#like i’ve been sleeping my life away and nothing i’ve ever found makes it better

[fyodior]

rant lolz

[bratbby333]

i will possess your heart – satoru gojo

-this story contains very heavy nsfw content! please read at your own discretion!-

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 content warnings dead dove fic- heavy stalking, violent obsession, manipulation, forced voyeurism, forced exhibition, drugging, mentions of blood, knives, use of restraints, plot twist, extreme dub-con 𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 synopsis for as cocky as Satoru is, it’s oddly fitting. in his mind, everything belongs to him, including you. 𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 word count 8k

Satoru fumbled with a tripod as he positioned his camera onto the stand and proceeded to hit record. He was thorough, making sure his chair was perfectly centered before he sat down, staring at himself in the viewfinder while he fussed with his hair, inhaling deeply. A wide grin cut across his face before dropping back into lackluster neutrality. He looked down at his lap, his fingers ran up and down his denim-clad thighs. He snapped back onto the camera blank-faced before a deranged smile pulled at his cheeks.

Click

January 16th, 4:06 AM

I woke up drenched in the feeling of lethargy again—another night of only an hour’s worth of sleep. Nothing feels real when you hit a certain point. I’m plagued by the shadows, my entire life enshrouded in darkness. I don’t remember what things were like before. Day by day, it’s all the same. I cannot escape it—this anchoring feeling of despair. The emptiness eats away at me. I’m in search of release…of some sort of freedom from this pain. I need to fill my life with meaning, to find purpose in this accursed world…I think I’ll go out for coffee today. People watching brings me so much joy. They seem to live much happier lives than me.

Click

January 16th, 6:38 PM

My daydreams must’ve blended into reality because there was no way I created someone as beautiful as she was outside my imagination. I’m certain of it. She was sitting at the bar of the cafe down the street from my apartment, dressed in business casual—she probably works nearby. How kismet. The coffee was bland, as were most things in my life, but she awoke something in me. I hope I see her again. She somehow managed to clear the cobwebs around my heart. I think my life has finally found purpose. She is my driving force. I wonder what her name is.

Click

January 19th, 6:11 AM

Feeling well-rested today. Four hours of sleep is my new record. I plan to go to the coffee shop again. Back to the place where my eyes were first blessed with the mirage of her…where I first fell in love. I hope she’s there. People are so fun to observe when they don’t think they’re being watched…it’s simple psychology. The Hawthorne Effect. When humans notice they are under observation, they change. So inauthentic. But her? She never notices. She sits so obliviously, allowing me to take her in with ease. So good to me. She’s a breath of fresh air. I hope to work up the courage to speak to her soon. My heart soars at the mere thought of being in her presence once again. It’s so refreshing to feel something after all this time. I’ve been numb for so long, but she has set my heart on fire. She is everything to me, my sole purpose for existence.

Click

January 19th, 8:27 PM

I saw her again today. She didn’t see me. Just how I like it. She typed away on her computer like normal…she’s a hard worker, it seems. Driven and strong. And here I was thinking such beauty was a thing of legend. It's refreshing to have been proved wrong–that rarely happens. Oh, how I crave her. I know she’d make me feel whole again. She can save me from all this, I can feel it. 

Click

January 23rd, 5:13 AM

Only two hours of sleep tonight. But, for some reason, I feel better than ever… I normally do when I find a reason for living, again. It’s her…it must be because of her. She keeps me going; my muse, my inspiration. She’s worked wonders on me already and she doesn’t even know it, yet. I’m going to the cafe again today, I cannot wait to see her. Maybe today I will finally speak to her.

Click

January 23rd, 9:53 PM

She never showed up today…I wonder what’s going on. Maybe she had other things to do. It’s fine, really. I’m annoyed, honestly. I waited around all day. I’ll keep checking until I see her again. 

Click

January 28th, 7:06 PM

My sweet girl has gone missing. I haven’t seen her in quite some time now. This is just ridiculous. The woman I love…is she avoiding me? No, no that cannot be. 

Click

February 2nd, 8:31 AM

I haven’t slept well in days. I’ve been awake for twenty six hours now…my mind feels like it’s filled with static and yet, I feel sharper than ever. I’ve gone to the cafe every day. Still no sign of her. I’m slipping back into my old ways, the darkness is going to return any moment. I’ve begun to hear the laughter in the shadows again. They’re making fun of me, I just know it. I need her…oh, I need her so bad. How could she do this to me? Does she not know how much I suffer when she’s not around? If I don’t see her again soon, I will never recover.

Click

February 5th, 6:21 PM

I finally saw her again today. My heartrate spiked and I nearly leaped from my seat to kiss her, to hold her, sway her side to side in a deep hug. Instead, I slipped a tracker into her purse as I walked by her chair. I must know where she works, where she lives, and what she enjoys in her free time. She slipped away from me so easily…can’t let that happen again. I need to know every little thing about her. She is my one and only after all. It would be ridiculous to love someone so deeply and know nothing about them. She is too beautiful, I cannot let her wander around unsupervised. There are some crazy people out there—you never know what could happen. I can’t lose her. I must keep her safe. I will possess her heart. No one else can have her but me. 

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

Satoru observed her for months, shadowing her all around town. He knew the woman’s routine like the back of his hand, before he ever learned her name. Sunday’s she went grocery shopping, Monday after work was her pilates class, every couple of Thursday’s she was at the nail salon, and Friday’s were seemingly payday–he picked up on her pattern of going out to nice restaurants every other week. Satoru eventually got an upper-level management position at a company that shared the office building with her job–he is incredibly intelligent and overqualified, after all; they would be foolish to not hire him. Now he could really keep an eye on her.

That was when he finally learned her name–the two of them taking the same elevator. She didn’t recognize him as the man who seemingly had the same routine as her–it’s one of the many reasons why Satoru loved her so much: her naivety. She looked into his eyes for the first time that day, her voice was soft and angelic, and the name that fell from her lips sent waves through Satoru’s body, the same name that would now be coupled with his gasping moans every evening as he stroked himself to the thought of her. 

With Satoru’s new job that brought him one step closer to her, he knew he could no longer watch her in the way he used to. His movements had to be more calculated, putting more distance between them than he normally would or hiding behind the deep tint of his car windows. If she saw his face too frequently, she surely would have caught on. Satoru smiled at the possibility of her never catching on…how she’d greet him with a smile and a friendly hug each time they “coincidentally” bumped into one another, giggling about their lives' odd synchronicities. Such a sweet girl. If only she knew.

He stopped into her job, a small gift bag hanging off his slender fingers, desperate to watch her eyes light up with the sweet gesture of an unexpected gift. He asked to see her, only to be informed by the receptionist that she had the day off.

It was no worry, he didn’t let that dull his excitement. “I’m a friend of hers, brought this in to surprise her. Do you mind showing me to her desk, I’ll just leave it there for her when she returns to work,” he said kindly. The lady working the front desk blushed under his piercing gaze and handsome features, nodding shyly and walking him to his lover’s designated area. 

Satoru thanked her, stepping into the cubicle to place his gift by her computer. His eyes glazed over her workspace. It was decorated with trinkets and family photos. He picked one up, his thumb tracing over her face. His pretty girl. That smile could bring about world peace; it definitely quieted the angered voices in his head. He scanned her desk, a moment of envy shooting through him at the thought of her dainty fingers dancing over the keyboard rather than tangling in his hair. He groaned internally, looking over his shoulder to ensure no one was around, before ducking down, rummaging through his beloved’s drawers. Stowed away in the bottom of the unit was a fuzzy, white cardigan. He brought the fabric to his nose, inhaling deeply, stifling the filthy moan that nearly echoed through the cubicle. He quickly tucked it into his jacket, took one last look around, and headed toward the exit. 

In the safety of his vehicle, Satoru whipped the clothing out from under his wing, bringing it to his face once more. He undid his belt buckle with haste, shoving his dress slacks halfway down his thighs before his large fist swaddled his cock with the fuzzy white cardigan. He nearly sobbed at the contact, the smell of his car filling with her beautifully floral perfume. He brought the free edge up to his nose, taking another whiff as his hand worked furiously against his shaft. He had never finished so quickly in his life, staggered whimpers and choked moans fell from his parted lips as fat ropes shot up onto his abs and chest. His cheeks were flustered a violent red as he wiped his sticky shame away with her top. After he came, then did his clarity, and Satoru’s body ached with the thought of how good it would feel to finally be sheathed within her sticky walls, rather than her soft clothing. I’ll be with you soon. Soon, my love. 

These feelings were getting unbearable. His overactive brain had him teetering on the edge of insanity. He needed more. His imagination was no longer enough to satiate the hunger that gnawed so deeply in his core, the distanced watching and hopeless longing for the love of his life created jagged rifts in his already damaged psyche. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. A few deep breaths and the promise he made to himself to take action soon quelled his burning desire. But for how much longer could Satoru repress the demon that clawed through his body?

Satoru surveyed her while she ran to the bank, walked her dog, or took her car to the wash. But his most favorite place to watch her was from the bench just outside her bedroom window, engulfed in darkness. Pretty girl lived on the second floor, her silly little brain assumed she didn’t need curtains. She never saw him, but he always saw her. All of her. Drinking in the way her clothes were delicately removed from her pretty little frame, the way she turned and posed in the mirror–so good to him. How her skin glistened after she got out of the shower, the water droplets running along her body in the same way Satoru wanted to. 

He fell into a state of bliss, feeling spoiled by the show he was getting tonight. The lotion that she worked into her body, the beautiful set of lingerie that she dawned. His eyes buzzed around his sockets, elation flooding through him. Gorgeous, gorgeous girl. But his body went rigid and his jaw locked tight at the appearance of another man behind the love of his life. He sat upright, shoulders stiff and heart pounding in his ears at the thought of his sweet being in danger, he cursed himself for not being more aware of her surroundings on her behalf. But when his darling girl turned to the unknown man with a smile, greeting him with a gentle kiss with the lips that were supposed to be just for Satoru, his heart shattered into a million pieces. 

Oh, no. This just won’t do, my love. You are mine. 

Jealousy coursed through his veins while he looked into her room, rage balled in his fists as he watched a random man have her in the one way Satoru couldn’t. Not yet, at least. He must’ve been new in her life, judging by the way his nervous hands explored every part of her skin. Satoru laughed at this–he knew he could please his woman so much better. But betrayal nipped at the back of his neck; how could she do this to him? Had his loyalty fallen on unappreciative shoulders? No, that couldn’t be. Satoru knew she was better than that, he picked her for a reason, after all. She was just playing hard to get. 

You rejected my advances and desperate pleas, and now you throw your relationship in my face. It’s punishment enough that I can’t have you, but I won't let you let me down so easily.

Feeling at a loss, swallowed whole by his hungered desperation, he did what any rational person would. He moved in next door.

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

Satoru Gojo was your next-door neighbor. He moved in only a few months after you did. You were elated, chalking it up to a lucky roll of the dice that you had met by chance at your job; he had started working for the company that shared the office park with yours. It really seemed like things were on the come-up for you. He was kind, confidently intuitive, funny, and supportive. Mildly egotistical, but it worked for him. He always invited you over for dinner and movie nights and was a strong, dependable shoulder for you to cry on. You had just moved to the city, feeling utterly lost and absolutely gutted about being so far from your support systems now, and he was your first friend. You felt safe knowing he was just a wall away. 

On a random Sunday, you opened your front door to see all the food you loved sitting at your doorstep–weird, you were just about to leave for the store. You turned your head, seeing Satoru peeking out from his cracked door, grinning at you. 

“Was this you, Satoru? You didn’t have to…this is incredibly thoughtful,” you beamed, stepping over the grocery bags to give him a tight hug. “You’re the best, I don’t know how I could ever repay you.” But Satoru did, he knew exactly what you could do for him.

When you needed a ride to work, he jumped in to save you. The two of you worked in the same building after all. It was a crazy coincidence that your new neighbor turned best friend worked just a few floors above you. It’s such a small world, isn’t it? But it worked out perfectly for the two of you. 

There was a month where you were short on rent, and there was Satoru, paying the rest on your behalf. 

You weren’t catching on. Sweet, naive girl. Oh, how he loved you. I need to work harder to get her attention.

Satoru was not a patient man, but for you, he would do anything and everything to get you right where he wanted you, expertly playing the long game. It began with the fated sighting of you sitting in a cafe, and snowballed into something bigger. At first, he only ever observed you, maybe the minor occasion of overstepping, but as time went on, he couldn’t sit idly by. It was time to make his move.

His disruptions in your life started inconspicuously. Leaving for a date? You found your car tires slashed and windows shattered in the parking deck. Now there’s a police investigation. Bummer…gotta cancel the date. Had a guy over? Satoru’s apartment flooded. Weird… that was the second time this month. 

“You gotta talk to the landlord about this, ‘Toru,” you sighed. He had to stay at yours that evening. 

You cried on his shoulder, telling him that some guy stood you up on a date you had been anticipating for weeks. There was an electrical fire in that man’s apartment that night. Must’ve been faulty wiring...or something.

His apartment flooded again. He was back at your door. You welcomed him with open arms, of course. He’s so good to you, the least you could do is help him out, as well. 

Satoru, you’re slipping. That’s too many times in one month. Ease up or she’ll catch on.

Friday night, in a wild happenstance, he bumped into you while you were out with another man, enjoying a nice dinner together. He smiled warmly at the two of you, before politely dismissing himself. His cheery smile dropped into a demented grin once he stepped out of the restaurant as he anonymously called in a bomb threat to the establishment. You were so shaken up at the entire ordeal you practically begged Satoru to stay with you that night. He’d be a fool to turn you down.

Satoru got everything he wanted. You were just a tough nut to crack, is all. No big deal. He loved a challenge. After all, how could you not love him by now?

But nothing was working. You couldn’t catch the hint, even with everything he threw at you. He was always the one there for you, even when you weren’t aware of it. What more could he do to prove that he was the only person you needed? I’m reliable, witty, and loving… how can she not see this? He finally snapped. The last straw? Hearing your pleasure-filled cries while getting fucked by another man, your “boyfriend”. The lewd sounds ricocheted around your room, shooting through the thin walls of your apartment and straight into his listening ears.

Tsk, tsk. Now you’ve done it. Always been such a tease. 

For as cocky as he was, it’s oddly fitting. In his mind, everything belonged to him, including you. And with that, his demented plan was in full effect. He had hoped to spare you, prayed that you would fall in love with him before he lost his composure completely. But your sweet, naive nature had proved to be a difficult wall to break down. 

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

Click

The sound of your front door’s lock disengaging echoed through the empty hallway. Satoru stepped in, inhaling deeply as he shoved your house key into his back pocket. It was far easier to gain access into your home than he had originally anticipated; he was fully prepared to break in, but all he had to do was tell your landlord you went out of town and you forgot to leave a key with him before you left. The manager of your apartment complex knew how close you and Satoru were, so it was an easy lie to tell. But it couldn’t have been further from the truth. You weren’t out of town, he wasn’t house sitting, and you had no intentions of having company this evening.

Seated at your desk, he opened your laptop and navigated his way to your iMessage settings, ensuring you could only send and receive texts from your laptop. Clicking on the messaging app, he stifled the gag that threatened to escape his throat as he clicked on the thread between you and your boyfriend, his contact name “my love” in your phone. He rolled his eyes, before drafting a quick text: 

-Hey, baby. I have a half-day at work today…dinner and wine at my place tonight? ;)

He grinned at the quickness of your boyfriend’s response.

-I would love that. What time, my love?

Satoru scoffed at the pet name. He doesn’t deserve to call you that. Poor bastard needed to learn his place. Heat rose in his chest, jealousy emanating through his skin as he crafted his response.

-3pm…Can’t wait to see you.

Everything was going according to plan. Satoru glanced at the clock beside him: 11:17 AM. It was time to get set up, he had a big day planned for you, and his first guest would be arriving in a few short hours. 

A knock rang through the apartment as Satoru finished lighting his final candle. He smiled wide, sauntering over to the door. He swung it open, grinning politely at your boyfriend. “...Hey, man…didn’t expect to see you here…” he said warily as Satoru stood to the side and gestured him in, a quizzical look painted on your partner’s face as he stepped through the doorway. The door shut and the lock was reengaged. “Where’s…” but before he could get his question out, his chin was met with Satoru’s right fist.

Satoru made quick work of dragging his body upstairs. He dug through the unconscious man’s pants, pulling out his cellphone. Satoru was disgusted to see that you were his lockscreen. This pitiful man wasn’t worthy enough to be with you. He rolled his eyes, unlocking the man’s phone and sending you a text: 

-Hey, beautiful. Come straight home tonight. I’m making dinner for us. See you when you get off work.

You smiled at the familiar ding of your phone, the notification effectively distracting you from your tedious paperwork. Your heart soared at the message, sighing deeply and shifting your weight around in your office chair. Your hand rubbed at your face in an attempt to hide your blushing cheeks. 

“What is it?” your coworker asked. 

“Oh, nothing. I thought my boyfriend forgot our anniversary cause I hadn’t heard from him all day…but he just texted me saying he’s at my place and is making dinner for us tonight.” A giddy smile couldn’t help but drag across your face. 

Satoru looked at the clock: 3:28 PM. You would be home in an hour or so. Just a few more things had to be done, everything had to be perfect.

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

Your heart rate spiked as you got closer to your apartment door, keys jingling against your palm as you fumbled with the lock, excitement making your movements a bit clumsier than usual. You entered and kicked off your heels, and as you turned to toss your keys onto the small table in your foyer, you noticed a small card that said “Read Me” placed perfectly in the center of the tray. You were perplexed as your eyes scanned over the note. “Go to the living room” was all it said.

You blushed, a nervous smile pulling at the edge of your lips as you crept to the other room. Your eyes went wide at the sight; deep red roses were placed in the center of the coffee table and every accessible surface around the couch was adorned with beautifully flickering candles. Another note was on the table, your fingers fumbled with the edge of the card as you opened it: “Have a seat, take a sip, and press play.” You settled on the couch, noticing a glass of alluring red wine to the right of the roses. You took a few deep, fulfilling swigs of your drink before grabbing the TV remote. Your face twisted a bit, examining the glass in your hand, the flavor of wine different than the one you were used to. It was a special night after all, your thoughtful boyfriend must have wanted you to branch out this evening. Where is he, anyway? As you pressed play, you called out for him, only to be cut off by your own confusion as Satoru’s face appeared on your TV screen. You watched with perplexity as Satoru recentered his chair, smiled, relaxed his face, and then smiled again.

No…no, no, no. What is this? You were locked in place, the melodious sounds of Satoru’s voice cascaded out of your surround sound system. He looked different though, his eyes were dull and low, his voice monotonous–his alarming difference in demeanor sent a chill down your spine. Your groggy mind inferred that this must’ve been an accident. Maybe it was casted to the wrong TV. I shouldn’t be seeing this…these are Satoru’s video diaries. 

You so badly wanted to tear your eyes away from the screen, this seemed like such an invasion of privacy. But you were entranced, staring intently toward the TV, though you didn’t really have a choice, your body was completely numb now. 

“January 16th, 4:06 AM

I woke up drenched in the feeling of lethargy again—another night of only an hour’s worth of sleep. Nothing feels real when you hit a certain point…” you fought to keep your eyes open, to piece together what the hell was happening, until your body eventually succumbed to sleep.

When you finally came to, you were laid out on your bed, fully nude. Soft grunts lingered in the air as you worked your hardest to refocus your eyes, your head pounding. You shifted your weight onto your forearms, your neck straining as it felt like your brain was filled with lead, eyes searching your bedroom for the culprit of the moans. One glance to the left, a quick look to the right, before you stared straight ahead at the wall directly across from the bed. Your body lurched in fear as your heart sank, the source of the sounds now looking you dead in the eyes: The man you had been seeing for the past couple of months, gagged and tied to a chair, his bloodied face twisted up in agony. 

You tried to call out for him. Your feeble attempts to drag your heavy body closer in order to console him were interrupted as the room was suddenly illuminated with the streaming lights of a projector. Your movements halted as you shielded your eyes immediately, the bright interruption feeling like a flashbang to your sensitive head. 

“We didn’t get to finish my show and tell,” a voice spoke up from the dark corner. 

“Satoru?? Wha…what is going on?” you cried out, tears spilling from your eyes while your hands attempted to cover your modesty. You tried your hardest to sit upright, your head spinning, unsure if Satoru was the culprit or your savior. Your body felt like it was anchored to the floor, your head throbbing with every word that tore through your chest. 

“There’s no need for all that yelling, sweetheart,” Satoru grinned, crouching down next to you. You winced as his hand cupped the side of your face, his thumb brushing away the tears that trickled down your cheeks. 

Click

Metal cuffs clamped down on your wrists before you could even register what was happening. A million unanswered questions spun through the room as you frantically searched through his blue eyes, hoping to find any sort of insight into the torment he was inflicting upon the two of you. 

“This is what’s gonna happen, okay? I need you to listen to me.” His voice was sickeningly sweet, each syllable that left his lips more damning than the last as he dragged your limp body up the bed, securing your wrists to the headboard and angling your body toward the projected video on your wall. A crazed grin lit up his dull face as he raised his hand, pointing the remote toward the projector. “You’re gonna sit here and look all pretty f’me while you watch these tapes, and if you move, if you stop paying attention for even a second…” Your stomach churned at how gently he was able to give such vile instructions. He turned his attention towards your partner, the blade of a knife twirling through the slender fingers of his free hand, “...He’s dead. Understand, angel?” 

You nodded reluctantly, unable to do anything else but comply with his demands. Your head was spinning, trying to digest the fact that this was the same person who had paid your rent and entertained your rants after a hard day of work. You listened as his voice continued to drabble over the static of the projector, recalling how bland that day had been until he saw your face. How he must’ve dreamt of you because there was no way your beauty could exist outside of his imagination. To you, it had been a normal Tuesday afternoon. To him, it had been the start of the rest of his life. 

The longer you watched, the more the realization set in that the sweet gestures he presented to you were not out of the goodness of his heart, but from the darkness of his spirit, driven by his wanton lust. Your face was slack, eyes wide in horror. Disappointment crawled through your chest at your own naivety. How could I be so oblivious? So trusting? 

Satoru’s eyes bored into the side of your face as he sat beside you, his hands rubbing deep circles into your bare thighs, pure elation shooting through his veins at his sweet girl finally having a look into his mind. The look of terror that painted your beautiful face made his heart leap with joy. Satoru’s giddy demeanor dropped as pained grunts emerged from the tethered man against the wall. He stood, closing the distance between the two of them, his fist encircling your boyfriend’s throat. You began to protest, to plead with Satoru to leave him be, but the rage that filled his eyes made you shut your mouth. “Uh uh…eye’s on the screen, my love.” Your head snapped back toward the videos, fat tears rolling down your cheeks as the muffled wailing of your boyfriend filled the room. 

As the final video played, Satoru returned to your side, kneeling on the edge of the bed as he  stroked the back of your head and rubbed at your cheeks. “Can’t you see all that I’ve done for you?” He grabbed your face, digging his fingers deep into the space under your cheekbones, forcing your lips into a pucker. “You belong to me, my love.” A deep growl rumbled through his chest, “You look so fucking beautiful like this.” He leaned down and crashed his lips into yours, his hot tongue bullying its way through your tight lips. Small whines echoed through your mouth and into his, and Satoru greedily swallowed up your sounds with ease. Whimpers of protest came from the wall across from your bed, but they were quickly drowned out by the wet sounds of smacking lips and battling tongues.

He broke away, a thick trail of spit still connecting the two of you. Satoru released your cheeks with a gentle shove, throwing his leg over yours to straddle you. He dropped his head to your neck, his white hair brushing against your skin. You winced as he licked a thick line from your collarbone to your ear. “I finally get to have you,” he whispered, nipping at your flesh, “You ready to give yourself to me, princess?” Your eyes widened in horror, your gaze affixed towards your boyfriend, blood trickling from the fresh cuts on his cheeks. Your head shook side to side, tears brimming in your eyes once more as your thoughts raced through your mind, causing a traffic jam in your throat. “I…no, I can’t…he’s…” Satoru’s palm covered your mouth, a groan erupting from the back of his throat as his eyes rolled deep into his skull. He sat back, staring down at you, his free hand running its fingertips between your breasts. “This has nothing to do with him…It’s just me and you now, my love.” Your head snapped up to stare at your captor as the rough pads of his fingers brushed over your nipples. A stifled moan teased the back of your throat, an exasperated look of fear in your eyes as you stared up at Satoru.

Your cheeks flushed as you held his gaze. He grinned back down at you before rolling the hardened bud between his fingertips. Your chest arched toward him, a shameful hum dancing from your lips as he played with you. A deep laugh erupted from the blue-eyed man at your unintentional reaction, his head thrown back with pure joy as he continued to pull at your nipples. He leaned into your neck once more, his teeth grazing the outer shell of your ear. “I knew it,” he purred, “Knew you wanted me, too. You were just playing hard to get, isn’t that right?” You shook your head once more, your words constricted in your chest. “N-no…I never wanted you,” you retorted, head thrown to the side, attempting to distance yourself from him, but to no avail. The weight of him anchored your lower half to the mattress while your tethered wrists held you in place.

