#like it is straight up Depression hrs in my head

[stonerskinny]

omg can i tell you guys a story that popped off on one of my old accounts about said ex-bestie (i’m gonna tell it)

so let’s call her S and her ex-bf R.

R comes to visit and it could’ve been a whole thing because i didn’t exactly love him and she knows but it’s their anniversary so she wants to have him over. so i obviously don’t push the issue, he can stay over for a few days and i’ll just make myself scarce — nbd. well, their other friend J ends up in town for a wedding during the same dates, so obviously they all want to do something together. at this point im like acquaintances with J and R, so S asks if i’d like to join the three of them to go to this diner. it’s my favorite restaurant of all mf time, y’all. but i turn down the offer because im Depressed and my ed is raging and i don’t want to eat around ppl. she texts me while they’re at the diner and asks if i want her to get me anything and i say no.

when they’re on their way back to our apartment, S texts me to let me know they’re headed home and will be going straight to her room but that she bought me a cinnamon roll and can leave it in the fridge for me. she knows i luv a good cinnamon roll so it was just a sweet gesture even though i’d said i didn’t want anything. they get home and do their thing and i stay put away and that night at like 10pm i decide im going for a walk. now me being me at this time, i was stupid and hadn’t eaten all day so this walk only lasted like an hr before i felt like i was dying and went home lmao.

i get home and decide: it’s cinnamon roll time. S and R are downstairs, i’m gonna take a shower and then get high and eat my cinnamon roll (because omad). i’m like genuinely excited for it, i hadn’t had a cinnamon roll from this place before and i was pumped im ngl. i take my edible, go take my shower and by the time i get out it’s juuuuuust starting to kick in. perfect! i go to the fridge, and open it to see the cinnamon roll box.

i open the box, and it’s….empty?

i’m like wtf this has got to be a prank or something. i’m annoyed but take it as the universe telling me to keep fasting or some bs so i just take the L and go to bed instead. the next day i ask her about it when R is elsewhere and she’s like oh yeah we ate it. i hate conflict so im just like oh okay whatever i mean she bought it with her own money so she can do with it what she pleases but cmon. WHYYYYY say you bought it for me and then just EAT IT ANYWAY???? like you so easily could’ve not said anything but nooOoOoooOo let me get excited and then take it away. bitch.

[findingmypeace]

I know I haven't written an indepth update for a while. I just wrote this in an email to my outpatient therapist and dietitian. We've exchanged emails every so often just to keep them in the loop.

I'm going to put my latest response under a cut because I feel like it's way too much of a 'debbie downer' kind of post.

As an update, things are quite bad... I've never felt so much self-hatred, and this depressed, hopeless, and alone. Insurance has approved iop through 12/31/2023 but that is to be expected because that is the last day of my coverage with (current insurance plan) and (new insurance plan). However, I'm pretty sure this will be my last week of iop because there's not much more they can do for me. I'm really, really scared of what will happen if I don't have that little bit of extra support.

I talked to my parents... My brother's wedding was Nov. 18th. I'm not quite sure where things are at. My Mom texted and then called me on Thanksgiving and we had a 2-3 minute conversation.

(RY) and I have drifted apart quite a bit. That hurts so much. I feel almost entirely alone.

Sleep was crazy for a while. First night eating. That stopped but then I started waking myself from kicking while saying how much I hate myself and to "Make it stop." It's calmed down a lot since a huge increase in my night meds and since I've gotten new bedding.

I do not at all recognize my body. I saw my weight a month ago and at that time I was (X). I can't imagine where it's at now. Every time I see my reflection anywhere, the disgust is sky high. I despise my body which in turn increases my self-hatred so much.

I love (program director at php/iop). I feel like she's the only one that will tell it to me straight and I trust her so much. Last week she met with me and we discussed that I've been in a relapse for a while. I'd have to say I agree with her...  ED behaviors are weird, in fact I'd say it's tortuous. It's a mixture of b/ping, restricting, and grazing. My meal plan has pretty much flown out the window. Of course this has only increased my self-hatred. And I'm scared. I CAN NOT stay at this weight but what will happen in full relapse? I don't know if my body can withstand that and I don't want all of this treatment for nothing.

Dissociation has been happening frequently and it's intense and scary. Essentially I'll get online, go down the rabbit hole, and then it's 6-7hrs later and I look around and realize what's happened and have to reorient myself back to existing in the real world. I tried so many things to prevent it but at this time I've kind of given up. It usually happens on the weekend when I have the day free. At this point, I think I need to not be in my apartment at all, even on my days off.

Work is great but stressful because of constant deadlines. It's kind of hard to maintain deadlines when I'm spending 5hrs/day (2 of those hrs are for commuting) dedicated to treatment. Add in the dissociation and I'm almost always getting 4-5hrs of sleep a night because I'm either staying up super late or getting up super early to get things done on time.

That said, I have gotten a lot out of treatment this time. It's all in my head. I have such a hard time putting everything I've learned into action. It's all there but the depression, hopelessness, and self-hatred are so intense that doing anything takes a HUGE amount of energy.

So not the greatest update. I'm sorry if this is super depressing or pessimistic. I'm just really not in a good place.

[ellezem]

1. Hope

2. prefer not to answer :) (minor)

3. August 15th

4. Leo

5. Yellow or purple idk

6. 12

7. 4 (2 cats 2 dogs used to have a frog)

8. The U.S. (too specific)

9. 5’1

10. 7-8

11. A lot lmao

12. I got an award for being a fat pig

13. I act and sing and draw

14. Idk I like to think I’m empathetic

15. Stand by me by Ben E. King or any David Bowie, Black Sabbath, or Metallica

16. But I’m a Cheerleader or Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

17. I don’t really have one, I just fall in love?

18. Probably not

19. Nope and my extended family can suck it up

20. I’m not sure, i say I’m agnostic so I’m kinda open to everything

21. Yes but my brain blocks out traumatic memories

22. Not that I can remember

23. I went to the tommyinnit “how to be a millionaire tour” (I didn’t meet him but it’s the closest thing I’ve got)

24. Showers, I don’t like sitting in water

25. I’m not wearing socks but the socks I was wearing earlier didn’t match. One was white with a rainbow and one was fnaf

26. Locally and I’ve been in the news but I’ve never been famous

27. Yeah I just want to be remembered

28. Depends on my mood but literally everything (as long at they’re not problematic)

29. No

30. 4 but a LOT of stuffies and blankets and my cat

31. Side/sprawl/ball

32. 3 bath, 3 bed, living, kitchen, garage, basement.

33. Nothing or half a muffin

34. No

35. Nerf archery lmao

36. Vanilla

37. Slut or whore

38. 20 hrs

39. Skin picking/eczema scars, sh, scraped knees.

40. Yeah

41. No

42. No

43. Yeah

44. Not too strong but it’s kinda a mix of a bunch of things

45. English/British

46. Infp-a

47. My bubbline jacket or my rainbow platforms

48. Yeah

49. Weird question but innie

50. Right

51. Yes

52. Popcorn or cherries

53. Pizzelles

54. Depression room (messy)

55. That’s so real or I’m gonna kms

56. Ya’ll

57. 30-45 mins

58. Not really

59. Bite, I don’t like keeping things in my mouth

60. Yes, it’s creepy

61. Yes I’m a theatre kid

62. I would say I’m pretty okay

63. That I’ll be forgotten or unlovable

64. I don’t mean to be but I think I am

65. Literally any marvel movie <3

66. Idc but I have short

67. I know where each one goes but I can’t name them off the top of my head

68. Writing or reading (as long as I’m writing/reading about something I like)

69. I’m a loud introvert

70. No

71. Everything

72. I used to be but I’ve stopped caring for my saftey

73.I’m afraid to but I will sometimes

74. Yes, literally everywhere

75. No, I’m not like that

76. I guess

77. 👀

78. I’ve taking unprescribed and random pills but no, not unless I’m in pain and someone gave me something.

79. Real? Or straight agenda? Because straight agenda me liked this guy cody I think was his name but real was this girl Dolly

80. Regular Ears but I want more

81. Yes

82. Like 38 characters per minute

83. Mile in 14 mins (I hate running)

84. REALLY dark brown (I’ve dyed it a million times)

85. Same as hair

86. I have a low acidic tolerance meaning my mouth swells when I eat pineapple and kiwi (I do it anyways no one can stop me)

87. It’s helpful to but I usually forget so sometimes I’ll just write down something in my notes

88. My mom teaches permanent hair removal (electrolysis) and has been doing it since she was 16. My dad works for her.

89. No I’m the youngest in my grade and it sucks

90. The world, the U.S., bigots, abuse, attention seeking

91. Nope that’s why I go by my middle name (my first name is pretty it’s just not ME)

92. Yes but I don’t want kids. I like zeffir, Asher, David.

93. I wouldn’t care, I don’t want kids.

94. Volume, fake confidence, talking.

95. People, stage fright, crowds, vomit, bugs.

96. My mom like the name Elizabeth but didn’t like the nickname Lizzie so she went with the Italian alternative.

97. 🤷🤷🤷

98. Didn’t you ask this question?

99. Grey

100. I paint murals on my walls but underneath it’s white.

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

PLEASE DON’T LET THIS FLOP AHHHH

1. What is you middle name? 2. How old are you? 3. When is your birthday? 4. What is your zodiac sign? 5. What is your favorite color? 6. What’s your lucky number? 7. Do you have any pets? 8. Where are you from? 9. How tall are you? 10. What shoe size are you? 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 12. What was your last dream about? 13. What talents do you have? 14. Are you psychic in any way? 15. Favorite song? 16. Favorite movie? 17. Who would be your ideal partner? 18. Do you want children? 19. Do you want a church wedding? 20. Are you religious? 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? 24. Baths or showers? 25. What color socks are you wearing? 26. Have you ever been famous? 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? 28. What type of music do you like? 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 31. What position do you usually sleep in? 32. How big is your house? 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? 34. Have you ever fired a gun? 35. Have you ever tried archery? 36. Favorite clean word? 37. Favorite swear word? 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 39. Do you have any scars? 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? 41. Are you a good liar? 42. Are you a good judge of character? 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? 44. Do you have a strong accent? 45. What is your favorite accent? 46. What is your personality type? 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? 48. Can you curl your tongue? 49. Are you an innie or an outie? 50. Left or right handed? 51. Are you scared of spiders? 52. Favorite food? 53. Favorite foreign food? 54. Are you a clean or messy person? 55. Most used phrased? 56. Most used word? 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 58. Do you have much of an ego? 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? 60. Do you talk to yourself? 61. Do you sing to yourself? 62. Are you a good singer? 63. Biggest Fear? 64. Are you a gossip? 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? 66. Do you like long or short hair? 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? 68. Favorite school subject? 69. Extrovert or Introvert? 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? 71. What makes you nervous? 72. Are you scared of the dark? 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? 74. Are you ticklish? 75. Have you ever started a rumor? 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? 77. Have you ever drank underage? 78. Have you ever done drugs? 79. Who was your first real crush? 80. How many piercings do you have? 81. Can you roll your Rs?“ 82. How fast can you type? 83. How fast can you run? 84. What color is your hair? 85. What color is your eyes? 86. What are you allergic to? 87. Do you keep a journal? 88. What do your parents do? 89. Do you like your age? 90. What makes you angry? 91. Do you like your own name? 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? 94. What are you strengths? 95. What are your weaknesses? 96. How did you get your name? 97. Were your ancestors royalty? 98. Do you have any scars? 99. Color of your bedspread? 100. Color of your room?

[etastra]

y’all mind if i,,,,,, toss a one liner starter call out ??

[robinruns]

Ok, let's see if I can get my thoughts from this weird ass day out of my head

I slept hard last night. Like I woke up enough at 6 to turn off my alarm, then half an hour later heard Kyle's alarm. I struggled to get going so I didnt go in early to do any overtime. When I got to work, I realized I left my phone at home. I don't think I woke up fully until 9:30. I had a meeting at 11 am and oof.

So my work does this wellness program and we didn't get the highest score this year because they now include mental health policies as a portion of the score. I brought up that it would be nice if we had designated mental health days, or clarity in the sick time policy that allows for taking time off due to mental health reasons.

Boomer Coworker: Well I could say it's really nice out and I need a mental health day on the golf course lololol

Me: I have days where I struggle to get out of bed due to depression, but I do because I'm not physically ill so I don't feel like I can call in. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad I'm feeling physically ill, but I don't feel like I can leave. Having a definitive policy that allows for time off for mental health reasons would be really helpful.

Coworker with a Brain: Thank you for sharing all that, we'll take that to (HR lady) and see what we can do

BC: Oh yea we can do that, I'm not totally heartless

No buddy, I know you're not, but you're a bit thick headed sometimes. I sent a follow up after the meeting to the coworker who has common sense and said if they want any opinions or input from someone that is Actually Mentally Ill, I'd be more than happy to help. I shouldn't have to put my fucking diagnoses out on the table to have what I'm saying be taken seriously, but here we are.

