#like it produces a visceral reaction from me

[labyrinthhofmymind]

don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through don’t think about atyd remus and how he didn’t tell his friends about anything he went through DON’T THINK ABOUT ATYD REMUS AND HOW HE DIDN’T TELL HIS FRIENDS ABOUT ANYTHING HE WENT THROUGH

[songstep4002]

Does anyone else look back and realize that one of your childhood invisible friends had some really weird gender stuff going on that you never thought to examine at the time?

Like I had a whole superhero universe and the main villain, T-who, was... I don't even know. I used he/him to refer to him, but thinking of him as a man feels so weird to me now, and the way I pictured him, his gender was similar to Princess Lily, the main hero, who was Very Definitely A Girl. (His real name, Tom Jack, was like the first two random guy names I could come up with- and the whole thing was a Voldemort ripoff because 'if you say his real name he will send his wolves after you'- not even getting into the fact that my younger brother proceeded to rip off my ripoff by creating an entire supervillain society of alphabet people named A-who, B-who, etc. It was a whole thing.)

But anyways yeah I don't know what was going on with the gender stuff.

[earlgreytea68]

okay, so I finally finished the Barbra Streisand memoir. I learned a lot and I developed a great deal of respect for her because she is clearly an extremely talented person, but also...it was a slog to get through. It was really interesting to me the picture I got of her talent and influence and how hard she works but also how much she...isn't someone I actually wanted to spend time with? lol

BEWARE, LOTS OF VENTING ABOUT THIS BOOK BELOW, DON'T READ IF YOU IDOLIZE HER

It was also extra-interesting because I don't usually read memoirs, and this year I read three, and I think I assumed that all memoirs would be so sanitized as to not really give me much of a picture of the people behind them, like, Idk, I assumed they'd all be so slanted toward the person whose memoir it was that it wouldn't be like I could actually come to any conclusion about the person from the memoir. So, for instance, when I finished reading "Spare," I was like, okay, sure, Charles and William seem like awful people, but how much can I trust Harry's account of things? But then I finished reading the Barbra Streisand memoir and it made me like Harry even more lol, I was like, no, he is clearly a very sympathetic person, because not everyone tells their story in a way that makes you always on their side.

I should be clear, like, it's not like Barbra Streisand comes across as a monster or anything like that. As I said, it's very clear she's very talented and has worked very hard and had to deal with a lot of sexism throughout her career. But it's also clear that she's a very particular type of person who thinks that everyone else should spend all of their time working, and if they have a life outside of work, that person is immediately suspect and she never wants to work with them ever again. She tells story after story where she's like, "I sent him the script on Friday afternoon. He said he was just walking out the door for a weekend away, but he would get back to me on Sunday or Monday when he got back. Disappointing." Yup, that director was fired shortly thereafter. She's making a record and she asks this guy to be her producer, and she keeps them all in the studio basically night and day, and at one point she sees him looking at his watch, clearly impatient to, you know, go home to his family, and she's like, "Welp, I'll never work with that guy again." She's directing a movie and she wants everyone to stay late to film something and the crew is like, "No. We're not staying late. We're going home," and she's so betrayed by this. She says they all would have stayed if she'd been a male director. She might indeed be right about that. But that doesn't mean that her attitude that everyone around her needs to work around the clock is justified, just because guys treat their employees that way, too. She doesn't tell these stories because she thinks she comes across as a jerk, and that to me was what was so telling about them. Maybe because I've worked for bosses who truly do take offense when you want to have a life outside of work, and I decided those people just weren't for me. It's cool if that's how you want to live your life, but this is probably why I just had this sort of visceral reaction against her. But it was interesting to me that I had that reaction at all! Like, it's her life story and she could make herself look as awesome as possible, you know?

Also, the picture of someone who hit it big when she was like 20 and has been fawned over ever since was just so tiring. It's a thousand pages of this. EVERY SINGLE STORY SHE TELLS IS JUST EXHAUSTING.

She acts the part of Juliet for Lee Strasberg, the guy who invented method acting. He tells her she's the best Juliet he's ever seen.

She directs Yentl and shows it to Steven Spielberg. He tells her that he wishes he could offer her some advice but he can't because it's the perfect movie and he has zero notes. She's the best director ever.

She's researching mental illness and goes to see mentally ill patients. Worried about how she should interact with them, she asks the doctor, "Am I doing this right?" The doctor says most people get it wrong, but she has gotten it right. She's even the best at interacting with mentally ill people. She's a natural at everything!

Like, literally, every single story is like this. By the time she was designing dresses better than Donna Karan and then taking credit for Bill Clinton's reelection strategy, I was just like, I can't anymore lolololol. Then she has this rant at one point about how people can't handle truth but she thinks telling the truth is always the best option and I wanted to be like, ....she thinks this because she thinks the "truth" is always that she is literally the best person who has ever tried to do everything ever. I mean, maybe she is! But the fact that she doesn't realize that it's not like this for the rest of us is just exhausting.

My most illustrative story of this: She tells this story about how she was away traveling and she hired some gardeners to put chrysanthemums out on her NYC penthouse terrace while she was away. She requested pink and white chrysanthemums. When she got back, they had planted rust and yellow chrysanthemums. She is HORRIFIED. She calls up the gardener in outrage and the gardener is like, "They didn't have pink and white, so we just put in rust and yellow." She says they should have asked for permission before making that substitution.

Okay, so far, I guess so normal-ish story, like, still seems like a little bit of an overreaction but she's probably right that they should have checked on the color change, Idk, I don't have gardeners planting mums for me, so I've never thought about how I would react to that lololol. BUT THEN. THE STORY GOES ON. She is so, so offended by these mums that SHE CANNOT BEAR TO EVEN LOOK AT THEM. She draws all the curtains in her penthouse and sits basically in gloom and darkness, sulking about these mums. Then one of her friends comes over and doesn't know she's having this fit about the mums and is like, "It's a beautiful day! Why do you have all the curtains drawn!" and starts opening the curtains and......THE MUMS ON THE TERRACE ARE NOW PINK AND WHITE.

Now. You know what the explanation for this is? Probably the gardener she yelled at came back and replaced the mums for her because she was freaking out so much. But you know what Barbra's explanation for this is?

When you want something so badly, the universe finds a way of giving it to you.

............

