#like literally i never talk about this especially here but shits tough!!!!!!!! im sick

[taeyungie]

.

[yeluki]

Hi!! I really apologize for not talking in a while 😞

But!! I saw you'd really like some Yttd requests! May I request Sara, Ranmaru, Ranger, and Midori with an s/o who is affectionate, but especially physically so? Like lacing fingers, tracing circles on the back of their hands, hugging them close with no real reason, etc! It sounds so cute 😞

Tysm 💓💕💖💗!! I may come back to request more ;))

SARA, RANMARU, RANGER, AND MIDORI WITH A PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE (S/O)

a/n: aw,, hello!!! it's wonderful to see you again,, it's ok!! dw about it >:D!! and yes of course you can!! gahhh,, ranger is so underrated it pisses me off,,, sadly there's like no ranger content,, but now i can fix the issue myself haha dw ranger stans im here for y'all >:'D characters included: sara chidouin, ranmaru kageyama, rio ranger, and midori warnings: physical affection, ranger midori and ranmaru (they're all insane),, swearing

work utc!

#sara!?

sara is generally pretty reserved, so at first she'll be a bit stiff, and might not respond well to your love. not in a lashing-out way, but she sorta just stands there all stiff and uptight while you smother her in physical love.

overtime,, however,, she starts to get used to the love and affection and is sort of willing to give it back, although she doesn't know quite how lol

she tries though, and that's all that matters.

but sara absolutely adores the affection you give her. like i said, she'll stand stiff for a while, but on the inside she's squealing and relishing in every touch you graciously give her.

she especially loves reassuring handholds. she loves them whenever, but they work best after the main games. when her hallucinations creep up on her, you always seem to swoop down from the heavens and rub her hand,, reassuring her that you're there and unharmed.

sara just loves hand-holding in general,, but you didn't hear that from me

#ranmaru!?

WSJFSAJDOIEJFDP

ranmaru LOVES your physical affection. and i mean LO-

he'll tend to get really flustered at times, especially when you give him kisses in public,, and it's adorable. his pale cheeks will heat up and he'll get all bashful and cute and i <333

but when you're hugging him or holding his hand (basically just not kissing him),,, once he gets accustomed to it he'll just kinda stand there and not mind while you drown him in your LOVE

and btw,, he doesn't stand there to be a dick. he stands there because he doesn't wanna interrupt you,, and i mean,, you wanna dote on him anyways...,,.,,.

right?

wait

RIGHT!?

*ahem*

#ranger!?

same lol.

ranger is literally the same, and he loves it whenever you dote on his moody ass <33 im joking i promise

but for real, he actually does love it. jokes aside, ranger's kinda sick of being used as a tool. he craves love and affection,, and is delighted that you're willing to give it to him.

he's obviously never been in a relationship before, and you giving him so many hugs and kisses means the world to him. <33

his favorite form of love is probably hugs. he likes how warm you both feel when you embrace each other, and they can last forever or be short and sweet :)))

i miss ranger

#midori!?

haha basically same as ranger.

midori, like ranger, and playful and stupid. he's always got his hands over you, and now you've got your hands all over him,, so it's a win-win

he's always happy to receive and reciprocate your affection, whether it be hand-holding or hugs.

his favorite form of affection is probably the pats on the back, because sometimes he needs those,, as "tough" as he is.

sometimes he'll just bitch to you in order to get some extra reassuring pats on the back,, so beat his ass if he bitches </33

oh midori you pretty piece of shit

[saksukei]

prince joshua au

masterlist

you loved your job more than anything,, serving the king and his family as a knight, was an honor that wasn't bestowed upon many so you considered yourself lucky

the king was looking for a husband for his wonderful daughter,, and she had rejected so many princes

the king had then called on to some palm readers and soothsayers that had said that the ‘prince’ destined to be his daughter's husband is currently trapped in a tower

the king did more research and came in contact with a small country, who's king and queen had died and their own child, the prince, was locked in a tower guarded by a dragon

the king then appointed you to find the tower, rescue the prince who would marry the princess as a sign of gratitude and they could rule the smaller country together

you agreed obviously

you were cheered on by everyone as you embarked on the journey, alone, with nothing but your horse to listen to your mindless chatter

and honestly, everything was going well like the trip wasn't too tough it was just really long

when you finally reached the castle, instead of causing a scene and all to you know ‘slay the dragon’ you simply found a back way to get up to the tower

you opened the door and then you heard someone singing, “prince joshua?” you called out and the singing stopped

then you came across one of the most handsome men you had ever seen,,, he had black hair, the face of a Greek god with well toned arms and hE LOOKED MORE LIKE A KNIGHT THAN YOU DID??

“are you here to rescue me?” he asked, nonchalantly, as he flipped open a book.

“yes!” you answered, in an unusually chirpy tone.

“cool– get out of here right now because I'm not going anywhere,” he told you quite bluntly

and you were like ??? this mf I crossed half the fuckin land but this ungrateful bitch eye

“i'm sorry,,, but don't you think that I would be rather capable of escaping this shit hole if wanted too?” he hissed. “but I don't– because I don't want to escape and I don't need anyone's help either.”

“prince joshua, I understand what you mean,,, but the princess is waiting to marry you!” you replied.

“oh great– another stuck up princess who wants to marry me.”

“actually,, our princess is great. she's an absolute sweetheart and she's one of the finest bachelorettes in the country,” you explained.

“then why has she rejected,,, fifty other princes and wants to go after the one trapped in a tower?” he deadpanned.

“because–the palm reader said so,,, but this isn't important–”

“i don't need your princess– so just go away,” he told you.

after thinking for several minutes, you came up with a solution

“look how about this? you come back with me, meet the princess and if you like her you can marry her, if you don't, well– I'll help you escape back to this tower,” you suggested, finally catching his attention.

“how do I know you'll keep your word?” joshua asked, setting his book down.

“i am a knight, sir, loyalty is one of the few idiosyncrasies we can offer.”

“alright then,, I trust you– you better not let me down,,” joshua spoke as he grabbed a backpack with all of his belongings.

you used the same way to avoid the dragon and started on with your journey

at first,,, you truly thought joshua was some stuck-up prince but the more you spent time with him,, the more you realized that joshua was literally a gentleman who would be the perfect ruler of the country

he acted like an asshole before because he was sick and tired of people trying to rescue him and take all the glory

you understood his anger and ever since then joshua had been so sweet,,,

joshua wouldn't let you carry his bag, he'd make sure you were getting enough rest during the journey and one day he even offered to keep an eye out so that you could sleep

you on the other hand, taught joshua on how to light a fire etc and even some basic etiquettes,, cause I mean even if he was a prince he was trapped in a tower for so long

one time, you guys had stopped to stay by the river for the night and soon it was early morning and you woke up and saw joshua wasn't near you??

sO YOU PANICKED BEC OBVIOUSLY DID HE JUST RUN OFF BECAUSE IF HE DID THAT MF WAS IN FOR A RIDE

and you immediately ran around the place only to find him in the river,, waist deep into the water, except– he was half naked??

and boi where you shocked

cause joshua was so damn gorgeous

his perfectly chiseled jawline with that broad chest of his, his adam's apple poking out, his abs, his arms, his wet hair jUST HIM???

FUCKING MALFUNCTIONING

AND YOU WERE SO RED SO YOU JUST RAN BACK TO STOP YOUR HEART FROM RACING AND PRAYED THAT JOSHUA DIDNT SEE YOU BECAUSE JSJXJSISJSKSK HES SO HOT

you were lucky, because he didn't bring it up so you assumed he never noticed you standing there and gawking at him lmao

but all in all, you had fun with joshua he always managed to make you laugh but you could always have those late night talks with him

like when he asked you why you became a knight ,,,,,

“well, as a kid, when the knights would come back from winning the battle and the streets would be lined up with roses and people cheering from them, I knew at that point that, that was who I wanted to be.”

and he was like wow you're so cool omfg

also joshua gets impressed every time you hold your sword

HIS EYES LITERALLY LIGHT UP

he says he wants to learn how to use a sword too because he's a prince but he's really scared

you: josh hold my sword, it's literally not gonna do anything just hoLD IT

josh: wHAT IF IT FALLS ON MY FOOT AND SLICES IT OFF

and you were like I think staying in the tower for too long has lowered your IQ level

but you also told Josh that if he didn't like holding a sword, then he doesn't have to, because you were there to protect him with your life

and you didn't realize but Joshua was looking at you with HEART EYES

soon enough, reached the palace and you were kinda upset that you know joshua had to go and well,,, get married and part of you really wished it wouldn't work out

because you had bonded with him so well you just ,,,,, started liking him and it broke your heart knowing you couldn't have him

besides, he didn't reciprocate anything either so it'd be useless to even imagine

but when you told the king and queen and they met joshua

they were like ??? you didn't get the message??

and you were like what message??

