#like maybe im uncomfortable witj myself like i dont feel like a fem enough woman or masc enough man

[genderfluid-existence]

I've been going by bisexual for 7 years now, it's always been a fundamental element of my identity. It gave me peace to know that, although I'm questioning my gender, at least I'm set in my sexuality. Well, friends, that is no more:

I don't know if I'm into men.

So I definitely without any doubt have experienced a lot of attraction to men. But I'm starting to realize that it might not have been sexual/romantic.

I don't totally know what my attraction to men has been. An aesthetic fascination in some cases I'm sure. And perhaps an intense dysphoria-induced desire to become the man in question. Maybe it was even platonic obsession sometimes. And I'm sure that I sometimes mistook discomfort for attraction. A woman has never really made me feel "butterflies" like a man has, and those "butterflies" may have just been discomfort and anxiety.

Because, yknow. Your standard cishet Western man is not exactly...a commendable bloke.

Finding out about compulsory heterosexuality has really done a number on me. Because I seem to exhibit some symptoms:

I purposefully picked multiple boys to "have crushes on" as a young kid.

Almost all male crushes I've had are fictional, celebrities, way older than me, or otherwise completely unattainable.

When the idea of actual reciprocation of feelings comes into play, feelings dissappear on my end often. I just can't picture myself being to companion to a man in that way.

Also, I got Tindr, lol. Obviously I skipped left on every cishet man, I don't need that in my life. But when I found the rare queer man, I found myself not totally enamored with the idea that he would be into me, and that we would have a relationship.

Only problem is that this makes things

Complicated.

For one thing, what the fuck is gender? No seriously, I have no idea how to only like one gender. Where do I draw the line? Okay, I know I don't control where that line is, but gender is a spectrum. What would make me attracted to some nb folks and not others? And what about a closeted trans person? A person can look like a woman and not be a woman. And if I'm attracted to that person is my attraction inherently transphobic?

Also, yes, there are plenty of terms for nonbinary folks who only like women, but few are well known like bisexual. Bisexual had the incredible convenience of being gender neutral. But now, I don't have any comfortable label as an nb, especially as I'm not even totally sure what gender I am.

Also: if I'm not into men that way, then what the hell was all that attraction? What about the porn I've watched involving men? I mean, I've had fantasies about men, albeit unattainable ones. So what gives?

My conclusion for a while was that I was indeed bisexual but that I just have no interest in actually dating men. And maybe that's true. But as it stands:

Whaddup, im Jared, I'm 19, and I don't fucking know what my gender, sexuality, or romantic orientation is. 😎