A deep chuckle rumbled through Satoru, “So if I feel your pussy, it won’t be absolutely soaked right now?” A pathetic whimper escaped your throat as you shook your head furiously. The rolling motion against your nipples halted and his hand trailed lower down your abdomen. “Hmm…let’s see then, shall we?” he taunted, tracing your skin before rubbing your folds and dipping into your core. “I knew it…you’re fucking drenched f’me, sweetheart.” He shoved two fingers in, shallowly teasing your hole before withdrawing, bringing his sopping digits between your faces, turning his wrist as the dim light of the room illuminated the wetness, making it glisten ever so slightly. He examined them before meeting your fearful gaze. “Why did you lie?” He sucked his middle digit into his mouth, his tongue lapping hungrily at your sweet juices as his eyes fluttered shut. A hum emanated from Satoru as his other soaked finger pushed past your lips, “Here, have a taste, pretty girl,” his long digit dancing around your tongue. “So fucking sweet. You have no idea how badly I’ve been craving this.” 

“I’ll ask you again, princess…Why’d you lie to me? I thought you were better than that,” he teased, an insincere pout twitching at his lips as he cradled your chin. Your body thrashed as his hands pawed down your body, plunging two fingers deep inside you again. Your back arched toward him, his knee between your legs was the only thing keeping you open for him. “I…It wasn’t..ahh!– I wasn’t lying…I–”. Your words fell on deaf ears as a wicked smile crept across Satoru’s face.

“Shhh…shhh my sweet girl, just lay back and enjoy,” he smirked as he crawled down your body, laying himself flat on the bed with his head nestled between your legs. Satoru’s body no longer shielded you from your boyfriend, your teary eyes darted across his face, a silent apology being sent his way. Small gasps escaped your lips as Satoru continued to pump into you, the tips of his curled fingers toying with your sweet spot. When you stared down at him, the look of pure desire peered back at you, the dampness between your legs skyrocketing at the sight. A scarlet dusting of shame brushed across your cheeks at your clear enjoyment of all this, even though it betrayed every natural instinct you had. His tongue darted out from between his lips, the tip circling your swollen clit as his fingers dipped in and out of you, his movements spurred on by his own desperation.

He was delirious, suckling against your clit while his fingers worked into you with fervor, moans and growls echoing through the room as he drank you in. You so badly wanted to break away, to console your boyfriend who had an unintentional front row seat to you falling apart on someone else’s tongue, but you couldn't bring yourself to stop him, his digits hitting spots inside you that you didn’t even know existed. Pleasure ripped through your body as a tightening sensation crept its way into your stomach. The rattling of your cuffs echoed through your bedroom as you fought against your restraints, desperately wanting to tangle your fingers in Satoru’s hair.

Your hips bucked toward his mouth, your body aching for release as your pelvis thrusted against his flattened tongue. You didn’t dare look away from Satoru, for you knew there was another set of eyes affixed upon the damning scene that was unfolding. He continued to hum and suck and pump into your core as you tightened around him, his slender fingers quickly coaxing your orgasm from your writhing body. Your eyes screwed shut as your gushy walls spasmed around his fingers, your release painting Satoru’s overly-eager face. He lapped at you some more, working you through your orgasm as he cleaned you up with his wickedly talented tongue. 

A deep growl broke through Satoru’s chest as he removed his head from between your legs, the back of his hand dragging across his chin, catching the last of your release before he licked you off of him. He sat upright, craning his neck to look over his shoulder, “Hope you were taking notes,” a smug grin on his face as he addressed your watching boyfriend. He redirected his attention to you. “Did so good f’me, angel. Dreamt of that for so long…” he grinned, his tongue darting out to trace along his lips, hoping there was still some of you coating his face “...I could do that all fuckin’ day.” 

Your shaking chest heaved as clarity settled into your mind. Satoru untethered your wrists from the headboard, shifting your body so that you were on your hands and knees, head positioned toward the wall your partner was leaning against. Strangled sounds rang from your boyfriend’s chest as you finally met his gaze. Humiliation prickling under your skin at the realization of what you had just done. But you had no time to dwell on it as Satoru repositioned himself on the bed.

“He’s gonna watch me destroy you, my sweet girl,” Satoru was kneeled behind you, lining himself up with your embarrassingly soaked entrance. He grasped your hips roughly, sinking into you in one fluid motion. You choked out a sob as you dropped your head in shame.

“You’re so pretty when you cry. He can’t help you…can’t save you. Go ‘head, keep cryin’ for him,” he cooed, his thrusts deep and slow inside of you. Jagged moans escaped your throat as the thick head of his cock brushed into your sweet spot. “He can’t make you feel as good as I do.”

He leaned down, reaching around to cradle your throat in his hand, squeezing tightly as he turned your head to the side, his sharp eyes running up and down your contorted face. “Can’t you see that you belong to me, how my poor heart aches for you? How badly I’ve needed you?” His thrusts were agonizingly slow but incredibly deep, the pressure in your tummy betraying your desire for this to stop. “That’s it, my love. Feel you clenching down on me…you’re getting off on this, aren’t ya?” His hips rocked deeper into you, the new depth had your hands clawing at the sheets of your bed as pleasure worked its way through your trembling body.

“He doesn’t treat you the way I do. He never will. No one is better for you than me, princess,” he seethes, his hand cupping your chin, holding your head up, “Now look in his eyes while I use you.” His pace picked up, pulling you back on to him with his anchored hand around your neck. A broken sob cut through your constricted throat as he fucked into you, the visceral sound of flesh smacking against flesh and whines and cries spun through the otherwise stiff air of your room. He palmed at the fat of your ass, pulling your body to meet his rough thrusts. A choked cry left your lips as you maintained eye contact with your boyfriend, crimson droplets running down his face, mimicking the pattern of your tears. You mouthed a silent “I’m sorry” to him before your eyes shut tightly, waves of sinful bliss pulsed through your body with every mean thrust of Satoru’s hips.

“Gettin’ so tight around me–f-fuuuck–you’re close, huh?” Your face contorted in shameful pleasure as you nodded, your back arching even more to take him deeper. “That’s it…c’mon, my love. Need you to cum on my cock,” Satoru begged, his voice airy as he got lost in your tight, sopping walls. “Show me how good I make you feel.” His words ricocheted around your head as the building pressure in your stomach finally snapped, your legs shaking violently as your orgasm ripped through your body, splattering onto Satoru’s thighs and the mattress below you. 

A few more strokes met your dripping center before Satoru bottomed out inside of you, thick ropes of his pearlescent seed painting your spasming walls. He finally released his tight grip around your throat, your head dropping immediately as indignity plagued your trembling frame. He pulled out, spreading your cheeks as he leaned down, an animalistic growl pulling from his chest as he watched his cum dribble out of your pussy. 

Satoru rubbed soothing circles into your lower back as you worked to regain your breath. “You’re mine,” he whispered. He unlatched the restraints from around your wrists, a coy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth at the purple bruises that marked your skin. He locked eyes with your boyfriend, a deranged smile dancing across his face as he reached for the discarded projector remote. 

Another familiar voice flooded through the speaker, but this time it wasn’t Satoru’s. “...We broke up a few weeks ago. No, no. Really, it’s okay. She was kind of a bitch anyway.” Your pupils widened as you stared back at the man you had just been feeling sorry for minutes ago, rage mixing into the vast sea of emotions you were already feeling while you watched a grainy video of him snaking his arm around another woman’s waist. The two of them were laughing outside of his house before she leaned in to kiss him. 

“My poor sweet girl.” Satoru’s hand brushed lightly against your cheeks, catching tears that you didn’t even realize had begun spilling out. “I didn’t want you to have to find out this way, but I didn’t have much of a choice, did I?”

There were a million other ways he could have broken the news to you, but that somehow wasn’t the most pressing issue at hand. 

“An eye for an eye, right?” The same haunting grin that you’d grown to know all too well spread across his face again, his blue eyes slicing into your ex-boyfriend’s. “I can’t believe that my entire world was in the hands of someone so undeserving…” he redirected his attention back to you and recaptured your cheeks in his hands. He leaned down to meet your gaze, unexpected softness replacing his usual sinister demeanor. “What do we do now, baby? It’s your call.”

Your pulse was ringing through your ears. “My call?” your voice was reduced to a whisper as you repeated it back to him. 

“I’m going to kill him either way, but I want you to tell me how.”

You pondered for a moment, still coming to terms with the chain of events that lead you to this one vengeful moment. 

Satoru stood, sauntering over to your boyfriend, stooping down to his level while his hands hovered over his gag. “When I take this off, I don’t want to hear anything other than remorse come from that pathetic fuckin’ mouth of yours.” Your boyfriend’s eyes shifted towards you, then back to Satoru, as he nodded pitifully. The tie was pulled from his mouth. His words were broken, barely audible. “I’m -” he choked out. “I’m sorry, I -”

Your stomach lurched as a sharp smack met his cheek, the painful sound resonating through the room. “You can do better than that. You got one more try,” Satoru spat, his eyes burning into your ex-lover’s bloodied face as he wrapped his fist around his throat, jostling his head around in a fit of rage. 

“Satoru,” you hardly recognized your tone let alone the thoughts that were racing through your head. The last few hours of your life had been a blur. The words you heard earlier made perfect sense now, “Nothing feels real when you hit a certain point.” You were officially at that point. “Satoru, don’t. Let’s just end this.”

It was the first time you’d ever seen the silver-haired man look surprised. His eyebrow raised, a mix of curiosity and amusement glinting in his eye. “Tell me how,” he repeated. “I need to hear you say it.” 

You were in a dream. Nothing more than a figment of Satoru’s imagination, just like he had said. It was the only thing that made sense to you because there was no way any of this was actually happening. 

“Rip his heart out,” your voice emotionless as you gazed toward the blue-eyed man. Satoru groaned deeply, his dick twitching at the sound of your pretty voice speaking his dark language. The same depraved grin pulled at the edge of his lips as he looked back at your ex. 

“Well,” he smirked, “looks like it’s decided then…” Adoration swam through his ocean eyes as he looked back at you, “I knew I picked the right one.”

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

Click

The lock of your front door unbolted as your bodies pushed through the door frame, giggling as four glasses of wine danced through your systems. Satoru wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into a deep, passionate kiss. “Happy anniversary, my love,” he mumbled against your lips. His hands grasped yours as he led you toward the couch. 

You nestled into the warmth of his chest, his arm secured around you while you gazed around the room. Your head spun from the wine-induced nostalgia that this day had inevitably brought on. You were still in the same apartment, only it belonged to both of you now. A blend of sentimental gifts decorated your bookshelf that the two of you had collected over the last year. A camcorder, pressed red roses, framed vacation photos, and the first set of diamond earrings he’d bought you stowed away in a heart-shaped jewelry box. But out of all of the memories that tied you together, there was one that stood out the most. 

“Should we open it?” you whispered, drawing lazy circles into his shoulder.

You didn’t have to see his face to feel his smirk. He knew his girl and he knew her well. He stood wordlessly, retrieving a jar from the highest shelf. He presented it to you, a smug grin gracing his ethereal features, the same look that was permanently etched into your brain the night he got it for you. 

“Be my guest, princess.” You unscrewed the lid, peering into the jar as the strong scent of formaldehyde tickled your nose. You smiled longingly into the container, the overwhelming feeling of love reverberating through your chest. There was something so beautifully poetic about Satoru’s limerence, the lengths at which he went to steal the heart of another in order to fully possess yours. 

author note: im so sorry for not posting my sweets,, i had the worst case of writer's block and i was actively trying to work on six different WIPs...i was losing my mind.

this was quite the heavy fic to write...i hope i didn't scare anyone away with it lol

alsoooo!! sending out the biggest thank you to @remlionheart for forcing me to finish this...my editor, my co-writer, the love of my life ♡ ⋆｡˚

© bratbby333 on tumblr. all rights reserved. please do no distribute. 2024.

[castiwls]

you are in love - s.w

Paring; sam x reader

Prompt; 'Pauses and says, you're my best friend. And you knew what it was, he is in love'

Requested; anon

Notes; kinda made this sader than i meant oops. reqs and inbox are open !

Masterlist | Taylor Swift masterlist

Ever since he was a child Sam had been taught to fear the dark. Taught that all the worst things happened in the darkness of the night. Over time the childhood fear of creatures hiding in his closest had slowly faded away as he came to terms with the fact that those creatures did in fact not just live in the closest but also in the wider world.

He’d quickly learnt that his actual fears lay not only in the dark but also in the light. That was partly why he’d quickly learnt that his favourite time of day was dusk. The time of day when the world was almost in limbo, not yet dark enough for the monsters of the night to come out but also not too light for them to lurk on the streets.

Sleep seemed to come and go for him recently. More and more nightmares making appearances made sleep something which he’d simply rather avoid altogether, yet that had changed when you’d walked into his life.

Sleep seemed easier and safer whenever you were around, your body almost like a protection blanket in human form. The nightmares never seemed as bad.

Yet he still found himself waking in the late hours, a small jolt of fear turning his blood cold as his eyes stared up at the dark ceiling. Letting out a breath he shifted in the bed, turning to watch the rise and fall of your chest as you slept beside him.

A small smile pulled at Sam’s lips as the previous fear seemed to melt away as you subconsciously moved closer, a small huff leaving your lips. 

“Sam?” Your voice was quiet as you slowly blinked up at him. “What's wrong?”

He shook his head, his smile widening slightly as you leaned back slightly to get a better look at him. You were more than used to him being awake at almost all hours, you’d learnt very quickly that the smallest movement seemed to wake him up - much to your dismay.

“M’fine.” He brushed a hand through your hair. “Just trouble sleeping. That’s all.” He reassured.

You watched him for a moment your eyes tracing his face. He didn’t look stressed, if anything he looked relatively relaxed. You subconsciously relaxed realising that this wasn’t a nightmare situation and that he wasn’t trying to hide something.

“Okay.” You nodded a tired smile pulling at your lips as you stifled a yawn. 

You watched him for a moment longer before leaning up to press a chaste kiss to his cheek, your lips brushing over his cheek for a moment before pulling back. “Try and get some sleep okay?” 

Sam nodded whispering his agreement before brushing a hand over your cheek. His lips parted for a moment as if to say something before he stopped. His eyes moved from you for a moment, an almost hard look settling over his face.

He sucked in a breath before looking back to you, his face softening almost immediately. “Why did you do that?” You frowned.

“Do what?”

“That face, why did you pull that face?”

Sam laughed quietly. “I didn’t pull a face.”

“Yes, you did. You looked like you were in pain for a moment.” His smile dropped slightly as you sat up - him quickly following. “I know something's wrong.” 

Sam was quiet for a moment before he pulled his gaze from yours, an almost nervous look taking over his features.

“It’s nothing it’s just…I realised how much you mean to me and I guess…” He trailed off running a hand through his hair. “Everyone I’ve cared about in this way…It’s not ended well for them. I don’t want that for you.” His hand found yours, intertwining your fingers as he looked back up, his eyebrows furrowing slightly.

Your heart pinched slightly at his words. You’d told him hundreds of times that nothing was going to happen to you. That he was allowed to love without feeling guilty, yet he still refused to say the words.

“You’re my best friend.” His hand tightened against yours as he felt his breath catch for a moment. You both knew you were more than friends. You had been for a while yet he wasn’t willing to risk saying those words for fear of placing a target on your back. You both knew the unsaid words which hung over you at all times. It was almost like a string waiting to snap as you both danced the line, neither willing to cross and finally admit that you were in love.

[gahyunszn]

risk it all

genre : fluff

warning(s) : none

note : this was so rushed but idc, i’ve been having insane giselle brain rot + i love iu SO ITS A WIN FOR ME!!!!

things never really went well for you, but thankfully you had someone special to help when things went wrong.

Dearest, darling, my universe

날 데려가 줄래?

나의 이 가난한 상상력으론

떠올릴 수 없는 곳으로

giselle, your rock, your #1 supporter, your best friend. whenever you had any sort of troubles, giselle was the one person that you could run to when things became unbearable and you were grateful for that, for her. even when you didn’t have troubles that giselle would worry about and lend you a shoulder to cry on, you two would spend time together and bond over the little things that would seem meaningless to others.

저기 멀리 from Earth to Mars

꼭 같이 가줄래?

그곳이 어디든

오랜 외로움, 그 반대말을 찾아서

어떤 실수로

이토록 우리는 함께일까?

“hey, have you ever wondered what it would be like to run away?” giselle abruptly asked, making you look up from the manga you had stolen from her shelf.

“sometimes, why?” you cocked your head, eyebrows furrowed, confused on what made her ask.

“what if we ran away together, we could go somewhere even more beautiful than here, away from all your troubles.” she explained.

you smiled, liking the idea of running away with your best friend, being able to live a better life with her without worrying about anyone or anything. however, there’s one faulty thing about running away with giselle.

would your feelings towards her grow more?

“i think i’d like that” you smiled, causing giselle to smile as well.

so it was settled, you two would simply run away to a better place where it would be nothing but peaceful. of course you two couldn’t jump into this so carelessly, a lot of planning was made to assure that you two had the right funds, location, and transportation. once everything had been carefully thought out, you two progressed.

bags packed, excitement contained, and a patient giselle waiting just down the street. you were ready to leave this place to settle down somewhere better with your best friend. you hated having to still call her your best friend during all this, but what could you do? you didn’t know if she felt the same or not and you didn’t wanna risk anything.

세상에게서 도망쳐 run on

나와 저 끝까지 가줘 my lover

나쁜 결말일까?

길 잃은 우리 둘 mm

and so it started, the walk to the train station while talking about the first things you two would do in the new area begun. giselle wanted to check out any cafés that may be there while you wanted to take a nap as soon as you two made it to your destination. giselle laughed, gentle pushing your shoulder in a playful manner, joking about how much of a homebody you are.

after some talk later, you two found yourselves on the platform of the train station, looking at each other before taking a deep breath and stepping onto the train. it was almost empty minus the business workers who were going home after a long day at the office. you and giselle had sat in a secluded part of the train cart, putting your suitcases on the padded seats in front of you two. giselle let out a long breath of air, slouching a bit in her seat and resting her head on your shoulder. you stiffened up, feeling her nuzzle her head on your shoulder to get comfortable before the train started to move.

“we should have started operation run away later in the day, which one of us decided that we should do this at 4 in the morning.” she groaned.

“you did, you decided that.” you chuckled, wrapping your arm around her in an attempt to shield her eyes from as much as the train lighting as possible, allowing her to sleep peacefully.

“well…shit.” she sighed, giggling quietly to herself before letting the wave of tiredness get to her.

부서지도록 나를 꼭 안아

더 사랑히 내게 입 맞춰 lover

Love is all, love is all

Love, love, love, love

an hour or so passed since giselle had fallen asleep, the sun started to rise which only made her look even more beautiful. the way the sunrise had captured her features was amazing even if your sweater sleeve was blocking almost half her face. you were convinced that she’d wake up soon with how hard and loud your heart seemed to be beating, but you couldn’t help yourself.

you started to wonder if this was a bad idea, if maybe had you not actually run away with her, you wouldn’t be feeling this way.

impossible. it was inevitable with the way any little act of kindness she had done towards you made your heart flutter.

결국, 그럼에도

어째서 우리는 서로일까?

세상에게서 도망쳐 run on

나와 저 끝까지 가줘 my lover

나쁜 결말일까?

길 잃은 우리 둘 mm

as the train ride proceeded for a bit longer, you noticed your stop was coming up. you unwrapped your arm around giselle, causing her to stir from the sudden loss of warmth.

“hey, we’re almost here.” you whispered, rubbing your head against hers. she groaned, slowly waking up and taking in the view from outside the window.

“wow…” she was at a loss for words, grateful for picking this area as a place to run away to especially when it would make you look even more beautiful than you already are.

after a good stare out the window, giselle faced you, observing your facial features before frowning.

“did you not get any rest when i did?” she asked, moving her hand your your face to caress your cheek.

“no, i wanted to make sure we didn’t miss our stop.” complete lie. as you were about to gently grab giselle’s wrist to move her hand off your face, the announcer had announced your stop, resulting in giselle’s hand moving on her own. you two got up from your seats, stretching a bit before grabbing your things and making your way off the train. once off the train, you two took in your surroundings, sharing a joint ‘woah’ before starting the walk to the temporary hotel.

찬찬히 너를 두 눈에 담아

한 번 더 편안히 웃어주렴

유영하듯 떠오른

그날 그 밤처럼

나와 함께 겁 없이 저물어줄래?

산산히 나를 더 망쳐 ruiner

너와 슬퍼지고 싶어 my lover

during the walk, giselle couldn’t help but stare at you, causing her to almost fall a couple times.

“you should really pay more attention while you’re walking, you’re so clumsy.” you laughed, watching as giselle almost tripped over her own feet.

“it’s hard to pay attention when….the view is so pretty!” she awkwardly said, suddenly turning her head towards a fenced off ledge that had a perfect view of the ocean and a small island off in the distance. “here, stand right there, i wanna take a picture of you with this beautiful view.” giselle pointed at a spot with her finger.

you stood where she pointed, looking behind you to also take in the view. as you were looking behind you, giselle had whipped out her phone to take some candid shots of you, loving how amazing you looked without even trying.

“wow…you’re a work of art.” she said a little too loud, causing you to look at her. you smiled.

“same to you, you’re absolutely stunning.”

giselle’s arm slowly dropped to her side as she walked towards you. once she got close enough, she held you in a warm embrace, the breeze flowing through both of your hair. after some silence, you decided to risk everything and lean in for a kiss which she thankfully reciprocated.

필연에게서 도망쳐 run on

나와 저 끝까지 가줘 my lover

일부러 나란히 길 잃은 우리 두 사람

부서지도록 나를 꼭 안아

더 사랑히 내게 입 맞춰 lover

Our love wins all, love wins all

Love, love, love, love

it was a warm, longing kiss. the mix of the cool breeze and the faint wave crashes in the background made it all the more better. you were glad you took the risk to run away with her, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

giselle pulled away first, looking into your eyes lovingly before gently hitting your shoulder.

“you know, i’ve been waiting for you to do that.” she admitted, causing you to roll your eyes playfully.

[psychologicalwarclaire]

Rising and Falling

Or, a oneshot set shortly after Arin betrays the ninja. Corruption arc Arin aftermath.

---

The flight back was the longest night of Sora’s life. 

No one spoke. 

No one looked at Sora. 

No one looked at Lloyd. 

No one talked about Arin. 

Sora wanted to. She wanted to scream and shout. She wanted to grab Lloyd by the shoulders and ask why Arin had abandoned them like that. She wanted to flare her powers, take over the engine, and turn the Bounty around immediately. She wanted to demand that they all go back. But they had nothing to go back to. Raz had pulled his little making-everyone-on-his-side-disappear trick. And this time, Arin had gone with him. 

Willingly. 

Not as a hostage, not as any part of a plan. Willingly. 

Sora would never forget the look in Arin’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he’d said. “You don’t need me. I need to get stronger. I need to find my family.” His eyes had flicked to Lloyd and his face had twisted. “My real family.” 

Shaking her head, Sora scrubbed away the tears in her eyes. She didn’t want to relive that moment anymore. But she had a sneaking feeling that it simply lived in her head now. Forever. 

The Bounty touched down at the Monastery. Every light was off. The only glow came from the red moon and a sliver of the white one. The faintest line of dawn pulsed along the horizon, dimming the stars. Sora turned to Lloyd, but he was gone. 

Nya put her hand on Sora’s shoulder. “Get some sleep.” It was the first thing anyone had said to her in hours. Nya’s own voice was husky. “It’s been a long night.” 

Sora stopped just outside of the Monastery gates. She couldn’t go in. She couldn’t go in. Without Arin it was empty. It was cold. It was nothing. 

There would be no scent of a freshly baked pie. There would be no giggles and cute little leg kicks as he read scrolls about his beloved ninjas’ adventures. There would be no laughter ever again, as far as Sora was concerned. 

“Nya. Where did Lloyd go.” 

Nya hesitated, clearly unsure if she should tell Sora. 

“Nya. Please.” 

“Check the far side of the Monastery. Outside of the wall. Be careful of the cliff.” She made to walk away, then stopped. “Make sure you eat breakfast. I know you probably don’t want to, but you should eat something.” 

Sora didn’t respond. She just started off around the outer edge of the Monastery wall. 

By the time she found him, it had lightened just enough for her to see her teacher’s silhouette against the dim sky.

Plopping down next to him, she noticed that he flinched away slightly. 

More silence. 

Chilly breezes ruffled Sora and Lloyd’s hair. 

“I’m sorry,” Lloyd finally said at last.

Sora didn’t say anything. She didn’t trust herself to speak. 

“I thought… I thought I could be your teacher. I thought that I could be like Wu. But I’m not.” Lloyd pulled his knees up to his chest. The motion was so innocently childish that Sora was momentarily taken aback. 

“I’ve failed you. I’ve failed Arin. I’ve failed Riyu. I’ve failed Wu. I’ve failed myself!” Pale purple sky reflected in his eyes as they slowly filled with tears. “I shouldn’t have tried to teach. I should have seen what kind of pressure Arin was under. I should have been a better teacher. I’m not Wu. I wanted to be, I just…” Lloyd buried his face in his knees. “I’m sorry. I understand if you want to leave.” 

