#like idk i feel like i've lost so much weight from my face and my cheekbones have sunk from then

[soulmvtes]

looking through videos/pictures from the beginning of the year + having insane face dysmorphia

[just-jordie-things]

Hi! Idk if ur still doing the kiss prompts, but can I request number 65 for Inumaki? If ur not writing for the prompts anymore feel free to ignore this.

kiss prompt 65: one small kiss, pulling away for an instant, then devouring each other ___

"that was really stupid,"

you were a little upset.

"i mean, did you even fucking think? you're not an idiot. or maybe you are!"

you were a little more than upset.

toge could only sit on the cot of the cot in the infirmary, knowing no other help was coming to save him from your scolding, as it was the middle of the night and the place was pretty much abandoned at this time. it was only him and you. and you were storming around the place as you familiarized yourself with shoko's organization, trying to gather the supplies you needed to fix him up after an assignment gone awry.

he'd tried to assure you that he could tend to his own first aid, but you'd given him a sharp glare that told him to shut his mouth, sit down, and not argue.

"i've never seen something so reckless and so fucking pointless in my whole life," you're muttering as you slam cabinet doors and throw supplies one after another on the counter beside where toge sat. "you're lucky you're not dead, you know that?"

you don't look at him, despite his eyes following your every movement. you keep your head down, or you're too focused on finding something.

"salmon" he agrees quietly.

when you've finally gathered everything you needed to tend to the open gash on his arm, as well as the various smaller wounds covering his body, you walk back towards him. you still don't meet his eyes as you silently begin to soak a rag in rubbing alcohol. but he can see the deep frown pulling on your face.

he feels guilty- as well as a lot of pain- but the guilt sits heavier in his stomach. you have every right to be this angry with him. he had acted recklessly. but in his defense he'd been trying to protect you. the large slice on his shoulder would have been nothing compared to what would have happened had he not shoved you out of the way and taken the blow for himself.

you very well could've lost your head. and here you were fussing over a banged up arm that hurt now but would heal in a few weeks.

"this is really gonna hurt" you mumble before you began cleaning up the wound.

you're right, he hisses and shifts his weight around as you wipe away the excess blood and sterilize the wound as quickly as you can. you're just as uncomfortable seeing him in so much pain, and it makes your throat burn, but you keep yourself focused on cleaning him up to the best of your ability. you're no stranger to tending to wounds such as these.

you're still muttering in a scolding tone as you prep the needle. something about how much you hate doing stitches, how stupid he is for acting without thinking, how shoko should be the one here to fix him up, and toge takes it all with a grain of salt. even if he could speak, there wasn't anything he could say to ease your irritation.

but he hates it. he's seen you upset, but not like this, and never with him. his stomach churns with the discomfort of knowing you were so cross with him.

you warn him again before you begin stitching up the wound. but there's a hesitation in you as he braces himself, and he glances over to see that your hands are trembling. violently. your hands shake so much he's surprised you haven't dropped the needle, but you seem to have an iron grip on the small tool.

you still refuse to look at him, your eyes set hard on the wound that was going to start bleeding again if you didn't get your shit together.

"mustard leaf?" with his other hand, toge reaches towards you, tentatively resting his hand over yours, easing some of it's shake, but not completely. he still feels the tremors under his touch.

but almost as soon as he touches you, you're pulling your hand away from his grasp, letting out a long breath, and getting to work on stitching him up.

twelve stitches. you curse each one you knot up. twelve stitches that could've been avoided.

you're tying off the last one when he hears a small sound come from you that has him trying to get a better look at you, even though you're avoiding his gaze like the plague.

but then it happens again, a small choked sound comes from your throat and there's nothing you could do to cover it.

it was a whimper.

with furrowed brows, toge reaches for you again, this time firmly grabbing your hand. finally, you look up at him.

your eyes are filled with tears, and they're pouring down your cheeks in steady streams. his face contorts into one of unease, eyes flickering over your features in a hurried assessment to find what was wrong.

and when his hands began moving across your arms, trying to find where you were hurt, you shook your head, grabbing his wrists and moving them away before he could continue.

"i'm fine," you choke out, wiping the tears from your face. "it's you i'm worried about,"

his expression falls. you sniffle as you reach for the gauze on the counter, unrolling it a generous amount.

"it's just- just- why would you do that?" you mumble between quiet sobs. "you can't do that. you scared me, toge"

you're avoiding his eyes again, but he's staring at you with concern flooding his lavender eyes.

tears still fall off your lashes as you gingerly wrap the gauze around his arm. you've probably overdone it, but as the thought crosses your mind you give it two more loops, just to be secure.

when you're done, his hand catches yours again. you don't look at him. you shut your eyes and hang your head, wishing you had a stronger resolve than you did. you're still angry, but it's starting to melt into something else as reality settles in. had things gone worse... you don't want to think about it.

toge's other hand touches your chin, barely, but enough that you get the idea, and you look up at him again.

i'm sorry, he mouths the words out slowly so that he's sure you understood. you sigh, your shoulders falling heavy.

then he points to the bandage you'd applied, and you follow his gesture as he brings his finger to your clavicle, staring at you ardently, needing you to understand what he was trying to communicate.

for good measure, he drags the tip of his finger across the base of your neck, and then points again to the wound on his arm, and at you.

you sigh, shaking your head at his rough explanation. you pull his hand down away from you.

"that wouldn't have happened," you say quietly. "i had that under control, neither one of us would have"

"ikura" it's a curse, likely him calling bullshit. he tilts his head at you, staring at you with an expression you couldn't read as easily as you usually could.

"i'm sorry for yelling," you mumble. "i was just worried, that's all"

he gives you a small smile before shrugging his shoulders and shaking your head, likely trying to tell you he's fine. you huff, knowing fully well he was going to have a long night of pain and discomfort ahead of him still.

"salmon" he says with a reassuring smile.

you wince back at him.

he tugged on your hand, gently, but enough to make you shuffle forward. your face felt warmer the closer he drew you, pulling again and again until you're as close as he wanted you to be. your eyes are wide as they land on his, silently asking what he was doing, what he wanted.

his lips pull wider into a proper smile, and your gaze falls to the way a dimple forms in the center of the mark on his cheek. you have the urge to reach up and poke it, but you don't. there's a bruise that blooms too close to the spot, and you don't want to be the cause of anymore aching.

his fingertips touch your chin again, tilting your head until your eyes meet his again. you look forlorn, like you have a deep regret. he frowns at you as his index finger hooks under your chin.

"does it hurt?" you murmur quietly as your fingers tremble over his jaw.

toge shakes his head, a bold lie, everything hurts, but nothing about you could ever inflict pain on him.

he convinces you of this when he leans forward, only needing to move a small amount in order to touch his lips to yours.

you startle, remaining perfectly frozen before him at the new sensation. you and toge had always been very close, but you weren't kiss-each-other close. this was completely new, and unforeseen.

your eyes are still wide open when he pulls back all too soon, leaving the kiss chaste, and your lips tingling with the desire for more. even in that small, quick kiss, you understood him.

he gives you a small smile when he looks at you, as if cheekily asking if that made up for the stress he'd put you through tonight.

but you're already leaning back in, eyes falling shut this time as you slant your lips over his as though this wasn't a completely earth-shattering experience. he's still smiling against your mouth as you kiss him eagerly, trying to pour every last ounce of love and concern from your mouth into his.

your movements are gentle as you rest your hands over his shoulders, barely applying any pressure, too worried you'd catch a scrape or bruise in an unpleasant way. it makes your rushed series of kisses soft and sweet, but still you're breathing heavily by the time you pull away again, your forehead resting against his.

you'll scold him again later for being reckless. but for now you could share sweet smiles and sweeter kisses in between whispered confessions of fondness. ___

xoxo ~ jordie

[xxkissesforchanniexx]

I just read pretty thing and oml, you're writing has me! All the praise 😩

Could I request a needy I.N? Something where like he's just horny and wants you so you guys go to your room and he fucks you. Something sweet?

I'm not big on requests so idk what to write lol. If this is something you'd be willing to write I'd appreciate it, I've been so crazy over Jeongin lately and idk why 😭😭

Have a good day 🤗

𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲

Pairing: softdom!Jeongin x fem!reader Word count: 927 Genre: Smut 🔥❤️ Warning: Jeongin is a troll, not proofread, sweet name calling, possessive themes, mighta gone a lil crazy with what Jeongin says >.>, idk what else... A/N: I LITERALY FEEL SO BAD THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET TO OML 😭 anyways >.> I hope you like it I apologize for the wait

You were in your kitchen, contemplating what to make for dinner when you felt him hug you from behind, his head resting on your shoulder. Jeongin had been in his office/game room playing with Felix and Seungmin since late in the afternoon.

