#like it's already a lot that i have low motivation and i distract myself but to add a change when i had a routine down every two weeks

[altrxisme]

//

[tokillamockingbird427]

KATAR!!! Anymore Keegan and Logan HC?😭

Sorry I didn't answer this sooner, Dear. Being motivated to do anything rn is hard for some reason.

To make it easier on myself I'm gonna kinda do the hc's like. Chronologically. You'll see what I mean.

First time they met Keegan actually scared the shit out of Logan. He was too busy looking at Merrick and then Keegan just appeared out of thin air (Walked out of the bushes he was concealed in.) and Logan almost snapped his neck doing a double take. (Keegan continuously teases him about it.)

When they found Ajax under the stadium, Logan felt hella awkward about it because he and Hesh really had no clue what was going on. He did take note of how Keegan handled it though. He and Ajax were obviously very close and he didn't care to try and hide it: He grieved very openly. In a strange way, it was a bit charming? Logan may also be a sucker for sad+strong men. Maybe. (Also when Logan and Hesh started realizing how close the Ghosts were, because Keegan leaned on them and they leaned on him.)

Keegan helped patch Logan up after they lost Santa Monica, seeing as he was stabbed in the chest. This was the moment Logan realized he maybe had a crush, which is a little embarrassing because Keegan had his hands all over his chest and Logan could only try to will away the blush: He failed. Like, you're not supposed to have a lot of ego in the military, so him being half naked wasn't the problem. The problem was that Keegan had his nice warm+strong hands all over Logan's chest, and his mind was so far in the gutter he could only think of said hands being used someplace else, in an arguably better way. (Logan also found that Keegan's "Focused Face" was adorable.) Keegan's inner monologue: "Don't look at his boobs. I mean pecs. Nipples? Don't stare his face is right there, HE'LL SEE. DON'T LOOK... I looked. Fuuuuuck."

During the entirety of the Federation Day mission, Logan felt a little (Very) distracted. They were stealth, so Keegan was being quiet, and his voice was all low and sultry... Logan was honestly lucky that Hesh could cover his ass because 80% of the time he was NOT paying attention. Keegan was confused the entire mission because Logan would just be staring at him. Very hard. He was also distracted 80% of the time, wondering if he was faking himself out or if Logan was really staring at his ass. (He was.) (Shout out to Hesh, for carrying these two doofuses the whole mission. They would be swiss cheese if he weren't there.)

Keegan realized he liked Logan more than he thought he did after their plane got shot down. (Birds of Prey/The Hunted. After they capture+lost Rorke.) Why? Well, all of a sudden, Logan jumped to the top of Keegan's "People to Be Worried About." list. Even over Elias, his captain. (He kinda lost one already so now he's got anxiety.) Logan, meanwhile, was realizing that yeah, he did in fact have a crush on Keegan, because his concern for Hesh and him were equal. Which is not something that happens a lot. (Meanwhile Hesh fighting off a panic attack because his baby brother isn't there to hold his hand. Merrick just :| the whole time.)

The one mission where Logan is less distracted by Keegan and more distracted by something else is Clockwork. He was too busy marveling over the snow. He's a SoCal baby, remember? Keegan found it really cute. And this was the point he came to terms with the fact that he had a big fat crush on one Logan Walker. Really a pain in the ass for him, because he has better things to do than die by Hesh's hand. (He's a touch overprotective.)

Before they go to the Atlas oil rig, Logan finally confesses his feelings for Keegan... to Hesh. He doesn't know how to deal with his crush so he goes running to his big brother for help. Hesh is just *Big Sigh* "There there." vibes. Honestly, he doesn't have a lot of advice because he doesn't date (Too busy looking after Logan.) but he tries because he knows it's important to his brother. Talks with him over his feelings and determines that Logan really does have a crush and not just feelings of admiration he's gotten confused about. (Though he has his fair share of that too.) Tells him to take it slow. Keegan, meanwhile, has gone to Merrick for help. Because oh my god, I have a crush, but it's on LOGAN, whose literal father is my captain. SOS. (Merrick thinks it's hilarious.) They talk and Merrick cautions him to handle it carefully, because there's a lot that can go wrong or be misinterpreted. He also reassures Keegan, telling him if anyone's smart enough to work through the mess that it's him. (Which actually does a lot to still the poor guys nerves.)

During Into The Deep, Logan and Keegan are alone together the whole time. Both are mulling over their feelings but a good majority of their focus is the mission. To say Keegan freaks out when the lighthouse collapses and Logan gets pinned is an understatement. One second, you're being smacked by the hand of god (The lighthouse hit him on the way down.) the next you're looking for your little buddy and find him suffocating to death on the seafloor. Keegan almost had a literal heart attack from pure stress. He himself has almost died several times in his career and he's never had an adrenaline rush quite so strong as the one he had then. Could not resist the urge to check up on Logan after, and bitched about the nurses wondering if they did a good enough job stitching Logan's wrist up. Logan, meanwhile, just feels his crush grow because Keegan just saved his ass and was kind enough to "bother" him after. (Logan very much enjoys the Knight In Shining Armor trope.) Both of them have the idea to confess then, but neither do. Dumbasses.

Keegan fr started re-evaluating his life after they all nearly got crushed by the stacks when running away from the factory bombing. Not because he almost died, he's too used to that, but because Logan almost died. So he was just like "Okay, i gotta tell this man I like him." But not literally, he just thinks "signals" are sufficient. They are not. Logan is still pleased with the attention tho. He also keeps doubting himself everytime he wonders if Keegan likes him lmao.

Oh this is where it all goes to hell. Okay, so like. After Sin City, pretty much everyone is a damn mess. But hey, Logan and Keegan make out, so not terrible? No. They both independently decide the only reason they made out is because they were both really super stressed because there's no way this other motherfucker likes me. (God they're so dumb, lord it's a damn miracle they ever get together.)

Keegan actually loses his fucking mind when he hears Logan went on the train after Rorke. If the fiasco didn't end with Logan abducted and Hesh almost dead then he'd be ripping them both a new one. But Logan did in fact get snatched and Hesh did in fact almost die, so with no where to put his anger/fear he just gets really sad. Aggressively "Adopts" Hesh as his Brother (in law.) because he feels really guilty over not being able to help them, despite his own reasons for not being there. Not much to say for Logan, seeing as he's literally just trying to survive and scared as shit. He cries a lot though. Anytime he looks at the scar on his wrist from Into the Deep he thinks about Keegan tho.

That's all I got lol.

[ouranbutworse]

Anime-Manga Comparisons, episode 17.

I hope I have enough self control to not Renge-out about this Kyoya centric episode, but I don’t have faith in myself. As I said last time, the manga Karuizawa arc is over, but in the anime they make it a trilogy of episodes with this being the final one. This is also part of volume seven, not six, because volume six was all about the battle for the central salon and Kuze and Kanan. I would have paid a lot of money to see them in the anime!

The manga starts off introducing Kyoya, in case we forgot who he was already, but the anime starts with a really foreboding image of Yoshio and his voiceover, and then Akito and Yuuichi too. They’re all shadowy and a little creepy, and now that I think about it, it’s almost like Kyoya’s having a nightmare. I mean, I would too. Also, he wakes up sitting down in the anime, but standing up in the manga. Not a huge difference, but his more dishevelled anime look fits better.

Interestingly, the anime points out his low blood pressure, but the manga doesn’t. I guess that part of him comes later in the manga?

Haruhi says Tamaki would be devastated to know of Kyoya’s motives in the manga, but in the anime straight up says he’d cry, which is more accurate frankly. Also anime Kyoya says he just wants to look around some more before he leaves, but manga Kyoya gives us the more iconic “I don’t like to ride in strange vehicles right after eating, I’m a delicate boy.” If the anime had that line, there wouldn’t be a need for twenty more minutes of the episode because right there is him at his silliest, Tamaki-ist, and most true.

Manga Haruhi asks about his brothers and he actually gives her a normal answer, complimenting them and telling her that being the third son is an exciting game for him, but when anime Haruhi asks about them he brushes her off completely because he’s still pretending he’s unknowable. Haruhi calls him unfair because he knows everything about Haruhi’s family and he finally gives in and we get a flashback. This flashback doesn’t happen in the manga as far as I’ve seen, but god does Kyoya have a pretty face.

In the manga the melon snacks scene happens first, and then the confronting the seller scene but in the anime it’s the other way round. The anime also omits a scene before the confrontation where Haruhi reaches out to touch a vase and the seller swats her away and calls her an ‘ignorant window shopper’, Kyoya doesn’t rush to defend her at first, but he does go on to stop the old woman from buying the counterfeit bowls. Manga Kyoya says that the woman’s ring and kimono is what tips him off, and the flag isn’t there, but instead it’s people obscuring her. Haruhi calls him out and tells him that what he gets from the club isn’t tangible, but something else. Unfortunately before he can try and weasel his way out of it, the lost kid announcement plays.

In the anime scene, we’re looking at melon snacks. As Haruhi is having a sudden breakthrough she’s distracted by Kyoya calling for her, but in the manga she straight up slams into his back while they’re walking. He’s pretty solid and doesn’t seem to even notice, but he does notice her adorable little giggle, as we all do.

The anime adds an entire scene for the other hosts screwing around in the mall, where we see Renge performing a skit for the kids, and we meet Antoinette, who never returns again after this point. Sorry girl, you’ve brought absolutely nothing to this show! You’re still a good girl, though.

Renge’s skit reminds them of Kyoya via one of the Host Rangers, but the host ranger colour is black instead of purple, which is weird considering how much time we spend looking at their significant colours. It helps the others remember their favourite token evil teammate, at least. Tamaki looks especially embarrassed at forgetting his best friend. While they’re worrying over him Haruhi and Kyoya are sitting on a bench with a significant bit of distance between them, using an information board as what I can only guess is a visual representation of the wall between Haruhi and the hosts. Or maybe I’m just looking too deeply into nothing. Kyoya’s sandals are ugly as hell.

Haruhi gets to talk a little more about Tamaki here, how they’re similar, and we get callbacks to Tamaki being his loveable self and even a flashforward to his later episode. He’s probably about to declare his love for the idiot, until the announcement happens and his character development cranks all the way back.

Antoinette licks Tamaki all over his face and Kyoya wonders how he’s anything like him. If you’d gotten Noel in this anime you’d be the exact same and you know it. Since he calls him an idiot and Haruhi calls him out on lying earlier and acting like an egoist when he’s not. She kind of implied he’s an idiot, too, which is correct. The anime ends with Haruhi escaping with the melon snacks and having the upper hand, but in the manga Kyoya calls his bodyguards off screen and they tie up the rest of the club as punishment, giving him the last laugh. Haruhi still makes off with the snacks, though.

Episode 17… and the Karuizawa arc… over!

[fennecthunderfox]

First Update of the Year I Guess

I tend to appear and disappear without warning, so I figured perhaps I should update people on my progress on things and my plans for them. 

First off- I know I complain about this a lot in comic descriptions- but part of the reason why it's been taking me so long to make any kind of art in general is because of mandatory overtime at work. We have been on mandatory overtime for over 2 years at this point. I have been real low-energy because of that. With that fact out of the way, I'm going to try not to talk about it anymore cause I complain too much about it.

  An upcoming blockade to art progress is a wedding (for a family member) and then I'm going to try to get my wisdom teeth out sometime in February. I'll be taking a leave of absence from work during this time, but considering I'll be recovering from a surgery, I don't know if I can be super productive in Feb. Speaking of comics, let's move on to the plans for the comics.

DEFINITELY NOT DELTARUNE:

Defnodel is back to being my top priority... when I actually have time and energy to work on it. I have some amount of determination to finally finish chapter 3 before the end of this year. Which is also along the lines of what I said last year, but never mind all that. I'm somewhat torn on how to do the updates for it. I liked it better when I could draw and post a page Saturday morning after work. I'll see if I can ease myself back into a weekly update schedule once I feel normal after my surgery again.

  VESSELTALE

The problem with Vesseltale right now is that where it's currently paused is the best place to keep it on pause until I can get back into some form of routine with art again. It sucks cause it's been stuck for so long already, but if I did my sporadic updates with VT as I've been doing with Defnodel it may be more annoying to have large gaps in updates. That said I'm open to feedback. If you think any progress is good progress I can try to work on VT in tandem with Defnodel. Defnodel would still take priority, however.

ANIMATICS

I don't think many people follow me for animatics, but I have a lot of ideas in my head. "The Ram Guy" was a fun one to make and I have ideas for other ways to intertwine Distractible audio with Undertale and Deltarune characters. Why? I listen to Distractible at work and imagining someone from the cast raging about a fridge or telling chaotic childhood stories makes work more fun. (I also listen to GO! and am itching to make something from the cricket primer but I'm stuck on who to cast for the roles.)

It's been so long since I've done a music video animatic, but I have plans to do some excerpts of songs at some point and possibly even a full music video. But that's uh... optimistic for me all things considered. I can't even update a comic consistently, so no one expect big animatics. Except for one that I've been trying to make for the UT anniversary for literally 2 years now. Maybe if I had a proper animation program it wouldn't be so difficult (I use fire alpaca and the default windows movie maker for animatics currently).

IN CONCLUSION

I have too many things I WANT to do and not enough dopamine to motivate me to do it. But I haven't given up on anything yet. As of now, I fully intend to continue the comics, animatics, and art in general.

As always I am eternally grateful for everyone's patience with me. Thank you for listening.

[the-wizard-challenge]

The Wizard Challenge

If you're like me and you have both an unquenchable thirst for roleplaying games and executive dysfunction, then you might also find yourself in a similar headspace of getting distracted and not tackling tasks that are necessary for the average functional civilian.

So, I decided to use my favorite pastime (coming up with D&D characters that I'll never use) as a way to help me motivate myself and trick myself into adopting better habits and routines in the coming year.

