#like my guy. did you tell your therapist that things werent working for you? did you ask for a referral somewhere else?

[kng-fisher]

Still don’t understand why so many people talk about CBT therapy/techniques like they’re inherently evil rather than being tools. Not every tool works for everyone, and just because it didn’t work for you doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else.

[psykoz]

ok didnt want to The Taggerrrrrrr on that last post so ill just make a whole personal post abt system thing lol

so there was a point in our life in like high school when we actually were mostly out as a system to everyone we knew, including irl. it was not great but most people actually didnt know what DID was in fuckallnowhere, ky back then and as long as we were. VERY careful with wording people were mostly decent abt it. i mean it was backwoods ky so there was obviously ableism but also it was backwoods ky, so loyalty was loyalty and no one really abandoned me or let me get too fucked over for that (some people were cooler abt the system than the queerness ???) and tbh most of the school just avoided me for being a freak in so many other ways it probably was just like 'ok its just another thing who even cares at this point'

but anyway that completelyyyyyy flipped when split came out. fuck you guy who made split your movies are so dumb i watched that village one when we were like 11 bc our mom said it was so scary and the twist was so cool but i remember when that lady saw that car i was like thats the dumbest fucking possible ending but i still told my mom yea that was so cool mom. anyway his ass came back to haunt me and literally it was like a target on my back for the like 200 ppl in that building. INCLUDING the damn teachers. so we basically just pretended to most irls that we were just wrong and our therapist said it was smth else and went back into hiding except for online and at home.

but we were way more healthy when we werent hiding. we made a huge amount of progress with our communication and gained skills we are still able to utilize, some even daily. we're alright with communication but we feel so fucking stalled being unable to explain whats going on with us to the people around us, especially at work and with our work friends. we have a lot of people who need to be co to make work happen successfully but we arent able to tell anyone we work with about this and about us and let them communicate with the actual alters that theyre interacting with.

and honestly some of us got really used to making more friends and it feels like. burning almost not to be able to tell people who we are if we trust them and if some of us want to meet people formally. idk how to describe that one. just some of us have some really specific traits and interests and want so bad to be themselves and hang out with friends as themselves, but we all have to hide behind essentially our cis sona. we're going by the name of someone who hasnt even been here with us in years and years so none of us even really identify with it anymore. i mean we have someone with the same name but even she feels so detached from our legal name.

this got longer and more person than expected lol

[rvnjun]

healing smile | jaemin

genre: super power au!  warnings: mentions of violence and blood  a/n: ive finally finished this au that has been sitting in my drafts for nearly two whole fucking years

The Dream Team M.List

Jaemin, was born with his powers, both his parents had them

he always loved to help people so he did his best to smile a lot, so everyone would feel better

although his parents told him to stop, they scolded him for wanting to help others

for using his powers so “carelessly,”

and for awhile, he believed and listen to them

until his power therapist introduced him to a boy named Donghyuck

Donghyuck was like him, he wanted to use his powers for good, to help people

but unlike Jaemin, Donghyucks powers had the ability to cause some serious harm 

with Donghyuck, he meant his current group of best friends

a group of teenagers who may seem ordinary to others but who were all gifted with powers 

now to current time ~

It only started as a joke between your small little friend group, calling the schools heartthrob “Healing Smile Jaemin.”

you guys gave him that nickname after seeing his smile practically work powers on people

there was the time you felt incredibly sick, you spent the whole lunch practically crying in your friends arms

after casually glancing over at Jaemin while he laughed with his friends, you felt way better

all your pains and aches started to disappear and you felt 10 times better 

then there was the time a couple of guys got into a fight over some chick, they started to punch each other in the middle of the hallway 

while you and your friends leaned against the lockers and watched with amused expression, Jaemin casually walked up to them and smiled while telling them to calm down that they were being irresponsible 

withins seconds they were apologizing to each other and willingly following a teacher to the principal's office

the last thing that caused you and your friends to dub him “Healing Smile Jaemin,”  was when he made the teacher relax

you had calculus with Jaemin, the teacher was known for being the reincarnation of Satan 

however Jaemin always seemed to make him calm down and relax, no matter how pissed and angry he was, Jaemin made him smile 

“Its like he has powers or something,” your friend joked while you guys all stared at him at lunch 

“Well he is friends with Renjun and Haechan,” you said with a shrug of your shoulders

they all hummed in agreement “You’d think those with powers would stick together,” your other friend pointed out 

glancing back at your friend you nodded your head in agreement

her words stuck in your head and you couldn't get them out, she had a point and now you felt like you needed to know 

the next few days you watched Jaemin with curious eyes, taking note of everything he did and he all looked at him

knowing he worked in the school nursery you purposefully drank a nasty concoction to cause you stomach pain so you'd get sent there 

walking into the nurses office you gave her a small smile and sat in one of the chairs, waiting for assistance, begging that it would be Jaemin

as if luck was on your side Jaemin appeared before you, staring at you with curious eyes, almost like he was reading with you were feeling he smiled

instantly all the pain in your stomach went away, confirming your suspicions

on instinct your eyes widened and you gasped “you are like them,” you said what was on your mind out loud in disbelief 

Jaemins smile quickly went away and his brows furrowed in confusion

“what do you mean?” he asked pretending to be oblivious 

realizing what you had done, you didn't want to call him out just yet

nervously laughing and scratching the back of your neck you 

“like one of my friends, you remind me so much of him,” you lied while standing up 

“im missing too much class and I just don't know if being in the nurse office is worth it,” you added before quickly leaving the room

Jaemin stared at you before shaking his head

you definitely were on to him which made him pout

he knew that someone wasn’t as dumb as seemingly everyone in the school and would catch on but he didn't want it to be you

not everyone understood or accept the gifted and he wanted you to accept him

that day Jaemin left the office feeling defeated and disappointed

walking over to his best friends they all asked what was wrong and he safely confided in them with his worries

Haechan and Renjun swore that you werent the type to hate the gifted 

“I have Y/n in my bio class and they are super chill about my powers, they actually seem fascinated by them, always asking me questions and listening,” Renjun said making Jaemin feel better 

you watched them from afar, not being able to hear what they were saying at all but keeping your eyes on Jaemin

sighing you walked past them, making sure to smile at them and headed home

mind filled with thoughts of Jaemin and his powers

Jaemin watched as you leave, smiling at your figure and making at least 6 kids feel better in the process

glancing at his friends they encouraged him to go talk to you

despite his protests they pushed him in the direction he went

sighing he nodded and began to jog to try and catch up with you

you on the other hand, were so Jaemin focused that you didn't see the guy in front of you

shoulder bumping him you yelped and apologized 

“watch where you are going, bitch,” he yelled, pushing you back into the brick wall

you cried out in pain, not knowing what to say or do

“what you ain't gonna apologize?’ the guy scoffed and slammed his hands into your shoulder causing you to hit the wall once again but even harder

rolling his eyes he walked away as if he hadn't done anything

Jaemin eyes widened when he saw your figure against the wall, crying while holding your right shoulder

looking around he saw a guy walking away and immediately knew what happened

“Y/n!” he called out while running to you

glancing past your shoulder he saw a piece of metal sticking out of the wall, jabbed into your shoulder

blood stained your uniform and slowly trailed down your arm

“Look at me,” he instructed

you listened and stared into his eyes, a gut feeling telling you what was about to happen 

he smiled while staring intensely back

“Y/n i dont know how to say this but my friends encouraged me too. i like you, i noticed you awhile ago and as much as i tried i couldn't push those feeling out of my chest. yes, i am like them. i'm just like Haechan and Renjun. i have the ability to heal people with my smile and i can feel aura. in the nurse's office i felt your aura, it was full of curiosity and nerves. i wasn't so sure what to think then but now i know,” he couldn't finish his words

you leaned up, wound healed and pain all gone from Jameins smile

deep down you know it was because of his powers but you felt like his words were what healed you

leaning up you pressed a quick kiss to his lips

“i feel the same way. i used my excuse of being curious if you had powers or not to look at you or come into the nurses office but that wasn't the full reason,” your voice as quiet as you spoke

Jaemin smiled, brightly this time and hugged you

“let me take you out for some tea,” he grabbed your hand and lead you in the direction of an amazing cafe he knew

Renjun, Jeno, Haechan, Chenle, and Jisung watched the interaction form afar

“Haechan,,,” Jeno spoke

“Don't you think hiring a guy to push Y/n into a wall was a terrible idea that could have gone really bad?” Renjun finished

Haechan shook his head “Nope, it was a brilliant idea that worked out better than I thought. You guys are just jealous cause you didnt think of it.”

The clouds in the sky cleared a bit thanks to Haechans “brilliance”

[chezforshire]

AU where marceline is the school's local harana for hire she writes quick songs for anyone who wants to have a song sung for anyone for whatever reason they want

It's usually a lot of love songs (she's gotten tired of this really fast) but sometimes she gets requests for songs for friends

Anyway, Lady and Jake help her out with this business by making bouquets and playing along with her respectively. And Bon is usually just someone she bounces ideas with cause Marce may know so many people, but there's still a number of rich prissy losers that Bon knows and that's usually her clients. Also, Bon loves getting to stretch her writing skills.

(Though she's also pretty tired of love songs)

Marce gets a commission one day to make a song for Bon and she just kinda. Stares at it. Her clients aren't anonymous. Well, not usually. A lot of her songs are made from shared memories and the small percent made from flowery words are usually douchelords who are too confident about their place to think they'd need anonymity in case of rejection.

So when she sees that this one didn't have a name she was a little... confused. There was also the fact that Bon is notorious for saying no to everyone who tries to ask her out. And not in a way where friends tell friends this, but more of she said no to a guy who payed the whole school to get in on his grand plan to ask her out

(Even Marce tho it wasn't for a song. It was more of he asked her to drive Bon to school at a specific time. She obviously told Bon this but they didn't have a lot of time to talk about it bc the guy texted everyone their roles literally on midnight and wired the cash after sending the message.

A little worrying how he not only got everyone's number but also everyone's bank account. She and most of her friends changed phones then bc that was creepy as all hell)

She doesn't tell Bon. Not because of some customer confidentiality or whatever but because... Well she doesn't really know. It just made her irrationally irritated and sad. Odd.

She takes far longer than usual to reply to this. She doesn't understand the hesitation. Or maybe she does? Bon has called her a bleeding heart a million times and she guesses thats the reason. She feels bad for them and doesn't want to watch another person who put in effort be rejected. Yeah that's it. She should tell him that. Maybe they were new or something. It'll be fine, plus they didn't want a full song so they werent paying much. Yeah, that sounds like a game plan.

The next day she says yes and wonders all day why she did that

For about a month she keeps this commission to herself. She spaces out more than usual during this time. Not quite disassociating, just staring into space and thinking.

