#like my love life is so barren that this is the most I've ever done aw man just join the nunnery already

[fazcinatingblog]

I don't talk about this ever, but there was a really weird time in my life when I was about 21, and I was mutuals on Twitter with this really annoying guy (shall remain nameless obviously) who voted liberal and we'd argue about politics all the time (also he argued with everyone about politics and he hated Hilary Clinton), also he was Essendon so we'd argue about that as well and anyway he was hopelessly single and for some reason I also found him on tinder (he's bald and ugly) and for some reason I had his number (????) and we'd send like really dirty texts (no pictures but it was back in the day when I'd have to top up phone credit all the time and texts were 25 cents) and he was about 30-ish at the time and one day I thought yeah okay let's go on a date (???), so we went to Southland to see one of the Hunger Games movies but it was months after the release date so the session we wanted was already starting when we were queueing so last minute, we picked Avengers movie, also he was really tall, like ginormously tall, oh and he'd found out recently that it was my birthday two months before so he brought me a present, chocolates and a DVD of full house (his favourite TV show)

The movie was fine, great movie, we barely talked at all the entire time (he was so TALL), didn't touch each other at all thank God, I asked him a few questions like have you seen any Marvel movies before and he said iron man.

Then after the movie, we walked out and he said bye and I texted my dad to pick me up and I went out the front to wait for my dad and that's it, oh and then the guy never texted me for like a week???? I'm like well I guess I'm being ghosted lmao I don't even like him but also felt really upset by it all and then the new girl episode on channel 10 that week was the fancyman part 2 and honestly it was the most cathartic therapeutic relatable episode and with that, I was absolutely hooked on new girl. Oh and I did text/Twitter the dude again but we never made actual plans to hang out again and

This is the longest and most pointless story I'm so sorry Tumblr but imagine if that random tweet today was HIM (his name isn't Kenny though and he wasn't Asian either) like what if he thinks he could slide back into my messages lmao good luck with that, mate

[queerprayers]

hi ! i hope you're doing well, and i just wanna say first that i love your blog and it just radiates comforting vibes :)

i wanted to ask for some advice. i chose god over a year ago after having this push-pull thing with him for almost ten before that. most of my issues with actually accepting him came from ideas i had about him from his more conservative/evangelical followers, which i began to debunk for myself after figuring out that god, not them, was who i wanted.

so i've been sticking to the old testament, mostly. i found god in there, grew to love him because of it, and it's just a beautiful text, but also there are far fewer conservative dogwhistles in there than there are in the new testament. the new testament is hard for me to look at, and i feel guilty about it.

and its like- ive grown up with jesus my whole life. my parents are methodist, i was raised methodist. but i've never felt very close to him, thanks to those who twisted his verses about love and kindness into weapons against people like me. i read these verses that mean so much (john 3:16 and the like) and all i get out of it is a crawling sense of dread. like the associations are Bad, and it seeps through the whole new testament.

all this long-winded nonsense is basically to say that somebody got their hands all over the new testament and now i look at it and it is just barren. have you ever experienced something like this? any advice on how to,, reclaim the new testament or something? (thank you so much for reading this holy shit it's long. sorry about that)

Thank you beloved, I'm glad you're here! No such thing as too long here, I promise—well, there might be on my end. (You've been warned.) I'm overjoyed that you've chosen to pursue God—separating what you've been told from what you seek to believe in is such a hard thing to navigate.

I'm gonna be honest, this is such a refreshing question and I'm glad that you're asking it. I overwhelmingly hear the opposite from Christians—that the New Testament is easy and loving and comforting, and the Old Testament is scary and violent or whatever. I always want to ask first, what their opinions of Judaism are, because that's a red flag to me; and next, have they read the NT? It isn't easy and it isn't always comforting, and I think too many Christians only read the parts that they think are. The fact that you're recognizing those hard things and wanting to deal with them is a beautiful thing—we should take these texts seriously enough to criticize and struggle with them.

First of all: You have no need to feel guilty for what other people have done with holy things, or for your emotions. You have not done something wrong by carrying this hurt with you. What we feel is not in our control—but we can listen to it. Let this be a movement of desire, not of guilt. You're seeking God past the dread. You want to grow enough that the ideas people have taught you don't stand between you and what you want—and you've already done so much of this growth. I believe that you can keep moving in the direction of God, and find God in more and more places. But you don't have to pretend it's not hard. And if it was easy I'm not sure that would be a good thing.

Your experiences and associations and discomfort and fear—they're your history and they're also the history of the text. I'm sure you've heard people say "Don't let stuff like that turn you away from the original meaning of the verses!" Or "Jesus didn't mean that!" But of course the verses hold weight. They've had baggage before they ever got to you—two thousand years of it. Hold space for the fact that they've been used to hurt you and others. That's not meaningless—it's part of the meaning now. People who claimed their destruction was what Jesus meant have added to the history of Jesus and the text—and people who created love and beauty in honor of those verses have also added to these histories. We can learn about the original meaning of the text, but we cannot erase or ignore the meanings that have existed over the years. Go into this without guilt or pressure or expectation, and bring the anger and confusion and bad experiences. The text is strong enough to handle them. God is strong enough to handle them.

I want to acknowledge that finding God in the Hebrew Bible and existing there with Them is a beautiful thing. You don't have to equally relate to every single part of a religion to create a home there. Of course I hope that you grow new connections with the NT, but if it's never the same as the OT, that's not a flaw or a failure. None of us can find all the places where God is present and hold them all equally. Our brains aren't big enough for that. You have created a beautiful connection with God, and I hope that you know that there are so many fulfilled, faithful people who have not, and will never, experience God in the NT. Of course these people generally aren't Christian—and that's obviously a choice you can make—but I hope that knowledge reminds you that you aren't doing anything wrong. You have a duty to God, not to religion. And you certainly don't have a duty to the ideas you've grown up with or translators or interpreters or even to Biblical writers. We enter religion to learn and create community and to fully live out our duty to God—religion serves us, not the other way around. 

I love that you brought up conservative dogwhistles because this is a point that, again, I've heard more people fall on the other side of! More people have a problem with the politics of the OT, for lots of reasons. The NT was written much closer to our current point in history, of course, in a time and culture much more familiar to most of us than Ancient Israel. The Roman Empire's language and government and philosophy has influenced the world immensely, and I think for most people it's therefore easier to exist in/relate to/project on. For you, though, this might be having the opposite effect. The fact that the Roman Empire is closer and more influential to our culture may make you more aware of its injustices and biases. Conservatism as we know it is much closer to values found in the Christian scriptures than the Jewish ones partially because it's more culturally and politically similar to ours. (Think about how many far-right people idolize the Roman Empire! And of course, think about how many conservatives are Christians.) 

I'm assuming, because you're someone who notices politics in texts, that you've probably confronted things in the OT that you've had to process and put in context and perhaps still struggle with. I know that you've been met with violence and patriarchy, and that you've read verses that you probably know have been used to justify racism, sexism, slavery, and homophobia. Perhaps you've come to these chapters and said something like, "Wow, this has been used for a lot of evil, and this is something I have to deal with, but I also want to give grace to the culture that existed this way and told these stories, see the times that systems like patriarchy are challenged and changed over time, and use this for good and liberation in my own life." Maybe this is easy for you, or maybe it's taken a lot of strength. 

Barbara Brown Taylor talks about "shadow languages" in her book Holy Envy (which I recommend)—languages in the Bible that assume things, that carry with them narratives we need to look out for. She identifies the language of contempt, the one of social hierarchy, the one that glorifies suffering for suffering's sake, the one that divides reality into opposed pairs. She tells us that "the purpose of staying on the lookout for languages like these is to prevent them from becoming uncontested parts of the Christian worldview. Every time I run into one of them hard enough to hurt, I turn around and look in the opposite direction, where there is almost always a counternarrative in scripture, just waiting for someone to notice it."

I think about how slavery is not abolished in the Bible—it has not been abolished ever. At various times in history, it has been taken for granted, challenged, uprooted, and changed form. Why are the ancient Israelites freed from captivity and go on to enslave people? Why does God move them to chip away at slavery but not fully eradicate it? Why does Paul say there is no slave or free under Christ Jesus, but preserves the social hierarchy inherent to that statement? It angers me that oppression is never abolished completely and immediately, but I also know that's not how people (or true stories) work. We take a lot of things for granted—and that leads many people to conservatism. I love Paul's writings, and I also know that his greatest sin (like many of us) was believing God's love liberated only as far as his imagination. He could imagine a God who loved the enslaved, could imagine a world in which their souls were equal, but could not imagine a world without slavery. He could imagine a spiritual equality of men and women, but not a social one. The gospel writers could worship a Jewish man as God, honor the scriptures he quoted, and add no nuance to the Jewish leaders who opposed him. They could imagine a messiah coming from Judaism but could not give grace to the Judaism around them.We all have failures of imagination, and we are always wrong. (Thanks be to God.)

I am not in the business of excusing harmful systems. I don't think you should do this when tackling the NT—I think you should challenge it and accuse it and dismantle it. But I also want you to remember the grace that you have brought to the Hebrew Bible. You have found God in a text with a lot of hard things and a lot of beautiful things—I bet you can do it again. Maybe it's more personal this time, maybe it's closer to your culture, but you have the skills. And maybe this is gonna make you go back to the OT with harsher eyes—so be it. Be curious about how this changes your relationship with history—humanity's and your own. However you understand conservatism, you can find it in both parts of the Christian Bible. And you can't take away the ways people have furthered that. But you can see them, and you can build relationships with the stories, knowing that your imagination can go further—and God's goes further still. You have been taught by bigoted people and a bigoted world, and you know it. You already know you want God, not them.

So what do we do when someone got their hands all over the New Testament? I love that question, because they absolutely have. They're still doing it. Someone got their hands all over the OT too—actually, probably more and worse someones seeing as it's a Jewish text and Christian hands are inherently meddling. But this is all part of the text's history. However much we believe God was involved, people wrote in their own language and from their own culture.  The curation and copying and collecting and translating and analysis inherent to the Bible's existence (it didn't spring fully formed into the King James Version) are people's hands. We can't take that away—and in fact, we needed their hands for these texts to get to us. 

Reclaiming the Bible for me has not included pretending those hands don't exist—especially when they're personal. What it has included is prying some of those hands off to see God underneath. The thing about that, though, is that it gets our fingerprints involved. You can't reach into a text and find God without getting your hands dirty. There is no pure holy text in this life. The NT that you're reading—unless you're smarter than me—is already translated. You can learn to read Greek, you can study history, but you're gonna be doing it with your own hands. While you're finding God in the text, accept that even if you go all the way back, the original writers' fingerprints are on the very first copy. 

Let this move you to know that none of it is empty. I acknowledge the barrenness you're describing as the only thing you can see right now—but know that even if this is overwhelming, it's proof that the text itself is full. The fact that so many people, for good and evil, have touched it and transformed it, the fact that you desire connection with it, means that it is not empty. There would be nothing there for you to want to reclaim—but you're asking.

I think it would be really interesting for you to find the humanity in the gospels. Look for the people. Yes, these are characters told and retold—you can see the fingerprints—but they were people first. Look for people reclaiming and messing around and taking cultural things for granted and challenging other things—and live in it with them. Don't approach any of it as a solid text that exists—look at it as a living, breathing text that we all tear into. And, yes, this means people are going to twist it almost beyond recognition, but they do not have a monopoly on joining the story—you bring your experiences and your biases. Be human with it, the way that I'm sure you are with the OT, which is full of flawed, evil people who sing beautiful songs. Be human with them.

Enlarge your theological circle. Read liberation theology, queer theology, disability theology. Read the Quran, which is an amazing time that people got their hands on the NT (as well as having its own history of violence). Find different, beautiful hands that tell these stories in new ways. I can't promise you'll find beauty—that's such an emotional and personal experience. We can't force beauty out of anything. But other people have found and created beauty, and we can experience it secondhand—through stained glass, a musical, a movie, a song, a poem—not because their eyes are better than yours, but because they're also honest.

Barbara Brown Taylor (again in Holy Envy) recounts wisdom from a visiting imam, who "explained that the long lineage of Muslim scholars who have worked collaboratively for centuries to interpret the Quran in the most humane ways are more to be trusted than those who spill blood based on their own readings and ambitions." There are always other traditions, and when all we can see is a weapon, there are those who will unclench our fists. 

I would encourage you to make sure you have a NT text that has footnotes to tell you when someone is quoting the Hebrew Bible. The NT is in relationship with, building on and interpreting and philosophizing about, the OT. If you are coming from the OT, bring those verses with you, the same way Jesus and early Christian writers did. The New Testament as a body of work did not exist for the first Christians—the scriptures they had were the ones you have connected with. You're in such good company. Look at how easily Jesus quotes scripture, the verses he adds on to and interacts with, the prophecies he sees himself in. Look at the sacrifice imagery that the gospel writers use to talk about Jesus—assuming that the reader will be familiar with these themes. Even within the OT, we can see later Jewish prophets criticizing and conversing with earlier verses—humanity is constantly in conversation with itself and God. You have such a good foundation for understanding this relationship.

The other good foundation you have? Wrestling with a text. It's the ones we're in community with that are the ones we're most often in conflict with and hold to the highest standards—for Jesus, this was the Jewish community he was a part of, and for you, this might be the NT. Have beef with your own scriptures and communities and religious leaders—reclaiming and wrestling are what the gospels are about. Acts and the letters in the NT are continuously debating the relevance of various OT verses. Do hard work on a text, and do it in good company.

Carry with you the scriptures you love as you travel into unfamiliar or painted-over territory. Know that you have something to come back to, however far you g0. While wading into waters you don't understand, you know that there's land under your feet—and you know that it's land that Jesus valued, that all the people in the NT valued, even as they wrestled with it. The first verses of the NT are a genealogy from Abraham to Jesus's adoptive father. Christians see this all as one story—whether you believe that right now or not, the human story is constantly moving, and God is your solid ground. 

Jesus set down a foundation on that rock of God and Christians have added bricks to it and torn stuff down and messed around and burned it and kept building it—but you know there's God under it, because you've seen Them. So when you read Paul awkwardly shoving some bricks together and think, "That's not how I would build a community…" know that God's under there. When you read Peter denying Jesus, know that his name still means "rock," that you can still create solid ground after everything. You know where God is, and also, our lives are ever-expanding journeys of finding where else God could be. Yours looks different from the Christians who consider the NT to be that same rock, but that's okay! It's okay if the OT is a firm foundation for you, and the NT is one of the bricks. Look for God in those awkward bricks, which I know you can do because you've already done it. King David wrote the most beautiful songs I know—you don't ignore his murder and rape, you honor the whole story.

John 3:16 is a much-loved verse—but it being more important than other verses is a construct. You don't have to like it—in fact, the context of this is Jesus talking to Nicodemus, who doesn't understand what he's saying. Jesus is very familiar with confusion and even anger as a response—and he even seems to seek it out sometimes. Nicodemus comes to him as a genuine student, and Jesus starts going on about being born again, something that his new student seems to have no foundation for. Oh, to be a confused new student rather than someone whose had "being born again" held over my head! I wish I could come to the idea with no baggage! I wish I had no foundation for that idea, so I could start over—which would, perhaps, come closer to what Jesus is saying than any evangelical teaching. 

Take care, keep trudging. Whatever path this brings you to, whatever communities you end up building, know that with God as the foundation, even awkward haphazard fingerprinted ripped-up texts can tell stories that we need to hear. I can't take away the associations you have with these texts, but I can pray you create new ones. Learn new songs, meet new characters. Get your hands messy. 

Don't force a positive relationship—what people have done with the text is a barrier to you right now, and this might be more of a journey with a barrier than a going through it. There are pieces of barriers I've broken open that come with me when I revisit those verses. You already have a more honest relationship with all of this than so many others, and you have the skills already to know that it is God, not the world's followers, that you want. 

