#like it hit me shortly after i got excited- the fact that i didnt even EXPECT EIGHT FICS IN THOSE 20K..

[stiffyck]

Decided to check out an old fandom I was in and I looked up some fics on ao3 and ofc as I usually do I tried looking up any aromantic fics- and there was a whole total of 8 fics out of the 20k that had the main guy aromantic-

I got real excited because EIGHT? THATS A LOT FOR THE FACT THAT I SEARCHED FOR SOMETHING AROMANTIC.

Isn't it sad that tho I got excited over 8 fanfics out of 20k that included someone like me

[thehonestmommy]

My Birth Story (Baby #2) - Part 1

2020 brought and withheld a lot of things for everyone across the globe. But for us, quarantined to our home, it brought new life. And as the year winds down, I’m ready to reflect upon the biggest event of the year, Welcoming Galen Angus O’Neill to the world. 

On the morning of September 3rd, I was 4 days overdue and feeing impatient for the arrival of our new baby. I woke around 4 am, and could feel some gentle cramps in my belly. This was not new. Throughout the pregnancy I was fooled over and over again by prodromal labour which I had been enduring for months. I even experienced gallstones during the beginning of my 2nd trimester, so I was no stranger to pains and pangs that lead nowhere. 

I did my best to get back to sleep but to no avail. I laid awake and tried not to pay attention to the feelings. Unable to get back to sleep, I listened to some hypnobirthing meditations for about an hour and a half (which I did often in the early mornings/late nights) and although I didn’t sleep again, I rested and relaxed and practiced my mindful isometric breathing.

At about 5:30 I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the real deal. The pains were not different, but my instinct told me this was it. The slow start to the big show. I shook Ryan awake and said “I think this is it!” to witch he responded “oh..yeah? okay” dismissing what he thought was another false alarm.  But I didn’t feel any doubt this time.

He got up and got ready for work, and reminded me to call him if things get real and he will come home. Our morning went on as usual.

I got up, got myself and my son Lauchlan dressed and took him to daycare. Admittedly, I don’t remember doing this, perhaps because I was distracted, or maybe because I didnt yet realize what was happening during an otherwise normal and mundane morning routine. Whatever the case, I dont remember taking him there….but he spent the day at daycare.

When I returned home I attempted to sleep but again wasn’t able to. Excitement was keeping me awake and alert. I knew rest of any kind was important, made myself breakfast and lounged in bed with the dog (who stayed close with me), while I watched a few movies. A completely chill morning,  but as the morning went on, my cramps were becoming regular, and more noticeable. I began timing them, and although the timing was a little off, I knew this was it. It’s go time!

At 9:00 I texted Ryan:

“Umm….Soon. Contractions are closer together now, about 6-8 mins apart but they are short, only 30 seconds and I can still talk and walk through them.”

He decided to come home as soon as he could, with a brief stop to get get me some gatorade and grapes (both staples in my last birth). 

At 9:30 I texted my Doula to let her know I was quite certain I was in early labour. Of all my birth team, I wanted to call upon her first since she would come to help keep me comfortable if I requested it no mater what stage of labour I was in (Midwives typically wait till signs of active labour). I knew I didn’t need her quite yet so she asked me to keep her posted in case the intensity picks up. 

At 10:30, I paged my midwife: 

Good morning!

I m officially in (at least early) labour. I ve been having surges since 4:15am, and they are getting more intense but are a bit irregular. Most are 40 seconds to a minute long, but are anywhere from 5-9 minutes apart. It’s getting close! (My water did not break and I have no blood or mucus show)

My midwife had a team meeting at noon, so said she could be there by 1pm. That sounded perfect to me, so I laid back down, snacked, sipped water and watched some of my favourite funny moves to help keep my mind distracted; Anchorman (twice!) Step Brothers and Talledaga Nights. (Special shoutout to Will Farrell and John C. Reilly for attending my birth as humour doulas. You boys keep it real)  In the meantime I chatted with my bestie Andrea who agreed to come over and take some photos. Her plan was to come by at 2pm.  Intermittently I listened to some of my hypnobirthing tracks and walked around the house to help gauge how I was feeling. I was still doing okay. 100% comfortable between surges, and still able to talk during them. I used my home-made mala during my surges to remind myself to breathe and relax my face and shoulders (where I hold most of my tension).

Ryan arrived home and got me some grapes and water, making sure I ate and stayed hydrated. He laid next to me and held my hand while the surges came, and reminded me how strong I am, and that we were soon going to meet our newest baby! I was glad to have him at my side, keeping me calm, comfortable, focused, fed and hydrated.

Andrea arrived shortly after and began photographing the goings-on as I laboured in my room. She kept me company and sat on the bed and observed what my contractions looked like while I was cuddled in my bed in my nest of pillows. I was at this time, doing my best to stop talking, turn inward, and breathe slowly as deeply while in a surge, as they were becoming longer and stronger. They would come mid-conversation with Andrea, and I would pause, breathe, and then continue the conversation. I knew trying to talk through them was still possible, but wouldn’t be as beneficial as breathing. 

Soon, My Midwife arrived and confirmed I was absolutely in early labour.  At 2:15 I consented to a cervical check. I was 4cm and 50% effaced, my heart rate and blood pressure were normal, and fetal movement was normal. All green checkmarks. I felt very positive about my progress, and confident that things were progressing well and safely.

As my surges continued to gain strength, I began moving around. Laying in bed was just not feeling right any longer. I followed my instincts and shifted from the bed to the floor. My midwifes assistant offered to squeeze my hips during surges to help relieve them, and it was helping so much. During a surge I leaned on her, I leaned on Ryan, and relaxed on a yoga ball in between. No position was better than the other but changing it up helped keep it fresh. 

Sadly, around this time I heard from my Doula that she was not able to make it. She was attending another birth that was not going well and that mom needed extra support.  I felt like things were going very smoothly for us, so although I was let down, it didn’t send me into a panic. Thankfully she had a backup that was available to attend. Id never met her before, but if my doula recommended her, then I trust that she’s excellent! So she was dispatched to our house.

at 4pm I VERY suddenly began to feel nauseous. Last time that meant I was in transition and the baby was about to come, but i was sure that couldn’t be happening already. My midwife took it as a cue, and offered another cervical check which I would have declined if it weren’t for the nausea. I wanted to know so I consented and found that I was 6cm and 100% effaced.  It was time to get in the birth pool! Ryan realized time was getting close so he stepped out to pick up Lauchlan from Daycare. 

We made our way downstairs and my secondary doula Victoria arrived and introduced herself. She helped me into the pool at 4:30. The water was hot hot hot and so relaxing! I could do nothing but smile as I eased into the water. I could feel all my muscles let go, and like magic my labour picked up. In the first few moments in the pool, observed my surroundings and was filled with an overwhelming joy. I was surrounding by a caring team; my midwives and doula, one of my best friends and my husband and son (who were still on their way back from daycare), safely in my home and during a pandemic no less, when I would otherwise be birthing alone in a hospital. I was so thankful to be experiencing a smooth birth, in the comfort of my own home. The oxytocin wave washed over me, I very soon needed breathing coaching during my surges. They were becoming powerful enough that I needed to make a low guttural hum to stop myself from gasping. I was entering into the primal stage of birth.

Ryan arrived back home with Lauchlan. I wondered what his response would be like, but he was completely adorable and kept me smiling. He didn’t seem phased at all by what was going on. In fact, he was a sweet help; he fed me water and grapes, and gave me kisses over the side of the pool. He was not too pleased however, that he was not allowed to get in it the birth pool with me, but it didn’t stop him from sticking around for the whole show in innocent presence. 

At 5:00 I felt like I needed to pee. Of course, I was in the birth pool. My birth team suggested that if i wanted to stay in the pool I could just pee in there since urine is sterile, but I was 100% not into that! Lord knows how much longer I would be in that water, and the thought just grossed me out. So they helped me out of the tub and I waddled my way through my living room towards the bathroom. I noted to myself how thankful I was that I collected about 20 old towels as I tracked water through my living room (this, by the way, was the only ‘mess’ from the whole birth!) Right at the bathroom door another surge hit and it nearly knocked me off my feet. Thankfully Ryan was there to support me. As soon as it ended, it was like it never happened and I took a moment in the washroom and then quickly went back to the pool. 

Once I was back in the pool, I felt incredibly hot and nauseous. Thankfully I did not throw up (I am emetophobic) but this time I knew that wave of nausea meant I was in transition. My surges were less than a minute apart. I complained of the water being too hot a few times, and we realized it actually was! Ryan began adding cold water to the tub and a cold cloth to my head, neck and back to help cool me down. Things picked up. Ryan started my birth playlist and I found focus again with the music. My doula coached me through the surges and told me I should stop doing the low guttural sounds because I was going to risk losing my voice. She said yell if I need to! It’s time to get primal! During my surges I leaned my forearms and shoulders on the edge of the pool and grasped her index fingers like handle bars.  I felt like I couldn’t go on, like I would perish if I had to endure any more…. And I knew this meant a miracle was about to happen. I knew I could do it and could keep going, bit the feeling of it becoming too much was so strong. I tried to not say it but the words slipped out “I can’t, I can’t do this” and everyone…Ryan my midwives, my doula, my best friend all let out a chorus of “Yes you can. You already are!”  I nodded and kept on.

My next surge at approximately 5:30 my water broke (in the pool). The pressure of it breaking was so strong that It felt like a gunshot in the water. It was so strong that I actually thought for a minute that it was the baby! I was so glad it happened, because I knew it meant the baby was very close. Vitals showed we were both doing well, but there was one issue: meconium in the water. When the water broke, meconium came with it which can be a danger to the baby’s breathing.  My midwife leaned in close and looked me in the eye and said “Sarah, there’s meconium in the water. If you want to have this baby at home, we have to do it now. It’s time to push.”

Pushing was not part of my birth plan. I wanted to let the FER (fetal ejection reflex) take over. But hearing that my home birth was at risk of coming to an end and transferring to a hospital pushed me into a new zone of strength. With the next surge, I pushed as hard as I could. And when it was finished I knew I could do better. The following surge I pushed harder and longer and it brought the babies head down. But something felt wrong… I felt like I was being ripped in half and my hips were being violently pulled apart.  At that moment I flashed back to Lauchlans birth, and how pushing felt so relieving, and I never once felt like it was ‘too much.’ This was different… Like he was coming out sideways. But before my midwife could even check to see what was happening, another surge came and I gave every inch of my life in that final push, and the baby arrived! 5:43 pm September 3rd, 2020. Our quarantine baby, born at home. 

I reached down and lifted my baby out of the water and held my wiggling squishy new baby to my chest. The baby was warm and soft and so alert. The midwives immediately began attending to the baby to make sure all was well, and it was. I leaned the baby back on my forearms and gazed at this beautiful creature.  I observed the baby head to toe, and was taken with how beautiful this child was. And this time (unlike last time) I remembered to check and see what gender we had. It was a boy! I announced it to the room with a slightly disheartened tone because I was SURE it was going to be a girl. I was shocked that my intuition mislead me so much, but I chuckled thinking that ‘Sarah and the boys’ has always been my way of life. Being a boy-mom is my calling. 

I leaned back in the pool and snuggled my new bundle of joy. I spoke gently to him, “hello baby, welcome to the world! I love you already” Ryan asked me “What is his name?” “I’m not sure” I said. We hadn’t decided which of our chosen boy’s names to use. “Alec, or Galen?” I asked “I’m completely okay with both.” “Galen” Ryan said. “Galen Angus O’Neill.”

After some bonding time in the pool, the midwives cut his cord and handed Galen to Ryan for some skin-to-skin snuggles. They helped me out of the water and on to the couch where my vitals were taken and my midwives reminded me that we needed to deliver the placenta (oh, right! it’s not over!)  I relaxed and observed Ryan with our second son in his arms for the first time. He snuggled him and remarked that his mouth was open and looking for food! Once the placenta was delivered and I was stitched from a very mild 1st degree tear, he placed our boy back on my chest where he latched and nursed without any struggle at all. It was perfect. He was perfect. 

