#like its not even a Social Anxiety moment anymore and i know i shouks try to be hashtag more sociable And Confident And Secure but i just
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#neb talks#neb vents#its 4 am and been pondering abt like. My Totally Normal And Not Weird Or Mildly Unfortunate At All Uprising#anyways sorry to be vaguing on main especially on tumblr dot com but i do need to get this off my chest at least so that a) im more likely#to remember it and b) so either i can look back at it or have someone randomly like this post forcing me to look at this post months/years#later even tho i might Delete Later this post#regardless i feel weird apologizing every so often for being a hot unsocializable mess esp since i dont know how to work on it but lately#its getting to a point where im taking my unhealthy coping mechanism to the extremes again and resorting to talking to myself online#easier to deal with a vague audience rather than one on one or with a specific audience if that makes any sense#which is ironic considering my fears with Existing Online#still regardless if the internet have irreparably damaged me or not i dont know really what to do or how to feel like the one unlikable#person in the friend group that everyone is tolerating because they were cool and fun at one point but then sort of became an asshole and#practically that person likely stained their relationship with everyone involved#like its not even a Social Anxiety moment anymore and i know i shouks try to be hashtag more sociable And Confident And Secure but i just#dont know the steps to get there since it seems it be much steeper than it looks#but its not fair for everyone who has talked and known me long enough to see that transistion from the past 5-6 years#tldr: i feel like im a bad friend for being awkward quiet who doesnt really add anything#and ive pretty much have a history of isolating myself and ghosting people which Was Really Bad and im scared with how conflict avoidant#i can be will only make things worse with my insecurities regarding w/ my current friendship w/ certain ppl so ive resorted to Screaming#to the void to deal with that constant anxiety and drive away that urge to Disappear but that can only help so long and i rly should Just#Socialize 4Head but it is also the 1 thing i struggle at and i dnt know how to break that cycle without feeling like everything going wrong#sorry this is weirdly worded h8 typing in the tags wout disrupting ur dashboards w out a wall of incomphresensable txt that you cnt shorten
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