Then I went home for lunch, Kyle had the episode of IASIP where they're trying to get in to the World Series on and when he finished his work call said "I put this on because the regular channel had baseball on." He didn't see the irony until I pointed it out later.

Afternoon was super fast since I left early for therapy. I'm glad that we're not beating around the bush and just straight up saying the root of my problems is my non existent self worth. My "homework" for this time is to watch a YouTube video and come up with a list of consequences for things that don't have obvious consequences, such as "when I don't take the time to put away laundry, I end up feeling like shit and it exacerbates my already bad mental health."

The thing is, what consequence is there if I don't? Ha, suck on that Jordyn!!

God I wish I loved myself

ANYWAY!!!

We then went to McDonalds for dinner and got Adult Happy Meals again, we've gotten 2 of the 4 (5?) Toys so far. I dunno if we're gonna try to collect them all but getting chicky nugs from McDonalds is so much easier than making dinner.

Then I laid on the couch and thought about how I should be editing a fic with the change to the backstory that I came up with recently. And watched more IASIP. And now I'm in bed.

[weathergirl8]

Mental Health Is A B!%&#

- Major Depressive Disorder

- Generalized Anxiety Disorder

- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

You all have heard me use the words depression, anxiety, and OCD. These three disorders are the official names of my mental health battle. I saw my first psychiatrist Tuesday and she confirmed that these three are the ones calling the shots at the moment.

This has been an uphill battle and one that isn't even close to being finished yet, but on a day where I'm feeling some positivity and hope I just wanted to share it!

We're changing up my meds and hoping that with therapy and regular psychiatrist visits we will get this under control.

I have been working tirelessly to pull myself out of this darkness that is without fail exhausting EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I am entering my third week of a reduced work schedule. I feel very blessed to work for a company that I do. My normal day-to-day life with mental health included consists of working at least 8 or 9 hours a day at the bank, doing my required responsibilities for the weather page I forecast for, and then complete required school work. I've been drowning. My bosses took note along with my HR lady and they approached me with a temporary fix. At first, I was going to apply for short-term disability, which in itself was a stressful and anxiety-induced process. However, President Biden passed more Covid legislation and within that is coverage for Emergency Pay Hours. Cue no longer needing short-term disability and now I am able to draw from these 480 hours of time. I am currently working roughly 20 hours a week and the Covid hours are replacing the rest of my 40 hour total pay at two-thirds of my normal salary. Up until this week, I've been using my PTO to pay for the difference. So this week and going forward is especially scary because even though my mental health is taking over my life the bills are still coming. They don't get a break.

If you've stayed with me this long, I thank you.

I thank you for being my sounding board when some of you were/are struggling as well. I thank you for reminding me to keep breathing when on certain nights I just didn't see the point. I have so many names I want to highlight as a thank you for reaching out (@godsliltippy @janetm74 @willow-salix @dragonoffantasyandreality @bonsaiiiiiii @ak47stylegirl to name a few that have popped in my inbox regularly), but there are so many more. I really want to give a HUGE squid-sized shout-out to @misssquidtracy.

Squiddy, without your constant encouragement I don't think I would've fought as hard as I have had to the last two months. I wouldn't have fought to find a new therapist. I wouldn't have fought to find a psychiatrist. I firmly believe I would've taken my life a while ago. You know when those days were. When certain members of my family weren't there like they should've been.

In a world where mental health is often seen as "seeking attention", I am incredibly thankful for the Thunderfam for not treating me as such. This is hands down my worst bout of battling my mental health. It has never incapacitated me to this degree before.

I am currently focused on trying to get my head on straight and have my eyes on the next five weeks. In five weeks I will graduate from junior college with my associate's degree and if I am in a stable mind by Fall, I will attend Northern Ilinois University to finish the rest of my bachelor's degree in Meteorology.

I pray that I am finally on a good path. I pray that my rituals get under control. I pray that my depression doesn't derail all the hard work I've accomplished in everything and mostly school. I'm so close to closing part of my school chapter that I thought I would NEVER see. I want to cry at how close I am. Five years ago I almost completely gave up on my dream and school. Now I am so close to having what no one in my family has accomplished - a degree of any sort. It might be an associate's degree, but to me, it means the world and my bachelor's will be unimaginable.

[words-for-holland]

Quarantine Series: Burnt Out

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Y/N has to work from home during Quarantine, but when she gets extremely busy it’s up to Tom to find a way to help her relax .

A/N: This is my second attempt at this piece. Last time I created this it was super long but it got deleted 😩

Check the Rest: Burnt Out | A New Look | Secret Cuts & Kisses | Breaking Friendships |The Birthday Week | Movie Night | Silence is Golden?|

All Y/N ever wanted was an opportunity to work from home. Then again, who wouldn't want that opportunity? All she could think about was how nice it’d be to work in the comfort of her own home, not have to dress up in business professional clothing, and most importantly be surrounded by the people she cared for the most. But as the saying goes, “Be careful for what you wish for.”

When a global pandemic decided to take over 2020, Y/N certainly got her wish. Her company was forced to work from home until further notice, but what she didn’t expect was the amount of work she would be given. Y/N was pulled from project to project with deadlines thin as paper, and was expected to pick up the extra work of those that were no longer with the company. There was no time to catch a breath, and there certainly was no time to spend with her beloved boyfriend, Tom. This only made Y/N more depressed and made the Holland boys only more concerned.

“Mate, you got to get her to take a break. She’s gonna overdo it.” Harrison commented to his best friend, as they watched Y/N type away like a zombie from the kitchen.

“You think I don’t know that?!” Tom responded with a defeated sigh. “Every time I ask her, she always brushes it off and claims shes fine. Don't get me wrong, Im proud of her and admire her work ethic, but damn its sucking the life out of her.”

Both Harrison and Tom continued to observe Y/N with a cup of tea on hand, wondering how long it would take before she snapped. Tom hated seeing her like this. To him this wasn’t fair. It’s not fair that her 8 hour shift now became a 15 hr shift. Its not fair that she had to work 3 weekends straight, and it certainly wasn’t fair that her company took precious time away to be together. It was hard enough already that he couldn’t spend time with Y/N like a normal boyfriend would because of filming. Now, that he has the opportunity to make up for the lost time, it’s taken away.

“What if you surprised her?” Harrison quipped.

Tom looked up at his best friend with curious eyes. It took a few minutes to sink in, until the brightest idea figuratively smacked him in the face. “Yeah...yeah!” he responded, a smile forming “And I think I know exactly how to do it.”

As Tom was working through the thought process of his brilliant plan, his younger brother entered the kitchen, looking for his usual afternoon snack. “Hey, does anyone know where —. Oh no...” Harry groaned as he looked up at Tom and Harry. “Whatever it is that you two are planning...Leave me out of it.”

“Come on, mate. You dont even know what were planning.” Harrison defended

“Believe me, I know enough and any plan that involves you in it, is likely to fail 99.9% of the time.” Harry opened up his bag of crisps as he continued to list out the other 99 possible reason why they should have left Y/N alone like she wanted. “Cmon guys, you know how she gets. When she doesnt want to be bothered, she doesnt want to be bothered.”

“You’re right Harry, but she’s so stressed, she’s homesick, and one day she’s going to overdo it. Id be a shit boyfriend, if I let it happen.” Tom reasoned. “Look, Im not trying to do anything crazy here. I just want to give her that sense of comfort and see her relax.”

Harry looked at his brother and then at Harrison, both displaying their best puppy dog eyes, in hopes that he’ll join in. “The face doesnt work on me...but I’ll help for Y/N’s sake.”

Meanwhile, Y/N continued her work in the living room, her eyes firmly glued to the computer screen. After being dragged into the kitchen and the Holland plan, Tuwaine slowly made his way to Y/N. “Hey Y/N.” he happily greeted. “I think it’s time for you get some fresh air, don’t you think?”

Y/N looked up, her glasses slightly shifting forward down her nose. “You know theres this thing called being stuck in Quaratine right?” she responded, continuing to code her project.

“I think the real question is do you really want to work here when there’s just nothing but CONSTANT NOISE !” Tuwaine yelled out, hoping the others would catch on.

“What?!” Tom yelled back. It took him some time to realize what Tuwaine meant by his statement. “Oh...Right!” Quickly, Tom grabbed whatever pot or pan he could grab his hands on and dropped them on the counter. Harrison and Harry gave Tom the strangest look. “What? I gave him some noise?”, he shrugged.

“See?” Tuwaine smiled back at Y/N. “You wouldnt want to distract that working brain of yours with all this going on, right?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows as Tuwaine as she looked at him and the closed off kitchen. Did they think she was born yesterday? Of course she knew they were up to something. None of the boys were subtle enough to keep everything hush hush.

Y/N shook her head and decided to just go with it. The faster she complied, the faster they’d leave her alone, which only meant more time to finish her work. Tuwaine helped carry her laptop, mouse, and charger to the porch as he led her outside. “See, arent you glad your outside, breathing in fresh air with no distractions?”, Tuwaine spoke out.

Y/N took her time to admire the view. “Wow”, she whispered under her breath. Y/N couldnt remember the last time she set foot outdoors. Seeing the sunlight hit the flower beds, the gentle breeze rustle through the grass; it was beautiful. Of course, the moment was short lived with a simple ding, which only multiplied by the second.

Y/N dripped her head back, trying to rub out the frustration from her face. “Yes, well it was fun while it lasted. Duty calls.”

“Im sure they wouldnt mind if you just took five minutes for yourself at least.” Tuwaine commented, feeling bad about the amount of work he saw popping up on your screen.

“Yeah well that’s Corporate for you. Doesnt matter if you’re 500 km away or if a virus is hurting the population. If you’re not working, you’re useless.” Y/N shrugs. It wasn’t like her company was completely evil, this was just how business worked.

“I know Y/N, and we all see that you care deeply about your work but we’re all so worried about you too. We want you to be mentally okay as well. I know Tom is worried about you the most...He misses you, you know.”

Y/N’s heart dropped the second she heard him say it. She knew that all of this was gonna take some time away from Tom, but she hadn’t realized how much he would be missing her, even though they’re living under the same roof. “Yeah I miss him too, more than anyone will know. Believe me.” Y/N pondered for a moment as she stared at the work in front of her. Perhaps five minutes couldn’t hurt. “Maybe I will take that break after all.”

“Really?”, Tuwaine was surprised she had agreed so quickly, and at the same time he panicked. Tom and the others were not ready for Y/N’s surprise yet. “On second thought, Im wrong. You should keep going and try to finish up that project of yours or else you’ll never be done.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N asked as she tried to close her laptop. “You just spent a whole half hour trying to convince me to stop working, and now you want me to go back and work?”

“Yeah..I mean what do I know, right?” He laughed nervously. Tuwaine looked back at the door, for some sort of signal. Come on man it’s not like your preparing a break for the Queen of England.

“Listen Tuwaine, if I go back there and you boys break anything in that house...I swear— I’ll”

“Y/N!” Tom interjected as he stepped out to the porch. He wrapped his arms behind her waist, giving her a gently kiss on the top of her head. “How’s work, my pretty girl?” He looked back at Tuwaine and mouthed a thank you to him as he left the love birds alone.

Y/N turned around to face Tom, taking in his features and running her hands at the nape of his neck. “Busy, but what else is new? I’ve been missing you a whole lot”

“Me too, darling. Anyway, Im really hoping you can take a break from all this because I’ve got something special for you.”

“Oh no, babe. You know you didnt have to anything for me. Really Im fine..I-“

“I wanted to. In fact the boys wanted in on it too. So this is really from all of us, if you think about it.” Tom grabbed Y/N’s hand as he led her back in to house. “Come.”

As they both enetered the house hand in hand, Tom led Y/N into the kitchen, where the rest of the boys waited with diner burgers in hand and warm homemade chocolate chip cookies on the side of table. What seemed like a simple meal was a cure for any bad day..at least for Y/N it was. It represented a sense of home for her, while being far from Jersey. Even though she hadnt realized it, Tom and the boys knew she needed it. “Wow” Y/N breathed “I...I dont know what to say.”

“Dont say, just eat” Harrison laughed. “In all honesty this was Tom’s idea. We just wanted to make sure you had the support you need.”

“Yeah you deserve this, so please enjoy it.” Harry added. With that, everyone dug in and bonded over a family dinner, sharing laughs and stories. Tom leaned toward Y/N whispering in her ear, “I have a few more surprises after this.”

