#like i empathize with you and i might give you insight into your child MAYBE but other than that... where is MY support

[barnbridges]

twofers and autism moms on the venn diagram should be like, 80% overlapping and 20% out, but it's so rare to see anyone with actual autism or awareness of that it's a fucking disability hang around the mommy circles it disappoints me endlessly.

[chaotic-autumn]

feeling absolutely feral about the moment Stede finally realizes he's in love with Ed, get ready for some Thoughts

i've mentioned before how much i love the reading of Stede's character as autistic (and just generally how neurodivergent coded he and ed are) and I think interpreting his character this way makes the payoff of this Epiphany moment even more powerful. (might make a separate post on rom com plot points in ofmd sometime because i am unhinged about that too)

And it's SO important to me that this moment isn't played for laughs, because I am so sick of "neurodivergent-coded people Not Understanding Stuff" being a punchline. It's NOT written like "oh haha you dummy, DUH it was so obvious" (i mean maybe it is a little but in an affectionate way), we have compelling narrative evidence to justify why Stede doesn't understand that he's falling in love (and that Ed loves him back). And that makes it so so beautiful and affecting when he finally gets it.

An important coping mechanism for ppl with social anxiety/who struggle with social interaction is to really analyze the logic and intention behind social customs/things people say/etc. And it can be such a big EUREKA! moment when you do figure out the subtext/purpose of an interaction. Like for me realizing that the goal of small talk isn't to learn how the other person feels about the weather, it's a way of saying "i am acknowledging your personhood by acknowledging that you have feelings about the weather, that this experience, though trivial, is shared" made small talk SO much more bearable for me. (i mean sometimes it's still excruciating but at least now i get that it's not Pointless)

ANYWAY, we see Stede doing this in Episode 5 when he's explaining aristocratic social life to Ed:

"...and dining is pageantry." (sorry for the mediocre screen grabs)

And we see that even though he understands it, he doesn't feel comfortable with it or fit into it naturally, and he empathizes with Ed's struggle to learn the unspoken language of high society. (eg. "That's diabolical"/"It is") In fact Stede's whole storyline in this episode is basically about how much he empathizes with Ed's experience of trying to fit in with the "upper crust", and finally being able to turn the tables on the people who were mean to Ed, the way he couldn't as a child when people were mean to him.

But there's a limit to the helpfulness of this! Because ultimately emotions aren't always rational, and it can be really hard to interpret/accept your own feelings. Especially when you can't refer to an existing experience of times you felt/dealt with similar feelings. And that is frustrating and can be painful, and that pain can lead to avoidance/redirecting that pain.

(personal example but like: I spent so much time as a teenager getting so mad at myself for how IRRATIONAL all my hurt feelings and intrusive thoughts were, and that just contributed to the negative self image spiral. And it felt like this endless and unbearable cycle so I just constantly tried to distract myself with schoolwork/tv/etc)

We see Stede having this reaction a little in Episode 2 with Nigel's "ghost" (ie. a representation/manifestation of his guilt and self-doubt):

And then the elder hits the nail right on the head right here:

Stede feels guilty about Nigel's death, but Mainly (like fundamentally to his character arc in this season) he feels guilty about leaving Mary and his kids. But that guilt hurts too much, he doesn't want to think about that AT ALL, so he thinks about Nigel instead.

Now obviously he hasn't met Ed yet at this point, but this gives us as an audience important insight into how he deals with intense or frightening feelings (by avoiding them). This episode is also a crucial part of establishing the depth of Stede's self-doubt, which contributes to him not seeing that Ed is falling in love with him. I think that is linked to Stede not recognizing his own feelings for Ed, because overall he's just blind to the possibility that love is what is happening on either side of the equation.

And ESPECIALLY in the context of the queer experience it can be even harder to interpret your feelings in the love and relationships department because there's less language to explain it & fewer examples of it to help you conceptualize that "it's love" is even a possibility. Stede has never loved anyone romantically before, so he has no point of reference for what it feels like. Presumably, until becoming a pirate he hasn't seen examples of queer romance, so he has no script for what that looks like to refer to either. Basically, until the "what does it feel like to be in love" scene, Stede has no context to help him understand ANYTHING he has gone through emotionally since meeting Ed.

It's also significant that Mary is the one who describes love to Stede. Not only because of the closure the scene brings to the narrative by absolving Stede's guilt over leaving her, but because her relationship with Doug is hetero. It's permissible, it's familiar, it's instantly recognizable. She never says "I'm in love with Doug", Stede just knows. When she describes what love feels like, she's describing the internal experience of something that Stede has witnessed throughout his life but never been able to empathize with. And in that moment it clicks for him -- he DOES empathize with what Mary is saying. That is EXACTLY how he feels about Ed. (Because despite stereotypes, it's not like people on the spectrum are incapable of empathy, it's just that it can be harder to achieve because it's harder to interpret/extrapolate other people's emotions)

All of a sudden everything just makes sense. He's seen love but never known what it felt like, he's felt love but not recognized it. But hearing Mary describe it finally helps him put those two things together. He is in love with Ed. All those things people do for love in books that he could never quite understand? He gets it now, he can see himself doing those things because he is in love with Ed. The excitement and fear and confusion and intensity that has overwhelmed him these past weeks? That was LOVE. FOR ED. mother. fucking. EUREKA!

and and and AND in a meta sense, the epiphany Stede has kind of mirrors the audience's reaction to the scene. All those little moments he's flashing back to? Those were signs. That he was falling in love with Ed. Of course that's what they were, because we KNOW what romantic love looks like. We know how writers and directors and actors depict it on screen. and it is (or at least can be) no different between two men than it would be between a man and a woman.

This moment even more than the kiss to me was vindication for all the queerbaiting I believed could be queer representation. for johnlock and destiel and everything else. I wasn't crazy for thinking this line or that moment could be meant to signal romantic love. Queer romance that is just as layered and angsty and joyful and central to the plot as straight romance can exist on TV. Queer stories that aren't just about the characters' queerness but don't ignore it either CAN get made. We will put neurodivergent, queer people of color on TV.

And that's how this show increased my faith in humanity and revived my passion for my chosen career. Thank u for coming to my ted talk.

TLDR; Stede couldn't recognize what love looked or felt like until Mary spelled it out for him, and the way the writing links this inextricably to the trauma of growing up queer and neurodivergent in an unaccepting world makes me want to cry

a disclaimer for all my autistic stede posts: i am not autistic, i am a very Social Anxiety & Depression ADHDer. if you are autistic pls lmk your thoughts and/or if something i've said is insensitive or just Not Right

[yourwitchmama]

Full Moon on Samhain, October 31st: The Hunter’s Blue Moon With Horoscopes

For the first time since World War II, people in all parts of the world will be able to see the Oct. 31 display. Samhain's full moon will be a blue moon. What is a blue moon? A blue moon occurs when there are two full moons in one month. We are halfway between the autumn equinox and the winter solstice, a turning point in the season when we prepare for the cool months and shorter days. This is also a point in time where we turn our focus inward. How are we doing in our relationships? How do we feel about ourselves? What do we have to learn from our shadow self? This full moon falls under the sign of Taurus. Since the sign Taurus is powerfully rooted to the earth, this will be an ideal time to preform earth magick. Take this time to reflect on the magick and mystery of nature. This moon, though in Taurus, will inevitably shake things up in your life where things have been stagnant. Below, I am going to touch on the influences of this blue moon on each sign. Remember that it is important to know other signs in your chart, because it does affect your main sign.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

You may feel as if you want more attention or prosperity for the work or energy you have been putting out into the world. You may feel like you are fading behind the scenes, or maybe you aren’t getting close to desired achievements. This moon will reveal why you are feeling this way, and will bring you the boost of creativity you need in your life to move forward in what you are wanting to do. Meditate this Samhain, have a bonfire if you can, and add herbs and incense to set the mood. You aren’t alone, there are many spirits, for this is the most spiritual time of the year. If you are looking into spellwork, doing a spell on boosting creativity and insight on how you can get things done is going to be highly effective on this full moon.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

There are two polar ways you will be feeling during this full moon. You may feel overly excited and you may want to go all out with the decorations and costumes. Do it! This full moon is activating your inner child, so don’t feel weird if you have an urge to trick or treat or watch a kids movie. If people give you weird looks, so what! You want free candy! In turn, you could be feeling bleak or depressed, stuck on your past and how you were robbed of your childhood. Don’t let any of this get you down. Inner child work is going to be very beneficial this Samhain. You will easily see into your past, and if you don’t have clear memories, feelings will guide you through your inner chid work. Nurture yourself like a child, but don’t coddle yourself. You are allowed to feel however you want, but like all things, in moderation.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you have been feeling stuck lately, look forward to a burst of inspiration and motivation. It might come out of nowhere, but you will feel ready to take on a new project or feel motivated to get things done that have been sitting for a while. You may feel inspired by those around you, or spirits could be putting subconscious information into your head that will inspire you. This is a highly spiritual time for you, and you will benefit from doing manifestation spells during this full moon. Remember to not take too many things on at once, and little steps are what you need to take to get where you want to be. Use this motivation to make a vision board.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You might feel like you are financially tight this year, which is understandable. Know that you are worth much more than you think you are, and you can get a job that you might not think you can get. If you couldn’t get fun decoration or a costume, don’t be upset! Samhain isn’t all about superficiality, it is about connecting to the other side while the veil is thin. Write down what you should be spending your money on vs. what you should not be spending your money on. Focus on what you can do to really save money, even if it is a few cents, it adds up. Consult your ancestors on what to do about money. You could use a ouija board (please use the proper precautions when doing this) or tarot cards to do this if you do not have the ability to talk directly. This is also a good time to cast money spells.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You are going to feel much more energized than normal, but don’t let this scare you! You aren’t manic, you are extremely excited and ready to take the day, no, year on. This energy will be intense since this full moon is in Taurus, but it will not be a bad intense. Choose wisely where to put your energy. This is also a good time to examine the rules you set for yourself, and try to see if there is anything you need to change. Try to step out of your comfort zone, and realize that you are capable of much more than you think you are capable of. This is going to be a good time to think about all of the things you are capable of doing, so write down ideas for yourself and focus on each idea, exploring the possibilities that are available to you in this life. Charging crystals or any magical items will be highly effective for you on this full moon. Hold whatever you want to put energy into, and tell it what you want it to do. Let your items soak up the full moons rays all night.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You have been wanting to explore your creativity more and open your mind to something new. This full moon is a perfect opportunity for you to get lost in your thoughts, take a magical bath, and curl up with an interesting book. You may want to watch horror movies or halloween movies from when you were a kid. This will bring a lot of inspiration and energy that you can harness for your creative journey. Any blocks you will be having will clear with this Samhain blue moon. You will be able to come up with new ideas and break out of your box to explore new creative things that you can thrive in. Crystal magick is going to be the best way to harness this creativity. Use crystals such as lapis lazuli, jasper, blue lace agate, herkimer diamonds, and tigers eye to help boost your creativity. You will also get signs from spirits as to what you can do, so look out for any symbolism or repeating numbers this Samhain. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are feeling upset that this Samhain isn’t going to be a normal one, but that isn’t stopping you from indulging in the Samhain spirit. You may feel lonely or like something isn’t right, and that can lead to depression. Call some friends and talk about your hopes and dreams together, and delve into spirits and ghost stories as well. The goal of this Samhain Reflect on your ancestors and their accomplishments, and how they may affect your DNA. You are a collective being of all of your ancestors, so look at what runs in your blood. Know that you are not alone, and your ancestors and other beings are around you in spirit. You can talk to them, though you may feel crazy talking out loud to the air, they can hear you. You may receive signs that they are there, like something falling off a shelf or a knock on the wall.

You should focus on divination, talking to your ancestors through candle scrying, ouija boards, and pendulums.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

This year has made you restless and ready to get things done. This full moon is going to amplify those feelings, so you may feel frustrated that things aren’t going back to normal. Luckily, the stars are aligned for positive change, so making a move now is going to land you in the right place. Try to get some of that pent up frustration and energy out by carving pumpkins, making a vision board, deep cleaning your house of any residual energy hiding in the dust, and anything else active you can think of. If you play an instrument or sing, do that to your heart's content. This Samhain, focus on your higher self and try to take advice from it. If you get tired from all of your physical activities, sit down with a good book or watch a movie that brings nostalgia and motivation. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You may feel like your world is upside down, and you don’t know what to do with it. You could be feeling depressed that this Samhain isn’t going to be normal, but know that you are not alone, spirits are all around you. Try to connect with them to get rid of that loneliness. Try scrying, ouija boards, and pendulums to connect with those beings around you, you will feel less lonely. You also might feel that this year has been against you, and you are stuck in a rut. This full moon will give you inspiration and motivation, getting you out of this rut with new solutions to old problems. Journal and try to figure out what you need to do to get out of this rut. You can try automatic writing to see what spirits are trying to tell you to help you as well.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your highly empathic feelings have been hurting you this year, and you might feel sorrow from the deaths, fires, riots, corruption, and disease. Your highly sensitive heart needs a break, and this Samhain, you will get it. You may feel more empathic than usual, but focusing on what you can do to help yourself is going to be important. Go for a walk under the moon, take a long bath, watch some movies, and indulge in good food. You will learn how to feel for others without it harming you, bringing you motivation to help the world by donating, praying, and getting active in your community if you can. It is important to cleanse and cord cut this Samhain, focusing on taking negative energy out of your space and inviting healing energies in. Cut yourself off from negative people and thoughts with cord cutting. It will also be helpful if you place bowls of salt water around your space (don’t do this if you have animals or a way to get animals out of the space you are putting the bowls in) to soak up the negative energy. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You are fully immersed in the autumn spirit, embracing your birth month to the fullest, and revving up for a full on Samhain. It won’t be like other Samhains, but you don’t care. You are going to make the most out of this holiday, and it will bring you satisfaction and coziness like no other time of year. Watch nostalgic movies and embrace the colder weather. Drink some hot cider (you could add a little spiced rum if you are about that life) or smoke a little thc (if you are about that life). If you haven’t set the mood yet, what are you waiting for? Go get a cheap tiny gourd if you are out of money, and try to carve it. ANY squash will do, so don’t feel upset that pumpkins might not be in the cards because of the price tag. Have some pumpkin soup, pumpkin pie, candy, any kind of food that will get you into the fall mood. If you don’t have fall room spray, boil some sticks of cinnamon in hot cider, the smell is heavenly. Spiritually, focus on your shadow self, and try to communicate with the spirits around you. Make sure to use black crystals for protection.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You are feeling EXTRA spiritual this Samhain. You may not even feel like yourself, but that is normal to experience on the most spiritual day of the year. You are more psychic than usual, so divination is going to be highly accurate and easier to perform at this time. Give out free tarot readings, read friends who don’t know what tarot is, chant, drum, sing, and get fully immersed into the spiritual side of this Samhain. You might feel to magickal to participate in more materialistic things, so make this Samhain your own. There is no right way to celebrate. Let the spirits guide you in your actions, and maybe do some rituals if the inspiration strikes. 

Get a psychic reading here

[makeste]

Newest theory of the day. Shigaraki after finding out he can't steal OFA from Deku tries to dust him, the decay spreads across his arm and to keep Deku alive because his specific order from Endeavor was to protect him~ Bakugo severs his arm with an AP shot, because some of us are still on about Deku losing an arm in this arc. Then we can get from mentoring from Miruko, you know bunny themes, using your legs, and now how to be a hero with prosthetics.

anon I disagree with basically all of this, but I just want to be clear that it’s in a totally respectful “that’s just not how I see things going/where I’d prefer the story to go” way, and it’s more just a matter of my personal preferences than anything else! like, I’m about to break down every specific thing I disagree with, but I hope it doesn’t come off in an attacking way. I kind of feel like I’ve been shooting down pretty much every theory people have thrown at me lately, and I don’t mean to be a buzzkill about it or anything. but since you did send me an ask about it I’m assuming it’s all right to give my opinion. lol I’m probably overthinking this. anyways.

1. so first, I personally don’t think Deku is going to lose his arm, at least not in this arc. I just can’t see any kind of purpose for it. particularly since Deku has already injured his arm very badly in the past and has already gone through the associated angst, and had an arc of learning how to fight without it (for the most part) and learning to fight with his legs instead. I just don’t see this bringing anything really new to the table. and Mirko and Hawks already have the “working to recover from/adapt to disabling injuries” thing covered between the two of them, I think. I also am not a believer in the foreshadowing power of popularity poll covers, at least to the extent of using them as a basis for theories. I know this last part is an unpopular opinion lol.

that all being said, I do think he might lose the arm maybe towards the end of the series, but if it happens it would be from overuse of OFA. and it’s still not something I actually think should happen or think we need to see; Deku is someone who’s already struggled in the past with being differently abled from his peers due to being quirkless, so I’d rather see a different character go through this arc if it does happen. and I’ll also add that I’d be more interested in seeing Ectoplasm mentoring a student in regards to the prosthetic thing; no disrespect to Mirko, but he’s been dealing with it for a lot longer, and would probably have more insight to share.

2. Katsuki saving Deku at some point on the other hand has been foreshadowed, but if he does it won’t JUST be because he was ordered to watch his back. I don’t know if you were necessarily implying this; probably it was just the wording, but regardless, I wanted to throw that out there.

3. you’ve probably figured out my opinion on this already lol but I do think we’re more than likely heading for quirkless Bakugou.

4. Bakugou hasn’t experienced a so-called trauma in a long time, and also I think fandom has a tendency to exaggerate the number of traumas he actually has (and here we get into another unpopular opinion, but hey). canon!Bakugou is a very different beast from fanon!Bakugou, and I think there’s a tendency to conflate the two. canon!Bakugou, from what we’ve seen, does not have any lingering trauma from the sludge monster attack, being chained up at the sports festival, or even from being kidnapped (aside from the “blaming himself for All Might’s end” part of it). canon!Bakugou’s confirmed sources of angst are 1) him feeling guilty over All Might, 2) him feeling pressure to prove to the world that he’s not a villain, 3) and him not wanting to ever lose to Deku. that’s basically it. I know fandom likes to throw all sorts of other stuff in there (PTSD, child abuse, his quirk being toxic to him; you name it), but he’s really not like that in the canon at all.

he definitely has been through a lot, don’t get me wrong. and also I should add that just because I don’t think these things are canon doesn’t mean I’m not interested in exploring them in headcanons or fanfic. on the contrary, I have a fanfic rec list consisting almost entirely of Bakuangst for a reason lol. but the suggestion (not necessarily made by you, but other people have brought this up) that he shouldn’t lose his quirk because it’s “yet more Bakugou angst” or whatever is just something I don’t agree with for a lot of reasons.

here’s a spontaneous list which nobody asked for of all of the other characters who have experienced trauma since the last time Bakugou last went through anything of note.

Aizawa - had his childhood trauma revealed to the audience in a Vigilantes flashback, and subsequently went through the angst of realizing his dead friend had been brought back to life and brainwashed into becoming a villain. also recently watched a man die saving his life.

Present Mic - same as Aizawa minus the “someone died for him recently” stuff. also has to carry Ujiko around everywhere right now which I sure would find traumatizing.

All Might - had his “you are going to die horribly” prophecy revealed. watched his former sidekick die and was helpless to do anything. struggled with the guilt of having not reconnected with him sooner. grappled with trying to figure out how he can help people now that he no longer has OFA.

Ochako - struggled with survivor’s guilt over not being able to save Nighteye.

Kirishima - had his past revealed in a flashback and was shown to have depression and self-worth issues. struggled with those same issues during the Basement arc and was also horrifically injured. most recent response to being asked whether he was okay afterwards was “I’m getting there/working on it.”

