#like i've talked about this with my grandma and she supports the change as long as it'll work for me and make me happy

[autumnoakes]

i can really just. not tell my mom things?

[deliciousangelfestival]

Love Lesson || Bucky Barnes (One-Shot)

Character : College!Bucky x College!Reader

Words Count: 2,265

Summary: Y/N's academic challenges lead to an unexpected romance, changing her life and future in surprising ways.

Theme: Fluff

Main Masterlist || support: Ko-fi

Thank you to anyone who gave a like, reblog, and left a comment. It motivated me to write more. 

Y/N and her friends were gathered at their favorite campus cafe, sipping on their lattes and chatting about the usual topics. Y/N was known among her friends for her beauty, and it wasn't uncommon for her to receive love confessions from various admirers.

Today was no exception. A fellow student approached her with a bashful smile and a heartfelt confession of admiration.

The admirer said, "Y/N, you're so amazing. I've had feelings for you for a long time. Will you be my girlfriend?"

Y/N, known for her kind and polite nature, smiled and thanked the admirer for their confession before asking a rather unconventional question, "What's your grade score in this semester's exams?"

Taken aback by the unexpected question, the admirer stammered, "Well, I'm not really into academics, but I'm great at other things."

Y/N's smile remained, but her response was clear, "I appreciate your feelings, but I'm looking for someone who's serious about their studies. I've had my share of handsome bad boys, and now I want someone smart and dedicated."

Her friends, who had witnessed this scene many times before, chuckled at Y/N's criteria for a potential partner. Y/N had outgrown the allure of handsome troublemakers and was seeking a different kind of connection, one that revolved around intelligence and academic ambition.

They couldn't help but playfully tease Y/N about the idea of her being with Bucky the famous campus nerd.

Emily: "Hey, Y/N, have you seen Bucky Barnes? He's like the campus nerd. Imagine dating him!"

Y/N, not thrilled with the idea, shrugged off the suggestion, "Come on, Bucky's way too quiet for me. I prefer someone more outgoing."

Steve and Sam, friends of Bucky, overheard the teasing from Y/N's friends about the possibility of Y/N being with Bucky. They couldn't resist sharing the humorous comments with Bucky.

Steve, with a grin: "Hey, Bucky, you won't believe what we heard. Y/N's friends were joking about her dating you, the campus nerd."

Bucky, who had always been reserved, smiled at the jesting comments. He didn't take them too seriously but was curious about this Y/N whom he had only heard of in passing.

Bucky Barnes was well-known on campus, primarily for his remarkable intellect and dedication to his studies. He was often referred to as the "campus nerd" by his peers, particularly in his computer science class.

Despite his nerdy reputation, Bucky was a kind and genuine individual. Whenever his classmates ask for help, Bucky will help them.

**********

Y/N was in her dorm room, trying to enjoy a rare moment of relaxation when her phone rang. She saw her grandmother's name on the caller ID and answered with trepidation.

Y/N: "Hello, Grandma."

Mrs. Johnson, her voice dripping with frustration, responded, "Y/N, I just saw your latest report card, and I am absolutely furious! Your grades are abysmal, and I won't stand for this any longer!"

Y/N, attempting to lighten the mood, quipped, "Well, Grandma, at least I'm not the one making the family fortune disappear in the stock market, right?"

Mrs. Johnson, not one to back down, retorted, "Touché, my dear. But we're talking about your future here! If your grade getting worse I will cut your allowance!"

Y/N, now feeling the pressure, replied, "I understand, Grandma. I'll make studying my top priority from now on, and I promise not to invest in any more 'get-rich-quick' schemes."

The call from her angry grandmother served as a wake-up call for Y/N. Y/N's grandmother, the famous CEO, had always been a beacon of intelligence and success.

Johnson Corporation is a well-established and highly successful conglomerate that operates in various sectors, including technology, finance, and real estate. Under the leadership of Mrs. Johnson, the company has grown to become a major player in the global business landscape. Known for its innovative solutions and strategic investments, the corporation is renowned for its commitment to excellence and its dedication to pushing the boundaries of industry standards. It stands as a testament to the Johnson family's legacy of business acumen and leadership.

However, it seemed that this remarkable intelligence had skipped a generation or two. Y/N's father had chosen a carefree lifestyle of constant travel with her mother, making every day feel like a honeymoon. They prioritized adventure and leisure over academia.

On the other hand, Y/N, despite her family's legacy, found herself grappling with math and her academic performance. Her struggles with the subject only added to her frustration, as she tried to live up to her grandmother's expectations and overcome the academic challenges she faced.

Mrs. Johnson hopes that Y/N will embrace her family's legacy and take on the responsibility of continuing the hard work and success that she has built. She desires to see a positive change in Y/N to ensure the family's bloodline carries on the business legacy.

As Y/N pondered how to resolve her academic issues, she found herself in a conversation with her lecturer one day. Little did she know that this conversation would introduce her to someone who would change her life.

Lecturer: "Y/N, I've noticed you're struggling with your grades. I'd like to introduce you to someone who might be able to help. This is Bucky Barnes, one of our top students. He's known for his dedication to academics."

Y/N, taken aback by the introduction, looked at Bucky, who was standing there with his kind but studious expression. She couldn't help but feel a spark of curiosity.

Bucky, shifting nervously, managed a small smile and said, "Hi there, I'm Bucky Barnes. I'm not as interesting as my physics textbooks, but I promise I'm helpful with those."

Y/N, charmed by Bucky's humility and humor, couldn't help but chuckle, "Well, Bucky, I'm Y/N, and I promise not to make you as bored as a physics lecture."

Their lighthearted exchange during their first meeting set the stage for their unique connection, blending Y/N's outgoing nature with Bucky's shy, endearing personality.

Y/N and Bucky had started their regular study sessions in the campus library, with books and laptops spread across the table. Y/N, dressed in her stylish, confident manner, was determined to improve her grades, while Bucky, the campus nerd, was there to assist her.

Y/N would occasionally struggle with the material, but Bucky's patient explanations and tutoring skills made it easier for her to grasp complex concepts.

Bucky's friends, Steve and Sam, sat with him in the campus courtyard, discussing his recent interactions with Y/N.

Steve: "So, Bucky, we heard you've been spending a lot of time with Y/N lately. What's going on there?"

Bucky: "Well, I'm tutoring her, you know, helping her with her grades."

Sam, with a teasing grin, chimed in, "Tutoring? Is that what they call it these days?"

Bucky: "No, really, it's just tutoring. She was struggling, and I offered to help."

Steve: "Come on, Bucky, we know you're a brainiac, but hanging out with Y/N? It's hard to believe."

Bucky, feeling a bit defensive, said, "She's actually really cool once you get to know her. We're just friends."

Sam, raising an eyebrow, added, "Friends, huh? Well, if you say so."

Bucky chuckled seeing his friend's reaction. Y/N actually were cool. But he has to admit her understanding of mathematics needs help.

