#like in 2010s. seems very wrong and excuse me but. dated.

[annadelveys]

lol i just watched the wicked trailer. i thought we stopped painting black actresses weird colours already. like as a culture i thought like we stopped doing that because you know. its not like i great thing to do.

[hadescabin]

TW// GROOMING, MANIPULATION breaking down tigerheartstar and dovewing and why i think its awful ik I said that I dont really like warrior cats anymore but recently i've been thinking about some stuff regarding the series and its fandom and there's one thing that's been particularly bothering me. dovewing and tigerheart. it's just crazy to see the shift of support for tigerdove considering early 2010s warriors fandom seemed mixed on them. now there seems to be this equivocal support for them, probably because most of the fandom's exposure to the couple has been the recent books which frames them as man who loves his wife x burnt out prophecy kid who will do anything for her malewife. which theres nothing wrong with that dynamic, i think it's cute, but people really seem to forget about how tigerheart straight up groomed and treated dovewing awfully throughout oots and even in tigerheart's shadow. it seems to be a forgotten fact that tigerheart was a full grown warrior by the time he was pursuing dovepaw, who was a newly made apprentice. for perspective, this was a 6-7 moon teenager with someone almost the age of her mentor (a little younger). people try to use the excuse "oh but they're cats" and "the age gap isnt that bad" but even the recent books acknowledge with frostpaw and splashtail, that a warrior and apprentice dating is WEIRD. tbf oots was released in the early 2000s, but the fact that canonically speaking the age gap is seen as a teenager and adult relationship gives me the ick. it really puzzles me to see people get on ships like dustfern and bramblesquirrel (both of which i hate btw) for their age gaps but come up with every excuse in the books to defend tigerdove. its not even just the age gap too, again, their relationship has consisted of tigerheart manipulating and grooming dovepaw to do what he wants. in the first two books (esp the second book of oots) dovepaw is presented as someone who got attached to the cats from the journey and doesnt necessarily understand why they must act like they shouldnt exist anymore due to the borders. this is something that tigerheart LEARNS and actively takes advantage of when dovepaw questions why hes at their borders (tldr its dark forest stuff). he shifts the topic and then goes on about the journey and how he felt that they almost became friends, and that if they were in the same clan things would be easier. this may not seem like a big deal, but this goes on for the rest of their interactions whenever tiger needs to pressure her to do something she doesnt want (meeting up, trusting him, etc.) He realizes that the subject of different borders resonates with her and uses it to his advantage whenever he wants something out of her. This can especially be seen in the next book, “Night Whispers”, which kickstarted their relationship. Dovepaw accidentally ran into ShadowClan territory while hunting, and Tigerheart happens to find her there. Once again, he gives her a speech about borders being meaningless, before asking her to meet up with him before the ShadowClan patrol catches them. There’s also other examples in later books where he coerces her into meeting up or trusting him since “that’s what friends are for” or even later in that book, where he manipulates her into using Ivypaw as a captive for herbs. 

When you take this into account, plus him as a full grown warrior, starting a romantic relationship with a barely apprenticed Dovepaw who is shown as having a childish/ immature perception on romance/mates (such as her argument with Ivypaw and claiming that she should “find her own mate”), Tigerdove feels very much like grooming to me. According to the dictionary definition grooming is, “the action of attempting to form a relationship with a child or young person, with the intention of sexually assaulting them”. Of course, in this case, since it’s a young adult book, it’s to form a romantic relationship, which could also be another goal of grooming. Groomers tend to display manipulative behaviors towards the victims in order to coerce them into trusting them more. Whether that be through compliments, gifts, trying to resonate with them or make them feel special. They tend to try to get them to keep and “share” secrets, which is another tactic they utilize both to isolate the victim and to get them to feel more comfortable. 

A lot of behaviors that Tigerheart displays towards Dovepaw falls under this, including the examples I mentioned. There are a couple of other comments that he makes which come off as creepy such as Dovepaw “being his favorite sister”, which as I established, is something a groomer would say in order to make the victim feel as though they’re special and garner their trust. Which is especially the case when you note that he makes that comment in reference to Dovepaw asking about his ties to Ivypaw, which he actively lies about, and quickly reassures her that there’s nothing going on. 

This tactic of manipulation, where he either makes her feel special, or even love bombs and dissuade her from standing up for herself, doesn’t stop when she’s an apprentice. It continues when she’s a warrior, and is constantly used throughout OOTS and “Tigerheart’s Shadow”. At one point in the series, Dovewing and Tigerheart get into an argument about Dawnpelt wrongfully accusing Jayfeather of murder. When Tigerheart defends his sister, Dovewing stands up for Jayfeather, which prompts Tigerheart to try and manipulate her out of the conversation. He jumps straight to talking about how much he loved and missed her, and guilts her by asking why they had to argue like this, and why they couldn’t just “meet like before”. As for Tigerheart's Shadow, he actively goes against what she wants (to raise her kits outside the clan) and actively pressures and guilts her into coming back, before she finally relents. He doesn't care about what SHE wants, it's always about him. Whether it be secretly meeting up, or in The Last Hope, he tries to pressure her to date him again (which she FINALLY refuses and scolds him for thinking about his own needs when they're right before a final battle. as she should). It's especially upsetting in the newest book that tigerheart seems to be the only think at the center of her character. when she argues with ivypool, it's less about the two sister's interpersonal conflicts and more about her and tigerheart's relationship. which...feels like a lot of missed potential to me? i want them to argue, i want dovewing to stand up to herself against ivypool, but why does the entire conflict have to revolve around him? why can't dovewing have her own thoughts and feelings without it tying back to her awful husband?

[theladyofdeath]

Life As We Know It {Prologue}

Summary: After the sudden deaths of Nesta’s sister and Cassian’s best friend, they gain guardianship of their nephew, Nyx.

Based on Life As We Know It (2010) and a prompt sent in by anonymous for our Nessian fanfic contest. This is a modern au.

Instead of doing a tag list for this story, we have decided to have a set schedule. Chapters will be posted weekly on Mondays and Thursdays. Chapters will be posted on both Shelby and I’s blogs! >> @snelbz​

We hope you all enjoy. :)

Cassian knew very little about Nesta Archeron, but he knew one thing for certain: she was hot as hell.

He had sworn he’d never go on another blind date, but Rhysand had begged, over and over again, for him to go out with the eldest sister of his girlfriend. So, to shut his brother up, Cassian agreed.

Reluctantly, but nonetheless. 

He took a quick shower where he bathed himself in a new bottle of body wash before stepping out and towel-drying his hair. Considering Nesta was Feyre’s sister, he felt the need to make a good first impression, although he wasn’t sure what a good impression was to Nesta Archeron.

He was hoping he was sufficient enough.

He dressed in his usual attire of jeans and old boots, but decided to wear a button up for once, rather than one of his go-to t-shirts. Still, he pulled on his leather jacket and grabbed his keys before hurrying out the door.

He typed the address Rhys had texted him into his gps, seeing the drive was going to take him nearly twenty minutes longer than he’d anticipated, thanks to an accident on the interstate.

He swore under his breath, throwing his truck into motion. He hurried across town and parked in front of Nesta’s townhouse, fifteen minutes later than he was supposed to. Flipping down his sun visor, Cassian ran a quick hand through his loose hair and was heading up to the front door, knocking twice.

Or he would have, if the door wasn’t pulled open the second his fist made contact with it.

Suddenly, in his jeans and leather jacket, he felt extremely underdressed.

Nesta Archeron wore a beautifully fitted dark blue dress that fell only a couple inches above her knees. She wore heels, and her hair was curled. A silver clutch was gripped tightly in her hand.

She eyed Cassian, from the top of his head to his toes. For once, even though he was half a foot taller than she, even in heels, Cassian felt smaller than shit.

“Hey,” he said, at last, once the silence became unbearably awkward.

“You’re Cassian?” she asked. 

“Were you expecting someone else?” he shot back.

Nesta’s lips thinned. “You’re late,” she said, instead. 

“At least I came,” he grinned. “Hungry?”

Nesta took a deep breath as she lifted her chin. “I suppose so.”

“Good,” he said, gesturing toward his running truck. “Let’s go. I made reservations.”

She locked her door and followed him down the sidewalk. “Are we going to be late for those, too?”

Cassian elected not to answer her, pausing at the passenger door and opening it for her. He let out a sigh as he rounded the truck to his own seat.

Something told him this was going to be a long night.

He was absolutely right.

Not a single word was said on the way to the restaurant across town, and, by some grace of the Cauldron, they made it on time for their reservations.

They were set at a table by the entrance quickly, and once their server arrived, Nesta ordered a glass of wine, while Cassian stuck with his usual beer.

“So,” Cassian began, clearing his throat as they waited for their drinks to arrive. “What should I know about you, Nesta?”

“That’s it?” she asked, brow raised. “That’s the question you’ll begin with?”

Cassian’s head fell to the side. “What question should I have gone with?”

Nesta took a moment to look around the bustling restaurant. “Well, you’ve yet to tell me how beautiful I look, or ask me how I’m doing tonight.”

Cassian couldn’t help but chuckle. “Fine. You look nice. How are you?”

Nesta snorted. “Well, I waited twenty minutes for my date, thinking he wasn’t coming. Other than that, fine, I guess.” 

“You don’t do this often, do you?” Cassian asked. There was nothing accusatory in his tone, just simple curiosity.

“Do what?” Nesta asked, the words nearly clipped.

“Date,” Cassian replied, simply. “Go out with someone for the first time.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “No. I don’t particularly have a lot of free time to waste.”

Cassian’s eyebrows rose at her choice of words. “You don’t have to be here, you know?”

The server quietly returned to the table, setting their drinks down, before hurrying away, sensing the tension between the two. Nesta’s eyes didn’t leave him the whole time. She picked up her wine glass, taking a long drink, before she asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you clearly would rather be anywhere but here,” Cassian replied, leaning back in his seat. “I’d hate to waste your time.”

She was about to reply when a voice came from their left.

“Cassian?”

He looked over his shoulder to find an old friend - a term that he used very, very loosely. 

Tanwyn and he had a very complicated relationship. They were friends - at least, they had been at one time. It had all become very complicated the first time he had invited her into his bed.

And the second time.

And the third.

And every time after that.

He smiled at her, almost hesitantly. “Hey, Tan. What are you doing here?”

“Here with some friends,” she grinned, approaching their table. “And you?”

“Here with…” Cassian’s voice trailed off as he looked across the table. “This is Nesta Archeron. Nesta, this is Tanwyn-.”

“Nice to meet you,” Nesta said, words clipped. “If you’ll excuse us, we’re on a date.”

She blinked, taken aback at Nesta’s cold greeting. “Right… Sorry to interrupt. I’ll see you later, Cass.” She nodded to Nesta. “Nice to meet you.”

She was gone before Cassian could say another word, and he looked at Nesta incredulously.

She raised her glass before putting it to her lips. “So when is the last time you slept with her?”

Cassian was stunned, shaking his head. “She’s a friend, there was no reason to be rude.”

“My question still stands.” Nesta folded her hands on the table, her eyes on Cassian’s.

“How do you even know-? What are you, a psychologist?”

“No, I’m a chef,” she said, glaring at him. “But you show everything on that pretty little face of yours. It was easy to read.”

He closed his eyes, dragging a hand down his face. “We just need to…start over. This is all going wrong.”

Nesta stayed quiet before finally nodding. “Fine.”

The server picked that time to return, the two of them ordering their food, and the awkward first date conversation began again.

“I have to be honest,” Cassian began. “I’m not sure where to even begin.”

“Your name would be fine,” Nesta said, sipping from her glass.

Cassian watched her for a moment to make sure she was serious before saying, “Cassian Nazari. Childhood friend of Rhys’.”

“And your occupation?” she asked, in all seriousness. 

“I’m a bartender,” Cassian said.

Nesta stared at him for a moment before asking, “Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously, and before you make any judgements, bartenders make damn good money,” Cassian said.

“Interesting,” Nesta said, watching him intently. 

“Right,” Cassian muttered. “Now, will you give me some insight into you or should I beg?”

Nesta rolled her eyes before saying, “I’m Nesta. And, yes, lie I said, I’m a chef. I’ve got a little restaurant in the Square”

“That sounds…interesting,” he said, repeating her words. “And your Feyre’s sister?”

“I am,” she said, pausing as the server brought out salads and she began to eat hers, without any dressing.

Cassian, on the other hand, nearly drowned his in ranch dressing. He watched as she ate her plain lettuce. “That looks…boring.”

“Salad dressing is fattening. It negates all of the goodness of the salad.” She took another bite, chewing and looking at him, then his salad swimming in ranch. “You look like you take care of yourself, I’m surprised you don’t watch what you eat as well.”

He scoffed. “I work out, but I’m not going to be miserable and eat rabbit food.” He gestured to the bowl in front of her.

She rolled her eyes, but continued to eat her rabbit food.

Silence grew between them but neither of them attempted to break it. It wasn’t until their main courses arrived that Cassian nodded toward the cursive ink on the inside of her wrist. 

“You have a tattoo,” he said.

She eyed the ink that swirled around his arms, up beneath his rolled up sleeves. “I have a few,” she confessed. 

“What are they?” he asked, starting to cut up his steak.

She took a bite of her salmon, chewing it slowly before deflecting his question with one of her own, “What are yours?”

Cassian glanced down at the swirls and marks of black ink that covered his forearms. “They’re Illyrian tribal marks. They all mean something different, but I would be lying if I told you I knew what every one of them meant.” 

Nesta snorted. “Then why have them?”

Cassian met her eyes. “My mother was Illyrian. I grew up in Illyria, with her tribe.” 

It seems the answer nearly took her back, but she ended up nodding, curtly. “How is your steak?”

“Too done,” he said, shrugging as he took a bite. “I like my meat red.” Her nose crinkled slightly. He asked, “What?”

Nesta shrugged. “I don’t eat meat.”

He blinked and watched as she took another bite of salmon. “You’re…eating fish.”

An eye roll was her reply. “I don’t eat red meat,” she clarified.

“So you’re a vegetarian?” He asked.

“No, I just don’t like to eat red meat. Chicken, pork, fish,” she gestured to her plate. “I like that. But I just prefer not to eat red meat.”

“Hmm.” It was more of a non-answer than anything, but before she could say anything, a man appeared, standing next to their table. Cassian glanced up at him. “Can we help you?”

He wasn’t looking at him though. He was looking at Nesta, who was pointedly not looking at him.

“What are you doing, Nes?”

She took a drink of her wine, draining the glass. “This doesn’t concern you, Tom.”

“Bullshit,” he spat. “We take a break and less than a month later, you’re on a date?”

She finally looked at him. “We’re not on a break, I broke up with you.”

Cassian cleared his throat. “Is this where all exes gather?” He looked around again to see if he saw Tanwyn, but she was gone.

“Leave,” Nesta said, plainly. “I can’t enjoy my dinner with you standing over me like the controlling bastard you were in our relationship.”

Cassian’s lips nearly fell open.

The woman had balls.

He respected that.

“I hate to break up this little reunion, but this is awkward as hell,” Cassian muttered, popping a spoonful of garlic mashed potatoes into his mouth. 

“This doesn’t concern you,” Tomas said, looking to Cassian, using Nesta’s own words.

Cassian chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll give you two choices here, Tom. Either I call someone to take your ass away from our table or I make you leave, myself.”

“Tough guy, huh?” Tomas asked, putting a hand on Nesta’s shoulder.

Nesta brushed his hand off the second it made contact with her skin. “This is ridiculous. I’m calling over the server. We’re leaving.”

Cassian was inclined to agree. This date had been a catastrophe so far, but he was hopeful that maybe if she invited him in, he could salvage it.

Tomas seemed to take the hint, looking back to Nesta. “I’ll call you tomorrow. We’ll talk about this entire situation then.”

She flagged down the server, but said to Tomas, “Don’t waste your time or mine.”

He walked away, muttering something under his breath, but the server returned and after a quick explanation from Nesta, she was off to get their check.

“Well, that was awkward,” Cassian said, clearing his throat, taking a drink of his beer, planning to finish it off.

“No more awkward than running into your fuck buddy,” she replied, pulling her lipstick out of her purse to re-apply it.

Cassian managed to swallow the mouthful of beer before he spewed it all over her. He coughed quietly. “You don’t tiptoe around anything, do you?”

Her answer was curt. “No.”

The server returned, standing the check book on the edge of the table, and Cassian elected to let the conversation drop at that. He reached into his back pocket to grab his wallet.

And froze.

It wasn’t there.

He checked every other pocket he had on him.

Nothing.

“Fuck,” he breathed, patting himself down.

Nesta arched a brow. “Issues?”

“I have to run out to the truck,” Cassian said, quietly. “I can’t seem to find my wallet.”

Nesta froze from where she sat behind her half-eaten salmon. “You forgot your wallet?”

“It’s probably in the truck-.”

“I didn’t see it in the truck-.”

“Then the glove box, maybe,” Cassian snapped. “Just, give me a minute.”

“Don’t bother,” Nesta bit, reaching across the table to grab the check.

Cassian got to it first and held it outside of her reach. “I can pay for it. I took you out, I’m paying.”

Nesta scoffed. “Spare me your holier than thou male bravado.” 

Cassian stood. “I just need to run out to my truck.”

She was on her feet, snatching the check book from him and looking at the total. Without another word, she reached into purse and laid down a series of bills, before closing it and heading for the door.

Sighing, Cassian followed her, his cheeks heating. Never had he let a woman pay for his dinner, and he’d sure as hell never let her pay for the first date.

He didn’t say a word as he unlocked her door, opening it, and closing it after she’d climbed in. He rounded to his own door, immediately looking around the cab for his wallet. It was nowhere to be seen. He reached across, opening the glovebox, pulling a few things out.

His wallet wasn’t one of them, but Nesta didn’t fail to notice the gold foil wrappers. And how many he had. She scoffed, buckling her seatbelt and looking out the window.

“I’ll pay you back,” he said, after he’d started the truck and had pulled onto the main road.

“No need,” she snapped, staring out the passenger side window. “Dropping me off and leaving me the hell alone will do.”

The words were barely audible. She spoke the words under her breath. And yet, Cassian felt them like a slap in the face. 

He was mortified.

He was at a loss for words.

He just wanted to go home.

He also wanted to make a move on Nesta Archeron.

There was something about the head-strong, independent woman that made Cassian swoon.

Not that it stopped the car ride back to her home any less silent and awkward.

“You’re Feyre’s sister,” Cassian said, randomly.

Nesta blinked, looking toward him. “Yeah. Is there something wrong with that?”

“No,” Cassian said quickly. “It’s just that, you’re so…” Different. Cruel. Different. Opposite. Different. Vindictive. Different. “Not the same,” Cassian finished, at last.

“I am my own person,” she snapped, as he stopped in front of her townhouse.

“I know you are, just-.” He sighed, turning to look at her. “This has been a mess from the start. Can I come in? I’d like some time for us to talk, just the two of us. No ex’s, no servers, no interruptions. I just want to get to know you.”

She laughed once.

The sound infuriated him.

“You mean you want to fuck me,” she said, unbuckling her seatbelt. He was, once again, caught off guard by how blunt she was. She pulled open his glovebox and removed the strip of condoms, holding them up. “Forgot your wallet, but made sure you didn’t forget these.”

Cassian slowly looked at her. “That’s not fair.”

“Not fair?” she repeated. “What are you, a child?”

Cassian couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve tried to be the perfect gentleman tonight, alright? Yeah, I forgot my wallet, but-.”

“And we also ran into your fuck buddy, don’t forget about that,” Nesta said, with a vindictive grin. She opened the door, grabbed her purse, and hopped out.

Cassian was close behind her, following her up her walkway. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Nesta spun around. “What the hell is wrong with me?” she laughed, humorlessly. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” Cassian asked, as she approached her front door.

“Yet you’re still following me to my door,” she said, not looking back at him. She unlocked the door, opening it and stepping inside. Turning back to him, she held the door in one hand, the hand holding her purse propped on her hip. “Thank you for a truly unforgettable evening, Cassian, but I don’t think this is going to work out.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, letting his gaze slowly drag from her head to her toes and back up again. He watched as her cheeks heated, anger lighting up her eyes. “Yeah, I think you’re right. You’re too stuck up for your own good. Too bad.”

She groaned before slamming the door in his face, praying she’d never have to see Cassian Nazari again.

[snelbz]

Life As We Know It {Chapter One}

Summary: After the sudden deaths of Nesta’s sister and Cassian’s best friend, they gain guardianship of their nephew, Nyx.

Based on Life As We Know It (2010) and a prompt sent in by anonymous for our Nessian fanfic contest. This is a modern au.

Instead of doing a tag list for this story, we have decided to have a set posting schedule. Chapters will be posted weekly on Mondays and Thursdays. Chapters will be posted on both my and Tara's blogs! >> @tacmc.

Life As We Know It Masterlist

Shelby's Masterlist

Tara's Masterlist

5 years later….

Nyx looked at his birthday cake and the lone candle that was lit atop the icing before looking up at Feyre with a confused expression on his beautiful, little face.

His mother laughed, quietly, before leaning forward and taking out the candle. She had just blown out the flame when Rhys barely pushed the cake closer to Nyx, who put his chubby, little hands smack-dab in the middle of the icing and dug in.

Everyone had come to celebrate, and even Nesta couldn’t stop her smile from showing. At least, she let it show when she was on the opposite end of the house from the one and only, and massively self-centered, Cassian Nazari.

Of course, he would be at Nyx’s first birthday party. He was Nyx’s uncle - maybe not by blood, not that blood mattered when it came to Cassian, Rhysand, and their other lifelong friend, Azriel.

He, too, stood across the kitchen, watching as Elain snapped picture after picture of the jubilant baby, the mess atop his high chair the largest Nesta had ever seen. She knew Elain was taking notes for their own daughter’s birthday party, though she was barely three months old.

Rhysand’s smile was as big as Feyre’s as they watched their son, listening as his giggles filled the kitchen. Nyx realized quickly that the cake was for him alone and after smashing it for a few moments, he lifted a large handful to his chubby face and took a bite. His eyes lit up and that started the giggling anew.

Nesta loved her nephew and niece, had loved him since the day they were born, but she didn’t envy her sisters and their happy families. Unlike them, she had remained perfectly content on her own, especially after the endless string of disaster dates she had been forced to sit through throughout the years.

And children? It wasn’t that Nesta disliked kids. Not all kids, at least. She loved her nephew and niece, anyway. Having one of her own, though? Having to be around one every day? Every night? Having to constantly try and make a tiny person content?

No, thank you. That was a challenge she had little interest in.

A deep rumbling laugh came from across the house and Nesta looked up to find Cassian entering the kitchen, still chuckling at something Mor had said.

As hard as she tried, she couldn’t keep her lip from curling slightly as she looked at him. It only infuriated her more when he caught sight of her as he raised his beer to his lips and winked.

He was absolutely insufferable.

After their catastrophe of a date years ago, which Nesta had made Feyre promise was a stunt she’d never pull again, she had only been forced to be around Cassian Nazari a handful of times.

One of which was during Feyre and Rhysand’s wedding, only months after their date.

“You only have to walk with him for thirty seconds,” Feyre had sighed, while Mor continued to pin and curl her hair into place. “You don’t have to be happy about it.”

“Good,” Nesta said, draining the glass of champagne in her hand. “Because I’m not.”

As Feyre’s maid-of-honor, it was customary that she was supposed to walk out of the wedding arm in arm with Rhysand’s best man. She wished that he’d picked Azriel, but since it seemed the Cauldron hated her, it had to be Cassian.

Elain, who was harboring the world’s most obvious crush on Azriel at the time, was thrilled with how they’d be exiting the wedding. Nevertheless, she said to Nesta, “I think you two got off on the wrong foot. He’s a really good guy, Nes.”

Nesta shot her youngest sister a look of pure annoyance through the mirror’s reflection. “Have any of you ever been on a date with the guy? And not only a date, but the worst date of your life?”

Feyre snorted, fully aware of where this conversation was headed. “No.”

“Then you have no room to talk,” Nesta snapped, admiring herself in the mirror. “Mother’s tits, Feyre, he wore jeans to the nicest restaurant in Velaris!”

“At least he didn’t wear his boots,” Mor muttered, then she caught Nesta’s glare in the mirror. “Really? He wore his boots?”

“He was dressed for an all-night, summer bonfire,” Nesta said, shaking her head. “And he’s completely full of himself. And, he forgot his wallet!”

“Not like you can’t afford dinner,” Feyre said, and Nesta’s lips snapped shut. She was fully aware that the conversation had somehow become a let’s-pick-on-Nesta session.

Feyre added, “You have to walk back down the aisle with him, share an entire table during dinner, and that’s it. No one is asking you to dance with him, but be nice.” Nesta met Feyre’s eyes, her jaw set. Feyre sighed, “Fine, be civil.”

She scoffed, but nodded. “Fine.”

The ceremony itself went off without a hitch. It was beautiful and elegant and the perfect wedding Rhys and Feyre had always wanted.

She ignored Cassian’s unending looks the whole night, managed to give her maid-of-honor speech without snarling at him, and after that, took advantage of the open bar her sister and new brother had so kindly provided.

She was coming out of the bathroom, a glass of wine still clutched in her hand, doing her best not to trip over her own feet when she walked into a wall.

A wall of solid muscle that turned out to be Cassian’s back.