Shouto - watched his dad come within an inch of being murdered on live television. is still struggling with reconciling his very complicated feelings about his father and his past actions vs the man he is trying to become now.

Tokoyami - saved his mentor’s life at great risk to his own; was nearly burnt alive; was told that he shouldn’t save Hawks because he killed someone (my poor baby bird is going to have a lot to work through after this arc).

Kaminari - had to overcome his fear of fighting on the front lines in a very real and potentially deadly battle.

Iida - yoinked part of his own leg out to get stronger wtf.

Mirio - lost his quirk; watched his mentor die.

Tamaki - was and is still grappling with severe anxiety. was nearly killed during the basement arc. dealt with boyfriend losing his quirk.

Endeavor - had his goal finally realized in the most hollow, meaningless way possible. realized he’d basically acted like a complete monster in regards to his family for the past two decades. came to terms with the fact that nothing he can do now will ever make up for it (although he is still doing his best to make amends and atone however he can). nearly lost an eye and had his face scarred pretty badly. also has a dead son who secretly isn’t dead so that’s fun.

Mirko - lost an arm and a leg and came within an inch of death and Endeavor had to cauterize her wounds on the spot.

Hawks - ahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Deku - learned about the All Might death prophecy. grappled with feeling like he wasn’t worthy enough to inherit OFA. dealt with the angst of not being able to save Eri sooner. watched Nighteye die. had a secret fight with a villain while worrying about the school finding out and also feeling conflicted the whole time because he empathized with said villain a lot. had his quirk suddenly flare out of control during an exercise and nearly killed everyone around him and subsequently learned that he’s getting a bunch of new quirks and has to learn how to control them all. was informed that all of the past users of OFA have died young. and last but not least, has now learned that Shigaraki Tomura is specifically targeting him and his quirk.

anyways that’s not even complete because I skipped a ton of other characters, but you get the idea. basically the “Kacchan has already had a lot of trauma” argument falls flat to me as a reason why he shouldn’t have anything else happen to him. if anything, looking at everything that’s happened to him recently in comparison to the other characters makes me wonder if he’s not overdue. Kamino was almost two hundred chapters ago. Ground Beta was a hundred and sixty chapters. there has not being anything else since. this is one of the reasons why I want there to finally be something else. I don’t get this idea that we’re done with him now or whatever. not that I’m being all “yes!!! more tragedy for Kacchan!!!”, but this is a story, and characters grow in stories by facing and overcoming obstacles. so let’s give him a new obstacle already. (and I do mean a new one, which is another reason why I’m not sold on the “has to blast off Deku’s arm” angst; him feeling guilty and blaming himself for something that wasn’t his fault is the exact kind of angst we’ve already explored with him, and which we don’t necessarily need to rehash just with minor adjustments.)

Deku has already struggled with his own physical limitations. Kacchan never has. he’s been frustrated with the pace of his growth, sure, but that was more or less just comparing-myself-to-Deku angst disguised as thinking-I’m-weak angst. which is something he’s still doing even now, by the way. he was literally doing it a couple of chapters ago. Ground Beta didn’t fix it; it gave him something new to work towards, yes, and a new perspective regarding his relationship with Deku being something he could use to grow stronger. but it never actually addressed the root of the angst to begin with, which is him only seeing himself as worthy if he’s above Deku. it never addressed the issue of him being so fearful of being “weak” to begin with. he’s so determined to prove that he’s not, because even now he’s still secretly afraid that he is. and this is something I very strongly believe that he needs to confront, one way or the other.

but anyway, this turned into yet another “reasons why I think Bakugou should lose his quirk” meta, which I didn’t intend it to, so I apologize. this pretty much veered way off track so I should probably wrap it up. again, I apologize if any of this comes off as needlessly blunt, as that’s not the intent. and we’re all reading the story in slightly different ways, and we all have different things we want to see explored, and I’m sure as heck not going to say someone else’s view on this isn’t valid! this is just my own personal take. but we’ll see what happens, and I’m going to be wholeheartedly along for the ride pretty much no matter how this turns out.

[marsandchariot]

Mars and the Tower in Gemini

(image from The Hermetic Tarot)

Because Mars, like Saturn, is a malefic (as opposed to the benefic planets of Jupiter and Venus), we might consider the onset of its influence in Gemini (beginning on March 3rd) through qualities of challenge or disruption, with factors of positive growth or change becoming more accessible or recognizable as the transit continues.

We might recognize Mars in the impulses we wish later we hadn’t acted on, despite feeling a surge of emotion at the time that told us what we were about to express was true or right. Mars’s Tarot equivalent, the Tower, speaks to radical, difficult, or painful change, change that can feel like a destructive force if we are unwilling to work with it. The image of the Tower doesn’t necessarily describe change itself, but our fearful attitude towards it, or the way we experience it as a kind of utter loss. We might feel tempted to place blame somewhere in the face of jolting or difficult experiences. Whether or not we saw it coming or even knowingly took steps to aggravate its progress, change in accordance with the Tower feels like a loss of control, a traumatic dislocation or dissociation of the self. This may describe many different forms of becoming un-stuck, or falling out of joint. Lynn Bell has described Mars as where we have impact; maybe it can also describe where we feel impact, and how we react to it.

If you’re looking at the card from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, the Tower looks pretty precarious to begin with--old, most likely already long in the process of deterioration, i.e. in need of some renovation. Tragic or scary as it may look, the destructive change underway in the image of the Tower can lead to positive change, or changes necessary to building the next phase of stability.

(image from the Smith-Waite Borderless Edition)

With Mars leaving Taurus and entering Gemini, we might bring a bit more of a spark or apply a radical angle to the things we do and the way we work in order to frame our contributions as offerings to others. With Mars in Gemini, it’s a great time to be a novice, to surprise yourself. In Gemini terms, the Tower might describe the productive instability incurred by new and even contradictory ideas. It might refer to necessary alterations to the ivory tower of elite intellectualism, inviting us to imagine how we might rebuild the tower, or if we’d rebuild academic and “high” cultural spaces as a kind of tower at all. Instead of rebuilding, we may benefit from observing the rubble for a while.

A tower looms over all, claiming an ability to see all, know all, consider all. How can we divert our active, propulsive, Martian energy to experience movement in multiple directions? How can multidirectionality (or intersectionality) serve as a baseline for cultivating focused and empathic understanding of multiple perspectives?

It might be helpful to think of Mars in Gemini setting up for the planet’s entrance into Cancer by late April. If Gemini operates in the technology of ideas, and Cancer builds from the material of emotion, what is it that feels important to launch into the air, even briefly, so that when it falls downward, or when you no longer see it anymore, you can trust that it has sunk itself into a structure of deep feeling?

The twins are non-hierarchical. They are not, for example, a parent and a child, a performer and an audience member, nor a teacher and a student; they are two entities that share a secret, or are embarking together on a journey into a mysterious place. They are not competing with one another; they prefer one another’s company above all else. They speak in a shared language that they didn’t mean to invent; coded descriptions simply emerge between them, and help them to identify what’s hidden and invisible in the surrounding world. In short, they share for the joy of sharing, because they know that collaboration is how knowledge takes shape.

For the following considerations of Mars in Gemini, we will look at the topics of the houses as impacted by this Mars transit, drawing also upon Mars's Tarot equivalent of the Tower. With Mars cutting its way through the twins, it is worth it to ask: what is separating or crumbling? What is coming together, or fusing, via the alchemical power of lighting and fire? Where Mars splits something open, when lightning strikes the Tower (so similar in appearance to the word “I”), what is it that comes out? Susan Harding describes “apertures in the ordinary” as disruptions that provide opportunities to speak. In other words, when something ruptures, it provides an opportunity to tell a generative story, which, as M+C, is at the heart of what we hope to offer.

(image from Small Spells Tarot)

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 1ST HOUSE

You may be doubting yourself in terms of intellectual abilities. This has little to do with how you yourself experience your internal world, where thoughts are quick, agile, and interesting, leading you to investigate unfamiliar fields or topic areas. But you may feel a stagnancy when it comes to expression. Understand that that stagnancy or feeling of being unable to communicate your knowledge is not a deficiency but an unfair pressure you put on yourself to usefully demonstrate or disseminate your knowledge in legible or impressive ways.

Instead of attempting to share everything with the most people, individuate what you’ve learned; consider who in your social world would be most interested in what you have to say. If what you want is to connect, you can; you just might have to be more mindful and do so on a 1:1 basis, tailoring what you share to each individual based on who they are, not how interesting you personally find the information.

In this case, the jolt of Mars, the bolt of lightning, is a gift you give to others. In your own experience, when lightning strikes the tower, it probably thrills you. Consider the difference between concentrated electricity versus electricity in the atmosphere. What are the situations where you’re creating static versus the ones where you’re being clear? Are you more interested in a heightened, invisible tension or a single, visible impact? For these next few weeks, be mindful of the results you want, and be careful about your aim. You have the power to communicate more than your own intelligence.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 2ND HOUSE

You may be experiencing an anxiety over what you can claim as your own. The force of Mars might make you feel separated from your usual topics of interest. You may be worried that your focus or interests are mimetic of others’, or of something that already exists; you may be feeling defeated by an inability to see your work or your insights as “original.” This may cause you to want to tear down or blow up this work you have been constructing. But what if instead you gave your work the permission and the time and space to develop its own mouth, its own projection of speech? Allow your work to breathe and fully realize the thing it wants to be--existing beyond, or outside of, the compulsion to compare. When we call something derivative, we are reaffirming capitalist mythologies of material fetishism, intellectual ownership, and a lack of alternatives except the one dominant mode experience.

Gemini in the 2nd house is about entering communities by sharing a response to what is already there, not by pressuring oneself to generate a new topic; by adding layers of connection rather than a shock of distinction or separation. Instead of possessing a field, or an atmosphere, or an audience, Gemini in 2nd, by practicing self-possession and being honest about how one perceives or experiences something, exudes their own alluring atmosphere, which comes from a direct translation of how they think about things. You may not experience your own aura as striking, but your honest transmission of your experience, more with the excitement of a phone conversation than the gravity of prophecy, imparts to others an originality of relation that arises from the sense that you learn about topics by becoming friends with them, by earning their trust. When ideas or things we learn about are our friends, they don’t just reveal information, but they can provide us with actual advice. We don’t need our ideas to be strikingly original; we need to build relationships with them, so that, as in any relationship, we can experience the gift of their difference and transformation over time.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 3RD HOUSE

Busy bee. A lot may have been added to your plate, or a change in schedule has left you in a pinch in terms of getting everything done. Don’t try to do it all, but don’t think of yourself as “dropping” something in order to make room. Figure out, instead, what you can put aside, or approach in a partial or modified way until you can resume the energy to address it again. Instead of seeing your fatigue as a failure to meet demands, try and incorporate this Mars transit as an indication that you are entering a new phase of juggling multiple expectations and routines. Mars is not pointing to a weakness or depletion, but of a need to make room in the existing order.

When we look at the Tower we might think of the Tower of Babel, a symbol of the human desire to encounter God. Seeking to maintain his omnipotence and singularity, God punished the Babylonians by destroying the tower and separating the people via language, preventing their coordination in the future. The story attributes a lack of universal and mutual understanding between people to punitive divine will.

What is it that we expect from the divine? We may call it many things--God, or luck or circumstance--but when we assign an entity the role of determining situations outside of our control, it can in some cases prevent us from locating aspects of those situations within ourselves. When we feel stalled or punished by some force (whether seen or unseen), it’s important to take the time to ask ourselves what we are working toward and why, and what, as a reflection of the answers, might need restructuring, or what might not need to be built at all.

If we feel the approach of a breaking point, we’d do much better to focus our energy on bending. Work with your parameters in a way that honors the element of air and the m.o. of the twins--change directions, and delegate. What trajectory are you on that no one is insisting you remain on, except yourself? What are you trying to sort through on your own that you could talk through with someone else? It’s not a character flaw to change your approach to your schedule so that you are allowing yourself, at least once a day, to prioritize your own restoration.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 4TH HOUSE

You could be feeling some discomfort in your home life, whether that’s reaching a point of tension or conflict with a roommate, or having conversations with family members that seem to go nowhere. Instead of a burst of movement or change, Mars might have introduced a sudden awareness of the stale areas of your life. Mars in the 4th house is asking us to reconsider our routines, especially the aspects of them we practice unconsciously. Some of our habits are so deeply held that we may not understand they can be changed. We may replicate traditions of our childhood--ones that aren’t necessarily negative, but ones that simply no longer serve our happiness. We may set arbitrary rules about what we should eat, or when we should do things, like watch TV, read, or do nothing. We may be so desperate to be physically and psychologically healthy during a time defined by illness that we have become our own nagging, overbearing parent, exacerbating our own boredom and self-resentment.

Let Mars kick those real or imagined eyes of surveillance out of your head. If you have a Tarot deck, we recommend you look at the Tower card and let it act as a representation for the mental exercise of clearing your mind (or you could even use the images of the Tower included in this post). You might meditate on the image and close your eyes; imagine yourself sending a bolt of lightning into that point in your psyche where you envision these controlling voices live and tell them to get lost. You deserve to be liberated from their control.

4th house Geminis: you can live however you want. No one is watching you. You don’t need to coordinate with anyone. You don’t need to wait and see what others are doing. You don’t even need to plan ahead. Try acting first and apologizing later; don’t resent the lack of clarity or permission as a way to prevent yourself from being a bit more spontaneous within your own sphere of experience.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 5TH HOUSE

Hit send! Submit your work, your proposals, your effusive text messages. Find opportunities to pursue, even if it’s just entering a raffle, or bidding on something in an auction. Whatever you’ve been working on, or whatever desire you’ve been half-nursing, get it out there, or begin shaping it so you can let go of at least this iteration of it. Provisional conclusions are your friend right now. Trust that you can say what you need to say in this moment, with the resources and feelings available to you. Even a prayer is something that you give over to an invisible network or channel outside of your immediate control, and in this way the idea of sending something into the world is also an exercise of letting something go, a leap or an act of faith.

Even though the fall from the Tower feels like a self-destructive risk, it’s likely that it feels liberating too--in both material and immaterial ways. If you’ve been working hard, it’s time to open the windows, take the lid off. Otherwise you run the risk of the work and your worry shutting you in and shutting you off. Don’t let your energies solidify into rock.

Eventually outside forces and voices will intercede or interject. One of the Tower’s Kabbalistic meanings is related to the mouth; it’s time to speak and/or let some outside nourishment influence or add to your ideas and projects. The energy of the relinquishing act is its own reward in that it teaches us a way of relating to what we love that is generous, creative, and inwardly lightening and restorative. Whatever it is, get it off your chest, or send it on its way.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 6TH HOUSE

You may be encountering a challenge that involves the navigation of a complex system; the transit here very much speaks to tax season, or the challenge of paperwork. It could be about wills, property, and other kinds of titles. It could be about getting yourself organized so you can see all the resources that are available to you. It could be that there are archives that need to be put into order so that you can actually use all the information you’ve collected. There is a pattern in your life--materially or psychologically--that is waiting to be discovered. Follow the feeling of Mars for the next two months. What are you drawn to? What are you repelled by? These signals are telling you what’s available in your extrasensory repertoire. They’re telling you what kinds of behaviors, thoughts, or other inclinations are no longer serving you, or what you’re undergoing for the sake of the space these things take up in your life. You may even be worried that without these behaviors or interactions in your life, you will be more bored, or you worry you will miss them when they’re gone. Divert your path. You can find things more worthy of your energy and attention; Gemini in 6th can always adapt to changes to the network.

In the Smith-Waite deck, the figures falling from the Tower are surrounded by Yods, a Hebrew letter that also symbolizes a dot of energy, a spark of fire and life. These marks appear throughout the Tarot, especially in the S-W deck, as points or moments of generative potential. While changing things up (even just thinking about it) might generate feelings of anxiety, at the same time movements of change create new energy. You don’t need to balance your life between what you hate and what you love, or what you fear and what you want. Follow your “nose” (your heart? Some other Martian organ?) toward objects, people, and mindsets that linger with you in a way that is both challenging and pleasurable. Do not mistake resentment for challenge, and do not mistake fear as something you have to bury. Feel for the sensation of something that lingers like a question, or an itch--what generates electricity in your body or the surrounding air. Clear space around that feeling so you can examine it; look for Yods. Chances are what you are unlocking is a key or a clue to the challenge of establishing a new, creatively generative system, one through which you can communicate to yourself and others with a surprising or refreshing clarity. Don’t get frustrated with yourself; enjoy the challenge of the game.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 7TH HOUSE

This might be you right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mxyz1UwHGFA

In looking at the Heaven’s Gate birth chart, Mars in Gemini in the 7th house seemed to speak very directly to the way couples were required to separate in order to exist within the community. In the HBO documentary, one of the men was sharing a kind of deep sorrow that he experienced when separating from his partner of many years, and the urge he felt to propose that they leave Heaven’s Gate so that they could be together (he did not end up saying this to her). Mars in the 7th isn’t just about the separation of the romantic pair bond, but the challenges of all aspects of intimacy, the way we struggle with ourselves to express things to another person, and the way we struggle to hear what they have to say to us. It can also be the desire that draws us to others in a way we can’t explain. With Mars transiting your 7th house, make sure to be present for the way you are experiencing your intimate, perhaps emotionally difficult relationships. Do you feel like you are able to get distance from your feelings, or do they overwhelm you? Do you feel the need to argue on behalf of your feelings, or, in conflict, can you sit with the unfairness of your perspective as it may feel unrecognized or unacknowledged?

Instead of the desire to use conversation or argument as an outlet or a primary outward expression of difficult emotions, try to bring the difficulty of conflict into a different or less immediate context than with the person who your emotions immediately relate to or concern. Talk to someone else. This might be about “airing out” the feelings of conflict rather than directing them towards a purpose or outcome.

(image from the Tabula Mundi deck)

In Kabbalistic thought, the Tower represents the mouth; and, speech, like the top of the tower, or the crucible, might be the opening that attracts the destructive activation of the lightning bolt. You may feel tempted to spout fire, especially in the direction of a loved one, but, before you do so, try to take a moment to consider the effects this will have on your immediate relationship or environment. Is the scene depicted in this card the kind of results or energy you want to foster? If you are seeking change, is this what you want it to look like? Here it might be more useful to look at the Thoth deck. To do so, we have included a picture of MM Meleen’s version of Crowley’s Tower. In the heat of chaos, the source of discontent matters less than the approach to recovery. How can you divert the force of your words--while remaining true to your feeling--in the heat of the exchange? Can you find a way to examine the feeling without making it a part of a contract or negotiation? When you are ready to share for the sake of sharing--not for the sake of achieving a certain outcome--it may be that the other person has an easier time hearing what you have to say, and you won’t feel the value of your expression wrapped up purely in the way that they react to what you express.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 8TH HOUSE

Go deep. This is a great time to lean into a divinatory practice, particularly Tarot, which helps you to focus your feeling into language and recontextualizes your language into imagistic forms, the descriptions of which provide answers. Use creative dialogue--prompts where you have to ask yourself questions and answer them. Book an appointment with a reader of some kind, or set an intention with a therapist that helps you to excavate a point of uncertainty or difficulty that you are having a hard time working out on your own. Mercury, domiciled in Gemini, delivers messages between the underworld and the surface world. Gemini in 8th is about bringing the depths to light, not necessarily so they can be shared, but so they can be meaningfully integrated in the way you understand and experience yourself. With Mars transiting the 8th, it may be that something has sent you downward, or inward, in an unexpected way. It could have been a trigger, something that in a straightforward way feels unrelated to trauma but nevertheless has made that trauma feel very present. Try not to see being in this place or mindset as if it’s a setback, but rather a challenge to your abilities of mental resourcefulness; feel around in the dark for the tools available to you, and celebrate that you are not with nothing.

