#like i was already crying over xiao's whole thing of finally accepting help

[wangsejabin]

Chapter 62

A pair of perfumed hands held her up.

The fingers were long and white, and the little finger and ring fingers wore very fine golden nail guards. "Come on, you have such a big belly, what's the point of saluting. I would dare to accept it, but I'm afraid our Crown Prince won't like it." The Crown Princess said with a smile.

The first half of the whole sentence was not bad, but it changed in flavour at the end. With that implication, even if Pan'er did not want to salute, she had no choice*. Pan'er took two more steps back and bowed down to salute. With her huge belly, it was difficult for her to bend over, let alone curtsy.

As the Prince watched her struggle, cold air was visible on his face.

The Crown Princess also froze, she hadn't expected Pan'er to give in in public. Since Pan'er had been the only concubine taken on tour, as well as there had been no reports of anyone else having been accepted or favoured by the prince, the princess had expected that she would have grown arrogant after a whole year of being solely favoured. Obviously she had not let anyone else get close to the crown prince. Fully expecting that now that she was pregnant, Pan'er would use it as an excuse not to curtsy or be arrogant. That arrogance would have given her a handle on Su Fengyi, giving her a legitimate reason to deal with her and put her back in her place.

"Look at you, I was just joking with you, and you took it seriously. Get up, get up, don't hurt your stomach." Unfortunately, it was too late to say this, and it made the situation very awkward.

Hu Liangdi glanced at her and smiled as she walked up to support Pan'er, "The Crown Princess just likes to joke with us, so it's fine, I've has always had a tricky temper, I've always made the Crown Princess angry. So, the palace is really full of wit, this just arrived in front of the East Palace, before a few words are said, the jokes begin."

Hu Liangdi's words seemed to be speaking for the Crown Princess, but in reality, she was slandering the Crown Princess as jealous and harsh right under the Crown Prince's nose - and at the same time allying with Pan'er, a new favourite. You see, the Crown Princess is such a fool, let's join forces, shall we?

Pan'er didn't dare to answer, smiled gratefully at Hu Liangdi and stood by without saying a word. The prince withdrew his gaze and looked around at the crowd, "All rise." Then he took the lead and led the people inside.

Fu Lu was busy chasing after him, gesturing to the people around him to send two of them to escort Su Fengyi inside.

Who knew that Zhang Laishun would take the initiative to come forward and help Pan'er. This little rabbit was climbing up the ladder again," Fu Lu spat in his heart.

--

On the other side of the courtyard, Bai Jue and the others had already prepared themselves. Xiao Dezi, in particular, had been like a motherless child since his master had left, and he used to walk out as Brother De, but now he walked out without anyone knowing him. But no one gave him a hard time, and I must say that was a rare thing.

When he heard that the Prince would soon be back, Xiao De Zi counted the days on his fingers every day, and now that he was finally back, he waited at the door so that he would see his master the moment she returned. He was waiting at the door so that he could see his master at the first sign of her return, but when he saw her, but why was there this eunuch at his side? When he got closer, Xiao Dezi realised it was Zhang Laishun and was relieved. He was still thinking that it was because of some unscrupulous person who had taken his place, but Zhang Laishun didn't matter, as Eunuch Zhang was the Prince's man.

"My Master hey, my Master you are finally back." If it weren't for the fact that crying was not allowed in the palace, Xiao Dezi would have just about cried bitterly to show how much he had expected his master's return. He went back and forth around Pan'er, but he couldn't squeeze in, there was Aunt Qing on her left and Zhang Laishun on her right.

When Pan'er went in and sat down, he was still outside the door, looking like 'I want to go in, but I also need to show that I know the rules'. Pan'er was amused by him and beckoned, "Look at you, you're so useless! What's wrong, has someone's bullied you?" Xiao Dezi came in and knelt down and said sweetly, "No one is bullying me, I just miss my master. "

Xiao Tianzi, who was also outside the door, but did not go as far as Xiao Dezi, spat in his heart: "Horse's ass, stinking shit, you're the only one who can say such a thing with a straight! And he was the one who could! He was the one who knew that the master was back, so Little Dezi could be inside and he was outside.Xiao Tianzi slapped himself, telling you to be useless.

"All right, all right, look at your sweet mouth." Pan said with a smirk. As she spoke she rubbed her waist, she was about to say something when she saw Zhang Laishun still standing at the side, so she said, "I'm sorry to bother Eunuch Zhang, there's nothing more for me here, so Eunuch Zhang should hurry back and rest, you've been busy all day."

"I'm not tired, since there's nothing else to do here, I'll go back to my master." Pan'er nodded with a smile and glanced at Xiang Pu. Before Xiang Pu could react, Bai Jue was busy stepping forward and sending Zhang Laishun out, stuffing him with a purse on his way out.

He didn't want to take it, he dared to take anyone's purse but he thought it was back at the palace, so he accepted it as he entered the room, and thanked Su for being so polite. When Zhang Laishun went out, Pan'er hurriedly said, "Quickly, quickly, help me to lie on the bed for a while, my back really hurts."

When she had taken off her shoes and sat down on the bed, Pan'er poked her lightly with her hand and shook her head, "It's time for you to learn more from Bai Jue. "The scolding was affectionate, and Xiang Pu rubbed her head in dismay. She had been out for so long that she was not as responsive as the others, so she really needed to learn more from Bai Jue. Although Qing Dai was not reprimanded, she also looked thoughtful.

While Aunt Qing rubbed Pan'er's back with her own hands, Bai Jie and Bai Zhi were busy pouring water and serving fruit, coming and going, all with a happy look in their eyes. Xiao De Zi, in particular, would have come up if his master hadn't been so close to him that he didn't need to serve him. "All of you should not be busy, you are back anyway. By the way, has anything happened in this palace since I've been gone?" There was not much, but what there was, had happened mainly in Jidetang and in Hu Liangdi's place.

In less than two months after the prince left, Hu Liangdi gave birth to the fourth county princess, which made her very frustrated, as she had vowed that it would be a young imperial grandson, but it turned out to be a daughter. Since then, Hu Liangdi has kept a low profile and has stopped talking about the Empress and finding excuses not to pay her respects to the Crown Princess.

As for Jidetang, it is also very quiet, the child in her belly occupied the whole heart and mind of the Crown Princess, and she was only concentrating on keeping the baby alive. There were two occasions when she almost went into premature labour, but the doctor was able to stabilise her, even so the Crown Princess was still in premature labour for half a month and the eldest son was not too healthy.

According to Xiao Dezi's description, when the first prince was still in his first month of life, he was not very healthy. It was only after the 100th day that he got a little better, but the Crown Princess usually kept a very close eye on him and never took him outside of Jidetang. The Empress personally made a trip to the East Palace to see her grandson for the first time, but since then word has spread that the Crown Prince's eldest son is weak.

It was said that the Crown Princess was very angry about this. As for how and why she was angry about it, it was not for Xiao Dezi to find out. But Pan'er knew why.

Empress Fu was anxious for a royal grandson to be born in the Eastern Palace in order to secure the Crown Prince's position, while the Crown Princess was anxious to have a son in order to secure her own position.

Now that the legitimate imperial grandson was in poor health, it was tantamount to a discount on what both of them had wanted, and the rumours of the Crown Prince's eldest son's frail health essentially cut down the role of this imperial grandson, so it was no wonder that Empress Fu was disappointed.

In fact, Pan'er sincerely hoped that the eldest son would be in good health, because only then would the Crown Princess be less of a demon to her subordinates. Additionally even if she managed to give birth to a son, neither she nor her son would be used to prop up the prestige of the Crown Princess or the little duke.

Pan'er felt a bit of a headache and decided to stop thinking about it and get some sleep to refresh herself. It was only when Xiang Pu came to report that the Crown Princess had set up a banquet at Jidetang that Pan'er was woken up.

When Pan'er arrived, almost everyone had arrived.

After a while, the Crown Prince and the Crown Princess came out from inside together. Had he met the Grand Duke? She guessed in her heart. As it had been almost a year since they had seen the Prince, the banquet should have been extraordinarily lively today.

In fact, the Prince's usual silent nature had returned and the banquet was quiet. She was referring to the fact that, from what she could see, everyone except Ma Chenghui, who kept her head down, was making eyes at the Prince.

The Crown Princess was an exception, she was not frowning at the Prince, but was busy staring at the concubines below. After being gone for almost a year, today is the first day to return, and the Crown Princess has hosted a banquet with such an obvious gesture of goodwill, so naturally the Crown Prince will stay at Jidetang tonight.

Pan'er thought with a bit of astringency in her heart, and then she thought that she too had been outside for too long.

It didn't matter if she was jealous of the women who were sent up outside, she couldn't be jealous of the women in the East Palace.

Pan'er kept her head down and just ate the food in front of her, thinking about her past life and gradually calming down. So when it was time to retire, she didn't even look at the Prince.

The fact that the prince stayed in the Hall of Virtue and did not leave immediately after the meal was over was an indication of his attitude.

When Pan'er went back, she didn't shout about finding books to read, nor did she say that she had to walk after eating to take her mind off things, but went back and said she was going to rest.

Aunt Qing and Qingdi were still a bit confused, but Aunt Qing and Bai Jue looked like they had a clear view of the situation.

When they had laid Pan'er down, Aunt Qing stayed behind. "I'll watch you for a while, don't think too much, go to bed early." Pan'er was a little lost in laughter, and a little touched, and a little embarrassed, was it that obvious that she was doing that? She closed her eyes and let all her thoughts go, letting herself fall into sleep.

At first she couldn't sleep, she could even hear Auntie Qing breathing and gently fanning her, gradually her thoughts became more and more blurred. She felt herself being pressed down and subconsciously leaned back, but she fell short and woke up instantly.

She felt behind her, empty, and felt the urge to cry. A large palm reached out and embraced her curled up body.

"Why are you so dishonest even when you're sleeping?

[aromanticasterisms]

i am in pain

[bored-storyteller]

@severnrose honey, I shouldn't have preferences but how could I wait to write for you and Xiao?

Dear Xiao, sweet Xiao, thank you for asking, I have good reasons to love you :3

60- Genshin Impact, Xiao x Reader (angst/comfort)

From the prompt list

17- "Am I the reason you cry every night?"

33- "Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?"

For Xiao you are like a little sparrow, so fragile and so free at the same time. He never understood what bad star forced you to meet with him, it was something so unlikely that it might have seemed ironic, but still he never tried to put you in a cage. You didn't deserve it. Sure, you're an absurd being, sometimes annoying, sometimes inconsistent and stupid, but you're also something he never bothered to find, a free kindness and a relief he always knew he didn't deserve.

So he never wanted to condemn you to a relationship with someone like him.

For this reason, when the darkness inside him had become heavier, when he realized he had gone too far, he pushed your worried eyes away from him. It was his job to protect you too, and he hadn't noticed the wound he had inflicted on you.

He is never too kind with words, he doesn't talk much and when he does he is never able to sweeten his sentences. It has always gone well with you.

Yet this time something was different; maybe he had been worse without realizing it, or maybe you were more fragile than usual, but he immediately opened a cruel door in front of you and a wave of awareness hit you. Yes, you were nothing but a burden to him.

Xiao hadn't seen you since that day. Or rather, he had happened to see you around, as always, doing your chores, helping where there was need, but he had no longer had the opportunity to be with you, alone, as you used to do from time to time, maybe in the evening, under the stars.

Initially he hadn't done anything, he hadn't thought of anything either. You were simply too busy, as he was, on the other hand.

But one night, about to give way to the morning, while he was checking his wounds, your sobs had come to him, and so did the next night, and the one after that.

He found himself listening to your silent cry every night, and he watched over you, albeit from a distance. And when he reluctantly had to walk away, he cursed anyone who caused you that unspoken suffering. If only you wanted to tell him he would be ready to protect you, again. But again, you were a fragile, free little bird, and he wasn't enough for you, he wasn't enough to take the pain away from your heart. Someday in the near future that would pass, everything passes for mortals, and maybe he could see you smiling again under the stars. This was what he believed - or hoped for.

But in one of those dark moments, your call rang in his ears and vibrated in his bowels. Wherever he was, he recognized his name spoken by you, in the agony of your nights.

He had joined you immediately, he had immediately appeared there, standing at your bedside.

Your name had escaped his lips perhaps too quickly, and for a few seconds he waited for an answer that never came. In its place, your sobs continued soft and distressed, your body curled up under the pale sheets.

He should have sensed right away, that yours was just a moan in your sleep, but somehow it had been necessary for him to chase the chance to see you again. How long had he not seen you?

Your suffering face made his heart tremble; he would have devoured your nightmares if you asked him.

He again spoke your name, his hand shaking you slightly, trying to tear you out of your dream.

Your reaction had been more violent than he expected and had broken the composure of the Adeptus for a moment, making him move backwards, taken by surprise. However, he thought it was normal, given the sudden awakening.

"Xiao!" His name had been uttered by your voice in amazement, but it was soon abandoned as you took your eyes off his figure "What are you doing here?"

The delicate face of the millennial Yaksha frowned in perplexity. Even now that he was there in front of you, did you persist in hiding your torments from him?

"You called me." His response was swift and straightforward, as always.

"I'm sorry ... I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry." Your apologies were fragile and uncertain.

Xiao let out a slight sigh, while his dark lashes lowered to the precious gold irises.

"Why don't you tell me?" The question he asked you later was unexpected, and for a moment you shivered at the authority of his voice, but he didn't realize "What happened?"

"Nothing." You cut it short and it irritated him. You knew how to be so stubborn when you wanted to.

"I hear your sobs every night."

He didn't want to utter those words as an accusation, maybe he hadn't even done it, but suddenly you stiffened and bowed your head even more, guilty.

"I'm sorry…!" Now your voice was broken and desperate, and a doubt began to creep into Xiao's mind as slimy as a snake.

How long haven't you called him? Why weren't you looking at him? Why weren't you smiling at him anymore?

"Who ... has anyone hurt you?" Now it was he who had lost confidence in his voice.

"Nobody ... really." You had obviously made an effort to stay calm, and somehow reassure him. But even though he didn't really understand human emotions, even though he was a different and detached creature, he could sense you.

"It's me…?" He couldn't explain why, but he felt like he was hurting himself "Am I the reason you cry every night?"

Your silence was a new pain for him. You didn't dare look at him, because it was hard for you to admit how much his distance and his disappointment had upset you.

But behind his sweet stoic face he prayed to have your eyes on him, he prayed for you to remove that horrible, strange feeling that made its way inside him, at least until he was forced to turn his back on you.

Xiao is used to pain and suffering, but that time something had changed. It was something new, something he never wanted to try.

A fist clung to his chest, and he trembled. How long had his hands no longer been shaking?

He thought he was about to give in, he believed that finally his heart would break under the weight of the new, umpteenth, fault of him.

He felt the physical need to vent that sudden wave of suffering that had hit him. He wanted to cry, but Xiao didn't know what it meant to cry, so he didn't, and he just vanished, not even looking at you.

It was the only thing he could do to protect you, right? If he was the cause of your suffering, then he would no longer exist for you. It didn't matter what he did, he didn't even ask himself, he just knew he hurt you. After all, he must already know that this was his destiny.

...

You never called him again, and Xiao never showed up again. Yet, although he endured this condition with the same resignation with which he endured every painful task of him, he realized that the selfish desire he had for you had not ceased. He didn't know how to call it by name, he just knew that it was really selfish, on his part, to expect that a little bird like you at least a little bit remained attached to him.

However, even if you despised him, even if he could no longer hear your voice or your laugh even though you were still breathing, somehow at least he hoped to remain present in your memory.

So every morning a flower was placed on your window sill. He never brought you the same type of flower two consecutive days. He didn't admit it to himself, but he wanted at least in one corner of your mind the whole Liyue to remind you of him. The scent of its flora, its colors and the sweetness of it, he hoped that even if you didn't want those things would make you think of that cruel guardian. Not that Xiao dared compare himself to flowers, no, but certainly those flowers could be compared to you for him.

The Adeptus wasn't good with words, but he was capable of meaningful and powerful gestures - it was something you loved about him.

You didn't need to know that those flowers came from him - even if it was unlikely they were someone else's gifts - and he relied on your kindness to accept them with a smile.

For a while it had worked. Even though he could no longer see you and have you around, that little contact you maintained had given him a sense of peace. In evil it was that little drop of good that gave him the relief he needed.

But he couldn't deserve that either.

One morning, when the first rays of the sun began to paint the earth with the warm colors of dawn, he came to your window. The Glaze Lily he had plucked for you had remained clasped in his hands as his eyes painfully gazed upon the Qingxin he had given you the previous day, left to itself on the windowsill, away from your care.

It was so, even the thought of him you could no longer bear.

The flowers stopped coming and Xiao stopped hoping. He only prayed that Rex Lapis would see your sweetness and cherish it with love, without needing you to endure the protection of a cursed Adeptus.

...

Xiao wanted to see you again, but certainly not right now.

The first thing his mind thought was nothing, then immediately afterwards he wondered which Archon had to thank for not killing you during his battle, and then all that was important was that you were standing in front of him, and looking at him, even if from a distance.

His mask frees his face as soon as his eyes settle on you. How long had he not seen you? For a moment the pain disappears, a wonderful, ephemeral second of peace. And then again the weight of darkness falls upon him.

He should run away, run away from your sight, but like under a spell he is stuck in his place, and you still don't run away.

You are pale and scared, your eyes full of tears. How much have you seen? How long have you been there?

It doesn't matter if the blood that covers him is that of his enemies, of those who want to harm those like you, all that matters is how Xiao now appears before you: a figure disfigured by the red of shattered life, a devouring demon .

He should go, but you call him.

"Xiao ..." His name in your voice is a desperate breath as it is sweet, and you run to meet him in your anguish.

He can't look at you, not when he's like that. He looks at the ground covered in repulsive liquids, without having the courage to meet your judgment. He would have liked to see you again, but now he is ashamed of who he is, he is ashamed of being Alatus, of being the Conqueror of Demons and the Eater of Dreams, he is ashamed of being Xiao before your pure eyes.

Now you are a few steps away, he hears you, but you are afraid to approach. He wonders why you ever even wanted to come close to him again, was it your good heart that pushed you to do it?

"Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?" He did not want to ask that question, yet he posed it in front of you limpid and clear, as his "no" always are.

If he could die he would no longer distress you, nor would he hurt you, nor would he make you cry. If he could die, all aeons of unspoken pain would disappear. If he couldn't exist, everything would be better. But he can't, he has to live.

"If we are such a heavy burden to you why do you continue to protect us?" Yours is not a nasty question asked, it is rather a sweet worry distorted by insecurity.

His golden eyes return to immerse themselves in yours by instinct, without really wanting to.

"It's my duty, it's my ..." Xiao realizes he can't speak "But you're not ..." he tries again, but he can't.

He can't explain that knot blocking his throat and voice, which he can't spit or swallow.

It is my duty, my contract. But you are not a burden, you will never be.

His eyelids drop again and his head bows in chagrin. You are everything in front of him, and he is nothing in front of you.

"Don't look at me ..." is all he can tell you "You don't have to see me like that."

He was convinced that you didn't want to see him anymore, he was convinced that you wanted to forget him, but then why did your trembling hands rest so lovingly on his face?

"You are so beautiful Xiao." Your broken voice was asking him desperately to believe you, and he in front of your face now so close to him has no way to escape.

The misunderstandings between you two, the pain and the fear, no longer mattered.

Your arms gently encircle his chest and your head rests on his shoulder, without asking for permission, but he won't be the one to walk away, not now that he's found you.

"I'll get you dirty." He murmurs.

"It does not matter." You answer him softly.

You have no respect for the ways of the Adepti, but that is precisely why he needs you.

"Please be happy to live, Xiao."

[aresrl]

Emergency Request? If you don't accept any ignore it, please! Don't force yourself to write it, only for my comfort :)

As for the initial ask — headcanons for reader, who's hard work never gets acknowledged, as she's always in the shadows of someone who has the talent for it? For example, the wielding of a bow? She had spend years in working hard to get to the number 1 rank, yet never able to reach it, not because her abilities are not enough, quite the opposite — they're the highest in the region, just society prioritizes natural talent over hard work. Short scenario/headcanon where she finally cracks under the feeling of never beeing enough and always beeing the second choice to EVERYONE. Such as her family, former friends and current acquaintances.

Please include Diluc and if you accept more than one, Venti and Xiao. If its too much, only Diluc :)

Vent in the next paragraph!!!

I'm in a situation familiar to the request. My whole life I never was anyone's number one, but always the second. And people "taking" this spot, always had a natural talent that I didn't, but instead worked years for. Such as synchronizedswimming — my coaches never saw my potential, my hard work and even though, loud the list, I'm the best in the whole team, there always come new girls that have the talent for it and the coaches give them their whole attention, forgetting me. And honestly, even I, a mentally VERY strong person, can't hold it inside themselves for 8 years under the "dramatic, positive swimmer." My old team, all left before and during the quarantine, as did my duett parter of 6 years and she didn't even say goodbye. Like damn, did our partnership really meant nothing to her? To put it simply, I'm just tired of keeping the strong facade facade want to be held someone, anyone, but there's no person I can go to...

