#like it fully freezes for 5 seconds every 30 seconds and the reason is apparently that it’s trying to collect some kind of data from you

[fullmetalwindbreaker]

hm. i did buy ac mirage last night on a whim because it’s on sale but i think i’m not going to start it until i finish replaying the first game now that i found out how to fix the stutter

[uswntpoet]

Love on the brain (Part 21)

Hey guys, this time I'm faster! :) I hope you're still alive after the last chapter. Enjoy the next part!

The chapter is also up on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576201/chapters/51380701

First Allie watched Alex nearly going insane while waiting for Kelley to come out of the ER and now she watches her pace back and forth in front of Kelley’s bed like a tiger ever since she was brought back from the ER. It’s 9 o’clock in the morning now. 5 hours since Kelley collapsed in the hotel room and Alex can’t seem to catch a break even though Allie reassured her that Kelley is in good hands for the past hours and the doctor told them that Kelley already was conscious once in the ER.  

“Two times in the span of a few weeks, Allie!! What am I supposed to do with her?!”

“I’ve always said she is insane, but nobody listens to me.” Allie jokes.

“Ugh and you know what’s the worst part about this?”

“That you aren’t even really mad at her?”

“Exactly.” Alex sighs.

“Please Al, do us all a favor and go grab something to eat.”

“I can’t do Kelley any favors since she is unconscious in a hospital bed AGAIN!”

“I think she would disagree. Can you at least do me a favor then?”

“Why?”

“Well, first of all you’re always in a bad mood when you’re hungry anyway, but most of all you’ve always been a disaster when it comes to worrying about this idiot and I can’t take it anymore.”

Alex looks at Allie and then at a sleeping Kelley skeptically.

“Don’t look at me like that. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on her.”

“I’m not sure.” Alex grumbles.

“Good, then I’ll keep both of my eyes on her. Now go.”

“You call me when she wakes up?”

“Yes, I will. Now stop worrying for at least 30 minutes alright?”

“I’ll be back in 20.”

“20 it is.”

“And check if she’s breathing norm-“

“ALEX! I can handle it, okay? I promise.”

“Fine.”

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Kelley stirs awake about 15 minutes later. Allie gets up quickly, eyeing her closely. Kelley slowly opens her eyes, but she seems to struggle to keep them fully open.

“Holy fuck.” she mumbles.

“Welcome back to earth.” Allie smiles.

Kelley squeezes her eyes shut repeatedly, trying to focus on the person in front of her. A few seconds later she seems to realize that it’s Allie.

“Duuude.” Kelley chuckles lazily, sounding like a high surfer dude.

“How are you feeling?” Allie asks concerned.

“Fucking awesome.” Kelley smiles dopily.

“Oh wow, I don’t ever want to see you take drugs.” Allie rolls her eyes.

“Yo, Allie?” Kelley asks with her eyes closed again.

“Yes?”

“Don’t you think my girlfriend looks hella good?”

“Kel, Alex isn’t here.”

“Don’t you dare to say she doesn’t.” Kelley is quick to warn, her eyes flying open for a second, before falling shut in slow motion again.

“She does, Kel.” Allie exhales annoyed.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Kelley remarks with a hint of an aggressive tone.

“My girlfriend is hella sexy.” Kelley brags with a smile on her face.

“Kel?”

“Mhm?” Kelley asks, looking up at Allie with a dazed look in her eyes.

“Alex is your fiancée. You proposed to her, remember?”

“DUDE!” Kelley yells all of the sudden, which startles Allie, “Siiiiiiick.” Kelley smirks proudly.

“Oh man.” Allie exhales and slaps her hand against her forehead.

To Allie’s relieve the door opens and Alex walks in.

“Holy fuck!” Kelley yells, freezing and quickly covering her eyes.

Alex looks at Allie shocked, who shrugs, “Don’t worry, she just woke up.”

“What is she doing?” Alex asks wide eyed.

“She is high on pain killers and by high I mean they apparently shot her in another solar system.” Allie chuckles amused.

“Hey Kel, what’s up?” Allie asks her, trying to get her attention.

Kelley drops her hands from her face, looking at Alex with wide eyes before quickly turning to Allie.

“Duude, I swear, I’m such a bad fiancée!”

“What are you talking about?”

“If Alex knows she’ll kill me man.”

Allie looks to Alex in panic, while Alex is furrowing her brows in concern.

“Eh, Kel-“

“Don’t tell her, but that nurse looks fucking hot.” Kelley says, pointing at Alex. Allie lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and Alex’s face relaxes visibly, but her brows quickly furrow again.

“Oh boy, this is too good to be true.” Allie laughs.

“Stop laughing, this isn’t funny.” Alex scolds as she approaches Kelley’s bed to sit down next to her.

“Hey babe, it’s me, Alex.” Alex tries carefully, gently stroking her cheek.

“I know. I was just fucking around.” Kelley slurs, grinning at Alex foolishly.

Alex slaps her arm and rolls her eyes.

“Oh my god, you’re such an asshole. I thought you didn’t recognize me.”

“Baby girl, I would recognize those eyes from anywhere.”

“Drugged up and still a charmer. Why am I surprised?”

“I’ll inform a nurse”. Allie says.

“Thanks, Al.” Alex squeezes her hand.

A few minutes later the door flies open and the gray haired, good looking doctor in his 50’s, Alex already talked to earlier, walks in with two nurses in tow.

“Welcome back Miss O’Hara, I’m Dr. Bright.”

“Sup, Doc.” Kelley nods at him and Alex sends her a warning look, which Kelley clearly doesn’t seem to notice.  

The doctor starts explaining to Kelley that an inflammation in her ankle caused her high fever, which ultimately lead to her unconsciousness and that taking too many pain killers caused the other symptoms, however Alex is sure that Kelley doesn’t have one clue what the man is talking about. After Dr. Bright and the nurses did some checkups on Kelley, he turns to Alex again.

“So Miss Morgan, your fiancée is-“

“Dr. B.? Isn’t my FIANCEE-“ Kelley stops and winks at Allie, who just shakes her head.

“-the most gorgeous woman you have ever seen?”

“Babe.” Alex warns sternly.

“Doc, listen. I know it sounds impossible, but I swear on my life, her smartness outshines her prettiness. Crazy right?”

“Kel, shut up.”

“Come over here and make me.”

“Kelley!” Alex warns her sharply.

Kelley looks at Alex for a second, seemingly considering what to do next, but when she sees Alex staring her down, she quietly mumbles to herself like a child who's been scolded.

“I’m terribly sorry for that.” Alex apologizes to the doctor, who just laughs and waves it off.

“That’s alright. She is going to be like that for a few hours, however you can take her home. When the meds wear off, she might be a little disorientated and very tired, but there’s no reason to worry. Is it possible that someone checks on her like every hour?”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. What about the Advil?”

“Yeah, she certainly took so many, because the dosage wasn’t strong enough and she was in enormous pain. She might be in pain the next few days as well, but I’m prescribing pain killers that are certainly strong enough, so there isn’t going to be another incident like this. Again, they might make her a bit loopy, however if she’s looked after she should be fine.”

“When is she going to be able to train again?” Alex asks tensely, knowing that even though Kelley is not giving a damn about it right now, it is going to be the first question when she is off meds again.

“The good news is that the medications are anti-inflammatory, so the inflammation is going to be gone within a few days. However, the injury is going to last a bit longer, if she’s lucky and has a good recovery process maybe 8 to 10 weeks, if not she’s going to need surgery. She could be out for about 6 months then, we’ll have to see.”

Alex exhales loudly, rubbing her hands through her face, feeling her heart break for Kelley. She knows this is going to be a hard blow after just recovering from her last injury.

“Oh my god.” she shakes her head devastated and Allie puts a supporting hand on her shoulder.

“Miss Morgan, to be frank, in your case I wouldn’t worry too much. You’re working with the best doctors and physiotherapist in the country. It’s going to be crutches in the first weeks to strain her ankle as little as possible and I think she is going to be fine, but as a doctor it is my duty to inform you about the possibilities.”

“Yeah, I understand that.” Alex nods.

“If she is burning up again or there are any signs of side effects please call an ambulance.”

“Of course, thank you so much for everything.” Alex says honestly with a smile which doesn’t reach her eyes.

“That’s what I’m here for. We’ll stay in touch and she has an appointment in a few days.”

Alex smiles at him and turns around to help Allie and the nurse to get Kelley ready to leave.

“And Miss Morgan?”

“Alex is fine.”

“Alex. I have drugged up patients everyday ever since I became a doctor. You can imagine that I’ve seen everything from breakups because of terrible confessions, over crying, to aggressive behavior. But what I rarely see is someone talking about their fiancée in the way yours did when she first woke up.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry, what did she say?”

“You have no reason to worry. Take good care of her, you got a good one there. She’s a keeper.” Dr. Bright winks with an honest smile.

“Oh.” Alex blushes, looking at him speechlessly.

“Have a good day, Alex.”

“Bye.” Alex mumbles.

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“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“I feel so goooooood right now.”

“That’s good, Kel.”

“I can’t feel anything.” Kelley gushes loudly.

“I can see that.” Alex mumbles embarrassed, since Kelley isn’t behaving like one should in a hospital.

Kelley is sitting in a wheelchair, so they can bring her to the car. Alex stops in front of the door to turn around to look at Kelley sternly, before leaving the hospital room.

“Alright, Kel. We are going to leaves this room now and I need you to be quiet for two minutes okay? Just until we’re at the car.”

“Like on what level quiet?”

“Like 'shutting your mouth tightly and not opening it' quiet.”

“Okay, captain.” Kelley winks, saluting Alex.

Alex looks at her unsure, but Allie opens the door nonetheless. To Alex’s surprise, Kelley stays quiet in the hallway and in the elevator. However, when they walk through the entrance area, Kelley is back to her bad behavior.

“Excuse me, Mr.? Have you ever seen such a pretty woman?” Kelley asks a random stranger, pointing at Alex when they pass him.

“Kelley, shhhh! Leave the people alone!” Alex whisper yells.

“I’m doing what I want, woman.” Kelley sasses loudly and Allie has to suppress her loud giggles.

“Kel, could you just shut up for another minute, please.” Alex begs to which Kelley complies.

When they are finally outside, Alex starts searching for her car keys.

“Maaan, it’s so fucking hot in here. I’m dying.”

“We’re outside. You’ll be alright.” Alex mumbles, looking up to answer.

“What are you doing?! Put your shirt back on!!” Alex yells at her.

“But I’m so hot.” Kelley pouts.

“NOW!” Alex orders while Allie can’t breathe from laughing so much.

“Are you jealous babe?” Kelley asks sadly.

“Yeah, very jealous.” Alex groans impatiently.

“Okay.” Kelley says, putting her shirt back on quickly as if she first needed a reason to do so.

Alex looks at Allie annoyed who is wiping her tears.

"I’m going to marry a 2-year-old.” Alex groans.

When they finally managed to get Kelley to sit in the back of the car, they make their way back to the hotel.

“Babe? Do you still think I’m attractive?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Alex sighs.

“But what if someday you are going to leave me?”

“I will not.” Alex answers annoyed, looking in the rear-view mirror to make eye contact.

“Allie! What am I gonna do if she’s leaving me?” Kelley asks panicked.

“She is not, Kel.” Allie reassures her.

“Babe? If I died, how much would you miss me?”

“Death can’t get you out of this relationship.” Alex deadpans, but drugged up Kelley is completely clueless to any sarcasm since her attention span is like one of a puppy.

“Would you love someone else?”

“No.”

“Good, because whoever is looking at you, I’m going to fuck up.”

“When you’re dead, Kel?” Allie laughs.

“I’ll personally climb out of my grave to royally kick their ass.”

“Kel, enough.” Alex warns.

There is silence for just a moment.

“Babe? Have you ever had sex with someone who was drugged up?”

“No, Kelley I haven’t.” Alex snaps.

“Wanna give it a try?” Kelley raises an eyebrow suggestively.

“Holy shit!” Allie laughs.

“Kelley!! I said that’s enough. I don’t want to hear another word until we’re back at the hotel, understood?” Alex turns around frustratedly when she stops at the traffic light. Kelley nods her head, pretending to lock her mouth and throwing the key away.

“Good.”