Bon isn't worried bc this is usually how she gets when she's got a song in the works. She needles her about what it is and who it's for, but she generally deflects and at some point just straight up lies and says some random names.

She also learns more about her client. They're not new, they've actually known Bon for about 3 to 5 years. They're pretty close apparently and actually knows Marce personally. Theyve talked several times and have hung out here and there too. (That sure didn't make her anxiety and paranoia skyrocket)

She feels a lot of anxiety and worry and trepidation and god other irrational shit about this commission. She doesn't really tell anyone (something her therapist, or Bon more importanly Bon, would frown at) so she's just left to wallow about it on her own. She tries working on it as much as she can but it just feels... wrong somehow. She doesn't really get it but she feels like she'll lose something because of this. She doesn't get it. She knows they'll be rejected and they'll all laugh at it in the end and just.

What is it. What's wrong.

She feels a tap on her shoulder and she almost falls off her bed. Jake's apparently been trying to talk to her for a solid minute and oh jeez now he's got that Worried Big Brother look.

He peers at her and asks what's wrong and not-so-subtly threatens that he'll stay and use his Big Brother mode on her if she tries to lie to him

She just sighs heavily and curls up

"Someone commissioned a suicide mission"

Jake makes an 'o' with his mouth. Theyve always called anyone who tried to flirt with Bon a suicide mission and laughed pretty hard at it. Even Bon calls the poors souls who try suicide missions.

She uncurls a bit and faces Jake with a small smile, ready to laugh with him about it as she should. But for some reason Jake just... Looks at her with this worried look. Not his patented Im-Worried-For-You-Little-Sibling but more of one would give to a friend when they know something they don't.

Marce laughs, shakey and unsure. "What? S'not like this doesn't happen. It's Bon, ya know? The sweatheart of the school." With a mean streak that rivals the devil, she adds quietly- fondly- in her head.

Jake just nods slowly. He drags his eyes away from her and stares at her wall, eyes unfocused.

Marce starts having a bit of a panic because what is that face, why is Jake acting like this, is there somethin on her wall, wait does he know the client, is he friends with the client, is he the client, w-

Jake flops his short, chunky body on her bed and pulls her to lay down too. Roughly, might she add. And not to mention absolutely unexpected.

He's smiling again, big and all teeth. It twitches for a second when he makes eye contact but bounces back so quick she thinks she might have imagined it.

"Ha! You're gonna write for a suicide mission this is hilarious!" He makes a move to ruffle her hair and she just starts flailing to avoid this. "Man! I haven't seen one in a while so this'll be fun at least. Something else to keep us busy other than those stupid douchefucks who thinks a song is a sure fire way to get laid."

Marce is confused but doesn't question this sudden change. Plus it actually helps? She snickers -because no, she doesnt giggle she is cooler than that- at the thought of watching the client be rejected before Marce can even pull out her guitar.

"Yeah, threw me off like hell cause Bon is practically legendary but hey apparently there are still some brave souls out there."

"Oh dude, I've got a great ass idea," Jake sits up and leans on his elbows, "Let's keep this a secret from princess. Oh and Lady cause you know she cant keep anything from her."

Marce kinda laughs at this in confusion. "Uh what? Why? If you haven't noticed my services include a bouquet and unless you've learned flower language I dont think we can take Lady outta the equation."

He snorts "I may not know flowers, but I know my girlfriend. I can just be vague and she'll take it as a challenge and try to make the perfect bouquet. S'no problem on that front.

"I figured we could keep it a secret so we can see Bon's pure and raw reaction. Like I said, there hasn't been a suicide mission in a looooong while so she probably doesn't expect this. And it'll be way more funny cause someone commissioned you for it. Where it is no secret that a) you do this and b) you get help from the three of us."

"You got a point there detective. Bur fair warning, Bon will be giving us the stink eye for days if we do this. Especially me because she's my thesaurus and metaphor maker. You know how she loves taking credit for making them sound like a stupid romance novel."

"Psh, she loves you to hell and back. She'll just pout at you for a while and when you buy her her favourite candy it'll be right as rain."

Okay, that sounded valid but at the same time Marceline kind of shut down after Jake said Bon loves her so uh she guesses she'll just trust that it'll be fine?

" 'nother idea," Jake says softly. He's looking at he- actually. No he's not looking at her, hes just looking her way but his eyes are just. Not there.

"Uh, shoot"

"Make this song the best you've ever made."

Marceline laughs for a second before she realizes okay wait Jake is serious about that. What. Why the fuck would she do that.

He shrugs and smiles again. Soft and pitying -what why why is Jake acting like this what the fuck- and he gestures around a bit before speaking.

"Well, first off it'll be good practice for you. You've been workin with Bon for about as log as you've been doing this so think of this as a test to see how you are now on your own.

"Second, well ya gotta admit if you pull out a banger and Bon actually likes it it'll be way funnier cause you can sing it and she'll look all annoyed but you can see that her tapping her foot and bobbing her head. It'll be funny for everyone involved.

"And lastly," Jake takes a deep breath before speaking, as if this is one of the toughest things he's done in a while. "Call it a father's intuition."

She stares at him. She- she doesn't know hwo to react to that.

After a second, Jake cracks a soft smile and "Did you get Lady pregnant, you fucking askal" just slips out of her mouth.

Jake laughs loud and boisterous at this and Marce just follows.

Yeah, she might as well make this the best one she's ever made. The client won't get the girl, but at least she can make her like it

[rainbowglittr]

Love and Marriage - Chapter 16 (Mature, Minors DNI)

Description:

After a loss in the family uncovers a family secret, Jaleia and her husband Jesse are forced to balance one family crisis after another along with their budding careers and their plans to expand their family. Will the pressure to keep everyone else together ruin their own relationship? Can ruined relationships be fixed before it’s too late?

Chapter 16:

I opened my eyes. Rolling over in the bed, I stretched my arm out feeling for Jesse. I didn't feel him so I sat up. I heard grunts coming from his side of the bed, crawling over I saw him on the floor next to the bed in the middle of a plank with his headphones on. I watched for a while, the way his shoulder blades contracted, his back muscles flexing, the sweat starting to drip. Once he was done with his set he started to get up but as soon as he made eye contact with me, he jumped and yelled, "FUCK."

I laughed until tears started rolling down my face. He stood there with an unimpressed look on his face.

"Damn Jay, I didn't know you were awake."

He said, he turned around to grab a towel and start wiping off the sweat that was making his body glisten.

"I wasn't for long. Jessekins?" He rolled his eyes at the sound of the name.

"Yes, Lovebug." he sang. I scoffed at the petname.

"What's going on for today?" I asked as he grabbed some weights from the corner of the room.

"Today, Di is officially moving out, but I have a gig at a bar a couple of towns over, if you want to come, and we have to see my mom in her new house." He said all while doing arm curls.

"Of course I want to come! I couldn't make it to your first one."

"Aight, bet. Di is coming so she can record. I promised her."

"You're bringing your underage sister to a bar?"

"It's not a bar, it has one but she won't be over there."

"Whatever. I guess you didn't tell your mom?" I said.

"Hell no, she would kill me."

"This Thursday is when we get to hear our baby's heartbeat. This is the appointment, Jess!" I said. I had just dismissed the reminder on my phone.

"Really? Already, you're not even four months yet."

"Anytime between six to eight weeks you can hear the heartbeat."

"You are so cute when you're excited."

All of a sudden a huge wave of nausea hit me. I got up and ran to the bathroom.

"I'm not sure that was excitedment!" I yelled back to him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The morning sickness has to end

I texted to Monique.

Since Jesse's mom had found out, we pretty much told everyone we knew. I kept it really simple and I sent a picture of the pregnancy test to our group chat. Now me and Monique were comparing pregnancy notes. After brushing my teeth, I walked back into our room and looked down at Jesse on the floor doing sit ups.

"I like seeing you work out, it's sexy." I said as I climbed onto the bed.

"Oh yeah?' he said with that lovable stupid grin on his face. He finished his set amd stood up. I pretended to fan myself off.

"You know you can help me with the next exercise."

"What do you want me to do?" I said.

"Lay down on the floor, and I'll get on top of you-"

"That's all I need to know." I got up as Jesse laughed and laid on the floor, but not before making sure my bonnet was secure. I was not about to roll my hair in carpet dirt. He got on top on me in push up position and said,

"Your job is to give me a kiss every time I go down."

"I think I can do that, ready?"

"Le's go." He said. Every time he came down I gave him a quick kiss. I used his breaks in between sets to really kiss him.

"You're getting tired." I said. His push ups were getting slower and and his grunts louder.

"I'm not," he said. He kneeled in front of me. "Climb and hold on to my back."

"Are you kidding me? No." I said, sitting up.

"Come on, I got you."

"No."

"Do you trust me?" He said. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Of course I do."

"Then come on, girl." He said, laying down on the floor in push up position. I sighed and climbed on top of him, wrapping my arms around his waist, using my knees to not slide off.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Ready, I guess."" Isaid and to my surprise he started lowering himself down and back up again. I had to tighten my grip on him so I wouldn't slip off. We heard a knock at the door.

"Jess?" A muffled voice said behind the door.

"Come in Di." He said, still not stopping.

She walked in and gave us a funny look while holding something huge behind her back.

"Should I ask or should I just...?" she said.

Jesse finally collasped on the floor and i got off him.

"Just working out sis, take your mind out of the gutter." He said. He very slowly got off the floor and started wiping himself off with a towel.

"You need a shower." She said scrunching up her nose.

"You need a personality that isn't annoying but here we are." He replied.

"Anyway, I came to give you something I've been working on. My therapist said that I should find a hobby and I decided to make drawing my hobby so, since I'm going back to mom, I made you this." she said and showed Jesse a drawing of Diana and Jesse sitting together. It was from an old picture of them, when diana was six and Jesse was like eighteen. It was a beautiful drawing and it looked so real yet you could tell someone drew it.

"When did you have the time?" He said in awe of the picture."

"When you were having sex." she said smiling.

"Aye! Stop that! What is wrong with you? Seriously this is amazing. I'm going to hang this up. Thanks, turns out you are actually pretty good st something after all." he said, giving her a hug and a kiss on her head.

"Eww, you're still disgusting! And sweaty!"

"I know, and if you don't get out of this room in the next twenty seconds, I'll hug you again."

"Ugh," she said as she walked to the door. she paused for a moment and said, "Thanks for letting me stay here, I love staying here with you. Love you."

"Love you too, sis." He said. Before closing the door she said,

"You keep acting like I don't know what you be doing in here at night. I've seen and heard you. And Jay's pregnant, so I don't-"

"Get the FUCK OUT, Diana!" He yelled as she shut the door. I laughed and shook my head.

"What's wrong with her?" he said.