"Did you have fun?" You asked as he nuzzled your neck.

"We lost.." he muttered.

You pet his head gently, "You'll win next time."

"Seungmin sold." He huffed. "Awful tanker."

You laughed softly as you remembered Felix "suing" Jeongin for being a bad healer. "What do you want to eat for dinner?"

"I don't know." He said, licking your neck as his lips parted.

"Hmm? We won't eat then?" You rolled your eyes.

"No, just... order something." He said softly.

"Why?" You huffed.

Jeongin frowned slightly against your neck and you giggled, turning to face him.

He leaned in. "Let me kiss you?"

You kissed him gently quick and chaste. He frowned as you pulled away, before grabbing you face gently and kissing you again, his tongue prodding for entry. You opened your mouth with a soft sigh. His tongue moved into your mouth and wrestled against yours for a moment before pulling away.

Your eyes met his.

He smirked slightly, "Up." he said quietly.

You jumped and he caught you, securing your weight at your thighs and carrying you to your bedroom. "Wow, baby is so strong." You teased.

He rolled his eyes and gently set you on the bed. "Who're you calling baby?"

"You." You pinched his cheeks. "So cute, my little baby."

He kissed you hard, "Baby?" he huffed. "You don't give me enough credit."

You giggled as he pulled at your shirt kissing your jaw.

"Can I take this off sweet girl?" he asked pulling away.

You nodded and squirmed.

He pulled it off and quickly hooked his finger between your breasts pulling your bra up, smiling to himself. "I'm so lucky," he muttered, pinching one of your nipples. "these pretty tits are all mine.." he squished your breasts for a moment before smiling at you. "Can I have you, baby?"

You buck slightly. "Yes."

He smiled and kissed your nipple, taking it between his teeth and pulling gently. You let out a squeak and felt him smirk against your chest as his free hand moved into your panties.

"So wet already?" He chuckled. "Baby wants me to take care of her?"

You blush furiously as he smirks at you. "Stop talking like that."

"Doesn't matter if you say you don't like it. I can tell you love it."

"Jeongin!" You moaned out as he started rubbing your clit.

"Let me take these off you? Need you so bad baby." He kissed you, his tongue rolling around yours for a moment before he pulled away.

You nodded and he pulled your pants and panties off your legs in one motion.

"So perfect for me." he muttered before kissing you as he slipped his long fingers into you. "This pretty pussy is all for me?"

You moaned. "Yeah- P-Please!"

"Are you gonna come for me like a good girl?" he asked curling his fingers to find your g-spot.

You moaned as his fingers moved in and out of you, "Yes."

"Good girl." He pulled his fingers out. "Want me to fuck you?"

You nodded and whined.

"Magic word?" There really was no way to describe how much he loved seeing you like this, all needy for him, it made him feel less flimsy like he wasn't the one begging you earlier.

"Please." You huffed.

He smiled at you before removing his clothes, "Don't smile at me like that, it's embarrassing.."

You giggled as he leaned over you. "Not my fault you're so pretty."

He laughed and kissed you again, the room suddenly feeling hot and heady. He rubbed his tip against you, gathering your slick and his precum before muttering something about coming too fast. He kissed your neck gently and slid into you with a soft relieved groan.

You sighed a moan and held onto him tightly, "Move."

"If I say no?" he breathed shakily.

"Why would you?" Your nails dug into his arms.

He let out a gentle laugh and finally pulled out, hissing at your heat before pushing in again, and again, gaining speed with each thrust. "Feels good?" He muttered.

"Uh huh." You whimpered.

"You feel good, look at that pretty pussy stretching around me like that." He groaned softly, angling his thrusts to hit your g-spot.

You moaned a high pitch cry, it came out a squeal and Jeongin swallowed it in a deep kiss, pulling away to breathe as his hand grabbed your breast. He groaned into your neck, biting down gently, his low moans muffled by your flesh. His hand moved between your bodies and he pinched your sensitive bundle of nerves.

You gasped loudly and held onto him tightly, your brain going foggy as he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

"Are you going to come?" He groaned into your ear. "Come baby, come with me, please?"

You nodded and squealed, toes curling as Jeongin pushed in deeper.

"Come on, come for me." He panted, thrusts slowing as he rubbed your clit.

You came hard, legs jerking slightly, Jeongin moaned, "So cute when you do that." He thrust in only a few more times before coming deep in you.

You lay there for a moment until he muttered. "Thought you woulda called me daddy."

"I can't call a baby that." You laughed.

Jeongin gave a sarcastic laugh. "What did you want for dinner again?"

Again I apologize for this taking so long to get out. the other requests will be out when i get time. -Khxndle

[biggothbelly]

You know, I've watched you spiral out of control for years at this point. I remember first finding you back in 2016. None of us really knew it then because you were so much smaller in comparison to the mass of lard you are now, but you were already too far gone to go back. Year after year, I watched you shovel endless amounts of calories down your throat, blowing your poor belly up so many times with a disgusting amount of food on such a regular and consistent basis, that there was no question that you were gonna get huge. However, I don't think anyone knew just how far you'd take it. I mean, look at you. Every ounce of your body is covered in fat. That tiny gut was forced to blow up into the massive, turgid, hanging food balloon we see it as today. You've forever ruined your skin and put so many deep, long, eye-catching stretch marks on your fucking gut. You've grown into nothing but a walking garbage disposal, and I'm sure you could easily outeat several grown men and still be begging for more food. The most shocking part is the fact that even though you're so close to 300 lbs, your greedy ass still wants to keep going. What's it gonna take to stop you? 300? 400? 500? What number could possibly scare you at this point? 600? 700? 800? I mean, if you're gonna go that far, you might as well just make a spectacle of yourself and go for an even 1000 lbs of pure blubber and lard. You'd be more relatable to a whale than a human at that point, especially with how much grease and junk it would take just to make you feel not hungry. No, not full, definitely not stuffed to the gills, but just enough so you can go without eating for more than 20 minutes. Let's just face it, you're fucked. You were fucked the moment you willingly decided to stuff your face for the first time because you wanted to see how good it would feel. Now look at you. You're an ever-growing blob that's just can't help themselves. You're never gonna try to lose the weight because you love being a fat slob so fucking much. You love how good it feels to eat and eat and eat until your stomach is begging you to stop and the weight of your poor, overfilled gut is pinning you down, so you couldn't even get up to get more food if you tried. I'd love to see you try to prove me wrong, but we all know you wouldn't last a day trying to lose weight.

This is the most inspiring ask I’ve ever received hehe tbh reading this made me hungryyyyy idk what I’ve done to myself tbh 😅 if went from something fun and every now and then to having to constantly feed my belly bc I’m always hungry and always so lazy I barely want to get up. I’ve given myself quiteeee the food addiction at this point all I ever do is think about eating and growing this belly. The idea of ever having to lost weight scared me bc I know I couldn’t handle it and I don’t think my belly would let me 😳😵‍💫 it’s hard lifting this gut around daily it’s so heavy my back and knees hurt all the time and a new thing I noticed is that my hips are starting to hurt when I walk. Now walking is getting harder and harder 🐖 I always feel like I have to sit my fat ass down. Who knows maybe one day I’ll be on my 600 pound life 🥴🫠 I have a seriousssss problem it seems hehe and you guys keep enabling me hehehe

[ofallthingsnasty]

tags: noncon spanking, power imbalance (boss/employee), exhibitionism, f!reader, reader wears a skirt + is implied to be chubby, this is just about being disciplined by sir crocodile pffft sorry idk what got into me with this one mini disclaimer: I haven’t been up to date with one piece since 2015 + I just finished the alabasta arc during my current re-read. this is pre-canon but please forgive me if I’ve missed anything. pairing: sir crocodile/f!reader word count: 1.4k

“Are you stupid?”

The clipboard in your hand shakes at the harsh words. You owlishly blink at the source of them - your boss, whose upturned eyebrows tell you just how  annoyed he is. Crocodile isn’t someone who you should try to talk back to, especially you - too soft compared to him and still fairly new to this job-

Yet you can’t help but bristle at his tone.

