#like maybe lets consider other interpretations before writing a thread about it and calling for a drone strike one the articles author

[cuntstable]

i looove online so much and how everyone always jumps to the most bad faith interpetation they can think of in regards to any sentance ever. very cool and honestly funny

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey i really love your blog!!! I just plucked the courage to actually send u an ask fhdjhd but GOSH i love your video edits and your gifs and your meta article posts, you're so articulate and you can explain/describe moments in a way that makes me go "oh wow, i cant believe i haven't seen it that way before!!" Haha ANYWAYS i'm just here to say that i completely agree with what all u said, Free creators might do a lil fanservice here and there for the 25 ships that exists within the fandom's circle, but rinharu's storyline is clearly the most romantic one! And i'd argue it's the one closest to being canon esp after part 1, i mean the fact that they put such an explosive emotional outburst right at the end of the second to the last movie means a lot. It's like reinforcing the fact that this series has always been about them, and everything that has happened only happened either because they met or they grew appart and miss eachother. I kinda feel like maybe.. juust maayyybe there's a chance KA wants to make the ship canon, since it's the last movie and they want to end it on a highnote maybe (bcs honestly i think the only reason they've been holding back is purely bcs of the merch sales, since they don't have a problem showing a wholesome lesbian love story in kobayashi maid dragon) butt i could be wrong, maybe i'm just overly optimistic and delusional, they could somehow ruin it and give an ending that panders to all the ships again 😅🥲, but at least there's a clear-cut guarantee that part 2 would dedicate a large portion of it fixing rin and haru's fight!!! Oohh how can i wait another 6 months now!!😭😭 (sorry for the long ask btw!! 🙏🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️)

OMG thank you so so much!! For watching my vids too! ❤️❤️❤️ It really means a lot to me! Ahhhh wow, thats the longest ask I've ever recieved! 😍 I'm trying to explain myself so hard lol I'm glad its appreciated, bc sometimes I'm like "I don't fucking know how to say this" xD

Well, you know me, I only care for one ship, which is the only one with confirmed info that they're both actually gay and have mutual feelings for each other. There are some other ships in free! I'm fine with (those do not include Rin or Haru in them xD), but I just mostly don't care, bc after reading all the stuff, you can see that in some of those to one the other one is actually like his second option, which I just do not like. Others I just don't even see, bc again to me who witnessed great close male friendships and having two sisters who I'm very close to, I just do not see anything romantic in that.

It's not just Free! tbh, it's like any sports anime these days. They see two guys walking together, it's a ship. And like no one cares if they're just bros. Like I'd get i they did some fanservice fanservice, but like I never saw anyone in Free! crossing the line the way rinharu do. I can without thinking much name you 10 rh moments that no matter how hard you think can't be explain as being bros, but can't name one when it comes to others. I just find some ppl shipping everyone with everyone weird sometimes. It's like western fans see like some eastern actors or singers slap each other ass lovingly and they're like "oh they're fucking" I'm like "yeah, ofc all 500 of them, you're absolutely right". And Free! doesn't do anything even like that, I just do not get sometimes like what moment even brought on some ships. I'm genuinely confused. Albert and Haru? You fucking fell from a sakura tree or smth? I'm...

I'm especially confused when it comes to guys, whose character type is who I call "I only want this one and if I can't have it, then I'm ok" xD. It just always surprised me, when they try to pair up them with someone else, it's like a complete ooc.

I'm also not into this whole "well, if there are gays in this anime, than everyone there is gay". I'm like... huh. It's like with KNB and MDZS I had same feeling. It's like you have already couples there who are canon/borderline canon, why do you need another 10 who don't even interact or just don't even go there? I'm always so confused in those situations. Or like wangxian is married and some are like "no, I actually don't like it, let me write a fic when they're with other ppl". Lan Zhan... being in love or having sex with someone else? Yeah, that's not Lan Zhan, dude, you're writing about someone else. Might as well change the name at this point.

But last time I went to twitter someone had a thread about how if they make s4 of Free! they should mainly explore there Momo's angst (and no, it wasn't a joke), so I'm already like, I'm just.. nothing will surprise me no more. But I'm forever gonna be confused.

Yeah, I eel you about "going there". I mean seeing part of it, it just kinda cemented my confusion, bc I do not get how it can be considered platonic. We were just discussing since yesterday with @freeseafirefly how I now even more perplexed and do not understand how they will resolve it without going into relationship territory. It's just our point here is that like... no one forced them to go there (I mean its not like this whole fandom has some wild expectations or anything already), we were waiting or our usual friendship and swimming and maybe tiny conflict about struggles of pro-careers and some usual rh implications (maybe all the rh gay in dramas as always). Not some pure fanfiction coming to life here haha.

Like why I'm laughing is bc I twice used in my "fics" bringing up him leaving Haru as a force to push the confession, bc there's no way if he adresses this it won't lead to this. And now we not only have this (bc Haru just basically layed it out there), but an actual scene of him playing on their feelings for each other and a literal image of Rin leaving and "taking Haru's heart with him" to the point when he's for the first time in his life openly crying on the ground. And it's not like this scene can be interpreted as anything else, the whole fandom talks same, bc the whole fight was just about them, what Haru said was just about them, there's a literal boom of his heart getting out of his chest, before he falls and now he's heartless.

So our question is like... why go there?

It's like some say that they might still resolve it with "they're special to each other" and swimming, but still like we already knew that, there was no reason to go that far is what I'm saying. And to think that it was planned since forever giving the clues is like... ???

The whole spoon theme also throw me on the loop because like, lets be honest, it's wedding themed. And that part of the interview about part 2 there also made me go...?????? Because I mean, huh?

This is just all in all very interesting turn of events to say the least. I do not see the point of all of this if its not what I think it is, esp after seeing tweets like "even I see a rh wedding and I'm mh T_T". It's just all very unsubtle, that's why we're confused.

Like who knows, maybe we'll really by some magic turn of events get lucky and they really decided that since its the ending, it's okay to go for it. But I also don't wanna to hype myself much, I'm already really happy with it, just bc again, this scene already proves all of my points.

And yeah, I'm sure they'll pander to everyone, bc it's the end and etc and we have to handle everything on the good note and there's a whole line of ppl who's obsessed with us, esp with Haru xD, but like bromance pandering and romance pandering are different things, you know *wiggles eyebrows* and u know who always gets the second one.

[chemicalpink]

JK's Birth time analysis

First and foremost, I’m just doing this to occupy my mind in something else while I go through some stuff, I will continue to use the general consensus of the community for my astrology readings, I’m just doing this for fun, remember that we as fans are in no way entitled to know JK’s exact birth time, these are just fun educated guesses on some alternative that has arisen.

Now, I must say, when I first started the astro part of my bts blog I immediately thought 1 pm for JK’s birth time, I don’t have any factual backup on this one, I’ve talked about it before, I am kind of a human tarot deck lmao things sometimes just come to me. So I started roaming around and I found that JK’s libra rising made sense to me, and it was a general consensus for his readings so I said sure let's go. You know that I endorse and adore having conversations with you guys, my craft isn’t perfect and no one else's is so it is great to hear every opinion to forge our own judgement. I do only present to you information that I can back up, which is why as much as I’d love to I won’t be taking into consideration my own personal hunch on the info I’m about to present you, although you can read it as subtext when it is in italics like this hello this is an inner thought of marinette’s.

SO the big deal: Is JK a libra rising or is JK a sagittarius rising? General consensus says 8:04 am as speculated time of birth, some others say 1-2 pm.

Either way, JK’s sect remains nocturnal so there’s not much to go from there.

When it comes to appearances, I’ll update what I said before.

Libra rising appearance:

Very youthful look that it seems like you don’t even age

Gentle smile

Charming demeanour that makes people obsessed with you

Very symmetrical features

Fit body

Contagious smile

Put together look/ clean look

Dimples

Dark hair and dark eyes

Tall

Oval/Round face

Think Harry Styles, Beyoncé, Niall, Britney Spears

Sagittarius rising appearance:

Bulky thighs

Horse like face

Big forehead

Incredibly tall or more than average tall

Gain weight easily

Not really athletic

Pretty full lips

Think Kim Kardashian, Elvis, Jennifer Lawrence, Paris Hilton

Evidently, other aspects in astrology and genetics can alter these, but it is mostly true.

Now, I am not that well versed in vedic astrology since I stopped studying it due to lack of time BUT the infamous thread that looks into the possibility of JK being a sag rising is pretty elaborate, although it does run more on intuitive processes and symbolism, which are of course, valid, and it really is up to both the analyst and the ones reading the analysis to determine the weight of it. My craft is more oriented towards intersectionality so I don’t like to go by what we are able to see about him as an axis, more like confirmation about it. Idk if it makes sense. I just don't trust seemingly scripted content that much to run my analysis based on it. Everything mentioned about JK Jyestha makes sense when looking at the content presented, and it will make even more sense once we take a look at some other non western astrology systems. Again, I am not well versed in vedic astrology so right off the bat I would fight the conversion system rather than the information presented.

Regarding that thread, some of the keywords used to conclude JK’s Jyestha are as follows:

King, Winning, Ambitious, Passionate, Skillful, Eldest, 1st, Seniority, Expertise, Sensory indulgence, Celebration, Bravery, Heroic, Dragon Slayer, Warrior, Rain, Thunder, Umbrella, Protector, Provider, Scandalous, Impulsive, Bunny, Deer, Earring, Eye.

In western astrology, a general comparison on placements would look something like this.

Sun in 8° 33' Virgo

Moon in 27° 20' Leo

Mercury in 7° 49' Virgo (r)

Venus in 16° 58' Libra

Mars in 11° 7' Scorpio

Jupiter in 14° 15' Aquarius (r)

Saturn in 19° 35' Aries (r)

Uranus in 5° 28' Aquarius (r)

Neptune in 27° 33' Capricorn (r)

Pluto in 2° 55' Sagittarius

North Node in 20° 11' Virgo (r)

Chiron in 29° 45' Libra

Ascendant in 4° 20' Libra

MC in 4° 46' Cancer

1st House starts at 4° Libra

2nd House starts at 1° Scorpio

3rd House starts at 2° Sagittarius

4th House starts at 4° Capricorn

5th House starts at 7° Aquarius

6th House starts at 7° Pisces

7th House starts at 4° Aries

8th House starts at 1° Taurus

9th House starts at 2° Gemini

10th House starts at 4° Cancer

11th House starts at 7° Leo

12th House starts at 7° Virgo

In here, the main aspect I can relate JK to is Cancer MC, MC represents your public self, as well as the success level you might experience. Cancer MC is all about taking care of others, yet it can also point towards a career in arts, especifically singing and writing, it also indicates a strong possibility of psychic abilities which have been widely discussed in JK with his readings and such all while having the main troubles of being an impatient person and sometimes getting self conscious which we have heard him say before when he refers to himself knowing how to do stuff yet he doesn’t think he’s good at any of them, or his letters to himself about having to love himself more.

Another pretty JK thing I’ve noticed is his Virgo Stellium in the 12th House, which shows struggles with identity JK has, once again, being vocal about him growing up within BTS and how that has shaped him and how he has constantly been looking for himself. They often absorb the struggles of people around them. Does anyone else remember him saying he’s okay as long as his hyungs are okay? Also, singing and dancing are very powerful manifestation tools for these people huh maybe that’s why he writes and sings love songs. This aspect also indicates him having the potential to amass a large amount of wealth, some astrologers think about this stellium as an extremely karmic one, which can be translated into the whole JK’s soulmate narrative.

When it comes to his 5th house, it indicates him being a hell of a creative person, especially in a somewhat rebellious sense which I interpret as him getting a sleeve tattoo It also talks about not being traditional in relationships which I believe has come out a few times in his tarot readings.

With Sag rising, his chart would look something like this:

Sun in 8° 45' Virgo

Moon in 29° 46' Leo

Mercury in 7° 37' Virgo (r)

Venus in 17° 12' Libra

Mars in 11° 15' Scorpio

Jupiter in 14° 13' Aquarius (r)

Saturn in 19° 35' Aries (r)

Uranus in 5° 27' Aquarius (r)

Neptune in 27° 33' Capricorn (r)

Pluto in 2° 55' Sagittarius

North Node in 20° 10' Virgo (r)

Chiron in 29° 46' Libra

Ascendant in 5° 28' Sagittarius

MC in 18° 28' Virgo

1st House starts at 5° Sagittarius

2nd House starts at 7° Capricorn

3rd House starts at 12° Aquarius

4th House starts at 18° Pisces

5th House starts at 19° Aries

6th House starts at 14° Taurus

7th House starts at 5° Gemini

8th House starts at 7° Cancer

9th House starts at 12° Leo

10th House starts at 18° Virgo

11th House starts at 19° Libra

12th House starts at 14° Scorpio

In this case, his MC is in Virgo, it mainly indicates a tactful and slow success in someone’s career, these MC Virgo people are often regarded as overly responsible and as people that like to get recognised as people to whom nothing is hard enough for them to call it quits. While they openly seek perfection which ofc JK has always talked about improving himself they often love to do the stuff that others despise to do like countinc, calculating and organising.

Evidently there's no 12th House stellium, he would have a 9th House Leo stellium, which is most of the times noticeable at first glance, the moment these people open their mouths, everything is just extraordinaire, there’s a longing to be loved and to be admired in this aspect. They��re inspirational people to be around which JK is, if I remember the members saying that they get inspired when watching him make efforts. They’re also overly curious about stuff around them big doe eyes anyone?

In this case he would have a 5th House aries, meaning that there’s a need to be physically active and being creative on top of that which I mean does check out. They do tend to be openly superficial people and big-headed when they are in a successful position tho.

So okay, let’s talk native astrology, JK’s Tzolkin is Tz’i-Oc, noted by their need of freedom and less traditional relationships, they work tirelessly and have an innate ability to be successful and accumulate a lot of wealth once again, JK’s position in BTS shows up HE’s in a basic need of having a strong foundation, which he will not like to lead but more take the role of a caregiver that can easily turn into the one receiving care. Here’s the thing, there are a lot of Libra themes in his Day Sign and his Trecana Sign, both of them talking about justice, fairness, helpfulness, as well as him being a nomad which I interpret as having a libra/virgo mix that is really hard to miss Now, this is where it gets funny, His galactic tone is 4, which while it talks about balance and calmness and tranquility libra like it also is represented by a warrior, which is part of the twitter thread as one of the symbolisms to think about sag rising

Last but not least, JK’s bazi, since his contextual situation is leaning more towards it. I did a comparion and it caught my eye the next part:

One of the widely talked about symbols in the sag rising thread is the element of water being consistent with JK, and in his bazi, ¾ Na Yin, the element of water came out, however, they came out when his birth time is 08:04 am.

In his 08:04 bazi, some keywords are:

virtue

star

travel

In his 13:00 bazi, some keywords are:

monetary loss

star of arts

heavenly doctor

So really it all boils down to: we do readings for fun, craft is personal and completely valid in any form as long as we aren’t hurting anyone. We do not know his actual birth time and we actually might never know it, each astrologer is free to work with the birth time they consider the best fitting unless a specific time is given. I myself, see a libra rising fitting, perhaps if we were to trial and error it, some other might come out but honestly, these readings are a hobby and while I dedicate myself to my craft, I certainly don’t have the time that it would require to analyze each placement so I can see for myself which I find the best fitting out of 12 signs. But hey, this was a fun educational opportunity to dive into other practices.

[mallowstep]

okay, i got an ask about an alternative to the misty au where leopardstar helps rescue the mistyfoot and featherpaw, so tigerstar ends up punishing her instead, and here's my answer:

cw: sexual assault, parents/children being involved in sexual assault

I had a horrible no good about the Misty AU where Leopardstar helped them escape and....Tigerstar took one of her lives, then...sexually assaulted her while making Mudfur watch until he was sure she was with kits and then he told Mudfur: "Maybe she'll go the same way as her mother." (If this is too dark I apologize immensely.)

hello, anon. let's talk, shall we?

cursory things out of the way, i generally don't mind what people put into my inbox. that said, if you're unsure, you can always ask first. i try to answer "housekeeping" qs as soon as i can.

now, onto the ask itself.

god DAMN is this an idea. poor mudfur. he doesn't deserve going through this. nor does leopardstar.

but like. here's the THING. we were talking about tigerstar's power a while ago and -- he's actually not maximizing his usage of it.

see, he has a thunderclan pov. in thunderclan, leaders and deputies are supposed to be -- a team. that's why they're so often mentors and apprentices. because they're supposed to fight side by side. it's supposed to be a very close relationship.

if you read mtbnsof,

"They will be slaughtered," he said, and really, she should have learned her lesson, because he lunged again, and this time, it wasn't for her shoulders — it hurt, blinding, and her eyes shut — and opened. Squirrelstar was bleeding, but she was still alive. Rosepetal had tackled Bramblestar, before he could complete the blow.

that's like -- the model thunderclan deputy. you're supposed to pick a deputy who you are that close with.

that's (part of) why tigerclaw's betrayal hurts bluestar so much.

but in riverclan -- the leader represents all of riverclan, and the deputy is, their enforcer, perhaps?

they're still a team, and still one of the very close relationships, but you're more likely to see friends and siblings chosen, with the goal of -- balancing each other out.

a thunderclan leader and deputy should not publicly disagree. but a riverclan leader and deputy might.

so -- when tigerstar has stonefur killed, he's trying to prove that he has such power over leopardstar that she wouldn't even intervene to save her own deputy. which does work, but it's not the most effective way to control riverclan.

the most effective way to control riverclan would be to get both leopardstar and stonefur on his side, and then have leopardstar defer to him.

uh. so uh. what's the best way to do that, then? well.

tigerstar just has to threaten mistyfoot and the apprentices to keep stonefur obedient. "just has to" i mean ig what i'm saying is. if your family's lives are on the line, you're pretty damn willing to go along with things.

but -- how does he. win leopardstar.

he has kits with her.

because -- well First of All if riverclan's leader is riverclan, then the leader's kits are -- the future of riverclan. so if leopardstar has kits with tigerstar, then riverclan's future is tigerclan. yeah?

