#like if i didn't i probably would just lurk around if i'd even be posting here at all

[niteview]

meant to post this sooner. you can see the vid of this here but he is sooo sweet 🥹💗

[vikkates]

I know I haven't posted in sooooo long, but I'm still here lurking. I have a question for anyone who's still paying any attention to my blog.

In case you didn't know, I'm an American. I've only traveled outside the U.S. a couple of times, and I never left the western hemisphere either time. I've never been to Europe but have always wanted to visit.

In August, I will be going to Kenya. On the way home though, we have a few hour layover in Paris. It will be very early in the morning, so I don't expect anything to really be open, but I'd like to leave the airport and see something. Paris is such an interesting place to me as a lover of European Royal History.

So my questions are: What should I see on a very tight schedule, understanding that nothing will probably be open, and what's the best way to get around? We will have our carry-on bags, so should we just get an Uber, or would public transportation be better even with the bags?

I don't know if any of you actually live in Paris, but I know some of you are European, and I'm hoping you've been there and can give me some advice.

I would appreciate reblogs so as many people as possible can see this, but if you'd rather, please feel free to DM me or send me an ask. I don't have to share it publicly.

THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCE!!!!!! I love you all so much!

[brandstifter-sys]

A Misunderstanding

Word Count: 2741 (Ao3)

Rating: T+

Characters: Remus, Roman, Virgil

Relationships: Dukexiety, Creativitwins, platonic prinxiety

Warnings: Intrusive thoughts, mild gore, innuendo, panic attacks, remus angst

Remus is convinced that Virgil hates him. Roman is tired of hearing about it, and gets to the bottom of things. And Virgil, well he's been desperate to keep a secret for a while, but he might be willing to share a little...

(Inspired by this post before it flew off the rails)

---

Anxiety. That was Virgil’s specialty, whether he was feeling it or causing it in others. So naturally it made sense that Remus would feel anxious about Virgil at least sometimes. 

Roman, however, could not afford to handle Remus' personal woes while he was trying to work. The flood of all the horrible ways Virgil could kill him or abandon him was far too much for one prince. 

“Stop lurking and tell me what you expect me to do about this—I can only listen to your rambling for so long!” he huffed and set his quill in the inkwell on his desk. He then spun to face his bed with the taste of strawberries ghosting over his taste buds. 

“I don't know!” Remus whined and appeared, flopping on the royal sheets, “I'm not trying to think about how he hates me! If I were, you know I'd be thinking about his ass too!” 

“He does have an impressive posterior,” Roman mused before shaking off any of his own lewd imaginings. If Remus could project his thoughts, there was a chance Roman could too.

“Exactly! Which is how you know l’m not trying to think this stuff!” Remus groaned and rolled on his back. 

“Why are you thinking these things? Surely there's some root cause,” Roman sighed. 

“Probably because I scared him really bad a couple years ago. I didn't think it was scary, I just thought it was funny to see how grossed out my fun ideas made everyone.” 

“You were obnoxious back then—I still have nightmares about the talent leeches crawling in my ears!” 

“I'm still obnoxious!” Remus laughed and sat up, “I wish that was the reason he hates me instead!” 

Roman blinked owlishly at him. As the romantic side, he could always tell when someone had strong feelings for someone. He could practically taste the palpable energies in the air. Virgil’s hatred was akin to old gas station coffee, and he used to think he was the one who made that taste the strongest, at least until he saw Virgil interacting with Janus. Not even once did he get that taste when Virgil interacted with Remus. 

“You think he hates you?” 

“Duh! You didn't see his face when I shared my brilliant idea!” Remus pouted. 

“What was the idea?” 

“Basically me getting wrapped up in a spider web and then getting sliced into cute little duke chops when the webs got too tight. Oh! And then a giant spider ate me! It was so ridiculously cartoonish, I figured it wouldn't be too bad! There wasn't even any blood!” 

“And you think that—out of all of the horrors you've shared—that is what he hates you for?” 

“Well I don't share them willingly anymore, so yes, and I don't make it any better! I try to keep it in and it doesn't work!” 

“You actually try to keep those thoughts to yourself?” Roman scoffed incredulously and rose from his chair. His script would have to wait, and soon, so would Remus. 

“You might not believe it because I share with you all the time, but you can poke around in here whenever you want, so I have no problem putting it out there!” Remus retorted and sat up. 

“Then let me poke around before my appointment shows up,” Roman said and sat next to him. 

“You might not like what you find!” Remus teased but let Roman grab his hand. They immediately fell into a trance. 

Sifting through his brother's cluttered mind was often a challenge for Roman, but the memory he wanted was at the top of Remus' mind. Once he found it, he could see everything. 

He found himself looking through Remus' eyes in the common area. He was hiding behind the couch, waiting to strike. Roman could taste Red Bull Blue Edition in the air. He knew that taste was Virgil's platonic appreciation. So he was nearby. 

Remus screeched and jumped from his hiding spot, startling Virgil so badly that he leapt back into the wall. 

“Dude what the fuck?!” Virgil yelped, his voice distorted by the memory. 

“Check this out!” Remus laughed and projected his intrusive thoughts onto Virgil. Roman opted to avoid that part of the memory. The description was more than enough. 

Remus was cackling like a hyena as he released some of his stress. Roman could see the horror taking over Virgil’s face, the blanched skin, the wide eyes, the obvious jump in his heart rate showing in his neck. 

But the taste that he got was far from Red Bull Blue Edition or old gas station coffee. Roman swore it was Monster energy drink. And it became stronger as Remus' laughter died down. 

Remus couldn't taste it, all he could see was the horror etched onto Virgil’s face. This poor idiot had no idea.

Roman came out of his trance and let go of his brother’s hand. Remus looked miserable, slouching and more tired than a moment before. 

“I have to go,” Remus sighed, “I have to feed Winnie, Sarah, and Mary.” Roman said nothing as he sank out. If he needed some time alone, Roman could respect that. 

Plus he was going to ask Remus if leave. He was expecting company. 

And who should show up at that exact moment? 

Roman could taste Red Bull Blue Edition before there was a knock on his door. That was Virgil, of course. He skipped over to let his guest in for their movie night. 

“Ah, Virgil, come in!” he said as he opened the door. Virgil was just standing there with his hands in his hoodie pockets. 

“Is it just you in there?” Virgil asked and stared through Roman, daring him to lie. 

“Yes, Remus just left.” 

Virgil tensed but followed Roman inside, sitting on his bed. He was uncomfortable, more so than usual, as he watched Roman set up the TV. 

“How can you stand having him in your room?” Virgil finally asked, with as much bitterness as he could muster. Roman swore he tasted Monster. 

“He barges in so often I got used to it. As long as he doesn't make a mess it's manageable,” he shrugged, “It's just what brothers do.” 

“But what if he does that thing with your thoughts?” Virgil persisted. Roman glanced over his shoulder and studied Virgil. The man was chewing his thumbnail and curled into himself. Perhaps it was a slip of the tongue, since he and Remus kept their connection a secret. 

“Well, if it's on purpose, we fight. A proper duel. He can't always help himself from projecting his thoughts onto others.” 

Virgil stared at him for a moment, processing his words. Roman finished setting up, oblivious to his confusion. Only when he sat beside his guest did he see that they weren't on the same page. 

“No I meant when he reads your mind and forces you to confront it,” Virgil muttered shyly as the opening credits to Alice in Wonderland played. 

“Remus can't read minds, Virgil. He can't literally get into your head and mess around.” 

Virgil shifted uncomfortably and stared at the screen. Roman knew he was thinking hard about something, something about Remus. 

Roman knew better than to interrupt Virgil’s musings, at least not when he was calm. And he had to watch his movie! 

It was just after Alice got away from the caterpillar that either one spoke. 

“Do you hate him?” Roman asked Virgil, pulling him from his trance. 

“What?” 

“Do you hate Remus?” he repeated, already aware that Virgil didn't. 

“No? You know what my hate looks like.” 

“Then you avoid him because you think he can read your mind?” 

“Exactly. He did it before and I don't want him to do it again.” 

“Virgil, he cannot read your mind. Remus has no idea what you're thinking. In fact, he is convinced that you hate him.” 

“But I don't. I don't hate Remus,” Virgil huffed and curled into himself. 

Roman could taste a hint of Monster in the air. He could see the faint blush under that white foundation. And then it clicked like a dislocated bone getting reset. 

“Then tell him that. I can tell when someone is in love or loathing and he doesn't believe me!” Roman groaned and flopped on his back. 

EEP

Roman let out a manly squeal and Virgil yanked him up by the shirt collar. 

“What did you tell him?!” Virgil barked, his eye shadow turning as black as pitch and his eyes blazing with rage. 

“That you don't hate him!” Roman retorted and pushed him away, “I know what your hate tastes like and I know you don't hate him! What more is there to tell?” 

Virgil let go of his shirt and blanched. 

“You like him,” Roman muttered, “Don't you?” 

Virgil stayed silent and unnervingly still.

“I swear on my beloved sword that I won't tell anyone, and I won't tell anyone if you decide to clarify.” 

“I—uh—” Virgil hesitated and squirmed towards the edge of the bed, ready to make a quick escape. 

“You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to,” Roman added. 

“I like him, a lot. And that's terrifying.” 

“It is. But it can be exhilarating if you give it a chance,” Roman agreed, “As long as you don't let that fear control you.”

Virgil visibly relaxed and shook his head. 

“So he can't read my mind, and he thinks I hate him. Fuck, I have to be the one to fix it.” 

“Should I pause the movie and we finish it next week?” Roman suggested, all too aware that this would eat away at Virgil for a while. 

“Yeah. I'll talk to him soon, after I—” his spine went rigid and his irises flashed violet, “—shit.” 

Roman watched him vanish in a puff of wispy black smoke. Someone was having a rather anxious time and Roman would not get in the way of Anxiety stepping in before it got bad. 

---

Remus kept his room clean and orderly because he couldn't do the same with his head. But as he lay on his bed, Remus couldn't stop the chaos from leaking out. 

The misty figures flitting in and out of sight were agony incarnate. Dozens of his own corpses littered the floor and reanimated themselves to play back their gruesome deaths over and over. And then causes were all the same, even if the methods weren't—different versions of Virgil, pissed off and sickeningly satisfied with the bloodshed. 

Remus curled into a fetal position and squeezed his eyes shut. He could still see everything that was happening. He couldn't escape. 

Why did Roman have to look at that memory? It was like pulling a cork on a sinking boat, and Remus was drowning. 

Virgil hated him. It was all his own fault! He had to live with that while his heart yearned for that edgy snack. Was he so vile and fucked up that the universe wanted him to suffer? Wasn't it enough that he lost his best friend? Why did his chaotic ass have to catch feelings for the one person who despised him? 

If Virgil knew, there was no doubt in Remus' mind, that he would torture Remus and kill him, without any of the fun stuff. 

Remus trembled as the visions and thoughts got louder, clearer. He was gasping for breath, praying for his heart to slow enough for him to sleep through these waking night terrors. 

“This doesn't look like the BDSM you're into.” 

Remus' eyes shot open. That voice couldn't be real but he knew it wasn't imaginary. 

Virgil, the real Virgil, was approaching him, walking through the mist and clearing it like some sort of fallen angel. 

Remus swore he hadn't been crying before Virgil arrived and yet his cheeks were wet. Did he accidentally summon him with his own anxiety? 

“Hey,” Virgil said and knelt by him, “You're okay, you're safe.” Remus sniffled as Virgil thumbed away his tears. 

“You don't have to stay,” he muttered and closed his eyes. Virgil could leave and bleach his mind to forget everything he saw. And he wouldn't have any excuse to enjoy Remus' suffering with that escape. 

“I want to,” Virgil said softly, “Let's get you calmed down, alright?” 

Remus dared look at him, expecting all the smugness in the world to be plastered on that face. He was surprised to see the apologetic half-smile and worried brow framing those tired, sad eyes. 

