#like i dont panic a whole lot and i can usually overcome my fears on purpose

[soaringsearingphoenix]

Okay but Re: That terrifying neighborhood post... You could still bring other people to the neighborhood. And you could do whatever you want there completely undisturbed. Plus you can walk into other "people's" empty houses and pretend you're living a completely different life. Like I get how it could be terrifying in concept but I feel once actualized it could be really entertaining.

Yes... ok that is solid, i DO love the idea of having a town to myself to just explore... but also like? The idea of having a town to explore yourself is only really cool if you know WHY it’s empty. A new town, not yet to be moved into for another week? That would be cool! A town abandoned for years and partially reclaimed by nature? VERY cool!

Edit/warning: I am about to say a lot of sort of nihilistic and paranoid things. Like, a LOT. It’s 2am and it’s time for oversharing. If you tend to make yourself nervous overthinking things (tldr thats why i find this town scary! Because, haha, i do that! Then please stop reading now! It’s a lot of text. Scroll hard lmao.)

An abandoned town is cool. A town that’s empty but by all means wasn’t supposed to be? That’s terrifying! It’s like... it’s like the polar opposite of the reason a break-in is terrifying. If someone is in your house but isn’t supposed to be there, that’s terrifying bexause it’s a breach of what you thought was your sanctuary. It’s an unlnown in your most known place. The outside world is full of surprises, but this is the place you’re supposed to have control. That’s why, though I love and cherish spiders now, finding a spider in my room still startles me! It provokes the question “how did you get here?” It is a quiet symptom of the presence of unknowns even at the heart of the familiar. It is an uninvited reminder that the universe is full of impartial watching eyes.

Discovering that your seemingly vibrant and populated is equal and opposite.

It’s opposite because it’s so... unreal. An intruder is something you think about. It’s something that has happened, and you can plan for it in advance. Things still can go wrong, sure, but you know what it is that’s happening — someone has broken in — and you can maybe assess from there.

Moving into a neighborhood to realize, at least a few days in, that something is Wrong is not something I’ve even considered to worry about until now! Sure, now that I’ve been exposed to the idea, I could formulate a course of action for that scenario, but the reason why it would work is that the family moving in wouldn’t have any clue what was about to happen to them. They would have no prior consideration to guide their next steps.

It’s opposite because it’s so... desolate. If an intruder is the unwelcome and threatening presence of an outside being, this scenario is the unwelcome and threatening absence. suddenly, there’s no one to turn to. There’s no one to ask “do you know what’s going on here?” There’s no one to go to for reassurance or support. It’s just your family.

And yet it isn’t even fully an absence, is it? Because once you realize how staged and controlled everything around you seems, you think “someone is behind this,” and then you wonder, “what are their intentions?” Why would someone do something like that — isolate you in a place where you were supposed to feel safe? Who has the power and time and resources to execute a plan like that and what else are they capable of? Did they choose you for a reason or was it at random? Are they watching you right now? What might they do to you when they realize you’ve figured it out? Does that mean they’re done with you now? Who can you even go to that would believe you, and that could do anything against someone with the capacity to do something on this scale?

It’s opposite because it’s so... overwhelming. If this happened to me I would immediately start questioning everything. Where is everybody? How many people are in on it? Is my family behind this? Are they really my family, if everything else I thought was real is just a hollow facade? Has this happened before and I never noticed? Were there people here once ans something happened to them? Has my whole life been a simulation housing only me, but the machine that runs all of existence has been long abandoned and forgotten and now it’s gradually shutting down its more complex functions as the battery is slowly drained, and the disappearance of what amounts to npcs from the world is the first major sign that my simulated world is soon ending, and that it’s too late to do anything about it now that it’s gotten this drastic and anyways what could I even do about it from inside it I’m only part of the code??

I don’t think that’s the conclusion I would reach but it might cross my mind.