Second of All leopardstar is known to not want kits and not like toms, right? like -- riverclan leaders are under a fair amount of pressure to have kits because that is the future of riverclan.

and she's not leader for long enough for that all to play out, but she was the deputy for a while, and -- riverclan knows her. they know how she feels.

so. no matter how well tigerstar hides it -- riverclan will know that it's not voluntary.

and -- leopardstar is riverclan.

but like i just -- okay so god. this is. fljksd;lal;f; j. back on topic to the actual ask -- it's a very very interesting story. not something i Personally would write i don't think, because. i'm not sure i would do a very good job of it? i don't think i am -- sufficiently visceral, i suppose.

and this feels like something where. you'd want mudfur's realizations.

i think it'd be a punishment for him too, wouldn't it? he must have helped them escape. he must have known.

i think for me. like when i was writing "after the foxes have known our taste," one of the...one of the sections i was most -- invested in? was these two paragraphs.

"To talk." Leopardstar sits next to him, pulling herself in, like if she makes herself smaller, she will absolve herself of the guilt she carries. (And he knows she carries it. He was barely her deputy for a season, but he has known her his whole life. She will never say it — and because she never will, Mistyfoot will never forgive her — but he sees it in her shoulders.) "We used to be friends."

and then

Leopardstar nods, draws herself together. She looks like herself, again. Regal. Not for the first time, Stonefur thinks that Leopardstar would have made a more striking image on the Bonehill.

i think. leopardstar makes the decisions she makes for the good of her clan

(and oh, tigerstar would use that against her.

"Don't you care about the future, Leopardstar? There are no more kits in the nursery.")

and so in that moment with stonefur, she's...turning to who was supposed to be her counterbalance, and trading all of her pride and strength for vulnerability. and when stonefur -- not rejects her, but tells her he's not ready, she returns to Leopardstar of Riverclan.

but mudfur is her father. the moment of vulnerability with him in denouncement is

"Come with us," she says, pleading. She feels like a kit, begging her father to let her leave camp. "There will always be a space for you in RiverClan." "I thought I taught you better than that," he says, and there is warmth in his voice, like sun on water. "There is no point in keeping spent bones." Leopardstar cracks. She presses her muzzle into him, breathing his scent, past the herbs and illness that clings to him. "Please don't leave me," she says, even though she is the one who is leaving.

and -- while that's not misty au canon, there's a reason that at the end of "the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine," mudfur tells leopardstar she has work to do.

because by the time mistyfoot and featherpaw do escape, leopardstar has already, in mudfur's eyes, transgressed far beyond the forgiveable.

but now -- his daughter is hurt. and she's -- does she want his comfort? or does she try to be leopardstar of riverclan?

yeah. that's. some good emotional stuff to dip into.

i have -- tawnypelt to explore these ideas with. uh. tbisrasacw contains. sufficient implications but -- mistyfoot's treatment is uncomfortably public.

that's gonna come up again later, i think, but in tawnypelt's first fic, which i'm still toying with official titles for, but has the provisional title of "see them starving in the street," but uh there's a few ideas that it tackles.

all of these tackle -- several ideas. "heaven and hell were words to me" is probably the most, singular plot line of the fic. there's a reason i started with featherpaw's fic and not mistyfoot's.

tbisrasacw balances featherpaw and mistyfoot, and atfhkot is sliding between all of these different cats with moments of what stonefur feels peaking through.

i'm still deciding if i'm publishing "i didn't care much how long i lived" (feathertail) or "like this morning reveals to me" (stonefur) tonight, but idcmhlil is about featherpaw's relationships to other cats, so it naturally pulls in a lot of ideas, and ltmrtm is mistyfoot from stonefur's perspective, which means it necessarily pulls in many ideas.

but stsits is -- one character, many threads. tawnypaw's want to be accepted contrasted with her instictive horror contrasted with her belief that there is no going back contrasted with grappling with the fact that her father is -- uh. mistyfoot.

yeah.

and i don't know. i think. if tigerstar were to punish mudfur via leopardstar, that's one thing. but another thing is like -- depending on his precise interpretations, he could -- force mudfur to. be on "his side."

isolate him from leopardstar.

after all, the reason tigerstar fosters mistyfoot and featherpaw together is because it allows him to win mistyfoot's unthinking loyalty. but tigerstar has all of riverclan to threaten.

("You'll have my kits," he says, smirking. "Do you know why, Leopardstar? Because if something happens to this litter -- I'll take your worthless apprentice and kill her.")

he could -- turn mudfur. not actually, but make leopardstar believe he is.

("You deserve this," Mudfur says, and he is going to hell for this.

Tigerstar doesn't respond, and Leopardstar's ears pin back.

"Tell me, Mudfur, was her mother this pathetic?"

I'll take every last life from her, Mudfur, Tigerstar had threatened. Maybe I'll make you take one. Test me. It'll be fun to see her bleed again.

"Yes," he says, and Brightsky won't forgive him. I'm sorry, he thinks, but it's too late for that.)

i think -- in the misty au, tigerstar takes leopardstar's den. but he'd share it with her.

one of my favourite moments in tbirasacw is

She turns her head, meeting his eyes. He leans back, exposing his stomach, and Mistyfoot takes a moment to consider how easy it would be to tear him open. But she won't, and that's the point.

which you know. the forced intimacy and kindness.

(Tigerstar licks Leopardstar's cheek.

"Leopardfur," he purrs, his tail tucking around her.)

and more name shenanigans, because of course he would. if you've learned anything from this, it's that matthew likes contrasting kindness and violence, and matthew likes name shenanigans.

name shenanigans he would definitely pull mudfur in on.

("You'll call her what I tell you to call her," Tigerstar growls. He puts his paw over Mudfur's. "If I tell you to call her Leopardfur, you call her Leopardfur. You should be grateful I'm not telling you to call her a whore.")

i dunno What everyone would do when tigerclan was over. riverclan would have a Hell of a time.

leopardstar would probably appoint mistyfoot deputy and they'd -- grow closer together.

mistyfoot gave everything she had for featherpaw, and leopardstar paid the same price for the both of them. i think that is -- an apology in its own way.

(Mistyfoot sits with her when she gives birth. Mudfur reminds himself Brightsky was sick. That she did not die because of the kitting. Most queens don't.

Stonefur sits outside the den. Mudfur waits in his own, because he thinks he can't bear to know what he has done to his daughter.)

hm. yes. interesting idea to explore. i appreciate this ask.

<3

[seoafin]

tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be  😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

[penguiduck]

Writing Fight Scenes

I’ve had a lot of readers mention that they don’t feel comfortable with fight scenes.  Well, that’s understandable. It’s challenging writing about experiences you’ve never had.  But with some perspective and practice, you can most certainly work toward writing those fast-paced, heart-pounding scenes with ease.

To give you some background, I practiced competitive martial arts for six years.  I competed in tournaments and trained hard to perform well in the ring. It was a contact sport, and even if I wasn’t sparring, training often left me with bruises, usually of the physical nature, sometimes of the emotional persuasion.

This experience gave me a lot of perspective when it comes to writing fight scenes.

Whenever I step into the ring, I have a flexible strategy in mind that combines what I know about myself, my opponent, and what I’m going to learn about them in the next two minutes.  I’d like to share some of these thoughts and perspectives with you, and how your character may think before and during a match of their own. Of course, my fighting experience is limited to a contact sport.  Your story may very well be far more violent with higher stakes, but strategies may be of similar foundation. Once you take a fight into deeper consideration, aside from the depiction of two fighters merely exchanging blows, you can begin to enrich your writing experience.

I’m including examples from Yu Yu Hakusho because that’s the fandom I write the most for, and as you know, there’s a lot of fighting involved!  But remember — anime and writing are two completely different mediums. There's no one narrating everything that our beloved characters are doing on screen. You just see it. That is why you, as a writer, must paint those scenes through words for your readers.

Nevertheless, this advice really stands for any sort of writing, so do with this information what you will.

A well-written fight scene is never about just trading blows.  There are other conflicts at play, whether between the fighters or even in the heads of your protagonists.

Allow me to elaborate:

1. Who is your protagonist?

Whenever I am preparing for a sparring match, the first thing I worry about is me. I must be self-aware. 

I think about my own fitness.  How am I doing? Do I have any existing injuries or ailments?  How is my weight? My body type? What are my strengths and weaknesses?  What do I have in my toolbox? What techniques do I know? What techniques am I most versed and confident in?  

I also think about my overall wellness. Have I been eating well?  Drinking water? Sleeping? How is my emotional state of mind? What are the stakes?

Is my uniform clean and pressed?  What about my equipment? Headgear?  Mouth guard? Shin guard? Did I replace that torn lace?

I recommend using these questions to bring your character’s own reflection to the forefront in whatever way makes most sense for them.  How is your character’s fitness? Is she in good fighting condition? Has she been injured previously? What has happened since the last fight that might impact her state of mind? 

It’s possible that she’s recovering from an illness or injury.  Perhaps her mentor died a gruesome death. Maybe she’s frustrated because she lost use of her right hand, temporarily or permanently, and has had to compensate with her non-dominant hand.  Or perhaps she’s lost the will to fight, having experienced something traumatic.

Hiei had to constantly think about his own state of health throughout the Dark Tournament after his fight with Zeru.  His arm had been sacrificed to his Dragon of the Darkness Flame, rendered useless, and he was in terrible pain. He never let it impact him, of course, being the stoic warrior he is.  His personality allows for little inner dialogue to be shared with the audience, but as a fighter, he was most certainly considering what options he had with his handicap. And, as a writer, perhaps you would like to elaborate on his thoughts for your readers.

What has your character been practicing lately?  Is her weapon of choice the same? Has it been upgraded?  Has she been training with a different weapon or technique?  Is she perhaps nervous about using something new?

Maybe she just repaired her sword, and she’s unsure if it’s as strong as it was before.  Perhaps she’s been studying a new technique, and she knows she’ll need to use it in this battle.  

Remember when Kuwabara first introduced his spirit sword in Maze Castle?  He was so proud of himself, and that whole battle was an introduction to his newfound technique, how he manipulated his sword, and how he was able to harness his spirit energy.  It’s far more interesting to see this development and exploration than to just watch him stab at Byakko a dozen times.

My point is that while your character probably should keep her emotions out of the ring, she may not be able to.  There are so many things that could be on her mind, plaguing her thoughts, especially if there’s a lot riding on this battle.  I think it’s really important to not only acknowledge the physical part of fighting but the emotional toll it can take a fighter, too.

Think about the fight between Yusuke and Toguro.  Toguro had just killed Genkai, and Yusuke took that very personally.  This was not a simple battle of strength or wits. This was a battle of emotions, and it wasn’t until Yusuke was able to master his feelings and reach beyond that “six foot wall of crap” as Genkai so affectionately calls it that he was able to finally defeat Toguro.

And the catharsis that came from defeating Toguro? It was made all the more powerful because Yusuke went through that emotional journey. It wasnʼt just a fight — it was a calling, a purpose, and a lesson.  It was painful and potent, and it made him realize just how much these experiences shaped him as a person.

2. Who is the opponent? 

Before I participate in a tournament, I do my research.  Who is likely to be competing? Who is in my weight class?  What do I know about these competitors? If I don’t have answers, I would find them.  I’d chat with my instructor, my fellow martial artists. Has anyone else from my school fought these people before?  What were they like? Are there videos online of their performance?  

I find as much information as possible. I make calls, send texts, take people out to lunch, scour the internet for information.  Even if your character lives in a less technologically dependent world, I would imagine that he might talk with friends, look through old records, listen to gossip and hearsay.  He might watch battles leading up to his own fight in an effort to learn more.

And if this pre-work isn’t possible, that’s okay.  Fights in your story may be entirely unpredictable, but your character can also learn things about his opponent during the match.  

When I step into the ring and ready myself to compete, one of the first things I want to find out is on which side my opponent is dominant.  In other words, are they right-handed? Or left-handed? Right-footed? Or left-footed? Maybe they only focus on one side during training (which is silly, but that’s another conversation).  But there could be an underlying reason why as well. Perhaps they injured themselves in the previous round or maybe they just don’t like exposing one particular side of their body for whatever reason.

This information is critical because this tells me what I need to watch out for, which side of my own body I should be guarding, how I may penetrate my opponent’s defenses.  How can I catch them when they least suspect it? Where can I knock them off balance? My instructor always told me to watch the shoulders — shoulders move before the rest of the body.  You can tell what your opponent is about to do by watching their shoulders.

Your character may wish to discover the same thing.  Maybe his opponent uses a two-handed sword and is very clearly right-handed.  This may give him some information on where his blind spot is — or maybe he just needs to disable his opponent’s right arm.  The possibilities are endless, and understanding his opponent will give him leverage, offering him many options.

Understanding an opponent’s technique is also important.  In martial arts, practitioners often favor a strategy or skill.  This seems obvious, but it’s vital that you understand what it is — only then you can combat it.  

Consider Kurama’s matches with Gama and Toya during the events of the Dark Tournament.  The English dub did a wonderful job voicing Kurama’s inner conflict during these fights, struggling with first his inability to move and then his imprisoned spirit energy — if you were to put these scenes into writing, explaining his thought process would be fascinating.  How does Kurama overcome these obstacles? He seeks to understand his opponents before he defeats them, which, unfortunately, also means he risks injury to himself until then.

Your character’s thoughts about the fight, interpreting for your audience what he feels he might need to do to secure victory, is just as important as detailing the fight itself.

3. What about the writing?

The writing will come once you begin to dissect your characters and their motivations for fighting.  Your characters aren’t one-dimensional, or, at least, they shouldn’t be!  

Your fight scenes shouldn’t be, either.  It’s not about two fighters trading blows. It’s about an artfully curated dance.  Two opponents are engaged in a craft that they both know well, and whether they’re fighting to win a tournament or for their very lives, they have reasons and complex thought processes that should make their fight interesting.  

There are two players here, and unless the fight is grossly one-sided, they’re both thinking and acting independently of one another.  My advice is to thread their actions and consequences together — weave the fight scene as if it’s a stream of conscious thought, separated into paragraphs, each with a shift in perspective, for clarity.  

Instead of writing:

Yusuke charged at Kuwabara and punched him in the face.  Kuwabara punched him in the mouth. Yusuke then kicked him in the stomach.

Try this:

Yusuke had little patience for Kuwabara’s bad jokes, and he rushed toward him, landing a blow square in the side of his head.

Kuwabara flew backward with a grunt, stabilizing himself before launching himself at Yusuke, returning the favor.  His fist collided with Yusuke’s jaw, a blow hard enough to knock the teeth out of any regular human.

Yusuke expected him to retaliate, and although he was nearly knocked off balance, he swung his leg around, making full contact with Kuwabara’s stomach.

You may also find it useful to deviate from the fighting itself.  You can speak to a character’s inner dialogue or thoughts, whether about the fight or something else.  You may choose to have them begin a brief conversation. Or you may describe what other characters are feeling about the fight as onlookers.

There are many ways to make these fight scenes seamless and interesting — take some time to explore your options!

Just a few more general tips that might help:

If you’re going to use a thesaurus, be mindful about it. I use a thesaurus when I write because I suffer all day, every day from tip-the-tongue syndrome.  But words, even if they generally fit the same definition, can have vastly different connotations, so before selecting a word from the thesaurus, do some digging.  Look at the exact definition and perhaps Google some common usage. Punch, slap, and stroke do not mean the same thing, even if a thesaurus might say otherwise.

Read your writing out loud.  If you’re unsure, this is the best way to understand your cadence, the flow of the battle.  Use your best Morgan Freeman or Jorge the Ogre voice.

Consider a beta reader.  Sometimes having a second opinion is immensely helpful.

Remember that there are no strict writing rules.  You write whatever your heart desires in whatever manner your heart desires.  Experiment and explore with different styles and techniques to find whatever works for you.

I hope you find this information useful!  Please feel free to suggestion additional blog posts you would like to see from me in the future.  ^_^  Of course, please reblog this if you found it helpful!

Pictures are, of course, not mine.  They are shots from the anime or other official derivatives.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

Happy (Slightly Belated) Birthday, Baghdad Waltz!

*CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BAGHDAD WALTZ UP TO CHAPTER 37*

I know these are stressful times right now, but I wanted to post a little something for BW’s third birthday on 3/13/2020 (and I’m a little late because I had a lot to say). THREE!! I cannot believe it. Truly, I cannot, but here we are. I know there are still a few stragglers hanging around from when I first started posting this story (extra hearts to you all), so many people who have come and gone and sometimes return again, and so many new people joining this crazy journey all the time. 

You are all so great, and you make it possible for me to keep writing this. I probably would have quit a long time ago without your support, because this shit has been quite hard to sustain sometimes. I know I am very bad at keeping up with comments and things, and I’m so sorry.  I am terrible with social media, too. People IRL will say the same thing about me. I am super old school and still talk on the phone with my friends. I KNOW. 

(Heyyyy Bayside High)

I’ve prepared a couple of things for BW’s birthday. First, a few statistics I thought I’d whip up. Then a few questions and answers about BW, both from myself and from my beloved beta, @pitchforkcentral86​. And I’m still trucking away diligently at chapter 38! I just have a few scenes to go. 

 -- BW Statistics -- 

---------------------------------------------

Words to date: 526,011

Chapters to date: 37

Shortest chapter: 3,821 words (Prologue)

Longest chapter: 31,395 words (Chapter 33)

Number of words per chapter: 12,530 (median), 14,257 (average) (note: the median is probably a better measure, since this is such an abnormal distribution - see below for the changes in chapter length over time)

Estimated total work to date: 2,890-3,120 hours (approx 18-20 hours/week). This includes writing, rewriting, editing, research, conversations with beta, outlining, and a small portion of the brainstorming. This is a conservative estimate and only includes a fraction of the ambient thinking I do about this story. And God, I do so much processing when I sleep! Perhaps I will be a BW “expert” -- estimated at around 10,000 hours I guess? -- by the time I am done with the story and all my revisions hahahahaaaaaa D: 

Money spent to date (estimated): $600-700. This includes books on various subject matter and writing craft, video access to therapy education resources, and other educational materials. This does not include the incalculable sum in lost productivity from thinking about BW when I’m supposed to be doing other things!

Most of you probably don’t know this, but @pitchforkcentral86​ is not just a beta reader. She is my partner in crime with BW. She knows my characters as well as I do, sometimes better. She helps me troubleshoot scenes, she tells me when my writing sucks, when my I’m not being true to my characters, when I’m not being real enough (sometimes when I’m being TOO real). She gives me porn inspiration and listens to me bitch and calls my bullshit and makes this story what it is. I really mean it - this story would not be nearly as good without her, and you can see how much better it gets once she starts to get involved around chapter 17. 

So I decided I would answer some silly little questions about BW. Just my own personal opinions about stuff! And asked @pitchforkcentral86​ to contribute as well. See below. 

What are my favorite scenes in BW and why? 