"She's your sister, that's what's wrong. And she works you up and you go for it everytime. Now let me see that picture."

>>>>>>>>>>>>

We spent most of the day in and out of our house, helping Diana and Aiesha move into their new house that was now, just three doors down. I mostly stayed in Diana's new room, helping her decorate. She choose to make her room really artistic. There was space for her to draw and paint and there were shelves of the newly bought, (by Jesse) art supllies after seeing her artwork. She had made a beautiful painting of her father that she hung on her wall. it was a picture from their most recent father's day trip. She really had a natural, God-given talent for art, much like her brother.

She brought in another box of things for me to put on her shelves, all of her and Jesse's awards. I looked down at a trophy from Jesse's years in football, and another one from soccer, and another one for baseball, and yet another one for basketball, one for swimming. I really forgot how much of an athlete he was before he went to college, but even in college he still played sports. When Di came in I asked about all Jesse's trophies.

"Oh, mom must have gotten the boxes confused. I will take his soccer one though, its going to be great for a prank. " she said, taking the soccer trophy.

"Should I ask?" I said, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Um, nah." she said, quickly moving out of the room. After another hour of of helping Di decorate, Jesse came in the room and wrapped his arms around me.

"It's time to go baby, I got to get ready for my gig tonight, and you have to do whatever you do that takes three hours." He said. I slapped his arm.

"I don't take three hours, it's more like one and a half!" I said.

"How about we go home and take a shower together, you know, save water or whatever." He said kissing down my neck.

"Ewwww." Diana said, coming from her new closet. "You do know I'm still in the room?"

"Sorry, but weren't you the one talking hella shit earlier and now you wanna be all eww, that's gross? Make sure you're ready to go by 7:30 cause I gotta get to the place by 8:15." He said moving away from me.

"I will." She said. She ran into the closet for a second and came out with another drawing. She handed it to me.

"I made you one too." She said. It was a drawing of one of the selfies we had taken at Jesse's family dinner. I was blown away by the detail, and the fact that she thought enough of me to draw me. It looked so real. I gave her a hug.

"I love it, thank you." I said, still a little in awe.

"I'm glad you like it."

"I hate to break up this little halmark moment but we gotta go and you can't be late." Jesse said. Diana stuck her tongue out at Jesse as we walked out the room. we were just about to walk out of the house when Jesse's mom came in.

"Thanks for helping out you guys! This has been the fresh new start me and Di have needed, I really appreciate it." She said, beaming at us.

"It's no big thing mom, you know that." Jesse said. He gave her a hug.

"And you, I know things have been difficult between us but I am really coming around to you. If you still have morning sickness there's a tea that I used to drink that helps, especially if you are not at home, If you want to try it." She said to me. She had really been trying in her own way I guess to get along, and, even though things werent perfect between us it wasn't a bad start.

"That would be nice, It really has not let up." I said. Her smile got even wider.

"I'll drop it off in the morning! I am so excited for you guys! Take care of my grandchild, and Jesse, don't you let her lift a finger!"

"Got it, mom. I'll be back to pick up Di for my gig. I'll beep and she can come out." he said. Aiesha and I both slapped Jesse on the arm.

"You will go to the door and pick her up like a proper gentlemen, I raised you better than that. If I ever catch you honking for your sister, I will beat yo ass so hard you won't be sitting for a year, you must've lost your damn mind Jesse!" His mom said.

"I was just kidding mom, damn." He said, rubbing his arm where she slapped him.

We said our final goodbyes and walked out the house. Jesse took my hands as we walked across the street and past two houses until we got to our house. I laughed thinking about the ridiculousness of her moving so close we didn't even have to drive.

"What are you laughing at, Love?" Jesse asked as he turned the key into the door.

"Just, we are so close to your mom now it borders on ridiculous." I said walking through the door Jesse was holding open.

"I know, but it'll be nice after we have the baby, free baby-sitting."

"Yeah, I guess. So you mentioned a shower?" I said, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Want me to carry you?" he said, pecking my lips.

"Boy you already know."

>>>>>>>>>>>>

The music was thumping and causing my chest to vibrate. It was dark but I liked the vibe. The walls were made of brick, giving the place a really nice intimate vibe. We actually left the house on time and got to place early. Jesse, being organized, always on time, and more dependable of us both made sure of that. He also made sure that me and Diana got a table front and center. So far this was his second gig.

The plan was for Jesse to build a social media presence, it didn't have to be huge but the record company wanted to see that he had somewhat of a following. So by doing different local gigs, he was supposed to be gaining exposure, performing experience, and hopefully followers. Diana was Jesse's social media manager, Jesse was more of a personal user of social media than a "influencer" type, but Diana loved it. She updated his social with pictures and videos of him performing and singing. She had a real talent for it because through all her posting and interaction she got him to about two thousand followers within two weeks across multiple platforms. Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, and whatever else everyone is using these days.

Eventually he was going to have to get himself a real publicist, and a manager, and I'm sure a whole bunch of other people and positions I haven't even heard of yet.

Di was adorable as she set up her ipad to record Jesse's performance. Her face scrunched up as she struggled to find the perfect angle with her ipad tripod. Once she found the right angle, her face lit up in a way that was eerily similar to her brother. Finally she sat back and relaxed, and pulled out her phone.

"How's everything going over there, Di?" I asked.

"Great, I just have to send out a few posts so that I can get people watching when I live stream it."

"You really like doing this stuff, do you ever think about making a career or job out of it?" I said. If she really wanted to, she could probably make a lot of money off of social media as a side hustle.

"I guess I could, but I didn't really think about it like that. I like doing it for Jess, but I never thought of it like that."

"You would be great at it and could possibly make a lot of money. Maybe talk to your mom about it." I sipped my seltzer water.

"Hmm, maybe she's been so different since dad...since he's been gone. I doubt she'd actually understand." she said as she continued to type.

"Sorry to hear that. How are you doing, with all that?"

"Better, I guess. I still miss him a lot."

Before I could respond the host was at the mic. A tall white guy with slicked back hair, and the most outrageous bright orange pants tapped on the mic.

"I'm Randy, and welcome to Starlight. It's talent night and we've got some really talented acts for you all to hear tonight. If it's okay with you guys, Sunshine, a crowd favorite and regular, will start us off!"

A woman who looked about 23 emerged on stage and stood into the spotlight. Her brown skin contrasted beautifully with her blonde hair which had golden highlights in it. When she smiled it made sense that she called herself sunshine. She grabbed the mic and the crowds welcomed her to the stage with applause.

"Hey, y'all. Nice to see some old and new faces. I'm Sunshine, and imma sing a little something for y'all. Y'all ready?" she said and the crowd cheered in response.

Her set was amazing and not what I expected at all. She was one of the most energetic performers I had ever seen. She danced and sang around the stage like she was Beyonce. Her songs were all upbeat and fun, and I could see why she went first.

Jesse was going third. Every performer had fifteen minutes for their set with five minute breaks between performers. The guy that went after Sunshine was terribly boring. All he sang were sad slow songs in the most dead voice and with the energy pumped into us from the first performance he didn't last long before he was booed off the stage.

Finally Jesse was on. I could tell he was nervous by the way he was holding his guitar so tightly. He looked good, I made sure of that. His black top unbuttoned just enough to show off his toned chest. He put down his guitar on the stand and took the mic.

"How's everyone doing out there?" He said. A few murmurs from the crowd answered back now that the energy had been drained from them.

"I promise you by the end of my set I'm going to get you all on your feet. You ready?" He said and a slightly louder crowd responded. The track started and I immediately recognized the song Jesse was singing. It was definitely a good upbeat choice that had everyone bouncing or tapping their foot. It was one of his original songs. He was very stiff on stage at first but as the song went on he looked a lot more relaxed.

He went on to do a cover of Bruno Mars' That's what I like that gave me chills when he hit the falsetto. And when he thrusted his hips, but that's because that move

brings back a lot of good memories.

Anyway the crowd seemed to be responding well to him- especially the ladies, and it was nice to see him let loose on stage. I had never really seen him perform in front of so many people before. He spent so much time in his career hiding from the spotlight and staying in the background that it was nice to see how much he's grown into really taking control of the stage and embracing the performer in him.

When it was time for his last song, Jess was going over to grab his guitar and he had the most embarrassing trip and almost fell, but he took it like a champ, made a joke about it and sat on the stool. He placed the mic back in the stand. He found me in the crowd and I blew him a kiss while his sister gave him a thumbs up. He smiled and started talking.

"For my last song, I'm going to sing something I wrote over ten years ago. It's a song I wrote about someone special and I think everyone can relate to." He started to strum. I didn't recognize the song at first but after a while it came to me. It was a song he wrote while we were still in high school.

Once he finished the last note and said good night, the crowd really showed him some love with a loud round of applause. I stood up and blew him another kiss. It was well into the next act when he reappeared.

He was glowing, I could feel the excitement bouncing off of him.

"Hey baby, did you like it? How did I do?" He said, kissing me once he got close.

"Besides your little accident you did fine." Diana responded.

"I wasn't talking to you." he said. Diana shrugged and her fingers continued to furiously move against the screen of her phone.

"You did amazing, you got everyone to their feet. I loved it."

"I'm glad, I was so nervous and trying not to act like it."

"I could tell at first but then you really loosened up."

"Good. I'm so hyped up right now, you wanna get something to eat?"

"I want something sweet." I said.

Jesse threw his guitar pick at diana.

"Come-on I got to drop you off before eleven or mom will kill us both, let's go."

>>>>>>>>>

"JALEIA! JALEIA, WHERE ARE YOU?" Jesse screamed out as he moved through the house. I was in the kitchen stirring a pot of collard greens. I could hear his footsteps racing through the house. He had just gotten home and from his earlier phone call he said he had some amazing news.

"Kitchen, babe!" I replied. What I thought would be a quiet and peaceful Tuesday night was not going as planned. Five seconds later Jesse was in the kitchen. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me. The feeling sending tingles down my spine, he pulled back and said, "Baby I got the deal!"

"You got the deal, the record deal? Oh my gosh, congratulations Jess, I told you they would be crazy not to pick you!" I said, jumping up and down.

"Well, it does come with some negatives, though." He said cautiously. I pulled back, raised an eyebrow and said,

"Like what?"

"I met with Dre's guy as a manager he seemed legit. So I hired him, and the contract they were able to work out was pretty decent, your basic starter contract but cause I got some clout, a little more money."

"Okay, I'm not seeing the problem, Jess."

"Here's the deal. I will be spending most of my time writing and recording it in L.A." He said as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Understandable." I said. I felt really confused and really antsy, I wish he would just spill it.

"I will have a lot of promo to do, before and after the release, so I'm going to be working like hell for the next couple months. They want to release it in May or June of next year, which means it has to be mostly done by March, tight squeeze." he said.