“the princess already found someone she liked and she's getting married in like a month–?”

and you were pissed more than you were happy

not because all this effort was for nothing but the fact that poor joshua,,, he might have been looking forward to this

so you talked to the king and queen and they said that joshua should go back to his country now

you left the room and started crying because you felt as if it was all your fault

“hey, are you okay?” you heard a voice behind you say,,,,, it was joshua

you wiped your tears, “y-yeah I'm good,” you managed to choke out.

and before you could leave, joshua wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his chest, where you broke down and told him everything

you especially kept on apologizing to him and said that you'd make everything right and even find him a princess if you have too

“its okay if the princess doesn't want to marry me,,,, cause I found my princess right here,” he cooed and you chuckled because he was so cheesy,, typical Joshua

“but still josh, I'll take you back to the tower and all,” you told him

“nope, no need too– I need to go back to my country and look after my people as well, I've done enough damage as it is.”

“right”

“are you going to come with me if I go?” he asked, hoping you'd say yes

“I'm a knight, i can't leave the country....” you answered.

and then Josh was like okay hollup I'll talk to the king and the queen

and boi went into the room where the king and queen were while you waited outside and they called you inside eventually

and the king and queen were like,, “we would like you to resign,,, so you can marry joshua and go rule his country.”

and you were like ??????HOW DID HE SWEET TALK THEM INTO THIS EYE

the king and queen said they'd like to give you an official good bye if you could stay for another two to three days and you and Josh agreed

Josh had to stay in one of the palace rooms

and it was 7am you were going to talk to joshua about something very important and you knocked and opened his room door

anD HE WAS STANDING WITHOUT A SHIRT

“o-oh my god,,,, IM SO SORRY!” you yelled, as you covered your eyes and bowed profusely

and Joshua chuckled, as he walked towards you, removing your hands from your eyes, eventually pining you against the door,,,

“darling– don't like act like this is the first time you've seen me naked,,,,, we both know you've been quite scandalous.”

[chokemeanakin]

I had a sudden thought. So I haven’t had my period in over a year (yay IUD). But I had the absolute worst mood swings and the first 3 days the cramps would be so bad I had to have some sort of heat pad. I hated not being able to have a bath.

How do you think Anakin would help with those nasty moods or cramps? I’m willing to bet he’d never leave your side and give the strongest snuggles just take your mind off of everything.

AYYOO this has been in my inbox for a long time now but I wanted to take my time with this so lo siento about the wait bb 💖

But this morning I had the WORST cramps so I think that was a sign to get my ass on it 😍

Ok so first of all, I think he’d be very very confused at the mood swings. One minute you’re fine, the next someone could literally breathe in your direction and you’d be like “yo shut the actual fuck up your existence was a mistake 👹👹👹” and he’d just be like “👀😯🤭” and not say anything at first until you probably make someone cry.

And then I think he’d kneel by your side and be like “hey baby I know you’re going through a tough time right now but I think it’d be better for everyone if you took a nap or something...”

And then that would just make you cry and cry and cry, and feel like the shittiest person ever because if Anakin mf Skywalker, King of Dramatics, has to tell you to calm down... well... you must have been awful.

And so you’re crying and trying to hide from him cause you feel so bad and blubbering all “get away from me I suck im sorry I’m such an awful person oh no” but he’s there tugging your arms away from your face and wiping your tears like “no no no it’s okay you’re okay I didn’t meant it like that��� 🥺”

And then you turn to him with a tear streaked face and go “well fuck you then for making me feel like shit!!” And I definitely think he would discover you had a pretty colorful mouth at this point.

But my god he’s just confused now cause what did he say?? It doesn’t really matter cause now you won’t talk to him and you’re still crying a little but your stomach rumbles so he just gets up make you some food cause he knows you’re not actually angry at him 🤷🏼‍♂️

And then while you’re eating you’d mellow out a bit, even laugh at something on the tv. But after you finish you’d get kinda sad and grumpy again cause wtf you’ve been hopping from bed to couch back to bed for two days now and you’re getting real sick of it and there’s barely anything to watch anymore and you want a bath and the mf cramps are hitting again—

And when he sees that I think he’d take your food and set it out of the way so you can curl up with your heating pad, and he’d sit on the edge of the bed and stroke your hair for a while until the worst ones pass, yaknow the ones where it’s like if anything touches you you might combust.

And a few minutes in I think you’ll be so miserable that you don’t even care how pathetic it is to ask him to lie with you, you’ll just mumble like “can you come here please” and he’ll know thats code for “come hold me or I might die” so he gets on the bed with you and probably has you sit in between his legs so he can hold the heating pad to your stomach and rub it up and down and whisper soothing things in your ear as you tense up in his arms and ride out the cramps.

He hates seeing you that way, especially when there’s not much he can do but hold you and maybe use a little bit of the force to take some pain away but it’s not enough, or at least he thinks so.

But for you, it’s nice just to have him here because he’s saying things like “you’re okay, I’m here, I’ve got you..” and “I’m sorry, I know it hurts, it’ll be over soon” and “it’s okay you can squeeze my hand— ow okay, other hand”.

And he’s also trying to distract you, his hands on your arm rubbing circles into your skin, his lips by your neck tickling it as he talks to you, maybe holding a holopad in front of you and playing a stupid game with you.

But if it hurts too bad and you just curl up in his arms and bury your face in his chest he’ll settle for rubbing your back and holding you gently and resting his head on top of your hair as you shiver through the pain.

And you might say something like “fuck me fuck me fuck me this is so unfair” he’ll be like “I know I know I’m sorry” or “fuck you you suck” he’s like “yeah yeah I know” or “this is awful I hate everything” “it’ll get better soon I promise”

BASICALLY he takes everything in swing. Kind of absorbs all your nasty words if you’re in that mood, wipes your tears when you’re crying, and also feels really bad the whole because I will die by this— Anakin is the biggest sucker for tears. And he’ll wait on you hand and foot, get you anything you need, carry you from bed to couch to anywhere else you might want to go, holds you when you want him and watches you sleep when you don’t, etc.

And secretly you feel bad for being sort of a nightmare to deal with but you’re really trying to be nice, it’s just a shitty situation. So in the quiet moments you’ll be like “I’m sorry for all this” but he’ll just hush you and be like “I’m just happy I get to spend time with you 🥰”.

Which is like— 🥺 bro stop.

••••

On the flip side I think at one point he might get annoyed at you, crying and complaining that everything sucks and you wanna rip your organs out and “go away I wanna be miserable in peace maybe I should just succumb to the pain—“

You’ll throw your heating pad to the floor, but he’ll come barging in like “stop that, you need this” and try to put it back on you, but you’re just shoving it away and burying yourself under the covers like “no I’m sick of this lemme die” and he’s like “don’t be such a baby, put it back on” “go AWAY” “not until you put it on” “I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE 👹” “you’re hurting I can feel it” “ANAKIN MF I WILL PUNCH YOU 👹👹👹” “come out here and do it then baby 🙄”

So you rip the covers off and he uses some fkcn twai con doe move (ignore the way I spelled that I’m illiterate) to pin you to the bed and strap the heating pad back onto you and then he’s wrangling your punching and kicking limbs to the bed all pissed off but worried like “😠KNOCK IT OFF you’re going to hurt yourself!!” And then another bad cramp hits you and you kind of deflate like “ow.. 🥺”. And he’s like “I told you 😑 now come here.” And he takes you in his arms while you clutch at his robes and apologize.

