#like i revisit my other writing and its okay! i sometimes like it!

[moonsaver]

My normal writing which all of you majorly see and interact with comes easy for me, and i tend to feel normal about it even after revisitng it hours after i upload it

But i feel so so icky about my "actual" fic writing, like the scenes feel too stiff, and the action is hard for me to describe. I dont like it when i upload it, hope i just settle into it more afterwards only to be even more repulsed by it. I dont even know why?? I just can't get actual scenes and "proper" fics right. It's also kind of disheartening to me, because i occasionally think about writing multi-chapter, long fics. Im not sure what exactly im getting wrong..

[fabricated-misslieness]

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: neteyam x olo'eyktan metkayina male reader

ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: There's a bit of time before your ceremony—you take advantage of it.

ʀᴇ𝐐: no ~ ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 1370 ~ neteyam & reader are in their late 20's

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: swearing

ᴍᴀʏʙ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛᴇ: i have to write one of these sometime

☾⋆☆⋆☽

There was a buffer of time before the ceremony—your ceremony. You didn't exactly know what caused it, be it the current Tsahìk still getting prepared, or the Tsakarem or current Olo'eyktan, or perhaps even the venue. And if it was the reason, you thought it rather peculiar, because your family weren't ones to take long in little things such as preparation.

Whatever the case, you took advantage of it.

Neteyam took you in. He gazed upon your bare skin, lacking all jewelry and ornaments, even your Iknimaya band, knife and sheath. Though the sight was one to behold, a small panic settled in. "Should you not be getting prepared?" He rushed over.

You only chuckle at his concern, "If it worries you so, we can go back to my preparation pod. However, I must take the moment to speak with you."

"Why is that?" He takes the offer silently, leading you along back to your pod.

"There's a lot in my mind. It runs like those dire horses you tell me about." You give a small laugh, "And..."

"And?" He asks impatiently.

Though you had sought him out, you don't quite have the courage to tell him what you wanted to. "...my family isn't ready yet. That's what I think, anyway."

He huffs, "Surely it won't be long."

"However much time it takes, I'll spend it with you."

It was a simple sentiment, but nice either way. Spending time with your best friend, right before the biggest ceremony of your life—maybe second to your mate ceremony, where you showed off your beloved that you would spend your every moment with; it was something that usually happened before the Olo'eyktan crowning, but you hadn't found the one yet.

Once you settle down, relaxed atop the only chair in your pod, Neteyam can't help but worry. You were the one to become Olo'eyktan, yet you remained calm. He, on the other hand, paces anxiously.

"Are you worried?"

Instead of answering, he stops before you and asks, "Why are you bare?" You were practically naked, stripped from your usual ornaments and garments. It was a sight to drink in, but he had to find an excuse for his staring.

"My loved ones must paint my skin before the ceremony. They all learned a different technique to the painting. Their marks will signify their shared love for me."

He nods, slowly, "Your family?"

You give half a shrug that doesn't quite answer his question, "My family, sure."

"Okay, well, yes, I'm worried." Neteyam takes a deep breath, revisiting the breathing techniques you'd taught him years ago, the very ones he didn't have to think about doing anymore. Right now, they slip from his mind. "Of course I am, you're about to become Olo'eyktan."

"I am."

"And you're going to—how are you so calm right now?" His hands remain stiff in his hair, mid run through.

"It's what I've been trained for all my life." You say simply, "I knew this day would come and I'm, well, prepared for it."

He lets out a small laugh. "I was to be Olo'eyktan once." He thinks it ironic. "I was trained for it too. My people looked up to me. That pressure weighed heavy on my shoulders. How does it evade yours?"

"In truth, I don't know, Neteyam." You beckon him to sit next to you. Mindlessly, he does. "Perhaps it is that I have more, we'll say, nerve-wracking things on my mind right now."

Right. You had told him that your mind was running like a dire horse, though the word should be galloping. "Like what?"

You can't really say it. As you stare into his pretty eyes, the small cluster of algae that was your courage shrunk like it was drying.

Neteyam fills in your silence with his own words. "What could possibly be more nerve-wracking than becoming Olo'eyktan? Won't it be hard to live up to your father's name, his legacy? Being the leader of the archipelago and its many islands, all under the Metkayina tribe?" He shakes his head, thinking of many more things. "More nerve-wracking than–?"

"You're beautiful."

It was a passing thought, one that popped up in your head as you watched him speak. You didn't mean to blurt it out at all, only realizing after he points it out with his shock.

His lips press into a thin line, that expression of his you'd come to be familiar with. For a moment you think only bad could come of it, but instead he looks away, his expression turning bashful. "I should be the one saying that." He mumbles, his mouth opening far too little.

Your heart flutters. You scoot a little closer, bringing a hand to his cheek so that you may turn his once attentive gaze towards you once more. "Why is that?"

"Well, it's your day." Though you had turned his head towards you, his eyes still avoid your face. "Your ceremony, your new title, your new tattoos, your new songcord bead."

He closes his eyes, shaking his head with his words, "What even is there to call beautiful about me?"

"I don't know."

He rolls his eyes, but does not roll his head with them, too fearful of losing your touch.

"Sorry, I mean," You snicker, looking away to gather your thoughts. Neteyam takes the opportunity to stare at you. You're beautiful this way, beautiful any way, beautiful all ways. "If I had to choose one thing..."

You turn back to him, suddenly, and he doesn't tear his eyes away. "Everything."

"That isn't one thing." Because he can't tear his eyes away.

"Then I choose all of it." Neteyam brings a hand to hold onto yours. "Your smile, your hair, your eyes, your laughter; your immense need to care. All of you that I see."

The way his face lights up, it's gradual, piece by piece, but it doesn't take long. It starts at his ears perking up, then his smile widening, his cheeks raising with his lips, and his eyes creasing at the corners. His smile doesn't grow into a grin, however, and it doesn't take long for the entirety of his face to turn sheepish. He buries his head into his hands and laughs a small little laugh. His legs, both, kick restlessly.

He says something in English you don't quite know. Even in all your years together, he hadn't taught you the word. "I'm so fucking childish."

"What does that mean?" You ask, "Fu–?"

"Don't say that word." He warns, suddenly coming out his blue-skinned, handmade shell. "It's not exactly a good one."

"Okay."

"Is what you mean–" He shakes his head at himself, closing his eyes. How could he be so doubtful? He really wasn't sure of it, your feelings. He wanted to be sure. "That you... like me?"

"Yes," You bring both his hands in yours, "I... want you to be my mate."

"But I'm..." He stares down at his hands. Still dark blue. "and you're Olo–you're going to be Olo'eyktan."

You were always kind, always responsible, always aware of your future role. Because of this, your words were always premeditated. You couldn't tarnish your reputation in the clan. But right now, you don't see the need for it. "What do I care for it?"

Neteyam laughs at your brashness.

"Nga yawne lu oer. That is all that I care for. Though, for many years, I battled with that." You admit, "It is why I haven't told you of them, of my feelings for you. I should've told you much sooner."

"I'll say, your crowning day was probably not the best day," He declares with a laugh, "I should've told you as well."

"Well, we have only but the present."

He curses at how easy it is for you to be smooth. "Fu–" He smothers the curse against your neck, instead of into his hands again. He wraps his long arms around you, securing your larger body in his embrace. You return the hug much more gently.

"Will you accept my proposal? Be my mate? Because I'd like to invite you to paint me for the ceremony, and that is the job of a loved one."

Oh, for Eywa!

[lyramundana]

Brain rot for brain rot

Poly!minsung (obviously) bi awaking au like we talked about.

Minho and Jisung are making the reader feel so good that she is practically yelling. Minho has never heard a partner react this way and looks at Jisung for reassurance that you are okay.

-sweetracha 🍑

OMG my first request!!😍 And a great one indeed.. (i apologize in advance because english isn't my first language)

The Reader may be a close friend of theirs or a situationship-to-be, either case she's the trigger of this whole deal, at least that's what they'll say. I have so many ideas about this idea, but let's go with:

What started as a simple game of curiosity and playfully teasing each other turned into an almost animalistic show where they ended up using her like a toy. She has lost count on how many times she has orgasmed, her body twitching and right now, the only thing that comes out of her mouth are moans, whimpers and high-pitched gasps. They take turns to fill her holes and man-handle her in all the angles that allow them to feel the most pleasure. If you ask them how they ended up like this, they don't have an answer.

Suddenly, when it's Minho's turn again, he hits a spongy, foreign spot inside her that makes her start screaming and gasping for air, her weakened body trembling violently.

