#like i still align with masculinity but i feel so out of place all the time

[jjbeanz]

Depression so bad I lost my gender

[leoascendente]

PAC/ Your destined person 💘

Hi loves and welcome to this new PAC! I'll be taking a time from this blog to focus on another projects, it doesn't mean that this blog will be unactive, it is just that I won't post that much pacs or astrology, I'll be more focused in my Spanish blog for a while. Anyway, private readings will still be open and from time to time I'll post something over here because Tumblr is and always will be my safe place.

Take a deep breath before choosig your pile and pick the picture you feel called the most, because this is a general reading it doesn't have to fully resonate, keep what does and leave what doesn't for somebody else, you can always choose another pile :)

For private readings click here

My blog in Spanish here

Decks: Romantic tarot, dark wood tarot, tea leafs oracle, romance angels oracle, love oracle cards

All pics are from pinterest, credits to their owners

Pile 1/ Pile 2

Pile 3/ Pile 4

Pile 1:

Who is your destined person?:

(Cards: 6 of swords, 3 of pentacles, 6 of pentacles, moon, hermit, queen of wands, king of swords/ hermit rev, death, wheel of fortune, 5 of pentacles, sun)

This person probably comes from a very different backgroud than you, it will seem like you don't have much in common at first, they have probably moved from the place they were born and are getting used to the new place. They are a hard worker, right now they are putting a lot of effort in this area of their life, probably to help financially their beloved ones, I'm hearing to help their parents, they are so focused in making money that they are not nurturing other aspects of their life like socializing, the good thing is that they don't seem to care about it. They got the hermit with two different decks, once upright and another time on reversed, it gives me the feeling that they feel very comfortable in their solitude but at the same time they are craving significative connections and a reason to get out of their isolation, for some reason they feel very exhausted but they can't sleep at night, they are like an owl, by night they seem to be more active even though they should be super tired because their work is exhausting (I'm writting this at 13:31 on my clock, maybe it's a relevant number for you or this connection). This person has some emotional issues that keeps them up at night, it's like they need these few extra hours of the day that they are taking from their resting time to relax when the rest of the world is quiet, maybe it's because they are far from home or because they miss their family, because this is related to their emotional world but for what I see here they are thinking too much about others and not about themselves and their mental peace. Anyway, this person is really attractive, for what I see in the cards, they have some not-so-secret admirers that are chasing them or looking desperately for their attention, whatever they are trying is not working with your person, your person seems to be an introvert or at least, they need to feel emotionally connected to something or someone to invest their energy fully on it, I could even say that they are a little shy when it comes to interact with other people. this person has an strong masculine energy, also I keep hearing the word resilient so this may be the most noticable trait about them, the thing here with the admirers is that they are chasing your person, like taking the masculine role but only for their outside appearance, your person seems to need something more to connect with someone and they prefer to court that to be courted. Right now they are closing chapters, there's a massive divine intervention in their life even if they are not aware of this, this is happening for their highest good because they need to get out of this hermit mode and start experiencing good things. They seem to be a little apathic and their lack of rest could be affecting their health too, even if they want it or not, a change is coming to align them, there will be a shift in their luck very soon, especially to help them financially because they seem to be struggling in this aspect. your person is really calmed and peaceful, very goal oriented and commited to what's important to them, you'll love the kind of person they are and the peace they'll bring to your life.

Your connection:

(Cards: deception, new love, this could be the one, playfulness/ girl with a snake, heartbroken, the phoenix, heart with a key, wedding rings)

Okay, your person had a very tough relationship with a toxic person that played with their heart and left them in the dust, this might be one of the reasons why they are avoiding so much human contact, especially with romantic interests, their heart is still recovering from this heartbreak. When you appear in their life, everything will trasform, it will be so magical and unexpected that they won't know what to do, you'll catch them off guard, everything will feel different with you, it's like they've been in a grey and clouded place and you appear to make the sun shine again in their life. This past relationship marked them but knowing you will make them realize that not everyone is the same, you will make them gain hope in love again, it will happen naturally and your relationship will be blossoming peacefully but with certainty, from the first moments they'll know that you are meant for them and will work to make you know it. This is a soulmate connection so you'll feel very comfortable with eachother like you know the other from a very long time, I see a lot of funny dates together, like an exhibition of some kind (I'm translating directly from google but I mean those places wih a ferris wheel, bumper cars, cotton candy and those places where you get a teddy bear if you drop all the bottle from the shelf, something that sort, please comment me the correct name of this lol). An important thing I see here is that your person might be shy at first and will try to make things the right way, not forcing anything, but what I like the most is that even though they have their heart wounded, they won't pay this pain with you, in fact, you'll be a reason to stop thinking about the past pain and focusing on the precious future you could share together, you'll ignite them faith in life, they'll find motivation again, they might even realize that they weren't as comfortable in their solitude as they wanted to project. I see a fast commitment, I also see that they will leave you the key of their home so you can stay there even when they are working, they'll try to make you part of their day to day life and will be very honest with your from the start, you can ask them anything and they will respond with all the truth, even if the truth doesn't leave them in good place, they want you to know every detail about them, you can also trust in them to share whatever you want, they will be super understanding and compassionate.

Signals:

(Tea leafs: sunrise, woman, feather, bull, desk, scissors, caterpillar)

By the moment you are about to meet your person, you'll be finding out the true intentions of a woman in your life, I don't know why but the energy of this woman gives me really bad vibe, like a two faced person, is someone that you should put distance with in order to protect your energy because in terms of love she could often have bad experiences and she will not be happy for you when you find your soulmate. There also this message of not sharing your ideas about the future, not just in love but about your goals or plans in work too, if you are thinking about initiate something by your own just keep it private for a while, or at least just share it with your closest ones because this woman or femenine energy around you don't what you to thrive. The good thing is that you got the card of the sunrise, so you'll be having a lot of new ideas that will lead you to find success, I'd suggest you to write down those ideas,take time to organize them and start implementing them in aries season, at the beggining of the spring, energies will be at your favor. For your person they'll be working really hard, there might be a chance for a rise or getting a higher position in their work field and they'll be focused into that, for others of you there might also be the chance that your person will be getting another job with a better salary, I'm getting especially this second option because your person seems to be very unhappy in their current job and they need better conditions, it also seems like there is some opposition from someone in their work and your person has to keep themselves in a defensive position to deal with it and they don't want this no more, they know they deserve a healthier work enviroment, maybe there's an abusive boss here. There's the possibility that you are really close to meet eachother because of the cards on tarot and this message so be aware of your surroundings because your person is closer than you imagine :)

Channeled messages: a puppy, sexy but don't know it, romantic dates, strong arms, meet them in a public place like a park, a market or a place with art or literature involved like museums or book stores, gift giving, a soft pink or white dress, night dates, overthinking, financial struggle, 999, 1333, virgo, scorpio, cancer and leo, might be seasons for you two meet or your person's sign.

Pile 2:

Who is your destined person?

(Cards: 9 of wands, 4 of swords, 7 of pentacles, 10 of pentacles, justice, death, world/ devil, justice, queen of pentacles, judgement, king of wands)

Okay, lets start saying that you know this person but never had anything romantic with them besides a crush for some of you, they are someone that is familiar to you, maybe you have talked at some point or is simplier than that and you follow them on social media or something that sort, you know eachother but there's almost any interaction between you two. I usually say on private readings when I see that the consultant know their person that Universe has a wicked sense of humor and sometimes, this person can be so random as your crush on primary school, someone you talked once in a party, a friend of a friend and those kind of things, so don't be dissapointed when you see that you know your person because many times, even though you know them, they can be the most random person you could ever imagine. Right now your person is going through some legal issues, it can be a divorce for some of you but for others it might be more related to an spiritual awakening where they are taking resposibility over things they have done in the past, like paying some karma and realizing why they are paying it. The good thing is that your person is closing a chapter, this awakening can be hard, because of the devil card, but it also will bring them a big relief and a change in their reality for the best, there's also a change in their way to face life. For what I see in the cards, your person is wealthy or well positioned in life, probably has a high position in their work field, for some they can work in something related to laws but is an enviroment with a lot of competition and stabs in the back, you have to be a little ruthless to thrive in that area, there's also a chance that they already have a child or kids near them, if you have children, your person will get along very well with your kid too. Your person has an strong temper, the good part of it is that they are very protective of what they love and don't mind getting into trouble if that means keeping their beloved ones safe. The not so good part is that they can be too impulsive and irrational when angry, their passionate spirit can take the best from them sometimes, they will be your total opposite so if you have a natural calmed and peaceful temper this pile is for you. Your person is someone brave, a natural extrovert with a lot of charisma, they can draw all the attention of a room to them just with an smile, they are also very sexy, physically they are extremely attractive, they could also be a Libra or Sagittarius sun sign. Your person hasn't been an angel in their past, even though they are a nice person with a good heart, it seems like they did ot take the best decitions in their past and now they are regreting some mistakes. They are really handsome and charming, I see they haven't faced rejection in their past and that has led them to be too confident, they are the kind of person who always gets what they want, do you know Dexter from the show One Day? your person reminds me of him in the good and the bad traits. Anyway, they recently had an experience that made them realize the path they were taking and they want a diferent direction, they don't feel fulfilled and knows that can get something better for themselves, they are also facing the consequences of their actions si they might need some extra time to get into your life.

Your connection:

(Cards: this could be the one, trust, children, worth waiting for/ talking, golden mirror, sword and rose, self indulgence, love call)

You'll share a very special bond, I see trust issues from both of you but at the moment you start something together those issues will fade, it's like your souls will recognize that you both are meant for eachother, feelings will bloom naturally. I see different scenarios for your pile so take what resonates with you, for the people who already know who this person is, the cards invite you to keep hopeful but patient, just trust the Universe and focus on your bussiness meanwhile your person puts their life in order and solve the issues they are currently dealing with, you deserve to enjoy their best version. For others of you who can't figure out yet who your person is, the cards have a similar meaning, to stay optimistic visualizing your ideal relationship, you'll have to wait a little more than the other piles because your person is dealing with issues they need to resolve before meeting you, again, you deserve to enjoy their best version, your vibration is very high so having your person right now in your life with their current circumstances could affect negatively your energy, so this wait is a divine protection for you. Things will start by flirting between both of you, maybe some casual dates at first but for what see in the cards, there's a lot of communication here and it makes sense because through communication trust gets reinforced and that's what you both need. You both will be very different but will have so much in common, your experiences in life or even your tastes or hobbies, your favorite artist or the kind of music you like, it will start by something simple but then you'll realize how similar you truly are, you will mirror eachother in every aspect, for some with an spiritual development I see this person is your twin flame. A nice thing a like about your person is that they will allow you to stay in your femenine energy, the card of self indulgence gives me the feeling that they'll provide for the things you like, just as an example, if you are into a saga of books but you don't have enough money to afford everyone of them so you go buy it one by one, your person will buy you all the saga so you can enjoy your hobbies. For some of you I even see that your person pays for your beauty treatments like getting your lashes or nails done. I see that they'll like to take a protective role with you, if you are easilly stressed, especially in regards of legal matters or burocracy, your person will take care of it so you don't have to worry, if you have any dream or goal you want to achieve your person will also provide you a safe space so you can develop it, especially for those of you who are into arts or something that involves creativity

Signals:

(Tea leafs: teapot, mule, wreath, shield, stork, wedge, heart)

Your signs to know when your person is about to enter your life will be a dissapointment with a friendship of your same sex, you might have an idea of who this person is because you have been seeing red flags from them in the past but you have turned a blind eye with them, especially in terms of stubborness and not wanting to change their habits. I'm getting that they are the kind to mourn and complain over things that they could easilly change, even you could have given them advices in the past but this person is unwilling to change for the better so you'll have to take them out of your life before your person comes. The tea leafs say that this won't be easy for you because you love and appreciate this person but by having them in your life you have to stay in a protective state, the shield warns you that you need to protect yourself from this person because they are consuming your energies. For your person, they'll be in a process of creating something new, I'm getting that it will be related to work, they'll be moving in silence because there's someone near them that don't want your person to be successful in this new project, anyway the project will thrive regardless of what other people try to mess with it. Your person will be just about to get their victory when they get in a deeper contact with you, they'll feel like things are getting better for them after everything they had to go through, you'll be like their ultimate victory. They'll know it's you because they'll feel safe by your side, having in mind that they are surrounded by snakes, getting in contact with you will feel for them like being in precence of angels.

Channeled messages: protect yourself from evil eye, black turmaline, long term relationship, karmic debts, late night conversations, a lot of sexual energy, love letters, release the old so the new can enter, the goddess Kali, law of attraction, subliminal audios, stay in your femenine energy, the bee and the flower, trust the process, 1111, 222, sagittarius, libra, scorpio

Pile 3:

Who is your destined person?

(Cards: queen of cups, king of pentacles, queen of pentacles, 3 of wands, fool, king of cups, 10 of pentacles/ ace of wands, 8 of pentacles rev, 5 of swords rev, judgement, emperor)

This person is your soulmate/twin flame, they are your divine counterpart so you will notice it from the very first moment you meet them. Getting into who your person is, they come from a wealthy background, their family seem to be very rich to say the least, they have been a pampered child all their life, in fact, if they work is because they want to not because they need to. Your person has been raised by parents that are soulmates so they know what true love is and knows that they want that type of connection for them too, they are a romantic and are not afraid to express it, they are also very well mannered so expect them to be chilvalrous with you, they are a true gentleman. They are so open to love that is overwhelming, they fantazise an daydream a lot about you, how you look, your way to walk and your smell, they have you so much in their head but they feel frustration not knowing who you are and when you will appear, they look for you everywhere they go and in every person they meet, yu cold even feel their energy calling you, if you have romantic dreams with someone but you can see their face clearly it is your person calling you in, you can intuitively feel them, I'm also getting that if you are able to see the face of someone familiar to you in dreams like a famous person just check that person you dream about because they might reselble the characteristics of your person. They have a melancholic soul, like a poet from another century, they are very deep and emotional, they have so much love inside they want to offer but they feel frustrated because they don't find the right person to share it with, they don't want only to share love they want someone to share all their life with, they feel like they already have it all to live a happy life but there's this missing peace of wanting to share all their abundance with someone else. There's this phrase of the movie 'into the wild' (my favourite movie ever <3) that says 'happiness is only real when it's shared', I feel that your person resonates a lot with this phrase, they have people they love around but they crave a romantic connection to create a family with, btw, they are really into marriage and family, they also like children and animals and they love your person too. Your person has a sensitive heart and the pain of their solitude has led them to get involved with people with superficial intentions or toxic behaviors, mostly because of your person's money, they had a relationship in the past that left them feeling empty and that's why now they are giving themselves time to be alone and with their family, I see they have siblings that are playing a major role into your person's emotional healing. Idk if you'll know about this book, it's called fallen hearts by V.C Andrews, it is part of the Casteel saga but the character that reminds me of your person appears on the second book, his name is Troy Tatterton, I suggest you to read it or let me know if you already know them :). I also see that your person has traveled a lot, for some of you, you could even live at distanced places where you'd had to travel to see eachother, it may be in one of your person's journeys where they finally meet you.

The connection:

(Cards: true love, getting to know eachother, playfulness, wedding/ casette, hammer, camera, separation, twin flames)

Oh goddess, this is so beautiful it makes me want to cry! If it was up to your person they would marry you as soon as they meet you, after all their painful journey, when you appear in their life they'll feel like the skies will open up only for them, they'll know it's you and will court you from the very first moment, they will be flirty but charming at the same time, I see you'll feel the same too. Even though that feelings will be intense at first, you both will make the effort to get to know eachother on deeper levels to check your chemistry and compatibility, everything will feel light and easy, you'll get along super well, they'll make you feel like you are in a safe place, if you are naturally introverted they'll make you feel protected and, in case you are an hyper independent person, you'll feel like you can finally relax and release some of the weight over your shoulders. At some point you'll have distance between you two but it won't separate you, I see you will make the best of every moment you spend together and, after a little time your person will offer you a seious commitment so you can start your life together as a couple, it might also be a soon engagement. I see that you'll be watching the pictures and videos you make together, especially if decide to travel, I see a fancy cabin near a forest where you are staying together to spend some alone time with nobody else there to bother you. The time you spend separated will play a major role for you two to decide that you want to be together forever, I see that your person will have a harder time being away from you, that's why they won't hesitate at the moment of offering you commitment, probably they give you a promise ring or tell you to get married, it will happen sooner than usual but both of you will feel certain about this relationship and what you want from it, you'll fit like puzle pieces and you'll both will understand why things didn't work with anybody else in the past.

Signals:

(Tea leafs: gong, key, shark, caterpillar, dagger, camel, unicorn, carriage)

For you, you'll be receiving good news about something you have done, it will be something exciting for you, a successful outcome for something you put a lot of effort in, you could even celebrate it with your close ones because this will make you very happy. There's a little warning for you about being responsible with your money but also I see you could loose something important like a jewel or something with big material value like a phone or something that sort, so if you suddently loose soemthing important take it as a sign that your person is about to enter your life. For your person I'd confirm what I said before about the trip, the carriage means a journey either be a mental or physical but I feel that it's a trip for vacation. This journey is because they have been through a period of worries and stress, they just have solved a problem before making this trip, this solution will involve some changes in their life that will align them with their highest good so, overcoming this obstacle will finally lead them to you, their most desired wish. They'll be taking a time to release all the tension they've been holding, it is surely oon holidays so check the calendar just in case, they'll be with more people in this journey, probably their siblings, your meeting will be something spontaneous, neither of you will be expetiing it

Channeled messages: Water sign, earth moon sign, family money, colors red and green, divine counterparts, white doves and sunflowers, many options in love, send you romantic phrases or pictures that reminds them of you, settle down, a midset change, aries season, 777, 1818

Pile 4:

Who is your destined person?:

(Cards: knight of wands, 10 of cups, moon, queen of pentacles, 8 of pentacles, knight of swords/ 7 of cups rev, 9 of swords, queen of pentacles, fool, empress)

Your person got the queen of pentacles repeated with two different tarot decks, this gives me the feeling that they feel plenty with the current direction of their life, with the 10 of cups I'd confirm that they feel happy and fulfilled and everything is working out for your person. Besides that luck is on their side naturally, your person has fought to be in the place they are right now, they are following their passion and vocation and being loyal to their heart has lead them to success and recognition, they are also very optimistic and knows how to see the good side of things at every situation. Your person reminds me of Eli from Boy swallows universe (please watch the show, it's awesome and you'll love Eli), your person is brave, independent and resourceful, even daring sometimes, they are loyal to their truth and their heart, in fact I see they can be a little obsessed with finding out the truth of things so they could even be into conspiracy theories or things that sort. Your person is a wanderer, a curious soul but with a grounded spirit, they can be wild sometimes but they know their own limits and knows when to stop, they are really down to earth and mature on the important matters but very lighthearted and spontaneus when the ocassion requires it. They have been through seriouus things in the past, they may have some unresolved heavy trauma they didn't gave themselves the chance to solve it so they might act reckless sometimes, but the good thing is that they have an strong moral compass and value system they keep loyal at every moment, betray their values would feel like betraying themselves and that's something they don't want to go through. Your person can be an unintentional heartbreaker, they don't want to hurt anybody's feelings but it's easy for people to catch feelings for your person, is something about their aura or their energy, they are so warm and gentle that everybody feels drawn to them and can't help but develop feelings for them, they are easy to be loved. Your person is really smart, they could be air dominant in their chart because they also seem like having a talent with words or being a great communicator, they are also very funny so expect to laugh a lot with them, they might be younger than you or it's simply that they have a youthful energy, whatever it is they have this childlike energy that makes them lovely. Your person has this golden retirever energy that everyone likes, they are also very friendly and seems to have it easy to create friendships with other people, their sense of humor is a plus on this aspect too, they are a sweetheart with a loving heart but they are also very hard working and commited to what they think is right, you'll feel super comfortable by their side, even though they could be younger they will give off very mature and reliable energy.