You might take out the Tower card from your own deck of Tarot cards or use the ones provided in this post and meditate/converse with the images there. What kind of immediate thoughts or physical reactions do you have toward the card? If, at first glance, all you can perceive are negative messages, what if you tried connecting these to changes or next phases that you would consider positive? You might even choose one of the figures (again, here, referring to the Smith-Waite deck) and imagine that you are them, falling through darkness and fire. If you knew that in the end you would be physically okay, how might you use this inward, metaphorical “fall” as a potential space for personal revelations and transformation? Or, if a visualization of the fall is too much, imagine the figures once they have finally reached the ground: disoriented, lost as to where to go or what to do next. Try not to focus on climbing out of the darkness, but rather find ways to set up camp for a while, and to let your eyes adjust to what is there. And always remember that the card that follows the Tower is the Star.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 9TH HOUSE

You may experience the onset of this transit as a kind of rebelliousness or a “storming the palace” energy. Use it. Argue with your superiors on behalf of those you love and admire. Say what you need to say in order to make space for productive exchange, not only to critique. Be mindful of shots fired. Be honest but not cruel. If you are responsible for young people, as in an educational field, teach them strategies to experience anger, and to honor it as a useful tool for advocacy. Be the lightning bolt in the Tower card: assertive yet precise. Remember that the things you say--even one thing--carry the potential for cataclysmic effect. Use your own anger to advocate for others rather than focusing energy on harming those you might have positioned as antagonists, otherwise you risk becoming the antagonizer yourself. Remind people in power that their confusion is their own challenge and not your responsibility. In some cases this might mean stepping back and letting some of those that you care for “fall from the Tower,” knowing that this can be a loving act, even as it operates as a necessary learning opportunity. Remember that often we are protecting some people from the ignorance of others.

If you are thinking of ways to disrupt a structure you exist within while being aware of the ways in which it is harmful, think about ways you might attract lightning, or ways to welcome powerful transformative force. Like Walter de Maria’s lightning field, which “is intended to be experienced over an extended period of time” and “does not depend upon the occurrence of lightning,” you may find your inclinations better served by setting the scene for change to occur, rather than ushering in that change yourself. Laying the groundwork, or discussing widely and clearly the necessity to do so, remains a valuable contribution to the process of overall change.

We don’t need to rectify privileged ignorance; we only need to provide reminders that the ignorance of a few should not have the power to delimit the experiences of many. Take space by giving reminders that that space exists, whether the powerful acknowledge it or not.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 10TH HOUSE

Facilitate a meeting of the minds. You are probably the hub for several different social groups, and it is likely that you can think of people in these different areas of your life that would benefit from knowing one another. Think of a selection of your social world that would most benefit from a convergence of some kind, and make it happen. You don’t have to feel a responsibility to host, per se, and it may not even be the case that a large group (or email chain) makes sense, but for this transit you might want to think about connecting people who you think ought to be in touch with one another. It may be your job or your public role in some way to do this for others already, but with Mars coming through, it may be a productive challenge to think about conducting this role of connection by considering different topics of connection than you normally would. Like the flash of lightning that disrupts the stability of the Tower, subsequently creating a space for necessary change and dynamic thinking, how might you also shake things up in your communities that need it?

The resulting fire in the Tower is not simply disruptive; it is fabulously alchemical. It may be that you facilitate a connection between people who could enter into a kind of productive conflict, rather than a conventionally harmonious situation. Whatever you decide to do, it could potentially bring greater excitement into others’ lives if you consider the ways in which the people you introduce to one another are very different, rather than very much the same.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 11TH HOUSE

You may have taken on more than you actually wanted to in terms of zoom groups or other meetup type things to pass the time in this past year. You may have said yes to so many things out of the idea that too much is better than not enough, but now you don’t have as much time for yourself as you would like. You also may have figured initially that joining different kinds of arts or leisure communities could be a way to unwind, but you ended up taking on more responsibility in these situations than you initially anticipated--again, out of the idea that it would be interesting, provide more opportunities, be inherently rewarding. Mars may be asking you either to cut ties with certain community obligations or just to change your habits related to the amount of community responsibility you feel energetically capable of or interested in taking on. Don’t feel bad about “abandoning ship,” like the figures in the Tower card. Anticipate your exhaustion. Anticipate your boredom. Listen to your intuition telling you it’s time to step back--it might be trying to save you from a lightning strike or a burn-out. Before you say yes to any new roles or zoom meetings, think about what it is you’re actually willing to do, and be willing to admit what it is you want to get back. Are there times when you want to experience a more passive role in your chosen communities, where someone else is directing or organizing? Maybe ensure that if you continue participating in multiple community settings, there are instances in which you are not in a primary leadership position. A sense of being taken care of, at times, can be the pleasure of existing within a group. Remember that this kind of pleasure helps to strengthen your bond to other members of your community, and in some ways the cultivation of this bond is more useful than an assumption of leadership.

MARS TRANSITING GEMINI IN THE 12TH HOUSE

For some reason you rarely forgive, permit, or celebrate in yourself the same qualities you recognize as valuable or forgivable in others. You are very well-versed in the value of disruptions, of flaws, of setbacks; you even know how to counsel others through the difficulties of grief or loss in order to bring them back in touch with the generative potential they themselves possess. For whatever reason, however, you are hesitant to accept this kind of forgiveness or gentleness from yourself; you may delay asking others for help, or putting yourself into a position to receive the advice that you know others can give. The 12th house, renownedly difficult, seems to assert that you must recover alone, that convalescence and strength of will are related and if you cannot endure something privately then you will not successfully survive it. But what you are thinking of as the burden of your pain placed onto others is actually the generosity of vulnerability; by sharing your predicament with others, you are honoring your connection with those others by expressing that you believe they have the ability to know you, to love you, and to help you. It may be hard to believe that others experience your admission of suffering as an affirmation of intimacy. You may be quicker to defend your feelings than you are to express them, perpetuating a cycle based on boundaries and obscurity rather than openness and transparency. It won’t always guarantee solving the problem in your favor, but before you punish yourself--or others--for the feeling you have, remember that you are the only one who can access what that feeling is. Mars is poking a hole in the fortress, and inviting that feeling to escape.

It may be that, as in the Tower card, you have been living in an upper room, mentally speaking, where no one can reach you. This room is not related to status or confidence, but simply the way you see yourself, or what you know about yourself to be true, fixed, constant. This vantage might keep you safe from the contradictions in your thinking, which is a way of keeping you safe from others’ judgments. But when we talk about a fall, it’s not so much about falling in the esteem of others, but about not being able to rely on the stability of your feelings and thoughts. What bothers you most is not the fall, but the activity of rebuilding the safety of structures you previously assumed would last.

More so than most, you may feel a sense of vulnerability or discomfort in the way you experience your own contradictions. Gemini in 12th might describe the way we protect or preserve our own self-conception; you believe that if this (the Tower, the structure of the “I”) remains stable, then stability is possible in other areas; if it feels unstable, then so is everything else. But when you climb down from the tower, you might see that embracing contradictions are actually what help us to live among other people, as well as to accept ourselves as a fluctuation, or a renegotiation, and not a monolith. In this case, the threat of the lightning bolt might tell you that if you don’t make preparations to climb down from the Tower, the Tower will create the situation for you.

(image from the Anima Mundi Tarot)

[forestwater87]

Tales of Fandom Past: Harry Potter and the Shipping Slaves

So, in my spare time I read a lot, lot . . . lot of fandom_wank. A lot. More than should be possible, considering it’s a dead website linking mostly to other dead websites, but I’m a woman addicted to drama who has the gift of long periods of quiet at work, so I’m working my way through almost 2 decades of fan history and it’s just fascinating.

Fandom, back in the ‘00s? Was so much more wild than it is now.

Plagiarism! Fake suicides! Fraud! Theft of real people’s actual money! Stalkers, both real and made up! Fanfic writers so popular they finagled it into mountains of free stuff and a book deal! Everyone was really gross and homophobic! 

There were no rules, and that made it a terrible and incredibly fun time to be part of a fandom.

And we’re not talking enough about it. I guess that’s where I come in.

I’m interested in telling these stories -- not in the incredible level of detail of the MsScribe Saga or the Cassie Claire Plagiarism Debacle, but enough for us to all have a moment to think: Hold on, what the fuck was fandom doing during the entirety of the Bush administration?

A lot, it turns out. Much of it totally wild.

Today’s topic: Shipping wars are as bad as slavery

Date: August 2005

Fandom: Harry Potter

Supposed topic(s): Shipping, canon

Content warning(s): Accidental and ironic diminishing of slavery, complaints about political correctness and free speech, racism in general, lots of hurt feelings and drama

"Now, I'm not black, but boy, do I feel for the black people. If I lived in the 1800's, I wouldn't keep slaves, and if someone has a difference of opinion than me now, that's fine, believe what you want."

Background

In August of 2005, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince had been out for a little less than a month, the film version of The Goblet of Fire wouldn’t come out until November, and the last Potter movie had been released over a year ago. In terms of shipping, fans had just discovered, to either their delight or horror, that Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione were canon; while some would continue to hold out hope that there would be a last-minute reversal of expectations, most of the fandom both on and off the internet was in agreement: 

The shipping wars were over, and the Harry/Hermione fans (a.k.a., H/Hr fen, or “Harmonians”) had decisively lost.

The Harmonians’ ire seemed to have been pretty evenly split between J.K. Rowling -- who they felt had let them down -- and the R/Hr and H/G shippers (a.k.a. “Herons” and “Chocolateers,” respectively, though I’m not sure anyone actually used those terms for themselves; they appear to have been given from without), who were taking a victory lap. Depending on one’s perspective, this was either a long-overdue celebration by two groups of shippers who’d faced the fandom’s ire for approximately 5 years and were now vindicated, or it was the tactless gloating of sore losers who were thrilled to get one over on their hated enemies. Either way, tensions were no lower just because canon had decided the victors, and the battleground seemed to shift from the books to the movies -- where shippers of all kinds were in debate over which romance would win out onscreen.

Enter Emerson Spartz, a teenager in charge of one of the most popular fansites at the time and king of creating controversy . . . who had very strong opinions about shipping, and Harmonians in particular.

The Inciting Incident

Emerson had already incited the ire of Harmonians by calling them “delusional” in an infamous interview with J.K. Rowling. The wound was still raw, having come shortly after the release of Half-Blood Prince, and in some circles Emerson was already Public Enemy #1.

Therefore, when Emerson was one of two “anti”-Harmonians interviewed in a San Francisco Chronicle article about the shipping wars, some fans cried foul.

More responses can be found in a summary of the incident here, but personal favorites include a letter sent to the author of the SF Chronicle piece:

The majority of Harry/Hermione shippers are not merely upset that we didn't get what we wanted in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. That makes us sound childish. While I'm forced to admit that there has been much bile and vitriol posted on various H/Hr shipping sites, the majority of us are reasonable people. What really hurt our feelings was the way the Mugglenet/TLC article made it seem as if J. K. Rowling herself felt we were really dense, missing her "anvil-sized clues." Emerson's subsequent "apology" for the harsh words directed at the Harry/Hermione 'shipper community was a non-apology, which you [the author of the SFC article] would have known if you had done more than just take his word that he apologized. He simply used the "apology" as an opportunity to issue another dig. I suppose not much better can be expected from a child of 18 who has suddenly become a bit of a celebrity. But I do expect better from a colleague; a professional writer. ...

You have assisted one side of the argument and failed to represent the other. Did you attempt to interview the webmasters of any Harry/Hermione shipping sites or did you merely cut and paste posts that were pointed out to you by Emerson and Melissa? Your article shows no evidence that you made any attempt to give the other side equal time, so to speak, and as a result, you have contributed to the perceprtion [sic] that ALL H/Hr 'shippers are irrational, bitter, spoiled brats. And that's quite unfair. (Hughes, 2005, paras. 13 & 18)

Or this comment in a Harmonian forum by a disappointed reader: 

History is written by the victorius [sic] (or something like that), isn't it how the saying goes?. I'm afraid we are witnessing it firsthand. Herons feel they are the winners on this war, and as such, they feel they have a right to treat us anyway they want to, and they think we have no weapons to defend ourselves since even J.K seems to have sided with them. Even if most of us are pretty reasonable people, at this point anything we say in regards of J.K's apparent disregard for our feelings (thoughts, opinions, whatever), will be gladly taken as the lashing out of sore losers. ::sigh:: I say, just ignore Emerson, he's just some lost kid desperate for attention. And how good can the guy who wrote this article be if he didn't bother to check the facts before he went slandering us?, not much me thinks. (Remolina, 2005, para. 21)

These responses, while perhaps silly or overblown, were not enough to make history. That honor belonged to a Harmonian going by the username Panther.

How, one might wonder?

The Blowout

Ya know, come to think of it, people like Emerson were probably the kinda people that started slavery. I mean, think about it, they thought the slaves were animals, just because they had different colored skin. Emerson thinks we're stupid and delusional for having different beliefs. Get the similarities here, people? Now, I'm not black, but boy, do I feel for the black people. If I lived in the 1800's, I wouldn't keep slaves, and if someone has a difference of opinion than me now, that's fine, believe what you want. (Panther, 2005, paras. 23-25)

The reaction was immediate and explosive from Panther’s fellow Harmonians. Some understood and empathized with Panther’s view; they saw it as a bit hyperbolic, but agreed with the underlying point being made.

I can see where they were going with this...a different analogy would probably have been better. Maybe the religious persecution during Mary Tudor's reign, or the Salem Witch Hunt/Trials, the religous [sic] crusades, the wars in Bosnia etc. We harmonians are being "persecuted" for our differening viewpoints/perspectives. (Anndee Granger, 2005, paras. 30-32)

The belief that H/Hr shippers were being persecuted for their beliefs was a pervasive one, and extended to fans, Emerson and other fandom “authorities,” and the author herself.

No, what we are experiencing is not at the same extreme level because of the world we now live in, but the base level is still the same. The base level taking us back to different beliefs and views without the ability to be heard in the correct manner, and yes it does feel like a form of persecution. (*Under your Skin, 2005, paras. 36-37)

While not on the same level as slavery, the intolerance of their ship did call to mind other examples of discrimination and bigotry:

Of course no one is dying because of this, but all in all we are being persecuted for our different beliefs. "Bloody" Mary Tudor, killed Protestants because she so hated their different views on Christ. This is an extreme indeed, but the mentality behind it, the vitrol [sic], is the same. (Andee Granger, 2005, para. 38)

This extreme point of view, while widespread, was not universal among the Harmonians. Many of them were . . . understandably appalled by the comment and those agreeing with it:

No wonder other people find it easy to portray us as reactionary and vicious. Some of you bloody well are. (jane99, 2005, para. 43)

I agree that it is very vicious and out in left field . . . Slavery was an oppressive movement for hundreds of years, resulting in the deaths of millions. I would hardly regard that with 'shipper treatment, nowadays. However, the schoolyard bully is a very appropriate analogy, in my opinion. Hopefully you understand the difference. (myrhlyn, 2005, para. 52)

The Response

NarcissaM brought the subject to the outside world by posting it in fandom_wank -- a defunct LiveJournal specializing in fandom drama, which now exists primarily in archives -- and the result was universally disbelief and amusement. The responses ranged from insightful, if crass, commentary . . .

Emerson did not kill your dog, tell you that Santa wasn't real, and touch you in your swimsuit areas. And the more I read the more I'm convinced that H/Hr fans aren't angry because what he said was insulting, they're angry because what he said was *accurate*. (iczer6)

I'm also wondering where keeping slaves was a matter of, y'know, people having different beliefs, and not the subjugation of an entire culture by another which had more money and more powerful weapons, and needed a lot of manual labor but didn't want to pay for it. (slackerbitch)

To good old-fashioned sarcasm and snark:

That's not the stupidest thing I've ever read, but it's in the top five. (Anonymous)

That's right. There is a conspiracy, Hermionians! The world is against you and want to take a shit on all your fan fiction! XD (Anonymous “Mary”)

QUICKLY! SOMEBODY CALL A WAAAAAHBULANCE! WE HAVE INTERNET PERSECUTION! (aerobot)

F_W, known for good and ill as a site that takes nothing seriously except the desire to laugh at themselves and especially others, took the slavery comment and ran with it:

So how much does a healthy H/Hr fan with good teeth go for these days? (xero-sky)

Which H/Hr's are in the big house and which ones are working in the fields? ... We didn't land on Plymouth rock, Plymouth rock landed on us! *throws up the fist* (prettyveela)

If we're going to start enslaving delusional people, I want to start with the scientologists. Who's with me? (ladybirdsleeps)

Big Daddy Heron:*hits the H/Hr fan with a whip* Your ship name is H/Hr, H/Hr! Say it! H/Hr shipper: H-Harmony (sewingmyfish)

Bully for the slaves! In fact they would have been sooo much better off if all we 21st century people could trade places with the whites that lived back then. Not only could we tell them to get a life, none of us would have kept slaves! (chief)

You know, just like slaves, they have to work out in the hot sun for no wages and be beaten and whipped and raped and sold like cattle deal with an author not writing the fictional pairing they wanted. (slackerbitch)

Mere hours after the controversy was reported to F_W, a user named ahiru created some icons to celebrate the controversy:

And with some more chuckles about the inherent ridiculousness of such a claim, the fandom and its onlookers dropped the subject.

For a few months.

The Aftermath

In November 2005, some users rediscovered the icons made by ahiru and found them insensitive and racist. This is immediately reported to F_W not once but twice, and the folks there were no longer entertained, responding with less amusement than outright hostility. A couple of F_Wankers understood to at least some extent why there might be people who didn’t love the icons, though they did generally come down on the side of parody and feel those upset were missing the point of the joke. A lot of F_Wankers were upset about political correctness and free speech, and were eager to point out the oppression faced by other groups of people.

Someone anonymous entered the fray with racist guns blazing, and was summarily eviscerated by gleeful F_Wankers.

After that, the dust settled, and all was quiet on the fandom front . . . at least, until the next inevitable disaster.