When he turned around and she looked up at him, his eyes were nearly as glazed as hers.

“Hello, Nes,” he said, smirking down at her.

She bit out, “Don’t call me that.”

“That was a pretty, little speech you gave,” he said, leaning against the wall. “I know true love exists cause I’ve seen it first hand. Poetic.”

Nesta scoffed, brushing off the skirt of her dress as if he had tainted it. “Don’t flatter yourself. I wasn’t referring to you. I was talking about Feyre and Rhys, in case you thought otherwise.”

“Oh, I didn’t,” he promised. “Honestly, I didn’t think you were talking about anyone. Just some fluffy shit that sounded sweet. Unless it’s that guy that showed up at the restaurant and ruined our date. Oh, wait,” he began, tapping his chin as if in deep thought, “You dumped him though, right? Poor bastard.”

“You’re a prick,” Nesta bit out. She refrained from saying that Tomas hadn’t ruined their date. It was sad that seeing her ex was one the bright points of her night, rather than seeing the Greek god standing before her. The pretentious, cocky asshole of a Greek god.

He only grinned. “But am I a liar?”

Nesta’s jaw locked. She eyed his tux. “I’m just glad you decided to clean up for your own brother’s wedding. No jeans?”

He scoffed. “Is that the worst you’ve got?”

“Do you prefer me to give you my worst?” she asked, brows furrowing. “If so, you may want to be careful what you wish for.”

Cassian said nothing, just lifted the beer she hadn’t noticed in his hands to his lips.

Nesta rolled her eyes, brushing past him, and made a move to head back into the reception.

His voice called out behind her, “You don’t have to be such a miserable bitch, you know?”

She froze, looking back at him. He was no longer smirking at her. Instead, his eyes were intense. “Excuse you?”

“You’re so miserable that you won’t allow anyone else to have any fun, won’t allow yourself to either,” he said, still leaning against that damn wall. He crossed his arms over his muscular chest, his dress shirt tight and loose in all the right places. “You want everyone else to suffer, just because you’re forcing yourself to, for whatever reason.”

“You don’t know a damn thing about me,” she bit out, stalking back over to him. She was so close she had to look up into his face.

“I don’t,” he said, words clipped. “I tried, but you didn’t seem very inclined to let me get to know you during our date. You were more concerned with my attire and your ex than you were with me. You thought all I wanted to do was fuck you.” His eyes, still glassy and glazed, dragged down her body and back up again. “Besides, you’ve got that damn stick shoved so far up your ass, there wouldn’t have been room for my cock even if I’d really even tried.”

A blink was Nesta’s only reaction. Then her hand was moving of its own accord, splashing her full glass of wine directly in his face and all over that pretty, white shirt.

“Go fuck yourself,” was all she’d said before she walked back into the ceremony, leaving him there to drip on the venue’s fancy carpet.

“Nesta!”

She blinked, Feyre’s voice drawing Nesta out of her memories, looking over at her sister. She stood next to Rhys and Elain, who had her camera in her hands, and Cassian stood behind Nyx’s high chair.

“I want a picture of him with his godparents, come here,” she beamed and Nesta tried not to cringe.

She had been so proud, her heart feeling like it would burst when Feyre and Rhys had asked her to be Nyx’s godmother. There was no hesitation when she said yes, tears lining her eyes as she’d hugged both her sister and brother-in-law.

She tried not to think about the fact that when they’d told her Cassian was his godfather, she nearly asked them to give the distinction to Elain.

But she hadn’t, wouldn’t. Despite what others, especially Cassian, thought of her… Nesta loved her nephew.

She loved her family.

With a sigh, Nesta meandered over to Nyx’s high chair. “Alright.”

“Closer,” Feyre ordered, gesturing Nesta to move in closer beside Cassian behind the high chair.

Nesta’s lips pursed but she took another step toward the boys for her sister’s sake.

“I’m not poisonous, Nesta,” Cassian muttered, smiling at the camera as he spoke. “You won’t burst into flames if we brush arms.”

“You’d be so lucky to brush arms with me,” she muttered back, hoping the smile she was giving her sister was convincing - and knowing full well that it wasn’t.

Without another word, Cassian tossed his arm around Nesta and said, “Cheeeeese!”

Nyx was giggling, looking up at his godparents behind him. There was so much joy and adoration in those big, beautiful eyes that Nesta didn’t have the heart to storm off, leaving Cassian in her dust, no matter how much she wanted to.

The camera’s flash went off and Nesta pushed Cassian’s arm off her shoulder.

The rest of the party was perfect. Feyre took Nyx up to the bathroom to clean him off, while Rhysand, Azriel, and Cassian hauled his many gifts out into the living room. Feyre opened them one by one, despite everyone knowing Nyx had no clue what was going on, though he did clap his chubby little hands and giggle at a few particular items. Nesta stood off to the side with Elain, holding a milk-drunk, sleepy Seph in her arms.

Azriel and Elain’s little girl had been a surprise, neither of them planning on Elain getting pregnant so soon after they got married. They both fell into the role of parents so seamlessly though, that Nesta knew another baby would be in their near future. They adored the baby girl, and she was the most perfect baby Nesta had ever seen.

Persephone hardly cried, only doing so when she was hungry or needed to be changed, and once whatever wrong was taken care of, she became a happy, smiley baby again.

Nyx, on the other hand, had been a hellion as a baby.

Which was to be expected, considering who his father was. Although responsible when necessary, Rhysand was just as much of a madman as Cassian...especially when infused with alcohol.

“You look good with a baby,” Elain crooned from beside her sister.

Nesta rolled her eyes. “You can keep trying to push me down the marriage-baby road, but I just won’t take it. Wasting your time.”

Elain sighed, dramatically, with that little grin remaining on her soft pink lips. “As long as you stay such a good auntie, I suppose I can’t complain.”

Nesta looked down at the sweet, sleeping infant in her arms. She didn’t mind those little snuggles.

She did mind the diaper blowouts, constant spit-ups, and loud crying, though. That’s usually when she gave Seph back to her parents and blissfully enjoyed her independent life.

Feyre gasped and Nesta looked up. She was holding a little guitar that had Nyx’s name and the night sky engraved into the dark-stained wood.

Nesta’s eyes snapped to Cassian.

Cassian smiled, fondly, at Feyre. “I know he won’t be able to start messing with it for another few years, but I couldn't help myself.”

“He made that himself, you know.” Nesta’s eyes shot to Elain, who was watching the scene before them. She whispered again, “He doesn’t do it for a living, of course, but it’s a hobby of his, making guitars. He’s really good.”

She blinked, the information catching her off guard for whatever reason. But all she said was, “That’s nice.”

She spent the rest of the afternoon, ignoring the man as much as she could, as she always did. But as the guests began to dwindle, as Nyx and Seph went down for their naps, the three sisters gathered in the living room, while Rhys, Azriel, and Cassian went out back to inspect the small jungle gym Rhys was building for Nyx. Again, he was too young to use most of it, but the tiny swing and slide would be hours of fun for the little man.

Feyre brought two cups of coffee out to her sisters before collapsing next to Elain on the couch. “That could not have gone better if we tried.”

Nesta leveled her a look and raised an eyebrow.. “If we tried? You had a minute-by-minute itinerary for a one-year-old’s birthday.”

“Everything was perfect,” Elain smiled, cutting off Nesta, blowing on her coffee gently. “Nyx had a good time, neither he nor Seph had a blow-up, Cassian and Nesta managed to be in the same room without stabbing each other. All in all, a good day.”

Nesta rolled her eyes before throwing a vulgar gesture towards her sisters, who were both laughing.

“Fine, new subject,” Feyre grinned. “Oh! Before I forget, Rhys and I are going out of town for our anniversary in a few weeks. I was hoping you could watch Nyx for a few days.”

It took Nesta a moment to realize that Feyre was talking to her. She froze, having been blowing on her own hot coffee. “I’m sorry, what?”

Feyre laughed, quietly. “I was hoping that you could watch Nyx while Rhys and I go away for a long weekend. We’re going to the mountains for our anniversary. To his family’s cabin.”

“Oh, that sounds nice,” Elain said, looking at Nesta.

Who blinked, having only unfrozen to set her coffee down on the table between them. “You want me…to watch Nyx…for the weekend? Alone? By myself? Just me and him?”

“That’s what I was hoping for, yeah,” Feyre said, nodding as she sipped from her cup. “You can come here, where all of his stuff is in one place, and make yourself at home.” She shrugged. “I’ll leave money for takeout and the key to the wine cabinet.”

Nesta hesitated. “I’ve only babysat Nyx a couple of times…all for, like, an hour each.”

“It will be fine,” she said, a genuine smile on her face. “It will only be three nights, really. We’ll leave after work on Thursday and be home Sunday evening.”

Nesta stammered and shook her head. “I have to work on Friday, the restaurant-.”

“I’ll keep him during the day on Friday,” Elain offered. “I don’t have any shoots that day, so he can spend the day with me and Seph.”

“You could keep him the whole weekend,” Nesta tried, looking at her younger sister hopefully.

“Seph is enough of a handful,” she chuckled, glancing at Feyre, who was nodding as well. “I don’t think I can handle two at once for an entire weekend.”

“Please, Nes,” Feyre said, drawing her eldest sister’s eyes to her. “I know you can do it and it would be nice for you to spend some time together, just you two.”

“And you can call me, if you need anything,” Elain added.

Nesta looked from Feyre to Elain. “You two already planned this.” They at least had the wherewithal to look guilty. She sighed, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “Fine. But I’ll probably end up calling both of you every thirty seconds.”

“I can work with that,” Feyre said, just as Elain said, “Then it’s settled!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nesta snorted, shaking her head. “But, I hope you know that I wouldn’t do this for anybody else.”

“Oh, I know,” Feyre grinned, “which is what makes you such a wonderful, wonderful big sister.”

“I am pretty damn wonderful,” Nesta agreed, grinning as she sipped from her mug.

As she drank, she peeked out the window, where the boys were putting together the playset. Once she did, only one thing caught her eye.

Cassian was already watching her.

And when he caught her gaze, that stupid little, cocky-ass grin appeared.

She hated that grin, hated it with every ounce of her being.

And she wouldn’t feel bad for it, no matter how much her sisters adored the guy.

She hated him, hated Cassian Nazari.

And she always would.

[stitchandani]

Why didn’t Lilo show up to meet Stitch like they promised in 2019. Or at least tell him she couldn’t make it? I know the anime explained it, but from what I hear, it’s a pretty flimsy excuse.

Doverstar Excellent point. This is the big question, isn't it? She did show up, she was just too late. Lots of details under the cut! READ IT IF YOU WANT THE MAIN EXPLANATION, EVERYONE. I don't wanna repeat it a lot (but I will)!

When Lilo graduated college, she had about a day in between the ceremony and her flight back to Kauai to pack up, say goodbye to her schoolmates, and get on that plane. She went home to Kauai to be with her very pregnant sister Nani and brother-in-law, David, and to begin a brief, long-distance relationship with her fiancé, Zeke Lau.

Stitch was slated to return to Kauai in the evening a week after Lilo graduated and came home. He was coming back from his year-long missions in space given to him by the Galactic Alliance. Lilo was on Kauai before Stitch that day, but something happened to prevent her from meeting him until much, much later that night:

Nani went into labor that morning and had the baby (her son, Kai), but it was a hard birth. For one thing, Kai was premature, and for another, Nani had to have a C-section, which is pretty rough on a person. (Don't worry, no gory birthing details would ever be shown in the storyline or artwork! These are just details you'd need now.) The point is, the situation was so fragile, Lilo couldn't get away for ages. She opted to be with Nani during that evening, and knew she'd be late. She tried to get a message to Stitch (and to Pleakley, who was off-planet for a research trip). She didn't reach either of them (by this time Pleakley's ship had crashed on an asteroid belt, so he had no contact with anyone). Stitch didn't have a communicator on him; he had no idea that Nani had gone into labor that day. The last time he'd spoken to the family (the last time he'd had intergalactic service to reach Earth out in space) had been a week earlier. That evening, he had come right off the B.R.B 9,000 with Gantu and Reuben, having used teleportation devices to appear in Jumba and Pleakley's Bed-and-Not-Breakfast (their big red ship behind the house), because that was the quickest way to the beach where he was supposed to meet Lilo. Without pausing to say hello to Page, Gunner, or even Angel in the ship, he headed straight for the rendezvous point. Meanwhile, Lilo was stuck in the hospital further up inland on the island, trying simultaneously to reach Stitch and to find out where the doctors were taking baby Kai next for Nani. It was a super stressful day, to say the least, for all involved. I agree that the anime didn't provide a sufficient explanation for their split, other than the lines "Just because [Lilo] has [a] new boyfriend now and is all washed up with 626...." and "The Little Monster was given a mission by the Galactic Alliance" and "My sister Nani was having a baby and I couldn't get away". That and some flashback scenes in Season 3 Episode 23 were all we got, and it seems so lame and out-of-character that Lilo never called Stitch to tell him it was a misunderstanding, and that Stitch didn't wait as long as was necessary to see her again like they promised. That's why I made Stitch and Ani in 2010. I wanted all those hints we got in the anime to come together and make sense. I mean, why would Stitch not wait? Why did he give up? Why couldn't Lilo reach him? What would make them stop trying and split like that? The answer lies in 2 things: Lilo getting older, and Zeke Lau. I thought, there had to be some reason why Stitch would just leave like that when she didn't show up. There had to be more to the story. So I created more. Lilo and Stitch had been emotionally drifting apart ever since Lilo left for college. Stitch couldn't come with her, and though they called each other and stayed in touch, the addition of Lilo beginning a serious relationship with my character, Zeke, in college (hey, her daughter in the anime had to come from somewhere!) put a strain on their friendship. Stitch has always been the type of character to get bent out of shape when he feels that Lilo is forgetting him in favor of someone or something else. He gets angry, jealous, naughty, frustrated, very insecure. And Lilo has always been the type of character to prioritize other things over Stitch for a while before she realizes it's hurting him. Examples? I'LL GIVE YOU EXAMPLES. IT'S NOT OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY THAT, GIVEN ENOUGH REASON, STITCH MIGHT LEAVE LIKE THAT. READ IT AND UGLY SOB, GUYS:

Stitch gets jealous of a puppy in one of Disney's story-collection books, in a story called Doggone It, Stitch!, and he feels like Lilo doesn't like him anymore because she's taking care of this actual puppy, so he feels forgotten and disappears, and Lilo finds him at the dog pound watching the puppies (she knew he'd be there, it's really cute) to find out how to act cute like they are so that, and I quote "Lilo like him again".

Stitch gets jealous of Finder in the series and tries to out-do him in everything, because Lilo gives Finder more respect and chances to preform than she does Stitch.

Stitch gets jealous of Mr. Stenchy in the series and literally allows Gantu to trash the house and steal him because Lilo gives him more attention than she does Stitch.

In Elastico (again, in the series), Stitch RUNS AWAY FROM HOME because Lilo's special hula dance has taken priority over him and his cousins, and Stitch feels left behind by her poor treatment of him and leaves the family!

In Phoon, he's furious that Lilo leaves him at the house to go and impress the new hula fusion girls in the gated community, and scoffs at Pleakley's fond observation that Lilo is "growing up".

In Stitch Has A Glitch, winning that contest to prove herself to her mom is suddenly the "most important thing in Lilo's life", and she doesn't see that Stitch has a huge problem and is malfunctioning, and she and Stitch fight and argue throughout the film, and he leaves the island (because he feels too dangerous to be around his Ohana) and Lilo never helped him figure out what was really going on. She was too preoccupied with feeling worthy of being her mother's daughter (fair).

Keoni Jameson is a pre-teen kid in the series on whom Lilo has an enormous crush, and in HunkaHunka, Morpholomew, Melty, and almost every other Keoni-centric episode, Stitch unabashedly displays his disdain for Lilo's crush. He thinks it's gross and silly and even though he tries to help Lilo win Keoni over several times, it's clear he doesn't approve. He crumples up her picture of Keoni and throws it in the trash. He makes gagging sounds when she sighs and fawns over him. He groans when Lilo puts off rehabilitating HunkaHunka so that she can spend time with Keoni. He never gets jealous, because Lilo doesn't really neglect Stitch for Keoni, but the idea of Lilo having a crush on someone isn't met by Stitch with anything resembling happiness or approval. Just tolerance.

Now, when Lilo is older and leaves for college and has new friends, Stitch understandably is unsettled at first and feels a little lost without her. Then she re-meets Zeke, and then they start dating, and suddenly Stitch is feeling more forgotten than ever. This isn't like Keoni. Lilo is actually in a relationship with this boy, and it moves fast, and they're headed toward marriage, and Stitch is wondering if things will ever be the same again. He doesn't want to hear about Zeke or talk about Zeke, and he's so rude and nasty about it that he and Lilo end up fighting a lot during the years she's in college. They both say horrible things to each other, and it gets so bad that by the time he's in space for those missions and she's in her last year of school, they still call one another but it feels like it's a risk just to have a conversation. So many things have been said over the years that they feel like they're on thin ice with each other, and everything is uncomfortable. They never resolve it, so it's always hanging over them. Stitch refuses to let Lilo share with him how things are going with Zeke (who she loves, and who is important to her, so that's not fair of Stitch as her best friend to do) and Lilo refuses to call Stitch's feelings anything other than petty jealousy (which is not true of Stitch's feelings, and that's not fair of Lilo not to take them seriously). So they are both wrong. But they never talk about it and confront the main problem, because neither of them want to give in even though they're both quietly hurt by the other all the time, so it's just this cloud hanging over them every time they talk. That's why, when Lilo doesn't show up on the beach, Stitch literally can't take it anymore. This is the final straw for him. Lilo didn't show up, and she promised to show up, and he waits until the sun is almost set and she's still not there and there's no word from her. Did she even come back to Kauai? Is she still on Honolulu with Zeke? She's forgotten all about him. She doesn't care about him. He gives up (he shouldn't, but he does), and he leaves his tiki necklace (which he promised never to take off in Leroy and Stitch, so it's a clear message to Lilo there, yup) on a branch where she can find it and leaves the planet, devastated. He goes on a joyride and doesn't really have a plan, and ignores one or two calls on the ship's communicators from Lilo (he's still crazy upset). Jumba goes after him after a day passes, but they get sucked into a black hole, which transports them 8 years into the future (unbeknownst to them), they end up somewhere else for three more years, reunite with Lilo, and the rest is Stitch and Ani. For Lilo's part, she finally gets away from the hospital when things have calmed down, and it's pouring rain and the sun has set, and she reaches the rendezvous point and Stitch is gone. She finds his necklace and realizes what that means, and she stays on Kauai for another week trying to get in touch with him. Jumba leaves to bring Stitch back and neither of them return. Lilo is absolutely crushed and tries everything she knows to get in contact with Stitch, but Stitch doesn't answer any of her calls. (She doesn't know he and Jumba got sucked into a black hole; Stitch might've answered those calls later if the black hole hadn't happened.) The fact that they've fought so often for 4 years now, and Stitch left his necklace behind and won't answer her when she tries to reach him, really hits her hard and communicates to her that he's never coming back and it's over. She doesn't see Pleakley or Jumba again either. You can imagine how much pain that causes Lilo, to be forgotten and left behind by her own Ohana. Suddenly it's just her, Nani, and David again (and Kai). She can't handle it. Being on the island with all of Stitch's cousins is too much, and Lilo runs from the reality that she might never see Stitch, Jumba, or Pleakley again, and goes to Honolulu to live indefinitely. She gets married to Zeke Lau, they have Ani, she reunites with Stitch years later, and the rest is S&A.

It follows what happened in the flashbacks and hints given by the anime, but you'll notice I didn't mention that Stitch and the others ended up on Izayoi after the black hole incident. This is because, while that is technically canon, Stitch and Ani is meant to be seen either way. They could have ended up on Japan. Or they could've ended up somewhere else. Either way, the theme of Stitch and Ani hinges on the fact that Lilo and Stitch were apart for so long. The theme is forgiveness, and that's why I kept the idea that Lilo and Stitch had a falling out, a misunderstanding, and split up for a while. He didn't have to meet Yuna or anything. But I wanted the anime's explanation to make a little more sense, and there is evidence for it if you work at it. So. That's the story. You'll get loads more details on it throughout the blog, but that is the reason why Lilo failed to meet Stitch.

[justwritethatdown]

Chapter3

I apologise for taking so long to post chapter 3, but this story is pretty personal to me and I didn't think it would have been so hard for me to write it honestly.

→ MASTERPOST

During the two weeks’ vacation in Florida, Beca and Chloe really meet each other and get a lot closer. Beca has to deal with Aubrey and some other known faces, along with new ones, which causes her a lot of social anxiety. This chapter is accompanied by various old songs so it’s a bit of a throwback (:

Words Count: 8.9K

Rating: T

Warnings: Underage smoking, drinking and mention of sex

Read it on AO3 or under the cut ↓

Summer after high school (When we first met)

1st of July 2010

As soon as they arrived to the hotel Beca wanted to go back home. Aubrey was already getting on her nerves, bitching about how much she hated the place. Like if Aubrey wasn’t enough already, Chloe had brought with her Tom and Stacie, so the group was now formed by four people other than her and Chloe – way too many for Beca’s liking – and on top of everything, the other guy of their group was super creepy and started hitting on her in the most disgusting way.

“Bumper leave her alone, she’s off limits” intimated to him Chloe and Beca smiled at her thankfully.

“This place sucks! There’s literally nothing here!” kept dramatically complaining the blonde.

“Why didn’t we go to Miami as always?” wined Stacie.

“Apparently this shithole is the only place Sheila’s new husband could afford" answered Aubrey with disgust “oh- sorry" she fake-apologized to Beca, Chloe glared at her but didn’t say anything.

Beca wasn’t quick enough to think about a comeback that Bumper added “It���s incredible how they could find the only place in Florida with nothing to do! Why do they hate us so much?”

Beca was actually glad there wasn’t much to do and, even if she planned to stay in her room the whole time, avoiding as much as possible socializing, she had to admit the place was nice; the beach looked amazing and it was right in front of their hotel, which had a swimming pool and a spa too, so she didn’t really know what the others were complaining about.

“I hope I will find some chicks anyway" she heard Bumper say.

“As if anyone would date you” dismissed him Aubrey.

“Who talked about dating?” he retorted.

“You’re so gross" hissed the blonde.

“Aw Aubrey, I know you only say that because you’re jealous” he lamented “but you know I see you as a sister... unless...” he trailed off and Aubrey almost gagged at that.

“in your dreams".

 __Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out

 After leaving their things in the respective rooms and freshening up Beca was forced to go to the beach with her father and Sheila.

“Once we’ve figured out the place, you will be allowed to go around on your own" he explained.

“Dad, the beach is literally on the other side of the street" she complained.

Beca didn’t bother to put on a swimming suit since she was sure she would have been back in her hotel room right away to work on her mix – she was wrong.

They got on the beach and walked to their assigned spot, where they had two sunbeds and a sunshade.

“okay, can I go now?” she asked impatiently

“Honey, why don’t you stay here for a while? It’s so nice" suggested Sheila and Beca just rolled her eyes at her, sitting on the hot sand besides one of their chairs and putting her headphones on.

 Beca noticed Chloe playing volleyball in the water with the others and found herself hypnotized by her; the way her arms and body moved swiftly to hit the ball, the way she smiled. Beca was sure, if she were to remove her headphones, she would have been able to hear her melodic laugh.

The teenager froze when she saw Chloe noticing her. She quickly lowered her eyes and fixated them on the sand but was still enough aware of Chloe to know she was getting out of the water and walking her way. When she was close enough, Beca looked up again lowering her headphones. Chloe didn’t bother to get a towel and Beca's eyes couldn’t help but follow the droplets of water running down Chloe’s body.

“Aren’t you getting hot?" Chloe asked making Beca’s face go bright red.

“no... I-what?” babbled Beca shaking her head. Chloe chuckled at that and sat down on the sand next to her.

“why are you still fully dressed?” she questioned, and Beca released the breath she was holding in.  

“I don’t want to swim” she simply said, without giving the redhead much to continue a conversation.

“The others wanted to go explore this place, to see if we can find something to do, you wanna come with us?” she offered gently.

“Nah, I’m good" declined Beca.

“Okay".

Chloe got up and started walking towards her friends when she suddenly turned around “I’ll see you tonight then" she said smiling and Beca’s heart felt warm.

The brunette was still looking at Chloe when she saw Tom reach out with a hand and shamelessly clean the sand from her toned ass, making it bounce a little. Beca had to look away.

“Okay I’m gonna go back to the hotel" she announced, leaving before her dad could answer anything. She spent the rest of the day working on her mix.

 “So... Beca, right?” asked Stacie not waiting for an answer “we’re going out tonight and you’re coming with us" she ordered. Beca instinctively looked at Chloe, who smiled brightly at her “it’s gonna be fun, I promise” added the tall brunette with a wink. Beca found herself walking to the beach with the rest of the group, Chloe never dropped Tom’s hand – not that she was paying attention to that.

Beca froze when she noticed a bigger group of people waiting for them. She really wasn’t good at dealing with many people at once.

“Hey guys, this is Beca" introduced her Chloe “Beca, these are Jessica and Ashley. They come here every year, so they know every corner of this place" explained the redhead “She’s Flo...”