“Just breathe with me, follow my lead.* 

Remus followed Virgil's steady rhythm. In and out, like the tides. His visions faded, even if they didn't disappear. The screams and agonized wails quieted, though they weren't snuffed out. 

“That's it, you're doing good,” Virgil hummed and placed a hand on the duke’s side. 

“Why—Why are you being so nice to me?” Remus hiccuped. 

“Because you're having a panic attack,” Virgil said softly, “And I'm tired of running.” 

“What?” 

“I’m tired of running. And Roman told me something that made it easier to stop.”’

“What did he tell you? That I'm pathetic enough to beat down without poisoning you?” Remus sighed. He was too exhausted to bring back his bubbly attitude. He was doing his best to keep from getting gruesome, if only so he wouldn't fall back into panic. 

“No, he might be that mean to your face, but he's not that cruel,” Virgil sighed and gently rubbed Remus' side. 

“He told me you can't read minds.” 

“You thought I could read minds?” Remus gawked, “What gave you that idea?” 

Virgil took a deep breath and swallowed his fears. Remus deserved to know the truth, or at least part of it. 

“Do you remember a few years ago, when you jumped out and tried to scare me? I thought you got in my head and pulled out one of my darker thoughts,” Virgil admitted shyly, “I was surprised when you started laughing at the sight of your fileted body. I was scared that you could invade my mind.” 

Remus sat up and stared at Virgil. 

“You don't hate me?” he gawked. 

Virgil shook his head and sat next to him. Remus' heart thundered in his chest. Virgil never got this close before, and Remus couldn't be sure if this reaction was based off his feelings or the simple fact that Virgil was anxiety. 

“Believe it or not, I can't hate you. You're the only person I know who isn't scared of my thoughts. You might be annoying sometimes and I get frustrated but I don't hate you.” 

“Does that mean you like me?” Remus asked and leaned on his shoulder. 

“It doesn't mean that, but I like you,” Virgil admitted and wrapped an arm around him, “You’re exhausted.” 

“Mhm,” Remus nodded and closed his eyes, “Panicking makes me tired. How do you do it?” 

“I’m always tired,” he shrugged, “If you need to sleep I won't stop you.” 

“Can you stay with me? If I have a really bad dream I might drag you back anyway,” Remus muttered, already fading. 

Virgil smiled to himself and coaxed Remus to lie down again. He relaxed beside the tired menace and ran a hand through his skunky hair. 

“I'll be right here, Reek.” 

Remus giggled and hugged him, nuzzling his chest. This imp knew just how to keep him on edge! But this time, Virgil didn't mind. 

“I’m snuggling a Scare Bear!” he cooed, half aware of what he was saying, “You’re warm and comfy when you're not trying to kill me for crushing.” 

Virgil knew his eye shadow was sparkling purple even if he couldn't see it. Remus certainly couldn't, not when he was drifting off so peacefully. 

Virgil was almost sad Remus couldn't read his mind, at least in that moment. He had so many things jumbled in his head that he couldn't put into words. He was too elated to think, too overwhelmed to leave and scream into a pillow like some lovesick teenager. 

So instead, Virgil pressed his lips to Remus' forehead and pulled him closer. He could tell Remus the whole truth when they woke up.

.

.

Not long after the pair fell asleep in each other's arms, Roman decided to check in on his brother. 

He rose up and instantly gagged at the horrible flavor assaulting him. Cocktail sauce and Monster. The poor prince got one look at the sleeping gremlins and sank out. 

There wasn't enough mouthwash in the world to cleanse his pallet!

[voidscarredadjudicator]

A VERY lengthy ramble about Salmonids, Grizzco, and Big Run.

Aaaand this is the follow up to my previous long post where I talked about the new Drizzle Season maps with my stream of consciousness observations. It is long. I am sorry.

Now, I seem to be in the minority when I say that I absolutely love Big Run as an event. I sort of get this vibe that a lot of people aren't happy with it, and considering how infrequent it is compared to Splatfests, I can't say I blame them - especially considering how stacked against the odds the reward system is. Like, top 5% of the entire playerbase for a gold statue? The playerbase of one of the best selling Nintendo games of recent memory? That's a lot of people who're gonna be left in the dust simply by design. I honestly can't fathom why they made the PvE gamemode's event more competitive than the PvP one, but for someone like me? Between the two, I do enjoy Big Run more. I prefer mastering a difficult challenge with a rare accolade to prove it over the stomping/getting stomped that comes with Splatfests.

So yeah, there's gonna be a Big Run arc in Humanity's Endling. I am biased. I will admit to this. In fact, I'm even willing to spill the beans on the fact that Act II is the Big Run arc. You may think it odd that the Big Run arc is gonna be happening before the inevitable Alterna arc, but keep in mind that you are technically able to experience Big Run before the main story. In fact, the original trailer for Big Run sorta inadvertently hints at this since Mr. Grizz's radio is still the bear eating the fish, rather than the new one you get after clearing the main story. Now obviously, that's likely the case since Nintendo didn't wanna spoil that detail, but it's worth keeping in mind that the main story can just... never be done on a save file. Could be the final damn Splatfest of S3 before some asshole decides to actually do something about Cuttlefish lurking in the manhole, y'know?

Anyways, Um'ami Ruins as a Big Run map is... interesting. The first three maps we've had have all had some obvious way for the Salmonids to arrive - Wahoo World is on the coast, Inkblot was built on a river, and Undertow is literally the sewers, but Um'ami?

We are in the desert. There is no water.

...or is there?

Now, bear with me for a second, because I'm gonna go full detective here. Full theorist. A game theorist, if you wi- *gets shot*

Why would the Salmonids even want to attack these ruins to begin with? Do they have some kind of deep rooted cultural vendetta against the people who built this place? Is there some sort of ancient artifact interred within these grounds which holds unfathomable power? Are the Salmonids simply stupid?

No, no, and no comment. It's a lot simpler, actually.

They're not after the ruins. They're after the town next to the ruins.

That clearly isn't Splatsville. It's nowhere near big enough. It's just some tiny town in the middle of literally nowhere that just so happens to border these ruins, and is likely where the excavators and archeologists that are working here live. Additionally, such a town in the middle of nowhere would need some kind of way to get water, and there's this cool invention made by none other than Mario "Jumpman" Mario himself (source: trust me) called 'motherfucking pipes'. Those pipes probably run under/around the ruins - hell, those pipes getting built might even be how the ruins got discovered in the first place - and the Salmonids, being the chaos incarnates that they are, hitched a ride.

But if that's the case, why are we fighting them in the ruins? One of two reasons: they're trying to secure the ruins as some sort of outpost first and we're stopping them before they do that, or Grizzco is actively countering them by cutting off their advance at the ruins themselves. I'd imagine there's likely some sort of measures at play as well to cut off the flow of pipes for the exact situation of, "oh god there's hundreds of fish climbing out of my toilet", which would even explain how all that water gets there. The waterways are closed; wherever it wells up is where Grizzco moves in, as that's the only place the Salmonids can emerge.

That's probably why the alarms were going off in Undertow Spillway, beyond a literal 'perimeter breach' alarm. They likely closed off every waterway going to/from the place to contain the advance, it gets dangerously close to overflowing, alarms start ringing... this is right underneath the city. Shit was dire.

Big Run is a phenomenon that is as much a natural disaster as it is a literal act of war. We get to play as the soldiers, since that's the 'fun' part, but like with any hurricane, tornado, typhoon, forest fire, flood, or earthquake, there's so many moving parts to the response that a lot of people don't know about. First responders, evac, medical, meteorological, just to name a few.

A lot of people seem to be under the impression that the Salmonids are just hapless victims of Grizzco, and Big Run is just them striking back after dealing with Grizzco for so long, but honestly? I disagree. I mean, Grizzco ain't exactly squeaky clean, that's for damn sure, but the Salmonids aren't all that great either. They have their own culture and belief system for how the world works, and part of that culture is one that idolizes combat to the point where they'll attack in droves simply because the clouds dictate. If anything, they probably respect Grizzco and it's workers to some degree for being such formidable opponents time and time again.

Big Runs have been happening long enough for them to be mentioned in what's more or less the closest thing to an in-universe equivalent of the Bible, so their aggression is pretty heavily and historically documented. And clearly, they have no interest in joining the wider society outside of their clans in their murky waters (with Little Buddy being an extraordinary exception). Every sect of their society is trained for fighting one way or another; the smarter ones build and pilot weapons, the stronger ones are commanders, and they even have a place for the inexperienced where they serve as the snatchers. Their entire belief system is predicated on the idea that conflict makes one whole, that fighting and then dying is a process that lets them serve the cycle of nature. It's so deeply engrained into their way of life that they arm their children and send them to fight and die as well. They're a proud warrior race, through and through.

Does that justify Grizzco moving in to take their eggs? Because keep in mind, the Splatoon universe is also undergoing a constant energy crisis, and while we know Grizzco is doing shady stuff with the Golden Eggs... we're still collecting Power Eggs, too. In fact, that's literally the name of the job position - 'Freelance Power Egg Collector'.

On top of that, Grizzco isn't really keeping it secret. They're very open about what exactly is done. You go in, you fight Salmonids, you get their eggs, and you come back. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. It's legal, somehow.

Grizzco is likely providing legitimate aid for society through egg collection, which is probably how it's been able to grow to begin with - despite it being a front for Mr. Grizz's own schemes. Not only that, but society relies on Grizzco during Big Run. You can hate them all you want, but they're the ones who're making sure you still have a city to live in and power to run your damn internet.

But also, it's clearly not impossible to have some kind of positive relationship with the Salmonids, as the Octarians have managed to get some kind of trade deal going with them - although as of Splatoon 3, the Octarians seem to be less an actual army and more just the last few groupies Octavio still has after the Squid Sisters pulled some inspirational anime moment hijinks through the power of song twice. It just seems like the only thing the Salmonids are interested in are... more weapons. Weapons that they will then use during Big Run.

Imagine your neighbor breaking into your home and stabbing you with a knife you let him borrow because the clouds 'told him to'. It's... sorta easy to see why the rest of society hasn't really tried doing that. The Octarians probably didn't have much choice - or were at least comfortable with the trade since the Salmonids dwell on the surface, so they wouldn't be affected by their stampede.

Really though, it's a matter of two different shades of gray in constant opposition with each other. Lawful Evil versus Chaotic Neutral. Pick your poison.

If you haven't noticed, I've given this a lot of thought. Kaleb will have a ton to say in Act II about this whole situation. It truly is a uniquely fucked scenario, especially for someone who's world was taken away because of fighting like that... and that's without even getting into the actual things that'll happen during that act.

Before this post gets any longer, I do wanna put out a headcanon that'll be present during Act II, and that's the idea that there's only one Big Run that happens. I find it really weird and frankly absurd that this legendary, prophesized event of utter devastation at the hands of the Salmonids is... a neat, two day event that happens once every few months where they attack a single place and then leave. It's quite literally a biblical event, what's the deal?

So basically, the way I picture it is that Big Run is closer to a week, maybe longer, and basically everywhere is being attacked at once. Like, each Big Run we do ingame is just another theater for the fighting that's happening at the same time as the previous runs. Or, in other words, Wahoo World is under attack at the same time as Um'ami, and Inkblot is under attack at the same time as Undertow, and they're all under attack right now all at once. The fact that Mr. Grizz always acts like you've never heard of Big Run when it starts and the fact that you can hear the fighting in Inkopolis Square no matter the map honestly kinda lends to this idea.

It's just spaced out weirdly in the actual game's event lineup because having Big Run be a week long event that happens only once in the game's entire lifespan would be incredibly stupid from a commercial standpoint. Yes, I am huffing copium.