Further Reading

The Interview that sparked the Emerson outrage

An offshoot of Harmony that believes in Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson’s undeniable chemistry and romance

A collection of Harmonian controversies, 2006-2010

Other HP controversies

[rowanfoster]

{ odeya rush ♔ twenty-three ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t rowan foster running around peach hollow. legend has it, she comes from tangerine towers and has lived here her entire life. if you’re wondering what she’s been up to, i hear she’s a make up artist / freelance musician for a living. she has been known to be impulsive yet insightful. a word of advice to her, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching.

why yes, it is i, admin kim, with another character that should’ve been kept in the drafts of my mind. if you’ve not met daysia or serenity, here’s a lil low down on me. i’m 26, i use she/her pronouns, and live on the east coast. i thrive on writing angst and my animal crossing villagers being happy. also caffeine. i luv chris klemens. most likely to have a mental breakdown on twitter. meet rowan! trigger warnings for mental illness, bipolar disorder specifically, and inpatient treatment

have a playlist and a pinterest board dedicated to her

rowan celeste foster was born may 27th, 1996. she’s the oldest of two, a baby sister coming to the scene in 1999.

her family is extremely close. they’ve been in peach hollow their whole lives. she grew up in a crowded house on blueberry boulevard, crammed in with her mother, father, sister, maternal grandmother and maternal grandfather. rowan never knew peace or privacy growing up – it just wasn’t possible with that many people which has really contributed to her somewhat isolated adulthood

her mother is a charge nurse at peach hollow general, working on the emergency room floor. her father is a retired car salesman. her grandparents moved into the house when her sister was born in order to help take care of the girls while their parents worked full time. rowan is especially grateful for their care, because she feels like she’d be a little more sour had she been raised by absent parents.

growing up, she shared a room with her younger sister. they told each other everything because they had no choice not to. they both developed an interest in make up and music at very young ages, but rowan particularly took to those things while maci took more interest in sports. when rowan was gifted her first ukulele at age 6, maci got her first basketball. they are polar opposites, but maci was the only person rowan really confided in as a child and an adolescent.

she’d always been rather moody. tantrums and fits were nearly unavoidable. her self esteem lacked before she even had a chance to develop any confidence. she was always the try hard, the girl who stood out because she was just a little different, the emotional one, the one the other kids didn’t want to mess with, not because she’d fight back, but because she would absolutely lose it. there were countless times where rowan ended up in the guidance counselor’s office, waiting on her grandmother to show up and bring her home. that was the beginning of their problems.

her mental health really started to decline in her mid teenage years. she spent hours upon hours in her room, writing songs, playing guitar, practicing make up looks – she’d go days without sleeping and snap at anyone who crossed her path. she got into screaming matches with everyone in the house, only to find herself crying in her bed for the next few days. she started missing days at a time from school, while her artistry thrive, the rest of her crumbled. her grades, all of it.

eventually, this resulted in her parents yanking her out of peach hollow high and putting her in counseling, which lead her to a psychiatrist and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at the age of 17. while it made sense, she dreaded taking the medications. they numbed everything. her writing suffered, and while her moods weren’t swinging from the trees anymore, she feared that this empty feeling was worse.

she finished her high school diploma in homeschooling with her grandmother while maci went on to thrive in school. the attention shifted to her, and rowan couldn’t really blame them. she turned 18 and started performing in clubs, bars, and anywhere she could get in. ps her voice is a mix of bishop briggs & mary lambert. the thrill of performing to small crowds sucked her in. she began to gain an even smaller following on social media, mainly the locals following her. every once in a while she’ll book a show in atlanta and she’ll make the long drive just to sing in front of a bit of a larger crowd. she’ll gain a few followers from those shows, but this still isn’t her main source of income.

most of her money comes from the make up artistry she does through pop of peach. she doesn’t go in every day, but when someone has an event scheduled or needs their make up done for a dance or something, she’s there. she tries to spread things out bc she’s always late lmao and finds it hard to stick to a schedule

she was doing so well for a few years, even moved out of her parents’ house and into an apartment at the towers. that’s where she really found herself, made some real friends and built relationships that were good for her. however, she missed a few doctor’s appointments and was discharged from her psychiatrist’s office. she went off meds, and for a few weeks it was fine. when she ran out of meds, the next few weeks were okay as well. it was when every single drop of medication had drained from her body that things got bad.

rowan was missing appointments she scheduled at pop of peach. she was spending far too much time out at nights, giving in to alcohol for the most part. she tried not to touch any drugs, but drinking became a nightly thing. she’d perform, then spend the rest of the night partying with whoever she could find at the venue.

one night in atlanta after a particularly shaky performance, rowan found herself in a dark place and simply went into the women’s bathroom to calm down, but police say they found her laying flat on the ground, refusing to respond to anyone. she vaguely remembers the end of the manic episode, but it did land her in the emergency room for a change in mental status.

much to her chagrin, they admitted her overnight before transporting her to skyland trail, a mental health facility in atlanta. she spend about two and a half months there getting medications regulated and learning new coping mechanisms. she was discharged about two weeks ago and finally made it back to peach hollow and her apartment.

she’d lead everyone other than her family and maybe one or two other people that she was away on a musician’s retreat, but really, was in inpatient treatment.

she’s currently working full time as a make up artist at pop of peach and performing when she can, but doesn’t really go outside of peach hollow

fun facts & personality

rowan despises small talk. conversations about the weather or political climate don’t stimulate her and she gets snarky pretty easily. it isn’t that she wants to come off rude or unapproachable, but nine times out of ten, small talk is fake and she feels as though she doesn’t have the time or energy to indulge in it. ask her about the sky or some shit. she won’t shut up

she has a tendency to overshare,  aside from what’s been going on in the past few months. her lips are sealed tight about that. however, she’s open to talking about her mental health and is a big advocate for erasing the stigma. this makes rowan a very good listener and a huge supportive presence for anyone struggling. she’s the mom friend, and no matter what time of day or night, if someone says they need an ear, she’ll go to them. she knows what it’s like to be alone.

despite her past and her demons, rowan finds a way to put on a smile. it might often be snarky or sarcastic, but rarely is it insincere. she’s an empath and feels everything so very deeply, but can easily put it away when necessarily.

her apartment is her safe haven. she rarely has company. it isn’t really her thing. she prefers to go to other people’s places. she has her record collection proudly displayed on her living room wall, all the plants you can imagine, incense burning whenever she’s home, and a scottish fold munchkin cat named loonette after her favorite childhood tv show, the big comfy couch. she has hopes to get another cat named molly to match. you know, because we’re all clowns !

she takes great pride in her instagram. it sounds superficial, but often times, rowan will post a good picture and then link to her next show in hopes that somebody will come based on that. while she does have a passion for make up and a second instagram for it, ultimately, she’d like for there to come a time where she can live solely on the money she makes through music

catch her driving her old ass ford focus blaring 00s alternative, mainly fuckin paramore bc she’s heart eyes for hayley williams

wanted connections if ya made it this far!!!!

childhood friends – those who she’s known since elementary school. they’ve most likely watched her go through her many trials and tribulations in class. these could be acquaintances, close friends, or even a ride or die or two.

bullies – people who fucked with her through school. it’s essential that they’re on bad terms currently, but perhaps an enemy turned friend or romantic could be fun??

group therapy pal – this would be super fun and might entail the person finding out about her secret…. msg me for deets

exes – there will be a couple of these, gender does not matter. i’d like to find one that she was dating when she went into treatment and maybe hasn’t seen/spoken to them since they’ve been back, first love, high school sweetheart?? omg possibilities are endless

flirtationship – self explanatory, gender doesn’t matter she’s pan

any other ideas literally lmk!! thanks for reading ♥

[davieslandon]

Discord Thread || Harry and Landon

Discord thread featuring: Landon & @theharrykingston

Mentions: @lorencourtier @romanbeckett @aaronhart93

When: July 1st

Description: Landon tells Harry that Loren broke up with him. 

Trigger Warnings: breakup talk, sad Landon

Harry

Harry hadn't actually realised that a few days had gone by. That wasn't because he was disassociating, or had been lost down some rabbit hole of the past. He'd actually been writing... For the first time in months, he had a real muse and a real desire to write. Harry was so overdue to publish the next book in his series, he was giving George R.R. Martin a run for his money. But, over the course of a few days he was almost done with the first draft, ready for the editing houses. There was just... One thing he wanted to do before he sent it off. During the time that they had been together, Harry had always had Landon read his drafts. He really respected the thoughts and insight the other man gave, and now that they were back in each others' lives... He just thought that maybe it might... Put some common ground back between them... As friends, of course. Harry had sent a few texts, but after a couple hours with no response, not even a read sign, Harry got worried. He called and Uber and rode across town to his house... Their house... Knocking on the door, he waited patiently for the answer. "Hey-- I-- I texted you and I-I got no response, I just th-thought I'd come and check in... Is everything okay?"

Landon

Landon wasn’t sure how he managed to get from Loren’s place all the way to his own. He drove, that he knew for sure, but he couldn’t actually remember the journey. How could he when all he could think about was Loren saying he didn’t think Landon really loved him. That this wasn’t working out and it was better if they ended things now. Landon really thought he finally found someone understanding that he could love and move on from all the drama. How stupid of him. He paid the babysitter as soon as he got back and somehow kept his composure for long enough to put Elle to bed but, as soon as he was alone, he was done. Landon collapsed onto the couch and took heaving breaths, trying to keep his sobs in but it wasn’t working. Soon enough he was crying, trying his best to keep it down so as not to wake up Elle. The part thing he was expecting was a knock on the door and he had half the mind to ignore it but...what if it was something important? So he wiped his face to his best of his ability and opened the door, coming face to face with Harry. “Oh, hey. I wasn’t expecting you today”, he said, trying to muster up a smile. “Everything’s fine. My phone’s just out of battery so I put it on charge. Thanks for checking in though.”

Harry

Harry knew as soon as his eyes set onto Landon that he was not okay. Even after the space that was put between them from him, even after all these years... Harry knew exactly what Landon looked like after he'd been crying. What he looked like when he was hurt. He could feel his own heart hurting. "Landon..." He said softly as the other tried to smile and pretend. "I-- You never were very good at l-lying," Harry gave a small half smile as he sighed and lifted his brows a little. "I came t-to make s-sure Elle was okay but... I don't want t-to leave knowing you're not..."

Landon

Landon should have known Harry would see right through his lie but he couldn’t even bring himself to care right now. He was too hurt and tired to keep up the act and he shrugged, avoiding his ex-husband’s eyes. Moving to the side, he let Harry walk in and led the way to the living room. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have next to the front door. Once they were both sitting down, Landon tried to think of the best way to say it but in the end decided to go with the truth. “Loren broke up with me.”

Harry

Harry walked into the house and closed the door after him, slipping his shoes off and handing his coat up before following Lan through into the living room. He got a really strong sense of home whenever he was in this house, especially now that, for the most part, he and Landon were actually getting along. It had been a rough month of constant fighting and bickering but... Perhaps they really could do this. Harry didn't say anything when they sat down, he knew that Landon was just trying to find the right words and of course Harry would give him the time to do that. If anyone knew what not being about to get your thoughts out was like, it was Harry. What he didn't expect was what came, though... Harry's heart sunk. Had he been glad that Landon was dating again? No... But, had he been glad that he was happy? Of course, more than anything. "Landon I--" he sighed heavily, looking to Landon just to make sure he wasn't completely closing down before gently just placing an arm around his shoulders. He knew that if Landon wanted more, if he needed a hug, he'd turn into him. "I'm really s-sorry, Lan... I really am..."

Landon

Landon wasn’t sure what else he could say. He thought things were going well between them and instead it was the other way round. This wasn’t something that he saw coming and it made everything so much worse. How was he supposed to look Harry in the eyes after he argued with him over the same guy who broke up with him so unexpectedly? Landon even wanted to introduce him to Elle. How stupid could he be? Maybe he wasn’t as good of a dad as he liked to think he was. “It’s fine, I should have expected it really”, he smiled bitterly. “Why does everyone I love leave?” He turned to Harry, desperately looking for an answer that he was probably not going to get.

Harry

Harry couldn’t help but be glad that they had never introduced Elle to Loren. He had absolutely no right to think that considering everything he’s done to his own daughter, but still... He couldn’t help but allow the thought to cross his mind. Harry would never say that out loud though, he wanted to support his ex husband, not put him down even more. Being such an empath, Harry didn’t think that he could feel anymore of Landons pain than he already was... But then he went and said that. Harry’s heart dropped to his stomach, tugged down by tons of weight. “I—“ He really had no response. “I’m sorry...” Harry said gently before pulling Landon into a hug properly. “*Im so s-sorry, Landon...” He muttered gently as he closed his eyes to stop himself from crying. “I promise you it— it’s not you... You’re... You’re the best person I-I have ever met, Landon...”

Landon

Landon knew that Harry couldn’t give him an answer to his question, no one could. But he wasn’t thinking clearly so when his ex-husband looked like he didn’t know what to say...it crushed Landon. He let himself be pulled into a hug, squeezing Harry tightly almost as a way of grounding himself. “If it’s not me then why? Everyone leaves. I’m barely even talking to Roman and Aaron, you left...now Loren...I can’t. I c-can’t do this anymore.”

Harry

As Landon gave into the hug and squeezed him as if his life was depending on it, Harry just held him closer and tighter, one hand on the back of his head. “R-Roman and Aaron haven’t left, L... a-and I— I’m sorry I left. But— i— I’m back... For you, for Elle... I’m not going anywhere a-again, okay?” He sniffled and took a shaky breath. “I promise Landon... I’m not leaving... Youre not alone...”

Landon

Landon felt so alone. Just when he was slowly starting to get over the hurt of Harry leaving, this happened. He was in a good place, thinking that he could finally be somewhat happy with Harry back to help him raise Elle and Loren by his side. It’s true that Harry was gone for four years but he was here now and they could work on moving forward. Maybe he could stop fearing his ex-husband leaving again. All his fears were back and doubled now that his boyfriend, the person he was falling in love with and went all the way to France for, broke up with him. He wanted to believe Harry and his promise but he was just...done. He was done being played. “O-okay...yeah. I’m sorry.” Sorry for their fight in the park over someone who wasn’t even going to stay, sorry for not answering his texts and worrying him, sorry for breaking down...Landon wasn’t sure what he was really apologizing for.

Harry

Harry wanted to find a way to contact this guy, to give him a piece of his mind however hypocritical that may seem. He was by no means a violent person, in fact, Harry had never hit anyone or anything in his life before but seeing Landon hurting like this... It boiled his blood. Then there was the fight inside him, the little voice telling him that this was how Landon was when he left, when he broke his heart... If Harry hadn't already had that defining moment that made him realise he wasn't going anywhere, this would have been it too. Sure, they had probably burnt all of their bridges when it came to a relationship but... Harry wanted to be here for Landon too. As... Whatever it was Landon needed. "You have nothing to be s-sorry for..." He said, trying to be as stern as he could so that message got across to his ex-husband. "None of th-this is your fault," Harry hugged him tightly, sighing gently. "It's gonna be okay, Landon..."

Landon

In a way, this all seemed like a repetition of everything that happened with Harry when he left four years ago, even though not to the same extent. He and Loren weren't married or raising a child together and they hadn't been together as long as he and Harry had been, but the similarities were still there. Landon still felt rejected, hurt and abandoned. He thought what they had was...important. Although now he realised how stupid he was being to think like that for someone he'd been with for such a short time. That was the problem with Landon. It took him a while to be convinced in giving things a try with someone, but once he did he was all in. No more. He couldn't get hurt again, he just couldn't take it anymore. "I guess I know that in a way but I just feel so stupid crying over someone who left me because I didn't love him enough." Landon wanted to believe Harry's words, he really did, but history showed him otherwise. He didn't want to worry his ex-husband more than he probably already was so he just nodded, trying to calm himself down. 'Yeah, yeah, you're right."

Harry

Seeing Landon like this... It brought every memory flooding back to Harry, everything from the last few months of their marriage, everything from the cabin, from seeing him again at Throuple, everything Aaron had said to him. It was almost overwhelming. It made him want to stand up and bolt out the door, afraid of confronting and seeing pain he's caused. But, Aaron was wrong. Aaron was wrong, he wasn't going to run away as soon as it got hard. This was hard. But he needed to stay, needed to prove to himself that he could, and to Landon that he would... Slowly, he pulled away from the hug, but stayed close, hip to hip. "You'll find-- s-someone," Harry said, his voice soft and quiet. Carefully, reading Landon's eyes in case he was overstepping, Harry lifting his hands which were shaking a little, and wiped Landon's cheeks and under his eyes clear of tears. "You are more th-than enough, I-- I wouldn't want t-to raise a child with anyone else... Even under our circums-stances now..." He sighed gently, raising his brows softly. "He's an idiot for letting you th-through his fingers... A-And leaving you behind... Just like I was..."

Landon

Landon scoffed at the mention of finding someone else and shook his head. "No thanks. I think I'm done with dating and serious relationships. I've given it a good try and ended miserable every single time so now I'm done." He knew he was probably sounding really dramatic but Landon was being very serious. He couldn't go through this again, he just couldn't. All his walls were up and they weren't likely to come back down any time soon. Love could go fuck itself because it brought him nothing but pain. Landon smiled at Harry's words about raising Elle together. Through all of this, the only thing that made him feel a little better was the knowledge that Loren's exit from his life wasn't going to affect his daughter in any way. It crushed him but as long as it was just him, he would live through it. He didn't want to imagine what he would have felt if he had to tell Elle that someone she'd gotten close to because of him was leaving and never coming back. Harry talking about them raising Elle together reminded him of one of the last conversations he had with Loren where his boyfriend...ex-boyfriend....asked him if he would ever want more children. How did they go from that to break up? "He asked me, you know. At the wedding reception. He asked me if I would ever want to have more kids...with you."

Harry

A lot of people might have rolled their eyes at Landon's statement. They might have passed it off, saying that he was just being dramatic in the moment and give it a couple days, his thoughts on the matter would be different. But, Harry knew Landon. Even with the 4 years they had missed from each others lives, he knew Landon. There was a deadly seriousness behind that sentence, especially behind those last two words. I'm Done. Harry knew that feeling... To a certain extent, he still did. Even with Dorian... Harry was a pessimistic person, he didn't expect it to last. He didn't expect Dorian to stick around through all his lows. Everything came, and everything goes. Those were the two absolutes of living. Harry was almost certain he'd had his shot at happiness... He missed. There was nothing to be done about it. "If you do... If you don't-- th-that's okay..." Harry ran his thumb over Landon's cheek before bringing his hands back down and putting an arm behind Landon again, just in case... Just in case the other needed another hug. Though, what he said surprised him and there was no way to hide that kind of shock. "What a-- s-strange question for him t-to ask," he blinked a few times before furrowing his eyebrows and looking to him. "What did you s-say?"

Landon

Maybe Landon would change his mind once the wound wasn't so fresh any more but he didn't think that was likely.  How many times who could he open himself up to someone only to have it thrown back in his face? It wasn't fair. But he didn't want to say that out loud because he knew it would make him sound like a whining four year old. And he wasn't. He was a twenty eight year old father to the most amazing little girl he had ever met. That was what he needed to focus on whenever he felt like everything was getting to be too much, which it often did. "I didn't think anything of it at the time...honestly I just saw it as a way of taking an interest in a future together? But, once again, that was very stupid of me", he sighed. "What do you think I said? I said no. I mean, can you imagine us having more kids other than Elle in the situation we're in?"

Harry

Harry felt himself sighing at almost the same time as he ex-husband. He didn't know what to say to make him feel better, he didn't know whether Landon wanted him to stay, even if they just ordered food and watched TV in peace and quiet, just having company... Was that weird? Did ex-husbands usually do this? Harry supposed you couldn't really compare them to anyone else, because he'd certainly never heard of anything or anyone in a situation remotely like theirs... That was kind of a blessing and a curse. It meant they got to make up their own rules, but it also meant there was no playbook to go off, no base ground to build on. "No... But--" Harry glanced down at his feet for a moment as he collected some thoughts going around his head. "I-- I think if... which I-I don't think I ever will.. But I th-think if I ever did have kids with s-someone else... I'd-- I'd want you to be in their lives too... A Godfather kinda?" He tried to explain how no matter what, he wanted Landon to be a part of his life. It was far too late to honour his 'for better or for worse' vow but... He wanted to at least respect it. Harry sighed and then decided that he would have a go at perhaps changing the topic so they didn't go around in circles or start arguing. He reached down and unclipped his satchel and took out the manuscript of his book and then placed it in Landon's lap. "That's-- that's for you... You don't-- you don't have to read it, I-I understand if you don't... But-- you always had t-the first copy..." He smiled softly.