I didn't make any major new years resolutions for 2023 other than "do the the damn thing," and generally get around to all the things I should get done. My mental illness often inhibits me from getting into the correct state of mind where I feel motivated enough to start something, much less finish it.

And then I got to thinking, what if I could give myself XP for actually finishing tasks I set out to do? What If I could fuel my motivation with my inherent desire for escapism?

As a millennial with mental illness, I've seen motivational plans and tips like this a hundred times before, and have always felt pretty meh about them or fallen off early. Since I thought of this concept, however, I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Might as well give it a shot!

I first turned to D&D 5e, the TTRPG system I'm most familiar with. It's easy to grasp, and there's tons of materials available online.

Then I started going down the rabbit hole that is creating a character concept, which is my favorite part of starting any game. But I also had to think of how I would apply my task management and routine-building.

I decided to pick a Wizard for my class. Because one of my general goals is to read more often, Wizard felt like a good option; any time I finish a book, I can treat it as a spell and add it to my wizard's spellbook.

I've been playing a lot of Potionomics and I adore the design for Luna, a moth girl with a talent for marketing. I picked Fairy for my wizard's ancestry, and got to work designing a moth-ish Wizard baby. Her name is Phalena, she enjoys green tea, and I'm aiming for her subclass to be Order of Scribes.

Then I sat down to think over how certain tasks and goals should be calculated in terms of experience. I didn't want to make things too easy on myself, so I factored in the idea that most D&D groups are about 4-6 players on average. I looked up some basic enemy stats for 5e (specifically, low CR enemies) and used that to build up my own system.

Basically, everyday tasks like doing laundry, washing dishes, or picking up groceries are equal to low-level monsters like zombies and skeletons (challenge rating 1/4). These are things that must be done, but can still be difficult to accomplish.

The total experience points awarded for defeating a zombie is 50 xp. As I said, though, you'll typically be playing D&D with at least 2 other people. Taking into account a 5-person party, that 50 xp is divided into 10 xp each.

Considering that the average time to actually start and finish one of these tasks is relatively low (15 to 30 minutes being the range), the trick that made the most sense to me was to take the total time in minutes it took to finish something and multiply it by 2 to get my total xp.

The original idea was to just multiply the minutes by 10, which would get me roughly around the average amount of xp in an encounter. For example, washing the dishes would be 150 xp. But if I'm trying to keep my numbers more in line with regular D&D sessions, that number would have to be split 5 ways to account for companions that I would surely need to overcome these encounters.

I mean, we all know how squishy wizards are. Let's be realistic.

So, the system became # of minutes a task takes to start and finish x 2. This also accounts for more arduous and draining tasks like studying or a workout session, which take longer, to have a proportional reward.

I'll be real right now: I haven't ironed out absolutely everything yet. I already have lots of ideas for other things I want to try. For example, I'm currently studying for specific certification that is in my field of work. Rather than just tallying up all experience points from studying sessions and taking the test, I also want to treat it like a side quest for a magic item - maybe a flying broomstick or an upgraded spellbook.

I also have thoughts about how rests should be treated, if I should think of those as self care activities. Maybe activities that I like that should be more moderated like playing video games can be seen as spell slots or once-per-long-rest abilities.

There's a lot of mechanics in 5e I could potentially incorporate other than just xp and new spells, but I feel like this is a good foundation for what I'm trying to do.

I also wanted to share this on Tumblr because I know there are others like me who may or may not find this interesting, and also 2023 is the year of the wizard as I understand it.

I want to be able to sketch my wizard and share her soon, but in the mean time I've already racked up some xp in the past couple days that I'm itchin to log.

[silktherambler]

And so it's not that I want to be what he needs but I would like to be what he wants but I am scared to be what he would want and or need all the time, I'm scared because I don't know what that comes with and so far it doesn't seem like I am well equipped to be able to be in a place to know or or help with a person's want or needs. And I know that sounds kind of stupid, it's just like, I don't even know. I don't even really know how to explain it it's just like I don't know if I don't if I know how to be in a partnership properly, or I don't know if I know what it means to be in a healthy partnership and how to contribute to that and I think that that is the part that scares me a bit more than the person not wanting me or not needing me. First of all I don't expect nobody to need me, and I low-key don't even want nobody to need me, but that still says something about me. Cuz I do want to be needed in the end and I would love to be wanted and I am wanted currently but I'm scared to be what a person wants as well. I'm scared because I feel like it comes with a lot of different requirements and I'm really not sure what that looks like because everybody is different. The last person to actually be my boyfriend boyfriend needed a lot more than I could handle or I could give to him and it led to me feeling ways about myself. Kind of like now LOL but yeah

I think for myself yeah that was a really important truth, the truth is I'm scared to be what a person wants because I don't know what that comes with and I don't know if I'm going to be enough to fulfill the requirements of what they would want. Most of the partnerships that I have been in and most of the relationships I've seen growing up were never healthy really so I don't really know what it means to be in something healthy and how to nurture that. I live in low functionality, and I have a hard time having ambitions for myself, so bringing that into a relationship seems kind of detrimental

I guess another thing I could mention for myself is like I tend to get into situationships and I still have myself figured out like at all and I think it's partially a distraction because I would rather just waste my time chasing something that I don't even know if I can completely manage to avoid the reality of the fact that I don't know even how to manage myself. So it is partially because the person I'm with is great, but it's also the flaws that were already there it's just that the person that you're with make you focus on the more. So like if I had a different partner or partners maybe a little bit similar to my past I'd be too focused on trying to fix minuscule problems instead of fixing the biggest problem which is myself.

And the things that I need to fix about myself is my sense of motivation, my sense of ambition, goals that I would like to reach, and getting back into having a bit more excitement about like life in general. To want for myself again.

I'm going to get into that in a different one but it's really hard for me to want from myself nowadays, because I just be tired of everything else that you have to do when you want to accomplish things 😂. I know that sounds foolish but like sometimes life just gets tiring and I think that's part of what I mean so sometimes I just tap out of all of the parts that I'm supposed to still you know have awareness in, like fixing myself and getting over my fears and trying things that make me uncomfortable. I've gotten out of the habit of trying things that make me uncomfortable, because I keep being uncomfortable and I would just like to finally be comfortable and then move but I grew so much because I was uncomfortable and I haven't been growing much because I am comfortable

So all these things were already problems, it's just that being with a nice person who at the end of the day no matter where he works, what he makes, what his house looks like, it's also first and foremost like about what his personality is like and if he treats me right and I can say for the most part that you know no this is not my person in terms of like my partner officially but I guess off the books off the record off the script, currently this person is my unofficial partner, and he cares a lot about my well-being as he normally has because we've been friends for a long time, but he also cares a lot about my feelings. He cares a lot about my comfortability, my insecurities, my nervousness and my anxiety and he tries to do his best to be there for me in whatever ways he can and at the end of the day it's just about showing up. I need to learn how to do that better because even that too, my fears of trying make it hard for me to know how to be there for people or to ask them maybe what they need in certain moments because I don't want to piss people off but I also can't like read minds and stuff like that so I have to ask

He tries to be very considerate to what my needs are, and he also tries to be fair which I really appreciate. So why do I feel inadequate?

I think that he's a handsome man who has a lot going for him and in the future is going to have so much more going for him because he really does have a good ambitious drive. I think right now he is still getting his wings dusted off. And he also has some growing that he needs to do himself and some trying in some places that he needs to do too, so we're both definitely unfinished products.

Sorry I did the random foot thingy because I remembered that sometimes when I leave his house before I leave his house he he uses Florida water and puts blessings on me before I go. That sometimes makes me the happiest

A lot of pretty girls think that he's cute but I also have to remember a lot of them don't know him like that and one he needs somebody that does know him like that but two he wants somebody that will be willing to understand him whether they know him like that or not and while I'm definitely good at that I think sometimes I can definitely be better I can definitely listen to him a little more sometimes and support him a little better sometimes but I try to support him a lot and I think if you were to ask him he would say I support him to a great degree LOL so yeah there's that too

I would say right now he definitely has his head on right but he still got some screws to set in and really run for the gold, I want to see certain things for him like certain things we've been working on like him brushing his teeth before he falls asleep at night, him working out or the fact that he even asked me to slightly start managing him music wise and see how that goes and even that too that's such a step in our direction for both of us cuz like it would help him and it would help me but it's also to help me just get back into my own loop of things and I see that he wants to help me with that. I worry a little only because Virgos love to help for their sense of validation but it's also truly out of love and I know that too

I get nervous because sometimes nowadays when I hear him talk about other girls or when I hear other girls have an interest in him I find myself starting to get a little jealous. Maybe that's because this person is actually nice because a lot of the people in the past I didn't feel like they was like all the way next people like they're nice if they like you I'm not talking about those kinds of people I'm talking about people who just naturally nice, and that is this person. Like he is just a genuinely thoughtful person. I noticed I start to get a little jealous and I'd be upset because I want his time to myself. Not all his time but good chunks of it. Sometimes we can't even get work done in the crib the way we need to because we must be so busy being all over each other and touching on each other like we're very touchy and I don't think we've ever been in a situation where we just freely just be this touchy like maybe it was like that for him when he was in his last relationship but I've never been like this touchy, I've been touchy but not this touchy

And we do certain things that I don't even know if I would trust with another person, like filming some of the stuff we do, and I can't lie some of the stuff that we do, oh it's wonderful, two freaks in a room is great 😭

Recently today I found myself thinking about the time we were getting a little busy and we were very passionately in it that day And at some point he called me baby

I never brought it up and we never addressed it but I was just like oh. Alright then 🥴

He just likes bothering me and I always get happy when he tells me when he's on his way home I like that too

So really I feel insecure because being around him, it's similar to what he said, sometimes when you're with a person that you know is like you can really connect with then you have good chemistry with, it can make you want to do better. And it does it makes me want to do better than where my circumstances are because I don't feel like my circumstances are good for what I have here or what I would want to have. And so the other side of that is that it makes you insecure a little bit about where they could go or who they might want to be with. So I'm just nervous that there would be a better option for him

And who knows maybe in the future, and I will be number five or number 10 or number three or something but for right now I have him with me and it's pretty fun

I hope we go on more food dates, and more exploration vibes

[yesimwriting]

To Be Alone

VAGUE SPOILER WARNING FOR SHADOW AND BONE BOOK SERIES-- I try hard not to mention why the Darkling/General Kirigan is the bad guy so that I don’t spoil anything,, but the reader finds out that he lies about his identity and that he’s super sketchy/not a good guy (again,, I avoided as many specifics as possible to keep it from being spoiler-y)

Warnings: lowkey manipulation, kissing/makeout, slight fingering

A/n y’all drove me to this lol,, pls be nice!! This is the closest to full on smut I’ve ever written!! Ahh I’m lowkey scared to post

Summary: the reader finds out something about the Darkling/General Kirigan, he finds a way to convince her to stay 

--

No amount of evidence will ever be enough to convince me fully. A part of me will always hold onto unjustifiable doubt because a part of me hopes that if I hold onto the lies tight enough they’ll turn into the truth. But that’s not how the world works. 

General Kirigan. Ravka put its faith in him. I put my faith in him. I did more than that. I pushed aside my reservations and doubt in order to try and comfort him when he spoke of loneliness. Was all that a lie as well? 

No. I can’t afford to think of the emotional side of it all, because if I do I may find myself incapable of moving from this spot. I don’t have time to reflect on it all, to try and unravel hopeful lies and manipulative truths. That can be done when I’m not here. If I stay here, he’ll know I know and he’ll stop me from...what? What am I supposed to do next? I could find someone with some level of power to warn. 

“There you are.” Kirigan. I’m turned towards the window, not facing him, but there is no weariness or malice in his voice. He has no reason to suspect my suspicion. “Are you unwell?” 

Calm. I need to pass as calm. Not turning, I force myself to ignore the endearing hint of concern in his voice. “No.” I can hear his measured footsteps. “Why would you think that?” 

“I haven’t seen you all day,” he’s directly behind me now. If I turn, I’ll practically be against his chest. “And you didn’t come see me last night.” 

Oh. I knew it was a mistake to begin to pull on such a small thread so close to when he expected to see me, but it kept gnawing on me. That doubt. That tiny thing I couldn’t ever let go off. “I fell asleep.” No--I cringe at my impulsive response. He knows how difficult it is for me to fall asleep. “Yesterday was just really...draining.” 

In an easy movement, he places his hand on my shoulder. It’s a silent request for me to turn. Exhaling, I obey. Why? I could lie to myself and say that I’m listening to him in order to kill his suspicions, but the effect he has on me is undeniable. Even before touching each other became a casual thing on his part, my body wanted to react to him. 

He’s quick to cup my face, tilting my chin up slightly so that I can’t avoid his gaze. “What troubles you, little dove?” A nickname for when he’s feeling particularly gentle. Thoughts of the evil he has to be twist my stomach as my face flushes. Kirigan’s thumb brushes over the corner of my bottom lip, stalling as I fight the urge to melt into the contact. I meet his tense gaze cautiously. “You said nothing could make you look at me differently.” No. There’s no way he figured out my change with one look alone. I’ll deny it. I’ll do what I need to do to be convincing, and then I’ll manage to escape. His grip on my shoulder tightens. “Don’t you dare lie to me again.” 

The urge to snap and point out the sick irony of him telling me not to lie at him almost forces me to break. His gaze starts to shift away from me--towards the half packed escape bag I’d been in the middle of constructing. I stretch my arms forward, desperate to keep his gaze on me and away from what I can’t explain. 

Kirigan’s free hand moves to pull my hand off of his cheek, but he pauses, eyes shutting in peaceful contentment. “What do you know?” 

I expected his words to be angry, to border on violent...but he just sounds tired. Please, Saints, let me be wrong. “Is there anything to know?” The only reaction I get is the slightest stall of his breathing. “You said you didn’t want to be alone anymo--” 

“I don’t.” The harshness of his words almost coax a small flinch from me. 