Beca zoned out while Chloe was introducing her to everyone, she knew she wouldn’t remember any of their names anyway, and which one was Ashley again?

“...and he-" continued Chloe, gesturing towards someone attached to Stacie face. Beca reconnected to the situation just in time to see Luke grinning at Chloe “is Luke. You should know him, he goes to our school” before Beca could decide if she wanted to say that yes, she knew him, Luke smiled at her.

“Of course! I gave her a fake ID. Becky, right?” Beca faked a smile awkwardly.

“it’s Beca actually” corrected him Chloe.

The brunette barely said a word through the whole night. Ashley and Jessica took them to an old forsaken pier, where they stood chatting and drinking beer. Beca thought it was pretty dangerous to drink in the dark on a tiny strike of cement in the sea, but whatever.

“At the end of this pier there is an old dismissed firehouse, everything is dark around it" said Ashley.

“it’s the best place to watch shooting stars" added Jessica.

“that’s amazing, we must go one night!” gasped Chloe excited.

Beca was desperately trying to find something to say, but the more she tried the more her brain got stuck on every little thought, without being able to express any of them. She felt weird, it was like nothing she came up with was good enough to say it aloud; everything sounded too stupid or too lame to interest all those people.

“Oh my god, Beca would you shut up for a second? You’re filling my head with words” complained ironically – and over dramatically – Aubrey, making almost everybody laugh.

“Aubrey!” scolded her Chloe.

“what? It was a joke, she didn’t say a word all night, that’s weird" complained the blonde grinning.

Beca was spiraling and she even considered to tell the group she was tired and run away from the situation when Luke suddenly took out a joint “does someone smoke?” he asked to the group before lighting it up.

“Sure” she answered, glad to have something to calm her nerves just a little.

“You smoke?” gasped Chloe, making Beca’s anxiety hit a new high.

“I… no, I mean yes- just sometimes. Is that a problem?” she found herself babble, as if she had to give some kind of explanation to anyone about that.

“She hates when I smoke” cut in Tom blowing the smoke out of his mouth, before passing her the joint.

Beca took a deep puff thinking that she would never smoke in front of Chloe after she told her it bothered her – if she were her girlfriend, of course – but Tom didn’t seem to have a problem with that.

“It not a problem” softly giggled the redhead “I just don’t like the smell”.    

 On their way back to the hotel, all Beca could think about was what a waste of time it had been to go out instead of working on her mix. The night was somehow even worse than she had expected, and she was feeling rather nauseous for all the anxiety it changed her with. Socializing is the fucking worst.

Suddenly she felt Chloe’s hand slide into hers, so she looked up at her – she had slowed down to walk next to Beca at the end of the group.

“So, fake ID, smoking pot… maybe I should stay away from you?” joked the redhead.

“Oh yes, I’m such a bad influence” scoffed Beca immediately cringing at her own words.

“How are you?” Chloe gently asked in a way more serious tone.

Beca swallowed hard “I’m good" she lied.

“You know, Aubrey isn’t as mean as she seems, she’s just really insecure and thinks to look stronger taking others down" she explained – that’s not an excuse thought Beca – “she does that with Bumper too" added the redhead squeezing her hand.

“Yeah, it’s okay, I don’t mind" assured her Beca trying her best to smile.

 __

 The next day Beca put on some shorts and her bikini top, but still sat the whole morning under her sunshade with her iPod, watching the others play.

The group seemed to have begun official, since they were all having fun together, even Luke was there. He and Stacie seemed to be very intimate, the guy didn’t waste any opportunity to playfully swipe her up in his arms and every time Stacie made sure to let her hands linger on his muscular arms or his toned abs.

The brunette took her phone to message Amy, who texted her the night before asking how the situation was, but Beca was too socially exhausted to answer at the time.

Beca:

Your Luke is here too. The guy is RIPPED!

 Amy:

:Q_______ don’t make me jealous T_T

TALK TO HIM ABOUT ME!

 Beca:

You know I don’t talk to people.

I think he’s hooking up with Stacie btw :/

 Amy:

Aw fuck! <\3

 Beca:

Anyway, the situation is balls! I hate everything about this fucking vacation!

 She also got an SMS by Jesse that made her roll her eyes, but smile nonetheless.

 Jesse:

I miss you too btw <3

 Beca:

Shut up.

 “Who are you texting?” asked Chloe peering over her shoulder “Jesse..." she answered herself “is he your boyfriend?” Beca instinctively locked her phone and put it away.

“What? No. Absolutely not, he’s not" she hurried.

“okay...” answered Chloe in amusement “boys only send me hearts when they want to date me though" she insinuated “and you told him you missed him"

“I didn’t, that’s the point” gasped Beca “he just assumed on his own" she complained.

“I think you like him" teased the redhead.

“I so do not” stated Beca blushing.

“Whatever, your face says otherwise. Come play now, you’ve sat here long enough" ordered Chloe and Beca found herself obliging.

“I don’t like him!” she repeated letting Chloe drag her towards their friends.

 __Please take me away from here ‘Cause I feel like such an insomniac

 On the 4th of July they organized this big bonfire on the beach, to see the fireworks and then spend the night there with lots of alcohol, drinking games and a stupid midnight swim – totally recommended to get eaten by a shark.

 Beca was particularly grumpy the whole day, she couldn’t believe she was really going to spend the night with all those people she barely knew, after having spent the whole day with them already. She allowed herself to stay in the hotel for a little longer that morning, telling her father and Sheila she had a headache and would have reached them soon.

 Beca was chilling under her sunshade when she noticed Chloe approaching her and lowered her headphones around her neck.

“Sheila told me you weren’t feeling good this morning, how are you now?” she asked and Beca could sense she really cared, for some reason.

“Yeah I’m feeling better now" assured her Beca with a small smile.

“Awes! So you’ll still gonna be with us tonight, right?”

The brunette rolled her eyes at that, she really couldn’t understand why Chloe cared so much about her going with them at this stupid party. “Yes, Chloe I’ll be there" she promised hating herself for not being able to say no to the redhead.

“Now come, we’re playing beach volley” added Chloe dragging her by the arm.

Beca could barely leave her iPod and headphones inside her sun bag, that was thrown in a match with Flo and Bumper against Chloe, Tom and Aubrey.

The brunette hated any kind of physical activity, but there was something about beating Aubrey – and Tom – that sparked a fire in her. She still found herself rooting for Chloe somehow, so she couldn’t find it in herself to strike the winning point and let the ball pass her. They won anyway because Flo saved it and Bumper finished the action crushing it at Tom’s feet. The look on Aubrey’s face was priceless.

“Did you miss that on propose?” joyfully accused her Chloe when she went to congratulate them for the win – she was the only one of her team to do that, since Aubrey was still yelling at Tom how big of a delusion he was.

“What? No!" she lied “now can I go listen to my mus-"

“Nope" interrupted her Chloe “now we’re swimming!” Chloe said taking her hand and Beca let the redhead drag her in the water, where Ashley, Jessica and other guys Beca couldn’t remember the names of, were waiting for them.

Shortly after Stacie and Luke reached them informing the group everything was set for the night.

  After watching the fireworks Beca was ready to head home – she was ready to head home way before that – but Chloe convinced her to stay, offering her a solo cup with vodka mixed with something super sweet. It was gross but Beca drank it anyway – liquid confidence.

She was on her second drink when Stacie suggested to play ‘spin the bottle’ and everyone eagerly agreed. Beca didn’t, but she didn’t want to draw attention on her, being the only one who didn’t want to play.

“Okay the rules are simple" started Bumper with a serious voice, once they all sat around the fire “on your turn you spin the bottle and kiss whoever it points to. No exceptions or you must pay a pledge” he uselessly explained, since everybody knew the game. Beca hated this game.

“Girls don’t hold back. Specially if you’re kissing another girl, we all want to see that!” he added with a perverted smile on his stupid face.

Beca started feeling sick, she started to think about what she would have done if she had to kiss Tom or, even worse, what if she had to kiss Chloe? She didn’t want that to make things awkward and ruin what could become a good friendship between them.

The first one to spin the bottle was Flo – Bumper’s victim for the day apparently.

Bumper groaned loudly in disappointment when the bottle landed on Luke and the two shared a short kiss without losing too much time.

Beca’s heart was beating way to hard in her chest.

“This game is stupid, I’m out of here" she blurred out before getting up.

“Oh, come on! Worried your nerdy boyfriend would be jealous about it?” teased her Aubrey. Beca straight up wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but she didn’t – for Chloe, obviously.

“He's not my boyfriend” she said leaving.

 “Beca hey, wait” called after her Chloe following her. When Beca was positive they were far enough from the group, she slowed down and let Chloe reach her.

“What happened?” asked the redhead with those soft eyes Beca could clearly see, even in the dim light.

“Nothing happened. It’s a stupid game" she repeated “and I don’t want to kiss most of the people sitting there anyway so what’s the point?” “so there’s someone you do want to kiss!” pointed out Chloe. Beca’s stomach twisted at that “who is it?”

“Is it Luke?” she hazarded when Beca didn’t answer to her.

“That’s none of your business” growled the brunette, starting to walk away again “don’t follow me" she demanded.

Beca couldn’t sleep that night and she couldn’t even work on her mix as she used to most nights, she was too preoccupied obsessing over the fact that she was rude to Chloe for no reason. She just really wanted to go back home.

 __

 The next day Beca didn’t want to go to the beach. She was sure Chloe hated her and didn’t have the guts to face her. She knew she had to, she needed to apologize to her, just like she did with Jesse before leaving for this hellscape.

 “Dude, can we talk for a moment?” asked Beca before their chemistry class started. “What for?” asked Jesse. Beca guessed she deserved that.

“Look, I’ve been an ass okay? I was stressed out and took it out on you" she tried, but she knew the guy wouldn’t give in so easily “I like having you around, you’re like the only one I actually like having around. I miss you dude, I’m not good at this but school is not the same without you being my friend"

Jesse sighed loudly “okay weirdo, I’m gonna let this one go, but next time you pull something like that we’re done.” He threatened “now, what did you say about missing me?” he teased with a smug smile.

 __Thinking to myself, hey isn't this easy? And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town

 When Beca finally found the courage to go to the beach she even forgot to bring her headphones, busy rehearsing the speech she had prepared to apologize to Chloe.

She totally didn’t expect to find Chloe sat on the sunbed next to Sheila’s, waiting for her. Beca gulped and slowed down, her heart started racing and her hands were sweaty.

“Hey, Chloe... uhm" she cleared her throat, her speech suddenly disappeared from her memory. Chloe looked at her using a hand as a shield against the sun, that still passed through, forcing her to close one eye.

“Hey! You finally decided to join us huh?” she beamed at her and for a moment Beca thought her smile was brighter than the sun. Chloe wasn’t mad at her apparently, so Beca sighed sitting down next to her.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I was waiting for you" simply said the redhead.

“What about the others?” “they went surfing". Beca furrowed her brows at that so Chloe added “I’m on my period" “oh" was all the brunette could answer.

“I was thinking we could listen to one of your playlists, but I see you don’t have your iPod” said Chloe pouting a little.

“I- I actually have it. I just forgot the headphones”.

“Oh, you girls can use mine" offered Sheila smiling at them and Beca felt very confused at that.

“No, don’t worry, there’s no need to" tried Beca but the woman insisted, so Chloe took the white wire she was offering.

“I’m going to put my feet in the water" excused herself Sheila.

Beca plugged the earphones in and gave one to Chloe, who adjusted herself on the lounger she was sharing with Beca – even if there was an empty one next to them now. Beca pressed play to her ’09 – ’10 playlist. It didn’t take long for Chloe to take charge of the device and start go through the tracks.

“Oh my God, can you listen to one whole song?” groaned Beca, Chloe kept constantly skipping through songs.

“Sorry" chuckled the redhead “okay, I promise I won’t skip this one" she said when ‘When Love Takes Over’ started playing.

“I didn’t think you listened to this stuff” Chloe quoted her and Beca smiled biting her bottom lip “it’s so different from your other playlists”

“I’m trying new things recently. I like the beat; David Guetta is really talented” she explained.

It was so easy to be with Chloe without all those annoying people around them, Beca loved the way Chloe went through her playlists and the smile she had while they discussed music made Beca feel all warm inside, or maybe it was the fact that they were basically laying on top of each other in the small sunbed, both wearing nothing but their swimming suits, with so much skin on skin contact. Beca was just actively not thinking about that.

Beca tried not to read too much into it when Chloe declined Tom's invitation to sunbathe together – that totally meant “come make out with me for a while” – telling him she’d rather stay there with Beca, but when the redhead turned even Aubrey down, a small pleased smile made its way on her lips.

“Ugh Chloe, you’re really boring when you’re on your period” complained the blonde in front of everyone and Beca furrowed at her “dude, what’s your problem?” she asked and felt Chloe grab her arm “don’t” she whispered before getting up “I’m coming” she sung following Aubrey.

 __Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining

 That night they decided to go to the abandoned lighthouse. The path was so dark they had to use their phone screens or lighters to see where they were placing their feet.

“You could have told us to bring some flashlight or something” commented Stacie. “Yeah, you’re right… sorry” apologized Ashley.

“Okay, what now?” asked Aubrey crossing her arms around her middle, when they reached the end of the pier. “We… lay down and watch the stars” answered Jessica, trying her best to maintain her smile in place – she was clearly struggling with Aubrey’s attitude – so Beca decided to back her up.

“Sounds great to me” she said laying down.

Chloe was the first one to follow her and decided to use Beca stomach as a pillow, making her gulp. Beca didn’t even notice how much Jessica appreciated her gesture, because she was focused on not breathing too much and bother Chloe someway.

One at a time, all the guys laid down beside them, in a Tetris way; each of them was using a part of someone’s body as a pillow – except for Beca, who only put her crumpled hoody under her head – The brunette noticed Tom resting his head on Chloe’s tights, just where her short summer dress ended – they totally had sex already – something about that, incredibly bothered her.

“You guys aren’t going to do it while I’m your pillow, right?” she joked awkwardly and Chloe giggled looking up at her “Don’t worry, we’ll behave” she assured her with a wink that made Beca’s insides melt.

The starry sky was beautiful, the stars shined so brightly in the dark surrounding them that they could spot several shooting stars. Beca was finally enjoying herself; no interactions, no Aubrey – she was somewhere far from Beca and was finally shutting up – if Beca focused hard enough she could pretend it was only her, the stars and Chloe. It felt so good to have the redhead lying comfortably against her, she let her right hand gaze Chloe’s arm, it wasn’t Beca’s fault, it was just their position.

What she didn’t expect was for Chloe to reach out to take that hand and hold it on her own stomach, Beca froze for a moment at the feeling of Chloe’s fingers intertwined with hers, even if that wasn’t the first time.

“Ugh! I’m so bored” wined Aubrey, making Beca almost groan while she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah me, too” agreed Stacie “if we don’t do something now, I’m gonna fall asleep”.

“We could sing something!” suggested Chloe, but the others completely ignored her suggestion.

“Isn’t there a club or something?” asked Tom sitting up.

“Yeah, I wanna dance with some hot girls” exclaimed Bumper getting on his feet.

“Well, there’s a crappy disco club, but there are mostly old creepy men there” hesitantly admitted Ashley.

“Anything would be better than doing nothing here” stated Aubrey getting up.

Beca noticed Chloe huffing and she spoke without thinking “I’m cool staying here, if you want to stay” she whispered to Chloe. The girl suddenly started to sweat, her heart racing.

“Would you do that?” asked the redhead in disbelieve and Beca smiled at her.

“Of course, dude”.

Chloe turned to the others, now all on their feet, waiting for them “You guys go, we’re staying here” she informed them. Tom crouched down to hover over Chloe’s face “you gonna be okay?” he asked and she nodded smiling at him. The guy gave Chloe a quick kiss goodbye before leaving with the others.

Beca was in her head. She thought she had to say something, not to make things awkward, but for some reason she couldn’t stop thinking about Tom; about the fact that, if Chloe were her girlfriend, she would have never left her to go clubbing – if it was up to her she would have stayed there with Chloe stargazing her whole life.

Chloe shivering brought Beca back to reality, she quickly reached for the hoody under her head and offered it to her “cold?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I don’t want to take it from you” declined it Chloe shivering again.

“Shut up, you’re shivering!” stated Beca putting the hoodie on Chloe as a blanket.

“What if you get cold too?”

“You are my blanket” Beca heard herself saying and she widened her eyes.

“Fair enough, but if you get cold, you’re getting it back” intimated the redhead, and squeezed Beca’s hand, she was still holding under the hoodie.

“Okay” agreed Beca – there was no way she would take that hoodie back from her.

 “So… your parents let you sleep with Tom?” Beca asked out of the blue.

“Absolutely not” laughed Chloe “officially, I share my hotel room with Stacie. But he has his own room”. Beca bit her tongue for asking – yup, they were definitely doing it.

“Have you ever been with someone?” asked Chloe as if she could read Beca’s mind, it made Beca choke on air and it took her a few coughs to blur a simple “no”.

“What about Jesse?”

Beca rolled her eyes at that “I told you, he’s not my boyfriend” she repeated annoyed

“Stacie says the same about Luke” informed her Chloe and Beca snorted.

“I don’t l-”

“you don’t like him, okay” sighed Chloe “but I think he likes you”.

 Beca fell silent for a moment, contemplating that. “It is possible, yes. But does it really matter if I don’t like him back anyway?”

They weren’t staring at the stars anymore; Chloe had turned on her side to look at Beca more comfortably and Beca felt like she was drowning in those ocean blue eyes.

  “No” said softly Chloe “but you could like him and not knowing. If Aubrey wouldn’t have told me Tom was into me, making me consider the fact of dating him, we wouldn’t have been together for almost two years now” she added. Beca frowned, could she really feel something for Jesse without knowing it? – she had to admit, she was rather clueless regarding her own feelings. “But maybe that’s not your case” shrugged Chloe.

 “You’re different” blurred out Beca and Chloe gave her a questioning look “from the girl I met at dinner” she clarified looking away, suddenly looking at Chloe was too much for her.

“Yeah, about that” sighed the redhead “I owe you an apology, I was kind of a bitch” she said screwing up her face.

“I think you made up for that” Beca chuckled “why did you act like that though?” she asked.

“it’s just that… my parents, they are…” she railed off, so Beca looked at her again “I don’t really like them, or their friends- sorry”.

“Oh no, trust me, no one likes Sheila less than me” scoffed Beca.

“But she seems nice to you, I think being with your father changed her”

“I think she’s just faking it for him” answered Beca, feeling rather uncomfortable talking about her.

“Trust me, I would notice that. I’ve known her my whole life” assured Chloe.

 “Why don’t you like your parents?” Beca asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

“They’re just two selfish snobs, who only care about the appearances. Everything must look perfect on the outside, when the truth is that they don’t care about me at all-”

“How can that be true?” interrupted her Beca, genuinely finding it impossible for someone not to care about Chloe.

“They only care that I don’t embarrass them. So I put up with their façade in public, but I ignore them at home.”

Beca found herself squeezing Chloe’s hand in empathy, sensing the deep sadness behind her words.

“I’m sorry I ignored you too, to me you were only Sheila’s new kid” apologized Chloe “and I always ignored her too”

“I’m not her kid” clarified Beca, feeling uneasy “and you said that like if I was a new pair of shoes” she scoffed.

“No oh my god, of course. I- sorry, I didn’t mean it like that” rushed out Chloe “you’re so much more than that, Becs”.

Beca didn’t know if she blushed at that, but she knew for sure that her heart started racing again, so she cleared her throat to dissimulate it “why are you so kind to me all the times?” she asked, genuinely curious about that.

“why not?” asked Chloe smiling and Beca just laughed shaking her head.

“Why are you Aubrey’s friend then?” inquired the brunette. Chloe huffed loudly and Beca feared she overstepped – Aubrey was her best friend after all.

“We grew up together…” she started unsure “I don’t have memories of a time when I didn’t know her”.

Beca could understand that, even if she and Amy had opposite personalities, she grew to love her through time, so she figured it was the same thing for Chloe – Amy was way better than Aubrey though.

“I know she seems awful, but her parents are way worse than mine” continued Chloe “they put on her so many expectations, it’s so much pressure that I don’t know how she doesn’t crack under it” Chloe stopped to clear her throat “if she doesn’t reach their standards they call her a failure, she’s just a teenager!”

 The girls talked until 2am before Chloe declared she was tired, so they went back to the hotel.

“Thank you” said Chloe taking off Beca’s hoodie and giving it back to her

“No problem” answered the brunette smiling gently “goodnight”

Her hoodie smell like Chloe now and Beca didn’t stop to wonder why she liked it so much, but she did. She made a mental note to always bring it along, just in case Chloe might need it again.

   __My heart it pounds, yeah you got me

 Beca wasn’t surprised when the next day Chloe spent more time with Tom, what surprised her was that she joined the group willingly and spent the day with them without hating it. She was pleased to notice that after a few days of knowing these people the effort she had to put in to socialize wasn’t that big anymore, things were starting to feel natural.

They decided – Aubrey decided – to go back to the club that night and Beca really hated the idea. She didn’t dance, no matter how hard Amy had tried, Beca decided that dancing just wasn’t for her.

“That place sucks so bad” said Aubrey for the millionth time and Beca was bold enough to ask her “why are we going then?”

“Because there’s nothing else to do in this fucking place” spat out the blonde rolling her eyes.

 Beca found herself isolating again when they started a singing game where one player started singing a song and, on your turn, you had to sing another song starting by one word of the song the other player was singing. If you don’t sing on your turn, you lost.

Beca was close enough to hear them and had a song ready for each turn, she couldn’t help her smile when Chloe started to sing the same song she thought of. When Bumper interrupted her to keep the game going, Beca found herself missing Chloe’s voice for a moment and decided to distract herself not to think about that.

“Why don’t you come playing with us?” asked Chloe, making her jump; the brunette didn’t notice Chloe approaching her.

“I don’t sing” she blurred out.

“This is not a singing contest, it’s just a game. I know you would be very good at-”

“Chloe would you come play? Forget about her” scoffed Aubrey “she’s just being a weirdo as usual”.

Beca sensed Chloe tensing up, she knew the girl was ready to fight Aubrey about that, but she stopped her hushing out a quickly “don’t worry” before getting up from her beach towel “it’s not worth it” she added leaving.

 It was shortly after dinner when Chloe showed up at her hotel room “You forgot this on the beach today” she said gently handing her the towel.

“Oh, thanks” answered Beca taking it with a smile and starting to close the door.

“Wait” stopped her the redhead pushing against the wooden surface “can I come in?”

“Sure” said Beca moving out of the way “if this is about what Aubrey said, I’m okay” she assured.

“It isn’t” said Chloe “I mean, yes that too, but mostly I came here to get you ready” she beamed out showing her the beauty case she brought along.

Beca arched an eyebrow “what for?” she asked slightly scared.

“for tonight”

“I’m not coming” scoffed Beca.

“Yes, you are! Beca please, we’re gonna have fun! Do it for me?”

 So Beca found herself sitting on a chair in front of the mirror, with Cloe fixing her hair with a curling iron.

“Why do you care so much if I come to this stupid club anyway?” asked Beca struggling to stay still with the burning hot weapon so close to her head.

“I just enjoy your company” Chloe said casually “is it that hard to believe?”

“No, I guess” lied Beca – it was the most impossible think to believe for her, that someone like Chloe wanted to waste her time with her. She was obviously just being nice to the weird kid because she was a nice person.

 Beca spent most of the night sitting on a short wall next to the dancefloor, if one could call it that; the ‘club’ was more a bar stand with a large space – probably a dismissed caravan parking site – they put a console, some speakers and stroboscopic lights in. the only good aspect was that they served alcohol without asking for an ID, but the place was depressing and the Dj sucked.

Next to Beca there was Lily – a girl of their group Beca never heard speaking, but who still interacted more than her – who didn’t feel like dancing either apparently. Beca didn’t talk to her, she kept sipping at her Rum and Coke in silence. Beca was definitely not watching Chloe dance against Tom, the way she dipped low and grind against him after rising back up, he was slowly moving behind her, eventually grabbing her hips or bending over to kiss her cheek, neck or anything he could find.

If you ask her, Beca couldn’t tell how, but when she saw the group come back from the dancefloor, she knew Aubrey was about to tell her something stupid, convinced to be extremely funny. “Wow Beca, you’re really having fun tonight huh?” she teased and the brunette just snorted at her, more bothered by the terrible work the ‘Dj’ was doing than by the cheap comments Aubrey could come up with.

She vaguely noticed Just Dance started playing. The mix she just finished making was ten times better than what they were listening to. For a moment she fantasized about taking control of the dj boot and play it, she had it in her iPod after all. Chloe taking her hand brought her back to reality.

“Let’s go dancing!” screamed Chloe, probably because she’d been dancing too close to one of the speakers, tugging at her arm.

“I don’t dance”

“Of course, you don’t” chuckled Chloe “come onnnnn” she whined.

“I don’t even like this song” tried Beca, putting down the empty solo cup she was still holding.

“Liar, I know you love this song, it’s in your playlist!” called her out Chloe “come dance with me, please”

Beca couldn’t resist that smile, her heart started racing; the brunette knew in that moment that she was doomed – she would have done anything Chloe had asked her.

Beca let Chloe drag her in the middle of the dancefloor and felt a shiver when the girl didn’t drop her hand when she started dancing. Beca was frozen, she had no idea what to do, she was the only idiot standing still, but couldn’t convince her body to start moving.