Sorry, I find that so unbearably obnoxious, this idea she has that either (a) the rest of us just don't want wealth and success and adulation and talent as much as she did; or (b) the universe loves her so specially much that it changes the colors of flowers for her???????? I cannot believe she thought this was a story that she needed to include in her memoir, because I found it so uniquely horrifying a story. And it also made me think differently about her relationship with her mother. She doesn't like her mother. I'm not being cruel here, she literally says it right in the book: she doesn't like her mother. She tries to paint this picture of her mother as being jealous and resentful of Barbra. And maybe she is. There are certainly bits in the story where she seems to be. But there are other bits where she's not. Barbra focuses in on a concert that the mother missed, and it does seem super-rude and insulting and offensive and I was horrified. But then later on, her mother is at another concert and she just gives it this passing mention, like, no big deal, so...it's not that her mother never went to concerts? Or something? And then she admits that her mother kept a scrapbook of Barbra's entire career from the very beginning, and I think maybe we're meant to see that she did that so could seethe over it and hope to throw bad reviews back in Barbra's face or something, but it just seems also like maybe her mom was proud of her? And the reason I think that I get that they had a fraught relationship is because Barbra keeps making snide little comments, like, "It's not my fault that my mom didn't work harder to be famous herself." Like it's just that easy. Like you just snap your fingers and you become famous. It was that easy for Barbra, and so she assumes that the rest of us just don't want it enough. One of the stories she tells about her mother throwing a tantrum is after she gives her a book about 1940s movie stars that she inscribes, "This could have been you, Mom!" And in the memoir Barbra is like, "I truly believed that my mother could have been a movie start if she'd just tried for it. She was so beautiful and talented." .......THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. And I kind of totally get why her mother was offended by Barbra just kind of endlessly judging her as lazy for not going out and getting herself a more fabulous life Idk.

Anyway. It was just interesting to me that the more I read the story of this life, the more I could see the seams of it, so to speak? Like, in revealing what she thought she was revealing, she was revealing so much more to me, if that makes sense? Like, she said that people are constantly demeaning her as "controlling," when she's just trying to make the best product she can, and I get that, but also every story she relates she's like, "I told the lighting guy how to do his job and then he got offended." And I'm just like, Well, you're running around constantly telling people how to do their jobs. When those jobs are not your job and arguably they are the experts. But she doesn't seem to treat anyone with basic deference, because she's so used to knowing better than everyone else. She never phrases it as, I asked the lighting guy to light me this way, which was telling in and of itself. She always tells them. There's one point where she describes making two accomplished screenwriters live in her guesthouse for a week and work night and day on this screenplay, and she just casually is like, "I told them which scenes each one of them should write, and sometimes I told them to write the same scene and I'd pick the best one," and I was just, like, horrified at the idea of these two accomplished people being forced to work around the clock as this woman literally pits them against each other? She framed this as an exciting collaborative project but the words she used to explain what her role in the collaboration were made it clear that no, she was the boss in the position of power ordering them around. Maybe, in a way, she just never has grasped how much power she had over other people, because of imposter syndrome or something, Idk.

This is all to say: It made me rethink how I was reacting toward Spare. Which wasn't to say I thought Prince Harry was lying, just that I thought maybe his version of the truth was skewed toward justifying his own behavior. But after reading the Barbra Streisand memoir, I've realized that, actually, that might be harder to do and maintain over hundreds of pages than I realized. I finished Spare liking Prince Harry more than I did when I started it, and now I like him even more lol

(I haven't talked much about the Britney Spears memoir, largely because I have concluded that that memoir is just such an acute picture of a traumatized soul who hasn't even begun to heal. I wish her well. Harry is also a traumatized soul but he's had literal decades of working on healing so his memoir hits different that way, while still being so clearly about his trauma, all the same)

[jmdbjk]

Episode 2: Adolescence 

Beyond the Star, produced by HYBE Media Studio

They begin by conveying how important concerts are for them. Concerts. Not performances. Concerts.

They thought they “made it” in 2016 when they booked the Olympic Gymnastics Arena for a concert. It was the dream venue for idols at the time and are amazed they are performing there and never imagined they’d have a concert that big.

During the interviews where they are expressing their thoughts about what performing during concerts means to them, we see footage of different concerts illustrating what they are trying to explain. 

Hobi harkens back to their first concert in October 2014 for The Red Bullet tour, at Seoul’s AX Korea with 6,000 in attendance. He says they didn’t care about how many hundreds or thousands were there, they were just so thankful for the fans who came to see them.

Attendance rose at each progressive concert. Their fourth concert in 2015 had 13,500 in attendance at the Seoul Olympic Handball Gymnasium, and their fifth concert in May 2016 at the Olympic Gymnastics Arena, mentioned at the beginning of this episode, had 25,000 in the audience. They were in awe at how huge it was when they first arrive at that venue, looking out at the empty seats before they began rehearsing.

They were always so emotional during their ending ments, so thankful for what they were experiencing after knowing how hard they’d worked from debut up until the end of each one of those concerts.

In the early years, the hearts of those young men were bursting with passion and to see so many fans supporting them had to be an overwhelming relief, its no surprise their emotions overflowed.

Though they finally saw their hard work being appreciated, the joy was tempered with having to deal with pushback.

One of the things I noticed that was not mentioned yet in Episode 1 was how much pushback, bullying, negativity and hate they received from their peers and other fans outside their team and company from the very first day.

Working their asses off to fulfill their dreams while being faced with all that makes it even more amazing that they stuck with it. 

It was them against the entire kpop industry. We all know how much BTS is hated by other kpop fandoms. We see it daily on the X timeline. The jealousy is real, it's destructive and it's dangerous.

BTS is untouchable now but in 2013, Jungkook was 15 years old. A CHILD! Jin was 20! BigHit had no money. There was a point after debut when they were asked to move out of the dorm because the company couldn't afford it anymore. Underdogs is an understatement, truly what the hell did they think they were doing up against all these established kpop groups, their fandoms and the big 3 companies?

Now, in Episode 2, we start to hear how the guys handled all this. For some of them, they did not handle it very well. Namjoon talks about his panic attacks and how he avoids the internet and going online during a song/album release. 

In Episode 1 we saw Hobi and Jin so thrilled and excited, anxiously waiting and monitoring online their very first album release at midnight on June 13, 2013 and for Namjoon to tell us now he can’t enjoy the thrill of that is so devastating to me. 

When an artist sends their art out into the world, it is like a living part of themselves, an extension of themselves that they lay bare to the world. The visceral reaction of panic when seeing people hate you for it…and the amount of courage it takes to ignore that and keep going and make more art to release into the world…I challenge anyone to show me they have THAT amount of courage.

And I implore you to understand the depths these guys LOVE their fans ESPECIALLY BEFORE THEY WERE BIG to keep doing it in spite of the hate.

Yoongi was incredibly diplomatic when he says “we had a lot of unreasonable controversies.” I would have said "we had a lot of total fucking bullshit that meant nothing thrown at us by a bunch of stupid butt hurt people." There, I fixed it for you, Yoongi.

They had a ludicrous amount of people gunning for them, hating them for being successful, hating them for being different. Jealousy drives people to do the most hateful things.

Jimin says, “having to deny the bad rumors was always so upsetting.”

Namjoon recieved death threats during the Red Bullet Tour. Early on they were accused of chart manipulation because they sold so many albums. This is the company had no money, there was no money to spend on chart manipulation!

They were accused of plagiarism and brought to court and were exonerated because it wasn't true.

