#like i dont even really know who i am right now and i just geel kinda blank

[raccoonfagdyke]

.

[virgook]

hii!!! pt. 2

“hehe but i’m definitely working to trust myself and my intuition more. like the times i’ve been validated via ppl’s astro posts or tarot readings like yours or even the boys themselves makes me feel more confident in my ability to read people. so thank you for the encouragement and being open to my thoughts. 🤗💖🤗💖🤗💖” i’m glad!! + tell me about your hunches so i can see what my cards say too + my own opinion

“i feel he works in stages. sub!jk —> brattysub!jk —> switch!jk —> dom!jk ” A THOUSAND PERCENT those were my exact thoughts 😭and after dom!jk sleeps, he wakes up soft bunny!jk again ready to be smothered in affection. should we……co-write a fic….

“i’m actually so happy i decided to talk to you. i normally just chill in the back and don’t interact too much but it’s been a fun time so far chatting with you 😬” i’m so glad too!!! i’m having a lot of fun and this is all actually really new to me too. ive been on tumblr for years and years but didn’t talk much so this is making all my 15yr old dreams come true if im being honest

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i love cats so much you have no idea omg if you have a picture of the stray cat pls will u upload it so i can gush?? ever since i graduated from uni i’ve been cat-less :( there were so many of them on campus and i’d pet them whenever i was stressed but now [deep sigh]

jin’s reading

i agree with the class clown syndrome!!!!!! i hadn’t thought of it that way but i can geel it in my gut you’re so right.

same, i hope jimin can see himself that way too :( i feel like jimin tries so hard to be perfect or the ‘right’ thing that he doesn’t understand how jin can make the best of what he has and be imperfect and still be so beautiful and loved by all. i feel like he’s trying to analyze jin so he can add it to his own 'calculations’ on how to be have but i hope he knows he doesnt have to do that :/

i think jk’s perspective on them isn’t reflective of their closeness but more about jk’s own personality? like he doesn’t think too deeply about things u know? he’s like oh, hyung’s like that i guess. ok. and moves on. … am i making sense? it doesn’t matter to him enough to figure out those questions. he’s simple and loves and cares for them regardless

i agree!!!!!!! i feel furthest from hobi and jin too, esp. hobi. he’s the most intimidating for me in bts actually. like i got so surprised when he got so mad at the has station gag in bvs4 bc it doesn’t fit with his j-hope persona. but i think it’s the real him and its coherent with what my cards have been saying👀

thank you for saying you enjoyed it!!! i was worried bc people really respond to cute, fluffy, imagine type readings of the boys and don’t want to actually know the truth or if you aren’t a believer in tarot, dont want to imagine them as a whole person who is more than 'the happy one’ or 'the cold one’, u know?

jimin’s reading

I don’t know the vlive you’re talking about but it matches behaviour i’ve seen a lot from him omg i think you described him perfectly. i think a lot of it stems from his job? like he’s supposed to think of what the fans will enjoy. but i think theres a way to do that and still be authentic u know? and idk maybe he doesn’t owe it to us to be his real self and wants to be fake. he can do that if he wants but it doesn’t make me like him at all :/ i don’t know if you know NCT’s doyoung but he did that once too in an nctlife episode. they boys were playing the baskin robbins game and they had take turns saying the numbers till 31 in a sexy~ way and doyoung stroked his throat/adams apple and it was so so fake and he even said the fans like this. and he kept doing it and looking at himself in the camera.  its the same vibe as what u said about jimin, i understand exactly what u mean and i agree fully

“but in the moment when he can’t edit or practice before hand what he gives fans is so hollow and superficial… ” yes!!! i think a lot of it comes from his need to be perfect and a certain way so fans love him. so he controls his image very strongly. i think it extends even to his 'vulnerable’ moments on camera. he’s very intelligent and considers the ramifications of all his actions before he does something imho. i think the most genuine parts of him on camera are when a member is hurt or needs help and he goes to comfort or care for them.