Swallowing back the knot in my stomach, I exhale slowly. “A part of not being alone is being honest.” 

His eyes finally open. I don’t dare move as he moves my hand off of his cheek so that he can brush his lips against my knuckles. I suppress an embarrassing shudder. “You wouldn’t have stayed--if you knew you wouldn’t ha--” 

No denial. I can’t--I can’t do this. “You know what the worst part is?” I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe it’s true. “I might have.” Those words break something in me as I force myself away from him. The lack of contact leaves me more frozen than ever. “I might have! I might have been able to bear all the monstrous things you’ve done if you had just--” 

“What?!” He meets my outburst with one of equal power. “You might have stayed regardless?” The way he scoffs leaves me feeling like a wandering child. “You might have still looked at me like I hung the stars in the sky instead of like I’m the darkness they fight against?” I stay silent as he steps forward, quick to hold my chin in place with his long fingers. “I couldn’t risk you on possibility.” Kirigan’s gaze is so intense, a part of me is surprised that shadows don’t come at me--drowning me in darkness and him. “And don’t think me foolish enough to believe that someone like you would understand that I have to do what I’m doing--” 

“Have to?” No--how did I almost let him lure me back in so easily. I pull myself away, approaching my open wardrobe. “That’s not past tense.” He’s still--he’s still actively hurting people. Why had I been so stupidly naive to think that maybe this was all history? “I--I can’t do this.” 

Each step towards the exit of the room chips away at a piece of my soul. “You’re not walking away from me,” his strong grip is on my arm in a sharp instinct, “I won’t--I can’t be alone again.” 

I swallow back the lump of emotion in my throat. “You already are.” 

His eyes are pleading, pools of frightened adoration. “No--no,” he steps towards me, not releasing his grip on my arm, “You’re hurt that I lied, but now I’ll never have to lie to you again.” I push against his grip. Kirigan doesn’t release me. “Y/n,” my name is a lament from his lips, “Please.” 

My eyes round out as my heart leaps into my chest. “I used to think that you were only touched by the darkness, but now I’m not sure you can tell where the darkness ends and you begin.” His grip just barely falters. Maybe it’s acceptance. 

I shift weakly, a softer attempt to escape. His grip tightens even more than before as he tugs me forward. The reminder of his physical strength leaves me frozen in shock. I can’t read his expression, but something about him has darkened. When I don’t pull away again, his thumb brushes up and down my forearm. The silkiness of his touch is warm temptation. I inhale slowly as he moves his other arm in order to touch my shoulder. The contact is almost shy. 

“Kirigan,” my voice betrays me, breaking as his fingers trace down my collar, “What--what are you doing?” 

He tilts his head, taking in the way his touch rids my body of fight. “Nothing, really.” His voice is low, supple in its assuredness. “You’re the only person who has ever seen me--and for you to leave me after that.” 

“No,” I try to step back, but my body freezes as he toys with the collar of my dress, “What I saw--what I found out--that wasn’t you.” 

“It’s who I have to make myself be,” he whispers, “I’m doing what needs to be done.” 

“That logic can earn you a lot,�� my words are careful, “But it cannot earn you me.” 

His hand brushes past my neck, finding the root of my hair. Kirigan pulls on it slightly, forcing me to expose my lower jaw and neck. I’m still as he leans forward, warm breath fanning across my skin. I fight against a shiver in vain as his lips brush down my skin, only stopping as he nips the base of my neck. I can’t help the small sound of surprise that escapes me. 

“Are you sure about that?” Blood rushes to my face, motivated by both embarrassment and something else. “Little dove, don’t ruin us.” His touch is warm, but his words leave me with an uncomfortable chill. In an attempt to escape the coldness, I half-press myself into the trail of soft and desperate kisses he’s leaving down my neck.

Kirigan pauses, exhaling slowly, and I feel some mental strength return to me. “There can’t be an us--not like this.” 

“Y/n.” He never uses my name. “You are the only light I know.” His words steal something from me as he pulls away enough to look me in the eyes. “I can’t handle the weight of solitude anymore--it’s worse than the dark.”

 I am unflinching, watching him with a markman’s care. Kirigan takes my silence as a positive. I don’t move as his gaze drops to my lips before he presses his own together. I don’t move as he destroys the distance between us like it’s some type of unbearable weight. His lips meet mine with enough force to bruise my face. The surprise of it gives him the chance to coax my lips into parting as his hands move to either side of my face. My body reacts without my permission, letting him deepen the kiss. Every time I find some kind of free will, Kirigan pushes it away with some kind of tactful lull of his tongue. Keeping his control, Kirigan ends the kiss by grazing sharp teeth against my bottom lip. 

I’m left panting. “You’re--you lied, Kirigan--I--” 

“You told me once you could never see me as a monster.”

“I said that to a version of you that technically doesn’t exist.” 

The grief in my chest and desire in my stomach twist in a nauseating way. Kirigan’s eyes watch me patiently, a pain similar to my own reflected in them. “Who I am when I’m with you is less fictitious than any identity I’ve ever given myself.”

The vulnerability in his voice is as alluring and distracting as the kiss. I find myself thinking of the warmth of his mouth against my skin. He had kissed me like the cure for ancient solitude could come from me. I think he had a point, because now that he’s not touching me in that way I feel the familiar tugs of cold emptiness. 

“I don’t understa--” My words are cut off by his lips brushing against mine. 

His touch is soft, but it’s far from shy as he draws out the kiss. It’s an attempt to keep me on edge, to keep me wanting him enough to push past my doubts. “Y/n,” there’s a reverent quality to his voice, “I--” Kirigan grabs the collar of my dress, pulling me to him sharply. His kiss conveys things that neither of us truly understand. “Don’t go.” 

I don’t want to. The realization is a cruel wave crashing against my chest. “You lie to everyone, you lie to me--you--you hurt and destroy and I--” One of his hands brushes against the hem of my dress. “What are you,” the words are supposed to be sharp, but my resolve melts as his hand presses firmly against my thigh, “Doing?” 

“You know me,” he draws out each word as his fingers graze towards the inside of my thighs. The cool metal of his rings are practically ice against my flushed skin. “Little dove, trust me.” 

My nails dig into my palms as I try to ignore what he’s doing. “I did and you betrayed me.” 

“I couldn’t lose you,” he whispers, thumb inching up my inner thigh.

I press my lips together, fighting against a natural reaction. “You did lose me.” 

Kirigan’s eyes darken as his grip on my thigh tightens. “We’ll move past this.” He’s both pleading and assured. “I think I know how to make it up to you.” He trails his hand up my thigh swiftly, stopping with his hand on my lower hip. Shamelessly, he toys with the hem of my underwear. “The only thing that’s really changed is that now I’m touching you like this.” 

The only thing I can do is gape at him. He’s a villain, his hands are coated in unnecessarily spilled blood, and I am helpless against his slightest touch. I should try pushing him away or at the very least resist his blatant advantages. His fingers brush down my underwear, stopping at a growing wet spot. The knowing look he gives me burns my core. I try to keep my expression hard in a final form of protest, but when he presses his pointer finger against me all the resolve in me is shattered. 

My eyebrows draw together as a small sound escapes me, “Kirigan.” I can’t tell if it’s praise or a warning. 

He pauses, hand retracting slightly at my whining. “Y/n,” his other hand cups my cheek. I lean into the contact without permission from my body. “There is only one name that I have not given myself and only one name I want to hear you breathe like that.” His thumb traces my lips softly. I don’t move as he leans forward, turning his lips towards my ear. 

“Aleksander.” His name is nothing more than a breath, a stolen heartbeat on his lips. 

He presses his fingers against where I’m the weakest again. My hips grind forward instinctually, desperate for more contact as he kisses the top of my jaw. 

“Aleksander.” The name escapes me in the form of a broken moan. Speaking it feels more intimate than the way he’s touching me. 

There’s the slightest pause in his consuming actions. “Again,” he breathes, “Say my name again.” His request is so soft it feels like he’s more at my mercy than I am at his. 

My eyes shut as his teeth graze my neck. “Aleksander.” At the sound of his name, his teeth brush against my skin harder than ever. 

When he starts to pull away, I reach out desperately, grabbing his kefta. “I thought you wanted to leave, little dove.” 

No. No. He is not going to get me to agree to stay by giving me something as intimate as his original name and by denying me his touch. “Please.” 

He reaches for my hand, pulling it off of him cruelly. “Do you want to stay with me?” 

I know which answer will get me what I really want, but I’m not sure which answer is true. Do I want to stay with him? Even after knowing what he’s done? “I don’t want to leave you.” The vulnerability of the statement cracks at my heart. He turns away from me in order to face the wall. I take a tentative step towards. “But I’m not sure what I want matters.” 

In one quick motion, he’s yanking more forward and pressing me into the wall. “Of course desire matters,” his body is pressed against mine almost entirely, “It means something.” He brushes his knuckles against my cheek. “It means you could choose me.” 

What could I say to that? I part my lips to speak but he silences me by pressing his lips against my jaw. I offer no protest as he starts touching me the way he did earlier. I’m more desperate now, more needy and okay with that. His fingers slip past my underwear testingly, hesitating before finally entering me slowly. 

“Aleksander,” my voice is so needy I’m not sure it’s my own. 

“I want you to say my name like that again,” he whispers, kissing down my collarbone as he begins to press his fingers in and out of me faster, “And I want you to say my name casually,” his pace doesn’t slow, even when I begin to let out indistinguishable whines, “And I want you to say my name while you’re falling asleep,” his touch becomes more aggressive as his words become more sincere, “And I want you to say my name every other way there is to say it.” 

The bundle of nerves in the pit of my stomach grows until there’s nothing else for me to hold onto. I finish with a sharp gasp. The feeling of euphoria is only intensified as Aleksander begins to kiss up my jaw before finally pressing our lips together. 

I break the kiss first, desperate to breathe. Have my legs been so shaky this entire time? Aleksander lets me recover, resting his head against my forehead. “I’m tired of being alone.” 

I imagine all the foul acts he’s committed and all the bad he wants to bring. I picture all the innocent blood he’s spilled. I see all of it--every horror and dark deed he’s ever committed. But I cannot see me leaving him. Maybe that makes me a monster, maybe that makes me an idiot...but I can’t do it. 

Slowly, I move to drape my arms over his back in a loose hug. “You’re not alone, Aleksander.” I’m not sure what that signifies, but I know it’s true. There has to be good in him. No one capable of such warmth can be pure evil. “I choose you.” 

[kindnessoverperfection]

Imagine someone struggling with a mental health symptom, like sensory processing disorder, for instance. Now, imagine someone comparing them to an abuser, because, "this abusive person definitely had sensory processing issues imo, because they'd blow up out of nowhere over the tiniest things."

That's what a lot of the stigma against npd feels like.

For one, I think a lot of people don't necessarily understand what a symptom actually is, like with the above example. For another, even if someone actually does have a symptom, it's a whole different issue if they choose to display it in an abusive way--and the same goes for any other symptom in any other disorder.

My grandiose sense of self doesn't mean that I'm going around yelling at retail workers or exploiting people to feed my ego or turning every minor conflict into an emotionally blackmailing pity party. It means I have incredibly high standards for myself that I don't hold anyone else to, and when I inevitably can't measure up to my perfect, flawless, godly self-image, I crash very hard and have to fight back intense urges to punish/hurt myself.

My arrogance doesn't mean that I'm criticizing, cutting down, and silencing others. It means that I feel like I'm the best at everything and am incredibly over-qualified and that I can do anything, which results in me struggling to actually do anything, because if I run into a road block my mind will go "this is boring and not worth my time right now, let's drop it" instead of acknowledging that I just haven't learned how to do it yet, and if I try to learn, my mind goes "no, you already inherently know this better than everyone, so their flawed teachings will only corrupt your natural talent". It means constantly changing goals and dropping hobbies and feeling directionless and passionless because I'm so high above everything that I can't reach anything, and if I try to reach, it inevitably means a long fall and hard crash.

My sensitivity to criticism doesn't mean I harm people who I felt slighted by, or that I refuse to acknowledge and improve on behaviors that may be harmful to others. It means I withdraw from people or groups easily, keeping everyone at arm's length and hiding any part of myself I view as a "flaw". It means I beat myself up over absolutely nothing, and that I deny any perceived weaknesses and let them fester and grow and disrupt my life because I can't bear to acknowledge they exist.

My low empathy doesn't mean that I ignore people if they say I'm doing something that's hurting them, or that I inflict pain on others for fun, or that I refuse to listen to and compromise with loved ones. It means that I grew up surrounded by emotional blackmail and severe second-hand trauma, and to survive, my brain numbed out that part of itself. It means I don't feel much when someone around me is extremely upset, and that I usually prefer that people don't vent to me because I mostly feel vaguely anxious in response, and my urge is to distract the person, not listen or sympathize.

My need for excessive admiration doesn't mean that I threaten or guilt people into giving it to me. It means that my motivation plummets without consistent praise, and that I'm driven to do whatever gets me positive attention, even if it's dangerous or self-destructive. It means I feel lost and hollow and depressed without positive reinforcement, and I struggle to find self-fulfillment in many of my passions.

I don't really know how to end this post, but... I do hope this can help some people understand misconceptions about narcissistic personality disorder.

Also here's a post I wrote about subjective and emotionally-charged wording in the DSM.

[londonhalcyon]

Right, screenshots and commentary. I promised screenshots and commentary. Since I played the Gathering of Old Friends and Hogsmeade Festival quests back to back, I’ll tackle them together: a little about the former, most about the latter. Screenshots first, comments throughout, critique at the end of the post.

A Gathering of Old Friends

Lily isn’t surprised anymore. No one should be surprised anymore.

This is heartbreaking, what the heck.