Jimin received death threats at the end of the Wings Tour.

Being the humans that they are, with feelings and emotions, Yoongi says they and the fans were getting desperate and spiteful in the face of all this backlash and hate. 

The fan song “2! 3!” was an anomaly. It is somewhat somber for a song dedicated to fans. Most fan songs are light and cheery. But this song fit the emotions BTS was experiencing and bonded them closer with their fans and was again, another instance of the members being sincere and genuine in their expressions. 

The emotional scenes of BTS standing on stage, Army singing the lyrics back at them, waving their purple plastic bagged Army bombs, has to be one of the best memories for them. A truly bonding moment between artist and fan.

December 2016, Mnet Asian Music Awards, they win Artist of the Year. It is their first major award. Yoongi says “in a movie, the ending credits are supposed to roll at this point.”

They’ve reached the top… as they knew it. End of story... 2016? Nope.

Early the next year while they were on the Wings Tour, they were told they were going to the United States for the Billboard Music Awards. No other Korean act had ever done that before. They had no expectations for that trip. They had no idea what they were supposed to do when they got there.

It’s kinda cute seeing them prepare and wondering what to expect. They are so young and you can tell they are trying to figure out if they’re supposed to try to emulate the image of a western pop star.

When they get out of the van at the red carpet event, they all look around the back of the van to the other side of the street and see the fans screaming at them. They knew who the real fans were and they wondered what everyone else thought: perhaps people were just curious about who they were. 

Namjoon wonders how different it may have been had they, the members, been a little more culturally proficient, meaning at that time, they were inexperienced, naive and ignorant about the impact they were making. It was all a big wonder to them at that point. They were thinking “do they even know who we are?” 

Then they win Billboard’s Social Artist award, not a major award but still, it had been won by Justin Bieber for many years prior and now it was BTS’ opportunity to kick in the door. And they did. With all seven pairs of feet. Western artists began to take note and wanted to collaborate with them. The thorn in the western music industry's side had arrived in the form of this team of 7 and their fans.

Yoongi thought it was a one-off token award, but then they were invited to perform at the AMA’s. They can’t believe they’ve made it that far. 

They are soaring and going places they never imagined they’d go. Everything seemed like a fairytale, the success, the adulation, the global attention…

But it was happening too fast, their young minds, their emotional development and sense of self never had a chance to mature and catch up to their work load and the pressures and expectations their image and success placed on them. They never had a chance to stop and assess themselves personally and consider if this level of fame was something they even wanted.

Literally, they never. stopped. working. When they say "we just kept running forward" that is not a euphemism, it is literal.

As soon as one event, concert, appearance, fan meet, photo shoot, shooting Run BTS, music shows, whatever was over, it was on to the next one...from plane to hotel to venue back to hotel back to plane, to be repeated over and over.

In mid-2017, by the time they talked about resting for a while, it was perilously close to being too late. They still had the rest of the Wings Tour to complete through December. Some of them had already considered quitting. Some did not possess the confidence to endure the burden. Some of them wondered if pausing was the right thing since they were doing so well. 

They were confused by how they could be feeling like this after they’d worked so hard to get to this point.

The title of this episode is "Adolescence" and it pertained not only to the members who were just emerging from it and their careers that had gotten past the starting line and now riding an almost out of control rocket to stardom. It also was a point in time for the company trying to get its feet under it, for its leader Bang PD trying to steer this team, to figure out how to manage this worldwide sensation they'd created.

Bang PD had to learn how to deal with his team's enormous success as he watched them begin to burn out. He embraced a philosophy of focusing on the importance for an artist to have autonomy and be happy as a person which was not a thing in the kpop industry at that time. He was worried about their mental well being and their happiness. He suggested a break.

They knew there was an "end" coming eventually. End of contract, military... et al. They pondered the inability to enjoy the fruits of their hard work and that it couldn't "end" with them being unhappy.

We know in 2018 they renegotiated their contracts. 

For a group as close as they were, as committed as they were to their careers and to each other, they had to come together and discuss how they were feeling while being burned out, they had to admit to each other they wanted to quit. We don’t know the nitty-gritty details of how it went down but they worked through it and re-committed to each other and their team.

They didn’t give up and that tells me not a single one of them are quitters.

My own personal thoughts are that they recognized they needed to stop at that specific point in time and regroup. They knew enlistment was coming eventually and the typical life-cycle of a kpop group had been about 7 years when idols aged and younger ones took their place. But they'd reached places in the stratosphere that none other had before. I think they paused, recalibrated and actually let themselves seriously think of a future after enlistment that would allow them to keep up this level of success, to keep pushing boundaries...and therefore they re-evaluated what was in that contract to include things that ensured their well-being so they could grow. That new contract was set to expire this year, well after Jin was supposed to be back from the military and most likely all of them. I am curious to know what that original 2018 contract planning included...

Anyway, I accidentally rambled a lot adding extra context and my own thoughts while watching this episode.

Review of Episode 3 next…

[wizardsvslesbians]

Isaac here, with another recommendation response masterpost! It's a long one!

Anon said:

oh my godyou guys HAVE to cover metal from heaven by august clarke as the next thing to add to the list i just saw the reviews and it literally looks like main wizlez for the first time in quite a while

We actually have had an ARC of this one for some time, and we were intending to cover it! And I bounced off it real hard. So that's on me. Once it comes out properly and there's an audiobook I'll take another crack at it.

Seiya said:

“A Sweet Sting of Salt” by Rose Sutherland is for all the girlies who read Charity and Sylvia and wanted more of that. or, 19th century Nova Scotia selkie lesbians. the wizard is less a wizard and more a condemnation of the selkie folktale in general, but also the vibes are nice and this was a nice book

We're going to need a vibes are nice book - the vibes have been either rancid or very complicated for too long and I'm missing the simple days of boat lesbians and The Duke. Also it would be nice to follow up "Selkie Stories Are For Losers" from our last short story roundup.

Spiralochete said:

Not wizlez, but if you're ever in the mood, I would love to hear you guys discuss Borne by Jeff Vandermeer. It features a non-narcissistic parent of an extremely monstrous child, and I think it would produce interesting discussions in conversation with some of the previous entries in the podcast. I also think that the ecological themes would be an interesting change of pace. There are no prominent lesbians, but there are definitely wizards. If either of you have bounced off Jeff Vandermeer previously (I know that some people do), it's definitely a bit more accessible than the Southern Reach Trilogy.

I liked Annihilation! Then Authority bored me enough that I never bothered to finish it, so I'm, like, medium interested in this as a concept. Sounds like a guest episode, and so we'd need a guest who wants to cover it.

