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evesaintyves · 1 year ago

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for @remadoramicrofics - it outgrew microfic status, almost 2000 words, but i'm submitting it anyway. combining October prompt guts and October 14th challenge triptych.

three acts of bravery, maybe. read it below or on AO3 🎖

Packing up sets the world back in order. He learned to do it before he learned to tie his own shoes. With his mother clucking get your things, Remus—hurry now and his father directing the flight of reference-books into a box, wand swaying, face of stone, it was clear that sentimentality was only a weight to be dragged. He learned very quickly to snip any string that might tug at him—he is nothing if not a quick learner—and, eventually, to evade those ties altogether: to harbor no love for the peaked attic bedroom with the view of the river, the back garden overrun with primrose and gnomes. Nor the blue-eyed neighbor girl who peeked through the fence-slats.

It is a kind of art, to keep a life small enough to fit inside one suitcase, and it has saved him from more tight corners than any countercurse he might throw in a duel.

When Tonks put her hands to her belly, eyes all sparkling with some unrecognisable joy, and said now, don't freak out, I have to tell you something: it was a strangling feeling, like a dog snapping at the end of its lead. There had always been a way, until now, to walk off and start again. This miscalculation would be the end of that. Now he was chained to his regret, she was chained to him, and the thing inside her was chained to its brutal future.

He didn't freak out. He watched her lips move, her hands grab at him, and calmly, silently, he made the only conscionable decision.

Tonks made a mess of the house before she left; even the velveteen hippogriff she bought for the baby is lying on the floor, eyeless, disemboweled and spilling its batting-scrap guts. She screamed at him, she called him a bastard. And a liar. It doesn't matter, he's been called worse. He's been worse. It was satisfying, in the end, to see her finally understand: she took her hands off him like she'd touched something disgusting, her mouth quivered, she backed away as if in terror: how can you just stand there, she breathed, raspy from all her carrying-on, and look at me like a fucking stranger?

Easy, he might have said. I am a fucking stranger.

But he didn't say anything because he didn't have to. She was crying so hard when she apparated off to her mother's that he thought she might splinch herself—and a week ago, or maybe even this morning, that might have curdled his insides with terror and dread.

But he has unhooked himself from his insides. That's an art, too, and he's well-practiced: it can be every bit as natural, he finds, to feel nothing as it is to feel something. Easier, even, once you've mastered it.

He clicks shut the suitcase, knots the length of twine.

James, he says to himself, I'll find him. I'll give everything I have.

It isn't much. He's got hands that know how to kill and the will to do it. He's got a ruined body, still absurdly walking the earth while so many more deserving have returned to it. He's got the shame of all his generation's failures, the cans they've kicked down the road to their children. And he's got a monster inside: lusting, ravenous, insane, goading him to go after her, bury his face in her powder scent and beg, to confess that I want you, I want to live, I want to have what I want—

What higher calling, for someone like him, than to put all that between Harry and a curse?

Shh-shh-shh, Tonks whispers. She presses a kiss to the warm dry scalp, with its menthol smell of ointment, its tickling hairs. We're going to Nan's house.

Teddy, on a brief intermission from wailing, roots his red little nose and mouth against her shirt. He's always hungry, he's been on her sore tits all day—he was latched when the call came from Kingsley. It is never enough.

She can't just wait. She's not a keeper-of-the-home-fires. She's springloaded, a coil of taut potential straining for release—trained to fight three-on-one, to throw jets of wandless fire from her open hands, to keep her pulse rate seventy-steady all the while. They need her, they can't spare her, what is she doing here?

Waiting for death to come and find her, that's bloody what. They'll step over Remus's body ( he's a good fighter, not the best —these awful thoughts won't stop— he's distracted, scared, has too much to lose. His clicky old knees could betray him. He'll think of the baby, lose his focus, miss by a centimetre and that's the end. It could have already happened ), they'll swarm the castle like driver ants, and then they'll come for Teddy. She'll be in pieces before she lets them get to him, but once she's gone he'll be so helpless, swaddled in his bassinet. She won't have it. She won't sit and let it happen.

She stands there for a moment, in the dark house, with Teddy bundled to her chest. He's winding himself up for another cry, back spasming, a bubble of snot in his nose. It'd all be easier if she could just get him to sleep, but she's not good at that—it's hard not to let it feel like a failure. He's cried so much in this house she can hear it even when he's quiet, the sound has soaked into the walls. This, here, is the life these three have only just begun to make: the kitchen table permanently sticky with jam, the tousled bed: biscuit crumbs on her side, a stack of books on his. The baby's things everywhere, socks and sleepsuits, corduroy dragon, the cot overturned in her rush to get going. Blankets gushing out over the rug.

That's what she's got to go and fight for. This is only the start! They've got years, so many years, so much happiness and lost time to make up! So many knuckle-kisses, murmured sweetnesses under the duvet, Remus jiggling the baby through colic all night, giving her his worn-out smile from the doorway—God, fuck, she's never even told him about the time her dad took her to the zoo and she morphed herself a crest like the iguanas! The Obliviators had to come and zap everyone, Dad turned the colour of beetroot trying not to smile! He'll laugh himself sick!

She's got to go, so she can tell him. That and so many other things. He keeps appearing in her mind: sprawled across flagstone, hole burnt in his robes, face up and staring at the Great Hall's fake sky. Do you know what's up there, behind all the magic? he asked her once, years ago on a mission together, sitting hidden in the boughs of a tree. When she shook her head no, he said, Spiders. It's infested completely, there are a million. And cobwebs thick enough to swing on—don't ask me how I know. He waggled his eyebrows, charming in a way that was unlike him and perfectly fitting all the same. She was so taken by the thought of eight million eyes watching her little self perch on the stool at her sorting that she just grinned at him, gormless. He looked at her face like he was deciphering runes. And it's clear, now, that he was hers at that moment. Since that moment, he has been hers.

She won't let them have him. They've taken too much already: Dad, Mad-Eye, Sirius. The hope of every muggleborn kid who should have, this year, looked for the first time up into that indoor sky and felt the touch of wonder. She can't get it back, but she can make them pay for it. She's got enough revenge boiling down in her gut, it could power a thousand killing curses—she could explode with it, it could set her on fire—

C'mon, baby, she says. Teddy's shivering breath is so warm, so soft, on her chest. We've got to go.

When Nymphadora was a little girl, long before she got her wand, she used to break a stick off the sycamore tree and run about brandishing it, casting made-up hexes, making explosive sounds with her mouth. Halt! she'd shout at the imaginary enemy. Andromeda never knew where she'd gotten that. Ted's little black-and-white telly in his office, maybe. She'd jump off the garden wall, land on her face, pick herself up and announce, I'm okay! Even when she scraped up her elbows, even when she knocked out a tooth. She was always okay.

Andromeda has never asked—and who? Who would even tell her?—but she thinks that must have been how they found her. Faceplanted in the mud, wand out in front of her. Little warrior. When she handed the baby off that night she had that same look on her face: I'm okay, said through a mouth of blood.

Teddy is more of a dirt-digger, beetle-watcher, masher of rose hips into pretend potions. She has to stop him at the door and check his pockets lest he bring home a toad, a wriggling handful of earthworms. That's a bit of Ted coming through, she's pretty sure. This afternoon, she watched Teddy stop his potion-mashing, squint into the mess, and fish out a pill bug with his chubby little fingers. He held it up to show her: roly-poly, he said proudly. He's only just started pronouncing his Ls. He set the bug aside on the grass and recommenced his mashing.

Teddy's a lover, he doesn't like to kill things. That's the privilege of a peacetime child. For lunch he gets spaghetti hoops on toast, his grandfather's guilty favourite, and then a little kip upstairs. Andromeda cleans the mud off his dungarees, and off the carpet where he's tracked it in, and off the doorknob and the bathroom sink and his booster chair.

Nymphadora and Ted used to chuckle to each other at her arsenal of scrubbing charms, the shirts folded in squares. Like that sort of thing was her idea of fun. No. That was the daily fight against entropy. Her daughter, born under the standard of this potted aspidistra, raised in this tidy defiance of the mess outside, never understood. She went charging off with her wand out and left Andromeda to walk the floor all night for months with this little war on her shoulder, the baby that wouldn't stop screaming—and who could blame him? Andromeda understands that desperation, that longing for something impossible. The night they buried his parents, Teddy cried like he was begging God.

Andromeda didn't. She doesn't beg.

I know what you think you're doing, Narcissa told her once, a week before she left with Ted forever. She'd cornered Andromeda in the upstairs hall, gripping her wrist and hissing so that Father in his study wouldn't hear. You think you're doing something brave. You're not, you're just running. Anyone can run.

Andromeda would never concede that she was right. She wasn't—not about Ted, not about leaving home. But still she thinks about it. There's an Order of Merlin upstairs, in the locked room that was Nymphadora's, gleaming in its velvet case. For her courage. Her sacrifice. There's no denying that she earned it. But days like this—when the house is silent and Andromeda is folding dungarees, rinsing tins of spaghetti hoops—she wants to take her long-gone daughter by the shoulders and say: my darling, you have no idea.

images by edward hopper: a room in brooklyn, sun in an empty room (detail), rooms by the sea (detail)

#remadora #remus lupin #tonks #andromeda tonks #teddy lupin #remadora microfics

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fromtheseventhhell · 1 year ago

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I don't want to imply only Arya antis think she'll go to the Riverlands first lol I'm pretty sure us Arya stans came up with the theory she'll reunite with Lady Stoneheart and give her the gift of mercy in the first place. Unfortunately though there are a lot of people whose speculation for Arya starts and ends at her killing people and disappearing off the face of the earth or realizing "revenge is bad" and then doing absolutely nothing afterwards. Though one thing I've seen very common with Arya antis is the idea that she'll effectually never reunite with any of her family members or identify as Arya going forward, either staying in the shadows or dying nameless or faceless without anyone recognizing her. That's a bit that worries me somewhat with her returning to the Riverlands first thing. Most Arya fans do expect her to be crowned by Lady Stoneheart and lead the BWB and Nymeria's pack up north but a lot of speculation from non-Arya fans ends up similar to Arya's reunion with Sansa and Bran in season 7; out of the loop, out of place, her journey treated as boring compared to the others, underwhelming reunions, conveniently out of the picture long enough so she can't ruin relationships that otherwise wouldn't happen with her present, secondary to Sansa.

One thing I think gets overlooked is how close Braavos is to Westeros. I've seen a lot of people act like Sansa in the Vale is a hop, skip, and a jump away from the Wall while treating Braavos like it's as far away as Meereen but they're actually about the same distance away. Braavos does appear to be perfectly placed if his original intent was for Arya to end up somewhere in the North, whether at the Wall, White Harbor, or even Hardhome.

