#like i feel so fortunate and i am so grateful for the privilege of having parents who can help me

[marbleheavy]

why are textbooks so expensive it’s so frustrating

[didalexiabreakupwitholgayet]

sandra paños' farewell statement

"well, good morning and thank you to all the people who are here present on such an emotional and special day for me. first of all, i wanted to thank the club, the board of directors represented by xavi puig and the sports director marc vivés for giving me the opportunity to say goodbye here today. as i said many months ago, this is my last season at the club. i came to barça in 2015 thanks to the assistance of xavi llorens and i will always be very grateful to him for having trusted me.

if i look back and stop to think about everything we have experienced and achieved in this time, i think it has been an extraordinary journey that i could not have imagined even in my wildest dreams. barcelona has been my home for nine years. i arrived with great desire and excitement to take on the world but also with the respect of coming to the best team in spain and to what could become the best team in the world.

i believe that i have grown a lot both in sports and personally, i have lived a barça life full of experiences and i can say with my head held high that i have given everything for this shield. i am leaving in peace with the tremendous pride of having been one of the captains of this extraordinary team that never tires of improving itself and i have no doubt that you continue to do so. with the satisfaction of the work done by everyone that has led us to achieve many successes. and above all, i am happy to have shared so many moments with wonderful people, people who will stay with me for the rest of my life.

i feel very fortunate and privileged to have been part of the exponential growth of the false arrival of our country, having broken barriers and raised our voice. we have earned the respect and admiration of society and the world through our way of playing and understanding football and i believe that with our naturalness we have infected thousands and thousands of people who are now fans of women's football.

we have a synergy that moves the world and experiencing this first hand is honestly amazing. i consider myself a normal person who has lived an extraordinary life. the 23 titles that have coincided are a good example of this. three leagues, three european champions leagues that sum up the commitment, the effort of a job well done. i don't want to forget the afternoon when we filled the camp nou with 91,000 people and that was a world record attendance at the women's football match and above all being able to live on the pitch with all the fans.

i have always tried to be faithful to my values ​​and principles throughout the time with the responsibility of tranquility and way of understanding life and sport, especially towards the youngest who now have a role model to look up to. those role models that we all missed. like you, this life has a beginning and an end that ends my time in barcelona. i would like to thank all the people with whom i have shared these nine years, club workers, directors responsible for the women's team, medical services, staff and all the colleagues with whom i have shared a locker room.

but if i have to make a special mention, it is to a person who has been with me since i arrived at the club. we have grown, laughed, cried, seen me frustrated, improved, and has been the person who has supported me the most along the way and has been very important in my sporting growth. thanks to zuri.

i want to value all the work and dedication of each of the people who have dedicated themselves to this team. because things are not a coincidence and when there is a firm commitment and you work hard in the same direction, things go well and that could not happen without the total commitment that the group has made to us. i believe in the legacy we leave behind is the greatest motivation for the next generations to continue working at the highest level. i won't forget the fans who are always by our side. thanks culers!

on a more personal level, i want to thank all the people who have accompanied me in this stage in a more close way, but especially my mother, my brothers and my partner, my traveling companion, who has been fundamental and has helped me a lot and has sustained me through the worst moments. i also want to thank you for being unconditional and supporting me and following me everywhere as you have done since i was little.

but above all i made it through this year the most difficult of all because thanks to you i am the person i am and i have managed to get ahead in all the situations i have encountered on this path. and honestly it may have been the most complicated year but the one in which i have learned the most and which i have been personally and professionally and i am very proud to have at my side, the engine of my life. it is not like a place where i have been so loved, happy and fulfilled and that is why i will be eternally grateful to have belonged to barça and to have taken our shield to the highest level. our paths are separating for the moment but i can proudly say that barça will always be my home.

[to-the-stars8]

Affairs and Letters

Jason Todd x Reader Regency AU! AO3 Chapters

Part X

Mr. Todd did not understand as he was fortunate to have grown up in the privileged life that Mr. Wayne provided for him. You, on the other hand, had no more beyond what the Kents had given you. Without them, you would reasonably be desolate on the streets. Yet, his words had stirred your thoughts. For so long you had attended the Kents faithfully and been gifted very much by them, but, as you thought of a life beyond them, you could not help but feel used. 

And now, despite your better judgment, you stood before Mr. Todd’s bedroom door. If anyone were to see you, there would be no explanation as to why you, an unmarried woman, were at the door of a young bachelor at midnight. Just as you were about to step away, now brought back to your senses, the entrance to Mr. Todd’s room opened. 

“Miss,” Mr. Todd said, surprised. “Is everything alright?”

You opened your mouth to speak, but no words could escape you. Jason, ever the observer, stepped aside to let you in. The room was lit with one or two candles, both of Mr. Todd’s desk where he seemed to be penning a letter. 

When the door closed, you turned back to him. You still could not find the words to explain your presence, so he filled the silence for you. “I heard from the apothecary that Jon’s condition has improved.”

“Yes,” You managed to say. You noted that when you were not looking at him, it was much easier to find words. “The Kents are very grateful for your father.”

Jason chuckled, motioning for you to sit on the bed as he took a seat at his desk. “Most people in this town are. He has made it his mission to gain everyone’s approval.”

“You disagree,” You asked, finally looking up to meet his eyes. They sparkled with intrigue that drew you further in. 

Jason shook his head. “On the contrary, I understand a reputation needs to be made for a certain social order, especially when one is new. You of all people would understand that most, as well.”

You smiled, looking down at your hands. “Yes, I do understand.”