That became depressing very quick, I'm sorry if this vent affected your mood and I'm so sorry for beeing selfish to post it publicly, as its really only my problem, but... I don't know. I don't have an excuse.

Have a nice day lovely and know that you're loved :) <3

(Again, ignore if you aren't comfortable with writing this!)

I apologize if it was long! I feel like I've been doing it too slowly. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but for now, I'll only release this with Diluc as I'm afraid I would take too much time to write the others. It's the first time I'm writing in this genre and also the first time I'm receiving an emergency request, so it may be clumsy! Genre: Hurt with comfort Content: Feelings of not being enough, frustration, rejection. Characters: Diluc (Xiao and Venti won't come actually, sorry).

• It's been many years now since you joined the archery association. What motivates you to stay in is your love for this knightly art: you love the fact that it requires peace of body and mind and how it creates new companionship with people sharing this same hobby. • Your love for this made you spend your sweat, all your efforts for years. So much that you became the best of your team, and also, of your region. But not in everyone's eyes. It was the end of the session, you were heading to the room to store your bow. You had a group exercise today, and you were satisfied with what you've done. However, you heard the coach talk to one of the girls that were part of your group: “It's pleasant to work with you because you already got it in you, you know? I feel like our sessions together are easier and run more smoothly.” Does it mean that it's not with me? Because I don't have it in me? Have I been forgotten again...? Once again, you plunged back into these thoughts. The coach knows I'm the best in the ranks. I'm always happy in front of them, and yet, it doesn't satisfy them. Would I be not enough...? You decided to stop thinking about it. You didn't want to feel that again, so in the hope of relaxing and distract yourself, you chose to go home by taking a longer path. Unfortunately, walking was leaving you too alone with your thoughts. I wasn't the one talking with the coach. So it's normal if they give them more attention! But even when I'm here, they're not even glancing at me when complimenting us. I'm tired of lying every time something like this happens. But I know I'm not worth anything! But still-- It seems not enough for people to see that- I'm here... You felt tears coming, so you stopped walking and decided to sit on the ground. It's so frustrating. Tears fall. I can't even complain. Nobody would hear me. But Diluc was near. He was on his way home from Mondstadt. He saw your sitting silhouette while walking and when he recognized you, he headed in your direction. But once he was close enough to hear what sounded like cries, he walked faster, almost ran to reach you. He reached your shoulder from behind with his left hand. He didn't want to hug you yet to not rush things. He kept his hand on you while turning to face you. Your head was facing the ground while you were crying. “D-Diluc...?” you said as you were lifting your head up to check who it was. “You can talk to me if you need to. I'm here for you now.” Is he truly here for me? I don't know. Your confusion frustrated you even more now, leading you to cry louder. Diluc didn't want to stay there with only his hand to comfort you. He hugged you. His right hand was in your hair, and the other caressed your back. His hug is tight. He wants to help you, to stop your cries, to put an end to your current pain. He won't force you to talk if you don't want to, so he remains silent. “People- They won't make me stop thinking I'm not enough. But I work so hard! I know it...” you said, crying in his chest. “They can't see how much effort I put into what I love. I'm not jealous, but- people with natural skills are more praised than people-” Your voice lowered. “Than me...” A little silence passed before Diluc answered. “To be honest, I haven't seen that coming. I assume you've been enduring this for some time.” He paused, his head slackening a bit. “This world is unfair. Things will never go as you wish. People won't always recognize your work as they should. But you're strong. You can already recognize your own, and this should be enough.” He sighs. “I love you, Y/n. When you feel like this, you can think about me. I can assure you that, to me, you are perfect. You don't need to be more.”

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 18, second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff) (Previous Post)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Hey OP where’s the funny header gif for this post? Sorry, it was murdered by an angst demon and the framing of these shots.

My Found Family Came to Find Me

Continuing our flashback from last time, we see Baby Wei Ying up a tree, refusing to come down because he's afraid there are dogs. Eventually he falls out of the tree, like a dumbass a child, and Yanli tries but fails to catch him. 

Unlike his grownup counterpart, Baby Wei Ying doesn't pretend he's unhurt when he is hurt. I'd like to put the change at Yu Ziyuan's door, but actually he admits to being hurt during his Gusu summer - he mimics Lan Zhan's stoicism when they're getting beaten, but it doesn't come naturally to him, and he whines a lot afterwards. 

By the time of the Animatronic Dog incident, however, he's laughing off obvious injuries that have secret trauma behind them. By the time he comes back, coreless, from the burial mounds, he won't confide in anyone about his hurts any more, except possibly Wen Qing.

Yanli carries Wei Ying, in a sequence that will be echoed much later in his life when Lan Zhan carries him (gifset here). While they head back, she tells him that Jiang Cheng has a bad temper and to ignore whatever mean things he says. This will also be echoed in the future, when Wei Wuxian says it to Lan Zhan after their argument with Jiang Cheng in the shrine.

Yanli also explains that Jiang Cheng loved his dogs and that he's been very sad since Jiang Fengmian sent them away, demonstrating once again that Jiang Fengmian is a terrible father. Yanli says that Jiang Cheng will be happy to have a friend with him, though. This kind of makes Wei Wuxian's role in Jiang Cheng's life "replacement dog."

Jiang Cheng, after getting over this particular snit, got worried about Wei Wuxian and woke up Yanli to find him, and then went wandering around in the dark like a dumbass a child, and is banged up and crying when the other two find him. Yanli encourages him to apologize to Wei Wuxian and he does, which will not happen again until the very end of the show.  

They all smile and laugh together, as Wei Ying looks to Yanli to guide him through the insanity that his life has suddenly become. 

(more behind the cut!)

They head back to Lotus Pier in a sweet montage of walking and smiling together, with Jiang Cheng carrying the world's most beautiful candle holder with the world's most wind-resistant candle in it, to light their way back. Back in the present day for a brief moment, Jiang Cheng pretends to sleep and listens to his sister insisting that the three of them should always stay together, while a single tear rolls down the side of his face.

Soup is Love, Chapter 1 of 1000

Then we head to the past again. In Jiang Cheng & Wei Ying's now-shared room, Wei Ying sits on the bed trying to figure out how to deal with his grumpy new roommate.

Wei Ying is unsure what to do when confronted with pajama game this strong. Tiny Jiang Cheng is already a fashion king. 

Then he tells Jiang Cheng he's not going to narc him out to the clan leader, since it was his own fault that he hurt his leg. This is all Jiang Cheng needs to hear to decide Wei Ying is all right, and he says that he will help Wei Ying chase away dogs in the future.  In fact, Wei Wuxian will protect Jiang Cheng from punishment basically forever, while Jiang Cheng will continue to threaten Wei Wuxian with dogs...forever.

They shake hands on their new understanding and then jump up and down laughing, Wei Ying's leg being all better now, apparently.  When Yanli arrives (carrying a tray of...can you guess? I'll let you guess), they stop jumping. Wei Ying dives in to give Jiang Cheng a little tickle/embrace in an adorable moment that would have me saying "oh, my ovaries!" if I hadn't surgically sent my ovaries to hell a few years ago.

Yanli introduces Wei Ying to the emotional and gustatorial miracle that is her lotus and ribs soup. He hesitates a long time before tucking in because he's so unused to being fed.

Consent? I Don’t Even Know Her

The flashback wraps up with Yanli conked out on the table from the drugs in the incense burner, while Wei Wuxian, who is somehow unaffected despite sitting almost as close to the smoke as she was, checks on her. Jiang Cheng and his Uggs period-appropriate sock thingies get out of bed to come stand with Wei Wuxian, and have feelings about sending Yanli away after she JUST said she doesn't want to be parted from them.

Wei Wuxian: If she didn't want us to do this, she shouldn't have signed that blanket consent-to-medical-treatment form.   Jiang Cheng: Wen Qing made me sign one of those plus a durable power of attorney, is that bad?

This episode is all about people overriding each others' agency and making massively important decisions without the consent of the people who will be affected. But in a feudal context, it's not a violation, no matter how it feels to the person being controlled. In feudal life, your body belongs to your lord -- your sect leader, in the world of CQL. Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng's choices are overridden by their clan leader's final command to Wei Wuxian.  Wei Wuxian's core is arguably Jiang Fengmian's property--Wei Wuxian certainly sees it that way, just as his hand was Yu Ziyuan's to take if she wished.  

The brothers tenderly tuck Yanli into bed in the rolly cart and hand her off to Song Lan. They talk about how important it is to get her to Lanling and that she's probably going to be mad, as they thank Song Lan for helping them. 

Yanli listens while she sleeps and, in what is becoming a trademark Jiang move, lets a single tear roll down the side of her face. Jiang Cheng points out that Yanli never gets mad at Wei Wuxian and Wei Wuxian is like, true dat.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

Song Lan is always so emotional about every damn thing, I love him. Here he's like OH GOD NO DON'T FORMALLY THANK ME! STOP!!!

Then he starts to ask Wei Wuxian to pass a message to Song Xingchen for him, but then decides not to say anything, making it super obvious that they fought and aren't together. 

Wei Wuxian reacts to this with confusion and distress, probably because he doesn't want to imagine ever having a breakup with his own soulmate. Which he soon will be having.  But possibly he's just upset that his OTP broke up.

After Song Lan takes off, Jiang Cheng gives Wen Qing a rude & perfunctory thank-you bow, turning away before she can return it. Wei Wuxian tells her not to take it to heart - basically everyone who deals with Jiang Cheng gets a version of the "ignore what he says" speech. She says she understands and that in his place she would have behaved worse, which is so totally not true.  

Then she asks Wei Wuxian if he's sure about the core transfer (not in so many words, because the script is being kind of being vague about it, without actually hiding what's happening). His reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.

Then he and Jiang Cheng walk off, with Jiang Cheng giving us a rear view that had me googling Wang Zhuocheng's fashion shoots to determine if that wagon he's draggin’ is really as delightful as this belt makes it look. Alas, there is not a wealth of photographic evidence for this research, as compared to, for example, photos of Xiao Zhan's outstanding ass.

Wen Qing and Wen Ning see them off, with Wen Qing wishing they valued their lives more. Although, what she and Wen Ning are doing is massive treason, so their lives will be pretty much forfeit if they're caught, so...

The Sunshot Campaign of Like 60 Dudes

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng walk up the mountain for the whole beginning of the Sunshot campaign, which...okay. Maybe it's like Dunkirk or The Witcher where they intercut stuff that is happening in different timeframes, which is one of my least favorite new film style thingies.

You know, for a guy Wei Wuxian constantly calls "peacock," Jin Ziyuan really doesn't wear a lot of adornment; just some subtle metalwork on his belt with no dangly bits at all, and a single reasonably-sized hair crown. Compared to the extremely fancy Lan Wangji he's almost plain. We already know that Wei Wuxian is a massive hypocrite when it comes to his idea of a perfect boy, however.

So, this is the Lanling Jin army, which consists of literally 60 guys, including the ones on the stairs and Jin Zixuan and Douchebag Dad. How are they going to fight a war with this tiny group? Why do they have such a big plaza? Hasn't anybody on this production learned CGI cloning?

That’s better.

Nie Mingjue and his best bitch Baxia make quick work of the 4 Wen guys who were assigned to hold the Unclean Realm. 

Hello, Daddy Da-Ge!

Squeeee, it's Lan Wangji! He's taking back Cloud Recesses! Ooooohhh we've missed you Lan Wangji.

Look guys he's here! Look how beautiful he is. He's looking at the gate of cloud recesses and thinking thoughts that Lan Xichen or Wei Wuxian could probably see in his bewitching eyes if they were here to see him, which they aren't. But at least he is here!

....and now he's gone again. *cries*

Hares On The Mountains

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian continue roaming prettily around this pretty mountainside. The locations in this show are such eye candy. 

Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  If I was a young lass I’d soon go a hunting

Jiang Cheng starts to have doubts about the whole Baoshan Sanren thing. Wei Wuxian's reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.  

Then we have just the tenderest blindfolding scene, (more gifs here), which is fodder for your ChengXian dreams, if you have those.

Here's a good place for a sidebar about what is and isn't incest. Whee! In the CDrama context, relationships tend to be more clearly defined than in western media. The mechanism of confession & acceptance means that people either are or are not in a romantic relationship, with few grey areas. So a character can literally say "we grew up as brother and sister, but now we are dating" and when someone looks startled they just say "there's no blood relation" and everyone is like "cool cool" and that's the new definition of the relationship.

For a strong example of this, the extremely wonderful Go Ahead is about a contemporary family in which a girl and two boys, who are not blood relatives, are all raised together, and call each other brother and sister. When they become adults, they and everyone around them expect the girl (now a woman) to marry one of the two men who have been her brothers, while whichever one she doesn't choose will carry on as her sibling. It's treated as the most natural, logical thing in the world; the only question is whether she wants to make that transition, and with whom.

Looked at through this lens, Wei Wuxian's relationships with his adoptive siblings have just as much potential to turn into romances as his relationships with his friends do, and there's nothing creepy about it. As such you can expect my meta to always get into ChengXian moments without treating it as a wrong or forbidden love. Hopeless, of course, because Jiang Cheng is such a prick the power of WangXian is stronger, but that's a different matter.

What is wrong is wearing this fantastic hat & veil combination when the most fashionable person on the mountain is blindfolded and can't see it.

In the course of this blindfolded encounter with Wen Qing, Jiang Cheng gets to kneel before a powerful woman, be led along by a length of silk that's placed in his hand, and then knocked the fuck out and operated on. He'll wake up in a hotel room in a tub full of ice with "we took your kidney" written on the mirror in lipstick, and he'll love every minute of it.  

Soundtrack: 1. Still Fighting it, by Ben Folds 2. Hares on the Mountain, by Steeleye Span

Writing Prompt: The NEXT time somebody blindfolds Jiang Cheng

[nutty1005]

Uniquely Him – Xiao Zhan: The biggest monster to defeat is himself

Translator’s Note: This article comes from ELLE Magazine 2019 Jan Issue.

He learned drawing since elementary school, drawing planets and monsters were his obsession, firmly believing in the existence of aliens. As a lively, vivid and exemplary person, he radiates a sense of security from someone dependable, and yet he has a worldly wisdom of one who knows the ways of the world but prefers not to practice it. 

He learned drawing since young, drawing planets and monsters were his obsession. When he watched Martians in movies as a child, his wild imagination gave him a battle with monsters. At that time, he was a boy who was especially fascinated with space, and believed firmly that aliens existed. When he saw news on UFOs, he was excited, curious, but also afraid – would the aliens be friendly with us?

After he read “The Three-Body Problem”, this feeling grew stronger. While exclaiming the broadness of the author’s imagination and how grand the universe is, he researched on the theories and explanations in the novel, as well as on astronomy. Xiao Zhan also imagined how the subjects in “The Three-Body Problem” would look like, “looks like an engineer, perhaps he wears spectacles, he must have a highly progressed mind, great mechanical skills, but probably useless in everyday life, just like Sheldon in ‘The Big Bang Theory’.”

The cruel logic behind all the glitz

Seated in front of the window in the hotel room, his long narrow eyes, puffy and red, Xiao Zhan just finished a day’s filming, and was accepting our interview in a layer of thick winter coat. His attitude was polite, and all around him was the vividness of youth – this made a huge impression.

He had his own studio when he was in year 2 of university, and became a designer after graduating – exemplary student Xiao Zhan’s most glorious moment was being able to design logos in projects with his seniors while he was still an intern, and the client eventually chose his design. Life as a designer lasted until 2015 – his university teacher recommended him to participate in “X-Fire” (TN: A talent search variety show) and he debuted, and since then, his life went onto a different track, becoming one of the hottest idols currently.

Actually, the challenge of becoming an artist is not much different from fighting monsters – since you receive flowers and applause, you would also receive gossip and rumors. His life had been smooth sailing till this, and this confused him for a while, “When the competition ended, there was some dissenting voices, I didn’t quite understand then. Now I’m more at peace, because when you choose a career, you need to learn to accept it. People will like you, and there will be people who won’t.”

However, the cruel logic behind all the glitz was something he could not have imagined. “Audiences do not see what you’ve experienced along the way, they would only judge you based on the final results.” He was filming his first period movie, being outdoors in the mountains at -10°C+ was a daily norm, “We’re filming by the river, everyday we could see the ice slowly form up, today the river is totally frozen, we could walk on it. Basically after every scene I have to cover my face with a warm water bag, otherwise my face would be numb from the cold and become uncontrollable.” And because today there was a scene to scream and shout, Xiao Zhan’s voice was already hoarse.

Xiao Zhan could overcome all this suffering and exhaustion well, the biggest monster he wanted to fight were his self imposed restrictions. “Just now I was thinking while doing make-up, that actually celebrities are like a product, packaged by make-up and styles in order to polish this product. I will bring forth my best to my audiences, but yet I don’t want to over package myself, the real me needs to be in it. I wish that everyone, while accepting my glorious exterior as a celebrity, would also accept my flaws and quirks, since after all, I am a vivid person.”

This sincerity and clarity is where Xiao Zhan’s wisdom lies.

“There is no grandiose in my life”

2018 is the year of rapid growth for Xiao Zhan, he had main roles in various dramas, such as “The Wolf”, “Joy of Life”, “The Untamed”, etc – honing his acting and radiating his presence.

As the lead actor in “The Untamed”, Xiao Zhan’s load was heavy and his filming schedule was tight – filming under the ceaseless summer heat in Hengdian, his mind was always tense. The temperatures in the set was as high as 50°C, the make-up could not stay on, and he filmed most scenes barefaced. The most unforgettable scene was a crying scene – Wei Wuxian, portrayed by Xiao Zhan, had an explosive emotional scene after the massacre of the Jiang family. This scene started filming in the morning, he and Jiang Yanli started crying since 7 a.m. and after they were done, their eyes were as swollen as that of goldfishes. Before this, he was filming “The Wolf” – he systematically took performance classes and grew rapidly in during the filming. “Familiar set and environment, learning to adjust to the nerves and tension, especially since there were hundreds of people servicing you on set, you can do no mistakes.” Xiao Zhan radiates this sense of security from someone dependable. “The Wolf” was his first time as a main supporting role, and he was under tremendous pressure during that period, he often dreamed of acting on set. After every scene he would request for everyone to provide feedback, and then he would learn continuously, analyze and quickly adjust.

After that he had his first cat of his life, a munchkin named Jianguo (TN: Jianguo means nut). After the performance teacher learned about this, one of the homework he gave Xiao Zhan was for him to observe his cat. As a cat-lover, he reveled in the it, “I found out some things that I overlooked, like you will find out that when she’s angry, affectionate or hungry her expression and calls are different.” Xiao Zhan was exceptionally loving to his cat – the first thing he did when after a day’s work was to go home and play with his cat. His private life was quiet and simple, he just stays at home. “The feeling of staying at home is like falling into a cloud, you could roll around as you like, there is no pressure.”

“There is no grandiose in my life.” This was what he felt that gave people the sense of security. His parents, while supportive of his career, were also worried, hence Xiao Zhan often communicated with them, sharing his career successes, helping them be at ease.

In the whole conversation, Xiao Zhan had the purity and enthusiasm belonging uniquely to a youth, and there was this sense of extraordinary realness in him. “Whether or not I want to be an idol, I don’t actually have a choice, the label of an idol is already on me, just that I want to slowly shed off the label of an idol, and become an actor accepted by audiences, so that they can see more of my inner self.”

“I especially dislike public proclamations, you have to pace your life.”

ELLE: What type of boyfriend do you think you are? XZ: I am the boyfriend who is more considerate of the other person, if there were to be my other half in the future, when she’s busy, upset or happy, or wants me to do something, I’ll try to accompany her the way she likes it.

ELLE: Are you the gentle puppy type of boyfriend? XZ: There’s definitely a dominating side, but if you were to be dominating everyday, how do you live? When you have the other half, the most important things are responsibility and trust. (After having a cat, do you think you’re a good dad?) I feel yes, from taking care of my cat.

ELLE: What type of girls do you most want to date? XZ: In many interviews before I spoke about warm, gentle and family-loving girls, but I feel that it still comes down to chemistry, and this is something unpredictable.

ELLE: If you are currently dating a girl, how would you hope to spend Valentine’s Day? XZ: Stay at home, and cook together. There’s a phrase about when you love the right person, every day’s Valentine’s Day, why do you have to spend that day in the crowd with everyone. Being an artist is quite particular, and quite tiring, I have to go back to live my life. If everyday has to be vigorous and stirring, there’s no way to live. No one can act everyday, I especially dislike public proclamations, I feel that you have to pace your life.

ELLE: If we give you a holiday now, what would you do? XZ: Go home and rest, with my parents, and then play with my cat.