Her mouth fell open in indignation. “L-leave?” 

“Why would you want to be taught by me anymore? You have no reason to stay now. I’m the worst teacher possible. You shouldn’t feel pressured to stay with someone as awful at this as I am.”

Gears turned in Sora’s brain. Her grief, her shock, her denial over Arin’s choice shifted. As the sun rose closer to the horizon, so did a new feeling in Sora’s gut. 

“So that’s it?” she snapped, her voice harsh. “We’re just giving up?” 

“You saw how he looked at me.” 

“SO WHAT?!” 

The sky lightened another shade, now tinging the clouds with hints of pink as Sora’s anger rose to the surface. 

“COULD YOU BE MORE SELFISH?!” 

Lloyd’s head snapped up. “Excuse me?” 

“‘Aw, poor me, poor me. I’m not as good as Master Wu. I lost my student because I wasn’t paying attention. Waaa, waaa, waaa.’ Okay, and?!” 

“Sora, you don’t understand. Master Wu–” 

“Oh enough about Master Wu already! I honestly don’t think he was anywhere near as perfect as you and Arin seem to think. I’ve read the scrolls, Lloyd. It sounds like he wasn’t this amazing mythical figure you see him as. It sounds like he didn’t tell you guys enough. It sounds like he didn’t always prepare you for this stuff. Heck, he didn’t even know the Merge was gonna happen until it was too late! This Wu guy clearly wasn’t perfect despite having years of experience on you.”

“Hey, don’t disrespect my uncle!”  

“You’re telling me that Wu was the perfect teacher to every single student he ever came in contact with? You’re telling me he never messed up, pushed too hard, or got too distracted?” 

“No, never– well.” 

Lloyd dropped his legs back into a meditation position. “There was Morro. His first student. Master Wu messed up with him big time.”

“See? Wu’s first student gave him issues too. It shouldn't be this big a deal–” 

“Sora, he accidentally drove Morro away. He died. He came back as a ghost. Possessed me. Tried to curse the world. Uprooted destiny. Trapped my father in the Cursed Realm.” His green eyes finally turned to her. The sky made them look… red. 

Sora had nothing to say.

Pink on the clouds darkened to scarlet streaks. Blood smeared across the sky. 

“So. So Master Wu wasn’t perfect.” 

“Well it’s clear that we’ve both messed up big time. You’re angry, Sora. I understand. But I just don't see how I can continue to teach–” 

“No!” 

The anger was back, twice as crimson as the sky. 

“I’m not gonna leave the Monastery! I have nowhere else to go! Arin is my family. And Arin is my home. I’m not staying here without him and I’m not leaving without him. I’m not doing anything without him!” 

“What if he doesn’t want to be saved? What if Raz corrupted him, or brainwashed him, or something that we can’t undo? We don’t know where they went or why exactly Arin felt the need to– Sora we just… can’t.” 

Shooting to her feet in time with the first golden sunbeams, Sora glared down at her teacher. 

“Stop thinking about yourself! Stop thinking about your failure! This is all of our fault. If I hadn’t made him think he did object-Spinjitzu that one time, or if I’d told him about it, or if I’d-I’d, I don’t know, talked to you about this first then maybe we wouldn’t be here.” 

Lloyd opened his mouth. 

“But we are here! And Arin is gone.” 

And it hit her. 

Sora sank to her knees. 

“Arin is gone, Lloyd. He left us. He left me.” 

She stared at the grass, ashen as its green mixed with glow of the stained sunrise. 

“I want him back.” She raised her head to give a hard, cold look to her teacher. Lloyd’s expression was unreadable. “I want him back.” Sora repeated. 

She stood up again, more slowly this time. Just as she did, the sun broke over the horizon, bathing her face in vermillion. 

“Ninja never quit.” 

Lloyd just stared for a moment. “I think that’s the first time you’ve said that.” 

“Yeah, well. Quitting isn’t an option. And if Arin’s not going to be a ninja then I’d better be a ninja for both of us.” 

Slowly, Lloyd got to his feet. “I don’t want to mess up again, Sora. I don’t want to lose you too. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t…” he sighed. “I don’t know how we’re going to do this.”

“Well I’m doing it. I don’t know how exactly, but I’m gonna do it. You are welcome to join me, Lloyd.” 

Maybe it was the rising sun, but Lloyd's smile was warmer than she’d ever seen it. He held out his arms for a hug and Sora fell into it. She felt so small. 

“I can’t promise that I’ll be a perfect teacher. I can’t promise that I will be like Wu, or that I won’t be like Wu.” He squeezed tighter. “But I can promise that I’m going to try my hardest to make this little family of ours whole again.” 

Arin’s words seemed to echo in the air. 

My real family. 

“Okay,” Sora whispered, wiping her eyes. 

By the time they broke apart, the sun had risen fully. Messy red had given way to a pale, peaceful blue. 

“Let’s go get our boy,” Lloyd said. “No more moping. No more feeling sorry for myself.” 

“No more comparison to Wu?” 

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all Arin and I ever wanted of you.” 

Under the rays of a warm sun, teacher and student walked into the Monastery together, ready to piece themselves back together. 

[danikamariewrites]

Loved ‘My North Star’ so much!! Now I can’t stop thinking about Cassian with a mate who can wipe the floor with him in combat and he’s like wtf? I have met my match (or superior in this case). If you write a part 2 (which I hope you do!) could you include that? Or write a seperate story?

When The Nightmare Feels Real

Cassian x reader

A/n: So I wanted to write this as the part two originally but I thought adding Cassian’s view of how strong reader is would be good to. Again, thank you for all the love on My North Star! It’s definitely one of my favorite fics I’ve written. I’m very proud of that one.

Warnings: nightmares, worries, and some fluff

Ever since you landed in Velaris Cassian has been amazed by you. He has met his match yet his equal with you. You are everything he has ever wanted in partner. The last year with you has been amazing.

You’re adventurous and strong. But there are times when you haven’t loved your new home. Adjusting to Velaris was hard. As much as you hated your life and siblings, you did miss your home.

Lately you’ve been going through one of those phases where your nightmares were too much. Sleep was impossible once you woke up. Too many times Cassian has found you on the roof staring at the stars. A longing look in your eyes.

He was too scared to do anything but sit there with you. Cassian yearned to pick you up, holding you to his chest as he brought you as close to the stars as possible.

Tonight was one of those nights. Except tonight you weren’t on the roof. Cassian had sensed you up in the training ring. When he pushed open on the door he spotted you fully dressed in your Illyrian leathers that you fixed some of your armor to.

Making as much noise as he could Cassian came to lay down next to you. Your jaw was clenched so tight Cassian could hear your teeth grinding together. You were gripping your hands so tight your knuckles were stark white. It broke Cassian’s heart to see you like this. To see his girl, so strong and sure of herself, become unsure and question herself and abilities.

“What if they come true one day?” Your voice barely above a whisper. “What if he does find this place that I love so much like in my nightmares? And what if I can’t do anything to save you? Or the rest of the family.” A tear slid from the corner of your eye into your hairline.

Cassian sat up, smoothly pulling you on to his lap, smoothing down your hair. “That won’t happen y/n. I’d never let him or anyone hurt you Angel. And no one. No. One. Is taking me from you. That’s a promise.”

You feel his rough fingers gently caress your chin, pulling you to look up at him. “I can fight. Our family can fight. You, my fearless warrior, can fight like I have never seen before. There isn’t a doubt in my mind you couldn’t protect me.” Another silent tear falls down your face.

Cassian wipes them from the apples of your cheeks. He stands, holding out his hand for you. “Get up,” he said softly. You gently place your hand in his calloused one.

As soon as you stand Cassian pulls away getting into a ready fighting position. You shoot him a questioning look. “You wanna do this now?” “Yeah! I’m trying to prove a point babe. Let’s go!” He starts bouncing on the balls of his feet, punching the air.

You shake your head at him getting in your own ready stance. Cassian nods and you nod back signaling the start of your sparring session.

You felt alive and alert. Sparring with Cassian always made you feel better. He knows all the ways to push you to be the best fighter.

Once you had Cassian pinned your scowl turned into a smirk. His point finally hitting home. If you could take down the General of the Night Court you could surely you could take down Castor. With Cassian and the rest of your family standing with you nothing would harm you.

[eris-snow]

7. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐈 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝

Tags: bakugou x fem!reader, juxtaposition, angst, swearing, crying

A life behind the curtain is heaven for some, but for others, it’s utter hell. 

L/n!” Katsuki hollers, ripping the curtain open. “We need to talk—oh.”

Katsuki knows what he sees. He doesn’t like it.

You’re wearing that big hoodie and you’re hiding your face, shivering in a corner with a pack of tissues next to you.

You’re sniffling and shaking like an earthquake hit, and his thoughts immediately go blank.

Uh-oh.

Katsuki has been through a war, died and came back. His heart stopped beating for the love of nachos, and he still can’t handle it when he sees someone cry.

What’s worse is that your breaths are quickening and you’re tearing your hands through your hair as your eyes are shut so tightly he’s afraid they might never open up again.

A tiny sob wrecks your entire body before Katsuki says fuck it and kicks his instincts to gear.

“L/n?” He kneels down, forcing himself to smoothen his tone of its rough edges.

No go. You’re still quivering as frantically as before and he thinks it’s getting worse.

“Y/n, hey—” He reaches out experimentally, but you don’t even flinch at his touch. Nothing he does helps, hell, he’s the worst person to deal with this kind of—

Sunshine.

His mind spat out.

Almost instinctively, his mouth followed suit. “Sunshine.”

To his utter surprise, your head snaps up for him to see your face riddled with tears and snot. Your face says one word: Help.

“Katsuki?” you croke, eyes desperate and breath caught.

He nods, right in front of you. “I’m here.”

Your breath doesn’t slow, but your eyes are on him and he needs to do something. He lets go of the decade-old foolscap and focuses his gaze on you.

“Breathe with me,” he says softly, “I need you to stay with me.”

He works you through the exercise for god knows how long, rubbing circles on your hands and breathing, but it’s finally worth it when your breaths coincide and you look lucid again. It’s especially rewarding when you stop quaking like you’re in a frenzy.

He eases himself on the floor, letting your hands go.

“Better?”

Your nod is shameful, and you can’t bear to look him straight in the eye. You look so embarrassed, hiding your face away and shaking your head like you’ve made a fatal mistake.

“This is—you shouldn’t have seen this,” you finally mutter. “Forget this happened, please—”

“No.” Katsuki’s voice is firm, and it holds such authority that it makes you flinch. “I’m done pretending that whatever the fuck going on is normal. Shit’s been weird, and we’re finally going to talk about it. No diversions, no more secrets.” He grabs the foolscap paper at his side and tosses it to you, eyeing your reaction. “I found this in the library. Seen it before?”

Your silence speaks louder than any words could.

“Thought so. I’ve had a real, shitty week with no fuckin’ sleep and too much coffee to be healthy.” He grits out, hands steaming. He’s fed up, and he has every reason to be after being strung along like an idiot. You’re so frustrating that it’s driving him insane.

“I don’t have a damn clue as to what is going on, but I’m smart enough to know that I’m involved in it. So for the sake of my sanity, tell me what is going on.”

You don’t say anything for a good second. And then, you take a tissue out of the packet beside you, blow your nose, and crumple it up in your hand. You look at him, and you look wrecked. Eyes frost cold, the usual warmth stripped and shredded like a glass shattering on concrete.

“You’ve had a shitty week?” You repeat, voice sharp, enunciating each syllable like the words are foreign to you. It’s such a stark difference from the you that would listen to him earnestly, or reply to his banters ever so snarkily.

“I’m sorry you’ve had a shitty week, Bakugou, and I’m sorry that you’re scarred emotionally because of the war, your kidnapping, and being literally revived on the battlefield. But news flash, everyone probably had a shitty week too! And you don’t see them complaining about it, do you?”

“You wanna know what’s happening? Fine! Where should I start? What about when I found this stupid report, hm? Or that time you told Izuku to take a swan dive off the roof? Oh! How about the day you forgot about me.” You’re practically snarling now, and, oh look, you’re crying again.

“We attended the same piano lessons; best in our academy's and whatever. We skipped stones and traded likes as I listened to you rant obsessively about heroes like a sick puppy dog. You called me Sunshine, you called me your equal. Your ideas, your dreams, your friends, you shared everything with lil’ old me even as we quit music. Where’d you think I know All Might’s successor from?”

“Izuku’s been high profile for a long while now—”

“You told him to suicide because he was Quirkless.” You spit. “I was in that classroom when that happened, the same classroom you told me to get lost in because you didn’t remember me.” You laugh. It’s a bitter, dark, humourless one. “I was so confused. Everyone kept ignoring me and so were you. I kept calling out to you in class and you got so fed up with me, you snapped.”

—

Past (3 years ago): Middle school 2nd year,

“Katsuki.”

The ash blond stopped and looked back, obviously annoyed. “What do you want, extra? Who the fuck are you?”

You looked at him in disbelief, face crumbling as fear, hurt and disbelief seeped into your heart.

“Katsuki, don’t you remember me?”

No. No way. Not you too.

He laughed, low and raspy and god damn mocking that it makes your blood boil. “Who do you think you are, hah? I’ve never seen you in my life. Now get lost—”

“Sunshine, remember? Nuvole Bianche our duet?” You pointed to yourself, getting desperate now. If Katsuki didn’t know you, who would?

“You’re a freak,” He spat, shouldering his bag. “Stay the fuck away from me, creep. Talk to me again, and see what’ll happen.”

You stood there in utter shock, watching as he stalked off with his lackeys who flanked him left, right and back, and in a wave of utter panic you called out to him, just one more time.

But your voice was stolen by the wind, and you didn’t even get a glance as he left you alone in the classroom.

—

Present:

“I couldn’t have known you!” Katsuki’s voice cuts deep, and boy, it stings. ”There’s too many missing holes, someone would have noticed!”

Lashing out is the worst thing you could have done with Katsuki. When you yell, he yells back, and everything escalates until harsh words that can’t be taken back spew from both your lips. You’ve always been good at taking, but it’s a pity that Katsuki finds a way to tear down your mask one way or the other.

You give him a glum smile, the fire in you finally fading as you settle back into your corner.

“If everybody forgets, nobody remembers.”

And because of that, Katsuki’s heart tugs.

Katsuki doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know a thing about your family, have a clue about your past or even how this happened.

So why did he call you Sunshine? Why did he come back and visit you every goddamn day when he has internships, school work, training and so much in between?

Why does he feel like even though he knows nothing about you…

He’s drawn like a moth to a flame to this place just so he can see you again?

You seem to blend a little more into your surroundings as you murmur, no longer shouting but instead coming back to grudging acceptance. “Who am I kidding? You read that catalogue. I’m finished, whether you believe me or not.” You slump down, head tucked in between your knees. “I tried everything.”

“You clearly didn’t.”

You glance up to glare at the blond, opening your mouth to snap back when you catch his eyes.

You’ve forgotten that feeling. That feeling of being really seen, of being heard. That look that you’ve long for the past 3 years…is now the look that is being given by one of the most explosive people on the planet.

Something stirs in your chest but you fight it down. Now isn’t the time for past regrets. Now isn’t the time for feelings.

“You have me now, don’t you?” Katsuki refutes, raising an eyebrow as he swipes the log out of your hands. “For someone who supposedly knew me my entire life, you have balls to underestimate me like that.”

He waves the foolscap in front of your face, a familiar, cocky smirk coiling on his face. “We have alumni, teachers, and I have insane fuckin’ connections. This was written by Invisible Shit and his knight in shining armour? Great.”

“Let’s go find them.”

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother   Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

We were in the backseat Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar "I rent a place on Cornelia Street" I say casually in the car We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away I'd never walk Cornelia Street again I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

Summary: While you are beginning again in Ravka, Kaz Brekker contemplates and reminisces about how you were the one who quietly made a home in his cold heart and is addicted to the terrible ache in his heart that he feels keenly at your absence in his life. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic), Six of Crows x Reader (Platonic). 

Warnings: Pure sweet fluff, humor, lots of angst, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Dregs being legends, Kaz Brekker being an absolute emotionally constipated asshole in denial.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 5 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience and understanding! I’ve written this chapter from Kaz’ POV explaining his feelings and thoughts because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time and it was a challenge but I finally did it! 

I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 4 -  Someone to Stay

Ketterdam was dark and dismal full of hidden secrets and monsters in the shadows. The city was built on blood and secrets and no one knew that better than the man who now ruled it, Kaz Brekker. 

As Kaz Brekker strode through the crowded streets of Ketterdam filled with gullible pigeons and hungry monsters, he felt empty and alone. It was a feeling now he knew all too well though he tried to ignore it. The feeling ached and hurt him in places he didn’t know he had for the last few weeks. Kaz felt terrible these days, his mood completely sour and ill - tempered than usual frightening the Dregs, hurting his enemies and concerning his friends. Kaz couldn’t sleep the last few weeks as he tossed and turned restlessly in his empty and cold bed and in the rare moments he sunk into a fitful slumber, he was dreamt of you and woke up with sweat running down his forehead and gasps. 

In the moments of sleep, he dreamt of you. The dreams always started the same way... there you were smiling at him as he reached for you, as he pressed a hungry kiss onto your sweet lips devouring you eagerly as both of you indulged in happiness and love that was only yours. But it would all fall down when the thick darkness began to envelope their surroundings and though they tried to escape it, you both would be caught in it, trapped within a dark and deserted place where nothing grew. Kaz remembered feeling your hand brush against his in the darkness. It wouldn’t make sense but suddenly the darkness would thin out slightly and they were both alone in a ship that had been wrecked as a storm poured down on them. In his dream, Kaz and you were trying to find a way out of the ship wreck but out of the blue, a shadowy figure shoots at Kaz but the bullet never reaches Kaz. Kaz wonders why he is unharmed as he realizes that in the cold of the stormy night, you had wrapped yourself around him and taken the bullet for him. Kaz watches you bleed as the life drained away from your eyes and the storm drowns you and he loses you. 

He hates this feeling of helplessness and fear he feels when he wakes up and realizes it isn’t real, it was just a nightmare but it hurts more when it hits him that you aren’t around to quiet his fears with the gentleness in your eyes and the touch of your hand. 

Since you left Ketterdam, the days dragged on and time seemed to pass by completely slowly infuriating Kaz who was haunted by you and took out his anger on everyone else. Everyone in Ketterdam feared him more than ever, and the Crows were praying for your swift return. 

Kaz remembered the first time he had seen you. It was a moment he would never forget. 

The cold season was oncoming and the Crows had heard of stories of the number of children increased in Ketterdam who were shivering in the cold, starving and had no shelter. As they made their way to the Slat that provided them warmth as they talked and laughed, Jesper’s eyes had landed on a girl dressed in a shabby and raggedy dress standing on the dirty and wet street with baskets in her arms as she stared at him hungrily. 

Jesper was used to people staring at him. Everyone stared at him in admiration, fear, awe and lust and Jesper loved it. But Jesper had never felt anyone stare at him hungrily with a wistful look. It made him feel sad as he met your hungry and starved eyes that stared at him greedily and thought that you were one of those poor beggar children who had nothing to eat and no one to go to. It never occurred to him that you had been staring at him hungrily because you were greedy and starving for the warm and happy life he led with his friends, the laughter and mischievousness that glittered in his kind eyes and that you just wanted to go back to the better days where you had your brother by your side, and everything was just perfect and unspoiled. Jesper only saw your ragged clothes, hungry eyes, skinny figure that shivered in the cold. 

And that’s why Jesper thrust his hand into his pocket and took the money he had been meaning to gamble and took off his coat as well as he walked toward you with kindness “Here you go, dear. Take this money and my coat. It’ll keep you warm.”

You had been startled and alarmed as you realized the boy with a warm and sunny disposition you had been staring at had mistaken you for a beggar girl and you realized you looked like one of the shabby and skinny poor children, the ones you had always been generous to back at home. The realization hit you like a hurricane with humiliation as you grew red and then deathly white in embarrassment as you thought of how far you had fallen down from grace. 

And that’s why you broke into a laugh because you were close to crying as you exclaimed your heart touched at the boy’s kindness because all your time spent in Ketterdam, kindness had been very rare to you “Oh no! Oh no, thank you! I must refuse!”

The Crows who had been watching the scene unfold, waiting for Jesper patiently looked in intrigue and interest at you. Kaz raised his head to truly look at you because it was your voice that had interested all of them especially him as he took a few steps forward to listen to you. You did not speak in a manner of an ordinary street child but your manners belonged to a girl who was well bred and raised in a good household. A manner of a princess, mused Kaz as he looked at you intently. 

But Jesper was not to be moved away as he placed his coat over you and put the money in the palm of your hand with kindness etched on his face “You mustn’t refuse! Don’t worry, I have plenty of coats and trust me, this one will keep you really warm. And you must use this money to buy food. If there’s anything you need from me, just ask for Jesper at the Crow Club.”

You saw something so kind and generous in his face that you knew to refuse would break his heart and you didn’t want to disappoint him. So you tightened the very warm coat around you and gratefully accepted the kruge from Jesper who grinned happily though your pride felt stung and your cheeks burned bitterly. You had known that you looked weary and shabby but until now you didn’t know you looked like a beggar girl. 

His grin reminded you so much of your brother and his kindness was such a beautiful thing that you choked on a sob of humiliation and pain, reminiscence and happiness as you flung your arms around him “Thank you! Thank you so much! You are such a kind, sweet and generous darling boy!”

And with those words, you let go of Jesper who smiled happily and you left feeling warm. Kaz’ eyes widened at your response as Jesper skipped back towards them with a happy grin and Kaz reprimanded Jesper “Jesper! Why did you do that? That girl is not a beggar! She didn’t speak like a beggar or look like a beggar!”

“And she didn’t beg. I thought she would be angry with you. Sometimes, it makes people angry to be taken for beggars when they are not.” said Inej who felt sympathetic for you but she agreed with Kaz because there had been something very different about her. 

“She wasn’t angry.” replied Jesper dismayed at his friends reactions but firm in what he had done and happy because he had made a difference in your life as he smiled widely “She was very happy. She laughed and hugged me and said I was a kind, sweet and generous darling boy! And I was!”

Kaz and Inej exchanged thoughtful glances as Kaz felt mystified by you and said “An ordinary beggar girl would have never said that. They would have just accepted the money and thanked you quickly or even respectfully bobbed a curtesy.”

From that moment on, Kaz Brekker was profoundly interested in you. Not just Kaz Brekker but the Crows and nearly all of the Dregs. You knew nothing of this new interest in you and never appeared at the Crow Club seeking Jesper Fahey but whenever you passed the Slat in your broken shoes and worn out clothes, your hair tucked with a ribbon, faces would appear at the window to take a good look at you, many discussions concerning you were held and you were nicknamed at the girl who is not a beggar. It was hilarious when the Dregs said it in a hurry. 

Inej who had followed you and found information about you, told Kaz and Jesper about you “She is alone in Ketterdam. She doesn’t have anybody - she’s an orphan. She’s kind of a servant at the Van Eck mansion. She runs errands, carries parcels and does anything they tell her to.”

Inej’s anger was evident as she spoke fiercely, her hands clenched “They work her to the bone - sending her on long and tiresome errands without any proper clothing. And they punish her, hit her and deprive her of food and starve her and she doesn’t even have a proper place to sleep.”

Jesper looked like he was one second away from marching to the Van Eck mansion and getting you out of there but Inej wasn’t done as she continued “But she’s really strong. She’s friends with a crow that comes to her window and a rat in her room that she tamed.”

Jesper started laughing in amusement and wonder as his eyes gleamed in fondness “Oh! She’s odd that one but I believe I am beginning to like her!”

Kaz hid the little smile that threatened to burst at the thought of you taming and being friends with animals as he listened to Inej “And as for people who are nice to her... the Van Eck boy and her are friends. He’s the only one who is nice to her in that house.”

“What? You mean, Van Eck’s son is friends with the girl who isn’t a beggar?” asked Jesper in interest and intrigue as he snorted in amusement while Kaz sat up in interest “What? Does his daddy know?”

“No. The visits are secret and very rare. The Van Eck boy comes to her room at night whenever it’s safe, with food and books. And she reads to him and tells him stories and they talk and pretend that the attic she lives in is somewhere nicer. But she’s not a beggar.”

Kaz listened to this in rapt attention as he thought of you braving your unbearable life with a vivid imagination and determination. Perhaps that’s when Kaz had begun to like her unbeknownst to him.

The next time Kaz saw you was when he was on his way to the Slat after a negotiation and he spotted your dark mane of hair tied with a narrow ribbon as you slipped through the crowd and something in him ignited fiercely as he followed you quietly in interest. This day was a wretched one. His leg ached bitterly but he followed you nevertheless as he observed you were dressed in a dark blue dress that had grown shabbier and worn out, your shoes were downtrodden and wet with water that filled it, the coat around your shoulders was Jesper’s, your face pinched and starved and cold with blue and your heavy thick mane of dark hair was tied in a narrow ribbon. 