I hope this wasn't long-winded nonsense, and I hope something here resonates. The short answer (which I probably should have put at the beginning) is that yes, I've experienced something like this. The year I couldn't read the Bible without panicking, I cried while watching The Prince of Egypt. In the years after that, I almost came back to it like I was converting—reading the basics, starting from scratch. Growing up and becoming purposely Christian (rather than your parents exactly) is a kind of conversion, and you have to reclaim the texts, and ask God to reclaim you as you are now. 

Isaiah 55:10-11 tells us that God's word pours out like rain, and never returns empty. It sticks with us until something grows inside us. And John begins his gospel by telling us that the word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. This is a living word, one that cried and got angry and fell in love with his friends and participated in a culture and wrestled with God's will and interpreted scripture and was a person with us. You'll have to forgive Christianity for being so human—God did it first. God got his fingerprints all over us, and we wrote texts that have God's living breathing word—and also our messy hands. Thank God for your hands, and the love that they will bring. 

<3 Johanna

[madness-combat-confessions]

Homeboy let me tell you on this one, I didn't know there's a madcom specific confession blog out here its quite surprising which. oh brother (gender neutral). you would loooovvveee this particular gossip that had been navigating its way to the dark tunnels of my mind back and forth like a wandering ghost about to get fucking tazed by someone who's reeling in power trip in the distant northern region of britain because buddy, do you know that feeling of self discovery plundered about with self resignation? I've been WAITING to confess this my whole life, I'm like a sinner in one of those confession box and you in your awesome fit is listening to a year long obsession crumpled into few paragraphs with no way of knowing who I am or where to exorcise me. ehhehehehe. AHAHAHAHHAHA.

I FUCKING HATE PHOBOS. IHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIM—

OBSESSION SO FIXED IT IS A BLESSING IN FORM OF FAILED LOBOTOMY. HE'S BEEN ON MY LIFESPAN UNBEARABLY WELCOMING LIKE THE GRIP OF AN BOXER,

I HATE. HIM.

HIS EXISTENCE IS NOTHING SHORT BUT AN MIRACLE TO MY BLEAK EXISTENCE, OF WHOM HAD FILLED MY TORMENTED COMPLEX WITH A LITTLE BIT OF JOY THAT IT. HURT. IT'S A SENSATION OF RETURNED LOSS WHENEVER HE MADE HIMSELF AT HOME WITHIN MY TORMENT NEXUS AND IT SPEAKS OF AN UNSPOKEN RESIGNATION TO A DEATHLY WORSHIP, A FIXATION SO BOUND SO BLINDING ITS LIFE RUINING YET SO FUCKING REWARDING. MY MUTUALS, MY DEAREST BELOVED MUTUALS WHO HAD KNOWN ME FROM MY MADCOM PHASE (if y'all see this and recognize me somehow, hey man), SEES ME AS— you know what they see? THEY SEES ME AS T.H.E PHOBOS ENJOYER. THEY CAN S E E ME SCRAPING HELL TO BACK FOR A REMINDER OF HIS IMAGE ON THEIR WINDOWS AS IF I WAS THEIR NEIGHBOR GOING MAD AND DIGGING A HOLE OVER IT BECAUSE I HATE HIM SO MUCH

HOWEVER... I LOVE HIM AS A CHARACTER TOO BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH HE HAD OFFERED ME TO GROW AS A PERSON AND THAT UTTERLY WRECKED ME.

THIS VISAGE OF A BARREN EMPIRE, HE HAS BROUGHT ME TO TEARS AS MUCH AS HE HAD MADE ME BARKED. HE HELPED ME UNLIKE ANY OTHER IN MY FUCKING LIFE AND ISN'T THAT JUST DISSAPOINTING YET BEAUTIFUL? ITS HIM. HIM THAT MADE ME REALIZE MY HUMANITY.

He's a reminder of what I could've be if I don't step up to care for my mental health, and as hot as the idea of me being a CEO there's no fucking way I'll fucking bootlick the horrors beyond my comprehension especially when I have the corporate power not to. I wanna fight those thangs, I want a war not power. Its because of this very reason that he's my existential horror that I don't mind worshiping. A welcoming hand to my new world as a human being instead of a piece of nothing, and I don't know if I should be thankful or be angry that it was him instead of tha hottie sweetie Sanford. But. Its undeniable of what he had done to me. There's a piece of me in that wretched soul, I can't help but to care but for the HATE I have for him this care has been translated in the same manner of how people treated Spamton G Spamton. Violence all the way, a beautiful blend of loving violence. I'll worship him from hell to back if it meant that I could beat the ever loving FUCK outta this mf, I want his blood in my kidneys and for it break down the animalistic copper from my taste buds into nutrients so that my arteries can intimately understand how much I have come to HATE him since he decided to break into my psyche all those years ago. He made me understand myself, I find that beautiful.

Its been one year since the obsession wore off you know? I don't gone mad no more baby, the sin of gluttony and wrath no longer traced the ceiling of my mind because all is there is ORDER. A calm acknowledgement of what he had done to me as a person. But no laws can tame the most shitheads of them all, you won't hear me saying this if it had won the internal war back here in my frontal cortex.

I love him, your honor. And because of that I desire so greatly for the act of violence both to him and in his name as a honor to myself, whole and bare, which eventually circles back to him again.

The complexity of my opinion on him were a beautiful tapestry of my own personal growth, a careful blend of colorful care. I no longer feel indifferent towards myself and its all thanks to him. He's my most beloved blorbo, he saved me from a life of neverending agony. I pray every day that I could get a job just so that one day, ONE. DAY. our lord Krinkles turned him into a marketable plushie. Just so that a visage of him can complete the shrine I'm about to build for him as I whisper promises of violence for him and to him.

Yeah... He's my blorbo ♥

I'm gonna start getting therapy appointments for you guys../j

[geeky-politics-46]

Just Hold Me

Pairing: Sinister Stephen Strange x Reader

Summary: Something is wrong. You are acting odd & all Stephen wants to do is help you feel better

Warnings: Not much, light angst & references to potential depression. Fluffy ending. Sinister being the most loving devoted boy ever even if he doubts himself.

Totally a self-comfort piece. I've been feeling sad & this is what I want right now.

He wasn't used to seeing you this way. In fact, in all the time you had been in his universe, he had never seen you like this before. The light was missing from your eyes. You weren't crying, but your normal sunny disposition was nowhere to be found.

Your face was a blank slate. You didn't seem angry or outright upset, but your smile was nowhere to be seen. Even when he put on your favorite show, you weren't smiling and giggling like you normally would. It was breaking his heart.

You had always been the sunshine to his dark storm cloud self. You brightened his day and cleared away the gloom and cobwebs that had invaded his mind for years. He hoped that he hadn't somehow accidentally extinguished that fire and light that made you so enchanting. That was something he knew he would never forgive himself for. 

Even the weather outside had shifted with your personality. The cracks of sunlight that had started illuminating the barren land below, lulling it back to life, had dimmed. Storm clouds and low rumbles of thunder followed in the next few days. By the third day, it had begun steadily drizzling on and off all day.

Perhaps you wanted to leave but didn't know how to tell him. He was sure he would die if you did leave, but he wouldn't keep you there if you were no longer happy in his world. Or with him. Maybe you decided you couldn't love a monster like him anymore. He wouldn't blame you.

He found you sitting in your shared bed, bundled up in blankets, and just staring out the window. Watching the raindrops pitter patter against the window. Your hair hadn't been brushed in a day or two, and you were still in the shirt you slept in. 

"I know you have said nothing is wrong, but I know you are lying, my love. You can tell me if you want to leave. If you aren't happy with me anymore. If you have changed your mind about us. Or if I have done something to hurt you. I will make it right in any way that I can. Even if it means losing you. Your happiness is the most important thing in the multiverse to me." 

Your heart ached that you made him question your love for him. That had never even been a thought in your mind. You loved Stephen unconditionally. In fact, even you couldn't pinpoint what you were feeling or why you were feeling so withdrawn. You couldn't stand to see his eyes looking like a scolded puppy, and you immediately wanted him to be near you.

"Oh, Stephen. Come here. 

You unwrapped yourself from the blankets and patted the spot next to you on the bed. Wanting him to join you in your blanket cocoon.

"You haven't done anything to hurt me, and I definitely haven't changed my mind about us. I love you more than anything, Stephen. I'm just feeling really down, and I don't know why. It's stupid, and there's no real reason why that I can think of. I didn't want to bring your mood down with me, but I guess that didn't really work, huh?"

He had brought himself to sit in the bed next to you. Not wanting to touch you until you gave him permission, but he grabbed one of your hands in his as you wiped away a couple of stray tears with the other. 

"Trust me, darling. I have been to the depths of despair, and nothing you could say could bring me down. Not as long as you are here and you let me help you. Now, what do you need? Do you want anything to drink or eat? I can get you some more blankets to snuggle in. I can put on one of your favorite movies. I can leave you alone if you want me to, but I'd rather be here if you'll let me. Even if we just sit here in silence."

Your heart warmed at the honesty in his eyes and in his voice. You had never met a man quite like him. One who had seen and felt so much in his life. Had his world ripped apart in front of him, and yet all he wanted was to make you feel better. Even just having him next to you now made you feel a little less sad. A hint of a smile pulled at your lips for the first time in days. 

"Can you just hold me, please, Stephen? I just want to lay here and listen to the storm and have you hold me tight. I don't really know what's wrong with me right now, but you feel right to me."

He smiled at your request. He was so hoping that you would let him hold you. He knew that having you in his arms was always what made him feel better when the dark thoughts and lingering voices from the Darkhild threatened to overtake his mind. 

"Of course darling. All you ever have to do is ask." 

With that, he snuggled down under the covers and held you tight. Spooning you from behind and making sure his body touched yours as much as he possibly could before using his magic to pull the soft fluffy blankets up around both of you. Restoring your little cocoon you had made with both of you inside it now. Your hand quickly found its place over his, and your body wiggled to get even closer. 

He pressed a couple of soft, comforting kisses to your shoulder once you had found your comfortable spot. His heart fluttered a little when he heard you sigh and felt you relax into his arms. Letting your body melt into his. 

You stayed like this for what had to be hours. It didn't matter to him how long he stayed there. He wasn't going to let you go until you told him to. He would hold you until the universe collapsed around you both if you asked him to. His reason for living was to be the mooring that held you steady in both calm and stormy seas.

He knew you were on the verge of sleep by the way your breath pattern changed. It was only then that he let his own guard down and let himself begin to drift with you. Then, in the smallest and sweetest tone, he heard you whisper. It was barely audible.

"Thank you, Stephen. I love you."

He smiled softly to himself. Nudging his nose into your hair to get closer to you still. Whispering back into your ear, the truest words he had ever spoken in his life.

"I love you too, darling. Always and with all of my being. Though good and bad."

--------------------------------

Back to Fluffy Sinister Strange masterlist

Back to main masterlist

Stephen Strange Taglist: @starkiller-queen @glitterylokislut @verycollectivecreator @chatampr @maskmare931 @lovecleastrange @wheredafandomat @mkixx @evelynrosestuff @katefullerrr @littlepinknightmare @foofarny @stygianoir @moonroyalt @saturnsbabe69 @blaxdet @blackrose-92 @ironstrange1991 @rindulacre @nancy-thompsons @wolfatheartandsoul @dangerouslittlefairy @n0obmaster-69 @oliveoilthoughts @onebatch--twobatch @yourmajesty13 @blondekel77 @lil-sweater-slut @gwephen @taramaria @sinceimetyou @slashersrus @coeurgrenaty @cc13723things @just--a-magpie @supervengerslock @strangelockd @dont-feel-so-good-peter @kingsmanperfecthartwin @ghost-lantern @inlovewithloki16 @thefalconandthewinterwidowshield @itssmaugtheterrible @katherinemaximoff @veryfancydoilies @cute-angi @mochacake2016 @prix19 @alexfanficnook @anotheroddfish @namor-is-the-way @xourownsidee @baes-x @dreamingsmile @negar77rd @imaginesfreetotake @ppatricia34me @rougepetale @tis-vereon @divinearchangel @sherlux @hiddlechive @ginnykate @thatesqcrush @friendofplenti @yuugenmomo @holdmyowos @the-royal-petals @lokislov3 @captaincarmel164 @lucimorningst4r @mydearalmira @petalcranberry @singhfae @emotionsareforuglypeople @trappedinlimbo15 @veryladyqueen @icytrickster17 @kentucky-criedfricken @briefhandsstudenttoad @calamityismyspecialty @sinisterstrange616 @patbrdac @trojanaurora @azu21 @massivehahaao3tree @strangesgirl @tobios-shawty @evelyn-kingsley @rmoonstoner  

[sagsunscorpmooncancerrising]

I watched a video a few days ago from the first real vacation I ever took. It is a minute-long clip I used to marvel at, a time-lapse I propped my phone up in a sandbank to capture. In it I wander into the frame, plop down on the beach with my back to camera and stare at the horizon. The sky transitions from blue to orange, bright purple to pink.

Seeing this video used to bring me peace. Now all I can see is how minuscule I appear to be in comparison to the ocean before me. The tide rolls in and out ferociously and it's like the waves are screaming “we've been here forever and we will remain here forever and you're lucky we didn't swallow you when you dared get this close on your first big girl vacation at age 17"

My dad’s house boasts a barren interior as do most of the homes of men who go through a divorce in their mid forties. When I was there yesterday I noticed a self help book on the side table. Strange, I thought, for a man who has proudly never read a single book in his life.

Later on I went to my mom's. Her partner hates clutter, so a few years back she got rid of the entire catalog of books she spent the duration of my childhood enmeshed in. She hasn't been much of a reader since. I was taken by the moment of synchronicity when I looked to her otherwise empty bookshelf and saw the same book my dad was reading.

“Loving it,” she said, noticing me noticing it. “You can borrow when I'm done if you want?” 

I do not. 

When the door flew off that Alaskan Airlines Boeing earlier this year I was a week out from a trip out West and I experienced my first ever bout of flight anxiety. Back when I wanted to die, I thought going out on a plane would be kind of glamorous. I used to feel spiritual up there in the sky and accept my demise in a cool, dramatic way. Scarier than a plane door coming off mid-flight is my realization that I’ve always been afraid of having a life I love, because that would mean that the thing I love is finite and the things that bring me joy will be over. I can only wrap my head around my own mortality should it be tied to a life of misery. I think that now, at 26, I carry the burden of liking life more than I did at 17. There’s much more that can slip away from me now.

I used to say I didn’t like Neil Young, but yesterday his CD was playing in the car and thank God I had my big sunglasses on because I couldn't stop myself from crying. We zoomed past the Burger King parking lot where I saw an older gentleman attempting to balance three large pops in a tray while trying to get the door to his blue sedan open. It struck me then that we are really all living this life for the first time.

