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elisela · 1 year ago

Note

‘I missed you’ + sterek

west coast swing sterek, wild about you, long distance relationship

—

Somewhere in the air over Colorado, Derek gets cold feet.

It’s insane what he’s doing, actually. It’s just—no reasonable person would buy a last-minute ticket halfway across the US just because they miss the guy they’ve been dating for all of six weeks. Even if he and Stiles talk and text so often that Derek feels like it’s been twice as long, it’s just not … it’s not him. It’s not something he would usually do, and the rush of adrenaline he’d felt buying the ticket and driving to the airport is starting to fade, leaving anxiety and doubt in its place.

He blames Kira. And Jordan, who’d made a considering face and said, “Actually, I think you should go for it,” when Kira suggested he go meet Stiles out west. Lydia had called out her agreement behind him so she’s also on Derek’s list of people to ignore for the rest of his life if this turns out badly; even Allison hasn’t escaped potential blame, because she’s the reason he has a rolled up, ratty poster in his carry-on bag.

This is a mistake. He should just grab a hotel in Anaheim for the night and fly back to St. Paul in the morning. Maybe call Cora and see if she’s still in San Diego, but if she’s not he’d have to explain why he’d asked and he’s not up for that. Another point to the absolute insanity of this decision—he hadn’t even thought to book a hotel before throwing clothes into his bag and leaving.

He needs to never listen to his friends again.

—

A notification pops up on his screen as he’s scrolling through available hotels, then a torrent of them—all the texts from Stiles he didn’t get while he was in the air. Derek hovers his finger over the screen for a few wavering seconds before tapping on it, watching as the screen fills with four hours worth of Stiles’ thoughts, questions, and right at the bottom—

Stiles Stilinski [2:34pm]: Sorry for all the messages I didn’t give you time to respond to

He frowns, swiping away the text from Lydia that drops down in order to respond.

Derek Hale [2:34pm]: I didn’t have service, sorry. Not ignoring these—composing my essay about the validity of pepperoni and pineapple in my head right now, you’ll get the fully edited version later tonight.

Stiles Stilinski [2:35pm]: Heads up that the peer review board is going to be striking that one down as soon as it’s submitted.

Derek grins at his phone and navigates away so he’s not tempted to spend hours talking instead of actually making a decision, then clicks on Lydia’s text so he can put off making said decision for a moment longer.

Then he stares.

Lydia Parrish [2:35pm]: Did you know Jordan’s never been to Disneyland? Unbelievable. No time like the present though, right?

He’d ask if it was a joke, but Lydia had apparently anticipated that and had sent a photo along with the message, Jordan’s outline silhouetted against one of the large airport windows.

Derek Hale [2:37pm]: I didn’t need a babysitter.

Lydia Parrish [2:37pm]: Of course not. I took the liberty of booking you a room at our hotel. The confirmation is in your email. Lydia Parrish [2:38pm]: Coincidentally, it’s the same hotel the team is staying at tomorrow night. Lydia Parrish [2:38pm]: Our flight doesn’t get in until much later tonight, I’ll text you when we land. Lydia Parrish [2:38pm]: Just know we’re doing this because we love you and support you, but also because we knew there was a 90% chance you backed out before the game.

Well—she wasn’t wrong. He sighs, pushes off the wall he’d been leaning against outside the Starbucks, and opens his email as he makes his way outside to where the line of taxis wait.

—

He buys Lydia and Jordan tickets to the game—another thing he’s putting firmly on his questionable decisions list, if only for the teasing that will occur once they realize what he’s brought with him. He goes to Disneyland with them in the morning, takes pictures he’ll share on his Facebook later, and picks up a pair of Yoda ears he thinks Stiles would get a kick out of. Halfway through the day he gets a text—Stiles complaining about an extra mandatory practice, followed by a half-hearted threat to trip and injure himself to get out of said practice. But he really must have to focus because he doesn’t text again until later, just as they’re leaving the park and heading back to the room to get ready for the game.

Stiles Stilinski [3:54pm]: Do you watch my games? Stiles Stilinski [3:54pm]: I should actually be congratulated on my restraint because I’ve been wanting to know if you’ve changed your mind about hockey for weeks but I held back. Stiles Stilinski [3:54pm]: There’s no right answer but there’s definitely a wrong one so you know. Tread lightly. Or lie.

Derek has not really changed his mind about hockey, but it’s not like he’s watching the games for the hockey aspect of it.

Derek Hale [3:55pm]: I watch most of them. Some of them start too late for me though.

And then—inspired, he texts again.

Derek Hale [3:55pm]: Do you want me to watch tonight?

Stiles Stilinski [3:55pm]: Derek Stiles Stilinski [3:55pm]: I kinda always want your attention Stiles Stilinski [3:55pm]: In case you hadn’t noticed

—

Surprisingly, there’s no teasing. It’s the opposite, in fact.

“This,” Lydia says, pointing at where Derek’s unrolling the Marry me, Stiles Stilinski sign, “is romantic. Jordan? I hope you’re taking notes. You could learn a thing or two.”

Jordan grins and rolls his eyes, even as Derek shoots him an apologetic look. “Got it. You want a sign asking you to marry me.”

“Ha, ha,” Lydia says, sinking back into her seat. “I do want some of those fish tacos though, if you needed ideas.”

“You can both go get the tacos,” Derek says, because players are starting to appear at the tunnel for warm-ups and he’d like them both gone. Or there and quiet, but he knows that will never happen.

“Oh no, we’ve got too many people to send videos and second by second reports to,” Lydia says sweetly. “Speaking of—I’m pretty sure that’s him, so—no, Derek, don’t cover your face with the sign, Jesus.”

Derek’s stomach is in knots. It’s too much, it’s not enough; he wants Stiles to come over and give him the same wide smile he’s been used to seeing every day and also wants him to skate by without seeing him at all. His hands feel sweaty as he grips the poster, plastering it to the glass in front of their seats, and he looks down at the concrete floor like it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen the moment he sees recognition dawn on Stiles’ face.

“Derek,” Jordan says quietly, warm hand patting Derek’s back, “he’s smiling, man. Look.”

Stiles is less smiling than grinning maniacally, and he all but throws himself at the glass. “Derek!” he yells, and the knot that’s been in Derek’s stomach since Colorado vanishes. “What are you doing here?”

Derek grins back helplessly, and the words come easy in the wake of Stiles’ obvious joy. “I missed you,” he calls back.

Some of the exuberance slips off Stiles’ face, and Derek is suddenly looking at a smile that’s softer, much more private. “I missed you, too,” Stiles says.

—

Stiles Stilinski [1:38am]: You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me

Derek Hale [7:35am]: I know

Stiles Stilinski [10:16am]: Nvm I take it back

Derek laughs when he picks his phone up, leaning back when he feels Stiles slide in behind him in line for coffee, a kiss being placed on the back of his neck.

You’re the best thing that’s happened to me too, he writes, and hits send.

#sterek #stiles stilinski #derek hale #eli writes #obligatory this is unedited disclaimer blah blah

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the-ghost-king · 2 years ago

Text

I spent about two hours on this over the past couple of days in total, and I'm sure I've missed a few things and I guarantee that some of my opinions will not be shared by others and that's okay. I'm comfortable with people adding on their own thoughts and feelings and continuing on a conversation if they wish to.

Before I truly begin: this book isn't bad, that doesn't mean it's good it just means it's not bad. I think this book is both wonderful and awful, this book is both exactly what I expected and unlike anything I could have come up with. I will also clarify before you read this that I have never personally enjoyed any of Oshiro's work I've read, if you're someone who enjoys Oshiro's body of work there may be many places you disagree with me and I would like to note that ahead of time. I would also like to note that these are simply my initial thoughts, I finished TSATS two days ago and I have done some thinking and pondering over it since and these are the conclusions I have reached in that time. I cannot say how much of this I will agree with in a week, or a month, let alone three, or a year. I considered writing an essay and then decided a bullet point list would be sufficient, there is no order to these bullet points and some conversation points move in a circular way, I did not proofread this either. Also be aware there will be spoilers. Without further ado, my thoughts:

- Hades is weirdly ooc plus having him be responsible for this and him knowingly harming Nico and Nico just being like "oh ok i understand" undoes so much of the relationship progression from Pjo to BoO to ToA to here!!! Hades is still a god yes but he was becoming something of a father figure to Nico as well again and he just throws that all away because Nyx and Bob were "being annoying" and Nico is just… fine with that??? And they just jokingly brush the whole Hades loved more Bianca thing under the rug WITH MARIA RIGHT THERE

- Why are we reintroduced to Persephone like she's a new character? Sure it's from Will's pov and they've never met but the readers have met Persephone multiple times before!! It was weird to reintroduce her!!

- Worst editor ever, a few typos and apparently some copies have Nico saying his mother is Bianca? He also calls his mom Maria instead of mom or mamma? And we've only ever heard nico call maria mamma before this point so him calling her mom is less weird than him calling her Maria but still off

- Will… still doesn't have a personality entirely and what personality he was given does not match the personality he has in ToA OR in BoO??

- Once again, I don't like Oshiro's pacing and you can tell how hands off Rick was with the whole thing - I've never personally been a fan of Oshiro's work and one of my top reasons has always been their terrible pacing. I will read a phenomenal paragraph and then spend the rest of the chapter struggling to find anything that feels worth my time, and while i felt within chapter there was a fair bit of consistency between different chapters there was not- i would read one chapter that read well and felt amazing and then the next 3 chapters would feel like useless side plot that served no purpose. Oshiro also really struggles to maintain tempo in their work imo.

- Characters defining their sexuality in explicit terminology or labeling isn't inherently wrong but its also not in line with what we've seen so far and while this could be a sign of progress it could also be a step back so instead it's best to consider how this effects or determines characterization

- Nico's coming out party…. God… why?

- There's also this weird thing with so much of the sexuality/gender stuff that it feels more like a lecture than an authentic experience, for me personally based on the flow of these conversations and the events and things i feel like it was done to make this more palatable for a cishet audience rather than to maintain and authentic experience??

- Anyhow the thing where Nico kind of makes Will come out in front of camp is giving me love simon flashbacks and i just have to say making someone come out to a large group or in public just to be with you is so so gross… there was no reason for this to be a plot point whatsoever imo, it feels really ooc and it does that really upsetting thing lots of ya books do where it tries to depict that in order to be authentically and "properly" queer one must be public in their grsm orientation which i think is a pretty harmful/hurtful idea overall but especially in media designed for preteens and teens who are more likely to be living in environments where coming out is unsafe

- None of the jokes land

- Literally they have the worst nicknames for everything. I liked the cringe otherwise, it did have young teen relationship vibes… but that was unforgivable to me personally but i guess other people liked this? To each their own!

- On that note! I've talked a lot about Solangelo being two sides of the same coin in terms of how their relationship works and while symbolism would have been nice straight up seeing Nico given a coin by will was also cringe and too far? Nico gave Will his ring, this thing that we've built up over the series to view as a representation of his grief and loss and his family and love and home and a culmination of Nico and Will gets nico… this coin he just seemingly had made that has almost no symbolic meaning beyond that? Nico's ring is basically a character unto itself, not only does giving a physical object and having Nico outright state the symbolism of it ruin the "show don't tell" logic of authoring it also feels hollow as the reader has no connection to this object like Nico's ring. There was no reason for this other than to make an equivalent exchange which is kind of a sucky way to weigh a relationship… it could have been better for Will to give nico something from his past as well and to have the piece come up in a memory or something OR for will and nico to have exchanged these gifts at some point on or just before their journey so the reader got to experience this connection as well

- Will's pov was kind of trash actually

- Why doesn't Will ever talk about finding Nico attractive?

- We never have it explained what exactly makes Nico a "star" ..? Like its constantly alluded to or even stated he is a star but we never actually get to see why

- Will never really "goes dark" the sniffles are not dark, dark would be like straight up plaguing them or having some sort of ability to radiate heat and blast things or craft his own weapons out of light or just something beyond singing and having the heart blast effect thingy…

- Their relationship is stated they've been together a year and trauma can definitely change things but for whatever reason their relationship feels more new and raw and tender than it did in ToA??? Why??? They do not feel like two fifteen/sixteen year olds who have been in a relationship for a year, they feel like two thirteen year olds who've been in a relationship for three months?