ELLE: Are you a typical Libra? XZ: I don’t think so, I don’t have difficulties in choosing, when I spot something I want to buy, I’ll just buy. But sometimes I’ll be stuck in things that I care about, for example the scene I did today, if I’m not satisfied with it, I will think about it from morning till night, and annoy the others around me with my nagging.

[the-untamed-obsession]

Despair | XueXiao x Reader

I know. But don’t worry, it’s just angst. Pure angst. I’m sorry if it seems like a little bit of a mess, it’s 4:30am and I’m really tired but I really needed/wanted to finish this. Happy reading💖

WARNING: mentions of severe depression and suicidal thoughts!

Word count: 1.8k

Summary: After their deaths, you’re expected to continue on living. But how can you? You’re so alone now, all alone with your thoughts of despair.

Your eyes scanned the road where many people walked, busy with their daily lives. You watched as couples passed by, then children, then adults, then people who were by themselves, and so on.

Your emotionless face didn’t change as a little girl ran towards you and stopped. She stared at you for a moment, but you looked away giving her no reaction. She took the hint and ran off, but she reminded you of her.

A-Qing.

You shook your head and kept looking ahead, your eyes following each person that passed by. But none of it brought you any solace. It only worsened the ache in your heart. How were you supposed to continue like this? How were you supposed to stay strong? How were you supposed to move through life like this?

You were miserable. The world was so bland and tasteless. The colors were gone, the life was gone, everything that made your day worth living every single day was gone. Just like that, in the blink of an eye, everything had been taken from you.

What could you have done? A lot, actually. There was a lot you could’ve done, but you were just too naive. Things had been great, things had been so perfect… then HE came along. He ruined everything, he took away your happy little family.

What could you do now? Mourn. But it wasn’t enough. Every day was harder to deal with. Every day seemed like a hassle. Everyday was just another miserable reason to join them.

Even now, a full year later, you would still imagine looking up to see them walking towards you. Every time you’d hear your voice, your hope would spike and you’d feel like you’d see them laughing at you. Laughing the way you used to.

But you knew that was all a delusion. There was nothing to fix the void in your heart. There was nothing that could take the pain away. There was nothing that could fix you.

Your eyes fell to the cup in front of you. Your fingers reached around it and picked it up; you saw the liquid swirl inside. It was tea, you’d lost your taste for alcohol a while ago.

Not that it mattered, anything you ate or drank tasted like sand. Whether it was a delicious meal or the best alcohol around. It was all the same to you.

Sweets were also something you avoided. Especially the one Xingchen bought you. You remembered the days where you woke up and found a piece of candy beside you. You’d remember the smile on Xue Yang’s face every time you gave him some. You’d remember the pout on A-Qing’s face when you’d tease her about eating too many.

All of those were just memories. Annoying little memories that never went away. How could you enjoy them, anyway? Everything that brought you joy, was taken away from you.

Your hand touched your chest as the tears pooled in your eyes. Why? Why Xingchen? Why A-Qing? Why… why Xue Yang? He had changed his life around, he’d promised he would bring him back… he never got the chance.

You smiled as you finally saw your home in the distance. It wasn’t the prettiest, but you loved it. You lived there with the people you considered your family.

Xiao Xingchen, Xue Yang, and A-Qing. All three of them meant so much to you. You weren’t even sure when you began to fall in love with Xingchen and Xue Yang, but you didn’t hate it. Neither did they.

Nothing really changed between you three. There was a day where you three sat down and talked about your relationship. It was pleasant to admit your true feelings.

From that day forward, you three had been in a relationship. A-Qing caught it rather quickly, claiming even though she was blind she could practically smell the romance.

She treated you 3 like her family as well. Everything had been so perfect.

You walked in and saw a crying Xue Yang with no Xingchen or A-Qing. You were concerned, terrified even.

“Wh-what happened?” You asked, grabbing his arm. He was a mess, a sobbing mess with a pouch in his hands. “Xue Yang… Xue Yang!”

“(Y-Y/n)...” he murmured, tears steaming down his face.

“Where are they?” You asked, taking his shoulders. “Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY?!” You knew. You just knew.

Xue Yang moved aside and you looked behind him and felt your heart shatter. It almost felt like your heart stopped. In fact, it would’ve been better if it did.

You saw Xingchen laying there, still as a statue. You saw the large slit on his throat and your hand flew to your mouth. Your knees buckled and you fell to the ground, but almost immediately shot up and ran to the man in white.

“XINGCHEN!!” The scream that tore from your lips broke Xue Yang further than he’d already done so himself.

You fell to the ground beside Xingchen and reached out with shaky hands.

“Xi-Xingchen! W-wake up… pl-please. D-don’t le-leave me! Say something! Say s-something Xingchen!”

Xue Yang watched in horror as the words Xingchen cried out, you were crying out now. Your hands were hitting Xingchen’s chest in an attempt to wake him, but it wasn’t possible.

“XIAO XINGCHEN!!! WAKE UP!!!”

You felt arms around you and tried to shove them off, but they were firm.

“I’ll bring him back! I swear!” Xue Yang cried out, wanting any way to soothe your pain. “I swear! I promise you, I’ll bring him back!!”

You had believed him, knowing that he truly meant it. Xue Yang- whatever he’d done- had regretted it and wanted to make it better. He kept you in the dark with most things, but you accepted it, now only having him. Not like it was much different. Unlike Xingchen, you never knew of Xue Yang, so you couldn’t earn him or protect him.

In one day, everything had changed. Your family had been torn apart and you were too terrified to lose the last person you cared so deeply for.

So you believed him and went along with it. You didn’t stay with him, but he visited you every single night. He brought you candy- none of which you ate- and he often brought you food.

One day, Xue Yang didn’t return. You felt immense fear immediately and went out searching for him. You’d heard word that someone- matching Xiao Xingchen‘s description- was seen near Yi city.

Back home?

It didn’t matter. You went back in search of both of them, hoping to find either Xingchen or Xue Yang.

You found Xue Yang.

Dead on the ground, missing one arm, but a piece of candy in the other. It had happened all over again. You’d lost whatever was left of your family.

“Xue Yang? H-hey… Xue Yang…” you said, falling beside him. “Th-this isn’t f-funny. St-stop! Your jokes aren’t funny! Wake up! Wake up right now!” Tears streamed down your face and you let out a pained scream, one that echoed all around you.

You pulled Xue Yang into your arms, unable to handle what had just happened. His blood stained your clothes but you didn’t care.

When did this happen? Who killed him? Where were they? Would you be able to catch them? What would you do when you did catch them? Would you kill them too?

So many questions bombarded your mind but you had no answers. All you could do was pull Xue Yang all the way back to where Xingchen was and put him in a coffin beside him.

A-Qing was still missing. No matter what, you’d find her. You’d find her and keep her safe.

You poor fool.

If only you’d known. Only a few weeks after, you’d found out that A-Qing had become a ghost who begged other cultivators to ward them off. She even searched for someone to help kill Xue Yang, the cause of it all.

Learning the truth didn’t help anything. You’d learned everything overtime, piecing together some of your own thoughts.

Song Lan had appeared one day, he fought Xue Yang who cut out his tongue and turned him into a fierce corpse. A-Qing had seen it all and told Xiao Xingchen, who told her to run and hide.

Xingchen confronted Xue Yang, who lost it and taunted Xingchen with the one thing he couldn’t handle. Killing his own best friend, one who he’d given his own eyes to. Xingchen had taken his own sword and ended his life. You’d come home the next day.

Useless. You were so useless! You did nothing to save anyone! You couldn’t save Xue Yang, you couldn’t save A-Qing! You could save Xingchen! What good were you?

For someone who claimed family was so important, you sure as hell let your own down.

Ever since then, you’d been wandering the world. You didn’t know what to do. Would you go looking for Song Lan and kill him for ruining everything? Would you kill Wei Ying for daring to come back to life when no one you cared about could? What could you do?

Nothing.

As usual, you weren’t able to do anything. All you were good for was crying and regretting every life choice.

What would they want? What would they want you to do? Xingchen would probably want you to move on or something. A-Qing would probably suggest marrying some rich clan leader or something. Xue Yang might suggest you get revenge.

But you were tired. You were so tired and your mind kept replaying scenarios where your life would've been different. You kept wishing and begging for the universe to give you another chance but it never did.

Every day you woke up realizing your mistakes. Your inability to help anyone, your inability to do anything. Your mind replayed one thing and one thing only:

“Useless (y/n)...” you murmured as you took a sip of the tasteless tea. A tear slid down your cheek and you watched it hit the table below. It was soon followed by dozens more.

Even now, you couldn’t let go. You couldn’t move on. What was the point anyway? They’d all still be dead.

One thing you often wondered about was joining them. You tried. You tried living on your own. You tried for a whole year to continue without them, but it was so hard. It was almost as difficult as bringing them back to life.

But before you ended your time on this miserable planet… you needed two things.

Xingchen’s sword, Shuanghua, and his spirit pouch.

You glared up at the bright blue sky that taunted you, vowing to get both of them from Song Lan. There was nothing else left in the world for you… but those two things… you so desperately needed them.

[amethystroselilith]

Intertwined Fates - Chapter 6

Can be read in ao3 here

Uni is killing me bruh T^T

SUMMARY: “Just know that whatever decision you’ll make, I’ll accept it.”

Beeping noises surround him again, that familiar smell of medicine fills his sense of smell.

He opened his eyes…

A pair of shocked golden eyes met his own, a smile forming on the person’s lips as the figure ran to him with happiness, he reminds Zhongli of a happy kitten.

He blinks…

Another pair of wide golden eyes met him, the person was accompanied by a woman with purple twintails, looking at him with her sympathetic eyes as she holds on to the blonde with long braids.

He blinks again…

This time his heart stopped, it was the blonde woman who had been haunting his dreams. Her teary eyes looking at him with emotions Zhongli couldn’t quite tell. His hands weakly tried to reach out to her.

She broke down, and that’s when Zhongli realised they weren’t alone, a flash of orange was the last thing he saw before tiredness hit him again.

~~~

Ajax sighed as he gently laid Lumine down the sofa. She had fallen asleep crying again and he doesn’t really know how to handle the situation himself.

It was two days ago that everything changed.

Him and Lumine fooling around as they wait for Qiqi, and the next thing he knew, his supposedly dead best friend came through the bakery’s door.

Everything was fast when they all met eyes. Zhongli clutched his head in pain before dropping to the floor which scared Qiqi to the point of crying.

Ajax was the one who snapped out of it when Qiqi was tugging on his clothes with her arms up. Lumine was frozen on her spot, trembling in shock. He immediately called for emergency, pushing aside his own flurry of emotions for Qiqi and Lumine.

He couldn’t keep up though, by the time help came and took care of Zhongli and Lumine, Ajax immediately called for Aether and Xiao.

It was when they all arrived at the hospital when Ajax could finally breathe, Qiqi was taken by her Aunt Keqing, Aether and Xiao started bombarding him with questions, but all they got was an exhausted man passing out in their arms.

It was when Ajax woke up again that he managed to explain what happened, Xiao and Aether had done their own digging and contacted Granny Shan. They managed to conclude what had happened to Zhongli for the past few years; Zhongli had been alive and was in a coma being taken care of by Granny Shan.

Xiao is overjoyed, he had been by his brother’s side ever since their reunion, only going out to buy food for everyone.

Aether, while being happy that Zhongli is alive, can’t help but worry how it will affect his sister and their family. Lumine is already a mess and he knows Ajax isn’t doing that well either. Keqing is trying her best to help, giving Aether all the support she could give.

Ajax took a deep breath before sitting down beside Lumine’s sleeping form. He rubbed his face in frustration, trying to control the overwhelming feeling of vomiting as he assessed their situation.

His phone began ringing before he could dwell on it more.

‘Aether’, the contact name displayed.

“Hey, Aeth?” Ajax greeted, tiredness in his voice.

“Papa?”

Ajax perked up at the little girl’s voice, clearing his throat to disguise the exhaustion from his voice, “Qiqi? What’s wrong, princess?”

“When are you and Mama coming home? Qiqi misses you.”

The sadness in her voice broke her heart.

“Mama and Papa are just taking care of something, okay? We’ll be home soon, don’t worry.” Ajax weakly laughed, “Isn’t sleeping over at Uncle Aether and Aunt Keqing fun? I heard your Aunt Xiangling joined too.”

“Yeah, Auntie Xiangling and Guoba came over. We baked a lot of sweets.”

“Yeah? What did you make?”

“We made lots of cupcakes, and cookies, and cakes. Qiqi also made Guoba a big cake, he ate it in one big bite, Papa!”

The giggle in her voice brought a smile to Ajax’s face, “It must be delicious then? Since my little Qiqi did it.”

As Qiqi talks about what she did, Ajax can’t help but feel slightly better.

However, as the call ends, a heavy realisation hits him.

Now that Zhongli is back in their lives, where does he stand in theirs?

A bitter chuckle escapes him as he leaned back and stared at the unconscious man in the hospital bed.

Looks like he’s going back to being alone, staring longingly at the family he wished he has.

“Was that Qiqi?” a timid voice made him jump.

“Yeah, she says she misses us and bribed us cupcakes if we can go back home as soon as possible.”

He received a quiet chuckle, “I wonder where she learned that from…”

Ajax laughed lightly as well.

There was a quiet moment that passed by.

“How are you feeling?” Ajax asked.

Lumine hummed, “I still can’t believe it...”

“Well, he’s right there, in the flesh.” Ajax joked, slight bitterness laced in his voice.

“Yeah… he is.” was the only response he got.

Silence filled them again, and Ajax had another urge to vomit due to his anxiousness.

He wants to know what Lumine is thinking, how Lumine is feeling, what Lumine will do.

If he still has a place in her heart.

He was about to ask, but soft snores from beside him caught his attention.

His insecurities began taunting him again. Mocking him as flashbacks of him watching his best friend get married to the girl he couldn’t reach resurface again.

He guessed Lumine and him are just never meant to be together.

Ajax wanted to curse the gods who gave them this fate.

The thoughts are getting louder and louder.

His face began to pale, sweat beads began to form as he slowly loses to the overwhelming feeling of the future he had been dreaming of, slowly burn and fade away.

And then silence.

He looked at Lumine sleeping form, her hand softly clutching his pants.

Ajax smiled softly, before intertwining his fingers with hers.

~~~

It was the next day when Zhongli finally had enough energy to stay awake.

Xiao was holding his hand, asleep beside him, only to be woken up by Zhongli getting startled by him.

It was a funny sight, they startled each other awake. They stared at each other for a whole minute before they burst out laughing.

He’s Zhongli’s brother, his little brother that he raised, of course, it wouldn’t take long for him to remember those golden cat-like eyes.

Xiao couldn’t help but ask him questions about what he could remember, and Zhongli had told him what he could. It was only then that Xiao realised he should tell everyone.

Aether was the first one to show up, bringing in food with him as well as his girlfriend. It took Zhongli a few pictures to remind him who he was, but once it triggered his memory, information about Aether started flowing easily in his brain.

He felt embarrassed when he can’t remember Keqing, but Aether explained they never met before and Zhongli felt at ease knowing that.

The room was filled with catching up conversation, a doctor coming in to check on Zhongli and happily announced that Zhongli’s showing much more improvement than they expected.

His last visitors finally arrived.

Zhongli can’t help but got his breath taken away when the blonde goddess that had been haunting his dreams finally walked through the door.

“Lumine…” her name unconsciously escaped his lips.

As if her name was the answer to it all, memories of her and their lives flash before him.

“Z-Zhongli…” she shakily called back, before her feet moved on their own.

Zhongli felt his heart burst when he wrapped his arms around her.

How he had longed to feel her warmth.

They held each other for a long time, they had forgotten about everyone else in the room.

Only being pulled back to reality when they heard a click of the door closing.

“Ajax.” Zhongli smiled at him.

The man smiled back, “Glad to see you alive, Zhongli.”

There was tension in the air that only Zhongli is oblivious to.

“Uhm, Aeth, I think we should go ahead and buy those medications Zhongli needs,” Keqing said wanting to leave the room as she felt like she’s intruding on someone’s privacy.

“Ah… yes, of course.” Aether cleared his throat as he grabbed Keqing’s hand, “You guys go ahead and… talk…” he excused himself to the door, giving Ajax a sympathetic smile.

“I… should also talk to the doctor about how long Zhongli will have to stay here.” Xiao excused himself, surprising Ajax when he hugged him, “I hope you’re alright.” he whispered before leaving the three alone in the room.

“Lumine, my love…” Zhongli smiled as he raised her chin to meet his before sealing their lips together.

Lumine tensed, but Zhongli couldn’t notice it, so lost to the feeling of remembering how much he missed kissing her.

Ajax turned away, pretending to be busy with fixing whatever he could find to distract himself from the sharp stab in his heart.

When Zhongli pulled away, he noticed the shock on Lumine’s face, he frowned, “I apologise… I couldn’t help myself, I should’ve considered how you would’ve felt kissing a man you haven’t seen in years.” he teased lightly.

Lumine laughed it off, watching Ajax from the corner of her eyes.

She and Ajax didn’t talk about what to do yet, yesterday they decided to visit Qiqi. It was difficult trying to pretend that everything’s fine in front of Qiqi. Thankfully the child didn’t notice how her Papa isn’t holding and kissing her Mama as much, nor did she notice how her Mama isn’t talking about how pretty Qiqi will be in her dress during the wedding.

They slept over Aether’s house.

Lumine and Qiqi staying over at the guest’s room while Ajax helped himself in Aether’s fully stocked bar before passing out on the sofa nearby.

The whole car ride wasn’t easy either as the two stayed silent, not quite sure how to approach the subject as well.

“Ajax, I heard about your work, I knew you’d reach high places.” Zhongli chuckled as he recalled what Xiao told him earlier.

Ajax smiled and talked as if nothing’s wrong, as if watching his beloved wrapped around someone’s arms isn’t hurting him.

Lumine isn’t feeling any better, on one hand, she’s still Zhongli’s wife in the brunette’s eyes, and there is still a part of Lumine that missed being wrapped around him, but on the other hand, she had already built something with Ajax, and not being able to support him right now is killing her.

But she couldn’t do anything, as much as she wants to, her feelings are confused as well, her head is filled with emotions that are making her sick that she spent her morning leaning against a toilet, even the smell of food is making her sick.

So now she just stayed there, trying the best she could to join in the conversation when Zhongli asks her some questions.

~~~

“I don’t see why I couldn’t go home with Lumine?” Zhongli frowned as Xiao informed him of their arrangement.

The doctors had given Zhongli the clearance to go home, the brunette is elated with the news, he can finally go home.

However, there seemed to be an uneasiness surrounding the room after the doctor left and Xiao explaining they will be staying together.

“The doctor said I would have a better recovery when I’m with my family, right?” Zhongli asked confused.

“It’s just…” Xiao trailed off, not sure how to explain to his brother about Lumine’s current life.

No one was able to explain it, Zhongli was too happy to be reunited with his wife.

“Your old home was sold,” Ajax said after no one is saying anything.

It stunned Zhongli, “Oh… Where have you been staying?” he asked Lumine who shifted uncomfortably.

“With me,” Ajax answered again.

Zhongli smiled, “Then I’m glad you didn’t have problems with that, I was worried I left you in a bad place. Thank you, Ajax, for watching over her. I hope we can stay there until we can find our own home then?”

Now everyone is uncomfortable, Keqing whispering to Aether to do something, Aether trying to do so, Xiao trying to come up with an excuse, Lumine was looking at Ajax and he knows what it means.

However, he also knows that Lumine isn’t ready, hell Zhongli probably isn’t ready to find out that his best friend is in an intimate relationship with his wife.

“Text Xiangling to clean the place, remove any pictures of us together and bring Qiqi to her place for now,” Ajax whispered.

Lumine nodded before fishing her phone.

“I don’t mind. It should give us time to talk about things.”

The other three people were stunned, Xiao protesting, “I think Zhongli should take a rest first, don’t you think so?”

Aether nodded, “It may be a bit overwhelming for him.”

Zhongli sighed, “I appreciate that you worry about me, but I would really like nothing than to go home with my wife.” the tone in his voice put an end to the discussion.

~~~

“Are you sure about this, Ajax?” Aether asked while they’re waiting outside of the room, “I kinda agree with Xiao that it’s a bit early.

“Lumine was about to blurt out our relationship earlier.” Ajax sighed, “We can at least talk about it at our place, Xiangling should be able to clean up all pictures of Lumine and me being together, and Qiqi will stay with her while we figure something out.”

“But can Zhongli handle it?” the blonde asked.

“The more we wait the more things will be difficult for us. Lumine’s already getting sick from anxiousness. I myself just want this to get it over with.” Ajax murmured the last part.

Aether eyes softened, “I’m really sorry that you guys are in this situation. I can’t imagine the pain you guys are going to but if you need to ransack my mini-bar, I’ll have it stocked up for you.” he tried to brighten up the mood.

