#like i said i dont mean weed weed comes up a lot but like when you do hallucinogens

[qprstobin]

Maybe i haven't been reading the right fics but I'm honestly surprised we haven't seen more like, pre-season 3 steddie aus where steve buys drugs from Eddie and eddie trip sits for him. Oh the possibilities

[thesiltverses]

I don’t know who types up the ask answers on this blog but to whoever’s reading this: how do you all feel about being alive and sentient? What keeps you going, what purpose propels you through this chaotic void? What do you think (or hope) waits for you after your inevitable end? What do you think constitutes a life well lived?

I'm going to answer this in the most wayward and stupidly overlong manner possible, because the previous ask had me thinking about puppets, and I was already mid-way through writing up a book recommendation that's semi-relevant to your questions.

Everyone (but especially people who've enjoyed The Silt Verses and all the folks on Tumblr who loved Piranesi by Susanna Clarke) ought to seek out Riddley Walker by Russell Hoban.

Riddley Walker is a wild and woolly story set in post-apocalyptic Kent, where human society has (d)evolved into a Bronze Age collective of hunter-gatherer settlements. Dogs, apparently blaming us for our crimes against the world, have become our predators, hunting us through the trees. Labourers kill themselves unearthing ancient machinery that they cannot possibly understand.

A travelling crowd of thugs led by a Pry Mincer collect taxes and attempt to impose themselves upon those around them with a puppet-show - the closest possible approximation of a TV show - that tells a mangled story of the world's destruction, featuring a Prometheus-esque hero called Eusa who is tempted by the Clevver One into creating the atomic bomb.

Riddley himself, a twelve-year-old folk hero in-the-making surrounded by strange portents, ends up sowing the seeds of rebellion and change by becoming a conduit for the anti-tutelary anarchic madness (one apparently buried in our collective unconscious) of Punch 'n' Judy.

It's a book in love with twisted reinterpretation, the subjectivity of interpretation, buried or forbidden truths coming back to light (the opening quote is a curious allegory about reinvention and cyclical change from the extra-canonical Gospel of Thomas, which is a good joke and mission statement on a couple levels at once) and human beings somehow stumbling into forms of wisdom or insight through clumsy and nonsensical attempts to make sense of a world that is simply beyond them.

It rocks.

The book starts like this:

On my naming day when I come 12 I gone front spear and kilt a wyld boar he parbly the las wyld pig on the Bundel Downs any how there hadnt ben none for a long time befor him nor I aint looking to see none agen. He dint make the groun shake nor nothing like that when he come on to my spear he wernt all that big plus he lookit poorly. He done the reqwyrt he ternt and stood and clattert his teef and made his rush and there we wer then. Him on 1 end of the spear kicking his life out and me on the other end watching him dy. I said, 'Your tern now my tern later.'

Riddley's devolved language - a trick which has been nicked/homaged by many other works, most notably Cloud Atlas and Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome - is a masterwork choice which may seem offputting or overwhelming at first, but which has its own brutal poetry and cadence to it, and ultimately which makes us slow down as readers and unpick the wit, puns, double-meanings and playful themes buried in line after line.

(Even those first five sentences get us thinking about cyclical change, ritual and myth in opposition to the dissatisfactions of reality, and 'tern' to paradoxically indicate a rebellious change in direction but also an obedient acceptance of inevitable death.)

In one of my favourite passages in literature and a statement of thought that means a lot to me, Riddley has been smoking post-coital weed with Lorna, a 'tel-woman', who unexpectedly declares her belief in a kind of irrational, monstrous Logos that lives in us, wears us like clothes, and drives us onwards for its own purpose:

'You know Riddley theres some thing in us it dont have no name.' I said, 'What thing is that?' She said, 'Its some kynd of thing it aint us but yet its in us. Its lookin out thru our eye hoals...it aint you nor it dont even know your name. Its in us lorn and loan and shelterin how it can.' 'Tremmering it is and feart. It puts us on like we put on our cloes. Some times we dont fit. Some times it cant fynd the arm hoals and it tears us a part. I dont think I took all that much noatis of it when I ben yung. Now Im old I noatise it mor. It dont realy like to put me on no mor. Every morning I can feal how its tiret of me and readying to throw me a way. Iwl tel you some thing Riddley and keap this in memberment. What ever it is we dont come naturel to it.' I said, 'Lorna I dont know what you mean.' She said, 'We aint a naturel part of it. We dint begin when it begun we dint begin where it begun. It ben here befor us nor I dont know what we are to it. May be weare jus only sickness and a feaver to it or boyls on the arse of it I dont know. Now lissen what Im going to tel you Riddley. It thinks us but it dont think like us. It dont think the way we think. Plus like I said befor its afeart.' I said, 'Whats it afeart of?' She said, 'Its afeart of being beartht.'

While Hoban is, I think, deeply humanistic to his bones and even something of a wayward optimist, the notion of human beings as helpless and ignorant vessels, individual carriers - puppets, if you like - for an unknowable and awful inhuman power-in-potentia and life-drive that lacks a true shape or intent beyond its own continued survival (even when that means destroying us or visiting us with agonising atrophy in the process) conjures up the pessimism of Thomas Ligotti, another big influence on our work and a dude who was really into his marionettes-as-metaphor.

Let's go to him now for his opinion on the thing that lives beneath our skin. Thomas?

Through the prophylactic of self-deception, we keep hidden what we do not want to let into our heads, as if we will betray to ourselves a secret too terrible to know… …(that the universe is) a play with no plot and no players that were anything more than portions of a master drive of purposeless self-mutilation. Everything tears away at everything else forever. Nothing knows of its embroilment in a festival of massacres… Nothing can know what is going on.

Curiously, both Ligotti and Riddley Walker have appeared in the music of dark folk band Current 93, whose track In The Heart Of The Wood And What I Found There directly homages the novel and ends with the repeated words,

"All shall be well," she said But not for me

These words, in turn, hearken back to Kafka's* famous reported conversation with Max Brod:

'We are,' he said, 'nihilistic thoughts, suicidal thoughts that rise in God's head.' This reminded me of the worldview of the gnostic: God as an evil demiurge, the world as his original sin. 'Oh no', he said, 'our world is only a bad, fretful whim of God, a bad day.' 'So was there - outside of this world that we know - hope?' He smiled: 'Oh, hope - there is plenty. Infinite hope, just not for us."

So, we walk on.

We carry this thing that's riding on our backs, endlessly bonded to it, feeling its weight more and more with every passing day, unable to turn to look at it. Buried truths come briefly to life, and are hidden from us again. Perhaps they weren't truths at all. We couldn't stand to look the truth directly in the eyes in any case.

If there is hope, it's for the thing that looks out from our eyeholes, which thinks us but cannot think like us. We'll never get to where we're going, and the thing will never be born. There's no hope for it. Perhaps we don't want it to win anyway. It's nothing, and the key to everything.

The Jesus from the Gospel of Thomas says:

'When you see your own likeness, you rejoice. But when you see the visions that formed you and existed before you, which do not perish and which do not become visible - how much then will you be able to bear?'

Kafka, writing to his father, begins by expressing the inexpressibility of his own divine terror:

You asked me why I am afraid of you. I did not know how to answer - partly because of my fear, partly because an explanation would require more than I could make coherent in speech…even in writing, the magnitude of the causes exceeds my memory and my understanding.

Kafka concludes that while he cannot ever truly explain himself, and that the accusations in his letter are neat subjectivities that fail to account for the messiness of reality, perhaps 'something that in my opinion so closely resembles the truth…might comfort us both a little and make it easier for us to live and die.'**

It doesn't bring comfort to Kafka, whose diarised remarks both before and after the 1919 letter make it clear that he views his relationship with the things (people) that birthed him as an endless entrapment that prevents him from attaining any kind of self-actualisation or even comfort, since he cannot escape their influence or remember a time before them:

I was defeated by Father as a small boy and have been prevented since by pride from leaving the battleground, despite enduring defeat over and over again.

It's as if I wasn't fully born yet...as if I was dissolubly bound to these repulsive things (my parents).*** The bond is still attached to my feet, preventing them from walking, from escaping the original formless mush. That's how it is sometimes.