“the vibes he can sometimes give off isn’t your typical idol fantasy/fan service thing… it’s deeper than that.” yup!!! all the boys are 'fake’ to an extent bc its their job. like they have to consciously create cute content, that’s their job. but jimin does take it too far, he removes his real self form the equation completely and does whatever is needed.

“i’m just not as forward about wanting it like jimin, which i honestly respect” tbh…..same.. he’s the one who made me admit/realize i like being praised and now i jokingly ask people for it. i pass it off as a joke but i crave it u know 😭😂😩

“and honestly i feel really bad for him……authentically.” oh my god, that’s exactly what i’ve been thinking too!!! its incredible how much on the same wavelength we are. i think you have a really really good understanding jimin and all the boys, you’re so sensitive and perceptive i could hear u talk about them for hours i’m not even exaggerating. i want to hear all your theories and opinions for real. 

the yoongi reading is up tell me what u think of what it says about him and/or your own opinion of who you think he is i’d really really love to hear it actually

[watersuncharted]

so its my first official day. back on campus.

i think that it is a good sign in how my brain is operating, how i am thinking and what i hope to deal with and accomplish this semester. 

i personally think that i have tremendous areas for growth. i know what i need to work on, and what i want to accomplish. i know that i have big hopes and dreams and that i want to be someone who is able to be unapologetically herself. i know that its possible and that honestly that i have been that person before. its just that this time i feel like there is al ot of things that are hindering me, whether it be neb, my friends, my confusion about the future, my just conflicting personalities and lifestyles. because they are like cognitive dissonance to an extreme.

i feel shitty for judging her but honestly i didnt mean to i just needed to load off literally everything that i was feeling because it genuinely was a lot. and i dont know if she knows that. 

im kind of scatterbrained. i kinda just wanna sit and play video games with someone or just lay out in the grass (which isnt possible due to the torrential downpour and the literal tornado). i want to catch up with people. i want to chat and talk and catch up with people. but i also dont mind being alone right now. i like the reflection and i like the thoughts and i like the music and the extra time to do nothing. i know i should probably be doing work but honestly i can’t be thinking about those things. honestly this is one of the last days of summer and i want to enjoy it. the extrovert in me just wants to be around people but i know that i wont get much of this time back. i like being in my thoughts with you and i like being able to chat with you more and geel like im within you all the time and i want to be there for you as you are there for me.

fo the elephant in the room, i do feel like i want to see him and see the vibes i think thats honestly the only thing that is really getting me. like when he said his name over snap i feel like we are just supposed to be fine and we should be fine but i genuinely dont know what its going to be. and if hes going to be completely normal..i dont know how i would react. because honestly speaking i still want to be be his friend and i want to be someone that can be close to him again. do we think thats possible? but also these texts show that he would not be over it but also is he over it. i feel stuck because i can’t talk to melanie about it but i think about it all the time. it also sucks because now my in is actually gone. and im upset about it. because now i feel like i can’t hang with any of the or get to know them anymore and im just upset because it changes a lot of things but damn this summer was amazing without his moody ass and i did sooo much shit it was unreal. i am really happy with how the summer went, obviously in some ways it could have been better. but summer of 19 was genuinely so amazing and honestly everything that i could have thought but also not. like i am beyond happy and beyond content with it but its inneterseting to think that it could have gone different. i just have a lot of thoughts and i have high hopes for the semester but i am so scared to see how this all goes, if im being honest

if im being honest, i wish that this limbo would stay forever, but i also wish that sylly week would be right now too. but also i really dont. i am all kinds of mixed feelings right now its crazy. i am very scatterbrained. 