“I’ll hold you to that, comrade.” Ajax chuckled, accepting the hug Aether gave him before he was left with a wish of luck and a pat at the back.

Another pair of arms were wrapped around him, “I’m scared.” she said quietly.

Ajax took a deep breath before hugging her close, “Just know that whatever decision you’ll make, I’ll accept it.”

Lumine looked up at him, “I don’t want to make such decision.” a tear rolled down her face, “I couldn’t.”

Ajax smiled sadly, wiping a tear from her cheeks, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and nothing will ever change that. Even if you have to leave me, I’ll treasure all the memories we made.”

He leaned closer until their lips sealed.

It felt like a goodbye kiss.

Lumine didn’t like it.

~~~

The ride home was quiet, Zhongli was at the back with Lumine while Ajax drives. The two tries to keep up with Zhongli’s questions about what happened. Thankfully, they are more about the places he used to know instead of about their lives.

When they reached the door, something was terribly wrong, Ajax senses.

It started when he saw a rather familiar car in their driveway, and when they reached the door, there wasn’t silence at the other side of it.

He cursed.

“Is something wrong?” Zhongli asked.

“Uhm, I just forgot I haven’t done groceries and maybe we should eat out-” before Ajax could finish his excuse, the door flew wide open.

“Mama, Papa, you’re finally home! Qiqi missed you!”

[flipomatic]

Range of Emotion: Chapter 1 - Worry and Joy

Summary: Penny never thought she could feel such a wide range of emotions, but that was before she met Ruby Rose.

Author Note: I’ve wanted to write this ship for a long time, but never did. Penny is really hard to write. This fic will have 3 chapters.

_______________________________________________________

As Penny rebooted, with her eyes still clasped shut, her first reaction was to panic. She had just been fighting with Pyrrha, with her metal wires being pushed back and around her. If she didn’t stop them, something terrible would happen.

Or, as she was starting to realize, had already happened. Penny couldn’t hear the roar of the crowd, and she was laying down in a completely different position. A quick diagnostic told her that her swords were safely stowed inside her back, though it showed other strange anomalies. Today’s date was no longer the same. The metal must’ve cut her clean in half, since she seemed to be completely rebuilt. Her limbs were longer, and her code had been updated. She was wired directly into the mainframe, which could only mean one thing.

Penny’s eyes popped open, taking in the room around her. It was a familiar place, her father’s workshop. He sat nearby, typing rapidly at a computer. He glanced her way, perking up with a smile when their eyes met.

“How do you feel?” Her father asked, leaving the computer to approach where she was lying. He was in his usual mechanical chair.

Penny referenced the diagnostic she had run to respond. “Bodily functions are all rebooted.” She said, sitting up and placing her feet on the ground. They clanged loudly against it; it was going to take a while to get used to having longer legs.

Her father nodded, still smiling “I’m glad to hear it.” That smile quickly faded to an expression Penny couldn’t parse. “What do you remember?” He asked in a much softer tone.

He must’ve been trying to be sensitive. “I was fighting Pyrrha, and then nothing.” Penny glanced around again, her processor whirring as it searched for other information. Her father looked sad now, like he could cry. “What happened?”

He sighed, a sound Penny knew was associated with disappointment. “Not long after you were defeated, Beacon was attacked by the Grimm.”

Penny’s eyes widened and she inhaled sharply. She felt like her chest, which normally functioned just fine, had seized up. “Are my friends injured?” She used the word friends, but there was only one name flashing loud and clear through her mind. Ruby, what had happened to Ruby? It wasn’t that she didn’t care about the others, because she did, but Ruby was a true friend.

Her palms felt strangely warm.

Her father shook his head with a frown. “A few of them are.” The feeling in Penny’s chest tightened. “Ms. Nikos, didn’t make it.” Oh no, an image of Pyrrha right before the fight flashed across Penny’s eyes. She’d been so strong, Penny couldn’t imagine someone defeating her. “Ms. Xiao Long was seriously hurt. Other than that, I’m not sure. I haven’t heard much from Beacon since the attack. I was only able to recover your core because it was on Amity Arena.”

“I.. I see.” Penny muttered, directing her eyes down towards the floor. It was awful to hear about Pyrrha, but somehow felt worse to have no news about Ruby.

“General Ironwood should know more, you can ask him when you see him.” Her father offered, which loosened that awful tight feeling.

“I certainly will.” Penny looked back up, offering her father a half smile. Her new face felt more flexible than the old one had, moving easily to the expression.

Her father backed up a little, giving her room to stand. “You might notice some changes with the new body.” He changed the subject with a wink.

“It is taller than I’m used to.” Penny admitted, taking the chance to stand up. She was able to balance on her feet, though her center of gravity felt higher than it had been before. She started calculating the best way to walk in this new form, how to best angle her steps.

“It’s not just the height.” Her father replied, pulling up a diagram of her body on the computer and turning the screen so she could see it. “It’s connected better with your emotions now, with stronger physiological responses. Have you noticed?”

Oh, so that feeling, that pain in her chest, that was from an emotion? She hadn’t thought emotions could hurt like that; they never had before. “I think so.” She took a calculated step forward, to look more closely at the diagram.

“We’ll run more tests to make sure it’s working properly.” Her father zoomed in on one of the hands, looking closely at the image.

They talked a bit longer about the upgrades to the body, with Penny looking at her new form in the mirror, before she went to rest in her room. Though she’d been gone for a while, everything was the same as she had left it.

She wasn’t the same though. Going to Beacon, making friends, being destroyed and rebuilt, had all changed her.

Penny sat down on her bed, the emotion from earlier coming back in full force now that she was alone. She hoped nothing bad had happened to Ruby. Ruby was a strong girl, Penny thought, reviewing a memory of Ruby spinning her scythe, she had to be fine.

Even that thought wasn’t of comfort though. Penny realized that this was worry, this nagging tension that she couldn’t shake. Was this how people felt all the time?

She wished it would stop. She wished to know that Ruby was safe.

Later, she would find out from the General that Ruby had been unharmed in the attack. That helped, but she wasn’t able to completely shake the feeling.

________________________________________________________

As the protector of Mantle, Penny had grown accustomed to flying out, fighting the Grimm, and then returning back to base to report. Most of the time she worked alone, since she could move faster that way. If she got there quickly, less people would be hurt by the Grimm. She didn’t mind working by herself.

That’s why it was unusual to see other huntsmen fighting the Grimm. Penny had been deployed as usual, to fight Grimm close to where her father’s workshop was. When she had almost reached her destination, she saw a large number of huntsmen already fighting them. Her father was there with them, she could detect his electronic chair. The group had some familiar color schemes, but she would wait to process them until after the threat was defeated.

Penny aimed her laser beams carefully to take out the last few Grimm, stopping them from reaching the huntsmen. A moment later she had flown over the group, and carefully landed in the middle of the road.

When her father said to say hello to her friends, Penny finally looked their way. The instant she did, she wished she’d identified them from the sky.

Penny’s eyes went wide and she couldn’t help but grin. Her cheeks almost hurt from the expression, which they shouldn’t have been able to do, but she couldn’t stop it. Her whole body felt light, like she could fly without her thrusters.

Right in the center, standing in the middle of the road, was Ruby. Her red cloak was tattered, and she was wearing a different outfit, but Penny would recognize her no matter what she wore.

Ruby, her best friend Ruby, who she hadn’t seen since before the fall of Beacon, who was looking back at her with a slowly growing smile. There were others there too, acquaintances from Beacon, but Penny couldn’t even see them.

Penny felt like she could explode, like her whole body could just combust right then and there. Even if she did, it wouldn’t matter. Ruby was there, in one piece, with her glimmering silver eyes. In Penny’s chest, where her heart would’ve been if she’d had one, where tight worry had haunted her, now there was only smooth warmth.

Just walking over to Ruby, which was the normal accepted way to approach someone, wouldn’t be enough. No, Penny couldn’t stand being this far away for even another second. She was bursting with energy; there was only one way to do this.

She knelt down in order to get a running start, and then took off dashing towards Ruby. Once she had enough momentum, she kicked her rocket boosters into effect to go even faster. Penny rushed past the others with her arms outstretched, with only one target in her sights.

Ruby looked slightly panicked about Penny’s method of approach, but she still outstretched her arms to receive her.

As Penny crashed into her, she still had no doubt that this was the best method to reconnect. Knocking Ruby to the ground, briefly having her arms around her, was a bonus.

They quickly got to their feet. Penny smiled as she added words to her greeting and as her father reintroduced her, before chatting about her upgrades and new job. It was hard to believe that Ruby was actually here, after all this time.

They had so much to catch up about, Penny wanted to start immediately. She stepped closer to Ruby, leaning forward to grab her arms and tell her. She had so many questions, so many things she wanted to know. Even when the alarm blared in the city, calling Penny to another district, that didn’t dampen her mood.

Penny kept talking as she took off, flying towards the sound of the alarm.

Even having to wait to catch up couldn’t stifle the joy she felt at seeing her friend once again.

Later, after the whole group talked with General Ironwood, Penny would lead them to their dorms.

Team RWBY had quickly claimed bunks, each member relieved to rest. Ruby had settled up on the top bunk, leaving her scythe against the wall with the other weapons. Penny stood below, looking up at her. The room was silent, with Yang already asleep in the bunk below.

Ruby was looking down at her, a look in her eyes that Penny couldn’t read. For a minute, Penny just returned that gaze. She wondered if Ruby would invite her up to talk.

Then she realized, oh, maybe she was intruding.

Penny glanced between the bunks, reprocessing what was happening. She had been excited about catching up with Ruby, but the whole team seemed to be tired. She could wait again.

This time, her warmth was diminished by the delay. Penny ducked her head slightly as she turned away from the bunks, taking a step towards the door.

“Penny.” Ruby’s voice, quiet and uncertain, stopped her.

Penny looked back over her shoulder, at Ruby’s half outstretched hand. “Yes?”

Ruby pulled her hand back, sliding off the side of her bunk with her feet barely making a sound as they hit the floor. She stepped towards Penny. “Let’s catch up.” They left the room together.

Penny didn’t have a heart, but if she did it would be soaring.

Next Chapter

[scriptaed]

Ink Nemesis Finale

Genre: Angst/Fluff || paparazzi!au; fake dating!au;

Pairing: Reader x Yoongi

Length: 9.1k;

Synopsis: As an aspiring writer drowning under the public’s radar, a click of the pen is all you need to accept your supervisor’s offer to co-write an article for the SS - Secrets Spilled, a regular section of your company’s weekly tabloid; but fabricated stories and invasive details aren’t all that you write when you discover Min Yoongi’s dirty little secret. 

A/N: First off, I want to thank everyone who read/reads this series. This may not be my most “popular” work, but it’s one that I will always be proud of. If it weren’t for you guys who always encouraged me to write whatever I wanted to write, I would most certainly not be here writing today. A whole two years since I started this series and there are still some of you patiently waiting for an update. I’m floored. This message and this finale are all that I can give you but I hope you know your care for me as a human and not a robot who happens to write means more to me than words can express. Whenever I feel myself straying from my real reasons for writing, I will recall this fic and all the messages of support you guys sent me... and for those who have no idea what I’m saying: the feelings the mc goes through in this fic is a reflection of my own. Words were my only way of spilling my heart when I went through a hard time last year, so this series is my form of an open book that explains why I took a break. If you still have no idea what I’m saying: enjoy the finale! c:

 Life has its own twisted ways with irony. One minute, allies would swear allegiance to your fickle heart; and in another minute, you would be trembling in horror, for your arch nemesis had infiltrated your walls under their own wicked disguise. For better or for worse, the most betraying and hard-hitting realization dawns upon you one storm too late… maybe, and just perhaps maybe, friends and foes are merely two sides of the same coin, plotting and pulling the strings behind the scenes that would prove to be your final downfall; and if there’s anything you’ve despised the most in life, it would be the eerily identical lessons both your greatest allies and enemies have incessantly and irrevocably ingrained within you.

One, time can heal even the deepest of wounds and the nastiest of scars. 

...but they don’t know the depth and length of which your gaping wounds run. Enemies don’t know the scars that transcend through time and the way it lurks at every corner and creeps into your veins, until the time when you finally notice is one epiphany too late and the trauma has already rooted itself into your daily life for perpetuity. No one but you can really gauge how long it would take for you to recover from your falls—or if you ever would, that is. Because right now, sitting here with a flesh wound in a gaping heart, you could only attest to this: pain ages like fine wine.

Two, people can recognize their mistakes and change for the better. 

…or at least that’s what optimists like to tell themselves; but the reality is, in your cold albeit truthful experience, people can only change to an extent. You were still bitter, you were still self-serving, you were still every bit of that wicked woman whom had spoiled your relationships and woken you with cold sweat in the middle of your nightmares-come-reality. Surely, the woman had been forcefully tranquilized under your hands, but her tracks remain like crimson stains on the purest of snowfalls. You can feel it every so often. From time to time, you can feel her peeping one of those bewitched, scarlet eyes of hers, threatening to awaken if it weren’t for your honed abilities to quell the scorching fire. She remains in you, an innate and inevitable part of you, but your chains around her neck keep her tethered and you from another episode. 

So how exactly, you would like to inquire from both friends and foes, have you changed? 

Evidently not much—that, you can answer, for your days of woe remain painfully prevalent even as you sit here, one year into a nightmare that you just can’t seem to awake from, mulling over how differently things would have played out between you and him, wondering what he was doing and what he had immersed himself into this time around, and pondering for days over whether he ever sat down in a chair and stared off into the distance as you do now, wondering over you? 

Because you can still see the glaring television screen reflecting off your bloodshot, strained eyes in the midst of the pitch black bedroom, even as your head rolls back onto the chair and your stare meets the grotesque white-blue lights lining the office ceiling. You can still feel your heart wince—once at the sight of him and twice at the mention of his name. His cold hands that once brushed against yours and the serenity of his dark eyes that once gazed into your soul still manage to warm you, even from this distance, even after all this time. His absence is like a gaping wound, looming over you like vengeful apparitions that taunt you throughout the day. The ache in your chest is sheer proof of the truth you’ve always denied but can’t seem to let go. 

Recently, you’ve found yourself dubious over the disguise of your next enemy. The twisting pain you had once suffered had long submerged into a pool of longing, a bittersweet melody that has you reminiscing over the past that you could never relive. He made you face your deepest fears. He was the aftermath of your own reflection, a living proof that you could survive the hellish consequences that came with the search and capture of success. He assumed the guardian he wished he could have had during his own struggles, shielding you from paths that would lead to dead ends amidst the forks in the road. His curt methods were burdensome and grueling to your heart, but in retrospect and even during that moment in time, something in you knew he meant well. He always did. 

Because even through all the struggle he had put you through, be it unwanted fame, attention, and self-reflection, you could only remember the magical days when sparks flew between you two and your heart raced itself into trouble as you swore to yourself he was the one. Because even now, you still long for his touch, for his voice, for anything that could convey to you that he was still here.

Even if he isn’t.

In the mean time, Solji has been the sole remaining connection you’ve had to the outside world. Only a week had passed after your downfall, when you were so sure no one would return and no one cared enough for your wellbeing, when your self-proclaimed friends proved to be merely colleagues by obligation and your short-lived rocky friendship with Xiao Lin became one beyond salvation, when your heart crushed and your soul shattered in the silence of the one whomst should have been the one brewing the loudest storms, the one you had once declared your lover, Solji was the one to demolish the locks to your gates, even as you so incessantly refused to comply. 

Weeks into the aftermath, Solji brought you food and water, but most crucially, a shoulder to cry on. You had initially denied her aiding hand out of utter shame. Who were you to ask for help from the very person whose trust you had broken? Who were you, after pointing an accusing finger at for betraying your trust, to accept her help? Solji was the last person you should have questioned. Moreover, she never should have been in the list in the first place and her unconditional loyalty, even as you lifelessly watched her clean your room as you lay in your stench of a bed, was clear proof to that attestment—and that glaring truth only humiliates you further. 

It took weeks, nearly two months, for you to willingly begin recuperation. The process was slow and damn difficult. Your motivation was lacking, because at that point you figured what was the point when everyone hated you including yourself? But the one person who held the last glimmer of hope in a time when you could no longer see the end of the tunnel was Solji. 

Day by day, you found one more reason to get up in the morning. Week by week, you found yourself longing for self-indulgence, whether it be channeled through food or hobbies. It took well over two months for the time to arrive when you finally find yourself seated at your desk, staring at your favorite fountain pen and piles of paper that you recognize the reflection in the mirror. 

A writer—your identity, your passion, your reason for being. 

But even if you longed for the day when you could write to your heart’s desire, when you relish in the strikes and crosses and strokes of the pen scraping with certainty and conviction against the paper, and when you could heave a sigh of content at the universe you created in the palms of your head after hours upon hours of concentration whilst in an unbreakable zone, you could no longer relive those days without the clouds that loomed over your conscience. 

Guilt—writing was your ally turned foe, what had once been your media for self expression had manifested into a ruthless weapon for retaliation against those who wronged you. 

Fear—writing brought you the highest joys, but the thought of having to relive the experience of its loss once again freezes your soul. 

Shame—writing was your knife, words were your blades, and before you knew it, you were the villain of your greatest tales, sneering in satisfaction at your beloved’s blood that stains your hands and salivating wickedly at the gaping hole left in his heart as he gazes at you in utter betrayal under the hands of his own love. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to write anymore. 

You just couldn’t write anymore.

Solji had suggested fleeing the barred prison that was your apartment, where every corner laid a fragment of a cherished memory that only furthered your pain, and taking refuge elsewhere. As expected in hindsight and surprisingly in your previously hazed mindset, Solji’s advice was just one more step toward recovery. Nine months away from home were enough for your getaway where you would no longer clutch your chest at every reminder and thought of the incident. Nine months away were enough for you to finally reflect on your mistakes head on. Nine months were enough for you to lock yourself in your apartment and dive head-first into your long-lived passion for the remainder of the year.

...but even after all the trials and tribulations, nine months weren’t enough to forget him.

Drowned by your recollection of the whirlwind that was last year, your mind finally shrieks for help as you rise to the water’s surface only to find yourself twirling around and around in a dizzying cycle. The cold white lights of the office was blinding, freezing even. The soul of every living being in the room must have been drained to power these accursed lights, you surmise so surely, willing to bet your life on it… not that it’s exactly a bad thing. 

For one, at least you could revel in the fact that you were no longer subject to the torture that your fake colleagues are at the moment. And for another, said colleagues had left you unscathed as you had ventured into the depths of the building. Maybe they had forgotten you. Maybe they never really cared for you unless they could instigate some reaction from you that they once so cruelly found amusement in. Or maybe you just didn’t give enough of a damn anymore to care what they thought—that… that brings a smile to your face. 

Just one more fucking sign of liberation. 

Heels come tapping against the floor and you whip upright to face your beloved friend. You hadn’t seen Solji in over a month since you had last locked yourself in your room in the name of literature. Blood rushes from your head under the hands of gravity and a sense of queasy twirls descend into your stomach. 

“Oh, Y/N, you’re here,” Solji coos, smiling as she spins you around on her chair, “how are you doing? And yes, I already know your answer after all these years of witnessing your bad writing habits, but I’m still going to ask out of courtesy. Are you eating well? Sleeping enough?”

“Well, as you know, I’m somewhat sleep deprived, somewhat self-gratified, not nearly satisfied, but…  at the very least I’m alive, even if my eyes burn and my lips chap,” you pause after the two of you share a short-lived laugh, eyes sinking to the floor before you muster the courage to point a thumb over your shoulder and at the computer screen behind you, “so, um, what’s this about?”

An uncomfortable silence stills the air when Solji arches a brow only to let in an inaudible gasp as she peers at the computer screen behind you.  

“Oh, Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to find out like this. I called you over to tell you properly, but I guess you beat me to the chase,” Solji prims lopsidedly. 

