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amlovelies · 4 years ago

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a discovery

chapter 14 of Just Another Liability

pairing: mason/f!oc (Serena Willis)

warnings: some angst and cursing. mention of childhood neglect/abandonment issues

words: 3k (I know! this is the longest installment I’ve written by far)

read on ao3

I wasn’t given a choice in the matter. Agent Greene needed me to meet her at the Warehouse, and by the tone of her voice I knew better than to argue. I could refuse to go, but part of me is nervous. I can’t think what would be so important.

The drive back to Wayhaven is stressful. It’s my first time returning, and I don’t know the roads very well. At least it gives me something to focus on. Something besides the gnawing worry about seeing Mason. It took me too long to decide what to wear and I’m sure Agent Greene will be pissed when I show up. I probably shouldn’t have taken the time to apply a little eyeliner and mascara, but I had to.

I need some sort of armor.

I waste even more time at the front door. Everything looks the same. It’s strange to think it’s been almost a month since I was here last.

They’re probably all in the living room; I move through the labyrinthian hallway on autopilot trying to focus more on what could be so important to have me come out here rather than seeing Mason. I mean really, I need to get it together and get my priorities straight.

Besides I should be used to people not loving me. My mom made it clear how much I ruined her life. My dad didn’t even care that I was born. On the scale of things, my fuck buddy not catching feels isn’t that big a deal.

Except it feels like a huge fucking deal when I turn the corner and find him walking towards me.

“Shit.�� I feel my heart drop to my stomach. I think this is the first time we’ve been alone together since that night. I feel his eyes sweep over me and I’m glad I took the extra time to get ready.

“Took you long enough, swe—” he stumbles over the word. We both know what he was going to say. “Everyone’s waiting on you.”

“Yeah, well it’s not like I was given much of a heads up. Just a cryptic fucking call. I do have my own life you know.” That’s not exactly true. I worked a few days a week at an agency dispensary for supernaturals in the area, and while I was on friendly terms with the coworkers there, I didn’t have any social life to speak off. The most exciting thing on my calendar would be my bi-weekly visits to the facility to use their training room.

He shrugs, “that’s the agency for you.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” I won’t let myself meet his eyes as I move to walk past him.

He falls into step alongside me. Once or twice our arms brush, and I my skin itches with the proximity. I don’t know if he’s trying to put me at ease, to show me that everything can be normal, but it’s having the opposite effect. Which he probably knows because of his stupid vampire super senses. With any luck he’ll think I’m just nervous about his meeting. Sure, let’s go with that.

I enter the room first, and walk towards what used to be my usual chair.

“How nice of you to make sure Serena didn’t get lost in her old home,” Farah quips and I hear a low growl from Mason in response.

Please don’t let her be like that through this whole meeting.

Everyone is in their familiar places spread out across the room, but there’s a tension in the room I don’t recognize. It’s then that I notice the vaguely familiar looking man standing off to the side. He looks uncomfortable, always shifting his weight from side to side.

“So, what’s so important that I needed to come down here,” I ask as I settle into the chair. Out of the corner of my eye I can see where Mason has perched himself against one of the side tables. I’m torn between my desire to ignore him, to put a brave face on it, and my need to drink in the sight of him. To memorize the placement of every freckle on his face for my lonely days back in the city, but I won’t do that because that would be pathetic.

Dinah speaks first, “it’s my fault, Serena. I told Agent Greene we couldn’t continue without you here. This concerns you too.”

“As you know we took samples and did extensive testing when you first arrived here,” Agent Greene interjects and I stiffen in anticipation for what will come next. Is there something wrong with me?

“Well, that’s ominous. What do I have cancer or something?”

“No, no I can assure you that you are in perfect health,” the man speaks up. “You may not remember me, but I assisted with some of the testing when you first arrived at the facility.

“Dr. Franks also did extensive testing on me,” Dinah says from where she is seated next to Nate. She’s on the edge of her seat. Elbows resting on her knees and staring at me so intently I almost wonder if I have something on my face.

“I thank you both for your cooperation,” the man says before turning to face me. “It’s specially exciting to get to meet the first arrival from a new portal.”

A scoff from Dinah interrupts him and I see Agent Greene stiffen.

“Okay so I’m not about to drop dead, good to know, but that still doesn’t explain what’s going on.”

“Dr. Franks, noticed a pattern between yourself and Detective Greene.” I raise my eyebrow to hear her address her daughter so formally. “As of yet, no one outside of this room has been informed. We already know there are moles within the agency, and for her safety I would like to keep it that way.

“Right, it’s my safety your worried about,” Agent Greene pretends not to hear the outburst from Dinah.

“I was hesitant to include you, given your current status.”

“But Dinah insisted.” I finish the thought.

“Yes,” Agent Greene says as she clasps her hands in front of her and if I didn’t know any better, I would say they shaking. the look she gives me is not a kind one. I’ve never found myself comfortable with Agent Greene, but the effect is worse than usual today.

“So, what do I have crazy super blood as well?”

“No. Your blood doesn’t appear to have any amplifying effect.” Dr. Franks answers.

“Then what the fuck is it?”

“They think we’re related.” Dinah’s voice is soft and it takes me a second to process the words. “We are about a 25% match; it would be consistent with half siblings.”

“Okay, sure, and I’m also long-lost royalty.” I say with a roll of my eyes, but no one laughs. If anything, the tension in the room amplifies. Half siblings. One parent in common. God knows it isn’t my bitch of a mother, Dinah has her own one of those.

“This has to be some sort of mistake. I know who my father is. There’s no way. I’m not ever from this world.”

“Apparently you weren’t the first to come through that portal,” Dinah says her voice like ice and her eyes never leaving Rebecca.

Rebecca won’t meet her gaze. Dinah shakes her head and shakes off the reassuring hand Nate tries to place on her arm, “and I thought we were done with secrets.” She says with a bitter laugh.

“So, what, your dad was actually from my world? But I thought the agency didn’t have any records of other portals?” I ask trying to get all the pieces to fit together in my head. It feels like too much.

“Yes. You are the first person that the agency knows of,” Rebecca says her eyes sliding over to where Dr. Franks stands, “we are all shocked to learn about it. My late husband didn’t talk a lot about his past, and I respected his wish for privacy.”

I don’t believe her for a second. She knew. She knew all this time that I wasn’t the first. I run my hands over my face and try to wrap my head around it all. It’s bad enough trying to consider the fact that there might be other trapped here like me. I don’t know if I can even begin to grabble with the dad stuff. It’s not much of a loss discovering my father is not actually my father. He decided he didn’t want a daughter anymore when I was about four and I hadn’t seen or heard from him.

I remember seeing photos of Dinah’s dad in her office. He had an open face, always smiling holding her tight. Not just Dinah’s dad that could have been my dad.

“I will need to do further testing, but I believe that Detective’s Greene’s mutation may be caused by her unique heritage. If that is the case, there is a good chance that any children you might have would exhibit that same mutation.”

“Any what now?” I ask surprised.

“I would have to do further testing, but there’s a good chance that this is the source of the mutation. We couldn’t understand it before because we believed that Detective Greene had human parentage, but now knowing it is more complicated opens up other avenues of possibilities.”

He’s talking more to himself than us at this point and I tune it out. I run my hands over my face and try and keep above the swirling maelstrom that my thoughts have turned into. Knowing he wasn’t my father isn’t much of a loss. He stopped being a dad to me when I was four, but what did that leave me? Just the mistaken product of a one-night stand? I always knew I wasn’t planned, wasn’t wanted, the only reason for my mom’s first marriage. Was that why they got divorced, did he figure out he wasn’t my father? Maybe I really did ruin her life. It’s getting harder to breath and I think I might throw up.

A banging sound brings me back to the present and I look up to see Mason half way between the side table and my chair. Our eyes meet for a moment and against all reason I feel a little calmer. I lose myself a little in his grey depths and my racing thoughts begin to settle. There will be time to deal with my feelings about this. I say deal as if I won’t just bury it down like I do with everything else. What matters right now is what this means for us now.

“Okay, so say this is really true, what does it change?” I ask looking around the room.

Adam speaks up from the window, “I don’t think you should return to your apartment. I think for the time being you should return to the warehouse.”

I tense up at the thought, “I don’t really think that’s necessary. It’s not like my blood is super powered.”

“Perhaps not, but supernaturals have long lives. They may be willing to wait a generation to have access to the boost the mutation supplies.” Adam says with a grimace.

“Fine.” I concede and the tension in the room eases up a bit. “I’ll need a change of clothes and my stuff though.”

Adam nods, “make us a list and we will go grab them for you.”

“I will accompany Dr. Franks back to the facility and see if there is anything else, we missed in the test.” Agent Greene says signaling the end of the meeting.

Farah nearly knocks me over in her excitement to hug me. “You must be so excited! I told you Unit Bravo was a family, and now look it really is.”

I try and match her excitement. I really do, but it’s not easy.

Now that Agent Greene has left, Dinah is closer to her usual warm self. She hugs me for a long time, talking about how she always wanted a sister, that she had already thought of me as almost a sister.

It’s overwhelming. I think I say the right things. I think I look like I’m fine.

Dinah begins to tell me everything she can remember about her father, our father. How he was such a great dad, how much he cared, how much she misses him, how much she wished she had been able to know he better.

I feel like I can’t breathe. How different would my life had been if he never fell through the portal? What I wouldn’t have given to have a father like him, to feel loved and cherished even all these years later. What I wouldn’t give to remember a parent with love rather than bitterness, to have just one person in my life who looked out for me. But I didn’t get that. He fell through a hole in the world and Dinah got that instead. I feel so bitter I think I might chock on it.

I lie and say I need to go to the bathroom.

I don’t have a plan besides getting away from all the attention. I let me feet guide me and end up at the training room. Hitting something matches my mood exactly.

I fall into a rhythm. The sound of my fists hitting the dummy echoing in the empty space of the training room.

How did I ever get by without this before? Maybe my life wouldn’t have been so messy if I’d just let myself hit things.

I don’t notice him at first. Not until I stop to grab some water and I see him leaning against the door frame. If I wasn’t already winded from my excursions the intensity of his gaze would probably take my breath away.

I let myself look at him really look at him. Is it possible that I forgot how beautiful he is? I thought I could recall him well, the way the light catches in his eyes, the delicate spray of freckles across his golden skin, but my memories pale in comparison to the reality.

“Mason,” I say with a nod raising the water bottle to my lips.

He pushes off the wall and I watch his movements with rapt attention. He turns to face me in the center of the training mats before tying his hair back and sinking into a familiar position.

It’s an invitation.

Sparring with Mason isn’t a graceful dance. It is brutal, and it suits my mood just fine. Oh, sure he’s pulling his punches back, but even then, it still stings when he lands a hit. It still takes me a moment to recover when I land flat on my ass.

I manage to land a few hits, and I don’t know if it’s a testament to my skill improving, or if he’s letting me, but I don’t care. It’s still satisfying. It’s still distracting. It’s still what I need.

The next time he knocks me down I stay on the ground. I’m too tired to keep going, and the tangled knot of emotions in my chest feels less overwhelming.

“Better?” Mason asks.

“Yes, thank you.” I mean it. After all my stupidity, he should be the last person I want to be around, but I don’t know if I could stand being around anyone else right now. Between Farah and her excitement and questions, and Nate’s whole idolization of family ties, I’d felt like screaming.

“Dinah seems happy.”

“Yeah,” I say as I rise to a sitting position.

“but you’re not.”

I pull my legs in close and rest my head on my knees, “I’m too many things right now.”

If this was a few months ago, this would be the part where he offers to distract me. This is where he would say something crass like he’d be happy to make me cum too many times. But he can’t say that now, so he just shifts his weight from side to side looking uncomfortable.

“Thank you for the sparring, it helped, but you don’t need to do this.” I say with a sigh.

“Do what?”

“Stick around, check on me. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.” Except my voice cracks a little on that last syllable. Once I start crying it hits hard. I can’t even figure out what exactly I’m crying about, there’s just this needy little part of me that’s angry and sad and normally I can keep her under control, but today was too much. Today was too many memories and reminders.

I don’t expect the tentative touch to my back, the weight of his hand, the quiet reassurance that he is there. I don’t know why he is here, or what it means, but right now I don’t care. I just want. I lean against him and let his arms wrap around me.

We stay that way for several minutes, until my tears slow down, until I feel calmer. When he pulls away, he does so quickly. All too soon he is standing several feet away.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. Will you be okay?”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.” I say with a wave of my hand.

His brow furrows before he answers, “I do though.”

Oh, my traitorous heart thrills at that. How little does that fool need to threaten to come bursting out of my chest and follow him as he walks towards the door.

tag list for the au (let me know if you would like to be added or removed): @lord-king-saint, @lilyoffandoms, @tracing-freckled-constellations, @vienocalledmebuddy, @freckles-spangledvampire, @utterlyinevitable, @whippedforethanfreakingramsey

#the wayhaven chronicles #just another liability #twc mason #oc: serena willis #fanficiton #lovelieswrites

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madeofitzits · 5 years ago

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In honor of the impending return of Brooklyn 99, here are 99 reasons that...

1. He was precocious enough to know, at 5 years old, that he wanted to change his name (x)

2. He has a bunch of nicknames: Sandy Amberg, Young Sandwich, etc. but the most endearing one is 'Droidy', his family's name for him (x)

3. He is still super close friends with people he's known since: Elementary School (Chelsea Peretti) (x)...

4. Junior High/High School (Kiv and Jorm) (x)

5. … Summer Camp (Irene Neuwirth) (x)

7. ...and Film School (Chester Tam) (x)

8. Before he met Joanna, he dated other famous ladies but - out of respect - he never discussed it/them (x)

9. He loves turtles and tortoises. When he was a kid, he had a pet turtle that he named 'Squirt' because the first time he held it, it peed on him. His Mom, Margie, accidentally killed Squirt when Andy was at Summer camp... (x)

10. … Maybe this is why, when shooting 'Popstar', Andy fell hard for Maximus (Conner 4 Real's turtle). He says they "had a good thing going" and that he wanted to adopt him. In the end, he decided against it because there are a bunch of coyotes in his neighborhood and he was worried the little guy wouldn't be safe. (Popstar: DVD Commentary)

11. Speaking of his Mom, despite being a super private person, he appeared on 'Finding your Roots' so that he could help her track down her birth family (x)

12. When he succeeded he cried (although we never got to see it on camera) (x)

13. That's because, like all good boys, he loves his Mama which is why - as part of the same episode - he said "My mom is basically the kindest person I know… and many people would corroborate that" (x)

14. Andy's Sisters, Hannie (Johanna) and Darrow, used to make him wear diapers and put his hair in pigtails until he was 5 years old. He says he didn't mind because he just liked that they were paying attention to him (x)

15. That's why he sees his identity in comedy as being 'America's kid brother'. When he was young, he would annoy his sisters until they laughed and he claims to have been replicating that approach to entertainment ever since

16. Although a bunch of his characters have 'Daddy Issues', Andy definitely doesn't. He's super close with his Papa (Joe) and has said "he's a good man" and "the best Dad in the world" (x)

17. Joe was Andy's youth soccer coach and in one scene in 'Hot Rod', Joe's favorite photograph can be seen in the background. It shows a very young Andy posing with a soccer ball, after "scoring the winning goal against Mersey" (x)

18. He's been a loyal Golden State Warriors fan since he was a little kid, living in Oakland (then Berkeley) and, in 2010, he correctly predicted that they would "win a Championship in my lifetime" (x)

19. The proceeds from his Umami Burger ('The Samburger') went to a deafness early detection program in Berkeley. This cause is close to his heart because Margie uses hearing aids and used to work in the special needs program, teaching deaf kids (x)

20. He, Kiv, and Jorm have made multiple donations to their old school district, including $250 000 to its theater program (x)

21. On the subject of The Lonely Island; Andy always goes out of his way to make sure that everyone knows how much he owes to his buddies. For instance, he told Marc Maron, during his WTF appearance, that "I get a lot of credit for what Kiv and Jorm have done" (x)

22. He makes this face when he knows he’s said something naughty…

(Gif credit: @andrewsambags)

23. During his 'Wild Horses' appearance, he said that he can't watch scary movies because they freak him out too much. He told 'Complex' that he's still scared of 'The Shining' (x)...