“Dance!” laughed Chloe, gently shaking her by the hand.

“I don’t know how to” she confessed.

Chloe moved impossibly close to her face and Beca’s breath got caught in her throat. “I’m gonna tell you a secret” whispered the redhead “nobody does” she said winking “just move with me”

Beca thought she was going to pass out when Chloe reached out to gently place her hands on Beca’s hips, bringing their bodies together, to rhythmically move against each other. Having the other girl so close made her heart beat unsafely fast. Eventually she started moving on her own to dance with Chloe; the way Chloe pushed her head up, sometimes running her fingers through auburn hair, was unfairly sexy. For the first time Beca didn’t second-guess what was going on; she just kept on dancing, resting her forearms on Chloe’s shoulders. The way Chloe’s looked oat her took her breath away; she blamed it on the alcohol and the loud beat, on the endorphins formed in her system because of all the dancing – probably everybody felt this intoxicated while dancing with someone – everything was normal.

 __ She is like a melody in my head That I can't keep out

 The rest of the vacation was a blur to Beca. Maybe it’s true what they say about time running faster when you’re having a good time. Beca wouldn’t say she was actually having a good time, she still hated hanging out with people she barely knew and had pretty much nothing in common with – and most of all she still hated Aubrey – but the small moments she got to spend with Chloe were enough to get her by.

Those times Chloe choose to sit on her lap instead of the empty seat that was too far from her, or when she randomly took her hand or started lightly brushing her fingertips on her harm in that relaxing way – that did everything but relax Beca, if she was honest – or even the casual touches, those Beca wasn’t even sure Chloe did on purpose. Those moments were all Beca could think about. Chloe was all Beca could think about.

It wasn’t unusual for them to listen to Beca’s iPod together while eating lunch or while the others went jumping from the riff; something that Beca found very funny, but that Chloe hated, so Beca decided to pass on that too, just to spend more time alone with the redhead.

“What is this?” Asked the redhead scrolling through the songs “Beca-mix_1"

Beca’s eyes widened and she jumped to take the iPod from Chloe, but she was too slow, and swallowed hard hearing the first notes of it playing in her ear.

“Did you make this?” asked Chloe in shock.

“Yeah...” shyly admitted the brunette.

“Beca this is amazing!”

“You like it?” asked Beca in disbelief.

“I love it!” gasped Chloe in awe “Beca, you’re so talented!”

“I- thank yo-"

“Did you make others?”

“No, I mean yes, but they’re crap. This is the first one I liked enough to save it" explained Beca scratching at the back of her head.

She had never let anyone listen to her mixes – not even Amy – and she’d never thought Chloe of all people would have been the first one to hear it. For some reason Chloe’s opinion meant the world to her, and the fact that she liked something she made, gave her a weird kind of high she’d never experienced before.

 __Feels like I’ve waited so long for this, I wonder if it shows

 One night, after they said goodbye to the others, the  core group decided to stay up until dawn instead of going to sleep, so they sneaked Luke – who always walked Stacie to the hotel to steal one last kiss – in and went on the roof of the hotel, that was full equipped with chairs, sofas and sunbeds. Beca opted for a hammock, while the others were gathering their seats in a circle-like form next to her.

“Scoot" intimated her Chloe wanting to fit on the hammock with her, but Beca didn’t move. “fine, I’m just gonna lay on top of you then" threatened the redhead trying to climb on the hammock and risking flipping it.

“Okay, okay. Jesus!” laughed Beca making room for Chloe next to her.

“Do you two need a room?” joked Stacie.

“I’m totally on board with that babe!” added Tom laughing.

“Who told you you’re invited?” teased Chloe with a smug smile.

Beca knew they were all kidding, but she couldn’t stop her face to turn bright red and her heart to beat so fast she was afraid Chloe could feel it hammer against her chest.

“Beca you wanna smoke?” asked her Luke lighting up yet another joint.

“No thanks, I’m gonna pass" she declined, for Chloe obviously; she didn’t want to bother the redhead, since she knew the girl couldn’t stand the smell of it. Beca didn’t know if she was hoping that Chloe noticed she was doing it for her or not, but when Chloe turned to whisper to her “it’s okay if you wanna smoke, it doesn’t bother me" she felt her stomach flip.

“Aw Beca, your alt girl days are ending already?” mocked her Aubrey.

“Aubrey why don’t you try smoking a little? It will relax you! And while you’re at it you can also try getting off my case for once?” she spat out.

“Woooooah" cheered Bumper and everyone – except for Aubrey, obviously – started laughing.

 It didn’t take long for Chloe to fall asleep, Beca had put her hoodie on the both of them as a blanket and made sure not to raise her voice too much while laughing and chatting with the others. After a while the group started to run out of energy; Tom was checking his phone, Stacie and Luke were just making out and Aubrey was busy convincing Bumper that nothing would ever happen between the two of them.

Beca took the opportunity to lose herself in her thoughts; in the fact that, even if she’d always hated physical contact, to have Chloe sleeping cuddled up on her felt so nice. She didn’t want to elaborate the feeling, nice was enough for now, it was too soon to let her mind analyse the way her body felt warmer every time Chloe as much as looked her way, or the way her heart beat out of time. It was too dangerous to get an answer to why that happened to her every time Chloe was around.

She noticed the guys decided to go to give up, too tired to wait for the sunrise, and she decided to pretend she was asleep, not ready to give up laying there with Chloe yet.

“Chlo, come on, we’re going to sleep" tried Tom, but the redhead didn’t give him any response, other than a soft snore.

After a few minutes of trying, Aubrey got annoyed “let’s just leave them" she said, “I’m going to bed" and left.

Beca heard Tom standing there pondering the situation for a moment, before deciding to leave too.

 The morning after Beca was awakened by the sun burning hot on her face; that and the hoodie worked together to generate an uncomfortable heat, making them both sweat. A soft groan escaped her, she didn’t mean to really fall asleep, she just wanted a few more minutes before waking Chloe up and going to their respective hotel rooms.

They had shifted during the night and Beca soon found out that she couldn’t move without waking Chloe up some way; the redhead was half on top of her, using her shoulder as a pillow and their limbs were intertwined. Beca’s left arm – the one laying under Chloe’s body – was numb, but somehow Beca didn’t hate any of that.

Chloe’s smell surrounding her and the weight of the girl on her made Beca feel things she’d never felt before. If it was anyone else, Beca would have rung for the hills, but there was something different about this girl, something special, that didn’t scare her. If anything, it made her feel brave.

Beca didn’t realise her hand was on Chloe’s hip, until the girl shifted beneath it while turning around, she turned too much and Beca had to catch her before she fell down the hammock. The brunette knew it would have given away the fact that she was awake, but she figured that falling down the hammock wouldn’t have been a really nice way to wake up.

“Nice catch" mumbled Chloe rubbing her eyes, still a little shook for her almost fall “were you awake?”

“Yeah I just woke up" confessed Beca “I couldn’t move though”.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” asked the redhead still half asleep – she looked adorable.

“I don’t know, it seemed rude" laughed Beca.

 __ I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

 The last day of vacation came way too soon. Beca spent the day with a heavy feeling on her stomach, due to the awareness that everything was ending. Back in Atlanta things won’t be the same as they were now, they were going back to reality, a reality where Beca can’t spend every day with Chloe listening to music and just being.

It was bittersweet to see her same gloom mirrored in Chloe’s behavior; it felt nice to know that Chloe was sad about giving up what they had now, but that only confirmed Beca’s conviction that everything was about to change for them.

The evening went by in the blink of an eye and the group was finishing dinner in the big hotel’s dining room.

“Are we going to stay up tonight? For real I mean" asked Tom chewing the last bite of his steak.

“Of course we are, that’s our last night" answered Bumper “but we have to sneak in everyone this time, I know Florencia will give in tonight" he added making the others roll their eyes.

“Leave that poor girl alone, she doesn’t know how to tell you anymore, she’s not interested” spat out Stacie.

“That’s the point, she doesn’t know how to say no anymore, so she might say yes" he explained wiggling his eyebrows.

“Ugh, dude that’s fucked up!” groaned Beca pushing her plate away.

“Are we going to sneak in some booze too or we gonna behave?” asked Chloe biting her lip.

“We’re obviously sneaking some alcohol in, Chloe. I can’t stand those idiots when I’m sober" scolded her Aubrey.

“Ugh true” laughed Stacie, igniting a general laugh.

This was one of the things Beca couldn’t stand about this group, they were always talking shit about people behind their backs and pretend to like them when they were around. It wasn’t even true that they didn’t like them, they just needed to be assholes sometimes and make fun of other people. Even Chloe let herself get involved in their behavior – something she had to do to adapt to the group, for sure – and that was probably the only thing Beca didn’t like about her. Beca was sure they did the same thing with her too and the thought made her feel sick.

 That night there was an unspoken agreement between the girls, to keep Flo away from Bumper for as long as they could; he was harmless, but all of them knew how annoying he could get and they didn’t want Flo to give in just to make him stop – even Aubrey seemed to care about that and did her part.

As soon as they got to the roof, they rushed to find a seat.

“Becs, come sit with me?” suggested Chloe gesturing towards the hammock and Beca felt her stomach do that flip she was used to by now.

“No way!” shouted Bumper “the hammock is mine tonight! Miss Fuentes, care to join me?” he said all charming after occupying the hammock.

“She won’t. She’s sitting next to me" ordered Aubrey patting the empty chair next to her sofa, as if she was calling a dog.

Flo sat down next to her whispering a hushed “thank you".

Chloe ended up sitting on Tom’s lap and Beca curled up in a sofa a couple of seats from them.

They decided to play ‘never have I ever’ and Beca thought she was winning when she realized she hadn’t done most of the things they were mentioning; she only drank once when Chloe said “Never have I ever smoked pot".

She learned a lot of things she didn’t care about but that Amy would have loved to know; she learned that Aubrey got blackout drunk and spent the night with her face in the water, that Luke was actually pretty good in school and that Stacie – and Bumper apparently, but no one really believed him – was in a threesome once.

When it came her turn, she smirked devilishly, convinced that what she was about to say would have made everyone drink – something nobody succeeded with yet – “Never have I ever… kissed someone” she proudly declared.

The group fell silent for a moment.

“What?” spat out Aubrey suddenly, unable to keep her laugh in anymore.

“You can’t be serious” added Stacie shocked.

“I mean we can make up for that if you want, we have Bumper who would kiss anything as long as it moves" chuckled Aubrey.

Beca stood there while everyone was laughing at her, she didn’t know what the hell made her think it was something to brag about – to be 16 and haven’t kissed anyone yet – she felt her eyes sting, she knew she was about to tear up, but was trying to hold back with everything she had, she couldn’t give them any more reasons to laugh at her.

“I don’t think it’s funny" said Chloe.

“Come on babe, you have to admit it is a little funny" said Tom still giggling.

It made Chloe stand up from his lap and turn around to glare at him “okay, whatever, it’s not funny" he agreed, trying to get her to sit back on his lap, Chloe angrily freed her hand from his grasp and walked away from him, towards Beca.

“Can I sit with you?” she asked gently.

“Sure" quickly answered the brunette trying to make as much room as she could for Chloe to sit next to her.

“I don’t wanna play this game anymore” she declared.

“Babe I’m cold, come back here" complained Tom.

“You know I can’t stand you when you act like an asshole”.

It didn’t take long for Chloe to curl up into Beca while they were listening to one of Flo’s weird stories. Beca wasn’t listening to her at all, she was focused on the feeling of having Chloe curled up on her for the last time in who knows how long.

 When the sun started rising, Beca felt there was something final about it. Her last sunrise with Chloe. It was like time was slipping from her hands and there was nothing to do about it.

“Shouldn’t we clean up this mess?” asked Chloe when the guys started to say goodbye to each other.

“People are paid to do it, Chloe” told her Aubrey in her usual smartass tone.

 Beca had an earlier flight than the rest of the group because her father had to be back in Atlanta sooner, so she had to say goodbye to Chloe at the hotel, while the others got to take her same plane. Beca awkwardly waved the group goodbye before pushing her suitcase in the back of the taxi and when she turned around Chloe crushed into her, hugging her tight.

“Have a safe flight" she whispered in Beca’s ear.

“Yeah you too" told her the brunette pulling back from the hug with a soft smile.

When she climbed into the taxi Sheila was looking at her proudly “I told you, you were gonna become friends" she all but beamed.

“Whatever” huffed Beca before putting her headphones on. She felt bad about being rude to Sheila – that’s a first, she thought – but it lasted for almost five seconds, before she turned around to see Chloe waving her goodbye from the sidewalk.

[hlupdate]

Here he comes, one of the planet’s most conspicuous young men, stepping out of the London drizzle and into a dusty suburban pub. If there was an old vinyl record player in the place it would scratch quiet. Instead, the two-dozen punters turn hushed and intent, as if a unicorn has just trotted in off the street, and nobody wants to scare it off. “That’s frickin’ Harry frickin’ Styles,” whispers a young man at the bar, “in this pub.” The pop star is asked what he wants to drink and in a voice already inclined to undertones, quietly orders a cup of tea.

A former teen star who is now 25, a happier and rockier solo artist since his boyband One Direction split a few years ago, Styles has hidden himself inside a large, swamp-green parka. He’s tall, around the 6ft mark, and carries himself with a slight stoop. If Styles could only do something about his appearance from the neck up (elfin brow, wide Joker smile, a face that’s recognisable across multiple continents) you sense he could drink in pubs like this anonymously enough. As it is, cover blown, he removes the parka. A woolly jumper beneath has a picture of the planet Saturn on it. Maybe they’ve heard of Styles there, too.

We take a seat in the corner. On nearby tables, conversations start to sputter as people try to keep their own talk ticking along on autopilot while straining to hear what Styles says. I ask him about the sheer strangeness of this and other aspects of fame. Full stadiums, swooning admirers, an excess of opportunity and cash. Why isn’t Styles an absolute ordeal of a human being by now? Keith Richards, at a comparable stage, imagined himself the pirate leader of a travelling nation-state, unbound by international law. Elton John was on vast amounts of cocaine. Meanwhile, here’s Harry, known in the music industry as a bit of a freak, medically, having maintained abnormally high levels of civility in his system. 

Styles tilts his head, flattered. There are others, he promises. “People who are successful, and still nice. It’s when you meet the people who are successful and aren’t nice, you think: What’s yer excuse? Cos I’ve met the other sort.”

Styles read Keith Richards’ autobiography a while back, and he recently finished Elton’s, too. (“Soooo much cocaine,” he marvels.) We talk for a bit about whether extreme dissolute behaviour and artistic greatness go hand in hand. Styles, who has just released his second solo album, Fine Line, the penultimate track of which is called Treat People With Kindness, has to hope not. “I just don’t think you need to be a dick to be a good artist. But, then, there are also a lot of good artists who are dicks. So. Hmm. Maybe I need to start scaring babies in supermarkets?” 

A couple of lads hustle over to offer drinks. A photo is requested; they say they’ll wait. I’m weirdly anxious about Styles’s phone, which is slung on the table in front of him. What must be the black-market value of that thing? If fans were to get hold of it, would they want to open Styles’s music app first, to listen to tracks from the new album, or rush to see his messages and calls, to find out who Styles has been flirting with late at night? The interest in his music has always run at a ratio of about 50/50 with the interest in who he is dating.

It’s a ratio Styles tries to adjust in favour of the music by being vague about his ex-partners, real and rumoured (Taylor Swift, Kendall Jenner, Parisian model Camille Rowe), diverting to discuss his songs about failed relationships. A year ago, when Styles was floating around near this pub in north London, where he lives, and California, where he tends to record, looking for inspiration for the new album, his close friend Tom Hull told him: “Just date amazing women, or men, or whatever, who are going to fuck you up… Let it affect you and write songs about it.” 

Styles, who writes in collaboration with Hull and producer Tyler Johnson, sounds as if he took the advice. The new album, Fine Line, is at its best when capturing late-hours moments, drunk calls, “wandering hands”, kitchen snogs. A golden-haired lover recurs. There are up tracks, down tracks, some with the trippy delirium of harpsichord-era Stones, others with the angsty Britpop swell of strings. While I listened, I couldn’t help scribbling down names, possible subjects. On the lyric “There’s a piece of you in how I dress” I wrote: maybe Kendall? In a song about a lover “way too bright for me”: surely Taylor.

Styles says he keeps to a general rule: write what comes and don’t think about it too much afterwards. The only time he worries about an individual lyric is if it risks putting an ex in a difficult position. “If a song’s about someone, is that fine? Or is that gonna get annoying for them, if people try to decipher it?” Has he ever got that judgment call wrong and taken a bollocking from an angry ex? Styles raises an eyebrow. “Maybe ask me in a month.” 

I quiz him on something I’ve often wondered about. Why are the very famous so inclined to hook up with the very famous? From the outside it looks twice the hassle, with twice the odds of ending badly. “Don’t we all do that, though?” Styles asks. “Go into things that feel relatively doomed from the start?” I ask him why he doesn’t date normals. He seems tickled: “Um. I mean, I do. I have a private life. You just don’t know about it.” 

Styles doesn’t particularly like being asked about his love life, but is amused all the same, as he is about most things. When I ask about the logistics of someone as well known as him dating someone anonymous (“Do you need to give them, like, some sort of primer?”), Styles snorts with laughter. 

“Uh-h-h. Like any conversation, I guess, it’s easier if you’re honest. But I try to let it come up when it comes up. Cos that’s a weird thing to talk about, y’know? If you’ve just started seeing someone, and you’re, like: [he adopts a throaty, mission-briefing voice] So! This is what’s gonna happen!” Styles holds out his hands: no, ta. “I don’t wanna have that conversation, man. It would be fucking weird.” 

And not very sexy, I say.

“Not sexy,” Styles says, “no.”

A quick aside about his accent, which is hard to capture in print. (“Nat sexy, no.”) After a workout in a hotel gym recently, Styles says he was taken aback (“taken abeck”) to be asked by a stranger whether he was speaking in a fake voice. He was appalled. But after so long crossing borders and time zones, living and working between England and the US, the accent has undergone a jazzy remix, and tends to get farthest from its Cheshire roots when he’s around strangers. Once Styles begins to get comfortable in the pub, the flatter, no-nonsense sounds of his youth return. Nowpe he says, for nope. Fook, for fuck.

“What the fook are they?” This was the response of his childhood pals, he remembers, back in the village of Holmes Chapel, when little Harry had the gumption to show up in the playground wearing Chelsea boots instead of the approved chunky trainers. Styles’s parents had separated when he was very young, but there is no origin-story trauma: he has always stayed close to both. His mother, Anne, would praise his singing voice in the car, and when Styles was 16 it was agreed he could audition for a singing contest on TV.

“The craziest part about the whole X Factor thing,” says Styles, who auditioned for the ITV reality show in 2010, “is that it’s so instant. The day before, you’ve never been on telly. Then suddenly…” Suddenly you’re a piece of national property. “You don’t think at the time, ‘Oh, maybe I should keep some of my personal stuff back for myself.’ Partly because, if you’re a 16-year-old who does that, you look like a jumped-up little shit. Can you imagine? ‘Sorry, actually, I’d rather not comment…’ You don’t know what to be protective of.”

By the winter of 2010, Styles was a fan favourite, a key member of One Direction, a five-piece that enjoyed enormous national exposure and gathered millions of fans before any music had been released. Cameras filmed every part of their rise. There wasn’t any time in the dark to practise, test things out, mentally brace. “We didn’t get to dip in a toe,” Styles says. “But, listen, I was a kid, all I knew was: I didn’t have to go to school any more. I thought it was fucking great.” He remembers having a lot of fun, and being well taken care of. He jokes: “Maybe it’s something I’ll have to deal with a bit later. When I wake up in my 40s and think: Arrrggh.”

In February 2012, One Direction were feted at the Brit Awards, hours before they were due to fly to the US for the first time. On TV that night they looked young, silly, chuffed – on the precipice of something huge, and with no clue at all. Their subsequent wonder-run (five platinum albums, four world tours) had its foundations in their ridiculous popularity in the States. Right away, Styles remembers, “We were fuelling a machine. Keeping the fire going.” He remembers it as a stimulating time; maybe overstimulating. “Coming out of it, when the band stopped, I realised that the thing I’d been missing, because it was all so fast paced, was human connection.”

I first met Styles in 2014, around the time the lack of human connection was starting to bite. One Direction were promoting their penultimate album and I’d been commissioned to write about themthe Guardian. Management felt the boys were so exhausted that my minutes in their presence had to be strictly counted. Inside a circle of cripplingly hot lights, while someone ran the stopwatch, we interacted as humanly as we could.

I remember how jaded the best singer in the group, Zayn Malik, seemed. (Malik was weeks away from quitting.) I also remember how flattered and bewildered the others were to be asked a few grownup questions – and not what Louis Tomlinson would later describe to me as “who’s-your-favourite-superhero… all that shit”. Styles was watchful and quiet that day. By total chance, a week later, we were in the same London cafe and he tapped my shoulder. He was having lunch with friends. “Will ya join us?” 

t struck me as a quietly classy move. I was fascinated to see him interact with mates he’d chosen for himself. Styles was dry and funny, older than his years. After lunch we said the usual things about keeping in touch, and followed each other on Twitter. I kept an eye on his updates, about leaving One Direction, releasing an impressive, self-titled debut album in 2017, playing for 36,000 people in Madison Square Garden in New York, acting in Christopher Nolan’s Oscar-nominated war movie Dunkirk. Meanwhile, I did my best to manage the mess that had been made of my own account after Styles’s Twitter follow ignited a small explosion of teenage longing in my mentions. For at least a year I received weekly, sometimes daily, pleas from people who wanted messages conveyed to “H”. Still now, every few days, fans in America, Asia and Europe follow me to “see what H sees” in their timeline. 

He has around 50 million social media followers, and with that comes the ability to ripple the internet like somebody airing a bedsheet. I’ve noticed, though, how rarely Styles directs people to support specific causes, last doing so in 2018, when he encouraged people to join a march against gun violence. Why don’t you use your influence more, I ask? “Because of dilution. Because I’d prefer, when I say something, for people to think I mean it.” He runs his fingertips across the table. “To be honest, I’m still searching for that one thing, y’know. Something I can really stand up for, and get behind, and be like: This Is My Life Fight. There’s a power to doing the one thing. You want your whole weight behind it.”

It’s one of the things that sets Styles apart, the way he puts his whole weight behind the different aspects of this strange job. If you watch footage of him as a guest host on Saturday Night Live last month, Styles plunges in, fully inhabiting the silliness of every sketch. He has good songs in his repertoire (2017’s ballad Sign Of The Times stands out), and would probably admit to some middling songs that attest to his relative inexperience as a writer. But whichever of his songs Styles performs, he goes all-in, trusting that his zest and energy will hold an audience’s attention. He approaches this interview in roughly the same spirit, not enjoying every question, fidgeting, pleading for clemency once or twice, but giving everything due consideration.

I bring up something Styles joked about earlier: the possibility of waking up in his 40s with deferred mental health problems.

“Mm,” he says

Have you thought about therapy, I ask, to get ahead of that?

“I go,” he says. “Not every week. But whenever I feel I need it. For a really long time I didn’t try therapy, because I wanted to be the guy who could say: ‘I don’t need it.’ Now I realise I was only getting in my own way.” He shrugs. “It helps.”

Lately he’s been reading a lot (Lisa Taddeo’s Three Women stood out). He’s watched a lot of Netflix (crime thrillers and music docs). He recently cried through Slave Play on Broadway. I sense in Styles, at 25, a pent-up undergraduate hunger, maybe a desire to make up for lost time. “I’ve definitely been wanting to learn stuff, try stuff,” he says. “Things I didn’t grow up around. Things I’d always been a little bit sceptical about. Like therapy, like meditation. All I need to hear is someone saying, ‘Apparently, it’s amazing’, and I’ll try it. When I was in Los Angeles once, I heard about juice cleanses. I thought, yeah, I’ll do a juice cleanse.”

How messy were the results?

“You mean…?” Styles raises an eyebrow, recalling the poos. “They were all right. I was just hungry. And bored.”

One notable feature of Styles’s solo career has been his headlong embrace of unconventional clothing. A 2017-18 tour could have been sponsored by the Dulux colour wheel: mustard tones in Sydney, shocking pink in Dallas. In a more serious sense, some of Styles’s choices have fed into an important political discussion about gendered fashion. In May, as a co-host at the Met Gala in New York, he stepped out in a sheer blouse and a pearl earring. One evening’s work challenged a lot of stubborn preconceptions about who gets to wear what.

He says: “What women wear. What men wear. For me it’s not a question of that. If I see a nice shirt and get told, ‘But it’s for ladies.’ I think: ‘Okaaaay? Doesn’t make me want to wear it less though.’ I think the moment you feel more comfortable with yourself, it all becomes a lot easier.”

What do you mean, I ask?

Styles is leaning forward, hands folded around his cup of tea. “A part of it was having, like, a big moment of self-reflection. And self-acceptance.” He has a habit, when he’s made a definitive statement, of raising his chin and nodding a little, as if to decide whether he still agrees with himself. “I think it’s a very free, and freeing, time. I think people are asking, ‘Why not?’ a lot more. Which excites me. It’s not just clothes where lines have been blurred, it’s going across so many things. I think you can relate it to music, and how genres are blurring…”

Sexuality, too, I say.