The connection:

(Cards: Keep an open mind, retreat, flirt, love yourself first, chemistry/ the sword and rose, girl talk, cupid's arrow, sunglasses, engagement ring)

Okay, at first they might not be your usual type or the kind of person you would be interested in, for some, your person could be younger than you and that could be a turn off for you. Your connection will bloom progressively by creating a friendship first, besides the fact that your person will be very into you from the very first moment, they'll prefer to respect your times and show you they are worthy of your love, they will feel like they are out of your league for some reason. You might run from them at a certain moment because you get confused with your emotions, especially for those of you reading this that are a water moon, you'll need some time to reflect on your emotions and realize that there's an inmense chemistry between you two, maybe this distance you take serves you as a reassurance of how drawn you feel to this person, they'll have a bad time with this retreat but for you will be very healing and enlightning. I see that there's a female or dominant femenine energy in your life you trust so much, that person is very reliable and wise, don't doubt to ask them for advice because she will bring you clarity about the situation, I'm glad to say that you have an amazing support system, count on that female friend when you need mental clarity because she will be very honest, for some of you this person could be a sister. During this separation you might think that your person is focused into their bussiness but they'll be into stalker mode (positively, of course), checking up on you, they might even ask someone close to you how you are doing just to know about you, they'll also be checking your social media to know about you, they won't do it in a creepy way, they'll feel the same pull to you but they have a harder time trying to contain their emotions, the good thing is that you seem to be very intuitive so you'll know when their energy is trying to approach you. They'll be so in love with you, it feels like they fell first but you'll fall harder after a while, you both are soulmates so, even though you'll try to fight your feelings, you can't help but fall for this person, and after you see how much they are willing to offer and their true esence you'll fall for them (I'm writting this at 15:15 on my clock in case it's a relevant number for you). They'll wear their heart on their sleeve, they'll be very protective of you and won't allow any disrispect to you, they can be cutthroating if anybody tries to mess with you, tey'll feel so honnoured by you focusing on them that they will try to make you the happiest person ever everyday of your life, they can't believe their luck by finding a person like you and receiving love from you, this connection will be an equal give and take, you both will do everything for the other to make them happy.

Signals:

(Tea leafs: dolphin, windchimes, fox, broken ring, bull, needle and thread, ant, table)

For you, you'll be in a very nice moment of your life when you are about to meet your person, you'll be receiving a big amount of money because of something you did in the past, like a material reward. This material abundance will give you a feeling of peace and relief, you have the chance to have some vacations or free time by yourself, I see you a little secretive about this, like you don't want anybody to ruin this good time, you may also be silent about the amount of money you receive. For your person, they'll be dettaching from someone or something, the broken ring is usually associated with romance but I feel it more related to bussiness so they might be changing their job for a healthiest enviroment (if you felt called to pile 1 I suggest you to check it), it seems like their current work field is forcing your person to sacrifice themselves and keeps them in a defensive position. They'll have to work hard but it will bring them stability and security.

Channeled messages: Acts of service, getting a pet together, a cat person, sleep problems, full moons affect their mood, white horses and moths, vivid dreams, sitcoms, a lot of laugh, mental fog, meditation, 1212, 444, taurus, gemini, aquarius

[genderkoolaid]

I feel like you would get this, seeing this comment section kinda hurt. The OP they are responding to is a non-binary trans man who was talking about feeling uncomfortable because they still feel attraction to lesbians and have felt very excluded. He’s wary around certain lesbians because they center their ideology around hating men regardless of gender identity and has faced a lot of anti-transmasculinity and transmisogyny. While most lesbians are wonderful amazing people there’s no denying that some do hold an innate hatred for men, not saying they need to like men. I fully understand lesbians and predatory cis men but there’s definitely lesbians who would date trans men. It can be scary for a trans man to come out or start transitioning because at what point do they become too masculine or too much of a man for their friends. There were even people in the comments saying the same anti-man statements who identify as a he/him nonbinary lesbian. This topic is very hard to hear for me as a closeted genderfluid person because my best friend is a man hating lesbian and I dread the day I can actually begin transitioning and she turns her back on me like these people. Queer spaces in general can be hard to occupy as a multi gendered person because of those people as well as mlm/nblm spaces that say ‘fem aligned dni’. In general I don’t think we should police labels and everyone has their own interpretation and I think labels are just a suggestion anyway but I suppose that makes sense for a genderfluid bisexual person.

These people just straight up do not understand the gender diversity that has always existed in lesbian spaces (by which I mean spaces built & catering to queer women & those seen as women).

There have always been trans men in lesbian spaces. You aren't obligated to fuck them, but they have always been there. There are pages and pages of writing out there not only by trans male dykes, but by the lesbian cis women who love them and still identify as lesbians while in relationships with them. There are trans guys at dyke bars right now as we speak having a great time.

Its not surprising to me that there are he/him NB lesbians supporting this. There are a lot of people out there who, because they don't identify As Men, mentally distance themselves from those who do despite any similarities. It's okay for THEM to be lesbians, and it's transphobic to erase THEIR lesbianism because they are Non-Men™! but once you cross that line you become the enemy. It's very "no you gyns I'm TOTALLY different than those gross tbros i promise im not a man at all and i will never want to be one so im allowed in the club!" The same people also throw multigender people under the bus. Trying to figure out your nonbinary in this environment is hellish (I speak from experience) because people pretend like they are super accepting of nonbinary people, until you realize that if you ever think of yourself as even slightly male people will start seeing you as a predatory invader trying to Force Lesbians To Date Men! Very "complex gender for me but not for thee"

Anyways. Twitter is not a good place. Anon, I hope you find better friends. Not every queer space is this hostile to us, I promise. There are people out there who genuinely work to make our community better and I hope you find them.

[misqnon]

Thoughts on Sanji enjoying feminine things?

short thoughts: i love it and think he should do it more often esp because i feel like he definitely does in canon and just won't actually let himself do so. i don't draw him in drag all the time for no reason

long thoughts: [breathes in]

i could write an entire essay on sanji's character in terms of femininity, queerness, and misogny BUT we don't have time for all that so let's just focus on the fact i feel like there's actual evidence he enjoys traditionally non-masculine things and oda actually puts him in situations to highlight this pretty frequently

-i am guilty of calling sanji a metrosexual . it's a stupid word but it fits him. he's the only guy on the ship that showers every day and the only other ppl on the ship who do this are the two girls. man also wears suits like mad and has a fairly...daring fashion sense outside of that (granted, most ppl in one piece do.) but he just cares about these things more than most guys! and that doesn't even seem like something that came from his upbringing at baratie bc...no one else dressed like that. he just does that himself. i also can't stop thinking about the sbs where someone suggested sanji would be a stylist in real life and oda went "yes agreed"

-the kamabakka moment...okay terribly offensive and transmisogynistic (won't get into it bc i have several times before) BUT if we can take one thing from that it's that sanji *did* dress up in makeup and a dress and like. frolic with the okama. it's framed as "against his will" but he definitely could have torn that shit off quickly and easily enough, yet oda decided to imply sanji enjoyed it for at least a time before he chickened back out and called the place hell for 2 years. yea, it was probably for oda's idea of 'comedic effect' but this is, once again, one piece. sometimes the humor is part of the plot. sometimes very real information is given through the guise of humor. going off of this u could mention that (also offensive but meant to be funny) joke with the blood donation scene from fishman island

-idk just something about the way oda writes him fighting lots of queer or non-conventionally masculine characters. i feel like it says something about sanji having his own internal struggle about his masculinity- which we know must be true bc of his whole list of virtues he never breaks a la women because of his upbringing with good ol' fashioned zeff and uh. "men should be war machines" germa over here. he fights bon clay and queen for christ sake.

-the scene where he's like happy as a clam to be in nami's body in punk hazard is another comedy gag that's also a little . interesting. I could say oda just keeps accidentally coding him but I feel like oda's very intentionally with his characterization and the subtlety of it

-overall he's just clearly so interested in masculinity since zeff raised him to be that way and he holds zeff in such high regards in combination with his background with germa, his mother and his sister, leading to a I Have To Be A Perfect Gentlemen And Also Respect Women by Putting Them On the Highest of Pedestals. and this in turn has made him reluctant to engage with femininity in any way that could be perceived as Not fitting this manly persona he's made for himself, yet he keeps getting put up against it in various small moments in the series whether comedic or not. I don't think oda frames sanji's relationship with masculinity entirely as a character flaw or weakness to be fixed, bc oda seems to respect sanji's views/they align with oda's own views. BUT I do think he knows it's partially susceptible to change and....he makes Sanji encounter these things so often for a reason. does that make sense?

in my ideal world sanji 20 years in the future is a bit more feminine even if he's still a casanova ladies man. like he accepted the okama influence in his life, he's just more quiet about it, lmao. I mean did u see his hair for oda's 40 yr old design

so yeah. he does, I think. quietly and deep down.

[wutheringcaterpillar]

Kitten

Summary: After Jackson kidnapped you, you look back to how it all started, and reflect on how much he has broken you. Understanding that your life was now solely reliant on him, and maybe he did love you in his own sick way.

Warnings: Noncon, stockholm syndrome, kidnapping, p in v, the butt sex, loss of virginity, spitting, abuse, flashbacks, hair pulling, name calling, thigh riding, cigarette smoking

Thirty days.

It had been thirty days since you were taken by the charming blue eyed man out of your own apartment, your own home where you seeked solace but all you received was madness.

Now here you sat, still chained to the headboard while Jackson sat across from the bed on a old chair, cigarette lit between his lips.

The smoke danced around the dim lit room in a haunting silhouette as he stared at you. He knew his gaze intimidated you, and would take enjoyment when you’d crumble at the knees to please him out of fear.

The memories still haunted you, the fact that he had watched you for so long, has been in the same vicinity, passing you by so many times going unnoticed. 

You’d become reliant on him, a month without anyone stuck in a room with Jackson made you understand you had no one, nowhere to go. He was your soul dependance for your life to continue and you weren’t ready to die yet, even stuck here with him. You’d grown to like him, but you hated it, hated him for making you feel so little, and just a small fragment of this tiny earth.

Placing the cigarette in the ashtray, diminishing what was left of the flame. He slowly crawled on to the bed toward you, his palms imprinting the stained white sheets. 

“I’m not going to hurt you. I wanted to see how you’ve been adjusting to your new life.”

His fingers grazed over your tear stained cheek ever so gently, causing you to lean in toward his touch.

It had been so long since you were touched by anyone, and a part of you couldn’t help to think that maybe this was his sick, twisted way to show love.

He raised his eyebrows expectantly, waiting for an answer. 

Your voice was hoarse, but you spoke with sincerity in your eyes.

“Jackson, I-I feel lonely, when you leave and I worry you won’t come back for me.” 

“Oh baby.” His thumb wiped at the singular tear that escaped your eye. He genuinely seemed concerned about you for once.

“If I take these off, are you going to run away or are you going to be a good girl for me?” You nodded and he eyed you skeptically, but he can tell you were pleading for him, you needed him right now even if you didn’t want to, just like how he had planned.

Unlocking the cuffs, he was surprised when you clung to him instantly, wrapping your arms around his warm neck, burying your head in his masculine shoulder as you began to cry.

He had conditioned you this way, purposely leaving you locked in a room, completely alone, not returning for hours on end, sometimes days when you’d try to escape or fight back with no food, no heat, no water.

He would reward you with all of these things if you would just behave, and give in to him, come to the understanding that he played fairly as long as you obeyed him. 

Feeling your innocent tears against his skin made his cock twitch in his pants, going unnoticed by you as your feelings overwhelmed you.

Pulling you away, his head tilted slightly, and you were hesitant before you found yourself staring at his plush lips that looked so inviting.

Not being able to be patient he pulled you in, your lips crashing against his in a heated kiss, his tongue inching deeper and deeper into your mouth.

Pushing you down, he pulled down your underwear with one hand while removing his with the other.

The sight of you splayed out beneath him, caused his cock to twitch once more, the desire running through him in a craze.

“Jackson, please. I-I need you.” Were the words you mumbled lowly, not wanting to admit your emotions running through your veins. 

Your head slipped into a dark headspace as the touch of his hardened member aligned with your wet tight hole.

You didn’t know what to think or why you were feeling this way, it made you feel disgusted with yourself to know that this is what he’s been able to break you down to.

“You’re learning to be such a good little whore for me. Doesn’t it feel nice not to fight me anymore?” 

You nodded and tears filled your eyes as he plunged his length into you, taking the air out of your lungs.

An involuntary moan escaped from your lips, your mouth gaping open from the pleasure of feeling so full.

“Oh fuck, forgot how fucking tight you are. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it princess?” He began to fuck into you rapidly, while your mind was haunted with your first night of being held captive by him.

You remembered his face that night, how vile he was to you, the memories rushed back into your mind as you held him tight, squeezing your eyes shut over his shoulders as your tears built up, causing what felt like a pond on his shoulder.

~

It all happened so fast, you had just finished showering before you set off to your parents funeral.

When you opened the curtain you were shoved harshly back into the the hard shower wall, being faced with devilish blue eyes, your captors hand covering your mouth to stop your screams from being heard.

“Yes, yes I understand you think you may not know me, but for a quick introduction I’m the man the killed your father and you, sweetheart are my prize. I’ve known you for quite a while now.” You tried to push against the man while horror filled within you, realizing the amount of danger you’re in. Your efforts were laid to rest when his hand gripped your throat tightly, his other hand cupping your chin, forcing you at a stand still.

“Don’t fight, listen very carefully. You my dear, are going to come with me, put on a show like we’re a loving couple or we can do this the more difficult way, you choose.” 

Tears streamed down your heated cheeks, causing Jackson to smile at how quickly you were frightened of him. “Let- let me go. Please, please I’ll give you any-anything you want.” He laughed at you menacingly before head butting you against the wall, knocking you out almost instantly.

He brushed the strands of hair out of your beautiful face, taking in your delicate features that he’d soon devour. “I’m sure you will sweetheart, I’m sure you will.”

When you awoke, your head was spinning and you found that your wrists were immobile as they were duct taped together, your ankles tied to two wooden posts in a dark room.

“Is my kitten awake now ready to play?” His voice was dark but it seemed close as if he was behind you sending shivers up your spine.

The lights flashed on and he stood there, cock in his hand as he took the display of you splayed out on an old wooden desk in the room, spread eagle just for him.

Your cries were muffled by the duct tape placed securely over your lips.

Jackson walked toward you, now standing between your thighs. He sent a sharp slap across your cheek, making your head hit the wall behind you.

“I told you not to put up a fight didn’t I? Just like your father aren’t you. Think you’re unstoppable.” You tried to look away from him, anywhere but him.

Yanking your hair, he forced you to look up into his piercing blue eyes.

He spat on your face making you flinch, and your eyebrows furrowed together in disgust.

“I’m going to break you in ways you never thought possible.” He aligned himself with your hole, causing you to scream. Kicking and trying to fight, the bindings of the rope came loose just as he was about to enter.

In a dizzy state, you attempted running to the door even though you were nude but it didn’t matter Jackson was faster, grabbing the back of your head, forcing you back, causing you to fall on the floor. “I told you to play nice, that wasn’t very nice Y/N.” Positioning himself on top of you, he sent a sharp blow to your face once more, spitting in your eye and before you had time to think he plunged his full length into you, no spit or anything.

Your insides felt as if something sharp was tearing your skin open at the seams, mutilating your raw flesh.

All movement in you stilled as you were starting to focus on the pain.

“Atta girl.” He pushed your thighs apart, spreading your trembling lips by your core, spitting and slapping the sensitive skin harshly until it turned as red as an apple, forcing tears out of your eyes. The sight of your watering, beading eyes brought a tremendous amount of pleasure to his sickening mind.

His pace sped up and his balls slapped against your  inner thighs near the crevice of your ass. 

The size of of him, stretched your hole wider than you thought was ever possible, and you cried, and cried.

The sight of blood trickling out of you caught Jackson’s attention, causing a wide grin to spread across his face. “First time is it?” 

He couldn’t go on any longer without hearing your sweet screams and moans. 

Ripping the duct tape off the first thing that released from your in between your lips was an exasperated moan that you didn’t expect as Jackson continued to rail into you relentlessly.

Bending down he, connected his lips with yours, when you didn’t reciprocate the smack he sent to your, reddening cheeks was undeniably harsh and held power as it blew your hearing out out on what side of your head.

“C’mon now Y/N, don’t be a prude.” You spat at him, making him laugh and wipe the spit of off his face.

What he did next was unbearable. “You like it rough do you? Let’s see how much my kitten can handle.” Flipping you over, pressing your face into the sheets, he spread your cheeks with his other hand, seeing the hole of glory that he knew to be much tighter than the other.

Your eyes went wide when you felt the head of him pushing into the area that was off limits for you.

Key word for you, not him.

Trying your best, your fists curled at the sheets, trying to grasp for the head board, in a fast motion he grabbed your hips and slammed you down onto his entire length, making you scream out in pain, causing your body to collapse against the bed.

Fire ripped through your once innocent cavity, the devil inside him came out as he watched his hardened member stretch your dry skin.

Forcing your body up and down his erect, rather large member, you layed there losing all sanity in you as he took complete control over you.

The intense feeling of your walls suffocating his every pressure point had him groaning, his cock twitched in your battered body. 

“God you’re a good fuck y’know that? Might just have to keep you here forever. All to myself.” 

He pulled your weak, immobile body up against his chest, his cock still buried deep in your ass, forcing a desperate whimper to escape your lips.

“Saved a seat just for you. Ride me.” When you didn’t move, he grabbed your nipple forcefully twisting the tender skin, his hand once again smacking at your most private part.

“Did I stutter? Let me see you move that ass.”

Unwillingly, you moved up slowly, then down again, feeling humiliated and used. The size of him was overwhelming but once you were riding him the pain began to transform to pleasure, your body moving a little too fast for your liking.

His fingers slid up and down between your soaked lips, causing him to smile.

“You like this don’t you? Look at how wet you are? Oh I get it, you like being taken control of, being degraded to nothing but an object?” Your movements sped up, grinding down on him feeling your orgasm come closer than ever. 

Jackson enjoyed the look of you, your wrists bonded by duct tape, completely at his mercy, the tears streaming down your cheek.

His hands clutched your breasts roughly, and his thighs began to twitch as he his orgasm drove threw him. His warm seed spilled deep into your ass, filling you completely. He wanted you weak, he wanted you to feel violated in every way and you did. He could tell that you were close to the edge as well, that’s when he pushed you off of him, denying your high.

“You wanna get off, you’re going to do so, on my terms. You have to earn it yourself.” The nerve he had you thought to yourself. Thinking maybe if you just followed his orders he’d dispose of you, allow you to be free, maybe he wouldn’t kill you.

“Get off on my thigh like a good little bitch.” There was absolutely no way you were going to ride him like a dog in heat with nothing inside you. When you hesitated he pulled you up by your quivering thighs, landing you on his hairy, thick thighs. 

Your pussy felt like a water slide against his skin, when you tried to bury your face in the crook of his neck he pushed you back.

“Ah, ah. I wanna see that pretty, dumb face break.” He held you in place by your chin, hitting you with the other again when you didn’t move.

“What did I say?” Whimpering, you slid up and down his thigh, his seed still leaking out of your ass adding to the wetness. You felt disgusted, but your aching core was telling you more. Your brushed against him slowly at first, reveling in the small points of pleasure until you sped up.

Grinding up and down, your hips move swiftly and ferociously with every movement, never breaking eye contact with him. You hated him. You hated how amazing he was making you feel, how much your body ache to get off because of him.

He watched you with a twisted smirk, biting his lip, as your back began to arch, your clit rubbing against his skin over and over again in just the right way.

