#like idc where you live. i[+]s jus[+] a bad look on you

[beforus-for-real-justice]

Imagine being soooooooo cocky [+]ha[+] when someone gives you hones[+] and genuine advice [+]o no[+] ge[+] in [+]rouble you jus[+] ignore [+]hem. Like I'm sorry [+]ha[+] I'm worried abou[+] you ge[+][+]ing in [+]rouble? Why are you sooooo upse[+] a[+] me.

[grunge-optimistic]

i feel like and i know that this is the only place where i can tell you guys all of my thoughts so uhm right now as i’m typing this it’s 11:58pm, 24/06/19, monday.

i am crying right now... uhm it’s cause i miss my bf . and i’m way too attached to him and i jus love him way too much... and he says he loves me more but, i think right now he now realises that i’m not kidding when i told him that i love him more...

so ever since i was little @least on my birthday- every year or close to my bday i’d be told the story of how i’m a mistake and i hurt my grandma when she was born .:: now the thing is... that i didn’t do that to her obviously - i was being born / but then obviously she gotta tell me like every single year around my bday... and just remind me on how i’m a mistake ... ye.

then another thing, my (used to be) best friend (now jus friend) was in class with me and another friend ... my friend, he was tryna get to know my bf right, so then my friend said “oh i wanna meet him” and then he said “oh you wanna steal him too” and she said “no” in a jokingly way, smiled with teeth heaps, and didn’t look @me whilst smiling or anything ... man i really thought telling her .... wouldn’t be a mistake but i guess... idk she can’t be trusted.

so i told my bf that, he said “i love you, i don’t want her” and he even decided to not talk to her but ... he has :/

and i don’t wanna look jealous .... i don’t wanna be jealous but she’s done this to other guys as well.... and idk i don’t wanna lose him... i can’t.

and then another thing.... cause i’m stupid and vulnerable.... i told him that i’m sad when his gone- and it’s true but... that’s cause i don’t wanna live okay - like i wanna reaaaally kms and all - like anytime i passed out @sunday, i was happy cause i was closer to dying / like i don’t wanna live anymore; it’s tiring okay, i’m tired i really am, i jus wanna overdose ... and i think about overdosing every single day.

see i’d tell him about me wanting to die but, when i said that he got sad and i already make him sad @least once everyday (because we texting // he and i aren’t sad when together tho), so i can’t make him really sad or feel sorry for me even more... it’s honestly degrading when your telling somebody all this and they either feel sorry and don’t do anything or.... they just simply don’t care and it’s like : i eXpEcTeD yOu tO sAy sOmEthiNg... i tHouGht yOu cARed thAt’S wHy i cAMe tO yOu! .... but then you jus type ‘oh okay’ whilst tears rolling down your face- it’s like .... i really thought we were like this from both sides but i guess it’s only from your side like i would care sfm if you were to tell me all of this and i’d make sure you were okay, i’d even stay up with you and make sure i’m asleep knowing that your okay, and i want someone to be like that for me-/ i need that for me, i truely feel like i don’t got anybody and man, that feels like the loneliest place in the world.... the entire of last week at school man, i was seriously tryna keep a smile, it worked everytime i’d talk but i didn’t wanna talk @all,

it’s funny cause my friend asked me & told me “your happy all the time, i’ve never seen you not smiling, see even now, when there’s sharpie all over your hands ... your still smiling even when you may be mad.... how?” and then she asked “are you always happy?” and i said “yeah” ... man when i said that, i didn’t know it’d take so much effort to just say a simple ‘yes’, i felt like if i said something else other than yes, i would’ve been ready to break down, right there and then, i already was breaking down in my mind so i’d jus be doing whatever was going on in my head...