Allie looks at Alex with a pitying look.

“It’s official. My two biggest fears in life are failure and Kelley on any kind of drug, including too much sugar.”

The silence lasts exactly three minutes, before Kelley’s voice can be heard again.

“Babe?”

Alex breathes out heavily and decides to ignore her.

“Babe?”

“Babe?”

“Alex?”

“Alexandraaaa!!”

“What Kelley????? What could possibly be so important that you are talking again?” Alex asks, turning around furiously.

“I love you.” Kelley says truthfully, looking at Alex with puppy eyes.

Allie pouts at Alex, after looking at Kelley. Alex groans loudly, turning around again.

“Oh come on, look at her! You can’t be mad at her when she’s that cute.”

Alex shakes her head and looks in the rear-view mirror again, looking at Kelley who looks at her expectantly, not noticing that Alex is watching her in the mirror.

“I love you, too.” Alex says softly, watching her closely.

Kelley’s eyes light up at that. Her expectant expression changes into a bright smile and she leans back relaxed, closing her eyes. She doesn’t talk for the rest of the ride and Alex softly smiles the entire way home.

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The doctor was right. When they arrive at their hotel, Allie is so nice to inform the staff about the news while Alex quickly phones Kelley’s parents, who were waiting for news as well. After a 5-minute catch-up with the promise to call them in the evening again, she reenters their hotel room, only to find Kelley fast asleep on the couch. Lucky enough the couch is big enough so Alex carefully squeezes in behind her, holding her close.

A few hours later Kelley stirs awake again. Alex has been up for a while, just watching Kelley sleep peacefully, not daring to move, afraid that she might wake her up. Kelley turns around in Alex’s arms, yawning cutely. Alex looks at Kelley expectantly with something in her eyes that Kelley can’t read.

“Damn, Al I had the craziest dream.” she frowns.

Before Alex can say anything, she starts to stretch when sitting up and quickly convulses in pain.

“Fuck, it wasn’t a dream, was it?” she lets out pained.

“Unfortunately, not.” Alex counters tensely, sitting up as well.

“Oh no. Al, I- Are you okay?” Kelley asks, quickly looking at Alex again, putting her hand on Alex’s thigh, who is rubbing her hands through her face stressed.

“So much for ‘really really going to change starting tomorrow’, huh?” Alex lashes out, letting her hands fall from her face.

“God…I’m-“ Kelley starts fazed, but Alex interrupts her, jumping to her feet.

“You’re such an asshole.” Alex exhales shakily, standing in front of her aggravated.

“What?”

“You’re so dumb!” Alex complains.

Kelley stops talking and instead just looks at her helplessly, frowning. Alex bites her lip, staring at Kelley without saying a word. Kelley holds eye contact, observing her closely.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Alex yells pained, her lip starts trembling and Kelley closes her eyes in disappointment with herself, when sobs start escaping Alex’s lips.

“How could you do that to me?!” Alex yells, crying loudly, taking a step in her direction and hitting her hand in Kelley’s chest.

Kelley just takes the blow stoically.

“You promised!” Alex yells while Kelley takes another frustrated hit to her chest.

“I thought you were going to die!!” Alex sobs desperately, trying to shove Kelley.

Kelley has never heard Alex this distressed and it absolutely breaks her heart. So, before Alex is able to shove her, she catches her hands, holding onto her wrists.

“Let go of me!” Alex cries, but Kelley just pulls her down into her lap, putting her arms around Alex, who buries her head in Kelley’s neck, holding onto her as if her life depended on it.

“You scared me.” she cries, her body shaking.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m fine.” Kelley soothes softly.

“I need you, okay? You can’t just disappear! I need you so so much.” Alex sobs heart wrenchingly.

Kelley nods her head, kissing the top of her head.

“Please. Please don’t leave me alone, I can’t breathe without you.” Alex begs.

Kelley takes Alex’s face in her hands, pushing her forehead against Alex’s.

“I’m here.” she repeats intently, “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” Kelley whispers, pressing a kiss to Alex’s lips and hugging her tightly again.

“I love you.” Alex mumbles into her neck, sniffling.

Kelley caresses her back comfortingly and strokes her hand through Alex’s hair, who snuggles into her.

“I love you so much, Alex. More than anything.” Kelley replies, laying her head on top of Alex’s.

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After that day Kelley never misses a treatment again. So while Alex is training every day with the team, Kelley spends every waking second to recover, watch her train and do what’s best for her ankle. Alex smiles brightly every morning when a freshly showered Kelley wakes her with kisses before leaving for an early treatment so that they can have breakfast together afterwards. Something in Kelley switched completely and Alex feels at peace because she can tell that a situation like that isn’t going to happen again. Five days post-accident, Kelley has another appointment at the hospital. She wakes up really energized, confident that her ankle is going to be a lot better than before since she only had light problems with it. When Alex is supposed to go to practice, Kelley also has to make her way to Dr. Bright, who they have been in close contact with.

“Don’t forget to tell him about-“

“The pain in the night. Yes, Alex, I won’t forget.” Kelley chuckles.

“And call me afterwards.” Alex insists nervously.

“Al, you’re going to be training, I’ll see you when you’re back.”

“But-“

“Babe, relax. I got this.” Kelley smiles.

“Right.” Alex nods.

“I have to go, see you at 7.” Kelley leans forward and kisses her goodbye.

“Bye.” Alex waves, watching after her when Kelley takes off, limping to the entrance on her crutches.

Alex flinches when a hand lands on her shoulder.

“Come on you clinger. We’ve got stuff to do.” Allie laughs, pulling Alex with her.

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In the evening they meet up at dinner. When Alex enters the room, their gazes meet immediately like magnets. Alex realizes right away that Kelley isn’t in a great mood. They have a silent conversation just with their eyes and the conversation is over by the time Alex arrives at their table. So instead of starting to interrogate her about her appointment, she just sits down next to her and places her hand on Kelley’s thigh. Kelley reaches down and intertwines their hands, looking at Alex with a small smile when squeezing her hand. The others don’t notice since Kelley hides it perfectly, making jokes and laughing with them. Still, Alex sees that she isn't feeling well.

Alex yawns right after finishing dinner, “Guys, I think we’re going to leave, I’m exhausted.”

Kelley looks at her amused, knowing that Alex was totally faking that yawn.

“Alex, I swear you’ve become so boring! You’re old.” Sonnett complains jokingly.

“If you’d be able to play like Alex, you’d be tired too.” Kelley defends her with a smirk, causing the others to laugh.

“Okay, that was mean, Miss Kelley.”

“Grow up, Sonnett.” Kelley winks teasingly.

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When they are in their hotel room, Alex opens Netflix and starts on one of Kelley’s favorite comedies she likes to watch when she doesn’t feel good. Kelley makes herself comfortable on the couch and Alex sits down between her legs, leaning against her. Kelley hugs her waist from behind and presses a kiss to her shoulder.  

“So, what happened?”

Kelley exhales heavily, pushing her forehead against the side of Alex’s head and closes her eyes. She stays silent for a moment before leaning back again.

“So apparently, I’m not recovering as fast as I’d like to think.”

“What does that mean?” Alex asks, anxiously drawing circles on Kelley’s thigh with her finger.

“As of now, I don’t know. He said he is giving me a few more days, but I thought maybe I should just tell him I want the sur-”  

“Surgery???” Alex akss, turning her head to look at Kelley horrified, “No Kel, you heard it yourself, Dr. Bright said it was too early.”

“Yeah, but-“

“No buts and no rushed decisions, Kel.” Alex insists, “You have to give yourself some time. It’s only been 5 days.”

“I don’t know, Al.” Kelley mumbles.

“Don’t be silly, I’m always right.” Alex smirks.

This puts the sparkle back into Kelley’s eyes, who looks at Alex challengingly, “Oh, are you now?”

“Damn right I am.” Alex winks.

“Good for me, huh?”

“Oh, totally.”

“So what’s your prediction of my chances of getting a kiss?” Kelley smirks.

“On a scale from 1 to 10? 12.”

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Alex is woken once again in the middle of the night. Her breath hitches and she looks around disorientated and panicked. She reaches out for Kelley and realizes that she isn't lying next to her. Alex shoots up in a flash, but relaxes a bit when she sees that the balcony door is open. She can see Kelley’s silhouette looking out into the distance, holding onto the balcony fence. Alex gets up quietly and makes her way up to Kelley. It’s a warm summer night, the sky clear and plastered with stars. Kelley stands on the balcony motionless, watching the waves crush onto the shore. Alex puts her arms around her waist from behind, hugging her around her waist. Kelley starts breaking down immediately, her body vibrating as tears roll down her face, but she’s not making a single sound. Alex holds her even closer, resting her forehead against the back of Kelley’s head.

“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” Alex whispers softly, every word full of conviction.

A sob escapes Kelley and she grips onto the fence so hard, Alex thinks she might break it. Alex lets go of her waist and crouches down to quickly slip into the spot between Kelley’s arms so that her back is up to the fence. She then loosens Kelley’s grip on the fence, taking both of her hands in her own, intertwining them. Alex puts Kelley’s hand to her mouth and kisses the back of it affectionately. Kelley looks up at her, a single tear rolling down her eye. Alex throws her a concerned, yet devoted look, that makes Kelley’s heart skip a beat in adoration. She leans forward and rests her forehead against Alex’s, closing her eyes.

“We’re going to get through this. I’m here. You’re not alone in this.”

Kelley nods her head.

“You’re going to be healthy until France.”

“How can you be so sure of that?” Kelley asks with a shaky voice.

“I just am. We’re going to France and we’re going to be on the pitch together. I promise.”

Kelley shakes her head, frowning. Alex grips Kelley’s face, holding it still, their foreheads still pressed together.

“No, listen Kel. Look at me.” Alex whispers intently.

Kelley opens her eyes and is met with her favorite shade of blue. The light that is hovering over the city, illuminates the sky enough to make Kelley see what she needs to see.

“I promise, okay? I promise you.” Alex stresses.

What Kelley sees in Alex’s eyes is safety, calming her like nothing else can, making her believe even though it seems impossible.

“Okay?” Alex whispers.

“Okay.” Kelley breathes.

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The next days everything only goes uphill for Kelley. When her appointment with Dr. Bright rolls around, he ensures her that surgery won’t be needed, but that she certainly should be very careful and consider every factor that will help her to recover. Kelley is over the moon and from then on even more determined to get better as fast as possible. They spend their off days visiting Alex’s family as much as possible and Alex finally feels like she doesn’t have to worry about Kelley. It’s the last day of camp before everyone will fly back to their club teams and Alex is waiting for Kelley, Christen, Tobin and Becky in the Whole Foods parking lot, since they wanted to grab some lunch for all of them. Alex is leaning against the wall a few yards from the entrance, looking at her phone after ending a business call.

“Alex Morgan.” a familiar voice calls her.

Alex looks up immediately, rolling her eyes at who is approaching her.

“Gosh, why??” Alex mumbles to herself, before she greets him with a short nod, “Tom.”

“Never in a million years, would I have thought to see you again. In LA of all places? What the hell are you doing here?” he smiles annoyingly.

“Well, I don’t know if you remember but first of all I’m a professional soccer player, which normally demands going to all sorts of places and second of all my whole family lives here.” Alex sasses, annoyed by his question.

He blushes and looks at her embarrassed, “Right.”

“Anyway, how is life going? Did you and that girl split up? I mean she was pretty rude.”

Alex looks past him and sees Kelley and her friends exit the store, not listening to a word he is saying and the memories from a few years ago come flooding into her mind.

FLASHBACK ON

“Ugh, I don’t want to go there.”

“Why though?” Kelley asks with a chuckle, pulling open her locker.

“Because there’ll be only people I haven’t seen in years and there is a reason for that.” Alex complains.

“But she’s one of your best friends Alex and normally you are never in LA for stuff like this. It’s a wedding, you’ll find someone to talk to.” Kelley smirks.

Alex pushes Kelley’s locker closed in front of her face.

“Hey! I wasn't finished yet.” Kelley frowns.

“You’ll come with me!” Alex exclaims excitedly as if she had a flash of genius.

“What? No.” Kelley laughs.

“Come on, I need somebody to safe me from my stupid ex, who is definitely going to be there.”