You see, it's not like Minho doesn't know people can react like this during sex (he and Jisung are like fucking rabbits sometimes and he has broken his pretty boy into tears before) but it has never been this intense and, obviously, he's never been with a girl before, so he doesn't know what to expect. Of course he has been enjoying every second of it more than he could've imagined, getting the hang of it as he went and eventually using her like Jisung. But the moment she wraps her shaking body around him like that, barely breathing and outright screaming, he frozes a bit and throws an alarmed gaze at Jisung, silently asking if she's hurt and he fucked up. The younger finds it cute.

Unlike Minho, he has an idea of how women's bodies work and he knows about the g-spot, which he inmediatly deduces is the reason behind this reaction. He explains it to the older, while they have that spot inside their ass, girls have it deep inside their cunt and is usually difficult to find. It's a button that, when touched, turns their brains mushy and they become dumb, mind empty dolls that can only think about reaching their climax.

Minho starts to understand it when he feels her clenching around him, pushing him deeper in, and she has the audacity to cage his waist with her legs, preventing him from pulling out the slighest. He lets out a groan, fists tighteting their hold on the sheets, and he buries his face on her sweaty neck, inhaling her natural scent in its purest form and feeling the quick pumping of her heart. He turns up to look at her face and the sight makes his dick twitch. Her glassy eyes, her reddened face, her pretty lips bitten and red, traces of her wet hair sticking to her forehead and the harsh movement of her chest, breathing in and out like she's been drowning.

He has caused this. He's the reason she's like this, looks like this. He fucking made this. And the thought makes him let out a choked gasp, almost cumming on the spot. Jisung caress his hair and cheeks, pressing his lips on the older's nape, whispering encouraging words, saying how proud he is and how well he's been doing it. He softly guides him back at it again, stroking Reader's breast in front of his boyfriend's eager stare.

When she whimpers again, quietly begging them to continue with her broken voice, they snap out of it and lunge at her like hungry dogs at a trapped prey.

I really hope this was up to your liking! I got a bit caught up in the brain rot.

My first attempt of writing smut, what do you think? @charmercharm3r @channieandhisgoonsquad @2chopsticks2eyes

@moonlightndaydreams (revisiting old works and though you might want to see)

[ofliterarynature]

NOVEMBER 2024 WRAP UP

[ loved liked okay nope dnf (reread) ]

Kicking Ice • (The Bride of the Blue Wind) • Animal Farm • The Lost Manuscript • Heart's Blood • Hotel • The Liar's Knot • The Education of Pip • The Glassblower • Terec and the Wall • (The Hands of the Emperor) • The Village Library Demon Hunting Society • One Good Turn • The Silence of Bones • (The Raven Tower) • The Art Thief • Safer Places • Letters to Half-Moon Street

* * * * * *

Letters to Half-Moon Street - an absolutely charming epistolary regency romance told mostly through letters between the main character, his siblings, and his love interest. The mc is gay and demi-sexual (and a younger son) in a queer-norm England where gender norms have been replaced by rules about birth order, and there's magic - it's very Sorcery & Cecelia meets KJ Charles (if not quite as good). As I said, very charming, but when I read the two shorter follow ups, One Good Turn and The Education of Pip, it was pretty clear that the epistolary format (and romance) helped cover a lot of hurts. I applaud the author for including an aromantic character and trying to write stories about finding your place and self-recovery without romance, but in her attempt to create comfort she sacrificed any real development to the characters or the plot. (also, while the rich upper class characters are exceedingly nice to the lower-class characters, we still almost never see any of their servants. hmm.) There's a few more books in the series that are romances (and at least one looks like it might be epistolary), so we'll have to see if she improves. Fantastic covers though!

Safer Places - a comic collection that was supposed to be for my book club but didn't quite work out unfortunately! These comics were very strange and dreamlike, making me not quite sure what happened but very much wanting to think about it. The artist also returned to a story idea several times, sometimes taking on an entirely new shape, and it really lent a sense of connection to the book as a whole. Would recommend!

The Art Thief - I'm not really one for more narrative-type nonfiction or for true crime, but non-violent crime involving fine art? I don't know why I find the fine-art world (and crime) so fascinating, but I do, and I enjoyed this! It was actually a fairly nice, chill read to distract myself with in the middle of the election.

The Raven Tower - revisiting my first Ann Leckie 5 years later - this was incredible! Slow yes, but watching the story build itself out of all the pieces was absolutely fascinating. 100% satisfied with the ending, but it was also a bit of a cliff-hanger? I'll be absolutely fascinated to see what kind of stories Leckie felt compelled to write that take up half of the Lake of Souls collection.

The Silence of Bones - DNF @ 11%. I was very interested in this as a historical mystery with a female protagonist set in Korea, but leery of it being YA. I admit I wasn't a big fan of the audiobook narrator, but an hour and a half into the audiobook I still hadn't hadn't settled into the story, so decided to drop it.

The Village Library Demon Hunting Society - This was very high on my watch-list for 2024 due to my love for CM Waggoner's first book Unnatural Magic, but was somewhat leery of the cozy-fantasy vibes it was giving. My first shock came when it turned out to have a fairly modern and contemporary setting and was not in a fantasy other-world, though as expected it was definitely going for the cozy-fantasy and elderly-person-solves-murder vibes that are popular right now, and with which I've personally had mixed results. Overall though, it was aiming to be a sort of meta-commentary on cozy mystery tropes, which I think it was successful at! I think it definitely did better than its sci-fi cousin, the Midsolar Murders series by Mur Lafferty. I just wish it had a better title, this one is a bit of a mouthful and only semi-relevant.

The Hands of the Emperor - started slowly rereading this a few months ago with the intention of getting around to my first reread of the sequel. Honestly, the perfect book to be reading during an absolutely horrible election, I imagine I'll be burying my head in the Nine Worlds a lot in the upcoming years.

I wasn't quite ready to head directly into AtFotS after finishing Hands, so jumped around to some of Victoria's short stories I hadn't read yet. Terec and the Wall is the second Terec story - I admit I really don't have much interest in this sub-series? This one in particular was at least interesting in the second half because of its crossover with the Greenwing & Dart series, so I recommend you don't read this until you've read that. The Glassblower was...fine. It showed promise, but it was so short! I hope the second part fleshes out more, but idk. It's also related to the Ysthar collection of books, which is the only part of the Nine Worlds that I haven't bothered to revisit yet. To skip ahead a bit, the third of the Sisters Avramapul novellas is finally out! It's been a while so I decided to reread the first two books, starting with The Bride of the Blue Wind. It's a Bluebeard retelling and deals with pregnancy/body horror and is not for the faint-hearted! Sardeet was SO YOUNG in this, I don't think I quite realized before. Good but not my favorite of the series.

The Liar's Knot - loved loved loved. These books are so good even if (or because?) all of the plot twists are somewhat soap-operatic. I think this is my favorite in the series because the characters are a bit more settled but also having to learn to trust each other. And all of the secret identity reveals!!! I had a wonderful time.

Hotel -DNF @ 8%. picked this up at a recent library sale because a mystery at a hotel sounds cool! Then I started it on audiobook and realized it was a thriller (not my thing) written by a guy in the 60's (ditto). What I read was certainly passable and maybe I could have gotten through it, but I lost interest.

Heart's Blood - I've seen Marillier's work around somewhere, and picked this one up at a library book sale at some point. I got so close to DNF'ing this early on and almost wish I had. It wasn't bad I think, it has some beauty-and-the-beast vibes, but it felt excruciatingly slow, and something that I couldn't quite put my finger on was annoying the heck out of me. It made me wish more times than I should admit that I was reading Chalice by Robin McKinley instead. I'm not entirely scared off of trying Marillier's other work, but I'd proceed with extreme caution.

The Lost Manuscript - DNF @ 19%. A surprisingly lighthearted novel told in letters about a woman who finds a manuscript in a hotel bedside table and proceeds to track down the original author, only to discover someone else had added to the manuscript at some point after he lost it. She and her contacts try and trace its history back to find the mystery author. Seemed very nice, if you're looking for something calm and lighthearted? Just not what I was looking for at the time.

Animal Farm - somehow managed to escape reading this for school, and a podcast I listen to loves recommending this, so I picked up a copy at the same sale as Heart's Blood. I feel like I spent most of the book sagely nodding my head, like yup, that's how it can be! Very smart book, not a favorite but I'm glad I read it.

Kicking Ice - backed this on Kickstarter ages ago when I was still deep in my Check, Please! fervor. Finally picked it up because it was short and I needed to finish another book for my owned-tbr challenge. It was ok. Maybe a better choice if you're a young girl interested in hockey or sports in general? I also didn't like the art style used for most of the book, so a pass from me. I'm sure a lot of the info about the NWHL is also outdated by this point.