Yeah u suck but he knows you can’t really help it so he tries to be patient and honestly, he’s good at it when he tries 🤷🏼‍♀️💖

[carternate]

i really dont understand my own feelings

and im fucking terrified of myself.

i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay

what im feeling isnt fucking normal

and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling

its a literal feeling of a cage.

i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact

i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me

i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.

i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong

but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion

i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore

its noones fault but my own

and that hurts even more

i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time

ive lost control

i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.

i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me

but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse

but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore

im going to fucking explode

im falling apart completely

and im going insane

and i dont feel that i belong here

i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios

but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane

and SO much.

i try to bring positivity and help anna

and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen

but flashbacks hit me hard

the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.

its fucked to say

but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.

i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.

geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically

i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.

nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there

during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.

there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill

im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about

i have questions

so fucking many

and noone wants to hear them

i hate that i cant concentrate

i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened

and i have never felt like that in my life.

i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion

but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts

and my stupid fucking stutter

and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out

but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone

and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever

i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.

i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.

the story never ends i guess.

i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol

but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.

in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine

and i would be happy

and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.

but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs

to be a priority that i take.

i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.

and that fucking sucks.

especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit

but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.

i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay

like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does

or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.

i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?

a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.

this is never going to be over

and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.

God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.

[lumiereswig]

hey all so i just saw ‘hadestown’ and feel duty bound to tell you fools everything about it because i, too, remember what it is to be lonely and on the internet and too poor to see some snazzy broadway shit

there’s no fanfare or anything. the show opens with all the cast coming on—and obviously the audience is going buckwild, especially with amber gray. (u can tell there’s a lot of great comet fans in the audience.) only once everybody is settled does hermes really TAKE THE STAGE.

and boy does he take it. sassy lil shit knows he owns it and just stands there taking in his audience, before flipping his jacket back with dramatic flare (to show his SNAZZY-ASS SILVER THREADED VEST) and starting to sing. (cue noisy wah-wah trombone.)

the setting is p. clearly a bar; orpheus p. clearly works there. he’s like being artsy with the napkins and shit, blossoming them into roses. eurydice is a traveler; she carries with her, wrapped in brown silk, an alter candle that she lights. (after sassing hermes into giving her a match to light it with.) eurydice balances her candle with the paper rose orpheus later makes and gives to her.

orpheus is pretty childlike and dreaming in this version. (not the cocky boy from the off broadway production.) he comes off as kind of lanky and awkward and not quite there; naive is definitely a defining adjective for him. everything about him is soft and gentle and in a dreaming world.

eurydice is kind of a classic tough girl but she’s got a strand of helplessness to her. she puts on a show of not being impressed by orpheus until he sings her the song he’s working on, and manages to bring a rose into his palm.

environmental collapse is a HUGE theme thru this—bigger than i thought it would be. eurydice’s first lines are about how there’s no spring or autumn anymore; everything is winter or summer, too hot or cold to live. the fates sing of the winds—the fates sort of torment her throughout this—but climate change looms as a dread through the show. orpheus hopes his song will bring back summer, put the seasons back in tune.

anyway, everyone’s hanging out at a new orleans style bar. even hades and persephone are there, though above it all in a balcony of their own

did i mention bradley king is a god among lighting designers?

because that will come back a lot

anyway hermes is sort of an uncle figure to orpheus; he was friends with orpheus’s mother, a muse. as soon as orpheus sees eurydice he wants to talk to her, and hermes advices him not to ‘come on too strong’—

and well that plan goes immediately out the window : ‘come home with me!’ [eurydice: ’what?’]

orpheus is just intensely awkward. skinny pale child doesn’t know how to interact with the world

they have kind of an argumentative relationship from the start—they don’t face each other very often; there’s a push and pull as he longs for her and she, kneejerk tough girl, tries not to go for this. but the rose from his palm enchants her, and she holds on to it. ‘you have to finish your song.’

GODDDD AMBER GRAY IS JUST LIIIIIIIFE. her persephone is a total lush and frequently staggers through act 1. she also has a fabulous white coat that gradients to green at the sleeves. when she dances you can’t tell if she’s about to pass out or float up to the ceiling.

when orpheus gives the toast he’s just so awkward it’s appalling

(and everyone toasts except eurydice)

hades wears sunglasses when he comes to the world above to bring persephone back to the world below. he descends from his balcony to get her, and brings her to the center of the stage—and then, oh, SHIT, there’s a fucking perfect round trap door right where they’re standing, and they descend below. (amber gray looking up to the slowly disappearing sky with the face of a martyr who’s used to the gig.)

winter’s hard. eurydice has to bust back out her old ass coat (instead of the winsome black slip thing and brown vest thing she was wearing), and the Fates, bitches as they be, try to fuckin rip it off her. (and succeed. the choreography looks like wind! also chairs and tables looked like they were floating earlier but i forgot to mention that.)

eurydice is trying to get ORPHEUS’S FUCKIN ATTENTION bout the fact they got no food and, uh, three bitchy old ladies dressed all in gray just took her coat, but he’s submerged in writing his song to bring back the weather. and while this is all going on, hades and persephone are having their age-old argument about how hell is too hot and too loud and IT AIN’T RIGHT, IT AIN’T NATURAL.

because, get this, after descending to hell they descended /back up/ into it, and u can tell cuz the lighting is fuckin genius. i’ll explain later except i won’t.

orpheus is just OUT OF IT and not hearing anything at all eurydice is tryin to fuckin say. (the tune keeps going wrong.) hades is sick of persephone not being with his electric shiny no-good shittiness and lays his eyes on eurydice as easy prey.

he puts on his sunglasses again and u know it’s bad news.

he talks her over and gives her her ‘ticket’—two silver coins that she momentarily holds up over her eyes as she looks at us, letting us know that this is some death imagery. she holds both hades’ coins and orpheus’s flower—and, making up her mind, calls out orpheus’s name one last time and descends into the underworld through that same miraculous trap.

and then, fuck me, the trap comes back up but just the red flower is on it. fuuuuuck meeeeeeee i may have wept.

orpheus finishes his damn song and hermes lets him know that hE FUCKED UP HIS WHOLE DAMN LIFE SHE GONE, BITCH, and orpheus sees the flower on the trap door and then he’s weeping, too.

and then we get to ‘wait for me’ and holy shit, y’all, i never been so fully into something in my life? it was so physically intoxicating i almost wanted to throw up. like, wonder as a liquid beverage. tHE LIGHTING? ? i fuckin felt awe on this earth today, i saw god and he’s lit by bradley king.

because! hades’ workers bring on these industrial metal lamps, and they hook them to the wires in the ceiling, and they SEND THEM SWINGING OUT INTO THE FUCKIGN AUDIENCE. they fuckin—they—they they they!—they fucking did! that! sent them swinging out in perfect rhythm and time, fully lit, swinging around orpheus and into the audience. and tHEN! THE FUCKIN SET! BEGINS TO GROW!!!

remember the first time u saw the nutcracker as a child and the growing christmas tree fuckin ripped ur world apart? it’s like that except times ten thousand

like it felt like. like the fuckin world was coming apart. the bar set is slowly ripping open and golden light is just searing into your eyeballs and the golden lamps are still swinging around orpheus and it literally felt like god had opened up a cold one and was just singing something horrible into being. it was wonder. i want to see it again.

like. stagecraft, babyyy

and u think act 1 will end on that because why would it nOT but no, we get ‘why we build the wall,’ which is a sort of chilling propoganda thing where everybody is facing forward and just telling back to hades whatever he’s yelling about, and persephone is there and i’m not sure why (like does she believe this? is she the unwilling consort? what’s the deal?)

and at the end eurydice comes in, and sort of picks up on the gestures everybody is doing—in that way everyone does when they come into a room and they want to vaguely pass as with it so they try to sync in to the general vibe. ‘uhh sure everyone’s waving their hands and talkin about walls so i guess i will too’, that kind of thing

hades shows her up to his office (the balcony door) to sign the papers. as soon as he’s gone, amber gray whips round to face the audience. ‘anybody want a drink?’

