#like i used to be able to talk politics with her bc she was almost a socialist

[phagodyke]

didn't realise I was angry abt my mum trying to seek emotional reassurance from me until I brought it up in conversation w my roommate and ended up bitching for an hour abt it like. yeah okay I guess I am a bit pissed off !!

[butch-muppet]

.

[dckweed]

Not sure if you're doing top gun requests right now, but if so, here's one. Rooster with a girl who is helping penny at the bar on a super busy night and there is some rowdy group who keeps calling her over and staring at her, and eventually they go too far and try to grab her but she just knocks one of them clean out and as the guys (hangman, fanboy, etc) is taking care of them, rooster takes her away bc she was about to go crazy on them lol. He's just like "that was so hot but you don't need to go to prison tonight."

baby i am always taking top gun requests. ooooh i love this idea so freaking much, thank you for choosing me to send it too, i absolutely do love it when you guys send things!

please note that i see every request that comes in and i am getting to them one at a time! with that being said, feel free to send one in!

anway, how are we all doing today? are we staying hydrated?

warnings: drinking, violence, inappropriate groping and harassment, bar fights, established relationship with rooster!

"BITCHLESS & DICKLESS' bradley rooster bradshaw x fem!reader

It was a busy Friday night at the Hard Deck, you and Penny the only two working and barely able to keep up with the constant flow of customers coming through, it only seemed to get even more crowded and rowdy when a small group of sailors fresh off the base come through, taking up a couple of the tables near the juke box. They signal you over and you make your towards them, order pad in hand incase they order more than just beer.

"Hey guys, how can i help you?" You ask, your voice upbeat and a smile on your face. It was sticky hot outside and you knew your shirt was clinging to your skin because of it, you tried not to feel too uncomfortable with the obvious way two of the men were staring at you. "Eyes up here, fellas." You say, giving a playful angry look. You were used to being looked at, it kind of came with the job title of bartender, but that didn't mean that it didn't make you uncomfortable.

One of the men cocks a smirk at you, leaning back easily in his seat. "They'll have a round of Budweiser," He says, his eyes not leaving you once as he gestures towards his friends. "and i'll have your number, sweetness."

Before you can open your mouth to object politely, one of his buddies beats you to it. "Hey, Hanks, give some of us a chance with her damn." He chuckles flashing you a smile.

"How about none of you get a chance?" You say sweetly, laughing with his buddies. "I'll be back with the beers in a minute." You shake your head, walking back to the bar. You grab six cold beers from the ice box and start putting them on a serving tray.

"Those boys gonna be trouble?" Penny asks, maneuvering her way behind you with a few drinks of her own. You hadn't realized that she had heard the interaction.

"No, they'll be fine." You shake your head, glancing back over at the table as you pop the tops off of the bottles one by one. The one that had asked for your number, Hanks, was staring at you and talking to the rest of his friends at the same time. His gaze unsettled you, but you carried on with your job anyway. You make your way back over to them, planting your serving smile back on to your face as you start handing out their beers. "Alright fellas, let me know if there's anything else i can get you, okay?"

"That phone number is still wanted, honey." Hanks' friend says, taking a sip from his bottle. He shoots you a wink and manspreads in his chair, you perk an eyebrow at him. What was it with navy boys being so goddamn persistent?

"I'm sure it is honey," You say, your voice a little more stern on the matter this time around. "but my boyfriend sure wouldn't appreciate me giving it out to random navy boys that walk into my bar." You turn to head back towards the actual bar, where you see Penny starting struggle.

"I don't see him around, im sure what he don't know won't kill him!" Hanks voice calls after you, its almost admirable how persistent they are, it was afterall one of the more endearing qualities about your boyfriend when you first met him, although you had to say that he hadn't been nearly as uncomfortable as these boys were.

"Oh he'll be around!" You call back over your shoulder, not noticing that at that moment said boyfriend and his group of friends had walked through the front door of the bar. You didn't notice them for quite a few minuets, giving them plenty of time to get to their usual seats as you worked on the fresh wave of customers at the bar, mixing drinks and handing them out almost mechanically.

After around twenty minutes or so Bradley comes up to the bar, standing directly behind you, your back turned as you pour beer from the tap. "Here you g-Bradley!" You exclaim excitedly, nearly spilling the beer in your hands before you hand it to the man standing next to him.

"Hey baby," He says, his voice gruff and hoars, tired. He gladly accepts your kiss as you lean across the bar for it, pressing his lips against your own. He was still wearing his flight suit, and still covered in sweat, and a quick glance towards the others told you everything y ou needed to know.

"Rough day?" You look at him, eyes questioning as you get to work making their drinks. Whiskey neat for Jake, Scotch on the rocks for Bradley and Natasha and a pop for Bob, your favorite sober companion most evenings.

"You could say that," He says, a deep sigh leaving his chest as he watches you, already feeling more at ease. You didnt pry any farther, knowing he would tell you all about it in bed that night. "When are you off?"

You pout, coming around the bar with the drinks on a serving tray. "Not until nearly closing tonight," You say, walking with him towards the others. Bradley studiously takes the tray from you, ever the gentleman even on his roughest days, his arm brushing your shoulder as you walk. "Hey guys," You greet, giving Jake and Bob your usual friendly kiss on the cheek, and with a giggle you give one to Nat too when she taps hers and gives you a lopsided grin. You could tell by looks on their faces that they all needed a dose of happiness.

"Where's mine?" Bradley whines, hand on your hip possessively. You roll your eyes at him but lean up to kiss his waiting cheek anyway, adoring the small smile that tugs at the corners of his lips.

"Awe come on Rooster, you get her all the time, let the rest of us have some." Natasha says, causing you to throw your head back in a laugh, leaning farther into your boyfriend. Your laugh was infectious and the whole group lets out a chuckle, you watch their bodies relax afterwards. "Might want to keep em coming, Y/N , it's been a rough one.."

Jake looks somewhere behind you, eyebrows pinched, stare hard. "Looks like you're in need, Y/N" He says, raising his whiskey to his lips to take a sip.

You look over your shoulder, your eyes landing on the group of sailors from earlier on the other side of the bar. "Those guys again," You sigh, grabbing your tray off the table.

Bob grabs your wrist before you go, and you furrow your brow at him. "Are those guys giving you a hard time?" He asks quietly, he knew Bradley was already on edge as it was and didn't want him looking for a fight.

"Nothing i can't handle, Bobby," You say, ruffling his hair with a wink before heading off towards the group, putting some pep back in your step. "Ready for round two already, fellas?"

The night drags on quickly and slowly all at the same time, customers come and go, drinks are made and made again and carried out to tables. The two main groups being your Boyfriend and the rest of the daggers and the group of boat boys who become more rowdy as the night drags on.

Bradley is already uneasy with them as it is, catching them staring at you one too many times and asking for your number more than once, to which you studiously turn them down, looking his way as if asking for help. He knew he would step in when needed, but he also hoped that didn't need to happen, he knew Penny would talk to Mav and Mav would talk his ear off about it tomorrow on base.

Your patience had more than worn thin, and you were counting down the minuets until your shift was over, hoping that the last half an hour would pass without any issues. Your hopes were wrong though.

You were bringing the group of boat boys another round of beers and a couple of waters and were just picking up the empties and placing them on your tray when you feel it, a large, sweaty hand sliding up the back of your thigh and right up onto your ass, giving it a heavy squeeze. Your eyes widen. "You wanna lose that fucking hand?" You ask, voice gruff as you stand up straight. The entire table quiets.

"What? Fly girl over there is good enough to squeeze this thick ass but i'm not?" Natasha had playfully smacked your ass on her way to the restroom a short time ago, something the two of you had grown close enough as friends to do. It had made you laugh, but this? Oh this was an entirely different ball game.

You see red, and off in the distance you hear Bradley and Jake both yell and the sounds of chairs scraping against the floor as they all get up abruptly. Youve done it before they can even reach you though. The tray drops from your grasp, your dominant hand balling up as the sound of shattering glass reaches your ears and your fist collides with Hanks' face, right between the eyes. You feel a sickening crunch under the force of the blow and blood spurts out of his nostrils as he slumps down, you had hit him hard enough to knock him out.

"What the fuck?!?" Bradley is next to you, arm out protectively as his friends all stand from their seats, ready to brawl over what you had done, even though their pig of a friend had done worse in your opinion. "Y/N?"

"Bitchless and Dickless over there can't catch a fucking hint!" You yell lunging for his friend. Rooster's arms hold you back though before you can make contact with him, the entire bar watches you scream and kick at the sailor as your boyfriend drags you out towards the parking lot. "Fucking assholes! Squeezed my fucking ass!"

Surprisingly, Bob is the first to throw a punch. He had been watching the idiots mess with you all night long along with Rooster. And after their long ass day he was just as ready to fight as the rest of them, infact, he actually took pleasure in what he did. His fist collides squarely with Hanks' friend and Natasha drags the already semi conscious asshole across the floor after you and Bradley, Penny coming to help her.

"Jesus christ baby, you started a fucking brawl!" Bradley laughs, opening the passenger door of the bronco, shoving all of his stuff onto the floorboard as he sets you up on the seat. "That was so fucking hot," He says, hearing police sirens in the distance already. "You have no idea how bad i want to fuck you right now but i can't have you going to jail tonight, buckle in tight baby.." He says, closing your door before running around to the drivers side, the only the thought on his mind is getting you home where you're safe and in your guys' bed, preferably underneath of him.

[violetasteracademic]

Why do you think gwyn would be added as a love interest for azriel if they don’t end up as endgame? Why complicate the love triangle between elain/lucien/azriel?

Hello my lovely anon!

It can sometimes be hard to tell where the anonymous asks in my inbox are coming from. It is never my intention to argue or try to convince any other ships why they are wrong. I tag my work very carefully, ask my beloved rebloggers to do the same, and just want to stay in a cozy bubble. I think all ships are allowed, and the time I spend here breaking down the text and providing analysis is only for fun and comfort. I don't ever want or wish for my posts to end up in the wrong tags. Now that I've gotten that disclaimer out of the way, this is an ask where I can't *totally* tell what perspective it is coming from, but I am assuming it is being asked in good faith and I will answer how I typically do.

Point blank, I do not believe G/wyn was introduced as a love interest. Only Elain was.

I don't really know that I have anything else to add to that conversation, because people either think it was romantic or it wasn't. But I will say that I assume we can all agree on all sides that the bonus chapter is what led to the fervor of the G/wynriel ship as G/wyn quite literally replacing Elain as the romantic interest and not just a fun, enjoyable ship for those who don't jive with Elriel and want to carve out a space for themselves in the fandom. And as someone who has read all of SJM's bonus chapters and not just this one, I'm going to provide side by side comparisons using *only* bonus chapters that I can almost guarantee many people have not read- since most people don't read the bonus chapters. I still get comments on old tiktoks every day asking what the Azriel bonus chapter is and where to find it. And not once have I ever been asked about the myriad of other BC's out there.

Crescent City Spoilers ahead:

House of Sky and Breath has three bonus chapters. There is one in particular that is almost a carbon copy of G/wyn and Azriel's portion in his POV bonus, and it is the Tharion POV chapter with Hypaxia:

^^Both men head to a place where they assumed they would be alone, minds heavy and restless and needing to work off some tension before they could sleep- only to find their space already occupied.

^^They both flounder a bit with social niceties, awkwardness, being polite, the other person clearly wanting to be alone, and yet wind up falling into a conversation anyway.

^^ Both pairs experience surprise at being asked questions no one has ever asked them before. They also reveal information about themselves- and notably- both bonus chapters reveal heavy backstory or indications about unique or hidden powers.

^^ Both men experience some sort of lingering sensation that they could have sworn was happening after saying goodnight.

And last but not least:

Both Tharion and Azriel end on a particularly strong emotional note. Tharion is passing notes through Fitz back and forth with Hypaxia. He notes how he has never had such an instant, honest, and deep connection. He won't let anyone interfere with her birthright, and if she was in danger, he would risk everything he had to protect Hypaxia.

Azriel is secretly regifting a necklace to Gwyn, and feels truly happy at the thought that it might make her happy. He likes and respects her and is glad to think of being able to make her smile. (I of course think there is a reason for this, which I've broken down here but I also don't think it's necessary to minimize their friendship for this post.)

If you look at these two bonus chapters side by side, they are literally a copy and paste. Two people needing to be alone and winding up together, talking about things they have never talked about anyone with, and both men really powerfully feeling the strength and depth of a connection. And if you read Tharion's chapter in full, there are actually way more details of him talking about how beautiful and gorgeous she is, and how he has to stop himself from going down that road. But did this set up Hypaxia and Tharion as romantic love interests?

Nope. Hypaxia is queer as queer can be. Kitty only on her menu. But they develop a very genuine and close friendship. Because the thing is, SJM writes an incredible amount of deep and meaningful friendships between men and women. And they are always a blend of emotion, intimacy, a bit fun and flirty, full of banter, and true trust and connection. So as far as BC's, Azriel and G/wyn and Tharion and Hypaxia are the only comparable ones in her catalogue. And they are pretty damn comparable. It's also important to note that the Tharion and Hypaxia bonus chapter was included in the book where she is very much revealed as 100% queer and not even a little bi, so it's not like SJM was trying to create a red herring or a conversation. That's just how she writes her hetero platonic friendships. Take it up with her, man.

Meanwhile, the things that make it clear that a romantic interest is being introduced occurs in the Elain portion, and can be directly compared to the Nessian bonus chapter. Both men being willing to beg on their knees for a taste. Both men absolutely losing their minds over Elain and Nesta's scents. Both men knowing it was wrong, it was stupid, but being unable to stop themselves anyway. Both men having issues of what their family would think if they found out introduced (only Rhys DID find out and laid down that forbidden romance hard.)

Here's the thing- many people read Elain and Azriel as romantic for over four books and there were people out there like, nah, I don't see it, they are more like brother and sister. And then the bonus chapter confirmed, no, actually, they are wildly down bad and desperate for each other. Wanting to taste and touch and kiss each other- romantic interest confirmation. Fun and banter-y conversation occurring because two people needed to be alone but actually wound up in the same vicinity as someone else and had a deep conversation and talked about things they've never spoken about with anyone before-Platonic friendship. You can disagree. But it doesn't change the fact that right now, a group of fans are interpreting G/wyn and Azriel's interactions as romantic, and preferring it to Elain and Azriel's confirmed romantic interactions.

Sarah did not add G/wyn as a love interest and complicate things. The fandom did. Until Azriel is not sleeping, not thinking clearly, down bad desperate to get on his knees for G/wyn- and until G/wyn leans into his touch and says yes, they are actually currently friends. Could that change in the future? Totally. But Sarah literally has not written it yet.

I don't mind that the G/wyn ship exists. I love her. I have real life G/wynriel friends who are not online like we are. They are good people with good hearts who have different taste in Azriel's potential romance than me. They don't ride at dawn for Elain like I do, nor are they violently misogynistic against her or being toxic and hateful towards other women online. They just liked G/wyn's story and want more of her. That's okay. But it is important to pay attention to what has actually been written vs. what is being assumed by a group of people that openly dislike the only female character remaining with a confirmed book and who has been confirmed as a love interest.

Read Sarah's other bonus chapters! They are fun. Azriel's isn't the only one that has ever existed, but it seems like that sometimes (and I'll admit, it's amazing and I love it so fair). And nothing happened in the bonus chapter that is going to change the course or foreshadow to anything new. Not everyone has access to them, and bonus chapters do not create new plot. They are just an incentive to make money and secure pre-orders.

I think that's everything! You guys are awesome for reading these insanely long posts and vibing with me here. ily.

[everythingmp3]

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭

Tess Servopoulos x fem!reader

AO3 / part 1

after spending the whole summer apart, you finally get to reunite with Tess. nobody has any idea what you are up to as you spend a whole week together.

authors note: thank you to everyone who gave me such lovely feedback on crossing lines! a few people asked for a continuation, so I went back to this story and I am really glad I did bc it’s close to my heart and I had a lot of fun developing it further. this one is heavy on the romantic aspect bc I wanted it to be joyful and light and to function as a kind of escape for anyone who might need it! I put a lot of thought and time into this, it’s a labour of love, so I really hope you guys enjoy reading it <3

warnings: minors dni. smut (both giving and receiving), large age gap bc reader is in her early 20s Tess is in her early/mid 40s

word count: 25k

as predicted, the two weeks that Tess stayed in your hometown went by in a flash.

fourteen days sounded like a decent amount of time, but the number of hours that you actually spent together one-on-one was very limited. you tried your best, some evenings you´d go over to the place where she was staying and got lost in the heat of the chemistry you had, during those moments it was pure bliss, Tess was a devoted lover and made you feel wanted in ways you´d hardly allowed yourself to dream of before, but you could not stay the night more than a few times, since the excuse of “sleeping over a friend´s house” would have made Joel suspicious if used it too often. it frustrated you that you were so restricted in your movement with her, that you couldn´t go out and get lunch because you knew too many people around town who also knew him, it was hard not to grow frustrated those days because you wanted nothing more than to spend entire days with her, free of the anxiety of who might see or judge you.

one rather nerve wracking event happened a week into her stay: Joel suggested that you should all get dinner together. it was not as unbearable and awkward as you´d have expected, but still, it was hard to sit across the table from her all night pretending like you didn´t wanna touch her or kiss her or look at her with more than polite interest. for her it was just as hard to keep her gaze on him when he talked, while you were so close, your skin glowing beautifully, the memory of its feeling against hers clouding her mind with desire. towards the end of the dinner Tess excused herself to go to the bathroom because she had to catch a break, the heat of the summer day mixing with the heat of her need for you, leaving her a total mess by the end of the night, even more greedy for the taste of you the next time you both found yourselves alone. the one perk of being unfree in your expression of affection was how violently you made up for it when you reunited, more than once you´d sat on the edge of your bed at night, touching the bites and marks she´d left on your inner thighs, your chest, all the places where nobody would be able to see, a satisfied grin on your face when you pressed down on the sensitive spots and felt a slight pain, the lingering impact of her lips, her teeth, her hunger. 

at times it did feel strange to lie to your father´s face, especially when he came home from hanging out with her, talking about what they´d done and seen, blissfully unaware of the things you two had done the night before; the constant sneaking around and hiding of your true feelings did make it harder at times to fully enjoy the feeling of being so obsessed with each other, that early stage of no amount of touch being enough, and yet you still soaked up all of the warmth and joy you could during the few times where you could just lay in bed together and forget about the outside world. 

the morning she was going to drive back home, you told Joel you were “seeing a friend for breakfast” and then spent a very emotionally charged hour with her, which looking back almost embarrassed you a little because you´d sobbed quite violently in her arms once it was time to say goodbye. you usually didn´t cry in front of others but you couldn´t help it that day, you´d grown so comfortable around her and she´d made you feel so seen for who you really were, that being separated from her for weeks on end seemed like a nightmare. she put on a slightly braver face, holding your hand and kissing your tear stained cheeks as she told you in an earnest manner “we´ll see each other at the end of August, alright? you´ll come visit and we´ll do whatever we want, but in the meantime you should enjoy your summer. you better have some fun stories to tell me when we see each other again, okay?”, followed by a brief moment of silence and a tentative nod from you, trying to cling to the knowledge that you´d eventually reunite. 

the days after Tess´s departure you tried your best not to let it show that it had affected you, but you knew you weren´t concealing it well, so you pretended you were a little under the weather and spent some time in bed, sulking and being dramatic about your lovesickness. 

almost immediately after Tess was back home you two developed a routine. it was clear as day that she was not a great texter so you called each other about every other day, mostly at night because then neither of you were in a rush, laying in bed and catching each other up on what you´d done that day, her offering some gossip about coworkers, you offering some about people from high school you´d run into, asking more personal questions that you hadn´t thought of before, comforting each other whenever you´d had a rough day, teasing each other a lot, making the best of your less than ideal situation of being miles and miles apart.

generally, your calls were calm and relaxed but during one of them, when it had gotten particularly late and her voice was even raspier and lower in your ear than usual, the sudden silence on your side and your labored breaths gave away what you were trying to do, she paused for a moment before she asked “are you getting off to my voice right now?” which made you stop immediately, but after a brief laugh she added “no come on, it´s okay, let me help you out there”. from the moment you had first kissed her, you had never been shy with her about how much you liked her but in moments like that it did take her a moment to believe it, that you were truly that into her, enough to get turned on just from hearing her speak. it was both endearing and thrilling to her, to be lusted after that overtly.

she´d never talked anyone through it over the phone but Tess liked a challenge, so she thought about what you might want her to say and continued speaking, telling you how pretty you looked when you´re all worked up and desperate, what she´d do if she was there next to you, her tone soft and sultry, so she didn´t have to keep doing it for long, after a while of getting into it she could hear a sound that signaled to her that you were done, a sense of cockiness swelling up in her. a moment after you said “you should feel really good about yourself”, she smiled which you could hear from the way she spoke, of course she knew what you meant but she liked teasing you, “oh yeah? why?”, “why? Tess. I miss you so much that I´m doing shit like this” she laughed then, “well, we´re in a similar spot then”, “are you saying you jerk off thinking about me?” you teased back, “take a wild guess sweetheart”. 

that night you had various feverish dreams about her, inspired by what had happened over the phone mere minutes before you fell asleep, which left you spaced out and distracted the next day, haunted by the visions you´d had of her mixed with the actual real life memories that were utter torture to think of. it happened pretty often in the following weeks that you had to ask someone to repeat themselves because you were busy thinking of her; Tess on the other hand was eyed curiously by a few of her friends and colleagues because they sensed an unfamiliar ease in her, she smiled more than usual, she was less irritable and snapped at people way less frequently than before, to a point where her closest friend straight up asked “okay. who is she?” over dinner one night because she knew that Tess could only be magically changed like that by a pretty intense infatuation. 

towards the end of summer it was thankfully rather explain to Joel why you wanted to go back to college early, you made something up about getting into the groove of things before classes started and he was just glad to see you eager to get back to your life there because the year before you´d sometimes seemed a little fed up with everything. as long as you were happy he was happy but of course, the true source of your happiness might have changed his mind in that instance. lucky for you, he had not caught on about the fact that your enthusiasm had absolutely nothing to do with your academic life. the plan you and Tess had come up with was a simple one: you´d fly back to your college town and from there you could take a train to Tess´s city that would take about two hours, which meant you´d get there in the early evening if everything went according to plan. 

she told you she´d park just down the road of the station and the moment you spotted her from a distance it reminded you of the first time you´d met: she was leaning against the passenger door the exact same way, but this time a bright smile crept onto her face as soon she saw you walking towards her. what she did then was very typically Tess, she didn´t walk or run over to you but let you come close to her, those subtle displays of dominance that suited her well, watching your slightly tired but utterly joyful expression as you approached her, waiting until you were only a few feet away from her to finally stand up and open her arms. the second she did that you dropped your bags and swung your arms around her neck, immediately nuzzling your face against her neck and making a sound of excitement as she picked you up with her familiar strong grip, lifting you from the ground for a second, wrapping her arms tightly around your back as you breathed in her scent, her hair soft against your face, the fragrance of her shampoo reminding you of the times you´d been in bed with her and had gotten an intoxicating whiff of it. “my sweet girl” she said as she kept holding you. neither of you wanted to let go, so you stayed like that for about a minute, wordlessly embracing and touching, eyes closed, melting into each other, instantly as comfortable as you´d been the last time you´d been that close two months prior. eventually you let go and faced each other, somehow there was an agreement that you´d wait to kiss until you could do it properly, passionately, in private, so you held her hand instead and waited for her to speak, beaming at her, overjoyed by the thought of having a whole week with her ahead of you, trying to soak up the bliss of that long awaited reunion, the sun casting you in a golden glow that matched the warm feeling you both felt in your chests. 

she looked at you with soft eyes and touched your cheek with her free hand, caressing you the way she´d done countless times before, you breathing out deeply as you leaned into it because that simple gesture alone put your whole body at ease. “you´ve had a long day, right? are you tired now?” a subtle sound of concern, you smiled at her, still processing that she was actually in front of you again, somehow even more beautiful than you  remembered, her hair slightly ruffled from the breeze, her face bronzed and freckled from the weeks of sun before, “well I was tired until like a minute ago, but now I´m wide awake”. she grabbed you by your waist then, enjoying your flirting, holding onto you, “good, that´s what I hoped. so how about we go home first, you can freshen up, relax, and then we can go get some dinner, how does that sound?”, “perfect, ideal” you said, leaning in to kiss her cheek while whispering “I missed you, so much”, an obvious statement but you felt the need to remind her, her hands lingering on your back as she let you press your lips against her face, “I missed you too. I´m glad to have you all to myself this week”. she took your bags from you and put them into the trunk, joining you in the car a few seconds after and it felt good to be back in that seat next to her since that was where your whole relationship had started, where you´d spent the first few hours of knowing each other, it reminded you of the fun you´d had with her during the beginning of summer, the nervousness before you dared to go for it, so it was a cute full circle moment, to be right back in that same spot.