[askmarshandbroflovski]

In response

((OOC

i checked this blog today to make sure it hadnt been deleted and saw a few things in the inbox. i want to clear up a couple of things. if this is the last post to ever hit this blog, so be it, but heres the endcase:

no, i decided not to make the end comic. i wrote this story nine years ago with someone i loved very much. it sort of became a net for my feelings about my loss and addiction. it was messy and weird and put a lot of my perspectives on display. ive been clean for two years now and i think its okay not to tie up this story with a neat end. like stan and kyle, i graduated and i got older and i have a career. thats all it would have been. i would have tried to ascribe some deeper meaning to making a dumb thing in high school, and i would have tried really hard to make it feel like the way things were back then were okay. i dont really feel like revisiting it. comics are hard. it took me a very long time to write and create something that can be read in maybe an afternoon. maybe you just had to be there. by following stan and kyle for as long as it took, you followed me and my coming to grips with being a person. really, this was just longform vent art about whatever dumb bullshit occurs to a high school junior. but i know it helped some people and entertained some other people so, i will be leaving it up. i just dont think ill ever slap a neat bow on it. my story wont have a neat end and neither will stan and kyles.

no, i wont end the craig blog either. i havent logged into that one in a while and i think if tumblr wants to wash it away thats okay. it was a way for me to reclaim some control over a narrative and maybe explore some deeper feelings (surprise, my birth father Also went missing, who knew) but it ultimately didnt amount to much. whatever happened to craig is up to you. my interpretation wasnt liked much anyway, and to have an askblog, you need people to be curious about the premise. i didnt connect as much with it and the frustration associated with running a project like that outweighed whatever i got out of it. i still dont know what that was.

anyway. i moved onto writing dnd campaigns and i am still alive. i still make art sometimes. i still get anxious when i see the inbox notifs, but these days, 9 times out of 10 its spam. i hope you guys all liked the south park post-pandemic aged up specials. i didnt, but im nitpicky and kind of bitter about the idea altogether. i havent seen an active askblog since 2017 but hey. be nice to people who make things. if you feel so inclined, maybe go make something for yourself. id like to thank the people who were curious and had fun here. id like to thank sekrit, neggy, rachel, five, ozzy and nadia. id like to thank everyone who let me tell my story. its just not over yet.

[thegamingcatmom]

I need to dump this AU here because I cant write it since I have no PC at the moment. It will probably make no sense but is driving me INSANE, it doesnt go away.

LISTEN:

Horse rancher MC

No, listen, imagine MC living in her not so small ranch, she takes cares of horses, breeds them and maybe even competes in races or whatever, she has her little farm and her little life and suddenly THREE MENACES storm right into her ranch, 0 interest in the horses. As time progresses the Three Menaces are so fucking invested in the horses like nobody understands and ofc Momma Carmen is so proud of all her bbies getting along and doing something productive instead of fighting with each other.

If only they could not indulge the horses AND the dog in such bratty behaviors... Sometimes MC is not sure who is worse, maybe she should throw the Three Menaces in a pen and free the horses instead... (Besides Im sure Kate has ridden a horse before being a warrior and stuff she will love it...probs)

IDK where this is going, I just know I was playing Fields of Mistria and the idea is burned into my brain, it doesnt want to leave my mind, I had to share xDD

🐴

Wait wait wait-

I HAVE QUESTIONS.

Where did those THREE MENACES come from?? Why did they storm right into her ranch instead of just knocking at her door like normal fucking ppl?? (Scratch that question actually.) When did "what is a horse" turn into "actually, the Arabian breed is known for its endurance and refined features"?? What is their deal with that dog??

Okay but Kate riding a horse is something I´ve thought about A LOT, actually. Like, remember that post about vampire!MC who also happens to be a shapeshifter? Imagine she´s allowing Kate to ride her (get y´alls minds out the gutter, tsk tsk tsk) after the middle sister expressed her desire to revisit "old times", back when she rode her prized steed into battle. That thought is just so heartwarming to me. 🥺❤️

Anyway-

So, Carmen and El are there too? Like, did they all just...appear at MC´s ranch some day or? Maybe seeking shelter from a huge ass storm or smt?? Cause I´m kinda digging that idea. 👀

maybe she should throw the Three Menaces in a pen and free the horses instead...

LMAO. Now that´s something I can absolutely see happening when MC´s finally reached her breaking point. xD

...Fair warning though, Kate would probs love it: 🙃

Kate: "Y´know, I usually go with handcuffs, but I´d be lying if I said this doesn´t intrigue me..." MC: 💀

ASKFDJSAKFBASFD

(You just can´t win with that girl.)

.

.

.

Not sure if that´s what you were hoping to hear when you shared your lovely AU idea with me/us (tysm for that, btw <33), but I feel like this whole horse topic offers SO many chances for innuendos and whatnot, it´s not even funny cause it´s hawt instead. 😭

Also, MC in a lumberjack shirt??

...

The Unholy Trinity:

...Wait, I just noticed-

IT´S EVEN THEIR COLORS, LMAO.

From left to right: Tanya, Kate, Irina. 😭🫠

(Btw, those are The Bimbettes from Beauty and the Beast, in case anyone - like me - doesn´t know. I fucking love that name actually, lmao.)

Thanks a lot for your ask! 💋

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

Books of 2024: August Wrap-Up.

Hey, would you look at that, it's suddenly September! Rude and uncalled for. This month, I did a lot of knitting (two sets of gloves and two hats! gearing up for holiday season), and a LOT of writing (finished the first 16k draft of a scene, who???), and read uh. Some. I didn't finish a ton of books, but I did make it through what felt like a ton of pages.

Two-thirds of this month's reading were post-apocalyptic-community-oriented, on purpose, to feed into my current writing project, and that worked really well--either I'm very good at choosing books that match the vibe I need, or my ADHD brain is good at making connections, OR a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. Photos and/or reviews linked below:

GHOST STATION (pages-out stand-in book pictured above, because I checked it out from the library after canceling my paperback pre-order, which was a good call) - ★★ This was very bad. Bad science, stupid incompetent characters, JUST enough neat worldbuilding to make it FRUSTRATING that this missed so hard. I'm bummed because I wanted to read DEAD SILENCE by this author, too, but I don't trust her now :(

ALWAYS COMING HOME - ★★★★½ Loved this!! Dense and chewy, and it required a lot of patience, but it was very rewarding and I'm really glad I read it. My absolute favorite passage was about scrub oaks, but I posted a few other highlights and tagged them as "le guin posting," if you're interested! If you like Le Guin and/or utopias and better futures and/or huge books that push what it means to Be A Novel, check this out for sure.

ARCHANGELS OF FUNK - ★★★½ So. I didn't realize that this was attached to a few other novels she's already written. And I read it cold (oops). Goodreads informed me that it was Book #2 of Cinnamon Jones, and review-diving indicated that REDWOOD AND WILDFIRE is also implicated in its worldbuilding, but that didn't stop me because I can't read. I would like to revisit this one after I've read those other two, I think, but!: The community and vibes and Making Art At The End Of The World were all immaculate, and the character names made me feel vindicated in some of my own naming conventions (seriously: there's an Indigo in this, and a Game-Boy, and Hawk, I can't make this shit up).

Under the Cut: A Note About ~*★Stars★*~

Historically, I have been Very Bad™ about assigning things Star Ratings, because it's so Vibes Heavy for me and therefore Contingent Upon my Whims. I am refining this as I figure out my wrap up posts (epiphany of this month: I don't like that stars are Odd, because that makes three the midpoint and things are rarely so truly mid for me)(I have hacked my way around this with a ½). Here is, generally, how I conceptualize stars:

★ - This was Bad. I would actively recommend that you do NOT read this one, no redeeming qualities whatsoever, not worth the slog. Save Yourself, It's Too Late For Me. Book goes in the garbage (donate bin).

★★ - This was Not Good. I would not recommend it, but it wasn't a total waste or wash--something in here held my interest/kept my attention/sparked some joy. I will not be rereading this ever. Save Yourself (Or Join Me In Suffering, That Seems Like A Cool Bonding Activity).

★★★ - This was Good/Fine/Okay/Meh. I don't care about this enough to recommend it one way or another. Perfectly serviceable book, held my interest, I probably enjoyed myself (or at least didn't actively loathe the reading). I don't have especially strong feelings. You probably don't need to save yourself from this one--if it sounds like your jam, give it a shot! Just didn't resonate with me particularly powerfully. I probably won't reread this unless I'm after something in particular.

★★★½ - I liked this! I'll probably recommend it if I know it matches someone's vibes or specific requests, but I didn't commit to a star rating on Goodreads. More likely to reread, but not guaranteed.