it’s intermission and i’m still trying to catch up on all the gasp-crying i started during ‘wait for me’

we also get an overpriced hadestown cup cuz get while the getting’s good, right?

back in act 2 and it’s our lady of the underground, ie amber gray in her exact outfit from above except instead of lurid green it’s savage black. (and instead of a bouncy curly brown wig it’s a black sparkly snood.) she dances and pivots and rivets her way through it, introducing the band, being winsome savage bite-your-face-off-and-offer-to-share-it-with-you amber gray. she’s got a neat little ring-shaped silver flask that hangs from her hand like a purse, and i want one.

eurydice emerges from the office dressed in the same overalls as the other workers—though she looks sexy af in them, ngl—and sings ‘flowers,’ and talks about how nobody down here looks at her, and how it’s like they don’t even see her. the underworld is not what she thought it would be. she wants to go home but can’t. she can’t remember orpheus’s name.

uNTIL HE SHOWS UP! Punk ass bitch made it, somehow, and stumbles onto the stage with guitar in hand. she knows his name immediately. but she can’t leave, because she signed her soul away.

u knew all this. it’s classic myth. did i mention patrick page as hades sounds like the combined harmonics of every rumbling truck on the george washington bridge every time he decides to sing?

orpheus has A Moment™ where it’s like, if this is what the world is, if people sign their names up for shit and i can’t save them, i guess i’ll just go home. but he talks himself out of it (apparently his magic vocal cords work on him, too), and actually talks himself (and the stone workers of the underworld!) into activism.

amber gray and patrick page share a duet i’ve never heard before, and it’s fine, and i think it still needs fine tuning cuz im not sure exactly how persephone feels about hades in this bit. it’s fine. what matters is that at the end of it, hades is FUCKED because rebellion is brewing.

he gets orpheus to sing his song. and holy shit, is it a doozy. holy shit, but were we all crying. hooooolyyy shiiiiiit.

holy shit.

when hades sings the refrain at the end, amber gray looks like she’s experiencing the most visceral, exquisite, heartfelt, heartbroken pain of her life. she literally bends as if she’s felt this pain in her stomach—this pain, this anguish over the song she hasn’t heard for so long from this one man she loved so well.

and when a rose blossoms from hades’s palm, persephone is both crying and laughing. it’s like the old times have bloomed again.

and then they dance.

also, should have mentioned earlier, it’s implied it’s not an og song orpheus is singing; he’s actually stumbled on an ancient one, perhaps one hades used to sing, and THAT’S why it’s so devastating—not just his talent and voice, but the memory of it, the memories it brings back. it’s an ancient song, almost a spell, that can heal the seasons.

hades and persephone hold each other close, nuzzling almost, and eurydice faces orpheus, and for a second u think it’s going to be ok because eurydice is so joyful and persephone and hades have healed. o & e  think they’re gonna leave. they think everybody can leave.

but nope, hades can’t have that. damned if he does, damned if he don’t—so he sets the test for orpheus, but u really get the sense that he’s not doing it from a sense of cruelty any more. it almost pains him to do this shit. but the rivet of steel in his character won’t let himself become king of nothing.

hermes presents the challenge: ‘ive got good news, and bad.’ orpheus keeps asking hermes if it’s a trick; hermes keeps saying it’s a test, a trial. (it’s really a TRAGEDY.)

persephone is wooed by the fact that hades even let them try.

ugh, doubt comes in is. devastating. every single person in the audience audibly gasped—u FELT the air leave the room—when he turned around. we all genuinely believed it would end differently this time. we thought it would. i knew it was coming and i still was DEVASTATED.

eurydice is, too. she started as the doubter, and she had so much BELIEF they were gonna get out of this. ‘it’s you—it’s me—’ she says. she’s already sinking through the trap. fuckin hell, they were on the last few steps. i’m still fuckin emotional about it

orpheus just crashes to the edge of the trap, staring down into the abyss. hermes is singing, softly, about how it’s an old song—it’s an old tale—it’s a tragedy. and then he roars—in a way that cheers me up—WE’RE GONNA SING IT AGAIN.

because that’s the power of it! it happened, it was horrible, but we’re going to SING about it—and maybe change the ending this time—the way orpheus tried to, when he sang his way to hades and sang his way to the stones. it’s the singing of the event that matters, that might matter.

and eurydice is back at the bar, wanting matches—orpheus is back at the bar, seeing her for the first time across the room—and the story goes on, like the seasons .fuckin incredible. everybody in the auditiorium now is tear-stained.

APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE

lasted for like.....seven minutes?? it took ages and the actors were just soaking it up, looking exhausted, because DAMN it is exhausting to chart anguish and joy and victory and determination and love in two hours and 25 minutes

and then hermes shushes the house—because of course he does—and amber gray leads the final toast. it’s acoustic—it sounded to me like she wasn’t even using her microphone? it wasn’t brash at all, just raw—and a simple, honest, kind of homespun way to end the show. and it finally ended, and we cheered one last time, and then we went home sobbing and shaking and wanting to do the whole damn thing again

it was great and the stagecraft was some of the best i’ve ever seen and i’ve literally felt maybe only 3 productions like this, where this emotional shit is actually sitting in your lungs, and u should go, the end

[frobin]

astolfobia

hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet

“I can totally understand the Jinbe/Robin ship, it does make sense. But...”

>> What... do you mean about not being sure if Zoro reacted correctly or not about Usopp?

Hey hey, 

okay this has nothing to do with FRobin and is more about Zoro, Usopp and the crew dynamics but since you asked I decided to answer. And I try to make myself clear because it’s probably VERY, VERY, VERY subjective and also comes from my female and very European point of view. 

I read the scene again (in german bc I don’t have the official translation at hand) but I also looked if kaizoku-ni-naru has it translated and here it is: https://kaizokuou-ni-naru.tumblr.com/post/190464807603/thank-you-so-much-for-your-wonderful-blog-im

Also many of it is from memory because of course I’m missing the volumes with the beginning of Water7 More behind the read more: 

Let’s do a little recap: 

Usopp left the crew. Why? Because to him it seemed like they were leaving Merry behind because the ship wasn’t strong enough anymore. 

That might seem weird since Merry is just a ship right? But we know that Merry had a soul, that manifested in the Klabauter. Merry was part of the crew but as soon as she was too weak (Usopp did not know that Merry was beyond repair), as soon as there was something better, Merry was replaced. 

That hit Usopp hard because Merry had not only been a present from his friend Kaya but this ship had been with them through so much and who knows how strong the bond between Usopp and the ship had really grown (he had been the one to see the Klabauter and the first to hear Merrys voice) so of course for him it felt like they were abandoning not only a ship, a thing, but a friend and even a crew mate.  Now, Usopp has a lot of problems. He feels weak, especially compared to Luffy, Sanji (who is also the cook) and Zoro who are The Monster Trio for a reason. Nami is a Navigator and so essential to the crew. Chopper is a doctor (also essential) and a literal monster! 

But all Usopp can do is shoot. He is probably going to be the best sharp-shooter in the world but he is not aware of that. Not back then and not now. Even after all the amazing things Usopp did in the recent arcs, he still considers himself weak. 

His self-worth is low and he loathes himself, probably feels like he is worth nothing. The only thing that he is good for is keeping Merry afloat, a memento to his island where he was important. Maybe the only thing that keeps him afloat too. 

So, the crew is willing to abandon Merry. Who tells that they won’t abandon him? Right after he lost a part of the money that was supposed to be used for Merry, right after he had to be saved by his crew, because he is weak!  

And you can bet that Usopp has abandonment issues too. After all, his father left to have adventures. Usopp lost his mother to sickness when he was still a small child. The village was annoyed by the child that ran every morning along the road to shout “Pirates are coming!”. Not as a threat but because he hoped that it would be true, that his dad would come back for him one day. Instead he grew up alone until he found some kids that thought he was cool enough to be their leader. He somehow managed to befriend the sick girl, and told her lies, like he did for his mother. And then Kaya was willing to renounce, to abandon him for Kuro.  

Merry is important and they want to leave Merry - him - behind.   

Usopp was afraid, got angry and he attacked Luffy. 

Was it smart? No. Was is it understandable? Yes. Could they have handled all that better? Fuck yes! 