An obsession with dreams and cognition in my formitive years, and a preliminary understanding of both physics and philosophy, have made me the kind of person who only has a tenuous faith that my perceptions are correct and accurate at any given time — or maybe I was already like this and I’ve spent my life seeking the smooth satisfaction of confirmation bias. Whatever the case, it’s not hard to make me question my understanding of reality. My assumptions, my biases, my memories. All are unreliable. There is a firm and instinctive belief in my gut, at moments when I’m just a little bit extra aware of the present, that the way I feel and the way I live at that given moment is how it’s always been and how it’s always will be, and I am have to fight that feeling because it’s not true and it’s not productive. But I know that when I realized I was isolated in that neighborhood there would be at least a MOMENT where I thought “this is how it’s always been” — you’ve always lived here, alone, and all other memories are false. Or, every town you’ve ever lived in has been equally empty, despite what you think you remember.

It’s scary to me because I’m imagining the moment I find out — and the several moments of maddening self-doubt immediately after. It’s scary because I know my current family, and they would be scared, and it would panic me. It’s scary because I know myself — hell, sometimes I’ll do something that is out of character for me and spend the next day questioning if it was real. It’s scary because being lied to is scary, and isolation is scary, and moments of sudden awareness that you are powerless against a universe vaster than you, vaster than you could even imagine.

It’s scary to think that the universe is distant and unfeeling and doesn’t care about you, and that the world doesn’t revolve around you — but how much scarier would it be to find out that it does? That the world you inhabit was distinctly constructed with you at its center, fully aware of you — maybe always! — and possibly planning and preparing its next move in a direct and targeted response to whatever you do next! That’s so much worse than being a blip, in a world of possibility, blessed with the freedom of anonymity! It’s too much pressure.

All that said.

Thank you. I think I would do a lot better in the town if I had someone with your attitude there with me, and we could reassure each other and vow to figure it out together. I think about a week after discovering the truth, it would be kind of fun to explore and see how all the different empty houses worked and were furnished.

But at the moment I found out? At the moment you realize something is Not What It Seemed and that fight or flight kicks in? I stand by what I said. That is deeply, primally terrifying

[dragaoel]

 Jun'ichirō, aka Jun (- Silverdell)

the volume of the radio slowly dwindles down and only static noise is left to be heard

"those are dangerous words"

"not for him " Anja replies, her head laying on her outstretched arm that's on the table , her whole posture the embodiment of laziness. "loved ones always have it easier here"

"Not always" Jun says grimly and glances out of the window" it's because he's an outsider that he's allowed more freedom than any of us"

"aren't you a loved one too?"

Jun sighs deeply and turns towards the albino girl. For a second ,pain , frustration and a hint of panic can be seen in his eyes before it vanishes. He lets out a bitter laugh.

"and you saw where that lead me to,half dead in a ditch"

INTRODUCTION JUN : 

half japanese half black

has waist long black thick hair and brown skin 

has a ‘’prince in anguish’’ aura but masks it with him being over the top ridiculous and dramatic

is 5′11

born 12th october (libra)

‘‘the risk i took was calculated, but man, am i bad at math’‘

Jun is my favourite character, i made him on a whim as a side character in a old story and then i started using him more and more as a background character until i realized the potential he had. He's also one of the character whom i put into a lot of  different aus, the most favourite one was where he was a vampire who loved laying in the garden and eat roses all day

Rukiya (-Though the god’s have left)

‘‘i have dreams about them’‘ Rukiya says and plucks a string on her bass. The deep note rumbles through the room and her short curls moves along as she drops her head lower 

‘‘i'm high in the sky, looking down onto a land that seems oh so familiar, with people screaming at me asking me to help them’‘

‘’do you understand them? ‘’ a band member asks

‘‘weirdly i do’‘ Rukiya answers ‘‘ it seems to be in my native language but also not, as if it was way before everything happened, you know, the ancient time’‘ 

INTRODUCTION RUKIYA :