★★★★ - I really enjoyed this!! I would recommend it (sometimes with caveats about content warnings or such--I tend to like weird fucked up funny shit, and I don't have many hard readerly NO's). Not a perfect book for me by any means, but Very Good. This is something I would reread! Join me!!

★★★★★ - I LOVED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS, IT REWIRED MY BRAIN, WILL RECOMMEND TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION (content warning caveats still apply--see 4-star disclaimer). Excellent book, I'll reread it regularly, I'll buy copies for all my friends, I'll try to convince all of Booklr to read it, PLEASE join me!!

[liuisi]

Mariam: 2, 3, 14, 17, and 41 for her + B for you!

Samia: 7, 10, 27, 34, 38

Nour: 4, 8, 11, 13, 38

mariam:

2. How easy is it for your character to laugh?

mariam isn't really one for Displays Of Emotion like if she thinks something is funny she'll snort at the Most i think!!

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

works so hard during the day that she falls asleep instantly at night 👍 if that doesn't work sometimes she syncs up her breaths to a soft song playing in her head and that helps. sometimes

14. What animal do they fear most?

DESPISES spiders (technically an animal!). despite being the resident adult do NOT ask her to kill bugs for you

17. Are they easily embarrassed?

oh absolutely not . she just doesn't care anymore she has too many things on her plate to be embarassed

41. How do they feel about children?

well considering that she took care of eli and olivia i sure hope she likes them FHSKFJS . no yeah she doesn't like them in a "ohhh my gosh theyre so cute" way she's more of a. this is a tiny human and i need to take care of them and make sure they grow into a good person

B) What inspired you to create them?

okay. come closer. whispers in your ear. this was originally (many moons ago) a dsmp fic. that went through many many MANY changes at this point. but she started out as cwilbur. and then i was like well i need to write a she her pronoun or else ill go insane (and then her personality evolved obvs)

this got long so the rest is under the cut !!

samia: (these are funny to answer considering that she starts out the story dead but well it's good to develop her! for flashbacks!)

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

i think. anything that reminds her of being a kid triggers nostalgia and no she doesn't really like it. makes her feel like she can never truly go back home

10. What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

probably every time she pretended to know what she was doing. in general. i think the thought has come back to her a lot like hey what if i Stopped doing that. what would happen. but she's too scared and embarrassed to ever actually do that

27. What causes them to feel dread?

see last question! the fact that she Doesn't know what she's doing !! ever!! and the thought that one day it'll be stripped back and everyone will see it

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

hard 👍 everyone give it up for samia guiltiest girl alive ! wait yk what. nour also. 🔥🔥🔥THE GUILT SISTERS🔥🔥🔥 and its about each other <3

38. What memory do they revisit the most often?

cooking with her grandma i think. burghul sticking to her hands and her fingertips getting wrinkly from washing the dishes

nour:

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

funny thing if you asked nour this she would go oh easyyy i dont have problems trusting people i tell my friends everything! but she really doesn't. if she's ever having problems with something it will not even occur to her to talk about it to someone because she'll just be like ? why would i do that ? nobody needs to know this about me

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child

oh... put away her things when she's done with them. she gets easily distracted so she will come into the house take off her jacket and leave it on the couch. the chair in her room perpetually had/has a pile of clothes on it

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

nour will NOT hesitate to go huh?????? what???????? if she doesn't understand something. not a shred of subtlety in her body

13. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

she LOVES olive green but it kinda washes her out :/ her mom's always nagging her about it but she doesn't really care

38. What memory do they revisit the most often?

so they were at a family gathering and nour was starting to feel tired and not quite sociable enough to talk to anyone so she goes to sit down next to samia, who's talking to the older cousins, and leans against her. samia doesn't say anything but she puts her arm around her shoulders and nour closes her eyes against the soft glow of the lights and lets the conversation fade into a faint buzz

[downontime]

"I just want to be smart like other pepul so I can have lots of frends who like me"

Fun fact, that quote is from Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. It was a required reading when I was in middle school and I've been thinking about it a lot more recently over sixteen years later. Not for its examination and critique of the human condition, not for how education was and is structured in this country, but because I realized through therapy lately how shaky my ideas of intelligence were and are. Just like Charlie and the quote, "I just want to be smart like other pepul so I can have lots of frends who like me". Tangent: Been thinking about revisiting that book but the fact that it was for when I was a young teenager brings about a lot of shame, which hopefully I will work up the will to write about at some point. It goes along with the feelings I have about writing this at all, that any form of expression or revisiting or not acting what I believe I should feels self-indulgent and cringe. I used to be smart. I read plenty, enjoyed philosophy, did well in school, could keep up in conversations, could focus when I wanted to, and taught others. I held onto information and could apply it in novel ways. I won academic awards and scholarships. I was praised by professors and friends. I was the golden intellectual of my family and had a lot going for me and my brain. Except some of that might not be true.

My therapist asked me how much of me in the past was actually what I considered smart. This was not meant to be insulting, but it cut me and through the bullshit I made for myself a fair bit. Yes, I did well in school. But is it one-for-one, the overlap between being smart and doing well in school? What about my friends who I see as brilliant but did poorly in school for any of the handful of reasons? And what about me, someone who pretty much was trained in how classrooms worked for nearly my entire life? Someone who was forced to hold onto information to pass the next test? Did I really apply that info in novel ways or just the ways that the professors already predetermined? Was I really smart or just a good student? And now that I am not in an environment that forced me to perform and equated intelligence with classroom performance, what does that say about me, what I am, and how I use my time?

And when those questions starting creeping in, memories came back. My failings in every math class aside from statistics. My less than stellar performance in my undergraduate research lab. Difficulty focusing in classes and getting called out on those. Difficulty with abstract concepts.

Have I always not been smart? And it is worth even questioning that at this point?

I've talked to friends, doctors, and therapists about this ad nauseam. Sure, chemo might have affected my brain. But aside from the effects of stress, how much of my type of treatment actually affects the brain might not even be that significant. I am obese, which affects all aspects of the body negatively. And I spend a lot of my time mindlessly scrolling Youtube and Facebook looking for some form of fleeting stimulation. And yet I get distraught and hopeless when I find that focusing is difficult now. Or maybe it always has been and I am just now focusing on that.

Am I actually lamenting over loss, or just allowing pessimism to prevent myself from working hard enough to gain something I never actually had?

And what the fuck is smart, anyway?

There are people in my life who I think are very smart, people that I am ashamed to be around sometimes since I struggle to keep up with what they are saying. And there is no doubt that there is a bit part of why I am so obsessed with the idea of being smart. It is not just wanting to be smart; it is wanting to be seen as smart and respectable. To have value.

There are a few things I know I can do. Be more okay with admitting when I don't follow or understand. Watch and listen to stuff outside of the same handful of Youtube videos I watch daily. Try to build up my ability to read. Focus on physical health as a way to indirectly help cognitive health.

But whether it is gaining or regaining, this is going to take a long time.

[theadventurerslog]

King's Quest Wrap Up

Here we are. I've finished King's Quest 1-7, which I would consider the main series as Mask of Eternity is so different and I won't be playing it. It's been a great ride that I wasn't even originally intending to do, but I'm glad I did. Sitting here writing this post is a bit more bittersweet than I expected.

This whole blog idea came about because of King's Quest. I went from just watching them played (Thank you SuchMinutiae!) to thinking it'd be fun to try at least V and VI to wondering about the idea of logging them as a textual let's play, which led to doing them all. And now I've played them all and they get to be the first games and first complete series done here.

I mentioned there were a lot of classics I was missing and that Sierra games were a big hole in my history entirely. Not only did I have that total gap, but it was one that didn't come with the best reputation. Basically my association with Sierra was hard obtuse games in which you die at the drop of a hat. Which, okay, especially in the case of the older games that is true, but it's not the whole picture. I can only speak for King's Quest right now, but that misses the fun adventure of them and the evolution the series went through and that VII dropped the cruelty and had no dead ends and deaths were harmless with instant retries.

It misses what I can only imagine the feeling was back then of setting out into what would have felt like a big world and going on this big adventure. It misses the charm and goofiness that crops up. The portrayal misses the fun (and sometimes frustration) of goofing around with the text parser in the first four games. It misses the evolution of not just the mechanics and graphics, but also the story telling and how they start to connect more with each other into a bigger whole. I'm going on a bit of a rant here, but if I had continued with only that original outlook on them and a couple of stray reviews I one time saw while looking briefly into the games quite some time ago--can't recall exactly why, it may have been when that episodic King's Quest game by another company came out--and those reviews also really highlighted difficulty and not too much else I would have passed on an experience I really enjoyed.