24. … Similarly, when he was at UC Santa Cruz he worked at the Del Mar movie theater and he had a hard time coping with screenings of 'Species 2' (x)

25. He fell in love with Joanna, the moment he met her, when she greeted him by addressing him as 'Steve the C**t' (x)

26. He listened to 'Ys', everyday for a year, before he and Joanna started dating (x)

27. He bought the original portrait that was used as the basis of the cover art for 'Ys' and gave it to Joanna as a Christmas present, so that she could hang it in her music room (x)

28. He loves birds and goes hiking and birding with Joanna (x)

29. Every new comment he makes about Joanna becomes an instant contender for 'most beautiful thing a person has ever said about their spouse' (x)

30. For example, he readily admits that Jake's iconic heart eyes are the result of him thinking about his amazing wife (x)

31. There are many stories about how incredibly romantic Andy and Joanna's wedding was and Jorm has said that it featured "the most magical vows I've ever heard" (x)

32. The Newsombergs now live in Charlie Chaplin's old house (x)

33. On the Emmys Red Carpet (2015), the year he hosted, they took a momentary break from posing for the world's press to whisper 'I love you' to each other (x)

34. At last year's Vanity Fair party, Andy carried Joanna's purse for her so she could grab a snack (x)

35. He was a semi-permanent fixture in the audience for her recent run of shows for the 'Strings/Keys Incident' tour, even officially confirming his status as the 'President of her Fan Club' (x)

36. He used his Golden Globes monologue to call out the government for framing and murdering the Black Panthers (x)

37. On the Carpet for the Guy's Choice Awards, he called the event "a ridiculous farce", adding that "men already have it so easy - it's insane that there's a show that celebrates them". That makes sense when you consider that he, Kiv and Jorm have made an entire career out of parodying toxic masculinity (x)

38. He once said that only "idiot-ass men" think that women aren't funny (x)

39. He’s been wearing glasses since 7th Grade and he has the most heartbreakingly cute habit of nudging them up his nose, (especially when he wears his Sol Moscot frames) (x)...

40. ... and of rubbing his eyes under them (x)

41. He barely ever wears glasses for roles but he also avoids contacts (because he doesn't like touching his eyeballs) which means he's almost always 'acting blind' (x)

42. He has worn his glasses in character a few times - as 'himself' ('Lady Dynamite'), as 'Paul' ('I Think You Should Leave') and during a very small number of SNL sketches (e.g. during his one appearance in a 'Gilly' with Kristen Wiig) (x)

43. He can't tolerate glare and when that makes him squint it's a sight that's too cute for words (x)

44. He owns about six outfits and has been rotating them for well over a decade (x)

45. He barely ever breaks during shooting/while performing, so when he does it's aggressively adorable. (x), (x)

46. He's a grown ass man who persuades people to come with him to the bathroom because if he goes by himself he'll get lonely (x)

47. He didn't announce he was leaving SNL, until after his last appearance, selflessly choosing not to detract from Kirsten Wiig's huge and emotional send-off (x)

48. He undertook a quest to smell like Lorne Michaels (x)

49. He's ageing like a fine wine (x)

50. To protect their daughter's privacy, Andy and Joanna never announced that they were expecting. They've never released their little girl's name or date of birth and most news outlets still report that they became parents in August 2017 (even though that's inaccurate) (x)

51. Although he's careful not to talk about his daughter often, sometimes he can't keep from gushing about her. For example, when asked about his first year of fatherhood he said: "It’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Just like a beautiful, incredible dream. It has surpassed every expectation I ever had. It’s definitely been very blissful" (x)

52. After their daughter was born, Andy and Joanna spent the first 40 days at home with her (in a practice known as 'confinement'). He's described it as being "a really special time". (x)

53. Andy is famously mild-mannered but, when asked about what triggers his 'Dad claws', he admitted that if anyone attempted to touch his daughter, without permission, he'd "probably sock them hard in the face"…

54. ...Characteristically, he went on to add that he hopes that never happens, since he hasn't been in a fight since 6th Grade (x)

55. Cyndi Lauper was his first celebrity crush and he plays her record ('She's so unusual') for his daughter all the time. (x)

56. His is the very definition of a precious laugh (x)...

57. It's made even more wonderful by the way it makes his voice go high-pitched (x)

58. … and the way it causes his eyebrow to rise involuntarily

59. It's impossible not to smile at his impression of his Mom (x)

60. And laugh at his impression of John Mulaney (x)

61. He was so convinced he wouldn't win the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical, that he didn't prepare a speech. Instead, as he explained to David Letterman, he "just went… and started drinking". The resulting list of improvised 'thank yous' was perfect in every way (x)

62. As producers, Andy, Kiv and Jorm have given life to some amazing projects ('Alone Together', 'Brigsby Bear', 'I Think You Should Leave')...

63. … and gone out of their way to support women in comedy ('Party Over Here', 'PEN15') (x)

64. As well as being a comedy legend, he's a super-talented dramatic actor, who gave the performance of a lifetime in 'Celeste and Jesse Forever' but, after the movie wrapped, and it was time to do press for it, he was straight back to goofing around (x)

65. His lip bite should be illegal (x)

66. Even though he wears the same vanishingly small number of outfits, over and over, he has a vast collection of the most excellent socks (x)

67. He always gives 'editing notes' during his own interviews (x)

68. He has a super sweet and sincere way of thanking interviewers when they compliment him (x)

69. He adjusts his hoodie constantly (x)

70. The two most perfect Jake laughs in b99 are actually real Andy laughs 'https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=W38A_xuXaeg https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sVm9nYrTWRQ

youtube

71. Virtually everyone who has ever worked with Andy has talked about what a wonderful person he is. This explains why so many of them have been involved with more than one of his projects (x)

72. It's not only his colleagues who talk about what a delight he is (x), (x)

73. This lovestruck fool wore his own wife's merch when he went out to dinner (x)

74. No one else uses the word 'dinky' quite like Andy (x). The same goes for 'snacky' (see point 70)

75. He does this with his tongue (x)

76. He still likes to play soccer but his eyesight is so bad that he has to keep his glasses on for it

77. When he lets his gorgeous floofy hair grow a little it sits perfectly over the arms of his glasses (x)

78. He gifted the world with Jakey's little curl (x)

79. At the James Franco Roast, he couldn't bring himself to be mean to anyone except himself (and Jeff Ross, a little!) (x)

80. In fact, he's always been willing to laugh at himself (x) and he still is (x)

81. He changes b99 scripts to make them more feminist (x)

82. Despite their humble insistence that they just benefited from 'good timing', the reality is that Andy, Kiv and Jorm (along with Chris Parnell) revolutionized digital media, when 'Lazy Sunday' popularized YouTube, increasing its traffic by 85% overnight (x)

83. He once attended the Vanity Fair party because his Mom told him to (x)

84. He has an amazing way of subtly but firmly shutting down inappropriate questions, like when this interviewer suggested that Holt being gay was something that could have been played for laughs https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=idQsYQfkR5o

85. He auditioned for SNL at the same time as Bill Hader. Hader thought he'd blown it because Andy had a bunch of props and Bill had none. In the meantime, Andy thought he'd blown it when he saw Hader and realized 'this guy doesn't need any props' (x)

86. His bromance with Seth Meyers is one for the ages (x)

87. Every single second of this video is proof of why Andy, Kiv and Jorm deserve the world (x)

88. He once dragged Mulaney up on stage for SNL Goodnights, even though writers weren't allowed to join in (x)

89. He has a hilarious phobia of pooping anywhere except his own bathroom (x)

90. His beautiful, beautiful, face: His smile (radiant), his eyes (caramel - hella disarming), his ears (adorably asymmetrical), his nose (perfect), His chin (the dimple… *swoon*), his jaw (could cut glass), The 'Sambeard' (another amazing layer of pretty) (x)

91. His body: His butt (x), his thighs, (x) his soft lil tummy (The ‘Sambelly’) (x), his hands. (x), his arms (x), his hips…

(Gif credit: @amystiago /@badpostandy on Twitter)

92. All signs point to the fact that, like Jake, Andy uses his glasses case as a wallet (x)

93. Jake's "cool-cool-cool-cool-cool-cool" is an irl Andy-ism that the writers worked into b99 scripts. What's even better is that Joanna does it, too (x)

94. He has a really good arm and is low key competitive, which is super hot https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e32K_nBDy3Q

youtube

95. He's one half of the cutest Red Carpet pose of all time (x)

96. He barely ever seems to get mad but if angry Jake is anything to go by, maybe he should... (x)

97. He's a huge nerd, who geeks out over GOT, LOTR, 'Star Wars', 'Alien(s)' and anything relating to time travel (x), (x)

98. He has a gorgeous speaking voice, especially when he’s tired or a little sick. (Bonus points for any time he uses the word ‘correct’. See point 30) (x)

99. He’s still so committed to his b99 fans and fam, even after all this time and is as excited as the rest of us that...

#99 reasons to love #andy samberg #brooklyn nine nine #b99 #a masterpost for the best boy there is

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sellyoursoulforagoodfic · 4 years ago

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You Deserve a Love...Chapter 9

Damian Wayne x reader

Tag: @slowlydrowningme @hhhellish

Link to Inspo Post: Post

Summary: Questions, questions, only one could shock you quite like this

Word Count: 1626

You woke slowly, something that’d become more and more common in the several last several months since your relationship with Damian became more serious. Your personal favorite mornings were exactly like this: slow morning, waking naturally, snuggled up in the arms of the man you loved, in a bed that felt like it was the size of your entire bedroom back at your apartment. The gentle hand running through your hair told you that Damian was awake and also enjoying the lazy atmosphere.

“G’morning,” you muttered, palm running up the length of his back as you hugged him close.

“Good morning, habibati.”

Oh, the things that sleep-rough voice of his did to you.

“Sleep well?”

“I always do when I’m with you.”

There was a pause. “Then why don’t we make it permanent?”

You could feel your eyebrows scrunch up as you leaned back enough to look at him. “Care to run that by me again?”

He moved to press a kiss to the underside of your jaw. “We hate being apart, I love you more than anything, and you have never backed down when I’ve told you the truth about me. Even Father’s other wards cannot say the same about their paramours. Be with me forever.”

He looked a little startled when you jerked forward to press a hard kiss to his lips before answering. “Yes,” you breathed. “A bazillion times yes.”

A rare, broad grin spread across his face. “So how do you want to do this?”

“How have we done everything else? Act then tell. Though I suppose they’re gonna freak if we just do it.”

“Do you really care?”

“Not really.”

“Exactly as I thought.” A sweet kiss was graced to your forehead. “Then we will spend the day making preparations. What do you need to accomplish?”

“Assuming we’re going on a trip, I’ll need to pack and get my cat to someone who can watch him.

“We are. We can take him at the same time we take Pennyworth and Titus.”

“Pet bonding,” you laughed. “Here's hoping they get along.”

“Moving into a new apartment shouldn’t be too difficult,” Damian mused. “A moving company should be able to get everything packed and here by tonight.”

“Fair point. I love you, but I’d rather not live with your dad, and Titus won’t fit at my place. Wow, they really are gonna throw a fit when they catch wind of this . . .”

“You like seeing them squirm.”

A sadistic grin made itself present on your face. “Yep! But we should probably get up. Apparently we’ve got a lot to do today.”

Eight hours later, flights and lodging were booked, a (shockingly large) penthouse was bought, everything was at least in your new home, and the pets were getting along surprisingly well. Exhausted, you flopped onto the bed (the only piece of furniture that was actually setup) face-first. You only enjoyed the peace for a few brief moments before a heavy weight settled on your back.

“What--” a look over your shoulder answered that question before it fully left your mouth. Titus had dubbed you as his bed, and was now pressing you into the mattress. “Comfy there?” you chuckled. The presence of the man-sized dog did bring to light an issue that you hadn’t considered before. “Hey, D?”

“Yes?” he called from across the apartment. Just how muffled the sound was really drove home the scale of your new home.

“We’re gonna need a bigger bed! Mine isn’t big enough for the big baby!”

“We can look into that when we get back.” Now his voice was much closer. And there he was, smiling from the doorway at the sight of the two of you lounging. “Jason agreed to take care of them while we’re gone. He will be setting up and staying in the guest room.”

“He ask where we’re going?”

“I told him the truth; he will run interference for us. Keep Grayson and Olivia from getting too nosey. Drake and Gordon will likely respect our wishes for privacy on our trip.”

“We’ll be lucky if they don’t realize we moved.”

“I would expect nothing less--”

“From the family of Batman, I know,” you rolled your eyes. There was a certain tightness in the set of your fiance’s shoulders that made you frown. “What’s wrong?”

“My father knows. He called after I talked to Todd.”

Referring to Jason by his last name, not a great sign considering how much closer they’d gotten in the last few months. “What did he say?”

“He has . . . differing opinions about romantic attachments than the rest of us. He views them as an--”

“Unnecessary risk. I remember.”

That opinion had proven to be quite the issue in the early days of your relationship. Bruce’s unwavering view about how dangerous it could be to have such attachments nearly drove Damian to cut his ties with you altogether. One of the only ways you’d gotten his (in the loosest definition of the term) was to have Damian start teaching you self-defense, and even then he only admitted that you helped temper Damian’s ego. Nothing more. Alfred was the one that made you welcome at the manor when you crashed there with Damian.

“He was surprisingly in favor of it,” only his green eyes showed his shock.

You blinked in surprise. “What?”

“He said his gift would be to help make any changes to this place we wanted.”

Your eyes narrowed. “Why do I feel like Alfred talked down his initial reaction?”

“Because I wouldn’t love you if you were an idiot.”

“Gotta be smart to keep up with a family of detectives, I guess,” you smiled. “Love you too, baby.” You blew a kiss in his direction. “So now that we’ve got your dad’s approval, is there anything else we need to worry about before we leave?”

“Jason will be by in the morning to stay, we’re all packed, people think you are busy this week, making you unavailable, we will pick out rings when we get there . . .” Gently, he pulled on Titus’s collar to guide his off of you. “I can only think of one more thing.”

“Hmm?” you hummed at the question as he pulled you into a seated position.

From his pocket, he pulled out a small velvet box.

Your heart skipped a few beats. “Damian, you didn’t . . .” Your eyes flicked up to his face to see that he once again had that smile that only aided in the newfound arrhythmia in your chest.

“Technically, it was Pennyworth--the man, not the cat--that helped me decide. Well, him and Jason.”

“When did you have the time? I was with you all day!”

“Two weeks ago.”

You blinked blankly, once again stunned.

“Habibati, you know I’m not one to make rash decisions--Are you crying?” He laughed a little. “You haven’t even seen it yet!”

“Shut up! It’s your fault for being so sweet!” The gesture was rough as you moved to wipe your tears.

Jason snickered when he saw the post you just made on your Instagram. It was sure to send the rest of the group into a tizzy, and it was his job to fend off their questions. He was looking forward to that part. He jumped at every opportunity to mess with his makeshift little family. They may have made up for the most part, but he had to get his kicks somehow.

It was a picture that could have been posted at literally any time because it was such a normal image. It showed a pair of hands holding each other; anyone could guess that it was you and Damian. Jason was amused to note that your hand was carefully turned to hide the ring he knew to be there. His littlest brother was driving (his Mercedes judging by the emblem on the steering wheel.) And that’s all there was. There was a vague sense of normalcy to it that made it such a precious picture.