“I believe my suffering comes from my own,” He paused, thinking. “Awkwardness. I like to be comfortable.”

“Being too comfortable can have an effect on the character.”

“How do you mean?”

You thought, picking your words carefully. “Well, being too comfortable can possibly equate to never wanting to change. Change is important to one’s character. To speak plainly, it can lead to narrowmindedness.”

“You would not want that?” You shook your head at his words. “Then why do you not seek change?”

“What?”

Mr. Todd leaned back in his chair, looking amused. “You say you believe change is necessary, but you seem comfortable where you are now. You deal with the Kents, serving them on both hand and foot with no want to change. So, could you not argue that it is not only comfort that challenges the person, but also the unwillingness to take chances?”

You felt a bit slighted, whether by boldness to make such accusations, or that he was right. “I…”

“Worry not,” Jason smiled and stood. “I am not attempting to undermine or judge you. Nor am I in any position to do so.” 

“It feels as though you are,” You said, standing with him. There was no malice, and you felt the bit of humor he meant. 

He looked down at you, eyes searching for something in yours, perhaps some fault he could make you laugh at. Suddenly, Jason’s hands were on your hips, pulling you toward him. You did not deny him of this touch as you found yourself liking it. You almost had hoped he would touch you in such a way when you knocked upon his door. It brought forth feelings you had not known were possible. You’d had secret flights of fancy before, but nothing similar to what Mr. Todd made you feel. It was deep and resonated with something you felt had been missing.

“Who am I to judge a beautiful woman?” Mr. Todd said, pressing a feather-light kiss to your lips. 

You giggled. “There are some men who believe that beautiful women are dangerous.”

“Scared fools,” Jason said, hand slowly playing with one of the buttons on the back of your dress. 

“No, Mr. Todd,” You said, pushing his hand away from your back. “I will not let you have me so easily.”

Jason smiled again, putting his face into the nape of your neck and breathing in your scent. You smelled of sweet perfume with a slight hint of peppermint oil. Your hands wandered his back, feeling the muscles under his shirt and he heard you such in a breath. 

“Jason,” said you. He hummed in response. “You say that the unwillingness to take chances harms one's character, what if those chances could be one's ruin?”

Mr. Todd was silent for a second before he pulled back from your neck, putting his forehead against yours. “More experience I suppose. Life is full of trial and error. It is human to learn,” He pressed light kisses to your hand. “Yet, I am sensing that this does alleviate any worry.”

“No, sir, it does,” You said, quickly deciding to speak plainly. “I just know I cannot let you be my ruin.”

“Then do not let me be your ruin. I would not wish to be. If I am to be anything to you, then let me be your experience.”

[meadow-dusk]

Happy Birthday, Neil Young!

❄️ Last year, I heard a sound clip where Neil expressed his sincere gratitude for the privilege of seeing the seasons change 77 times (and counting). I remember thinking, what a beautiful thought: to see the cycle of a year as a gift. Through the lens of change, each one is a chance to witness rebirth after death, to anticipate cool relief from summer heat, to add fond new memories to our personal treasure chests filled with seasons gone by.

🌸 His words stuck with me all year as I used the changing seasons as a motivator to get to the next phase of my own life...At the time I write this, I have the good fortune of being surrounded by foliage at nature's peak, putting on a show as it prepares to shed a carpet of leaves to usher in a new year. What's more, when you let love illuminate the way, it's all a little more intense. The world has color, sound, and urgency that you otherwise might have missed. Neil shows me the beauty in every ordinary act of nature, and he inspires me to try hard to preserve it for the generations to come.

🌳 But today I look back on a past year shaped by the uncanny connection I feel to this incredibly special, talented, genuine, kind, and good man. I get to celebrate how grateful I am for Neil in my life, how I feel him as companion, confidante, comforter, friend, lover, inspiration, and muse. I have leaned on him in ways big and small, and I have grown in the way I love him, no less intense but more mature. The growth and change is healthy and good (if not always predictable), just like the Earth in her seasons.

🍁 And so, I hope his 78th time around has been just as wonderful and nothing less than awe-inspiring. I hope I can continue to learn lessons from him about life, love, and compassion for all living things on this planet as a steward of this Earth. I wish him all the love and happiness in the world for many, many more trips around the sun.

Happy Birthday, Neil ❤️

[denimbex1986]

'Since only recently opting to have a new host each year, the BAFTA Film Awards have had various big names on master of ceremonies duties including Joanna Lumley, Graham Norton, Rebel Wilson and Richard E. Grant. While all popular figures, none managed to get the public reaction of this year’s host: David Tennant.

According to sources at the British Academy, the announcement that David Tennant would be overseeing the U.K.’s biggest night for film on Feb. 18 was met with an overwhelmingly positive response that even they weren’t expecting. Whatever the “Doctor Who” legend’s fanbase may be called (even he says he’s not sure and is “open to suggestions”), they certainly took the news well, and he says he’s “grateful for anyone who thinks it’s a good idea.” But he admits that he’s still somewhat “bewildered” by BAFTA’s decision.

Speaking to Variety ahead of the ceremony, Tennant discusses keeping things friendly on stage, how the interest in what he’s going to wear has matched the excitement about his first “Doctor Who” outfit and why he won’t be aiming any jokes at the biggest name in pop (whether she’s in the room or not).

Are you excited about hosting the BAFTAs?

I am! But I’m a bit bewildered. I don’t know what to expect, if I’m honest with you. The whole thing just feels like one of those experiences you say “yes” to because it would be churlish not to. But what an amazing thing to be asked to do. What a privilege.