In no particular order: 

The 9/11 memory (Chapter 26): When Steve is in therapy with Hope remembering when Bucky returns from Ground Zero. This was one of the first times I experimented with writing in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way (though certainly not the last!). I have done several tweaks to it since the original version, texturing it more. It’s so rich in detail, visceral detail, little details about their relationship, pieces of Bucky’s past, clues about his alcoholism, the way he handles stress, his difficulties letting Steve in, the love Steve has for him, Bucky’s need to be loved and cared for and his aversion for it, it’s so, so rich. Gah. I love it. (GUH and @buckydunpun​’s ART - just murder me. Thanks.)

The Thor “breakup” scene (Chapter 28): This is the moment I think that many people realized Bucky is not a reliable narrator. Maybe they suspected it before, but this is when it’s very obviously apparent. His entire interpretation of his relationship with Thor is thrown into question. He built a rich fantasy about what they were, holding hands in the grass, all this bullshit, and he could actually say they were boyfriends, which makes complete sense because there were never any stakes. It was always surface. There was never any intimacy except as veteran/soldier friends who had sex, which is about as deep as Bucky can go anyway without getting utterly terrified. 

This is in such stark contrast to Steve, where there is actual intimacy, ongoing demand for more intimacy, and this relationship feels VERY real to Bucky, and it’s very frightening to him. And that’s why he runs from the term “boyfriend” with Steve. It’s all so real. It’s easy to engage with a fake boyfriend. But still, he didn’t deliberately realize he was doing this, so it was devastating to find out the truth of his own self-deception. And to hear that he’s not the kind of guy you settle with, he’s the guy you fuck… wow. But how can you really hate Thor? (I’m sure some of you can but…) He’s a nice guy. Even Bucky knows it. So he’s run from something good and real (Steve) to something good but false (Thor) and then he gets rejected from both. It’s horrible and so self-defeating and so quintessentially Bucky. I love it. 

A Close Second (Spent Brass fic): This whole side fic came together like a glorious dream. I love everything about it. It’s such a wonderful look into their relationship, into their dynamics, into their individual personalities, their idiosyncrasies, so much push-pull between them. Whispers of things that have happened to Bucky in the past, a lack of understanding from Steve, a desire to know, so much affection. Some good sex. I love this SB. But I love all the Spent Brass fics. They are so close to my heart. 

Honorable mention: Bucky’s masturbation scene during his bender (Chapter 32). I had an absolute BLAST writing this. Thanks to @pitchforkcentral86​ for proposing that Bucky’s core sexual/romantic desire is just to be kissed. Dayum. It all unfolded from there. 

Who is the character I think about the most? Bucky. I think because he’s got the most complex history and the most complicated psychology. He’s actually fairly rule-bound in terms of how he operates, but he’s got a lot of back story that explains how he became the way he is, and I spend a lot of time considering what happened to him and how he developed his self-image, his coping strategies, and his ideas about others and the world. I think a lot about his relationship with his parents. I think a LOT about bby Jamie. It’s not because Steve is not important or any less complex. But Bucky’s childhood experiences have shaped him in very specific ways, and I want to make sure that I represent them very thoughtfully. 

Who is my favorite character to write? Bucky. His voice and thought processes come to me more easily than Steve’s. Perhaps in part because of my personal penchant for the word “fuck.” I love writing his perspective, his preferences, his interpretations of situations. I love imagining the way he imagines the world. 

Who is my favorite supporting character? Winnie. I know she’s a very polarizing character, but I have so much affection for her. I think she’s a badass. She joined the military as a female officer back in the 1970s, which is incredible and rough. She kept her maiden name. This is a Southern conservative woman, an Air Force brat, raised by very conservative Southern people in a very conservative Pentecostal church, but she has always had an irrepressible rebellious, feminist badass streak in her even before she knew what feminism was. She might not even define herself as a feminist now. She has always done the best she can under very difficult circumstances, and she loves her kids, even though she sometimes sucks quite badly at mothering them. I love her for her imperfections. 

Favorite topic to research this year: I’ve been really enjoying researching emotionally focused couples therapy, which was developed by Sue Johnson, EdD. I’ve been watching therapy videos of couples going through this and having a wonderful time imaging Bucky and Steve going through something similar with Claire. I don’t think Claire is the strictest adherent to EFT, but I think she’s informed by it. It’s tough, because I’m very used to cognitive behavioral type therapies, so this one has been different to think about writing. I’ve also been really getting into reading about childhood sexual abuse and its effects on boys and men. It’s greatly helped my conceptualization of Bucky and Bucky and Steve’s relationship. I mean, it’s a grim topic, but there have been some fascinating threads in terms of understanding one’s self perception of sexual orientation, etc. and thinking about how Bucky would consider and contextualize his experiences. 

Am I more of a Steve or a Bucky? Hmm. I don’t strongly relate to either, but I think if I had to choose, I’m a bit more of a Steve. I’m pretty expressive of my affection and positive emotions, and I’ll complain about daily life things enough. However, when it comes to major life events that really bother me, I tend to err on the side of not processing them and turning my feelings into headaches and other physical afflictions. In other words, I’m a suppressor of major emotions and events. It’s FINE. I’m FINE. Nothing to see here. But I am definitely not as tidy as Steve, nor as smart, and definitely not as buff or hot. So that’s where most of our similarities end lol. I do eat a lot of tofu though. 

Who would I want to hang out with for a day? I initially thought Rikki, but like @pitchforkcentral86​, think she’s actually too cool and smart for me, and I would probably just make an ass out of myself. I think probably Elektra. I know, this is a left field answer, but it’s one day! To do whatever with anyone! I want to choose someone who’s going to make it worth my while. So many of the characters are either too busy, too rigid, too anxious, too conventional, etc. I would want to run around NYC with Elektra for the day and have drinks with her and Matt afterwards at some weird-ass underground bar. My more infield answer would probably be Hank. I want him to tell me gay stories about gay things. I want to see his apartment. I want to drink coffee with him. I want him to tell me about what the AIDS crisis was like for him. I want to hear about his relationship with Howard. I want all the shit that Bucky takes for granted every day. He can be my fairy godmother any day. 

Who would I want to be friends with? Probably Sharon. She’s one of the most reliable, loyal, and level-headed people in this world. She’s smart, she’s flexible, she rolls with things pretty well but also doesn’t take a ton of bullshit. She also has a good sense of humor about things. I feel like she’s someone I could call with my Zack Morris phone and talk with for hours about all sorts of things. We could also split a bottle of wine and talk some real shit. 

Wait - Why not Bucky or Steve? I don’t think these two are entirely likable, to be honest. They’re good humans, they mean well, but I don’t think they’re very well equipped in the friendship department.  I care about them very deeply (I hope that’s clear), but I don’t know if I’d want to be particularly close to either of them at this point in their lives. They’re both lacking in the skill and perspective to be good friends and partners, which is a major reason why they are in therapy. 

Who would I want to be my therapist - Hope, Bruce, Scott, or Claire? Claire. Given how much I suck at talking about the things that are really deeply bothering me, I think I would need an emotionally focused therapist who is going to dig in there and really get me to focus on all the emotions I’m trying to shove away. I would probably try to over-intellectualize everything and deflect, and I don’t think she’d let me get away with that. 

Okay, on to @pitchforkcentral86​~~~~~

What are my favorite scenes in BW and why? 

Oh boy. Well, this is a difficult question to answer since it feels like every chapter becomes a new favorite simply due to sheer amount of time spent planning and composing and revising and whining and complaining. And also my memory sucks. BUT, with that said, I think I would like to mention three scenes specifically:

1)      Bucky on deployment, cleaning a Humvee (Chapter 7), Steve standing nearby. This scene conveyed the tension of deployment and between Steve and Bucky so well, and, perhaps more importantly, built my respect towards Bucky as a competent, caring NCO (to that effect, the small scene in which we see Bucky the NCO on film telling all the little grunts to eat so they can become big and strong is another favorite).

2)      Beautiful Boy (Spent Brass), Steve’s memory from childhood with Sarah at the park, naming animals. I really don’t have a good reason other than that scene was so clear to me in my mind and was especially tender.

3)      Steve sleeping with Sharon in DC (Chapter 33). Honestly, it was just a great scene, and we had a really good time planning it out.

I can include many more, and certainly the ones Dread mentioned are favorites too, but I have to stop or this will just be a squeee fest.

Who is my favorite supporting character?

 Hank. His particular brand of honesty is extremely appealing to me, and I think Bucky secretly, or not so secretly, loves him too. And also Quill, just for shits and giggles because he is reliably there as an ice breaker, that lovable Mountain-Dew-drinking goof.  

Favorite topic to research this year: 

Well, I don’t do the research myself, but I spend many, many m-a-n-y hours listening to and conversing with Dread about all the things he’s delved into for this fic. So I guess maybe I’ll turn this question into favorite topic to discuss/conceptualize. In that respect, Bucky’s and Jack’s relationship has been by far the most intriguing, grueling, fascinating and difficult aspect of this fic to conceptualize – those were some of the best talks in the process. [Dreadnought edit: You will see much more of this in future chapters, folks!] And for a fun answer, planning out sex scenes is hilarious.

Am I more of a Steve or Bucky?

Bucky, no doubt. Sometimes it feels like Dread has climbed into my brain, found a horrible nugget of truth about me, and then put it into words coming out of Bucky’s mouth. Those moments are both wonderful and terrible in equal measure.

Who would I want to hang out with for a day?

For a whole day? Can it maybe be a coffee or, like, a quick lunch? I honestly don’t know… Neither Steve nor Bucky will be very good company, I think. Not in their current versions, anyways. Rikki is hella cool but she intimidates me, so, not her. Um.. Huh. Nope, don’t have an answer.

Who would I want to be friends with?

Probably Hank, again. He has a really good attitude. I’m starting to feel like not picking Steve/Bucky is selfish because it’s like “oh, they have too many issues and it won’t be fun”. But it’s also true! Friendship is reciprocal, and I really don’t think that’s where they’re at. (But I would have totally been dying to be friends with Steve in his bookshop days). 

Who would I want to be my therapist - Hope, Bruce, Scott, or Claire?

Hope or Claire. Both are no-nonsense competent therapists. But I think maybe Hope will be too put-together for me. So, yeah, probably Claire. 

-----------------------------

Okay, everyone. Back to the grind. I’ll update as soon as I can!  Remember to wash your hands with the fastidiousness of BW Steve Rogers. (And also remember to sing the “happy birthday fucking everyone” song, which should actually be sung TWICE or resentfully enough that it lasts 20 seconds.)

[deathboundinautumn]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE;  Meme.

Mun & Muse

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by:   @foxcharmed​ (ily) tagging:    oof this is a longer one so ima tag only a few people @rock-you-like-a-hurricxne​, @niflheimqueen​, @tacitusauxilium​, @finalhxaven​, @dxfiedfxte​, and anyone who wants to do it, steal it from me (I wont tell if you dont ;) )

MY MUSE IS:   canon / oc / au / slightly canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated.

IS YOUR CHARACTER POPULAR IN THE FANDOM?   YES? / NO. (I’m not entirely sure? I know he’s generally well-liked in the fandom)

IS YOUR CHARACTER CONSIDERED HOT™ IN THE FANDOM?   YES / NO / IDK. (I’m pretty sure people think he is)

IS YOUR CHARACTER CONSIDERED STRONG IN THE FANDOM?   YES / NO / IDK. (Yeah he's pretty fucking strong, just most people dont use him because you only have him for like a month :/ )

ARE THEY UNDERRATED?   YES / NO / IDK. (I wouldn’t say they are.  I mean the persona 3 fandom is already small as it is and everyone seems to like him so)

WERE THEY RELEVANT FOR THE MAIN STORY?   YES / NO 

WERE THEY RELEVANT FOR THE MAIN CHARACTER?   YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. (In vanilla game not as much but in other mediums that tell the story (which are also canon) yes they are)

ARE THEY WIDELY KNOWN IN THEIR WORLD?   YES / NO. (just a homeless orphan) 

HOW’S THEIR REPUTATION?   GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. (Depends on who you ask.  The other members of the Senpai squad would say he’s the goodest boy.  But others call him a criminal/vagrant/troublemaker and all sorts of things.  Shinji prefers his reputation to be leaning towards the bad side as he’s more likely to be left alone that way)

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?   —   I have a very very hard time breaking canon.  The big thing being his fate on Oct 4th, its very hard for me to not honor that.  I like that his story has a beginning, a middle, and an end.  I like how his sacrifice impacts the rest of the group.  I try to honor that this is what the character wanted and by not letting him have it that im cheapening his sacrifice.  That being said I do have my own headcanons about things but I would say theyre hardly canon divergent.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.   —   -pulls out homeless son from the dumpster- look at him, look at this burnt cinnamon roll.  He may be just a grumpy ol sour-puss but deep down there’s a heart of gold that can’t help but shine through.  Despite his reputation, my boy is wholesome and caring who will always go out of his way to help those in need even if he’ll deny it every time.  Just because he’s crunchy on the outside doesnt mean he aint soft on the inside. -tosses him back in the dumpster-

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).   —  Boy I sure hope you like building character relationships at a snails pace because hoo boy is it gonna take a long ass time for you to get anywhere with this boy.  Opening up? What’s that?  How to do?  He doesn’t want to get to know you or your muse.  He just wants to be left alone so he can die in peace.  Don’t bother him.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?   —   I dunno.  I replayed Persona 3 and just really really liked him.  Been in the RP game for a few years at that point and decided, meh fuck it.  If I don’t like it, I’ll just delete.  

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?   —   His struggle is something I hold very near to me and really cut me deep and still does.  Also all of you who think of me and wanna do things with me and my interpretation of Shinjiro <3

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

DO YOU THINK YOU GIVE YOUR CHARACTER JUSTICE?   YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? (I believe that I do/am very confident in my portrayal)

DO YOU FREQUENTLY WRITE HEADCANONS?   YES / NO / SORT OF? (I think about them alot but seldom write them down.  Maybe I’ll start since Im actually starting to use tags to organize stuff)

DO YOU SOMETIMES WRITE DRABBLES?   YES / NO (Yep yep yep.  Somethings start as drabbles that make it into the thread (-cough the flashback of Mitsuru leaving the dorms in a thread I have going with @niflheimqueen​-))

DO YOU THINK A LOT ABOUT YOUR MUSE DURING THE DAY?   YES / NO

ARE YOU CONFIDENT IN YOUR PORTRAYAL?   YES / NO / SORT OF? (tons of praise throughout the year from the community has made me confident that my portrayal is well-liked)

ARE YOU CONFIDENT IN YOUR WRITING?   YES / NO / A LITTLE BIT. (sometimes when I’m on, I’m on.  Other times I look at my writing and am just like ‘dude find a different hobby’ but I keep on keeping on and the highs have been way better than any low ive gone through.

ARE YOU A SENSITIVE PERSON?   YES / NO. / SORTA.

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?   —   Aye if its constructive hit me.  But if you’re just hating then that’s not much use to me.

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU TO EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?   — Fuck me up with this shit

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  — Sure, though I haven’t really had that happen before

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?   —  Live and let live.  Throughout the years there have been other Shinji’s out there who’s interpretation I’ve looked at and been like ‘nah this aint it chief’ but hey you know what’s real easy to do?  Not give a shit, live and let live.  So if someone didn’t agree with it, I wowuldn’t much care if they liked it or didn’t  its my interpretation and if they have a problem with it and make a point to come at me about it in a way that isn’t constructive then I’d say they have the bigger problem.

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?  — I’d be sad because he’s a good boy.  But again, if you really dont like him that much you don’t have to interact :’)

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?   —   Ye, I make em a lot sometimes (especially if Im tired or something else).

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?  —  I think so?   I haven’t been told that I’m not easy going and I’ve always felt very approachable.  I don’t always respond to dm’s but that’s because sometimes I’m busy but im always down to talk ooc.  It’s fun :’)

[asifindmypath]

Pop Culture Paganism: A Mental Exploration

My own personal thought experiment regarding a mental exploration of Pop Culture Paganism and Witchcraft. Don’t like it, you don’t need to read it. Flamers will be ignored. Constructive discussion and rebuttal is encouraged.

It’s worth noting that I’m a fairly recent “convert” to a pagan setting. I consider myself an eclectic polytheistic pagan witch. I worship a number of gods from different pantheons, and have a generally mixed Eclectic spirituality. I’m still learning and experimenting and discovering my craft and my path. I am not an expert by any means, and the following are my personal opinions. The only reason this post is not Private like most of my entries on this blog is because I feel this discussion may be validating for some who are put down for their faith. 

Now without further ado, if you’re interested, check under the Cut. ;)

I’ve been doing a lot of research recently. It started by my looking up if it’s offensive to the gods to watch/enjoy/associate them with pop culture. Is Hades offended by my love of the Disney version of him? Would Bast or Serket be offended by my using images of them as they appear in video games like Smite? 

I’ve come to answer myself with; it depends. It’s going to require experimentation, meditation and asking each specific god their preference, but in general, I think the answer is mostly no. If you have the proper intent, I think the gods appreciate it all the same.

I found an interesting Reddit Thread in which their was a discussion about Pop Culture Paganism. I didn’t realize that was even a thing, but reading the discussion was fascinating, and validating. While some are offended by the mere thought of not strictly following the old ways as closely as we can, others argue that myths of the old gods began as stories. 

It’s doubtful that if these gods existed as real people or divine beings before humans, that these stories we know of them are one hundred percent accurate. Humans are fallible, we embellish, we exaggerate, and even when trying to be as accurate as possible, we still insert personal bias into everything. We can’t help it, it’s in our nature. So any story, true or not, is going to, at it’s core, be subject to the bias both of the original first-hand account, by every subsequent retelling, and by the person hearing it. 

Therefore, why is it offensive to the gods to follow a new retelling of them? a modern version of a god, like, Loki and Thor, for instance, should be just as valid. It’s doubtful that the comic writers and film producers over at Marvel have consciously been contacted by Loki and Thor to tell them how to depict them, but does that mean that the gods weren’t influencing their own stories? Could Loki not have inserted the ideas, placed sources of inspiration into the lives of the writers? Of course he could have.

Another point that was brought up was that new gods spring up all the time. There is a new goddess being worshiped in India by the Dalit community. There are authors who have unwittingly created new gods or religions with their writings. There are sects of people who worship the Valar from Tolkien’s universe, the Jedi Way is a recognized religion now, Lovecraftian monsters are widely accepted as actual ancient beings and have permeated so many areas of culture. Some Celtic deities are traced back to seeming works of fiction.