 “Excuse me, Sir?”

“I've excused you quite enough, haven't I?”

He clicks his tongue and his cigar dips with it, ignoring your indignant face.

“You don't listen, woman. I let it go yesterday but here you go again, staring off into space.”

Oh. So he noticed. 

It pains you to admit but you’re still starstruck over working for Sir Crocodile, one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea - and somewhat of a hero to your people. Helping him operate Rain Dinners might be weirdly mundane but being close to the man who has saved the people of Alabasta countless times is something you’re still not quite over. You know you’re too old to be that naive, that blue-eyed - but who can fault for wondering where he got that scar in his face from, or how he lost his hand? Working for someone like him would spice up anyone’s life in Rainbase. 

“Ah”, he sighs - heavy and exhausted as though you’re some kind of mutt, refusing to be properly trained -  and puts out his cigar. “It's no use.”

Okay, now you’re starting to sweat. Your eyes rush to the manager - who just blinks back at you, a cryptic expression on her stony face. 

“Over my knee.”

“Sir-”, you stammer out, glad that the words are even coming out despite the cold shower that is running down your spine. “This is entirely inappropriate- In front of other employees, no less-”

A wave of his hook interrupts you.

“A learning opportunity, then.”

This has to be some sort of nightmare - if it weren’t for the curious little head tilt of the other woman in the room, you’d try to pinch yourself awake. Your mouth opens and closes while you try to process this situation, try to make sense of it. You should leave, quit on the spot, tell him to fuck off-

You surprise yourself when you set down the clipboard with shaky hands. 

Maybe it’s because deep down, you don’t want to lose this job or because of the way his voice leaves no more room for discussion - but you lower yourself over his legs, feeling very much like a rotten child and not a fully grown woman. They dig into the fat of your stomach and press the waistband of your skirt uncomfortably against it but you don’t even dare to adjust yourself, you just grip the edge of the chair weakly and try to soothe the sting of humiliation by scrutinizing the texture of the floor beneath you.

You know what comes next - still you startle as your skirt is hiked up by his rough hand. He lifts up your midriff ever so slightly while he pulls the piece of clothing over your ass, the sturdy fabric holding almost all of your weight for a short second. Luckily, it stays intact - contrary to your tights. Thick fingers hook themselves underneath the band that helps them stay in place and you can only let out an indignant squeak as he digs into the thin fabric like it’s butter, ripping large holes into it. At least he leaves your panties where they belong.

“You’re going to count for me”, he says from somewhere above as though he’s telling you how he likes to take his whiskey and not about to spank his employee for a minor transgression.

You just nod with too much enthusiasm and a burning hot face.

You’re stock-still and tense over his knee - so acutely aware of the impending doom. He’s not going to be gentle with you, you have no pretense about that, you know that he’s going to make you feel his frustration, every bit of it.

He lifts his hand from your ass - you hear the fabric of his clothes shuffle, strain - and brace yourself.

It doesn’t hurt at first. You only register the smack of his palm meeting your flesh and feel the force that is behind it, that pushes you forward and shifts the content of your stomach uncomfortably over the bone of his thigh. A split second passes and then- it burns. 

You can’t suppress the shocked whimper that leaves you as you press out the count. “One.”

“One, what?”

You grit your teeth in utter shame but promptly rectify your mistake. 

"One, Sir. And thank you- Sir"

Your words are rewarded with his hand rubbing the skin beneath it - maybe it’s to alleviate the pain, maybe it’s to cop a feel - you cannot tell.

The next four hits come rather quickly. Your head is thrown down with each one and you can feel the snot building up in your nose, blood accumulating where branches of both the external and internal carotids meet, the skin hot and sticky. Still, you count each and every one of them, your voice getting wispier and wispier from the pain.

“Having trouble holding that thick head of yours up?”, he asks after the fifth one, thumb digging into now tender flesh. It’s an entirely rhetorical question.

“Let me help you. Don’t move.”

Not moving turns out to be rather difficult when his hook moves to your neck, that sharp, glinting tip too close to the soft organs of your throat. The cold metal settles right where your suprahyoid muscles connect to the bone, just above your larynx. 

It’s not enough to choke you - but the discomfort keeps your neck straining, instinctively trying to shield that small brace of bone that forms the hyoid.

Your eyes meet blue ones, just above the edge of Crocodile’s desk. You must look absolutely pathetic to her, you’re sure - but there is no judgment in her face, just a slender knuckle under her chin as her full attention is on you. Every further thought is swept away by another hit to your rear. It jerks you into his hook, crushing the fine cartilage of your voice box, forcing mucus into your mouth. Something pops among the muscles, like the jump of a tendon over bone and you balk at the noise, sure that he’ll break you before he even gets to the end of this.

 Yet you sputter out the number six, voice throaty with strain.

Seven, eight, nine and ten follow quickly - and aren’t less harsh. Every single cell of your body is focused on getting from one moment to the next, of just getting through this.

Whatever it is you do, it’s deemed to be adequate - eleven and twelve come and go - slower, but heavier - and he finally rests his hand on your prickling skin after you croak out fifteen, Sir, your throat tender and ass bruised so deeply that your left leg shakes with it. A few tense seconds pass - during which you’re not sure if he’s actually done or not, but a soft sigh confirms it. 

“Up with you.”

You’ve never moved faster in your life, beaten ass be damned. Trying to preserve the last shreds of your dignity, you tuck down your rumpled skirt with shaky fingers, fighting the urge to rub your sore neck. You can barely look at him, too scared you might find nothing but disdain in his eyes.

“Look at you now. What a nuisance.” He doesn’t sound disappointed - just tired. Like you’re a mess that needs to be cleaned up and he just came home from a long day at work. You shrink into yourself at his tone, relieved that it’s over but still tense, still afraid that there will be other consequences. “Go on. Get yourself fixed.”

You’re dismissed with a simple wave of the very hand you can still feel on your skin - that will make it hard for you to sit in the next few days. 

Robin's eyes follow you as you hurry out of the door, pantyhose ripping even further because you try to clumsily adjust it while walking, your face betraying every single emotion you feel. Hurt, humiliation, even genuine anguish - but you’re still in one piece, even if your ego (and ass) are a little beat up. She tilts her head as she watches the very last traces of you disappear.

“Hm. You've gotten soft.”

He huffs in annoyance and reaches for the untouched newspaper in front of him, not even bothering to light a new cigar. She eyes Crocodile for a second as he pulls the pages taut. Something clicks.

"You like her", she says, thoroughly amused now.

The only answer she gets is a sharp tug at the newspaper.

A/N: It's hard to decipher what non-Baroque Works employees of Rain Dinners call Robin -- but she is addressed as manager, so I stuck with that. I hope it didn't confuse you.

[fluffytriceratops]

𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐀𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞 - 𝐋𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐨 [𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟔]

Notes: the gif makes me think of the "i got it" moment between Mike and Leo. You'll understand when you read it. My writing is rusty and this is unedited because I'm lazy, so it might be shit. :D Possibly part one? I might write a part two- idk yet. I was in the mood for angst and this has been sitting in my drafts for literally ages so I figured I'd finish it up and post it since it's also been ages since I've posted a TMNT imagine! ALSO- REQUESTS ARE CURRENTLY OPEN! If you would like to submit a request, please do so via asks, and please read my rules on my blog before hand, thank you! <33

Warnings: mature language, ANGST, mentions of addiction, mentions of alcohol, mental/emotional abuse, mentions of depression, brief mentions of self harm, etc.

Tags: @thelaundrybitch @rheawritesforfun @digitl-art-monstr @leosgirl82 @turtle-babe83 @mysticboombox @drowninghell @squirrelfurs @lec743 @post-apocalyptic-daydream @bibiz82 @raphslovemuffin80 @raphielover @tmntspidergirl

(If you would like to be tagged in my future TMNT realted posts (let me know if you want just reader insert stuff or if you want OC related content included) feel free to lemme know and I'll happily add you!)