What’s your approach going to be when it comes to hosting? Warm and cuddly, nice with a little bit of snark or all-out Ricky Gervais?

I think the BAFTA mood is supportive and friendly. Ricky Gervais is brilliant at what he does, but that wouldn’t be my style. I don’t think I’ve quite got that sort of approach, so I think you just have to kind of be who you are, really. But we’ve got some good material that won’t leave anyone feeling got at.

I imagine you’ve been to a few in your time, but do you enjoy awards ceremonies?

On one level, they’re dazzling and exciting and giddy-making and then the other version is rather dull and rather repetitive. So it’s about trying to edge toward the former rather than the latter. But there are some fantastic films in the running. It’s a competitive year. So I think that will give the awards company itself a bit of pep, because I think it’s quite unpredictable. Very often, by the time you get to this stage of awards season, you kind of know who’s going to win what. But I when I look at the categories, I can’t actually guess many of them. I think they’re all quite wide open. And there’s a lot of incredibly talented people doing incredibly remarkable things in each category. So I think that, more than anything else, actually is the engine to a good awards show.

At the recent Golden Globes ceremony, one of the main talking points from the evening was how host Jo Koy bombed on stage. Did this spark any fear of jokes falling flat or you being met with a silent room?

Not being a comic I feel gives me slight cover. I’m not really expected to be good at any of that stuff. I’m just there to hold it all together. And don’t diss Tay Tay, I think is the lesson to be learned. I live in a house of Taylor Swift fans, so I know better.

The BAFTA stage has often been used as a platform to let off a bit of comic steam about some of the issues of the day, especially politics. Are you going to be using this opportunity to raise any thoughts about the government or current affairs or Scottish independence?

I think it will probably focus on the evening. There’s so much going on in the world that one could talk about. But think it would be probably a hostage to fortune to try and use that platform. Obviously, we live in a world where there’s all sorts of awful things going on and we’re all deeply moved by it. But probably the purpose of an award show at this moment in time is to have a moment away from all that.

Have you managed to watch all of the nominated films?

I made a decision very early on that as the host, I had to remain entirely neutral and not pass comment on any of the films. I’m not talking about any of this. I’m removing myself from it. I don’t want it to look like there’s any sort of favoritism going on. So that’s has been my policy, which I’m going to continue very vigilantly until after the awards show. And then I will post all my opinions about who was robbed.

Yes, you have to be the living embodiment of neutrality on stage.

Exactly. I have to be Switzerland.

Have you settled on an outfit for the evening? Have you got a glam squad and team of stylists hard at work?

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a world where people aren’t quite so interested in what I’m going to be wearing. Maybe when I had to reveal my “Doctor Who” outfit for the first time, that probably had a similar level of interest.'

[ignorant-rat-carcass]

Personal rant/vent incoming. Feel free to scroll past, I just needed somewhere to put this. Even if it’s just for future me to look back on.

Anyone else get itchy feet when they’ve been in a job for a while?

I’ve noticed a 4/5 year trend in my past jobs where (whether the job and/or company is good or bad) the role, and many (but not all of) the people just increasingly begin to grate on me and I start looking elsewhere.

I started feeling like this a few months ago and it dawned on me that I crossed the 4 year mark here late last year. Although this time it feels completely like entitled-self-sabotage-first-world-problems kinda shit which I’m annoying myself over.

My boss is lovely, generous and basically leaves me to my own devices. The job itself is cushy, I WFH since the pandemic so no commute for most of that time, and it’s better paid than any I’ve ever had. But - the subject matter I work with bores me to tears and I’m finding myself less and less motivated or even able to find any joy in the parts I used to manage to carve myself some creativity opportunities out of.

I’m aware I’m incredibly fortunate and luckier than many people so I really don’t want or mean to sound ungrateful or ignorant about my privilege. Not only to have a job to begin with, but to have one where my not only is my work valued but also my opinions.

However none of this seems to matter to my restless, relentless dumb-arse brain, which seems intent on destroying it for me by refusing to stay focused or remotely invested in what I’m doing. I mean look… I should be working right now and I’m writing this instead! 🤦‍♀️

It also probably doesn’t help that the longer I stay in jobs I’ve never really had any real invested interest in or passion about, and merely doing them because what I really want to do isn’t happening for me, the older I get the less willing I feel to ‘settle’.

So if anyone has any life experiences they feel like drawing on, or advice to give in finding meaning and joy in an otherwise joyless day-to-day existence, I am all ears!

[floral-poisons]

a small vent post about creating

if you come across this post, you can feel free to ignore it. but i kind of need to get this off my chest and i’m posting it on here because i truly believe that what i have to say has value. and maybe this will gain traction, maybe it won’t. who knows.

i haven’t gotten to my drafts in over a month. in truth, i am exhausted. it’s hard to write when your energy is low. but also, part of my disappearing motivation, which kind of disappeared within a snap, is because of how my posts just plummeted.

maybe it’s because the interest in twisted wonderland went away. things come and go in cycles after all. but either way, seeing my posts plummet in numbers suddenly made me not want to create anymore.

it’s really easy to say “create for yourself and the rewards will come.” but in my opinion, every single post i’ve seen about that (and that i have even reblogged) comes from a privileged standpoint.

creating fandom content is work, unpaid work, and often underappreciated and also heavily scrutinized. i was fortunate enough to have the energy to make content and share it to others and even more so to have people take interest in my work.