I’ve always shied away from writing because

it hurts my fingers to hold a pen, and 

I've never allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are valuable enough to be put down on paper

As you can see, I no longer care and am writing regardless

[moondustinfj]

Marauders - Enneagram

Remus Lupin: 9

"Still, I check my vital signs/ Choked up, I realize/ I have been less than half myself, for more than half my life

It looks like emphaty, to understand all the sides/ But I'm just trying to find myself, through someone else's eyes

Wake up, roll up your sleeves/ There is a chain reaction in your heart/ Muscle memory/ Remembering who you are

We were born to try/ To see each other through/ To know and love ourselves and others well/ Is the most difficult and meaningful work we'll ever do"

Sirius Black: 8

"I remember the minute/It was like a switch was flipped/ I was just a kid who grew up strong enough/ To pick this armor up/ And suddenly it fit

God that was so long ago, long ago, long ago/ I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive/ And I grew up too quick

When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/ I see the familiar/ I was little, I was weak, I was perfect too/ Now I'm a broken mirror

Here I am, pry me open/ What do you want to know/ I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough/ To hold the door shut and bury my innocence/ But here's a map, here's a shovel/ Here's my Achilles' heel"

Regulus Black: 3

"Maybe I've done enough/ Your golden child grew up/ Maybe this trophy isn't real love/ And with or without it I'm good enough

I finally see myself/ Unabridged and overwhelmed/ A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell/ I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

I only want what's real/ Set aside the highlight reel/ And leave my greatest failures on display/ Worthy of love, anyway "

James Potter: 7

" How nice it'd be/ If we could try everything/ I'm serious, let's make a list and just began/ What about danger/ So what/ What about risk/ Let's climb this mountain before we cross that bridge

How wonderful to see a smile on your face/ It costs farewell tears for a welcome home parade/ A secret handshake between me and my one life/ I'll find the silver lining no matter what the cost

But I want to be here/ Truly be here/ To watch the ones I love bloom/ And I want to make room/ To love them through and through and through and through/ The slow and barren seasons too

I feel hope/ Deep in my bones/ Tomorrow will be beautiful "

Lily Evans: 2

"Sweetheart, you look a little tired/ When did you last eat/ Come in and make yourself right at home/ Stay as long as you need/ Tell me, is something wrong/ If something's wrong, you can count on me

I know exactly how the rule goes/ Put my mask on first/ No I don't want to talk about myself/ Tell me where it hurts/ I just want to build you up, build you up/ Till you're good as new/ And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too

Like a force to be reckoned with/ A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss/ I will love you with every single thing that I have/ Like a tidal wave I'll make a mess/ Or calm waters if that serves you best/ I will love you without any strings attached/ I will love you without a single string attached"

Peter Pettigrew: 6

" Oh God I'm so tired/ Of being afraid

I want to take shelter/ But I'm ready, ready to fight/ Somewhere in the middle, I feel a little paralyzed/ Maybe I'm stronger than i realize

And no matter what/ Somehow we'll be okay

Don't be afraid"

Sleeping at last - Enneagram

[jessicafurseth]

Reading List, Art is Sustenance edition.

[Image via Kelly Beall]

*

"I've been holding off on writing this particular story until I knew how it ended, but it occurred to me the other day that that's exactly the wrong instinct. We pretty much only ever hear about failure when it's been redeemed by success. And maybe that'll happen eventually, but it doesn't seem likely right now, and anyway, the point isn't what's coming. The point is how it's felt to sit here for the last two years, trying to make something happen that just does not seem to want to go." Zan Romanoff

"I was sure that a coffee shop in my hometown would change my life. I would have more friends, more zines to read, more bands to listen to, and other cool things to get into. The coffee itself was a secondary, even tertiary, aspect of this desire." [Alicia Kennedy, Yes! Magazine]

"When I was a teenager, avoidance was not an option. Sometimes, I would just resolutely not do things, because I was physically unable to. But many, many other times I just had to do the things that made me feel anxious. I’m not advocating for this approach entirely: believe me, sometimes nothing good came of it. But sometimes, and this is the really important bit, I did what made me anxious – and good things happened. Interesting things. Exhilarating things. Hilarious things. Useful things, too: GCSEs, A-levels, getting a driving licence, a place at university. If I had been told from the age of 10 that I could get out of doing things that worried me, I would simply never have done anything at all." Treating anxiety as a permanent problem might just make people feel worse [Lucy Foulkes, The Guardian]

"They keep telling us to move on; to accept that Brexit is done. The problem is, Brexit isn’t done with us. It isn’t a single disabling event. It’s a degenerative disease." The next phase of Brexit will be bad for our diet, health and wealth [Jay Rayner, The Guardian]

"I cannot overemphasize how little there was to do before we all had smartphones. A barren expanse of empty time would stretch out before you: waiting for the bus, or for someone to come home, or for the next scheduled event to start. Someone might be late or take longer than expected, but no notice of such delay would arrive, so you’d stare out the window, hoping to see some sign of activity down the block. You’d pace, or sulk, or stew." What Did People Do Before Smartphones? [Ian Bogost, The Atlantic]

"As flawed as the idea of “selling out” was, it captured one incontrovertible truth: only a fool would write a song to make money. You write a song to surprise yourself, to give other people what they never knew they wanted. Perhaps what is missing from popular culture in the 21st century is sufficient contempt for those who give us what we asked for already." On "selling out", a concept lost to history [Dan Brooks, The Guardian]

My first laptop [Rachael Maddux]

The last vestiges of roadside Americana [Sam O'Brien, Gastro Obscura]

The strange survival of Guinness World Records [Imogen West-Knights, The Guardian]

'Felt presence': Why we sometimes feel invisible others [Claudia Hammond, BBC Future]

"This mundane view of a perfect life elevates tedious activities to the status of aspirational living. Your best life will be accessed by taking “pretty pictures”, wearing matching pyjama sets, cooking dinner at home, working out at 5am, buying flowers, lighting candles, stretching." Beware the ‘beige-fluencers’ [Sarah Manavis, The Guardian]

"Most people don't spend a lot of time thinking about poetry. Right? They have a life to live, and they're not really that concerned with Allen Ginsberg's poems or anybody's poems, until their father dies, they go to a funeral, you lose a child, somebody breaks your heart, they don't love you anymore, and all of a sudden, you're desperate for making sense out of this life… 'Has anybody ever felt this bad before? How did they come out of this cloud?' Or the inverse…something great. You meet somebody and your heart explodes. You love them so much, you can't even see straight. You know, you're dizzy. 'Did anybody feel like this before? What is happening to me?' And that's when art's not a luxury, it's actually sustenance. We need it." - Ethan Hawke, via Nitch

[silasbug]

this was just supposed to be a quick little log on some recurring dream that's been haunting me since last week.

instead, i go through all of the fucking motions of burning down one of the closest friendships i ever had. it's long. it's negative. it's pathetic. but i need to get it out of my head, because my mind is a spiraling piece of... and i can't concentrate on anything else.

i'm not going to private it, because private things don't show up in my tags and i like to keep these things accessible for myself.

maybe someday i can look at this and finally be able to learn from it. have fun with it, future eden.

.

.

when i was a child (around the age of 9), i joined a chat website for kids and teenagers after someone sent me the link over another, really unsafe chat which was the website of a popular cold treat here in germany (kinder pingui, it's been discontinued, thankfully, because it was full of creeps and groomers).

being so young, i ended up joining that website and.. it kind of became my life at the time. i had no proper friends in real life because moving around so often and being awkward and shy left me socially inept and relationships barren. from the age of 9 i would spend hours, every day, on this website, talking and making friends.

now, thankfully i never had any outright bad contact on this website. in fact, i had so many goddamn amazing and beautiful experiences on this website that i am absolutely flabbergasted every time i think back on it- because with the state of social media today it's just no longer possible. i am shocked that my experiences weren't worse, and i would count myself incredibly lucky to not have run into a bad crowd.

every couple of years or so, i remember it, and incidentally that website still exists, you can still log in on it, but it's absolutely barren. it died around.. 2011/12? really, it didn't last more than 2-3 years, but while it was up it was huge.

there are a few old souls from back in the day who are still friends and meet on it regularly (i still remember talking to them back in the day, i did catch them online a few years ago and said hi. it's an absolute relic from my past but something about it still just.. operating is so amazing to me. it's one of the few sites i was a part of that never got shut down and erased).

so when i log back onto it every once in a while, i like to go through my friend list and just.. check on their profiles. it seems some of them have a similar idea & they also log back on every few years (you can see on their profile when they last logged in).

the last time i logged on was.. i think last week. i don't know exactly what called me to it, i was probably thinking about the past again and everything i've done wrong, but i felt the urge so i went and checked.

i.. hm. i don't think about these people often, clearly, but when i do, it just hits me like a truck. there was one boy i was really close with ("clank") who up and disappeared one day, the last time he logged on was about 7 years ago, but i remember him very fondly.

there was a girl who i became penpals with when i was still very active on the site ("reni"), she had also logged back on a few years ago and sent me a lil message. it was bittersweet.

but.. the person who was the most important to me was a girl named "dinka". shortly after my mother had moved us to canada, we met on the site after i estranged myself from all the other friends i'd had on the website (depression finally kicked in hard, it had been brewing for a few years but suddenly the floodgates opened and i just.. felt like a burden, unwanted, pretended to have forgotten them.. it was stupid and dramatic, i was 10).

i remember the first thing i said to her. i was sitting along in one of the chatrooms, just lolligagging with myself. she joined the chat and i asked her if i could confess something to her.

god it was so stupid, but when she said "yeah sure" i just bumbled out "i love deidara" because i'd just developed this huge crush on the character from naruto. shockingly! she said "welcome to the club, i do too xD".

it was like we were meant to meet. i was so.. and we just.. it sealed the deal. we were best friends from that moment forth, nothing could separate us, timezones be damned (obviously she still lived in germany, it was a german chat site). i don't think i had ever made a friend that easily in life ever again. we talked about everything, and i mean. absolutely. everything.

i didn't have consistent access to a computer (only being able to use the ones at my mother's workplace), but once we got one.. i consistently would stay up past midnight. we couldn't stop talking. she was my rock, whatever i was going through.

we had this list of things we essentially had in common that we called our "Wilkommen Im Club (WIC)" (Welcome to the Club) list. we had over 50 entries, i'm sure. i would still have it if i didn't accidentally lose access to my old e-mail account.

we eventually moved over to msn, then skype, we would voice call sometimes. eventually my mother moved us across Canada again (Quebec to Alberta) and for quite a while after we'd moved, i had very little to no access to internet (only if i managed to go to the library since our circumstances were.. unfortunate, to say the least). we did exchange phone numbrs and managed to chat over that sometimes, when i was within cell-service (which was also difficult).

our contact lessened significantly, but our friendship didn't. it was one of the only "stable" relationships i was able to have outside of my mother, despite how instable it was, because the way we were living i had very little contact to other people, period. until writing this out i never really realized how.. isolated we were. i wasn't even in school for a good chunk because it was hard to find a place that would even allow me whilst our visa status was so uncertain.

once i finally got into a school, i was able to contact her more often again thanks to the computers that they made available to us. i still had no friends, hell i couldn't have made them even if i had tried in that school. it was a small school for "delinquents and drop-outs". not that i was one (i really wasn't), but it was, at the time, the only place i was allowed into, because they took pity on me.

i did.. virtually nothing at that school besides chat with people online (i had joined another forum during that time, to talk to people since dinka wasn't online during my school hours for.. obvious reasons, but we stayed in touch, as much as we could). i didn't even do my course work (it was "work on the modules of your grade by yourself at your own pace in a class of mixed grades"), i did absolutely nothing.

when i could, i would go to the library after school or during the summers to talk to her or to just escape from home (it was hard during the summers, i had to ride a shitty bike over gravel roads in the sweltering heat from out in the country into town. it was miles better than being at home).

i always forget how unpleasant those years were. but at least, when i managed to catch her online, we were able to talk.

god, i loved her so much.

but i fumbled it so bad. of course i did.

i don't believe i'm a particularly good person, or that i ever was. i loved her so much but i still couldn't help but.. screw it up. despite everything.

coming into my teenage years, my mental health continuing to worsen, not knowing how to deal with anything or cope. i just let it all go up in flames. i could've been a better person. she had the drive that i didn't, and i was so noncommittal it must've bothered her to no end.

i respected her a lot for.. just being, wanting to be. having the energy and the drive to explore her interests, do things, besides just. rotting away like i did.

i don't remember when it happened, i think it was before we moved to Alberta, but we.. got together.

while we were still doing our naruto fandom thing, i wrote shitty lil fanfictions with our OC's. she wrote poetry instead. the reason i'm getting into all of this, why i need to get it out of my head, is because it's been bothering me so much since, a few days ago, i remembered that i used to have an account on a german fanfiction site. i logged into it. i found one thing she had wrote back then. it was a little poem, about her "best friend" that she had sent me, where she talked about having fallen in love with them. she wrote it for me back then- i didn't realize at first until she basically outright asked me how i felt, that it was indeed about me.

it hurts to think about. i'd somehow managed to make this amazing person, my best friend, fall in love with me. i.. wasn't sure at the time, and i think i made the mistake, of telling her i felt the same and wanting to try it out. i loved her so much, i wanted to convince myself that it was romantic. i now know that it was just platonic, and i was so, so stupid.

we actually were.. together for a few years. while i finally got into a new school and somehow actually.. managed to make some new friends (a real life best friend, even, that i loved very much, just as much), we still stayed in touch.

but this is where things took a turn. i just.. lost myself. i'm not saying that to absolve myself of responsibility. but i just completely lost it. i mean, i always had. i burned so many friendships (online) down because i was so convinced everyone hated me, that nobody wanted me around.

hell, it must've been really fucking hard, painful even, to be my friend, or even just to try to be, because i couldn't be normal about it. i was always very all or nothing, and if it wasn't all then i would push everyone away. i was not a good person. but the key problem is, is that it was never like that with her. i never tried to push her away.

until i finally did.

i remember that day so clearly. it was during the summer. my mom had dropped me off at tim horton's that morning so that i wouldn't have to bike into town that day (i think that rusty piece of crap was broken, anyways), so that i didn't have to stay at the house. gave me a few dollars so i could actually get something proper to eat for once.

i always went to the library from close to finish. i was a permanent resident when i didn't have school. there wasn't a day those librarians didn't see me and hand me the computer access for that day.

late afternoon, she finally got on. we had been fighting for a bit at that point.. i mean.. not fighting, but i had been being very difficult for a while. always deflecting when she asked me what my plans were, what i wanted to do with my life. frankly, i had become really boring. i had no motivation to learn, develop interests. the things we were able to talk about dwindled.

that day she tried to talk to me about our future plans. i had said i would like to study psychology & she was insisting that i tell her more concretely my plans, how i would do that, where i would like to go, etc. she always wanted to make concrete plans, again she was very driven, and i respected that. but i couldn't provide her with that, i couldn´'t think of or even fathom planning for the future because i saw no future. i had no motivation, nothing. i just existed in my own little limbo that i had created of "get up, get online, go home, sleep, repeat". it was horrible.