That day was wretchedly freezing and dreary, the street wet and sloppy and Kaz observed how the wind tried to drag the coat Jesper had given you as you waded through the mud, the water filling your broken shoes. Although Kaz knew of your position in the Van Eck household, he truly did not know the extent to which the ill tempered and depressed staff treated you as a slave driving you on errands on the worst days. Kaz didn’t know that today of all days, you were trying to keep away the thoughts of your ravenous hunger by thinking of more pleasant and lovelier thoughts of being in dry and beautiful clothes, eating the most delicious food in the company of those whom you loved the best. He did not know for you, your imagination and making up stories and pretending was your way of coping and being strong in the hell of this city. 

Kaz observed you stop at a bakery as you stared hungrily at the pastries, buns and cakes on display when your attention seemed to shift to a little beggar boy with untamable wild curly hair, a pale face with big hungry eyes and dirty clothes as he wrapped himself with rags to keep warm from the freezing cold. The boy was younger than Kaz himself and Kaz observed you talk softly and kindly to the boy for a few moments, your lips nearly blue from the cold. Kaz waited in the shadows as he saw you finish the conversation with the little hungry boy and look at him with an odd look in your eyes. 

Kaz watched keenly as you entered the bakery where you were greeted by a friendly and kind boy with unruly brown hair and watched you point for three waffles. The nice and warm ones that had just been made. Kaz quietly watched the baker boy throw in five waffles in the bag for you and you seemed to point his mistake to Kaz’ surprise. Kaz wondered why you wouldn’t just take it and leave when you were so hungry. But the baker boy just smiled kindly and gave the bag to you as you stumbled out of the bakery and look at the little boy who seemed to be crying in suffering and starvation. 

Kaz urged you to leave. You had what you wanted, there was no time for you to think about others. 

But to his great shock, you knelt down before the boy as you gently smiled at him and handed him one waffle. The boy looked at you in amazement as if you had performed a miracle and began to eat it up wildly as if he was afraid that the waffle would vanish any time if he didn’t devour it up soon. Kaz was frozen in shock as he watched you place the rest of the waffles in the little beggar boy’s hands as you said something kind to the boy and ruffled his hair. The savage beggar boy was too hungry to give thanks as you left him to eat knowing that he was starving and the beggar boy looked up to see the vanishing figure of you at the end of the street. 

Kaz didn’t know why but he knew that you could have eaten up all five waffles without hesitation. He had seen it in your eyes. And yet, you had sacrificed it for this poor child you barely knew. As he reflected on his thoughts, curiosity got the better of him as he strode toward the boy. 

“Who gave you those waffles?”

The boy nodded toward your vanishing figure and Kaz queried curiously “What did she say to you?”

The boy looked at Kaz distrustfully but answered “Asked me if I was ‘ungry.”

“What did you say?”

“Said I had nothin to eat.”

“And then she bought the waffles and gave it to you?”

The boy nodded and although Kaz knew the answer, he had to hear it from the boy’s mouth “How many?”

“Five.”

Something in Kaz’ seemed to ignite at the answer. He had seen it was five but he couldn’t quite believe that the girl would be so stupid, self - sacrificing and kind to give the food she could have sustained herself with to a complete stranger who she didn’t know. It was absolutely an act of stupidity to Kaz and yet it moved and touched Kaz in a way it had not before. Ketterdam was a city known for cruelty and exploitation with darkness of the hearts spreading through it like a disease but this girl had proven that her heart was a ray of sunshine, the kindness and goodness in her soul was still not snatched by this city even though she faced the worst trials of adversity. 

Kaz felt himself transported to his childhood where Jordie and him were completely poor and hungry. How different would their lives have been if there had been someone like her, someone who had been willing to share and listen to their woes and someone who had been completely good and kind to them without expectations and conditions. 

Kaz thought of your hungry eyes and cold figure. He knew you had wanted those waffles. He knew that you could have eaten all of those waffles and even more but instead you chose to give it to a little boy who was hungrier and colder than you were. 

Perhaps your act of goodness stirred something in his cold heart because Kaz inquired “Are you still hungry?”

“I’m always ‘ungry. But it ain’t half that bad now.”

Kaz was inspired by your little act of goodness that was enormous in his eyes as the next few words slipped his mouth “Go to the Crow Club and tell them Kaz Brekker sent you to be looked after by Inej Ghafa. She’ll help you get yourself warm and give you something to eat.”

The little urchin got up and obeyed because he didn’t care what was happening or what happened next as long as he was given a place where warmth and food was supplied. As Kaz looked at the little urchin leaving, he realized that he had done this for your sake and he decided to follow you because now he had started to see you, he couldn’t stop. 

Kaz found himself at the Van Eck household where he saw you entering it with baskets and parcels in your hands, completely exhausted. 

Kaz hid among the bushes having a good vantage point to see everything going on as he saw Van Eck accompanied by his son, both of them dressed in warm clothing as they sat at a table full of warm food with books scattered on it as Van Eck who was in a foul temper scolded the quiet son. 

When you entered the garden, you ran into Van Eck who was already in a savage temper as he snapped “Where were you? You have been wasting time, lingering out and about for hours.”

Kaz noticed how tired you looked but you still managed to reply faintly and politely “It was wet and muddy. It was hard to walk because my shoes were so bad and slippery.”

“Do not lie. You shall go without dinner tonight.” stated Van Eck savagely while his son turned quite pale. 

“I have had nothing to eat since this week.” Kaz heard you reply in a faint and low voice and felt himself tremble in savage anger. 

“Then all the better! You shall have no breakfast, lunch or dinner tomorrow either! That will teach you how to behave like a proper servant!” 

Kaz was certain you were trembling in hunger and cold as you grew pale and on the verge of breaking down when the son spoke up softly yet boldly “Father, please! She’s just a girl. You cannot starve -”

Van Eck slapped his son so hard that the boy nearly stumbled back and you gasped in horror and fear while Kaz watched in curiosity “You will speak when you are spoken to! Have you no pride? She is not a girl, she is a servant and she will be treated as so! Truly, Wylan, you disappoint me with that soft heart of yours. Go to your room and think about yourself. Have you never thought of what I think of you and try to become someone that I can be proud of?”

Wylan’s eyes were misty but it was your face that caught Van Eck’s attention. It had caught Kaz’ attention too for your face was serious and solemn, quiet and sad as you fixed your eyes on Van Eck who glared at you fiercely. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Kaz’ eyes were on you as you stood steadfast and fearless in front of Van Eck as you answered quietly “I was thinking.”

By the expression on Van Eck’s face, Kaz realized that he had dealt with situations like this with you before as he demanded “Thinking of what? Beg my pardon for thinking.”

“I shall not beg your pardon for thinking.” you replied honestly as Kaz’ looked at you, your expression serious and sad as you replied quietly “I was thinking of what my father would think and do if he knew where I was today.”

Kaz’ saw Van Eck go red and then a dangerous purple as he flew at you and shook you violently, slapping your cheek and boxing your ears as you gasped in pain from the endless blows you received as Van Eck ignored Wylan’s protests as he snapped “You insolent child! How dare you be so impolite to your employer!”

There was a fire of fury that ignited in Kaz as he watched you take the blows in agony and pain as you hid back your tears. When Van Eck was finished with you, your cheeks were red and smarting and there was a slight wound from the blows you received but Kaz’ felt curious and awed as he saw your eyes were bright as stars as you let out a little amused laugh that shocked Van Eck who saw that you were not frightened by him. 

Kaz felt curiosity stir as he watched you in amazement as you laughed and then bobbed a mocking curtesy “Excuse me for laughing if it is impolite but I cannot help it when there is a clown in front of me.”

Kaz couldn’t help but grin at her daring sassiness as she ran away leaving Van Eck struggling with his rage and Wylan hiding a small smile as his eyes lingered on her vanishing figure. 

That day, as Kaz sat in his office in the Slat, he thought of your tight and pinched face, your starved and hungry eyes that held determination and thoughtfulness in them and your quiet polite manners and daring bravery. Kaz was fascinated by you from the moment he had seen you. You reminded him of a girl in his childhood. You were vastly different from this girl but yet there was something about you that reminded him of the girl back in his village Lij. 

Everyone called her the Little Empress. She was the daughter of a rich and respected man who was a businessman in Ketterdam. Her father kept her in the grand mansion and there were many stories and rumors about her and her dangerous father that Jordie used to tell Kaz to pass the time because Kaz was fascinated by the fairytale life they lived. Kaz remembers the times he did catch rare glimpses of her and believed that the name Little Empress fitted her. 

Kaz had seen her traveling in a carriage with her father as she held onto his arm. Kaz had seen her hand in hand with her father, surrounded by elegant governesses and intimidating men and women as they walked through the village commanding respect. Kaz’ eyes widened in awe and wonder every time he glimpsed her, for she looked very pretty and beautiful in her velvet dresses trimmed with furs, lace and satin dresses with puffed sleeves, lovely hats, ermine coats and muffs and tiny gloves that fitted her little hands, handkerchiefs and silk stockings that Kaz heard the villagers whisper that the little girl had a wardrobe that was much too grand for a child of seven. Kaz had learned the father was a gangster from his father but fond of his little girl and wanted his child to have everything he admired and everything he admired himself. Jordie murmured that though she had everything, the little girl was not spoiled because once Jordie had bumped into her on an errand and when she had seen Jordie cold and shivering, she had offered her silk scarf and her cloak and insisted on buying him a hot meal and food for his family as well. Kaz had never spoken to the Little Empress but all he knew of her is that she lived grandly with a gangster father who spoiled her, governesses who taught her everything she needed to know and people who protected her. 

Though Kaz barely remembers much of his life in his village, one of the memories he does remember is meeting the gangster, the father of the Little Empress who visited their farm to buy a horse for his daughter. Kaz’ father knew the gangster through casual acquaintance for both men had fondness and affection for horses and greeted the gangster excited about finding a horse for his daughter. They both walked around as Kaz’ father talked about the special qualities of each horse but the gangster was waiting for the right horse. 

Kaz and Jordie left their village after their father’s death and a week after that, they heard that the gangster’s house was burned to ashes with everyone in it and there was no possibility of any survivors. Kaz had thought of the Little Empress burning in the fire and had felt a pit of sadness grow at the thought of the gangster and the pretty Little Empress dying in the fire. Their faces were now blurry to him but he still remembered the excitement and amazement he felt every time he caught a glimpse of her. 

You were not like the Little Empress at all. You were dirty, shabby, poor and worn out. But there was something in your manner that reminded him of the Little Empress. Something bold and kind, smart and resilient that impressed Kaz who was lost in thoughts of you. 

Kaz kept an eye out for you but after a while, you stopped passing by the Slat and Crow Club with parcels and baskets in your arms. Kaz waited for you to pass by the Slat and Crow Club but as days went by, your presence did not grace them and the Dregs felt worried about the girl who was not a beggar. Kaz hid all the worry as he sent Inej to look out for you but you had disappeared from Ketterdam. Kaz felt something in him sink in dark pain when Inej bought back the news that she couldn’t find you anywhere as he realized that you had not survived the cruelty and mercilessness of Ketterdam. After your disappearance, the Van Eck boy mysteriously disappeared as well. Though Kaz, Inej and Jesper searched valiantly for you, their efforts were in vain because you were nowhere to be found and no one knew of where you were. 

After many months after your disappearance, Kaz Brekker who was working on a heist regarding taking down one of the prominent gangs that abducted young children heard stories and rumors of an infamous spy and an intelligent detective who could find anyone no matter how far they ran and how hard they tried to hide away from the rest of the world. This spy was a shadow, an enigma and a mystery that had no name but many people in Ketterdam owed their lives to this spy because this spy would take any job given to them and do it successfully with style. This was a unique spy different from the ones who dominated Ketterdam. This spy took on cases of murder, missing children, abusive households, exposing corruption and helped people with their skillset. The stories and rumors boasted of a spy who was dangerous, uncatchable, intelligent and always one step ahead of those who thought they had the spy in a trap. 

Kaz searched for this ruthless and smart spy endlessly because it was rumored they were working on the same case as him and secondly their skillset could be valuable to him. Finally, you got into a fight with one of the Dregs leaving him seriously injured. Kaz who had seen the injuries on his Dreg decided to find you once and for all as he send Inej, Jesper and Nina to inquire and found out that you occasionally hung out at a particular pub where people knew your identity but protected you. He learned that you went by name Pandora Silvertongue in the profession.   

Kaz remembered stepping into the bar that belonged to the boy with unruly hair that had been kind to you that day. The boy had now upgraded his bar to a dining and drinking pub where the patrons were drinking and eating, laughing and singing like strangled cats while the boy smiled as he poured them more drinks. 

When the boy with unruly hair saw Kaz, Inej and Jesper enter, his eyes widened in recognition and fear and Kaz announced in a steely voice that was not to be challenged “Is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?” 

Everyone was quiet in fear and fright as no one dared to breath and Jesper took one of his revolvers and shot it to the air startling the patrons who screamed in fear as Kaz announced once again with authority “I said is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?”

The private room of the bar opened up as a girl with a spring in her step, color in her cheeks stepped out calmly as her eyes glinted with understanding and fearlessness. Kaz’, Inej’ and Jesper’s  eyes widened in shock and amazement as they recognized you, the girl who was not a beggar who they had thought disappeared from Ketterdam but here you were alive and well. 

Kaz could feel his breath quicken as his eyes never left you who was dressed in a fine dark blue dress as you looked at the Crows and then at the bartender with authority that you commanded naturally “Steve, get them a drink. Everyone else go home.”

Everyone obeyed your command as they immediately stumbled out of the bar. You seated yourself at a table carelessly and elegantly without extending an invitation to the Crows to join you because you showed no signs of fearing them while Steve poured fine whisky for all of them as you had ordered. 

When Steve finished pouring the drinks, you looked at the bartender with a quiet gleam in your eyes “You go home.”

“But -”

“I said go home.” you said in a calm and quiet voice but everyone understood you shouldn’t be challenged as Steve cast a good protective and concerned look at you and scuttled to the back. 

You lit a cigarette airily and carelessly as you looked at Kaz Brekker as if he was nothing special who was still recovering from his shock and Jesper broke the silence with a grin “The girl who is not a beggar! It’s you! We were so worried about you! We thought you had died - or disappeared but you look so awesome!”

You smiled slightly but before you could reply, Kaz spoke sharply in a hard tone “So I suppose you are the infamous Pandora Silvertongue because you are looking up and down at me like you aren’t afraid of me.”

You merely smiled as you replied calmly and quietly taking a puff of your cigarette “I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.”

But before Kaz could say anything, Jesper jumped in “We’re so glad you are alright. We were worried about you, you know? I mean, we used to make up stories and theories about who you were. You probably don’t remember me -”

“Jesper Fahey from the Crow Club.” you said with a genuine smile as you nodded at him “I never forget anyone who has been kind to me. Thank you for being warm and kind on one of the many dark days I had.”

“Oh... it was nothing.”

“No, it was something. It was something extraordinary.” you replied with a genuinely warm and grateful smile as Jesper felt appreciated and happy. 

“I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.” you replied calmly and quietly as you took a puff of your cigarette. “What are you doing here?”

“Your name is Pandora Silvertongue. In the past few months, you have earned a reputation for being a dangerous spy and an intelligent detective who no one can hide anything from. You also tutor Ketterdam students. You’ve made yourself more enemies than friends. You’re in danger.” informed Kaz calmly with a deadpanned expression as he gazed at you skeptically and perceptively. 

“You’ve done your research but you are still not answering my question.” you replied in amusement as you dabbed your cigarette into the ashtray 

Kaz saw you raise your eyebrows at him and intrigue spark in your eyes as he began “A few weeks ago, someone started to capture Dregs. Not just any Dregs, female Dregs were targeted, lured into isolated areas, tortured and killed. Their eyes were gouged and hearts were ripped out and after three murders, a note was left at the fourth murder.”

You listened to Kaz who handed you the information on the murders as you looked through the papers “This is all the information we have on the killer. We’ve tried to follow and keep tabs on each Dreg but there is little progress. We need to know who the killer is so we can take him down.”

“I need to examine the bodies of the victims and visit the location of each murder to determine the behavioral patterns of the victims and murderers, preferably with one of you so I can role play and get inside their minds.” you replied thoughtfully as you flipped through each page quickly while Kaz nodded “Was the murder weapon left at the scene?”

“No. Who would be stupid enough to do that?” laughed Jesper rolling his eyes at you. 

“Killers who enjoy the thrill of the chase. To them, killing isn’t just a crime, it’s an emotional release and enjoyment.” you replied as you ran your hand through your hair, your face full of concentration and focus making you oddly attractive to Kaz “Was anything taken away from the victims when they were found?”

“Their weapons.” answered Kaz curtly 

“Well, I’ll look into everything about these girls. From their family backgrounds, traumas, how they were recruited, special skills, who they were close to and their daily routines. I also look into their autopsy reports.” you stated firmly as you closed the file and looked at an unreadable Kaz, a hopeful Inej and amazed Jesper who listened attentively to you and you were silent for a few moments as you read the note “But I can tell you this about the killer from the note.”

Kaz leaned slightly forward in interest as he waited in anticipation “Did you ever wonder why there was a note left on the fourth murder? It’s because the first three killings didn’t get the attention he wanted it to. So, to get the glory and revel in it, the killer left the note. What he doesn’t know is... he also left clues as to how to find him.”

Kaz raised his eyebrows because he couldn’t quite believe you had found clues regarding the killer so soon but he nodded at you to continue. 

“From what you told me about the killer, he is not confident enough to initiate social contact so he lures them into isolation. Look at the letters, the style of writing - not confident enough but charming enough to be trustworthy. Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants. The writer’s handwriting shows signs of emotional repression and violence. And the pressure if you look closely is excessively heavy which shows that he is uptight hiding trauma and can easily overreact with excessive violence.” you stated in one breath as you gestured to the handwriting in the letter while Kaz looked at you in hidden wonder and admiration, impressed by your intelligence. 

Jesper was the first one to find his tongue “You got all that from his handwriting?”

“Handwriting is an indicator of personality and behavior. It symbolizes your emotions at the given time just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling and speaking.” you replied smartly while Kaz processed this new information “But the interesting thing about this note is - it’s a line from a Kaelish poem. It says ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, tell no more lies about who you are.’”

Inej looked at Kaz and Jesper and then at you thoughtfully as she offered “So then, we are looking for someone Kaelish, well versed in literature, educated, narcistic and organized?”

You looked at Kaz confidently and smartly, with a grim glint in your eyes “I would cut off Kaelish. This person wants you to narrow it down to Kaelish people. Right now, you are looking for someone who knows the language of Kaelish, who is well - versed in literature, violent when provoked, smart and organized and charming and trustworthy and someone who needs to be in control. This was a person all these three girls knew and trusted... and maybe, it’s someone you know too. Someone who knows the procedures of the Dregs and how things work in there. This was someone who stalked each girl, observed the times she did everything, places she went to, people she talked to and organized the crime accordingly.” 

“So we cannot eliminate the possibility that it might be one of the Dregs.” replied Kaz calmly as he thought of the possible suspects and the people who the three girls had in common. 

“No. In fact, I believe you might have even met the killer, perhaps offering condolences for the deaths of the girls or trying to help in any way they can to find them. Keep a sharp eye and trust no one.” you replied sharply and grimly and then after a long moment of silence, your lips curved into a smile “How do you feel about the violin?”

Kaz, Jesper and Inej exchanged surprised glances because that was the last question they expected “What?”

“Well, I play the violin when I’m thinking. Will that be a problem? I also need a large space to pace about, I’m a coffee addict and I don’t talk for days on end and sometimes I talk to myself because I’m the only one in the room who makes sense. Will that bother you? Potential colleagues should know the worst about each other.” you stated easily and calmly with a charming and sweet smile as you finished the last of your whisky. 

Jesper and Inej exchanged amused glances at how Kaz looked surprised at you taking charge and twisting the conversation to surprise him as he replied “Colleagues? Who said anything about becoming a Dreg?”

“I did. Told Nina Zenik day before yesterday over waffles that I must be a difficult and dangerous woman to work with because Pekka Rollins’ has his eye on me because I just took down one of the slavers. Now here her employer is... Kaz Brekker, the Lieutenant of the Dregs, the owner of the Crow Club, clearly wanting to get to me before Rollins does by testing me to see if I am worthy of his time and investment and lives up to Zenik’s word.” you said casually and nonchalantly as if the answer had been simple enough for anyone to understand and Kaz wondered if you had set this up on purpose as he watched you stand up and put your coat on “It isn’t really a difficult conclusion.”

Jesper grinned “I really like her.”

Inej grinned wider as she nodded “Yeah, I really like her too.”

“I’ll be in contact. I need to establish my investigation so I’ll be moving in as a bar girl and Brekker’s secretary tomorrow. That way, I can discreetly find out about what happened to the girls and who they associated with and perhaps even lure out the killer.” you replied briskly in a composed and matter - of - fact voice that Kaz did not like because he was the boss as you moved across the room swiftly “I don’t need a room, I have my own place so I won’t be around for that. I’ll meet you in the evening around at five to go check the victims and locations. Sorry, got to dash... have important things to do.”

Kaz was surprised at the nonchalance and fearlessness you held toward him and the way you treated him as your equal as he called out “Is that it?”

“Is that what?” you inquired politely as you stopped mid - step to look at Kaz in curiosity. 

“Well, we just met and now you are part of the Dregs without my permission?” replied Kaz smartly in a deadly and dangerous voice as he looked at you coldly while Inej and Jesper exchanged amused looks because Kaz seemed to have met his match.  

You didn’t seem fazed at all, in fact you seemed surprised and amused “Problem?”

“We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we are meeting this evening and I suspect Pandora Silvertongue isn’t your real name.” replied Kaz smoothly and smartly as he raised his eyebrows at her with a smirk because he had to admit she had the nerve and daring combined with her intelligence and curiosity which felt oddly attractive to Kaz. 

“I know you are the Lieutenant of the Dregs, Kaz Brekker. I know you sent the Wraith to follow me yesterday. I know that Per Haskell is a puppet and you are the puppet master who one day hopes to be the leader of the Dregs but is waiting for the opportune moment. I know that you are an orphaned farm boy who was raised outside of Ketterdam in a village judging by the hint of the rural accent that is audible under your Kerch. I know you came to Ketterdam with someone you loved dearly -  the last of your family members - perhaps an older sibling. Since you are standing here alone, I know that your older sibling must have died in the firepox plague that overwhelmed Ketterdam but somehow you managed to survive and climb up the ladder in the streets, developing an aversion to touch, trust issues, avoidance of friendships, hyper vigilance, protectiveness toward Jesper who possibly reminds of your sibling by the way you look at him and reprimand him and hunger for revenge. You think the world is out to get you and you are distrustful of every single person you come into contact with because you were let down by someone you cared about. You like to think you are detached from weakness but you do care... and the reason I know that is you permanently marked yourself with that tattoo on your wrist... R... it stands for something personal... perhaps a name of someone you care about with love or hate... a reminder to you. I know that you like to pretend you are different from the rest of the criminals in the Barrel by dressing up in black like a mercher and distinguishing yourself away from them but the gloves - they hide something - perhaps your touch aversion? I know your limp is psychosomatic. And just one mention of Pekka Rollins, your face is filled with hatred but you are not competing with him for power - no, your eyes are filled with revenge. It’s personal and you intend to be the last man standing.” 

Kaz’ eyes widened as you began your explanation and analysis of him and he felt completely exposed and slightly frightened when you deducted and observed his weaknesses and shames that the world did not see because he hid it so well from them. Kaz couldn’t breath as he listened to you cleverly and calmly rattle out facts about him that no one else knew but seemed completely transparent and obvious to you and when you finished, Kaz’ knees were slightly wobbly and his grip on his cane was tight as he looked at you with something akin to fear and reverence in his heart. 

Inej and Jesper exchanged slightly anxious looks as they looked at Kaz who had gone completely pale and you grinned and winked at the three of them “That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you’ve earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

Kaz had been shaken to the core and had wondered how you knew about these personal things. The next time he had met you to help you with your investigate, he had been completely cold and threatening as he demanded how you found out his secrets but you simply explained your observations that had led you to conclude your deductions about him. Those observations were sharp and clever, things that the rest of the world were stupid enough to ignore and it had shocked Kaz you were clever and sharp enough to pick up on those little things. 

Though Kaz hadn’t liked how you had first approached him, he understood your value as a person and a member of the Dregs immediately. He knew that he could not let you go because there were a dozen more powerful and cruel men who were willing to get their hands on you and use you unkindly to their advantage. Kaz had enough information on the city to know that Pekka Rollins had a keen eye on your talents and wanted you all to himself. And Kaz was not going to let a dangerous and talented girl like you be Pekka’s property. 

“That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you've earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

You worked undercover as a bargirl and Kaz’ secretary for two weeks in the Crow Club and the Slat. Kaz noticed that you wasted no time in charming everyone and making friends with people who warmed up to you and opened their hearts, confiding their deepest and darkest secrets to you. You were an efficient and effective hard worker who never gave anyone reason to doubt that you were a spy as you observed and worked on the case. There were times you would drive Kaz crazy with your endless playing of the violin at midnight when you needed to think, your coffee addiction that was worse than his and you muttering under your breath, spouting completely random but interesting facts that surprised everyone out of nowhere and sometimes completely zoning out lost in thought ignoring his presence. Kaz found it truly annoying and exasperating but Inej, Nina and Jesper who were slightly patient with you found it amusing that Kaz had found someone worse than him. 