That’s it for the first one. Those are the only two moments that motivated me to capture them.

Hogsmeade Festival

This is the funniest thing she could have said. It’s probably intended to be a threat, but the ambiguous tone makes it so much better. Five bucks say the writers are also poking fun at themselves.

What is this duo? How do Jae Kim and Felix Rosier know each other? Why are they meeting in the most disreputable establishment in the village? What is going on? I have so many questions.

Penny. Ben, Penny, and Andre only tagged along for the drama, and I am here for it. They helped a bit, but mostly—drama.

Whoever wrote this quest has to have siblings.

Distracted by this wonderful line, I am just now noticing that Ben had to get an extra chair because the tables are intended for two. This means he let Penny and Andre have the cushy chairs while he took the wooden one. Background details on point, wow.

This. This is what makes the ending of this quest so good. Their relationship isn’t fixed, and it wouldn’t be. A single day isn’t going to fix years of bitterness. Everybody isn’t happy again, but there’s potential for progress. Family is complicated, and this quest handles the nuances of it shockingly well.

*cue evil laughter* Oh, Rosmerta, you have no idea what is going to happen in six years. None of you do.

Alrighty, critique. I’ll try to be brief. These are just my own opinions, so if you had different experiences with these quests, that’s cool! Don’t let me influence what you enjoy.

I didn’t enjoy the Gathering of Old Friends quest, primarily because it had so much potential and fell just short of it. The pacing was off: most of the quest was devoted to building suspense, but when the “big reveal” happened, all that tension fizzled out by having Penny run off too soon (straight into an 8-hour task). I would have liked to see them hold that moment longer, play into the shock of Scarlett’s return from the dead more, then have Penny run off. That reveal also happened too close to the end of the quest. The shock and anger Penny did show was good, but she accepted Scarlett’s return too quickly, likely because there wasn’t any time left in the quest. I would have preferred some of the earlier tasks be cut (looking at you, “review Petrificus Totalus”) in favor of devoting more time to handling the aftermath of that reveal.

Overall, the writers tried to do too much in too little time, making suspension of disbelief difficult. This was worsened by much of the dialogue sounding off to the point of characters bordering on OOC. So, yeah, not the worst quest (Torvus and the Troubled Forest sets a low bar), but not my favorite either.

The Hogsmeade Festival quest, on the other hand, had to have had a different set of writers. The pacing was significantly better. Far fewer tasks felt pointless—the typical “talk to Flitwick” task actually involved more than a simple spell, and the whole “calm the matagots” situation was relevant later on (major points for that one). Despite being 90% certain who the saboteur was (and 100% correct), I was fully engaged with the mystery in the beginning, especially because Ismelda’s lines were written well enough to have me second guess myself a few times. All the dialogue in this quest was so much better than the last one, and I genuinely laughed at many of the jokes. There were a lot more dialogue options too, which was fun.

And the ending. I already said it above, but I loved the open ending. The Murk sisters didn’t fully forgive each other, they didn’t fix their relationship, but they opened the door to progress that may or may not happen, which is the best, most realistic direction this quest could have gone. Out of all the recent quests, this one is definitely my favorite.

…I didn’t keep this brief. If you made it to the end of this post, thank you! You get a gold star for being such a lovely follower.

[b-lessings]

10 lessons I learned from the first 10 days of Ramadan 🌙

(personal, subjective, and in no particular order)

1) It's a constant work and it doesn't get easier. This is the first thing that came into my mind. As a matter of fact, the daily routine of this month is no joke, whichever deeds you try to perform and incorporate in your deen from the 5 obligatory prayers, to the sunnah, to the nawafil, to the azkar, to the Qur'an recitation, to the daily x number of istighfar you promised yourself you'd achieve, it is a lot of work, especially if you have a family to take care of, a job or school to go to, or more critically, if your mental health is not at its best condition. Every day (or night), you get out of bed and you're back at square one, you have all this list of tasks to do, and it gets a lot some times, and you do feel exhausted (but if you are among the lucky ones, then it is the good kind of exhausted), and it's not like your prayers are gonna perform themselves, you have to ger up, you have to act. That's why you need to constantly remind yourself why you are doing this in the first place. What is the point of fasting and waking up in the middle of the night to pray and spending hours throughout the day just remembering Allah swt and reading his book, etc. You have to remind yourself of the ultimate purpose of this month, that we are sacrificing the worldly pleasures for the sake of Allah swt, to gain Taqwa, to be in a state of constante awareness and consciousness of Allah's presence, to get closer to Allah swt the most gracious the most merciful, and that if we don't actually put on some work and effort, we won't get to where we want to go, we won't achieve any of that. It is good to keep things in perspective. Be aware of what you are doing, where you are now, where do you wanna go and what it takes to get you there. If it's constant work and effort, then be it.

2) You can't achieve anything by yourself, your intentions are not enough, you need Allah's support. In fact, for the first couple of days I was so confused, I had to ask my sisters " If the devils are all locked away, why do I feel like I can't focus? " And I was constantly asking myself, if I have already prepared, downloaded the calendars and planners, put up a big board on my bedroom wall, etc., Why do I feel like my Iman is getting low?, AstaghfiruAllah. Aren't we supposed to feel on cloud nine? In a state of pure bliss? And then I came across a khutbah where the Sheikh may Allah swt bless him answered my question. He explained that even though Shaytan is locked away, he has already programmed us, for 11 months (he even made a joke that Shaytan deserves a month off because he has been working too hard for the rest of the year). Anyways, what I realized is even your will and your plans and your excitement about Ramadan and your promises to do so and so deeds is not enough if you don't ask Allah swt for support, for sabr, for guidance, for help, for strength to be able to fulfill those ibadat and carry out the plans you have made for this month. You need to constantly ask Allah swt because who else is our refuge? Who else is our source of strength and patience ? Who else will keep us steadfast on the straight path? And who else is gonna help us against the traps of Shaytan? No matter how willing or excited or determined you are to perform your prayers, finish reading the Qur'an, etc, you still need Allah swt to bless your deeds, every step of the way. Without Him, nothing can be achieved. So in your sujood, ask Him that He give you enough strength to finish that prayer in full Khushoo' and concentration, and after that prayer, ask him for sabr and strength to manage to perform the next one and the one after. Tell Him that you seek refuge in Him from the traps of Shaytan, from laziness and lethargy, from the disoriented heart and the distracted mind. Show Him that you are vulnerable and that even though you are trying to do this for Him, you actually can't do it without Him. SubhanAllah.

3) Forgive yourself when you fall short.

{يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ}

{God intends for you ease and does not want hardship for you}

Allah swt literally said this in Surat Al Baqara (The Cow) when he prescribed Fasting upon us and introduced us to the holy month of Ramadan. Soz read it again. As simple as that, I am not gonna develop this idea further.

4) No matter how much you prepared before Ramadan came, you aren't prepared enough. Well, are you familiar with the saying that Ramadan is like a marathon and you have to prepare for it way before? That's actually true. And guess what? No matter how much you think you are prepared, there are still gonna be some moments when you'd still feel out of breath, where you wish you'd have prepared more. May Allah swt make us reach the end of this month smoothly and seamlessly. May Allah swt bless us and accept our deeds from beginning to end.

5) Our deeds don't get accepted because they're good enough, they get accepted because Allah is merciful. I heard this in a youtube khutba just last night and it resonated with me. Put this in your mind, learn it by heart, print it out on your forehead if necessary! No matter how perfect you think your deeds are, they won't get accepted because you're an amazing slave of Allah swt and you win at worship and ibadah. Don't get too confident, beware of arrogance, control your ego. Stay humble and know your place. The only reason why your deeds would be accepted is because Allah swt will have mercy on you, not because you are so good that your deeds would qualify you for forgiveness and acceptance. So pray that Allah swt accepts our deeds and pray that he encompasses us with His mercy.

6) Don't compare to others, don't get intimidated by others, we are not on the same journey. Walk your own rocky path. I can't stress this enough. I know a lot of brothers and sisters Mashaa'Allah, Allahuma barik, are overachievers, or they might just be out of our league. And sometimes, through social media, we see what they share (in their attempt to motivate us and share some tips and good deeds, spread the knowledge, May Allah swt bless them, accept their deeds and reward them), so we get intimidated. Sometimes it feels like what we are doing is not good enough because it doesn't even compare to what X or Y are doing. And we feel a bit scared that we are not good enough of slaves for Allah swt or that Allah swt wouldn't be pleased with us like He swt would be pleased with them, and we can even feel unworthy and get discouraged ( beware it's a shaytan trap). It is simple though, your path to Allah swt is very personal. What a brother or a sister does only get to inspire you not discourage you or intimidate you. When you see someone sharing something good or beneficial, make duaa for them and make duaa for yourself then leave it at that. Competition is taking over every aspect of our worldly life, we shouldn't let it mess with this sacred part as well. And remember, we are not all on the same journey to Allah swt. It is okay if you can't recite the Qur'an in such a beautiful way or if you can't pray 10 rakaas of Taraweeh, it is okay if you can't read in Arabic or if you don't learn any hadith by heart. Allah swt is patient enough and considerate enough. Scratch that, He swt is the most patient, the most considerate, the most gracious, the most generous, and He appreciates your effort. What matters for Him is your sincerity and the purity of your intentions.

7) The less food you take, the more energy you will have. FACTS. I mean, imagine the struggle of having to pray Ishaa and Taraweeh on a full stomach where every time you get down for sujood you feel like your soup is coming up :/ Allahu almusta'aan. This month is not about feasting. It is literally about giving up pleasures (food being one of them) to focus on Allah. So, Focus on what's important and set your priorities straight.

8) Don't overdue it. Beware of the ghost of Burnout. So yeah, like I already said earlier, it is a lot of work and it requires preparation and constant effort. The aim is to be at our best shape of health and Iman on the last 10 nights because they are the most sacred, the most important, the most blessed. You might wanna consider starting small with your deeds and building up slowly. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah is the most regular and constant even if it were little." [Al Bukhari]

9) Personalize your ibadat / plans. In other words, do what's best for you and what's beneficial for you. Define your weaknesses and the areas in which you want to improve. Don't just do this or that deed because everyone else is doing them. Do not follow blindly. What is good for you might not be the thing recommended or done by the others. And what you need on your faith journey is not what X or Y needs. You will be judged on your own deeds, your own journey. Have a purpose and a reason for what you are doing and why you are doing that. Also, the more you feel like your plan or your routine is personal, the more you can relate to it and connect with it, the more sincere you will be, the more excited and enthousiastic you will be, and the easier it will be for you to perform your ibadat in Shaa Allah.

10) Too much information can be poisonous. If ,like me, you got into a habit of watching lectures and videos of speakers this Ramadan, then breaking news: it might get confusing. I don't want you to feel lost and confused. Allahima barik the resources are countless and limitless. But also, you have to beware whom you listen to. There are different sects, different perspectives, different rulings on certain things. So, try not take things blindly. Take them with a pinch of salt and always try to do a background check. And eventually, when it gets too much, always choose what's best for your heart, because we are created with an innate sense of "right" , our fitrah is sane, Alhamdulillah. So, try to be critical. Allah swt even recommends that.

I hope this post can be beneficial. Tell me which part you related to the most, and if you have any extra tips, please share. May Allah swt accept our deeds and grant us forgiveness, amen. 🤍

[dwlrmoon]

Astrological Analysis: I.M "Duality"

An astrological analysis of I.M's solo album "Duality" & how his astrological placements manifest through the songs. Changkyun said that he poured his entire soul into this album, so I thought it'll be really cool to dissect the songs in the astrological lens because I'm in love with his artistry.

REMINDER

Observed & analyzed through western tropical astrology; we are missing information due to lack of confirmed birth time, so I can only deliver using the traditional 7 planets (mainly the personal chart) without a house system.

DUALITY

Having the album entitled "Duality" with songs expressing this topic (esp. the title track) reminds me of his Aquarius placements, mainly the Sun. I.M has his Sun in detriment, meaning that his Sun is "weak" or uncomfortable in that sign. As the sister sign of Leo, Aquarius symbolizes celebrities, fame, the star in tarot, as well as hopes & dreams. Aquarius can represent notoriety & infamy while simultaneously having the stereotype of the loner or outsider, not wanting to be perceived or "understood."

Using traditional rulership, Aquarius is ruled by Saturn who also rules Capricorn. If Capricorn rules authorities & conformities, Aquarius is the rebellious younger sibling refusing to conform & rather revolt, deviating from the norm. I.M placed his artistry in precedence; convincing SSE to use God Damn as the title track despite the profanity requiring him to release this album digitally in addition to him creating the tracks in his own style that may or may not be in line with k-pop or Monsta X.

GOD DAMN

In true I.M fashion the song & MV are very concupiscent, & since I already talked about the duality that is expressed through this song, let's talk about the MV specifically. Pisces rules escapism & addiction & his Pisces Venus was very on brand to go with alcohol as the imagery of getting high to hide from his frustrations. This piece is highly self-reflective & he encourages listeners to read between the lines, it's quite Saturnian in nature. I also love how the lyrics have that duality of hating & loving whoever/whatever that is ruining/comforting him—I really associate this with his Martian Moon (him assigning Misbehave as the song that represents him is so... Aries Moon).

HOWLIN'

No more taming 'bout my color I swing 'till I get, what’s the problem? Problem I ain't follow simply what I see I go follow what I need 'Cause I see that I'm loyal Imma go on my speed, even I'm slow

The 1st verse reminds me a lot of his Saturnian + Martian energy—no more wanting to be someone he's not, doing his own thing without care of what others may think. However, the last 2 lines really highlight the fixed modality of his Aquarius: I love that he says he's loyal even if he goes on his speed which can be slow; he doesn't care as long as he gets there.