But mostly I reject the idea that Arya will end up secondary to her brothers if she goes North. I have faith in GRRM loving Arya too much to ever treat her the way the show did in seasons 7 and 8. I think she has a role to play in the North considering how much of the Northern plots in ADWD are tied together with the "Arya"-Ramsay marriage and Jeyne. Stansas ASOIAF fans really believe that Jeyne will have absolutely no intersection with the person she's impersonating despite GRRM spelling it out that she's almost guaranteed to sail to Braavos for safety. It makes absolutely no sense to believe Jeyne would go to Braavos and never even encounter Arya. We also know GRRM intended for the Stark direwolves to go against Ramsay's hounds at some point in the future of which there's about nine named ones so far. Sounds like Ramsay will find out what wolves to do dogs ;) That may be enough to overwhelm Ghost or Shaggydog even if together but even a fraction of Nymeria's pack going north with her could handle them. I also refuse to believe Lady Stoneheart will die again before encountering a resurrected Jon. There's been rumors she and her men have been seen disappearing into the Neck which did lead to in book speculation the BWB has some contact with the Crannogmen. Arya can also be a bridge between Bran and Jon if GRRM keeps the estrangement between them.

And I really want Roose to find out he was in fact careless with a prize of great worth by not realizing he had the real Arya Stark under his nose in Harrenhal as his cupbearer lol. It'd be a shame if he died before finding out. But I do agree that she could go to either location and GRRM could make it work. I seem to remember jokes about GRRM being stuck because there are too many locations he wants her to be in lol.

I didn't think you were implying that, I just wanted to clarify that there were valid reasons for her heading to the riverlands and that I agree that some people only theorize that because they view the North as the most important location so they ignore her connections to it. I agree with a lot of your points and it's very frustrating that Arya's arc gets reduced so much because people refuse to see her as an important character. A majority of the theories surrounding her are the barest bones and people only expect her to leave the faceless men, kill [x] character, and then fuck off in a boat while her siblings (i.e. Sansa) carry the bulk of the Northern plot. The reality is that Arya's arc is difficult to predict because she has so many plot setups. There is an entire arc in Braavos waiting to play out, she has connections to the Northern plot, and she has plenty to do in the Riverlands. Arya is one of George's favorite characters and he's spent a lot of time developing her for a reason, so safe to say that whatever route he ends up taking it's going to be well-written and respectful to her character.

#ask #anon #arya stark #asoiaf #now me personally I do think there's a decent chance she goes North especially if she ends up meeting Jeyne in Braavos #she's going to be discovering that her identity was used to hold the North and of Jon's death which will most likely be her main motivation #for leaving Braavos which logically means she'll be trying to make it back North to Winterfell/the Wall #she could get knocked off course and that could lead her to go to the Riverlands that way #but either way she has plot connections to the North of her own and she would've have to take a backseat to her brothers #especially considering they're both currently dealing with their own arcs (well....Bran is anyways lol)#Rickon isn't a POV character so while I do think he's going to be important I don't see him as an obstacle to Arya being there #the beauty of George's writing is that characters aren't pushed to the side to make plots work the story plays out as it's intended to #so if George intends Arya to go North it's because there's room for her and she has her own role to play there #As always I think it's more likely she goes to the riverlands assuming we only have 2 books left because I believe the Long Night will #filter from the North to the South and the bulk of the battle is going to talk place there #and we don't really have time for Arya to got North -> South -> North but I'm always going to highlight her connections to the Northern plo

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kerorowhump · 1 year ago

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I don't know how off the deep end this thought is but I like to think of keroro as like... a ticking time bomb. not on purpose, but for the keron star... there are so many possible side effects or reactions of it that we don't know and just haven't seen yet, but what we have seen is that it can completely take hold of him to the point he doesn't remember what happened (so he wasn't in control), it can cause harm, it's DANGEROUS... can emotionally taxing situations cause it to activate? I think possibly... like, there is something I find very fascinating in the fact all the people around him are acting so casual with him while he's harboring something so unstable that honestly just keeps getting worse. the thing is that keroro is the type of character to never take things head on. he is content in his avoidance and willing to let it get critical. if anything if things get worse he doubles down... aaa... is nobody gonna mention how scary the fact that at any moment keroro can become nothing more than a vessel for the whims of this gold star is? and the reason he keeps wearing it despite this, to me... that is the unobjectionable proof of his past successes, no matter how low things get, he got the star! he's good! no matter how much he should suffer for it. everything is normal for now, peace and love on planet earth, but I don't think keroro is normal, even if he wants the normal life. as in, he's special in some way... probably his genetics, the reason why they keep cloning *him* specifically and made him leader. Leaders have more responsibilities sure, but it's not being a leader that gets you on the cloning list necessarily... they use that to be able to substitute you. Oh and don't get me started on the intrinsic fucked up-ness of keroro eventually finding out that he wasn't even picked out of some talent or ability he's struggling oh so hard to find again now, and needs to believe is real and clings onto for dear life at every new failure of his plans, but it was just something out of his control the whole time, like genetics. and that maybe the thing that he based his whole identity on, being picked to carry the star and be leader, was just never a good thing, it didn't mean anything positive about him. so it was all for nothing.

a fraud. so with how much shame he has already, he just would never admit it was a mistake and he got scammed. how embarrassing would that be... I think he would think it's best to just take the pain that serves him as punishment anyway.

vol 21 really stuck with me because... the star really could activate at any moment and cause severe distress. and even though he's not in control, it still reflects his feelings (so he saved fuyuki), so... well, but his feelings are the most fragile thing in the universe. that's why he's like a ticking time bomb to me.

#musing #of the very incoherent variety!!!! beware #keroro #headcanon #i love thinking about the keron star it gives me purpose it gets the juice in my brain flowing

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dearestones · 2 years ago

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You Have a Crush on Me? (Austria x Reader Headcanons)

Warnings: Fluff.

Anonymous Request: How would Austria react to his crush, that he hasn't seen since he was the Austrian Empire, seeing him and telling him that they always loved him, but were too intimidated to ask out. I know this is complicated, so you don't have to do it.

You have a crush on him? Well, to be honest, why wouldn’t you? Austria doesn’t have much to offer anymore, but back in the day, he was quite the catch! There was a reason why he sought out alliances through marriage, but it is a shame that you didn’t tell him anything sooner.

(Although Austria might act haughty at times when you first confess, he might harbor some doubts about the legitimacy of your claims. Once you reveal that you have not shared any falsehoods, you’ll find that he looks rather adorable with his face turning a soft shade of pink at your words. Don’t say anything about his face; he might just take it upon himself to dust off his old military training and smack you for your impertinence).

It’s more than likely Austria will take some time to mull over your feelings, but once he deduces that you still have feelings for him, he’ll be inclined to do something about it. In the event that he does not have his sights set on someone, he’ll look into the possibility of entering relations with you. At first, it won’t be one of romance, but he is willing to entertain the notion of being friends.

(Relax, the time of empires is long over! Come on over for some tea, why don’t you? And if you’re feeling too uncomfortable to spend time at his house, would you like to visit a high end restaurant instead? … You’ll have to pay, but it’s a sacrifice you should be willing to make considering that he’s entertaining your idea of love for you).

Austria is a secret romantic and he has fantasized of a whirlwind romance. Honestly, the pacing of the relationship is up to you. If you want to take things slow, Austria will become the world’s most perfect gentleman. He’ll always strike up conversation to relax you, to challenge you in your thinking, or to make you laugh when you need it most. However, if you’re the sort of person who wants to romance him in the quickest way possible, he’ll be glad to take whatever you’re serving. (Just be sure not to go too fast! He’s fine with romance that is quick and passionate, but take it too far and you’ll leave him a flustered mess).

However, if you don’t take initiative in wanting to pursue a relationship and you just told him because a part of you wants nothing to change in your current relationship status, Austria is, again, more than willing to oblige. He’ll be good friends with you and when the both of you are dining or simply sitting together with your own respective hobbies to entertain you, a part of him likes to think of the romance that could have been.

If you want to donate a Ko-Fi, feel free https://ko-fi.com/devintrinidad.

HETALIA AXIS POWERS/WORLD SERIES MASTERLIST

#hetalia #hetalia axis powers #hetalia world series #aph #hws #aph austria #hws austria #hetalia austria #hetalia austria x reader #aph austria x reader #hws austria x reader #gender neutral reader #headcanons #dearestones #devintrinidad

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fresiants · 2 years ago

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The Lestrange couple is actually interesting.

Bellatrix does come from an extremely messed up family. Not only do they behead their slaves after they become too old to carry tea and stuff their heads and hang them on the wall, you know, normal stuff. Then, according to the Black family tree, her father was only 13 when she was born. So you know, clearly healthy stuff. Also, if Filch is to be believed, hanging students days on end by the thumbs was common practice not too long ago from the 90s, and torture instruments are manufactured with enough regularity (I don't believe those things would have survived Fred and George, nor the Marauders).

In his forth year, Arthur was punished badly enough so that he has scars he keeps well into adulthood despite the wonders of magical medicine. (Most scars do fade away after a decade or so, which makes me think the whipping was either extreme or their was some Black Magic involved) for being out of his dorm.

We don't know much about Rodolphus, but his father or uncle was one of the first associates of Tom Riddle, and he would also in all likely hood attended school to taste this kind of extreme discipline that left Arthur scared for life. Also, according to Sirius they were part of a gang of bullies.

So is it any surprise that Voldemort was able to recruit followers who if not violent themselves, where quite desensitized to violence. So, even if Voldemort is extremely sadistic and does not treat his followers well to put it mildly, to people like Bellatrix, it must have seemed not that bad and normal. Also, their hatred for Muggleborn might have also mixed with envy. During the second half of the XXth century, corporal punishment was on the decline, and frankly, six of the best cannot in honesty be compared to the strappado. I would imagine members of these pureblood Slytherin gang of bullies viciously mocking muggleborn students and their inability to keep up with what they would perceive as normal things. It would probably like humiliation through babying, escorting them to "safety" while constantly mocking them:

"Twenty and already dizzy ? How adorable ! Let me take pictures of you. See, we don't hate muggles, we find them so wee!" (proceed to wrap them in frilly stuff before taking pictures).

Is this a response to my post about Severus and Lily? If it isn't, please ignore this whole post lol.

I agree that in the wizarding world, these acts were perceived as normal, as evidenced by the prevalence of bullying and violence that went unpunished and ignored everyone, even by the teachers who were responsible for safeguarding them. Regardless of the gravity of the situation, students were only ever subjected to detention as a form of discipline.

But we must consider that Severus hated the Marauders for bullying him and always tried to persuade Lily to stay away from them for this specific reason. It's understandable that, given his character, he might find it difficult to empathize with others. However, it's still a shame that he couldn't see the similarity between the Marauders and Mulciber's group. If you see your housemate bullying other kids, shouldn't it remind you of your own bullies? I think this situation was also heavily influenced by the house rivalries at Hogwarts.

