#like i'm fine living here genuinely. but i just rly feel like it's time for me to be more independent

[murderballadeer]

realization that it rly is time for me to move out of my parents' house vs observable fact that i cannot afford it right now and even if i could i wouldn't be able to find a roommate

[espresso1patronum]

ok so for the holidays could you do one where Megumi spends the holidays at our house and we have like a big family and like right before he leaves he like kisses us?? 😭😭 (I've been watching cheesy movies recently srry )

HOLIDAYS AS IN CHRISTMAS?? IM RLY CONFUSED LOVE, BUT I'LL DO THAT<33 And it's def NOT CHEESY ITS CUTE OK? DONT WORRY!

Mistletoe?

The holiday season at your house was always lively, with laughter ringing through the halls and the aroma of baked goods filling the air.

This year, your cousin Yuji and you had convinced your boyfriend, Megumi to join the family gathering, despite his usual discomfort in large crowds.

As he stepped through the door, you noticed him standing awkwardly at the edge of the living room, his hoodie pulled tightly around him. You waved him over, offering a reassuring smile.

“Hey, Megumi! Glad you could make it,” you said, trying to help him feel at ease.

“Thanks for having me,” he replied, his voice steady but tinged with uncertainty. You could see him taking in the chaos of your family, bustling about, exchanging stories and laughter.

Throughout the evening, your family tried to engage him, asking questions that made him squirm.

"Is y/n troubling you? You can tell me, dear,” your mom teased, glancing between you and Megumi with a knowing smile. Megumi offered an awkward smile and shook his head, replying softly, “No, it’s all good.”

You playfully nudged your mom, a wave of embarrassment washing over you. “Mom, stop it!”

Yuji animatedly recounted his encounter with a cute dog, Megumi mostly observed, his gaze flickering between the crowd and you.

After dinner, the noise began to settle, and you noticed Megumi retreating to a quieter corner of the house. You joined him, leading him to the kitchen.

“How are you doing?” you asked, leaning against the counter.

“It’s a lot to take in,” he admitted, his shoulders relaxing slightly. “I’m not used to this many people.”

“I get it. Just take it at your own pace. You’re doing fine,” you reassured him, feeling a sense of warmth growing between you.

As the night wore on, the atmosphere shifted. Your parents along with your uncles and aunts and your cousins started to wander outside for the annual bonfire, and you found yourself back in the living room, sharing a moment with Megumi as the festivities began to wind down.

The evening sky deepened, you and Megumi stood under the mistletoe hanging in the doorway, an old holiday tradition your family embraced.

Yuji had snuck out earlier, clearly in on the joke, leaving the two of you standing awkwardly beneath it.

“Guess we’re stuck here,” you said, your heart racing a little.

Megumi looked down, then back at you, the corner of his mouth twitching into a small smile. “It seems so.”

Before you could think about it, he leaned in, closing the distance between you. The kiss was gentle but filled with warmth, an affection that melted away any lingering awkwardness. Time seemed to pause as the world around you faded, leaving just the two of you in that moment.

When you pulled back, breathless, Megumi’s eyes held a mix of surprise and something deeper. “I didn’t expect that,” he said quietly.

“Neither did I,” you admitted, feeling a rush of exhilaration. “But it felt right.”

He smiled, a genuine expression that lit up his features. “I’m glad I came here.”

“Me too,” you replied, the weight of the night settling comfortably between you.

As he stepped back, he gave you a soft, lingering look. “I should probably get going. Gojo will be waiting.”

“Yeah, of course,” you said, a hint of reluctance creeping into your voice.

“Goodbye, then,” he said, his voice low and warm.

“Goodbye,” you echoed, your heart still racing from the kiss.

Just as he turned to leave, he paused and glanced back at you. Without a word, he stepped forward and wrapped you in a tight embrace.

"I'm so happy to have you," he said softly, his voice warm against your ear.

[caatws]

I agree with you about Peter and Mantis. Their siblings reveal honestly felt superfluous. I don't hate it or anything, but it doesn't feel like a plot point with real investment or progression. I think I'm in the minority though where there are few things about vol 3 that feel like they're there just to be there while there are genuine leftover plots from Endgame and Infinity War that got ignored. Even buying Knowhere. I'm not against it and know it's connection to the comics but it doesn't feel like a fully explored addition to the story.

The whole 2018/14 Gamora situation is similar to me. I love Gamora and I'm definitely not unhappy about her being in the vol 3, but I can't help feel her poor character has just been needlessly jerked around. She had her life disrupted in childhood, adulthood and then adulthood again. They kinda dragged her to the future for nothing imo. She didn't get to explore her feelings about being permanently free from Thanos. She never got to form a relationship of her own with the guardians. She was thrown into the deep end when she got to the future and had to sink or swim before having to deal with the guardians in an intense situation where, like someone else said, it mostly seemed to be about Peter. I just feel like she could have been allowed to live out her life in the past and meet the guardians as intended. They could've had 2018 Nebula in the past get a sneak attack on Thanos and take him out and then head back to the future leaving the past happily continuing. I understand that's a little much but I guess mostly I feel like Gamora's entire abuse survivor journey became an easily dismissed casualty in this wider story. They didn't treat anyone else's life in quite this way and I still don't think it was necessary.

Also superficially I'm sad Gamora of all people never got to wear the official guardians uniform.

The way I agree with you on everything here!! Honestly I’d completely forgotten abt the gotg buying knowhere when I first watched vol 3 cuz I’d only watched the holiday special once—back when it came out in like November 😭—so I was like oops hope that wasn’t important to remember all the details of! I think part of why it’s kind of jarring is bc the gotg spent 4 years living on ships and seeming fine so it was kinda like…when did they decide they wanted to “settle down” in a sense and basically run their own society? Like I’m down for it but it would’ve been nice to see more of how/when the gotg realized that was something they wanted to do

Funnily, Peter and Mantis being biological siblings had actually become one of those things I sort of forgot wasn’t canon until it actually came up in canon to be made canon, bc it was suuuuch a popular headcanon since vol 2 😭😭😭 And I think that also makes the lack of development for Peter and Mantis’ sibling relationship almost more apparent, bc since it became so common in fanworks, a lot of us had ideas of what it could look like if it were canon, only for canon to just…not rly do anything with it at all. Not that I think canon needed to use our specific ideas or headcanons blah blah blah but just doing literally anything with them being siblings would’ve added more to their characters and their relationship!

You’re so 100% right on everything you said regarding Gamora too—also I am with you in the superficial camp bc I also have been VERY SAD we didn’t get Gamora in a guardians uniform 😭 like I think abt it every time I see that group pic of everyone 😭 like we even got the raccoon in the damn thing but we couldn’t get our literal founder in one???

[trombone-ram]

gonna ramble about boytoy on here bc i rly wanna keep talking abt him but i dont wanna annoy my friends lmao ik they love me n are happy ive got someone im into but im on my obsessive bullshit againnnn kms lmao

2nd date was a rly nice time!!! and like its been a fucking minute since ive been physically intimate with anyone let alone like emotional intimacy and to be fair and not insane, we've still got a lot of getting to know each other but hes been so sweet?? like genuinely so sweet and considerate and i??? was not expecting it honestly, like ive never rly been with a man before and i dont like to make generalizations, i have male friends who are so lovely and compassionate, but tbh most of them are queer, i can think of like one (1) straight male friend that im close to and makes me feel safe lmao. but this guy, i immediately felt comfortable with him and that i could be myself and be weird and corny n shit and he'd be into it lmao and its been rly nice like he held space for me to kind of vent about what ive been going through lately (its been some shit yall) and he was v kind and comforting abt it and???? idk it feels like he wants me to rly open up to him and it feels safe to????

