t break your bones.”

               Your eyes get wide, but you nod along. He smiles, patting your knee.

               “That’s good, see? You’re already doing better than that Stacy girl, at least you’re not fighting me every step of the way.” Something about his statement makes guilt eat away at your chest – are you supposed to be fighting more? There doesn’t really seem to be a point – this man is massive, and you’re all bound and unable to move. You’re doing the best you can, right?

               “First,” He holds up a finger, “don’t even bother trying to escape. I’m bigger than you, faster than you, stronger than you, and smarter than you. There’s nothing you can try that I won’t see through, and you’ll end up regretting it more than you can imagine.

               “Second, no trying to hurt yourself. Nobunaga will kill me if I let you die, and it’d be a pain to deal with him.” He fixes you a stern look, and you nod.

               “Third, don’t go digging through my shit. I’m doing my buddy a favor by keeping you here, and if I find you snooping around… He didn’t say anything about roughing you up a bit, and it might be good for Stacy to see you with some bruises or a cast or two.” His threat doesn’t go unheard, and you nod again, throat bobbing as you swallow.

               He stares at you for a moment more, gaze calculating and judging whether you’ve really accepted his conditions, before strong fingers come up to untie the knot keeping your gag in place.

               “Don’t you scream, I’ll have to shut you up if you do.” He warns, before pulling the fabric away. Immediately you’re flexing your jaw, the muscle aching as you move it, and he watches with a neutral expression. You’re still tied up, unable to move really, and Uvogin gets a fleeting thought of how pitiful you look.

               “Um,” You start, your voice a bit hoarse from being so dry and unused for the last few hours. “What’s your name?”

               He blinks, before laughing a bit. “Of all the questions you could’ve asked, all the things you could’ve said and done as soon as you woke up from learning you’ve been kidnapped, and that’s what you chose? Shit, you wouldn’t survive in the wild, would you?”

               Shame creeps up your neck at his belittlement, but before you can defend yourself he’s answering. “It’s Uvogin.”

               You nod, not willing to look at him. It’s silent for a few moments, before he sighs again and reaches forward to untie the rope shackling your ankles and wrists. As soon as you’re free, you try to stretch out your limbs, keeping a weary eye on the man – Uvogin.

               What a stupid name.

               “Well, the fact that you’re not screaming your head off is a promising sign. Get up, I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.” He orders, already taking off towards the door in the corner of the small room. You try to follow him, but your legs aren’t moving right, and it takes you a while to make your way over there. He looks irritated at your lack of speed, but says nothing, only holding open the door until you make your way through.

               You’re led down into a rather sparse apartment, only furnished with a single gray couch against one wall (with a few stains on it that make you wince a bit), a TV and some cabinets, a wooden table and two chairs, and a beat-up fridge in the adjoining kitchen. Everything’s clean, but the space lacks any sort of personality, and it makes you uncomfortable.

               “That’s your bed, extra blankets are in the closet. If you need anything tell me, and I might snag it for you next time I’m out on a job.” Something about the way he says ‘snag’ makes you nervous, so you just mutter a small affirmation.

               He gives you one last glance over, his eyes once again lingering on your chest, before stepping through the doorway.

               “Wait, Uvogin!” Your voice, a bit wobbly and unsure, makes him turn back, his brow cocked and curiosity dancing on his features. (And a bit of surprise, too, because he hadn’t expected you to say anything to him, or even use his name. Maybe you weren’t as skittish and weak as you seemed – though, he doubted that.)

               “Um, is it possible for me to see Stacy soon?” You asked, voice growing smaller with every word. He blinks, before standing up a bit straighter.

               “Actually, you’re in luck. Nobunaga called me about an hour ago and let me know we’re meeting up in a few days – he said it would be good for Stacy to have a ‘playdate’ with you. Whatever the fuck that means.” Uvogin shrugs, looking entirely uninterested, and you bristle at Nobunaga’s choice of words. Poor Stacy.

               Excitement brews in your chest; at least you’ll have a familiar face, and hopefully the stranger hasn’t done anything too terrible to your friend. Nodding, you glance back to the floor, wishing the hulking man staring at you would just leave. He does, a few moments later, and only then do you allow yourself to slump onto the bed he’s assigned you. The bedroom is bare like the rest of the home, with a twin bed set in the corner and a small set of drawers sitting nearby. It makes you laugh humorlessly – were you supposed to fill that chest? With what? You hadn’t brought anything with you, and you seriously doubted Uvogin would let you return home to grab some of your clothes.

               Sighing, you sat onto the bed, the mattress firm under you. Distantly, some part of you was pleased – at least the bed would be comfortable enough.

               Time passes slowly as you sit on the bed – not your bed, not yet. You stare at the wall ahead of you, the fear slowly seeping out of your system until only exhaustion remains. Sleep eventually takes over, and although you try to fight it, you’re slipping into a dreamless slumber before long.

               Uvogin’s tolerable, you’ve found. He’s certainly not nice, nor is he an especially great person to be around, but he could be much worse, you suppose. He’s fed you twice daily for however long you’ve been stuck here (it feels like a week, so you’re assuming it is, if only to stave off any self-doubt that’s creeping into the corners of your mind), and the food’s not terrible. It’s clearly takeout, the packaging sometimes even having Chinese characters on it or restaurant logos, and you’ve been mostly satisfied with his choices so far. He’ll sometimes ask you what you want, and while you were too scared to answer the first few times (which only makes him scowl and roll his eyes, muttering a small damn, Nobunaga owes me one), eventually you’d felt safe enough to be honest.

               He hasn’t hurt you, either. At least, not yet. You’re aware he could, if he wanted to – those muscles make it hard to forget, and you’d seen him crush his phone in his hand like a bug when a phone call with someone named Franklinwent poorly.

               He’s scary, still, but you’ve reached the point now where you aren’t practically hyperventilating every time he enters the room. You still keep him in your field of vision, weary for any sudden changes in his behavior, but every day that passes has you growing more complacent with your position. The constant threat of Stacy potentially facing consequences for your actions doesn’t deter you from being on your best behavior, either.

               Besides, sometimes he’s even a little bit funny – not that you’d ever laugh at his jokes, but he has this weird sense of humor that you think you’d like, if the situation had been different. If you’d met him on the street you definitely would’ve tried to cross to the other side, but you would’ve found him oddly charming, his snide remarks and cocky air a bit entertaining.

               You try not to think about that, though, because the mere presence of these thoughts means the Stockholm Syndrome is starting to kick in. And while you aren’t the most resilient person on the planet, even you have to admit it’s a bit early for that.

               Sighing, you take another bite of the curry he’d brought you, pleasantly surprised that the spice level was perfect. Uvogin didn’t have many rules, it was true, but he did have a few unspoken ones – one of which being that meals, particularly take-out meals, were to be eaten at the small, rickety table. Together, which wasn’t ideal.

               “I’ve gotta make sure you don’t try to starve yourself or choke.” He’d told you the first time, grabbing your shoulders and forcing you into the seat across from his, the noodles sitting in front of you still packaged neatly in their container. At first you’d been nervous he would try to poison you, but eventually hunger got the best of you and you were slurping the noodles down, still keeping a nervous eye on the hulking man in front of you.

               “So, big news.” He starts, taking a bite out of his chicken. He always took big bites, you’d noticed, but he ordered enough food that even if his pace was twice as fast as yours, he never finished before you.

               You glance up at him, trying not to let toomuch curiosity show on your face, but he seems to realize anyway.

               “I know you haven’t been up to much, but don’t make your excitement so obvious. Hurts my feelings to know you think I’m so boring.” He’s joking, you think, and to sate him you attempt to smile.

               “Nobunaga called me again this morning; today’s the day.”

               You practically choke on your food, eyes blowing wide and your hands beginning to shake. Finally, finally you’d be able to see Stacy – you’d been worried sick about her the last week or so, terrified that her transition to the life of being a captive hadn’t gone as smoothly as your own. (You snorted bitterly at that – smooth probably wasn’t the best word for how you’d been feeling, but at least you hadn’t been hit yet, or assaulted or any number of things. Hopefully Nobunaga wasn’t any worse of a person than your own captor.)

               Uvogin is watching you, you realize, with a strange look in his eye. As soon as you glance up at him you look away again, clearing your throat and trying to keep your voice even as you ask, “That’s good, it’ll be nice to see her again.”

               It’s silent for a moment, before his booming laugh makes you wince a bit. “Yeah, I’m sure you are. Finish up, I don’t like wasting food. Once you’re done we’ll head out - try to not to choke.”

               He says that right as you start shoveling the food into your mouth, hoping that eating quicker will mean you can see Stacy quicker. He chuckles at you, but you follow his orders and slow down a bit. He throws you one more glance, that cocky smile on his lips, before digging into his own food again.

               He’s eating a bit faster than normal, too, you notice.

               He apologizes with an insincere tone as he ties the blindfold back on you (he’d told you that you can’t know where you are just in case you decide to get rebellious and run away), and soon you’re stuffed into a car. Everything’s hard to keep track of when you can’t see, but Uvogin’s talking (like normal), so you try to tune into the sound of his voice to help the time pass.

               “Now listen, you might not wanna touch her too much, Nobunaga’s a bit…” He trails off, and you can hear his hand tightening on the steering wheel. “Possessive. You’re her friend and all, and I’m sure he won’t hurt you, especially not in front of her, but be careful.”

               You nod, absentmindedly.

               “Also, don’t be too surprised if she doesn’t look the way she used to. He was always going on about how she was dressed too inappropriately in her day-to-day life, so she might be a little underdressed.”

               He’d hesitated to say underdressed, and you tried not to think about what that could mean.

               It’s quiet for a few moments, and you shift in the car seat. He’d let you sit in the front, an unexpected luxury, but you didn’t like that he could see you while you couldn’t see him. He wouldn’t hurt you, you were mostly confident of that now, but who knew what he had planned.

               “We’re almost there. If things go badly, I’ll get you out of there. You’re pretty damn weak, a broken bone would probably take a few weeks for you to heal. I don’t want to deal with you being injured, and I’m sure you don’t, either.”

               Your lips must’ve given away your fear, because a moment later he’s sighing. “Did you know that you practically reek your emotions? I feel like I can smell ‘em, even when I can’t even see half your damn face.”

               You don’t have anything to say to that, but you force yourself to speak anyway, not wanting to dignify his last comment. “Do you think – well, do you think Nobunaga will want to hurt me?”

               Uvogin ponders your question for a moment, surprised that you’d spoken up. You hadn’t done much talking in the time he’d had you – he was sure it was because you were scared, but it was nice to hear you talking to him like you weren’t scared shitless of him. Even if you had every reason to be so terrified.

               “Honestly, probably. Especially if you touch her.”

               You suck in a breath, and Uvogin hums. “But it’s not going to happen.”

               “What do you mean?”

               You could practically hear his toothy grin.

               “It’s my job to protect you, right? So I will. Even if the one you need protecting from is the same guy who wants you to be protected.”

               Something in his tone gives you the impression he means those words more than he’s letting on, and you shiver as you imagine just who this Nobunaga guy could possibly be.

               “Oh my god, oh my god – you’re alive! Thank god!” Stacy sobs, arms wrapping around you like a vice before you can even respond. You clutch her back just as tightly, burying your face into her brown curls, a few tears pricking at your eyes. You’d been nervous that Nobunaga would’ve hurt her, with the way Uvogin was describing him, but after a thorough look-over, you find no bruises or marks marring her olive skin.

               Eventually she pulls back, but keeps her hands firmly grasping your shoulders. Her eyes are red with tears, and her lower lip is wobbling. She’s not hurt, but she looks bad – there’s heavy bags under eyes and her hair is frazzled, her lips look swollen and she’s clutching onto you hard. Really hard.

               “Stacy, are you hurt?” You ask, letting your hands cup her cheeks. You see Nobunaga – who Uvogin had pointed out with a small that’s the guy when you’d walked in – stiffen up at that, and Uvogin’s warning flashes through your mind. You might not want to touch her. Right.

               Stacy glances over at her captor, and you follow her gaze, only to see Uvogin give you a small nod and drag his friend out the door by the collar of his purple kimono, calling over his shoulder that they’ll be back in exactly five minutes, and that they’ll know if you try to escape.

               As soon as the door closes, Stacy pulls you in for another hug, the words flying out of her mouth so quickly you can barely understand her. “He’s – Nobunaga, he’s horrible. He never leaves me alone, and he treats me like I’m some incompetent little baby, and he’s always touching me and I just – I can’t –“

               You cut her off by pressing her face into your neck again, rubbing the back of her head and letting her cry. You’re crying too, now, but your tears fall silently compared to her sobbing.

               You don’t say much, because what can you say? It would be a lie to tell her that everything’s going to be okay, and every other reassurance that dances on the tip of your tongue just feels wrong, like you’d be pointedly lying to her. Instead, you let her get it out, her grip on you never loosening. You’d known Nobunaga had been the root of all her anxieties the last few months, long before he’d gotten the gall to kidnap her. And while you were happy that she wasn’t hurt, it still pained you to see her like this.