"Sooo, what's the bad part?" I said. I closely examined his face, I could tell there was something that he wasn't telling me. I squeezed his hand to motion him to go on.

"I have to record a duet with Imani Redd and the music video and open for her for a couple dates on her upcoming tour."

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[thoughtcock]

relieved, but the sadness is punching through my gut

i thought that when i ended things with you, i would feel like a big chunk of weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that i feel like i can actually focus on my own life goals without you pressuring me for physical/emotional attention all the time. i thought i didnt mind having someone who doesnt share the same goals and aspirations and hobbies in my life, but maybe i actually do. i thought i didnt need someone who understands my career and why i work the way i do, but now i am starting to think why i didn’t voice my needs out. was it because i am afraid i will never get it, and hence never tried to tell you what i want?

i thought about this for awhile and after a long chat... we concluded that our differences has caused this downfall in the relationship. feeling like my bst wasn;t enough for you all the time, and how i couldnt prioritise you over my other commitmments and hence you being upset at me.... it gets to me... and at the moment i pulled that trigger thinking that would save me from all these troubles.

i did suggest couples therapy though but you weren’t open to that. so that’s it then. 

i felt calm when it was official. suddenly things between us became so simple, its just a guy and a girl sitting next to each other in bed, holding each other with not a care in the world. then we talked about how seperating would be the best of us. maybe remain friends? 

then the sadness hit. lots and lots of it. 

as much as we had all these differences and me feeling the pressure and you feeling neglected, we were happy. i loved spending time with you, making dumb jokes, having good conversations (without feeling like im forced), just enjoying your presence (even tho you werent satisfied by it). all these months you really did take good care of me, and felt like you filled this void in my life that ive been having while living in this city for so long. i’m sorry my best isn’t the best for you.

being with you has also exposed a lot of my flaws. at first i felt like a parent nagging at me, but now that its all over. maybe i actually do have so many weaknesses i have to work on to improve myself. how to communicate my needs better, how to be less passive, how to be more giving, how to be the best version of myself whether im single or attached. maybe i will book a therapist by myself.

spending time with you after our breakup actually felt quite wholesome. somehow we weren’t awkward with each other and we could crack the same jokes, i felt like i could open up more, i really treasured a lot of our last moments together before giving each other space. hugging, caressing, holding hands, sex, spanks, dark jokes, lunch, walking with you under the rain, you sending me home for the last time. it felt like the universe just wanted us to spend just a liiiitle more time together (the restaurant only opening at noon so we had to walk around shops, the sudden rain which made us detour to get an umbrella etc).

and now i just feel so empty and lost. how can someone i know for just 8ish months make me feel so........sad? i thought i would be feeling relieved given all this resentment was starting to build inside me. but now im just thinking what if we could have worked this through, what if i didnt give up so easily, what if we actually went through with therapy, would it mean kicking the can down the line, or would it mean we could have found a nice balance to our differences.

i’ve always set a rule for myself that i would never become friends with the men i had relationships with. but with you, this has somehow become the chillest breakup ever and somehow we ended this on good terms. this is my first good terms breakup. maybe being friends could actually work out? argh im going against so many dating advices online lol.

after all this word vomit, i just feel so so so sad. my heart just wants you back but my head knowas better. two people who still love each other and having to end things like this....while it is for the best it just sucks so much. i get why its so hard for people in stale/abusive/toxic/meh relationships to let go. not that it was like that with you (although i did feel this was getting toxic and you told me you felt meh about us), but i get why its so hard now. 

i will miss your greetings every morning/night, nightly laggy video calls when im not staying over, your delicious steak, your constant love and attention, our stupid dummy mc dumb jokes, our talks, ...

ugh. now you are having dinnfer with your family, as much as i didn’t do that good of a job connecting with them, i still wish them the best.

fuck. now im just questioning whether i fought hard enough for this relationship. did i pull the trigger too soon? i know we only parted ways a few hours ago, but i miss you, so so so so so so much kenneth.

i genuinely hope you can meet someone that will satisfy all your needs that i couldnt.

i can only hope the next few days will help me see more clarity. right now im just feeling so shitty

[imagine-texting-svt]

Therapist! Joshua

Loves his job so much

Just loves helping people

So it fits him v well

Sometimes it’s hard on him though because everyone spills all of their problems onto him and it’s hard for him not to take some of it home

Works the normal 9-5 hours or something in between

Gets mondays and Saturdays off

Basically runs the therapy program

Did the one thing none of the other therapists want to do which is take on the interns

Had Seungkwan for 3 months

Worst 3 months ever

Was shit at being quiet and observing a session

Refused to take anymore interns after Seungkwan

Works mainly with doctors

It’s not uncommon for doctors to suffer with depression and anxiety

Out of all the professions being a doctor is actually the profession with the highest suicide rates so the hospital always wants checks on them

Josh and 2 other therapists made rounds to the doctors 4 times a year

The doctors dreaded seeing any of the therapists come to their wards

Josh kinda found it amusing

On rare occasions though docs have actually come to see Josh without upper management mandating it

Upper management actually mandates that after a doc has an patient death they have to see Josh or a different therapist for at least a month after in order to help the suicide rates

He understood doing evals on the surgeons and people like that but he never understood why he had to do evals on the other therapists

Not just mental health therapists but the physical health therapists as well

Like the occupational therapists like Sooyoung's s/o

Josh doesn't just do normal therapy

If he doesn't have any evals or any appointments he goes and volunteers over at the paediatric and does a little music class

He brings his guitar and has the music therapist give him a bunch of instruments and goes over and plays music with the kids

Because paediatric is anyone under 18, the 12 and up dont really see the point in that so Josh actually does music therapy with them, much to the annoyance of the actual music therapist

Soonyoung loves Josh working with his kids, especially the older ones

Dr. Hosh refers all of his older kids to Josh

Alright so you’re a nurse on the paediatric ward

For two hours of your shift one day you got assigned to playroom

Most of the nursed hated the play room bc you were basically just trying to make sure sick children werent fighting each other, everyone who needed meds got them, basically just herding kittens

One little girl came up in English and asked if Doctor Josh was coming today

You had no idea who that was so you just kinda told her you werent sure and left it at that

Even though Josh came to the ward often you were mainly with patients as you were one of the bilingual nurses

Dr. Hosh came in to the playroom and immediately got smothered by small children trying to climb him like he was a jungle gym

He announced Dr. Josh was coming to visit them and then had you announce it in English

After that Soonyoung succumbed to the small children and eventually was lying on the ground as small children were climbing him

Until he got a page, then he one by one got the kids of him and bolted

About 5 minutes later Dr. Josh came in with a guitar case on his back

You only knew it was him because there was a mix of “Dr. Josh” and “Dr. Hong” in both English and Korean

Josh smiled at you and then he wheeled in a cart of toys

“Hi, sorry I dont think we’ve ever met. Joshua Hong, therapist, nice to meet you.” he said in Korean

“Oh um. Hi. I’m y/n y/l/n, nurse, nice to meet you too.” you reply back in Korean

You were just looking at each other for a good thirty seconds before a scream interrupts you, little Michael had fallen over a toy

You dash over to him and assess him quickly, nothing wrong just some bruises but he was four so of course he was gonna cry

You start trying to sooth him in English before leaving so Josh can do his music thing

Soothing Michael to sleep, you put him back in his room and let his attending nurse know what happened

You get back to the play room and the kids are wrapping up as apparently it took almost an hour to sooth michael

Josh packs up and starts loading stuff into his cart

“Hey, y/n, you speak english?” Josh asks

“Yep” you tell him while you can your eyes around the room to make sure no kids were killing each other

“Jiyang! Stop trying to put Daeyeols bunny in trash!”

Jiyang puts his head down and gives Daeyeol his bunny back

“So how long have you been on this ward?” Josh asks

“A few years, I use to be in the Emerg- INCHAE! STOP HITTING KIEUNS DOLL!”

Herding kittens

Josh just laughed

“But Y/n Noona! Kieun took my doll!” Little Inchae complained

“Kieun, did you take Inchaes doll?”

She nods her head

You swear you can never win

Josh finds you managing small conflict adorable

After you solve the doll crisis you page out to the other nurses so they could come get their kids and take them back to their room

“Y/n.” You feel a tug on your scrubs

You look down and see, Kyla, a little 5 year old, “Are you and Dr. Josh gonna go on a date? He’s looking at you like how my mommy looks at my mama.”

Blushing starts. Oh the blushing starts. “I don’t know Kyla. Go play with your toys until Nurse Rachel comes and gets you okay?”

She nods her head

“Well. I guess Kyla helped spill that I thought you were pretty.” Josh says to you

You almost choke. Josh thought you were pretty? You’ve seen him once!

“Hey look. I know we just met, but honestly, I would like to get some coffee with you and maybe get to know you a little better.”

All you can do is nod because you're so shocked like what just happened.

“Can I ha-”

“DAEHAN LET GO OF MINGUK'S SHIRT!” You cut him off and hurry over to the two six year olds fighting each other

“Daehan what did we say about hurting other people.” You ask the young boy

“It’s bad and we shouldn’t do it.” He mumbles

“Exactly. Apologize to Minguk.”

“Sorry Minguk.”

“What are you sorry for Daehan.” You push

“I’m sorry for grabbing your shirt and pushing you.” He says with his head down

“Thank you Daehan. Alrighty. Minguk, Nurse Jisung is here so go with him. I need to tell Nurse Siyeon about this Daehan.”

Daehan looks mad but resentful

You walk back over to Josh, “Sorry bout that. Kids. Oh here my number.” You say and rattle off the digits

He texts you after he gets off shift.

You two set up a coffee date during your lunch break on Friday

When that Friday comes you guys talk for the whole time and both really enjoy yourselves

Soon every day you’re both there you get lunch together

Alrighty so it’s been almost two months into the daily lunch with Josh and you start developing serious feelings for him

You were having a pretty bad day, but then you saw you got assigned to playroom duty again you wanted to hit your head against a wall

Little did you know, Josh had talked with Soonyoung about wanting to confess to you during his little music therapy time so he had soonyoung purposely assign you to play room

About 15 minutes into monitoring Josh showed up with his guitar. All the kids gathered around him and he started playing the guitar

Then he started singing

He started singing confession by astro and looked at you the whole time

After he finished he looked at you in the eye and asked you to be his girlfriend

You said yes

Obviously

As he did the whole thing in Korean and there were some English speakers in there, he asked you again in English and you told him yes again

He later said he wanted to make sure all the kids knew

After that Soonyoung came in clapping and he had a birthday cake for one of the boys in there

Josh played happy birthday on the guitar while everyone sang

After he blew out the candles josh grabbed your hand

“Finally. You’re mine.”