Now, I will freely admit my opinion would probably be a bit different if I had gone in blind, or just with the knowledge to save a lot and keep lots of saves. That last point is a big one and would spare some anguish. I definitely would have gotten more stuck on points far more often and probably dead-ended myself at other points and had to rely on past saves more. But I'm also not too proud to poke at hints or check for bits in guides, so I still could have gotten through, but there would have been some more frustration colouring my views. Not to say there wasn't any frustration because there sure was at points, beanstalks and stairs and dark dark caves with trolls, oh my. Still, my point still stands that I could have so easily been continuing to be swayed away from ever giving these a shot and missed out.

I also think it's great to visit or revisit some old games now and then. Not just to see how far things have come, but to experience what things were like. It was still so new as a medium, still is relatively speaking, and devs were still learning and trying stuff and experimenting and there's a very wild west feel to it. And it's just... this is what they knew, this what they had to work with in regards to the tech and it's...cool. And being reminded how much and fast things were changing like the jump from KQ IV to V. It was a lot! I just think it's nice to be reminded sometimes. Games have moved so quickly it can be easy to forget.

It was also nice to have a reminder of my own...outlook I guess? on graphics in a tangible way. I'm not someone who needs or cares about high-end top of the line graphics anyway, but the ability to get into the game and meet it on its level struck me particularly in a couple spots in III and IV where I found myself having the exact same reaction to things I'd have to the same kind of things in a modern game. Those things being a couple waterfalls spots in III ("ooo! waterfall!" Screencap!) and Genesta's island and the path going up the mountain to Lolotte's area in IV. More ooo, pretty, or ooo cool moments. These early four games are older than I am and primitive by today's standards and it's just...nice to know I can still have these little wow moments anyway.

I've gone off on some tangents here, so back to the individual games themselves. As for each game, the obvious thing to do in an end post like this would be to rank them, but I am terrible at ranking things. If you want to send me into a spiral of dithering and second-guessing myself, make me rank things. Instead I will just say that VI is my favourite and I have no idea after that. I am going to give my last thoughts on each and heck maybe some kind of preference or order will emerge. Still not ranking them though.

King's Quest I: Quest for the Crown

The beginning! There's always something exciting about a new start, certainly so when you know it continues into a series. It's very simple: find the three missing treasures of Daventry and become king. Really nothing deep here, but it's a short enjoyable romp through a mishmash of fairy tale things and sometimes there's comfort in simplicity. Less comfort in falling repeatedly off a beanstalk; I might still be bitter.

Not a lot to say about it really, but a solid enough start.

I'm looking forward to revisiting it sometime through the SCI remake.

-

King's Quest II: Romancing the Throne

I looked back at my final notes for the game and while my points are still true I feel like I had a more negative slant on them than I do now. As I've been thinking about these games off and on while playing I've had a growing fondness for II. Yeah, its plot is thin: Graham wants wife, girl trapped in tower by evil witch for some reason, rescue girl, get married. And don't go here for cohesive world building, but it was fun. It did feel like a grab bag of ideas tossed together into a game, but that ended up being what made it entertaining in not knowing what it's gonna throw at you next.

What IS grandma's deal with the wolf and Dracula, and oh yeah, Dracula. Antique shop in the middle of nowhere, the owner of which seems to have some kind of feud with the witch? Why not? Merfolk? Sure! Its stairs weren't as bad yet either.

I've found its ridiculousness is where the fun was for me and my fondness for it has grown.

-

King's Quest III: To Heir is Human

This game was important for setting out foundations for everything to come: introducing Alexander and Rosella, the existence of Manannan which was used for plot with Mordack for V which also included Cassima to get us the plot of VI, etc. It's where the chain of continuity felt like it really began.

That said I said it was a mixed bag and that hasn't changed. The beginning is fun with the spells and all the thing you can have happen with Manannan which I didn't get much of in my playthrough and I regret that. The spells themselves are fun and the game did get more complex than the previous two.

But that second chunk hits on tedium and frustrations and is just plain not as fun or interesting as the first part. If I were to rank the games, and I'm not, but IF I were I'd really struggle with this one and wish I could put one part in one place and the other part in a different lower place.

One other note: now we don't get a ton of Alexander's personality in III really, just by nature of these older games and he's a little older in VI and of course free of Manannan, but I do have a little trouble reconciling them as the same character. Like, for example, there's a point early when you get the fur from Manannan's cat and he snickers about it and calls it a stupid cat and I just cannot picture VI Alexander ever saying that. Of course I doubt they had any inkling of what VI would be like if it were to ever exist, just something I noticed.

-

King's Quest IV: The Perils of Rosella

Like KQ III I still feel this one is a mixed bag but its low points are lower still than the low points of III and it really leaves me conflicted because there are plenty of things I like but so much ugh at some of the bullshit. The whale, the bridle, the dark cave with the troll, some really awful stairs, it got to be a lot sometimes.

But then it was nice to have Rosella as the protagonist and it was nice to have a more present villain and with Edgar it gave them some material to pull from for later. There were still fun moments and some just really nice spots like the exterior of Genesta's home with her gardens. When I wasn't in the really annoying spots I was enjoying myself as much as the previous games but those blemishes cast long shadows.

It also felt a little more sombre overall, which makes sense under the circumstances, but something I noticed.

-

King's Quest V: Absence Makes the Heart Go Yonder

"We're the aaants led by King Antony..." Ahem. V was my originally planned first game then when I realized it was bundled with IV and VI that maaaybe I should start with IV, which oof, glad I didn't, but then I started from the beginning.

That said I was looking forward to getting to V and I quite enjoyed it. That beautiful art. The voice acting is pretty bad, but I find it weirdly endearing. There's some really charming moments.

There's also a ton of bullshit and a long list of ways to softlock yourself, which should annoy me more on principle, but I think the difference between it and IV is that in this one's case the problems come from things that you can miss rather than frustration coming by the actual act of playing through the annoying trial and error parts like the whale and the cave with the added 'joy' of RNG. And since I knew what to look out for I could avoid the problems whereas I was stuck in it in IV.

Anyway, the connectivity really started to come into fruition here too making use of the events of III while building up to VI. ...Still cranky about Graham's attitude about Alexander at the end and everyone ignoring poor dead Cedric at first.

Other than that it's just so cheesily charming to me.

-

King's Quest VI: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow

Much like my final thoughts in the last post for the game I'm wondering what more I can say. It's my favourite of the series. It's still so pretty. I really like Alexander as a protagonist. He's so earnest. I like Cassima for what we do get of her though I want more.

I love how much there is to interact with and just the sheer amount of descriptive text with some great humour in there. The premise is hinged on some real flimsy love at first sight, but it's wrapped up in such a good package I can't complain much. There are a lot of fun and charming bits and some just cool chunks too like the stuff in the Realm of the Dead. Having two different routes to two endings is neat as well.

Also, "Girl in the toooower!"

--

King's Quest VII: The Princeless Bride

This one's a little harder to talk about again since I did just finish it so it hasn't had the same time to sit in the back of my mind like the others. It was a departure in a lot of ways from the rest of the games but then again, V and VI were a departure in some ways from the first four as well. It was still a fun different flavour without feeling like it was something else entirely I think might be my best way of putting it. And it was a fun change of pace to be alternating between two protagonists.

And despite its differences it still clung to its roots of fairy tales and the Daventry royals and of course made use of the events of IV. It was also still a point and click unlike a certain other unplayed entry of the series.

It was more comedic and exaggerated and there were some points that were running the fine line of grating for me but never enough to be off-putting.

I wasn't quite sure how I'd feel about it before playing, but I did enjoy more it than I initially feared.

-

I kind of think of the series in three phases which further doesn't help with any attempts at ranking either. There's 1-4, 5-6 and 7. Seeing that kind of progression is another fun thing about going through a series from beginning to end though. Does a ranking emerge from the above notes? VI is high and IV is low. 5 and 7 are probably higher than 1-4 but trying to decide between 5 and 7 and trying to order 1-4 I just don't know. I enjoyed my time with all and that's what really matters in the end.

--

Various Stats and Other Rankings

I've got them anyway, so I may as well gather them into one place!

Final Points

King's Quest 1: 154/158

King's Quest II: 185/185

King's Quest III: 202/210

King's Quest IV: 230/230

King's Quest V: 260/260

King's Quest VI: 225/231

King's Quest VII: N/A

I only got max points in the half the applicable games. Clearly another reason to replay some of these.