but it’s extremely disheartening to watch my posts plummet and essentially bomb. and to say “create for yourself and x will come” is privileged because it tells me that your voice has always mattered. it matters to the point where you are fortunate enough to have the patience to wait for the rewards to come.

for me, i’ve been told my voice hasn’t mattered for, essentially, all my life. since i was born. seeing my posts get interactions, seeing people like what i write, comment on it, proves to me my voice does matter. it’s solid, inevitable proof that people appreciate my hard work and a craft i am still attempting to perfect for myself.

the way my spirits just collapsed when i wrote my twst dorms hanfu series and seeing just the lack of interactions. it broke my heart in so many ways. i wanted to write something connected to my culture in a way that is appreciative, in a way that isn’t fetishized and viewed with a skewed lens of racism. the way those posts plummeted told me that my culture and therefore my being didn’t matter anymore. this fandom got its angst and fluff and general writings and left. it’s so easy to tell when readers are only interested in reading if it fits their whiteness.

(of course i can’t even begin to address the fact that my posts do much more poorly in comparison to posts that are tailored to fem! readers alone and the politics behind that)

to say “create for yourself (and only yourself) and the rewards will come” and that validation isn’t necessary just strikes me as so so privileged. some of us writers need, and like, validation because it brings a certain message. our voices matter, our stories matter.

on top of that, i pride myself on my personal beliefs. i grew up in fandom spaces tailored to white readers (specifically white girls/women). those spaces created very real insecurities in myself and only enhanced my self loathing as a person. i want to make stuff that doesn’t just stick to the usual formula. i purposely craft my language to be inclusive. no descriptions of skin tone or outright descriptions of blushing or hair textures or eye colors or height or body shape or anything. and yet my reward for being inclusive? posts that just don’t gain traction.

i don’t just want to create for myself. i want to create for other people to give them the fandom spaces and fics that i didn’t have, let them see themselves in fics that would normally exclude them. and yet, the work is so exhausting. and it feels like creating for myself isn’t enough because what my posts tell me is that my work doesn’t matter. my culture doesn’t matter. my existence and voice don’t matter.

i’m grateful for the followers i have amassed, for the people who interact with my posts regardless of what they are, for the people who appreciate the lengths i go to to create a space for everyone. i can’t write everything sadly. i wish i could. but people in those groups can and their voices deserve to be heard.

i don’t spend much time on here on purpose. i have schoolwork, applications, friends, a life outside of this. getting caught up online only leads to my already poor mental health to being poorer. i am just so busy and my interests also change quite a bit, causing my motivation to decrease in, say, twisted wonderland but increase when it comes to anything related to ghost (the metal band).

this is not supposed to be a post that’s a pity party. i don’t want pity nor comfort. this is also not a call out or anything. just a general observation i’ve personally noticed.

i just want people to listen and to consider the fact that saying things like “create for yourself and x will come” and “you don’t need validation” comes from places of privilege. those places told you your endeavors, personhood, voices, products matter.

be careful about your wording even if it’s meant to be appreciative and you had good intentions.

and algorithms, you fucking suck. probably because whoever coded you was all kinds of -ists and -phobics.

[adamgant]

How to recover from mom burnout

How to recover from mom burnout https://ift.tt/fKjw0AP Talking about mom burnout on the blog today. Hi friends! I hope you’re having a wonderful morning so far. I’m meeting with a friend for coffee and then working on a few things for Fit Team. If you haven’t joined us yet, you can sign up now and take advantage of the flash sale!! For today’s post, I wanted to talk a bit about mom burnout. While I’m in a positive space with motherhood, there have absolutely been times when I’ve felt overwhelmed and burned out. I wanted to dedicate this post to discussing mommy burnout, and share some of the things I’ve learned. Of course, I always love hearing your thoughts and perspectives, too. I also recognize that as a mom, I’m fortunate and privileged in many aspects of life and am grateful for all of them. There will always be those who have it better or worse than yourself; the best you can do is have gratitude for the blessings in your life, and compassion for those who are having a difficult time. What is mom burnout exactly? I think of it as a state of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion that most moms are likely to experience at one point in their lives. I’ve learned over time that various factors can contribute to mom burnout. It can happen when you have maxed out your capacity to care for others, and it can also come from the invisible emotional and mental load mothers need to carry. Peer pressure, unrealistic expectations, and social media can also contribute to feelings of burnout, and I think it’s SO important for moms to fill their own cups first. Mom burnout should not be taken lightly. If not addressed appropriately, mom burnout can lead to even more serious health issues. If you feel like you are suffering, please reach out and get the help you deserve. Please keep in mind that I’m NOT a professional on this matter, just a mom who can relate to other moms experiencing burnout, sharing my story and things I’ve learned. You can absolutely love your kids like crazy and still experience mom burnout. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good mom; you just need a little extra TLC. How to recover from mom burnout Taking breaks and taking time to recharge This can be so hard to do, especially if you have a tiny newborn. Use any opportunity you have to take a break and recharge, even if it’s for a short nap, a hot shower, or 10 minutes to blankly stare at the wall. Talk it out When you feel overwhelmed, whether you’re dealing with parenting exhaustion or life stuff, it can be so helpful to talk it out. It can be with a trusted friend, partner, family members, or a professional. The good news is that, often just speaking your frustrations can feel like a load has been lifted. Also, when you say things out loud, it’s easier to develop an action plan or objectively see the situation without so many emotions attached to it. Prioritizing self care This can be a tricky one, especially when you’re so devoted to caring for others, but I’m a big believer that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Making self-care a regular part of your routine is a great way to alleviate stress. Keep in mind, it doesn’t have to be *all the things*; it could be one thing that you look forward to each week or each day. Some self-care ideas include attending your favorite weekly yoga class, a phone call with a friend, a hike or walk outside, reading a book, or soaking in a bubble bath. Focus on the bare essentials When you feel burned out, try to delete the unnecessary tasks from your routine. This might be something like having an impeccably clean house and crossing off all of the items on your to-do list. Keeping other humans alive, happy, and fed is a huge task, and, along with taking care of yourself, should be enough to give you a sense of accomplishment. You should feel proud of yourself without feeling like you need to do more.