“Yep,” says Styles. “Yep.”

There’s a popular perception, I say, that you don’t define as straight. The lyrics to your songs, the clothes you choose to wear, even the sleeve of your new record – all of these things get picked apart for clues that you’re bisexual. Has anyone ever asked you though?

“Um. I guess I haaaaave been asked? But, I dunno. Why?”

You mean, why ask the question?

“Yeah, I think I do mean that. It’s not like I’m sitting on an answer, and protecting it, and holding it back. It’s not a case of: I’m not telling you cos I don’t want to tell you. It’s not: ooh this is mine and it’s not yours.”

What is it then?

“It’s: who cares? Does that make sense? It’s just: who cares?”

I suppose my only question, then, is about the stuff that looks like clue dropping. Because if you don’t want people to care, why hint? Take the album sleeve for Fine Line. With its horizontal pink and blue stripes, a splash of magenta, the design seems to gesture at the trans and bisexual pride flags. Which is great – unless the person behind it happens to be a straight dude, sprinkling LGBTQ crumbs that lead nowhere. Does that make sense?

Styles nods. “Am I sprinkling in nuggets of sexual ambiguity to try and be more interesting? No.” As for the rest, he says, “in terms of how I wanna dress, and what the album sleeve’s gonna be, I tend to make decisions in terms of collaborators I want to work with. I want things to look a certain way. Not because it makes me look gay, or it makes me look straight, or it makes me look bisexual, but because I think it looks cool. And more than that, I dunno, I just think sexuality’s something that’s fun. Honestly? I can’t say I’ve given it any more thought than that.”

In our musty corner of the pub we’ve somehow passed a couple of hours in intense discussion. We’ll lighten up, before Styles heads home, with some chat about clever films (Marriage Story), stupider viral videos (the little boy who’s just learned the word “apparently”), that favourite-superhero stuff that, after all, has its place. He talks about the curious double time scheme of a pop star’s life – those crammed 18-hour days and then the sudden empty off-time when Styles might find himself walking miles across London to buy a book, afterwards congratulating himself: “Well, that’s an hour filled.”

Before we stand up I ask if he’s minded any of my questions.

He pushes out his lips, possibly recalling them one by one, then shakes his head. “What I would say, about the whole being-asked-about-my-sexuality thing – this is a job where you might get asked. And to complain about it, to say you hate it, and still do the job, that’s just silly. You respect that someone’s gonna ask. And you hope that they respect they might not get an answer.”

I tell him I do.

“Cool.”

Styles has to find those lads who wanted a photo. He scoops his phone off the table and flicks his thumb around the screen. Lately, he says, when he messes around on his phone in an idle moment, it’s mostly to look at videos – clips that his friends have sent him, in which their kids sing along to music he’s made. “Never gets old,” Styles says, beaming.

A few years ago, when he emerged from the boyband, blinking, shattered, he set himself three tasks: prioritise friends, learn how to be an adult, achieve a proper balance between the big and the small. Full stadiums, provocative outfits – Styles genuinely loves these things. “But I guess I’ve realised, as well,” he says, “that the coolest things are not always the cool things. Do you know what I mean?” He grabs his parka and his phone and, a little stooped, heads for home.

[purplesurveys]

959

Do you have one of those calendars that have a word of the day? No but I have a plug-in dashboard on Chrome that used to give me motivational quotes every day. I’m not into that though so I’ve turned off the quote feature.

Do you sleep with your bra on? I used to, back when I was still in school and I’d often arrive home too tired to even change clothes. I usually immediately headed to bed.

Do you know how tall you are barefoot? 5′1″.

Is one of your friends bugging you right now? None of them are but work is super hectic at the moment. I really shouldn’t be even taking this survey rn HAHAHAHAHA brb

Would you rather do 10 push-ups or sit-ups? Sit-ups. My arms wobble real bad when I do push-ups and more often than not I end up crashing to the floor, ha.

Do you like Snoop Dogg? He’s alright. He hasn’t done anything to piss me off, I think.

What time did you wake up today? I started waking up at around 7:30 but I wasn’t properly up until around 7:50ish since that’s the time I usually get up from bed to prepare for work.

Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? I don’t really think of where I’ll be, I simply hope. And in 10 years I hope I’m happy and for things to have fallen more into place than they are now.

When this survey was created, was it your birthday or anyone's you know? I have no idea when this was made, I just got it from someone else.

Will you be seeing the movie Kung Fu Panda 2? I’ve never seen anything from that franchise.

Do you rate every survey after you take one? I don’t really get to do that on Tumblr, so. 

Where do you buy your groceries? My parents do the groceries either at SM or a local store that we have. It’s usually between those two.

Is there a song that always makes you sad? Yes. I can’t listen to O by Coldplay without feeling sad because that’s all I listened to during my great big depression slump of 2016.

Have you ever been searched by the cops? Nopes.

Do you call anyone by their last name? Kinda. Denise’s nickname is Mils, but Mils is a shortcut for her surname.

How's life for you? Not being very kind, but I can’t do anything at the moment.

Have you ever taken a survey with 1,000 questions? I probably did when I was new to surveys and was way more enthusiastic about the longer ones. These days I’d rather stay within the 50–70 range lol.

Are you holding onto someone you shouldn't? Yeah but I’m working on it.

Do you own any silly bandz? As a kid I did. Not anymore.

What's your favorite type of Doritos? I just like the most basic one. I think it’s called Nacho Cheese.

Have you ever had fruit pizza? No thanks.

Have you seen any of the Step Up movies? I don’t think so. They never looked appealing to me.

Do you have Twitter? I do but I’m deactivated for now. Too boring the last few weeks and I’m in the mood for a social media detox anyway, so it’s out the door for now.

Do you think slang words were created because people are lazy? That’s a good possible reason. It’s also a way to get creative.

What color was the last pen you wrote in? Black. Always my preferred ink. I always feel off when I have a pen with blue ink; it always has to be black for me.

Do you like chocolate or vanilla pudding better? I’ve never had pudding but I would prefer to try chocolate if I had to have one for the first time. 

Do you have any warts? Nope.

What color do you like better: Brown or Gray? I’d go with brown. Gray seems a little bleak and sad to me. 

Would you rather marry Taylor Lautner or get a million dollars? Shittiest deal ever lol, give me the damn money. I love Twilight but I wouldn’t go that far lol

Ever had frozen yogurt? No. I don’t like yogurt, got traumatized by it from a young age so it’s a straight no for me.

What brand of jeans do you usually wear? I don’t really look at brands when it comes to jeans. If they fit me well and I think they’re cute, I get them.

Do you drink Dr. Pepper? I’ve never had it, but seeing as it’s soda I doubt I would enjoy it.

Do you like bears? Sure! I’ve only heard of bears being super gentle around humans, and I think that’s adorable.

What laughing thing do you use? (Lmao, lol, haha..) I use HAHA with close friends. The more HA’s, the more likely I actually laughed out loud in real life. Haha is to just sound chill whether with acquaintances or friends and to show I’m not pissed. LOL/lol and lmao are fillers.

Are you polite? Always, unless I have a valid excuse not to be.

Have your parents ever crashed a date? No. They wouldn’t be the type to, either. They like to stay out of my business, which I appreciate.

Do you have curtains in your bedroom? I have pull-down shades, not curtains.

Do you watch the show The Hard Times of RJ Berger? I’ve never heard of it. But may I recommend the song Hard Times by Paramore.... ;) Hahaha. Gotta plug my faves any time I can.

Have you seen the movie Easy A? I’ve never seen the whole thing but 2010 Tumblr used to be populated with so many gifsets and photosets that I might as well have seen the movie. That’s the movie that got me to hear about Emma Stone for the first time.

What color are your best friends eyes? Dark brown.

What does your pillow case look like? They’re the same design as my bedsheet, which has a multi-colored geometric print.

LOL is getting old, agree? I’m still using it and so are a bunch of people, so I think you’re wrong there.

Megan Fox or Mila Kunis Mila Kunis a thousand times over! < Big this.

If you could, would you erase all of your mistakes and regrets? Some.

[stragglewort]

Ghoul Parade -- “3.) Cellar Racket”

Photo by Library of Congress - “[Collection storage area showing archival boxes for visual material collections]”, 2010

________________________________________________________________

        When James said his apartment was a library – Joshua didn’t think he meant it literally.

        So, it was to his complete (though ultimately unsurprised) shock when he found the two of them rolling up to the prestigious Suffolk County Public Library – though they bypassed the grace and culture of the main building completely and instead wandered around to the back.

        The broad cellar doors didn’t exactly scream homely. If he didn’t know James already, he might’ve tried his chances politely excusing himself from the situation and never coming back. But James seemed very sure, and he’d realized his mistake that was carpooling. He wasn’t exactly in the state to go walking home on his own.

        “Is this your…?” Joshua asked, his voice trailed as he watched his friend struggle to flip open a broad metal door.

        “Home sweet home.” James finished the sentence for him. “I know, I know. Industrial chic isn’t really my style. But the doors were the one thing Evie wouldn’t let me change.”

        “Evie?”

        “Evie Collins – Head Librarian extraordinaire!” He waved a hand in a sarcastic flourish, dropping the hatch onto the ground with a harsh thud. “…And my landlord. Great lady, really. I have no idea how she’s managed it, but she’s always there to keep my living quarters all in the up-and-up.” He chimed, his voice getting quieter as he disappeared down the cold steps. Joshua hesitated before he realized his friend wasn’t slowing down. Ducking down the hatch himself, he made sure to close the door behind him.

        Funny, it wasn’t as heavy as he’d made it look.

        The main room of the basement was stacked with shelves upon shelves of old books and neatly labeled boxes. The tags shifted from old, withered containers with cursive dates to plastic totes stuck with label-maker prints. How much stuff was the library hiding? It was a treasure trove of old (sometimes nearly ancient) texts he could’ve spent hours looking through. Except it’s hard reading labels when the lights get shut off. The whole basement was flooded with a stagnant darkness and he nearly tripped over himself –

        “What the he- James, what are you doing?” He yelled, balancing against one the of shelves.

        “Oh, shush! It might be a drab basement storage room, but we’re still in a library.” James had also started yelling, just as loudly. “Can you see me?”

        “What? No, of course I can’t –“

        “It doesn’t help if you don’t try.” His voice echoed off the concrete walls and metal shelves – in the dark it was a bit disorienting. “How about now?”

        Joshua groaned, shaking his head. He squinted his eyes (which didn’t do anything except make him feel like he was focusing. It was still pitch black) and looked around, trying to divine a hint of substance out of the dark. It didn’t take him too long to realize that – though he couldn’t see James – he could hear him. Even stranger was that if he really concentrated, he could nearly smell him. 

        Warm vanilla – who would’ve guessed?

        His breath was staggeringly clear. Even more obviously he could hear a distinctly warm, organic kind of thudding. A thumping. He realized it was a heartbeat and quite clearly it wasn’t his own. In his shock the sound wavered, fading from his senses.

        “What on earth…?” He held his breath and shut his eyes. He tried refocusing and it didn’t take long before he could hear that warm thudding and smell faint waft of whatever sugary cologne James had on. Using the metal shelves as a balancing guide he worked his way through the pitch black – following the heartbeat that seemed to get louder with every step. Sooner than later it was all he could hear. He realized he was standing right behind his friend – the only other noise being the dim electric buzzing of what he could only assume was the levered light switch. What struck him was that James didn’t seem to make the same realization. A fuzzed, incoherent but overwhelming thought shot through his mind. A voice speaking that wasn’t his own, commanding him to do something he couldn’t understand but perfectly realized all in seconds. His mouth watered and his stomach seemed to growl – that unknown, commanding voice got louder. But no matter how loud it got, the rest of him was too sick and too confused to act.   

        “…What?” He whispered, involuntarily. Less to himself or James and more to that forceful whisper shooting through his mind.

        James nearly shrieked. “Whoa – Okay! Hello!” His voice bounced in a startled chuckle. He flailed his arms in the dark before planting them firmly on Joshua’s shoulders. The second James started speaking, the voice quieted. “Hello! I didn’t see you there. Really rude just sneaking up on someone like that!” He coughed, evening the pitched anxiety out of his voice. “How did you manage that?”

        “I – I don’t know.” Joshua’s voice drew out, confused. “I just. I could hear you.”

        “I do have a great yelling voice.”

        “No, I mean your heartbeat. I could hear your heartbeat.”

        “Oh.” James paused, going completely silent. “Something in me hoped this wouldn’t work.”

        “Excuse me? James, turn on the –“ There was a quick metallic noise as James flipped a short lever. A flash of industrial lighting flooded the room, nearly blinding them both.

        “I have some fantastic news for you.” James paused, thoughtfully. “Well, you might find it a lot less fantastic – but that’s not for me to decide, hm?”

        Joshua shook the rest of the strange fogginess from his mind, wiping some drool from his mouth he hadn’t realized was there. “What is it?”

        “I can imagine you’ve heard of vampires?”

                                                                  ###

          “Honestly I thought it was all pretty impossible myself –“ James went off on a tangent, dragging his friend through the maze of shelves and boxes. “Vampires! Those are fairytales, monsters! Boogymen don’t exist! See? I can just hear you just saying it now.” James was hardly an impressionist – but as demeaning as it was, he wasn’t wrong. Joshua wasn’t keen to believe most things that came out of his mouth. Let alone this. “But you have to hear me out – when you called me up you said you were attacked, yeah?”

        “Yes, Lottie did… something.”

        “I’m guessing that ‘something’ has to do with all that stuff around your neck?” James tugged a little at the gauze around Joshua’s throat – getting his hand promptly swatted away. “How’d she do it? Pulled you into the alley? Asked you out for drinks? I always knew you two had something going on but I would’ve never guessed it was for some monstrous scheme –“

        “Lord, no!” Joshua exclaimed. “No, Lottie and I didn’t have a ‘thing’. She is – was – my PA. That’s completely unprofessional!”

        “Ah, just a little deadly assault in the street and you’re already pulling out the ‘was’ word. That’s a little cold, Jo.” James hummed. Joshua couldn’t remember the last time he’d called him ‘Jo’, but that was aside from the point. “Anyway! You were attacked in the street – blood-loss like you’ve never felt, yeah? And then all of a sudden you come calling me up days later saying you need some advice. Now, your asking me for advice was when I knew something must’ve gone very wrong.”        

        “I know the story, James.”

        “Ah, but you don’t believe me yet.” He sighed; a wry though undeniably poise grin stretched across his face. “I’m about to get to the fun part.”

________________________________________________________________

[wintersxsoul]

You Saw Me (8)

Summary: You have the life you’d always dreamt of. The job of your dreams, the perfect boyfriend and the best group of friends. But what happens when that life is not enough and your soulmate is not who you thought it would be?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Warnings: A bit of angst, a bit of fluff.

A/N: My lovely @all1e23 is the beta for this series so give her some love because she has to put up with my infinite bullshit because my brain was fried. A reblog and comment are always appreciated and what feeds my soul to keep writing. I hope you enjoy this as much as I am. In order to be tagged, please send an ask, I won’t be counting comments/reblogs or pm, I am a mess and forget it so please do it!

“Do you expect her to forgive us all just because she found her soulmate?” Nat told Bucky, more concerned about you than she was about her friend.

“This is all my fault and I just dragged you all into this mess, whenever she is ready, I’ll explain everything.”

“What do you mean with that? You didn’t tell her?” Nat stared at Bucky wide eyed, panic evident in her eyes. Bucky shook his head sadly and before he could say something, Nat cut him off.

“James Buchanan Barnes, you are telling me she doesn’t know anything? It’s been days since the night you spoke to her, what are you waiting for?” She paced the room, wondering how they could tell you the truth without hurting your feelings immensely. Your entire group, even Jake, knew about Bucky being your soulmate, but they were all forced to keep it a secret for your own good, or at least that’s what Bucky thought it was best for you.

“This has been going on for too long, if you don’t tell her tonight, I will. I can’t keep lying to her face.”

“I will, I just...I don’t know how she will take it, Tash.”

Everyone was telling Bucky what to do and what to feel, how to carry the burden of an unrequired soulmate and as much as he wanted to tell you, every time he made up his mind after seeing you smile at Jake. How could he break his friends heart just as much as it broke Nat’s?

It was something heavy to carry and every time he overheard you talking about Jake and you being soulmates...he just couldn’t. He knew you deserved to know the truth and forcing the group to keep it quiet was the most stupid thing he had ever asked for, but as years went by, everything just got messier.

“Buck, this has been going on for far too long, you gotta tell her, you need to.” Steve cornered him in your kitchen the night they all came to help you pack your apartment.

“Steve don’t fucking start, she is living her life and she is doing good without me. Why would I tell her now?” Bucky muttered angrily, the words coming out harsher than he intended to.

“Can’t you see how miserable this whole situation is making her? Just look at her for fucks sake.” Steve pointed at you slyly and when Bucky turned his head towards you, his heart ached. You were about to cry, your eyes clearly puffy and tired probably from crying and the lack of sleep. You were talking with Sam, and even though you were trying to hide what you were feeling, your smile never reached your eyes like it used to.

“I can’t do this to Jake, and you know it.”

“You’ve been saying the same shit for over nine years Buck, I think you should look for a better excuse…” Bucky huffed heavily and felt your gaze across the room, so he just looked at his best friend and nodded.

“I’ll find the right moment to tell her, okay?”

“Now it’s not the time to wonder how she will take it because we all know how this is gonna unfold, but it’s the time to tell her the fucking truth.”

-

Even though nothing had changed, everything felt different, you felt a bit different. That consuming pain you felt every time you looked at Jake’s photos had disappeared and had been replaced by nostalgic sighs and adoringly smiles.

The uncertainty was still there, the feeling of something missing, the feeling you knew it would never disappear as long as you stayed at your energy consuming job.

You dropped your tired body in your chair, finally enjoying the quietness of your office. You had a huge stack of exams to correct and at least twenty emails from students to reply to. You were waiting for Nat’s text to pop up so she could drag you out of the office to take you to the bar like she did every Friday night, but she never texted. You unlocked your phone to text her but Bucky’s reply to your text popped up first. After that night in the park, you’d been texting each other for weeks, getting to know the other a bit more since you really knew shit about him even though you’d known him for years.

You smiled at his last text and locked your phone again, your heart racing at the thought of spending the night with Bucky alone, since it was probably the first time ever you’d be meeting as friends. Almost twenty minutes later, Bucky was waiting for you in his car. You packed all your stuff as fast as you could and got to the parking lot, an apology ready because you made him wait. As soon as you got to the car and opened the door, all the words left your brain. He had bought two pizzas from your favorite place and cold beers, a huge smile was plastered on his lips when he noticed your sweet smile and your sparkling eyes.

“If you don’t get in the car, they will warm up and beer sucks when it’s not cold.” You nodded in agreement while you dropped your stuff on the backseat and sat next to Bucky. He looked at you, his heart aching at the thought of all he had done wrong to you.

The ride home was silent, not because you didn’t wanna talk but because none of you had the need to fill the silence with empty words or small talk. You both knew how the day went for the other because you never stopped talking.

In just a few weeks, Bucky became a very special person in your life, and you wondered how you could’ve been so blind and oblivious, how you missed all the sweetness and kindness that was inside him. The only time you caught a glimpse of that side of him was during his play at the opening of the academy, a moment you haven’t been able to forget, a strange feeling that still lingers in you.

While having dinner, Bucky was talking about Nat’s idea to start ballet lessons in the academy since she’d been a dancer her whole life. She always had early lectures at the University so she could do both jobs, and they parents had actually demanded those lessons when they discovered Bucky was friends with Natasha Romanoff.

“Do you think she is unhappy teaching Art?” You asked him, trying to have some opinions because Nat was sometimes like a closed book.

“No, she loves it, but she needs something else. She’s never been a conformist so maybe this will help her.” He took a bite of his portion of pizza and smiled at you with his cheeks stuffed, making you giggle. He then swallowed and his whole expression changed, a more serious aura enveloping him.

“Are you happy?” Your eyes widened at the unexpected question, almost making you choke with your own spit. You took a sip of your beer and looked at him, a sad glance telling Bucky all he wanted to know. You shook your head softly and shrugged.

“I mean, I should be. But I guess this is all I’ve got.” Bucky started shaking his head disapprovingly, frowning deeply at something he was thinking probably.

“You deserve so much more, Y/n. You deserve a life full of joy and happiness. Darlin’, you deserve the whole fucking world.” You smiled but it never reached your eyes and Bucky noticed. He sighed deeply and gulped, taking your hand in his, caressing the back of it with his thumb.

“You also deserve to know the truth.” It was now your time to frown, wondering what he meant. He let go of your hand and turned around slightly, showing you his back. He pulled his shirt up to show a little tattoo he had on his shoulder blade.

“What is this, Buck?” You graced your fingertips on the white numbers, the date seeming familiar. 17th of October, 2010. Why did it seem so familiar?

Bucky moved to his initial position to look at you again, his glossy eyes and reddish cheeks indicating that something wasn’t going well. He wiped a silent tear that fell from his eye, a wave of sadness washing over you, confusing you even more. You frowned and huffed, frustrated with yourself for the odd feelings you were having.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” Your concern could be noted on your trembling voice, and Bucky’s heart broke, because he knew there was no going back after he opened the mouth.

“That’s the date I first saw you, the day I found my soulmate.”

[nothingeverlost]

Fic: The Evolution of Thanksgiving (Penny For your Thoughts)

Thanksgiving prompt #1

@halfwayinlight asked for pennyverse, perhaps the greatest dividing line every thanksgiving: can Christmas trees and decor go out before thanksgiving is over?  timeline: whenever it fits. but if belle’s not there, I might need a consolation belle thanksgiving with granny looking out for her _____________________________________ 2009

II

“Mary Margaret wants to know if you have plans for dinner on Thursday.”  David caught up with her before she made it to the elevator.  

“Thursday is Thanksgiving.”  She’d been invited over for dinner twice since she’d joined the team, but not for a holiday.

“Yeah, I know it’s not a thing in Australia but you’ve been here for quite a while.  Emma always comes over with Henry.  Graham’s coming.  And Gabe, of course.  What do you say?”

“How can I say no to my first Thanksgiving meal?”  She had her dad had never bothered with the American holiday but it was a good chance to be with her coworkers outside of work.  And a chance to spend time with Gabe and see him somewhere less formal.  “What can I bring?”

II

“So where do you stand, Belle?  Decorations before Thanksgiving are wrong, or can the tree go up before the turkey is carved.”  The way Emma shook her head made it clear which side she stood on.

“I love Christmas decorations.  I have to confess mine are up already.”  Belle took a sip of the very excellent wine she was drinking.  Gabe had a whole cellar, apparently, and had bought three bottles for the six of them.

“I feel the same, Belle.  But David likes to wait until December.  We compromise and wait until tomorrow.”  Mary Margaret folded her napkin neatly on the table.  “Now who’s ready for pie?”

“Ice cream,” Henry demanded from his booster seat before breaking out into ‘Frosty the snowman,’ and making it clear where he stood in the debate.

“Let me help,” Gabe offered.  Belle wondered where he stood on the decoration debate, or if he put up a tree at all.  

II

2010

II

“Happy Thanksgiving.”  Belle pulled up in front of the house the same time as Archie, and hugged him briefly before picking up her basket of rolls and bag of presents.  

“Presents!”  David opened the door but Henry was the one to run out and greet them.  There wasn’t anything quite like a five-year-old throwing himself at you at high speed.  Thankfully she was braced for him, and a moment later David was there to offer to carry things so she could pick up the boy.

“Are they giving presents or do we have to wait for Christmas because that’s a really long time?”  Henry sighed just like his mother.

“They’re Christmas present that we open today.”  The declaration earned her a second hug before he wiggled to be let down.  

“Uncle Gabe we get presents,” he shouted excitedly before running into the house to spread the word.

“Isn’t it a little early for presents?” Gabe asked, waiting for them on the porch.   

“You’re sounding a little Scrooge-like, Gabe.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”  She hugged him, because she could.  He would allow that, but not the more intimate touches she craved.  He stubbornly insisted that dating him would be a terrible idea.  

“If anyone tries to haunt me I’ll take an Ambien and sleep through it.”  Archie slipped into the house first.  Belle followed, and almost thought she felt Gabe’s hand at the small of her back for a moment.

II

“It’s just something small.”  Henry had pleaded his case and Emma had reluctantly allowed him to open his gift before dinner, which meant that Belle passed them all out.  None of the boxes were bigger than a few inches except Henry’s, which was really two packages.

“Minions!”  Henry figured out how to shed the wrapping paper quickly and held a minion ornament in one hand and a book in the other.  Belle hadn’t known how interested he’d be in an ornament.

“What do you say, Henry?” Emma prompted.

“Thank you Miss Belle.”  A moment later Henry was on the floor, reading his Despicable Me book to his new friend.

“There’s a theme.”  She’d found ornaments for everyone.  For Emma a mug of hot cocoa (laced with cinnamon whiskey, of course.)  For Archie a tiny computer displaying a Christmas tree and wrapped up in lights.  For Mary Margaret a little house; when you turned it around you could see a table set for dinner. She was proud that she’d found a little fencer for David.  For Graham a tiny snowglobe with a wolf and a couple of trees inside.  And for Gabe a stack of books.  She’d used a gold pen to write ‘Feed the Madness’ on one of the books; it was the title of the book he’d published last year.  She’d gone to one of his book signings and had waited until the end to bring her book up, teasing him into signing it for her, and then teasing him into dinner after.