Severus probably harbored a "serve them right" attitude when Mulciber bullied Mary McDonald, as if attacking a Gryffindor student was a form of avenging his own bullying. This is a childish mindset that many victims adopt, seeking to hurt their bullies by wishing harm on those around them. You may have heard people say things like "I hope your child experiences bullying in the future, then you'll know how it feels" or "I hope your daughter gets cheated on, so you'll feel the pain you caused others." It's the same type of mindset where you can't hurt the bully, so you hope someone they care about gets hurt instead. As someone who was once a victim of bullying, i totally understand why some people might think this way, but I refuse to defend this behaviour as it is wrong in my book.

Hence, I truly believe that even if Severus hadn't called Lily 'Mudblood', their friendship wouldn't have lasted long. Severus cherished Lily because she was the first person to ever show him kindness, and he loved her deeply to the point that he thought she was the only friend he needed. He only cared about his and Lily's well-being (as an individual) He couldn't care less about other Muggle-borns and this didn't sit well with Lily.

Things were already looking bad for Severus. But here's where things got worse. Lily Evans... the only person Severus ever care about... failed to comprehend why Severus refused to let her to associate with the Marauders. In fact, she felt offended by it.

Snape’s whole face contorted and he spluttered, “Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends’ too! You’re not going to— I won’t let you— ”

“Let me? Let me?”

Lily’s bright green eyes were slits. Snape backtracked at once.

But we also shouldn't ignore the fact that Severus called everyone(muggleborns) aside from Lily 'Mudblood', which mean she had probably tolerated him a lot, hoping that he would finally get a grip and realised what he was doing was wrong.

But of course, that never happened. Doesn't really help that his only friend wasn't very understanding herself and already had feelings for James even when he was bullying Severus, which was confirmed by JK Rowling herself in an interview. (I mean... why would Severus feel the need to remind Lily that James wasn't a good lad if she wasn't interested in him?)

Interviewer: How did they get together? She hated James, from what we’ve seen.

JKR: Did she really? You’re a woman, you know what I’m saying. [Laughter.]

She was referring to the stereotype that women are attracted to 'bad boys' *puke*

#what was i talking about?#i wrote so much i got confused halfway through #but yeah i do understand why some things are seen as normal #but i'm not defending them #he had a lot of opportunities to learn his mistakes #and she had a lot of opportunities to educate him #she shouldn't have 'tolerated' him #real friends should create boundaries #Severus would be more likely to realize his mistake if Lily were to be tough on him #You're calling other people mudblood? yeah no that's not happening #but what am i saying? lily was as bad a Severus... that will never happen #like how can you fall in love with your friend's bully?#bullying is not hot #can't relate #the whole swm kinda makes sense now #lily literally ignored his whole existence and kinda flirted with James a little #lily is so tolerating but not very understanding at the same time idk how to describe this...#she tried to be understanding but she couldn't help but fell in love with the jerk that bullied his friend #there's just no way to save their friendship here #severus snape #pro snape #pro severus snape #pro severus #lily evans #pro lily evans #platonic snily is so cute but toxic

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lunarsilkscreen · 5 days ago

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Queerphobic

When somebody is attracted to you, and they have steadfast belief they should not be; they project that onto you.

Today, some dude hit on me in the most blunt fashion I've ever seen; and then... It hit me--all the times I've been in this situation before.

Today I run with an older crowd, have 808s, and have gone through the feminine puberty.

Ain't nobody got time to act like they used to, or to be as fearful of relationships or expressing feelings like they used to be.

So they're more blunt.

And I can't help but remember the nervousness *other* people had around me; Queerphobia.

We throw that word around sometimes, yet it means something very specific. Fear of Attraction to the wrong person, or fear that the *wrong person* might be attracted to us.

It's as ingrained in our culture as abstinence, thanks to Religious Fanaticism. The kind of Fanaticism that supercedes and prevents the need for faith.

Because nobody told me how others saw me, or because they assumed I knew that I was attractive to straight men... It was hard to quantify any interaction at all with certain people.

I knew I was frequently uncomfortable around certain people; I could not quantify why that was.

And the women who knew better; well; I dunno what to say about that. Except to lump them all in that same queer-phobic group.

Everybody I knew just assumed I'd figure it out myself.

I have this assumption that women typically talk to each other about the "Male gaze" upon them, and that their "The Talk" about the [Birds and Bees] contains some arbitrary hints on how the world sees women.

Then again; how would I know?

It was much easier to hide away and hermit. Because I didn't know how to operate in an environment where people could harbor hate for me *because* they were attracted to me.

This peculiar way that I appear to others. I can see it in their faces; but it's a very... Odd mass of feelings. Hate, Anger, Shame, Attraction, all rolled up into something very very scary.

To Men; and I suppose this is true for all women; They used to get upset *at me*; for relatively no reason. As if they were silently blaming me for being just so Fap-worthy.

To Women; And this is probably true for most straight women; I either look like a Dyke, or because I appear so feminine; they can assume I'm gay.

Especially when I enforce my boundaries against Randos that I just don't know.

That internalized Queerphobia. I know that people often have negative reactions around me, especially when it comes to attraction, and how do you deal with that?

That's the anxiety I used to have around relationships I think.

That feeling when enough people harbor animosity towards you for no other reason except you're *pretty*.

And, from that perspective, you can't really tell who is safe and just uncomfortable. And who isn't safe, and will take it out on you after whatever triggers them does so.

The world is definitely a safer place today I think.

Safer to express yourself at least. For now.

Today, unless I tell them, some people can't seem to figure out if I'm a woman or a trans man; and whether or not either of those bothers them.

I'm really trying hard to express these emotions, and the situations I've been in, because it's valuable information for [The Queers]--Women especially.

And for parents who can see something happening but may not know how to beat protect their children in these situations.

Even if you don't approve of the "Queer Lifestyle" Which is just a straight lifestyle with extra steps...

As a parent or a grand parent, or some guardian for some child or children; it still behooves you to have the talk with them.

If only to ensure they don't become unwitting victims to predators, or worse; Haters.

Well

I hate how my anxiety has changed; but at least it feels more inline with some tangible concept now. At least it feels more familiar to what other people have said or written about their own experiences.

And now I fully understand why Women tended to hate me for seemingly no reason. They were jealous; and that jealousy tends to be expressed as hate and accusations of things I wouldn't do.

So.. I guess that's just the "Female Experience" with extra steps.

Why does everything have to be something else with extra steps?

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raewritez · 4 years ago

Text

Airbenders

let’s all take a moment to appreciate our windy boy🙌

based on this request: Can you do Aang x airbender reader? When Aang and Katara found out that she hid from them that she could bend ? Please!

warnings: aangsty

It hurts.

Aang’s body felt like it was on fire, and he supposed it was. It seemed like electricity was still flowing through his veins, consuming him with needle points and flame. With Katara’s healing he was slowly gaining back his memory - visions of white glow, of the royal siblings, of waves, and of falling. There was something else, too, it was-

“Ow!”

Katara grimaced, removing her hands from his back. “Sorry, Aang. There’s a lot of energy built up in here.”

He winced, curling in on himself. “It’s ok.”

She stares at him worriedly, heart aching for her friend. He felt so awful, so consumed by guilt and failure, and she found herself having trouble coaxing him out of his thoughts. There was one person that could, but they were nowhere to be found. Aang noticed.

“Where’s Y/n?”

Katara breathed shakily, pulling at the edge of her tunic. “Aang…what exactly do you remember from Ba Sing Se?”

He tilted his head, furrowing his brows. "I remember Azula, and I remember I went down. You saved me."

She nodded. "Is that all?"

He leaned into the bed, running a hand through his hair (hair? how long has that been there?). "There's something else."

Katara looked nervous, as if preparing for him to do something awful. It made him confused. He searched his mind, digging through flashes of memory until he found what he was looking for. He inhaled sharply. Oh. Right.

They were outnumbered, Dai Lee agents advancing on them from all directions. Katara's water whips were no use, broken and splashed across the ground by shields of rock and crystal. Aang fought tirelessly, earth and water spinning around him in a flurry of movement. The earth benders only moved forward - creeping slowly upon the Avatar until they were thrown back by some powerful force. Wind. Aang looked down at his hands, he hadn't done that, right? The agents rose to their feet but their eyes weren't on him, rather on something that lurked behind. Turning, his gaze fell upon what had drawn their attention.

You.

Your arms were outstretched, an uncertain expression on your face. You glanced down at your palms in surprise - you certainly hadn't expected that to work so well. His mouth fell open, mind swarmed with confusion. His grey eyes widened, and your gaze met his. You couldn't tell if that look in his eyes was one of betrayal or pure shock, but you felt the guilt you'd been harboring over keeping this secret hit you full-force. Your own eyes were surprised, and they softened as they fell upon him. In them he could see the swimming emotions, and an apology. You raised your arms again.

"They're...they're an Airbender."

Katara looked at the floor, silently affirming his words. He stared at her, then he stood. His body ached and his legs wobbled, but he didn't care. He grabbed his staff, and leaning on it, began to make his way towards the door.

"Wait, Aang," Katara exclaimed, attempting to calm him. The look on his face was foreign; eyes glinting with sadness and something she couldn't quite decipher. And anger. It was a rare emotion to see displayed by the boy, but it was there now, although faint. She was nervous for you, her own anger since passed and replaced with a sort of resigned understanding. Sure, she was upset, hurt that you didn't trust her with this secret, but she guessed she understood. At least she tried to.

"Aang, your injuries are still healing. You can't-"

"I'm fine, Katara," he spoke, and she felt a chill run through her bones at the sternness. "Let me go."

He pushed past her, holding in his groans at the effort. He walked as quickly as he could down the hall, mind pulsing with adrenaline and determination. He didn't have to ask where your room was, he knew where it would be: at the end of the hall by the windows, so you could see the ocean. He limped his way down, the silk robe threatening to fall off his shoulders. In front of your door, he stopped. He breathed, and then he entered.

You were seated on your bed, staring blankly at the wall. You glanced tiredly at the intrusion, eyes widening when you saw it was him. You stood abruptly, almost tripping over yourself and if the circumstances were different he would've laughed. You missed his laugh. Instead he gazed at you, expression neutral. You felt nervous, unfamiliarly awkward under the Avatar's stare.

"Hi, Aang."

He kept his eyes trained on you, eyebrows furrowed. He was silent.

"Um...h-how are you feeling?"

"You didn't come to see me."

Your eyes widened. "W-what?"

His gaze never faltered. "You didn't come to check on me."

"Oh," You breathed, casting your eyes to the floor. "I didn't...I didn't know if you'd want me to."

He didn't speak, and you could feel him scrutinizing you. As if he didn't know what to make of you, as if he wasn't sure what to think. And in all honesty he probably didn't. You didn't know what to think of yourself, either.