- I also personally feel conflicted about them not having a major kiss scene? Like on one hand it's nice to see queer couples treated like any other couple and kisses to be fairly casual mundane interactions! But on the other hand being a queer couple especially an mlm couple in a children's/ya series and being able to show physical affection is really quite uncommon tbh and I would have liked to see maybe a little emphasis at least on the first kiss that the audience gets to experience on paper just to sort of acknowledge that groundbreaking act? But maybe that's just me?

- Additionally speaking all of their prior banter is just.. gone..? They literally don't joke around except for 2 or 3 lines in the book despite previously being a very banter heavy couple? There is no reason they can't be both soft and comedic or have banter yet be tender to one another? It's like all the joy that was previously in their relationship was traded for arguing and bickering and this weird pettiness that feels ooc in general but especially from them?

- What was the plot point of going to Sally's house to send the iris message? Why was Sally brought into this? She's cool and we love her but there was no plot reason to add her? Even the percabeth iris message only minimally added to the plot

- Why is Will so bothered by death? Like I'm cool with him feeling weak in the underworld. I can respect that from a tension building pov and also being in the dark does go against his nature but like death is not something against his nature? He is well acquainted with death? People die in medical settings all the time i guarantee he has lost many patients and brushed shoulders with thanatos more than most people at camp + he lost A TON of siblings in the war he would have to be familiar with grief AT THE VERY LEAST but yet he seems to lamblike to all these things the whole novel I feel it weakens his character, the story, the plot, previous books, and his relationship with Nico- if they wanted him to have some reserved hesitations about death they could have done it much more tactfully but they didn't?

- I also hate every time some sort of discussion about him being a healer comes up because yes he is a magical exception that makes him a "natural born healer" but they take that too far imo, yes he is a magical exception but the way this stuff is worded gives this like "Will is such a good healer he never fails or breaks down or fatigues from it" and i just feel like it becomes an unrealistic and unhealthy example after a certain point and I would have loved to see that exploration that so many fanfic authors have done wonderfully about how Will is overworked and needs to learn to take care of himself before his patients just to add that depth to his character but Oshiro and Riordan just skip past this and again it feels like a massively missed plot point to give Will a deeper character

- It's also weird everytime Nico is like "Will always takes care of me now I have to take care of him" because again it just feels like such an unhealthy way to view a relationship… like if a partner gets sick 3x a year and the other partner is sick 5x a year partner A shouldn't be like "well now you owe me two sickness helpings" or something you know? Thats so petty and immature and unhealthy for a relationship and it's something that can be unlearned but also like if they've been together a year and they're supposed to be like a perfect fit according to what i think the symbolism was trying to get at (so much of this book feels like a rough draft not a final cut istg) then why is this even included anyhow?

- Also Nico is ooc at points, he seeks to heal others a lot of the time as well- Hades even mentions this, how even when Nico is offered something for himself he uses the gift to help someone else- this is a quality Nico and Percy (and Jason) all really consistently display throughout pjoverse EXCEPT Nico doesn't do this early on in the text?? He is unfazed by the nature of some things in the underworld (Will is right the fields of asphodel are perhaps more horrific in some way than the variations of hell provided in the underworld) and Nico is just like "yeah that's just how it is here" which kind of goes against that character trait + (though i may be confusing fanfic and canon here) didn't Nico and Hazel have a whole convo about how upsetting or painful asphodel is?? It goes on kind of even more so in this regard though where his regard for humanity seems significantly less so than in previous texts, there's something else as well i can't exactly put my finger on yet that also feels ooc … I'll keep thinking lol

- Once again to the "why is Nico a star thing" we have Nico constantly talking about how live exists even in the underworld and it's obviously intended to be a metaphor for hope and finding light in the dark and therefore a whole solangelo metaphor too but Nico brings it up and Will doesnt understand and then they argue (?) And then the metaphor falls flat because we never get to see this explored; we just have it Stated out loud a few times? Like there are many good explanations as to why this keeps getting brought up especially because we can also tie in how Will and Nico are alive down there or how Nico is seperate from the rest of the underworld because despite being part god he is also part mortal

- Once again Tartarus isn't actually scary and there's only so much "it's for kids" I'm willing to accept there, give it more Coraline please!!

- Again an issue with the Nyx thing, Nico doesn't agree with Nyx about who he is because Nyx cannot understand life and Nico can because he is mortal- Nico's mortality is a hugely defining aspect of his character because it sets him apart from the gods and the dead that make up so much of his life- in order to truly appreciate death and the afterlife you have to actually live and know life and change and things and the gods in their consistency are more like ghosts than anything

- It's also very irritating that this was never explored !!! So much of what makes demigods special in the rest of the series is their godhood and their connection to godhood, they are powerful because they are beyond human. However in Nico's fight with Nyx and some other aspects of Nico's behavior but most notably Nyx vs Nico is the culmination of this situation is that Nico's greatest strength throughout tsats is that he is mortal. He is powerful because he is human. He does all the things he does the way he does them because he is human. He is something beyond the gods' understanding because he is mortal- and that's all just swept under the rug for…? Honestly i have no idea why it makes no sense how that is a constant theme in this book yet it feels like the book falls constantly short of actually grasping that concept.

- And if you're wondering what the plot symbolism of Will being involved in all this is? I dont fucking know he doesnt have one he was kind of just dead weight the entire story!!! He was basically there just to help Nico pick some fruit and have dialogue with. I feel like Will was potentially supposed to represent how the "average person" would feel on this adventure but personally I feel if that is the case that I may be one of the worst people to understand that perspective as I have a peculiar and poetic love for death and dying.

- Plus when they're wandering through Tartarus's digestive tract (if you're reading this and you haven't read the novel yet or you didn't yet finish it, yes this is a thing that actually happens) and Will starts struggling with his memory, I would have loved to see the effects of that situation on Nico explored more as I would assume amnesia and people forgetting about him/leaving him would be a very difficult thing for him to deal with yet instead we're just told they passed stories back and forth and that made everything all right + not sharing much of those stories with the audience was again a missed character building moment for Will and a missed relationship building moment between them!!

- Them cuddling in the hut together and Nico wanting to wake Will up to share his nightmare was kind of cute though I will admit to that much

- I also hate how they put all this time and work into saving Bob and then Bob just fucks off into the sunset like everything is normal?? He just fucking dips like nothing even happened??

- Also people have been saying Will kissing Nico when he found out Jason was dead was wrong, and look idk if I'm personally going to go that far but I do think as a first kiss it's definitely weird than cute?

- I think Will's background and childhood could have been expanded on a lot more to make him an interesting character- we learn some about his life with Naomi before camp (and its nice to see her as a complete person and I think she has cool mom vibes for real) but I feel like the only adventure we get to hear about is him and his mom being in New York for concerts… what about other places around the country? what about the life he had with her when she wasn't touring?

- Along this same vein I feel like Will's behavior in the story not only doesn't match his behavior from the previous appearances he's made, but that for someone who seems to have spent a lot of time on the road getting to experience lots of different places (even if it was just the US, that's still pretty significant) I once again truly cannot understand his weird behavior about dead people and the underworld- its not only inconsistent with previous behaviors and beliefs he's exhibited but if he's been show so much diversity from a very young age he's probably naturally curious and inquisitive as well as naturally adventurous and outgoing- yet instead he basically just sticks his nose up at everything underworld-ish?? It not only weakens the plot, his character, and his relationship it also makes no sense with previous set ups AND it has no true culmination by the end of the story because we never truly see him accept or enjoy the underworld and what it has to offer he merely endures it.. so again, what was the point of him acting like that?

- Unpopular one: coco puffs are very cute but i find them unnecessary and completely over the top even for pjo and i can see them becoming annoying later on but that's just me personally.

Okay, I'm going to call it quits here. There's probably more I'll think to say later on but I feel this is a good summary of my initial thoughts. Weirdly enough, despite the negativity here, I would still recommend people read this book? I feel conflicted about whether or not the book belongs among my favorites, and it would certainly be the worst book among my favorites and/or recommendations for novels if I do end up feeling it belongs there. I have to say even despite as much as this book fails, I admire what it was attempting and I think like so many works in pjo before it there was a level of unrealized potential here amongst the text that will always be mildly infuriating. I feel very strongly that this book is a whole new era in Riordan's pjo verse, despite some aspects being "cringe" or some things being literary flops and emotional failures in my opinion, i do think this novel may be one of the most "mature" pieces in Riordan's collection- even in his and Oshiro's failure to bring MOST of their narrative full circle or to tie up their loose ends I can see what they're going for and I think having a taste of that potential really did something for me. I have read lots of books that leave me staring at the ceiling for hours in wonder and awe with a feeling i cannot describe as anything other than a "readers hangover" a desire to hold onto that book and to keep it beside me for a long time just to remember reading it, and I would pick it up many times through the following week or two just to rediscover certain parts, i have to say this book has definitely not been that. However I did spend a long time looking at the ceiling pondering it, and I do think I will reread it in the next week or so- but I have less a desire to return to the events of the novel and more a desire to simply upturn more stones in the landscape and find what I am missing. I want to say I hate the book, that it has no redeeming qualities, that everyone should simply leave it behind because of how awful and excruciating I found this novel- that wouldn't be accurate. I think this is the greatest book I have ever had the misfortune to read, I have never cared so deeply for a book I cannot stand. I absolutely adore this awful thing. I feel comfortable saying that for me, personally, percy jackson will never be the same again and that this book has completely changed the field and depth of my experience. I am literally failing to put into words how this book makes me feel. I suppose this book is my most wretched child and I shall cherish it dearly.

#long post #tsats spoilers #tsats #pjo #nico di angelo #will solace #solangelo #ask to tag

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faffreux · 1 year ago

Note

Why Fawful?

I've actually got a (brief) answer written out for the FAQ on my upcoming website so I'm actually going to copypaste that here! Hope it helps!! --

"This is a HARD question to answer for me because there's no quick way to do it. I couldn't possibly list all the reasons here because that would likely require an entire essay. That being said, I'll try to sum it up for you:

Fawful makes me feel understood. He's weird in a way that's comfortably familiar to me. We understand one another's strangeness which has led to him having been one of the people in my life that make me feel less alone in all of this, especially as an autistic person. I see him and it's as if I'm meeting a kindred spirit, regardless of the fact that he's nothing but fiction to most people. In many ways he embodies a lot of traits I admire and have always want to have myself. As an example, for most of my life I had trouble expressing anger, even when the situation completely justified it. I would often back out of situations where I should've stood up for myself and instead allowed myself to be stepped on. To put it bluntly: I was a pushover.

I once had a dream where Fawful spoke to me about the concept of "righteous fury" (aka justified anger) It's the sort we all need in order to stand up for ourselves and help motivate us to do the right thing both for ourselves as well as for those around us. I'm able to utilize that in reality now much more than I used to, as if something was finally unlocked in a way I cannot even begin to explain. Being able to allow myself to just be mad and show it for once in my life has been cathartic and feels like finally being able to release all of the energy from when I was wronged in the past so I can finally move forward into the future and let it all go. I even made my first pieces of vent art as a result of this - (one in 2021, a couple more in 2022!) This is of note because previously I was NEVER able to project anger or other 'negative' emotions I needed to release into art.

THEN THERE'S THE CONFIDENCE! And the fact that he didn't always have it! We get to witness his journey from Superstar Saga to Bowser's Inside Story as a source of incredible growth for his character. Fawful literally goes from STUTTERING with anxiety when thrust into the spotlight ("St-standing in the spotlight at such a gala of spectacularity... My nerves are nervous!") to later performing on a stage all his own with complete confidence! ("Excited crowd! You feel it? Fawful is also feeling it!") That is INSPIRING to me. Having struggled with both generalized anxiety as well as panic disorder for most of my life, there's a part of me that felt if Fawful could grow through his anxiety in that way, there's no reason why I couldn't either. I've already conquered so much of my own fear in the last 3 years alone so I KNOW it's happening and he's been a big part of it!