After some time with me, he was laid on some blankets on our coffee table and his APGAR test began. Amusing to likely only us, Ryan asked “does he have a bum hole?” and thankfully he did, and pooped right away to prove it!  He passed everything on the test… a healthy boy! We were ultimately blessed. 

We each made guesses at his weight and were shocked to find he was a whopping 9 pounds! Much bigger than I expected!

The rest of my evening was mostly a blur of happy comments and realizing how short my active labour had been… just 1.5 hours! Incredible! the entire labour was about 13.5 hours, roughly the same as my previous labour with Lauchlan (but the active stage was WAY faster with Galen!)

My doula had fed me toasted english muffins and gatorade while I lounged with the baby. Shortly after she helped me upstairs to shower, and tucked me in bed with the baby. I remarked again how incredible home birthing can be, and how lucky I was to do it.

Andrea’s husband Nate came to pick her up and popped in to say hello and congratulations, and brought me a hamburger which I straight up devoured! The midwives took care of cleaning up and put our linens in the laundry while Ryan emptied the pool. Our house swiftly went back to normal and it was as if nothing happened. The only evidence was the new life in my arms.  So strange that the miracle of life had happened in my living room just hours before. 

Even though I would consider this a successful and beautiful birth, it still took me some time to process it. I Think it’s normal to need to put some distance between you and an even so life altering in oder to see it clearly. I can say now, 3.5 months later, that it was a wholly positive birth experience and I am overjoyed that I was able to successfully birth at home. I would do it again in a heartbeat (although I don’t plan on it!!) and I can’t think of anything that I would change. I am so grateful that this happened for us, especially knowing that not everyone is this lucky. A true blessing of an uneventful birth.

Home births, when safe, are such a gift to the whole family. After the birth I was able to enjoy my baby without him being whisked away for test or baths. My husband and son and friend were able to be by my side to witness the miracle. I was able to labour in comfort, privacy, and with dignity and autonomy, able to make decisions that fit my needs. I was able to shower in my own bathroom, sleep in my own bed, and maintain my chosen level of privacy. I ate my own chosen foods, Wear my comfiest PJs. I was in complete control of the environment. and best of all, I was able to snuggle with my baby and toddler to my hearts content, with no one to interrupt me.

The following week was much of the same. Lounging at home in comfort with intermittent home-visits from the midwives to check on our progress. But one week in, our little paradise got turned upside down and we headed off to CHEO once again. But that is a story for part 2.

Special thanks to Andrea for photographing and witnessing the birth of our baby boy. You did a beautiful job and i’m so glad I got to share the experience with you! xo

[oceanivoxjoquainx]

Let's talk about Eric Effiong

Let's be honest Eric's storyline and characterization is one of the most appealing out of all the characters in Sex Education periodt. A true gay, fierce, Drag QUEEN and I feel like ranting about this amazing force of nature. (Spoilers. Duh.)

When I saw the trailer for Sex Education it didnt even hit me that Eric was gay until I read the synopsis. Was just like "Oh I wonder which one of these three mains are the gay one people keep talking about" even after I saw him in drag like a dumbass 😣😂. Personally im glad we've reached a point where gay guys aren't overly feminine and even the brightest colours won't differ a character from the rest (unless I'm just a blind bish and he was obviously gay from the trailer) ei 👏🏾 ther 👏🏾 way; his character was refreshing when I started watching the show. I immediately clicked with him and knew what every look he gave or hand gesture he did meant. Felt nice. When Adam pushed him into the locker for the first time and started with the heterohomoerotic bs I knew that Adam had a raging boner for Eric and was another internalized homophobic bully™ and wasn't really excited for what was to come but I knew it was coming and tbh I liked it in the end.

Eric and Otis' friendship is so pure. Like?!? Get me a straight supportive bestie lilke Otis? Ik they fought but even then Otis was respectful and kept his boundaries and let Eric go through the motions before immediately belting into an apology at the first chance he got. Their dancing scene?!? Iconic. The fact that Eric sees Otis' house as safe and another home?!? Iconic. Otis going drag with Eric to watch an LGBT+ movie as a TRADITION (meaning they've done it numerous times)?!?! Iconic. The fact that Otis was straight up ditching Eric and Eric STILL tolerated him and let him do his thing without too much pressure!?! The most iconic of them all. Just pure love and respect all around.

I am so proud of Erics growth over the course of the season starting from a naive and scared gay doormat to facing homophia and getting beat up by those assholes on his birthday no less to losing his best friend and becoming depressed to channeling that anger into defending himself when people tried him to getting his sparkle back and coming back more fierce that ever before.

Speaking of him getting his sparkle back lets talk about that and why that scene is so important. A random guy asked Eric for directions and Eric noticed his nails were polished and the guy was wearing earrings and he was a big ole black dude. He was like Eric. When Eric noticed that the guy was out, loud, glamorous and proud he immediately switched back into the bright colourful and wonderfully gay Eric we all know and love.

THIS IS WHY REPRESENTATION MATTERS!!!!

It shows people that its okay to be who they actually are and inspires those who are lost to find or return to their true selves. Representation isn't just some offhand thing to throw on a character last minute. And even if you can relate to other characters who arent like you, it is always an amazing feeling to have a character that IS like you. It turned Eric from a popularity seeking doormat into a hurricane with 6 inch heels who was ready to straight up beat down a bully he's had for 4 years. It even inspired him to go back to church and rejoin a community that he closed off. That's exactly how it feels to have someone successful in the media and your life to look up to. Eric only interacted with that man for a few minutes but those few minutes changed his life for the better. So that's a lovely reminder for all who love to bash representation.

Back tracking to Eric's dull colourless period after the attack and his fight with Otis. It was saddening to see one of the brightest characters go dull and even the school felt it. He turned from a guy who rarely stood up for himself and what he wanted into the sass master he reserved only for his friends. All of his built up anger was released causing him to explode on Mr Hendricks (who is adorable tbh and just trying to do his best) and Anwar (I was proud of that punch you go glenn co co) and he even sounded off on his dad who he's usually passive aggressive to at worst. Just goes to show that the happiest faces can harbor the biggest pains and can snap. Moral of the story? Protect the happy few.

Eric also has a great family. Like that obviously know Erics gay and wears dresses because its all right there in his room which his parents enter at their leisure and while it seems that they're a bit homophobic its revealed that they (Erics dad at least) just wants Eric to be safe as he's already a target for being black and apart of an immigant family. He accepts Eric for who he is and what he does he just doesnt want anyone else to give him shit for it and if that's not one of the sweetest things in this world idek what is. Eric and his dad was probably one of my favorite dynamics in the show and watching his dad slowly fully accept that his son was strong and able to stand for himself he was able to become stronger too. This dynamic is important because I never see any gay black characters have a close relationship with their fathers and it was very heartwarming to watch.

Now onto Erics love life. He has a crush on the highschools other only gay guy Anwar who's the typical mean sassy gay we've all come to expect in highschool dramas. Otis saying that Eric doesnt have to have a crush on the only other openly gay guy at school was such a mood as its commonly shown that any gays in close proximity should get together. When Eric punched him I internally went "Finally!" Because all those jeers were becoming annoying. I'm glad Anwar got to come out to his mum over it though. And straight up told the audience that Eric didn't like feminine guys (alluding to him and Adams eventual clean up scene as of we didn't see it coming already).

Moving on to Adam tho, like I said we all been knew that this

was indeed coming and even though I hate the bully x bullied trope I still ended up liking it and hoping that Adam would change. The building up to that kiss was long awaited from episode 1 straight through to 8 with all the longing looks that Adam kept side glancing Eric with and the face cupping and the growls and the lingering touches. I just kept going sthdjksksbslaldbd when one of those moments happened followed shortly after with disgust because gays falling for their abuser is washed up but then immediately going back to jajaklamabsldkd because im shipping trash so 🤷🏿. Eric stepping to Adam in at the ball was one of the most iconic scenes of the show (along with the "Its My Vagina" scene) and the exchange between him and Adam gave be actual chills. The tension was THICCCC. Erics OUTFIT to the ball gave me chills 😭😭 dude came to slay and had everyone at that school proper shook and I honestly could NOT be more proud. I was hoping Adam would become a better person over the course of the season but nope so hopefully they cover all the issues that Adam has in season 2 and properly give him a redeption arc cuz he's still a trashy pos he's just a disaster bi on top of it. (Adam immediately going to suck Eric off is confidence I can only dream of achieving 💀💀) The lab scene was also cute but made me mad because how could Adam look scared, confident and still be a douchebag all in the span of a few seconds was beyond me. A+ acting on Connor Swindells part. I can see why Adam would have to stay in the closet and keep their... relationship?? a secret because it seems like Headmaster Groff would be a homophobic piece of shit and would add to the ever growing list of things Adam did wrong. Even so it doesn't excuse the fact that Adam is in fact a bully and Eric deserves much better. Was sad seeing Adam being driven off from Eric in the end tho. Eric thought that Adam didn't want to see him at all and was probably heartbroken and probably thinks Adam left because of him (my poor baby 😭😭). I feel bad for Adam too because he was just starting to express himself and was at the beginning of a redemption arc when he was just wisked away from the boy he's loved for what seems to be a very long time. I just want my boys to be happy and non toxic and I wish their relationship and them all the best in Season 2.

Eric Effiong is my favorite character in the show and I really want to thank Ncuti Gatwa for portraying him so well and for the shows writers who gave him a very fleshed out character with an amazing storyline and conclusion. His growth was incredible and his strength is immeasurable. I'm 100% certain that he will be a character the community remembers for years to come. Patiently now waiting on what's to come in Season 2 💙🙌🏾.

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[merrylittlehogwartsrp]

Happy Holidays, Emily! We are thrilled to “invite” Dean Thomas (fc Keiynan Lonsdale  ) back to Hogsmeade for a little forced Winter Cheer.  We particularly liked how Dean was set up for growth in this application--not necessarily launching a career post-Battle of Hogwarts and still learning about himself. Dean’s roommate is: Harry Potter!

OOC DETAILS:

NICKNAME: Emily

AGE (must be 18+): A grandma in the rp world

PRONOUNS: She/her

ACTIVITY ESTIMATE: I work on political campaigns and there is a race I am starting in January which kills my time immensely, but right now I have ample free time and can lurk/plot the whole time!

CHARACTER DETAILS:

FULL NAME & NICKNAMES: Dean Allen Thomas

BIRTHDATE: October 1st 1979 Dean is a FIRM Libra. “"The balanced beautifier of the horoscope family, Libra energy inspires us to seek peace, harmony and cooperation. The essence of Libra energy is charming, lovable, fair, sincere, sharing, beautiful and hopelessly romantic.“

BLOOD-STATUS: Half-Blood, although he grew up believing he was Muggle-born

* GENDER IDENTITY: Cisgender male (although I would like to eventually explore a world where Dean could be more open to referring to himself as agender or gender fluid)

* GENDER PRESENTATION/PRONOUNS: Fairly masculine, he/him

* SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Dean is bisexual, although he very only recently fully came to terms with this.

* NOTE: this does not have to correspond to canon, or to the temporary pronouns in the bios!

CHARACTER SITUATION:

OCCUPATION: Dean works at a sporting goods store near his house and while it is not his ideal job, it does leave him with plenty of time to focus on his art. This is the main way he copes with the last three years.

HOUSING: He lives in a tiny, tiny flat in Clapton. It’s about a thirty minute train ride to his home, and while he would like to stay at home, there simply isn’t enough room now that the girls are growing. Not to mention, he quite enjoys his alone time away from the chaos of his family occasionally.