anyways, see uhm, whenever my bf is sad, i stay up, or i keep talking to him, i make sure that his alright at least, or feeling better.... but then when he asks me what i’m feeling ... i’ve realised that he don’t want the dark thoughts i get constantly every single day, he wants the light, thoughts - that his dealt with or something ..., but the truth is that none of my thoughts are like that, if they were they’d be easily solvable and i would be happy... but it’s not.... and you know i think in my head ‘what if i don’t tell him what’s going on, i jus act like everything’s fine, jus not tell him what’s going on, how i’m feeling, cause he wouldn’t be able to tell by text’ but then, when i msg him, i get vulnerable, especially when i’m sad or wanna kms, so it shows through, cause usually i text more than two-ish words by text (depending on the context) but i keep the convo going ya know.... so uhm, when i’m sad i somehow jus end up typing ‘ye’ and then nothing else.... and with annnybody else .... i could be crying my eyes out but i’ll give a response as if nothing’s wrong and i’m jus the good ol’ me.. and i wanna do that for him but sh*t, i get vulnerable and it’s soOo fucking stupid..,. like why even ... i just want a good fucking relationship and my mind is like : be honest about this even tho he’ll probably want distance after this thing (whatever it is) but still say it, like cause whY tHe fUcK nOt?! ....

and you know how stupid it is when i really wanna kms and overdose every single day, no joke... i really do want to, and it’s like ‘well... i want to be happy.... can somebody help me?’ but then i remember that whenever somebody asks you if your fine, they don’t want the whole story or sappy story, they just want you to say ‘yeah, i’m fine’ then they’ll move on with the convo or there day... whilst your there, breaking ... and it’s sad but i can’t tell any of this to him, well i have, and ..., rn his at the snow, no wifi, only data so he turns it off when he don’t need it and on when he does, so..., when i told him about the me not being happy without him and all, and explained it .... hE fuCkiNg tUrNEd hiS dAtA ofF!!! like how fucking .... jus why, and he knows that i’m sad and all, i thought he cared man, i really did, like to the point where i care for him; which is ‘no matter what’ but fUcKiNg hELL tHiS fuCKiNg hUrT(s) like wHy ... and he knows how i don’t got people that care for me, he knows my friends and families don’t care, man if they cared, they wouldn’t be like this... i wouldn’t be like this. fUck, this hurts. so fucking much.

see i want him to be happy, so i refrain from telling him anything... but eventually like the friend stealing bf thing, that happened @thursday but instead i told him @monday cause i didn’t want to make him sad or something .,, but it was on my mind.,,, and fuck, man i thought i could tell him anything, like i can but i know i’d be expecting something salty or jus blunt or ... an idc response .,, like whY ... i tOLd yOu thiS cAuSe i thOugHt yOu’D cArE, i nEeD yOu, aLOtT, fUcK my tHouGhtS aRe fUcKinG kiLLiNg mE- and you know what’s worse.,.. is that i’m there for anyone, even my bf, well, especially for my bf.,,, and, nobody seems to wanna be there for me, they ask, but they don’t wanna know, they just want a generic response .... and when i ask, i really wanna know, can somebody please .... caRE? i need someone .... i really do. fuck, it actually hurts, living i just need to sleep forever or something i can’t .,,,

he told me that i can’t rely on him for being happy and then when i ain’t with him i’m sad, and it’s like dOnT yOu thiNk i fUcKiNg kNoW tHat aLreaDy, for weeks / always i’ve been telling him i’m clingy, just recently i said “i think i’m too attached to you” and i said that irl, but when i did, i felt like.... i could’ve broken down right there and then, i just was trying to hold it in, and i had a voice crack when i said it to him.... but i kept it all in, he said i wasn’t ... i couldn’t say much about it or else i would’ve actually broken down... for real/ like i was about to.... so i lied and tried to make the convo go & said “okay”.... to whatever he said- but man, the reason i rely on him for happiness is cause i don’t wanna fucking live okay, i got nothing to live for and that’s sad i know okay, but school is now fucked up, my friends - i don’t trust, and home well- i feel like i always got to watch my back or else i’d die or something... i should actually do that, then i can die .... but see ... i don’t even make myself happy okay, i disappoint myself, when i look in the mirror... so i don’t fucking wanna live for myself. but i’m scared of dying and i’m tired of living .... j just wanna end it, all of it, but then there’s him and then i wanna be a person that saves lives in the future like if i died rn, who’d save those people? they may die— ...