[ucor3400]

Week Six: Blog Post #3

One thing I would like to be seen for is how hard I have worked to get to where I am today. I pay for college myself, so I took a gap year and worked full-time as a bartender to save up enough money to attend Seattle University this year. I am first generation, so I also had to learn how to go through the whole college process (applying, FAFSA, etc.) without much assistance. I traveled here from Minnesota, so I left my family, friends, job, and everything familiar behind. I feel the struggles I go through are often invisible. Most of my friends here at SU do not go through the same struggles I do. I find that, because this is an expensive private school, many people are getting financial assistance from their families and have no clue how difficult it can be for those of us who are not. As much as I love my friends here, it can be frustrating when they do not see or understand the struggles I go through. Many of them work part-time jobs in the summer for extra spending money, whereas I will likely be working two almost full-time jobs this summer just to support myself. I do acknowledge that I am still very fortunate and privileged to be able to attend this university, and there are many people much worse off than myself. I am grateful to be able to attend here and pursue a healthcare career (Diagnostic Ultrasound). I'll be the first in my family to attend a four-year college, the first to have an education rooted in challenging STEM (and humanities) courses, and the first to be in the medical field.

[henija]

I did everything.

Have you ever thought about your age and everything you have accomplished by that certain age? I have. And those thoughts leave me feeling like a looser and failure. Let me explain. I am a few years before turning 30, and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. Yes I have worked in a few jobs for some time, but these jobs were not at all fulfilling me as a person, and not to even mention the salary - it was ridiculous for todays standards. Life is not about money, but let's not kid ourselves - having more money than the average person is a privilege and, in a way, freedom. It has been 3 years since I left my last job, and to be honest I feel miserable. Yes, I applied for other jobs, yes I studied different courses. But it led me to nowhere. All this time I have been in this "freelancer" limbo I can't seem to get out. And photography, the thing I fell in love within these years, also doesn't bring me the fortune and fulfillment I seek. We moved to other country and emotionally and mentally it has been difficult. I am looking for a job here, but only thing I get in return is a NO. For now, hopefully. So, where am I going with all this nonsense? I have no job, no kids, I don't own a place. And because of that I feel like a failure. But nevertheless I am truly grateful for my husband who supports me and really helps me in this tough battle with me and mine inner demons. I am hopeful that this will pas. And I will get that fulfillment I so desperately seek.

[kultracatalogue]

Your thoughts and writing are so concise and clear that you really do have a grasp on what you feel and believe is right for you. I feel like passion should make you feel so excited and burst through the seams! I think that it should be in a way be urged to be expressed externally and show how infatuated you are with what you're passionate with. I don't think it should ever be kept within but instead flourish and boasted about happily.

We really are so fortunate are we? I am grateful for everything we both have, to be born able-bodied, educated and informed and to not worry about what our lives may or may not exist in the next moment. I think those are such lovely things to have but I also believe it's a human flaw to not appreciate the necessity for life. We often don't show a huge magnitude of gratitude that we live such a blissful life. I think we get so caught up with the endless possibilities and comparisons we have we become blind to how lucky we are. We are lucky to be born. Lucky to live in a place of safety. Lucky to live and love freely. We are so lucky to have the ability to pursue our passions freely.

I believe passions are selfish and irrational, although I think that way we view those terms coincide with passion differs. When I mean selfish I mean unaltered, true to yourself. You want to do it because--you want to do it. It may have a by-product of helping others by living true to yourself and your desires but I believe the expression of passion would be selfish wouldn't it? Wouldn't it be selfish to neglect other things to pursue something that benefits your feeling of being fulfilled? Yes, you can live a simple and safe life--there's nothing wrong with that! but how often are we seen to do something that can hurt us because we love to do it? A boxer fights and fights because he loves the sports, isn't it selfish to neglect his body for his desires? Knowing the future consequences of his current mindset? I believe actions like this could be called irrational! A climber climbs up great heights to fulfill a desire to seek what's above but couldn't you say it's irrational that they're doing so? considering all the safety in it? I don't think that it's wrong to be selfish. I think it's human to desire something even though it may hurt you.

I think you're right passion in intertwined with purpose. We're always searching for our ideals and trying to reach our "potential" as people. I also don't think it's possible for it to be an externally curated feeling. It's a person's outlook and perspective that creates the sentiment and worth of their purpose. I think good deeds create the feeling of purpose. To feel whole would be doing something that made you feel so ! obvious right---I wish. If only it could be done so easily. I think passion also derives from a passage of experiences. I for some reason believe it could also be created by a journey of emotions, trauma, success, pride, and what not.