“Why do you need protection from your ex?” Kelley chuckles.

“Because he is an arrogant asshole. He’s always bragging with his job and his new girlfriend, just because he is super boring and jealous of me earning more than him.” Alex rolls her eyes.

“ What is his job?” Kelley asks amused.

“He’s an accountant.”

Kelley fake gags, which makes Alex laugh out loud.

“Why don’t you just bring a date?” Kelley asks skeptically.

“Because it’ll be more fun with you."

“Wait, is that also the guy who cheated on you on your birthday?”

“Yup. But I wanted to break up with him later that day anyway.” Alex chuckles.

“Fine, I’ll come with you.” Kelley agrees.

“Yes! You’re the best!” Alex exclaims, pressing a peck to Kelley’s cheek before taking off to shower.

Kelley just stands in the locker room frozen to the spot with a blush creeping on her cheeks.

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By now they’ve been at the party for over two hours, even though Alex told Kelley that they’d be leaving early, because the people were going to be lame. However, Kelley is great company as always and Alex somehow never had more fun at a wedding.

“I’m going to get us some more booze, alright?” Kelley speaks closely to Alex’s ear, due to the volume.

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll wait here.” Alex smiles, which Kelley returns before disappearing in the crowd.

Alex looks around happily, waving at one of her old friends from college when suddenly she sees the person she didn’t want to see. Alex curses under her breath and asks herself why this has to happen of when Kelley is gone. She ducks her head, but he sees her nonetheless and confidently walks up to her with his girlfriend in tow. The look on his face is determined and his intentions are clear, he wants to show off.

“Alex!! How have you been?” he smiles arrogantly, pretending to be nice.

“Uhm, quite good. Everything’s fine, thanks for asking.”

“Actually, I’m doing great myself. Do you still remember my girlfriend?”

‘Great, nobody asked you.’, Alex thinks to herself, but politely smiles at his girlfriend, who is actually quite nice and whom she knows briefly through a friend of hers.

“Hi Emma.” Alex smiles.

“Hey, Alex, how are you?” Emma smiles.

Before Alex can even answer her question, Tom intervenes.

“Yeah, Alex, how come a girl like you is still all alone?” he cocks an eyebrow, clearly meaning to attack her.

Suddenly Alex feels a glass being pushed into her hand and an arm around her waist, which pulls her in so that her body is pressed closely against another. Alex turns her head and is met with Kelley, who is unusually close to her face. She looks at Kelley helpless, who gives her a reassuring look.

“Hey gorgeous, I managed to get us the good champagne.” she smiles at Alex, squeezing her hip and clinking her glass against Alex’s before taking a swig of it.

“By the way, have I already told you that you look stunning in that dress?” Kelley compliments with a lopsided smile, before turning her attention to the couple in front of them.

“Oh hey, sorry. I tend to get too distracted by her beauty. Who are you?” Kelley asks outspoken.

“I’m Tom, Alex must have talked about me.” he says with a cocky grin.

Kelley looks at him with a frown, looking like she is roaming her mind.

“Tim?” she asks as if she didn’t understand him.

“Uh no, Tom.” he laughs uneasily, looking at Alex confused.

“Ahhh sorry, you mumbled a bit. Then no, I’m confident she never talked about you. I’m Kelley.” Kelley smiles confidently, giving him a very firm handshake while having a stare off with him, looking at him challengingly.

He looks more pissed off than Alex has ever seen him and the conversation only started. Kelley raises an eyebrow at him and turns her attention to his girlfriend.

“And who is your pretty friend?” Kelley asks charmingly.

“That’s my girlfr-”

“I’m Emma!” she interrupts him, eagerly holding out her hand for Kelley to shake, looking at her infatuated.

“Nice to meet you Emma, you kind of remind me of Kristen Bell.”

It’s a stretch. They might have the same hair, but that’s about it and Alex looks at Kelley quizzically.

"Thanks.” Emma blushes, “See that’s what I always tell you. Some people see it!” she snaps at Tom, who rolls his eyes.

If Alex wouldn’t have already been gawking at Kelley, she would have been by now. Kelley quickly looks at Alex and winks at her.

“You are Kelley O’Hara, aren’t you?” Emma asks shily.  

“Yeah. Do you like soccer?” Kelley smiles.

“I love soccer, actually I’m a huge fan.”

“Thanks, that's great.” Kelley says politely.

Alex notices a swagger to her, her energy cool and relaxed, giving off vibes that either would want you to be friends with her, or be with her.

“So Tim, what do you do for a living?”

“Tom and I‘m an accountant.” he says through his teeth, clearly aggravated.

“Dude. That sounds awful. I really am sorry for you.” Kelley grimaces, giving him a clap on the shoulder.

Alex almost bursts into loud laughter, but somehow manages to stifle it by hiding her face behind Kelley, however his girlfriend can’t contain it.

“Why would that be awful?” he asks offended.

“Come on Tom, don’t act like that. Your job is pretty boring compared to Alex and Kelley’s.” Emma laughs.

Tom shoots Kelley a malicious look and she just shrugs innocently. Alex eyes Kelley amazed. She has never seen anybody piss Tom off like that and she feels like kissing her for it. Wait. What? Her thoughts are interrupted by Emma.

“How long have you two been together?”

Alex eyes nearly pop out of her head, “Uhhh, we‘re not to-”

“3 years, right babe?” Kelley interrupts, resting her hand on her butt possessively.

Alex looks at her wide eyed and Kelley squeezes her butt, which makes Alex turn her head and nod at her quickly.

“Best 3 years of my life.” Kelley says, pressing a kiss to Alex’s cheek.

“Oh my god, you guys are so cute. I didn’t know that you were a couple. I could immediately sense your love for each other though. Alex your eyes are shining when you look at Kelley.” Emma gushes.

“Thanks.” Kelley grins brightly, turning to Alex, staring deep into her eyes, “She is the love of my life.”

Alex somehow feels mesmerized by the way Kelley is looking at her in that moment and she drifts off, not able to break eye contact. Alex knows that Kelley is just acting right now, but somehow it feels so real and natural.

“Alex what we’re you saying? You’re not together?” Tom interrupts, with an evil glimmer in his eye.

Alex turns to look at him and Kelley’s grip on her tightens.

“Uh yeah, what I wanted to say is actually we’re engaged.” Alex smiles brightly and Kelley looks at her with a smirk, which she then directs at Tom.

“I proposed last year. I mean dude, between us? Look at her. I couldn’t let this chance slip. And don’t get me started on her intelligence. Only a total idiot would miss the opportunity to marry a woman like Alex.”

“Babe, stop it.” Alex smiles, putting her hand on Kelley’s chest, who reaches up to intertwine their hands and presses a kiss to her hand.

“Awww. Tom, why are you never talking about me like this?!” Emma complains.

“Would you excuse us?” Kelley asks charmingly.

“Yeah of course.” she smiles at Kelley.

“Tim.” Kelley nods at him and pulls Alex away from them.

Alex can hear Emma gushing about her ring in the distance and Alex looks down at her hand, thanking god that she put on a ring that looks a lot like an engagement ring and was a gift when winning the Olympics.

“Oh my god.” Alex laughs loudly when they finally are outside, “Kel, you saved me!”

Alex hugs Kelley tightly.

“What a prick.” Kelley rolls her eyes, when they pull apart.

“That was amazing!” Alex gushes, “He was SO pissed off. How do you always do things like that?!”

“You’re exaggerating.” Kelley chuckles.

“Stop playing it down. Emma was totally into you and when you told her she looked like Kristen Bell it was over. What the hell was that about?” Alex laughs.

“I didn’t know that he was your ex, but they stood next to me at the bar earlier and she was complaining that he couldn’t see the alikeness.” Kelley grins.

“You’re amazing.” Alex gasps.

Kelley just waves her off.

“No, Kel, really. You’re unbelievable. I just love you so much. He’s never going to get over that.” Alex grins.  

“Why in the world did you date him?” Kelley asks disgusted.

Suddenly Alex becomes quieter than before. She nervously looks to the ground.

“Uhm, I don’t know. Initially, I just liked that he showed interest.” she admits sort of shyly.

“Alex, are you serious right now?” Kelley asks confused.

“What?”

“You don’t see it don’t you?” Kelley laughs frustratedly.

“Why do you sound so aggravated?”

“Because I am.”

“Why?” Alex frowns.

“Al. You’re- I mean- Have you ever seen yourself? You’re the most amazing person I know and you date that guy because he gives you a little bit attention? There is people falling for you left and -“

“Well, they’re not the right person though!” Alex almost shouts.

“But he was?” Kelley asks, not even phased by her outburst.

“No! That’s not what I wanted-“

“Then who is the right person?”

“I- I don’t know. I always make bad decisions when it comes to that. I just wish I’d meet someone who is even a bit like y-”

“OH MY GOD, ALEXANDRA MORGAN!”

Alex jumps in surprise and gets crushed by a squealing girl that clearly had a bit too much to drink. Alex throws Kelley an apologetic look.

“College.” she mouths, while getting squeezed to death.

Instead of answering Kelley just eyes her pensively. There is something unreadable in her expression and it’s so intense that Alex has to look away, because she starts blushing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night and with too many drinks in their systems, they’re finally on their way home. In the taxi Alex lays her head on Kelley’s shoulder exhaustedly, drifting off into sleep slowly. Just before Alex is about to pass out, she speaks up.

“Kel?”

“Mhm?”

“What did you think about earlier?” she mumbles tiredly with closed eyes.

“When?”

“You know when.”

There is silence for a moment as Kelley considers her next words.

“You know, I think you should be with someone who treats you just the way you deserve to be treated. Someone who respects you, who cherishes you, who protects you and most importantly loves you for who you are.” Kelley reflects thoughtfully, her voice soft-spoken.

“I think I know someone like that.” Alex mumbles.

“Oh. Okay.” Kelley tenses, “Then why don’t you just talk to them I guess?” she asks uneasily.

“I don’t think they see me in that kind of way.” Alex shrugs.

“Impossible.” Kelley mumbles.

“Hmm?”

“That’s bullshit, Alex.” Kelley speaks up.

Alex is quite for a minute and Kelley thinks she might have fallen asleep.

“Do you think I deserve to be with someone who is the most amazing person on this planet?”

Kelley exhales deeply.

“I think you deserve the world, Alex. What I don’t think is that they are going to be more amazing than you.” Kelley tries to smile.

There is an unsettling feeling starting to build in her stomach, which she could only describe as some sort of jealousy.

“Well, they are.”

Kelley looks down at the soft smile that is dancing on Alex’s face and the feeling she felt before somehow is erased.

“Well, they aren’t going to be able to say no to such a pretty girl.” Kelley smiles softly, kissing the top of Alex’s head, who is too tired to answer and falls asleep.

FLASHBACK OFF

“Alex? Are you listening?��� he asks unsure.

Alex averts her gaze from Kelley and turns to look at him again.

“Thank you so much!” she smiles.

“Uhm what?” he stutters.

“Bye Tom.” Alex waves as she leaves.

“Wait! Alex!” he calls after her perplexed.

“There you are! I brought you vegan chocolate chip cookies.” Kelley smiles excitedly as Alex walks into her direction.

Instead of answering Alex just walks up to Kelley and puts her arms around her neck, kissing her meaningfully. Overwhelmed by the passionate kiss, Kelley drops one of her crutches while reaching up to stop her baseball cap from falling. When Alex pulls away Kelley looks at her stunned, her lips swollen.

“Uh, wow.” Kelley breathes.

“God, you guys didn’t see each other for like 8 minutes! Why are you like this!?” Becky groans.

“Seriously, it’s just cookies Alex.” Christen agrees.

Tobin slowly lifts the bag of food she is carrying, looking at Christen cautiously.

“Don’t even think about it.” Christen rolls her eyes, making Tobin drop her arm instantly.

“So what? I love me some cookies.” Alex grins provocatively and Kelley just shrugs at them, still recovering from the kiss.

They know better than to question Alex and start walking to the car. Alex picks up Kelley’s crutch and they fall behind a few steps.

“What was that for?” Kelley asks with an amused smile.

“For being the most amazing person on this planet.” Alex smiles back.