(i'd be lying if i said it is.. that I am any different now.)

and i just broke. i was.. i guess.. always good at hiding the part of me that was, at the time, deeply suicidal and hopeless from her. i don't remember talking with her about my mental health in any capacity that wasn't joking, and i didn't know how to help myself or to even begin trying to make it any better. fuck, i was barely 15.

i told her i couldn't do it anymore. that she deserved better. that i was shit. and i broke her heart. or i tried to. while also breaking mine, because she was still the most important thing to me, even while we were fighting. i cried so bad in the middle of that fucking library i had to log off and go to the bathrooms to calm down because it was just so fucking embarrassing.

i ate a donut i had brought with me in that bathroom. it was pretty salty through the tears.

when i finally calmed down and got back online, we talked about it. we decided to.. keep trying. to make us or our friendship work. she refused to let me break it like i'd broken all my relationships before (deleting everything and disappearing, mostly. i was that kind of guy). which i was grateful for. but it wasn't for the best.

our relationship was never the same, and eventually it faded. we talked less, shared less. i got worse. life got worse.

eventually we moved back to germany, i'd told her about this, we still talked. we wanted to meet at some point when i was back. and when i finally got back i.. well. i did what i did best. i ghosted her. at that point i wanted to kill myself so bad and tried so hard to convince myself that i was finally going to do it that i iced everyone out so that i would "hurt them less" because "you can't hurt them if they hate you".

such melodramatic shit. it fucking pains me to say that it's still the first place my head goes to when i feel like shit. i still haven't changed from that even through therapy because it feels like a part of me that i just cannot fix.

because i still believe it.

well, she wrote me an email, asking me where i had gone? what was wrong? and i ignored it for a full fucking year. the damage that i had caused at that point was irrepairable. of course i knew that. i know that it isn't anyone's fault but my own. i felt like such a coward, i was such a shitty friend. she deserved so much better than i did to her.

i.. did write her again. a few years later, i sent her an e-mail. apologizing. not like i deserved forgiveness. there was another friend at the time who actually wrote me a letter. all the was from canada, she sent me a goddamn letter. as if i deserved it after just disappearing like i did. i could write an entire novel about how shit of a friend i was to her as well. we actually.. it's kind of funny but we follow each other on instagram to this day. every once in a while we'll ask the other how everything is going, because it's too hard to let go. we had such a toxic attachement to each other. that's the kind of relationship i seem to form the best.

the last time dinka and i talked was a few years ago after i finally replied. we chatted on discord one night. we wanted to talk again, but we never did. she never replied again, and i deserve that, or rather, i don't deserve anything else from her.

i am happy that she is healthy, she is happy, despite me. i don't know what kind of an impact i had on her life anyways, i can't find it in me to take any credit in shaping her because i don't think i deserve it (in a positive sense). i also don't want to discount it because i need to hold myself accountable. you know how it is. it's hard to put into words.

it's easy to say sorry, but i am so, so fucking sorry for what i've done to people in my life.

i always say that i don't want to be the pain that people feel, but i've hurt people so irrevocably. the people that i've never wanted to hurt are usually the people who tell me that.. they never understood how friends could hurt each other, or how one could hurt someone they claimed they loved so much, until they met me.

i try to move past that and be a better person. but it is so. fucking. hard. i know that i was a kid. a teenager. but i can't just excuse it because i can't absolve myself of that responsibility.

anyways... the reason i got into all of this, and why this is tagged as a dream log, is because when i logged in last week, i.. saw that she had been online recently. after years of not having been. after years of not talking and only rarely remembering.

since then, it has been appearing consistently in my dreams. her. the chat. the fallout. i need to get it out of my head. i needed to remember it all so that maybe.. i can move on from it. let it stop haunting me. it sounds and feels so childish, but i don't choose what tangoes around in my head and what doesn't, and it's been entirely debilitating when i remember again. i know that's probably pathetic. it happened so damn long ago. but i'm someone that's.. extremely haunted by their past. i let it define me. i know that that is so fucking dramatic. i hate it. but the sooner i can admit that to myself, maybe i can.. finally become better. i don't know.

last night, and a few nights before, i dreamed that i was on that damned website.

i dreamed that.. after all these years.. i saw her online again. i saw her online. i.. it felt so fucking surreal. because of course, it wasn't real, and it couldn't be real.

but i saw her. and.. when she saw me online, she visited my profile. she sent me a message. sent me a pin through my profile. (you would get notified for all of these), so i just.. had a bunch of notifications flashing up from her. interacting with me.

i looked at them, i was so anxious i felt sick. but she seemed.. open to talking to me. hell, she was hanging out in the chatrooms, as if beckoning me. i joined.. i said hello.. and then i woke up.

and i can't get it out of my head.

[janshu]

Inu!Bakugo...for @ultimate-astridwriting's Hybrid collab!

Summary: My part of the hybrid collab. I had so much fun writing an angry Pomeranian Bakugo. 10/10 would do again. I'm not completely happy with it but who ever is? I'm still proud of myself!

Word count: 2.2k.

Warnings: Fem!Reader, Bakugo being an ass, sexual content, somnophilia, collars, choking, humping, creampie, name calling (bitch, slut, whore etc.), use of the word cunt.

You sigh as you rummage around in your pocket to produce the key to your home. After a long day's work all you want to do is get some dinner, take a bath and go to bed but none of those things would be possible would they?

No, not after the spur of the moment decision to adopt a hybrid of all things. The week earlier was one of torrential downpours and near freezing temperatures, the roads making a slushy substance of half-melted ice and salt to prevent the very thing it was being mixed in with. People stayed indoors the best they could when they weren't at work but life had to shit on you and make your car breakdown in the parking garage. Umbrella rested on your shoulder, rain boots on your feet with your spare in your bag and you trudged through cold, mushy hell back home. The streets were barren as a Walmart on a weekday at 4am, no life passing by you until you crossed an alley between two businesses. A pathetic whimper had caught your attention and your gaze drifted down to a soaked cardboard box. What was in that box you weren't sure if you should curse or love. A hybrid.

Narrow red eyes stared at you in suspicion, fangs bared at you but the creature didn't make any attempts to nip at your fingers when they neared to ruffle the spikey head of hair. The hybrid had leaned into your touch before recoiling away as if you had smacked him. The black and orange collar had seen better days, the charm that dangled on the hollow of his neck read "Dynamite" but he didn't give any indication that was his name when you repeated it outloud. He was barely dressed in anything, a thin t-shirt, shorts with ragged Converse that had more holes than Swiss cheese. Truthfully he looked a few days away from starvation and how could you keep that on your conscience if you left him there? After laying your warm coat over his shoulders you somehow, someway, managed to get him back to your place. Everything went downhill from there in the blink of an eye.

The weak puppy persona was gone the moment warm food settled in his belly and within the hour he acted as if you had crowned him king of the house. Beginning his rambles of curses, demands and biting at your fingers. The worst of it happened when you tried to take his collar off for a new one, one that wasn't frayed and barely hanging on. "Katsuki" as he spat out his name with enough venom to put a Black Mamba to shame had flipped over a coffee table, ripped up every couch cushion and went so far to chew on the linoleum on the kitchen floor.

No doubt you'd be greeted with the same sight as always. Messy, dirty, unknown stains everywhere and dishes still in the sink waiting to be moved to the washer. Maybe if he wasn't such a loud ass you could train him but your frazzled nerves were at their wits end. You didn't know what to do, you were about to throw in the towel and put him up for adoption. Yep, you were disappointed to be proven right. Katsuki reclining on the couch lengthwise, remote in his hand with the most bored expression on his face while idly flipping through channels.

"Fucking finally, you're home! I've been waitin' for fucking hours for your ass to get back! I'm hungry, get your shitty ass in the kitchen and make dinner." He barked. Barely giving you any time to hang up your coat and slip off your shoes before his orders began.

"Katsuki...I can't, not tonight." Could your voice portray anymore pleading? Apparently not because he didn't seem to notice, or care.

The fluffy ear at the top of his head only flicked in response, the top lip curling into his signature snarl. "Then what the fuck are you good for? Get your fucking ass in that god damn kitchen and fucking make dinner already."

All that you were good for? All that you were good for? How dare he! He's been freeloading off you for a week now without so much as a thanks for saving him from the streets, feeding him, clothing him, keeping him warm and dealing with his bullshit and this is how he repays you?

"I've fucking had it with you!" Your voice rose higher than you meant to but at this point you didn't care, a line had been crossed. "You fucking sit there and ruin my shit and yet I'm the useless one? I have half a mind to kick you out! You can make your own fucking dinner, I've had it! I'm done! I can't take this anymore!"

Despite not having any clunky shoes on your feet still managed to resonate in the small living room while you stormed past the couch. You had expected anything, anything at all. A slap, a punch, a groan, literally anything but you were met with only silence and that somehow pissed out off even more. How could silence be so infuriating?! You didn't even notice the terror that washed over his face as you screamed at him or the way his chest heaved with the sob or how he trembled underneath your wrathful gaze as you walked away. The bedroom door slamming made short work of that.

"Fuck I'm such an ass.." You mused to yourself already regretting blowing up at him but what would an apology do that wasn't already broken? So better yet why not send yourself to bed without dinner as some kind of punishment? He'd linger at the doorway to the kitchen, staring at you with those intense eyes if you made dinner anyways so why let him win? He could his own shit for fucks sake!

After a quick shower to dethaw your bones and warm up what was left of your dead soul the softness of your pajamas helped ease the guilt gnawing away like a puppy on its first bone. Laying in bed until sleep eventually overcame you and when he knew it was safe to slip in and sneak over towards your bedside.

Rustling was what woke you. The rustling of clothes and the jingle of something metallic in the darkness of the bedroom. Whatever grogginess you normally suffered when waking up was vanishing the more details were dissected and understood by your half-asleep brain, a process that took an embarrassingly long time. Clothes rustling, the bedsheets moving, heavy pants and something incredibly warm nudging up against the sensitive skin of your inner thighs. Naturally your brain assumed the worst and your eyelids flew open to show nothing; at first. As your eyes adjusted to the pitch black room they found the blazing stare of those vermillion eyes, the bared fangs that belonged to your hybrid.

What the hell was Katsuki doing on top of you?

Noticing that you were awake the snarl turned into a smirk as he huffed, his large chest expanding with each desperate pant. Why did your folds feel so good just as you were waking up?

"Feel that?" How could you not? The feel of a scorching cock bumping up your folds and sensitive clit, wet from the pre leaking from the tip. There was so much of it from what you could feel, too sticky to be your own. His hips had yet to cease moving, no word from your shocked form to still his rutting hips.

"W-what the hell are you doing?" Was the most logical question your brain could come up with in the moment.

"Humping...fucking dumbass." His warm breath created goosebumps on your cool skin, his head must've been so close to yours by the hair tickling your forehead. "Tryin'ta...help ya. Shitty woman.."

"Help? How the fuck is this helping?"

"You've been working so hard so I thought maybe...a good fuck would calm ya down, relax ya." Katsuki's voice was so desperate, so needy, the humping of his cock on your labia increasing.

He was trying to help? He was going to fuck the frustration out of you? Is that was he was offering? Having sex with a hybrid was common enough to not be considered taboo but you couldn't help but feel he was trying to worm his way into your good graces. Unless your words had struck some kind of cord with him. "Okay, alright, I'll let you help."

"Fuck yeah!"

With that the head of his cock nudged against your cunt, already spread and waiting for him. How long had he been doing this for? The burn of the stretch was delicious, he was just big enough to fill you up but not hurt. Settling right up to kiss the tip of your cervix when he bottomed out. His hands grip at your thigh and hip, pulling his back to slam his cock right back into you. Over and over, over and over, over and over. Practically using you as a fleshlight to get himself off but damn if it didn't feel good, him bouncing you on his cock so roughly each thrust was sending the headboard against the wall.

"Oh fuck...oh fuck, Katsuki!" Your hands pat around and eventually find his biceps and you cling on for dear life, your nails digging crescent shaped markings into his skin.

"Yeah, yeah...you like this form of stress relief, don'tcha you dirty slut?" Undoing the collar around his neck the frayed cloth of the strap is tied around your neck, the buckle clamping down tightly to constrict your airflow while two fingers slip under it to pull and tug. "You're my dirty fucking slut! Mine...mine...mine...mine, fucking mine!"

Your fingers trailed down the tiny amount of space between your bodies down to the precious, neglected nub between your legs. Barely able to wiggle your index and middle finger down there from the rabid fucking you were receiving to circle the bundle of nerves and send yourself over the edge. Each clap of your thighs smacking against each other forcing your hate for his behavior ebbing away. If he was going to act like this all the time how could you kick him out?

"F-fuck! Gonna cum...fucking cum..cum for me. Cum with me!" Katsuki snarled as the pressure around your throat increased. Your hand was smacked away from your clit and was replaced with the large pad of his thumb, frantic circles sending your body into a writhing mess of flails and kicks.

The orgasm that had been steadily building from your ministrations had been ripped away and replaced with one quickly approaching to push you over the edge. The white hot pleasure-coil that formed underneath your belly button snapped and all of it coursed through your system in one go. Paralyzing your body for a split second as you squirted all over the hybrids cock, his still rubbing hand sending the liquid everywhere. Coating his thighs, your thighs and the bed underneath you.

"Fucking fuck! Such a whore, such a dirty girl for me! Oh my fucking g-god!" One last slam of his hips and his own body stilled, burying his cock deep inside your cunt to shoot his cum deep in your womb. He stuttered before his body collapsed on top of you, suffocating you in his sweaty muscles.

Bathing in the afterglow, coming down from your high you could've sworn you heard something. Mumbling, soft mumbling too indistinct to understand. Katsuki's head laying on your shoulder, his nose brushing along your collarbone and was he laying kisses here and there? No, you must've been seeing things. Still buried to the hilt he turned his head to speak, his fluffy ears perked and his tail gently swishing behind him. The sudden light from your phone illuminated the room, casting light on Katsuki's face and the sight made your breath hitch in your throat. Clearly he had been crying. Tear stains streaked down his cheeks, brows knitted together and the same lost look he had plastered on his face appeared again.

"Please, please don't kick me out. I'll do anything, please...please don't abandon me. Not again." His arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer as he hid his face in your neck. Voice breaking, shoulders trembling, the verge of crying all over again quickly approaching.

Your heart broke and you returned the favor by hugging him around the shoulders, a hand carding through his hair to soothe him. Had he been abandoned? Did his previous owners not like him? Was all his aggressiveness some kind of defense mechanism? Was he giving you a reason to kick him out to keep himself from experiencing that kind of pain again? Oh, poor baby. "Never again...just don't destroy things anymore, okay? Help me around the place a little more will ya?"

"Yes." Katsuki snuggled on top of you. Finally believing he had a real home with you, a place where he could belong. "....Master."

[shi-daisy]

Pillowtalk

Day 4 is for fluff! Today on the agenda fluffy bfs from the aligned continuity! You guys made those my most popular posts of 2021 so here's more fluff to thank you. Hope you like!

Wavewave Week- Day 4 Understanding (TFP/RiD) Set after the events of 'Unexpected Outcome' and 'First Anniversary'

It was always the same nightmare. A barren mirror wasteland where he could see and hear everything that happened on the real world but he could not intervine. He was there for the battles and defeats suffered after his imprisonment. He was there when their former leader fell and he was there as the few survivors escaped. After that he could do nothing else but sleep and wait. Without Megatron, without the cause, he had nothing left to live for.

Soundwave awoke with a gasp. The nightmare always ended when he escaped the Shadowzone but the events afterward were not pleasant either. Having to run and plot to bring back a long lost friend that turned his back on him was exhausting, in the end he failed and would've been taken captive if he hadn't managed to escape and find refuge here with Shockwave.

The purple mech was recharging by his side. He always looked peaceful as he slept. Soundwave gently touched his faceplate, but that was enough to wake him.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's fine. I was having bad dreams. I take it you were as well."

He nodded, gently cuddling up to his sparkmate. Shockwave allowed it seeking comfort as well.

"The Shadowzone again?"

"Yes. Then the Autobots and the betrayal...."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You didn't fail us."

"Soundwave..."

"I shouldn't be so enraged! I have a great life here with you and Lazerbeak, yet whenever I think that he dragged us here to fight for what's right only to bail on us afterward...There was once a time I considered him my best friend, now if we ever see him again I will end him!"

"I understand. I also feel somewhat used. Being stuck on a wrecked Cybertron was lonely. Though I like working alone and being given space the silence of a deserted broken planet is enough to drive one mad. Then I was able to join you all, only for my plans to fail and for him to leave us for dead. I've lost all faith or goodwill I might've had towards him since...Still I somewhat understand."

That was surprising. Shockwave noticed the confused emoji upon Soundwave's faceplate and proceeded to explain.

"We were trying to fight for a better world. But I think at some point we should've excepted defeat was inevitable. Our numbers were low, our soldiers didn't get along, Breakdown and Dreadwing died, Arachnid was only there for self gain before you had to take her out, Knockout defected....What could we do? It was a doomed endeavor. So I think Megatron decided enough was enough and he wanted some peace and quiet. That is why I left too. I was done.

I'm glad I did though, because then you came to me and I was no longer alone. I have all the time in the world to further my studies and to spend all my remaining days by your side. If I had to chose between this or keeping the fight going with no end in sight, I'd always chose you."