               Eventually she’d calmed down, and you feel her pull back and wipe at her sniffling nose. “I’m so sorry.” She whispers to you, looking like she’s on the verge of crying again. “I didn’t mean to drag you into this mess, I should’ve just gone quietly and left you alone. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay with me for a few weeks, now you’re really stuck with that monster.”

               You don’t tell her that it’s okay, because it’s not. Some part of you is still bitter and resentful towards her for involving you, because she’s right. You could be still living your life if she hadn’t requested you to help deter her stalker from making a move. But despite your anger, you can’t find it in yourself to hate her. Not when she’s like this – not when she’s probably experiencing something even worse than you.

               “It doesn’t matter now, all that matters is that we’re both alive, and we’re both okay. Or, at least, okay as we can be, given the situation.” You tell her, smiling softly. She blinks at you, eyes wide and vulnerable, before nodding and swallowing.

               “Yeah, I was worried that you wouldn’t be, with the way Nobunaga was talking about Uvogin.” Her voice was hoarse still, and you laughed humorlessly at that.

               “Yeah, well, he hasn’t hurt me yet, so I think I’ll be okay. He mostly just ignores me, honestly, so I guess I’m lucky.” Your attempt at optimism doesn’t make Stacy smile like you’d hoped. Rather, her lips pull into a frown and her eyebrows furrow.

               “He ignores you? That doesn’t make sense.”

               You expression mirrors hers. “What? I mean, the only reason I got kidnapped too was insurance so that you wouldn’t kill yourself –“

               Stacy’s face morphs into one of horror, and her grip on your shoulders goes slack.

               Quickly you’re backpedaling, worried the mention of her self-imposed death might’ve triggered something you wanted to avoid. “I’m not saying it’s your fault, I totally understand why you –“

               “Alright, time’s up.” Nobunaga’s voice interrupts, and knuckly hands are suddenly on your shoulders, pushing you aside so that Nobunaga can stand in front of Stacy. You stumble back, falling backwards against Uvogin’s hard chest, immediately standing up straight.

               Nobunaga’s cupping Stacy’s chin, and you can see from this angle the way he smiles, a slight pink color flooding his cheeks. It makes you sick, and the pained look on Stacy’s face only makes your gut sink more. She’s looking at you still, and something about the way her brows are cocked inward that makes you feel like she’s almost pitying you.  

               “Did you miss me, baby?” Nobunaga’s cooing down at her, and it makes your skin crawl. Uvogin sighs from behind you and grabs your wrist, dragging you out of the room. His grip is surprisingly gentle, and as you watch Stacy slowly fade from your view, you can’t help but be slightly grateful that at least your captor isn’t leaning down for a kiss like hers.

               The car ride home is mostly quiet, and it’s not until you’re nearing the end of your time in the vehicle that Uvogin breaks the silence.

               “So, what did you talk about while we were gone? Girly shit?” You think he’s attempting a joke, but you can’t even pretend to laugh at it.

               “She’s not happy.” You comment, voice slightly flat, and Uvogin snorts at your words.

               “Of course she’s not happy, she’s just been kidnapped. And by her stalker, no less – would anyone be happy? Hell, are you happy?” He asks you, and you blanch at his question. Somehow, though, it feels like some sort of trap, so you stay quiet.

               He doesn’t say anything more until he’s pulling you out of the car, your footsteps hesitant and clumsy because he’d put that damn blindfold on you again. He guides you up to the apartment, and soon you’re standing in the living room area, the fabric falling from your eyes.

               “I’ve got some errands to run today, so I’ll be gone for a while. Do you want anything while I’m out?” He asks, standing in front of the door with his arms crossed. You’re a bit touched that he’s offering to get you something, but you try not to focus on it. Of course you’re feeling grateful for him – he may be holding you captive, yes, but at least he hasn’t tried to kiss you or touch you. Poor Stacy didn’t share your luck.

               “Um, maybe some chips? I don’t care what flavor, just something crunchy…” You trail off, looking at him nervously. You’d never requested anything before, and some part of you is convinced he’d only asked you the question to laugh in your face and deny you.

               He cracks a smile and nods, hand already on the doorknob. “Okay. Okay, but you’d better be prepared to share, because I happen to be a big chip fan myself. So don’t get greedy, yeah?”

               You half-smile, rubbing at your arm. “Yeah, I won’t be.”

               He steps out the door, and once again the apartment is silent, his presence gone and all movement within the room gone, too.

               The TV won’t work for you, you know that, but you’re still trying to get it to behave. Uvogin had to type in some password every time he turned it on, and it was too long and encoded for you to ever be able to decipher it. Still, you were clicking the power button of the remote over and over, hoping against hope that it would somehow short circuit and bypass that password screen. When it didn’t, you only sighed, rising to your feet and wandering towards the monitor.

               Uvogin, you’d learned, was surprisingly meticulous – surprisingly organized, really. Meaning there was a chance he’d written down the password to the TV and had it stored somewhere. He’d only been gone for about a half hour, if the clock was any indication, and you had a lot of time to kill before he returned home. Not that he was your only source of entertainment – though, you’d read the single book he owned three times already.

               Your knees crack as you kneel down in front of the cupboard the TV was sitting on, the wooden doors creaking as they open. The shelves are mostly empty – a few older remotes, and a cable channel guide.

               Frustrated, you huff and let your shoulders slump, trying to decide what to do next. The TV obviously wasn’t planning on cooperating, though there was a cupboard right next to the one you’re searching through that could potentially hold the answer.

               Uvogin’s rules distantly float through your mind, his gruff voice replaying in perfect clarity. Third, don’t go digging through my shit. Glancing back up the clock, you bite your lip. You had time, because while he was massive and huge and scary, there was no way he could get all his errands done in just thirty minutes.

               With a deep breath, you move over to the other cabinet, letting your fingers curl around the knob. The doors don’t creak when they open, and immediately you’re scanning the shelves. These ones are full – with boxes, each labeled with a date on them. Cocking a brow, you examine the dates. January 4th – January 25th, April 29th – May 7th, and so on.

               Intrigued, you slowly slide out one of the boxes, noticing not a single bit of dust is sitting on the cover. He must use this cabinet much more often than the one you’d been searching through previously, as a thick layer of dust had sprung up in your face the moment you opened the cabinet door.

               The box itself is light, but you still set it down in front of you, your fingers delicate and careful, too worried that you’ll break something if you press too hard. And then Uvogin would know, surely, especially if he truly used this cabinet that often.

               Slowly, you take off the box’s cover, and immediately your brows are scrunching together. What the hell?

               When you’d imagined the kind of ‘shit’ Uvogin didn’t want you to snoop through, you hadn’t pegged it to be this. Whatever this was, that is.

               It looked like a box full of receipts – tons of pieces of paper, all in weird sizes or shapes that looked like they were ripped out of some sort of notebook. The handwriting is messy, the letters all crammed together and difficult to decipher. You pick the paper on top up, turning it this way and that, trying to read the text.

               Her: Sorry, I know it’s late, but I need to ask you a quick question.

               Them: Yeah? What’s up?

               Her: Do you think he’s alright? Chris, I mean – he hasn’t called me back for a few days, and I’m worried about him.

               Them: You know Chris, it always takes him a while to respond. I wouldn’t worry, he’s just unpredictable.

               Her: Yeah, I guess…

               [6 second pause]

               Them: Go to sleep, it’s late. You’ve got work in the morning, right?

               Her: Yeah, I do. Okay, okay, I’m getting into bed now. Goodnight.

               Them: Goodnight, call me when you hear back from him.

               Her: Okay.

               What was this? The ambiguity of it all confused you – who was her? Them? Chris?

               You furrowed your brows, confusion sitting in your gut alongside a strange feeling. The hairs at the back of your neck prickled up, and a small pang of unease bolted through you.

               Setting the piece of paper back into the bin, you picked up another one. This one was shorter, more to the point.

               Her: Are we still on for Friday night?

               Them: Yeah! Freddy’s, nine o’clock sharp. I’m buying, remember.

               Her: You always say that, and you always get too shit faced to pay. Liar!

               Them: Hey, I just know how to have fun! You could learn how to do that, you know.

               Her: Yeah yeah, okay, I’ll see you later.

               Your fingers are shaking as you finish reading the small, triangular slip of paper. Your lips are slightly parted, brows still crunched together. Something about the interaction between Her and Them felt oddly familiar – like something you’d heard before.

               And the mention of Freddy’s. That’d been the name of a bar you frequented often with your friends, back before everything had gone to shit with Stacy.

               Unnerved, you set the piece of paper back in the box and slide the box into its place on the shelf, running your eyes back over the listed date. August 28th – September 16th. One of your best friend’s birthdays was in that range.

               Wiping your palms on your thighs, you try to calm the pounding of your heart. Something feels off, wrong in a way you can’t quite place. Surely, Freddy’s is a common enough name; it doesn’t necessarily mean your favorite bar. Plus, even if it does mean that particular bar, who knew who these people were. You surely don’t - who the hell is Chris?

               Wanting to put some distance between you and the cabinet, you get to your feet again and close it, wandering away into the little hallway connecting the living space, bathroom and two bedrooms. Cupping some water in your hands from the bathroom sink, you splash your face, letting the cold wash over your skin. Closing your eyes, you try to calm down. It doesn’t mean anything – how could it? You’re probably just all shaken up after seeing Stacy and her freaky captor. Nobunaga disturbed you, you can’t deny it.

               Sighing, you open your eyes, wiping your face with your towel. (Uvogin had been kind enough to give you one designated as your own, saving you from the horrible fate of having you dry your body with a towel that he’d already used.) Though you notice with a small start that the towel is wet, despite you not having showered recently. Odd.

               As you turn to leave the room, you notice a shirt sitting piled up in the corner. It was black, and surely not your own – holding it up, it looked big enough to dwarf you. Must be Uvogin’s, then.

               His bedroom is across from your own, and while you haven’t been inside it yet, it feels wrong to just leave his shirt on the floor, where it could get dirty and maybe even moldy. Besides, doing a little cleaning would keep you occupied – both from boredom, and from contemplating those weird slips of paper further.

               You slowly open the door, immediately getting hit with a wave of musk. Uvogin normally smelled decent, but the scent in here is strong enough to make you wince a bit, the overwhelming stench of sweat, mint, and male making you a bit nauseous. To your surprise, the room is spotless – a very, very large bed sits floated in the middle, a navy and black flannel comforter covering the top while a few large, puffy pillows sit at attention at the head. A few pairs of boots are lined up in the corner, and a single picture looks to be taped up on the wall above them. Curiously, you step forward, moving towards the photo.

               Uvogin had told you very little about himself – only that he worked as a contractor, of sorts, and that he didn’t have too many friends, so you wouldn’t have to worry about visitors. But now that you’re looking at the photo, you’re wondering if maybe that last statement hadn’t been so true – the photo is of a dozen or so people, all posing for the camera with various degrees of a smile on their face. Uvogin’s in the back, on the left side, his arm wrapped around the shoulders of a shorter blond man, his blue eyes in a wink and holding up his thumb. Uvogin’s smiling, and as you scan the photo, you stop when you hit Nobunaga, who’s seated in the front row next to a woman with big glasses and a modified cross necklace. Everyone looks happy, and briefly you wonder whether Uvogin considers these people friends. He must, if Nobunaga’s present – an odd sort of satisfaction worms its way into your chest at the thought. You don’t like Uvogin, surely not – but still, everyone needs friends, right? Even kidnappers.

               God, you really are starting to develop Stockholm Syndrome.

               Shaking your head to try and clear the thoughts, you approach his closet and snag a hanger, trying to hang up the shirt you’re holding in your arms. The thing is tall, and as you try to get the hanger’s hook to wrap over the metal bar, your eyes fall to the side, noticing something out of the corner of your vision.

               It’s a soft pink, and you cock a brow. Uvogin? Owning something pink?

               Eventually, and with a soft grunt, you get the hanger to successfully sit onto the bar, and immediately you’re investigating the pink thing. This goes directly against his rules, you know – you’re quite literally snooping, but hopefully he’d still be out for longer. Besides, even if he comes back, you could just tell him you’re putting away his shirt, and maybe he wouldn’t call you on your half-lie.

               Whatever the thing is, it’s wedged pretty far back in the closet – you’d only managed to catch a brief glimpse of it, and for good reason. There’s a storage container in the back of the closet, an organizer of sorts with some compartments that all seem to be stuffed full. It’s hard to see, the overhead light dim to begin with and not penetrating too deeply into the dark closet, but you’re able to fish out the pink fabric soon enough.

               It's lace, you realize, your curiosity only doubling. That same pin-prickly feeling is back, and as you slowly flatten out the cloth, your breath catches.

               It’s a thong. Pink and lacy, with a bow decorating the back, right over the tailbone.

               But more than that, the thong looks familiar. There’s a thread pulled on the front right side, and a stain on the fabric at the very bottom, looking awfully similar to the color your own discharge makes once it’s been washed.

               Your fingers are shaking again, and you stumble back a bit, the back of your knees catching onto the bed so that you fall back and land on your ass, too busy staring at the cloth in your hands to bother trying to situate yourself.