Some people use pop culture figures as associations for their gods; more tangible, relate-able and realistic than their ancient stories. I recently made a strong association between Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock and Thoth. I’ve also used a Tolkien Mantra of sorts to honor Anubis; Patience being a struggle for me, and one of His attributes, I will occasionally find myself thinking of Treebeard’s signature philosophy, “do not be hasty.”

Some do actually worship fictional characters, even those not intended to be deified. Some use archetypal characters for worship and find pop culture associations for them, but some literally worship Batman or Sailor Moon. Some use fictional characters in spirit work, or create spells around them. The concept of the energy, the love and adoration, the living and breathing history and collective thought poured into and about these characters, this whole process makes absolute sense to me. I’m not sure if I’ll go quite so deep into it, though perhaps. Vi has already mentioned potentially worshiping Clavicus Vile. I’d be okay with that. 

Given that many works of fiction draw from real life mythology, legends or properties, a lot of fictional deities and characters have some real-life counterpart. One can find strong correlations to the Gems in Stephen Universe having similar properties to their real-life crystal and stone counterparts. Many fictional deities are amalgamations of real gods. Hell, many “primary” sources of old gods are works of fiction in and of themselves, such as the works of Homer. While there may be truth the stories, they are embellished and theatrical to make it interesting to read, and are at best an artist’s interpretation of events.

I saw another post today that was so validating. Can’t find it right now, or I would link it. Basically it said that a god becomes a god when someone believes they are one. It could be a single person. They are a god. The older the god, the more energy put towards it, the more followers they have, the stronger they become. So in my mind, old gods like the Egyptian, Roman, Norse, Celtic, ect. gods, those of ancient civilizations, most of these will be far more powerful than a new god with a small following. Millions of people did and still do worship Anubis. There are probably only a select few who worship Dipper Pines (though given GF’s cult following, I’m sure I’d be surprised at that number-). Therefore Anubis has more influence and power as an established god, able to reach out even to those unaware of him at the time, and sometimes bring people to the fold this way. Versus Dipper, if deified, would have a harder time calling to a random new child to join the cult of the Mystery Twins. 

My concept, which I originally considered a sort of excuse or explanation of my odd and unusual spiritual beliefs, is that energy is a force, it’s neither created, nor is it destroyed. If magic is just channeling one’s will into existence, expending your energy and maybe using other energy aids (a burning candle, a charged crystal, stored energy in plant matter, ect) to yield a desired effect, then why can’t the same concept be put towards anything? If we can will the spirits to read our futures, if we can will two people to fall in love, or will the universe to cause someone bad luck or harm, why can we not will a new being into existence? 

In the same way that offerings, prayers and even uttering the name can strengthen older, established gods; in the same way, why can I not make offerings, prayers and epitaphs to Smaug, or Winnie the Pooh, or any fictional character? 

Personally, the concept of pop culture magic is also fascinating to me, and that makes even more logical sense to me. If we take a character like Ash Ketchum. A character of indomitable spirit, fierce determination, immortality, and innocence; a character beloved by millions, who’s journeys have inspired generations of children, even shaped the lives of some - there is magic there. There is so much collective thought, energy, love, adoration there. So many know his name, his image, his stories. There are myths and legends about him, theories about other adventures, other possibilities. Artwork is made, statues created, there are buildings dedicated to his world, his friends and family, the animals and creatures of his world. 

Even if you don’t see the correlations to a god from an outside perspective, that amount of power centered around some pixels on a television screen is real. It’s there, it exists. No witch or magic user should be able to deny that. Using that stored energy in a spell would be simple when looking at it from this perspective. In the way we can take an animal, look over all its aspects, and channel it into our spells. In the same way we can invoke Mother Bear for strength, maternal protection and love, we could invoke a character like The Doctor for wisdom, compassion and a drive to do what’s right. 

The other angle here, is that anyone who subscribes to the Many Worlds Theory can’t really deny the possibility of most of this. This theory proposes there are an infinite number of universes full of infinite possibilities. There is a world where the Roman Empire never collapsed and we’re all living under the new Caesar. There is a world where modern day man is still living alongside dinosaurs. There is a world where ours does not exist. There is a world exactly the same as this one, except that you ate cereal for breakfast today instead of scrambled eggs. There’s a world where dogs are the dominant species and keep humans as pets. There is a world where the Avengers are fighting against Thanos. One where Luke Skywalker is teaching younglings in the Jedi Temple. One where Ash and Pikachu are traveling to another new region in the Pokemon world. One where we live in a giant computer simulation. Infinite. Possibilities.

I’m not here to convince anyone, I may or may not even practice any of this, it’s just some interesting thought exercise. I like thinking about things like this sometimes. I also think that in a world where we are beginning to pave our own Paths; we’re inventing identities for ourselves, discovering new genders, sexualities, magics, gods, everything; that we should be kind to each other as we discover these new avenues. To each their own, and live and let live <3

Blessed be, everyone, and may you all find whatever Path you wind up on fulfilling and full of joy.

[macgyvermedical]

Fun Things To Do With Ethanol, A “Friends + Enemies + Border,” Scientific/Medical Review

I have so much on my plate right now. This is going to take forever and I shouldn’t be writing this. But... Have I ever told you about how much I love low resource surgery?

Like, it is 100% my THING.

I want to tell you ALL ABOUT IT.

The episode is split between MacGyver and Desi staging a last stand at a pediatrician’s office with a group of Syrian refugees in Bosnia and Bozer and Riley contending with a bomb-based booby trap meant for Oversight. There are plenty of decent based-in-reality MacGyverisms in this ep, and the ones I particularly want to focus on involve the use of ethanol as a vehicle fuel, use of gunpowder as a cauterizing agent, and the realities of trying to complete improvised surgery under the circumstances in the episode.

Ethanol

In the first scene, Mac and Desi are driving a car running on homemade ethanol. Mac explains that he had rushed the fermentation of the ethanol himself, leading to a less-than-smooth ride.

Traditionally, ethanol is what we think of as drinking alcohol- vodka, beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages contain ethanol as the psychoactive ingredient. In certain parts of the world, particularly the US, Brazil, and much of Europe, ethanol is a common vehicle fuel as well. Ethanol is popular because it’s renewable (its made from feedstock like grain, sugar beets, potatoes, and anything else that’s sugary or starchy that you happen to have a lot of), produces less air pollution than gasoline, and is also cheaper than gasoline (it gets about 1/3 fewer miles per gallon, though, so the price difference isn’t as significant as it looks).

Most gas sold in the US is a mixture of up to 10% ethanol and 90% gasoline called E10, and most gas sold in Brazil is E25. Starting in 1999, certain vehicles (called “Flex Fuel” vehicles) were designed to run on higher concentrations of ethanol, like E85. Flex Fuel vehicles are capable of running on up to E100, but E100 itself is fairly rare outside of Brazil.

Because ethanol is produced like traditional drinking alcohol, it’s not completely unrealistic that Mac could have made some. All he would have needed to do was mix some yeast, sterile water, and starch/sugar together, wait until ethanol formed (a process called fermentation), and then heat it so the ethanol evaporated out. He would then have to collect the ethanol vapor and let it condense, a process called distillation. Since some water vapor would evaporate too, the distillation process would have to happen multiple times to have a high enough concentration of ethanol to be usable fuel.

Now, it takes about 3 days minimum to produce ethanol by fermentation under even perfect temperature conditions, and since the yeast’s gotta do the heavy lifting, there’s not tons you can do to speed it up. Speeding up the distillation process, however (not distilling the ethanol enough times), could have resulted in a higher-than-ideal water content, which may have caused the problems shown in the episode.

While we don’t know how long they were stuck and Mac and Desi could definitely have kept themselves and their criminal charges alive in the wilds of Bosnia for three or more days, it seems a little suspect that Matty would have tolerated that long without communication.

Now, even though the vehicle was clearly manufactured before 1999 and was therefore not a flex fuel vehicle, it could have run temporarily on a relatively high ethanol blend. So if they stopped and added ethanol before the gasoline actually ran out and then were careful to drove slowly, they could probably could have made it to a gas station on their improvised fuel. It might have caused some engine knocking and decreased performance, but it would have been possible.

Cauterization

I’ll start with the fact that you really can stop bleeding with cauterization. Surgeons do it all the time with a tool called an electrocauteur, which is a tiny electrode that gets hot enough to very precisely burn the cut end of a bleeding vessel. Long ago, cauterization was also used a lot less precisely to stop severe bleeding, treat infection, and seal amputation wounds. Heck, the 1985 ep “To Be A Man” featured Mac getting an infected bullet wound cauterized while trapped behind Soviet lines in Afghanistan.

Now, despite that ringing endorsement, cauterization is not something you should consider in a remote environment. For one thing, the old-timey medical people were wrong- burn wounds, like those incurred during cauterization, are actually more likely to get infected than most other kinds of wounds. Burns damage cells deeper than the surface, and those damaged cells can’t fight infection like healthy ones could.

But what if they’re going to bleed to death? Wouldn’t it be better to save them now and deal with infection later? Well, the problem with this is that either the wound is on a limb and improvising a tourniquet is a better option, or the vessel is very deep in the abdomen or chest (as the big bleedy ones tend to be), and the average person is never going to be able to find the bleeding vessel without doing enough additional damage to kill the person in the process.

Let’s talk specifically about the wound in the episode. Take a look at the picture above. You’ll note the abdomen is not just a slab full of bleeding things like a lot of TV makes it out to be. There’s a lot of organs in there, and if they get damaged they can lose function, cause severe blood loss (liver, spleen), or spill infectious (intestines) or digestive (pancreas, stomach) material into the sterile sac that holds the abdominal organs. Spills of stomach acid, digestive enzymes, or fecal material can cause severe infection or physical damage that can be life threatening.

A gunshot wound as shown in the episode would have gone through Felix’s left upper quadrant, a little above and to the left of his belly button (belly button being roughly where the yellow lines cross). Mac assesses the wound and determines that Felix is bleeding severely, to which Nazir replies that if he had a needle and some thread he could sew it up.

Now, as you may have guessed, simply sewing the wound closed wouldn’t do Felix any good. Let’s assume that the bullet only went through the horizontal (transverse) part of the large intestine, and maybe a small artery. Because of this, Felix has fecal material spilling into the previously sterile sac around his intestines which will cause infection if not cleaned up. He also has a non-functional large intestine preventing him from taking in food or liquid. Add some blood loss and a damaged artery that was possibly taking that blood somewhere important and is now spilling that blood into a place it shouldn’t be, and no sewing/cauterizing is going to realistically solve any of those problems- even in the very short term.

So what to do? Well, that’s not an easy answer. Realistically, he needs surgery as soon as he can get it. Until that happens, direct pressure can help slow the blood loss. And I’m talking like someone’s whole body weight on that wound. Remember- that bleeding vessel is really far in there, so a lot of things are going to have to deal with getting compressed if he’s truly in a life-threatening blood loss situation.

Like the idea of sewing the wound closed, the gunpowder macgyverism seems to just seal the top layer of the wound, not doing anything for the actual part that was bleeding. Plus, given that igniting gunpowder on someone would probably cause additional damage, its just not a good idea. A macgyverism to take it’s place could be the diagnosis of the damaged intestine by remarking on the smell of fecal material. Sure, its a family show, but you gotta start training kids to recognize bowel injuries early, right?

Improvised Surgery

I just want to stop and give credit to the fact that someone on the writing team recognized that Felix needed surgery for his abdominal gunshot wound. It doesn’t always happen on TV, and the fact that it happened on a show that once confused a simple oxygen mask with a ventilator while at the same time confusing oxygen with compressed air is pretty nice.

I also want to recognize that the whole point of this story was that they went back for and saved Felix. In fact, Adnan’s line “to have left him would have proved true the kind of lies that are told about us” made it abundantly clear that Felix kinda had to live. But I agree with Dr. Terzic’s assessment that he has an exceptionally low chance of survival.

Let’s start the improvised surgery discussion with what actually needs done to save Felix. This includes:

Stabilization- fluids/blood/oxygen/etc...

Stopping the bleeding and/or restoring blood flow to where the artery was taking it

Repairing the intestinal wound

Cleaning up the spilled fecal material in Felix’s abdomen

Closing the peritoneum (the abdominal organ sac)

Closing the entrance/exit wounds

Treating infection/draining pus/preventing additional problems

The situation can be interpreted one of two ways- version one is that they just need to do the bare minimum to save Felix’s life in the moment, after which he could be actually operated on by a surgeon in a more applicable facility. Version two is that this is all the medical care Felix is going to get for this wound, and the entire surgery has to be completed here or it never will be completed.

Version One:

Assuming that the most immediate life threat for Felix is, in fact, bleeding, the focus of any intervention only has to be on stabilizing him and maybe stopping the bleeding if it’s getting in the way of that. Most family practice and pediatrician’s offices would have some emergency supplies. Maybe not a crash cart, but equipment to take vitals, oxygen and various ways to deliver it, limited IV equipment and fluids, a bag-valve-mask device, limited emergency drugs, and a few choice emergency phone numbers.

Felix has been unconscious for a long time, and that’s really concerning because being unconscious from blood loss typically means not enough blood is getting to the brain and that brain tissue is dying. If he isn’t already dead, he’s definitely in shock, so they need to assess and treat that by getting some vitals on him, getting available IV fluids into him, giving him oxygen and/or supporting his breathing with the BVM, and basically doing everything they can do to keep his blood circulating oxygen as effectively as possible while doing what they can to get him to definitive help. All this while continuing pressure or packing the wounds to put some internal pressure on the bleeding artery to stop things from getting worse.

Version Two:

Listen, the idea of performing major abdominal surgery in a pediatrician’s office should freak you out. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and it’s actually pretty terrifying the way it shakes out in the episode.

And yet, because the reality is people live and get sick in places without available and/or high-tech medical resources, low-resource surgery happens- and it happens a lot. While a lot of times the survival rates are much higher in places with oxygen and running water, even really basic things like IV access and monitoring equipment aren’t 100% necessary in all cases.

That being said, there are better candidates for it than others. Given that Felix is unconscious for the entire episode, how invasive and intricate this surgery would have to be if it was all he was going to get, and the fact that a pediatrician is not remotely trained for this, I don’t think he’s a good candidate for it. 

Now, you probably want me to talk about it anyway, so let’s say instead that Felix is hemodynamically stable, conscious, and that the pediatrician was, in a past life, a battlefield trauma surgeon. This doesn’t make things perfect, but it evens the playing field a little. They’re now playing on “difficult” rather than “legendary”.

More on low resource surgery overall.

A lot of the monitoring, ventilation equipment, and drugs necessary in modern western surgery is because of the anesthesia used. Using something like ether, which doesn’t (often) cause significant vitals signs changes at anesthetic doses, doesn’t require specialized monitoring equipment to use. Plus, ether acts as a muscle relaxant when used as an inhaled anesthetic (necessary for abdominal surgery) while not interfering with respiration like other agents would. Making it from ethanol (maybe they have some left over?) and sulfuric acid (from, say, a lead-acid battery) is both possible and the macgyverism of the century.

More on ether here.

Anyway, moving on to the surgery itself. Scroll back up and take a look at the list. Doing all of that would require a large, midline incision.

Very high-level, the surgeon would find the bleeding vessel and probably clamp it off if it wasn’t going anywhere important. The likelihood that they’d actually be able to do surgery to repair the artery is pretty low under these conditions, so if it was going to, say, a small section of intestine that had no other way of getting blood and would die if the vessel was clamped, it might make more sense to remove that section so it wouldn’t cause problems by dying inside Felix later.

Then they’d have to find and then repair and/or remove and re-connect the section of intestine damaged by the bullet. Once all this was finished, they’d have to wash the remaining intestines and abdominal organs as thoroughly as possible to prevent infection from the spilled fecal material, placing one or more drains to the outside which would continue to remove pus and any other fluid that could accumulate. Finally, they’d have to repair and close the rest of the damage done around the entrance and exit wounds.

More on laparotomies here.

It’s a lot bigger of a surgery than just sewing things shut, and Felix has a long recovery ahead of him. Hopefully IV or IM antibiotics and IV fluids are available, because he’s not going to be able to do oral anything for a while. He seems young and otherwise healthy, though, so provided nothing else goes wrong, there’s a chance he’d actually survive long-term.

P.S.

I would like to note that they finally threw a little timely social commentary in by centering the A-plot around aiding a group of Syrian refugees. the conversations that ensued in the doctor’s office, including Sana and Desi’s conversation about their experience of being a refugee and an immigrant respectively and Adnan talking about how out of options they were lent a sympathetic narrative to a concept that has otherwise routinely been used for fearmongering and the spreading of hate in mainstream media. It’s just tip-toeing into the water, but there was something very 1985 MacGyver about it and I hope it continues.

Awl - X-Ray + Penny - Duct Tape + Jack - CD + Hoagie Foil - Guts + Fuel + Hope - Wilderness + Training + Survival - Father + Bride + Betrayal - Lidar + Rogues + Duty - Nightmares - Seeds + Permafrost + Feather -

[houseofvans]

SKETCHY BEHAVIORS | INTERVIEW WITH PEARL C. HSIUNG

LA based multimedia artist Pearl C. Hsiung explores the relationships between humans and nature through her various paintings, sculptures, videos and installations.  In a collaboration with the Borrego Boys & Girls Club as well as members of the public, Pearl recently created a site-specific sculpture using wood, plexiglass and non-recyclable plastic waste. She’s also unveiling a large-scale tile mosaic commission in 2022 at the new 2nd/Hope St Metro station in downtown, LA. We’re excited to find out more about Pearl’s artwork, collaborations, and what she’s got coming up for the rest of the year.

Take the Leap! 

Photographs courtesy of the artist. 

Could you introduce yourself to everybody? Hi I’m Pearl C Hsiung, I live and work in Los Angeles.  ‘Hsiung’ is pronounced ‘shung’ and means the animal bear in Chinese.  I have a pet mini-Rex named Rambo who lives free- range in my apartment.

How would you describe the art you create? How would you describe your particular technique? I’d say that my practice uses the landscape as a starting point for thinking through our connection to it and towards the idea that we are inseparable from the matter around us.  If all matter in the universe combusted out of the same material then our current, subjective reality, where we behave as if we’re defined apart from everything around us, is an illusion.  

In past painting, video and installation works this is performed through metamorphosing, flowing and eruptive forms bursting out of their geological, biological, technological, and cultural skins.  In works like Full Gorge (2017) and Original Face (2018), I was thinking about the interconnection of all that is natural, human, more-than-human and artificial through an experience of immersive presence in material space.  