Out of the both of them Rukiya is the older twin by 4 minutes

she’s also the artsy one than her sister whos into sports

wears black literally 24/7 and has dark circles despite sleeping enough

is 5′9

is black (kenyan) 

mole on the left side of her cheek

fluent in her native tongue kiswahili 

Majors in Film

loves anything that has to do with space nd aliens

born 24th january (aquarius)

has a sweet tooth

*cocks gun* ‘’basements haunted’’

i like the idea of twins that are completely the opposite of each other. Rukiya just like Imara have a big chunk of my personality in them, it's just that i lean more towards Rukiya than Imara. 

Akiho (-Though the god’s have left)

Kneeling down, she cocks her head to the side, her eyes cold and her lips pressed into a thin line ‘’ dont think your actions won't have consequences’’ she sneers ‘’ the next time i see you harassing another girl again i'll make you wish you were never born’’ 

Akiho dusts herself , picks up the bat , glances one last time at the boy laying on the floor and walks away, the echoes of her shoes the only noise to be heard

INTRODUCTION AKIHO :

is 5′4

majors in theater

her fashion style is y2k

is the other one of the dumbass duo

has freckles on her nose

is japanese

doesn't like sweet things usually eats traditional sweets made by her mom or things that are sour/bitter, but salty food has to be spicy asf

born, 14th april (aries)

her side teeth are really pointy

has long peach colored straight hair

‘‘I’d sell you to satan for one corn chip’‘

Akiho comes from a family of 3, she's the youngest sibling and she has that energy. She likes to play with her oldest brother children, doesn't want any on her own though. will fight anyone who is disrespectful, esp towards women 

Hyunjin (-Though the god’s have left)

The tall girl slumps her body onto her girlfriend shoulder, watching her fry the fish in the pan into charcoal. Hyunjin wrinkles her nose in a attempt to push the glasses up without having to actually touch them, before she sighs deeply. 

‘‘Just-’‘ she starts and softly takes ‘‘let me do it, otherwise you'll burn the kitchen down like last time’‘

Praveena puffs her cheeks up ‘’that actually wasn't my fault, it was the gasherd-’’

‘‘i know i know’‘ Hyunjin chuckles and kisses her cheek ‘‘but i have a exam tomorrow and i would like not not have an indigestion’‘ she frowns and flips the fish over and sighs. It seems the fish can’t be saved anymore. 

INTRODUCTION HYUNJIN :

korean

has short dyed blue hair, but the back part is longer than the front part.

is ‘5′10

majors in engineering technology

born 14th may (taurus)

has literally no sense of style and wears glasses cause she has a slight astigmatism that you can't really see

has a mole next to her right eye

‘‘a financially unstable mess but at the liquor store they call me ma’am’‘

honestly out of all the characters i draw hyunjin the most. In the beginning  she  had shoulder length but then i shortened it because i liked it more. She's an only child and her mother runs a bakery while her father works in a office. She's the calm type that's constantly tired because she never sleeps 

Praveena  (-Though the god’s have left)

She shuffles the cards and lays them out on the table. The customers sees the fool, the moon and the star. Praveena touches them with her fingertips ‘’ you seem to be either at the beginning or at the end of a new journey ’’ she pauses and thinks ‘’but either way you're prepared for what is to come’’

The customers nods ‘’i'm soon moving away from this city’’

‘‘I see’‘ Praveena counters and points at the next card ‘‘the moon indicates that you’re hesitant  and fearful in your decision, there might be something from the past that is holding you back and influencing you in the present and possibly the future

the customer tenses up, her eyes fixed on the card and her lips tight

‘‘though’‘ Praveena continues ‘‘at the end you’ll be at peace and glad that you pushed through all the turbulences 

INTRODUCTION PRAVEENA : 

tamil ,dark skin with long wavy violet dyed hair

Hyunjin’s girlfriend

has calm energy but is also very erratic 

loves astrology & tarot

majors in psychology

5′5

born 20 july (cancer)

has droopy eyes

‘‘god cant help you now’‘

i made praveena cause i wanted a harmonious wlw couple, that have that ‘’old married pair’’ plus out of all the ocs those two are the ones that i drew first. Praveena has the tendency to blow things up how though is a mystery and hyunjin always has to clean up everything. 