The next few surprises did not disappointment. He set up a nice warm bath for the two of them to relax and enjoy each others compny. A few subtle kisses, laughter, and silence was shared between the two. Y/N leaned back into Tom’s chest, feeling the water gently flow back and forth. Breathing in and out, she had forgotten how good this felt. Being close to Tom, was a different experience, one that no one could ever do justice. This was what she really needed.

After the bath, Tom led her into their shared bedroom. For a moment, Y/N stopped him as she pulled his head down to hers, giving him the kiss he rightfully deserved. Her lips crashed with his, his hands gently holding the sides of her tiny face. He picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and situated themselves on the bed. Reluctantly, they both pulled away, catching their breath. Their foreheads touching and noses gently rubbing the others. “I love you. I love you more than you could possibly know.” Y/N whispered to him

“And I love you. I just want to give you the world because you deserve it all. My hardworking pretty girl.” Of course all good things must come to an end.

After a great well spent break was shared between Y/N and Tom, she was back on the work grind. Only this time she was working in their room as Tom was reading a script for his next upcoming project. The more Y/N coded, the sleepier she was getting. It onyl took a few minutes before she started leaning into Tom and her eyes started to flutter. Her breaths became slower and she was out like a light.

Tom turned to look at Y/N, smiling to see the sight of her finally at peace. He removed her glasses and set them by her table side. Tom made sure to clock her out of work abd checked to see if her work was saved. Just as he was about to turn off her laptop, another message popped up. “Great”, he muttered, rolling his eyes at the fact her team is still working at this hour. He couldnt help but read it though. Just how badly did they need her anyway?

We all know how hard you’re working and going above and beyond to get these projects out the door. For that, we thank you! On behalf of the company we’d like you all to take a day off on us!

Tom smiled, relieved that shell finally get some time for herself. Feeling triumphant, he shut off her laptop and set it aside. Crawling back into the bed and covering themselves under the blanket. His arms wrapped her waist once again. “Goodnight, my love. Im so proud of you.” he whispered.

[draganasimpsforjeff]

Hunting Dogs: Chapter Nine (proxies x reader)

ou waited for your mother with your earphones in, playing your F/S and look around occasionally. You didn't know how long you were going to be at her house, but you didn't want to pack too much and at the same time leave enough behind in case those psychos wanted to gain information on you.

You use to not be like this, but ever since the move you have changed, maybe it was because the adult life and the stress that came with it, but before here; you were a bright student, with at least one failing grade but your school let everyone graduate the year even with one failing subject, you were creative and loved to take pictures around the town you use to live in, ambition was a strong suit of yours, though it would also get you into trouble. Like, you desired and kept pushing to leave your mother's to this city...and after only a while this shit happens with being chased.

A bit of a curious cat as well, but it helps with your imaginative side...something you had lose through the transition, sure, you could definitely pick it up again, but recently it was like your head was in a constant fog and everything you use to love was like a smudge? You always use to try to stay positive as that was how your mother raised you.

After the incident with your father and the fall of his death....it was like the sun split in half, cracks falling off while staying still until it fell, casting your whole life into darkness. If it did get lighter- it was just grey.

God, how depressing I've become. You snickered, jumping at the sound of a honk. You look over, seeing your mother wave frantically from the drivers seat and your lips crack into a grin. One you haven't shared in a long time. You run over, opening the door to her car and nearly knocked her out as you swing your bag into the backseat, but she dodged in time and pulls you into a tight hug. "Oh, honey, I've missed you so much!" you smile and pull away from her, settling into the seat, "yeah, I've missed you too, ma."

You send a text to your boss about how there was an 'family emergency' and that you had to leave for a week, along with an apology, which you let out a sigh of relief when he said that Kristine would be able to cover for you and that he hopes everything would be okay.  "So, you never told me. Have you met anyone?" she smiles, nudging your arm and you roll your eyes, "Yeah, definitely, while working full time and barely having a personal life." you said sarcastically.

"Well, the twenty-minutes I've been passing through I've seen a lot of good looking people, tell me that there's no way you have someone on your mind." she signals and turns to the next lane, taking an exit. You thought about the men and how you thought one of them was cute, but too bad they were trying to fucking kill you! "No, mom. I haven't."

She sighs, dropping the conversation, "Okay, so how's work? Not too stressful? Pays enough?" she asks and you scoot up on the seat, looking around at passing cars, the trees, and then finally the clouds. The sun was trying to break the grey that the clouds have cast over the city the last week. You smile weakly, it feels like everything was starting to fit and you are glad that your mom called.

You roll down the windows enough to where you can leave your hand out, the wind pushing against your hand and you smile, feeling free from the shit behind you. "Yeah, it's not too stressful. It's a job so, obviously I can't escape it if there is a problem and I make tips so it makes up for the minimum wage part. Everyone's pretty nice." you giggle, thinking about Mr. Saka. What the hell is he going to do while I'm gone?

But then you broke into a frown, remembering the last call you had from him...about his wife.

Your mom notices and looks over at you before, taking a turn. "What's wrong, hunny?" she asks, making you sigh. "There's this older guy, he's a great customer; a regular, actually and one I've become close to, but his wife died last night, I think or maybe the day before? I don't remember. "

Maybe I should give him a call when I get to the old place. Just to check on him and also let him know I won't be back for a week.

"Oh, that's horrible." Your mom was a pretty soft person and not in a ad why but she could be very sympathetic and understanding, which was a good quality, but sometimes you wonder if it's a bit much...but who were you to judge? Maybe it was the bitterness getting to you that makes you a little uneasy around her.

Man, the city really does change you.

"It is." you said simply, looking down at her phone, seeing maps was open and that you were forty minutes away from your old home. "I think when we get there, I'll make us something to eat and sometime today, you should get some sleep. I can see bags on your eyes." You nod. Sleep sounds wonderful right now. How much have you gotten the last few days? Maybe a total of like 20 hrs? When the recommended hours of sleep was 8, you would get between 3-6 hours of nightmares mixed in with you being unconscious.

Hopefully this will be a quick ride. You slowly close your eyes while your mom was droning about the local market, being upgraded and you chuckle before dozing off.

The sound of tires screeching and something bumping into the car jolts you awake. You look around, focusing your eyes and notice the windshield was broken, smoke was coming out from under the hood and there was a red Nissan that hit the front of the car. How does that happen?! Where are we!?  You look over and see your mom with a bleeding head and her eyes closed. "NO! Mom! no, please!" You struggle to take your seat belt off as you hear sirens and reach over to check her pulse.

There was none. Suddenly the passenger side door opens and arms pull you out, you struggle, kicking and screaming for them to let you go. You couldn't see their face as your back was against their chest. You look over at the Nissan. It looks fine besides the huge dent in the front and there was no one inside. You look back over at your moms car and tears run down your cheek, "NO! MY MOM!" but a hand clamps over your mouth and a vehicle you didn't see earlier was in your sight now as you got directed towards it. You elbow the guy and kick his knee, sending him to let go and hit the ground.

Just as you turn around, your heart leaps out of your chest. It was him. It was fucking him! The guy with the side burns!

"I'll get you! Don't think for a fucking minute that you're safe!" The man with the white mask growled, shaking the bars.

You gasp and turn around, heading straight for the Nissan. You didn't want to leave your mother but the sirens were coming closer and you knew she would be taken care of, surely you would get a call or something from the hospital soon to let you know whether or not she was okay. You turn the key in the ignition and that's when you saw the other two.

"You're fucking dead bitch! Just like your mom!" the boy twitches in excitement and throws the hatchet into the Nissan's tires, the front of the car lowering on your side and you curse. How the hell are you going to make it out alive?

You search around the car, under the seats, glove compartment, back seats but there was nothing there. Like there was no one inside here previously....those fuckers!

You look back at them with immense heat in your glare, which you were sure they were only grinning like blood thirsty animals. They have trapped their prey. They move closer to the car and jump out of it, almost losing your balance but they were too quick and the one with black mask and red eyes grabs a hold of you, slamming you down against the ground so hard that you lose your vision for a moment.

"You have made our lives a living fucking hell, YOU KNOW THAT!?" A punch was sent straight into your face with enough force that a 'crack' was heard, blood gushed from your nose and down your throat, but you swallowed, tasting the metallic. "Your life?" you let out a laugh but it held no humor, shaking your head as you stare up at the man. "You guys have been chasing me since day one!"

"Because you are a witness!" The guy with the sideburns hissed while the twitchy guy pulls his hatchet out of the tire of the car. "You're fucking murderers!"

"And yet, you would think to keep you goddamn mouth shut!" red eyes said before picking up up and right as he did, a syringe with silver almost greyish hint liquid was jammed into your left arm and while you fought as hard as you could, your system shut down and all you could see was their faces gets smaller, the black borders growing bigger until you went limp.

"Let's get to the car. " Masky says while Hoodie carried Y/N's body into the backseat of the car they have stolen. Toby sat in the backseat along with Y/N. The car was started as Hoodie slid into the passengers seat. "Are you sure you're okay to drive?" He asks and Masky nods. "I took meds before I got out to help you with the fucking prick."

Hoodie nods and stares outside the window as Masky rolls out of the shadows that they hid their getaway car in and drives back to one of their locations.

[gothgirlmahi]

Wallflower Chapter 1

New series!

Bucky x Reader

Summary: You meet a man at a party neither of you wants to be at.

Warnings: Smut

You weren’t even supposed to be here.

Your boss dragged you here when his boyfriend bailed last minute. He really wasn’t even invited, he was just a journalist. The only reason you went was because he begged and begged and—

“Please please please I can’t go alone, I’ll owe you, I swear.” Having someone like Carter owe you sounded good so you prettied yourself up and you both got into an Uber to Avengers Tower for a fundraiser. Higher ups wanted Carter to cover it himself and, if possible, get an interview with Tony Stark. Considering your line of work, you knew Tony Stark wasn’t exactly amiable to every reporter so you wished him luck.

You walked into a room full of flashing lights, rich people meandering around wearing their best, and waiters carrying around foods you couldn’t even identify. Pretentious snobs. Definitely not your crowd. You knew you probably stuck out a bit. Even wearing the best dress you owned, you couldn’t compete with some of these people. You supposed it didn’t matter because you weren’t one of these people and it was only one night.

Carter tapped you on the shoulder and pointed further in the room. At the center of a crowd of people was Tony Stark himself, smirking and obviously trying to get out of the crowd.

“Oof. I’ve handled bigger crowds for lesser celebrities. Time to start elbowing.” Carter ran off on his mission, quite literally leaving you in the middle of a room with nothing to do. You don’t know what you expected, but it wasn’t this.

Cutting through the rest of the crowd was easy enough as you made your way to a spot that wasn’t as busy. The bar looked enticing but it seemed too early to start drinking so you propped yourself against the wall and started scrolling through your phone.

Something in the corner of your eye caught your attention. A quick peek over revealed a man leaning on the wall a few yards away. Handsome. Thick hair that rested just above his shoulders. Brooding. Hands in pockets. Scowl etched on his face.

Very interesting.

His gaze met yours. Even in the darkened room you could make out the color of his eyes. The steel blue flickered over your form briefly before returning his gaze to the ground. You shifted a bit closer to him, not close enough to be weird, but enough that he could hear you talk over the music.

A waiter walked by with a tray of some sort of food you couldn’t even identify. You sighed deeply, turning back to your silent friend.

“I would kill for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

You almost hit yourself. Would that joke even land with him? Well, it was hardly a joke, but still. He might have been a snob, too, or actually here of his own free will. Maybe he didn’t like peanut butter and jelly. Maybe he was allergic to peanuts. Not even an hour in and you were fucking up. You never were good at networking anyway. In the midst of beating yourself up, you saw the tiniest upward curve reach his lips. Those plump pink lips.

God, he was pretty.

It wasn’t fair. You were almost mad because his eyelashes were longer than yours and his hair was perfectly framing his shoulders while your own style seemed to be falling apart by the minute. He was obviously well put together, at least on the outside. He wasn’t dressed as fancy as some of the others, but his physique more than made up for it. Just a plain but elegant blazer, dress shirt and some straight legged dress pants.

He was your only interest in the crowded room and you wanted to make him smile again. You slid closer until you were about four feet apart.

“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing in a place like this?” you asked him.

That was bad. So bad it was good. It was a line you liked to use. Usually went okay. He exhaled, holding back a laugh with a gorgeous smirk on his face.

“I bet you say that to all the fellas.”

His voice was low and gruff, like he didn’t use it often, but warm with mirth. You gave him a wink.

“Just the cute ones. But really, what brings you here?”

He looked confused for a moment before giving a shrug.

“I’m an Avenger.”

You took a better look at him and your heart nearly stopped. The long hair, minimal talking, and general angst emanating from him threw you. Was that James Barnes? Did you just try a pickup line on the goddamn Winter Soldier? You had called the Winter Soldier a pretty little thing. He was, but that wasn’t something you just came out and said. Your big mouth was always getting you in trouble.