Her hesitation to proceed manifests in the hitch of her intaking breaths, probably mulling over her next words as she observes every emotion that flickers across your face—a tinge of betrayal, mostly disappointment, perhaps even a bit belligerent, but most of all, hopeful. A puff of air leaves her when she notices the light at the end of your tunnel vision eyes, eyes widening as she crosses her chest. That being said, it still amuses you how often she’d tip-toe around the incident last year, for fear of catalyzing another mental breakdown. 

“You see, after seeing how much... negativity the SS brought you last year… and after realizing how far this site has strayed from my initial intentions of supporting an upcoming boy group and how it’s turned into this monster of a toxic tabloid, just hunting down these poor boys like they’re animals at a zoo, I made the final decision to close it down.”

After you had treated Yoongi like an animal for your own gain—the thought still stings you with guilt. Solji had advised you that time would heal the pain just a month in the aftermath of the storm, but now that you’re finally here, one year later, you find yourself caged in the eye of the storm. 

“Oh, no. It’s toxic, no doubt about that,” you nod absentmindedly just as you’ve always done, disregarding the split second of a wince. Numbness has been the only effective coping mechanism since he left. “It was a good decision.”

This is your fault. Solji’s first piece of work, first treasures she had the gratification of grooming and growing into prized jewels envied by all, like the children that were your every written work, now put to eternal slumber because of your mishandled outbreak. 

“This decision was inevitable, Y/N,” she speaks softly but firmly, reminding you like she has dozens of times in the past year, “the SS is innately toxic and I’m going to put an end to it. It’s not your fault. Remember that, Y/N.”

Blinking blankly at her, you take a deep breath and sigh heavily—but the weights on your shoulder remain ever the more prevalent. “It’s hard to tell myself that when the person I need to hear it from the most despises my guts, but yeah, I’ll try.”

“Don’t say that…” Solji murmurs, swiftly striding forward to take your hands into her own soft ones. Squatting down, she meets you at eye-level. “Has—” she hesitates in the midst of her tracks “—he, not contacted you at all?” 

She avoids his name at all costs but that only makes you more aware of the pain that gnaws at your chest.

“Who? Oh, Yoongi? No, he’s probably too busy doing what celebrities do, you know? TV appearances, award ceremonies, and all that... ” you feign nonchalance that elicits a look of concern from your motherly friend. Shaking your head, you shrug; but just as quickly as your shoulders rise, your shoulders descend, seemingly monumentally heavier, as dejection dawns upon every inch of you. A familiar feeling of despair returns and all purpose to compose yourself leaks from the fading smile stitched to your lips… because what’s the point of pretending anymore? Swallowing the smidge of pride you had left, you let your eyes fall to the floor just as your spirit has. Your words come out meekly—you’re not even sure if you were speaking, for all you could sense is the slight slur of your tongue and tips of your grazing lips. “No… he hasn’t, no.” 

“He hasn’t called you since he left? Or even texted you?” 

Her voice crescendos under the hands of her wrath; but to you, her anger is an afterthought, a shadow to her deduction, because hearing her put your worst realizations into words, as if forcing you to acknowledge the harsh reality, hurts you the most. You don’t want to give up. It’s foolish. You don’t even deserve this privilege. But still. You don’t want to let go. 

After all, despite all the harassment and bombardment from feverish fans and news outlets, isn’t that the reason why you begrudgingly kept your phone number? Foolishly and helplessly waiting for his and his name to light up your screen someday? 

Clutching your phone tightly in your grips until it turns a numbish white, it takes all the strength in you to shake your head, “no, I haven’t heard anything from him since.”

You knew this would happen. What else did you deserve after betraying him. He already had trouble expressing himself outside the music realm; and yet, after he had so faithfully entrusted you with his secrets and vulnerability, you reminded him of all the reasons why he had hid from the world in the first place. This is what you deserve: radio silence.

But you just don’t think you can voice it out to Solji. 

Not without cracking your voice and tumbling into an unstable mess, that is. 

Observing your slow descent, Solji hastily squeezes your hand with a voice that rings of the only cheer you’ve heard in months. “Hey, what about that message we worked on putting together?”

“I don’t know,” you mutter. “I’m too scared to check.”

“...Y/N, I’m sure he’ll come around,” she finally manages to say after a long pause. 

The more she says that, the harder it becomes to believe. At this point, you find no resolve to refute her utterly gullible implications. Pressing your lips into a thin line and routinely nodding your head, you look off into the distance beside you, waiting uncomfortably for her to untether you from her vigilance. As a seasoned professional around you, your lack of eye contact speaks volumes to her and the looming clouds seemingly spread its wings onto your friend. How cruel is it that happiness is limited, yet guilt seems to be boundless? You know you’re being a drag to your friend, so why does she even bother? It only makes you guiltier. 

Her smile, on the other hand, has other plans, as it shoos the gray shadows away and out of her cubicle just as her hand on your shoulder brings light to your vision—and suddenly, as you peer up to find those vibrant, orange locks and cheek-raised smile of hers, it’s almost as if someone had swapped your icy cold, blue filters for a warmer, more welcoming gold. It’s relieving, really, to have someone there for you unconditionally. 

“And if he doesn’t, then I guess it’s his loss and my gain. I get to have you all to myself!” she chimes likened to a kid with her favorite toy, and before you know it, she has you by the hands and pulls you to your feet as wind is knocked from your lungs. “C’mon, let’s go get something from your favorite coffee shop down the street, yeah?”

Your mind runs blank for a second but your lips return her smile, as if by second nature. 

“...yeah,” you hum as she guides you through the labyrinth of cubicles and a gust of wind refreshes your hazy state. 

The familiar irking honks and running engines blast you back into reality, a reality in which you had once lived on the daily just a year ago. Writing was your hobby, your everything, and yet, it crippled you, pained you, betrayed you. Sometimes the things you hold closest are the most dangerous of all and you learned that the hard way; but as Solji squeezes your hand and tosses her head back to check that you were in fact still present and somewhat well, her hair twirling in the wind and her eyes forming crescents, your heart welcomes you home once again. If holding her close would endanger you to further heartbreak down the road, you know she’s worth every ache. 

“Hey, Solji?”

“Hm?” she twirls around once you two reach the crosswalk and await for the green light. After noticing the glimmer in your softened eyes that watch her with utter admiration, she shudders with a scoff. “What now? You want me to pay for you drink, too?”

“No,” you pout, hooking your arms to her own crossed ones and swaying her side to side. “I just wanted to thank you.” 

“What is this about?” you can feel her cringing through her titters. “Why are you suddenly acting like this? I thought you were still in the dumps!” 

“I am! But not as much now that you’re with me,” you coo, clearly amused enough by her reaction that you almost convince yourself to rub a cheek against her face; but instead, you choose to cradle your head into the crook of her neck. 

“You silly girl,” she scolds, slapping the top of your head before settling into a soothing pat. “I’ll always be there for you.”

“Really?” you lift your head like a pleasantly surprised child and she frowns amusedly at the smile on your face. “You promise?”

“Promise? I need to promise you?” she gapes, baffled enough to slap you once again on the head. “Who else stayed by your side even after you abandoned them? Huh? I don’t see anyone! Tell me where—”

“—oh, there is one!” you exclaim and Solji whips her neck only to find you pointing at her right between her eyes. “She’s right here!” 

Your usual antics elicits a groan and a roll of the eyes from her. The lights turn green and you nearly trip over your feet trying to catch up to her sudden acceleration as she attempts to flee your side, ironically contrary to her latest proclamations. “Well,” she scolds lightly akin to a lecturing friend who worries over you like a mother, striding confidently and pridefully through the streets with your arms hooked around hers, “as long as you know who’s really there for you and who’s not.”

“I know, I know,” your remarks exude of sheer blissful gratitude as you lay your head against her shoulders and smile giddily to yourself. “Looove you, mom.”

“Ugh,” she scrunches her shoulders, “please don’t do that ever again.”

Hands buried in your pocket and bare face exposed to the cold winds of winter, the thumps of your fuzzied heart is enough for you to acknowledge that you are alive. 

“Do what?” you quip. “Love you?”

Arm in arm with the widest smile that stretches from ear to ear, you swear your heart has at long last awakened once again; for at this very moment, you can finally feel. 

“Stop!” 

Perhaps you aren’t completely well. 

But you are alive and you know you still will be far down the road.

And for now? 

That’s more than enough.

-

The stirring of the alcohol settles in the back of your throat, your mind still slightly hazed as your friend plops you onto the couch and you could do nothing but flash a goofy grin at her frown.

“Soljiii, let’s get another drink,” you drawl. “You promised we would go bar hopping!” 

“Yes, you somehow convinced stupid me into taking you to a bar instead of a cafe, we bought you one drink, and now we hopped back to your apartment! See? Bar hopping,” she perks both hands up like a bunny, laughing at the scowl on your face. “You’re finally starting to feel better. I don’t want you to drink too much too soon. Ease your way back into it, alright?”

“I-I’m not even,” you pause because what exactly were you trying to say again—oh, right, “I’m not even that tipsy.”

Your friend narrows her eyes at you as she gathers her purse and coat. “...uhuh, well I prepped a bottle of water for you in the kitchen just in case. I’m almost late for my meeting, so I gotta go now. Call me if you need anything!” she shuffles to your door, throwing one last glance over her shoulder before departing. “And don’t go out on your own until you feel better, okay?” 

“Psh—” the door slams “—what am I? A baby?”  

Perhaps it’s the alcohol that runs through your veins or perhaps it’s the adrenaline after the first girl’s night out in a year, but nothing in you agrees to being locked within the confines of your cramped apartment. You need to distract yourself from wallowing in the dark, especially in your apartment, otherwise you’d face an all-too-predictable spiral into an abyss of self-pity. Jumping to your feet and stumbling toward the door, you hum a familiar tune that soothes the heart which aches in the wake of a high stuck in the deafening silence. You haven’t been able to pinpoint the origins of the tune that had pulled you through the sleepless nights and nightmarish days, but as you draw the door closed until just a crack between your doorframe and its lock remains, just enough for you to peak through at the disarranged sheets of your bed, and just long enough for you to gaze longingly at the two figures that lay in your bed eye-to-eye and arm-in-arm in a comfortable silence, an answer arrives and your heart is left with an unsettling stir.

The melancholic stain remains deeply rooted in tonight’s atmosphere and its intention to stay cements throughout the torturously lengthy night. You don’t realize it until you enter your elevator and press for the first floor that you notice the wall you had braced your heart with at every corner of your life. At some point in the last year, you had subconsciously defended yourself from the doleful memories that would reign your next few weeping nights. 

Because as you stand here in the elevator, eyes stuck to the closed gray doors and thoughts feigned to be preoccupied elsewhere, it’s impossible not to notice the couple that had once stood by you. With your hands tangled in his hair and his arms wrapped over your waist, pushing you against the wall before pressing for the doors to close and returning his hands to slide to the small of your back, you can still feel his thumbs rubbing circles into your hips. The electricity that sparked like fire between his lips and yours, the hastiness of his every touch that begged for the privacy of your room, and the worrying ache over spotting the daughter of a CEO that was drowned out by the waves of yearning and buried into the back of your mind like an extended dynamite persists to haunt you to this day. 

Because as you make your way out of the apartment and down the streets of the neighborhood, the gray hues of a sky shrouded by gloomy clouds on a winter evening seeps into the backdrop, fading into nonexistence just as quickly as speckles of sapphire blue bedazzled by gleaming stars paint night as day. There, just a block down from your apartment, the steps of your foot patter against the sidewalk, slowly and reluctantly, as if to prolong a moment beyond time’s capabilities. Your surroundings whirl around you in a blur and before you could desperately grasp for a break, you’re brought back into a fragment in time when he had taken initiative and held your hands in his for the first time, intertwining your fingers and guiding you home. Silently under the starry night, he declared his love for you. Electrified by the spur of the magical moment, you had confessed your greatest epiphany of falling in love. 

Because as you pass by your neighborhood and night returns to day, you can’t help but stare through the windows of a closed restaurant where Yoongi had once taken you on that one revisited night. You can still remember how he had insisted on taking you out, despite its risks and the potential dent in his career that you had ultimately caused in the end. You can recall staring at his hands on the table and hesitating to touch them but remaining curious nonetheless. There, next to that specific table in the corner of the store, he had lowered his walls and entrusted you with his heart. Music was his passion just as ink was your companion, but on that one fateful night, he was willing to share his greatest friend likened to handing the ultimate weapon to who would turn out to be his greatest foe—you. 

It seems as though the omnipotent universe finds amusement in your pain, for every corner down the street, you find it screaming at you to remember… to reminisce… to wallow in the pain that incessantly evolves and somehow paves its way into existence once again, just as you had nearly ridden yourself of the parasite. 

“Hey, isn’t that Y/N?”

You’re snapped back into reality when you hear someone whispering about. 

“Y/N, who?”

“You know,” a pair of girls point at you with masks over their lips, joining a frenzied crowd down the street, “the girl who dated Yoongi right before news broke out over him and that CEO’s daughter!”

The girl’s next reply is like a punch to the gut, “they broke up though, right?”

“Oh,” her friend scoffs, hooking an arm over the other and pulling her toward the havoc that was the crowd, “definitely.”

Right, you recall to yourself as you pull the neckline of your sweater over your nose, this was why you never walked outside anymore. The spotlight Yoongi’s fame had put on you never seemed to fade after all these months. You aren’t exactly surprised, though; because as a black car pulls up the sidewalk and the crowd descends into chaos, time slows, air stills, and you’re warped back in another episode of deja vu. Watching people scream by the grand entry of the boys, standing afar off to the side of the mayhem with a garment to conceal your identity, it’s almost as if you’re just another character in a tape put on replay. 

Not all fans are what they claim to be. 

They don’t care for your well-being. They only care if your actions served them under the right conditions set by their own selfish demands.

One day, you could be their whole world. 

Another day, you could be no one. 

His fans are no exception, a fact all too evident as you stare off into the distance where people collided and thrashed violently against one another all in hopes of screaming incomprehensible strings of words at the glamorous idols that suffered from the chaos that ensues. Cameras flashing, questions flying, and microphones shoved into their personal space, the scene is all too familiar to the night when you first met Yoongi and the news of your dating scandal shook the entire universe. 

“Whoa!” a girl yelps and you whip your head up only to find yourself collapsing onto the floor. Wind knocks out of your lungs and you heave for air, wincing at the stinging pain that vibrates from your bottom up. The girl, standing above you, spits, “hey, can you stand here in the middle of everything? You’re blocking our way.”

“Are you kidding me? You’re—”

“—oh, it’s you,” the girl gasps and a group of surrounding girls turn to stare at you in bewilderment. “Why are you here? Didn’t Yoongi dump your ass years ago? Or are you here to beg for him back?” 

“Wha—

—it’s okay, take a deep breath, you tell yourself even as you can feel yourself gradually descending into relapse. The darkness that settles into your grim composure and the bitterness that looms over you escapes your grasp as the enemy in you broke free. You have to control yourself. You can’t cause a commotion after all the trouble you’ve brought to Yoongi. The media had seemed to have finally forgotten his scandal between you and him, despite the numerous times his agency refuted the claims. How much unwanted attention would your presence here divert from what truly matters: his music? 

You’re ashamed of your actions. You’re ashamed of your feelings. Really, you’re ashamed of you.

Head hanging low and teeth gritting tight, you keep your glare to the ground and out of sight. The girls only snicker at you as others looked back with pity written over their faces before turning their backs on you once again and actively choosing to ignore the situation. One breath in, one breath out. It’s almost as if you have to remind yourself the simplest things, otherwise you’d freeze in motion and cause unnecessary attention.

But is it too late?

A series of gasps ripple throughout the crowd just as you dust the rubble off your hands. A hushed silence befalls your surroundings, as if by the crafts of magic. A familiar pace of footsteps echo in your riveting heart. 

One step. Thump. Don’t walk toward me. 

Hesitantly lifting your inspecting eyes form the red scratches against your palm, your heart stills by the boy who makes his way toward you. 

Another step. Thump. Don’t save me. 

Akin to flowers that bloom along a wizard’s path, the crowd parts amidst the silence as he walks with confident, swift strides, head down, and eyes locked on you. The power of his gaze is enough to fade the stinging pain and your liberated heart feels as light as the clouds of which your mind remains hazed by. No one mattered at this point, for tunnel vision had overtaken the both of you and everyone except you and him was but a blur. 

One final step. Thump. I don’t deserve to be saved. 

And it’s at this moment that an epiphany dawns upon you. You still long for his enigmatic mien, a stark contrast to his delicate touch and his gentle words that he had so curtly and unabashedly spoken with truth. He had always known what was best for you, for he, too, had undergone the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs. You always knew that, even if you denied his help and went through the effort to voice your refusal in an attempt to aggravate the man. And despite all your tantrums and flails and screams, he remains here, patient and forgiving and understanding, waiting for the day you realize he was indeed nothing but a loyal friend betrothed to your heart. 

Because here you are, wounded and tossed aside. Having hurt and been hurt, this was nothing but fair play. You deserve this… but justice isn’t a matter of concern to him. You were his utmost concern. You hurt him, more so than anyone else in this crowd, but the look in those ocean-like eyes that painted more words than those who would simply undermine it as apathetic told you his love is unconditional. 

You were ashamed of yourself. 

He should have been ashamed of you. 

Yet here he is, holding his hand out for you and you only; and before you know it, you’re grasping onto the light at the end of the tunnel. 

“Y/N, are you—”

“—sorry,” you blurt, yanking your hand back and hastily turning around. Shuffling forward, the ruckus that ensues behind you drowns underwater. You’re not even sure if Yoongi hears you mumble, “I have to go.”

“Y/N! Wait, Y/N!” you hear Yoongi call out several times but your feet remain persistent on its trek elsewhere, that is, until your heart melts at the familiar touch of a cold hand that clutches your wrist. Freezing in your tracks, you gulp. He pants in between his words, “Y/N, where are you going?” 

“What are you doing?” you ask with your back on him. 

“Following my heart,” he answers plainly. “What else have I ever done—”

“—I mean,” you cut, biting your bottom lip, “I mean, why are you here? Why did you do that in front of all your fans? What’re they going to say?” 

“They can say whatever they want.”

Shutting your eyes, you take a shaky breath in and retract your hands from his, though not too roughly as to retain your frail heartstrings. “I don’t know why you’re acting like this.” 

“You know damn well why,” he deadpans. “Y/N, please, at least look at me.” 

You can hear the hissing crowd encroaching from afar. 

“I don’t want to—”

“—I’ve missed you damn it.”

You wish he wouldn’t say that, it only makes it harder on you.

“Well,” you muster the courage to utter, even if your heart shatters as you do so, “I don’t.” 

Every step forward plucks at your strings. Every distance furthered between you and him subtracted from the ticking bomb within you. It’s only a matter of time until you could no longer uphold your lie. So you make a run for it. 

Forward, you chant to yourself, keep running until he’s forced to give up and return to the world where he truly belongs… and that’s exactly what you do. You run and you run and eventually you find yourself falling into yet another inevitable trap of the universe. Standing in front of the doors to a concert hall, a place you used to call home before the memories of the night shared between you and him haunted its every corner, you scan around for any passersby. 

You should return home. It’s your safest bet. Plus, did the janitor really not change the lock after all these years? 

Click.

The key slides perfectly into the lock; and even through all the protests your defense mechanism puts on, it’s only inevitable that your heart overtakes your body and you’re already slipping through the slit and leaving the world shut outside behind you. 

Alas, the rows upon rows of burgundy velvet chairs, balconies upon balconies that line the walls, and the dim lighting across the room that plays a stark contrast to the golden lights focused on the stage, everything screams home to you. Even if you can still see him sitting down beside you on the front row, turning to smile that damn half-smile of his, your heart is content over a dream nearly turned reality just minutes prior. The boy of the past beckons for you and you follow him up the stage with a smile on your face. His ghost leads you before the piano, seating yourself onto a cushioned black bench and a set of white keys streaked with black. 

Here, on the stage, the lights are blinding. The audience is blacked out and you can no longer see too far off into the distance. From here, you figure you must appear dazzling—perfect, even; but you know you’re flawed, maybe the golden glow that reflects against the polished wooden floor and onto you makes it hard to believe, but you know you’re human. Up here, the grand piano is the only thing that keeps you focused on the task at hand. 

Is this the sight Yoongi faces every day?

Is this the mundane sight he faced on that night? Or did he see you watching him with those sparkles in your eyes that reflected the star on stage? Did he smile that night, performing whilst observing his sole audience member with utter adoration and a heart on his sleeves? 

The sparks of that night makes its grand entrance, even as an unsettling realization dawns upon you—because the thing is, you don’t remember, you can’t remember if you were busy taking advantage of his vulnerability.