But they are both teens who are stubborn and hot headed and in a tough and loaded situation. So I understand why it happened. 

And Usopp again is beaten, even with his smarts and his knowledge of Luffy’s weaknesses. He could not win. Because he is too weak. He lacks. He is not good enough. Luffy not only destroyed Usopp’s (already beaten) body, but also another part of his self worth. 

(I’m not crying you’re crying!) 

Then, we all know that Robin was caught,  while Usopp fixed himself up and then later met Franky. It was only then that Usopp learned that the ship was beyond repair but also learned that Merry had a Klabauter. And then more shit happened. What we also know is that Usopp had a very, very large role in the rescue of Robin and that he was one of the people who talked sense into her. Without him they wouldn’t have saved Robin and Luffy might have given up. He pep-talked him to continue fighting. 

(It’s still you who is crying! Shut up!) 

Anyway, let’s get to Zoro telling the rest of the crew that they can only accept Usopp back when he apologizes. Which, let’s be honest, makes sense.

Usopp should apologize. Because he was in the wrong. But his decisions came from a very specific place. 

So yeah, Zoro is right. But I get a bad feeling at the whole display of aggression and that Zoro expects Usopp to live up to his (Zoro’s) also very specific views and values of a warrior and the honor associated with it, without caring for Usopp’s. Again, a boy who grew up alone without any role model except that vague idea of an amazing pirate that was sailing the sea.

And the whole “Either it is like I say or I go!” stroke me as especially harsh.

Because I’ve been confronted with that sentiment so often, that I felt that deep in my bones. When I read it first, I didn’t even realise why that scene shook me. But it was that exact sentiment that poisoned my club and ultimately made me leave it, because I gave the ultimatum right back “You will go if things don’t go your way? Then go or I leave!” I’ve been part of that club since I had been seven years old. I left it with 25 because I had more balls than that fucking asshole and I’m still pissed about it, ten years later. And I’m very forgiving.

What Zoro said was that everyone has to know their place or they are no material to be a pirate (which is kind of weird since some people become pirates to be free, if you want to follow and know your place, maybe you should become a Marine). Ultimately you have to know whom to follow and that is - in this case - Luffy and no one else. You have to trust his judgement because he is the captain or else he is not much of a captain. 

And again this can make sense because if you don’t trust your captain or know your place on a ship it can be a death sentence at sea. 

Then there is this thing that this is ‘no playing pirate’. 

We still don’t know all of Luffy’s reasons why he wants to be pirate king but he often hints that he just wants to be free and have fun with his friends. That sounds a lot like ‘playing games’. At that point he only slowly learns that being a pirate is often way more serious and dangerous and filled with tough decisions than he thought. Playing games and have fun, that is why he was so delighted when he heard that Usopp wanted to come back. But playtime is over that is why he agreed with Zoro. Time to grow up they are at war after all.  

We know why Usopp left the crew, went against his captain and friend, because Usopp felt like they were abandoning ANOTHER FRIEND. 

But whatever reason there MIGHT BE does not matter for Zoro. He even says he does not know why all of it happened, does not care who was wrong or right.

I think that is a dangerous sentiment! Because personally, I feel like it’s important to try to see outside of your own perspective and I think you should never judge before you know all the facts. If you then still come to the same conclusion that is fine and if you come to another that is good too.That is what it means to make an informed decision, because the world is not black and white. Many things have reasons that are so layered that you can’t just expect everyone to come to the same conclusion when they don’t have the same information. That is why communication is important. 

Usopp waited for the very last moment to reach out to his friends. The longer he waited the longer he could imagine that everything would be fine in the end. He gave himself to that illusion. Zoro would have never done that and so no one else should do it. He is not exactly empathic. I feel like Zoro can’t look farther than his own ideas.

But I can agree with Zoro to some amount. I understand where he comes from.

Do I like it? Absolutely not. 

So, to slowly come to an end, we all know how this went. And I have to give it to Zoro, he also did say “I hear nothing” whenever Usopp tried to handle the situation like nothing had happened. He wanted him back too, after all.

And shit, it worked. Usopp cried out to his friends, he apologized and Luffy reached out to him to reel him in. 

But I can’t help but think that it absolutely destroyed Usopp after all. He saw his friends leaving him behind in a foreign city without any support. He just got a bounty and so would get in the focus of the marines, especially them thinking he is still part of the Strawhat crew. 

The crew, his friends, would leave him because he is weak and not worth anything and he would have no friends and be alone forever. 

I don’t even want to start to imagine the pure despair he felt that moment. And it stayed with him, as we learn in Thriller Bark. And again and again. 

So yeah. 

It worked in the end but I think it could have been handled better. 

Well, that is easy to say as a grown up with some more years under my belt and from an outside perspective. But even back when I first read it, it gave me a strange feeling. 

I think at least one of the crew should have talked to Usopp and given him some clues. And I’m sure Franky would have if he knew what was up but he hadn’t been part of the crew. Robin didn’t for whatever reason talk to Usopp, but she also never agreed with Zoro, looked almost angry about it. Nami also didn’t want to go against her captain, I guess. Sanji agreed with Zoro, maybe also with a bad feeling and Chopper is even less experienced than any other of them.

Oda is an amazing storyteller with a lot of characters that have an incredible amount of layers but that does not mean I agree with him all the time and so I don’t agree with his characters all the time.   

And that is what I meant. XD Sorry for the long text.

[haile-marie]

i know i don’t post updates anymore and im weaning off this website but i gotta post this somewhere

we got a lot of TWs under the cut:

The past few months have been hell trying to find a place to move out while not being able to work. I don’t have an income anymore and while I have money from my first settlement (part two coming soon hopefully), management companies don’t give two shits about how much money people got (im not mad i get it someone could literally spend all of that money in one night lmao) so like i CAN move, but they are looking for steady income but im needing a new job bc i cant go back to my other job for a lot of reasons, but yes i am almost lifted from my surgery restrictions (i could work technically, but i can’t with kids so) But uh, my dad is getting...worse. and im not really safe right now. physically I am... I think... my dad hasn’t tried anything and I don’t think HE physically can cause he’s in so much pain and he can’t do much anyway but whatever i feel cornered and so obviously its affecting my ability to do literally everything but especially schoolwork and so i’ve been having major panic attacks and i’ve been thinking about putting a minor pause on school for a semester or two just so i can find a job and move and then go back to school. 

Wednesday comes around I see my therapist and she tries to be the voice of reason and says that school is a positive outlet for me (she’s right....) but I knew she was gonna say meet with your advisor so I made an appointment with my NEW (I changed majors-so new) advisor. Thursday comes along, but the scheduling got messed up so we didn’t have a lot of time to talk. Basically, I had to meet with a random person from my school and tell her “hi, nice to meet you, i’m being abuse at home, i don’t know about school, uh....” so, obviously, we made an appointment for next Thursday to talk more and yes we made sure it was correct. 

All of that has been SO so SO tough because I don’t talk about my abuse to anyone in my life besides my therapist and my CLOSE close friends. I posted that gofundme so now some of my distant friends and old work friends know which is fine, but now school administration knows, and I’m going to have to tell one of my doctors (more on that in a second), and its just happening so fast I can’t keep up and it’s giving me a migraine.

Besides all of that above, I’ve been sick (if you’re in the field, it shouldn’t be a surprise that they’re connected though), but, turns out, my asthma came back, but not really since it’s always been there apparently. I was diagnosed with asthma as a kid, but the doctor I had as a kid said “it went away”... nope.

I have intermittent asthma and this situations is just a flare up. Since my initial diagnosis as a kid, I’ve had asthma. And now, because I haven’t been taking care of this flare up, I have pneumonia (we caught it SUPER early thank god). I am extremely happy that we caught my asthma problem. My doctor and I have concluded that it’s always been with me and I “never grew out of it” because I’ve always struggled with “”being out of shape”” when in actuality I probably wasn’t. Up until three years ago, I never struggled with my weight, and while I didn’t work out, I was active, but I still had problems with my lungs/chest and always put it off as being out of shape and deep down I was EXTREMELY ashamed. After awhile it got worse, my depression got worse, I got into my car accident, and so on. Here I am today, on my birthday, learning that for the past ~15 years that my asthma never went away. That for the past 15 years I was, after all, “”in shape”” and I was feeding myself lies and it eventually became a self-fulling prophecy and I became out of shape and now I’m going to have to work harder to get back to my life AGAIN.

but yeah speaking of “”being out of shape”” and all that shit, i’m “”officially” insulin resistant, thanks to stress/mental illness, genetics trauma, trauma recovery, trauma processing, and still living with my abusive parent(s). I’m at a low level, so diet will help turn it around. I haven’t met with my weight loss doctor yet, so i’ll probably post something next week when I have more information.  