This was the same man you learned about in school. Or would have learned about if you had been paying attention. It took everything in you not to outwardly cringe.

“Sergeant Barnes, I am so sorry. I did not recognize you. It’s dark in here, I’m not a weirdo. I mean, maybe a little, but I’m not some kind of—I’m rambling, sorry for that, too. Jesus, fuck, I’m gonna shut up now.”

He laughed, a proper one this time. At your expense. You supposed if you were going to be a clown, he was as good an audience as any. Now seemed like a good time to curl up and never face the outside world again so you stepped off the wall, ready to leave and find a new spot.

“Hey, wait. I’m sorry for laughing. It’s just the face you made. I’m not a jerk, I swear. Geez, now I’m rambling. I’m Bucky.”

He held out his hand and you shook it firmly.

“Okay, Bucky, didn’t your mama ever teach you not to make fun of young ladies spilling their hearts out to you?”

He straightened up with a faux serious face.

“You’re right. My ma would kill me. It’s not like I have too many ladies spilling their hearts to me, though, so call me out of practice.”

“Hard to believe. Look over there,” you gestured to a woman eyeing him, “red dress wants you bad.” Bucky didn’t even look at the woman, just shook his head. You gave him your name, trying to be polite and get introductions out of the way. He didn’t seem like much of a talker but that was okay because you talked too much. Especially when you were nervous.

While you were contemplating possible escape routes, he asked why you were here.

“Boss dragged me here. Needed a date. Sounds like an HR disaster, right? He’s a journalist. Well, we both are I guess, but I don’t cover things like this. He wants to cover this whole ‘Tony Stark raising money for the kids’ thing but these days I’m more like ‘what kind of bread are you based on your zodiac sign?’”

“I think I’m a Pisces?”

“You’re a sturdy looking fella, I think you’re rye.”

“That’s what journalism is these days?”

“I used to do political stuff and it quite literally depressed me because everyone is awful all the time. So I hopped companies and ended up with my current gig.”

You could barely remember how you ended up leaving the room with him.

Let it be known that you were not a fan of one night stands. The idea of sharing bodily fluids with absolute strangers triggered your fight or flight response. But somehow, you were able to make an exception for Bucky Barnes as you all fumbled into the elevator and out into his darkened room.

The reason you were here was forgotten as soon as Bucky had his hands on you. Roaming around and exploring what made you tick. He seemed apprehensive about using his metal arm to touch you so you pulled it forward to join the other one. It was a welcome reprieve considering the rest of him was just so hot and the metal was so cool.

He used those same fingers to bring you over the edge twice before he got his mouth on you. The same mouth you were raving about earlier with those plump lips and a tongue that drove you crazy. A tongue that lashed against your most sensitive parts before his mouth came down and sucked hard, drawing agonizing moans from you.

He pulled away before you came again, face covered in you and gave you a winning smile. You didn’t return his grin, just further down until you were eye level with his twitching cock. Thick and begging for your lips wrapped around it. You couldn’t fit all of him in your mouth so you took what you could, hollowing your cheeks and sucking while your hand did the rest. His flesh arm came to rest gently in your hair as he bucked into your mouth, letting the smallest moans escape his lips. A peek up at him and his eyes were closed, head back as he savored the feeling of your mouth around him.

You pulled away and ran your tongue up the base of his cock. Bucky helped you to your feet and laid you across his bed. You laid there, legs open and waiting while he fished through his drawer for a condom.

When he finally pushed into you, you made a noise you didn’t even know you were capable of. There was just so much of him and you hadn’t gotten laid in a while. You ran your hands up and down his perfectly sculpted body. The bed creaked from the force of his thrusts.

The whole super soldier thing hadn’t really registered with you until now. He took you like no other man ever had.

In the aftermath of your sexcapades, the two of you were laid back on the bed, just trying to catch your breath. You glanced over at Bucky and smiled. He gave you a shy smile and looked down, making you giggle a bit.

Then your phone rang. The momentary bliss was over as you reached for your purse on the floor and answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Did you leave me?!” Carter.

“No, no! I’m still here, I’ll come find you. Did you get the interview?” you asked.

“Yes! And I had to go through Natasha Romanoff to get it and nearly pissed myself so I am ready to leave!”

“Okay, just wait in the lobby for me. I’ll be down soon.”

When you hung up, you looked back at Bucky.

“I gotta go,” you said regretfully. He nodded.

“Your boss looking for you?”

“Yup,” you stood up, looking around for your clothes and Bucky did the same. When the two of you were dressed, he decided to walk you out.

Before you could hit the button for the elevator, Bucky was calling your name.

“I think I did this sorta backwards, but I have to ask. Could I get your number? I’d like to take you out sometime. If you want that, of course. You don’t have to—“

Your jaw nearly dropped to the floor.

“Of course!” You probably said it a little too quickly but he didn’t look deterred. He handed you his phone and you entered your contact info happily. When you gave his phone back, he tuned it in his pocket, leaving both of you to stare at each other.

Seeing him in the bright light of the hallway was honestly stunning. He was extremely attractive. And he had asked you out! Well, he asked for your number to ask you out. Either way, you were happy.

He pressed a kiss to your cheek and you tsked at him.

“A kiss on the cheek? You’re shy all of a sudden, that’s adorable.”

“You wanted something else?” he asked playfully. You shrugged, giving him a dopey smile.

“Maybe I—“

Your phone buzzed.

“Go get back to your boss. I’ll call you tomorrow,” Bucky said, pressing the button for the elevator. Before the doors opened, he pulled you in for a hug and pressed a kiss to your lips. You kissed him once more before hopping in the elevator.

On the way down you did a little happy dance.

This was absolutely a good day for you.

As soon as you stepped out, Carter ran over to you, cheeks flushed and his dark hair messy.

“I was so scared—wait, what happened to your hair? What have you been up to? Did you—“

“Uh. We have work in the morning. Let’s go.”

“You left with...someone while I was in there risking my life. If I wasn’t so impressed I would be mad, but you’re right, let’s go.”

“You’re being dramatic. Natasha Romanoff wouldn’t hurt you. In public.”

“You don’t know that!”

....

Masterlist // Chapter 2

[fandom-necromancer]

A fresh Start 2

This was prompted by an amazing anon! I hope you enjoy!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900

It had become quite late as they had finished talking and Gavin had offered Nines to stay the night. Not that the android really needed to sleep, but he appreciated the gesture. He was given a pillow and blanket – useless if he could just enter stasis standing somewhere in the corner – and was shown the sofa. Nines sighed as he sat down and angled the pillow against the armrest. It was… nice after all. And certainly the better option knowing Connor and Hank would bombard him with questions once he came home. Like this he at least had the night to think about the right words to explain what happened and at the same time not betray the newfound trust the Detective had put in him.

By the time Gavin awakened, he still hadn’t found them. They shared little words while the human got ready for work and offered to drive them both as he would be driving anyways. When they entered the precinct, all attention shifted towards them. Gavin ignored all the looks thrown his way although Nines could clearly see his shoulders tense and his head duck a bit. He himself tried to follow his partner’s lead to get to their desks and may have kept his posture a bit straighter than it normally was. He guessed after yesterday it was normal for them to be curious. It likely would take a few days until they had forgotten about-

‘Nines!’ The android looked up and saw Fowler standing at the door of his glass cube. ‘To my office!’ Nines shared a look with Gavin before making his way over there. ‘Captain Fowler’, he greeted the man and immediately the glass frosted over for more privacy. ‘Nines’, the Captain nodded back. ‘Care to explain what happened yesterday?’ ‘Gavin had… a lot of feelings, none of them good. I believe they overwhelmed him after you ordered a suspension, Sir. It was just another example of him lashing out.’ The man fixed him with his eyes and pursed his lips. ‘I don’t think so, RK. I’ve known the boy for a while know. In many aspects he is like a son to me. That yesterday looked far too serious for just one of his… tantrums.’ ‘It… was’, was everything Nines dared to say to that. He promised to keep Gavin’s secret and he wouldn’t break it, not even to Fowler.

‘He didn’t hurt you, did he?’, Fowler asked, standing up now. ‘You have to tell me or HR if he did. I am willing to turn a blind eye to most of his shit, but I won’t stand for that.’ ‘No’, Nines spoke up clearly. ‘No, he didn’t hurt me in any way, though I believe I hurt him.’ Fowler lifted a brow. ‘Not physically’, Nines explained. ‘But I think I failed to see all the consequences of my actions towards him.’ The Captain sat down on the edge of his table now, his body language telling Nines this wasn’t at all a formal meeting as Detective and Captain of the 5th precinct. This was… personal. ‘He didn’t look hurt to me when you two came in just now. And you came at exactly the same time when Connor and Hank arrived a lot earlier. Don’t you all live together?’ Nines didn’t know what to say to that and Fowler misunderstood: ‘I don’t need to know what you people do in your free time as long as it doesn’t concern work. But if it endangers the integrity of my officers, I need to know. In which way did you think you hurt Detective Reed?’

Nines looked him in the eye, thinking hard about how much he could tell. He remembered what Gavin had unveiled to him yesterday. ‘You do know Gavin has mental illnesses recognised in his patient’s file, don’t you?’ As his employer, Fowler should know that at least, so he didn’t have to straight up lie to his superior. ‘Yes, I know’, the man sighed. ‘He has problems arising from his upbringing. He… he never told me what happened exactly, but his father is a real asshole.’ ‘You met him?’, Nines asked in surprise. ‘Yeah, when Gavin was promoted to Detective Tina decided to celebrate. I was invited, too, as well as Gavin’s family. They… Well, let’s say they were the first ones to leave again.’ Nines nodded. ‘Well, let’s say I triggered some of these issues with my behaviour. But after my shift ended I visited him to apologise and we… we talked about it. I think now that I know what to look out for, something like yesterday won’t happen again.’

‘I appreciate your effort, Nines’, Fowler said. ‘Just… You do know you don’t have to? If you don’t feel comfortable with this, I can assign different partners to you two. Or even offer a transfer.’ ‘I know’, Nines dismissed the thought. ‘But I don’t want to. I think it would do Gavin good to have a partner for longer than a few months – someone he can confide in. I like working with the Detective and if anything our talk reassured me I want to continue working beside him.’ Nines had expected many things at that, but not a warm smile from the Captain and a strong hand on his shoulder. ‘This is really good to hear’, Fowler sighed. ‘I knew it was a good decision to partner you up. I hoped you were stubborn enough to put up with the challenge. He really needs a partner. He really needs a friend. He is a good man, always was. He just needs someone to see his qualities.’ Nines nodded and thought about what Gavin had told him the day before. Maybe he couldn’t fix the man. But maybe he didn’t have to when all he needed was someone to listen. ‘I hope I can be that friend’, he simply said and looked up as Fowler stood to walk back around his chair. ‘Then I wish you luck and endurance’, The Captain sighed again, clearing the glass. ‘That would be all.’

-

Gavin hadn’t asked what the meeting was about. Maybe he wasn’t interested. Maybe he already guessed it. They worked together on their cases, Gavin signing everything off to him so that he had access to what he needed during his suspension from the job next week. Everything went smoothly and something akin to a normal working atmosphere had settled in quickly enough to brush over what happened yesterday. When Gavin left work early, Nines wished him a nice weekend and was already back to work as Connor strolled over. ‘You alright, Nines?’, he asked. ‘Yes, I am, why do you ask?’ ‘Well, after what happened yesterday and… you didn’t come home. I thought maybe you could need someone to speak with?’ ‘I’m fine, Connor. I just misjudged Gavin, that is all.’ Connor wordlessly held out his hand to interface and Nines looked at it for a few seconds. Then he looked over to Hank. The man had been depressed for several years and only just now showed signs of becoming better. Maybe Connor’s insight on the matter would help. ‘Connor, I trust you not to tell anyone about this, alright? I need you to keep quiet. Can you do that for me?’ The RK800 nodded and Nines took his hand. Interfacing was likely the fastest way of communicating. It could send emotions, memories and thoughts to another person in the blink of an eye. And still it needed a few moments for Nines to convey to Connor everything that plagued him at the moment.

When they disconnected, Connor blinked a few times, aimlessly staring at Gavin’s desk. ‘He never appeared to me as a person of such depth.’ ‘Really?’, Nines asked. ‘What did you think he was?’ ‘Just the regular asshole?’, Connor shrugged, realising only then how bad that sounded. ‘I never had much to do with him. We only ever met if he stood in my way.’ Nines grimaced. ‘Do the others think like this too?’ ‘I guess so. And after what you showed me I realise we might be part of the problem.’