"You're an Airbender." It wasn't a question, just a statement. An observation.

You breathed. "Yeah."

He stood a little taller, and you could finally make out an emotion. Anger. It wasn't ideal, but it was better than him acting as if you were Koh the freaking Face-Stealer. His voice was low. "Why didn't you tell me?"

You swallowed nervously, fingers coming to play with the fishing-line bracelet he'd made for you that rested upon your wrist. "I don't know."

He scoffed, beginning to pace around the room. Well, as well as he could considering his condition. "That's not an answer. How could you keep that from me?!" There was a desperation to his tone, and his eyes were glassy. You looked away, unable to deal with the shame.

"Aang, please, I-" You didn't know what to say. You truly didn't quite understand why you'd hidden it, the secrecy just fading into habit. "I was...I was scared. I didn't know what to say or- I'd never told anyone before! And then you came and I..."

"And you didn't tell me."

His face was darkened, so different from that sunshiney demeanor that you'd grown so goddam fond of. But behind his anger was a certain brokenness - a disbelief. And that hurt more than the rage.

He didn't give you time for an explanation, and you weren't sure you had one to offer anyway. He simply walked away, sparing you one more hurtful glance. Then, he left, taking the light and hope with him. You felt tears sting your eyes, but you forced them away. You didn't deserve to cry. You were the one who'd hurt him, who'd betrayed his trust. And now you weren't sure if your best friend would ever trust you again, ever allow you a second chance. So, instead of crying, you simply laid in the dark warmness of your bed, rocked to sleep by the swaying of the ocean with an ache in your chest.

///

A week.

That's how long it'd been since the two of you talked, since Aang had so much as glanced in the direction of his best friend. You were in the Firenation now, having assumed the role of undercover criminals. It was kind of exhilarating, and you knew you and Aang would be milking the drama of it for all its worth. But instead you sat alone, sidled in the corner of the cave as your friends danced.

Aang had somehow managed to enroll himself in a Fire Nation school, and had invited his classmates to your hideout for a dance party. You wished you had enough energy to participate - to twirl around with Katara or do the limbo with Sokka, but you were drained. Just like you'd been for days. Your hope was waning; you were becoming less and less sure that Aang would find a way to forgive you - that he would return to his best friend with that lopsided smile and endless generosity, the way he came to you all those times before. Now, he was dancing, shoulders brushing against that Fire Nation girl's - On ji? Something like that - while the rest of the kids laughed and cheered. It send an ache to your heart. He seemed happy with her - happier than he's been with you. He was sporting that contagious grin, that boisterous laughter, that-

"Wow, you really are mopey."

You were snapped out of your thoughts by Toph. "I'm not mopey," you grumbled.

She snorted. "Uh, yeah you are. I can practically feel the pitifulness radiating off you."

"Gee, thanks a lot."

You were silent for a moment, and she seemed to soften. "You know, he's not mad at you anymore."

You glanced over, a scoff escaping your lips. "Yes he is, Toph. He hates me."

Her eye-roll was about the biggest you'd ever seen. "Don't be stupid, Sap. That kid loves you. It's so obvious it's gross."

You sighed, shaking your head. You pulled your knees to your chest. "Not anymore. I lied to him."

She nodded, seeming thoughtful. "Well, yeah, that kind of sucked. And obviously he would be kinda mad about that. But he's not anymore, trust me. I can feel it."

"You can feel it?"

"Mhm. He's mopey, too. He misses you."

You looked over to the center of the cave, where Aang was demonstrating some bizarre dance movement. You smiled fondly.

"Seriously, Y/n. You should talk to him."

You nodded, breathing in your resolve. "I will soon."

Toph groaned loudly. "Well, I guess that's as good as we're gonna get."

///

Spirits, you were exhausted. A day of cleaning out a river will do that to you.

It'd been a few days since the dance party, and your time had been occupied with Appa's "sickness" while you stopped at a local fishing village. It was pretty gross, but with your friend's help and Katara's fancy costume, you were able to leave it better than it was when you arrived.

Now, you found yourselves at yet another designated campsite - a patch of ground near the cliffside, overlooking the valley. You were tired, and so much as walking around felt like a chore.

Your eyes fell on a silhouetted figure perched on the edge of the cliff. Momo sat on his shoulder. You breathed, body growing alight with nervousness. You made your way over, Momo launching onto you when you got closer.

You chuckled, petting his furry head. "Hey, Momo," you said softly. You eyes flickered upwards, latching onto Aang's. He turned away. You sighed, setting Momo down and moving to sit next to him. You inhaled deeply, bracing yourself for impending rejection. You fidgeted with the edge of your shirt - a movement that his eyes quickly locked onto.

"Um, I know you probably don't want to talk to me, and that's ok, but I need to...I need to explain myself."

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him nod slowly.

"My whole life I had to keep my bending a secret, and nobody's ever known except my parents. And when I met you...I don't know. I guess I was just scared. I thought I was going to be the last one for the rest of my life. I'd been hiding and denying that I was an Airbender for so long, and I guess I just...felt safer to keep doing that."

He was silent, staring at you intently with concentration and an emotion you couldn't decipher. You continued.

"The point is, I should've told you. And I'm so, so sorry that I didn't. I don't know if you could ever forgive me, but I-"

You were cut off by the press of his lips against your own. Your eyes widened, and you sat rigidly still. He chuckled breathily at your shock, moving his hand to gently caress your cheek. You relaxed, leaning into his palm and letting your eyes fall shut. After a moment, he pulled away.

"I'm not mad at you, Y/n."

You were still frozen with pleasant surprise. "Oh...ok."

He laughed, reaching to brush a strand of hair behind your ear. He smiled adoringly.

"But wait - how aren't you mad? I kept this a secret from you, and I-"

"Well, I was mad," he cut you off. "But I'm not anymore. If there's anything that we can take away from this, it's that you're not the last Airbender. And neither am I."

You smiled at that. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

He pulled you into his side, keeping one arm around you while he performed random tricks; like making a whirlpool or air or sending a small tornado Sokka's way. You leaned into each other to muffle your giggles when he fell. You felt happier than you had since Ba Sing Se - filled with the happiness that only Aang could provide you. You had his trust, and his guidance, and you weren't alone. Neither of you were.

#avatar the last airbender #prince zuko #atla #fire lord zuko #aang x reader #legend of korra #sokka x reader #zuko x reader #avatar #avatar: tla #aang #avatar aang #avatar x reader #avatar imagine #team avatar #the gaang

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sagau-fruit-bowl · 3 years ago

Note

Can get a event love letter from lisa in the fluff au where she is the readers consort

Dear Requester, I hope you enjoy this! Lisa is a fun character to write (although this letter killed me because I accidently deleted it when I first wrote it.)

That said, again, enjoy the

LETTERS TO YOUR GRACE

To, my Dearest.

What a shame they've taken you away from me, and at such an inopportune time as well, I've recently gotten a shipment of new books I would adore to tell you all about.

Now then, how is it being so far from me? I know you and I both prefer being by each others side however I hope you don't feel cold without me to hold you.

How are the meetings? I wish I could be there to distract from your hard hard work, much like I'd do when those Knights of Favonius meetings drag on for ours, cutting into the time we spent curled into one another.

Despite the time without you, I can't complain. I still have orders of your favorite tea and not to mention all of the courting gifts you've given me.

Speaking of courting, I've heard you've had some rather insistent suitors, I truly hope they've decided to respect that you're already spoken for and instead admire from a distance but I also hope you're aware that as long as I am resting by your side, you'll never need to fret over the more… Disappointing acolytes.

Do you recall the book series I first read to you upon your descent into Teyvat? I do, within the new shipment was the next book in that story as well as some personal favorites of yours so I do hope you hurry soon, if nothing more than to receive my gift and a hint of my currently bottled up affection, which I feel you would appreciate.

No matter, I know this trip to Liyue cannot be cut short, no matter how much your devoted lover waits for her lover's re-entry into her arms.

I hope each meeting goes well, you definitely have some topics to discuss with them but a trip to Liyue Harbor would be a hassle, even if you're paying for it all, in fact especially if you're paying for it all.

Despite my reservations and desire for relaxation, I do pray you're not going mad with loneliness when alone at night without each other's arms wrapped around another.

I fear I might be.

Acting Grandmaster Jean has informed me your meetings should be finished without the next two weeks so I make a simple request, should you be freed enough to read my letter, come home.

Its tiring to write letter after letter that I never truly send, hopefully I'll send this one as I believe I'm awake before the postman arrives, which is impressive, don't you agree Dear?

Especially without you here to pull me out of my rest.

-Your Awaiting Lover, Lisa.

#genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #sagau cult au #genshin cult au #genshin impact x you #genshin lisa x reader

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urupotter · 4 years ago

Text

So while I've said before that I don't like the HP subreddit, I still frequent it because occasionally I read something insightful. This is one such case, where I read a reading of Lupin that I'd never seen before in response to a comment of mine analyzing the shrieking shack confrontation between Snape, Remus, Sirius and the golden trio, where I mentioned that Lupin was a gaslighter so I wanted to share. It was created by reddit user u/UsuallySiSometimesNo and is posted here with his permission. We had a little conversation in the comments. Read it under the cut

UsuallySiSometimesNo: That struck a cord with me, too. I didn't think about that on a conscious level before, but when I read it, it felt instantly true.

Honestly, I think the strongest examples of Lupin gaslighting are actually done to himself. The biggest, character-defining example, I think, is that after finding friendship with James, Sirius, and Peter, he becomes so desperate not to be ostracized from them (due to his issues of self-worth and his personal brand of impostor syndrome) that he deliberately and routinely feeds himself false narratives about their behavior until he can no longer tell fact from fiction, even as he's experiencing it.

Their relentless bullying of Snape? A childhood rivalry.

Their casual bullying of other students? Kids being young and stupid.

Their clear disinterest verging on contempt for Peter, someone less fortunate and vulnerable with whom they're supposed to be good friends? Just mates being mates.

Even actions taken against Lupin, himself, are revised in his memory to be 'no big deal', because he desperately needs that to be true. Let's pretend for a moment that Snape indisputably deserved to be slaughtered by a werewolf the night Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow. Sirius did not send Snape to be killed by any old werewolf. What happened that night was that Sirius - one of Remus' best friends, if not his actual best friend - attempted to use Remus' curse/illness against someone (which is a big enough betrayal on it's own) without ever telling Remus that when he woke up in the morning (covered in blood and in the presence of a shredded corpse) it would be to find that he had committed the act he was most petrified he might one day commit. In setting Snape up to be killed by Lupin, Sirius, at the very least, risked Lupin's sanity, and, at the very most, risked Lupin being sentenced to death.