I feel like there is an absolute truth to humanity having a purpose. It's through finding a way to have a life worth living that gives it purpose. I respect your perspectives and views on our time on earth and our passage of eternal, current and prior life but I don't have the same view on it as you do. Which is okay! I feel like saying 80 years is minuscule in our eternal lives invalidates all of your experiences, love and actions you would complete. I feel like it's such a gift to be able to live. I don't wish to take that for granted. Who ever it maybe that created us, allowed us to be conscious and alive I think it would be wrong for us to discredit them allowing us the privileged to live and love! by saying it wont compare to our eternal life. I feel like this is something you should cherish and appreciate and live to your fullest because all you know is that right now. right now-- this is all you truly know. You don't know at this moment what things will be like in the future or billions of years ago. You just know that right now, you're alive. You have so much things to live for and be grateful for. If there is such a thing of eternal life I would always look back at this time with fondness to be able to go through such a passage of ideologies, perspective and lives. This is at least speaking through that we have such a fortunate and good life. I cannot say the same for others who are not as privileged as we are. And I also think that conflicts with the idea of purpose in life as a human being. I don't wish to discredit this life I've made and the people I've met and create connections with. I think wouldn't one of the greatest lessons through this experience be able to share it with others? That's something I wonder about. I feel like for a long time I thought isolation would be best but it never truly made me ever feel better. Being able to share a loving smile and loving laughter and happiness with others bring so much worth and sentiment to life. There's got to a be a reason why be grieve when we can't experience that with the same person again right? I feel like that should at least be one of our purposes in life. To share and laugh and love a lot! Have such lovely relationships with your friends, family and significant other. Be able to laugh and enjoy being silly and stupid and idiotic and make it feel as if nothing else matters at that moment! wouldn't that be passion then? Sharing and being overjoyed with love?

I'm really glad through you I've gained a lot more interest and insight into islam. I am so grateful that you send me videos or quotes or verses about islam because even though we are broken up I am always curious about you as well. I guess through us breaking up, I was able to see another side of you that I never was able to when we were together. And that's okay. There's nothing that could've been done about that! I do want to read the Quran soon and I most likely will get a copy of the translated version that you are reading.

Thank you for praying for my guidance and I hope you are finding yours as well. I hope you find comfort, contentment, peace and love. Whether it be through internal or external reasons! I wish you find something that's innately yours. I hope you make that cake you talked about! I'm glad you're doing good. I hope you find everything you're looking for and are content with everything it brings. You matter to me a lot as well. I don't think that'll ever change anytime soon.

[meschon]

This is Meiong speaking. Help!!!!! I’m still being spammed by Boboiboy to wish him a happy birthday. Honestly, it’s quite hard to accept the fact if I have a brother as weird as him. I didn’t prepare anything yet to wish him a happy birthday, and I also don’t have much money to give him a special gift. So, I will leave a small note in his room, and I hope he won’t crying when he reads it. (because my little note is so sweet teehee) ;3

Hanzo is one of the people I’ve known for quite a long time. He is kind and always treats everyone around him with kindness. He isn’t very adept at expressing his feelings towards someone, which is why I’m grateful to be one of the people he trusts. To me, Hanzo is also a very special person. He’s like a sibling to me here, a real one, and I feel comfortable sharing everything with him. I hope our sibling relationship will always remain this way. I’ve never really expressed my gratitude to him in a better way, but let me do it today. I’ll say that I’m truly fortunate to have met you, Kak Hanzo. It’s a privilege for me to feel someone staying by my side no matter what happens. So, will you stay here with me a bit longer, Kak?

I think gifting my brother myself was the right decision. I’m a sweet and cute little sister. He should be able to handle a cute cat like me in any situation. Am I not a (very) good lil sister? (you can only answer yes!!)

Congrats you got the chance to take good care of me for the rest of your life. ^-^

[lamentschaft]

Are we on the same level?

A better yet unexpected Friday, on 15th September 2023

The same hour as yesterday’s, at my usual table…

Here I suddenly remember what sort of calms me down a bit as a human living in this immortal world. It then changes me as who I am now that still sometimes feel rather ungrateful for what has happened to me or what I have been destined to. At first, quite on and off, I was questioning myself not really with great intense through a number of whys and whys. It then confused me eventually that why I turned to be someone like that? My heart and soul are totally against it all. They know it’s not the right way I should live my life with.

Unlike other people I met and probably will meet, I feel myself very unlucky though not thoroughly as a man. While they were fully filled with good fortune, money, prestige and special treatment or I’d love to call it as a lucky privilege, I was the opposite. I had to experience being ‘different’ in a way how God creates my life. I didn’t have the experience like what they did in the past. I had to firmly yet sadly face the fact that my whole life is not like theirs. That’s absolutely only about myself, and it excludes my parents, siblings and family entirely. It’s just me who’s often times very silly to act.

As a grown-up, I begin to understand slowly and learn to accept that life is always fair to all of us. God specifically has planned the right one for me, you, and of course them, my super nice friends and colleagues. I can see now why I was just given this ‘privilege’ that I used to see as ‘personal disadvantage’. In fact, throughout my life, I am always paired with anyone who gets what I expected to have on the same level. Isn’t it such a pearl deep down in the sea? I am just too naïve to admit that I’m as special as they are no matter what. My destination and theirs are basically the same; however, our roads are just different. Mine is so distinct that not many people can smoothly pass it through like I probably did. This road is just going to what I need to be and not what I want to be. That’s the most important thing I should’ve realized long and long time ago.

It's just so remarkable that I am successfully over it now. I did it. As a matter of fact, the success is not the moment when you finally gain so much money, reach higher position in a job or people’s perspective, or even live in luxury. It’s actually when you just awake and open your eyes widely with bigger smile you’ve ever had that you realize everything. You realize that you should be way more grateful and thankful for those who have raised you up until now than ever! Really, without them, you could be still stuck in a middle of nowhere, with no proper life or blessing.