Anon said:

i think i might have just watched the first actual bona fide wizards vs lesbians film i've ever seen other than adolescence of utena, and i'm shocked i never heard of it before: harmony (2015), but for the podcast you guys might be more interested in the novel of the same name it's based on by project itoh (who i believe is also famous for having a kojima game dedicated to him posthumously). the novel is less explicit in the romance between protagonists (antagonists?) tuan and miach, which might be a point towards reviewing the film rather than the book, but it's up to you guys! really, really interesting stuff from this film, despite its flaws. it's good scifi

Any skepticism I might have had about this went out the window when I saw that Michael Arias co-directed the film. He directed Tekkonkinkreet, which is one of my five favorite movies of all time, one of the only pieces of media that makes me cry no matter how many times I go back to it, so I, at least, will be giving this a shot. Can't guarantee any more than that.

Anon said:

i know you only rarely cover graphic literature but tbh the more i think on it the manga land of the lustrous not only counts as (enby) yuri but also absolutely fits in the lesbian space atrocities/wizlez genre, the tragedy and war and double crossing and mental illness stuff with the initial motivation for everything being a gay crush that ruins everything.

I'm gonna be real with you: I had such a viscerally negative reaction to the anime when it came out that it would take a lot for me to dive into the manga. Toooo many lovingly rendered amputations.

Anon said:

have you guys ever read stuff by qing jun mo xiao? her baihe serials all are very much in wizlez mode as far as i can tell - clear and muddy loss of love has a full english translation available online, i dunno about female general and eldest princess but it's getting english volume releases!

There is an english translation online, but it's definitely fanwork, and with all respect to the person who made it it's probably best if we wait for an official release. When that does happen, I'm all for it.

Short recs:

the passion by jeanette winterson is a vintage wizvwlw novel i found recently which is magical realist napoleonic wars in venice - it might be of interest to you guys

On the list it goes!

the women could fly by megan giddings def looks like wizles, maybe it's worth checking out since it looks pretty interesting

On the list it goes!

i've not read it, but the light brigade by kameron hurley looks like interesting wizlez to me if you wanna check it out

I suspect we haven't done any Kameron Hurley books yet for a reason, but on the list it goes!

And finally, presented without comment:

Look I'm aware that due to the time commitment which is on par with reading Homestuck and the audio format it's basically impossible to cover all of it. But fellow wizards vs lesbians listeners should know that the magnus archives probably counts as wizards vs lesbians. There are a million wizards, women fall in love, and lesbians definitely attack the wizards. plus there's an assortment of bad mothers and monstrous children. It somehow has a coherent plot and themes by the end as well, if you can stick with the motw format long enough. However it's mostly wizard pov

[itsoverfeeling]

my non-comprehensive, sometimes inconsistent approach to ultra biology

disclaimer: im just having fun, this is all bullshit, theres no singular biological headcanon i agree with here, i just pick and choose whatever i think works best for the thing im making. yay!

mantles and shells

ultras are like invertebrates to me. i think if there was one way to summarize my ultra hcs, its invertebrates. i may be biased because i love bugs, but lets ignore that for now.

many ultras (specifically m78 ultras) share a couple of common traits. the rubber suit, the silver/metallic faces, glowing eyes, and occasionally they might sport a bit of armor. now ive seen some works that imply this armor is removable. to me i think its more appropriate to compare them to... the humble mollusc!

now, molluscs are diverse like any other phylum and their traits do not manifest in a singular anatomical diagram like this might imply..

that being said, i like this diagram for discussing ultra biology. as you can see, there is a pink layer between the shell and the rest of the body. this is called a mantle. the mantle covers the organism's visceral mass (this is a particular soft region that contains internal organs). its also responsible for creating mollusc shells. snail shells, for example, are formed due to the mantle.

now i'd also like to quote this bit from wikipedia: "The four most universal features defining modern molluscs are a soft body composed almost entirely of muscle, a mantle with a significant cavity used for breathing and excretion, the presence of a radula (except for bivalves), and the structure of the nervous system."

so. how much of this do i think can be referenced for ultra biology?

ultras, by default, have these soft bodies. the only exceptions, across all ultras, is their metallic face. i imagine this is the main shell grown by their mantles. relatedly, these harder structures tend to be located around the head and torso region, meaning to me that this mantle-like organ is located on the upper body. it can also form a secondary shell on their chest, like with zero here. that being said, these shells are like body parts, so theyre Not removable unless you want them to bleed out..

on some level, i think of mantles being spacium-based but im not fully sure how to articulate that yet.

crystals

so if i think these shells are similar to mollusc shells and produced by the ultra-equivalent of a mantle, do i believe this is case with forehead crystals or body crystals?

well, i think of crystals as a separate growth. the main thing that separates these structures from the previously mentioned shells is that they're evidently more light-based than the primary/secondary shells. so much so, that they're how some ultras generate beam and light-based attacks. i generally think of crystals as internal structures that have grown outwards into external structures, almost like tusks. they're basically hardened light-based structures, not quite light and not quite shells.

petrification

we see ultras being turned into stone more than once. beyond the actual in-canon reasoning we receive, i like to think this is a natural reaction similar to the other forms of biomineralization i mentioned.

the mantle and shell(s) are a more physical set of structures than the rest of ultra's biology. i would say its an ultra's light/life-force that usually regulates this function. so when an ultra is weakened, and therefore their light is diminished, this physical function would keep running, even without their consciousness present, until the entire body is covered in this shell-like growth. the mantle theoretically can form a stronger, less refined (no longer smooth space metal, but rock-like texture) layer, at the sacrifice of other functions.

internal anatomy and mouths

i think that, largely, an ultra's internal anatomy is vestigial. they likely have typical organs such as stomachs and intestines and reproductive organs, but they just sort of sit there. with some genetic lines, some of these organs and systems have started to be lost with each generation, while others, curiously, tend to remain no matter what.

based on absolutely nothing, i love to imagine that in many ultras, the species-equivalent of their esophagus is gone at this point. their stomachs tend to stay behind, but physically they couldn't possibly eat without some major alterations.

of course, i do think these still-existing vestigial systems can come back "online" so to speak. i think this is a major consequence of merging with other species and beings. for a moment, they experience/live with instincts/behaviors/biological traits similar to their host/form. this can impact them physically and mentally in the process and most ultras don't come back the same. sometimes their bodies can adapt well to the sudden changes and sometimes they can't.

technically, they can use their mouths despite the metallic surface, but since most ultras grow up without learning to move those structures, the "muscles" there atrophy over time. your average adult ultra can't open their mouths without physically pulling them open with their hands.

their teeth are.. somewhat based on molluscs too actually. the OG ultraman suit has sort of human like teeth (if i recall correctly) and i think thats awesome, but i also think THIS is awesome:

this is the radula. think of it like a tongue covered in teeth!

heres a diagram of how it works. theyre not biting or chewing the way humans use their teeth, but its more like theyre scraping food into their mouth. i think this is sick as hell. i have no reason for why i like to imagine this, i just think its awesome. idk if i'll ever incorporate it into my work beyond just thinking it, but i wanted to mention it either way.