He wasn't often a mech of sentimentality, but whenever Shockwave poured out the charm he was a natural. Soundwave gently placed their faceplates together as if he was giving him a human styled kiss.

"I'd always chose you too. This defeat hurts beacuse I met many who fought for nothing, but at the very least I can honor them by being happy here with you. By actually living the life we should've always had if not for the corruption of our home planet.

I'm glad I'm out of that hell and here beside you, thanks Shockwave. I feel blessed to have an understanding and loving sparkmate by my side."

"Likewise to you. I love you."

"I love you too."

They cuddled closer as Soundwave pulled a blanket over them before slipping into recharge again. Rain could be heard tapping on the roof lulling him to sleep. Sound obligated as his consciousness began to fade.

The betrayal and defeat would always pain him but as long as he had Shockwave by his side he could endure it all.

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Punica granatum: Toji Fushiguro x Fem!Reader

synopsis: a short snippet of a story you all know and love.

wc: 1.6k

tw: none

masterlist

"Are you hungry?"

"No." You cast an angry glance at the monster who is holding you captive. "Leave me alone."

"Perhaps you're thirsty?"

"No." A protective covering of shrubs shields you away from the stench of oakmoss and belladonna emitting from the entity across from you. "Go away." His green eyes shift from your hunched-over figure to the stone-cold floor in front of him.

"I..." His words falter, but you look away from him, focusing on some point in the distance. The hulking god across from you stands suddenly, storming off in the face of your resistance as you call out,

"I'd rather die than live here with you."

But that wasn't all true. Death is so final, so permanent. And you could never bring yourself to do the unthinkable and commit yourself to such an act. However, you did not want your captor to feel any reassurance from your presence.

Discomfort.

You want him to avoid looking at you, avoid talking to you, avoid you completely. Maybe then he would let you go back home to your goddess mother and your life as a humble farmer to the eternal beings of this world.

Maybe then he'd see you were of no value to him among the various others he could have stolen that day.

But Toji Fushiguro is a patient god, you learn, and your hunger strike withers in the face of his persistence.

"You must be hungry," he murmurs, leaning over the couch you're perched on and looking at you curiously. "I have fruit if you want it. And it's fresh."

Fresh fruit. Your stomach grumbles furiously at the offering, but you mask your hunger with a look of disinterest.

"No, thank you." You place your book in front of your face again, the words blurring together as Toji moves around to sit next to you, his black sweatshirt pulled taut over his chest.

"Not even some juice, huh?" You don't reply, still pretending to read the book, when he finally sighs. "Well, I'm going to go to a meeting. I'll be back shortly but in the meantime, my... friend... will be watching over you. In case you try to escape." Again, you offer him no response, and Toji leaves you alone on the couch; the invisible "friend" no doubt just the cameras placed around the property.

You've scoped them out and know where you can hide should you need a place to do something secretive. Three blind spots. That's all you had to do what you had wanted to do for some time now.

You walk into the kitchen and pour yourself a glass of water before looking over the offerings in the fruit bowl. Bananas, oranges, apples... a pomegranate.

Perfect.

You pluck the ripe fruit from the bowl with ease and retrieve a metal spoon from a drawer. All the knifes had been replaced with notes like "thought you could use one of those, huh" and "not in my house". Little shithead.

You open the fruit and scrape the seeds from inside while you stand between the pantry and the laundry room, right in the blind spot of two cameras. You devour the fruit in record timing, then dispose of it as quickly as you can before downing the cup of water you poured earlier, placing it in the sink, and in full view of a camera.

"I knew you were hungry."

The voice behind you makes your skin crawl, and you turn to face Toji again, eyes wide.

"How did you--"

"Does it matter?" he wonders, taking his hands out of his sweatpants pockets and rubbing them together briefly. "Between the fruit and the books, you're easy to predict. You haven't considered I've planted everything here for you so you'll be more inclined to--"

"You tricked me."

"And?" Your stomach lurches, and you grip the sink edge behind you, vision blurring.

"What the hell have you done to me?" Toji gives you a toothy grin, approaching you slowly and placing both hands on either side of your body. His head dips, the scar on his lips separating as he speaks gently, deliberately.

"You consumed my property. You ate one of the many fruits I grow in the fields of my domain, little goddess. You're mine... at least until I say you're not." Your knees buckle slightly, but you still manage to keep yourself upright, clutching the sink for all it's worth. "Six sections of the pomegranate. Six months out of the year. That's what you owe me."

"Fucking asshole--"

"Careful, y/n," Toji touches your chin, but you snap your teeth at him with the little strength you have left. "It's a shame you didn't eat the orange. But I bet you wish you would've eaten the banana instead..."

His voice fades to black as you slump forward, your body giving out and no longer supporting you.

_____________________________________________________________

You awake in your bed, like most mornings, staring out at the barren landscape of your new home.

"There's no life here," you whisper to no one, eyes blinking slowly. "There's nothing here."

Toji takes his respite in his own room, choosing to remain away from you, especially because you cry. You cry every single day. And when you're not crying, you're laying somewhere, sniffling into your sleeves as you dig deeper into the despair and sorrow of your predicament.

The first time you cried, he didn't know what to do. Toji started with trying to get you to eat something - which was rebuffed with a nasty retort - and ended up watching you sob into your hands, unsure of what he could do to make it better.

"You could let me go," you huffed, but he recoiled, frowning at you as if you had just requested the world stop spinning.

"You ate the fruit," he said, crossing his arms over his chest and squinting his emerald eyes. "I'm sorry, but them's the rules."

"You're not sorry."

"No, I'm actually not."

And from that day on, you vowed to see less and less of him until finally, you remained in your room, huddled under the comforter and staring out of the window from dawn until dusk. You don't know how many days had passed like this, but it doesn't matter.

There would be a time when you would be allowed to go home.

You don't want to be here.

Or so you think.

_____________________________________________________________

The first day you're coaxed out of bed is entirely by accident.

A barking noise draws you out of your trance, and you almost fall out of bed at the sound of something other than another person in the house.

You throw open the door and rush toward the yipping, finding Toji sitting in the living room on all fours and staring down at the little white dog. The tiny thing is staring back at him with wide blue eyes, wholly focused.

"Speak."

The dog barks twice, then a treat is produced from Toji's hand and deposited in front of the canine. When Toji sees you staring from around the corner, brows furrowed, he offers you a look of recognition. The white dog walks up to Toji and licks his face, then sits and waits patiently.

"Throw hands," Toji commands the dog, and it backs up on its back legs, raising its front paws before jumping toward Toji. "I taught it a few tricks." You approach the two carefully, the dog facing you with a wide smile and a wagging tail.

"Hey, little buddy..." you whisper, picking it up carefully.

"His name is Six Eyes."

You and Six Eyes become fast friends, running around the house and terrorizing Toji on occasion. But the best days are spent with Six Eyes in your room, both of you laying out on the bed with a book or something to take your mind off of the punishment you must endure.

Toji rarely bothers you, and you the same. Unless, of course, Six Eyes needs to pee and he can't take him out due to "work", or you need Toji to get his dog food.

But in taking care of the little dog - who is much smarter than he would have anyone believe - you find a softness in Toji you hadn't seen before. Countless times, you find him and Six Eyes napping on the couch or playing "soccer" (which is just fetch with a tennis ball), or sitting together and watching some science fiction show. Your hatred of him doesn't quite wane, but you allow yourself to see him in a different light. One that isn't so bad.

_____________________________________________________________

"Tomorrow," Toji announces while you're sitting with Six Eyes and watching a telenovela. "You're going home tomorrow."

"Wait, really?" He notices the lift in your tone, the way you straighten up and your eyes regain the hint of the familiar glow they had before he stripped it away from you. In his heart, there is deep envy, a deep desire to know what it's like to be thought of as desirable. But he ignores that part of himself, stuffing it down as you hold Six Eyes in your arms and watch him carefully.

"Yeah," he answers, tossing the pieces of junk mail into the trash in the kitchen. "For six months."

"Can I take him with me?" You hold up the dog and the animal stares at him with that stupid "head empty, stomach full" look. Toji clicks his tongue against his teeth and turns away, shrugging.

"Whatever." You respond by placing a few kisses on the dog's head, returning back to the telenovela with a cheerfulness you can't quite contain. And Toji notices it, growing ever so distant with each hour that passes, until he's fully retreated into his room and sulking while reading the volume you had first picked up when you arrived, trying to find a deeper meaning within the words he had never read before.

[apixrl]

YOUR EREN.

eren jeager x fem!reader

WARNING(S): angst. slight manipulation. s4 spoilers. brief mentions of (but not actually) throwing up at the end.

word count: 5.9k

song: a soulmate who wasn't meant to be // jess benko

note(s): oh, that sound? it's just the sound of my tears whilst writing this oneshot. no biggie

The prison cells underneath headquarters were as dark and dreary as ever as you stood opposite them. Whilst the windows were generously large, the night sky was not so giving. Clouds were gloomy and blocked out the moon and stars, replacing it with a heavy downpour of rain. If you listened closely, you could pick up on the faint 'pitter patter' as droplets met the pebbled ground outside, the sound comforting compared to the echoing silence within the walls. Mattresses were placed in the corners of each cell, old and tattered after years of use by many different faces. You could only imagine their discomfort as you'd never been required to sleep on them, your record in the Scout Regiment practically a clean slate after your years of service. You were someone who took your position as a soldier seriously; respected your superiors and did as told when told.

As for Eren Jeager? It seemed in recent events he was past the point of caring.

Such a fact was blatant as you stared at him through the prison bars, your back pressed against the wall, body stiff and fearful of what would happen if you tried to step closer. Eren's gaze was terrifying to witness even from the odd angle you stared at him. His eyes locked on the ceiling as he lay flat on his back on the bed of his cell. His hair had been pulled back into a messy bun, some strands not long enough to reach so far back were fated to live a life of their own. They glued to his temples and forehead and even entwined with the strands pulled back. You couldn't decide if the look was flattering or not.

"I...," You blurted out without thought of what you planned to actually say, your pathetic attempt at making conversation followed up with a nervous whimper. Eren barely inched a muscle when you broke the quiet, from his eyes to his hands that lay lifeless at his side. He remained laid down as if you weren't even there. That made your heart weep in the worst of ways and your mind qualm - to think the last time you were together he was holding you in his arms as you gazed under the stars. And now he could barely spare you a second glance.

"It's been a while since you were last cooped up in one of these cells," You eventually tried again, calming yourself down as best you could by trying to be light-hearted. "Remember when we would play cards through the bars when I could visit? Those were fun times," You smiled sadly at the memories, eyes drifting away from Eren and towards nothing in particular. The smile then faded, the yearn to experience easier days once more hitting you as hard as stone. "If only we could experience them again,"

Your tone lowered, left unhinged since you knew mourning for what was no more was a waste of time. But you couldn't help yourself. All you wanted was to live in the past, where the titans were slane and the Scouts had reached the sea. All you wanted was to live out your days with your friends, talk and laugh with no need to worry about the rest of the world. All you wanted was to fall into Eren's embrace, to love him with all your might as he did you. There was a short period where that was your life, one filled with simplicity and peace after years of blood and death and gore that haunted your every nightmare. It had been pleasant, and you missed it. More than you were willing to admit.

If only Eren hadn't pushed things too far.

Eren's eyes shifted after a prolonged silence, travelling from the ceiling to you across the way. He was quick to take note of your vacancy, your conflict as you stared at him. How you created your own form of a jail cell by restricting yourself to the opposite side of the room. Maintaining a safe distance like you sensed you would get hurt stepping too far. Eren sighed loudly at that fact. Which caught your attention, E/C eyes flicking back to him at the sound. Eren pushed himself upright, eyes leaving you to stare at the floor before he hoisted himself off of the bed. Then, he turned to face you, searching for you through the wisps of his unkempt fringe.

You held your breath when he did, unable to fathom just how uncomfortable his gaze made you feel. Typically, Eren looking your way would send butterflies to your stomach. Your heart would perform somersaults and beat soundly with joy. Your cheeks would heat up, to which he would smile and tease and call it cute - merely deepening your flustered state like it was some fun game.

But this time, upon him meeting your gaze, nausea swiftly followed after. Rising concern over unconditional love based on his expression alone. It was empty. Unreadable. Nothing you had ever seen him display before. You had witnessed most if not all his worst moments up front but none of them - none of them, came close to just how desolately devoid he looked in that moment.

His lips didn't twitch, firmly held together as they added to his glaring aura. His brows arched sterner than Captain Levi's when you failed to clean a room up to standards, you didn't think it was possible for them to be so closely knit. But the worst part that made you truly sick to the stomach at the unfamiliarity of it all, were his eyes. Their usual bright and gleaming jade green blend that had entranced you from the instant you met Eren were now bleaker and more stationary than ever. They no longer held a zest and determination that motivated you to fight another day, no notable twinkle against the dimly lit room. Only a barren vacancy the most broken are succumbed to display.

You felt the need to comment on it, communicate to Eren just how worried you were. That you wanted to help him because you cared about him more than anyone else in the entire world. You were willing to lay your life down for him, and had even nearly become an anonymous number in the ranks because of that sheer will alone. However, before you had the chance to open your mouth, Eren beat you to it.

"Did Hange send you down here to try and sway me?" Eren asked half-rhetorically, taking a couple of steps forwards until the bars of his cell stopped him. "You of all people should know you can't stop me, so why even bother?"

You were taken back by his bluntness, even more so by his disregard for your previous words. Like you had never said them in the first place and he was the one initiating conversation. Perhaps it was so Eren felt he had the control, asserting dominance in a relationship where he already held more than half of it. His aim was unclear, but you persisted nonetheless.

"No, they didn't," You said. "I came here on my own accord, Eren," You shrugged your shoulders aimlessly. "I wanted to see you. I-I've missed you," Eren's eyes narrowed in suspicion, studying your frame for any sign indicating you were lying. He came out with no clear answer as from the instant you had set foot in the room you'd been shaking like a lamb bleating after its mother. Afraid. His arms crossed over his broad chest still in doubt, the action reminding you just how much he'd changed over the last few years. He was taller, looming over you even whilst feet apart. He was no doubt stronger, evident with or without the fact he held the power of three titans within him. Eren was no longer the vigorous and unruly boy he once was, who devoted his strength to rid the world of all the titans. He was now an indestructible force that vouched for freedom, his will to fight unshaken by no one.

"If you missed me so much," He started, looking down at you with what only felt like shame. "What took you so long to visit?" Raising a brow, you realised he held a point with his inquiry. If you proposed you missed him why hadn't you visited? The truth was you were scared of who you would find on the other side when you did. Levi and Hange had given you the option since the first day Eren was placed in his cell. But no matter the undying need to have Eren in your line of sights again, you failed to find the courage to make that final step.

"I wanted to, I-I really did," You said in a panic. "I was just scared! I didn't know what to say or how to speak to you after... after...,"

"After what?" Eren reprimanded, glowering at you as his hands wrapped around the iron bars. Your eyes widened and you whimpered, shaking your head frantically as a means to apologise.

"N-No Eren. I didn't mean it like that I just -," You swallowed thickly, your breathing quickening as Eren's pressing stare intimidated you more and more by the second. You hated how much you were falling apart. Where had your Eren gone?! Your Eren who always fretted over you during and after battles. Your Eren who grew antsy at Jean or Connie if they got a little too comfortable in your company. Your Eren who snuck into your room past curfew to share stories of his life late into the night. Your Eren who crammed his lips on yours when he couldn't hide his feelings any longer, confirming your relationship would turn from friendship to deepened love. You missed your Eren. You wanted your Eren back. Was that so much to ask?!

