#like i went from being the top student in my hs class and going on a full academic scholarship in a STEM program in college

[glitchdecay]

Natsuki Is So Much More Than His Ditzy Behavior: Part 2

In June of Natsuki's route in Repeat LOVE, Natsuki explains why he applied to the idol program at Saotome Gakuen despite being lauded as a genius violinist — and later violist — in his childhood.

The dialogue text is pretty long, so it'll go under the cut.

Note: I transcribed the Japanese manually from the Switch port, but I'm only human. All translations are my own.

―Japanese―

【来栖　翔】:「おかえり〜。じゃねぇよ、この天然スケコマシ！まったく、お前は昔から……」 【来栖　翔】:「あ…………。悪い……昔のことは、あんまり言わない方がよかったか……」 昔？ 【四ノ宮那月】:「ん？……昔って？」 【来栖　翔】:「だから……ほら、あれだよ、小学校ん時のさ……ヴァイオリンのコンクール、控え室……一緒だったろ、俺と……」 【来栖　翔】:「お前、ぼけっとしてて、自分の出番も忘れてて、でも、ステージに立ったら、女子にキャーキャー言われてさ……」 【来栖　翔】:「それから……その……。すごかった……。俺なんか絶対勝てないかっこいい演奏だった……」 【四ノ宮那月】:「んーーーーー？おかしいですねぇ。記憶にありません。確かにヴァイオリンもやっていましたが」 【四ノ宮那月】:「翔ちゃんと出会っていたら絶対覚えていると思うのに……。うーーん」 【来栖　翔】:「てんめぇ、俺なんか、眼中にねぇってことかよっ」 【四ノ宮那月】:「そ、そうじゃなくて……ごめん。あの頃の記憶ってすごく曖昧で……。だから……、自分でもよくわからなくて」 【来栖　翔】:「お前がヴァイオリンやめて、ヴィオラをやり始めたって聞いた時もショックだったけど……」 【来栖　翔】:「でも、お前のヴィオラを聴いて、悔しいけど、感動した。だから、それでもいいかって思った」 【来栖　翔】:「それなのに……。なんで……。なんでそれすらやめちゃったんだよ」 【四ノ宮那月】:「それは……。それは……僕が弱いから……」 【来栖　翔】:「え…………？」 【四ノ宮那月】:「ヴィオラはとても奥深くて……。どれだけ頑張っても自分で納得のいく音は出せなくて」 【四ノ宮那月】:「でも……みんなは僕の中途半端な音を褒めてくれて。それで十分だって……」 【四ノ宮那月】:「僕がどんなに違うって言っても、誰もわかってくれなくて……。誰も僕のしたい音を教えてはくれなかった」 【四ノ宮那月】:「答えのない道をただひたすらに進むのかとそう……思ったら、すごく怖くなったんだ。その道は果てしなく長くて、遠い……」 【来栖　翔】:「……那月……」 【四ノ宮那月】:「ホントいうとね。今も怖いんだ。アイドルが歌うのを見て、すごく楽しそうで、僕もあんな風に音を楽しめたらって」 【四ノ宮那月】:「そう思って、この学校を受験したんだ。でも……。歌にも正解なんかない。自分で作っていくしかないってって気がついた」 【四ノ宮那月】:「でも……。でもね……。今、僕はひとりじゃないから」 【四ノ宮那月】:「あなたが……。そして翔ちゃんがいてくれる。誰かがそばにいて、一緒に悩んでくれる」 【四ノ宮那月】:「それがすごく嬉しくて。頑張ろうって……。頑張れるって思ったんだ。今度は答えを見つけられそうな気がするから」

―English―

Kurusu Syo: Don't "I'm back~" me, you airheaded Casanova! Jeez, you've always been like this. Syo: Ah...... Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't talk about the past. The past? Shinomiya Natsuki: Hm? The past? Syo: Like... You know, back when... we were in elementary school... At a violin competition. We were... in the same waiting room, you and me. Syo: You were spacing out and forgot your turn. But when you got on the stage, all the girls were screaming for you. Syo: And then... You... You were amazing. I thought I'd never win against your performance. Natsuki: Hmmmmmmm? That's weird. I don't remember. It's true I used to play the violin, though. Natsuki: But I'd totally remember if I met you back then. Bummer. Syo: So you didn't even pay attention to me, huh? Natsuki: That's— not what I meant... Sorry. My memories from back then were a blur... So... I don't really know myself. Syo: It was a shock to me when I found out you quit playing the violin and started playing the viola... Syo: But when I heard your viola, even though it was frustrating, I felt so moved by it. So I wondered if you were okay with that. Syo: But even then... Why... Why did you quit that too? Natsuki: That's... Because I'm weak... Syo: Huh......? Natsuki: There's so much to the viola... No matter how hard I worked, I couldn't play the way I wanted to. Natsuki: But... everyone praised my half-hearted playing. They said it was enough... Natsuki: No matter how much I said that wasn't it, no one understood me. No one could teach me how to play the way I wanted. Natsuki: When I... thought about continuing to devote myself to a path without a destination, I felt so scared. The path seems so long and endless... So far away... Syo: ... Natsuki... Natsuki: To tell the truth, I'm scared even now. When I saw idols singing and looking like they were having so much fun, I thought I could be like that too. Natsuki: That's what I thought, so I applied to this school. But... there's no right answer in this kind of music either. I've realized that I have to make it on my own. Natsuki: But... You know... I'm not alone anymore. Natsuki: 'Cause you're here... And Syo-chan, too. There's someone with me to think things through. Natsuki: It makes me so happy. When you say, "Let's do it together," I feel I can do it. Because this time, I can find the solution.

From the conversation, you can see kid!Natsuki felt lonely as a genius violinist, so he decided to move to the viola, but it didn't work either. It pained him to keep playing string instruments because things weren't working out for him.

[loisfreakinglane]

NOW I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR HS EXPERIENCE! We're you one of the ~popular~ kids, or one of the club kids? We're you an overachiever, a nerd, or did you have an emo stage? I NEED TO KNOW

well jesus lets rewind the clock!!!!!!!!!!!! i was a goth alt girl in middle school, but the homeschooling gap i had before high school shifted my priorities- other than my hair. in high school i had rainbow hair, then bleach blonde, then all the other colors.

i went to a very small private school made up entirely of academic overachievers and bigtime troublemakers. with a student body in the double digits there wasn't really much of a social hierarchy. even the so-called popular kids…. we all knew they wouldn't be top of the food chain at ANY OTHER SCHOOL lmao. we had one sport, and a smattering of vague attempts at clubs that largely dissolved from lack of members.

my first group of friends were sort of quiet nerdy girls, but sophomore year my new bestie transferred in and i got a new social circle (which yeah... caused massive drama bc i was accused of abandoning my friends and like plz i tried to straddle both groups but one of them gave me attitude about my absence every time i was back so can u really blame me for my choice? and i'm still besties with bestie all these years later I REGRET NOTHING). bestie was a metalhead with a forbidden boyfriend, so i ran a lot of parental interference there. i was a beard for one of my friends at his family and church events [leave room for the holy spirit! embedded in my brain for life]. i did theater, traveled for theater showcases, and i was in photography club. i was constantly taking pictures and videos, i was always the girl with a camera in her hand. i didn't work yearbook staff at all but they came to me for pictures lmao. there really wasn't that much going on at school! i did go to junior and senior prom with different rando dates i aggressively avoided at afterparties. i went to parties. my older brother threw parties. my parents never laid down any rules, i could do literally anything i wanted. one time i got home at about 4am to my dads place and i was the first one there. god both my divorced parents entirely independently from each other told me IT'S OKAY IF YOU GET PREGNANT I WON'T BE UPSET!!! i mean thanks i guess??? one of my friends was the school drug dealer and the best part of that was i got a say in who to overcharge. in retrospect what a very strange social cachet. i occasionally fell into lowkey academic rivalries that pushed me to be obsessively ambitious for that one class, but beyond that i wasn't enthusiastic about academics.

i was very artsy! i made costumes for myself and other people. weirdly not for theater at all tho. bestie and i would pass notes and drawings back and forth- we'd do that exquisite corpse game a lot in class. oh god we both flunked spanish 3 junior year and had to come back for summer school for it. that wound up being like..... the best summer tho. and i'll never forget graduation. we had finals that day, a few hours at home then the graduation ceremony, immediately after that we got on the bus to disneyland, were there until 6am, then 2 hours later we were back in the car driving to mexico, and didn't get home til 3 days later. then the next saturday bestie and i were drunk off our asses at a tattoo parlor party and the next morning i was on the plane to oz. what a goddamn nostalgia bomb jesus christ WE CERTAINLY HAD FUN THO WHAT AN ERA. SO GLAD IT'S OVER WILL NEVER GO BACK BUT IT WAS A GOOD TIME

[bleaksqueak]

I wanted to ask you a couple questions about the school structure for the Veil if you can talk about it. It seems like the academy and university are fairly closely linked but do they operate basically the same as our hs/uni do? Like picking a major/trade kind of thing. I think I saw that Audric was listed as a post grad but still a trainee so is there reaper uni classes then a sort of practicum afterwards? I hope this makes sense. I’ve tried to write this ask 5 times now

So, I spent some time rooting around my files, because a long while back I drew a map of the campus grounds for the spire...but now I can't find it, so i wonder if it's one of the unfortunate victims that got jumbled when I moved to my new machine. Ah well. But yes! They're quite literally linked, since that's why I even went looking for the file. The two campuses are side by side and share certain amenities.

so these are some super rough unfinished concept things from my files, but this ought to at least show the physical setup. There's a primary school within the spire as well. Somewhere in there. I haven't decided yet, not that it ultra matters, so let's just say it's somewhere in the middle. As for how they operate-- You got it already, more or less! The schools themselves are famous for their reaper program, having been founded by the same scholar who founded the organization itself. Of course, with Veil attuned students being one of the rarer attunements, the island's --uh, resources , to put it kindly, and the focused study needed to train those who would take on the veil's blight, the schools have a bounty of academic wealth to impart on hopeful magi graduates as well as those seeking to become eidolons. So there's several fields here that will gain a shining education in their field if they put in the hard work (... And, strangely enough, they have a pretty good classic lit department.) Using reapers as an example, the path would be as follows: Enrollment to secondary school and all basic curriculum classes as normal > attunement > undergrad prep courses for the reaper program if it's accepted (most do) > first stage of graduation undertakes the Eidolic Aperature (Uncap Ceremony, breaking the limits of magi's natural magic limit) > If successful, second stage will complete the full graduation ceremony and go on to university > training /studying intensifies, focusing more on study (the nature of liminal tears, wraith winds, corruptions, and the tools reapers operate) and choosing which field they will pursue in the program, while all are given a basic training course in specific magics and hunting techniques that ramps up until > completing the four year program, grad students engage in full trade training, working as the island's main service of hunters, scouts and sentries. Audric is currently in the final stage of this, hence the gossip quoting him as "Just a student, but practically the real deal." Primary school is fairly standard as can be, but it's a bit more fun to learn those classic subjects when you have the fun of enchanted textbooks and a kind, quirky siren for a teacher who plans fun aquatic fieldtrips. At least she tends to be everyone's favorite (She's also a grad level professor who works specifically with Aetherbiology majors and Reapers in their first years of university. She's one of Audric's favorite professors-- if not his top favorite.) Lichgate in general is something of an outlier for how its schools operate, though. It isn't exactly standard practice to smash them together at the very top of a spire, or to offer such an exacting focus from the moment of enrollment (on in some certain cases, attunement) until you've essentially gained your equivalent of a doctoral/masters. The location sitting right on the Veil's most unstable liminal tear is to thank for that-- and of course, even if you don't care as much about your education, it somehow manages to be the safest campus. As long as you follow the rules, obey curfew, don't wander off, and do exactly as your professors say during any off-spire excursions, especially.