“ah I missed this, your shameless staring” she said, grinning as she pulled out of the parking spot and felt your gaze fixed on the right side of her face, you´d gotten comfortable and were eyeing her with clear desire, unwilling to mask any of it. “well, you might get sick of it by the end of the week”, she shook her head, “no, never. oh by the way, here, I thought you might need something like this”, she directed your attention to the drink holders between you, which held two of the refreshments she´d seen you go for most often. “didn´t know which one you´d prefer right now so I just got both”, it was one of the things about her that had won you over from the start, her way of paying attention to even the smallest things, her way of reminding you that she cared about the details, “oh thank you, that´s really sweet”, you said as you took a big sip of one of the cold drinks, but Tess never wanted any praise for her little acts of service because she saw it as the most natural thing in the world, so she changed the subject. 

“so, be honest, was it weird? lying to him about all this?” she knew that it was no small thing, to lie to Joel that blatantly about going back to college when you were actually visiting her for a whole week, so she made sure you were still fine with it. “oh it was okay. we get a little pissed off with each other when we spend so many weeks in one house, so I think that helped with me not feeling too bad”, she nodded, an amused expression “right, I get that, good to have some distance now I assume?”. “yeah for sure. but not just because of him, I was honestly just glad to be leaving home now”, that intrigued her, “oh yeah? how come?”, a sympathetic tone, you thought about it “I don´t love spending that much time back where I grew up. now that I have my own life, coming back there sometimes makes me feel so out of place and weird.. like running into old friends and seeing all the places I used to spend my time, it can get suffocating after a while, all those memories and old feelings”. Tess made a sound of agreement, “yeah I get that, I avoid going back to my hometown, I used to do it more when I was younger but I only do Christmas now, that´s it. sometimes you just outgrow a place and it feels odd as hell to return, huh?”, you nodded, “exactly yes”, she hardly ever talked about her family so you knew it meant something for her to share that information, you didn´t press her further, still, it made you feel understood and seen in a way.

“so, this might be a good moment to say thank you for letting me come here” she tried to wave it off but you insisted “no, really! I can´t tell you how nice it is to be able to leave early without having to go back to my everyday life already. you´re kind of saving my life by giving me this in between, I already feel lighter right now, like I can breathe out again”, she grabbed your hand, squeezing it a little, “well I´m glad, I want you to let go of everything and just enjoy this week okay? I´ll take good care of you” she meant it, she felt protective over you and wanted nothing more than to offer you an escape from whatever might be weighing on you, “oh, I´m sure you will”, you said, a suggestiveness to your words that made her laugh then, “okay, I wasn´t just talking about that kind of care but sure, that too”. there was palpable tension between you, you could both feel it as you kept glancing at each other, Tess was wearing something you hadn´t seen her in yet, the temperature was warm but not too hot so she´d opted for black pants that hugged her body perfectly paired with an oversized navy t-shirt that left her forearms exposed, you were also dressed in something that was unfamiliar to her, which left you in a similar state of wanting to get your hands under the fabric already. a charged silence hung between you as she pulled into her street and interrupted your shared moment of fantasizing, “this is it” she announced, pointing at her house as she looked for an empty spot.

“okay wow...” you said, clearly stunned. the street was picturesque: tall buildings, beautiful architecture, five story houses with little iron balconies out front, a row of lush trees on either side of the street that cast pretty shadows onto the sidewalk. the area seemed both urban and peaceful, it was very close to the center of the city so there were little shops and cafes further down the block that were busy during that time of day, she was pleased by your reaction, the nervousness about having you stay with her was fading by the second. “you know what. I think I should just drop out and come live here, be your trophy girlfriend” you joked as you both exited the car and you got a good look at your surroundings, she laughed as she got your bags for you, charmed by your enthusiasm, secretly into the idea of having you with her for good  “enticing offer, truly, I´ll think about it”

as you walked up the stairs to her apartment, you noticed how nice even just the hallway was, the ground floor had mosaic tiles, the stairs seemed about a century old, sturdy and almost like something you´d find in an old library, you turned to Tess who was walking behind you, “is it possible that you´re hiding the fact that you´re kind of rich?”, which she could only laugh at, “I wish. rent-control, baby, that´s the reason I´ve been living here for ten years, I couldn´t afford places in this area if I moved here now. but feel free to believe that I am secretly rich, I don´t mind”. 

by the time she let you in, you were slightly out of breath, steading yourself against the wall as she dropped your bags on the floor and closed the door, giving you only a brief second to recover before she grabbed your face with determination and kissed you, deeply this time, her hands holding your face as she pushed you further against the wall, eager, kissing you in a way that was not elegant or pretty but messy with all the pent up tension, her taste still familiar to you, even after all those weeks, hot and slightly sweet against your tongue, your skin tingling where her knee brushed yours as she had you against the wall, a series of desperate but pleased sounds leaving both of you until you eventually got dizzy with the heat of it and separated, smiling bright while you stood there breathing even heavier than before.

“so” she said, her lips a deeper shade of pink than before, “I think I should give you a tour of your home for the week now, right? be a good host”, you nodded, smiling to yourself, realizing that you hadn´t even taken a look around yet. Tess lead you to her bedroom first to drop off your stuff there and it was just what you´d imagined it to be: minimal but elegant, nothing showy, no bright colors, but an impressively large bed for one person with very comfortable looking sheets, the same dark wooden floor you´d already noticed outside the room that gave her whole space an expensive, chic feel. there was not much clutter at all, she was obviously a neat person, you could tell that she took good care of the few belongings that she cherished, no clothes over her chair, no trinkets on the dresser, nothing left laying around where it didn´t belong. still, the room had a distinctly warm and inviting feel to it, you could already imagine how well you´d sleep in there and she was glad to read the enthusiasm in your expression; Tess was only human, so naturally she´d worried about what you´d think of her place, if you´d feel comfortable staying there for a while, but those thoughts were quickly replaced by relief when she saw no hesitation on your part as you moved around, quite the opposite, you seemed elated.

Tess quickly showed you where the bathroom was but didn´t have much to say about it, so instead she lead you to the room that took up most of her apartment: her living room that was connected to the kitchen, a bright open space, one that made it easy imagine her throwing dinner parties there, which she probably rarely did, but still, the understated chicness of the place lent itself to fantasies. the thing that struck you most about her apartment was that it got a ton lot of beautiful natural light, it had tall ceilings and big windows, so during that early evening hour you were spoiled with a glow of orange-golden sunlight, two windowed doors opening up to her balcony, which looked like a lovely place to spend summer nights. it was very obvious that the apartment belonged to a person who was not that easy to figure out just by taking a look around, it fit her personality, that you wouldn´t have been able to guess much about her just by judging the interior design, other than the fact that she had good taste. 

eventually Tess reached the end of what she had to show you, so she got comfortable on the couch and patted the space next to her, looking up at you with an inviting smile, but as you stepped closer you shook your head and lowered yourself onto her lap instead, your arm around her neck as she put hers around your lower back to steady you, glad about the fact that you still seemed just as physically comfortable with her as you´d been in June. 

you held onto her as you smiled at her, taking a look at her pretty eyes from up close as you said, “I just realized I haven´t asked you a thing about the stuff that matters yet. so, how are you, really? is it still stressful at work? you mentioned something last week, I was kinda worried” you purposely put on the tone that a wife using to comfort her tired spouse after a long day at work, it charmed her, she thought about it for a moment as her hands wandered up and down your back.“oh I´m okay, sweetie, really, it´s getting better now. for a minute they were just giving me more and more shit to do because I get things done faster than the others. maybe I should start slacking off a little.. but yeah it´s good to have a break now. the thought of you coming here kinda kept me going last week” that made you feel warm but also evoked some sympathy, you exaggerated a little with your pity as you answered  “poor thing” brushing a strand of her hair out of her face, eyeing her with tenderness, “I wish I could have been here and cooked for you or something, helped you out a little” she smiled imagining it, “hm, I´d have liked that”. “well I´m here now, I´ll help you relax this week, don´t you worry” your hands on her shoulders then, squeezing a little, gently massaging her muscles there for a moment, a pleased sigh from her as she shut her eyes, “god, I forgot how sweet you are..” you stared at her, tilting your head, “forgot?? I guess I´ll have to leave more of an impression this time”, a grin as you said this, still moving your fingers over the fabric of her shirt, she nodded, already fully back under your spell again, “feel free to overdo it, yes”. 

she didn´t have to tell you that twice. you moved your legs to go from sitting on her to straddling her and leaned down to kiss her neck, gently at first, but quickly getting lost in the sensation of her scent, her soft skin, feeling her struggle to stay quiet and still under you until her patience wore thin and she needed more, so she tugged at the bottom of your shirt to signal to you to let her pull it off. the moment you leaned back again, she did just that, pulling it off and throwing it to the side before she grabbed you and kissed your chest, a low humming sound of pleasure, your hands around her neck as she put her lips to the soft skin right above your bra, biting it lightly because she couldn´t keep her desperation for you inside. you did her a favor and removed your underwear, so she could do what she really wanted, to get her mouth on your tits, messy and needy as she moved you from her legs to your back onto the couch, leaning down and covering your whole chest and stomach in wet kisses, overcome with all the desire she´d kept at bay during the time she had to manage being separated from you, your breathing interrupted by satisfied sighs. you spent about half an hour just making out on her couch like that, grabbing and biting and caressing each other in a feverish state of “I missed you” passion, and yet, holding off with actually fucking because you both knew you´d want to really take your time and do it properly later that evening, perhaps also because you liked the idea of getting hot for each other during dinner, having that leftover bit of anticipation, drawing it out a few more hours to savor the intense longing you´d both gotten so used to. 

eventually, you suggested that you should probably go take a shower and get changed. you were eager to look as good as possible in her presence, so she showed you where she kept her towels and left you to it, getting herself a drink from the fridge and opening the balcony door to sit there with a breeze against her face as she smiled to herself, unable to hide how giddy she was over the fact that she finally had the girl she wanted back in her life,  many days and nights to look forward to.

once you were out of the shower you wrapped yourself in a big towel and went back to her bedroom to get dressed, still high on the surreal feeling of being in her space, daydreaming about becoming part of it, not just for a week. as you looked at all the tops you´d brought with you, none of them stood out to, so you got an idea and stepped closer to the door to call out to Tess, “what is it?” she answered from the living room, “come, help me with something”, so she did what she was told. Tess didn´t walk into the room but stopped in the door frame for a second to take in the sight of you in your underwear and jeans “damn, I could get used to this” she said, looking you up and down, her arms crossed, you smiled at her, a sudden tingling sensation on your exposed skin where her gaze was resting.

“can I wear one of your shirts? please?” you asked, batting your eyelashes at her but you didn´t even have to convince her, she loved the idea of seeing you in her clothes, “sure, yeah, come here” she said, waving you over as she walked to her closet and opened the doors for you, “nothing´s off limits, pick whatever you want” so you started scanning the various fabrics as she watched you, absentmindedly tracing your upper body with her fingers, all the parts of you that were yet to be covered, the softness of your freshly showered skin making her space out until you said “okay, let´s try this one”. 

you stepped in front of the full length mirror next to her closet and pulled the black long sleeve shirt that you´d picked out over your head, it was light enough for summer nights and fit you well, you fussed with your hair as she stepped behind you, she could tell that you were trying to find a fault with your appearance, so her arms found their way around your waist, pulling you back into herself as she looked ahead at the reflection of you both, her head resting on your shoulder, “you´re so pretty” she cooed before leaning in and lightly kissing your neck, turned on from the sight of you in something that was hers. you smiled and closed your eyes as she started feeling you up, “we won´t make it to dinner if you keep doing that” you sighed, so she laughed and restrained herself, letting you go and walking over to her bedside table to touch up her perfume, hearing you utter “god that smells so good..” the second it hit your nose, because even just a hint of her signature scent was enough to make you feel dizzy. Tess looked pleased, well aware of that effect, recalling the times you´d basically licked her neck with pure greed, not acknowledging your comment but announcing her plans instead “okay so, there´s this great Thai place about fifteen minutes from here, it´s my favorite spot, so much so that I actually never take people there because I like that it´s my secret thing, but I´d like show it to you”, you smiled, “so, I´m an exception?”, she nodded “absolutely yes”, somehow you could tell that she wasn´t just saying it to charm you, that you did occupy a special place in her life. “sounds good to me, I´m starving so I´ll be very easy to impress”, “okay great, come on then”. you both exited the bedroom and collected your things before stepping out, both giddy with the excitement of having a proper date night for the first time since getting together, no time limit, no rush, total freedom. 

the atmosphere that night was idyllic, it was that distinct late summer feel, a warmth that was pleasant but not too heavy, the sun setting earlier than those bright weeks in June, casting the sky in a muted blue, little accents of orange from the glow of the streetlights, the sound of people chatting and getting drinks after a long day, a collective sense of slow ease in the city as you linked arms and started walking. usually, Tess kept her head down when she made her way through those streets, she was the type to just zone out and wear headphones all the way to her destinations, never looking at her hometown with much generosity, lost in a dull routine, but your presence was changing things for her; she found herself falling back in love with where she lived because she saw how much you were enjoying yourself, it was rubbing off on her, the way you looked around and pointed out all the details she usually passed by without thinking twice. for years Tess had refused to be present in her life, after a few very painful years she´d decided to just give up on excitement, on chasing thrills and had numbed herself as best as she could, pushing herself into a state of hardness that left her cut off from most strong feelings. she told herself it was better that way, to remain detached and untouchable, but you had come along and were helping her come out of that state. you´d given her a reason to feel again, to come back into her body, to be in touch with her senses and the world again, for the first time in ages she felt completely present, glad to be exactly where she was in life. as she thought all of this you could feel her pulling you closer, shoulder to shoulder, you´d missed it terribly all summer, those casual intimacies with her. 

during your walk to the restaurant she gave you the inside scoop on a lot of the places you passed: her favorite spot for coffee, a cinema that she frequented, a bar that she might take you to later that week, the entire time you were listening intently, buzzing with the joy of being let into her life like that. 

the place was located in a small alley that branched out from the bigger street you´d been walking down, so it was quiet and secluded, the kind of place that didn´t need a bunch of fancy decorations to lure people in, a lowkey but cozy vibe, a few lanterns hanging outside, little candles burning on the tables, vases with little fresh flowers around the room. you decided to sit inside because the doors were open anyway and a few couples were already sitting out on the terrace, so a table indoors would offer a little more privacy. the room was dimly lit and a delicious smell was stirring your hunger, a few workers busy behind the bar with making drinks, soft music playing over the speakers as a kind waitress showed you to a table placed two menus in front of you.

“so, go ahead and tell me what´s good here” you said, leaning your head on your hands while looking at her expectantly. “well I have my usual order but how about we share a few things so you can try more of them? we can take whatever we can´t finish home”, that sounded good to you, so you ended up deciding on both a noodle and rice dish, some homemade spring rolls, dumplings with chili sauce, and two peach iced teas, which she advertised as the best you´d ever have. 

as you waited for the food she pulled your hands over the table, holding them as you both stared at each other lovingly. “I honestly can´t believe I´m actually here now” you said, “yeah me neither” she agreed while you both interlaced your fingers, almost like you had to touch the other person to be sure you weren´t dreaming. “can I be real for a second?” you asked, “please, yes”. you laughed to yourself before going on “I honestly went kind of insane this summer because of you”, Tess smiled then, not having expected that “should I apologize?”, of course she didn´t feel sorry at all, you shook your head, “I just need you to know how serious I am about this. like I have truly never felt this way, it was all day, all night, I couldn´t think of anything else to be honest”. usually Tess was not one to admit her intense feelings to others, especially not romantically, but in that moment she didn´t feel scared to do it, she wanted you to know that it was not one-sided, that obsessiveness you were describing,“yeah I was going through something similar, people caught on very quickly about what was going on with me, which says a lot because I´d like to think of myself as hard to read. but yeah, apparently it was written all over my face when I thought about you” you liked the sound of that,“really?”, “yeah, someone straight up asked me who “she” is because it was so obvious”, you were thrilled by the idea of someone as calm and collected as her being so shaken up by you, “and what did you say?” you inquired, leaning forward.

“oh the truth of course, that I´m having an affair with my friend´s college age daughter”, her dry delivery of that made you laugh then, “affair? that sounds scandalous”, she kept looking at you, “well I hate to break it to you but this kind of is sweetheart”. she was right of course, but it did slip your mind at times how odd your involvement might seem to others, since it felt so right and natural to you. “so, is that a turn on for you? that this is kinda fucked up?” you teased, looking at her with a challenging grin as she leaned back and eyed you in a way that brought color to your cheeks, a pregnant pause on her part before answering “no comment.”, a smugness to her expression that gave away what the actual answer was. 

once the dishes were in front of you, she had a lot of fun getting you to try everything first, she wanted to watch your reaction before joining you in eating, and she was not disappointed, you clearly loved all of it, after a full day of travel a meal like that was exhilarating, the sauces were seasoned just right, thick and savory, the dumplings tasted divine, soft and pillowy, practically melting on your tongue, the iced tea was perfect, a great contrast to the heat of the spicy meal. Tess had a thing for watching you eat, her way of loving you was largely based on wanting you to feel good, in every sense of the word, so seeing you take pleasure in something, whether that be her touch, her words, her attention, or the things she gave you to eat and drink, it all made her feel like she was doing a good job; to her being your lover meant more than just having sex with you or spending time with you, she thought of it as her responsibility to make sure that her presence was actively bettering your life, your well being, so a dinner like that where you said things like “this might be the best meal I´ve had in years” made her heart swell. at her core, Tess wanted to feel like she had a purpose, and despite how closed off she might have seemed to those around her all her life, she´d always been the type to go looking for that kind of fulfillment in devotion to another person, the kind that is so deep and visceral and sacred that it almost seems sacrilegious to speak of it to other people. it seemed unthinkable for her to try and explain to someone else what you meant to her. 

after you both put your utensils down and sipped the rest of your drinks, she had something on her mind, “can I ask you something?”, a gentle tone,“sure yes”. she thought about how to word it for a second, you leaned your head on your hand as you waited for her to speak. “you weren´t with many people before me, right?” you shook your head “no”. you saw no point in lying to her, you wanted her to know you and she was glad that you trusted her. “well, I was just wondering, is it strange for you sometimes, that you´re having these experiences with someone much older? you can be honest with me, really, I can handle it” the seriousness with which she said that touched you, it was clear that she wanted to make sure that you were comfortable, that you knew you could talk to her openly.

 “it´s sweet of you to ask but no, not at all. I was actually thinking about this recently, the fact that I feel more like myself around you than with the people I tried to date in college. it just never clicked, I always felt like I was putting on an act, you know? but with you it was so easy from the beginning. I never felt awkward or weird around you, it was freeing in that way. i mean, it still is, so no, it doesn´t feel strange” she could tell that you meant it and it put her at ease, you played with the straw of your drink as you added “I do sometimes have thoughts about my age too, because I never want you to get bored or anything, since I´m less experienced in many ways”, she sensed that there was a hint of insecurity in there and she was puzzled by it “okay that is nonsense, really. trust me, I have been with “experienced” women and that doesn´t mean shit, some of them had no idea how to treat a partner or how to be a decent person in general. they could learn a thing or two from you, believe me, you´re a dream to be with”, you smiled at her, charmed by that answer, reaching out to caress her forearm, “also, just to add to your question, it should be pretty obvious to you that I don´t care about your age because you´re fucking hot”, she laughed then, shaking her head, flattered by your ever so shameless way of lusting after her “okay, sure, let´s not act like saints here, I also wouldn´t have invited you to my place if I didn´t wanna fuck you”, she said it that way on purpose to mess with you a little, grinning at you as your face briefly got colored in shock. “okay I see, that´s how it is” you responded, but of course you didn´t mind one bit, it felt good to get back into that familiar thing of trying to catch each other off guard with out of pocket comments.

eventually she got the bill, she wouldn´t have let you pay even a fraction of it in a million years, and you both made your way back outside. by that time it was dark and the air had gotten chilly, so she made sure to wrap her arm tightly around you as you walked back to her apartment, but before you could reach her place her attention got caught by something. “oh, I forgot about this place”, you followed her gaze and saw that she was looking at a shop across the street, “they have this really fancy ice cream, it´s a little overprized but worth it. you want some?” she asked, “yeah sure!”. it was hard to pick because the flavors all sounded uniquely delicious, but you eventually settled on salted caramel while she got a dark chocolate raspberry mix, conveniently there was an empty bench right next to the store, so you sat down and got comfortable while tasting the desert and nodding at each other in approval as the intense flavor spread on your tongues. 