im trying to stay cool and not come on too strong or put too many emotions out there bc i dont wanna scare him and i've done that before with people, ive gotten rly invested in ppl and gotten the rug pulled hard and im honestly scared abt that happening again. like when it happened there was all this physical intimacy and things she said that made me think she wanted more and then she actually didnt and im honestly terrified thats gonna happen with him because i didnt expect it last time, it felt this close last time and then it actually wasnt and it broke my brain. she and i worked it out and we're cool now but it was such a shock and im so scared about getting invested too much too fast and then getting the rug pulled again. like theres been like really connected physical intimacy like he held my hand when we were making out and when we were fucking it was so sweet and i???? i'm so scared to read more into everything im trying to just take him at his word and not get caught up in the physical intimacy but he seems to be really like dedicated to making sure i feel comfortable with him and cared for?? and i do?? and im just scared it doesnt mean as much to him as it means to me because it means a fucking lot like its been so long since i could just relax with a partner and not worry if im doing enough for them or if they need anything or how to maintain their emotional stability like i feel like can just relax around him and its so nice and im just scared that its not as important to him as it is to meeeeee ughhh

he said he likes how easy going i am and that a lot of people around him are high strung and he feels like he can be himself around me too so like i think theres something there but again last time she said a lot of shit that made me feel special and then it turned out i wasnt so??? i really dont know it seems weird to be so like sweet and open and caring if theres nothing substantial behind it?? and he said he wasnt ready for a relationship which i agree with like i dont think im ready either?? but i know i really like him and i could maybe see us making it work it just sucks bc we both live w our parents and he's an hour away in another town so idk how practical it really is???? but i also know i dont wanna see anyone else and i frankly dont want him seeing anyone else, like if we take the non-monagamy route thats fine i can chill w it and there are other people id be open to meeting but honestly if i dont have to i dont want to lmao. i dont think he realizes he could lock me down right now if he wanted to because he popped the 'what do you want from this' question while we were on shrooms lmao and thats not the best time to get coherent answers from me abt things, my brain is mush and making sentences is hard when im on them so i wasnt able to explain myself as well as i wouldve liked but i think i made it clear i rly like him and wanna see where this goes so???? im not gonna pop the exclusivity question until like date 5 or so i think bc im really not trying to rush this even if i want toooooo ughhh

and goddamn that boy can fuck im????? so horny and so horny for himmm its fucking annoyingggg especially since he said he was busy this week :(( like boy idc ill hang at ur place til u get home and rail me chain me up in ur room for all i fucking careeee i feel like im in fucking heat its crazyyy i want him to dom the shit out of me and i wanna be a crazy brat to him and im gonna be such a menaceeeee i wanna make this mans life a living hell is the sexiest way possibleee bc i know I Know if i rile him up he will absolutely destroy me and i want that so badddddd

[dlstmxkakwldrlarchive]

the og nuanced ot4 takes anon here, you know... there are so many sides to this its such a mess

because on one side, i do think that ot4s deserve the right to exist in this fandom peacefully and there is nothing wrong with being an ot4 if you're not being malicious about it (and like the 2017 scandal aside there are so many reasons why you could be one, i went through a period of just dropping kibum for a year bc man has consistently pissed me off with his actions for an extended time myself), because yeah - at the end of the day they're just a bunch of men and they're meant to be bringing some light into your boring life, not upset you. so blocking/hating on accounts solely based on the fact that they don't post about a member is kinda wild to me, some of them are just existing peacefully and dealing with liking the group despite not really being on board with everything it offers, and thats okay. it was a difficult year for us all. and i wanted to say i agree with the take on how the iwol and kwols perceptions are much different on this, as someone who exists on both sides of the fandom i see both angles of the conversation and its definitely a much wider gap than many of us realises

but obviously there is also the dark side of this which is just targeted harassment some of them engage in, and i genuinely don't understand how you can be an ot4 at all if one of the members makes you feel this hateful - like they totally ignore that their bias literally associates himself with the person they despise, how do you live like this??? i genuinely cant get it. like picking at random here but imagine biasing minho and despising jinki, how can you stay in this fandom if the man you love so much enables this horrible person? but at the same time i cant even be mad at them i think they need therapy huh

then there's also, i think twitter enables a culture of harassment and it is not possible to escape it unless you leave the platform, and id advise anyone who is disturbed by the constant drama there to just deactivate. you can get your updates from insta, or anywhere else really. it makes your life so much better, i promise.

also on another note jinki rly should not be opening his own fanmail, i was watching that video and thinking of how high the possibility of really dangerous things being sent to him is with how deranged these girls get, but also i think the hate might end online for a lot of them. idk i just feel like weve never properly processed 2017 as a fandom and it makes me sad

and i keep thinking how certain i am that jinki would get funeral wreaths sent to sm if it were a thing in 2017, and how fucking disgusting itd all feel a few months later.

ill stop the yap train, apologies for the essay /L

idk if this will feel like im watering down your point, but 😭 i feel like this is the same argument we do when we discuss solo stans like im fine with them and i think it's natural that every member has them since they're also soloists but i feel like not everyone deciding on solo stan is really fine with x member still being associated with shinee and shawols and yk all of the implications that come with it just like i feel like ot4 don't. and we're discussing those! and yk in the context of twt too. like, i agree i also think that platform has a unique type of hatred that got maximized recently because of the ceo change, too, and kpop stans are yk pests so it's only natural that we got at this point but its something you only find there tbh.

while i know there are silent ot4, i don't feel like talking about them even if I'm not against ppl distancing from x member bcs bringing them up feels like a shut down the ppl who are like trying to address the harassment and etc that comes from the (other) ot4s. honestly, i feel like ppl blocking eo in shawoltwt is good actually 😭 and i dont see it as something that is shocking or idk

[icharchivist]

ohhhhh my god. ohhhh my god. nocturnality. i think i already jumpscared u abt it so let me dive right in. apologies for the length I may have also gotten a bit Not Normal abt this play to the point I needed a whole day to write this haha... will just go in chronological order (mostly) of how i experienced it bc i think that's the easiest way to represent my thoughts!! first off. the beginning scene where the relatives are talking abt who’s going to take in azuma made me think like ah. wow. he and sakuya… they would mesh. learning that he had an older brother rly took me out tho. that’s tough. i loved that the scene in mankai also opened with him being able to say like… welcome home to people! because it is home, this place. also love how tsumugi like. specifically says that casting tasuku as a co-lead is like… a good support. coming right off of the taichi and tasuku halloween event its so nice bc its like. i feel like a lot of tasukus roles have been abt playing that support and how like, being able to do that is something he treasures? thought it was cute that masumi dropped off the script this time like. when he was like "lol I stole the script from tsuzuru while he wasn’t looking… just kidding. he’s dead as usual so I just wanted to drop it off" i genuinely was like. omg masumi... ur cracking jokes now? good kid. as always the moment one character goes "..." abt smthing (azuma abt the "good night, and sweet dreams" line it always Makes You Think). i was wondering if he was thinking abt his own sleeplessness. or how his like. sleeping profession probably had him say things like that but it was empty. anyways i have more to say on that... around here was where i took a pause to actually. watch nocturnality the play. as you may have already gathered... I enjoyed the play. however!!! for the longest time the ONLY thing i knew abt it was the cover poster. i was convinced both kota and reo were vampires and kota was just like, keeping it secret (you know like a gay metaphor or smthing lol) but ah. that was not the case. I have surveyed my friends though and literally every single one was in agreement abt it being abt homoerotic vampires. one person suggested kota would be a werewolf but thats it.

anyways. nocturnality the play. had to rewind the part where kota was like “you’d be the ultimate wife” and reo's very normal response was “I’ve lived a pretty long life, but I don’t think I’ve ever been someone’s wife before” it rly was like. wow this is so trope-y, like, picking up a stranger from the street who cooks well and you cohabitate before realizing that you are in love etc. also i loved like. theres a lot of subtle things going on here that I feel like don't quite have the time to get expanded upon? like, the vampire hq. theyre fine in daylight. lovely details like how kota's from the countryside and probably a little lonely, how hes moved by reo saying he doesn't have anywhere to go, or the way that it seems to be implied that like the First time kota tells reo he's been having nightmares is because he sees reo covered in blood, which is like. distressing for him and he's worried. very in line with winter's non-confrontation. the subtle distinctions of kota calling reo a friend while others call him a stranger or a freeloader, the way at the end nonomiya is like oh the freeloader finally left and kota is like "he left me behind"... the way that franz says "I'm the same as him" about reo and that kota ISN'T the same as reo... the way their duet song clarifies that like, they ARE the same, though, in like. mirrors of loneliness. the way kota is dueting all those blood-drinking lines in that song still. i think the duet song (which is VERY good) does a greattt job of expanding upon a lot of what the play has to cut for time, and it rly hones in on those like. feelings. the freaking "If I hated you any more than I do, I would have long taken everything from you" line... i'm rambling. yeah i wish we could have seen more of how close kota and reo were in the middle period of him being like. unwell and having nightmares. hence my jumpscare.