               These panties are yours.

               You’re sure of it – you know because Stacy bought them for you a few months ago. She’d cheekily handed them to you with a big, gaudy bow on top, a wink sent your way and a demure because I know you’ve got a date tonight, and I also know you haven’t gotten laid in way too long. That was the night you’d been set up on a blind date with a friend’s coworker. He’d been nice, though you hadn’t slept with him, and you hadn’t gone out again after that. He didn’t seem all that interested in you as a romantic pursuit, but he was funny, and you’d hoped you could become friends, at least.

               And his name was Chris. And he’d gone missing a few days after.

               You drop the panties, a hand coming up to cover your mouth.

               You don’t want to, and you know you shouldn’t, but before you can stop yourself you’re rushing forward to the closet, digging back to that storage compartment and rooting around for anything else you can find. It must be a coincidence; it has to be a coincidence. These can’t be your panties, you must be mistaken – why would Uvogin have these? How could he have these? You’d lost them in the laundry a while back.

               At least, that’s what you’d assumed.

               Pulling your hand back, you see you’ve grabbed a few items. They’re smaller, not clothing, but nonetheless incriminating. There’s a chapstick container, with a strange flavor on it that you’ve only seen once, back when you won it in some weird fundraising fair you’d been at for your job. Kiwi banana grape, it said in curling black lettering, and when you pop open the top, you notice it’s almost completely empty.

               There’s also a button; it’s black with a strange shape, one you recognize as being from your favorite jacket. It’d fallen off one day, but you’d been too busy walking around the city to have realized. It was a real bummer, because it’d rendered the jacket unwearable because too big a draft would sneak through it.

               And lastly, there’s a bandaid – it’s old, you can tell, with a kiddy pattern of some fairies and a dinosaur on it that the nurse had apologized for having to use, telling you it was all they had available at the time. You remembered it – it’d made you laugh that you’d gotten your flu shot and she’d patched it up with a bandaid designed for six year olds, even going so far as to snap a photo and send it in the group chat you kept with your friends.

               You feel sick.

               Throwing the small items back into the compartment, you rush to the bathroom, barely making it before you’re heaving, all the curry you’d forced down your throat earlier coming right back up.

               What the fuck?

               Who was Uvogin? Why did he have all of this? How did he have all of this? What did it mean? Your head’s rushing, too many thoughts and implications swimming through your oversaturated mind, and you have just barely enough strength to flush the toilet and stand up, staring at yourself in the mirror.

               Stacy’s words rush back to you as you examine your face, seeing your wide eyes and the way your chest is rising and falling with each harsh breath slipping through your lips. He ignores you? That doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense – none of it at all. Why would your by-association captor have any of your personal items? Especially personal items you’d lost or thrown away literal months ago, long before you’d ever started staying over at Stacy’s?

               You know why, you just don’t want to admit it, and as you stare at yourself in the mirror, you try to come up with any other possible explanation. No. It can’t be. Stacy’s the one with the creepy stalker, not me.

               Suddenly, the sound of the front door’s lock clicking open makes you snap up, adrenaline suddenly coursing through your veins. Uvogin’s home.

               Immediately you’re running to your bed, jumping under the covers and shutting your eyes tightly, praying that Uvogin will think you’re asleep and won’t bother you. You need more time to figure this out – it’s all too much, and while it probably won’t be any easier the longer you wait, you need something.

               You can’t look at him yet. You won’t.

               “I got your chips! Didn’t know which flavor to choose, so I got three I think you might like. I’m serious, though, you have to share. I’m an animal, and I will steal your food.” He laughs at that, and you hear him set down the grocery bags on the kitchen counter. Your eyes are still closed so tightly that it hurts, and you ball your fists up in the blankets as hard as you can. You’d curled up into a fetal position, and you force yourself to stay still as you hear his loud footsteps coming down the hall.

               He calls your name, peeking his head into every room he passes. Soon he sees you in your bed, and although you look a little stiff, his shoulders immediately lose their tension. A smile flits across his lips, and he slowly, quietly shuts the door, retreating back to his own room.

               You sigh, peeling open your eyes and trying to get your breathing under control. You’d been holding your breath, and now that he’s actually home in the apartment, it’s difficult to not let yourself panic.

               It becomes much, much more difficult when you hear a noise come from his bedroom, though. What the hell’s this?

               There’s a muffled curse, and your blood runs cold as quick, heavy footsteps lead right up to your door. He swings it open and your eyes fly shut, trying desperately in vain to appear like you’re still sleeping.

               “Wake the fuck up.” He says, and immediately you open your eyes, your fear too strong to ignore. He’s holding the pink panties in his hands, and you realize with a small burst of terror that in your haste to get to the bathroom, you’d left them on the floor. In his room. Right where he can see that they’ve been moved.

               Fuck fuck fuck.

               "I only have three rules. What are they?” He barks, and you’re trying to curl up even smaller, hoping his promise of not hurting you will still ring true. Though, he’s lied about pretty much everything else – how do you know if that part wasn’t all a lie, too?

               “No hurting myself, no escaping, and no – no snooping.” You whisper, and Uvogin bares his teeth.

               “I’ve been good to you – patient, something that takes a hell of a lot of effort for me. And what do you do in return? You go and do one of the very few things I’ve forbidden.” He looks impossibly tall right now, towering over you with those muscles, the panties looking downright tiny between his monstrous fingers. “Tell me why. Explain to me why the hell you were snooping through my closet.”

               You shut your eyes again, too scared to look at him. “I was putting away a shirt you left in the bathroom. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did it, please don’t hurt me, please –“

               He interrupts you with a huff, and you tense up, waiting for some blow to land. It doesn’t, though, and after a good thirty seconds, you finally peel an eye open, almost too scared to see what he’s doing.

               You don’t expect the small smile that’s sitting on his lips, nor the hand on his hip. He locks his eyes with yours, then sighs. “Well, this is most definitely not the way I wanted you to find out. See, I had this whole plan – Nobunaga came up with it, one of the very few things he’s ever thought of that actually impressed me.”

               You’re confused again, but that sick feeling still hasn’t gone away. All you can seem to look at are your panties, wedged in his fist.

               “He told me that since you and Stacy were so close, we could cut a deal – kidnap you both at once, get more bang for our buck. There was no way to hide Nobunaga’s feelings for Stacy, sure, but you? Well, you haven’t noticed anyone following you, have you?” Uvogin asks, cocking his head at you and letting his smile get a bit wider.

               You quickly shake your head no.

               “I’m better at this stuff than he is. He always gets too excited to talk to her, wants to interact and have her lookin’ at him. I get it, I really do. Even now, even with you scared shitless and looking at me like I’m about to kill you, just you acknowledging me is getting me hard as a fucking rock.”

               Involuntarily, your eyes dart down to his navel, and with a small, strangled sound of fear, you notice the way there’s a prominent bulge forming in those shorts of his.

               He laughs at your change in focus, and steps forward. Hooking a finger under your chin, he smirks down at you. “I’m better at hiding myself, and I was willing to play the long game, content with watching you until the right time came to snatch you up. But when Nobunaga offered, telling me there was a way to get you all to myself and make sure you grew to want me organically? Well, I couldn’t resist, could I?”

               You want to tell him he absolutely could’ve, or that you wouldn’t have ‘wanted him organically’, whatever the hell that meant, but your tongue doesn’t seem to be working.

               He leans down, face coming closer and closer to yours. “You had no idea, did you? How do you think I knew what kind of mattress to get you? How do you think I knew exactly what to order for you for takeout, even when you were too scared to tell me? How do you think I know what shampoo and conditioner to buy you, or even what kind of fucking cologne you like? Believe me, I’m only wearing this shit for you.”

               You’re frozen, unable to move, unable to do anything but stare at him.

               “Do you get it now, princess? See, Nobunaga doesn’t give two shits about whether you live or die – he’ll get Stacy to do what he wants no matter what. But me? I give a shit.” He’s so close to you that you can smell his breath. It’s minty, like he’s just recently brushed his teeth. The cold smell only makes you shiver, fear still tingling up your spine.

               “Why?” You whisper, overwhelmed at his sudden confession.

               He pauses at that, smirk falling away as he genuinely considers your words. He’s quiet for a moment, before he smiles again, but this time it’s not as predatory – there’s something oddly soft about it, and it makes you feel worse.

               “Because you’re perfect. That’s all.” He answers like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and before you can say anything he’s clambering on the bed next to you. You want to fight him off, to jump up off the bed and run, but you can’t seem to find the energy to. Besides, you’re not delusional enough to think you could beat Uvogin in any sort of physical altercation or chase. And while he still seemed to be adhering to his promise of not hurting you, you didn’t feel like testing the waters.

               “So I guess the jig’s up. I was hoping you wouldn’t find out, but I can work with this, too. At least now I don’t have to act like I don’t know you. And now, I don’t have to do all that respectful distance shit – you’re mine now, babe, and now I don’t have to hide it.” He’s grinning again, his teeth looking too sharp, and before you can blink he’s above you, your wrists pinned above your head and his lips inches away from yours.

               “So why don’t I show you just how much your attention the last week’s been affecting me?” His voice is low, sultry, and makes you gulp. He presses his face into your neck, deeply inhaling and groaning. “I promise I can make you feel good… I’ll tell you my last rule, okay?”

               You’re frozen, but when he pulls back to glare at you, you shakily mutter out an ‘okay’.

               His grin is wolfish, predatory, scary. “Rule number four is no running away from me, even if that cute little body of yours can’t take anymore. Got it?”

               You nod.

[ilovenatasharomanoff2-0]

hey! if you're taking requests, i'd like to make one:

with the latest natasha you've written (nerdy!amab!nat) wearing a compression shirt and grey sweatpants 😩😭🥵 and reader obviously can't do anything else but give her head

In a trance

Warnings: oral (n receiving) sub! Natasha, fluff, deepthroating, That's it I think

Pairings: Intersex Beefy Natasha Romanoff (she has a dick) x fem reader.

An: Thank you for the request, please keep them coming innn

Word count: 1.7k

You were making your way to your girlfriend's house. She wanted to watch some movies with you and maybe take you to an ice skating rink. The frigid air nipped at your nose and cheeks. Despite the cold, you felt a warmth in my heart knowing that I would soon be spending some quality time with her. The snowflakes gently fell from the sky, adding to the atmosphere of the holiday season.

You knocked on her door a few times when you arrived at her doorstep, waiting a couple of minutes for her to answer the door. "Hi, Y/n! sorry it took me so long to get the door, Yelena was being annoying as usual and was blocking my way." She told you before bringing you into a hug. Your head buried in her chest.

"It's okay Nat, as long as I get to see you I'm fine." You tell her with a smile on your face, her face lighting up as you say that.

As you and Natasha talk, you catch a good glimpse of her outfit. Her glasses have fogged up slightly, She's dressed in a sleek Nike compression shirt, which highlights her toned muscles and defined abs. The black sleeves of the shirt hug her biceps snugly, accentuating her strength. It still shocks you that she has such a muscular build, she doesn't look like the type of person to work out.

Her sweatpants are loose, but you can still see the prominent bulge in her pants. She's totally oblivious to the fact that her outfit is so revealing.

"Is everything okay y/n? Are you gonna come in?" She asks you, her cheeks starting to become red from the chilling air.

"Mhm - I was just thinking about something sorry." You tell Natasha and walk into her house. As you enter, you notice that it is already adorned with festive decorations, indicative of the upcoming holiday. Upon glancing over to the side, you see Melina diligently preparing a meal in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Alexi sits comfortably at the island counter, engaged in conversation with her with a bottle of beer In his hand.

His head turning around when he heard the front door close.

"Oh hi Y/n. How are you?" He asks, a smile igniting his face as he talks to you.

"Y/n's here? Why didn't you tell me, Natalia? I would've already had dinner done. Hi, y/n!" Melina tells Natasha. She rolls her eyes a bit and waits for you to finish your conversation with her parents. Her arms snake up around your waist and hug it as she places her head in the crook of your neck.

"Natalia, don't roll your eyes at your mother. I saw that." Alexi told Natasha before looking back at you.

"Hi Alexi, Hi Melina, I'm fine just a little cold." You tell him, bringing your hands up to Natasha's arms and holding them in place.

"Well, it should warm up in a few minutes, Melina is cooking dinner if you wanna stay for that." He asks you before getting up to throw away the empty beer bottle in the trash can.

"Sure, thank you for letting me stay for dinner, Alexi." You tell him and he replies with a simple nod, turning his head back to talk with Melina.

"Can we go into my room nowww," Natasha whines in your ear, unwrapping her hand from your waist and turning you around so she could look at your face.

"Please?" You ask her, and Natasha immediately picks you up and brings you to her room, laughs come out of both of your mouths as she runs with you in her arms.

When she gets into her room she puts you down on the bed cautiously, and plops on the bed herself, rolling over to her side to look at you.

"You look so pretty right now y/n," Natasha tells you before sitting upright on the bed. You smile at her and give her a quick kiss. Blush making its way across Natasha's face.