Thank you for reading! Have a lovely day/night! Stay safe and make sure to take care of yourselves! I'm sending all the virtual hugs to you~! <3

***

Her gaze was locked onto the screen of her phone. She had opened her camera app to double check her appearance before going in, but what she saw caught her off guard. The large purple bags under her eyes, the paleness of her skin. All the weight she had lost was visible in her face alone, no matter how hard she had tried to hide it under baggy clothes. She didn't need anyone worrying about her. She could take care of herself... Y/n knew she hadn't been sleeping well. Not at all, actually. The only time she got the chance to get some rest was when she passed out from sheer exhaustion. Was it unhealthy? Oh absolutely. But she couldn't help herself. It didn't help that she worked two jobs. Ever since her father got fired, she was the one who had to keep everyone afloat. It was driving her mad.

Taking in a shaky breath, she shoved her phone back into her sweater's pocket and began to walk the rest of the way to the lair. It wasn't far. It didn't take long at all for her to get there. Once she stepped inside, she was greeted by the smell of pizza. Her stomach turned and she felt nauseous immediately. Y/n hadn't told anyone that she had gone on a diet. Not yet, anyway. Nor did she tell them she had stopped eating much at all. She was fine, they didn't need to know.

Y/n tucked a few strands of loose hair behind her ear, she took in another shaky breath before walking up to where they were. Their voices were loud and expressive. Raphael let out a bark of laughter, slapping Mikey on the shell in amusement. Leo was busy talking with April, and Casey was stuck chatting with Vern. It was Donatello who had noticed her first. "Hey, Y/n! We were starting to think you wouldn't make it!" He greeted with a cheerful smile.

She tried not to flinch under their sudden gazes. Pulling her lip between her teeth anxiously. God, she felt like vomiting. She needed to leave. "Yeah! You're late dude! What took you so long!?" Michelangelo whined, walking over and moving to sling an arm across her shoulders. She ducked under him before he got the chance.

"N-Nothing, really. Just took my time." Y/n shrugged, shuffling over towards the rest of them hurriedly. She had been dodging their embraces recently, and they were starting to notice. Mikey pursed his lips in a pout, missing the skeptic look on his brother's faces. They had all been brushing off her behavior, but this had been going on for what felt like forever. She was starting to look worse each time they saw her. There was one turtle who knew more than the other's. One who had suspected something was off a lot sooner than everyone else. Leonardo watched Y/n closely. Blue eyes practically glued to her.

"What kind of pizza would you like? We got meat lovers, cheese, veggie-" she cut Donnie off. "None, thanks. I'm uh, dieting." She shrugged, rocking on the balls of her feet nervously. Y/n could feel his eyes boring into her. Her heart rate increased rapidly. Pounding against her rib cage in a desperate plea to flea. Don looked at the other's briefly before turning his gaze back to the female. He nodded slowly, "Okay. Um, would you like something else?" Y/n's hands tightened in her pockets, curling into fists. She simply shook her head. "No thanks.. Not hungry.."

The room grew oddly silent for a few beats. Vern coughed obnoxiously into his elbow just to clear the silence. Leo had yet to look away from Y/n. It made her feel more nervous than anything else. Why was he starring at her? Couldn't he look somewhere else? Just when she was about to say or do something she'd definitely regret, Casey had spoken up. "So, uh, Y/n- I saw your dad today." Her head snapped towards him in a matter of seconds. It was a wonder how she didn't get whiplash. "You did? Where?"

She sounded nervous, and the other's picked up on it immediately. Raph and Donnie caught each other's gaze before the red clad turtle looked towards their leader. Leo was silent and observing. He stood still with his arms folded over his chest. Lips pressed into a flat line and brow ridge lightly furrowed. Raphael watched his brother closely, but his attention was moved else where as the conversation continued.

Casey, who was glad to get away from Vern, stepped forwards. Snatching himself up another slice of pizza. "Convenience store, on West Street. I was grabbing the drinks for today and bumped into him. His hand was all bandaged up, apparently he went to the ER today." He said before taking a merry bite out of the delightful pie. Y/n's gaze darkened.

Stop talking. Shut up. Don't say another word. Please. She all but begged, starring at him numbly. She knew this already. She was the one who dropped him off at the hospital. If it were possible, Y/n felt sicker than before. Her hands began to shake, she was just glad they were hidden in the pockets of her hoodie. She bit her tongue to stop from bolting. Everyone else was quiet, listening to Casey's story. Looking between the both of them as he spoke. She wanted to cry. "I know." She said, barley managing to get the words out.

Casey didn't seem to catch on. Or if he did, he continued to speak about it anyway. "So you know he put his hand through a window?" He was looking at her intensely, hell everyone was. Especially Leo. His gaze felt like fire, burning holes into her skull. She wanted to combust into flames. Right then and there.

"Yeah. Anything else." Y/n's tone grew bitter, and she couldn't help but glare at him. Hoping, praying, that he would just drop it and leave her alone. Casey ignored her. "Well, I know it's your mom's birthday. And I know it's been hard for the both of you. So y'know, we just wanted to check in." He gestured towards all of them, and she barley managed to peek towards them. Had they been talking about her?

"Casey-" April warned, shaking her head subtly at him. Either he didn't see it, or he ignored her as well. "And he was very charming. But he seemed kind of sad. I'd hate to see it happen again, so maybe you should keep a better eye on him." Was he serious? He couldn't be fucking serious, right? Y/n felt like she had swallowed cotton balls. Her nails punctured her skin and she igno red the light stinging. She was staring at a random crumb on the table. Gazing at it as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Completely and utterly silent.

Leo's arms unfolded and he took a step towards her, but she quickly turned her gaze back to Casey. "Everyday is my mother's birthday.." She started, gaze icy, voice venomous. Leo stopped in his tracks, everyone was looking at her, but she focused on Casey solely. "My mother was born in December. He lied. He's a liar." Tears glazed at the corners of her eyes but she's refused to let them fall. Voice rising in anger.

"And I'm glad- really, I'm glad that you found him charming. I'm sure he was delightful. He's a blast after five drinks. Not so much after nine though, he get's a little weepy and mean." Mikey's eyes widened and he looked towards his older brother's worriedly. She hadn't uttered a word of this before, it was the first time anyone was hearing it. Leo's jaw clenched but she hadn't noticed it. Too busy focusing all her pent up anger on Casey. "He's a drunk. He probably came in and told you how wonderful you are. How he wished he could have a son like you. And how sad he is because he doesn't get to spend more time with me." She hadn't meant to cry, but the tears had started to slip down her pale cheeks. Y/n wiped at them angrily.

Casey stood there in shock, taking in her angry words carefully. He didn't dare say anything, all he did was look at her and take it. "Yesterday he said that I was his favorite daughter. The day before, I was an ungrateful bitch. The week before- he wrote me a check fortwenty thousand dollarsbecause he said I deserved everything life had to offer. Because he was so proud of me. A lifetimes worth of proud..." her voice cracked and her bottom lip trembled. Y/n looked down, forcing her hair to partially hide her face. She tried to collect herself as she wiped at her tears with her sleeve. "You can't listen to a word that man says. Everything that comes out of his mouth is about as many bottles as he can stomach before he either vomits it up or passes out."

"But thank you for telling me to keep a better eye on him." Y/n shook her head and turned on her heal. Storming out of the room and out of the lair altogether. She was tired of all this bullshit.

"Y/n! Wait!" Mikey moved to go after her but Leo clamped a hand down onto his shoulder. "I got it..." He muttered, casting an annoyed glance at Casey from over his shoulder before he chased after the h/c female.

"Well that was a train wreck." Vern muttered, wincing at the glare Casey shot in his direction. "How was I supposed to know." He hissed. "It's not like Y/n's a very open person."

"We all knew something was up, I'm sure Casey just wanted to make sure she was okay." April said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Case smiled at her briefly in thanks.

"I wish she would have said something..." Donnie whispered, twiddling his 'thumbs' nervously. "Maybe we could have helped her somehow."

"Y/n's stubborn. She doesn't wanna rely on anyone else. She doesn't wanna be a burden." Raph grumbled, shrugging his shoulders. "Still. I wish she would lean on us a little more. I'd like ta give her father a piece of my mind." He huffed.

Michelangelo's lips pulled into a frown. "You.. You don't think he hits her, do you?" The room fell silent, and everyone turned their gazes towards the area she had left.

"Leo'll make sure she's okay." Don spoke quietly, hands clenching each other desperately.

━

She knew he was following her. But he didn't approach. Not in the sewers, and not outside of them, either. He was waiting for the right time. Giving her a chance to cool off. If anything, the fact that Leo had come after her only pissed Y/n off more. She didn't want to get a lecture from him. She didn't want to rant. She wanted to lay in bed and cry. And she wanted to do it alone.