SOCIAL STANDING: Dean still can’t believe that he is in The Order of Merlin, First Class, thank you very much. It’s a bit of a wild title, especially for someone that people consider Muggle-born. Dean is known as a friendly face, and will always be a friend to those who need it, but his name usually doesn’t garner recognition. And frankly, he prefers to keep it that way.

CHARACTER CONFIGURATION:

TALENTS/WEAKNESSES +Artistically inclined + Athletic, which made him a great addition as a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team -Potions. He could never get the portions right, not to mention he thought it a dull subject -Not a strong leader

STRENGTHS/FLAWS  + Bright; always knows just what to do or say to cheer someone up + Huge empath; keen ability to improve others moods + Loyal like no other person, whether that be to people or sports teams. He is your #1 Fan - Terrible at making decisions, which causes him to go with the flow a lot of the time -Self-less, which can lead to putting himself second and the needs of others first. Also causes a bit of a self-confidence issue

CHARACTER HISTORY: 

FAMILY BACKGROUND Being raised by a single Muggle mother, Dean learned early on to dislike his father, Alexander, with every fiber of his being. His parents had married young, and he always blamed their split on that. Alexander was too young, he got cold feet. Couldn’t handle a baby anymore, let alone being a father. While Martha never gave him an outright reason to dislike his father, Dean was the one acting out about it. Looking back, it was probably because he was compensating for his mother’s own nonchalance on the subject. Why wasn’t she upset? Why wasn’t she screaming? He later realized that her spending hours in front of the television set alone was her own version of screaming.

They had been fine. Martha and Dean had built a life together, just the two of them. They lived in a tiny flat and ate tiny meals and wrapped each other in tiny blankets and only each other could feel the warmth. The introduction of Graham Richards into Dean’s life was not a welcomed one. They met at his produce shop, sharing casual flirtations down the turnip aisle. Nothing made her laugh as much as those cabbages.

As Graham started spending more time in their flat, Dean started coming to terms with the idea that maybe he wasn’t all that bad. He had shit taste in sports, sure, but he was a great cook. And he made Martha happy. Damn, did he make her smile.

It took him eight years to propose to Martha, and by that point it came as no shock to anyone. They were already basically married, having moved in together years ago. Graham was basically already Dean’s father, having helped him through a break up and always supporting him in his art projects. Veronica and Bridget were already welcomed additions into the family, and shortly after baby Sam was no different.

Soon his tiny flat became a spacious three-bedroom. His tiny meals became three-course dinners. The blankets became shelters for movie nights and a home for Dean’s stories from school.

Since his father’s death, Dean harbors serious regret for his treatment of the man he barely remembers, mainly because of memories he lost and resentment he held. He wants to tell his father he is proud of him. That he understands all that he did in order to protect his family. That he would have done the exact same thing. While he can’t look back on many memories, he will always wonder what if.

LIFE DURING THE WAR: Not being able to return to Hogwarts for his final year was devastating to Dean. He loved his friends and he loved Quidditch and he loved the charmed sugar spoon that he used each morning in the Great Hall for breakfast. The fact that he was Muggle-born should not have affected his ability to attend school, but he quickly learned it was for his own good. He would stay up late and write letters his father would never be able to read. In those letters, Dean promised he would get through all this. He promised that, eventually, there would be happiness for at least one of them.

Dean wasn’t keen on having to fight in a war in his home away from home, but like a true Gryffindor, he pummeled himself headfirst into the throws of Battle. Finally, he felt welcomed again in this world. Perhaps it was the rush of finally seeing his friends after all this time (physically there, if mentally in pieces) and seeing Harry—his old friend, his sole source of hope when no one would believe that there was a reason to hope anymore—do what’s right that continued to propel him forward after all this time.

LAST THREE YEARS

Dean chose to fully immerse himself in the Muggle world. In the Muggle word, they can’t force him to run away from his friends and family. He loves being a wizard of course, but his last year on the run really took its toll on him. He still wakes up with nightmares when a neighbor makes too much noise. He is constantly afraid of being alone, as he was alone for most of his Final Year. Dean doesn’t want to think about life in terms of goals because, to be quite honest, he really has no idea what he wants to do after Hogwarts. A small part of him didnt even think he’d make it this far. Instead, he has a lot of different interests and ideas, but nothing that is jumping out at him right now. The Ministry of Magic is urging those in The Order of Merlin First Class to follow the career path of an Auror. And there is a part of him that feels he could make a great Healer or Auror, and another part of him that longs to be a Quidditch star, and somewhere inbetween there is his desire to paint and draw for a living. The more he thinks about it the more overwhelmed he gets, so he conveniently chooses not to think about it. His goal right now is a lot simpler than that–if he is forced to come back to Hogsmeade, enjoy this festive Holiday celebration before he can’t anymore.

HOLIDAY DETAILS:

The Thomases were never big Christmas-celebrators in the whole Navity-set-and-going-to-church kind of way, but they do spend copious amounts of time watching Holiday specials that come on the telly and they have a tree with an unhealthy amount of tinsel. Dean’s step-father is a fantastic baker and Dean has a competition with him and his younger sister that involves cooking competitions and ginger snaps. His mother always ends up declaring it a tie because she can’t decide. He always valued coming home for the holidays simply because he recognized the traditions he was making with his half-sisters and knew that he wanted to be as involved as he possibly could. Being away from these traditions is enough reason for him not to want to go back to Hogsmeade, but he felt like he couldn’t say no. They crammed in as many of these traditions as they could before sending Dean off on his own.

OOC SUPPLEMENT:

SHIPS:  I will not lie and say that Deamus makes me weep because clueless best friends to lovers hits a little too close to home for me, but I am also open to alternatives! Especially when Chemistry and Drama are thrown into the mix! Also super interested to flesh out Ginny and Dean’s past relationship, as I feel like that was not explored enough.

CHANGES: This is a very tiny tiny change, but I do think Dean will be excited to go to Hogsmeade. I always kind of thought of him as that guy who would actually want to go to a high school reunion of sorts, and I think it’s because he just loves his friends so gosh darn much!! He was robbed of a proper “Senior Year” and spent most of that year on the run. As a result, I think that he is spending a good portion of his life making up for lost time. Also because the kid loves a party, and a distraction.

FACECLAIM: Truly having a tough time debating between Keiynan Lonsdale and Alfie Enoch. I would not be mad with either!

[clumsyclifford]

hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU

[ratsntophats]

Personal

I doubt anyone will read this. I doubt anyone will care. But at this point, i need to get this out of my system. Im not looking for pity points. Im not looking for someone to give me anything at all. I just wish things were easier.

This year fucking blows. I know i know, i always try to be the optimist. Open minded, life is what you make it, yadda yadda. But honestly, there is a darkness in me too, and sometimes i just have to embrace the inevitable. I can't always be bright. I cant always feel hope. Right now i feel buried in the ground with no understanding or motivation to get back up.

Lets piece this one thing at a time.

January. January was pretty cool. I was in love with a girl and a boy, taboo I know. But i thought i was happy. I thought WE were happy. But i guess i was wrong. I was naive. I only saw what i wanted to, i guess? Anyway. In January we all went to Colorado on vacation. It was relaxing, it was fun. We eat, we got high, we saw new places. We even scouted out where we might want to move in a few years, a school we might want to attend. At the time I wasn't totally sole on this plan. Moving halfway across the country is a big deal. But no means did i think this event would bring about an end to my false happiness, the love i thought was reciprocated, from the girl i dumbly wanted to marry.

February comes around. The break up. Out of the blue i get a text. "We need to talk". I was at work when this happened. My heart sunk. Without any warning, or prior talks, i knew. I knew she had given up, somehow. I tried to convince myself that i was overreacting. Of course this wasnt what she wanted to talk about. But i retreated into the office, haunted by fear, anxiety, doubt, and confusion. I cried my eyes out. My voice came hoarse on the walkie system when my coworker tried to find me. He tried ro console me, but i couldn't explain. How could i tell him that i was dating her? She didn't want anyone to know. The entire relationship it killed me inside. I wanted the world to know that this beautiful girl was my girlfriend but she wanted to hide. She was ashamed of me, i guess. Of us. How could i explain that i thought my "roommate", who worked at the same company nonetheleas, was breaking up with me?

After a long, painful shift i returned home. We waited. She wasnt home. We waited. It wae last midnight when she returned to "talk". She explained that she had to talk to someone else first. Someone else she had just met and barely knew. She made us wait, in utmost confusion, until the middle of the night, for HER to explain what this"talk" was about.

"I think we should break up." I couldn't handle it. In one of my weakest moments, heartbroken, I ran outside the apartment sobbing, wandering the streets alone, in my PJs. I don't know how long i wae gone. Eventually we came back. More things werw discussed. I wasn't fully there, not for a while. Even after, i wasnt myself for some time. I don't know how i let it hurt me this bad. But i truly loved her. My dumb self loved her and watched her hook up with the random guy i was never supposed to worry about. It was over. She was never proud of me, of us. For all i know it could have meant nothing to her. And now here i am, almost a year later, still thinking of that beautiful girl.

The awkward month continued. I, luckily, started a new job which kept me busy. I was so excited to make a difference. I felt so proud of my first salaried job.

I was proud. Until, fast forward to months, shit hits the fan. On April Fools day of all days I get on the wrong end of a dispute with one of my clients and am shoved head first into a god damned TV stand. I have never seen so much blood in my life. I was rushed off to the ER, and found that i had broken multiple bones in my nose and cheek, plus a huge gash where i landed. I spend the night in the hospital. The next day, i am cleared to rest at home.

2 weeks of recovery go by slowly. I get a lot of messages of concern and well wishes. I return to work briefly, only allowed to do light office work. Then, i take a month long hiatus to recover from a surgery that fixes my mess of a face and protects against potential future damage with titanium plates. I am now a cyborg.

The next few months flew by, filled with stress and me trying to overcome my trauma, having to see the client that hurt me every day, having to walk into the room where i was hurt. I saw a therapist for the break up and post accident combo. I was a mess. I felt true fear for the first time. I didnt understand it and i didn't know who i was or who i had become. I felt ugly and unwanted. But i pushed myself to go to work, i pushed myself to face my fears. My work life improved so much that i no longer had a home life. I even went to work in my dreams.

Months went on like this, saying goodbye to old coworkers and hello to new ones. I strived to become better, but the job was eating me alive. I no longer felt that overwhelming fear i once had. Instead, i started to feel less and less. I wasn't myself. In fact, i hadn't been myself for quite some time. My passion for the job faded, though my love for my clients will always remain.

November. The kicker. I continued to search for jobs to free myself and make my life my own again. I had several mediocre interviews. None of them felt right. Then, i happened upon a job i truly wanted. A guidance counseling gig. My field. I spoke alone with the school principal and actually enjoyed an interview. Honestly, this was the best interview I've ever encountered. I left the school in such a good mood, excited for my future, buying my colleague donuts and coffee on my way back to the office. Though i had to work late that night, it was one night i didnt mind.

Two days later, i received a voicemail early in the morning. "I'd like to extend an offer of employment to you." I returned the call immediately after my shift, an excitedly accepted my first school counseling job! One that i had been fighting for for 5 years! Trying to be respectful, i spoke to my supervisor shortly after and gave my two weeks notice. I thought i was doing the right thing. I felt terrible for making things difficult on my colleagues, but i wasn't about to turn down this opportunity. This was my time to shine.

November 13th. I was supposed to start November 13th. The principal had informed me that i would hear back from the charter school HR in a few days, that they would be sending me over paperwork with salary information and so on. A few days passed. Nothing. I called the school, the principal was unavailable. I was told they would have him return my call. I gave them some more time. Nothing. I called again, but this time i was met with confusion. "Mr. P no longer works here." Completely baffled, i asked for more information and was told the new administrator would contact me as soon as possible. What had happened? What the heck was going on? I tried to stay optimistic and gave them more time. Still nothing. Eventually i was able to get a hold of the new principal who explained his hands were tied. He was fully aware of my situation and haf passed along my information to HR multiple times. I just had to wait for them.