Anyways, I'm gonna stop myself here because holy shit this is a long post and it's so late that it's early. My sleep schedule is in shambles. I enjoy making these, though. I might do one regarding Alterna & Mr. Grizz himself when we get closer to the Alterna arc. Also I will still be playing Big Run tomorrow. Join me if you dare.

[theambivalentagender]

I love your comic!! What inspired you to share Zekes story?

There's a lot to this answer so buckle up.

I've always been a writer, ever since I was a little kid telling stories has been my entire life's goal. But its been a struggle, and for a long time I've felt kinda lost in trying to survive taking soul sucking desk jobs. It honestly destroyed any desire I had to create.

And then at the beginning of 2022 I got abruptly fired (for what I don't think are honest reasons but that's another story). And then I found myself just not being able to land a new job no matter what I did - I worked in a tech-adjacent industry and know others in similar positions also have had these issues. Weeks turned into months, and my mental health took a nosedive.

That summer I noticed one of my long time close friends kept popping up on steam playing Stardew Valley at odd hours in the morning. I'd heard of the game before, I loved farming sims, and I really needed a distraction. So I finally bought it.

Long story short, several hours into the game this motherfucker hits me up with this line:

So you can imagine what that did to my psyche. I got so god damn invested in the game. Like I do with any game, I started modding the crap out of it, mostly to add more lines for Shane. And then I found myself imagining my own little story with my farmer.

For a good while this was just a dumb headcanon story I had every time I played Stardew. But then I found myself actually plotting things out, connecting different aspects of SDV that were "unexplained" or "implied" with the story I was developing in my head. And then I realized - I was making a story again. I was feeling the exact same way I used to feel when I would plan out and write a play, or a short story, or one of my many unfinished novels. It was such a good feeling, and I started coming around to the idea that I shouldn't just keep this story in my head.

I dealt with a lot of self doubt over it of course. The last time I wrote anything like fanfiction was when I was 10 and it was a HP fanfic where I misspelled Slytherin in five different ways. Some part of me felt like it would be wasting time because I wouldn't make money off of it. Another part of me worried I'd be mocked for writing an entire self-indulgent story about a borderline self-insert character romancing a grumpy pixel man, when I was nearly 30 living in an apartment with a long term partner and shouldn't be doing such *childish things*.

I lurked around the SDV fandom for a long time before actually posting anything, and seeing other people, often people close to my own age, doing exactly what I was afraid of because fuck it, we're adults and we get to decide what that means, really helped. It also helped to see a positive community praising and supporting creators of all skill levels.

As for the money thing, I ended up "justifying" it to myself that if I made myself draw just about every day working on the comic (since I had decided to make it a comic rather than a fanfic), that would help me bring my art skills up to par with my writing skills. And, well, it would probably help my mental health if I had something productive to work on while I still looked for a job, because there's only so many times you can rotate between various video games.

I honestly didn't expect the comic to get as much attention as it has. But I told myself even if nobody cared about it, I'd make it for the one person who wanted to see this story play out - me.

[daybreak-tkler]

❝To Save Seoul...❞

Lee(s): Superhero! Mark

Ler(s): Supervillain! Haechan

Small Synopsis: Mark has saved the city of Seoul countless times, he is their hero through and through. Can he be their savior once more when their fate rests in his ability to keep his lips sewn shut?

a/n: this was my wip that you may have previously known by it's former title "the giggle machine!" :D I hope you like this extra long fic, because I wanted to give back to you all! I just wanted to thank everyone who gave my fics a chance and loved them as well as the characters in them. I never would have thought after posting "Explorer" back in June that i'd get this much attention again like I did before when I wrote bts works and your continued support has carried me through the second half of 2022. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you, and I can't wait to see you all in 2023! Please like, reblog, scream at me in my asks and share this fic to all of your lee, ler and switch friends! Your love makes me more motivated to write!

also... the names of our hero/villain duo as well as their powers are all my own idea!

High above the buildings of Seoul, a hero waits wity baited breath. New Years eve was a day many cherished. It was the sign of new beginnings, a fueled desire to do even better in the next year than you had in this one. And most of all, it was a time where most liked to party; especially younger people. Our hero, SilverStorm was his name, knows better than anybody that on such a populated night... There was bound to be some villains lurking in the darkness and waiting to cause trouble.

SilverStorm, who was better known out of his persona as Mark Lee the writing major at college, gazes over the city from above, perched atop one of the many tall building's Seoul had to offer. The streets still bustled even in the darkest of nights. The neon signs that adorned the sides and fronts of buildings seem much more vibrant in the dusk, and they do a good job at illuminating the populated streets of college students and older adults who were clearly outside to have a drink or three. It was the last day of the year, after all. Mark sighs to himself, remembering what he had sacrificed in order to save the city. Renjun, his highschool crush and prettiest boy on campus, had invited him to go drinking with a few friends. Unfortunately, Mark knew what kind of trouble would be lurking around on such a busy evening.

So he had to opt out.

It was so annoying, Mark thought as he flew down from his perch to land on one of the shorter buildings below, because he knew that if he didn't go drinking with Renjun... Jaemin and Jeno would. Mark always got jealous whenever his crush hung around with those two. They were too into him! It irked Mark more than it probably should have. He dusted off his silver hero suit. It was a dull silver colour (so that he didn't shine too aggressively and get caught) and had angel-esque wings attached to its back, making him able to fly. He also had the same powers that most superhumans did.. super strength, super speed... that whole shebang. He wore a matching black and silver mask over his face and he had a hood to mask his raven hair - mainly to protect his identity from people.

He drifts down a bit further and peeks his head around the side of a taller building. They were nearby the college campus.. which means.. "Gotcha," he grunts as he spots his target. The Crimson Knight... his archenemy. He knew that the supervillain was around his age, and couldn't for the life of him ever figure out why anybody his own age would act so wild and chaotic. Mark squints his eyes to try and figure out where on Earth the villain could be heading. Then, it clicks. Zhong Chenle's New Year's party... of course! So many people their age would be attending that party, so the supervillain wanted to crash it..!

Not on his watch.

Quietly, he tries to keep up with the supervillain. He takes precaution, because he wasn't a huge fan of the idea of getting caught and fighting it out with the villain right now. Not when he still didn't know what Crimson Knight was planning. He follows the other man pretty far and it isn't until he makes it right to the window of Chenle's penthouse kitchen that he loses sight of the supervillain entirely. Mark firgures that he should stay alert for wherever the cunning villain had gone. He grips onto the deep ebony pipe that traveled down the side of the block of penthouses, hiding beside the clear glass window so that he wouldn't be spotted by any party-goers.

Zhong Chenle was a boy who was in his second year at college, a year below Mark, and he was stacked. Hence why he had the top penthouse nearby the campus, his parents bought it when he first arrived in Korea. Everybody on campus knew him and they all wanted to be his friend or have some form of relation with him. Mark didn't know much about the boy, personally. The only reason he knew him was through Renjun, who had been pleased to find another Chinese friend on campus.

Mark had been all but focused on Crimson Knight until he wasn't. In all honesty, he doesn't recall when he stopped looking out for the villain. He figures that it wouldn't be a crime to inconspicuously look through the window and see if he could spot Renjun... so he does. He looks around as much as he can from the kitchen window and that's when he sees it. "Son of a...!" Mark curses, much louder than he intended since some guy who was drinking a canned beer heard him and turned to gaze at the window. Luckily, he managed to duck in time. He waits for a moment before popping his head back up and cursing under his breath. Right there, in Chenle's massive lounge, was Renjun being chatted up by Jeno and Jaemin. Not only was he looking absolutely fine in those jeans, but he was blushing at the two as well!!

Mark couldn't believe his eyes at first, and he especially couldn't when Jeno (the really smiley guy that everyone loved) took Renjun's hand and playfully spun the shorter boy around. God dammit! Why couldn't that be Mark spinning Renjun around like that?! He couldn't stop staring at the three of them, presumably gazing at them flirting with one another. "Got the lover blues, hmm?~" a voice coos in his ear and he shrieks, ducking below the window again in panic. "Who the hell...?!" he turns to look in the direction the voice had come from.

But the next thing he knew, everything was black.

-🌃-

The superhero of Seoul wakes up again at least an hour later, head foggy and vision blurry. It takes a few long minutes for him to shake himself back to reality, and the first thing that helps with that is the fact that his arms are pinned up and outstretched either side of him. "Wh-Wha..?" he murmurs groggily. "Well, well, well!! Our powerful hero is finally back with us!! Did you have a nice nap, sweets?~" a familiar voice sings. Mark raises his head up, not initially noticing that his mask is pulled down and his hood is also down. "Crimson Knight..?" he asks under his breath.

"Wait.. Mark?! Mark is SilverStorm?" another familiar voice says in bewilderment. No way that he's here too..

Just as he suspected, Renjun and his other friends are all tied up behind the supervillain. The strangest part was... They certainly weren't tied the same way that Mark was. "Huh, who would've thought... I just had the impression that he was a loser lyricist that hated partying.." Chenle snickers from where he sits, arms behind his back and knees bound together so he couldn't escape, like the rest of his friends. Now that Mark was more awake, he could assess the situation better. Crimson Knight stood before him, in his signature long deep red coat. Behind thehe supervillain was Renjun, Jaemin, Jeno, Chenle and Chenle's boyfriend Jisung. They were all tied up. "What's the deal, Knight? Why tie them up too?" Mark asks with a scowl. The villain merely titters "Assess your own situation first, mister SilverStorm, then maybe you'll understand more~"

Mark skeptically looks around at his own predicament. His legs were outstretched before him, locked away like his wrists were. He was strapped to some sort of device that had a chart beside it. The little chart, he soon figures out, is a tracker with a little arrow that has five faces displayed in a row. At the moment, the arrow was pointing to the first face "Not Laughing". It was strange, but the last face was really what set the hero off in a panic. "Ka-Boom" with a picture of an explosion. "What the hell is this?" Mark queries with a glare.

"Why, I'm so glad you asked!~" the villain chirps. "This smart machine you've found yourself attached to is called "The Giggle Machine"! And it'll track your laughter through that microphone, following these five stages and then when it reaches stage five... everything goes boom!" Crimson Knight finally explains with the proudest grin Mark had ever seen. "Your friends are here to watch you fail and blow up the city!~"

Mark was confused... giggle machine?,, blow up the city? What was he talking about? "Wait I recognize that voice.. Oh that's totally the guy from Jisung's music class, he never attends! His name is like.. Haechan or something?" Chenle chimes in, clearly not at all concerned about what the supervillain had just said. Jisung nods his head in agreement "It's totally him but... LeLe we have more pressing matters!" he hisses to his shorter companion. Haechan rolls his eyes, seeing that Mark still wasn't getting it. "C'mon, Stormy, it's not that difficult! I'm gonna tickle you, duh! How else would you laugh up a storm for me? Hah! See what I did there?~" he turns around to his literal captive audience who just nod in fear of what a supervillain might do to them. "Super clever, dude," Jeno praises him with an awkward grin.

Mark immediately shakes his head, pulling on his trapped ankles with as much force as he could muster. Now that he thought about it, it was a little strange that his shoes had bern taken off. Haechan sits down on the floor with a wicked grin. The evening breeze was getting quite chilled atop the penhouse block. It was either that, or Mark was getting really nervous for some reason. He couldn't be that ticklish.. could he? His answer is given to him rather quickly as Haechan trails a finger down the black sock protecting his foot and his whole body twitches. "Awh.. tickle tickle tickle!!~" he teases as he sets off immediately to scrabbling at the bottoms of Mark's feet. "This is gonna sound really stupid but... Hold your breath, Mark! That should keep you from laughing!" Jaemin suggests from where he's trapped. The hero follows his instructions, taking a deep breath in and holding it. Haechan tuts "Y'know... it's only going to be all the more satisfying when you start laughing!" he smirks as he scratches all over the superhero's soles.