Through his time with you,  Kaz couldn’t believe you were real. Whenever you presented developments in the investigation, there were somethings such an elegant intelligence and raw thought that he had never seen in anyone else. He always would be surprised by your findings because you would up with observations that no one else would think of and was surprisingly accurate. Kaz never showed it but he was in awe of your intelligence and wondered where you had trained your mind to be like this and learned all these things. 

You had found the killer soon enough and suspected that Anika would be the next target. What you hadn’t expected the killer to do was twist his plan and take Inej hostage. Kaz and Jesper had set out to find the killer with the Dregs with your help and you were ordered to stay out of the line of fighting. But the killer had been too smart for Kaz and Jesper planning own traps for them forcing them to watch when he tried to torture Inej under the impression that Inej was Pandora Silvertongue. 

Jesper was full on panicking “PLEASE! LET HER GO! SHE’S NOT PANDORA SILVERTONGUE!”

The killer laughed as he looked at Jesper who was trying to break free “I don’t believe you.”

“You should you know. Pandora Silvertongue is nothing like her.” came a cocky and confident voice out of the dark shadows alarming everyone and getting the attention of the killer.

Inej let out a gasp, Jesper looked around in amazement and shock at your voice that had echoed out of the darkness and Kaz swore his heart jumped out of his chest in alarm and relief with overwhelming emotion that he could not describe. 

“How would you describe her, Mr. Brekker? Beautiful? Intelligent? Resourceful?” your voice asked from the distinct darkness as Kaz had tried to look around trying to search where you possibly might be hiding. 

Kaz had muttered “Disobedient.”

The killer who was one of the new Dregs grinned maniacally “Then you know what I want, don’t you, Silvertongue?”

You had answered as you had taken down one man through the darkness “I believe I do.”

The killer was maniacal at this point as he called out for you as he flashed his knife with a grin when you had appeared out of nowhere and hit the killer with a large brick on his head making the killer fall onto the floor in an unconscious heap as you had rolled your eyes at the killer “Moron.”

You had saved Inej, Jesper and Kaz in time much to their relief. Kaz had seen enough proof that you were worthy of being in the Dregs and offered you a position of the spy in part of the Dregs. You had accepted and from then on, the Crow Club and the Slat had become your home. You had become a loyal ally, a talented spy who was excellent at your job and a close friend to Kaz. Soon Kaz trusted you with the most important missions that you completed brilliantly, valued you as an important part of the Crows and began to see you as a close friend who he liked. 

Kaz prided himself on being someone who had a control over his emotions. After all, he was the most feared man in Ketterdam and his stoic and cold nature required a certain level of control. But when Kaz was with you, he felt something warm flood within him whenever you smiled at him reassuringly and teasingly, he found himself becoming a boy who craved to feel the flutter of his heart whenever you laughed at his dark and dry sense of humor, the reassurance he felt when you stayed up late with him planning heists and cleaning messes after parties. He found his eyes searching for you in the crowded Crow Club and lingering on you for a moment too long as he gazed at your charming and charismatic demeanor that enchanted him. He found your company enjoyable as both of you walked the streets of Ketterdam from the harbor to the marketplace to the Slat and you chatted enthusiastically about anything on your mind as he found himself listening in fondness as he memorized the expressions of your face. He looked forward to the nights where both of you would sit on the roof together gazing at the view of Ketterdam and looking up at the stars as you both shared bottles of whisky and laughed and confided your insecurities, wildest dreams, deepest secrets and untold thoughts to each other as he felt a connection of understanding and trust he had never felt with anyone else. 

Kaz remembered when one day Jesper had dragged him to one of his games where they had to disguise themselves and fool as many Dregs as possible. Kaz and you had been friendly competitive rivals as Kaz promised to beat you in the game. But he had been destroyed when he had only managed to fool two Dregs and you had managed to fool around ten Dregs with your disguise and cover story. 

Kaz walked toward you who was drinking as he scowled “I blew it. I only got through two Dregs.”

“Woah! I got to ten.” you had replied with a playful and sympathetic grin as you looked at him. 

“I can’t believe I lost this stupid game! I was so excited for this. What happened?” exclaimed Kaz as he sat next to you wearing a scowl as he looked completely frustrated. 

“Well, maybe you being excited is what happened. Like every time we’re planning heists, you’re always super intelligent, you take your time, you stay calm and examine every possibility. But every time we do dumb games like this, you get excited and act like a crazy idiot. My advice... don’t act like a crazy idiot.” you replied with an insightful and thoughtful smile as you looked at Kaz with a soft glimmer in your eyes.  

Kaz was surprised at your answer that made him think because it made sense at how perceptive and true it was “Thanks. That was surprisingly wise.”

“Yeah well, motherhood really opens a woman’s eyes. I finally feel as if I’m finally part of something bigger than myself.” you had dramatically said as you touched your fake pregnant belly that was part of your disguise in the game while Kaz rolled his eyes at you and slapped the fake belly in exasperation. 

You placed a protective hand on your fake belly as you gasped dramatically “Hey don’t you dare touch Kazper Jr! That’s right! It’s your baby!”

Kaz had to stop himself from laughing outright as he played along “Are you saying I knocked you up?”

“You sure did!”

Kaz liked it when you were with him. With the rest of the world, he knew you were a gold rush. Everybody wanted to have a taste of you and wanted to know what it would be like to love you. Kaz couldn’t keep his eyes off you because you were an inviting temptation as you flirted and talked with the people with such charismatic and charming sweetness that he felt a flicker of twisted jealousy that crushed him. But when you were with Kaz, though you still teased him with that charming twinkle in your eyes, you displayed a soft sense of vulnerability you never showed to the rest of the world. There was a softness and sweet sincerity in you that you gave Kaz that you never showed the rest of the world and before he could stop himself, Kaz had opened himself and showed his deepest and darkest parts baring himself vulnerable and you had accepted and loved him unconditionally. 

Kaz knew he felt something special for you, something that he never felt for anyone else and something that he couldn’t afford to feel for you in this world. In this world, sentiment was the greatest weakness and it would be used against him by the countless number of enemies who he had made on his way to greatness. So he tried to keep a distance from you as much as he could but there were times he was just drawn to you and he couldn’t stop himself from indulging in your company and worrying about you. 

Before the Ice Court, Kaz had promised Nina that he’d keep an eye on Matthias. So as he searched for Dregs who could infiltrate Hellgate, befriend Matthias and protect him, you had volunteered eagerly. But Kaz had turned down your suggestion feeling something akin to terror of losing you to the darkness and cruelty of Hellgate but when he realized that there was no one else he could truly trust and that you were not backing down from this assignment, he had reluctantly sent you into Hellgate to spy on Matthias. Your absence had been absolutely maddening as the Slat felt cold and empty without you and he worried about your wellbeing in Hellgate. When the chance to break into the Ice Court had arrived, he had seized the opportunity to break you out along with Matthias. 

Kaz remembered when he had reunited with you after your year in Hellgate. You looked completely different, grown up as if you had lived through darkness and survived to tell the tale. But the kind twinkle in your pained eyes was still there as Kaz finally caught up with you and found himself smiling genuinely in relief as he had said “Can I get a free woman a drink?”

The grin you had given him reassured his heavy heart that despite the pain you had endured, you were still completely in sync with him as you said the words he had wanted to say “I missed you, Kaz Brekker.”

You had been by his side through the Ice Court Heist and watched him take down Pekka Rollins as he enjoyed his vengeance on the man who had destroyed his life.

Kaz remembered the aftermath of celebrations when they had overthrown Pekka Rollins and taken Ketterdam to themselves. He had stood with bruises that didn’t seem to hurt but felt victorious and triumphant as he heard Nina, Inej, Wylan, Matthias and you celebrate with Jesper who announced loudly to the Dregs.

“Alright everyone! Pekka Rollins is history, we are absolute legends and we can finally walk freely around Ketterdam!” exclaimed Jesper in an absolutely celebratory mood, feeling blissful as he looked at the Crows who were grinning madly “Who wants waffles?”

You had grinned at Jesper’s infectious mood but had approached Kaz who was staring out of the window at the view of Ketterdam as you looked at Kaz “Hey, you alright? You did it. You finally got your vengeance on Pekka Rollins. 

Kaz’ lips twitched into a small smile as relief and victory blossomed in his chest at his accomplishment and looked at you curiously because he knew if you didn’t have such faith and optimism, he couldn’t have done it “How do you do it Y/N? Keep hoping. Hope is dangerous and it clouds your judgement. And yet after everything you’ve gone through, after everything that happened, everything I did... how did you still manage to hope that it could all work out?”

You smiled gently as your eyes gleamed knowingly and sincerely as you looked at him softly “Because of you. You don’t realize it, Kaz... but you’re actually the most hopeful person I’ve ever met.”

Kaz’ eyes widened as his breath hitched at her unexpected words that he was completely taken aback by as he stared at you in disbelief and surprise seeing only the truth and kindness etched on your face as you said honestly “From the day you crawled out of that harbor having lost everything you ever loved, everyone assumed your place in the world was in the bottom as the weak and lonely, a boy who was defined by loss. But you wished for more. You dared to dream and hope as you worked to climb your way up and gain the power. You dared to hope to succeed in the craziest heists and became someone who everyone feared. You dared to hope to bring down the man who was responsible for your brother’s death.” 

Kaz felt breathless at how you saw him and you smiled at him brightly “Now it’s all over. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

Kaz’ lips curled into a soft smile as he looked at you hopefully “I guess in the end, there really is no end. Just new beginnings.” 

You had tended to his injuries patiently with tenderness and kindness he did not deserve. You had saved his life countless times from taking your first gunshot that was meant for him and committing your first murder as you killed a man in cold blood to protect him. 

You had stood by his side through every questionable decision and defended him when you disagreed with him. You had been loyal to him even when he had pushed you away and lashed out at you in a cruel manner. You weren’t afraid to pushing and telling him when he was wrong and cruel with the stubborn and fiery look in your eyes. You had seen his lawless demons and dangerous ghosts that haunted him but had understood him and helped him work through it. You had seen him as the darkest demon who was dangerous and cruel and yet loved the monster within him. You knew about how he struggled with touch from the very beginning but never questioned or mocked it but simply allowed Kaz to take it slow as he started it with simple fleeting brushing of shoulders to soft fingers interlocking with each other and holding hands to the feeling of being close to you without drowning in the waters. 

You were unlike any other woman he had ever met. 

Kaz sighed as he buried his head in his hands as he remembered when it all went wrong. He had an important mission that required him to retrieve information and steal a valuable documents from the vault hidden in a highly guarded mansion of one of the merchers in Ketterdam. The mercher had a reputation for throwing lavish parties to make connections and relationships so Kaz had decided to ask you to be his pretend wife so they could disguise themselves as guests and get into the vault. 

Kaz’s eyes had flickered toward you when you had entered into his office. He had pretended to be busy but the truth was you had a way of making him painfully aware of every breath you took and every smile you flashed as you brought a warm light into his cold life and he informed you of what he needed. You had grown completely silent and your smile had vanished slightly concerning Kaz who raised his eyebrows at you waiting for your answer.

“No.” you had replied curtly and crisply as you had looked away from Kaz. “Ask Inej or Nina. Or -”

“Y/N... I want you.” Kaz had replied softly as he had slipped out of his seat and stood in front of you “You and I work well together. We make a good team together. And you are the only one I trust for this.” 

His gloved fingers had brushed against yours as he looked deeply at you waiting for your answer and you had surprised him as you smiled at him warmly as red dust scattered on your cheeks and you replied “Ask me properly and I might say yes.”

Kaz had smiled genuinely as he watched you walk away. Later, you were working late into the night with him as both of you were looking through information on a mercher that Kaz wanted to rob. Both of you dug into boxes of information that you had found of books, letters, documents, and photographs of the mercher’s life. As Kaz and you sat side by side enjoying the comforting silence of the moment, and Kaz found a photograph of two lovers laughing on the porch of their old house. It felt hard to explain but in that photograph, he saw himself and you living that life.

You had looked over at him with a small smile as your eyes flickered at the photograph “They look very happy. They must have loved each other very much.”

Kaz looked at you and he felt time stand still as he couldn’t find the right words to describe how he felt in that moment with you as he felt breathless staring into your enchanting and warm eyes and finally broke the silence as he asked “Y/N, do you want to dance with me?”

You had blushed but your smile was answer enough as you had accepted his gloved hand. Kaz’ lips twitched into a smile as he felt your hand rest upon his gently and your other arm holding onto his shoulder gently as he ran his hand softly along your waist and placed it on the small of your back. His breath hitched as he looked at your tender and sweet eyes that twinkled brilliantly as both of you began to dance around the room to the slow and romantic music echoing from downstairs as the rain splattered outside. 

At first, Kaz hated that he was nervous and clumsy tripping over himself and stepping on your toes. He was the Bastard of the Barrel who had humiliated and overthrown Pekka Rollins and now ruled Ketterdam inspiring fear with intimidation and violence and yet he couldn’t properly dance with the girl he possibly liked. 

You had grinned brightly much to Kaz’ mortification at his mistakes as he stepped on your toes once again and you offered “Hey, do you want me to teach you how to do this so you don’t hurt me or possibly yourself?”

Kaz had flushed a bright red in mortification as he had nodded “Yes.”

“Hold your back straight. Now you will lead and I will follow. And now one, two, three...” you began softly with a tender and encouraging smile as you let Kaz guide you across the floor and much to his surprise as Kaz followed the gentle hum of your words, Kaz found himself dancing without causing you any grievous injuries. 

Kaz felt his breath hitch and his heart race as he danced with you smoothly and his eyes flickered down to ensure his feet were not going to hurt you when you instructed him gently “Look into my eyes. Dancing is seeing one another for who they really are, understanding and trusting each other. That’s why I love it.”

Kaz had looked into your eyes and had seen you who had always been there for him through thick and thin and had changed him in the most unimaginable ways as he murmured softly “I see you.”

You had sucked in a breath as your eyes had grown wide but you had smiled softly and joyfully “You dance incredibly.”

“All because I have a talented teacher.” replied Kaz smoothly with a soft smile as he spun you around as you chuckled. 

Kaz had never felt so light-hearted and happy as he spun you around and held you in his arms as both of danced perfectly together in harmony. Kaz knew it felt foolish to give in so easily to how he was feeling but in this moment, he didn’t care as light and humor danced in his eyes feeling weightless, all the burdens and worries he carried washed away as he held you in his arms as you glowed in happiness and laughter. 

Kaz felt free and weightless laughing in delight as you spun him around as you laughed in amusement, breaking rules of dancing but he didn’t care because he knew this moment with you was right and wanted this forever. He couldn’t let go of this perfect moment where the stars had aligned and everything felt just good to be true as Kaz spun you around and dipped you down, his hand supporting your back, stopping you from falling. You held onto his shoulder trusting him to hold you and never let you fall and break. Kaz pulled you up once as you held onto his gloved hand and his nose brushed against your forehead swaying to the soft and romantic song echoing through the Slat as both of you stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity. 

“Y/N...” murmured Kaz as his eyes fluttered open, memorizing every inch of your face and committing you to memory afraid you would vanish if he let you go “Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on earth?” 

Your heart rate escalated through the roof and your eyes had widened in surprise as you stared at him in speechless amazement as he took out a ring that had a crow with a R engraved on it as he held your hand tightly in his “Marry me, Y/N and be my partner in crime for life.”

Kaz saw you chuckle and smile at him as you nodded “Yes. I’ll be your partner in crime for life, Kaz Brekker.”

“Kaz Rietvald.” confessed Kaz softly, his voice barely a whisper as he looked at you vulnerably “Kaz Rietvald is my real name. The name of the boy who came to Ketterdam with hopes of making it with his brother. The name of the boy who died in the harbor that day.”

You had looked at him with understanding and sincerity as he swallowed a lump of emotion and confessed “But when I’m with you... I feel like Kaz Rietvald once again. The boy who believed in magic and beauty of the world.”

“Kaz...” you had murmured as you looked at the ring that held great meaning for you now and then at Kaz with so much you wanted to say to him but he shook his head as he placed a soft and fleeting kiss on your hand. 

“Y/N...” he whispered as he slipped the ring onto your hand with his own trembling hands and then placed a sweet and tender kiss on your forehead “You are the reason.”

The reason that he was alive. The reason that he still felt alive. The reason that he looked forward to waking up every day. The reason that he paid attention to all the magical little things you did. The reason he felt worry whenever you were hurt and wounded. The reason that he dared to dream once again. 

From there on, Kaz had felt connected to you in a way that he hadn’t before. He had wanted to practice perfecting the image of pretending to be an engaged couple so he encouraged both of you to do little things that couples do. But it was easy to forget that Kaz was pretending when he hid sincere love notes inside your room, replaced the wilting flowers in your room with your favorite flowers and left little gifts for you. It was easy for Kaz to forget that you were not his to lose when he found little notes filled with jokes and small affirmations inside his files, his favorite books annotated with your thoughts and sentences highlighted that reminded you of him, flowers pressed to the pages.

It was easy to get lost in the act of being your husband when he exchanged knowing and lingering glances with you in secret, whenever he would feel the twisted dark feeling of jealousy when he saw any man look at you in the wrong way, when you bought coffee made exactly how he liked it in the mornings and when he was working late. It was easy to forget that you weren’t his lover when both of you worked late until night, your head resting on his lap as he ran his hand through your hair smiling down at you as you read your books, when he listened to you play the violin, when he shared meals with you and cuddled with you relishing the comfortable silence and teasing each other and confiding his secrets in you.

It was easy to forget that you were not his wife when he had seen you laughing in amusement, your eyes gleaming brightly and his lips had met yours passionately and tenderly as time stood still and his heart beat violently out of his ribcage when you had kissed him back with equal tenderness and desire. It was easy to forget that this was all just an act when he would indulge in the pleasure of nipping your earlobe and placing a trail of kisses from your cheek to your neck and collarbone taking his time to taste you and feel your body tremble underneath his touch. 

It was easy to forget it all because you were easy to fall in love with deeply and madly until it was too late for him to back out. 

When the day came for the party, he had dressed up and you appeared in front of him making him speechless as his eyes widened because you were a breathtaking sight to behold. You were wearing an off the shoulder satin long emerald green dress that hugged your curves perfectly. You were wearing simple pearl earrings, your hair braided into loose waves and your cheeks pink and your lips ruby red as you smiled at Kaz. 

Kaz had placed his hand on the small of your back as he guided you away and whispered into your ear “You look beautiful.”

You had blushed when you felt his lips brush against the nape of your neck as you squeezed his hand gently “You don’t look so bad yourself”

At the party, everyone was full of admiration for Kaz and you as a couple. Kaz and you socialized with the crowd of aristocrats, merchers and businessmen as you charmed them with your signature charisma that got enough information for Kaz. Though Kaz was not much of a social creature, he observed you morphing into the form that you needed to take in order to charm and lure your target into giving you what you wanted. 

As the time drew near for them to rob the vault, Kaz and you were talking with a few ladies and gentlemen who were very impressed with the both of you, the affectionate and loving couple and one woman had asked Kaz how he knew you were the one for him. 

Kaz had frozen at the question but his panic had disappeared as soon as it had come as he tightened his arm around your waist as he replied to his surprise with the truth of his heart “She makes me laugh. She’s smart, kind and funny and accepting of who I am. She’s truly the kind of woman who comes once in a lifetime. She’s beautiful and impossible. The way we got here was unexpected. But no matter how I think about it... we were meant to be. And the more time I spend with her, I know that I don’t want to lose her.”

Everyone cooed over the answer but you had frozen at Kaz’ answer as you looked at him in amazement and surprise but Kaz didn’t meet your eyes. The lady was insistent on knowing what you liked so much about Kaz that you knew you had to marry him. You wanted to hit that woman with the tray of champagne because she was putting you in a very awkward position at the moment. 

“He is... well, one night we were just gazing at the stars and talking when I looked over at him and it struck me that he is my closest friend. He’s awesome, intelligent, strong, brave and protects those who he cares about. How could I not want to be with him?” you had replied easily and sincerely with a tender and sweet smile shocking Kaz who had not expected such an answer that sounded terrifyingly real. 

Both of you had escaped the crowd and made it to the vault in time. You had distracted the guards while Kaz broke into the vault and took what he needed. Both of you were on the verge of an escape when both of you heard footsteps heading your way. Kaz had looked at you with desperation and desire as he had pushed you against the wall but before you could say anything, his lips were moving against yours passionately and fiercely, roughly and hungrily devouring you as his hands explored your body and sparks flew within him as you kissed him back with fierce passion and overwhelming emotion as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer toward you. 

Kaz couldn’t stop. He knew what he felt for you was a weakness. And if anything, you felt the same way about him too. And Kaz was secretly ecstatic that you felt the same way toward him. But Kaz had realized as he broke into the vault, he was a criminal. He was Kaz Brekker, the King of Ketterdam, the Bastard of the Barrel who had no weakness and who could not afford to love anyone. Kaz had realized the true harsh reality that he could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. He was not a man made for love. He was a monster created for chaos and cruelty. And you were weakening him, bringing his softer and vulnerable side that he had hidden from the world for so long. He couldn’t let it happen. As Kaz kissed you, he kissed you goodbye as he held you in his arms trying to keep you with him for a bit longer but he knew he had to end it before the world ended him. 

The guards who had been patrolling cleared their throats when they had seen you and Kaz and you had narrowly escaped their scrutiny and attention as a very handsy couple. When both of you had left the party, Kaz hardened his heart ignoring your pleasant conversation and then your inquiring questions. It didn’t take you long to notice this sudden change in Kaz who had grown cold and distant from you. 

“Kaz!” you had snapped as you shoved him getting his attention “What is wrong with you? What’s going on?”

“Y/N... I’m not your fucking husband, so stop nagging me!” snarled Kaz harshly, the softness in his eyes completely gone as he looked at you coldly “It’s over. We completed our mission. I got what I needed.”

Kaz started walking away because he didn’t want to see your fallen face when he heard your trembling voice speak up “Is that it?”

“Is that what? Did you think this was real? It was just a game... part of a mission.” replied Kaz coldly, his eyes flashing with harshness as he began to break the one thing he was falling in love with. 

“Don’t. Don’t you dare. I don’t believe you. I know you feel the same way I do, Kaz.” you had replied with a trembling and shaky voice that you tried to keep strong as you looked at him with a pained expression “You - please don’t do this. You can’t just do this to us and then run away from all these feelings because you are scared.”

“Scared? Y/N, I don’t love you. You are an investment to me.” replied Kaz cruelly and harshly shoving down the voice screaming that he was lying as he glared at you. “You are nothing to me!”

You remembered how safe you felt with Kaz and how he had always assured you that you belonged and had a home with him as you felt everything you thought you knew burn once again into ashes as your heart shattered into pieces at the words carelessly and brutally uttered by Kaz and you sucked a breath as you looked at him in disbelief and heartbreak “You don’t love me?”

Kaz answered with cold silence that rang loudly among both of you and he could hear your heart shattering into pieces and had to hold onto looking at how your once bright and happy face now fell into an expression of shocked disbelief and pained suffering as you tried to understand how your world could quickly fall apart. Kaz couldn’t bear to look at your pained expression any longer so he decided to walk away from you, to leave you alone and save himself from the pain. 

“I don’t believe you. Two hours ago, at that party, you wanted me. You were in love with me, Kaz. All these months, you made me believe we could share something special.” you called out, your voice shattered and hurt but there was a sliver of spite and anger in it that stopped him within his tracks as he closed his eyes and stiffened because he was losing you because this had to end “But we can never be that because you put yourself above everyone and within you is -”

 “Is what? A cold monstrous dark dead heart?” snapped Kaz clenching his jaw as he turned around to look at you with a dark and cold look in his eyes as he thought of how everything they had built up on a shaky ground was now falling apart “I thought you knew better by now. I don’t have a heart, Y/N.”

“Who knows? Because you never show anyone who you are!” you had spat out with tears in your eyes as you looked at Kaz with hurt and pain. “You aren’t letting me in, Kaz!”

“Nothing good comes from loving people! Everyone leaves in the end. I intend to live my life knowing that I have no weakness that my enemies will not exploit against me and knowing that I have no one who loves me mourning for me when I’m gone wishing every single moment that I would come back for them!” yelled Kaz fiercely, his eyes flashing with powerless reminiscence of a destroyed childhood and suffering that had made him monstrous as he looked at you knowing that he couldn’t afford to love you, not when he was weakened with you, not when he could never give you peace. 

“Well then, I love you! Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” you had screamed at him hysterically, tears rolling down your eyes as you felt nothing but piercing heartbreak and completely broken at how casually cruel and brutal he was being breaking you into pieces. 

Kaz’ breath hitched as he froze at your confession, his heart skipping a beat traitorously with hope and happiness but he collected himself reminding himself that both of you could never have a shot in the dark because he was too damaged to be loved by you as his lips curled into a cruel sneer “You disgust me! It’s too bad for you that I don’t love you. That you didn’t make the cut into my heart. Why would you do that to yourself?”