I don't celebrate 'till I make it till the end Ain't time for the 'hol up' You want me be a shade but I'm made for a big wave Ain't time for the 'hol up'

This song has a lot of Saturnian themes esp. the chorus. It reminds us that Saturn rules time—he doesn't succumb to the challenges & distractions or "hold ups," rather focusing on his goal & only celebrating once he reaches the mountaintop. Saturn is karmic, it takes its sweet time to give you your rewards that you must work laboriously for. He knows he's made for something bigger (Aquarius), & with his perseverance (fixed), determination & passion (Aquarius Mars + Aries Moon), he will be rewarded despite all the struggles (Saturn).

Don't call me, I'm drivin' I just wanna keep on ballin’ Even though when you are hatin’ Woah Grab me when I'm fallin’ 'Cause I make myself so lonely You know that I'm howlin'

However, Saturn can be extremely isolating & Aquarius is akin to the underdog. Of course we don't know where his placements are, but his Pisces Venus contributes to that isolation. He feels lonely & he knows that, but he inevitable makes himself lonely which Aquarius natives can do when they develop that mentality of me v.s. the world sometimes. Keep in mind that Aquarius rules community yet the outsider, showcasing that wanting to be alone while wanting someone to be there for him. Saturn is burden & he's a lone wolf used to being alone carrying all that burden himself.

BURN

The night has become cold and now it's a meaningless fight I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Endless shot, let me head to the top I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Burn the accumulated emotions, burn Burn everything without leaving anything, burn

An Aries Moon anthem? I find that Aries placements love having fire/burning imagery if not in their songs then in their MVs. Aries is Martian, cardinal & fire by nature, which means that Aries Moons may get irritated fairly quickly—a quick temper? But they get over it super quickly, kind of like blowing off steam & then letting it go right after. The Moon rules our emotions, & I think the lyrics speak for itself here. The allusion to the fight is very Martian as well.

I'm mixed and complex, yeah I don't know myself well, eh Yesterday I couldn't empty it out, yeah I'd rather burn it, yeah The tears that fell are oil Make the flame burn higher Pour it out, no more regrets Burn it all up and high, yeah

I really enjoy I.M's introspective & intrapersonal nature; he always says he doesn't know himself well & accepts that rather than fighting it. He accepts all facets of himself, & that's very refreshing. The 2nd verse made me chuckle a little bit because the first 2 lines look Aquarius while the rest is Aries. Not to mention he has an Aquarius Mars conjunct Sun, so, more Martian energy there. Cardinal + Martian give me that attitude he portrays very well in this song—throw some more oil, let it burn more so that there'll be no regrets. Another Aries placement who wrote something like this? Yoongi.

HAPPY TO DIE

I could die right now, yeah I can never lie, yeah You bring me to sky Let me be yours till I die When you say goodbye, yeah Bury me on your heart, yeah Don't you say that word Could you keep it till I die? You brought me back to the real love I wanna get lost here forever

There is so much to unpack in this little song... The chorus is a mixture of Saturnian commitment & Aries headstrong, passionate reckless energy motivated by his romanticist Pisces Venus. The title itself, the whole concept of this song, is fundamentally Pisces (his DSC would be really cool to talk about here, if we had the birth time, but we don't, so).

We're childish like we were when we used to play back then I let go of rationality as if I'm drawn by the wind I don't know what this feeling is Even if I try to pretend I don't know, everything seems to be obvious, yeah I don't know, I like it the way it is I don't know me well, I don't know I guess it's not a lie that I really like you I'm happy to die right now

Verse 1 truly has my heart in a grip. He has a rational & intellectually-minded Saturnian Mercury & Sun, yet once he's in love he gets enamoured & childish, rendered completely irrational. It's giving me Aries meets Pisces—of the moment, idealistic, just overwhelming emotions taking control of his Saturnian mind, which I find funny because he has Moon square Mercury.

Things of mine might go away and shape Will just change, but don't you change When I'm low, could you make me not alone? I could die right now if we were just this crazy about each other

Pisces is sentimental & can represent past lives, that feeling of being stuck in the past? Pisces Venus is visionary & idealistic, they're more in love with the idea of love than love itself sometimes. Here we see that theme of isolation again, his Aquarius could play a role here, but his Pisces placements are also desperate to be loved. The last line, like said before, is utterly Pisces because Romeo & Juliet is known to be a Pisces type of relationship, plus with that Aries Moon... it just makes sense since Aries Moons love the rush & passion.

시든 꽃 FLOWER-ED

Somehow I have no strength to resist I stay right where I am It's not like I'm longing for someone But I'm standing there

Personally loving how his songs gradually grow more & more Piscean? The overwhelming emotion of yearning with no one to long for is so Pisces/Jupiterian Venus in general. Like I said, they're idealistic & in love with the idea of love more than anything—not the happy kind of love either. I notice that Jupiterian Venuses play with the theme of wanting a lot, mainly because they are ruled by the planet of expansion. Distance is a huge theme in Jupiterian signs, & they idealize that.

When you step on me like it's nothing I desperately want you to come back and hug mе I deeply remember your smilе that laughed at me While I was being illuminated by you

Because Pisces placements love the idea of love & the feeling of longing for someone they can get into the habit of sacrificing themselves, hence their association with the hanged man in tarot. They are too focused on the fantasy of love to take off their rose tinted glasses.

I don't really blame you I know your days by my side Have faded away Please don't disappear, oh

The hand that held me, the eyes that captured me are all blind The scattered hands, the shining eyes are gone

I don't know what else to say here, like, I think you guys understand how these verses really depicts his Pisces Venus very well... With a Venus conjunct Saturn it can really emphasize isolation & rejection as well—this aspect feels like they are deprived of love, so they crave it desperately even if it hurts them which is a theme of Pisces. Him titling this track "withered flower" in Korean is so Pisces Venus of him overall.

[chim-chimchii]

Encaptured (Jungkook)

Genre: Fluff 

Note: A little fuckboy Jungkook for you all! I’m currently working on a social media au and I might just post the profiles so I can give you guys a sneak peek and to also motivate myself to work on it more! Let me know what you guys think! I also didn’t know how to end this so I apologize if it’s a crappy ending. 

. . . . . . . 

On Thursdays, the literary class met in the college library, and that was when Jungkook always had you look over his essays. Not only did he use that time to get his papers edited, but he also took this time to prod you about your weekend plans.

"So, are you going to accept my offer to take you to the movies this weekend?" Jungkook asked, resting his chin on his palm.

You glanced up from his essay. "Hm, not this week. I think I'm all booked." With a smirk directed towards him, you continued marking his paper.

"You said that last week." He mumbled with a playful pout.

"And last week, when I rejected you, you ended up taking that girl from your math class." You stated with a challenging stare.

Tongue in cheek, Jungkook chuckled, "Well, I couldn't let those tickets go to waste! I thought for sure you would have agreed." He continued trying to justify his playboy ways.

You scoffed and slid his paper over to him; red pen marks were scattered all over it. You thought that the edits you made to his essay would distract him from the current topic, but he pushed the assignment to the side.

"Y/n, when will you let me take you on a date?" Jungkook leaned in ever so slightly and smiled sweetly.

Your heart rate increased. His whole appearance changed with that one smile, and it was hard for you to hide the fact that it made you feel some way. Maybe it was time to give him a chance, and if it didn't work out, then he would finally stop bugging you.

"Okay." You finally answered after thinking it through. That one word took Jungkook by surprise.

"Okay? Are you saying, yes?"

Without making eye contact, you nodded and closed your notebook with a gentle smile.

"I'll pick you up at seven." Jungkook bit his lip to hide his smile and watched you leave the library.

. . . . 

The sun was setting, and seven o clock was right around the corner. You gave yourself one last look in the mirror that hung by the door and nodded in approval of your outfit. You tried to remember the last time you got all dressed up for a date, and as you tried to place a moment, there was a knock at the door. 

As you reached for the door, you hesitated. What if this was a one-time thing? What if he never spoke to you after tonight? Just because you turned his offers for a date down multiple times, it wasn't as if you didn't like Jungkook. You appreciated his presence in your boring literary class; you appreciated his jokes and stories. What if all he wanted was to add you to the list of girls he won over with his charms? 

Your thoughts were interrupted again by a knock, but this time it was a lot softer. You took a deep breath and twisted the doorknob. Whatever his intentions were, you decided to accept this date, so you had to deal with the consequences. 

Jungkook stood in the doorway with his hands buried in his pockets. His head was hung low as if he was half expecting you not to answer, but when you opened the door wider, he looked up. 

You forgot to breathe upon seeing him. Instead of the cliche leather jacket he always wore, he wore a grey flannel over a white shirt. It wasn't THAT different from what he always wore but seeing him wear light-colored clothing suits him well. His demeanor was different, as well. A timid smile replaced the cocky smirk he always had on his face. 

"Are you ready?" His voice came out lighter than usual; it took you a moment to remember this was Jungkook and not someone else. 

"Yeah, let me just grab my bad." You left him by the door as you dashed back to your room to grab your purse. 

. . . . 

It was the little things that Jungkook did that made you weak in the knees. As the two of you walked to the theater, Jungkook rested his hand on the small of your back. He maneuvered you to the other side of him; it wasn't until his warmth left that you realized he was making sure you were closest to the buildings and away from the busy street.

Your eyes fixated on him, and it felt like the world was in slow motion, and you saw Junkook in a new light. You wanted nothing more, but to have this moment last forever. Forever didn't come because he glanced at you with that beautiful smile of his.

"Would you be upset if I told you I don't want to go to the movies anymore?"

The world resumed at its original speed, and your excitement disappeared.

"Oh? Did you want to take a rain check or something?" You tried not to sound too disappointed.

"No, no. I just don't think I can handle sitting next to you for two and a half hours and not talk to you."

You sighed in relief, which made Jungkook chuckle.

"I don't know what you've been told or what you heard about me, but I'm not cruel.

You raised your eyebrow at him and smirked. "I don't know, I've heard some pretty interesting things about you, Jungkook."

You gave him one last teasing look before walking ahead of him. Jungkook tsked before jogging to catch up to you.

"So, are you going to tell me what you heard so I can prove those accusations wrong?"

Together you waded through the crowded street, careful not to lost one another. If he took your hand, would you pull away or let him have that small victory?

"You haven't said what we're going to do now that we're not going to the movies."

His hand grazed yours. "You're changing the topic."

Seconds later, his hand rested on your shoulder to guide you towards the entrance of an arcade. It was full of other couples, groups of friends, and people wanting to have fun. The atmosphere brought a smile to your face. You didn't even realize Jungkook had left until he returned with a bag full of tokens.

"I'll let you choose the first game."

Dramatically, you rested your hand on your heart. "What a gentleman."

Jungkook threw his head back in defeat. "Whoever told you that I wasn't a gentleman needs to stop feeding you lies."

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you don't really have the best reputation." You explained as you made your way over to the basketball game.

You glanced back at him to make sure he was following and found him chewing on his lip. Your statement bothered him. The two of you exchanged no other words until he was standing next to you.

"Is that why you always rejected me?" His eyes locked with yours, and you didn't dare look away.

Rather than lying, you nodded. "Yeah."

Jungkook was the one to break eye contact; it was clear he was upset. He fished for a token and inserted it into the machine to start the game.

As you watched him, you inhaled deeply and thought about everything. You didn't want to be the reason the date ended in ruins. You were honest about why you declined his offers, but now that you were here with him, you kept thinking how different things could have been if you had just agreed to date him the first time he asked.

Without thinking further, when Jungkook reached for another ball, you took it from him and aimed for the moving hoop.

"You can't blame me for being scared."

Jungkook opened his mouth to say something but stopped as he watched you throw the ball straight into the hoop. Another ball rolled towards you, but Jungkook grabbed it before you could.

"I wasn't blaming you. I was blaming myself." He missed the hoop and ticked his head to the side, slightly annoyed that he didn't score, but as the game ended, he had one of the highest scores.

Together you moved in the direction of another game.

"Why are you blaming yourself?"

He didn't say anything, and you were afraid he didn't hear you due to the increasing volume of everyone around you.

"Because I got careless with relationships and dating, and now that I want something serious, my reputation is ruining my chances.

The corners of your mouth twitched into a tiny smile. "It's your turn to pick a game."

You weren't ignoring what he had said; you just wanted to think about it for a moment longer.

The two of you wandered around the arcade and tried not to lose each other with the growing amount of people entering the building. Jungkook stopped in front of a photo booth and let out a small laugh.

"It isn't a game, but it seems like this is the only thing unoccupied." 

"I think it'll be fun!" You linked his arm with yours and entered the small booth. 

Jungkook sat silently next to you as you messed around with the photo settings. As you sat back, your shoulder brushed against his, and it made it obvious how close the two of you were. You couldn't help but think back to his previous comment about wanting to be in a serious relationship.  Did he mean that he wanted to try and be in a serious relationship with you? You'd be lying if you said you didn't have feelings for him. The truth was, you had liked him all along, but you let the rumors about him cloud your judgment of his character. 

The beeping of the timer caused you to snap out of your thoughts. 

"Are you ready?" You glanced over at Jungkook, and to your surprise, he was already staring at you. The flash went off, signaling that the first picture was taken. Then the timer reset. 

"Your chances aren't completely ruined, by the way." 

The two of you looked away and to the camera, where you opted for a funny face. The camera went off. 

"What do you mean?" Jungkook turned to you again. 

"If you were this version of yourself all the time, you wouldn't have any trouble getting into a serious relationship, and any girl would be happy to be with you."  

You stuck your tongue out at him as the camera snapped another picture. 

"I don't want just any girl though--" He faced forward and held up a peace sign. "--I want you." 

Your expression changed in an instant, and it was captured as the shutter sounded. "Jungkook." 

He hesitated but looked your way as the last seconds of the timer counted down. You took his face into your hands and pressed your lips to his. The moment captured forever as the final flash of the camera washed over the two of you. 