Never in his life had Mark needed to keep his lips sewn shut like this... it was surprisingly difficult when Haechan kept scribbling across his arches and squeezing his knees. He kept teasing him, too, "I know you're gonna break soon~" and the more he heard that phrase, the more he felt like he was going to give in. He can just about see behind the supervillain, that the captive audience was doing their best to escape to lend him a hand. Mark knew he was a goner the second Haechan's tanned fingers tickle his lower tummy. "Nohohohohot thehehehere, crap!" he curses as the laughter pours out of his mouth.. much to the satisfaction of the villain causing his tickly plight. "Plehehhehehease stohohohop ihihit!" Mark begs as Haechan returns to mercilessly scrabbling his soles. Out of the corner of his eye he could make out the chart from before. The green arrow was slowly moving away from the "Not Laughing" face and ticking towards the second face "Giggly Mess".

The hero didn't know how he could help himself, he was trapped and his powers couldn't get him out of this situation at all.. he was stuck, laughing at the hands of his archenemy until the city blew up. Because now that he had started to laugh, he just couldn't stop! It was part of Haechan's super power, he thinks, and damn if the villain wasn't a genius for setting all this up. "Ehehahhaha! Plehehheehase not my hihihihihihips!" he squirms in his restraints, earning a coo of faux sympathy from the villain. "Is Markie too ticklish there?~ Is he about to move the arrow to stage three already?~" the evil male meanly coos at him. He couldn't help himself! Especially as the villain trailed his skittering fingers up his sides, ticklishly wiggling them in the hollows of his underarms. He couldn't believe what was happening right now, was Haechan really going to win here? Was the whole city going to explode because Mark was too ticklish?

As the night continued on, Mark could tell that the arrow was getting dangerously close to the "Ka-Boom" face on the chart, but he couldn't stop himself from laughing and squeaking. The supervillain made sure to get every spot, wiggling and poking his fingers at every expanse of sensitivity. "Pleheheheehease! You dohohohon't wahahahaant thihis do you?" he genuinely begs the villain to stop the torture. Haechan evilly chuckles. "I would like nothing more... it'll be so satisfying~" he sings as he squeezes Mark's sides over and over, letting out a satisfied coo at every squeak and giggle. "Watching you squirm and writhe and having you be responsible for Seoul's destruction.... I couldn't be happier~"

The arrow ticks closer and closer... and as it does, distant voices cheer and scream, excited to start the new year's countdown and all hope seems lost as Mark helplessly laughs at his ribs being plucked. "Hey, Crimson Knight!" a voice from behind them calls out. Haechan spins around in confusion, allowing Mark to heave in a few breaths. "Huang? How did you even escape?!" the villain asks in confusion as Renjun stands tall before him. "Magic..~" the short man winks. "Mark! Oh, sorry, SilverStorm... Do us all a favor and send this guy to sleep!" Renjun snaps his fingers the superhero pulls at his limbs, he's suddenly free! He leaps up from where he was tied and, using his superpowers, sends the supervillain into a deep sleep. In the distance, the countdown has began as soon as Haechan grunts and its the floor.

"10! 9! 8! 7..!"

"Woohoo!!" Chenle excitedly cheers "That was so cool! I didn't know Renjun hyung was magic!!"

The shorter man bashfully smiles, shaking his head. "It was nothing... but uh..! Mark!" he quickly looks up and locks eyes with the hero. "Ticklish or not, you're still a cool hero," he grins. And just as the echoing voices yell "Happy New Year!" the smaller places a kiss on the hero's cheek, making Mark become flushed.

"That's cute n' all... but could you untie us so we can figure out what to do with Haechan?" Jaemin huffs out a laugh.

"Only if you guys pretend that you don't know my identity,"

[avelera]

🌟

Hmm, so since this basically a "blank space" for the fanfiction writer meme around what we want to talk about, I think I'll use it for a question to dicuss the differences between Giving Sanctuary and "Come live with me", as I see them.

Both stories are quite domestic in their way. They both revolve around different variations on Dream and Hob being married, living in a house together, and sharing something adjacent to a normal human life together.

Now, there's some pretty big variations based on one taking place in their 1689 era and the other taking place in their 1789 era (well, 1818, cuz Hob needed to make some amends before I'd write a long form romance about him, of course). They approach these relationships very differently in each fic as a result of their respective premises, for example, GS Dream respects Hob from the outset but is very hesitant to broach the subject of a physical relationship. GS Dream also tells Hob about Death being the true source of his immortality right away, as part of that respect, because he can't move forward in good conscience without telling the truth about this.

In contrast, CLWM Dream jumps feet first into a physical relationship with Hob (post 1789, Dream is very aware that Hob is interested in one!) but he doesn't really respect Hob just yet, so he's much more secretive, and once he does begin to respect Hob, he's not hesitant about sex he's hesitant about telling Hob the truth about the source of his immortality, for fear of losing him.

One huge difference between these fics which is quite relevant to CLWM in the long-term, which is Dream's discussion with Death in ch. 3 of GS, when he learns that Hob is truly an immortal, not just a mortal with an artificially extended life span. That means Hob is safe if Dream does want to expand upon their relationship. CLWM Dream has not had a discussion like this yet, not one he trusts anyway, and that is indeed informing a lot of his interactions with Hob now and later in the fic.

And finally, while I do try to keep GS and CLWM clearly siloed in my head, there have been a few more references to 1689 in the last few chapters of CLWM that I've posted which could be considered bleed-through. It was, in part, because I was coming down from a pause in CLWM to write a bunch of GS. Now, CLWM and GS obviously don't take place in the same universe, but I think after jumping back into CLWM from GS I began to see a bit of a tragedy in that.

I started writing CLWM first and really intended it as like a fun, light-hearted quippy romcom, whereas GS is my heavier emotional catharsis piece, very internal with a lot of angst. But there is a brittle sort of angst lurking in the background of CLWM that I think getting to the catharsis of GS sort of brought forward for me, which is that GS didn't happen in this universe.

Dream and Hob in CWLM didn't bond over the loss of their sons. They're both carrying that pain around with them and at this point, they probably won't ever talk about it with each other with the depth and sensitivity they did in GS. The moment has passed. It's been 200+ years for Hob since he lost his family, he's moved on, insofar as one can. Likewise, Dream has further calcified into cruelty, his outer shell of ice is even dense now after another century of just sitting with his pain. He really did approach this year with Hob as something of a booty call, figuring that so long as he gave Hob the physical relationship he learned that Hob wanted back in 1789 (and that Dream wants too) that would be enough to make Hob put up with him for a year and continue to feed off the barest scraps of information Dream gave in.

Dream doesn't fully respect Hob yet in CLWM, not until after the dinner party, whereas in GS they began from the perspective of Hob having things to teach Dream about managing grief, things Dream wanted to learn from Hob and that he was humbled to realize Hob knew more about than he did. That's only sort of barely happened in CLWM, mostly Dream just realized Hob might leave him if Dream continues to be a prick, which isn't quite the same thing as seeing Hob as better than him at some things, someone worth learning from.

So CLWM is more fun, yes. It's more snarky. They're banter and jokes and domesticity and dancing and flowers and all that good stuff. But there is sort of this underlying iciness and pain that was never addressed, wounds that were never lanced, that make Hob and Dream just a little colder with each other, just a little more wearing masks around each other, just a little more focused on wit and cutting banter than on truly seeing one another and being focused on caring for one another, unlike GS, where that's the focus of what they cared about. And in a way, there's something just a little bit sad about that, for both of them.

[excusethequality]

My 2024 in Film: March, part. 1

It would seem that I watched too many movies in March for Tumblr to handle!

By which I mean that it turns out there's a limit on the number of images you can attach to a single post and I watched more than that.

But I've been liking having a picture to go with each entry, so I'm gonna have to just split this one into two posts. Which means that you get two big posts instead of one monstrous post.

So really this is probably for the best?

Anyways, it was a month of extremes. Some soaring highs and some rage inducing lows.

So join me as I ramble about such things as: classic documentaries, experiments in gender, why the Academy can die in a fire, the difference between bad movies that are interesting and bad movies that make you wonder why you did this to yourself, and more!

* = rewatched

37.

Scream VI

(2023)

— Meta Horror Directed by: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett

The people who were still alive after Scream 5 are back, weirdly not harboring any sort of PTSD from what they lived through, and living in NYC. That's right: Scream is lost in New York.

Both these new Screams want to create a new franchise with a new cast of characters. Cool. I always appreciate when someone tries to move the timeline forward instead of just remixing the original.

But it's hard for me to care about these new characters, because there's shockingly little character development. I'd swear the last movie never happened, because the new crew seem utterly unfazed from having narrowly survived being brutally slaughtered and having witnessed the deaths of close friends and family.

And the two main characters are the most boring of them all!

I know a lot of people would disagree with me and love this one. So clearly there's a difference of opinions out there.

I will say that I liked this a LOT more than 5. Moving the location from Woodsboro was a great move and was a lot more fun than I was expecting.

And, I know this isn't what I should have been focusing on, but the Halloween costumes in this movie?! They are fantastic. There are so many great ones lurking in the backgrounds of shots. Far and away my favorite part of the movie was trying to identify all the Halloween costumes.

38.

An American Pickle

(2020)

—Comedy Fantasy Drama Directed by: Brandon Trost Based on: “Sell Out” by Simon Rich

An immigrant to America falls into a pickle vat in 1919 and is preserved until it is opened 100 years later. Now lost in the strange new world of the present he tracks down his last living descendant and the two try to find common ground.

There's actually a really interesting idea at work in this movie. But more often than not the whole thing was just played as a bit instead of really developing the metaphor.

I'm not really the target audience for this one though, so I'm open to the idea that parts of it were just going over my head.

39.

Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

(2022)

—Animated Fantasy Adventure Directed by: Guillermo del Toro Based on: Le avventure di Pinocchio. Storia di un burattino by. Carlo Collodi

A woodcarver's drunken wish is granted when a godly being brings one of his creations to life.

Eagle-eyed readers might be thinking, "Hey! Didn't you previously say that you had beef with Netflix and would never give them money? Then how, pray tell, did you watch this Netflix original?"

Well, dear readers, it's because my local library had it due to it being released in a physical format from the Criterion collection. So there!

I'm going to be upfront and let you know that I am biased against this, because I have never liked the story of Pinocchio. In fact, that's why I never went to see it in theaters even though it was playing at the theater I worked at and thus could have watched it for free.

[In a particularly memorable day at the theater I made a man cry when I had to tell him he couldn't bring his dog to this movie. Then he went around telling everyone in the lobby that I broke his heart and ruined his day. So...yeah, that was a weird day.]

But I digress! [surprising no one]

I still don't love Pinocchio, but I will say that this is far and away my favorite adaptation. del Toro adds a lot of depth to the story by setting it in Mussolini-era Italy. Plus I love when people attempt stop-motion animation.

That being said, I have some issues on the animation in this though. I really love the animation of the non-human characters, but the human characters faces didn't match the level of emotions the voice actors were giving and the result was a discrepancy that had me convinced I was watching a dub.

I looked into it and it seems to be because the non-human characters were generally done by swapping the model's face plates between frames [a style of animation you might recall from films like The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline]. Meanwhile the human characters had models with faces that were built to be physically manipulated to change their expression [like in Fantastic Mr. Fox].

There's pros and cons to both methods, but I can't say I'm a fan of them both being used simultaneously. It was really breaking my immersion when different characters had completely different limits on their ability to emote. And there were so many times a voice was giving tons of emotion and the character's face was giving like 20% of it.

Okay, I'll stop ranting now...

Ewan McGregor was miscast in this and they had Tom Kenny in the movie and gave him like a line or two? What's the story there?!

Okay, okay, I'll be done for real now.

40.

Dick Johnson is Dead

(2020)

—Documentary Directed by: Kirsten Johnson

Having already lost her mother to Alzheimer's and with her father now beginning to succumb as well, filmmaker Kirsten Johnson seeks to create a record of who he is while also trying to document what it's like dealing with the inevitable death of a loved one.