[shironekooo]

Art in it’s truest form

Chp. 5 - Beauty and the Beast

Kamski x Reader

Words: 2314

Note: So sorry for the delay. Had a lot of things to do. If chp feels rushed, that’s why:/ enjoy!

A couple of days have passed. Since those disturbing events you didn’t have a chance to stay alone with Elijah more than for five minutes. It was pretty obvious that he was avoiding you. His office now was shut and he was even leaving you home alone taking trips without telling. These were the most boring days and all you could do is wonder what’s going to happen next. Chloe didn’t say much either. She was still nice and helpful, but everything regarding Elijah was so cryptic, that you gave up after a couple of times…

It was an early morning, around 5am, when you woke up feeling thirsty and got up to get a glass of water. Your attention caught lights coming from farther room accompanied by subtle sounds of music. What could Elijah possible be doing at this hour? You decide to investigate.

Source of commotion appears to be The Room. Record player in the library is playing 30’s melodies creating such an eccentric mood, that you feel out of place. Still half asleep you peek into the forbidden place and freeze. There is a girl there, hanging on a hook, chest fully open and empty. Elijah and Chloe are there too, wearing scrubs, standing over a table and packing something in coolers, which raises so many questions. Your presence is noticed only when Chloe picks up bags and turns to leave.

-You shouldn’t be here, - Elijah quickly approaches and pushes you back, but you’re not taking any of that.

-Wait, no, Elijah, we need to talk. You’ve been avoiding me and I need to know… is this the reason? – you can’t look away from the morbid sigh.

-We can talk later, go to sleep. There’s nothing for you to see.

-But… - you bypass him and rush into the room, getting closer to the girl. This is so surreal…

Elijah sighs and walks up to you. No point in trying to hide it now.

-What was in those containers? – you curiously ask.

-What we harvested from her, - Elijah moves aside to change out of his medical attire.

-Are they…for eating?

Elijah starts laughing. This is a first.

-What? No. Where did you get that idea from?

-You said you put them away for later use…I don’t know what that means, but it didn’t sound good at the time, - now you feel stupid assuming he goes full Hannibal.

-I sell them. I have no real use for organs.

-Is that why you’re wearing scrubs?

-Yes. I assist Chloe, since I don’t have any real medical degree. She’s more precise and careful.

That could mean that a piece of her is still living somewhere there. Giving life to someone else. It isn’t so bad and the dead body doesn’t look so horrifying anymore. There’s even something poetic about it.

-What’s her name? – you look closer, examining her face – it’s very pretty.

-Anna.

-What was she like before this? – you start circling her looking at the body from different angles, being fascinated by it.

-Does it matter? – Elijah finishes changing and begins to watch you.

-I’m just curious… What role do you think of giving her? – you touch her hand and it’s cold and stiff. In your eyes she’s starting to loose human form and look more and more like a doll.

-Well, I haven’t finished my flower installation.

-You’re giving her my role? – you turn to Elijah with a look of betrayal. Elijah chuckles.

-Does it make you jealous?

You stop and face the girl trying to imagine her as a forest goddess. She’s very different from you, so it’s doesn’t make you feel too bad about her getting the flower treatment. It’s going to be a lot different than what you could have looked like.

Elijah takes a couple of steps and stands behind you. The reason he was avoiding you, was so he could set his mind straight. Ever since sparing you and letting you stay here, he wasn’t sure what he’s going to do and how is this going to affect him. And it did affect him. His attraction to you wasn’t so apparent until that night, when you visited the bedroom. You found a side of him, that he thought he lost many years ago, and all suppressed feelings rushed back at once. If he wouldn’t have stopped, he might have hurt you again. Now, after some time of thinking and getting in touch with his inner demons, he feels comfortable again and even a little needy… Elijah puts his hands on your shoulders, moving hair to one side, then pulls your tshirt down a little.

-Don’t worry, you’re the only goddess around here, - he says it in a sensual manner while planting kisses on your shoulder and neck. You can’t help, but be swept away by his voice and touch. Does this mean that everything is fine between you two again? You turn to face him. Elijah’s expression is alluring making you almost forget what it was that you wanted to discuss in the first place.

-I actually have a favor to ask.

-What is it? – Elijah doesn’t seem to care, being caught in the moment.

-I want you to let me go.

You could almost hear a record player scratch. Elijah takes a step back and looks at you in disbelief.

-You want me to let you go? – he sounds surprised. This is the last thing he expected to hear from you.

-Elijah, it’s been what, a week? They’re going to declare me missing soon enough and I’m not missing! What will I do? Live here for the rest of my life, until you get bored and kill me? Let me visit my flat, my university. I will show up, put everyone at ease and come back.

-Am I hearing right? You’re going to return... – he was never this skeptical in his life before.

-Yes, I will. I’m not stupid. I realize what’s going to happen if I won’t. It’s going to be messy for both of us and honestly, I would like to avoid it. Just for a day. Please?

Eijah is dumbfounded. It’s five o’clock in the morning and his initial victim, that he became fond of for some sick reasons, is asking him to let her go after she was kidnapped, threatened with murder, beaten and witnessed his other victim dead…promising to return. One of them was out of their mind and honestly, it was probably him, because…

-Sure, go ahead, - he decides to let you.

You sigh with relief and smile.

-Thank you.

Giving him a kiss on a cheek you get ready to leave, since in the morning you will have some serious stuff to deal with. Elijah still stands there unable to comprehend what made him decide to just throw away his life. There’s no way this is going to end well.

-You return, - he finally manages to put some weight in his words.

-I will, - you assure one last time. - Goodnight, Elijah.

You’re not gonna lie, you feel nervous getting ready to leave. Back to the city all by yourself. Elijah doesn’t come to see you off, but you don’t blame him. He’s probably going to be cleaning all day, brandishing his alibi, just in case you decide to show with a police or something.. Again, understandable. You weren’t quite sure yourself what exactly is your plan of action once you’re back. It feels like you spent an eternity here.

Around noon you are back at your place. Feelings of familiarity and comfort immediately surround you, but you don’t feel like you fit here anymore. It’s even hard to believe, that just a week ago it was your life. A normal psychology student with a dream of cracking the secret of human brain, hoping for a carrier, nice apartment and a pet. Casually drinking, smoking and writing, like a French woman in her thirties already disappointed in life and men, spending her days behind a copywriter or at a bar downstairs. Your imagination was running wild, taking you to various places, but never to the one you are now. You could’ve never imagined that…

Picking up every little thing, that holds some memories, you walk around the flat. Eventually pack essentials and close the door behind you. Everything you though you’re gonna be stays behind too. Goodbye.

Next stop is the university. You try to avoid the contact with people who might know you, just so you could save some time and energy feeding them lies, and go straight to the professor to whom you knew you will have to submit your thesis work at the end of semester. He’s slightly surprised that you skipped classes, but you make up an excuse about getting food poisoning and losing your phone. Trouble doesn’t walk alone, as they say. He has no reason to doubt you, so you two discuss other matters and you get an approval to focus more on your early thesis and less on classes, since after new year those are gonna end anyway.

It’s actually surprising how the world just goes on, not even noticing how much you had to live through. No one was actually too suspicious or worried. In a way it made you feel better. Less chaos, less drama.

Since you have the whole day to yourself, you decide to stop by your favorite Mexican place and get some tacos as a reward for a good work. You get to the food truck around fifteen minutes away from university and place an order, standing around in cold, breathing white.

-(Y/N) ? – a familiar voice calls out to you. For a second you ignore it, hoping that the person will walk away, but of course that doesn’t happen. – (Y/N), oh my god, where have you been? I haven’t seen you since the gathering at a pub.

-Hey, Jessie, - you turn around and greet your classmate. You two hang out occasionally, since she’s a very bubbly person and you don’t have it in you to turn her down, but right now you weren’t in the mood for a chit chat. – I’m sorry, I got food poisoning. Couldn’t get out of bed…

-That’s bullshit, - she laughs, but gives a suspicious look. – I stopped by your apartment. You were definitely not there. What’s going on?

Well of course she would come to check on you. Unfortunately now she sees through you and there’s no other choice, but to tell the truth. You sigh.

-I…met a guy.

-What? No way! – she immediately gets excited. - Oh my god, so you spent the entire week with him?! Girl, spill it.

-I don’t know… it might not be so serious, so I’d rather keep it to myself, - you try to avoid the topic, but to no avail.

-Nah ah, you spent seven days with a man with no call, no nothing. It is serious. What’s his name?

-Uff…ummm… Thomas, - you say the first name that comes to mind hopefully convincing enough.

-Quit being so shy. I’m not judging! Should we find a warm place to sit?

-Actually, I’m getting the tacos and going home for the day. Sorry.

-Your home or his home? – she cheekily smiles.

-You got me there, - you laugh nervously. When will this end…

-At least tell me what he’s like. He must be pretty special if he caught your attention. You’re so picky with men, I honestly though you will die alone.

-Still might. But if you must know…

You think for a second, imagining Elijah sitting behind his office desk, wearing glasses and seriously working on whatever project interest him at that moment. Always so tired. He never takes good care of himself, honestly. If not Chloe, he would be such a mess. That image makes you genuinely smile.

-He’s intelligent, handsome, talented, very creative and open minded. But also sensitive and attentive. Honest. He challenges me and I do the same for him, - even you haven’t realized how fond of him you actually are until this very moment. He truly took over you.

Jessie awww’s and your order is called. You take the food bag, thank the guy behind a counter, and say your goodbyes to Jess. She doesn’t ask anymore being simply happy for you. And you feel the same. Maybe this encounter wasn’t so bad after all.

Lights are off in all the rooms, the house is empty and silent. Only moonlight is casting its light through the open windows coating everything in a soft silver layer. The smell of winter lingers in the air. Occasional snowflake swirls in sparkling like a fairy, creating a wonderland image. The sound of piano only enhances it. It’s Clair de Luna. Such a fitting melody haunting emptiness of the house. Emptiness of his soul.

Elijah is hunched over the piano, smoothly moving fingers across its keys. Sound is very clear and passionate, with him pouring everything in this performance. It’s only natural that it attracted a spectator.

Elijah doesn’t seem to notice and you don’t interrupt. Until the last note goes silent…

Elijah raises his head and finally sees you. A surprised expression follows relieved one.

-You’re here.

-Of course I am, - you give a warm smile and start walking towards him. – There’s no other place I would rather be right now.

He welcomes you back, taking your hand and pulling you closer. You press your palm against his cold cheek in return and gently caress it. You feel home. Here, with him. With his twisted mind and poetic murders. You’re falling for him and he does the same. And you know it because at this very moment he’s the first one to kiss you. You answer, warmth filling up your chest.

This night Elijah holds you in his arms.

[nightblogofficialbook]

Chapter One

Also available on the Tapas.io Website, search for Night in the Novels tab!

“Helen, time to wake up!”

I turned over with a groan. “My alarm hasn’t even gone off yet, mom,” I complained, burying my head further under the pillow.

“You set that thing way too late, you’re always rushing yourself in the morning!”

Mom clicked the light on and I groaned louder. “Come on, I’ll make you pancakes but you have to get up now little missy.”

I gave in and sat up. My hair was a nest, my muscles still asleep. I yawned and stretched, and got up to walk out of my room to the bathroom to fix my mess.

My name is Helen Morris. I’m sixteen, tired of life, and ready for retirement already. It’s currently 5:30 a.m. thanks to school being an hour’s bus route away from home. In three months I turn seventeen and qualify for driving unsupervised. Not that I have a car to drive, but at least I’ll be able to work without the school stepping in, too. I live with my mom in an old, rickety two-bedroom, one bathroom house with walls that creaked and water that didn’t always run hot for very long. It wasn’t much, but it was paid off and in her name. My dad’s in prison, but I don’t want to think about him.

I got dressed in plain jeans and a blue t-shirt and walked through the hallway to the kitchen. Mom had some homemade blueberry pancakes made up ready the way I usually eat them. I groggily sat down and took a bite, enjoying the flavor for the moment. Mom glanced back at me from the sink where she was cleaning the pans and bowls.

“See, isn’t this nicer than rushing off with no breakfast?” she said matter-of-factly.

“It is, thanks Mom.” I really was grateful to being woken up like this. Mom usually works overnight as a nurse, so mornings like these are the result of her still being awake after her shift. It was hard to fully appreciate it in the moment, though, with the not being fully awake yet and all.