i kind of just want to sit here looking into nothing and just reflecting 

i dont know why i want so badly to see someone i know i think its getting o that point in solitude that i want to talk to and be with

but its different because i am alone alone which is interesting to see myself in this space. because i actually have nothing to do and i am with no one. which is cool i guess you dont have much of that in life at this age. i wish i would be able to play and build up my music skills

i dont know dude i don know why i have this affinity to be seen or want to be seen or the desire to really want to be this person who is seen and loved and adored and found by anyone. in different areas  of course depending on the person but genuinely today even at the training and stuff like i wanted to be someone that seemed approachable and liked and someone that people wanted to interact with and be friends with but i dont know if thats ever possible at this point you know what i mean? i dont know i feel weird in the sense that i feel like i want to be this person who i can’t be

i need you to cut our emotional ties from each other…i need you cut them so that i can stop thinking in circles and find that i cannot change the past. i messed up and so did he, and im over it but i also cannot stop thinking about it unfortunately so please cut those ties and mold me and find me someone else. saying it aloud really gets me for some reason. 

i think its time to walk around, walk this off.

[semenguine]

it’s. just after 7:30 when i har the nock. 7:35 maybe. or 7:40. imin the twins room. chaing their diapers. and. im finishing up with adelpha. i’m putting on diaper cream. she’s drooling. i’m already miserable because of what happend to me because of what i did. two nightsb efore i. 

i was stupid. the kock comes again. and. i tape adelpha’s diaper on and pick her up and give her butt a little pat and she just goes n drooling. and i put her in the same crib as her sister becase they dont cry when i leave the room if theyre togetehr. and i see eden trying to get down the stairs and i tell her no no ill get it. and she says ok. and shes really hungover anyway not just alcohol all sorts of shit. so she hobles back to bed. 

the person knocks aigan. i shold have. lookd through the pephole but i didnt. ijust opened the door. i thought maybe itwas the mailman or somethng, bit. t wanst

i open the door. and ts him . and i freeze for a second and. hes stronger thanme because everybody us and. the next thing i know. hes in my home. and. he closes the door an locks it and. i dcant breathe. and i wish i never went to him.and remibded him i exist. that we exist. and i frorgot he knowswhere i live.  

what re .you diong in here i whisper. i messaged eden, he says and he pouts. but she didnt reply and it really hurt my geelings. i just awnted to come by and see if shes ok. pleaes dont hurt eeden, i say. pelase. please. she shouldnt have left me on read he esays. thats crazy i say. please hurt me instead dont hurt her please. she’s isck she broke he rankle i say desperately. please.

he grabs me by the wrist and says if i have to go looking for her things are only gonna get worse for her. where is she? i want to cry he holds on to me so tight i take him to me and eden’s bedroom.gary pushes me in ahead of him.

i stumble. who was at the door? eden asks. p-put this on, eden, you have to, i say quickly, i rush over and bring her her shirt and shorts- why she says. does someone wanna talk to me? she clutches her head and she groans. yes eden please, i say. are you okay? she asks. she’s a little shaken up, says gary. eden’s eyes go wide. gary grabs my wrist again. don’t hurt her please, i beg. he ignoesm e. 

what the hell are you doign in my house? eden demands. she’s more alert now. she. grabs the clothes and he lets go of me and walks right over and yanks them out of her hands. you won’t need those, he says. for the shit im gonna do to you. you aint ifnna do shit to me, edn says. angrily. you know what i dont care what you here for. let me show you the exit and maybe ill jus t tell the police you got lost.

you won’t tell the police anything, he says. because they don’t give a fuck. you know that. eden’s chest rises and falls. she doesn’t say anything. why didn’t you reply to my texts? he asks. cause i dont like to entertain crazy people, eden spits. aw, gary says. im not crazy. im just angry. you understand, dont you? its kinda like how it was, his eyes narrow. when you broke my nose. you know? or maybe how sierra felt, he gr abs me again and pshes me onto the bed. when she made me lose my FUCKING job! his nostrils flare and he takes a deep breath.

tears are streaming down my face please gary i beg. i cant pay rent he rants. i have to move back in with ym mom next month. what do you want ,eden says. i hear your ankles broken that true? gary asks. eden looks at me i swallow. gary pulls the covers off eden, who scrambls to cgover herself. thats cute, gary mocks. thats how you lseep huh? in your little dino undies. youre a psychopath eden says. i cry .