back to the event story... it is at this point i have to pause and say i was actually worried about being overhyped about nocturnality. i love everyone in a3 but azuma def faded in the background a bit for me during winters 1st ep...? and I know like, he's one of your favs. i think part of it rly comes down to that like, winter estbalishes two very set dynamics with tsumugi and tasuku and homare and hisoka so azuma is kind of like. the odd one out? and hes got a room of his own, too... I feel like we didn't really get Much of him but that's also part of his character bc he's like, quite guarded. very itaru-ish vibes to me. anyways i say all this because i was like in tears by ch 4 of the event story lmao. there's a not-insignificant chance i was projecting for all of this but i really liked this event story because it wasn't necessarily... obvious? like, the main line of it was pretty clear but there's alllllll these little subtle details, half of which don't get addressed (which makes sense! its in character!) and it made me think abt azuma as a character a lot. this ask is going to be so long omg.

i was so pleasantly surprised when the texting layout popped up. love how tasuku invites him out for a drive like this time and the next time. he just goes with one thing. and i love how its bc like. he heard azuma say he liked the ocean or smthing so hes like. oh well why dont we go there all the time. when azuma asks abt how tasuku must've had a lot of choices post-leaving godza, I thought it was very interesting that he asks "did you come here for tsumugi?" and like... hm. I think its very telling. because azuma's reason, which he deflects in answering at this time, is that he's here because mankai is a place that feels like home and he loves being around the winter troupe. so i think hes instinctively looking for some justification of that feeling, but I think it's also like. i think azuma just wants that kind of thing for himself. someone going out of their way for you. like the way he keeps assuring tasuku that the play will be fine because like of course that's the concern and it's not like it's HIM that could be someone people would concern themselves with, right? ...it made me sad.

I think like, azuma's also so competent at deflecting that sort of yearning from himself, to the point that just looking at him, you wouldn't ever think he's lonely. the game describes azuma as sensual and mysterious, something which he's called often, and I think that description really hits the mark. like azuma carries this ethereal feeling because I think he deliberately acts like a person who could float and live anywhere. you'll never know a thing about him. he could be anyone, because he's not tied to anyone. but i also think he like. desperately wants to be tied down. he doesn't want to run away... he wants to be able to believe that he can capture a sense of belonging. and for sensual like i think azuma is obviously like. very beautiful etc but the i think its a very good choice that out of everyone else in a3, he's kind of the most explicitly touch-starved? what with his whole cuddling/sleeping with others occupations. like it's such a good dynamic. here's someone who is transcendental that wants, probably desperately more than anything, to be tied down by a home and held. i think he's also old enough that he's like, aware of it. this is verging on projection but like it’s really so hard because fundamentally it’s embarrassing! it’s embarrassing to want and desire so openly, to be around other people, especially when you're old enough to be so aware that people are not forever...

ah unrelated but i thought it was very interesting that homare's response to whether he liked acting was like. oh well liking is not really what i care about--it feels meaningful to me! such an in-character outlook, i felt. this was also very itaru-ish of azuma to do, I felt--feeling guilty that his reason for acting wasnt enough. i want so badly for act 2 to come along just so he gets a roommate honestly. like idk. azuma gets to go to practice every day and like see the way tasuku and tsumugi seem to know each other inside and out and see the weird marshmallow deals homare and hisoka have going on and its not that hes Alone or that winter as a whole is Not Close but i do wonder sometimes if hes like oh. i wish i had... more. but winter isn't really blunt about that kind of thing.

the scene where azuma says I’m home at his apartment but no one responds... the way it mirrors the beginning of the event. the way he explcitly was like i should visit my apartment again to get in touch with being as desperately lonely as reo is. the way he is so self-aware of his loneliness but unable to confront it... like it makes me sad. i liked how this event made a not eof how much more direct summer is in comparison lol... theyre really different! the way tasuku invites him out for a drive again and azumas like oh im not around. where i am is a secret. like what a neat way of being like... playful and not revealing anything about yourself bc vulnerability is so terrifying. but the way tasuku comes to the train station to walk with him and says welcome back to him. or the way tsumugi asks if it's difficult acting with tasuku and azuma says I'm sure he's havng a harder time acting with me. he should be frustrated with my acting. like he's too graceful to wallow but I think azuma definitely gives off this vibe of like. oh i have to be Good. i have to nice and pleasant. to make up for the fact that it's me beneath all of this. like when he sees hisoka in his room and says he doesnt have any marshmallows here but hisoka is here for HIM and gives him marshmallows. sighs and says they are a value pack. arisu is a cheapskate. azuma is continually reminded and perhaps tortured by the soft and subtle ways winter loves each other because i don't think he can see himself as Part Of It yet...

to the nicer stuff lol i love the “where are you now?” / “that’s a secret” exchange is basiacally the same as last time only this time tasuku is at his door. i adoreeee how tasukus script notes are abt what “would help azuma out the most” bc. god. thats so good. yeah. i have to bet thats why tsumugi asked azuma if it was hard--i think tasukus very concious nowadays of like, what is the best way to Match with others. oh and FINALLY when azumas like I told you I’d do a good job for the performance and tasuku says “that’s not what I was worried about” yes… yess!!!! “we may be able to pull of the play perfectly fine, but are you fine? it seems like something’s been bothering you.” yes!!!!

also the way azuma's like yes i frow my hair out in the hopes my brother will come back some day its like. AND YOU WANTED TO CUT IT??? AND YOU SAID IT SO CASUALLY??? but ah. thats really azuma. and “since reo welcomes his loneliness, I thought I’d be able to act the part better if I spent time alone again” HE DOESNT WELCOME IT THOUGH!! HE DOESNT LOVE IT!!! i am so glad they r all together now. but yea the way azuma feels like this side of him is weak and miserable even tho it is literally human. the way that even here hes like [laughs] after seeing tasuku try to reach out to me, it doesnt feel as embarrasing anymore like. the way hes still keeping it light. azumas va genuinely recorded the perfect laugh for his character. and i love that the end of this event is just them mostly resolving to be more open with each other. what this event also made me realize is wow.... winter troupe didnt know literally anything abt the tsumugi tasuku debacle OR azumas backstory until now! shows how little they dive into touchy subjects lol... i also totally wrote down sooo many of these dialogue lines bc they're. good. telling. like its so sweet. tasuku just plainly sincerely expressing how he felt, knowing tsumugi had given up on acting and how that felt like a betrayal, and how tsumugis like. well, its fine. since you said you love my acting, it's all fine.

also. “the spring troupe is like a family, the summer troupe like school friends, and the autumn troupe like comrades for the same cause. what does that make us, then?” i have seen this quoted before and thought that the "and winter troupe are married!" was just a fun joke and not the Actual Thing they say basically??? i do love the different configurations of like. relationships that go on in a3 truly. but genuinely i think marriage is actually a great way to describe winter troupe's relationship? like, they're all old enough and had enough various relationships that i feel like. for them its very much like. okay... whatever this is, I'll commit to it, and make it work, and I plan for it to last for a very very very very long time.

anyways I burst out laughing at homares horrible snoring. hisoka how do u live. everyones sleeping sounds r so in character. azuma also seeing that gorgeous lavender sky and realizing how beautiful it looks with like. the rest of the troupe there... it was so good. it makes sense he's never seen it that way, considering he was afraid of waking up to another morning alone. also how he asks tasuku "once I gather the courage to return there, could you come with me? just kidding, of course..." like!! gah. the way he can't yet visit his family's place for fear of being too lonely. the way he asks tasuku becuase he is vulnerable enough to believe in him but also the way he has to couch it in a just kidding. tasuku falling asleep before he can respond, and azuma being at a good enough place where not knowing the answer, just yet, won't terrify him. and he gets to say "good night, and sweet dreams," but unlike reo. he gets to see tasuku when the next day comes, too. he can believe a little harder that he's not an imposition.