"You just what?" He spoke harshly, impatience riddled within every letter and syllable. You were quick to notice his grip on the bars tighten to the point you thought he'd snap them clean in two.

"I...," You trailed off, finishing your cut sentence with a defeated sigh. Your hands lowered to your sides as your head hung forwards. Perhaps being upfront with him was the only way you could go. "You killed people, Eren. Innocent people that hadn't done anything wrong! You ate somebody. Women, men and children crushed under debris like they were nothing. Y-You... you made Armin destroy that port and your decision making got Sasha killed!" You brought a hand to your forehead, not realising how distressed you sounded as you recalled that night. Tears started forming in your eyes, lip trembling. "Shit! I nearly... if Jean hadn't shot that Marley soldier first then I would've...,"

You had experienced a rocky start during the raid on Marley. One of your biggest flaws as a soldier was your will to take another life. Life as in... a human life. You despised the concept and did everything in your power to avoid it all costs, even if your fellow soldiers disagreed (especially Levi's, who persisted humans could be just as bad as titans when it came to killing). That exact flaw came forth when you first encountered a Marleyan soldier, and your hesitation almost ended with a bullet between your eyes. Had Jean not been behind you just in time... your grave would have been undoubtedly determined. There was a time where Eren was the same as you, never wanting to act and inflict harm on other humans. But times had changed since then. Oh, how you hated how much it had changed since then. None of it was fair.

A silence ensued, your stifled sobs the only thing willing to break it. Eren watched you motionlessly, the glare still apparent on his face as your emotions got the better of you. You hadn't realised just how shaken up you were from what happened. Sure, you had faced death many times, but always at the hand of titans. Where you had to evade giant swooshing limbs and teeth that could churn your flesh as cows do cud. Never had you looked another human in the eye and watched them contemplate killing you. To aim a gun directly your way and prep the shot as you realised what their intentions were. Then a feeble attempt to escape approaching death, all too distracted with your life flashing before your eyes for you to see the way out. That was one of the scariest moments of your life. You never wanted to endure it again. Never.

"Come here,"

You stiffened up, looking at Eren amidst dishevelled strands of H/C hair falling over your face. His glare had left and his face had returned to its neutral state, his eyes boring into you with his demand lingering in the air. You wiped your nose on your sleeve as well as your eyes, confused by the abrupt change in atmosphere. A truly weird circumstance and turn of events you weren't expecting indeed. At first, you weren't sure doing as Eren said was a smart idea, having heard Hange's experience with him during a debrief. You didn't believe Eren would treat you with the same sort of disrespect, but you also didn't want to take that risk just in case.

"B-But...,"

"Just do it," He roughly snapped, suspense in his tone kicking you up the hind to move. With a yelp, you pushed yourself off of the wall - back sighing out in bliss after starting to ache because of the uneven rocky surface. You gingerly stepped towards Eren, biting down on your lip to stop it trembling in fright. You came to a stop once close enough to the iron bars, hands going to wrap themselves around them, around the same ones as Eren. Whether you intended for that or it was just subconscious instinct you didn't know. Finally, your eyes dropped to the floor, lost on where to focus. Eren hummed a complacent sigh at your actions, head tilting to the side as he looked you up and down. You couldn't find an answer to what was running through his mind, blank gaze concealing all form of emotion and clarity. Then, just as you thought the silence couldn't grow any more powerful, Eren lifted his hand and reached out for you.

You gasped at the sudden contact, the feeling of Eren's hand cupping your face sending all sorts of sensations through you. His palm was warm despite the cool air of the prison cell. It was as though his hand was constructed to cradle your cheek, moulded into the perfect structure to which you filled in the empty spaces. His hand felt soft even after years of wear and tear of fighting and training, fingers long but not at all discomforting. You had forgotten just how pleasant the feel of Eren's thumb across your cheekbone was until he initiated the motion, almost a way to lure you in. And with your deprivation of his touch - of him. That was enough to have you wrapped around his finger.

"I forgot how nice it was to hold you like this," Eren declared monotonously, though his expression betrayed his lack of care. Something about it had calmed, but he didn't allow it to stay for long, gone so fast that if you blinked you would have missed it. You inhaled deeply, head tilting to the side as you nuzzled into his hand. Seeming satisfied with that, Eren proceeded. "That and just how easily you melt under my touch,"

"Eren," You uttered no louder than a whisper, eyes closing tight as you welcomed his touch. You despised how much he was correct, that you became putty without him even needing to try. That was the impact of love, after all, it makes people act in crazy ways and do some incredibly crazy things. But you couldn't ignore the odd funny feeling still pitting your gut, begging you to stop falling to Eren's will before it was too late. You couldn't get carried away, he had committed obscene criminal acts without jurisdiction. That was more than enough to get him locked up for life, regardless of the war you were fighting. You should be disgusted by his actions, his corrupted thinking and the way he went behind the Military's backs to further his own idea of freedom. You were disgusted.

But you also loved him. Way, way more than you were disgusted.

A frown merged onto your face, blending awkwardly with the once peaceful content that Eren noticed as fast as it appeared. He managed to figure out the thoughts running through your mind also, the young adult lamenting a sigh and he opened his mouth to speak. Not before his hand drifted down to your chin, tilting your head up to make you look at him. His thumb planted on your bottom lip as he grazed over it.

"I'm trying to build a future for Eldia, Y/N," Eren spoke firmly, your heart having a brief elation to the way he said your name. It had been far too long since you had heard him say it. "A future for us, where we can be free and live our lives the way we want to,"

"I know," You began, eyes opening to meet Eren's. "But there are other ways, Eren. More humane ways. We don't have to kill anymore if we just-,"

"There isn't another way," Eren interrupted, his ministrations of stroking your chin coming to an abrupt halt. "We've tried other ways and they haven't worked," Eren evaded your disheartened stare. "I'm sick of it not working,"

"We all are, Eren. Stop making out that you're the only victim here," You paid no mind to Eren's reaction. "We're all victims of this shitshow that's our reality, and we're all just as much the culprits of it as well! All w-we do is fight fire with fire and add more ashes to the pile with each person we slaughter," You felt your grip tighten on the bars, gritting your teeth harshly together. "I'm sick of all the violence and suffering! I just want to go back to the days when we could be at peace. Where we could laugh and joke because the main problem - the titans, were dealt with! I became a soldier to fight titans, not to embark on an endless war where both sides are human and neither is willing to cooperate with the other,"

"Those days are gone," Eren spoke sternly, though it softened up when he noticed you look away. "But they can return," He pressed his forehead against the iron bars, staring at you through deadened eyes. "We can live a life of freedom together once I finish what I started, all I need you to do is stay by my side and to have faith,"

Your eyes widened, gawking at Eren with complete and utter disbelief at his words. His persistence came off like the cruellest of sicknesses, corrupting Eren's mind to the point of insanity. His moral compass was in shambles as was his sense of humanity. The way his eyes were numbed right down to their pupils, blinded by his visions of a future for Eldia that came with the cost of the rest of the world's suffering. It pained you to witness such a change, to witness Eren's descent into madness as war took over his every thought and breath. Suddenly that foreign feeling in your stomach became clear as day, and you abhorred it with a deadly passion.

"I don't want to be free in a world built on other people's suffering," Your hands fell down to your sides, heartbeat racing as you avoided Eren's gaze. He quirked a brow, eyes piercing into you once he realised what you meant, and his chosen tone suggested he didn't like that one bit.

"What are you trying to say?"

You faltered, both as a mental brace and a state of refusal to your next actions. A second or so passed before you took a step back, creating a distance that did more damage than healing. With a shaky breath, you answered his question.

"I love you Eren, with everything I am. B-but I can't stand by your side if this is the path you're going to take," The tears were already brewing, doing everything you could to blink them away. "I won't sit by and watch the rest of the world crumble because of your selfish desires,"

You hated the words you were saying, how you said them and who you were saying them to. That it had all come to this, where Eren became the threat to humanity rather than its saviour. He only had so much time left and had you known that his way of spending it was to spiral the world into chaos - perhaps you wouldn't have grown so attached.

"I can't - I...," Since he hadn't said anything, you felt the urgency to speak. "Eren you have no idea how much I want to but this isn't how I saw our future -,"

"What future?" Eren persisted, not giving you a chance to reply. "Eldia has no future within the walls, these cages! It's time we give the world a taste of its own medicine, so what if a couple of lives are taken out on the way? It's not like they give a damn about ours," Eren scoffed when you shook your head, tears pricking at your eyes and the stinging sensation that came with it was painful to deal with.

"Please, Eren. Think about what you're saying," You pleaded and begged. But you knew it was no use, Eren too fixated on his 'destiny' to see logical reason. Merely the look in his eyes was proof enough to tell you that. "What happened to you? When did you become so heartless? Where's the Eren I knew all those years ago gone? Don't you miss it back then? When we weren't cheating death and we could simply be us? Be two dumb teens in love and the only thing that mattered was that love we shared? Do you even think about that anymore? About me? What about -,"

"Stop it," Eren stopped you, voice acting as a silencer to your blubbering drabble. Flinching at the interruption your mouth clamped shut, and your eyes darted for Eren in surprise. Despite locked behind bars, you were still terrified, and it felt more like you were the prisoner of the pair. With a low growl, Eren raised a clenched fist and thrashed it harshly against the bars. It made a low but loud 'thunk!' sound that hit your ears like impending doom, deafening all around you excluding that of Eren and the words he uttered next. "I'm sick of listening to you whine about shit that's not even important,"

"W-what?" You stammered in question, voice unsteady. "What do you mean it's not important?"

"Do you really think that amidst all of this I have time to be playing boyfriend?" Eren half-mocked. "I've got bigger priorities than you right now," He didn't look you in the eye, nostrils flared as his gaze lingered on the floor. Your legs nearly gave way at what you were hearing, each word a fatal stab to the stomach. Each stab even more malicious than the last. So that was it? You didn't matter anymore? Were you just some pawn in Eren's plan until he didn't feel he needed you anymore? Had his love ever been real or was it all a hoax to manipulate your every waking thought?

A minute passed of still silence, one of the many that evening. Your eyes never left Eren, searching for something to indicate he was joking. As well as contemplating pinching yourself in hopes you woke up from this horrible nightmare. Maybe you'd wake up in your Eren's arms, safe and secure as you lay beside him - his gentle breaths from deep sleep tickling the back of your neck and helping you forget the entire reason you woke up. But sadly, no such thing happened. You never woke up from anything but were instead left to face an Eren you barely knew anymore. Endure the pain as he pounded words into your head that gashed crueller than the worst of war wounds.

Realising this, you felt an urge to laugh, unsure what else there was you really could do. Crying was ineffective, and there was no way you could let Eren get the better of you. That's probably what he wanted anyway, for you to turn around and beg on your hands and knees. So as your hand met your face, you released the smallest of chuckles, lacking in humour but overwhelmed with an unforeseen emptiness. It definitely caught Eren by surprise, but he was fast to not hide it as he pressured that vacant stare onto you yet again.

"You insist your plan is the only way to get us our future, but I'm not even sure what future you mean anymore," You hesitated, trying to gain control of your lip which began to quiver erratically. "Clearly it's not the one we imagined together when we were younger,"

"If only you weren't so blinded by your emotions," Eren avoided your words, something you noticed and felt more agonised by than relieved. "Stop thinking with your feelings and see the logic, already. It's so annoying,"

Almost choking on the sob you tried to hold down, you bit down harshly on your lip - any harder and you probably would have drawn blood. You did everything you could to ignore Eren's words, but you were so hurt that you were losing the means to do so.

But you couldn't let his words consume you and manifest them into truth. You had to be strong, use whatever power you had left to regain your composure and come out the bigger person. Eren had always been a stubborn brat, Levi's nickname reigning true now more than ever.

"Use your head and think, Y/N," Eren spoke slowly, leaning his weight back onto one foot. He stretched his arm out towards you, held out for you to take. "Maybe if you stop caring for those that'll just kill you off for sport you'll actually comprehend why you're following the wrong cause,"

His words were suffocating and barbaric, not at all inspiring or persuading in the slightest. It didn't make you feel hopeful, it made you feel trapped. All you wanted was for it to stop. It wasn't love no matter how much you adored him. It wasn't healthy no matter the good memories you had shared. You had to stop the past messing with your head. You had to stop Eren messing with your head. You wanted to get out and escape. You needed to and as soon as possible. So, taking a moment to regain your composure, your hands raised to adjust the collar of your jacket and you looked over at Eren. An apologetic expression on your face for deciding to cut the visit short.

"I think I should... should go check on Armin and the others," You started, not sure what Eren would make of that. He appeared to show confusion, blinking once your words processed and frowning based on how sudden they were.

"Why would you need to do that?"

"They've been busy, and they're probably looking for me," You made up on the spot. "I didn't tell them I was coming to see you," Eren was silent, eyeing you up and down before he scoffed.

"You know I can tell you're lying, right?"

"W-Why would I lie?"

"For the same reason all people lie," Eren said. "To avoid what you're too scared to face," The way Eren spoke made everything feel much, much worse. A heavy amount of disrespect originated from this new flesh of conceit that Eren displayed on full. He had always been one to boast, but never in the form he showed in the present.

Listening to his slander any longer was something you simply couldn't handle. Not today, anyway. Fatigue was starting to claim control over your thought process, emotionally drained from talking to Eren. He had selfishly left you in a constant state of confusion and agony, making you ask yourself more questions than answering them. It utterly and totally sucked, being honest, and you had no clue where your relationship stood. Was it over? Were you still even together? Had he even seen you both as a couple this entire time or was it all just a big lie?

"So what were you trying to avoid when you spent all those months lying to us?" You were tempted to leave without another word said, but you knew you'd regret not asking your question. Which had popped into your head at the last moment as you pondered on Eren's words. Using them against you seemed to strike a nerve, as when you expected Eren to talk he did no such thing. Instead, he glared at you for being caught out, prompting your next words to follow. "I'll... I'll see you later, Eren,"

And with that, you started walking away.

You did everything in your power to not look back, focusing your gaze on the exit that was a little way ahead. Eren's stare etched itself into your back on the way out, leaving an even deeper wound than before which would probably scar for sure. Your footsteps dragged across the floor like you hauled twice your body weight behind you. Walking upstairs had never been such a demanding challenge before in your life. To think that you possessed the energy to traverse the walls but absolutely none to conquer thirteen mediocre steps.

You made it around ten steps up, just about to reach out for the door handle - when Eren's voice finally filled the room again. It brought your rushed exit to a halt with ease, much to your dismay, and what he had to say did nothing to help your situation.

"Who's to say I ever lied?"

Your heart both soared and sank at the same time, the conflict in your head skyrocketing as your thoughts drove you mad. What did Eren mean by that? Lie about what exactly? It was the way his words were always so devoid of clarity that hurt the most. The brunette was exceedingly blunt yet always left you inquiring more, prying further until it was too late. A mind game that pulled you in and kept you playing. You admittedly almost swayed.

But so close to the door, your hand wavering in the air just begging to open it - it was enough to prevent such a thing a happening. You knew if you headed back it would be the end, you would somehow get more hurt than you already had. It was a risky move you didn't want to place your bets on, you had come too far to be foolish.

So taking a deep breath you reached out for the handle and gripped it tight. You turned the knob and braced yourself to leave, blocking Eren from your mind as you lifted your foot to the eleventh step. Then the twelfth. Then the thirteenth, and finally onto the floor above the jail cells.

Closing that door behind you felt like the freshest of cleanses, your body sighing out in relief when it clicked shut.

Sadly though, you didn't have time to celebrate. The whole encounter surely caught up with you, as did the tears you had been saving for when you were finally alone. Just like they guaranteed, the hot, salty liquid singed the corners of your eyes and the tears returned. Before you could do anything, a cry broke out and you staggered until your back hit the door. The hinges jolted loudly, most likely attracting the attention of someone nearby. Whether it be a guard around the corner or one of your friends in search of your location. Maybe even Hange or Levi coming to check up on you. Whichever it was, they were in for a shock.