[what-if-nct]

hiiii is it ok if i ask for some advice? im sorry im gonna sound rambly but uhhh i'm 14 and starting high school next year (which i alrdy dont feel too good abt haha) and my (overbearing asian) parents are going to send me to this private lutheran hs instead of the public one i was supposed to go to bc its more upper class and smart (?). tbh i was genuinely surprised that i liked the school, academic-wise, and i rlly liked that i had the space in my schedule to take more fine arts classes (i dont have any in my hs) but like the first thing the principal said to me was that i "needed to learn to be a good christian". a whole hour each week is dedicated to jesus and i just know my atheist ass is going to be uncomfortable asf. first, one of my best friends has a thing for jesus (he says jesus is too hot to be straight 😭) and i cant tell if hes joking anymore, and second, i dont have a problem with people who are religious, but i do when they are flat out hateful and harrassing people from communities they "dont agree with", and i just know the people preaching at this school are the latter.

also rn i am the *only* poc in my entire school, and i noticed there were a lot more asian students and students of color, so hopefully there'll be less kids pulling at their eyes or calling me slurs :D

anyways i not a fan of the fact that "homosexual behavior on or off campus" warranted for expulsion, since i am a *very* queer and bisexual individual. at my current school, i dont really need to hide my gayness bc no one cares, and my teachers are accepting (my homeroom teachers a lesbian lol <33). i dont think i can handle having to hide such a big part of my identity at home *and* at school :( too add to that i really suck at making friends, so being somewhere without people i'm comfortable with, my anxiety gets really bad, and i just shut down completely.

my hs is p rundown (like most public highschools are) and the classes are average at best, so idk man, im torn :( i dont know if i should suck it up and go to lutheran school bc their good academics, or ✨be myself✨ and go to p shitty school :/

i dont know what to do (or if i can even do anything) abt it i just dont feel too good about this :( you've mentioned you went to a christian school, so do you have any advice? even if you dont, thank you so so much for listening to me rant for a moment there <33 i really treasure you and your blog, atp you feel like the big sister i've never had. i love youuuu <333

That is such a sticky situation. Cause maybe you can try to persuade your parents especially since they'll be paying for the private school on top of college tuition in the future, it can be a huge selling point. I know that's how I won in the decision of beauty school over college it's cheaper. And christian and catholic schools are heavily based in religion like it's a huge part of it so if you don't believe in it it can be absolutely mind numbing. I actually didn't go to Christian school, actually wasn't forced to go to church as a child, I was like 11 and for some reason told grandma Christianity is responsible for all the bad things that happened in the world. Which is wild that I even was able to come to that conclusion as a child she just brushed me off. But I did go to church summer camp to be with my friends which my friend and I got scolded for holding hands but she was just leading me through the crowd of people. So that's still unfortunately a huge part of christian beliefs

the thing that really caught me off guard is the homosexual activity off campus can lead to expulsion. On campus like sucks but is expected of a christian school sadly. But off campus in your day to day life is like your actions off campus shouldn't be judged by the school. Like I can't wrap my mind around that. I think since you have a whole summer maybe look for more schools you can attend I remember doing this in middle school because my home high school was an F school so you could choose any high school within a certain range. You'd be really surprised with how many schools are around you I'm assuming you're in the us but I'm sure everywhere has a ton of schools. And look for a school that holds some of what your parents want and also your own values and needs for your education. And maybe your parents seeing you take initiative might be an extra point.

If your parents are deadset on it. I think try to make the best out of it as much as you can usually there's a group of people in the same boat you're in where their parents forced them to be there. Trust me no matter where you go you will always be drawn to those like you every single time. But if you do get the choice of going to the original public school firstly screw every single racist little bitch who does that to you that is horrid I am so sorry you have to endure that. People suck. But you can also learn extra independently I always did that cause I was a bit ahead of my class. But I really think researching more schools in your area would help you find the perfect school for you. I personally was in love with Waldorf schools they're more creative led schools and freer, I wanted to go to one so badly. So figure out the exact kind of education you want like a magnet school, charter school it doesn't hurt to see how receptive your parents will be to it.

I really hope this helped at all and I hope it works out well for you. And Awwww it's so sweet you see me as a big sister, I gladly be your big sister, love you too🌸🌸🌸

[malocclusive]

spent like the past 20 minuts going off on being overworked but honestly

who gives a fuck

I'm tired is the long and short, and I went to a case manager for a student with special needs who told me she was happy the kid was failing.

And I straight up asked her why she would ever think that way

And she said "Because this isn't the correct placement for this student, but the county won't approve payments to an outside school."

BRO IF I FUCKING KNEW THAT I'D BE SLAPPING THOSE 0S IN WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE

I'VE BEEN BORDERLINE CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP ON THE DAILY.

I'm outside DC in one of the top ranked HS in the goddamn US, and I have kids who can't read or follow more than one direction at a time (images on paper as well as written even) with no para in my room. I have 36 kids and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute clean up. If I just have them go ham, I have 1 minute per kid regardless of ability or need.

I never even thought of it that way. I was in so many remedial classes as a kid and so neglected that I got into teaching. I'm constantly explaining away how to remediate a single point lost on asssignments so it can be resubmitted that I didn't even realize that was a wholeass thing used to force the county to provide services. I'm constantly trying to make sure everything is as possible to retake and accessible for ev*er*y*one that I've placed feelings of a kid over the fact the system is actively ensuring they aren't accommodated because it's expensive.

I still don't feel right, and I'll meet them where they're at despite it running me ragged and destroying me, but I didn't even have it click that the data is forcing the real hands with the money. That I fucking hate as a concept. These kids are already fucking snickered at for shit they can't control, they shouldn't have to look at failing classes when they genuinely are working where they're at. But also. Most of them aren't aware if they're at that point. Like, genuinely. I'm trying to pad the ego of someone with so few supports towards being diploma bound that only their family MAY be concerned about their grade. I'll still spend as much time as I possible can to help them make something they're proud of, but fuck.

I'll never be the person giving even the median amount of fucks in a situation. I needed that as a kid, but the sheer amount of apathy/number of kids/inability because I have kids with extremely limited fine motor skills being put in a ceramics 1 class is shredding the meat from my bones

I have so many wins day by day, but it's.... not good for me. It wasn't any different when I taught elementary honestly. At least now the majority of kids in my class understand cause and effect/empathy/their folks MIGHT understand they can't just do whatever they want and skip class and shit by high school.

I'm constantly having kids I teach; or adjacent to me who hang in my room after school/at lunch saying I'm a safe space because I'm so aggressively queer and supportive of just.... listening and helping them out with random shit. That's what I'm here for and it heartens me so much.

I've had kids come out as trans, intersex, terrible home life situations (That are so relieved when I chastely explain my own background which was pretty bad), LITERALLY HAVING A BRAIN TUMOR as of today, like. God. That's what I'm here for.

I've taught students with vary abilities and special needs for a decade now, but it doesn't get any easier to see that they're thrown into your room with no support. And the only way to fix it is to give reports saying "They're failing" and wait years. It makes me want to die, despite doing everything I can constantly. It'll never get easier unless i stop caring, but I don't think I can.

[cas-blast]

complaining about school!

Don't go to art school without looking into ur specific program! Idk what happened to my college but our animation department is a fucking mess. We aren't provided computers or tablets in studio, the class size keeps expanding even tho our professors are barley handling the amount we have, and oh yea our professors don't have time for all of us! I blame administration for the most part but also its clear our department is more concerned about professionalism and "selling yourself" to corporate overlords instead of focusing on making art that makes you happy and improving. Animation as a career is a joke, ur expected to be ur own social media manager, sound designer, composer, editor, script writer etc on top of animating. What even is the point when we're about to be replaced by AI?

I'm just so bummed bc I went here for a program in HS and the vibe was so different, the program was different, they provided for the students. They HAD tablets for students, a room with lightboxes, a studio for stop motion. This school has changed from being for artists to being FOR PROFIT. RN it makes having a professor feel like having a boss. In other classes I've had at other schools I've gotten really close to my professors. It's not really possible here in the main animation program. I'm just BUMMED!!!!