now for a little chikage interlude pre-their actual performance. CHIKAGE IM WATCHING YOU. I BET HES WATCHING WINTER. i bet hes whoever sent that "im watching you" message to them!!! i have cottoned on!!! he's been overseas for a long time, he can recognize azuma on sight... i'm still placing my bets on assassin but spy, the more realistic option, is also working. "I’ve really taken a liking to your troupe." and you keep showing up for winter troup stuff in specific.... buying FLOWERS... no clue why they were zinnias bc i dont think thats hisokas or chikages flower but. im 100% sure he knows hisoka. bet pre amnesiac hisoka was like a co-assassin!! and to transition back to the play performance, izumi is like "I’ve always thought this, but he’s really good at acting" abt hisoka and there is me, banging pots and pans together: ITS BECAUSE!!! HES AN ASSASSIN!!!! (more realistically a spy)

nocturnality such a good play tho. the delicate relationship of not daring to overstep despite building smthing so fundamentally important to both of you. the way reo is so like. i cannot demand anything from kota but has been drinking his blood every night… also azuma being like "tasuku said he likes my hair long :)
" yes. but oh my godddd the "...that idiot" adlib TASUKU WHAT A DESTRUCTIVE ADLIB!!! when i first watched the play i was so moved by kota's desperation to stay with reo and when i saw that the ending just had reo gone and kota breaking down from emotion it was... moving, sure, but I wanted kota to retain that desperation. and i feel like this adlib rly brought some determination to the character. the way only someone you are deeply intimte with is someone you can so heart-wrenchingly call an idiot. the way it's an acknowledgment of how kota knows reo is lonely. that it's not just him. the play poster has that one line... "we're the same, you and i. this is our true nature" which is why me and my friends all assumed it would be abt TWO vampires. but it's not, and I think what that phrase means is like. human, vampire, whatever. these are two lonely people who want to love each other. thats what they are mirrors of. each other. they must be the same being in the end. and that's why even though kota has to let this other random vampire save and heal reo he is not going to let him go. or something. how wonderful.

now that I've gone through all the event plays I am gonna have to say that a clockwork heart is my favorite, just for how it mirrors the play and the real events, and the whole mizuno and tsuzuru dynamic is so well done. plus the fact that it gets to re-contextualize romeo and julius (when I got to the scene where mizuno is literally staring at tsuzuru on the balcony something CLICKED for me) is so good. clockwork heart and nocturnality as plays actually have lots of similarities in theming to me, in taht its about a human's bond with soemthing thats human-shaped but seen as unnatural and shouldn't exist. anyways, just a little more 'til act 2.... im excited!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII orghhhh Nocturnality. Nocturnality….. i'm famously Very Normal about Nocturnality so i'm going to try my best to answer this but. wow. so normal. Just reading through your ask once made me crazy emotional so 😭

Under cut because it already got long enough,

You pinpointing right away that Azuma and Sakuya would mesh…. there's actually a link skill (so, like Taichi and Tasuku have about being Godza people) when you put Azuma, Sakuya, and two others people (whom reasons to be here are for act 2 so i'll keep it at that) in the same group, and it's called "Lone Wolves: I've finally found the place where I belong.". Much to think about!!!!! But yeah definitely Azuma and Sakuya have a lot in common, orphan boys who lost their loving parents and then had to basically deal with relatives not wanting them around so they both became as pleasant and unimposing as possible. Except that for any stories where Winter gets to parallel one of the younger people, it's all about how Winter had to carry this coping so deep into adulthood that now it's too hard to move away from it, while the younglings are allowed to grow while this trauma had taken root sure but not already bloomed into a full. waves at what Azuma pulls yaknow. But god the infos about Azuma's brother too it's just. orhghhh Azuma……..

But yeah so he finally found a home there and you're right on so many points down the line about his loneliness and how much he fits him but i'm trying to go through the ask in order else it'll get messy but orhghhh Nocturnality…

AND YEAH FOR TASUKU YEAH!! he's SO GOOD at Support and he's been SO HAPPY about doing support now. And yeah like, right after the event with Taichi it stands out a lot. I'll just bring back too that a bit before the Halloween event there was the Beach event where Juza was cold toward Muku because he didn't know how to address his guilt, and while it was a team effort, Tasuku especially involved himself and insisted on /supporting Juza/ into showing Muku his feelings via play.

So it's been a pattern but what i find really interesting is that he was upfront about it for both Juza and Taichi but when it came to Azuma, he didn't know how to make it clear. And it all roots back to the fact that they had a major fight in the Winter Chapter. Remember that? During the whole "someone is spying on Mankai" situation, after Azuma temporarely left the company and then came back after his mental breakdown and being told Winter accepted him. Where Azuma just pointed out, hey, maybe Tasuku is the one who leaked out secrets without really realizing it because he was talking to an old friend, and Tasuku got so angry he snapped back that since Azuma was a whore (paraphrasing) perhaps HE'S the one who leaked secrets by talking to his clients. And Azuma was REAAAALLY pissed by this whole thing and when he started to get cold to Tasuku Tasuku started to realize oh shit my anger got the better of me and now this is bad. And this whole situation wasn't really solved by them apologizing to each other, in fact it kept escalating with Azuma also threatening to leave the company again because he was "so unreliable with how much he slept around due to his old job", which freaked Tasuku out. And i think it's important there at this point in Tasuku's journey to remember he was so wounded by being left behind by Tsumugi without knowing why, and blaming himself, that when Azuma started to close in and threaten to leave, Tasuku probably took it the really wrong way. This whole situation was solved with Homare's whole arc, but so, Tasuku and Azuma didn't exactly talk this shit out. They basically made a truce without apologizing and they've been pleasant to one another up until then.

But it's clear imo that Tasuku especially wanted to make it up to Azuma, and it's likely just Azuma had his walls PARTICULIARLY high around Tasuku because he felt betrayed for the one time he considered lowering them. So, I think it's fascinating to compare Tasuku's behavior toward Juza and Taichi, kids he decides to guide no matter what, to toward Azuma, because he genuinely wants to be here for Azuma but he feels the wall Azuma is putting between the two of them, and he feels responsible for it even being here because of how badly this one incident went.

This one incident drives me bonkers because it basically sets up why their dynamic is like that during Nocturnality even more so than just Azuma closing in: it's also because they don't know how to approach each other while by all account they're the duo who, up until now, in Winter, got along the least. And it's why Tasuku is trying so hard to take notes on his script without confronting Azuma about it either, and making things easier for him. Of course, he worries and is just bad at showing it, but Tasuku is also so unsure how to confront him again without making a mess. It's similar to how he felt unable to confront Tsumugi and orrghhhhh Tasuku….

Okay back to your ask,

The Masumi's scene was sO CUTE!!! This is what i mean when i say "Masumi is a good character when they let him do things outside of his obsession with Izumi", this whole bit was aDORABLE. And the implication he's looking out for Tsuzuru is just😭

I like your interpretation on the good night and sweet dreams's line reaction. I'll also rise that i've seen "good night and sweet dreams" used a lot also as something to say to people on their last breath as they die. As in, have a good eternal slumber. I think Tsuzuru isn't so innocent in that choice of line for Reo and Kota. Because in a way it's the immortal creature of the night, an undead, who makes this wishes of all the sweetest dreams to the person he's leaving behind, playing on the words we'd use for the departed but here, reversed as the meaning from Reo is "i want you to keep on living no matter what". Which is even MORE ironical because leaving Kota just leaves Kota in grief and orghhhhh Nocturnality………….

ABOUT THE PLAY THEN…. Honestly this is so fair, and the song goes even more into this interpretation with how they both sing together the drinking blood lines. I think it's mostly because, the Poster is set after Kota learns Reo is a vampire and we know Kota immediately jumped into wanting to be there for Reo no matter what and become a vampire himself. Kota was posing like "yeah i'm a vampire too, or at least i'm trying to convince my vampire boyfriend to turn me" and that's really sexy. But i find it so fun all your friends thought the same LDKJFDLKFJ

god. ReoKota. they're so fucking good. whole fist into my mouth. Like who talks like that; Tsuzuru is that how you see the Winter Troupe. You're always right but sTILL. On all the details you mention it's just so much, but, i'll ask you to put on a pin on the vampire HQ and remember it does exist. I have nothing really to add to everything you mention about the play itself it's just. god. this play is just way too good. But yeah i would have loved to see a bit more of them too, and i'm really glad you took upon you the hard duty of showing it as well. God. these two. I'm obsessed.

and helppp the hype 😭 But i TOTALLY agree and understand where you're coming from. Azuma and Hisoka have been my loves since the first Winter Chapter, but mainly in act 1 i focused on Azuma more, so i was terrified when Nocturnality came along too that i was overhyping it. Instead i cried so hard the whole way through i had to take breaks because of headaches. But i think you're on point with how Azuma feels like the odd one out and i do think it's on purpose, like you mention later, it's the touch starved one, the one who's so desperately yearning for love and connection, who still picked to self isolate. Because he saw the two duos that were arising at the time they picked the rooms and he considered well, he's used to loneliness, he can be lonely again, it's not like he can take place in either of these duos. god. But yeah this event does such a good job at expending on Azuma and giving him the proper room to breath. And i think it's like, when you make a character who's so kind that he looks open, but is actually extremely closed in because he's terrified of this intimacy he's yearning for, it's the kind of things you can only really show via slowburn and subtle details, so it makes Azuma so easy to overlook. But it's why i kept insisting on reading the event stories. I can't imagine jumping into act 2 without all of the character work those events worked so hard to develop, and Azuma especially is getting a lot out of it.