[backtojuno]

yoooo ive been really inactive lately, ive been going through a lot of shit. under the readmore is a bunch of stuff i need to get off my chest/make sense of. just be warned, its really long

you can read it if you want but its mostly complaining and cursing

riiiiight so about 2 months ago shit hit the fucking fan. Ive had problems with my neck thats caused very, very bad headaches for maybe 5/6 years or so. mostly i wasnt able to get anything done about it, being dependent on 2 parents who are both very pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of people.in june though, i started working extra shifts at my job so i could pay for a chiropractor. and it worked, i had no headaches... for about a month. for a month after that the headaches came back, even though i was still seeing the chiropractor. AND FUCKING THEN

i was at work, my last weekend before i went on a 2-week trip to see my mom up in ohio! i was super excited. but also in a lot of pain too. most of the way through my shift i cracked my neck, a little bit too hard. all of a sudden i was floating about a foot over my head, i was getting hot flashes, and the left side of my throat went numb. of course, i panicked, told my manager and called my dad. my dad called his doctor and he said that since my hands/feet/anything werent tingling or anything like that I was alright, but i should still see a doctor. dad decided not to take me to the ER, but I was still goddamn scared. I still am, honestly. of course, this got more complicated. it was a saturday, so doctors offices were closed and wouldnt be open til monday, the day that id leave for ohio. it was a really hard decision but if i didnt get on the plane to ohio, i wouldve had to forfeit the trip entirely. so, i went to ohio and my mom set an appointment for thursday for a doctor.

i waited, we went, and i told my story to the doctor. she didnt do any tests on me, didnt even touch me. just said i had probably hit a nerve and that i was fine, and offered to prescribe medicine which i didnt want. EXCEPT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. the day after i went to the doctor i started feeling this pressure on the side of my throat,right in that fleshy part just underneath the back of your jaw.i thought and hoped it would go away. it fucking didnt. some days were better than others but on some days id be sightseeing with my family and id be silent, standing in a museum looking at The Plane that The Wright Brothers Themselves built, and trying not to panic bc the pressure in my throat was bad and it felt like i couldnt get enough air in. when i told my mom she told me to calm down. that did not help, at all. anyways, the rest of the trip passed and i flew home. EXCEPT. JESUS CHRIST. while i was on the plane, i was having a hard time popping my ear. I didnt have any gum (and i hate gum anyways bc of misophonia) so i ended up spending the entire plane ride moving my jaw to try and pressurize my ear. that, of course, ended up with me doing something to the right side of my jaw that makes it crackle and sometimes pop when i move it. it also hurts sometimes, which is weird bc the only jaw pain ive ever had was when i had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out at once. with the pressure in my throat though, it was kind of an afterthought at the time

anyways. since doctor #1 really hadnt done anything and i didnt have a primary doctor, i decided to go to the primary doctor my mom and sister went to when they still lived down here with me. its probably a good time to mention that that side of the family is the one im close to and im stuck here in florida for another year while i finish college. anyways. getting to him was a long wait but i got there and told him my story and he ordered some x rays of my neck and bloodwork, and prescribed me medicine. i waited for the tests and waited more for the follow up. looked at everything and told me everything was peachy keen, perfect except for a little bit of degeneration in my spinal vertebrae. it looked like things were kinda (really) out of his area of expertise, so he prescribed me a different medicine and a few sessions of physical therapy and recommended a nose & throat specialist to go to if the throat pressure didnt go away. i am goddamn lucky my dad offered to pay for my medical expenses. Doctor #3 was more or less useless.

on to doctor #3! he’s a neck specialist. i managed to get an appointment pretty quickly with him so i waited to see him. i didnt see him on the day of the appointment, but rather his assistant. she listened to my story (except that i forgot to tell her about the throat pressure thing. i s2g i go featherbrained around doctors) and then tested my arm and leg strength/mobility/general usefulness/whatever. then she ordered an mri of my neck. i waited for the mri, then waited again for the follow up. She, of course, said there was nothing wrong and when i remembered to tell her about the throat thing (which had still not gone away, 2 months later) she just looked kinda confused. she, like doctor #2, prescribed me a different medicine and a month of physical therapy. i think somewhere along the timeline of seeing doctor #3 my jaw started acting up again? i dont remember the exact timing of that but it hurt, and it sucked. my throat also started getting pretty uncomfortable when i talked, like i had to work harder to speak at a normal level. that also sucks when you work in a customer service job

so i managed to rule out that the throat thing wasnt bc of my neck and that my vertebrae werent gonna spontaneously combust or anything, i booked an apointment with the nose & throat specialist, which was on tuesday. by this time i was a damn mess. i still felt at times that i was having a hard time breathing and i really couldnt even think about it without going on the verge of a panic attack. 2 months and NO answers other than “huh, that’s weird” (the physical therapist literally told me that to my face). i had started to do research on my own for lack of anything better. that led me to eagle syndrome! which described exactly what i was feeling! (http://www.livingwitheagle.org/t/es-information-common-symptoms-and-possible-explanations-for-them/1389) and from what i read, there’s no cure! just analgesics and surgery, really. that really, really did not help- if you cant do anything then whats the point, right?

EX-FUCKING-CEPT. right around the time that i figured that out, i started having pain in my chest. i didnt know why it was happening (i later figured out that its bc when i sleep on my side i put too much pressure on my chest and it hurts me where my ribs and my sternum meet. it just decided to act up then). still though, i didnt know that at the time and let me tell you, when your chest starts hurting after youve been having whats more or less a 2-month-long constant panic attack, its goddamn TERRIFYING. i had lost my appetite a couple days before and had not been eating much, so i was weak and my heart was beating weirdly. i asked my dad what to do. he told me to call my primary, and they told me to go to the ER. i asked my dad to take me to the ER. his answer? “no, we’re going to an urgent care clinic”. the urgent care clinic, of course, couldnt do anything, while i sat there crying. (the doctor there, doctor #4, literally told me to just wait to see the nose & throat guy and that “i should try to be more composed when i see him”) meanwhile, when trying to talk about what ive been feeling to my parents, aka several mentions that i feel like im choking, i was just told to calm down. as if everything wasnt crumbling and going wrong.

so i waited until the appointment on tuesday. actually, no i didnt, i went into depression mode(TM), getting nothing done, and ended up in the doctors office an hour and a half before the appointment on the verge of tears. since it was uncomfortable to talk and something just outside of my throat had started hurting a week before, i had typed up my story (named “The Big Clusterfuck” on my computer). doctor #5 did some tests and mentioned eagle syndrome, even though i had only described it in the paper and not named it, and TMJ. he gave me prednisone for a week and told me to come back in a week. i feel bad for the man, i cried a lot.

ive managed to get my appetite back and have started eating again, and spent all of yesterday evacuating florida. i really, really hope the prednisone works. i dont know what im gonna do if it doesnt. if youre religious or do witchy stuff or whatever floats your boat, please send along a prayer or a spell or something. im not as bad as i was last week but im still Not Okay

[me-importa-mother-blog]

it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means? 

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together. 

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever. 

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love. 

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit. 

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it. 

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children. 

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid. 

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did. 

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

[jameswrites]

On Trauma and my voice

I lack subtlety online, even as I have tact out the ass. I’ll be as obnoxious and bold as I want, but when it comes to telling someone that I do not like something, suddenly I pull the brakes, put on the special gloves, and make sure I phrase things as kindly as possible--as long as I believe that they will be respectful of my existence as a person.

My mom says something shitty to me? (She can’t anymore, I have let her out of my life, but this is a thought game.) I might say something shitty back, just as boldly as she is “subtle” in her cruelty.

Mom: I think boys would like you better if you grew out your hair. That’s what you want since you’re “gay” right?

Me: You look far better when you’re not talking, but here we are.

These are extremely real things that I, someone who was abused physically, emotionally, and financially (thanks for the lack of monies, even though now my credit ain’t so great!) by her as an adult, have said to and about her and others like her who have lost all good will. I have been that blunt and cold in my cuts to her after years of casually accepting her subtle jabs at my personhood.

But if a friend was like, “Hey, you look really good with long hair! I hope you keep it for a while.”

I’d be like, “Fuck yeah, me too thanks for noticing!

Because, after realizing that compulsory short hair isn’t a facet of masculinity and I don’t have to tolerate that shit, I started to grow out my hair and shave my mustache so I just have a beard and long curly hair.

But if a friend said something like: You’d look bad if you shaved your mustache.

I’d not know what to say. Because that has happened. My kid gloves went on, and suddenly I was swimming, because every bone in my body wants to react as I would with my mom because I FOUGHT FOR YEARS to be able to snap reply when someone is horrible to me, but this is a friend and someone I like and not someone who is abusive, so why does this feel so bad and--BREATHE-- should I say something? Do I bother? Does this make them someone I should put a mental red flag on? Do I just suck it up and let it go?

And sometimes I don’t say anything. It festers, but I put it out of my head as best I can.

And sometimes I do say something. And if they react like, “Oh! I’m so sorry!” then it’s fine.

And if they turn the blame onto me, it’s a definite red flag up, but I can move on, let it be.

And sometimes that just keeps happening, wave after wave of me gently bringing it up until one day it all spills out and I am not gentle anymore. I react like I might with my mom, or worse, if it’s particularly bad.

And then, gosh golly, I’m the bad one, aren’t I? I’m the one who just suddenly went “crazy” even though I have months of documented attempts to peacefully, despite my fears and anxieties, try to solve the issues of being insulted low-key and high-key by a friend. Over and over. I have pages and pages of conversations and hours spent working with my therapist and others on how to best be a good friend to a guy who just needed me to help him understand how he was messing up, exactly when it happened, in exactly the way he could understand it, or else it wasn’t enough.

And when I lost my cool, he used that as justification to become dangerous. To say I triggered him. Into threatening me with violence.

So for the last almost 2 months I have had to stay with him in this house, him moving about at 2am just being a loud noisy fucker because he can, because what can I say about it?

And I have PTSD flaring up all the time, and I try my best to just say well he’s leaving soon. But soon feels like months away, even though recently we found out it was supposed to be today. And then he switched it, made it August 1. 

It’s funny, my rapists, plural, are people I can put in my mental trunk and lock away until I am ready to deal with thoughts about him, but just as I am going to sleep some nights, he starts stomping around upstairs. I hear him all the time, even when he’s not there. My other roommates move about, and sometimes I fear it’s him, at my door, about ready to break in and try to make good on his threat for compliance.

He beat his stairs hard enough and with enough obvious intent (followed by, he did it so he wouldn’t throw things about and beat me, while he stood by the top of the stairs with me there at the top of them and his hands up by my shoulders, as if to toss me, until I called for help and he backed off) and. I lost track of that thought. I lost track of everything.