Imara (-Though the god’s have left)

‘‘no listen, it doesn't make sense why would you wear a bra and some tight ass pants knowing you’re about to fight people who have knives and GUNS?’’ Imara asks perturbed.

‘‘Cause men are horny’‘ Rukiya retorts and raises an eyebrow

‘‘still doesn't make sense like wow!, some fucking boobs, like really? really? is that what gets you going? just some breast pressed up in a bra that is too damn tight and a flat stomach on a skinny ass girl that has absolute no muscles despite the training she went through?

Rukiya sighs ‘’ is this about-’’

‘‘lara croft yes’‘ Imara interrupts and slams her finger on the table ‘‘and im going to die on this hill that men shouldn't be allowed to create games!’‘

INTRODUCTION  IMARA:

plays games a lot, esp the loz series

has curly dyed blonde hair that's mostly tied in a ponytail  or a bun because she cant be bothered with it, though rukiya helps her all the time cause she never really learned how to deal with curly hair. 

Is on a baseball sponsorship because she's that good (she's a pitcher)

is totally tone deaf unlike her twin

isnt good with crows ie: strangers crowding around her after her team won a game

is kenyan

5′9

has a mole next to her upper lips on the left side

loves 90's rnb & hip hop music

‘‘he proclaimed his undying love and asked me to do the same, i had to overcome my desire to laugh’‘

Imara does have a slight complex about being a twin because she feels like Rukiya is the cooler one despite people loving her too. She's loud and boisterous basically a chad, but better. She's dorky and literally spends her free time gaming but she doesn't just play any game shes v specific when it comes to that. Her mom always has a headache because of her but thats okay but in the end her mom loves her to death.

Ava (-Though the god’s have left)

‘’do you you know how much it's sucks that at the end of all of this , i'm the one waiting for them?’’ Ava exclaims ‘’that i'm the one who will have to watch them go through the door to be evaluated? that i'm ultimately the end?

‘‘you’re not all alone-’‘

‘‘you don't understand’’ Ava interrupts, as she points at the short girl ‘’ i will have to watch my mom, my family that raised me go through that door and know that that will be the last time i will see them in that body!’’

INTRODUCTION  AVA:

She’s haitian 

keeps her hair in a short chin length dark blue bob

majors in sociology 

she and akiho are the ‘’comedy duo’’ of the group

is 5′6

born 4th november (scorpio)

‘‘my only crime was that i was down to clown’‘ 

When i make akiho i felt like she needed a companion so i made ava, both of them were inspired by the early 2000 shows characters. Although Ava likes to goof around she's also very studious and serious about her future. She comes from a family of 6 and she’s the second oldest. She and her older sister fight constantly 

Nïrnaya (Dawn over the horizon)

‘‘Magic’‘ the elf stars, her tall stature hunched over the herbs ‘’ is in the nature we’re surrounded in, in the mountains that stand high and the rivers that flow into the deep sea’’

she straightens up and walks over to Nïrnaya ‘’ we might lose everything.’’ She pokes the girl on the forehead ‘’but magic will forever stay with you because its the core of your being‘’ 

INTRODUCTION NÏRNAYA :

shes a mischievous 15 year old 

 has black curly long hair that are mostly braided

does not want to do this whole adventure thing because of how it reminds her too much of the ‘’chosen one trope’’ and thats too much responsibilities

born during the year of the earth dragon

‘‘snacking between meals is the least, but tastiest, of my problems’‘ 

i came up with this story and character because i wanted a book where a black girl for once was the main character, where she could experience the same thing as other mc (ie eragon etc) basically i wanted black representation in a medieval-esque world but with my own spin because the world itself is not very western like