And HHHH THE DRIVING DATES. GOD. Remember how in the first winter chapter when Tasuku asks if anyone can drive Azuma is just "i prefer to be in the passenger seat" and Tasuku just rolls his eyes because his whole troupe is useless, and now he's just, hey, stay with me on the passenger seat? And for the ocean, yeah, i think Azuma brings it up when Hisoka asks them to stop at the beach as he's having memories. Tasuku at this point acts so annoyed at everyone and is focusing on Hisoka and i'm SURE Azuma just said something without really thinking anyone was listening to him, let alone Tasuku. So that's a nice continuity thing of how much Tasuku is paying attention to the people around him. (on a sidenote, this was one of the small reasons that got me pissed at the Winter anime adaptation dLKJDFLD The anime already cut Azuma and Hisoka's arc for the most part, and on the beach scene in question, they adapted it so that Tasuku and Tsumugi stay in the car to have a little gay drama on the side to tease their conflict. me, foaming in the mouth: where is Tasuku worrying about Hisoka. Where is Tasuku picking up the details Azuma drops about himself which serves then to build on Nocturnality. What are you DOING ANIME.) Tasuku is def the friend who hears you offhandedly mention liking something and then he rolls his eyes and then the next time you meet he got it for you. God. This guy.

The convo about Tasuku leaving the God Troupe hhhh god. You're totally right about Azuma asking about Tasuku's reasons. It's just. god, Azuma…. I do genuinely think that like, he admires that Tasuku is here for Tsumugi, he admires this type of love, but he would love someone to love him like that, like you said. I think part of him wished to hear "but i'm also here because i love all of the Winter Troupe, you included" or something that shows Azuma is also a priority in other people's lives. Because despite how nice and sweet Azuma can be, how much he's been a support to anyone, he closes himself in and fades in the background so much he doesn't have strong bonds with anyone or so he thinks and god it hurts. fist in mouth Sorry if i cannot be too coherent about Azuma i'm realizing trying to type all of that that i'm still crying thinking about his arc and goddamn, the line between projecting and relating has truly blurred past comprehention to me.

But god everything you say about Azuma. yeah. yeah… yeah. I think also that, Azuma is so touch starved so he turned to cuddling, but this touch starving is such a manifestation of how he's yearning to be close and intimate with people, and he can comprehend this intimacy on a physical level, but on an emotional level he just cannot make himself vulnerable enough for that. So i think in a way it might make his touch starving even worse because it means, he's getting so close to getting it, he's extending others the intimacy he would love to receive, but he puts himself in a situation where he denies it to himself. So his needs are not fulfilled and in a way i think he probably ends up starving even more, no matter how much he cuddles up at work and stuff. But yeah no i totally 100% agree with you and it's embarassing and it's muffled screaming into hands Azuma……………. And on top of the loneliness, yeah, god. I mean, Azuma basically grew up with the idea of, people will leave your life when you least expect it, so better be ready for it to happen. Better not form close attachement else it will hurt once it's gone. And we know his relatives didn't really want to keep him around so it adds to the fact of just feeling like you cannot form any type of attachement. And he carried that into adulthood and now it's just, he convinced himself loneliness was the only thing he could get. And he could banter up with it by the touching and cuddling, but the loneliness remains.

But yeah omg the Homare bit is so good 😭 and this is the second time you're comparing Azuma and Itaru this is amazing. Let them do more things together!! But i do think you're on point with their guilt over how the reason their acting isn't good enough to them.

"i want act 2 to come along just so he gets a roommate honestly"

THIS WAS ME THE ENTIRE TIME HELPPPP. The moment Azuma said that he had panic attacks at night when he slept alone in the first Winter Chapter i was just "oh my god can the Winter rookie come already you can't leave him alone like that" and i've waited ever since, non stop, for this new chara to show up. Now my feelings for when it happens are REDACTED for spoilers reason but holy shit. Holy shit…. But yeah like Azuma stands out even more so, he's already so lonely and while Winter is a big group and stuff, it's true by act one they're mostly divided by two duos and Azuma on the side. I think Nocturnality changes that around quite a bit, as Tasuku goes out of his way to be here for Azuma and all of Winter are making their efforts to be there for him, but yeah, up until this point, Azuma had all the reasons to feel like the odd one out.

god Azuma coming back to his old flat. fist in mouth fist in mouth f- But yeah it sure works to show how much Winter is very undirect with talking about their feelings. I think it's here from the start but it can easily be seen, esp after Summer and Autumn's fights, as a lack of conflict that they're just this indirect and taking their bad emotions upon themselves. I think the Winter events, especially Nocturnality, and especially Azuma, do a good job showing how much this is just as much of a conflict and possibly just as harmful. I think Azuma is, in the end, surprisingly, the one who therefore makes the situation worse for Winter, because he does have a habit of not talking about what is wrong and, before you know, suddenly he disappeared and you don't know how to approach him without being a little blunt. So out of everyone, it's Azuma's way to just try to make as little fuss and disappear that can make everything about the Winter dynamic more difficult. so i think it's also telling that solving at least part of this issue was with Tasuku, since in a way Tasuku is much more blunt and its his outbrusts that caused Winter to have to face each other and their conflict in previous stories. Unstoppable Force VS Unmovable Object.

" I think azuma definitely gives off this vibe of like. oh i have to be Good. i have to nice and pleasant. to make up for the fact that it's me beneath all of this. "

oroghhhh yeah.. yeah!! Once again i was mentioning earlier, but let's remember that when his parents died Azuma was told clearly by his relatives that he would be a burden to them. I don't think they even made clear if he stayed with some relatives (he must have right? i mean he was just a kid) until he could get a place he could live in alone, but therefore, the comparaison with Sakuya is even more stark in that sense of: he probably had to be good and pleasant and take as little space as possible, not cause any problem, handling everything on his own so his presence isn't a burden, doesn't come noticed as much. And i genuinely feel like there's part of it in the way he behaves there as the lead, of, trying so much to disappear behind being as good and as little of a problem as possible, so perhaps he won't burden anyone by the crime of, you know, being alive and existing. God the Hisoka scene tho Hisooo 😭 he worries so much for Azuma it's so cute. Even if yeah he has to bring it up back to Homare but man. man.

YEAH MAN THAT EXCHANGE IS SO GOOD. AT THE DOOR I MEAN. gOd Tasuku coming forth showing he's both a fantastic theater support AND a good friend support. god.

The hair thing drives me insane too bc it's not even the first time he brings it up, he also mentions eventually cutting it in the backstage of his SR for My Master Mesmerized by Mystery. I think Azuma has been kind of… on a line, basically, on that topic. I feel like if he cut his hair, he would have to face right away that there is no one who could come back to him. I think he holds on to that feeling so much. And a part of him would be betraying what his brother loved just to try to move on. I think cutting his hair would be the worst thing for his mental health, and in a way, he toys with the idea of basically destroying himself because, what if it means he can more easily rebuild himself? I also think it adds to the significance of Azuma being the one to chose to have his hair short in MMMBM. Because he's playing a brother who had to kill his sibling in order to set them free. As such, i feel like, since Azuma was the one who could pick the hairstyle he wanted, this was his way to show how he'd basically give up on any foolish thought of his brother being alive, by all account, killing him in the last way possible. That perhaps it could set them both free. but MMMBM does end with the idea still that the death wasn't the solution and that Azuma's chara ruined his own life and his possibility to bond with other people. As such, i think that the idea is that this would not actually be freeing for him to do so and would instead just make things worse.