The caption was what made it a bit strange: [@therealwayne and I are unplugging for a spell. We’ll see you all on the flipside]

Already, there was a comment from Cass, [What?! You guys just got back from the LAST trip!!]

Then Jason’s phone went off. That was fast.

Of course it was Dick in the massive group chat they had made a while ago. [Where are you guys going?!]

Steph: [Yeah, I didn’t even get to see you!]

Huffing a sigh, Jason typed, [They’re not going to answer, guys. They said they were going radio silent ‘til they get back, and their plane took off ten minutes ago]

[Wait, you KNEW they were leaving?!], Tim.

[No fair!], that would be Olivia.

[They needed someone to watch the children, and I’ve got the space] They didn’t need to know that he was staying at their place.

[And you’re their favorite] Jason could practically see Dick’s pouting face.

[Maybe that’s because I don’t constantly give them shit, Dickiebird]

[Mean.]

[They just want some space, guys] Jason was serious now. [Just let them be alone for a bit. They haven’t really had that since we met her.]

Barbara: [I hadn’t thought of it like that . . .]

[Exactly. Now, I’ve got a gigantic mutt to walk. All of you, leave them alone.]

That was a bit of a lie since Titus was perfectly content to lay on top of Jason as he lay on the couch, but Jason did want to lavish the Dane with attention. He’d spent the first thirty minutes after their departure sitting by the front door waiting for Damian to come back, and Jason’s heart just couldn’t handle seeing him stay that sad.

“They’ll be back before you know it, buddy,” he promised with a few head scritches.

#damian wayne x reader #damian wayne imagine #damian al ghul x reader #damian al ghul imagine #reader insert #robin imagine #batman imagine

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incomingalbatross · 5 years ago

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Psych, Shaun and Juliet!

Hmm!

So... I don't think Shawn is much of an internet guy, honestly. My impression is that he browses for information (useful and otherwise) quite a bit, but he much prefers his social life to be IRL, face-to-face interaction, even if it's casual.

So, because of that--and because you'd probably have to move them around in time ANYWAY--I think I would probably do this by putting twenty-something Shawn and Jules in the present. As in, during quarantine.

Quarantined Shawn is, unsurprisingly, going out of his mind with cabin fever. He's in some random town in the US, where he was only planning to stay for a couple weeks but surprise! Now he's in his small, probably-not-quite-legal rental for the duration. He does get a grocery store job, which gives him something to live on and something to do, but it's not exactly fun work and the lack of recreational activity/interaction is seriously messing with him.

HOWEVER, it's 2020 and that means there are at least a lot of options for long-distance hanging out with Gus.

This means that, before too long, Gus talks him into ordering a Switch so he can see Gus's Animal Crossing island

(I know NOTHING about AC except all the Tumblr content, but that's enough to know it's exactly the kind of thing Shawn and Gus would get sucked into)

Shawn makes his own Pineapple Island, full of custom pop-culture stuff and MANY pineapples, and quickly becomes very engrossed in making it the Best Island Possible, because he has nothing else to focus on! This involves finding ways to make trades with other players

Enter Juliet (FINALLY) who is ALSO under quarantine stress in Miami and using AC to escape

Shawn tries to get the best of her in a deal

He does not succeed

Impressed by this, Shawn stays in contact with her and makes a better second impression. They "visit" back and forth

Jules's island is VERY cute, but she's also ruthless in running it the way she likes it

At some point they have a disagreement over something trivial, and Jules challenges Shawn to single combat

Shawn: "...I hate to break it to you, but this game doesn't have a combat mode?"

Jules: "There are other games."

She ALSO plays first-person-shooters, as it happens, and they end up arranging to meet in one and go head-to-head

Shawn is not a gamer, but he gets on early and figures out the mechanics, and he's a quick study with an excellent grasp of tactics

Jules wipes the floor with him

She is EXPERIENCED. She's a MUCH higher level than him, and has the skills to back it up

But what Shawn does get out of this is the realization that the challenge and adrenaline of FPS are also fun, and he starts playing with her there too

...Now they have voice chat

As one of them is Shawn, they talk a lot. This is where they really become friends, though they still don't know a lot of IRL Facts about each other. At some point Jules starts joining him and Gus sometimes when they're streaming cartoons together

BUT. Sometimes in the heat of virtual combat, Jules starts slipping into cop lingo. And Shawn responds automatically, because he knows this stuff, and since he's not always sure what's common knowledge and what isn't it takes a while to make him wonder about Jules

But eventually he asks where she learned it, and she goes "...I don't really tell people this often, online, but. Yeah. I'm a police officer"

And Shawn doesn't let his reaction show over the mic (just says, when she returns the question, that "my dad was a cop" in a closed-off sort of tone), but after they part ways he sits there, in his tiny apartment, with all his Henry Issues rushing forward, thinking I've fallen for a COP

"HOW COULD THE UNIVERSE DO THIS TO ME, GUS"

He decides he can live with it, though. He doesn't actually dislike the police as a whole, and he can be a supportive friend at least, right?

At some point he finds out she was getting ready for her detective's exam when quarantine started, and he goes "Oh, I could help you study, I took that when I was 16"

He DOES help, but this also leads to Shawn's Cop Skills being revealed to her

Somewhere in here, I think, they have a late-night conversation about Jules's dad and why she's a cop, and Shawn's dad and why he's not a cop

Fun Fact: I'm pretty sure at this point in canon Jules and Henry BOTH live in Miami

If not, well, it's already an AU 🤷

At some point Shawn finds out she lives in Miami

"...If you ever get a call about a cantankerous old coot named Henry Spencer," he says a couple hours after that, "let me know how he's handling this? Because Gus says he says he's fine, but he's probably going crazy alone without anyone else's rule-breaking to disapprove of. *chuckle* He's probably reduced to yelling at the TV."

So... Jules looks up the name, and finds Henry's called in some tips to the Miami PD over time (he IS a Spencer), though not recently

And

Here's the thing

Jules WANTS to respect her friend's privacy, and his obviously-superior knowledge of his own relationships... But she is a bit of a Meddler. And she ALSO wants Shawn to be able to have a better relationship with his dad, even if it's just the level of HER not-close-but-amicable parallel

And she's heard enough frustration and hurt and occasional wistfulness in his voice to think that, on some level, he really wants that too

So she makes up a reason to meet Henry Spencer, at six feet apart--something police-related, I don't know, maybe just driving through the neighborhood "checking up on people"

And... He's nice. Since he's also starved for human company, it's easy to get your conversation, and he has a lot of good advice to give her as a young officer.

He says he'd offer her cookies if it weren't for the contagion issues (Henry would be a quarantine baker, this is just a fact)

Jules knows that "likeable" and "good parent" don't have to corolate, of course, but she's surprised by how much she likes him

And then "loved ones currently out of reach" come up, because Quarantine Topics

Henry goes on a bit of a rant about his son who's who-knows-where, allergic to authority, and has ZERO sense of self-preservation. "His friend SAYS he's fine, but it's hard to imagine him keeping quarantine, you know? If he is, he's probably bored out of his mind..."

It's not hard to get Henry talking about Shawn

There's bitterness and disapproval there, and stuff Jules disagrees with... But there's pride, too, and fondness, and worry

She leaves sure of two things: A) she still wants him and Shawn to make up, and B) she's going to have to tell Shawn about this, because it feels wrong to keep it a secret

(Shawn is angry, but eventually she gets him to understand that her only real desire here is for him to be okay and not have to carry this hurt around)

(and he's also invested in hearing what she can tell him about his dad)

(so he's okay with her going back)

I'm not sure how things develop here, exactly, but Jules gets closer to Henry and Shawn over time (and Gus! Gus is helpful to this project, as well, though he doesn't want to take sides AT ALL)

I think Jules just ends up being in the right place, at the right time, to be a bridge between them

Eventually Henry and Shawn get in direct contact for the first time in years. It's still difficult, but Jules sets up some weekly game thing for the four of them, and just spending time together helps

Also! Jules has been talking about hard cases with Shawn for a while, but now they come up in the group as well. Watching BOTH the Spencer men solve something together is very impressive...

And at some point they start playing a puzzle game together, just the two of them. They fight, of course, but when the intellectual thrill outweighs their bad blood and they get on the same page, it's... Something to watch. And eventually this teamwork becomes a more consistent thing, and they can beat Gus and Jules at certain types of games, now, as a team

(Also, Words With Friends. Henry is very offended by all the "words" this game allows, which delights Shawn immensely)

Anyway this is why, when the quarantine lifts, the first place Shawn goes will be Miami

He'll see his dad, of course, but first he'll wait outside the Miami precinct for a certain Detective O'Hara (whose name and face he knows by now, of course)

"Excuse me, miss, would you like to see my island?"

"Shawn!"

And then he asks her out.

Jules... Likes him. She knows that. But she tells him she can't do an on-again, off-again thing with him, and if he doesn't know where he's going to be in a year, or five years, or if he'll ever settle anywhere...

He tells her he's actually been thinking, with everything that's happened recently, about being a detective for real. He can't be a cop, but he can be a PI... Not without Gus, though, which means moving home and setting up shop in Santa Barbara. "I do want this to be a real thing, Jules, you and me. It would have to be long-distance, at least for now, but..."

She dimples suddenly, looking up at him. "I think we've proven we can do long-distance, Shawn."

#THERE we go #psych #shules #Shawn Spencer #juliet o'hara #Henry Spencer #ask games #covid mention #quarantine cw #why bless your heart #thank you for this!#it hit just the right spot of Late-Night Creativity last night to get LONG so...#have an entire outline! :P #hopefully this works now #long post #(might add a readmore later)

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tylerwritez · 3 years ago

Text

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪 like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

#JudeJournals

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ppatpranss · 4 years ago

Text

GAYA SA PELIKULA EP 01 Review.

Is it even possible to already love a show so much before it even aired? It’s like craving for a food or yearning for a product you’ve never tried before. But you strangely feel so strongly for it, which is exactly what Gaya Sa Pelikula did to me.

As a fan of Juan Miguel Severo since his On the Wings of Love stint and having watched and loved his film Hintayan ng Langit, I have such high respect for him as a writer and artist. So when he started pitching the idea of a boy’s love (BL) series in the Philippines, I was already drawn to it even if I have a specific reservation for the genre and its economics (a conversation for another day). I pretty much lowkey followed the show’s development from its first pitch, the screenplays released on Wattpad, Direk JP Habac being announced as the director, Ian and Paolo being introduced as the leads, the processes in between, and everything all the way to its trailer.

The thing is, it’s so weird feeling involved in a project that’s not really yours or was not a part of. But Gaya and all the love surrounding it took me by storm. I was really nervous last Friday while waiting for its pilot, already bracing myself for a possible disappointment (you see, I’m quite the pessimist) just in case. But you know what? You shouldn’t doubt anything that is made with so much love. Gaya Sa Pelikula is exactly that and its pilot episode is brimming with it.

[WATCH EPISODE 01 HERE]

youtube

SCENE BY SCENE – EPISODE 01.

1 – The dance.

The show opens with a narration, “do you ever feel like you’re not the protagonist of your own story?” We see a gazebo lit up and two men slow-dancing, but we only see Karl’s (Paolo Pangilinan) face as he continues to talk about how it often feels like he’s a Janus character – that even if Joross or Ketchup plays the part, it doesn’t really make a difference. The script is written so there’s nothing you can do about it. As they continue to dance, Karl asks him if he feels the same way. To which, he said yes. In agreement, Karl said that he’d like to someday write or have a story he can call his own. The man then replied that he, too, would like to have his own story, specifically adding, “but I want to be in charge of the ending, too.”

Even if we don’t see Vlad’s (Ian Pangilinan) face, we all know it’s him that Karl is dancing with in this sequence. I found this opening scene very intriguing partly because it looked like a dream, and mostly because the conversation voiceover feels like it did not exactly happen on this specific scene. Having read the available screenplay on Wattpad, my instant assumption is to think of it as having a connection with Vlad’s old flame, Aldous, but it feels like a stretch for now because the trailer at least did not show him as having this much influence in their story. Besides, the Wattpad screenplays are a fictionalization of the accounts of what happened to Karl and Vlad over the sem break as told by an unreliable narrator in Karl. Hence, the Aldous factor isn’t exactly feasible for now.

So for now, I’m only going to take it as it is. I loved watching all of the emotions playing on Karl’s face especially in his eyes. His eyes were totally focused on Vlad, and in that moment you can see him slowly realizing that the person he’s been looking for is right in front of him. It is a gaze of someone who loves and a gaze given only to a beloved. The feeling consumes you so much that all you’re really left with is courage. Now that it fills up your chest, what are you going to do with it to take charge of your own story?

2 – tyl and attractions.

Karl and Vlad’s first interaction is through a loud music that prevents him from concentrating on a job that he’s been working on. It’s such a nuisance that he can’t help but go out of his unit to ask Vlad to turn down the music. Unexpectedly so, the door was open, and he saw him drunkenly dancing to tyl (by kakie). Instead of ‘seen,’ I feel like the right word to describe it was Karl being transfixed by this person so enveloped by his own world. He’s not really sure what is up with him, but he cannot help but look because he was intrigued by him. Of course, Vlad is not very welcoming and even slammed the door on his face. He didn’t turn the music down anyway and Karl ended up dancing to it in his own unit.

For a show that pays homage to a lot of Filipino rom-com, I was actually surprised that this initial attraction feels lowkey and understated, and I loved it that way. I guess we’re all in agreement when I say that a lot of our romance films have these grand moment that instantly stirs a park between a would-be pair. With Karl and Vlad, it was about the gazes. Even the eye contact on the scene the following day for their second encounter involved eye-to-eye. Makes you think a lot about how love is really about seeing.

As for the song choice, I have always liked kakie’s tyl before this series, but this specific scene amplified my affection for it. It was mentioned by Gege though, in their interview with the reactors, that Vlad was specifically listening to the song as it relates to Aldous. It makes sense now. At this point, I’m starting to feel the impending doom of whatever the character will bring, but here’s to hoping he doesn’t take too much space in Karl and Vlad’s story.

3 – Karl and his parents

On a morning call with this parents, it’s evident that Karl comes from a loving family. Both of his parents are affectionate, openly telling him that they miss him. They also express that they’re proud of him for immediately earning money from his online writing gig. It’s obvious that they mean well for him and that they are doing this family tradition to help him be more independent and get to know himself. I suppose it’s worth noting that his dad had a bit of a swipe about his Tito Santi. He starts hinting that he spent more time meeting with men than looking for a job, but his mother cut him off. That is a good way to establish what can be a problem later on when Karl slowly starts to come to terms with his sexuality.

On one hand, I find hope in the fact that they seem to be loving and accepting people. Maybe there is hope that they will wholeheartedly accept Karl as he is, or at least, his mother will. Although I can’t help but feel how conflicted things will be once this comes together with his desire to shift to Film from Architecture.

4 – Cosmic connections

Above shot is my favourite from the pilot. I find that it tells us a lot about what is yet to come for Karl’s story. In the frame, Karl and Vlad are separated by a line (this was also discussed during the Direk Takes last Saturday). Karl is perched at a sofa reflected by a mirror and we see him stressed out and preoccupied by a problem he encountered because of his online job. On Vlad’s side of the frame, he is standing next to the three standout materials that best represents Karl: his film slate keychain, his architecture materials, and a poster of CINEMA PARADISO. Upon noticing, Vlad asks, “you like movies?”

That gets me. I love that the first thing that Vlad noticed about Karl is his interest in film, and this is something that connects them, albeit not yet known to Karl. Vlad is a film major (an info that is yet to be disclosed in the show, which I only know because of the screenplays). So going back to the frame, there is just so much weight on the film side now that Vlad is also in the picture, and obviously the scale is about to get tipped onto it.