Now, I understand that Sirius wasn't thinking about all of that when he did what he did, and I, as a someone removed from the situation (and armed with the additional character/situational knowledge granted to a reader) can even understand why Sirius' own trauma led him to grant such a blind death sentence to Snape (which I think is related to a point you made elsewhere, u/Adventure_Time_Snail, about Sirius' "violence towards those who trigger his fundamental fear of wizard fascists" because of his abusive upbringing). But Lupin's perspective is not one of an unbiased observer. And once James found out what was happening and pulled Snape back before it was too late (which, I would think, was more to save Lupin than to save Snape) and once Remus awoke the next to day to discover everything that transpired the night before, I find it hard to believe there wasn't at least some conversation about the true gravity of the situation. And yet, even all these years later, Lupin doesn't bat an eye when Sirius not only doesn't display shame when the event is mentioned in POA, but offers something akin to regret, NOT at the fact that his actions could have gotten Lupin killed, but that that they DIDN'T get Snape killed: "It served him right...", he sneered. etc. etc.

I think the obvious question here, is 'Even disregarding what Sirius did to Snape - how can Lupin be okay with the knowledge that Sirius has no regret, at all, for what he did to him, even now that they're adults?' Well, we're not in Lupin's point of view in the books, which means we can't hear his internal monologue, but I think a satisfactory answer to the question is that he's done a substantial amount of internal gymnastics in order to get to a point where he doesn't see this as a big deal, or even as something that he has a right to be upset about.... just like a gaslighter does to their victim.

Again, because we're not in Lupin's POV, we can't point to the exact instances that such internal gaslighting took place, but, based on what we do observe from Harry's POV (and based on external knowledge of gaslighting as a true-to-life concept) I wouldn't be surprised if Lupin so desperately needs everything to be okay that he derides himself for feeling bad or betrayed, that he calls himself stupid for thinking terrible things that have happened to him are a big deal, that he wars with himself about how people who are his friends and who are so good to him and who are better friends than he thinks he deserves could possibly do something to harm him/others, and that he beats down whatever emotions and senses and gut feelings he has that tells him something his friends have done might be very wrong. What we see in the books is a man who makes excuses for his friends and harbors a warped perception of reality in much the same way victims of gaslighting do, and he seems to exploit his own insecurities in order to instill doubt in his own experiences in much the same way perpetrators of gaslighting do.

I can't help but think that, by the time Lupin tells Harry that Snape harbors a particularly strong hatred for James because James was a better Quidditch player, Lupin has become so adept at gaslighting himself that he actually believes it.

tl;dr: One of Lupin's defining characteristics is that he gaslights himself out of a desperate need to be liked by others, since he has a difficult time liking himself and seems to believe all of his relationships are incredibly fragile.

Urupotter:

This is a fascinating reading on Lupin that I've never seen. I don't read him the same way, in that I think Lupin actually does know that what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't have the moral courage to act on his conscience. (I view him as the anti Snape, great conscience, but abysmal moral courage, while Snape had unbelievable moral courage but a shitty conscience. Their arcs are about growing their moral courage and their conscience respectively) Realizing that his negligence almost got Harry killed is what triggers his arc, concluding when he goes back to Tonks and Teddy after running away, taking responsibility for his actions for the first time.

But this reading is so interesting that I'll have to reflect on it. Do you mind if I post it on my Harry Potter tumblr blog? I'll credit you of course, I would just like to discuss it with my followers. Of course if you don't want to I won't.

UsuallySiSometimesNo:

Honestly, I think the lack of in-depth conversation about Remus Lupin (at least compared to fan favorites Sirius Black and Severus Snape) is a missed opportunity and a shame. Don't get me wrong, I can discuss Sirius and Snape until blue in the face, but Lupin's arc is just as powerful in an understated (and often underestimated) way. The muddy, oversimplified truth is, without the fatal-flaw decision making of all four Marauders throughout their lives, the series of events proceeding the first chapter of the first book don't happen, and the story we all know and love never comes to be.

And speaking of sparking a discussion about Lupin...

I think Lupin actually does know that what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't have the moral courage to act on his conscience.

You know what? I agree. And that's what makes him so interesting, I think. He is constantly and dependably full to bursting with internal conflict. When his friends are wrong/do something wrong/say something wrong, he can and does immediately identify the situation as wrong. When he does something wrong, or when he does nothing in the face of something wrong, in that moment I believe he knows the full weight of the situation. Like you said, he has a strong conscience, as well as a deeper, perhaps more nuanced understanding of right and wrong than do, for example, James and Sirius. Now, Lupin needs his friends. They're not just people to hang out with, they're a lifeline for him. He's not going to engage in conflict with them if there is even the slightest chance that he might lose them (for a variety of reasons, he lacks, as you said, the moral courage to do so). But he's also a generally decent human being, and with a strong conscience comes the capacity for sincere guilt and remorse. So, not only will he not confront his friends, he needs it to be okay that he doesn't confront them. And it's at that point that I think the self gaslighting is triggered.

But Lupin is intelligent and nobody's fool, so the gaslighting creates only a thin layer of ice over the problem. Just enough of a cover that he can live with the things he would otherwise deeply regret. I do think he believes the alternative reality he makes for himself to be accurate as long as it isn't really challenged. Crack the ice, though, and we see him express remorse and reveal an underlying awareness of past and present truths. But then the moment is over, and the war between the uncomfortably and full weight of the truth and his need for the companionship of his friends returns, and then the gaslighting begins again, allowing him an easier return to his closest friends (and eventually his closest friend, singular, after the others have been taken from him as was his fear all along) without conflict and with minimal strain on his conscience.

Once Sirius, the last of his original chosen family is gone - truly gone, as opposed to 'located elsewhere' as he was when in prison - following OOtP, suddenly Lupin's arc takes off at a greater speed than at any point prior. He's now literally lost all of the people he'd been terrified of figuratively losing. Although there are still people and things he cares about, he isn't as dependent on any of them as he was on those foundational friendships, and the finality of their absence allows him to finally grow beyond his stifling cycle of reality shifting, confront the truths of his reality and his circumstances, and, as you said, finally take responsibility by returning to Tonks and Teddy - a decision that, ultimately, triggers his death (I don't mean to imply that it was a bad decision or that it's the sole cause of his death, but Rowling has said that being 'out of practice' contributed to his loss at the Battle of Hogwarts, which makes for a fantastic tragedy).

I don't mean to overstate the importance of this theory or imply that it's always present when he's on-stage, and, as with anyone, many other elements, of course, factor into his actions/words/motives. But I think it's a fascinating potential component of his character all the same. If you have more thoughts on this, I love to hear them - and I look forward to reading the discussion on your blog!

So what do you think? Is this a valid reading of Lupin? I'd say it is, but I'm interested in reading my followers thoughts!

#remus lupin #lupin #severus snape #sirius black #moony #padfoot #the marauders #marauders #harry potter #hp #mwpp

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bbugyu · 4 years ago

Text

of all the views you had seen, there was little that could compare to him.

6.2k | cavalry captain!jeonghan x gn pyro!reader, genshin impact au, fluff, adventure, drinking, so much flirting, mentions of trauma, honestly this is the sweetest i'm ever gonna write jeonghan

happy inazuma release day!!! it's your local kaeya trash, because i predictably fall for gay bastards that lie straight to my face (example: jeonghan), and i'm here to give you a fic i wrote AGES ago and just polished up a bit to celebrate the release of what is likely going to be my FAVORITE region in genshin impact. i'm japanese so 😅 i have a soft spot. if there's any other gaymer carats out there, enjoy this one. if not, sorry! you can actually probably still read this and understand it for the most part, though you might miss a bit of context of the landscape and the lore.

ps. go tell @babiemingoo that wonwoo xinqiu 🤭

your work with the adventurer's guild was always efficient. you received your commissions, you carried them out, then returned for your reward, usually before the sun had even peaked. the rest of your day was generally spent either basking in the eternal sun of mondstadt, feeding cats in inazuma, or enjoying a hard earned meal in liyue, depending on where you decided to stay that week, finding board and paying for it with the commission you had earned that day. your tendency to wander came less from choice and more from nature - you could call yourself a nomad, but generally, you just got bored, and preferred seeing everything teyvat had to offer rather than settling in one place. adventuring was simply what you were meant to do, your mother had told you at a young age.

she, too, had wandered for most of her youth, and didn't stop just because you had come into her life. you remembered getting scooped up because you had wandered off a bit too close to the railing at wangshu inn as a toddler, playing with dogs at the docks of liyue harbor. you remembered the ludi harpastum and the first time you had ever had a sweet honey roast, and the way it made your eyes grow ten times in size before you dug in for more.

when your vision was bestowed upon you, you already knew how to use a sword. it was important, your mother told you, that you knew how to protect yourself. she had a vision as well, younger even than you had, and you had come to recognize the static in the air as a sign that she was angry - whether it was because of an altercation with someone on your journey or because you had secretly eaten the last hashbrown without consulting her first.

she used her vision and a sturdy blade she had owned since before you were born to protect the two of you on the road, but when she felt you were old enough, she taught you how to weild. a two handed weapon that was far too big for you when you were only fourteen, but when your reckless abandon got paired with a spark, you suddenly became far more dangerous than even your own mother. she scolded you for nearly starting a forest fire when you tried to pair the two skills for the first time after receiving your vision, and you both agreed that training was a beach activity from then on.

your mother settled eventually, after you were old and skilled enough to take on the road alone, pulling the many favors she had gathered in her travels to build a home in a small neighborhood south of liyue harbor, nestled in the foothills of mount tianheng, where you visited as often as your wandering allowed.

you had become much better with your vision. more careful but just as hot. quick to scan situations and strategize in the moment, hardly taking a second before jumping into action, slaying hilichurls like you were getting paid. well, you were, you supposed, but you had been doing this long before you had discovered the benefit of joining the guild. you were good at it. you were built for adventure, but revelled in leisure. there was good reason you were able to take afternoons off, and you milked every last second of it.

"you're back in town?"

you grinned, leaning your sword against the wall and dropping your bag off your shoulders before settling at the bar. "for now."

rubin often served you alcohol - when you were in mondstadt, at least, however often that may be - but never questioned you deeply. he would ask how your travels were, and listen to your stories from regions beyond his knowledge, of the cultures that he had only heard of from people like you. he enjoyed them just about as much as any, if not a little more, purely because your tenacious personality brought something more to the table. he wondered, though, how long you intended to keep living day by day, sleeping in different beds every week.

"what's wrong with sleeping in different beds?" you teased, laughing into your wine glass. "if i didn't know any better, i'd think you were shaming me, rube."

rubin simply laughed, knowing your tone by now. "i just wonder if you ever intend on digging in your roots, or if you'll continue travelling forever."

"if i dig roots, you may never see me again. is that what you want?"

"what," he said. "you don't like mondstadt?"