Bucky encourages Y/N to work on an exercise without directly revealing that it's challenging, with the intention of helping her improve her grades and spend more time with her.

Bucky: "Y/N, I've come across an exercise that I think could be really beneficial for your studies. Working on this will help you make great progress."

Y/N, eager to improve her academic performance, took Bucky's suggestion seriously and worked diligently on the exercise.

***********

Y/N and Bucky were sitting in the campus library, their study materials spread out in front of them. The atmosphere was relaxed as they exchanged notes and discussed their coursework. Suddenly, Y/N dropped the bombshell:

Y/N: "Oh, by the way, Bucky, my grandmother wants to meet you."

Bucky's eyes widened in shock, almost dropping his pen.

Bucky: "Wait, what? Your grandmother? You mean, like, your incredibly successful and impressive grandmother wants to meet me?"

Y/N couldn't help but giggle at Bucky's flustered reaction.

Y/N: "Yep, that's exactly it. She's quite impressed with how you've been helping me improve my grades, and she's curious to meet you."

Bucky, still slightly overwhelmed, stammered, "I...I don't know what to say. I mean, that's...that's quite a surprise."

Y/N reassured him with a warm smile, "You don't have to worry, Bucky. Just be yourself.

Bucky felt nervous but excited since he had always regarded Y/N's grandmother as an accomplished and inspiring figure. The prospect of meeting his idol made him understandably nervous.

On the night of the dinner, Bucky arrived at Mrs. Johnson's elegant residence with Y/N, feeling a mix of excitement and anxiety. He knew this was a significant moment and hoped to make a good impression on the successful businesswoman who had also become Y/N's role model.

During a family dinner, Y/N's grandmother, Mrs. Johnson, couldn't help but notice the bond between Y/N and Bucky.

Mrs. Johnson: "You know, Y/N, Bucky here is quite the intelligent young man. It would be nice to have a smart son-in-law, don't you think?"

Y/N turned beet red with embarrassment, stuttering, "Grandma, it's not like that!"

Bucky, who had taken the comment seriously, smiled and said, "Well, Mrs. Johnson, I'll do my best to live up to your expectations."

******

As Y/N and Bucky's friendship blossomed, an unexpected turn of events shook their world. Y/N received news that her grandmother, the successful CEO of Johnson Corporation, had suddenly fallen seriously ill. Mrs. Johnson, aware of her condition, appointed Y/N as the temporary director of the company. This decision was based not only on family ties but also on Y/N's substantial ownership of the company's shares.

Y/N was faced with the daunting responsibility of managing the family business during her grandmother's illness.

Y/N had been thrust into the role of temporary director of her family's company, and the pressure was beginning to weigh on her. She felt overwhelmed and scared by the responsibilities that came with the position.

Y/N, her voice trembling with anxiety, turned to Bucky:

Y/N: "Bucky, I'm really scared. I don't know if I can handle all of this. My grandmother has put so much trust in me, and I don't want to let her down."

Bucky, ever the supportive friend, reached out and gently placed his hand on Y/N's.

Bucky: "Y/N, I know this is a lot to take on, but you're stronger than you realize. You've got an incredible work ethic and a smart mind. You can do this. And I'll be right here beside you, helping you every step of the way."

Y/N looked into Bucky's eyes, finding solace in his words and his unwavering support. His reassurance gave her the confidence to face the challenges ahead.

As Y/N and Bucky navigated the challenges of managing the family business and excelling in their studies, they found themselves drawn closer together. Their shared experiences, their support for each other, and the time they spent working side by side had forged a deep and unbreakable connection.

One evening, as they wrapped up another long day of work, they found themselves sitting in the office, a comfortable silence enveloping them. Y/N was the first to break it, her voice soft and full of emotion.

Y/N: "Bucky, I don't know what I would have done without you. You've been my anchor, my support through all of this. I've come to realize that you mean the world to me."

Bucky, his heart racing, couldn't hold back his feelings any longer. His eyes filled with affection, replied, "Y/N, from the moment we met, my life has been filled with light and joy because of you. You're everything I've ever dreamed of, and I'm deeply in love with you."

Y/N's heart swelled with emotion, and she leaned in to press a soft, romantic kiss to Bucky's lips. Their affectionate gesture gradually deepened, the passion of their newfound love igniting as they kissed passionately and shared their hearts in this intimate moment, cementing their bond even further.

Epilogue:

In a surprising turn of events, it was revealed that Y/N's grandmother, Mrs. Johnson, had not been sick as initially thought. Instead, she had embarked on a long-planned vacation, taking a well-deserved break from her busy life as the CEO of Johnson Corporation.

Mrs. Johnson's phone chimed with an incoming text, and she couldn't help but smile when she read the message:

"Y/N and Bucky have confessed their love for each other."

Mrs. Johnson, with a sly grin, simply muttered to herself: "Well, isn't that a delightful turn of events! My matchmaking skills are impeccable, even from a beach."

-End-

Forever Taglist:

@magnificentsaladllama, @esotericgalaxy, @xcaptain-winterx, @buckysteveloki-me, @cherrybubblebullet, @bagoffeelings, @darkofimagination, @starsofcloud @shamrockqueen, @shinytreefire, @thezombieprostitute

[zombielesbean]

the release of Grey Area was interesting because... well, lemme just lay it out for ya:

literally the morning the game released, my grandma died it wasn't unexpected at all, so it didn't hit me particularly hard, and I am not a person who feels much when anyone dies anyway, but, I was always really close with my grandma, and she always loved and was supportive of my gamedev stuff, so like. you can imagine, that's not the most stable mental platform to be releasing the biggest game project you've ever released on, heh

later the first day of release, our first review rolls in - negative

oof

more reviews are coming in and most are positive, but each negative one - and there were a few - like a knife stabbing me. that's three years of my life out there now! I wasn't prepared for how incredibly vulnerable that would feel - each of my previous game projects had only taken a year or less

on top of this, the bug reports are coming in.. we'd tested this game to hell and back, both ourselves and with outside game testers.. but again. biggest project I've ever made. more stuff got through than I was prepared for

mental health is deteriorating, I'm staying up all night continuing to fix bugs and make small changes to the game

a fairly large streamer plays the game - doesn't like the bosses that much, especially the latter two, admits he was going to send gift copies to random viewers but has now decided he "doesn't want to inflict the game on other people" and doesn't believe the game had playtesters

internal screaming increasing

I'm still working every day and night on this thing, we're getting much more positive feedback than negative but like oh my god is it rough I don't know what to do with all this attention and then we have someone show up in the discord server to essentially debate me about all the choices I made making the game and it gets to where it's just like please leave me alone I'm sorry you didn't like it but other people do and I made it the way I personally wanted because its my project and aaaaaaaaa I'm dying out here

and with all this stress building the thing that did me in was our biggest fan, as in, the most prominent person who was interested in our game, and who had made several useful suggestions about the game I had happily implemented - well, let's just say I fucked up in communication with them and woosh - all that good will out the door

extremely negative review, they don't even talk about the game, they just talk about the miscommunication they had with me