‘Well, I don’t blame you’, Nines tried to comfort the gradually more and more distressed android. ‘You couldn’t have known he wasn’t just the regular asshole.’ ‘But I do blame myself, Nines!’, Connor commented, leaning against his desk. ‘I’m supposed to pick up such things. I’m part negotiator unit.’ ‘It wasn’t your mission.’ ‘But what about now? Since I’m deviant missions doesn’t matter anymore.’ ‘He hid it well.’ ‘Could you please stop trying to find excuses for me?!’, Connor exploded, quickly gathering his bearings afterwards. ‘Sorry.’ ‘I will stop if you stop finding reasons why it would be your fault.’ Nines sighed. ‘I guess his family is at fault. But… Damn, I don’t know anymore. I want to concentrate on making it better, not find the person who is to blame and hand them over to the Detective. I truly doubt that will help.’

‘Yes, yes you’re right…’ Connor scratched his forehead and took out his coin to let it slide over his knuckles a few times. ‘Nines, I promise to try and help you. Maybe I can try set an example for the others? If someone starts being friendly maybe the rest will follow?’ ‘That’s the strategy I went with’, Nines smirked. ‘And I see it’s working, so go for it.’ Connor chuckled. ‘I will. Err… and Nines?’ ‘Yes?’ ‘Could you tell him I’m sorry?’ ‘For what?’ ‘He’ll know for what, Nines. Just… I can’t do it face to face yet. We don’t exactly trust each other.’ ‘Alright, I will.’ Connor smiled, before heading over to his own desk where Hank was standing up. ‘Thank you, Nines! And good luck!’

Nines shook his head and shut down his workstation. Why did everyone wish him good luck lately? Gavin wasn’t a dangerous animal or some inscrutable person. He obviously simply needed someone to trust and confide in. And Nines would try his best to be exactly that.

[switcher666]

First post: ⚠️ 1st warning ⚠️ triggering content “committing not alive” “sharp things” “addiction to things” “harmful” “Sad”

— — — — —

⚠️ 2nd warning! ⚠️

This is going to be emotional to certain people and this is my story. I’ve dealt with a lot so im going to say a lot. Remember on “UnFiltered Depression” there is no filter and your are allowed to speak your truth and admit your wrongs.

Names:

Going through school i was considered the “weird kid”, “Gothic Fag”, “That one asshole”, “The Barcode kid”, “Actual scar face”, “pin cushion”, “Scary dude”, “Austin scissor wrist”, and many.many.many more.

School:

In High school it was not easy for me. I had to keep my head down and never talk because, when i talked i got in fights I win at most of my fights but, not when I’m in my vehicle driving away and a student drives in front of me and 4 people from the car drags me out of my own car. I was gay for a year of my high school life because i was trying to find who i am and right about when i had a boyfriend for a week they break up with me because of rumors which are true. And the rumor was self harm and restoring who i was with pain, suffering, punching things, smoking cigarettes in the parking lot, telling the teachers to quote from quite “Fuck of and burn in hell where you belong.” 😬 not my proudest moment in life but, hey at least i didn’t have to go to weight class haha. I have much more and way more about my high school life but i want to keep this short and i might drop more of my stories if you are interested. And this story is based off my life in high school i graduated in 2021 and this is just a soft story compared to what i have.

Friends:

I had very little friends in my life and high school put together. And when i had my 2 best friends they were just like me all fucked up and broken like me. But I had a friend named shawn im not dropping initials or his last name but, when he was still alive he always told me to “Stay safe,live, and stop the cutting shit.” He was suffering from self harm too just like me but i was worse. I told him EVERY single day of my life “how are you feeling?” “Are you okay?” “Do you want me to help you?”. He vaped just like i did and he always wanted a aegis hero mini kit for salt “nic” and 2 weeks before we

Were about to turn into seniors i got him one from STL (St.Louis mo) and i was excited to give it to him! Then things took a change. He started to show up more limp than usual. Slouched over, eye lids dropping,straight faced, and always wore a gigantic black hoodie even when it was 90 (F) degrees outside (32 C). I know what happened. He “quit” he told me straight faced and not looking me in the eye. I cant tell the rest because im getting emotional just writing this.

He committed suicide,gashes on his wrists/arms,neck,face, and Shoulders. I never got to give it to him the vape is still in my possession and i use it still but im quitting now i only use it every 6 hrs but i stare at it and currently keeping it as a way to remember him by. I miss him everyday.I promised him 2 days before he committed suicide that i would never fight unless i have to

(I have controlled anger issues and adhd etc. and i was in boxing so i can hold my own and i would never cut or use self harm again.) i kept my promises and never broke them. Well i whooped some ass here and there but that’s because people try to gang up on me and i had a crack headish person in stl try to get in my personal space and tried to hit me with a broken plunger with spit and maaaybe shit on it 😬 trust me i 1000% had to. I often look up at the sky and pretend he’s waving at me from the clouds and i wave back like a mad man. Rest in peace my brother continue to party and drink whiskey with the angels and watch over us all.

⚠️ 3rd trigger warning ⚠️

My harm.:

Im getting this out of the way now. Yes I DID self harm but I currently am not because, the one i love with all my physical soul and passion is with me so there’s no more reasons to feel pain anymore. And i swore an oath to my partner. Also my friends who are no longer with us currently that’d i’d NEVER cut or use self harm as a “Comfort” ever again. Im going to list the things I did so you can understand how emotionally damaged i was. And you can use this as a way of looking at yourself and feeling better that your not doing these things. And I’m doing this so we can ALL open up and admit our wrongs and find a way to fix this. Not as a community but as a family. You are not alone anymore, I welcome you to your new family where you wont be judged or insulted.

⚠️ Please do NOT read these if you have a weak stomach or triggered easily ⚠️

-Cut

(face,neck,chest/stomach,shoulders, and hands,wrists)

-starved

(even when i was only 140lbs in high school)

-Punching

(punchingmyself in the face till my teeth were almost crooked and bleeding and my face looked satisfactory to me)

-Headbutting

(bricks,wood,trees, marble counter tops,cabinets. Anything that was around me.)

-Suicide

( once with a gun with no ammo and a rope that i found in my garage and has been worn to hell so it snapped)

-driving

(I left my hand off the wheel and closed my eyes for 10 seconds after i got done counting to 10 i opened my eyes and placed my hands on the wheel and repeated “I guess it wasent my time to go.”)

-Burning

( i held lighters to my skin after 15 seconds of being on them i put the flame out and place it on the most sensitive parts of my body and watched me scream and squirm with anxiety and thrill)

-Free running

(Free running is a hobby i used to do and still do whenever i get time, but back then i would “accidentally” fall off of large platforms and fail “trying” to do a back flip or a hand spring off of something)

END:

Thats it for now. Sorry for making it shortish/long posts. I still have many many many more stories unfortunately. So stick around and get help with what you or a love one needs. Remember! WE are a family and you are apart of it now. You are not alone anymore.

We love you being here and hope we get to see you another day.

MORE INFO:

Go to my snapchat:

I do face to face therapy talks on Snapchat

Monday4:00pm-9:30pm

Wednesday 5:00pm-7:30pm

Saturday 4:00pm-9:30pm

ALSO! My native tongue is only english but i do know a decent amount of Japanese. And im not promising you i know it Fluently but i know enough to help you. 😁

[elliothollandhanbury]

      I was having a night out with 7 of my friends 2 weeks before my prom. I was on my moped, my friends were all on foot. It was quite late at night, about 1:35am. One of my older friends said “Let’s go back to the park for his alcohol that he had hid in the bushes” (Winter gardens, Malvern) So we decided to all go back because that’s what friends are for! On the way there we passed a crossroads, we saw 3 people all walking towards the park! One was short & stocky about 23yrs old, another was quite tall with blonde hair medium build about 22yrs old, but there was also an older looking person who was really really big, pure muscle with solid fat about 30yrs old! I was only a young boy at 16 years old! I didn’t get a very good look but they looked very sketchy! After we had passed one of my friends said to me “they’re the worst people” I thought nothing of it really, I was quite a confident young child in my youth. When we got to the park, my friend jumped on the back of my moped & said “head towards the bridge!” I got to it, then he said cross over!

   When we had crossed the bridge, I saw those three people standing in/near the boat sheds. I pulled my bike over and stood it on It’s stand. Went to sit down, (while I took my helmet off) To wait for my friends! As I sat down I realised that (Antony Farley) The short one, who I realised was quite muscled. (Looked like he had been working out in prison) was sat on my bike! The other two approached me (John Smith & Chris (Krissy) Willis), that second I knew that I was in a very uncomfortable position, they made me feel this way! They were the worst people I had ever come across, I could tell that just by looking at them and there body language! The worst burglary sort of people, trouble anyway you look at them, murderers/tramps! (I knew I was about to get beaten up no matter what basically) I knew they were crack & heroin addicts! I wasn’t, I was only a thin normal sized kid, I thought I would “try” & talk my way out of it! There was nothing else I could really do! Everyone arrived & no one said much, I was stuck in a situation that was very difficult!

   As I was sat there everyone sat down around me including the two lads while the other one was sitting on my moped! People were just talking a bit, while I sat there trying to be quiet (But I was very worried) The big ginger one, who had “LITTLEMAN” wrote across his back (The irony was ridiculous) sat there looking depressed with hid fist leant up his face! Started talking, he was kind of wondering would I go to the police! He said something like “you think your better than me” I noticed he had a nasty gap in his teeth, I thought a bit like mine! I mentioned teeth & he looked at me like he was going to kill me” I Said “You’ll have to excuse me I’m wired” I’ve been totally clean now for 10 years, since that night! (I’ll tell you why) He said to me “Are you posh” I replied nothing because I am a bit! He said “Are you deaf” Once again I said nothing! My “friend” Danny said “he went to Grammar school” “He races motocross” I just could not believe my friend said something like that with people like this in our presence! They were the worst people ever! I said “someone got robbed at gunpoint in my yard in Birmingham” I thought I’d better say something to play myself down a bit! He started asking me about girls, saying “did I have a girlfriend!” I replied “not at the moment” he laughed at me! You could cut the tension with a knife! They were taking advantage of me! They built it up until I was too scared to do anything! I sat down in the boat shed really scared! The fat older man sat down next to me, then he squished his body up against mine! I asked him “What‘s your name“ (Squashing me against the arm rest)  He then raised his fist to my face, stood up & said “If you don’t give me the keys to your moped in 3 seconds, I’m going to plaster your face across that wall” He started counting “3...2...” I said “wait, I’ll let you have a go on it” He said “ok!”

 

   I took out my keys and walked over to my moped! (Anthony was sat on it) I put the keys in the ignition and turned it! I said to the person on my bike “do you want to borrow my helmet” me being safety conscious (I was being nice) That person tried it on & for what ever reason didn’t want to wear it! (I also knew Anthony’s name because my other friend who wasn’t with me said “He steals motorbikes, he stole my friends neighbours monkey bike a couple of days before, I don’t know how but I saw Anthony ride it down a road a few days later) Anyway he passed the helmet to Chris Willis and tried to wink before I saw past the post he was hidden behind, He didn’t put it down, so I somehow guessed that he was going to whack me with it! So I thought I’d wait for him too! Anthony pulled off on my moped into the park, Chris leant sideways a bit and swung back another bit to use all his momentum! He swung my helmet as hard as he possibly could to smash it into my face! I ducked because he wasted to much time trying to use ALL his force! Luckily I stood next to one of the pillars/posts as he swung & swung round in circles trying to smash my face open! Eventually he gave up and let go of my helmet, it went flying across the concrete smashing all the visor and tearing the paintwork, and ended up in the middle of the lake on purpose, to trap me!

   

I walked up to him & was going to punch him in the face, when I thought about the big fat gypsy/traveller/yobbo one! I thought what’s the point! Anthony came back on the bike & stopped outside the boat-sheds! I wanted to get out of the situation more than anything, but Anthony leant over my bike & started asking questions like “How would I start it if I didn’t have the keys” I said “it has loads of problems like loses water and there is something wrong with the exhaust” I told him a bit about the spark plug trying to seam helpful! As I was pointing to it, I had this gut instinct to look up, as I did I saw this fist go whoosh straight past my face, Chris fell flat on his face, straight onto the concrete! He tried to punch me as hard as he could, while I wasn’t looking! I had done nothing wrong at all! I was beginning to get fed up! I was going to laugh at him & kick him in the face, but I’m a nice person! So I didn’t say anything not even an expression! Next thing I know “Littleman” comes rushing in full blast punching me in my face full blast! I covered my face up with my arms but it still really hurt, he wouldn’t stop punching me, at least 10 times! Then Chris started punching me as hard as he could like another 10 times! After they had finished I stood up wanting to leave! 