"But you look so sexy in the outfit Nat, you should wear it more." You tell her before sitting on her lap and resting your head on her shoulder.

She lets out a small groan and grabs the Tv remote, trying hard to ignore how your little shifts on her lap caused her to get hard.

"What do you wanna watch?" She asked you, turning on the tv and scrolling through all of the channels she had on the device.

"Ummm, can we watch y/f/m?" You tell her and turn your head back a bit to see her face, shifting your lower body in the process. Natasha's breath became uneven and shaky as you moved your hips. Her head moves up and down avoiding contact with your eyes.

A smirk came upon your face as you felt something poke your back. You sat back in your original position and rested your head on her shoulder once more.

As the movie progressed, Natasha grew increasingly restless in her seat, letting out the occasional audible groans. She became more touchy at the moment too, her veiny hands inching higher and higher up to your breasts.

"What's wrong Natasha? You feeling okay." You ask her, trying to act oblivious to the fact that she had a raging hard-on right now.

"Yeah - I feel fine, thanks for asking y/n/n." Her words came out shaky as she spoke to you thrusting her hips slightly into your body.

"Are you sure you okay baby? Your face is turning all red." You tell her, turning your whole body around to face her, making sure your lower body grinds over her cock.

She lets out a low moan and her hands grab her bed sheets, squeezing the tightly as you move your body.

"Y-yes y/n. I promise you I feel fine." Her face starting become a deeper shade of red, embarrassment washing over her.

You slide your body down her legs a couple of inches and look down at her crotch. A tent appeared in her sweatpants, your hand coming up to meet her cock, slowly grabbing it and moving your hand.

Natasha let out a loud moan, your hand shot up to cover her mouth as she threw her head back against the pillows.

"What happened Nat? Though you said you were fine." You tell her before moving your hand away from her clothed cock. A muffled whine left her mouth when she felt the pleasure go away.

"You gotta be quiet Tasha, okay? Don't want your parents to hear you. You tell her before letting your hand that covered her mouth go. Moving both of your hands around her waistband, slowly pulling down her sweatpants.

"Please y/n, it's starting to hurt." Her hips move every time you touch her.

"I got you okay? Just gotta be quiet for me that's it."

She nodded her head and looked down to see what you were doing. Your hands were coming back up to the waistband of her Calvin Klein boxers, slowly pulling them down. Her cock sprang out and hit her shirt, covering it with her pre-cum.

You immediately go down on Natasha, kitten licking her tip for a few minutes, before taking her fully. She was so big and girthy, it was always hard to take her cock fully, but you were always determined to.

"Oh god y/n, y-your mouth feels so good." She moans out to you, her hands making their way up to your hair only to rest them. She was still too shy to push your head down to the base of her cock because she didn't want to hurt you.

Your head bobs up and down on her cock. You feel the throbbing veins in her cock as it hits the back of your throat. You look up at her with hollowed cheeks seeing her face contort in pleasure. Her moans got louder and louder the more you took her. Your hands come up to her thighs, stabilizing them as you sucked her off.

Natasha's hand shoots up to her mouth as groans leave her mouth, her eyes start to close and her hips buck up even with your hands holding them down, she still manages to move them. Her cock goes further into your throat your hands grip tighter around her thighs as you continue to take her. She watches you with hazy eyes, lips sealed around her, and takes her to the base.

The grip she had on your hair got tighter. Her breathing got faster as she trusted herself with you. Your eyes become glassy at her movements. One of your hands moving

"Fuck y/n i-"

With an attempt at a warning, Natasha cums into your mouth. Hot spurts of her cum fill your mouth, some spilling out on the side of your lips. You pull your head away from her cock as you swallow her cum, seeing that it's semi-hard.

"Thank you y/n. felt so good." She tells you before pulling her boxers and sweatpants back up. Her cheeks still being flushed with red from the humid air in her room.

"You're welcome, Nat. Anything for you baby, let's just hope your parents didn't hear you.

"Was I that loud?"

"Yes, you were that loud. But it was cute, I like it when you're that loud for me." You tell her with a smile on your face as you moved to sit next to her.

She let out a sigh before looking over at you and smiling, giving you a small peck on the lips. Natasha scoots closer to you and places one of her hands on your thigh.

"Wait, what about you? Can I repay the favor?" She asks you, a concerned look coming over her face.

"It's fine my love, plus I don't think your parents would be happy hearing us fuck right now." You say as you look up at her face.

She lets out a small laugh and brings you closer to her body.

"I'm just saying, Natasha! I think they already heard you."

"Well, we can't go back and change that, guess we are stuck up here for the whole night."

"I'm not mad about that." You tell her, burying your head into her shoulder as you focus back on the movie that was left running.

"Me either." She whispers into your ear while smiling and looking back up at the screen.

[gluttons-for-punishment]

MY LIFE WITH QUEEN

One day in 1974 I was reading the paper and it said that "the Queen" was going to be on Top Of The Pops. Obviously this was a bit of typical puerile stupidity on their part. The Queen wasn't appearing on Top Of The Pops.

Queen were.

And they did. Seven Seas Of Rhye was their first hit, and I quite liked it partly because of the fun outro. Music had joy in it, back in the day.

The likes of Slade and Wizzard and Gary Glitter didn't take it all too seriously. They were all regulars on TOTP and it was a lot of fun.

Queen were on again a little while later with their follow-up, Killer Queen. Everyone liked that. Their lead singer was weird, exotic, almost Oriental-looking with big white teeth. He fitted into the now jaded Glam Rock aesthetic but with an edge, and more class than all the others.

I was listening to the radio the following year and I heard this strange record going "Mama Mia! Mama Mia!" and I thought what the fuck? That ain't Abba!

Then I heard the whole thing, Bohemian Rhapsody in its entirety, all five minutes and fifty-five seconds of it, and I was hooked for life. Queen were like a breath of fresh air, a sparkling gem amid all the Osmonds / Bay City Rollers / David Essex dross that was stinking up the airwaves. I set about investigating their back catalogue.

Someone taped their latest album A Night At The Opera for me. My mate Bernie had Sheer Heart Attack, so I got a copy of that too. Once I'd saved up enough pocket money I went out and bought Queen II. From this album, The March Of The Black Queen has consistently remained in my top three for nearly half a century.

That Christmas Eve, Queen's concert at Hammersmith Odeon was transmitted live on The Old Grey Whistle Test. I took an audio recording of the show on my little portable cassette recorder. The quality was pretty dismal but I played that tape to death and learned it all by heart. In the intervening years it's been repeated over and over again by the BBC, always in a savagely truncated form. It was finally given an official full-length deluxe box set release in 2015 under the title A Night At The Odeon, forty years after the initial live broadcast.

In the scorching endless summer of 1976 Queen announced that they were going to play a free concert in Hyde Park. I wasn't going to miss that. So I set off early in the morning of 18th September with a mate from school (whose name escapes me) after a fry-up made by my sister. We got to Hyde Park and sat on the grass with 150,000 other fans and stared at the empty stage. There was a middle-aged couple sitting behind us who may or may not have been Brian May's parents. A young hippy who looked like Jesus wandered through the crowd giving out cherries.

The first band of the day was Supercharge. Their lead singer was a big fat guy who came on stage wearing a leotard like the one Freddie wore. Next was Steve Hillage, whose endless noodling bored me to tears. Then it was Kiki Dee, who was in the charts at the time with her duet with Elton John, Don't Go Breaking My Heart. She performed the song with a cardboard cut-out of Elton, with the audience singing Elton's lines (Elton was actually present backstage at the time, but didn't appear on stage as he didn't want to steal Queen's thunder).

Then at dusk Queen finally came on with a blinding flash and blew me away. They opened with Procession and a clip from Bohemian Rhapsody and went straight into Ogre Battle.

"Welcome to our picnic by the Serpentine!"

By now, everyone had got to their feet and moved closer to the stage. I got separated from my mate. I didn't care. All my attention was focussed on the band.

The best bit was Freddie, solo at the piano, performing the as yet unreleased You Take My Breath Away. That was amazing. A flawless performance that's included for posterity on the 2011 re-release of A Day At The Races.

They finished with In The Lap Of The Gods... Revisited but didn't play an encore: apparently the show was running late and the band had been threatened with arrest if they went back on stage, due to the huge numbers of people out there in the dark.

My first ever concert experience was absolutely euphoric. It was like losing my virginity. I was still on a high as I drifted away in the dark to get the tube home.

Their next album, the first new one to come out after I became a fan, was A Day At The Races. I got the LP for Christmas, some two weeks after its release, but by some careful snooping I'd found it hidden in my mum's bedroom and played it a couple of times beforehand. When I finally got my hands on it, I played it to death.

By now I was a member of the fan club, and used to ring them now and again to see if there was any news about forthcoming releases (the music press were always a few days behind). I'd sometimes pop into their offices at South Audley Street if I happened to be in the West End, always hoping there'd be one or two band members present. There never were. One day I was up there with my mate Mark and we casually asked the fan club secretary if there were any plans to re-release I Can Hear Music, the pre-Queen single Freddie had recorded with the engineer Robin Cable and released under the name Larry Lurex in 1973. She said no, but she had a few copies for sale. Were we interested?

Hell, yeah! It was a one-sided white label seven-inch single, a test pressing as it later turned out. I was disappointed that the far superior B-side Going Back wasn't included, but it was the elusive and rare Larry Lurex so I had to have it. We got one for our mate Andy too. 75p each. Bargain!

My copy disappeared into the ether decades ago, but Andy still has his. And apparently it's one of the most collectible Queen items (second only to the 1977 Bo Rhap blue vinyl single) and sells for an absolute fortune.

[Whilst visiting and working in the West End in the late Seventies I went past Trident Studios in St Anne's Court, off Wardour Street, many times without really realising its significance. Standing opposite Dark They Were And Golden-Eyed, a fantastic science fiction bookshop (where I acquired loads of quirky unofficial Tolkien stuff when Tolkien fandom was an underground movement rather than a multi-million-dollar industry), this was where Queen recorded their first three albums. Elton, Bowie and The Beatles had recorded there, too. Further on from the studio, towards the Dean Street end, was a tenement brothel where the ladies would sit by the open windows and call out to you as you walked past.

Of course, it's all gone now. Dark They Were closed in 1981 and there are shops and offices where the ladies of the night used to ply their trade. Trident is now a post-production facility.]

My second experience of Queen live was at Earls Court with Mark and Andy, high up in the balcony, miles from the stage. I snuck my little Kodak 126 camera in with me and succeeded in getting a series of very muddy, very distant images of the massive crown-shaped lighting rig. At one point Freddie was performing You Take My Breath Away at the piano when, at a particularly quiet part of the song, someone knocked over the drum kit (at least, that was what it sounded like). Freddie looked startled for a moment then, like the total professional he was, continued as if nothing had happened. This was followed by a performance of White Man that was powerful enough to blow your bollocks off. Freddie: "This is a real bitch of a song that's really fucked up my voice."

For the encore, Freddie strutted on stage in a shimmering silver leotard that sparkled like a glitterball. A brief but brilliant segment of Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting was included in the rock'n'roll medley.

Later that year I went on holiday to Italy with my family. When I returned home on Saturday 8th October there was a postcard waiting for me from the fan club.

My postcard is long gone. This is someone else's that I found online.

I read the first couple of sentences and thought "oh! fantastic! I'm gonna be in a Queen video!" but then as I continued I realised that the event had come and gone and I'd missed it by two days.

Mark and Andy were there. They said the band ran through the new song - We Are The Champions - a few times so the audience would be familiar with it for the recording, and after three takes played a surprise fifty-minute concert. What a unique experience, that I missed out on by two fucking days.

Empire Pool, Wembley was a much nicer venue than Earls Court. I got to see Queen there three nights running in May 1978. On this tour they opened with the fast full band version of We Will Rock You and included the brilliant It's Late, which for many years was my all-time favourite Queen track, in the set. The low point was probably Get Down, Make Love, but the gigs were brilliant. Electrifying.

Following this tour they released the Jazz album, which was a bit disappointing. For the first time, there were more duds than gems on a Queen album. The only track I really liked was Jealousy.

I was in the HMV shop in Oxford Street one day in 1979 and there were three or four copies of Live Killers for sale, autographed in gold ink by all four members of Queen. I didn't buy one because I'd already got a copy of this (disappointing and lacklustre) album. I wish I had. They go for between five hundred quid and a grand these days.

Later that year they released Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I gave it a listen. "That's fucking crap," I spat. "The worst thing they've ever done. The final nail in their coffin."

You could say it grew on me after a while.

Queen went on tour at the end of the year. It was called the "Crazy Tour", as they were playing small venues. I got to see them three times that year, first at the Lyceum in central London on 13th December - fantastic, me and Kate were right at the front! The following day I was so hoarse from cheering and singing my lungs out that I was sent home from work by a manager who thought I was suffering from a bad throat infection.

The following evening it was the Rainbow in Finsbury Park. But the best was yet to come: their gig at the Tottenham Mayfair (formerly the Royal nightclub) five days later remains the best concert I've ever been to. A full account of this concert is elsewhere on this blog.