I waited. And waited. Spoke to the original recruiter that contacted me about the job several times. He didnt know anything. His boss would contact me, he said. So i waited. Finally i received a vague email of some HR personnel asking for a good time to speak over the phone. I was able to clarify that this was one of the people I had been waiting for! We set up a time to talk and i anxiously waited for her to call me with my new salary and details on my start date.

She called, but not about that. This was an interview. A what? A interview. I had to continue to interview for the position i had thought i had already accepted. There was some weird ass miscommunication going on. But i went with it. Once the call was over, i just cried. I had been waiting and waiting for someone to give me more information, and now they had left me with even more questions?

Later that week, i think, my timeline is fuzzy, i received another phone call for ANOTHER interview. I had to interview once again for the job i thought was mine. I went, hoping for the best, but my stomach in knots. Once there, i was told to fill out an application. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? i filled out thw stupid paper and was eventually ushered into the woman's office for the worst interview of my life. I'm not kidding. I had the best and worst interviews in my life within one month FOR THE SAME FLIPPING JOB. The lady stonewalled me for over an hour. Seriously. Question after question after question. I lost myself. I couldn't answer so many of her specifics and the silence of my not knowung was killing me. I wanted to die. To top it all off, she asked me why i left my previous job. Are you serious? I was honest. I told her that i had accepted ths job from the principal and was due to start. No comment, no apologies for communication. She didn't even bat an eye.

And then it was over. I left and returned home, a wreck, on November 13th, the same day i was supposed to start working at my "dream job". Two days later i saw the job posted again on indeed. It still haunts me to this day. I never heard from the stonewall lady, or any of HR, again. Who knows where Mr. P went.

And here i am, nearly a month later, jobless, essentially a hermit, drinking a bottle of wine in the shower before crawling into bed and sobbing. Okay, it was like a 1/4 of a bottle. But still. I'm a mess.

Ironically? I was offered another job. Im going to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But i dont want it. I don't trust it. I actually didn't officially accept it but i think theyre trying to get me by all means possible. A marketing job. The people feel nice, but it feels sketchy. How sad that the idea of a new job makes me break down into tears. How do i know its mine? Do i even want it? What do i want? I dont know anymore.

This became far longer than expected. Perhaps I'm overdue. I wonder what the future holds for me.

[thedeliverygod]

Good Enough

yatori College AU

Chapter 18/?

AO3|ff.net

She was the first to wake up, the warmth of his body and the weight of his arm across her middle a reminder of her situation without even have to open her eyes. Thankfully, he hadn’t accidentally kicked or elbowed her in his sleep like he mentioned, but she was certainly stuck in her current position; her legs wedged and tangled with his in a way that made it nearly impossible to shift.

When she fluttered her eyes open and slightly lifted her head to peer around, she realized the room was still mostly dark but the far corner was illuminated by sunlight. Closing her eyes again, she thought, ‘It’s still pretty early and I kind of want to go back to sleep, but Yato is probably getting up soon and I need to get home…’

She tilted her head backward to peek up at him, his face completely relaxed and his small short breaths just barely reaching the corner of her forehead. She was almost tempted to reach out and brush the hair out of his face, but she decided against it so that she wouldn’t wake him up. Instead she lowered her head and snuggled up against him, closing her eyes again and letting out a breath.

Not much longer after that, Yato’s phone began to give off a loud and obnoxious melody. He groaned and reached blindly, snapping his phone open and closed again to shut off the noise. As he brought his arm back towards himself, his elbow bumped against the top of her head.

“Owww…” She whined loudly, looking up to give him a slight glare.

“Shit.” He grimaced and reached back over to stroke her hair, “Sorry…”

“We were doing so well, too.” She sighed with a shake of her head.

He gave her a confused look, “What?”

“You didn’t hit me or anything in your sleep, only when you were awake.” Hiyori answered quietly, giving a fake pout.

“It’s not like I did it on purposeee.” Yato whined in return and pressed his forehead to hers, “I’m sorry.”

She smiled widely as she locked her eyes with his, “And I’m just joking.” They stared at each other momentarily before she asked, “What time do you have to leave for work?”

“In about two hours. I always make breakfast for me and Yukine on the weekends since I have a little more time.” He pulled back from her, “You can stay for that too, if you want. But if you’re ready to go home—”

“Sure. I can help too.” She nodded.

He made a face and looked off towards the wall, “Ehhh, we’ll see. That kitchen gets crowded easily.”

“Whatever you say.” She hummed tiredly.

He untangled his legs from her and slipped out of the futon carefully before standing up, “You can sleep in and I’ll wake you up when the food’s ready.”

Hiyori rubbed her eyes, “Thanks, but I’m probably too awake now.”

He shrugged as he opened the door, “Either way, take your time.”

“Thanks.” She nodded, closing them again as he made his way into the hall. Immediately missing his warmth she tucked her legs in closer to herself and turned her head, snuggling into the pillow. The thought of going back to sleep was fairly tempting but she knew she had to get up. Exhaling, she pushed down the blanket and slid out of the futon. Feeling a little cold, she wrapped her arms around herself as she walked out into the hallway where she immediately found herself staring into a set of orange eyes.

Yukine looked up at her with a blank face and she immediately flushed, “Yu-Yukine-kun, good morning.”

“Morning.” He answered tiredly before doing a double take, “Wait, Hiyori!? What—”

“You sound like you’re feeling better.” She commented quietly, temporarily changing the subject before she continued with a sigh, “I fell asleep under the kotatsu yesterday and Yato was having a hard time waking me up so he, um, let me stay here last night.” Her mouth felt extremely dry and her heart raced, not knowing exactly what she was supposed to say.

Yato walked out into the hall finally and she immediately snapped her head in his direction, her eyes wide and questioning. He gave her a confused look in return until he looked between her and Yukine, parting his lips in understanding. “Ah, hah.” He gave a nervous laugh, “Mornin’, Yukine… Uh, Hiyori—”

The blonde boy was already flushed but he was turning an even darker shade of red as he walked past Yato and towards the bathroom, “I’m not a kid, you don’t have to explain.”

“But I—we—” Hiyori stuttered, but by that point Yukine had already shut the door. Letting out a heavy sigh, she looked back to Yato and mumbled, “Sorry.”

“I would say I could talk to him later, but I dunno if he’d believe me anyway.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a bit pink as well, “But I guess it doesn’t really matter what he thinks we did; it’s not like he heard or saw anything.”

Her face was so hot she practically could feel steam coming off of herself as she whispered, “B-but what if he did hear something…”

Yato started towards the kitchen, “He didn’t know you were here till he saw you this morning, right?”

“I think so.” She mumbled in response, following after him.

“Then we’re fine!” He glanced back with a quick flash of a smile.

Hiyori let out another sigh, turning into the living room and stating, “Let me know if you need help, otherwise I’m going to go hide my face in my hands for the next ten minutes.”

“Yukine probably won’t look you in the eye for a while anyway, so you don’t have to hide.” He answered back nonchalantly as he started to lay out everything onto the kitchen counter.

“That just makes me feel worse.” She collapsed onto her knees beside the table, pouting as she crossed her arms across the tabletop and laid her head down onto them.

“Like he said, he’s a first year in high school. It’s not like we corrupted him or anything, he made the assumption on his own that we ha—heyyyy, Yukine.”

Hiyori peeked upward as Yukine made an annoyed grunt in response shortly before heading towards where she sat. As he did, she immediately hid her face again, though couldn’t stop herself from looking again just a few moments later. He didn’t look upset as he flipped through the TV channels, just a bit uncomfortable as if he didn’t know what to say.

‘Not that I do either…’ She bit her lip and reached for her phone, scrolling through the notifications that she had missed. Seeing the multiple calls and texts from Yama and Yato both, she frowned, ‘Wow, no wonder they were worried about me.’ She moved to her inbox and went to message Yama, smiling sheepishly to herself.

Hey, Yama-chan, thanks for offering to cover for me last night. I guess midterm season is getting to me more than I thought. I’m staying for breakfast but I should be home soon. I’ll text you again when I’m leaving Yato’s apartment. Also I’m sorry if this wakes you up. I know it’s a little early, but I know you worried about me last night.

She had barely opened up the Twitter app when the chime went off to alert her that Yama had returned her text.

You did wake me up but its okay!! Anything exciting happen? ;3

Hiyori felt the blush start to return to her cheeks.

…You could say that.

-gasp- Hiyoriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Naughty naughty. Hmmm are you sure you didn’t end up staying there on purpose???

No! I swear we were just going to sleep and things just.. got a little heated for a few minutes I guess is the best way to put it I don’t know. Now things are kind of awkward with Yukine-kun since I stayed over; he of course thinks we slept SLEPT together probably so ugh yeah it’s just kind of weird right now…

She looked over at Yukine, who now looked more relaxed but his focus was deep into the TV screen; obviously still trying hard to not meet her eyes for any reason.

It’ll be okay! Plus even if you didnt really do anything at least getting the awkwardness out of the way early yknow?

Hiyori inhaled softly before she typed her response.

I guess so… still, I hate when things are this awkward. Anyway, I’ll see you soon. I’m going to go see if I can beg Yato to let me help with breakfast so I can distract myself.

Good luuuckkk

She sat her phone down on the table and rose slowly, dragging her feet as she made her way into the kitchen, “Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

“Nah, it’ll be done in a few minutes, don’t worry about it.” He answered with a small flicker of her eyes towards her.

“I can’t even help set out plates or anything for you?” She lingered at the counter.

He gave her a questioning look but shrugged, “I guess you can.”

Wordlessly, she moved towards the cabinets and started searching for the things she thought he might need. Thankfully the fact that she wasn’t too familiar with where he kept everything made the task challenging enough that that she could put her complete focus into it. By the time she was finished, the food was ready to eat, and all three of them quickly settled into silence as they turned their attention to their food.

Even when Yato tried to force a little bit of conversation, Yukine would only answer in short mumbles. It was only after she had changed back into her own clothes and was getting ready to leave that he finally really talked to her, though a light blush dusted his cheeks, “Uh, thanks for everything you did yesterday…” He shifted his feet and looked away, “I am feeling better.”

A relieved smile quickly took over her face, “Thank goodness! I’m so glad.” Her smile faltering a bit, she continued quietly, “I’m sorry about the awkwardness. We really didn’t—”

He waved her off before he started towards his room, “It’s fine. See you on Monday, Hiyori.”

“Right. See you then.” She nodded, lingering in the hallway as she waited for Yato to finish getting ready for work. When he finally emerged in a green and white striped shirt and dress pants, she parted her lips and did her best to suppress a small laugh.

He immediately gave her a sour face in return, “Yeah, it’s ugly, I get it.”

A smile took over her face before she reached out to touch his shoulder consolingly, “Sorry. But I know you don’t get to pick what you wear.”

“At least now you know no one will flirt with me at work.” He answered, automatically adding, “Not that they would anyway, but you know.”

She sighed and her gentle touch turned into a push as she moved behind him, urging him toward the door, “Let’s go.”

He turned his head back to glance at her questioningly, “What?”

“Not that I would exactly like people to flirt with you,” She answered as she started to slip on her shoes, a slight blush on her cheeks, “But I don’t want you to put yourself down, either.”

His eyebrows moved upward with intrigue and a small smirk took over his lips as he leaned in towards her, “Are you the jealous type, Hiyori?”

“I, I—” She felt herself warm up even more and her thoughts wandered to how she felt when they had run into Bishamon, stuttering, “I don’t know.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry.” Yato pulled away and his smirk faded into a genuine and soft smile as he moved towards his own shoes.