Y/n managed to hold herself together pretty well. She only let a few tears and sniffles slip out on her way back home. She lived in a sketchy part of the city in a small and dinky apartment. It was her, her two sisters Lucy and Amelia, and their father. Her mother had died a few years back. Her father was never the same after that. He ended up losing the job he had since before he met his wife. He couldn't keep a job afterwards, either. And he started drinking. He drowned his sorrows in alcohol. Any little bit of money he made went straight into alcohol. Lucy was the youngest, she had yet to start high school. Amelia was the oldest. She spent most of her time at her home with her fiance and their newborn son. She couldn't stand to even look at their father. She refused to see him. They always fought, too. Amelia wanted to take Y/n and Lucy with her, but Lucy was in custody of their father. And Y/n refused to leave him to rot.

Y/n's keys jingled as she pulled them from her pocket and jammed them into the deadbolt on the door of her apartment. She knew Leo would already be inside when she entered. And if not, then he was waiting on her fire escape.

The door slammed shut behind her, she kicked her shoes off by the door and walked further inside. There was no sight of her father, so he must be out. Most likely at the bar down the street. It was within walking distance and it was the weekend. There was no way he wouldn't be there. Lucy was sleeping over at Amelia's for the weekend, which meant she was home alone.

The thought would have been extremely comforting had Leonardo not been lurking around the corner.

She passed through the kitchen and walked down the hallway that lead to the bedrooms. Amelia's old room was first, it was completely empty now. Y/n shared a room with Lucy. She was supposed to move into Amelia's room after Amelia moved out, but Lucy didn't feel safe alone. And it wasn't just her father making her feel that way. Y/n was comforting to her. Knowing she was sleeping in the same room kept her calm. Their father's room was the last one. The door was always closed. No one was ever allowed in. He slept on the couch more than his own bed.

The second Y/n pushed her bedroom door open she saw Leonardo standing at the foot of her bed. Patiently waiting for her.

Y/n's gaze hardened, but she said nothing. She kicked the door shut behind her and walked past him to her desk. She needed to do something. Anything. She just needed to keep busy. So she started to organize her college assingments.

Leo remained quiet, simply watching her. After a few minutes of Y/n shuffling papers and slamming drawers he opened his mouth. "Y/n."

"Don't." She snapped, tensing at the sound of his voice.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say..." He breathed, blue; blue eyes glued to her. Scared that if he looked away she would crack and break into a million pieces.

"I don't want you to say anything." She mumbled, voice strained. Her movements had seized. She simply stood there, back facing him. Honestly she was afraid that if she turned and caught sight of his ocean colored eyes, she'd burst.

The room grew quiet again. Y/n knew he was looking at her. She could feel his intense gaze plastered to her back. Studying every small movement she made. The light tremble of her hands. The slight shaking of her shoulders. The wobbling of her knees. Y/n tried to hold herself together. Keep the tears at bay. It was a fools wish.

She could feel his presence. Feel him walking closer. Till he was just a few meesly inches away from her. Leo was so close she knew if she took the tiniest of steps backward his chest would connect with her back. His hand grazed her arm and she broke the silence with a sharp inhale.

And she crumbled.

Tears blurred her vision as she gasped out a shuddering sob. A sob that shook her entire body. One that stole the breath from her lungs and broke her heart into millions of microscopic pieces. She collapsed against him and he held her tightly against his plastron. Strong arms hooking around her waist and pulling her flush against him.

Leonardo said nothing as she cried. It wasn't the first time she cried in his arms. And it most certainly wouldn't be the last.

Nothing was said or done. Neither of them moved. He just held her tight as she let out everything she had been holding in. By the time her cries had quieted, and tears dried on her skin. The sun had started to set. Basking the room in its warm fading glow through the window. Painting the two of them in a lovely array of yellows, oranges, and pinks.

Leo slowly turned Y/n around. Even when she was crying, she was utterly beautiful. Achingly so. He placed his hand under her chin and slowly tilted her red face upwards. Her e/c dewy eyes met his own. There was no longer a wall between them. He had managed to break it down in a matter of seconds. And now, all her pain was visible to him in her eyes.

There was a reason they say eyes are the windows to the soul.

Leo had built his own wall. One he kept up at all times. Around everyone. Everyone except her.

No words needed to be expressed between either of them. They already knew exactly how the other was feeling. With one simple glance. That's all it took. All it ever took.

Leonardo leaned down instinctevly, slowly and cautiously. Waiting and watching to see if she would pull away. Y/n never did. Instead, she slowly and hesitantly moved closer. That's when their lips connected.

A soft and deseperate kiss was shared. He held her face delicately, as if she would crumble into dust in his arms. Y/n clutched at him desperately, afraid he'd see how truly broken and damaged she was and pull away. Leo wasn't going anywhere. Something he told her with his lips as he peppered her skin with kisses. And when he reached her mouth again, he kissed her hard. He poured his soul into her. She drank him up.

As they parted for air. Y/n gasping for a whole other reason. He grabbed her hand and pressed a few more tender kisses to her knuckles. Eyes locked. Chests heaving. Hearts pounding.

Their souls danced the same.

"You don't have to hide around me. There's no need to barricade your feelings anymore." Leo whispered, brushing his thumb against the back of her hand. "You can show me the darkest and scariest parts of yourself. I'm not going anywhere."

A few more tears slid down her tender red cheeks. They caught the light of the sun and shone like tiny falling stars. He brushed them away with his lips.

"Even if I'm destined to crumble into nothing?" Y/n breathed, placing her hand on his chest. Fingertips tracing the markings engraved into his plastron from years of battle and training.

"Even if you're destined to crumble into nothing." Leo whispered, pressing a loving kiss to each rosey cheek. "I'll always be here. Right here. In your arms, where I belong."

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[an-au-blog]

hello! a different anon interested in the unclenapped au here! (and other aus where buggy is with the strawhats i guess)

not to bring PLOT into a mostly character-focused au, but with extra strawhat crew aus i'm always curious where the author would have kuma send the new guy(s) post-sabaody. basically, where would you send your au buggy to learn & grow over the time skip? is he learning new skills somewhere, or landing on the red force (or wherever luffy & rayleigh ended up) and learning about his past?

thanks!

Hello other anon! Can I call you Difan (get it? because different anon (I'm so funny ik))

And no, no, no, don't worry, I LOVE plot! And I was actually recently thinking about the whole Kuma situation. Because he sent each one either to a friend/somewhere to make connections with the revolution, or to help them train/help with personal growth.

At first I thought maybe I should make up an island that would fit this version of him. Something that would maybe make him conquer his fear of being trapped and claustrophobia, or maybe something to better help him use his powers.

Maybe something like an island where everything is small and all the inhabitants live in dark holes in the walls (picture something like the kindergarten from Steven Universe). And Buggy is freaking out because he can't live in the whole in the wall, he just can't! Not again! Not to mention the food, there's so little food for the small people there, what would he eat - as someone probably two times their size?

He just wasn't ready to go back to not having anything. So he starts helping them grow their farms and defend themselves from wild beasts and in return they help him reach inner peace and face his trauma. Maybe he'd even have a Sanji moment where he finds out that the people can teach him fighting skills he didn't know they had?

idk...

But I also started looking into places or different arcs and two specific ones actually seem pretty fitting. (can you tell I've actually given this quite a bit of thought hahaha ':))

The first place I thought of was Impel down. It would also cross with the canon timeline and events. Think about it: he'll get over his fear of imprisonment, make connections with the revolutionaries living in the walls. It would be just like in canon for the exception that Buggy is willingly helping Luffy and he's been in there for a shorter time.

Not to mention that on the ship when they tell everyone that he used to sail with Roger, he would be finding out something new about himself. Maybe even remember something.

(And here I go pushing my shuggy agenda again) And that way Shanks's return would be have more weight as well. It would impact both of them so much because 1. Shanks not only lost Ace but now he finally found Buggy and 2. Buggy went through so much trauma and then some greasy redhead claims to know him??? And what's more, he doesn't have this spike of anxiety upon meeting him?? (but maybe I'll make a separate post about that specifically)

Although I don't know if after that I'd want him to go back to Amazon Lily with Luffy and meet Rayleigh (because again: revealing past and all that fun stuff), or if i want him to be taken in by Shanks and his crew instead of Law (and he'd still have the reveal of the past but differently that with Silver...)(idk just food for thought)

Anyway though,

The second place I thought of is a bit of a stretch. I thought of Arabasta. It's a bit of a stretch because, why would he be there?