5 – Ate Judit (no H) and the economics of a fake relationship

As Karl tries to check Vlad’s pants for the possibility that he might have taken something from his apartment, Vlad’s sister walked in on them in a compromising situation that obviously leads to a misinterpretation.

First off, Ate Judit’s moments were really hilarious. We seriously have a lot to thank for Adrienne Vergara for making sure that her character is a mouthpiece for progressive allyship and perspective, while making sure to bring in comic relief so as not to make the show too heavy or preach-y.

A lot of things happened in the last gap of this episode.

Judit at the very least knows about Vlad. She seems to be a cool sister, but an overbearing one too. While there’s good intention on her part to express her support for this brother’s sexuality and the fact that she ‘caught’ him the act with Karl, she couldn’t leave him alone for privacy matters. Although from an elder sister standpoint, I also understand the situation especially considering that there seems to be a conflict within the family. If it’s safe to assume that Vlad’s mom cannot accept him, Judit as the elder sister tries to compensate for it. I like this dynamic and I am really interested on how this can be developed.

On the other hand, Karl is stuck to witness all of these. Suddenly, he is being completely pulled into the world of his neighbor. Last night, it was just the music and the instant attraction. But today, he was there beside him, already being oriented into his family and life issues and all the mystery surrounding Vlad. All of the build-up to the last scene was extremely amusing. Suddenly there is chaos when Vlad and Ate Judit were fighting over a phone and Karl runs to the side clinging onto his laptop for dear life. Then Vlad was walking towards him and grabbing his waste, telling his sister he’s in love with him, and calling him pancake. Vlad whispered the magic words, ‘I’ll pay for your rent this month’ and it’s enough for Karl to turn things around and tells Ate Judit, “yes, ate, we’re in love with each other.”

In true rom-com fashion, things are set. A fake relationship has been established, but I love that it is not for a petty reason as making someone else jealous or anything (though that would be fun, too). In this instance, economics is involved because the motivation for Karl’s choice is money. He needed the money not only to pay for rent, but also to prove to his parents that he is indeed capable. I think it speaks so much about the things we do not really want but had to swallow to compromise. In real life, you sometimes trade so much of your beliefs and dignity to secure a job or to earn money for your family. For the LGBTQIA+ community, as a minority group, this means needing to accept what is set aside for them—of being grateful for something small even when they deserved more, because the next job might not come if one resists.

So, it feels like such a proud moment seeing the closing remark at the end, we will take back our story. As you should.

6 – Epilogue

As Unti-Unti by UDD plays, we see Karl and Vlad in the living room. Karl is seated on the couch, while Vlad is standing a few feat away while drinking (what I assume to be) coffee. Both of them are laughing at whatever they’re watching, but then you also see them fidgeting, especially Karl. It’s obvious that they are aware of each other’s presence. At one point, Karl straightens up and glances down a little at his hands. Vlad does the same. Mirroring :)

Comments; What do I look forward to?

This specific gif is not from episode 1. It is lifted from the trailer.

This is really one of the best pilots I’ve seen in Philippine TV. It is fast paced, but also knows when to take a breath and let the elements settle in. It lays the groundwork in 20 minutes so smoothly – something that would take some shows halfway the series, or several weeks of episodes for teleseryes. All of the elements just comes together. The editing is on-point, with really good transitions and just the right amount of filler ease the viewer into the more emotionally stirring scenes. The music is not intrusive at all, finding just the right spots to highlight certain scenes. The scoring during Vlad and Karl’s kapkapan scene was made extra enjoyable because of that sort-of funky tune. Even the opening theme is so good, I sometimes find myself humming it in my head. Plus, that apartment and the overall set design is gorgeous. They’re mostly earthly tones, dominated by yellow and brown (at least in this episode) that just makes everything feel warm.

I know that this will sound biased, but I did like both of Paolo and Ian’s performances. I came into the show, of course, with a knowledge of their past acting experiences so the scale to which I measure their performances are relevant to that. I appreciate Ian’s overall veracity to make Vlad come alive. Even with a limited screentime on the first episode, he’s already coming on strong and Ian made sure that his presence is felt. Paolo did a good job as a newbie actor. I think it helps that his character is quite awkward and kind of innocent, so everything just works. I especially liked the shine in his eyes that just shows the innocence of Karl. And while I find that there’s still a lot he can improve on, especially in terms of line delivery and nuances, I think that he can eventually learn this through workshops for the next season. What’s important is he can hold his own ground.

The pilot episode really reminds me a lot of how fast rom-coms establish their stories at the first part of a movie. Several characters pop up to help the two leads build tension. Certain circumstances come up to somehow push them towards each other, often a sticky situation that they can’t easily escape from so then they would need each other. While most viewers will find these cliché and typical, that is exactly the intention. It just so happened that this time, two guys are at the center of it instead of the hetero-normative conventions of a male and female lead.

All things considered, as a rom-com, I am excited to discover if I would really end up shipping Karl and Vlad. I know for a fact that Ian and Paolo have intense chemistry. This is evident in the trailer, and even in real life, they just have such a good connection together. After watching a lot of their interviews since the pilot, one thing that really struck me is when they started talking about whether they ship the characters in the show. Thankfully, both of them said that they do so I remain optimistic for that.

The reason that I find this interesting is because I am reminded again that as much as this show is a passion project and an advocacy, it is also a story about two people falling in love. I would very much love to swoon over an on-screen couple any time, but it matters to me more to see how they arrived at the realization. I want to see what made Karl and Vlad interested in each other romantically over the course of the sem break. I expect the show to really explore this organically and lead us to see what makes them work as a couple – a couple that we can all root for. There is an obvious hint of coming-of-age for both of them, so I am interested in how they affect each other’s personal growth and how they also work on themselves individually. I expect nothing less from Severo in this regard and given that both Paolo and Ian ships Karl and Vlad, I guess it’s safe to say that I can, too, for now.

Gaya Sa Pelikula airs new episodes every Friday 8PM (Manila time) on Globe Studio’s Youtube channel.

#gaya sa pelikula #like in the movies #ian pangilinan #paolo pangilinan #pangpang #pinoy bl #filipino web series #filipino bl #boys love #juan miguel severo #jp habac #gsp review #owned

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retrorealeyes · 4 years ago

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Here’s why I want my parents dead /hj

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like I know hating your parents if they aren’t overtly abusive (and even if they are it’s only mildly) like bruh, tempted to list out my parents “abuse” here. also like bruh, i’m fine rn, i’ve just been hating them for a while

This isn’t fully everything ever, it’s just an overview and I don’t think it touches the main problems enough (also I don’t give a lot of examples because there’s too many and I don’t have the will to write em all,and i’ve still overviewing everything)

-never respect my wishes if it goes against theirs (e.x. please leave me alone, can i go outside?, can I leave and go upstairs?)

this is a big one

-don’t respect my privacy (in weird ways too, like my dad opening the door to scare me when i’m changing) and making fun of it too

plus in normal ways like reading my journals or never knocking no matter how many times i tell them to

-making fun of me on purpose to get me upset, even when i ask them to stop

-getting suddenly and violently angry (dad):

often unreasonably and quickly

my dad curses people out under his breath, as a sign he’s going to get violent

has broken things, SUCH AS MY WHOLE ASS PHONE by throwing it on the ground does punch things, generally not people, e.x. walls, but not that hard. he has punched me

DOES to people- slap, push (this one especially, just last week he did), throw, scratch

is destructive to other’s property (e.x. ripping up THEIR papers)

refuses to listen to suggestions like, in the future, trying to calm down, or writing out his anger instead or seeking therapy

been like this towards me since i was 6-7 years old

it can escalate from anything

will degrade you and insult you, if you ever say anything back (even in a non-angry situation, will grow even angrier/get very angry)

makes you feel awful

can last for hours and never accomplishes anything apart from further degrading yourself

if you don’t give the exact answer he wants, will get even angrier

I’m obviously terrified of him

Swears at me, except they censor me so much they could probably kill me if I ever swore so that exacerbates the fear of it

after the fact continuosly denies it

-my dad also:

always demands respect

always plays the victim and complains about how we dislike him

never admits his mistakes

is awful to my little sister, randomly, even when she’s being perfectly fine

-my mother and father’s relationship

they openly and mean to each other. they never display affection and joke about divorcing

sometimes dad yells at mom for a while, it’s obvious he thinks he’s superior to her and belittles her intelligence

they are sometimes violent, but not often, and not overtly, more violent towards objects than each other when fighting with each other

they do get in fights often (see: my dad’s belief in his superiority)

-openess with them

there is none. they constantly criticize any self expression, make all subjects taboo, get angry over nothing and overall make me terrified of talking to them, then get all sad about “why don’t you tell us“ but if I try to express anything, even if they don’t get angry, they’ll store it in their heads and then later keep using it against me. “You said we were bad parents, do you not want to eat our food?“ “You said you were unmotivated, you don’t even have a reason to be sad.“ (said in an challenging, mean way)

-my self esteem

-my dad, physically (TO BE CLEAR I don’t think my dad in any way in trying to do anything sexual, i’m just saying he never respects my boundaries and here are some things he thinks are “perfectly fine” that he does, also this might be a bit disconnected sounding, i’m just so tired

commenting on my weight/appearance (mom too)

commenting on what i’m wearing, especially teasing me if it’s something out of the usual, as if i’m not insecure enough already

dictating what i wear if they don’t like what i’m wearing

commenting (negatively) on my mom’s weight a lot (to be fair, they both joke about being old and him balding and a little about him being fat so this one isn’t as bad apart form the fact that i’m skinnier so he “jokes” a lot about how i’m like a skinnier version of her)

fatso called the girl in the video

forces me to hug and kiss him, often only giving my phone back or treats luke donuts if I kiss him, even if I’ve expressed i’m uncomfortable (just does this a lot and i hate it)

-the past

have yelled for me for no reason since i was young

i don’t remember ever liking my dad (wait, before 6 years of age i remember liking him and before I was 9 i remember not hating him at all times)

i continously try to trust them again, then they break me

they were never open with me and taught me to be ashamed of myself which led to bad social relations later, which i’m only now breaking out of

-confiscation and lack of trust

always taking my stuff so i can’t rely on what they’ll black mail me with, no “excuse” is valid to keep it (ex. I want to communicate w/friends or I LITERALLY HAVE INSOMNIA AND CAN’T SLEEP WITHOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC); during my worst days, when I was really suicidal i remember not having my phone for a long time which led to me being left behind and further isolating myself which, y’know spiralled

I can go on and on about how they never value my voice but i’m sort of running out of steam

they also never trust my statements, always cast me as the cause-r of something (luckily they’re fair and don’t punish me for it if I insist I didn’t do it, but the fact i have to really advocate for my innocence and am constantly suspected just is not great, and even jokingly, i hate attention, their attention)

There’s more but i think i’m done for now

-constantly bother me (i know this is nitpicking, i’m just trying to get everything out, and some of these have more layers than i’m willing to express)

intentionally sabotaging

even if i ask them to go away

try to annoy me when ever i see them, even if i’ve asked them not too, and really make me avoid everything even more (you have to go through where they usually are to get out and that means y’know what)

singing

yelling and stepping loudly (which makes me scared my dad is mad all the time)

always teasing and judging

-mother dearest

very aggressive

VERY controlling

generally boring

always invades privacy, more of a nosy person, but, in a way, better than dad

she can get violent too and screams but it’s less often but can get very intense sometimes, generally it’s more of taking away my stuff and telling me to give up (which, the telling me to give up, my dad does too)

-lack of independence

THIS ONE IS HUGE. my parents are very controlling and so even a little freedom excites me and they use my lack of experience as a sword against me, and that makes it eve harder for me to do anything when I’m constantly fighting restrictions and my brains can’t distinguish bad restrictions from schoolwork restrictions

-shitty world view

just a bad biased view of the world, i really don’t want to elaborate, beyond the general sense they deserve to be respected for being parents a conservative-type view, also don’t have basic sense of morality, as in sympathy, for everyone, and instead do the whole us|them thing with their politics, the only problem is that we’re immigrants which is why they vote democrat

-grandparents

are visiting, they are also unhygienic, to always be obeyed, generally judgemental, and intentionally old, and taking up both of my rooms, overall i don’t like any of them, my father’s mom is alright though

-generally shaming me

And otherwise everything is generally going to shit, my social life (though I saved it somewhat for ONE person), my mental/emotional health, my exercise, motivation for anything, just the way the house is set up, my grandparents are here, how i’m doing in school.

I should write the thesis and really flesh this out well but I’ll tell you what: ultimately my parents are selfish people who don’t consider me my own entity but more as themselves and my achievements combined. ANd even if you love me, which I don’t doubt, I don’t have to love you back, and that doesn’t excuse your shittiness, dad. I fucking hate you. (yes. i’m grateful for the money, house, generally not obviously abusive childhood, food, stuff, bed, phone, etc. you have provided, but that doesn’t cancel out your misdeeds, it just coexists next to it)

Like is it SO bad for me to blame SOME of my issues with them? BUT NO if I ever bring up how they did x so i did y. I did y ON PURPOSE to UPSET THEM and i can’t hold them accountable, i’m just blaming them, even if I’m genuinely trying to explain my issues the way I understand them.

idr if you can edit tumblr documents, and even if you can, i’m not going to, i’ll just add to this with comments, to preserve the integrity, not that anyone will or should read this, but i’ll probably come back to it

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strayycarrot · 5 years ago

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Dancing in the Rain - Chapter 3 (Seventeen Dino X reader)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Words: 2323

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: none

Notes:The end of this is so cute, I was barely able to write it. I hope the sweetness doesn’t give y’all a toothache.

“See? I told you I could make it to your dorm and back without dying”.

You have no idea why you’re texting him again. But you just can’t stop thinking about him. At least before you met him you didn’t have memories of him talking to you, smiling, touching you haunting your every waking moment. And now it’s his fault that you can’t fall asleep.

“You got lucky. That proves nothing.”

“Why the hell are you awake?? It’s 3am!”

“I could ask you the same question”.

“You’ve got a busy schedule, I don’t!”, you explain.

“You still need sleep”. Why? On earth? Does he care?

“I can’t ok. There’s too much going through my head right now”.

“Tell me”.

You hesitate. You can’t tell him that he’s the reason. But if you’re being honest, there are plenty of other things that are keeping you awake.

“Mostly I’m just worried about my brother”, you admit. “I haven’t heard from him in a while”.

“Oh? How old is your brother? Are you two close?”

“Yeah. He’s only my half-brother but we grew up together. He’s 7 so I feel like I practically raised him. The reason I moved here to live with my mom is that I got into a huge fight with my dad and he pretty much threw me out.”

You stare at the long text you just sent, already regretting opening up to Dino. You don’t know him that well and you’re not sure how he’ll react.

“Do you have any reason to believe that your brother isn’t safe?”

“No!”, You hurriedly reply. “I’m sure he’s fine. It’s just that he’s been getting bullied a little at school and I can’t protect him from that over here. He’s deaf but dad wanted him to go to a regular school. I’m just not sure it’s good for him.”

You think about your brother. Just because he can’t hear the other kids laugh at him doesn’t mean he isn’t aware of what’s going on. You remember how upset he was that one time when he came home from school. He’s always been fine at home since you and your dad know sign language, but you know that it’s hard for him to feel so alone, so different, so excluded when he’s around ignorant hearing people.

“Is your dad not helping him? Bullying is a serious issue and I understand that you’re a little worried.”

You smile. It’s just like Dino to willingly give up his sleep to listen to your problems and do his best to help you.

“I just hope he’s ok. He hasn’t been replying to my texts.”

“Have you tried sending your dad a message?”