"i love monstadt," you assured him. "but i also love inazuma. and my mother is in liyue, though she might be upset with me if i try to settle too close to her. perhaps natlan would suit me more?" you shrugged finally, the door behind you opening as you finished with "i suppose i'll settle when i've found a reason to love one place more than the rest."

rubin shook his head, a chuckle falling from his lips. "a wanderer through and through." his attention was quickly drawn to the man entering the bar. "ah, captain! the usual?"

"please," the decorated man said, quickly taking a seat beside you despite the rest of the bar being available. "would you like another, wanderer?"

you eyed him cautiously, studying what you could see if his face around the black eyepatch, gaze skimming down his elaborate clothing before looking down at your emptied drink. "sure."

"another for your wandering friend, rubin, on my tab, please." your brain swirled, considering the brief information you had been given and wondered how you had never managed to meet this regular during your past visits. "are you just drinking dandelion wine, or something more fun?"

"more fun?" you asked. "what are you drinking, then?"

"well, a death after noon, of course," he stated. "don't tell me you haven't had one."

you blinked at him. "i haven't."

you turned towards rubin when he laughed at the back and forth. "shall i make two, then?"

"definitely," your new drinking buddy said, then gestured to you. "you trust my taste, right?"

you said nothing, but he accepted your silent smile as an agreeance. "captain," you said finally, thinking of how rubin had addressed him. "of?"

the man turned towards you, his elbow planted on the bar and his cheek on a fist. despite his get up, he had a playful smirk across his lips. "you mean, my reputation doesn't precede me? you really are a wanderer. everyone in mondstadt knows my name."

"everyone but me," you corrected. "as i'm currently in mondstadt."

his teeth shone behind his smirking lips before he sat up straight. "well, allow me to introduce myself." he saluted, his arm extending from his side at an angle - a salute you recognized from the guards around the city. "i am jeonghan, the cavalry captain of the knights of favonius."

"ah, the knights," you smiled briefly, before letting your eyes wander as you thought, crossing your arms over the bar. "i don't see much of a cavalry in the city, though."

he let out an amused exhale. "so i have a bit more free time these days."

"i'm sure the acting grand master is jealous of all your free time," you teased. "poor guy, looks like he's staving off a panic attack every time i see him. you should probably help him more."

"so," he sighed, leaning against the bar again. "you know of the acting grand master but not me?"

"jihoon?" you asked. "of course i know of him. he's all anyone ever talks about around here."

jeonghan nodded once, thanking rubin when he placed two drinks before you. "people talk about me, also, you know."

your lips stuck out in a pout. "jeonghan, you said? doesn't ring a bell."

he rolled his eyes and picked up his drink, holding it out for you to cheers against. you giggled, clinking your glass against his before taking a sip. the golden liquid was sweet, but not like the dandelion wine you had grown to love in this region. it had more depth, a subtle bitterness to it, and a refreshing bubble. you stared after the glass when it left your lips, then looked over to find jeonghan grinning at you.

"i see why it's your usual," you said, taking another sip before placing the glass on the bar. "i could drink too many."

"will you?" he asked.

"not tonight," you replied coolly. "i haven't asked sana to put me up at the guild yet, and if i get there too late, i'll get a cot instead of a bed. unless rubin finally wants to come clean about something?"

the bartender laughed. "how many times do i have to tell you? we don't even have rooms to board."

you squinted at him. "i know there's something upstairs. i'll learn your secrets one day, rube."

"i wouldn't be a very good bartender if i didn't know how to keep them."

"so you're in the guild?" jeonghan asked as rubin attended to another patron. "an adventuring wanderer."

you smiled vaguely at him. "i am. i have to pay for my travels somehow."

he shrugged. "there's other ways to make money. probably more profitable, too."

you eyed his teasing smirk. "i'm not sure i know what you're implying."

"as a captain of the knights of favonius, i assure you, i'm implying nothing at all," he said, exhaling sharply and adjusting on his stool. he leaned over towards you before speaking in a quieter tone. "but as jeonghan, i think you know exactly what i'm implying."

you only laughed, recognizing the thinly veiled attempt to worm a secret out of you. "i outgrew those means a long time ago. besides, when mora gets tight, i can always board up with my mother. i like liyue enough."

jeonghan studied you as you drank again. "liyue's home, is it?'

"for her, yes," you said, looking over to him, but you found yourself looking away again when his steely blue gaze met yours. you thought carefully about how much of yourself you were willing to reveal to this stranger, especially considering how important he was in the rule of the city. "she was a wanderer, too, and ended up falling in love with liyue harbor."

jeonghan made note of the way your face softened as you spoke about your mother. "and what about you?"

you met his intent look again, thinking about how his covered eye somehow made him even more intimidating. perhaps that was its purpose. "what about me?"

"what have you fallen in love with?"

a smile crept onto your lips as you processed his question. "oh, archons, what have i not fallen in love with? the smell of the open ocean in inazuma, the breathtaking temples in sumeru - have you ever been to waterfall city?"

jeonghan merely shook his head at you, the corners of his mouth turning upwards as he put his cheek on a fist again, leaning against the bar. "beautiful?"

you exhaled, eyes wide as you thought of the towering falls and the light mist that covered the city, trying to come up with an apt description. "humbling. there's nothing like it."

he watched your expression, head tilting further. "what a wonderful way to describe a place. tell me more."

your gaze went to him, then away briefly, feeling suddenly shy as you noticed his look. "about waterfall city?"

he shrugged a fur covered shoulder, shaking his head lightly. "about anywhere. describe your world, wanderer. i'd like to hear whatever you have to say."

you wondered if the heat that ran through you was because of the alcohol or the man, but you just took another drink and cleared your throat lightly, thinking of more places you had discovered in your travels. you thought of qingce village, one of your favorite places to visit, because the people are kind and welcoming and the fields are so beautiful. you told him about a tea shop owned by an old man - he insisted you call him pops so fiercely that you weren't even sure you had caught his given name - and it was probably the most relaxing cup of tea you ever had.

"it's been a while since i've gone," you sighed. "i think i'm overdue for a chat with pops and his tea."

jeonghan was smiling when you looked at him again. "the tea in liyue is unmatched," he said, reaching for his drink. before taking another sip, he gestured for you to continue.

so you did. you told him about sakura pond, about celestia city, about the volcanic black beaches. you told him liyue had your favorite people, but inazuma had your favorite food. he clicked his tongue at you.

"what about mondstadt? do we have one of your favorites?"

you smiled, genuinely. "sunsets. the night sky is different here than it is anywhere else. i think mondstadt is the closest we can get to the stars without joining the archons."

jeonghan studied you briefly, his blue eye flicking over your face as you finished your drink. "i think that's an apt observation. it seems your eyes are always wide."

"i travel for the views," you exhaled. "i don't plan on missing any."

he thought a second. "have you been to starsnatch cliff?"

your eyes lit up. "not in years," you said, in complete shock that you could have forgotten such a place. you pushed from the bar slightly, turning towards him, and he noticed the flash of a red gem strapped to your right thigh for the first time. "my mother took me there when i was a kid, but i haven't gone since."

"it never gets old," he said, sipping at the end of his drink. "i've yet to see that view and not be in awe."

"i'll go before i leave mondstadt again," you decided.

he looked to you. "when will that be?"

you sighed. "not sure, yet."

he just chuckled. "would you like another drink?"

"oh, no," you said, standing and stretching your spine. "i should make my leave. i don't like sleeping on cots. i just came by to let my ol' pal rube know i was in town again."

jeonghan watched you pull your pack onto your back, grabbing the handle of your sheathed claymore from where it was leaning against the wall next to the bar. "perhaps i'll see you again tomorrow?"

you looked at him, a vague smile on your lips as you strapped your sword back on. "perhaps you will, captain."

"jeonghan," he corrected. "but i don't believe you ever shared your name?"

"that was by design, captain," you said, and he swore he caught a glint in your eye as you bid rubin a farewell and stepped out of the angel's share.

jeonghan spun back around on his stool, immediately looking to rubin. "do you know their name?"

"no, sir," he said, looking at the closed door. "they've never said."

jeonghan's gaze went to the empty glass you had left behind, thinking about your stories, your sword, and the signifier of your vision on your thigh. "fascinating."

you got lucky - sana had a private room for you, and said you were welcome to rent it for your stay. she said not many people were travelling to mondstadt these days, and that more often than not, the adventurer's barracks in headquarters went unused. ever since the fatui had holed up in the grand goth hotel, it had been harder for you to make extended stays in mondstadt, but it seemed that something was telling you to stick around longer than usual. you laid on the hard mattress - a feeling that was more comforting than most, thanks to your continuous travels - and thought of the charming captain that had made a night of questioning you. you wondered if he really had any interest in anything you had to say, or if he had been hoping for details about something pertinent to an investigation.

you packed a lighter bag in the morning, only bringing along the essentials as you set out for your commissions for the day. that afternoon, you wandered around mondstadt and asked questions. questions about the simultaneously well-discussed and mysterious cavalry captain that had listened to your tales of travel, and answers came easier than expected, though they didn't contain all the details you were looking for. that night, you waited up at the angel's share to brag about your newfound knowledge to the captain that never showed, and you did your best to not let that hurt your ego.

the next day, you made a detour on your way back to the city after completing your commissions, stopping by springvale to enjoy a well deserved lunch and catch up with some locals. you sat in the grass with a skewer of grilled meat, watching the windmills of mondstadt steadily spin in the distance as time passed, thinking about how rubin had asked you if you didn't like it here.

you did, you decided. mondstadt felt different than anywhere else you had been. untouched, almost. wilder. freer. despite being born in inazuma, your first memories being in celestia, or your mother being in liyue, mondstadt felt comfortable. felt like a home. you wondered to yourself what that might mean.

sana greeted you happily when you returned much later than you normally did. she told you to go ahead to the guild and come back, filing away your reports and retrieving your rewards. you dropped off your things in your rented room, quickly, practically galloping back down the steps towards the entrance of the city to continue your conversation with the adventurer guilds' mighty receptionist without your sword weighing you down. you crossed your arms on the counter, comfortably lounging as you chatted with her, having always enjoyed her conversations more than most. like rubin, she was a reason mondstadt always felt comfortable.

"fancy meeting you here," an all too familiar voice said, and you pulled your eyes from sana to find jeonghan leaning his side against the counter next to you.

"good evening, cavalry captain!" sana chirped, placing your reward - your room free already removed - on the counter and bowing politely. "can i help you with anything today?"

his icy gaze flickered from your lightly curved lips towards sana. "oh, no, my dear. i'm just coming back from an investigation near springvale"

"interesting," you said, eyeing him. "i was just there and didn't see you."

"i wouldn't be very good at my job if you did, wanderer," he grinned. "knight business, you wouldn't understand. got the assignment yesterday."

"ah," you shifted to your side to face him, making him eye the vision on your thigh. "is that why you never showed? rubin was worried."

he looked you up and down. "rubin was, huh?"

you rolled your eyes and adjusted your posture to face away from his smirk. sana looked between the two of you twice before clearing her throat as quietly as possible, making jeonghan let out a chuckle before he directed his attention to the guild's receptionist.