Well they're alleys of the straw hats and had recently gotten out from under Crocodile. Also if I'm not mistaken the revolution army had it's foot in there as well right? Also I'd absolutely love seeing Vivi and Buggy interactions. I feel like she could teach him a lot in just general. Also he'd love the sun so much.

I'm also thinking maybe he could train and learn quite a bit history there. But I hadn't had that much time to think about this option to be honest...

[dinoburger]

a couple folks who watched me mess around with crafts and amateur mask making thought I should document the process, idk if anyone would be interested in all that here, but it was a process alright.

I wanted to try to do it as cheap as possible while trying to aim for the best quality I could, most of what I bought for it was just a styrofoam head to build off as a base, some cheap plasticine that feels nasty and greasy and smells unpleasant but it's reusable at least, some plaster, PVA glue and some little tubs of glaze and gesso.

I decided I was going to try using that diy recycled craft paper I've seen people make so that was a whole tangent. I never liked that newspaper strips as paper mache just kind of peel and make things nasty, which isn't what I wanted. I figured not having a grain in the same way, being softer and more pliable would be the advantage of diy paper.

I made a deckle and mould by dismantling a shallow rectangular jewelry box I picked up off the side of the road with a hammer - pretty, uhm, roughly, I only meant to take the bottom out of the box and the top out of the lid so I'd have two matching frames, but kind of smashed it to bits, I found a bunch of bulldog clips to hold it back together. The rig works, but it's chaotic at best, hahaha

I absolutely wasn't going to use the blender for making paper pulp, I found a beat up old stick mixer that broken down entirely not long after I'd started using it. I mainly made my pulp by squashing it up with my hands after letting it soak for 12 hours, which took at least a couple of hours to do myself. I tried also mashing it up like how the ancient Greeks made wine: by putting it in a tub and stomping, but I can't say that was particularly effective and mostly it made an ungodly mess.

So, I built my mask's face off the styrofoam head and cast it in plaster, which worked well except that the nose broke. Combination of not using enough to reinforce that area and the fact that I used a strip of cardboard to support the plasticine I built up for the nose, and it absorbed the dampness of the wet plaster and kind of... exacerbated the problem I think by making it structurally less stable.

The casting tutorial suggested vaseline to grease the inside of the mold but I wasn't sure we had any so I substituted with a chunk of soap I cut off a bar and made into a paste. I think that worked fine.

my first cast wasn't great, I pulled the mask out too quickly and the texture of all the paper that was stuck to the inside and then quickly stuck back to the mask lost a lot of the details. I also tried building up some of the damaged parts with this one - definitely better to cast well the first time than try to fix a botched mask, it lost even more integrity because of how the wet paper being added and extra weight made it lose shape. The whole bridge of the nose kind of collapsed in on itself.

The second cast I did with pure paper pulp since I had lots of it left, and it crumbled apart when I pulled it out, but even the chunks of it I had were much more promising - they felt smooth and got more of the details of the wrinkles in the plaster mould.

Third one is the one in the post linked above, a layer of pulp followed by diy paper strips... idk what it is, you'd expect it to be sort of similar since one is just dried out paper pulp, but something about the process of letting it form a kind of membrane on the surface of the deckle before drying it gives it a more cohesive quality. I used plenty of paste in this run too.

The nose unfortunately still had to be rebuilt at the tip but I was cautious not to get any of the other bits of the mask wet. I think 48 hours is probably like, Bare Minimum for drying time, especially for more porous materials - I'm currently drying a fifth one, the fourth was cast with pulp I made from bark just for the hell of it, and it was still pretty damp even after sitting it in front of the gas heater on and off for 2 days. I mean hell, I have the mould now, might as well use it.

I also tried to recast the nose so we'll see if that works, it wasn't too much of an ordeal to stick some plasticine in there and try to reshape it.

The first cast also ended up being my decorating test run, I wanted to see if just glazing over sharpie instead of painting would work - it's alright, but there's probably better techniques. The thing about drawing anything elaborate directly onto the mask is that it's hard to get pen into the wrinkles, you're better drawing on paper separately and decoupaging it on I reckon.

Oh, did you know sharpie marker bleeds through gesso and acrylic paint? I've tried to paint over stuff and it always kind of amazes me how penetrative alcoholic pen marks are when the paint dries, even when applied really thick.

I managed to draw on the gold lines with metallic sharpie in my first run but it didn't work the second time - I think drawing over paint might have damaged the marker? - so I sort of improvised with the metallic string. My mum likes collecting ribbons and strings and coloured paper for gifts so I nicked a bunch of those things. The pansy bead on the forehead came from a button shop and the tiny one on the bridge of the nose actually came from my great grandmother's collection of beads that I inherited :')

Ah, and the staining - before I went over with a medium gloss glaze I tried to get that, what is it, distressed? varnished? that kind of darker brown that makes the masks look aged and gets into the crevices, emphasizing the wrinkles very nicely. I tried tea and coffee as a kind of stain, the coffee worked a lot better - there's still some grains stuck around the mask's cheek, haha. I also used the coffee to stain the skewers I'm thinking of using for quills (they aren't completely stuck on yet.

The thread is partially pushed through the mask to keep it in place and make sure it doesn't just peel off, I used pins to pin it to the mask and pva glue to keep it in position, removing the pins after it dried. I stitched the ribbon onto the back before I glued it down and sealed it all over with gesso. I'm not 100% on how sturdy it is but I'm hoping it holds.

... I think that's where I'm at with it so far, I might decorate the "quills" more with beads or something. idk yet.

[yaspii]

tw for disordered eating stuff under the cut but I've been working with a dietician who specializes in individuals with ADHD and it has been truly life changing

I have had the hardest time stomaching food for the past year or so cause of my meds and sensory things from ADHD and it's only got worse from my doctor telling me to lose weight to the degree that I've lost over 30 pounds since April last year. I have tried so many things to make cooking and eating bearable but each time it's even more work. She initially guided me by trying to find foods I could always stomach that were easy to prepare. This worked for some time but eventually even the act of chewing seemed like a herculean task. At one point I just told myself to drink a glass of milk for breakfast because at least that was something.

When I told her this she immediately latched onto it and said we can work with that let's just make sure if you can't eat anything else that day you can drink 2L of this protein enriched milk and some specific vitamins. This pretty much flies in the face of any sort of nutrition advice I have found. That you need balance, that vitamins from food are better than supplements. But it only occurred to me once she put me on this diet that internalizing those things, while true for many people, did not help me, a person who in most cases can't get those nutrients any other way. I drink my milk, I try my best to eat a carb or two as well and some Chia seeds for fibre. And I feel much better than I did when I was barely eating anything, who knew! And yeah hopefully this isn't a forever thing. But I think I'll be set up for much more success on a balanced diet if I actually have energy and my mental faculties about me to go about it in a sensible way. Idk man novel brains require novel solutions and I've never felt safer with a medical professional in my life. She not only saw my unique needs and took them in without an ounce of judgment but she understood immediately that my losing weight was not a good thing despite being overweight.

[gippyworm]

Didn't get the job-thing I applied for through the uni, they said they couldn't really fault my application or interview but it was just 'very competitive'. All I can think is they think I do too much already or maybe I didn't "know enough" about their company. Or maybe it was because I didn't grow up in the area actually, because to get the scholarship version of the gig you have to have grown up in the area.

Was assuming I would get it because everyone I spoke to including one of my teachers who works alongside them said I should work there and had no doubt I would get in. And I need the money so bad I'm so sick of being broke and not having any food and I've used up almost all my garden fund that I was so excited to buy plants with and everything just sucks.

I go onto facebook and get old school friends posting the most bougie photos at high end parties and buying investment properties and I cant help but feel idk. Not jealous over those things bc i dont like parties and I dont want investment properties. But envious that some just inherited wealth or were handed an entire business at 20 years old to make money from yknow. Meanwhile I had to consider whether I could afford butter at the supermarket.

I'm feeling constant agony over what to eat and I feel like I've completely lost all willpower because I've just completely given up. But I've been steadily gaining weight because I eat so much sugar and I can't stand how it changes my face and I have no energy but no matter what I do to try fix my food it never lasts. It affects my energy and my skin, but I can't afford professional help and even if I could who do you even go see? Naturopaths can be too pseudo-scientific but dietitions are so expensive and the free session I had with one a few years ago was the most unhelpful thing I've ever done.