Samuel Beckett returns again and again (aptly) to this pursuit of a state of true humanity and final understanding that is at once fled and unrecoverable, yet to be born, never to be born, never-existed, endlessly to be pursued, pointless to pursue. From the astonishing end sequence of The Unnameable:

alone alone, the others are gone, they have been stilled, their voices stilled, their listening stilled, one by one, at each new-com- ing, another will come, I won’t be the last. I’ll be with the others. I’ll be as gone, in the silence, it won’t be I, it’s not I, I’m not there yet. I’ll go there now. I’ll try and go there now, no use trying, I wait for my turn, my turn to go there, my turn to talk there, my turn to listen there, my turn to wait there for my turn to go, to be as gone, it’s unending, it will be unending, gone where,where do you go from there, you must go somewhere else, wait somewhere else, for your turn to go again

I’m not the first, I won’t be the first, it will best me in the end, it has bested better than me, it will tell me what to do, in order to rise, move, act like a body endowed with despair, that’s how I reason, that’s how I hear myself reasoning, all lies, it’s not me they’re calling, not me they’re talking about, it’s not yet my turn, it’s someone else’s turn, that’s why I can’t stir, that’s why I don’t feel a body on me, I’m not suffering enough yet, it’s not yet my turn, not suffering enough to be able to stir, to have a body, complete with head, to be able to understand, to have eyes to light the way

From Thomas' Jesus:

When you make the two one, and you make the inside as the outside and the outside as the inside and the above as the below, and if male and female become a single unity which lacks 'masculine' and 'feminine' action, when you grow eyes where eyes should be and hands where hands should be and feet where feet should stand and the true image in its proper place, then shall you enter heaven.

Tom's Jesus makes a particularly Gnostic habit of both insisting that the hidden will be revealed and demonstrating the impossibility of attaining a state where the hidden ever can be revealed. Contrary to C.S. Lewis, we will never have faces with which to gaze upon the lost divine and the mysteries that shaped us, and crucially, as Christ puts it, we would not be able to bear the sight of ourselves if we did.

We will never become the thing that's riding on our backs.

Jesus again:

The disciples ask Jesus, 'Tell us how our end shall be.' Jesus says, 'Have you found the beginning yet, you who ask after the end? For at the place where the beginning is, there shall be the end.'

The Unnameable:

I’ll recognise it, in the end I’ll recognise it, the story of the silence that he never left, that I should never have left, that I may never find again, that I may find again, then it will be he, it will be I, it will be the place, the silence, the end, the beginning, the beginning again, how can I say it, that’s all words, they’re all I have, and not many of them, the words fail, the voice fails, so be it

The final passage of The Unnameable, which often is hilariously shorn and misinterpreted as an inspirational quote about how if you don't succeed, try again:

all words, there’s nothing else, you must go on, that’s all I know, they’re going to stop, I know that well, I can feel it, they’re going to abandon me, it will be the silence, for a moment, a good few moments, or it will be mine, the lasting one, that didn’t last, that still lasts, it will be I, you must go on, I can't go on, you must go on. I’ll go on, you must say words, as long as there are any, until they find me, until they say me, strange pain, strange sin, you must go on, perhaps it’s done already, perhaps they have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know. I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on. I’ll go on. †

We bear this thing that's riding on our backs. We'll never get to where we're going, and the thing will never be born. If it was born, it'd be too terrible for us to bear. There's nothing riding on our backs.

It will never speak us into being.

We keep on calling out into the silence, we keep trying to explain or understand the thing that's riding on our backs, searching for a way to birth it before we die. Our words about the thing are crucial, and they're meaningless, and they're all we have, and they're nothing at all. We cannot name it and we cannot express it, but we cannot stop trying, and we will keep turning back to our words about the thing, obsessing over them, tearing them to pieces, putting them back together.

I'm fumbling at something I can't think or say, but fumbling is all we're capable of. There could be beauty and meaning and comfort in the fumbling, but it's also vain, and foolish, and pointless, and we're lying to ourselves about the beauty and the meaning and the comfort, and we're indulging ourselves pointlessly by going on and on about the pointlessness of it. Nothing can know what's going on. We will never get close enough to understand without being destroyed.

Thomas' Jesus again, warning those who seek to reveal what's hidden:

He who is near me is near the fire.

Riddley Walker, reflecting on the Punch puppet's inexplicable desire to cook and eat his own child:

Whyis Punch crookit? Why wil he al ways kill the baby if he can? Parbly I wont ever know its jus on me to think on it.

If you got to the end of this, congratulations: but the above is honestly the most appropriate patchwork of what I believe, what propels me, what I feel.

As for what comes after life, I think it's fairly straightforwardly a nothingness we are tragically incapable of fully knowing or accepting - it's Beckett's unimaginable and unattainable silence, a silence that his characters' voices keep on shattering even as they cry out for it.

-Jon‡

*I can't remember if Kafka makes prominent reference to Czech puppets in his work, which is interesting in its own right given the thematic relevance (the protagonist in The Hunger Artist is perhaps a kind of self-directing puppet show?).

However, Gustav Meyrink - who some unsourced Google quotes suggest was pals with Czech puppeteer Richard Teschner - did write a strange little story, The Man On The Bottle, about an audience watching a 'marionette show' who are too wrapped up in performances and masks to interpret the reality that they're actually watching a human being suffocate to death.

**Thomas Ligotti: "Something had happened. They did not know what it was, but they did know it as that which should not be.

Something would have to be done if they were to live with that which should not be.

This would not (be enough); it would only be the best they could do."

***Beckett's Malone Dies actually kicks off with a related sentiment:" I am in my mother’s room. It’s I who live there now. I don’t know how I got there...In any case I have her room. I sleep in her bed. I piss and shit in her pot. I have taken her place. I must resemble her more and more."

† I don't necessarily align myself in humour with Ligotti on a lot of this stuff but I imagine he would recognise both Beckett's writing and Kafka's frustrations re explaining the causes of his hatred for his father as sublimation: finding artistic and philosophical ways of sketching the inexpressible horror and uncertainty of our existence in order to reckon with it at a remove without destroying ourselves. A higher form of self-deception, but self-deception nevertheless.

‡Muna's more of an anarcho-nihilist, I think.

[shoezuki]

ok it seems dream has slowed down or went to cry himself to sleep or something idk but now im gonna try n chronicle this shit as unbiasedly as i can. but whoooooa baby

anyways. it started when Nicolas Cantu (yes yes junkyjanker gumball voice actor) was replying to the dream parody account, dreamwastalen.

(also yes he knew it was a parody acct dude said he was roleplaying lmao)

Dream qrted the 'you can't joke when u an actual pedophile' tweet essentially saying that cantu is a horrible person, accusing him of assaulting dream, treating an uber driver horribly, and that he was saying the r word and being racist. Also says cantu apologized to dream on twitter by blaming it on alcohol and weed.

nicolas qrts, saying 'yes i slapboxed you in front of the hoes', confirming he mistreated an uber driver and said he tipped the driver well after and has been handling his drinking, says he called dream 'fat and a predator'. Nicolas denies being racist. He ends it with "hire a harvard professor to calculate why despite texting every twitch streamer in austin not a single one wanted to fuck you."

also in a qrt to a now private account that basically said 'dream reaching out to streamers doesnt mean he wanted to fuck them' nicolas said dream was sending streamers dick pics.

dream replies saying that nicolas didnt even tip and with screenshots of the dms nicolas had sent him apologizing. The dm is a massive text of paragraph . In an attempt to summarize it is essentially cantu apologizing for hitting dream n that he was out of line, mentioning he was drinking and high, that he thought dream would be an asshole but says he is 'humble, grounded and decent', that he relates to the pressure/discourse around having to deal w fame and havin a lot of influence at a young age, and also that he doesnt know who is and isnt lying w the allegations but he knows having lies n rumours spread bout u sucks.

worth noting im not sure when this message took place so I cant say if its extremely recent, but later dream i believe mentions it having to do with the latest twitchcon. idk [edit: looking ahead robbo mentioned this happened months ago]

Another contender, robbo, comes in saying he was there and that dream was slapped for calling a girl they are friends with a whore. They technically recant this accusation, saying they mixed the cantu slap up with another event that took place at twitchcon, but they continue to claim dream did this.

dream qrts this saying robbo 'wasnt even in the same state' at the time, that he doesnt know who robbo is, that he doesnt go around harassing women and accuses robbo of upholding the benevolent sexism trope of women being weak and needing to be protected by men.