I felt like I was a sitcom character working in a restaurant and I'd tried to please the food critic coming to town and tripped and spilled all the food over them

and that may sound funny but like. it broke me. like. that was it, my stress reached its boiling over point and like. as soon as I saw that review I just. left the house and walked around the neighborhood with my girlfriend. like speedwalking, she could barely keep up with me, and then like. I did not speak or eat or drink for like two entire days. it was. not good

and like at that point I thought the whole thing was ruined and I'd just wasted those three years and I felt like the biggest idiot of all time for fumbling that situation like that

but like. that was the last negative review we ever got, the game has a 9/10 rating as of now and like. that's really really good actually, I have every right to be proud of this project, and I have absolutely loved watching so many people play it and stream it and enjoy it and hearing everyone's thoughts about it

but damn those first few weeks were rough as hell, and I hope it never goes like that again when I release a game, or at least, I will be better prepared, heh

when you put your everything into a project, especially when it's for a long time, the more vulnerable it makes you when you finally release it to the public, I think that's the biggest lesson to learn here for me

[jenniquinn]

Dance with me X Joseph Quinn

A small little imagine I thought of listening to this song.

These last few weeks have been hard on you. You decided to cut ties with your mother, something you should have done years ago. Your boyfriend Joe knew it was hard. You were sat at the table eating dinner you made when he stood up. He puts on your favorite song, thinking out loud by Ed Sheeran. He extends a hand and you grab it.

He pulls you close and you lay your head on his shoulders. You listen as he softly sings along, making you smile. He kisses the top of your head and your eyes close, breathing in this moment. You instantly relax, you always do in his arms. "I know these last few weeks have been hard on you. I hate seeing you so sad" he says and you look up at him. "It's something I should have done when she up and left my family" he nods agreeing and you continuing talking.

"Sometimes I feel like my dad would still be here if she hadn't left. He wouldn't have had to work three jobs to support three kids. Maybe he wouldn't have had the heart attack if he had time to take care of himself. God knows I tried to take some burden off him" you look at him and a hand of his reaches to wipe your tears. "I know you feel guilty about him dying. I know you wish you could have done more but baby you were taking care of your dad, brother and grandma on top of working a full time job there was nothing more you could do" he tells you and he pulls you closer.

"I wish you could have met him, he would have loved you" you mumble into his chest. "I know. I know I would have loved him. He took such care of you" he says and you nod. The song ends and he grabs your face in his hands. "I want you to know how proud of you I am that you finally took care of yourself. What your mum did was terrible. I don't see how someone could up and leave her family for a married man" he shakes his head.

"He is still married after 14 years. You'd think she'd realize he won't leave" you move and it back at the table as he sits next to you "some people never learn sweetheart. You dealt with all that for so long and I know you think she'd learn and actually put her kids first. But darling after the few times I've met her I know she won't change. Maybe she likes living like that" he lays an arm around your shoulder.

You lay your head on his chest "I'm so glad I met you Joe Joe. I honestly don't know what I would have done if you never came into my life" you tell him and he smiles. "I love ya so much. I don't know how I would have survived these past three years without you" you lean up and kiss him. "I love you too, so much" you tell him and you both go back to eating, thankful you two have each other.

This is roughly based on my life. That stuff about the mother and dad happened to me. So yeah.

[actinidiafruit]

When I was typing my last post, I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with my grandma not too long ago and it made me laugh.

We were having a discussion and I was talking about my perspective on how there isn't really a huge difference between male/female brains, and that it's way more of what you're raised with and told. Anyways. I brought up that I have more cis male friends now than I do cis women, and she just did not compute lol. She mentioned my best friend (who is a cis woman), but I was like yeah but uhhhh I have / interact with waay more men. And she was flabbergasted for some reason. I've been interacting like this for years?? And somehow she just doesn't compute?? Even tho I mention them all the time?? Idk, it just amused me.

I think it's ultimately a symptom of her still only seeing my anatomy. Don't get me wrong, she's one of my biggest supporters, but I can tell she doesn't fully get it. I'm endlessly appreciative of her respecting my name and pronouns, but every once in a while we'll have these interactions where I can just tell that she wouldn't say/do that to a cis man. It sucks a bit, but I just remind myself that I can't change how people interpret my anatomy. If you see a large chest, and despite hearing my name, voice, body language, assume I'm female, then that's whatever. People will see what they want to see 🤷‍♂️ not gonna lie, it kinda becomes a skill issue on their part lol. All that matters to me is that the people I interact with respect the way I am, and that's really it. Strangers are a different matter and I don't really have the energy to constantly teach, so I just let them assume. At least until I fully pass as cis 😎

[cherryblossomforest]

I'm finally a bit more regulated and out of that emotional flashback, and whoever was pulling me into them has stood back away from me. I feel a bit more adult.

It's long...

Upon reflection, I know what led to this. I've been talking about my relationship with my dad for weeks at various lengths with different people. Now that everything is up in the air and mixed with trauma anniversaries everything is triggering everything else. Attachment trauma is the worst and my dad holds a lot of that trauma for me.

Today when he came over and before I started absolutely crying my eyes out. I was observing him. He's getting older and this year with the death has aged him so much and I can see his mental struggle. I can see him not as my dad but as a person. I can see the pain seeping through him.

Then the tears came and I lost myself. I get it though and I hear the pain within myself. I hear what these parts have to say and the sheer pain they carry. It's so big and it hurts. It's the feeling of having no one and being so incredibly alone. Of holding myself above water whilst everyone around me gets floaties.

I have no one. I am my own support. I am my own bestfriend. I live alone. I sleep alone. I wake up alone. I am so alone. That is painful. I'm losing a friend after nearly 15 years. That is painful. It makes sense why it feels like everything is crashing down. On top of that, I'm dealing with a disability which makes me not able to do things people my age do. I'm even more alone because of that. So I get it. It's painful, especially for these younger parts.

What I am realising though is that my dad can't help me because he can't help himself. He helps people who need help and I've spent my life wondering why I never got that help. I spent my life trying to figure out what I was doing so wrong. What I'm realising, especially today, is that he helps people to avoid looking at himself. Looking at himself is painful and he cannot cope with it so he turns that to other people. Then you have me. I am the baby of the family, I am autistic and I am damaged.

My dad is the baby of his family, he is autistic and he is damaged. Out of all his children, I am the most like him. I have his humour and mannerisms. All the ways I cope are like him.