Three notes—you play the familiar notes that had lulled you to sleep throughout the trying year. The tune brings a bittersweet smile to your lips that tugs at your chest. The truth is, you miss him. You didn’t want to turn him away but you couldn’t be selfish any longer. Even so, you miss him. You want to hold him right here, right now. 

“I see you still remember that little performance I put on for you.”

Whipping around, your eyes widen when you find him standing before you. Decked out in a classic black and white suit, with a loosened tie, tousled hair, and hands buried in his pockets, as if he wasn’t sprinting just a minute before, he approaches you slowly. 

“I don’t,” you mumble a lie, turning your back on him and lowering your eyes to the keys in shame, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Yoongi chuckles and you can feel his vibrations against your back as he leans forward to hold your hands in a delicate grasp. “I see you’re also still not very honest with yourself,” he muses when you relax under his touch. His hands guide you to the keys—and you don’t know why, but you let him. 

With his fingertips over yours and the top of your hands grazing against his rough palms, the complete song is like an entire symphony compared to the three notes you played earlier. Everything is almost a carbon copy of that magical night, except here he is, holding you in his arms, and here you are, head against his chest as you count the rhythm of his quickening heart. The tune, too, has evolved from the melancholic melody from before.

“...is this the same song?” you can barely utter.

“Oh, so you do remember,” he remarks and you can practically hear him smirk. “The song I played for you was supposed to be the hook for one of my tracks.”

“It sounds different though. It sounds… happier.”

“Does it?” he chortles, still gliding your hands across the piano. “I revised it after that night. I wanted it to be an accurate reflection of me. Simply put, it was too sad, too lonesome. This is more fitting.” 

And now…? How is this an accurate reflection of him? If anything, your betrayal should have been the most lonesome act of all… unless he found someone new. 

The thought has something gnawing in you as your hands fall from the keys and back into your lap. The music stops and silence follows. The deafening confessions exchanged between his heart and yours are all you can hear echoing in the vast room. 

“...why are you still treating me so well?” you finally mutter. His silence only spurs you further into an unexplained fury as you raise your voice. “Don’t you hate me...? Don’t you hate me for lying to you, for taking advantage of you, for breaking your trust when you had so meticulously told me not to?!”

Even in a time like this, Yoongi remains composed as he always does, silently putting his thoughts into words that would eventually quell your fire. 

“I didn’t hate you. I was mad and it hurt like hell for months on end, but I don’t hate you,” he states firmly. “You know I’ve never been one with words, but hell, Y/N, I’ve missed you.”

“Why did your company tell everyone we were through without giving me a single warning, then?” you shake your head in a fruitless attempt to still your racing heart. “Why didn’t you text me back? Why didn’t you call?”

“I did text,” he confesses and you freeze. “I didn’t text you, but I told Solji to take care of you. That’s the most I could do while retaining our break. It was for the better... but if you were waiting for my call, then why didn’t you call?” 

“Well,” you pause, taken aback, “you said you wanted a break. I knew I hurt you too much. I couldn’t just be selfish again and force you to be reminded of me after you had requested me not to.” 

“...is that why you never told anyone Ink Nemesis was really just an aspiring writer in disguise?” 

Silence.

How does he know that? 

No one would have arrived at that conclusion. It just doesn’t make sense.

How does he always read right through you?

“No,” you shake your head profusely. “That doesn’t even make sense. I’m a selfish person, you know that. I didn’t tell anyone so that I wouldn’t tarnish my reputation. I could still go out in public if no one knew I was the one who released those photos. I could still establish my career as a writer if no one knew I was Ink Nemesis—”

“—because you were selfless and because you changed after recognizing how much you hurt me, you decided your confession would only tarnish my reputation,” he surmises a little too accurately, “even if that meant you would have to be plagued with guilt that you’re still trying to carry to your grave.” 

Bulls-eye.

“It… it doesn’t matter anymore,” you bite your bottom lip, hoping anything would stop you from speaking the truth. “Everything happened so long ago. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“Good. I don’t want it to hurt anymore,” he places both hands on you and you comply as he turns you around to face him. Bangs hanging over his eyes as he leans downwards, your heart jumps at the soft edges of his that you had so yearned to see in flesh again. He speaks lowly but surely, “but isn’t there anything still left from back then?”

You still love him.

Meekly answering, you utter, “...no.” 

“Really? I’m the only one reliving this hellish nightmare on replay, reminiscing over our undeniable chemistry because—and I swear on my life—I would never be able to find someone who understood me like you?” he lays his heart out on the table. “Am I really the only one who feels these sparks?”

Peering up at him to meet his gaze, you can make out the sincerity of his face where the shadows of the blinding lights above falls gracefully. The surrealism of it all takes you out of the race. Even if you were to lie, he would see right through you. 

“...no,” you gulp, lowering your head to conceal the waterworks that make its way to your eyes, “no, you’re not.” 

“I never trusted anyone more than you, Y/N. You know I gave you my entire heart, right?” he speaks sternly. “So is there anything else you want to say to me?” 

“I’m... sorry, Yoongi. I never wanted to hurt you—” the words you’ve been wanting to say come to you naturally, as if rehearsed thousands of times “—I know it doesn’t matter now, but I won’t ever hurt you again. Ever.”

“Why?” he utters, fingers on your chin and tilting your head back until your gaze meets his. Yoongi’s eyes soften for a second at the sight of the warm tears streaming down your cheeks, lifting another hand to gently wipe the drops away. His touch is electricity against your bare skin. 

“Because I love you.”

Yoongi smiles that lopsided smile of his, fruitlessly stifling the chortles that escape before uttering one last time “then it does matter, love” and locking his lips with yours. 

That, in itself, is enough to tell you he’s forgiven you.

And now, you can finally forgive yourself.

-

“First of all,” you clear your throat hesitantly, leaning forward into the microphone that squeaks, “I would like to thank you all for coming to this press conference. Although Yoongi and I have already settled things privately, I would like to publicly apologize for my malicious actions against Min Yoongi of BTS. Two years ago I was in an unstable position and I was willing to accept any job just to make a living and persist to chase my goals as an aspiring writer. I know me coming out as Ink Nemesis is not enough of a rectification for my actions, and I understand why certain networks have refused to attend tonight’s press conference, so I want to take this time to thank those who have. I promise I will do my best to answer any question with utmost truth.” 

Dozens of cameras flash in the room filled with reporters and previous fans of the works on your blog. Surprisingly, you can’t even count the number of heads in the cramped room, even if certain fans, both his and yours, had boycotted the press for your first upcoming novel. It takes everything in you not to squint at the blinding lights, because if there’s anything your relationship with Min Yoongi has taught you in the past year, it would be that the media tears you apart over the most trifling matters.

“So, um…” you mumble, shifting in your seat, “we can begin the Q&A.” 

No one speaks but the flashes and clicks persist throughout the silence. Your eyes flicker across the crowd only to find Yoongi’s intent gaze under the rim of his bucket hat with ease. His eyes widen slightly at your call for help before he blinks blankly, looks around, and kicks the chair of the closest reporter to him. 

“Oh!” the bespectacled man raises his hand, jumping at the sudden vibration. 

You lean into the microphone, “yes?”

“Seeing as you have mentioned your humble beginnings as a blog writer, could you explain why you took pleasure in writing via a blog and not through an agency?” 

“Ah, that’s a good question,” you purse your lips. “Actually, I think there are many perks to writing on a blog that many don’t consider, both readers and writers alike. Through a blog, readers can comment on any part of a chapter. Specific feedback, especially the ones that quote certain excerpts of my work, can be really helpful in my progression as a writer. Not to mention, their reception helps motivate me as I write later chapters in the series. I think it’s pretty cool that readers can send messages to their favorite writers and writers can have a personal connection with the very people who support their livelihood.” 

Another man raises his hand, “and what about the cons to running an online blog?”

“Hm, where do I start?” you laugh along with the crowd. “First off, I have to figure out how to even run a blog. I have to design my website, I have to edit my own work, I have to create a cover that looks somewhat presentable, and most of all, I don’t even get paid! The algorithm always changes, so the attention your works receive might not be an accurate representation of its quality.”

“Can you elaborate on how to assess the quality of your work?”

“Well, that’s a difficult one to answer. Sometimes numbers such as likes, reblogs, and comments are a good indication of how many people have read your work, but not everyone leaves any notes. Sometimes people are busy on the days you post and sometimes people just don’t see or aren’t interested in your cover or synopsis.” 

“How does it feel when your work is not received well in terms of numbers and what do you do to proceed? Does the reception change the direction of your work?”

“Honestly, it’s pretty dejecting when you spend hours on something and no one responds. That’s how it is in life, though,” you shrug. “In fact, there was a time on my blog when one of my works received all the attention, whereas another one of my works went completely under the radar. It was pretty despairing to see the stark contrast.”

“And why is that?”

“Why?” you pause. “Well, I have to say I’m a very competitive person. I’ve always wanted to be the best at what I do and I hated that my own work was stifling my growth. I wanted to grow as a writer, and somewhere along the way, numbers became my definition of success and quality. When I noticed that the numbers were falling on something that I was so proud of, I was disappointed. Relying on numbers is a realistic but grave mistake. Nowadays, I could care less about the numbers. Of course, a part of me still cares and I still would love a reasonable amount of notes—” you laugh “—but getting over the misconception that numbers are equivalent to quality helped me in my return to fiction. Honestly, people who rely on numbers are missing out on a lot of amazing works. Trust me.”

“What would you tell your past self right before you shut down your blog?” 

“I guess,” you have to pause and think, “I guess I would tell her to go ahead and do it. I would tell her she had so much to live, so much that she was missing out on life because she gave so much of her time and heart on her blog. I would tell her that when the time comes, inevitably, she would write again because she wants to and not because of anything else.” 

“Why did you really take down your works?” 

“Ah—” how should you go about this topic that even you want to avoid “—it has to do with my reasoning before. I’m a competitive person and I was disappointed in myself. Certain readers only responded when I updated one of my works, some people even unfollowed me whenever I posted something else, but they were never there when I voiced my struggles or needed help from public disputes. I know it sounds silly and I really shouldn’t hold it against them, but it felt like no one cared about me until I served them. My creativity was stifled. Everything added up and I just didn’t want to have anything to do with my blog. Honestly, I was putting too much pressure on myself. I was conceited and it was dumb of me to have such a toxic perspective. Other writers wrote beautiful works, regardless of whether they had higher and lower number of notes, but I couldn’t help comparing myself to them. It’s embarrassing to say this out loud now, really, but that’s the truth. I think it’s a truth that echoes with many online writers.” 

The crowd nods their heads and people start scribbling onto their notepad. Several hands raised in the crowd but you can barely see anyone amidst the flashes, so you toss a finger up somewhere in the air. 

“How are you and Yoongi doing right now and how did he respond when you posted the picture of him on his affair?” 

An audible gasp echoes in the room as you frown, brows furrowed and mouth hung agape at the unrelated question. The reporters stiffen, because surely, it’s a question they’ve all thought of asking but had the decency to refrain from. Trying your best to retain Yoongi’s hidden spot amongst the crowd, you keep your eyes on the reporter. 

“I’m sorry but that’s something only him and I should be concerned over. Him and I are doing just fine, thank you,” you smile when you spot Yoongi giving you a nod with an affirmative smile that says that’s my girl. 

A loud series of coughs saves the tense silence that follows. Everyone’s eyes dart to the very front right row, and when a light focuses on the reporter and their identity is revealed amidst the blackened platform below your stage, you can’t help but smile fondly at her. 

After years of silence, it seems the grudge has finally been settled by her attendance, and thereby support, of your first press conference. 

“Moving onto more important and relevant topics,” Xiao Lin settles the notepad into her lap, devoting all of her attention to you with a grin, “will you ever return to your writing blog? In other words, will you post your old works again?”

“Well, I have returned to my writing blog every once in a while,” you hum. “I’m no longer the same person as I was before, but I’m also not ashamed of who I was and the works that I wrote in the past. When I return, I will return on my own accord and my own terms. I’ll leave you with that.” 

“And…” she scribbles something onto her notepad before looking up, “what will be the name of your upcoming novel?”

A stagnant silence floods the room that waits with bated breath as you lean into the desk and prolong the suspension. Smiling to Yoongi, head lifted and chin high, you speak proudly into the microphone. Alas, when the answer leaves your lips, a hushed gasp intermixed with a collective plaudit arises, for your proclamation is merely the first signal for the end of a beginning.

“Ink Nemesis.” 

-

are you ready for it?

[radonyx]

xiao hui’s development with zhanyi [more specifically jian yi]

I wanted to bring up the development of xiao hui over the course of the story.

when the audience was first shown the appearance of xiao hui, it was a rather neutral appearance. she was one of the many girls who had a crush on zhan zheng xi as a lot of females would flock around zhan zheng xi, offering to ‘lend notes’ from class as a way to get closer to him, often bugging/asking jian yi about him, blushing furiously when he politely puts the hat back on a girl’s head which had fallen when she bumped into him, etc.

a harmless thing and who could blame her (or the other girls) when he is so handsome; what made her stand out from the other females, however, was that the author consistently showed her from the very beginning to express that she clearly had a deeper crush than the others did. zhan zheng xi himself never expressed any interest in them and admitted to jian yi that he is rather uncomfortable/annoyed with such attention from females most of the time, telling jian yi “this kind of thing is annoying” (cough, cuz you gay xi, cough).

despite this, zhan zheng xi remained cordial with the women interested in him. however, xiao hui had become sort of a ‘pest’ in zhan zheng xi’s eyes — for the lack of a better word. zhan zheng xi would do the casual sort of polite rejection most people do in real life where you don’t want to have to flat out reject them because its awkward or you don’t want to appear rude by saying something like “I don’t like you that way. please leave me alone”, so you just try to avoid them until they get the hint. from the beginning of the story she would consistently follow and sort of ‘bug’ zhan zheng xi, oblivious to his obvious hints of disinterest. in the beginning of the story, he even pleads jian yi to cover/hide him from her and pleads with his eyes for jian yi to do something to ‘save [him] quick’ from her, which led the hilarious outcome of jian yi saying they should go pee together.

when xiao hui slowly started to have more of a part in the story, the neutral shed of light was faded slowly faded and became more negative as she became more bitter towards jian yi who was always surrounding zhan zheng xi. readers were shown her complaining about him in her thoughts as she felt he wouldn’t leave xi alone. after zhan zheng xi has avoided her several times, she writes a lover letter to him (which jian yi delivers) but zhan zheng xi chooses not to read. she starts to become a bit more persistent, and tells him she’d wait for him after school to which he tells her ‘thats not necessary’, she also then invites him to her birthday party to which he responds that he doesn’t like noisy places and quickly escapes her. witnessing this, jian yi felt some sympathy towards her.

now while zhan zheng xi wasn’t actually cruel, it’s clear jian yi felt a bit of empathy towards her and could easily imagine himself in her shoes (even though he was jealous). then came the chaos of  people leaking her love letter, which zheng xi hadn’t read, on the school’s bulletin board >>> jian yi finds this out when he overhears a few girls talking about it and he becomes frustrated that zhan zheng xi has become the new hot gossip of the school because of xiao hui’s letter. jian yi didn’t want zhan zheng xi to be involved with any of this type of drama. when he lets this become known to xiao hui, she gets upset and starts hurling homophobic insults his way.

her letter had just been leaked, she’s embarrassed, and she’s jealous and bitter of how close of jian yi is with zhan zheng xi — because of this, she becomes extremely upset in the heat of the moment (does it excuse her comments? no. but that’s where her mind space was at). jian yi explodes because her comment about him being ‘gay’ hits close to home; yet, even when she cries and zhan zheng xi shows up — jian yi encourages zhan zheng xi to go comfort her. but zhan zheng xi doesn’t listen and his first priority is jian yi and how upset he is. he comforts him instead and goes to officially and politely reject her in the best possible way he can, telling her she would meet someone one day who would love her (but implying that it wouldn’t be him). up until this point, she already knew jian yi liked zhan zheng xi as more than a friend, but after zheng xi officially rejects her, she begins to suspect that zhan zheng xi liked jian yi as well. she is still sad, but calms and slowly begins to stop crying. after this, there is a bit of awkward tension between her and zhanyi, more specifically jian yi as she had insulted him so cruelly beforehand. fast forward to later on when she goes to help zhanyi save mo from being framed for something he didn’t do.

she is shaking and sweating. it’s important to remember the last time she saw and spoke to them was not particularly on good terms, and she doesn’t know if either of them have forgiven her for what she said to jian yi. she is nervous and scared of what they think of her and wonders if they will even accept her help — which they do in a heartbeat. jian yi doesn’t appear angry with her any longer and is quick to forgive her. they all help clear mo’s name together and xiao hui’s character starts to have a more positive light shone on her as the story goes on. 

later when she bumps into them at the mall, jian yi actually offers for her to join them out to eat, once again expressing he shows no ill will towards her. she is polite as well, wanting to respect boundaries (a vast difference from her persistent approach in the beginning of the story) saying she hopes she wouldn’t be interrupting them, to which he tells her she wouldn’t. as I said before, it seems that after zhan zheng xi rejected her, she herself realized that zhan zheng xi has mutual feelings for jian yi. it must have been something that has been going through her mind for a while now. we have repeatedly seen how the student body act / react to seeing zhan zheng xi and jian yi together, a lot of them stare in shock and/or amazement, it’s pretty obvious to most people there who have seen them interact that their feelings for each other are more than platonic. It didn’t seem to be as obvious to xiao hui at first but now it seems as clear as day to her. so she finally begins to wonder about zheng xi’s feelings for jian yi.  

she decides to be upfront about it and directly asks “is it jian yi?” knowing full well the answer. she knows already. she knows the answer is yes. she wouldn’t be crying if she didn’t know his feelings for jian yi were mutual. xiao hui is crying because she is heartbroken — the guy she likes and is clearly still not over yet already has strong romantic feelings for someone else, for her it’s like a knife twisting inside her, to know that the suspicions she has been having were true. but we can also see that she is also smiling when she asks if its jian yi, because ultimately i think she does want happiness for the person she likes even if its not with her; just like when zheng xi rejected her, he still wished that someday he hoped she would find someone to make her happy even though he admitted the person for her would not be him. her smile also seems to be a way to provide support for zheng xi, whether intentionally or not, and show that she is okay with it (him having feelings for another man, even though she had said those terrible things to jian yi back then). she finally has some closure to her suspicions and is officially able to move on. 

after this, she hangs out with them for the rest of their trip at the mall and you can with no doubt see that she is no longer bitter as shown below.

after zhan zheng xi admitted to her that jian yi is the person he likes, “is important” and “can’t be replaced”, things have changed. it's clear from the panel above how she doesn’t want to interrupt them because the moment felt so private; so she hides behind a wall, has tears streaming down her face and is blushing at them as she lurks. now that she has accepted that zhanyi only have eyes for each other, she has become a full fledged supporter (and shipper if you will).

in the last chapter, she approaches jian yi to be a model for their music club and jian yi is more than happy to help. they all get along with each other and there is no bitterness or resentment towards the other. 

the development of their whole relationship from the start is very nice to see.

[mcheang]

Feng Jiu’s revenge against Lian Song

This was meant to be a short fic but somehow escalated to this...

Feng Jiu can understand him not helping her when she was a handkerchief, if even Zhe Yan left her behind, but did he have to eat her fish too and taunt her about Cheng Yu’s health? It just left her hungry and worried. Not a good combination.

So what if, instead of Lian Song bringing just Ali to see his Cousin, he also brought Cheng Yu.

Cheng Yu immediately greets Jiu Ge as an old Friend. Feng Jiu numbly returns the greeting.

Upon seeing them, and after pinching Dong Hua’s leg twice, Lian Song mentioned that he brought these 2 pining friends to distract them from their worry over Feng Jiu.

Feng Jiu just shot the prince a mischievous smile. Turning to Cheng Yu, she inquired after her health.

Cheng Yu: I’m fine now that I can finally rest.

Feng Jiu: oh, I am so glad. I’ve been so worried ever since some rascal told me you were bedridden with a terrible headache and had fallen into a coma. I would have come to visit you, but that same rascal stole my supper and I was too weak to come find you.

There is only one person who Cheng Yu calls a rascal.