You frown, thinking about your last interaction with your dad.

“I’d rather not. He hates me.” You hope Dino won’t ask you to elaborate.

“I’m sure that’s not true”.

You shake your head.

“You don’t understand”.

“Then help me understand! I want to be there for you”.

“Why?” It doesn’t make sense to you. He just met you, yet he’s being a better friend than any of your other friends ever have been. Why would he even want to be your friend?

“Why not? From what I can tell you’re an amazing person. If this is keeping you up at night, you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.”

You sigh. How do you deserve him in your life?

“My dad caught me kissing my friend. I didn’t think he was homophobic, but apparently I was wrong. I never knew how to tell him that I’m bi, and now I know that I was right to be afraid”.

“I’m sorry he reacted so badly. I bet that was very difficult to go through. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at”. You smile as you read his message. You never told anyone before, even your mom doesn’t know why you and your dad were arguing. It feels good to read those words.

“Thank you Dino. That’s exactly what I needed to hear”. You cringe at your word choice because obviously you can’t hear a text message. But you’re sure he understands what you mean. You think about what it would be like if he was there with you right now, sitting on your bed in the dark and saying those comforting words out loud.

“I’m here for you. Even if I can’t help much. Please know that you can always talk to me. I’m pretty busy most of the time but I’ll make time for you whenever I can”.

You roll your eyes. He needs to stop being so selfless.

“Just go to sleep already. I’ll be ok.'' And you know you will be. Somehow, whenever you’re talking to Dino, the world looks just a tiny bit brighter.

It’s Saturday, and you’re bored out of your mind. Your mom is working - in her world, weekends don’t exist - so you wrack your brain trying to come up with something useful that you can do, something that will distract you from the fact that Dino hasn’t texted you since that night.

Deciding that it’s time to stop staring at your phone, you put on an old t-shirt and some cut-off shorts and take the bus to the garden center. Your mom’s yard is bare and you love flowers, so you decide there’s no better way to spend your last Saturday before school starts planting flowers for your mom. After all, you live here now, so you have every right to add some splashes of color to the yard.

You walk through the aisles of the garden center with a huge smile on your face. You stop in front of a yellow rose and bend over to smell the flower. Your eyes are closed. Birds are chirping somewhere close by. It’s still wet and a little fresh since it’s early in the day, but the sun feels nice on your face.

The noise of a camera taking a photo has you open your eyes and turn around. Your eyes find Dino’s. He slowly lowers his camera and flashes you a bright smile.

“Hey, you’re supposed to be taking pictures of me!”

Jun is standing several feet to your left, posing with another flower.

“Sorry”. Dino turns and snaps a picture of Jun.

You know you should probably leave them alone, but you can’t help being curious. You walk towards where they are looking at the photos together now.

“Can I see?”, you ask. You take the camera out of Dino’s hands and quickly flip through the photos until you get to the next-to-last one. It’s so zoomed in that you can’t even see Jun. You lean your head to the side. You look happy in the photo, carefree. You frown when you realize that your outfit is a lot more casual than theirs.

“Uh, could I please have my camera back?” You look up.

“Oh, right”. You hand the camera back to Dino and for a split second, your fingers brush his. You blush and look at him. Your eyes meet and you can’t look away.

Suddenly, Jun clears his throat.

“Dino? I have to go.”

Dino doesn’t move.

“Go ahead, I’ll meet you later.” You watch his lips move while he talks. Why does he have to be so freaking hot?

You blink and take a step back. You shove your hands in your pockets.

“If you have to go, you-“

“-oh, no! It’s okay. I don’t have to go yet”, he interrupts. You nod. Silence spreads between the two of you. You both start speaking at the same time, then stop and laugh.

“You first”, he says.

“What are you doing here?”, you ask. This is the last place you expected to run into him.

“We were shooting a video nearby and me and Jun were just taking some photos for instagram.”

You shake your head. You never thought it was this easy to run into idols around here.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you. Why did you just leave like that?” Ah. The time you went to his dorm. You still don’t know why he tried to stop you from leaving.

“I didn’t want to bother you.” You shrug. Did he really think you were that obsessed with him?

“You would never bother me!”

“I’m just a fan.” A fan who knows to respect his privacy. A fan who is very aware of how kind he is and would never take advantage of that.

“You are?” He smiles.

You cross your arms.

“Of course I am!”

“So what are you doing here?” The abrupt change of topic takes you by surprise.

“I just wanted to buy some flowers I could plant in the garden.”

He pushes his hair back and grins. He’s like literal sunshine and you can’t help but feel warm standing this close to him. You watch his chest move with every breath he takes. Bad thoughts pop into your head and you try to stop staring.

“That sounds fun! Would you like some help?”

You tell yourself to say no, try to convince yourself that he’s only being nice. But it doesn’t work. You can’t dismiss the opportunity to spend more time with him.

You take a deep breath and look straight into his eyes.

“On one condition”, you say as you grab his hand and pull him back towards the plants.

“You let me cook you a meal to thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“Deal”, he says. He squeezes your hand and lets go. “How about that one?” He points at the Lilies. You nod. They’re close to blooming. Excitement bubbles in your chest as you imagine the beautiful colors that are going to fill the yard soon.

The two of you walk around and show each other all kinds of flowers. Dino grabs an abandoned cart and begins to fill it up while listening to your happy chatter.

“I had a bunch of flowers on the balcony back in Paris. We didn’t have a garden but it was fun to take care of the plants. It gave me something to look forward to every day. It made life a little less bland.” You sigh. “I wish I could have taken them with me.”

Dino flashes you a smile.

“You’re getting new ones now. It sounds like a great hobby. It seems to make you very happy.”

You make me very happy, you think. But obviously you don’t say that out loud. You just stare ahead and try, unsuccessfully, not to blush. He’s walking right next to you and you can feel him stare. It feels surreal to have his attention focused on just you.

He clears his throat. You whip your head around and regret it immediately. He’s just too perfect. You can’t figure out what he gets out of spending time with you.

“You have other friends, right?”, you ask.

He frowns.

“What kind of a question is that?”

You shrug.

“I was just wondering why you’re here with me instead of them.”

“Ah.”

It takes him some time to answer.

“You’re new here and your mom isn’t around much. I didn’t want you to be alone.”

“So you just feel bad for me?” You knew it.

He stops in his tracks and touches your shoulder.

“No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

You shake your head and start walking again, making a beeline towards the checkout register.

“Let’s just forget about it.”

The two of you get to your house, arms loaded with bags, an hour later. You direct Dino to the first flower bed you want to tackle. Then you fetch the tools you need from the shed while Dino takes the flowers out of the bags.

You work together, mostly in silence. It feels great to feel the dirt in your hands again. Something about working with nature just makes you feel at peace, no matter what else is going on in your life.

After you’re done, you turn on the hose to spray off your hands. You realize too late that Dino has come up behind you. Faster than you thought possible, he reaches around you and grabs the hose, turning the spray right in your face. You screech and chase him, laughing,until you finally manage to corner him against the wall. He turns off the hose and holds up his hands, pleading for mercy. You just wink and grab the hose. But before you can turn it back on he tackles you and both of you fall onto the grass, a tangle of limbs. At this point you’re sure that your neighbors can hear your laughter. You want to hold onto him forever, but before you know it he jumps up and reaches out a hand to help you get up as well.

“Thirsty?”, you ask, mostly to diffuse the tension but also because your throat is suddenly dry.

“Sure.”

You leave Dino outside to grab some drinks. When you return he’s laying on his back, eyes closed, face relaxed. You hand him his soda and sit in the grass beside him, legs crossed. You look up at the blue sky and the trees around the property swaying gently in the breeze.

“It’s a beautiful day.” Dino’s bangs fall into his eyes. You lean forwards and sweep them back, careful not to touch him too much. Before you can lean back, he grabs your hand and places it against his cheek. Your eyes widen but you don’t move. You hold your breath and time seems to stand still.

Your phone vibrates in your back pocket. You shake yourself out of your trance and fish it out. Your eyebrows draw together in confusion when you see who has texted you.

“What’s wrong?”, Dino asks. He sits up.

You look up at him. Worry has replaced the smile on your face.

“It’s my dad”, you say, voice shaking. “My brother is missing.”

#fanfiction #kpop fanfiction #seventeen #dino #seventeen dino #seventeen dino fanfiction #lee chan #dino fluff #seventeen fluff

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some-cookie-crumbz · 6 years ago

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HI Crumbz, I was wondering if you have any married kidge hcs? (I say it every day but I just love the way you write about these two

NOEHNRAWOEN BLUW;E!!! Oh My Lanta do I ever!!! I’m gonna have to put this under a read more because it got Hella long!

These are all Married-Before-Children headcanons, so if youwant Kidge-as-Parents, a part two will need to be done! >:3c

First things first, they designed the house together.

· Being universe-saving Paladins of Voltron kindaearns them some free stuff. Which includes getting to either select a home thatis currently available or taking a plot of land to build on. They decide to start from scratch and have their home built from the ground up specifically for them.

For Keith, it’s about making his own foundation – both physicallyand emotionally – for the future he wasn’t sure he’d get to have.

· I mean, he’s married to the literal smartestbeing in the universe who loves him because he’s just him? And they get to betogether, out of danger and safe? Sign him right the fuck up, my friend!

For Pidge, it’s about having a place to call not only her own,but their own.

· Most of their lives, they’ve been kinda livingin spaces – or literally space - that were lent to them, and that has alwaysbeen kinda jarring for Pidge.

· Like, the Garrison dorms? Not really theirs.

· Their rooms on the Castle of Lions? Kinda closerto being their own space/s, but it was still kinda under theYou-Are-Paladins-And-Need-A-Place-To-Rest kinda deal.

· The house, though, will be all theirs. It willbe Pidge’s space, and Keith’s space, and just generally their space. No moreworrying about having someone else walk in on their private moments. No moreworrying about Hunk hijacking her tools to use. No more worrying about Lancestarting up a pissing match with Keith while he’s trying to train. No moreblaring emergency alarm. They can just exist together holy shit

In the time between, they live with Pidge’s parents.

· Colleen and Samuel are respectful of theirboundaries but they encounter some of the same issues involving privacy as withthe Castle of Lions.

· Also, the sex life? Yeah, that ain’t happenin’when the in-laws are just one door over and can hear when the motion of theocean starts a rockin’.

· Other than that, Keith likes getting to knowmore about Colleen and Sam, as well as watching Pidge squirm when they share embarrassingstories. He likes having an extended family as fun as the Holts, ngl.

The house design is pretty simple, with a generous amount ofrooms and space.

· It’s technically two stories but also has abasement because these two are hyper-cautious about having plenty of space.

· They have two garages; one for regular cars andone for the Lions. Yes, I said Lions. Keith is piloting something before the end of Season 6 and anyone who disagrees can fight me -

· They also get a fireplace because Keith has fondmemories of roasting marshmallows with his Dad and Pidge can’t deny her mansomething sentimental.

· They have a generous living room with anadjacent work room with both their computers, desks and filing cabinets in it.The dining room table is also in the work room because they’re both workaholicsand figure it makes the most sense to put it there.

· They have a quaint little kitchen with all newappliances – and they are all stainless steel at Pidge’s insistence – and acute little breakfast nook to go with.

· They have one master bedroom, five bedrooms, andthree bathrooms. They select this much space specifically for familyget-togethers/ visits from the other Paladins.

Keith does all the interior decorating. Pidge doesn’t reallycare much for that stuff and she actually really likes the colors and patterns and such Keith ends updeciding to go with. She even likes the goofy, old-style Saturday Morning Pressportraits he hangs in the living room, as tacky and outdated as they are.

The regular garage becomes Pidge’s hands-on workplace andKeith is totally cool with that.

· Keith and Pidge agree that she isn’t supposed todo particularly high-risk experiments when she’s home alone.

· One time, he left for a diplomatic mission withthe Coalition for two days. When he returned, the entire inside of the garagewas torched and required -near-complete rebuilding. Like, even the tools were meltedinto nothing!

· “Pidge, how did you even…?”

· “I think it’s better you don’t know.”

· “… Yeah, you know what? Forget I asked.”

The two of them are just naturally good at co-existing and docute shit without even realizing it.

· Pidge could be working on something in thegarage and Keith will just slip in and get comfy with a book on the littlecouch she keeps in there for him.

· Keith can be working on something at his deskand Pidge will come out and settle the back of her desk chair against the backof his and pull out a journal or handheld game with the volume off.

· They can be on the couch sitting next to eachother watching television and within twenty minutes they end up snuggled upunder the little throw blanket they keep draped along the back of the couchwithout a word or acknowledgement.

· Sometimes they’ll settle in and just listen tomusic and do basic, pleasure-tasks in the same room and just enjoy thecomfortable ambiance between them.

· Additionally, they don’t mind doing things inrooms separate, either. Sometimes Pidge will be working in the garage and Keithwill be working out in the basement and there’s no tension or stress aboutbeing apart.

They are pretty even about splitting the chores andhousework.

· They take turns making meals. Keith mostly makesbreakfast, though, and Pidge mostly makes dinner, just because of their wake-uphabits.

· They take turns with the dishes in that whoevercooks the meal doesn’t have to do the dishes afterwards. Whoever starts thedishwasher doesn’t have to unload it, though, just to make it fair in that regard too.

· Keith takes care of most of the yard work. Pidgedid her stint with the Nature Thing, she doesn’t need more. Plus, Keithfinds nature peaceful, so he actually enjoys the task and takespride in how their yard is kept. He maybe starts a little garden after theirfirst child is born and old enough to toddle around but that’s neither here northere just saying

· Pidge takes care of any/all repairs to thingsaround the house in regards to technology/appliances/stuff of that ilk.

· Pidge cleans the bathroom as well as mops thefloor in the kitchen. Keith vacuums their room and the front two rooms.

· They do the laundry together. One of them startsit, the other switches, and they work together to fold and put it all away.

Okay, now to get to some of the more Romance-Centric CoupleStuffs.

· Keith is an absolute morning person, so henormally gets up early and goes for a jog. Pidge wakes up briefly to whineabout him leaving because she was enjoying the company and warmth, thank youvery much, but he just kinda laughs her off. He’ll typically come back, take ashower, make coffee and start breakfast, and bring Pidge her cup to coerceher out of the comforter cocoon she has made for herself.

Pidge likes to occasionally slip into the gymwhen Keith’s working out and pretend like their strangers and just openly flirtwith him. He low-key adores it and plays along.

“Hey there, beautiful. Come here often~?”

“Can I help you, Miss?”

“You can help me by giving me those digits, hotstuff~!” *winks with left eye*

“Excuse me, I am a happily married man.”

“What your wife don’t know won’t hurt her~!”*winks with right eye*

· Date nights for them are typically low-key funstuffs. They make practical use of the fireplace to make popcorn or roasted marshmallowsfor s’mores while they watch movies or play video games or other things like that.

· Some nights they’ll make more complicated mealstogether and sit at the dinner table and pretend they’re at some ritzy restaurantbecause they’re just two stupid dorks in love. They’ll sometimes move to theliving room and use the fireplace for chocolate fondue – the pot was a weddinggift from Hunk – and have wine.

· The fireplace might also be phenomenal moodlighting for nights where they’re feeling a little frisky~! ;3c

· They’re both cuddly af. Keith tends to go to bedbefore Pidge, so normally he’ll wake up with her arms and legs splayed over hisback and legs respectively, face pressed into the spot between his shoulders. Shegets super mumbley and whiny when he moves to get up. On the rare occasionswhere Pidge goes to bed first, she wakes up with Keith pulling her so herback is against his chest, his arms looped around her waist and his facenuzzled into the top of her hair.