[owljolson-archive]

so, it’s the twentieth anniversary of 9/11. for a while i thought about doing a scribbly comic of my memories of the whole thing, but i just don’t have it in me. i think i’ll just spew out a bunch of text under the cut to get my catharsis.

to add some background, i’m not an army brat, but my family moved around a helluva lot during my youth, all over the country, though we spent the most time in the nj/ny area. we even lived in manhattan for a year or so, across the street from where the village voice was headquartered at the time. we visited nyc a great deal as well when we could, the northeast coast has always felt like home to me because of all that. the twin towers were a very regular, very familiar sight.

in 2001, i was 16, almost 17, and we lived in northern jersey. a few months before 9/11, my parents decided to take me and my little brother to actually visit the twin towers in person. they wanted to show us the restaurant where they’d met (they both worked on wall street back in the day), so many years ago. they were so thrilled it was still there, so many years later. i can’t remember what the restaurant was called. so soon after that that trip, the place was nothing but dust and death.

i remember being in awe of the towers, how huge and full of business and people and bustle they were. the line to the elevator, and the incredibly long elevator ride up, as the tour guide chatted to us. going to the very very top, and staring down in awe at the view of the city, everything so far below. never had a view of anything like that outside of a plane before or since.

a few days before 9/11, my mom, brother and me went to nyc again. i was a hs junior, it was time to start thinking about college, so we went to wander around the pratt institute area for a bit. on our way there, we drove right past the towers, right under them. the last time i ever saw them.

my first class in the morning at that time was art class. a fun, chill way to start the day, with the radio on the shelf playing late ‘90s/early ‘00s music softly in the background. the morning of the 11th, everything so normal, and then just as class was ending and the bell for next period rang, hearing a sudden blurb on the radio on my way out, about a terrible plane crash that had just happened in nyc.

that was all i heard for a bit. then i started seeing occasional worried faces, saw the librarians clustering together in the library, concerned and whispering urgently to each other. going to lunch like normal in the cafeteria. the cafeteria with the wall-mounted tvs for students to watch as they waited in line, and that some boys turned on just in time to see the terrible footage unfolding.

it’s one of the moments from 9/11 that’s still burned clearly in my memory. seeing the news go up on the cafeteria tv, seeing the awful destruction and trying to come to terms with what unbelievable things i was suddenly seeing and hearing. the cluster of students slowly gathering around the tv and silently standing like statues, staring up at it, until a teacher hurriedly came over and turned the tv off, and told everybody to calm down and go about their business.

it’s hard to go about your business when you live 40ish minutes away from nyc, and many of the students in the school had parents and relatives who commuted to the city for work. my grandmother still lived in nyc at the time. i spent a good chunk of that day desperately wondering if she was okay. wondering about other students’ parents. in the end, one of our local residents did die that day: jeremy glick, one of the people who stormed the cockpit on flight 93. so many people died that day, in so many awful ways. my 16-year old mind struggled to process it all.

after that crystal clear lunch period, most of the rest of the school day is a blur to me. the news eventually made its way around the school fully, and the only other clear memory i have is us sitting at our desks in a semi-circle in ap english class, all of us and our teacher just looking at each other. old mrs. valentine, looking so sad and at a loss, quietly telling us she didn’t know what to say.

usually i took the bus home from school, but that day my dad came and picked me up. i remember his quiet, seething anger. him going, ‘we’ll get them for this.’ the man had always been a hardcore conservative, but from that day onward he spiralled even further.

the rest of the day is a blur as well. my mom sitting on the edge of her seat on the couch, watching the news intently. i think we managed to get in touch with my grandma, made sure she was okay in her part of the city. i remember a thread about it on the forum i hung out on at the time, and one of the european members going good, she was kind of glad, america deserved to have all those citizens die.

i’ve always been prone to being an insomniac with sleeping issues, but that night i was so utterly overwhelmed, it was one of the few times in my life i just immediately passed out almost as soon as i lay down. pure black dreamless sleep. the weeks after being a blur of military bombing footage, war declarations, horrifying photos, charity memorial concerts. david bowie sadly singing simon & garfunkle’s america on the tv, the only time i think my homophobic parents ever willingly watched/listened to him perform.

there are so many people alive now who were small children or who were not even born yet when 9/11 happened, people who are now adults. i wish i could get across what a sudden, searing experience it was to watch such an awful piece of major history unfold in real time, especially when young. i guess this pandemic is something like that experience, just dragged out achingly slow over time. this was a quick, sharp, painful shock.

the world has always been a fucked-up, imperfect place, no question there, but me and so many people around my age, us millenials and ‘90s Kids, remember how things Used To Be. how the ‘90s had seemed like such a quiet, safe decade, as children. we were only vaguely aware of distant conflicts and oj simpson and the various -isms and -ists and -phobias, they weren’t fully real. life was okay, life was normal. 9/11 changed things overnight, it was a childhood-ender, it made us realize that things were not okay and normal, and if they had ever been, they never would be again. people got angrier, louder, more paranoid. news became 24/7, ever-present, sensationalist. us versus them became the rule of the day, politics became more vicious, more petty, more unbearable. the internet exploded and came into its own, it grew and grew and became a hotbed for so many things, and made sure we never, ever stopped being aware of fucked-up imperfection ever again. there’s a certain sort of civility and thoughtfulness that literally vanished from the country and its discourse overnight.

i remember some years later, visiting nyc again with my boyfriend at the time. at one point we went to where the towers used to be. looked through the wire fencing at the unbelievably massive pit in the ground, street vendors hocking knock-off memorial Never Forget merchandise to tourists. i haven’t been back since. i hear it’s a fairly lovely place for the most part now, but still not finished being rebuilt.

i’m not sure that i have any real advice, or any pithy sayings to insert here. just that i needed to write all this down, and get it out of me. i can’t believe it’s been twenty years. two whole decades, me being just shy of 17 at the time, and me being just shy of 37 now. how my life, and the life of so many others, has such a clear Before and After division because of it. 9/11 has haunted us for twenty years, has haunted and corrupted this country and everything about it, and feels like it always will.

but i hope it doesn’t. people born near to and after 9/11 are adults now. and there’s more of them every day. they’re further and further removed from the baggage, the anger, the mind-fog of the trauma. they can see more clearly, and i hope that some day they’ll exorcise the haunting.

[stuhde]

hi lama, i hope it’s okay but i just wanted to rant a little bit! i recently found out that one of the graduating seniors from my old high school (who i was in a couple of classes with and we were acquaintances) is going to university in ireland (i think she has family there) and i’m really happy for her. however, while i was in high school, i always thought about maybe going to college in europe because i really like traveling and exploring different cultures and i think it’d be a wonderful opportunity. that wasn’t really an option though because the guidance counselor for students never really talked about the possibility of going abroad. it was either attending a local college or at least a college in the country.

i’ve now been accepted to a college and have committed but i can’t help and think about how cool it’d be if i actually was going to college abroad? like i’d be able to travel to different countries within a few hours and get experience with public transportation and learn new languages/interact with different cultures. i know it’s not an option for me now to fully get my degree in a different country (although i’m planning to study abroad for a semester or a year) but i don’t know, i guess it makes me a little sad.

it makes me think too about what my life would’ve been like if i ended up listening to myself and applying to colleges abroad instead of in the states just because it was easier. would i be happier and be more confident and maybe have more friends? i don’t know. i feel like if i didn’t find out that that girl was going to college abroad then i wouldn’t be feeling like this. sometimes ignorance is truly bliss. anyways, i know this is random but i just needed to vent out! thanks for being here and i hope your june will get better. it’s only the second week so give it some time! :)

hey there!! first, thank you so much for the well wishes. a few nice things have happened to me today as we enter the weekend, so im hoping it’s all up from here (iA).

as for everything you’re feeling i just wanted to say that you’re validated!! when i was in HS almost everyone got into their first choice uni and i didn’t. i felt so crushed - envious even. but i can tell you that confidentiality as a recent uni graduate, i think where i went was the best place for me. i saved a lot of money, i met some of the greatest people in my life, I was able to be so involved in campus life hang out with friends AND still be on top (ish) of my grades, being in DC was also the best place to be given my interest in the legal, social, and political sphere, i made some amazing connections with a few professors, and i did research as a sophomore.

what im trying to say is, sometimes in life we are given something we least expect, even when it’s something we don’t think is best for us. i fundamentally believe that everything has it’s time, it’s place, and that some things are just written for you already. while you may want to go abroad and you want it for yourself, maybe that’s not what you need right now. as you’re figuring out what you want and what it is you hope to get out of your next four years, maybe it’ll all be there where you go next.

the wonderful thing about academia is that you can always come back to it. you didn’t get to go abroad for undergrad, but who’s to say you won’t go there for a Masters? A PhD even, or better yet, you might even live and teach there/do what you love.

this was so long, but i hope it’s helpful. it’s best not to lose sight of things and to make the most of what’s given to you at the time - this is why it’s called the present (🎁 ), right? as soon as i came to my uni i immediately knew i had to leave, but im glad i didn’t bc i would have been a much different person - maybe even a lost one - had i done something different. i hope something wonderful is stored for you in your next chapter and congrats on making it to the end of high school!! have a wonderful summer my friend :’)

[bndz]

(jennie kim, twenty-three, cisfemale, she/her) * hey, i’m looking for the office of valencia lee. they’re the intern who’s known around the office as the paris hilton, if that helps? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re outgoing but two-faced, is that true? i also heard that they’re the one who lost her virginity in the broom closet. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

omg  hey  y’all  !  it’s  so  good  to  be  back  .  my  name’s  tay  ,  your  fave  powerpuff  girl  addict  !  this  is  my  baby  valencia  ,  the  most  annoying  little  spoiled  brat  ever  !  a  little  about  me  ?  i  thought  you  never  would’ve  asked  .  well  ,  i  am  currently  studying  to  become  a  teacher  ,  i  love  fashion  &  makeup  ,  a  textbook  gemini  &  pop  culture  connoisseur.  anyways  ,  i  have  some  points  about  valencia  below  .  i  am  so  excited  to  rp  with  y’all  omg  .  i  have  been counting  down  the  days  !

𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒔  !

NAME   :    valencia  lee  . GENDER   :   cisfemale  . PRONOUNS   :   she  /  her  /  hers  . AGE   :   twenty-three  (  23  )  . BIRTHDAY   :   18  april  . ZODIAC   :   aries  . HOMETOWN  :  las  vegas  ,  nevada  . CURRENT  RESIDENCE  : new york city  , new york  . ETHNICITY   :   korean  -  american  . SEXUAL ORIENTATION   :   bisexual  . OCCUPATION  :  intern  .  (  social  media department  )

𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅  !

FAMILY   :    growing  up  in  las  vegas  to  an  erotic  fiction  author  (  anna  lee  )  &  a  chain  casino  owner  (  jiwon  lee  )  ,  valencia  was  highly  neglected  for  a  good  portion  of  her  life  .  up  until  like  eleven  years  old  ,  valencia  was  raised  by  a  rotation  of  nannies  .  her  parents  threw  whatever  she  wanted  at  her  to  make  up  for  lost  time  ,  but  attention  was  what  valencia  truly  wanted  .  although  valencia  didn’t  mind  being  spoiled  ,  in  the  back  of  her  mind  she  truly  wanted  time  with  her  parents  .  

being  that  her  parents  were  pretty  absent  ,  valencia  got  away  with  a lot  .  you  couldn’t  even  really  call  it  rebelling  because  her  parents  didn’t  really  care  what  she  did  as  long  as  she  didn’t  get  in  trouble  with  authority  .  she  would  do  things  on  purpose  to  get  reprimanded  because  she  just  wanted  her  parents  to  see  her  .  in  addition  ,  i  wouldn’t  really  say  she  is  close  with  her  parents  like  that  ,  but  it’s  not  really  a  negative  relationship  either.  she’s  almost  like  an  accessory  to  them  &  they  are  a  bank  account  to  her  .

also  ,  valencia  is  the  middle  child  ,  so  that  has  a  big  influence  on  her  relationship  with  her  parents.  middle  child  syndrome   ?  she  has  that  !  

SCHOOL   :  valencia  wasn’t  really  that  good  of  a  student  ,  honestly  .  she  barely  did  her  work  &  really  only  went  to  school  to  socialize  .  she  was  sent  to  a  private  catholic  school  ,  but  got  kicked  out  her  freshman  year  so  she  had  to  go  to  public  school  .  she  didn’t  really  care  though  because  school  was  school  .  

her  parents  tried  to  enforce  education  being  important  ,  but  knew  that  valencia  really  wasn’t  going  for  it  .  she  was  just  a  lazy  student  &  never  really  pushed  herself  when  it  came  to  her  academics  .  this  caused  her  to  skip  school  to  hang  out  with  her  friends  &  by  her  senior  year  she  was  flunking  to  the  max  .  she  knew  she  couldn’t  tell  her  parents  she  flopped  out  of  school  so  she  forged  her  diploma  &  faked  that  she  was  sick  af  on  her  graduation  day  to  make  it  seem  like  she  graduated  hs  when  in  reality  ,  she  did  not  .  

because  her  parents  didn’t  really  have  much  expectations  for  her  ,  they  wanted  her  to  at  least  get  into  a  bare  minimum  college  ,  so  she  forged  acceptance  letters  &  would  go  around  vegas  when  she  was  supposed  to  have  class  .  her  parents  caught  wind  of  it  after  three  years  &  were  legit  pissed  .  they  threatened  her  multiple  times  that  if  she  didn’t  get  her  act  together  they  were  going  to  cut  her  off  .  they  never  really  fell  through  with  it  ,  so  she’s  still  gallivanting  around  with  their  black  cards  . 

MASTER’S  :  getting  the  job  at  master’s  with  no  type  of  work  experience  was  like  a  fever  dream  .  the  only  reason  she  was  looking  into  the  company  was  because  her  parents  were  continuously  nagging  her  about  being  a  mooch.  she  was  ,  but  that  wasn’t  her  fault  !  at  twenty  -  two  ,  valencia  was  googling  places  that  had  open  internships  that  were  considered  easy  &  fell  on  master’s.  it  was  in  nyc  ,  which  she  loved  &  was  a  top  company  .  she  wouldn’t  even  deny  that  her  parents  helped  her  get  the  job  &  she  was  off  to  nyc.  she’s  been  an  intern  for  a  year  &  doesn’t  really  see  herself  moving  up  .  she’s  just  here  to  make  sure  she  doesn’t  go  broke  &  to  have  as  much  fun  as  possible  . 

𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚  !

OUTGOING   :   val  loves  to  meet  new  people.  she  has  always  been  extroverted  ,  even  if  she  can  sometimes  rub  people  the  wrong  way  .

TWO-FACED   :   this  girl  is  fake  as  fuck  99  %  of  the  time  ,  y’all  .  she  will  smile  in  your  face  &  turn  around  &  stab  you  in  the  back  .  she  doesn’t  really  consider  loyalty  a  concept  that  she  is  competent  in  because  she  is  usually  friends  with  people  that  she  can  gain  something  from  .  she  will  openly  admit  that  she  doesn’t  care  for  people  &  then  act  like  she  said  nothing  of  the  sort  seconds  later  .  she  just  likes  to  stir  the  pot  &  talk  big  shit  lbr  .

BRATTY   :  because  she  was  spoiled  her  whole  life  ,  she  has  this  notion  that  things  should  be  handed  to  her  .  if  she  doesn’t  get  her  way  it  will  ruin  her  whole  mood  &  then  she  will proceed  to  try  &  ruin  everyone’s  mood  with  her  annoying  ass  behavior  .  beware  ,  she  will  complain  a  lot  !

LAZY  :  she  has  never  worked  a  day  in  her  life  &  it  shows  !  she  will  refuse  to  do  things  if  she  feels  as  though  it’s  an  inconvenience  to  her  .  she  will  sit  around  on  her  phone  &  ignore  her  duties  .  valencia  will  literally  do  things  on  her  own  time  just  to  get  a  rise  out  of  people  .  she’s  terrible  !

UNFILTERED  :  she  really  just  says  what  she  wants  because  she  went  unchecked  growing  up  .  she’s  just  a  little  mouthy  .  she’s  not  gonna insult  you  ruthlessly  ,  but  she  is  brutally  honest  &  doesn’t  think  before  she  speaks  .

**  also  ,  the  reason  why  her  label  is  the  paris  hilton  is  because  her  personality  is  loosely  based  off  of  paris  .  like  y2k  era  paris  that  was  terrible  to  lindsay  &  brit  &  was  like  lindsay  invited  herself  to  their  little  c*ke  binge  clubbing  nights  .  she’s  not  fake  dumb  like  paris  &  doesn’t  have  her  fake  voice  ,  but  more  -  so  her  little  bratty  ass  ,  unfiltered  mean  girl  vibes  that  was  saying  &  doing  reckless  shit  for  attention  &  to  get  under  people’s  skin  .  **

𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔  !

001  .  an  ex  -  relationship  .  was  she  using  them  for  the  attention  ?  probably  . 002  .  a  best  friend  .  she’s  fake  with  them  too  ,  but  y’know  .  this  girl  does  not  know  the  definition  of  loyalty  .   003  .  a  boss  .  they  probably  cannot  stand  her  ass  &  makes  her  do  the  most  knowing  she  hates  working  .  she’s  probably  in  the  social  media  department  ,  so  there’s  that  for  you  . anything  really  .  i  am  not  creative  when  it  comes  to  plots omg  .

𝒇𝒖𝒏  𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔  !

001  .  she  is  left  -  handed  . 002  .  collects  juicy  couture  tracksuits  . 003  .  the  epitome  of  cherry  emoji  twt  when  it  comes  to  her  style  . 004  .  has  a  love  for  cooking  &  is  actually  good  at  it  . 005  .  is  highly  allergic  to  peanuts  . 

[brittie-frog]

I watched the Prom yesterday, watched the musical today and are now reqatching to compare and here are my thoughts:

- Oh we love the heteronormativity of straights only and having to wear suits for guys and dresses for girls

- Off the get go I hate James Corden playing a stereotypical gay guy. You found two actually gay actors for Sheldon and Trent but not a third??

- I do appreciate the bi flag behind the Eleanor on the outside of the theater

- I will forever see Kevin as Bertram

- I love long running gags and the Julliard one is hilarious

- Angie be walking like Saru with the swaying hands behind her back

- I do miss the line about the electoral college and Barry being pained by "Trump"

- the changing off lyrics to be more PC is obvious now and do prefer the musical for being allowed to say more shit

- also appreaticate casting two pretty queer leads especially Ariana Debose cause I remember rewatching Hamilton just to keep an eye on her as the Bullet

- I do love Emma's obnoxious clothing in the movie with no one style choice and the rainbow bag strap

- why did they add in the extra scenes for the stars instead of, you know, the main teens of the story??

- I would hate to be Emma having to sit on the stage while my right to go to prom gets debated and my girlfriend sits in the front row, the child of the lead homophobe

- Also Indiana is a part of America and have to listen to their laws and values have they taken a history or geography class??

- it's a prom with two homosexuals out of how many going?? like imagine if my hs friendship group of 10 queers were at a school like this then I'd understand cause majority were homophobes in my town

- also it IS a student matter cause its their celebration so they choose whether they go to the 'gay' prom or not. Why do PTA's exist?? So glad we don't have them in England

- I do love the music and lyrics

- Tom Hawkins being too weak to stand up to singing Dee Dee

- I do hate them for cutting down the best/the most ridiculous (acceptance song) songs to add that entire plot line with Barry

- Dee Dee's wish is a fucking mood

- I dont like that in the movie Tom tells Dee Dee Emma got kicked out without her there and really without the need to cause no one mentioned her parents. It just seems weird he's telling someone else's story basically unprompted

- I dont mind that they shortened You Happened but its that they shortened the gays bit but kept the straights over the top prom-posals complete

- again with the added scenes but glad it resulted in seeing Emma in that hideous number

- why get that many limos is a waste of money just carpool with your friendship group

- doing the two proms is so fucked up and then at the conference saying its because she would have been in danger from homophobes as if she wasn't the one to set it all up I dont give a fuck I hate Mrs. Greene

- I miss the cat onsie but also the panic and wonder as a middle aged woman dances is an accurate wlw experience. Honestly if Nicole Kidman came to my house, ate ice cream with me and did Zazz in front of me I'd do whatever she asked

- Ahh the scenes! I can watch without knowing the backstory of Dee Dee's divorce and I can't sit through emotional scenes of Corden playing a gay cause (I know its acting and anyone can play anyone) but knowing that the real life fear and those thoughts of not being accepted arent reflected in the actor just feels really... wrong

- love they kept in the urinal cake research

- "your father might come back" is an insane amount of pressure took put on your 'impressionable' child like seriously it's a miracle Alyssa turned out the way she did

- I keep getting Kaylee and Shelby mixed up in my head cause I now see Shelby as blonde haired cause of the Wilds

- we do love Shelby for having that quick of a change of heart

- but that fact that me (who is joked to be the unemotional one, very rarely crying and never at the same scene twice) gets teary eyed every time I listen to Unruly Heart shows that representation matters

- Alyssa rewatching the video over and over again, missing her ex is a fucking mood

- "the world's changed, sure it's not great" is so accurate and I love it

- I do prefer the idea that Greene just storms in alone rather than with the entire PTA as if all the parents can just drop what their doing to go be homophobic

- they are obviously allowed to swear more in the musical so I miss all the random 'fucks' in the middle of sentences but mostly Emma's 'Holy Shit' when Alyssa tells her she loves her

- the "you're going to lose your daughter" from Barry when Greene went to argue no longer there because he's made up with his mum just kinda changes the scene and the emotions

- because of that change Alyssa's reaction is different with her just crying on Emma's shoulder but I would have preferred the "i think I just came out in front of my mom" no matter what to change the tone back to a comedy

- I love that its a bunch of queers including trios then the four straights at the back like no one else at the school had a change of heart

- I love the look Alyssa gives to Dee after seeing her mum like "do I have to??" Getting a look of support then saying okay and walking over

- the fact that everyone is stood in a circle around them like this is the event they came to see like 'will the homophobic mum be accepting or not??'