“yeah this is it” you said, immediately going in for more. she had her arm behind your back on the bench and watched what was going on around you for a while, before her attention was drawn to your mouth. you had no idea what she was thinking as you licked the ice cream but the sight of your tongue swirling around like that, the undeniable erotic quality of those movements, it made her rethink her attitude towards getting head from you. previously she´d almost always been the giver, you´d gotten her off here and there and you´d made it clear to her that you´d enjoy doing more for her, but she had yet to take you up on the offer, perhaps because she was scared of being vulnerable in that way, but as she kept watching you devour the slowly melting ice cream, your lips glistening from it, she couldn´t help but feel a heat between her legs as she imagined how it would feel to have your tongue on her, to have you savoring her taste. Tess was not one to lose her composure easily but she was getting impatient, she felt a violent need building up inside of her that was bordering on the unbearable, so she cleared her throat before announcing “I think we should go home.”, a weight to the words that made you turn to face her, the moment you locked eyes with her you could tell what she was actually saying, which was I need to get my hands on you right now. so you kept your answer brief “okay” and let her pull you up. 

both of you were quiet and walked significantly faster than earlier, there had been a build-up of desire for weeks, countless dreams of each other, countless hours of aching for each other´s touch, and in that moment it came crashing over both of you in full force. the hours before it had been on a low simmer but in that moment it boiled over and you were struck by a need for each other that was so deep and intense that you almost had trouble breathing as you hurried up the stairs to her apartment. 

the moment the door was shut behind you, she dragged you to her bedroom and you couldn´t help but smile from being wanted that desperately. she barely managed to switch on her bedside lamp before she turned back to you and kissed you hard, her hands on the sides of your face, a whimpering sound from you as you felt your whole body burning up for her; you both started fumbling with each other´s clothes immediately, almost ripping them off until you were left in your underwear, allowing yourselves a moment of admiring the other person´s physique in the dim light, your eyes drawn to her broad shoulders, her strong upper arms, the way her hair was falling down over them in waves, her eyes drawn to your stomach, your hips, that space right above your thighs she was dying to grab. you quickly pulled each other close to kiss again, feverishly and sloppier than before while she pushed you towards the bed, you were grabbing each other all over, wherever your hands landed, a force to the way your fingers dug into each other´s flesh that got you more and more worked up, it was pure bliss to finally have it back, that dizzying passion.

Tess backed you up onto the mattress, you were flat on your back then as she climbed over you and pinned your arms down at your sides, her fresh musky fragrance clouding your mind as you looked up at her and sighed “don´t hold back, please”, she always had to be careful with leaving marks while you were in your hometown, but now you were free, so she lost no time and abandoned restraint, kissing you all over your neck, sucking and biting the soft skin that she´d missed so terribly, your skin various shades of red in certain places, soaking up the sounds you were making, a mix between sighs and moans, not too loud yet but definitely getting there as she moved down to your chest. during the times you´d fucked before you´d always done it in a rush, worried your time was running out, but in that moment it was completely different, after she left your neck raw from having her way with you, you both hastily got rid of your underwear, you climbed on top of her, flush against each other, chest to chest as you made out, her hands roaming all over your body, switching between squeezing and caressing, yours next to her face as you got lost in the heat of the full body contact, the overwhelming sensuality, doing things that you hadn´t thought of doing before, kissing her arm all the way down, taking the time to taste every part of her that you´d spent so much time staring at, which was driving her insane, feeling your soft lips tender on her hand, briefly taking her fingers in your mouth, a low sound of pleasure from her as you messily licked over her stomach, her tits, leaving a trail of spit until you reached her throat and eventually put your lips back to hers, obsecene with it, open mouthed and moaning as your tongues met, your hands in her hair, both moving your hips as you kissed, increasingly desperate to do more, to release the tension that had built up at your core; without even consciously trying to, you ended up in a position that allowed you to rub up against each other, you still on top of her, grinding against her as your wetness mixed with hers and got you both to a point of pathetic whining very quickly, your palms flat on her chest for support as she stared at you in awe, her hands firm at your sides, both of you suddenly overcome with the need to sigh sweet things to each other, a constant echo of, “you´re so pretty” , “I missed you so much”, “you feel so good”, wrapping each other in the comfort of those words as you felt yourselves throbbing from the constant friction, the slick feeling of the other person´s heat against your own, the divine sensation whenever you found just the right angle and rocked back and forth like that, moaning in unison. eventually you locked eyes as you felt that you might cum at the same time, so you leaned down and breathed into each other´s open mouths as you finished, too far gone too kiss properly, remaining like that and clinging to each other out of breath. 

Tess was gripped by the need to have you on her fingers, to feel how soaked you were from the inside, so she pushed you onto the empty space next to her, urging you to lay back and get comfortable as she moved her hand down between your legs and felt how soaked you´d gotten, a breathy, “fuck..” as she used the mess to slick up her fingers, a needy, almost pained sound from you then, “you feel so good” she praised as she slowly pushed two of her fingers into you, addicted to the feeling of your velvety hot flesh as she went knuckle deep, an almost animal-like possessiveness in to her physicality then that rendered you defenseless, entirely at her mercy, trembling with the thrill of being taken by her as she leaned down to kiss your chest, fucking you slowly to really feel it, the way you were throbbing, rocking against her hand. Tess sighed against your skin as she felt you turning into an utter mess for her, “fuck, right there”, you cried as she found the spot she needed to target, your hands gripping the sheets, your head pressed into the pillow as she sucked on your neck and made you almost black out with the double arousal from being both fingered and kissed, both your lower and upper body on fire from the feeling of her all over you, the ache at your core deepening each passing second from her relentless pressure on your sweet spot, your legs wide open for her even though you felt the need to press them together, “always such a good girl for me, hm?” she praised as she saw that you were trying to be easy for her, “so fucking pretty like this”, she knew what her words were capable of doing to you, especially when she kept her voice low and whispery, so she used it to drive you over the edge, her mouth close to your ear, her breath warm against your face as she had you trapped beneath her, working at your throbbing core, feeling you clench around her fingers as she kept whispering to you, about how hot you sounded, how many times she´d fantasized about doing exactly that, how nothing else made her finish lately when touching herself, your nails digging into her back as you felt yourself coming undone, “it´s okay, I got you” she assured as you tried to let go and let yourself cum around her fingers, eventually unable to hold off any longer as the climax shook you to your core, more visceral than the one before, biting down on her shoulder to stifle the sounds, which made her groan in pleasure, the feeling of your teeth digging into her flesh like that, an unexpected thrill to the pain, she´d have let you draw blood if you´d wanted to. for a moment she refused to let go, even though you were clearly spent, and kept her hand on the mess she´d just made, moving her hand up to your clit to tease you during the aftershocks of your orgasm, which you didn´t mind, it felt good, to be overstimulated, to be pushed into a state of total surrender to her touch, her impact, softer and quieter moans from you then as she watched you, mesmerized by the beauty of your face when you were lost in pleasure, “my angel” slipping out of her mouth as you eventually pulled her hand up to lick it clean for her.

once you found your words again you leaned closer to her ear and whispered “tell me what to do, I´ll do whatever you want”, an eagerness to your tone that hit her right where she was weakest. nothing satisfied Tess more than having you surrender to her, having you waiting for her instructions, desperate to please by letting her do whatever she wanted, but in that moment a different urge came over her, she ran her hands up and down your spine as she responded, “you still wanna taste me?”, which made you move your face change in an instant, conveying your clear “yes” with an intense look, it was like she´d awakened a hunger in you that you´d kept at bay, but now that she was giving you the green light, you felt yourself salivating at the thought, “please, yes”. she nodded, giving you a light slap on your thigh, motioning for you to get down to her legs, “go on then”. 

even though you were switching roles of giver and receiver, she was still going to be the dominant one, and you wouldn´t have wanted it any other way. you your placed your hands on her warm thighs as you got down between them, kissing the soft inside at first, the part of her body you´d admired so many times, finally yours, as she leaned back and tried to let go of the slight tension she felt. it was made easy by your tender way of going about it, it turned her on immensely, the contrast of your style versus hers, she knew you needed her to be rough and greedy with it, while you knew that she needed you to be devoted and eager, it got her good, the feeling of looking down at a pretty girl between her legs, visibly aching for her taste. you briefly got lost in the haze of covering her thighs in little kisses and bites, almost worshiping her in a way, but you could feel her growing impatient, her hands moving to your hair as she uttered, “enough teasing, baby”, urging you to give her what she wanted. you kept your hands hooked around her legs as you put your tongue to her cunt, hit by how wet she´d gotten from your fucking before, licking it up in broad strokes before you pushed your face closer, your tongue between her folds then, her grip on you tightening, “that´s it” she praised, “keep going”, so you took the cue and turned it sloppier and more intense, sliding your tongue up and down in a steady rhythm, moving your face with the motions to add more force, “fuck..” you could hear her moan as her head fell back and her back arched up a little, it was completely overwhelming for her in the best sense, she was too prideful to be very loud but she could have moaned pathetically right then if she´d let herself, it had been a while since anyone had eaten her out and you were doing it so passionately, so clearly not just for her pleasure but your own too, that she wondered why the fuck she had denied herself that kind of heaven, her eyes shut, her body on fire, her mind full of only one thought “I love her, I love this girl, I lover her so much”,  a sudden rush of adoration for you that could have made her cry from the overstimulated feelign of being fucked while she felt it; meanwhile you were also weak with the weight of your arousal, you could feel yourself growing wetter and needier as your whole lower face got coated in her cum, it was exactly what you´d dreamed of so many times, to finally return the favor, to show her how good it felt to be taken care of in that way, drunk on the taste of her, knowing that you´d stay down there for hours if she told you to, comforted by the feeling of being trapped between her thighs. 

eventually she could feel a familiar knot tightening at her core and pushed your head further against herself, her fingers rough in your hair, which got a sound out of you that was whiny and pathetic, dumb with lust as you felt her forcing you closer with that move, keeping her hands there and not letting you move an inch as she struggled to remain quiet, “just like that, don´t stop”, the praise was all you needed to get perverse with it, your spit mixed with her juices leaving her skin and yours a total mess as you devoured her, switching from licking to sucking on her clit to give her a final push, an immediate low groan leaving her lips, breathless by that point, her hips moving upward as she felt the beginning of an orgasm spreading through her whole body, building up to a hard release as you kept your lips on her, nails digging into her flesh as you let her rock against your face as hard as she wanted, soaking up every little noise she made as she came, every move of her muscles, high on the knowledge that it was your doing, her unraveling. once she was left slack and intensely flushed, you slowly moved your face away and gave her thigh a last indulgent bite before moving up to look at her, your hand on her chest as you laid down next to her, the room silent except for your shared attempt to breathe steadily again. a few moments later a smile spread across her tired face, turning her face to see your prideful expression. 

“you´re a freak, hm?” she teased, brushing a strand of hair out of your sweat-stricken face. “oh, you´re just now noticing?” you said, grinning at her, “maybe. I should´ve let you do that sooner, god..”, she shook her head, still coming down from the high you just gave her, gazing up at the ceiling for a moment as you traced patterns on her skin with your index finger, staring at her in awe, the blush on her cheeks, her messed up hair. “hm, agree. but you know, we can make up for lost time this week”, she nodded, “oh, we will, yes.”, moving her body over to trap you, her arms by your sides then, looking down at you before kissing you, not a care in the world about the fact that she could taste herself on your lips, covering your face in kisses, eliciting quiet sighs and giggles from you. after she pulled back she put her hand flat on your slightly bruised chest,“we should take a shower, I think”.“we?” you asked, in slight disbelief over the fact that she was willing to be that vulnerable; fucking was one thing, getting cleaned up together was another, and it was true, usually Tess did not do that with the women she was seeing, but she could not stand the idea of leaving you in her room as she showered, or waiting for you as you did, it was different with you. “yes, we, I´m not done with this yet”, she said while gesturing at your exposed form, so you smiled “okay, come on then”, still somewhat weak as you peeled yourself off of the bed and waited for her to lead the way.

Tess´s bathroom was tiled in a dark green color, so at night it had a cozy and slightly cave-like feeling , as opposed to the white tiled ones you were used to, you noticed this as she turned on the shower and made sure the temperature was fine, before you both got in and stood facing each other, your hands loosely resting on each other´s waists, barely a few inches apart. 

a few seconds after the hot water started running down your skin, it hit you both at the same time, that getting showering together was somehow more exposing than having sex because your bodies weren´t in motion or in a particularly sexy pose, you were both just standing there, vulnerable, your bodies visible for what they were in their natural state. Tess could tell that you shared some of her sudden shyness and got an idea, before you could reach for any body wash, she did it herself and told you “turn around, let me do that for you, baby”, which she didn´t have to say twice. she put some product in her hands and rubbed them together to create some foam before gently moving her palms over your back, lightly kissing your shoulder for a second, and you could feel yourself relaxing into her touch immediately. the vaguely citrusy and herbal scent started mixing with the steam of the water and gave the shower a spa like feeling, she moved her hands all over you in deliberate gentle motions, enjoying the sensation of your soft skin coated in the creamy soap, almost hypnotized by it, she could have kept doing that for a while, so she made a mental note of offering you a massage sometime. “that feels nice” you sighed as you leaned back against her a little, and she couldn´t help but move her hands to your chest then to pull you even closer, her hands briefly over your tits, the hint of a moan leaving you then, which didn´t escape her, so she kept her fingers there for a moment, a smile on your face as your head rested against her shoulder, “I think I´ll pass out if you actually try to do anything right now”, your body was already exhausted from before and you felt the heat sinking into your limbs, leaving you relaxed but also hot enough to a point where you suspected that extreme arousal might actually make you lose consciousness. Tess smiled too then, “well we don´t want that, do we”, but as she said that you abruptly turned around and put your hands on her neck, staring at her as you pressed yourself against her to transfer some of the soap onto her, the feeling of it somehow more intense than you both expected, being chest to chest while water and foam were slicking you up, so you leaned in to kiss her, only briefly, but she pulled you back in the moment she could feel space between your lips again, she had no desire to stop as she felt you submitting to her force but it didn´t take long for her to lose her breath, so you both ended up standing there panting, desperate for air because the room was all fogged up. 

both of you laughed then, “we´re fucking losing it” you said, hugging her as you closed your eyes and felt her wet chest against yours, “yeah I´m done for, we need to get out before we overheat and die”, so you both rinsed off together and stepped out, wrapping yourselves in big towels.

as you dried off and stood on the shower mat, your gaze fell to the sink, “two toothbrushes?” you exclaimed, exaggerating a scandalized tone, “is this the point where you confess to me that you´ve had a girlfriend all along?”. Tess shook her head, “yeah you figured it all out, I´m just using you to cheat, sorry” her tone dripping in irony, you couldn´t help but smile then as she pointed at what you were referring to, “that´s a fresh one for you, genius, because I know how easy it is to forget shit like that”. of course she was right, you could recall countless times of cursing yourself for not having packed something small but important like deodorant or toothpaste and you were charmed by her considerate ways, the idea of her wondering what you might need before you´d come to her place.“that´s really cute, thank you” but ,as always, she didn´t wanna hear it, so you quietly joined her by the sink and kept looking at her with soft eyes as you both brushed your teeth. Tess was facing the mirror but she could feel your gaze on her side profile and let herself enjoy it, not turning to you, just soaking up that quiet moment of intimacy, the sensation of having your undivided loving attention.

once you were both dressed in comfortable nightwear and back in bed you couldn´t help but smile to yourself as got comfortable under the covers, you were content to your core, thrilled by the fact that you were finally gonna sleep next to her again. you felt a delicious sense of satisfaction over the fact that nobody had any idea what you were doing, that it was your secret, in a sense it made you feel powerful, to have your joy all to yourself like that, without any witnesses but her. Tess looked down at you, pride bubbling up in her over the fact that you clearly loved your situation, “happy?”, she asked, knowing the answer, you nodded, moving yourself closer to her, “yeah this is perfect. god this mattress is like a cloud, my bed is not nearly this nice”, she smiled, her hand on top of the blanket that you´d pulled up to your shoulders, “well, I have a hot tip for you then, when you eventually get your own place, splurge on your bed instead of fancy decoration or furniture. trust me, your back will start hurting soon enough”. you laughed, “okay, noted. sweet of you to assume I´ll make enough money to have my own apartment, with the housing market as it is.. let's see about that one”, she smiled, “you have a point, yes. but I have faith, if everything fails, something tells me you won´t have trouble finding some older richer woman to take you in”, you joined in on the joke, “right, I´m getting great practice here. except for the rich part of course”.

she leaned down to kiss you, more tenderly than before, light kisses that didn´t burn but calm you, she liked having you under her, so she stayed like that for a moment until she got more comfortable next to you, sinking further down into her pillow. you remembered something then.

“I saw a book on your nightstand earlier”, “yes..” she said, a hint of apprehension in there, “what is it?” you asked, looking at her expectantly. “I actually haven't picked it up in ages”, her tone less unwavering than usual, “yes, I´m listening”, you could tell she was dodging the question. “okay but don´t you dare laugh”. “laugh?? what.. is it some trashy romance novel? weird erotica?”, she shoved your arm then, “no! is that what you think of me? really?”, you shrugged, “hey I have no idea what you´re into”. you were expecting something embarrassing but it turned out to be the exact opposite. she reached over to grab the book, holding it out to you so you could read the title yourself, you recognized the name on the cover. “Mary Oliver? you think I´d make fun of you for reading one of the best poets of all time? Tess come on, do you think I´m an asshole?”, she was relieved, for some reason she´d felt shy about admitting a more private interest of hers to you, “no of course not, I don´t know. I guess it just doesn´t really fit my image, does it?”, “your image? you really don´t want people to know you feel things deeply, hm? a bit too late with me, hate to break it to you, love”, she smiled then, at the casual use of the word “love”, and because it was true, there was no need to pretend around you, you´d already seen her at her most romantic and vulnerable, so she opened up a little. “it´s actually the one book I´ve had the longest. one day when I was in my late 20s I was going through it, like truly the worst fucking day ever, and for some reason ended up in a bookstore. I was just browsing, kind of losing my mind, and then came across this collection. I guess I liked that the poems were hopeful without being corny or overwrought. I kept going back to it whenever I was kind of.. I don´t know, lost?”. you gave that confession a few moments of respectful silence before saying, “that´s really sweet”. it was touching to you, that she was so shy about the fragile parts of herself, the ones that she had probably kept to herself for most of her life, concealed by her very convincingly tough aura.

“actually, could you maybe read me some of those”, you asked her, which made her turn to face you again, “what, like a bedtime story?” slightly confused, “no, just.. I like your voice. I like hearing you speak”. “yeah I am well aware, ever since a certain phone call a few weeks ago” she said with a smug expression, “oh shut up, this isn´t about that, I am trying to be sincere. I am asking you to read to me because I-” you almost slipped up and said “because I love you”, you saved yourself before the words could come out, but your abrupt pause was a giveaway, she knew what you´d thought, and it hit her, but she let it go, though she wouldn´t forget it, “because it would soothe me” you said instead. “okay, okay let me see if I can find some favorites. come over here” she said, pulling you closer, your head against her side then as she had put her arm around your back. 

“I don´t have any practice of course, so bear with me” she prefaced, but the moment she read the first few words out loud, you were sucked into it immediately, the slow rhythm of it, the humm in her chest that you could feel because you were pressed against her, the deliberate pauses she made, it was deeply relaxing to listen to, so you closed your eyes. after a few verses she stopped, unsure if you´d want her to continue, but you urged her “hm you´re good at this, go on”, so she did, remembering the parts of certain poems she´d held close to her heart when she was younger, a sweet contrast, to be sharing something with a lover that she´d often turned to when she had been at her loneliest. a few minutes in, Tess could feel your drifting off, your breathing became slower and your head became heavier, so eventually she quietly put the book down and stayed like that, her fingers lightly running up down your spine as you fell asleep in her embrace. for a while she did not allow herself to move because she loved the feeling of having you nestled against her like that, but eventually her eyes got heavy and she switched off her bedside lamp, moving herself down to lay her head near yours, your breath warm against her face as she joined you in a dreamless sleep. 

all the intense impressions from the day before had made it so that you both slept through the night without any interruptions, so by the time you first woke up the next day it was already around 9 am. for a while you laid there half-conscious, sprawled out comfortably over her large bed, your arms stretched out on either side, which eventually signaled to you that you were alone. reliably, Tess had gotten up before you, you were well aware by then that she was not the type to sleep in late, even on her off days, so you forced yourself to wake up for good and join her. 

as you walked into the living room, slightly self-conscious about your disheveled appearance, she had her back turned because she was busy with the coffee machine, so a few seconds into watching her you cleared your throat, a bright smile on your face as she turned around, “oh hey! perfect timing, I just got done with this” she said, pointing at the table. the first thing that caught your eye was a vase filled with beautiful flowers, the kind that almost looked like they grew in the wild, dainty but colorful, shades of lilac and pink, they hadn´t been there the day before. “wow, those are stunning. wait, you were outside already?”, you asked, she nodded as she came over to you and gave you a light kiss on the cheek before urging you to sit down with her, “yeah, I wanted to make this a little nicer than just.. you know boring old toast. we have this bakery around here, I don´t often get stuff for myself but I thought you´d like it. oh and these yeah, I recall you liking flowers so, they stood out to me”. she said it all so nonchalantly but it was really special to you, that she´d gone out of her way to do all that because you´d have been fine with much less, you still felt a bit of sleep in your eyes as you looked at what was in front of you, “drink something first” she ordered, pointing at the three glasses of water, juice, and coffee in front of you, so you did, as she went on to explain what she´d bought. “okay, so, this one is a croissant with pistachio filling, it´s kind of what they´re known for, but I really like the white and dark chocolate swirl one so if you want we can share”, you agreed, watching her rip them both in two, placing the halves on your plate and watching you closely as you tried them, “oh wow, that´s fucking good” you said as the intense sweet flavor hit your tongue, she leaned back, satisfied, successful in her attempt to start your day off in an ideal way. 