“T-thanks.” She stuttered again with a small nod, letting out a surprised squeak when he reached over to hold the back of her head.

Pressing his lips to her forehead in a quick peck, he mumbled, “Sorry for getting you flustered.”

Hiyori let out a breath, “It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last.” As they stepped out of the front door and closed it behind them, she admitted, “But needless to say, I think I need to go back to my dorm and recover from this morning. I was kind of lightheaded after that awkward situation with Yukine-kun.”

“You were really that worried about it?” He blinked in surprise.

“Of course! I don’t want things to be awkward between us.” She entangled her fingers together, fiddling with them, “Even if he’s not a young child and he jumped to his own conclusions, I still don’t want to make him uncomfortable like that. Maybe I should apologize…”

Yato held his hands out and waved them rapidly to dissuade her, “I’ll talk to him later, okay? I really don’t think it’s a big of a deal as you’re making it, but now you’re starting to worry me a bit too. Anyway, you didn’t intend to fall asleep and stay the night. Not to mention we didn’t really plan for things to—”

She cleared her throat loudly, interrupting, “I know, but still. But yeah, I guess if you think it’s better for you to talk to him then do that.”

“Alright, alright.” He paused at the corner of the street, commenting, “Guess this is where we part ways. You alright with walking alone again?”  

“Mmm.” She nodded and bumped her shoulder against his arm, “I’ll see you on Monday.”

“See you in about an hour on Twitter when I’m on my break.” He corrected with a grin, starting to walk away.

She gave a sheepish laugh, “Maybe. I don’t know, I think Yama-chan and Ami-chan are probably going to harass me about last night first.”

“Oh.” He took a step backward, wincing sympathetically, “Well, good luck with that.”

“Yeah, thanks. Hope you have a good shift at work.” She gave a small wave.

He let out a breath though gave a small smile in return, “As good as it can get, anyway, I guess. Thanks.” With that, he turned around and headed off and she did the same.

She had only taken a few steps before her phone went off in her pocket. Picking up, she answered, “Hey, Yama-chan. I’m on my way back now.”

“Good, good. I was gonna ask about that but the other thing, Hiyori—I was thinking. You prooooobaaaaaablyyyyy wanna change as soon as possible as you get home since you’re kinda doing the walk of shame in a way, if you catch my drift.”

Hiyori let out a high pitched noise in response before asking, “Do you really think someone would notice?”

“Maybe, maybe not. But better to be safe than sorry, I guess.” Yama answered.

“Thanks… I guess I’ll see you after I go upstairs, then.” She let out a sigh, “Jeez. Maybe I would have had the energy to walk home if I would have considered all the repercussions of staying.”

Yama immediately interrupted her, “Shush, it’s fine. We’re in college, remember? Besides, a lot of other people do a lot worse—I just know you get embarrassed easily so I wanted to give you a heads up in case you didn’t think about it.”

“And of course I didn’t, so yes, thank you.” Hiyori gave another sigh, holding her arms close to herself as she continued walking to attempt and somewhat hide her clothes, “I’ll see you soon.”  

[nekomimiranger]

Concert Chapter 6: Collapsing facades (final)

Sooo here it is. The final chapter of my Concert-Story. Sorry everyone for the slight delay but my physical condition didn’t let me do anything yesterday ^^ Im still a bit groggy but I wan’t this piece out there, as soon as possible :DD

This chapter will be a little bit different. How so? Well it is a concert and as such it features some lyrics. In fact, the songs that are featured here, are the songs that inspired me to write this story in the first place.

All credit to the songs go to the amazing Band Delain!

The amazing header again was made by the fabulous @fuzzywuzzylittletail

I put up a Youtube playlist with all featured songs so if you want to know what kind of band this is, feel free to listen to it :D

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHF3zU6UPf67xq8VixzEtiNW5sRtvXcUa

And now, without further ado, here you go!

Chapter 1: Friendship on the Brink

Chapter 2: Goodwil visit

Chapter 3: Apologies

Chapter 4: Crevasse

Chapter 5: Unexpected Encounter

Chapter 6: Collapsing facades

Collapsing facades The rapidly gathering crowed announced that the show was about to start any minute now. Judy was jumping in anticipation while the hall was filling with many mammals of every size.

“Nick, I am so excited! Chuck told me the band is extremely cool. He said their concerts always are great and loud!”

This made Nick remember something and he put something out of his pocket.

“Here, Carrots. Please put these in.” He presented her a pair of earplugs.

“Are your serious?” Judy asked in disbelief.

“Trust me, your ears are way to sensitive to the volume. Don't worry, you'll hear well enough!”

The sincerity in his voice made her give in quickly and he was right, she still could hear with them plugged in. Judy just finished her carrot juice, when the lights in the hall went off with an audible “thud”. The crowd began to cheer over the sudden darkness that announced the beginning show. The cheering grew even louder when an big AnimaliA logo was projected on the black curtain and the music started to play. Unexpected to Judy and Nick, the first instrument they heard was the piano. In addition, it sounded like playing violins supported by the humming of a choir. After a few moments the drums started to play and the logo began to pulsate to the now eminent beat that slowly grew faster. Another few seconds later, the crowd began to cheer in Ecstasy as the guitars and bass kicked in. The logo fainted and one by one, fitting to the beat, names showed up in front of an instrument. “The names of the band-member”, Nick thought.

Bruce -  in front of what looked like a guitar

Charles - another guitar.

Anne - another one?

Michael – Drums

Spots – A keyboard

Charlotte – A microphone

Just as the last name faded, the music stopped and a voice was heard.

I looked at the stripes the monarch flies I hold my cries If my friend, if you can change perhaps then so can I.

After the choir grew silent the guitar started to play a silent little melody supported by the keyboard. The melody grew louder and suddenly with a huge flash of light the curtain fell to the ground revealing the band that started to kick in.

The crowd went crazy, jumping, screaming and clapping to the beat.

Nick was taken by surprise by the sudden change of lightning and had to blink a few times to see what was happening in front of them. As he tried to see through the bright flashing lights that emitted from the stage, he made out a tigress, playing a guitar like instrument and waving her head on the left side of the stage. On the opposide side, he could see a wolf with another guitar, banging his head to the beat likewise.

After a moment he could hear a female voice starting to sing to the music, just as he finally managed to see clearly again and he saw the singer right in front of them was a ..... "Bunny?" he thought amazed. Her fur was pure white except the fading red and orange flames that were painted on her ears and the combination with her scarlet red dress gave him the expression of a flash of fire as she was jumping over the stage singing with such a rich voice it made him wonder how this could come out of someone so small.

He couldnt clearly understand what she was singing about for the noise of jumping crowd was overwhelming but a few snippets went into his ear.

I walked away, and left you bleeding As I kicked the mud off my feet I lay on the ground and watched you leaving My heart fights for every beat

This passage somehow sounded familliar to Nick but he couldn't place it. All he knew was all in a sudden he had a feeling of guilt swelling up inside him. He was pulled away from this thoughts as he noticed a violent push on his arm. He looked down to Judy and saw her excited face as she was jumping up and down and screamed "A BUNNY!!!" He could hear her over the crowd and had to laugh at her excited and surprised expression. But still something just hit him besides Judys fist that keeps bumping his arm and this hurt way more.

It's not enough! How hard I try It's not enough! "Good evening Zootopia!!!" The Bunnys scream pulled Nick out of his thoughts. "Are you having a good time?"

The answer was a deafening uproar that made Nick flinch and he also saw Judy shouting her agreement as well. It seems she found a new hobbie. Who would have thought she'd be into this that much.

"I see we got many different mammals here, tonight. Pred, prey, big, small. This is perfect. I love seing everyone getting along so well."

Again the crowd cheered to that statement. Charlotte, as Nick remembered is her name, was looking around and as she was looking in his direction, he thought she locked her gaze with his. She smiled and continued her speech,

"The next one is for everyone. No matter what you are, what you do.... or what you are into."

She was grinning in Nick and Judy's direction as she said the last part.

"Spots, do you mind?" She asked the Giraffe that was playing a very high standing Keyboard and he started playing a little melody, that made the crowd go wild as they must have recognized it in an instand.

When the drums started to play to the song, giving it his final push and a fast beat, he noticed for the first time the drummer who was a... squirrel? He didnt see him at first because he sat in front of huge speaker that were connected to his small drumset, behind he was partly hidden.

Now that he saw him, Nick had to force himself not to laugh at that bizarre spectacle as the squirrel, who wore shades just like Nick's favourite pilot sunglasses, went crazy and hit the drums as fast as he can.

Charlotte was again jumping wildly to the beat of the song and only sang while dashing from one side of the stage to the other and back. The audience was still cheering ferociously, jumping to the beat and in general having a great time. The atmosphere of pure joy, the hall was filled in the second this song started made Nick think, this song must be something special to the fans and the band.

When Charlotte stopped for the refrain and only held her microphone towards the audience, even Nick got goosebumbs as the crowd began to sing the refrain in an cacophony of voices from the  sharp voics of the mice to the deep trumpeting from the elephants.

We are the others, We are the cast outs, We're the outsiders But you can't hide us, We are the others, We are the cast outs You're no longer on your own If you feel mistreated, Torn and cheated, You are not alone, We are the others

The energy this song emitted was almost touchable and Nick was amazed by the way the audience and the band seemed to righteout celebrate this song. He saw a Tiger and a Goose sing that song arm in arm and he even noticed a Mouse dancing on the head of an elephant who supported the rodent with his trunk so he wont fall down. These guys really dont care what or who one another is. The normal resentments he saw in his daily life just weren't here. He understood that this song wasnt just some platitude or  slogan on a bumper sticker, no, these guys LIVE it.

Nick was so lost in his thoughts by the end of the song, that he even didn't notice, he was shaking his head heavily to the rythm of the song. Judy noticed it and was grinning wildly as Nick tried to return to his cool temper he tried to uphold at any times, even at concerts.

After the end of the song, Charlotte began another speech to the audience.

"I see, you all are having a good time tonight. Well, we do. And it's amazing to see all the different animals untited."

A cheer emitted from the audience.

"I know that these topics might be hard to handle but isn't life to short to be afraid of our differences? Shouldnt we better celebrate them?"

The cheering returned louder.

"Anyway. From personal experience I know how hard it is to overcome the fears, the doubts. You are afraid to hurt someone?"

Nick noticed her longing stare toward --- the wolf(?!)

"Don't give up and give them the chance to take away this fear."

Now she was again looking directly at Nick and Judy. Was this a coincidence?

"GET THE DEVIL OUT OF ME!"

Again the keyboard started the song and shortly after the other bandmembers joined in.

Charlotte started to sing again and jumped toward the Wolf with the guitar next to her. Nick tried to remember his name.

"Charles, I think. He must be Wolfards cousin!", he realized.

I don't know what to feel I don't know what to say Oh, I don't know what to do What makes me treat you this way?

She walked across all of the stage while singing but occasionally jumped back to Charles, who was playing his guitar hard, and shared a wicked smile with him.

I'm no Jesus Christ I'm the one mistake That you love to hate I apologize It's your destiny To get the devil out of me

The song was fast paced and the audience was going wild again during the whole duration of it. When it was over, the hall erupted in loud cheers that went on for a long time.

Charlotte encouraged the crowd to cheer further by raising her paws in a wave like gesture which made them shout even louder. She visibly enjoyed this and walked to Charles who stood on her right. When she reached him, she jumped on his back without hesitation and climbed on his shoulders in one single thrust. She looked so small compared to him and the way she grabbed his head to keep herself from falling down made Nick wonder, what might be going on between them.

“Quite a nice view you got up her, big boy.” she said jokingly.

“Now. Who of you is in a relationship right now?” she asked the microphone.

A loud clamor was the answer.

“Great. And who wishes to be in a relationship but hasn't got the guts to ask the chosen one?”

The cacophony wasn't as loud but still enough to make the walls shake.