For me, these free-standing paintings point to a certain moment of presence, not unlike the moment I experience sometimes after reading certain zen kõans or Daoist phrases; it is an instant moment, a moment of clarity where I understand it all.  But it is fleeting, it is a momentary experience that precedes, challenges or completely eludes language.  Maybe this is not unlike a moment experienced when in nature, during sex or laughter (during both?), plugged into VR or while coding.  

What are your favorite things to paint? What should folks take away from your works? I enjoy painting on canvas, paper, MDF, wood…  Actually I hope people bring to my works.  I encourage the exchange that I make the work and viewers bring their perceptions and interpretations.

What’s a typical day in the studio for you like? And what are you currently working on in the studio? My studio schedule is fluid depending on the season.  It also depends on how much I’m teaching, I may only get one full day and a couple half days a week for the studio, other times I’m 5-6 days a week.  Time spent in the studio varies a lot and can include research, reading, sketching, painting, writing, building, cleaning, organizing, accounting, correspondence, grant proposals, teaching applications, pacing, prepping for big work/big actions, paint experiments, materials tests, staring, repotting plants…

I’m starting on new work for a show at Visitor Welcome Center in Koreatown in November 2019.

When you’re working on and developing a new painting or piece, how does it begin - take us from sketchbook, to color choices, to finished painting?   New work is always a continuation of themes and ideas from previous works and research. The form changes as the focus shifts on those ideas or approaches.  The decisions on everything from composition, structure, color palette and presentation are informed by this new focus as well as the new context of making that work.  Personal, experiential, studio environment, cultural influences, topical events all seep into that.  The sketchbook is full of garbage, I let it sit there to compost and sometimes it sprouts a new bud…

What tools will someone always find you using at your studio? What are your preferred materials? Tools have changed through the years.  More recently you’ll see squeegees and plastic paint guides (that I use like a squeegee) rather than brushes for the paintings.  Consistently, I use white paper and tape as painting tools.  The computer, the internet and books are always studio necessities for research and admin tools.  I use paints and inks that comes tubes, tubs, tins, buckets, bottles, spray cans, jars, sets on canvas, cold-pressed paper, MDF, cardboard.  I’ve been experimenting with painting on non-recyclable plastic I’ve tried to make into it’s own substrate but it’s not yet working out.

How do you unplug yourself so to speak? What do you do to center or re-focus yourself if you find yourself stressed out about deadlines, art shows, and the sort? When the stress piles up it helps if I do yoga first thing in the morning in my living room, but the best way to deal with the stress is to work through it.  When I feel overwhelmed by anxiety relating to projects, teaching, or deadlines, it usually helps me to become more prepared, using research, preparation and experimentation to deal with the parts that can be addressed.  For short term refocusing, I step outside and stare at things:  the sky, the plants outside of my studio, the birds on the telephone lines, the clouds.  Or I’ll take a walk around the block, change my daily routine like driving a different route, take the bus, walk through the grocery or thrift store before getting to work.  

For longer term re-centering, if I can, I leave town or just go stare at the ocean.  Staring is like open-eyed meditation for me, I try to empty out my thoughts, blank out and spend unscheduled time.  Sleep well and spending time with family and friends are also priceless rechargers.

You recently worked with AIR Talks: Candlewood Arts Festival collaborated with folks you met at the Borrego Boys & Girls Club? Tells us about the festival, the project and about the various workshops you helped conduct? Why was this event so important to you? This was the inaugural Candlewood Arts Festival, a temporary public art event in the town of Borrego Springs located in the Anza Borrego State Park.  Tanya Aguiniga, Devon Tsuno, Kor Newkirk, Mario Ybarra Jr and I created different site- and community-specific sculptures and happenings during the last weekend of March 2019.  Most of our works were located out in Galleta Meadows, an open, outdoor lot amidst the expansive desert landscape.  

For my sculpture Holocene Screen, I collaborated with youth from the Borrego Boys & Girls Club as well as members of the public during a workshop at the Borrego Art Institute to create a sculpture using wood, plexiglass and non-recyclable plastic waste that considered the simultaneity of nature, human and artificial as a landscape within a landscape.  

As part of the Holocene Screen workshop process, the students had to brainstorm words that fell into three categories: nature, human and artificial.  Then they were asked to write a short story, poem or single sentence using one word from each category which they painted onto a plexiglass window in the sculpture.  It was interesting to learn how easy it was for them to identify elements from nature and human, yet struggle with artificial.  

We had discussions about what artificial is and what items from their everyday lives fall under that definition.  Their next step was to visualize and compose a singular picture or narrative that threaded all three.  I think that was a good example of how easily we can grasp, and even romanticize and/or idealize the relationship between nature and human, and the difficulty or resistance to imagining the artificial in our aesthetic compositions or picture of reality.  

My intention, for both workshop participants and myself, was to place these three elements in one view, one image in order to de-emphasize the space between natural and unnatural.  What does that look like and where does that lead us to.

What do you enjoy about collaborations? What would be your dream collaboration? The best aspect of collaboration is giving up control and the sharing of ideas and labor.  Working in the studio is so solitary that it can be a great relief to open up to working with someone else or others.

Earlier this year you also showed works and visited with the Paramo Galeria in Guadalajara! Tell us a bit about the overall experience and exhibition. I had paintings included in New Suns, a group exhibition curated by Kris Kuramitsu at Paramó, it was the first time I’ve been to Guadalajara.  It was thrilling to be showing with such a strong group of artists, Sherin Guirguis, Kenyatta A.C. Hinkle, Nasim Hantehzadeh and Gabriella Sánchez among them.  I went for the opening back in December and also spoke on a panel with Sherin, Kenyatta and Kris at the Guadalajara International Book Fair, which I learned is the largest book fair of the Americas and the second largest in the world.  

Another first was speaking to an audience while being translated sentence by sentence.  We had a really furtive conversation though regarding the themes that our practices share.  

Something else that was new for me, was having an experience that someone might call…spirit related.  Ghost or undead related?  I told you about it later and you also had a ghostly experience the same weekend but in Big Bear?  

All I will say is that it was a disturbance by very young thing that was too visceral to be a dream.

You’ve worked in various mediums from murals to sculpture to painting to video / animation. Is there a medium you’ve yet to try that you want to get into? I like an answer that Gertrude Stein gave during an interview from 1935.  It regards the forms that writing takes, i.e. the novel, the autobiography etc, so I’m taking it out of context a bit, but the interviewer asks her “What has passion got to do with choosing an art form?”  She answers “Everything.  There is nothing else that determines form.”  So I think I’ve let form, or choice of medium come from the initial impulses of the work I end up making.  Maybe there is a VR piece or mural in bronze in my future….

What’s the most challenging aspect of what you do? How do you overcome these obstacles? What keeps you going? Financial sustainability.  Keeping the studio open while also preserving time to work in it.  I live off a financial collage composed of hustling - teaching, selling work, artist lectures, panel discussions, grants, commissions - but the stress of keeping it together has taken years off my life!

Share with us some artists you’re really excited about as of late.  York Chang,The Signal and The Noiseat Vincent Price Art Museum, April-July 2019. What I like about York Chang’s works in this show is that he uses information, text, images and sound to magnify the chaotic and disorienting feeling that comes with checking your phone, radio or tv for news or information. Facts and truths are just atoms floating around in a giant cosmos of distorted narratives, info, and transmissions, you cannot locate the signal or its source amidst the noise. The show’s installation makes you feel swallowed up in this, it’s enveloping yetliberating to be lost in, setting you up to enjoy the weird connections that York makes.

Carolina Caycedo’s Apariciones / Apparitions, a video exhibited at the Huntington Library last summer (you can see it on view at the Vincent Price Art Museum this summer, June 15 - December 21, 2019.)  This video is gorgeous and powerful.  Female, black, brown and queer dancers twirl, flounce, throb and glide throughout the colonial-style and asian gardens and libraries of the Huntington.  Sometimes they are totally fluid bodies in motion and at others times quite still and making spellbinding eye-contact with the viewer. You are watching a conjuring of the bodies and spirits of those whose representations and histories are missing throughout the art, books and histories archived in the Huntington’s collections.

Christina Quarles But I Woke Jus’ Tha Same at Regen Projects, April-May 2019. I suggest people see her paintings in person, they are really engaging.  They are figurative, figures coupling, moving into and through each other, embracing beyond recognition by the brain and into recognition by the flesh.  Materially they are gymnastic, virtuosic but not stuffy and make me want to paint. York Chang, The Signal and The Noise at Vincent Price Art Museum, April-July 2019.  What I like about York Chang’s works in this show is that he uses information, text, images and sound to magnify the chaotic and disorienting feeling that comes with checking your phone, radio or tv for news or information. Facts and truths are just atoms floating around in a giant cosmos of distorted narratives, info, and transmissions, you cannot locate the signal or its source amidst the noise.

Dynasty Handbag (Jibz Cameron) is a performance, video artist who lives in LA right now.  She’s the sharpest, funniest, slipperiest, grotesque-adjacent comic performer in the universe.  When you see her live, she reads the room, the crowd and herself so spontaneously that you’re always on a mood-swinging rollercoaster. She’s so distortedly vulnerable, proud and charming that you’re not only laugh-crying with and at her, but you’re mostly dying over how culture makes us schizo and insane.  She hosts a monthly queer performance night called Weirdo Night here at Zebulon.

What are your favorite Vans? SK8-His that are all solid black w/ black soles.

What do you have coming up that you can share with us? I’ve got a show opening in November 2019 at Visitor Welcome Center in Koreatown, LA and a large-scale tile mosaic commission at the new 2nd/Hope St Metro station in downtown LA, opening in 2022!!

FOLLOW PEARL | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM 

[soloscribbles]

Over the Love

[ Leon Kennedy x F.O.S Agent!Fem!Reader. Eventual Married! Leon x Reader. Begins some time between RE2 and RE4. ]

Summary: You have Leon to thank for everything turning out the way it did, so you’re determined (‘too personally determined’, the other agents say) to watch over him in your own way.

Progress: 2 / ??

What I Listened to While Writing: Youngblood by 5SOS

Warning(s): Alcohol, mentions of d*ath/viol*nce/g*re, intoxication

  You already know this but Leon is pretty determined. In some cases, this is an essential and beneficial trait. It means he’ll fight through any thread and come out fine. He’ll help others in danger like he did for you without much pressure or thought. You’re certain that’s the kind of man Leon is underneath the flirtations and smartass remarks, and it gives you enough courage to start believing in humanity even in the midst of the bioterrorism. Other times, this tenacity leaves you in a state of confusion. 

  You’ve been playfully telling him to tray again whenever he asks for a date or your number. It’s done in fun and sometimes you switch up the dynamic and pretend you don’t understand what he’s implying with his flirting. You expected him to give up after a while but he manages to keep going without fail. It’s something of a routine, a new part of your relationship. You’re still unsure if there’s any romantic potential, considering one-on-one contact is limited by your jobs, but you’d also be lying if you say you aren’t beginning to get curious about the prospect. Because of the little feeling you decide to jump on an opportunity to spend some quality time together. 

  It’s when he’s telling you that his mission is over; he’s empty-handed but the assignment is only based on a rumor after all. He cracks a smile in that particular way and you know what’s coming afterwards. 

  “So, am I going to get deflected again if I ask?” He inquires, his voice giving off a relaxed yet playful tone. 

  You give him a smile in return as you usually do. “No.”

  That catches him off guard that you feel proud of yourself, your smiling growing. You have to hold in a chuckle. 

  “But--” You emphasize. “It’s jut a friendly hangout.”

  He lets out a sigh. “You don’t give up easily. You’re still holding out.”

  You shake your head. 

  That’s not your intentions. You’ve been refusing based on your thinking that there’s not enough there to build something from. Past shared trauma aside, that is. While you certainly have gone through the darkest, roughest part of your life with Leon and grew an attachment to each other, you don’t believe you can create a steady romance only after spending a short time in the closest thing you can call hell. 

  “It’ll be good for us to cool off after so much work. Besides, when was the last time you went out with a girlfriend?” you say.

  “You trying to say it’s been a while?”

  “Maybe so, Agent Kennedy.” 

  You don’t have much room to talk, though. You can barely remember how your last relationship was like. 

  “If you’re free this weekend,” you add in before he can say anything smart in return. 

  His face looks contemplative and you interpret that as a bad sign. He seemed like he’d have jumped at the chance before. Did you misstep somewhere? 

  He leaves you like that for a few moments before he decides to grace you with an answer. 

  “Saturday’s good if nothing happens. Gimme your number so we can talk?”

  Leon Kennedy’s personal number is in your phone. Not something you ever expected, but not something you’re complaining about, of course. 

  And you’re actually going to spend some casual - as casual as it can get - time out with him. It’s the first time since the incident, you feel normal outside of the workplace when it’s lunchtime and you’re chatting with your co-workers. You don’t have to brave part of the night with contorted delusions and memories you wish weren’t so vivid. These sorts of things went unnoticed by you before. You’d dare even say you’re...excited to be out and about with someone for once. 

  The moments leading up to the meeting are normal too. You even fret over what you wear like you were heading off to your first day of school. This is your firs time out in a while and you’re unsure how to present yourself. Leon has seen you at your worst - scrapped up, skin mottled with dried up blood, clothes torn up in several places. Because of that you’d like to look like you’re not on the brink of death in front of him while in person.

  And so, in the end, here you are, standing next to the place Leon suggested to go to - a restaurant and bar - in an outfit that’s neither too sloppy nor too formal for the occasion. It seems more of a low profile place with a dim light setting and only a couple people inside. Drinking isn’t something that fits your style, and you’ve  been doing your best not to rely on alcohol to numb our your feelings. However, you weren’t going to refuse a little drinking with Leon. 

  The chill of the night keeps you alert until you hear him call your name. 

  He has his brown jacket, the one you’ve seen him throw on during a few missions. The rest of his outfit is as relaxed as yours. Tension you didn’t know you were holding fades out of your muscles. You smile, showing teeth, and give him a shy wave. He returns the gestures. 

  You’re struck again by how normal this feels. 

  “Did you wait all night for me?” He jokes.

  You give a playful eyeroll. “Don’t go thinking that. I got here early cause I thought I wouldn’t be able to find it in time.”

  He gives me a smirk. “Afraid to be late?”

  “Would you think I ditched you if I was a fifteen minutes late?” You ask, moving to the door as he opens it for the both of you. The warmth of the restaurant hits over you like a wave, and you feel happiness mixed into it. 

  “Guess I’d just drink alone.”

  You can’t let him be like that one a night like this.

  You used to think that you could hold your alcohol, but Leon must have had a wild night life during his younger years. After a couple drinks, you’re aware enough to call it quits in the midst of a slight buzz, content with keeping your words comprehensible. You fumble through a few first standard personal questions - hobbies, music (he likes the classics and rock), hometown, etc. - before the flow of the conversation picks up and it’s as if you’re both communicating on a mission again. He’s kind enough not to touch on any subject regarding how you both had met and the situation you both survived together. Even in this conversation, he doesn’t step or even get close to any emotional boundaries, and you do the same for him even if he’s more hardened then you about all of this. 

  When you both grow bored of alcohol and french fries, it’s time to engage in some in some leisure games. Like darts. As it turns out, you’re not skilled at anything involving throwing an almost weapon-like object at a target. You miss practically every single time except for one lucky shot that hit at the very bottom of the target.

  “This time, for real,” you say, shuffling back and lifting up the dart. 

  “You said that last time,” he retorts, chuckling. He’s good at it as expected. 

  You let out an irritated sigh, dropping your arms momentarily before setting your dominant hand up again to throw the dart. A confident feeling blossoms in your heart as you pull back before shooting forward and releasing the dart. It hits the center. On its side. The way it falls to the floor makes you feel pathetic. 

  Leon throws his head back and laughs while you stand there with an embarrassed smile on your face before you burst into a small round of giggles. When you look up at him, you feel inexplicably good. 

  “Move aside. Let me show you,” he says. 

  You shuffle away, knowing he’s going to show you up. He hits the middle of the center without much effort or thought, leaving you to your woes over your inability to land a dart on a bullseye. He looks back at you with a smirk. 

  “When I told you I told the government that I’m not suited for being a physical agent, this is what I meant,” you say. 

  “I can see that,” he answers. “You’re a lot better at being an F. O. S. agent. Can’t imagine you with a gun in your hands if the way you throw darts is anything to go by.” 

  You crack a brief smile before checking your watch. It’s been a couple hours already. 

  “You got a curfew?” Leon asks, putting up the darts underneath the target. 

  “No. I just didn’t realize how much time had actually passed by since we’ve been here, y’know?” You respond.

  “Means you probably had a good time.”

  “I won’t disagree.”

  “We should probably head out, though,” he says, collecting his jacket that he had thrown over one of the chairs to the side. He puts it on, picking up everything else he brought with him. You quickly gather up your belongings, putting on your own jacket, before both of you make your way outside.

  The night air is colder than when you first went in, almost sobering you up completely in that instant. You give a little yawn before you send him a thankful smile. 

  “I’ll catch you at work soon,” you say, preparing to turn and leave.

  “Wait.” His voice stops you. Your head whirls around, a confused expression on your face. “Let me walk you home.”

  You unexpectedly let out a giggle. “Are you going to play at being a gentleman?”

  “I have a few charming points,” Leon says, taking up a positions walking at your side. “But I’m not prince charming.”

  “Is that right?” Your tone comes out playful. Before, if you gave any romance a thought between you two, you might have dismissed it in its entirety, but you can admit to yourself that you enjoy that way you both are when you’re together. It’s an idea you consider warming up to. “Then, I guess, I won’t be the princess.”

  He gives a light scoff. “A princess. Doesn’t fit, to be honest.”

  You open your mouth but something in a darkened alleyway catches your eye before you can come up with a clever remark. Next to the trashcan, somebody has their head pressed into someone else’s neck. It makes you recall the first time you saw a fellow employee chase one of the new people you trained into a wall only to sink their teeth deep into their neck. Every muscle, every ligament, every cell in your body tenses up for a split moment. You expect your reaction to be more dramatic, intense beyond words and any feeling the universe could have engraved in you, but all that happens in half an instance of your body freezing and relaxing. 

  “Hey.”

  You jump slightly, forcing on a quick smile to cover up any stress that crept up into your face. “Sorry?”

  He looks at you without saying anything for a second. You feel like a cup of coffee that had been pushed off, spilled everywhere. He knows you because he knows what it feels like. It’s hard to hide in the way you want to. Sometimes, there are times you don’t want to share anything with anyone, not even with Leon. 