--

Death/Game over Counts:

King's Quest I: 58

King's Quest II: 17

King's Quest III: 63

King's Quest IV: 86

King's Quest V: 59

King's Quest VI: 29

King's Quest VII: 42

Feeling some KQIV trauma looking at these counts all over again. I wound up with a higher count that I expected in VII too; it started low then Ooga Booga happened...

--

Death Rankings!

I was given the idea to rank deaths so here are some death awards!

Most Deaths: King's Quest IV. Some awful stairs among other things.

Most Maddening: Any stairs or stair-like things. Stair cases in IV and the bean stalk in I drove me nuts. Aside from stairs, the troll in the dark in IV. Once he's there, there's no escape and he's completely random.

Most Expected: Eat these nightshade berries says the golden eyed 'grandma'. What could go wrong. This being hasn't already tried to lead you to your death on more than one occasion before and isn't remotely suspicious now. Alexander, please.

Most Unexpected: This is a bit trickier as I wasn't playing blind. Possibly the rock in KQ I that you push. You have to push it to get a dagger, but if you push it from the wrong side you're squished and there's not really indication of it being on a slope or anything, so... squish. I feel like I'm probably missing some obvious contenders.

Most Tempting: Tree deaths in KQ IV. The tree puns! And failing the spells in III. Gotta see the results. Oh! And not a death but game over, actually this might be the most tempting, but getting turned into a beast in VI. How could you not want to let that run its course and see it? "Whee whee!!!"

Look at him!

Funniest: Possibly getting punched out by the bear in V. It's so ridiculous looking and abrupt.

Most Brutal: I've got three here: two deaths in VI and one in VII. The death by spiked ceiling in the catacombs and the death by fire with the druids. They're both drawn out and the way it all plays out is just yikes. They both had me flinching back into my chair. Then in VII we had Rosella and/or Valanice getting dragged in by the skeletons over the Boogeyman's home. And just the sound and the animation, oh the animation. It was another yikes moment for me.

--

Final Final Thoughts

As I try to figure out how to end this ramble. I suppose I will end this with the relatively simple question of would I recommend these?

VI and VII? Yes, particularly VII if someone wants a friendly point and click as VI still has softlocks and the need to save a lot for those deaths

V - with some caveats

I-IV - only to people genuinely interested in exploring the old stuff and willing to tolerate the BS and possible frustrations of a text parser (though I still think the text parser has its own fun)

Was the experience worthwhile for me? Absolutely. Will I replay these games or at least some of them? For sure. I have the SCI remake of I waiting for me and I'll definitely be playing VI again. I think I'll be able to add it to my comfort food rotation. I also, despite my complaining, want to give III another go sometime because I missed too much fun stuff at the start. Honestly I could see doing another run-through of the whole series for myself in the future, maaaybe skipping IV but also maybe doing it too because it's not like I hated it.

For now the Daventry family can live happily ever after until I restart the timeline and force them through all this again.

Once again, thank you for joining me and reading all this.

[joifee]

ah i'm a naturally inquisitive person so what questions tend to come fairly easy to me, but the real answer is anything and everything. Whatever details of a broad idea or bits of canon you want expanded on or just things you like from other's aus but in question form. When i'm really stuck i actually write these down in a list and then periodically through the next few days just revisit it and add any possible answers, both ones i know i won't use and ones i actually like, to the list. Eventually i start getting the broad stokes of an idea/hc from that and will use my interests to hyerfix on expanding the idea. It might not work for you + that's okay, but this is just my personal strategy when i get stuck as it plays to my strengths very well.

...That lmao probs should've been my main tip, find what parts of creating your good at and try finding ways to do worldbuilding + headcanons that play specifically to those and use that more then anything else.

as for the ooc thing i definitely understand that, it's why i stick to canon-adjact mainly tbh. I'm currently trying to unlearn a similar mindset by just- forcing myself to write and then not forcing myself to share less canon-based ideas. They're normally only like a sentence long but it helps some, plus sometimes i'll find a detail in there i can use for the above process to make smth canon-based

The questions are a hard part of me - especially if it's for a subject of my interest. I already struggle enough in university with it and when I finally find a way to question what I have to write about, I sometimes have like so little time left that I barely finish the essay - I still don't know how i managed to write my BA thesis

Its probably a problem for me because in my head my interests are kinda all over the place and really dont mingle well with the characters? Like f.e. in the moment I am kinda hyperfocusing on contemporary art AND cult of the lamb AND mcyt (like usually) and honestly i wouldnt be able to see a matching link if you were able to show me. So finding parts that i am good it is no problem for me - the combining part and questioning part is what i trip over

The problem with ooc for me is that it comes from canon-adjact positions. and for me its mostly personality based. I don't care if the visual design isnt what canon looks like but i often hope i get the personality right because being called out on it isn't fun - makes me ask myself if i understand the character enough to actually write about them

[catty-words]

Your writing is so good that I’m almost tempted to binge all of your other shows so I can read more of it with proper context. You’re one of my all-time favorite authors (both published and non). Thanks for your work!

stooop i'm blushing and getting those sweet, naturally-induced ASMR tinglies. 😳🥺 thank you for this message!

if you want my hot takes on what's worth it, i am quite please with 90% of my julie and the phantoms fic (particularly the therapy fic, and i think the stage diving fic holds up as a good time) and the show itself has a low barrier to entry. it's sweet, it's silly, it's one 9-episode season, and the cliffhanger is compelling but doesn't stop the single season from feeling like a complete enough story so as to be unsatisfying. it's sometimes too much 'written for children' for my tastes but the soundtrack slaps and its quality on its face + the themes of the show all centering around art = essential to life genuinely reinvigorated my love for music and led me to reinvent my musical tastes.

have you already watched crazy ex-girlfriend? i have a complicated relationship with this one because season four spun its wheels so much when the premise and execution up until that point made it some of the most poignant television i've ever had the pleasure of watching. the fact that the end was so mishandled means i haven't been able to bring myself to revisit it since its conclusion. i also haven't reread much of my fic - no taste for languishing in my crazy ex feels, y'know? - so i don't know how well it holds up. to the show's credit, though, being in the crazy ex fandom irreversibly shaped my relationship to shipping and how i approach writing romance (a good case for it having delivered on its themes, even if the end itself is so disappointingly weak). my nhie fic being so well cultivated is owed to my work/time in crazy ex girlfriend fan spaces. but do i recommend it? eh, i really don't know! it let me down and i'm not over that.

cw's nancy drew just finished its fourth and final season, and it's a good time! the editing is really sharp, which helps it take advantage of its genre, but it's not overly scary or upsetting. it's horror-lite! furthermore, it's buffy-style literary horror, where the ghosts stand in for more concrete, everyday problems our characters are dealing with. and ace [redacted] is the character of all time, okay? i feel very genderrrrrr about him; i want a miniature version of him to live in my pocket. the cherry on top is that my fic for the show is freaking cute.

do not watch the 100, do not read my 100 fic. i mean, you can if you want to, but i was in a weird and performative space with my own sexuality when i was fucking with the source material and being in a much better place with myself now, it brings me no pleasure to think about my days in that fandom. also the show did literally everyone dirty, i don't know any fans who feel like their investment in it paid off.

i still haven't watched season four and the show eventually ensambles too hard for the amount of time it has each episode, but sex education is a solid show. i've always found it very atmospheric, its world comfortably lived-in, and some of the characters are near and dear to my heart. last i checked, my fic is the only fic worth reading in the fandom, too, so...

final hot take: i don't care for the witcher's relationship to parenthood, which is like, the show's whooooole deal thematically-speaking. it's a testament to how entertained i am by the slutty little bard that i fuck with it at all. but my witcher fic? contains some of the most beautiful lines i've ever written.

do with this onslaught of information what you will.

[gluion]

i love u, mon nom nom hehe

1. my favorite fic of yours is probably a given: of linked arms and bruised hearts :] she lives in my brain as a measure of beautiful platonic relationships, and i hope you know just how much i adore that 70-something-k fic 🤧 i know i havent read all of your works thus far, but at some point, i swear i will, because your style of writing is just so lovely and i'm always so in awe of your prose.

2. a favorite part of linked arms and bruised hearts of mine is probably the moments when yn was realizing they were in love w changmin at his family house. i mean, the entire time they were there was so lovely too in general, but every time they had like,, a thought session (is that how i should describe it??) where they marinated on their friendship w changmin, i was just so so soooo soft and tender-feeling. like omg i was just thrashing around with the biggest pout cuz WTF I WANT THAT.