“you know, it´s kind of unfair that you always get dressed before me” you bemoaned, gesturing at her outfit as you both ate, “you always look better than me in the morning”, she shook her head, her mouth still half full as she mumbled “bullshit. that´s your warped perception, trust me, most people would prefer waking up to that” a wave of her hand in your direction as she said this. “well, not everyone has good taste, so” you joked, grinning at her, “right, and you do?”, she couldn´t deny that it felt good to be accused of upstaging you in the looks department even thought she vehemently disagreed. “clearly, look at this, I´m spoiled as hell”, she couldn´t really argue with that, still, she wondered if you actually thought you looked worse than her in that moment, because she had a hard time keeping herself from letting you finish your meal uninterrupted. she´d have liked to go over to you to slip her hand under your shirt, to feel your skin that was still warm from sleep. 

for a while you both leisurely emptied your plates and cups and talked about whatever came to mind, enjoying the feeling of a slow summer morning, of sharing a domestic kind of intimacy. “so, what are we doing today?” you asked her eventually, eager to do whatever she wanted, your eyes glimmering with excitement at the thought of still having the whole day ahead of you. “well, I have an idea, but I´m gonna need you to hear me out...” she seemed slightly unsure, so you wondered what was gonna come “sure, tell me”. “okay, so, about 45 minutes outside of the city there´s this really beautiful hike but not the boring kind, trust me, it´s not just an endless fucking trail, it´s this forest landscape with a bunch of little rivers and a lake, I went there a lot when I was younger, and since it´s a weekday I doubt we´d run into many people. also-” you interrupted her then, “you don´t have to convince me Tess, I´m down, let´s do it. do you think I´m that unathletic, that I´m scared of a hike?” you said, smiling and giving her a questioning look, she smiled too then, “well I guess I´ll see what we´re working with once we´re there, right?”. “you´re scared you´ll have to carry me once I get tired, huh?” you teased, “oh, you´d like that wouldn´t you” she said, “probably yeah. but don´t worry, I´ll manage. in fact, maybe I´ll have to support you in the end, you know, since you´re..”, “old?” she finished the sentence for you, acting offended, “I´m not 70 sweetie, so let´s see who has to take a break first” she challenged you, leaning forward as she said it, you returned the energy, “won´t be me”, even though you knew she could probably triumph over you in terms of endurance, something told you she wasn´t the type to ever admit that she felt weak, both emotionally and physically. 

after breakfast you spent some time on the couch, you half on her lap, her hands on you, a soft lazy exchange of touches and kisses until it was around 11:00 and you mustered up the energy to get ready as well. 

by noon you were in her car, sharing a bottle of ice cold water because it was already warming up by that hour, the windows down and the radio playing as you found all kinds of things to talk about: classes you were gonna take in the new year, jokes from her side about you probably being a teacher´s pet considering you talent for charming people her age, you grilling her about details from work, gossip she could share, trying but failing to get her to spill some stuff about exes of hers, whether you fit her usual type, if she even had one, but Tess was steadfast in her refusal to share any of that, leaving you to tease her with speculations like “I bet there was some hot intern at work you had a thing with. maybe you fucked in the office or something, is that it?” until you reached your destination and quit the banter. 

she hadn´t over-promised, the area was absolutely stunning; trees as tall as buildings as far as the eye could reach. you were at the beginning of a path that had a slow incline and would lead you to the top of a hill, the thick row of trees would offer enough shade for it to be an enjoyable hike and the little patches of flowers and plants you had never seen before offered enough to keep your eyes busy. 

the first half hour passed very quickly, both you and Tess kept pointing out things to each other, stopping every now and then to inspect certain kinds of berries of particularly colorful kinds of flowers, her teasing you by ripping out some leaves and running them over your skin to catch you off guard with the sensation, getting a high pitched squeal out of you that made her bend over in laughter and earned her a kick to the shin from you. you liked watching her as you made your way deeper into the forest, it was hot to you, seeing her physically exhaust herself, her leg muscles straining whenever there was a steepness to your path, her breath heavier, her face dewy from the heat, she could feel your eyes on her as you went a little quiet and she liked it, knowing that you were checking her out, so eventually she stopped, leading you to a tree and backing you up against it as she grinned at you, waiting for you to follow your instinct, which you immediately did, pulling her in for a kiss as she slid her hands under your shirt and enjoyed the thrill of feeling you up in public, kissing your neck as you felt the bark of the tree against your head, your hair getting caught as you shut your eyes and sighed from the sensation of her sucking on the skin right above your collarbone until she pulled away and left you flushed and disheveled, acting all innocent as she said “shall we continue?” pointing at the path and walking away from you, a shake of your head as you tried to slow your breathing and to forget about the fact that for a second there you´d hoped that she might actually fuck you in public. one day, you thought, one day she´ll cave and do it.

about an hour in, you both felt a rush of gratitude as you reached an area that made you gasp in awe, “oh wow”, you said, as you looked at a river that was wide enough to swim in, a truly picturesque scene, and because you were both sweating and ready for a break by that point, you looked at each and realized that you were thinking the same thing. “should we?...” you asked, pointing at the river, Tess thought about it, “god that would feel so good right now, wouldn´t it? you know what, let´s do it, we can go in our underwear, it´ll dry fast if we sit there for a few minutes after”. “oh I was just talking about taking our shoes off and getting our legs in there” you said, surprised by her bold idea. “oh no, all or nothing baby. come on, it´ll be fun” she nudged you playfully, so you gave in because it did sound delicious in that moment, to cool your hot body, the sound of the rushing water practically luring you in. “alright, fuck it, let´s do it” you put your bag down and unzipped your shorts as she did the same. 

as you stood there after getting rid of your shirt, Tess leered at you, pointing at your bra “I think you should take that off too” a smug grin on her face, you put your hand on your hip and raised your eyebrows, “right, so some stranger who is walking by can creep on me?”, she shook her head, grinning, “no. so I can creep on you.” emphasis on the I as she pointed at herself. you suppressed a smile and challenged her, “I´ll do it if you do it”. Tess sometimes forgot that you admired her body the same way she did yours, so your request surprised her but she just shrugged, “sure, okay”, moving her hands to her back to free herself of the last piece of fabric on her upper body, you doing the same thing, slightly shy once you were left topless, your hands over your tits as you looked at the water, dipping a toe in to gauge the temperature.

“oh fuck thats cold” you cold feel goosbumps forming on your skin and she was definitely bolder than you, immediately wading into the water, knee deep within seconds, braving through the initial shock, teeth clenched until she got over it, waving you in, her body mesmerizing, strong and almost god-like in the light of the midday sun. “come on, its fine, you can do it” she encouraged, endeared by the way you held your body then, arms clasped around yourself for comfort. you tensed up as you took a few steps in, Tess lowered herself in the meantime, submerging her whole body except for her head in the cool waves, “trust me sweetheart, this feels great”, so you just took the final step and mirrored what she was doing, a gasp as you felt the cold all over your skin, a few seconds of discomfort until you felt the utter satisfaction of being one with the elements like that on a warm summer day. “come here”, she ordered, so you swam over to her, feeling her pull you closer underwater, your hands around her neck then, your legs loosely wrapped around her back as you both stayed like that for a moment, the water running over you in a steady stream, the sound of birds and rustling leaves hanging in the air, a scene straight of of an Impressionist painting, shades of green and blue all around, accents of reflected sunlight on the surface of the river, you right in the middle, it was like you were truly outside of your lives for a moment, which was visible on your faces before you leaned in and kissed. 

after a while you pulled back and felt the sudden urge to try and push her underwater, so you put your arms on her exposed shoulders and applied some force but she just looked at you, patient, smiling, unaffected, “nice try” she uttered, somewhat condescending; she was clearly not going to be overpowered and you knew it but it was a thing you liked to do sometimes, testing her strength to get a little turned on by how impossible it was to match it. eventually, you gave up but before you could think about swimming away she did what you had tried to do but she did it successfully, pushing you under the surface, not too hard but keeping her hands on your head for a few seconds as you shut your eyes and felt the silence of being totally engulfed by water, a feeling you hadn´t experienced in years, which admittedly wasn´t all that unpleasant. after she let go and you came back up for air you immediately splashed water onto her face, shaking your head as you wiped your eyes and adjusted your soaking wet hair. “you know” you said, staring at her, out of breath, “you could fully drown me right now and nobody would ever know. I didn´t tell a soul I´m here, so, you could get away with it”, she was moving her arms through the water in a soothing motion as she returned your look, amused by your strange remark, “well fuck, you got me. this whole thing was just an elaborate scheme to get you out here and kill you”, you kept standing where you were, water dripping down your chest as you responded “yeah I figured, that´s your thing right?. kidnapping fantasies”, she shook her head, “okay easy, a little too far”, but you weren´t done yet, “no? you don´t like that? thinking about tying me up and-”. before you could even finish the sentence she pulled you down and put her hand over your mouth to shut you up “okay, you´re fucking insane”. Tess reacted that way partially because you´d struck a cord, she didn´t have violent sexual fantasies but she did like the idea of restraining you, which got her riled up as you joked about it.

the whole ordeal ended in you both being half submerged in the waves and laughing, holding hands as you both laid down on your backs to float on the water, the sun warming your front side as the river cooled the back, a delicious contrast, about fifteen minutes of peaceful silence and bliss, your fingers interlaced so you wouldn´t drift away from each other, more relaxed than you could remember being in ages. 

after you got out of the water you laid down in the grass by the shore, waiting for your skin to dry off before you could get dressed again, the breeze gently caressing your nearly nude bodies. 

eventually you both sat upright, looking around at the scenery as you started talking again. 

“can I ask you something personal?” you said after a while, your head resting on your knees as you looked at her from the side, Tess was ripping out single strands of grass absentmindedly as she looked back at you, “another question about perverted kinks I might have?”, you laughed, rolling your eyes at her, “no.”, “go on then”. “did you ever consider the whole getting married and having kids thing? when you were younger I mean”. 

Tess had a joke on her tongue about not being the type of woman that people would love to bring home to their parents, but she decided to be earnest, sensing that you were actually interested. “kids definitely not. and marriage, hm.. well, when I was in my 20s I was busy just surviving and figuring my shit out, so I never thought about it back then, but sure, when I was in my 30s and people around me started having kids and settling down, it did cross my mind sometimes. but if I´m being totally honest, I think that wouldn´t have been the right way for me. maybe if I´d met the right person, but not a huge white wedding..” she shook her head at the thought, you were listening with deep interest, “maybe an elopement or something, I do like that idea. but also, I witnessed a good amount of nasty divorces in my time, truly awful shit, so I think this is actually a pretty fortunate situation to be in at my age” she motioned back and forth between you two, smiling conspiratively, you nodded, returning the smile. “that makes sense, I mean look at my parents.. that shit was not good”, she made a sound of agreement “yeah exactly. but what about you?”, she leaned closer then, tapping your leg. “me?”, “yes, what´s your stance on all that, you´re young, you still have time”. you sat up then, leaning back on your hands, staring off into the distance as you thought about it. “god I don´t know...”, Tess was still looking at you, “well I think you´re gonna make some lucky woman lose her fucking mind”, she chimed in, you stared at her then, “stop, no, I´m with you right now and I like it this way, I don´t want to imagine some potential future wife”. it struck Tess then that she´d implied the obvious, that you two were not going to be with each other for decades to come, so she softened a little as she realized that you did not like that thought at all, turning to humor to lighten the mood again. “well, you know, if your dad is still single then, I´ll make him take me as his plus one to your wedding.” your expression lightened then, touching her thigh for emphasis as you said, “well, if you want me to cheat on my wife on our wedding day, sure, go ahead and do that”. Tess pulled you towards her then, kissing your cheek before you laid your head on her chest, “sure, if you ever need a reason to break off an engagement, just call me, I´ll come be your homewrecker”. 

a while later you both felt your bodies growing weaker from the heat of the sun and lack of food, so you made your way back down the trail and stopped at a place to eat lunch. not many words were exchanged during that meal because you were both starving and recovering from moving around way than you usually do in a day. by the time you were back in her apartment she announced, “okay, either I´ll have to make myself the strongest coffee ever or we have to take a nap. you decide”, it was an easy decision, “yeah, let´s sleep for a while I´m exhausted”. 

as she laid down on the couch you went over to her record collection and looked for something that would be soothing as background music, something that could lull you to sleep. she had at least 40 records to choose from, all kinds of genres, mostly from the 70s to 90s but also some modern ones you recognized.“this is impressive” you marveled, as you turned some of them over, inspecting the slightly aged but beautiful covers, Tess already had her eyes closed and felt herself drifting off as she said “thank you. I mean, I´ve had some time to collect those, I think I got the first one at least 25 years ago”, you smiled to yourself then and couldn´t help but say what was on your mind, “so some of these are older than me huh?”, you could hear a groan from across the room, “oh that´s just perfect, really, very romantic of you. how about you pick one and get over here already”, she responded, unwilling to admit that she liked your teasing, so you made your choice and let some soft tune play as you laid down on top of her, her arms around your back, the side of your face positioned on her in a way that allowed you to hear her heartbeat. 

it was a sweet feeling, to lay there with the balcony door cracked, a soft gust of wind every once in a while as you drifted in and out of sleep for about an hour, until you were both awake again but didn´t move yet, enjoying the quiet intimacy of the moment, because it was all you´d wanted for so long, to have the luxury of time, to spend some of it in comfortable silence, only communicating via light touches and caresses. 

later that day you went outside one more time to go stock up on groceries for the week, Tess urging you to get whatever you might want to have at hand in the following days, asking you about which of her ideas for dinner you liked best, so you ended up spending a lot of time just walking around the isles and figuring out each other´s tastes, scanning the liquor shelves together to decide on what would be best to share on her balcony later. it hit you while watching her prepare dinner that night, not on your phone at all during that hour because you loved watching her move around the kitchen, that it felt like you´d lived together for a while, since it all fell into place so naturally. you tried to remain in the present moment but there was a slight pain you felt in your chest whenever you remembered that your situation was only temporary, that you hadn´t actually moved in with her, that you were a guest and would not get the chance to spend that many days in a row together again for a good while. Tess had similar thoughts as she felt you admiring her from across the room, pushing up her sleeves on purpose to show off her arms as she worked her way through the recipe. it was in her nature, that deep desire to center her life around someone else, to devote her energy and time to the needs of another person, she´d never loved living on her own even though she let other believe that she did, it gave her too much time to talk down on herself, to obsess over her shortcomings, to sit with herself long enough to get tired of her mind and go to sleep much earlier than needed. Tess did not thrive in isolation, she needed her alone time and space to unwind, certainly, but that night it was so clear to her, that she was meant to share her life with someone, that she was never happier than when she could tell that another woman was glad to be in her presence, glad to be taken care of by her, that she wanted to live with someone, with you, and would miss having you there quite intensely once you´d have to leave. thankfully, you both got yourselves out of that mood rather quickly once she was done cooking and you helped her set the table, a simple thing, yet so delightful to you, the sight of two plates, two glasses, the reminder that you were part of a union now. 

you ate dinner on the balcony and spent another hour after that sipping on the drinks you´d bought earlier, a few candles on the table, the faint sound of people on the street below you, an atmosphere that made it very easy to forget the time and stay there together on the wooden bench you´d put a blanket over until it was about 11:30 pm, your eyes getting heavy from the booze and the outdoorsy activities earlier that day. for a moment you both rested against each other out there, almost falling asleep because the night air was the perfect temperature, but eventually you both managed to go brush your teeth and fall into bed, heavy and satisfied as she pushed you over to be big spoon, the warmth of her body against your back enough to make you fall asleep within minutes, comforted by her grip on you, even when she was exhausted, that same firmness to her touch, her determination to have you as close as possible.

the next day Tess was clear about the fact that she´d have to show you all her favorite spots downtown, after spending the day before outside of the city, so she took you to two cafes, one for the sake of the coffee the other for the sake of their lunch options, so up until 2 pm you were busy just sitting around in the sun, trying all of her usual orders, approving of them, a little jealous that she had access to that many nice spots, you could imagine studying in those cafes for hours. “maybe during finals season you can come visit for a weekend, I can watch you do that” she joked as you told her that, “you´d like that? just watching me type on my fucking laptop?”, she shrugged, smiling as she ripped a piece off the pastry you were sharing, “I´d enjoy watching you do pretty much anything, sweetheart. also yes, I think it would be hot, you being a nerd right in front of me”, teasing you a little, “my grades aren´t high enough to qualify as nerdy I fear”, she pretended to be shocked, “no? well, we can work on that”, “we? you´d help me how exactly?”, “I don´t know. quiz you, promise you a gift for when you come back with perfect scores”, “okay, I do like the sound of that.”.

that day was a little fresher than the day before so at night you had the idea of taking a bath together, which quickly taught you the lesson that sex underwater only sounded good in theory and was a mess in practice, so you settled on sitting across from each other in the tub with your legs touching, every now and then leaning in to kiss, you putting your lips to her knee after, which was an unexpected tenderness that hit her right at her core, the sight of you bending your head down to places a few soft kisses on her leg. 

on your fourth day with her, it rained from morning til night, so it was an easy decision to stay in bed til noon, to be lazy and stay in your loungewear and order take out, putting on a film while relaxing in the living room as it kept pouring outside, chatting about anything and everything, coaxing more and more personal information out of each other, longer, more intimate stories about your lives, passing the time on the couch, switching between various states of undress, paying no attention to what was playing on the TV. later that night you both got the sudden urge to go outside and get a drink, so you put on some nice clothes, stood in the bathroom together as you fixed your hair and felt a shared giddiness over the prospect of walking arm in arm to the bar she´d picked out, the streets still smelling of wet earth, the moon almost full, people hurrying to their dinner dates or back home, that buzz of the night time in a bigger city. you´d both come to realize that you shared a love for date nights, the cozy darkness, the intimate feeling of sitting in the corner of a crowded room somewhere at that hour, slightly buzzed, faces flushed, hands innocently resting on each other´s thighs as you spoke, you´d both miss it, having a reason to randomly step out of the house at 10pm. you´d miss the feeling of walking up the stairs together a few hours later, tipsy, laughing at each other for almost missing a step and stumbling, grabbing each other´s arms for support. it was a light, effortless kind of joy that made you glow, your faces permanently stuck in a smile while you washed your faces together and helped each other out of your clothes, clumsily feeling each other up before you fell into a deep sleep. 

on Friday you were ready to move around again after you spent majority of the day before being lazy, so you did whatever came to mind as you walked around the city together. after spending some time at the local park and getting lunch, you came across a pretty large thrift store and decided to just take a look around, but it quickly turned into you getting an idea: you wanted to find her clothes you thought she´d look hot in, so you picked a few shirts here and there, both longsleeve and shortsleeve, a jacket you thought that would suit her, until she eventually told you to slow down with the makeover quest, amused by your enthusiasm over styling her. it moved her in a way, to see that you knew her well enough by then to skip over any clothes that were too feminine, briefly wandering over the the men´s section to check out the bigger vintage tees, it contrasted the feeling she´d often had as a young girl, being pressured by others to dress more like a “lady”, something was healing about it, to have you picking out styles for her that actually matched her taste.

she was reluctant at first but after enough begging and kissing her she gave in and changed into some of the things you´d handed to her, unable to deny that you had an eye for her physique and what would suit her, what she´d feel comfortable in. you practically gawked at her as she looked at herself in the mirror. “you know, maybe I fucked up here, you look a little too good, I don´t want other girls to start hitting on you” you mused, your eyes traveling up and down her body, which got a laugh out of her, “I think you need to chill a little with all that praise, I´ll start believing you eventually” she wasn´t going to admit it, but she did enjoy it, the fact that you never held back with compliments, that you almost made her feel shy or blush at times, which was something that usually never happened to her.  “well you should, I´m not just being nice” you insisted, as she came over to you and let you inspect her from up close, “you know, I also have some ideas for things I´d like to see you in” she said, a smile as she lightly traced your bare arm with her fingers, “oh you don´t have to convince me, I´ll try on whatever you want” you said, a smugness to your expression, “anything?”, you nodded, “hm, good to know”, her tone gave away what she was thinking. “what kind are you into? lace? satin? see through?”, she shook her head, not expecting that bold of an answer but enjoying the back and forth, “I´m not telling you that”, “you should buy me something”, you said, batting your eyelashes at her, “buy you lingerie? you want the sugar mommy thing, is that it?” she teased, “jesus how do you even know what that is Tess..” you said, slightly unnerved, which was funny to her, “baby I´m not ancient, I know things. but sure, yes, I will gladly buy you something pretty, although I only really give a fuck about what´s underneath”. 

the rest of that day passed very quickly, the way the whole week had, by Saturday morning you couldn´t believe that you´d already spent that much time at her place because it felt like you´d just arrived the day before, like you were at the beginning of your stay, but to your dismay, it was already coming to an end. 

the days before Tess had been the chef for dinner or you´d gone out to eat, so for your final night at her place you decided that you´d prepare her something. there was a pasta dish that you´d perfected over the years because it was your comfort meal, so you told her to sit back and relax as you assembled all the ingredients you´d need, but she wouldn´t, she leaned against the kitchen counter instead and watched you, enthralled by the sight of you carefully picking herbs off their stems, tasting the sauce over and over to get it to the exact spice level you wanted it, your face shiny from the effort, your cheeks flushed from the steam of the pasta water, all of it turned her on but she tried her best to not get in your way and touch you too much, only giving you the occasional hug from behind here there, whispering sweet things about how good you looked working with your hands, breaking a sweat. 

one thing that you´d done the entire week was to switch between sitting across from each other and next to each other during meals at home because both of the options had their own appeal; sitting next to each other was sweet and intimate, legs touching as you ate, easy access, stealing touches here and there, sitting across from each other was sexier and more charged, since that´s the way you´d sit on a first date, that unavoidable eye contact, the almost confrontational nature of being in your direct line of sight, the ability to lean back and steal glances while the other person wasn´t aware of your gaze, or pretended not to be because it felt good to be looked at like that. 

on that last night, you sat across from each other, inside because the weather had gotten a little too fresh to eat on the balcony. as soon as Tess took the first bite, you realized that you liked it a lot, the roles being reversed, you watching closely for her reaction, hoping for signs of pleasure, which came, an approving nod from her as soon as she swallowed, “no notes”, she said, smiling, charming you, a satisfied look on your face as you joined her in eating. what Tess didn´t know, was that you´d picked up on certain preferences of hers over the week, so you´d added things to the sauce you usually wouldn´t have added, because it was more important to you that it would be to her exact taste, you couldn´t haven cared less about your own feelings about the meal, which was a beautiful thing, to be so preoccupied with pleasing someone else that you forgot about yourself in the process. you could understand why she was always so eager to be of service, you saw the appeal as you watched her clear the plate, not leaving one piece of the pasta untouched. 

after you were both done, Tess quickly realized that she didn´t want to waste any of the remaining hours you had left being unable to touch you, so she suggested that you should move to the couch, grabbing some chocolate from the kitchen, breaking a part off to offer it to you as a palette cleanser before getting comfortable next to you. by then, you knew how you liked to sit together when you wanted to talk properly, your legs on her lap, her hand on your thigh as you sat there, eyeing each other until you broke the silence. “I can´t believe this already our last night..” your tone quiet and earnest, she nodded, “yeah, me neither. feels like it has only been a day or two, honestly, the time passed way too fucking quickly” you cracked a smile then, moving some of her hair out of the way to place your hand on her neck, a lovestruck look. 

during the week neither of you brought it up because it would have been a mood killer but since it was the end of the week Tess felt comfortable asking you “so uhm. did he reach out to you at all while you were here?”, apprehension in there, you knew of course who the “he” in question was. a shake of your head, “no, thank god. probably because I told him I´d call this weekend, I guess I´ll do that tomorrow”. she nodded, absentmindedly caressing you, “hm, good, that´s good. didn´t hear from him either. be honest, did it cross your mind at all?” she genuinely wanted to know if you´d just been good at bluffing or if you´d actually forgotten about the potential horror of being found out by him during your stay with her.

 you thought about it, “surprisingly no, I didn´t think about it, at least not consciously. I guess because I was just glad we had this time to ourselves and I really didn´t want to ruin it for myself by worrying” she agreed, “yeah same for me, I kind of forgot about it til just now to be honest” you shared a moment of silence, contemplating the issue. “looks like we´re both great at compartmentalizing hm?”, you joked, grinning at her, Tess couldn´t help but laugh then, “you´re not wrong there, we´re pretty fucking shameless if you really think about it. the next time he calls me I´ll make small talk and act like I didn´t just spend the week…”, “fucking his daughter?” you completed the thought for her, purposely putting it that way. Tess shoved you then, pretending to be scandalized, “wow, you have such a way with words. I was gonna say that I spent the week having the time of my life” she countered, exaggerating a little, trying to get you to feel bad about your crass comment but you knew her too well, “bullshit, you didn´t wanna say that”, she nodded, amused, “maybe, but it´s true. besides, you´re right in the sense that that is of course the one thing he´d focus on. jesus…”.

you could tell that she was getting sucked into a spiral that she´d managed to stay out of all week, so you leaned closer and took her face in your hands, your tone gentle and sweet, “hey, it´s fine, relax” placing a few kisses on her face before reminding her “he won´t find out, no way. how would he?”. she couldn´t argue with that, you´d both been careful and you were both more than decent liars, so she relaxed again, soothed by your touch. “right, yes. but still, we´re kind of fucking insane for this” she could smile again by then, you did too, only shrugging in response, not a care in the world over potential danger, you were simply too happy. she gave you a kiss then, a proper one, to forget all about the previously discussed subject and it worked, within seconds she was too busy pushing you back against the couch cushion and pulling your shirt over your head to think of anything else but the feeling of your warm body in her hands. 