Keith and Pidge came to a mutual agreement that Sunday mornings are for sleeping in, no ifs ands or buts about it, and it’s actually both of theirs favorite day of the week. It’s Keith’s favorite cause there’s something nice about sleepy pillow talk with the Missus about all the nothing they’ll be doing that day, while it’s Pidge’s favorite because sleepy Keith is an adorable sight she doesn’t get nearly often enough.

· They’re both just… so affectionate in privatebecause they feel so damn comfortable being themselves with each other!

I think that’s everything for now that I had in my mind!WHIOSDFJIBSSDAS HOPEFULLY IT WAS ALL GOOD!!!

#crumbles grumbles #Thank you so much for the question! x3 #I have been wanting to gush about this for so long!!#I think these two would just be such Relationship Goals imho #ALSO NOIUWETB;aSJBEF;LIAWUET;PAWUE #YOU FLATTER ME WITH YOU LIKE OF HOW I WRITE THESE DWEEBS #Keidge #Kidge #Peith #Kidgemas #half baked headcanons

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remcase · 6 years ago

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Chapter 20

Being alone is very difficult -Yoko Ono

Silently, William stared down at the notebook on the table and tried to dredge up any semblance of a positive feeling but could find none. In bold on top of the notebook he had titled the page simply ‘College options’ but none of the colleges that had already accepted him brought him any sort of happiness, because he knew that Noah had applied to none of them. They hadn’t talked about it. William couldn’t bring himself to even say the words, because he didn’t want to say the word ‘apart,’ but they were running out of time. Even Evan was not his usual self, as he and Brittney already knew that they were going to be in different colleges, separated by a four hour drive. To Brittney he made a show of being overly enthusiastic, teasing her that all his gifts from Santa Claus would be gas money, but in private at night he confided his fears in William, wondering how they were going to afford to see each other, especially when he get a job and she was busy with her law degree. What was worse, he feared her finding someone smarter, and more suited to her field of study, and no matter what William said it just wasn’t enough to erase those fears and Evan just often fell asleep, too exhausted to think and talk about it further.

William wanted to divulge his own fears. It was the first time in his life he felt like he couldn’t talk to Evan about something, and he desperately wanted his best friend to support him as he figured out how he was going to protect his and Noah’s relationship from falling apart. It didn’t help that Noah had done what William feared the most, retreating back into himself just like he had before and becoming reclusive, and moody, and tired, and worryingly quiet…and no matter how much William tried to delicately press the issue Noah just didn’t want to talk about it, swinging between upset and happy at the drop of a hat. If it wasn’t so obvious that something was really, truly bothering him, William wondered how far his patience could stretch.

Sighing, William closed the notebook and stood from the table, intent on heading to Noah’s dorm room when he spotted his boyfriend slipping between two bookshelves, as thin and silent as a waif. He followed him.

If Noah noticed that he was being followed he didn’t react, and just walked deeper and deeper into the library before he stopped at the poetry section and eased a small yellow bound book off the shelf. When William reached his side Noah hardly glanced up from the book, flipping to a dog-eared page he seemed familiar with. “Do you read poetry?”

“No, not really.” William admitted, leaning against the shelves and breathing in the dark, dusty, book scented air. Hidden as they were, they could have been alone, entirely separate from the world around them.

“My Mom used to before she got sick.” Noah said quietly, holding the book open with one hand and tracing the words with the other, fingers trembling. “She used to read this book every day.”

No.

God, no.

“Noah…”

“I want to see her.”

Oh. Thank God.

“I’ll go with you. What hospital is she in?”

“When would we find the time?” Noah said, voice filled with soft anger. “We’re trapped in this fucking school. There’s no out, and he doesn’t want me to visit her because he thinks it’s unhealthy. And here, in this stupid fucking school, they’re just keeping us here until they make us leave, and then…then everything will be over.”

“Noah…”

“I’ve been thinking about us.” He said, eyes never moving away from the poetry book. “I don’t want to lose you, Will. I don’t want to ever be without you. I’ve been in the world, I’ve seen what it has to offer, and it’s nothing, nothing without you.”

“Noah I don’t want-”

“I’ve been unfair to you.” Noah cut over him, still not looking up from the goddamn book. “I practically forced you to be with me, William, and all I’ve done is make you miserable and sad and worry about the future. I made you feel like I do, every fucking day, and I know how fucking awful it feels. I’m…” He trailed off, his voice wavering. He took a moment to compose himself, catching the lone tear that escaped him with the side of his hand. “I’m sorry, Will.”

“I’m not.” William said fiercely, trying to get closer but when Noah stepped away he held his distance, aching inside. “You didn’t make me do anything, Noah! And I don’t care about the bad, I can take it with the good because it’s your bad, and your good, and I want to see every single part of you! I want to see every crack, every flaw, every dent, because I know, I fucking know that you’re still beautiful ok? Now please, come here. You’re scaring me.”

“I have something I need to do.” Noah said, and ripped out the poem he had been staring at, sliding the folded up piece of paper into his pocket and returning the book to the shelf. “I can’t stay here. I can’t bear it anymore, Will. I can’t be on my own in that dorm, I can’t fucking stand being alone.”

“I can get you moved! You can stay with me! Or I can switch with you, and you can stay with Evan or something! We can work this out, Noah.”

“I need to say sorry.” Noah said, completely ignoring him. “I need everyone to know that I’m sorry.”

“Noah, listen to me!” William’s heart was in his mouth as he grabbed Noah’s arm, clinging to it with all his might,, half assuring himself that he was there, and half desperate to hold him in place where he could see him. “You’re scaring me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I have to go, Will. Just let me go. We can talk another time. Later, maybe.”

“I’m coming to your dorm in two hours. We’re talking then, ok? We can work everything out. We can make things better, but we just need to talk. Promise me, Noah.”

Noah stared at him, something odd and foreign in his eyes before he reached up and kissed William fiercely, catching him unaware. He wasn’t sure if it was the emotions supercharged between them or the fact that he was so desperate to hold onto him, but William poured his everything into that kiss. It was a beautiful kiss, probably their best yet, and it was nothing more than a moment before Noah broke away and left him alone, standing in the poetry bookshelves of the library.

William practically ran down the hallway to Noah’s dorm room later that afternoon, after spending the rest of the afternoon in the library, just trying his best to keep his turbulent emotions in check as he attempted to respect Noah’s distance, privacy, and what he had asked of him. As he ran he passed by students but could hardly make out their faces in their haste, and it made the whole world feel foreign, cold, and unsure. How could everything be going so wrong?

Reaching Noah’s door William knocked loudly. “Noah? It’s me.”

There was no answer.

“Noah.”

Nothing.

William knocked again, gritting his teeth. “I’m just going to come in.”

Silence.

William opened the door, but there was no sign of his boyfriend, the dorm room dark in the late evening light. He left.

Trying to compress his emotions into a manageable size, William tore around the school, looking everywhere for Noah and finding him nowhere. The terrible sense of foreboding that he had been failing to ignore seized him with a vengeance and he hurtled back to his own dorm room, hoping Noah missed him and decided to wait for him there.

When he thrust open the door Evan was on his way out, but at the sight of William’s face concern immediately wiped away his smile and he pulled William inside the room, shutting the door behind him. His voice was low and urgent. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

“Noah…” William said, trying to catch his breath, wondering if the dampness on his face was sweat or tears. His throat wad too tight. He couldn’t speak.

Evan blinked, his concern deepening. “Is something wrong? Some man came here earlier with the head of the dorm looking for him too, said he was his Dad? He thought he might have been here with you, but when I said I didn’t know where you were, they left. Did something happen?”

“Evan-” William tried, but his voice cracked and he leaned on the wall, hanging his head and trying to understand what was happening, but was afraid to guess. Evan held onto his shoulders, physically supporting him. “William, talk to me, buddy. Breathe.”

William took a deep breath.

Two.

His voice was twisted with worry and filled with agony when he spoke.

“I think Noah is gone.”

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theangry-ace · 6 years ago

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currently playing: Ken ga Kimi

update 5

time for our resident haraguro(?) boi, Sakyo. tbh I’m not looking forward for his route at all bc I am absolutely fucking scared of anything close to yan. my kokoro is not strong enough for them. but I do like Sakyo in the drama cds, especially the momoyo tsuzuri one. he’s like the most gentle boi with a tendency to tease Kayo or anyone else, whether or not that’s what he intended to do or not.

WARNING: THIS BOI BROKE ME PLS HELP

so our boi Sakyo has two kind of face; one, the ‘normal’, a bit formal and proper personality he showed to others. the other is the 100% enraged, I-will-kill-you-slowly-bc-I-wanna-enjoy-killing-you type of thing. he has a bit of an anger issue as well that he does exactly nothing to hide if ppl mentioned them. his purpose in life is only to exact the revenge of some oni who attacked and murdered his entire family. Sakyo mentioned in the common route that he didn’t trust (or don’t like) Enishi and Suzukake. I suppose he didn’t like ppl who didn’t seem to be dependable.

after the whole merry joyride to Sunpu, Sakyo went to some cave which was rumored to gather a heck load of oni trying to do... something? IDK. but they had already cleared the cave and was on the way to Edo. back in Edo, Kayo’s dad put up a banquet for the six samurai who had been protecting his precious baby girl but Sakyo didn’t manage to be present. he was instead busy in his pursuit for Zantetsu, one of the oni who killed entire family. but unfortunately, Sakyo walked right into a trap and was surrounded by oni and he got away with a terrible wound on his arm (I don’t remember which but he did say it’s no biggie bc he use his sword in another). it was night when Kayo saw Yanohiko, a neighboring kid, was wandering around saying he was getting some water for a wounded samurai. after Kayo realized it was Sakyo, she took him to her room and somehow managed to hide a whole person for a long time in her own fucking room without her dad even noticed!!! what the heck dad like i respect that u respect ur baby girl’s privacy but a wHOLE GROWN ASS PERSON!!! IN UR FUCKING HOUSE!!! FOR MANY DAYS!!!!

and so while living incognito in a girl’s room, Yanohiko came by as well to play with Sakyo. dude is actually not 24/7 angry or thinking about revenge. he is quite gentle with Yanohiko and taught the boy to write and play goma (spinning top?). there is one goddamn funny scene when Kayo’s dad suddenly wanna talk with her and there’s nowhere to hide Sakyo so she shoved him into her futon and get in with him with his goddamn face between her legs lol. STILL THE DAD DIDN’T FUCKING NOTICE???? welp. eventually Sakyo heard about Zantetsu going to enter the tourney that was going to take place and he took off without telling Kayo, leaving her having to lie to Yanohiko whenever the boy asked for him. she managed to find him later when he was trying to get his family’s treasured sword, Hotarumaru, to be fixed/sharpened by a famous fixer(?). he was refused, though, for obvious reason that Sakyo just wanted to kill with his sword.

Kayo shared this with Suzukake who had been supplying her with the medicine for Sakyo and my son said he, too, gonna join the tourney. so she and Suzukake went to the tourney together to see Sakyo. they heard about Zantetsu (lol Suzu called him ojisan) being a merciless opponent and got worried when later Sakyo was to fight him. Sakyo showed some... I think some kind of arrest warrant or written right for him to ask for a duel to the death, for killing his father, mother and elder sister?? or something?? but since Sakyo having his arm still injured and his sword not fixed, he lost the match terribly. Suzukake and Kayo wanna see him at the back room where he was taken but got refused bc Sakyo was ‘desecrating the holy tourney ground with his selfish need to exact his revenge’ or something. Sakyo was to be dumped into jail but Enishi came by and after some ‘talking’ (remember; he is actually some big shot in the Edo castle), he promised that he will make sure Sakyo will be taken care of and would not be in jail.

Kimi -nice end-

all thanks to strings pulled by Enishi, Sakyo is free from being jailed. he met Kayo to tell her everything about his tragic past. when he was a kid (8yo I think), he had a terrible fever and was bedridden. this coincidentally made him hidden from a murdering oni who came for the entire Sagihara family, who he explained was the descendant of those who forged the Five Heavenly Swords. I could not get why the Sagiharas were killed, but Sakyo survived thanks to his nurse maid and incidentally inherited his family’s heirloom, the Hotarumaru. from the age of 12, he strive to become a samurai and would eventually hunt every oni he could find, but because Sakyo was defeated by Zantetsu in the tourney, Sakyo didn’t feel like he is worthy of such pride of his family’s name. he left it in a cave and determined to carry on life no longer as a samurai. Kayo, after hearing all these, understands the whole dilemma the dude is in, but she told him it’s not reason enough to leave behind what was precious to the memory of his family. convinced by her words, Sakyo and Kayo made their way to the cave where he left Hotarumaru and retrieve it. when he unsheathe it then, glowing orbs of light filled the dark cave like a real firefly. Sakyo was so ashamed that he almost abandoned the sword there and from then vowed to always carry it with him as if he was carrying his family on his shoulders. Kayo later convinced the sword fixer/sharpener(?) person to fix Hotarumaru.

after getting his sword back, he told Kayo he couldn’t let Zantetsu’s sin towards his family to go free so he left her one night with a letter he told her to open if he never returned. while he went for his supposed one-on-one duel, Kayo just can’t sit still waiting for Sakyo to come back. she went to follow him but met Kei on the way of his patrol. buddy told her to stay home while he grab some of his pals to help Sakyo. those pals turned out to be the rest of them samurai who went to Sunpu the other day! thankfully for that, Sakyo was saved by an ambush planned by Zantetsu. Tsuzumi was there as well as he was threatened with Nanae’s life he didn’t cooperate. in the end, Zantetsu is finally dead and Sakyo could then rest easy the revenge he was living for has ended.

in the after story, Sakyo married Kayo with the five samurai buddies became her real bridal escort procession to Sakyo’s home country of Yamashiro.

Kimi -another nice end-

not that different than the previous ending, but Kayo was there with her naginata to help with Sakyo instead of staying home. fortunately, she arrived when Zantetsu got done dead. later there was news regarding Sakyo wanting to return back to his home country and probably will not coming back, and everyone knew about Kayo’s relationship with Sakyo. they all asked if she’s going with him, or why she’s unbothered about him going away, but baby girl really didn’t know how to react. sure, they’re lovers, but Sakyo never told her what he planned to do in the future, or whether or not that involved her at all.

Kayo held another feast for her samurai friends and also doubles as a farewell to Sakyo but the dude came late and has no idea why ppl giving him a farewell party. Kayo noticed him looking angry and restless seeing how close the other samurai dudes with her. Sakyo later couldn’t sit still anymore and pulled her to talk alone. there he told her he has no plan on going home aside from a short trip to visit his family’s grave, and that he planned to open up a free shrine school (kinda like a private but small informal school) for kids like Yanohiko who got orphaned and not privileged enough for a basic education. Sakyo and Kayo promised to marry each other soon.

Ken -too terrible what the heck end-

Kayo still tried to convince Sakyo from acting on his revenge against Zantetsu. Sakyo got annoyed and angry bc of this, that he assaulted Kayo to show how much of a terrible guy he is in actuality. he part ways with her and supposedly never to see her again, but he found himself led by a mysterious force to a cave where the whole shits of Asakura trying to reincarnate Tadanaga. there was nothing there but an ominous looking sword called the Muramasa. Sakyo took it after hearing a woman’s ghostly voice lamenting about her unborn child. he immediately thought the ghost to be his dead sister who had returned to the Sagihara family due to her getting pregnant and wanted to stay close to her parents during the whole pre-natal care.

however unknown to Sakyo, it was a malevolent evil spirit which was leading him to find Zantetsu to murder him. he got drunk with the pleasure to kill and didn’t stop at just one person. he managed to kill 10 ppl in one night at Yoshiwara alone, and he wasn’t stopping anytime soon. Kayo actually met with Sakyo before going on his murdering rampage and he told her he had thrown away his Hotarumaru in a lake bc the evil spirits in Muramasa told him to. there was no doubt that the madman who was killing people in the night was Sakyo, the man that she loved. she asked the help of her samurai friends to stop Sakyo but things got much worst when Yanohiko became his victim. the boy just wanted to show Sakyo his spinning top.

eventually they figured out about the evil sword and thought they’d better try to separate Sakyo from it or kill him entirely. they went to the lake where Kayo heard Sakyo said he dumped Hotarumaru, thinking if there’s any humanity left in him, he might want to reunited with his family’s heirloom. unfortunately, in his clouded mind, Sakyo heavily injured Kayo and she succumbed to the wound despite whatever Suzukake tried to do. Sakyo decided to kill himself in a cave with some kind of explosive.

they met in the afterlife and thought to cross the Sanzu river together to... Heaven? but the evil sword reminded Sakyo how much of a sin he had committed, and that he belongs to Hell. Kayo decided to fall to the endless abyss with Sakyo for eternity. this is a terrible ending I hate it.