A year later, another tour, to promote the albums Flash Gordon and The Game. Two nights at Wembley Arena (formerly the Empire Pool) this time, 9th and 10th December. I woke up on the morning of the 9th to the devastating news that John Lennon had been murdered. That took the shine off the prospect of going to see Queen.

I still went. I was in the balcony, with a side view of the stage. At one point in the concert, with no announcement or fanfare, they played Imagine. Just Freddie and Brian. Freddie had the lyrics on a sheet of paper. It was the best moment of the whole evening.

My enthusiasm for Queen nosedived in the early Eighties after the release of Under Pressure. I didn't bother buying Hot Space until a few weeks after its release, and then only after I'd heard Back Chat. Bowie had replaced Queen as my favourite, and I just wasn't interested any more. Consequently I didn't bother to see them on the 1982 tour: the closest venue was Milton Keynes Bowl, and it just wasn't worth the effort.

Next time around, for the tour promoting The Works in 1984, they played Wembley Arena again so I grabbed a couple of tickets. Me and my friend Claire were in the balcony again for this show. At one point I mentioned how brilliant it would be if Bowie would appear with them to perform Under Pressure, but Claire pointed out that as the date was 4th September, it would more likely happen the following evening, on Freddie's birthday (it didn't).

Queen's "show-stopping" appearance at Live Aid (13th July 1985) has gone down in history as one of the greatest rock performances of all time, but at the time it was hard to figure out why: to an experienced fan like me, it wasn't really anything out of the ordinary. They were always that good. Usually they were better. But it was a revelation for the general public who'd seen them as some kind of novelty act or bunch of glam-rock throwbacks, and as a result they gained millions of new fans. I watched it live on the BBC that Saturday, recording it on VHS and - in stereo!!! - on cassette from Radio 1.

I missed the Magic tour, their final tour with Freddie as it happened. Following their Live Aid appearance, everyone wanted to experience them in concert so the shows got bigger and bigger. Wembley Stadium and ultimately, Knebworth Park. It was essentially a greatest hits show, with the band playing mostly their hit singles with little room for the deep cuts which were much more appealing for veteran fans like me.

I watched the Wembley Stadium concert on TV though, and they were on top form. The broadcast and subsequent home media release successfully capture the essence of the atmosphere you'd feel at a Queen concert.

As the Eighties faded away the AIDS crisis became more and more prevalent. The vindictive gutter press gleefully jumped on the bandwagon and harrassed any gay celebrity they could think of, including Freddie. Following his gaunt and frail-looking appearance at the Brit Awards in February 1990, they quite literally hounded him to the grave. For over a year these vultures were camped outside his home, hoping for a scoop and a hysterical headline, and every time he emerged into the outside world there were intrusive and sensationalised pictures of him all over the papers.

Not surprisingly, the vile S*n was the biggest culprit.

I thought: "you fucking wankers." - Roger Taylor on the British press

Like most fans, I was in denial. I didn't believe he was ill. I couldn't bear to believe it. There were repeated rebuffs from the Queen camp - "Freddie's fine, he's as fit as a fiddle" - that we latched on to. This became harder when the videos for I'm Going Slightly Mad and Headlong were released. Freddie did look ill.

Sunday, 24th November 1991, the headlines screamed: FREDDIE: "I'VE GOT AIDS". Just after 7:00 the following morning, Monday 25th, I was woken by my girlfriend rushing into the bedroom declaring "Gary! Freddie Mercury's died!"

They make his life a misery and hound him to his death, then pretend they care. Fucking wankers.

Monday morning. That was a very hard day to get through. At work, there was wall-to-wall Queen on the radio. The jokes started up already: rotten seamen, etc. I was so stunned that I could hardly concentrate on anything else. Queen had been a more or less constant presence in my life from adolescence through to my thirties, and now that was suddenly wrenched away.

That evening, the other half was out so I had the flat to myself. I got a few beers in to toast Freddie and settled down to watch the tribute shows on TV. I was able to keep it together until the premiere showing of Freddie's final video, These Are The Days Of Our Lives. He looked so ill, so thin and frail, so sad. What he must have been through, how he must have suffered. It was hard to believe that was actually the same man on the screen. I sat there and cried my eyes out.

Bohemian Rhapsody got a re-release and became Christmas number one again. John and Roger and Brian announced a tribute concert that would take place the following Easter. A plethora of cash-grab tribute books and magazines were rush-released; I bought them all.

The tribute concert took place at Wembley Stadium in April 1992. I went with a mate from work, Allan Harvey, but we got split up in the 72,000-strong crowd before the concert began (echoes of Hyde Park). The concert itself was a mixed bag: some genuinely emotional moments, and a hell of a lot of shite. Roger Daltrey and Robert Plant were just fucking terrible. Paul Young was OK. Bowie's performance wasn't exactly inspiring: he seemed to be making an appearance for the publicity, rather than to pay tribute to Freddie. And his "Lord's Prayer" moment made me (and the rest of the world) lose the will to live.

Elizabeth Taylor made an appearance, giving a speech about the AIDS crisis (man in crowd: "Get 'em off!" Liz: "I'll get off when I'm finished!"). Elton John gave a solid performance of The Show Must Go On and duetted with the notoriously homophobic Axl Rose on Bohemian Rhapsody. The climax of the show, featuring Liza Minelli (one of Freddie's favourite performers) trying to sing We Are The Champions was just plain embarassing.

The highlight of the show was, without a doubt, George Michael. He gave a fantastic performance of Somebody To Love, '39 and, with Lisa Stansfield, These Are The Days Of Our Lives; as live performers go (those that I've seen, anyway) he's second only to Freddie. I still think this was the only part of the concert that stands up to repeated viewing.

Three years later Made In Heaven, Queen's posthumous fifteenth and final album, was released. This was ingeniously cobbled together from bits and pieces Freddie had recorded before he got too ill, outtakes from previous albums, and a couple of re-worked Queen versions of Freddie solo tracks. Despite a couple of crappy fillers (My Life Has Been Saved, indeed) it was their best album for years. I bought it on the day of release and sat there that afternoon getting hammered on Tungsten lager and listening to these precious sounds.

These days "Queen" (minus John) are still touring with American Idol contestant Adam Lambert as their frontman. I'm not really interested. I'm not a fan of Lambert, I don't like the Broadway-style approach the band take these days, though a few people I've spoken to have said it's a good show. I'm content with the eleven Queen concerts I attended in the Seventies and Eighties with Freddie Mercury at the front of the stage (even though the last one was over forty years ago).

It's fairly safe to say Queen have stood the test of time. They're still immensely popular some fifty years after their first release, even though increasingly these days their fanbase weren't even born when Queen were in their heyday. Those of us who experienced Freddie Mercury on stage are beginning to die off now. But Queen still keep bringing joy to new ears, and I'm quite confident that their body of work will still be appreciated in another fifty years.

QUEEN

My experiences

Hyde Park: 18th September 1976

Earls Court: 1st July 1977

Empire Pool, Wembley: 11th / 12th / 13th May 1978

The Lyceum: 13th December 1979

Rainbow Theatre: 14th December 1979

Tottenham Mayfair: 19th December 1979

Wembley Arena: 9th / 10th December 1980

Wembley Arena: 4th September 1984

Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert, Wembley Stadium: 20th April 1992

[lover-of-mine]

I just had a thought regarding the “Tim should punish Buddie fans” of it all. Because at the end of the day it’s a TV show, the thing they care most about is ratings. Tim has admitted that the show got worse and ratings got worse when he stopped writing Buddie scenes (something I’m sure ABC is very aware of). So it honestly shouldn’t matter if some Buddie fans are annoying - we represent the majority opinion, which affects the ratings. Yeah they may lose some of the gained viewers from the BT stans if they breakup but it’s nothing on the viewers they’ll lose if they force Eddie into another straight relationship and separate Buck and Eddie for separate endgames.

Okay, pure speculation here, but the show is a business as much as it is a story and a show has to deal with stuff a book or a movie don't. Since the story is not contained, they need to adapt to the circumstances in which it is airing. We know for a fact that fox was against Buck being bi and that gives us the chance to infer that they were against the buddie thing as a whole. We know this was supposed to happen during s4, we know s5 separates Buck and Eddie physically since Eddie leaves the station, so that reduces their screentime without major problems because while we were getting less casual buddie since they weren't working together, we got a lot of quality buddie during Eddie's breakdown. They continued to reduce the Buck and Eddie of it all during 6a. No one was happy about it. We were NOT happy that we were missing out on their dynamic except for a few moments that were thrown in. That so created a problem that they overcorrect that in 6b. We all knew the lightning was coming but the promo had a lot of Eddie's reaction to it, we even got a bts video of Ryan running up the ladder, the do more was the teaser scene we got, when we got recovery and mixed feelings, with recovery giving us some quality buddie, and mixed feelings giving us a lot of buddie overall. Obviously, the threat of cancellation made them shift things around, we know there were reshoots, we know they tried to wrap things up in case that was the final season, and that made them drop the ball with buddie for a second there after the cemetery, but they fixed that during s7, because there was a LOT of buddie, especially considering it was reduced season. Abc has a lot of good queer rep, they seem to like their glaad awards nominations. We obviously have no idea of why fox was blocking biBuck, and again, pure speculation, but I am willing to bet you that the buddie of it all was part of the conversation while the buy was being negotiated or at least while they were discussing the plans to integrate 911 to abc once the buy was finalized. The abc people have an outside perspective on buddie, the same way we do, and buddie is a compelling dynamic that can be a gold mine if they play their cards right. If, I, a random person on the internet with a blog and hyperfixation and nothing to gain from it, can reach the conclusion that getting buddie together can bring them a shit load of exposure, I guarantee you that someone there reached that conclusion too. I believe they sat down with the team and asked "what's the deal with Buck and Eddie? Is there a plan?" and they reached some conclusion to finally get them there because they took Ryan out of pr jail and continuously put Oliver and Ryan together leading up to the season and the Buck and Eddie talk did not stop once Buck being bi was canonically confirmed.

Logistically, if the plan was to simply make Buck bi and not make the Buck and Eddie a thing, obviously, Eddie wouldn't be involved with Buck's bi arc the way he is in the story, but they would also not involve Ryan in the promotion with Oliver like that. It's 2024, no one wants queerbaiting allegations thrown at them. We lived through the mcu, and teen wolf, and supernatural, and no one wants to be that guy. They have a compelling dynamic that's been drawing people in for years, and they could've gone the whole show with both of them being perceived as straight in universe, keep doing what they were doing, leave us in the will they/won't they, and keep our part of the audience forever because we would keep coming back waiting to see them together. Personally, I think Buck being bi was a trial run in many ways from the business side of it. Buck is extremely well liked by the audience, he is a fan favorite, so people are a lot more lenient with his shit than other characters, that means that if Buck being bi was poorly received by the general audience, they could backtrack him out of it a lot easier and just introduce another pretty girl and not go there. Male bisexual rep is also not all that common, it's usually the pretty girl best friend that you later find out had a girlfriend in college who may or may not be in love with the female lead, so it stands on its own in the conversation. And, well, Buck being bi was extremely well received. Ship war aside, there is a significant part of the new influx of people who are just as invested in the Buck and Eddie of it all even with another male love interest in the mix. And there was a huge influx of people. Somewhere in the 911 team, someone is making predictions and they are aware that Eddie being queer will have the same type of reaction. Eddie might not be as popular as Buck on his own, but with the added fact that queer Eddie means buddie is coming, they get the same boom that biBuck had. They also became the first media to do this. No superhell, no complicated feelings for a car, no going back to the past. Just a compelling relationship between two male characters that's been drawing people in since the beginning that changed into something romantic and requited. They would be the first to take the popular m/m ship that drives the internet crazy and make it happen. I know of a lot of traumatized destiel or sterek or stucky or whatever else who are waiting for Eddie to be confirmed queer to start watching the show with the whole 911 already had queer rep, Buck being bi is no guarantee they'll follow through, I don't wanna be disappointed again. Which is fair, but it is a second wave of people that could come into the show. Buck and Eddie are unheard of rep. It's a 6+ seasons queer slowburn. They are best friends, they have a kid, their devotion to each other is very clear. Abc has the chance to go full Elle Woods "what like it's hard?" to every queerbaity ship that came before buddie. Especially considering we have Oliver on record multiple times saying fox was blocking it. And that would make them so much money. So much exposure. We're talking become subjects in television history classes for the rest of times because they were the first to pull through. We're not just talking ratings, we're talking being put next to genre-defining couples in media. They are a gold mine that Oliver and Ryan are on board with, that Tim seems to be on board with and that abc clearly likes using for promotion so they at least understand the numbers they could bring, so not going there because a fraction of the fandom is being bitchy on the internet is bad business.

Season 6 gave them the perfect opening to separate Buck and Eddie but they used season 7 to bring them closer together than they've ever been. If the plan was to make them end up with other people, they had the chance to make that clear this season, and they didn't. They're not gonna throw it away like this to "punish fans". They would be punishing themselves.