You felt yourself crumbling, crashing as your whole body began to twitch and you involuntarily moaned his name, your liquids spilling out of your dripping hole while you reached your orgasm.

As soon as you were done, he pushed you to the side of the bed, getting up and pulling on his pants and shirt while you layed there quivering a broken mess.

Finally it was over.

“Thanks for the quickie.” He winked at you, slapping your cheek lighter than usual before standing up and pulling your weak body up onto the bed, holding you delicately in his arms.

“Now I have to get going, you’re going to stay here, and be a good girl. I’ll be back later.” 

No, no he just wanted sex, he was supposed to let you go.

“What- no! No, I gave you what you wanted now let me-“ He backhanded your cheek and shoved you back down onto the bed.

You heard a rustling that sounded like it was next to you.

The next sensation you felt was the cold, uncomfortable metal place around your wrists behind the headboard.

The fighting and trying to escape went on for weeks until you realized he did always come back for you, he did take care of you when you cooperated and you found it best to give in.

~

Your eyes slid open slowly, your nails were dug into his shoulder blades while he pumped in and out of you, just finishing up.

He collapsed onto you, his seed spilling in you once more since the first time, but this time in the hole that could potentially get you pregnant.

This was absolutely no condition to raise a child but out of fear, you didn’t say anything.

A part of you believed that if you went along with his plan, just stayed obedient he would take care of you and possibly a child.

He had shown you multiple times he loves you when you behave, and you were beginning to believe that.

He stood up from the bed, grabbing his clothes as he always did except this time he didn’t put cuffs on you as he wanted to test if you were truly his girl now.

“There’s food in the cabinet, and the heat is on, if you’d like to shower you can. Don’t leave this room, don’t unlock the door, you know the drill by now, right sweetheart?” You nodded up at him but anxiety still filled you that something would happen to him or he’s forget about you.

Crawling over to him on your hands and knees, like he had trained you, you pulled at his pant leg, worry filling your eyes.

“Promise you’re coming back?” He stopped at the door, smiling at his saddened kitten whom was so reliant and dependent on his entire being. You were learning.

“I’ll always come back for you my precious kitten.” 

[oliversrarebooks]

The Rare Bookseller Part 34: Fitz's Curtain Call

Previous Masterlist Next

June 1905

TW: mind control, captivity

"So here's how I see it, sir," said Fitz, walking down the hallway of the auction house alongside Miss Lily. "You want money, a motivation I'm well equipped to understand. I want an easy life with a rich, soft-hearted vampire. Putting aside the part where you kidnapped and brainwashed me, our interests align."

"They do indeed," said Miss Lily with a wicked grin. "I'm so glad you turned out to be so very reasonable."

Fitz, of course, was trying to cover up his terror with bluster, a technique he had honed very well over years of confidence schemes. He could feel the tug of the vampire thrall, feel it dampening his urges to escape or resist, feel it lulling his mind into submission. And it felt good, that was the worst part about it -- so easy to let his mind drift away from him, to dream about his newfound desire for fangs to sink deep in his neck. That particular fantasy was hard to deny, something akin to hunger or lust, filling his all too eager thoughts with the image of offering himself, and --

Shit. He had to stay focused. God damn these annoying, powerful, sexy, desirable vampires.

The enthrallment he'd been placed under hadn't done enough for his nerves. He still felt like he did the night before a big opening. Normally, the danger of an audience not liking him was that he'd be going hungry. Now, the danger was much, much more acute.

"Penny for your thoughts?" said Miss Lily, ruffling his hair. "You think too much for a thrall."

"Yes, the blessing and the curse you've afforded me," he said. "...Not that I'm complaining about the spell I'm under. Sir." He was fairly certain he still had something like wit to his name, and didn't want to encourage Miss Lily to change her mind on that point.

"So then, what are you thinking about?"

"The preparations for your little vampire soiree, sir," he said. "I was hoping I'd get a chance to take a shower and comb my hair. After all, it might be my final curtain call."

"So dramatic." Miss Lily laughed. Well, easy for her to do when she wasn't the one being sold. "Don't worry, you have an appointment with our chief stylist."

Fitz's eyes narrowed. He watched as a vampire led a group of empty-eyed thralls down the hall, all of them dressed in simple linens and looking like they hadn't been washed in days. "Are you serious about having a chief stylist, or are you pulling my leg, sir?"

"Oh, I'm very serious. I told you several times that you're prize merchandise."

"Lovely. So how does one style prize merchandise for vampires, sir? Am I going to be trussed up and placed on a silver platter, with an apple in my mouth for garnish?"

"No."

"Of course not, the platter wouldn't be silver. Gold, then, sir."

"It's actually traditional for high quality thralls to be put in fancy ball dress to be sold off."

"Well, you're in great luck, sir. Despite my intimidating masculinity, I actually pull off a dress very well." He was speaking from experience on this, as he'd had to wear all sorts of women's costumes for various theatrical and hiding-from-cops reasons. "They're all very low cut, I assume, to better show off the neck?"

"Oh, you do catch on quickly."

Miss Lily showed him in to a large, sumptuous dressing room, the kind that would be the envy of any of the small-time theaters he'd performed in. There was an impressively formidable vanity covered in all sorts of makeup, some of it very expensive-looking, but what really caught Fitz's eye were the racks of elaborate ball gowns. Miss Lily certainly wasn't pulling his leg about that particular detail.

"Hello, Florence!" said Miss Lily with the cheer of a woman who was about to have a very lucrative evening. "I've brought my special project for you!"

"Special project indeed," said the older woman, scrutinizing Fitz with a practiced eye like a jeweler appraising a stone. "Well, he's handsome, at least."

"Oh, you've got a good eye," said Fitz with a grin. "It's vitally important that I'm dressed to impress, sir, and I want to accentuate my finer points, of which I have many. Whatever will make me irresistible to Miss Lily's friend with the deep pockets."

Miss Florence's eyebrow lifted. "This is the thrall you're preparing for Alexander?"

"Alexander keeps telling me he wants a companion thrall, one who reads and plays instruments. He hates the recent trend of meek and muted thralls," said Lily. "Fitz here is very much the opposite."

"Exactly, sir," said Fitz, strangely eager to please these vampires, launching into his little spiel. "I can read, I can play guitar, I can do magic tricks, I can do real magic if you give me enough preparation time, I can tell your future, I can juggle oranges, I can wash windows, bake bread, mend fences, sew, and I play a mean game of poker. Plus, the handsome face, of course."

"Oh, my dear sweet devil. Be quiet, young man," said Miss Florence, placing her hand on his head, and suddenly he felt a deep compulsion to follow her command and stay perfectly still. She was looking him over more closely now. "He's far more charming when he shuts his mouth."

"They say that about me, too," said Miss Lily. "Perhaps that's why we get on so well."

Fitz couldn't help the small laugh that escaped him. He did respect Miss Lily, in a way, apart from the thrall that was placed on him. She played a good con game, and judging by the sheer expense of the outfit she had on tonight, she was raking in the cold, hard cash. Selling people for money was several bridges too far for him, but in another life where she weren't a vampire and had at least a faint impression of a moral compass, they could've gotten along.

"Anyway, I'll leave him in your capable hands," said Miss Lily. "Despite his talkative streak, you have absolutely nothing to fear from him in terms of obedience. He's a pushover to any kind of thrall, or even simply praise and flattery."

And any good thoughts about Miss Lily evaporated, as Fitz scowled at being described as an easy mark. It was far more true than he'd like it to be.

"Is that so?" said Miss Florence, petting his hair. "Can you be docile and still for me, child?"

"Yes, sir," he heard his voice say, meek and mild. He already hated Miss Florence's powers, his words catching in his throat and his muscles disinclined to obey his commands. The forced meekness and artificial calm made him feel so vulnerable. But he had no choice but to allow himself to be led to the dresses. Miss Florence was rummaging about, pulling this and that dress and putting them together on a rack.

"Here, I've put out appropriate dresses that could potentially fit and which might appeal to Miss Lily's friend with the deep pockets, as you so crassly put it," she said. "Go ahead and pick which one appeals to you."

Several days of thrall and prison related brain fog had made Fitz's decision-making skills -- dubious at the best of times -- particularly rusty. He didn't really know anything about his prospective buyers. He didn't really know anything about vampires and what would appeal to or discourage them, apart from necks pumping with blood. He could choose based on his complexion and hair, but --

"Focus, child. What calls to you?"

Fitz could feel Miss Florence's power over him lifting a bit. "I need to know what is most likely to appeal to the best target buyers, sir," he said. "For example, if older vampires are more well-mannered, I might go with older styles, but if --"

"You should choose what you want to wear. It's the only choice I allow thralls to make in this room," she said, her irritation apparent.

"Sir, what I want to wear is whatever will help me avoid being chained in a dank basement by a sadist, or a surgical removal of my personality, or -- " Fitz felt the spell being cast on him again, stopping his voice. 

"I'll allow you to try this one more time. You are to choose what you want. Not what you think an unknown patron would want, or what Miss Lily thinks you need to wear. What you want."

What he wanted? Fitz could start with freedom, even a few more days of it. That night of the magic show could easily be his last night as anything resembling a free man, and for all he knew, tonight was the last night he'd get to laugh and joke and pretend as though everything was fine.

When it came to what he wanted, a fancy ball dress didn't rate very high on his list of priorities.

Pointing this out would simply get him another swift dose of thrall dampening his voice, so instead he did what she wanted and perused the rack for something that might look flattering on him. If this was truly going to be his last night as anything resembling Phantom Fitz, he might as well go for the flashiest dress available.

Or perhaps he'd be purchased by a vampire who would appreciate his dramatic flair and show him mercy.

Perhaps he'd be purchased by a vampire who would appreciate breaking a confident human.

Regardless of the risk, he pulled out a very low cut dress made of crushed velvet in a deep red shade, the color of fresh blood, with golden trim. It was a stunning gown, exactly the sort of thing he might find alluring if he were a bloodsucking fiend. It was also suitably dramatic for a night that felt like both a beginning and an ending.

He checked the bust area as he looked it over, wondering how much padding he might need to wear with it, if it would accommodate him at all -- and he realized that it actually seemed cut for a man's figure. It did make sense that they stocked gowns cut this way, if they expected all of the fancy grade-A thralls to wear them.

"There you go," said Miss Florence, laying her hands on his shoulders, the hypnotic silence settling over his mind once more. "Now drop, and be calm and utterly still for me."

It was like cotton fluff filling his mind, dampening his thoughts. He could feel himself straining against it, so anxious from not being able to process and plot and scheme, but with no way of expressing that. He expected the peaceful nature of Miss Florence's power might be nice if he actually relaxed, but he had no intention of doing so. Not here. Not when so much was at stake.

He was pulled along into a bathroom, where he was unceremoniously stripped and dunked in a bathtub, scrubbed thoroughly with a thick pink bar of floral-scented soap. It felt nice to be washed, and he felt himself zoning out despite his resolve, mind wandering to the dreams Miss Lily had filled his head with. Dreams of the life he could live with a handsome and permissive vampire, of nights in an elegant mansion with a mysterious, dark master. The best case scenario.

Miss Florence sitting him down in front of a mirror and producing a pair of long scissors was what snapped him out of it. His golden hair, the feature he was so vain about -- and she was going to -- He heard himself involuntarily make a sound of distress, mind clawing against the vampire's spell.

"Oh, hush now, child," she said, as if she were talking to a fussy little boy getting his first haircut. "I have more experience cutting hair than any human barber."

While that was likely true, that didn't stop Fitz's chest from tightening as she chopped his hair far shorter than he liked to keep it. Vampires didn't want to have to deal with hair maintenance, he supposed, another unwelcome reminder of how little freedom he would have.

It was only hair. There were more important things to be concerned about. But his heart ached.

After rubbing his skin with sweet-smelling lotions, she brought him back into the main room and took out a small measuring tape. She began obsessively measuring every possible part of his body, from around his head to the size of his feet, in a way that seemed almost more like a ritual than an efficient way to measure him for a dress. Every time she brushed him, he felt the cottony prison for his mind growing thicker and more inescapable.

He was at least lucid enough to remember how to put on the undergarments required to wear fancy women's dress, with some assists from Miss Florence, particularly where it concerned the corset. Soon, the gown was being slipped over his head, and he found himself staring into his reflection in a large floor mirror as Miss Florence made adjustments to the dress here and there.

He looked stunning. And not just in the way he tried to convince himself every morning in the mirror, papering over his many flaws with cheap vanity. No, he actually looked fantastic in the deep red gown.

He only wished it were for a show and not for being sold to vampires.

And then the tailoring was done and he was whisked off to the vanity, Miss Florence applying makeup with a practiced hand. She was doing a much lighter look than the stage makeup he often applied himself, just enough to accentuate his skin.

"Now then, child, focus on me," said Miss Florence, dangling a ruby pendant in front of his face. It reminded him of the fatal pendant Miss Lily had used on him in his ill-fated five dollar bet. "You will remain calm during the auction."

Fitz felt something in him tug hard against that idea. How could he possibly remain calm when...

Miss Florence put a firm hand on top of his head, slowly swinging the pendant in front of his eyes. "You will remain calm during the auction. Repeat."

"I will remain calm during the auction, sir," his own voice droned.

"You exist to be a vampire's thrall. Repeat."

No, no, he was so much more than... "I exist to be a vampire's thrall, sir."

"You will know true obedience."

"I will know true obedience, sir." He could practically hear the echo of Miss Lily's voice convincing him how rewarding and pleasurable obedience would be. It had never been his strong suit. But the trance locking his mind said otherwise.

"Now, here is your final gift," said Miss Florence, taking his wrists with gentle hands, and snapping golden handcuffs around them. "You'll feel so much better once you've been sold off to a proper master, child. I can tell."

The amount of mesmeric power he was under made his twinge of despair seem distant, a storm cloud far away on the horizon. "Yes, sir."

Previous Masterlist Next

Next week is Christmas, so I plan to post a few Christmas specials (including at least one for Rare Bookseller) instead of a new part of the main story! The main story will resume in the new year, but until then, I have various AUs, asks, and a brand new series I hope to post.

Thanks for all your support for this silly little vampire story! I'm truly grateful for the reception I've had.

@d-cs @latenightcupsofcoffee @thecyrulik @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @wanderinggoblin @whumpyourdamnpears @only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are @pressedpenn @pigeonwhumps @amusedmuralist @xx-adam-xx @ivycloak @irregular-book @whumpsoda @mj-or-say10 @pokemaniacgemini @whumpshaped @whumpsday @morning-star-whump @shinyotachi @silly-scroimblo-skrunkl @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @pirefyrelight @theauthorintraining-blog @whump-me-all-night-long @anonfromcanada @typewrittenfangs @tessellated-sunl1ght @cleverinsidejoke @abirbable @ichorousambrosia @a-formless-entity @gobbo-king

[starrixle]

simpbur headcanon dump ♡

a bunch of random headcanons for simpbur that i thought of !! (all under the cut because there is a lot...)

his birthday is december 11 and his height is 5'4 (this is actually canon but im including it anyways)

he goes by he/they/she (in order of preference). he's genderfluid, but more masc aligned. he is also bisexual and horribly closeted (the closet is as clear as glass)

he is neurodivergent, he also suffers from lots of anxiety. he is very anti-social

he and liliana (the e-girl) were both just not great for each other. it was not just simp being toxic to the e girl, but she was toxic to him as well to a certain extent. she isnt a bad person, and neither was simpbur, they were just a pair that wouldnt work out

part of the reason why simpbur is so insecure abt himself is bc liliana tends to be a judgemental person. she has standards that simp didnt meet, and that made him go into the mindset of changing himself to suit what she liked. however, this failed and they ended up breaking things off instead

his breakup with liliana destroyed simpbur's mental health, especially with him being a very fragile person to begin with. this is where his obsession began due to still having a very strong attachment with what he once had with her, along with having extreme jealousy over the thought of her being successful in life with someone other than him

his favorite vape flavor is bubblegum. he would smoke cigarettes, but he doesn't like the smell, and he just prefers vapes

he is horrible with being responsible with his money. even though he struggles to pay rent and works a minimum wage job, he usually spends his money on games and anime stuff

types with stuff like uwu, owo, :3, :<, XD, ^_^, (*≧з≦), etc.

used to live with his mom, but now he lives in a tiny apartment on his own. it's not very well kept or clean, and he often just throws his junk around everywhere since he never has the energy to clean the place up. the only place he bothers (kinda) decorating is his bedroom

cries over small things easily, like when he gets a paper cut, stubs his toe, when his food order is wrong, etc.

can't handle spicy foods whatsoever

he has a shoe box full of random stuff he stole from liliana, such as pens she used, her clothes, trash, hair, etc.

kicks ass at competitive games, such as first person shooter games. he is a chronically online gamer and he lowkey acts toxic sometimes while gaming

he sometimes just goes "gg :3" in the chat whenever he manages to dominate the game. he doesnt like using vc bc he doesnt really like his voice, so he usually sticks to typing, esp bc hes a pretty fast typer (100+ wpm)

he collects a ton of anime figures. usually leaves things in their packaging. he cringed whenever liliana took them out of the packaging, since she didn't understand why he left them in the box instead of taking them out

he blasts music at full volume, especially while gaming. he listens to a lot of vocaloid, breakcore, krushclub, hyperpop, indie rock, etc.

his diet consists of fast food, take out, ramen, microwaved food, soda, snacks, anything that's unhealthy

he usually hides his figure with thick, oversized clothing

he doesn't usually express his style much outside in public, but he likes experimenting a lot with outfits at home, especially ones that aren't typically masculine

he's secretly a furry and has a fursona. he usually acts as if he thinks furries or cringe, but he would have anon alt accounts where he'd look at furries online and talk about how cute they are

his feelings towards his body changes depending on his mood. although he doesn't completely mind being assigned amab, he does wish he looked more feminine, or at the very least androgynous

at a certain point in his life, he denied his femininity and attempted to retain a super masculine appearance and personality. it didn't make him happy, instead it made him more insecure

coming to terms with being not cishet was extremely difficult. he was in denial that he was bisexual, and even more in denial he wasn't a cisgender man. altho he's grown to slowly be more comfortable with his identity, he's still struggling to accept himself

he switches from being masculine and feminine a lot. other times he simply just does not want to be perceived and would avoid people

he loves the idea of romance and intimacy, but the actual act of doing romantic/intimate things freaks him out. he craves for love, but he's terrified to act on it, especially with his last relationship with liliana failing

he posts rants/vents about his thoughts anonymously online on places like reddit

he grew to be good at stalking, even learning strategies to keep himself hidden or quiet, along with learning how to unlock windows or doors. he thought he was insane for doing it at first, but he's grown more used to it being a routine

his eyes are actually dark brown. i just draw them pink because it's just an artistic choice i like in his design

he has sharp canine teeth

he says "im gonna kms :3" and makes all kinds of self-deprecating jokes very often

he often writes random songs in his diary and sings to himself/plays guitar in his room. it's very comforting for him, as its a form of coping

even tho he dislikes his voice, he's very good at singing (insert the entirety of the e-girl trilogy here)

if i ever come up with more headcanons i will make another post as a part 2 !! this guy is constantly living rent free in my mind 24/7 i am so perfectly sane about simpbur i swear. completely. 100%. *eye twitching*

[uhhkpop]

A Perfect Girl - Eric Sohn x (afab)NB!reader

—

Content/Warnings: College AU, Smut (18+ mdni), Fluff, Angst, they/them reader, discussion of pronouns, reader’s gender identity not specified- implied to be slightly female aligned but outside the gender binary, misgendering (accidental and deliberate), insecurity, reader has body hair, reader is taller than Eric, Eric’s ex is a bully, virgin!reader with no dating experience, big dick!Eric (iykyk 👀), tit sucking, unprotected piv sex (DONT DO THIS), oral (receiving), marking (giving and receiving), reader becomes a bit possessive but Eric thinks it’s hot, an “ily”, hurt-comfort, this is ridiculously long, lmk if I’ve missed something

DISCLAIMER: I write fan fiction for myself and myself only. If you feel excluded or underrepresented by the content, that is because it is specifically intended to represent me. If you like it, that’s great, and I’m hoping a few people might, but if you don’t, then you are free to read something else.