6 Weeks of this. 6 weeks of college.

College is sincerely the least difficult thing in my life right now and that’s so fucking funny to me. For every research paper that I find bullshit, for every film fucking analysis that I hate, I hate it because I have to be in my room with him above me, able to make noise on the stairs every time he moves about, in a way that my brain constantly IV drips adrenaline into me for, as if he’ll burst through the door and tear through my chest, alien burster style. My heart certainly pumps like it thinks that.

A summary of a conversation with a friend about this man I used to consider like an older brother:

i cant express how much i hate him rn

like, i

i find it hard to breathe a bit when i think about him and i just got reminded by god only knows what

like, my therapist is sincerely like, "James, I think you need to pull back" and im like "when he leaves i will, but rn im on constant all the triggers, every time im home, for weeks on end"

and they were like "that's something you ahve been through before with jen"

and i laughed

and was like "when's the last time you felt i wasn't safe to leave without a bit more time with you? when's the last time i cried the entire session, or at all?"

and they were like "well, i think it'll be healthier if you can hide him away in your mind for a bit" and im like

"yeah, you're right. right now i cannot do that. i cannot trust he's not going to try something, because he has shown himself to be vindictive, cruel, and petty. and dangerous."

and they just, they werent wrong and also i cant just

turn off my flight or fight or freeze

and if i had when it all happened, i might have been at the bottom of the stairs on my back those months ago

when he leaves, itll be better

but hes not gone and im still so so fuckin shook

and i hate him a lot

like

ill peel back that at some point and understand the nuance

But until then, my flight, fright, fight, freeze, it goes on and on and on until I feel like my heart might stop or run away, because I just can’t do either myself right now.

So I take this, this inability to pull back the fear and anguish and adrenaline, and I motivate myself to write it into my fiction, to peel back my Liam main character, to let him be filled with the pain as a literary proxy for me. He’ll suffer at least as much as I do, and far far more.

And he’ll get a happy ending.

This whole story will be about a happy ending.

Everyone will get what they need, even the ones who are so horrible, so scary, because behind them, there’s a person, and if that person can be reached, perhaps there is hope.

But I will not be writing HIM into this. Because while characters like my jackass parents will be in this story, in small amounts, people who so recently have hurt me don’t get their happy ending here, they can move into something else, feel something else, read something else. There is nothing here for them but ashes in the wind, folks.

[jimdsmith34]

I’m Starting The Cameran Eubanks Is Over Party

Last week onwas the hunting trip and I hope the group has all recovered from their hangovers. I know I am still feeling yesterdays shenanigans, for one. #NeverDrinkingOnASundayAgain #UntilNextSunday

Kathryn calls Whitney to catch up or get coffee. I hope she doesnt hold her breath waiting for that call to get returned. Or did we watch different season threes?

I really did not need this gratuitous scene of Thomas driving around Charleston telling Kenzie about all the buildings his family owns. Like, we get it. Youre rich and powerful.

Naomie and Craig go to a couples therapist. The therapist looks like one of those cool dad types who wears Hawaiian shirts in his off time and says things like “I’m down. I’m hip. Right, guys?”

Craig: Im not saying that Naomie shouldnt question me ever because shes my girlfriend, Im saying she shouldnt be my girlfriend unless shes willing to have a blind and unwavering devotion to everything I say and do.

That’s not alarming at all…

Honestly, Im kind of with Craig on the whole being from the North is not yelling thing, though.

Craigs denying that he called Naomie a moron. This is truly some Donald Trump level of denial. WE HAVE YOU ON TAPE. Can we roll the playback, please? Craig, welcome to your tape.

Landon show sup to some bar and orders herself a shot and a beer. Respect, honestly.

Landons wearing a flannel because shes trying to attract more lumbersexuals. Where they at in Charleston, though? Also, girl, you have a boyfriend AND another older guy you’re trying to seduce. It’s enough.

Austen asks Landon about Drew who is apparently asking Landon if she loves him. Poor guy, he has no idea whats in store for him.

Landon says shes ready to settle down again because her dog is getting old, basically. Sure, thats as good a reason as any.

Shep walks in and says Where theres smoke theres fire, and Landon and Austen are looking very amorous. Cant you just say they look cozy like a normal fucking person? Also, no they do not look amorous. They look like two people having a normal conversation. Just because you use big words doesn’t mean you’re automatically right.

Drink again because Shep described Chelsea as laissez-faire. Just call her laid back, dude. Shes a person, not an economic theory of capitalism. He also thinks that he should be dating Chelsea because they both DGAF but you cant have two people in a relationship who DGAF; thats just a recipe for disaster. SOMEBODY has to give a fuck.

Thomas visits his dad whos approximately 800 years old. He seems to work for the Museum of the Confederacy

Me:

Thomas dad is like back in the good ol days you could get a hot dog for a nickel and a slave for a dime! Those were the days.

Im sorry but Thomass dad needs his own subtitles because I cannot understand this man for shit. He asks his dad for advice and his dads like Buy low, sell high. Thanks, dad, Why didn’t you just tell him plastics? That would have been just as helpful.

Austen and Chelsea are in some American Ninja Warrior wet dream/obstacle course situation. This looks like a bad date youd see in . NEXT!

Theyre betting each other for kisses like this is fucking middle school.

Oh wow, Austen had an older sister who passed away in an accident. Thats terrible. A moment of silence. This shit is sad.

Austens sisters name was Kyle and Chelsea is like OMG Kyle? Thats my brothers name! Bitch, this is not about you.

Patricias got some bougie-ass friend visiting her who literally specifies what type of glass she wants her vodka tonic in. Come on, this is a vodka tonic, not some expensive wine. Its gonna taste the same regardless of the type of stem on the glass.

Patricia is throwing an Indian themed party to celebrate her lily white friend.

Me:

Kathryn goes into Chelseas salon for a hair cut. I smell a set-up.

Kathryn: Shep told me you were a great stylist, aka the producers are making me come here.

Kathryn: Money doesnt grow on trees spoken by the lady whos trying out modeling instead of getting a real job to support her two infant children.

JD goes over to Thomas house (or office, I cant tell, fuck it) and Thomas is like I heard Kathryn and Elizabeth are hanging out. Like, no shit, they are friends? Thomas brings up Kathryns letter and this shit is long. Like 18 pages front and back long. I’m not recapping the contents of the letter because I fell asleep.

Kathryn: If I were to see Thomas Id just want to give him a big hug.

Ive never heard that synonym for punch to the face before.

Kathryn: Thats the thing with Thomas. Hes such an asshole but hes a good person.

Me trying to figure out how that makes any sense at all:

Patricia and her friend are wearing matching dog caftans. I have no comment. I mean, my grandma (may she rest in peace) used to wear 90s windbreaker tracksuit outfits well into the 2000s, so we all have our things.

Craig and Naomie are getting ready for the party and Craig is like Therapy was great, clearly the lesson we learned was please be nice to me tonight and dont treat me like shit. Real productive session.

Landon shows up to this party alone, so I guess Drew or whatever his name is is officially over.

Patricia is explaining how to eat curry, i.e. you take the rice and you put the curry on top of the rice. Cameron says Oh snap! What, putting shit on top of rice is too much for you to handle, Cam?

Cameran would be sucking up to this lady for not letting people curse at the dinner table. Bitch, please. You asked Shep last week of Chelsea gave him a hard-on. Just because you used the word “weiner” instead of “dick” doesn’t make you a saint. Please drop the Holier Than Thou act.

Patricia brings an Indian healer aka a lady whos gonna bring everyone up into the hot seat and make unfounded speculations about each of them. Can’t wait:

SHEP HAS NO CHILL. Craig goes up there and hes like Will Craig ever admit law isnt his true passion?

Healer lady: No, because law is his true passion.

Boom, roasted by the Indian healer!

Craig asks the healer about his connection with Naomie and the healer calls them soulmates. Naomies face is like fuck you, fuck you fuck you. This is her facial expression:

Kind of an odd reaction to hearing you and your current boyfriend are going to be together forever.

I wonder how much the producers paid this Indian healer to tell Landon that she has a soulmate in this room.

Whitney is bringing up Kathryns sobriety to the healer, aka a woman who doesn’t even know Kathryn, which seems highly inappropriate. What wont these producers do for ratings?

Craig: As a completely objective third party with no personal interest in the matter, I think what Kathryns doing is fine and she should be allowed to apologize.

Cam: Im sick of this, stay out of it!

^Says the woman whos constantly all up in everybodys business.

Honestly, this high society lady getting morally offended by the word fuck needs to fuck off. Come the fuck on, bitch, You were alive when abortions werent legal and youre gonna act like you cant stand hearing the word fuck? One more time because I’m petty: FUCK!!!!

Im truly over Cameran. Im starting the Cameran is over party. Tryna talk about We need to stay out of Thomas and Kathryns business when she stirs up everybodys business. Girl, bye. 

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/19/im-starting-the-cameran-eubanks-is-over-party/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/07/im-starting-cameran-eubanks-is-over.html

[samanthasroberts]

I’m Starting The Cameran Eubanks Is Over Party

Last week onwas the hunting trip and I hope the group has all recovered from their hangovers. I know I am still feeling yesterdays shenanigans, for one. #NeverDrinkingOnASundayAgain #UntilNextSunday

Kathryn calls Whitney to catch up or get coffee. I hope she doesnt hold her breath waiting for that call to get returned. Or did we watch different season threes?

I really did not need this gratuitous scene of Thomas driving around Charleston telling Kenzie about all the buildings his family owns. Like, we get it. Youre rich and powerful.

Naomie and Craig go to a couples therapist. The therapist looks like one of those cool dad types who wears Hawaiian shirts in his off time and says things like “I’m down. I’m hip. Right, guys?”

Craig: Im not saying that Naomie shouldnt question me ever because shes my girlfriend, Im saying she shouldnt be my girlfriend unless shes willing to have a blind and unwavering devotion to everything I say and do.

That’s not alarming at all…

Honestly, Im kind of with Craig on the whole being from the North is not yelling thing, though.

Craigs denying that he called Naomie a moron. This is truly some Donald Trump level of denial. WE HAVE YOU ON TAPE. Can we roll the playback, please? Craig, welcome to your tape.

Landon show sup to some bar and orders herself a shot and a beer. Respect, honestly.

Landons wearing a flannel because shes trying to attract more lumbersexuals. Where they at in Charleston, though? Also, girl, you have a boyfriend AND another older guy you’re trying to seduce. It’s enough.

Austen asks Landon about Drew who is apparently asking Landon if she loves him. Poor guy, he has no idea whats in store for him.

Landon says shes ready to settle down again because her dog is getting old, basically. Sure, thats as good a reason as any.

Shep walks in and says Where theres smoke theres fire, and Landon and Austen are looking very amorous. Cant you just say they look cozy like a normal fucking person? Also, no they do not look amorous. They look like two people having a normal conversation. Just because you use big words doesn’t mean you’re automatically right.