Ken -just as terrible end-

Kayo managed to stop Sakyo from killing Yanohiko but the dude fled after realizing what he was trying to do. Kayo figured out that he needed to be reunited with Hotarumaru so she went to the lake where he dumped it. Sakyo was there, but he has already made up his mind that nothing he could do would ever atone his sins so he jumped into the lake. Kayo follow suit and they woke up in the afterlife. they tried to cross the Sanzu river but Sakyo stopped halfway saying there’s a lot of angry ppl on the other side, not gonna let him into Heaven. they were the innocent lives he had murdered before. Kayo, on the other hand, didn’t see the angry souls but instead heard some familiar voices calling for her. Sakyo guessed it must have been her loved ones in the living world. he told her to follow the voice and lived a happy life for his behalf. Kayo woke up again surrounded by her panicky dad and her friends. they told her she was floating by the lake, but Sakyo’s body was nowhere to be seen.

the epilogue has Kayo wanting to pay respect to Sakyo’s victim’s graves.

HOOOO BOY I SURE AS FUCK DIDN’T ENJOY THESE KEN ROUTES ONE BIT WHO THE FUCK WROTE THEM I WANT TO SUE FOR THE EMOTIONAL DAMAGES THEY DIDDDD!!! I’M BROKEN, YOU KNOW!!! THEY SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST HAVE ONE OF THEM WITH SAKYO IS ALIVE BUT HAD TO FACE HIS SINS I KNOW THAT’S NOT A BETTER END BUT AT LEAST BOI IS ALIVE AND KAYO DIDN’T HAVE TO BE SAD WHAT THE HECK THESE ARE TERRIBLE ENDINGS I HATE THEMMMMMMMMMMMM

*inhale, exhale*

well at least I like that in Sakyo’s four routes, the roles of the other samurai dudes are quite prominent. it’s nice to see the whole stupid scene with Tsuzu and Suzu arguing about the other stealing the food, Enishi teasing Saneaki that he can’t drink, also Kei the tsukkomi lol that was a nice scene.

FINALLY!!! now I get to my baby son, Suzukake!!!! I’ve actually half cleared his route before but didn’t see the ending yet. I SURE AS FLYING FUCKERY SHIT WILL NOT BE READY FOR THE ROUTE WHICH MY SON DIE!!!! probably I would skip it....

#ken ga kimi #ending spoilers #hello police pls arrest this game it made me sad

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noexit-ff · 7 years ago

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44. Part 4

Picking up Chris’ shoes from the floor and packing them in my bag, he packed his things last night but clearly not very good because we had a disagreement and Chris was in a bad mood, he was throwing everything in the bag. I don’t agree with the things he is saying, he thinks he is right and it lasted pretty much all night with the disagreement. We did make it up through sex, he of course made sure to slip that in but he had such a temper all of a sudden and out of nowhere too, I didn’t like how he was but we made it up so what can I say. Chris is still asleep but I woke up early because I want to leave already, I want to go back to my baby boy. My phone started ringing in my bag, placing my top down on the bed and walking over to my bag, grabbing my phone out and seeing my mom is calling “hi mommy” I said answering the call, hearing Junior crying in the background “hi baby, hope you and Chris had a nice time?” my mom said “we did yeah mom, just packing my things now. Will be back soon” turning around facing the bed “oh good, Chris Junior is not settling at all now. He won’t stop crying, we tried rocking him in our arms, put him in the baby rocker, tried feeding him. Joyce is just taking him outside to rock him but he is really not happy” my poor son, now I feel emotional to know he is unsettled “did you try giving him the drops for Colic? Try that” there is nothing I can do being so far from him, I need to go back now “we will try that, we cut his nails down for you but he is pulling his ear trying to scratch his face. He doesn’t have a temperature so he is well but I think he wants his mom now” swallowing back the lump in my throat “just please try that, call me back if it is not working. I will be back” watching Chris get out of bed finally, dick everywhere as expected.

My mom has not called back so I am guessing they have settled him, I am not leaving Junior again like that. I can’t do it to them, I am going to be there for him. I am probably stressing my son out thinking where have I gone, him not drinking makes it worse. I am stressing now, I am so happy to see the jet. Opening the car door and jumping out, I just want to be gone from this place. I have enjoyed it but the ending not so much, I don’t think I will ever leave Junior like that again. He is too precious, I don’t like this feeling at all “Mrs Brown” the flight attendant said “hi” running up the steps of the jet, Chris hopefully is behind me but we both are quiet. I have my son on my mind but last night was just a blast from the past, just the argument and him showing his temper off over me not letting go of what he said, what does he want me to do, be quiet. He wishes I stay quiet, I knew the only thing to make him stop would be sex and if I let him make it up with me.

I wish this jet could get us home faster but I should be thankful we are in the air now, looking at my son’ pictures is making me somewhat content but I want him in my arms now “I guess you still annoyed with me” Chris finally spoke to me, it’s more him than me, he feels more offended, but I am very hurt “maybe, not annoyed Chris. Hurt is a better word” locking my phone and placing it down at the side of me, Chris and I are sat on opposite sides which shouldn’t be like that after we spent time together. He ruined it all, he ruined it because of his stupidity over nothing. My family besides Rorrey and my dad are nice to him, they walk on eggshells because of me. I always make sure they are nice to him and he turns around says that, I don’t even want him in Barbados after that but I am hurt, now I got myself angry “you bringing something I said yesterday to today, we made it up. I said sorry, why don’t you just let it go? It’s my opinion and your family are just not nice Robyn, they mad rude to me. Might as well go to some war zone place going there” my eyes bulged out “you’re just being a dick now, shut up ok. I get it, that happened to you and it was my dad and Rorrey’ fault. My mother chose you over them two, my whole family does. I know he was there when we went but not anymore, but you think my family don’t respect you? You’re basically calling my home a poor house that wants to kill you. I could say the same shit about Virginia, it’s full of incest and every time I go there some red neck is trying to get me, fuck you Chris” Chris looked taken a back “you know what I am so offended, that is my home Chris. I am so proud of you that I like to show you off to my home, it’s was supposed to be a happy time when our son goes to my home town. The place I grew up in, I wanted my husband with me. Finally I got what I wanted and I am taking it back to my home. But you know what, I will take Rich. I don’t want you ever to be in Barbados, and yes I am crying” he is such a asshole at times, and he is still saying it. He can’t do nothing for me, patting my tears away with the tissue “just don’t speak to me for a while, any man would suck it up and go with their wife and child but you. Don’t, just leave me alone” he called my home town a war zone, I am so angry with him.

Staring out of the jet window, I don’t know how I would ever explain to my mom about this. I will have to make up excuses for him because the truth is just too much that it would offend them all, when he was there my family couldn’t do enough for him. Rihanna’ husband, that is all they kept on saying but because of two fools he is saying that. There is nothing but women in that home to spoil him, I saw it when I would wake up. He would be laughing with them, I don’t understand his issue but he will not go to Barbados after everything. He can miss his son from a far, how dare he “leave Maurice with me when you go there” I knew it was coming, it just took him time “you wish! That boy is coming with me, I am sure damn in hell you couldn’t comfort him. A mother’s love is worth more than a father’ so shut up, you honestly just ruined the whole weekend. What has my family done? They have done nothing but support you, I bought that home for my mom so I could always go home and stay there, so my kids could always stay there. You will miss it, I will do a better one for you Chris. I don’t ever want to go to VA, it’s boring and the people just don’t like me” I shrugged “that is bullshit” he retorted “you’re bullshit” I pointed “act like you know who you speaking to Robyn, over fucking Barbados you’re really getting on my nerves about that shit. Fuck y’all man” I am done with him.

I am just glad to be home, Chris can get the bags. Pushing the door open, a sigh of relief left my lips just to be home “hello!?” I half shouted wanting to know where they all are “they are home already?” hearing my mom say, they are in the living area “Robz we are here!” my mom half shouted back “he’s asleep woman” Joyce scolded, walking into the living area “welcome back, look at her all fresh and a tan” my mom hugged me “was it good baby? Time away” holding my mom close “it was good mommy, thank you so much for coming out and being with him” moving back from the hug, seeing Junior in the rocker “look at him asleep, he scratched his face deeply too” Joyce got up from the couch, hugging Joyce “that is why we did it when he slept, we did his nails. He wakes up randomly and look” Joyce held the bottle “he doesn’t drink much at all and it’s worrying me” if Joyce is worried then that worries me “I think I will try with me, see if he settles” I hope my son is ok “Chris, how was Hawaii. You are smiling so I know you had a good time?” my mom said to him, if only she knew what he was saying “it was good, I had a good time” I want Junior to wake up now.

Staring at Junior sleeping still, I have moved the rocker closer to me “we saw the pictures didn’t we Monica” Joyce said “I told Robyn to not be too nasty” Chris is actually annoying me right now “sexcation, I did like it. I wish we had those in our time” Chris groaned out “mom please, I don’t want to know” Joyce and Monica both laughing made Junior jolt a little “wake him, I can wake him” Chris will just scare him awake with his loud ass, he shuffled over to me and I don’t even want him close “hey! Little nigga, wake that ass up. Come on, it’s ya pops I want to see you” Chris touched his cheek “you are going to make him annoyed” Joyce said “Aye!” Chris spat, Junior’ eyes opened “see, he is awake. You just got to wake him, a little scare helps” I have missed his little face so much “his eye colour has changed again” I said smiling looking at Joyce “look at him, he’s heard your voice” looking back over at Junior “oh no, he is pulling that ear again” Monica said before Junior let out a cry “I can settle him” Chris said, I know he is trying to prove a point but I will let him.

I can hear Junior crying still “get that baby from him” Joyce nudged me, I shrugged “I am sure he will have enough, I think when Chris is done trying to prove some point I will take him upstairs. See if I can settle him and get him back to routine, maybe he needs breast? Can that happen” I didn’t think it could be “well I mean yes, if you have gave him nothing but that, he is used to the skin to skin contact with his mom, bottle was ok for a few times but he knew that wasn’t it, it can be a thing. Just let him know you are there. Christopher! Stop annoying my grandson!” Joyce shouted, my mom keeps staring at me “so are you staying for a few more days?” I asked her “I will, Joyce said I can stay with her. Give you both privacy with the baby” Chris finally walked in, why annoy him when Junior is already not happy. Chris leaned over passing me him “ssshhhh baby it’s ok, stop the tears” shuffling off the couch “you can stay here still, I will be upstairs see if I can soothe him” Junior’ face is right in the crook of my neck, hearing his breathing in my ear as he slowly calmed down “I guess he is a mommys boy” Monica said, walking by Chris “if you need me I am upstairs” I just want some time with my baby “I am going out” Chris said from behind me but I carried on walking, he is clearly not speaking to me. Making my way up the stairs “Robyn, I am going out” Chris said again “ok” is the only thing I said.

I am analysing everything about Junior, leaving him here maybe was too much and I feel like a bad person for leaving him. He is my child and I left him, he seems to be calm and he did drink from the breast fine, burped him just fine too and now he is a awake just staring “did mommy neglect you, was you crying for me. Mommy is bad, I am sorry baby. I promise to not leave you” touching Junior’ cheek and he gave me the goofiest smile he has ever done before “you stressed your grandparents too, you are just spoilt. Now you got the scratch on your face” Junior stifled out a yawn “you don’t want to hear me, just give me the boob mom and move on, you are just like your father” he’s a little mover now “I think you are ready for some sleep now anyways” picking Junior up from the bed in front of me, placing him on my chest as shuffled back on the bed “I promise to not leave you again” pressing a kiss to his head, I treasure my son so much.

A light knock on the bedroom door “Robz, Jen is here” I have been stuck in this bedroom for hours “let her in mom” my mom should have let her just come in, the door opened “is he settled now? Do you want food and also what about Chris, does he need feeding” he can eat out for all I care “I am ok and if you are cooking make him something and put it to the side” Jen walked by my mom “I know you just come back but I had to come and see you” I was thinking she came quick to see me “I missed seeing him too, look at him nestled between your boobs” Jen sat on the edge of the bed “where he likes it” smiling down at Junior “I will leave you girls to it” my mom closed the bedroom door “dick got you drained?” Jen does not wait “it did on the first day, I took your advice. It worked” Jen clapped her hands together “did you wear it? When I picked it out I remember you telling me Chris ruins clothing, crotchless panties. We need to go shopping again but I am happy to be at service to your sex life, did it feel good?” I paused smiling “erm yeah, it was a little weird at first. But I got used to it and I enjoyed it so much, just to have sex and some adult time but Junior was hating it. I think he got himself worked up for nothing” I like this calm son of mine.

Jen pulled out some paperwork “so Tim sent over some paperwork, he wants to start the make up line. When I spoke to him he said there is nothing like working from home, he said he will come here if needs be. Chris needs to sign you onto his label if he wants you” rolling my eyes “give me Roc Nation back” I said shaking my head, Jen chuckled “don’t say that, Jay Z would have you back in a heartbeat. He said it in a interview, I think if you did go back think of everything you could demand. No woman should have that power but then again, if you want to keep your money in house with your family. Going with Chris is a better idea, we need to start you know getting the ball rolling. Tell Chris, he needs to send me something or I will look elsewhere for you, I am not waiting anymore. Also the tour needs to happen, not right now but that does need to go ahead. Business is business bitch, we need to get on it. Things we can work at home with we will do now, things we can’t will hold off. You are a free agent and I have offers for you, interviews for you. Tell Chris to stop sitting back on shit, things need to be done. I know you both are together but we still need to see paperwork, anything can happen” I sighed out “you right” turning the volume down on the TV.