“I hope you have a place to hang it, Gabe.”  She stopped short of offering him a spot on her own tree.

“It will do nicely on the mantle.”  

“What time does Marley show up?” she teased.  

II

2011

II

“You look sleepy, love.  Too much decorating last night?”  Gabe pulled onto the street where David lived.

“It wasn’t the decorating that kept me up late, Gabriel.”  She felt a little warm just thinking about it.

“Was it my fault you looked so irresistible wearing nothing but a Santa hat?”  He sighed when she used his full name, which always abused her.  When she really wanted to tease she called him an angel.

“I was wearing a lot more before you started unwrapping me.”  They’d spent the whole day decorating not only a tree but the whole house.  She suspected it was the most decorating his house had seen.

“My favorite present to unwrap.”  There was still a space directly in front of the house.  Belle grabbed the cranberry sauce and left the rolls for Gabe.

“Play your cards right and you might get to unwrap your gift again tonight,” she promised.

II

After dinner Belle found Mary Margaret in the kitchen and picked up a towel to help with the drying.  Henry was sleeping on the couch between David and Emma, the only ones that cared about the football game.  Gabe and Graham were cleaning up the backyard.  Apparently it was the first and only time they were going to have a roasting pit outdoors for their dinner.  The neighbors had been far less impressed by Graham’s skills than his coworkers were.

“I don’t think I’ve had a chance to say how happy I am for you and Gabe.”  Mary Margaret passed her a plate.  “I’ve never heard him laugh as much as he did today.  There’s always been something so lonely about him and that’s gone now.”

“He makes me happy too.  I’ve never loved anyone like this.”  She wondered if this was what it would be like to have a big sister.  Mary Margaret didn’t bother drying her hands before giving her a tight hug.

II

2012

II

“Gabe…”

“No.”  The rest of the team was gone already but Gabe had enough files on his desk that he could push the workday a few more hours.  If he was tired enough he might sleep through the next day.

“Tomorrow…”

“The only turkey I’m interested in tomorrow is 101 proof.”  He turned back to his files, blocking any argument David might make.

II

2013

II

“You’re coming for dinner on Thursday. Granny says that the only excuse she’ll accept is if you’re going home to see your dad.”  Ruby showed up at the bar in the late afternoon, three days before Thanksgiving.  “Are you going home?”

“No, but I’m Australian, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.”  She hadn’t the year before.  She’d actually taken a two week trip up to Canada to avoid the day’s meaning completely, and had tried all day not to think of her friends gathered together.  She’d failed miserably, and called Archie that evening.  He’d let it slip that Gabe hadn’t shown up at the Nolan’s but that everyone else was there.

“So it’s just a huge meal with awesome food and a couple of good friends.”  Ruby touched one of the walls of the room; they’d painted them together not long ago.  Ruby had voted red but she’d gone with blue.  

“It’s sweet of you both but…”

“It’s just the three of us, after the diner is shut down.  There won’t be huge crowds or strangers.”  For the first six months she’d moved to town Belle and Ruby had been neighbors at the B&B.  It was harder to hide things from her.  “We’d really like you there.”

“Okay.”  Maybe it was time to start some new traditions.

II

2014

II

He stood on the front porch, a bag of store-bought rolls in his hand, for at least five minutes.  He was the last to arrive and could hear all the sounds from inside the house, the chaos that followed a three and nine year old and handful of adults.  Last year he’d scheduled a book tour that not-so-accidentally had him out of town on Thanksgiving.  This would be his first Thanksgiving in three years.

He wasn’t sure he could do it.

“They’ll be glad you’re here.”  Graham, as he did so often, seemed to materialize from out of nowhere.  He leaned against the porch railing.  

“I’m afraid I’m not very good at being thankful.”  Work he could manage.  He was getting better about not spending all of his time there, but a great deal of the time not spent at work was spent writing.  He managed the occasional dinner at David’s, the occasional drinks with the team, but the most social he got were nights when they were in another city with only the team for company.

“Henry asked if you’d be here.  He and Emma have a bet, and if nothing else you’ll make sure he gets an ice cream sundae if you go in.”  Graham hoisted himself up over the porch rail rather than walking over to the steps.  “She’s safe.  She’s alive.  That’s something, right?”

“Yeah.”  When Graham went inside he followed.

II

2015

II

“Turkey lasagna is my favorite Thanksgiving tradition.”  Belle opened the door to Ruby and Granny, inviting them in.  She’d insisted that after two years it was her turn to host.  Will had shown up an hour ago and was diligently tearing up the lettuce for their salad.  The table was set for four.

“There’s enough for the freezer.  It’s easy to microwave.  You’re still missing too many meals.”  Granny set the lasagna down so she had a free finger to wave in Belle’s direction.  “Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“Thank you for caring.”  She kissed Ruby’s granny on the cheek, knowing she only fussed over the people she loved, which meant she fussed about Ruby and Belle often.  

“How come no one worries about me missing meals?”  Will asked, half a roll in one hand and voice muffled by the bite he was currently chewing.  Belle rolled her eyes and reached for a bottle of wine.  

She paused to look at the picture hanging near her dining room table of her team; Gabe’s arm around her, Emma’s feet not on the floor as she balanced herself between Graham and David.  “Happy Thanksgiving.”

II

2017

II

“Are you sure about this?  If you’re uncomfortable at any point we can leave.”  He’d already reminded Bay a couple of times but he wanted to make sure the lad wasn’t overwhelmed.  The boy had been with him half a year and this was the first holiday.

“Graham said he’d be here.”  Other than himself Graham was the one that Bay had bonded with the most, thanks to the camping trips they took.

“He usually is, and if he said it to you he’ll be here.”  He’d missed last year, and hadn’t said anything about why but Gabe had his suspicions.  “And Henry as well.”

“I want to go.”  Bay was dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt that was starting to get short at the wrists.  It please Gabe to see that already in six months there were signs of him growing.  He was smaller than Henry despite being a year or so older, but good food and a safe place were doing their part to help him catch up.

“Okay.  Grab the rolls on the counter and let’s go.”  Belle had baked rolls every year.  Somehow the tradition had remained that he was in charge of them, though they were baked at a bakery now.

II

“Do you think they’re plotting something?”  Emma joined him at the kitchen window.  Graham was in the backyard with Henry and Bay, all three of them looking up to the sky.

“I believe I’ve heard the term ‘snow camping’ bandied about.”  Graham was so patient with the boys.

“Better them than me.  That sounds horrible.”  Emma shook her head.  “I’m thankful that I’m off that invite list.”

“I agree.”  He would need to get Bay a warmer jacket and some new boots.  He was also going to have to figure out how to make his foster situation something more permanent.

II

2018

II

“You didn’t have to come down here, it’s just a cold,” her father protested from his bed.

“Pneumonia is not the same as a cold.”  She’d spent a few hours in his shop, getting the last minute arrangements ready.  They closed the doors at noon, giving Belle enough time to stop by a deli to pick up a quart of chicken noodle soup and a turkey sandwich.

“That doctor was thirteen years old and probably still in school.”  Moe French’s argument was not made any stronger by the racking coughs that shook his whole bed.  “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“You’re my dad, I’m allowed to worry.”  She’d brought one of the folding tv trays into his room so she had someplace for her plate and drink.  “The shop’s looking good.”

“There’s always a place here for you, you know that right.”  Moe held the warm mug of soup to his chest.  “Maine’s too far away for my liking.”

“I have my bar and my friends.”  Will was watching the bar while she was gone.  He was probably better at it than she was; at least he wasn’t tempted to profile the customers.

“So you’re not planning to return to the Bureau?”  She was spared from answering when her dad started coughing again.  Returning to the FBI or to DC weren’t questions she’d answered for herself yet.

II

2019

II

“Can I get you a glass of wine?”  Mary Margaret greeted her at the front door before she even had a chance to knock.  “I just so happened to be looking out the window when you drove up.”

“Thanks, I’d love a glass.”  She had a basket of rolls with her and a tray of deviled eggs, and was glad to trade both for a wineglass.  It was only the third time she’d been in the Nolan’s house since she’d returned and the first holiday.  It felt strange and yet almost too familiar.  “Where is everyone?”

“Emma and Ariel are in the living room.  The kids are upstairs.”  She gestured towards the ceiling above their head, where a sudden shouting could be heard.

“David and Graham?”  They were usually trying to sneak something out of the kitchen.

“Like I said, the kids are upstairs.  We broke down and got Neal an XBox this year and now they’re all up there.”  Mary Margaret sighed.  “Books were so much quieter.”

“Gabe?”  She’d roll over in shock if she heard that he was playing or even watching video games.  Black and white movies were more his speed.

“Someone who shall remain nameless but whose name rhymes with avid forgot to pick up potatoes.  Gabe volunteered to run to the store.”

“You could say that, or you could say he dropped off a teenage boy and ran.”  Emma came into the kitchen with two empty wine glasses.  “Belle, thank god.  I was going to have to go get you if you didn’t come and Gold’s vintage crap seems more potent than normal wine.”

“I wouldn’t have missed this.”  She’d missed too many Thanksgivings. She’d decided to stay, and that didn’t mean just the job.  “Looks like I have some catching up to do.”

She had to agree with Emma that there seemed to be something in the wine.  Two glasses in and she was feeling pretty damn good.  The nerves that had plagued her before showing up were gone.  Three glasses in and she felt the need for fresh air.  She was sitting on the porch when Gabe returned with the potatoes.

“Mary Margaret’s knight in shining armor.”  She grinned up at him.  She missed looking at him.  Missed touching him too.  She reached up a hand to him and let him help her up.  It was a good thing for her questionable balance that she’d already abandoned her shoes inside, but it meant she had to stand on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.  “Happy Thanksgiving Gabe.”

II

2020

II

“It’s not my fault Neal really loves Christmas.”  The tree was already up when they arrived for Thanksgiving.  The moment they were in the door Bay raced up the stairs, seeking out Henry.  It probably wouldn’t be long before Neal followed, but for now he was sitting at the base of the tree, looking at the ornaments.  Belle smiled to see the little fencer and the house she’d gifted so many years ago.

“Our tree is up as well.”  Gabe tried to sound like he was grumbling but Belle could tell that he was really just reveling in saying ‘our.’  She’d given up her apartment at the end of the summer and moved in with him and Bay.

“Can I get anyone a glass of wine?” David offered.  When Gabe nodded Belle shook her head.

“My stomach is a little upset, I think I’ll make some tea.”

Later she found herself at the tree, looking at the ornaments collected over years of married life.  She felt Gabe behind her, and leaned back to rest against him.

“Feeling better, love?” he whispered in her ear.

“Feeling perfect.”  There was one more thing they had to be thankful for this year, but she planned on telling Gabe in private.  For now she rested her hand on her stomach and looked at the ‘baby’s first Christmas’ ornament hanging on the tree.  “Happy Thanksgiving sweetheart.”

[badbookreviewclub]

Complete Review - The Rose Council: The Kaiser Mage

DISCLAIMER: This review will contain spoilers. If you plan to read the book, I will leave a mark for when I go more in-depth on the book, so continue at your own risk. If you want to purchase The Rose Council: The Kaiser Mage, you can get it here.

The Rose Council, as far as I can find, is the first book published by Mark Bullock. On the cover, it states that it is book 1, presumably in a series, though after some extensive searching, I can’t find any sequels despite the book having been published in 2010. The book was published through AuthorHouse, a self-publishing company. I have spoken very briefly with the author about his work, considering that my Dad actually happens to be friends with Bullock. However, I will do my utmost to be unbiased and as professional as these reviews get by keeping any personal feelings I hold towards Bullock out of my review and commentary. Bullock has stated that he had the editors at AuthorHouse review his book and edit it, however, after looking through reviews of AuthorHouse’s services and their FAQ (link their FAQ), AuthorHouse only offers suggestions for edits. It is entirely up to the author if they wish to accept these edits. I have reason to believe, through a multitude of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes, that this book never made it past chapter 3 of editing, if it was even edited at all. It gets worse as it goes, which seems to defy all logic. As an author writes a book, especially for their first time around, you would assume that the book would get better as it goes with their skill in writing improving over time. The exact opposite happens in this book, and it gets so much worse than it started as it goes. Bullock has also stated that he did not review the book very many times himself or have others go over it very many times as it can “cause the book to lose its story.” It doesn’t take very long to find that this statement is more than just a little wrong. Tony Smith, the author of Fukushima and the Coming Tokyo Earthquake stated that an author should go over their book “Enough times that if someone would plagiarize your work you would recognize it instantly (source).” Most authors tend to agree with Smith, and if any author begins to hate their work from reading it so much or the words start to blur together, they should have a good, qualified, and supportive editor behind them. Not their friends acting as an editor, but an actual editor who went to school and studied the language the author is writing it well enough that they know the ins and outs of how words work together and how stories flow. A good editor will catch plotholes and inconsistencies; they will point out when your story is starting to flounder and fall apart; they will point out things that need to be cut and things that need to be elaborated on. If Bullock truly did have an editor, they were not a good one because none of these things happened, and if they did, I would absolutely hate to be the one to read through the first manuscript because The Rose Council: The Kaiser Mage was absolutely horrendous to read through and I can barely imagine what it would be like to edit it. To combat the point that the “book will lose its story” it doesn’t take very many brain cells to figure out that if you are losing your story through the editing process, then perhaps it wasn’t a good story to begin with. I have rarely met an author who goes with the first storyboard or plot they laid out, let alone continuing on without making a few or many tweaks to the story itself as they go. To simply go with the first idea that you have and believe that it doesn’t need to be changed is arrogant and childish. In the words of the true Queen, Hannah Montana, “Nobody’s perfect” and this could not be more true for books. A book is never completely perfect, they can be absolutely amazing works of art, but most authors will still find something wrong or something that they wish they could change. “I hope you’re plagued with dissatisfaction your whole life, that way you’ll always strive to do better.” -Bob Ross Bob Ross may not be an author, but a book is still a work of art. Perhaps not a painting or even a drawing, but it is still a piece of artwork that many people hold dear to them. Never think that you can’t improve because you always can. We can always strive to be a better version of ourselves and to put out better work. To believe you have reached perfection, that your work simply can’t improve is incredibly arrogant and reflects poorly on yourself and your work. You can be happy with your work and love it and believe it is good, but we can always do better. On from the rant, we come to the book itself. Little known and little shared book, The Rose Council: The Kaiser Mage. This book has yet to blow up in the mainstream like Empress Theresa for how horrible it is, which isn’t surprising. It’s rather hard to find on Amazon or really any website without searching directly for the title. I don’t know if I’m pleased about that or not, because, on Amazon, it had three reviews before I posted my own. They were all rated five stars, one of them from Bullock’s friend, another from his wife, and another from an account I can only assume is fake with the review having been bought by Bullock or made by him. Either way, they were all 5-stars, and I felt immense satisfaction when my review brought it down to 3-stars. One of the reviews is written far more eloquently than the actual book is, and it’s the fake review, posted by Amazon user ‘F1.4toF32’. The sole review on this user’s account is for the book. If you look at Amazon.uk and other international Amazon pages, this user’s review doesn’t actually exist. Wonder why that is? Maybe because it’s… oh, I don’t know… fake? A purchased review so Bullock could promote his book and make it look better? *Gasp* This wasn’t a good start for The Rose Council: The Kaiser Mage. If you look at the reviews through Barnes & Noble and Goodreads, Bullock or his wife have reviewed the book and left it a 5-star review. I understand that Franzi is supporting her husband in his endeavor to be a writer, and the sentiment is sweet, but it’s enabling his terrible, terrible writing. Bullock rating the book himself though is just rather arrogant and comes off as a piss-poor attempt to try and boost his book to get more readers. Boosting his book to get more readers is definitely the last thing that Bullock needs, however. Actually, no. Bullock needs more people to read his book so he can have his massive ego stomped on and dragged through the mud. Pride is one thing, an ego is another (Sorry, my personal feelings leaked in a bit there. Though I’m choosing to keep it in).  

The Rose Council: The Kaiser Mage is a fantasy novel, supposedly the first in a series of 7 according to the fake review. It contains a pitiful attempt at a ‘sex-scene’, which safely moves it out of the young-adult audience and into the adult audience. As such, that gives me free rein to have a no-holds-barred review. This collection of words so horrendous it can barely be called a book was made for adults and therefore, has no excuse for its god-awful writing; in the story, characters, and in the grammar of the book, it is truly terrible to the extent of being painful.

The Summary: After 3000 years of peace since the banning of the Gods, a balance is about to be tipped. David, an apprentice and son to the King’s High Enchanter, struggles with the destiny he is to fulfill as the bringer to find the next Kaiser Mage. Unfortunately, the struggle of the delicate balance favors against David, who by himself has little to no power. Unexpectedly, David has discovered a new gift that he must master to find the truth about himself. After a terrible accident, Franziska, a fellow apprentice who conceals a strong love for David, finds herself trailing in David’s shadow to keep him safe. The prophecies handed down through the ages are ambiguous, however, leading some to believe that it is Franziska, not David, who is the true Bringer of the next Kaiser Mage. It is a race against time and fate to bring forth the Kaiser Mage. This summary is terrible in a lot of ways. To start, a good summary will: - Contain the main points and don’t go beyond them - Be as brief as possible (e.g. Don’t get specific with dates, numbers, details unless they are necessary) 

- Give the basic information to interest a reader in the story 

- Be concise

- Isn’t revealing of important plot points (specifically pertains to works of fiction)(Video source)

Bullock’s summary, on the other hand, is: 

- Revealing of plot points

- Exposing content of the book that isn’t actually there (It’s fucking lying to you about the content of the book) 

- Setting up relationships (which should be set up in the story, not in the summary) 

- Confusing; I still don’t know entirely what the fuck a Kaiser Mage is and I read the entire book

- Exposing plot twists

The Lies: In the summary, we actually get a few lies. First, Franziska never conceals her love for David. She is more than open about it through the entire book, and her entire reason for being and existing is solely for David and to ‘help’ him. 

Second, nothing seems to be against David except Jason, a whiny brat who thinks that he’s entitled to everything and doesn’t even show up until about half-way into the book. Even then, Jason holds absolutely no pull with anyone or anything. He couldn’t even tell a fucking fly to piss off. Third, David never struggles with his destiny. In fact, he seems more than eager throughout the entire book to achieve it. 

Fourth, Franziska never follows in David’s shadow to try and protect him. In fact, she is quite literally ahead of him the entire time. (Also this is a bit nitpicky for me, but it’s weird that David and Franzi are in love because David is the name of Bullock’s son and Franzi is his wife)

The Characters: David Saxton: The main character. Arrogant, a rebel, objectifies women, a complete Gary-Stu. He can do no wrong, is a strategic genius, and is overpowered as shit.

Franziska/Franzi: The main love interest. Scared, submissive, friendly, has occasional bursts of anger.

Rudolf: David’s father figure and mentor. Big, burly, deep voice. That’s seriously all I can think of when I think of Rudolf.

Cornelius: David’s grandfather (biological). The King’s Wizard (I didn’t know there was a difference between a mage and a wizard, but go for it I guess).

Adam Saxton: David’s actual dad. Wants the best for his son, I guess. He is a pretty good teacher, I guess. Fuck if I know how to describe him, he dies within the first three chapters.

Hans: A side character, the Fro-Drag (Frozen Dragon) Warrior. Big, buff, an asshole, emotionally stunted.

Shauna: Hans’ love interest. There is no reason for her to exist other than to give Hans a love interest. She does a few things that help the story, but other than that she serves no purpose to the story. 

Henrich: First Keeper (of a Rose Council tower, I think?). One of the bad guys, but not the Big Bad Evil Guy (BBEG). Idk…. he’s just… there. He doesn’t really have a personality.

Eve: Second Keeper (of the same tower). One of the bad guys, not the BBEG. Apparently she dresses super skimpy, but she’s proud and confident, but also cruel and evil? Zesterag: Third Keeper (same tower). David and Cornelius’s friend. Personality? He doesn’t have one. He is a major part of this book and yet I struggle to find words to describe who he is as a person, and I come up empty because he simply isn’t anything other than ‘David’s friend’ and the ‘Third Keeper’. 

Jason: The nephew to the King. Arrogant, prideful, incompetent, entitled. Not necessarily one of the bad guys, though he’s certainly painted to try and be David’s foil it just doesn’t work most of the time, if not all of the time. King Bertram Ingram: Obviously the king. Supposedly he’s the best king that the kingdom has ever seen. He’s easy-going and rather incompetent in the world of magic despite the fact that his kingdom heavily revolves around magic. 

Morgloth: The Demon god, the BBEG. You never meet him in this stupid fucking book.

If you haven’t figured out from this “short” list of characters, who they are, and their personalities, the characters in The Rose Council are bland and incredibly surface level. They never change from this starting state of who they are either. There is absolutely no character development from anyone and that makes them, as characters, feel fake and any emotion feels forced (and there certainly is a lot of ‘emotion’ that Bullock tries to push on the reader). 

The Problems: This book has… a lot of problems. This isn’t surprising at this point considering it most definitely falls under the category of a bad book. The plot itself is terrible and should have been completely different (which I will go into later). The characters are flat and never develop or gain anything more than a surface-level description. In fact, the descriptions are so surface level that often times, when Bullock describes some of the men, in particular, it comes off as incredibly homoerotic. “‘A complicated case for sure, but General Ekins’s choice in the bet political mind needed for the task was more than well chosen,’ the king replied, which surprisingly made Stark blush, more because it was coming from a man he well respected” (pg 216). Stark received a compliment from the king here and blushed. Now I know that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s gay, but it certainly has Big Gay Energy, especially with how the rest of the book is framed in its almost excessive descriptions of men in a manner that seems over over-indulgent. I was dead convinced that David was gay too until Franziska came into the picture sheerly on how he described Rudolf. “Rudolf smiled his glowing smile David loved very much” (pg 3). “David quickly flipped the dented sword in his hands and presented it to the large man hilt first, allowing his large, thick hands to grab it” (pg 3, 4). And there are so many more examples. Also, on the topic of hands, Bullock has a weird obsession with talking about hands. Rudolf’s thick and large hands and Fraziska’s small and delicate hands more specifically. They are mentioned far too many times and it has convinced me that Bullock has a kink for hands. I’m not going to kink shame anyone, but please, for the love of J.R.R Tolkein, please, stop talking about their hands. There are a lot of grammar and spelling errors as well. Several times throughout the book, and especially in the prologue, Bullock spells ‘Kaiser’ wrong, spelling it as ‘Kaser’. You would think that if the name is on the cover of the book that you could be fucked enough to go and find spelling errors to fix it. He also spells ‘colonel’ as ‘coronal’, which after the years that Bullock spent in the military, you would think he could get right, but I guess not. ‘Till’ instead of ‘Until’, which is the use of slang I guess, but it’s used in formal conversations which would lead me to believe it’s a spelling error. And the big cherry on top, ‘trader’ instead of ‘traitor’. These are the most reoccurring spelling errors throughout the book and while I’m more than certain there are others, these are really the only ones that I can think of at the moment. There’s also so problems with Bullock switching the names (especially towards the end of the book) which makes it a struggle to follow along. E.g. he occasionally switches the name ‘David’ and ‘Jason’, or ‘Franziska’ and ‘Shauna’. This wouldn’t be a huge problem if it didn’t happen as often as it did. In fact, it wouldn’t be a problem at all if Bulock had actually been fucked to edit his book or at the very least, have someone look over it to edit it. 

Bullock also steals most of his elements in the book from other fantasy things (mainly World of Warcraft). I understand that fantasy-based things often work off of the same system and borrow a lot from each other, but they still put their own unique twist on it to make the novel feel unique and not like a rehashing of other fantasy stories. Bullock doesn’t do this, and it makes his novel hard to read and understand. If you haven’t played World of Warcraft or Warhammer before (like me) then oftentimes, you don’t know what the fuck Bullock is talking about with a Bloodthirster as he never describes what it is, what it looks like, or anything relating to painting a picture for the reader to allow them to become involved in the story. Another element that was more than blatantly stolen, especially from World of Warcraft, was the Lich King. This was supposed to be another BBEG in the book as far as I was aware, though you never really see any interaction with him. Nothing serves as a threat in this fucking book and it’s annoying. There is nothing at all to ever challenge David and to push him to develop into a better person or a better character. Everyone enables his bad behavior and encourages him to cheat so long if he wins because fuck having honor and pride in what you have done so long as you win, right?