Nicolas cantu makes a reappearance and screenshots dreams reply and tweeting it, then qrting his own tweet with a video of classical music and showing a text allegedly from dream (the name 'clay' at the top of the screenshot) saying 'tsk tsk whore' to someone. The video also has a clip from when dream was in mcc with captainsparklez and said 'we should lynch them' in reference to i think ppl allegedly cheating?.

thats the most of it so far. although robbo and dream continued to argue and at one point dream said he was going to sue them for slander/defamation and robbo qrted with 'sue me.' theres more to that bit but im not puttin screenshots this shit is already too long

anyways. my final opinion: i literally odnt know like half what happening here or if nicolas cantu really was racist or if that screenshot was 'real' and cantu said he wouldnt reveal who the friend dream called a whore is cuz he dont want to pull her into this. so im like what. but dream gettin clapped by nicolas is fucking hilarious and dream pullin the suing thing again is wild. i seen ppl in qrts saying how he already said he was gonna sue amanda and didnt, sayin he instantly pulled the dms w cantu but wont show the evidence showin amanda lied, etc. and those r a lot of what i think a this like. i feel he got angry and exploded again when eh coulda let it die out. but that always happens

[lemongogo]

have u evr thoight abt livio and vash together (not romantically like in a found family way) post trimax bc i think about it a Lot

evvery day of my goddamn life . i think about them.every second of eveyr minute. LIKE ALL THE TIMEEE !! THEY ARE SOOO SPECIAL TO MEE

anyone whos been following me for a while knows i LOVEEEE imperfect , tense relationships . be them familial, romantic , platonic , etc . i love when two people have to work around each other and come to a common understanding . i like when their experiences are so wholly different that it bleeds into who they are and how they navigate the world . i like when the communication is faulty at best , messy . unpracticed . post-trimax and even post wolfwood death livio + vash consumes me @ my core . its been a while since ive read the manga so im probably very incorrect at reading their dynamics and have instead substituted it for my own fanon, but i like viewing their relationship to one another as something (initially) strained and (initially) distanced. you have these two people , effectively strangers to one another, bound by a common person who is no longer there. who ultimately understand the direction theyre headed in and whats required of them, but feeling so out of place by either their own internal struggles or by the pressure of the world around them . livio deals with the turmoil of what his and razlo’s involvement in nicholas’ death means . vash is left to bury his friend alone and spend the coming days alongside the man who’d killed him. and yet, vash, due to the nature of his cause and love for humanity, forgives him. cooks for him. and livio and razlo learn to let themselves be forgiven. to grow from past traumas and feel deserving of good things. its not an easy path for either of them, but they do it. for themselves, for each other, for meryl, millie, for chronica and her sisters, for humans ^__^! for nicholas!!! and its soo .. GOOD.. ITS SOO HEARTY TO MEE .. the way that vash and livio so openly struggle in the chapters following ch.65, but ultimately learn to come to terms with the idea of loss, of responsibility, love, community, etc. I KNOW U R TALKING ABT POST TRIMAX HELP MEE but i like how trigun so succinctly sets up this foundation for them to beee .. close in the way i’d like to imagine. i just lovee .. the bond they wld share in having both loved / cared for nicholas . and how that gave them resolvee !! how that gave them cause for action . motivation or determination if u will. they r so bound by loss and so inextricably changed by it that when i think of them post-trimax, i think of them like two wilted weeds that have grown thru the sidewalk crack , together . they are damaged , incomplete . unsure of so many tjings , but they r ……. MY GODDDDDDD !!!sry its like . man . MANN… kiryu gif of him punching the table . MAKE ME CRAZYYYYY . in a post trimax world , they are so emotionally linked . TO MEE .. IN MY LITTLE WORLD .. they mean more to each other than words can describe . and pains me in a sense to know that .. there will be a time where livio, razlo, and vash know each other more than they ever had the chance of knowing nicholas. and i think that so bittersweet . and special. I LOVEE IT . they give me very like .. silent affirmation , comfort through physical presence kind of warmth . like they dont have to say anything to know what they mean to each other and thats ok ^__^!

my favorite & i mean FAVORITEEEE PAGE!!! is the one in which they talk atop the building before their final battle and share their sorrows indirectly. LIKE THTS SOMETHIG AB THEM THAT DRIVES ME CRAZYYY!! the fact that both of them cannot refer to nicholas by name . its He. Him. That event , you know the One . they recognize parts of themselves in each other

LIKE I KEEP THIS SC ON MEEE . ALL THE TJME BC I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IVE PROBABLY POSTED IT A MILLION TIMES BY NOWW

“when you are linked by something so strong in your hearts, it doesnt need to be said anymore” U R FUCKIG KIDDDING MEEEEEEEE . i lvoe thm godd . T___T

[percexe]

I NEED MORE SAWYER ART AND FACTS ABOUT HIM.

:)

pls?

ANYTHING FOR THE SAWYERHEADS

they do in fact use they/them pronouns

very recently turned 16 when the plot begins. their birthday is 4/20 because when i originally made them in middle school i included "was bullied for having weed birthday" (FOR SOME REASON) which i now find hilarious. inside joke with myself

child of tyche like i said before, and possesses an insane ability to manipulate chances. quite literally the luckiest person on the planet, and has the inflated ego to match

sawyers weapon is something i need to properly design, but its cool so im gonna mention it here. it was a trick weapon (a la riptide, thalia's shield, etc etc any transforming weapons) that was cursed to never work properly. it was a coin, where if you flipped it and got heads you'd have a functioning weapon, but tails would be something stupid like a rubber chicken. it sat in the attic for years until sawyer came along, and since they can manipulate probability, they can just use it normally and avoid the curse

sawyer isnt a year-rounder, but is slowly becoming one because they keep coming to camp earlier and staying for longer. it seems like they just "dont jive with the mortal world", but doesnt bring it up much

banned from a lot of camp games, because they kept winning by stupid means then gloating about it after. people made a petition to keep them from playing capture the flag indefinitely because their dumb luck victories were messing with both sides win streaks

very recently got chosen to go on their first quest, which is very fun and exciting. surely nothing will go wrong

i love them dearly

bad mspaint doodle for good measure

[lemmetreatya]

idk why but I would love to see Eren, Connie, Jean, etc. working as security guards lmao! I just feel like they would be very unserious.

girl?!?!?! you already know the diabolically STEWPID shit they’d get up to 😭😭

the three of them would be the late night shifters so most the stuff they get up to would take up most of their time

have a feeling theyd be security guards for like a hotel or something so a job where most people aren’t disturbing them at that time of night

but man the antics theyd get up to?? so bold in how theyd hop into the kitchen and start cooking up a storm with the continental breakfast that’s for the customers in the morning

frying up about 5 sausages, bacon and eggs each 😭😭 drinking up all the cereal and milk whilst they play loud drill via connie’s phone in an empty cup for a speaker

since theres barely any trouble around that time, they’d watch F1 and UFC matches on the display tv in the reception area — feet kicked up on the desk as they gamble and make bets between each other

there’d only be two hotel staff onsight and most of the time hotel night workers are getting linen and press ready for the morning and working on imports, so if theres trouble within the hotel, they’re first port of call

and ofc sometimes people be smoking up in the rooms and doing things against the rules and theyd have to sort it out — and they always take that job SO seriously 😭😭

“hey, guys?”

the soft voice of the team member petra called out towards the three men who were loitering by the reception.

turning round with his thumbs round his belt loops, connie nodded upwards at her

“yo, wassup?”

shifting her weight from foot to foot, the ginger haired girl looked nervous as she said her next words

“uhm… someones smoking in room 312. i knocked for them to open up so, so that they…so i could tell them to stop but they didn’t—”

eren cuts in to put his hand up in petra’s face, his expression serious.

“don’t worry. we’re on it.” turning round to jean, eren throws him his lighter. “which plan we doing tonight?”

jean catches erens lighter with one hand whilst he places down his plate of food with the other.

“they sound hostile so maybe C. although let’s try A2 first, just to avoid filling out any risk assessment sheets.”

these men would purposely intimidate anyone who tried this shit. they’d ask the hotel staff to ring up the name of the individual who booked the rooms, they’d put their walkie talkies on loud so they could sound like cops communicating to each other — gosh they’d even rapt the doors with their knuckles, ears to the wood, and put on fake authoritarian tones

theyd definitely play good cop bad cop whilst the other confiscates shit off them, pretending to be on their side

“look if you just give me the roll ups, ill tell the staff not to put a flag under your account name, alright?”

they dont give two DAMNS about that shit, they just see it as a way to get free cigarettes/weed/poppers

although all three of them are still great guys to have as security staff! if there’s anyone in a vulnerable position that runs to them for help, they’re on it!

working in a hotel means they see a lot of people coerced into rooms and situations they either dont want to be in or not in the right mind to be in

even tho they like to play cop, when the actual cops come, they make sure they protect those who are the victim in the situation or the ones who didn’t instigate

“so you didn’t see the person who totalled the car come this way?”

connie juts his bottom lip out as he shakes his head

“nah man. as i said, i heard a loud screech, ran outside to check, saw a turned over car, but when i checked the car? nobody.”

the cop eyes connie up and down before scribbling in his notepad.

“alright, if you say so.” he pockets the book in his back pocket. “but if you see anything, you’ll say right?”

“of course officer! totally officer!” he lies

little did he know, jean was attending to the light wounds of the woman behind the desk of the reception whilst eren was using her phone to call her sister to come pick her up

all in all, theyd still do their job to the standard they should!!

they definitely conspire with each other beforehand when they each log in their timetable dates so they can be on the same shift

but theyre good pals regardless and even if its just two of them on a shift its still a vibe lool

[guerrillateezsworld]

tokio hotel reacting to you getting high after a bad day + how’d they comfort you

request: okay so th boys how they would react to (fem) reader getting high with them and like she has a bad trip and stuff and how they would comfort her and stuff ykkk(also they are dating her and just 🍃don’t do hard crack yall)

a/n: THIS IS JUST A REQUEST. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS AT ALL AND THIS IS PURELY FOR FUN AND IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANY HARM!! also i mixed some of the stuff up like she comes home from work, bad trip, bad errands, etc.

warnings: 2007!tokio hotel, use of weed, fem!reader, cursing, reader has a bad day, reader asks to get high with them, DONT SMOKE WEED!! I DONT CONDONE THIS!! PURE FICTION!!