Jen placed the paperwork on the sidetable “so what actually happened? Chris is usually sniffing your pussy right now or dancing around with Junior, he’s not been out for so long and you look upset or annoyed when speaking about him” looking over at Jen “so I decided to make you godmother, please don’t repeat this to anyone right now” Jen gasped “no” she said in disbelief “yes Jen, I am” Jen placed her hand over her mouth “no” she said again “stop it, you’re my bitch” Jen took in a deep breath “I won’t cry but that means so much to me, oh god. Yes and yes I won’t say anything to anybody. I would hug you, that is a title. He is a like a son to me too, y’all are like my mini family” smiling at Jen “and I love you, not once you disrespect me, Chris or my child. You ride for me through everything, my son deserves the best” Jen wants to cry so much “ok, change the subject quick. Tell me about Chris” Jen is trying not to cry “well I said about the Christening being in Barbados, you know how Majesty Christening went down. There is a good vibe, Chris turned around and said I don’t want to go Barbados, your family don’t respect me. I am uncomfortable, then today he said he rather go to a war zone then Barbados, it’s like that place wants to kill him. I understand what happened with my dad and Rorrey but it’s dealt with, my family took his side, they didn’t disrespect him at all. They always ask about him, I am so upset with Chris over this. Then I said Virginia is full of incest and rednecks and I don’t want to go there, so now we are not really speaking” Jen stared at me in shock “are you serious? That is your original home, that is where you reside. LA is your new home because you’re married but that is your home and it’s in little Chris’ bloodline. This is silly, the both of you. I mean Chris needs to just do it for you, your family from what I see always love him. They went out and supported him on tour, maybe he has issues with what happened? Speak to him? It’s a little awkward when little Chris is half of that, he will be going there and he can’t stop that. You know what, just do the Christening in New York so you both don’t argue, I don’t want you both to argue. I love you both” I chuckled “well he has ran off out, I am sorry but I am not chasing him. He said let it go, how can I let it go when I will get questioned about it. I really wanted to go there, family holiday. Junior’ first time, my husband with me but it’s whatever. I need him to support me when I am supporting Junior, it’s hard” now he out there, he more than likely didn’t even need to go out.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfiction

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kissmeinkardasi · 7 years ago

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I relate to Garak

I contemplated for a good while whether I should even write this post, because I don’t like talking about myself, least of all where literally anyone could read it, but I figured that perhaps it might be constructive to someone, somewhere. I’m not going to go into extreme detail, because when you’re not a lonely child, you don’t own your story alone, and you have to respect the privacy of your siblings, and that they have their own versions of every little thing that happened even in your joint childhood. I have two younger siblings, both of whom have processed all of that shit in their own separate ways, and their stories are not mine to tell.

I’ve grown up in a home without adults. By that I don’t mean that my parents weren’t there, because physically they were. What I mean is that neither of them took on the role of a responsible adult. My father was (is) an incredibly charismatic, immature, insensitive, manipulative, self-centered, prejudiced, ableist, racist piece of trash (who very likely votes for the nazi party these days). My mother crumbled under that. Which drove her too, to do things a mother shouldn’t do.

Without any real intent, I’m pretty sure, I was raised in a way that I unlearned to feel two emotions: Happiness and Anger, both of which were reprimanded. I wasn’t a bad child – I was hyperactive, but I wasn’t malicious, not until I was shaped to be, and even then, as a child, I always wanted to be good and do what was expected of me. Which in my family was hard, because one thing was rewarded one day, and punished the next, in an erratic pattern that was impossible for me to decode.

Now we get to the point where I’ll ask all of you, how, as a child or a teen, would you go about telling anyone about that part of your abuse? The part that isn’t about violence, but about brainwashing? The kind of thing that most people – even adults – aren’t equipped to understand?

I chose to lie – to take my abuse and translate it to something other people understand. Something less abstract.

Media presents this image of what abuse is, and it’s simplified. It’s all about the physical and the blunt. When your dad is a dumbed down version of Skrain Dukat, what you’ve gone through becomes damn hard to explain to anyone, most of all because on some level, you’ll always think that maybe because the physical aspects of your abuse happen relatively rarely, maybe you’re not actually abused. So how can you trust other people to take you seriously, when you don’t take yourself seriously?

You take what you see that other people understand, or what they expect to hear and you say, “this happened to me”, because as human beings, we need confirmation from others.

The psychologist I went through is one example. As a teenager, the combination of trauma, the since-childhood self-taught act of playing the normal family whenever a family friend was over, and the fact that I had issues conducting normal social interactions, lead to an enhanced sense of awareness of what others wanted to hear. This is yet another reason why I relate to Garak – I’ve effortlessly lived as an emotional chameleon, changing myself constantly to neutralize the threat in every social situation. I’d look at people, note the finer patterns in everything they’d do, and I’d know exactly what answers they wanted for their questions, what opinions they wanted to hear when consulting me. As a result, I was so many people that I no longer had a proper sense – which walked hand in hand with the unlearning of anger. Anger is a vital part of ones moral compass, or at least it is for me. When I got my anger back, it was difficult not to fall in love with it.

My psychologist pressured me a lot. I could sense she was after something, but she had failed to establish trust, and I became guarded. I told her the standard things that people – she, too – perceived as abuse. She was frustrated with me, so I hoped that if I pleased her, that threat would go away. It did not.

It didn’t work out between myself and her, and after our last appointment, when she was no longer my psychologist and no longer held to the restrictions of her role, she told me that I’d frustrated her so much that she just wanted to strangle me. That did not help. I had taken the position of vulnerability, I had spoken few truths (the one where my parents forcefully strapped me to a chair tends to evoke a lot of feeling in people – and yet, to me, that is one of the least harmful things done to me), but all the lies had been emotionally attached to me, they were vulnerabilities. And even knowing all of that, she had told me she wanted to hurt me. It did nothing to encourage me not to continue to lie about my abuse, and everything to dissuade me to see a professional.

I have also lied about not being abused. I don’t want to flaunt what hurts. My mother once caught me right after my father had rather violently punished me for not understanding some mathematical formula (I’ve got serious issues with mathematics – I like the logic behind it, but my brain just isn’t wired that way) and she saw us together, and she saw I was crying, and she asked me what happened (me, not him) and I said “nothing”. That was also a lie to protect myself, not my father.

I don’t want comfort! I don’t want to be held and I don’t want to hurt. When I’m hurt I withdraw. I do not cry when other people can see. Therefore I have lied about not being abused – I also lied to my mentor in school when he approached me about how I seemed to be doing poorly. Oh, it was so easy to lie to him. He wanted for it to not be an issue so he didn’t have to deal with it, he didn’t ask because he cared, he asked because he had to, and because it was good for his sense of self and for his image. It was easy. It’s always easy to lie about nothing happening, because people love it when things are good and they don’t have to actually follow up on the pretense that they care.

This is where Garak and the potential lies come in. It should be relatively easy to spot the correlation. I believe it’s fully possible that he lied to Ezri, because he knew what would fly easily with her, and she’d done absolutely zero work on gaining his trust. Even Garak’s outburst at Ezri is relatable to me. The fact that he’d follow up on this potential lie in ASIT would ultimately be that it’s a very comfortable, easy-to-go-to lie, and probably he needed it. Just like I needed mine. That is my interpretation. Just like any of you own yours, and use whatever tools you need. And if I may project myself onto Garak, I’d say that his outburst at Ezri was what helped him. Pent up energy that gets to be released can be immensely helpful. That is also my interpretation, which is my own, and in no way keeps anyone else from having their own interpretation that helps them.

The fact that I lied shouldn’t be used to judge any other survivor of abuse, and vice versa. We’re all individual cases, we’ve all got our ways to cope. We deserve to be seen as individuals with individual ways of dealing with what’s at hand. Garak, too, is an individual. He is also fictional, and I wouldn’t use a real person to cope with my problems or project onto. Just because I play with these concepts, doesn’t mean I would do the same with real actual people.

And then we reach the part about Tain. Tain is not like my father. My father is more like Dukat, like my interpretation of Dukat, which is once again my own interpretation, that does not prohibit anyone else from having other interpretations, nor do I feel threatened by other people’s interpretations of him. But even then, I can very much relate to Garak’s love for his biological father. It, to me, is a love towards what could have been, if Tain hadn’t sacrificed himself for the Order, just like I believe my father could’ve been a good father if he hadn’t sacrificed himself for his ambition and his crappy ego. I feel a great deal of sorrow when I think about my father. I’m never going to forgive him, I’m never going to forget, and if I knew of a way to murder him and get away with it, I would. And yet, that does in no way keep me from loving and mourning the part of him that he killed with the choices he made in his life. These things are never easy. I have had dreams of forgiving him, the human brain abhors conflict, it’s a survival mechanism. And at those points, I’ve had to remind myself of what he’s done, who he is. It’s not easy to take a decision and stick by it, cutting ties isn’t a decision that’s made once – it’s made over and over again.

As for my mother, she was as much a victim as the rest of us. He’d threaten her that he’d be abusive to us kids if she didn’t have sex with him, amongst other things that most likely she never told me and never will. It doesn’t mean my mother has never been abusive. The difference is that I know she loves her children (and I know that my father does not, he loves the idea of children, he loves the idea of being a father, he loves the prestige of having a family, but he doesn’t love us), and I forgive her the things she has done. I can’t dislike her. I know that she often put me in a situation where I had to take her role. She told me instead of my father that she was going to leave him – I knew she’d never tell him. The situation in which I couldn’t contain myself and told him this was a chaotic moment, in which he had assaulted me in front of the rest of the family – my siblings were upset. Enraged. At me. And my mother was just nothing.

That I forgive and love my mother is my choice. It doesn’t invalidate the choices of people who chose not to do so. Everyone should do what’s ultimately the best for them, and no one but them can tell. Which is why when Garak loves Tain, I respect that choice, and I can relate. And that is my interpretation, and no one else has to agree with me. Tain, to me, is a man whose hands are tied behind his back by higher authorities, he lives in a totalitarian society – for him it’s the state, for my mother, it was my father. It was my father for all of us. It’s my interpretation. It’s the reflection I need. No one else have to follow it but me.

#abuse #garak #elim garak #tain #enabran tain #dukat #skrain dukat #personal #star trek #ds9 #ended up a bit longer than I thought it would

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northamptoncouplestherapy · 5 years ago

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Statistics show that approximately one-third of Americans find themselves in a stepfamily relationship. Whether they are taking on the role of stepparent, stepchild or stepsibling, the stepfamily structure is not uncommon. Nor are the blended family challenges it brings.

According to data from the National Stepfamily Research Center, 60% of all remarriages end in divorce, compared to 43% of first marriages. Among those remarriages, 25% end in divorce within the first five years. Meanwhile, the average time between first marriage and remarriage is about 3.5 years.

If blended families are so prevalent, why are so many step couples and parents surprised by the challenges that they face?

Despite the lower chance of staying together long-term, couples in remarriages still appear hopeful and willing to enter into the commitment. However, are they truly prepared? And does preparing oneself for step parenting increase your chances of success?

Anecdotal evidence from blended family experts Dr. Patricia Papernow and Dr. Tamara Golish suggest that preparation is a factor in blended family happiness.

We carefully reviewed the lessons Papernow and Golish gleaned from decades of experience counseling blended families. Below are three key takeaways we believe will benefit all step families and stepparents.

It is our hope that one or more of these tips will prepare you for the changes you will face and even tip the scales in your family's favor.

1. Embrace the Step Parenting Struggles

Perhaps the most challenging reality parents and stepparents face in a blended family is the hardwired attachment children have with their birth parents. While this can be seen as an ultimate benefit, this attachment provides an obstacle for stepparents.

"In a stepfamily, parents and their children have a pre-existing... attachment to each other," says Papernow. "They come with established agreements about everything, from whether Grape Nuts is a breakfast food or a form of cardboard, to the 'appropriate' price for a new pair of sneakers."

Children find it harder to adjust to divorce and subsequent remarriage than the adults involved. For them, the change is unchosen and, therefore, uncomfortable. On top of that, the birth parent is usually the only person who can help them cope with the transition. This can, in turn, create tension for the new couple.

Children over the age of eight, (particularly female children) have the most difficulty accepting their new reality. They find it harder to bond with their stepparents and face more emotional hurdles in the process. For many children, adjusting to a stepfamily is more challenging than adjusting to divorce.

"Good therapy for stepfamilies does not stop at strengthening the couple relationship," says Papernow. "Children in a stepfamily also need regular, reliable time alone with their parents."

According to Golish, "traumatic bonding" throws another wrench in a step parent’s plans. This occurs when a parent and child (especially mother and daughter) form a very close bond after the divorce.

Other unique challenges include managing boundaries with the children’s other family, unclear parental roles, competition for resources (such as money, privacy, and personal space) and differing styles of conflict resolution.

2. Rid the Words "Either" and "Or" from Your Vocabulary

According to Papernow, stepfamilies are unique in the innate insider/outsider dynamic they create.

"Extremely strong step couple relationships are linked to poorer well-being in stepchildren," says Papernow. "probably because kids are not getting the parental connection that they need."

Imagine John and Martha are part of a first-time marriage, for instance. Their nine-year-old son, Daniel, needs help with his Math homework. When Daniel approaches John and Martha for their support, he is not encroaching on their private time with one another.

He is merely asking his parents to restructure their focus to him, their child. He is asking them to engage in parent/child time instead of husband/wife. It's a natural reversal of priorities and attention that most parenting couples face.

However, this exchange would look quite different if John and Martha were step couples in a blended family. Imagine now that John is Daniel's biological father. Imagine, Martha is Daniel's stepmother. Also, imagine that instead of approaching both parents, Daniel approaches John and asks "Dad, will you help me with my Math homework?"

Immediately, an either/or scenario is born. Either John continues giving his attention to Martha, or he reverts his attention to his son.

Martha is also left with an either/or scenario. Either she leaves the room and gives them time alone, or she stays despite the fact that Daniel asked for his father's help, not hers.

Both options leave Martha feeling isolated and John feeling torn and divided.

"In a healthy first-time family, insider/outsider positions shift between the adults. Sometimes one parent is the center of the child’s attention. Sometimes it is the other parent," says Papernow. "In a stepfamily, insider/outsider positions in the adult couple are stuck."

Must John and Martha continue this vicious cycle? No, according to Papernow, there is another way. The key is for the step couple to carve out alone time for themselves and dependable alone time for the parent and child. Also, Emotionally Focused Therapy has been proven to help couples communicate constructively.

While this puts an added burden on the birth parent, the stepparent can ease that burden by responding honestly and openly about what he/she needs. Instead of saying "You made me feel left out," for example, the stepparent can say "I need a hug today," or "Please make time for me."

3. Don't Rush Into Disciplinary Roles

One thing both researchers strongly advise stepparents to avoid is immediately stepping into a disciplinary role.

As we demonstrated, children have the hardest time coping with the change. They are also less likely to accept direction and correction from a stepparent before an emotional bond is made.

Meanwhile, stepparents tend to desire more order and control, while biological parents desire more love and understanding for their children.

This dichotomy stimulates conflict surrounding discipline. According to Papernow, the best course of action is to let the biological parent retain the disciplinary role with the children, while allowing the stepparent to communicate their concerns in private to their spouse.

"Across cultures, authoritarian (cold and firm) parenting by a stepparent proves extremely toxic to stepparent-stepchild relationships," says Papernow.

For Papernow, becoming a stepfamily is a process, not an event. It takes years, not weeks or months. However, there is hope. After five years, the relationship between parents and children in stepfamilies can look a lot like those of first-time family counterparts.

Golish also emphasizes the power that both communication and compromise play in healthy stepfamilies. Therefore, the way each parent, stepparent and stepchild respond to one another will determine the health of that family over time. Even couples on the brink can develop new tools and strategies to cope with blended family challenges.

In Summary

In short, stepfamily structure provides an innately different foundation on which to build a family. On the other hand, coping with blended family challenges is not an impossible task. Acknowledging the challenges head-on plays a key role in success.

Spending dedicated one-on-one time together and openly confronting issues in a respectful way can help all parties involved better adapt to the transition.

Why not flip the statistics on their head and focus on the fact that 40% of all stepfamilies make it the long haul?!

We hope these tips and information will help you and your family achieve that goal.

Also, there is simply no replacement for objective, research-based couples therapy. If you, your partner, children or stepchildren are having trouble coping with a blended marriage, reaching out to a licensed couples therapist might be the way to go. From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy to the PACT model, we apply science-based methodologies to every couples retreat, relationship retreat and couples therapy weekend we offer. We also offer weekly sessions for those who can find time to break away during the week.

At NCCT we offer specialized services to stepfamilies in the form of couples therapy to help the couple stay strong and simultaneously stay connected (and strengthen connections) with the kids.

Request an appointment.

#Gottman Method #Couples Therapy #Couples Counseling #Couples Retreats #Marriage Retreats #Marriage Counseling #Relationship Retreats #Relationship Counseling #Emotionally Focused Therapy #Northampton Center for Couples Therapy

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