But yeah back to the scene itself and yeah god. God that whole scene is so much. I really love how the conflict is solved by all of winter coming together too. While Tasuku does the heavy lifting it's all of Winter that has to extend to Azuma that, no, he has a place with them, and they want him with them. And i love that it means they can open up to each other sobs. The Tasuku and Tsumugi scene was especially soft.

""“the spring troupe is like a family, the summer troupe like school friends, and the autumn troupe like comrades for the same cause. what does that make us, then?” i have seen this quoted before and thought that the "and winter troupe are married!" was just a fun joke and not the Actual Thing they say basically??? ""

SURPRISEEEEE "i can hear the wedding bells!" like okay??? me too??? moment that made me go from shipping duos to "actually Fuyupoly rules". I'm feeling insane. But genuinely Homare going on about how they're soulmates designed to meet each other and how Azuma and Tasuku joke about it at the end and how "yeah perhaps he's right" i'm feeling insane i'm feeling insane im- but i do agree that marriage is what fits them most, it's like, this choice they keep on making to try to make it work. In a way it faces even more how much it's a real work to go through with it. guhhhhh them. them. God i love them so much i'm ghnnnn

So funnily, i think it's one of his base Backstage but Hisoka mentions very early on that he doesn't want any gifts like, pillows or plushies or eyebands because he wants to be able to sleep anywhere in any situation whatsoever. And, like the stray cat he is, we've seen that people have Basically Been Ignoring That (if you can look at his R backstage in the Into the Night- where he basically gets his first real plush and suddenly it's all hell breaks loose) and now Hisoka is just, extremely picky about where he sleeps. In his R Nocturnality backstage you find out Hisoka is going more and more extreme in ways to find sleep. So i figure that: Hisoka would have stand with Homare's snoring at first. But probably not anymore. Not now that he sleeps with plushies and pillows and eyebands and everything. Please save him.

but orghhh the next morning and the way he asks for Tasuku to come with him but Tasuku is already asleep. In my mind rentfree everytime. And this is where Tasuku and Azuma's relationship really changed since, like i mentioned, before this event they were still distant toward one another, and now Azuma trusts Tasuku with the most vulnerable side of himself, even if he still brushes it off a bit. Like god. these two.

" and he gets to say "good night, and sweet dreams," but unlike reo. he gets to see tasuku when the next day comes, too. he can believe a little harder that he's not an imposition. "

CRYING IN THE FUCKING CLUB THANK YOU

Okay let's stop with the man that always make me cry. let's go talk about the man that always make me g- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA muffles screams with hand i'm so normal i'm so normal i'm s- god the fact Chikage's presence in this event is him seeing Azuma in the street at night and immediately realizing it's him and going at Itaru, how come a member of your troupe is out there alone? isn't he in the winter troupe? Why isn't the rest of his troupe with him? And Itaru is just huh, okay, weird you picked it up but alright, and that then Chikage asks if he can come see the next play. Like. Mhmmmmmm. MHMMMM. For the records, a3 is always very careful about the use of its flower languages and Chikage's bouquets all had a specific meaning so far. I won't share them because it's likely it'll spoil a little of his deal, but it's worth coming back to it once you get to know him. (More in the sense of the devs made sense of the bouquet, whenever Chikage knows what the flowers means or not are up to interpretation… or at least to pick up once you've read his deal). Obviously i can't say more but we're getting closer in closer to having an answer and, i, for one, am hype. But god. GODD. I'm not saying anything i'm not saying anything i'm not goes back to yell in my hands that's fine i'm good i'm good i'm,

NOCTURNALITY IS SO GOOD and it does so mcuh to parallel Azuma and Tasuku. ALSO AZUMA THAT TASUKU SAID THAT ABOUT HIS HAIR. back to what i was saying, so far he's associating keeping his hair long with staying afloat, giving himself hope his brother might come back, and cutting it would hurt him right? i think this adds a layer even more so, that, by the hair being a promise that his brother might come back, keeping his hair long is also a promise that he will not always be alone, and that he will have people who'd come back to him. and Tasuku in his silly sleepy ramblings, gave him exactly that. I think in that moment it was a healthier way to move forward how Azuma felt about his hair than to cut it to try to move on: this way, indeed, hair is home, in the sense that someone cares about him enough that he cares about what Azuma would do with his hair. Fucking insane event i swear to god. THE "… THAT IDIOT" ADDLIB, TASUKU YOU KING. You're totally right i think this addlib changes everything and i'll have something very important to say about it a bit later, so, let's see you in a bit. and yess yo'ure totally correct about the thematic of the play and how they mirror each other and hjjjdgfhkdghf ReoKota my beloved. I can"t deal with it.

Okay so here, i have TWO things i need you to watch on top of everything. In case you didn't know so far, the SSR Backstage for the Lead Actor of the Play serves as an Epilogue to the play. It depends exactly play by play how it goes: the ones i'm familiar with for act 1 are only the summer ones and Nocturnality, but for instance, Sardine Search involves Kuro and Shiro accidentally finding themselves in the Mankai backyard and meeting Yuki and Kazunari. Sky's Pirate is the whole of summer talking together about what they would wish the sequel to Sky's Pirate would be, all of them adding a bit of their own flair to it.

Nocturnality's. is. SO important. You need to watch it. this is a threat. Here's the link. it's SO important you need to come back to me when you read it.

Also on another side i really want you to read Tasuku's N for this event because it's genuinely so funny. I love him so much. IT's one of my favorite backstage ever

Okay now back to the ask. Clockwork Heart is a fantastic play and event, i totally feel you there. It's one of my fav of this brunch too because it works so well at recontextualizing Tsuzuru and also Citron, and Mizuno is such a good chara to add to this whole bit. Nocturnality remains my personal fav because i'm soooooooooooo normal, but god.

Tbh like, i keep on insisting people read the events before jumping to act 2, and more often than not i've met a bit of…. resistance? kinda? because the events start out a bit slow. And it was for a reason too, since it was to let some times for the new players to catch up on the main story before dumping all sort of heavy things at them. But therefore i'd say that, while they're very good, i think it's possible to not find the first 3 events that captivating: like they explore the chara, sure, but it's not comparable to the feelings of the main story. Once you reach The Stranger though i think the events don't pull any punches anymore and all of them add so much to the way you read those chara. And frankly the whole bunch of the 3rd plays are so important imo, they give so much insight on everything i can't imagine skipping them. But i generally don't manage to argue that with people who tends to get bored after the first two events and jump to Act 2 and then they get confused while i'm just. no. come back.

So i'm genuinely glad you enjoyed the events and how much there is into them. they're so so good. And it's true that the thematic are similar in a sense, and i think it's a bit on purpose but i can't really adventure myself too much in details.

BUT YEAH. thank you for sharing your thoughts as always and thank you so much for making me relive this heartshattering experience. It was a blast <333

Take care and see you around :3c

[horanghoe]

venting. but with ✨memes✨

this is me using Tumblr as a diary. I am ranting. feel free to oogey boogey wiggely woogely your way past another human moaning into the void about arbitrary things, like a ghost inside a forgotten train.

- love your friendly spooky queen, liv

so I kinda fucking hate people

lmaoooo

I figure that's a great way to start a rant piece right?

it's a non-descript annoyance I've been feeling towards the world in general for a while now, and it has no start or predictable endpoint.

I know a lot of people can relate to that statement on a base level

and I also know there are tons of quotes out there about not letting life jade you

but honestly, I'm so tired. and I am so jaded that it's often hard to look over the rim of the aforementioned metaphorical glasses without becoming exhausted via the stretch to not see ✨the shit✨

notes etc:

/ I am not depressed or at harm in any way / I do not intend to harm myself or others / I am happy, healthy, wealthy and well-fed / I am aware of my priviledges (maybe too aware?) / and am simply using my right as a human on the mortal coil to whine for a little bit

okay onto my second point

being neurodivergent is really tiring

like I'm really exhausted

mentally and often physically

like I know I keep saying it & crying wolf

but truly it is exhausting to live this way

I literally cannot express this enough

my diagnosis is coming up on the first of April and while getting a diagnosis in the first place is a privilege;

I am really really really tired of my friends eliminating my anxieties by surrounding the whole thing with often a simple ~

'oh well, it's good that you have an appointment!'