[thefanficmonster]

Begone

Streamer Gang & Asexual Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Acephobia, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently come out as asexual, Y/N faces some less than pleasant or appropriate responses in their chat during their stream with the gang. Luckily, they’re not alone in battling the haters this time.

Requested by the lovely Anon who told acephobes to begone, yeah you know who you are hehe. Thank you so much for the request darling! Let’s show these acehobes who they’re messing with! Love, Vy ❤

Boy is this nerve-wrecking or what? Sure, I maybe woke up with a ton of confidence, I listened to motivational and uplifting talks and listened to mood boosting music. I had a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Damn it, I went on a run, all in an attempt to convince myself that dealing with the online world again is but a piece of cake for a badass like me. Well, low and behold, that feeling didn’t last very long. Here I am, chewing my nails off at the though of hopping in the Discord call and Among Us lobby with my friends and starting my stream. It’s not like I’m not expecting my friends and fans to support me - of course I am! I know they’re gonna give me a ton of love and appreciation and support and uplift me no matter what. But then again, there’s still those people who believe me and other people like me to be invalid and broken and whatnot.

Those are the ones I wanna avoid. 

It’s not like their words mean much to me but I simply don’t wanna see em, you know? It’s not only about me - it’s least about me actually - it’s more about all those wonderful people they are insulting when they say shit like that about asexuals and all the people on the ace spectrum. I can’t help but flare up and get angry on the behalf of all my ace friends and even people I’ve never met.

It’s also my first time being directly thrown into the fire instead of getting caught in the crossfire seeing as how I came out to my fandom via a tweet and an Instagram post a week ago, telling my identity’s truth: finally bringing my asexuality to the surface to shine its brightest so I can be be my best and reach for my full potential.

But damn am I afraid to see how everyone took it. 

My friends were quick to jump in and take me offline before I start refreshing my own posts to see the comments under them. Lord knows that without them I would’ve driven myself insane, I’ll forever be grateful for what they did and the lengths they went to to keep me offline and whatnot. One word to give you an idea of how invested they were in this: origami. All of us might as well have been born with two left hands and yet we still tried doing origami. Freaking origami.

Damn do I love my friends.

But now I don’t have sheets of paper and my friends to distract me. I have a fanbase to entertain and another friend group I haven’t talked to in a while. I don’t wanna get any predictions in already so I don’t jinx myself, so I’m just gonna say it’s gonna be...interesting regardless of what happens.

Then again, when is it not interesting when the streamer gang’s involved.

Deep breaths, Y/N. You got this

Listening to that encouraging little voice inside my head, I finally equip my headphones and in one fluid motion turn my camera on, officially starting my stream and unmuting my mic as I hop in the call with everyone.

“Hi guys! Guess who’s returned!“ I exclaim cheerfully, desperate to hide the nervousness of my voice.

“You really missed your opportunity to say ‘guess who’s back...back again’ didn’t you?“ Charlie is the one who greets me first, sounding rather disappointed in me in his usual jokester manner. It’s nice to hear, it makes me feel like nothing’s changed in the week I’ve been gone. Like I’m still the same person to these people. I really am the same, I just now am a lot better version of myself. Almost as though I’ve reached my final form. It feels empowering really. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Charlie laughs again, “Congrats, by the way. You keep proving you can get cooler and cooler.“

“Careful there Charlie, I can only handle so large of an ego.“ I joke back, rolling my eyes playfully as a wide grin spreads across my face, “No, but seriously, thank you so much, man. It means the world to me that you support me.“

“Um, how could we NOT?“ That’s very clearly Rae, “Hun, you are so brave and amazing and wonderful, how could we ever NOT support you?“

“Yeah, we’ll always support you no matter what, Y/N. We’ll always be your friends, through thick, thin and beyond.“ Poki too interferes, her words only making my smile wider.

“Alright, alright, y’all are gonna make me cry and I haven’t even read my chat yet, hold on.“ I say, fanning my face to dry the tears I hope the webcam isn’t spotting, “Darn, you guys are the best. Sorry, give me a sec to gather my composure, I’ll be right back.“

I quickly mute my in-game mic as I turn to my chat where I see the same amount of love and support in the form of comments and emojis flooding in from my viewers. A warm feeling spreads throughout my chest, making me feel the most comfortable with myself I’ve ever felt. The most loved I’ve ever felt. The most seen and understood. To finally be you feels like you are finally really living in this world, not like you’ve been already living in it for God knows how long. It makes me so freaking happy and fulfilled to finally be living as me, as the real me.

Unfortunately, in life, nothing can be 100% pure and good. There’s always at least 1% there threatening to ruin all your happiness you worked so hard to build or obtain. It may be one in a hundred, but fuck it’s powerful and effective.

And in my case it comes in the form of two comments that stick out to my eyes. Acephobic comments saying my identity’s fake, claiming I’m faking it, saying us acephobes are immature creatures who refuse to grow up, or attention whores. Or just saying we’re delusional and in denial, confused about who we are.

I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my jaw and fists but when I do, I slowly relax my muscles and crack my knuckles before addressing the two people who spat out that nonsense.

“Ok, listen here, shooterpro69 and yourmom_lol. For starters, I want to apologize for your ignorance and lack of education on the matter of asexuality. In fact, for you especially, I plan on making an educational video, explaining asexuality to people who need or want to learn more. You, my friends, are in desperate need to be fed some knowledge cause damn, God knows how many people secretly think you’re hella stupid. Not that they’re wrong to think so but anyway. Unless you have anything nice or positive to say, begone from my chat. Actually, when I think about it, begone from every chat. No one needs you polluting their communities with acephobia and hate.“ I say, all spoken in a calm tone despite the boiling anger within me. People who know me well would probably be able to tell I’m fuming underneath the calm façade, but at least I got my message across loud and clear.

“WOO HOO, You tell em Y/N!“ Toast cheers, clapping his hands and whistling as more cheering arises from each my friends, leaving me in a state of mild shock and confusion.

Wait, what?!

“Um, wait, you guys heard that?“ I ask, my eyes darting to thein-game mic symbol that shows an not crossed-off mic, meaning it was enabled during the entirety of my speech.

“Hell yeah we did! You slayed them, Y/N! Damn goddamn!“ Rae whistles too, her enthusiasm wafting over me like a breath of fresh air.

“I second that!“ Corpse joins in, “And remember what we said - we’ll support you through anything. Need to bury an acephobe’s body, we’re the people you should call.” He says, confident as heck.

And I just can’t hold it in anymore - I burst out laughing, doubling over from the intensity.

If I thought I was happy and fulfilled before, this has to be the closest to paradise I’m gonna get on Earth.  All thanks to these wonderful people. Friends are really something else aren’t they: they come into your life - often unexpectedly - and change it completely. Suddenly you’re not alone, you’re not forced to deal with everything and face everything on your own. Someone’s got your back and you’ve got theirs.

Through thick, thin and beyond.

And it’s so fucking amazing.

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[leahseclipse]

Daily surprises

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Fluff

Warnings: None that I can think of.

Summary: Everyday, Spencer finds a new book in his bag, as he begins to look forward to it when the event has been occurring for a while.

Requested by @writing-in-april​

A/N: I really liked writing this request!!! it really was cute asF!! Thanks for proposing that April, the fic u wrote for me last time was amazing (as ALWAYS), so I hope that you’ll like this one.

And uhh sorry about the books parts, I don’t know any of the books- I literally googled the summaries-

Word count: 3.8k

Books have always been a passion of mine; I have always been fascinated by how words can make the reader feel, how each reader can have a different opinion about them, different feelings, every reader is different when it comes to the fact of the opinion they have about the work.

They had always been a sort of shelter to me. I usually had the habit (and still have it) to comfort myself in them, they’d be able to express feelings like no one could, allow me to learn about various things, subject, build an opinion on a subject I had never thought of having an opinion, debate or even mention before.

I had been collecting more and more of them through the years, to the point of having an apartment that could be mistaken as a sort of tiny library. 

My books are literally everywhere, in my shelves, on my couch, on the low table, under and on chairs, even at my desk, and in my bag.

I always carry around one or two in my bag (of course, if they both don’t contain a lot of pages to the point of weighing a ton when combined together), in case I happen to have free time (which happened to become rare when I had begun working at the FBI), and have nothing else to do but read. 

It also happened to be a passion I've been sharing with another person, more known as y/n.

She had first mentioned that she didn't happen to read a lot, but eventually appreciated reading, which I was more than happy to hear, considering all the books I knew and how much it meant to me.

Clearly, she didn't expect me to know a whole library in my brain when she happened to ask if I could recommend a few; but she always liked to hear me rambling about them. 

She had eventually begun taking a liking to reading again; often asking me about books I've read, talking about her opinion on the book she had read, which would often be followed by an endless rambling from me, being much longer than what she had previously explained, or even expected when I had begun sharing my opinion as well.

It was nice to have someone else to talk about books with, without feeling I could possibly be disturbing them. 

Most of my colleagues would either stay there until I'd be done, they knew how much I appreciated talking about these to them; even if the majority of the team wasn't much interested, they were just being polite and respectful by staying.

Now that I talk about it, I probably should have apologized for all of the times I had rambled for a large amount of time when talking about the four books I've read in a day.

They're pretty much the main subjects I talk the most about, if, of course, I exclude Star Trek, Doctor Who, and the many subjects I throw facts about all day long from the long list that includes all of the things I'm interested in;

...which would take quite a while to detail its entirety, since I probably would take the time to explain each of them as detailed as possible, without letting any word behind, as my brain would constantly send me as much information as it contains...which again, means, a lot.

But, even if my passion about them is often difficult to keep for myself without having the need to ramble an essay worth long about them, I try not to begin to talk about it, or mention it, except if someone else does. 

That became rare…as I often end up talking more than intended each time.

Reading can sometimes lead me to fall asleep quite later than I planned before even taking the book itself. 

Having the ability to read fast has often led to many nights with little sleep, considering how many books I can read in a short amount of time.

The aftermath of it isn't pleasant, as it results in more fatigue on top of the one I already have because of how late I'd stay up when working at the bureau.

The feeling I had this morning when I had woken up happened to be one of the side effects of a long and endless reading session I had done the previous night.

Little did I find out after thinking about it for a bit that I'd probably be regretting it at the end of the day, if not earlier.

Even if my body was telling me to stay in my bed considering how tired I was, work couldn't allow me to do it, unfortunately.

It only took a quarter of an hour in order for me to get ready, as I already had been crossing the door to leave my apartment without having the time to think about doing it.

The rest of the morning wasn't as busy as it usually would be; only paperwork for the previous days, nothing too complicated. 

But because of the short night I had, the coffee trips have been quite numerous after a while. 

A short conversation had occurred later in the day between y/n and me when she had gone to peek over my desk, curious to why I had been going in and out of consciousness; and leaving a lot to take refills. 

I didn't mind her asking at all, on the contrary, I had been waiting for an opportunity to talk with her; but as I didn't want to disturb her, I just kept glancing discreetly at her from time to time, hoping something to talk about would awaken a future conversation.

After a while, I noticed that she had left the room, just as I had the thought of something situated in my bag.

I had soon taken it in search of what I've been looking for, as I suddenly happened to be quite surprised as I found a book that I didn't remember putting the night before, any other day, or even this morning before leaving my apartment for work at all.

‘The Collector, John Fowles’

It was a surprisingly good choice, and the person who had put it there either had good taste or personally knew my preferences; or even both. 

Who knows. 

Even I would be explaining it to myself, and not to anyone; I’d prefer not to engage myself in that; as it could last up to an hour considering the length, and all that is to explain in order to understand the moral, and the motives of whatever is in the character’s mind in the book; so...a lot. 

“Withdrawn, uneducated and unloved, Frederick collects butterflies and takes photographs. He is obsessed with a beautiful stranger, the art student Miranda. When he wins the pools, he buys a remote Sussex house and calmly abducts Miranda, believing she will grow to love him in time. Alone and desperate, Miranda must struggle to overcome her own prejudices and contempt if she is to understand her captor, and so gain her freedom.” 

The resume of the book had simply begun automatically playing itself before I could even lay my eyes on the back cover; as I had read this book more times than my two hands could ever count, and you know; because of the eidetic memory thing, even if I had read it only once, I would have remembered it anyway.

I remember reading it for the umpteenth time around last week, precisely on a saturday, at 11PM. As long as I can remember, I apparently had nothing else to do but read, and absolutely not any other book to pull out of the shelf, except that one.

Even if I had strictly- no idea -of who could have truly placed it there, except y/n-, I still had appreciated having this work as a possible distraction, or a way to pass the time if I eventually happened to have no idea of what I could do next, in case I didn’t have any work left to do. 

As I raised my eyes to the desk in front of me, I happened to meet with y/n’s eyes just when she had  happened to stare at me as well. 

“What’s that book genius?”

“Oh, that? It’s the collector, from John Fowles. I like this one, but- is that you who put it there?”

“Yeah...why?”

“I uh- no particular reason! I just uh...wonder why it’s there…?”

“Well, read it, and you’ll see.” She said, as she stood to go god knows where.

“Read it? But I’ve already read-” I hurried out, but she had already gone out of the room, shooting me a smile before disappearing in the corner of the door. I stood there for a good minute, as I decided to open the book and read a bit of it as she previously told me to before leaving without even giving me an answer. She always liked to be mysterious, that’s kinda the reason I fell in love with her for. 

It really took a while so I would get a number.

She had slid it in one of my file just when she had left the building to go home, I swore I didn’t even have any breath when I had attempted at catching her before she has gone to her car, and if I hadn’t decided to go, one minute later, she would have been on the road, and I doubt that calling people on the road would have been safe and clever for me to do it.

It might have been a bit “mean” to do that as some would say, but we always had the habit of doing that, way before we started dating. We’d always let the other try to guess what the other meant, what he wanted to say, it all was a game, a sequel to the story that would occur later, all of these discussions, secrets, have been a preparation, and kept for what happened right now. 