   When I stood up I wanted to get on my bike and leave! I was hoping they would leave me alone now! They had a bit of a punch that was it! Oh nooo! While I was stood there wondering what had just happened! Littleman slipped behind everyone made about 8 ft room beside me and swept up and punched me as hard as was physically possible in the side of my head! Trying to knock me out unconscious, or kill me! Showing off! I blacked out a bit and thought I cant believe a 30yr old man would do such a thing & that he was going to be in big trouble if he did that again! (It hurt like hell) I stood next to my bike and tried to keep my composure! I stood in front of a pillar and said to him “Is there a mark on my face” He looked at me in the worst way ever & said “there’s more where that came from” I was just praying it was going to end now! I wanted to get out of there but it was too awkward, there was nothing I could do! Why should I let him have my moped for free! None of my friends said anything at all! If I was them I would of left me, which is what they did, one said “lets go” so they all started to walk off and left me! I wanted to shout “call the police or my Dad” but I was soo scared I couldn’t even speak! Littleman was saying I’m gunna punch him in a minute” I said “look at the size of you” He said “You calling me fat” You know that yobbo attitude! I had nowhere to go! One of my friends said “I’ll stay” without saying anymore, he played it as he kind of knew them! Sort of thing. Wasn’t much help, but if I got murdered at least he would of seen everything!

   So I was basically all alone stuck in the park having a nightmare! little man sat on my bike to have a go on it! There was nothing I could do, hopefully they would leave me alone if I did! As little man pulled off on my moped! Anthony was winding/egging Chris to attack me! Chris did, he started punching me in the face as hard as he could hanging on to me, clinging to me grabbing me swinging his fist punching me like 20-30 times, half way through he head butted me as quick as he could real HARD! It really hurt, I felt like crying but this was the least of my problems! They were making me fight, but they didn’t want me to really, you know cheating. Tough. Unfair! I thought stop touching me! Littleman arrived back on my moped! He instantly got off it ran up to me and joined Chris with decking my face in! They punched me in the face a lot, like 40-50 times between them, but because I held my hands up they had to settle for brain damaging me, the side of my skull and all around my head! It was very painful, they carried on doing this for quite a while! They didn’t say much, they just wound me up as much as they could, saying this & that! Punching me in the face the best they could like another 100 times! This went on for like an hr or two I didn’t know! Littleman eventually asked me if I had a phone, I said “I have nothing” as I putt my arms out to show! (I did have my phone though) They kept beating me and beating me! Really painful! They were fighting really dirty! The whole time I defended myself to the maximum, by blocking as much as I could, it was exhausting! They kept touching me & harassing me! The aggression was like nothing I had ever seen before, they were in such a bad mood for nothing! They hated me beyond belief for no reason at all! Chris tried to pull my trousers down & steal them (Burberry) I held on to them to keep them up, or next thing I knew I would be tied to the tree strung up with them. He fell on the floor! My friend was stood there saying nothing! They continued to wind me up and hurt me for quite some time, they must have punched me at least another 3-400 times again! Really violent! Chris kept looking at his nails like he could polish them he was having so much fun & that it was that easy to abuse me. Again Little man  asked me “have you got a wallet” I said “no” it just wound him up more and made him more angry! Chris kept punching me as hard as he knew how! Again & again & again! This was very distressful! I wasn’t sure I was going to leave the park that night! They had a look of a killer in there eyes!  They weren’t very good at fighting, but they were learning quickly with the practice from me! They had previously robbed an old lady for her handbag, she unfortunately died of a heart attack! I had done nothing wrong at all! They went on & on punching me into the night! Really fierce a disturbing! Like another 400 times taking it in turns! One after the other! While one rested the other went, they had like a system it was soooo nasty! I didn’t know people like this existed! They were really violent my face was aching and I could feel I had two black eyes! I thought about my life and how it was all going out the window because of these people! I was going to have a heart attack from how much horror, from what was happening!

   

   My head was hurting REALLY bad! I knew there was permanent damage done no matter what I did! I didn’t feel right, it wasn’t me! I was obviously worried, but there was nothing I could do! I was trapped in the park being held hostage by three thugs! I was kidnapped, no escaping! They proceeded to torture me more & more! I thought I was going to die. It was good versus evil! They were definitely jealous that I was a millionaire! They were beginning to get in so much trouble they were falling out! They had punched me soo hard like 900 times or more by now! They looked at each other, thinking we’re in so much trouble now! I could tell! After all I was stuck with them! I reckon they were out of their eyeballs on heroin! I was going to offer them the beer in the hedge but I forgot, I was panicking & was so worried for my life! I said “leave me alone” a couple of times that was it! They just kept pounding away at me, when I had done nothing wrong! Litlleman was swinging for me with so much aggression I could dodge some of his attacks because he was heavy! Chris on the other hand was just a complete psycho! Also I was so much younger, it wasn’t fair at all! I had no chance. Taunting me the whole time! They were very vindictive, pushing me around telling me what to do! This was going on for way tooo long! I needed to do something, but I was trapped in the boat sheds covered by all 3 of them, with my helmet stuck in the lake! 

   Chris was willing to take things to another level, (As well as Littleman!?) Chris grabbed me by the arms and held me in position! He struck his absolute hardest head butt at me with all his might! He tried smashing my nose open! I countered this with my head as well as I could! The violence of him was absolutely atrocious! He did this 10 times in a row hardcore! He was so vicious it was unbelievable! I was lifting my leg up in case he tried to sweep my footing! I could feel the marks on my arms from his nails! Ow! I was considering biting him, but I thought I better not because he might have aids from needles and syringes! He just would not relent! It was starting to get light now! I had been punched enough to last a lifetime! It still wasn’t over!? I defended myself as best as I could, but there was nothing I could do the physical & mental damage was done. They were very controlling. They were taking out all there anger on me, & I don’t know why! I had half a cigarette in my pocket, I thought I could offer it to them! It might distract them or give them something to do because they weren’t leaving me alone for 1 second! Little man (John) took it from me and made a roll up! As he was doing this Anthony said “You’ll have to excuse my friend he’s in a funny mood” Littleman asked me “Have you got any money” I took out 2p from my pocket and said ”You can have it” He said nothing!

   They still went absolutely mad in a psycho rage at me! Punching & beating me down! Chris was so astonished that he was getting away with it that he leant back & was like I’m the greatest ever! Couldn’t believe what he was doing/getting away with! Though that it was so bad and so cool! I was pretty much dead at this stage, I was in so much pain and anguish, I didn’t understand what was going on! I don’t really say much in this writing, but the whole time I was getting punched! Harder than a freight train! Total brutality. They even said to me “aren’t you going to cry” I was defending for my life! I really thought I was going to die! Chris had a really hard session of fighting me on my own! Littleman let him, but hawked over him just in case I did anything! He kept randomly going psychopath at me going mad beating the crap out of me, like proving he was harder or something! Trying his absolute hardest to hurt me! This went on forever! They did everything physically possible to physically disable & mentally destroy me! I would never be the same again. I didn’t throw 1 punch that night! I walked over to the lake to look like I wanted to leave, by looking at my helmet in the middle. Littleman was saying things like “I’m gunna push you in, in a minute if you don’t get your helmet” They still punched my lights out another 400 times, They were in fight mode all night! it was like up to over 1000+ times now & I was sick of it! They were making the most of it, dragging it out.

   After Chris had finished his fighting session of talking a foreign language dancing like a ritual, I grabbed him by his jacket and said ”I don’t want to fight you” Then I pushed him away from me! He stumbled over a bit then fell head first backwards and might have clipped his head on the step where my helmet had flung passed earlier! Littleman instantly came running over and just laid into me with all his power! I put my hands up to defend myself & he said what are you doing like Simon says! Tricking me into putting my hands down then beating me profusely.  I lay on the floor worried to death about my health, I thought if I laid there they might go away, so I lay on the floor with my hands covering my head! Next thing I know they line my head up, like a penalty spot to kick a football! The damage was immense, it hurt more than words could ever explain! Then my friend said something “wow wow” Made no difference, they did it again! I’m not sure who kicked me because I couldn’t see. These people were the worst bully/yobbo/gypsy/scum you will ever find on planet earth. I had a lumps on my head for weeks.

   

   When I stood up after the kicks I held my head it hurt so much and slouched, I was three quarters dead at this stage and I wanted to go home! Littleman said “Your not going to tell anyone about this are you” I said “I don’t even know you” Littleman said “ I’ll kill ya” I was so scared for my life, I walked over to my moped and Anthony jumped off it & stamped his foot at me! I ran like I’ve never ran before, the best sprint I’ve ever had to do. I ran around the lake waiting for them to follow me. I was going to run to the nearest house to ask for help when, my friend shouted “They’re gone” Matthew got my helmet out of the lake with a stick and gave it to me, I put it on even though it was drenched! I forgot my glove so my friend went back for it! I left the park a different way because I thought they would close line me off my bike, if I went the same way they did! When I was on the road home I looked at the time it was nearly 9 o’clock in the morning and it takes me 15 minutes to get home! I kissed the ground when I did! They attempted to kill me any way possible all night! The heart attack was one of the ways they tried to murder me! Spent 7 hours with those people fighting for my life the whole time. They were the most indecent cowardly no respect for human life people I have ever met. It’s very sad what happened that night. Even at my prom I still had two black eyes. The year was 2005 the start of June. Also after a couple of months I fell out with 1 of my friends & they told them where I live, I was asleep at Christmas time at my dads house it was about 4 o’clock in the morning when I heard a tapping at the window, I was so tired, but I woke myself up (I had to) To see the blonde bald person at my window with a tool that looked like a crow bar obviously trying to break in! I got out of bed & raised my fist at him he backed away from the window! I went straight back to sleep! He was gone for now, It ruined my whole persona on life at my homes, also I was getting phone calls with people saying they were going to cut me up, someone killed my cat as well! I had to worry constantly now… The torment & torture continued!

   I was also informed by a close friend who lives in Malvern that Chris Willis lives in a crack house, & makes heroin at his home  in Malvern link near Matalan! Littleman is a hobo but also lives in Malvern, a place called the royal estate! I’m physically & mentally even physiologically damaged! I was very, very, very ill for 3-4 days after the event in bed! I was too scared to go to hospital in case they were there! Which continued. I was too scared to even leave the house for years & years! I hear their voices & have nightmares about them everyday! I worry about them being outside my house all night, I can't sleep! They had totally disabled me. I stopped socialising all together. I received psychiatric help ever since, I’ve had physiatrists, psychologists, mental health nurses, CPN's, NLP, councillors, counselling e.t.c e.t.c I have even been put in mental hospital for over 8 months of my life! I've been on at least 15 types of anti-phycotic medicines all day everyday 24/7 for the last 10 years! They said that the incident helped trigger & contributed to my post traumatic stress! I was NEVER, the same Elliot after that night, what happened was so wrong! I was an innocent little boy a child! Never touched a drug since, for obvious reasons & I was so worried about my health! I played the whole night like an angel so I could go to the police! But after they threatened to kill me, I was so scared for my well being, I didn’t!  It’s like the James Bulger story! This is only the basics to the complete nightmare, but it is all true & feel free to ask me any questions! It couldn’t really be much worse! That’s the worst thing in prison adults beating up children. I want my piece of mind back! Justice must be served… They were child killers.

Elliot Michael Holland-Hanbury

[soulangel]

Oneus Reaction to S/O Being Bullied at Work

Masterlist     Oneus Masterlist

“If you’re just going to talk about how much you miss where you used to live, why don’t you just go back to where you came from?!” Your coworker and the work bully shouted at you, finally having enough of your talk about your old home.

You stared at them in disbelief, horror starting to seep through as you continued to look at them. “I-I’m sorry?” You asked gently, hoping you didn’t hear what they’d said.

They scoffed and glared at you, walking right passed you without another word said in your direction. You knew what they said, in fact you heard them perfectly the first time though you tried your best to ignore the words. You ended up talking to your boss along with HR that same day to see if there was anything they could do to help you. All you got from them was a “we’ll look into it. Sorry you’re dealing with this.” speech.

So after your meeting, you barely made it to your car before you immediately rested your head on the steering wheel, trying your hardest to keep from crying in the parking lot. Finally after a few minutes of tiny breaths and a session of grounding yourself, you were able to drive yourself home.

RAVN

    He was excited to finally have the day off so he could spend some time with you. He’d even gone so far as to set up your apartment in a nice romantic atmosphere with soft music playing in the background and a happy tune to his own lips as he ordered some of your favorite and delicious takeout you almost always seem to buy whenever the two of you are together. “This should do it, right?” He asked himself just as the front door started turning, indicating you coming home.     You barely made it one step in the door when amazing food wafted into your senses and you noticed familiar shoes by the door. Even though you felt like breaking down in this particular second, you tried braving your feelings and put on a fake happy face for when you’d see him, but before you could even try, there he was staring at you with such a concerned expression, there was no way you could try and get yourself out of this talk. “I just-Please just don’t ask.” You whimpered, feeling the tears immediately falling from your eyes.     He rushed up to you without any hesitation and held you in his arms silently, stroking a hand through your hair while you cried into his chest. He then slowly brought you towards the couch where he sat you down and took off your shoes for you, putting your feet on the other side of the couch when he was done. You continued sniffling softly, until he was back in the room and sitting down next to you. “If-If they don’t do-do something I’m g-gonna quit.” You said gently, curling into a ball with Ravn only able to stroke your hair and quietly wait for you to calm down.     He grabbed his phone quickly and stood up to make a call after you’d managed to cry yourself to sleep. Because what good could his idol status be if he couldn’t use some of the power to help you out at work? Even if it was just an anonymous complaint about something a specific coworker has done to his attire.