6. okay im gonna talk abt the same fic again, but i need u to know that the third part almpst had me crying. like i actually had tears welling up in my eyes and SNIFFLED. you have actually brpught me pain and tears—

8. i love that you dig deep with your writing. taking a step away from my beloved, but even in your brief jacob fics, you really take your time to explore relationships and establish a certain environment/ambience. its dazzling and enveloping and just .... ugh, sometimes i just have no words to describe /your words/ :'))

oh beam, i love you ☹️❤️‍🩹 i am genuinely so happy to know that a fic so personal to me means a lot to u!! it’s not easy to write 71k words in the span of two months probably? and before the writing process, i had to outline it (so i guessing this whole fic took 2 and a half months from ideation to writing phase tbh) and please dont feel pressured to read all my works!! admittedly, i havent read all of urs (and i think my other current works dont compare to of linked arms and bruised hearts imo) and as someone who was still figuring out their writing style, it really means the world u likes my writing style :]]

im so glad to know that u enjoyed those moments in jichang’s family home </3 IT WAS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE LONGER FYI!! there was going to be moments of them revisiting their old school, doing winter season traditions, really just more moments for them to reminisce abt their friendship after all these years. i feel like periods where u look back at ur friendships are just ones i love experiencing bc its a look back at not only ur relationship but even how u grew as people </3

PLEASE IM SO GLAD TO KNOW THE THIRD PART DID THAG TO YOU??? I FEEL LIKE REREADING AND EDITING IT HAD ME ACTUALLY SO SAD … i feel like it was closing a universe ive grown so attached to u know </3 but its okay i still have those oneshots lined up, and if i miss them i will def write them

beam :((( thank u for saying this. like it actually does mean the world that someone appreciates the fact i like to just explore dynamics </3 i think its why my fics end up being SOOO lengthy (and one can definitely argue that i do not need to be saying all this) but i feel like it’s needed, you know? it doesnt even have to be main pairing dynamics but even the side characters </3 it actually reveals so much abt the characters as well. and THANK U FOR SAYING THAT ABT AMBIENCE/ENVIRONMENT :’) admittedly, it’s still smth i def need to work on (and even finalizing my writing style really) but i am so glad that even at this state, someone likes what i do—i feel like im going in the right direction.

i love you always beam!! thank you always :’)

[the-blaze-empress]

For the Ask Game, 1., 2., 7., 19., 21., 41., 44., and 81.,

(hug)

1. do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

i know where i want to end up definitely, sometimes that can change in specifics a little bit but like. the main themes and shit are always pretty set. the middle can b a bit hazy but also has the main points outlined. sometimes characters just have a few more panic attacks than expected u know how it b <3

2. talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

PHILZA FUCKING MINECRAFT IN TAKE MY ARMS STOP FUCKING PANICKING. his reaction to quackity was WAY worse than i thought it was gonna be that it warranted an ENTIRE EXTRA CHAPTER. yeah so that happened. ALSO PHIL GETTING DISTRACTED BY THE RIBBON VENDOR. KID PLS THERES PLOT THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN I GET IT THE RIBBONS R SHINY BUT WE GOT THINGS TO ADDRESS HERE. arms!phil very much has a mind of his own

7. tell us about the plot of the first fanfic you ever wrote

oh boy time to revisit the days where i didnt know what fanfic was!! i think technically my first fanfic was. sfge fic. i had a whole canon compliant story about a pair of twins, the daughters of the girl and boy from the snow queen fariytale, one had fire powers and the other water, the water one went to the school for good and the fire one went to the school for evil. they both got into the trial by tale and watched (ohgod what were their names) bane kill the good kid from woods beyond. uh yeah i had fun working out all their gifts and stuff, i had a lot of characters planned n shit i should see if i can find the word docs for that. as per usual the middle of the fic was very. hazy in the middle

19. what are some books or authors that influenced your style the most?

BUN BUNFLORAS @bunfloras!! SUCH a big influence on both what i write and how i write most notably in finally being the one to convert me from past tense to present. oh dear can you see me? for properly introducing me to whump and kidza, both of which i adore reading AND writing. fuckin. whats her name. margaret owen is such a good writer her books are so good i love how well she worldbuilds and embeds it all so well into her stories. go read the merciful crow duology you will thank me.

21. pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about.

hmmmmmm. i think bun and i could write a good book together i mean we've already cowritten tens of thousands of words sfadsgdh. looks at rune and cam. looks at their rp. looks back at this question. yeah it would be about magic and queer relationships and growth and so much fucking angst

41. what is the weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.

i have no fucking clue. i have had so many story ideas i cannot keep track of them all. good lord. lemme check my google drive. OH I KNOW. that one klance fic i wrote from the perspective of a tree <3

44. any writing advice you want to share?

i feel like saying 'just fucking do it' is cliche. but its the best advice i can give really. write for yourself even if you dont publish it, read things you like and work out what you like about it and see if you can put that in ur own writing. write FOR YOURSELF. dont write for other people it will become a chore and you will regret it. people wont enjoy reading it if ur not enjoying writing it

81. if you could go back in time and give your younger self a piece of writing advice specific to you, what would it be?

god so much. not everything has to be about romance. stop taking on so many projects with deadlines at once. stop tracking how many words u write each day. write what you want to write. its okay to stop enjoying smth ur writing

writing ask game

(hi roo love you <33)

[hey-its-isaac]

regarding september 22nd, being 21, and turning into a bad person

hey, it's isaac.

i suppose i could have made writing here a yearly thing if i had remembered to write here on the 3rd, but i did not. that's not a reason to not get introspective though, now is it? while i'm writing into the void, i suppose it's a possibility you revisit this tumblr sometime, that you read the things i'm writing. because i'm not really writing to myself, or to anybody else.

i suppose that i'm writing to you, for some unknown and foolish reason.

i turn 22 next week in the year 2024. i've gotten old, a lot older than i was when i first made this tumblr, which as i previously stated, was out of a desire to be a poet. it later became a thing i used to make you laugh. most of the things i've done in my life were to make you laugh, something i've known to be true for a long time, but i realized even more after our reconnection.

every conversation, every text, every word, i was trying to make you laugh. as was stated in the book no longer human, that i suggested to you, "i have frantically played the clown in order to disentangle myself from these painful relationships, only to wear myself out as a result."

it's a bad habit, and yet i've done it with everyone i have ever known. perhaps its a subconscious desire to be useful. if i can make you laugh, you spending time with me has been worthwhile. i have given a purpose to my existence, as i have made you laugh. i have made your week speaking to me worthwhile, because i gave you a laugh or two.

it's what i do, right?

i have gotten older, and i have gotten angrier. my worldview is worse, my politics aren't as generous, and i can't stand the majority of people. and this is why i can't solve the question of why i afforded you such a great kindness.

i can't solve why i reached out, and why i only showed you kindness. i can't shake how you told me something that hurt me, that you showed your new boyfriend "blonde boyz," and how i didn't retaliate with "i played card jitsu with another girl."

i can't shake how it bubbled up in me, and i swallowed it, and didn't say it. i can't imagine you would have minded, just as truly, i didn't mind you showed someone else blonde boyz, even though it made me sad, even if just for my past self. i just can't understand that kindness i offered. the years of hatred that built up inside of me, starting when we were together, starting maybe even in 2018, another fact i withheld out of kindness. that hatred inside of me, and i was kind. i didn't lash out. i didn't hurt you, like i'd fantasized of doing for many months. you couldn't every begin to understand the thoughts i had had that long year. i'm ashamed of the person that i was then.

and when i remembered too much bad about you, when you showed your personality too much and i was disgusted, i simply left. i didn't lash out. i wasn't cruel. i just left.

it was kind of me.

that interaction is the one proof i have that i'm still a good person deep down. that i won't always give in to the worst of myself. that deep down, i don't want to hurt others. i want to uplift others.

deep down,

i want to make people laugh.

i want to make people happy.

because if i'm not, i'm a waste of space. if i'm being cruel, i'm worse than a waste of space. i'm a detriment.

hell, i post shitty jokes on twitter 50 times a day. who fucking cares, but maybe someone will find it funny. people tell me i'm funny, and so i try to make people laugh. sometimes i feel like it's the only thing that i have ever been good for.