[dweebpheles]

So my mom works at a carshop, and sometimes I hang out there when I have nothing to do. A lot of people come in and out of there, and theres only one table to sit at with two benches at it, so meaning as that is where I sit the whole time I'm there, sometimes I'm joined by strangers that come in for inspections or to pick up cars. Sometimes they talk to me, and I often get questions about college and what I plan to do with my life. Some of these people think they can tell me what to do or what I should do, some people have attitudes and some people think they really are top-shit I guess. As most people who know me here know I have trypanophobia, I'll enlighten you on a little convo that happened today!

Man: *sits down* mind if I sit here

Me: no, go ahead, I dont mind :)

Man: you waiting on a car?

Me: oh, no, my mom works here. I'm just hanging out.

Man: *he asks my age eventually*

Me: *leads to talking about school and the fact I'm in college classes, my future profession plan or whatever*

Man: you dont need to go into teaching. You'll make more money in nursing

Me: I dont have any interest in that, really. (Not many understand that phobias are pretty severe and cant just be overcome easily, so I'm trying to dodge it)

Man: you'll be broke if you teach, whether you like it or not, you should go into nursing

Me, a little frustrated: I dont want to be miserable in a job I dont have any desire for, and I also have trypanophobia, it would prevent me from having that job even if I actually wanted it.

Man: what's that?

Me: an extremely severe, irrational, and intense fear of hypodermic n**dles.

Man: oh you wont have to worry about getting sh0ts! In this case, being a nurse, you get to give them to other people!

Me: (I get nervous even talking about this), I'm aware of that, but you're missing the point, I cant even look at them, talking about them makes me uneasy

Man: oh come on *hes shaking his head*

Me: excuse me?

Man: what do you do when you have to get a sh0t?

Me: i have to prepare myself for my appointment for about a week, I cant go to appointments alone, my mother has to be there for me, and I thankfully have a very understanding doctor, but I always have a panic attack that leads to an uncomfortable and uncontrollable mental shutdown, and that usually spirals into a day long exhaustion

Man: that's ridiculous, you're gonna have to get over it

My mom, overhearing the tail end of this conversation steps in: it's not something she can just easily overcome

Me: yeah, it's a disorder Like. It's an anxiety disorder. I know my fear is irrational but that doesnt mean I can get rid of it.

Man: you're gonna have to. Just dont think about it

Me: *just giving up* haha you're right *thinking: holy shit I'm suddenly cured--man what the fuck thanks for calling me a pussy for having a disorder*

[self-critical-automaton]

Whats Been Going On With Me Lately

So basicly the TLDR is:

I’ve been super ill in weird and new brain ways since about mid-december, when withdrawal from my antidepressants resulted in strange intense psychological events, and I’ve been dealing with the fallout and day-to-day distress ever since. I’m terrified that i might have suffered permanent alterations/damage to my mental state, but who can say.

Details under the cut for anyone who wants to know how ive been doing, or wants to hear about what happens when you quit a high dose of fluoxetine cold turkey after five or six years.

Or for anyone who is going through something similar and wants some info/hope, since withdrawal experiences seem to be super idiosyncratic and variable and its almost impossible to find detailed descriptions.

I’d really appreciate it being read, esp. by people in my life, but dont feel compelled or whatever idk i dont make the rules but srsly please read it if you can it took a lot of time and effort

PS: this and several other articles on that blog were a huge help to me getting through the first couple phases, if you’re having trouble with withdrawal please go read PPS: fine to reblog, in fact please do

In 2017 I started getting painful physical side effects from my antidepressants, which gradually got worse until in lateish-2018 I decided to stop taking them outright. Everyone ever says you shouldn’t quit antidepressants cold-turkey, and they are right, but I’d been taking them inconsistently due to the pain, and I was beginning to suspect they’d stopped helping me anyway, so it seemed the best option.