——————————————

tom kaulitz

-you came home from work, clearly in a bad mood and not wanting to be fucked with. that’s when he comes up to you and kisses your forehead to try and calm you down. “my love, what happened today?” he asks, trying to be as normal as he can. (i feel like that tom isn’t the best with comforting people. like he sincerely tries but fails a lot because it’s just not his forte. but for his lover he will definitely try to work on his comforting skills for you) you give him a small smile, but he knew it wasn’t really a “real” smile as some would say. “you know you can tell me anything” he pats your shoulder with a sympathetic smile. “ugh, it’s a lot so i’ll shorten it for you. so these stupid bitches, irene and lindsey, were trying to take over everything. keep in mind, they’re like technically new here soooo i don’t know why they were tryna be like this-“ and on and on. you were gonna make it short but ended up telling him EVERYTHING, which took like an hour to his surprise. to add on, you shocked him with what you said next. “wanna get high with me?” you ask, seriously looking at him. boy was he shocked. he knows you smoke but he’s never seen you do it before because you usually distance yourself, so this shook him a little. “uhh yeah, sure. do i need to roll one?” he asks. “nah, i got it. i’ll be back” you say and go to your room. you come back after a few minutes, now with a big genuine smile on your face. “just a small one will do for now, i don’t need too much with how i am right now” you giggle. with that, you guys just chill and smoke the night away. this was definitely needed as you slept so good that night with tom by your side.

bill kaulitz

when you came back from the store, you were pissed. not like crazily but you sure were a lot. you came home, sat the bags down, and plopped down onto the couch with a loud groan. bill heard you and came in to check on you. “babe, you okay?” he asks and sits on the floor by your head as you’re pretty much taking up the whole couch. you lift your head up and shake your head. “not really, people just really wanted to test me today, and to add onto that, i couldn’t find a lot of what i was looking for for and you know how pissed that makes me.” you explain, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself down. he nods, seemingly understanding your situation. “yeah i understand. people can be like that. i’m sorry you had to deal with that sweetheart” he smiles making you smile back. you pull him in for a hug to thank him, which he returns. “i love you bill” you smile. “i love you too sweetheart” he smiles back. what you didn’t expect was that bill pulled something out of his pocket. “let’s go to the balcony and chill out, i’m sure you’d need this” he shows me a blunt. you cant help but let a smile break through as you stand up and walk to the balcony with him. “thanks bill, i really appreciate this. i definitely needed this after the day i just had. next time, you should probably go with me so i don’t throw hands or something” you laugh, taking a puff and passing it to bill who takes it. “yeah i probably should, can’t have my girl getting into a fight. although that would probably be very hot” he gives you a teasing smile to which you softly swat at his arm. “yeah yeah” you reply, playfully rolling your eyes. he just smiles back and you guys smoke and head back inside. “i think i’m gonna take a nap now. i need a little refresher” you smile. “i’m coming with”

gustav scháefer

just my opinion and everyone has theirs, but i feel gustav isn’t the one to get high. like im sure he would maybe once every few months but definitely not all the time.

anyways, back to the head canon thingy.

you’ve been gone for almost week visiting your family, and boy were you ready to go home. you loved it there, but this time it was different and you didn’t like it. when you got home, you immediately threw your bags onto the ground and went straight to your room. you didn’t know that gustav had a day off so it was a surprise when you saw him laying in bed. he seemed to notice you and he got up to greet you. of course you have to do it back because he’s you’re boyfriend. “welcome back meine liebe (my love)” he smiles. “thanks gustav, but i’m just not in the mood right now. that was the most stressful week of my life” you breathe out, feeling warm from gustav’s hug. “why’s that? do you wanna talk about it?” he asks softly while leading you to your bed. “i don’t mind to. normally when i go visit my family i love it, but this time it wasn’t the same. it was like everyone was out of place, more arguments than normal, asking me too many personal questions to where i was uncomfy, and no one was prepared. it was just a lot and i felt like something had to have happened between them to act like that. but at least im home now” you let out a sigh, gustav continuing to feel worse. “im glad you’re home y/n so you don’t have to worry now. hopefully they realize what they were doing wrong and apologize” he smiles sympathetically. “yeah. i’m gonna go smoke. would you like to join me?” you ask with a smile. “normally i say no, but if this will help you feel better than sure” he laughs and you get up to roll it. you come back with a small blunt and a lighter. “good thing we have a balcony” you laugh, lighting it and walking outside, taking a long drag before handing it to gustav who does the same.

georg listing

-he’s the other one that i feel like doesn’t smoke much. still more than gustav but still not much at all.

you had just gotten back from a job interview. as you walked through the door, georg was standing there with a big smile ready to congratulate you. but when he saw your frustrated face, his smile dropped and so did his heart. “babe.. are you okay?” he asks quietly, hoping you don’t flip out on him. you walk past him with a sigh. “yeah, i guess so. i don’t think they’ll wanna hire me now and i’m not sure if i wanna work there anymore” you shake your head, plopping down on to the couch. “why’s that?” he sits next to you, rubbing your back as you lean onto him. “well, i was late due to traffic, i was really nervous, i kept messing up my words, some of my stuff didn’t apply to them, and others. now i just feel like shit and i definitely don’t wanna work there now” you sigh, leaning back on the couch. “hey that’s normal, love. it happens and it’s never not gonna happen. you just have to find what’s right for you, which can take time but you just have to be patient.” he softly pats your back, making you smile a little. “yeah, thanks georg, i really appreciate it. but do you mind if i go smoke? you’re welcome to join” you look up at him. “yeah go ahead sweetheart. and i probably won’t join tonight but maybe next time. i’ve not been feeling the best. enjoy your time” he smiles, wrapping his arms around you and engulfing you in a big hug. “are you sure georg? it’ll keep your mind off of it. and if you do get sick from it, i’ll be by your side to help” you pout, hoping it’ll make him join you. he groans, “fine, you know i can’t resist those eyes” he smiles making you hug him. “i’ll be right back babe” you get up and run to your room and come back out with your stuff. “let’s do this” you smile. “can’t wait to hear what you have to say while you’re high out of your mind” he laughs making you roll your eyes. “oh shut it” you can help but giggle with him.

—————————————

okay i’m finally finished!! like i said, I DONT CONDONE THIS AT ALL!! THIS IS PURE FICTION!!

[sw33t-oubliette]

bi people cant flirt normally its always some shit like "why did i come back here?" "to uh. drink?" "back to hatchetfield. i spent the first 18 years if my life trying to get out of this place, shouldve just stayed in guatemala. i mean yeah theyve got volcanoes and coatimundis everywhere but uh-" "whats a coatimundi?" "oh, its like a little raccoon thing. they get into shit, people hate em, but at least they dont sing and dance" "so is that was drove you back to hatchetfield? coatimundis, up in your shit?" "no, no, it was uh my sister, jane. she was the good one. she had this um, lisa frank binder when she was little where she mapped out her entire life and i swear to god she stuck to it. bullet point by bullet point, it was like job, husband, house, kids, and you know when one sisters so on top of her game it kinda demands that the other one be a total fuck up, right?" "what is yin without yang?" "thats what im saying! yeah man, she was off doing life and i was doing, something else. backpacking mostly, and she would call me and you know, invite me home for big events, you know, weddings, baby showers, id always say oh, sorry ill catch the next one! but um, then when i got the invitation to her funeral i was like oh, there wont be a next one." "oh- im sorry." "hey, you didnt crash into her car. anyway, uh, its weird growing up in someone elses shadow because when theyre gone the light shines on you for the first time, and it does not look good. so, there i was, 30, with no roots anywhere except hatchetfield, so i thought uh, well im gonna make something of myself, you know do something my sister would be proud of, enroll in a community college, study botany, im gonna start a pot farm." "oh. did your sister smoke a lot of pot?" "no, but weed's the future, its gonna be legal nationwide soon, bet you any money! not that it matters anymore. man, my whole life my one goal was to avoid dying in hatchetfield and, here we are." "hey, it could be worse. you could be dying in clivesdale." "fuck clivesdale!" "fuck em!" "you know uh, all things considered, i like hatchetfield. yeah, been here my whole life, born and bred. never wanted to leave, still dont." "hey, we're the same age, how come i never knew you in highschool?" "you probably went to hatchetfield high, i went to sycamore." "fuckin timberwolves! we hated you guys!" "we hated ourselves! so uh, back at beanies you said you were in your highschool production of brigadoon?" "hey, i was bonnie jean!" "that was 2003 right? i actually saw you in brigadoon." "no shit!" "yes shit! yeah! uh, we didnt have a theatre program in our school, so i guess to make us feel like crap they bused us over to watch your show. it was the first musical i ever saw. i hated it. thats probably the start of my whole thing, youre the reason i dont like musicals!" "woah, thats like your origin story." "yeah!" "so i guess im the supervillain?" "i dont think of you like that at all emma."