later that night, after you´d spent a good amount of time just laying in bed with the window open and talking because you didn´t want your time to be cut short by sleeping too early, you had something on your mind. you rolled over onto your side, placing your hand on her stomach as you looked at her, “Tess” you said, an unusually timid tone which was endearing to her, “yes sweetie, what is it?”, she moved herself up on the pillow a little to signal that she was listening. “well, I was just thinking, my roommate isn´t coming back until next week..”, “okay. and that means?”, she said, not catching on yet, eyeing you curiously, so you just put it out there. “well, I was wondering if I could persuade you to stay a night...”. she was confused for a moment, “what, in your dorm?”, you nodded, a shyness to your demeanor all of a sudden, waiting for a response. she laughed to herself, “well, wouldn´t that be a little fucked up, someone my age hanging out in a dorm?”, you shook your head, “oh no, I have seen so many odd boyfriends coming and going, nobody would even blink an eye at you, really I mean it”. she smiled then, staring off into space as she considered your proposal, muttering “well, I´d have to take Monday off work..”, so you doubled down, increasingly desperate to prolong your time with her, your hand on her forearm then, a strong grip as you pleaded with her. “please, come on, just one night. I could show you around, it would be fun, I could let you get an image of how I live, now that I got one of how you do”. you had a point there, she couldn´t deny that she liked the idea of getting a glimpse into your life like that, “hmm” you could see that she was close to cracking, so you got up and climbed on top of her, bending down to kiss her neck lightly as you kept whispering “please”, which gave her vivid flashbacks to how you´d first come onto her that night you´d first gotten together, the way she´d been broken by the sound of your begging, and it was working yet again, she sighed and held onto your back as she finally caved and said “okay, okay yes. fuck it, let´s do it”, a shudder going through her from the feeling of your hot breath against her skin, your weight on top of her, until you finally let go and looked at her with the face of someone who´d just won a battle. “you´re fucking killing me here, lady” she said, shaking her head, grabbing your waist as you kept sitting on her legs, a bright red blush on her cheeks, “am I?” you whispered, pleased with yourself for getting under her skin. secretly, Tess loved it, that you often pushed her buttons, that you weren´t discouraged by any of her moments of reluctance but took them as a challenge, she never got frustrated by your teasing because it was too delicious, to be played with like that, to be guided towards certain pleasures she´d deny herself if it wasn´t for you insistence. 

the next morning after having breakfast out on the balcony for the last time, basking in the sun with your legs crossed over each other´s, she helped you pack your things. as you were checking around her bedroom to see if you´d missed a piece of clothing or something else, she grabbed a shirt of hers that you´d worn to bed a few times that week and handed it to you, “here, take this too”. you hesitated for a moment as you reached for it, “really? you won´t miss it?”, she shook her head, “not at all. besides, I like the idea of you sleeping in my clothes when you´re not here. I´m not being that selfless”, you laughed, “okay, well in that case I´ll gladly take it”. 

as she opened her apartment door you took a dramatic final look around, a gentle squeeze on your shoulder as she said, “hey, don´t act like you´ll never see this place again, you´ll be back”, “you think so?” you asked, “oh, I know.” she proclaimed, confident, so you smiled and clung to that sound of conviction as you both made your way downstairs and headed towards her car.

the drive was not that long, about 3 hours, a little slower than by train but not long enough to actually be exhausting. you drove an hour, then stopped for coffee, drove another, then got some mediocre lunch and walked around for a bit before passing the final hour with you feeding her individual pieces of candy as you got comfortable in the passenger seat and handled the job of choosing songs that fit the mood, every now and then getting a rise out of her by touching her where you knew she liked to have your hands the most, while she was trying to keep her eyes on the road. 

around 3 pm you reached your destination, she´d of course picked you up in your college town once before, so she had no trouble finding the street you lived on. the semester wasn´t going to start until a week later, so the streets weren´t that crowded even though it was a Saturday, you could tell that about half your fellow students were back, while the other half was probably still either still back home or somewhere savoring the last few days of freedom before things would go back to business again. 

Tess vaguely recalled some of the buildings as you walked up to your dorm, but she found herself liking the atmosphere more than she´d expected, her own college town had been more urban, so it was interesting to see a campus that was more on the isolated side. 

once you were in your room, you opened the window to let some fresh air in and sat down on your bed as Tess inspected the details of your space, trying not to feel the slight burn of self-consciousness in your chest as you watched her curiously inspecting the details of your space, but for once she didn´t have anything to say, she was genuinely absorbed in the attempt to figure you out, to see how you liked to live, how you made yourself feel at home and comfortable. after a few minutes she joined you on the bed, the two of you sprawled out as much as the rather small bedframe allowed you to be, arms and legs touching in various places as you laid there, staring at the ceiling, relaxing after the drive. after brief moment of comfortable silence you could hear her laugh to herself and utter “god..” while shaking her head, so you turned to look at her, “what? what is it?”. she turned her head too then, “it´s just. this is pretty fucking mid-life crisis-ey of me, isn´t it?” her hands in the air, vaguely gesturing around, “ending up in a dorm room again at my age. I think I can´t deny that that´s pretty cliché mid-life of me”. you laughed, endeared by her moment of self-deprecation, “well if it makes you feel better, people my age have actually recently coined the term quarter-life crisis, so we´re kind of in it together”, she laughed too then, “what, really? that´s a thing?” you nodded, she considered it, “well, I think the takeaway there should be that we´re all in crisis at all ages, huh”, you nodded, reaching for her hand, lacing your fingers through hers, “exactly, that´s the enlightened take. so, no need to feel bad about yourself or question your weird behavior, if it´s gonna be ongoing, right?” you joked, “sure, I can just mess around with a girl in college and free myself of the knowledge that it´s technically kind of pathetic” you gasped as she finished that sentence, overly dramatic, “pathetic?? ouch”. Tess pulled your hand up to kiss it then, patting your head afterwards, “not on your part, baby”. 

after about 45 minutes of regaining some of your energy, you both made your way outside again and you gave her the promised tour of all the places you usually spent most of your days at: your lecture halls, the buildings where you had your seminars, the dining hall, the little park that was located in the middle of your campus. the thing that made it easier on your part was that you that yours was an impressive one as far as college campuses went, large historic buildings, a lot of nature surrounding your area, a rather idyllic vibe to it all. Tess seemed to have a genuine interest in everything you showed her, which warmed your heart. she kept asking you things that you didn´t even consider telling her about because they seemed minute to you, but to her it was a delight, to finally get to know the structure of your daily life, she couldn´t remember the last time she´d been so eager to get a picture of how someone moved through the world, and it hit her as you showed her around, how you´d awakened a curiosity in her, a deep need to know as much as she could about the person she felt so devoted to. 

as you walked down a particular path you often took after classes, you pointed towards a wooden bench under a large tree that was still in bloom, “oh see, this is where I spent many miserable afternoons, just listening to music and feeling sorry for myself, it was great”. Tess laughed as she went over and sat down, looking around to see the view you´d had all those times, “I hope those days are over now”, you joined her, stretching your legs out and sighing, “you think you magically fixed all my issues?”, you teased as she put her arm behind your back, “all of them? jesus, care to tell me what that endless list entails?”, she joked back in a low tone, “oh you know. general melancholy, loneliness, self-pity, being into women that could be my mom, the usual” she shoved your leg then, “you´re disgusting”, but you could see a hint of a smile out of the corner of your eye. 

“but for real, I don´t have to worry about you, do I?”, it felt good, to know that she felt the need to make sure you´d be fine on your own, you assured her, “no, I´m much better now than last year. but feel free to maybe worry a little, I don´t mind that..” you said, grinning at her. “oh and you´re gonna have to get better at texting, because I can´t call you during lectures or while I´m at the library”, she laughed, “so I can keep you from actually learning something?”, you shook your head, “I´ll only do it during the boring ones. promise”, “right, sure, I´ll see what I can do about that”.

“would sexting encourage you?”, Tess made a face of disgust then, “no? you think that´s my thing, typing sleazy shit into my phone?”, you knew she was not the type for all that but the image was funny to you, “okay jeez, guess I´ll find other ways to fantasize”, “I can send you audio messages of me reading some book, that should do the trick”, she teased, “fuck off. I never should have told you about that, it really went to your head that I love your voice”, she smiled, leaning closer to you then, whispering in your ear as she held your face, “do you?”, you sighed, defenseless against her, a shiver on your neck as she kept fucking with you until you eventually pushed her off and tried to get your face to a normal temperature again, a satisfied expression on her face as she backed off because a few people were walking by.

“last year this place was my depression spot, but this semester I can sit here and think about you instead, how does that sound?”, you said after a few moments of silence, “better. much better” she did like that image, “or you know. you could focus on your academic goals, just a thought”, and as if she´d summoned her by mentioning it, you spotted a former professor of yours from afar as she was walking in your general direction. 

at first you thought she might pass you by but you locked eyes and smiled, so you tapped Tess on the shoulder, “she was my prof last year, I think I should say Hi”, but you barely got the sentence out before she already stood a few feet away and greeted you, so you stood up to get a little closer. “hey, good to see you!”, you returned the politeness and exchanged a few words about what you´d done over the summer, she´d been one of better professors you´d had, actually good at teaching and always eager to get to know her students, asking what was wrong if anyone ever seemed out of it during class, so it was easy to make conversation. 

“you´re not taking any of my classes this year, right?” she asked, signaling disappointment, you shook your head “no, sadly not, but maybe next semester”, “right, well I´m sure we´ll see each other around still”, Tess was observing the exchange with keen interest and as your professors´s eyes wandered over to her you said “oh yeah, I´m here with a.. family friend, to show her around because she lives nearby”, Tess gave a brief nod and smile, amused by your choice of words. “then I´ll leave you guys to it, have a lovely time! see you around!” she´d used your name at the end of that sentence rather affectionately and Tess watched her with a hint of judgment in her eyes as she walked away, immediately shaking her head as you sat back down on the bench, laughing to herself, “wow”. 

“what?” you asked, confused by that reaction “she was fucking flirting with you”, “huh??” you said, unsure if you´d heard her right, “oh come on, it was so obvious”, you protested, “Tess, she has a husband and two kids”. “that doesn´t mean shit”, she wouldn´t back down, “it doesn´t??”, your expression one of disbelief then. “no. married women are freaks, trust me, I´ve had my experiences”, you couldn´t believe that she was insisting on it but then it dawned on you that she was jealous because they were both women around the same age, because she maybe thought that she fit your type, so you decided to mess with her, flattered by the wave of possessiveness that had come over her just from watching you be polite to someone who shared some of her characteristics. “well, in that case I seem to have a good back up plan if you ever decide to dump me”, grinning as you said this.

she immediately shook her head, her index finger moving back and forth in the air, a show of protest, “oh no, if this ends, it´ll be because of you, I´m not going anywhere, so you´ll have to do the breaking up if you wanna get rid of me”, you returned the energy, “well I won´t do it either, so, I guess we´re stuck with each other?”, she smiled, leaning back and closing her eyes as the clouds parted and let the sun through, her face turned towards the warmth, “seems that way”. 

the rest of the afternoon you spent getting lunch and coffee at a place you often went to, sitting in the sun and people watching, letting the time pass while you walked around, stopping here in there to walk into stores or buy a cold drink. naturally, you ended up back in your room with nothing else to do but get rid of the clothes you´d sweat through while walking around all day and getting your hands on each other, clumsy at first since you had gotten used to her much bigger bed, but you made it work, her hand between your legs as you made out, getting you worked up and soaked before she got down between your thighs and ate you out like she hadn´t done it in weeks, even though it had just been a day, messy and desperate, her hands pulling you down onto her face again each time she could feel you moving away, pushing your legs open if you squeezed them together, doing her best to turn you into an absolute mess, turned on from your desperate whining, your fingers in her hair, the taste of you all over her face, she´d never get tired of it, having you in your most vulnerable state, all to herself.

the thing that you realized while living with Tess was that she was a spontaneous lover, she didn´t have specific times of day where she needed it the most, she wasn´t a morning or a night person, it was unpredictable and you loved it that way, that she sometimes got random bursts of intense desire during the day, it was one of your favorite things about being around her so much, that you´d sometimes just be relaxing on the couch together and somehow end up having the most mind blowing sex at a random time like 5 pm. she realized while you were living with her how much she loved it, not planning hook-ups, but just responding to desire whenever it called to her because she had someone close by who wanted her, all the time, the reciprocal thing of “if you´re in the mood, I´m in the mood”. your week together had given you both a new relationship to your sexuality, it had become more playful and free but also more intense because the deep emotional bond was there. she never came hard with hookups because as much as she did not want to admit it, Tess was absolutely the type to need that loving component to really lose herself and get off in a truly satisfying way. 

you kept laying there for a while after, you fully undressed and she in her underwear, touching and caressing each other as you rested your eyes for a moment, before you got up to shower and get changed before going out for a drink. 

you knew where to take her, there weren´t many bars to choose from but one was a safe bet, it was the one that your roommate and you frequented most nights because it was not too overpriced, not too far away from campus, and had a veranda that was ideal for the warmer seasons. you and Tess stayed there for about an hour and a half, debriefing your day, you asking her for her honest opinion about your college, the vibe she was getting, her admitting that she was actually kind of jealous of you because being there had made her feel nostalgic for that time of her life even though it had been rough at times, she swirled the ice around in her drink as she thought about how to put it.

“the thing you´ll understand when you´re closer to my age is that even though you did suffer in your younger years and in college, you´ll still miss it, the specific feeling of being young but old enough to do whatever you want, living with friends, doing stupid shit for fun that would feel weird at an older age. I am not saying you have it easy, not at all, but just. try to soak this up” she said, gesturing around at the other people sitting outside, “you should try to enjoy your last year, really, don´t let me distract you from all of this too much.”. you smiled at her the entire time she spoke because you really liked it when she was more earnest, she always put things in a way that made sense to you, and you were grateful to have her perspective, you pulled her hand over onto your lap then, “I will think of you a lot, but yes, I´ll try to make the most of it, thank you for caring about all that, really”.

Tess patted your hand, “you should do shrooms or something, really get the most out of your student life” she joked, “oh sure, yeah, great advice”, “wait, you never told me, are you a party goer?”, you narrowed your eyes at her, “didn´t I tell you about how much of a loser I was last year? my friends dragged me out a few times but other than that, no”, she laughed then, leaning back and eyeing you with a hint of intrigue, imagining something, you could tell, so you asked, “what?”.

“oh I was just thinking about how you might look when you´re drunk and dancing with people”, she liked the image, you in some dark room with colorful lights illuminating your smiling face as you moved in unison with another girl, or multiple girls, it did turn her on, she couldn´t deny it.

“well, I wish you could find out” you said, smiling at her, leaning your head on your hands, “if I do end up going out, I´ll probably send you drunk texts and pictures, so there´s that” you added, amused by the idea of her receiving some overly affectionate messages from you at 2 am, she was too, “sounds good to me. what kind of drunk are you? touchy? the one that ends up crying? aggressive?”, you laughed, “I think I´m an emotional drunk, just showering everyone in compliments and random confessions of how much they mean to me, how pretty they are, etc.”, “okay damn, you´re making me jealous there”. “yeah with you it wouldn´t end well, I´d embarrass the fuck out of myself”, she knew what you were alluding to, the fact that “I love you so much” would probably slip out multiple times, “I´d like to see that to be honest” she admitted, you threw her a playful look “one day maybe”. 

around 10 pm you were back in your room, after a slightly tipsy walk back, and tired to make it as homely as possible by lighting a few candles and pulling the curtains half shut, leaving the window cracked, so you could hear some of the faint nightlife noise, laughter from a drunk group of people here and there, a few birds still singing at that hour, nothing city-like about it, no cars honking or sirens blaring because your town was rather secluded. Tess was soothed by it, the change of scenery, and you could tell as you saw her laying there in your bed with her arms behind her head, her eyes closed and a faint smile on her sun-kissed face as she waited for you to join her, her freckles visible even in the dim light. you snuggled up to her because there was not enough space for you both to spread out the way you had in her bed, but neither of you minded, it almost felt the way sleepovers had felt as a kid, being huddled up like that, she felt younger in that moment and she liked it, it was

comforting to be so far away from everything that tethered her to her usual routine, in the middle of someone else´s life.

you laid there with your arms wrapped around each other, your face against her chest, the blanket only pulled up to your waist because it was warm enough, both quiet for a while until you spoke up. “so. when are we seeing each other again”,your tone deeply serious, which was endearing to Tess, the fact that she was still there and you were already thinking about your reunion, clearly anxious about how long it would be until then, she thought about it as she slipped her hand under your shirt.“hm, let´s see, I can´t really take off work again in the next few weeks, but weekends are always good. and I know you should probably try to settle in here before coming back to my place, so how about the weekend after next one?”, you nodded, “okay, yes. oh wait, I don´t have classes on Mondays, so I could stay a day longer, I don´t mind if it´s a work day for you, we still have the morning and I´ll take a late train so we can have dinner too. or is that stressful for you?”, “no, that´s perfect, let´s do it. two weeks, that should be fine right?”, she said while glancing down at you, your grip on her suddenly tighter as you thought about the time you´d spend apart, you sighed, “should be, yeah. but I´ll still miss you”, she caressed your back in a soothing motion then, “I know, me too”. 

that night you both woke up multiple times but you weren´t bothered by it because you just used the few minutes you were awake to change positions to lay more comfortably again and to give each other some sleepy kisses on the shoulder or back or whatever body part was closest, hands always finding their way back under the fabric of your clothes, a lazy sensuality to those little windows of time where you were awake during the night. 

the next morning you grabbed breakfast at a place around the corner because you knew Tess was a coffee freak and would love their seasonal menu of various cold brews and you were right, she was blissed out sitting there with you in the morning sun. “you´re trying your best to make me come back here, aren´t you?” she said after she´d gotten up to order herself a second beverage, you just smiled, “maybe. is it working?”, she laughed, running her hands through her hair and taking in the surroundings, she had to admit she´d come to like it there, “kind of yeah. who knows, maybe one day I´ll get a spontaneous burst of recklessness and come surprise you”, your eyes lit up then, “please do that, I´m not kidding.” you loved the idea of living your life, going about your day, while knowing that there was always a slim chance that she might randomly appear at your doorstep one evening, she could tell, so she´d at least consider it, “okay, I´ll see what I can do”. 

your last few hours together were marked by that beautiful feeling of seeing a town right before it wakes up, the sun golden but not hot yet, only a few people besides you out on the streets, both you and Tess could appreciate the feeling of being in the middle of the city on a busy night, but for your farewell it was ideal to just sit there together and soak up the quiet, warm, almost dreamlike scenery. 

what you´d both realized during the course of your week together, was that neither of you were afraid to hold hands in public, to be affectionate and obviously romantically involved. you´d never even had the discussion if it was okay, most likely because you were both so aware of the limited amount of time you had together, that you wouldn´t let fear of judgment keep you from pulling your hand to your face or her from kissing your cheek when you were close enough to do it. there was a relaxed, natural feeling to your tenderness with each other, it was never awkward or clumsy, both of you had the instinct to reach out, all the time, whether you were sitting next to each other, or standing in line somewhere, or laying in bed, your hands always seemed to find their way to the exact spot where the other person wanted it, it hadn´t taken long at all for you to give each other exactly the kind of intimacy you needed. Tess had often been accused of being aloof and distant, even with women she was having sex with, so it surprised her to find that it wasn´t just an intrinsic issue, that she wasn´t fundamentally unromantic or fucked up, that she´d just been waiting to meet someone who brought that side of her out without force, which was a central thing about your appeal to her, the way you loved her without pushing her to give you more of herself than she was willing to, because you trusted that whatver she would offer would be more than enough.

in return, you loved that she was so calm in her obsession over you, it was clear that she was deeply into you, but she left you space to breathe, Tess knew that you didn´t need her to smother you to feel loved, and it created this deeply peaceful bond, one where both of you felt held and seen without ever feeling caged in, quite the opposite, you´d never felt freer than when you held and kissed each other, felt each other there at night or in the morning. 

around 11 am you walked Tess to her car, both of you walking much slower than necessary, eventually reaching the spot where she´d parked and unsure what to do, now that it was time to say goodbye. 

she put her bag in the backseat and came over to where you were standing, a parallel to how you´d greeted each other at the start of the week, her resting against the passenger door, you facing her, a silence, a shared moment of unwillingness to part ways, something somber and fragile in both of your expressions. you nervously shifted your weight as she looked at you, the way the light was hitting your face, the way your neck was bent, that space right above your shoulder where she´d placed countless kisses the days before, suddenly overcome with utter devastation over the fact that she´d return to an empty apartment, that she´d sleep alone again, that she wouldn´t feel you moving next to her in the night, that she wouldn´t spend her afternoons on the couch with your head in her lap. Tess couldn´t stop listing all the things she´d miss and without realizing a few tears had formed in her eyes, you caught it, looking at her while she was so lost in thought that she didn´t even realize until you stepped closer and touched her arm, a hint of a smile on your face as you asked, “hey, are you crying?”, unsure if you should comfort her or delight in the fact that she was so affected by the idea of your absence. 

she was slightly embarrassed and adjusted her posture to seem more secure as she briefly dabbed the corner of her eyes, “no…” a very unconvincing tone, because she knew you knew. you put your arms around her waist then, leaning in to kiss her temple, staring at her until she collected herself and met your eyes, her hands around your neck as she said, “listen, I know I am not the best at making speeches, but I need you to know that this whole week has been a dream, really. I can´t remember the last time I had this many good days in a row.” she was deeply serious about it, so you were too as you answered, “me neither. thank you isn´t enough to be honest, there was literally not one moment that I didn´t enjoy”, Tess could tell you meant it, and it made her feel good about herself, because that was all she´d hoped for, that you´d leave her place feeling better than when you´d come there, and she´d succeeded, very much so. 

“so, in two weeks then?” you said, a gentle smile, still holding onto her, “yes. be good in the meantime, eat well, sleep well, have some fun, all that. okay? none of that shit from last year” there was something parent-like about the way she´d phrased that, so you couldn´t help but say, “yes, mommy” which earned you a light slap from her, she wouldn´t let you get under her skin with that word, she was too stubborn to admit that it kind of turned her on. “shut up, I mean it! if you don´t look healthy the next time I see you, we´ll have a problem, miss”, you liked her slightly stern way of caring for you, it was a hot contrast to her softer side that you´d brought out, “okay, noted. I guess if there´s a serious issue I´ll just come to your place for a day, that should fix whatever´s wrong with me” you said in a low tone, playing with a strand of her hair, doing your best to make her feel weak in her knees. Tess had gotten used to it and grown to enjoy it, your shameless way of toying with her. 