There's also the fact that he came into my life at time when I needed him most which in turn deepened the attachment I already felt. My love for his character goes back to when I was a kid so in many ways he feels like a bridge between my past and present. He's also just fun, y'all... Everything about him is fun and colorful: from his almost-permanent smile to the kingdom he comes from being a place represented by laughter, a place I'd love to have been born in too. ALSO... HIS SENSE OF FASHION... DON'T GET ME STARTED BECAUSE I COULD RAMBLE FOR EONS ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS MAN'S SENSE OF STYLE!!

We could also talk about how he's literally the reason I'm making art at all these days. I don't know how you wouldn't get attached to something that is the sole reason you are able to do creative work again after 8 years of feeling like it wasn't even worth the effort. (This is a story for another day, though. Just know that Fawful himself is what brought back my artistic drive! He's the reason I'm still an artist today!)

Also okay, I would be doing myself (and him) a disservice if I didn't bring up the fact that I find him incredibly sexy does indeed play a part in all of this. I've always been drawn to the unconventional, and Fawful is simply the definition of physical perfection to my brain. I don't expect nor need anyone to agree with me here, and frankly I've recieved quite the list of 'interesting' responses over the years in regards to the fact that I find him the hottest thing on God's green earth but nothing anyone says is about to change my mind about this, I assure you. ;)

Lastly, there's the subject of my dreams: Fawful's been a regular visitor to them now since 2021. These dreams are of note for being chronological in the sense that they play out as if I'm visiting with a dear friend I've met many times before. With each new visit Fawful and I recall every dream we've already experienced and are even able to discuss the things we've seen months or even years prior. I've had experiences in my sleep that are hard to put into words and translating them into some of my more expressive or abstract art is sometimes the best I can do when I don't feel like I can do them justice otherwise. Just know that they've been incredibly life changing for me and sum up everything I've said here and more. Fawful is incredibly real to me in ways that are difficult to explain to the average person and I accept that that's just how it is and that not everyone will understand. I care about him as both a character as well as an individual whom I've grown to love deeply despite his flaws.

And wow, if you've actually managed to read all of this - thank you!!"

#fawfultalk

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enn-jay · 8 months ago

Note

Can u share your list with us so we can know what to expect

Always happy to talk about my writing! 😁

So this is the list I'm working on atm. I have no idea what order they will come in as I just work on whatever takes my fancy and sometimes a new idea comes in and takes over - which is what happened with Treacherous and Is It Over Now? As I've said before, I get very little time for writing, sometimes as little as 2 hours a week, so I do what I can. Luckily, I have the amazingly supportive @emmainldn cheering me on constantly, otherwise I'd probably never get anything written!

Haylor fics currently in the pipeline:

The Very First Night - about the first time they got together in March/April 2012. I started this before Treacherous but it's got similar vibes, so might end up taking a backseat for a while as I used a lot of my ideas for it in Treacherous. I do have other ideas for it though so it will probably happen eventually. It's a bit more angsty than Treacherous as it goes a bit "rust that grew between telephones-y" later on.

Just A Little Bit of Your Heart - Sequel to Midnight, late 2014ish. Harry wants to be with Taylor properly but she's keeping him at arms length and he's not very good at communicating. Angst and possibly no/little smut which is weird for me! This is almost complete and will probably be posted first.

Cruel Summer (working title) - Summer 2016 (possibly, not 100% decided on the timeline). This one will be open/ongoing episodes/hook ups and is literally just an excuse to write smut whenever I want without having to think of a proper storyline.

A Million Little Times - this is the big boy. Long series fic where Taylor is with John when they meet but Harry falls for her anyway. Over the years they hurt each other a million little times but they can't seem to stay away from each other. This will be split into two halves and I'm not posting until the first half is nearly done, so don't expect it any time soon, but if I go quiet, I'm probably working on this. I'm pretty sure it will be worth the wait.

Passports in Footwells - Break up fic Dec 2012/Jan 2013 - Chronicals the little mistakes and misunderstandings that leads to them breaking up even though they still love each other. Heated arguments, full angst, almost definitely some smut too. This one is only a couple of sentences long atm but I can see it zooming past the others cuz I'm really excited for it. I like writing pain.

Vigilante Shit - Current Harry watching a TikTok of Taylor performing Vigilante Shit at Eras. Very short but about finished, I've only not posted this because it's so short and I'm wondering if I need to add something else or make it part of a series or something.

5 Reasons Matty Healy Hates Harry Styles and 1 Reason He Doesn't - haylor from an outsiders perspective looking in. A very jealous outsiders perspective. Inspired by an incredibly interesting 1 hour video essay I watched about Matty having one-sided beef with Harry Styles. And Robbers by The 1975. I'm well aware noone asked for this fic but the idea came to me practically half-formed one day. 😂

I Can See You - Vmas hook up! - Someone suggested this the other day, but there is a scene in A Million Little Times which I think is set at the vmas so might include it in that...if not though I will write this at some point because 🔥🔥🔥.

#haylor fic

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ohnoitstbskyen · 2 years ago

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So a bit of personal behind-the-scenes blogging here about YouTube sponsorships, doing creative writing for a job, workloads and stress and burnout.

I am never taking this many sponsorships ever again.

I don't know if there was something in the water in September or if a bunch of marketing budgets just needed to get burned, but at the end of August I started getting a lot more emails than usual from agencies that wanted to purchase sponsorship integrations. I'm sure there's some structural industry-side reason for this that I'm simply not privy to, but from my perspective it was just a flood of emails.

There were the usual ones, of course, the RAID: Shadow Legends sponsorship that I am getting very tired of turning down over and over again, a bit of crypto-nonsense and Play2Earn games which can go get f*d, and then a smattering of things that just kinda don't fit my channel or my audience, like a Chinese-run site doing online coding classes for people who want to emigrate and work in the PRC, or one of those semi-fraudulent "purchase a square foot of land in Scotland and become a Lord, technically!" which are, like, usually just a harmless novelty, but not really fit for my audience.

The way influencer marketing on YouTube works (at least at my level of micro-celebrity) is that companies will contract marketing agencies to run campaigns for them. The agencies bid against each other for contracts, promising to deliver maximum engagement at minimal cost. The company picks an agency and gives them a pile of money to spend on ad-buys. Agencies reach out to influencers en masse (usually through mailing lists and directories of channels above a certain size, listing their general content and likely audience profiles), and ask us how much we charge for a 30-60 second integration.

The marketing agency's objective is to make their budget deliver as many trackable metrics for their client as possible, usually in the form of signups, clicks, website traffic and so on. Some agencies will focus on advertising only with huge names that have massive reach, some will pick out a hundred smaller creators hoping to cast a wider net. Most agencies will do some mix of the two.

So, they email me like "how much for an integration?" and I... have to invent an answer. See, there isn't really a standard rate for any of this. How much is a view on my channel worth? How much return on investment does an ad on my channel generate? I'm just a person, I don't have a market research department, I don't have any education or training in evaluating the effectiveness of advertising. I make video essays about game characters and occasional anime.

The best resource for YouTubers on this subject is... each other. We basically just have to talk to one another, figure out what everyone is charging and try and derive a reasonable rate from that. There isn't a union or a guild, there are no associations or central resources (or even community resources) that set the standards or allow us some form of collective bargaining.

My problem is that most of the peers I talk to don't really do influencer marketing. They stick with ad revenue and Patreon/Twitch subscriptions, or just aren't on the radar of advertisers yet, so I'm flying this one kinda by the seat of my pants.

Ayway, returning to the subject. In September I get a lot more inquiries about sponsorship than usual, which puts me in the very unusual position of turning sponsors down not because their product is a bad fit, or a crypto scam, or RAID: Shadow Legends, but because I simply can't make enough videos fast enough to fill the "order."

I book Squarespace and Skillshare, which are reputable companies whose products I've used myself, which basically fills out my schedule, and then the offers keep coming. I should not have accepted as many as I did.

---

I should say, I've never been poor. I come from a middle class family in a Scandinavian social democracy, there are safety nets under me that most people don't get to have, and I don't ever have to really be afraid of ending up on the street or starving. What I have been is broke. I used to make my living as a commission artist and cartoonist, and spent essentially a decade constantly, constantly dancing right on the very edge of being able to make rent each month. I was chasing a dream of building up a customer base to fund my independent comics work, and... it broke me a little bit. I came down with a very dark depression that I couldn't really deal with, and spent weeks and weeks pulling all-nighters chasing commissions and doing work trying to scratch money together.

YouTube happened entirely by accident, and for all that I've complained about the troubles that come with this work, might have genuinely saved my life a little bit.

I bring this up to say, ever since the YouTube gig started reliably paying my bills, I have had at least a couple of realizations per year of just how anxious and freaked out I still get about money. I still check my online bank obsessively, I still fret over keeping savings and paying bills, I still feel guilt over spending money on non-essentials.

And when I get too many sponsorship offers, I still feel like I should accept all of them, and pull whatever all-nighters it takes to fulfil them, even though I'm not 24 any more and when I tried to do it as a 24 year old it caused a depression that nearly made me suicidal.

Because what if these are the last sponsorships I'll ever get? What if the next sixth months are really bad months and I don't make as much in ad revenue? What if my videos lose steam and the audience moves on? What if everyone gets tired of me? What if someone copyright strikes my channel twelve times out of nowhere and kills it forever?

I haven't been broke in years now. I'm not a wealthy man, but I haven't been broke. I don't have a pension fund, but my bills are paid, and looking rationally at the statistics and analytics I have access to, there is literally no reason to believe it'll all go "poof!" and be gone overnight.

And yet, I feel so guilty about not taking every sponsorship I can ethically take. I feel so guilty about not hoarding money, building savings, protecting myself, "being responsible." And I feel so afraid of that unnamed catastrophe lurking just around the corner, where I'll be punished for my hubris to think that I was ever safe, and thrown right back into that fearful scramble. Right back into that depression.

It's a sticky fear. You scrub and scrub and scrub, and the stain of it just won't come out.

---

I took too many sponsorships in the latter half of this year. This is a champagne problem, there are creatives I know who would kill to get sponsorships at all, and I'm not trying to fish for too much sympathy here. "Oh no, too many people wanted to give you money to read 60 second ads, boo hoo YouTube man, how sad for you" is, like, a valid response to this. I'm not exactly being ground down by the Amazon Fulfilment Center over here. It's not a cry for help, or a plea for support, it's just a blog.

But I took too many sponsorships. I clogged my schedule, and committed myself to a lot of work, and... every other part of my life suffered. I found it harder and harder to spend time with my family, because the next deadline was always on my mind. That knowledge that taking time to do anything else inevitably means a harder rush to finish the work, it means more stress and less space to think, less space to do good work.

Because that's the other anxiety, of course. Having taken these sponsorships, I now feel pretty intensely that I need to make videos that are good enough that my audience doesn't feel taken advantage of, that they feel that the content I put behind the ad was worth the time they took to sit through it. Sponsored videos need to be better, they need to have higher production quality, better scripts, better editing.

So how do you justify taking time to do anything else?

I spent less time with my family, I became less and less able to keep the apartment clean, less and less able to cook, less and less able to even spend time socializing and doing enrichment for my pet rats, which they need for their mental health. And I started to feel the familiar sensation of burnout eating me up from the chest outwards.

I had started taking piano lessons at the local community center, something I've wanted to do for myself for a decade. And I had to cancel those lessons over and over again, and usually last minute, because work just got in the way. Last week I told my teacher that I simply wouldn't be able to make it to them anymore, to cancel the whole thing. And that knocked the wind out of me more than I thought, honestly. That was something I had been so excited to finally do for myself, and it just got bled out in front of me by the workload I couldn't get myself to say no to.