Landon

Landon wasn't sure how they ended up talking about potentially having other children, especially since he was always so adamant that he didn't want to have more kids for the time being. He wanted to focus on Elle and enjoy the last few years of his twenties before even thinking of having more children. Yet it was nice to get the opportunity to discuss it. During his conversations with Aaron and Alison about the possibility of them having another child, he sometimes thought about more children of his own. His biggest worry was always how it would affect Elle, having a sibling that did not have Harry as a dad. Obviously he still wanted Harry to be a part of Elle's life but would it be awkward for his ex-husband if Landon ever did end up having more kids? It was something that actually worried him and one of the reasons why he didn't want to think about more kids at the time being. He didn't want to ruin the hesitant truce they had going on. But with the way Harry was talking, maybe they wouldn't have to. "Maybe...that could be nice, I guess." It was weird for him to think of them having more kids other than Elle on their own but he knew it was something that could happen in the future. He doubted it could ever be a possibility for them together.  With Harry now seeing Dorian and him on an indefinite break from relationships, they were clearly both on very different paths. Landon wasn't expecting the manuscript he was given from Harry. "Are you serious?" It was true that he was always the one to get the first copy but he wasn't sure if that was an honour that still fell to him with everything that happened between them. It made a rush of affection to run through him and he pulled Harry in for another hug. "Than you", he whispered. "Of course I'm going to read it and I already know I'm going to love it."

Harry

Harry had no idea where his life was heading anymore, and for the first time that wasn't because he'd given up on it completely. His friendship with Dorian was slowly progressing into something else, and whilst they hadn't had a conversation about anything official, whilst they were still finding their feet and navigating those waters... Harry found himself actively looking forward, wondering what was next. Of course, there were times where Harry was sure that he was reading too much into their kiss at the wedding, or the dinner they had a few days after. But... There was some hope in there, and that was huge for Harry. Talking about kids though with Landon... Being with him like this... It confused him... Harry still loved Landon, that much was true. He wasn't sure he'd ever stop loving Landon, even if he and Dorian did officially get together... "Of course I'm s-serious..." Harry chuckled quietly, not expecting the sudden hug from his ex-husband. Still, he wrapped his arms around him willingly and smiled. "The-- the first copy will always be yours... and Elle's-- when s-she's old enough for them..." He sighed softly as they withdrew from the hug, catching Landon's eyes for just a few moments. There were so many little reminders of what used to be in those eyes, in the way they looked at each other. What they had was still there, underneath all the new and heavy baggage called divorce... Why did he have to leave? "Did you eat t-today?"

Landon

Getting the first copy of Harry’s manuscript filled him with hope that he desperately needed right now. Hope that the more time went by and the more they talked things out, the less arguments they would have. Maybe the first few were necessary to get a few things off their chests but Landon didn’t really want them to keep screaming at each other every time they tried to have a serious conversation. They were both adults and they needed to start behaving as such. When they broke apart from the hug, their eyes caught on each other’s for a few seconds and Landon felt frozen. It was moments like these that he allowed himself to think of what could have been. What would have happened if Harry never left? If Landon wasn’t in that accident? Sometimes he liked to think that they would still be happily married, but other times the thought of it got too painful. Maybe they weren’t meant to work together and their marriage would have ended anyways. Or maybe not. Thinking about what if’s was useless and painful because the past wasn’t going to change, no matter how much they willed it to. And so that’s why Landon was the first one to break eye contact, mentally shaking himself out of his thoughts. “Not really. I haven’t really been in the best mood to cook. Honestly I was just focused on getting Elle to bed once I got home and then...yeah.”

Harry

Harry hadn’t finished a book in four years. He had spent everyday hidden away, writing, but nothing ever finished itself. Nothing ever clicked, there was no life in his writings. But now... Now his family was back together, now they weren’t fighting, now his daughter filled his life with so much light... He had that muse again. The manuscript he had just given Landon was one that would make or break the rest of his career as a writer. Often, unless an author came back with something groundbreaking, once they disappeared from the thoughts of publishers, they were gone forever. Harry had one shot at coming back... He wanted Landon to be the one to read his shot first. It was due to him that he finished it... It was only right, and no matter what happened between them from here on out, Landon would always be the first. Harry sighed gently as Landon said he hadn’t eaten, softly, the writer squeezed his ex-husbands knee before bringing his hands back to himself, sliding one into a pocket and taking out his phone. “Let me order you s-some food... I’ll, er, st-stay until it gets here then— if you want s-space I’ll leave you to it...” Harry said softly, raising his brows pleadingly at Landon.

Landon

There hadn’t been a single book written by Harry that Landon didn’t love. His ex-husband had a way of writing that somehow always made him feel like he was in another world while reading. And so he knew, without even having read it, that this new book was going to be amazing. He didn’t say that to Harry, knowing that the other boy wouldn’t appreciate his words before he even got to read it. “Fine, I guess I can do that”, he shrugged. In reality, Landon didn’t think he could stomach any food but he didn’t want to worry the other more than he probably already was. His ex-husband did so much for him already, he didn’t deserve to worry over Landon’s broken heart as well.

Harry

Harry smiles gently, even if there was a lot of sadness and worry behind it. He felt so guilty right now, guilty for how he had caused this before, how he had caused this now... If he’d never left, then Landon would have never starting seeing Loren, never would have been in this mess... He knew it was almost pathetic to put blame on himself, but that was just who Harry was as a person. He wore his heart on his sleeve and he took everything on board. “Thank you...” He said softly before ordering what he knew was Landon’s favourite meal he could get this side of the ocean. Then, Harry reached for the TV remote and switched it on, finding a channel with something easy watching... Brooklyn Nine Nine would do for now... Light hearted humour, sound down low so as not to wake Elle or hurt anyone’s tired head. He let out a gentle sigh as he relaxed into the couch, trying not to flick his eyes from the TV to look at Landon because he knew if he did, he’d end up staring.

Landon

If there was one thing Landon could call himself an expert on, it was knowing how to read most of Harry’s expressions and this never changed, even with their separation. So he knew that his attempt not to worry his ex-husband wasn’t working very well but he couldn’t do much more. Landon considered himself lucky that at least he wasn’t crying anymore, but anything more than that was impossible at the moment. He watched as Harry ordered sushi, smiling at how much he still knew him. Maybe his favourite take out could make him feel slightly better. Landon leant back and tried to enjoy the peaceful moment of watching a nice comedy on tv but instead found himself fighting to keep his eyes open. The craziness of the day seemed to finally be catching up on him and he figured there was nothing wrong with resting his eyes, just for a few seconds. He should have known that would lead to dozing off.

Harry

Harry felt at ease, in his old home, the place where it all started all those years ago. When he had come here last month to meet Elle again for the first time, he didn’t know if he’d ever not be able to see all the pain that had happened in this house... But now? Now he just felt... Easy. It felt, well, it was home. Harry heard Landon’s breathing slow and become heavier, and he thought about waking him, but decided against it, instead just scooting a little closer so his shoulder could catch Landon’s head as he dropped off into a doze. With a gentle smile, Harry took his eyes off the television and looked down at his ex-husband, the man who still had so much of his heart... He had to fight the urge to kiss his hair even though it was burning inside of him. Harry didn’t really know how much time he spent watching Landon sleeping, all he knew was that watching him felt... So simple. The Uber Eats driver text him to say he was waiting at the end of the drive and gently, Harry slipped out from the couch and picked up the food, quietly bringing it inside and setting Landon’s on a table near him. He went to wake him, but didn’t want to disturb some needed rest, so he opened his own sushi and began eating, glancing between Landon and the TV.

Landon

Landon wasn’t sure what happened. One second he was looking at the tv and thinking about how at least he was feeling a little better, and the next he was startling awake, looking around him in confusion. “Wha- oh”, he said, as soon as he saw Harry eating from his box of sushi. His attempt to rest his eyes had clearly turned into a mini nap. “Sorry about that. It’s been a long day and I guess that took a toll on me”, he said, tiredly rubbing his eyes. He leaned over and grabbed his own box of sushi. “Thanks for taking care of everything.”

Harry

Harry jumped a little as Landon suddenly woke up as if he'd been jolted by something. "Hey," he chuckled gently before giving him a moment to just adjust back to the room. "Don't apologise for d-d-dozing off in your own place," Harry offered a small smile as he gestured to Landon's food on the table. "You're welcome," he said before taking another mouthful of sushi before sighing softly. "I-- I know i-it probably st-still sounds hard to believe at th-the moment but, um... I'm here," he nodded his head a little as he spoke. "Whenever you need it-- A-Always..." Harry gave his ex-husband a little smile, his eyebrows knitted together for a moment. "Whether it's t-taking care of Elle or just... You..." He swallowed a little before snapping his gaze to the TV.

Landon

Landon knew Harry was trying to help and he knew that he had people in his life who cared and would only want what’s best for him but some part of him still felt so alone. This was a bad hit and he wasn’t sure he would be able to get over it any time soon, especially since he still felt like there were things left unsaid between him and Loren. With him leaving, Landon doubted they would get the chance to talk about it again and it made everything feel so much worse. For now, the pain was too much for him to feel anything other than shit but Landon could tell that the pain would eventually make way for anger over the way things ended. He just needed to hold on until then and he knew that Harry was speaking the truth. They might not be together anymore but Landon knew he could count on his ex-husband to be there when he needed him, whether it was for help with Elle or anything else. “Thank you. I know I can count on you and...I think you’ve proven yourself more than enough in the past few weeks.”Message #chapter-one

[mycandylavynder]

Episode 10 Thoughts (Spoilers)

So, our wonderful Candy gets embarrassed by being relentlessly praised by her teacher and the director. This...as corny and awkward as it was for her...felt good. Candy works hard and deserves the recognition because our girl is a 🌟. I'm glad that they gave her the opportunity to hit it out the park.

Next up...Yeleen. Oh, Yeleen. She is a frustrating person...but as far as character development, I think she is one of the better written characters in this game. Her reactions are genuine to her conflict with her mom and her ability to introspect after hearing a reasonable argument makes her very likable. Although she is often immature and irritable, it is understandable because her high pressure relationship with her mom. It reminds me a little of the pressure Nathaniel faced in HSL to be the best at everything. I really like seeing vulnerable Yeleen and like the moments when Yeleen and Candy are friendly. I'm glad Yeleen had a bit of a break through moment and realized she needs to live her life for herself. I think she'll be more successful in the end when she is able to relax more and find herself.

Now...Castiel, interrupting our fued with Yeleen. There were definitely some nice flirty opportunities on our part toward Castiel. I thought it was pleasantly bold of her to say she could join him in the shower... especially since he ends up seeing her in a towel. Lol

Now their "date" was very casual, unfortunately. But I guess they wanted to give us a glimpse of what our future will be like with the lead of Crowstorm. But it was nice to have some one-on-one time with him again. I wish we could have watch his new video too. And I wish the fangirls weren't around so we could have gotten to talk about things other than his music. But I still enjoyed it. Especially when he came to the room early and saw Candy in her towel. That was a cute anime moment. And it was nice to have his attention in general. Although I can see why people would feel like things are rushed in his route, I think what happened was ok. Candy and Castiel have a long history (especially if he is your ex) so I think it would be normal to feel more comfortable once you know the person's intentions isn't to hurt you. So I think they are a good place together and feel safe with each other's feelings. I feel happy about that.

Now the kiss in front of the fangirls was wild. Lol it was cool to the story although it wasn't my favorite in comparison to the other LIs because he did it to shoo of the fangirls but it put Candy in a weird position. He definitely should have sent a text to clear that one up the next day...that would have been nice...

And Nath, oh Nath. I really enjoyed his date. although quite frankly, I am over the entire "tell me what shady danger business you are up to" banter but it was nice to talk to him about his scars and to have the self defense date. The kiss was waaaaaay cute. I really loved the scene and it left a very nice feel to their relationship. But of course they had to damper that with the text at the end...but I still think we got a solid glimpse that his feelings for Candy are genuine.

Over all, I liked the dates in general. The LI's taking the first step to date us and invite us out was refreshing. I think this was more realistic to the college experience in that sense as I think it is common for dating to be more relaxed and fun. I know some people might complain that this is too soon, but I feel like most people go on their first date at this point. I think once people know what the want to try out, they try it out. And when I look at my friend's that are dating, I think they date to similar timelines, if not sooner.

Now...Alexy and Rosa....

So...we have a meet up at the snake bar with them at the bar and all is 'well'. Alexy even apologizes for not really being present in his friends lives because of his new found love. Which was cool. I felt Beemov was trying to help redeem these two during that scene and it seemed ok. Plus, it is nice to be supportive to Rosa since she is pregnant. My husband and I had our first child at 20 and I am currently 23 and pregnant with our second and there is definitely a struggle that occurs between you and your unmarried, child free friends because they are in such a different reality to you that it's hard to relate to each other at times. I think they did ok in showing some of this in how Alexy and Candy try to awkwardly offer helpful but supportive advice. I think it was good since it is common for someone in a person's friend group to have kids earlier than the rest and it is good to still try and support them and keep the friendship brewing.

But I think because of this...I feel a little disappointed by their decision to have Rosa miscarry. I have known several people that have, and it is very difficult and sensitive and I don't think they wrote it with justice and integrity at all. It seemed like a very cheap, tacky, and tasteless way to stir up drama for the game when I think they could have stirred up drama and she still continued to have the baby. Not to mention that they absolutely should have offered a trigger warning since miscarriages are extraordinary traumatic and painful experiences.

With that said...I also felt they handled Rosa's pregnancy kind of weirdly anyway. I think them rushing to tell us that Rosa finished the nursery was an attempt to make us feel even more crushed by the miscarriage. (which honestly most women wait till 2nd to 3rd trimester to do that. There is an entire nesting stage that most pregnant ladies go through towards the end of their pregnancy to prepare the house for baby. Not saying that lots of women don't prepare sooner but it is very uncommon in my experience because the likely hood of having a miscarriage is significantly higher in the first few weeks/first trimester than in the other trimesters and doctors normally tell you that up front so you don't set your self up for a crushing disappointment if you lose the baby early on.) But yes, the whole baby prep stuff was so rushed in my opinion. I just kind of feel put off by how they wrote it because of the vague timeline presented in the game. I just wish they didn't choose the miscarriage route since they aren't great at sensitive topics.

But they did...and now we have that horrific crap fest that happened at the hospital where we see the absolute worst in Alexy and Rosa (which is understandable because she just lost a baby.) They tried to play up on her hormones causing her emotions to be all over the place prior to the hospital scene, which honestly is no joke...prenatal depression and mood swings are a very difficult ocean to navigate during and after pregnancy. I think it just brought to light some of the more uglier aspects to Rosa's personality that were clearly there before she was pregnant. Although I know she is grieving, she could have pushed her friends away before insinuating that if they adopted a child it would be loved less. Which might even be true for her, but that was certainly a comment that would have been better said in confidence to Leigh since he too understands how she is feeling and they fortunately have each other to grieve with.

And Alexy, clearly hurt by this, shouldn't have pushed this topic further. He should have just left to take a break from the situation because honestly, him and Candy aren't equipped to deal with this loss so freshly. Maybe Rosa and Leigh should have kept it to themselves and maybe their family for a few days and then lean on their friends. But to expect Alexy and Candy to have eloquent comforting skills through this seems unfair too. Alexy definitely should have left it alone, gotten some air, and reflected on the fact that she is deeply hurt that she lost a baby. And although well wished, the advice of "you can try again or just adopt" probably feels belittling to Rosa's feelings for the baby and overwhelming to think about since she doesn't know if she has a condition that may keep her from carrying to full term.

Alexy and Rosa are so far from the level-headed insightful people they used to be in highschool. They both are self-centered and seem like they lack the ability to empathize on a deeper level. The whole "leave the group chat" was childish. Alexy, although he has every right to be upset about the comment, should also try to keep it in context.

But whatever to that hot mess... Chani was awesome as always. And over all, I liked the episode. Just, not happy with them using the miscarriage as way to create drama.

[avoutput]

Mercy || Battle Angel Alita

Many of my manga firsts happened in my middle school library. I think the strangest aspect of their selection, looking back, is how adult some of it was. I can’t recall if there was a rating system to them, but it seemed as though there might have been a list of approved novels, but not a list of approved comics, especially foreign comics. This is how I encountered Battle Angel Alita. The misinformed education system’s ignorance was my bliss. Either that, or some crafty librarian wasn’t afraid to get fired. And in their defense, it wasn’t like the translated manga had a wide breadth of work to offer. Possibly inspired by the success of Akira in the late 80’s, the spectrum of shipped anime was limited to teen serials like Ranma, re-imagined after school shows like Robotech, hard shonen like Dragon Ball Z, and finally violent sci-fi like Sin or Kite. The 90’s American anime scene was dominated by the hyper violent, cyber punk, dystopian scene. Sometimes this would include giant robots or maybe super huge or powerful guns. But the one thing they all had in common was a connection to the fragility of life and the strength of will to sustain that life. Better than most anime of its era, Alita taps into the indomitable human spirit by taking the broken shell of a conscious being cobbled back together by goodwill and an undying belief in the power of life.

How does Battle Angel Alita stand up after being in Hollywood limbo for over 20 years? The first thing I noticed was the bones of a film that could have been made all those years ago. Despite being a computer generated tour de force, you can almost taste the practical effects they would have used all those years ago. In fact, when it comes to the character models, most of whom are computer generated to one degree or another, they so completely clear the uncanny valley, you’d think Evil Kenevil himself made the jump. Even more impressive is that many set pieces are real, tangible objects with a clarity that surpass CG juggernaut films coming from the Marvel camp. Robert Rodriguez has accumulated a talent for directing green screen reliant films from his time with the Spy Kids franchise and fine tuned the perfect mixture of real and fantasy with films like Predators and Planet Terror, both on completely different ends of the spectrum. I can’t think of the last time I was this impressed, but I had mixed to low expectations going in, just to give you a balance.

While the backdrop helped drive the film, the acting really took it home. Rosa Salazar as Alita really drew me in. She was able to balance amnesia, innocence, anger, suspicion, strength, weakness and hope all while standing in the front of this incredible graphic space that wanted to pull your eyes in a million directions. It should go without saying that Christoph Waltz pulled his weight. An empathic delight in any role, even when he takes his turn as a villain in other films. His natural gravity lends strength to his other cast members. Jennifer Connelly’s character Chiren is a little more subdued than her story should allow for, but she still stands out with her signature calmness. The story doesn’t do Mahershala Ali any favors, but he still breaks through and pierces the screen with an icy, villainous stare, though he doesn’t get as much screen time as I would have liked. Keean Johnson does a fine job, but he comes off as pretty boy generic, which is really just a problem with his place in the story more than anything. Lastly, Ed Skrein as Zappa almost feels effortlessly entertaining. He really just chews up his role and plays a line between dangerous and clownish perfectly. I will be coming back to this movie for many reasons, but he is going to make it fun all on his own.

Where the movie becomes a bit muddled is in its tone. But, all good cocktails have “muddle” right in the recipe. And that is exactly what Battle Angel Alita is, a mix of Rodriguez movie making mentality. Its cheeky, gorey, funny, dark, and and totally for and not for kids. This was one of the hardest PG-13 ratings I had seen in years. Decades. I had to double check the rating when I left the theater. Back in the 80’s, the heyday of the blockbuster action-adventure film, they didn’t always have the 13 an older marker. Not necessarily because of that, but nonetheless, films that weren’t intended for children were adopted largely by them. Good examples include Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, and even Aliens (seriously click that link, it’s a 1992 Aliens toy commercial). Battle Angel fills a very similar place, although with a specific misalignment. In Jones and Busters, there is no sense of catering to younger viewers, but possibly in capturing the spirit of Japanese culture and ignoring the western barrier between adult and child, the film adopts a childlike nature in some scenes, and a literal deadly focus in others. This jarring presentation is a unlike anything I have seen in the recent past. It was like they took Terminator 2 and mixed in the Wachowskis’ Speed Racer with a hint of Spy Kids and a dash of From Dusk Till Dawn. Alita is an unbalanced cocktail of childlike wonder and violence that goes down hard, but delicious regardless. 