I never said I wasn't happy about it

I never said it wasn't a good thing

I never at one point refused to acknowledge my privilege of actually receiving help

~ I NEVER SAID RECEIVING A DIAGNOSIS WAS A NEGATIVE THING ~

I am simply 20 years of tired self-managing screwed up in a tightly layered rubber band ball and if someone misinterprets my symptoms or behaviour, my whole journey to diagnosis would have been for nought

also, the number of people dismissing my genuine pain with a half-hearted comment of:

omg! I've felt that way too - maybe I have it!

isn't everyone [insert symptom here] at some point?

hasn't everyone [insert symptom here] at some point?

I also procrastinate! omg, I can't sleep too!

that one really gets to me

like, it gets me down a lot

my friend, you have never felt the pain of unstoppable thoughts ripping through you at night like an unidentifiable tsunami washing over a town like a smite from God

I don't know lmao

I just wish people gave more time to others

gonna specifically call out bee and sammy on tumblr at least for being great long standing internet models - who are kind and considerate, aren't immature and appreciate a discussion, not a dismissal

the obvious complimentary disclaimer off the back of that is that nobody else is on a lower level in my eyes via that statement

simply those are the two internet friends I consider mmm

in relation to today's Tumblr diary entry

continuing on from that

I wish I wasn't the way that I am, periodt

I don't mean that in an existential sense like I'm pretty fine in modern standards, I have health and decent morals etc, I just mean it in a very simple sense

I fucking wish I didn't have a brain wired this way? like pls

I rly hate when I overshare. often I'm more uncomfortable than you and have already cringed at what I'm saying before you know what I'm talking about

having ADHD is exhausting

I really am: friendly, outgoing, I think pretty damn funny at times, generally light-hearted, open and easy-going

but the aspects from my ADHD are what upset me, as I start to consider how to deal with them in adulthood

people around me in real life - often old friends or colleagues - have started complimenting 'how less aggressive, assertive and loud' I am

I'm so, so happy that you exist more comfortably around me *sarcasm alert*

but me being quiet shouldn't allow for people to be rude

and from what I see pretty much everywhere, online and in IRL discussions, most neurodivergent people experience the same thing when being diagnosed late or in adulthood, and experience the same kind of grief from it

so the silver lining is that - ✨fuck the silver lining✨

I am allowing myself the space to be annoyed and to be upset

and I refute myself the apology of being loud

I enjoy existing and will continue to do so with love

a whole lot of peace and patience for the ignorant

but also a condition of varied energy patterns

intrusive thoughts, moods and behaviours

and being loud

(I am proud to say I exist)

(even if it means your discomfort of the unconventional is exposed for the world to see via my presence)