The Plot: The plot of this book is god-awful. What should have been the plot of the entire book is shoved into the last ⅕ and finished in about ten pages. It is genuinely painful to read and I fucking hate it. The entire book up until that point was fluff and exposition and all of it was poorly done. That’s not to say that the last ⅕ of the book was done amazingly, arguably it was done far worse than the rest of the book because of how much shit was crammed into it. It became more than obvious that Bullock was done with the book and just wanted to publish it and never look at it again. The story follows David, a battle mage who has been spoken about in one of Alexander’s prophecies. I’m not entirely sure what this prophecy is since we never learn it or hear anything about it. Alexander was the first Kaiser Mage, the one who pushed the Gods from the earth since I guess that they were just going to kill all living beings on it for their own perverse pleasure (I think. It’s never fully explained). David’s role is to bring the Kaiser Mage back to earth and into being so the Kaiser Mage can put an end to Morgloth before the demon god can terrorize the earth once more. However, Alexander’s prophecy specifically states that the Bringer [of the Kaiser Mage] will be a woman. As such, some people suspect that it is actually Fraziska who is the Bringer, especially after they discover that she essentially harnesses elven magic. This is never explained in the story as to why she has elven magic, she just does. Hans is the son of the recently deceased king of the Fro-Drag clan, determined to kill the great Frozen Dragon who killed his father and the handful of other warriors before his father. They are supposed to kill the baby Frozen Dragon every five-to-ten years, though Bullock flip-flops between the number so I’m not entirely sure. It has been 25 years since the dragon has been killed and no they stand little to no chance of facing off against it, especially since they are supposed to fight the dragon without weapons (big shocker, they don’t fight it without any weapons). Shauna is Hans’ beloved and the head of the Shamans in their clan. She will do her utmost to protect Hans and to see him through to the end of his journey. 

Jason is just an entitled prick who is there to make David look better. 

The Problems: What’s wrong with the plot? Everything. Everything is wrong with the story, from the pacing to the exposition to the entire worldbuilding. I’ll move through the book chronologically with you and lay it all out for you to see. There are 27 chapters in total plus a prologue, though two chapters are labeled ‘Chapter 26’. At the end of the explanation, I’ll showcase what I think would have been a better plot for this book, especially as the start of a series. 

Prologue: Alexander’s Bible To start, the entire thing is in italics. Not only is the word ‘Prologue’ written in bold at the top, but the entire section is in italics. It’s a bit nitpicky, but I hate reading a lot in italics because it can be incredibly difficult to read at times and is often unnecessary. This is one of those times where I really think that the italics were unnecessary. 

This section, though, aside from italics is incredibly poorly explained exposition of what a Kaiser Mage is, who the Gods are, and what games they were playing with the different races of Earth, forcing them to fight for their own pleasure. A Kaiser Mage is essentially akin to a God, with some power from all of the Gods as a Kaiser Mage is created to stand-off against the Demon God, Morgloth. The worst explained part of the prologue is a game called ‘Chock’. I’m still not entirely sure what Chock is because it was terribly explained throughout the entire book. If you’re not going to explain a game well, just don’t explain it at all. Better yet, just don’t have it in the fucking book if I can’t understand what it is because it only becomes more and more confusing as you devote entire fucking chapters to someone playing the games that you came up with. These games are completely and utterly pointless and add nothing to the book besides jacking off David’s ego even more and being like “look at how great David is? Don’t you love him yet?” No! I don’t love him. I fucking hate David and everything that he is in this book because he is by far one of the most annoying characters and clearly doesn’t understand how privileged he is most of the time because he’s “good and true” and “knows the right way in a world full of darkness.” I would have liked to see him evolve to become the rebel that he was, not just have him always be like that. Or better yet, have him be a rebel, a liar, a cheat, a thief in the beginning and teach him moral values and the lesson in having pride in what you do. Teach him what it’s like to stick to a code of honor and how being a good person improves your lives and the lives of everyone around you, even if you lose in a friendly game or two. It’s so fucking stupid that Bullock didn’t do this and it makes the book more than just pointless to read. I don’t know if I can even call it a book at this point it’s just a terrible smash together of words that have been bound and framed to be a book, but it’s not. 

I fucking hate The Rose Council: The Kaiser Mage more than any terrible book I have on my shelf at this point. 

Ugh

Chapters 1-6

We start off the book by seeing David train with Rudolf, something I guess that he’s not supposed to be doing because his father doesn’t want him to train to be a soldier. Essentially, David is supposed to be training to take over as the next High Enchanter to the king, a role that his father currently fills. After the training session, David heads back to his house where his father and Franziska are already waiting for them. Adam, David’s father, has them recount the lesson that they just learned the previous day --- how to summon a golem. However, Adam specifically tells them that he doesn’t want them to summon golems because it could kill them, yet, he taught them the exact steps needed to summon one. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Surprise, surprise, as soon as Adam leaves to go and help some Elves and the two are left alone, David and Franziska summon a fucking golem. Before they summon the golem, Franziska helps David to find his magic by “reaching into herself” and “bringing forth her magic” and “putting it into David”. I honest to god hate the way that Bullock constantly describes how they “reach into themselves and bring forth their magic” to describe them using it. It’s annoying and honestly makes me deeply uncomfortable. After they summon the golem (which nearly kills them) the chapter ends and we are now introduced to Cornelius, Zesterag, and the King. We learn that Adam died while trying to fight Bloodthirster and ended up trapping the demon in his ring at the cost of his own life force. He gave the ring to the Elves to give to David. That’s the entire fucking chapter right there, explained better than it explained itself. It tries to push emotion onto the reader by having Cornelius cry over his son dying but I feel absolutely nothing when I read it because I have absolutely no reason to care about Cornelius or Adam. 

In the next chapter, we are introduced to Hans and the other warriors who are on their way to kill the Great Frozen Dragon. Bullock flips between calling the Frozen Dragon just that, the Frozen Dragon, or Fro-Drag, or a Fro-Dragon. The inconsistency is incredibly annoying, actually. We also meet Shauna, who is willing to break the rules of their ancestors in order to ensure that Hans can kill the dragon and live, even at the cost of her own life or the lives of her sisters. Yohanus is introduced, and he literally serves no other purpose than to give Hans and excuse as to why he can leave the clan after they kill the Fro-Drag, as Yohanus can take the mantle of King of the clans instead of Hans after the dragon has been killed. Hans also comes off as a massive asshole because he refuses to respond to his men so much that his men just accept that he just doesn’t respond sometimes or just won’t respond sometimes. I guess this was supposed to make Hans the “cool and mysterious” type and a total “badass”, but it just makes him look like an asshole. 

If you’re wondering, a Fro-Drag warrior is a warrior who successfully has killed the dragon and as such, has been blessed by the Dragon God with abilities beyond the normal human scope (incredibly enhanced speed, strength, reflexes, constitution, and endurance). They also become completely blue once they are turned into a Fro-Drag warrior. Apparently, nothing can beat one of these warriors, except, you know, a nearly fully grown dragon as Hans’ dead father would prove. 

After this, we discover that the elves have arrived to basically give David his father’s position, though Cornelius and Zesterag burst in, just in time, and declare that no, David will be going to study under the Rose Council to become a Rose Council Mage and Franziska will be taking the rank of the High Enchantress. So they do just that, David goes with Zesterag to study under the Rose Council and to hopefully become one of the members and Franzi goes to be the High Enchantress and fulfill everything that duty entails. 

Chapter 7-13

David, now at the Rose Council Tower and having met Eve, who he promptly decided was a disgusting whore because the dress she wore hugged her curves too tightly in his opinion, now has to read and memorize the book containing all of the rules of the Rose Council. In order to do this, David discovers that he has a “second mind” which allows him to piss off and do other things while his first mind takes in all of the information and commits it to memory. God, that would be so fucking handy when it came to school. Or just reading this book in general because it was so fucking painful and I would have rather liked to piss off and do other things instead of sitting here and reading through this garbage. In chapter 7, David also meets his servant while he is in the tower. He promptly invades her mind without her consent and finds out she was raped by another trainee in the Rose Council. Bullock uses this point to fuel why the Rose Council are all terrible people and I had to set the book down and leave it for a bit after reading that point. I can’t explain better myself why rape really shouldn’t be used as an arbitrary plot device thrown in to stir emotions than KrismonRogue does. If you want to hear him go in-depth in better words than I can use right now, please, watch his reasoning here. 

In chapter 8, Franzi cries because she has to leave her house and actually do things that a High Enchantress is supposed to do. She’s supposed to meet with the king and then go on whatever mission he designates. She cries even more because she’s terrified of the alter-rang golem (I have no idea what the fuck an alter-rang golem is, but I assume it’s big and made out of metal as the book describes) she and David summoned. As such, she’s struggling to control it. 

In chapter 9, after finishing the book of rules faster than any other mage has read it, David is introduced to the Gauntlet of Pain (edgy). Where the other mages will launch mental attacks on him and inflict him with unbearable pain. He must push through it in order to get to the end of the hallway (I think that’s what it is) where a statue of Alexander, the first and so far, the only Kaiser Mage is. Should he reach the statue, David will be granted into the life of a fully-fledged Rose Mage. He almost fucking does it on the first try because all he does is make his magic move his body while he just squirrels away in his second mind. He doesn’t stop until the First Keeper, Henrich, decides that it’s too soon for him to reach the statue and just fucking punches the lights out of David via magic. Also, apparently your hair can hurt in this fantasy world. I wasn’t aware that hair itself had nerve endings, but apparently it does. 

In chapter 10 Hans and Yohanus kill the Frozen Dragon after Shauna basically points out a crack in the magic shield that prevents any non-living object from entering. Yohanus is able to bring a spear in because of this and they kill the Frozen Dragon. The scene goes way too quickly and is incredibly muddled, which makes it super annoying and bland. The Dragon God shows up after they kill the dragon though and basically grants them both the powers of a Fro-Drag warrior. We learn that in the process of trying to help Hans and Yohanus, several of the Shamans ‘died’ because of their astral projection (though Bullock doesn’t call it astral projection). In truth, their souls were just lost from their bodies because they wandered too far from their bodies and I guess the Dragon God was willing to help the souls be guided back? I have no fucking idea though. The chapter where that’s talked about (chapter 14) is so muddled and hard to decipher. Hans is told that he is to be an assassin and needs to kill the Bringer (or the Kaiser Mage? Both?) before they use evil magic to bring Morgloth into the world and kill everyone. 

Chapter 11, Franziska has guards from the kingdom now. They’re called Marble Guards. The only one we know is Clouse and both her and Clouse have far more chemistry than David and she do. The existence of Clouse is entirely pointless however, aside from pointing out just how ‘devoted’ to David that Franzi is. We learn that the alter-rang golem, who is named Ugly, is powerful as shit and basically destroys a single building with its blast of magic lightning. We also meet Jason whose father, the Lord of the village, is then convinced needs to go and be part of the army so he has a better shot at becoming the king after the death of the current king. 

Chapter 12, David has an orgy in the showers despite the fact that he says he’s so devoted to Franzi. Actually, the orgy in the showers is completely against his own will and in fact, he has told the servant who brought this onto him that he didn’t want to have sex with her because he was so devoted to Franzi, yet, she pushes this onto him anyways and does it in public space too. If this was a good writer, this would have really fucked up David. However, Bullock is not a good writer, so I’m inclined to believe that this was written with the thought that David should be enjoying it. David gets attacked with magic per the orders of Henrich to attack David with magic whenever you saw him. He’s in the middle of the orgy when this happens and pretends to really be enjoying it while another mage, Teresina, basically funnels away the pain. Apparently convincing everybody he was a masochist was enough to deter them from ever causing him pain like that again out of the blue. It’s weird. 

David plays a shitty game with marbles called Defenders or something like that. It’s terribly explained and I’m not going to even bother trying lest I confuse myself more. That just brings me back to my previous statement of not including a game if you can’t explain it to the reader’s understanding. Of course, he fucking wins the game so hard that everyone is impressed and on his side now. He then goes through the Gauntlet of Pain again and actually succeeds this time. He’s told to repeat a phrase on the statue to finally become a Rose Mage. However this little shit, instead of repeating what the phrase is on the statue, he repeats the “actual” phrase (of which I still don’t know what it is, nor do I know what the fake phrase was). Henrich gets super pissed again because of this and says that David is disrespecting the council and Alexander and almost kills David because of it. I guess Zesterag interferes again and saves David’s life? Not too sure though. 

In chapter 13, we learn that Henrich is working for Morgloth, David attacks him because of this after freeing Zesterag’s brother, Delpapa (I think this addition was completely pointless). Zesterag and some of the guards from the castle smuggle David out of the tower and get him to safety while Zesterag pretends that he killed David so Henrich and Eve will lay off and not try to hunt him down to kill him. I’m really not interested in David’s safety at all, despite the fact that this is half-way through the book. I don’t care about anything or anyone in this story and there really isn’t a plot-line up until now. It’s just David doing whatever the fuck he wants and the rest of the crew trying to actually do their jobs. 

Chapter 14-26 (It’s actually chapter 27, but it’s labeled as 26, so fuck it) 

Hans and Yohanus return back to the village, Yohanus is declared as the king and Hans says that he’s going to go out to search for the Bringer so he can kill them before they kill the world. Shauna gets permission from Yohanus to follow after Hans. 

Chapter 15, it’s just Franziska, her guard Clouse, some soldiers, and her golem as they pass through a pass filled to the brim with Black Orcs. Supposedly these Black Orcs are super dangerous, but they don’t dare attack because the golem is so stupidly intimidating. They are on their way to the frontlines of the battlefield against the undead creature that would kill the entire land if the shield crystal isn’t recharged. Franziska’s job is to go and recharge these crystals. 

They arrive at a camp and go to meet the Sisters of Prophecy where Hans is. Hans joins the entourage (sans Shauna). Eve also joins the entourage to ‘protect’ Franziska and guide her, I guess. 

Chapter 16, It’s basically just David’s escape to the palace and then Zesterag convincing Henrich and Eve that he did, in fact, kill David. David dives into a home to hide from Eve and unbeknownst to him, there’s a naked old woman in the home. This is completely pointless to the story and I have no idea why it was included, it wasn’t even funny. We learn that Zesterag has been promoted to Second Keeper and Eve to First Keeper because Henrich has moved to be the Head of the Rose Council. Apparently it’s also a good thing that Henrich believes/does work for Morgloth because he’s their only inside to the way the demon works? This really doesn’t make sense to me, but alright, I guess. In chapter 17 David has arrived to the castle and is basically given the rank of Officer so he can hide from the Rose Council. He is to escort a bunch of new soldiers to the front lines with another officer, Jason, aka entitled brat boy. Oh yeah, for some reason Bullock decided to use a lot of military terminology and complicated names like Sergeant Major and Lord General and Field General, and as someone with no idea what ranking military people have with the titles and whatnot, this actually gets really confusing really quickly. It’s also weird to me that he’s using military terms in a fantasy world, especially because it is by no means a modern world and by no means has any other elements from real life in it. It’s rather jarring and it just doesn’t fit with the world. I understand that in fantasy an author can generally do whatever the fuck they want within reason and so long as it fits, but the military theme really just doesn’t feel like it fits in this story in any way. Bullock jumps between having guards and knights to having soldiers and officers and sergeants and lieutenants. It doesn’t work with the story and I think it needs to be removed entirely. Sure, a good majority of the story will go with it, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. The entire plot needs to be remade anyways. Especially considering that in this chapter, David gets a bracer. In this bracer, I guess that he needs to capture different types of magic in order to summon the Kaiser Mage. 

The bracer should have been given to him at the beginning of the story. Not the last ⅕. The bracer should have been the entire fucking story as he searched for the different types of magic in order to activate it so he could ‘summon’ the Kaiser Mage to their reality. It’s so fucking stupid that Bullock just throws it in during the last part of the book because now we finally have some kind of plot-line or purpose for David being out and about despite the Rose Council supposedly coming after him to kill him (although they think that he’s already dead). Here’s the real kick in the ass though: Mark ignores the entire fucking point of the bracer until about the last ten-ish pages. Everything in this godforsaken story is shoved into the last ten pages and I hate it. It was incredibly frustrating and I nearly tore the book in half down the spine I was so mad when reading it. 

Anyways, Jason is just a total brat, they get to pick Marble Guards to accompany them on their journey to the frontline. Because David just dazzled his superior with his genius so much when it came to picking his guards he gets to have four instead of two. After that, they arrive at the training grounds where the new guards are and *GASP* guess who is there???? Rudolf! David’s sugar daddy! David throws down with all of the new soldiers in a ring to prove to his daddy just how impressive his skills are now that he can use magic to help him! And his Daddy is very impressed by his skills. Then we meet KEVIN. THE MOST FUCKING BRILLIANT NAME FOR A FANTASY CHARACTER EVER. KEVIN.  F U C K I N G    K E V I N. Kevin is a half-leaderless (which I guess is a race?) and is described as such; “Kevin’s eyes were the giveaway, with the blue reddish tint in them and semi-browner skin. Almost as if Kevin had the best tan, but the leaderless people’s skin were naturally brown” (pg 174). Kevin wants to fight David because Kevin is just amazing with a blade, but David asks if they can wait until tomorrow because he’s so exhausted. 

Chapter 18 and Jason is even more of a brat and David is the star child I guess. David fights Kevin and uses his magic to cheat because otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to beat Kevin in the swordfight, meaning that Kevin is the superior fighter. However, instead of being chided for cheating and abandoning any honor in his fight, Daddy Rudolf instead praises David after he promises to never cheat again, and Daddy Rudolf tells him instead “Oh hell no, that is by far the wrong lesson to learn. There will be another time when something like this will happen, David, only it will be your life on the line. I expect you to cheat with everything got, to win, understand?” (pg 177) They do more training exercises and it’s generally pretty unnecessary other than to prove that David is just ‘one of the boys’ and that all of the soldiers love him. 

Chapter 19, Franzi has more chemistry with Hans and Clouse again than she ever did with David. Franzi makes ‘friends’ with Eve and threatens Eve that Ugly will kill her if she keeps trying to push her way into her mind. Franzi pretends she’s the Bringer to make Eve happy and Eve tells her that the Bringer is the Kaiser Mage. We already know that David is the Bringer at this point so dING DING DING FUCK YOU WE’RE GOING TO GIVE AWAY THE END OF THE BOOK RIGHT NOW. SURPRISE, BITCH, DAVID WAS THE NEW KAISER MAGE ALL ALONG. 

We also get a brief perspective from Shauna where for some fucking reason she’s in a desert. In this desert, she passes out but also befriends two Silverback Desert Hounds. She’s basically a fucking pointless character already and is just there for Hans. 

Chapter 20, Jason is more of an entitled brat. David is struggling to use his second mind for some fucking reason, even though this is literally the only point he struggles to use it. Jason is found to be a racist as he hates Captin Olek who I guess is a great captain. He just hates him because he’s black. Yay, more Jason terrible and David great content. Fucking pointless chapter. Oh yeah and somewhere in these chapters David’s ring, the one he got from his father, starts to burn him because the Bloodthirster that is trapped inside of it is pounding on the walls of the pocket dimension? And for some reason, that’s enough to cause the ring to start burning his skin. And for some reason, later on, Bullock loses all logic and insists that the ring burns him terribly enough that he starts to bleed. Despite the fact that you know, heat is used to cauterize wounds. 

Chapter 21, Jason bad, David good. Soldiers love David, hate Jason. David can talk in the language of the gods when talking to the Bloodthirster. He plays Chock again and it’s still terribly explained. It’s completely pointless other than proving that David is a very smart and very strategic boy. And that Daddy Rudolf is very impressed with him (not really because although Rudolf is there he juST IS LIKE A FUCKING CARDBOARD FIGURE IN THE BACKGROUND). 

Chapter 22, David good, Jason bad. They go through a dangerous canyon filled with Black Orc’s now that Franziska went through earlier. 

Chapter 23, Franziska meets with Dark Elves who know she’s not the Bringer and out her to Hans. For some reason, despite the fact that she’s saying she’s the Bringer and Hans is supposed to kill the Bringer, he hasn’t killed her yet. Franziska snaps and has Ugly almost kill Eve. Eve escapes in the nick of time. Franziska and Clouse still have more chemistry than David and Franziska and that is only proved further. 

Chapter 24, Shauna shows up. Franziska and Shauna bond almost immediately. David and co finally arrive at the frontlines without have lost a single man, which is supposed to be super impressive but it doesn’t feel that way. Jason bad, David good. All soldier’s love David. Oh nooo… Henrich is there and he knows that David is too. Henrich is big anger now because David is supposed to be dead. Henrich would attack David but whoops! Big wraith arrives and does it for him after Jason was left alone in the field and like a dumbass David rushed in to save Jason because he just has to be the bigger man in the situation. Wraith kidnaps David and Jason. Franziska finds out and cries more. 

Chapter 25, David wakes up in the place he was hidden after being kidnapped. Finds one of the green magics for his bracer. Yay! He runs while carrying Jason. Hans realizes David is the Bring and chase after him. Eve gets mad at Henrich and tells Ugly to kill him. Henrich is okay and fucking yeets Ugly a couple of yards away and into a mountain with magics. Eve assures Franziska that Henrich isn’t mad and takes her to a tent to “teach her things”. 

Chapter 26 part 1, David run lots while carrying Jason. Hans shows up and fucking deflects all of the magic with the magical resistance that was blessed onto him by the Dragon God when he became a Fro-Drag warrior. They fights lots. David cheats and releases the Bloodthirster from the ring because if you release the Bloodthirster he becomes your servant until you die. David realizes he fucked up. Hans knows he fucked up. Somehow David convinces Hans that he’s not even and when the Bloodthirster brags that he can never be sealed again, David fucking seals him in the stupid fucking magic bracer to get what I guess is the red life magic. Hans just so happens to be the blue life magic because “blue man must be part of blue circle hurhur.” He doesn’t absorb Hans into the bracer but somehow gets the magic? Fuck if I know. Apparently in the prophecy is also said that the Bringer would be evil and release evil magic upon the world, but that was just Alexander spouting bullshit and somehow that in itself was supposed to bring everyone together to do what needed to be done 

Chapter 26, part 2, David confronts Eve and Henrich. He fucking makes Eve his slave by brainwashing her with the bracer to make her want nothing more than to serve him. He absorbs Henrich into the bracer without any fight. He then declares himself the Kaiser mage and what a fucking surprise, he is. He then goes off to face the Lich King or Morgloth’s clone that he sent to terrorize the world because he couldn’t set foot on it himself???? Fuck if I know at this point, this book is such a fucking mess. Either way, the BBEG is Morgloth’s clone and instead of an epic fight, Kaiser Mage David just goes up and does the same fucking thing he does with Eve and brainwashes it without a challenge to be his servant. He then goes and commands it to go and kill Morgloth so like, guess there goes that fucking challenge. 

And the book is over. The book is finally fucking over. Aside from my rant about the plot issues and how the entire plot should have been centered around the Gauntlet, it has a lot of issues with formatting and phrasing and grammar. The Rose Council clearly never saw an editor a day’s worth of revision and it desperately needs to. Writing a book is hard and takes a lot of effort and research, none of these were put into The Rose Council and it shows. 