so every single night i’ve either cried or rarely but happy (very rare), but most nights i’ve cried.

i just... want someone to be there for me, like i’d be there for them... but i don’t got anyone like that.,, not even my own boyfriend/bestfriend.

i wish i could tell him all this at once, tell him what i’m thinking ... tell him why the fuck i’m always sad or why i rely on him for happiness but man, i have kinda told him why, and he judged me for it in a bad or salty way.... if i tell him the whole thing well, uh- jus nah.,,,

also after he turned his (fucking) data off, i said if he wanted distance or not to talk or whatever for a while then ye, cause i’m clingy and way too attached...

well there it is, it’s 12:42am, 25/06/19, tuesday, and i am kind of all talked out, this was very theriputic and thanks tumblr for letting me for ranting and having the only place to say everything for what i’m truly thinking- word for word....

— good bye, 25/06/2019, tuesday 12:45am.

[jesuschristlivedinamotelroom]

A. If you could get away with one murder in your lifetime without any legal, social, or emotional repercussions, would you kill someone? yep! would love to cut a bitch who ruined a good chunk of my life

B. What is your first thought when you receive a message on Tumblr, are you excited for the idea of someone from potentially the other side of the world wanting to talk to you or fearful that someone will criticize you? automatically scared

C. Have you ever looked down on someone because you thought your religious views were superior? a little? i mean honestly i still kind of do. i understand why religion exists and why some people need it/believe it but i still think it’s dumb

D. Would you rather know everything the universe has to offer but in exchange lose all emotions or remain the way you are now? uhhhhh i mean id want the knowledge become rich as fuck do what i need and then kill myself which is what i already plan on doing but it’d be a faster process

E. If you could live and be healthy without sleeping or eating/drinking, which would you cut out of your life? sleeping i guess

F. If you could take on the exact body and form of anyone else on Earth, who would it be? uhhhh someone a lil taller longer legs and more fit. n smaller head.. jus like a better proportioned and sexierme

G. Would you rather burn or freeze to death? mmmm. freeze

H. If it meant it would solve all world hunger, war, disease and bigotry, would you spend the rest of eternity in Hell? sure i don believe it so!

I. Was the first crush in your life something you had or something someone had on you? i had

J. Could you live without having sex ever (again) in exchange for eternal youth? No

K. Have you ever watched a full length pornographic movie? nope

L. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones? idc

M. If you could have the ability to manipulate matter or energy, which would you choose? energy

N. What was the worst nightmare you ever had? tbh i only have stupid dreams

O. Would you rather spend one year with your one true love just to never see them again or the rest of your life with second best? rest of life w second

P. All the sequels/remakes/adaptations/rip-offs in movies nowadays, good or bad?bad

Q. Would you rather be dirt poor and emotionally fulfilled in life or be rich beyond imagination and emotionally dissatisfied for life? rich

R. Do you have any (secret) feelings of bigotry to any group of people? white ppl suc

S. Would you rather be the only person in the world that can read minds or have everyone else in the world be able to read minds except for your own? only person

T. If everyone in the world would automatically only know one language, which language would you choose? english lmao

U. If you were old enough and not in a situation where it would be inappropriate, would you sleep with one of your (past) school teachers/professors?UMMMM HONESTLY? YEA..

V. A world without religion, good, bad, neutral? neutral

W. The men’s rights movement, legitimate cause or laughable, and why? dodnt even know one existed but i guess it depends? like if its the marginalized groups theb not necessarily illegitimate

X. You can eliminate one of your five senses to substantially strengthen the others, which one and would you do it? mmm hearing maybe?

Y. Do looks mean anything to you? Don’t lie, could you fall in love with someone you thought was ugly? they do but not the most important, like i have at least a 2 day period where i find anyone i meet attractive like EVERYONE unless ur a complete fucking ass

Z. Can you understand the mindset and logic used by the opposite spiritual opinion? An atheist understanding the belief in a higher power and vice versa. yes