—

By itself, crushing on a boy sucks. It sucks even more when you dress kinda masculine, have a couple inches on him height-wise, and you worry that as a (presumably) heterosexual man, these qualities on a woman (or whatever it is you are, you’ve given up on figuring it out) will be a turn off for him.

You like to think that Eric isn’t full of toxic masculinity or anything of the sort, though you wouldn’t blame him if he was a bit insecure��� most people are, in one way or another. But at the end of the day, cis-het men like femininity and that is not you. So, all you can do is look at him wistfully from across the classroom and fantasize about things that you’re sure will never happen. Sighing, you think about how the only girls you’ve seen him date have all been short and pretty with frilly outfits, flowing long hair, and foreheads never too high for him to kiss. You aren’t jealous of their height or how they dress, you wouldn’t want to look like them anyway, but you are jealous that they get to be considered desirable and you aren’t. Eric Sohn is too normal for you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You’re so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you almost don’t hear the professor announce that partners for the group project will be posted tonight. You’re still sneaking glances at him even as class ends and people start filtering out when you see a girl jog in with a hopeful look on her face. She goes straight towards Eric and grabs his hand and although you can’t hear everything, the girl says something along the lines of, “Come onnnnn. We should spend time together again. I miss you, you know?”, in a coaxing tone. You watch Eric’s face harden as he speaks crossly,

“What did you think I meant when I said I didn’t want to see you anymore?” He fixes her with a glare. The girl just looks at him innocently.

“Well, I know you just wanted a few days to cool down, so I gave you a few days and now we can go back to our old routine!” She smiles at him, clearly ignoring the annoyed look on his face. You continue to pack up slowly because even though you know it’s not your business and you’re internally scolding yourself for being nosy, part of you feels compelled to find out where this is going. Because it’s Eric.

“You know that’s not what I meant. I’m not falling for this bullshit again,” Eric retorts. His voice is terse, almost angry. Your bag is all packed now and when you hear the girl start to speak again, an impulse takes over and you suddenly yell to him from across the room.

“Eric!” You call his name and wave at him. The face of the girl (who you now assume is a recent ex) twists into displeasure as you jog over. “Did you forget the reservation at that lunch place that we booked? I don’t want to be late.” Eric’s expression quickly goes from confusion to what seems to be relief.

“Lunch…” the ex scoffs, “with this ugly bitch? I see you’ve lowered your standards.” Well, ouch. That stung. She storms off before Eric can get another word in. Once she’s completely gone, you try to smile apologetically and offer,

“Sorry. You seemed a bit stuck there, so I wanted to help.” He laughs at this and shakes his head.

“No, you’re good! I’m actually glad she’s gone. I don’t think she’ll bother me again anytime soon.” He motions with his head for you to come along, so you follow him out of the classroom. “Exes, am I right?”, he quips jokingly. You shrug and stuff your hands in your pockets.

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Wait, really?” Eric’s eyes widen a bit.

“Is it that weird that I haven’t dated yet?,” you ask curiously.

“No, no,” he backtracks, looking uncomfortable, suddenly aware of what he said, “that’s not exactly what I meant. I mean, it’s totally okay if you choose not to date, not everyone has to date if they don’t want to, I know that, yeah, I’ve just overheard you ranting to friends about being single before, so I figured…” Eric rambles and then trails off. You chuckle a bit in response as you walk across one of the wide courtyards on campus.

“Don’t worry, I’m not mad. But where are we going by the way?”, you ask.

“I don’t know, actually.” You look at him, puzzled about his response.

“But I’m just following you,” you say. He looks back, equally confused by your words and replies,

“I thought I was following you???” You stop in your tracks and burst out laughing and it isn’t long before Eric joins in. After a few minutes, you take a couple of deep breaths to settle down, a giggle or two still occasionally coming up. You can’t remember the last time you laughed that hard. It felt good, really good. “So,” Eric says, “do you want to actually get lunch? I’ll buy since I owe you for rescuing me back there.” You can’t keep the grin off your face.

“I’d love to.”

~~~

On the way there and at the cafe, Eric chatted nonstop about the ex who had bothered him (Gina, you think her name was) earlier as well as about anything and everything else that came to mind. You found that you actually enjoyed listening to him speak even more than you’d expected. It wasn’t often that you found someone who could both outtalk you and simultaneously entertain you enough that you genuinely enjoyed listening to them even when you didn’t get much of a word in.

The whole thing was like a dream and you roll around on your bed, covering your face with your hands and laughing as you reminisce about it. You thought he was cute before and now you’re pretty sure you might be obsessed, too. You don’t think your luck could get any better than it already is today but when you check the list of partners assigned by the professor, you’re proven wrong. The name next to yours on the chart is none other than Eric’s.

You had exchanged numbers at lunch, so you text him the news and set up a time to meet each week to work on it. You can’t believe you’re going to be seeing him outside of class and even though you’re a bit apprehensive (out of fear you might fuck something up), you’re mostly just excited to spend time with him.

You begin sitting together every class and as he’d predicted, Gina didn’t make another attempt at an after-lecture visit. Not only is the project coming along nicely, you now feel like you can say that Eric has become a good friend. You’ve even forgotten how self-conscious you used to feel whenever you were next to him. Or at least, you’ve mostly forgotten. He made you laugh often enough that you didn’t have much time to think about it, but now and then you still feel lingering doubts at the back of your mind. Doubts that hurtle towards the surface today when Gina suddenly marches towards you while you’re studying by yourself in the library, sits across from you, and affixes you with a glare, saying,

“I can’t believe he’s been spending so much time with such a poor excuse for a girl.” Her voice drips with venom and stuns you speechless, and she goes on, “I mean, look at you, what kind of girl dresses like that? What kind of girl lets herself have that much body hair? It’s kinda gross, not gonna lie.” When you open your mouth to ask why you would even have to be a ‘girl’ or dress in a certain way, she interjects again. “You aren’t pretty at all, and you seem pretty boring, too. Even if I can’t have him anymore, you should leave him alone for someone who’s actually in his league.”

At this point, you feel compelled to clarify that Eric isn’t dating you or even interested, but you don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that, so you just tell her the harshest thing you can think of in that moment: “I’m sorry that conforming to binary gender stereotypes is so important to you. Hopefully one day you’ll get a hobby that doesn’t involve judging other people for how they dress.” You look at her nonchalantly and she looks like she wants nothing more than to cuss you out right now. But she doesn’t. Gina just stands up abruptly and walks away. Unfortunately, however, the pride you feel for reacting so calmly, is edged out by a feeling of discomfort. If anyone’s opinion should be taken seriously, it certainly shouldn’t be hers, but you can’t shake the nagging sense that she isn’t the only one who thinks the way she does.

In general, you’re happy with yourself. You’re okay with not being pretty. In the end, how you look doesn’t matter, right? …right? Except it kinda does, because you want Eric to think you’re pretty, but that seems far fetched, so you remind yourself not to get any hopes up.

You stretch and begin to pack up. After that confrontation, the thought of being here much longer makes you feel ill, so you head out the door feeling unsettled and just plain bad. Why did some people suck that much? All you want to do is go home, nap, and try not to think about it. It doesn’t even occur to you that today you have one of your weekly meetings with Eric to work on the project together. Once you get home, you plop face first into the couch and after a bit of rolling around, quickly fall asleep.

~~~

You’re rudely awakened by both the sound of your phone ringing and someone knocking on your door. “What the fuck?” You mutter and stand up. As soon as you open the door and see Eric’s face, it dawns on you. You’d completely forgotten what day it was. This had never happened before and frankly, you’re embarrassed. Letting him in, you feel yourself wither away even more on the inside. Eric should be mad, you think, but his expression remains neutral, confused even. It’s hard to speak, just seeing him right now makes you almost want to cry, but you open your mouth to try to say something to him anyway. You don’t even get the chance. Once the front door closes, Eric gently puts his hands on your arms and asks,

“Shit, you okay?” He has a concerned look on his face. You figure you must look pretty pathetic right now if he’s this worried just from looking at you. It isn’t long before the dam breaks and tears stream down your face. Eric rubs your arms and guides you to sit down on your sofa. “Hard day?” You gulp down sobs and nod. “Do… you want to talk about it?” You shake your head even though you do, actually, want to talk about it. But you can’t let him know because you don’t want him to pity you or even worse, confront his ex which might make her target you even more.

“We should…" you swallow, "get to work." You lean to grab your backpack to remind Eric of why he came over in the first place. He stops you though, holding each of your hands in his, gently stroking your knuckles with his thumbs.

"No," Eric insists, "we can always finish it up later. You aren't feeling good right now, so we probably wouldn’t get a ton of stuff done anyway," You look down at your lap, not sure how to reply. Eventually, you force out a weak ‘okay’. “Is there anything I can do to help?”, Eric asks and you shrug, still looking down, not wanting to talk. He lets go of your hands and returns them to his own lap. “Would… you like a hug?” You nod and you feel him wrap his arms around you, warm and strong, adjusting yourself in his arms so you can rest your forehead on his shoulder. Eric holds you like that for several minutes even though you aren’t crying anymore. You savor this moment because you’re pretty sure you’re a little bit in love with him and you don’t know if you’ll get chance to be this close to him ever again. It feels wrong, as if you’re taking advantage of his kindness to satisfy how utterly touch starved you feel, but right now, you don’t have the energy to think too deeply into it.

Eric releases you from his hold and pinches your arm, giving you a smile that is mischievous yet still sympathetic, an expression you didn’t even know existed before meeting him. “So,” Eric chuckles, “if you don’t wanna tell me what happened, could you at least tell me who made you feel this way, so I can go kick them in the ass?” You laugh dryly, but it lacks much humor.

“I don’t care about what happens to the other person, but one of the people is me, and I’d rather not have my ass kicked, thank you very much.” You fix him with a weary smile and his expression drops, the only sound out of his mouth is a concerned whisper of your name.

“You don’t deserve that from anyone, least of all yourself,” Eric insists.

“I know,” you say, “and usually it’s not an issue, but I have insecurities just like everyone else and sometimes I meet people who are really good at reminding me of them. And it’s not even that I compare myself to other people,” you go on, “but it’s not like I can stop other people from doing that or even from saying it straight to my face. It’s fucking bullshit.” You lean back against the couch and look at the ceiling.

You hear him sigh. “I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry man, that really sucks.” The both of you sit in silence for a few seconds before Eric blurts out, “They must have said something pretty bad to upset you that much, usually you seem so unbothered by things.”

“I mean, kinda, but it’s just a front a lot of the time. I’ve learned to just roll with it to avoid attracting even more attention. I’ve always stuck out a bit, you know? Especially since I started college.” You sit up straight and look at him again, but Eric’s expression is somewhat unreadable.

“What changed?”, he tentatively asks. You shrug casually, trying to play it cool.

“Just the way I dress and refer to myself, I guess. New town, new me. I finally started wearing the clothes I wanted instead of making myself look like a girl to feel normal… and…” you hesitate at this part. You know he’ll be accepting, you’re almost completely sure of it, but you know that there’s always a risk with this kind of thing. A risk of people pushing you away out of judgment or prejudice. You know that Eric most likely won’t push you away, and that if he does, you’re better off not having him in your life anyway. But none of that makes it any less scary.

You inhale, hoping for the best, bracing for the worst, and confess, “I also started using they/them pronouns. I didn’t change my name or anything but I don’t refer to myself as a girl or a woman as often as I used to. I don’t mind people using ‘she’ or describing me with those words, but it just feels better when people refer to me more neutrally.” Your legs are wiggling nervously and you pick at your fingernails as you wait for a response.

“Cool,” Eric says calmly then gives you a genuine smile, “Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me. I’ll do my best to keep it in mind.” The weight on your shoulders has disappeared and you feel like you can fully breathe again. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and Eric laughs and reaches over to massage one of your shoulders. “Relax a bit, you’re fine,” he reassures, his expression still amused.

“Thanks.” You smile at Eric, truly grateful.

~~~

Since then, Eric has made a diligent effort to use the right language for you. You sometimes have to remind him that he doesn’t need to focus so hard on it; you feel like he sees you for who you are, and that’s the most important part. Still, he does his best, and it’s endearing, to say the very least. Part of you wishes you hadn’t told him— you already had feelings for him before and now that he’s putting in all this effort just to make you feel comfortable and seen, you’re falling for him even harder.

But despite all this, he clearly only sees you as a friend. It’s obvious, the way he’ll ask for an opinion about some girl’s profile on whatever dating app he’s using, how he’ll sometimes give you a fist bump as a greeting. You’re starting to wonder if he just sees you as another guy friend, and you really don’t want that.

Otherwise, everything is great between you two. The project went well and your professor commented on your chemistry when presenting together, saying that it would be nice if all of the teams worked together so well. Eric has started inviting you to hang out with his other friends who you’ve discovered are also really fun to be around. Everything is falling into place except your desire to be even physically and emotionally closer to him than you already are. But you’re a coward and you can’t tell him that. You don’t want to risk one of your best friendships. So you stay quiet and let things be.

The staying quiet part itself is easy enough but suppressing your feelings around Eric is not. Your urges to stare at him or giggle or grin like an idiot whenever he does something remotely cute or funny are overwhelming, so you wear a facade of ‘calm, cool, and collected’ as best you can. You think you’re succeeding, but you can’t be too sure, especially when Eric’s friends sometimes subtly nudge you, giving knowing smiles as if to tell you that they’ve caught onto your little secret. Now that you think of it, they definitely know. It’s not hard to tell when Eric asks you to come with him to a party they’ve all been invited to and Hyunjae looks at you with a gleam in his eye and suggests nonchalantly that it could be ‘a fun excuse to dress up, maybe try and catch someone’s eye,’ finally shutting up when Juyeon elbows him in the ribs and shoots him a pointed look. You’re slightly embarrassed that they’ve figured it out this fast but at the same time, you’re grateful that they haven’t seemed to have said anything to Eric yet.

Usually you’re not someone to go to parties. But for the sake of Eric, you agree quickly and begin to wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into.

~~~

As soon as you step into the party, you feel out of place. It’s uncomfortably loud, smells of smoke and booze, and whoever is DJ-ing is doing a very shitty job. Then again, most people here are probably too drunk to care anyway. If Eric hadn’t asked you to be here, you would’ve left already. A stranger comes up to you to offer a drink and gives you a rude side eye when you decline it and you know you’ve already lost popularity points that you didn’t have in the first place.

Your eyes scan the room for Eric, but it’s too crowded to tell if he’s even here. For all you know, he could be off wooing one of the many high heeled girls in their little black dresses and immaculate makeup, having completely forgotten about you. You don’t even remember the name of this other friend of his who’s having their birthday tonight. Maybe Eric just brought you along because he knew that you wouldn’t put up with his ex’s bullshit unlike the other ‘girls’ he could have asked. But what’s the point if he’s not even here? You text him again but get no response, he probably doesn’t notice the phone buzzing in his pocket anyway. You decide you’ll try one more time in a few minutes, but for now, all you can do is stare into space and wish you were somewhere else.

After a few minutes, you reach for your phone again, feeling ready to give up if you still don’t get a response but you’re interrupted by strong hands suddenly grabbing your arm. You startle, ready to punch someone if you have to, but upon seeing it’s only Eric, you let yourself relax.

“Hey, (Y/N)… you came!”, Eric says excitedly. He doesn’t seem super drunk yet but he’s certainly at least a bit tipsy.

“I did,” you sigh begrudgingly, fiddling with a loose thread on your pants.

“You look soooo cool, by the way,” he nods approvingly and even though you can tell he’s a bit more inebriated than you initially thought, for the first time tonight, you feel attractive, sexy even. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to wear ripped jeans and a suit vest as a top if Eric seems to like it. You mentally kick yourself for being so emotionally invested in a man’s opinion.

“Is there anything fun to do here that doesn’t involve drinking?” You ask, hoping that the response will be something other than no. However, you are not so fortunate.

“Not really,” Eric says, “unless you wanna dance?” His eyes light up mischievously but you shake your head at the suggestion. You do not want your chunky boots to make you look even taller than you already are in comparison to him. “Besides,” he adds, “I like having you here.” You aren’t sure whether to swoon or feel disappointed because that could mean plenty of things.

“Is it so I can tell your annoying ex to fuck off?” You inquire. He widens his eyes at your suggestion, looking almost offended you would assume such a thing.

“No, no, no… not at all! Well… maybe a little bit, but only a little bit. I invited you because I wanted to hang out,” he insists.

“There are better occasions for hanging out,” you grumble, but he doesn’t seem to hear.

“Let’s go sit!” Eric announces pulling you by your wrist to a couch near the edge of the room. Soon, you find yourself squeezed next to him on some piece of furniture that’s probably only meant for one person to comfortably stretch out on but not for two to sit next to each other. Eric goes on a tipsy ramble about something you don’t really understand but you nod along anyway. Your hands are resting on your lap and you wonder when he’ll realize that he’s mindlessly playing with your fingers. Not that you mind; it’s pretty cute, actually. This is nice, you think. You wouldn’t mind staying like this for the rest of the night, but the universe has other plans.

“You’re with her again? Don’t you know better?” Eric’s ever-lovely ex appears in front of you, wearing a scowl on her face. You’re not surprised that she’s talking about you as if you aren’t even there. Eric fixes her with a confused look.

“Why would I ‘know better’? As far as I’m concerned, being with them is better than dealing with your jealous ass.” Hearing this, Gina scoffs,

“You’re just doing this because you pity her and because you’re trying to piss me off by being with someone… who looks like that.” People are starting to watch the scene and you’re becoming self conscious.

“I think they look hot, so your opinion is irrelevant,” Eric snaps back at her. “Unlike what you seem to think, the reason I broke up with you wasn’t because I stopped finding you attractive, it’s because you act like this.” Eric pauses and you think he’s done with his rant until he suddenly adds, “also, you were shit in bed.” A scattering of whispers and murmurs goes through the group watching the confrontation and Gina looks like she’s going to cry. You immediately stand up and pull Eric with you,

“Alright, we’re gonna go now,” you announce, dragging him to the door with a cheeky smirk still plastered to his face. As much as you thought she deserved it, you figure she’s probably had enough humiliation for the night, so you wait outside the house with Eric and call a cab. Your head is spinning with thoughts and you have to know the details. You’re hot? His ex was bad in bed? But you don’t know where to start, so instead you just say, “you were pretty savage back there,” both surprise and admiration lacing your voice.

“I’m as savage as it gets,” Eric says proudly, barking and growling like a dog as he ends his statement. He grins at you and for some strange reason, you’re absolutely enamored with this weirdo.

“By the way, did you mean it?”, you ask. “Y’know, the thing you said?”

“Which one, the one where I said you looked hot or the one where I said she was bad at sex? Because both are technically true, in my opinion.” Eric shrugs and gives you a crooked, tipsy smile. Your heart is drumming. You know that his answer is going to either be the best news you’ve heard in years, or an absolute letdown.

“Can you clarify? Like, do you think I’m hot, or am I just hot in general?”

“Can’t it be both?” Eric looks at you quizzically.

“‘Cause, like, I have no doubt that you said that to annoy her which is totally valid to me, but I need to know if you just said it to annoy her or if you actually, personally, are attracted to me.”

“Look,” Eric says, “annoying her was not my plan when I said that, it just happened to be a nice bonus.” He giggles, swaying a bit and you wonder how much of this he’ll remember tomorrow. Eric purses his lips, “The thing I said about her being bad in bed, that one was to annoy her. It also happens to be true, but it was mostly for petty revenge.”