[miraclemaya]

Fairy Quest

You have lived a rather lonely existence for the twenty years you have been alive. Without the company of friends or colleagues, you often spend your time in deep contemplation on a variety of topics. Today, your mother has asked you to leave the house and get some groceries from the grocery store. 

You decide to walk. The grocery store is far, but not so far that it is impossible to reach it by foot. The only problem is that the quickest route is through The Woods. You enjoy walking through The Woods, but it does evoke feelings of fear and discontent in you often. 

As you walk, the environment around you slowly shifts from the illusion of stability and control that the suburbs provide to the chaotic realm that is nature. The walk is nice, the cold morning air providing you a clarity of mind you often lack. Things feel as though they have an extra quality of truth in the morning air. 

This quality of truth is perhaps why you are not surprised to see a fairy lazily float its way towards you. 

“Hello.” The fairy says, waving a hand towards you. 

“Hello.” You reply, warnings of the dangers of the fey coming to your mind. 

“I don't have a name for you to steal. Sorry.” You add, hastily. 

There is a beat of silence, and you try your hardness to stop the tears from coming. 

“You don’t have a name? That's… well, that’s rather bizarre.” The fairy does not seem to believe you, and looks at you as if you're insane. 

“I gave it to another fairy.” You explain, embarrassed. 

“You…. How are you walking about freely? Surely you would be in that fairy’s thrall.” The fairy crosses its arms. 

You take a moment to decide whether it would be polite or not to talk about such a thing. Unfortunately for you, you don't really understand what it means to be polite. No one actually told you. 

“Well, she took my name after I offered it because she was sad. She was going to take me too, but….” You hesitate for a moment, but the fairy nods its head as if to say, go on. 

“I orgasmed the moment she touched me, and she was grossed out by that, so she left me there.”

The fairy floats a few inches further away from you, and you feel a rift of burning void open up in your chest. You ignore it because you are trying to have a conversation. 

“That's… That's kind of pathetic.” The fairy pulls a face which you are given to believe means it's disgusted by you. 

“Ah, she said the same thing.” You inform the fairy, voice approaching a sing-song tone.

“Do… are you like… okay?”

The question puzzles you. You are obviously okay, though you aren't quite sure what okay is. No one actually told you, after all. 

“I'm okay. I have to buy groceries.” You nod your head. That's right, you need to buy groceries. 

“I'll, uh, lead you out of here.” The words come out slowly, but the fairy gestures for you to follow it. 

“Ah, thank you, that's really kind.” You reach out to shake its hand before realizing that it is both too small and too disgusted by you to want to reciprocate such a gesture. You aren't sure what you are supposed to do in this situation, so you stand there for a moment, thinking really hard. 

“Are you coming?” The fairy sounds tired. You hope it feels better later.

“Oh, sorry.” You follow the fairy and soon enough you are in the grocery store. 

“Thank you again.” You give the fairy a thumbs up, which it doesn't seem to appreciate. 

“Just. Just grab what you need.”

You nod your head and go inside the store. 

It takes you twenty minutes to find what you need. 

First, whole wheat bread, thinly sliced. Second, four tomatoes. You spend three minutes making sure you pick the best tomatoes available. Third, tomato paste. Fourth, chicken breast. You remember hearing about how if the plastic is pushed up, that means the chicken has started to decompose. You spend some time pressing your hand to the chicken breast containers to see which one is the flattest. Fifth, you buy some oranges. 

You get into line, and soon enough you are standing in front of the cashier. You reach for your wallet and then freeze. 

You forgot to bring your wallet. 

You put away all the objects you have gathered and leave the store. The fairy is still there, but you don’t pay attention as you walk back home. It seems annoyed with you. 

When you get back home, your mom yells at you when she sees you don't have the groceries. Your mouth refuses to move, so instead you walk upstairs and go to your room. Your wallet is sitting on your desk, in perfect view. You grab it and leave the house. 

The fairy is still there, which surprises you. You were sure it was going to leave. In the absence of words, you show it your wallet. 

“You forgot to bring money? I could have just spotted you the money, you know.”

This is news to you! You were not aware that fairies carried currency. You want to question it further, but unfortunately your voice has seemed to have left you.

You get back to the grocery store again, this time at a much faster pace. Thankfully, no one has looted your hard chosen items, and soon enough you are standing outside the store, having paid for everything you needed. 

“Thank you.” You finally manage. 

The fairy nods slowly, and leads you back home. It waves at you, and you wave back and then go back inside. 

QUEST COMPLETE

[oops-its-a-fanwork]

Bountyhunter/Thief reader x the Pirates ☆

Based on the pirate au by @mega-punani, check out her stuff if you enjoy this! They are currently not creating content for it but what is there is really lovely :3

Reader is trying to catch the crew for their bounty! Or at the very least, get some of their fabled treasures for themselves. Your specialities are thievery and catching people or crews alive, which usually yields more bounty anyway. Not to mention that if you can get people to talk, they may reveal more valuable information, items or treasures. Your skills are becoming pretty well known around te area, and that reputation will grow even bigger when you finally catch one of the big dogs~

Yeah thats right, the Skull Pirates' ship just docked nearby! A perfect opportunity. You realize it would be easier to pick them off one by one (fighting the entire crew is obviously a Bad Time) but oops the first one you picked is like kinda cute actually?? Wait scratch that you're here for the money! ...even if they have some redeeming qualities that make them not that bad and- hey wait when did you end up on their team?

Sans It takes him such a long time to wake up from the knock-out that you are frustrated before he even starts talking. After that it really doesn't help that he starts talking to you as if you were buddies chatting during break instead of, I don't know, a hostage situation?? You press a knife to his neck to shut him up but he just keeps talking, telling you he thinks you'll like some of the edgier types on his crew and making puns about sharp edges and this not being very knife of you, chill as ever. When a loud bang rings through the air and your hideout shakes, he breaks the news: his team is getting him back right now and he has decided you are joining the crew. He thinks you're cute and you've got skills if you can manage to knock out and kidnap someone like him. You know you don't stand a chance against his entire crew so begrudgingly you join, letting your displeasure be known every single step of the way. Even if they start to grow on you rather quickly. The crew is confused and amused about your arrival but they at least tolerate you due to you being introduced by Sans.

Papyrus You tried to lure him into following you with flattery, talking about his interests and even sharing gossip from the village. Asking him to assist you with something was far too easy and he seemed happy to help, stating that he would let his brother know where he was going just in case! He's been told there's some sketchy folk around ;) Before you can stop him he's marched off. You mentally debate on simply leaving now before deciding against it. When he returns he lets you know that his brother is excited to meet you! You are pretty much carried aboard by the pirate before you can even object, where a few curious crewmembers give you a quick nod before continuing their tasks. Shit, now half of the ship knows your face, your surprise attack is ruined! When Papyrus sees you pout he immediately makes it his mission to cheer you up again: he showers you in compliments, shows you every nook and cranny of the ship since you seem so interested in it and he encourages you to talk about your home some more. In the chaos of Papyrus's boundless energy he manages to introduce you to Sans and ask if you can join the crew ('Wait wha-'). Sans agrees easily ('No seriously wait-'), recognizing you from a wanted poster and knowing that keeping an eye on you is far easier like this. Not to mention that he can clearly see that his brother really likes you and that he is already winning you over bit by bit. Welcome to the crew kiddo.

Blue He's clearly trying to impress you. You can use that. He's another one you tried to lure with talking, but he was too stubborn to lure with flattery alone so you used the next best thing: a bet. Feigning innocence as a random townsperson simply curious about the new faces resembling the famous Skull crew, you challenged his abilities. Surely they can't be all people crack them up to be? If you lost, you would tell them more about that lost treasure your town has rumors about, and you would accept that he is simply amazing. If you won, he would help you carry those heavy groceries of yours to your home to make up for the lost time. You knew he was strong so you expected to lose. You were hoping to be introduced as an innocent citizen so the crew won't be suspicious if you show up again to snoop around. Maybe the cutie fool can even vouch for you! Worst case scenario you can get him alone in your hideout and knock him out, then get the information you need by force. Either way, you were getting a good deal out of this. Aaaah bummer, you lost~ Guess you'll give his crew any intel you have! Feeling accomplished, you let him lead you to the ship... where he promptly introduced you to the others as the famous bounty hunter they had been hearing so much about. He knew all along???

Stretch He woke up to the sound of someone softly playing some notes on his banjo, his hands and feet tied. He was too tired and hazy to think too much, but looking a little to his right, he saw you softly inspecting his beloved instrument: gentle touches over the wood, fingers following the pretty carvings along the handle. Soft notes filled the room when you'd pluck the strings gently, listening to the notes intently as you waited for him to wake up. You could've been a siren with how entranced he was... until you snapped him out of it by looking up to him with a mischievous, self assured smile, putting the banjo aside and moving far too close to him. Oh boy. When he was inevitably rescued by his brother, you escaped quickly through a window with a smile and a wink his way, intensifying his orange blush as he looked away. You still follow them around, looking to get some riches here or there. Whenever you encounter each other he can never look you in the eye, a rush of magic spreading across his face, which only makes the chase more fun for you. Eventually the crew outvotes him on trying to get you on board, and he really doesn't make too much of a fuss about it. At this point everyone just wants to see how this turns out between you two. (including him.)

Red Just because you flirted with him when trying to get him alone, doesn't mean he gets to keep flirting when he wakes up!! Every part of you gets complimented, every conversation topic gets turned into a pickup line, and every time you threaten him he tells you he's into that shit. You didn't even know skeletons had... eyebrows?? brow-bones?? but he keeps waggling them at you every time you try to get to the point. It's absolutely infuriating! Annoying! Revolting even! (so stop blushing!!) You are this close to hitting him in the face but he'll probably make a flirt out of that too. When his brother shows up to rescue collect him, you pretty much just shove Red at him and tell them both to get lost. Now every time you encounter each other he drops everything to flirt with you and to convince you to join them, even mid-fight. The crew knows about the whole thing too so you don't have the element of surprise anymore. God damn it.

Edge BITES YOU BITES YOU BITES YOU BITES YOU BITES YOU- No but seriously he is pissed. You had jumped him from up high before he could set any traps to protect the ship's anchoring point! He would be even more pissed to be rescued by his crewmates, hoping to bust out by himself at least, or preferably even return without anyone knowing what had happened at all. Instead, you riled him up into talking, stole his keys and fled the little hideout to steal some of their treasure. Since most of the crew was looking for him on the shore you actually managed to steal some gems, but you were eventually cornered a few days later. He actually kinda respects your skills, he's just very butthurt to have been your first victim as the crew teases him for it a lot. In an act of reconciliation you prank the others and capture/'torture' them if any of them do something stupid or rude, showing everyone it's your skills that did him in and that he was no fool for falling prey to them. Although he nags about it to both them and you, he very quickly realizes that you are helping him keep the crew in check when they do dumb shit and you both reconnect from there. Now you're a terrifying couple to do stupid things around and you have quite the reputation. You both enjoy that a lot.

Razz You are confusing him with the way you act. You flatter him by calling him the most dangerous one there, saying how much research you had to do due to his reputation, telling him just how difficult it was to get some seastone to keep his powers in check... and you've stolen one of his maps too!! He is livid, seething, but keeps getting caught off guard by the flirtatious ways you address him. By the end of the day he's exhausted by the constant emotional whiplash you've been creating. When the crew comes for him you've already fled, leaving him tied to his chair. (insulting!!!) You sold his map for good money, which is how they tracked you down as he immediately recognises his own detailed work. You besting a guy like him made a good part of the crew curious about you though so now you are cautiously accepted in the group. Razz always brags about the quality of his maps to you and you tease him by telling him you'll steal them and sell them for a lot. Somehow, this has become the way you communicate. The higher a prize you name for a map, the higher its quality (and the more he blushes). When you're mad at him you tell him they won't sell cuz they look shitty. It's raining those days.

Cash He looked so tired and lanky that you hadn't realized he was part of the famed skeleton crew until you almost walked past him. It seems you surprised both yourself and him when you swiftly turned around and knocked him on the head, dragging him to your nearby hideout. Good thing you were always prepared for anything! And that no-one was watching. Now that he's awake, he's... far to meek. Almost a little smug, actually. You are suspicious of him, but he can't really do anything shackled up like this. Cash found himself in a really fun situation upon waking up: a good looking person standing over him, clearly ready to write things down in a little notebook and threatening him with the cutest little pocket knife he has ever seen. You remind him of his brother just a little bit... Welp, that does it. He's going to bully you into joining, this is too funny to pass up! Good thing he had impulsively stolen the keys from you before getting knocked out. Cash took you by surprise and carried you onto the ship, introducing you to everybody. He will never stop being a smug idiot about that story either.