"Netflix again!" you say to yourself. "Truly he is lying to us and doesn't want people to know that he actually has Netflix!" Wrong! Once again I got this from the library, because once again it had a physical release from the Criterion collection.

Suck it, Netflix!

Libraries for the win!

In more relevant news, Kirsten Johnson is ruling the top of the my movie rankings for the year. First there was Cameraperson and now this! She is out here doing fascinating things with the medium of documentaries.

I wish it was easier to say why you loved something than it was to say why you disliked something. Because this is such a hard movie to convey the tone of.

It's funny and heartbreaking, morbid and sweet, reverent and irreverent all at the same time.

Johnson is like a magician who tells you exactly what's up her sleeves. She'll show you what the trick is and how she's gonna do it. Then somehow she still manages to surprise you when she does it.

And it's not a true documentary in the sense that she's basically going in the exact opposite direction of cinema verite style. But she's also always documenting her process of breaking the rules.

In someone else's hands this could be a mess, but she's just such a master of the form that she knows exactly what rules she can't break, which ones she can bend the shit out of, and which ones she can ignore altogether.

41.

Dioses de México

[English title: “Gods of Mexico”]

(2022)

—Documentary Directed by: Helmut Dosantos

An unspeaking look at the resistance to modernization in Mexico as we witness the people still versed in the old ways.

This was one of my roommate's picks for our theme of: "Oh!...So That's a Thing".

The fact that there was no narration or really any dialogue made the whole thing rather fascinating. There were times I was dying for someone to tell me exactly what people were doing in a scene, but then again that's kind of the point, isn't it?

It's so easy to take modern machines for granted, that when you see someone making something the old fashioned way it almost makes the steps seem like a kind of magical alchemy.

42.

Oklahoma!

(1955)

—Musical Rom-Com Directed by: Fred Zinnemann

A woman gets mad that her pseudo boyfriend assumed she was going to the local dance with him instead of asking her and tries to make him jealous.

Although I watched a lot of musicals growing up, this was one that I was aware of, but never saw.

I know that this is true of many older musicals, but there's a lot of crazy shit going on in this. And yet there is practically no story or character development at all...and the movie is over 2 hours long?

How does almost nothing happen in nearly 2.5 hours?

And then against the grain of everything else in the movie, you've got this girl [woman? how old are they supposed to be?] having a whole subplot about how she just wants to sleep around?

Probably a good one to watch with a friend, because you can talk to each other and not have to worry about missing anything.

43.

Grey Gardens

(1975)

— Documentary Directed by: Ellen Hovde & Albert Maysles & David Maysles & Muffie Meyer

A look into the lives of a reclusive mother and daughter, who once belonged to high society, but now live by themselves in a dilapidated house of questionable safety.

Since documentaries have been dominating the top of my best of the year list, I've been making an effort to watch some of the famous documentaries that I've never bothered checking out before.

I never bothered with this one because it sounded a little bit cringe.

One of the inherent questions of journalism and documentary filmmaking is what is the ethical line for documenting something as it is instead of trying to change it? For instance is documenting someone dealing with mental illness encouraging their delusions? Or is it bringing to light the ways a detachment from society can have on a person's life?

I don't have the answers. But you can find some very interesting arguments as to whether or not this documentary crossed an ethical line.

But I do now understand why this has had such an impact on people. I don't even know what to say about it. It is one of things you have to see to truly understand.

44.

Dating the Enemy

(1996)

— Sex Shift Rom-Com Directed by: Megan Simpson Huberman

A former couple wakes to discover they have swapped bodies and are forced to try and navigate lives in the other person's shoes.

So on a whim a started making a list of movies I've been calling "Experiments in Gender." Because an esoteric subgenre of movies I love is movies that play around with ideas of gender. Things like Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, She's the Man, Titane, etc.

And so sex shift fantasy movies are likely candidates for the category. HOWEVER, a lot of them are Freaky Friday style movies that aren't about learning about life in a different gender, but specifically learning about life in someone else's shoes. Which interests me considerably less.

The trouble is that the specific nuance of how this is tackled is usually not apparent from just a trailer or a synopsis. So the only way to find out where they land is to watch them.

"Why are you telling me this?" some of you might be wondering. Well, if you plan to keep up to date on these movie lists o' mine this is relevant information, because there's more of them coming.

Anyways, it turned out that this is not an experiment in gender, it is just a Freak Friday body swap scenario.

And there was no point in a Freaky Friday scenario because their relationship failed, not because of mutual misunderstanding, but because the dude was TERRIBLE and treated her like shit.

Also I think it made me realize that I don't like Guy Pearce.

Post swap, Claudia Karvan is acting like Guy Pearce's character is in her body. But Guy Pearce is just acting like his generic idea of a woman is in his body. He's not even trying to act like her character at all! And this made me start to question everything I've ever seen him in.

I will give it bonus points because they do have sex with other people while in their swapped bodies. But minus the bonus points again for the film moving right past this and ignoring the fact they both technically just had gay sex.

Things like this are why you aren't on the list. You gotta deal with the nuance of the situation!

Further proof that it doesn't count is that he didn't even get a period while in that body. Because, as previously discussed, the movie is a coward.

45.*

Waiting for Guffman

(1996)

—Mocukmentary Directed by: Christopher Guest

Cameras follow a small town's attempts to create a play about the history of their founding.

Rewatching Best in Show last month gave me a nostalgic taste for mockumentaries, so here I am.

I think I've only seen it once before so my memory on it wasn't the best. But when I heard the stool song I specifically remember watching that with my best friend's family back in the day.

It's definitely not the best of Christopher Guest's movies, but it's also not the worst. Although I will say that I've noticed that a bad habit of Guest's is making native american jokes. And I know he's not specifically making jokes at their expense per se, but through them he is still perpetuating the racist stereotypes from old westerns and they haven't aged well at all.

On the brighter side Parker Posey is in it and every scene with her is a delight.

If you love mockumentaries I think it's definitely worth watching. But if you only watch one Christpher Guest movie this isn't his strongest outing.

46.

The Aggressives

(2005)

— Documentary Directed by: Daniel Peddle

A look at the subculture of masculine presenting people of color in New York City.

I combined my documentary kick with a @gayverlyearp recommendation, because I am a master of efficiency!

Anyway it was a quality recommendation and a really interesting movie. It's especially interesting when you see the ways that gender expression has changed over the years. I hear the director made a follow up movie somewhat recently and I'm really curious to see if I can find that somewhere.

47.

Pachyderme

[English title: “Pachyderm”]

(2022)

—Animated Drama Short Directed by: Stéphanie Clément

A woman looks back at her childhood through memories muddled by time and trauma.

I attempted to go down the rabbit hole of watching the Oscar nominations for Best Animated Short. I couldn't find them all, but I did find the majority.

And I started off strong, because this one was my favorite of the lot. It's just beautiful and heart breaking and sticks in the crannies of your brain after you're done watching it.

And can we talk about the way it uses a picturebook illustration art style? That was such a brilliant choice. The way they use it portray childhood memories that have faded with time and become these stories we tell ourselves? The subtle way they use the composition to give scenes nuance?

It's so friggin' good. Highly recommend giving it a watch.

48.

Ninety-Five Senses

(2022)

—Animated Drama Short Directed by: Jared Hess & Jerusha Hess

A man on death row reflects on his life through each of his senses.

Another best animated short nominee.

It didn't hit with the weight that Pachyderme did, but I like how they both use really creative ways of talking about memories.

Specifically looking at a life through the lens of memories you associate with a particular sense is such an interesting prompt. I have some issues with this one that I can't go into without entering spoiler territory, so I didn't l love it, but I do respect it.

[I do get chatty about the films on these lists, and one can't talk about a movie with "spoiling" something. But I do purposefully steer away from just telling you the entire plot.]

49.

WAR IS OVER! Inspired by the Music of John & Yoko

(2023)

—Animated Short Directed by: Dave Mullins

Two soldiers discover that war is bad by playing a game of chess via carrier pigeon.

Don't even talk to me about how the Oscars handles the category of Animated Shorts unless you want to hear me rant at length. I'm still not over the fact that they give the tritest, most Hallmark Card-iest, cliche Inspirational Poster-iest entry the Oscar last year.

And they did it to me again!

Is this some sick joke on me? Is this personal, Academy? Did you hear me talking tons of shit about you and decide to get some revenge using a smaller category that the average viewer doesn't care as much about, but that I love?

Please keep in mind that I hold nothing against the animators who had to work on this project, because the animation is not on trial here. But this short SUCKS.

Some nepo baby pulled the sentiment "War is bad, okay? Don't do war" out of their ass...and they gave it an Oscar?

It is LITERALLY the worst entry in the category!

50.

Our Uniform

(2023)

—Animated Short Memoir Directed by: Yegane Moghaddam

The filmmaker reflects on the ways her uniform shaped her past.

Using the uniform as the animation medium to talk about uniforms is a truly brilliant move. It lacked the real emotional depth that Pachyderme and Ninety-Five Senses had, so I didn't think it would win. But I really liked it. And for a directorial debut? For a filmmaker that wrote, directed, and animated it herself? Fantastic work. Really curious to see what she makes next.

51.

Poor Things

(2023)

— Fantasy Drama Adventure Directed by: Yorgos Lanthimos

The result of a bizarre experiment goes on a grand adventure of self discovery.

I have a love-hate relationship with Lanthimos' films and I never know if I'm going to love them or just be utterly baffled by them. But with all the Oscar noms and wins I figured I had to check it out.

I actually don't have anything of note to say about this. As an asexual I felt thoroughly out of my depth here. The film has such a strong focus on sexuality that I can't really relate to most of it. I asked a couple ace friends what they thought of it and they had similar takes of enjoying elements of it, but feeling disconnected from it on the whole.

So yeah. I dunno! Go ask an allosexual if you want an in depth take on this.

52.*

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

(2004)

—Comedy Directed by: Adam McKay

A local anchorman in the 70s has his world flipped upside down when the station hires a woman to be his co-anchor.

I loved this movie back in the day. But it doesn't make me laugh nearly as much these days. There's still some parts I love, but it just doesn't hold the same magic for me that it once did.

53.

The Sex Trip

(2016)

— Sex Shift Comedy Directed by: Anthony G. Cohen

A womanizing pickup artist is cursed with a new body by witch until he can learn to respect women.

Ohhhhh, what to say about this one...

I kind of want to force someone to watch this with me, because it is just so wild and I want someone else to stare into the abyss and witness the madness that I have seen.

One nice thing about sex shift movies is that in most of them if you don't like the person playing the main character, you can wait a little while and they'll get a new actor in there.

And that's something you can't say about most movies.

There's this weird thing that can happen when bros accidentally wander into queer territory, because sometimes their extremely "no-homo" way of thinking can lead them into accidentally nuanced territory. And other times it will just be dumb and offensive.

But you know what? I'm counting it as an experiment in gender. Our protagonist gets a period, he realizes how annoying breasts can be at times, he experiments with his new set of genitals. He's got a best friend who is either secretly bi, or possible straight but specifically gay for his friend? I certainly don't think the writer/director was aiming for the best friend to be queer, but no straight man would be so eager to accept a threesome with his best friend. You can't convince me otherwise.

Would I recommend this to the average movie fan? Uh, no. It is not a great film. It is a weirdly interesting film, but I wouldn't say it's by any means a film of quality. In spite of it accidentally wandering into interesting territory, it's still very clear that some bros wrote this movie. There's plenty transphobia and misogyny and just plain cringe.

But I've learnt that while most people watch movies to enjoy them, I watch movies like a field researcher. I'm like a biologist in the field, looking under rocks and climbing trees to see what kind of weird stuff I can find. So if you're like me, well, this a fascinatingly fucked up little specimen for sure! You can see such odd little features such as: Tom Hanks' brother, Sylvester Stallone's brother, a man getting cursed for having the gall to not want to kiss a stranger he just met, a man try desperately to sleep with his best friend in a way that won't be gay, the worst blooper real I have ever seen, and more!