“And who of you want's to have a relationship but is too scared to start?”

Nick's eyes widened to that question.

“Well, I've been through something like that. And well, the next song was the outcome. I really felt... DEEP FROZEN!”

The giraffe started some sort of Xylophon melody and the other member kicked in soon after. Nick was anxious about the song. Her question did hurt him, it sounded as if she was talking to him and this scared him.

Charlotte started to sing, still sitting on the Wolf's shoulders,

“Misted windows Hide your empty eyes Every moment, every whisper Separates you from me”

Nick was taken aback. He looked at his breast pocket, where he saw his sunglasses.

“I’ve been screaming Won’t you let me in? Let me see a trace Of the places hidden Under your skin”

Charlotte held her microphone in front of Charle's face, who was carefully playing his instrument not to shake too much, compared to the previous songs. He then started to growl in a deep guttural voice:

“I foster illusions Of which I am afraid unknown emotions Repel your embrace I foster illusions Of which I am afraid afraid of your embrace”

Nick was on the verge of fainting when he heard this lines. Did they read his thoughts? What is this all about? Charlotte continued:

“Needles sting me When you look away And your silence Sounds like deafening screams to me I’ve been waiting Won’t you open your heart? And let me in Please let me in”

Nick was looking at Judy now. Her ears were hanging low and she bend on the face in front of them. She looked like she was feeling down. He realized, she must be thinking the same thing as Charlotte was singing in this song. He really kept his silence. He really looked away. This must have been hell for her. Nick felt horrible.

Charles repeated his lines again and when he finished, Charlotte jumped down from his shoulders and now stood in front of Judy and Nick. Nick felt like she was looking at them when she concluded the song with a verse that sounded like a plead directed to him and him alone. “I am imagining things”, he thought.

“Free your mind from doubt All you have, is now Free your mind from shame It will only bring you pain”

The song ended and the crowed fell back to its usual applause and screaming. Nick wasn't feeling like cheering though. The song did hit him harder than he expected. The feeling of guilt returned and hurt him more than ever before. He caught himself staring at Judy the whole time and took some time to realize she was looking at him in return. Her eyes looked beautiful like ever but he also saw a hint of tears, forming up. He felt like he should say something but Judy broke their eye-contact and nervously pretended to concentrate on the stage again.

He has to set things right, he thought. But not now. “I'll wait until the concert's over. I need a more private place for this.”

Nick wasn't a moron. On the contrary, he knew how to add one and one together and after the next song, he was sure, Wolfard had spoken to his cousin about Nick's “problem”. The song was a slow and kind of sad song about parting ways.

“After the guilt, they planted within me, they also want me to fear, losing Judy for good?”, he thought when he heard the beautifully sung lines,

I want to lay my head down Come closer, come closer I thought you'd turn me But you were turning around I think I'm losing you Losing you again Why didn't you stay a while To say goodbye, my friend My friend

“Well, they succeeded.” he sighed.

Nick had a hard time paying attention to his surroundings and the going on's on stage as he was lost in his thoughts again. He did not notice the surrounding audience that went crazy during the following fast paced songs, of which he didn't get anything at all, or even Judy, who managed to enjoy the show more than he did. Her ears were flapping up and down in front of his face while she was again caught by the music and let it lead her movement but he did not notice it.

“This is all a setup by Wolfard!” he finally thought which made him snap out of it just in time to get the next hit of feelings delivered as Charlotte and the tigress Anne sang a ballad together.

Standing in the shadow of our lies To hide our imperfections, Doing anything we can to hide. Eyes wide open but still blind To see what really matters, And insecurity won't go, See me in shadow.

“Yes I know I was blind! Yes I know I can't control my insecurities!” Nick was screaming inside.

And all the purples and the greens Have turned to black. And the ruins of your soul Have died, no more meaning. I wonder when you have Become so cold

The song ended and Nick was again frozen. Judy's concerned look got him out of it and he tried to fake his emotions by smiling at her and signing a fake yawn as to show her he is fine but tired. He started to move to the following songs to show her he is still there but inside he was far, very far away.

“It was a great night with you guys!” Nick heard Charlotte shouting towards the audience.

“And we are reaching the final of tonight's party but I hope you are ready for a few more songs!”

The hall was shaking by noise that followed that statement pulling Nick out of his thoughts again.

Don't you know In the end you're no stronger of hand You are no stronger of heart Don't you know In the end, we'll be tragically torn apart If we can't control the storm

Charles, who sang this part in a surprisingly clear voice compared to his guttural growl from before, was right, Nick knew. He had to control the storm inside himself or else he will lose his biggest treasure and will regret it for the rest of his life.

He made the decision anyway and finally could see what he has to do clearly in front of him. The following song encouraged him further to let go of his insecurities and act up to his true feelings.

"Would you fall, give it all Would you give it all for me? Sucker-punch the demons from my dreams

“Judy would for sure!” Nick thought, “And its time I start to do the same!” He checked his watch. When will the concert end? He wanted to talk to Judy in private. Show her what he felt. Finally committing himself to her for real.

Charlotte was about to talk again as her eyes and Nicks met again. He had the eerie feeling she knew what was going on and smiled wickedly.

“Okay everyone. We had a blast tonight and it's about time to end this party but yet I noticed that some of you, still haven't had the relief they needed.” She was staring at Nick while she said this.

“Maybe our last song will change that because it is time to end your masquerade!”

Charlotte walked to Charles looked him deep into the eyes and started to sing,

“Your face, my face You breathe, I breathe You fail, I fake I pray, I pray...”

She walked back in front of the audience, and in front of Judy and Nick,

“You lose, I lose, You bruise, I bruise I hunt, you stay My prey, My prey”

“Hunt? Prey?” Nick was completely pulled out of his thoughts as he heard this. Charlotte seemed to look at him as she continued,

“My Masquerade If you’re not afraid To take a step into my world”

“I will kill Wolfard after this.” Nick decided after this new hint at his involvement. Still, this song fit his feelings like a glove.

Charlotte was again walking to Charles and pointed at him in a prompting gesture,

“A ball, tonight Cover your eyes By touch and taste We’ll find our way”

“Yes!” Nick suddenly realized. “Yes! There must be a way. And I know it now!” He was looking down at Judy who were jumping to the fast paced beat of this song, not noticing the determined glance in Nick's eyes.

“Your secrets deep Yes I will keep I hunt, you stay My prey, my prey”

He grapped her left arm with his paws and startled her by the sudden touch. Judy looked up at him, stopping her dance as she noticed his serious stare.

“My Masquerade If you’re not afraid To take a step into my world”

Charlotte noticed that something was happening in front of her and she walked closer to her boyfriends cousins friends. A big grin formed in her face while she was still singing.

“Take of your mask the world will see The freak in you The freak in me”

Nick bowed down towards Judy and said something in a soft whisper that was swallowed by the noise that surrounded them. Judy couldn't hear it but she read it on his lips.

“Tonight we hide From judging eyes”

Their faces closed in together until, ....

“Take of your mask the world will see The freak in you The freak in me”

….they connected in a kiss that was followed by a loving embrace.

Charlotte saw the two lovebirds in their embrace and was barely able to continue to sing. She smiled widely and was jumping in excitement.

“We’ll dance until the sunrise “

Except a few other mammals that stood around Judy and Nick, no one noticed the scene that occurred at that moment.

The song ended and the crowd was cheering, clapping and still jumping around but Judy and Nick still stood there in their own little world.

This scene of the embracing couple surrounded by wildly cheering mammals must have been so obscene, that Charles was laughing hard as Charlotte noted him towards his cousins friends to show him their mission was a huge success.

Judy and Nick couldn't care less about that as tears were running down Judy's cheeks because she now finally knew that Nick's love for her was bigger than his fears.

Nick felt like a huge weight just fell off his back and he was sure, whatever the world will throw at them, whatever small-minds will say.

He will never let his bunny go.

Also, he thought,

“Maybe Rock Music isn't that bad.”

I know that the music used in this might be bad for some of you and maybe you can’t see the connection to Nick and Judy but I had to get this Idea out of my head because it was haunting me for a long time ^^

And now I need a break xD

I still hope you enjoyed it ^^

As a little extra, here are some bonus images, @fuzzywuzzylittletail did for this story :D She is so awesome, dont you agree? xD

@pyrophoricitee @meimeithewhiterabbit @cloudyloudy @justalizardking @reddoshirousagi06 @fox-comics @notactualusername @ryutolbx @yasminoliveira534 @crewefox @zootopepo @fourthdimension99 @chernwei5784 @mama-sally @emma89uk @ceizo @alexboehm55144 @nami-things @evilbrotagonist @rkaoril @chayadollomtong @ilovephinbellalove1

[chunmakowski3-blog]