Drink again because Shep described Chelsea as laissez-faire. Just call her laid back, dude. Shes a person, not an economic theory of capitalism. He also thinks that he should be dating Chelsea because they both DGAF but you cant have two people in a relationship who DGAF; thats just a recipe for disaster. SOMEBODY has to give a fuck.

Thomas visits his dad whos approximately 800 years old. He seems to work for the Museum of the Confederacy

Me:

Thomas dad is like back in the good ol days you could get a hot dog for a nickel and a slave for a dime! Those were the days.

Im sorry but Thomass dad needs his own subtitles because I cannot understand this man for shit. He asks his dad for advice and his dads like Buy low, sell high. Thanks, dad, Why didn’t you just tell him plastics? That would have been just as helpful.

Austen and Chelsea are in some American Ninja Warrior wet dream/obstacle course situation. This looks like a bad date youd see in . NEXT!

Theyre betting each other for kisses like this is fucking middle school.

Oh wow, Austen had an older sister who passed away in an accident. Thats terrible. A moment of silence. This shit is sad.

Austens sisters name was Kyle and Chelsea is like OMG Kyle? Thats my brothers name! Bitch, this is not about you.

Patricias got some bougie-ass friend visiting her who literally specifies what type of glass she wants her vodka tonic in. Come on, this is a vodka tonic, not some expensive wine. Its gonna taste the same regardless of the type of stem on the glass.

Patricia is throwing an Indian themed party to celebrate her lily white friend.

Me:

Kathryn goes into Chelseas salon for a hair cut. I smell a set-up.

Kathryn: Shep told me you were a great stylist, aka the producers are making me come here.

Kathryn: Money doesnt grow on trees spoken by the lady whos trying out modeling instead of getting a real job to support her two infant children.

JD goes over to Thomas house (or office, I cant tell, fuck it) and Thomas is like I heard Kathryn and Elizabeth are hanging out. Like, no shit, they are friends? Thomas brings up Kathryns letter and this shit is long. Like 18 pages front and back long. I’m not recapping the contents of the letter because I fell asleep.

Kathryn: If I were to see Thomas Id just want to give him a big hug.

Ive never heard that synonym for punch to the face before.

Kathryn: Thats the thing with Thomas. Hes such an asshole but hes a good person.

Me trying to figure out how that makes any sense at all:

Patricia and her friend are wearing matching dog caftans. I have no comment. I mean, my grandma (may she rest in peace) used to wear 90s windbreaker tracksuit outfits well into the 2000s, so we all have our things.

Craig and Naomie are getting ready for the party and Craig is like Therapy was great, clearly the lesson we learned was please be nice to me tonight and dont treat me like shit. Real productive session.

Landon shows up to this party alone, so I guess Drew or whatever his name is is officially over.

Patricia is explaining how to eat curry, i.e. you take the rice and you put the curry on top of the rice. Cameron says Oh snap! What, putting shit on top of rice is too much for you to handle, Cam?

Cameran would be sucking up to this lady for not letting people curse at the dinner table. Bitch, please. You asked Shep last week of Chelsea gave him a hard-on. Just because you used the word “weiner” instead of “dick” doesn’t make you a saint. Please drop the Holier Than Thou act.

Patricia brings an Indian healer aka a lady whos gonna bring everyone up into the hot seat and make unfounded speculations about each of them. Can’t wait:

SHEP HAS NO CHILL. Craig goes up there and hes like Will Craig ever admit law isnt his true passion?

Healer lady: No, because law is his true passion.

Boom, roasted by the Indian healer!

Craig asks the healer about his connection with Naomie and the healer calls them soulmates. Naomies face is like fuck you, fuck you fuck you. This is her facial expression:

Kind of an odd reaction to hearing you and your current boyfriend are going to be together forever.

I wonder how much the producers paid this Indian healer to tell Landon that she has a soulmate in this room.

Whitney is bringing up Kathryns sobriety to the healer, aka a woman who doesn’t even know Kathryn, which seems highly inappropriate. What wont these producers do for ratings?

Craig: As a completely objective third party with no personal interest in the matter, I think what Kathryns doing is fine and she should be allowed to apologize.

Cam: Im sick of this, stay out of it!

^Says the woman whos constantly all up in everybodys business.

Honestly, this high society lady getting morally offended by the word fuck needs to fuck off. Come the fuck on, bitch, You were alive when abortions werent legal and youre gonna act like you cant stand hearing the word fuck? One more time because I’m petty: FUCK!!!!

Im truly over Cameran. Im starting the Cameran is over party. Tryna talk about We need to stay out of Thomas and Kathryns business when she stirs up everybodys business. Girl, bye. 

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/19/im-starting-the-cameran-eubanks-is-over-party/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/19/im-starting-the-cameran-eubanks-is-over-party/

[adambstingus]

I’m Starting The Cameran Eubanks Is Over Party

Last week onwas the hunting trip and I hope the group has all recovered from their hangovers. I know I am still feeling yesterdays shenanigans, for one. #NeverDrinkingOnASundayAgain #UntilNextSunday

Kathryn calls Whitney to catch up or get coffee. I hope she doesnt hold her breath waiting for that call to get returned. Or did we watch different season threes?

I really did not need this gratuitous scene of Thomas driving around Charleston telling Kenzie about all the buildings his family owns. Like, we get it. Youre rich and powerful.

Naomie and Craig go to a couples therapist. The therapist looks like one of those cool dad types who wears Hawaiian shirts in his off time and says things like “I’m down. I’m hip. Right, guys?”

Craig: Im not saying that Naomie shouldnt question me ever because shes my girlfriend, Im saying she shouldnt be my girlfriend unless shes willing to have a blind and unwavering devotion to everything I say and do.

That’s not alarming at all…

Honestly, Im kind of with Craig on the whole being from the North is not yelling thing, though.

Craigs denying that he called Naomie a moron. This is truly some Donald Trump level of denial. WE HAVE YOU ON TAPE. Can we roll the playback, please? Craig, welcome to your tape.

Landon show sup to some bar and orders herself a shot and a beer. Respect, honestly.

Landons wearing a flannel because shes trying to attract more lumbersexuals. Where they at in Charleston, though? Also, girl, you have a boyfriend AND another older guy you’re trying to seduce. It’s enough.

Austen asks Landon about Drew who is apparently asking Landon if she loves him. Poor guy, he has no idea whats in store for him.

Landon says shes ready to settle down again because her dog is getting old, basically. Sure, thats as good a reason as any.

Shep walks in and says Where theres smoke theres fire, and Landon and Austen are looking very amorous. Cant you just say they look cozy like a normal fucking person? Also, no they do not look amorous. They look like two people having a normal conversation. Just because you use big words doesn’t mean you’re automatically right.

Drink again because Shep described Chelsea as laissez-faire. Just call her laid back, dude. Shes a person, not an economic theory of capitalism. He also thinks that he should be dating Chelsea because they both DGAF but you cant have two people in a relationship who DGAF; thats just a recipe for disaster. SOMEBODY has to give a fuck.

Thomas visits his dad whos approximately 800 years old. He seems to work for the Museum of the Confederacy

Me:

Thomas dad is like back in the good ol days you could get a hot dog for a nickel and a slave for a dime! Those were the days.

Im sorry but Thomass dad needs his own subtitles because I cannot understand this man for shit. He asks his dad for advice and his dads like Buy low, sell high. Thanks, dad, Why didn’t you just tell him plastics? That would have been just as helpful.

Austen and Chelsea are in some American Ninja Warrior wet dream/obstacle course situation. This looks like a bad date youd see in . NEXT!

Theyre betting each other for kisses like this is fucking middle school.

Oh wow, Austen had an older sister who passed away in an accident. Thats terrible. A moment of silence. This shit is sad.

Austens sisters name was Kyle and Chelsea is like OMG Kyle? Thats my brothers name! Bitch, this is not about you.

Patricias got some bougie-ass friend visiting her who literally specifies what type of glass she wants her vodka tonic in. Come on, this is a vodka tonic, not some expensive wine. Its gonna taste the same regardless of the type of stem on the glass.

Patricia is throwing an Indian themed party to celebrate her lily white friend.

Me:

Kathryn goes into Chelseas salon for a hair cut. I smell a set-up.

Kathryn: Shep told me you were a great stylist, aka the producers are making me come here.

Kathryn: Money doesnt grow on trees spoken by the lady whos trying out modeling instead of getting a real job to support her two infant children.

JD goes over to Thomas house (or office, I cant tell, fuck it) and Thomas is like I heard Kathryn and Elizabeth are hanging out. Like, no shit, they are friends? Thomas brings up Kathryns letter and this shit is long. Like 18 pages front and back long. I’m not recapping the contents of the letter because I fell asleep.

Kathryn: If I were to see Thomas Id just want to give him a big hug.

Ive never heard that synonym for punch to the face before.

Kathryn: Thats the thing with Thomas. Hes such an asshole but hes a good person.

Me trying to figure out how that makes any sense at all:

Patricia and her friend are wearing matching dog caftans. I have no comment. I mean, my grandma (may she rest in peace) used to wear 90s windbreaker tracksuit outfits well into the 2000s, so we all have our things.

Craig and Naomie are getting ready for the party and Craig is like Therapy was great, clearly the lesson we learned was please be nice to me tonight and dont treat me like shit. Real productive session.

Landon shows up to this party alone, so I guess Drew or whatever his name is is officially over.

Patricia is explaining how to eat curry, i.e. you take the rice and you put the curry on top of the rice. Cameron says Oh snap! What, putting shit on top of rice is too much for you to handle, Cam?

Cameran would be sucking up to this lady for not letting people curse at the dinner table. Bitch, please. You asked Shep last week of Chelsea gave him a hard-on. Just because you used the word “weiner” instead of “dick” doesn’t make you a saint. Please drop the Holier Than Thou act.

Patricia brings an Indian healer aka a lady whos gonna bring everyone up into the hot seat and make unfounded speculations about each of them. Can’t wait:

SHEP HAS NO CHILL. Craig goes up there and hes like Will Craig ever admit law isnt his true passion?

Healer lady: No, because law is his true passion.

Boom, roasted by the Indian healer!

Craig asks the healer about his connection with Naomie and the healer calls them soulmates. Naomies face is like fuck you, fuck you fuck you. This is her facial expression:

Kind of an odd reaction to hearing you and your current boyfriend are going to be together forever.

I wonder how much the producers paid this Indian healer to tell Landon that she has a soulmate in this room.

Whitney is bringing up Kathryns sobriety to the healer, aka a woman who doesn’t even know Kathryn, which seems highly inappropriate. What wont these producers do for ratings?

Craig: As a completely objective third party with no personal interest in the matter, I think what Kathryns doing is fine and she should be allowed to apologize.