54.

Rubber

(2010)

— Meta Horror Directed by: Quentin Dupieux

An audience gathers in the desert to watch the live performance of a story about a tire coming to life and killing people with its psychokinetic powers.

While I love movies that are so bad they're fun, I hate movies that purposefully try to be bad movies. I assumed that that is what this was, and thus I never bothered with it.

However, it turns out that this is not really a movie trying to be a bad movie...it's...

I don't really know what this is actually. And I'm not entirely sure what it was trying to say....

But I do know that I didn't like it and don't plan to ever watch it again.

55.

Grizzly Man

(2005)

— Documentary Directed by: Werner Herzog

After Timothy Treadwell was killed by a bear while creating videos to help protect bears, Werner Herzog used his footage to create a documentary about Treadwell himself.

Another classic documentary that I had never bothered watching. I was slightly uncomfortable with the concept potentially being a little too close to a snuff film.

But I get it now. I get why it's acclaimed. This was not what I was expecting.

I was especially certainly not expecting Herzog to just periodically drag this dude? I was also not expecting that this dude clearly has issues.

56.

Victor/Victoria

(1982)

— Musical Rom-com Directed by: Blake Edwards

A female singer creates a hit act by pretending to be a male female impersonator, but along the way learns to love the lifestyle.

Oh ho ho, dear reader, this one came close to glory. If I liked the songs in this more, and if they didn't force a weird romance angle in there? This would truly be top tier.

That being said I still love it. Definitely an experiment in gender. It goes so much harder on the subject than I was ever expecting.

And the cast? The cast is exquisite!

Do I wish it was just sliiightly different? Yes.

Did I have a great time regardless? Yes!

57.

Tootsie

(1982)

— Monstrosity Directed by: Sydney Pollack

After burning every bridge he ever came across, a pretentious actor finds that he can no longer find work. Instead of bettering himself in order to repair his image and professional relationships, he decides to pretend to be a woman and steal some jobs from them.

Now do you see why I spent that time all those movies back explaining my quest to create an experiments in gender list? Has it not given you a peek into the process and important context for multiple films on this post?

Anyway, this is not an experiment in gender. This is just a fucked up movie.

I've heard about this movie a fair bit over the years, but all I've heard was that, A) it was really funny, and B) that Dustin Hoffman is amazing in it.

I was surprised to learn neither of those things is true. I was too busy being horrified to laugh at the terrible jokes. And Dustin Hoffman is either terrible in it, or doing an amazing job portraying a terrible, terrible person. You be the judge!

I hate this movie so much, y'all don't even know.

It's so fucking reductive, yet it acts like it's progressive. The whole movie is based on the premise that of course he's able to get the role, because he's a man while everyone else auditioning for the role were mere women.

Oh! And don't even get me started on the bizarre headgames and manipulations this dude pulls on the women in his life.

Ugh...I could rant about this movie forever. Truly terrible. I feel personally offended for having sat through it. And look at some of the weird shit I've watched so far this year! I watched a movie where a pack of people ravenously consume a rotisserie chicken with their hands while watching a tire kill people in the desert!

And the fact that I seem to be the minority in thinking it's terrible drives me even crazier.

We are 57 movies into the year and you better believe I threw this into dead last so fast.

And the very bottom of the list is the stuff that I wouldn't even watch with a friend. I would have to be bribed extensively to even consider seeing this again. You better be bringing plenty of booze and food or some cash and even then I'd have to really think hard about wanting to do that to myself again.

——————

——————

Previous Month's Posts:

Jan | Feb

[todayisafridaynight]

Sup, I've been silently lurking and liking stuff on your blog for atleast 1 year now (I can't exactly remember when, I just know that it's probably a year now if not then almost a year) and I love your art so much. Your MineDai art is lovey and funny (and what introduced me to you), but seriously... you creating MasaDai art is the wish I didn't think would happen and thank god it did. I see it as a crack ship and almost no one ships it from what I've seen before, so to have someone do some art is great and it's from you so it's more lovely. The moment I saw Masato's emo looking punk ass and know that he is around the same age as Daigo, then dressing up in a more formal way in his later years... I knew this can be a ship, a funny one even (and even funnier with Ichi and others). Thank you for this blessing.

Anyways, I love your art and it always makes me laugh or atleast smile. Ngl, it also did motivate me to keep improving and practicing to draw better 💙. And maybe create some fanart as well when I'm finish being shy 😅 lol

(Ps. I noticed something and I find it funny how people tend to (mostly) ship Daigo to characters that are canonically dead or never to be seen again after their appearance in one canon game XD. Like bro's romantic life is a mess, they be leaving or dropping like flies. Okay that's it, bye bye. Have a good or atleast a decent night/day. 🤗)

hi howdy lurker, thanks for stickin round so long ! :^)

ALWAYS happy to hear people likin my stuff and how it can make their day better whether it's makin em laugh or it's just something they can look at and go 'oh sweet', it's my main drivin force for drawin so much so i'm glad to hear it every so often ^^

SAME ON MASATO/DAIGO THO i remember playing Y7 and my immediate reaction to masato was just that he was like daigo if rgg leaned more into him being goth and it KO'd me. i just needed them to be A Thing immediately- AND THE FACT HE DOES BRUSH UP AND 'BECOME DOMESTICATED' IS SOOOOO (masumi saying that they should think similar to each other since they're about the same age is, while very VERY small, does feed my delusions more too so that's always fun). i can't even blame people for not expanding on their potential more though: masato already is a controversial character to talk about, so trying to discuss him for too long kinda gets awkward. i'll be the freak soldier willing to bear that burden of loving him tho 🫡

i could talk hours and write essays about masadai so i'll spare you the rest of the ramble: it makes me so happy to hear people pick up drawing more after following me 😭❤ art's so fun and it's always great seeing what other people can make and do, and it's such a personal experience so whenever i get to be a part of that somewhat it makes me overjoyed :') i'd love to see what you make if you ever want to share it with us anon ��� but no pressure, i get being shy about wanting to share things you draw, so even if you never post anything just know i'm still supportin you and what you do and i hope you're havin fun !

[maddiviner]

I joined Tumblr in 2014. I'd browsed 4chan for a few years (no joke). That does a number on the human brain (more so even than Tumblr could ever). Don't mistake, though - this wasn't /pol/, or /b/ even, this was the occult-y, ghost-y, creepypasta side of things.

Beyond just scrolling /x/ (paranormal board), I mostly hung out with channers who'd formed spinoff occult groups, chats, etc. This started around 2009-ish.

Some of the people were really awesome and are still in my life to this day, in major ways, of course. Some others ran demigod-kin Skype cults predicting the apocalypse, but anyways.

By 2014, I was watching some of those occult cliques disintegrate in a rapid, dramatic fashion. Some people were diving headfirst into the alt right because 4chan, whereas others were realizing that mindset would probably kill them, and backing out slowly.

Ended up looking for a new place to be. I already spent some time lurking a few Tumblr blogs (mostly related to food, painting/journaling, and knitting/crochet/yarn).

I remember learning to do the candied glitter grapes thing from Tumblr right after creating my (main) blog. I also made lemonade with lavender and club soda (IIRC), and ultimately a lot of different everyday recipes, too.

Sweets aside, I just wanted a little online place where everyone wasn't accusing each other of incel curses or threatening each other over interpretations of Aleister Crowley or some shit. I was starting to grasp that maybe we all needed to log off, just for a while, and make some candied grapes and fizzy lavender lemonade.

I eventually figured out that Tumblr included some really neat art tutorials, too, if I searched the right tags (back then, at least). I decided to create an account, but didn't plan to post much. I discovered witchblr and the Tarot community on here a few weeks later and created this blog as a sideblog.

It ultimately became (mostly) the only blog I use on here, but I hadn't planned for that. My main blog sits unused. Tumblr's better in some (most) ways than my other online hangouts, but not without its problems over the years (some aspects pretty bad, of course).

I'm still here because I definitely feel like I'm getting old faster than I expected, and learning new platforms is kinda difficult (also a time sink). I might move parts of my site to a Wordpress installation eventually, but until then, I'm trying to keep my blog as organized as possible. I already know Wordpress pretty well, but the move itself would take forever.

Either way, I'm here because it helped me get away from some weird channer cliques before they imploded, and because I like fiddling with the themes/etc. Keeping a website, especially messing with themes, graphics, etc, is soothing, like gardening almost.

I'm thinking of actually trying to learn Javascript, and I'm trying to teach myself the newer CSS/HTML stuff that has changed over the years. I used to be fairly decent with that kind of thing as a kid, but now, it's a (fun) learning experience.

How did you find tumblr?

I really enjoy talking with tumblr users so I thought I'd try posting more prompts to get some conversations started.

I was in a nostalgic mood this week and was trying to remember how I first came to tumblr. It got me thinking that it would be cool to learn other's origin stories. I'll go first.

Even though I'm a big nerd who loves Star Trek (DS9 4 life) and Anime (Fairy Tail forever) it was WordPress that brought me to tumblr. Back in 2010 while in college I worked part time for a WordPress theme shop called Obox Themes. They were looking for new markets and decided that tumblr themes would be a good area to get into. I fell in love with how easy it was to modify my digital home and how there was a whole community of people hacking and releasing themes. Creating a WordPress theme from scratch would have been impossible with my skillset then but with tumblr I could do anything with my handy CSS guide and a few energy drinks.

Over the years what kept bringing me back was the themes. They were funky, weird and sometimes a little broken but who cares. It seemed like the entire web was trying to be grown up but tumblr was Toys R Us, they said it’s ok to be a kid. I loved that. Whenever I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere else I’d come back to tumblr and make a new theme (https://www.tumblr.com/themes/by/nick). I use to love clicking on the installs and seeing what kind of fun folks were using my stuff. What kind of people liked the weird stuff I did. It's your turn. What brought you to tumblr?

[writingsnippetsthatneverupdate]

In Which Marinette Is NOT Amused; 632 Words

Or, a Marinette & Adrien time travel AU! (In which I fuck with the timeline so much that it snaps!)

Okay so! Marinette time-travels to the day JUST before Fu gives her the Miraculous, and in THIS universe there's a month-long buffer between the first akumatization and Marinette and Adrien getting tossed into battle! Also Marinette and Adrien got their Miraculous during the beginning of summer break! (Is that how French schools work? Probably not! Suffer!)

As soon as Marinette realizes she's in the past, and happens to see an all-expenses paid trip to Gotham, she's set on heading there!

future!Marinette made friends in Gotham, and so she's planning to recruit Batman to prove that Gabriel Agreste is Hawkmoth. She has no idea what any of the Bats' identities are, and the first time she met Batman as Ladybug, he nearly caught her and sent her to Arkham. The only reason he didn't send Marinette there (DESPITE her magic) is because Marinette had Kaalki. (Her Lucky Charm during that encounter was a hospital pager. Marinette cried when she saw it.)

Right now she does NOT have Kaalki, and she's not in the mood to see if Batman is still in Rage Mode, so she's planning to lurk in Gotham, assess Batman's mental and emotional state, and go from there.

So! She explains the situation to Tikki and heads off to Gotham! She also realizes on the flight that Master Fu probably only gave her the Miraculous because of one (1) encounter where she dropped her macarons to save him OR he's been stalking her.

So, she arrives in Gotham absolutely furious! Stephanie sees a furious, attractive lady and promptly asks her out for waffles, because of course she does. (Is Cass there? Who knows!)

Meanwhile, Ladybug discreetly goes around Gotham trying to figure out what Batman's up to! (She is NOT wandering around Gotham as a civilian, with her stab-able civilian clothes! No thank you!) Oracle catches on to her presence, and they start this game of cat-and-mouse where Marinette realizes the cameras are Watching Her and tries to avoid them and Oracle tries very hard to catch Marinette!