He is the first generation of immigrants from the Caribbean. There was no space for him. He is the baby of 6. He watched his dad die at 21. My grandma was all types of hell as a mother being someone raised by slaves. He grew up here through the 60s and after as a black boy. There is so much he had to change about himself to cope. He wasn't allowed to feel. He wasn't allowed to be himself. He was beaten up on the street just for being black. He was beaten at home just because his mother needed to let off steam. He's autistic just now at 60 realising that he is. He fell for my mother who psychologically abused him and blinded him from the horrors she was raining down on people. He married her twice just to try and make things work, wrongly so but I cannot imagine the things he went through. He was with her from like 22 years old. He loved her so much. Watching your wife and mother of your children change in front of you. Turn on you. Abuse you without you knowing because men can't be abused right? He watched all 4 of his children fall so deep into everything he hoped he could avoid. He only had eyes for my mother and he worshipped the ground she walked, only to realise she blinded him. Only to realise the reality of the situation too late. I cannot imagine trusting someone so much only to realise they are evil and not seeing the signs. The guilt. The shame. The trauma. He fell into a deep depression. That's the one thing he admits. He's been in a constant depression since his second divorce. He's struggled since his second divorce with my mother.

So looking at me, like he said today he sees a mini version of himself rather than me. He expects me to get on and cope because he's had to do that his entire life. People haven't extended grace to him. He's had to navigate life alone too until he fell into my mother's hands. He looks at me and it reminds him of who had had to change. He sees how I deal with things and I am a younger version of him but I'm also the parts of himself he hid. The parts that there was no space for. The parts he had to suppress and he cannot cope with it.

Today when I was crying and explaining my pain he was choking up. I could hear him trying to hold himself together to not cry. I could hear his breathing changing. I could hear the struggle in his voice. He can't sit with me because he can't sit with himself. He abandons himself so of course he's going to abandon his mini me.

This doesn't make it okay. This doesn't make it easier. But it helps me extend him grace. It helps me realise that I won't be able to get what I need from him. I need to grieve that. I need to cry about that but I also need to look somewhere else. It's not going to be easy but it's necessary for my own growth and healing.

[singinprincess]

Ooh tell me your thoughts on harry wild. What are your favorite things/dynamics or any thoughts you wanna share

Ohh!! I've been dying to talk about this show! I can't believe I put it off for so long, my love for Jane Seymour is as strong as ever. I LOVE Harry as a character. She just says and does things most of us maybe think/fantasize about doing (i.e. telling people off in the most humiliating way to their face). She is nothing like me but I love her confidence, her intelligence, and her sexiness. And that's another thing!!! It's so rare to have a woman of her age be so open and confident in how sexy she is.

My favourite dynamic is honestly just the main dynamic of Harry and Fergus. It's such an unexpected dynamic! Who would've thought that retired professor and neglected teenager would work so well? I know they go with the grandma/aunt thing, but Harry is basically his mom now, and I'm here for it. And the fact that their first meeting, he mugged her? And now they're family!! I love how much they've changed each other's lives. And I'm a sucker for found family. This show does it so wonderfully.

I'm also loving that Lola is joining them a bit. For Harry to go from being an absent/not great grandma to being fun grandma and supporting Fergus/Lola's relationship.

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

Someone anyone pls. My boyfriend has unfortunately had his phone broken so I haven't been talking with him, and I feel so lonely 😞 Also ALL OF MY FRIENDS LIVES ARE CRUMBLING APART?? My friend just broke up with her boyfriend, because of her mental health, but I suspect that it might be because of the boy she's been flirting with on the side. My other friends sibling is breaking up with their douche of a man, thank goodness. Two OTHER friends, who are literally bestfriend and have been for years, have been fighting eith eachother amd separating from our little group?? Also my dads been talking about death and I find myself looking at baby pictures of me and him with my grandma and great grandma, crying about thinkinf that I'm gonna be the only one alive in that picture some day. It also dawned on me that he's like the only person that I KNOW I'll have until we perish. We were watching mamma mia, and the whole time I kept thinking that I wished my mom loved me like Donna loved her daughter, and mentioned how I'd like to move into a little island or something. I guess my dad saw me holding back tears during the "slipping through my fingers" song, because he told me we could move to Alaska just he and I. (That's his dream place) PLEASE IM SOBBING THINKING ABT THE FACT HES NEVER BEEN.

Anyways, it made me think of my goal in life, and its to someday bring my dad to Alaska with me. Regardless if hes with me, just inside an urn. (I'm being so dead serious, I love my dad even if I went through some shit for most of my childhood. He's like the only person in my life who has stepped up, and made an actual change in his behavior for MY sake. It's admirable, and I've always been my fathers daughter. I'm just more proud to say it now after everything hes been through, and the changes hes gone through for my well being.)

I apologize about the rant, I fear that I've been holding that within me for so long. My friends don't really care about my personal life, and sometimes I'm glad that I keep it that way. ANYWAYS.

I realize that I haven't been in your asks, but I did follow through with that strike. Stayed off my phone unless it was to check about the updates for Palestine, and reposting. Didn't buy groceries, I even stopped going to classes for the time being. I'm sad to know that it's not getting any better, and I'm ashamed to say that my little town has very little businesses that DON'T support Israel. So I can't really avoid buying things from those places :(

Been keeping up with your writing though, for the most part. I'm very sad that it will come to an end, but I'm excited to see the ending. I'm ALSO EXCITED FOR INUMAKI 😻😻😻😻😻

Anyways, gonna go shower because I feel like a dirty corndog that was dropped at a fair. Wish me luck that I don't run out of warmish water, I always seem to do so because my hair is so hard to manage and I have like 10 different products that I have to put in it. (I'm being dramatic, I usually sit and let it do it's thing while I sing the weekend and deftones. 😞)

GOODNIGHT STAY WARM!!!!

Xoxo 👽

don’t wanna be mean but i’m glad ur bf broke his phone 😊 BUT JESUS WHY R ALL UR FRIENDS LIVES SIMULTANEOUSLY IN SHAMBLES ??? LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ???😭😭 that’s crazy… hopefully the two that have been friends for years figure their stuff out…

mamma mia will get u… it always will… (i’ve never seen it) BUT HE SAID U COULD MOVE TO ALASKA JUST U N HIM STOP IM SOBBING OH MY GOD??? that sounds like a very good life goal bae!! i’m sure he’d love that whether he’s actually with u or in an urn like u said!! and i’m super glad you have him and that he stepped out to make a change in himself for u i love that for u bae :( DONT APOLOGIZE FOR THE RANT ITS OKAY I DONT MIND !!

u haven’t but it’s okay!! i know you’ll pop up eventually LMFAO and yay for following through with the strike!! i really hope a lot of other people did as well.

YAY SO GLAD YOUVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH MY WRITING N ARE EXCITED BAE🤞🤞🤞

A DIRTY CORNDOG THAT WAS DROPPED AT A FAIR HELEOEMEME LMFOAOA ENJOY UR SHOWER!! (whats ur favorite the weekend and deftones song…)

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

Hi Jan!! Please read this when you’re ready! And if you have anything to say, I’d be pleased and thankful to see!!