Cam: Im sick of this, stay out of it!

^Says the woman whos constantly all up in everybodys business.

Honestly, this high society lady getting morally offended by the word fuck needs to fuck off. Come the fuck on, bitch, You were alive when abortions werent legal and youre gonna act like you cant stand hearing the word fuck? One more time because I’m petty: FUCK!!!!

Im truly over Cameran. Im starting the Cameran is over party. Tryna talk about We need to stay out of Thomas and Kathryns business when she stirs up everybodys business. Girl, bye. 

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/19/im-starting-the-cameran-eubanks-is-over-party/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/163164270437

[allofbeercom]

I’m Starting The Cameran Eubanks Is Over Party

Last week onwas the hunting trip and I hope the group has all recovered from their hangovers. I know I am still feeling yesterdays shenanigans, for one. #NeverDrinkingOnASundayAgain #UntilNextSunday

Kathryn calls Whitney to catch up or get coffee. I hope she doesnt hold her breath waiting for that call to get returned. Or did we watch different season threes?

I really did not need this gratuitous scene of Thomas driving around Charleston telling Kenzie about all the buildings his family owns. Like, we get it. Youre rich and powerful.

Naomie and Craig go to a couples therapist. The therapist looks like one of those cool dad types who wears Hawaiian shirts in his off time and says things like “I’m down. I’m hip. Right, guys?”

Craig: Im not saying that Naomie shouldnt question me ever because shes my girlfriend, Im saying she shouldnt be my girlfriend unless shes willing to have a blind and unwavering devotion to everything I say and do.

That’s not alarming at all…

Honestly, Im kind of with Craig on the whole being from the North is not yelling thing, though.

Craigs denying that he called Naomie a moron. This is truly some Donald Trump level of denial. WE HAVE YOU ON TAPE. Can we roll the playback, please? Craig, welcome to your tape.

Landon show sup to some bar and orders herself a shot and a beer. Respect, honestly.

Landons wearing a flannel because shes trying to attract more lumbersexuals. Where they at in Charleston, though? Also, girl, you have a boyfriend AND another older guy you’re trying to seduce. It’s enough.

Austen asks Landon about Drew who is apparently asking Landon if she loves him. Poor guy, he has no idea whats in store for him.

Landon says shes ready to settle down again because her dog is getting old, basically. Sure, thats as good a reason as any.

Shep walks in and says Where theres smoke theres fire, and Landon and Austen are looking very amorous. Cant you just say they look cozy like a normal fucking person? Also, no they do not look amorous. They look like two people having a normal conversation. Just because you use big words doesn’t mean you’re automatically right.

Drink again because Shep described Chelsea as laissez-faire. Just call her laid back, dude. Shes a person, not an economic theory of capitalism. He also thinks that he should be dating Chelsea because they both DGAF but you cant have two people in a relationship who DGAF; thats just a recipe for disaster. SOMEBODY has to give a fuck.

Thomas visits his dad whos approximately 800 years old. He seems to work for the Museum of the Confederacy

Me:

Thomas dad is like back in the good ol days you could get a hot dog for a nickel and a slave for a dime! Those were the days.

Im sorry but Thomass dad needs his own subtitles because I cannot understand this man for shit. He asks his dad for advice and his dads like Buy low, sell high. Thanks, dad, Why didn’t you just tell him plastics? That would have been just as helpful.

Austen and Chelsea are in some American Ninja Warrior wet dream/obstacle course situation. This looks like a bad date youd see in . NEXT!

Theyre betting each other for kisses like this is fucking middle school.

Oh wow, Austen had an older sister who passed away in an accident. Thats terrible. A moment of silence. This shit is sad.

Austens sisters name was Kyle and Chelsea is like OMG Kyle? Thats my brothers name! Bitch, this is not about you.

Patricias got some bougie-ass friend visiting her who literally specifies what type of glass she wants her vodka tonic in. Come on, this is a vodka tonic, not some expensive wine. Its gonna taste the same regardless of the type of stem on the glass.

Patricia is throwing an Indian themed party to celebrate her lily white friend.

Me:

Kathryn goes into Chelseas salon for a hair cut. I smell a set-up.

Kathryn: Shep told me you were a great stylist, aka the producers are making me come here.

Kathryn: Money doesnt grow on trees spoken by the lady whos trying out modeling instead of getting a real job to support her two infant children.

JD goes over to Thomas house (or office, I cant tell, fuck it) and Thomas is like I heard Kathryn and Elizabeth are hanging out. Like, no shit, they are friends? Thomas brings up Kathryns letter and this shit is long. Like 18 pages front and back long. I’m not recapping the contents of the letter because I fell asleep.

Kathryn: If I were to see Thomas Id just want to give him a big hug.

Ive never heard that synonym for punch to the face before.

Kathryn: Thats the thing with Thomas. Hes such an asshole but hes a good person.

Me trying to figure out how that makes any sense at all:

Patricia and her friend are wearing matching dog caftans. I have no comment. I mean, my grandma (may she rest in peace) used to wear 90s windbreaker tracksuit outfits well into the 2000s, so we all have our things.

Craig and Naomie are getting ready for the party and Craig is like Therapy was great, clearly the lesson we learned was please be nice to me tonight and dont treat me like shit. Real productive session.

Landon shows up to this party alone, so I guess Drew or whatever his name is is officially over.

Patricia is explaining how to eat curry, i.e. you take the rice and you put the curry on top of the rice. Cameron says Oh snap! What, putting shit on top of rice is too much for you to handle, Cam?

Cameran would be sucking up to this lady for not letting people curse at the dinner table. Bitch, please. You asked Shep last week of Chelsea gave him a hard-on. Just because you used the word “weiner” instead of “dick” doesn’t make you a saint. Please drop the Holier Than Thou act.

Patricia brings an Indian healer aka a lady whos gonna bring everyone up into the hot seat and make unfounded speculations about each of them. Can’t wait:

SHEP HAS NO CHILL. Craig goes up there and hes like Will Craig ever admit law isnt his true passion?

Healer lady: No, because law is his true passion.

Boom, roasted by the Indian healer!

Craig asks the healer about his connection with Naomie and the healer calls them soulmates. Naomies face is like fuck you, fuck you fuck you. This is her facial expression:

Kind of an odd reaction to hearing you and your current boyfriend are going to be together forever.

I wonder how much the producers paid this Indian healer to tell Landon that she has a soulmate in this room.

Whitney is bringing up Kathryns sobriety to the healer, aka a woman who doesn’t even know Kathryn, which seems highly inappropriate. What wont these producers do for ratings?

Craig: As a completely objective third party with no personal interest in the matter, I think what Kathryns doing is fine and she should be allowed to apologize.

Cam: Im sick of this, stay out of it!

^Says the woman whos constantly all up in everybodys business.

Honestly, this high society lady getting morally offended by the word fuck needs to fuck off. Come the fuck on, bitch, You were alive when abortions werent legal and youre gonna act like you cant stand hearing the word fuck? One more time because I’m petty: FUCK!!!!

Im truly over Cameran. Im starting the Cameran is over party. Tryna talk about We need to stay out of Thomas and Kathryns business when she stirs up everybodys business. Girl, bye. 

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/19/im-starting-the-cameran-eubanks-is-over-party/

[mylovelifeinpieces-blog]

Day 1

I’ve been wanting to blog my feelings about my relationship for a while to be able to look back and see my thoughts and feelings so here goes!

I lived with this guy for a year, he was amazing. he was like my dream husband and just so much better than the guy i was dating at the time. and when that crappy relationship ended, this one began shortly after. it was a whirlwind of classic romcom moments where he would ask me to lotion is back cuz of a sunburn or would cook for me and go out of his way to make me comfortable. i used to get unsolicited massages and just unconditional love and attention. it was fantastic.

And then i found myself falling for him faster than he fell for me. classic. we had about 5 months of pure bliss before reality set in. we werent as similar as we thought. we didnt have too many hobbies in common..or any? we didnt know if we wanted the same things....and he basically just wants to keep his options open when it came to kids or w.e. ok....we spent like a good 2 months having sad conversations about our relationship and how we seemed different, how he should move out, how he doesnt feel like he has enough time for everything he wants to do, how hes not sure if he is really ready for a serious relationship right now. like end of the world shit.

Basically my approach was to throw as many darts at the board until something worked. what worked? giving him space. i gave him space, he felt less trapped and could hang out with his friends, but then we didnt see each other much...kinda concerning. but he did put in the effort to go on more dates and spend more quality time. it seemed that the time we did spend together were a lot more meaningful, which was great! i just wanted more of it...and i feel like i’m a voracious hole when it comes to attention. i want it all. i get that its not healthy so i started trying to build a life outside of the relationship. shit seems to be finally working!

AND THEN my therapist had to go comparing our relationship with his parents. damn. shes right. we did act like them. they never really spend time together, and the mom is always off entertaining herself of traveling with her own friends. they didnt seem to share any hobbies and just seemed more like roommates and less in LOVE. i didnt want that. i wanted those couples ppl talk about who are so in love with each other even after 40 years. where the husband would just tell his kids “isnt your mother just amazing?”. i want that. and thats not what it looked like my bf’s parents had....and now im scared. i want to know if thats what he wants. what does he want? does he know? what if what we want in our relationship is totally different? but what if its the same and hes just not putting in the effort to make that happen? maybe he is but its a slow process and i’m impatient? I dont know whats going to happen and I’m getting anxiety from it all because i feel like the last time we had a serious conversation we almost broke up. and now im perpetually afraid of breaking up so i dont want to bring stuff up like this. I know i will still bring it up, but i feel that i need to do it better. He used to be more receptive when i wanted to talk but i think before i used to go in mad, just absolutely furious. and i go in hot headed and strong. i think i need to try a better approach. back to throwing darts. see what sticks. last week at the baseball game i tried casual and few words. that seemed to work. I want to try calm and caring and see if thats better and elicits more conversation.

overall im just really worried everything my therapist said is true. she makes it sound like im in a terrible not loving relationship and that its all going to end. thanks a lot. she keeps saying he doesnt seem to care as much as i do, doesnt seem as serious, doesnt seem to put me as a priority. all of that is scary shit to hear when you finally see some light and think you’re doing OK. i dont like what i hear but i cant refute it. he doesnt try to make plans with me...he just kind of coasts. hes comfortable. But im over here pressured to make myself scarce so that he’ll be more affectionate and cherish me when i am around. Hes really gotta move out. i want this to work, but the doubt that it will just came back. i was pretty crazy high strung and wired this morning. calming down a bit. Maybe i can leverage this feeling and start a casual conversation with the boy. he did just recently get a lot more responsibilities at work so he’s stressed and busy again. That doesn’t really bode well for a good conversation about our relationship. I think its possible this goes well, but im more expecting it now to....only time will tell.