I think I just need a break. I'm really sick of studying atm like I wish I could defer mid-semester because there's too much happening right now and its paralysing. Getting the news that I didn't get the gig really was the last nail in the coffin for me atm.

Guess I'm just disappointed. And so over being stressed. And so fucking sick of being poor.

[lucysweatslove]

Trigger warning for the readmore because body/weight talk. Also: relative weight changes (no exact weight talked about but like, +/- x lbs), weight bias in medicine, my prior ED history.

I've restarted this kinda-journal entry multiple times trying to convey what I mean without rambling too much... idk if this is going to be any different.

For background: A month ago (literally 4/17), I realized I was 13 weeks from school orientation and 14 weeks from when school started. I wanted to establish some better habits, feel better in my body, etc etc, so I set up some actionable desires (eg, eat more vegetables) and turned that into a complex system to bribe myself for specific actionable tasks (eg, rewards for eating 40g of vegetables, brushing my teeth, flossing, going to bed on time, engaging in hobbies, exercise, etc). Although weight was not part of this, I had expected that these habits/tasks would lead to some weight loss. I usually start to lose some weight around this time of year because my normal eating habits transition to more fresh food and lower fat anyway (just my preferences changing with the weather), and being more intentional about water, fruits and veg, protein, exercise, etc usually also results in some weight loss.

Well, after it didn't seem to lead to weight loss the first two weeks, I got worried about health stuff, so I spent another two weeks being more meticulous about tracking so that I had ~DATA~ to back up my concerns, if they were still there and I needed to see my doc.

Monday, I weighed in and had "gained weight" from the week prior (initially up 1.2 lbs from the past week- then after I was awake for a little bit longer I had to use the bathroom and "lost" 0.6lbs from that, so I had "gained" 0.6 lbs in a week). This lead to spiraling of both health concerns and concerns for how my body will be perceived for two main reasons: one, how I look in business casual clothing (if you don't think there are higher standards for a fat person to "look respectable" under societal rules, you have been living under a rock), and two, if my ED will be invalidated in the minds of my preceptors.

Here's the thing with that second one. I wrote about my eating disorder in some essays for my applications. I didn't expect to even get interviews, and there is a "hush-hush" culture in medical education for anything related to mental health. I was very frustrated by this- my mental health history has played major roles in my scholastic history and in how I relate to medicine as a field. So I said fuck it and wrote about it. Now, this has been shared with my preceptors.

Nobody has seen my body, just my face, and this terrifies me. I think they are expecting maybe a slightly fleshy but overall "normal weight" woman- not somebody who is categorically "obese." Part of what I wrote about, and the biggest part of my story honestly, was not being taken seriously because of how I looked. I wasn't thin; my ED was atypical anorexia, which isn't actually atypical but alas, bigger bodies with restrictive eating disorders have been routinely ignored in medicine. I didn't get appropriate treatment. I quite literally had to educate myself, learn to interpret my own labs through the eyes of my ED. I learned how to read EKGs and monitor my blood pressure and quite literally medically manage my own self through my recover. And I had very little psychological support too. It was hell and I am always terrified people will say "you didn't require any support so you never had an eating disorder" just as much as I'm terrified they will say "you are fat, so you couldn't have actually had a restrictive ED. Are you sure you have this right? That you actually are binge-eating and think normal eating is disordered?" (answer to all of that: yes I had atypical anorexia; yes I am sure this is right; no I do not binge eat; no, diet culture is disordered).

So basically, I'm worried about reliving all of that trauma. And because of this, I am having a hard time with the idea that I'm not losing weight "fast enough" to be at a weight/body size that will afford me more privilege in the healthcare space (or at least, being less stigmatized).

When I sat back and thought about it, because of how bodies fluctuate, I have no idea how much weight I've actually lost. I didn't actually weigh myself on "Day 1," 4/17, because the goal wasn't weight loss- I just assumed I would lose weight, if that makes sense. I did step on the scale on 4/13, and then I weighed myself again on 4/21. And these two numbers differed by like 2.8 lbs. I also keep comparing my weight from one weigh-in to the next, rather than looking at it from a whole.

Here's a chart showing weight change from the prior weight in (blue curve, what I've been looking at) and overall change in weight over the last month (orange). "0" is the start date, and the first entry is 4 days before then (the 4/13). The giant drop you see at the end? That's the difference from Monday to today. There will probably be another rise soon too, because bodies fluctuate normally and that's just that.

In essence, I am losing weight just fine, but in my head it's not fast enough and not consistent enough because it will never be fast and consistent enough for me to not be worried about weight bias in medicine- both how I'll be perceived as a patient and as a future provider.

[jonathanrichman]

so that post about people treating you better when you're thinner is exactly the reason i've never been mad at my mom for giving me an eating disorder.

or like, i'd rather she hadn't done that, but i've always known it genuinely came from the best place possible, as fucked up as that is. she desperately wanted me to be thin because she wanted people to be kinder towards me so that life would be easier.

she literally used to tell me all throughout middle and high school, "you have a pretty face and if you just lost xx amount of weight, the world will be your oyster" and "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and the fucked up part is, she was completely right!!!! i lost weight and it was like i was floating through life lol.

even people i had knew my whole life respected me more. if i wanted a job i could basically go up and ask for it. guys in bands i liked and listened to wanted to sleep with me! i suddenly started getting invited to parties when i never had before. i was a camp counselor for a few years and when i came back skinny all my campers loved me so much more lol.

and..... that's all my mother ever wanted (still wants) for me. and it didn't happen until i was 23ish. and she obsessed over what i ate and looked like because SHE KNOWS WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY!!!!! LMFAO. and she didn't want to lie to me and tell me life can be equally good being slightly heavier than it can be when you're thin.

she's always been an extremely smart woman, she just didn't know HOW to go about making me thinner because she was never thin growing up (she is now though and i can tell it's literally everything she's always wanted lol). and she herself doesn't have a good relationship with food.

i think it would have been better to get me more active. and get the adhd thing sorted out so i wasn't constantly snacking looking for a dopamine fix. and to stop using food i liked as a reward for behaving how she wanted me to. idk, i was her first and only kid and she was trying her best and my dad was quite literally in Antarctica lol.

but it genuinely came from wanting to give me the best life possible..... and it shouldn't be that way, but it is

[sarasa-cat]

@sarahawke Okay -- one more: this time I am trying to see what happens when it plagiarizes me (and me+old-co-author). The sentence structure per paragraph is a bit more complex than the other tests I tried, but it is also grabbing text from idek where. Noticed that it is OVERUSING a stutter that I give one of the characters. All that said, it doesn't sound like me (or prior co-author) all that much because it flattens the, uh, idk, the specific style I had at that time, but it is far less simplistic english than prior examples.

Also, it realllllly wants to have someone's heart skip a beat, which it must just associate with fanfic. I've never written this pair as romantic at all (and I have NEVER written "heart skips a beat") -- although there are 2 orphaned stories of this pair (no idea who the original author was for those) and I'll need to read those later to see if/what it sampled from them.

Aveline & Cullen

Me attempting to get openai to lean more heavily on plagiarizing me:

Aveline stood in the courtyard of Kirkwall's templar barracks, her eyes scanning the horizon for any sign of trouble. As captain of the guard, it was her duty to keep the city safe, but she couldn't help feeling a sense of unease lately. The mages were becoming more and more restless, and there were rumors of a rebellion brewing.

As she stood there lost in thought, she felt a presence behind her. She turned to see Cullen, the templar commander, approaching.

"Good evening, Captain," he said, his voice cool and professional.

"Commander," Aveline replied, nodding her head in greeting.

They stood there in silence for a moment, neither one sure what to say. Aveline had always respected Cullen as a fellow warrior, but she had never really spoken to him outside of official business.

Finally, Cullen spoke up. "I wanted to apologize for the way I spoke to you the other day. I...I didn't mean to be so harsh."

Aveline raised an eyebrow in surprise. She had never heard Cullen apologize before. "Apology accepted, Commander. But may I ask what brought this on?"

Cullen hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I...I've been under a lot of stress lately. With everything that's going on with the mages, I find myself lashing out at anyone who crosses my path. It's not an excuse, but...I hope you can understand."