an alternate idea i have is similar to sea lamprey mouths except more human-like. so i sometimes imagine ultras with multiple rows of thin sharp teeth surrounding a fairly normal tongue. very cool and awesome.. but my main rule with the mouth region is that 1) theres some crazy shit happening in there 2) we probably wont see it because they just dont open their mouths.

communication

i loveeeee linguistics. so i think a lot about how ultras communicate. in fights, humans are implied to hear ultras' grunts and shouts, so i think ultras, despite not physically speaking, still make involuntary, close-mouthed sounds.

they communicate telepathically and i think that would change the linguistic landscape significantly. instead of being limited to words, ultras can convey more subjective meanings with even more clarity, such as emotions and feelings that might carry over mentally. i also imagine "thinking out loud" could be very literal for ultras and children would have to learn very quickly how to keep their thoughts to themselves. i wonder if ultras like geed would struggle with this since they never grew up learning this themselves?

i also wonder if there are certain tones/meanings, such as formality and status, that could be conveyed with telepathy and outside of literal words. maybe you could just send out some vibes and everyone would be like "wow what a polite young ultra" <- and in this case it could become very annoying if everyone just Knew something because you couldnt keep it in your brain. that would Suck.

anyway. those are my general ideas i have. sometimes i use them, sometimes i dont. sometimes theyre contradictory to what is "canon", but i just follow my heart...

[onyxandemerald]

Hellenism Woes with (/o) Apollo

I've been feeling really detached from Apollo for a long time, which is a problem for someone who claims to be a devotee. I try meditating and reaching out to Him, but I only ever feel Him passing by. Especially with the rise of hAhi, my passion for art has stalled out, and I still cringe at myself when I try to make music. Digital art feels desanctified as worship to me now, tainted by the soulless touch of a machine. I don't want their greedy data vacuums anywhere near my practice.

I grew up my own worst critic, making sure I had every base covered so when I did inevitably arrive at conflict, I already had a strategy. No one could injury me more than I had already suffered at my own hand. I was perceiving danger around every corner and every friendly introduction was like sizing up an adversary. In my creativity and upon completion, my first reaction was to viscerally destroy it. Gut it's very essence. I was conditioned to immediately and permanently disdain everything I produced.

It was probably not until this year that I genuinely believed unconditional love and validation even existed. I had never felt valid in my emotions or in my pain unless I had a physical representation or a dollar sign to attach it to. I had no way of knowing if my feelings were real. I never learned or practiced how to let love in. My emotional strife was invisible and nobody took it seriously; it wasn't until I was bleeding, crying, throwing up that I was worth calling attention to. I'm 27 and a half now, and I'm still shming, and I still try to shame myself for that, but I have healed so many other overwhelming, pervasive emotional and spiritual wounds; wounds that had previously controlled my entire life and behavior.

In this way, I know He is still with me, and I know I will never be done healing. I know this is probably His way of guiding me onto my next adventure.

But this loneliness is intimidating. I want to ask Him to protect me from myself.

[olderthannetfic]

A recent anon made me want to read a bit more about queerbaiting and I ended up on James Woodall’s video Dr. Who Was Queerbaiting (https://youtu.be/Olpn9YsyMeM), have you seen it?

I found it interesting, especially for his sources and the reasoning for why the definition of queerbaiting should be expanded from the original marketing technique one. My first reaction is that it’s better to make up a new words, like queercatching, than to endlessly expand the meaning of an old one, potentially into uselessness. And well, once you expand the meaning into “not good enough to satisfy expectations” or say “it’s not queerbaiting because it feels more authentic to queer communities” the questions “Whose expectations? All communities? What about conflicting needs? Should we decide by hand raising?” come to mind. Obviously the answer is always that we need more and more varied representation but it does seem like a definition that would leave space for a lot of infighting (and leave us in need of a different word to convey the original meaning). I’d like to hear a few different thoughts on this from you and other readers though!

--

I haven't watched it.

Broadly, the rallying cry I want to see is: Media by people like us, for people like us.

Define "us" as you see fit. What you want to get behind is going to be very personal, and it won't be the same for all of "The Queer Community".

For me, it's people who like BL—as opposed to other m/m media—and who are willing to admit that what they like is BL and welcome other fans of BL.

I have a visceral horror of being asked to identify too closely with a female body or female role despite being reasonably comfortable as a woman. I dislike being told which character to identify with, regardless of their body or identity. I lack the self insert gene, like to a claw my skin off, get it away from me level.

I dislike things that are trying to be too tightly #ownvoices. "Queer Media" in a broad sense is irrelevant to me as a fan, though I care about it for broader political reasons. I want a media that actively promotes and pursues a disconnect between viewer's body and character's body, between viewer's identity and character's identity. Drag queens are interesting even if not aimed at me. Drag kings are great. BL is great. Cringey, unrealistic f/f by dudes is sometimes great for me too. The closest I'll go to #ownvoices is bisexual media for bisexual people.

The biggest mainstream media is not by people like me or for people like me if it's from the US or UK, and that includes mainstream-ish queer media.

The closest we get is cis gay dudes making art about cis gay dudes who live in their same city and work a similar job, yadda yadda. Or slightly mainstream stuff by poisonous trolls who cry about how much they need to gatekeep and how their BL is not BL. There's a constant assumption, even for the BLy shit by AFABs, that a narrow definition of #ownvoices is the objective and a 1:1 correspondence between everything about the character on screen and the viewer is desirable and most moral and politically best. No amount of nitpicking over terminology is going to change that.

I can consume indie books or head over to Asia where commercial BL industries exist. Those are my options right now.

The entire concept of queerbaiting is stupid as fuck because it imagines that other people are paying attention to us in contexts where they just aren't.

I don't think we should expand the meaning. I think we should approach media differently.

Nothing will change until:

1. People like you/me/whomever the desired queer voice is control media.

I don't mean "are in the writer's room": I mean are the showrunner. I don't mean "are the director" of a big movie that answers to a thousand producers: I mean are the studio head.

Power is what's needed, not begging for scraps!

Or 2.

We as consumers stop going "Sempai will notice me any day now!" about big shit and start spending 100% of our leisure entertainment time on indie things. Not as an also-ran that we fit in around HP and SPN and DW or whatever: as the entirety of the media empires we care about.

And no, that won't solve the problem of horrible people who turn out to abuse their partners still being good at art or whatever. Consuming indie media doesn't make it less problematic. It does offer the opportunity for me to consume media that is aimed at me.

--

I really don't care whether James picks yes or no in that video. The entire question is pointless.

[kaibutsushidousha]

What are your thoughts on TM takes of Taigong, Nezha and Huang Feihu?