"how goes holding the post, sana?"

she looked almost frightened when the attention was directed back to her. "good, captain! in fact, one of our most capable adventurers-" she gestured to you, "-just returned from taking care of some of our more difficult commissions - no one else would take them."

jeonghan looked at you. "why did sana have to tell your secret?"

your eyebrows quirked upwards. "what secret?"

"that you're good at this. shouldn't you be bragging?"

a chuckle spilled from your lips, and jeonghan watched you as you looked away. "i'm not the bragging type."

he studied you a moment. "what type are you, then?"

you considered the question, wondering exactly how to answer. what type were you? if not a teller, than surely you must be a shower, but that didn't seem right either. you exhaled. "the quiet type. see you later, sana."

he laughed, pushing off the counter as you tucked your mora into your waist bag, wishing sana a good evening and following you towards the fountain. "you sure talk a lot for being the quiet type."

a smirk landed itself on your lips as he fell into step beside you. "maybe private is a better description."

"that one i can see," jeonghan said, looking over to you. he thought of how you had spent nearly an hour telling him about the best views in teyvat, yet he still didn't know the most basic information about you. "do you share your name with anyone?"

you thought. "my mother."

he scoffed. "anyone else?"

you looked to the sky. "rubin."

"wrong," he retorted. "he doesn't know your name, either."

you laughed, looking over to him as you came up to the fountain, spinning and sitting back on the ledge. "you asked?"

"of course i asked," he said, planting one foot on the ledge beside you and placing his arms on his knee. "i asked other people, too. almost everyone knows you, but they don't know anything about you. bits and pieces, but never the full picture."

you just smiled up at him from your relaxed posture on the concrete. "what's wrong with a little intrigue?"

he just smiled back at you. "nothing. i tend to keep a bit myself. did you know there's a large number of people in this city that were shocked when i said you wield a claymore?"

you hummed, dipping the tips of your fingers into the fountain. "did you know there's a large number of people in this city that consider you the most eligible bachelor in not only mondstadt, but in all of teyvat?"

his lips parted slightly as you spoke. "so you snooped, too."

"i was bored yesterday. it wasn't hard," you exhaled. you flicked a drop of water towards his foot. "jeonghan yoon, the cavalry captain of the knights of favonius since he was only nineteen. who loves wine and whose adopted brother runs the biggest winery in teyvat, yet they're hardly ever seen speaking. who comes from a far off land on a different continent, but has come to love mondstadt like it was his home. who wears an eyepatch but has never told anyone why."

he chuckled at the assessment and pulled his foot off the ledge to sit beside you. "so when do i get to learn about you?"

"i told you about me yesterday," you said.

"you told me about teyvat," he corrected. "and while i was able to infer some things about your character, i still know close to nothing about you."

you thought for a moment, realizing no one had ever noticed how little you truly shared despite always being willing to tell stories. "sometimes it feels like i am teyvat. it's hard to think of things that are just about me."

"you could start with that vision," he said, nodding at the strap across your thigh. you looked down at it, exhaling.

"what's there to tell? you know what it means, and that's more teyvat than me, too."

he leaned back on a hand, looking you up and down in curiosity. "how old were you."

you chewed your cheek. "fourteen. you?"

his lip quirked upwards. "sixteen."

you bumped his shoulder with yours playfully. "beat you."

he laughed. "how'd it happen?"

you paused. "you go first."

he just chuckled and looked away, watching a dog wander past the general store. "another day, then."

"no fun," you sighed, brushing your hands together as you leaned forward. "what about the eyepatch?"

he met your eyes, mouth slanted in a smirk. "another day."

you clicked your tongue. "if you wanna learn about me, you have to be willing to give up some details, too. i value a fair trade."

"then stop asking questions that you know i won't share the answer to." jeonghan noticed the color of the sky, then suddenly pulled a pocket watch out, checking it quickly to confirm that there was enough time and stood. "come with me?"

you stared up at him. "where?"

he grinned, extending a hand to help you to your feet. "you said mondstadt's sunsets were your favorite, correct?"

you generally weren't prone to following mysterious men into back corridors, but jeonghan easily convinced you with no words at all that sneaking around the sight line of the acting grand master was completely normal behavior, sushing you with a grin as you giggled, taking refuge around a corner after the two of you made it up to the second floor of the favonius headquarters. he tugged your hand with his, pulling you into a steep maintenance staircase behind a door.

"this feels like it's against some rules," you said, climbing the stairs behind him.

"nonsense," he said, looking back at you and grinning. "are you suggesting that a knight of favonius would break rules just to impress a mysterious traveler?"

you laughed quietly, wondering if he really meant that he wanted to impress you. "not most, but maybe this one."

he only thought for a split second. "if anyone asks, we're on official knight business."

he opened the door and you found the sky again, beginning to glow orange as the edge of the sun began to hide behind the cliffs. you stared in awe at the way the few fluffy clouds reflected pink and gold, then readjusted your focus when jeonghan spoke again.

"i hope you aren't afraid of heights," he said, walking over to the parapets that surrounded you. "the best view requires a bit of a climb."

you looked up at the tower, and while it wasn't much higher than where you stood, you also recognized that you were well above most of mondstadt already. "you climb up there?"

he paused, studying you. "we don't have to, we can just sit on a merlon-"

"no, we can climb," you said, walking over to where he was and eyeing the small gap between the parapet and the adjacent roof. "hop over?"

he laughed, stepping over the gap and holding a hand out for you. "watch your step."

and though you didn't need it, you accepted the hand anyways, and it stayed on yours as you walked over the roof to the tower, as if making sure you didn't misstep several stories in the air.

"would you like to go first?" he asked. "i'll catch you if you fall."

you rolled your eyes at him, dropping your hand from his grip. "you go first. i want to see where the handholds are."

he just grinned at you. "very well," he said, tugging on the wrists of his fingerless gloves to make sure they were taught against his skin before taking hold of a brick. you watched him as he took foothold after foothold, and he resisted the urge to show off by speedily scaling the wall in favor of making sure you had the chance to see where he gripped. when he reached the opening in the tower, he pulled himself up and spun around, exhaling with a grin as he seated himself at the ledge with his legs dangling above you.

"your turn."

you adjusted your waist bag as you sighed in amused annoyance, spinning it to be behind you and out of your hips' way to climb the wall. it wasn't much - a couple meters, maybe - and you had definitely climbed further, but jeonghan's presence made you slightly nervous. that nervousness, however, just fueled you to prove yourself.

you scaled the wall easily, making jeonghan whistle and jokingly call you some kind of adventurer, and your only hesitation came when his hand was in your face. despite your initial inclination to ignore it, you put your left hand in his, allowing him to help you pull yourself up on the ledge and sit beside him.

"impressive," he commented.

you laughed, brushing off your hands. "you, too."

"c'mon," he said, gesturing his head over his shoulder before making moves to stand. "the view's on the other side."

you sighed, looking over the view of mondstadt shrouded in golden light as he stood and walked to the other ledge. "never a moment of rest with you."

"if you want to miss the sunset, be my guest."

you leaned back on your hands and laughed, pulling your gaze away from the city to look at where jeonghan had seated himself on the other end of the tower, and subsequently the view of the rolling hills beyond him that were glowing golden in the evening sun. you blinked for a second, realizing you hadn't seen the sunset the night before, and quickly got to your feet to join him before you missed this one, too.

he gave you a soft smile when you sat beside him, and you briefly wondered how many he had in his repertoire. the wind was stronger higher, whipping gently through his hair and alleviating any uncomfortable warmth you may have had from exerting yourself on the way up. you watched the dregs of sunlight skip across the grassy hills and the sky turn deep orange and bright pink, feet swinging lightly over the edge of the tower.

"i was fighting with my brother," he said suddenly, causing you to look at him with a start before you realized he was telling you about his vision. there was a slight smile on his face as he looked out on the fields. "hyungwon. it was bad. he already had his - he's a pyro, like you - and we were both young and stupid and just lost our dad. we were sword fighting and it came to me when i needed it. it probably saved my life, honestly."

you blinked at him. "you think he would have killed you?'

he exhaled, leaning back on his hands. "i think if the roles had been reversed, i would have tried to kill him, too. i'm grateful it didn't go that way, though." he coughed abruptly, clearing his throat. "we're on speaking terms, and i do love him as a brother, but i generally avoid him."

you let that thought ruminate as you watched the sun sink, halfway beyond the horizon. "my father was in a gang in inazuma, but my mom ran away when she found out she was pregnant. didn't want to raise a kid in that world, i guess? we ran into him when i got older and he wasn't very understanding." you paused, remembering the detail too well. "they were going to take her vision. that's what they did to traitors. probably take me, too. they weren't expecting me to start setting fires."

jeonghan's gaze was on you as yours was on the horizon. "just a couple of survivors."

you looked over at him, a smirk on your lips. "a couple?"

he laughed waving at your implication, thinking he would have said the same thing in an attempt to fluster you just as you were to him. "like, more than one and less than four."

you only laughed back. "fortune favors the weak, i suppose. the archons saw we needed help and extended a fig branch."

"is that what it was?" he asked, a laugh on his lips. "we were both fighting people. that's hardly an offer of peace."

"look for the deeper meaning, jeonghan. we were fighting for our lives," you pointed out, and he realized it was the first time you had addressed him by his name rather than his title. "i was fighting for family. for freedom. is that not the greatest pursuit of peace?"

he watched you as you pulled your knees to your chest, putting your feet on the edge of the stonework surface you sat on. he studied the way the golden rays lit your skin and made your eyes sparkle. "i suppose so."

you paused in that moment for a long while, and jeonghan allowed the comfortable silence as the two of you watched the sun disappear beyond the cliffs of mondstadt. the sky was turning a deep shade of purple when you told him your name, and jeonghan thought that it was quite possibly the best news he had ever received, but he kept that joy to himself as he confirmed your name, and you rolled your eyes.

"are you gonna answer my other question now?"

he scoffed. "about the eyepatch? is it really that interesting?"

"not any more interesting than my name," you retorted.

"completely untrue," jeonghan insisted. "i've never been so excited to be told a secret, and i get told a lot of secrets."

you eyed his smile warily. "my name may be unknown, but it's no secret."

he sighed and shook his head lightly. "you really wanna know the reason i wear it? it's probably not as dramatic as you're hoping."

"yet you hide it?"

he laughed. "what's wrong with a little intrigue?"

you looked away, recognizing the parrot of your own words. "whatever you say, captain."