Your heart raced with anxiety, mind and body overwhelmed by inner turmoil that made you sick to your gut. The nausea was so bad you had to hold your stomach with your spare arm, fighting the urge to violently vomit all whilst controlling your reckless sobs that didn't cease their slander. Your vision went blurry from how much you broke down, unable to blink the tears away no matter your efforts.

Fearing the unknown had always been a part of who you were. But had somewhat simmered down as you grew older and developed mentally through being a soldier. However, all that progress reversed in an instant as your mind flashed back to the thought of Eren. How someone who used to possess so much passion now resorted to an empty vessel. The way he admitted to your insignificance with such little struggle, only to proceed to confuse you even more by implying he had never told a single lie. Was he even talking about you when he said that? Or something else completely unrelated?

A little bit of confirmation wouldn't hurt anybody.

It was odd to have Eren be the reason for your tears after so many years of him typically being the one to dry them off your face. Though thinking about it, he had been the leading cause for a lot of things as of late. The number a very concerning amount indeed. You barely even recognised him anymore. The once caring soul you fell in love with was no longer there, replaced with a man who had discovered the bittersweet lust for power based on a corrupted idealogy. Such a ruthless lust that it no longer mattered how that idealogy came to be, just as long as he managed to taste an essence of it.

You hated it. You hated that of all people it was Eren who tumbled down that drain. How did you allow yourself to fall in love with someone so possible of committing such atrocities? To worship him and give him everything you had, only to be told it was all for nothing and you were fighting a losing battle. You knew it was hopeless to hold on and believe that your Eren might return but at this rate that seemed unattainable. Not after witnessing him firsthand. The only thing left now was to move on and pray the world was on your side.

Part of you didn't want to move on though, so familiar with Eren as your crutch that a world without him sounded terrifying. You had grown so used to his presence in your life that all of this still felt so surreal no matter the fact you were very much living in it. Living in an endless hell that never allowed anyone a moment's peace. Not you. Not even Eren. Not a single human being on the planet. Nobody.

Just... where along the line had it all gone so painfully wrong?

[defying-gravityfalls]

Here we are, 10 years later

Hey folks. It's been a while. I really wanted to have something to post in time for the anniversary but I've gotten held up and was unable to make anything in time for the date. We are however on 618 today! So I'll take what I can get lol.

You may have noticed this account has been pretty barren the last couple years, and it's not hard to guess that is because I had moved on, I have fallen into other hyperfixations, and I'm also an adult now with more responsibilities than I had when I was running this account as a teenager. I almost have some sort of guilt from leaving this behind and even wonder if anyone still cares about what's on here, which is part of the reason I haven't posted much. But I'm feeling nostalgic and I want to talk about Gravity Falls and this is the perfect place to do it! So I thought I'd give you all an update on what I have going on and how I've circled back here.

Let me just start off by saying I'm sorry for falling through on a giveaway I had promised right before I had left this account, I still feel bad about it, I was at a real low point in life and should have never promised something I felt I could not follow through on. I didn't know what else to do except run away from it. But I'm better now, and to anyone who is still upset at me over this I encourage you to contact me for a free commission of your choice, because I'm actually serious about art now! (Seriously you have no idea how bad I feel about this I am so so sorry yall)

I have had one major hyperfixation since my GF one faded, and that would be Hatchetfield. I guess I'm just drawn to small towns where weird things happen! In the same way GF changed my life, Hatchetfield also has, I would not be where I am today without either of them. And if you also like Hatchetfield I have side account if you wanna check it out! This is definitely where I'm most active these days. I actually have a fic for it with a premise which many times has been compared to Bipper, and yes I do think that is an accurate callout lol

I've also gotten into The Owl House quite a bit lately, I wasn't too into it when it first started airing like I was with GF but once season 2 hit I started watching pretty regularly, and I'm sure many of you also watch it because of Dana. I'm definitely not as into it as I was with GF but I'm having a good time! A thing doesn't have to take over my life to be good lol.

On a personal note I have moved back to Minnesota! I'm currently a waitress trying to save up enough money for an apartment, I haven't finished college yet but now instead of animation/writing I'm hoping to get/finish my degree in theatre with a focus on costuming and SFX makeup. While I still love animation and could see it as something I would like to be a part of, theatre just seems more realistic to me at this point, and I like it and am already kinda good at it! I've always done theatre, this makes sense for me.

Back to why I came here. With all the hype recently leading up to the 10th anniversary I have been missing Gravity Falls, and I have been missing the community, and I want to get involved again. I don't think I ever truly left Gravity Falls behind, it stayed with me one way or the other, having this presence in my life I couldn't deny, and I think I want to come back home to it. My life has changed a lot the past 10 years, i wanna look back on something that made me so happy.

So I'm gonna try to be more active on this blog! I'm gonna start a long overdue rewatch on the series and maybe liveblog some parts of it. I think that's a good starting point. I'm happy to be back, and I hope I maybe still have friends here after being absent for a few years, and I'm willing to make new ones too. Thank you everybody, for everything. Stay weird.

[average-guy-reviews]

Don't Worry Darling

"In the 1950s, Alice and Jack live in the idealized community of Victory, an experimental company town that houses the men who work on a top-secret project. While the husbands toil away, the wives get to enjoy the beauty, luxury and debauchery of their seemingly perfect paradise. However, when cracks in her idyllic life begin to appear, exposing flashes of something sinister lurking below the surface, Alice can't help but question exactly what she's doing in Victory."

This film is the love child of Alfred Hitchcock and M. Night Shyamalan. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that as a bad thing at all. It's not better than either, but is a really good combination of both. It has mysteries and twists, moments of suspense and moments of passion. It drew me in directions and I followed, but then it went other ways. Did i see the ending coming? Yes....and no. Did it finish like I thought it would? Not exactly, but close enough for me to claim the win.

There are three main performances, Harry Styles as Jack, Florence Pugh as Alice and Chris Pine as Frank. Harry Styles is what he is. He's a handsome, talented guy. As a singer he is superb and i don't think you can really dispute that. As an actor he's okay. I can't fault, or praise, his performance. He isn't wooden and he doesn't really light the screen up as Jack.

Florence Pugh on the other hand, for me at least, is only getting better and better. This is the first film I've seen where she has a truly dramatic role to sink her teeth into. I've enjoyed most performances she's done, but this was top notch. She rides an emotional rollercoaster and is on point with all of it. I'm looking forward to a long, long, career for her with a good few awards along the way.

Chris Pine is Frank, the founder of their idyllic community. He's not in the film anywhere near as much as Florence and Harry but he impacts the scenes every time he appears. My one main take away, in relation to him, is that I now want a movie where he plays a full on psychopath. It's a film I would quite happily part with money for.

As for the look of the film? The 50s vibe of the community hit me hard. As a youngster it was one of my favourite periods, so seeing the cars and the clothes, and the style within the houses, was awesome. It looked great and the choices by the designers and the director were just... Chef's kiss. On wide shots though we see this beautiful little community surrounded by barren desert and mountains, and the difference is striking in it's suddeness. The desert is just gorgoeus. As settings go it's always one of my favourites.

Overall it's a decent film, in a great location, with performances that the actors should be more than happy with. I don't ever recall seeing a movie directed by Olivia Wilde before (though i may simply have not noticed), but if this is a taste of her style I've got to say I'm not disappointed.

Is it a masterpiece of cinema? No, it isn't but is it a truly awful movie that you shouldn't watch? Not at all. It's actually pretty good, and that was what I said walking out. I don't think I'll watch it again in the cinema but I will definitely watch it again. It's getting a solid 7/10, with a happy recommendation to go see it, at least once.

[getitinbusan]

The Music Room -

Min Yoongi 18+ Smut

Part of the Lost Boys Series

JIN • NAMJOON • YOONGI •

Warnings: 18+ smut, MF sex, MF oral, A playful bite, Swearing.

Words: 3075

Summary: A stand alone series about a misfit friend group of seven boys. These stories are a day in the life snip it of who they are, where they came from and how they love.

The melody drifting up the barren hall floated through the air like it was made for your ears alone.

The poetic rhythm of the keys made you pause, listening enviously at the talent of whomever was playing.

But who was playing? It was 8 am on a Friday, the room should be vacant. Pulling up the music rooms schedule on your phone, you weren't wrong. The first spot of the day was yours for the entire semester. 

You knocked lightly. The sound stopped and the bench made it's familiar dragging noise across the concrete floor. 

Pulling the heavy windowless wood open by it's cold handle you peeked inside. He scrambled, seemingly embarrassed, shoving his sheet music into his backpack. 

"You should be more careful with your notes, don't want to ruin any masterpieces." 

"No fear in that," he mumbled.  "They're just a bunch of scribbled ideas."

 Pulling the zipper shut he slung it over his shoulder.  "Sorry, I didn't know this was your time slot." 

"It's fine." you tried to smile at him but he kept his eyes down.

"Don't you have the schools app? I can check to see when you're supposed to be here." You tapped the widget,  "What's your name?"

"It's fine, I'm actually not on the schedule." 

"Oh, why not? You sounded great. If you missed the cutoff you can still be added to a wait list. People drop out all the time." 

He looked up and grinned. By God if he wasn't the most beautiful boy you'd ever seen.

"I don't belong here." 

"Don't say that. I was listening and you're really talented, you deserve to be here just as much as any of us." 

"I don't though." His eyes met yours and you were done for. "I don't go here, I'm not a student." 

"Ahh, I guess that's a problem." 

"I already said I'm sorry," he got defensive. "I'll just get out of your way."

He started towards the door.

You tugged his backpack. "So is breaking into schools and playing piano a weird hobby of yours?"

You tried to lighten the mood, "you've got a little Phantom of the Opera University edition kink?" 

He laughed. "I'm not technically breaking in, I do have a key fob." He held up the school ID. "It's my roommates. And if you want to know about my kinks you're gonna have to get to know me a little better." 

You stepped closer and took it from his hand.

"Park Jimin, Performing Arts." Handing it back you eyed him up and down. "So what's your story….."

"My name's Yoongi."

Pulling a chair out from the corner you sat and rummaged through your backpack until you pulled out your breakfast. 

"Listen Yoongi, I was just going to sit here. I need logged practice time for course credit." 

You peeled your clementine, "So if you want to stay and play, be my guest."

He looked at you unsure, "Why would you do that for me?" 

You smiled and shrugged. "I like your face." 

Turning red he plopped his knapsack back onto the floor and reclaimed the bench. 

You waited until his fingers were just about to land on the keys. "I do have one condition though." 

He froze, "Yeah, what's that?" 

"You have to take me for coffee later and tell me your story. Agree?" 

"I Agree. But you didn't have to give up your time for that, I was going to ask you out anyway." 

You probably wouldn't have given up your time but you were intrigued. Park Jimin was an amazing dancer. The curious boy who was here on scholarship was often the subject of conversation in the dining hall. Not only was he good looking but he was a mystery. He hung out with the strangest group of friends, seven misfit boys who were proud to not fit in. In this small University town they stood out as odd, everyone referred to them as The Lost Boys. Yoongi, now being revealed to you as one of them, seemed harmless enough and the opportunity to get to know a piece of them was too good to pass. 

Walking and talking up the worn concrete path you made your way through the bustle of pajama clad students trying to get to class. 

"Don't you have to be somewhere?" 

"Yeah, but I don't care. I'd rather get to know you." 

"You should go, I'm not so important that you should lose a day of school over me." 

"It's all bullshit anyway Yoongi, it's not going to get me anywhere." 

He stopped abruptly, now just outside the small coffee shop. "You sound like a spoiled brat." 

You were shocked, who the hell was he to speak to you like that? 

"I'd kill to be in your position and you don't even give a shit about just squandering it away." 

He pulled the door open and looked at you crossly. "Still want that coffee?" 

You stepped in front of him and shot him a dirty look. "I do. You owe me AND because I'm a brat I'm going to order the fanciest thing on the menu. TO GO!" 

He silently walked behind you, following to the counter while you placed your ostentatious order. You stood studying him while he asked for an iced Americano. His blond shaggy hair skimmed his chocolate eyes and his sexy lips seemed to  always sit in permanent pout. They looked like they'd be nice to kiss. 

"You want to stop staring at me and take your expensive drink. You're holding up the line." 

You blushed, knocked from your daydream admiration by his deep voice.

You huffed while pulling the chair out, making a show of your annoyance, situating yourself at the corner table.

"I thought you were getting it to go?" he barbed. 

"Why would I do that when I can be a pain in your ass a little bit longer? You promised to tell me your story, let's hear it?" 

His inhale was deep. Anxiety? Apprehension? A mix of both? His eyes stared at his coffee while his fingers fiddled with the straw. "I want to be a musician." 

"Well I figured that much." 

"Listen, if you really want to know can you just shut up? This isn't an easy thing for me to talk about, I don't just tell everyone." 

"If you don't want to tell me don't" 

He cut you off. "But I do want to, for some stupid reason."

"What reason?" 

He exhaled with a smirk. "I like your face." 

You smiled, "Then please continue." 

"I want to be a musician. I write music and lyrics and it's all I've ever wanted my entire life."

He took a sip of coffee. "My parents didn't approve of my choices so I decided to move out on my own and live my life how I wanted." 

You nodded in understanding. 

"I didn't take into consideration how hard exactly that would be, but I'm a proud man, and there's no going back." 

"So what do you do? You're not a student, do you work?"

"Yeah, I deliver food and groceries part time. It doesn't pay much but the basics are covered." 

You looked down at your shitty expensive coffee in guilt, maybe you were just a spoiled brat.

"So whenever I'm not working I try to get as much practice and writing in as I can. I use Jimin's fob to get into the music room and that's where I am most nights...all night." he shrugged in omission. 

"So no time for a girlfriend?" you felt silly the moment it left your lips. 

"I didn't think so." He looked up for the first time since the conversation started. "But," he smiled, "I think given the right person priorities could definitely be changed." 

Talking into the afternoon time flew away. Several less expensive coffees later he looked at his phone and frowned. "I've got to go to work." 

He stood up and gathered his things. "But I'd love it if we could see each other again." 

You stood to go too. "Next Friday 8am? I can let you in with my fob?" 

"That sounds really nice." His hand reached out and his fingers brushed across yours as he took the tray from you. "But I was hoping I wouldn't have to wait that long. We're having a party tonight at our place...will you come?" 

You sat on the edge of the sofa watching the group around you getting drunk and philosophical. Definitely nothing like a frat party, these guys were a different breed.

His roommates were all handsome in their own way and something about them just set you at ease. No pretensions, no apologies, they were just who they were having fun.

Finally seeing him walk through the door your heart raced when his eye caught yours.

"I'm sorry I'm late, they kept getting orders." 

"It's okay. Your roommate..." you pointed to Seokjin. "The one with the really broad shoulders, he kept me entertained with some pretty good jokes." 

He scrunched his nose, "really, really sorry." 

You pulled a bottle vodka out of your purse and raised your brows. "Are you ready for some fun." 

He grabbed your hand and pulled you up from the couch until you were close enough to hear without having to shout.

"I'd like to grab a shower. Do you want to wait in my room for me? I mean...if you're uncomfortable down here by yourself." 

It was a no brainer, the sexual tension and chemistry you'd had all day was like a current of electricity running between you.

"Lead the way." 

You looked around his room while he was showering. Sure the mattress was on the floor but the bed was made and his clothes were hung neatly in the closet. His dresser was stacked with notebooks that were overflowing with lyrics. Pieces of paper with doodles and random words loosely spilling from between the pages. 

Pictures, they must be family, small resemblances in their smiles and it looked like he had a brother. 