- but I do like that that plot line of is Alyssa accepted is resolved in the movie

Do I prefer the musical to the movie?? Most definitely. With all that said will I be rewatching the film?? Absolutely.

[knittingdreams]

Fireheart - Chapter 8

Okay, let’s quickly give you all the links to the previous chapter while I *cof cof* work on a *cof* masterlist :D

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7

If you’re new to this story, Fireheart is a HS AU from the TOG saga. (I love and hate abbreviations so much, lol) It’s centered around Celaena joining High School when she’s 17, to try and find clues on who killed her parents. 

Sam (my baby, my love, my little beam) has a lot of protagonism in this story, and you’ll see his POV quiet often (like on this chapter, yayyy)

WARING: Almost every chapter will have physical violence and blood. I will do my best to remember and add other pertinent warnings on each chapter (sorry if I don’t, I’m still pretty new to publishing my work and sometimes forget about this things. Don’t hesitate to let me know if I forget, so I can make sure to add them up and save any readers a bad time, which is the last thing I want <3 I want my writing to entertain you, sometimes to break your heart a little, but only to fill it back up with mushy feelings afterwards n_n)

On the last chapter.... We left Celaena in the office, the door knob slowly twisting....

CHAPTER 8

A thanks would do

The dance floor was still packed, the same as it had been since the start of the night. People came and went, but the crowd never diminished. Sam had been dancing to the side of the room for a while, trying to talk with as many people as possible while keeping an eye on Celaena. He hadn’t been surprised when he saw her walking up the marble stairs, and had made sure to start a counter on his wristwatch. 

It was sitting on eleven minutes when Sam started to get fidgety and walked closer to the stairs’ landing while dancing with a girl called Ansel. She was so incredibly full of energy; Sam was almost struggling to keep up. 

“This party is lit!” The girl said as she raised her arms in the air and started spinning around in circles.

Sam used the distraction to leave the girl behind and move closer to the stair, casually lingering around the landing while fake sipping from an empty plastic cup. By the twelfth minute Chaol Westfall, the one he had learned to be Dorian’s best friend, headed up the stairs. He waited until the guy was almost to the top before he rushed up on silent feet. The staircase ended up in a long hallway stretching to the right, and a dead-end to the left. Sam peeked through the corner, watching Chaol walk halfway across the hallway and stop in front of a door. His hand sat on the knob for a moment before he looked to the side, towards the end of the hall, and kept walking.

“For fucks sake,” Sam murmured under his breath.

He tiptoed the first half of the hallway and once he was there, Chaol’s hand on the knob of the last door, he purposely tripped with the carpet and cursed out loud. Chaol almost jumped up as he turned around, his brows tightly knit together.

“What are you doing here?” The student president asked in a stern voice.

“So- So sorry, mate,” Sam half slurred. “They-Someone… told me there was a- agh- toilet up here,” he finished as he scratched the back of his neck, holding himself against the wall with one hand.

“You shouldn’t be up here,” Chaol said as he walked towards him. “There’s a bathroom downstairs you can use.”

“There was a - agh - really long - que… queue,” he finished as he stretched an arm and rested it on Chaol’s shoulder for extra support. “I’m really... busting.”

“Come here, I’ll show you the way to the secret bathroom out back, Dorian will kill you if you puke up here,” he continued. “He will get the place professionally cleaned up before his father is back in town, but still, he hates when people sneak up.” Chaol kept talking almost to himself as he walked Sam down the hall and towards the stairs. 

Sam looked back just in time to see Celaena peeking through the door before they turned the corner.

“You owe me,” he said under his breath, low enough for his voice to be lost under the music that was already reaching them from below.

***

All everybody was talking about on Monday morning was how amazing Dorian’s party had been. But all Sam could think about, was how close of a call it had been. He was sure Celaena had a plan B and could have gotten out of it, but any kind of suspicion could have ruined her plan. They were lucky no one had found anything out, and Celaena had shown back in the middle of the dance floor minutes later, dancing around as if she had never left.

He hadn't told Arobynn about the incident, he was too scared he would have scolded Celaena for being careless and almost getting caught. He was risking his neck by keeping that information to himself, but it was worth the risk. And obviously, Celaena hadn’t thanked him for the help. She hadn’t even spoken a word to him since the party.

Once lunchtime came over, Sam was feeling restless after thinking for so long. He needed something to do, he was probably just not used to the quietness. He had had a really busy weekend training for the fights to come, and sitting still wasn’t resonating with him. The tournament was set to start in a month, but he had a fight on the weekend to win his place in the competition, which meant he had trained hard, his muscles still aching from the strain he had caused his body.

He looked up at Celaena, who was eating her lunch with the exchange student again before he decided to go for a walk. He hung his bag from his shoulder and started circulating the hallways, pretending to be mindlessly walking while he tried to catch on anything unusual. He hadn’t studied the building as much as Celaena had, and he was always glad for any spare time to get to know the place better.

The halls were almost deserted and fairly quiet, which was probably why he heard the soft sobs coming from one of the classrooms. He headed straight towards the sound, opening the door slowly and finding a girl with her head hidden between her arms. All he could see was a mass of dark brown hair spilled onto the desktop. 

“Are you okay?” He asked as he approached the crying girl, carefully placing a hand on her forearm.

As the girl looked up, her emerald eyes made Sam’s gut twist at the sadness behind them. Her eyes were red-rimmed, with tears pooling in the corners. She looked puzzled for a moment, as if unsure of what to say.

“I’ll be alright,” she said in a small voice. “Just… leave me alone, I didn’t think anybody would find me here.” She turned around, hiding her face between her arms again.

Unsure of how to proceed, Sam sat on the floor next to her, his legs crossed.

“I think I’ll stick around in case you want to talk to someone, I promise I won’t bother you, but you shouldn’t be alone while you’re in pain,” he said. “I’ll be quiet,” he added.

She looked down at him with fresh tears running down her cheeks. “Why would you do this? You don’t even know me,” she said between quiet sobs.

“I don’t need to know you in order to care, Lysandra,” he said. She didn’t seem surprised that he knew her name, but why would she? Everybody in school knew who she was.

“Sorry, I don’t even know your name,” she said as she wiped her tears and tried to smile a little.

“I’m Sam, Sam Cortland.” He extended his hand, and Lysandra shook it with a chuckle.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“You’re distressed, I know I would like someone to be by my side if I was in your position, so here I am. I can listen to what’s troubling you, or I can just sit here in silence. If you like it better, we can chat about the weather or any other non-important matters to keep your mind off whatever is troubling you,” he offered.

Lysandra wiped the remaining tears with the palm of her hand, seeming calmer after Sam’s little monologue. She took out a small mirror from her bag and opened it up. 

“Don’t think I’m superficial, but I rather people not notice I’ve been crying,” she explained as she fixed her makeup, adding some mascara and then concealer under her eyes.

“Here, look at me,” Sam said as he pushed her chin lightly to make her look his way. “Hmmm, I can’t even tell, your eyes look brighter if that’s even possible, but you look as good as you do every day,” he concluded with a smile as he let go of her chin and stood up, offering her a hand. “Would you like to head back to the cafeteria?”

Lysandra accepted his hand to get to her feet but shook her head in denial. She smiled warmly at him for a moment, and then looked down to her feet.

“That would only lead to trouble, and the bell is probably about to ring. I’ll head straight to my next class, but thank you, Sam Cortland,” she looked up as she said his name, and started to walk towards the door.

“I’m always here to help,” Sam said as he followed her towards the door.

Lysandra walked through the threshold and turned left almost at the same time that Sam went out the door barely a step behind her, and turned the other direction. He was watching the girl walk away, and didn’t notice the small group of people coming back from the cafeteria already, making him bump straight into someone’s chest.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he took a step back and looked up.

“Look where you’re going, you fucking newby!” The guy he had bumped into said. Sam took an extra step back, feeling the angry energy that was emanating from the guy. He knew his kind, and he could tell anything he said would be used as an excuse to start a fight. 

There were already a few curious eyes looking their way, making him confirm his suspicions that the guy meant trouble.

“Sorry mate, my bad,” Sam said with his palms raised, trying to look smaller than he was as he rounded his shoulders inwards.

The guy standing in front of him took a step forward. He wasn’t taller than Sam, maybe even an inch shorter, but as the guy cracked his knuckles, Sam realized he wasn’t alone. Two taller guys were towering behind the first one, keeping watch.

“What were you doing, getting out of a room with a taken girl?” The bully said loud enough for the whole hall to hear as he pointed at Lysandra as if looking for an excuse to get mad at him. Sam looked over his shoulder and found the girl frozen in place only a few steps behind him.

“Leave her out of this,” Sam said, taking a protective step forward. “She’s got nothing to do with whatever is going on here.” He pointed to the narrow gap in between them. 

The guy closed that gap, grabbing a fist full of Sam’s shirt by its collar. He ran his other hand through his short black hair as a chuckle escaped his lips and his equally dark eyes bored into Sam’s golden ones. 

“What is going on here, is that you're about to get a black eye for being a smart ass,” he spat on his face.

“Look, mate,” Sam said with his hands still lifted in front of him, showing his palms. “I don’t even know you, sorry I bumped into you. Now, let’s just be mature about this and move on.” He smiled then, and he knew straight away that was the wrong thing to do. He knew the type all too well, the guy in front of him was going to have his head just for existing, just because he could feel a different vibe coming out of him; just because he felt threatened. 

He wished he could explain he was no competition to him.

“I’m Rourke,” the guy said with a grin. “And now that we know each other, junior, let’s teach you a lesson.”