Today, I really want to thank to what inspires me, so I am able finally to write down this really longing personal lament. In particular, my not-really-me ability in writing is at last unearthed, and it makes me feel a bit prouder now, at least.

Thank you, ND, wherever you are.

[scentedchildnacho]

Uhm I don't appreciate being used for being a mercury in Scorpio......but after that severe of battery last night then sleep deprivation I can't reserve my emotions and told people how I felt.....I wasn't too bad to them and avoided swearing....I tried to just leave my body and not find life the better choice but it didn't work.....

The batterers were really infective and if in private screaming I was saying some possessed metallic voiced things but if around people fortunately

My comments remained therapeutic

I was like yea be around me privileged jogger and have nothing to do with me that's okay

I was like yea jogger get your vain narcissists leisure time in...be sure nobody sees you ever once be kind or do anything for anybody

Then this black chick tried to smile at me so I was like especially thanks to you for being the new face of state establishmentarianism yea get your cash and little rules yea thanks for just leaving me on the beach to get raped and killed yea black State yea creepy African

Yea unionism I don't think the union army was a state though The Islamic State wants you to kill of id law ignorance and extremely small thinking

Then some guy came out of a restaurant on the beach so I was like yea good job keep that bathroom locked up while using public resources for your clients yea cause extreme pain in urination yea cut off people's sensitivity to their lower extremities yea

Well that's how I feel....they only care about bad vag amputations so they don't have to be ass

I don't like clean or locked bathrooms the homosexual constant groups of guys sports is too threatening and I can't wait till they heroin and glutton them again and they sit around freely off cess pools

Then to people down at the water I was like yea.....thanks for not showing up till this morning thanks for turning yourselves into ultimate selfish narcissists and leaving me to die all night.....then finally showing up on your selfish rude disgusting irresponsible worthless workless time yea save yourself and leave me to die cause white crime to yourself yea

I am grateful I could have a psychiatrist obsessed with my behaviour but now there is lots of behaviour disgusting ness

They are all kind of nasty concrete asses......so now I don't have to be an obsession

I really really hate commute patterns in San Diego so if it couldn't stop wishing me just put down on vaccines and tranqs I really hope it all gets put down mostly

There so scary like riding their skateboards right at me it's relieving it finally breaks it's ass on the pavement for expecting my ass broke for it's job fees

William....I'm so scared of how German klan clean freak athlete of an area it is I don't care if they steal a black man to put his hyper active psychopaths down on their opiate

I would maybe help steal a negro if they could put the things down and force a low commute area

It's so terribly painful around the car freaks I have a psychopathy problem if their not yet called heroin freaks

Anyway that long haired blond guy at the library I found out is really on vain plan so he has femmes that have to hate themselves and keep him on smokes all the time...that's relieving he just came at me in the library to walk too near me so I like when his vain femmes Jack ass him around on second hand smoke

This I said to his femme thank you for just sitting there doing nothing and smoking in it's face

No I don't want a sedative those club me to death beaters on the beach would have kept hitting me if I didn't get up

Well I wouldn't take psych drugs and just go die so the Russian violence gets worse and worse and worse

I found out from my peak class that homeless people are a ward quantity so I do like own my disaggregate granular data like my weekly shower allowance etc

So I guess it's difficult to find a tower and pump out all my ground water if populations aren't forced in a vicinity and quickly extracted from

I have a micro amount poor Russians could live off so put in....tried to batter me with golf clubs to quickly extract

Muslim nations to Christians to force sharing instead of wealth it never cures disease

Well when you want to cure disease you can't tell people how long to wash their hands

And all the jerks that job to live better then the public they use refused to ever pump water continually through public pipes they want people to mostly use so it just looks like a reek bomb on an enemy

Muslims have weird scary stories and hallucinative beliefs and just sit there blocking people up and refusing to let people have enough in life to ever truly feel their heart start just fair Arizona and Pakistanis

If you won't pray enough you will be a tree

[heyitsjooooanne]

To everyone who is fortunate enough to have a loving, and SAFE father/father figure in their life, Happy Father's Day to you. For others, it's not so easy. I am a young woman who is automatically wary of men. I mean, I'm wary of everyone because of my social anxiety, but with men, it's higher up the scale. But it makes sense with how I grew up. 

Think about it.

A shy, anxious young girl grows up around an adult male who made her feel unsafe because of his own mental health issues and propensity to violence (his first instinct was to grab a belt, or manipulate/threaten to get his way), and then when she gets to school, she feels like she has to "earn" the right to talk to a boy by being “pretty” even though the boys aren't all that attractive themselves.

On top of all that, she has to either stay single her whole life, or risk being subconsciously attracted to a toxic guy who is secretly like that male relative, and not realizing the truth until it's too late. Alternatively, she could be aware of what NOT to look for in a guy, and like a guy who seems kind, genuine, and secure, only to realize that he has no empathy for her and assumes she must've done something wrong if she doesn't talk to that male relative. So he's a covert toxic guy. And then she'll have to endure "BUT HE'S YOUR [RELATIVE]!" and a bunch of other stupid invalidations. Even worse, he’ll convince her to interact with that unsafe relative all in the name of “family.” Childhood sexual abuse growing up? Hit you with his belt to discipline you? Called you “worthless” and “fat”? Threatened to leave so he could find a better family because he didn’t like how you were acting? 

Meh, it’s in the past, and they’re still your relative. 

So in her mind, it's better to be single than to take the risk over and over again.

(Note: I didn’t go through c.s.a. growing up, but I wanted to show how toxic it is to force someone to interact with a person who makes them feel unsafe overall.)