Taigong is always a delight to watch. He wears his crippling fear of disappointing on his sleeve, making him very proactive as a tactician and having him deliver the most transparent lies about his status and confidence. When he succeeds, we cheer because he's generally awesome and we know he was trying really hard to impress. When he fails, we cheer because his reactions are great. There's no losing with Taigong. His relationship with Daji has the standard levels of sexual tension and bitter aftertaste we'd expect, and TM chooses to have him act outwardly mature toward the event he'll never forget. Again, nothing new, but Taigong Wang is a hard figure to screw up for me. The only way to feel unsatisfied about him is by comparing him to his Houshin Engi counterpart, but it honestly feels almost bad faith to raise the bar that high (this applies to every Investiture character in FGO).

Nezha is another of my favorites, but she's harder to talk about because she's been in many main story chapters through hands that write her very differently. The general common ground is that Nezha's demeanor draws a lot from his portrayal in Houshin Engi, which is a directing my biased ass likes a lot for all Investiture characters.

As for Nezha's individual portrayals, she was initially a Higashide profile with the worst genderbend background this series produced to this day. Next, Meteo picked her up for Salem, fitting her as the party member who defaulted to violence at every choice where violence wasn't an option. It's the same brand of humor they use for Nightingale and you probably know how much I love this. Salem also puts a sweet amount of emphasis on Nezha's status as a hero for the children, making her the Servant that bonds the closest with Abby. Later Urobochi has Nezha in SIN as a plot device that didn't need to be present outside Shi Huang's backstory. Then, the transition between SIN and Yuga Kshetra has a Nasu scene of Nezha commenting on the similarities between the natural limitations of hers and da Vinci's artificial lives, which is somehow still the second-best character interaction da Vinci's ever got (the first being Mike).

Lastly, Nezha passed through Minase's hands in Yuga Kshetra, where she was written to her best capacity yet. I imagine she was a miss for most people because Yuga Kshetra is expecting a lot of familiarity with Nezha's character from the player. Nezha's background has still never been given in the game. Materials barely touch her relationship with her father. The best we got is an interlude with Nezha saying she chose to be a benevolent god who treats children because cherishing children is what it means to be the opposite of his father (note: this goes so hard). But when you come to the story with preestablished feelings about Nezha's and Li Jing's relationship, Nezha's visceral reactions to being fused with her father hit like a truck.

And Feihu is tragically boring. They failed to make his moral conundrum feel like a real question. They wasted Tianhua as Saint Graph piece. They debuted him in an event that puts him in the background in favor of Higashide's worst joke character yet. Considering the trend of Investiture Servants drawing a lot from their Houshin Engi characterization, we really need to put Wen Zhong in the game to salvage Feihu's character with the power of peak old man yaoi.

[katsukikitten]

If I was smart, talented and organized I'd make a fic where Izuku is being blamed for something he didn't do.

People insist through out the years that he is a bad man, that everything he has done is wrong that he is to blame for all the deaths that happened in the war over 15 years ago.

Finally he snaps, but it isn't a visceral reaction, an explosion like it would be his counter part. Oh no.

It's a slow turn as the glass eyes zoom in from the media swarming his every move from the latest resurface of his "scandal" his voice dark and low, although even.

Dangerously low as he says with total and utter conviction that only Izuku Midoriya can muster, producing an aura with a strength to rival that of all might's.

"Fine. Make me your villain."

There is no threat to it, only a promise.

[meeks-just-wants-to-scroll]

hm. i personally think pearson is a better candidate for your little cat mpreg au.

the obvious contrast between the two is that pearson is competent in providing food and caring for himself/others, while micah is known to be an insomniac and has amateur cooking and hunting skills.

looking over your art, the kittens are assumedly breastfed, but micah’s insomnia would hinder his ability to produce milk, especially enough for a litter.

pearson also has large amounts of subcutaneous fat that would keep himself from starving and make sure his children are warm, unlike micah who just has visceral fat from his alcohol intake (and let’s be real, micah would be drinking during pregnancy. the man has a problem).

so my real question is: why micah? are you going to write angst about him losing a child to fetal alcohol syndrome, and if so, will it be hurt/comfort? are there any other cat-men that can pick up the slack of micah’s limited lactation?

I am sorry to inform you that this is a crack fan fic and I am not taking it that seriously.

The reason it is Micah is because I just feel like it. Me and some friends had a joke of “Meowcah Bell” months prior to this fic, the joke has been around even before I joined the fandom. We like micah and we like using him as a pawn in stories and AU, even when it arguably makes him OOC (I just call it character growth).

(Your ask made me curl up in a ball and cover my face because this was the FIRST thing I saw after waking up and checking tumblr. For causing such a visceral reaction, you’ll get an Easter egg in chapter 3 or 4 of the Meowcah bell fic) /pos. I found this fucking hilarious

[chat-rouge-et-bleu]

i may have just spent a rather long while discussing the hollow and levis ending but i would like to make a more general review of the show scavengers reign. i chose to watch it because of a screenshot of a landscape scene i saw floating around on here and honestly screenshots don't do it justice. i don't think i have ever watched a show that has made me so physically uncomfortable and produce such a visceral reaction. multiple points throughout watching i found myself flinching and feeling sick and genuinely upset and that is amazing. somehow this animation managed to creep me out more than any live action i can think of.

my point being that this show managed to completely immerse me in the world and fully believe in the ecosystems i was being allowed to witness unfold. some of the creatures scared me, some made me laugh but every one i cared for in some way, was excited to be introduced to and often times truly upset to see hurt or have the narrative move away from

in terms of the characters, they were thought out and had strong motivation, they interacted believably and reacted to situations in ways that made sense and felt satisfying. their injuries were bad when they happened and the show didn't allow characters to survive situations simply because they wore plot armour but because of their intelligence. some of them died and there are strong implications that many of the other lost crew of the demeter *have* died and we are left to watch the few strong enough and smart enough to live to the point at which we join them. and even though one character that died came back, she came back in a way that was beautiful, thematically fitting and i didn't feel i was watching a contrived resurrection for emotional impact, i simply was emotionally impacted.

in short, go watch this show, have an awful time and witness some terrible imagery and then cry that a robot just got reanimated by bugs and then you'll understand how good it is

[daybreakrising]

🌿 author portrait .

get to know the author behind the blog! repost, do not reblog.

basics .

name/nickname: lauri age: 33 as of yesterday pronouns : he / him years of writing : literally for as long as i can remember. as for actively writing in an rpc, i started here in like 2012 so... jfc, 12 years on t.umblr technically. jfc. and i was writing on other sites and in IMs before that. man.... man i feel old-

reflection .

why did you pick up writing? i have always been a huge fan of reading & it just felt like a natural progression to start writing my own stuff. i've been told many times that i've always lived inside my head, and i've been doing creative writing since i was a small child. it's one of my biggest passions & i would love to one day make it my profession (haha, good luck lauri-) as it's the only thing i'm actually any good at slkdffg

do you have any writing routines? i don't.... think so ??? i mean i do like to have set playlists for writing but they're not specific to what i'm writing so it's just whatever i'm feeling at the time.

what's your favorite part about writing? the absolute freedom you have with it. there are endless possibilities with writing & that's one of things i love to explore as much as possible. there are no limits to creativity with writing and as someone who is inherently creative by nature, i just found my place here.