I finished my pancakes and milk, and dropped the dishes in the dishwasher. After finishing up the rest of my boring morning routine of brushing my teeth and getting dressed, I grabbed my bag, hugged my mom, and went out the door for the ten minute walk towards the bus stop.

The air was still cool and crisp, but I knew it was a lie. In two to fours hours it would be hot as hell. I still wore a jacket nonetheless because the school, in addition to being terrible already, did not know what the meaning of climate control is, and tended to have its classrooms ranging from stuffy to freezing. But for these ten quiet minutes, it was a nice morning.

The aged houses and trees of my neighborhood gave way to a more modern urban sprawl, the neighborhood of the better-off kids. I like to think I was only envious of the fact that they had less things to worry about, given their financial stability. Granted, I had no idea what kind of lives lived behind those doors, but I couldn’t help the bitter feeling that it surely couldn’t be anything nearly as bad as the rest of us. I haven’t really been out in the world necessarily yet, but I did see how much mom struggles to keep us afloat and happy.

Past this neighborhood was the community center and library, which is where my bus stop was. Behind this was a large, forested area which I sometimes use as shortcut to get  here from home as it cuts the time in half. Which I frequently have to do. It can be pretty creepy this early in the morning, even more so after dark. But the five minutes of sunset was where it’s at; the way the golden-red rays fell through the trees...it was pretty magical.

Fun fact about this forest; there’s this huge creepy castle that no one ever goes near, somewhere right smack in the middle. It’s not like people aren’t allowed to go near, but, inexplicably, people avoid that place anyway. Some say it’s haunted, some claim it’s not even there. Apparently some have even actually gone in but never came back out. None of it is backed up by anything, but I’ve always avoided the area nonetheless. It’s a bit out of the way from my route home anyway, and I’m not dumb enough to go trespassing on someone else’s property in the middle of the woods.

The bus arrived, and thank goodness, because the other kids at my stop started to arrive at the same time. I didn’t want to interact with anyone if I could help it. One dude quickly put out a cigarette soon as he saw the bus, and a couple girls my age looked disappointed to not have any time to gawk and gossip about the shabbiness of everything in general. Since the bus barn is close to this area, ours was the first stop to be picked up in the mornings, but also the last one to drop in the evenings. Which meant we got first pick on seats but also had to deal with everyone else for the maximum amount of time possible. And this bus picked up both junior high and high schoolers.

I remember being in junior high, I grimaced as a bunch of fourteen/fifteen-year-olds loaded up at the next few stops. It really wasn’t all that long ago honestly, but it was such a weird age. Girls figuring out puberty, boys learning how to be asses but not understanding why girls won’t be attracted to them, but at the same time both genders thinking the other is stupid. I really hated that age. Not that high school is much different, but at least everyone has enough going on to keep out of each other’s business.

The hour passes and I nearly fell asleep as the bus dropped the high schoolers off first. I got my stiff legs moving and made my way into the building.

Classes pass in a daze like usual. Nothing is very interesting, but at least it’s consistent. I know what to expect from my day, and what’s expected of me. I know what periods I’m going to hate, and which ones I can relax in. It really isn’t as bad as I complain about, sometimes. That’s just how life goes. You settle into monotony and enjoy the calm ride however you can.

Unfortunately for today, I had forgotten about my math test. I’m not bad at math, but I’m not great at it either, and the teacher is REALLY confusing most of the time. She needs to seriously consider retirement; hardly anyone could make heads or tails of what she’d say. I bombed the test of course, I forgot to do the practice homework to prepare for it. When I got my test back, there was a note in red pen telling me I need to apply myself or I’m going to have to take remedial lessons. The last thing I needed was even MORE time at school. That would mean I’d have to miss my bus and catch a public bus. Which means getting home after dark and making mom worry.

Last class was just a seminar hour for study, and thankfully I had this with my best friend, Emily. We both took a dead language class as an elective and were translating a runes assignment.

“Tell me if you think this is close,” she said quietly. “Here be a person of shared...tree?”

“That’s the symbol for parent, not tree,” I corrected, “so it should be ‘Here be a person of shared parent.’ They’re saying it’s their sibling.”

“Ooooooohhhh I get it now,” Emily mused. “I swear though, I had to have gotten somebody’s eulogy or something.”

“It might be, it’s gotta be more interesting than mine. I’m pretty sure I just have someones written layout of their town.”

“Seriously though, how are you so good at this? These are dead languages, and the teacher freakin’ loves you.”

I shrugged. “I dunno. I have a hard time with the roman based letters sometimes, which is dumb, but give me runes and I’ve got it. I think it’s because there’s a simpler pattern to decipher for me. Like, the structure just makes sense with the language syntax or something.”

“I dunno,” Emily stared dubiously at her text. “We’re already in the second course and this is still all just gibberish to me.”

“You got that far, though, didn’t you?” I said, gesturing to her project. “You got halfway through the assignment before getting a symbol confused with another.”

“Yeah, but I still have to use a cheat sheet.”

I shrugged again. “Nothing wrong with that. Plus, no one else has it as easy either. Maybe I’m just a weirdo.”

She laughed, and I grinned. Our seminar teacher shushed us angrily, even though we weren’t being that loud. I narrowed my eyes his direction but just let it go. He had always been an ass that could only ever amount to a gym teacher, but it wasn’t worth picking a fight with him. Besides, there was nothing I could really do about it.

School let out and Emily walked with me to my bus. She was one of the lucky ones whose parents were able to have time to pick her up after school. “You think you’ll be able to come over today?” she asked hopefully.

“Sorry, not this time either. Mom wants me to pick up some stuff from the community center for her work and by that point it’ll be almost dark.”

“Dang. You should ask her if it’s cool if my mom just picks you up from school and then takes you home.”

“Ha! Good luck with that, she barely feels comfortable with me riding the bus, let alone someone else’s car.”

We said our goodbyes and I got on the bus to settle in for the hour-long drive back. The town flew by in a blur of hills and houses and trees, every now and then passing through the small business district again as the bus weaved back and forth, unloading it’s contents like a slowly hatching spider’s nest. The tiredness of the day began to weigh on me, and I felt a little guilty for lying to Emily. Mom didn’t actually have anything I needed to get; I just didn’t want to ask her again, only to be told no and reminded of the dangers of why. And with her busy schedule, she really didn’t even have time to meet parents and give proper assessment. It was so frustrating, but even more so because I understood why.

At least, in a few months, I’ll legally be allowed to work, and I’ll be able to use that as a reason for her to allow me to start making my own decisions.

My stop finally arrived, I got off the bus like all the other little spiderlings, and began my walk home. I still have enough time before sunset actually happens and it gets too dark, so I decided to take my nature path through the woods. It was quiet, immediately a different atmosphere from the civilization around the community center. The trees were tall and loomed far overhead, not impossibly tall or really even impressively tall, but gentle. The oaks and sycamores and birches all commingled their leaves, creating this wonderful blanket of patterned light through the summer green foliage. A breeze would sometimes drift through, causing the treetops to shimmer and rustle and bring relief from the fading summer heat. Below my feet was a lightly worn path from all the times I’ve walked through these woods, every now and then branching off into other less worn paths from the times others had walked through here as well. I breathed in and enjoyed the peace. Sometimes I wish I could just live out here, in the trees, away from all the people. Away from all the noise and frustrations of everyone’s expectations.

The peace was short lived of course, as it always was. The path was only a five minute walk after all. And before long I was back near my house with its tall privacy fenced in yard and it’s peeling paint and creaky hinges.

Mom was already awake and getting ready for work, wearing her baby blue scrubs as I walked in.

“Dinner is on the stove,” she instructed, “ and I have the oven on warm so don’t forget it. Remember to keep the doors locked.” She kissed me on the forehead. “Love you baby, be safe.”

“You too mom,” I hugged back, and locked the door as she left. I checked all of the windows and back doors absentmindedly, thinking about how different things would be if things were...well, different. Mom could stay at home and wouldn’t need to work so much, I could possibly have a life outside school and home, though to be honest I don’t know how much I’d actually want that. Maybe we’d have a bigger, newer house.

I shook my head, assembling the chili tortillas mom had prepped for me and sitting down. No, this is nice, this is okay. We’ve got a warm home, enough good food, and new clothes when we need them. We’re not hurting for money, and getting by modestly. This was nice enough.

After cleaning my dishes and putting the food away, I went back to my room to my desk to deal with the remedial homework my math teacher had given me. I clicked the radio setting on my alarm and listened to music while I worked through the numbers. The song playing on the station made me smile; it was a pop classic Emily and I liked to make fun of, due to it sounding exactly like every other song out there but with the lyrics being horrifically bad. I sung to it softly, wondering what she was up to.

Just as the thought crossed my mind, the phone rang. My heart gave a start from the sudden noise. “Hello?” I answered.

“Hey! It’sa me!”

I laughed. “Hey Emily. I was just thinking about what you’d be up to.”

“Making pizza rolls. Well, waiting for pizza rolls. So I just heard our song on the radio and I thought hey, Helen better be hearing this too ‘cause I can’t just enjoy the hilarity of it again all by myself.”

I laughed again. “I was, actually. Trying to plow through this stupid extra math work Mrs. Marrow gave me.

“Ugh, Bloody Marrow, she needs to retire.”

“For sure.”

“Anyway, so I actually wanted to tell you something that happened to me today!” she began, excited. “Erin asked me out in the most sweetest adorable way ever, she had given me her phone number last week ‘cause we had a science project together and had to coordinate outside of class and whatever, and today she sent me a text wanting to know if I like ice cream and would want to go get some at this new shop opening up at the mall this week!!”

I sat forward in amazement. “Emily! That’s awesome! You’ve had a crush on her for like, forever, I’m so happy for you!”

“I knoooooooow,” I heard her squee on the other end, and the sound of rustling as she was probably rolling back and forth on her bed happily. “She’s so prettyyyyy and I’m so gaaaaaaaaaaay.” I laughed.

“Well, I really hope it works out for you. It’d be really cool to see you two together.”

“Yeah, I’m a little scared though. I mean, this clearly sounds like a date, but I have no idea if she’s like, INTO me, or just ya know, looking for a friend or whatever.”

“Dude. She’s totally into you. How could she not be?”

“Buuuuuut-”

“For reals though. I’ve seen the way she acts when you come around. Plus you’re not exactly hiding your rainbows. She’s totes into you.”

“Uuuuuggghhhhh I just don’t knowwwwww.” I heard her shift. “Have you ever had a massive crush on anyone? Or have a crush on anyone currently?” she added with a hint of probing in her voice.

“I did once,” I grimaced. “That was a few years ago. You remember James?”

She made a noise of surprise. “Ugh that jock-head?”

“Yeah. He went to my middle school before we had moved here.”

“Dang, small world.”

“Yeah. Well, I used to think he was cute back then, and he kind of was. But I never really knew him. When I first moved here and started high school, I found out he went to this school too, so I tried to go talk to him since he was the only person I knew, and he essentially said ‘Ew, no, go away.’ Or something like that.”

“Ugh, boys are so rotten. You should switch sides, girls are way nicer.”

I gave a small laugh. “I wish. I get why you like girls, but I just kinda...don’t like anyone.”

“Dude, confession time to lighten the mood? I once had a crush on you.”

“I know,” I laughed. “You gave me chocolates and your lunch like, everyday. I felt bad for not realizing sooner after I ate all of your food.”

She laughed too. “S’algood, s’algood, I think I may have been mixing feelings a bit, you just seemed like someone I HAD to get to know.”

“I’m really glad you did. I didn’t have any friends at that time.”

“And you’re like, the most open-minded person ever. A lot of girls would get really defensive. Which sucks, but is also pretty hilarious too.”

“Well, I’m flattered you thought I was gay,” I teased. “And sorry that I wasn’t.”

“Yeah, you could be bi though, and I just wasn’t your type. Or maybe even ace.”

“I dunno, I kinda just...don’t care? I don’t really care what category I’d fit in, I just want to be treated like me.”

“Saaaaaame, girl, same.”

We chatted for a few more hours before it started getting really late. The phone call distraction extended my homework by the same amount of time, but it made it easier to get through, and at least it was done. As the last tangent conversation ended we said our see-you-tomorrows and hung up.