“Was she really that bad?”, you ask. Probably too personal of a question, but he brought it up, so you’re itching to know the story.

“Hmm, in a way, yeah. It was always very impersonal and she mostly just cared about herself. When I said I wanted her to be more attentive and caring towards me, she looked at me as if I was crazy. Like, can’t a guy just want some emotional intimacy?” He scoffs at the memory and you feel your heart squeeze. You think to yourself that you’ll store that information for later and then mentally scold yourself for being delusional.

“That’s stupid,” you finally reply. “She’s the weird one, not you.”

“Yeah! I know!”, Eric complains. Then he grabs your hand and leans into you. “See, this is why I like you. You get me.”

“Yeah?”, you murmur quietly, wrapped up in the moment.

“Yeah,” he repeats softly, and he looks at you so dreamily that it takes everything in you to not kiss him right then and there.

The arrival of the cab interrupts your moment and neither of you speak as the driver takes you to each of your respective destinations. When you finally get into your bedroom, you flop onto the bed without even getting undressed and scream into your pillow. You aren’t excited, you aren’t upset, you’re just… stuck. Overwhelmed by your feelings for a man you’re sure could never want you the way you want him. And it’s impossible to get rid of him now that he’s in more parts of your life than you can count. You couldn’t, anyway, no matter how much you wanted to. You know that even if you tried to cut him out, all it would take is a text from him and you’d come running without hesitation. Eric Sohn has you wrapped around his finger and he doesn’t even know it.

~~~

After meeting Eric the next day ‘to check on his hangover’ (aka gather info on how much he actually remembers from the previous night), you’ve discovered that he’s forgotten more than you expected him to. He remembers all of the events for the most part. Eric knows that he drank, talked with some friends, found you, got in an argument with his ex, and then was dragged out by you for saying something nasty. What he couldn’t recall is any of what he specifically said. Which left it up to you to decide how much to actually tell him.

It’s only fair that he knows, so you tell Eric everything. Well… everything except for your conversation outside. You aren’t sure why, but the idea of Eric finding out that he implied last night that he genuinely found you attractive and that he told you why he wasn’t satisfied with his ex in bed fills you with a sense of dread. Part of you is probably afraid that his explanation for the former has changed and as for the latter, you don’t want to embarrass him. At least that’s what you tell yourself because you don’t want to admit that you’re saving that information for the off chance you ever do get to sleep with him.

You fantasize that not only will you give him your body, but your heart, too, and that it will make him fall so deeply for you that none of those things you worry about will even matter. You’ll love him better than any of his exes did, so much that he won’t see anyone else but you. But those are dreams, not reality.

Straight men usually want girls who will complement their own sense masculinity, not challenge it. Straight men usually want girls. And unless you’ve misinterpreted something, he is one of the ‘straight men��� but you’ll never be one of the ‘girls’. And of course there are exceptions, it’s not like this is a rule, but how are you supposed to feel hopeful when you’ve never seen it happen in real life or even in fiction?

~~~

When Eric invites you to another party, this time at his apartment on a Friday night, you’re confused. After the events of last Friday, you’re wondering what made him think this was even remotely a good idea. But he promises it’ll be a small informal event and you’re weak when it comes to Eric, so of course you agree.

You decide to go a little more casual this time, just wearing your most comfortable jeans and a simple button up tee. Hopefully it won’t be too casual compared to everyone else there. When you get to his place, however, you don’t even see anyone whose outfit could be a potential gauge for the vibe of this party. It’s just you and Eric in the apartment. The lights are low and there’s music playing, so surely there has to be someone else here already, right?

“Am I early, or something?”, you ask as Eric lets you into his apartment.

“Nah,” he says, walking around aimlessly.

“Then why am I the only one here?”

“Uh… you’re kinda, like, the only person I invited,” he admits with a playful grin. You look at him incredulously and lightly slug him in the shoulder.

“What the fuck, man? You had me anxious for nothing!” You laugh in relief. “I was psyching myself up to get ready to endure several hours of being social, and now you’re telling me it was all for nothing?” Eric frowns facetiously.

“What do you expect me to do about it?”, he asks. You just snicker in response. Eric has you sit down at his small dining table while he gets you a drink and you watch his broad back as he opens the fridge and asks you what you want. You know you’re distracted by him, but you can’t help it. It’s even worse tonight because he obviously put some effort into his appearance and you think it certainly paid off. When he turns back around, you give him an awkward smile, hoping he couldn’t tell you’d literally been staring at his physique only moments ago.

Eric raises his eyebrows at you but doesn’t say anything and hands you your drink.

“So aside from, uhhh, chatting,” you say, gesturing around, “what’s the plan?”

“We’re gonna make up for what we didn’t do last time we were at a party,” he explains. “We’re going to dance.”

Dance? You’re confused. Eric had told you he didn’t remember much of what he said that night. You yourself had almost forgotten he asked you to dance because compared to everything else that had happened, it was barely even notable. Eric then suddenly speaks up.

“I was kinda disappointed when you said 'no' that time. You can totally, like, say no again, but I wanted to make another chance. Is that weird?”

Oh my god. Is he flirting with you right now? You really can’t tell. And the idea of dancing seems even worse this time since it’s just him. It’s not like you’ll have a crowd of people to blend in with that likely would include some even worse dancers than you. But Eric can see the apprehension in your face.

“C’monnnnnn! It’ll be fun.”

He taps something on his phone and the volume of the music increases and the song switches to something more upbeat. Before you can protest, he makes his way to you and grabs onto your wrists, pulling you out of your chair to lead you to a more open area. Eric doesn’t let go, moving your arms to the beat with him. You laugh and let him but you still don’t do any moving of your own. When you still don’t join him, Eric gazes up at you and pouts, giving you the biggest, most pathetic puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen in your life. “Please…?”, he whines, effortlessly making your resolve crumble.

“You know what? Ok, fine, whatever, you win,” you concede with a defeated smile. God only knows the things you would do for this man.

“Hell yeah!” he celebrates with a fist pump.

And so, you dance. You don’t really know what you’re doing. In fact, you’re trying not to even really think about it, and just focus on moving around to the beat of the music. Before you know it, you’re both laughing and messing around, Eric shrieking when you decide to chase him with a small throw pillow you grabbed from his couch.

“Die!”, you yell dramatically as you chuck the pillow at Eric who goes down with a long ‘nooooo!’ as he tries to dodge and fails. When he realizes that you’re out of ammo, an evil grin spreads on his face as he decides to turn the tables and begins chasing you instead. You giggle as Eric runs after you, almost tripping over your own feet. Eventually, you’re cornered and you can see the wheels turning in his head as he decides what sort of silly revenge he should take. But he doesn’t even get the chance to make a decision when a new song begins, slow and sensual, changing the atmosphere entirely.

Your breath falters and the look in Eric’s eyes has gone from mischievous to almost… vulnerable? You’re now very aware of the way he has you trapped in the corner of his living room, and he seems to be, too. And yet… neither of you attempt to move. Eric’s eyes are full of both hope and worry and he opens his mouth and in a tone that is more nervous than you have ever heard him speak in, he asks,

“Do you want to dance? For real this time?”

~~~

Unspilled tears line your eyes. You’re finally this close to what you want and now that it’s right in front of you, you’re panicking. Suddenly your emotions have overwhelmed you and you’re terrified. You aren’t even being rejected, it’s the exact opposite. Nothing Eric has done tonight has suggested anything other than that he wants you and yet you’re scared. Scared you’re reading it wrong, afraid that you’ve missed the signal that indicates that this is all just a big joke.

Eric has his arms around your waist and forehead against your neck as he slow dances with you. He can’t see the anxiety on your face and he doesn’t know you’re freaking out. You do everything in your power to keep your breaths steady and even, but you can’t and you watch in slow motion as Eric’s face falls when he looks up and witnesses your expression.

He immediately cups your face with one of his palms. “Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me… please,” Eric pleads. You sniffle but can’t stop yourself from leaning into his touch.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, blinking back your tears. Eric’s face is a mixture of concern and confusion.

“No,” he insists. “Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. I don’t know why you’re upset, but I promise, I’m not gonna get mad at you.”

“I’m just scared…” you choke out, “that none of this is real. That I’m misinterpreting everything. That… whatever it is you’re doing right now… doesn’t really mean anything to you and I missed the memo. I shouldn’t assume that I’m being tricked based on a few things that happened to me in the past but…” Tears are rolling down your face now and you’re barely holding together what little composure you have left. Eric wipes some of your tears away with his thumb and returns his hand towards your waist.

“Fuck,” he mutters, but there’s no anger in his tone. “I was trying to seduce you tonight, I never meant to bring up those feelings.” Your breath hitches and you’re so stunned you immediately stop crying. You stand there blinking at him, utterly bewildered. Eric chuckles awkwardly. “Why do you think I did my hair and dressed up tonight? I wanted to look good,” he smiles softly, “…for you.”

“Wh- why for me?” You stutter, unable to fully process the situation.

“Because I like you,” Eric replies, “Even if you’re a bit dense sometimes.”

Words fail you completely. The way he smiles at you, it’s like he has the stars in his eyes and you’re drowning in them, hoping you never have to surface. “You like me? Even though I’m…” You don’t have it in you to finish your sentence.

“I like you because you’re…” Eric says, imitating the way you left off the last few words. “I think you’re beautiful, you know,” he says running his hand through your hair. You want to trust him so badly but part of you still has a hard time believing it.

“So… you don’t care that I don’t look like a ‘girl’.”

“I don’t,” Eric confirms. “I think you’re attractive even when other people mistake you for a guy.”

You aren’t crying anymore, but you’re still overwhelmed and your breath shakes as you exhale. Before you even realize it, your hands are moving from Eric’s shoulders to wrap around the back of his neck, playing with the hair at his nape. You hear Eric sigh softly as he tilts his face up towards yours until your lips are mere inches apart. It’s as if you’re being pulled together by magnets the way you angle your face down ever so slightly towards his and he raises his heels off the ground to reach you. The feeling when Eric’s lips finally meet yours is euphoric. You don’t care that it’s awkward the way your noses or teeth sometimes clash because you have no idea what you’re doing right now. You’re just happy to finally be this close to him even though you’ve just made your lack of experience incredibly obvious.

Eric doesn’t seem to care too much either, the way his hands explore your face, back, and waist as if he’ll never be able to get enough of you. All it took was one taste and you know you’re already addicted to having his hands on your body and his lips against yours. Right as you’re thinking that you hope this will never end, Eric pulls away, leaving you feeling disoriented. “Fuck,” he gasps, gripping your waist. The two of you are panting, but with the way he stopped so abruptly, you feel like you’ve been deprived of oxygen, not afforded more of it.

You try to kiss Eric again but your heart sinks a bit when he stops you. “Wait,” he says breathlessly, “I want to take things slow with you. You deserve to have someone properly take their time with you and put you first. I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything just because I’m a bit impatient.” Your cheeks feel hot.

“What if… you aren’t the only one who’s impatient?”, you suggest shyly. You feel Eric’s fingers dig into your sides and he moans slightly.

“Don’t- don’t tempt me like that,” he says shakily, clearly struggling to hold himself together. You’re struck with a sudden sense of boldness.

“I want you, Eric.��� As soon as his name leaves your mouth, his lips are on yours again and then he’s spreading small kisses all over your face which quickly becomes wet, open mouthed kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You thread your fingers in his hair when he begins to drag his tongue up the skin of your throat. Eric moans against your skin when he hears you sighing his name.

His hands sneak under your shirt to caress the skin of your waist and the sensation of finally having his hands directly on you is so satisfying that you almost don’t start wondering if he can feel the obvious fuzz on your lower back underneath his finger tips. You choose to ignore that thought for now, instead focusing on the way Eric’s mouth is exploring every inch of skin he can access while you still have your shirt on. You’re self conscious still, but you undo the first few buttons of your shirt to let Eric roam further with his lips. He pulls you backwards into to his bedroom, lips never leaving your skin, until he falls back onto his bed, pulling you down with him. You let him roll you over onto your back so that now he’s on top and you’re underneath him.

“Fuck, I want to touch you,” Eric rasps, looking at you with sparkling eyes. You’re about to immediately say yes, then something stops you.

“I… have body hair…” you admit awkwardly. It’s a bit of an understatement, but you’re not sure what else to say. Saying, ‘I was called an animal by the other girls in the middle school locker room,’ would probably not help the mood.

“There’s nothing wrong with a little body hair,” Eric says reassuringly, but the gesture doesn’t help.

“That’s the problem,” you mumble. “It’s not just a little, it’s a lot.”

“Baby, it’s not gonna make me want you any less,” Eric says, leaning up to kiss your cheek. You sigh.

“Promise?”

“Promise. I still really wanna use my fingers on you or go down on you, if you’ll let me.” A shiver runs down your spine.

“Okay,” you acquiesce quietly. Eric runs his hands up and down your sides underneath your top and you allow him to unbutton it the rest of the way, letting it fall off your shoulders. He presses kisses over your sternum, smoothing his hands over your bra and trailing his lips along the path of hair running down your abdomen.

“You’re beautiful,” Eric whispers, his voice brimming with affection. He stops right above the waist of your pants and looks into your eyes, silently requesting to take them off. You nod shyly, and agonizingly slowly, he begins to unbutton them and pull down the zipper. As your pants are pulled down your legs, you become nervous again. You’re wearing underwear, of course, but they do little to hide the amount of hair you have.

“Can I touch you?”, Eric requests softly. You swallow your anxieties and say yes, trying to hide how worried you feel. You yelp in surprise as he pinches your outer thigh gently to get your attention. “Baby, I promise I want you,” he reassures, his calm eyes gazing into your apprehensive ones. “Give me your hand.” He rests his chin on your pubic bone and looks up at you. Eric may have a bit of a smirk on his face, but his eyes are full of sincerity. You allow him to reach up and lace his fingers with yours, giving your hand a small squeeze. “There you go, you’re so good for me,” he praises fondly, delicately trailing the fingers of his free hand over the damp patch that has formed in your underwear.

Eric presses a kiss over the fabric before he asks if he can take them off. Once you give him permission, he pulls them down your legs, tossing them aside, then instructs you to open your legs a bit and put them over his shoulders. You comply. This whole time, Eric still hasn’t let go of your hand. Your bottom half is completely bare now and one of the most handsome men you’ve ever seen, one you’re head over heels for, has his face between your thighs.

Your insecurity doesn’t even get the chance to fully resurface because with every kiss he presses to your inner thighs, Eric gives you a compliment. The closer he gets to your core, the more he reminds you how much he wants you, needs you, thinks you’re beautiful. Eventually, he reaches his destination and uses his fingers to spread your folds to get an unobstructed view. You don’t even realize how wet you are right now until you feel Eric’s fingers dip shallowly into your entrance and then rub your slick all over your clit. A small whimper slips out at the unexpected sensation. You didn’t realize how different it would feel to be touched by someone else for once.

You’re even more surprised when he attaches his mouth and begins to alternate between sucking and little flicks with the tip of his tongue. You gasp and grip his hand tighter, your other hand shooting down to grab at Eric’s hair. It’s not until he starts moaning that you realize he’s begun to grind his hips into the mattress as he eats you out. The sight alone is almost enough to make you cum. You can barely believe that not only do you have a gorgeous man burying his face in your pussy, but he’s getting off on it too. Eric suddenly moans extra loudly and the combination of hearing such a dirty sound come from his mouth and feeling his voice’s vibrations in your clit finally pushes you over the edge.

Choking out a high pitched moan, your body trembles and your hips spasm and you don’t think you’ve ever orgasmed harder than this in your life. You’re gasping and panting as you come down and you let your body go slack. “Oh my god,” you say with a bit of a laugh, your chest still heaving. Eric has a self-satisfied look on his face and normally you might find that annoying, but after the way he made you cum just now, you think it’s absolutely warranted.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and moves up the bed to cage you between his arms and give you a peck on the corner of your mouth. “Good?” Eric asks, still smirking a bit.

“I feel kinda like I’m floating,” you sigh with a blissful smile.

“Do you wanna keep going or are you done for the night?”, Eric inquires.

“I can keep going,” you insist, “just let me catch my breath first. Besides, it would feel awfully unfair if you got to see me naked tonight but I only got to see you fully dressed.”

“You’re still wearing a bra,” Eric points out cheekily. You roll your eyes good-naturedly.

“That’s not the point.”

“I know, I know, I’m messing with you,” he jokes, rolling off of you to sit up next to your reclining figure. “But I still would like to see you with your bra off,” Eric says cheekily.

“I suppose that could be arranged,” you say with a sly smile as you sit up. Reaching behind your back, you unhook it and let the garment slide down your shoulders. Eric looks intently at your breasts as you toss your bra on the floor.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he mutters under his breath, continuing to stare. Based on his facial expression you don’t think he’s even aware that he said anything. Eric reaches out a hand and stops only inches away from your chest before he asks, “can I?”

“As much as you like, Eric,” you confirm, obsessed with the way his mind seems to be almost crumbling just from looking at your tits. He finally closes the distance with his hand, grabbing and gently massaging the flesh and his mouth finds your nipple on the other side, running his flattened tongue over it then taking it into his mouth, beginning to suck.

Originally, you just agreed to let him do this for his own enjoyment. You didn’t expect to get so much more out of someone else touching your breasts than you did when it was just yourself. You’re unable to hold back a pleasured sigh due to how enthusiastic Eric is with his mouth and hands. He pulls his lips off of you with a slight ‘pop’ and before you can even register what’s happening, he’s biting down on the inside of your breast causing you to yelp in surprise.

Immediately, Eric apologizes, but there’s little remorse in his voice as he proudly watches the red mark bloom on your skin. He dives back in to kiss and lick the newly formed bruise. He goes up to kiss your mouth and he’s grinning widely, incredibly pleased with himself.

“Happy with your results?”, you ask, quirking an eyebrow.

“Extremely,” Eric says chuckling. You flick his forehead lightly.

“There’s something you need to fix, though,” you tell him.

“Fix?”

“Yeah. This whole situation still feels awfully unfair,” you complain jokingly. You almost can see the gears turning in his head and then a lightbulb turning on.

“Oh you mean this?” Eric raises his eyebrows with a smirk then gets off the bed to stand in front of it so you can watch him as he takes his shirt off.

“What a smart boy,” you praise sarcastically, watching him hungrily as he begins to remove his pants too. But when he’s finally down to just his underwear, your jaw drops a little bit. You hadn’t paid attention earlier but now that you’re looking, it’s impossible to deny that Eric is big. And this is only from what you can see while he’s still got a layer on. His smile is wolfish as he notices you staring.

“Got anything to say?”, Eric teases, crawling back on top of you and dragging his teeth down your neck with a chuckle. You just moan in response as he sucks another harsh mark onto your skin, this one directly at the base of your neck.

“No fair,” you whine, squirming underneath him. He bites you a couple more times, then you grab his chin. “Can’t I have a turn?” Eric simply hums in agreement then rolls onto his back and pulls you on top of him so that you’re straddling his hips. When you put your weight down, you can feel how hard he is within his underwear and you briefly wonder what it will be like once he’s inside you. Having him underneath you lights an unexpected fire in your belly and you’re suddenly consumed by the need to own him, have him as yours.

Which is exactly what you plan to do… as soon as you confirm one thing. “Eric,” you murmur, pecking him softly on the lips, “this isn’t just sex, right?” Eric smiles fondly at you.

“God, no. I want to be with you. Unless… that’s not what you want?” He looks at you hopefully.

“I want the same thing,” you agree and with a sudden rush of boldness, you lean down and mumble against his neck, “I needed to be sure that you were mine.” When you hear a shuddering breath escape Eric and feel his dick twitch in response, you know that you’ve had quite an effect on him. You roughly drag your front teeth down the side of his throat, pondering how to go about marking him. “Can I put marks where people can see? You’ll let me claim you, yeah?”, you beg softly, placing gentle kisses along his collarbone.

“Fuck… I didn’t realize you’d have a possessive streak,” Eric groans. “That’s really sexy.” He suddenly lets out a gasp of pain when you bite down. You move your lips to his jawline, right beneath his ear and pull a bit of skin between your teeth and start sucking hard. When you pull away and see the mark darkening on his skin, you feel yourself swell a little with pride at your success. You repeat this along his jaw and down his neck until Eric has a noticeable path of bruises reaching his shoulder.

With your full weight, you settle your hips back down on his, rubbing yourself along his clothed cock and relishing the way you can feel your arousal soaking through his underwear. Eric moans loudly but then grabs your hips to still your movements and sits up against the headboard. He emits a whine as you reposition yourself in his lap and run your hands over his chest.

“Can I fuck you now?” Eric’s eyes are desperate and ravenous. Nobody has ever looked at you like that before and it makes your insides burn with desire.

“…Yeah,” you choke out. You get off of him so he can finally uncover himself completely and you don’t expect your breath to hitch the way it does when erection springs free from its confines. “Holy shit,” you mumble, staring. How does it seem even larger up close? Is it even going to fit?

Without even really thinking about it, your hand reaches out hesitantly to touch him and you gasp in surprise when Eric takes your wrist and guides you the rest of the way. Experimentally, you pump him a few times before letting go to return to your original position in his lap.

It’s finally about to happen and you suddenly feel shy again, causing you to bite your lower lip and look into his eyes for reassurance. “We don’t have to go through with this if you aren’t comfortable,” Eric reminds you, but you shake your head.

“Please,” you beg.

“Anything for you,” Eric says, placing a quick kiss to your lips and then positions his cock right at your entrance as you kneel, hips hovering above his. You slowly sink down on him, barely enveloping him past the tip. It hurts more than you expected, but it almost feels good too, and you can’t help but let out a string of curses and broken moans as you try to adjust to the unfamiliar sensation. Pushing past the burn, you lower yourself down more, Eric praising you, running his hands soothingly over your thighs.

You’re panting as you dig your fingernails into his shoulders and if you didn’t pause to look at his face, you would have missed the way Eric is gazing at you as if you hold the whole universe in your hands. Neither of you has said those words yet, but right now, you can’t deny that you feel deeply and utterly loved. Loved by this person who chose to see you instead of just looking at you. You don’t want to say anything for fear of ruining this moment by taking things too fast, so you cup his cheek with one palm and hope that the gesture is enough for him to understand your heart. And when Eric flutters his eyes closed and leans into your touch, you get the feeling that he does.

It takes one more final push before you can feel him bottoming out inside you. You let your head fall back as you gasp for breath. “Please move,” you whimper. “I don’t think I can do it myself.” Eric pulls you towards him to press your torso against his, which lifts your hips slightly in the process. He uses the new angle to slowly pull himself out a bit then plants his feet to thrust back in from underneath you causing you to yelp and whimper. His movements are slow but strong, and the friction you feel inside makes your legs tremble. And much to your satisfaction, Eric isn’t remotely hesitant to be vocal, his extended moans, deep breathing, and occasional whines turning you on more than you’d like to admit. You feel like your whole body is burning from the inside out and you’re crying out his name like it’s the only word you know.

Gradually, Eric increases his pace and pretty soon, both of you have become an absolute mess — sweaty and covered in new bite marks, moaning each other’s names during the occasional moments when you aren’t kissing feverishly. You’re sure that at this point, you’re disturbing the neighbors, but you can’t bring yourself to care, not with the way you’re intoxicated from all of your senses being flooded with nothing but him. Eric is still fucking you hard, doing all the work from underneath and you wonder how he has the stamina to keep going like this. Deep inside, you can feel a familiar pressure building up again. Your orgasm begins to approach and from the way his thrusts become frantic and start to lose their rhythm, you know Eric is getting close too.

“Please, please, please…” you chant breathlessly as your walls begin to clench and spasm around him.

“Cum for me, please,” Eric begs you in return and then starts rambling fervently. “Just let go, please, you’re so good for me, please… I love you…”

And then you cum. Your orgasm crashes over you more intensely than you’ve ever experienced before and as you cry out and tremble in his arms, Eric’s words play over and over in your head. I love you. I love you. I love you. You don’t have the mental space right now to wonder if he even meant it or if it was something he just said in the spur of the moment. To you it felt real.

With a low groan, you feel Eric spill inside you, his hips stuttering until they still as he rides out his own orgasm. When you feel a hot tear drip down your face, you finally realize that you’re crying. You aren’t sure why at first — you aren’t upset, you aren’t in pain, everything seems to be fine. But when you look at Eric and he sees your glassy eyes and he starts to apologize, asking if he used the word ‘love’ too soon, suddenly it makes sense. You’re just emotionally sensitive right now and with a sniffle and your arms wrapped around his neck, you whisper, “I love you too.”

Eric kisses away your tears and smooths over your hair with his hand. His length slips out of you and you can feel sticky cum drip down your inner thighs as he flips you over and gently lays you on your back. He wastes no time in cleaning you up and soon enough he’s pulling a blanket over you and crawling into bed next to your still panting figure. Eric wraps you in his arms, pressing a sweet peck to your cheek. “Let’s just get to sleep, yeah?” He says and you allow yourself to doze off, safe and warm within his embrace.