Before Sam could even blink, Rourke’s fist collided against his jaw.

I’m so sorry my baby bean Sam T_T I love you! <3

Isn’t he the most adorable thing?? <3

[sunflower-swan]

Not fandom related. TW for Covid content. I just need to put this out there.

...

...

...

One year ago this week...

Wednesday, March 11, 2020: My HS Choir sang the national anthem at the opening game of the state basketball tournament. We had lunch on Mass Street. My Mom came to see me and have lunch together. Dad was busy with farm stuff. My kids were excited to meet my Mom. On our way home we visited the capital building because they had never seen it before.

Thursday, March 12, 2020: HS Music trip to St. Louis cancelled. We were supposed to leave in a week. The kids had been fundraising for a year. We still haven't taken this trip. I'm hopeful for next year.

Friday, March 13, 2020: All of my groups had fantastic rehearsals. We were on the right path to having another great contest season. I told my kids I would see them Monday. We had four more days until Spring Break.

Sunday, March 15, 2020, around 5pm: Schools in my state shutdown until further notice.

Sunday, March 15, 2020, around 5:15pm: Calls and texts from crying and hysterical seniors who just lost all of their lasts. Who had been practicing their solos for months because this was going to be the year they received top marks at state music. Who had their final day with their band and/or choir family and they didn't know it at the time.

And then...

November 2020: A staff member tests positive. I was sitting next to them in a meeting the day before. We were both wearing masks and socially distanced. I was not quarantined.

Also November 2020: Three of my students test positive. I sit next to one of them during band rehearsal the day before. We were socially distanced and I'm not quarantined.

Still November 2020: My BIL tests positive. Sister and kids are quarantined. Family Thanksgiving is cancelled. We'll get together for Christmas.

Day after Thanksgiving 2020: My Uncle calls me to say he was in the hospital a few weeks ago for Covid. My Uncle never calls me. I probably hadn't talked to him in... A year? It was nice to talk to him but apparently thinking you're going to die changes a person.

A week before Christmas 2020: My Dad and his parents admitted to the hospital for Covid. My Dad and Grandma come home. My Grandpa does not... He passes away on New Years Eve. We did not have family Christmas.

Two weeks ago: We made an impromptu visit to see my family. It did not suck as much as I expected it to, to be at my grandparents house. It was the first time had seen them in person in four months. My Grandma is having surgery to remove her thyroid soon. When she was in the hospital for Covid the doctors found early stage cancer.

It has been a real turd of a year for everyone. For educators I feel like it has had an extra special suck. In my classroom (band & choir), kids are literally projecting their breath forcefully into the air. Kinda scary in an environment where kids are often unknown carriers of a dangerous virus that is transmitted through droplets expelled from one's mouth.

In August, when I found out my school was going completely in person with no mask requirement, I did some serious soul searching for a couple of days. In the end, I took the gamble that if I got sick, odds where good that I would feel lousy for a week or two but ultimately be ok. If I wasn't at school, then my kids would not be able to play their instruments or sing, and what's the point in being in music if you can't do those things?

I still feel like that was an unfair choice I was forced to make. The choice between my future health and my students education. For many kids, their elective classes get them out of bed and at school every day. A couple of teachers chose to teach remotely. I'm glad they had that option. The way I looked at it, if I wanted my program to survive beyond this year, and I did, then I had to be at school.

Not gonna lie, that first month of school was rough on me. I hadn't been around anyone other than close family in about six months. I went to the store a couple times with my husband early in the spring. Apparently I don't hide my fear as well as I think I do because we got home and he said that he wouldn't make me do that again. And he hasn't, bless him.

Except... Our weekly trips to the store were fun. We don't really go out so that was our time together outside of home. And we lost that. He still does the shopping on his own. It's the only time he leaves the house other than when we walk the dogs in the evening. (His job allows him to work from home.)

Which brings us to today. I got my second Covid shot on Friday. Saturday I spent the day in bed. I didn't feel "bad" I was just too exhausted to do anything. Yesterday I felt better but still kinda tired. I don't like needles or shots, and the thought of receiving an emergency vaccine really scared the hell out of me.

Teachers in my state were part of group two, right after senior citizens and health care workers, to have the chance at the vaccine. Some of my colleagues chose to opt out. In the end I decided to get it because my Grandpa couldn't. He was gone before it was an option.

And then my Dad sends me this picture this morning:

I was probably about six years old here. And that's my Grandpa helping me ride a bike.

Tell your loved ones you love them every chance you get. Don't take a single second for granted.

...

This ended up way longer than I expected it to be. When I started it was just going to be what happened a year ago. And then it sorta snowballed into everything from the past year. If you've made it this far, well, congratulations I guess. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

[gohyuck]

hey raya idk if this is weird but like i'm not from america so could u explain the high school + uni education system? in terms of years and exams that you have to take. if this doesn't trouble you!!

in general uhhh high school is 4 years long: freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. you can take AP (advanced placement), IB (international baccalaureate), or dual credit community college (maybe university, sometimes, depending on your location) courses during your time in high school to get ahead in college. my school offered AP and dual credit and i took AP courses because dual credit weighed less for our GPA (so if you could potentially get a 6.0 gpa in an AP course, you could only get a 5.5 in a dual credit course). because of this, i went into college with about 49/50 credit hours already completed (my major requires about 125 to graduate). 

during HS, most people will figure out want they want to do afterwards: typically, this is community college, 4 year college (private or public), or trade school. i’ve heard of people taking ‘gap years’ (one year between HS and college where they do whatever they want/work/get internships/etc) but i don’t know too many people who choose to do so. now, I attend a 4 year public research university, so i only really know about that. most 4 year institutions require that you take standardized tests in HS so that they can compare you to their other applicants. 

said standardized tests are the ACT or the SAT, which most people take their junior (11th grade) year. i took the SAT as a sophomore (10th grade), which isn’t unheard of, but isn’t typical either. because i did so well on the SAT, i never took the ACT. depending on what schools you want to apply to, you can take SAT subject tests as well, which are upper/typically college level tests you can take to show your prowess in specific subjects. for example, i took 3 subject tests: english literature, physics, and math level 2 (there are 2: math level 1 and math level 2, the 2nd one is a higher level test) because i applied for engineering. i know many of my friends who decided to go premed took chemistry, or biology; however, that being said, i did graduate with high honors in a school that sent students to numerous accredited universities, so you don’t typically see people taking subject tests and it’s more of an anomaly than a rule. 

less talked about but fairly widely administered is the PSAT, which you take throughout high school. the only PSAT score that matters is the score you get your junior year, because, if you qualify as the top 0.5% of PSAT test takers, you could possibly get money in college. however, you may not always get it depending on whether or not your university chooses to pay. case in point: i was in fact one of the top 0.5% but my university chooses not to pay, so i don’t get any scholarship money due to the PSAT. thankfully, i have other scholarships.

from here on out i’ll talk about four year universities, because i never applied to community colleges or trade schools nor did i ever attend one, so i have no experience with them.

after high school, if you choose to attend or qualify to attend a 4 year university, you’ll go into your undergraduate degree, which is usually a 4 year (120 credit hour) Bachelor’s degree.

when you apply to colleges you include your SAT or ACT (and SAT subject test) scores, your extracurriculars, and personal essays/statements that each school will give you as well as a general essay you send to all schools. once you send your app in it’s out of your hands, and colleges will start accepting or denying you at their own discretion. you can choose to apply early decision to one school, in which case if you get in you HAVE to go unless you absolutely cannot afford it, or you can choose to apply early action, which means a school can potentially accept you early or defer your decision to regular admission times, at which point they will either accept or reject you. 

once you’ve gotten into a school and you attend that school then the exams you take depend on the classes you’re in. your class schedule per semester is counted by credit hours, or hours of class you have a week. i currently take “13 credit hours” or 4 classes, of which 3 are 3 credit hour courses and 1 is 4 credit hours. because i’m an engineering major, though, this is more like a 22 credit hour week because my school doesn’t always include labs and discussion sections in the hour count, but that’s unrelated and i digress. generally, if you’re a pre-med student you’ll have to take the MCAT at some point in order to eventually get into med school, generally junior year. if you’re pre-law, you have to take the LSAT at some point to get into law school later. i’m engineering, and my focus will end up being finding internships and job/research opportunities during my time in school. 

i see a lot of tiktoks and things like that discrediting american students or saying that the SAT or ACT or whatever are super easy/etc., but i do think that they’re fairly analytical exams that many people can easily have trouble with. 

[ofpipers]

* kang hyunggu, genderfluid + he/they  | you know jaehyun “kaz” choi, right? they’re twenty-one, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, twenty-one years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to love my way by the psychedelic furs like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole dancing in your socks and slipping, accidentally laughing during a serious moment, chipped nail polish thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is april 17th, so they’re an aries, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

hellooooooo ! i’m bea ( they/them ) and this is <3333333 my dumbass, kaz ! 

i’ve given up on doing traditional bios, so please bear with me.

( hi, i switch between he and they ! )

was born in irving to two eccentric parents, one a college professor and the other a stay at home dad. is an only child and absolutely lived it up growing up. his parents absolutely ADORED him and doted on him and to this day he has a very close relationship with them and his family.

kind of a troublemaker growing up ! not like, anything horrible. they were ( and still are ) just very talkative and friendly. definitely one of those kids that teachers hated because you couldn’t separate them from their friends, bc EVERYONE was their friend. and on top of that, they always got good grades, so it was... annoying because they didn’t understand why they couldn’t talk and joke during class since they always passed.

hs was harder .... #giftedchildburnout. he realized that... damn. this is kinda hard. went from being a straight a student to needing tutoring and then getting frustrated that they needed a tutor to spiraling even more -- it was annoying.

took his frustrations out with partying and actually got heavily into drugs and alcohol, which only worsened his grades when he showed up to school drunk / high all the time.

eventually, he stopped showing up entirely and dropped out.

his parents refused to give up on him, but it was only when he was caught stealing his mom’s jewelry for money that they sat him down and told him he had a problem

they sent him to rehab and he’s been clean ever since ( it’s been about a year ! ) 

wants to get his ged but is too scared :/ 

works at the roller rink :sunglassesemoji: 

CONNECTIONS !

roommates ( 0/3 ) : he had to move out sometime, right? unfortunately his current job doesn’t pay enough for him to live on his own. very chaotic. think new girl.

childhood best friend : he cut them off when he dropped out because he was ashamed and embarrassed of what he’d turned into, but they were the first person he called once he got into rehab and they’ve made amends. his rock.

hs tutor : this could be fun ! we could do all types of things with them. he and this muse had a huge blowout which actually led to him completely dropping out. feelings could’ve been involved ? maybe your muse felt like they were failing him and was frustrated bc he didn’t care ? could be so angsty hehe

honestly anything. friends, exes, good/bad influences whatever you need <3

[tazzykiki]

I’m tired, angry and bored so here we go! A messy list of fucked up Public School Things that may or may not be a universal experience:

The Lunches were a mix of good and horrible:

I was usually fine with the lunches because they were pretty decent and, like, yay food! But looking back they were just, so wrong????