ignorance is not bliss and it never will be, imo

~~~~~~~

some Reddit memes for reference and giggles cause life is short, have fun:

(special shout out to my friends who have genuinely taken note of my memory issues - you guys make me not want to Kermit on a daily basis - and also my god-given mother who has to tell me every time I get gas NOT to get the shiny diesel labelled one. I am not a child who doesn't pay attention. I cannot remember instructions. and it is isolating and terrifying sometimes)

okay, last one kids, I know this post has been long ~

saved the best for last hehe <3 aren't I such a tease

peace and love & eat the rich

- love liv 🐸💌

[fktonofwhatnow]

ok hold on. acomaf is my fave book out of the whole series (it's mostly out of emotional value, i read it when i was younger and didn't have a real understanding out trauma and abuse only that i saw a character i loved getting out of a bad situation and getting happy) so obviously i didn't mind feysand being endgame and the development all of the characters had. i can accept tamlin turned out like that is realistic due to his trauma, i can accept feyre had to flee because it wasn't right for her, but the thing is after acofs i see no point to feyre leaving tamlin when rhysand ends up doing everything they told us tamlin was evil and unredeemable for. hiding the risks of her pregnancy, putting on shields on her, having feyre need to compromise over it. i honestly felt so betrayed by that. i'm not saying feyre and tamlin were good for each other, but it doesn't feel worth it to dismiss the potential they had for what we got with feysand.

also, sarah learn to treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge. no they don't need to learn to physically fight to fight it. no they don't need a love interest to overcome it. yes the behaviors acquired from trauma and abuse aren't pretty but that doesn't mean a person is undeserving of kindness and compassion.

i think i had a point somewhere but i can't get to it. so hope you don't mind my rambling. anyway i loved your meta about tamlin i think he deserves better too

HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS SO GOOD OK IM SO EXCITED

Bro you are so fine, I'm the one who doesn't make any sense and I totally get what you're trying to say. (Acomaf was actually my favorite book in the series too ngl)

BUT FUCK YEAH LETS TALK ABOUT RHYSAND.

I don't think it's a secret that Rhysand is one of my least favorite characters in media, probably ever? (How do I even put this into words) He is a bad character and to me, laughably so. You know how if you've ever written a character, there's that little phase that's like "what if people don't like this character' and then you're sad for a little bit? That's how Rhysand feels to me. He feels like SJM looked at this character and thought "I can't stand the thought of people not liking this character because I love him so much" and then did everything in her power to make sure we know how great he is.

Idk if this is just me screaming into the void, but I get to this place with my characters where like, especially if they are a little more morally gray or their decisions have negative impacts, I understand that I don't need the audience to like my main character. they can stand on their own, they can own up to what they do and they can grow from it. Thats what a good character does. That's how you keep your audience rooting for them. You gotta knock them over sometimes.

SJm doesn't knock Rhysand over. She doesn't push him to make mistakes, apologize, own up and move on. Rhysand has never made a decision that ended poorly for him. Everything goes the way he wants it to, because SJm wants us to know how cool and great he is. People who are cool and great don't make bad decisions! SJm doesn't let Rhysand fail, and she doesn't let him suffer his own decisions. Everyone else suffers his decisions, not him.

Rhysand's reputation as a good person hinges entirely on the audience liking him and/or thinking he's hot. And then what happens when the audience thinks neither of those things? Ya get a rly long post like this by a lil enby who is mad all the time. Rhysand loses all credibility when you look at him through a critical lens. Not a single thing the man does makes any goddamn sense. Here I thought acosf would give us a different perspective on Feysand and I was desperately hoping that Nesta would tell us what she really sees in them and how people around them really feel, I hoped that SjM would throw us for a loop and tell us that hey, she does know that Feysand are fucking toxic as hell and ruin the lives of people around them and she wants to show us that from an outside perspective but noooOoOOOoOoOOOO...

Instead we get Nesta hating herself because Rhysand told her that she shouldn't tell Feyre that Feyre could uh die in childbirth. Hey what the fuck.

Now I don't actually ship feylin, I kinda always sorta knew, even without spoilers, that it wasn't going to work out. Tamlin isn't sjm's idea of a good partner because he's not charming and witty and dark and handsome ya know? We met Rhysand and I knew that I was going to fucking hate this romance. Which sucks because I found Rhysand so intriguing in the first book. Ngl all the time spent in the spring court was kinda boring and every time Rhysand showed up to throw dead faeries at Tamlin I was like "oooooo" and I wanted to know more about why Tamlin, this awkward, blunt and kinda shy dude had beef with this super duper sly and shady man from another court.

I don't know if I've ever said this before, but SJm doesn't let her love interests grow. Rhysand doesn't change over the course of the story because he was already a good guy and his motives were for Feyre's sake I swear, the same goes for Rowan in TOG. SJm doesn't give Rhysand room to change. She needs to get to the part where they fuck make sure everyone knows that Rhysand is a good guy and actually he was good all along so that we like him more than Tamlin. It backtracks on everything bad Rhysand has ever done because you know... He had a good reason! It's fine!

I know it's probably just because SJm doesn't actually know how to write a good character growth arc but... Like can you imagine if Rhysand stayed the bad guy? Or at least remained the bad guy through acotar and acomaf? And then when Rhysand comes to take Feyre for his bargain it really was only to spite Tamlin? What about Rhysand, taking Feyre to the night court with him once a week every month for a long time, if only to see Tamlin's eyes grow darker and emptier every time he goes, and then he really starts to fall in love with Feyre. He's been a monster all this time, angry and cold and cruel and then he actually starts to fall in love. And then to get Feyre to stay he really does try to change, he stops antagonizing Feyre, he stops throwing dead faeries at Tamlin, and he stops harassing the Spring court. He starts spending genuine quality time with Feyre, he starts to learn about her and all the things she likes and he stops trying to get her to come with him just so Tamlin will be mad. He starts asking her to come with him because he wants to be around her and he prays that someday she'll want to be around him too. What if SJm let him grow.

But nahhhhhh instead we have a character who always knows the right answer to things, and he always knows how to fix every issue, and he is always so innovative and outside the box except that he isn't. We get a character who does the same shit as Tamlin but it's ok because he had a good reason not to tell Feyre that she could very well die in childbirth. Uhhhh don't know what that is but uhhh I know he has his reasons because all he has are his reasons.

It would be so easy to hold a mirror up to Rhysand and say "look at this. Look who you are. Do you not look just like Tamlin right now?"

But nooooooooOoOOOo Rhysand doesn't get to be wrong. Rhysand doesn't get to look like Tamlin because Tamlin is evil and Rhysand is definitely NOT I SWEAR.

But yeah I think the point I'm trying to make is that Sarah thinks so highly of Rhysand that he could never do wrong. He could never be like Tamlin, despite the narrative literally telling us the exact opposite.

Like you said, we lost the potential of what feylin could have been if SJm didn't suddenly decide that her audience needs to love Rhysand as much as she does. I think feylin could have been slow and sweet and a story of true healing and learning about one another. I think it would have been kind and steady and lots of "are you ok"s and "I'm sorry"s and "talk to me"s. Everything about Feysand feels rushed and hard and fast and the rest of the world doesn't have time to catch up. It's fucking exhausting to read it ya know what I'm saying.

(also can we talk about Rhysand like dying and Feyre finding the suriel and learning he's her mate and then instead of being like "k let's put a pin in that and fuckin save his life first" she like throws him around and everyone is like "wtf woman" and she's like I neeD tO Be alOnE these people have no idea how to prioritize)

Truly, I think it's innocent to a degree. There is absolutely no harm in wanting people to like your character. The harm comes when you destroy another character with no reason or explanation other than you want people to like a different character. Villain arc? Completely out of left field. You gotta build to that shit or like... Make it so that when you look back you slap your forehead and yell at a wall "OF FUCKING COURSE I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT"

anyways, SJm treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge SECONDED.

WELL IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME WEEKS YO WRITE IM HAVING A HARD TIME I know it probably doesn't make any sense I can't find my braincells BUT thanks for the ask @xelly

Tell me all your acotar things I love yo hear them !!

[secretsappyabode]

HOWDY TIFF AHHHHH thank you so much for your sweet words on my Bond x Sunny art I'm so glad it gave off the vibes I was trying to instill✨🧡;-----;

I wanted to come ask, do your s/i go with Stan and the kids for that roadside attractions tour 👀?? Does she give Dipper girl advice 🥺?

Sunny

@tex-treasures

YOURE VERY WELCOME SUNNY!!!!!

OH MAN i didn’t even think abt that episode lmaooo. Honestly….i don’t think she would?? but then again there’s rarely a chance she’s miss out on a road trip so maybe she does? for now let’s just say she doesn’t. cuz if she were there the entire sub plot w stan and dipper would NEVER HAPPEN DJDJJDJSNSJS she hears Stan’s bad advice and immediately steps in like UM NO WAIT HOLD ON.

ok to be fair not ALL of his advice was bad imo, he essentially taught dipper how to have confidence, which is important! but the part that irks me is the whole “nah don’t contact her, now continue talking to other girls as practise” like……stan plz he can’t just take girls numbers willy nilly, thinking they’ll get a call back when they won’t 😭 IDK ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE IVE SEEN THE EPISODE SO I MAY BE MISSING SOME DETAILS

as for advice……i genuinely have no clue other than “just go for it! it’s worth a try! if rejection happens that’s ok, it happens sometimes. don’t let that get u down” honestly tho i am NOT the best w advice cuz….imo stuff like that is a case by case situation. some methods of asking ppl out might work of different occasions and w diff people, so can I rly be one to say that I can give sagely advice? if romance happens, it happens on its own! if it doesn’t, that’s fine too. phhtt I feel like I’m overthinking things here, so yknow what, my s/i is the same, she’d have no fuckin clue what to tell dipper if he ever asked her for advice MSJXJSNJZJS she cld tell stories abt her and the stans! but that’s her ONLY experience w romance and even THEN it’s……..a unique thing of its own

dipper/mabel: hey grauntie tiff how do i ask ppl out

my s/i: (spent years in a mutual pining fic with two twins individually who are also emotionally stunted in someway so there was literally no forwardness from anyone, not to mention that the ONLY WAY she can connect w someone in “that special way” is to essentially traumabond and live life with them to see their best and worst qualities and become so familiar with them they’re literally a part of you now. also she’s asexual)

my s/i:

my s/i: idk i never did it

MDJDJDNSJJS HONESTLY SHED JUST BE EVEN MORE OF AN OVERTHINKING MESS IN THAT EPISODE SO LETS JUST SAY SHE STAYS HOME TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH FORD CUZ ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF THEM and despite the foreboding apocalypse and the bill cipher threat they missed each other so much 🥺 now they can be two old farts enjoying some peace together

[lemongogo]

I tried asking you something but my phone glitched so sorry if it repeats or something but I can't help but notice you always seems so chipper. I know everyone goes through hard times and I shouldn't assume everything is fine all the time but even your negative posts seem positive to some degree. It's admirable but I'm also concerned cause it's hard for me to do that. I wish I could.

so as you prob saw earlier i had this whole extravagant reply written in response but i felt like a short nd sweet answer would suffice

to begin with, thanks for sending it again! i didn’t get it the first time around, so it’s good to know you resent it. and secondly, i appreciate the fact that you seem to think so! i use this blog as, essentially, my escape from the negative junk i have to go through on a daily basis. because i have the ability to mold this area to my liking (from the content i see to the people i interact with), i try my best to make it a positive environment. even if said attitude isn’t always true (i have my moments- if youre weirdly interested in seeing me upset, i have a #negative tag where i spill my thoughts), it always helps to come back to a spot where it seems like it is

for me, it helps a lot to be involved with positive behaviors and content yknow? a few years back, i actually did some terrible things that im not proud of whatsoever, and as a result, that toxic environment had an extremely profound effect on how i lived my life even off of the internet. the constant hatred from myself and others made me increasingly bitter, frustrated, short tempered, and depressed. the reaffirmation of negativity on a daily basis eventually got so bad that i realized i had to change or else things wouldnt get better?? so, having grown and learned from that experience, i find that i work best when i remove the point of stresses from my life when i can- in this case, it just means surrounding myself in an environment that makes me feel good, if not, just better than before. 

this sort of attitude doesnt always need to be genuine, though. for example, i actually broke down at the convention last weekend bc at some points i felt really alienated from my friends nd like a general ‘ol failure thanks to my inability to interact w people on my own. so even though you guys didnt see that part of me, i still went through some pretty rough stuff. but rather than focus on those things that made me feel disgusting && repulsive, i kinda force myself to think abt all the other things that ended up making me happy you know? like .. yeah i had this rly embarrassing break down in front of my friends but at the same time i got to meet an incredible group of people who enjoy vld just as much as i do. so its moreso just consciously shifting your focus. its not an immediate fix to your problems, and it’ll never be a permanent solution, but its a good little trick to distract yourself from the nasty side of things

back to my blog though, i try to find the good side of things if i can out of the hope that i’ll eventually believe what im saying. and to some degree, it has worked. although im still dealing w a lot in my personal life, it’s just helped to take a step back and really evaluate where i am and what i can do to curb potential problems. ik that probably sounds like.. rly neurotypical, but like., even if you can force yourself to take a step back for just a tiny second, you’ll find ways to work through certain issues. 

but its important to understand that its ok to not be okay. there’s no need to compare your progress to that of anothers, because we all think, function, and react in different ways. trust me, its taken a lot of incredibly hard work to get to where i am and its not even close to being over. if you find that you’re having trouble with this or that, ask for help!! im def always here to provide some insight, support, help, etc. etc. bc i know just how valuable it is to know that someone is there to help you walk when you can no longer stand on your own. if you ever have something you’re dealing with, you can most definitely talk to me. i want the best for all of you guys, and i really hope that you can start feelin better soon