I’m so very sorry to be asking such a random and not so common question… (especially at a time when you’re going through something rough… my condolences to you and your grandma/grandpa, they’re very strong alongside you. For doing their best trying to stay strong possibly with you by their side…) I was just wondering if you have maybe a view or opinion on people adding (I’m not sure if people changing the skin tone of others is bad? Something they don’t need to do? Although I’d never do that myself regardless of the reason…) a race (most likely their fan version of them) to a character that I can perhaps learn from? I'm still quite puzzled about the concept of myself and yeah, I wouldn't necessarily want to do that personally to anyone but I still want to understand if it's wrong to be doing or if it doesn't matter and I should be neutral on it. It seems harmless and supportive (in a way, not just in the DR fandom. Although yeah, I don’t see it a lot as I’ve come across/ seen a user recently (no offense/ Im not trying to be rude or anything!!!) who had their pfp of Ibuki (coincidentally!! My forever love but) but balsian (sprite edit). Now, I’m not at all against it and I thought she still looked very beautiful but, is that okay to be doing is my question? I won’t be doing it still even if it is okay as I’m not interested in doing such personally (I Love characters just the way they are simply put!! So I don’t feel the needed/ want to be doing something like that. And as I’ve seen, some people who do that too them do love them originally as well!) but, I feel out of place with my viewpoint as I don’t even view it necessarily in a bad way…

I’m also so very sorry if you could barely read/ understand my grammar as I don’t have good/ barely decent grammar right now… (I am also going anon for this as I am afraid of being bombarded with ask harassing me, possibly but, you probably might know who I am based on my grammar and damn behavior regardless.)

Hi! I appreciate the consideration, and I absolutely don't mind receiving asks about different fandom related topics right now, as it might even be helpful to take my mind off things sometimes. Of course, this is a long question about a complex topic, so the main reason I have to answer it right now is that otherwise I'll... forget... ... but generally speaking, don't worry about it. If I had to talk about my personal life instead, right now, we'd be there a while OTL

I'm not sure I can give you a satisfying answer, however. I think it's a step in the right direction to ask about it sincerely, and take into consideration other people's appreciations of things you don't relate to. It's important to note, though, that I am Very White, and as such I can't possibly have all, or the best answers. All I can try is to be an ally to the communities impacted by this or that topic by pointing out elements I've been made aware of.

The first thing I'll have to point out is that the awkward phrasing of this question here would be good to rework for your future consideration of the topic:

I was just wondering if you have maybe a view or opinion on people adding a race to a character that I can perhaps learn from?

Though I'm not in the best position to comment on how the word "race" should be used exactly as a non-native English speaker, this strikes me as odd as it implies that people are giving characters a race... because they didn't have one before? I thought from this that maybe your ask would be about Fantasy, but you mentioned Danganronpa, so I think you rather meant "change" or "swap" their races (at least those are the terms I've seen in use).

Unfortunately, this is a little tricky, and I haven't come across a straightforward answer, neither am I in a position to pick one. The characters from Danganronpa, save for a few obvious exceptions (Sonia Nevermind comes to mind) are Japanese. This means that they are not white. For that reason, I have seen Japanese fans mention that they don't appreciate that Japanese characters are being changed by fans in this manner, because they feel as though their ethnicity is being forgotten even by people trying to uplift people of color (poc). This is something with, yet again, a complex answer, as there are indeed fans who conveniently forget the Danganronpa cast isn't white, but there are also fans who do know, respect it, but are choosing to represent the Blasian community with their headcanons. There is also an argument to be made that this is Japanese media, so the majority in this instance is Japanese, and believe it or not, racism also exists in Japan - something I really can't speak on because I have no close experience with any aspect of it.

There are possible other debates to be had about characters with darker skin, who are sometimes read by Western audiences as being black, from ignorance of the fact that there are Japanese (and generally Asian) people who look like this in different regions. But this is again not black and white (ha) as there are very much Blasian communities, who get largely ignored as well - Danganronpa makes very little effort to clarify its characters' origins, so there's not always a reason to confirm either party is right or wrong. (This is of course not mentioning the actual racism exhibited in Danganronpa, which other users can explain much better than I can.) Either way, since you mentioned Ibuki, who has pale skin in canon, this isn't exactly what you were talking about.

tl;dr: like I already said, I'm not in a position to make an accurate judgement. My observations are that it's common, fairly well accepted, and is oftentimes done by reasonable parties. It's important to note that the answer would be completely different if these characters were white in canon; no one is being erased by "raceswapping" in those instances, because white people are privileged and overrepresented. (It goes without saying that the all-too common practice of making a black character white is extremely racist.) Of course, if any of these headcanons/AUs doesn't speak to you, the best thing to do is to scroll past it; regardless of your reason - maybe you see yourself in this character, maybe their design seems accurate to a group they already belong to to you, anything - headcanons, AUs, fanfics and the like are meant to entertain and no one is forced to engage with or enjoy them.

[motorclit]

ANYTIME I bring up to my parents how something in the bible is meant to be one thing and not the other, they spend the whole goddamn time arguing either giving me a non-answer as to why I'm somehow wrong, they talk about OTHER things in the bible, or they trash on Muslims in some way, depending on how Islamophobic they feel that day.

He'll? Actual place, but not in the afterlife. It was a burning garbage dump used sometimes to punish people or used as a threat to punish people.

There are also a couple of quotes talking about how "you have a better chance of putting a camel through the eye of a needle than you do a rich man into the kingdom of heaven" as well as "YOU CANNOT WORSHIP MONEY AND GOD" but greedy cheetoh supporters (especially my dad who dreams of being rich) will ignore that.

Also I think the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing where men should not sleep with men as if they were a woman was actually a mistranslation, and it's men should not sleep with BOYS as they do with women, meaning the bible condemns pedophilia.

The Bible is just so famously mistranslated so many times and so many xtians don't read the damn thing. That book is obsessed with punishment and incest and shit like that. Why do you think I switched to a Pagan path?

Shockingly, my parents don't mind that I'm pagan? I don't get it either. They're open-minded on some of the weirdest shit but never where we need it to count, and I believe this boils down to personal experiences. (Both of my parents have experienced some heavy paranormal shit in their lives.) I think they secretly like the fact that I can banish bad things if need be (like my grandma's ghost since she was not very nice (to say the least) when she was alive and was hostile as a ghost). My parents went to 2 mediums (who seemed legit?) when my brother died back in 2011. Me banishing grandma allowed my brother's spirit to be comfortable visiting because he didn't like her even in the afterlife.

My parents also accept the concept of evolution. Their justification? "God works in mysterious ways." But apparently that doesn't work when it comes to the existence of the LGBTQ+ community? Like I said, they're open-minded about some of the weirdest shit. Aliens are fine but coexistence with Muslims is not? Earth ain't flat and dinosaurs existed, but anybody outside of cishet norms is.. well you know what they accuse them of.

I think the biggest reason they are fine with me being Pagan is because I'm going back to my Serbian roots... so far back thay I'm taking as much of the church aspects out of my practice. And my parents seem to like that because I've been also trying to learn more about dad's side of the family. Once my uncle (dad's brother) gets his moving situation straightened out, he's gonna give me a copy of the family tree from that side of the family.

Then there's a part of me wondering if they think it's only a matter of time before I "come back to jesus" because they've "strayed from the path back in their day too."