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

LIGHTS, CAMERAS, ACTION - BEING YOUR MOST MAGNETIC, PHOTOGENIC SELF ; MANIFESTATION 101

Hey ! So I wanted to share my thoughts on being more magnetic with your persona and growing into your most photogenic self. As someone who didn't like taking pictures, and was always stuck with the same selfie pics being shot from my left angle I had decided to put myself into different boxes until I eventually stuck my foot out of them. At some point, I felt rather estranged to photography, not liking how I looked or felt and my my my did it show on camera. I had a vision of me being my most picturesque, most striking, beautiful self, and knew that if my mind could see it then it meant it we're possible. And I mean, to be honest, I had done it so many times before I was just unaware of it. And for me, even when your unaware of it the potential is there, it just needs more work.

So now, I'm ready to share what I've learned with obtaining a more photogenic persona. If you've had dreams of being a supermodel, a star or someone who just likes to be photographed a lot then this is for you. I'll try to make this super sweet and easy for you guys and give some tips on how to manifest your best photogenic self.

First tip : Start small. Get that camera phone and start taking pictures from unusual angles.

Sometimes it hurts to see ourselves in a way that doesnt match the vision we see for ourselves and thats okay. It takes work and practice but don't give up..

Now if you didn't like some of the pictures, what emotion do you feel? Shame? embarassed? cringey? I ask because our emotions play heavily into our reflection, and a lot of how you feel can reflect back to you on the photo.

When you're looking straight into the mirror, you gotta feel it. Feel allll of it. And leave no crumbs.

If you're not use to feeling like your 'that girl' then baby you gotta make it that way. I aint never said it would be easy, but I never said it could get difficult. Be a star! DONT BE AFRAID TO SHIT ON EM!!!!

Now when focusing on trying to manifest this desire, who are some super models, ig babes, or people who inspire you to be more photogenic look like? Vision boards are a great way to create a space for your vision to come to light because the focus is on the energy and less on the individual of liking.

When meditating on your desire, affirmations around photoshoots, feeling beautiful, and being a model work to the t. It's even best to program your mind into believing them while doing the thing.

So when your practicing, challenge your mind while focusing on some new poses. Your mind will begin to follow divine instruction through intuitive based thinking and you'll flow deeper into the subject at hand. No need to control every aspect, this is simply watering a plant. We got to plant the seed just to see it through babies.

Play with yourself, baby you gotta have fun! I wan't yall to shake off those insecurities because I promise you the roots of them aren't from your own tree. So weed them out and start all over. You deserve to see yourself in a new, beautiful light. This is your world, we just livin' in it.

It all starts off with the poses, make them worth it! Whenever you feel uncomfortable thats when you keep going because THAT'S what starts this train up until we get ready to go into the finish line. Like I said before, this doesn't come easy if you're not use to allowing yourself to freely pose and feeling good as hell while doing it.

You manifest it by forcing yourself into this new formation. When you look into the camera, you need to feel that you are the supermodel of the moment. Even if it doesn't feel real, even if you have to fight with yourself. The thing is. We are born with a certain ability to manifest the desires of our reality. Everything can be ours, if you just see it through.

Mirror Magic should be one of the main focus for practicing and developing your skill. Because the camera is reflecting back to you what you see. You ever took a picture of yourself and just hated it, but other people did? It starts with how your mind reacts to certain things based of emotion. So when I say try focusing on poses and doing affirmations in the mirror I want you to appreciate your beauty and also understand that your beauty is indescribable and can't be duplicated. I want more of y'all to understand that your thoughts can sometimes play tricks on you... so if you feel like you're not photogenic than your commiting to downplaying yourself and thats the lowest frequency to be on. You get what I mean?

Being confident puts you in a neutral/higher frequency than most, so you always gotta stand ten toes on your magic, your beauty, your essence, and your light. I hope this message can help a babe be her most photogenic self. Have fun, and be yourself! Bye babies.

[uchiha-slut-fiction]

I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen off the face of the earth for the last 7 months but I’m back bitches! Y’all ready for some Shikaku headcanons? I never see enough love for that absolute dilf. Enjoy!

🍃Sfw🍃

Favorite movie is “O brother, where art thou?”. He’s the type.

Is definitely a morning cuddler. He wouldn’t be hard to convince to stay in bed for a few more minutes just to be close to his s/o.

Wants to learn all your hobbies and interests.

Prefers to eat out as he isn’t the best cook.

Is chivalrous but not because he thinks they can’t do it themselves or that they’re weak. He just respects the hell out of his s/o.

Would love nights reading and drinking together alone.

Would set aside specific days of the week to do things with his s/o. I mean, he would be planning whole dates and events to go to.

While he loves to go out and have a good time he stays at home a lot of the time. It’s quiet, peaceful, and you can’t possibly get caught up in things.

Has a huge record collection. I believe he would listen to an assortment of artists. His main artists would probably be something like: The Doors, Pink Floyd, The Civil Wars, Gorillaz, Rammstein, etc.

Smells like teakwood and spearmint. Fresh and woodsy.

Follows a pretty basic skincare routine. Facewash, moisturizer, spf. The basics. It’s basically all you need anyway.

Prefers beer to liquor. He would probably drink a stout.

A great hunter obviously. Only hunts for eating purposes and they use all parts of the animal.

Secretly reads poetry. He loves it. Makes him feel something.

Protective as hell but nobody would ever know it. He would be subtly watching over his s/o. He doesn’t want to get in the way or seem overbearing. He just worries.

Open to having more children if that’s what his s/o wants. He secretly wants a girl. He’s had his boy and it was fun. However, would be soooo excited to be a girl dad.

✨Nsfw✨

Daddy Daddy Daddy

He’s so soft for his s/o. He essentially worships the ground they walk on so whatever they ask, he’s gonna fulfill that.

Dominate but in the sweetest way. He will most definitely choke and spank you but he’s gonna give the sweetest praises while doing so.

He’s a man who eats pussy for himself. He loves the way his s/o sounds. The way they move and react. It’s addictive.

Eats ass. Enough said.

He doesn’t give a fuck, he loves outdoor sex. Just being out in the open. So much room. So much potential for getting caught. It’s perfect.

He loves to let his s/o put makeup on him. He thinks eyeliner looks sexy on him. And it does. He knows he’s hot. He’s gonna make sure to smear his lipstick between their thighs too.

Loves facefucking. Obviously he doesn’t want to make them throw up or hurt them, but the gagging and struggle he can’t help but find sexy.

Loves buying and picking out lingerie for his s/o. He doesn’t care about the looks he gets at the sex shops.

Definitely doesn’t mind being called daddy. It would only take the once and he’d probably lose his shit. (In the best way possible)

He doesn’t moan or whimper in bed but he is vocal. He talks a lot. When he thinks back on the filthy things that come from his mouth during sex it makes even him blush.

Loves hidden hickeys. He likes to mark his territory without broadcasting it everywhere. He still respects them after all.

Would love to get his s/o off while they read to him. He’d make a game out of it.

Would smoke weed with his s/o during sex. (It would so be legal in konoha dont @ me )

Thank you guys! Hope you enjoyed. As always, feel free to request and I’ll try to get to it.

[carpisuns]

hello! i saw your tags on that ''if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills'' post, and i just wanted to say that i love your writing SO much!!! like.. all of your fics that ive read are so good!!!!!!!! whether youre aiming for a more silly, goofy vibe or heart-shattering angst you do it so well and im amazed at your talent!

''tell me something i dont know'' is one of my all time favourite fics and i remember how much i enjoyed reading it (and crying my eyes out at 2 am adjahsf), and ''where roses bloom'' absolutely broke my heart in the best way possible!! And i loved your collab fic with botherkupo, ''two idiots and a hamster'' SO much, i seriously had to try very hard not to laugh ahdjskdhf. OH and im not in the toh fandom, but i did read ''The Death-Defying Flirting Methods of Captain Willow Park'' and i really really enjoyed it!! like i said, you write both angst, humor and romance so well and your writing is such a beautiful mix of everything!

Youre one of my fav writers on here, and i think that no matter what your goals are for writing, they definetely leave a big impact on your readers- your fics have made me laugh, cry and quite frankly im obsessed with them! I know insecurities dont simply Vanish from one ask lol, but i hope you know how much you and your fics (AND your art and just. in general youre such a nice person) mean to me, and all your other readers! <3333333

I kept this in my inbox for a bit bc it’s just so kind and I didn’t know how to respond 🥺 and then I started answering but didn’t finished and saved it in my drafts and forgot SHSJSK anyway. Thank you so so much!!!!

i reblogged that post kind of in solidarity with other writers cause i know insecurity is something everyone deals with. it’s weird because I feel like at all times I’m simultaneously confident and insecure about my writing lol. I have enough experience/training that I know I can like put together sentences and paragraphs lol but I still fret over pacing and style and characterization and stuff like that a lot. the insecurities make me feel kind of silly bc I feel like at this point i should be over them!!! but I can’t help worrying about how my work will be received by the audience. i am always at least a little nervous to post something new, and sometimes I am very nervous! Cause I just don’t know if it’s gonna land the way I intended.