~~~

When Monday rolls around, you don’t know how to feel about going to school with a few too many hickies to realistically cover up. You’re proud of who you got them from, but at the same time, you’re a bit mortified. People have been giving you weird glances since you arrived this morning and you know it’s because your neck is covered in bite marks and bruises. As you walk into the classroom, you see one or two people whispering and while you doubt they’re saying anything mean, it’s still embarrassing knowing that they can’t help but to mention to their friends how obvious it is.

Not long after you sit down, you hear a familiar voice cheerfully announce “Hey, babe!” You turn to smile at Eric who’s making his way towards you, giving you a quick kiss on the lips before he settles in the chair next to you. Both the simultaneous feelings of pride and humiliation return when it occurs to you that his neck looks just as bad as yours and now everyone can tell that you got those marks from each other. Regardless, you can’t suppress the smile that surfaces at the sight of your new boyfriend sitting next to you.

When class ends and you’ve both packed up your belongings, Eric grabs your hand and walks with you out of the room, swinging your intertwined hands as you go. You giggle at his affectionate gesture. “Any plans for the day?”, Eric asks as you walk leisurely through one of the campus’ green spaces.

“Hm,” you consider. “Not really. I was just considering grabbing some snacks and sneaking them into the library so I can eat while I study. Wanna come with?” Eric nods and soon enough you find yourself sharing a sofa in a more secluded study area, discretely feeding each other chocolate covered pretzels and trying not to laugh too hard at stupid videos you’re watching on his phone, the original plan to study completely forgotten.

You’re so content right now that nothing could spoil this moment for you. Not even when Gina (who usually makes your blood boil) accidentally happens upon the scene while Eric is pressing a long kiss to your neck, not even aware she’s there. You smile a little and wave and you can tell she’s noticed the marks decorating both your and Eric’s necks when she subconsciously touches her own, facial expression brimming with disgust. As you let out a brief chuckle, Eric detaches his lips from your skin and looks at you questioningly. He raises his eyebrows but you just shake your head. “Nothing important,” you say and run your hand through his hair. Eric shrugs.

“Okay.” Then he leans his head against your shoulder as you both absentmindedly fidget with each other’s hands, just enjoying the peaceful moment together.

“Eric?”, you ask, getting his attention.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

That’s all you say. You give no context, no explanation, but that’s okay because when you look into his eyes, you see that he knows exactly what you mean.

——end——

Holy shit I’ve never written something so long before or even thought about writing something this long. I think I might be insane. But that’s okay. It resulted in this fic and I’m happy with it.

[pigeonpeach]

Damsel in the Winery

Diluc x fmab reader

Part 1 for now

Warnings: slow burn except i am impatient so its more like mediocre burn, reader is traumatized but so is diluc, theyll get together eventually or something

A/n: i managed to finish this in time for diluc’s birthday so yipee! Let me know if there’s weird formatting because it is copy pasted from my google doc. Also this will be multiple parts if i get the motivation to even finish it!

As a maid, it might be unprofessional to be so affectionate to your boss, but you couldn’t help it. You had been a prisoner held by skirmishers when he came in his blazing glory to your rescue. Your encounter with the Dark Knight however didn’t end, you could never return home due to being on the Fatui’s watchlist for an unpaid debt your father passed down to you. Out of the kindness of his heart, he offered you a job at the winery, under his protection, you would be able to work while under his protection, to say you were thankful was an understatement.

So now that his birthday was coming up, you wanted to thank him. Diluc meant a lot to you, platonically of course. Even though Diluc is the very embodiment of masculine beauty, a gentleman, and a savior: you still refuse to let any buds of romance form between you two. You are his maid after all, even if your meeting was anything but professional, you still try to live up to that title to your best.

“Miss Adelinde?” You asked nervously “What does Master Diluc usually like for his birthday.” She seemed hesitant, from her expression, it seemed like a sensitive topic.

“Oh well, Master Diluc doesn’t value material or expensive things that much. He prefers a gift from the heart mostly. But he never does get rid of a gift he receives from someone he cares about.” She answered all while pondering herself. “Although he specified to me that we shouldn’t do anything too much for his birthday this year.” You felt worried about that.

“Does.. He not like his birthday?” you asked cautiously. She nodded.

“It is a sore topic for him. Maybe he’d tell you someday but I’d not pry if I were you. He lost someone very close to him on that day as well. This year is the first time that the day and date align perfectly with that incident.” You knew Adelinde to be well-meaning, so you trusted her and decided you wouldn’t pry further. You of all people know what it's like to lose someone.

“Thank you regardless. Do you have any gift recommendations?” You inquired.

“Hmm… I’ll get you a list.”

The nights were the hardest parts of your job. As a full-time maid, you worked 24/7 at your insistence. You didn’t exactly have any other life worth going back to now. Your name on a list, your family in the grave, your friends all scattered about the nations, any resemblance of a life worth living was truly here, in the winery you sought refuge in. It wasn’t horrible though, cleaning was quite relaxing for you, and the staff and your coworkers had gotten along nicely. But Nights were a little more difficult, that was when Master Diluc would dawn his cape and set out that night to rid the encampments of fatui and hilichurls alike. Sometimes he’d have intel on your situation. Sometimes it’d be bad or good. Tonight you didn’t need the news at all when you saw his blood-soaked clothes.

“Master Diluc!” You said worried. His mask hides his expression as he lets you take his coat.

“It's not my blood.” He answered quickly. You took a while to understand before feeling a little unnerved.

“Shouldn’t I still check for any injuries? Miss Adelinde said I shouldn’t let you off so easily.” You placed the coat in a bucket of water as she advised, blood is easier to wash out when you soak the clothes in water while it's fresh.

“It won’t be necessary.”

You helped him to his room, taking his blood-soaked clothes to the basement, leaving it to absorb the water so it’d be easier to clean, but for now, you were still sure he had to have some injuries. You went back upstairs to stand in the doorway, he had a new set of pants on at least as you tried to look for any blood coming from him.

“Master Diluc.. You’re sure you aren’t hurt?” You asked anxiously. He turned to you, the candles in this room only made him look all the more handsome.

“I’m just a little sore is all. Just prepare some of Adelindes special melatonin teas and you can go to your quarters for the night.” He said. But you felt unsatisfied. It wasn’t like you liked working, but you liked helping people, especially the person who saved you in more ways than one.

“If you wish.”

You fret over everything, a trait that is both a positive and a con. You notice flaws and mistakes easily but you also spend a lot of time in doubt and anxiety. You knew Adelinde, and Elzer’s drink of choice by heart now. Adelinde in particular preferred a simple coffee and milk combo with cream on the top for extra sweetness for her day, ezler liked a simple espresso with a small amount throughout the day, and Diluc rarely ever had caffeine, often just letting Adelinde pick his drink. You had worked as a barista once so you were familiar with the preparations. Today you adorned Adelinde’s drink with cat-shaped biscuits, you wanted to use some of the cookie cutters she’d just recently purchased and they came out wonderfully. You approached her with the tray with a polite smile on your face.

“Very good, now could you take it up to Master Diluc?” She said. You felt your heart dropped. Had you known it was for him you wouldn’t have made it so… silly looking.

“Uh.. shouldn’t I change it first? I could make a new batch or something.” You said nervously. Adelinde shook her head.

“It's best not to keep him waiting, besides he won’t mind.” She smiled as she noticed the cat-theming in the latte art and the biscuits. You sighed as you walked up the stairs.

Diluc stared at the tray for a moment, his normal face faltering slightly.

“Is it not to your standards? I could change it if you like.” You offered, the thought of disappointing him seemed more crushing than it should’ve. Your anxiety didn’t falter when he looked up at you.

“It's… where did you get the cutters for the biscuits?” he asked.

“O,h Adelinde found them… She said they were nostalgic or something…Do you not like them?” You asked timidly. He shook his head.

“They look wonderful, thank you. You are dismissed.” He said, taking one into his mouth. As you turned to leave, you briefly saw a smile on his face.

“Diluc and Kaeya used to love these cookie cutters. This one was Kaeya’s favorite when he was little.” Adelinde reminisced. You noticed it was the very cat cutter you used. “Diluc’s was this owl, but it's a dove, He didn’t know his birds that well back then.” You smiled at the thought of seeing a little Diluc call every bird he saw an owl.

“That's quite cute actually. I used to just call birds, feathery bastards. My dad always said that when he’d chase the crows off our crops so I picked it up from him.” You said. Adelinde chuckled.

“Yes, the birds here can be quite the pests at times. Diluc decided to set up a bird feeder nearby so they’d be attracted to the seeds more than the grapes, so far it has worked. But they love the rotten fruits. It makes them a little tipsy.” Adelinde added. You snickered at the imagery.

“Even the birds are alcoholics in Mondstadt I suppose, no wonder the winery business is so successful.” You joked, she laughed at that.

Today was one of the few days you got to go outside. You had accompanied Adelinde to the city during a period in which most of the Fatui would be outside the city. As comforting and homely as Dawn Winery had become, you were glad for the change in scenery. The city was beautiful, with flowers blooming, and birds chirping. People seemed so friendly here.

“Now, we’ll need to get some fresh boars from the Hunters here, Master Diluc is quite the carnivore.” She said. You nodded, already carrying baskets full of all sorts of stuff. She noticed your struggle as she hummed. “I knew we should’ve brought that wagon. We still have ways to go before we’re done.” You dawned a brave smile as if to reassure her you could take it. It wasn’t like the items were heavy, just that combined they were starting to take a toll on your arms. “Ah, there it is,” Adelinde spoke as you followed her, your heart fell when you saw the size of the boars the stand offered. Packed in salt and what you figured was ice, the boars the hunters were proudly selling were the size of a toddler and certainly weighed more than one. They were big, and even with your hands empty, you doubted you could carry them. You couldn’t let Adelinde do so either, it would be wrong to let her.

“Is… there not smaller ones?” You asked nervously. Adelinde shook her head.

“It’s easier to preserve one big boar than a bunch of little ones. Although your hands are getting full..” You shook your head, not wanting to admit defeat so easily. “Sweetheart, I appreciate your dedication but I can tell you’re getting overwhelmed, let me take some of the bags won’t you?”

“I-it fine Miss Adelinde!” You proclaimed bravely.

“There's no shame in admitting defeat, I’ll ask one of the boys to help us take the boar home. I’m sure they won’t mind if it means a little payment.” Adelinde took a basket from you as you sighed.

“I didn’t expect to see you out today.” A familiar voice spoke from behind making you jolt in shock. You sighed in relief as you realized it was just Diluc.

“Ah Master Diluc, your timing is perfect, would mind helping the new maid with our groceries? I couldn’t find the wagon today so the poor thing has been carrying everything since we arrived.” Adelinde asked.

“It shouldn’t be a problem. I just finished my work at the bar, I was heading home actually.” He said with a polite smile. You were a little relieved but also embarrassed.

“Oh uh. These ones are the heaviest... I can carry the rest..” You handed him the heavier ones. He took them without complaint, although his gloved hands briefly touched yours making you a little flushed.

“I’ll take two of the biggest you offer.” Adelinde stepped to the front.

“The usual right? We saved our two biggest boars just for you as requested.” The hunter smiled proudly as Adelinde nodded, you were appalled by the size of those boars, both animals were bigger than a dog!

“I’ll carry them don’t worry,” Diluc said to you. You were still not at ease.

“You’re... Sure you can handle the... By yourself?” You asked amazed at his confidence. He chuckled.

“I assure you I am more than capable of such.” Your worries faded however when you saw his eyes, Diluc was a stern and stoic man, you had never seen him so relaxed and… soft... His eyes held a fondness that made you melt internally... The way he looked at you at that moment could be enough to make you fall head over heels for him right there.

True to his word, he carried the boars home effortlessly, The entire time you stuck to his side making sure he was okay.

“Thank you for your help back there.” You said to him. “I-I’m sorry I couldn’t carry them myself..”

“There’s no need for an apology. You are as much of a guest as an employee. You don’t always have to push yourself so far. Although you have been doing a wonderful job so far.” He said. He must be in a good mood, you rarely ever see him like that.

“I just want to repay you is all… I don’t think there will ever be a day I’ll feel like I’ve repaid my debt to you.”

“I assure you, you don’t owe me anything. I saved you out of the kindness of my heart, not for some payment.”

“Well, I mean beyond that.” You felt a little more bold by his tone. “You’ve done more than just save me. You’ve given me a new life, a home, and a purpose. I.. I will always be eternally grateful for that.” You smiled while looking at him directly. You noticed him grow more stiff as he averted his gaze. Had.. you said something wrong?

“I’m glad you feel that way. Just don’t overwork yourself for my sake.” He cleared his throat. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be in my office, I forgot I have more papers to fill out.” He seemed to exit so hastily, you couldn’t help but feel worried. Had you made him uncomfortable? Should you apologize? Should you give him space?

You had gone shopping alone this time. You had gone with Conner as he went to the city, he was doing some business thing with Cat’s Tail so you parted ways. You couldn’t help but enjoy the breeze as you explored the stands.

“Excuse me miss?” A little girl said. You looked down and saw a little girl with a flower booth. “Please be careful of the table, I don’t want any of the flowers to be knocked off.”

“Oh I’m sorry-” You backed away instinctively, unknowingly bumping into someone. “Oh my apologies sir I didn’t…look. Where… I was. Going…” Your heart dropped as you came face to face with a Fatui agent.

“It’d be good for you to practice having a basic understanding of your surroundings.” He had an annoyed tone to his voice as he marched off. Meanwhile, you stood frozen, if you fled, you would only look more suspicious, but if you stuck around he might realize who you are. Your heart raced as you quickly tried to hide behind a large group, peeking your head to see if you changed his mind or something. Things had been so comfortable that you had forgotten what it had been like to be imprisoned. You didn’t want to go back. No, you couldn’t.

“Miss? Miss?” The child had followed you from your booth. “Are you okay? Did that man do something to you?” Great, even a child could spot your fear, no doubt could anyone else.

“N-no I’m fine.. I’m just.. Overwhelmed. I.. need to get back..” Your voice grew more and more shaky. You trembled and shook as you looked frantically around. The realization you would only be drawing more attention to yourself made you freak out even more. “I-.. I.. I’m just… Wh-where’s Cat’s Tail? M- My friend is there right now. I-i need to find him..” You said.

“Oh, it's just around the corner. Do you want me to walk with you?” She asked.

“Oh no I don’t want you to risk your stall. I can do so myself.” You lied.

“It's really close to my booth actually, just follow me.”