I'm older than my mom was when she had me (which is still freaky for me to comprehend) and she "came back to jesus" several years before she was pregnant with me. So I doubt it.

I'm still convinced of the correlations of leaded fuel and its affects of my parents' generation though, and that might be why they are the way they are right now. (This is based on my speculation trying to make sense of why they're so susceptible to right-wing fear-mongering.)

Sorry for the long rant but just.. Holy shit. If I use the Bible to call them out on their shit, somehow they're exempt, and it doesn't make any sense. And the more I demand that they explain, the more hostility I'm met with. AND THIS GOES FOR ANYTHING. INCLUDING IF THE CHEETOH SUDDENLY CHANGES HIS TUNE AND MY PARENTS ACT LIKE HE NEVER SAID THEBOTHER THING BEFORE EVEN WHEN SHOWING THEM A VIDEO. MY PARENTS ARE LITERALLY THE BRAINWASHED MASSES OF GEORGE ORWELL'S 1984.

[gate4043]

Content Warning: Death in childbirth, transphobia

Gone.

"I'm sorry I left you with such a burden. Your life is a miracle, and if you're reading this, it was one I never got to witness. I have so much I want to say to you. So much I want you to know. The thought alone for me is painful. I'm sorry." Olive sat on the bench on the front porch, and their uncle brought them out a cup of tea. A wagtail flew down, poked at the grass growing through the cracks in the bricks, and then flew off again as Olive sipped. "So... yeah," Olive said, "I want to know about my mother."

It was the 40's. I was in Sweden, I was on my way to see a doctor who said he could help me. The laws had only recently been changed, and I'd been on a waiting list for far too long. I had some trouble getting around; I always wanted to go, but I never learned the language. I mean, I tried learning Japanese once, and god damn was the Kanji difficult. But yeah, I went in and they told me they could do it, and I cried, I cried for days I was so happy. Sorry this isn't very informative. I'd hoped to tell you in person, but I was always a rambler anyway so I hope this catches some of that energy.

"We didn't hang out a lot. She was a bit of a shut-in, you know, she was basically teetotal, she never drank, she never smoked, she didn't even like coffee or tea that much. I don't know if there's much to tell." Olive nodded, "She wrote me about that. She said she didn't like the thought of things that altered her mental state. That she needed a bit of control." Olive's uncle laughed, "God, she was too much like mum. That's not a good thing, by the way... Don't talk to your grandma." "She said that too. Though she said it's because she'd be a jerk." "Yeah, that's mum for you."

It was all over the news, the entire planet was outraged. The religious crowd really had it out for me, we'd get protests every day. Calling me a sinner, calling me a crime against god. I wasn't religious. Don't be religious. I mean, you can be if you want, I'm not going to stop you, I support whatever decisions you make, but throughout my life I've seen no reason to believe in a higher power. Well, except maybe you, though, and I'm gonna be totally clear with you here, if you turn out to be some arsehole who goes around spreading hate all the time, I will disown you from the grave. Be better than that. Learn all the angles, don't rush in, figure people out. Then, when you're good and ready, don't make accusations, don't make assumptions, make deductions and keep them to yourself until they matter. Let them change with new information. Don't... I'm rambling again aren't I. The church wanted me dead. Mum wanted me... well, she wanted you dead, she stayed bitter. Don't talk to mum.

Olive put their tea down by their foot. "Do you think she'd like me?" Their uncle sighed. "I think she'd find you annoying. Every time I visit you, you do something that would make her cringe. You love dogs, you love the zoo, you hate cats. You put tomato sauce on everything, you hug people after you paint, you play shrill, loud instruments in the morning, and you like sophisticated dramas she'd never watch." Olive bowed their head, "Oh..." "She'd love you. She'd fucking adore you. She would make you her entire world and then some. I think she proved that when she had you. Trans women don't just give birth, you know. It still rarely happens today."

I think Elon Musk tweeted about me. He was some shithead, you don't have to worry about him -- don't look him up he's gross -- but he was like some famous billionaire transphobic piece of crap. I got so many phone calls from mum being like "you're going to die, I don't want my baby to die, I don't want you to do this"... She deadnamed me in all of them. I'd been on estrogen twenty odd years. I'd known who I was even longer. I don't even know how she got my number. But, yeah. I want you to be happy. I don't want that for you. I can't guarantee it, but I want you in a place where you can grow into yourself. It's gonna take a long time for the world to change. If you end up any flavour of trans, things are gonna be especially difficult. I don't want to put you in danger but I have just by existing. I'm really sorry for that.

Olive gathered the mugs and headed back inside with their uncle. "I feel like every time I read what she wrote, I don't really learn much about her," They said, "Thanks. This has been kind of helpful." Their uncle laughed, "I barely knew anything. We just bonded over cartoons and video games. She'd be proud of you though." "What, because I was non-binary?" "No, idiot, she'd be proud of you for living your life." Olive smiled.

[keulisutine]

TAKING ONE STEP TO LIGHTEN MY LIFE

What is life all about? What is the purpose of our life? Well, the purpose of our lives is to be happy. But me, I don't know what is the purpose of my life, I dont know what my life all about.

When I was a kid, I'm so lonely. I was only child that time, but my parents always give/buy all the things that i want. And yes it makes me happy, but what makes me happy the most? Is having a kuya. Til now, Im hoping having a kuya. The second thing that will makes me happy, is having a sister and yes God gave it to me, my lil sis pinky when i was 9 years old.

Days passed, I can feel that life is not so boring, I came to school and the memorable day for me is that day that our school had a tour. My Lola and Papa guide me there, and Im so happy. Because, no one knows is that i love/want to see different kind of animals. I captured every moment when i see different kind of animals there. But yes, life is not always happy, excitement. But there's a sad it comes to our life.

April 15, 2011 I became 5 years old, Im so happy, because they celebrated my birthday. A lot of ballons and also my friends came. So its time to blow my candle, they sing  first a Happy Birthday. After that when I was about to blow the candle, i cant continue. Because, my father always tells a joke and me is so easily to laugh, so i took way too long to blow the candle. The balloons was accidentally burned and it pop right on my face when i was about to blow my candle. My face was burnt and they sent me to the hospital. That was the saddest part of my Birthday. When i already discharged, my lola want me to continue my life at province so i went ny grandma and i continue my school there only Kinder and Grade 1. 2 years has already passed my mama came back here in philippines, so my mama get me and sent me to city. Because, I already heal my trauma, that was so traumatizing.

My life in city became new to me, and i met a lot of friends and become happy. My childhood memories is so memorable to me, and i hope that i can go back the days when i dont know what is problem. Now that i already a teenager, life sucks. A lot of pain, struggles, problem that i've encounter so many time in my life. Specially that im the eldest in the family, its my obligation to do all things. I'm really thankful that i met a friend like Hannah and Sweety, they are my supporter. We became friends when we we're in 7th grade. We make a lot of memories up until now that we we're on 12th grade. Our friendship never change. They are the one that i can talk/share all my problems. I love them so much. The both of you, if you read this, I know that the word "THANK YOU" is not enough for me to say, but god knows how I thankful i am that i met you both.