I flopped back against the musty pillows. I should really wash those. Our earlier conversation went through my mind, and I turned over on my side, hugging a large stuffed husky my mom got me when I was ten. It’s not like I didn’t want to like people, or that I didn’t want to date anyone. No one ever felt like they were actually interested in ME, not even Emily. At least Emily was aware of it; that’s the reason we became friends. But...I didn’t want to risk the possibility of actually really liking someone, and they just turn out to be like James had been; a stuck up jerk who didn’t even want to be nice. Or like some of the guys that were too thick to understand that Emily likes girls and certainly not them.

Being alone though...that’s what sucks the most. And for me, being around people who make me feel alone is the worst feeling of all.

I sat at the computer lab in the community center, looking at job listings, looking for any that hire seventeen year olds. It was still a few months away but It wouldn’t hurt to try to get a head start. I could use the shortened time to convince them to at least consider me; there was a public bus route that made a stop just down the road from where the school bus drops, at roughly the same time. I could take my seminar hour at the end of the day and check myself out of school, work for a couple of hours, and then commute back here. And mom wouldn’t need to know about it, AND I’d be able to help out with expenses. It’s a win-win scenario, it wouldn’t even cut into homework time.

I leaned back and stretched, and noticed that it was unusually quiet, and dark, in the building. I looked around; everyone had left save for the front desk lady, who was quietly reading her book. The auto lights had already gone out.

I checked the time on the computer. It said 8:05.

Oh crap.

Logging out as quickly as I could I bolted out the doors; the sun was already in setting position. “Oh crap oh crap.” Mom is going to be furious, this was her night off, I should have been home an hour ago…!

I ran towards the woods, debating whether to take the chance of it being dark before I made it through or getting into even more trouble with mom. To be honest, mom is probably scarier. The implications of it being after dark by the time I made it home was enough of a risk. I dove right into the treeline.

There was a different eeriness to the atmosphere here today, maybe it was because I was in a hurry, and maybe because it was minutes from full darkness. Something sent prickles across my skin, like I was being watched, like something was following me. I moved quicker, faster, my breath starting to become labored. A chilling mist was filling the forest; the sun had set. A strange lurch in the pit of my stomach pulled me in a direction that I was sure was the path home. Surely I was close now…?

I stopped, unable to believe my eyes as the treeline gave way to a clearing, my heart sinking as I realized it wasn’t because I was leaving the forest...and rising again from the sheer awe that was before me.

Towering far above me and covering the entire expanse of the open treeline I stepped out from, was an impressively large, black stone castle.

“It’s real…” I whispered. “No way…” How on earth did I end up here? I know that path by heart, I shouldn’t have veered off for a moment…!

Curiosity governed my senses. I walked through the white rose bushes that lined the outer wall and towards the brick; it wasn’t just a flat dark stone, it was carved with intricate details and patterns and symbols. With a start I recognized a lot of them; sanskrit, rune, greek, hebrew, korean. None were written in a manner I could read or understand, but something told me it was all the same language, whatever it was. Running my fingers across them felt almost electric, as if they held magic or something dumb like that.

I walked along the wall, carefully avoiding the rose buses that lined the way, coming up to a wrought iron gate. It twisted into intricate vine-like patterns with an almost glossy new sheen, as if it had just been made. A similar theme was applied to the rest of the castle beyond the wall, like a gothic style mansion with darkened rooftops. It was gorgeous and glossy and new and…

Wait, new?

I looked closer at the walls, and tried my best to look closer at the inner castle itself. Everything looked pristine and kept, fresh painted with muted and yet vibrant colors, even the stone and iron showed no discernable age. As if it had been freshly built. If this was the legendary castle in the woods, it would have to be SUPER ancient, because that myth has been around since our parents’ parents were little. It would be worn, the stones cracking and nature attempting to take over, or at the very least look uninhabited.

This looked very inhabited.

A chill fell over my body and dread followed suit. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t know what kind of people would live here, but I got the feeling they’d be the kind that wouldn’t care about shooting some random teenager looking like they’re about to trespass. I backed away quickly, feeling the hairs on the back of my neck rise as it felt like I was being closely watched again.

“Ouch!” Pain stung across my forearm as I stumbled into a rose bush, dragging a very thin bead of blood in a line down the scratch. “Ah, crap…” Now mom won’t just be mad. She’ll be paranoid.

A light snap! sounded from my left and I spun towards it, fear filling my pulsing chest. A million thoughts ran through my head, my breath started to catch. Very slowly, carefully this time, I started backing away. I let out a sigh of relief as a squirrel ran out from a bush, but the tension remained. It was time to leave.

But then I heard another crack, and this wasn’t a squirrel.

A pair of eyes shone in the dark, and a large, lithe figure began to step out from the shadows; that was all I needed to turn around and nope the heck out of there.

I had barely taken ten steps before I felt a rush of wind, and then suddenly I was jerked backwards into something solid by my arms. “NO-!” A scream had just barely begun from my mouth when pain erupted my from shoulder. Numbness overtook me and then everything was black.

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[aroseandapen]

{Where the sky and water meet}

Trying out a 30 day OTP OT3 Challenge with any combination of the saioumota boys. New OumotaWeek flavors!

Day 17: Washing (+day 5, AU) - oumota

AO3

(Kaito visits the merman who’s taken a liking to both him and the sweets he brings. He can’t deny that cute face, even if he does go home wet and smelling like fish.)

Standing waist-deep in water, feeling the waves push and pull him along, Kaito couldn’t help but imagine what could happen to someone alone in the ocean like this. While the shore wasn’t too far away, it was devoid of anyone who might see something if Kaito ran into a problem. An image like that made him nervous for a brief moment, before he forced his thoughts elsewhere, to the very reason why he needed a secluded beach instead.

He focused on the goal ahead of him, a rocky outcropping that he found made a perfect place to sit. Kaito waded towards it, holding his messenger bag up so that it wouldn’t get wet.

As he reached it, out of the corner of his eye he saw something darting toward him. He spun around, teetering dangerously from the quick movement. The shape moved in on him fast, the water bending over it as it swam towards him.

“Shit, dammit,” he muttered to himself, holding his bag above his head and bracing himself.

The swimming shape breached the water’s surface with a splash, and Kaito just caught sight of a bright-smiling face and mischievous purple eyes before it hit him, wet arms wrapping around his chest and he stumbled backwards one... two... three steps...

And fell backward into the water.

A spray of bubbles escaped his mouth as his head dunked below the surface, before he had the good sense to hold his breath. Somehow, miraculously, he kept his bag held aloft and above the water as he used his free hand to grope at the muddy sand beneath him. He pushed himself back up, and once again got to his feet.

This time with a new weight hanging off of him.

“What the hell was that for, Kokichi? I brought you cake, and you’re going to ruin it by getting it wet like that.”

A deceptively human face grinned up at him, the iridescent purple fins at the sides of his head wiggling in delight. The sharp teeth that lined his mouth had once intimidated Kaito, but now they were nowhere near as unnerving as the way the merman now batted his second set of eyelids at him, the translucent film slipping down and up over his eyeballs making him shudder at the sight.

“And will you stop that? It’s creepy.”

“Stop what? I’m just soooo happy to see you. It’s boring and lonely in the ocean by my self alllll week.” Kokichi pouted, as if he wasn’t fully aware that what he was doing gave Kaito chills. Despite his feigned innocence, he did stop, his gaze flickering up to the bag that Kaito still held above his head. “Oooh, ohh, you brought me cake? Gimme, gimme!”

“Hold on, let me sit down first, geez. You’re such a child,” he grumbled, mostly to himself as he waded the short distance left between him and the outcropping that’d been his original goal. The rock that had become a meeting place for him and the (quite excited) merman.

Kokichi released him, splashing back down into the water and drifting until Kaito sat down and got himself situated. The moment he did, and the messenger bag was set to the side where it wouldn’t accidentally fall into the water, Kokichi hauled himself up out of the water with surprising strength for such a slim upper body. He flopped right into Kaito’s lap, wiggling around until he could recline against the rock with him, sitting right beside him with his tail thrown across Kaito.

He grinned, wrapping his arms around him. Always touchy, Kaito found, but that could only be expected. From what Kokichi told him, there wasn’t exactly anyone that he could touch and cuddle with in the open ocean. Mermaids--mermen? merfolk?--seemed to be mainly solitary. Kaito would be touch-starved too in that case.

“Ok, you’re sitting! Now gimme my cake!”

Kaito almost wanted to say no with how demanding Kokichi was acting, but he couldn’t bear to refuse him with the way his eyes sparkled with unrestrained excitement. So he muttered out a half-reluctant assent, opening his bag to pull out a plastic container, with a piece of cake that he’d bought at the nearby bakery on his way there.

Kokichi snatched it from him the moment he had it within reach, tearing it open and grabbing the cake whole with his bare hand. Globs of frosting squished off between his fingers, and Kaito grimaced as he held his fistful of cake to his face and chomped into it.

“I brought a fork you know...” he said, to which Kokichi gave him a puzzled look, but didn’t respond.

Right, Kaito supposed it didn’t matter anyway. Although it seemed unpleasant and messy to him, he guessed that anything would just wash off once he went back into the water. Besides... Kokichi’s regular diet of fish guts and other raw seafood had to be messier than bread and frosting.

“Mmm,” Kokichi hummed out his pleasure as he devoured the slice. It was gone in no time, and he slowly licked the frosting from his fingers. “It’s so good, next time you should bring me more.”

“We’ll see,” he said, keeping vague. “Now get off, if you’re going to sit in my lap here, I’m not getting frosting all over me.”

“You’re so *mean*,” Kokichi pouted, but complied, rolling off of Kaito and into the water.

“Well it’s bad enough having to walk home soaking wet and freezing after being out here for a few hours.” Not to mention the persistent smell of fish that hung around him even after a long, hot shower. “I don’t need to be all sticky as well.”

Kokichi pulled himself back into his place, freshly rinsed off. He wrapped an arm around Kaito’s neck, smirking as he brought their faces closer together. His other hand rested on Kaito’s cheek, and he could feel Kokichi’s breath on his lips.

“Well I know a way to keep you warm in the ocean, if that’s a problem.”

Kaito felt his cheeks warm, his heart skipping a beat at how suggestive Kokichi sounded there. It took a few seconds for him to remember the implication under his words, and he pushed Kokichi’s face away.

“Fucking stop that already. I’m not kissing you.”

Kokichi pouted again, although he didn’t seem too bothered by the rejection. “Aww, I’m so sad that you won’t let me turn you into a mermaid. I bet you’d make a really handsome one too. You’ll just lose a few memories in the process, but you’ve been human your whoooole life. It’s selfish if you don’t give the rest of us a turn!”

“You were already human once,” Kaito pointed out, remembering what Kokichi had told him. Supposedly, through a kiss a mermaid and a human could switch places, at the cost of the human’s memories and their former life. He couldn’t imagine why anyone would do that willingly, but if it were true then apparently Kokichi had.

Not that Kokichi could recall it, anyway.

“Yeah I guess.” Kokichi shrugged, tracing his fingertips over Kaito’s chest. “I mean, being human must suck if I’m here now, so who cares! Even if the cake is really good.”

Kaito didn’t know how to respond to that. Although the merman brushed it off, he felt as if Kokichi wasn’t being completely honest with remaining as he was. He wrapped his arms around Kokichi’s waist, hugging him closer. His hand trailed over his tail, careful of the scales that could cut him if he let his guard down. Kokichi had told him once that it felt a little nice, although the sensation was dull and his tail wasn’t so sensitive as Kaito’s skin seemed to be in comparison.

The silence persisted for a few minutes, before Kokichi tilted his face up towards him with a pleading smile.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna kiss me? I bet I’m a really good kisser, and being a mermaid isn’t so bad, other than the long hours of boredom and isolation that come with it.”

Kaito rolled his eyes. “Man, you’re really selling me on this.”

“Buuuut I’ll come visit you every day! And maybe bring you some cake!” Kokichi leaned in, brushing his lips over Kaito’s shoulder. “And I’ll kiss you so hard you’ll literally forget everything about yourself, nee-heehee.”

“I don’t really know why I put up with you sometimes.”