You had successfully made it to Cat’s Tail. Conner was nowhere in sight as you tried to find a spot to be alone in. The atmosphere was cheery at least. You quickly found a seat in the corner and sat in it. Just trying to regain your breath. You tried to calm yourself down, but panicking would only make yourself more suspicious and noticeable. A gentle meow interrupted your thoughts. An orange tabby stood at your feet, looking at you expectantly. You relaxed a little as it crawled into your lap, brushing its face against your own. You smiled as you began to pet it. Its soft fur relaxes you.

“Did.. something happen today?” Adelinde asked as you entered the manor. Connor himself had been concerned when you asked to leave sooner. But you had been shut about what happened. You just wanted to hole yourself in the guest bedroom and never surface again.

“I… just want... To be alone for a moment..” You said rushing past her and to your room. Your pulse was only heightened with every quick step up the stairs. Your mind only returned to you when the slam of your door echoed, you back against it, and you locked it quickly as you ducked under the bed. Logic and reasoning had been lost, you felt nothing but fear. The images of that cage, the threatening voices of the skirmishers, how they’d hold their weapons to your head and joke around… You couldn’t go back. No, you couldn’t stand the thought.

A knock sounded at your door. “I know you’re upset but If you want to talk I’m more than willing to listen.” You heard Adelinde say. You tried to speak but your throat ached, you hadn’t even realized you were crying until now.

“M’ fine…” You managed to choke out. You didn’t know if she could hear it. The only sound now aside from your sobs was her hurried steps as she walked away. You waited, unsure of what. For the Fatui to bust into you and drag you out again? For the world to swallow you and to disappear into the Abyss and then never surface again?

“Can I come in?” A voice interrupted your thoughts, Diluc. You weren’t sure how to react, but you figured if anyone knew what to do, it’d be him. The door opens with a creak, your body pressed behind it as if that would conceal it completely. He stood there with a more gentle expression. “What happened today? Conner said you had a nervous breakdown.” Your voice hadn’t returned to you, nor had your mind. You just caved and brought him in for a hug, forgetting how he usually doesn’t like to be touched, but in that moment you cried and clung to him like when he had saved you.

That memory was strong enough to where the smell of charred flesh and fire suffocated the air, you even remembered how he reached his hand into the opened cage, as you curled to the back of it wondering if he was a savior or merely a new warden. “Did.. someone spot you?” His voice interrupted your internal flashback. You pondered, you don’t know if that agent had recognized you or if he thought nothing of your encounter. You may be breaking down for absolutely nothing right now.

“I.. bumped into a fatui agent today… he didn’t say anything about… me just a rude comment.. I.. don’t want to go back. I don’t want to-”

“You won’t be. They’re never going to get their hands on you again, I promise.” His hands reciprocated the hug, he held you tighter, your face to his chest, your nose suffocated in his scent, a slight ashy smell and cologne that was too fancy to be identifiable to you. His hold on you was tight but strong, and at that moment you felt. Safe. Your heart slowed down, and the tears on your cheek were absorbed by the fabric of his shirt.

“I.. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.” You mumbled.You couldn’t really see his face, but he shuffled you two so he could close the door behind you two, allowing you two privacy.

“Its not about deserving of it, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be safe. They have no right. You don’t deserve the pain they cause you, no one does.” He replied.

“Diluc?”

“Yes?”

“You never did tell me, why do you hate the fatui so much? Its not like they’re a good organization but most nobles sit in their mansions and let the populace suffer, not that I’d expect you to be that heartless its just…I’m curious as to your reasoning.” You looked up at him slightly, his expression shifted to one of grief. You knew in that moment what had happened. “You don’t have to tell me.. They took someone from you.. Didn’t they?”

“It was more than that… But you are right. I’ve lived my life with the hero instinct drilled into me, yet the people who did so stood back and did nothing while the Fatui got off scott free. You haven’t heard me rant about the Knights yet so I’m not surprised you didn’t know that tid bit.” He said. Neither of you pulled away in that moment.

“They killed my dad… He couldn’t pay his debts and the fucking agents killed him by ‘accident’ during their interrogation. They then insisted I pay. I couldn’t get away, but they’ve seized all my assets. My childhood home, my belongings, my mother’s necklace… its all gone. I have no life outside of this manor now.” You confessed. He frowned in concern.

“Not even friends?”

“Most didn’t want to get involved… I can’t blame them if I’m honest.. It's scary.. But I wish they had at least..tried..” You thought about the neighbors who had watched, who listened to your pleas but remained statues. Some vengeful part hoped they never know if you’re alive so they live with guilt for the rest of their lives, but ultimately you just hoped they were safer than you were right now.

“I understand that..” Diluc said. You looked into his eyes as you saw the same emotions you felt, rage, concern, grief, and loneliness. “I wished they had shared my sentiment as I did.. How can someone call themself a knight when they side with the enemy of their nation just to avoid controversy..” he hissed. You held him a little tighter.

“I don’t understand that either…”

“I was raised side by side with the knights a constant presence in my life.. I was all set to become a captain... And they expected me to let my father’s death slide for the sake of diplomacy… Those wretched bastards can rot… I will not let the innocent perish and suffer as they stand pretty and stagnant... If the fatui did take you, I’d chase them to the ends of the world to save you.” You pulled away to look at his face.

“But.. what now? Should I stay inside completely for the meantime?”

“I’ll ask my informants to check on the activity to see if they’re searching for you, until then you shouldn’t leave the manor at all. If you want anything I’ll be happy to provide you with it. I believe at least a month or so would be the minimum.” Diluc answered. You felt uneasy, the thought of being inside for an entire month. It wasn’t appealing but it was necessary.

“I.. I promise I won’t slack off..”

“You won’t have to work. I can’t imagine forcing you to work through such horror. We can lighten your load if you wish.”

“No no, it’ll help me feel more at ease if I have something to do.” you assured him.

“If you insist.

[oreganosbaby]

What are some notably bad takes you've seen on the Dick Pic incident?

Ok my biggest frustration with Dick Pic Incident takes are that most of them tend to take it as a very conventional #metoo sexual harrassment narrative. This flattens their characters and their relationship so much. Within this narrative, Roman is the predator and Gerri is the victim. Imo, the people who have this take are more likely to see Roman as being a sex pervert and are not the type to see Gerri as being predatory or as betraying him. I don't agree with literally any of those takes, obviously.

I feel like the whole narrative of Gerri as victim and Roman as predator completely misunderstands the intention of the dick pics proper because they are unable to let go of the socially normative idea of what an unsolicited dick pic is for. So, people tend to assume Roman intended to impose his will over her, to sexually threaten her, humiliate her or undermine her. This also leads to a misunderstanding of why the dick pic was so fucked up for Logan and why it was the final nail in the coffin for Roman. The idea that Roman was doing this with aggression goes against his entire deal as being the inverse of his father’s masculine ideals. Roman sent those pictures out of this hysterical overflow of psychosexual anxieties regarding the possibility of genuine emotion without the pretense of business. It parallels his anxieties about his mother’s wedding wherein he identifies with his mother and his anxieties about Logan’s feelings toward him. It seems people are forcibly decontextualising the incident so as to make it fit a particular narrative since that's the only way they can make sense of this or they're misinterpreting his character entirely as someone who is far more proactive and by extension, masculine than he actually is.

The other element is people misinterpreting Gerri's feelings about the dick pics. Like, she's not traumatised and she doesn't feel threatened by him. To some degree, Gerri legitimately sees herself as superior to Roman and able to control him to some degree. With the dick pics, he was getting out of her control but, I still don’t believe she understood this as him asserting himself or sexually threatening her. To Gerri, it was him being hysterical and clingy because if he really were asserting himself, he’d be able to act more independently and he clearly isn’t. His attachment to her is really the crux of her problem with this. What she wants is for him to let go of this libidinal attachment to her because she sees it as weighing her down and for him to learn to manage his libido so he could use it for more productive ends. Roman is unable to do this because his libido is what has guided every major career decision he’s made; it’s the libido that goes first, not the professional goals. She didn’t fully understand this and this is also why she thought their interests were aligned.

I think that both have a hard time situating themselves in relation to each other within the hierarchy. Within their “special conference calls” it’s simple but, in business, it isn’t. Roman assumes Gerri sees him for him-- that she sees him as impotent but, Gerri doesn’t see that and she expects him to “mature” out of this and advance himself. Both understand that regardless of her expectations, Roman’s power does largely come from his relation to Logan. The dick pics were obviously a huge liability to Gerri and she understood Roman as getting preferential treatment because he’s Logan’s son-- after all, that’s why she’s stuck with him in the first place. I think Roman can’t calculate the weight this has so, while he’s aware that this matters and it’s why she’s stuck with him, he likely didn’t expect his father to even suggest killing Gerri in favour of him. I think that a lot of people miss the complexity of the power dynamics here and don’t understand how Roman sees himself within the hierarchy.

[vrisrezis]

College au, geto being an emotional drunk, slight utahime x shoko lol, reader is amab (or just masculine aligned?) and for some reason satoru knows about it, suguru is shorter than reader, suguru is subby but there is no nsfw involved here, alcohol in this one, satoru being a wingman and not being jealous? Good for him.

Not proof read . Sorry if this is ass I was very tired writing this

Suguru and satoru often drank. You did too, it was your way of spending time with the boys and that even included utahime and shoko. You, however, had too much school work you needed to finish before this semester ended. You never liked to ask for help, but admittedly maths has been quite the never ending struggle. Suguru offered to help, many times actually. You however always rejected his help. You didn’t like the idea of relying on your friend for that, as a lot of your old friends used you a lot for school back then. Besides that, you’re kinda embarrassed to ask for help from him. It makes you feel dumb.

You already have a complex about being friends with two of the top students in your college, you don’t need to be a burden on top of that. You can do it on your own.

However, getting back to your current predicament, it isn’t often suguru gets plastered. Honestly, he handles his liquor pretty well. Unlike satoru, who ends up a complete mess after one shot of anything, thanks to his thinner frame, you assume. Not that sugurus body type is too different, he tends to wear clothing that makes him look a lot bigger than he actually is, but still. You’ve drank with him many times, he’s had at least 9 beers in the past and was completely fine.

It also isn’t often you don’t join your friends for going out to drink, but you were cooped up in your dorm room that you shared with shoko. Even her telling you suguru was gonna be there, didn’t tempt you. Which let her know that you seriously needed to get your shit finished.

However, you hear your phone ring, only to find shoko calling you.

“You having too much fun… or…?” you trail off, and she lets out a giddy laugh, clearly drunk off her ass by the sound of her voice “not too much quite yet, but suguru has certainly had enough. Need you to come get him. I’m gonna stay with utahime tonight, so can you just take suguru with you?”

And of course, who are you to say no? Though you honestly wonder why she’s staying with utahime..

Now that you think about it, you don’t actually wonder why. Those two have been having something going on, and whatever it is, it certainly isn’t straight.

You wonder why you had to take suguru with you, since him and satoru are roomies. Cant he just go with him? However, as you meet up with them, shoko explains that satoru doesn’t like sugurus loud snoring, which apparently happens when he gets drunk.

So with a sigh you drag suguru, while shoko and utahime worry about satoru, who’s giving suguru some wiggly eyebrows and a perverted smirk. As well as a thumbs up. You don’t know what that means, but as you drag suguru out of the bar you hear satoru yell “ohhh yeah! Get that dick tonight suguru!”

Your friend, suguru, would normally tell satoru to shut up before he kicks his ass. Or he’d be embarrassed and apologize for satorus behavior. Instead however, he laughs drunkly with red completing coating his cheeks. You don’t comment on it, but as you two walk side by side, his hand makes its way into yours. He grabs your arm with his other hand, leaning his head on your shoulder and squishing his cheek on it. You raise a brow at how clingy he’s being, as he typically isn’t the overly touchy type. Sure he has his moments, but never like this.

Suguru is talking absolute nonsense at this point, even after you situate him on the couch. He demands you sit with him, and he demands you cuddle him. You give into all of his demands, and wrap an arm around his shoulder as he places his arms around your mid section, cheek on your chest. He goes into a drunk rant about the movie you two and satoru saw last week, which was in fact Barbie, before he suddenly starts delving into other things. Like how he feels.

“It’s such a good movie.” he mumbles drunkly, “kinda like how you’re a good person.” it’s such a stretch, it makes you wonder if he simply just wanted to talk about you. You smile, shaking your head, and he gives you a pout. “You areeee though…” he draws out, whining as he says it. He’s annoyed you don’t understand how great you are, “you’re so sweet and selfless, you’re the best person I know.” he says, and while everything he’s saying does make you blush, it’s hard to take him seriously when he sounds like a 5 year old struggling to form words together.

“You’re such a good person.” he says, using his point finger to trace invisible words on your chest, pouting subconsciously whilst doing so. “Such a good person. Yknow I’m in love with you… right?” he says, looking up at you, right into your eyes. He manages to catch you off guard, which is something he’s never managed. He laughs, “hehe! You really didn’t know?”

You shake your head, at a loss for words. The male before you just giggles like a child, “that’s so funny. You’re so silly y/n. Of course I love you, who wouldn’t?”

He giggles a bit more, his giddy smile becomes a bit more soft the longer he stares at you. “You’re so cute up close.” he whispers, putting a hand on your cheek, his thumb running on said cheek. “I wanna kiss you.” he softly whispers, with such love and adoration in his voice despite how fucked out it sounded.

“You can’t.” you whisper back, you see the hurt flash in his eyes instantly, and you start to regret how you said that to him. “Oh…” he sadly juts his bottom lip, “okay…” he looks down, and you start to panic as you see the tears well up in his eyes.

“Hey hey hey” you say, your voice is laced with worry. “It’s okay! It’s not like I don’t want to or anything!” you try your best to calm him down, but you see the tears fall on his cheeks. “Look at me.” you say, but the male before you is too busy crying and trying to wipe his snot and tears away. You grab his wrists and putt them down, before using your thumb and forefinger, you grab his chin and lift his head up to look at you. He whimpers, “please. kiss me.” he silently begs, and you have to shake your head at him, making him cry more.

“Why!!” he practically wails, like a child. “Is it somebody else!?” he sniffles, more tears escape him, hot jealousy building up in his stomach. “Is it satoru…?” he says, lip quivering as he thinks about it.

You shake your head at him, “no, okay suguru? I just don’t want to take advantage of you. You’re very drunk right now. Please understand me.” you say, finally letting go of his chin, and he keeps his head in place. He grabs onto your shirt, gripping rather tightly. “Will you kiss me when I feel better then?” he asks, and you nod with a smile. Suguru feels more tears well up in his eyes, but he’s sure they’re happier this time.

Geto sniffles, “you’re so pretty” he says, tears falling from his eyes once again.

[thatonegaybrit]

; idk why but after reading some posts I js realized why it took me years and years of questioning, years of discomfort, years of self hate and years of forcing myself into labels to realize I'm transmasc & like guys. Like, like it took me years and it was because

; ( long under the cut + rant like but w a good ending lol /gen )

; because I had been taught men and liking men was bad, was evil, was mysoginistic, was siding w the enemy

pt: ; because I had been taught men and liking men was bad, was evil, was mysoginistic, was siding w the enemy

; and I fully believed this, it was said by my mother and my friends and by social media and influencers and everyone I used to look up too, so why wouldn't it be true ?? So realizing I was transmasc was 100% harder because ppl were clinging on too the whole " if you're born a man or transition into a man you're horrible and evil and disgusting etc etc and there's no getting out of it I hate you " feminism and I wanted so bad to be in a community and to have ppl like me ( and I didn't know of any other safe places ) that I js went with it. I claimed to be a trans ally but I depised trans men & trans mascs, I hated cis men especially ! I hated everyone who was masculine or liked masculine people. I was like legit a terrible person and a huge exclusionist and I didn't even notice. Because I genuinely thought I was in the right, because I'd been raised like that. Because I'd been continuously told that. So I wasn't a " bad person " I was a good person, I was correct and I was spreading good information

; and yk I was devastated when I realized I was transmasc, it was horrifying to think because " oh shit oh no I must be broken, be evil !! and what if I js get worse !?? What if I end up like other men oh no ! " and that is terrifying to think that's how I used to think, like, that was normal for me. That was right.

; but funnily enough after being like okay I'm transmasc now what !?? I went to some transmasc / accepting queer centered blogs & sites & discords and I swear they were so welcoming it flipped everything I knew on it's head. I'd been told they were all gross and mysoginistic and rapists and js terrible people but the nicest person there who helped me sm was a cis gay man. He was kind and supportive and helped me through what I was feeling .. !! He didn't even get offended by my original thought process because his brother had been the same, his friends had been the same, most trans men / mascs in those places had been the same. They'd all thought something was wrong w them, that they were horrid people and they were betraying women etc etc.

; and I'm forever grateful I got out of that way of thinking, I've never been happier being myself. Letting others be themselves. And I don't feel so broken anymore, I don't buy into the " siding w the enemy !! " bullshit because that's what it is, bullshit. Plus I know I don't have to look a certain way to be transmasc so it's helped my dysphoria to an extent yk .. But it still really pisses me off that people hate men for purely being men, that's stupid and literally genuinely not what feminism is, its not what inclusivity is, it's just shitty and stupid. You aren't just born a horrible person and it certainly isn't based off something like gender or sex. And you sure as fuck don't get to call yourself inclusive for it.

; anyways I love you trans men & transmascs and all masculine / man aligned lovelies in all your ways and yeah. You're not evil or disgusting or betraying anyone just because you are a man / masc person <3 ( this also goes for anyone expressing themselves masculinely / who look masculine <333 )

[loosesodamarble]

This is me answering all of the questions from my thematic oc ask game, for Josele specifically.

1. What is the main color associated with them? What connections with that color do they share? Josele’s main color association is blue, think cobalt. Not too dark or light, right in the middle. Blue is associated with sensitivity (fitting her magic), peace (despite having strong emotions, she could keep them in check), and sorrow (reflecting the tragedy in her life). Also, despite being seen as a masculine color now, blue was actually once associated with femininity so it represents Josele’s masculine and feminine aspects.

Josele’s secondary color is brown. Brown is associated with feelings of security, resilience, and reliability. Josele strives to be a person whom others can depend on and be protected by. She’s also a physically resilient though her heart is more fragile and needs help finding safety for her that. Brown is also associated with Josele because brown is a mix of multiple colors and Josele’s Emotion Magic is essentially a mix of many elemental attributes.

2. Drawing from the language of flowers, what flower would symbolize them? I associate Josele with the star flower.

The star flower, also called amsonia, is the perfect flower for Josele. Blue is Josele’s primary color and she’s associated with stars (which I will elaborate on later). The star flower’s meaning/symbolism is “endurance, strength, and determination.” Josele endured a lot in her life, physically injuries and emotional losses. She faces a great deal of hardship and while she does stumble (her curse if her biggest fault), she still pulls through. She’s physically strong but also has a strong spirit as her curse isn’t able to fully erase her emotions and kindness. And her determination to help others is one of the things that keeps her going even while cursed.

3. What real life animal would they be represented by? I’ve mentioned it before but Josele would be represented by deer, in general and not a specific species. They are animals known for their grace and are often used as symbols of gentleness. Josele, even when cursed, is a caring individuals. In Buddhism, they represent happiness and harmony, something which Josele seeks after and eventually attains. Deer can also be associated with strength, usually male bucks with their antlers.

4. What mythical creature would they be represented by? It’s not entirely due to Josele herself, but she is associated with kitsune from Japanese mythology. Kitsune in Japanese myth sometimes transform into or possess women, usually to prey on men. It’s similar to how Almatra (who has a fox-like true form) possesses Josele’s body through their devil contract. One famous kitsune story is about Tamamo-no-mae who becomes a favored individual in the emperor’s court but her presence makes him sickly as she tried to take the emperor’s life force. Josele is much like the emperor, afflicted with the presence of fox-like Almatra and her Blight Magic. Kitsune aren’t always malicious or tricksters and can be aligned with good, and that’s Josele using Almatra’s Blight Magic for Magic Knight duties.