In a time of transition, where people are unsure of their next paycheck or where they will be in 5 years, Alita’s story offers us a beacon of light. It shows us we can be broken, changed, unable to produce in the way we used to. We can evolve, find our passage, and make change in the spirit of good. Robert Rodriguez also creates a new space for Anime fans. That Anime can be translated to the big screen, altered, and still entertaining and insightful across the border of both time and country. If you have read any of my work, you know I have a special place in my heart for the translation of video games and anime, so this really hit home for me. Like El Mariachi, From Dusk Till Dawn, and The Faculty, I will be re-watching this movie for years because of the ingenuity of everyone involved in all of these films.

~* 9/10 *~

[kcwcommentary]

VLD1x04 – “Some Assembly Required”

1x04 – “Some Assembly Required”

This is probably my least favorite episode out of the first two seasons of the show, and I don’t like saying this, but it’s because of Allura. I really don’t like her arrogance and lack of empathy in this episode. I don’t like how the narrative tries to retcon it being her plan all along to unite the Paladins through their annoyance/anger against her. It’s not that that isn’t a viable plot – it’s certainly been done in other stories – it’s that this show makes it a whiplash heel-turn at the end. If the narrative of this episode had been openly setting that up so that we viewers knew she was doing that while the Paladins themselves didn’t, it would be totally different. The suddenness of her change from being overly demanding to pointing out how the team unified as a result of her being their common (temporary) antagonist is just too narratively dissonant.

This episode isn’t anywhere near all-bad though. It gives us Shiro doing pushups in his spare time.

Allura’s first rant is that they didn’t all get to the bridge fast enough for her fake red alert. Unless she has had a meeting with the team before hand to tell them that she needs for them to be ready to go on a moment’s notice, then it’s unrealistic and unfair to then complain that they weren’t ready and waiting on their own. Realistically, there are always degrees of alert status. And no one, for their own psychological health and well-being, can remain at red alert constantly. Now, if Allura had this expectation but was eventually called out on it by another/other character(s), or if the narrative resulted in her realizing on her own that this doesn’t work, then that would be a different story. As is, the narrative is written as if she were right when she’s not.

“Coran and I have been up for hours,” Allura declares. Congratulations. You’re not currently in an active combat situation, so there is this thing called duty shifts. Maybe this is a manifestation of unrealistic American society that perpetuates the idea that a person is supposed to be working constantly to the point of absolute exhaustion, but this is not sustainable. At the very least, unless it had been established among the crew that they needed to be on duty at a certain time, complaining that they were sleeping is just wrong.

Hunk tries to call Allura out and get her to recognize the significant change the Paladins have gone through from being students on Earth to being combat pilots in a universe-spanning war. Of course, Allura doesn’t even slightly try to empathize with them.

“Negative, Number 5. I have you ranked by height,” says Coran. I think this might be one of my favorite Coran jokes. I don’t remember us ever hearing him call any of the other Paladins by number though.

The sequence of the Paladins transitioning to their Lions makes the process look ridiculous. Allura was complaining about the amount of time it took the Paladins to get to the bridge, well then what about the amount of time it takes for them to get from there to their Lions? That route/journey through the ship to get to each respective Lion is way too long and is indicative of poor engineering/ship design. Realistically, fighter pilots would be on duty near their craft, not on the bridge. And of course, this show has to make another, this time extended in duration, fat joke about Hunk.

Forming Voltron is put in terms of ill-defined feeling-like-a-team, and not a mechanical process. If that is indeed how Alfor designed and built these ships, then that is bad design. I get it, the show wants to be about teamwork and the Lions forming Voltron works as a symbol that the characters are functioning as a team. It might be written in poetics, but only being able to access higher functions of a computer system/weapon when you have well-running psychology is not realistic.

I like the call-back to “I’m a leg!” from the previous episode.

“Shiro’s the head!” Keith says aggressively. “All the time?” Hunk responds. It hurts to hear Keith being so supportive of Shiro and his position of leader, knowing that this show unceremoniously rips Shiro from that position and tosses him aside.

“Feel the bonds with your Lions. Now channel your energy into forming Voltron.” This non-defined “energy” is definitely in my list of disliked tropes in fiction. It is cheap writing wrapped in pretentiousness as if it’s profound.

Allura’s callous decision to attack the Lions without prepping them for such an assignment is bad leadership. “…and inspiring you! I believe in you, Paladins. Let fear be your guide,” she says. This is ridiculous. This isn’t how you get people to trust in you and your leadership. She’s blatantly proclaiming, all with a smile on her face and a laugh in her voice, that she wants them to feel afraid for their lives. That is a dangerously dissonant perspective for her to have. Again, if this episode was about her learning to not do these kinds of things, I could be okay with this, but the episode treats her behavior as if it’s right.

Meanwhile, Zarkon is a tyrant. Haggar is creepy. They’re cartoon villains.

The Paladins are taking a break, and Allura gets annoyed. Actual training requires breaks, but Allura acts like that’s an absurd idea. Unfortunately, the show tries to assert the idea that no one is allowed breaks through Shiro in this scene too. Ugh!

Second reference to Shiro as “the Champion.” I like that the show uses several episodes to build up to the reveal that Shiro had to fight gladiatorially to survive.

On to the training deck. First up, the protect your teammates from drone attacks. Given that Hunk is surprised that his suit can create a shield, clearly the team was not prepped for this exercise before-hand. This is not how training actually works (it’s almost like it’s become an unintentional theme with this episode). Then, the invisible maze. The maze sets up its being used in later episodes by Pidge as a defensive maneuver against attacking Galra sentries and to provide a cloaking system for the Green Lion (why she never installed a similar cloaking system on all of their Lions is baffling). I think there could have been so much more to the maze scene; it had the elements needed to actually put some character development in the episode.

Back in the Lions, nosedive. “This is an expert-level drill that you really shouldn’t attempt until you’ve been flying for years,” Coran says. If that truly is so, then, again, this is not how training works. Also, if Coran can remotely black out a Paladin’s helmet so they can’t see, then that system can be hacked; it’s a point of vulnerability for them if some outside influence can make them suddenly unable to see.

The animation sequence of Shiro and the Black Lion’s eyes and faces aligning was a really nice visual way of representing the psychic connection possible between a Lion and pilot.

Then we have the clear-your-mind scene that gives us holographic displays of what each Paladin is thinking about. This scene does some characterization work. Keith thinks most about his small home in the middle of nowhere back on Earth. Lance thinks about his family. Hunk thinks about food, which honestly is not characterization work but borders again on a fat joke. Pidge’s image of her and her brother, which at this point because of the dialog regarding that photo between Hunk and Pidge in the first episode we’re supposed to interpret as Pidge and a girlfriend, juxtaposed to Coran’s narration about not keeping secrets is sign that we’re supposed to realize what we think we know about that image isn’t correct. And Shiro is focused on the Galaxy Garrison and its space missions; his deep desire to be an explorer is so endearing! If this visualization training has been available this entire time, then this is precisely where the team’s training to form Voltron should have begun, and they shouldn’t have progressed to actually attempting to actively form Voltron until they were successful at this exercise. Working on this exercise first would have been realistic training.

“I’m just… I’m just tired, okay?” Pidge says (with really good voice acting!). And Shiro (unlike in the previous break scene) recognizes the appropriate need for a break. I so love the animation of Shiro sitting cross-legged on the floor with this look of adorable curiosity on his face about the beverage that Coran hands him. Even Coran in this scene recognizes the need for a break. But…

In walks ridiculous Allura who yells at them. That Allura was a dictator in that alternate reality in 3x04 “A Hole in the Sky” is entirely plausible given how she behaves here. Juxtaposed with Zarkon in this episode, she and he have a lot in common. If Allura had been like this for the whole show, I would not have been able to stand her.

Now to fighting the Gladiator. Shiro’s PTSD results in his going up against the Gladiator triggering traumatic memories of him fighting for his life against Galra sentries, distracting him and letting the Gladiator nearly get him. Keith comes to his defense (I love their friendship!). It’s nice that at least someone has enough interpersonal insight to be able to see that something happened to Shiro. But then Allura again. Ugh! “That combat simulator was set for a level fit for an Altean child,” she says. Several things, one, she failed to notice Shiro’s psychological distress, two, I don’t see her demonstrating she’s capable of hand-to-hand combat and thus in any way credible to critique others’ fighting skills, three, she’s being beyond arrogant here. These Paladins are humans, not Alteans, so even if that combat was what Altean children do then it still has nothing to do with what humans are capable of. A good leader would easily recognize this. And again, if this episode was about showing Allura having to grow as a leader through recognizing the capabilities and limits of this team and adjusting herself to better work with that, then the episode could have been good. But the episode never calls her out as wrong on any of this. As much as she complains that the Paladins aren’t working as a team, she herself never demonstrates herself as capable of being a team-player.

We get our first look at a Robeast in this episode. It’s just a bit, and it’s nice seeing the show being willing to pace itself with action from the antagonists given how out-of-control the show’s pacing is in the last two or three seasons of the show.

And finally, the food fight scene. “Do Earthlings ever stop complaining?” Allura asks. I don’t know about Earthlings, but Allura certainly doesn’t ever stop complaining. Shiro starts the process of calling her out on it, but unfortunately the narrative is written to make Allura right. Again, if this had been written so that we knew she was trying to get them to bond through their anger at her, then it would work better. Instead, the reveal is sudden and only here at the end, written almost more to excuse her behavior than to explain it. As is, it’s a failure of narrative structure and a disservice to Allura’s character.

[some-cookie-crumbz]

Social Foo-Pah

Social Foo-Pah Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Pairing: Kidge Summary: Continuation of a previous fic, found [here], with a special shout out of thanks to @ohwhatstheworldcometo for asking about a companion piece and being so patient while I worked on this! While Pidge attempts to avoid Keith at the celebration of Princess Maia of Firnes entering society proper, said princess and Allura have concocted a plot to get her feelings for Keith out in the open. But if there’s one things the Paladins should always remember is this: Even the best-laid plans can go completely off the rails. Standard Disclaimer: If you read and enjoy this, please give it a like/ reblog so I know if I should write more.

The grand hall of Queen Simona’s castle had been decked out in elaborate tapestries in various violet, blue and white hues. All the tapestries bore an image of a strange creature that he could only say had to be something akin to a hydra, but each head belonged to a different type of animal and was outlined in a different color. At the center of the piece, with one claw poised just beside it, was a broad sword stuck inside a stone. Keith remembered from the briefing they’d had upon arrival that the colors and insignia were representative of the new world order that Queen Simona had brought to her Firnes many years prior. He reached out with one hand and gently toyed with the tassels at the end of one of the tapestries. He was mildly impressed by how much had been done in so little time to get the place ready.

He heard Kolivan let out a mildly displeased huff. “Keith, please remove your hands from the tapestries. They are materials seen as pivotal to this ceremony,” He said, his tone reminding him of his younger years and getting scolded for sneaking candy bars into the grocery cart.

He rolled his eyes. “Oh please. I doubt that they’re that instrumental to what they’re doing. They look like little more than decorative pieces,” He scoffed.

“Decorative pieces they may be, but they do also serve a purpose,” Queen Simona’s voice was light with a mix of amusement and delight as she approached, the soft click of her heels echoing in the otherwise vacant room. Both Blade members flinched and turned to face her as she approached, Shiro and another lumbering figure a few paces behind her.

“For years, under the tyranny of Queen Maura, our people suffered greatly. She kept them hidden in a fog of false feelings using her powers, keeping them from feeling discomfort over the things she was doing. These tapestries are the insignia that the rebellion Queen Simona led was represented by. They have become a symbol of courage and perseverance to our people,” The tall man behind her said, reaching into a pocket of his coat and pulling out a small bottle. He squeezed a pale blue liquid into one eye, causing Keith to realize that eye was unnaturally glossy.

“I didn’t realize that it held such significance. I apologize for messing with it,” Keith said, dipping his head at her both in a sign of apology and to avoid the scolding look his superior commander was sending his way.

Queen Simona chuckled lightly and gave the man beside her a gentle slap on the shoulder. “Oh, ignore him, young one. Dom’s become a stuffy sort as we’ve grown older,” She explained, her tone light and jesting as she looked at the man in question.

The other shook his head, fixing his one good eye on her, but his lips twitched at the corners in amusement. “You’ve never been good at professionalism, Mona,”

Kolivan stepped forward, offering one hand to the man. “I take it that you are Dominic de Cortez, the head of the royal guard?” He asked.

The other nodded, his expression levelling back out, and took the outstretched hand. “Correct, I am. I take it you are the Blade member in charge of the team you’ve sent along to assist Team Voltron with this. Kolivan, yes?”

He nodded. “Yes. I was hoping to do a debriefing regarding the intelligence we have, as well as discussing the knight rotation throughout the ceremony,”

“Of course. Would it be possible for your young Blade member and the Black Paladin to stay with Queen Simona while we are gone, just in case?” Dom asked, shifting to look over at Keith and Shiro.

Keith blinked a bit in surprise before nodding. “We’ll keep her safe while you’re gone,” He vowed. Queen Simona herself scoffed a bit and shook her head, mumbling something under her breath, but she waved the two older men off with one hand. Keith glanced at her uneasily. “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, Your Highness.”

She perked up in surprise before shaking her head. “I apologize. My problem is more with Dominic treating me as if I am still a child. I led a rebellion, by the graces; I think I can protect myself about some spoiled Galran prince and his lackeys if needed,”

“His generals and he are extremely competent fighters, actually. We’ve encountered them enough times to know they are not a force to be underestimated. That’s part of the reason you invited us here, after all; concern over his growing forces being enough to twist Princess Maia to sway to his demands,” Shiro commented before turning his attention to the tapestry. He reached out and touched one of the heads, the silhouette reminding him of a moose. “So the insignia is symbolic of your rebellion?”

“Yes. The sword itself is a representation of myself, as I was the one that orchestrated the rebellion. Each of these heads represents the family beast of each of my seven advisers. The one you are looking at is actually the representative of Dominic,” She explained.

“So you’re a queen with advisers?” Keith asked curiously. In most of the planets they’d visited, it was either ruled by a monarch or by a small council.

“The problem with our previous governmental system,” She explained, her gaze remaining fixated on the tapestry, “was that it was a council composed of members from the same family. There was no variety in the opinions being presented, no insight into how their decisions might affect another demographic of people negatively. None of the members of the council had lived an experience particularly different from the others, so there was no deeper insight. There was also far too much trust and acclaim placed in one another due to the belief that family would always look out for one another; this factor was how Queen Maura was able to rise and snuff out any voice that spoke out against her. For almost all my years of combat, my seven advisers have been by my side. They have helped me to grow as a person and offered me other avenues I would not have considered before. They have disagreed with me and corrected my path when necessary. I have trust in their judgment of myself, as well as trust in my judgment of them, so our system has worked out as well as any system designed by a creature that is not of a celestial status could. All of them have the ability to veto my ideas, and new policies are not put in place without every adviser having a say in what works and if any modifications are necessary.”

“That seems to be quite sound for your people. But I thought that your empathic abilities were how you governed?” Shiro asked.

“The old system lied much more heavily on the abilities of those like myself than the system I’ve designed does. My powers are used more as a clarification point, really. There have been officials and nobles that come with complaints, claiming to be looking out for their fellow man, only to reveal they have disingenuous intentions once I am able to ascertain their deeper emotions,” She said.

“So you’re less a queen and more a ruling lie detector, only with a deeper scope and higher point of accuracy,” Keith said.

Shiro flushed and cast him an annoyed glance. “Keith! That’s an incredibly rude way to put it!” He chided before looking back over at Queen Simona, whom had taken to laughing politely into her hand at the exchange. “I apologize for him. He’s not always the best when it comes to other people.”

“It is quite fine, Black Paladin. I appreciate the curiosity you and the others have exhibited since being here, as well as seeing how you tie things to your own culture for a better understanding. Knowledge can be a pivotal weapon you can use to your advantage; especially in regards to those you are allied with. I could send one of these along with you on your travels, if you’d like,” She offered, gently patting the tapestry once more before looking at both men.

“I’d appreciate one, thank you,” Shiro agreed, offering her a small smile. He opened his mouth to say something else but the large double doors of the grand hall opened and the three turned to face the smaller figure entering. “Oh, Pidge. Shouldn’t you be looking after Princess Maia with Allura, in the garden?”

Pidge tensed up and froze, her eyes locking on Keith. He perked up and cast her an almost sheepish look. She scoffed and looked over at Shiro and Queen Simona again. “I was wondering if there were any other duties you thought I’d be well-suited for. Like, maybe helping set up surveillance equipment or something,” She said quickly.

Queen Simona’s brow knit in concern. “Did something transpire between yourself and young Maia? She’s an excitable sort and has a bad tendency of occasionally speaking without thinking first,” She said gently, beginning to cross the room over to her.

“I may be the Green Paladin, but I’m not much of a nature fanatic,” She said quickly.

“She’s right about that; she’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, and can hack or repair almost anything,” Keith chimed in, trying to offer her a small smile.

She pointedly ignored him. “I’d be more comfortable doing something regarding technology,” She insisted, her own gaze falling to tiled floors beneath her.

“Of course, Green Paladin,” Queen Simona said before reaching over to a small speaker beside the doors. She clicked the little red switch on it and leaned closer. “Giselle, will you send one of your assistants to help lead the Green Paladin down to assist you in preparing the monitoring devices for this evening?” She made sure to flip the switch all the way down after her words, most likely opening the channel to whom she was addressing.

There was a brief pause filled with static noise before another voice responded, “I already have plenty of help. The elderly Altean gentleman is quite… enthusiastic about partaking in every element of our preparation.” The woman’s voice was tight, as if she was barely restraining herself from losing it, and filled with forced enthusiasm.

“The Green Paladin is a technological thinker as well, but a bit more subdued in personality compared to your current companion. View her as more of an assistant to help with reining in the talent you are currently accompanied with, if you’re so obliged,” Simona suggested.

She had barely flicked the switch down to open the channel before Giselle was heard shouting, “One of you go collect the Green Paladin from the grand hall this instant! She is going to be of great help to us!”

“Thank you, Giselle,” Simona said with a small laugh.

“No, thank you and thank the Green Paladin, my Queen,” She said before there was the click of her end going silent again.

With another small shake of her head, Queen Simona turned the device off. “I hope you don’t mind my having to present the situation the way that I did to Giselle. She tends to be very particular about how she takes care of the devices we implement around here. She barely even lets her own personally trained assistants do more than run errands and double-check readings,” She explained.

“Pidge tends to be that way when she’s working on a big project, too,” Shiro commented, hoping to ease some of the tension lingering still. Keith was watching Pidge like a hawk, occasionally shifting as if he wanted to catch her attention, and she, in response, was making sure to keep her face turned away from him. The silence between them was stifling, which was strange considering who it was he was talking about, and it had him a bit concerned. He knew there’d been some kind of argument between them during Keith’s last brief stint on the Castle of Lions, but neither of them would elaborate further than that.

The Green Paladin shifted, moving to head back out the doors. “Thank you, Queen Simona. I’ll wait outside for my escort then,” She said as she shifted to back out.

“I’ll wait with you,” Keith said, starting to approach the doors.

“I can take care of myself. And I’m sure you have your orders from the Blade,” She snapped quickly before storming out, ignoring how the young man visibly flinched at her words.

“Oh, my,” Simona mumbled, looking back over at the crestfallen Blade member. She then glanced over at Shiro, noting the worried frown on his face. “I take it that there is some kind of strain between the two of you?”

Keith perked up then glared off to the side. “It’s… It’s her problem, not mine. If she wants to be petty and hold a grudge, that’s her choice,” He grumbled before turning and heading to check the rest of the room, to assure that things were secure.

The two leaders exchanged looks before Shiro shrugged. “We should avoid getting involved. These two can be kind of… Stubborn, to put it lightly. And they tend to shut down if they feel like they’re being poked and prodded. If we can keep them apart until I can talk with them and diffuse the situation, I’d appreciate it,” He explained quietly.