I've dealt with burnout many times before. I know what it is, I know how to recover from it. But I have never learned to stop inflicting it on myself. I am a workaholic, I am addicted to the stress of this sh**, not because I find it pleasurable, but because for ten years the satisfaction of finishing a piece of work and securing the paycheck was the only sense of real relief and catharsis I ever got to feel from my anxiety, and I don't know how to stop chasing that high. When I'm stressed, when I'm anxious, when I'm feeling unsure or unmoored, the only response I know is to drown myself in work. Energy drinks and junk food and too little sleep. I don't have any other real coping mechanisms.

It'll take... a while to fix those things, I think. It's not happening right now. But I am promising myself this, at least: I am never taking this many sponsorships ever again.

#tb blog #personal post #youtube #influencer #burnout #depression #workaholism

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aceofroses-queenofstars · 1 year ago

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Re the don Giovanni post you made in October, I would like to read those shitty essays you're talking about if you got em

OH yes! Don Giovanni essays!

In order of least favourite to favourite:

The Operas of Mozart - William Mann. I hated this book and the one chapter I read. He basically says listen I don't think Anna was raped but I think it would've been good for her if he did. 0/10, misogynistic asshole.

Mozart's Operas, a critical study - Edward Dent. Really not much better. Ignores Anna's pain and grief to just paint her as a cold, naive socialite. 1/10.

I got these two from physical books so I don't have any links for them. The rest, I do!

Music, Sexuality and the Enlightenment in Mozart’s Figaro, Don Giovanni and Così Fan Tutte - Charles Ford. I couldn't find much about Anna here but it does talk about Elvira and Zerlina. Not very kind to them, the gist is that they behave kind of in spite of themselves? 3/10, not exactly what I was looking for.

The Problem of Donna Anna: 'Risk-free identification?" - Catherine Laws. I got a lot from this about how the women of Don Giovanni fit or defy stereotypes. It also talks about how romanticized the opera has become, and issues that stem from not looking at the work in a critical light. 7/10, love a work by a female scholar.

The sexual politics of teaching Don Giovanni - Liane Curtis (couldn't make this one show up as a big link for some reason). This was an Interesting read. She talks about Don Giovanni's place in the classroom, and how it's been perceived in the courses she's taught. There's a lot about how student's reactions to the work are informed by rape culture and how the work could be quite triggering to those who have experienced SA, and argues that teachers really need to dedicate time to understanding the whole of the opera instead of glossing over it and allowing harmful ideas to perpetuate. 9/10, incredibly interesting, i think all music history profs should read it.

And Finally!

Understanding the Women of Mozart's Operas - Kritsi Brown-Montesano. Now this is a full book that I only read the first chapter of. But WOW was that first chapter eye-opening. It discusses Donna Anna from the first Don Juan story until now, gives scathing critiques of the victim-blamey scholars at the top of my list, and makes a well-researched case for Anna and her quest for vengeance/justice. I love it. I want to read the whole book. It took me quite some time to get through, the text is quite dense, but it's well worth reading. 10/10 I want to write her a thank-you note.

I was able to access these papers/books through my university, so I can't guarantee how accessible they are if you don't have a connection to a library or academic institution, but I know this is the website of getting around things like that. I won't be posting my actual paper bc 1) it's not actually done yet, still needs a final draft, 2)it's an undergrad summary paper and 3) it does have my personal information attached to it. Basically imagine it as all these papers and my opinions of them combined.

#@novonick ik it took me a while but here's the papers!#rape mention #rape tw #don giovanni #opera #long post #research #feminist literature #rose rambles #mozart

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lil-tachyon · 2 years ago

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Hey logan, i'm trying to get into sci fi more, do you have any media, movies or otherwise you'd say it's a must watch for someone starting to get into it? Thanks

Super broad question! And precisely the thing I love to talk about. Although unfortunately I really don’t watch a lot of movies or TV so the best I can do for you is list some stuff I like and hope that you find something you enjoy. If we were talking sci-fi literature, that’s something I would probably write a full essay on- if anyone’s interested in reading my thoughts on that and getting my really long list of recommendations, just let me know. I might even do it on my own anyway, just for fun…

I guess if we’re going to talk about “must-watch” sci-fi movies then we have to talk about Star Wars first just to get it out of the way. I’ll keep it brief, far too much ink has been spilt regarding this franchise and you can find more in-depth opinions somewhere else. The original trilogy is great- there’s a reason it launched one of the biggest media franchises of the past 45 years. Endlessly rewatchable, somehow still looks better than basically any other big budget SFF popcorn movie and just plain fun. If you somehow haven’t seen the OT yet, get to it.

You don’t really need to watch any other Star Wars stuff aside from the OT. The prequels aren’t exactly essential and they’re unquestionably worse in terms of dialog, acting, pacing (i.e. the nuts and bolts of storytelling.) If you’ve never watched Star Wars before you won’t have any nostalgia for them so you can skip them. Don’t even bother with the Disney sequels- pointless and incoherent. If you DO for some reason want more Star Wars in your life I can give you two recommendations:

First is the masterpiece that is Genndy Tartakovsky’s (creator of Samurai Jack) Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) (no, not the CGI Clone Wars show you’re probably thinking of). Split into 25 episodes ranging in length from two to twelve minutes, the whole show is only about two hours long but boy is it sweet. There are no main characters and not much in the way of an overarching plot. Instead the show is composed of a series of rapid-fire vignettes that take place across the entire Star Wars galaxy and tell dozens of unique microstories. It’s pulpy and fun and never takes itself too seriously and the whole thing is on YouTube because for some reason Disney actually hates everything that made Star Wars good and hasn’t taken the time to copyright strike it.

Second recommendation is the Mandalorian. I didn’t believe it when people started raving about it, but it really is great and tells a poignant, self-contained, original story. It’s not perfect and it definitely suffers from the Disneywars curse of really obnoxious references to the OT, but it’s absolutely worth the watch.

Damn that’s so much more time than I wanted to spend on Star Wars. I always forget how much of a SW geek I am until I start talking about it…

Quick list of the other big “essentials” that I’ve seen and can recommend before I get into more personal stuff (in no particular order):

Alien (1979) - Weird and creepy and gross and with impeccable visual design in every single frame. I need to rewatch it, only seen it once.

Akira (1988) - Massive, groundbreaking, unsettling, beautiful. Brought cyberpunk into the visual realm, brought anime to the West in a whole new way. I could rewatch it a hundred times.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) - A foundational film that moves at a foreboding crawl and leaves you feeling unsafe and unsure of what you just watched. (Also my dad’s band referenced the monkey scene in their big-label debut music video, so that should be reason enough to watch it)

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) - UFOs, the American West, and the most 70s-looking cast imaginable. It feels more a product of its time than most of the others on this list, but I love it for that and it does nothing to make it any less impactful or engrossing.

The Terminator (1984) and Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) - I waited waaaaaay too long to watch these. I only got around to seeing them this past year in fact. I had always just written them off in my head as nothing more than cheesy 80s action flicks but my God are they good and so much different from what I expected. The first one is basically a sci-fi slasher film and the second is probably the best sequel film I’ve ever seen and takes everything in a totally different direction that still manages to build on all the groundwork laid by the first. Please watch, don’t be like me and wait until you’re twenty-six.

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984) - My favorite Ghibli movie. For being a film about people flying airships and fighting bugs in a giant toxic jungle, it really has a lot of important stuff to say and says it very well.

Castle in the Sky (1988) - Hits a lot of the same plot beats as Nausicaä and, imo, suffers a little bit in comparison but still a great anime sci-fantasy romp.

The Thing (1982) - Disgusting sci-fi horror in the glacial Antarctic wastes

The Twilight Zone (1959-1964) - The first, the best. Sure, it’s inconsistent in terms of quality, but it’s at least consistently weird and inventive and the good episodes are really damn good. Also something I love about it is the acting- it’s very over-the-top expressive and exaggerated. Feels more like it’s meant for the stage than for the small screen. You don’t see a lot of TV like that these days.

The X-Files (1993-2002, 2016-2018) - Absolutely in my top 5 TV shows. It was great to watch as a 14-year-old because I was still young enough to find it scary, and it’s great on every re-watch because I can really appreciate how much chemistry Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny have and how fun, goofy, and overall weird it is. As I recall it starts to decline noticeably in season 8. Season 9 you’ll have to grit your teeth to get through. The 2016-2018 revival is half composed of unwatcheable “storyline” episodes and half surprisingly good-to-great “monster of the week” episodes.

Cowboy Bebop (1998-1999) - My number one favorite anime, I love everything about it. So much effort goes into small background details and characters that only appear for a few seconds and it really goes a long way to making the whole universe of the show feel so real that you could see yourself living in it. Also the soundtrack is top-notch, I listen to it regularly.

Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995-1996) and End of Evangelion (1997) - Another one that I took too long to get to and to be honest I probably would’ve been more into it had I watched it when I was younger, but it’s still great and I recommend it. Features a classic “inflation suit” episode

Stuff that’s less “essential” but I really like it:

Planetes (2003-2004) - My second favorite anime. Starts off as a workplace slice-of-life and slowly builds into a really, really emotional conclusion. Can’t recommend it enough.

Forbidden Planet (1956) - A sci-fi adaptation of Shakespeare’s The Tempest (I’m an illiterate piece of shit so I can’t tell you how good an adaptation it is). It’s slow-paced and eerie, and way more atmospheric than its decidedly 1950s visuals would lead you to believe.

Digimon: The Movie (2000) / Summer Wars (2009) - A short story: as a kid I probably watched the Digmon Movie about a million times. It was huge with kids my age and was probably an entire generation’s first introduction to ska-punk. It’s a great movie. Anyway, fast forward about a decade and a half and at some point I sit down to watch Summer Wars with my brother on no other information than that we heard it’s good. And it is! But pretty soon into the movie we both notice something odd- it seems to feature almost the exact same plot as the Digmon Movie. After a bit of digging we find out that they were both directed by the same guy and it seems he just had this idea in his head for a story that he really wanted to make for over a decade because Summer Wars is basically a more mature and less merchandisable remake. Watch them both!

Samurai Jack (2001-2004, 2017) - the first cartoon I saw as a kid that really made me say “finally, something for me!” I wouldn’t get another TV show aimed at me that was “cool” and “epic” and “badass” until ATLA came out. Nothing beats watching a samurai fight a million robots and bounty-hunters on an endless quest to go back to the past. Also the season 5 revival is great and I genuinely don’t get why a lot of people seemed to really hate on it.

Moon (2009) - It’s been a LONG time since I watched it, but I liked it quite a bit. A lonely lunar miner runs into what seems to be his double and things get spooky…

Prospect (2018) - More space miners running into trouble! Really great costume and prop design on a super small budget (but you wouldn’t know it from how good it looks).

Mobile Suit Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket (1989) - Listen- I’m not a gundam guy. I don’t care about all the different robots and I’m not about to watch 40 years of TV to try and figure out the story. Which is why War in the Pocket is great because it’s six episodes long and it just tells a really touching story punctuated by cool robot battles and you don’t need to know anything about Gundam to enjoy it.

Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honnêamise (1987) - A story about a space race set on an alternate world. What really sets it apart is the visual design- every detail from books, to currency, to texts to vehicles, to architecture is unique enough to feel totally alien but also grounded enough to somehow feel familiar. It’s quite an achievement. Trigger Warning: there’s a very uncomfortable rape scene in the middle of the film that seems to come out of nowhere. I’m still not sure why they chose to include it.

Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade (1999) - Military police get up to some real nasty stuff in alternate history fashy 1950s Japan. Very depressing, all my friends complained to me about how sad it was even though they went into it knowing what it was about and agreeing to watch it with me. You just can’t win sometimes!

That’s about all I have for now. I know it’s all kind of basic bitch stuff but like I said, I don’t often watch movies/TV. Hope it helps and thanks for the great question!

#sci fi #send me an ask!#long post

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rutilation · 2 years ago

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See these two? I’ve been thinking about them. A lot. So much so, that I’ve started getting ideas about what their deal is, what their roles in the story may turn out to be—that sort of thing. Maybe the following is pure fanfiction, or maybe I managed to mind meld with Fujimoto after staring into space for long enough. Time will tell. But, I warn you now: I did not merely don a tinfoil hat to write this, but an entire Venetian ball gown’s worth of the stuff. I’ll be attending the conspiracy masquerade dressed to the nines. I’m gunning for the tinfoil crown. Click the readmore if you’d like to be my date for the evening.