"no!" he whined and grabbed your arm, making you start and look at him with big eyes. "you just started calling me jeonghan, don't go back to captain."

you stared at him, only breaking to laugh, dropping your legs over the edge again. "you won't show me what's under the eyepatch, so i thought we weren't on first name basis."

his hand on your bicep was warm and gentle, but his gaze was piercing as he thought it over for a bit longer. you did your best to hold it, but you felt yourself shrinking when he quietly muttered, "go on, then."

it took you a second to register what he meant, and you reached out slowly, fingers hesitating before they brushed upon his cheekbone. jeonghan closed his eyes, resigning to your touch as you gently lifted the eyepatch. his eyes opened again, slowly, and you thought your heart might have skipped a beat.

"like chocolate," you commented, and a smile spread across his lips.

"that's the kindest reaction i've gotten."

your fingers fell upon his temple, brushing down gently as you inspected his singular brown eye. "since birth?"

he nodded, his eyes flicking down to your lips briefly before he spoke. "heterochromia. it's a characteristic of my family."

you studied his face. "not the one here?"

he sighed. "not the one here."

the icy blue of jeonghan's eye had always struck something in you. it made him mysterious. commanding. it felt like he saw more than you despite having one eye covered. but now, you felt warm. you felt his gentleness. there was comfort hidden away behind that black patch, and you told him that you understood why the cavalry captain had chosen to hide the eye he did.

but to you, he was willing to show anything that would keep you around longer, he said.

"why me?" you asked, studying his expression when he looked away. the sun had retreated behind the hills, leaving the sky a deep blue.

jeonghan didn't respond right away, and you wondered if he himself even knew the answer. "we're birds of a feather, you and i."

you looked out to the view again, watching the subtle movements of the wild hills. "did you travel much before you came here?"

"it was all i knew," he told you. "i was thirteen when my father left me here."

your neck snapped, your eyes on his profile when he leaned back on his hands. "left you?"

he almost laughed, a smile on his lips when his eyes met yours. "i was slowing him down, i suppose. hyungwon's father found me and took me in."

"so you stayed?"

"i didn't always want to," he assured you. "i had the itch to leave for years. as soon as i was able, i always told myself." he paused, eyes dropping. "then father died. then hyungwon turned down his position with the knights. and i was their second choice."

you pursed your lips. "you stayed for a job."

he laughed. "it's not that simple."

you smiled at him, enjoying the warmth of his eyes on yours as the sky cooled. "are you sure we're birds of a feather?"

"listen," he said, getting off his hands and brushing them off on his thighs. "i accepted the job so that i could set the story straight. i didn't want to run from the people that believed that hyungwon tried to kill me to avenge our father."

you studied him. "i'm sorry."

"don't be," he said, nudging your shoulder. "i was still planning on leaving, but then i fell in love."

you looked away, trying to sort out the way your stomach flipped. "are they still around?"

"not with a person," he laughed, then nodded towards the now dark hills. "with the views. besides, i get free reign whenever i leave for missions. i have fun adventuring, and come home to the best sunsets in teyvat. there are worse places to call home."

your eyes scanned the horizon, remembering the brilliant rays of sun you had just seen skip across it. "that is tempting."

"how tempting?" he asked.

you thought on that for a moment. "almost as much as a death after noon right now."

jeonghan laughed, slightly proud that he had hooked you on his favorite drink. "shall we go see rubin, then?"

you hummed, smiling at the captain. "as long as i don't have to sit alone again."

"that's a promise," he told you as he stood, holding out a hand that you took without hesitation, though he withheld his intention to make sure you were never alone again.

#hehe i came up with a whole thing #this was basically me wanting to write kaeya fanfic but knowing i would wanna post it so writing it about jeonghan instead #caratwritersclub #jeonghan scenarios #jeonghan imagines #jeonghan fluff #seventeen fluff #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #hannie #genshin impact au #jeonghan is kaeya and im just right #i wrote dis

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marisandini-chu-blog · 4 years ago

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How Shadow and Bones Differentiate Villain and Anti-Hero

Alright, first I need to claim the fact that I love dark, edgy, but misunderstood bad boy in stories with the potential of epic redemption. Loki from Marvel. Jason Todd from DC. Captain Hook from Once Upon a Time. Zuko from AtLA. You name them, I simp them.

So when I watched this new show on Netflix and shown a tall, handsome man in dark clothing, both respected and feared for his power. I feel... nothing.

WHICH IS WEIRD! Like... he’s obviously my type. Complete with the sad backstory and vicious streak. So I kept wondering why I wasn’t enamored by the Darkling, Alexander Kirigan. I wasn’t surprised he was the main villain, I even expected it. But I usually at least have a bit of sympathy for them. This OOC behavior of mine made me introspect myself and the show, trying to find out which part gave me the red flags before Mother Darkling decides to pop the chosen one out halfway in the season.

That’s when it hit me; there were red flags! The show had been subtly trying to tell us Kirigan is a manipulative boyfriend not just by great acting and good directing, but by comparing him with the actual anti-hero of the story who I actually love; Kaz Brekker.

Here’s the list of signs you might not notice of why Kirigan is meant to be a Villain instead of an Anti-Hero.

1. The Eyes

"The eyes are the window to the soul" is a common saying and and the key to good acting for any good show. Eyes tell us a lot about what a person’s character is like and SaB showed us the difference of a sincere man and a man with a hidden agenda.

Look at him! Look at that little smirk. Look at the gaze. That's the look you find when someone's evil little plan is finally coming together. Not one awed by the power or by Alina. A blatant sus move is what I'm saying. Congrat, first flag planted.

Sure he could still fall in love with Alina, but that doesn't stop his agenda either. All it does is potentially create conflict for him to pick either his plan for revenge or life with Alina.

In comparison, look at Kaz when he said this to Inej; "She isn't like you, no one is." Straightforward eyes. Serious grim. No nonsense tone. Inej is one of the most talented and terrifying rogue-assassin and Kaz just blatantly said that he kept her from 'slavery' because of who she is, not what she's capable of. Like... the man has no shame being known to love her while still trying to be professional (or as professional a thief can be). I can respect that.

This is the eye of a man who would abandon everything to make sure she comes out alright in the end. Do not argue with me on this!

2. Leverage and Status

The moment Alina steps into the Little Palace she was treated like a princess. A palace, by the way, that’s managed by the Darkling. She gets favorable treatment; from the food, Zoya displaced when she fought Alina, a horseback ride just the two of them, asking her to call by his name to make them familiar, a black uniform that might as well be claiming???

Dude is desperate is what I’m saying.

Sure, this could all be romantic gestures. There’s the problem that Kirigan is superior in status and name, powerful Grisha, and has a vested interest in her power. Pursuing romance while Kirigan has the ability to make her life heaven or hell with a snap of his finger made every single decision be seen with wariness.

"Beware of powerful men," Genya couldn't put it any better.

Had they pursued romance after they destroy the fold, cementing Alina’s position as a saint more. Then I might have let go of that wariness.

I’m only proven correct when the moment Alina turned away from him, Kirigan made another leverage by (spoiler!) putting an antler to her collarbone... eeeewwww much?!

That’s how desperate the Darkling is to be in control of a person and a situation.

And when no letter came for Alina? That a big red flag because who else in this castle can control the coming of going of letter with the Savior. HMMMMMMMMMMM.....

Then there’s Kaz. My man. There’s no competition. This guy held no leverage on my dear Inej. When she almost decided to leave, Kaz didn't force or convince her to stay but he ask her. Doesn't remind her of her debt whether monetary or life debt to him. In fact, this guy needs money for revenge but instead mortgage his main source of income for her freedom.

HE POSTPONED HIS LIFE GOAL TO FREE HER FROM DEBT ASJHAKFSDJGLDFJ!!!

What more do I need to say?

3. Sympathy Card

This is the type of point you want to watch out from your partners, ladies, gents, and others. The sympathy card is the way to go when anyone wants to reach out to you so you can take care of them before they abuse or gaslight you.

While it’s good to share trauma and eased the burden, sometimes it's healthy to ask yourself whether the person can take advantage of you and to verify whether they lie to you or not.

When Kirigan shared about his past as a sympathetic boy with his secluded fountain and coin. Everything about that scene rang warning bells for me... the part he had requested her to use his color... requesting to horse ride with just them two... sharing sob story that may encourage Alina to help him...

Kudos to Alina to see through the fact she's seen as a means to an end.

It was only when Kirigan showed righteous anger and frustration of a war that's killing his people did Alina finally opened her heart to him.

Kaz however doesn't use the sympathy card. Heck, the man likes to believe he shed away any weakness and threw it in the harbor where it belongs. Kaz hates weaknesses. And garnering sympathy is an admission of weakness for him.

We still know there's a tragic backstory as any decent anti-hero would have... but by not sharing that, this implies that Inej and Jesper stayed because of who he is, and not because of who he was or how he came to be. They don't need a sob story to stay together and that showed a stronger bond between them.

4. Friends

To be frank, I find this the most hilarious because this point is the one that convinced me that Kirigan was secretly an evil bastard.

He doesn’t have any friends!!!

Like... dude had a literal witch army, a wife once, a fuck buddy, and a girlfriend but there wasn’t a single moment in the show where someone, outside of Alina and superior, to speak casually to him.

You’re telling me this person... the most powerful and influential Grisha in the East Ravka, charming as hell, handsome as fuck, and yet he doesn’t have friends?!

“I’ve buried good soldiers... friends...” Get the fuck out of here! WHAT FRIENDS?!?! Maybe if you get off your little power trip from your self-made pedestal, you can actually be less of an asshole and make one.

Sure he excused himself by blaming his ‘ancestor’ for being a shadow summoner. I can see how the fear makes it hard for him to get close to anybody. But all the other characters who are part of his army only ever shown to speak with him respectfully, and the royalty even commend him. No one disrespected him even openly and you’re telling me he doesn’t have one friend amidst all these people?!

In comparison, look at Kaz. He’s brash, crude, and unapologetic. He held true to his moniker ‘Bastard of the Barrel’ and yet this ass has friends. They show Jesper joking with Kaz, and Kaz has shown to banter with him back as well as tolerating his gambling addiction when it could have jeopardized the Job. Inej was shown to actually argue and have disagreement with Kaz when he’s technically her boss. Can you imagine the Darkling doing that? CAN YOU?!

No. Because he's a pretentious ass. That's why.

This is a great example of the use “show not tell” of how Kaz despite his obvious edges has a soft spot shown through his relationship with Inej and Jesper, who have a friendly dynamic. I can attest that while Kaz didn’t create a good first impression, I love Jesper and Inej (they are precious!) so much that I project it to Kaz in extension.

On the other hand, Kirigan’s goodwill had only ever been told by outsiders or himself. None from his inner circle (which he doesn’t have!) other than his mother, who ended up outing him instead.

So I applaud the writers and showrunners of SaB to actually have subtext signs of a manipulative bastard. The Duckling is a good villain character that's complex but unredeemable. Sometimes, you just have a good ol' charming villain you can't redeem and that's okay.

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