And the most frustrating part for me is when I read something REALLY good and sometimes feel like pouty and jealous I guess lol going “ugh I could never write like that! I should just give up!” I feel like such a baby!! but I get over it quickly and I’m sure I’m not the only one who falls victim to Pouty Little Binch syndrome. (I mean I hope I’m not the only one or that would be extra pitiful 😂)

Anyway it helps me to remind myself that it’s a good thing that I don’t write the same way my fav writers write! we all have our own ways of thinking and expressing ourselves, and even when we take inspiration from someone else, the Us-ness of our work is always gonna come through. If that makes sense. like if my fav writer is So-and-So, it’s really awesome and cool to enjoy the So-and-So-ness of their work and break down why I enjoy it so much and even incorporate some So-and-So-type flavors in my own writing, but at the end of the day my writing will always be full of carpisuns-ness and that’s cool too! I just think as creators we are so close to our own work and we’re so in the weeds about it that we don’t get a clear view of it like a reader does when they’re coming to it fresh, and that makes us sometimes judge it unkindly. More often than not, your work is better than you think it is. Sometimes when a creator I admire feels down about their work I just wish I could let them borrow my eyes and see it how I see it, because it’s really amazing and makes me feel so much!!

Anyway, I probably got off topic lol but I just wanted to shout out to all the writers who are feeling down about their work. You are doing amazing sweetie!! Better than you think. Dont stop writing.

this is seriously such a kind message and it means so much to me that you would take the time out of your day to write this! 🥺💜 people like you who go out of their way to make others feel good are such a treasure. Im glad you enjoyed those fics!! And that u even read one of my toh fics when you’re not in the fandom? aaaa I’m honored! Blowing u kisses

[kate-les-bridge-stewart]

I recently discovered @grandadtwelve 's wacky polycule au and it inspired me to make up a slightly weirder au cus that's what I do best

I'm gonna include twissfle and osgate cus all of them are objectively hot as fuck

Warning this will mention vaping briefly so if you dont like that just be warned

Also be warned this is mostly just gonna be me projecting my depression onto all of these characters (but mostly clara, osgood and kate)

So in this 12 clara and missy are all dating and osgood and kate are secretly dating

In this clara is chronically depressed and vapes to cope

Shes basically the depressed friend who always has dark circles under their eyes and is fucking hilarious

Shes also luciferian cus why not lol

Bill is here too

Bill is a poor college student who's Clara's gay bff

Who am I kidding nobody in this au is straight

I may as well just list them

Clara - bi and she/they gender questioning, possibly genderfluid

12 - he/they agender, pan and demisexual

Missy - she/her pansexual

Kate - she/her bi (leaning more towards women)

Osgood - any pronouns GNC lesbian

When I said nobody was straight I mean it

So in this au missy is less, well, abusive to clara since obviously they love each other

And I think shed empathize a lot with Clara's struggle with depression

I'll expand on Clara's depression a bit more but itll include mentions of sh so I'll put that in another post with a warning

Missy still teases obviously but shell occasionally "check in" on clara in subtle ways

12 is his usual self, completely clueless when it comes to affection and just a general goofball

I decided to add that hes into more heavy metal cus why not lol

River pops into their little polycule every now and then for a quick fuck

Clara, bill and missy may or may not get together to get more stoned than a fucking quarry every weekend

Bill has a little side gig where she may or may not grow and sell weed

Dont mess with 12 and his 2 weed smoking girlfriends

As for osgate, kate canonically has 2 sons, Gordon or Gordy (19) and Harry (they dont actually have a canon name so I'm giving them one) (15)

Given that osgood has been dating kate for about a year she found it much easier to adapt to parenthood with already grown kids, she doesnt know if shed be able to handle young kids lol

Kate and osgood are huge movie buffs and love watching and critiquing movies/tv shows together

Their favorite show is breaking bad cus of course it is lol

Osgood is autistic and one of their hyper fixations is on minecraft but specifically advanced redstone engineering

One of the biggest ways she bonds with the kids was thru gaming

Shes a pretty serious gamer too lol

Shes played skyrim, oblivion, fallout 4 and new Vegas, GTA 5, most of the doom games including the classics, smash bros (which she loves playing with the kids), overwatch, and a shitload more

Being a technician she naturally has a super advanced pc setup which is duelly a gaming setup

She built Harry and Gordy's pcs with them and it spawned some of their favorite memories together

Back to talking twissfle, Missy will occasionally let harry and Gordy take a ride in her tardis as a treat

Clara always makes sure to supervise for obvious reasons

Clara is like the cool aunt that always has a cigarette (or in this case a vape) in her mouth and will let Harry have a sip of her wine when the parents arent looking

That's all I've got for now lol

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

I dont think anyone else has noticed this tho im sure you have (namely the people acting like clowns in the titanic tag, not you) but the 19yr old did not want to go on that sub, he was terrified and only did it to make his dad happy..idk.. it is very tragic and upsetting and even more so that people seem to ignore this and keep going on their weird jokes about the entire thing, saying how they all wanted to go when no, the 19yr old did not want to at all. I think going down was totally uncalled for, I think stock rush got four people killed and he is terrible for that and deserved what happened to him, i think it is sick he turned a mass grave site into a tourist attraction for bored rich people..but I think people just heard the word rich for these other four and just right away assumed they deserved to die when idk...I did some reading on each of them and they, aside from the obvious ick of being rich, seemed like decent people who made a very very poor choice and trusted the wrong person which led to them dying. the paul guy was (correct me if im wrong) a well respected titanic researcher for over 30yrs, the british man was trying to make flying more sustainable for the planet and such (again correct me if wrong) and the dad and son seemed to do a lot of charity work and were overall kind people..but yeah they seemed like far better people then most celebs people love so the entire thing rubs me wrongly, two things can coexist, the entire thing was wrong and not ok and stock was sick for what he did and his death was justified, but I also have a hard time believing the other four truly deserved to die (Sorry this is random just wanted to hear your thoughts!) :)

ive written the reply to this about five times now because i also struggle with my feelings based around what happened.

on one hand, i do genuinely feel for them, especially suleman dawood who was a 19-year-old kid. i think youd have to lack a heart to not feel for him.

on the other, i fully understand where people are coming from when they dont give a shit about them. two of them were billionaires and the other two were multi-millionaires. i come from a working class background and a single-parent family so it is difficult to feel bad for someone with that much money dying because of a decision they made.

but that doesnt mean i dont feel bad for them, because i do. five human beings died and i just naturally feel for them even though my conscious brain struggles to keep up with that emotion.

and as youve said, some of them seemed to genuinely do good things.

sulemans father shahzada funded mental healthcare for pakistani citizens during covid-19 and was looking into renewable energy.

paul-henri nargeolet had been involved in underwater searches for rms carpathia as well as a flight recorded from a plane that crashed though both were unsuccessful. hed also found a roman wreck as well as an aircraft that had crashed in 1979, giving some closure to the families of those who had perished. he has done a lot of important research on the titanic.

iirc hamish hardings company action aviation has helped the indian government and a namibian cheetah conservation company to reintroduce cheetahs to india, which is objectively a very good thing.

its difficult to parse through how you feel about the disaster because people are messy, and they do both good and bad things.

i dont think i know enough about any of the four adults aboard to say whether the good theyve done outweighed the bad, and whether other people even care about that when it comes to their feelings about this.

the one i know for sure that i dont feel bad for is stockton rush because this was entirely his fault.

im not gonna get into the weeds as to why exactly titan was badly designed, but to save money and for "simplicity", he employed some experimental techniques like the use of carbon fibre and the pressure pod (i hope i have the right word here) being cylindrical. he ignored regulations and laws, he used expire carbon fibre, and he turned a mass gravesite into a tourist spot.

and i hate him even more for how he designed oceangate. the way they work is that each dive would technically be research-based, but to fund it (even though rush is a multi-millionaire), they would allow people to buy tickets to come along. and i hate this more than if it was just tourism because the way hes tied them together has made it harder to criticise the dives because they have done important research.

i definitely he misled people because if you dont know about this sort of vessel, youre likely to defer to someone who helped to develop it.

however, i would err on the side of both harding and nargeolet knowing how unsafe it was. nargeolet had done countless dives just like it and he was in this world where people were saying this isnt safe. we also know that harding knew because his friend victor vescovo, who found the deepest shipwreck in the world (the samuel b roberts), told him that it was unsafe, but harding went anyway.

ive kinda just been rambling in my reply because i do feel torn about it. people died and i struggle not to feel for them, even if my logical brain is arguing with that. i think many people struggle to believe anyone deserves to die because were humans and we are meant to care about each other. its how we survived as a species for so long. but there are people in this world where if they died, the world would objectively be a better place.

at the end of the day, im not the authority on how anyone feels about this and i dont begrudge anyone for their feelings. the world is not black and white, and so much exists in the morally grey area.

youre entitled to feel however you do, anon. dont let others make you feel bad about it.