Before we can attend the soirée in question, there’s a big ‘ol something I need to unpack: I’m one of those people—those wretches who believe that Yoshida is secretly the Death Devil, and what’s more, a whole lot of my thoughts regarding both Yoshida and Famine are predicated on it. While I only very recently started engaging with this work and its fandom, I’ve nonetheless gotten the distinct impression that this particular theory is something of a sore point for a lot of people—one that had already been argued to the point of exasperation and resentment by the time I got around to ticking Chainsaw Man off my reading list.

To any potential readers of this humble essay who feel that way, I have this to say for myself: while I can’t guarantee you’ll find my reasoning convincing, I can guarantee that my thoughts on the matter are more substantial than pointing at panels of Yoshida in a conspiratorial manner and trying to find the kanji for death, or the numeral ‘4’ amidst crosshatching. I find that exactly as inane as you do. With that said, I’m first going to address some common objections I’ve seen to this theory before I get into the real meat of my speculation regarding these two mysterious characters.

The Death Devil embodies a primal fear, and is too strong to be killed. So whoever they are, they’re still in hell. Paradoxical as it might seem on the face of it, the Death Devil might have an easier time dying than their fellow primal fears—who’s to say their mastery over death can’t extend to themselves? If I were to put myself in the shoes of the embodiment of death, I can easily imagine being bored with the entire concept of self-preservation, turning off my regeneration, and letting myself die every now and then in order to bounce through different reincarnations, trying to sooth the crushing ennui of my cursed existence. And what do you know, Yoshida seems pretty chill with the prospect of his own death.

Why doesn’t he have the swirly eyes? Despite being a dead giveaway for the four horsemen, no one in the story ever notices or comments on them. Yoru couldn’t even recognize Famine at a glance,* despite being close enough to clearly see her special anime eyes. I’m thus inclined to believe that the concentric rings in their eyes exist for the benefit of the audience and are invisible to the characters, or even completely non-diegetic. And something that is displayed for the audiences’ benefit can be obscured for that very same reason. Alternatively: his eyes are black with black rings.

Why would the actual Death Devil get bodied by Quanxi? And why would he have to rely on another devil to fight, for that matter? One: because she’s just that cool. Two: If he is the Death Devil, presumably the most powerful in existence, it may be the case that it’s actually impossible for him to use his power offensively for anything other than mass, indiscriminate death. Thus, he would have to rely on other devils or his own physical strength to fight in a remotely constructive way. All else would be like using a nuke to open a pickle jar. Another possible explanation is that his life would be upended if his identity were ever revealed, and so he goes to great pains to not let even a hint of it slip. If I’m correct about bullet point one, he would see dying and starting anew as preferable to the inconvenience of living with a constant target on his back, and thus wouldn’t use his own powers even when his life is in danger.

Kishibe, who is a living lie detector, trusts him. There’s no way Yoshida could hide being a devil from him. To the contrary, I think Kishibe is in on it, and I’ll get into why I think so once I’m in the meat of my speculation.

Makima would surely be able to smell it if Yoshida were the Death Devil, why would she want him of all people guarding Denji? Calling on your unfathomably powerful brother (who you’re hoping to kill in the near future,) for a sham security detail as part of a passive-aggressive power play is not only in-character, it is downright Makimacore. I don’t think her primary concern in this situation is necessarily how powerful the hired help is, but whether or not they would have a reason to steal her precious Chainsaw in the first place. Or, perhaps she simply couldn’t smell him properly for a reason that has yet to be explained.

Devils can’t make contracts with each other, so how could he have Octopus at his beck and call? Maybe they’re buddies who go way back. Maybe Octopus doesn’t want to anger the biggest fish in the pond, and serves him out of fear. It could be anything. Hey, if you think about it, the number eight is really just two fours. In various east Asian cultures, the number four represen—

*I am taken out via sniper rifle.*

In the grand tradition of Fujimoto’s iconic female villains, Death, the final boss, ought to be the mommy-est domme of them all, and anything short of that would be an insult to the femme fatales who came before. Listen, I also love his bad bitches. No arguments there. But who says the Death Devil has to be some sort of overarching supervillain in the first place? I’d honestly find it more interesting if they weren’t. Thus far in the narrative, death with a lowercase ‘d’ has been presented as something you grapple and come to terms with in order to fully appreciate love and life, and it wouldn’t be especially interesting if the character who embodies that concept were a Final Fantasy super-witch. In my humble opinion, it’d be more profound if they were just as lost and pathetic as the rest of us. I’d honestly rather Fujimoto pull a fast one and unveil Kobeni as the Death Devil, as opposed to giving us a scheming Ultimecia-alike for the role, you feel me?

I like Yoshida better as a tragic cog in Public Safety’s system. Why can’t he be that instead of the Death Devil? ¿Por qué no los dos?

If Yoshida were the Death Devil, it would ruin my ship. Come on, don’t succumb to the quitter mindset. I believe in you.

Now, far be it from me to undermine my precious bullet points after I just went through the trouble of writing them, but I don’t actually think this whole back-and-forth on what would constitute a plot hole is especially productive. None of it matters. At the risk of getting a bit abstract, I’m of the belief that a plot hole is something that only exists in retrospect, and as such, they aren’t useful guides for predicting how an ongoing story can or cannot play out. When you’re in the position of storyteller, you can spin things however you desire, and the reasons you come up with to justify your decisions are similarly arbitrary. It is solely the audience, and not the author, that is relegated to following breadcrumbs and extrapolating based on what came before, a process that only becomes problematic if their fingers can catch on splinters and loose threads in the seams of the plot after the fact. Whoever the Death Devil is—whether they’re someone we’ve already met, or a yet-unintroduced character, their identity won’t be determined by the readership��s painstaking process of elimination, but by Fujimoto thinking “wouldn’t it be neat if [x] happened?” and then honing and molding the idea to make it fit into what was already written.

All this is to say, I’m invested in my interpretation not because of how well it slots in with the other puzzle pieces—all of which are malleable anyways, but because of what I think it could potentially add to the story. And with that, I think I’ll cool it with the bloated preamble, and start getting into what I believe that potential to be, starting with the moments in the story that convinced me of this theory in the first place.

I’m sure people have harped on this moment before, but I want to reiterate that this, right here is, a truly ludicrous thing to ask on the face of it. To my knowledge, even the anti-death transhumanist crowd envisions humanity’s ideal relationship to death as one where it is a voluntary option at the end of a very long life, which is a far cry from death itself being retroactively purged from the weave of time, unable to exist anywhere in any capacity. And the latter is exactly what it would mean for Pochita to eat the Death Devil. It would create a universe inimical to any form of life aside from cancer cells, and anyone who’s given the matter more than two seconds of thought could understand that. I can see why Makima would try it—she was so high on her own hubris that I wouldn’t expect her to objectively consider the viability of her whims—but why would Yoshida, who, by all accounts, is not lost in the sauce, want this?

For such an extreme desire, there has to be an equally extreme motivation. And I haven’t come across an explanation—or managed to think of one myself, for that matter—that satisfies those bizarre parameters other than Yoshida himself being the Death Devil. The fact that he’s thoroughly unbothered by the thought of his impending demise one moment, and wistfully wishing the concept of death itself would disappear the next, feels like a smoking gun to me. The best I can come up with is that he, like a certain other devil who deals in death, is sick of the burden that comes with his existential condition, of being constantly inundated with the grief and fear of the dying and the bereaved—and that it’s gotten to the point where he wants to be put out of his misery for good, consequences be damned.

The second scene that pushed me into the arms of this theory was the café scene in chapter 122. I know a lot of people took this chapter as proof that Yoshida couldn’t possibly be the Death Devil, but for me, it was quite the opposite. Something about his interaction with Famine here felt off to me, as if the reader is not privy to the full context of the conversation. Why does Yoshida feel comfortable approaching and threatening one of the four horsemen without leverage or backup? Why did she acquiesce to his threats regardless, all while seeming completely unafraid of them? Why did Famine take him up on the invitation in the first place, something even he found strange? What’s with all the terse, silent glances between both parties?

It’s fishy, quite fishy. I actually have a lot to say about this scene, but I can’t get into my interpretation of it in any depth until I delve into my thoughts on Famine. So, we’ll just have to put a pin in it for later. For now, though, I’ll say that many of those niggling logistical questions go away if you assume that the answer is: ‘he’s a more powerful devil than her, and what’s more, there’s shared history between the two.’

So, because of those two scenes, I couldn’t help but consider Yoshida as the Death Devil to be a strong possibility. But, beyond that, I also think it makes sense as a matter of narrative efficiency. It seems to me that, among other things, Part 2 is going to be about the horsemen—who and what they really are, what their deal is, etc. If I’m right in that assumption, then one would want to start getting all their ducks in a row early, especially if that someone is a design-by-subtraction enthusiast like Fujimoto. So, the idea that we’ve already met the Death Devil, and have been given a little bit of context as to what drives their character, makes sense to me.

But, who am I trying to kid, pontificating the finer points of structure, and expectation, and all that jazz. I’m wearing this tinfoil crown, so I ought to live up to it. We have a ball to attend. Wild speculation, ahoy!

Let’s imagine the sequence of event goes something like this: Pochita has his grand climactic battle with the four horsemen and weapon devils, vanishes from hell, and finds a young Denji, who seems to be about six or seven years old, shortly thereafter—he was freshly wounded in the flashback, after all. If that incarnation of the Death Devil died during the fight (probably for shits and grins—see my first bullet point,) then his present incarnation could conceivably be around Yoshida’s age now, accounting for the fact that devils seem to skip infancy and are born as children. It may also be the case that rate at which devils mature is variable depending on the environment they grow up in; a devil being raised by a human would have the luxury of indulging an extended childhood, while one who’s basically a critter in the wilderness couldn’t afford to do so.

Anyway, I believe Yoshida belongs to the former category, which brings me back to my assertion that Kishibe is “in on it.” Like many, I too get the vibe that there’s some sort of father-son relationship between the two (a somewhat strained one, to be exact, but I’ll get into that in just a moment.) What if the reason Kishibe thought it would be a sound idea to have Denji raise the new Control Devil was because he had already done the same thing with the Death Devil years earlier? Perhaps he happened upon a young Yoshida, and, already weary from the deaths of his comrades in this endless meat grinder of a conflict, decided that killing him would be a futile act of kicking the can down the road, choosing instead to raise him as his son in the hope that the most powerful devil would grow up to become something other than a monster.

If all that is true, it adds a layer of tension to Kishibe and Yoshida’s relationship that might explain some of the latter’s aloof attitude, along with his stated aversion to emotional vulnerability. Any affection he might feel toward his father figure is tempered by the knowledge that whatever love and care he was shown in this lifetime was given with the express intent of neutralizing his potential as a threat. Even if this were a misconception, I could definitely see Kishibe being too emotionally constipated to properly correct it. And so, Yoshida never pressed the matter, and never crossed a line. In essence, he kept things parasocial. Because, without the veil of plausible deniability, he might actually find out for sure what his relationship with Kishibe amounts to, and if the answer is one he doesn’t like, it might just crush him. And so, like Asa, he leads a lonely life of being symbolically boxed in by his own speech bubbles.

This is a tangent, but while people often point to Kishibe and Yoshida’s conversation in chapter 67, along with the former taking Quanxi’s fiends hostage to save the latter’s life, as implicit proof of their relationship, there’s one other instance in the story that also gave me that vibe. That implicit vibe. It’s Kishibe’s comment that Denji is most fit for the role devil hunter out of anyone he’s met. Given what we know of Kishibe’s philosophy, Yoshida would, as far as I can tell, more perfectly fit his definition of an ideal devil hunter. He’s much more emotionally detached than Denji, he can go almost toe-to-toe with Quanxi—Denji’s not even close in that regard, and while he isn’t quite as galaxy-brained, he can still unnerve and outwit most opponents he comes across. So, why Denji and not him? Perhaps it’s because, in his heart of hearts, Kishibe doesn’t actually want his own kid in this line of work, even if he is God’s perfect little killer.