mature wanker - Six Tips That Will Make You Guru In Mature Fap

About a week ago I received a relatively innocent Snapchat photo from a girl Id long given up any of hope of ever hearing from again... mostly because theres about 8,000 miles separating us. Ill call her Cèleste for our purposes today. We had a short "How are you" conversation as prior lovers are prone to do and the reminiscing on her has lead me to resolve to contribute to this sub instead of just lurking today. Ill be including some buildup as frankly its inseparably woven into the fabric of my memory of this night but Ill include a break down below for you to skip to if the sexy is what you seek. Additionally there may be some moral choices present that you may or may not agree with.. thats your prerogative. The Friday night we met was a pretty normal fall Southern California evening. I had worked the day shift at the bar where I was employed and got off around 6pm after helping with the happy hour rush. I came home to an empty house. My wife at the time had gone down to LA from the small college town where we lived with a couple of friends and our housemate to a concert/celebrate a birthday but unfortunately I wasnt able to get off work the full weekend so I was left behind.. which was fine with me anyway, the band wasnt my thing and I dont care for clubbing which was mostly their whole weekend plus my wife and I hadnt really been getting along for the better part of four months anyway so I figured some time to decompress and be alone would be nice. I hit downtown about an later and found a spot at the bar of a place Id walked past a few times but never gone inside. It had an eclectic vibe split between people watching playoff baseball and dancing to the loud house music pumping so I figured Id hang around. She came in with her friend about thirty minutes later. She was maybe 53" in her dark converse sneakers. She cut a great figure (I had no idea) in a gray T-shirt with French writing and dark jeans.. But I think it was the black leather jacket that really oozed confidence and raw sensual mystique. When she sat at the bar I had a flashback to college: that first day of class when everyones picking seats and a cute girl walks in, surveys the room and winds up picking the seat next to you. I wasnt even single or looking for a girl to pick up and it still had me flustered a bit.. but once they had their drinks and started chatting with each other the feeling passed and it was back to baseball. Or at least so I thought.. shortly after returning from a cigarette break her friend began talking with a young man and Cèlestes attention wandered. I cant remember who started the conversation (likely her), but Ill never forget the feeling of being entranced staring into her gorgeous bright green eyes while she repeatedly pondered how anyone could enjoy "bays-bowl". I answered her sarcastic jabs with a bit of sass and it piqued her interest enough to skip the next smoke break. The connection was almost instant. We ordered a couple more rounds and talked about cultural differences, history, languages and education. When shed first come in Id guessed she was an exchange student at the local University, perhaps 19 or 20 using a fake ID but in fact she was 23 and freshly graduated. She and her friend were taking a three month long tour of California before taking jobs back home. The conversation inexorably turned to our love lives and after telling me she was single and not looking to settle down any time soon she asked about me. Drunk with infatuation (and maybe a couple of whiskey shots) I replied that I too was single and just working in town because.. hey, its a college beach town. This is a time to mention that this only worked because I didnt have a wedding ring on. My wife and I had decided to forego rings in favor of matching tattoos.(We were HS sweethearts. Young and dumb, I know.) Eventually Cèleste wants to go somewhere else as she and Nathalie were only in town until tomorrow. Nathalies beau had ditched her so they ask me to lead them somewhere new and fun. We take off as Nathalie closes her bill but as were walking down the street Cèleste starts feeling not so good.. I lead her down a side street and into an alley where she proceeds to... Yeah. I hold her hair until shes done, then flag Nathalie down and offer to call them a cab but for whatever reason Cèleste decides she wants to stay out. She drinks water at the next bar while sobering up as Nathalie flirts until last call and then we head to the beach. The three of us sit on the sand listening to the waves and share a spliff while we look at the stars and talk until about 4am. It was so serene and the mental stimulation/connection I felt with her during that chat will forever stay in my memory. Cèleste is much more sober than Nathalie as this point and starts talking about getting an Uber for their 45 minute trip home. In my infatuated stupor I offer my house as an alternative. Now, wary reader, before you assume my awful intentions I wasnt thinking with my little head. Id ruled anything like that out the second those drinks had come back up for a visit. I explained how my roommates were out of town and that theres a spare bed they could have. Cèleste hugged and thanked me and they agreed so we caught an Uber home. Cèleste was very cuddly on the drive, thanking me for being such a gentleman after her episode while Nathalie was basically about to pass out. We got in the house and I showed them their room/bathroom and said goodnight. I heard the shower turn on as I changed out of my clothes, turned off the lights and closed my eyes listening to the water falling and thinking about my strained marriage and exciting it was feeling a romantic connection with someone for the first time in a long time. The next thing I remember is being jolted awake at the feeling of the bed moving and waking up to see the outline of a curvy nude body and those gorgeous green eyes crawling towards me in the darkness on hands and knees. I could see the outline of a smile creep across her face and her arm lightly grazed mine. My brain started a fight between the alarm of "What are you doing!?!" and "Wow..." Id had group experiences with my wife before but never gone behind her back like this. The reservations began building in my stomach, but those eyes drank away all of my hesitations. Id been staring at them all night, mesmerized, and when her arm grazed mine the warmth of her skin was enough to send me over the edge of hesitation. I reached my hand up and cupped the side of her face, bringing her closer to me. She inched forward until I felt the tip of her erect nipple on my chest. Her breathing quickened as I smiled back. She whispered "I wanted to brush my teeth before I did this" in that sultry accent and leaned in for a soft but passionate kiss. I returned it as my hands began exploring her body. My right hand came off her face and immediately went to her round full ass. It was so soft, round and full. Id been staring at it all night and determined the jeans shed worn had done her ass plenty of justice. She moaned lightly into my mouth as I gripped her cheek and pulled her body down on top of me. I knew she could feel me starting to swell against her thigh and she broke our kiss, lifting her head up to grin. "Quest-ce que cest?" She cooed, reaching her down my stomach and under the lining for my boxers. She ground her thigh gently against me as her small hands wrapped around the head of my rapidly rising penis. I grunted quietly and began softly kissing her neck and upper chest, nuzzling my way towards her breasts still keeping a firm grip of her ass as her petite fingers worked their way as around my tip and down the length of my shaft as best the could. She leaned back indicating she wanted up so I let her get to her knees. The moonlight coming through the window illuminated her frame as she worked to try to get my boxers off and I could finally clearly see her chest. I was pleasantly surprised to see that even only being 53" she was blessed with very full Cs that were extremely perky.. I heard a gasp as she finally released me from my boxers and apparently discovered that I was equipped above her expectations. She leaned down presumably to inspect closer but the next thing I knew I felt a warm, wet, enveloping sensation as she pressed her tongue flat and firm against the bottom of my cock and slowly dragged it up the entire length. She was on her knees now just to my side closely inspecing the tip of my dick with her tongue when she again dragged her tongue up my length. I groaned loudly and then inhaled sharply as a primal lust began building in me. Reaching out my hand I slapped her ass hard, triggering a moan from her. She remarked about my size, mumbling about how Im the biggest shes tried to blow as she continued taking a mouthful of my now rock solid dick. I groaned in reply and slapped her ass again as she started to circle the outline of my tip with her tongue. I told her to stop teasing me and take it already, which she enthusiastically did. My fingertips traced her lower back as she lowered her mouth in small increments before pulling back and repeating. I made my way to the outline of her pussy to find she was soaking wet and easily slipped a finger inside of her. My lust grew with every sloppy slurp of her swallowing me and every moan of pleasure from feeling my fingertips teasing her swollen pussy lips before disappearing inside her. Finally I couldnt sit idly by anymore. I picked her head up off me and pushed her head down to the mattress. Her as looked amazing sticking up into the air as I got to my knees, kneeled beside her and buried my fingers into her pussy to the knuckle. She gripped the sheets as I watched her face contort and her mouth go agape. I began thrusting my fingers into her, giving myself a break from stimulation as I teased her gspot with my fingertips and smasked her ass with my free hand. In case you loved this article as well as you would like to get details regarding mature smoking video i implore you to check out the website. She moaned repeatedly rocked her hips back to meet my fingers and with her rhythm building I could tell she was close. Listening to her groans made me feel so powerful and animalstic. I asked her repeatedly "You like that? Huh?" uncaring about her milfs friends response though it was always yes. I told her how sexy she looked as I held the back of her neck and finger fucked her wet pussy. I took my left hand and reached under her, first squeezing her nipple before letting my hand slide down her stomach to her clit. I barely applied any stimulation before she gripped my calf with her arm and let out a loud "Yessssss!!" as I moved my hand in a circle across her clit while continuing to thrust into her with my fingers. I got a small cut actually from where her fingernails dug into my leg as her orgasm hit a crescendo and she bucked backwards onto my fingers one last time before collapsing. We smiled and laughed as she recovered. During the down time I lost my erection which she promptly massaged back to life. The lust to take her quickly returned and I rolled her onto her back, taking her legs in my hand as she guided my girth between her legs and inside her. Her pussy felt so warm and wet, it squeezed every inch as I made my way inside. She moaned with every small thrust until my whole length was soaking wet. I put her legs over my shoulders and grabbed her hips as I began long stroking in and out. The combination of hearing her moans of pure pleasure and the movement of her hips as she rocked back onto me as I filled her up, her pussy clenching and squeezing every inch of my to try and milk my seed into her was unlike anything Ive ever felt. I grunted loudly as we picked up the pace and found a rhythm together. I was entranced by the sight of her full, pert breasts bouncing and swaying with every thrust and zoned out slightly.. unable process the overwhelming amount of positive stimulation and forgot everything except my primal need to fuck this beautiful creature beneath me and fill her with my seed. I barely even noticed her second orgasm until she started tapping my shoulder, signaling me to slow down. I hadnt cum yet but we were both tired and out of breath so she told me to fuck her again and not stop until I cum. I leaned in the kiss her and slowly started gyrating my hips inside her as I did. She groaned lightly, grabbed my ass and pulled me even deeper into her as we built a new rhythm. Eventually it became too much and I felt that familiar feeling building within me. I began to speed up and let my strokes build longer. I told her I was going to cum soon and her response was an airy "Très bien". I felt her begin to contract the walls of her pussy after I said that milking every inch of me to coax my cum out. I asked her where to cum and she replied "anywhere". It took every ounce of discipline in my sexy mature big ass body not to continue pumping and fill her up but I held back, pulling out and releasing my load all over her chest. Her tits were completely covered as she leaned up and stuck out her tongue to clean up what was left on my dick. After we cleaned up she cuddled up next to me, I wrapped my arm around her and we fell asleep. In the morning, once the whiskey wore off, I started to feel then pangs of guilt realizing the gravity of what Id just done but that was temporarily alleviated as Cèleste woke up and we proceeded to have sex again. Her body was just as beautiful in the morning light. We kissed goodbye as she and Nathalie got in the Uber to go back to their hotel, then kissed again after I had to meet her about 2 hours later after she noticed shed left her leather jacket at my place. It was a different kiss, that second one... Ill always remember that too. /u/sexytimethrownow

[astraltraveller]

not an end to all the endings.

so i guess the last time i made a post about this, it was late aug ish. early sept maybe. i remember being crushed after. i remember feeling used because rarely does a guy want to have sex with me and not want to date or try someting. especially when the guy seems like a good guy. and i remember so fondly of the hope that surged the night of. when i got that apology msg and actually felt like maybe there was something there. my heart lept. it surged. it was a rushing and hopeful feeling, the feeling I had rarely exdperieneced from my history of being with someone who didn’t nkow hwo to appreciate me or apologize for their mistakes. itw as such a breath of fresh air and deep down inside i had a feeling that he was going to do a 180. i din’t think he would ask me out to date me, but i knew it would be at least asking for a second chance. and a second chance it was. i remember not expecting to go to a nice place at all. i remember walking agood 15 min to a nice, hipster, refreshing, new start place. I wanted to say that iwanted to go back ot that time but i dont know if i really do. I dont know if anything will change.i rmember tryign ot put off the conversation because i knew what was coming and my heart was saying this is it and my head was saying this is too good to be true. And i had just finished being hurt, i didn’t think there would be a second call. I just didn’t want to deal. When it finally poured out what was really up, intnerally i was jumping for joy because it was even better than waking up from a bad dream. It was as if you turned back time and could change it all. Coming out of a bad dream means just that. It doesnèt affect what actually hpapens. Fror me on that day, something actually changed. Iwas happy. I was grateful. I never felt that way before about a guy being so forward with an apology. it felt so nice. it felt so mature. for a while i believed this was something different. it was like a fresh start. I felt hopeful, I felt liked. I felt like someone made a mistake and was trying to get me back. it was like with soumil but … more raw. without such a big long mistake. it was a short pinch, an injection with an old school vaccine. rough and hard but it’s so fast it really barely has time to make a lasting impression. it doesn’t leave longing. it leaves soreness that feels good, that feels like life experience.it was thrilling. i remember it was suhc a heart to heart. i was quite happy in that moment ot hear, even indirectly, that this person had in fact not meant what they said, that they actually would consider dating me, and that they made a grievous mistake, grievous enough to backtrack and fix it right away. to swallow one’s pride.

I did find it strange shortly after that there was some distance. there was chatting, but i recall it as not quite on the same wavelength. they didn’t show up often. it wasn’t reliable. i would later find out that it was a tooth infection, being sick, and being busy.

bad liars always lie.

I believed him though. i believed it because those things happened. i lamented to amit about it. hwo annoyed i was. how at the coffee shop he had suggested going for lunches and then going to drinks. (never dinner, oddly). to which i always said yes. was always thrilled. was on the defense and never offered first because i had jsut been hurt and was cautious. even initiating of messages was liek that. i was playing this weird game wherei would avoid talking last because i noticed he would always type a message after. i woud also rarely initiate, a what’s up, etc. pictures became less frequent.

a side note. i will talk about this more later but i actually spent most of my train ride today pondering why things ahd changed. wondered if is houd say something. not sure waht to say, so i scrollled through all the messages from the beginning. realize that he talked on an almost daily basis. lots of talking points. long messages. lots of pictures. i don’t know where that went. if anything, wouldn’t your interest be piqued and you feel more comfortale sending them later?  iremember when i went to visit mill in canaidan thanksgiving. i remember awaiting messages. i even played the mute game because i ddint want to know. evenutally i got a reply ot a picture i sent pretty promptly but i didnt ralize til a day later. i was internally a little devastated because i remember that during my interview trip, he had messaged a lot, not only to check in on how i was, but also to send pictures. liek the blender bottle. and stuff from the cottage. and i don’t know why i epxected that to happen again. but even by then things had changed. this was after the coffee. i was thinking to myself, what did i do wrong? where is this clarity? i knew deep down my gut instinct to message him and send one of the few tumblr drafts i had just didn’t come off right. it evolved from

I don’t want to be saying this because you don’t owe me an explanation, but I think it should be noted that the way you’ve been treating me has really been

I didn’t want to say this, but I think it needs to be said because it’s just straight up not respectful.

did i say something wrong? I feel you’ve been quite shunning lately and I’d appreciate if you were more straightforward. i feel really confuse and it’s making me a little uncomfortable

did I say something wrong? I feel shunned and it’s confusing

it doesn’t feel straightforward

did i say or do something wrong? based on how conversational you’ve been, I don’t think I need to tell you why I’m asking

did I say or do something wrong?