I quit in probably mid-October and for a couple months felt much the same as usual, but then around the 13th of December it all kicked off. At first I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I was suffering a sudden and intense flu coinciding with a bad depressive spike, but after a couple days I figured out that withdrawal can be offset by weeks or months in rare cases, and decided this is what must be happening. That first round of Withdrawal Time had a few soft-edged but distinct phases (lasting about a week each), and I went through by far the worst experience in my entire life, closely followed by the second-worst and then third-worst.

Round One Start! Phase One: intense existential dread

It kicked of very suddenly, around the 13th december, getting rapidly worse over a couple days. I was paralysed with fear as my mind sunk into thinking in infinite circles, unable to do anything other but endlessly contemplate and debate morbid philosophical topics, forced to confront the inevitability of death, emptiness of life, terror of oblivion, impossibility of afterlife, and so on. I also suffered sensory experiences similar to those ive heard described by people who take drugs like LSD, or very severe fever dreams. Sensations of expanded perception, becoming trapped in imaginary scenarios on other planes, that sort of thing.

In this phase I ate almost nothing, and over that week lost 4 or 5 kg. I also had some flu symptoms, mostly as fevers and chills, and could ony, really sleep in short bursts of a couple hours each. There was very little I could safely occupy myself with, as almost all media (books, games, film, fiction and nonfiction, everything really) would in some way trigger me into thinking about an existential topic, and then the terror would resume. I spent what time I could working to fix the problems with my life that I had suddenly become aware of (my social isolation, my medial issues, my mental health, etc), so I made a lot of phone calls, doctor visits, and applied to some mental health counseling services. I also started looking for avenues to make friends and acquaintances online and in person, and did a lot of research on antidepressant withdrawal.

Towards the end of this phase, the dread got more manageable and began to ease off, and I found I could play simple puzzle games to help occupy myself during the day. Listening to certain podcasts also was a source of relief and distraction. However, things remained bad in the morning and evenings, and I ended up referring to these times as ‘morning hell’ and ‘evening hell’. Also, I began to keep a basic daily log of my symptoms.

Phase Two: generalized anxiety

As I segued into this phase, the existential dread mostly withdrew during the day, leaving instead a sense of severe generalized anxiety. I’ve had issues with anxiety in the past, but it’s always been event-related or social, so Generalized Anxiety Disorder style anxiety was an interesting addition to my mental health cocktail. I still suffered the existential dread, but primarily during the Morning and Evening Hells, and as occasional spikes during the day. Mostly, I felt like it was off to one side somewhere, and felt anxiety about thinking about existential topics.

I got little done, but was able to occupy myself with podcasts, housework, simple games, and (oddly enough) Star Trek: The Original Series. Almost anything else I tried would worsen the anxiety, and threaten to trigger existential dreads. During this time I started sleeping more normally, but also began waking every night with chest pains and leg pains, which of course caused a great deal of anxiety about heart issues and blood clots. I also began to feel like I had begun to ‘wake up’ after having sleepwalked through the past year or so.

Phase Three: misc badfeels and weird sensory effects

As phase 2 segued into this one, around christmas day, the anxiety started to recede during the day. I’d get a window of safety varying from half an hour to a few hours, usually starting in the early afternoon. I began to leave the house more, going for walks with my partner, which could occupy me safely during bad feeling times. During those windows, I often still felt bad, but it felt like a ‘normal’ bad, like depression and ennui, rather than the very active generalized anxiety or severe dread. I also began to be able to read again, and to play games more widely. I committed to attending some local social events (some board games/RPG things, and a support group) and mostly tried to get on with life. 

I was frequently quite sluggish and slow, and didn't usually get much work done, even napping occasionally. As my days improved, my nights worsened, with bad sleep and bad dreams. I would also have odd brief sensory effects, such as hallucinations and waking dreams. For the first time since withdrawal started, I began to worry that I was slipping backwards and getting worse again. Up until that point, I had felt like, as awful as I was feeling, there was a slow but consistent improvement.