  “You okay?”

  You nod, still forcing your smile and picking up your pace. “Yeah. Let’s get home so we can finally sleep.”

  There’s a grand, unspoken ‘if’ with that statement. Leon doesn’t say anything, choosing to walk slightly ahead of you. You end your night with your eyes wide open.

[ Author’s note: Hey, everyone! This part is much longer than the other one. It’s mostly cause I wanted to talk about more things than before. Last part was more of a set up and I wanted to focus more on how Leon and the reader interact. You were all probably hoping this would end up being a date chapter hehe. Hopefully you all are starting to get a feel for their relationship. I think the best way I can describe the reader is like .... a sunny spot. Like a soft ray of sunshine in the darkness, y’know? At least that’s what I’m trying to go for. I’ll be busy all this week so I hope you can be patient with me while I draft and write the third part. ]

[peerless-soshi]

May I ask for your nice drabble with hualian and 6 + 46?

Rules: Send me two (2) tropes from this list + a ship and I’ll describe how I’d combine them in the same story.

Bookshop AU + Blind Date

The mission looked simply.

Step one: go to the bookstore. Step two: grab the book. Step three: leave the bookstore without causing any additional problems.

Nothing out of ordinary - if you’re an ordinary person, of course, and not Xie Lian. A loser he was, he never had any hopes things could just go as planned.

It could have been worse, Xie Lian thought, gritting his teeth and reaching up. It was good enough that nobody saw him in this embarrassing pose. He stood on his tiptoe, grabbed the shelf, raised his head… Just a little more! His arm started to ache, as if an army of annoying yet bloodthirsty ants was biting it off… And he wasn’t even that short. But here and now, Xie Lian felt like a hamster climbing a bed. Or a bookcase.

It was routine after lectures for him to go to the small bookstore with used books and do homework. Usually, he could count on a nice seller that always took afternoon shifts and wandered through the aisles decked in the smell of books, quietly like a speck of dust, somehow ending up near Xie Lian. But today the boy was nowhere to be found. Maybe Xie Lian shouldn’t be surprised; after all, the book he needed was placed at the very top of the bookcase, and his bad luck made sure there was no ladder nor help to save him.

Xie Lian looked around, then glanced up. It was there; a small paper butterfly eyed him back from the spine of the book, silvering in the light so dimmed by the high shelves. It was just his imagination, a stupid rustle of sheets, but Xie Lian thought he heard a distant wings flutter…

Embarrassing.

Any claims that the paper butterfly was left there for him were nonsense and haughty dreams. He bowed his head. Xie Lian knew he was insisting upon a reason in a coincidence, but last thing he wanted to do — the very last thing — was stopping right before the ending. And so Xie Lian set his foot on the bottom shelf and cautiously checked the weight. Nothing, The bookcase seemed to be stable, hundreds of heavy stories resting on its shelves and holding them under the cover of dust. He added another leg, straightened up. Waited. The sound of crash never came. Well, it was already more than Xie Lian was hoping for. The bookcase falling on him, burying him under a ton of paper like under rubbish and leaving like that until the next morning… Xie Lian pictured it that way. Or similar. But he could easily reach up and touch the book with the silver butterfly. Almost. Just few more centimeters…

The crack came to his ears later than expected. Xie Lian didn’t have time to glean much of an impression from what was going on, he only felt the book slipping away from his fingers and falling, pulling along a cascade of volumes. Allowing himself to act on the spur of the moment, Xie Lian tried to catch them.

Expect that he was the one being caught.

“What?” he exclaimed, meeting the blink of crimson eyes.

It was him. The nice seller, Hua Cheng.

His one hand closed on Xie Lian’s waist, helping him, while the other kept in place the escaping books, like a thread of light passing from a dark corner, too fast to notice. Xie Lian’s breathing swallowed. Strange. He didn’t expect to be that surprised by books… As if remembering about his offence, Xie Lian looked up to see that Hua Cheng stopped the swaying bookcase and pulled something from the cursed top shelf.

“Is this what you were looking for?” he asked with a smile.

“Yes. Thank you a lot,” Xie Lian answered, taking the book and trying to return the smile despite the blush flooding his ears.

“You should call me, I would came,” Hua Cheng said, and then added, a bit like explaining something that stayed only in his mind, “It’s really quiet here. I’d just hear you no matter what.”

Xie Lian simply nodded. His nervousness was palpable; seen in tense gestures, heard in shaking words. “There’s no need, no need! I didn’t want to bother you… though in the end, I did it anyway, right? You’re looking at the master of making unwanted problems.“

“You’re never a problem,” Hua Cheng stated faintly.

“You only said that because you didn’t spend enough time with me,” Xie Lian commented with a rueful smile, his words spilling out.

Has he really just said it?

The bookseller didn’t answer immediately, faltering into a painful silence. Xie Lian risked a quick look at Hua Cheng’s face. Though so skilled in browsing books, he still couldn’t read it. There was a glint of surprise in his eyes, and a shadow of annoyance on his lips. He didn’t speak, but something passed between them.

It was when Hua Cheng broke the silence. “I’ll never refuse my biggest help in your slightest worry. Just ask.”

Upon hearing it Xie Lian noticed, finally, how small was the distance between them. If he stepped forward, he could scuffed his palm on Hua Cheng’s chest and maybe feel the smell of flowers, now shallow under the ever-present old paper scent. So he did what any adult would do in the face of an awkward situation — turned on his heels and fled.

“Thank you for your help and goodbye!”

“Gege, wait!” Hua Cheng called, flashing a glance Xie Lian’s way. But he was cut by the closing door.

True, it was rude to run away so suddenly, but he’s gotten used to offending people despite his intention. What new could detract him? So Xie Lian just run, until his knees felt weak, until his throat trapped his breath, hoping Hua Cheng didn’t chase after him.

Now, what was pushing him out from the bookstore? Shame? Probably. Whatever it was, he had to get away, or his heart would reach a speed threatening to end him in an ambulance. Not that he expected a real heart attack. Dying like that would be too simple.

When the familiar street scenery was gone, Xie Lian also slowed down, his heartbeat deafening. Small clouds of his rapid breathing wrapped around his head, cooling drops of sweat. Yes, a breath in and out… A light frisson of shivers went down Xie Lian’s arms— the days were getting shorter and he couldn’t believe it was already so cold and late: dark sky above him, starlight outlining his shadow on the sidewalk. The chilly autumn air bit through his jacket.

Xie Lian was standing there, shaking a little, when a lightning hit: from a technical standpoint, he had just stolen this book, right? Taking an item from a place where said items were being sold and not paying for it could be called differently, but it boiled down to one: he was a thief.

Something new in his life.

The weird thing was, Xie Lian didn’t feel that bad. Now, when the heart was silent, his thoughts spoke much louder. There was nothing he could do but come back to the bookstore and apologize to Hua Cheng. If he turned back immediately, there was a chance the seller would give it up. Xie Lian didn’t have enough money to buy a hamburger at a promotional price, not to mention a prison bail. Take care of it immediately or die in a cell later. But then the book became heavier in his pocket. Xie Lian stopped and reached for it carefully. Checking now wouldn’t hurt… He stepped aside, leaned against the wall and let a little light of a street lamp hide him.

His curious eyes drifted through the text, lost in the new world. The small paper butterfly was still there, still on the spine, its wings like sails of a ship taking him on another journey. Xie Lian’s pulse stammered. The shush of pages turning showed him the familiar calligraphy, so crooked and messy and written in honey.

To Xie Lian,My heart is so full of you; I can hardly call it my own.- San Lang

Though it was the ugliest, the most cursed writing Xie Lian has ever seen, the quote decorated the whole front page like an example of how something can be beautiful without being beautiful. He found himself flattened against the wall, behind his closed eyelids imagining a hand scribbling those words, then painting them red and flowery… And oh, the hot flush of shame flooded him. It was burning. But like the previous ones, this book was filled with messages: some parts of the text were underlined, other fragments were added, and handwritten though barely legible notes snaked in the margins elsewhere. Pay attention to this… Isn’t it funny?… Actually in 1876… Don’t you think it can be interpreted as…

The mysterious San Lang kept leaving books for Xie Lian. And Xie Lian kept finding them in the next-door bookstore.

He hid the book under his arm. Sticking here wouldn’t help, especially when his homework was piling up somewhere in his room. But when Xie Lian turned the book upside down, something fell down. A petal of white, not so different than a paper butterfly: a rustling pair of glorious wings. The impulse to reach for it was so strong, and Xie Lian caught the piece of paper before it could touch the ground. From there, his own name glanced at him.

To Xie Lian, from San Lang.

An envelope.

He opened it with trembling hands.

I can think of so many things to tell you when you make me forget my words. This can’t be. If you come to the bookstore tonight at 7 pm, I’ll happily let you in. - San Lang

There was such an elegance in these lines, encyclopedias of meanings and feelings between them, that Xie Lian ignored how badly written it was. He only stared at the letter and read it again, under the street lantern. He read it while walking. He read it on the main sidewalk. He read it on a park bench. He stumbled over a can while reading it again.

Meet me. Someone was asking Xie Lian out.

He sort of wanted to go.

He sort of couldn’t get it out of his head that San Lang was a dream, daring and magnificent. And it was fictitious, of course. Xie Lian liked it; talking with him through books and anonymous messages was almost… Was what? Romantic? This sounded way too proud and could seriously mean a thousand things. But something Xie Lian has never considered was accepting that San Lang was just a person of skin and blood, even though he knew it. He did. And he knew that looking into his eyes with so many confessions stored behind the back door in his memory… Xie Lian blushed. It have made him feel awkward.

Running on a blind date with a stranger, late in the evening, when nobody knew where Xie Lian went was the perfect recipe to get somebody killed. Xie Lian was not somebody. He wandered about it a little when he stopped right before the bookstore, but much more he wandered why he called it a date

He had to admit to himself that rejecting the invitation after everything San Lang has done for him was unfair. At the very least Xie Lian could make sure it wasn’t a joke. And the almost-stolen book was a good excuse to come.

The first part of his problem appeared as soon as Xie Lian arrived; Hua Cheng was standing behind the glass door, peering at a crust of early autumn frost rousing in the corners. The street lights were caught on the glass like in a spider’s web, softening his features in golden touches of amber. He looked thoughtful; there was a light in his eyes of wistfulness and absolute wonder. For a moment Xie Lian suffered a slight prick of envy for whoever was behind this enthralled look. Until he realized that Hua Cheng was looking at him.

All of this happened in a flutter of seconds —Xie Lian took a step forward, seized the handle, and Hua Cheng approached, only to lock the door. He turned his head. Xie Lian was so accustomed to the emotions accompanying being ignored that it shouldn’t startle him, but it was Hua Cheng, and it hurt to be a phantom that couldn’t be seen. he fell back a step and the seller’s eyes followed him. Something on his face changed.

What was going on?

“Sorry….” Xie Lian started, hoping that Hua Cheng could hear him behind the door, “I didn’t want to bother…”

“No, I’m sorry,” Hua Cheng rushed to say, “It was me who made you feel bad. I didn’t want things… to turn out like this. Or to end like this. May you forget?”

“Forget?” Xie Lian repeated. He couldn’t stop himself and breathed out a small, incredulous laugh. “I came back to apologize for stealing this book and return it.” He pointed to the book hidden under his arm. “Why are you apologizing to me? I don’t understand.”

Hua Cheng blinked. They stood for a moment, facing each other on two sides of the door, until Xie Lian realized the air around him became warmer. It wasn’t the weather — his breath was still painting on the cold glass like a brush —but something inside his chest sparkled, and ignited. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Hua Cheng. The boy had red on his cheeks.

He tapped the door with his finger. “There’s nothing to worry about, I didn’t even consider it stealing. Take the book, it’s yours.”

But Xie Lian grabbed the handle. The soft guilt in his eyes now hardened. “Why did you apologize?” he asked, “What were you trying to say?”

Everything clicked into place. The books being always what he needed made sense, and he understood why they were waiting for him away from other customer’s sight. Why San Lang was never wrong about what to write, as if he knew him.

“It’s you?” Xie Lian whispered, not asked.

Hua Cheng bounced a little, his hand close to the lock. This time it was his turn to look as if he was about to run away from the bookstore and get on a plane to another country.

This has never crossed his mind — Hua Cheng and San Lang and his quiet bookstore — but the moment Xie Lian put his hand on the glass, the biggest smile lit his face, and the feeling of comfort filled him. Maybe he was crazy. After all, he was planning to go… on a date… with a secret admirer. But that’s the point: his blind date wasn’t blind at all.

“Didn’t you write that you would gladly let me in?”

The click of the lock was as beautiful as a silver butterfly.

[aparticularbandit]

Hey, have you seen the latest JtV episode yet? Wondered what you thought of certain developments.

so.  i apologize ahead of time because this will probably get long.  i plan to start with the non-rose and/or luisa scenes and then give a general idea of what i want to do with that discussion before throwing most of that one beneath the cut.  i especially apologize to those of you on mobile because i know that it doesn’t always do the read more stuff correctly and i’m so sorry.also know that i. really don’t want to write this right now, but i want to get my thoughts out because maybe then i’ll stop ruminating over it (hah!).so, first of all, i’ve seen the scenes relevant to this discussion.  which means i haven’t paid attention to the entire episode but i have seen rose’s scenes and luisa’s scenes (sort of) and then the scene in regards to mateo being diagnosed with adhd.  i very rarely see the shows live, although i saw some of last week’s live, and typically scroll through spoilers to see if anything that interests me (rose or lusia) is in the episode.  if not, i typically just don’t see it because, to be honest, i don’t care.  spoilers give me enough information and while there may be scenes or moments that i’d probably like that i missed, i didn’t want to deal with love triangle fun with michael or most stuff with raf at this point because spoilers tell me the writing is very, very poor.which means that yes i knew about the adhd diagnosis and what i suspect is the real point of the question here - rose let luisa drink?! what?! - before seeing the episode.  and definitely spent a good chunk of time ranting about the latter in the jtv discord spoilers tag before seeing the episode.  and even knowing it was coming, it still depressed me.  but that’s reactions, not thoughts, which. i have a lot.  from different angles.i do want to address mateo being diagnosed with adhd.  i’m not okay with this happening.  while i do think it’s important for characters to be diagnosed with mental illness in media and i do think that it’s important to delve into those diagnoses, i don’t think jtv will do a good job with this because they haven’t done a good job with this previously.  raf’s depression (again, didn’t see that scene, so going off of spoilers here) was mentioned once and then apparently hasn’t been brought up again (with the exception of potentially being implied with how much of a help luisa has been while he dealt with his break-up with jane and let’s be real here luisa knows more about mental illness at this point than most of the other characters except maybe petra and even then).  petra’s postpartum depression was mentioned i think once and then wasn’t brougt up again.  petra’s anxiety? i think it was? was mentioned in season one in relation to her taking pills and this was diagnosed while raf had cancer and…hasn’t been brought up again.  in fact, the biggest proponent we have outside of this with how jtv deals with mental illness is luisa alver, and her mental illness is consistently used as a joke or a way to make her unreliable.now, yes, adhd is a learning disability and you can debate whether or not that constitutes a mental illness or not.  i apologize if my lumping it in under the mental illness umbrella is a problem.  this is not an illness that i myself have (as far as i know), so please understand that i mean no offense.  my concern is that jtv does not deal with these sorts of things well.  it uses them to drum up drama and then sweeps them under the rug as if they’re a passing thing that is suddenly better or not important until, like in luisa’s case, they want to use it as a plot point or a joke again.  and the thing is that they already in the episode used mateo’s adhd to make a visual joke on what it was like to have adhd.  this is not okay.further, their focus isn’t on the character who has the disability.  they’re using the disability to drum up drama for the character’s parents.  again, this is not okay.  it is good to let the characters have that reaction to what the child is going through, but it may - or i’m concerned that it’ll turn into one of those moments where it focuses only on the pain of the parents and how they live with a child with this issue and not on the character who. actually has the issue.  as someone with mental illnesses, this does not sit well with me.and they did this with nine episodes left.  even if they were going to deal with this well, it’s hard to do so within nine episodes, especially considering the other threads they have going.  at this point, i don’t trust the writers and i’m not okay with this happening.  i dislike this development.now with regards to the rose and luisa scenes, in particular the scene they shared together and the developments from this–really there are two ways to take this as far as rose’s character interpretation (rose as a sociopath who truly loves luisa and for whom this development has an aspect that feels really out of character from what we have seen of her OR rose as a sociopath psychopath who did some has been setting up a lot of pins for a payoff that we…can guess would end with luisa finally officially choosing her? this one is a little more shaky) and two ways to take this as far as how this will work out in the show with regards to luisa (is she actually siding with rose or is she using this to fake her out and finally prove herself to raf once and for all).so.  this is a long discussion.  UNDER THE CUT.