I was looking relaly intnetly at the messages to see when mine had been seen. i knew something was up when i looked and saw that he was active and just didn’t view it. and then he saw it, almost an hour later. and that was 10 min after i opened to check. my heart sank. i messed up didn’t I? I said that I do’nt like excuses. but it was prefaced by omething he brought up. and i didn’t talk about his exucses lately. but what i really wanted to say was, care to explain? the day after the hotel, you saw i sent snapchats but didn’t open them for hours. finally oepened it to send a message. nice, but short. a couple of smileys. i then sent a text reply. unread for 4 hours but was active on fb. then i sent a video which got seen quickly. then a reply iwthin 10 min. then i knew by then that the shunning was on so i decided not to engage fully. no smileys, short. no furahter conversation.

with each iteration, I projected less and less blame. partially becuase it sounded caustic. partially because i didn’t think itw asrigiht. mainly because he’s leaving to the new office probably by next week. did i want to leave my last imrpession, with no smeblance of possibly hanging out, as an awkward, hanging-in-the-air immaturity, act of pointing fingers, blamingand blaming, the same way as i had done shortly after the coffee confession (when I said i went too easy on him) and after I scalded him for being a flake? was that the impressi on ireally wanted to leave? any possibility of spending time would be nill. and we’d never see each other by necessity.

i didn’t want to take a shower and give it a thoguht. i wanted to press enter and be done with it. i wanted to tell myself that maybe he would message. maybe he would fall asleep arleady and he just wouldnt see it and id have to stare my message in the face knowing that i couldnt change it. becuase he wouldn’t reply ot it right away. iknow this from experience.

but i did. i took a shower and really thought about it. it became, very quickly, “did i say or do something wrong?” because this was short, curt, a genuine question, not salty, not inflammatory, and not incendiary. it was a genuine short question.he would either answer yes or no.

and then it hit me while i thought about it. do i need to send this message? what will i learn from this that i don’t already know? nothing. i already know everything i need to know. i was just trying not to face it. hojin told me. and it makes perfect sense. if you like a girl, you don’t play gamees like that. and you certainly don’t backtrack 100% and go from snapchatting how im doing and dinners and food and leading to naughtier talk and quick responses to how im feeling, to not sending a single picture except a certificate. to taking 8 hours to open a snap. to open. messages. that takes a special kind of potential to use. it’s the kind where all you just want is to get laid. to satsify the curiosity that i probably had sown by sending my vibes. and a freaking snap story wit hthe blue one. i’ll awlays wonder if that woudl have happened if i had just not sent those. would there still be more of that excitement, that ambiguity? did i give it away too early?

I really enjoyed the time in the hotel. i really enjoyed that night. i was really, much like myself when i had the coffee that time. i was so thrilled that he wanted to have dinner with me and offered the whole takeout thing. it was relaly sweet. he was kind. and oh was he horny. i mean we ate for an hour and talked and … and oddly enough, after the sex iteslf it was so… almost relationship like. it was strange. it was … intimate? i remember things that i won’t say in detail, but esentially the fingering at the movies, the asian pr0n, wanting to fuck me since we really started talking,the kissing at the end as if he couldn’t get enough. and me, in a daze… “see you on monday”.

what was i really thinking? i was giddy. i did notice as well, there was no messaging when he got home or i did. not even a simple one. to ask if i had gotten home safe would be silly, i didn’t leave. but was that not his role? wouldn’t it have been strange of me and extra clingy and oxytocin-highed  to ask if he was home safe?

perhaps it would have been. and perhaps i should be glad i didn’t. i was surprsied to see that i didn’t get any messages from him after my lsat. he didn’t owe me any. but i just didn’t expect that. i thought, surely if he was so intent on having dinner, snapchatting so often, messaging, heavliy flirting.. saying that he should have kissed me the time penney gilbert came by… all the while (not drunk)... surely.. a message? a good luck? a “i hope it’s going well”. nothing relatoinship-y. i mean, clearly i didnt need to say that because i was writing a test taht started well early in the moring, which is why i was in the hotel in the first place. and i didn’t finish till 1. at which point i promptly snapped a picture. and i walked with baited breath and worked half-aware, waiting for that vibrate. waiting that maybe there would be some interest in me, in my work, in my day, in hearing from me. but there was none. not till much, much later taht day. so late in fact, that it was 11pm on saturday night and i was pissed enough t odecide not to open it and wait till morning. i was pretty devastated. had it all crumbled so fast? what did i last tell him before i left? “how is this different from last time?” “because if i didnt have to go, i would stay”. oh really? says who?

I was hurt, yea. I didn’t think that i fell off the radar of being important so quickly. it went from me being “slow” replying in 15min, to him taking 5-8 hours while during awake hours and being clearly active elsewhere.

I chalked it up to being busy. I didn’t want to be insecure. but there was something inside of me that was realizing i was being shunned. it hurt. it was so drastic it was so.. fast. it was so soon. it was so ruthless. it was so deliberate. it was so uncalculated. it was done so easily, like it was clearly his only choice. “why would i do anything else?” it’s like the coffee conversation never happened. it was like the no-words version of “what are we?” “i’m not ready to date”. i thought things were different. not that i expected to date, no that i expected any dramatic proposal… but .. never did i think i’d be shunned. it’s like i got whipped around really quickly and was scrambling for the first explanation.

but when you’re in defense and cautious, you don’t think of pragmatic solutions. you think of comfortable solutions. you think back to the first time we went out after i mentioned how this was a shitty situation. we went to duke’s refresher and bar and it was a good time. we talked about everything, but specifically about christmas market. it was really nice. i had a great time. that’s what makes all this so jarring. i know this is the case because i messaged him first for the snapchat on sat, the vid on sun. and then the facebook link about russia being outted from peyonghcnag on tue,then wendesday about meetings on wednesday. it’s clear. i think i was in denial. and it really didn’t truly hit me until about an hour ago. it was when i raelized, that usuually after good sex and a good connection, i like to replay the situation in my head. i only had one chance to do that while still giddy and no semblance of a change was present. and taht was the 4am morning i woke up on the morning of lsat. i couldn’t sleep after and i rmeember lying between those king bed sheets and thinking that i was so lucky and happy. on the bus ride home, i was tired. i was sad. i didn’t get any messages back. they weren’t even opened, which somehow hurt even more. i didn’t masturbate since that night. I just don’t feel it. it doesn’t make me horny. it makes me sad. it makes me horny only when i feel that the enjoyment is reciprocated, that we’re both equally giddy and excited about what went down. i couldn’t do it though. I haven’t been feeling it. because i know that something didn’t sit right. it didnt’ feel like last week, or any week before that. conversations were short, blunt, cut off by other people without returning, and nothing was initiated.

i think this is the beginning of the end.

it make me sad because we went on proper dates. we went to the christmas market, which was a great time. it’s a romantic, couply place. i like looking at it on instagram, other peple posting pictures fromit, becuase it’s so sweet. Ifeel like part of me won’t be able to handle christmas markets the same. it feels like a sham. i felt something, i felt wanted, enjoyed, shown around, in a pretty romantic, couply, festive, really one of a kind environment. ther’s really nothing like it. the crowds suck but i had lots of laughs , like when i took some poor pictures for some people in front of the christmas tree. like when there was a light tunnel with a heart at the end of it that we were awkwardly dodging. like when we had mulled wine, hot choclate, cider. like when we had a nice walk there and back. and while i write this i just cant help but think, did i do something wrong?

the dinner, c’est what. it was nice. good chats and it turned a turn as usual. blew off other skype calls for me. it was nice one on one time. time just flew by. i really liked it. we chatted about everything. like always. i like talking to him. i like his humor. he said he liked me, and he still does. and i gave him a second chance. and i gave in. and we did it. and this is what i get? i really don’t feel like i deserve this. but what  can i say?i don’t have to ask what it means. i know what it means. it’s just that up to an hour ago, i didn’t really want to admit it.

coudl i ahve not been salty about excuses? maybe. but i didnt say that to him. it was pretty benign. maybe he just really didn’t have anything to say. i mean, when he mentoined the coffee thing, i already said that that was really nice of him and i appreciated it. but i think it was a nice way of me mentioning that i know what’s up. he wan’st oblivious. i also could have done a “oh no questions, it was easy :D” and asked what he was up to… but let’s be honest. what did i just go over? i’ve been shunned. was i gonna play dumb and act like none of that ever happened? it bothered me. ti’s been bothering me since i looked at my phone on saturday… and was genuinely surprised. taken aback. didn’t expect that in a milloin years. nothing. and nothing on monday.

sometimes i get twinges of , “ should i have said something?” but i realize the only thing I’d be showing is that I can be petty, that i complain. actions speak louder than words. there is no explanation that would do his choice of actions justice. it’s self-explanatory. it’s not an accident what he chose to do. its clear that i knew what was going on. i was not oblivious. “I don’t like excuses”. in fact, to drive that home, I made the right decision to not say a thing. because im not interested in hearing what excuse there may be. i also don’t really need an explanation for whether or not i said or did something wrong. what would it tell me? maybe it’d tell me if I actually did somthing wrong (and the shunning was really self-inflicted), or if not, it was a change of heart on his end. but me wanting to hear from him was less of trying to get an answer to my question, but rather to get a response. to let him know that i know what’s up. but it’s already evident. I said I don’t like excuses. and really my actions in the next while will say more than i think. I won’t be as smiley, I’ll be friendly but guarded. I get it. he’s just not that into me. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

I’ve been counting in my head, the presence or absence of him, by the days of the week so carefully in the back of my head, every week. especially those since starting in september.

my days became marked by whether or not i saw him. what we talked about. did he come visit? did we chat? not even just if we flirted, but if he dropped by. for how long? were we alone?

i feel like i’m mourning. i’m mourning because there’s a beautiful office down the hall that’s almost done, that’s almost able to be moved into, december 12. that’s next week. he said another thing , that it’d be nice to come and visit. im scared. i’m scared that after that, there’s no reason to catch up, there’s no reason to chat, there’s no reason to check me out or pass by each other, or to get coffee… there’s no reason. different rooms with keys that don’t work. down the hall but yet barred apart. ther’es just no reason. talking ot him now is like pulling teeth. granted, him asking me to drinks and things was done over messaging, but we’re going to become those sort of people… that sort of friendship where you check in once every 2.5 months to ask how life is. and that makes me sad. because that can happen as soon as 5 days from now.

we talked about something on the 11th. his mom’s going to costa rica. that was the plan, to go to his place, to essentially have sex. you know, wiht privacy and stuff. but that requires an invitation. and i was trying to warm up to it by initiating messages. even though he’d try to chat in person… it would quicly become something else. something...clinical. something that woudl be interrupted. my excuse comment would ahve just been maybe, something he just didnt have a response to. wouldnt’ be the same time. but if the week goes as it already has been since last saturday, there will be no meetup next week. which is ok. i am not really sure i want to have sex. im not in the mood as of now. I’m really not dying to. what i want more than anything is a chance to talk without talking about the possibiility of a relatoinship, just to talk about what has been. he did say we could hang out before then, but that was, of course, while he was horny.

and thisis minor, but him playing dumb at me reutrningthings at eaton center was a little jarring. he’s not an idiot. he knows what i was returning. and he acted like he didn’t want to say a single thing about it. or bring it up. it’s like it’s being suppressed already. and i dont get it. you don’t have to love me. i don’t love you. but are you sure you’re not using me? this hurts.