So, if Yoshida is, essentially, a domesticated primal devil, it would also give him a more personal stake in this prophecy business. The King of Terror mentioned in the prophecy could be reasonably interpreted as—if not Chainsaw man—then the Death Devil. And if the devil in question is some moody teenager who wants nothing to do with the apocalypse, who’s spent his life trying to not be an existential threat, who may have even developed an entire complex about it, he’d have a strong incentive to directly involve himself in stopping the prophecy from coming to pass.

This is all a bit heavy, so I’m going to slip on my tinfoil party hat for a minute. In addition to the Sturm und Drang, I believe there is quite a bit of comedic potential that could be mined from Yoshida being the Death Devil. For one thing, it would be pretty amusing if our leads for Part 2 comprised a literal three-ring circus of portentous secret identities. And beyond just that, it would also add a wicked and belated punchline to Asa and Yoshida’s farce of a first meeting—the one where Yoru brazenly hits on him, all while taking Asa’s humiliation smugly in stride. But, if Yoru were to learn later on that she was, in fact, propositioning her own brother, then just imagine her reaction. Comedic gold, imo. It’s high time she felt the weight of her own cringe.

Most of my speculation up to this point had been slowly pin-balling through my brain in some form or other for a couple months, but I wasn’t particularly invested in any of it. I thought it might be cool if Yoshida turned out to be the Death Devil, and wasn’t inclined to rule it out, but I didn’t think it was especially likely either, and I certainly didn’t have any desire to put myself out there, and breathlessly post about it. Waiting and seeing seemed more appealing. But, then, I started thinking about Famine. I just about bored a hole through her head as I asked myself: what purpose do you serve, and why are you here? Well, the answer I eventually came to excited me enough that I not only devoted some three thousand words to her, but I simply had to take Yoshida along for the ride as well, once the pieces really started falling into place. And with that, I think I’ll start talking about Famine.

Whereas Part 1 is full of fragile, yet intense bonds in which the characters can find solace between their excursions through the meat grinder, Part 2 is all missed connections, people talking past each other, trust issues, and crippling loneliness. With that in mind, what does it imply that the apparent villain for this stretch of the story wears the mantel of deprivation and disparity? Chainsaw Man places such profound importance on food as an expression of love, be it wholesome, toxic, and everything in between. So, there must be strong thematic significance to a character who is, quite literally, defined by its lack—a lack of food, a lack of resources, and a lack of love. It’s a whole bundle of key concepts which the story has revolved around, all embodied in a single word. So, while the series has had a few throwaway villains in the past whose purpose was, essentially, to look cool for an arc and then exit stage left without leaving much of a lasting impression, I felt fairly certain Famine wasn’t one of them for the aforementioned reasons. Nevertheless, I struggled to get a read on her for the longest time.

I asked myself: what do I know about Famine?

She claims to be on Yoru’s side, and says she’d do “anything for my little sister.”

She’s insinuated herself in the devil hunting club at Asa and Denji’s school.

Yoru wants nothing to do with her, claiming that she’s dangerous, and unhinged.

In addition, Yoru is averse to discussing her at length.

She’s in favor of Asa/Yoru turning Denji into a weapon.

She doesn’t care about hiding her identity.

She insists on being called Fami.

She’s at the very least aware of the prophecy, and Public Safety has reason to believe she’s working to bring it about.

She’s subdued and cold in her affect.

Her totemic animal symbol is a penguin.

Her design is full of asymmetrical elements (e.g. the moles and extra lobe piercings on her right ear,) which are meant to evoke the image of unbalanced scales.

She’s constantly slouching.

Her scale earrings happen to resemble Denji’s pullcord.

No amount of food satisfies her.

I also tried thinking about her in the context of the previous antagonist. Makima was presented initially as an ally, and did things that were technically positive and heroic. But, she was up to so much underhanded and menacing shit that it was impossible for even the most careless reader to take her at face value, and much of story’s tension lied in whether she would be revealed as an outright villain, or merely a cutthroat, duplicitous ally.

Famine feels almost like the inverse of that. She’s presented as an antagonist, and does some vaguely villainous things. But, is she one? There’s a dearth of clarity of intent by comparison. While Makima held her cards close to her chest, her actions themselves were never ambiguous, if that makes any sense. Famine’s motives, her aims, what she does and doesn’t have a hand in—they’re all completely obscure. There are a whole lot of assumptions and impressions of her floating around from Yoru and Yoshida, and she’s probably involved with this Justice Devil business… maybe. But, the devil in question has very little to say for herself, as opposed to Makima, who, when prompted, could justify herself ‘til the cows came home.

Makima’s iconic expression was one of self-satisfied serenity. Famine’s typical expression is, by my reckoning, one of constant, subdued dejection—the sort of look you might wear after glimpsing a dead bird on the pavement, feeling vaguely bummed about it for the rest of the afternoon. Where Makima was consistently scary, Famine has been, at most, creepy, and, more often than that, simply awkward.

With all that in mind, I thought to myself: “Okay, she probably is a villain, but she’s definitely not of the Machiavellian girlboss persuasion. Her vibes are completely different. Makima shall keep her crown”

The degree to which Yoru avoids her was also interesting. If Famine were “crazy” in a straightforward manner, I don’t think Yoru would be so reticent to talk about her. If you think about it rationally, shouldn’t she want Asa to be thoroughly debriefed regarding a powerful enemy who just stepped onto the playing field? For all of Yoru’s clumsiness in other spheres, she’s clever when it comes to fighting, to tactics, to all the things that war entails. But instead, she withdraws into herself and refuses to discuss Famine beyond a single curt warning. Whatever happened between these two, the emotions must have run high.

Then there’s the matter of penguins. For those who aren’t compelled to keep up to date with the intricacies of Japanese wordplay as they become relevant to the story, let me offer a refresher. In Japanese, Famine’s name is 飢餓の悪魔 (kiga no akuma.) The most common term for penguin in Japanese is the loan word, ペンギン (pengin.) However, kiga, when spelled 企鵝, is another word for penguin. She is properly introduced immediately after Denji stomps off to go see penguins, and his line about it is also the subtitle for the cover of volume 14—the one with her face on it. To the Japanese readership, it’s readily apparent that Famine is being connected to penguins in much the same way as Denji is to dogs, Power to cats, or Asa to birds. (As an aside, I’m not sure if this was purposeful or not, but Famine’s conspicuous fuchsia eyes seem reminiscent of a Macaroni penguin’s.)

Now, charming though that pun may be, the question of the meaning behind Famine’s association with penguins remains. Prior instances of characters being personified as animals have always been thematically important, so it’s worth digging into. Here’s what I envision when I think of penguins: they survive in an uncaring and unforgiving environment. They gorge themselves on fatty fish so they can survive fasting as they huddle together for warmth through the sunless winter. They are birds, but cannot fly. They are effortless swimmers, but cannot remain in the water. They live in cute little families, build cute little pebble nests for themselves, and use their cute little feet and bellies to shelter their chicks from the frigid air. The choice to associate her with penguins evokes, in my view, a constant push-pull between profound devotion and stark deprivation.

The denouement of the aquarium arc makes me think I might be onto something with this interpretation. While Kiga (飢餓) perches ominously atop a building in the typical villainous fashion, distant and forlorn, Kiga (企鵝) curiously waddles up to Denji looking for affection, for that all-important hug, which he is happy to provide. And, in that same moment, Famine and Yoshida share a tense glance. I’d like to think I know subtext when I see it, and this moment seems loaded with it. At this point, I started to get the feeling that Famine was being subtly set up as a tragic figure.

It was when volume 14 was released that my synapses started really (mis)firing. When I first saw its inside cover illustration, I felt a heavy sense of significance that’s hard to put into words. There’s a sense of bleak exhaustion radiating off the page, and it fascinated me. Okay, she’s definitely going to be a tragic figure, nothing subtle about it, I thought to myself. I started pondering: just what could that tragedy be? What would have enough gravitas to warrant representing Famine with such dire imagery? And then, the realization that made me obsessed enough to start writing down my thoughts hit me. The four horsemen are siblings. Siblings. What if they’re actually a dark mirror to the would-be siblings we fell in love with in Part 1? Certainly, if I were in Fujimoto’s position, I wouldn’t be able to resist drawing parallels.

I started absentmindedly walking into walls as I wondered to myself: okay, tragic siblings. Got it. But, what is the saddest possible way one could combine these ingredients? Well, how about something that Chainsaw Man has touched on, but never deeply delved into: the devils’ cycle of reincarnation.

I noticed something: neither Makima nor Yoru have ever indicated that they regard their fellow horsemen as siblings, much less addressed them with any implicit camaraderie or endearment—thus far, only Famine has ever done so. And then, I started thinking about that in the context of my musings that the Death Devil might be more killable than the other primal fears. Rather than Death, I venture instead that Famine is the horseman who has never once died. If that were the case, it would serve to explain why she has resting-depression-face, and why she slouches over as if she has something weighing her down.

Consider, also, her insistence on being called Fami. There’s no way to know for sure until we’ve seen her talk to someone who definitely can’t be a horseman, but what if “Fami” (Kiga-chan) isn’t what she wants to be called in general, but how she wishes to be addressed by her siblings? (I suppose Asa would be considered an in-law in this scenario.) It’s a bit weird that Famine objected not only to Yoshida addressing her by her devil title, but also to him calling her Kiga-senpai. It just had to be Kiga-chan. Perhaps that’s how her siblings used to call her, once upon a time, and by insisting that they address her as such, she’s clinging to the vestiges of their old relationship.

Let’s say the story of the four horsemen goes something along these lines: Once upon a time, they were a loving family, found or otherwise. Life sucks, as it does, but in finding solace in each other, they could weather whatever life threw at them. One by one, though, each of them die, except for Famine. That’s okay, though: all she needs to do is seek out their reincarnations, and they can pick up where they left off. But, it’s not quite that simple, is it? Because she’s the only one who carries the memories, the love, the expectations, and the trauma of loss. Even if she managed to make it work out in earlier iterations of the cycle, by the time the story starts, all of that has completely fallen apart. The four horsemen are now enemies bound together by nothing but a shared title, and Famine is the only one who remembers that they were ever anything else.

If all of this is starting to sound familiar, that’s because it’s what Denji is going to have to contend with when he reunites with Power. While hybrids like Denji are very difficult to kill (I’m assuming they work off of lich-rules,) devils like Power don’t have a long shelf life in practice, even if their bodies have no definite lifespan. Assuming he doesn’t get himself truly killed, or otherwise permanently dismembered, then on a long enough timescale, Denji is going to keep persisting while Power, and even Nayuta, are going to keep dying. If he wants to keep their relationship alive, he’s going to have to recreate it every. single. time. a feat which will become increasingly difficult as Denji’s baggage grows, and the shared context forming the basis of their relationship gradually drifts out of synch. That, I think, is the entropy which Denji will soon find himself up against, and Famine’s purpose in the story is to show its terminus—what it means to succumb to it.

Like Denji, Famine will partake of the crapburger for as long as she has a purpose to cling to. That purpose is her siblings, and their former relationship—one that, once upon a time, may have been as profound and loving as the bond between Denji, Aki, and Power. And in that, we may have found the reason why Famine’s most prominent design element is one she shares with Denji. Her pullcord-like earrings are meant to clue the reader in that these two are foils, a pair of middle-children who were thrust into a role of heavy responsibility after losing their siblings.

If Famine were to lay down her burden and let death take her, it might be a relief. But, she has decided to bear the burden of remembering, of witnessing the arc of her siblings’ lives across their many reincarnations. If she lets go, then who they once were, and the bond they once shared, would be completely lost to history, its final thread broken. And so, she keeps on trucking, her expression growing ever more haunted, her feelings and actions becoming ever more unnerving and inexplicable to her siblings, her heart growing ever more twisted, and her signature stoop growing ever more pronounced with the millennia. And, while keeping all that in mind, let me remind you of Yoshida’s possible desire—to erase himself from existence.