“You - you shouldn’t have let me in! You shouldn’t have made me feel safe with you! You shouldn’t have made me feel like I belong with you and the Dregs are my home!” you had snapped in unbearable pain that burned every inch of you as you gasped through a broken sob and looked at Kaz who looked so pretty like the devil through the tears as you slapped him “Because now it’s far too late!”

Kaz felt the sting of the slap but your words lashed across his heart more than the pain of the slap. He clenched his jaw as he felt his heart bleed in unbearable pain as he looked at you in hurt and wistfulness. He wanted to take back all his cruel words that broke you and crumpled you but he knew he couldn’t do that. 

And as Kaz looked at you, he wanted you more than anything in the world. More than all the kruge and the most beautiful paintings and precious jewels that he spent his life chasing to steal. Kaz was painfully aware of the aching desire he had to call you only his and to come home to your bright smile and tender heart every single day. Kaz wanted more than anything to hold your hand through life and death and to love you with all your scars and bruises and protect you from the rest of the world. Kaz had never felt this kind of powerful love and aching desire for anyone in his life, the kind that made him want to live each moment and love fearlessly. He wanted you so much that he was afraid that what he shared with you could bring him back to life as Kaz Rietvald or break him down.

Kaz loved you. Kaz had so much love inside him that he wanted to give you but he was terrified of how much you meant to him and what he would do to the world if you ever were hurt. As Kaz looked at the moonlight shining upon you, Kaz believed in Saints who had created the most perfect punishment fitting for him. For he was a monster, and it was only fitting for a monster never to hold and have what he loved the most in this world. 

Kaz felt you sense his reluctance and desire for you as you took his hand in yours and caressed his cheek gently as he was hypnotized by your tender eyes as he stared at the one that he loved and dreamed of as you softly and earnestly confessed “Kaz...I know you are scared. I’m terrified too. But I want you. I love you with all your flaws and scars, Kaz. Don’t give up on us. So let’s stop pretending and do this for real.”

Kaz’ breath hitched as he leaned toward you, drawn in like a moth to a flame. He could feel your breath fanning against his cheek as he inhaled in your intoxicating perfume and felt your hot skin against his lips that longed to kiss you. His eyes fluttered shut and his heart was racing inhumanely as his mind forgot to remind him that you were a bad idea. You were an addiction he couldn’t yet give up on and wanted more and more until he was completely satisfied. Kaz had an inkling he would always be wanting more of you as his hand held the nape of your neck wondering how something that was so rationally wrong could feel so perfectly right. 

He did not ask for this. He did not ask for you in his life. You were beautiful, intelligent, dynamic, wonderful and brighter than fireworks in the night sky. Kaz did not ask to be plagued by these feelings for you, to be driven to distraction every time you entered a room. 

“Say you want me like I want you maddeningly.” your voice whispered as your breath fanned his cheek, and Kaz couldn’t breath or think as he was lost in his storm of feelings for you as his lips lingered close enough toward yours eager to taste you.

But your words jolted him from this madness as he took a deep breath and stumbled back from you, realizing that he had been giving into his weaknesses and he breathed heavily trying to compose himself. What had he been thinking? What was he doing? This wasn’t fair and - this wasn’t right. Kaz ran his hand through his hair as he convinced himself that this wasn’t love, this was a distraction, a fleeting infatuation that would pass with time. You were not going to be his destruction. Kaz felt a bitter taste in his mouth as he convinced himself that he was not the one for you. You deserved someone better, someone who was not broken and damaged who would only bring you down. 

“I don’t love you. You were a pleasant distraction from my work.” replied Kaz firmly and coldly as his heart cried out at the lie but he knew it had to be done as he looked you in the eye “This isn’t a fairytale, Y/N. I am your employer and you are my Dreg. So stop being delusional and be what I need you to be and do what I need you to do.”

Then it had taken everything in Kaz to walk away leaving you alone in the dark, the masterpiece of what they had torn apart as you felt alone, tears of heartbreak and pain running down your cheeks. 

It hadn’t taken long for everyone else to notice what had gone wrong between you and Kaz. Both of you had been inseparable, never one without another and now both of you were distant and apart. Kaz kept his distance coldly and cruelly from you refusing to listen and talk to you as you tried to fight for them again and again and the brightness in your eyes began to fade away slowly as you wondered where you had gone wrong as you sat in the dark choking on your sobs dying inside of pain and heartbreak. 

Kaz didn’t know that you were trying to hold onto him as you stayed in your room. After a while, you stopped coming to see Kaz but your presence lingered with him as he heard you play the violin, vulnerable, soft and sad, melancholy heart tugging and heart breaking melodies that would float through the Slat down to the streets. The melodies you played were piercingly agonizing, beautifully emotional and reminded Kaz every single moment of the memories he had shared with you, the unconditional joy he had felt in your presence and now the sorrow that ached within him at your absence as tears sprung into his eyes. He wasn’t the only one affected by your emotional performances. One of the most toughest Dregs who was violent had burst into tears when he had heard you performing a heartbreaking farewell song. 

One day, Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer as he quietly walked toward your room as his eyes fell on you facing the window playing an achingly sad and sweet melody that touched Kaz’ cold heart feeling that your melody was a breathtaking story that never got a happy ending. 

“Is it a sad song?” asked Kaz softly as he lingered at the door, his eyes full of sadness and curiosity when you had finished playing and he noted that you didn’t look surprised at his presence. 

“Nothing is sad until its over. Then everything is.” you replied quietly and contemplatively, your eyes full of grief and heartbreak as you looked at him with a sliver of hope in your heart. 

Kaz had felt a lump of emotion swell up in his throat as he tried to speak but he was too lost in your eyes that mirrored how he felt and you took a step toward him “Kaz... I just wanted to say -”

“Y/N - I just came to say it’s enough.” said Kaz clearing his throat and taking hold of himself as he took on the coldness and harshness against you who looked slightly confused “Enough of your melancholy whining and playing the violin! It’s a headache and distracting all of us from doing important things.”

Kaz had watched you freeze in shock at his order, your eyes burning bright in disbelief and hurt and Kaz knew it that you loved playing on your violin. Your violin was the most precious possession in the world to you and you would never give up your violin to save yourself. You loved playing music on your violin more than anything in the world and to hear Kaz order you to stop playing the violin was an equivalent to ordering you drown yourself and kill yourself. 

The despair and grief in your eyes flashed into cold anger as you gripped your violin protectively “You once looked me in the eyes and told me that you would be by my side until the end. But it’s wonderful to see that you are okay being a liar who wants everything to revolve around you. I guess my pain - the pain you caused is such an imposition to you.”

“Y/N... I’m sick of you! So please stop playing the violin! If you so much as play a note on that stupid thing, I will burn it!” exclaimed Kaz who had felt anger that derived out of guilt and self - loathing as he glared at you with lightning in his eyes. 

Kaz saw you were paralyzed with shock at his cruel words that he suddenly regretted as he looked at your grief-stricken expression but he didn’t want to stay and dwell on it as he turned away but as he took a few steps away from you, he heard you say in disappointment and sadness “I thought you might be different than the rest of the monsters in this world. But I guess you are all the same.”

Kaz had frozen but before his anger could get the best of him, he had marched to his office. You had looked down at the streets of Ketterdam that were haunted by your father who had come before you, your brother who you had lost to the cruelty of this city and the one person you had always felt like you belonged in this godforsaken city had abandoned you making you feel unspeakably lonely and terrified, unbearably heartbroken and hurt. You had been the phoenix in this city rising from the ashes every single time they burned you but you were getting tired of rising and fighting like it was nothing. Kaz had dealt the final blow. 

When Nina had offered to take you with her, you had not hesitated. Kaz had been surprised that you had accepted and something in him wanted to stop you from leaving to Ravka. But he stayed silent as you packed your bags and left for Ravka with Nina without saying goodbye to him as he had the deadly sinking feeling that he was losing you. 

Kaz had expected that he wouldn’t miss you at all. After all, it was good that you were far away from him as possible and it would give him time to move from this disaster. But the air was thick with loss and indecision as he realized the truth of the saying that you never knew what you had until it was gone. Kaz had thought your absence would only satisfy him and give him the satisfaction that he was right all along.

But Kaz had been completely, utterly, tragically wrong. 

Because after you had left, everything seemed empty and wrong to Kaz. Your absence could be felt in every single vein in Kaz’ body and your absence taunted him as he felt the little things about your presence in his life. His office that had once been full of light and warmth, a place of shelter from the cruelty of the world where he shared sacred moments of sincere smiles and easy conversations with you had now become cold and dark, empty of your vivid intelligence and easy laughter that lit it up as Kaz stared frozen at the blueprints, maps, documents, contracts that didn’t make any sense to him any longer. Your scent of sharp jasmine and comforting pages of books lingered on his pillow that he buried his head into every night trying to hold onto you as he missed you terribly. Kaz missed your incredible intelligence and imagination that saw the world through different eyes and observed things that everyone else missed. Kaz felt your absence ache terribly at the lack of beautiful, magical and lovely music that you would play on your violin during the most random and inconvenient times of the day when you needed to think. Kaz missed the little things from the little soft and knowing smile you had reserved only for him, the midnight conversations that made them smile and cry, the afternoons you would come back from your favorite café to share coffee and pastries with him, your furrowed brow when you were focused on sketching, and the playfulness and childlike innocence you exuded brightening his life. 

Kaz couldn’t bear your absence that echoed in this godforsaken city of Ketterdam. Ketterdam, the city that used to be a reminder of Jordie was now driving Kaz mad by screaming your name everywhere Kaz went. Kaz couldn’t walk past and live in this city of blood that was now haunted by you as he was reminded of you in each place from your room that used to be scattered with papers, books and boards that were marked with ongoing investigations but now was empty of activity, the marketplace you frequented bargaining with the vendors driving them to despair, the bookshops in the University District you lingered in for long hours, the Crow Club where you laughed and drank with the Crows sharing intimate and secret glances with Kaz, the library where you loved to read losing track of time, the waffle house where you and Nina loved to eat waffles, the hot chocolate stand where you and Kaz would always buy and drink hot chocolate after a heist or a job or whenever they passed it by, the crowded canals where you liked to sit and sketch landscapes of Ketterdam, the harbor shore where you liked to run into the sea and jump around in the waves childishly and freely and the bar your friend Steve owned where Kaz had first met you. 

Your seat at the table was empty and no one in the Dregs dared to sit on it. Everyone in the Dregs missed you too. Jesper didn’t frequent the Slat often and when he did was restless and anxious, Wylan was quiet and thoughtful as he worked on his bombs but when something went wrong, he would be frustrated and once snapped in anger at one of the innocent newly recruited Dregs because no one else except you understood him and his love for inventions. Inej prayed daily to her Saints to keep you and Nina safe, posted letters all the Crows and the Dregs wrote to you, sent you little trinkets, and tidied your room replacing the wilted flowers and arranging it. Matthias would try to raise everyone’s spirits as he reminisced of good times with you making everyone smile and laugh and encouraging the Dregs to keep going but inside he was worried for your wellbeing since you were the first friend he had from Hellgate until now. 

Kaz also was subjected to high sass levels of incredibly frustrated and angry intelligent, skilled and protective teenagers and your friends in the Dregs who were first seen by you and touched by your kindness to them in the streets and were forever in your debt for giving them a home and a purpose. This was the worst punishment yet for hurting you and he wished that he had never done anything to you because the revenge from the kids and friends in the Dregs who loved you was worse than any humiliation he had been subjected to. 

He had once come down in the morning to get coffee but the last of the coffee was taken by the dark haired, sassy kid called Hari who had marched into the kitchen completely covered in blood as he held an axe and glared at Kaz as he marched away with the jug of coffee, never letting Kaz get coffee at any given moment. The red head named Betty who was completely mad at Kaz had arranged to deliver the most distasteful cakes that tasted horrible to him every single day with the most hurtful and imaginative sayings on the top ranging from ‘IT’S GARBAGE DAY. CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE A WHOLE DAY DEDICATED TO YOU’, ‘SORRY YOU ARE SUCH A HATEFUL BITCH’, ‘YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A JOKE’, and a cake with a middle finger on it that said ‘YOUR LOSS’. There were three kids named Tony, Sabrina and James who helped you with your investigations and whenever Kaz ordered them to do anything, they would defy him sassily by shrugging him off and not taking him seriously. There were two twins named Rob and Hal who pranked Kaz every single day after he had broken your heart, nearly driving Kaz crazy but Kaz could never trace the prank back to them but Kaz knew it was them when they smirked in amusement whenever they saw Kaz covered with glitter and pink confetti or Kaz’ hair completely blonde and purple. The curly haired boy named Joe who you had given all your waffles to on that terribly hungry day would replace Kaz’ gloves with brightly colored, crazily patterned leather gloves, hide Kaz’ documents in places where Kaz couldn’t find them, replace Kaz’ coats with bright and colorful coats, redecorate Kaz’ cane into silly shapes and replaced Kaz’ perfume with a spray that made Kaz smell like rotten eggs for days. A medik you trusted and had taken into the Dregs named Hungyun would sharpen his blades and recite facts about surgeries and how to dispose of a body whenever Kaz passed him by so Kaz avoided him all together.

Matthias who had noticed Jesper’s restlessness, Wylan’s frustration, Inej’s worry and the Dregs’ sass had gathered them for a project to cheer you up by making an album about how much you meant to them and soon all of them enthusiastically joined in the creative venture. The only thing that calmed all the Dregs and Crows from starting a revolution was your letters to them that kept them happy that you were doing fine. 

Kaz received your letters and he read them the moment he received them. You wrote so beautifully about Ravka and how it was so different to Ketterdam. Every letter was a piece of you that he clung onto as he read it over and over again, tracing your elegant yet messy handwriting full of enthusiasm and sadness as you described everything in vivid detail, put down your own thoughts and confessed how much you missed him and couldn’t forget him no matter how hard you tried. Kaz tried to write back but every time he tried to write, words failed him as emotions overwhelmed him because he didn’t know where to start and he knew if he wrote back and really confronted how he felt, he would be giving into weakness. He couldn’t afford to be weak. So he wrote the letters he wanted to write to you secretly and locked it away and read your letters over and over again never sending you a response hoping that in time you would forget him. 

But the thought of losing you terrified him. Because that was kind of heartbreak time could never mend. Kaz could never feel this kind of love for anyone again and though he was adamant in holding onto strength of not giving into his weakness, he never wanted you to leave him for another because it petrified and terrified him. He could never walk the streets of Ketterdam again if you were not by his side. 

Kaz knew he had to do something when he dreamed of you and started seeing visions of you in broad daylight. The first time Kaz had seen you in broad daylight was when he was supervising the Crow Club and he had seen you laughing in the Crow Club and you winked at him with that charming and knowing manner that always made him blush and his eyes widened in wonder and disbelief because he couldn’t believe you had come back so soon but then you vanished. Kaz had blinked in confusion realizing that he had hallucinated you but that was just the beginning. When Kaz had been walking down the street, he had heard you call out his name cheerfully and his heart had soared in traitorous hope as he swerved to look in the direction where he heard your voice and saw that it was you with your sweet disposition and bright eyes running toward him with wind in your hair and his knees had almost given out but then the vision of you disappeared as a girl ran past him to hug her lover behind him. Kaz tried to shut you out but you were impossible. You were in his head and you didn’t leave. He saw you sitting in his office looking at him in disappointment and anger, tears of sadness rolling down your cheeks as you begged him to love you. 

Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer. Kaz didn’t care how long Nina had said she would be gone with you. Kaz needed you with him. Kaz wanted you with him because he couldn’t live without you since this was hell. Kaz pulled out a new paper and wrote a letter to you ordering you to come back home to him because he couldn’t live like this any longer. He hoped that once you got the letter, you would not hesitate to come back. 

After all Ketterdam was your home. Ketterdam was where you belonged. Ketterdam was where he was. There was nothing special tying you to Ravka. 

As Kaz sent the letter, he looked at the sun setting down on the horizon and muttered with all the sincerity and piercing agony in his heart as he remembered the rare masterpiece he shared with you, remembered you all too well “I miss you, Y/N. Come back to me.”

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[rev-wrath]

Sorry, Need You Back

Bruce Wayne x Batdad!Reader

Summary: Your second son has died. It’s taken a toll on the whole family but you need your husband to come back and be a person again.

Info: Hurt/comfort. Male Reader. 0.7k words

Notes: First image is art that can be found here.

Nothing’s really been the same. Not since he left. This isn’t something one really could get over. But it’s been over two months and things are dicey, so you’ve got to get your priorities in order.

You slam a hand down on to the desk. “Up.” Bruce grunts, looking over at you before his gaze goes back to his work. “Get. Up.”

“I have work to do.”

“You have a life to live. And you’re sure as hell not doing that down here. Or out there.” You jerk your head in the direction of the Batman suit.

“I’m living plenty.” Really, he’s just surviving in some odd way. Existing almost purely as Batman and hardly doing much outside of that, even including eating and sleeping. You’re not sure the last time you saw him eat something that wasn’t a granola bar, bits of fruit or part of a sandwich.

“Bruce, I know you’re hurt. I know you’re grieving. I am too. But this is not the way to do it.”

“I can’t make that mistake again.”

“It was not your fault, Bruce. If it’s your fault it’s mine too. He’s…” You hesitate, not sure if you even should use present tense anymore. But in the end Jason will always be your son. “he’s my son too. I should have paid more attention to him, never let him go, much less by himself. I should have gone with you.”

“You’re not like me.” He argues.

“I can fight too, I have. I will again.” You don’t say that you will again if you have to, just that you will. You’re smarter than that. You know how things work.

“I know, but you’re not doing it every night.”

“I’m not.” You would if you had to though. “But I know you can’t keep doing this. I feel like I’m losing you.” He’s not the same, you don’t blame him. There’s been little differences about you too. Like the way you keep Dick closer, in a way you haven’t in a long time. If someone asked him though, Dick would say this is way more than that. After all, it’s not every day you lose a son.

Bruce though? Bruce is angry and withdrawn in a way that you’ve never seen. It worries you. It’s part of the reason why you’ve been tightly holding every bit of you together. One of you has to. Bless Alfred but some things aren’t meant to fall on just him, or him at all.

“I’ve already buried one of my sons. I don’t want to have to bury my husband too.” The way Bruce is going, someone else is more likely to bury their husband than you. Still, your husband is wasting away in front of you, like he’s intent on burying himself in some way.

That must have hit him because it’s only then that he softens and looks at you. “You won’t. I won’t have another son buried, I won’t have me buried and I won’t have you buried. But that means I have to get better.” His gaze returns to his work.

“You’re not getting better. You’re destroying yourself” Grabbing his chair you spin him towards you before cupping his face. “You’re exhausted.” His eyes would look dead if not for the ever present fire in them. Dimly lit under the weight of his world. “This isn’t helping.”

“I just need to be better.” He places his hand on top of yours but doesn’t move it. Instead he curls his fingers around it. “Figure out how to maximize everything. Be more efficient. Get more eyes and ears in places.”

“Rest.” Though you say it softly the word is firm. As unmoving and unwavering as you are. Though when the silence stretches on for too long you say, “Please. You need it, and I need you.”

He exhales. “Okay.”

“Come on, get up. We’re going to sit out on the terrace, have a meal, and get some sun.”

Bruce’s hand falls into your own as you lead him upstairs. Later he will hold you and tell you how it was never your fault, that you did the best you could here, in Gotham, at home. How you continue to do the best you could and he was so very grateful for you then convince you to rest a little yourself. Perhaps Alfred would find the two of you tucked into each other in a sitting room in the evening and a little tension would leave him as you two were beginning to come back to yourselves, to each other.

[her-power]

Last Chance to Dance (Part Three: Rockstar! e.m. x fem reader)

🚨🛑🔞18+++ MINORS DNI - YOU WILL BLOCKED🚨🛑🔞 TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNING (For entire series): Rockstar! Addict! Sweet! Mean! Eddie, smut, unprotected p+v, fluff, fingering (f receiving), masturbation, oral (m+f receiving), heavy drug use, descriptions of IV drug use, swearing, talks of anxiety, panic disorder, mental illness, talks of suicide

Eddie Munson Masterlist

Last Chance to Dance Part One Part Two

Summary: Full Summary on Part One

Word Count: 4.9k

I feel your hands on my waist before I open my eyes, your fingers trace a line down my abdomen, stopping above my pelvis. I let out a soft gasp and smile into the pillow. I feel your lips graze against my shoulder, leaving soft kisses. I feel you press your breasts against my back and your hand slinks down, grasping my length in your hand, gently fisting up and down. A soft moan escapes me, and your lips press against my neck. Your hands are soft, delicate and you pump me faster. I groan, turning my face to you, pressing my lips to yours. I turn on to my back, holding your face in my hand to deepen the kiss. 

“Mmmm.” I moan against your lips. “What a way to wake up.” 

You smile at me, pushing your body into mine. I hook your leg around my waist, kissing you deep. You continue to pump me with your hand while grinding against me; I can feel the wetness between your legs. I move myself on top of you; bringing your nipple into my mouth, squeezing your breasts and you moan softly. I grip your ass, kissing you deeply and I rub my hand against your clit and your opening. I groan loudly and push my cock inside you. You let out a gasp and I smile against your lips. It had been like this since yesterday; the snowstorm had finally let up this morning, but the plows had yet to come down the streets. I planned on shoveling out your car, but ever since we made love, we haven’t been able to stop. It was Christmas Eve, and I don’t think I’ve been sober for a holiday in ten years. I feel a small ache in my chest, and I pull away from your lips for a second to look at you. Your fingers curl through my hair, and I run my hand along your face, your jaw. I slowly rock my hips and your head falls back in pleasure; I continue to stare at you. How could this be real? How was it possible that fifteen years later we had found each other again? Over a letter? My eyes flutter close, and I bury my face in your shoulder, thrusting faster, you feel so good. 

I remember us back then, how young we were, full of life. There was so much passion, even when we fought. It was always the little things we fought about, how you knew how to get under my skin, and I knew exactly what buttons to push.  We had left Steve’s house after a house party. Well, you had left, because I was an asshole, and I had chased after you. It was pouring out. It was the middle of summer, but the rain was cold. 

“Baby, come on! I’m sorry!” I chase after you, stumbling over my own feet because I’m a little drunk. You’re drunk too, but you know how to handle yourself because you are a fucking champ. 

“You’re sorry.” You scoff, you’re picking up speed. “Sorry, sorry, sorry. You’re always fucking sorry!” 

“Stop, stop, stop.” I’m able to catch up with you and stop in front of you. The rain soaks the both of us, your black dress stuck to your skin, I could tell you were shivering. “You’re shivering, come on. Let’s go home.” 

“I’m not going home with you; I’d rather sleep outside.” You push past me, and I groan. 

“You’re seriously making a big deal out of nothing.” 

“Nothing?!” You turn towards me so fast it startles me, and I stumble backwards. “You told Steve that I’m a better fuck when I’m high!” 

“Baby, I was kidding!” I say, trying not to laugh. “It was a stupid joke. I didn’t mean it, I meant to tell him when you’re high, you get wild. And the sex is great—"

“Oh, because that makes it better! Get away from me.” You scoff, shoving me away. “I know he’s our best friend, but it would be nice if you kept our sex life private, that shits embarrassing.” 

I’m getting annoyed now, I was wet, cold, I felt like a drowned fucking rat. “Oh, but it’s okay for you to tell Robin I like getting fingered in the ass?” 

You stop walking and turn towards me. “She wasn’t supposed to say anything, and I was drunk when I told her that.” 

“I’m drunk now!” I almost laugh. “Baby, do you hear yourself? This is so stupid.” 

“You told Steve I was better at fucking when I was under the influence! That is not the fucking same! That’s YOU saying that I’m boring when I’m sober. That’s fucked up.” Your wet hair is sticking to your face, the rain is getting heavier, and I can see how cold you are. I’m able to grip your upper arms and you tense under my touch. 

“Sweetheart, you are the girl of my fucking dreams. Sober, not sober, you rock my fucking world.” You stare at me, your eyes darting from my eyes to my mouth. You lean in like you’re about to kiss me. 

“Liar.” You whisper under your breath and pull yourself out of my grip, turning away from me. I roll my eyes and groan. You’re walking faster away from me but still talking. “You can’t get shit past me. I may be fucking you now, but I’ve been your best friend since diapers, so I know when you’re full of shit.” 

“So, this is just what we’re doing? Just fucking? Nothing else?” I’m angry now, how dare you think that. 

You turn towards me, walking backwards. “I don’t know, you tell me Eddie. I feel like you have a fucking magnet to my vagina everytime you see me since we started having sex! I feel like that’s all you want from me.” 

“That’s not all I want from you, are you being serious right now?” I stare at you with my mouth open. “You’ve known me your whole life and you think it’s just the sex for me?” 

“What else could it be?” You sneer at me, and I shake my head, I’m pissed now. 

“Fine, think that. I’m not fucking stopping you.” Thunder booms in the distance and you storm away from me. We go opposite directions; you head towards your house, and I go to my trailer. Wayne was working another overnight and I was grateful I didn’t have to have a conversation. The rain was hard against my face as I run the few steps to the trailer. I run inside, the screen door slamming behind me. I pull my wet t-shirt over my head and toss it towards my room and light up a cigarette. My hair drips onto my skin and I grab a towel, squeezing out the wetness from my curls. The cigarette dangles from my lips and I almost choke on the smoke when I hear the screen door open and close, and you’re standing there, soaking from head to toe; your hair all over your face, your skin damp. You’re glowering at me, your chest heaving like you ran here. I put out the cigarette in the sink as we stare at each other. I walk towards you slowly and your eyes are still fixed on me like a wild animal. I grip your upper arms, and you try to move away from me, but I hold you in place. My mouth is inches from yours, and you sneer at me. 