[midnightmisadventures]

Okay heres the dream

The first thing i remember is being on a campus of sorts. With the basement girls, it was warm, it was summery, i felt pretty, truly just my dream. Very good sunny, playful “i love being alive” vibes. 

We were passing through this baseball field that players were practicing at. And as we’re passing claire points out like omg that was Liam and......i genuinely think arod?? in the dugout but not as a celebrity just someone we knew of who played baseball. Which is embarrassing bc i was just looking at 90s pictures of derek jeter and arod. 

anyway, we were like omg in a nervous way, like i was nervous and overthinking but we’re scurrying along and the ball which is more like a kickball or soccer ball comes directly towards me. And im like “bro of course” like i dont wanna embarrass myself or get hit by the ball. So it comes towards me, and its apparent i have to hit it in their direction so i do and as i do Liam shouts “hit it, stab it” and i shout back “i did” and it was nervewracking so we jogged away

“Your probably wondering why i said "someone play with love by harbor"

hahahha okay so next, we were on a bus?? Ive been on the school bus a lot in dreams lately. And....it was like we were going to school, to see that same play from my last dream type beat. I actually dont really know the contrext. But basically we loaded the bus, Liam was within the group. I wasnt sure if we were friends friends yet or i guess again. But i sat in the seat across from him and i realized my black and white flannel was there from the last time i was on the bus. And i was shocked and mad at myself for leaving it. So i was showing him like “omg, im such an idiot i can’t believe i left this here??” and he was so soft and so sweet and said “aw im sorry :(” and i was like “no its fine, i mean i found it thats good” and then he put out his arm and said he’d put it in his bag for safe keeping or something, and i was like “omg really?” and he said “yea of course” 

And i know that doesnt seem like much. But ive studied this kid to no end, i KNOW when he’s being genuine and soft and boyfriendy and how he expresses his affection when he cares. He just gets this protective aura and it was so cute because it felt like HIM. Ya know, like that was Liam, not just a dream, i felt it was him and i was taken aback because....well he hasnt been that soft towards me in a year. 

So then things escalated just naturally and we were spending more time together just in our regular actions. ‘

We were with this other couple. So it was four of us and it was def couple vibes for each pair. And they were like omg, like lets go to the car we’re gonna smoke you up? Or like they just invited us somewhere and told us to follow them and we didnt know it was for smoking yet. 

So they went first and we see them in the car smoking and liam and i were walking and i kinda looked at him like “are...you gonna smoke?” cause i know he’s not right now. I wasnt sure. 

I get into the backseat, and he opens the door on his side and....it was weird there like wasnt a lot of space so he was trying to move the seat up. And he was struggling with it so then he just gave up and poked his head in the car and said, “hey, you guys go on without me i’ll see you guys later” and he shut the door and went back inside. And i was so pouty, like awwww i don’t even care about smoking with these strangers i just want to hang out with him and be around him :( 

So immediately i knew i was just gonna try to take a few puffs and leave cause i didnt want him to think id rather be there then spend time with him. I literally said while holding the blunt like “thank you guys sm for the free weed but i just realized i kinda have to go too, so i have to leave in a few minutes”

I also knew that a few hits would get me super high and i didnt want to go back to Liam suuuper messy like without my wits. But the moment was cute. I left the car to try to find him. 

At this point we’re attached at the hip, being he’s being so sweet and soft im in love. I feel lucky, we never talked but i didnt care, i just felt so attracted to him and that everything i had wished for was finally coming true. 

In the car to go see sleeping beauty re rendered. I was thinking wow i always did dream about movie theaters maybe this is why it was significant. I;m on my way to a movie with liam rn

We were at this pavillion getting food in the plaza of the movie and the bball game. I saved Liam a seat and felt like a girlfriend. I was so excited to sit with him. So i got my plate with a friend i don’t know in real life?? 

He came over and i was pointing to the chair across from me, and he reached out and grabbed my had and started carressing it, looked me in the eye and said “bubba, im gonna go with the boys to get my seat” or something just to let me know he’s leaving. And i was so upset haha, we’re still rubbing our hands btw and im like “youre leaving?? what” pouting bc i was so excited to eat? dinner? with him? idk. 

And he explained like “yea the games gonna start soon and its gonna be packed we want seats” and for some reason i didnt realize the game and the movie overlapped so i was sad that we had to split up, bc for some reason i was tied to this movie with the girl. 

So i’m like “okay :( yea, i’ll see you later then at the game” and he was like yea 

Still holding my hand, and then he asked “have you eaten enough today, what have you eaten?” so soft and sweet like, i cant get it using words. I was melting it was so adorable. And i listed two things which was like a bagel and something else but it was early in the day so i said “not bad?” also considering i had a plate of food in front of me. 

And then when he approved lmao he said okay, and let my hand go and started walking away. But then i said "wait what about you?? Have you eaten today? Theres food here you can grab quick b4 you leave" and he just said, nah hes good. And went on and as soon as he went out of view me and the rando friend were like AHHHHH

Like i was freaking out just cause we had escalated so quickly and it made my heart so full but it was so new and unexpected and completely led by him so i hadnt had much time to process like mans just called me BUBBA AND KISSED MY HAND? IN A CUTE WAY THAT DIDNT MAKE ME CRINGE OR GET AN ICK

What

So me and the girl are laughing while i put my head in my hands and the first thing i said was "what do i DO about that holy shit"

And then i was basically spilling to her and saying i never get to talk about this with anyone like that was so insane and NOT precedented like i did not expect him to be caring enough about me to check if i ate. And even in our loviest times he was never so confident to show me affection in public (or anywhere)

And she was like omg im so excited i get to hear all the tea first, lets TALK

And i was like yea.... Well its cause youre not as close to the situation as *cough cough* bff is

Whatever.

Then apparently liam was hanging with angel from highschool and the girl new him and was texting him funny things and started talking about me to him just saying whatever idk

And i was like noooo wait thats so weird cause i know angel like.....so its weird. And she was so shocked like YOU KNOW ANGEL THATS CRAZY and starts texting him bunch and was about to shout to him "ANGEL ARIELLE JUST TOLD ME SHE KNOWS YOU-" before they walked too far away

And i know hes with liam and i dont want Liam to think that im talking about, or thinking about his friend. Because i know how jealous he is, and yea we werent dating but it would be like a slap in the face since he just kissed my hand and is putting in all this effort to be my protector

So i was like NOOOOOOO stop dont do that please please, Liam will literally kill himself dont

And i know it sounds crazy to try to block that interaction when it didnt mean anything just that i knew a guy 6 years ago

But one, yea Liam IS crazy lmao and two it made me have this weird wave of feelings in the dream on what it means to be a unit and being mindful of how single you appear to others and.....i know it sounds stupid, but i was just realizing ive never been a girlfriend ive never belonged to anyone and its something i have to be cognizant of

Theres was more. But im lazy and sad. Im having a depressive episode. Swipe up to the future cause this is an edit.

But anyway i think thats my point is that Liam came to visit me and was being sweet cause ive been down and unbelieving. Which is cute bc i know i set intention to do that for him when i can feel his energy is down

Also ive never ONCE thought about Angel for prob 7 years lmao i dont think that was a random dream character i think it was an....Angel

[theuniverseawakens347]

speech text…. But you just know when you see a person I’m trying to fuck you know what I mean or I’m trying to get to know you and take it slow or like when I met Tristan NIGGAS, I’m trying to do both of them things. 🙂

ya wan no bout Noah…. - HE A BITCH .., Cameron walker.

let’s dicet this homeless snack I just got … ya ready kids.. I’ll come back to him… THATS weird kinda how we had one n only smash n pass …. Ur it’s been a decade of flirting … YEAH BUT UR STALKING MY TUMBLR MEDIAAS AND TAKING MY PHOTOS THEN JUSTIN OF LONDON FAKING CONVOS - Morgan … your eyes are beautiful… NIGGAS BE AFRAID IMA TAKE THEY BITCH .. SPEECH TEXT ..

yeah, remember when you met Sydney and you change her name to cinnamon in your phone and it was like around Halloween weekend at CSU 2013 and I slept over in your dorm after Alyssa and I got kicked out of a party because the bitches were fucking didn’t want us to be there…. So I went back to your dorm to sleep with you that night and then all of a sudden you said you had to go pick up something or do something for somebody and you never came back the whole night and the next morning you came back and you had your pants missing, but she was sitting at the front door drunk as fuck Knigge and you left your phone inside the room with me And I went through your shit then too … which let me know you was a bitch … but this for me is like …. Practice of how to put my foot down in stiff arming a weirdo nigga bitch when I’m good and I mean IM GOOD. you struggle w the damn weirdo fuck on friend group ya choose … I tried putting you in a friend zone after lovers n it just was not my thing over time so 2013 - 2014… I fucked up TALKING w Preston ( ya loose ending me not putting gf on it ) n fucked once or twice but YOU STILL ON THE SAME WEIRDO SHIT w Kimora aaja … and you in competition w Korey but Keon on trying to fuck me cause that bitch a pass around like Alissa and Tyler from the wood … weird THIS BIRD DONT FLOCK LIKE YALL. ..