so let’s start with the important thing: luisa signing papers while she was apparently black out drunk on rose’s submarine.the first thing i want to comment on in relation to this is that rose giving all of her bank accounts to luisa can have a lot of different implications.  the first one, and the nicest in my opinion, is that consolidating bank accounts is something married people do.  or they open a joint account.  something like that.  so, symbolically, you can have the implication of rose and luisa being married.  woo-hoo!  the second one is, again, the potential risk that rose is taking here.  just like with her kill sheet, rose is basically giving luisa the keys to the kingdom where she is concerned, and for someone who (in my interpretation) has been under elena’s thumb and control for the majority of her life to just give herself over to luisa’s control says a lot about what luisa means to rose.  the third implication will be addressed later.the second thing i want to comment on is, of course, the idea that luisa was black out drunk on rose’s submarine.  now, when i initially was going through the spoiler tag, someone suggested that this might have happened when luisa was drugged on the submarine, which would imply that this happened during the period of time when rose took her to the sub.  (i tend to not think that rose drugged luisa at that time; i actually think that luisa fainted shortly after rose revealed that she was susanna.  but that might just be me.)  however, based on the specific lines of the scene, this cannot be the case.  in fact, it has to have happened after luisa initially left the sub.  we know from s3 that during the time luisa was initially on the sub they were circling the great barrier reef (coral reef?  they were circling a reef), not taking random vacations to other locations like madagascar.  not only that, but rose says it happened while luisa was insecure about their relationship, and they were not in a relationship during the scenes we saw on the submarine.  so this had to have happened sometime after that - maybe before we met eileen or maybe during the three year time-skip sometime at the beginning of all that.  i’d guess before we met eileen, but that’s just me.  further, i did look at screencaps from the scene where they ate breakfast on the sub because the back of my brain keeps trying to tell me that one of the men was carrying champagne, but while there were tea and orange juice cups (they did each have two cups, a white tea cup and saucer and a glass with a tropical leaf pattern - rose’s had orange juice so i assume that’s what it was for), in the caps i saw, there was no champagne bottle.  but they weren’t all comprehensive screencaps so might’ve missed a thing.now, here’s where things are up to interpretation and it all depends on rose’s character.if we take rose as we have seen her throughout the series - not what people have said but what we have seen with regards to luisa - the idea that rose let luisa drink at all on the sub or while they were together feels completely out of character.rose consistently when no one else but luisa would likely know has made sure that luisa is not drinking.  even from their first meeting, when luisa reveals that she’s been sober for thirty-four days, rose accepts that and doesn’t press and continues on as if it doesn’t matter (because it doesn’t).  rose is the one who checks in on luisa after allison cheats on her to make sure that she isn’t drinking; rose is the one who brings up with raf that hey, maybe you should be concerned about your sister disappearing and when raf suggest (without any real concern at all) that luisa is probably on a bender calls luisa and tells her that she’s worried she’s drinking; rose is the one who, when luisa calls her (as susanna), chooses to stay with her and not judge her for taking rose’s death hard and actually accepts that this is hard for her; rose is the one who (as susanna) tells luisa to go back to rehab because she shouldn’t be drinking.  this isn’t even getting into the time where rose just happened to call when luisa was going to try and drink in the hotel after emilio died.  rose has a sixth sense when it comes to luisa.  it is hard for me to see rose letting luisa drink on her sub in any capacity to the point that it is easier for me to think that rose forbade any alcohol on the sub at all.  i could maybe hazard that one of the workers on the sub brought a drink back with them, and since the lettering in the sub appeared to be russian, hey, probably vodka, and we know from s2 that vodka is luisa’s drink of choice, but that’s a stretch for me.even more to the point - and this is a little off-topic in terms of talking about rose’s character - but the times we have seen luisa drawn to drinking were when her life was at rock bottom.  the first time we see this is when 1) she’s losing her job; 2) her brother has cut her off; 3) her wife cheated on her (and they got divorced off-screen??); and 4) she almost got caught sleeping with her stepmother by her father.  the second time we see this is when 1) her father died; 2) her stepmother/lover turned out to be a crime lord; 3) her father died because said stepmother killed him; 4) her brother thought her shares were more important than letting her mourn and only pretended to care about her because he needed to talk business with her and then disappeared after that yolo (and she only didn’t drink because 1) there wasn’t any alcohol in her fridge and 2) rose called her).  the third time we see this is when 1) she accidentally got the love of her life murdered by trying to turn her over to the police by using herself as bait (among her listed reasons of 1) her brother doesn’t want anything to do with her and 2) her mother and father are dead).  the fourth time we see this is when 1) luisa thinks that she is disappointing raf and failing him because 2) rose killed his mom and 3) she still wants to be with rose, albeit this last one is not something the show covers.  please note the common threads here, and also note that this last one would put her in a place to potentially be drinking on rose’s sub if she was picked up by rose instead of going to preventative rehab like she decided to do with rogelio and also assuming that she brought alcohol on the sub with her while rose was preoccupied with something off of the ship.  so, conceivably, luisa could have been in a place to drink on the sub.  maybe.  if that’s the timeline we want to go with.  but if not, luisa probably wouldn’t be at rock bottom and probably wouldn’t feel so desperate to drink.  luisa drinks when she needs to take the edge off.  when she’s with rose, rose takes the edge off.  so really i feel like this is kind of a little out of character for luisa, too.back to topic.the third thing i want to comment on is that rose has never made luisa choose between her and rafael.  she’s never needed luisa to prove that she loved her.  it’s consistently been rose proving her love to luisa because as the crime lord murderer sociopath it makes sense that rose would need to prove that she actually loved luisa (and i think i may have discussed this elsewhere - the entire point of chapter fourteen was proving that rose did love luisa, not just to her but also to the viewers - that rose’s love of luisa was not just part of the rose solano part she had been playing up to that point)  there’s been no doubt that luisa does love rose, but there’s also no doubt that luisa has consistently chosen raf over rose.but this goes back to the submarine scenes in chapter forty-seven.  the biggest conflict in luisa staying with rose is that she still loves raf.  she asks to go up to wi-fi depths to see if raf emailed her, and when there is no email, rose uses this to say look, i’m the one who is here, i’m the one who loves you.  she gives luisa the option to leave (just like she gave her the option to run away with her and respected luisa’s boundary when luisa said no; rose only took luisa with her once luisa fell in love with her again as susanna (who very clearly did not want to be around luisa or in that sort of situation with her. constantly.  luisa pursued susanna, even when susanna visibly did not want to be pursued)).  and when rose realizes that raf might have emailed luisa but they were a day off because time zones, she checks and gives luisa raf’s email.  she gives luisa an option where she can still spend time with raf and rose will just wear a mask and pretend to be someone else.  and when luisa was afraid that rafael’s cancer had returned and decided to leave and gave rose the option to stay behind, despite her certainty that rafael was working with the police, rose went with her.  rose has not, up to this point, forced luisa to choose between them.  rafael has.  so for her to do so here and now might not be completely out of character and for her to ask luisa to prove that she loves her might not be completely out of character either (because relationships require both sides together and rose might be feeling like she’s pulling a lot of weight and not getting very much in return at this point.  i mean.  she is in jail because of how much trust she has given luisa, even knowing - from her time as susanna - that luisa can’t keep her mouth shut - and i want to address this in the latter portion of this exercise) but it still feels out of character because, again, rose has never forced that choice.  rafael has.however.

if we interpret rose differently, based not on what we have seen with luisa but how maybe they want her character interpreted, then luisa drinking on the sub, as well as some other moments we really want to chalk up to rose being a useless lovesick lesbian, make more sense because as a sociopath they might be something rose would allow if she got something out of it.primarily luisa.and for this i kind of want to go in chronological order of what rose would have been doing when, which means we’ll kind of be addressing these a little bit out of order.  ish.first, rose giving luisa her kill sheet.  this is a big indication of trust.  one that does eventually come to bite rose in the ass.  and rose, because she was susanna, knows that luisa cannot keep her mouth shut when it comes to the police, so if they end up in that sort of situation, rose is screwed.  rose knows she is screwed.  rose knows she can get out of jail, so this is potentially not as big of an issue or indicator of trust as we think it is.  but for luisa, it’s an indicator of trust and an indicator that rose will do what she wants.second, rose giving luisa rafael’s letter.  we can assume from this that rose has access to luisa’s email account.  it’s possible that luisa just stayed logged in.  who knows.  for this interpretation, we’re going with the darker version of rose, so let’s assume that rose just reads luisa’s emails to make sure she’s not getting anything that would distract her away from rose.  in this case, yeah, rose gives luisa rafael’s letter because 1) there’s nothing inherently dangerous or coded in what he said, so far as she can see, and 2) it gets luisa to trust her as someone who, seeing this, would want to allow luisa to still have her relationship with raf.third, rose coming up with an idea that allows luisa to have the best of both worlds, basically.  again, an indicator that rose wants to be family and will do what she has to in regards to being with luisa.  1) rose’ll wear a mask, and 2) rose won’t kill anyone anymore.  surprisingly for this interpretation, she does stick to the second one.  but this plays into her plot anyway.fourth, rose getting luisa drunk and signing her accounts over to her.  assume that rose notices that there’s alcohol on the ship where luisa can get it or that luisa brings alcohol on the ship and rose pretends not to see it so that luisa can get drunk.  signing her bank accounts over to luisa does two things: 1) it reinforces that she trusts luisa and gets luisa to trust her and 2) it ensures that if rose gets caught luisa is part of her getting out.  no matter whether luisa wants to be part of the plot or not, she is an accomplice based on her name being on the accounts.  this makes luisa look shady to rafael and drives a better wedge between them.fifth, rose getting caught.  now, again, there’s a risk, but rose thinks she can get out of jail.  either rafael finally catching her despite luisa’s insistence that he is good will cause a final break between them or her continuing indication of doing what luisa wants and proving to her that she loves her will get luisa on her side.  even with michael - that might be about them, but it’s more about i played ball for you.  i have done everything you asked.  i have shown you nothing but love and support.  i have never asked you to choose.  now choose me.it’s a multi-year timeline set-up to make luisa trust her and her love while also simultaneously driving a wedge between luisa and raf.  and right now, it looks like it’s working.now - the problem i have with this is that it seems much more indicative of a cold-blooded psychopath than the hot-tempered sociopath that the show consistently tells us rose is, so it’s….  for me, it checks out, and it’s not too much of a stretch and i think it may be what the show wants us to pick up on but is not doing a very good job of showing.  (this would have been strengthened if one of the guys on the sub had been carrying a champagne bottle, which is why i wanted to check that - and it’s possible that’s still the case because the screencaps i checked weren’t that specific.)  but, again, it’s up to character interpretation and i do think that this is the direction that the show wants us to go in.even in this direction, we can say that rose’s continued care in regards to luisa not drinking 1) reinforces to luisa that rose cares about her (and this is compounded with rose’s sixth sense and calling just when luisa needs her - once on the bridge right before luisa jumped and once when luisa wanted to drink after emilio’s funeral) and 2) is a bit of a self-preservation habit because luisa likely talks a lot when she’s drunk and, ah, given the sensitive nature of their relationship, luisa needs to not talk about them.  in susanna’s case, the second isn’t a thing but it makes her look like a good girlfriend to anyone watching and so more solidifies susanna as a good person and not the mole.do i like this interpretation?  no.  do i think it’s what the show wants us to go for at this point?  yes.now, as far as ways this could go - there are two:1) luisa is actually working with rose.  this is the good end in the first scenario, but the bad end in the second one.  since i think the show wants us to go with the second interpretation, i think it’s more likely that2) luisa is working against rose.  this is the bad end in the first scenario, but the good end in the second one and the one that, again, i think is more likely given what we know of the show at this point.  and by what we know, i mean the instagram photos of the last day of shooting wherein yara - luisa - was at what appears to be a jafael wedding but bridget - rose - is nowhere to be seen.  and, yes, we could make assumptions that rose could be there under another mask, but i don’t think that’s the way the show is going to go.especially since jennie has already told us that a death is coming near the end of the season.  i expect luisa is working against rose, and i expect that rose will die.  that might not be what’s going on, but i think it’s the most likely scenario given what we have.

[topweeklyupdate]

TØP Weekly Update #53: Out (7/6/2018)

This is it, boys and girls. The “hiatus”, as we’ve called it for the last 364 days, is finally, finally, finally over... probably. Let’s cover the week that was, and look forward to the new era that could be.

This Week’s TØPics: 

“New” Music Discovery

The Last Message From Dema

The Return of WILD SPECULATION

Major News and Announcements:

On any other week, new music from Tyler Joseph would be the biggest news story. And... well, I mean, I guess it should be, so we’ll cover it first, but it really doesn’t feel like it. That’s really weird, isn’t it?

@ultrawafflehouse shared a unique piece of content with the world in the middle of the week. After a friend of a friend received an old Tyler Joseph mixtape from a local youth pastor trying to prove his street cred to the middle schoolers of suburban Ohio, Ultra discovered that two of the unnamed tracks were pieces of music that had never previously found their way onto the Internet. 

One of the unnamed tracks is a slick instrumental with elements of some of Tyler’s other early works like “Two” and “I Need Something To Kill Me” on full display: i.e., an extremely promising but unfinished arrangement from an extremely talented novice with no training or experience and a dozen better ideas than this that he decided to actually flesh out. Little wonder it, like presumably most of Tyler’s work, never made it to the general public.

The other track, however, actually sounds like a full song. Dubbed “Going Down” due to the phrase’s repetition in the hook, the track fits in perfect with the general No Phun Intended/Self-Titled sound; passionately-sung heart-on-sleeve lyrics supported by a simple piano arrangement with some basic hip-hop elements thrown in. I’ll be real: I was not blown away by this song. The writing in general, particularly on the hook, is low-energy, all over the place, and stretches the metaphors real thin. Tyler’s vocal delivery is at peak teenage whine, and his bars in the sole rap verse seem amateurish and out of breath. 

But I wasn’t expecting to love it- most of Tyler’s stuff pre-Self-Titled, and even some tracks on the first two albums, are clearly made by someone who has no real clue how to do the whole music thing. “Drown” and “Blasphemy” are the only truly great songs from No Phun Intended, and they were both repurposed later down the road when Tyler had a better idea what he was actually doing. I still think Tyler is a genius, but he was not born the songwriter and performer he had become by the time Fueled By Ramen signed him. I still appreciate tracks like these, but more as historical curiosities, stepping stones to what Twenty One Pilots would become with brief flashes of Tyler’s insightful introspection and genuine brilliance.

The biggest news of the week, as with last week’s update, was not new music, but updates from the world of Dema. To start, we got three updates from dmaorg.info on Sunday. The first was a gif of a creepy vulture slowly turning to camera. Not too much to derive from this one. There’s the iconography of vultures, aka the carrion feeders who consume the bodies of the dead left at real-world Towers of Silence. The vulture can be seen to “blink” with its thin transparent eyelid, aligning it with the fifth Closing Eye Lyric: “Nobody dreams when they blink.” This correlation is strengthened by the name of the gif itself: “i”.

The second post, another letter from Clancy, was much more intriguing. The letter contains some great prose, with Clancy describing how the bishops have robbed the denizens of Dema of their dreams using something referred to as “smearing” and pledging to not let them crush his hope. The references to nighttime and light connect it to the sixth Closing Eye Lyric, “remember the morning is when night is dead”. The image title of this update is “e_sr_eve_r.jpg” (”reverse” in reverse), and that’s reflected both the content of the letter and its organization- you can swap the order of the sentences, and it still makes perfect sense. But why this command to reverse? To what end? Hmm....

The answer to that comes in the third update, a simple smattering of yellow marks slipped out of chronological order in the middle of the list the list under the date of the band’s Grammy win. When laid over the Clancy letter, the markings for individual letters again spell out the word “trench”, which connects it to the audio clip from the previous Dema update, while the solid vertical lines highlight the phrase “We are banditos.” When you connect all these dots and reverse that audio, as several people had already discovered previously, it becomes pretty clear that Tyler is singing “We are banditos.” What does that mean? Well, hold your horses, kid, because the circled letters in the message spell out “end”. That looked like it might be it...

Until the gif that originally revealed the Dema site made its way back onto the main website. Many interpreted this to be the fulfillment of the last Closing Eye Lyric, “Now I just sit in silence,” due to the gif ending with the finale of the “Car Radio” music video, and a sign to the Clique to pay attention to the site if they weren’t already.

dmaorg.info finished its mission on Thursday with another rush of content. First, a photo of a vast desert with a single small figure possibly visible on the horizon. The image was simply titled “o_ut.jpg”. Not much else to say; once again, the big reveal was delivered to us by Clancy.

This letter is honestly the best fiction writing and world-building I’ve seen from Tyler yet, good enough to make me wonder if he’s been considering writing a Hunger Games-style YA series if this whole music career thing doesn’t pan out. Clancy lays out his plan to break out of Dema: since it will be impossible to sneak past the huge walls unnoticed, he plans to make a big commotion during the enclave’s biggest holiday, the Annual Assemblage of the Glorified, to distract the “watchers” and permit those from the “other side” to find a way in, then avoid being “smeared” by the bishops until the others can show him the way out. There are tons of great details and turns of phrase (”concrete coffin of a city”) and really cool moments (”They don’t control us” should sound way more cringey than it reads here.) They even snuck in a final hidden message message: following the dotted lines up the same number of rows as there are squares reveals one last “Wake up.”

The biggest takeaway from this letter, though, is how direct it is. It makes reference to it being “a year since the last convocation” and directly says that “by morning, everything will be different.” And, if you still didn’t get the message- *poof*. Within minutes of the Clique posting and dissecting these new posts, dmaorg.info was gone. They pulled the plug. The only evidence of the last few months of theorizing, speculating, and decoding will be on Reddit threads lost to the dust of time, as our thoughts become occupied with a whole different type of Twenty One Pilots content...

WILD SPECULATION:

As of the moment I’m writing this (7/6/18, 1 am PST), the band has not released any new music. I am not bopping to “Jumpsuit” right now. But something is totally happening within the next 12-24 hours. The only question is... what?

Well, I have zero information beyond the registration of the song titles “Nico and the Niners” and “Jumpsuit” and the implication that the songs will relate to this unfolding tale of Clancy and the Bishops of Dema. But I do have some theories/wishes.

First, I don’t think we’ll be getting a whole new album all at once. Twenty One Pilots ain’t Beyonce. They don’t have the clout (yet) for FBR to let them get away with dropping a full project with zero mainstream promo (also, there’s no other registered song titles, so nothing for at least a few weeks). I think that, in following the standard pop music tradition of the last few years, we’ll get two singles dropped on the first day (the aforementioned registered names), with a music video for one to tide us over, then a trickle of songs for two or three months before an album in time for the holidays. I suspect “Jumpsuit” to be the main radio-play single (I’m already picturing a prison break from Dema for the video), while “Nico” serves as the song for the fans that lays out more about this concept.

The thing that excites me most about the whole Dema idea is that, unlike the rather straightforward metaphor of Blurryface, the ARG content we’ve received so far has laid out an entire world populated with multiple named characters and concepts that we aren’t clear on just yet. Because of that, I think we might get quite a few songs (like, hopefully, “Nico”) that focus more on storytelling (and, also hopefully, killer soundscapes) than just affirming the importance of staying alive. I really hope “Nico” is, like, a nine-minute long rock/EDM opera that lays out all the different bishops’ plans and motivations while mashing genres in the classic TØP style. I really want to see Tyler and Josh push themselves artistically, and I think that what we’ve seen so far is really indicating that is the case.

A few more questions (and some speculation): 

What other songs are coming? “Trench”? “Heavy”? “Banditos”? “Wake Up”? “Coconut Sharks: Requiem”? (No clue, can’t wait to find out.)

What will the promo look like? Will the band bother to participate in local radio interviews anymore? (Depends on how early sales go, I think.) Will they do any long-form/in-depth sit downs? (Rooting for Zane Lowe, but also hoping a mag like Rolling Stone that’s willing to put artists in the hot seat puts Tyler on his toes and asks some of the difficult questions.)

What can we expect of tour? (I’m calling amphitheater followed by arena shows, just like with Blurryface and a lot of the bigger FBR acts. Praying for more live musicians and maybe some theatrical stuff with Dema.)