Like in my middle school lunches AND breakfast were a mess. I got food poisoning like once or twice from the breakfast and the lunch was pitiful. At one point they just stopped cooking the pasta and left a bunch of uncooked, powdery noodles in a plastic box like anyone was gonna grab them and be like “mm yes! my favorite! hard noodles!”. Like what the actual fuck.

The pizza was also in a box, none of the toppings were labeled so it was a gamble on what type you would get, and most of the time they were burnt. In HS the pizza was fine but it tasted fake as hell and I’m pretty sure they just took some rubber and put cheese on it.  

My HS lunches were better but even then it was just, really concerning how limited and odd the food was. Luckily we didn’t have to pay except for like cookies and stuff smaller than your hand that costs like $2 cuz they want to “promote healthiness” despite feeding us what is basically prison food.

The class sizes were horrifying: I’m sorry but what person can teach 30+ rowdy kids and be perfectly fine??? Not to mention this was the norm the whole day! Imagine grading all those papers, keeping track of every student, and making sure they all shut up long enough to teach. And that’s just for the teachers who actually care.

Like a class size should be a max of 20 with a few exceptions. Do you know how stressful it is for everyone involved? Not to mention, 30 kids was considered SMALL!! Some classes had 40, even 50 STUDENTS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK.

We never had enough books, or supplies, or anything. Usually by the half point of the year, half the books would be missing or destroyed and it was a mess. In HS the Drama and Music teachers had to deal with like, one class of 10-20, and then like 5 classes of 40-50(all mixed grades too). And you know what’s even more fucked up? There was only one of each teacher.

There was one drama teacher. Who btw deserves the world and legit cares about her job and students. I honestly hope she quit and went somewhere better. She had to put up with 40+ screaming kids, grade all of those assignments, deal with insult and harassment(she was plus-sized and white. So she couldn’t talk back, would get insulted, and more.The only white people allowed to be sassy in that school were funny white men that were laid back), and had barely enough supplies to get by.

There was one music teacher. Who also deserves the world and legit cares about her job and students. She had to deal with 40-50, almost 60+, kids. The majority of them being sophomores and freshman, with bits of seniors and juniors. She taught music, taught band, and organized events and performances. She is, I believe, the first and only music teacher in that school and that’s just so fucked up. Like imagine being one person and having to manage hundreds of students like that.

There was only one digital arts teacher but I have no idea what they did since you can’t choose what class you attend. I just know it was constantly crowded, never really applauded, and they weren’t involved in a lot of things.

Oh yes how could I forget the art teacher! Yeah no there was no art class that involved drawing and painting. Apparently that class was scrapped years ago and has now turned into a JROTC locker! :D Speaking of JROTC:

JROTC and Sports had too much support and that’s a serious problem:

Hey maybe it’s because I’m an art kid and I hate exercising(because every attempt to do so was met with laughter, humiliation, and the ridicule of my body even though I can’t control how my body grows and changes), but man did JROTC and sports(specifically football) have way too much attention.

We had not one, not two, but FOUR ENTIRE JROTC CLASSES! Classes training you to be in the military, specifically Air Force. Classes you HAD to take unless you wanted to be in gym(never had the class but from what I’ve heard, there were about 50-70 kids, mostly male, filling up that class and they didn’t do anything but play ball or whatever. All of course, taught by one guy).

Somehow this program had enough support for uniforms, 4 different classrooms, supplies, several teachers(all of whom were in the military at one point[they were chill except for the freshman teacher who called you a whiny baby for being in pain]), and more. 

Not to mention, every so often military people would come by with pretty pamphlets and fun little strength tests and have kids to sign up to newsletters and shit and ask them to join the military when they graduate so they can get free college and happy fun times!! :D

Football was given way too much attention, even over the other sports, and I absolutely hate it. Every month was about  football, football, football. So much money went into football, so much support went into football. Yeah yeah yeah follow your dreams or whatever the fuck they tell you on Disney Channel, but there was too much support on this one sport that involved kids breaking their heads open. 

Please please give me ONE valid reason why this irritating-ass sport had so much attention while art students, craft students, theater students, music students, students who want to work in literally any other field that doesn’t involve science or sports had to fucking scrape every tiny little chance they could from the crumbs that were left behind. PLEASE tell me why I had to join a completely different program that was hella exclusive and restricted to Juniors and Seniors that had a certain skill-level just to have a proper arts class while football players got a cool fancy bus, a shit ton of gear, and praise every single day(seriously their pictures and trophies were everywhere). 

Why is it that they get scholarships and full rides for throwing a ball around and bashing their brains open while I had to fucking destroy my hand and scramble around for some shit like $200 which I wouldn’t even get because I don’t have the skill to paint the mona lisa or whatever. Anywayyyy~

Hey what the fuck was up with the rules? Sorry kids but if you’re reading this, everything they tell you on tv about high school is a lie. Unless you watched the Dora the Explorer movie, then that was actually pretty accurate.

Hey is it weird we had metal detectors and legit police officers(who were armed) in our school? Is it weird that we had to wear plastic, see-through book-bags, that weren’t even given to us for free and were so weak that they had to get rid of that rule because they would break after like 2 months? Is it weird we were all stuffed into a nasty, sticky, pest-ridden, staircase right in front of the main doors in the morning because we weren’t allowed all the way inside for whatever reason unless it was for a club(i.e. sports)? Is it weird that we were all trapped in the lunch room by security guards because they didn’t want kids roaming the halls even though they already did? Is it weird we weren’t allowed to go to the bathroom and were always told “you should’ve went your last class” when your last class didn’t let you? Is it weird we weren’t allowed to use the bathroom and were always told that “you should’ve went during the transition time” even though the transition time was only 4 minutes and the hallways were so crowded that it’d be time for class by the time you’d get there?

Is it weird that when we were allowed to use the bathroom, all of the bathrooms were locked and only one on the other side of the school was open, and the majority of the stalls were broken? And they kept the bathrooms locked, even after school, because they didn’t want kids skipping class even though they still did?

Is it weird that if you didn’t have a belt(if you were male), or a part of your uniform, you would be prevented from going to class if there were no more temporary uniforms?

Is it weird that if one kid did something bad, the entire class would be punished and class time would be wasted and the point of punishment would be lost because the teacher wanted a taste of power or whatever?(hey one time in 8th grade, both classes had to stand in one long ass line for about half an hour because someone was talking and it was treated like it was a joke. this took up our breakfast time too)

Other Shit: One time my HS got like $20,000 and instead of using it to fix at least one thing, they wasted it on useless flatscreen tv’s and SAT “tutors” that taught us 3rd grade english & math, how to annotate(I swear to fucking god one more person try and teach me how to underline a motherfucking sentence---) and did absolutely nothing to help us. Meanwhile the football players were living like kings.

We had a strange assortment of teachers, ya’ll know about my junior and senior english teacher. But did I ever tell you about the freshman JROTC instructor? She was so much fun~ I remember one time!!! ooh this is a good one :DDDD!!!! that I was in so muuuuuch pain that I was crying and couldn’t move! and guess what!!!!???? ooh! ooh! guess! She called me a whiny baby and said I was overreacting!!!! omg? She was so right tho, I was totally overreacting to being in immense, insufferable, pain that no one even attempted to be concerned about~~ 

Oh here’s another good one: I used to cry a lot! It was horribly embarrassing and not fun~ I was either sick, on my period(which according to the multiple doctors I had to be rushed to, was normal and the intense pain was hereditary), or having an emotional breakdown~ This lasted from 5th grade to Senior Year of HS! :D

One time I was in a lot of pain, 7th grade I believe, and cried for a whole hour straight. What did my teacher do? Have me sit in class while everyone went to like social studies or whatever, talked with some teachers, and then complained about how I “cried and cried and cried for an hour straight” with no concern whatsoever. BTW the nurse was never there and even then she was kinda useless.

Don’t even get me started on the several times I was on my period and was actually screaming in pain and was still looked down on because a student screaming and hollering in pain is no cause for concern obviously~ Really surprising how a lot of the male teachers and staff were more concerned then the female ones, especially the science teacher who has a uterus, has multiple daughters, and the audacity to say I’m ~overreacting~. I’m so happy our teachers and schools have our priorities in order.

Note: If you’re horrified by this. Good. You should be.

More misc things: My HS had a shit ton of roaches, water bugs, and whatever those long disgusting things that walk around on the walls and fall off once you see them. Art meant nothing to them. Teacher sanity meant nothing, student sanity meant nothing. The principal was great and I blame whoever’s “funding” schools and working behind the scenes.  I know this was more about personal stuff, but like a lot of things like large classes, lack of supplies, lack of empathy from teachers, constant pests, horrible food, stupid rules that hurt us more than helped, really weird exposure to cops and military, and too much focus on one subject is super common in public schools and I really really want it to stop.

[tinyhwng]

Selfish Goodbye

request? yes (@hwangscorpio)

pairing: professor!changbin x reader

t/w: none?

genre: college au + angst + slight fluff

word count: 2,540

a/n: hhh idk how this one is but i enjoyed the beginning at least. my mind slowly went blank towards the end but hopefully that doesn’t show too much. also, im not finished hs yet so i don’t have a grasp of how uni or college goes so pls bear w me :( [+ instead of blackmailing, i kind of just guilt-tripped the reader ]

summary: You absolutely hated your new university. You had nothing against the classes—they were okay— but the students who always seemed to push their noses up each other's ass for drama is what you loathed the most. You know it shouldn't bother you but they ended up taking the same class that you had the utmost interest in. Well, the class wasn't anything special nor anything worth learning. You actually weren't even required to take that class, but one particular detail of the Music History Appreciation class had a part of you extremely intrigued.