Bear He's just sitting there, red eye on you and face blue. Maybe you shouldn't have come so close to threaten him, because as soon as you entered his personal space he completely spaced out. Fuck, did you get the mute one? How can you get information out of him like this! He's not holding anything of value either... maybe you can hand him in alone? It would ruin your beautiful complete-crew-cleanup-plan though... While you are contemplating just what to do with this guy, Bear is contemplating a few things himself: you're clearly not the most buff person, having relied on a sneak attack and the binds to keep him at bay. You were working on your own, which in a place like this likely meant you didn't have any close friends or family or you would've been in their gang instead. You also clearly didn't give a shit about his size, intimidating looks or injury, and while those thoughts made his face warm, it also meant you clearly had no sense of self preservation. Guess he has to take things into his own hands. He takes you by surprise by breaking the chair he was seated on, thus giving him enough space to remove his binds, and simply picking you up and taking you with him. He and the crew will take care of you from now on.

Cinnamon Ok you feel bad. He pretty much stumbled into your arms, apologizing profusely, called you pretty while looking up at you from within your arms and then apologized for the out of the blue statement in a whirlwind of stutters and sorrys. When after a second you recognised him from the wanted posters you knocked him over the head and he was out. You weren't even really hunting for the crew that day to be honest, just taking a stroll through the town for groceries. Now he's awake and stuttering so much you're not getting anything interesting out of him. You got close to his face to interrogate him properly and he almost passed out again. You end up dumping an awake him unceremoniously into his brother's lap, and now they know about you and are hunting you to be on their team instead. Sigh.

[relentlessconqueror]

sylus is so incredibly sebastian-coded. here's a list of the things i think they have in common lol (disclaimer: i haven't read black butler in a hot minute)

sylus' photobooth preset called "demon butler" complete with the tutor!sebastian glasses that have the cord on them. and sebastian is literally THEE demon butler, like come on (this has the honor of going first on the list because it's what made me realize their similarity)

air of perpetual smugness and confidence

red eyes

turtle smile

gourmand (see sylus' cafe interactions about going to new restaurants. sebastian starves until he finds a particularly tormented soul). related: sylus feels life to be banal but says that MC is interesting to him, and iirc sebastian purposefully seeks out high-quality souls whose owners can amuse/entertain him for the duration of the contract

making deals duh

multilingual

tells the truth (in their own way) — sebastian is bound by the contract, sylus is just Like That (and insanely forward...)

cool, composed, competent 🙄

sebastian helps ciel rule over the underworld of victorian england, sylus rules the n109 zone. related: they both stalk people as a part of their job descriptions

a stretch: i can't help drawing a comparison between sylus' love for antiques/classical music and sebastian dressing sieglinde in old-fashioned girls' clothing

looks intimidating (at least one of the phantomhive servants said this about sebastian because of how capable he is at managing the household. and obviously sylus is terrifying) but has incredibly goofy ass moments (that time in boyband arc where sebastian performed a part of the starlight four's song, dance and all. and sylus loves to sing. only one of them belongs on a stage though. sorry sylus)

the common theme of devouring the other person. obviously sebastian wants to eat ciel's soul, but this point is reversed in the sylusMC dynamic because she's the one hearing whispers about him belonging to her and to eat him lol

a stretch: ok this isn't about sebastian but ciel has the contract mark in his right eye, which is where sylus' aether core is. sylus also mentioned him and MC being kindred spirits and while i don't think ciel and sebastian's dynamic is like that, it is true that ciel's goals are, by virtue of the contract, sebastian's goals (in a sense sebastian is an extension of ciel)

sebastian wishes to draw out the worst parts of ciel to make his soul more delicious which i can't help but connect to sylus mentioning "all the crimes you'll inevitably commit." there's the assumption of hidden darkness in ciel/MC that will be revealed in time

likes cats (sylus likes small animals in general, but he's obsessed with calling MC kitten, so i say it counts)

sylus saying, "even if you wanted to sell your soul, you still have to find someone who can pay the price" and "there's a price you have to pay when you make a wish to a demon" which speaks for itself. like this is just all of black butler chapter 138

both ciel and MC wanted revengejusticewhatever for their families' deaths, and both sylus and sebastian "grant" their wish — sylus lets MC shoot him, sebastian helps ciel on his journey of revenge (AND it looks like caleb is coming back which is VERY real!ciel phantomhive of him. he even has the (pseudo-)incest thing going on LMAO though of course it's not the same as ciel and real!ciel's dynamic as blood brothers)

sylus' "don't be shy about using me" and sebastian being literally owned by ciel. it's also reciprocal: sylus' "after all, i want to use you too" and sebastian is promised ciel's soul after the contract is fulfilled

sylus' wanderer form vs sebastian's monstrous true form

(this doesn't count but i'll still put it anyway) because of a localization/translation issue (i think?), there was a time that a lot of people thought sylus made his body SPECIFICALLY to benefit/seduce/whatever MC because of him saying, "it's just there to make you feel better. i don't need it" (homescreen interaction iirc) and "they're not real but they can move" [lost oasis] about his abs. sebastian exists in his form because ciel requested it. there's also the moment in sylus' anecdote where he asks a man what's fashionable in n109 and he just chooses to dress like whatever was on the billboard that the man pointed to, which reinforces how sylus is an outsider much like sebastian, who isn't human

ciel and MC are both understandably put off by them due to their first meeting. sylus assaulted MC, and she falls back on viewing him through the lens of his reputation as onychinus' leader a few times in memories. sebastian appears to ciel in the traumatic event of losing his brother, and as a result ciel is unable to see that sebastian harbors at least SOME fondness for him at this point (though honestly the existence of that fondness is just my opinion, which is something not everybody shares. because i know every person who's read black butler feels differently about the question of sebastian's feelings for ciel, outside of wanting his soul). as of now, ciel and MC (in the main story?) are still unable to trust sebastian/sylus completely

that one moment in [radiant brilliance] where sylus tugs off his gloves with his teeth which is a Signature Sebastian Move

sylus telling MC that he won't lose the match because she told him not to, and something similar happened between ciel and sebastian during book of the atlantic (i made a post about this before). sebastian is also often ciel's champion in fights or contests both personal and business-related

[hadassah4ever]

igby slocumb pre-dating & dating hcs

this takes place after he ran off bc he deserves it <3

warnings: like 1 mention of sex but that’s it, igby being insecure as hell, my lazy ass writing 💀

w.c.: 851

pre-relationship

• this boy really wasn’t expecting to fall in love so quickly again

• he obviously notices attractive people, but it typically doesn’t go further than a date or two, maybe a one night stand

• when he realises he really likes you, frankly he’s terrified

• he’s already dealt with one situationship running off, his ego would be completely decimated if you did too

• so he pushes down his feelings and doesn’t tell you, but honestly, he’s terrible at hiding it

• he would physically need to stop himself from staring at you for too long, and he doesn’t even realise how lovingly he looks at you

• so yeah, even if you aren’t completely sure, you have a general idea of how much he likes you

• eventually when his feelings for you would get too heavy, he’d start ignoring you

• again, this boy has some anxieties about you leaving, not even mentioning his already existing self esteem issues

• but anyways

• you’d obviously get a little pissed at him for basically just completely ignoring you, not knowing about his past ofc

• so when he does confess his feelings, it’s a big deal

• obviously he’s not hauling you to a 5 star restaurant and sprinkling rose petals on a fancy hotel bed, but it’s a big deal for him

• it probably comes after a bout of him wanting to see you again, then ignoring you for a bit again

• and you show up to his apartment and get into a squabble about how disrespected you feel and how if he just wants to leave, then you can just stop talking

• then he probably starts crying because that’s literally his worst fear (he’s hiding his tears tho because 🎶boyyys don't cryyyy🎶)

• and you immediately stop because you didn’t want to go this far

• and he starts dropping small hints about his past with sookie and how scared he is to lose you, and how torn he is between pushing his feelings for you down and his crippling fear of abandonment

• then you comfort him and let him know that you’d be open to dating him (as long as he stops ghosting you, off and on again)

• bing bam boom ur dating

dating

• he really starts to unravel his “i need to be witty and sardonic 24/7” persona and allows himself to become SLIGHTLY more tender with you, of course with an igby flare

• after you comforted him, his fear of you leaving eased up a little

• obviously it didn’t disappear overnight, but he realised that if you were going to run off, you probably would’ve done it one of the many times he’s ghosted you, or during the night you two fought

• you’re still there, though!!! so that’s a win

• he doesn’t really plan dates, he either spots you out and about and just joins you on whatever you’re doing, or he calls you up day of and asks if you wanna go out (you’ve gotten used to it)

• mentally, he convinces himself he’s the big spoon, but as soon as you two start to cuddle and fall asleep, he’s curling up on top of you, his head on your chest

• if you gave him any kind of nickname he’d pretend to hate it

• like, you’d probably just be like “hey igs” and he’d be like “yuckyyy ewww” but internally he’d be squealing and kicking his legs in the air like a schoolgirl

• he literally loves anything you do

• not even work or interest related, he just watches you do anything and is in love

• brushing your teeth? what a cutie. washing the dishes? you’re so responsible. sleeping? in the least creepy way possible, he could watch you sleep forever.

• he would NEVER say that out loud, though, he doesn’t really express love through words. he just looks at you with those little puppy dog eyes of his.

• he has a really hard time expressing his love for you at all, but you sense it.

• i think the closest he could get to it though would be a mixture of quality time and gift giving

• HE doesn’t plan dates, but if you wanted to plan something, or even just ask him to do something with him asap he’d be sprinting to your apartment

• he’d probably give you small gifts and not really take any credit for it

• small things, like your favourite snacks, or something that fit your interests, like a stuffed animal that reminded him of you, it’s yours

• and when you thank him he’d be like “yeah it’s whatever” but he’d also be all heart eyes

• he’s not really one for pda, he doesn’t really have anything for or against it

• he’d probably hold your hand or whatever, but i feel like full on making out is too much for him

• he does really like being close to you, though. he mainly just saves it for when you two are alone

• he’s also still healing from his “sex = love” mentality he had

• and even after that and all of his insecurities and fears, he’s still a wonderful boyfriend, just in his own, igby slocumb way.

[celestiaras]

‧₊˚✧ ❛[ don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree ]❜

ft. ren zotto, fulgur ovid, aster arcadia, elira pendora, enna alouette, rosemi lovelock x gn! reader — nijisanji en

╰₊✧ the time you spend together is more important than any material presents┊1.8k words

contains: fluff!! christmas activities, established relationships, might be a little boring to read but oh well i had fun writing it, no uki because i don’t write for him sorry :(

➤ author's note: merry belated christmas guys!! i feel like the quality of my writing has taken a nosedive and seasonal depression hit me like a truck, but i still enjoy writing and hope you guys still enjoy vtuber fics so i will persist!

━━━ .°˖✧ ren zotto ˚₊ ⊹

“what’s the plant for?” ren asked curiously, tilting his head as he approached you, being careful not to get his horns stuck in any of the decorations hanging from the ceiling. 

“it’s mistletoe! you’re supposed to kiss when you’re under it with your crush or partner.”

“why?” everything about this holiday was so strange to him, all of the reds and greens and whites and golds meshed with the smell of pine cones and baked cookies— not to mention the fat jolly man wearing red who essentially stalks each individual person and gives out presents depending if he thought they were naughty or nice. he’s learning new things as they appear to him, but he’s starting to worry he’ll never get it all.

“um… i’m not actually sure… it’s just a tradition we have here on earth,” you explained, holding tightly onto the handle of the stepping stool while making your descent. “i’m sure it has a meaning or reason of some sort— but i’m sure there is one!”

“that’s… strange… but i kinda like it…” 

he took a step closer to stand directly under the sprigs of evergreen, looking up at the thin red ribbons attaching to the door frame and little gold flakes making it sparkle, before looking back at you with a mischievous smile, “so are you going to kiss me or what?”

“already?”

“well, what did you put it up for if not to kiss me right now?”

“to tie together all of the decorations, obviously.”

“so you don’t want to kiss me?

you giggled and shook your head, wrapping your arms around his neck and reaching up on your tip-toes to place a gentle kiss on his lips, allowing it to linger for a couple of seconds before finally parting with a smile. 

“you call that a kiss?”

“don’t be greedy now.”

━━━ .°˖✧ fulgur ovid ˚₊ ⊹

he took a sip from his old pottery project mug with a contented sigh, tasting the hints of cinnamon melding with hot chocolate on his tongue with the whipped cream sticking to his upper lip. his eyes stared into the crackling fireplace, only allowing his gaze to flicker to you by his side when you reached out to lazily wipe it away with your finger and quickly sucking it off.

“this is nice,” he murmured, stretching his robotic legs under the knitted blanket you recently woven. “we should do this more often.” 

there was no feeling in his arms and legs, but he could feel warmth blooming throughout what little bit of human flesh remained as well as his soul. it wasn’t often you two got quality time like this with your conflicting schedules, yet with the christmas spirit in the air infecting the world with its joy, there seemed to be all of the time in the world to spend in the other’s company.

“hm, we really should,” you sighed as you nuzzled your face into his neck, your hands kept nice and toasty with the hot beverage in hand. “i never want to leave, it’s way too cold outside.”

it was true, the harsh winds creeping into your shared home always threatened your skin with constant shivers and the water pipes bursting, but as of now, none of that was a concern. it was just you and him cuddling against the winter frost, sitting in the living room surrounded by decorations and light from the fire. heaven couldn’t be closer if the pearly gates were right in front of his eyes. 