It all was thanks to her, because if she wouldn’t have given it, I doubt that I would have gathered the courage too soon. Probably in 10 years or so, if not.

As I still was in my lecture, a bright blue paper with an inscription written in black ink had brought my attention, which led me to read it. 

“I know you’re surprised, yes, it’s in a book, and yes I could have told it to you in person, but I find it better in a note, you can keep it and carry wherever you want. It's also better as a note, and, in a book, because you had always liked books, which became the passion that has made us grow closer. This book was the first one that started a conversation between us, I don’t remember the day, but you probably do. This note might be confusing, but I wanted to do that, because at least, you have a reason to finish the book, because you might have another surprise soon. -yours truly, y/n”

The note had even ended with a heart; she’d always write one at the end of her texts, even a small word sometimes, it probably was an habit of hers, I don’t really know, we never mentioned it once, as I didn’t mind at all, I really liked the attention. 

Well, I pretty much like everything she does, whether she’s talking to me, talking to someone else, or doing whatever thing. I always like to see her around; I tend to get more relaxed when she’s with me; she always talks with me, and tries to know about what I do, even if I often noticed she probably didn’t understand a single word of whatever I rambled about. 

Among all of the subject she was at ease with, books happened to be one of them, she’d always participate actively, as most of the subjects included in the books would often inspirate her, push her to talk more than she usually would with other subject, or even in general, I’d help her find her words, participate in the conversation by argumenting, agreeing with her opinion, sharing my opinion so that we could compare them and argument once more about the differences, I’d also initiate the conversation by switching to another book when we’d have nothing else to talk about the book, or if one of the details in the book would make me think of another one.

Our discussions would often last hours, we wouldn’t even realize the amount of hours we’ve spent talking until one of us would think to look at the time.

Even if I liked every single moment we’d spend together, if I had to choose one (a temporary, as I always change my mind on which moment I prefer as I again like every single one), It’d be our numerous discussions about books, I had and would never grow tired of it.

As much as I like to hear her talking, I often let myself get distracted by her, to the point of having to be “woken up” from my thoughts by her when I happened to not pay attention. 

Because in these moments, all that matters is that I get to hear her voice, her smile as she passionately talks about what she likes, she way she always talks while moving her hands around, when she looks at me while I talk, when she touches my hand with the tip of her fingers to take the book situated in my hands.

She made me get more and more excited about the moments when I’d reach for a book in my bag, or somewhere in the drawer of my desk.

Especially when she had begun picking my interest by telling me she might propose another book the next day...or so? 

I don’t think I’ve been more excited about reading a book again before now.

Who would have thought someone would have such an effect on me on a subject I admire before y/n arrived in my life? I’ve never been so passionate about something other than books before her. 

*

My waiting (that had seemed like an eternity) had only lasted till the next day, not long after my arrival at the bureau. 

I hadn’t expected it, but the book had happened to be situated close to my keyboard, which after thinking, was obvious, if I’d take account of the numerous trips we both had done throughout the morning due to various reasons concerning either paperwork or matters of previous cases.

I had taken a seat on the desk, quite empty for a while due to, again, the trips, as I had glanced at the surroundings, only to see a few members of the team, busy doing whatever task that was in front of them. 

‘Great Expectations, Charles Dickens’

Again; fairly surprising, but quite a good surprise to discover, as I hadn’t seen it for a while before today.

The edition of the book present on my desk was one of the original versions of it, The cover had a black color, along with the title and the author written in large letters under the title of the book, both just on top of an illustration representing a woman holding a bouquet of various types of flowers, behind it, the outfit she wore was visible; a white embroidery, with a grey-ish and black necklace on top of it, which was situated around her neck. The illustration was displayed in the shape of a large square, almost taking the rest of the bottom of the cover, as a space was present after the closure of the white border around the illustration. 

My eyes wandered around the cover, as I switched sides, ending up on the back of it.

“Considered by many to be Dickens’s finest novel, Great Expectations traces the growth of the book’s narrator, the orphan Philip Pirrip (Pip), from a boy of shallow dreams to a man with depth of character. From its famous dramatic opening on the bleak Kentish marshes, the story abounds, with some of Dickens’s most memorable characters; Among them are-” 

I wasn’t able to finish the rest of the summary, as a familiar scent had caught my attention, two arms embraced my shoulders. 

“You didn’t say hi today. I’m gonna begin to think you don’t love me anymore.” She had said, in an obvious playful tone that had taken some time for me to understand as it was, only a joke.

“Sorry, I’m married to someone, my work.” I had said, before the feel of her lips on my left cheek interrupted me; as, before she could go, I turned my face, stealing a kiss from her.

“Is that your apology?” She asked. 

“If you see it that way, yeah.”

“Then I accept your apologies;”

“I’m glad, I couldn’t bear to see you in such a state that would make you sad, all because of me.” I talked in a dramatic tone, which seemed as if I was doing a play, but she had laughed at it, so, turns out that my ‘play’ had been worth it after all. 

“Have you opened it yet?”

“No, I only read the summary. Why, is there something there again?”

“See by yourself.” She said, gesturing her hand in the direction of the book, as I opened it per request. 

When my eyes fell on the first page, I had expected to see the page on which the title and the author are written in black, but instead of it, a picture that had apparently been printed in a matte paper was taped on the page.

The picture had contained a picture of me, reading a book while I was sitting on the floor, against the wall, of what seemed to be my apartment, the book I was holding seemed to be the same ones I was holding in my hands.

“When did you take that? I never saw you taking your phone when we were together.”

“That’s because you never pay attention to your surroundings when you read. A fire could happen in the apartment and you wouldn’t even notice it until you’d smell the smoke.”

“No, you’re lying, I do pay attention…sometimes.” 

“See? You admitted it yourself. The tone of your voice when you reached the end of the sentence even said it for you.”

“Yeah but, did I...do something wrong or…?”

“No, nothing wrong. On the contrary, your focus was so strong that I was able to take the picture. So, that’s a good thing, do that more.”

“Now that you told me that, I’m gonna pay more attention, you might attempt to kill me behind my back.”

“Yeah, I might kill you if you keep saying that. I’ll kill you with a bad book, I’d be a shame to kill you with a good book, I might damage it.”

“You care more about a book instead of possibly committing a murder on the one and only love of your life?”

“My one and only love is tea, you know it.” She said, as I faked being offended. “Come on, I’m kidding. But, if you keep insinuating that, I’ll care more about the book. So, if you don’t want me to kill my one and only love, behave on your best.”  

“Okay, behave on my best.” I said, tracing the outline of the picture with my index. “Even if the thought of seeing myself in that picture is kinda weird, I’ll keep it. Thanks for it, I’ll read it, well, if...I get to finish the work on my desk.” I said, as we both glanced at the paperwork on the desk.

“Yeah...I, uh. Yeah. I don’t want to...sadden you even more, but you should check your mails, there...might be more.” She said, as she tapped my shoulder before leaving, the smile on my face dropping as I came to the realization. 

“I guess the reading session is getting postponed then.” 

*

The week had really been full of a lot of surprises (if I don’t count the case we had, of course), she had pulled out books I haven’t read for years; books that I had wanted to read, but never got the time for; or even books I’ve never read, but she had surprisingly matched my taste well, as I ended up liking them more than I thought I would before even starting the book. 

To my surprise, we had gotten to have rest for once after the busy week that cancelled all of our plans in a snap. 

I haven’t even realized that it already was October 31st today, the work had completely gone over everything else that made up my thoughts, to the point that I haven’t thought of the book y/n had chosen today.

She’d always put it either on the top of my desk where I could see it, or in my bag, but after a minute or so of searching, I didn’t see it.

The only book that I could see was in my bag, a copy of ‘The Narrative of John Smith by Arthur Conan Doyle’,  I had always left it there, it was one of my favorite books, I had never gotten anywhere without it.

‘Maybe she forgot about it today. It happens.’

We had a small party like we usually do (when a case doesn’t interrupt us, of course), and various small events had been organized.

As I had been looking around, my attention had been snatched away by a hand slightly tapping my right shoulder, as I turned around to see y/n.

“Missed me?” 

“Yeah, I did.” I said, as I brought her closer, and brought my lips to hers, as we exchanged a brief kiss. “Where have you been?”

“I was with Penelope, just for a bit, because if you didn’t see it, she wasn’t around either.”

“Wasn’t she? Oh, apparently not.” I said, as I saw her coming in, walking in the direction of Emily who had called her.

“What were you thinking about?”

“You, and books.”

“Oh, talking about books, did you notice something?”

“Something? Uh, no. I haven’t seen one, except the book I always carry.”

“And what is it?”

“The Narrative of John Smith, why?”

“Well, you just noticed something. The book you just saw is the one you were looking for.”

“But, I had it yesterday, and all of the days before. I-I don’t get it.”

"In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s October 31st today; the date the book was published by the edition you own, it even was the first book I laid my eyes on when we met.” She pointed out.

“...you just reduced my IQ to 60 in a minute.”

“Oh, did I?”

“Yeah, I knew it was our anniversary, but never had I thought that this book was involved.”

“Now you did, and you better remember it, and never forget to carry it.”

“I would never.” I said, as I gently put my hand on her cheek, as she suddenly raised herself on the tip of her toes, kissing me before I even got the time to think of it. 

“Happy anniversary Spence.”

“Happy anniversary y/n.”

*

[amyisherenowitsokay]

You know what just to SPICE it up a bit imma say zadr too bitch

This bitch tryna give me arthritis smdh. Making me out myself for my dual-ship on main, can't even believe a bitch.

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

1. How did they first meet?

School. We must never forget the infamous handcuffs scene.

2. What was their first impression of each other?

Pure, unrivaled loathing.

3. Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

Gaz said "kiss already" and throws things at them when they're getting too far away from "I want you dead" territory and well into "you want to fuck me so bad and it makes you look stupid" territory. Professor Membrane thinks they're adorable.

4. Who felt romantic feelings first?

Dib. Hormones get the best of us all. You can only be obsessed with someone so long before motivations get blurry.

5. Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Zim would nearly break his PAK and commit accidental die trying to delete the emotions or install an emotional inhibitor. Dib would have a full mental breakdown trying to sort through it, which would manifest poorly in his behavior and negatively impact his ability to engage in their usual altercations. Pro tip: if you are painfully attracted to someone, being in a position where they pin you to the asphalt or lean over your desk to hiss insults at you is a bad idea.

6. If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

I stand by what I said on my ZAGR post in that Zim doesn't know what a soulmate is, or the concept of a soul, but given this is in regards to his arch-nemesis instead of a creature he's mostly indifferent too, he'd be pissed at the insinuation he was in any way bound to Dib. Dib's fragile psyche would not survive the revelation.

7. What would their lives be like if they had never met?

Really empty. Their rivalry and parallel situations regarding neglectful authority figures is what keeps them going for so many years.

GENERAL

1. Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

As someone who thinks Zim doesn't understand even the concept of not being a possessive jackass, I think Zim just sort of concludes after awhile that, regardless of Dib's feelings, or even Zim's own feelings, whatever they have makes them wholly and entirely each other's. Just completely and hilariously misunderstanding the concept of a relationship, but still being incredibly presumptive in assuming they already have one. He also doesn't let Dib know of this revelation either, so eventually Dib explodes about his crush, and Zim's like "we are already together???? moron???" Dib could argue, and he kind of wants to, but he also never expected Zim to reciprocate, so he just sort of nods and is like "you know what, sure" and that's the end of it. They do not have an anniversary, but Dib's not really like that, and Zim doesn't know anniversaries are a thing anyways.

2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

Again, stealing from my own ZAGR post, but I don't think Zim's really a 'date' person who would plan out that sort of thing. Dib is an awkward moron with arguably worse social skills than even Zim, and mentally comes to the conclusion that dragging Zim on investigations is basically like a date, and Zim doesn't bitch about it anymore than expected, therefore he is a master of romance, so it's fine.

3. What was their first kiss like?

Awkward, and quick. Dib is not a great communicator, nor is he great at explaining things like human demonstrations of affection, especially not when Zim's scowling impatiently at him through is fumbling and stuttering. He just goes for it, and it's quick and he misses his mouth almost. Zim is extremely surprised, especially when Dib makes terrible excuses about needing to be elsewhere and flees. Zim does his own research, and their second kiss is predated by a lecture about being better than Dib at everything/Dib being bad at everything. It is much more successful, even if afterwards Dib instigates a fight about Zim's tongue being weird.

4. Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

First everything, except kiss. Gretchen kissed Dib in high school as a dare. Zim will never forgive her for it.

5. What’s their height difference? Age difference?

I'd die to make them the same height, but I think the image of Zim being average height while Dib is a gangly big boi is just too funny. Zim would be pissed, and Dib would be so smug but so uncoordinated.

6. What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Gaz interacts with them as minimally as possible, because they are loud and gross and annoying, but she's okay with Zim overall. They have a mutual understanding that Dib is stupid, completely reckless, and requires constant supervision to keep him from getting eaten by a ghoul or something. Gaz does genuinely trust him to skewer anything that tries to kill her brother, but she also knows that Dib isn't the only one with 0 sense of self-preservation. Dib was initially wary of Professor Membrane's reaction, because his dad is sort of unpredictable when it comes to his only son, but the Professor's only commentary is that he is glad his son finally made it official with his 'little green friend.' Dib then realizes that the implication in that perpetual comment about Zim had air quotes around that "friend" part all along.

Dib thinks Gir's gross and loud and doesn't get him, but he likes to team up with him and/or use him as a means to annoy Zim. The Base hates him, because now there's two morons with no sense of self-preservation that it needs to keep track of. Minimoose and Dib are bros.

7. Who takes the lead in social situations?

Zim, if only because he is arguably more 'charming' than Dib's fumbling attempts at communication with non-paranormal parties.