SEOHO

    You’d managed to make it home before he did, and in your haste of wanting to hide yourself so he wouldn’t see your depressed state, you forgot to pretty much do everything you normally would. You left the door unlocked, threw your shoes against the wall, tossed your coat and purse on the floor and left a trail of excess clothing starting from the door and ending at the bedroom; over shirt, leggings, socks, regular shirt, shorts. By the time you made it to your bed you were just in a tanktop and underwear crawling under the sheets with teardrops hitting the comforter.      You heard the door open and a tiny curse come from the front, but were too afraid to get out of bed, let alone call out for him. What if your voice cracked? Or you started to really cry while telling him exactly where you were hiding? “Y/N! Please tell me you’re not doing this on purpose. You know I hate seeing such a mess everywhere. Are you mad at me? What’s-oh my god, Babe?” You heard him ramble until his voice got uncomfortably close to the bedroom doorframe.     You sat up in bed, hair a mess and tear tracks all down your face. “I-I just...I’m sorry!” You wailed, hiding your face in your knees.     He gasped at your outburst and rushed to you, immediately taking you into his arms and holding you tight to him. “No no Baby don’t cry. I’m sorry I should’ve known something was up. Can you talk about it?” He gently whispered, cradling your head against his chest while quietly shushing you to calm you down.     When you explained the situation at work and what you did to try and fix the situation, he held you tighter and laid down with you, letting you bury your face in his chest. “We’ll fix this, okay? You’re not going through this by yourself. They should never have said those things to you.” He mumbled softly, kissing the top of your head.

LEEDO

    Instead of wanting to cry the moment you got home, you got extremely frustrated. So while you wanted to lay on the bed and wallow in misery, you decided you were going to scrub the place to try and get the anger out. It took you maybe 30 minutes to deep clean unlike what you thought, you must’ve gotten rid of more than just anger? Yeesh. Ah well, at least the house is now cleaned. Unfortunately though, the moment you sat down was when the imagination started to roll. You were stewing in anger once more with nothing to help calm you down until he walked through the door, a small sigh on his lips as he noticed just how clean the home was. “Babe?” He called out for you.     “In here!” You called back, angrily ripping up pieces of paper and throwing them in the trash can you placed beside you so you wouldn’t get them all over the floor you’d just cleaned.     He stepped into the room and tilted his head, practically feeling the anger coming off you from where he stood. “Okay, what happened?” He asked with a sigh, dropping his bag beside the shoes so you wouldn’t yell at him.     You tossed the paper you were still ripping into the trash can and pointed at him. “This stupid bitch at work! I’ve had it up to here with her! I hope she gets FIRED I’m that mad right now. UGH!” You shouted, jumping to your feet to start pacing the room.     He chuckled and sat down on the couch to listen to your venting and angry kicks and punches to the air as you imagined the person in front of you.

KEONHEE

    He could hear the mumbling and the crying and even the yelling through the door. It had been about 10 minutes since he got to the door, and may have been a little terrified to step through the door in case you yelled at him for something completely random. He knew you didn’t mean it, and every time you got this way you always made sure he wasn’t around to see you like this so you wouldn’t accidentally hurt him; but this was how you coped with things, and today’s bad energy was something you were trying to get out of your system before he got home. “STUPID HOE!” You finally shouted, and then there was silence.     He tentatively stepped through the door and looked around, wondering if anything was thrown around or broken? Nope, okay good you didn’t break anything. Then again you never broke anything except your heart, or made your throat really sore. “Baby? I’m home!” He called out for you, hoping you were in the living room so he could hug you.     When he didn’t get an answer, he then started looking throughout the house to see where you could be at. He was about to check the bedroom when someone landed on his back and he crumpled to the ground like a sack of potatoes. “Ooof! What the-?!” He yelped before hearing your giggling from above him.     You kissed his cheek and then got off him so the both of you could stand up. After you brushed off the imaginary dust, you latched onto him in a hug. “I’m so glad you’re home. I missed you so much.” You sighed, nuzzling your face into his shoulder.     He couldn’t fight you with how adorable you were being in this moment in time. Maybe he’d talk to you about your yelling later.

HWANWOONG

    You were in the process of wiping your eyes when he stepped through the door, and stopped dead in his tracks. “Babe what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He asked quickly, rushing to your side in barely any time at all.     You shook your head and sniffled a couple of times until you were able to speak without feeling like you were going to cry again. “J-Just some th-things at work today.....it’s nothing...” You whispered, wrapping your arms around yourself for security.     He watched you for a second before he took your arms away and pulled you into him, wrapping his own around your frame. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked softly, pulling your both to the couch.     You sighed and started into an explanation of what happened today until you managed to get to the part about where you were in the moment. “Oh hell no they didn’t do that to you. I need to go have a talk to them right-oof.” “Don’t leave right now, please?”     You wrapped yourself around him and hid in his neck, holding onto him tight so he couldn’t go anywhere. “Please.” You whispered again, biting your lip.     He smiled and rested a hand on your head. “Alright, fine. But that person will definitely be hearing some nasty things coming soon if I have anything to say about it.” He grumbled out.

XION

    You went straight to him instead of home actually. In fact you drove so fast to the studio, you almost forgot to check that you weren’t speeding to get to him. The emotions running through you were so strong that when you went to talk to the receptionist, they immediately told you where he was with a frown and sent a call up to the manager to they knew to expect you. And when they saw you, boy did that try their best to let your boyfriend talk to you.     He ran up to you as soon as he saw you and cupped your face, looking to see into your eyes. But instead of looking at him, you just hugged him to you and sighed. “I just needed to see you, sorry if I’m interrupting something important.” You mumbled into his shirt.     He pet your head and wrapped his arms around you, silently asking the group to leave you alone for a few minutes. “Do you wanna talk about it? I can ask If I can leave early today. Please don’t shut down like this, you know it doesn’t help.” He sighed out, stroking your cheek gently with his finger.     You just sighed again and leaned into his hand. “Okay, can we go home? Please?” You asked quietly, looking to the ground when your eyes started tearing up.     He immediately hugged you and kissed your head with a quick, “let’s go.” given to you. He then dragged you out to wherever his manager went off to and explained the situation, asking for the rest of the day off so he could take you home. When he was given the okay, he took your keys from you and rushed you home as quick as he could where he sat with you the rest of the night as you cried and explained what happened at work.

[clansayeed]

personal ramble about work under the cut. this bitch is long don’t feel the need to read it I just had to get things out a little

ok so like. I work at the bux, I think I’ve said that. and every quarter we have a POQ or partner of the quarter which is ideally the store partners vote for the person who has really stepped up, improved the most, helped out the most, or just overall really shown a dedication to everyone else (and I guess technically the bux values but I digress)

ideally

but in reality it’s more like a popularity contest. we’re only just phasing out of block scheduling (which other stores aren’t and??? anyway) so pretty much for the last quarter the same people have been working with the same people. but even when block isn’t in effect the morning and night crews rarely cross over so morning votes for morning and night votes for night. but because there are more morning people someone in the morning pretty much always wins

*for further knowledge: you don’t win much, I think it’s like a $75 bonus or something and a little certificate but some stores go all out and get like flowers or a small gift basket -- some people at our store get baskets and others just get the minimum, depends on the mood of the people arranging it I guess

so this last winner wins (she’s morning, mid, and night by the way, so the usual rules don’t apply), and like part of me isn’t surprised and part of me is. isn’t because she is a hard worker, does cover a lot of shifts and hustles, and is generally pretty much always in an upbeat attitude. but isn’t because she’s notorious among the night crew for taking a lot of shortcuts to get cleaning done and stuff... and most of the time we end up having to go behind her and do the same thing again but right this time. things like taking apart pumps before they’re washed so the chambers don’t fill with water and sit there for days or taking apart caramel bottles so they don’t have old residue in them when brought out to make more

like in many aspects she is a very good and hard and enjoyable coworker but I feel like the things that are being ignored in spite of that... matter? because they just make our lives harder when we have to essentially do the same task twice. but funnily enough that isn’t the point of this at all

so I’ve never won. that is not a surprise in the least. I’ve worked there for nearly 3 years now and have long since accepted that the manager may smile to my face but she’s kind of been trying to find a way to get rid of me with as little issue as possible

I’ll admit my faults. I have an issue with the way things are run. but if you’ve worked at this place or any store in the company you know that “taking it to HR or your DM” is about as effective as telling someone’s best friend you don’t like them. very cliquey stuff. and the night crew usually always gets shafted so we all have a kind of unspoken bro code where we complain if we need to... and don’t go blabbing or tattling like children?

well... most of us. turns out one shift and a couple of people have been like... reporting back to the SM which is super gross. so I’ve gotten in trouble a couple of times and know I’m not her favorite. I’ve had 2 write-ups

one for a situation that spiraled out of control and led to me having a panic attack on the floor but I felt pressured to keep working so I was written up for disruptive behavior or something (I have an extreme fear of authority figures in any fashion so I didn’t know I could dispute the write-up until after I signed the acknowledgement)

and one for “not adhering to making the partner environment feel safe and welcoming” idk it was bollocks and in order to get me into the meeting to write me up, she took my name off of the schedule so I would call her and ask what was up only to make me wait a week for the meeting. it was super gross and led to a really dark depression spiral... on christmas too

anyway. I’m not winning any time soon. I work hard, I try my best; I know there are a lot of things I can improve on and need to improve on but that’s anywhere. anyone who works with me knows I hate being idle and will help out however I can. we all have bad days, but generally I think I’ve improved in the last year which... has been pretty big since COVID and losing my grandmother to it and everything

SO TO THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS RANT not that anyone is still reading lmao

the other day we were talking about who we voted for since the poq winner was already announced. I was just saying it because I voted for one of the newer people because I feel like she’s more quiet and didn’t get recognized. then I joked (my self-insulting humor is pretty well-known there) that I probably only got one vote, from probably my best friend there, and it was probably immediately chucked out

so this shift (who actually was the cause for my second write up because she was one of those little narcs and tried to pretend she knew nothing about it which was the worst part) and I are talking about it and she straight up says to me well I was thinking about voting for you... but I didn’t want to WASTE MY VOTE

those specific words

I laughed it off at the time, pretended to be fake offended and brushed it off since I know I’m no one’s favorite, but... it really fucking hurt to hear that. like I work my ass off there. I’ve literally bled for that place lmao. I break my back and a lot of the time do the jobs of 2-3 people at once to compensate for shitty labor hours (most of us night people do tbh, I just have more flexibility in where they put me) and I’m pretty much well-known for earning us good tips in the drive thru with my good attitude

I’m not saying I do more work than anyone else... but so then why is including me among those very same people a laughable thing, and a waste? like way to break someone’s fucking spirit

and it hurt more I think because I know she’s like the SM’s little pet -- even though her shifts are shit shows -- so it probably was a waste of a vote...

IDK. I never meant to stay at this job this long but then COVID happened and it’s still hard to find a decent paying job with benefits these days and I like most of my coworkers and would hate to leave them and need to keep working until I have another job lined up...

but it just really... really broke me down. like I feel shit about myself for literally everything else in my life on a daily basis. it just hurt to have what I can normally write off as my anxiety messing with my head as something true instead. I’m not liked there and higher up people would be glad if I was gone

so that’s fun

[rose-sunlight]

J&C’s RTA (or, for the boring people: Jake and Charles’ Road Trip Adventure)

Pairings: Implied Jake Peralta/Charles Boyle, Mentioned Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta/Original Male Character (OC)

Warnings: One mention of antisemitism, but it isn't graphic.

Summary: When Jake returns from being undercover, Charles realises how depressed he is over Amy's rejection. He decided the perfect remedy is a BFF Road trip. Little does he know, this Road Trip will bring some interesting revelations into the light.

A/n: This is for the @b99fandomevents​ Summer 2020 Fic Exchange written for @impossiblyizzy​! Hope you enjoy!

As soon as Jake returned to the precinct after being undercover, Charles began to plan this trip. He knew about Jake confessing his feelings to Amy (squeal), and how he was horribly rejected. When he returned, unchanged from his stint undercover, Charles vowed to take Jake on a road trip to end all road trips.