As Feng Jiu continued to enjoy her meal, Cheng Yu slowly turned to glare at the sweating Lian Song. What did he do to deserve this? Wasn’t the fox queen being kind of petty?

Cheng Yu cracked her knuckles menacingly. “That rascal indeed deserves to be punished. How dare he curse me to fall ill and steal a hungry girl’s food?”

Lian Song gave a weak laugh. “Come now, aren’t you both being too hard on this fellow. Maybe he was joking and didn’t mean any harm by it.”

Feng Jiu gave him a look. After all the torment she went through, she cannot get back at Dijun, but she can get back at his accomplice. “Ah, but this fellow knew how much I had already suffered. He knew that a weirdo was bullying me.” Dong Hua looked at Feng Jiu. She stared back unabashedly. After all he put her through, she had no qualms repeating the insult.

This whole time, Jiheng had been trying to serve Dong Hua soup but he ignored her in favour of the show in front of him.

Lian Song quickly took advantage of the situation and tried to appease Feng Jiu.

“Princess Jiheng, you don’t have to worry about Feng Jiu’s cooking. I’ve had her food before and it was the best meal I’ve ever had. Right, Dong Hua?”

Dong Hua turned to look at his buddy. “That is true. Now that she and I are neighbours, I can try her cooking. Considering the last time Xiao Bai cooked for me, you even ate my share.”

Lian Song’s brain: Oh come on. Now you are holding a grudge too?

Noticing Xiao Yan’s desolate expression, Feng Jiu leans over to whisper to him. Deciding to cheer him up, Feng Jiu decides to head to the kitchen to order more food for their new guests and ones that will suit Xiao Yan’s tastes.

Ali, Cheng Yu and Xiao Yan want to follow her but she gives them her bag of cakes instead. Then gives Xiao Yan’s share to Meng Shao and Jie Lu instead.

Feng Jiu tells Xiao Yan not to worry as she will order his favourite dish. If they can’t make it, then she will make it.

Dong Hua spills his soup.

Seeing Jiheng care for Dong Hua, Feng Jiu doesn’t have to worry about him and so goes over to the kitchen.

While the four of the guests enjoy the delicious cakes, Xiao Yan watches miserably as Jiheng tries to offer Dong Hua more soup. Lian Song is just miserable today.

Meng Shao and Jie Lu praise Feng Jiu’s cakes. Ali and Cheng Yu puff up like proud parents. Ali even mentions Feng Jiu was best at making sorrowless cakes.

Lian Song: What? She made those sorrowless cakes?

Cheng Yu gave Lian Song a too sweet smile. “Yes. And she also told me what happened the last time you tried it.” Her expression turned cold. Dream on, it said.

Lian Song: things are making more sense now.

Dong Hua already suspected Xiao Bai was the culinary maid from Tai Chen Palace. He wasn’t that surprised.

Meng Shao expresses a wish to try those cakes.

Dong Hua is getting annoyed because he didn’t get to try a cake. The soup is not appealing to him, even if it is favourite.

Feng Jiu returns, promising new dishes that are to Xiao Yan, Cheng Yu and Ali’s tastes.

When the dishes arrive, Dong Hua notes which one is for Xiao Yan. He accidentally causes the soup vessel to hit that dish, spilling all over poor Xiao Yan.

Feng Jiu fusses over him, making Dong Hua’s mood blacken. Lian Song doesn’t dare taunt Dong Hua now.

Jiheng leaves, disappointed her soup was wasted.

Seeing no way for Dong Hua and Xiao Yan to have a civil dinner together, Feng Jiu offers to treat him to a dessert place, Cheng Yu and Ali should come to. Dong Hua and Lian Song don’t have to strain themselves, Feng Jiu has heard how they enjoy spending their time alone, without the bustle of noisy youths. Meng Shao and Jiu Ge are welcome to join them though.

The prince and princess wisely and politely decline.

Lian Song and Dong Hua unhappily stare after the group of 4 romping happily to the dessert shop.

Lian Song: I did something nice today and this is the thanks I get?

Meanwhile, Feng Jiu is hugging her BFF and Cousin fiercely, crying about how hard Dijun has made her life.

Xiao Yan reminds her that she is only in this competition because of Dong Hua.

Cheng Yu refutes Xiao Yan’s nonsense. Of course Feng Jiu should not forgive Dong Hua so easily. He owes her too much. This favour can be counted towards that debt.

Cheng Yu coddled the abused fox queen, promising to teach Lian Song a lesson for being mean to her.

When they get back, Cheng Yu keeps her word and chases after Lian Song to give him a beating. When they return, Lian Song is sporting a large bruise and offers Feng Jiu his sincerest apologies for depriving a starving maiden of her food.

Once they leave, Feng Jiu turns to Dong Hua and huffs before stomping off without a good night.

Dong Hua’s eyebrows rise. Cheng Yu is a bad influence on Xiao Bai.

Anyway, training takes place as usual, with the kiss and ointment scenes.

When the tournament arrives, Ali and Cheng Yu are also present. Cheng Yu is infuriated that the fruit was stolen and goes to confront Dong Hua, dragging Feng Jiu along. When they learn from Xiao Yan/Jiheng that he returned to Taichen Palace, Cheng Yu tells Feng Jiu not to worry. She will get her that fruit; by hook or by crook.

In short, she gets Lian Song to bring her back to Taichen Palace where she confronts Dong Hua. Cheng Yu explains the real reason Feng Jiu wanted the fruit. If he wants to make peace with Jiheng, use some other treasure. But that fruit belongs to Feng Jiu.

Realizing his mistake, Dong Hua agrees to return the fruit to Xiao Bai and brings Cheng Yu with him back to the valley.

Lian Song decides to stay behind and question Si Ming.

They find Ali consoling his Cousin and doing his best to stop her from doing anything rash. Mostly by tying their hands together. Xiao Yan is also there comforting his good Friend, irritating Dong Hua. How annoying that his fruit theft backfired on him badly.

Dong Hua apologizes to Feng Jiu. He can’t explain the reason he stole the fruit in front of the others. It wasn’t the right time. Feng Jiu politely accepts his apology but thanks Cheng Yu wholeheartedly.

Cheng Yu already scolded Dong Hua but Xiao Yan still wants to give ice face a piece of his mind.

To change the subject and avoid offending Dijun, Cheng Yu suggests they might as well eat the peaches while they wait.

Dong Hua stays behind, trying to figure out how to get Xiao Bai to stop hating him.

Lian Song stops by and tells Dong Hua the whole story.

Dong Hua looks like he has a headache. He had just realized he liked Xiao Bai romantically, only to learn that he had seriously wronged her in stealing her fruit. He thought Xiao Bai had a bad impression of him for the whole handkerchief issue and thereafter, but they had been improving until the fruit issue. Now Lian Song is telling him Feng Jiu was his beloved fox who had been horribly neglected, not to mention how much she had done for him already.

Feng Jiu had done so much for him, but he had wronged her so much. He now realizes how much he likes her, and how much reason she has to hate and reject him.

What can he do?

Feng Jiu will want to return home now that she has the fruit...

He has the amnesia potion but Cheng Yu will help remind Feng Jiu what went down.

Lian Song’s advice: tell Feng Jiu the truth and apologize.

In any case, clear up that misunderstanding about Jiheng. Lian Song will take Ali and Cheng Yu home so Dong Hua can get closer to Feng Jiu without interference.

For more advice, remember the advice he gave Ye Hua?

1. use natural good looks to charm her....won’t work in this case

2. Be the hero and save her again....yeah, he owes her too much now so there won’t be any debt anyway

3. Injure self so she will nurse you...he will have to be truly injured since illusions don’t work on immortals

Feng Jiu could have returned with Cheng Yu but decides to wait because she wants to bid Meng Shao and Jie Lu a proper goodbye.

After their friends leave, Dong Hua visits Xiao Bai. He struggles to explain the situation again. He didn’t want her to have the Saha fruit because he was jealous of Yan Chiwu getting pastries from her. Feng Jiu is confused.

“I thought you were jealous because of Jiheng.”

Dong Hua confesses that he likes Xiao Bai, not Jiheng. But Feng Jiu can’t believe that so easily. She has suffered so much already because of Dong Hua.

Dong Hua asks what he can do to convince her of his feelings.

The thing is...Xiao Bai is not sure what to do if his feelings are sincere.

Dong Hua admits he knows what Xiao Bai has done for him.

Feng Jiu: Are you confessing your feelings because you feel guilty? Don’t worry. It’s all in the past. I have long decided to move on.

Dong Hua: I really do like you. It is not because of guilt. I liked you before Lian Song told me all you have done for me.

Feng Jiu just stares at him, speechless.

Dong Hua: Xiao Bai, what do I have to do to prove my love for you?

Feng Jiu looks torn about wanting to leave but Dong Hua is holding onto her hand.

After a moment of thought, Feng Jiu offers, “Carve out your heart for me. My aunt told me that is the sincerest form of expressing your love....but you don’t have to do it. I just can’t think of any other act right now.”

This could work for Dong Hua....

The next day, Feng Jiu is horrified to see Dong Hua heavily injured because he had actually cut his heart in half.

Feeling guilty, Feng Jiu agrees to nurse him back to health. During which time, she sings him lullabies and makes him toffee.

To prevent loss of face, Dong Hua’s injury must be kept secret. Which means Jiheng isnt allowed to see him.

Actually Dong Hua is exaggerating his pain...but hey, the dude’s shameless.

Anyway, Dong Hua gives Feng Jiu the ring. She has no choice but to accept the gift.

It will protect her from Miao Luo.

Ok, so Feng Jiu reluctantly believes Dijun likes her....but that doesn’t mean she wants to be with him!!!!

Dijun just asks to let him court her. Feng Jiu unwillingly agrees.

But there isn’t much opportunity to court her in the valley. Not to mention Feng Jiu misses Qingqiu where Dong Hua can’t exactly stay with her constantly since they are not engaged. Granted, he can be shameless but he doesn’t want to offend her family.

Upon leaving, Feng Jiu bids farewell to her new friends and clears the misunderstanding with Meng Shao. (Im following the drama so I have no idea why Jiheng was absent)

Feng Jiu returns to Qingqiu and at least clears off the blind dates once she makes it clear she accepted Dong Hua’s courtship.

Dong Hua decides to take her to the Mortal Realm first for a festival. There are many worlds, one of them probably has a party right then.

Soon it becomes known that Dong Hua is pursuing the Qingqiu queen and that all other suitors should avoid following his lead lest they face his petty vengeance.

Some wonder if the mighty Dong Hua was under a love spell. Ridiculous.

Others wondered if he was just obsessed with red foxes.... first he had a pet, now a lover....

Zhi He heard the news and rushed back, demanding to see her brother. Dong Hua wasn’t back yet, but Chonglin kicked her out because she wasn’t invited.

Despite taking her out on romantic dates and making her happy, Dong Hua still hasn’t received Feng Jiu’s acceptance.

Lian Song inquires via Cheng Yu who had already asked Feng Jiu.

It turns out Feng Jiu wants a man who will be beside her in danger and comfort her when she’s sad. Dong Hua hasn’t done any of those things much.

(To be fair, she was fighting Miao Luo to save Dong Hua.)

Lian Song warns Dong Hua not to stage a threat to Feng Jiu as Cheng Yu will see right through it and blab.

Then the opportunity comes during the Bing Cang ceremony.

Nie Chuyin appears and wins a fight against Feng Jiu. Because Dong Hua is not married to her, he cannot fight against the demon in the ceremony.

Nie Chuyin was instructed by Miao Luo to retrieve that ring! She wants Feng Jiu’s protection removed.

Once Feng Jiu passed it over however, Dong Hua promptly stole it back. When asked why he stole it, Dong Hua said the ring was an expression of love. He does not want the demon boasting about possessing Dong Hua’s token of affection.

Nie Chuyin leaves in humiliation.

Anyway, Feng Jiu already fulfilled Nie Chuyin’s wish and proceeded with the ceremony.

Dong Hua comforts Feng Jiu over her loss, reminding her that it was an unfair fight.

Feng Jiu remembers how Dong Hua helped her through her grandfather’s test and actually asks him to dinner.

It is the first time she has made a move. Dong Hua happily accepts.

Feng Jiu is finally ready to accept Dong Hua romantically and is given back her ring.

They go out on a few more dates before Dong Hua asks her to be his queen. She accepts.

Dong Hua literally gets them registered before the actual wedding.

Zhi He returns and is again kicked out.

Jiheng tries to interfere and be a maid at the palace but Dong Hua just cuts her off from his life by getting her Brother to accept her back. Meanwhile, Xiao Yan and other guards are ordered to guard her in Fanyin Valley and make sure she stays there. (In the book, she was dying but in the drama she was still alive but her poison had worsened.)

They have a happy wedding. Cheng Yu takes all the credit despite Lian Song’s protests.

Miao Luo is irritated because without the blood tear and red qi...she can’t escape. And she can’t give Nie Chuyin more power without either.

Nie Chuyin tries to sabotage the other demon lords but he is held in contempt for his interruption of the Bingcang ceremony.

[rainiedeforest]

MDZS headcanons - Madame Lan and QIngheng-jun [PART 3]

To read the other parts:

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

***

Just two years later, almost three, the second of their children was born. Hr was smaller than Huan was, more delicate, and the midwife believed he wouldn’t survive. At least, until she heard the loud, ragged cry that came from that small chest, compared to his older brother, who was more quiet.

"How is he going to be called?" Qingheng-jun looked at his son. "What would you like his name to be?" Huan, almost three years old, shrugged and put his little hand to the baby's nose. "He's blue," he said with a frown. Aiyan smiled, stroking her older son's hair and looking at the younger one, who had closed his eyes. "Zhan." "I don't like Zhan." "Why not?" Qingheng-jun asked. Aiyan was the one in charge to name their sons. But, while Qingheng-jun was confused, Aiyan smiled sweetly to his son. "Do you know what your name means?" The youngest shook his head. It was still too early for him to know how to read. "Huan means to dissipate. You live in Cloud Recesses, a place full of clouds and mist. And when the clouds dissipate, the sky is clear and blue. One cannot exist without the other. That is why you are my two proud, my babies. Because you are going to bring the truth to this world. You are the light that will guide the future."

But the happiness didn’t last forever. Lan Qiren caught his brother skipping the seclusion to see Aiyan and faced him.

"I see you are very sorry for the death of our teacher." "Qiren." "Is that what you've been doing all this time? Skipping your seclusion to see her at night? I thought you had come to your senses and decided to behave like the leader everyone expects. I was wrong." "Qiren, please listen to me." "The elders have to know about this." "If you tell them, they will take the children away from Yingyue. She wouldn’t bare it"

Qiren looked down. As much as he hated that woman, it was the one who loved his brother and the mother of his nephews who, although he didn’t want to admit it, had given him great joy. "They were thinking of taking them off as well," he confessed and Qingheng-jun felt the world breaking. "I won't tell them anything, but... Promise me you won't see her again. If you do, you'll only do more damage."

When Qingheng-jun entered the Jinghsi, Aiyan looked at him red-eyed with tears on her cheeks. Little Lan Zhan was sleeping in his cot while Lan Huan was doing the same but in his bed.

That was a bitter night. They both hugged each other, while crying silently and looking at their children, who seemed completely oblivious to their suffering.

"I'll try to do anything so you could keep them at your side," he promised her, but Aiyan hid her face better in his neck. "We both know it’s impossible." "But you are their mother." "And your master's killer, who one of them," Aiyan stroked his hair before smiling bitterly. "We both know that I'll never be a part of the clan, no matter how many children I have. And... it's not like I want to be either. You and the children are the only thing that binds me to this place." "Aiyan..." "Do you remember what I asked you?" Qingheng-jun nodded, closing his eyes and keeping her closer to him. "Try to do it. Please. For them." "I promise. I will."

The farewell in the morning was even more bitter. In private, they could at least be a more sincere and free version of themselves. But, when they had to go back to the real world, things were different. Both had to behave and the displays of affection weren’t well received.

"A-Yan, I love you," he said, kissing her one last time on the lips, cleaning a tear that had leaked from her eyes with his thumb. Aiyan smiled and hugged him, leaving a kiss on his neck. "Me too," but the whisper died on her lips against his skin.

That was the last day they saw each other. Qingheng-jun made his way to his younger brother's bedroom and entered, finding him almost ready.

"Done. I will not see her again and Yingyue knows that they will separate her from the children, but, you have to promise me something." "Whatever you wish, xiongzhang." "You have to take care of them. Teach them, take care of them, love them as if we were there. Don't let anyone harm them." "Of course, xiongzhang." "And ... You have to let them see their mother." Qiren frowned and shook her head. "That’s impossible." "You owe me. I will behave as I promised, I will not get out of my seclusion except when necessary, and I am entrusting you, the favorite of the elders, my children, the future of the clan. But, you cannot separate them from their mother." "I'll see what I can do..."

When the elders went and took the children away (who broke down in tears), Aiyan looked bitterly at Qiren, trying to stay as impassive as possible but i was visible the pain of her soul. Lan Qiren interceded in front of the elders and asked them, while the children were young, to allow them to see their mother once a week, but the most he got was one day a month.

He communicated to Qingheng-jun the decision of the elders and he nodded, returning to his seclusion. The following month, he brought both children and a small package to the woman. "I will come back for them tomorrow morning."

Lan Huan filled her with questions, so many that many of them couldn't be answered. She could only smile and distract him, playing with him and little Lan Zhan, singing a lullaby to them to sleep and watching them sleep until the next morning.

"You haven't opened the package," Qiren told him. "I will when I’m alone." The package was full of little things that reminded him of when Qingheng-jun apologized. A sad smile formed on her lips.

Her only contact with Qingheng-jun was the packages she received each month, along with her precious children, who were getting bigger every day.

Lan Huan was kind, sweet and caring, and he showed incredible sensitivity for his age. He had his eyes and his nose and Qingheng-jun's smile and features. Lan Zhan was a small sticker of her brother, but he didn't smile as much, being as reserved as she was in many ways.

She loved having them with her, each month learning something new. Lan Huan showed a great interest in her xiao, Liebing, and Lan Zhan clung to her in search of cuddles, even when he blushed and closed in on himself, as he had seen his father do the first time when she had kissed him.

She never asked about the studies because he knew that Lan Qiren was taking care of them, at Qingheng-jun's request. She didn't understand his decision, but if it was going to make her children safe and sound, she would accept it.

But she did try to get to know them more. Lan Huan was kind, intelligent, and observant, but his big heart would bring him a lot of trouble. She hoped no one would take advantage of him. On the other hand, Lan Zhan was stubborn, reserved, and had trouble expressing himself, but his heart was as big as his brother's. She had two angels for children and she couldn't be more proud.

Soon after Lan Zhan turned six, Aiyan began to feel ill. She didn’t understand, since she didn’t go out and the only one she had contact with were her children. It didn't seem like an illness, either, so what was going on? One day, when Lan Qiren went to pick up the children, she said goodbye to the children in a more affectionate and effusive way, keeping the Jinghsi's door open until they left and disappeared from her sight. However, just as they were about to leave through the garden gate, a dizziness made her lose her balance and collapse.

Lan Qiren asked Lan Huan to take Lan Zhan, that everything was fine, and when the children left, he hurried over to Aiyan.

"I am dying, Lan Qiren." "No, it was just a dizziness." Aiyan smiled bitterly and shook her head, feeling him help her lie down on the bed. "I'll call the doctor and you'll be fine." "The poison cannot be counteracted when it has already harmed the body." "Poison?" Aiyan closed her eyes and tried to breathe. The simple act of taking a breath hurt. She had realized it too late and there was nothing she could do. "On the table are four letters. Two of them I want you to give them to my children when they go to receive their courtesy name. Another one is for Tiaohe." "And the last one?" "The last one is for you. Read it when you are alone."

Aiyan couldn't stay awake much longer. With tears running down her cheeks, Aiyan asked Qiren to tell them she loved them, before exhaling her last breath.

Lan Qiren was forced to tell the news not only to Qingheng-jun, but to his nephews and elders. Qingheng-jun received the news as straightly as he could before bursting into tears, shattered, hugging the letter in his chest. Lan Qiren hated Aiyan for leaving him alone. The older ones took it much better, eventually having to hide their victory smiles.

But the worst was when he told Lan Huan and Lan Zhan. The eldest of his nephews burst into tears while Lan Zhan looked at his uncle in confusion. "Muqin is at home." "Your mother is not coming back, Lan Zhan." "Yes, she is," replied the smaller one, folding his arms.

Aiyan's funeral was discreet and no news was sent outside the clan. No one wanted to have to explain. No one had attended the clan leader's wedding, what caused rumors. No one had seen the wife of the clan leader, causing more gossip. They didn’t need her death to provoke more. So they kept it a secret in the hope that this whole dark and black chapter of disgrace to the clan would end finally.

Lan Zhan, every month, kept going to the Jinghsi, waiting for her mother to open the door. This caused him punishments and a cold that almost killed him. Lan Huan, on the other hand, tried to be strong and not show his pain, although in the morning it was seen that he didn’t rest and his eyes were red because of the crying.

That woman continued to haunt her children even after she died. Her children and Qingheng-jun, who had withdrawn even more in himself in seclusion and barely saw his children.

"Don't you want to see them?" "They remind me too much of her." "Xiongzhang, they need their father." "Now are you going to give me parenting lessons, Qiren?"

Lan Qiren kept the letter, minus Qingheng-jun's, stored away. He didn’t read his until the night before the Lan Huan naming ceremony. In the letter, Aiyan asked him to name them Xichen and Wangji respectively. She had been thinking about their names very carefully and she wanted her children to be free, to live in a world of light and to not have to be enveloped in the darkness of pain.

Another of her wishes was for Liebing and Bichen to be given to both of them, the first for Lan Huan who had found such appreciation for xiao, and the second for Lan Zhan, who had once looked at the sword curiously.

She thanked him in the letter for taking care of her children and hoped that he would continue doing so in the future, since they were her two joys. Lan Qiren was angry, because she didn't say anything about Qingheng-jun. Hadn't he loved his brother? But Aiyan had already taken it upon herself to put all her feelings in the letter to that husband she had received by surprise.

When the Wen clan, years later, attacked Cloud Recesses, and Qingheng-jun fell ill, Lan Qiren remained by his side. "You have to live, xiongzhang." "It’s my time, Qiren." "Your children need you." “My children needed their mother, not me. You have already taken care of them and guided them. Thank you." "Xiongzhang, please." "Xichen will be able to guide the clan in the future. He has become a good man. And he has his brother Wangji to help him. Together they will do it fine.”