“i love you.”

“i love you too, so, so much.”

━━━ .°˖✧ aster arcadia ˚₊ ⊹

it’s always difficult to make a new apartment look lived in, but with christmas right around the corner, you two had a little cheat of a few more weeks to figure out how you wanted to make the home look after the decorations were put away. for now though, you were focusing on putting everything up to make it all look nice and festive: colorful lights were strung along the walls with shiny tinsel, wreaths on every door, stockings hung in the kitchen stuffed with candy canes, and a big plastic pine tree in the center ready to be adorned. it’s excessive, yes, but you both seemed to like the chaotic festive made with the combination of things from your previous respective homes before moving in together. 

“are any of these ornaments glass? i don’t want the cat to knock the tree over and break them.”

“no, they aren’t— i made sure for that exact reason, but also they were a lot cheaper—”

he spun around the tree, standing on his toes to reach the higher parts and hook the orbs onto the branches. it was like an intricate dance needing to circle the centerpiece without running into each other or placing too much focus on one area, trying to evenly spread out the love until the boxes were empty and taking a step back to admire the masterpiece. 

“do you want to put the star on top?”

“i don’t think i can lift you that high up!”

“i bet i can though!”

“with those puny arms of yours?”

“don’t underestimate a celestial being! i’ve actually been working out!”

“it means you’re powerful, but not necessarily strong— just get a stepping stool!”

━━━ .°˖✧ elira pendora ˚₊ ⊹

the dragon-hybrid girl took a deep breath of the delectable cinnamon cookies resting to sit in the oven before sighing dreamily, feeling her mouth water at the thought of sinking her fangs into them even if she burned her tongue in the process. “are those just about done now?”

“almost…” you kept an eye on their progress while setting the kitchen island with white frosting, rainbow m&ms, and sugar-coated gumdrops, only putting on the mitt to take out the tray and placing it with everything else when finished. “alright, it’s time to decorate!”

“can i just have one little nibble?”

“you can eat the ugly broken ones while we build the house.”

she tried her best to keep a steady hand to squirt the icing on the edges of the gingerbread squares neatly, but some bits of it dripped down the sides which she hastily wiped away with her nail as she hastily tried to construct a building before pouting as it collapsed. 

“you need to hold onto it as it dries,” you instructed, taking place behind her and wrapping your arms around her waist to guide her hands on placing everything perfectly, smiling slightly as your pretty girlfriend blushed at the contact. “see, like that!”

“so i have to hold it while you do the fun part?”

“okay, then i’ll hold it while you decorate the gingerbread men.”

after a considerable amount of thought, she smirked at the idea formed in her strange little mind and ran to a cabinet to fish out some bottles of food coloring to mix with the frosting. you watched curiously as she worked some magic at the speed of light, furrowed brows with her tongue sticking out slightly in concentration, working to make the imagined visual come to life.

you didn’t recognize what she was doing at first until she proudly presented her creation to you, making you shake your head and smile at how you didn’t see this coming.

“look! gingerbread yaoi!” she pressed their faces together like a child playing with dolls, making them kiss with a little giggle.

“is that supposed to be ren and akechi?”

“yep!”

you weren’t sure what you were expecting.

━━━ .°˖✧ enna alouette ˚₊ ⊹

“it’s way too cold for this shit,” she swore through chattered teeth.

“one more song and then we’ll go home,” you compromised, “the kids in this neighborhood seem to love you.”

“it’s because they think i’m another kid, but little do they know, i’m actually a grown-ass bi-”

“no swearing! anyways, what’s the next song?”

after some deliberation, you both settled on “oh come, all ye faithful” and began to sing out into the little awaiting crowd whose size was steadily growing throughout the night. the audience of all ages seemed to be amazed by your girlfriend’s voice, how deep and melodic it was in contrast to her youthful appearance as if an angel came down from the heavens to personally bless them with the spirit of christmas herself. 

it wasn’t often she was in the mood to do anything social like this, much preferring to spend the holiday alone with friends and loved ones in the heated comfort of her own home, but there was a certain magic in the air that allowed you to persuade her into spending today spreading the holiday cheer.

at least until you noticed her nose had turned bright red from the cold nipping at it for the past hour at some point and a bit runny, causing you to burst out laughing by the time you two had finished singing. enna sniffled and realized what you were smiling at, smacking you on the back with the rolled-up packet of carols as the onlookers laughed along with you.

“i’m sorry! i couldn’t help it, you looked too cute, like rudolph!” 

she bit her inner cheek, resisting the urge to swear in front of everyone else and simply smacked you again before returning her attention to them, gracefully accepting their praise and thanks for coming like she wasn’t about to curse up a storm just a few seconds ago.

━━━ .°˖✧ rosemi lovelock ˚₊ ⊹

the pinkette cheered excitedly as she eagerly put on her mittens and wrapped a woolen scarf around her neck, “i can’t remember the last time we had a white christmas!”

“remember to put on your hat, i don’t want your ears to get cold.”

“i’m just so excited!” she practically bolted out of the door to dance around the front lawn with you following suit, falling into the thick snow in a fit of giggles and rapidly moving her limbs to create snow angels. “i don’t even feel the cold with how excited i am!”

“don’t tell me the frost already settled in and numbed your senses.”

“no, it didn’t!” 

“god, you’re like a kid on christmas.”

“it is christmas! i’m just not a kid!”

“well, you might as well be.”

rosemi snickered and quickly grabbed a handful of snow, balling it up in her gloved hand and throwing it at the back of your head with shocking accuracy. “can a kid do that?”

“that’s exactly what a kid would do!” you gasped. “i’m going to get you for that!”

“no you won’t!” she laughed, jumping up and running over to hide behind a nearby tree from your oncoming assault. 

you two stayed outside until the sun set playing in the snow, creating more snow angels and families of snow people, having snowball fights with some neighborhood kids joining in— the cold never seemed to reach either of you with the constant movement keeping you warm, you could have sworn you might have started sweating at one point.

your girlfriend, on the other hand, had her teeth chattering after foolishly taking off one of the layers of her winter coat and catching a cold in the following days. thankfully though, she’ll be better by the new year as long as she doesn’t drink too much like she did last time.

[callofdudes]

Please bestie, I need platonic Alex Keller headcanons I beg of you 😭😭😭

I'm here to deliver for you in trying times bestie. Stuck at home from work in a blizzard so here I am for you. Hope it suffices and you enjoy. 🫡 @itsscromp

Alex Keller Headcanons:

I imagined Alex was one of those clowns in school. I think when he was younger he was respectful but also a hog for attention. He always got really happy when the teacher picked him in class and would pout if some other kid got "his answer".

I'm not terribly sure about family headcanons. I feel he fits as either an only child or as a younger brother to an older boy. (Possibly a twin) If he had any siblings I could see him as the middle child, an older brother, him and a little sister.

Alex's parents raised him as a gentleman. You think his manners came from the military?? Even when he was in highschool he called women he respected ma'am on the regular.

Alex watched a lot of spy movies when he was younger. Jason Bourne, Jack Ryan, R.E.D. A bunch of those kinds of movies. But Alex didn't originally want to be CIA.

He also really liked superheroes. (Lovingly borrowing a headcanon from Scromp) He really liked Mega Man and other super heroes like that. Probably watched Ben Ten or something. (Sang the power Rangers theme song)

I think unlike the others Alex's run to the military was as an accidental second hand decision.

He had incredible grades in school but when his brother was called for Mandatory service. Alex was still too young when his brother went to serve a couple years. Instead of going to college and getting a different job he went to serve mandatory years as well.

Alex gives me Texas man vibes, but he doesn't have the accent. So I don't think he grew up there, possibly from California or Georgia. Somewhere warm.

Alex wanted to serve alongside his brother but he was deployed while Alex was in his first stages of basic training.

Alex is a very sociable guy so he doesn't have trouble making friends. However, upon a certain incident he did lose a lot of his confidence. Around people he knows he's a butterfly in flight, but doesn't like attention on the leg.

Alex was super attached to his older brother but when he got past that part he did enjoy his time in the military.

Obviously the first person he wants to introduce you to Is his brother and his parents. He'll introduce you with so much pride.

In my mind I see Alex's parents as your typical Georgia or Texas conservative dressers. But they aren't those types of conservatives. They were worried for him when he was younger, but if their son showed up with a man on his arm they wouldn't bat an eye.

And obviously they love you. Alex's dad is the guy who says that even as a guest, in the house you take on some household priorities. Nothing big, but probably expects some help with yardwork and that you'll help his wife with dishes.

Alex will cook with his mother. And oh you see where he gets it. He's the guy whose mama's boy love takes presidents over other duties. He just wants to be with his mom.

You'll be allowed to join in with a casual soccer game of kicking the ball around with his brother. They're an incredible family and accept you as one of their own the moment they see you.

He loves to decorate it though, and has stickers from several incidents, or young military hostages that he could distract. So in a way it was a blessing.

However, he didn't talk to women as much anymore. Platonic relationships are a breath of fresh air.

His parents used to have to wrangle him in when he got his first girlfriend. Constantly sneaking out to meet up with her. And while a respectful kid, after a certain sneaking out the girl's father was not happy to get the story the next day.

After Alex got his leg, dating seemed to be swept off the table. He had all the qualities, tall, very handsome, strong. But the leg usually got people staring, and all the charisma went out the window.

He barely got hookups anymore. (Yes, he was that guy for a while, and he isn't proud of it.)

Alex has participated in the Invictus Games before and it was a whole lot of fun.

Alex's show for women comes in the form of how respectful he is of Farah's boundaries. While he is happy to assert where he stands. If Farah had told him not to go when he did, he still probably wouldn't have listened.

Alex experiences phantom limb and phantom pain. Most times he has to weather the pain, but whenever he experienced phantom pain in the beginning he'd pass out from it.

He is very active and loves to play soccer. (Is very prepared to get yelled at for calling it soccer instead of football)

In all honestly Alex does want to get close to the other 141 members. He's close with Gaz, Price and Y/n. Soap trusts pretty easily and likes Alex because Farah likes him. Ghostie is a challenge though. He's up for it.

Protein shake man all the way. The day isn't started without a protein shake or a hearty meal. He loves his meat but is also all for leaning into the greener side of his diet to help him feel refreshed.

An incredible cook. If you go back to his house for leave you will be well taken care of, I promise you.

All of his relationships are tended to as he sees fit. He's definitely more of an acts of service guy. If you need something done, he will show you his love and appreciation by getting it done. Garbage is full?? On it. Feet sore? He'll take care of that for you.

Alex is a family man, but he also understands the sentiment that the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. And he holds his friendships with his brothers in high stakes.

Has a very smooth and charismatic air about him the majority of the time. He's well spoken and confident even if he doesn't have control of certain situations.

Just. Don't. Mention. The. Leg. 😁🔪

While he isn't really strong at other acts, physical affection like pats on the back or brief hugs do as well.

Tries to make Scream movie references to Ghost, like the ever popular "Sydney call" or other classic scenes. Is gleefully delighted when Ghost understands most of the references.

If you live somewhere known for its giant spiders *cough cough* he will not go. You are not getting him on that plane. Nada, zilch wiggle room on that one partner.

Probably uses comic book lines he likes a lot. Recites them like those cheesy scenes in movies where the leader of a group gives a heroic speech about kicking ass and staying loyal.

Gets called Price's son and honestly? A compliment.

Going back to acts of service, Alex also feels his love language as acts of service. Whenever he needs to let his leg breathe and get off his feet he takes off the leg and relaxes. And icing on the cake? If you feel comfortable, come over and massage his leg. Oh he'll keep you forever.

Will often do the robot dance to try and make you laugh, loves to dance with you in any setting.

You're never too old to go trick or treating. Alex comes off as the fun uncle that I could see dressing up as a Frankenstein and takes his nephews/nieces along with him for some fun around the block.

Clubber for life 🤟🏻😜 Seriously though, getting him tipsy enough and he'll challenge anyone insight to a drinking off. Will almost always lose. Especially against Johnny or Ghost.

If a girl won't call him a smoking handsome man, platonically please inflate his ego. It's like an air mattress and eventually it deflates to the point that you can feel the floor. Please fill his air mattress with compliments.

His tattoos include homages to his family. And his old squads and friends. Got a special tattoo for you over his left wrist with your initials and something that reminds him of you. (A flower, a hat, etc)

You know those bikes that you can lay down on and pedal almost vertical with the handlebars on the sides?? Photo. Yeah, he owns one of those. Will let you ride it. Yes it is fun.

Tried to grow his beard like Price's once so they could really be twins. Price for offended and now they have a rule that their beards/moustaches are not allowed to overlap like that.

Overall, very interesting man. A fun man, a funny man, loves some attention on him but not his leg. Please not make fun of him, yes he wants a girlfriend, yes he's sad and single but slaying every day of the week. Yes you are his best friend for life and if you try to abandon him he'll eat your legs off 😌.