#like im living life wrong like i shouldn't be this uncomfortable and scared

[sanjarka]

when i was younger this whole ''no romantic or sexual experience" thing made me feel deeply unlovable and it still does but in a different way. now i've somehow convinced myself that i'm not supposed to desire anyone like that. like it's not meant for me. it's me who can't love now. not other people.

[laundryandtaxes]

i've been following for a long time, and i really respect your point of view, so i ask this as a friend seeking guidance, and i hope that its okay that i ask, how can you tell that what you're feeling is gender dysphoria exactly? I've always felt uncomfortable in my body but that is due to a number of things but some things ive been feeling lately, i've been wondering, is this dysphoria im feeling something more than i've realized? I used to have a lot of dreams of my body having different organs but i've never really talked about it with anyone. I have trouble being perceived as masculine or feminine, i didn't like choosing either and it brings up insecurities either way, but i'm still pretty in the closet about my sexuality so i really feel nowhere near comfortable playing with my gender in my house with my family, even though i really want to deep down, idk im sorry im just confused and only getting more so and im a little scared if im being honest and im mad that im scared like.....

I don't think it matters what you call the distress, to be honest, so I think "How do I know whether I'm experiencing gender dysphoria" is basically the same question as "How do I know whether I'm experiencing anxiety or depression," which is to say it's a question that you're better suited to answer than anyone else alive, since diagnostic criteria are not matters of scientifically verifiable facts of experience but human-created ways of categorizing human experiences. Whatever you call it, it sounds very clear to me that you're experiencing some anxiety around your own way of interaction with gendered rituals, clothing, etc, and if your family is likely to judge you very negatively for experimenting with a different way of presenting yourself, it makes a lot of sense to me that you would be very anxious about the desire to do so. It's fully normal and healthy to be scared about the prospect of doing something major in your life, like coming out, or about the prospect of changing something major in your life, such as how you dress. I cannot help you resolve your family situation except to say that a time will come, hopefully, when your parents are dead and you are still alive, and when that time comes I personally think you would very likely regret having lived your life in a way that was meant to make now-dead people happy rather than a way that was intended to bring you joy and peace. That is my personal opinion and my personal set of values- I do not keep anyone in my life that is not willing to/capable of showing me basic respect, which to my mind includes not making snide comments about who or what I am and how I look. I think that is a good way to live one's life, but only you can live yours and some people just value the approval of their family more than I value the approval of mine and more than they value their own sense of wellbeing, and I understand that that's just another way a person can live a life. But I think that any anxiety you feel around messing with the way your dress and generally present yourself is going to necessarily be partly due to your family situation, and if you leave it addressed the anxiety will therefore continue to hang around.

That being said, inasmuch as you can overcome your anxieties related to family acceptance, it's still extremely normal to be scared at the prospect of trying something new. That does not mean you shouldn't try it out, but it means that if you commit to trying something and freak out in the first few days that is not necessarily a cue that you're doing something wrong, it's a normal reaction to major change. You can take two approaches to mitigate this very normal reaction- one, you can move very slowly, introducing maybe small elements to your wardrobe that are a departure for you in the direction you think you'd like to head, like a couple of new shirts or a couple pairs of shoes that feel extra-specially good in the way you're hoping they'll feel good. This approach also allows the people in your life time to adjust, as it is also entirely normal for the people in your life to be jarred by sudden and major changes in what you look like and how you act. Another approach you can take is to go all in on whatever you want to do, with the understanding that (so long as we are not talking about medical interventions) you can literally just stop at any point if you decide you don't want to continue. If you buy one suit and really give it a fair shot, really try to get used to wearing it, and it just never grows on you, you can simply stop sell it and move on. If you get a haircut and you hate it, your hair will simply grow back at some point. People change over the course of a lifetime- that is absolutely guaranteed- and there is very rarely any real need to do any particular thing at any particular moment. Maybe you try something new and you hate it. That's fine, and not at all a problem in and of itself. I hope this helps some and makes sense, but if not feel free to shoot me another message identifying yourself. As you may be able to tell from the fact that I answered this two weeks after you sent it, it is likely to take me some time to get to it but I will really do my best to get back to you. I wish you well!

[jungxk]

// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x