What will the album be called? Dema? Silence? Tower of Silence? Iris [remember that, holy crap]? Blurryface 2: Electric Boogaloo? Hard to say (Probably the first one, let’s be real).

Will it be successful? (Almost definitely not as much as Blurryface. We’ll have to see how hard they focus on the Dema concept or an alternative sound, since radio hates weird.) Will it be good? (Yes. I was unsure for a long time, but I’ve got a really good feeling now. A really, really good feeling.)

Community Spotlight:

This is technically cheating, but I am part of the community, so I’m gonna write about myself today. Forgive me.

Last year, on my 21st birthday, Twenty One Pilots posted a shut eye and some mirrored lyrics on their social media and then, for all intents and purposes, disappeared. I spent my whole twenty-first year of life without ‘em (the irony is not lost on me), which was weird considering how much they had inspired and impacted me throughout high school and college.

I did a lot of stuff when I was 21. I graduated college. I got a new job. I made friends. I lost friends. I got in fights. I learned to let go, but not soon enough to spare someone I cared about from unnecessary heartbreak. I turned corners in my mental health, only to run into new walls. I listened to a ton of music. I grew up.

Today, I turned 22. The irony of the absence of Twenty One Pilots aside, I’m so glad I had the chance to figure out who I was without this band by my side every step of the way. I learned that I could make it. And now I get to have them back while I continue to make it. How sick a birthday gift is that?

Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

[golden-pickaxe]

Odal - Part 12

Fandom: Vikings

Paring: Ivar x Reader

Type: Viking Times

Word Count: 3669

Warnings: none, a bit of violence maybe? not much though

[All Parts Here]

A/N: This was kind of hard to write, and I thought about splitting it up. But then I did not want to post two short chapters instead of one, so yea. Also, thank you all so much for all your positive feedback and all the likes, you have no idea how much that motivates me and makes my day better!))

[Playlist]  - Especially this one, in this particular version: Einar Selvik - Völuspá

Summary: When you were just a child, you had been adopted by two shieldmaidens, as one of six sisters. Now, all grown up, the lot of you join king Harald to avenge the death of Ragnar in England. A journey, that is going to change the life you’ve known before.

Tags: @lightningwitcher @lovelynerdytraveler @everlasting9 @cbouvier23 @hallowed-heathen @twilight-loveer

 You did not sleep very well that night, tossing and turning on your furs until the early hours of the morning. You already faintly heard the birds, when you were finally drifting off, your dreams hunted by shadows and smoke you could not look through. Your sisters did not wake you up, and so when you finally awoke the sun was already high in the sky, the noise of the camp muffled by the tent you were in.

 You got up with a groan, before angrily starting to comb and braid your hair, before you put on fresh clothes and washed your face in a small basin of cold water. You were not quite sure why your mood was so darkened. You knew you should be glad, that the change that Ivar would bring was not all bad for you, and that he was really part of your fate in some way, but it was still all too vague to make you happy.

 You knew about the circles of life, and of destruction, of rebirth and renewal. Just as the year changed, the world did, and so would your life. But even if there would be something bright and beautiful at the end, you grew scared of the in between.

 You entered the courtyard of the villa deep in thought, ignoring the world around you. The smell of the midday meal, that was probably currently in preparation, reached your nose, but you pushed your hunger down, walking on. Suddenly though, a small piece of wood hit the side of your head.

You flinched back, blinking confused at the object now lying at your feel, until you looked up to see who had thrown it at you.

Your eyes met Ivar’s, who was sitting on the back of his chariot.

 “I called you!” he said, an equally grim expression on his handsome face. “You did not react.”

 “Still no need to throw stuff at me, prince.” You huffed, picking up the piece of wood quickly and throwing it back at the man. Ivar raised his hand in defence, deflecting the small object with his leather bracers.

He seemed to be far more surprised than angry by your action, biting his lip as if he tried to supress a grin.

 “Who’s the one who managed to ruin your day already, Y/N?” he asked, tilting his head, his lower arms as so often resting on his legs as he leaned forward.

 “My norns.” You spat out. “They are shit.” You raised your arms, resting both of your hands in your neck.

 Ivar raised both of his eyebrows at your words, shifting a bit to the side and patting the wagon floor next to where he was sitting, and invitation to join him. You let out a deep sigh, for a moment not sure if you should really sit down next to the root of your problems, before you shook your head, walking over to him and dropping down beside him with a huff.

You were painfully aware how close the two of you were, your legs almost touching, though it felt as if Ivar did his best to avoid this.

 “So what did your norns do, exactly, to make you so angry with them?” Boneless looked at you, and you could not tell if his expression was mocking or not. You mustered his blue eyes, before inhaling sharply, turning your gaze from him and towards the courtyard.

 “They decided to give me signs, that I don’t know how to interpret. It drives me insane.” You admitted, your hands absently pulling a loose thread at the bottom of your tunic.

 Ivar chuckled.

“Don’t put too much meaning to those signs.” He said, causing you to look at him again, slightly surprised. His expression was still not really mocking, even if it was a bit amused.

 “What?” you asked, frowning, but the man next to you just shrugged.

 “My mother had incredible foresight. Some called her a volva. She knew many things before they happened, and had dreams of fate and prophecy.” He explained. “Before I left with father to go to England, she dreamt that I would drown in a storm. There was indeed a storm, but I did not die.”

 You chewed your lower lip, listening to his words. That his mother had been gifted with seidr was a rumour you had heard in Kattegat. However, it did not really do much to reassure you, hearing that she was wrong.

As the man had said, there still had been a storm, and his father ended up dying in the snake pit.

 You were pulled out of your grim thoughts, as suddenly you left Ivar’s warm hand on yours. You looked down at his fingers, slowly stroking over yours, before your eyes wandered back to his face. His expression was soft, careful.

 “Sometimes fate tricks us. We never learn the true meaning of the signs until what is foretold comes to happen.” Ivar smiled gently, apparently trying for it to look reassuringly.

 “I..” you started, but stopped, when you noticed Ubbe walking over the courtyard, approaching Ivar’s chariot. The hand of the dark-haired prince left yours, and his usual angry demeaner returned to his handsome face as his looked up to his older brother.

 “What is it?” he hissed, his eyes burning.

 Ubbe looked from him to you and back, a knowing expression in his face, before he spoke.

“Bjorn has accepted the king’s offer. He’s about to sign the land over to us.” He said, looking a bit weary.

 “And?” Ivar had noticed his hesitation too, tilting his head at the other one. Once again, he looked so much like the serpent from your dreams, it stung your heart.

 “King Ecbert’s terms were that he can decide the manner of his own death. He wants to kill himself.”

 There was a moment of silence. Your eyes slowly turned to Ivar, whose face reflected the storm that was now raging inside of him. His nostrils flared, his fingers twitched, and you were sure, if he had the king, or possibly Bjorn in front of him now, he would crush either one with his bare hands. He looked angry, murderous and betrayed.

 “We should go, Ivar.” Ubbe said, his voice firm and calm. You guessed that he was used to this, used to be the voice of reason in his younger brother’s ears. He then shot you a glance, as if he thought about telling you to leave, to get away from Ivar.

 Ivar pursed his lips, but finally nodded, ignoring the offer of his brother to carry him into the villa, and instead slid off the chariot, starting to drag himself over the ground, not looking back at you. You did not move, just watched him, until the two brothers had disappeared through the gates of the villa.

 With a sigh you looked at your hands, before you pulled out your dagger. You hesitated for a moment, but then used it to carve the word Urð into the wooden side of Ivar’s wagon. Fate.

 After the land, which was somewhere even further south than you were now, had been signed over to the princes, and after the death of Ecbert, there was a great feast prepared. The sons of Ragnar took seat on the tribune in the centre of the courtyard, while you and all your sisters sat together with Hrafnkell’s men a few tables behind the king.

 This was it, the final feast, before it was decided what you were to do now. Summer had come to an end, and you soon had to leave, if you wanted to get home before the first frost set in.

 “Now I have to return home to my wife.” Hrafnkell’s mood seemed even worse than yours, as he chewed on his food, staring into the distance with unfocused eyes. His face reflected how much he dreaded to see the woman again. “I wonder how often she will hit me this time.”

 “Does she always hit you when you are away?” Asta asked, her voice laced with concern.

 “The longer I’m away, the more ways she dreams up in which I wronged her. The only wrong thing I ever did was marrying her in the first place, if you ask me.” He shook his head.

 “Why don’t you divorce her, if she treats you so badly?” you asked, wiping your mouth and taking a sip of your ale.

 “She has threatened to hurt our daughters, if I do. And I don’t want Solveig and Embla to suffer for me. They are my light.” Hrafnkell brushed his hair out of his face, to scratch his forehead, revealing the large scar covering his skin.

 You felt pity for the man, whom you considered a friend, and hearing him speak like that truly saddened you. He had been very young when he had married his wife, stupidly in love with her pretty face, and too happy to think clearly when she had told him she was with child.

After their second daughter had been born, it had all changed.

At first, you had thought that he was just one of these men who always talked badly of their wives with no truth behind their words, but after you had met Gunhild, you had understood that this was not the case.

 “Then we should take them to our farm.” You suggested, a bit without thinking.

 “You don’t know what you are saying.” Asta threw in and frowned at you, but Hrafenkell just stared at you with the first spark of hope in his blue eyes that you had seen all evening. Despite his scar and sadness, he looked still so young, and though your sister always called him ‘old man’ you knew that he was maybe one or two years older than her.

 “Would you do that for me? Take them in, and hide them from their mother?” he asked, looking from one of the six of you to the other.

 Hallgrim was the first to nod and speak up.

“Only few know where our farm is, and Embla has often asked about the animals when I saw her. We can take them in the night, and keep them save.”

 “But would they want that? Our mothers wound never agree to take any girl in, if it was against her will.” Asta reasoned, her eyes studying the man in front of you.

 “I think they would. Both of my girls love all of you, you know that. And they suffer almost as much as I do.” Hrafnkell looked down at his plate again, and you could see how much, in this moment, he seemed to regret not being home to care for his daughters. You also heard the words he did not speak, that he suspected his wife to hit them too.

 Gudrun opened her mouth to say something, probably wanting to agree with Hallgrim, or offer her support, but her words were interrupted by the sound of a horn being blown. The conversations around you started to die down, and everyone’s attention turned to the table of the five princes, where Bjorn, sitting in the centre of them, stood up from his seat.

 You shifted a bit, and sat up straighter on the bench you shared with your sisters, to see him better, as the oldest of the sons of Ragnar started a speech about your victory, about how you had taken revenge and defeated the two English kinds, and how you had acquired land to settle and farm.

 He was truly an impressive figure, tall, strong and intimidating. You knew that you would never want to face this man in battle, and almost felt pity with the Christians he had slain. Almost.

 Finally, he added, how he would go back to the Mediterranean sea.

The more he spoke, the angrier Ivar seemed to become. As soon as Bjorn had finished to talk, the youngest Ragnarsson started his own speech.

“I will be here.” He started, turning his whole body towards the feasting warriors. “But not to settle down a plough.”

 You leaned forward a bit, resting your elbows on the table in front of you, watching him intently. His words were like honey on your soul, completely catching your attention. His brothers looked annoyed and angry, but Ivar turned even more, mustering the crowd before him.

 “Who want to be a farmer now? Hm? We have a great army, and we should use it!” his hand hit the table, his proposition like music in your ears. You felt Hallgrim stiffen next to you and shifting in her seat, a quick glance at her face showing you that in contrary to you, she really did not like what Ivar was saying.

 “There are many other places that I want to attack and raid!” he continued with a smile. “And those of you who feel like I do, you should come with me. And those of you who don’t, ask yourself.. who can stand in our way now?” he yelled the last words, most of your fellow warriors breaking out in cheer.

 You could truly not bring yourself to supress the broad smile that was forming on your face, when you turned to your sisters.

“I told you it is not over yet!” you said to Hrafna, squeezing her hand for a moment across the table, who just nodded with an amused expression in her face. There was something else too, but you were too excited to care.

 “I will go home. I don’t want to raid, nor settle here.” Hallgrim shook her head, running one of her hands through her short hair. It had grown a bit since you had arrived in England, and was covering her forehead.

 “Why not settle here? The land is fertile and far more forgiving than back home. Frey had blessed this soil, I thought you would be the first to want to claim it.” Yeva tilted her head, but you could not tell if she was serious of making fun of the older one.

 “Make a home here, just to be slaughtered by Christians? No, thank you. I prefer people being honest about their intentions, not preaching peace and stab you in the back.” She huffed. “Also, someone has to care for the farm, you can’t just leave out mothers alone, now that they are getting old.” The woman drained her cup, wiping her mouth. “I’m sure others will go back too, and I am going to join them. You can stay, I do not care.”

 You clenched your jaw slightly, not liking what you were hearing. Of course, your sister was a free woman, and free to do as she wanted, but the thought that your band of shieldmaidens would break apart did not sit well with you.

 “And what about you, Yeva? Gudrun? Asta? Do you also want to go home?” you asked, looking from one to the other. You did not bother to ask Hrafna, as you already knew what her answer would be. She would go with Halfdan, and you bet that the battle-hungry man would not just return to Vestfold.

 “I will not part with you. Where Hrafna is, I will be too.” Gudrun smiled faintly.

 “I think I will stay too. If you will, that is, old man.” She turned her face to Hrafnkell, who simply chuckled.

 “Well, if Hallgrim promises to take care of my daughters, I will stay.” He said, his eyes wandering to said sister. The woman nodded.

 “Of course, I will. They will be treated like family, just as you are.” She said with a smile on her face.

 Yeva groaned, drinking from her cup.

“Well then, I am not a farmer. So I will stay too, if all of you are staying.” She rolled her eyes, but you had to laugh.

 With a grin on your face, you started to speak, wanting to tell your sisters how happy it was that at least your five stayed together, but Ivar at the front raised his voice again, causing you to turn his head towards him once more.

 “Who among you will follow me?” he asked, slowly raising from the table, his hands supporting him to not fall over. “Who will follow me into battle, for the love of fame, and for the love of Odin, the Allfather?”

 A lot of the warriors, far more than you would have expected, considering how feared Ivar was among them, shouted in confirmation, you among them, as you clutched the Gungnir pendant around your neck.

Ivar grinned broadly, sitting back, a very smug expression on his handsome face, as his brother Sigurd started to talk to him.

 You turned your face back to your sisters, briefly meeting Gudrun’s brown eyes, who mustered you with a knowing smile. You just rolled her eyes at her, kicking her leg under the table, and hiding behind your cup.

 The tables located closer to the princes started to laugh, catching your attention once more. Sadly, you were too far away to hear their conversation.

 “Well, maybe that’s because you’re not.. really a man.” Now that, you heard. And that also wiped the smile right off your face. Your mouth opened in disbelieve, and you sat up once more, looking over to the tribune the princes were sitting on. “Are you, Boneless?”

 Ivar’s face was drained from expression and colour, and he averted his blue eyes, not saying anything. It was as if Sigurd’s words had hit a nerve, and you had to swallow as you had never seen him like this, had never seen him so hurt that he could not even throw an insult back.

 Your eyes were fixed at the youngest son of Ragnar, but were finally pulled away from him, when your king stood up, raising his cup.

 “I would like to stay, but I have other plans. Skal.” He said nodding to the princes. You knew what his other plans might be. Probably still following his dream to become king of all Norway.

 But Harald would go back home, and so Hallgrim could travel with your king back to Vestfold. At least you knew her journey was safe, as much as it hurt you seeing her depart.

 Halfdan next to Harald stood up too now, leaning forward and bracing himself against the table in front of him with both of his arms.

“As for me.. I want to go with Bjorn. I want to see the Mediterranean.”

 Bjorn jumped over the table to go to Halfdan, and to address the crowd once more. You, however, did not really pay any attention to him your eyes wandering over to your sister, who sheepishly looked down at her cup.

 “Did you know of this?” Asta was quicker to ask than you, frowning.

 Hrafna sighed, but finally nodded.

“Yes, I did. We talked about it already. I will go with him.” She said.

 “Then I will also go.” Gudrun’s eyes were pleading, but the red head just turned to her with a sad smile on her face.

 “You have to stay with the others. I can’t promise to keep you safe there, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

 Gudrun just shook her head, tears forming in her warm eyes.

“Hrafna..”

 It pained you to see her like this, almost as much as it pained you to hear that the other one was leaving. The two of them were so close, never fought, and always had each other’s backs. You also were sure that Gudrun was the only one knowing what truly had happened to Hrafna, and she had never told anyone.

 The princes started to fight and shout at each other, but frankly, in this moment you did not care for it. Hrafna was sailing away, not even bothering to tell you beforehand, leaving Gudrun behind, and Hallgrim was going back to the farm on her own. It just did not feel right.

As long as you could remember, as long as the lot of you could wield a sword, you had always gone to battle together, and fought at each other’s sides.

 “Why have you not told us before?” Asta asked, her face and voice full of hurt.

 “We.. we were not sure when we would depart. Halfdan has also not told his brother, we thought we would return to Norway before Bjorn would sail away again.” The red head chewed her lower lip, looking down once again. “I am sorry.”

 You knew, for her it was always hard to deal with emotions, and she had always been horrible at comforting people. Now, with her heart belonging to a man she wanted to explore the world with, with Gudrun crying next to her, and the rest of you not hiding your disappointment, you saw her struggling.

 “Ivar! Ivar!” Ubbe’s panicked scream made everyone of you look up at the table of the princes once more, your eyes going wide in shock as you saw Ivar’s outstretched hand, and his axe sticking out of Sigurd’s chest.

 You could only watch, frozen in shock such as the rest of the brothers, as Sigurd pulled the weapon out of his body, stumbling towards Ivar who looked just as unbelieving of the whole situation as you were. There was fear in his blue eyes, as his older brother raised the axe against him. But before he could smite Boneless down, avenge himself, he collapsed to the ground, where he lied unmoving.

 “Brother will fight brother and be his slayer, sister’s sons will violate the kinship-bond. Hard it is in the world, whoredom abounds, axe-age, sword-age, shields are cleft asunder. Wind-age, wolf-age, before the world plunges headlong. No man will spare another.” Gudrun’s voice was weak, not much above a whisper, but you still heard her words clear as day.

 “I see further ahead,” you added numbly, eyes meeting Ivar’s over the courtyard. “To the mighty doom of gods, of the victory-gods.”

**[ Völuspá, Stanza 44, 46 - Translation by Carolyne Larrington ]