8. Who gets jealous easier?

Zim. Dib I think would have his 'HTTYD Hiccup moment' as he gets older, but still has that ingrained low self-esteem from years of ridicule and abuse. He is completely oblivious to the new attention he gets. Zim, however, is not. Dib never really notices the cause of his weird snarling and clinginess, but he shrugs it off as Zim just being weird and continues with whatever he was doing.

9. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

Zim is a slut, I will die on this hill.

LOVE

1. Who said “I love you” first?

Dib. He says it casually, in the dark, when they're on a stake-out to find some wood goblin or something. He says it like he's talking about something plane and unremarkable.

I think a ZADR relationship would need Zim to be a lot more independent in terms of researching how romantic relationships 'work,' since Dib's not a great communicator, and there's an ingrained rivalry that will never dissolve between them, no matter how many times they kiss, so Zim would be a lot more motivated to figure things out on his own. He would, in this circumstance, know the weight of Dib's way-too-casual admittance, and it would be a huge shock to him. He'd be pretty shaken about it for awhile, and Dib's not bothered when he doesn't reply. Dib would be pretty sure Zim would never admit it, but he does, eventually, because he refuses to be a coward about it.

2. What are their primary love languages?

Verbal affirmations. With their self-esteems firmly in the toilet in Zim's kitchen, being able to have someone validate them who they respect would mean a lot to them.

3. Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

Dib. He uses it to start fights with Zim about linguistics and metaphors. Also, he's 99.9% positive Zim secretly is flattered by it, but hates that he is.

4. How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

Zim is very clingy, but Dib's too on the move to really pin down for a good cuddle frequently. He's twitchy and his minds always racing, but every once in a while when Zim's completely fed up, or Dib's running on fumes but still forcing himself on, Zim will all but pin him to a cushioned surface and force him to sleep. Neither of them are PDA people.

5. Who initiates kisses?

Zim. Dib's really shy about it, and also normally too distracted to pay Zim the attention he so obviously deserves, and often misses Zim's 'signals.'

6. Who’s the big and little spoon?

PAK not comfy against sternum. It's also easier to force Dib to sleep if he's the big spoon, because he can pin his limbs.

7. What are their favorite things to do together?

Paranormal investigations, and morally ambiguous and/or largely dangerous experiments.

8. Who’s better at comforting the other?

Dib, which is hilarious, because he's about as smooth as a cheese grater, but he is very attuned to the person he's been obsessed with for years, and he can also relate to a lot of his issues. While Zim usually shrugs off the sentimentality and the empathy, dismissing it as 'pity,' the affirmation means a lot to him.

9. Who’s more protective?

Zim. He has to anticipate his lover's stupidity to make sure he stays alive to hunt ghosts another day.

10. Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Verbal. Hormones are real, but there's something that eases the sting of years of abusive in a crooning praise or a sincere compliment.

11. What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

https://open.spotify.com/track/3IvUhEVbbA81QnEVhsFHiH?si=b3c5787c9ff14105

12. What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

It is primarily age-old insults that lack the bite and sincerity they once had.

13. Who remembers the little things?

Dib. Zim isn't inattentive by any means, cataloguing all of Dib's weird habits and nuances and what not, but for all the compensating Zim does to keep Dib safe and healthy, Dib reciprocates in meaningful gestures. He remembers to pack Zim-friendly snacks on their road trips and ways to keep Gir entertained, if they have to bring him. He always checks the weather and has an extra coat, just in case. Never makes Zim feel bad about needing to check, just one more time, to see if he got any incoming messages from home.

DOMESTIC LIFE

1. If they get married, who proposes?

Dib.

2. What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

It's just Gaz, Minimoose, and Gir. Membrane is too far away to attend, but that was deliberate. Dib didn't want his tendency to make things about 'the Membrane line' effect the intimacy and importance of the ceremony. Also, Zim insists on incorporating some Irken rituals into it, so it'd be hard to make excuses and explanations to why Zim wants Dib to fuck with his weird pink backpack during their wedding.

3. How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

No kiddos. Neither of them would be interested, even if it was biologically possible.

4. Do they have any pets?

Seriously, Gir counts, right?

5. Who’s the stricter parent?

Dib. Zim refuses to parent Gir when Dib is more inclined to do it, since he's more irritated by it.

6. Who worries the most?

Dib has perpetual anxiety. So does Zim, but he masks it better.

7. Who kills the bugs in the house?

Dib, to prevent the gooey grossness that is Gir's bug-breath.

8. How do they celebrate holidays?

Just with Gaz.

9. Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

Zim will strap Dib to a bed himself to get him to go the fuck to sleep, because it's been over 48 hours you insufferable human, and--!

10. Who’s the better cook?

Dib's idea of cooking is a microwave, salt, and pepper. Zim is forced to learn the wonders of human food to keep his idiot from dying of malnutrition.

11. Who likes to dance?

Gir.

[star-spangledstud]

ALL THAT MATTERS

Pairing: Frank Castle x (female!) reader

Warning(s): angst

Summary: he’s all that matters to her. Is she all that matters to him?

"How many times have I told you to be careful out there?" You ask, allowing the back of your hand to rub against your tired eyes.

"Every time." Frank mumbles, looking down at his feet while he allows you to gently tend to his injuries.

Truthfully, you don't even remember when or how it got started. It was initially Karen who asked you to keep an eye on him and since you owed her a big favor you complied, but that debt’s been paid long ago and the late night nursing hasn’t stopped. You don’t even question Frank anymore at this point, because you know damn well what he gets up to on nights like this one.

He stumbles through your front door with a trail of blood on his heel and a deep scowl etched onto his face, which is mostly covered in caked blood and bruises.

It scares you every time, knowing what he’s is capable of. You always wonder what the other guy looks like after a run in with The Punisher, but more often than not, Frank's injuries imply his opponent has either bit the bullet or is wishing that they had. You know he’s killed people in the past, and that he still does it all the time, but you still help him. Whether or not that makes you an accomplice is something you'd rather not question. Instead, you stitch him up in silence.

You are scared of his capabilities, but not of him.

You can hear the low rumbling of cars outside while you scoot closer to Frank so you can get a better look. He’s currently seated on the edge of your queen-sized bed, the fresh linen sheets a crumpled mess beneath him while his hands grip the soft material tightly. His eyes are screwed shut while you thread a needle through a superficial stab wound near his shoulder. Frank doesn’t make a sound. Instead, he bites his tongue, allowing you to focus on what you’re trying to do. 

"I'm getting really sick and tired of your shit, Frank." You grumble through gritted teeth while pulling the wire through his irritated flesh.

He grimaces when you tie it into a small knot to secure it, but his face changes completely when your eyes meet his for the first time since you broke out the seeing kit.

He grins down at you, causing the streaks of dried blood across his nose and temple to crack into little broken lines that remind you of cracked face paint on Halloween. 

You hate how much you enjoy it when he smiles because it’s a rarity to find Frank with anything but harsh words and a scowl, but you can’t help the warm sensation spreading through your lower abdomen when he does smile. Frank's smiles are more rare than blood diamonds, that you’re sure of. A man like Frank might've done a lot of smiling when his family was still alive and well, but those days are long gone and anger is all he has left now.

"That right?" He asks, his eyes lingering on your face while you continue to clean him up.

Drops of heavy rain and gusts of wind roughly hit the window panes, creating a melody of pitter-patter and whistles that echo softly throughout the room. The clock on your nightstand hit 4 a.m. ten minutes ago and you should be fast asleep at this ungodly hour, but your priority is the man in front of you. He’s always the priority.

"Damn right I am." You say, taking a pause to look back at him.

Frank’s wet clothes are soaking through your white sheets, which are now nearly fully covered in a mixture of fresh mud and blood that leave the air with a coppery scent. Frank knows you'll get over it, you always do, and frankly, he wonders why you even bothered to purchase such expensive linen in the first place. The first time he tried to pay you back for ripping them accidentally with one of the knives he had sticking out of his jeans, you'd politely told him to fuck off and that you'd take care of it. He never brought it up again, even though his hands itch to give you money for all the trouble he causes every time he finds himself leaving your apartment after a nightly patch-up and a glass of whiskey.

Frank’s come to understand this isn’t a business transaction for you anymore. You don’t see him as one of the animals you’re paid to treat during your daytime veterinary job. He isn’t just some sick little puppy looking for treatment. He’s a broken man, looking for understanding in a world he can’t understand himself and somehow, he found something it in you. You don’t take pity on him. You just do what has to be done and he admires that, because he does the same.

He slowly sips the whiskey you gave him when he first came in and stares blankly at the black screen of the television that hangs above your dresser. He’s the one who hung it up for you. He did a good job, he muses. Perfect height, perfectly straight.

You suddenly notice a piece of glass sticking from the top of his abdomen. With a gulp, you grab the whiskey glass from Frank’s fingertips. Before he can object, you down it, allowing the sting from the alcohol to heat the back of your throat as the liquid slides down. You don’t think he knows you hate the sight of blood, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is getting him fixed up.

You rise from your chair after taking a lukewarm washcloth and dabbing it across the scrapes and cuts on his hands. Giving him a once-over, you take in the work you just did, subconsciously counting the bruises that stain his tanned skin in the process. You’re exhausted, terrified to turn around and look at the clock at this point in time, but you’re too persistent and set on making sure he’s okay to really care.

Letting out a breath you'd been holding in, you absentmindedly nod. Frank’s eyes, dark and restless, scan your face slowly, taking in every feature from the blue circles underneath your droopy eyes to your rose colored lips and strands of hair that always fall out of the messy bun atop your head. 

"Why do you keep doing this, huh?" He asks suddenly, voice gruff and thick with sleep.

You lift your shoulders and bite your lower lip, afraid to speak. He notices the wrinkles in between your brows when you frown ever so slightly and he sighs. With both hands placed on the bed, he makes a move to get up, groaning when you instantly shove him back down.

"Can you like, not rip out your stitches? Just this once, I'm begging you," You huff, your hands pressed firmly against his chest to make sure he doesn’t move again, "Just because you're The Punisher doesn't mean you're immortal. You need to rest as much as the next guy."

You slam the first aid kit shut and tap on it with your fingernails, anything to keep yourself distracted after tossing your dirty gloves in the bin next to the dresser. He smells like musk and expensive cologne. You didn’t notice it until he got so close to you.

"Hey," he says, grabbing both your hands and holding them tightly in his, "You don't need to do this, alright? I won't bother you anymore if-"

"Shut up, Frank." You say curtly, cutting him off before his statement could fully pass his swollen lips.

You don’t want him to say it, because you don’t want this - whatever it is - to stop happening. You’re emotionally invested and breaking it off now would do more harm than good. You think he secretly knowsleaving you will fuck you up, but he doesn’t want to admit it.

"I'm serious, girl." He said.

"Look, I get it, alright. You're a bad man, Frank. The kind of man I'm supposed to have nightmares about. The kind I'm supposed to stay away from so I don't get myself into trouble or get myself killed," You roll your tired eyes, "but I don't believe it for a second."

"Believe what?" He asks genuinely, rolling the pad of his thumb along your soft fingers.

"That you're bad, Frank. Sure, you have shitty ways to go about things, but I refuse to believe you're a bad person. Karen doesn't believe it and she knew that I wouldn't believe it either. That's why she sent you to me." You sink down on the bed beside him, feeling the dirt and sand rub against your bare legs.

He wants to leave in this moment, get the hell out of your bedroom before you get in too deep, but the look you’re giving him tells him that ship has already sailed and there is no way for him to get rid of you. He knows the people around him always manage to get hurt because of him and as he’s sitting there, watching you in completely silence, Frank realizes he’d rather die than watch you get hurt. You've been taking care of him for months, never question his motives, never complain when he goes off the radar for weeks on end. He needs someone like you in his life.

He needs a woman like you in his life.

"Then what am I?" He asks finally, breaking the heavy silence between the two of you.

"I don't know," you say frankly, "For now, you're alive. That's all that matters to me."

The words leave your mouth before you can silence yourself. Heat rises to your cheeks when Frank inhales sharply at the sound of your voice, sweet and soft and so much the opposite of his own. It isn’t a confession of undying love, but it confirms his suspicion. You care for him beyond the formal patient/nurse relationship you two share.

His heart begins to involuntarily hammer in his chest from the thought alone.

He wants it, to be close to another human again, more than he ever thought possible after what happened to his family, but he doesn’t trust himself enough to make a sound or move an inch. When he looks at your bare arm and notices goosebumps rising all along your skin, he finally moves.

"You cold?" He asks in a raspy tone of voice, allowing his crooked nose to momentarily bury itself in your naked shoulder.

You shudder at the feeling of his hot breath against your skin and you nod silently, your ear making contact with the side of his head. Your heart aches for him and you wish so badly he would just make a move, anything to let you know your feelings are reciprocated, but he remains idle beside you, leaning against you in the glimmer of gentle candlelight.

Your body finally jerks up when he presses a long kiss to your temple, your eyes screwing shut in a painful frown while his do the same. His hand clasps around your back and squeezes it, but before you can even let out a content sigh, the warmth of his hand disappears, and all that remains is cool air coming in through the draft from underneath your bedroom door.

He picks up his stuff, the guns and ammo he keeps on his person at all times disappears in his pockets while you watch him trudge through your bedroom. His dirty shoes leave footprints all over the cream colored carpet, his fingertips leave stains on your furniture. The speed with which he moves through your safe space painfully tugs on your heartstrings.

He looks at you once more after swinging open the door, a sad expression painted on his face in blood and words he can never say on the tip of his sandpaper tongue. When he catches your face, eyes misty and mouth quivering, he needs to bite his lip to stop himself from punching a hole through the wall. Frank leaves without another word, forcing you to listen to the sounds of his weakening footsteps and the front door that closes silently behind him.

You don’t see him again for another four months.