Aveline nodded, feeling a sense of empathy for the templar commander. "I understand better than most, Commander. I know what it's like to bear the weight of responsibility on your shoulders."

Cullen nodded, his eyes meeting hers for a moment before looking away. "Yes, I suppose you do."

They stood there in silence for a moment, the tension between them palpable. Aveline found herself drawn to Cullen's quiet strength and determination, and she couldn't help feeling a sense of admiration for him.

Finally, Cullen spoke up again. "Captain, I...I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner tonight. I know a quiet little place just outside the city walls. It's nothing fancy, but...I think you'd like it."

Aveline felt her heart skip a beat at the invitation. She had never really thought of Cullen in that way before, but the thought of spending more time with him was intriguing.

"I'd like that, Commander," she said, a small smile spreading across her face.

Cullen returned the smile, and Aveline felt a warmth spread through her that had nothing to do with the summer sun beating down on them.

As they walked towards the city gates, Aveline found herself wondering where this unexpected connection with Cullen might lead. But for now, she was content to simply enjoy the moment, and see where the road might take them.

[quincytatas]

heavy vent tw

Tw for mild unreality , emotional abuse , Physical abuse , ED , Alcoholism , self harm , suicidal ideation

idk what else - ask to tag.

I wanted to keep things short but Idk theres just so much thats happening thats so overwhelming to me and I don't know if theres any chance I can just keep taking this shit without having a full fledged mental episode.

I feel overwhelmed by all of my attachments to people so I feel scared and like I just have to hide instead of facing others. I feel like everything is artificial even if its not. Everything just feels so fake from friends to family to coworkers.

I don't want to feel like this I want to genuinely feel the emotional attachment that should be there but its just not. I don't feel sad about anything.

Another thing is how much I really know I need to work the extra hours at my job and I wouldn't mind if I didn't feel so overwhelmed with customer interaction.

I think a majority of my problems lies within my social battery but I hate it because I hate being alone I just wanna be able to sit with someone and just not talk or do anything.

I can't constantly be taking every hit from my family constantly hearing about how my mom shouldn't have had me in the most non malicious way possible. It makes me so much more angry to hear it so casually than with words of anger.

I hate constantly having to be the shoulder for my grandmother because she refuses therapy. But I can admit we're one in the same there. I've refused therapy for so long because I'm scared of it.

Everything is exhausting all I want to do is sleep and drink and smoke. I just want to do things that are bad for me because I know it'll hurt me in the long run.

I've been thinking about hurting myself again. The last time I had a relapse was in January just after new years but I know I really want to do it again. It's such a bad urge in my mind at the moment that I couldn't even make my breakfast without wanting to use the knife on myself.

Another thing, all food tastes disgusting to me again. I know I'm gonna end up relapsing back into my ed once again.

I feel the constant urge to drink until I throw my food up or to force myself to vomit with my fingers. I've been trying so hard not to do that but frankly I don't want to eat at all anyways. I eat because I have to not because I want to. It makes my life feel so out of control. I had this shit under control last year but I don't even know what happened.

It doesn't help that my grandma constantly talks about weight and weight loss and tries to order 100s and 100s of dollars worth of diet supplements she sees on facebook.

I'm literally so tired. Its like life is constantly beating down on me and I just feel like I can never have something nice. I'm constantly berated and pushed to my limits and frankly I don't think I can take much more.

i just find myself more sensitive to things than I want to be and yet at the same time I feel numb to emotions more than usual.

Bonus points is that I'm hallucinating a lot more again recently. Constantly seeing bugs and shadows throughout the day. It doesn't bother much but its still an indicator of how bad my mental health is at this point of time in my life.

I have a lot of problems with my birth mother trying to be in my life and my grandma trying to force me to care about her. She lost me since I was a child because she always found drugs and men are more important than her own child. But now she wants to be in my life and she wants to bring her physically abusive husband in my life when he's choked her and beat her on numerous occasions, recently punching her in the face 5 times.

I don't need that around me. And she refuses to leave him so why should I keep her around. She's ultimately ruined my life time and time and time again. I can't put up with her.

I'm so fucking sick of being constantly gaslit and manipulated and guilt tripped by my family.

I can't take care of everyone.

Yea idk what else to say atm. If it wasn't for this concert i'd probably just attempt again.

[purplesurveys]

1909

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN…

you had your first crush? It was very unserious but I first had feelings of 'crush'ness when I was 11. Grade 5. Then she moved to New Zealand a year after we became friends and never really ever got in touch again after.

you had your first kiss? 16, I think.

you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend? I was 16.

you made your first best friend? I met Angela when we were 7; we sat beside each other in our Grade 1 class. Our favorite story to tell is how we started talking to each other only because I accidentally stabbed her palm with a pencil.

you had your first break-up with a significant other? We broke up when I was 17; within the same month of my grandpa passing and taking the entrance exam for the one university I wanted to pass. Keep it classy...we got back together when I was two months away from turning 18, then broke up again when I was 22.

you started your period (if you’re a girl)? I was an early bird and got my first just weeks after I turned 10.

you got engaged? I've never gotten engaged.

you got married? I've never been married.

you lost your virginity? 18.

you had your first child? No kids.

you first moved out of your house? I haven't done that yet. Ever try being Filipino with Filipino wages living in Filipino costs of living? Moving out will never happen to just anyone here, hahaha.

you graduated high school? I was 17 going on 18.

you started college? 18.

you moved out of your house permanently? See moving out question.

you first cut yourself? I think I may have been around 18. Sad to think about it now. I tend to occasionally stroke my left wrist softly these days because of it...idk, just as a way to remind myself "you turned out okay" I guess.

you first thought about suicide? 10 or 11.

you learned your first swear word? I was 5, hah. My dad was into shooting/crime video games and I still remember one of the cutscenes having the word 'fuck' in it. But because he played the mission repeatedly, I ended up memorizing the entire cutscene and one instance I forgot to shut myself up by the time the 'fuck' line was said. So I said it unconsciously, to his horror.

you started swearing? I was 11. Basically the time I started using the internet.

you had your first date? 16.

you had your first sleepover? 14 or 15, I can hardly remember.

you were first baptized? I was a month and a half old.

you were baptized and it meant something? I've never...experienced that before? Haha.

you made you first huge regret? When I was 11 and experienced getting my back stabbed by a friend for the first time. Then I stupidly took her back in only for her to do the same thing months later, after which I cut her off.

you felt mature? I have two main answers to this because maturity can mean many different things at many different points. The first was when I entered college, so I was 18 – it was my first time in a public school and it was really my first time dealing with life with nobody looking out after you. We were coddled so much in my first school that it gave me both culture shock and a massive weight of freedom.

Second time, I was 22. My first job offer and my breakup happened days apart from each other, so I was rushing to fix all my government documents (it was like 10 total and I had none of them, and I had two days to acquire all of them) while crying and hyperventilating in the fucking car literally the entire time I was driving. I'd usually have that ex go with me to every milestone, so having to be alone for the very first time in six years – and for adulting errands no less – felt very jarring. The silence in the car, not having anyone to share my experiences with, and having to figure out all the overwhelming government processes myself...I know it might seem small to others but considering how introverted I was years ago, it was such a heavy, heavy thing to carry. But also a slap in the face reminder that I needed to start being more mature from that moment on.

you first were in love with someone? 16.

you first experienced love at first sight? Never experienced that.

you first encountered God? 17 was the first and last.

you started going to church? I think my mom started bringing me from the time I was 8 or 9. It's been every Sunday ever since.

you got drunk for the first time? I can't actually remember. Maybe 18? 19 if not that.

you first tried drugs? 24, if I remember correctly. First and last time, too.

you started to think about your appearance? 18.

you first joined Facebook? It was around 2012 so I would have been 14 at the time.

you got a cell phone? 7. I shouldn't have been given one, I know; but everyone my age in school had one so I felt peer pressured. Gross. My parents ultimately gave in and gave me one during my 7th birthday party.

you got your own laptop? 17. The one I had before that was a hand-me-down from my dad.

you got your own digital camera? I never owned a digicam, but my dad got me a DSLR when I was 12 and said I wanted to start dabbling in photography.

you got your own car? I've never bought my own car, but my dad got me one before I started college so 17.

you got your driver’s license? 18. I had to learn before starting college because we didn't have a driver and I wasn't willing to commute or learn how to commute.

you first got pregnant? Never got pregnant.

you felt alive for the first time? 23.