“sure, if there´s an emergency, I´ll play nurse” she teased, gaining the upper hand again by giving you a deep kiss that left you flushed and frustrated over the fact that you´d have to wait fourteen days to do that again. “I´ll fucking miss you.” you uttered, shaking your head, you knew it was time to let go, because otherwise you´d stand there til nightfall, but you had one last thing to say, a stillness to you as you told her, “I love you.” the warmest smile on her face that you´d ever seen, a brief moment of her basking in the light of those words before she pulled you in for a final hug, whispering “I love you too.” as her head briefly rested on your shoulder, her arms tight around you, both of your eyes closed, your hearts beating slowly in unison. there was nothing stressful about that confession because the feeling of loving each other had been so palpable between you all the days before, neither of you were shocked or surprised, you were just full of warmth, flooded by a deep sense of ease, the kind that fills your body with a sensation that evokes the visual of a river of gold, running slowly through your core, spreading to your face, leaving you tingling all over, close to sighing from relief, from joy, from everything you´d come to cherish about your connection. 

for a few seconds you stayed like that until you squeezed each other´s hand and separated. once Tess sat behind the wheel, she pulled the window down, so you could lean in and rest your arms there for a moment, looking at her all doe eyed as you said, “call you later tonight?”, her hand on your arm, “tomorrow. gotta build up some suspense, sweetheart”, that familiar grin of hers as she pulled down her sunglasses. “sure, alright, let´s do that. I do hope you dream about me tonight though” the threatening tone of that statement amused her, “there´s a pretty good chance of that happening, don´t you worry, baby”. eventually you got up, giving her car a light slap on the hood as she started the engine and threw you a final glance, driving off with the window still down, wind in her hair, looking in the rearview mirror to confirm her suspicion, that you´d keep standing there, that you wouldn´t immediately turn around and walk away, a sudden urge in her chest to turn around, to fuck up her work schedule and tell her boss that she´s sick. 

for a good few minutes you just stood there by the side of the road, leaning against a lantern, unable to move on with your day, to go back to your own routine without her by your side. the initial pain that you both felt in your return to being alone was slowly but surely overshadowed by a deep feeling of gratitude, because you realized at the same time that you´d given each other a deeply precious gift; it was undeniable that it would have been ideal to lead a life where you could live together, where you could spend all your time together, neither of you would have ever denied that, you´d both dreamed about it, but your unique situation gave you both the gift of returning to your daily lives on your own with a completely different feeling and outlook compared to before, even though nothing about your circumstances had changed. Tess knew then as she was driving back home that she would not feel the same sense of dread every morning, that she would not dissociate as much as she always had before, that she´d move through her life with an unfamiliar sense of optimism, knowing you were out there and waiting to see her again. she knew that being at work would feel different, simply because she could spend the minutes she´d usually spent zoning out, thinking of you, what you were up to, how you might sound during a call later that day, what you´d want to tell her. 

you felt the exact same way as you walked back to your dorm with a dreamy look permanently frozen on your face because it dawned on you that your senior year of college would not be as hard as your junior year at all, you knew then that it would be easier to get up and move around, to look at the days ahead of you with hope, because regardless of was about to happen, you had someone out there who´d listen to your worries, who´d help you navigate your through it all, who´d always get your spirits up without even trying hard, hearing her voice would be enough to feel better after a rough day, making her laugh would be enough to feel useful, to feel like your presence mattered and helped other people move through their own lives a little easier. your love for her was reviving in a way, you felt stronger and more capable than before, you felt safe and secure knowing that life could shake you up however it wanted and you wouldn´t be scared, at least not the way you´d been before, because she´d be there, always, even if it was just a text or a call, you wouldn´t be lonely anymore, neither of you would be.

you had left each other with the most beautiful thought to hold close to your hearts:

someone out there loves and sees me for who I am at my core. someone out there prays that everything goes well for me. someone out there is waiting eagerly for me to come back to them, and I will. again and again and again.

[emmyrosee]

GUESS WHO’S BACK!!! WITH ANOTHER RANT!!! your resident haikyuu simp, that’s who. (a simp who is currently listening to her friend argue w her bf send help this is so awkward)

Today I offer: sunarin teasing a (slightly) jealous reader.

Okay so let’s just say that your relationship was more on the private side- no one outside of friends, his teammates and family knew he was dating anyone. But you’ve been together for so long?? Like years. And his fans for some reason seem to think he’s been dating some other public figure (up to your imagination) bc they’ve been at the same events a couple times now and somehow keep ending up in pics together. These two have like, never spoken aside from awkward small talk to be polite. Very un-relationship like. So anyway. You’re starting to not like the fact that every single time you open social media you’re flooded with fan pages shipping them, and Suna picks up on this and just??? Posts you one day??? Randomly??? And it’s both the sweetest and most annoying thing ever bc aww cute caption and stuff but “really, rin, did you NEED to add the picture of us from two years ago when my hair looked like that?” (He might have also posted a suggestive pic of you two or a video of you kissing or something at the end and you just haven’t scrolled that far yet so he basks in the peace and hides away before he can hear your shriek when you realize hehe)

Either way it’s sweet and things calm down after that, but he teases you RELENTLESSLY about the fact you were jealous and makes it known that you’re the only one for him ever. and that he would never even make you jealous on purpose or anything, he just likes the feeling of belonging to you as much as you belong to him <3

I’m just soft for rin, my next couple rants might be suna-centric :3

anon <3

WOULD LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE FOR ONE (1) SUNA RINTARO, HE IS THE LOML AND I WILL ABSOLUTELY DEVPUR ALL THE RINTARO RANTS-

Ahem.

He’s a shit. I love him so much.

Because like, yeah, okay, paparazzi are the worst, and while he’s still able to live his life like a standard person, he knows what people do to celebrities who are in relationships, and he doesn’t want to put you through that. Your friends respected that, his teammates completely close lipped -atsumu actually has it in his interview agreements he’s never to talk about any relationships, and honestly, it’s been a life saver for so many of his teammates- but nothings perfect.

Sometimes, like an idiot, Rin leaves the house with hickeys on full display. Just. Out and about. The media loves that, and usually, Rintaro doesn’t even care, whatever makes them happy.

But then it happens.

He gets out of a limo at a sponsor event, with a ‘mysterious woman,’ dress shirt wrinkled and tux closed haphazardly.

And of course, a hickey just above the pristine white collar.

This. Blows. Up.

Because of course it does, and of course people now assume this woman is the one who leaves marks on your boyfriends body, and how cool he is for dating someone uNdErGrOuNd and whatever the bloody hell they try to spew.

And it hurts, okay, because this woman- Atsumu’s stylist, literally because the man child can’t go one damned day without spilling something on himself, and that’s actually why she was helping Rin, dumbass spilt champagne all over his-damn-self- is very obviously not his partner, you are, and it’s just. It sucks watching them get fan edits and theories on how long they’re been together when you know the truth.

It turns you pretty sour towards him, almost resentful, and he tries to remind you that it’s just a rumor and you’re the only soul he’d ever want to be with, but it gets hard to believe when you open your Instagram and it’s about how stunning “Rin’s girlfriend” is.

And you, obviously, are not that person. You’re you.

Instead of sitting together, you’re sitting on one end of the couch, far from him; he tries to snuggle, and you get up and leave the room. Instead of holding his hand in the car, his hand tries desperately to paw for yours or even your thigh, just to hold onto you, but you turn towards the window. Instead of going with him places when he goes to see his buddies, you croak out an extremely sad “how about you go with the pretty lady who gives you hickeys?”

He feels bad for you, obviously. But in his own mind, he’s at his breaking point. He needs your attention and affection, he thrives and breathes and lives because of it, and now he’s losing his mind that he hasn’t had it for weeks.

So, against telling you, and hoping to smother any other rumors about himself and Atsumu’s stylist, he makes his post.

None of them have your whole face, maybe an eye or a smile or wearing a mask (he put some thought into this okay-) but it’s very obviously not the stylist. He posts a picture of a shadow in which your hands are holding, the next one is a picture you took, where your hand was shaped in half a heart and on the other end, he held up the other half to match, and finally, a video; one where he’s laying on top of you with his eyes closed, your hand in his hair and scratching his scalp while he sleepily mumbles how much he loves you (the last video is actually one he took of you suckling and marking up his neck, his raspy breath on the other end; extremely not safe for the internet, and naturally, when you saw that, you shit your pants and chased him with a shoe, but that’s not the point.)

It’s something he clearly wanted to fix, but also wanted to keep you as safe as possible. And you certainly appreciate it, and when you see what he did and how the comments are now hyping you up, you shuffle your way to find him. He’s on the couch, carding his own hair, and smiling up at you as you approach him.

“Thank you,” you whisper, and he shifts one of the legs sprawled out on the couch to rest on the floor so you can lay between them, which you do. “I hated being so far from you but… but I couldn’t-“

“I get it,” he assures, nosing softly at you. “It wasn’t fair to you. I know how much you hated it.”

“She was very pretty, though,” you confess, and he lowers his eyes to peek at you through his lashes.

“You think so?” He asks, shrugging as you nod. “Wasn’t really my type.”

[esther-dot]

i'm a sansa stan first and foremost, and i tried to ship s@nsan so hard lmaooo but when they start saying shit like "sansa has wet dreams about the hound" and "sansa actually likes older men", argh, i just can't. do. that. i know george said something about playing with it in the books, but i also think that he wanted to raise a few questions with the relationship, one of them being "who protects sansa from her protector?". like, there's TRAUMA in there. it's funny that they accuse jonsas of using sansa as a self-insert bc i don't know if you ever read a s@nsan fic or saw the fanarts, but they REALLY wanna bang that man 😭

(about this ask)

Nothing in the fandom horrifies me as much as Sansan. I’ve had nice Sansans come into my inbox, so I do distinguish between my feelings about the ship and the shippers, but I hate the reinterpretation of the Hound because it minimizes what he did/tried to do to Sansa. Instead of the later scenes where Sansa thinks of him being about her processing the trauma of his assault, suddenly, they become a gross villain whitewashing, victim-blamey, “actually, she wanted it.”

I once even highlighted that whole "who will protect us from the guards" idea you mention because I think it was meant to emphasize what a travesty the Hound’s assault was:

(link)

This isn’t a romance, this is a pattern. The Hound saves her than tries to rape her, Tyrion is kind to her then agrees to marry her, a child, a prisoner of his family, and LF rescues her but then starts to sexually molest her. All the same, in each of these instances, Sansa is grateful, she thinks kindly of them, and I think that says a lot about Sansa that you completely miss if you romanticize it and pretend that the Hound is someone, something to her, that he isn’t. I also talk about the whole cloak thing in that post too because I think the more contextualized reading is the one we’re meant to adopt.

When I did take a look at the meta, I was so creeped out by the nature of it and the art. Although, I want to give credit where it’s due. Apparently they were some of the first people to start taking Sansa seriously and created the reading of Sansa becoming a political factor, so they did change the fandom’s perception of Sansa in a good way. But imo their love of the Hound causes an imbalance in how they read their scenes. The point isn't that the Hound wouldn't have hurt Sansa, the point was that he very well might have but Sansa's actions stopped him which ties into a much bigger idea and important aspect of Sansa's story:

Even after the Hound assaults Sansa, later, she thinks of how terrifying the fire was, as in, even then, she is able to empathize with him, the man who held a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her. It’s laughable to suggest a man who mocked her relentlessly for who she was is capable of the same consideration. In fact, it is in a state of terror that the Hound attempts to rape Sansa and his fans use that to excuse his actions, and yet, while he is assaulting her, Sansa sings of mercy, gently touches his cheek. It’s almost like the very obvious interpretation, that the way to create a better world is Sansa’s method— not his— is what Martin expected people to understand, and his surprise people have turned it into something else altogether is genuine. (link)

As for Martin admitting he "played" with it, here's a clip. It's very short, and he's expressing surprise that his female readers like villains of which the Hound is one, and I think you can tell by his facial expression that the idea of the Hound and Sansa as a couple, is absolutely not where he ever intended to take things, not what he meant when he said he played with it. There are countless old monster movies with the monster being fascinated with a young girl or beautiful woman which humanizes him/shows a soft side. That's similar to Beauty and the Beast, the girl is what allows the monster to become human again, but in these variations, it isn't a romance. You can play with/reference tropes and ideas without it actually being a direct reiteration of the original story.

Anyway, filter and block and curate your fandom experience! 😅

[bookworm551]

Of Duty and Desire | Chapter 4 | Neteyam x Metkayina!reader

A/N: So, ya girl got COVID on Monday, so I’ve had to miss work all week, but let my misfortune be your blessing bc I was able to finish this chapter early. Thank you for all the love from this fic, it’s almost finished!! I promise the next part will be fluffier, but in the meantime, I hope you enjoy angst :)

Words: 6.5k

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Epilogue

Fate seemed to be making a fool out of you. Before, when you wanted to see Neteyam, it was like he was never there, but now, one week after his confession, you were constantly running into him. To make matters worse, you were never alone together. There was always someone there to force the two of you into awkward interactions that you both wanted to avoid, and you would just have to pretend like everything was fine.

What was surprising was that nobody seemed to notice. Nobody paid any attention to the fact that you two were almost like strangers to each other. You wouldn't even look at each other if you could help it, though you couldn't resist watching his face every now and then when he wasn't looking.

You felt miserable, and there was no way to stop it. You had nobody to talk to about it since the one person you would go to was the one person you were avoiding. You wished that you had listened to him, that you hadn't pried, because now he didn't even acknowledge you in public. He would just nod politely like he would any stranger, or sometimes he wouldn't do anything at all. He would just walk by like you weren't there.

The only person who could manage to take your mind off of Neteyam was Tsireya. The two of you were inseparable, and even though you felt you couldn't tell her the truth about Neteyam, being around her eased the hurt you were hiding. You would often ask her to accompany you on errands around the island just so that you wouldn't have to be alone with your thoughts.

On one such occasion, the two of you were planning a trek up the island mountain to gather as many star berries as possible now that they were in season. You each had a large basket and a pouch full of water as you set off towards the trees to the mountain. As you crossed the beach, your attention was drawn to the figures of Lo'ak and Neteyam not far off.

You looked away quickly and hoped desperately that they didn't see you, but your luck didn't hold because Tsireya saw them, too. You sighed as she called out for the boys, and they both crossed over to where you both stood. You gave Neteyam a quick glance before looking down at the sand.

"We are heading up the mountain to pick star berries," Tsireya explained with a shining smile. "You should join us!" Lo'ak returned her smile eagerly and replied, "Sure, that sounds like fun." You stifled a sigh. Of course, he would agree to come with the two of you.

Neteyam glanced back and forth between you and Lo'ak uncomfortably. "Actually, there is something I need to go do," he said quietly and took a step back. Lo'ak shot his brother a confused look. "What are you talking about, bro?" He asked, giving Neteyam a light smack on his arm. "Don't be a wuss, come on."

Neteyam looked carefully over at you and hesitated. You realized that he was gauging your reaction to see how he should reply. If he came, it would force the two of you to interact more than you had the whole week put together. At first, you were inclined to react negatively, but after a split second, you said, "These baskets will be heavy when they're full. It would be nice to have more hands to carry them."

Neteyam blinked in surprise before nodding slowly. "Alright," he conceded. Honestly, you surprised yourself. Maybe it was for the best that you avoided him, but doing that was already causing you so much misery. If you could try and ease the tension between you, perhaps you could regain some semblance of your friendship again.

The four of you walked together into the trees. Tsireya and Lo'ak stepped side-by-side while you and Neteyam each walked on the opposite sides of them. You listened to their chatter while occasionally joining in to seem less awkward.

The path through the trees eventually narrowed so that only two at a time could walk together. Tsireya and Lo'ak pushed through together, forcing you and Neteyam to fall behind them. He hadn't said a word this whole time, and it seemed he would keep it that way unless you interjected.

"Hi," you said softly, looking up at him with a faint smile. He glanced over at you in mild surprise before replying back, "Hi." You took a couple of steps in silence while you thought of something better to say.

"Listen, I—," "I'm sorry—,"

You both rushed to speak at the same time, cutting each other off. Awkwardly, you both gave weak smiles before Neteyam said, "You first." You took a breath to regain your thoughts before speaking.

"I wanted to say that we shouldn't have to be so formal around each other," you explained quietly. "I miss speaking with you, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life treating you like a stranger." He took a couple of steps in contemplation. "And how should we be around each other?" He asked thoughtfully.

You gave a soft shrug. "Like friends," you suggested. He didn't say anything for a moment, he just looked up the trail where Lo'ak and Tsireya had disappeared to. "Friends," he repeated slowly like he was testing the word in his mouth. You nodded. "Friends," you confirmed.

He seemed dubious, but he nodded with you. "It's your turn now," you stated. "What were you going to say?" He looked over at you with a faint smile that quickly faded away. "I am sorry for my behavior lately," he told you sincerely. "I wasn't sure how to handle everything, so I just decided that avoiding you was for the best."

You sighed as you looked down at the shrubs around your feet. "I understand," you said. "And I am sorry for what I did, too. I should not have pried, it was wrong." He shook his head with a sigh. "I was pulling away," he explained. "You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry."

You walked in a slow silence for a while. The path through the trees was now clearing up and turning upwards into the mountain. Lo'ak and Tsireya were already way ahead of you. "Keep up!" Lo'ak called from above with a laugh.

You and Neteyam shared a look before increasing your pace across the ground. The terrain was growing rocky, and your large basket made the ascent a little awkward. At one point, you stopped before a steep boulder, trying to figure out the best way up. Neteyam scaled it easily before turning back and offering his hand wordlessly.

You hesitated for half a moment before taking his hand, and he effortlessly pulled you up to him. You stood face-to-face for a moment with your hand still in his. His eyes flickered back and forth between your eyes and lips for a beat before he dropped your hand and took a step back toward the trail.

Heart pounding, you sighed and shook yourself mentally. Friends, you reminded yourself. Just be friends. You pressed on after the others ahead of you.

Before long, you all came upon the bushes of star berries that grew along the trail. The four of you immediately began picking, feeling triumphant about finally reaching your destination. All around you, the bushes spread over the ground and intermingled among various plants and flowers.

"Don't eat them!" Tsireya scolded Lo'ak playfully as he popped the berries into his mouth. You couldn't help but laugh as he skipped out of reach from your friend's swatting hands. "Just a couple won't hurt," Lo'ak argued with a grin.

He headed further up to start picking the berries further away so he could snack on them without fear of getting whacked for it. You shook your head at him with a smile as you, Tsireya, and Neteyam worked closely together to harvest the sweet food. "That skxawng is going to eat them all," Neteyam stated with a sigh, earning a laugh from you and Tsireya.

"I'm glad the rain lilies are still in bloom," you noted. "They are so pretty." Tsireya hummed in agreement. She leaned over to where a large, red flower grew from the ground and plucked it. With a smile, she turned back to you and placed it behind your ear.

"There," she said proudly. You laughed at her playfully but kept the flower in place. "Doesn't she look beautiful?" She asked Neteyam. His eyes glanced up at your face, and he smiled softly. "Very," he agreed after a beat.

You turned your head away to focus on picking more berries while you felt a warm blush spread across your face. Maybe having him come was not such a good idea.

Slowly, you made your way up the trail with your basket growing heavier and heavier. Tsireya had gotten up and moved over to Lo'ak to keep him from eating all the berries he picked, leaving you and Neteyam to work in silence together. You wanted to say something, but the words just didn't seem to flow like they used to. Now, it seemed that you had too much to say and no way of saying it.

After you had cleared most of the bushes around you, you stood up to move further up the trail. As you stood, the flower resting behind your ear came loose and fluttered down to the ground. Before you could stoop down and grab it, Neteyam reached over to where the flower had fallen and picked it up. He stood up beside you and brought his hand up to your head.

He carefully placed the flower behind your ear again, his fingers brushing against your hair as he stared down at you. You felt paralyzed as you looked up at him. His eyes were trained on the lily for a moment before moving to look at your eyes. You could see the longing in his face as his fingers slowly moved down and gently traced the edge of your face, causing your breath to falter.

With a heavy sigh, he closed his eyes and pulled back. "Friends," he muttered under his breath as he grabbed the basket off the ground and moved over to where the others were. You stood there for a moment and took a deep breath. This definitely wasn't a good idea.

You all continued collecting berries until both baskets were completely full. Together, you and the others hauled your harvest back down the mountain, Lo'ak and Tsireya walking together with a basket between them, leaving you and Neteyam to walk together with the other basket in silence.

"Surely, we can have a normal conversation together," you said finally, breaking the awkward silence between you.  "I miss talking to you." Neteyam didn't say anything for a beat before responding, "I miss talking to you as well." He looked over at you and studied your face for a moment. "I just—," he hesitated, and you both slowed your pace. "I don't know how to be 'just friends' when I feel the way I do," he admitted. "Or when I know how you feel, too."

You looked away from him, feeling slightly abashed. "I know," you said quietly. "I wish it was simple." You kept walking a few paces before stopping, forcing Neteyam to stop with you. "You know why it must be this way, yes?" you wondered aloud, staring up at him intently. He hesitated and took a deep breath.

"Yes," he answered quietly. "I know that you have a duty to uphold to your people." You nodded solemnly, turning back to walk down the trail. Neteyam didn't move though, and you looked back up at him questioningly. "But if you had a choice...," he began slowly, watching you carefully for your reaction.

You shook your head and gave him a warning look. "Don't do that," you told him in a low voice. "There is no choice, and wishing that there was will only make this worse." You noticed how his jaw flexed at your words as he stared down at you. You held his gaze for a moment before he looked away with a faint nod and continued down the path.

The truth was that you did wish that you had a choice. You tore yourself up over it day and night, yet somehow, it was more painful knowing that he also participated in that self-inflicted torture. Hearing it out loud made you aware of just how hurtful wishful thinking could be when there was no possibility of it coming true.

Still, Neteyam didn't seem happy with what you said, and he didn't say anything else for the rest of the trip back to the village. When you arrived back, you left your baskets with those preparing the food for the night. Neteyam immediately began walking away back toward the beach, but you still felt dissatisfied with how your conversations ended and wanted to give it one more try.

"Neteyam," you called out, stepping quickly across the sand to catch up to him. He stopped walking at the sound of your voice, but he didn't turn around. You grabbed his arm gently and pulled him around to face you. He turned to you with closed eyes and took a deep breath.

"Can you just tell me what you're thinking?" you pleaded softly. He opened his eyes and looked down at you tenderly. He waited a moment before speaking. "I want to be with you," he quietly admitted at last. "All the time, every day, I want to be with you." You stared up at him wordlessly as he took a breath. His face was gentle and forlorn as he gazed down at you.

"But you have an obligation to be with someone else," he continued with a slight shake of his head. "So, as much as I want to be with you, I think that me staying away is for the best." Your jaw clenched reflexively at his words, feeling the sting of them deep in your chest.

You stood there, not sure of what to say to him. "I am sorry," he whispered earnestly. "This is how it must be." Your eyes met his, and you could see that he truly looked regretful at what he was saying. He could only hold your gaze for a few seconds before he turned around and walked away, leaving you standing on the beach hurt and alone.

The hurt hadn't subsided by the next day, but you carried on as normally as you could. You didn't see him at all the whole day, even during meal times. He seemed to be committed to his resolve of staying away from you.