He had a shelf full of colognes. Picking up the Paco Rabanne he walked in as you were pulling the cap off to sniff it. 

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to be nosey, I just wanted to know what you smelled like." Idiot, of all the creepy things to say. 

He smiled, "It's alright, I'm not hiding anything." 

"No," your cheeks flushed when it finally registered that he was half naked in front of you. "I guess you really aren't." 

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just forgot to grab my clean clothes before I went in." He opened a drawer to pull out a shirt. 

"It doesn't," you blurted embarrassed. 

He pulled his hand away from the clothing and raised his brows quizzically, "So you don't want me to get dressed?" 

You walked towards him, he was gorgeous. Water droplets still clung to his muscular chest like he couldn't afford the time away from you to fully dry himself. 

"I think," you stammered, "That I'd actually prefer if you didn't."

You placed your hand on his bicep and waited for his response. 

It didn't come from words, it came from two soft warm lips attaching themselves to yours. 

"You're a good good kisser Min Yoongi. Is your mouth that good at everything?" 

"You mean like singing?" He teased your lips with his while he popped the button on your jeans. 

"No," you giggled. 

"Then you must mean biting?" His teeth lightly bit the flesh of your thigh as he kneeled to lower your pants and underwear. 

"Nope, that's not what I meant either." 

"Oh, I know, you must mean eating?" His warm tongue found your clit and gave it a little flick. "I think I'm pretty good at it." 

You ran your fingers through his hair while he looked up at you hungry. 

"Prove it," you moaned." 

Stepping out of your pants you leaned back against his dresser. Ass resting on the edge he opened your thighs, a low mumble of, "fuck" drifting out of his mouth before he dove in. 

His large hands held you open while his silky tongue explored every crevice of your sex sending your senses into a frenzy. Coming up for air every so often he'd moan at the loss of your taste before inhaling and going back in for more. He wasn't methodical, his mouth was unpredictable. One minute his tongue would be deep inside you and the next he'd have his lips around your clit sucking softly. 

"Come over here with me."

He led you to the bed, taking off your shirt before guiding you down. Your eyes ran over his body stopping at the bulge under the tightly wrapped terry cloth towel. The wetness in between your legs grew just thinking about getting to see it. 

He laid down beside you, holding your face and kissing you while you reached to undo his shroud.  

Smiling, he pulled your hand away, "I'm not done with you yet. Tell me what you want me to do to you." 

You had to rub your legs together for friction, he was driving you wild. "This morning, when I watched you playing?" 

He smiled like he knew.

"All I could think of was how sexy your..." He stopped your words by hooking two fingers  into your mouth and rubbing them against your tongue. 

"You were thinking about how good these would feel inside you?" He kissed your neck, "You really know what you want huh?" 

"Some people even say I'm spoiled."

"Do you always get your way?"

He plunged them inside of you changing your words of, "I hope so," into a long drawn out moan.  

Kissing his way down your neck and over your collar bones his mouth lingered on your breasts. Skimming his lips across your nipples he watched as they hardened into excited little buds. A small smile graced his face, he was clearly proud of how he was making your body react. 

His long piano fingers played skillfully inside of you while he latched onto your nipple and suckled. Your heart beat loudly like it was part of the parties soundtrack, the music  reverberating through the floor as he fingered you. The whole unfolding scene felt like a dream. Dizzy and intoxicated from lust and heavy breathing you didn't want to wake up to a reality other than this one.

A thud outside the door snapped you back, your thighs clamping shut on his hand as you pulled the covers up to hide yourself. 

"It's locked, nobody can get in, don't worry." He pulled the sheet back off of you to continue his work. 

"Are you sure they can't get in?"

A loud moan rang through the hall and the thuds against the wall gave away the truth. 

"I'm sure they have their own agenda." 

You flopped back trying to regain the moment while his fingers  stroked your walls. 

It was distracting at first, people fucking right outside his door. But a few minutes of listening to their pleasure, of hearing their moans and the pleas of harder, you were more turned on than ever. 

He watched you unravelling at the  pornographic sounds. "You wanna cum when they do?" 

"Please..please," you begged in time with the drag of his fingers. 

The sounds escalating on both sides of the wall seemed to add fuel to the fires of both immanent orgasms. Just as the stranger in the hall screamed her end, Yoongi pumped and sucked harder until you finished longer and louder than your unknown counterpart. He laughed as he pulled his fingers out of you, the strings of excitement cleaned off with a lurid suck of his own digits. 

Your head was still reeling when he pulled his towel off. His thick beautiful cock looked so hard and ripe as he reached in his drawer for a condom. 

"Can I put it on you?" You took it from his hand and ripped the package open. Holding it between your fingertips you got closer and ran your tongue around the head of his cock. The taste of pre cum on his freshly washed dick made you ready for more.

Giving him a few deep sucks and pumps you needed him now. He watched while you rolled the thin latex tightly over his twitching thickness and straddled him, wasting no time to begin bouncing on his cock. 

Your kisses were messy, hands entwined in his hair, your breasts grazing against his skin with every thrust while you rode him. "Fuck, you feel so good." 

His hands gripped your ass squeezing as he moaned underneath you. Orgasm building like a hurricane, the eye of the perfect storm became more imminent with every slide of your pleasure point against his soaked pubic trail.

"Make me cum Yoongi." 

He flipped you swiftly onto your back and his hips picked up the pace to the finish line. Thrusting in between your open thighs his cock drove you to convulsively cum, your cunt squeezing his own warm liquid into the condom between you. 

He lay with his arms around you in silence. Your head on his chest listening to his heart slowly make it's way back to a normal pace.

"I can't promise you anything more than who I am. I don't have anything to offer you but dreams that may or may not come true."

He stroked your hair as he spoke his truth. "I'm working hard, but I can't guarantee that I'll ever amount to anything more than a delivery boy." 

You sat up on your elbow and stared at the man you'd just fallen in love with. "I want to share all of my time with you Yoongi. In fact, I insist you take it. I've heard you play and I believe in you."

You waited until your lips were just about to land on his. "I do have one condition though." 

He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, "Yeah, what's that?" 

"You've got to promise you'll write me a song. Agree?" 

His fingers splayed caressing your back, he couldn't help the huge smile that took over his face when he kissed you. 

"I agree. But you didn't have to give up your time for that, I was going to do it anyway."

[nulltune]

plots please! I want to write more with you since forever but I can never decide on muse and plots egergewaheth

OHHHHH LULLYYY!!! I'M FEELING SO EPIC AND FLATTERED AND EMBARRASSED AND HAPPY HERE...... SGGKJSKFK DO U KNOW THAT'S LITERALLY ME @ U THO !!!!!!! PLS ngl for the longest time i've been so 😳😳 seeing ur blog (and i remember one of the first things i thought was how pretty your icons are!!) and goshdang do i wanna write with u and all of your muses!! i can 100% relate tho- i'm always the most indecisive ever when it comes to multis (cuz i love all dem wonderful muses!) and i have z e r o (0) ideas on how to start things up lately orz BUT!!! here are some thoughts i have 😳👉👈 for all ur muses! (minus tesla and shd because unfortunately wiki was a barren land 2 me and my mind started drawing a blank 🧎‍♂️) BUT AAAA I'M ALL EARS TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ABT THESE TOO! these are just my intial thoughts on seeing their profiles on your page + wiki (i'm a fraud of a fate blog tbh my mind is only full of hakuno-) but i would love to hear ur top three from these ones too mayhaps.....!!!! 😳 under the cut bc it's long as Heck-

meme, closed! @summoned-anima

sherlock: fate extra materials say that hakuno has some amazing detective skills (what with all the lil "quests" you do in game and all) so i think some situation that forces these two to cooperate on their wits would be real interesting! i just thought of these two working together on an escape room or sth and damn would i be willing to place my bets on these two being the first to finish it 👏👏✨ which also makes me think: they'd work pretty well as allies or comrades — which is pretty funny too, considering how the another ending ce is one of the best ce reccs to pair up with sherlock ☆ — but as friends.... 🤔 well what i'm saying is that!! i see that "little regards to emotions" on your sherlock's page and boy do i sense some interesting things coming for when that clashes with hakuno and her extremely emotionally-driven and relationship-oriented self! would they butt heads?? would they be an iconic brain-and-heart combo?? lots of possibilities tbh! and also!!! this one is kinda random but i hc my hakuno to be a pianist (the human she's based off is a pianist and the npc would naturally have those skills as well, but she's just not aware of it yet-) and i remember sherlock being able to play the violin so -vague hand gestures- idk sth abt it would be cute methinks..!! it'd be sweet if they could play together too 🥺

caenis: i see his line saying he hates the ocean and I VERY MUCH NEED TO SEE HIM AND HAKUNO GO TO THE OCEAN NOW THANK U VERY MUCH- on hakuno's side! she's spent all her life in a damn academy in a damn virtual world, so i'd just love to see her explore the world in general.. an ocean or just the sea is especially high on that list because se.ra.ph was like the digital sea you see-- and in the arenas, she'd always get a view from in the ocean rather than looking at it from above. it'd be a new experience for her!! and paired with caenis's hatred for the ocean, i feel like it'd be Intewesting 👀 i see caenis having a sweet tooth as well and as someone who loves candy, they can be a sweet tooth squad!! they also have the brutally honest aspect in common and i gotta say,, seeing the line he has for musashi, i'd love to see him potentially calling hakuno out for some of the stuff she does (prime example: hakuno being a very good-hearted and kind person but firmly believing she's bad because she's done some bad stuff) and idk much abt caenis, but a two-way street in character development would be -chef kiss- ! let them both help each other become better mayhaps 🤲🤲✨ ALSO.. i see caenis having a pair of animal ears and idk what type it is exactly (bunny ears??) but this must be said--!!! hakuno loves fluffy-wuffy things and would absolutely want 2 pet--

douman: hakuno's a huuuge history buff so she'd most definitely know about his history and all that, but i, da mun, am not <3 GDJDJSJ will be googling up his background and life story sooner or later but for the time being!! just speaking on the things i've witnessed on the dash from here to there- hakuno and her curious self would most certainly be curious about this clown alter ego that's apparently been causing a ruckus. NGL I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DOUMAN'S WHOLE DEAL IS- and yes i finished shimousa but gotdang is my goldfish memory a struggling binch-- but me thinking about hakuno and her pure innocent nature has got me very Hm 👀(TM). and i will be embawwassing now and admit that i couldn't find as much info abt douman as i liked so i went snooping thru ur posts a lil 🏃‍♂️ AND PLS HE'S H*RNY⁉️ DGJEHCJS my hakuno's a demisexual too so her encountering the very horny douman would probably be so 👁_👁... for her dgdjjehc but!!! fun and laughs aside i am-!!!! actually eye-ing this veeery intently because love and lust is a pretty dang interesting topic to delve into!! i think i saw a post of yours saying sex is his substitute for love and i raise my moon girl like simba-- who i can very much see bluntly speaking out her mind on that matter... trying to understand where he's comibg from but not hesitating to say her bit on how she thinks that's futile and that he'll never obtain happiness that way 😳

enkidu: these two....... THESE TWO........ 🥺😭. artificial beings!!!! learning to be more human together mayhaps-- honestly one of the biggest themes with my moon girl which i'd love 2 explore with everyone's favorite lancer here! and listennnn, it was heavily implied that a berserker enkidu is a servant hakuno could contract with based on compatibility alone (nasu may not have explicitly confirmed it but it is Canon in my heart ok 😤) and i think there's sooo many ways to play off of that (disclaimer tho! it'd be most definitely alright if enkidu doesn't remember her at all! that gives us some angst potential to play with too >:3 ^_T) hakuno remembering enkidu from their beserker form and then interacting with them as a lancer..... hakuno not remember them at first but slowly regaining her memories of them from se.ra.ph as she interacts with their lancer variants....... lots of ways 2 go about it! ANDD i feel like flowers are becoming a decently prominent thing with my hakuno and i do recall enkidu's valentine gift ces being flowers too so-- i dunno how or why but i want something flower inspired for them.....!!!!! OH AND AND since they both dress pretty plainly, it'd be cute if they could dress each other up! i'm also thinking about them doing each other's hair because there's this one super super adorable art of hakuno braiding their hair which i adore oh so very much 🥺

pepe: BEING 100% TRANSPARENT HERE-- I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED LB1 😳...... but!!!! this is a duo that honestly intrigues me So Much because i've heard a lot about how pepe and hakuno have A Lot in common (which- for my hakuno could be both a good thing and a bad thing.. my hakuno definitely has a very deep and unique sense of loneliness, so having someone so similar to her would be both comforting and frightening methinks...) case in point-- this post! (also- random but op's brain is so huge and i love reading their thoughts abt hakuno so much -chef kiss-). i feel like there can be sooo much potential for them to develop more as people thanks to their interactions, and i feel like they really could get along! i can honestly see a pretty damn wholesome friendship too tbh 🥺 and characters who seem so incredibly different on the surface but actually share a lot of deeper themes and things in common is a personal fav of mine okok!!! 😤👏💯💯✨ also a big fan of the concept of pepe and hakuno absolutely slaying and breaking gender roles ✊✊ (pepe being more feminine-like and hakuno being more of a tomboy herself). AND I AM DEEPLY SORRY IN ADVANCE BUT here's a random silly thought that i just have to say too-- i can imagine hakuno gifting them a plushie of pepe the frog... solely because they share a (nick)name..... VDDGFKEHDJ

elijah: CONSIDERING HOW MY HAKUNO IS VERY MUCH LIKE A PINOCCHIO THAT WANTS TO BE HUMAN-- this duo intrigues me very much yes yes 👀✨ hakuno doesn't have the best opinion of herself (putting this very very lightly-) and views herself as a sorry attempt of a living being really ^_T so i feel like she'd expect elijah to dislike or look down on her to an extent (which is honestly how she's been conditioned to feel like with anyone ngl but she's Especially feeling it after his "something you like" line heeheehoohoo!) — his own opinion of her is totes up 2 u tho! hakuno's journey is most definitely becoming more human from the blank slate she was once was and she's oh so very human at her core, so i'm real intrigued to know how elijah would feel and interact with all that!! speaking of... ELIJAH NOT BEING HUMANE IN HIS CORE IS SO INTERESTING TO MEEEE!!!!! also provides a pretty Intewesting contrast to hakuno too. i am a fool so i know thing abt elijah but 👀👀👀 am very much open to learning more via ic interactions! him telling hakuno his story perhaps...... (if they get closer ofc!!) and damn i am c h omping my hands rn bc if this moon girl manages to get to bond lvl 5 with him-- and even if not!! like with enkidu, i can def see her affirming his humanity and caring for him regardless!!

mycroft: I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SEND YOU AN ASK FOR HIM FROM MY OLD AS HECK INBOX CALL TBH-- but!!!! i want them to be teatime buddies !!!!!! it's just something that sounds real wholesome to me okay.. 🥺 AND LISTEN- it's perfect because even back in the moon cell, hakuno would always like to have cakes with the tea that sakura brewed... also-- like with caenis, sweet tooth squad!! i feel like they could get along on that aspect as well? OH BUT SAME WITH SHERLOCK i am very much 👀👀👀👀 because gotdang do i love thinking abt the dynamics of hakuno and a more rational muse..!!! hakuno's a bit (read: A Lot) of an overworker herself too, but she's of the mindset that it's fine if only she's the one bearing all the weight, so i can most definitely see her pesking approaching him quite frequentky to ask if there's any way she could help out or lessen his load. definitely encourages him to take better care of himself and rest!!!! a hypocrite ahaha- OH AND PLS KNOW THAT THE PROGRESSION OF HIS BOND LINES MAKE ME CRY AS WELLLL 😭😭 and i'm sorry but i just know hakuno is that brand of stubborn that just won't leave him alone!! (in a good way tho!!)