He even decided that Jake could dub their trip, hoping that would cheer him up. It did, and so they left on their summer J&C’s RTA—unknowing that what would happen could possibly change the course of their friendship forever.

Of course, Charles knew that they had to have an appropriate car to travel the way in, that’s why he chose a 1960’s panel van, like the one from Scooby-Doo. He thought Jake would look at it and smile; he did, but his smile disappeared almost instantly. Even when he climbed inside and looked around at all the snacks and chips Charles had bought (he had decided on the ones Jake likes, not the ones he liked that had a crunchy mealworm flavour. But Jake looked at them and smiled again, leaning against the window as Charles began to drive to their first location.

The music was blaring: Jake had insisted that Carly Rae-Jepsen and Taylor Swift be playing constantly at full volume. Charles had one hand outside the car, dragging it through the air, feeling the wind between his fingers as they flew past grand houses in the suburbs of New York at break-neck speed. Jake had his eyes closed against the rays of the sunlight coming through the windshield, a small smile tugging on his lips.

He was picturing Amy here with him, experiencing the beginnings of this elysian sunset.

“You know what you need?” Charles said, not taking his eyes off the road.

Jake shrugged, “A dartboard with Teddy’s dumb stupid face on it?”

“No,” Charles sighed, “You need to find someone else. Someone who will make you forget about Amy!”

Jake shook his head “I don’t know, Charles, I just can’t do that. Everyone would remind me of Amy.” He knew this was a lie, he could find someone who was the opposite of Amy and love them for the night, but it wouldn’t be the same, because all he would be able to think of would be how it wasn’t Amy holding him, kissing his neck…

“Well, I’m sure someone where we’re going will have a pair of lips for you.”

“In a weird way, thanks.”

They arrived at their first hotel stop the next day, after taking turns driving. It wasn’t much, but it was grand in its own way, with charming old windows and exposed brick. It was almost like a cottage, but with people and balconies watching you arrive. Charles slung his bag over his bag, slamming his car door shut as Jake did the same.

The receptionist was an older woman, scowling with tiny glasses on the bridge of her nose as Charles smiled and gave their room numbers. He’d decided, for privacy (a new concept for Charles, but one he was willing to learn for the sake of his heartbroken friend), that they would have separate rooms. He looked back from the scornful woman to Jake, who was frantically typing on his phone.

“Who’s that?” Charles asked as Jake shot up, eyes wide, like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Oh, uh, no one, just…you know, Rosa…”

Charles raised an eyebrow “Oh, yeah, right, we both know Rosa doesn’t text you for that long,” His eyes comically widened in realisation, like the parent who had caught him with said hand in the cookie jar, “you’re texting Amy, aren’t you?”

“What? Charles, no, why would I?”

Before Charles could respond, the scowling woman passed over the two keys, suddenly breaking out into a fond smile that shook Charles slightly. He grabbed them and thanked her “You boys have fun; are you waiting on another couple?” She asked, holding back the other key.

Charles blushed, suddenly a bumbling mess “Uh, no, we-we’re not…uh…we’re not a couple…” He managed to blurt out, watching as the woman pushed her glasses up and smiled awkwardly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, here,” she replied, handing over the second key before gesturing to the stairs “your floor is the third, first two doors on the right, you can’t miss them.”

“Ok, great, thanks” Jake said, grabbing his bags and dragging Charles away from the woman, who he was still gaping at for assuming the two of them were a couple. They were halfway up the stairs when Jake turned back to Charles, who was still frowning as he walked.

“You know,” Jake started “I never imagined you to act so weird just because someone assumed you were with a dude”.

Charles shook his head again, furrowing his eyebrows as they finally got to their respective rooms “Oh, no, it wasn’t that I just realised that she looked like Julia Child! I have all her cookbooks, she looked just like her!”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

There was a pause as they both stood in their hallways, staring at each other. The night was still hot and the stars that had just peaked out from the New York smog were shining through, creating an almost blue effect on Jake and Charles face. Jake had to stop; in this light, he noted how handsome his best friend truly was, but only in the way that his looks complimented his personality nicely.

Jake swallowed on air, Adam’s apple bobbing “I’m…going to go in. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Charles nodded, smiling a toothless grin “See you in the morning.”

They went into their separate rooms. Charles couldn’t sleep: he didn’t really understand why Jake got so offended about his supposed shock around being called a couple. He figured it was just a normal Jake move, standing up for whatever he felt was right. Maybe he felt a compassion to help those marginalised groups. After all, Jake had revealed to them the horrific things said about him in his youth when he wore the star of David around his neck.

Charles decided to sleep it off. Jake wasn’t doing much sleeping, and wasn’t planning on doing so until his casual fling was out of his room. He wanted them to stay, for that bit of closeness he really needed from anyone, but he decided that it was easier this way, for them to sneak out in the early hours of the morning.

Morning came, and the weather had ramped up again. It was a heavy heat that made it almost impossible to breathe, and Boyle was sure he would’ve died if it wasn’t for his sleep apnoea mask keeping him breathing. He almost slept in, like he was planning to, but housekeeping knocked (even though he had put ‘do-not-disturb’ on his door handle), and he found himself scurrying out of the room in shorts and a t-shirt.

Unfortunately—or, fortunately, for Jake, Boyle had stepped out of his room the exact time his fling of the night left, planting a big kiss on his lips, while Jake stood in the doorway of his room, dressed only in a pair of white boxers.

“Thanks for a great night.” The man, Jason, he had introduced himself as, said, walking straight past Boyle’s gobsmacked face. Although, it did make a lot of sense for Jake to like guys, when he thought about it. Jake stared back at Charles with a pale face, one arm outstretched.

“How much of that did you see?” He asked, not as concerned as Charles thought he would be, judging on the nice shade of translucent Jake had seemingly turned “I need to know so I can gauge how big my lie has to be”

Charles cut him off “Jake, you could’ve just told me.”

Jake’s shoulders slumped “I know. But…I don’t know, I’ve been keeping this a secret for so long, I was worried you’d be mad. No one knows, if that helps, not even Gina.”

“Knows what?”

Jake flushed red “You know what.”

Charles took a step forward, trying his best to be comforting to his embarrassed and half-naked friend. “I know, but…but it might help you if you say it out loud.”

He had a glint in his eye, and Charles could detect it as unwavering emotion and unshed tears from years of pent-up frustration. He wonders how many times Jake’s tried to tell the squad, how many times he’s tried to correct the pronouns of whoever he’d been on a date with the day before his shift. “N—” he let out a deep blowing breath, “No one else knows…that I’m Bisexual.”

Charles smiled proudly, reaching out to pull Jake into a hug. He didn’t cry, not even as Charles stroked his back comfortingly. He was just relieved that someone else knew. If it had to be anyone, he was glad it was Charles.

“If it helps…no one would judge you. Especially not me.” Charles gave a stern look, and Jake almost begged him silently to continue. “I’m Pansexual! I thought you knew, Jakey, I talk about my fat crush on Dave from HR all the time!”

If Jake was in a cartoon, his eyes would be like saucers right about now. “I thought you meant in…like, a bro way!”

“There is no way me talking about all the explicit things I’d let him do could possibly be in a bro way.” Charles deadpanned as Jake let out a breathy laugh.

“Cool.” Jake said, smiling at his friend as if their eyes had just met for the first time in their friendship. He sits down on the motel fire escape, and Charles joins him, knees brushing against each other “So how does being Pan work?”

Charles sighed “A lot of people say a lot of different things. For me…I’m attracted to the soul of someone before their body. I don’t care about gender, as long as they’re kind and intellectually sexy.” He was staring straight at Jake now (no pun intended).

“We’re super dumb.” Jake groaned.

“Yep.”

“Are our gay-dars that broken that we’ve been friends for what? Five years? And neither of us knew the other was LGBTQIA?”

Charles let out a large giggle, smiling at Jake, nudging him slightly “One hell of a road-trip, right?”

“Yeah,” Jake smiled back, “And it’s only just started.”

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[thelastturd]

TOO DEPRESSED TO JACK OFF by The Last Turd --

I was reading the New York Post and drinking my second Mountain Dew of the morning when the world ended. Sheila called to say she wasn’t coming home. She’d met a man in Grand Cayman with a giant cock. She told me he was known across the island as The Flashlight. She said she was going to marry him. I felt hopeless, but I always felt hopeless. I thought Sheila would eventually cure me of my hopelessness, but now she was gone — she was off on a new adventure with The Flashlight — the Giant Cock of Grand Cayman, and I was alone again. Unemployed. Caffeinated. Overweight. Addicted to just about everything. Sheila hung up on me before I could say anything. I tried to call her back. The call went straight to voicemail, and her mailbox was full. I opened my dirty laptop, which looked like a remnant from a nuclear wasteland. The keyboard was smeared with syrupy stains. The crevices between the keys were clogged with small, unidentifiable chunks of hard food and dust and whatever else. I got on the internet and went to Pornhub, but I was too depressed to jack off. So I went to monster.com and looked for a job. No one has ever gotten hired from monster.com. I looked around anyway, but it was all minimum wage airport jobs. I had a degree in something I never understood. The degree granted me access to nothing, or at least to things that felt like nothing, temp job after temp job. All there was to do after work was go to happy hour, but my happy hours lasted from 6 pm till 4 am. I’d wake up with a vice grip on my brain, a stomach full of nausea, and vague regrets. I was hungover and craving alcohol and junk food constantly. Everything hurt. I showed up late to all the temp jobs. And even though they were temporary jobs I was always let go early. I would be called into an office. In those offices there were always flowers somewhere — either real flowers dying in a vase on a desk, or painted flowers collecting dust in a frame. In the office, in a polite tone, the HR person would tell me I was no longer needed. I was no longer needed. Lines like that echo. Then I met Sheila. We were both drunk at a nameless bar in a Chinatown basement, and we went home together. She told me, “I’ll regret this in the morning.” When we woke up the room smelled like sweat and rotten meat. I was holding in a huge fart. I let it go. It stunk up the whole room, and Sheila’s eyes started watering. She gagged. She went to the bathroom. I heard her vomiting, and I laughed. When she came out of the bathroom she didn’t say anything about regretting anything. So we went to get breakfast, but it was lunchtime. Sheila hated the word brunch too. After lunch, we just kept hanging out. Two bored people killing time together. After a couple of weeks, I decided to call what we had love, but love isn’t something you decide to call just anything. I was dying to know what it felt like. I was pathetic and desperate. I was a human. I was a pathetic human desperate for fake love, desperate to say “I’m in love,” or “I love you.” It felt wrong, like everything else. It felt terribly, terribly wrong… and sad. Sheila and I went to restaurants and grim bars. Sheila drank as much as I did, sometimes more. I never got to know the color of her eyes. Sheila had more money than me, so she bought us cocaine. She didn’t work. She had a trust fund. I’d heard jokes about New Yorkers with trust funds, but I’d never met one. I loved the cocaine more than Sheila. Like I said, love isn’t something you decide, something you can control. Love finds you. Coke found me. Cocaine is what I miss the most. We’d been together about two months when Sheila randomly booked a one-way ticket to Grand Cayman. Why? Because people with time and money book random tickets to islands. I didn’t hear from her until she called to tell me it was over. I was surprised she even bothered to tell me. That said something about her. I didn’t take her for someone who cared enough to even break-up with someone. She seemed more like a let-it-fade-out type. When she told me about the giant cock and the marriage it felt like the end of the world. What would I do without her and her money and her coke? Actually, it was a kind of beginning, or a beginning of another kind of end, a kind I wasn’t ready for. I closed the New York Post. I sunk into the poop colored couch. I opened my third Mountain Dew — a Code Red Dew that I’d been saving for an emergency. I turned on Bloomberg News. It was like watching static. I was late on rent, and I was deep in debt. Student debt is a small price to pay for those of us stupid enough to go to college. I decided to call Sheila. I called her on Facebook and Instagram and FaceTime. I messaged her in every way possible. No response. If was able to get an erection I probably would have sent her a picture of my dick. I kept sending her messages. I wasn’t saying anything, just sending letters into oblivion. I finished my Code Red Mountain Dew. It was delicious. I tossed the empty bottle on the floor. The bottle lied there on a dusty gray rug that was once sky blue. Then I realized there was no giant cock in Grand Cayman. I made that all up. Sheila had called from Grand Cayman to break up with me, but she never said anything about leaving me for a man with a giant cock nicknamed The Flashlight. That was all in my head. A total fabrication. I stared at the empty plastic Dew bottle. I felt my sadness turn to pain, and then my pain turned to anger. I don’t know what Sheila had found in Grand Cayman that had made her decide to leave me. Maybe she was bored, maybe she found someone who could afford cocaine. Whatever it was I knew that nothing, not even a giant Grand Cayman cock, could ever make her feel anything as deep as my hopelessness.