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[lamentschaft]

A moment to contemplate.

A rather special Sunday, 17th September 2023, 1.49 pm

Wait, before we begin, happy birthday, wife! Stay beloved…

Hi. This time I won’t talk about laments. I just would like to review what my family and I had extremely meticulously discussed in a brief yesterday while strolling around and getting some lunch outside. In a mall, to be precise. Shortly, as soon as I finished ordering the food, I very surprisingly got a chat from someone who is presumably more than just a friend. She has been one of the most respectable women I’ve ever known that could be more than just our own relatives. She’s just a college friend, but she is a true inspiration for me and my wife. Apart from what she’s been going through, she’s always done her best to raise her two children as best as she can. Like really! Sometimes, I was thinking that I wouldn’t have ever thought of living my life like hers quite successfully like she did. But, yeah, she made it way up to now and will progress for so many years later ahead. She’s just amazing, truly.

Speaking of the chat, she reminded me of what she’d said back then in June or July. I kind of forget it as it’s been long already. But, she told me that she’s going to AMERICA like TONIGHT! I mean, what? Yes, she’s saying it right. She told me that because maybe going to the USA is obviously everyone’s dream, including mine. And the moment I read that, it seems to all the way shiver up and down my spine. I suddenly thought that this is such an unbelievable truth and fact about people’s lives! in fact, she’s currently teaching at a school somewhere in South Tangerang and living in a modest life, but she’s just chosen by God to go way beyond every single human’s ever imagination. It’s so far away from here, and it’s just for those who are literally super rich. But she can jump over those complicated and long hurdles. What a real blessing!

After an around ten-minute video call or so, I took a moment to recall what I did to my life as I could step and stand on this heavenly island, as what most of them call, Bali. I mean, we indeed will never and ever find out how someone can reach their peak of life and when they’ll eventually touch that point with their grip. It’s just hard and spectacularly difficult to identify that ‘our moment’.

As a new dad with two kids for nearly two years now, I try to go deeper into how I am just like today and become someone people around me perceive. How I’m supposed to do to be someone I’m supposed to be tomorrow and so on. Especially, when I’m looking at my children, I’m thinking what I should do to make their lives be in God’s most beautiful plan ever. They live in prosperity yet modesty, hopefully and optimistically. Then, they can always stick to what they’re asked to live as a human, and how they’re always prevented from lives we never want them to have. I mean, in the end, it’s not all about us; nevertheless, it’s all about how we are ‘requesting’ a good life to God kindly; so that He permits and offers us all to live normally, happily and healthily according to His no-doubt perfect plan and protection. That’s all I hope. Once again, the kinder we’re to others, the easier it is for us to be offered that perfect life from Him, both in His world and later heaven.

At last, have a safe journey, Bue. Everything you’ve done to your parents, family and children has been paid off! You deserve to be happy as He always wants you to. Thank you for sharing this magnificent story of yours, in particular to me and wife. We’re so happy for you and your sister’s family. All is well. Just can’t wait to hear your extraordinary experiences there in the USA! See you on the Christmas Eve!

[lamentschaft]

Are we on the same level?

A better yet unexpected Friday, on 15th September 2023

The same hour as yesterday’s, at my usual table…

Here I suddenly remember what sort of calms me down a bit as a human living in this immortal world. It then changes me as who I am now that still sometimes feel rather ungrateful for what has happened to me or what I have been destined to. At first, quite on and off, I was questioning myself not really with great intense through a number of whys and whys. It then confused me eventually that why I turned to be someone like that? My heart and soul are totally against it all. They know it’s not the right way I should live my life with.

Unlike other people I met and probably will meet, I feel myself very unlucky though not thoroughly as a man. While they were fully filled with good fortune, money, prestige and special treatment or I’d love to call it as a lucky privilege, I was the opposite. I had to experience being ‘different’ in a way how God creates my life. I didn’t have the experience like what they did in the past. I had to firmly yet sadly face the fact that my whole life is not like theirs. That’s absolutely only about myself, and it excludes my parents, siblings and family entirely. It’s just me who’s often times very silly to act.

As a grown-up, I begin to understand slowly and learn to accept that life is always fair to all of us. God specifically has planned the right one for me, you, and of course them, my super nice friends and colleagues. I can see now why I was just given this ‘privilege’ that I used to see as ‘personal disadvantage’. In fact, throughout my life, I am always paired with anyone who gets what I expected to have on the same level. Isn’t it such a pearl deep down in the sea? I am just too naïve to admit that I’m as special as they are no matter what. My destination and theirs are basically the same; however, our roads are just different. Mine is so distinct that not many people can smoothly pass it through like I probably did. This road is just going to what I need to be and not what I want to be. That’s the most important thing I should’ve realized long and long time ago.

It's just so remarkable that I am successfully over it now. I did it. As a matter of fact, the success is not the moment when you finally gain so much money, reach higher position in a job or people’s perspective, or even live in luxury. It’s actually when you just awake and open your eyes widely with bigger smile you’ve ever had that you realize everything. You realize that you should be way more grateful and thankful for those who have raised you up until now than ever! Really, without them, you could be still stuck in a middle of nowhere, with no proper life or blessing.

Today, I really want to thank to what inspires me, so I am able finally to write down this really longing personal lament. In particular, my not-really-me ability in writing is at last unearthed, and it makes me feel a bit prouder now, at least.

Thank you, ND, wherever you are.

[lamentschaft]

Welcome to my piece.

Silent Thursday, on 14th September 2023

A quarter to two in the afternoon, just finished my lunch and fresh drinking water…

It’s not going to be big or something, however, it’s just what I am feeling like to say or express through this simple note. I just thought that I could break out something to be little pieces that are easy to pick and put into such a perfect puzzle to enjoy. I am imagining how my dream could come true in the end though no matter when it will be. Right now, I’m still making my best effort to put it the right way, so I can come and reach my simplest yet grandest satisfaction in my entire life.

For someone who’s never bored talking about dreams, I seem to have some kind of responsibility to let it grow and maintain it to keep growing. Especially, when it is importantly needed to splash out in my mind. By the way, I actually have what people normally call an ambition, only if I am randomly influenced by a video or music that stimulates my biggest and deepest core in a dark yet bright hollow somewhere inside my soul. Just hard to elaborate that feeling, but I know and I really do know that I have it, single and beautiful essence. God knows it very well, indeed.

The challenge is that, I am still all over my place to make it into reality. Probably because it’s too far to reach and I’m just unable to grab it well. What I’m doing right now, or even since long time ago, is that collecting those pieces, while crying inside, to step up slowly like being lost in the woods or something. Sometimes, I just don’t know what I’m doing and am always afraid of getting even further away from what I’m supposed to head on. Honestly speaking, I need some help. I need it to make me feel more optimistic and believe that I can reach it eventually somewhere whatever it takes. Sooner than ever, I have to realize that it’s not that easy. It requires more and more effort and God’s absolute wish or we can say ‘luck’ to ease everything like a perfect plan. Nope, it’s not a piece of cake at all, still.

Like everybody but me knows, writing can cause an emotion that takes me to where I’m wishing to be on and on within this imagination. And it’s getting stronger and stronger like it’s bound to blow out or something under my skins. I can feel the tension through my hands and fingers. Tension to move and go away to my dreaming worlds I’ve been having since a very young age. Again, this lament allows me to sense deeply, I wouldn’t say’, an impossible hope.

Now, let me end it right here. Just got nothing to say no more. Just see you when I get this feeling again, sometime randomly later.

Farewell.