Also to torment Marinette further, Bruce is dead and Dick hasn't put on the cowl yet, so Batman seems to be on a hiatus.

Meanwhile, in Paris...

Adrien is trying SO hard not to murder his Dad. Like, yes, it's his Dad, but also, HIS DAD TRIED TO KILL LADYBUG. And also akumatize all his friends. And also tried to end the world. (Adrien has his priorities in a perfectly fine order, what are you talking about? Denial, thy name is Adrien Agreste.)

Timothy Drake is in Paris, trying to figure out where the HELL Batman is, and he runs into Adrien! The two of them see each other and go "oh shit that guy is NOT normal" and they also have crushes on each other, probably. Tim has to run around the world to save Bruce, but while in Paris he and Adrien become close, Adrien drops hints about his Dad that Tim FULLY plan to investigate post-resurrection, and Adrien is crushing hard and would also help Tim commit murder if he needed it.

At some point, I feel like I HAVE to include Marinette calling Adrien 'Kitty <3' in her phone, and Steph seeing it and going, "ARE YOU FUCKING CATWOMAN?! BATMAN IS DEAD OH MY GOD HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THAT --" and Marinette shrieking, "NO, I FUCKED CHAT NOIR AND WE BOTH REALIZED WE'RE GAY!"

Something something time travel reveal, something something resolution?

I don't know how that'll happen, but I'd like it to happen! End goal: at some point we get Stephcassinette, Adritim, and a Gabriel Agreste who dies under mysterious circumstances! (The best kind of Gabriel Agreste!)

@maribat-get-in

[separatist-apologist]

how would you describe your fandom journey?

Mine???

Graduating from grad-school, April 2021. Have a brunch group and mention to my favorite of the three that for six years, I have read only non-fiction and it shows. Four book shelves POURING with it. Want to read something brainless.

She lends me her copy of ACOTAR. I ignore it for a month because I'm still trying to graduate/write papers/am generally just joyless. Pick it up during a slow work day- read it in 24 hours.

Buy ACOMAF, wait two days, and then spend a week reading it. I was brand new to SJM and the new love interest threw me a little.

Bought ACOWAR, ACO-NOVELLA, and ACOSF. Liked ACOWAR enough I read it twice before skipping the novella entirely and going to ACOSF

Poke around on tumblr. Liked Lucien consistently throughout the books, wanted to see what other people thought. Followed a couple blogs on all sides of the fandom "war" (am probably still following some vassiens and if you see me HI i will never stop because i cherish the premium lucien content)

Was frustrated with the characterizations of both Elain and Lucien from a few AO3 fics I'd begun reading. Started an early draft of CIWYWT

Followed Spell-Cleavers DO NOT RECOMMEND (jk- but this was my first elucien follow)

Scrapped CIWYWT. The first draft had Elain and Lucien in Day Court where he was training her for court warefare. He was in love with Vassa back then and she was trying to become human so she could get back to Graysen. I ended up just deleting the whole thing because I didn't like Vassa's pick me energy or how bland Elain was

Posted CIWYWT as you know it now, very randomly, and expected 4 people to read it. It seemed like elucien was a very niche ship (to me, a newcomer anyway)

LOL RIP ME

Meet LB, the only part of this story that genuinely makes me happy.

I don't know. I feel like I sort of ended up here by accident? I needed to channel all of the energy I had when I graduated and ACOTAR was literally the first series I picked up. I sometimes wonder if it would have resonated the way it did had I waited even a year to read it. I literally hadn't read something for fun in so long I think it just feel GOOD in a way I wasn't used to. I certainly never intended for anything else to come of writing fic or showing up here.

For me, it's been positive. I think I was pretty good early on in blocking anything that made me feel like I wanted to fight and staying in the tags I enjoyed. I don't lurk or like, intentionally try and hurt my own feelings. I also didn't come to like, sell things or create "content" if that makes sense? I just wanted to be unhinged in my own little space and to that end, I've had a great time.

[musette22]

Hey Minnie, when and how did you get into fandom? I'm 18, right, so interacting online was something I fell into, but I know that some of the people here are older and are married/have kids, particularly in this fandom. And I always wondered like, was this type of interaction something they did at my age? Were you talking to friends about interests the way we do on here before the apps came around? Was fanfiction or shipping something you engaged in before, or was it introduced alongside the internet?

I don't mean any offense btw! I think it's great that everybody of all ages is into fandom. I'm just curious about whether or not this was something you could "grow up with" or if it was mainly an option later on

Hi honey! Absolutely no offense taken, these are valid things to wonder about and I appreciate that you're curious and want to understand what fandom is like for people who are a bit older than you are. 

First of all, let me say that while I'm 33 with an apartment and a job and a dog and all that, I do still feel very young most of the time. Growing older is a weird one, most people I know would agree that yeah, we do age and mature, but also we hardly change at all in some respects! Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that, because asks like this one make me realize that younger people often consider people who are older than them as very different from them, whereas a lot of people my age don't actually feel so different from people a lot younger than them, if that makes sense?

I'll put the rest of my reply under the cut because it's long and probably boring to most people. There’s a tl;dr at the end, just in case :p If anyone else wants to chime in with their own experiences, please feel free! <3

So, I only really got into fandom about four years ago, when I was 29. And by that I mean that at that point, I started actively participating in fandom, i.e. writing fic and using my Tumblr blog. Before that time, I did ship and I did read fic and lurk here on Tumblr a bit, but I didn't participate (personally I grew up with internet access and early social media for much of my later teens, but people who are a bit older than me will have had a different experience).

However, I have always had a tendency to 'obsess' over stuff (that's probably not the right term, but I'm sure you know what I mean). When I was a teen, my room was covered in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and boyband posters 😅 My friends went along with my intense interest in things to an extent because they enjoyed a lot of the things I enjoyed too, only maybe not as much as I did lol. So I mostly talked to them about it in real life and via e-mail and text, but I didn't really know anyone outside my circle of friends who had the same interests I did in the same way I did. Which is probably just as well because if I'd been part of fandom when I was in my teens and early twenties, I don't know if I'd have ever graduated 😂

When I got a bit older, early/mid-twenties, I got really into certain bands and went to lots of gigs. One of those bands was Arctic Monkeys, and one guy in that band has another band with another guy, and they're just really cute together, so somehow, I ended up reading some fic about them - which is how I discovered AO3, slash fic and a basic understanding of 'shipping'.

Then when I was living with my best friend, a couple of years after we finished uni (I think I was 26?) we started watching Merlin because it was on TV and we just kind of got sucked into it, and then obviously I started shipping Merthur. That's when I started reading a ton of Merthur fic on AO3, and also made a Tumblr blog (but didn't use it to post) just to passively scroll through some Merthur content sometimes. I kind of did that for a year or two, and then inevitably, I started seeing Stucky posts sometimes (this was in late 2016, so they were everywhere), even though I didn't really get what any of it was about because I'd only ever seen the first Iron Man and Spider-Man lol.

And then the night after I handed in my thesis for my second MA (I'd worked for a while in between), I was like 'Right, I need some mindless entertainment and hot guys, I'm gonna watch a Captain America movie.' So I watched TFA and fell in love with Steve and Bucky (and Chris and Seb) so hard, and I haven't looked back since. It still took me a over a year to decide to try my hand at writing fic myself, and then once I'd posted my first (65k, lol) fic to AO3, someone left me a comment there saying "Are you on Tumblr?? We should be friends!" so I decided to actively start using my Tumblr blog, and it kinda grew from there over the past three years.

So it all happened really organically, but like you, I also kind of 'fell into it', just at a later age. And while I was late to the party, I'm not at all surprised that I ended up here eventually. It definitely fits my MO from when I was younger and obsessing over other things - discovering 'fandom' and participating here on Tumblr just took it up a notch (and made it even more enjoyable!).

But I do wonder about the younger generations sometimes too, and how it must be for you guys to grow up with apps like Twitter and Instagram and TikTok, and being able to find people and talk to people with similar interests so easily. On the one hand, it's obviously kind of amazing, and on the other hand, it must be a lot to deal with sometimes. I remember being much more sensitive and influenceable when I was younger (not saying you are of course, everyone is different! but that's how it was for me), so I don't think engaging in fandom as heavily as I do now would've been good for me at your age. I don't think I would have travelled as much and partied as much and read as many books and worked as hard if I had, so I'm personally glad I only discovered fandom when I'd already lived a bit, and feel more at ease with who I am and able to balance real life and my interests. But again, I have absolutely no doubt a lot of current teens/young adults are way more adaptable and able to balance real life with online hobbies than I was! I notice that here on tumblr all the time, actually, and I admire that ability a lot 💗

Sorry, that's much more information that you asked for! 😅 But I hope it still answers your question.

Tl;dr: I only got into 'fandom' in my late twenties, but before that time I did ship a little and enjoyed things intensely, and later on read some fic, just more on my own than in a community. So fandom wasn't something I grew up with, but rather something I found a bit later in life, and apps/social media definitely facilitated that!

[trickscourse]

I hate to sound like a self-asorbed asshole, but a lot of people blissfully forget that people on here, especially people who see that callout as a joke, hot drama or a telenovela don't understand that this has impacted people who aren't the "victims" more than anyone could think.

There are several things I could point out, like the fact that my old address used to be a url on here or that @transfemmes has posted police reports of mine about someone who wasn't her, or that she apparently gives out my deadname like candy and has no issue screenshotting and archive my face, or @ingiestbingie/🎢 throwing off the Ezra investigation because she is so incredibly dramapilled to the point its hard for anyone to get anything properly done.

Again, a lot of this even goes beyond me, but people who I knew in the past vaguely who I knew at the time of a possible event that probably didn't happen, happening. One of my old classmates from MIDDLE SCHOOL reached out to tell me they were getting harassed because of a picture on Instagram of the two of us around the same time Russell was grooming me and someone sent people to harass them.

The whole situation with Arty as a whole is kind of weird admittedly. I know Taylor can't conceptualize the fact that people are affected by their actions and they have no idea how DID works at all;- but a lot of my friends have jokes about their shitty OC for years now. Arty the person is someone featured in a few past "Station fucked my wife & burned my crops" posts, just by her deadname.

The more I thought about what this anon said, the more I realized they were probably really right. I am one person for starters, my disorders aside, and if I was an actual quote unquote psychopath who spent all of its free time stalking hundreds of people and getting fine, hyperspecific details about them, I'd be actually more well known and there would be actual repercussions that are offline.

I'll say it once, and I'll say it again. I'm in the wrong a majority of what happened and people I've hurt, I'm not THE victim of everything, but a victim of a virtual smear campaign. There is literally no way for me to be able to psychologically torture about a hundred people online and still have time to work two jobs, be in constant agonizing pain and be abused by my family.

Most abusive people aren't screaming and sobbing for their "victims" to leave them alone, even if we use 🎢 as an example, she was absolutely ready at one point to make sure I got murdered by police brutality (the reason why I'm permanently disabled for the rest of my life) and make jokes about it, then call me delusional after she sent the police to my old apartment and ADMITTED SHE SWATTED ME.

A lot of "proof" are the same 12 crunchy, reused, heavily censored screenshots that blissfully ignore that it could be photoshopped or generated on a shitty website like below.

This meme was made sometime last year, I just dug it out of the meme folder I have saved for jokes Rebuttal makes. I wasn't the one who made it, I think 2 or 4 did.

The Twitter screenshot is NOT FUCKING REAL so if Taylor is lurking and seeing this, this is a JOKE and eat shit, get a life.

Okay, rounding back to the original ask instead of me bitching and moaning.