three things you like about your writing .

one, how descriptive i can be if i let myself go wild with it. i try to reel it in a little in rp bc my replies are long enough already, but i sometimes let it slip through. whether it's describing a setting, or even just the myriad of expressions and body language a character can display in a single scene, i feel like i'm pretty good at getting that across in my writing.

two, i'm already struggling here bc i'm always stuck on the 'i can be better' train when it comes to my writing. also i generally find it hard to give myself compliments- BUT. okay. i can do this. i guess, that i can so easily switch between vastly different personalities one after the other when doing replies. yes, many of my muses have similar traits, but sometimes i'll go from someone like blade, for example, to t.homa and it's easy for me to get into the mindset of the character immediately, and hopefully that shows in my writing.

three, THIS IS SO HARD GDI. okay - that i can (apparently) invoke visceral reactions in the person/people reading my writing. for example, charlie has literally thrown things at me as a reaction to something i've written. i think that just speaks to the kind of writing i can produce and i like that it makes people feel, i guess.

a question for the next person .

write a question for the next person to answer. once you've answered it, leave a new question for someone else to answer.

have you ever given up on writing? never. i do get occasional burnout bc i do spend a lot of my time writing (and this is particularly bad when i do na.nowri.mo every year) but i never take a break for long and i've never completely given up. i don't think i could alsbfkdg

new question: what do you find the most difficult to write (eg dialogue)?

tagging: @resolutepath @araneitela @ccaptain @apocryphis @ofluminance tagged by: stolen from @avaere

[mybeingthere]

Anne Rothenstein is self-taught artist who lives and works in London. Born in 1949, the daughter of the late Michael Rothenstein and Duffy Ayres, she grew up in a lively and distinguished community of artists in the Essex village of Great Bardfield. Following a foundation course at Camberwell School of Art in the mid-1960s, Rothenstein worked as an actress for over a decade before gradually returning to painting.

"Interviewer: You come from an incredibly artistic family, your mother was Duffy Ayres, your father Michael Rothenstein, and your grandfather was the Royal College of Art principal Sir William Rothenstein. What was it like growing up in that world?

Anne R: Until I was 7, I grew up in a small village called Great Bardfield. It was full of artists, for example Edward Bawden lived across the road, and Eric Ravilious also lived there before the War. The weird thing was, although the place was shaped by artists, that community was deeply conventional. It wasn't a bohemian village, which is how some people imagine it. It was just quite normal. I also didn't know any different.

As a child, I was never dragged to art exhibitions or anything like that. In those days, children were sort of excluded, we were a nuisance. As a very young child, I spent most of my time alone. I lived in my own world at the bottom of the garden. I painted, drew and wrote all day long. Of course there were always materials all around me to do things like that, and in those times we didn't have television. It would be unusual to get through the day without producing or creating something.

My main love is Outsider Art, which is perhaps a reflection of how much of an outsider I've always felt (even though you could say I was born inside). Artists like Malevich and Natalia Goncharova have always interested me... and I've been very moved by the paintings of Gwen John. I wouldn't say that I reference her stylistically, though she also painted many solitary figures. I love early David Hockney, especially his etchings and drawings. Milton Avery has always been an influence. Over the past ten years I have been incredibly inspired by contemporary art and artists, names like Mamma Anderson, Rose Wylie, Kiki Smith, Noah Davis, Kerry James Marshall. I had a visceral reaction to the works of Bill Traylor, the African American folk artist."

https://artuk.org/.../seven-questions-with-anne-rothenstein

[markiafc]

notes on mlc

some personal thoughts about buddhism and mlc :D in some ways, its a further elaboration of the ideas mentioned in this post. @ananeiah @seventh-fantasy

1.

amongst the 3 main chinese philosophies, buddhism is the closest to my heart and personal life. confucianism comes second as i was exposed to it only in accompaniment to buddhism (studied 弟子规 standards for being a good student and child pretty intensely and its had a lot of presence throughout my life + a more modest focus on 三字经 three character classic). and lastly, i'm the furthest away from daoism. i know little about its texts and theories though most of my relatives are daoist; buddhism is on the scanter side in my family. there's a lot more to chinese philosophy than just these 3 schools, but a lot can still be gleaned from this limited scope.

2.

namely: there is a cultural obsession with organizing society. it extends to other parts of asia as well, but chineseness does have a fixation with inventing structure, with dictating every facet of human life, with creating meticulous and intricate systems that resemble million-cog machines; all the little parts (living, breathing people) must perform what they were designed for, and the whole can then function perfectly. a lot of this lies in confucianism. it devises specific social roles and rituals, it calls for conformity and uniformity, it teaches you exactly how to live. confucianist texts (and chinese governing bodies) tell you what your childhood must entail, what your teenage years must be like, what qualifies as adulthood. what marriage is. what a family is and how to conduct yourself within it. here are the exactly defined spheres that make up your entire life like building blocks. there are details, situations that may arise and the correct way to respond, and there are steps. for every person, regardless of age, gender, race, class, etc. there is a guide to follow and stages to accomplish. this is a system for our benefit. we must abide. don't we all want to be good people and live a good life?

3.

it stands to reason that there is an old and enduring conflict within chinese thought. buddhism, daoism, and other chinese ideologies exist to combat this rigidity, this extensive manual to living human life. they assert that surely there is something beyond. surely there is something more meaningful to our time on earth than propriety, tradition, discipline, etc. does this really establish goodness and generate fulfillment? what are the ingredients to human happiness, really? this interplay lies at the center of these 3 major chinese philosophies. (among a multitude of other things, of course, a highly diverse and ancient culture can't be boiled down.)

4.

sometimes chinese stories explore that unyielding and severe, at times cruel, social order. it is the entire world as far as the eye can see. and these stories draw from buddhism (or other beliefs like daoism, mohism, etc.) to portray a way out. to find freedom from that choking machine. how do we escape institution and systems? from a mahayana buddhist perspective, that question is the same as: how do we be happy? and these are the chinese stories that truly, viscerally gut me to the core because i feel it deeply. it feels true and real and earnest. mlc is one of those stories to me.