Until I met a special guy for me, when i was in 8th grade, but suddenly he is to focus on study that time. Until he knows me, we became friend first and years after he court me and we officially in relationship up until now. He's so kind and genious, also an ideal guy for me. A lot of good things i can say about him, and im so happy that the days come my family and hes family knows our relationship, and it not heavy in heart anymore that i cant hide it na about our relationship with my family. We've been encountered a lot of challenges in life, but we solve it by our trust and love of each other. We help each other to over come it. We have a lot of dreams that someday will fulfill it together in god's will.

Year 2022,  im scared. Because, my lola was sick and a lot of what ifs in my mind. That was the most scariest in my life. Because, when i graduate in college i want that my lola is still there, i have a lot of future/dreams for my lola, we have a lot of dreams of lola seria. I want to gave it back or i want to pay back my lola for her sacrifices to me when i was a kid, she is the one who cared to me. But suddenly, last year on January 2023 my lola passed away it was so heartbreaking for me that day, it was so painful knowing i dont have a lola that i cant see my lola anymore. Until now, i cant imagine that my lola already passed. I cant move on, i missed my lola so much, but i know my lola now is already in good hand. I know that she still by my side even though i cant see her.

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, challenges and triumphs. It is a complex tapestry of experiences that shape us into who we are. In this essay, we will explore two essential aspects of life: dealing with challenges and setting goals that give purpose to our existence.Life is a fascinating journey that presents us with countless opportunities and challenges. It is a delicate balance between joy and sorrow, success and failure, love and heartbreak. Each day brings new experiences and lessons, shaping us into the individuals we are meant to become. Life is unpredictable, filled with twists and turns that test our resilience and character. It is a tapestry of relationships, accomplishments, and personal growth. We must cherish every moment and embrace the beauty of it, for it is the sum of these moments that define our existence. Life is a precious gift, and it is up to us to make the most of it. Life was so challenging, a lot of unforgettable moments we ever faced. The words that we should always put on mind is "DON'T GIVE UP" still step every step of our life, this is not the finish line of our life. We have a lot to experience, to faced in the future. Today, is the beginning of our Journey. We have a lot of beautiful things to be Encountered and Experience.

[airiat]

How was your job traumatizing you?

i was a mental health technician at an inpatient psych hospital for over a year, working with kids aged 12-17. it was a last resort kind of place in that they would take all the people with such severe behavioral issues that the other hospitals would refuse to admit them, chiefly manifesting in aggression. additionally, it was a hospital that takes kids under the care of dcfs, so there would be some who came from horrific backgrounds with a tremendous amount of trauma.

as a mht, i was responsible for meeting their basic needs, managing the milieu, and providing therapeutic programming for damn near 8 hours straight. nobody was with these kids for more time than the mhts were, yet we were the lowest on the totem pole. but i won't even talk about the shitty politics of that hospital.

if you're reading this and you've been in a hospital like this, and your experience still hurts you, i probably would stop reading here.

my own trauma was just simply spending a year around kids who mostly wanted nothing more than to be dead. i have had my own mental health issues, especially as a teenager, and i know that if i did not have as supportive of a family as i did, my outcome would have been just the same. it was knowing that, seeing them, knowing that all they probably needed was a family, and being able to do nothing much for them. it wears on you.

i've had some really good moments there. there are few other places where someone is going to be so boundlessly happy to see you walk through the door, who is going to tell you that you're their favorite person. nor are there many places where you can work and see directly what good your efforts are doing. i can sit there and tell a kid that yes you have been hurt in the past and people are cruel and dangerous sometimes but i will never, ever hurt you and i can be proof that you are deserving of kindness. i was a really, really good staff. i was. never, in my whole year, did i ever stop giving everything i had to those kids. but a year, in this job, is a very, very long time.

i've had some unfathomably difficult moments there. i was never the brunt of aggression, no. i mean, i was screamed at, sure. "you're a bitch", "you make me want to kill myself" (because i wouldn't let her into her room), "fuck you, stupid cunt." okay. whatever.

it's this:

i'm sitting on the floor of a hallway with this girl. she's been here five months because she is such a danger to herself that she can't go anywhere else. no one or nowhere will take her. she grabs plastic utensils and breaks them into pieces to hide in her bra to self-harm with later. we're sitting here. she's got a sliver of a spoon, and she's scraping at her arm, adding to skin that's more scabs and scars than untouched. she's sobbing because she has no home to go back to when she can finally leave. her mom died of an overdose, her dad's gone, her grandma is abusive. took a knife and cut her arms because "oh, so you wanna cut yourself now? here, i'll do it for you"

i can't make her stop hurting herself. she's not herself when she's like this. she's a cracked shell. if i try to get in her way, she'll hurt me, too. i'm sitting here with her. i'm trying to tell her that all we have to do is get through this moment. it won't last forever. i've had my hand on her shoulder for so long that i can't feel either thing anymore. there's a puddle of blood underneath her arm. with another scrape of the broken spoon, a chunk of skin falls into it. "i just want to go home." she's repeating it over and over. i'm sobbing too. i'll hear her pain for years and years. maybe i'll never stop hearing it.

anyway, i don't even really want to be a therapist anymore. it seems like it'd be futile. i'm tired. working this job has changed me irrevocably. but at least i'm really fucking good at public speaking now

thanks for allowing me a reason to type this all out

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 78

I totally missed day 69. Also, there are now more days between the day I dropped out of university and today than there are between today and the release of Heartstopper season 2 (76 days) and I think that's cool, insane, and insanely cool.

I'm at my grandma's right now. It doesn't feel like life is quiet nor peaceful. I still get some paranoia at night, I still feel anxious about the future, I still feel annoyed at my mom for not taking care of herself. But I do feel loved, so at least I have that.

The way I write on here is quite inspiring for a potential future book. The thing is, I need to start writing a first book before I get there. I have ideas. I have a whole main character planned out, some specific scenes planned out, but the main plot is still sort of blurry so I can't really start writing anything until I have figured that out and the second main character. Maybe I should look writing prompts online and reappropriate them? I wish I could ask Alice for tips on how she did it. Does it. Anyway.

My grandparents on my mother's side are apparently worried about what I'll do with my future. They actually have no idea I lost all will to ever go back to university/school, and it's so taboo for them they refuse to ask me. They'd rather ask my mom, or my grandma on my dad's side, probably because they're too afraid of hearing the truth. The truth, ah the truth, the disappointing truth that, just like all of my other cousins, I will never pursue long studies and have some big diploma they can brag about to the rest of the family, to their neighbors, to their friends. I think they'd rather hear me say I hate my life for the next three to five years but get a shiny piece of paper, than hear me say I am at peace and happy with my life even if that means never pursuing big studies.