21 was a weird age, probably the worst of my life, but also the one with the most change. i rented my own house, i got into a big university, and i can drive now. i got laid, i kissed a girl, and i learned how to live alone. i drank a lot, but i haven't smoked yet. i've done okay for myself.

i don't remember much of my teenage years, do you? i forgot a lot of it. even when i think about disney world, i can't remember it. it's a faded memory. i remember a few things that happened, a snippet or two of a time we shared, but i can't remember it. when i think about it, i think there's a mental block. perhaps its not that i've forgotten it, but that my mind has learned to tune out memories of us as a defense mechanism, even still now, that it doesn't matter as much to me.

you would never understand what it was like to be me, how desperately i had to work to keep any mention of you out of my life, as i would spiral intensely every time. i attempted self harm, a few times. i was suicidal.

i know i've always been depressed and anxious, and ive made jokes about killing myself, but i was really suicidal back then. october of 2023 was a really bad time for me, i don't like to revisit my journal entries from that time. i wanted to hurt myself. it was a compulsion, a huge desire.

its a twist of fate that i didn't.

so i guess, at least i'm doing better than i was then.

well, that was me checking in for this year. a lot has changed since i last wrote here, i guess i treat these as confessionals. the things that i never told you, that i don't have the guts to say to your face. that i hated you, that i hated you early on. but i truly did love you.

i'll end with this, an explanation for my hate. two things that described how i felt about you the entirety of our relationship.

the first of these is from make happy. i related a lot to bo burnham, in his song can't handle this. he said, "a part of me loves you, a part me hates you, a part of me fears you, a part of me needs you." i listened to this a lot in fall of 2018, perhaps even before we were together. i loved you, but i hated you. i resented you. i feared you, what you meant for me, and i needed you. i needed you more than i wanted to or should ever need a person, and that led to the other 3 things.

i also related to a scene from bojack horseman. this was the scene of mr. peanutbutter, and hes talking to todd. he talks about diane, and her role in his life. he said he keeps having a dream where diane isn't there. he says that she isn't dead, and she hasn't left him, its as if she never existed. and he said that he feels relief.

i had similar feelings to that. i didn't want you to go, and i didn't want you to die.

but i would have been relieved if i woke up and you were all just a dream.

or, that was a thought i had. who knows how i truly would have felt, right?

okay

see you next year

-IJF

[straykats]

anyways hi guys i love u all here are some thoughts ive had

on ocean vuong and my own writing. i'm revisiting vuong's works for an assignment (bc i suddenly have the opportunity to centre an entire project around it the way that i want to hehe) and i think i'm realising how much he's influenced ymy writing fr? obviously not like. the stuff i post/ed here but the stuff i've done for my writing classes. i've acknowledged his work/s as inspiration, but mainly in the 'his use of the vietnamese language...' way but i think my writing style in general leans towards his as well.. and idk how i feel about that? i'm not saying i write exactly like him or as well as him (god no) but the tone? but i do want to believe that i've written in That Tone and Style before (im pretty sure i have, even before reading on earth) but im scared that im 'copying' his style. idk. i really do love the voice he uses when he writes, the way he poses questions and presents ideas. yes i would love for my writing to affect people the way his has affected mine. but i don't.. i want to still have my own thing, that isn't mine just because the reader hasn't read vuong's works? and ig its all about pov and interpretation at the end of the day - it all lays in the hands (eyes? mind?) of the reader/audience how something is interpretted, irrespective of creator intent - but i'm stil lconscious of it. idk. hm. smth to consider when i write later this week ig.

on my own writing (in general). i think i really do lack so much faith in myself. the feedback i've gotten back for my writing assignments have honestly all been beyond what i ever thought i could get (?????? fckin full marks last sem???? and this sem, a HD even though i gave it so little thight????) but i still don't think. i'm like. capable of pursuig writing in any capacity. i know one way to kind of 'venture out there' and find out how i fare 'in the real world' is to apply to comps and lit mags and stuff but i just. ahhhbhdsvhsvsvs when i think outside of the uni context i just don't think i have it in me but again, i realise i just need to kind of start applying to and entering stuff but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

on crushes and relationships. sometimes i have like. Thoughts. like just passing 'oh i hope they think of me' or 'oh i hope they (only) do this to/with me' etcetc and i'm like. oh okay maybe this is what a crush is???? because in school it was more of a. like. the people i was conscious of were people i was being teased about, so i was conscious of them and had similar thoughts but not.. the way i do now? like. i was just worried that the other person would feel a certain way about something, or would only do something with me, would treat me differently etc and then people would notice and then the teasing and the rumours etc would get worse. but now im like. just thinking it myself. no anxieties other than 'oh is this weird' 'what if this is a crush? what if i actually have a crush on my friend/s????' (yes plural okay wait i'm getting to that soon) and idk like. the whole realm of 'romantic or platonic?' is not an unfamiliar one. but it being familiar does not mean i have an answer sigh. anyways. why plural friends??? (and additinoal question, which i wont explore here, but whats the general opinion on having multiple crushes? is that a thing? i know polyamory is a thing, but im not looking for or want a poly relo. is it even possible to have multiple romantic crushes at once? does that mean theyre NOT romantic? anyways. moving on.)

the one male friend who i am very conscious of having these thoughts about: we're not exactly childhood friends, but we were friends in childhood..? as in, we went to the same school. forced friendship kinda vibes. friends the way the majority of people in a primary schooler's class is their friend. but then i moved schools and ended up keeping in contact with him (amongst other primary school friends) and then we had serious/personal convos? and then we stopped talking for 5-8 years (memory sucks okay sorry) and then. now we work together and long story short we do share a friendgroup? but i'm not super close with him and idk if thats just how he is but ANYWAYS like do i just want us to be closer friends bc i ??? idk like i do wanna be closer friends w him uh guys this is actually EMBARRASSING

my best friend: okay look im more accepting of the fact that i do not (currently?) actually have a romantic crush on her but also like. what if i do and i just dont realise it and one day i realise it but its too late bc she'll be engaged fr (she has a boyfriend rn and i'm chill w it? sometimes i think smth about them and im like ??? wait huh is this jealousy or smth??? but then im like no its literally not) but yeah idk its 1am rn and my head isnt working so tldr; im pretty sure i dont have a romantic crush on her but i also do wish our friendship was more phsyically affectionate, the way some of my other female friendships are? and i think thats what confuses me? she's aware she's not a physical person (even w her bf) and we're aware that i am NVJKNVKS hm idk im making sense in my head but i dont think i am in writing

anyways them two^ do be the main ???? but im also like. what if im just wanting a different type of friendship yknow. like how much do i want. at what point is it no longer wanting a closer/different friendship, and is actually wanting a romantic friendship? how does one 'develop' romantic feelings??? im so confused man i wish there was a diagnostic criteria for these types of things. i cuold write a whole thing about rom/platonic relationships and confusion. maybe the confusion is a sign in itself (maybe im aro? but the idea of an (intentional and sconiously) romantic relationship is so neat and comforting and i??? but what if---- what if i just lobotomise myself fr feelings are so confusing

on the home situation [cw: fam neg, divorce, mental health?] mum got a house and she wants me to move in with her, if not both myself and my brother. dads kinda being a dick about this whole thing, but i also understand that with the way it happened, hes probably got a lot going on mentally. i don't like.. i don't like being able to understand and think about others the way i do. i become too conscious of the (possible) reasons why someone is acting the way they are. i get too empathetic and understanding and i don't know how to draw lines and do things with myself as a priority. i can't make choices that put my safety and wellbeing first, because i understand why everyone wants what they want and why they need what they want. i might even be extrapolating and overthinking things to the point that theyre not even half truths anymore. i'm so scared to make choices and hurt people because i've grown up with such strong fears that all sorts of bad things will happen if i do this or that, if i make someone feel a certain way. and theres a conscious part of my brain thats like. well. conscious that i need to Snap Out Of It and realise that i cant keep thinking and living like this and i need to prioritise myself at somepoint. idk i have a lot to say about this but i think it would need a sep post on its own. and better analysis of content post-writing to identify relevant warnings. hm. anyways. times do be tough.

on stationary, desk set ups, and productivity. this bits just for funsies but ive recently been kinda obsessed w the spiral notebooks that u can like. refill/replace paper etc and i think theyre so neat so i got a bunch of different paper packs and also folders or whatever BUT ive been too scared to use them? last week i tried to start like. daily planning and semi-journalling and i drew up september in calendar format or whatever and then a daily task thing w time schedules etcetc (trust okay the vision was visioning) and i knew i probably wouldnt be able to this daily but i could at least do it some days and try and get into a pattern but anyways yeah have not looked at it since KFJJKFNJSKNFSK. but i'm using the paper/folder thing now for project development (assignment) and i also want to have one dedicated to references etc (like an annotated bibliography kinda thing) bc a lot of the work i do centers around similar concepts so old material stays handy yknow but i always end up having to pull up old assignments and trying to remember what was in each reference. anyways. problem for later. i also got the logitech casa pop-up desk thing and i'm enjoying it v much. also got a desk lamp thing from amazon and its ocming tmrw and i'm hoping getting better lighting at my desk will make me more productive (i tend to be more productive working at the kitchen table, but its not ideal bc dads in the living room doing karaoke ....