Obviously, this all pure conjecture, (an entire Venetian ball gown’s worth, in fact.) But I think an ordeal of this degree would give Famine a tragedy worthy of both her name, and her association with an animal that struggles to keep its family alive against a backdrop of utter desolation. Not only that, it would also tie her into the ongoing theme of parasocial relationships: she can’t help but project her siblings former selves onto their new incarnations, unable to meet them where they’re at, and see them for who they are in the here and now—this disconnect may well be why Yoru is so creeped out by her.

(Speaking of all this reincarnation angst, do you ever think about how our silly little guy Beam seemed to recall his past life with perfect, nonchalant clarity, and simply never saw fit to share with the class? I think about it all time.)

Anyway, if you assume that Famine’s goal is to protect her siblings, and that she’ll intercede whenever one of them is in danger of permanent death, her actions start to make a bit more sense. Why would she want the prophecy that ends with ‘Mars’ reigning to come true? Because she shares Yoru’s worry humanity will stop fearing her, and that her sister will subsequently die for good. Why does she antagonize Chainsaw man? Because she knows her brother wants to use Pochita’s power to kill himself—something she could never abide by.

She may have resigned herself to never being loved or even understood by her family again, to perpetual emotional starvation, but if Pochita ate one of her siblings, then she’d never get to love them again, whatever wholesomeness they once shared would be unspooled from time itself, and not even her memories could keep them alive. She’d fight like hell to stop that from happening, with Pochita and, by extension, Denji, rising to the top of her shit list. This may also serve to explain why she wanted Asa to turn Denji into a weapon—something which would ultimately be counterproductive to Yoru’s goal of getting him to regurgitate the nuke devil. If Famine wants to neutralize the threat Pochita poses to her siblings, merely killing him would only delay the inevitable, since he’d soon be reborn back in hell. But, if she were able to trap him in some sort of limbo state, that might actually ensure he’d never be a threat again. And thus, she sets the aquarium arc in motion.

TL;DR: Famine is basically Homura. Purple? Check. SHAFT headtilt? Check. And with that, I’m finally ready to talk more about the café scene, and why I’m not normal about it.

Having heaped all that additional (highly speculative) context over top it, the scene between Famine and Yoshida at the café is transformed from a mere vehicle for exposition, to a fraught reunion between two people who were once close, but can no longer recognize each other. It would explain why this scene made my subtext senses tingle the first time I read it. When I revisited chapter 122 in light of my speculations, there were several new things I noticed.

Something that had stuck in my craw for the longest time were these little symbolic gestures which connected Yoshida to Aki, of all people. It made no sense to me. Aside from their shared tendency to tower over everyone like a beansprout, what on earth does this smug jackass have in common with our dearly departed, single father of two?

But before I get ahead of myself, I should clarify what those parallels are. Part 2 is littered with small callbacks to concurrent events in Part 1, which seem to exist in dialogue with each other. As for those linking Aki with Yoshida, it starts as soon as the latter’s introduction to Part 2. Part 2 doesn’t have an equivalent to the muscle devil chapter; we go straight from the initial demonic possession to meeting the bestie and saving cats, as it were. As such, Yoshida’s introduction in the second chapter of Part 2 is essentially in tandem with Aki’s introduction in chapter three. Next would be the scene of him and Denji in the café, which is in tandem with Aki’s scene in the hospital in chapter 11. Both come after the Bat Devil is killed and a cat is saved, and both involve Aki and Yoshida respectively trying to bribe Denji with food into behaving. This last one isn’t concurrent like the other two, but Yoshida sitting on Denji reminds me of Aki doing the same at the beginning of the International Assassins arc. It’s all pretty conspicuous, and I’m far from the first to have noticed. So, considering it’s almost certainly deliberate, what is it, then, that motivates comparing Yoshida to Aki?

After eating several rolls of foil, I realize something. What if Yoshida is being compared to Aki because, once upon a time, he was someone’s Aki? Famine’s, to be exact. Given that Famine refers to Yoru as her younger sister, it’s probably safe to assume that the “birth order” of these siblings, as it were, is the reverse of the order they were introduced in the relevant verse from the Book of Revelations, with Death being the eldest, and Conquest being the youngest. The comparisons, I posit, are meant to clue us in that they’re both older brothers.

And then… and then, I realized that, if I was on the right track, you could draw a clean thematic through line from Aki cutting the little bunny apples at Denji’s bedside to bribe him into behaving, to Yoshida taking Denji to a café to bribe him into behaving, to Yoshida inviting Famine to that same café for their stilted conversation. And what’s more, they’re at the same table, and with the same seating arrangements—the only difference being that Famine takes Denji’s spot, providing her with yet another parallel to him. I just about started seeing shrimp-colors, I was so starry eyed.

Maybe I’m hopelessly lost in the confirmation-bias sauce, and seeing something that isn’t there. But, to me, it seems that Famine’s expression becomes slightly more crestfallen than usual after Yoshida threatens her outright. It’s a subtle microexpression, and she’s back to her usual poker face on the next page, but assuming I’m not jumping at shadows, then this further convinces me that he means something to her. I can’t imagine that just any old thing would be capable of putting a dent, however subtle, on Famine’s stony countenance. But, for someone she loves to threaten to kill her? That must still sting, no matter how long she’s had to get used to it.

So, that’s what I think the story of the four horsemen is building to: a millennia-long family drama that’s about to reach nuclear criticality, with both Asa and Denji poised to get caught in the blast radius.

Phew, that was a lot. And I’ll be downright embarrassed if none of it ends up panning out. There’s nothing quite as jarring as pouring your heart and mind into an interpretation, downright making it your baby, only to later realize that you and the author weren’t ever on the same wavelength. However, if we want the rewards of glimpsing shrimp colors, we must submit to the mortifying ordeal of crack theories. To anyone who’s still here, thank you so very much for reading my brain vomit. If even 15% of this ends up being ballpark-accurate, I will die on the spot. In the meantime, please talk to me about how Chainsaw Man is a stealth shonen reimagining of Mawaru Penguindrum; I feel like I’m going insane in my little corner here.

*I think there’s a strong case to be made that Yoru intuited who she was at the time, and was just in denial because she didn’t want to deal with or think about Famine, but my point stands regardless. If she were able to perceive the rings in Famine’s eyes, there’d be no room for either doubt or denial.

#chainsaw man #i'm like... 55% confident in my read of yoshida #75% confident in my grand unified theory of fami #and 90% sure of my penguin analysis

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biblioflyer · 2 years ago

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What is Gene Roddenberry's vision?

And just how much should we care about adherence to it? In which I try to surface the values and setting assumptions that underpin Star Trek as conceived of by Gene. This part of my series of essays examining the question of Whether Star Trek Picard portrays the Federation as a dystopia?

Alright we need to face this head on. We have a bit of a problem with uncritical adoration of auteurs. Usually men. The science fiction and fantasy space is dominated by men who get raised up on pillars for having a distinctive vision. Gene Roddenberry, George Lucas, Frank Herbert, Ridley Scott, James Cameron, Stan Lee, Joss Whedon - the list goes on. We all know there’s a bunch of women whose work was either ignored or should be reevaluated who should go into the pantheon of awesome women genre writers like Ursula K LeGuinn, Octavia Butler and Mary Shelley. That’s not really what this essay is about but we do need to be mindful of this aspect of “the Gene Roddenberry problem.”

It's probably not surprising given this blog’s premise of Loving Critique / Critical Adoration, that I’m neither fully onboard with “Death of the Author” approaches to consuming media nor am I totally against it. If you per chance have a setting whose author you have chosen to ignore because their opinions and real world conduct are intrusive and seem dissonant with the moral clarity you see in the work, you do you.

On the flip side, I think there is much that can be rewarding in trying to suss out an author's intentions and analyze media against those intentions. What I find troubling is weaponizing authors to win silly arguments.

Gene’s vision is sometimes used synonymous with concepts like “canon” to assail “NuTrek.” Sometimes it's even used to reject everything from roughly season three of The Next Generation onward. The premise being that the further one is removed from Gene Roddenberry being directly involved, the more it no longer reflects and respects his aesthetics and worldview. This is also intimately wedded to the desire to treat Star Trek as a history of the future.

What is “Gene’s vision?” That’s a complicated and much debated concept that everyone seems to think they know what it is and thus can wield it to smash the arguments of their opponents. As I think respect for Gene’s vision does not require fanatical adherence to it in every detail, I am prepared to offer some nuanced interpretations of it, including some interpretations wherein I think Roddenberry may have been a bit naive. I am also approaching this from a standpoint of believing that Roddenberry was fundamentally a good faith actor and that Star Trek represents an attempt to apply his sense of justice, how people should order their lives and societies, and his sense of what the future holds.

Like reasonable people, Gene’s opinions on specific matters likely changed often while his core values would have changed slowly if at all. Therefore one might expect that details of how people relate to one another and how the setting is constructed would have changed quite dramatically in some ways between the firmly Cold War situated TOS and The Next Generation which arrived at the tail end of the 1980s at a time when a more triumphalist / end of history mindset was beginning to take shape. However, the core values and themes of the two series ought not to have changed dramatically.

What are those core themes?

In my estimation they can distilled down to:

A preference for nonviolence that is strongly opposed to militarism but stops short of pacifism. Star Trek generally seems to put forward the idea that violence should be a last resort but some things are worth fighting for and not all fights can be avoided.

A belief that most individuals are rational actors and reason prevails when a shared interest in an outcome (usually the prevention of war or mitigation of harm) can be focused on.

Anti-Colonialism/Anti-Imperialism. More powerful civilizations do not necessarily have the wisdom to intervene responsibly in the affairs of less powerful civilizations. i.e. the Prime Directive.

Meaningful, lasting, and positive social change is unlikely to be imposed from outside a society. (Prime Directive again)

The avoidance of apocalyptic conflict may require finding a way to co-exist alongside mutually antagonistic cultures and political structures. Some degree of cultural relativism may be necessary to avoid catastrophe.

If apocalyptic conflict can be averted long enough, peace may be maintained less through threat of mutual annihilation and more from a recognition of shared vital interests and the maintenance of a habit of peace.

It might get worse before it gets better. Gene was no accelerationist, but he did seem a bit of a pessimist in believing that a united and peaceful Earth depicted in Star Trek would only come about after a series of ruinous conflicts.

Anti-Techno-Utopianism. The idea that technology rather than social progress will “solve all our problems” is often erroneously read into Star Trek as a core theme. Star Trek more often than not features stories about having to master the ethical considerations around advanced technology rather than advanced technology being a singular good with no downsides.

Opposition to transhumanism. Gene seemed to believe that the creation of human beings with “superior strength and superior intellect” would breed “superior ambition” and contempt for lesser humans. Socialist and Anarchist thinkers might be inclined to see this as a metaphor for concentrated wealth and power.

Anti-materialism. I hesitate to call Roddenberry anti-capitalist for a couple of reasons. I find label wars to be tedious and more likely than not to reflect the desire of the labeler to claim the individual to be labeled as a fellow traveler so as to assimilate their social cred or the labeler wants to put the labeled into the “bad people” box and in doing so, condemn all people who express sympathy for the labeled or are intrigued by their work. Still, most protagonists view using abundance as a way to measure status as silly and the Ferengi are an undeniable caricature of the evils of greed.

Sex positivity. Captain Kirk gets mocked a lot for his libido and there are a lot of great deconstructions of why Captain Kirk, the oversexed pop culture icon, doesn’t actually line up well with the way the character was actually depicted. However, there’s also just not a lot of stigma attached to having a rich sex life.

An optimistic tone. Good usually wins, bad usually loses. People generally don’t act “gloomy.” Characters are in control of their behavior and rarely act impulsively or erratically without undue influence.

I could go on, but I think these are probably the most crucial for analyzing Star Trek Picard and its adherence to “Gene’s vision.” This should be sufficient as a roadmap for how I am processing my rewatch of Star Trek Picard and also how I'm thinking about season three as it unfolds.