I know it sounds bleak, and I’m mad (mainly at my parents), but ALL of this is the turn around I needed. Everyone has been incredibly helpful and understanding. January sucked ass, but this month is going to be the official first month of my turn around and the beginning of the new and better me. 

Hello, if you’ve read all of this, thank you very, very much. Have a picture of Paige as gratitude.

[premakalidasi]

thepurelands reblogged your post:Listen, I’m up to here with “spiritual” men and...

I love this SO much… All else to say, which is not in contradiction to your words but a qualifier, is that we as women...

#so much YES#sexuality

Well, I would be very careful with your terminology there (even though I believe your basic intent was benevolent, don’t worry). Saying women “aren’t victims of the patriarchy” edges far too close to basically telling women, bluntly in their faces, that they’re just imagining it all. Which is bollocks--and what I’ve been trying to get at in my post; that there are issues in the way of healing and liberation and becoming whole. It’s exactly because women are victimised as fuck and abused and beaten up all the time that it’s more difficult for them to even start handling sexuality. 

Women are victimised and abused left, right and centre by a fucked-up, patriarchal system that values the male and “masculine” values over “feminine” ones, and that fucks men up as well as it goes. The whole system is based on violence and power-over and it’s 100% real. And we absolutely need to acknowledge that before we can move on. Not tell women, like far too many self-help guides (who’ve never had PTSD themselves) that hey, just think positive sparkly New Age thoughts and be ~open~ and ~forgiving~ (and forget about these silly BDSM things as therapy) and everything will be fine. Women are fucked over in this world 24/7, end of story.

But.

But.

There’s a difference, a massive difference between being victimised, being on the receiving end of violence and abuse and adopting a victim identity. That’s the key; that’s what I hope you were after, too. I don’t believe in victim-blaming, but I do believe in shaking people out of the *internalised* victimisation part, the internalised self-hatred and passivity and weakness. I would never have said this pre-Tumblr, but I am honestly starting to wonder if women wouldn’t be so badly off right now if it weren’t for their own fetish for fucking themselves over.

My dear, dear sisters: whenever you feel hopeless and useless and act accordingly (or, rather, remain passive because you’ve accepted you’re shit), feel like you don’t have the right to do X (act that doesn’t harm anyone), don’t have the right to say Y (thing that doesn’t harm anyone), that this thing is rude and that thing is being a spoilsport, circle your sentences with “hehe” and don’t use full stops because that’s too stompy and yadda yadda, that’s a big-ass part of what keeps you down. You. You keep yourself down because once you’ve been put down by someone else, you copy them and start doing it to yourself, too.

Every time you call yourself a victim (instead of someone else victimising you that very moment), every time you think you’re weak, every time you’re being a nice girl and not making a fuss (when you absolutely should), every time you put yourself down and remain passive, someone benefits from that. Every time you fuck yourself over typing a Tumblr tag saying “but I feel like there’s nothing I can do” or “im shit lol”, someone’s going to benefit from that, usually the dudebros who are having fun somewhere else celebrating violence and other tough-guy crap (while trying to pretend they aren’t soft and squishy human beings underneath all that). Every time you define yourself through something you are Against, you let yourself be defined by the thing you think is your enemy; by focusing on resistance you’re forgetting about the part where you should be exploring and actively building alternative ways of handling things. You have a choice as to whether you’ll type that Tumblr tag or not, but you’ve forgotten you have it. You’re not being yourself--you’re being what The Man wants you to be. Miserable and malleable and useable because you don’t believe in yourself, believe you have any rights, any power, any divinity in yourself.

So I just want to clarify that. There’s a difference between being abused and *abusing yourself,* putting yourself down. There’s something you can’t help--if someone’s kicking you in the face with a combat boot, it’s pretty damn difficult to start manifesting your innate divinity. And I don’t want anyone to belittle that. It’s incredibly difficult to handle sex if the penalty for that is humiliation and physical violence. But those times you are on your own, self-governed (for example, on your own blog on the Internet, or in your own bed with a vibrator)--if you choose to put yourself down *there* as well, then, yes, that’s a problem. And that’s where you’ve got to start, because if you don’t believe that you have any value, you can be used over and over. That’s candy for abusers; that’s candy for narcissists--they see they can walk all over you. 

These self-defeating structures have been programmed into us for millennia exactly to uphold the system as it is, so that we remain home as passive housekeepers and baby machines. It all goes back to that; every time you say “I should put my feelings and hurt aside and put others above myself at all times even if it literally kills me,” it goes back to being an efficient homemaker while the guys (in turn brainwashed into being good cannon fodder, efficient killing machines) go off to wage war. All gender bullshit boils down to that: either making someone into an efficient home/kid management system or a killing/moneymaking system, and all the divine potential inside of us, regardless of genitalia, gets destroyed and burned on the altar of that system. It’s madness. 

But we’ve come so far from that. We’ve now got the technology and civilisation and brains to be far more than just homemakers or soldiers. We already know we can use these skills for building hospitals--transcending the homemaker and the warrior and channeling that into medical science and the engineering and power needed to build that hospital (and that these skills exist cross-sex, so gendering them is too limiting). We should be able to articulate our feelings and use them wisely by now, and to respect each other by now. But we have to respect ourselves first (and the same goes for guys respecting their “girly” parts). If you start saying “no, actually, this is how it works for me”--which is why I was explaining all those things about the female orgasm in my post, because nobody fucking talks about it on that level, especially in spiritual contexts--then we have a beginning. It’s a defiant act, a hella radical act and it’s exactly when we realise what such women are up against that we understand just how revolutionary it is. 

Even now, I have to try and stop myself from saying “TL;DR” here because that’s one of those many forms of self-belittling, ways of saying “hehhehe, what I just said isn’t that important” because it bloody well is. I struggle with that shit, too. (I’m not even going to go into the list of the shit I’ve been through, even if this kind of Discourse often demands people show their hand--because I don’t believe in cred through victimhood. I almost started to list that shit, but stopped myself, because that’s what awareness is all about--not just vomiting out what you feel, but trying to at least have some consideration over what your output’s gonna be. And I don’t want anyone to feel they somehow have less cred than me because they haven’t been on the receiving end of X, because that’s inhuman and also insane). But all you folks need to know that I’ve been There, and over and over. And sick of it. And it’s exactly because people still self-perpetuate all this crap that I can’t keep quiet about it any more, having been through all this myself. Twenty years ago, I hoped things would be better in 2018, but they just seem to be getting worse, so we’ve got to talk about this stuff, start talking about it as much as people talked about this stuff in the 60s and 70s, and as critically as they did then (but that’s a whole different rant).

We’ve all got to start somewhere--but let’s just be careful about the terminology and not taunt people with broken legs into running when they’re still recuperating, or in any way imply they fell over themselves when someone else tripped them over. 

There’s a difference between sabotage and self-sabotage. Being victimised=/=victim identity.  

Now, can we talk about the glory of uterine orgasms? 