“Because you loooove me!”

“Ugh, you’re being ridiculous.”

Kokichi’s eyes twinkled in the sun like purple-colored sea glass. “But you don’t deny it~. I bet you really do want to kiss me.”

“Shut up or I’m not going to bring you anything ever again,” he said, but it was an empty threat. “Anyway, I told you. I have things I want to get done before I die, and I gotta work hard and make it happen. I’m studying for the astronaut certification exam, and a buddy of a buddy of mine is gonna get me fake papers saying that I’m a college graduate so I can take it! My dreams are right within reach!”

The merman didn’t respond right away, his face slipping into a blank expression that Kaito couldn’t read. When he did speak again, his tone was neutral. “Why so soon? You can just go to college first, and then take the exam.”

“I can’t wait! I want to go to space as soon as possible!” The thought brought a huge grin to his face. “Man, I just can’t wait. I want to explore the universe and go farther places than any man has gone before! My name will be in history books, and I’ll blaze the way for others to come after me.”

Kokichi’s smile was small, almost strained. “I can’t believe Kaito is such a nerd,” he said with a tiny giggle.

“Hey, I am not!”

“You’re such a nerd,” Kokichi insisted, his smile growing. “Don’t forget me when you’re meeting aliens and bringing home space rocks.”

Even if his tone was light, Kokichi’s words put a damper on Kaito’s bolstering mood. Right, in his moment of excitement he completely forgot what that sort of thing would mean for his visits with Kokichi. When he went for training, he’d have even less chance to come to the beach. The weekly visits would become monthly, or even less. Only a few times a year he’d be able to come out.

“I’d still come visit whenever I can, you know. I’m not going to forget you.”

A beat passed, the silence more telling than anything Kokichi would ever say aloud. “Nee-heehee, of course you wouldn’t! There’s no way you could ever forget anyone as adorable and fun to hang around as me!”

And the conversation turned away from there, and they continued chatting for the next few hours as if their impending separation weren’t hanging over their heads like a blade ready to come down on them. All the while, Kaito couldn’t get Kokichi’s earlier words out of his head.

‘being a mermaid isn’t so bad, other than the long hours of boredom and isolation that come with it.’

A guilty desire bubbled up in Kaito’s chest, and he immediately felt sick for it. Yet, as ashamed as he was of it, he couldn’t deny that he wished that someone would one day soon come along who was willing to trade places with Kokichi. And he hated himself for it.

[cynicalboddhisattva]

Journey to the Unmanifest

The following is a catalogue of events that transpired between August and December 2009, a time period best described as a journey into the unmanifest dimension. It was like going through a series of inner doors, so I will list them as such.

Door 1: Around August 2009 at the Atlanta Soto Zen Center. My world had just collapsed, with no career and no future as far as I was concerned. Tortured with overwhelming anxiety and unable to focus, l was willing to give meditation a shot. I had nothing else, after all.

I sat. I sat and let my mind reel. I sat and let my grief take me over. I let my fear rattle inside of my head like a screaming animal. Then, after about 3 weeks of this, 30 minutes into a wild, unbridled storm of thoughts and emotions, there it was — empty space, total silence, and complete stillness.

My breathing became deep and heavy. Flashes of red and blue lights danced against the plain white wall in front of me. With every breath the lights flashed like a strobe. It felt incredible. I wanted to feel like this all the time.

Door 2: Late October 2009. Dharma talk at the Atlanta Soto Zen Center, good old Gareth leading the chat. I was calm after a nice meditation, and I was passively taking in what was being said, only half-listening. Then he said something as he looked right at me.

“It’s amazing how people come in here and open up like a flower!” he said with joyful exuberance as he held his palm up and extended his fingers out as if they were petals opening. Then something happened. Something inside me opened. I don’t know what. I can’t explain it, because it goes beyond language. He wasn’t aware he had done anything to me, and it didn’t much matter. It was like a knot in my soul was untied. I swelled with a sense of relief as a lifetime of grief left my body.

Door 3: November 2009; I was determined to deepen whatever was happening to me. Whatever this was, I wanted to know it. I wanted to feel it inside my bones, to merge into it, to disappear into it. It was my new addiction. My time was spent meditating, trying to understand what the hell the “eightfold path” was, reading books, listening to monks on YouTube, learning about string theory —- I couldn’t get enough. Whatever got me one level deeper was what I was going to do.

Nothing else seemed to matter anymore. Looking for a job seemed absurd. Parents, friends, food, sleep, exercise —- all these things became almost irrelevant. I let it go. I let it go because I wanted to die. I wanted the death that nirvana seemed to promise.

A strange thought — it occurred to me that I wasn’t breathing—-I was being breathed by something else. What this thing was I didn’t understand, but I could see it in the mirror, staring right back at me with a mischievous, knowing smile. This is when I started to freak out a little.

What was this thing staring at me? I wanted to know it. I would meditate, body fully exposed, in front of the sliding glass door mirror in the spare bedroom. I would watch as this body inflated and deflated like a 19th century fireplace billow, abdomen distending with each inspiration. Who was the one breathing? Not me. This was something alien.

There it was again —- flashing red and blue lights with each breath, surrounding the reflection in the mirror this time. I started to feel lightheaded, like I was leaving my body. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, so I kept backing off at this point. There was only so much at a time I could take.

I told Gareth about the mirror thing. He said not to worry — I was starting to glimpse reality and my mind was making all sorts of interpretations. I was advised not to interpret, but I did anyway.

Door 4: December 2009, Week 1. “Stillness Speaks”, by Eckhart Tolle made its way into my hands. There was something mentioned in the introduction claiming that the book was “doing its work” on me simply by holding it in my hands. Airy-fairy bullshit, I thought; but with everything that was happening I didn’t know what was bullshit anymore.

I’ll be damned — it worked. It was doing something. My senses sharpened. My mind was clearer. Everything became brighter. Fuck me, this was real.

Door 5: December 2009, Week 4, Day 1-2. Torrented “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth” on audiobook. Illegally downloading spiritual books is the best, I tell you.

Eckhart’s voice was hypnotic. I was transfixed. I would put on his audiobooks, and later his retreat talks, and lay on the floor motionless. I felt like my body and brain were being rewired by this strange German. I couldn’t tell what it was. I knew it wasn’t just the words. I wasn’t even paying attention to the words most of the time. It was something else. It was his presence. He was here, with me. Or I was there, with the retreat people and Eckhart in this virtual space.

I was in a virtual inter-dimensional space with all these people at the Eckhart Tolle retreats, someplace non-physical but very real. Maybe I was going crazy, but I was ready to go crazy if that’s what it took. Better than this shit life, I thought.

Door 6: December 2009, Week 4, Day 3-4. Time travel is real. Astral projection is real. Telepathy is real. I could feel the presence of people who were not physically there — in a way words can’t encapsulate. I would think of a person and they’d call me on cue. I could predict when my mom would call and when my cousin Daisy would call. But it was only with certain people that it worked — the people who “bought in” to the psychics and fortune tellers; my mom and my cousin Daisy. It’s like they were leaving me voicemails in a virtual space.

Door 7: December 2009, Week 4, Day 5-6. My wife is staying overnight at her sister’s, probably to get a break from my apparent insanity. I’m on the floor listening to the same Eckhart Tolle retreat recordings over and over. It was strange, because although I was listening to the same recordings on a loop, I kept hearing different words each time. It was as if, as my awareness heightened, I was able to access the next layer of the message. Each time I listened to the same recording, I heard a different layer, as if it was recorded along multiple simultaneous soundtracks, each one perceptible by a certain stage of consciousness. Different layers of the recording for different stages of consciousness. It was crazy, I know. It sounds like a conspiracy theory in the mind of a schizophrenic—hidden messages made specially for me.

As each layer was peeled back, it felt like Eckhart was speaking directly to me, along with a handful of other people, who had made it all the way down to the layer I was currently at. I knew I was getting closer to whatever this was. I also knew that only a few people ever made it this far out. Me and a handful of others were suspended in this virtual dimension, with Eckhart coaxing us still further.

Then — there was the Publix trip. It was Christmas Eve, I think. I needed to get out of the damn house. I’d been cooped up for days. But I didn’t want to break the trance I was in. I took Eckhart with me. I played Eckhart CDs on the way to Publix, and kept him playing on my headphones as I entered the store.

Things became weird. You know that Einstein thing about time being relative? It’s true. I was moving so fast that everything around me became a blur. I was in another dimension where I could move so fast that others were not aware of my presence. I got done in 30 seconds what would’ve taken me 30 minutes. I dodged around people undetected and almost teleported from aisle to aisle. Time and space didn’t even seem to apply to me. Within what seemed like 2 minutes I was back home.

I couldn’t sleep. My mind was churning. My desktop computer was also churning. I felt like it was my own brain doing that —- calculating like an overclocked processor.

Door 8: December 2009, Week 5, Day 1. My wife is back home. Early this morning, after being up all night and high on Vyvanse, the sun started to speak to me silently. It told me, in its silent language, that it would be gone soon, and that everyone in existence would soon be frozen in a cold, desolate wasteland.

I was going to die. Everyone was. I knew it. It was so, so cold outside. Everyone seemed so, so sad. I felt like people were disappearing, dying in the cold and dark nothing. The city was silent, frozen, and empty. The sun was dimming. I was so cold.

Then, for apparently no reason at all, I was Krishna. Seriously, I became motherfucking, honest-to-god, flute-playing, serene-as-fuck Krishna. And my wife was Radha, though she was unaware of it, and she just thought I was going crazy, and that she should just call my dad.

Right in the middle of my living room, between the couch and the armchair, there was a tear in the fabric of space. I could perceive it, but my wife couldn’t. It was like someone slashed up a sheet with a sword and it was leaking energy from the cosmos. Divine energy and oceanic waves of bliss were entering the room from Vrindavan or wherever the hell Krishna is from. It was unimaginable. I smiled and laughed in delight, much to my wife’s chagrin.

Then it got dark. It was nightfall, and I wasn’t sure I would ever see the sun again. I panicked, turning on all the lights. This was it — the end of everything. The sun is gone forever and we are all going to freeze in darkness.

We took a drive around the block for some reason. I can’t remember. I put my hand up in a blessing gesture as we were driving in what felt to be a completely involuntary action. I was controlling EVERYTHING. The lights, the car (obviously), the weather, the people. Holy smokes, I’m God.

But wait —- at the same time my actions seemed involuntary. Something was moving ME. I was a puppet on strings! But then I can feel the energy of the environment as my own, so I know it’s all my making. I don’t understand! Am I God, or is God controlling my body? Is it both?? This doesn’t make any fucking sense!

I’m home now. Maybe everything has really started disappearing. I need to look. Quick, to the balcony! I’m standing out in the balcony, and I start laughing like a maniac. Everything starts disappearing. The cars in the distant lot, the buildings, the parking lots, and the balcony floor right below my feet! Holy shit, it’s not real! It’s a dream....and it’s dissolving! Oblivion, here I come!

Bedtime. I’m still so cold. I think I’m dying. I AM dying. I don’t think I want to. Quick, put on your thermals, your ski socks, your ski gloves! My wife is in bed beside me. She’s concerned. My hands are turning purple. I’m shivering. I need to watch something spiritual. I need to be soothed. Netflix has a special on Ram Dass. Let’s watch that.

First camera shot, I see death. I see Shiva himself, staring through Ram Dass’ radiant blue eyes. Shiva is trying is here to finish the job. He is here to kill what’s left of me! Turn it off! I don’t want to die. Please, I don’t want to die. I’m so cold. I shiver uncontrollably. My wife suggests I try to get some sleep. I’ve been up for days. That can’t be good for me.

My wife is asleep beside me. I’m dying. I’m actually dying. I’m laying on my side, eyes open. I see a blue light completely absorb my visual field.

Then it all goes black. Just me and infinite nothingness. Everything becomes clear as I accept my own death. I see a familiar image in the midst of this infinite void. There, reclining in infinite space, mace in one hand, chakra in another, and a lotus in yet another hand, was Vishnu, the origin of all of creation. He’s there, right in front of me, and he’s ME. I’m him. I’m Vishnu.

Next to me is Saraswati, my cosmic dance partner. That’s my wife. We’ve been dancing this eternal dance since eternity was a thing. Duality, that’s what we were. Ying and yang. One becomes two; male and female, black and white, creation and destruction.