People love to blame the child when they act out, or the now traumatized adult who doesn't trust anyone.

But the blame never falls on the parents/caregivers.

"You don't talk to your [relative/relatives]? Wow, red flag. So toxic."

vs.

"You don't talk to your [relative/relatives]? What happened? Oh... I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve to grow up like that."

It's an awful situation to be in because we didn't ask for it.

No one ever asks to be born.

And even if we did, I'm sure a lot of us would pick secure and loving caregivers over unsafe ones who control, manipulate, and threaten violence when we're young and powerless.

It's incredibly naive to think everyone should thank their parents for giving them life, regardless of whether or not that child lives with those same biological parents. So you're gonna tell that poor foster kid who's bounced around from home to home (and abused in some of them) that they should be grateful to be alive even though they're lost and alone? What about the kid who comes home everyday to alcoholic and violent parents, and has no choice but to be the "adult" and raise not only their younger siblings, but get a job when they're old enough to support their family because their parents won't act like responsible adults? Should that child be happy for existing only to be miserable?

Thankfully, I never had to deal with either of those situations growing up, but it drives me up the wall when people say this because it reeks of privilege and a lack of empathy. You might as well say "I grew up in a loving and secure home. Why didn't you?"

Yes, it's obviously the child's fault that they grew up in a toxic environment. It's not like they had no choice and were literally a child fighting for SURVIVAL, LOVE, AND APPROVAL!!!!

(gif from “Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus”)

If you think everyone should be grateful to be alive, I urge you to please take your privileged head out of the sand, and look up stories of child abuse. And not just physical, but emotional as well. There's also this thing called "Dissociative Identity Disorder" which is what happens when the child's brain perceives the trauma as so severe, it has to fragment into several personalities to deal with it. No, I don't have D.I.D., I just know that it exists.

Anyway, I still have to deal with that male relative today, but I grey rock him.

Funnily enough, the more I stand up for myself, the more he tries to silence me. That obviously says more about him than it does about me though.

Of course, I still have a lot of areas I need to work on. I get frustrated easily, I have no patience for nonsense from other people, etc.

But I guess fleas are the price you pay for growing up around unsafe people.

xx

[bingtrovert]

azil/ nazin and the past two years of my life.

Hi. I’ve thought a lot about whether what I’m about to say lessens the illusion I’m working hard to maintain. Whether this goes against the strict rules I've set for myself when it comes to what I communicate.

Therefore, this will most likely be a one time thing. My work has inadvertently become about this and thus it feels important to share.

Everything I have made from May 2021 til October 2022, including these two tracks, was during my Dad’s ferocious battle with stage 4 cancer. I feel so guilty for even making this about how that shattering experience has changed my life, when he was the one who had to suffer so tremendously for ultimately nothing. Yet despite that, I have had the endless and immense fortune of learning so much from his boundless wisdom and intelligence, whilst also having the blessing of inheriting many of his characteristics.

He told me that we were cut from the same cloth. I realise now the privilege that is. And whilst that fabric has become torn and battered, the remaining threads that bind us will never tear. It has been six months already. Fuck. It feel likes forever. 

Sometimes it feels like he never even existed. The most important man in my life.. was he ever even there? I can't tell. I've found the scariest thought right now to be that eventually, as many years pass, by way of life I will think of him less and less. It will just become a fact of my life. That keeps me up at night, knowing that he will always be back then, and I will continue to get further away from that point.

There is so much I want to say, make known, scream out of the deep-seated anger and resentment that floods the shores of my heart. Screech into the faces of even my closest friends, who will never understand. Although I hope that remains so. They don’t deserve to go through something like this. Yet still, I want people to know every detail of his constant pain, feel every second of our unrelenting fear, think every thought of our trembling minds.

But then I stop and think. Why would I do that when I can speak out of what is so much stronger than any of that: my love for him. 

For you then, Dad. Bing, Bingfinity, The Shards. This is where I’ll continue to find you. You are the nutrients with which I will grow this vast environment and I will not rest until it blooms and flourishes. Your being will be etched into the very core of this wonderful yet unforgiving place. It will echo across the eternal vistas and valleys, pulse through the tangled roots and wayward rivers, glow as the ancient hymns and psalms are sung by the dwellers pilgriming to the Asphalt ruins. 

If you made it this far, cheers. I gathered you weren't expecting such a sombre tone. That is my life, however. And I've found the process of creating to be immensely helpful, not so much in dealing with my own pain, but in allowing me to hone in on how I feel.

I'm quite reticent naturally, so doing this via the big bad web most definitely feels coy. My dad was the one I would go to. He was the one that understood me, like no one else. I realise how truly fortunate I was to have such a relationship. But even so, being grateful for what you had doesn't change the pain of knowing what you lost.

If you can tell, grief feels like the mind of a drunken man stumbling home, unsure both of where he is and what is going on. He feels dizzy, lost, confused. Oh and he's got the shits (that was a joke).

Thank you for supporting me so far, whoever you may be. I am but a humble farmer growing small crops on this big land so it means more than you could ever know. I promise you there is a lot coming. The next harvest is on the horizon. The next few months is when it begins.

Not much makes sense anymore, however I will not stop until this dream is realised.

So long as the fervent sun chases the gibbous moon, my love for you will never leave. I miss you unspeakable amounts. I always will. Goodbye. 

All my proceeds from this release will be donated to Bowel Cancer UK.

As the wise Angus Delaney once said: I believe in a universe that doesn't care and people who do.