[firstwefinish]

bucky barnes headcanons

yessss this is what im Here for

always wanted a doggo but new steve would probably DIE from one so he never ended up getting one

post cacw the First thing he did was ask sam about therapy dogs

would have the WORST pick up lines but anyone he was asking out would get flustered anyways because hes smooth as heck even when being an idiot

obvs would take care of his main man stevie day in and out when he was sick before the serum

but wouldnt tell anyone when bucky’s actually sick because hes Tough and didnt want people to have to worry about him/didnt want to be a burden

would TOTALLY tell the commandos “embarassing” stories of steve including but not limited to

“literally has fought, and will fight anything that moves” 

“once he tried to convince me he wasnt sick while he was literally throwing up on me”

“surprisingly cuddle-able. even with the 60 new pounds of muscles” followed by a “come on buck”

bc he always nursed good ole steve he would totally be the second medic that the commandos would ask for odd tips and tricks when suffering through especially cold winters

becomes the best bros with sam. they especially like to play pranks on their good ole pal steve

clint is one of the first people to not treat him like hes a piece of broken glass and he really appreciates it + they bond INSTANTLY over clint’s dry sarcasm

sometimes without telling steve bucky just watches steve when he paints because its super calming for him. it reminds him of before the serum and hydra when everything was normal. and watching steve draw and paint steadies him in really hard times

alternatively: “paint me like one of your french girls”   “bucky its the middle of the day and all our windows are open please put on some clothes”

tony talks to him about ptsd and ways that he has tried to cope. they both help each other avoid the more unhealthy ways of coping

bucky still blames himself for a lot but is getting better at reminding himself that it wasnt his fault 

“coffee is SO much better now holy SHIT”

“steve have you heard of _____?” insert pop culture reference from the 70s thats completely out of date 

“why were mullets ever a style im so glad i wasnt around for that jesus”

“i bet you had one stark”    “it was fashionable okay?”

overall doing pretty well considering everything hes been through. all of the avengers do their best to help him in the ways they can but make sure to not baby him steve does this even though he doesnt realize it, and is trying to stop

i have so much more but if i keep going now im never gonna stop lol

[theblondestories]

Nov. 19th, 2017

So how should I begin this? Brace yourself, this is about to be kinda long!

I decided to start this page because I needed to vent about my life issues. Yes you might ask “does this person have friends” or “has this person looked into a therapist”, I have...at my university for one, but its $5 for a “brief” session and I need much more than brief for my baggage and two a real therapist is $50+, which a broke college student like me cannot afford as some of you know. And yes, I do have friends but the things I am caring on my back, no one would understand. Some of them know about it, but rarely ask me how I hold up or some don't bring it up at all.

I may be 22, but I currently don't work & honestly I haven't been looking for a job since I got fired in August. I used to hate my job & as I was finally opening up to it, i went out of town for month during the summer to visit family out of the country & when I got back I contacted my boss ready to get back at it (he knew Id be gone & said it was completely fine, ass) he hits me with the:

“How was your trip? Oh so we’ve decided to let you go.”

?? SO WHY DID YOU ASK ME HOW MY TRIP WAS?!

Anyway, since then Ive just had a lot go on regardless and wouldn't have been able to maintain a job for these past few months. 

This gets a little emotional now because i’ll get into my problems. My mom has been sick with cancer for 2 years now and it was just a shock to my family. No one on her side has ever been sick & it just came out of no where. My mom has been a healthy person for most of her life. It was actually October 2 years ago when the whole thing started, it was a really hard time for me as I’m sure to anyone who just found out this information. I would never have imagined this happening to our family. After getting surgery and doing treatment for 6 months she was “cured” but 6 months later it had returned. They tried out a different chemo and it worked for a while but not completely. It was a tough time for my family and I was terrified. I never shared any of this with my friends, I didn't want anyone to pity me or ask me questions that I couldn't handle.

My mom was hurting too because her whole family lived across the world and for years she wanted to move back there and be with them. My dad was struggling financially and was overwhelmed with taking care of my mom for two years here alone. His side of the family never cared for us and never helped out. My grandfather (dads dad) passed away from cancer so you'd think they'd be more understanding and lend a hand, but they're selfish people. It disappointed my dad so much he doesn't speak to them now. 

Anyway, because so much was going on my dad decided to send my mom to live with her family out of the country. His plan was to travel back and forth to work in the states and go be with her for a while and just keep that process going. It initially was suppose to be our whole family move out there, which I wasn't ready for at all. Im in my fourth year of school and i haven't finished or am close to, my whole life is here, I wasn't sure how one was suppose to just get up and throw all that way to move half way across the world. I probably sound so selfish too, yes its my mom and she needed me but trust me if you were in my shows you wouldn't know what to do either. My mom knew it hurt me and agreed to let me finish school here, but I spent the whole summer there with her along with my 2 brothers. 

Me and my youngest brother, Ryan, are close. He's 15 and one of the greatest kids you'll ever meet. Me and the 18 year old, Spencer, clash a lot. If I could punch him in the throat, I would. Ryan ended up staying to live there with my mom. Spencer was suppose to, but it was his senior year of high school and my parents agreed on letter him finish. 

I came back in August, right before classes started up, I really just couldn't catch a break because then in the beginning of September we lost our house due to a hurricane. Completely flooded as to where we had to swim out. Everything was ruined along with our cars. Ever since, my dad and Spencer have been living through hotels. Mid September things got rough again with my mom. She had to get another surgery and there was just a lot going on. I dropped all my classes and flew out there to be with her till mid October. Im glad I went because she needed me, but it legit fucked up everything for me here with school. Dropping out of my classes caused me to not be enrolled in the university so they were going to kick me out of my housing, which I desperately needed now because we didn't even have a house. 

Let me tell y'all this, NO BODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. NO ONE WANTS TO HELP YOU. Its the worst. I literally felt like someone was physically pushing me on the floor and holding back down not to get up. 

I ended up having to enroll in a class that I didn't even need just to keep my housing when i returned. My tuition is currently at $5,000 and I have no way to pay it.

I know Im bitching a whole lot, but today has just been a rough day. My dad called me a few hours ago telling me my mom wasn't doing well again and that I need to go back and stay for a few months because she wants me there. Mind you not he hasn't seen her since she left back in June because hes still not in good standing financially (especially after the hurricane) and he has the audacity to make me feel guilty that Im not there. When I was there in September she’d continuously ask me when she thinks he's going to come, but i never had an answer. 

The thing is when I talk to my mom on the phone everyday as I did today, she rarely tells me how she's actually feeling, but I can just tell by her voice. Yesterday I knew she wasn't feeling well because she told me, but today she said she was better, I could also hear it in her voice. My dad stated otherwise so I called her again asking her if she wasn't telling me things, which she denied to. Come to find out my dad has been telling her all these things about me on how he's concerned because he doesn't know who I'm spending my time with, or going out with or that I don't work & just spend money on going out to eat with friends and it would be best if I just moved out there too.

Me and my dad have always been close and I'm basically a “dads girl”, he never really denies me and doesn't say things to my face so I end up hearing about them from my mom, which honestly offends the shit out of me. It offended me because I know my dad well and he basically threw me under the bus to avoid a conversation with my mom about when he's showing up and that I'm a “hand full” so he's dealing with everything and stressed out. Which he is, but then everything gets thrown at me. 

So now I'm dealing with the fact that my mom thinks its best for me to move out of the country and be with her side of her family because they're the only family I got and they love and care about it. She says I can finish school there and just start a new life. I wouldn't say my life here in the states is that great, but when I go out there I feel like a nobody. 

Im really not a selfish person because I love my mom so much and I wish this was happening to me instead of her. I’m so scared for the future, but I don't see my future being there and no one seems to understand that. We’ve never grown up with my dads side of the family so I don't feel like I’m missing out on being a family with my moms side. Growing up maybe I did wish for that, that her family was here & we could have holidays and celebrations with them, but I grew out of it, I don't care for it. Ive become used to seeing them almost every summer for a month or two and then going back to my life. I wish it was as important to me as it is to my mom and I wish I wanted what she wanted. 