Then it all went black again, and I was alone in the nothingness. No creation, nothing to perceive, nothing to love, nothing to hate. I felt sad. I didn’t want to be alone. I asked to be let back in. I asked for my wife to be my dance partner again in this dualistic dance of creation. I didn’t want it to just be me. I needed something to perceive, or else I couldn’t know myself.

Then, gradually, I was back. I was back in my human body to play out the rest of my cosmic drama. So many questions remained. I realized that I had just started.

[ciathyzareposts]

Black Crypt: Something About Magic

The party prepares to unleash death on a dracolich.

              Black Crypt‘s approach to magic might be its most unusual feature, and it’s something I didn’t highlight very well in the first two entries. Each spellcasting class (cleric, druid, magic-user) has five spellbooks, each with four spells, for a total of 20 spells per class. Each starts with a “starter book” and has to find the other four during dungeon explorations. However, some of the spells are level-dependent, so even if you find the book, you may have to wait for a higher character level before you can cast them. By the end of this session, my characters had, and could cast, every spell.

         I find the last spellbook that my cleric needs. Note that my druid has a group of offensive spells lined up.

       The spellcasting interface is a bit too annoying to open in combat, especially if the enemies are casting spells themselves. When a spell is cast, everything else freezes until it finishes, and it’s easy to get confused as to whether the game has registered your clicks on your own spells while you’re waiting for an enemy spell to complete. However, each character can prepare up to 5 spells ahead of time in the stone tablet and then launch them one-by-one as soon as they’re needed.

The unusual aspect to Crypt‘s magic is that the act of preparing a spell starts a “cool-down” period unique to that particular spell. I don’t know if the cool-down period is dependent on level–I haven’t been keeping track that carefully–but at Level 10, it seems to take between 2 and 2.5 minutes for just about every spell, no matter the class or level.

          The third spell in this book, which looks like random runes, is actually “Vorpal Air” in its cool-down phase.

        This approach to magic has a few consequences. The first is that in the heat of combat, you can’t cast the same spell multiple times–not unless you’ve had the foresight to prepare it multiple times, with the requisite breaks in between each one. The second is that there’s no downside to exhausting your spellbook. Since each spell is on a different timer, you gain nothing by holding anything in reserve. It’s not like Eye of the Beholder, where you have a limited number of spells per level, or Dungeon Master, where all spells draw from a limited mana pool. You don’t have to worry about any kind of trade-off between offensive and defensive spells because they use separate resources.

Obviously, if you insist on blasting every enemy with spells instead of using melee weapons, you’ll run into a situation where the spells don’t have time to regenerate before you meet the next enemy. But you also want to avoid the reverse scenario, where you waste a lot of time waltzing enemies to death instead of using your magical resources. At any given moment, some spells ought to be in the process of cooling down.

As to the spells themselves, they basically come in four categories:

           Offensive. These include the cleric’s “Poison Cloud,” “God’s Fury,” and “Vorpal Air”; the magic-user’s “Fireball,” “Death,” and “Lightning Field”; and the druid’s “Swarm,” “Blast of Cold,” and “Chant of Doom.” The druid’s fifth spellbook–the Book of Fire–is all offensive, with great names like “Stonefire,” “Firewind,” “Fire Vortex,” and “Fire Maelstrom.” These spells all do a variety of damage, but I’m not sure the type of damage really matters. If individual enemy types have resistances to some spell types, it’s not obvious during gameplay.

Defensive. There are only a few of these, including the druid’s “Protection” and “Shadow Shield” and the magic-user’s “Shield,” “Strength,” and “Ethereal Shield.” Except for “Strength,” which just adds 2 to a single party member’s strength, the others all improve armor class. The game could have benefited from more buffing options.

Healing. These are almost all in the cleric spellbook, and include three levels of regular healing plus spells that cure poison and disease and raise dead.

Exploration. These include the cleric’s “Reveal Truth,” “Create Food,” and “Sustenance”; the magic-user’s “Wizard Sight,” “Compass,” and “Detect Traps”; and the druid’s “Read Runes” and “Light.”

           A lot of the healing and exploration spells are duplicated with potions and scrolls early in the game. These become less important as you acquire the spells, but it’s still useful to have some backups in case, say, two characters are poisoned and you don’t want to wait for the cool-down period on “Cure Poison.” Also, some traps, glyphs, and magic fields only respond to very strong castings of these spells, and sometimes the scroll versions are higher than your character level.

I haven’t given enough attention to “Wizard’s Eye.” When active, it creates an automap of the dungeon. I didn’t think this was necessary because I was mapping it myself. I even tossed a magic ring that would have kept the spell going continually. Later on, I found that the magic-user’s seventh-level “Teleport” spell, which takes you anywhere on the current level, depends on the automap. This useful spell not only saves time but can be the only way out of some tight situations, such as when multiple enemies have you boxed in a corridor.

            I’ve been mostly ignoring the automap–to my peril.

           I’d also note that the cleric’s fourth-level “Sustenance” spell completely replaces the game’s food and drink system. Once you have it, you can ignore food and water completely (and you can already ignore food after the third-level “Create Food”). I hope that remains true throughout the game and the developers don’t introduce a large no-magic level that makes me sorry I haven’t been stockpiling meat.

            I bet you get this same message even if you solved the puzzle in seconds.

            When I last wrote, I was entering Level 10. It turned out to be a large level, occupying most of a 30 x 30 area. It was extremely heavy with switches, buttons, and teleporters, some causing effects in far-flung areas, and I had to make multiple laps around the level before I found everything I needed. Moving on to the next level required me to find three Idols of Temin and put them in three alcoves, only the idols could only be picked up by some special Gauntlets of Temin and only carried in a special coffer. 

            Apparently, a lot of adventurers died trying to get to that coffer.

          One-eyed spiders dogged me the entire level. They came in large and small versions, and the large ones dissolved into a group of smaller ones when they died. Both were capable of poisoning characters. The level’s final battle was with the dracolich pictured at the top of this entry; he was unleashed when I put the last Idol of Temin in place. The first time, he took us apart in about three seconds. The second time, I had 15 offensive spells ready to go. He died on the 13th.

          The larger variety of one-eyed spider.

          Overall, this level took about 3 hours by itself. It was then a relief to find that Levels 11 and 12 were both quite small. They were “reward levels,” with no monsters and plenty of food, water, and safe places to rest. They also delivered several tablets, some equipment upgrades, and the final spellbooks that I needed.

Level 13 came after another major loading transition. It made Level 10 look like nothing, occupying parts of almost all of its 40 x 40 space. The level didn’t have a single button or switch, but it did have a lot of teleportation plates.

The enemies went up a level in difficulty. It’s hard to even describe the first type, some kind of floating crustacean-like figure with claws and a bulbous head that looks like one of those novelty lightning balls we all had in the 1980s. They were capable of magic damage, plus a spell that freezes the party in place for a few turns. The second enemy was another small spider, but without the single eye of those on the previous level, capable of inflicting disease.

          These guys are trippy.

          With the crustaceans, I just learned to have a barrage of spells ready and blast them. They were too fast and deadly for the usual combat maneuvers. I did have one advantage against the spiders: for some reason, they were unable to pass through door frames. But they had a ton of hit points and took forever too kill. 

         They’d like to come through the door, but they heard about what adventurers do in Dungeon Master.

         What was more annoying than the difficulty these enemies posed was that I seemed to be incapable of killing all of them. They respawned constantly, sometimes right in front of me, and I could never fully clear the level. Wherever I was, I could hear some enemy in the distance somewhere.

After I finished mapping the level, and particularly after I played a bit more, it became clear that Level 13 is going to be a hub of sorts for the rest of the game. When I was done mapping, I had four locked doors, four pressure plates that teleported me to other levels, and four “Orbs of Planes.” You’ll recall that the game’s main quest is to find the four magical weapons that had been wielded by the champions from the four guilds of Astera, and that the Black Crypt is the tomb built for those heroes and their weapons. Level 13 is the actual tomb.

         Most of the large Level 13.

        Each teleportation plate brings the party to a new area where an Orb of Planes unlocks the way to a series of lower levels. Somewhere on those lower levels, the party has to fight one of Estoroth’s lieutenants, retrieve an “Octa Key,” and return to Level 13 to open one of the four crypts. 

Even though this session had already gone on for a while, I decided to try one of the teleporters. It took me down to Level 16. Levels 16, 17, 18, and 19 were basically an interconnected maze with multiple stairways and pits, all occupying 16 x 16 coordinates. When I first arrived in the area, a scroll suggested that the “ram demons” in the area feed of the energy of spells and that I should only use weapons to attack them. Because the ram demons are hard, it was lucky this turned out to be a false scroll.

           This was a lie when it came to the generic ram demons, anyway. The big boss was another story.

        The levels were swarming with these ram demons, plus a kind of fun, unique monster that we might call a “wall mimic.” It looks just like a regular wall except when attacking. You have to defeat it to move onward through the passage. Fortunately, wall mimics are stationary, so it’s easy to dart up, execute a few attacks, and dart away.

           The first time you encounter one of these is terrifying.

        Level 19 was an open level where I had to walk a particular path (stepping off of it meant being teleported back to the previous level), but a scroll gave me the instructions. This brought me down to Level 20, where I met a much more impressive ram demon, and this one, I’m convinced, actually does get stronger when you cast spells at it. I was unable to defeat it with spells, in any event. Fortunately, he was slow and I could mostly waltz him to death.

           Never have I been so grateful for a small strip of fabric.

       When I killed him, I was able to retrieve the Octa Key and then find a teleporter back to Level 13. The Octa Key opened the way to the tom of Krolic the Cleric, where I found his Doom Hammer. One down, four to go.

          Plundering Kaolic’s Tomb.

        Miscellaneous notes:

            There were a lot of traps on the level, and I didn’t find a spellbook with “Remove Trap” until the next 10. I had to keep walking into the traps and then resurrecting one or two characters, which is a pain because you have to pick up and equip all of their items again. 

The game takes multiple clicks and about 90 total seconds to save, and about the same to reload. That’s long enough to discourage save-scumming. 

I found a lot of tablets aspected to the various character classes. You use these tablets by clicking them on the class rune on the inventory screen. Sometimes they raise attributes and sometimes they turn into a useful object, but equally often they “refresh” the character (restore fatigue, hunger, and thirst bars) or heal the character. It would be useful to save those tablets for when you need them, but there’s no way to tell what a tablet is going to do.

The buttons got kind of ridiculous on some of the lower levels.

                       It’s not enough that I have to turn and face every wall, I have to really study them, too.

         My characters all started with shirts and pants. During the game, the only “upgrades” we’ve found are the same shirts and pants but with named colors, like yellow shirts and brown pants. I have no idea if these alternate clothing items offer anything.

In previous Dungeon Master-like games, if you were overwhelmed by difficult enemies, you could run to a safer part of the level and regroup. That’s not possible here. Once an enemy “acquires” you, it homes in on the party with 100% accuracy no matter how far you run. And enemies are just about as fast as the party itself. If you need to escape and catch your breath, the only option is to retreat to a higher level.

I now have so many gems from dead adventurers that they’re seriously clogging my inventory. I wouldn’t mind an explicit hint as to whether these are ever going to be useful.

I’ve given up trying to figure out how strong the various weapons are. I’ve just been assuming that whatever the latest one I find is, it must be stronger than the previous ones.

                At this point, I still have Levels 14-15 and 21-28 to map. I assume each of the remaining three lieutenants will occupy an average of three levels each, and then there will be some sort of final battle. When I began the game, I didn’t think we’d be encountering Estoroth Paingiver himself, just finding the weapons needed to defeat him, but since he’s been leaving notes all over the dungeon, I suspect he’s going to be the final boss.

          This turned out to be a “true” scroll, so I guess Estoroth Paingiver really does think we’re “brave.”

          This was a long session, but the last part–killing the ram demon and getting into Krolic’s tomb–was the shortest part of it. I’m hoping that the other three are equally fast. Maybe by the end of the next entry, I��ll have retrieved the artifacts of Runetek the Fighter, Dvergar the Magician, and Oakraven the Druid.

Time so far: 18 hours

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