I told all that to my therapist a while ago and she said my grandparents probably wouldn't be disappointed, just sad, but considering how they rejected and insultee my mom when she dropped out of university, I think I am allowed to doubt they would take the news well.

Talking about my therapist, I haven't gone in probably a month now and my therapist was kind enough to text me to ask how I was. I quickly explained the whole business of me stopping all my medication because I didn't trust the psychiatrist I saw (I'd told her a bit about it in person too) and she said she understood but I probably should still have some psychological support, even without any medication. I think it's worthless going to therapy without medication in my case, just as it is at least partly worthless to take medication without going to therapy but... I don't know.

I'm still definitely psychologically unstable, but most days I manage quite okay. Recently I was finally able to book my flight tickets to go to the US this summer, which had been stressing me out non stop because it was always in the back of my mind but knowing I was going to have to spend so much money when I have no income was kind of scary. But I did it!! And now I can look forward to something fun this summer. New, exciting, kind of scary, but mostly fun I think. I want to quote "Nick and Charlie" right now:

"We were both fucking terrified and the whole thing was kind of terrible because we were fucking terrified. But it was good too, so good, because we were a mess of emotions, and we were scared and excited, and everything felt new. So, this sort of feels like that."

I think this quote actually reflects my entire life quite well right now. There's good in making such a big change but it's all so new and I have no idea where it's going, which is just as exciting as it is daunting.

Lately, I've been feeling really lonely. I've kept saying that my life was in Paris, but I'm not so sure anymore. I used to have a whole friend group in uni that I would see often. But recently, I've been a lot less close to my "uni best friend", and since they're often the one organizing stuff and they stopped inviting me to the stuff they all do together, I've been more and more isolated. It started when one night I was opening up about how I was feeling miserable and they told me that it probably wasn't that bad considering they'd had depressed friends who ended up in the psych ward or couldn't get out of bed. Except I still have days where I can't get out of bed, except I don't brag about it, obviously. And I still have lots of negative behaviors like not feeding myself properly, like, ever, and also self-harming, terrible sleeping habits... And this "best friend", they knew a lot of that, they knew that barely a couple weeks prior I had been preparing a suicide attempt. And they still told me I didn't have it that bad. And it hurt me so much, and I didn't want to confront them because, fuck, I just don't have the will nor energy for that. So I just started texting them a lot less, caring about them a lot less, checking up on them a lot less. And apparently they didn't really care so they did pretty much the same, and they seized that opportunity to also not include me in the friend group anymore. So basically, the only friend I have left in Paris is my chosen godmother, whom I actually went to Disneyland with recently. Gosh, I love her so much. She cares for me so much.

So yeah, otherwise, I have one friend 350km away in one direction, another one 350km away in the opposite direction, and one friend in Paris. Cool! I'm usually very independant but, I don't know. I still feel lonely. Maybe even lonelier lately because my mom has been so... elsewhere. Not distant, just elsewhere. She's so in her fucking bubble of "I need to work out this many hours a day and massage my face this many hours a day and wear this belt that's supposed to make me sweat to lose weight this many hours a day, and take this many pills a day that are supposed to make me prettier, skinnier, with stronger hair, whiter teeth" and also CONSTANTLY pursuing men that are going to break her heart over and over again. It drives me fucking insane and I am so glad I don't live with her anymore because it would probably drive me so mad I would get violent and never talk to her. Or maybe it's all my fault. Maybe she wouldn't feel the need to run after bastards if I was still at home with her: but for my own good, I cannot. So it's either I am selfish and try to salvage the little in me that's salvageable, or I protect my mother for as long as I can. It's fucking unbearable. Also, the only way I could ever feel completely okay would be either if she got better, or if I just stopped loving her and caring about her. And both sound about as impossible as the other. So, that's that.

Sorry for ending this all abruptly but I feel overwhelmed and I'm done getting shit off my chest today. Time to distract myself.

Buh-bye.

[bohemiansolessentials]

M A R T H A

My maternal grandmother was such an eclectic human and had an unmatched zest for life. She was always up for an adventure and was the most accepting and loving woman I've ever known. She never made me feel less than and she had my back in every situation. She passed away the day before my 15th birthday in 2008 unexpectedly. She woke up to make a pot of coffee for her and my mom, after said she wasn't feeling well so she laid back down and never woke up. You can't ask for a more peaceful passing. She was 81 years old and had lived such a full and colorful life. Of course I wish she would have lived until she was 150 and that I had more time with her but I am very grateful for the full 15 years I had with her. She taught me so much about life, love and the philosophies of the world. Her and my mom taught me the tarot as a kid and now I read professionally. She is infused into all of my readings and is one of my biggest supports from the other side. As the years have passed I have come to accept that the time of her passing was divinely timed. She knew she couldn't be everywhere with all of her kids and that we were all going to be needing her in one way or another. With her on the other side she could be everywhere all at once.

For a long time tarot reminded me of my grandma and I missed her so much that it hurt too much to practice without her. It wasn't until I was getting out of an abusive relationship in 2018 and also going through my kundalini awakening that I started giving myself readings again. In 2020 I started reading cards professionally for others. It is my most preferred medium in providing healing and counseling to others to support them in finding their truth and make plans for the future. Cards are such an amazing reflection of what you already know yourself and sometimes you just need an outside source to confirm what you already know in your heart.

In 2021 I got my Kundalini Reiki Teacher certification. It is a beautiful form of energy healing, however my heart told me I need to get Usui reiki certified and that is happening at the end of this month, I am so thrilled! Learning the chakra system in 2018 changed my life in the best way. It gave me a framework to self regulate. I have undiagnosed ADHD, and diagnosed anxiety/depression and PMDD. I've utilized talk therapy, western pharmaceuticals and holistic approaches separately, combined, you name it I've probably tried it. Essential oils, medicinal mushrooms and prayer have been the most successful therapies for me.

Talk therapy felt like I was just focusing on what was wrong and never fixing the root issue, perhaps it was the therapists I had been assigned to but after four years of just repeating traumatic experiences, I was over it. I truly felt like if just venting about things that pissed me off I was better off just calling up a girlfriend and popping open a bottle of wine, much cheaper too. The various medications I tried helped for a period of time but eventually they all ran their course and my system stopped responding to them in the way they were intended. SSRI's and anxiolytics saved my life at one point and I will always be in support of utilizing them, but from my experience you can't use them forever therapeutically.

If you or a loved one is experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm I urge to call 988, the national suicide hotline. No feeling is ever too small to reach out and get help.

[catullansparrowlet]

I know I've joked about grandma's vision on the labor market of today, but sometimes she *is* the reality check I need. It's usually her who points out that I'm being treated badly (and to her changing jobs because of your coworkers being shitty to you is a sign of weakness) long before I realise it myself, and it's her who points out that stuff I'm willing to disregard in my unending belief in the best of people is actually far outside of the norm and that it sounds like I'm being taken advantage of. (Which ended up being supported by everyone I talked to about it).

So three yays to grandma for being my bs filter. I couldn't do this without her.