Later in the day, you were working in Ronal's tent when, from the corner of your eye, you saw a dark blue figure enter into the tent. With a heavy sigh, you closed your eyes. "I thought you said you weren't—," you cut yourself off mid-sentence as you opened them again. Lo'ak was standing there with one of his human-like eyebrows raised apprehensively.

"Sorry," you muttered, slightly embarrassed. "I thought— I thought you were Neteyam." With an awkward look, Lo'ak replied slowly, "Uh-huh." Taking a breath, you asked him, "What can I help you with?"

He studied you for a second. "My mother sent me to get something for a stomachache," he explained. You nodded and pushed yourself up from the floor to walk across the tent.

As you were searching for the appropriate remedy, Lo'ak said, "Speaking of Neteyam—," You sighed in exasperation at his words. You did not want to talk about Neteyam, especially not to his brother. "Sore subject?" Lo'ak observed. You shook your head, trying to remain as neutral as possible. "Why would he be?" You asked mutely.

From the corner of your eye, you could see that Lo'ak crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't know," he replied, "but you're definitely a sore subject for him." You glanced over at him for a second before turning away, but you caught the expectant look on Lo'ak's face.

"What's going on with you guys?" He asked in concern. You paused, deliberating whether or not you should tell your friend what had happened. "It's nothing," you told him, grabbing a handful of leaves. You turned back to him and handed him the remedy. "Soak this in water and have her drink it," you instructed.

Lo'ak took the leaves but studied your face closely. "Whatever is going on with you," he said slowly, "it's killing him. I've never seen him like this before." Your chest tightened painfully, and you closed your eyes, fighting to stay composed. "Lo'ak," you pleaded quietly. "Just leave it."

He stared at you, unsure of what to do or say. Finally, he said, "Listen, I know that my brother can be annoying, but he cares about you a lot, you know?" You looked down at the floor. "I know," you responded quietly. Lo'ak shook his head. "It doesn't really seem like it," he countered. You felt your impassive countenance crumble as your throat tightened, and you looked up at him slowly.

"I know," you whispered.

Lo'ak froze, and his whole demeanor shifted as he realized what you were saying. "Oh," he replied in a loud whisper. "He told you?" You sighed regretfully. There was no point in denying it now.

"I sort of forced it out of him," you admitted. He hummed in understanding. "So that's why you guys have been acting weird," he surmised. You looked away from him with a faint nod. "It has been difficult for us to be around each other," you told him.

"What does Aonung think?" Lo'ak asked. You shook your head. "He doesn't know," you explained. "He can't know." Lo'ak raised an eyebrow at you. "You didn't tell him?" he sounded surprised. You sighed and ran a hand over your face. "Of course not," you replied. "It would just lead to more problems."

There was a pause, and from the corner of your eye, you could see Lo'ak watching you carefully. "Aonung does not have feelings for me," you explained slowly. "But if he finds out that Neteyam does, he will be very angry with him. And with me." Lo'ak looked at you in curiosity. "Why would he be angry with you?" he questioned.

You didn't respond for a moment, you just turned and looked up at him sadly. "Lo'ak," you whispered urgently. "It's not just Neteyam who has feelings. I...," you trailed off, hoping that he could pick up on what you were trying to say.

Fortunately, he did. "Oh," he whispered, and then his eyes widened at the realization of what you were saying. "Oh." He looked behind himself to make sure nobody was lurking by the entrance before he asked in a loud whisper, "You like him back?!"

You shushed him with a light smack on the arm, feeling embarrassed at his conclusion, but you were not able to deny it. "Oh, that is bad," he continued quietly, unfazed at you hitting him. "I thought you loved Aonung." You closed your eyes in exasperation. Maybe you should have kept this to yourself.

"We are betrothed," you explained in a hushed tone. "But we do not have feelings for each other. We never have." Lo'ak crossed his arms as he looked at you with a puzzled face. "Then why would you agree to be with him if you guys didn't like each other?" he questioned.

You let out a huff of irritation. Was he really this oblivious? "Don't you see?" You said desperately. "This has all been arranged since I was younger than Tuk." Lo'ak's eyebrows furrowed, and he seemed taken aback somewhat. "What do you mean?" He asked.

You sighed and shook your head. "My mother and Ronal have been close friends their whole lives. So, when my mother had a daughter and Ronal had a son...," you sighed in resignation. "It was obvious." Lo'ak didn't say anything as he watched you carefully. "When I turned 15," you continued, "they did a formal announcement, but it was all for show. I knew Ronal had chosen me, and saying yes seemed like the right thing for the People."

You paused as you remembered the day. Your family had seemed so happy, as did his. With hundreds of eyes on you, you accepted the role of tsakarem in front of the whole clan. You hadn't realized at the time what you were giving up, but how could you? You had never planned on falling in love with an Omatikayan warrior.

"So," Lo'ak began slowly, "you never really wanted any of this, did you?" You shook your head sadly. "No," you whispered. "And I cannot give up my position without bringing shame and dishonor to myself, my family, and Aonung. I would practically be an outcast." He nodded and gave you a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry," he told you earnestly. "Being an outcast is no fun, trust me." You gave him a weak smile and sighed again.

"You cannot tell anyone this," you said insistently. "Not Kiri, not Tuk, and definitely not Tsireya." You shot him a pointed look. Lo'ak raised his hands in surrender and said, "Alright, alright. Your secret is safe with me," then added as an afterthought, "but it won't be safe for long if you two don't figure out some way to act normally around each other. People are going to notice."

You nodded mutely at him. He was right— people would notice if you continued with this estranged relationship. "Thank you," you said quietly. "For listening and for keeping this quiet." He nodded softly and chuckled.

"If this gets out, Neteyam would be in more trouble than I've ever been in," he stated in amusement. You shot him a glare and smacked his arm again. "That's not funny," you told him in a serious tone. "Alright, it's not funny," he conceded with a wry grin still on his face. "I'm going to take this to my mother now."

You nodded and watched him leave. It felt nice to have a confidant, but your stomach still twisted with anxiety. Of all the people who could have found out, did it really have to be Lo'ak?

You were relieved, however, that Lo'ak seemed to keep your secret. He didn't tell, and he didn't try to interfere with the mess between you and his brother. You still didn't see Neteyam around very much, and it still hurt knowing why.

The first time you saw him again after picking berries was just a couple days after Lo'ak found out. You were all eating dinner together when Aonung came up to your circle of friends with Neteyam at his side. "I have found our wayward friend," Aonung joked as he sat down beside you. Neteyam had not sat with you all in nearly a week, and the others had started to notice his unexplained absence.

"Is it so bad for one to eat with their parents?" He defended with a small smile. Aonung rolled his eyes playfully. "If you don't like us, just say so," he replied. Neteyam chuckled at his friend and sat down across from you. You didn't bother looking at him, keeping your eyes trained on your food.

"Tomorrow, all of us are going hunting out past the reef," Aonung told him. "You should come with us." Neteyam paused in consideration. "All of you?" He asked casually, but you knew why he was asking.

"Not me," you interjected. "I am working with Ronal all day in the village, so I cannot go out hunting with them." Aonung nudged you gently. "You do not even like going out past the sea wall," he noted with a knowing smirk. The corners of your mouth turned upwards. He was right, you much preferred staying in the reef. It was much more beautiful than outside the drop-off, and you enjoyed the peacefulness of it all.

"I know," you said, nudging him back, "but I still wish I could choose." Neteyam couldn't help but give a quiet huff at your statement and replied quietly, "Wishing for a choice you don't have always makes it worse."

Neteyam hadn't really meant for you to hear it, but you did. The smile on your face immediately vanished, and you stared down at your food again. He saw your reaction and immediately knew that he had crossed the line. You didn't look at him or say anything else for the rest of the meal, and it weighed on him heavily. He decided to wait until you dismissed yourself to go and apologize in private, but you finished at the same time as Tsireya, and without another word, you left with her.

After everyone had finished eating, Neteyam went off on his own to find you before it grew too late in the evening. He walked through the village to where your home was, but he soon found it was empty. He was walking back towards the beach again when he came across Tsireya, who informed him that you had gone out for a late-night walk alone.

"She said she needed to clear her mind," she explained to him with a small shrug. Neteyam nodded gratefully and continued walking along the beach. He knew you enjoyed unwinding on the beach like you had the night he took you out on his ikran, and so he trailed the perimeter of the island in hopes of coming across you.

He wandered further and further away from the village until he came across the edge of the sea wall where the water ran over the edge of the rocks. He paused.  When I need to clear my mind, I have a secret place I like to go to. That's what you had told him before. Looking around, he recognized this as the north end of the sea wall, right where you told him you go.

Glancing around to ensure that no one was present to see him, Neteyam walked into the waves and began swimming out toward the overflowing water. The rocks of the sea wall stood out high above the rest of the sea, and the falling water produced a steady roar that drowned out most of the noise around.

Taking a breath, Neteyam submerged himself under the water where you said the cave entrance was. It was difficult to see, so he kept a hand on the rock as he swam deeper and deeper until it gave way and started receding away from him. Following the tunnel with his hand, he swam into the entrance of the rock until he began to see a faint glow ahead. He didn't have to swim far before the tunnel turned upward and his head broke the surface of the water.

You were sitting beside the pool of water that Neteyam had popped up from, and when you saw him, you gasped in surprise and jumped to your feet in alarm. "You scared me," you whispered harshly as you took a couple of steps back to regain your composure and calm your startled heart.

"I'm sorry," he said earnestly, but he couldn't resist a small smile at your reaction. "I thought I would find you here." You sighed in resignation. "You are the only one who could," you replied under your breath, sounding almost regretful that you had revealed your hiding spot to him.

Taking in the sight of the cave, Neteyam was impressed. The roof of the cave was high enough for even the tallest of Na'vi to stand at full height without issue, and in the dim light, Neteyam saw that the cave pushed back far into the body of the rock. The ground surrounding the water was smooth, and looking up along the damp cavern walls, there was glowing lichen growing over the rocks, casting a bluish glow throughout the whole space. It was beautiful.

You watched as he pulled himself up from the pool, droplets of water falling from his lean figure. "What are you doing here?" you questioned in a defeated voice. He took a breath, all the amusement from startling you disappearing from his face. "I am sorry for what I said before at dinner," he said honestly, stepping toward you. "I shouldn't have said anything."

You hugged yourself defensively and looked away from him. "You weren't wrong," you muttered quietly. He shook his head with a sigh. "That doesn't mean it was right for me to say," he pointed out. You didn't respond, keeping your eyes fixed on a particular spot on the wall to avoid looking at him.

"I know you want things to go back to how they were," he said gently, "but I do not think that is possible." You closed your eyes at his words, already feeling emotional about what he had said earlier in the evening. "I can't pretend to be fine while you are betrothed to someone else," he continued. "I just— I don't know how to be around you...but I can't seem to stay away from you."

You huffed dejectedly and fought back tears. You were so tired, both physically and emotionally. The friction between the two of you had been wearing you down since he had revealed his feelings for you. It was so difficult for you to go from being as close as you were to now having this tense and strained relationship. You wanted to make things right, but now, it felt impossible.

"So that's it?" you asked quietly. "We just go on with our lives acting like we don't know each other?" He looked down at you sadly without reply. "I don't want to do that," you continued softly. "I still care about you, Neteyam, but when you just ignore me, it feels like you hate me." His eyes softened at your words, and you had to glance away in order to keep your emotions in check. You whispered finally, "I don't know what to do to make it stop."

After a brief silence, Neteyam let out a regretful sigh. To your surprise, he took a step forward and reached out to take your hand in his. "I don't hate you," he muttered quietly. "Not even close." You looked up at his face, his ordinarily amber eyes appearing green in the light of the cave lichen. "You could've fooled me," you mumbled under your breath.

He closed his eyes and squeezed your hand gently. "I don't hate you," he repeated insistently. "I am angry, but not at you." His hand dropped from yours, and you immediately missed his touch. "I'm angry with myself for being so...," he looked away as he searched for the right words. "For not being able to let you go."

You felt an aching in your chest at his words. You had lost track of the hours you stayed up at night wishing that things could be different, that you didn't have to be with Aonung, that you could renounce your title without bringing shame to your family. You felt tears prick at your eyes as you looked at Neteyam's defeated face. The truth was, you hadn't been able to let go of him either.

You shook your head sadly. "Neteyam," you said softly. "Talking about it will only make it harder for both of us." He scoffed quietly at your words. "I think that makes it worse, too," he added. "The fact that you feel the same way, and so we are both here quietly suffering."

You felt somewhat attacked by his words. "You know why I can't," you told him sharply. "You of all people should know what it's like to have to put your duties before yourself." He grimaced. "Of course, I know," he murmured under his breath. "It's all I've ever known. All my life, I have done what is expected of me. I have always played the parts I was given— the son of Olo'eyktan, older brother, warrior, future leader."

His voice was growing more heated as he spoke, and he took a step toward you, drawing even closer. "And I have never complained. I have never once tried to do something or be someone else, and I was fine with it. Even when I wanted different, I never complained." He glanced away for a moment and clenched his jaw. When he looked back at you, you could see the frustration burning in his face. "I just—," he paused, staring at you intensely. "I've never wanted anything as much as I want you."

Your voice felt stuck. Your heart was beating so hard that you were surprised the sound of it wasn't echoing in the cave around you.

Neteyam shook his head and looked down at the floor. "Maybe if you didn't care," he continued quietly, "or even if you hated me, maybe I could bear it. But to know that you...," he trailed off, his hands clenching into fists. "It burns," he said softly. His eyes flashed up to yours, and you could see his face contorted in frustration and longing.

"Doesn't it burn for you?"

Your throat tightened, and for a moment, you couldn't say anything. You clenched your jaw as you fought to stay composed. "Of course it burns," you whispered back, not trusting your voice. "Every day it burns. Every day I wish things were different. I wish—," your voice cracked as you got louder, making you pause.

You shook your head in remorse. "But I can't get my wish. I will never get it. People like you and I don't get what we want. That is the sacrifice demanded of us, for our duty." Neteyam remained still for a beat. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I know," he whispered. "You're right. I'm sorry."

You sighed and ran a frustrated hand over your face. "Don't you just wish it would stop?" You asked quietly. He looked down at you, and his gaze softened. He no longer looked upset, just sad. After a moment, he replied softly, "No." You blinked up at him, surprised by his answer.

"I just wish it could be real," he whispered, his eyes settling on your face intently.

There was something about his answer that made your heart start beating faster. Maybe it was the way he cocked his head at you with his eyes staring at you desirously. Perhaps it was how the glowing reflections of the water around you illuminated his face. It may have been the tone of his voice as he spoke, but whatever it was, it made your mind freeze.

Without another thought or another word, you stepped forward and kissed him.

Neteyam melted into you instantly. He brought his hands around your waist as you slid your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you. Your lips broke apart for a second before he eagerly returned for more.

It was everything you wanted. His strong body leaned against yours, and you could feel the muscles in his shoulders under your hands. He pressed against you, and you took a couple of steps backward with blind trust. Without breaking your kiss, one of his hands left your body to catch the wall behind you before your back came to rest against it.

He couldn't seem to get enough of you as he deepened the kiss, his tongue tracing the edge of your lips. You sighed against his mouth, all the tension you had been feeling for so long finally being released. He moved his lips down to your jaw and kissed you all the way down to your neck. You moaned softly as his lips trailed down your sensitive skin. You raised your hand to hold his head as he kissed you when something made him pause.

He pulled back slightly, and you opened your eyes to look at him. You saw that his eyes were fixated on your neck, or more specifically, what rested on your neck. Your hand came up and felt the akula tooth hanging on the necklace Aonung made for you.

Oh no.

You were instantly brought back to reality with a sharp gasp. You pulled your arms away from Neteyam and brought the back of your hand to your lips. This was all wrong. You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be doing this.

Neteyam seemed to realize at the same time as you what you had done, and he stepped back with a distressed look. "I'm sorry," he whispered apologetically. You closed your eyes, trying to keep yourself composed. "No," you replied softly. "It was me, I—," you took a shaky breath, still keeping your eyes shut. "I should not have— I am sorry."

You could still feel the memory of his lips against yours, the warmth of his arms around your body. Even now, you could hear his heavy breathing. You opened your eyes and saw Neteyam's concerned face staring back at you. He looked so worried for you. In his eyes, you could see the longing he felt for you, but he stayed back for your sake.

"I can't do this," you whispered finally. "I thought I could, but I can't." His eyes flashed in pain at your words, but he didn't say anything. You stepped away from the wall, still feeling your heart beat rapidly in your chest.

As you moved away, Neteyam whispered your name softly, making you hesitate. You wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in his arms again, to feel his lips on yours. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't mean to upset you." He shifted anxiously before repeating softly, "I don't know how to stay away from you."

You closed your eyes tightly at his words. "No," you said quietly. "I cannot trust myself around you." You opened your eyes and saw the pain clearly displayed across his face. "Please," he whispered. "Don't go." Your throat tightened, and tears welled in your eyes. "I'm sorry," you said, your voice cracking.

You turned, dove back into the pool, and prayed that Neteyam didn't follow you. Even if he did jump after you, though, you knew you were the faster swimmer, and you moved as quickly as you could away from the edge of the sea wall and back to the village.

That night, you got no sleep. You tossed and turned, the memories of the night replaying over and over again in your head. You couldn't shake the memory of his lips moving against yours, the warmth of his body pressed close to you, and the desperation of Neteyam's touch on your skin. What was most prevalent in your mind was the overwhelming guilt you felt at everything.

How could you face Ronal and Aonung knowing what you had done?

Chapter 5

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Taglist: @mashiromochi @eywas-heir @kafanizdakicokiyi @plzfeedmebread @afro-hispwriter @fanboyluvr @anm3mi @sadexact @peachinsomnia @fluroescentxadolescent @doulcha @crazy4books1 @im-in-a-pansexual-panik​

[beauzos]

Amara is a really interesting character to me. she acts so fucking strange that i honestly thought there was a high chance that she was the ultimate bad guy in Turnabout Revolution lol. i don't know what they were going for with her honestly. i wanna explore her more in my writing eventually. because i can't give any of these characters a happy ending i can't help but feel like Amara and Nahyuta would butt heads, like, a lot. not that they don't love each other, because they really do, but i feel like they really would not understand each other.

Nahyuta grew up in a totally different world than Amara. his lived experiences are wildly different from hers. they'd probably argue about Dhurke, what he'd want, who "knows" him more, they'd argue about what the best thing to do for Khura'in is (which i feel Nahyuta wouldn't mind-- he shouldn't be able to do whatever he wants as regent, so he appreciates a dissenting opinion), they'd argue about Rayfa, about him and what he's doing with his life, so on. i feel like Amara would have very particular ideas of what she wants, thinks, and expects of Nahyuta, and Nahyuta is very much so... not what she expects, i think. like, she knew him probably a little as Nayna, but i don't think she ever really knew him.

and Nahyuta canonically doesn't talk about his feelings or what he's thinking and is very private, so he's not easy to know because i imagine he's still mentally on guard with basically everyone in his life because it's what he's used to. and he's not the beau ideal of a prince or leader. he's just a guy who grew up dirt poor in an isolated world suddenly thrust into great political power at the center of his nation. Amara probably has lofty expectations for her kids, and she's probably spent a long time daydreaming of what it'd be like if they could all be together again, and finding it not exactly as she expected, probably becomes rather upset.

i also think that Nahyuta gets along extremely well with Rayfa after they get used to each other, and i think that would mess with Amara too. that Rayfa connects so easily to Yuta, but she can't seem to connect with either of hers, even though she raised Rayfa the whole time! it's a lot of frustration and missed connections that no one is certain of how to fix. Amara means well, but i just get the vibe she's naturally overbearing and she'll keep running into walls with Yuta (and Rayfa, though they get along a lot better than her and Yuta) because of that.

and i can also see how it might feel so gutting that she and Nahyuta are so different and so constantly at odds when he resembles her so much. i'm sure people have always compared them and in the brief times when she was able to be in his life as a kid, i think she had high expectations of having a daughter child that is like an extension of herself-- and she hasn't yet let go of the idea of that. but Nahyuta is nothing if not his own person post-SOJ, so it'd be a struggle. on the opposite side, Nahyuta has always struggled with feeling like he's in Amara's shadow-- he looks nothing like his father, acts nothing like his father, and must constantly be compared to her because of his looks, this woman he never got to know, this woman who has almost never truly been in his life. he doesn't want to be compared to her.

what a mess.

i wanted to explore that frayed relationship a bit in Rebel Killer, but there was no real time, so i just kinda hinted at things being kinda awkward with them. but you know i'm kind of enamored with how awkward, unpleasant, and strange it'd be between them despite their best efforts bcs of the fic i was planning about Nahyuta and Amara when Yuty was a kid. i'll get back to that eventually, but i do wanna show what their dynamic is like post-SOJ eventually too, because i imagine it's very weird and hard for them to make sense of. they're trying, but they just can't understand each other quite yet.

[toburnup]

Okay bestie for the dvd commentary ask- the latest chapter of IYLO!!

"Hm." Steve tilts his head, examines the side of Tommy's face. It's so dark inside the car that he can barely see him, and Tommy looks nervous. Maybe because it's just them.

"Why're you so scared, man?" Steve says softly, watches Tommy swallow in his seat. "You're the one that brought us here."

"Wasn't my idea."

The silence stretches. Steve approaches the line once more. He forgot what it was like to be around someone who can't hurt him, thinks he could squash Tommy if he really wanted to. If he was still that kind of person.

"It's not like Carol ever cared."

"Not about that, no." Tommy says, and Steve slides in. Drunk. He only feels it when he nearly rests his chin on Tommy's shoulder, body warm, the imprint of Meghan's fingers against his chest.

"She thought it was funny when we kissed that time." And the times after that.