Overall, 0/10 stars. I fucking hated it. 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

going off the back of that post that i reblogged last night about being a virgin/not dating/not having had a relationship by your 20s should be normalised and not shamed.... i thought I’d make a separate post bc meh anyway.

but yeah going off that post, I hate how when I was 17/18 and 18/19 when I had guys approach me on facebook for sex/a relationship/to date etc the question i had the most from all of those men (who at the time were in their early-to-mid 20s) was “are you like waiting for marriage or some stupid fucking bullshit for losing your virginity? like why the fuck haven’t you slept with someone yet? you’re 17-19! you’re obvs broken and let me/us (the us part was when it was 2 dudes, one trying to set me up with his friend) fucking fix you! what the fuck?” and then obviously that rant devolved into my typical point of “you should’ve fucked someone by the time you were 15!” bullshit rant that all of these men rattled off after the marriage/virginity question.

but no. i’m not waiting for marriage to have sex/lose my very non-existent purely social construct virginity. no. i’m not waiting for it to be “special” bc I know a lot of losing your virginity is MEANT to be awkward and funny and uncomfortable, unlike all the media around it making it seem seamless and perfect half the time.

but you know what I’m waiting for? a person that fucking respects that, in a sense. a person who doesn’t fucking think their stupid fucking mostly good-for-nothing genitals (ok in these cases it obvs a dick) will magically control me and “make you (me) into a real woman who loves real dick, real men, and real sex” which is something that “I’ll give you sex lessons in my car” guy literally said to me in 2014 when he was angry at me for not having lost my virginity by 18/19. im waiting for just like the bare minimum respect level that SO MANY MEN fucking refuse to fucking meet that it makes me fucking sick.

warning: this next part mentions suicide/self-harm.

like y’all I went through a lot with my stalker constantly harassing me with his “will you fucking hurry up and fucking consider that wonderful weekend of sex down the coast, so that I can be the first to have your virginity???!!! (and also so that I don’t try and kill myself, you selfish bitch!)” act. like why in all honest fuck would I give it to a guy that consistently threatened me with his suicide/generally threatened self-harm each time I refused to touch him? why would i give it to the guy who made me terrified that he’d punch me in the face if i ever called that bullshit out or generally criticised his behaviour in any way, shape, or form???? why would i give it to the boy who DEMANDED in first two days of knowing me, that i “hurry up and get on the pill so that I can fuck you!” and then followed that up with refusing to use condoms and then the “we’ll get married & have kids one day bc you’re girlfriend material” line, as if he was going to trap me at 16 with a kid to be his baby mama, and then never let me go to uni etc bc i obviously had to be stuck with the kid while he fucked off and fucked around with other girls.

like y’all 16 year old me mentally read my stalker for fucking FILTH each time he pulled his bullshit acts. she knew that he was abusive/manipulative/controlling etc. why the FUCK would she give him the satisfaction of “being the first to fuck you (her)” like she was some gatekept special unicorn or other fucked up shit???? virginity is used to control women by these creepy manipulative men. and the men mentioned in the first half of this post all were like “like yeah he sounds fucking yikes, but you should’ve just fucked him anyway; to be normal and to not be a fucking stuck up, frigid virgin bitch like you are now! you should of just given the guy a chance!!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬 maybe he would’ve treated you right if you fucked him and gave him what he wanted!!!! lower your fucking standards!!!!😡” like no????????? and y’all are really going to excuse suicide threats/self-harm threats and other violence towards women, over a woman not having lost her virginity yet???? what THE ACTUAL FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?????? you are MOTHERFUCKING TRASH and you need to FUCKING LEAVE.

then yes there was the less yikes clear braces guy at catholic school. but all the same. 14/15 year old me DID NOT LIKE HIM in that way at all. I didn’t want to fucking touch him, because everything about him disgusted me (which was super fucking rude I’ll admit, but yeah).

but why the fuck was she expected to give up her virginity/have a relationship at all etc with a boy that she NEVER had feelings for???? why was she ALWAYS dismissed (typically more often by male students, but also by some female students and then eventually teachers) when she said she didn’t like him???? and even after she fucking dumped him???? WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO BELIEVE GIRLS/WOMEN when they say that they DON’T LIKE and NEVER LIKED someone?????

but other than that, why was I expected to give myself to him??? I had boys who always said to me “I bet you’d love licking the shit out of his braces. yeah get that nasty shit out of there for him with your tounge... I bet you dream about it” and other vile shit about this guy’s psoriasis etc, and other shit like that for 3 straight fucking years..... and then those boys fucking wondered why i’d fucking slap them and storm out of fucking class.... and then they always pretended to act all nice after it. why the FUCK was i expected to endure that?????

this is the relationship where the WHOLE year group pressured me into it (or at least I felt super pressured by my entire year) bc even the other half of the year started to harass me about it. whenever i told anyone to fuck off about it, they’d just push it harder. it was a fucking mortifyingly awkward and awful relationship where i never answered his texts.... where he would spell my name wrong although I was his “best friend” (although yes autocorrect but you wouldn’t over sight that in a text to your girlfriend, right?) and where I constantly faked sick or totally ignored his advances for dates...... by actually going over my friends houses, instead of going to the movies with him.... and then when he moved schools at the end of 2010 I felt like it was my fault bc I’d dumped him???? so he’d lost a good friend after that??? idek man teenagers suck lmao

but in the whole story about clear braces guy, I think you can see the underlying thing there was that i OBVIOUSLY wasn’t ready for a relationship, and honestly I don’t think this guy was either..... considering that when he asked me out over the phone he seemed awkward about it I suppose.... like we’d been pressured into FOR 3 YEARS of constant harassment from our year group..... so he felt like he HAD to ask me out finally. and then when he made it “facebook official” i gagged... and then snapped and then yelled at him. i was fucking livid. i cringed at the couple selfie he took of us at the end of one PE lesson after the “fb official” disaster. it was a fucking nightmare lmao.

can y’all see that this SHOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED AT ALL if we’d just left been left fucking alone to be friends that talked every day???? like yes he had his story of having a crush on me since the start of 2008/year 7, but I always felt nothing like that for him. EVER. we were just two metalhead friends bonding over parkway drive and marilyn manson and emo kids bonding over adtr and other bands which everyone else was into anyway.

like I did feel sorry for him in my class bc no one would sit with him, bc he was a bit weird (the braces thing didn’t help him either). he talked to me too bc most of my class was scared of me and my very dramatic screaming matches with teachers/emotional outbursts that would get me sent out of so many classes for most of year 7. but i always, ALWAYS saw us as just friends. basically it was just my group that believed that I didn’t like him (well eventually) bc they always got up and moved away whenever braces dude came to sit with me at at lunch/recess. like my group was embarrassed for me or something???? idek man.

but yeah. my point with braces guy is that why fuck should I have been pressured into that??? and ESPECIALLY why the actual fuck did it have to be a fucking whole year group level of sustained harassment for 3 straight years, where on every fucking level I WAS FUCKING IGNORED by everyone????.... and where that sustained harassment made me feel as though if I’d said no, i would’ve been called a selfish bitch/whore/slut bc teenagers are dumb as fuck. like even teachers started pushing it from time to time by 2010. i fucking hated it. why should a teenager be harassed ON THAT LEVEL FOR THAT LONG while still being invalidated..... and then still be expected to have a good view of relationships and sex exploration after that???? like it warped my views so much.... and then gave me a big part of a horrible fucking year long depressive episode in 2011..... and also gave me a weirdly obsessive and deathly obvious crush on one of the very popular pretty boys who had pushed me into that relationship anyway.... especially when that said boy gave me a flirtatious comment when I was “going out” with braces boy. like how the fuck is any of that healthy???? why was I expected to lose my virginity to someone I never had feelings for in the first place????

so yeah. this is my view on why people never having had a relationship/never had sex/not lot their virginity by their 20s should be a more normalised thing not to be shamed for...... and why teenagers should NEVER be harassed to have relationship that they don’t want, fucking period. just relationships in high school are fucking awful.

[volgotha]

Holy shit I just read your text post I'm so sorry! How are people so easily sold on bullshit??? What happened that lead up to all that?

Okay, strap yourself in. I’m only typing this mess up once more and then I’m never mentioning it again as long as I live. I’m not going to tag it with anything relevant either so once its posted, i’m letting it get lost in the sea of reblogs. Here we go, warning; this is gon be long.

In 2006 I went to college. From 2006 to 2009 I hung out with 5 friends and my bf at the time, Andre. It was in 2007 that we started to poke our heads into the 2C11 room (the clubspace room). Matt and his best friend Jogn Carlo started coming with us to Rocky Horror, a thing only myself and two of my 5 friends would do together, along with ppl they knew from their old highschool. By 2009, we had formed a big gang of friends from the clubspace, and we all started going to movies and sushi together. One of my friends organize panels for Otakuthon, where we’d all meet up.      

But in 2009, two of the 5 ppl I hung out with had a falling out. They stopped being friends. One went to university, the other was around for one more year then she went to university in 2010. That’s when the old group began to change from a family to a clique: In 2010 new members joined the club, and became new staples in the old group–most importantly, a guy named Tin.

It used to feel like a big family, but when the new semester started in September 2010 and new members flooded the club, everything changed. Tin instantly gave me a strange feeling in my gut, like there was something off abt him I couldn’t articulate. Shannon was dating Alex, the then club president, who stepped down in disgrace after I and one of those 5 friends went to the student union to complain abt him being the Harvey Weinstein of the club,. He wanted to permanently ban her from the club bc that summer when he was making a shitty youtube movie, he asked her out and she said no. The only reason he stepped down is bc I helped her take it to the student union and took him down. So when 2010 came along, Tin swooped in and became Alex 2.0, and when I warned ppl abt him they didn’t listen.

Fast forward a year to 2011, and the shitstorm happens; My mom had bvee battling with cancer since 2009. She had a hysterectomy but it didn’t work, and the cancer came back with a vengance.

January 15th 2011: My mom comes into my room and tells me her doctor doesn’t give her 1 year left to live. A few minutes after she leaves my room, Tin talks to me on Steam. He starts trolling me, I exploded on him. I felt bad about it so I tried to apologise to him, and I wrote on my facebook wall a message: “Just found out my mom has a year left to live, not in my right head, plz stay away from me for a while” so i wouldn’t explode on anyone else. I said I tried to apologise to Tin on steam, because him being an abujsive sociopath, instead of just accepting the apology or not like a normal person, instead he starts demanding that i admit to being a shitdisturber. I ignore him at that point, tell him im sorry, wish him good night and then sign off steam, and go to bed.

The following day, Shannon heads me off as I’m in the 2C11 hallway heading to the clubspace room; she warns me that Kelly is having a shit fit and screaming about how much of a horrible person I am, that apparently Kelly thinks my facebook post is me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I run to confront her, because excuse me, no it fucking wasn’t yknow? and whatever trauma she hasn;’t resolved yet doesn’t give her the right to twist my meanings and paint me as a monster. Thats when she goes into the Oliver’s caf so I follow her, and she screams at me calls me pathetic and heads back into the clubspace, and everyone followed her and left me in the caf crying with Shannon and Alex. :/

The situation was made ten times worse later that night by a certain person named Mathew, remember him? He was supposed to be my friend. Instead, he took the opportunity to write a huge post on fb tearing me down, on which everyone else joined in taking a public jab at me. Matt was seen as the community leader at the time. He could have used his power to calm the situation down, instead he made things worse. To this day, I suspect that troll Tin is the one who twisted my words to trigger Kelly and cause all of this, and that he also had Matt in the palm of his hand, but i digress; Matt’s post convinced most of them to ditch me. That devastated me in an already overwhelmed state, and I attempted suicide a few nights later.

That summer, I saw that my former friends were all having a big party, “What Killed the Dinosaurs? The Bad Movie Night.”, and I wasn’t invited. Shannon saw how much it hurt me, so she invited to her bf’s party instead, and that’s where I met Paul.

The following school year of 2011-2012 went by without much incident. The people who had ghosted me slowly added me back, Matt even apologized for his shit, and things seemed to be on the up and up. It looked like all this drama was behind us. I was wrong.

After I graduated, I decided to go visit the club in Fall 2012. Big mistake.

I saw someone I knew, Sarah, crying on someone’s lap, and asked her what was up. She told me she was in an abusive relationship with Tin. For giving her the advice to leave him, Tin came at me on steam again, and I told him that he was an abuser, that he would not intimidate me and to go fuck himself, and I blocked him. Suddenly, Matt was trying to extort 100$ from me for 2 locks I had broken the year before, which should’ve only cost 42$. Where did that come from? Well, Tin was the club’s Treasurer that year. He was trying to get back at me for standing up to him and helping his victim escape, and he was doing it through Matt, who was going apeshit on me on MSN for refusing to pay 100$. I insisted I should only have to pay what I owe, which was 42$. He kept freaking out on me, so finally I threatened to get a lawyer involved, and that’s when he backed down. I still paid the money I owed for the locks I had broken but I blocked Matt, having had enough of his bullshit, and that’s when suddenly a bunch of ppl from the group ghosted me for good.

Why was I ghosted when Matt was clearly the one in the wrong? Because Tin. They ghosted me bc Tin told them to. Tin and Matt told them all sorts of shitty things about me and they believed them. They don’t hold Tin or Matt to any of their shitty actions though bc they don’t want the same abuse that happened to me to happen to them. They turn a blind eye to every shitty thing Tin and Matt do. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand there’s an extremely toxic abuse dynamic at play in that group.

But the story doesn’t end there. Remember that party I went to with Shannon, and that guy I met named Paul? From november 2011 to march 2015 we were together. I was isolated from whoever was left, only hung out with him and his friends. In 2014, I became close friends with a girl name d Ariel, a member of that old groiup who ghosted me. But that was probably a manufactured relationship manipulated into existance by Paul, so he could jump to her when he was done with me.

Paul was extremely abusive when no one was around. The night he left, we had a huge fight. I tried to escape the situation by running upstairs. He chased me and when I ran into my TV room and closed the door behind me, he started pounding on it and trying to push his way in. When he did manage to get through the door, I panicked, picked up a glass bottle and threw it at him, and then slammed the door again when he backed out. The bottle broke, and cut his finger very deep. He used that cut to get everyone present during the situation on his side. Nevermind all the crazy abusive stuff he had just pulled in front of them, no, I was the bad guy, and once he had them convinced, he left to my then bff’s house, who later became his new gf.

He posted a picture of the wound on facebook, and because of that and previous drama from years ago that never really went away, most of the friends I had left from Dawson believed him, and ghosted me. I couldn’t tell them that a week earlier he had raped me, and that’s why I was scared enough to throw that glass bottle at him.I filed a police report, I warned everyone who would listen to me about him, and I warned her. I did all I could.

 I was too scared to tell this story for such a long time, because if asking for understanding while my mom was dying was twisted into me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch, then asking for understanding for the outbursts I had after being raped would just be twisted into me using my rape as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I couldn’t handle the idea of my rape being trivialized as just some excuse–and Mathew is in part responsible for it all, because of that fucking post he made publicly tearing me down. Had he not posted that, I would’ve never lost my support system, I would’ve never gone to that party with Shannon, and I would’ve never been raped.

So I spent the better parts of 2016-2018 telling those involved off for their part in my current situation and blocked them, and the rest rebuilding what I had back in 2009, with resounding success. 

So, there you have it. That’s what happened. Fuuuuuuuucking insane isn’t it. Its over now, none of them can hurt me anymore and Ive once again surrounded myself with friends I can actually trust, so everything’s good now. I still have my low days bc this was yknow, a lot, but I’m doing much, muuuuch better now. 

[outtathepressbox]

I am Tiger Woods

I am Tiger Woods

By Ivan Tolentino

April 14th, 2019, a date I will never forget. Sure I was excited about the long awaited premiere of Game of Thrones , who wasn’t?! However, yesterday will forever be enshrined in my memory as the day TIger Woods returned to glory. Prior to this past weekend only three dates have stood out to me. October 27, 1986, my beloved Mets winning their second world title. June 11, 1997 two words, flu game. Then there was June 14, 1998. Michael Jordan hit the shot of shots (no push off) and secured the Chicago Bulls six NBA championship. Now the Tiger roars again. You can say now I have my Mount Rushmore of sports memories.

Each date has meant something to me in a different way. Back in ‘86 my love affair with the Mets and sports as a whole began. The flu game left me in awe. I never seen anyone want something so bad and accomplish it, even as his body was riddled with the flu. That same man who left me in awe made me quite emotional in June of 98. As a 17 year old kid I knew it wasn’t just the end of the Bulls great run, but my childhood was ending as well. Nearly two decades later another legend and Nike spokesman brought out some heavy emotions in me.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that everyone loves a great comeback story. If I would of told you a decade ago Tiger Woods was the most beloved figure in sports , you would of fitted me for a straitjacket. Tiger was aloof , a robot , and at times came off as arrogant. Then it all came tumbling down. We all know how the decline started. During Thanksgiving weekend 2009 Tiger Woods reportedly crashed into a hydrant and suffered some minor facial lacerations. In the upcoming weeks rumors were circulating that Woods accident was a result of a domestic dispute. Mistress after mistress appeared allegedly reporting having an affair with Tiger. That was followed by an embarrassing press conference, a stint in rehab, sponsors dropping like flies, and the end of his marriage.

As if that wasn’t enough the most physically fit golfer of all time, became a walking mash unit. A laundry list of injuries began. A neck injury in 2010, sprained MCL and Achilles in 2011, 2012 a second Achilles injury, 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017 back surgeries. As if having back surgery in four consecutive years wasn’t enough Tiger officially hit rock bottom. On May 29, 2017 Tiger Woods was arrested on a DUI charge. Soon after videos of his arrest were going viral online. It was easy to think that was the end of Tiger, it wasn’t!

Sunday April 14, 2019 one of the best redemption stories ever played out before our very own eyes. Fourteen years since his last green jacket , eleven years since his last major Tiger Woods was back on top. As I sat back and watched a rare feeling came over me. A feeling I haven’t felt in nearly two decades. Sports had awaken something in me yet again.

The beauty of sports is how it brings people together. As a child a baseball game was the only way I could connect with my dad. In my teens my friends and I would quarrel back and forth every Spring over the Knicks and Bulls rivalry. These days catching a ball game with friends and family is a great escape from everyday life. Yesterday’s finale of the Masters Tournament helped me connect with someone else….. me.

Admitally not many people may know this but I struggle moving forward in life. I’m not sure if it’s a fear of success or one of failure but I always seem to end up in the same place.I have many great qualities, for some odd reason ambition was not one of them. When I do accomplish things I always do it for the wrong reasons. Like proving a point to others, never doing it for myself. For years I constantly put others before me , and rolled out every excuse known to man. Never once did I take a hard look in the mirror.

My epiphany came several years ago. I received harsh but much needed criticism from someone I care for. That person looked at me and out of nowhere said “what are you doing with yourself, what a waste”. Even after that it took awhile to for me to snap out of it. I was in a dead end job, overweight, and doing nothing to secure my future. Lately things have improved tremendously. I work for two solid companies, one of them being my dream company. I am happily back in school, and I’ve made much needed changes to my health. Despite all that my demons were slowly finding a way to creep back in.

After landing a job at my dream company it only took two weeks for me to say , “that’s it”. When it came to school my assignments went from a challenge to a drag overnight. Handing things in on the eleventh hour. This past week I skipped the gym for practically the entire week. Oddly enough even with all my doubts and demons , I walk around supremely confident every day. This past weekend I learned something watching Tiger. I’m not confident I’m arrogant and full of excuses.

It’s easy to look at Tiger Woods and take one glance at me and say you’re nothing alike. He’s a dominant athlete, he’s famous, has countless endorsements, and well I’d say he’s doing slightly better than me financially. However, the brilliance of Nike’s marketing team stood out to me yesterday afternoon. Of all the countless Tiger ads it was his “I am Tiger Woods” commercial that aired nearly two decades ago that stood out. The ad featured children of both genders and all types of backgrounds uttering three words…. “I am Tiger Woods” I thought it was a clever commercial for selling golf equipment at the time, not realizing it had a deeper meaning.

Deep down we all are Tiger Woods. We all make mistakes and hurt the people we love, even ourselves. Anyone can confuse arrogance with self confidence . Arrogance makes you ignorant and hurtful towards others. Tiger humbled by his past mistakes has put his arrogance behind him. It’s a lesson I hope to learn. My arrogance has caused me to be unkind and that false confidence has allowed excuses to seep in. It’s time to put them to bed.

Through my own doing my body has broken down. I got two bad knees that sound like an attic from a horror movie each morning. My feet and my back hurt all because even with a much healthier lifestyle I’m still probably a good thirty pounds overweight. No back fusions , no countess hours of rehab like Tiger , so there shouldn’t be any excuses to become a better version of myself physically as well.

You can be the greatest golfer of all time who recaptures his glory days at the age of 43, or you can be a 38 year old man who admittedly has underachieved most of his life. It really doesn’t matter it’s never too late to achieve greatness , and just be a better person to yourself and those around you. Tiger was humbled and learned what was more important in life. It wasn’t the fast cars, countless women , and fame. It was all about the game his father taught him at the age of three and now his own children.

Mistakes will happen , nobody is perfect. Not even a guy who’s won fifteen majors, or the man writing this piece.

Don’t just come back to the golf course, reclaim your crown. Don’t just land the job, thrive in it.If you go back to school give it your absolute best. Have confidence NOT arrogance. Arrogance comes off as excessive confidence , but it reality it’s a lack of confidence. Confidence allows you to get back up when life and your own insecurities knock you down. I will never forgot April 14, 2019 it’s the day I realized I am Tiger Woods

[jewelridersarchive]

Why do we love seeing new versions of the same thing? Is it simple nostalgia? Is it the desire to engage with some sort of content that once moved us in a new and different way? Is it new creators wanting to stamp something they loved from their own childhood with their mark? Or is it all of the above?

I’m not immune to loving reboots. I devoured the new DuckTales on Disney XD, I’m reading the new Rainbow Brite comics from Dynamite, I’m watching the new iteration of Will & Grace, and continue to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Reboots are fun; they not only allow fans who loved something to have a nostalgia party, but also allow potential new fans entry points into what sometimes appears to be never-ending streams of content (I’m looking at you, Transformers). But things seem out of hand when even ReBoot, the mid-90s CGI cartoon, has a reboot on Netflix (ReBoot: The Guardian Code). Have reboots become the “safe,” risk-averse way companies can cash in on portfolio properties that already have known fanbases? It’s the equivalent of an artist only drawing fanart because they know it will get thousands of likes versus hundreds on original content.

And I fully admit some level of fatigue with franchises that just keep chugging along, seemingly forever. Every movie that comes out seems to want to be a tentpole franchise builder. Or a reboot of an existing franchise, or a soft reboot that only takes some elements going forward, or an alternate universe or…well, you get the idea.

I love original content. One of the best shows I watched this year was Alex Hirsch’s Gravity Falls (yes, I know I’m rather late to the game). It was a bright spot of originality, something new and not tied to any other content or previous iteration. Many of the anime I watch and enjoy are either original or straight adaptations of an existing manga. I think original content and ideas are important in entertainment. They allow a generation to experience a piece of entertainment in its prime, and have something uniquely “theirs.” Kids of the 60s had Star Trek, kids of the 70s had Star Wars, kids of 80s will always be the original audience for Jem & the Holograms and He-Man/She-Ra, kids of the 90s will always have X-Men TAS and Sailor Moon. (And PGJR, of course haha). No matter if they are rebooted down the road or not, that original experience belongs to the original viewers.

Which is why it’s always hilarious to me when people who hate on the new version of something say “It’s ruining my childhood!” Your childhood is whatever it was, frozen in time. Those original cartoons obviously still exist, and if you have the desire you can watch most of them. A reboot doesn’t destroy the original, no matter how many changes it makes to the original idea. The best reboots can often give us (as adults) what we thought we were watching as children. And often, the reboot can drive traffic back to seek out the original, as adults want to share with children the version they loved at that age.

Which brings us to She-Ra. I didn’t watch any He-Man or She-Ra as a child, for whatever reason. I found He-Man & the Masters of the Universe through the 2002 anime-influenced incarnation (also a great reboot IMO), then went back and watched the 1983 cartoon, followed by the 1985 She-Ra: Princess of Power. I loved it all. Sure, sometimes it was goofy, and there was lots of animation reuse in the older versions, but the core concepts were really strong. They are classic good vs evil, freedom vs tyranny stories, told with engaging casts and crazy creative worlds.

I powered through all 93 episodes of She-Ra during the summer of 2010 while I studied for my board exams. It holds the special place of being the series I turned to to relieve the stress of studying. I love the 80s fantasy girl designs, the color schemes, the powers, the sheer kookiness of the side characters. She-Ra was the OG American magical girl, and I finally understood what all the fuss over this franchise was about. She-Ra feels iconic in the way that characters like Wonder Woman and Sailor Moon do. Yes, she starts out as a spin-off of the successful He-Man franchise, but he makes very few appearances in She-Ra’s cartoon.

But after her initial run, She-Ra remained a virtually dormant property for the next 30 years. He-Man had two different reboots in 1991 and 2002, but She-Ra was stuck in limbo. Only once the Masters of the Universe Classics collectible figure from Mattel released in 2010 did She-Ra finally see the light of day again. Story-wise, the bios on the back of the toy packages gave us a little info about She-Ra’s further adventures, but it wasn’t until the 2012/2013 Masters of the Universe comic from DC that She-Ra comes back, this time in the guise of the villainous Despara. It’s a dark but interesting take on the characters; an exploration of what being raised by the Evil Horde would really do to a person.

Interestingly, this seems to be the jumping-off point for the new “She-Ra and the Princesses of Power” animated series from Dreamworks and Netflix. This show takes as its central theme the relationship between Adora and Catra. When Adora finds the sword that lets her turn into She-Ra, she leaves the Horde – an organization to which she has devoted her life. Almost more importantly, she leaves behind Catra, her best friend. It’s this broken relationship that informs the emotional tone of the rest of the show.

Unlike the 80s version, this time around the Rebellion knows Adora’s identity as She-Ra. It’s an interesting change – shows of the 80s were obsessed with secret identities, and sometimes it could get ridiculous making up excuses for what happened to the other identity of the character every time. Thankfully, that is avoided here, and instead of angst over whether or not you can let people know the real you, we are treated to relationships that ask whether we can accept someone who we know has wronged us before.

Much has been made over this update’s reworking of the body types and ethnicities of the main princesses. While I confess not loving all the updated designs and missing the 80s fairytale warrior goddesses of the original, I understand and fully support the change. Reboots are about viewing something old through the lens of today, and audiences of today want to see themselves in the media they watch or read. We can’t (and shouldn’t) go back to mostly-white casts. The world is a rainbow of colors, and the show feels richer for including them.

Speaking of rainbows, I have to mention the new show’s decidedly queer bent. The relationship between Adora and Catra is somewhere between ex-best-friends and ex-girlfriends in tone. Netossa and Spinerella, long shipped by the fandom, are finally outed in a true relationship this time around. Other characters like Scorpia, Bow, and Entrapta all tap into queer mannerisms and norms as well. The end result is unlike anything else I’ve ever seen in children’s entertainment, and I couldn’t be happier. I wish I’d had something similar as a child, but I’m grateful today’s queer kids have their own heroes.

When we talk about a successful reboot, what are we looking for? Here’s what I think a good reboot need to accomplish.

Bring the characters and concepts of the original property up to date for current audiences.

Explore the characters or world in new and different ways.

Add depth to the original concept.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power does all of these in spades. I think it’s the nicest treatment an 80s female-driven property has gotten in a reboot. The show is full of strong characters with interesting dynamics, great writing, and interesting world building. Yes, some of the episodes can be a bit predictable and the designs are not always my favorite, but everything works together toward a greater whole. I won’t spoil the story for you, because seriously if you haven’t watched this, get thee to Netflix and enjoy!

For the Honor of Grayskull!

Chris

P.S. Can you imagine getting a ✨Princess Gwenevere and the Jewel Riders✨ reboot that brought all this to the table? I’d die!

Read the complete blog at The Jewel Riders Archive! http://www.jewelridersarchive.com/posts/she-ra-the-princesses-of-power-and-reboot-culture/