All my life I’ve dealt with depression, Ive never been happy & didn't think i could get anymore unhappy, until these past few months. I don't feel like my life isn't mine. I feel confused and lost. My heart hurts in so many aspects. I feel completely lonely inside and its the worst.

until next time -- 

xox D

[resmarted]

alright alright, finish your g&t cause now it’s time to leave on another plane where you are say, the young popstar turned actress that is cast for a cameo on a show im working on that’s about crime scenes and forensic detectives, and this is like your first job outside of your own world of yes men and fans so it’s new territory, but you’re unbothered by it bc you’re young and you have instagram notifications a mile a minute, and there are more important things to be doing. you’re a nightmare to work with, but everyone knows this because you’re also somebody’s daughter and you get what you want regardless. i don’t even have to interact with you because i’m always in the production office but gary calls in sick for the first time ever and suddenly we are short of hands and they need someone to step up, which i do instantly because gary is a teamster and i want to move up to that division because they get the best benefits and are unionized, it’s just much better money for much less work. well, that’s what i thought anyway. my only job today is to drive you from your hotel to the set, but the filming location is different than usual because it’s a desert scene and way out over on the other side of the hills. i don’t really know california geography but i’m assuming there’s just a lot of hills and everyone’s always just referring to the hills and whatever, the point is you walk out in this ridiculous disguise in an attempt to throw off paparazzi, this long blonde wig and retro rose colored glasses. of course that doesn’t work and you get bombarded with photographers, which is annoying, but the day only just started. you don’t talk to me or acknowledge me and that’s fine. you sit and watch videos on your phone and play various songs to snapchat yourself to, making kissy faces and different angles. i am driving at the pace of a snail, bumper to bumper traffic, and your phone keeps making little dings and noises. at one point you casually say mmk we’re going to make a stop at a prada, i need to pee. i laugh and you instantly snarl like, is there a problem? i start to talk and you’re like it was rhetoric-cal, and i shoot you a look in the rearview mirror like did this bitch just say rhetoric-cal? i try to explain to you that we are on production’s time and you say it’s an emergency without looking up from your phone. as soon as i’m about to respond i get a call from upper management basically saying to just do as i'm told. what is she, texting them? i sigh and give up like ok, let the nightmare begin. we have to turn all the way around to get on a different highway and sit in even more traffic, and when we get there you have the whole place shut down so you can do lines in the bathroom and shop for new handbags in peace. my phone is blowing up from producers urging me to hurry her back as fast as possible, and i’m already just settling on the fact that i’m just never going to be promoted to teamster, at least not anytime soon. you make me turn the radio up to full volume so you can get the most out of your high and your kpop playlist. you say you want in n out and god please no don’t do this to me, we are already so behind schedule, but of course you’re too powerful to disregard and too manipulative to be convinced into anything else. so we go and forty five minutes later you have ordered a massive amount of food, i guess for your invisible entourage, and you don’t even take a single bite. of course you don’t, what was i thinking, you don’t eat. you’re just trying to assert your power by stalling time as long and as luxuriously as you please. it’s not until i get back onto the freeway that the car starts to stall. oh shit, oh shit. oh shit oh shit oh shit no don’t do this to me, not now, not today. you groan that there’s no cell signal here and i bite my tongue from saying uh yeah bitch, there’s no wifi in the desert. you roll your eyes and for the first time i see you reach for something that isn’t your phone and ah yes, a flask. you take a decidedly long swig and i just stare at you in disbelief. a burp erupts from your body like a demon being exorcised and you wipe the back of your mouth with your arm. i can hear you go oh shit, my velvet kylie gloss. can you redo it for me? that’s when i lose my shit. i slam my fist against the car, breathing sharp through my nose like, no. no i can’t help you reapply your kylie gloss. i’m not here to wipe your ass, i’m just here to drag you to the job that you agreed to, and not only are you making it impossible but now we’re in the middle of fucking nowhere with no service and no way to even contact anyone to come out. you know i’m going to get fired over you, right? or does that not even register in your puny little glittery pea of a brain, you fucking moronic cretin sent from hell? you know it’s not normal for people to live the way you do, right? it’s not a fucking game, this isn’t some fucking party for you to pass out halfway through, there are people waiting around for the princess to arrive and guess who’s not showing up with the chariot? that’s right it’s me, it’s me you fucking tool. all because i got the bright idea to step up and take something that gary, who literally never missed a day of work ever, decided this was the day he wasn’t going to bother with this shit, and you know what? i don’t blame him. just as i’m about to further scold you, i turn around and see you bleeding heavily from your nose and foam starting to flood from your mouth. what the fuck? i scoop down to pull you up from the dirt where you’ve suddenly crashed and your body feels like a dead fish. i’m slapping you gently on the face trying to get you to snap out of it, and if nobody was stopping before they definitely won’t want to now, i look like your goddamn pimp right now. you half open one eye and manage to slur out a series of mumbles, and i make you repeat it again and again until it becomes words. you flop your head back and moan, take me to caesar sinai. fuck it. that’s it, i’m just gonna go for it. i am getting nowhere trying to wave people down and so i decide to just walk right into traffic, flailing my arms wildly at the first car that stops, which manages to somehow not leave a scratch on anyone. when an ambulance arrives and rushes us into er i pretend you’re having a bad reaction to seafood. i mean what the fuck am i supposed to say? i got a very expensive tabloid story’s worth of information to just give to any old creep that asks? i mean i hate you but i don’t want you to suffer for the world to see. they pump your stomach and when you’re lucid i’m sitting next to you, watching all the tubes going in and out of your body now. you’re so much nicer now that you’re docile from all this trauma. you meekly tell me hi, and i don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to say now so i just kind of look at you and say nothing. i mean i’m so done with you at this point and am wondering how soon i can bail, is she even my problem now? isn’t someone else ready to take over? why has no one arrived by now to see you? does anyone even fucking care? that’s when your dad bolts in and starts firing off shot after shot at you like he’s talking to a drill sergeant and not his sick child on a breathing monitor in a hospital bed. he’s yelling at you like i was yelling at you, but way worse. what the fuck is wrong with you? do you know how close we were to being seen? i already had to pay off the staff to keep it under wraps from the press, and damn it that i didn’t just ship you off after your mother and i divorced. your heartrate speeds up and your breathing becomes labored and sir, don’t you think there’s a better time for this discussion later maybe? time? you think i have time to be dealing with this? that’s what i pay people for, why aren’t you dealing with this? maybe if you were doing your job i wouldn’t have to be down here and suddenly you pipe up dad, please stop. i’ll be fine. she just saved my life. that's right bitch, i'm a girl too this time. your dad does this weird 180 where he goes from being completely abrasive to so apologetic and there’s no in between, it’s like a switch that’s been turned. you point to me and say i didn't catch your name, and for a second i want to be like o rly? is that what the nice christian girl just noticed, that i'm a person? i tell it to you and your dad goes wait, you're the one that walked into traffic for my daughter. or maybe it's more like dawta. he tells me instantly that he wants to promote me - to being your personal assistant. she needs a handler i can trust, you're perfect for the job. ohhhh the fuck i'm not sir, but with all due respect, i don't think so. i'm just a teamster (not true) i'm not equipped to be overseeing a person's life at all hours. he goes, what do they pay you to be a teamster? and before i could answer i'm not actually a teamster he goes, i'll pay you triple. i really want to say no the fuck way but i also really want to be able to afford things like food and gas and sweet kicks. i sigh begrudgingly and in a blink of an eye in several months into living with you and, well, handling you. it picked up just where it left off, awkward and tense with a lot of me having to remind myself i can't get lash out at you because you're just this scared girl that doesn't even want to be doing this. your dad swears i can have my job back at the studio if i want it, that i don't have to cater to you and that i can be tough, but eventually the desire fades completely. i make solid meals like eggs and bacon for breakfast while you just eat little kid foods like lucky charms and pizza bites. you start to leave the news on around the house when i'm gone because you've become this attached little puppy that needs to feel like i'm there all the time. i make sure you take all your prescriptions at the same time every day, take you to your appointments on time, and i even check your nostrils every day which you are especially proud to do, like a little kid that just washed their hands and is getting the smell test but i'm looking for cocaine residue and dilated pupils. i'm the normal that you need in the background, or that's what i tell you one day when you ask why it is that you like the smell of coffee so much but not the taste. you resent that and we get into a strange fight like we're a couple, and are we a couple? there's something very cher and josh about the whole thing. you are staring with softest look i've ever seen and i ask, are you going to kiss me? you blush and fumble for words, stuttering but i put my finger very gently over your mouth like shh, it was rhetoric-cal. we make out forever after and all that, you know how these end every time why do i even have to still go over it with you? sorry, am i being a grump at you again just like ya fawtha? you kiss the dead out of me and i stitch my flesh around the broken parts of you, and together we make it back over the rainbow in one piece, just like we always do.