“I really can’t stand you.” 

“Then why are you here?” I whisper to you; I tease my lips over yours and you groan. You pull me towards you by my hair, and we end up crashing into the kitchen counter. I hoist you up by your thighs and you kiss me desperately, wrapping your legs around me tight. You pull away from me again and are still glowering at me. 

“I really hate you.” 

“Yeah? Why don’t you show me how much you hate me?” I crash my lips against yours again, and your hands find my waist, pulling me closer. My hands go in between your legs, and you moan loudly. I push your underwear to the side; they were soaked from the rain and from you. You push me away by my chest, your hands in a hurry to undo my belt. I lean my palms against the cabinets next to your head, watching as you unzip me and pull down my pants, exposing my hardness. You kiss me again, pulling me towards you by my ass. I can see your nipples through the wet fabric of your dress, they peaked so nicely, I lean down and nip them through the fabric. You gasp and hold the back of my head, my fingers tickle your clit, and you moan against me, grabbing my dick. I scoot you towards me, holding your face in my hand. Your head falls back as I push myself inside you, and I groan. I fuck you against the cabinets, feeling every inch of your walls and feel your fingers claw my back. 

“I hate you.” You moan. “Fuck-I…” 

“Ungh, you feel so fucking good. Hate me all you want, baby, you’re not stopping me.” I moan when you grab my ass, pushing me deeper. You kiss me hungrily, opening your mouth wide, fighting my tongue with yours. I slam into you harder, your body thumps against the cabinet. “Mmmmm, like that baby?” 

“Fuck…yes…ohhhhh…” you bite my shoulder and I gasp, rolling my hips faster. The squelching of your wetness and the sounds of my balls hitting your cunt as I slam harder sends a blaze of euphoria through my entire soul. 

“Ohhh, fuck. Oh fuck. I’m gonna cum.” I groan against your shoulder, and I feel you move your hips with me. “Fuck yeah baby, just like that…unghhhh.” 

“Cum inside me, baby. I want my pussy to swallow you whole.” You say, staring deep into my eyes. I smile at you, my thrusts getting sloppy and I feel your pussy clench around my cock and you’re screaming. And I mean SCREAMING my fucking name and it sends me into a fucking spiral of madness and lust that I explode my entire load into your pussy, still fucking you. Not stopping for breath, your nails cut up my back as another orgasm cries out of you and you’re holding on to me while I hug your waist tightly. Our sounds loud and pornographic and it feels like the entire trailer is shaking. I pull myself back to look at you, moving your wet hair from your eyes. Your lips are parted as your breath comes out in waves. I hold your chin with my fingers, gently grazing my lips over yours.   

“Do you still hate me?” I whisper. 

“Always.” You say, licking my lips. 

I groan, smiling. “Good.” 

Down, down, down… I can hear them outside my door listening. They think I can’t hear them but I’m smarter than them. They’re trying to taunt me. They’re trying to break inside my head and feast on my brain. 

Both my arms sting as I crawl on my hands and knees underneath the windows. 

They try to mock your voice, getting me to open the door. You wouldn’t be here. You don’t even know where I live. What would you think of me right now? I wonder. Crawling on all fours, hiding from these imaginary creatures that are trying to feast on me. 

It’s not real. 

I’m not real, so they’re not real. 

We have two weeks off before we hit the last five cities of the tour. I’m in my cabin, in upstate New York. 

I bet these creatures followed me from the woods after my walk. 

What if Gareth sent these things? He hates me now, I’m just a junkie in his eyes, who still knows how to put on a good show so he can suck my dick. 

I had met my dealer yesterday; I was low on cash, he was willing to give me a discount if he could suck me off, so I let him, and then he wanted me to fuck him, so I did that too. 

Men, women, it didn’t matter anymore. If I got something out of it, I didn’t care what I put my dick in. 

They’re chatting outside my door now. I need to stop the noise. I crawl to my coffee table, blindly searching for a needle. 

I find one, and my stash, loading up the chamber with the drugs. I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror, my veins in both my arms are fucking sore, so I find a good one in my neck. My eyes flutter close, and I smile, awkwardly stumbling back to my living room. I couldn’t even feel the sweet burn anymore, it was almost like the burn was just built into my now. 

I sit on the couch. 

It’s quiet again. 

Thankfully.

I can’t handle the noise again. 

“Generals gathered in their masses…just like witches at black masses, evil minds that plot destruction…” I sing the beginning of War Pigs by Black Sabbath under my breath as my head lulls back against the couch. My phone buzzes in my pocket; I slowly take it out of my pocket and put it to my ear. 

“Eddie?” It was Ted.

“Did I miss curfew again?” I say and a stupid laugh escapes me.

“Jesus Eddie.” He says quietly. “Are you by yourself?”

“Nope, they’re outside my door. I think they’re asleep, they’re quiet now.” I tell him, curling my legs up to my chest.

“Who? What are you talking about?”

“I think Gareth sent them; they think I can’t hear them.” 

“Eddie, I’m coming to you. I’ll be there in an hour.” He says, he sounds panicked, then I begin to panic.

“No! Teddy! If they see you, they’ll hurt you! I can’t let them hurt you.” I feel tears spring to my eyes. “Please, man. I can’t lose you too.” 

“Just stay put, buddy. I’ll be there soon.” 

“Okay, okay.” I nod into the phone, and he hangs up. Part of me knew that whatever those things were weren’t real, and it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but they felt real to me. I know I didn’t just do heroin tonight; I think ketamine too. Cocaine? I had to protect Ted; he has done so much for me. I get up from the couch, taking the metal baseball bat I keep near my door. I swing open my front door, the hinges squeaking, and I stare out into the darkness of the woods. “Come on mother fuckers!” I yell out. “Think you can fuck with me?!”

I hear my voice echo around me, and all that talks back is the silence. I laugh, twirling the bat in my hands. “That’s what I thought, pussies!” 

I hear something skitter on the grass in front of my porch and I yelp, falling back on my ass, the bat rolling away from me. I scramble to my feet and run back in the cabin, shutting the door and locking it. I slide down to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest, I keep my eyes on the window, I have to look for Ted’s headlights, to make sure I can get him in safely. They weren’t gonna hurt him, I’d rather die than have something hurt him. 

I see the headlights reflect off the window, and I quickly stand up. I hear his footfalls go up the wooden steps of the porch and I open the door. “Get in, get in!” I say, grabbing his arm and pulling him in, he stumbles into my living room. 

“Eddie, what the fuck?” He says, staring at me with wide eyes. 

I turn to him, and I whisper. “They’re out there.” 

“Eddie, there’s no one out there.” He tells me gently. 

“There is, there is.” My eyes are wide, I can feel it. I can also feel my tears on my cheeks. “They live in the woods.” 

Ted grasps me by my forearms. “I think…I think you’re gonna have to take it easy the next few days.” 

I stare at him, and nod. “Yeah…yeah, I need to rest. I need to…I feel like I’m going insane. They’re not out there?” 

“No, son.” He tells me quietly. “Where is your stuff?” 

“B-back bedroom and there.” I tell him, pointing to the coffee table where my needles were, my empty bag of drugs, and a few loose pills. He takes everything off the table, and I shiver, watching him walk away. “Where are you going?” My voice sounds younger, childlike.

“I’ll be right back, buddy. Just sit down. I’ll fix us something to eat.” I nod at him again and sit on my couch. Was this what my life was now? Constant paranoia, fearful of what walks outside. I look down at my arms, even with all my tattoos, you could see how black and blue my arms were. The track marks went all the way up towards my wrists, my arms looked skeletal. When was the last time I ate? 

Did people really still enjoy our shows? How could they not tell how fucked up I was every show? We were still up on the charts; Rolling Stone wanted another interview after the tour. 

I run my hands through my hair and shiver. This was madness. I was a fucking madman. 

The next morning, I wake up, feeling an ache in my stomach. No no no no. I try to move from the couch but every single muscle in my body feels stiff. I groan loudly, was I dying? Was this death? 

I look at the coffee table, none of my stash was there. I grit my teeth, trying to sit up. 

“Ted!” I yell, my throat was raw. 

I see his form come into the living room; his hair was tied up in a bun. I try to sit up but a wave of a nausea hits me. 

“You’re finally awake.” He says, putting a mug of coffee in front of me. The smell alone makes me dry heave. 

“What?” I hold my stomach, and grimace. “Fuck why is it so cold in here?” 

“You’ve been sleeping for two days.” Ted tells me and my eyes snap to his. Realization hits my gut, and I start to remember a few days ago. I told him to get rid of my stuff, that I needed a rest. 

No. No. No. No. 

“Where did you put it?” I ask, my teeth grind as it feels like my stomach is being clawed at. 

“It’s gone, Eddie. I did what you asked me to do.” He stares at me, and my eyes narrow. 

“Well, I was fucking lying!” I groan out in pain, my body folds back on the couch. “FUCK. This hurts, Teddy this hurts so bad.” I feel sweat pool behind my neck and my joints feel locked in place. “I need it, man. It’s the only thing that will make this pain stop.” 

“It’s gone, Eddie. I’m sorry.” He tells me, leaning back in his seat. 

“Fuck you!” I growl and tears spring to my eyes. “Why did you come here?!” 

“Because you were fucking losing it!” He yells at me. “Saying there were these things outside, taunting you, that Gareth sent them. Eddie, you’re rotting your brain with this shit!” 

A painful groan and sob escape me, and I gag. He brings a large cooking pot over to me and I vomit into it. My insides felt like they were on fire, nothing I did was making me comfortable. I clench my fingers against my stomach, my body was trembling. 

“I’ll give you Motrin for the pain.” 

“Fuck that!” I scream at him. “Ughhhhhhh. Fuck. Teddy, please, please I need something stronger.” 

“No.” He says, no emotion in his tone. 

I grit my teeth. “Fuuuuck you! Please, please man. I just need it to stop.” 

He leans back in the chair, lighting up a cigarette, just watching me. I wanted to fly off that couch and strangle him, but everything hurt. I was stuck there. 

I had passed out, the pain getting to be too much. I had taking off my clothes in the middle of the night and was just in my boxers. Ted was sitting in the recliner chair; some stupid fucking show was on the television. I had slid off the couch on my hands and knees, grunting as I crawled towards him. “I need…the fucking drugs, Teddy.” My voice is hoarse, and my muscles feel stiff. My head pushes against his thigh and he holds me back by my shoulders. I groan angrily; my palms were sweating as I tried to force my way through him. Tears pool from my eyes as another wave of pain hits my joints. 

“Please.” I sob. “I’ll do anything…I just want this pain to stop.” I feel his eyes on me, and I gaze up at him. 

He holds my face in his hands. “No.” 

I collapse onto my back, my chest heaving with sobs. “Fuck you, man. Why are you doing this to me?” He doesn’t respond. “Answer me!!!” 

I don’t even know what day it is. 

But I want to die. I want these withdrawals to take me out. I almost shit myself tonight. Ted had to drag me to the bathtub. I couldn’t stop crying; it was too much. 

I think I was saying your name in my sleep. Ted kept asking me who you were, and I finally said, “the girl that I loved and lost.” He said he never remembers me ever talking about you, and I tell him that it hurts too much to talk about. 

The shaking has stopped, my bones don’t feel like they’re breaking anymore. I still want to die, I’m feeling everything. 

“Get up. Take a shower.” Ted tells me, nudging my shoulder. I turn away from him, curling my legs up to my chest. “Eddie. Get. Up.” He shakes my arm again; I slap his arm away. 

“Get the fuck away from me.” I grumble. 

“You’re acting like a child. Get up, man.” He says, sighing loudly. I don’t answer him, and before I know it, he’s throwing me over his shoulder. I’m kicking and screaming all the way to the bathroom. I’m surprised he can carry me. Well, I’m sure I don’t weigh much. He plops me down in the shower and turns it on, the water bites my skin and I scream at him. 

“You’re a fucking asshole!” I scream at him, trying to get out, but the warm water against my skin feels good and I stop. 

“Clean yourself up. You’re starting to stink.” He tells me, throwing a washcloth at me. 

“I could fire your ass, you know.” I snap at him, standing under the stream, my hair soaking. “Are you gonna stand there and watch me like I’m a fucking mental patient? Get out of here.” 

“Fire me all you want, I’m not leaving.” He says, closing the shower curtain and I hear him sit on the lid of the toilet. 

“Stubborn prick.” I grumble, squirting shampoo onto my hand and putting it through my hair. I could feel how gross and greasy my hair was, it felt stiff. 

“I may be a stubborn prick, but you should feel lucky that I’m here.” 

“Yeah, so lucky.” I scoff. “Once we’re back on the road I will find a way to get high again.” 

“Okay, that’s your choice.” He sounds like he’s flipping through the magazine. 

“Yeah, it is my choice. This wasn’t.” I peak my head behind the curtain to glare at him. 

“You told me you needed a rest. Probably a good thing, wouldn’t want you worrying about little creatures crawling into your bed at night.” He says, meeting my eyes and smirking. 

“Oh, fuck you.” I close the curtain forcefully, washing my body until it was raw. I’m able to actually look at my arms. They were scabbed over; the bruises had a yellow tint to them. 

“Who’s the girl?” Ted asks me. 

“What?” I wipe the soap from my eyes. 

“The girl you’ve been moaning about in your sleep.” 

I pause. I feel my stomach clench and my heart ache, I let the shower rinse the shampoo from my hair. “No one.” I snap. 

“Doesn’t sound like no one.” He says, and I hear him light up a cigarette. 

I sigh. “Someone I knew, back in Hawkins.” 

“Girlfriend?” 

It takes me a minute to answer him. “More than that.” I mutter. 

“What happened?” 

“Jesus, Ted. I don’t want to talk about it.” I turn off the shower and open the curtain, squeezing the water out of my hair. “Hand me a towel.” 

“Say the magic words.” I hear the arrogance in his voice. 

“Hand me a fucking towel, please.” 

He pulls a towel off the hook and throws it at me. I dry myself off, wrapping the towel around my waist and I walk towards the adjoining bedroom. I toss on a long-sleeved t-shirt and pull on a pair of dark jeans. It was early spring, but up here, it still felt like winter. I throw on some thick socks and take my cigarettes off my dresser. The smell of bacon hits my nostrils and my stomach rumbles painfully. I really don’t remember when the last time I ate was. I walk to the kitchen, seeing Ted with a dish towel over his shoulder, and plates of bacon, sausage. He was making eggs now. 

There was coffee in the pot, I move past him to grab a mug and pour myself a cup. I poured half the sugar into the mug; I still felt shitty, but the shower had helped some. 

I sit down at the table, lighting up a cigarette, pulling my leg up to my chest. The Eagles played softly on the radio, and I close my eyes, inhaling on the cigarette. I jump when Ted places the plate in front of me and I glare at him. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, was that too loud?” He asks me sarcastically. “Why don’t you stop glowering at me and eat the damn food.” 

I scoff, sipping my coffee and biting into my meal. The taste and aroma of the breakfast fills all my senses and I have to control myself from shoving all of it into my gullet. 

Fuck. 

I forgot he could cook. 

I mean, breakfast was easy to cook but he used to be a chef so, he puts his own twist on it. I was full once I was done, and Ted had given me two Motrin which I reluctantly took. The rest of the day went by surprisingly smoothly, I had written a few songs with the acoustic while Ted sat in the recliner chair, watching his dumb television show. 

I decided to fuck with him the following day, to pass the time. I had some coins in my pocket, his opened coke can was in the cup holder next to him. I put the coin in between my two fingers and lined it up just right, launching the coin right into the mouth of the can. It splashed a little on him and he glares at me. 

“Lucky shot.” 

I take another coin, and the same thing happens, I smile at him. He shakes the soda drippings off his hand. 

“Don’t fuck with me, kid.” He grumbles and I launch another coin into the can, and I laugh. He throws his shoe at me, and I laugh louder. I’m able to get a smirk out of him, and we go back to sharing the comfortable silence. 

Evening approaches, and he had made us some steaks on the grill. It was a warm night, so we sat out on the back porch, the fire pit going as we smoked cigarettes. I lean back in my seat, staring up at the stars. My body still hurt, but this was the first time in a long time I felt content. 

“The girl you heard me talking about was my first love.” I tell him quietly. “And my only love.” 

“What happened?” He asks me gently, inhaling on his cigarette. 

“I happened. Well, my stupidity happened.” I sigh, letting the smoke billow from my nostrils. “We grew up together, did everything together. Her dad had died when she was a baby, her mom was a drunk. My mom was dead, and my dad was in jail, so we only had each other. And Wayne. Wayne made sure we were taken care of the best he could. We got older, and we fell in love.” I stub out the cigarette in the ashtray and I light up another. “This was a fucking insane kind of love. A lot of passion, a lot of arguing, a lot of laughing. She drove me crazy, but not as much as I drove her crazy. When I started to realize how deep my feelings were for her, I got scared. So I left.”

“Why?” He asks me. 

“I ask myself that every day, man.” I chuckle. “Doesn’t matter now. She’s probably happily married with kids somewhere. And I’m here, detoxing from heroin in a cabin in the woods.” 

“She sounds like she was one hell of girl.” Ted says with a smile. 

“Yeah, she was.” I smile back at him. 

That was the first time in a long time I felt at ease with myself. That was also the first time in a long time Ted, and I had sat down with each other and just shared comfortable silence. 

Should’ve known that I was going to fuck that all up again. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* a/n: hi! I know it's short, but I'm just preparing you for the next couple of parts. Fair warning it's...well, you'll see. *insert evil laugh here* My son is having surgery on Thursday to get tubes in his ears so I will leave you with this, and maybe about a week for the next installment, maybe sooner. Who knows?! Again, I love you guys. <3

[restinslices]

Liar Pt2

Me finally writing the part 2?! Wow! So this part is honestly filler. It's Matthias being in his own head and meeting Nina, who will become an ally. Imma be real, nothing happens BUT LISTEN- it's setting shit up. Have faith. Enjoy his mental crisis. Druskelle!Matthias Helvar x Heartrender!Wife!Reader (she does not make an apperance-) Word Count: 2059 Summary: Ever since you've left, Matthias has had conflicting thoughts about your relationship and it's driving him insane, but an unlikely friend makes him realize not all hope is lost. Y/N - Your Name D/N - Daughter Name Link to part 1

(Lowkey should've used this gif for part 1 and part1's for this, but rip)

“Dear my love and life,

I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should say sorry again for the whatever thousandth time. I never know how to start these, so I always say I’m sorry. I wish Djel gave me the power to go back in time and fix the mistakes I’ve made. I wish I could go back and hug you when you told me about you being Grisha, instead of pushing you away. I wish I would’ve held you and told you I’d forever love you instead of calling you a witch. I wish when I woke up, I had my wife beside me and my daughter in the room next to ours. I have lots of wishes, and since I can’t change the past, I have a wish that’s selfish and cruel.

I wish you both were dead. I wish that the Druskelle had found and killed you two, or all of you instead of just Elise and Erik. 

I know I sound terrible, but not knowing where you are or how you are hurts more than you two being dead. I wish that one day, I’m sitting at home and someone comes in to say they found and killed you both.

Am I a bad person for thinking this? I’ve heard rumors about other countries. I’ve heard Ravka trains their children for war. I’ve heard Shu Han does terrible experiments on Grisha. I’ve heard in The Wandering Isle that the Kaelish kill Grisha so they can drink their blood. I’ve heard in Kerch, Grisha are put under contracts and basically become slaves. I’d rather you be dead than go through any of that. 

My love, you remember the day I proposed to you. I know you do. What you don’t know is that the night before I did so, I sat outside for hours. I couldn’t possibly sleep when I was terrified about what I was gonna do. I saw a star that shined brighter than the others, and for some reason, I thought it could be Djel watching over me. I prayed and begged Djel to convince you to say yes, and you did. 

Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong. Maybe I’m too busy wishing, instead of praying, but I haven’t felt like praying in so long. Maybe if I find that star again, he’ll hear me better like he did the first time. Maybe I’ll get another chance and we’ll all run away. Maybe-”

“Anything going on up there?” the Grisha woman asked.

Matthias found himself writing a lot since you left. Not in some diary though. He’d write letters to you and his daughter, then throw them in the fireplace and watch it be engulfed in flames. 

At first the letters were angry and full of betrayal. You lied to him for years. You used him. That’s what he thought at first.

It had been days and you hadn’t been caught. He happened to have paper and ink around him, so he wrote this letter filled with insults, profanities and accusations, then he threw it in the fireplace. Although he wrote all this down, about how you were a liar and a witch, he didn’t go with the druskelle to try and capture you. Others assumed that your “witchcraft” made him still feel sick, but in reality, Matthias knew deep down that if he saw you he wouldn’t be able to take the shot. He would’ve been expected to either kill or capture his ex wife and child and he knew he couldn't. You were his love, and once your daughter was born, you both promised each other to make her number one in your lives. You’d raise her with love and guidance and make sure she never knew a lonely day. You even promised each other that if one was to die, the other had to keep going everyday even if they didn’t want to. You both promised to make her your whole life. Now he was expected to forget all about that. He wanted to forget all about you, but he couldn’t.

His letters went from angry to pleading. Sometimes his letters would be destroyed by his own tears before it even reached the fire. This especially happened whenever an important date passed, like your daughter’s birthday. It hit him hard then. The loneliness became more apparent. Matthias had quit being a Druskelle, telling Brum some bullshit about how his head still didn’t feel right and he didn’t want to mess something up. In reality, being a Druskelle didn’t feel right anymore. His brothers gave him sympathy, saying you were evil and he was strong for realizing this and breaking out of your spell, but it didn’t make sense. When people look back at their memories with a manipulator or abuser, they notice signs. They see things they didn’t see before. And while Matthias did indeed notice signs that you were Grisha, he didn’t see any signs of evil. 

Matthias knew you even before his family was killed, and you stood by him as he mourned. You stayed even when he was sure you’d leave. How could you possibly be evil? It didn’t make sense. 

Matthias doesn’t know why he accepted Brum’s offer to go on another exploration. Maybe it was loneliness. He had practically isolated himself for two years. No more you. No more D/N. No more brotherhood.

Or maybe he was hoping somehow they’d find you and he’d be able to escape with you.

Either way, he accepted. A mistake.

The boat ended up sinking and Matthias was sure he’d die, until he suddenly felt his heart speeding up in his chest. When he came to, he realized one of the Grisha, a heartrender with brown hair and a smart mouth, had saved him. Granted, it was just so he could push them to shore, but at least he was breathing.

They found a hut, slept by each other, and that’s when he realized two things.

Number one, your wedding ring, which he always kept in his pocket, was gone.

Number two, when the woman sped his heart up so he stayed warm, it felt familiar. It was how he felt when he laid next to you. He always assumed that maybe his heart beat so fast because being near you was the greatest honor and he hadn’t gotten used to it. He’d still say that was true, but the reality was that you used your power to keep him warm every single night. If he hadn’t been around someone, he might’ve cried.

He heard fingers snapping next to his ear. “Druskelle? Anyone up there?”.

Matthias blinked hard to snap himself out of his thoughts, then cleared his throat. His eyes had been on the fire in front of him the whole time, as if he could burn his letter like he usually did. He looked to the side as the woman sat next to him. He couldn’t even remember what they were talking about.

It was as if she read his mind since next she said, “you were telling me all about Fjerdan woman then you stopped. Hoping one appears?”.