Seo Changbin, or also known as Professor Seo. He was the youngest in the faculty of staff and was extremely respected due to his achievements at such a young age. Everyone loved Professor Seo but for you, it wasn't just a simple idolization. You wanted him, badly and once you had something in your mind, that was all that filled your head. And you wanted to act on it.

His image was innocent to the public, just a young professor who know too well for his age. He had nothing else in mind but expand his learnings and use his class as a way to teach other young women and men about music. It wasn't until his eyes landed on the corner of the room and spotted the prettiest girl he swore, he's ever seen. It's where he felt his heart ache for a little more. just one more second of you. He caught himself halt from speaking as his eyes gazed in your direction, watching in awe as your fingers cascade through the strings of your hair. He hurriedly looks back the other way, hoping no one had noticed the odd silence in the room.

A month into the class, you figured to visit him after a lesson to hopefully discuss your questions over lunch and to your surprise, he accepted your request. You already had the lunch in hand so you both decided to just stay in the classroom and you also noticed the bit of panic he had in his eyes when you suggested eating at the park nearby.

He gulps hard before he took the seat across from you, breaking the silence himself. "So, what were you having troubles with?"

You grab the notebook full of notes from your bag but as you mindlessly placed the notebook on the desk, you ended up shoving a whole drink down your pants. You jumped at cold liquid making contact with your legs and Changbin immediately reaches for the box of tissues he had on his desk. "Here, take this."

You also had knocked over your drink on your notes that were quite crucial for the homework you needed to hand in next class. You mouthed the word fuck as you snatched your dripping notebook away from the desk. Changbin saw the panic in your eyes, unable to process why you were so frantic about a mere notebook.

"Calm down. What's wrong?" He walked around his table to find you on the ground, knees to your chest as tears appeared on the surface of your eyes. He crouches to your level, helping you up.

You had no idea why you felt this emotional. Before this lunch, barely a part of you cared about that homework but when you saw your drink soaking through your pages of notes, scenarios flashed in your mind that you didn't want to happen. You were absolutely sure you were going to disappoint him, just as you were trying to get close to him, you had to ruin everything. As soon as you felt his arm grasp your elbow to help you up, you froze, your eyes fixed on him and you felt your world stop.

His did too.

Ever since that lunch, a small connection between the two of you slowly blossomed. He exempted you from the homework that was required the day after that very lunch and you just ended up admiring him even more. From time to time, both of you would steal these little quick glances during class where you felt your lips smile every time he'd speak in your direction. You absolutely loved the class but what you loved the most was the time after that class. You frequently had lunch in the classroom with Changbin, usually talking about your plans after university but as time went on, subjects became less about your school and more about your personal life. You bonded with him and clicked right away due to your similarity in a lot of things. He told you that music was something he'd always been interested in and when he had his mind on it, it was all he could think of. He confessed to numerous things he found difficult despite everyone praising him for "knowing everything" and "being good at everything".

A time came where you were tired of hinting everything and you just confessed. You told him that you felt something for him but Changbin knew this wasn't something allowed. The school had a rule that banned any unprofessional relationships between staff and students but hurting your feelings was the last thing he wanted and he knew himself, he felt the same towards you too, although this whole situation was entirely not allowed.

"Look, I feel the same too. It's just... we can't."

"What do you mean 'we can't'? We're both adults and you're only twenty-four and I'm twenty-one. It's not like we're doing anything illegal."

"Y/N... it's complicated."

"But you feel the same for me right?" You voice looked for hope. You were slowly getting closer to Changbin, desperately waiting for something good.

"I can't lose my job, y/n and I can't let you be kicked out of here because of me. I can't let that happen."

You saw as his face went through every emotion. He looked so vulnerable, an image you'd never thought to see yet here you are, looking at him as his eyes looked elsewhere but yours. You approach him, waiting for his eyes to find yours, "No one needs to know okay? We'll manage."

Your voice soothed him, fairly disappointed in himself for being so weak in front of you when he needs to be the one that reassures you. He finally locked his gaze with yours, his pupils shaking due to the fairly close distance between the two of you. You were right there, in his reach where he can just hold you and just let everything else go. And that's what he did.

He took your face into his hands and you let him. His eyes trail down to your face to your lips and back to your eyes, asking for permission. You nodded and your eyes shut with anticipation. His lips clash with yours and your body relaxed to his touch. His taste was everything you've been looking for, a taste you'd never thought you'd taste and you desperately wanted more of it. Before the situation gets out of hand, Changbin pulls away while he rests his forehead on yours, simply breathless from a sudden make-out session. He loved it. He emits a smile before he cups your cheeks into his hands, helping himself place a small kiss on the top of your forehead. He held you for so long thinking how nice it would be if he could just hold you forever, but he knew that was asking for too much. You both had to hide everything that was going on between the two of you and be extremely careful around one another. If your relationship ever goes public, it would be the end of his career and your relationship so no matter how difficult it was, you couldn’t give up.

You both let your relationship go slow along the with the flow—except no one knows that it even exists— where you both let each day slowly craft a bigger picture until that time where you can both take off your masks and mutter each other's names around other people. You gradually learn from one another, weaknesses to strengths, likes to dislikes, accomplishments to regrets, etc. Each day that went by where you spent time with him felt nice. All it was missing is the freedom of actually being outside, be with people and hold hands while walking down the park. But you chose this, you wanted him meant hiding everything. You kept telling yourself that in the end, this will all be worth it... but for how long?

Everything was going well for the most part. You frequently spent your time together, away from others though you didn't mind because to you, he was all that mattered—

"Lia? What are you doing here-"

"Is Professor Seo here? I have some questions to ask... in private." The tone in her voice turned with disgust when she turned to you.

You had no idea why but you definitely took it to heart and you were absolute as to why she acted that way. You nod at her, walking past her as you felt a smirk form on the corners of her mouth. Changbin entered the room but before he could talk to you, you had already walked past him and closed the door behind you. Breathing hard as you steady yourself on the door behind you, leaving a few moments later without even a single glance back.

"Have you thought about my offer... sir?" Lia chuckled, taking a seat on Changbin's desk, crossing her legs as her eyes followed the frantic walks of the man in front of her. "Professor? Did you hear me?"

Changbin snaps out of it, his mind goes blank as he forgets why the girl was in front of him. "Sorry, what?"

"My father's offer. You're taking it right?"

"I already told him. I said n-"

Lia hops off the desk and approaches Changbin. "Why do you keep saying no. You know this will boost your career."

"I'm not interested."

"My father won't like hearing this. This might end your career... forever."

"Why did he even choose me? I might be a professor Lia but that does not mean I'm not young."

"You see... my father didn't choose you. I did but look- we don't have to get married like my father is asking but we can go out at least. It will boost your image, I swear."

"Lia- I don't see you like that."

"Well, I like you. If we try then you'll start seeing me the way I see you. I'm willing to start one-sided for now, Changbin."

"No-it's just. I can't..." Changbin wanted to dismiss the conversation and run out to call you. His mind was barely even in the conversation and his thoughts slowly filled with the images of you.

"...Is there someone else?"

"N-No. It's not that."

"It is that" her voice was firm; "who is it?"

Changbin didn't answer and her curiosity grew. "Was it her?"

"Her?"

"The girl who was here. The girl who's always here. She isn't here because she's failing, right? Changbin, was that just an excuse?" Each word felt like a punch. There was almost no use in lying anymore. "So that was why you kept missing dad's dinner invitations."

Changbin tried to make up multiple excuses in his head but his mind was still as blank as it was. He almost believed he was dreaming but he knew this was bound to happen. Changbin went up to Lia, begging her to stay quiet about this or maybe at least about you. There was no response from Lia which led Changbin to believe that she'll do what he asked for... or at least he thought.

You had put your phone aside to study which caused you to miss a call from Changbin. He also sent a few texts but you still failed to see them. Moments later, you receive an email on your laptop.

"Greetings, Miss. Y/LN. I don't think introducing myself is necessary so I'll just get straight to the point. If you keep doing what you're currently doing, he'll lose his job. So if you're thinking of continuing this unprofessionalism of yours, this school will lose one of its greatest professors because a student like you couldn't find another way to get better grades other than to literally suck up to a professor. Oh, and we can easily revoke your scholarship so it would be great if you get off his class and his pants for at least his sake. I don't want him to lose his job either so I hope you'd think the same."

Your chest felt heavy as you read the email. Someone knows? You thought. You reach for your phone, immediately being bombarded with the countless unread messages and missed calls. Another email pops up on your laptop screen.

"Don't bother telling Changbin. Are you really gonna force him to quit a job he's worked so hard for? Don't be that selfish. Don't worry about his class. I'll take care of it so you don't have anything to lose, in fact, I'm basically cheating your way to finishing his class earlier. More time for you to look for other things, okay?"

You erased the message you were about to send to Changbin, shutting your phone off as you retracted yourself in the comfort of your own bed. Although comfortable was the last word you could describe that moment. You were crying, damping the sheets that had surrounded you to the point where it didn't even feel wet anymore since you were already soaked. There was an urge in you to call him and ask him to comfort you but that idea soon died when you realized the risk that had. Everything felt so cruel even if you knew you were the one that signed up for it, knowing the worse could happen anytime and once it really happens, you're out of words and you're all emotions. Empty but emotional. Your skin tensed up and the hairs along arms stood as you remembered the last time he held you in his arms. You had a bitter taste in your mouth as they felt empty without the taste of his lips and your face felt cold without his hands to hold it. You cry, stronger every second and there had never been a time where you felt as selfish as at that very moment. You kept thinking of the times he brushed his fingers through your hair and the times he'd smile the brightest when you'd unexpectedly kiss him. He gave so much of him and it felt like you gave too little of yourself, and this time, it was too late to give more. Your heart ached but not because you needed to stop loving him but because you knew you could never stop.

A week went by and you were seen nowhere near his class. Changbin hoped you'd show up at his door one last time with lunch in hand and pages worth of questions just like how it was before. But you never did. Weeks grew into multiple months and any sign of you was still nowhere to be seen. He refrained from asking about you and soon he'd slowly think less of you or at least that's what he wanted to think. He saw that someone had occupied your old seat and for a single second, he was sure he saw you but just like how it's been, you were nowhere. Even now, even without you there, he'd still eat in his classroom just like before. SImply hoping he'd at least hear one last goodbye from you.