By early January I was having inconsistent bouts of the existential stuff and the generalized anxiety in the day, but looking back probably not as intensely as in the earlier phases.

Phase Four: inconsistent rehash

Phase four was similar to phase three, except without the consistency that phase three had (at least earlier on) of ‘morning bad, day safe, evening bad’. It also lasted longer than the ‘about a week’ of previous phases. I had ups and downs of general bad feelings throughout the day, with occasional spikes or longer bouts of existential fear or generalized anxiety, and I developed an aversion to going to bed (as most mornings would feel worse than evenings). I usually slept badly, and I started waking up during what I’m pretty sure were sleep-panic-attacks an hour or so after going to sleep. Chest pains and so on were very common and worrying, so I talked to the doctor a lot and ended up on some cardio waiting lists.

I had some depressive episodes which felt very much like the kind of depressive episodes I’ve had over my life, and about the same topics, though more intensely. It was almost comforting, in a back-to-normal sort of way.

Frankly, this whole phase felt like a random jumble of previous phase symptoms and pre-withdrawl mental health stuff, almost like dimming lightbulbs on an old electrical system, fading in and out and going on and off randomly and unpredictably.

Towards the end of January, I had a bad bout of flu, but during that time I felt a lot better in mental health terms. I don’t know if this was due to the distraction of a big obvious ‘thing to survive’ or if it was a natural upswing as part of the arc of that phase. After I got over the flu, I had a couple days of existential stuff reasserting itself, and I was worried that it was a second bout of Phase One, but I stopped recording my log on the 5th of February, so it’s hard to recall anything past this.

Interstitial Period

I’m pretty sure that for most of February, I felt ‘back to normal’, and was feeling more-or-less how I had been before withdrawal kicked off. That said, my capacity to occupy myself has not really recovered. I’m occasionally able to play games or read, but I often have a bad sense of ennui. This may be my natural yearly Seasonal Affective Disorder, or a natural depressive episode (I have consistently if infrequently had times where I’m unable to occupy myself and suffer ennui, just as part of being a depressed person), but I’ve not had one this long before.

I have a strong fear that my cognition/way of being/mental state has been permanently altered by that first phase, that it in some way ‘opened my eyes’ and now I will never be able to go back to how I was. I’m scared that I might never be free of this existential dread lurking in the back of my mind, but also trying to dissemble, forget, or distract myself feels like a foolish naivety. Its something we all have to face, so postponing the inevitable is pointless, but also I can’t overcome or accept it, so I’m trapped in a limbo.

Round Two?

After feeling mostly ’back to normal’ for a while, I’ve been having some bad times again. For about a week or so (end of febuary/beginning of march), I’ve been having existential fears and the ‘big mix of generalized bad feeling’ again, on and off during the day, and especially in mornings/evenings. I was very afraid that it was the beginning of a downslope into a full repeat of this entire cycle, but it’s been pretty consistent so far, rather than getting worse.

I’m hoping that this is indeed Round Two, and that its just a lot less bad than Round One, which would be consistent with what I’ve read about this stuff.

Final Thoughts

Phase one was the worst thing ive gone through in my life, but on good days I feel somewhat optimistic that it’s had a ‘rock bottom’ kind of effect, that I can find some positive things to come out of it.

It’s given me some perspective, and it’s helped me come out of a sleepwalking time in my life. I feel what i’m missing in my life much more keenly (social isolation/ lack of friends, lack of passion, lack of purpose/drive/meaning in my life), but I’m also able to work on them to some extent for the first time in years.

That said, I know these take a lot of time and work to fix, but it’s hard not to look at the glacially slow progress i’ve made as ‘no progress in basically three months’, and sink back into the things-will-never-get-better-so-why-try kind of depression.

I’m gonna keep trying, though.