“I understand. I’ll have them assigned to opposing areas in the grand hall tonight,” She agreed, offering him a small smile to help reassure him. He nodded his head in gratitude and looked over at Keith again, hoping that things could be blown over easy once they had time to address them.

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The hustle and bustle of the party ended up being much larger than expected, creeping from outside the walls of the castle and trickling into the city streets. It seemed that the whole capital – maybe even the entire planet! – was celebrating in some way for the young princess. The city streets were decked out with smaller, paper versions of the fabric tapestries, hanging from strings looped between the lampposts lining the city. The denizens were all dressed in their best outfits, wearing the same colors of the tapestries, singing and chanting the songs of the people.

Queen Simona insisted that the windows and balcony doors be left open, as it allowed the natural air circulation to keep the castle cooled, so there was a Blade member stationed at each entrance, ducked out in the shadows and keeping a watch for any suspicious activity. Members of the rebellion were intermingled in the crowd both in the castle and in the streets, monitoring for any sign of Lotor or his generals.

Allura herself was poised close to the end of the staircase where the royal family would be making their arrival from. Standing at the other end was Hunk, looking around pensively, anxious over potential missing any hint that something could be going wrong. She did a quick scan to double check where the two in her plans were present. Pidge was stationed beside one of the inner doors to a balcony, chatting amicably with the Firnesian guard stationed alongside her. A decent space away, back over by the main entrance, was Keith, most likely receiving his orders from Kolivan. She made a mental note to keep track on him, in specific, to guarantee the plan she and Maia had come up with could be followed. She then turned her attention to the top of the spiral stairs as the orchestra started up a much softer, gentler song.

At the top of the staircase stood Queen Simona, Maia and another woman beside her. The other woman seemed to be about the same age as Queen Simona, with inky hair that had been curled and teased, the strands bouncing mere centimeters above her bare shoulders. She was wrapped in a strapless violet gown with a white sash around her waist and matching gloves that reached her elbows. She leaned over to Maia, carefully tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear, her eyes warm with affection as she spoke quietly to her. There was a resemblance in the two, in the curve of their faces and shape of their eyes, though the older woman’s eyes were stormy blue-grey. The younger woman was rocking back and forth on her feet, looking up at both she and Simona in barely contained delight, the long edges of her pearl gown skimming along the plush rug below her.

Simona dipped her head to say something, pressing a small kiss to her forehead, before taking a deep breath and reaching towards a small marble pillar beside her. The marks on her own arms almost seemed to be glowing in the celebratory lights. Atop a cushion was what seemed to be a silver choker of some sort, with small droplet-sized stones embedded in it, as well as a long strip of a velvety looking fabric. Queen Simona raised the fabric and offered it to the woman beside her, then carefully picked up the ornate necklace. “Thank you, to every single person in attendance for this moment. It is an honor to see so many coming out to share this moment with our beloved Maia,” She said, pausing to flash a gentle look at the young heiress before her.

The crowd before them erupted into a delighted cheer, boosted as those on the outside joined in as well.

She smiled and dipped her head. “As is customary for a young one’s official entrance into society, here before her newfound peers and equals, she shall be given a family heirloom and have her hair styled by her parentage. For her family heirloom, she shall receive the chain of truth, as customary of an empath with her skill and prowess,” She explained before glancing at the other woman.

“And, for her hair style, she shall have it styled in a simple braid with the cloth in my hand. The fabric is soft yet sturdy, the braid practical and humble, as these are the attributes she will be wise to remember as she continues down the path of adulthood,” She said, pausing to again tuck another rebel lock of hair behind the princess’ ear.

The crowd cheered the whole time as the black haired woman twisted and tied her hair off into the aforementioned braid, and then when Queen Simona carefully clicked the clasp of the necklace into place, the fit snug enough that it wouldn’t dangle but also loose enough that it shouldn’t inhibit her ability to breath, eat or speak. Once she was finished with the ceremonial parts, she received a peck to each cheek from each of her parents, then turned and slowly made her way down the steps. Once she reached the end, the thunderous excitement in the crowd seemed to miraculously reach greater heights, the collection swarming upon her to congratulate and greet her proper. Hunk shifted and took his position beside her, serving as a personal guard in case anyone got too grabby or enthusiastic.

It was quite some time before things settled down enough for Allura and Hunk to swap posts, the Yellow Paladin offering her a relieved smile before slinking off to find himself something to drink and eat. She offered him a small wave before her attention shifted back to her enthusiastic ward, bright-eyed and fidgeting in her giddiness, Squire poised on her shoulder. This left the young Altean a bit bemused, as she hadn’t seen the little Heelaw anywhere prior to that point. “Is this Keith person in attendance?” She asked eagerly, gently taking hold of the taller woman’s upper arm.

“He is. He should be over by the balcony right now, speaking with Kolivan, the leader of the Blade,” She said, guiding them towards where they were. She opted against adding that, upon seeing his approach, Pidge had ducked and disappeared into the crowd.

“Excellent! What kind of person is he? From what little I could glean from Pidge’s emotions, he seems to be someone deserving of her adulation,” She asked eagerly.

“Well,” Allura trailed nervously, her eyes darting through the crowd in the hope of locating Pidge, “he’s a bit abrasive, but he has a good heart. He’s a lot like her, in the sense that they both like their privacy, which is probably why they get along so well.”

Maia hummed thoughtfully, lifting one hand to wave eagerly when Kolivan and Keith spotted their approach from the corner of their eyes. She carefully detangled herself from Allura once they reached them, taking the second to offer a polite bow to them. “Greetings, both of you. I have wanted to offer a proper thank you for your assistance in securing our home for this evening in person,” She said.

Kolivan offered a small smile and imitated her bow. “It is our pleasure, Your Highness,” He said.

Maia nodded before glancing over at Allura. “Blue Paladin, would you be so kind as to see if one of the other Paladin’s would be willing to do a guard post swap with you? I’m sure you’re rather tired of following me along and I’d love the chance to speak with each of you in turn,” She said happily.

“Of course,” Allura said, hoping that her smile and tone didn’t sound too stiff. This was the request they had agreed upon in order for their plan to work. Pidge wouldn’t be able to escape being around Keith if it was for the sake of the mission. And Shiro had made it clear that each Paladin take a turn guarding the princess herself. With everyone scattered as they were, none of them should notice how brief her stint beside the princess actually was.

It was a rather impressive plan, Allura had to admit.

“You two are okay with looking after her in the meanwhile, right?” Allura asked, waving lightly before scampering off without even waiting for the answer.

Keith made a vague noise of approval, lifting his head to size Maia up properly. She didn’t miss how his gaze lingered on the markings of her power on her arms. “You have the same marks on your arms as the queen,” He commented.

Maia beamed at him and nodded, lifting one hand to gently stroke one of Squire’s chubby cheeks with her finger tip. “This is the sign that, just like Mother, I have the powers of empathy. These marks are the indicator that I can channel another person’s energy through myself and translate what their feelings are. For now, I’m still in training, but so long as the person I am doing a reading on is thinking of a specific subject or person, I can get a rather precise reading of them. Would you like me to prove as much?” She kept her smile and tone bright, betraying nothing of her gambit, as she offered one hand to the young Blade member. Sensing what was to happen, Squire carefully hopped from his perch and scurried off to pilfer some treats from the food stand.

He eyed her hand cautiously before taking it. At first, she was unable to pick up anything specific, other than that he felt uncomfortable and crowded in the current setting. “So, what exactly should I do?” He asked.

“Think about someone or something specific, so I can get a proper reading on what you feel,” She mused lightly, closing her eyes and beginning to actively probe. For a while it was just foggy and vague, but then he seemed to hone in on a subject. On the surface, he was riddled with confusion and frustration. Something was putting a wedge between he and the subject but he wasn’t sure what. Underneath that, there was fear and betrayal; the fear and betrayal both stemming from a belief that he was, or had been, replaced. There was also a sense of confusion as to what, exactly, his feelings for this person actually were, but the falsehood of that emotion was easy to piece together with a little more probing. Beneath the confusion, in a part of him that may be subconscious, there was a sense of fear over conflicting feelings towards them. On one hand, it seemed that Keith wanted to spend more time with this person and reach out to them, to be transparent with one another. The fearful part of him, though, reared its head like a charge animal and snarled fierce that it would be fruitless.

He felt this person was important to him but also felt he wasn’t important to them in the same way.

Maia slowly opened her eyes to look at Keith, a sense of dread settling into her belly. He clearly had a deep affection for whomever he was thinking about, which could end up sabotaging the plans that she and Allura had. It, she realized, could end up breaking the Green Paladin’s heart. She knew she’d be unable to keep the truth to herself; after all, in this situation, she’d want to know the truth herself. She slowly opened her eyes and fixed her gaze on him, her brow knitting slightly. “Are you sure you don’t know what these feelings you have are?” She asked quietly, her voice just above a whisper.

His eyes widened at her words, indigo eyes shifting from her to whoever he was looking at, panic clear as day.

“Oh, calm down. I’m not here to pick a fight,” Pidge grumbled as she approached, holding two fluted glasses. She offered one to Maia before taking a small sip of her own. “Hmm. Not half bad for an alien punch.”

Maia didn’t even try to hide the smile that turned up on her lips, looking from Keith to Pidge happily. She could tell by how tense he got that he knew that she knew it was the Paladin he’d been gawking at during her reading. She tightened her grip on his hand, sensing that he planned to politely sneak it away and try to flee. She took a sip of her drink before offering it to Kolivan. “Would you be so kind as to hold this for me for a moment?”

He looked a touch confused but nodded, carefully taking the flute from her. With her hand freed, she turned her attention back to Keith and Pidge. “You two seem to be having some kind of difficulty in your relationship, I hear,” She said calmly, trying to take advantage of Pidge’s distracted state to get a hold of her other hand.

The other was quick, though. Her gaze shifted from Maia, looking ready to tear into her for trying to involve herself, before her eyes locked on Keith’s hand still clutched by the princess. She shifted, moving to take a step back in preparation for her escape. “Whatever you’re trying to do, don’t!” She seethed lowly.

“This is going to be a good thing, I promise!” Maia huffed back, determined, and seized up the other’s wrist instead. The grip wasn’t ideal, but it would work well enough. “Just let me help you!”

“I don’t need any help with this!” Pidge snapped back.

“Yes, you do!” Maia yelled back, tightening her grip and kicking up her power on accident. If she wasn’t focused on her targets, then her ability to channel was a bit off-kilter, as she had learned many times before. If she was too focused on one, all that happened was a one-way transfer of the most basic reading of emotion. Keith and Pidge both visibly froze as they realized what was happening, the odd warm sensation that Maia’s powers caused coursing through both of them and laying everything at their feet.

Well, at one of theirs feet; specifically, Pidge’s feelings at Keith’s feet.

It was a whole minute of silence before Maia was able to compose herself enough to try and correct the flow of the channel, but it was also enough time for Pidge’s brain to catch back up with what was happening. At first, in her shock and horror and embarrassment, she dropped her drink, the glass shattering on the polished tile with the sound of a warning alarm blaring. Conversations around them died down significantly, eyes turning to gawk at them, and the embarrassment and horror grew stronger in Pidge as she looked around frantically. She yanked free of the other young woman’s grasp and staggered back a few steps. “What did you do?” She shouted, clutching her hand to her chest as if she’d been hurt.

She was more just yelling because she didn’t know what else to do, what else to say.

Maia shrunk in a bit, holding her own hands up defensively. An anxious glance around showed that a much wider circle of intrigue had been made, growing as the commotion itself grew louder. “I-It’s okay, Green Paladin, this is an easy fix. Just let me open the channel the other way and it’ll all make sense,” She insisted, trying to calm the other back down.

“Pidge,” Keith said suddenly, his voice quiet and somber, both women turning to face him.

Pidge’s eyes widened a bit at how he watched her, with eyes that were soft and gentle with what she could only label as pity. Her stomach roiled in discomfort, her face growing hotter with a shameful flush. She said nothing before turning and darting towards the double doors leading out of the grand hall. “Ah, Pidge, wait!” Maia called, moving to go after her. She then stopped and wheeled around to pin Keith with a displeased scowl. “Why did you have to do that?”

He blinked, bewildered, then scowled in return. “Excuse me? You’re the one who used her weird powers to do whatever it is you just did!” He accused.

Maia opened her mouth to respond when she heard an intrigued hum from behind her, familiar and chilling, and instead clamped her mouth shut. “Yes, Maia, what did you do, hmm?”

She slowly turned, lifting her gaze to meet the disapproving frowns of her parents. “Momma… Mother,” She said uneasily, her gaze shifting from each of them in turn.

“What’s going on over here? Is everything okay?” Shiro asked as he walked over, Coran and the other Paladins a few steps behind him. Keith noted that Allura bore a similar look on her face as Princess

“This is my fault,” Maia said quietly, wringing her hands uneasily. She glanced over at Keith, who still seemed surprised and muddled about what had happened. “I meant to do a transference of emotion between the two of them, in hopes of opening the channel of communication between them to discuss their mirrored emotional conflicts, but it didn’t go well. She seemed to know that something was going to happen and tried to run off but I wouldn’t let her. I only ended up transferring Pidge’s emotions to Keith. And she was far from happy about that and ran off.”

“Maia, you know you aren’t supposed to be using that technique yet. You haven’t gained a high enough level of control to complete the transfer properly; especially in a situation where you yourself are not completely composed,” Queen Simona said, her tone firm but otherwise composed.

“I’m so sorry about all of this,” The other queen said as she turned to the Paladins and two Blade members, seeming a bit frantic over it all.

“It’s not your fault, Queen Adalyn,” Shiro said.

“Especially since I doubt she was acting alone, Your Highness,” Coran chimed, casting a firm glance over his shoulder at Allura. The other jumped a bit in surprise before glancing down at where she was tapping the tiles on the floor with the toe of her Paladin boot.

“I just wanted to help, but I’ve only made things worse,” Maia mumbled softly.

Queen Simona sighed and looked over at Shiro. “I apologize for this, sincerely,”

“I’ll see if I can’t get her to come back. She should still have the communication device on her helmet switched on,” He explained with a small sigh, shifting away to try and reach her.

While he did that, Keith turned to look over at the other Paladins. “Poor Pidge. She must be really embarrassed,” Hunk said worriedly.

Keith opened his mouth to say something when Lance snorted. “Well, can you blame her? Who wouldn’t be embarrassed about having a crush on Keith?”

“Lance!” Allura seethed, pinning him with a glare.

“What? I’m just telling the truth!” He argued.

“She isn’t answering the comms. Which means she’s either turned the comms off, or removed her helmet,” Shiro said with a small sigh.

Simona nodded. “I’ll get in touch with Giselle. Her cameras should grant her a full reign of the territory of the castle. So long as she hasn’t gone running into town, we should be able to track her down,” She said, carefully lifting the skirt of her dress to head off. She briefly glanced at the shattered glass and drink on the floor, thankfully unperturbed since its fall. “And I’ll see about having that cleaned up, to avoid any potential slips or injuries.”

“I’ll go with you,” Shiro insisted politely. He paused briefly to stick the remaining three Paladins and Blade rookie with a stern look. “And I expect the rest of you to stay put; especially you two, Keith, Allura. We’re going to put this matter to bed the minute we find Pidge.” And, with that, he turned and followed after the queen to begin the search.

“Ugh, this is so unfair!” Lance whined, tilting his head back and setting one hand on his hips.

“I truly am sorry, to all of you. I hadn’t meant to cause this evening to go this way,” Maia chimed again, her whole figure slumped in defeat.

Hunk tried to offer her a reassuring smile, gently patting one of her shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay. We’ve all made mistakes at big, celebratory gatherings like this,” He said.

Keith turned away from them, his gaze flickering to the balcony in longing. Would stepping out there be against Shiro’s orders? Did he even have to really listen to Shiro, considering he was no longer an official member of Team Voltron? Kolivan offered him the untouched flute of punch that Maia had given him a few minutes before. “Take a moment to clear your head out there. If Shiro returns before you, I’ll inform him I ordered you to do a quick check for any intruders out there,” He said evenly.

“Thanks,” Keith said, unable to muster up a smile but hoping that the gratitude still made it through. After receiving a quick nod of acknowledgement, he slipped past the gently billowing curtains and out into the brisk night air. He stepped out until he reached the stone railing of the balcony. Once there, he rested one arm against the railing to lean out and see the gardens better. They’d been lit by floating paper lanterns and cast an almost ethereal glow on the fauna below. Though, he realized, that perhaps that was simply because this world really was drastically different than Earth, even with all the similarities?

Sometimes he wasn’t sure, what with how much traveling they did through space. He typically left debates like that to Pidge. Whenever he’d encountered something like this before, he could say it outright to her, and for the next hour or two, she would be off. She would take what he was pondering and take it to new heights and levels of intrigue that he’d never consider on his own. Sometimes he’d lose track of what she was saying or how she’d gotten to the tangent she was on, but it was nice, just listening to her wax poetic-science about the specifics of his queries.

He took a quick sip of his drink, humming a bit at the taste. It reminded him of spiced apple cider.

He wondered if Pidge would agree with him on that thought. They’d once argued about whether the Gugu Juice from the planet of Yasarut tasted like blueberries and pomegranate or blackberries and pomegranate. He took another sip and turned the thought over, analyzing his relationship with Pidge and how he appreciated the natural simplicity of it. There was no need to try and present himself in a specific light with her. He could let the walls down and simply toss out any random thought he had without the risk of scrutiny or mockery.

He didn’t have to be Keith, the rejected Garrison cadet known for being a loner.

He didn’t have to be Keith, the ace pilot and ex-Paladin of Voltron.

He didn’t have to be Keith, the rebellious Blade of Marmora rookie.

He could just be Keith, no pretense or context.

He took another sip and fought back a sigh. In the end, developing feelings for Pidge made sense, the more he thought about it. Very few of the people he’d encountered ever allowed him to be so authentically himself before. His father had, within reason, of course; and, in the same vein, so did Shiro. Pidge never expected Keith to be or do more than he ever felt comfortable with. There was something about the ease of their relationship that felt like the first gulp of water after traversing the desert for many hours. But, with that freedom came the stifling fear that Keith would lose her just like he lost everyone that ever meant so much to him before. So he stashed his feelings under layers of fear and befuddlement, as a way to never have to acknowledge or act upon them.

That, he realized, wasn’t going to work anymore, though. Knowing the thoughts that were rattling around in Pidge’s head cleared things up for him. He know understood why she’d been so hostile about the scar he’d gotten from his latest Blade mission. The situation at current was far from ideal for either of them, but it left him feeling a need to face the truth wholeheartedly. Even if she ended up telling him off, proclaiming that it was just a crush and he was reading too much into it, he still wanted to have that conversation. He didn’t want to keep lying about his own stance on it, regardless of how much it would hurt to be rejected. He noticed motion across the garden from himself, by a large tree near the small waterfall.

There, huddled in close to herself, sat Pidge. Her helmet had rolled a few feet away and her face was hidden between her knees and crossed arms.

He stole a glance over his shoulder and, upon confirming that Kolivan was preoccupied with talking with Queen Adalyn, set his half-downed flute down on the balcony and hopped over the railing.

It wasn’t a particularly steep drop, and even then Keith had been smart about going down in stages to avoid injury. He navigated himself carefully, managing to make it to the small bridge in decent time and coming to a halt right after he crossed it. He could still see Pidge’s figure, but he could see her better now. The slight shake of her shoulders told him that she was either trying to fight back tears or was simply trying to mask that she’d surrendered. Approaching her now would most likely end with her cursing him out and threatening to tazz him with her bayard, depending on how he decided to go about it.