5.

briefly, this is on a basic level what chinese buddhism is in spirit:

everything in our mortal world is because of 因缘 cause/effect. every event, every emotion, every phenomenon is a result of something else. and this newly-produced result will then go on to become a cause of its own, inciting other effects. it is a chain reaction.

significantly, it is also a cycle. in the chinese eye, in the buddhist eye, all is conceptualized as a process. everything is broken down into step after step, and understood as such. animals have a reproductive cycle, the chicken and the egg. rain exists via the water cycle. and the human being is the most complex creature of all. we are a result of many, many cycles working in tandem all at once. inside our bodies and our minds, the chain reaction is at play, renewal and cessation and renewal and cessation.

this means that everything is always changing, on a level we can perceive and also in imperceptible ways. everything is subject to change, especially ourselves. this, too, indicates everything is a byproduct of something else. everything has a recipe behind it, everything is a batch of different components, baked together to create the cohesive final product. we look at it and see sponge cake, with frosting and edible decorations. we dub it "cake", and forgo the reality that it is egg, flour, sugar, and so on. we place emphasis on the labelled idea of a "cake". so long as we think inside this framework, an instinct that comes naturally to all human beings, nothing is as it appears.

such impermanence & the human urge to depend on such methods of conceptualization creates suffering.

therefore, never be tricked by form and appearance. always look past the veneer, the whole it seems to be. a cloud is labelled a cloud but it is merely a step in the water cycle, water changing forms. matter is a combination of atoms. and our anger, sadness, discomfort is always more than the simple emotion. look closer. buddhism urges you to dissect it. analyze, question, break down. everything in this world is an effect, it is a construct. it comes from something, somewhere. and then remember, everything is subject to change. even society, especially society.

buddhism repeats over and over again. many things feel true but they are not. it feels true that women are inferior to men, but this reality does not stand up to close inspection. why do we think this? reflect on ourselves, what exactly did we intake that resulted in this final conclusion? what ingredients created and perpetuate this form we label misogyny? analyze, and then change it.

buddhism is a cultivation of the self, an endeavour to re-train the mind to think in new, better ways. it teaches how to recognize falsehoods that pass as unshakeable, irrefutable beliefs. how to remove ourselves from it. and how to master our minds towards better mental processes. this is enlightenment. in buddhism, it can mean so many different things. but the concept is most popularly synonymous with 智慧 intelligence, exactly because buddhism prizes the refined mind. one that is no longer stuck believing in falsehoods and illusions.

how do we be happy? we cultivate a different way of thinking from the mainstream, from traditional society. become unstuck from your old self who is entrenched in our world, along with the fraught beliefs it instills into every single person. nirvana is a state of mind. and happiness is freedom, which necessitates departure.

6.

llh re-evaluates his identity and his life, that is his arc. he pinpoints the beliefs he used to hold, that he was so sure mattered. the idea of heteronormativity and the patriarchy seemed so important to him at the time, it was all there was. but then he comes to realize he was wrong, it was all false. he interrogated himself and those ideals deeply, and spent years cultivating a new way of thinking. he also removed himself physically and emotionally from the world lxy inhabited. by becoming llh, he becomes undefinable. everyone else struggles to comprehend him, they are not equipped with the tools to digest the concept of llh.

(the fact is "lxy" was always there. he was just invisible to others because they simply could not properly process what they were encountering. this happens over and over with fdb and the baichuan folks. it is not his physical appearance, in fact he still looks about the same. he is rendered unrecognizable by the gulf between beliefs. by an inability to perceive what they are actually seeing.)

llh escapes but it is not far enough. society catches up to him again, llh becomes parseable to the world all over again. he is once again defined, and defining himself, through the mainstream concepts. uncle, master, guardian. a friend, an enemy. an ex-lover turned friend, a love rival, etc. his identity is contingent on existing in society. and as a participant in society, he attempts to construct his identity through a combination of labels. he allows himself to be perceived, for it to matter how others view and understand him. to let the way they think inform how he thinks too. the way he lives and goes about his life is wrapped up in new versions of old institutions. labels and concepts all over again.

the different combination of ingredients creates the illusion of a different final product, a different person. and to some, that may be the wisdom and change they need to be happy. not everyone needs buddhism to be happy. but llh makes an effort, experiments, looks closer and closer at himself. and he decides it is not enough for llh, so he transforms. he takes all his time and experience, and devotes it towards a new outlook on the world.

the cycle repeats, and every buddhist can only hope that this time the new round would end differently. its impossible to know but it is always worth trying. because this is the road to happiness; this complete and utter egress. the buddhist ideal of becoming a mystery. to become untouchable by that restrictive society and its standards. invisible once again. impossible to fathom because you are not beholden to definite labels. form and a consolidated, concrete, and organized identity is how the others process the world. but you are not what you seem. you are more than what you appear. your form does not reflect what or who you are.

so how do we be happy? it's simple, we say goodbye.

[blorbologist]

I absolutely adore your historical Quebec AU!!! My friend is also super excited to see what you do with it. Do you have a tag for it?

!! Oh, thank you so much! I think I had the tag filles du roi AU, but I only see the original idea pitch come up for it. Which is unfortunate, I know I've written a lil snippet for it. AHA, found it! Enjoy <3

I'm not sure when I'll get around to actually writing it - longfics are a scary undertaking for me because I want to see them to their end, and I know just at a glance that it'd be a massive undertaking:

I am a huge nerd. Though my focus is biology, I have a visceral reaction to people spreading falsehoods or inaccurate information. I don't want to do that to part of my own history, which would mean a lot of research. Which is kind of tough, when I'm already laden with research for gradschool and history isn't my forte. Seriously, I don't want to describe a kind of paint that wouldn't exist, or the wrong type of snowshoe, or a prayer to a saint that was actually not well-regarded. Because this is a very rural context, I couldn't easily handwave a lot of the details without detracting from the immersion. So I need to know how Vex would skin and sell beaver pelts, and the going-rates for materials for Percy's pepperbox or I'll go completely insane and tear my hair out in shame.

I think trans Vax would fit into this setting super well (get an extra dowry from the king by posing as another Fille du Roi with his sister, even if he's Absolutely Not), but. Though I'm queer, I'm not trans, and want to respect Vax and not just have him endure getting misgendered by the church and crown constantly.

I also do not want to whitewash the history of Nouvelle-France: the French stole this land from the Native American people that lived here and co-opted them into their conflicts. There is a long history of discrimination, and genocide, that I'd want to tackle carefully, both as a white author, and because Vex and Vax would be Métis, with a French father. It's delicate, in a way that other historical AUs usually sidestep. (I would like to help educate people that Canada's image as the squeaky-clean goody-two-shoes cousin of the USA is a complete fucking fabrication, though, so it'd be worth the headache and heartbreak.)

It would also require a very different sort of prose and dialogue than I'm used to. Trying to figure out a nice balance between keeping that Old feeling while also having it distinctly come off as French (more than that, French Canadian) would be a mess! A delightful challenge, though :D

I really do love this AU, and the idea of sharing this fascinating (if very, very complicated and messy and tragic) part of history with the fandom means so much to me! It's just very daunting for lil' ol' me - the fact even two people are excited really made my day, though <33

Have a bit of worldbuilding: the Briarwoods killing Percy's family still happened... only it was because they owned land that produced excellent deposits that colored glass a rich, incredible green. They call it residuum, and sell it as a luxury good and claim it has many arcane properties. Because it glows in the dark.

It's actually uranium glass and thus mildly (very mildly) radioactive :3 But it's fun to think of the Briarwoods and their cronies irradiating themselves with their hubris! While feeling a bit magical for the time and setting!