5. Which body part are they associated with? Hands. Josele is physically strong and hands are symbolic for strength (in my experience at least). But also, I see hands as a symbol for connection. “Reaching out to one another.” “Take my hand.” “Lend a helping hand.” Thoughts like that. Josele used to be someone who so easily reached out to help others but with her curse, she has closed herself off. Now, she is the one who needs to be reached out to. And Josele needs to take the hands of those who want to help her so they can bring her out of the dark place she put herself in.

6. Which of the four seasons best fits them? The best season for Josele is spring. It’s the season of life and rebirth. Josele’s true self is happy, kind, and full of life, like the world in the spring. But currently, she’s trapped in a state opposite to herself, an emotional winter of sorts. Depressed from the loss of Morgen and emotionless from her curse, Josele is without spirit or life. Plus, she is using Blight Magic with takes life away from the world around her. When she’s freed from Almatra and her curse, Josele is essentially reborn. Just like flowers blooming in the spring, Josele’s emotions are allowed to flourish again and she is able to truly live to the fullest.

7. What time of day are they associated with? Dawn, when the sun is rising. Josele loves watching both the sunrise and sunset but she is better suited with the sunrise. Just like how spring is about renewal, the dawn is about hope. Josele must find the hope and strength of heart to continue towards the future. The light of dawn is gentler than full daytime as well. Finally, there’s the saying that “it’s darkest before the dawn.��� Josele loses a great deal (Morgen, her magic, her emotions, her father, and even Nacht’s presence when he leaves for Spade) before she finds happiness and love once more.

8. Which of the seven heavenly virtues are they associated with? Do they embody that virtue or are they trying to learn it? Josele’s greatest virtue is her charity. She does her best to love all people in a general sense, serving the greater good above all else. She can’t perfectly love and know about all people individually, but she can care for society as a whole. From there, Josele developed an altruistic nature, willing to make sacrifices for the sake of helping others. Sometimes, she’s resorted to less upright means, such as using Forbidden Magic, but it was done to continue working as a Magic Knight. Josele isn’t entirely without personal wants but she puts others above herself more often than not. Charity is a pure form of love she can give to everyone.

9. Which of the seven deadly sins are they associated with? Is it a negative trait of theirs or something they actively struggle with? The sin Josele is associated with is sloth. I explain it here but I’ll still give a quick summary. Josele is mentally slothful. She wallowed in misery and then lets herself suffer from her curse and the presence of a devil. She doesn’t really have that much desire to do much aside work.

10. Are they closer to life or death? Although she is associated with the season of spring, Josele is closer to death. Her mother died when she was still young, then came Morgen’s death which sent her into a downward spiral, she killed her own spirit through her curse, and the magic she gained from her devil contract is Blight Magic. Also, in order for Josele to be reborn later on, she must first die.

11. Land, sea, or sky? Of the realms of the world, which one does the character belong to? Josele belongs to the land. The stable ground from which life is born, where plants take root and many animals make their homes. She has traversed the forest since her childhood. Josele is also grounded; she has strong emotions but she takes in the world around her as it is

The land is more tangible than the other realms. One can feel the flow of water or a breeze but water slips through one’s fingers and air can’t be grasped. Josele wants the things she care about to be something she can grasp, like soil or stone. Although she can sense people’s emotions through her magic, Josele prefers hearing people’s feelings spoken outright, as it feels more real. And she prefers receiving affection through touch, to be able to feel someone held in her arms and place her forehead against theirs.

12. Are they the sun, moon, stars or something else in space? Josele is associated with stars. Josele is like a light. She is happy, kind, and admired. But she’s not as strong a light like Morgen, who is associated with the sun. However, Josele is still able to shine. Stars are far off, distant objects, lightyears from Earth. And though Josele is physically present, her feelings being locked away makes her emotionally distant from people, even if deep down she doesn’t want that. Stars are a popular symbol of hope, a repeated theme/concept connected to Josele. There is hope for Josele’s curse to break and she must find a way to have hope again.

Josele being the stars also aligns her well with Morgen and Nacht. Morgen is the sun and technically, the sun is another star that’s just much closer to Earth. Josele and Morgen are similar in that they are shining lights. Meanwhile, Nacht is the moon, accompanying Josele as the stars in the night sky. The stars and moon are gentler, somewhat lonelier lights. Finally, Nacht calls Josele “my star.”

13. Instead of your standard four elements, consider what kind of metal represents your character. Josele is represented by steel. It is strong and durable like Josele is. She’s on the muscular side and can take a beating in a fight. Josele’s heart is also strong with emotions. Her despair over losing Morgen was so overpowering for her. Another aspect of steel is how dangerous it is. Josele is dangerous mostly due to Almatra and the deadly Blight Magic that she has. But wielding a sword on it’s own it still quite threatening. Finally, there is the fact that steel is a refined alloy of other metals. Josele, upon breaking her curse, is able to take her sorrows and joys, pain and love, to become stronger than she was before. She hones herself and becomes more than what she was once through her tribulations.

14. Regardless of whether or not they wield any, what kind of weapon do you associate them with? Naturally, Josele is associated with swords. She can wield a variety of weapons but her primary one is a sword. Swords are the “standard” weapon in fiction and Josele is a simple, straightforward woman. Being the stereotypical weapon for knights, swords have connotations of courage and justice, which Josele believes in. Swords also symbolize power and protection, and Josele uses her strength to protect others. Finally, swords are a close quarters weapon. Josele is about physical closeness and intimacy to reflect emotional closeness to the ones she loves.

15. Pick an article of clothing to represent them. What does it mean? I would have Josele represented by a sash, a piece of cloth that can be worn over the shoulder or around the waist. Josele’s outfit actually includes a sash for her belt from which her sword is held. As for what a sash means, I see it as a symbol for adaptability (because it can be worn in two ways) since Josele’s latent Emotion Magic is flexible in the way it creates multiple elements. I also associate sashes with connection. Sashes are often tied when they’re worn and people become tied through knowing one another. Josele’s arc involves her becoming more closely tied to the Black Bulls in order to break her curse.

16. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and anything between. What kind of dish are they? Josele would be a supper. Compared to “dinner,” “supper” has a more home-y, informal feel. Josele is a commoner, rough and simple. She would cook a comfy, home-y supper for her loved ones. Supper being an evening meal also creates the sense of winding down from a long day of work. Supper is a welcoming, comforting meal to help one wind down in my mind. And that’s the kind of vibe Josele (especially post curse) would give off.

17. What instrument would be used in their leitmotif? I imagine that a leitmotif for Josele would involve an acoustic guitar. It seems like a simple instrument at first but guitars can convey a great range of emotions through the chords played on them. Guitars can play energetic, upbeat melodies or slow, melancholy ballads. Similarly, Josele is a straightforward individual but she has deep emotions and her Emotion Magic is quite complex in how it works. There’s also a universality to the guitar and Josele is a person who wants to do good to as many people as possible.

18. Which card would they be from the major arcana of tarot cards? Just like her space motif is stars, the major arcana that Josele is associated with is The Star.

In the upright position, The Star stands for hope, faith, purpose, renewal, and spirituality. Josele’s Emotion Magic connects her to the human spirit/soul. Cursing herself and then breaking the curse is her being renewed. She’s always had a purpose in serving others but also finds purpose in living for her own happiness. Faith, and connection, in others helps Josele break her curse. And hope for a brighter future is a major theme in her character.

In the reversed position, The Star stands for a lack of faith, despair, self-trust, disconnection. Morgen’s death caused Josele to lose faith in herself, her abilities and heart. She fell into despair from there and became disconnected from the people and world around her when she cursed herself.

19. Which of the four temperaments are they? Josele, under normal circumstances, has elements of both the sanguine and phlegmatic, being people-oriented and an ambivert (between extrovert and introvert).

From sanguine, Josele gets her energetic, passionate, and adventurous aspects, as well as the springs and morning associations. She can be unruly and impulsive too (though that was a bigger problem in her youth). Her sanguine side is stronger in her youth, before she cursed herself.

From phlegmatic, Josele gets her peacefulness, kindness, and empathic side. Her stubbornness and sometimes passivity (in negative cases) also come from this temperament. It’s also the one associated with the role of the mother in the family, and Josele is a pseudo-mother figure to the Black Bulls (if a distant one). She leans much more towards phlegmatic, especially in adulthood.

The two temperaments share traits of being friendly, forgiving, and emotionally available. Both temperaments tend to also be very giving, too much to a point of fault. Generally, they are the more optimistic temperaments and are highly responsive.

While under her curse, Josele is more melancholic. Passive and detached from the world. She remains polite but can be blunt and is always distant.

20. What word/phrase is central to their character? Josele got the advice from her mother that “every feeling matters.” She still has to remember this advice, but what’s just as important to Josele is the idea that it’s emotions that connect people. Josele locking away her feelings made it difficult for her to remember and connect to people. Feelings are important to just for the individual but for everyone around them. It’s by opening up to others, sharing feelings with those around her, that Josele’s curse gets broken. To summarize that idea, the phrase that is central to Josele’s character is “your heart is meant to be connected to the hearts of others.”

[catboymitosis]

Ok so I found your account very recently and I am loving it! Would you be fine with discussing more of your thoughts on Daan being trans? I briefly thought about it the other day but I would love to hear your perspective. Sorry if you already discussed this somewhere else and I didn’t see it 😭

Aaaa thank you glad you're enjoying your time here so far! I talked a tiny bit about it in the tags of my post about him as the blank soul but I'll gladly talk more about it <3

I personally worked my way backward into seeing Daan as trans, rather than looking for evidence it was more about what reading him as trans connected with and brought to other aspects of his character.

My starting point is what Pocketcat says to him during his moonscorching transformation and how much of it was focused on idenity issues, faking who you are, putting on masks, being so obviously out of place and seen through. I don't think what Pocketcat says during this scene should be taken 100% at face value because a lot of what he tells Daan that he really feels actively benefits its goals of turning him into a vessel but this being what Pocketcat chooses to manipulate him through is telling.

Daan holds very deep seated insecurities about not passing. And boy do we see him fail to pass in game. Karin calls him a queer right in front of everyone and in party talks a few of the jabs she takes at him are about his percieved failure at masculine things. If the player attacks and intimidates him they call his "blade" too small, to me this paints the picture that Daan has an in world queerness to him that's so obvious it's not strange that it would get used against him.

He effectively does pass as a man, he's likely had access to what gender affirming surgery and hormones existed at the time and period-typical transphobia would dictate if they even knew what a transexual was they probably still wouldn't know they could be men. So what Daan's not passing as is actually a straight man (world's #1 gayest wife guy) but that at the same time that really doesn't matter for his own anxieties. We see him pass as a man of higher status by pretty much everyone (another thing Karin likes to take jabs at him for) despite how much he feels out of place in that world, nobody would ever be able to guess his past involvement with Sylvain from the way he acts in Prehevil yet he still feels like they can see through it and know how he's been aligned with her aligned with her all his life.

He's got that voice in his head that tells him "they all know what you are" which, as a trans person myself, very much resonates with part of the trans experience. As does how much others push the kind of man he "should" be onto him.

I tend to fixate on his identity issues the most out of any aspect of his character. How suggestible he is about being told who he is because he needs a role to play lest it really sink in how blank he is. Having him despite that, know he is and choose to live as a man feels very powerful and impactful to me! It also makes it all the more tragic that one of the very few things he decided for himself that he was inevitibly gets affirmed yet twisted and perverted into Pocketcat, who while not being a manly man of any sort is basically the natural extreme to those flamboyant effeminate cartoon gaycoded villains of the old disney movies, a very male threat.

[blueikeproductions]

So the original pitch bible for Transformers Prime was revealed, its prototypical stage was called Robots in Disguise funnily enough, and I’m mixed on what I’ve seen.

Let’s be clear, Prime is ok, but I’ve always found it bland. Flash over substance, best remembered for being gritty and violent with little to say outside of that becoming a forced amalgam of what came before, while its true saving grace being it got Peter Cullen and Frank Welker back on TV in their best known roles. It never knew what it wanted to be, and it’s why I preferred RiD15 since, while far more “kiddy”, I respect a show that at least knows what it is sincere about it.

With that in mind, the concept art oddly feels more cohesive than Prime. The general gist was pretty unabashedly Bayformers: The Animated Series and to a degree I’m surprised they didn’t just do that with NEST, Sam & Mikayla instead of trying to make douchebag hacker Spike a thing.

Indeed, Spike was originally meant as the lead human, described as a rebellious hacker seeking the truth, and one day discovers a Transformer. While there’s no design drawn, reference photos use what looks like stereotypical teens from the 2000’s, ranging from a skateboarder to a grungy emo teen that reminds me of douchebag SM3 Peter with the symbiote. Going by the description and visuals, Spike was evidently split apart into Jack, Raf and Miko, which might explain why they never worked… at least to me. They became a fragment of Spike’s original personality and never fully grew beyond that, when keeping them a single character might’ve been far more interesting.

It appears NEST inspired TASK, no idea what it stands for, but they were similarly a military unit aligned with the Autobots. A female love interest was sketched out, though frankly with how masculine the sketch looks, I keep thinking it’s a guy. Sort of the reverse TF Zone Akira (looks like a girl, is actually a dude). Frankly I say keep the military person a love interest and make ’em a dude: let’s get Akira and Cain up in here with it lol. (I know they weren’t officially a couple, but I still think it’s funny. Plus a version of Spike with a boyfriend could be fun as something different.)

Anyhow, a big emphasis was humanity joining the fight, as well as how they’d react to the TF’s Great War. This didn’t really make it into the final product beyond Prime and RiD’s over fixation on hiding the robots (when in both cases it was becoming increasingly hard to believe people didn’t see anything or just shrugged it off. Though RiD at least had some funny bits poking fun at this I liked.) TASK was basically NEST, and in some cases was just one letter away from just becoming MASK. …Which leads into the toy aspect.

I think had they played their cards right with this early pitch, they could’ve had Autobots, Decepticons, and TASK/MASK transforming vehicles. A huge emphasis was placed on Optimus having specialized trailers, all seemingly based on the Armada and Prime Force drones from Energon to some extent. There was the base trailer that unfolded into a military platform for Autobots and humans to use, a drill trailer for Energon mining, a submarine trailer for water missions, I think I saw a jet trailer, and a tank trailer. It appears they could all Transform to some extent, even becoming armor for other characters to combine with. They evoke the later Cyberverse Spark Armor vehicle combinations with a dash of ROTF Jet Optimus, so the concept made it out just not in Proto-Prime lol.

There was also a proposed Energon Weapon gimmick that strongly resembles the RB style Energon Tools gimmick, so presumably it too got repurposed.

Curiously there’s a LOT of concept art of the Autobots in underwater missions, wearing armor that resembles the submarine armor TFA Bumblebee toy. One concept art drawing features a giant robot manta-fish guy, who I’m assuming was a Seacon or a Sharkticon of some sort. The later TFP prequel stuff that did get made involves an adventure on Aquatron, with Megatron becoming a liberator of the Sharkticons, so I guess that’s where that came from? Megatron even got a Sharkticon inspired toy to boot. I suppose it’s ironic we have all this water business but no one thought to include guys like Sea Spray (and NOT kill him off screen). The robot designs were all over the place. A lot of art mostly uses stylized G1 designs, but the proposed designs were a stronger hybrid of the movies and G1, as opposed to what we got which was purely movie inspired with a dash of Animated. It’s funny to me that after years of praise for Prime’s art style, upon seeing the concept art, it’s now ok to absolutely dunk on Prime. Megatron is the stand out for many, being a hybrid of his WFC, body, his Cybertron Mode Animated body and his Revenge of the Fallen bodies. His vehicle mode was a tank, instead of the first Bayformer space jet thing. He also had what I think might have been a battle axe on his back. It’s definitely cooler than what we got, and I get a strong sense it might crop up as a toy in a future Concept Art Studio Series release. The other designs I think got repurposed though. Bee’s design looks to be what eventually became RiD15, CV and ES Bee, Starscream became RiD15 Screamer, Soundwave’s Earth Mode became RiD15 and CV Soundwave. I genuinely believe RiD15 was where some of these designs were saved lol. Optimus was pry the more G1 looking, with the look possibly influencing his CV and RBA bodies. Soundwave had an alternate design that was his ROTF design, but with Fixit’s wheel feet. I personally hate this look, buts pretty clear ROTF Soundwave was still a huge influence for what became the final and genuinely popular TFP Soundwave design. Ironhide was one of the main Autobots along with Ratchet, both being heavily influenced by their Movie selves, like what would’ve happened with TFA Ironhide and TFA Ratchet. I suppose the funny thing is the Ironhide design made it through, becoming Kup in the American release but staying Ironhide in the Japanese release. Still, the designs were very rough, and as much as people seem to be more for them, they’re too busy and are still clearly finding a balance in what they wanted. I think had they refined it a bit more we could’ve had the perfect Godzilla: The Animated Series equivalent to the original Bayformers. Alas we got Prime, while well intentioned was a show that coasted hard on being dark and gritty, shackled to continued unpopular modern ideas that’s only held TF down than uplift it. I think at the very least EarthSpark is a better version of Prime’s ideas even if I don’t agree with its execution.

[mydarlingedits]

sorry if this seems rude but what is bi lesbian? And lesboy? Don't each of them go against their definitions?

(okay I literally can't sleep until I answer this for some reason so apologies on how Not indepth it is but i'm tired and about to pass out. But this should be enough to get the general message/idea across tho. Okay bed time now)

Not at all. That's actually misinformation and TERF rhetoric.

This is a lot so it's under the cut.

First of all "lesbian", historically, is just a term for women who like women. It's never historically been exclusive until the past few decades. There are tons of old vintage queer reports and news about bisexual lesbians from the 80s and prior. While yes, plenty of lesbians use the term to exclusively mean "I'm (only) a woman who likes (only) other women" that is not the ONLY definition.

It's the TERFs that are trying to push Mspec lesbians out of the community they've always belonged in because they think femininity is special and sacred and that any form of masculinity or attraction to those masculine aligned is rotten and immoral and will taint you because 'all men evil'.

Plenty of people are Mspec lesbians for multiple different reasons, some may just hoard terms, some may have a strong sapphic preference but still be attracted to other genders, some may be part of the split attraction model and find it easier to say Bi-Lesbian than Biromantic homosexual or something, some may be plural where they're collectively bi but personally a lesbian, or they may id that way for an unlisted reason. Either way they're still lesbians and have always been lesbians.

And as for lesboys. That's also more TERF rhetoric and just general queerphobia. 99% of lesboys are either multigender, plural, trans, cisn't, etc. Claiming that lesbians can't be boys or male is erasing a huge chunk of individuals who experience gender and attraction in a varied and complex way. Also sometimes even cisgender binary butch lesbians will call themselves lesboys just because they prefer masculine terms.

For an example. My gender is is primarily masculine aligned, but I'm still a girl sometimes. And when I'm more feminine aligned my attraction to women feels very sapphic to me, it feels very different than my attraction to women when I'm more masculine, which is distinctly heterosexual, and so I'll sometimes use terms like lesboy/male lesbian/lesbidox/schrösbian/etc to describe myself for that reason.

There's also a lot of 'subtle' racism with the anti-lesboy stuff from what I've gathered, but as I'm not a person of colour I don't feel like it's my place to talk too indepth about it. Though I do think it's worth mentioning that I have seen some black queer folk talk about how the demonization of black masculinity in particular is used a lot against them in many anti lesboy (or just anti queer masc aligned labels in general) arguments. If I can find one of the posts going into it I'll link it here but Its been a few years so I doubt I'll find them.