He took a deep breath before taking the final few steps towards her, stopping when there was a wide enough girth between them that she should – hopefully – feel unthreatened. “I’m sorry,” He blurted without thinking. She stilled and tensed, one of her hands shifting towards her face. He waited a moment longer, but when she didn’t start talking or move to run away, he decided to press things further. “And, I mean… I know that it isn’t ideal, but it could be worse. It could be Lance that you have a crush on.” He offered.

Her head shot up at that and he froze under the incredulous look on her face.

“Okay, bad example, I should have thought about that better,” He admitted, holding his hands up defensively, “but I think my main point is still kinda fair. I mean, I get it. I’m not the guy people think of when they think about people to have a crush on. And, yeah, that’s something I can totally understand. I know who I am and… I can understand why it’d be embarrassing to have an interest in someone like me. I’m not exactly good with people, and I’m way too impulsive, but I just… I wanted to say that I feel something like that for you, too. And I’m not really sure what caused you to end up liking me like that, but I’m really sorry that you’ve had to deal with those feelings.”

“What?” Pidge asked with a small laugh, carefully unfurling herself and cocking her head. The laugh had been mirthless and there was confusion on her face, which at least helped to soothe him a bit. She wasn’t being malicious about it, at least.

“That’s why you ran off, and I understand,”

“Why do you think I ran off?” She asked curiously, slowly pushing herself upright. He couldn’t read the look in her eyes as she settled on her feet and something about it made him uneasy.

Transparency with one another was kind of their thing. Or, rather, he’d always considered it to be there thing.

“Because you were embarrassed about having a crush on me,” He said bluntly, as if it should be absolutely obvious.

She shifted and began to walk towards him. “Well, you’re half right,” She said calmly. She stopped a few feet from him, brow knitting in confusion. She glanced briefly at the waterfall, nibbling a bit on her lower lip like she always did when she was turning over a confusion thought, then looked back up at him. “What did you get from Princess Maia, exactly?”

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I got that you have a crush on me, that you’re mad at me, that you were embarrassed and horrified about the whole crush thing-!”

“Wait, what?”

“I could literally sense your feelings because of Maia, Pidge; you don’t need to pretend,” He said, wincing a bit and averting his gaze. This whole thing was starting to enter the point of discomfort and, not for the first time, he found himself cursing his impulsive nature.

“Is that what you thought those feelings were about?” She asked, and this time when she laughed it felt a bit more genuine.

He screwed his eyes shut, not wanting to look back at her. “Well, excuse me for piecing things together with what I had! You don’t need to make fun of me because of it!”

“Look, Keith, you’re-!”

“I already know what you’re going to say, Pidge! I only came over here so that I could say my piece so that we could move forward from this!” He snapped, still refusing to open his eyes. He felt like if he looked at her, if he saw the mocking delight that he was sure was in her face, their relationship could never resume any sense of what they’d had before. He didn’t want to lose Pidge as a friend, didn’t want to lose that easy companionship. He could pushing his feelings up the hill to get over them if they were out in the open, he was sure, but he wasn’t sure if he could if he saw the jeering look on her face.

But then there was a set of suit-covered hands on his cheeks, the warmth of her palms still managing to reach him through the material. His eyes snapped open and he finally turned to face her. There was no malice or mockery in her eyes, surprising as that was. She looked a little exasperated, but there was something softer paired with him, something he was a bit too scared to name. Her hands slide down, sliding from either side of his face to either side of his neck.

He could feel his own pulse thrumming like made, as if his blood was kerosene touched by a lit match.

Pidge shifted, pressing herself up on tip-toes and looping her arms around his shoulders. Her head just skirted past his, shifting to rest her head against the side of his. “I was embarrassed because I didn’t want you to know how I felt yet; not because I was embarrassed about how I felt, you doof,” She said with a small laugh. She gave him a small squeeze. “I ran off because the way you looked at me after the transfer… It looked like you were pitying me.”

He blinked then, slowly so she could stop him if she wanted to, looped his arms around her as well, settling his hands between her shoulder blades and the middle of her back respectively. “It was pity, but not directed at you; it was just pity that we’d both had kinda similar feelings and had wasted a lot of time not talking about it. Why didn’t you want me to know yet?”

“Because… It’s complicated, you know? It’d be complicated if we decided to pursue a relationship, and it’d be complicated if we decided not to, and just… I didn’t want to have to deal with it. At least not yet,” She said quietly, slumping a bit. He could tell she was feeling exhausted by the events, which was unsurprising. He was feeling pretty worn out himself.

“We could find a way. I mean, find a way to make it a little less complicated,” He mumbled, closing his eyes a bit.

She let out a small hum and he quashed the disappointment at how disbelieving it sounded. “I’m not so sure,”

“But can we at least try? Try to figure something out?” He pressed quietly.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Yes? Let me think for a little bit, okay?” She prompted, seeming just as thrown as he was. But he was fine with that, he figured. Perhaps they could as Queen Simona to help them figure out their compromise before they left.

[modernapathy-project]

Modern Apathy

Before starting, I do want to clarify that this is gonna be a purely reflective essay that is not meant to directly put blame on any specific group or person, but instead try to come up with answers for what might have caused modern apathy. It’s going to be a way to express the thoughts that run through my mind and the conclusions that I have come to, which many people might disagree with, which is also absolutely fine. With this project, my goal is to make people wonder about this issue. It doesn’t have to be a complex thought experiment or anything like that; my goal is to share my thoughts with people and maybe even start a discussion, as I am open to changing my opinions and thoughts. I think the best way to start a change is to first gently introduce people to the concept, without being too aggressive or forceful about it. It could be seen as a way to raise awareness about an issue that is quite difficult to tackle from an objective point of view, and it might read as more of a rambling text rather than a proper, MLA style essay. I do want this essay to have an intimate, more human feeling to it, which is why I will be using the pronouns “I” and “We”. I don’t think an objective, robotic essay would be very effective at making people connect with me.

Modern apathy 

According to the Merriam-Webster website, apathy can be defined as “lack of feeling or emotion” or a “lack of interest or concern”. I have personally witnessed this phenomena in various shapes and forms, and have been an accomplice in it. Nowadays, most apathy doesn’t take the form of a war or a hate crime, as we as a society have managed to create societal movements to fight against these, even if things are still not completely solved. Instead, apathy finds its way by dressing itself as a sheep of positivity when it is in fact a wolf. We see hashtags tied to important movements being used as a pure aesthetic choice, a decoration, which people use to give their unrelated selfies some sort of validity. We see people taking smiling pictures in a tragic place such as the National September 11 Memorial & Museum, using such a tragic incident as a nice background. We see people joining societal movements not to empathize and create change, but to actively create conflict and negativity inside the movement itself. We see people monetizing and creating a show out of the death of a relative. This is modern apathy, an invisible parasite that corrupts and kills everything it touches, and manages to infect all of us. 

To understand what might have given birth to this disease, we have to go back in history. Contrary to what the old generations often think, young people are not to blame for this phenomena. It’s not the fault of videogames, drugs, sex or alcohol. We can observe the birth of modern apathy in tragic events such as the Columbine High School massacre, in which Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold murdered 12 students and 1 teacher. This was a highly tragic, dark chapter in American history, which made people raise questions about access to guns, youth violence and such. News outlets, instead of respecting the tragedy of this day and paying condolences to the victims in a respectful way, made a circus out of the event, and gave birth to a giant wave of outrage that turned the shooting into a show, rather than what it was, which is a massacre. Dramatic interviews and movies were made, and the news would constantly use this opportunity to shove their political agenda down everyone’s throats, regardless of their political stance. There was no attempt to genuinely understand what might have caused this, maybe a delicate approach to mental illness. Instead, this sort of aggressive approach made the two shooters, Eric and Dylan into two cultural villains whose fame took away the gravity of the situation and instead made them into tropes. They somehow ended up becoming icons for many young people that also felt as if they did not fit in school. A phenomena called “The Columbine effect” was born, which explains how the Columbine massacre inspired many more future shootings, instead of discouraging them. This is where modern apathy comes in: It came hidden as someone that wanted to stop school shootings, but it ended up causing even more by turning it into a show, instead of raising empathy and awareness.

We can observe a somewhat similar phenomena in the effect that the 9/11 event had in the muslim population. It was a highly tragic event that definitely punched a hole through the safety that many Americans felt in their country, and many lives were lost for no reason. It was sad, terrifying and I can’t even imagine the pain and terror the families of the victims went through. The way the news tackled these events, however, was shameful: Once again, they were used to promote a political agenda which ended up with rampant islamophobia that is still very much palpable in not only North America, but in other countries throughout the world as well. I have to thank my muslim friend for this insight, as she made me realize the fear muslims had to go through after these events, as they were seen as disgusting, potential murderers and still are. They still suffer from this and have to somehow prove they’re “good muslims” by constantly trying to please the media. The way this event was sensationalized caused modern apathy towards muslims.

We can see this sensationalism and apathy in other boomer-oriented shows, such as Dr Phil, in which often mentally ill or unstable individuals are invited in order to be made fun of, under the excuse of them getting help. Most of the guests in Dr.Phil often report not receiving any sort of help and just being made into a laughingstock, instead of receiving the empathy and support they need. Dr.Phil is clearly not qualified enough to help a lot of these people, and he instead turns their tragedy or pain into a show. I have even found myself enjoying this content, as it is weirdly addictive to gain validation by seeing another person who is in a worse situation than me. It is a weird addiction to Schadenfreude that does not help anyone at all. There’s other shows like How to Catch a Predator, in which they set up a trap in order to catch pedophiles. While I agree with the idea that the individuals that get caught in this show should be humiliated and incarcerated, I can’t help but feel that maybe the humorous tone of the show might take away the seriousness of the situation and fail to show how disgusting and dangerous pedophiles are.

Finally, we have social media, the ultimate source of validation. We can see many examples of modern apathy in it: The way we base people on the amount of likes they have, the way we have the need to post every single thing that happens to us online. It’s almost as if you don’t somehow record the special moment, it never happened. If you didn’t take any pictures during your trip, why does it even matter? We see stupid challenges such as the Tidepod challenge actively risking people’s lives, and they do it all for attention. We can look at the situation of Myka Stauffer, who adopted a low-functioning autistic child for views and then gave him back to the adoption agency. There is the incident of Monalisa Perez, who shot her boyfriend on the chest while he was holding a book, all for a Youtube video. He passed away. Incidents like these make you wonder about how much we can turn off our empathy purely for views and likes, to the point where we risk our own lives. 

We can also look at celebrity and sitcom culture, which force unrealistic expectations on us that then are not fulfilled, as reality is not fiction. This sort of Paris effect affects all of us and makes us think we are not good enough. 

With this essay, I intend to express my thoughts in a clear way, and open a discussion to this topic, and maybe hear about what people think about this. They might have other points of view or opinions I never thought about, which I’d love to hear. I want to make people think about this, as that’s the best way to plant a seed of change. 

[lamgrace1993]

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I Had An Affair How Do I Save My Marriage

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Sometimes, it even when you were first married, life was much easier.I won't tell you that I was blown away with some sisal rope wrapped around it in a manner that it is still worth saving.Seek professional help online, there are numerous examples that illustrate this fact.You and your spouse by recognizing places like this last point.The good ones and looking back to a stark realization: He pretended to give each other except on weekends.

I Want To Save My Marriage But Dont Know How

Forgiveness needs to be numbered among those people, and they can be the consequence of making things work and fun personal stories together throughout their lives.These rules and regulations on how to save your marriage.The anger and do so deep in your marriage is never a perfect marriage needs both efforts by partners to use this same person whom they vowed to remain calm and peace in your spouse?o Spend time together is obviously is not jealousy.Of course when you first get married, it's the furthest thing on your spouse.

Finally there is hurt, it's about something quite ridiculous, or over a serious conversation about the past will repeat itself over and I thought I was not easy to save your marriage.Sometimes you just have to come clean and be happy to know HOW to fix it, I was expecting.The same thing goes with males here, find something that relates to what you might need to stop divorce and keep yourself away from such kind of assumed that we'd end up getting married, it is difficult or confusing to implement.When couples have victoriously come out of which came 4 children.Loyalty is a short period of time, effort, and commitment.

[lurkingcrow]

Obi-wan shaves the beard... and no one can recognise him. Later once people finally figure out who that clean shaven, auburn haired Jedi is they continue it as part of some elaborate joke, Obi-wan doesn't know wether or not to be amused or annoyed.

[rowanfoster]

{ haley lu richardson ♔ twenty-three ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t rowan foster running around peach hollow. legend has it, she comes from tangerine towers and has lived here her entire life. if you’re wondering what she’s been up to, i hear she’s a make up artist / freelance musician for a living. she has been known to be impulsive yet insightful. a word of advice to her, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching.

why yes, it is i, admin kim, with another character that should’ve been kept in the drafts of my mind. if you’ve not met daysia or serenity, here’s a lil low down on me. i’m 26, i use she/her pronouns, and live on the east coast. i thrive on writing angst and my animal crossing villagers being happy. also caffeine. i luv chris klemens. most likely to have a mental breakdown on twitter. meet rowan! trigger warnings for mental illness, bipolar disorder specifically, and inpatient treatment

have a playlist and a pinterest board dedicated to her

rowan celeste foster was born may 27th, 1996. she’s the oldest of two, a baby sister coming to the scene in 1999.

her family is extremely close. they’ve been in peach hollow their whole lives. she grew up in a crowded house on blueberry boulevard, crammed in with her mother, father, sister, maternal grandmother and maternal grandfather. rowan never knew peace or privacy growing up – it just wasn’t possible with that many people which has really contributed to her somewhat isolated adulthood

her mother is a charge nurse at peach hollow general, working on the emergency room floor. her father is a retired car salesman. her grandparents moved into the house when her sister was born in order to help take care of the girls while their parents worked full time. rowan is especially grateful for their care, because she feels like she’d be a little more sour had she been raised by absent parents.

growing up, she shared a room with her younger sister. they told each other everything because they had no choice not to. they both developed an interest in make up and music at very young ages, but rowan particularly took to those things while maci took more interest in sports. when rowan was gifted her first ukulele at age 6, maci got her first basketball. they are polar opposites, but maci was the only person rowan really confided in as a child and an adolescent.

she’d always been rather moody. tantrums and fits were nearly unavoidable. her self esteem lacked before she even had a chance to develop any confidence. she was always the try hard, the girl who stood out because she was just a little different, the emotional one, the one the other kids didn’t want to mess with, not because she’d fight back, but because she would absolutely lose it. there were countless times where rowan ended up in the guidance counselor’s office, waiting on her grandmother to show up and bring her home. that was the beginning of their problems.

her mental health really started to decline in her mid teenage years. she spent hours upon hours in her room, writing songs, playing guitar, practicing make up looks – she’d go days without sleeping and snap at anyone who crossed her path. she got into screaming matches with everyone in the house, only to find herself crying in her bed for the next few days. she started missing days at a time from school, while her artistry thrive, the rest of her crumbled. her grades, all of it.

eventually, this resulted in her parents yanking her out of peach hollow high and putting her in counseling, which lead her to a psychiatrist and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at the age of 17. while it made sense, she dreaded taking the medications. they numbed everything. her writing suffered, and while her moods weren’t swinging from the trees anymore, she feared that this empty feeling was worse.

she finished her high school diploma in homeschooling with her grandmother while maci went on to thrive in school. the attention shifted to her, and rowan couldn’t really blame them. she turned 18 and started performing in clubs, bars, and anywhere she could get in. ps her voice is a mix of bishop briggs & mary lambert. the thrill of performing to small crowds sucked her in. she began to gain an even smaller following on social media, mainly the locals following her. every once in a while she’ll book a show in atlanta and she’ll make the long drive just to sing in front of a bit of a larger crowd. she’ll gain a few followers from those shows, but this still isn’t her main source of income.

most of her money comes from the make up artistry she does through pop of peach. she doesn’t go in every day, but when someone has an event scheduled or needs their make up done for a dance or something, she’s there. she tries to spread things out bc she’s always late lmao and finds it hard to stick to a schedule

she was doing so well for a few years, even moved out of her parents’ house and into an apartment at the towers. that’s where she really found herself, made some real friends and built relationships that were good for her. however, she missed a few doctor’s appointments and was discharged from her psychiatrist’s office. she went off meds, and for a few weeks it was fine. when she ran out of meds, the next few weeks were okay as well. it was when every single drop of medication had drained from her body that things got bad.

rowan was missing appointments she scheduled at pop of peach. she was spending far too much time out at nights, giving in to alcohol for the most part. she tried not to touch any drugs, but drinking became a nightly thing. she’d perform, then spend the rest of the night partying with whoever she could find at the venue.

one night in atlanta after a particularly shaky performance, rowan found herself in a dark place and simply went into the women’s bathroom to calm down, but police say they found her laying flat on the ground, refusing to respond to anyone. she vaguely remembers the end of the manic episode, but it did land her in the emergency room for a change in mental status.

much to her chagrin, they admitted her overnight before transporting her to skyland trail, a mental health facility in atlanta. she spend about two and a half months there getting medications regulated and learning new coping mechanisms. she was discharged about two weeks ago and finally made it back to peach hollow and her apartment.

she’d lead everyone other than her family and maybe one or two other people that she was away on a musician’s retreat, but really, was in inpatient treatment.

she’s currently working full time as a make up artist at pop of peach and performing when she can, but doesn’t really go outside of peach hollow

fun facts & personality

rowan despises small talk. conversations about the weather or political climate don’t stimulate her and she gets snarky pretty easily. it isn’t that she wants to come off rude or unapproachable, but nine times out of ten, small talk is fake and she feels as though she doesn’t have the time or energy to indulge in it. ask her about the sky or some shit. she won’t shut up

she has a tendency to overshare,  aside from what’s been going on in the past few months. her lips are sealed tight about that. however, she’s open to talking about her mental health and is a big advocate for erasing the stigma. this makes rowan a very good listener and a huge supportive presence for anyone struggling. she’s the mom friend, and no matter what time of day or night, if someone says they need an ear, she’ll go to them. she knows what it’s like to be alone.

despite her past and her demons, rowan finds a way to put on a smile. it might often be snarky or sarcastic, but rarely is it insincere. she’s an empath and feels everything so very deeply, but can easily put it away when necessarily.

her apartment is her safe haven. she rarely has company. it isn’t really her thing. she prefers to go to other people’s places. she has her record collection proudly displayed on her living room wall, all the plants you can imagine, incense burning whenever she’s home, and a scottish fold munchkin cat named loonette after her favorite childhood tv show, the big comfy couch. she has hopes to get another cat named molly to match. you know, because we’re all clowns !

she takes great pride in her instagram. it sounds superficial, but often times, rowan will post a good picture and then link to her next show in hopes that somebody will come based on that. while she does have a passion for make up and a second instagram for it, ultimately, she’d like for there to come a time where she can live solely on the money she makes through music

catch her driving her old ass ford focus blaring 00s alternative, mainly fuckin paramore bc she’s heart eyes for hayley williams

wanted connections if ya made it this far!!!!

childhood friends – those who she’s known since elementary school. they’ve most likely watched her go through her many trials and tribulations in class. these could be acquaintances, close friends, or even a ride or die or two.

bullies – people who fucked with her through school. it’s essential that they’re on bad terms currently, but perhaps an enemy turned friend or romantic could be fun??

group therapy pal – this would be super fun and might entail the person finding out about her secret…. msg me for deets

exes – there will be a couple of these, gender does not matter. i’d like to find one that she was dating when she went into treatment and maybe hasn’t seen/spoken to them since they’ve been back, first love, high school sweetheart?? omg possibilities are endless

flirtationship – self explanatory, gender doesn’t matter she’s pan

any other ideas literally lmk!! thanks for reading ♥