#star trek picard #star trek ethics #gene roddenberry #what is star trek #star trek #death of the author

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maximuswolf · 12 days ago

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Dear fellow gamers I hereby wold like to ask for your MMORPG recommendations.

Dear fellow gamers, I hereby wold like to ask for your MMORPG recommendations. Hello everybody, I find myself in quite an unfortunate situation. For the past 6 years, I've been playing this small Korean RPG called Soulworker. Due to many problems that I will not discuss here because it would only turn this post into an essay worth several pages, the game ended up falling off and the developers went bankrupt.The game was development off to Valfoe who does not have the best track record with quality game development. So after a quarter of a year of simply observing the game, I think it's time to leave. There is no future for this game and, as painful as it is for me, it's time to move on. However, that brings up a new problem and that is what to play now?And so that's why I'm here. I would like to ask you people out there if you could recommend me an RPG that could fill this gap in my library. Now I know it's hard to give recommendations out of the blue so don't worry, I have a list of few basic things I'm looking for:A good and engaging combat. Unfortunately due to playing too much Ultrakill, I got used too much to the high-speed combat of games, which resulted in games like WoW being too slow and boring for me. I just don't find a combat like that engaging. You just press a button, wait for your character to cast the spell and no further input is required, the game does all this for you. I'm looking for a combat similar to Soulworker, where you actually had to give additional input to properly execute the skill like holding down the skill button to charge up the skill, giving additional mouse inputs in order to continue casting the skill, etc.A proper endgame content that has at least hard farmable bosses that you can fight against in a group with other playersNo extreme Gacha or Pay To Win mechanics. It's fine to have these mechanics within reason but having stuff like the endgame armor requiring a special material for upgrading, that can only be bought for real cash, is over the line for me. I understand if there is like a pay-to-skip-the-grind, I have no problem with that but having a paywall, or even worse an RNG-based paywall is a definitive noLastly, it would be great if it was actually a game that has somewhat of a player base and is not under the constant threat of being shut down at the end of each month.I know I'm asking for a LOT, especially in the realm of MMOs and RPGs but I would really appreciate any recommendations you'd be willing to give me.Thanks in advance

#reddit

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kafkaoftherubble · 7 months ago

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这个星期真的有点他妈的忙，操

Despite the latest chapter proving some hypotheses right, I don't even dare write any essay for To Your Eternity. Some of the reasons? Because my work project just got restarted. And also, the zine stuff.

And someone deadass suggested I read Land of the Lustrous because "it's got themes with Buddhism! It's like it's written for you!" NO BRUH THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT I FEAR!

I am afraid of what I love!!!

Do you know I also have Legends of the Galactic Heroes coming soon in my fiction list this year?! I can already foresee us writing essays for that shit! Even if it's niche as fuck and ain't no one is even gonna read it!

And the essay I plan to contribute to the zine, too. And the essays I want to publish here. The essay on hypotheses... And the cost of writing essays looming over me—

My brain is not good at multitasking and handling many things all at once, and it's showing!

And now the awareness of this inability is morphing into something far more... annoying. "Are you even sure you can write anything of worth at all? Like reaaaaaaally ask yourself. Come on, don't be afraid of the truth..."

ROUND 2 OF MIGRAINE CAT!

I started the day thinking I should reblog the Hypotheses Galore ramble with my "I cooked." image because the chapter makes it seem like I don't have to post Kei's "I'm the biggest idiot of all" dumbfuck admission. Especially the part where Doro copied her brainwaves into the Doll's AI system.

By this point in the day, though? I feel embarrassed just being reminded of this self-celebratory thought, ahaha. Like brutha, you ain't special—tons of people came up with similar ideas like yours independently, so what was up with you patting yourself on the back? We've always just been good at mix-matching everyone else's ideas! You ain't got nothing if it weren't for other people.

Besides, it's not like my accepted hypotheses made me better equipped to form speculations for the next few chapters. These two are independent events; rolling a 6 in the previous event doesn't increase nor decrease the odds of you rolling a 6 in the next. Yea, one can argue if writing an essay of hypotheses count as an exercise of luck (such as gambling on numbers) or skill (such as playing poker). But man. Hard to equate this dumbfuck over here as "actually competent at figuring things out."

So what's there to flaunt? Or should I start ordering a shiny large plaque that writes "World's Greatest Superforecaster 🤡" to headline my garden 😂?!

I'm just glad Previous Me didn't clown too hard when writing that essay!

#a piece to the rubble

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lakesbian · 1 year ago

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okay i blinked and accidentally wrote 1.2k more words to correct/elaborate on a point in here. continued content warning for extended discussion of CSA and rape. trigger warning alecs childhood.

edit: changed some phrasing and added more detail. no idea how long this thang is now

i largely still stand by everything in the first essay but i do actually want to make one edit re "cape groupies, my dad's girls, people i used my powers on, towards the end." i think the "towards the end" implies that this is specifically in chronological order as he recalls it, and what he's referring to for each is:

cape groupies: as stated above, not actually cape groupies! there is no such thing as Normal Regular Cape Groupies for children living in an infamous and widely reviled cult. but rather than being pedophiles specifically drawn to alec's power (like i initially theorized), this actually most likely refers to alec being prostituted by heartbreaker prior to obtaining his power and reframing it through phrasing which implies he had some form of autonomy in the situation--he makes it sound like he was voluntarily choosing to sleep with (or maybe even coercing!) people who were fans of him specifically for being in a cape group, when the actual reality was prolonged CSA.

when taylor reacts with disgust to him saying that he "used to have someone in his bed every night," he says that "it was normal to him." i think prolonged CSA even prior to triggering/being given access to his father's adult victims was the reason why it was normal to him, and i think he's reframing it so heavily because 1. he can't currently psychologically handle acknowledging the extent to which he was violated and so instead he chooses to discuss it thru a lens that downplays his loss of autonomy and 2. it was effectively the only attention or physical contact he received that wasn't done with explicit intent to punish/hurt him for a perceived slight, so he recalls the sexual abuse as some of the better moments in his childhood.

additional context from ward details that one of alec's younger sisters--candy--triggered from fear of a man her father had sent her to spend the day with. beyond this confirming that heartbreaker prostituted his children, it confirms that the people he sold them to were allowed to take the children away from the cult location and spend time w/ them wherever they wanted. so add "the only time alec was allowed/able to leave the cult house was while being sexually abused" to the list of reasons why his recollections reframe it as a highlight of his childhood.

his dad's girls: alec details in 7.1 that heartbreaker's adult victims either ignored the children or actively disliked the children, and it's very safe to assume that heartbreaker wouldn't have allowed any of his children to rape one of his abducted women without his explicit permission, which he wouldn't give without strong reason. (it can also be safely assumed that, without his power, known runt-of-the-litter alec wouldn't have been able to overpower an adult woman anyway.) all of this is to say that alec would not have had sexual access to the women in the household under normal circumstances, so i think it's most likely that, after alec triggered or did something sufficiently cycle-of-violency to gain heartbreaker's "approval," heartbreaker emotionally tweaked women to ensure that alec would have sexual access to them--a "prize" for alec that he (desperate for care and physical affection) would immediately latch onto, thus further grooming him into enacting abuse towards others. it's especially worth remembering that when alec is talking about this in 14.1, the language he uses is all along the lines of "cuddled up beside me," "body contact," etc--nothing very sexual, a lot of focus on literally just having and enjoying physical affection. you would quite possibly not expect alec "irony poisoning & emotional repression" vasil to cop to liking cuddles, but he sure does cop to liking cuddles. it's extremely unambiguous that he was sexually assaulting the women, and also extremely unambiguously tragic that his memories of it clearly evoke the image of a 10-11yo being taught to only have his basic needs for physical contact satisfied in the context of being groomed to abuse others.

people he used his power on towards the end: i think this is the only one that's more in line w/ what most people are actually imagining when they think about sexual violence during alec's childhood (i.e. stereotypically callous sexual assault with alec unambiguously in the position of abuser vs one of the abused.) at this point in his life, he's been forced to do an uncountable amount of atrocious, soul-crushing things. he's thoroughly used to having to regard the autonomy of others & his own as meaningless to survive, and he's thoroughly used to hypersexual behavior (& drug usage) being effectively the only things in life that console him thru horrendous daily abuse. he has no reason to see sexual violence as particularly bad or unique in the grand scheme of the abuse regularly visited upon everyone victimized by the cult--he was groomed for years to see sexual abuse happening to himself & others as just something that happens. because someone has power over someone else and wants to hurt them, or because someone is having a bad day and wants to feel better, or just because, with no mental map of a life without sexual violence. it's not even possible for him to fully recognize the atrocity of sexual violence without fully recognizing the emotional damage of how heavily he's been (& is still being) abused and then crumbling. so at this point, numbed to human suffering in all its forms and desperate for any fragment of positive psychological stimulation or comfort, alec starts raping the people he's already being told to use his power on.

this is the part cherish mentions where he was throwing orgies for himself. it's what his power represents coming to a head: his desire to step out of being alec and playact at being someone else for a bit, because being alec is miserable. his desire to get the fuck out of his own body, the body that he's been violated and hurt in over and over and over again. his desire for contact, to be as close to someone else as humanly possible. but no matter how many people he was hijacking at once, he was always still just--as it's phrased in his interlude--sleeping with himself. he could pretend to be someone else, and he could force people to touch him, but he could never actually be anyone but alec, and he could never actually force anyone to care about him. in fact, he could always feel how much they resented him the entire time.

it's noteworthy to recall that during the fugly bob's convo in arc 4 he outright says that he "doesn't see the difference" between what sophia did to taylor (the locker) and hypothetical sexually violent revenge (leaving sophia naked on the side of the highway w/o regard for if she gets raped). this is the textual indicator we have that, at the point where he was raping people he used his power on, sexual violence was so ubiquitous in his life that he literally had no ability to read it as markedly different or worse than nonsexual/generic physical violence. because to reiterate, not seeing it as different or worse is a good step no. 1 for repressing any devastatingly negative emotions one might have about being sexually assaulted for their entire childhood--being out of the cult for just two years doesn't mean that he's ready or able to start unpacking the experience.

he was a late 12yo/a 13yo during this final point, because he specifies that it was towards the end of his time in the cult. (he ran away when he was 13, and joined the undersiders when he was 13 1/2.) i can't imagine blaming alec as a person for any of it as opposed to wanting to strangle out his father, particularly given that:

1. he was 13 at the oldest. do you know how small 13yos are. theyre pretty small. there is certainly a transitional period within a heartbroken's shift from "abused child in cult" to "someone perpetuating abuse onto other children within that cult" where how much culpability they have is brought into question, but 13yos are still pretty fucking small.

2. we see a variety of implications that it was in part his moral discomfort that led him to running away from the cult, meaning that he did literally decide "not doing this shit anymore" more or less the second he reached the age where many people stop being fully comfortable in recusing groomed children as "not knowing better" when they perpetuate what they've been taught onto others.

I left my father because he was trying to control me and force me to be someone and something I wasn’t. It wasn’t even remotely interesting or fun any more.

read: he left his father because didn't want to be the abusive person his father was turning him into. the drugs and hypersexual behavior he had been introduced to as a very young tween initially felt like an interesting/mature/enjoyable distraction from the abuse he was facing, but they lost all of that appeal as he realized that hurting others was 1. doing nothing to fill the gigantic void inside him and 2. actually only making it bigger.

i think we see the first Reaaaally Bad Incident he has moral culpability for onscreen in his interlude. that one is something he needs to interrogate himself over to avoid backsliding every time he's upset, but everything prior to leaving the cult was, while obviously disturbing and not something he was literally being held at gunpoint for every step of the way, the result of intense coercion of a severely abused child in an actively traumatizing environment. thus concludes "here's what actually happened in alec's shit childhood and why you should be nice to him about it" part two

so i blinked & accidentally wrote 2.4k words of alec analysis, content warning for extended discussion of child sexual abuse

Keep reading

#alec essays #worm spoilers #scarf don't look #rest in peace unsweet prince. because god knows he needs some peace #im not waiting until later to proofread this so i hope it doesnt suck but its not like many people will see it so

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