Honestly I’m not a great Reader like it takes me a little while to get shit so it took me a while to pick up on HOW much IYLO (ie like… all of it) is Steve working though heavily ingrained homophobia or just accepting the reality of his sexuality and then I went back to reread bc the first time round I was like “oh it’s just friends to lovers” but no there’s like a lot that you bake in to every scene and subtlety I LOVE but that’s all just me fangirling ANYWAY I would love to hear all about your personal thoughts for the implied stommy and fucking around they did and the impact you think it has/had on their (including Carol’s) dynamic, the full extent of what their situation was (if it’s not like.. spoilers for future scenes!) and Tommy’s whole deal in it as well! It’s like 6 am idk if I’m making sense hahaha neway LOVE u love the chapter every email I get telling me you’ve updated is like Christmas!! 💋

ooooh so you're almost having your own slow-burn with IYLO <3 i love it. i'm trying to write it in such a way that it will be a fun one to reread!

and yesss, the stommy of it all. you're not the only person with this question!! i got a comment with a line like 'what the hell is the nature of tommy/carol/steve's relationship' and like. yes. i have not made it clear in the slightest. which is part of the fun, because now we get to talk about all the things lurking beneath the surface!!

it's not a spoiler for things later on, because i think tommy has served his purpose (? i feel mean) in steve's narrative at this point.

iylo meta below the cut. apologies in advance for how messy this is, i'm just writing stream of consciousness:

i've written tommy as bisexual and carol as straight. and as for the dynamic, if they were older and they weren't all toxic about it, i think they would be able to hook up but only in specific situations.

getting ahead of myself. in terms of background, this is what i'm thinking - in high school, the dynamic is tommy attempting to remain close to steve as steve starts breaking free of their familiar mold. steve is clinging to his identity as someone with social power (but in the context of high school politics). and the high school aspect is important because they are young when this is all going down. it's confusing, not clearly defined, and so i don't think they have a cut and dry answer for what their friendship looks like behind closed doors.

steve and tommy were childhood besties, and then in early HS years, tommy gets a gf, starts spending all his time with her. it makes sense that steve ends up tagging along, perhaps bringing whatever girl he's dating. or not. maybe it's just him.

tommy and carol have one of many arguments, and then steve and carol end up drunkenly making out. steve tells tommy later, but surprise surprise, tommy doesn't really care. and carol calls steve a pussy to his face for telling him. it's weird.

steve realizes he's being used (by carol). so. he does what he does best. coaxes tommy into a kiss when it's just the two of them, waits for tommy to bring that back to carol. steve never gets confirmation that he does tell her - carol doesn't let that slip for a long time - but it's something that keeps on happening.

so....... i suppose i have written stommy as being a side effect of a steve and carol power play. but carol is much more invested in maintaining it than steve is (like how she makes out with tommy after having him drive them to ~lookout point~). and that bothers her. because at the end of the day, it's steve who was calling the shots with the three of them. and now he doesn't even care enough to keep doing it.

carol was PISSED at steve prior to chapter 7 (hence the chilly exchange at his birthday party). the double date is a continuation of carol's own mission lol. she tells tommy to call steve up and go on a double date, she picks out the girl. but the flaw here is that steve isn't as 'tuned in' as he was before and doesn't even see that for what it is, and so carol has to throw it in his face. and that's also the big reason steve doesn't have any intention of sleeping with meghan - she's pretty much a pawn in carol's game, and steve fucking her would pretty much be carol fucking steve (sorry meg).

so, yes. i think that's the biggest conflict between carol and steve. carol doesn't give a shit that steve and tommy have this Thing between them, but she hates that tommy listens to steve.

steve and tommy have the foundation of an actual friendship, pre-carol. carol and steve do not have that same foundation. so even though steve is was in control, without tommy, they have nothing.

isn't writing fun?

[fanfiction dvd commentary ask game]

[aplpaca]

why is having your ocs be your special interest unfortunate? please tell us about them!! (curious, friendly tone)

It's unfortunate bc theres not content for them that exist without my own effort 😔(outside of a couple friends) so i cant reblog posts about them like i would for like critical role or something. ive got a variety of "main character" ocs and most of them started out as ttrpg characters that then got their own non-rpg "canon" in a story universe im making with some friends that may or may not end up turning into a series of books. (overarching "plot" of it is that the birth of a new deity ends up connecting people and politics of several planets in different universes)

so like my "main" characters for that are vyma, claysen, and yianni. vyma also has an equally canon ttrpg incarnation for a game thats still ongoing, but claysen and yianni started out as ttrpg characters but now their "canon" is just their storyverse incarnations. i put actual character descriptions under the cut

ima talk about vyma's storyverse incarnation for this, since theres Spoilers for her ttrpg canon that players who follow me dont know yet (but like, the core personality is the same between the two so yeah). but anyway, her full name in storyverse is Vyma Bapp-Matieyepa sip-Sabapak, which is kinda long bc cultural naming conventions include familial last name, chosen/official clan affiliation, and familal-but-not-official clan affiliation (if someone has that). She's one of the unofficial leaders of a revolutionary/resistance group (other leader is one of @cosmemery's characters Naki) that funnels political prisoners to freedom and tries to counteract the imperialism of the country that subjugated theirs and the harm from their own gov that tries to meet the imperialists in the middle. Vyma is pretty tall, pretty butch, and pretty ace. She's got lowkey disabling hyperempathy, but this gets paired with an autistic flat affect that makes her come across unintentionally blunt, monotone, and insensitive at times. she's kinda overcompensated for social issues by using her hyperempathy and just general problem solving to get really fucking good at reading people/figuring out how people are feeling. this unfortunately does not make her any more conversationally adept, and in some cases makes her kinda preachy instead. her flight response (like the trauma response, not just the general fight or flight) is through the fucking roof and she would and prob will grind herself into dust in an attempt to make what she considers a positive impact. she's chronically sleep deprived and refuses to talk about her feelings in a way thats not dodging the question. she likes to bake, but hasnt been able to in a while.

Claysen Hishari (birthname Jarren Claysen Vidravalsh) is like lowkey highkey kinda of A Lot in terms of stuff he's got going on. id like to think i do a decent job not being Edgy (TM) with him but like,,yeah. He's a formal noble who escaped his shitty dad after his mom died and ended up being blackmailed into becoming a spy/assassin. He also technically has emotion/identity-influenced magical power equivalent to at least a minor god, but hes repressing that and its only almost killed him once. His appearance is altered via illusion magic almost constantly. He's more visibly autistic and uses a trade sign language to talk fairly frequently. When he's not signing, he has a very specific speech pattern, and often pauses in the middle of sentences while he figures out how to make words work. At the start of the story, he basically hasn't had goals or ambitions or strong personal convictions for A While, and a lot of his growth is Growing A Fucking Spine and Learning To Act On Things. A lot of his other growth is self acceptance stuff (both autism and the whole emotionally volatile magic thing bc por que no los dos). He has a pretty fuckin codependant relationship with @cosmemery's character Kay, and even before they actually become romantic, theyre platonically flirty with each other to a kinda obnoxious degree. hes bi, super reserved but has a certain air of competence/force of presence to him despite that, and has a special interest in spiders and bugs in general

And apparently tumblr has a word limit for asks or somthing bc it wont let me add my last characters paragraph onto this so im gonna just reblog it with yianni's stuff in a sec

[afoxysunny]

So every time i listen to The Greatest Show from the greatest showman (this version specifically if you wanna check it out) i have to think about the circus episode of Lazytown bc my brain is rotten like a villain number one.

So today i want to finally write down some of this au that has formed in my head

Au where Robbie is an actual Circus leader and the kids are actually part of his circus

Let's start with Robbie Rotten, Ringleader of The Runaway Razzle-Dazzle. Rumor has it that he built this traveling circus up from nothing after running from a life where his ingenuity and flare for the dramatic where never appreciated and even forbidden, though nobody knows if that's actually true. His circus almost seems like a different world where neither physics nor time seem bound to their normal, boring behavior. Much like the name of his business and mysterious backstory imply, his fellow performers are all young children who, for one reason or another can't or don't want to go back home. Everyone has a weirdly descriptive name for their act and personality so, much like Robbie Rotten himself, surely they wear fake names for fun and flare.

Now let's go through the kids in alphabetical order

Ella Rotten - for all that's known she could be related to Robbie though people also say she was probably just the first to join him. She never says a word and does most of her talking through dance. While Robbie announces the shows she underlines him with grace and motion that should not count as language but everyone understands somehow. Behind the scenes she also helps a lot with organizations as she is incredibly charismatic

Jives Junkfood - stronger and taller than any other performer though apparently the same age as most others. His act involves some nice visual comedy and storytelling about healthy food giving him super human strength. It is said this obsession with food is a nod to the neglectful family he left behind when joining the circus. Off stage he helps mostly with carrying equipment and setting stuff up

Penny Pestella - some call her obnoxious and loud but nobody can say her magic shows aren't incredible. She is dramatic and hyperactive, knows exactly how to get attention on what she deems important and uses that perfectly for her tricks. Apparently she used to be a beggar and thief, trying to get some money going as her parents surely didn't. Her main job off stage is marketing their next shows in the new locations

Pixel Hyperbyte - a technical genius who quickly replaced Robbie himself with taking care of lights and music. Together those two are unstoppable at creating the woldest gadgets for any fantastical act. He isn't a performer himself, more a helping hand in the shadows. Rumor has it that he built the headset and arm cover he wears himself to hear again and properly use his arm in the first place

Stephanie Splitz - a phenomenal gymnast and dancer, even able to compete with Ella. When these two and Penny perform together on special occasions word travels farther and wider than the circus ever could. A jack of all traits but a master of none? Stephanie seems to excel at most everything she tries out and therefore quickly became and invaluable member of the whole circus. Apparently she joined the circus after her family sent her away when they didn't feel like they wanted to give their child the time of day anymore and instead of going to her politically powerful relatives she became a performer. Though, who would ever believe such an obvious lie, if she really was part of an influential family they certainly would've found her by now

Stingy Spoilero - another one rumored to be a descendant of a rich family, if that was true it was no wonder nobe of them came to get him though as his act was mostly based on making a comedic farce of rich man's stereotypes and a lot of physical comedy with the help of whoever wanted to play the sensible everyperson for Stingy's character to bounce off of and juxtapose. Despite supposedly having been kicked out of a high society family for not being talented enough in business he usually mans the ticket sales and other expenses of the whole circus without any issues

Trixie Troubleby - an unusual and rash girl, fearless and daring. She walks the tightrope like she's on the ground, throws knives without any show of it taking effort or concentration and even sometimes performs with Jives to prove her strength as well as gladly playing the villain for anyone who needs one in a set they want to perform. While talented in many physical areas she lacks the grace and grandeur her fellow performers like to put on. It is astounding how little is known about this powerhouse, though some whisper she must've run from a family completely opposite of her nature or else there would be no reason for her to not work a normal job.

Ziggy Zweets - the youngest of the performers and therefore not yet allowed on stage. He might be the most enthusiastic in the whole circus though and will help anybody there with everything he can, building on every skill he has until hopefully he will find the performance for himself. He definitely has the knack for putting on a good show already and simply needs to refine and calm himself which lead to many in the audience believing he joined the circus without a good reason to leave home while just as many speculate such a happy young boy would not leave home without something horrible to hode in his past

This post is a Kilometer long but we have one more person to cover

Sportacus - a wandering hero, as little tying him to one place as the wandering circus he was sent to investigate. A couple sent him there to find their sweet zweet son who ran off for absolutely no reason they could imagine. Sportacus tries to join the circus to find out why so many children would not go back home and if they're in danger in this circus taking them so so far away. But when he gets to know all them and this found family they have together he has to face that sometimes someone's parents aren't the best to grow up around

[lightspren]

readmore here bc uh. tw future parent death

ALSO on top of last post, discovered my uncle (dad’s brother) is moving back locally within the week

this is going to be Not Good

bc he and my dad will be seeing even more of each other and managing to further radicalize each other

for instance, my dad already believes masks are useless and has publicly processed he does not intend to get more covid vaccines. he is also almost 68 years old and has been hospitalized twice since the beginning of the year for his heart, that i remember anyway there may be more. so like. he catches covid he is very unlikely to survive. which is a fact i can’t get out of my head.

like. the man sucks. objectively he is a dick. there is SO MUCH of my trauma directly attributable to him and the way i grew up. It took me *literal years* to not burst into tears when a man was angry around me. On bad days I still get twitchy around angry people, even people I trust more than anything. And that’s just his effects on me personally, never mind the rampant, raging conservatism and all the horrible things I know he’s said to my sister because of her political beliefs.

so i’m like. preemptively grieving a man that I kind of hate? And still love? I feel like a bad person for not being more like Sad Upset about these thoughts but honest to god I’m so angry still. I will never not be angry. My siblings have tried to forgive him, my brother I think has completely forgiven him. My sister’s thoughts are more complicated but she’s much more open to Trying. I am not. maybe it’s all still just too close for me (she’s 15 yrs older than me) but. Fuck him.

Like I know, complicated feelings about shitty parents is the like oldest story ever. but god. GOD.I don’t have the mental bandwidth to be dealing with my father’s likely imminent passing on top of everything else.

yes I should find a therapist to talk about this shit to instead of word vomit on tumblr on my lunch break lmao but what the fuck can they tell me that’s useful. I know it all. “it’s ok to be conflicted” and “you don’t have to forgive him” and blah blah blah. I know. it doesn’t help.

so yeah. here we are. not able to fully get out of my head that he will die, potentially soon, and i will feel guilty because I won’t be that terribly sad about it. wahoo.

[monster--boyfriend]

@anthonypanics tagged me in this and then I promptly drafted it and forgot. But what's more tumblr than that? Also these things are just fun and feel like classic old school tumblr

were you named/named yourself after anyone?

I did in fact name myself and yes all three names were after someone or something. The first, Jasper, was after the Steven Universe character and no I don't regret that. She was and still is massively important to me as a character. My middle name, Aspen, I chose as well. I really wanted some kind of tree and after looking at a lot of symbolism behind various trees, the Aspen stuck with me. Of it's many different historical meanings, strength through diversity stuck with me the most. My last name, which I also changed, I took from my grandmother. It was her maiden name. I always admired it, always liked how it felt so much closer to what little culture I have, and so I took it. And as an extra little treat just for me, my initials spell Jam. Which I want so bad to be my nickname but no one has ever picked up on it.

when was the last time you cried?

I can't even remember? I think maybe it was last year? It happens so rarely now it's hard to remember. Medication is a magical thing

do you have kids?

No and I don't think I'll ever be able to parent any on my own. I would like to but I just don't think that I could possibly afford to care for any kid by myself. I'd need a partner who wanted to parent as well.

do you use sarcasm a lot?

I had to think about this because I actually think I'm slightly less sarcastic than I used to be. Like I'm still very sarcastic but I don't always default to it

what's the first thing you notice about people?

If we're not talking about like, visual aspects, then the first thing I almost always figure is if someone is some level of geek or nerd or the likes. I stand out enough visually that I will have people comment on my outfit very often in public. The way they comment tells me a lot about them in most cases. People who are some kind of nerd or even sort of in some kind of fandom, will likely recognize something on me and comment on it Or sometimes they will comment on something else and it can tell me that while they might not be fannish folk, they have similar political ideas as me. Or even inversely just the look I get from others tells me they find something if not everything about me distasteful.

what's your eye colour?

I'm sorry, I'm a blue eye haver

any special talents?

I have a fairly good sense of direction and learn the layout of places very quickly. I'm generally really good at not getting lost or if I do get lost, figuring out how to get unlost pretty easily.

scary movies or happy endings?

If I could only pic ONE I'd probably end up taking the scary movie. A lot of my favourite have been in the realm of horror lately so

where were you born?

Vancouver, BC. Lived here my whole life. Probably gonna die here too unless I somehow acquire a large amount of money. In which case I'll just move to Vancouver Island.

what are your hobbies?

I do be enjoying drawing again recently. But I also like sewing and I'm learning to embroider. I also love gardening and foraging. Cycling as well.

have any pets?

what sport do you play/have you played?

When I was in 4th grade? I think it was 4th, I played soccer at recess but that's about it. I wasn't in any organized sports. I was however briefly in gymnastics, dance, modelling, swimming, and I took piano lessons.

how tall are you?

I don't know, I think 5'5"? I'm not actually sure anymore.

dream job?

I don't even know. I don't think my body could do the kind of work I would find actually fulfilling and enjoyable now. But also some of that factory work on How It's Made looks good.

I'll tag @queerrbyrd @nebelung-dragon @umberisk @avoidingdestiny @cosmichorrorcocoa @mind-altering-bugs @minecraftgender @eispeon aaand that's all the mutuals I can remember off the top of my head but feel free to anyone do it and say I tagged you I'm tagging you in my mind

[papirouge]

Hi!! sorry for the late response, you answered my ask about jpop idols, thannk you so much for such a thoughtful answer!!!

Honestly when i was younger i was really into mostly hello!proyect, so i know that they had literally child groups with berryz and cute, whose younger member was 8 years old! It was pretty creepy how they would make those photobooks with them posing on bikinis as soon as they turned 13 or 14.

I also really loved perfume, it used to be my favorite group, but like you said nakata got lazy and started prioritizing other acts around the level 3 era, and it really got cemented with cosmic explorer, which is when i started to lose interest in them. Their costumes also used to be so good, creative, and designed thoughtfully for each girl, but now its always the same costume except achan gets the longer skirt, kashiyuka the shorter skirt, and nocchi gets the shorts. Even the fabric is visibly cheaper. I feel like the only one who still cares is mikiko as her choreographies are still good.

But i dont know who that artist you mentioned is, but i'm interested in hearing the story 🍵

Japan is EXTREMELY problematic when it comes to child sexualization and the fact that rightoids who are constantly blaming the left for entertaining sexuality degeneracy....have no problem sporting anime pfp/watch anime is everything you need to know about how much of clowns those people are 🥴 They don't care about child abuse, they just pretend they do to dunk of their political opponents.

They try to cope saying it's "cultural" but Japan is currently recording an increase of sexual crimes, so...why would they defend a culture suspected of increasing sexual assault coming from a country struggling to contain their own sexual predator? 🤔 Also why the "it's cultural" argument shouldn't be used for honor killing and child marriage then ? Oh my bad, it's Muslims so this time we can finally admit it's a problem 🤡

To be fair with Perfume, they've been around since ~20 years now, so it makes sense their concepts are starting to become more rehashed. Nakata is a VERY derivative artist (even when he tried something new after he discovered future bass, he shoved this sound in everything he made around that time, whether it was on his own album 'Digital Native' or Perfume song "If you Wanna" lol.

The concept of them having distinctive outfits (as you said, longer dress/skirt for A-chan it's said that's bc she has wider hips which aren't considered a good feature in Japan, shorter dress/skirt for Kashiyuka, and shorts for Nocchi) goes back to their debut, and I think it's incredible they sticked to it for so long (especially since they also have respective hairstyle code - Nocchi has never been able to have hair longer than her chin for most of her life.... 🥲), but yeah, after so many years.... it's starting to get old. But they're basically idols I don't think doing an イメチェン (= drastic change of style) would be well received...

In the era of streaming, the lowering of budget for music videos is global. Perfume last outstanding MV (great costume + set design + extras on set) was "Cling Cling"... which was released almost 10 years ago🥴 but other Japanese artists had a drastic drop in MV quality, included Ayu Hamasaki (the artist I talked about in my first reply).

She is Japan best selling artist of all times and her "Jewel" MV has been for a while listed in the most expensive music video of all times🥶💎

Ayu story is quite endearing because her dad abandoned her when she was a child and was edging on delinquency before being scouted in a karaoke. She's from an era when random girls were being scouted and producers propelled them into stardom, tho very few of them made it beyond one single (which was initiall the case of Ayu who started... making rap and flopped miserably LOL) but by an odd turn of events, she got another chance where this time she did pop and things eventually took off. What's interesting with Ayu is that despite being marketed as an idol when she debuted, she from the start decided to take control over her music/image/artistry : she wrote all her lyrics, displayed her own (very distinctive) personal style, etc. By her sophomore album, LOVEppears, she endorsed a more daring image and in the following one, Duty, she dropped the cutesy idol thing to become more diva like and confident ...

That's also around the time she started pulling out very disturbing music videos. There are A LOT of them, but I'd say "Ladies Night" is the one who stuck the most with me (which is weird bc the song is pretty positive : celebrating girlhood support)...but the MV is just unnecessary creepy and dark. It starts off cute & goofy...only to become more and more scary & nightmarish 😰 WHY??

Her '(miss) understood' album era is pretty dark tbh ALL the MV of this album have this dark, gloomy energy... Excellent album musically, but with a very dark energy

Thankfully there is "Fairyland" (which was also one of the most expensive MV of that time) to brighten up that energy (but even the MV ends up in some sort of downturn with the photo burning up?)

- Her 'Duty' and 'Party Queen' album booklet + SURREAL MV features full on sex kitten programming (it's interesting that "SURREAL" has subliminals about her -then- hidden relationship with Tomoya Nagase (another popular male entertainer/idol of that time) and has a frenetic vibe which is very reminiscent of hypnosis/trance state. I hate that it's one of my favorite MV of her 😓(the scenery is just soooo pretty). There's a LOT of symbolism here.

- dissociation in "RAINBOW" and "Don't look back" MV

- mind control in "Alterna" and "Marionette"

- "Free & Easy" MV is a gigantic nod to Joan of Arc and apostolic martydom

- transhumanism in "Real Me" MV

Now that music videos don't have the same budget as they did 15-20 years ago, Ayu's MV aren't anywhere near as elaborated as they were before (also her music has gone down to the toilets - she should've retire after her 10 years best of). But it's obvious she sold out to achieve this level of fame and success, therefore she had to shove all these twisted messages in her MV.

[call-me-maggie13]

I got into an argument with my boss at work again and I’m going to make it y’all’s problem bc I’m not done being pissed about it.

TW: child loss, miscarriage, abortion, sexual assault

My boss made a fucked up comment about how women who have abortions should not be allowed to have children in the future and I swear to god I almost swung on her. But she’s old and white and she maybe she doesn’t know what she’s talking about so I tried to be polite and explain it to her and she was like “well, it’s not like you will ever have an abortion so I don’t think you should have a say” (she knows I’m a lesbian) which like 1) the men who wrote the laws won’t have abortions but also 2) I almost did have an abortion.

I was nineteen and in US Navy Nuclear Power School, which teaches you how to run a nuclear power plant in literally a year. It’s almost seven years of university condensed into one year. And I was left pregnant after I was assaulted by someone I had previously trusted with my life. I didn’t want to carry his baby.

I couldn’t have a baby, I didn’t have the time and I wasn’t in a place where I could emotionally raise a child. On top of that, my chain of command would’ve pulled me out the minute they found out I was pregnant bc the schooling is so stressful.

I made the decision after two weeks of research and debate and isolation. I made an appointment out of state to get it taken care of. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone to tell me I was making a mistake.

I miscarried the next day. It was brutal. I had already decided against keeping it, but when my own body rejected it, my entire world flipped on its axis. I didn’t want a baby, but I didn’t want to not make the choice myself.

I didn’t want to spend seven hours in a hospital room with a nurse who seemed disappointed in me and a Petty Officer I didn’t like. I didn’t want to have to explain to my LPO why I hadn’t disclosed my pregnancy, I didn’t want to have to file an official report with my command, I didn’t want to be pulled out of classes for six months because my chief didn’t think I could handle classes, I didn’t want my old classmates to visit my barracks just to ask if I was okay and then stare at me like I was broken. I didn’t want it to happen that way.

I don’t really know how to explain it, because I know I would’ve gone to that appointment and I would’ve gone through with the abortion without any hesitation, but I have so many big feelings about what happened.

I feel like I failed as a woman, like I failed as a mother, like I couldn’t accomplish the one thing women have been doing since the dawn of time. I’m scared that, if I ever want to carry a baby, I won’t be able to. I’m angry that I had to call the clinic and tell them I didn’t need the appointment anymore and listen to the woman on the other side congratulate me on choosing to keep the baby I just lost.

I’m relieved that I didn’t have it, don’t get me wrong, but I feel so terrible about the way it happened.

There was no power in having my body get rid of it, it was just another way my body betrayed me after what happened.

And some days, I do grieve the loss of what it could’ve been. I’m not sure if I would do the same if I’d had an abortion, but some days it tugs at my heart and knocks the air from my lungs and fills my head with buzzing. Some days the grief is so strong that I don’t want to get out of bed and it’s been almost three years.

I don’t even know how to explain what I felt in the moment after the doctor told me I was miscarrying, because a large part of me wanted to be relieved that it was over but I wasn’t.

My boss is a fucking asshole and I literally hate her, but I love my job and I love my students so I didn’t say anything that I wanted to. So instead, I’m going to go cry and maybe throw up.