that wasn’t even my point… Noah DeCoursey I had my Chevy Cruz I believe end of March top of April. It doesn’t matter. I’m living with Daniel. I broke up with him. We’re not together. We’re not fucking on each other. This Knigge trying to eat on me and I’m telling him no I’m good. Go check your Instagram because you over there cheating with bitches you leave the house and say you’re going to work but you gonna go lay up with fucking Kyla I don’t fucking talk to that bitch AJ who look like me … so I hit up Noah Coursey anyways I picked that up from his mom’s house is 2018. It’s right before I got my Honda in a month before Cameron Walker so I picked you up from your mom’s house. We’re trying to find a spot to bust down, and we ended up in the parking lot of where I used to do my taxes with Lee garlington…

… anyways you asked when you visit me at CSN two times if you could buzz down, I said no the second time you kissed me. It wasn’t giving what you thought it was you try to bust me down in the backseat of the car. I said you don’t have a condom so I’m good. … but you brought it again and I said no you don’t have another one. I’m good…. But before we got there whipped your dick out for me suck you said me hard. I said that’s weird. I’m not gonna do that. He should already be there. You begged me for sex…. so ya ate it was good.. then bust then I dropped you at home n went sleep after my blunt … and ya tried that dumbass shit again 2 nights before t ab and I licked linked for good. that’s weird …. That Friday U CAUGHT THE VIBE THAT I SWITCHED TO HIM ON SIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU … also 2017 before my jobs on 3rd street U SENT HIM TO ME TO SELL WEED.., n I dropped em bc u told him I wanted to fuck.. NO I NEED A DEALER … taxes was high tf … anyways … cut to 2020 summer and again you’re back in town. You’re trying to ask me if I can take care of your cat cause you just move back from Hawaii I said I don’t have anyone or anything but let me know if something comes up and you need my help and then it turned into I want to hang out with you and I said yes because I just broke up with mom and it’s weird and Shanice just moved in and we need something to do. She’s not on my flow I know she’s bored and wants to like, she’s 19. I know what it feels like to be 19. …. You brought Tristan to the park and as soon as I met that I straight up showed you who thought I was on…

And again like I told you over text messages after you played me for $3000 on your susu giving bullshit ring with your mother. You were an easy fucking kill when I needed a self-esteem boost. It was a one and done and I learned that when I seen Tristan and fell in love at first sight like for real for real in love, no one infatuation shit that I had with Ian.

idk wat you jiggas want from me ur weird … if ima steal ur bitch … that’s what I was getting at IAN… WE GON BE FRIENDS !!!

you out here fucking on Sydney I’m going to my dorm one day. I’ll see you two coming out after you trying to tell me you wanna make it work with me, but you’re out here with another bitch in my face and I’m like what the fuck is this I see you the next morning at the tram stop with her again and I’m looking at you like what the fuck are you but I’m a be polite so I send you a text on the side trying to ask you to explain and clarify some things for me, but you’re being fucking weird and you start telling me you got me a fucking ring and you wanna give it to me but you don’t know how or when or whatever but then on your Instagram you post in photos with Miranda her brother and you and y’all all got the same fucking busted out Rolex so I’m confused and I’m trying to have a face-to-face conversation with you so you’re not giving me that so I end up going to… thanks for plugging us…. I went to her to talk to her to clarify what you doing to me doing her but she trying to get one over me and say she’s the main chick that he fucking chose and that you got her a ring and I’m sitting there looking at her like that’s so cute bitch because if he stuck on me doing this dumb ass shit and he had Miranda in the back and when he met me, then I know you ain’t nothing he treating you. He treating me you dumbass…. But anyways, we decided let’s be messy because you’re messy so you texted her to come over and she ain’t tell you I was there so you popped up and I’m sitting on the goddamn couch in the living room. I actually know I’m in the bedroom, my bad and she opened the door and y’all talking or whatever and then you say some weird shit and I walk out and you like what the fuck is this?

I asked you why are you trying to be my Knigge when you? You were trying to be her nigga two… and then it got into a whole argument between the three of us and I think Adri was there. I can’t remember, but it was definitely somebody else there, but I ended up throwing my phone and yelling at you for being a dumb ass piece of fucking shit thinking you can get one over on me and you walked out acting like you big nig and then you went to the side hallway and started crying with her Homie and me and her walked out together to go down the street to buy weed from your Knigge 🙂 since you’re so big and bad 🤷🏽‍♀️🐈🧠♿️

[nathank77]

5/13/24

5:55 a.m Added to significantly 6:08 a.m

I wish I had time to work out. I'm at a pivotal moment with my methimazole and my body fat. I mean I look good. I'd actually fuck myself. I'd suck my own dick if I was a different person no joke but- I could look better.

Maybe if these doctors appts stop I'll get a gym membership. I mean but only if these Dr's appts slow the fuck down.

I could look even nicer. I could tone. Low weights, lots of reps.. I could have nice pecs and nice arm muscles. Maybe abs but that's ridiculous lol I'm just being positive.

I mean I'm really lonely and mentally tortured and I noticed my thoughts are sloppier but my hallucination is more under control...

Maybe the cbd is doing something. I've been calling myself Nathan deadname a lot or calling myself deadname Nathan a lot... in my head. It sucks. It feels like I'm going backwards.... thinking you're not Nathan. Etc.. it all feels like 3 months ago... but the hallucination put these thoughts in my head and said them all the time..

but I've been thinking the language center in my brain is also fucked up. There is this whole fucked up feedback loop between all these neurons.

My hallucination really doesn't say too much anymore... but it still talks constantly..... it can't exactly chant but it kinda can still... I can cut it off that's really the difference....

But I mean maybe- this feedback loop is getting turned into some "disorganized" thoughts.... I mean I don't have disorganized thoughts.... it's really just a name drop and fixaiting on genitalia, like deadnames cunt or something gross like that. I can't stop myself from thinking. It's really disappointing..

But maybe some rewiring is occurring... everything else is organized... it's just sexual and Name dropping- all just stuff I used to think and hear and I only thought bc the hallucination said it.

Idk. I'm trying to be positive about it. I actually watched Split today on Netflixs. It wasn't hallucination free but I could actually enjoy it but I thought during silences and thats where I really noticed these sloppy thoughts...

I'm worried but also not worried. Idk how recovery happens or if it ever happens.

Don't think for a second I wasn't hallucinating 99% of the time. I always do but I notice it's somewhat inaudible which makes it easier to cut off and change. I notice that only certain phrases are coming out clearly.

Yet I notice that my thoughts are psychosis still and that does feel like its going backwards.

I'm worried and like also trying to convince myself that the whole feedback loop is a thing. The hallucination can't say these things anymore unless I say it but i still have psychosis... and maybe this is it rewiring...

Maybe the weed made me take a few steps back but I DONT FUCKING KNOW

I stopped the weed after three days of use. I started on May 3rd and stopped may 6th. So I mean it's been a while.

My mental pictures remain consistent from what they were before the weed usage.

Yet the thoughts of deadname Nathan and gentialia shit is more active and problematic. I feel like that stopped in Feb maybe March so yes it feels like going backwards.

Sometimes I write on tumblr in silence and it's silent until I think about it.

Although I notice the louder I blast music the hallucination starts attacking me. It's all just learning to cope with it the best I can. What works and what doesn't work. I can't blast music. I can't wear head phones unless I lower the music so I can hear the hallucination in my air conditioner. The music has to be low enough for me to hear the hallucination......

Silence is the devil still. But sometimes when I masterbate if I read stuff it's silent. Then I think about it and it starts back up.

I can't stop thinking about it. I know I'll never stop thinking about it until it stops.... and then I'll still think about it in a trauma way... until I can cope with it in therapy..

I have a long road and I may never recover. Plus the ptsd and panic attacks. Those are new separate problems. Between the random disociating which is seconds.

Idk. I don't think I'm going to be here much longer.

I need to find love and feel connected to someone who understands me. I need more in my life to recover, I've got a while longer i am going to stay on 100mg of cbd. I mean idk.

I feel hopeless but i am trying to track everything sometimes I'm like maybe I should slow down on the cbd... but it's supposed to help and I need an aggressive dose.

Anyways I'm still trying but idk why. I consider Split a win but it's a small victory and family guy works much better.

I also have to like for example if it's music in the background of these shows with no lyrics I have to hum the lyrics in my head to cancel it out....

It's annoying af. I notice that I hear the hallucination in music without lyrics sometimes... maybe that a good thing. Anything is better than the voice. ANYTHING