The reason why I want to get that "one last conversation" in but what I'm doing isn't... Tracking? Most of the time if someone blocks me on tumblr and we have past DMs, I just don't block them back so I can make sure:

1. Thue interaction actually happened and if they reference it, they aren't lying or gaslighting me and

2. If they change URLs or remake, I can keep tabs so I don't interact with them again.

I'm also a fair believer that everyone should have a chance to share their side of the story/situation because everyone is justified to have a fair trial. A lot of people have a mixed perspective on the situation for a number of reasons, whether it's anyone lying or people talking through the grapevine, or rumors going around.

I can understand not wanting to hurt/abuse people, but don't you think it hurts people to have you try to track them down in order to have them talk to you? I don't think you do it intentionally but messaging people from different accounts saying you'd like one more chance to talk things through with them comes off as stalkerish and I know you don't want that either.

Maybe you're right, but there's also the people who will obsessively track my online whereabouts for years on end, doxx me and post my face along with cataloging every URL that could vaguely sound like mine and harassing anyone who reblogs or associates with me for things compiled in screenshots that can't be proven to be real.

I feel like asking someone to have one last conversation when people insist others are innocent until proven guilty isn't much.

[twilight-blaze]

If it’s not too much to ask, and if it is please ignore this, but… But can I ask how you figured it out? Your gender stuff I mean. I find myself in a position where I’m also questioning myself and my identity but find it… scary, I guess. It’s just been very difficult and I appreciate seeing how different people discovered themselves. Also, congrats on the two years! Here’s hoping for more positivity for you!

hi anon, it's not too much to ask at all! I know questioning your gender can be a difficult and scary process, and if talking about my journey makes it easier for someone else, I'm more than happy to do so.

though before I do I need to say that I'm not the most eloquent person, I don't have the greatest memory, and a lot of this happened around ten years ago. I'll do my best, but this may not be the greatest recollection.

(under the cut because this got long. like, really long.)

it was... I think early to mid 2011 when I first started thinking I might not be cis, though I didn't have the words for it at the time. you see, growing up, the sum of my knowledge of anything queer was that gay people existed. that's it. 17-year-old me's only definition of gender was as a synonym for sex, and words like transgender or bisexual weren't even in my vocabulary. (I later found out my parents had also never heard the word transgender before, which really explains some things.) that meant that it took a while for me to find any trans-related information, and when I did, it was from less than reliable sources.

and by that I mean that my first experience with anything remotely trans-related was being a 17-year-old who discovered trans fetish porn.

and I liked it. I liked it a lot, actually, much more than I thought a 17-year-old boy should, and I spent a lot of time watching it and just as much time wondering what the hell was wrong with me for watching and enjoying it that much.

I don't remember exactly when it happened or what led to it, but I know that after a few months of being very ashamed and confused, I somehow stumbled across an actual trans community. I'm not sure what it was, probably a forum somewhere, but that was my first exposure to trans people in regular everyday life. slowly but surely the shame from earlier started dwindling, being gradually replaced mostly by curiosity and a different type of confusion.

I spent another few months frequenting that site, just lurking, as often as I could get away with while not letting anyone know, still fully believing I was a cis boy at that point. I remember very vividly the first time I opened a "share your transition timelines" thread, and saw trans people excitedly sharing how much hormones had done for them.

if I had to pick a moment, I'd say that's when my egg first started to crack.

I started entertaining the thought of "that could be me," even if it was still accompanied by "but it's probably not." I started wondering what my life would be like as a girl. I was reading pages and pages of "how did you realize you were trans" threads, hoping that I could find the answer the easy way, that if I just found someone with an experience similar enough to mine, I'd know, or that someone would've posted a question that made it obvious enough that I wouldn't have to keep thinking about it.

at this point I was fully in "questioning my gender" territory, though I couldn't admit it. I started signing up for forums with a feminine username to see if that felt right, told people in IRC channels that I was a girl (which uh. went about as poorly as you’d expect), all while thinking I was only pretending to be a girl in the hopes of finding answers.

I was also an avid MMO player at the time, and although a good majority of my characters were girls, I had always justified that in my head as me making characters and not online personas. but in March of 2012, I had the thought "what if I tried making a character based on how I'd look if I were a girl?" and when I did, things started to fall into place in my mind.

again, if I had to pick a single moment, I'd say that was what finally, finally cracked my egg completely.

on literally the same day I made that character, I looked at her and thought "I wish that was me," though if I'm being honest, that made things more scary, because yeah, I was starting to get my answer, but now I had to worry about what that meant. now, it was hurting more and more to live as a boy, not because things were getting worse, but because I finally had hope that they could eventually be better.

I started looking into new names, and within two months I'd picked one out. (it's not the name I use today! I changed it again later, and that's totally fine!) I started thinking of myself as a girl in my own head and correcting myself whenever I slipped up, trying to change my mindset from "I want to be a girl" to "I am a girl" and that wasn't easy (it took a while before I stopped wondering if I was faking being trans). I kept reading as many accounts of other trans peoples’ experiences as often as I could, and a few months later, I told a handful of my friends, with mostly good results, and it made me more confident in the whole thing. I bought my first girl clothes around then, when one of the people I was out to took me thrift shopping, and although I wasn’t remotely ready to wear any of them in public I started dressing up whenever I had the house to myself.

things stayed about the same gender-wise for another three years, and then in June of 2015, I publicly came out, also to mostly good results, and started to socially transition. (I'm extremely lucky in that I didn't lose any friends over it. I know that's not always the case.)

after that, it was just small things for a while; mostly just figuring out piece by piece what being a girl meant to me specifically. the next major milestone after that was two years ago when I finally got on HRT after about eight years of wanting it and finally starting to medically transition.

by no means is this journey done, though—I tried out using exclusively they/them pronouns and tried on both the nonbinary and demigirl labels on and off a few times over the past few years. I changed my name again last year (I think? the pandemic has completely fucked my sense of time) because I wanted something that could be shortened to a gender-neutral form and my previous choice of name didn't have that, and not long after that I started going by that gender-neutral version almost exclusively. just this past November I came to the conclusion that I'm genderfluid—in my case, it was a realization that I don't always feel like a girl but sometimes I do, and sometimes when I do I don’t feel entirely like a girl, and honestly, it’s hard to put into words beyond that.

It's okay to not get it right the first time, though I don't think I was necessarily wrong when I thought of myself just as a trans girl for most of the past ten years. I just didn't have everything figured out yet.

and honestly, I don't think I have it all figured out now, either, and that's okay! my gender is a complicated thing, and I'm always learning more about myself. I'm not replacing my understanding of my gender, I'm constantly building on it, and I'll probably be doing that for the rest of my life.

so uh. that was a lot longer than I was expecting it to be, but I hope it's helpful.

(obligatory disclaimer that this is merely my personal experience. there’s no right or wrong way to question your gender, and there’s no wrong answer.)

I wish you the best of luck with your own journey of self-discovery, and you’re welcome to message me or send in another ask if you think you need to talk about it more!

[corvixa]

I am alive! Long, rambly post ahead.

So. I did a thing. After 2 or 3 years on a waiting list of therapy, I got it. Good right? Ahuh...

A weekly appointment at 10.30 am is apparently my kryptonite.

It was fine at first, but I got utterly sidelined with the cumulative effect and the fact I wasn't able to reset my energy. But, I was determined like, I'd breakthrough.

Uh. That did not happen. All I could do was attend that appointment. For the first time since I started writing again post house explosion, I couldn't even write. I managed to not some ideas down. Carry on a few plots in my head. Still, even with my insomnia, I was stuck with my facemask on, desperately trying to get enough energy to eat, and occasionally failing even that.

After I had to take a break for a few weeks running for dental appointments and Covid Vaccines, I gained enough energy back to do that look around and reflect thing.

Hell, I might not have been perfect before this, but I enjoyed things. I chatted with friends. I lurked in the Stark Tower discord plotting new ideas. I got to write. I got to do real-world hobbies. I got to spend time awake with my partners!

So, after my vaccine and several days with a very high fever, I kind of decided. Fuck it. This isn't worth it. I have clawed my little part of this world out, and I am not going to lose it.

Sometimes you have to weigh up the cost-benefit analysis. What good may come from these 16 appointments was utterly stopper by the bomb dropped on my life. So I came out of my fever cave of blankets, had an incredibly hot bath and decided this wasn't working.

The early appointment alone was killing me; I am crepuscular by nature. Not being sarcastic there; this is how I have dealt with severe levels of insomnia since age 12. I tried being an average human that wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night for decades, and it didn't work. I am most active after 11 pm, and I nap during the day. It's not a perfect fix; if it were, the Gold series would literally not exist as that is my Insomnia in a cape. However, sleeping at least once in a 24 hour period nearly every day is THE WIN. Being not awake at 10.30 am, but already at an appointment, where I was expected to be coherent? Weekly? With no variable illnesses? Even the stint in hospital I had was around me making these appointments... Not getting better from fall.

Honestly, I have no idea what past me was thinking, but after they went to 2 or 3 appointments and didn't feel too bad, they committed hard to this course of action. That was a mistake that I thought I had learned a long time ago, that assessing the work-life balance is critical. This might not be work, but it was the same thing.

So, How am I doing? Better. Not aces, but the Covid fever of doom made me miss last weeks appointment. The week before, it was the Covid.2 Jab and today I had the dentist.

And this morning, before my dental appointment, I started writing. My partners were over the moon. I am not back on full capacitor yet, but I am clawing my way back. Heck, I felt alive enough to prat about in the garden as my partner wanted to take a few pics of me given my pairing of BRIGHT TOXIC GREEN tights and lace trousers. I realised I hadn't set foot in the garden since this therapy thing started. My dog, Loki, was bouncing around like a loon bringing me every stashed ball he could find.

If anything gives you clarity, it's the excitement of a collie confronted with man balls, your partner's joy at you starting something you love again and actually feeling like a human being.

Ness is calling the therapy people when she gets the social confidence points required to deal with bombing me out of this whilst being my stalwart wall, so I don't get bullied onto the phone (hello, Hemiplegic Migraine) or guilted back into just trying a few more sessions.

It's not like my therapist was bad. He was cool. He dealt with this ADHD, Autistic, Severe Insomniac, Asexual weirdo and never once questioned any of these identifiers. I just don't have the energy to do anything back to back, week after week, at 10.30 am—even fun things.

So, I am probably going to sleep a lot. I am not back to my previous form yet; my Hubs is saying I made it out of the cave, but I still have Palladium Poisoning because apparently, I have infected his brain to think of things in Iron Man metaphors.

This is a bit all over, but I felt like I wanted to get it down. Especially for anyone worried about my sudden absence.

TLDR, the road to hell is lined with good intentions; sometimes the good thing becomes the bad thing, sometimes you lose yourself trying to do things the right way, and everything ends up wrong. Sometimes the right thing is the thing people see as wrong. All I know is that I wrote something for the first time this morning because of insomnia, and I couldn't be happier. My mind is starting to pick up speed again, this dense dog of confusion, exhaustion and pain is clearing, and I have goals.

Which I think is what really matters, right?

Oh, side note, some things did get done whilst I was busy being a zombie. After nearly 3 decades of waiting, at 33 (yeah, I've wanted to change my name a long ass time.) I got my name changed! So I can sign this off in a way that makes me smile. I dropped my old first name, and took my first middle name as my new forname. (I was, and still am, one of those ginormous name people.) I also went back in history and timestoned my surname. (So, I was named utterly after my dad. Literally, I have the female version of his name >.< but I wanted to keep that connection to my genealogy whilst not having my dads name.) Boom.

Enjoy the earlier mentioned pictures of me pratting about in the garden. I am a photographer. I do not know how to pose. What you are seeing is sarcasm 😅. (If you want to know where the fabulous tights came from, Google Snag Tights. They are truly a miracle and a gift from the Gods. They have actual sizes and don't tear after one wear, even if you are more leg than human. So you stretch and destroy tights by walking.)

- Morgan / M-Mac-C