“Yes” he answered without thinking.

~~~

Matthias refused to answer any of her questions. In all honesty, she was annoying him. She was incredibly nosey and kept insisting they were lost, but they couldn’t have been lost because Druskelle didn’t get lost! All trees look the same! Rocks look the same! A certain patch of snow looked the same as other patches of snow!

They were lost. Dammit.

Matthias sat on a big rock with a flat top in defeat. What good was being alive if they were just gonna freeze to death?

The woman sat next to him, “I’m gonna ask a few questions if you don’t mind”.

“I do mind”.

“What’s your name? I like ‘Dumb Druskelle’ but surely you were born with something else. Todd? A Kevin maybe? James?”. Matthias hated she gave the same comfort a friend would. It was strange. He didn’t know her, but he had been so lonely that he enjoyed having someone else near. And if he was gonna die, he wouldn’t mind dying with someone else. 

Although Matthias was silent, she kept going. “Who’s back home for you?”.

“No one” he thought.

The woman pulled something out of one of her pockets and presented it to him. It was your wedding ring, the one he thought probably sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Before he could speak she said “I grabbed it before it sunk too far. Figured I could use it as leverage to make you get us to shore, but you agreed before I could”. Matthias took it and since no one he knew was around, he put it back on.

Some people prefer the feeling of a weight lifting off of them, but he preferred the weight the ring added to his finger even if it wasn’t that huge of a change. The woman was still looking at him then he had an idea. If she was Ravkan and you ran there, maybe she knew you! He asked her if he knew a woman fitting your description with a child that had recently came to Ravka. When she said she was usually in and out of the palace, but had gotten a letter from a friend who mentioned a new Grisha with a child he felt conflicted. On one hand, this could’ve been you and this meant you were safe. On the other hand, this meant his daughter was probably being trained to become a soldier for whatever other war Ravka would join. 

She made a sarcastic remark, asking if he had been hunting this woman also and she happened to get away. He spilled his guts then. He told her everything. How you met, how you were always there for him, how you fell in love, your marriage, your child, the incident, him turning on you. All of it. It felt amazing to say out loud to someone else.

“You had an incredible wife but chased her and your child away? Remember when I said there was a brain inside all that muscle? I lied”. He didn’t argue. What was the point? “What would you do if you managed to see her or your child again?”.

He thought about this every night and he still didn’t know. He’d apologize but what then? Let you go? Beg for another chance? What if you had met someone else by now? “I don’t know” he answered honestly “but I’d beg for as long as she wanted me to”.

“You do realize that you were gonna kill more Grisha on that boat right?”

“You would go on trial”

“Your trials are a sham, we’ve been over this. The loneliness won’t end by becoming a Druskelle again. You and I both know it”. Matthias went quiet again as he thought. He hated she was nosey, he hated that everything that came out her mouth was sarcastic or said with an attitude, but more importantly 

He hated she was right.

“I have known one way my entire life. I don’t know how to be anything else. I… I don’t know if I can be better”.

“It’s possible” she said. She stood and moved so she was in his view. “Get on your feet-”. It all happened so quick then. She backed up, then all Matthias heard was the ground crumbling and her screams. He dived down, catching her hands. 

She pleaded for Matthias to pull her up and for a split second, he thought he’d let her fall. 

He refused to turn his back on anyone else though.

He pulled her up and let her catch her breath on the ground. After a few seconds, he stood with his hand outstretched, “Matthias… Helvar”.

She took his hand and let him help her to her feet. “Nina Zenik. Nice to make your acquaintance”. Matthias draped one of the fur coverings he was wearing on her shoulders then they started walking again.

“You saved my life”

“I put you in chains. It was the least I could do”.

“That’s all very true, but I was going to say something before I fell”. Nina grabbed his arm, making him stop and look at her. 

“I’m going to help you find your family”.

A/N: I need to stop deciding to write at 11pm-. Anyway, did anything really happen this part? No. Lowkey this should say part 1.5 but that looks ugly so here we are. I will not procrastinate for another two months, I promise. Also I remembered that Matthias is 18 and ya'll kid is 10, so uhhh let's say the kid is 6 and ya'll are mid twenties. Imma edit the last part too, don't even worry. I think part 3 will be the last part unless I decide it's too long and split it. Taglist: @luvrrish @katie-the-bookworm @favouritefeverdream (Idk if you wanted to be tagged, but you commented so imma do it anyway)

[deathbyhertouch]

Effervescence (A Remedy for Sadness)

Lucy Dacus x f!reader

AN: Congrats to those who voted for this on my poll, I will release the other two either later this week or sometime next week.

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: Smut (mdni), body worship, sad start, oral (reader receiving), overstimulation, squirting, deep love, fingering, heavy fluff

Enjoy!

Your day was just awful beyond belief, work was a nightmare, you ended up getting a parking ticket on your lunch hour, and you were due to start your period in a few days so your emotions were all out of whack. You wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and hide for an eternity. On top of all that, you haven’t had so much as a moment for you and your girlfriend, Lucy. You were feeling quite a bit of low self esteem, and your bloating was just starting. As you thought it would never end, your workday ended and you could finally leave this dreadful place. 

When you got home, you saw that Lucy was nowhere to be found. You felt a pang of sadness, but you knew she wouldn’t be too far behind you. You dropped your purse and work tote onto the kitchen table before making your way to the bedroom. You changed into an oversized shirt and opted out of a pair of sleep shorts. You just about swan dived into the bed and buried yourself under the covers. You couldn’t help the heavy tears that finally leaked out of your eyes. You were in hysterics, sobbing and panting to yourself, not even noticing that Lucy came home and wandered her way into the bedroom.

“What’s wrong, lovebug?” her voice gentle, so as to not spook you. You slowly peeked your head from under the duvet to see her beautiful face in front of yours. You couldn’t help the heavy sob that escaped your lips.

“I’ve had an awful day, one you wouldn’t believe.” You began to explain to her before continuing; “and on top of all of this I feel like I haven’t been a good girlfriend to you, you deserve better.” your sobs continued on and she frowned at the statement.

“My love, I couldn’t fathom being with anyone with you. You treat me unbelievably well and I know you think you don’t but words can not express how much I adore you.” She whispered to you, pressing her soft lips all over your face. As if a lightbulb suddenly came on, her body language changed drastically. She stood up and pulled the covers back from you. You silently protested but let her continue as she took your hands in hers and pulled you into an upright sitting position.

“Luce, what are you doing?” your voice was shaky and raw from your sobs. She wiped your remaining tears with her thumbs before pressing another kiss to your lips this time.

“Well, I told you I can’t express how much you mean to me with words, so maybe I better show you.” She said, a large grin painting her face. You gave her a small smile, feeling a blush creeping up your neck. She pulled your hands until you were standing up in front of her. 

“Is that alright?” She asked, looking at you with pure awe and admiration. You nodded and she giggled. She let go of your hands and moved hers to your waist.

“I know your period is due soon and you probably feel like you look bad right now but I promise you I have never been more in love with you than I am right here, in this moment.” She told you genuinely. She sank to her knees and your breath quickened. Her hands rubbed your stomach lightly, almost enough to make you ticklish. You smiled down at her, wondering how you ever got as lucky as you did with this absolute goddess. Her hands were comforting against your searing skin, melting your stress away to nothing. You couldn’t help but let out the moan and she continued her conquest against your skin.

“You don’t see you like I see you. What I see is the love of my life, who brings me joy on my worst days, who never fails to see the beauty in me when I am feeling like you are now.” Her words made you start sobbing all over again, only this time you were smiling and feeling truly appreciated for who you are. 

Your tears didn’t last long however as her soft hands made their way up to your chest, your shirt moving up with them.

“My darling girl. You are so beautiful and so special to me, I wish I could make you believe me.” Her words a whisper against your skin. She kissed your stomach and upwards towards your now exposed breasts. Her trail of kisses ended as she wrapped her rouge lips around your taught nipple. Your head fell backwards at the touch of her mouth. Her tongue swirled around and around your hardened bud and she hummed, the vibrations moving like lightning up your body. Your hands found their way to her cheeks and you tugged gently, pulling her face up to yours. Your lips met in a feverish kiss and she wrapped her arms around your waist, eliciting a moan to escape. 

She took the lead, gently guiding you backwards until your legs met the mattress. She sat you down and broke the kiss. You whined at the loss of contact, chasing her mouth as she pulled back. Her hands pulled the shirt over your head and she looked at you with a twinkle in her eyes. You suddenly felt sheepish in front of the woman you’ve been dating seriously for years now. She had never failed to make you feel loved, so your brain didn’t understand why you suddenly felt the urge to cover yourself in front of her. 

She kissed you again, taking her time with your mouth before trailing down your neck. She left you breathless as she left wet, open-mouthed kisses in her wake. Your head lulled back and you sighed deeply, feeling nothing but bliss as your mind began to get hazy. She smiled against your skin as her mouth was back on your chest again. She used her hands to push you back so you were laying atop the mattress. She took your other nipple in more mouth, tugging lightly on the bud to get your sweet moans to come out. She rubbed her thumb over the other nipple before giving it a slight pinch. 

“Baby, p-please, touch me, make love to me, anything.” You spoke softly to her, your arousal now ever so present, pooling into your panties. She released your nipple and began her descent towards your core. She came to a stop over your clothed pussy, inhaling deeply at your scent. She smiled at the sight of the wet patch that formed on your panties. She grew closer, her nose brushing against your clit. You let out a desperate cry, begging for her to do something to you. She let out a small laugh and pressed a chaste kiss to your clit. Your hips bucked into her face and she brought her hands to your hips, holding you down, the action slowly turning you feral.

“Look at how pretty you are, sweet girl. You have made such a mess and we have barely gotten started.” Her words spoke to you like pure poetry. You let out a whine and she clicked her tongue at you, as if she were scolding a child. She pulled away completely and took your aching feet in her hands. She turned around, grabbing a bottle of lotion off the nightstand. She turned back to you before squeezing a generous amount into her hands. She rubbed it into your skin, fingers digging into the soles of your feet. You moaned at her touch, the tensions in your feet leaving your body. She worked over your skin, taking her sweet time with you, only adding to the wetness between your legs. She worked over the other foot, making sure to give it the same amount of devotion and attention as the first.

When she was done, she moved at a glacial pace up your legs, up to your core. She ran a single digit against your covered center. The sound that came deep from your throat was downright filthy. She smirked before pressing another kiss to your heat. You gasped and she pulled your panties to the side and finally gave you what you’ve been craving. She flattened her tongue against your entrance and licked a long stripe up to your clit. 

“Oh fuck, Luce.” You cried out, tears threatening to spill down your cheeks again. She latched onto your clit, humming against it. The feeling was almost too much as your orgasm was already close. You tried to bring your hands to her hair to get a grip when she pulled away and yanked your soaked underwear down your legs, haphazardly tossing them behind her. She resumed her position, lips against your pussy. You groaned, fingers digging into the sheets. 

Your orgasm came crashing over you, your sweet release finally set free at the hands of your lover. She worked you through it, her tongue working wonders against you. When you finally came back to reality, she did not let up on you.

“Baby, I-I can’t. Fuck, m’too sensitive.” You croaked, but the words fell on deaf ears. She smiled against your clit and you felt her fingers circling your entrance. She gathered your arousal on the tips of her fingers and she slipped two in, pumping and curling inside you. You let out a moan that started deep within your chest. 

“C’mon my love, be a good girl for me and give me another. I know you can.” She spoke against your center, juices dripping down her chin. She found that sweet spot inside you and her pace picked up. You were a whining mess, hips bucking into her face as your second orgasm was racing towards you. The hand that was still on your hips was holding you firmly, while her other was relentlessly pumping in and out your pussy. The squelching sound it made was enough to make you feel downright filthy. You looked into her eyes, her pupils blown and a sheer layer of sweat blessed her face. She sucked harder, coaxing your next orgasm out of you.

“Babe, m’coming. I can’t hold on any longer.” You gasped, your knuckles white from gripping the sheets so tight. You felt a rush of adrenaline surge through you and your vision started getting spotty as you came onto her fingers. She slowed down and worked you through your second release. You lifted your head up and look down at her through glossy eyes. Eyes that quickly grew to the size of saucers as she pulled away. 

“Fuck baby doll, I didn’t realize you were a squirter.” She quipped, pure ego coming off her tongue. It was true, her white t-shirt was now fairly see through and clung tightly against her, giving you an excellent view of her braless tits. The sheets now had a large wet patch and her chin dripping with your arousal. She leaned up and kissed you, tongue pushing into your mouth, moaning at the taste of you. You were so in love with the ethereal goddess in front of you. When she pulled back from the wet kiss, she sucked her fingers into her mouth, her eyes not once leaving yours.

“Why, Ms. Dacus, you seemed to have cleared my blues. Might I return the favor?” You spoke, wanting to show her just how grateful you were for her.

Hope you enjoyed! This will be a one-off but please send me more ideas for Lucy.

Love, A

[astrobolical]

When you’ve got a cold-

Content Warnings: None— fluff, colds I guess?

Reader: Gender Neutral

This isn’t proofread, and I’ve been sick since Saturday so this is purely self indulgent. I just hope it makes sense. Just headcanons because my brain is in a fog and I can’t get out of it. ;;

» Leviathan had been confused when you weren’t answering your D.D.D. when his new game came in— did you suddenly realize you were too good for him? Did you find someone better to spend your time with?!

» After grappling with the flood of negative thoughts, though, he goes to see you, hearing a muffled ‘come in’ from behind your door after he knocks

» He was surprised to find you curled up on your bed, sluggishly moving to sit up as he entered, bundled up in your comforter like a lil’ human burrito

» When you explain that you’re sick he feels a rush of relief (you don’t hate him!!) and worry all at the same time— humans are fragile! Are you going to come out of this?! Is it curable? Surely you need a doctor!

» After some coaxing (and a small coughing fit) you manage to explain to him that it’s nothing life threatening, just a cold and that you’d be fine after some rest and some medicine (courtesy of Solomon)

» Though unhappy you went to Solomon first, he does understand why (he also does acknowledge he’d have no clue what to give you as far as medicine went)

» He insists he’ll at least spend time with you, even when you explain that you’ll really just be sleeping a lot and that you don’t want to get him sick, too

» He almost relents, but a burst of envy has him a little more demanding. What if one of his brothers found you like this?! They’d never leave you alone! So how could he?

» So, in order to save you from his brothers’ antics he insists on you coming to his room— the safest place to hide out, as far as Levi is concerned. He insists he’ll be fine, he won’t catch some normie, human cold

» That’s how you found yourself watching Levi game from a comfortable mess of blankets and pillows propped up in his bathtub

» It was comfortable for both of you— you could rest when you needed without interruption, or watch him play his games when you were awake and converse if you felt well enough. Levi got to give you a safe place to recover, and the pleasure of your company

» It never mattered to Levi if you were both doing the same thing or not, he just loved having you around him, knowing you were opting to stay with him

» Since he’s always staying stocked up in his room he doesn’t have to leave very often, he’ll have whatever you could want or need at your fingertips— and he’ll even make trips out for you if you ask! That’s just how much you mean to him!

» Will absolutely melt if you use his lap as a pillow while he’s sitting on the floor playing on his consoles, especially if you fall asleep on him— how cute!!! MC!! That’s too cute!!

» Does take a few photos, but he’ll never show them to anyone, ever! He just can’t get over how much you trust him even if you’re in this weakened state

» Will never turn away your affections, even if you hesitate due to not wanting to pass this onto him— don’t move away! It’s okay! He swears if he gets sick it is what it is! But he won’t. (Lies)

» In the end he keeps you hydrated, entertained and well… very protected. No one bothered you while you were in his room. Only once and the threat of Lotan had Lucifer telling his brothers’ to leave MC to rest where you choose (and you chose HIS ROOM, so HA)

» He’ll absolutely cuddle up with you in his tub, either to sleep beside you or to have you lay on his chest while he plays something on his D.D.D. Or a handheld console. You’re a tangle of limbs, pillows and blankets but you wouldn’t change it for the world— especially how his tail curls around you and keeps you close

» When you do start to recover and have a bit more energy to spare Levi will be ecstatic to show you the new game he got!! Now that you can enjoy it, you can ride out the rest of your cold with him and this game he got for the two of you

» Be prepared though, despite his protests he’s absolutely getting sick

» And he has no idea how to handle human colds, so please pamper the boy and return the favour— he went out of his way for you!!

» In the end though, you both end up locked away for a solid week and a half until both of you were finally clear of any illness

» As much as getting sick sucked, Levi tells you the next time you get sick you should absolutely come right to him! His room can be your safe place

» Though when you go out next you’re dogpiled by his brothers who’ve been missing your attention (and were also worried!), so maybe go out in intervals next time…

[escapingrealtiylovinginsanity]

Rewind, Remix, Replay Jay & Kim 6x7

For such a short chapter this took me forever to write and it still didn’t come out exactly how I wanted it to. I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life and I’m trying to work on my mental health. I will try to get back to posting once a week but if not know this story is still going! Thanks to everyone for their support and comments.

You can read the rest of the series here

Kim could see the signs. If a bomb going off barely a yard away from Jay’s feet wasn’t enough adding in a military veteran he couldn’t save and an Islamic woman he almost shot for holding what he thought was a gun but was actually a baby was the perfect set of triggers to send Jay back into a full-fledged PTSD episode.

Jay had been fidgety, irritable, hyper-aware, and having difficulty focusing. He had been restless as they were getting ready for bed. After she had brushed her teeth, she had padded into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Jay was scrubbing down the already clean kitchen.

He was the cleanest man she had ever dated. It was the first time she thought her disorganization and clutter was the worst in the relationship. Jay had never complained but he did clean up behind her. Sorting her normal pile system and putting everything back in its proper place. He only looked mildly sheepish when Kim caught him, giving her a guilty smile. Her apartment had never been cleaner and she was sure his had never been messier.

Kim just watched him for a few minutes. He was in a world of his own. Her brown eyes searched his frame. Everything about him and his posture screamed exhaustion but there was a clear fighting of sleep. Jay must have felt the weight of her stare because he glanced up at her. She was in one of his T-shirts and nothing else. Normally it would light a fire in his eyes but tonight they stayed dull and distant.

Kim had led him to bed. She knew he needed to sleep. The exhaustion was making everything worse and bigger for him. For all his reluctance to sleep, he is out as soon as his head hits the pillow.

It doesn’t take long to figure out why he had fought it.

Kim isn’t sure what woke her as her eyes flutter open. Her cheek is pressed against the soft cool sheets instead of the warm planes of Jay’s firm chest. She felt slightly chilled even wrapped in the blankets, Jay's body heat notably absent. Then she heard the deep groans and felt the thrashing movement.

Kim had never woken up and been aware as fast as in that moment. Jay was on his side with his back facing her. His body was trembling, jerking as he made pained noises. Her hand was on his shoulder before she could think better of it. Jay’s body lurches up, his right arm swinging to his defense.

Jay woke to a crash ringing in his ears his clenched knuckles red and throbbing. His gaze found Kim’s surprised and fearful face. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and he felt like there was no air left in his lungs. Jay’s first reaction was to pull away. Panic clenched in his chest and crawled up his throat.

Kim’s warm hand wrapped around his bicep. He jerked but didn’t yank away. His other hand shot up to grab her arm in a gentle but firm grip. Jay’s head was clear enough to scan her for any injuries. She appeared fine but- “Did I hurt you?” Her head was shaking before he could even finish. Her other hand came to rest on the left side of his chest feeling his pounding heart. Jay caught it with his own squeezing it tightly searching her brown eyes as the throbbing of his knuckles became more prominent.

Kim seemed to know where his mind was going. She nodded her head over to his nightstand brown swinging around her face. “You just knocked the lamp over.” Jay’s eyes flashed over to his now bare nightstand before shooting back to hers. “It’s my fault. I should have known better-” Jay squeezes as he shushes her, feeling like he is gaining a semblance of control of himself.

They lay together for a few minutes in silence. Kim didn’t speak until Jay’s heartbeat slowed and his breathing evened. There was still tension in his body. She could feel it in his shoulders and coiled up his spine. His grip on her was still tight just shy of chaffing. She ghosted her lips against his jaw. “Do you want to talk about it?” She felt the sharp exhale of his breath. “Do you not want to talk about it and watch trashy TV?”

His stubble scratched her cheek as he moved. “Blinded Love?” His tone had a tinge of teasing laced in the exhaustion as he waited for her correction as she always did.

They were still curled up on the couch at four in the morning. Jay felt guilty about keeping her up but not enough to urge her to go to bed. True to her word she hadn’t said anything since they moved to the living room just gave him the unwavering comfort of her touch. Her eyes were half-lidded fighting to keep open as she trailed her fingertips along his arm.

Jay leaned down and kissed her forehead. Kim hummed happily nuzzling closer to his side. “I love you,” The words were whispered into her hair. “Move in with me.”

[aureutr]

Health update, featuring: DIAGNOSIS

I have been a chronic pain patient for a few years now. It's difficult to fully articulate how much pain changes your life, unless you are someone who has lived it or had a loved one live it.

Pain sucked away my energy and brainpower. I found myself sleeping more and more, first in naps after work then I was regularly calling out half days just to sleep. All the while, I was seeing doctor after doctor in hopes that someone would have an answer.

No one did. At first, it was almost a relief. It wasn't cancer, after all. But then the relief turned into disappointment and quickly into resignation. Labs were fine, X-ray was clear, CT was good. It should have been good news, except I still hurt all of the time and no one could tell me why.

The pain got worse. It peaked in Autumn 2022, when I finally got my first sliver of relief. Gabapentin kept the pain in control enough that I no longer had to regularly sleep half of the day, but it made me foggy. Still, it was easier to manage than the brain fog from pain, so I took it.

I still take it, and I’m on quite the high dose. It’s given me a semblance of a life back, but it’s not the answer or a cure. I still napped, I still hurt too much to even walk around a store for more than an hour or so. And, if I did, it would be my only activity for the day.

I lost my job late last year. I don’t believe it was because of the time I had to take, it was a mass layoff, but I’m certain it did not help. That, at least, ended up fine. I found a job I prefer with far better pay within a few months. And they’re, so far, understanding that I’m working through health problems.

But being unemployed was still a stressor, and I had learned that stress was integral to my pain. When I was stressed, it was worse. When I was calm, it was bearable.

I’ll skip describing another round of tests and hypotheses that went nowhere. In October 2023, my husband and I went to the Mayo Clinic or the Cleveland Clinic or John Hopkins (I am being intentionally vague here). This was our second time visiting, the first gave us absolutely nothing.

A nurse practitioner took a very quick look at me, too quick for our comfort, and declared the issue muscular. She recommended physical therapy. It seemed too simple, really. After all of that, all that money spent and time invested? It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried some exercise, but when moving makes your pain worse and worse pain zaps your energy, that’s difficult to maintain.

Still, I wasn’t going to turn my nose up at anything at this point. And it’s a damn good thing I didn’t.

The physical therapist I ended up seeing told me I had the strongest pelvic floor she’s ever seen. And that’s not a good thing. I have apparently taken literal decades worth of anxiety, depression, self-loathing, and any other negative emotion you can think of, and held them taut there, keeping my pelvic muscles almost constantly tensed.

And when you tense that much for that long, dysfunction arises.

My official diagnosis is Pelvic Floor Disorder. All of my PT has been focused on stretching, no strength training or cardio. I’m retraining my body to relax, to let go.

It has been amazing.

At the time of writing, I’ve been going to sessions for about six weeks. Already, I am eager to walk our dogs every day. I’ve gone out on my own or with friends to move.

The pain is not gone. But it is so much less that my pain clinic doctor is discussing reducing my gabapentin in a couple of months. And with decreased pain comes decreased brain fog.

Decreased brain fog means not only an improvement in my professional work, but space for fandom. I’ve written more than I’ve shared, lots of short private stuff for friends, but I haven’t had enough organized thought to re-approach the stories I put on hold.

I can’t promise anything, of course, but I hope that can change soon. I’ve been dabbling in Distant Echoes again, and it’s fun to be back in that world.

I’m not well. But I’m better. I’m so, so much better.

[kenziemeadowscottage]

Living a witchy aligned life while having low spoons 🔮

Those who have low spoons understand how hard it can be to live a magickal life sometimes. Sometimes rituals don’t work out, it feels like too much to go through with a spell, or it’s just to hard to even stand that day. These are all entirely valid reasons for not practicing a witchy life! Sometimes it’s necessary for you to rest and allow yourself to have space. 🌸

For me I’ve found that having a few low spoon daily rituals help me feel a lot better throughout the day. ✨

Here’s a few methods I have:

🌸 Cleansing / Protection 🌸

Ways that I will perform a low spoon daily cleansing and protection will be while I’m getting ready for the day! 🔮 If I am not able to shower in the morning to wash away the energy I've picked up while sleeping, I'll instead envision myself cleansing my energy while I set my protection for the day.

🌱 Affirmations 🌱

While I am doing my skincare I like to say affirmations to myself! I worship Aphrodite and this is one way that I can use Glamour Magick as an offering to Aphrodite. ✨ By saying affirmations that are loving and manifesting an aligned life is just a small way that I am able to be witchy while low spoons.

🔮 Grounding Myself 🔮

This is such an important step for me to do in the mornings! I can do it just before I put on my shoes, while meditating, or even while getting ready for the day! This is such a simple way to feel connected to the Earth and Goddess! 💫

💧 Stirring intentions into my food and drink 💧

As a kitchen witch my favourite method to add low spoons witchcraft is through intentions! Am I making myself a tea to help for a sore throat? With intentions I can make this drink more soothing!* 🦋

I do this by stirring Widdershins (anti-clockwise: bringing in) and Deosil (clockwise: banishing)** while putting certain energy into my food or drink!

*I will post a recipe of this soon! ** This is for the Southern Hemisphere!

🌸 Checking in with my body and setting an intention 🌸

Every morning or evening (sometimes both!) I would do yoga and meditate afterwards. I would give myself this moment to gently wake up / wind down and to check in with how I was feeling. 🌙 I would also set an intention for the day. Nothing fancy either! Just a single word on how I wanted the day to go. My favourite YouTube yoga instructor is Kassandra! She is the person who inspired me to set my intentions for the day as she includes it in her practice. I really resonated with that and have been doing it ever since. 🦋

Since my injury I am unable to do yoga as it puts too much strain onto my body right now. So I've made adjustments to my practice and I now do my physio stretches and exercises when I can!

Being able to adjust your daily routine to what you can do is super important in your practice! It also helps with making it a habit which can be difficult! If you miss a day, don't stress. 💕 When you remember and if you are able to then get up and do it! Actively making the decision to do it is what's important with starting healthy habits. ✨