Qingheng-jun asked him to open the doors, so that he could see the moon. He could barely move out of bed. “Thank you for taking such care of them, Qiren. You could have had your own life and..." "I have been delighted of doing it, xiongzhang. I love them as my own children.” "I know. And forgive me. I wish that everything had been different.” "Xiongzhang, please don't speak. You need to rest." "Yingyue would have liked you. I hope I have the pleasure of introducing you to her in another life.” Lan Qiren tried not to cry. Even in his last moments, the last words of his brother were for her. "My precious Yingyue..." Qingheng-jun said looking at the moon. "Wait for me, Aiyan, we will be together soon."

The funerals weren’t as majestic as they should have been. They were at war, there was nothing left of Cloud Recesses and the next leader, Lan Xichen, was missing, trying to protect the clan's legacy.

Only when Lan Qiren was about to die, he did give his nephews their mother's letters, apologizing to both of them for taking so long and telling them the true story of their parents. Perhaps he should have listened more to his xiongzhang, perhaps the story would have been different.

Both, Xichen and Wangji passed the night crying, as when they were kids, only to be sure to let the clan know the true story, cleaning their parent’s names.

***

And that’s all. I have headcanons of how Lan Zhan and Lan Huan have lived all of this, but that’s another story. Also, sorry if it hasn’t had the structure or form of headcanons (and parts like it was a fic), but I don’t know how to made them better. 

Hope you like them. If you have different headcanons I will love to read them, and if you want other headcanons, you can always hit my inbox :3

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

[rqs902]

i finally finished watching “youth flower road” and i have some... thoughts...

i think if it isnt obvious already, xiao gui isn’t my bias in nine percent, but watching this show really reminded me why he’s a great friend. one of my first memories of him from watching idol producer was the moment he stepped out of the classroom to comfort zheng ruibin when ruibin broke down crying, thinking he had failed the theme song reevaluation. and i also remember he similarly comforted bu fan when bu fan broke down crying thinking that he was failing the “listen to what i say” team. in “youth flower road” xiao gui really went out of his way to become a bro to feifei and i think you can feel it through feifei’s words of gratitude about xiao gui offering to teach him dance and rap, and also xiao gui’s reaction of real sadness and anger when he thought feifei was going to leave early. the staff’s note to him saying that his eyes became red / he was on the verge of crying 3 times throughout the show, and all 3 times were due to a friend having to leave early, emphasized how much he really cares about his friends. and the way he accepted the fact that he chose himself as “the person he would protect” when drawing lots, but then when ziyi came back later and wouldn’t have someone assigned to protect him, xiao gui automatically decided he would secretly start protecting ziyi instead, not wanting his bro to be left out, even tho he knew he himself wouldn’t be getting anything in return. then when xiao gui gave ziyi the ticket to go skydiving later, which he had bought previously thinking that ziyi would miss out on skydiving while remembering that ziyi really really wanted to go with them.... that was so touching, I started to cry real tears. you could really feel how much xiao gui loves ziyi.

i think ziyi also clearly showed in idol producer how much he cared about his friends but in “youth flower road” i think he really came off as one of the most thoughtful and dependable friends. the little things he gave them when he was leaving to make the rest of their journey more comfortable, including buying the air mattresses that they hadn’t been willing to spend money on themselves and the extra vitamin c (LOL) and health products always... and then when he came back, the new year’s decorations to make them feel more happy and at home and like they were truly celebrating chinese new year with family.

i really appreciate how humble feifei was throughout the whole show and how easily everyone else included him and welcomed him into their big family. besides his cooking being A+, i liked how he described himself as having a vip ticket to a nine percent concert LOL! you can tell how much he valued this whole experience. he says they all took care of him, but he also helped take care of them, cooking, driving, managing the money, even tho he’s younger than some of them. i’ll definitely be keeping an eye out for his music from now on~

from ip i already had the impression that zhangjing is someone who is easily liked by others because he uses / allows teasing as his way of making friends. in “youth flower road” I saw how playful, childish zhangjing then becomes close to these friends by truly taking care of them. zhangjing took on an older brother role on this show, driving, cleaning, volunteering to go into the haunted house first, not complaining when chengcheng stole the front seat spot from him and jumping into the ocean a second time with zhengting to help alleviate zhengting’s fears. he openly shows how much he cares about his friends, like crying when he thought feifei was going to leave, and agreeing to do things like the extreme sports with them, even tho he was so scared. hes honestly the sweetest boy and is someone who’s willing to sacrifice things for others, like when he stayed behind to fix the van rather than go out to shop and explore the town, and when he helped the lady who was stranded with a flat tire, saying he couldnt just leave her there by herself

chengcheng!! i feel like half the time he’s a baby who’s childish and spoiled, but then he’s also so so thoughtful and caring. the tshirts omg the most thoughtful gifts! the fact that he actively comforts zhangjing to not worry about being fat, assures xiao gui that he will always be standing behind him, admits to ziyi he was so so sad when ziyi left but will always be there to welcome him back with open arms whenever he returns, and finally the way that he thanks zhengting for being his leader and all the little things zhengting does for him.... when zhengting later says his greatest thing he’s gotten out of this whole experience was the words of gratitude chengcheng said to him... you can tell chengcheng’s words and his sincerity really meant a lot to zhengting. 

and zhengting... i think watching “youth flower road” taught me a lot about him. it showed me that all the happy excitement and eagerness to try new things and have fun and take every opportunity he can, it comes from his lack of being able to do so during his childhood. hearing him talk about having left his family at age 9 to learn dance, and leaving the country in his first year of college of join yuehua, and how this meant he didnt get to experience a lot of the usual going to school or hanging out with friends childhood experiences. but he makes up for it now by giving his everything to his friends. when he said he doesnt say anything about his sadness and struggles to his family and thinking about them is when he feels weakest because he easily starts to cry, my heart felt so heavy. it feels like he was forced to mature too quickly and so he’s still rather a child who is trying to make up for lost time and forever feels guilty towards his family

but yes i purposefully chose screenshots where they were all emotional / crying over their friendship because their friendship was the greatest thing i took away from watching this show

[itsclydebitches]

I don’t know if you’re accepting Drabble prompts, but how about this: what if after Jinn’s vision ended, Ozpin had a slightly more... intense reaction to reliving his traumatic past?

Hi, anon! No idea if this is what you wanted to see in terms of “intense,” but I supposed it’s something lol 

Ruby could vividly remember the first time she’d heard Uncle Qrow yell. It had stuck with her, like a thorn in her side, so very different from Dad’s anger because Dad was, well…Dad. He was supposed to get mad at the messes they made and snap when they snuck out of bed. It always felt like that was just a part of being a parent, one microscopic aspect alongside laughing at their antics, crying over growth, getting frustrated when chores weren’t done, or fussing over skinned knees. Dad had a range, whereas Uncle Qrow was only ever Kind. Yes, Ruby capitalized it in her head, like it was something proper and rare. Uncle Qrow was Kind, made up of little more than unexpected gifts and rambunctious teasing. He never stayed long enough to be anything else. She couldn’t imagine Uncle Qrow telling them to do the dishes or planting them in time-out for the fifth time that day. He arrived to play video games and feed them the sweets Dad hid up in the top cupboard. What else were uncles for? 

So when a yell had finally ripped from him it settled somewhere in Ruby’s core, taking up residence there without permission. It didn’t matter that it had only been in fear—Ruby young and sheltered, toddling towards the grimm that looked remarkably like a dog. Uncle Qrow had raised his voice at her and from that moment on was no longer just Kind. 

Which was good. People didn’t work that way. They didn’t have one, simple setting. 

So why had she thought Professor Ozpin did? 

“What’s wrong with you?”

It wasn’t even a yell, but his tone…

The words sounded familiar to Ruby and with a jolt she remembered that Yang had asked him the same thing, all the way back in Haven. What’s wrong with you? she’d spit when Ozpin revealed the impossible fact that he’d turned their uncle into a bird. What’s wrong with you? and all he’d had for her was a smile, a promise, and an apology. Accusations rolled off him like water, as Ruby had once thought they should. She’d remembered thinking, vaguely, Yes. This is a leader.  

Ozpin didn’t have any kind words now.

He’d caught the punch Qrow threw at him, Oscar’s small hand still managing to twist and fling Qrow’s off to the side. As he stumbled away Ozpin got one shaking leg underneath him and finally raised his head.

Ruby took an instinctual step back.

The tears were still there and yes, he was smiling, but neither of those detracted from the outright fury in his eyes. His smile looked wrong there. Just as quick as she’d stepped back Ruby wanted to move forward again; wipe that look off his face and, despite everything she’d learned, replace it with a single emotion: anger or grief or something like pleasure. Something simple. Because this mix wasn’t anything she knew how to deal with.

Yang didn’t agree.

“What’s wrong with us?” she hissed, brushing right past a stunned Qrow to get up in Ozpin’s face. She towered over him and yet Ruby was more intimidated by how confidently Ozpin stared up into her eyes. He didn’t give an inch, even when Yang got close enough for spit to fly in his face and her breath to warm up his cheeks. “You’re the liar here! Or are we just supposed to ignore the fact that my mom was right?”

“Did you know there’s a recording of when you lost your arm?”

Yang snapped her mouth shut, momentarily thrown by the non sequitur. Ozpin nodded. “Oh yes. We’ve already established that I have trouble trusting people,” his mouth twisted. “So do you really think there weren’t cameras all over Beacon? Cinder managed to hack them briefly, but the material was all preserved. Qrow gave me access the moment I returned to Haven. Shall I bring the clip up now? I’m sure I have my scroll here somewhere…”

Ozpin didn’t reach for his pocket. He didn’t have to. Yang had gone as white as the snow at the mere suggestion. Ozpin’s gaze brush past her and landed on Blake.

“I believe I also have a recording of a certain conversation with Ms. Belladonna. Do you remember? I asked why you wore that silly bow; why hide who you are? The answer wasn’t important. The fact that you felt like you needed to was enough and I gave you the space to keep your secrets. Foolish of me, wasn’t it?”

Blake’s lips parted like she wanted to voice a protest and instead just ended up curling in on herself. Yang recovered fast and got between them, sparks dancing on the edge of her hair.

“Blake being a faunus didn’t get anyone killed!”

“No,” Ozpin agreed. For the first time his voice cracked and a bit of the anger seeped away. “Is that your threshold then, Ms. Xiao-Long? We can keep our secrets provided that they have no potential to spiral out of our control, resulting in things we never foresaw or intended? Ah, but then perhaps I should have demanded that Ms. Belladonna explain her origins after all. Such a personal connection to the White Fang is no simple offense. She might have put all of you in great danger, including a child who I was personally responsible for…”

Ozpin’s eyes met Ruby’s. She couldn’t hold them for more than a second.

“I’m not being fair though,” he continued, voice flat. Dead. “I do believe there are also recordings of a party Ms. Schnee attended a few weeks back. Shall we all watch together how her father treats her within the safety of Atlas? How she summoned a boarbatusk and may well have killed a civilian if James hadn’t been there to stop it? Am I allowed to force her to re-live that moment simply because I have the means to?” Ozpin’s gaze snapped to Qrow, ignoring Weiss’ flinch. “Your dear uncle felt strongly that neither of you should ever know about his semblance or the magic I gave him. But ah, we’ve already established how important information is to you all. Perhaps I should have told you, regardless of what a betrayal would have done to him.”

Ozpin tilted his head to the sky. Eyes closed now, snow mixing with what was left of his tears. His whole body shook.

“Of course, you know all these secrets already,” he said, so quietly that Ruby had to strain to hear him. “Ms. Xiao-Long has shared her trauma with you. Ms. Belladonna her heritage. Ms. Schnee told you all about that awful dinner party. My dear Qrow, you finally found the nerve to tell your nieces everything—even if unfortunate circumstances forced your hand. I’ve given you nothing new… and yet, somehow I don’t think any of you would be eager to watch those moments play out on my scroll. So tell me, what exactly gave you to right to watch all of that!” 

Ozpin jerked back and slashed his hand in the air, encompassing everything that Jinn had shown them. Ruby felt a sting against her cheek as some of his aura followed the gesture. It split, a small trickle of blood running down into the corner of her mouth. 

“Please tell me, does that help you all be better protectors of humanity? Did it sate your curiosity? To watch my former love try to kill herself over and over again? To watch her murder my children—”

“It was me.”

Ruby blurted it without meaning to, but once she did she was stumbling towards him, the relic held out as a measly, pathetic offering. Ozpin didn’t take it. “I asked the question and I’m sorry. Sir. I didn’t think...”

Didn’t think it would be like this. But Ruby couldn’t bring herself to say it. 

Surprisingly, Ozpin nodded. His eyes even softened a bit and when he reached out to rub the blood away his hand, though trembling, was gentle. “You didn’t think,” he agreed. “You didn’t think about what might happen if you asked your question, beyond the assumption that you’d finally get what you wanted. But what’s the cost, Ms. Rose? That’s all I ever do. For thousands of years now. I think and I weigh the cost of things. Sometimes I think long and hard enough that I hit on the right answer. Other times? …Well.”

Ozpin’s hand dropped. He spread them out at his sides, a gesture of vulnerability. “Do you still want to hit me, Qrow?”

Slowly, he shook his head. 

As quick as it had come the anger was gone. As was the smile. Grief was the only thing left and Ruby revised her original thought. This wasn’t better.

“Okay then,” Ozpin whispered and turned his back on them. He began moving forward, not looking for who—if any—bothered to follow.

[riskeith]

i couldn’t stop smiling reading your last message i’m literally so happy atm. you’re so cute and i’m SO happy. i reread it three times and giggled so loud my brother asked why i was laughing... 🥺 he’s in the next freaking room 🥺

sappiness aside: YES!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE? i wish i could give my luck to you as you deserve it much more ): it’s true but it’s still important if you wanna do well in combat sadly haha dhdydbjdnd like you said it’s very inconvenient to have a unbalanced team but i decided that i’m just gonna switch around with the characters i have when it’s needed yk? they’re all mostly around the same levels so it works fine rn.. or it will until i have to focus on who i want to focus on ascending when i get to higher levels bc payments and materials and all.. sigh there’s so much to think about with too many cute characters... anyway how many rolls have you done since you started playing? do you remember?

OH???? is it easier on pc? i’ve always enjoyed smaller consoles tbh (like switch or even phone) bc it’s easier to focus so it wasn’t that difficult for me. but like you said it might just be a ‘getting used to it’ thing. also now that you’ve seen both; which differences are there in the game? are you gonna have two different accs?

i did restart it from the first ep!!! i figured i might as well get the ~full~ experience. it’s been a while too so it’s like a new experience but not rly? it’s like traveling back to your home country and you’re like wow... i belong here even if i’m not here all the time dhsjsjdhfh bad example but you know what i mean?i’ll keep you updated! rn i’m at training camp part of s1 and it’s great!!! just having a blast tbh. needed this especially now that school is back... :(

i guess we are talking about voltron in 20fucking21. i don’t know if i love that for us or not.... (our honeymoon can be whenever you want babe pick a date and i’m There 😏)

pls unrequited love is soo good. it hurts but it’s good too? haha, maybe if one has experiences with it it just hits different yk? but i’m with you—watching voltron i always always had the headcanon that keith first started to feel smth for lance in the ‘we did it’ scene and actually thought ‘i’m in love’ during the black lion scene. like the proof is all there... s8 and the sunset scene just proves his longlasting feelings nobody can tell me otherwise. keith is the type to cherish the people he loves a lot because he barely has anyone and that means putting their happiness above anything else and lance’s happiness was allura for a while and he just... accepted that despite yearning . god . i always think about is bittersweet smile while having his speech. it’s like; i know that you’re great and you should know that you’re great too and if she can’t see it she doesn’t deserve you.

you freaking out over the leave the math to pidge scene... losing my fucking mind. girl they’re literally in love fuckinf crying 😭😭😭😭😭 they depend on each other SO much like the show runners always push the ‘hunk and lance bffs’ agenda ok sure but in the show hunk was never there for lance the same way keith was. they just eased each other’s anxieties without having any expectations on each other at all? yet they surpassed all of them. the other was just.. there. always. remember the ‘we all miss shiro’ scene too???? the entire team looked at lance and wanted him to step up!!!!!! like HELLO??????? and the second lance spoke keith just calmed down... kill me now. if that doesn’t show much trust and appriciation and respect there was between them idk what does. and the fact that the others know that despite their differences they still need each other just..... yeah. *cries*

YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD. i get you tho klance is just... comfort ship but the ship that leaves you depressed too. i’m sure you could still write them perfectly but i’m absolutely in no way pressuring you at all you truly don’t have to if you can’t. i know how hard it can be to write when the motivation is just not there... :/ anyway idk what i’d prompt i just love your fics babe hsjdhdjdjdk. that’s so boring of me to say help but everything you write i love so.. surprise me? i can’t believe you have a final klance fic tho that sounds so sad.... ): i’m curious what it’s about but maybe it’s better to keep it hush hush.. hm?

i hope you’ve slept well!! you make me so happy!! kisses! xxxxxx

FHSJFKDS that makes /me/ so happy to hear!!! i was sitting on my bed smiling like a FOOL reading this ahahahaha. and soz to your brother but what can i say 🤪🤪

nooooo im so glad you got a 5 star already pls it’s fine im just gonna use all my primogems on xiao banner and it’ll end up okay fhskjdfds. yeah just switching charas in when needed totally works too! it’s just annoying when you accidentally get caught up in combat and it’s just ‘oop im level 1 against level 50′ AHAH. (tho i guess you won’t run into that issue yet?) honestly yeah there’s so much to do with the characters like ascending, constellations, talents, weapons, it’s just like.. what do i do first.... and who..... afhdskjfhsjf sometimes i just want to use character bc pretty and that should be enough 😔

hmmmm for the character event banner I believe i’m at 60 or 70 rn? so i’m reaaaally close to pity which is why when xiao comes 🙏🙏🙏 and for the standard banner i have no idea, maybe 40? so yeahhhh LOL... i keep saying this (and i better not be jinxing it BUT) im hoping it’ll all pay off...... i hope it’s all been building up for xiao... c6 xiao.. come home FHDKSJHDS

i definitely prefer it on PC! controls aside i just like the bigger screen tbh (my laptop is 15″). mostly the differences are the controls/buttons! since you can’t hold down multiple buttons at once on mobile, they’ve got more to cover all the functions (pc doesn’t have an extra dash button, we just right click or press shift; if we’re in the air i think one of the buttons turns into the drop down/plunge, rather than showing like 3 on mobile? i can’t remember precisely but yeahhh; there’s also the joystick on the left side of the screen on mobile that obviously isn’t there on pc bc we have the keyboard. it’s also harder to move the camera around whilst doing things on mobile i feel?) 

and nah i don’t think i’ll make another acc, esp since i’ve gotten so far into game already but i did definitely think about it as a possibility ahahah (bc of my bad luck... i was wondering if i did a reroll (second) acc i might be able to get diluc FJKHSKDFS)

omg it feels like coming home what a good description 😩😩 haikyuu is just such a fun warm experience! legit so comforting and light-hearted but also get deep when it needs to be. oh yes training camp <33 gosh they were so young then :’) HAHAAH. and noooooo school has started up for you again? rip i wish you the best of luck 😔💪

maybe 2k21 is the year of revisiting old things...... god voltron ended in 2018 can you BELIEVE that (😏😏😏 i was gonna mention playing genshin co-op together (even back when you first started) HAAHAH but i assume you play in europe server? im asia rip 😥)

WE DID IT WE ARE A GOOD TEAM!! THE FUCKING PURPLE AROUND THEM!!!! THE SMILEEEE OH MY GOD THE BONDING MOMENT THE. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk every time you mentioned a single line or scene im just. all the memories come flooding back fhdsfkhsdjf. hang on a second.. they are red and blue.... the scene was purple... surely i knew this back then but im thinking about it now and?????/ oh my god

the sunset scene!!!!!!!!!! that is Peak pining keith unrequited love and pain scene... my goodness. “that means putting their happiness above anything else” NOOOOOOOOOOO you are so right tho 😭😭😭😭😭 please keith deserves the univerise <333 :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( the fact that lance seeked him out for that too.. just like old times.. “you can sure be a hard guy to find when you wanna be huh” the way i still remember that ugh they really were my everything 😔

YES!! like they pushed the whole lance+hunk+pidge thing but then in the actual show had hunk+pidge treat lance like shit and belittle him so often?? like ?????????? (once again where fanon saves us 😩) and oh my god yeah.. when everyone turned to him and lance like walked up to keith and then said all that.. we actually had so many moments?? god. *cries with you*

speaking of shiro.. s06e05 the black paladins!!! “shiro.. please.. you’re my brother.. i love you..” “just let go, keith” 😭😭 keith suffered so much AND FOR WHAT my god i miss him so much oh no

FSHFKJDS “surprise me” the only reason im asking is bc i have no ideas!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i shall think.. (and if you want to think and help me out too.. 👐) & i’ve actually posted about that final fic a lot! LMAO that’s how you know i know i’m never gonna finish fdskhfksjd but in case you do wanna see, here are some links: one, two, three

thank you!! i stayed up to 4am like an idiot LOL but i swear today.... and same 😭 im so so happy to have met you 🥰❣ muah! xoxoxox