you’ll never be a real man edne says gary. oh thank god says eden. you couldnt give y our wife what she needs gary whispers. so ehe came trunning to me. the fact tha t you’re violent and evil enough that a sexual abuse survivor wlould come to you  when she want s to retraumatize herself is a weird fl ex eden replies. 

shut up, says gary. he gets in to the bed no please i say please dont hurt her. he wont edensays. he smiles at her. you think youre so tough that youre such a man he says. well men he squeezes her chest and she shoves his hand away and raises her arms defensively oevr it. dont hav e .these. youre just something else arent you but, when it comes to babymaking you do the mans job dont you eden he whispers. so i guess you’re moer man than girl.

eden’s dead silent and then she attakcs him.but shes hungoer and her ankle is broken. all i he gdoes is put pressure on her ankle and shes cries ou tin pain nad he pins her down to the bed. no i cry. gary please. bring me some tape he orders me and maybe ill be gentle. i dont knwo what else to do so ijsut agree. 

i fee stupid as soon as ai bring it back he tapes over eden’s mouth. it muffles her screams. she kicks and thrashes and tries to get him off but hres pinnedh er arms down her noiesse increasie in fratnicness as he pull sh er underwwar off her. he strts talking . about hoe we ruined his life and how much he loves watchinglesibian porn and alwaysa wishe he could be part o i now look he ist and how rede n will never be a man . eden kicks desperately. shes’ cryingnad triyng to scream i can tell but the tape the stupid dape.

i grab on to garys legs please stop i plead she didnt do anything please. he kicks me and i fall off the bed. i land hard. i cant move im so dizzy. i just lie there and my whole body hurts. eden screams nad itheres nothing  i can do. when gary tells her she’s so tight she makwes a good woman in some ways there isnt anythin g i can do.

that hurts doent it gary syays this is what you did to me this is what you did to my life now how does it feel. wish there was a bit more space in hre eh says. so short i can only fit ab out half of me in but then i guess its cause ths little hole donest lead to anywhere huh ? how sad. i hate fucking you its so messy .so much damn blood. 

edens still screinamng. i hatem yeslf i hate myself for leading  him here. i never wantedto hurt anyone you knwo that? gary starts crying. but you bitches made me. i had to do this. you did nt give me a choice. hekeeps goinga nd going. he takes the tape off eden’s mouth i har the rip but he 

she doesn’t screma for long he cms in her mouth she starts gurgling an d coughing. theres a slapping nois e fucking swallow it you bitch he tells her to suck the b lod off. eshes crinyg and sobbing and choking. stop it, i try again. my voice is weak and stupid. please.

t then. one fo the twins starts crying i am fiilled with fear. oh he says i almost forgot. i haen’t met your kids yet. NO, i cry. no don’t hurt them gary please they’re just babies they’ven ever done anythign to yo uplease, i sob. please please don’t hurt them please don’t hurt my babies don’t hurt my babies. i crawl to his feet hurt me instead i beg. 

i look at eden and there’s so mcuch blood on the sheets and on her elsgs i almost scream. she looks e mpty. thersf cum a an d spit allover her chin. he looks at me and gets up. no i scream desp earetly. i grab on to his legs and try to hodl him back . please please i sob. dont touch my babies ont hurt my babies.

i just want to say hi, he says. but. do you know how easy it is to suffocate a baby? NO PlEASE, i sob. eden drags herself out of bed. she half crawls half drags herself along the floor. i if you la y a fucing hand on my  k kids ill kill you, she says hoarsely. yo ucant even stand gary says.

d dont need to shes cryig. to kill you. gary drags me along and i mst il l cilinging trying to hold him back. eden drags hers elf to the nursery. a mara is crying. she.cant get up eden whispers throug hthe crib bars its o k. dadas her e. 

gary tries to get closer i bite him. get away from me! he shakes his leg btu i keep clinging. adelpha starts crying too i can tell they are scared both of the babies they are bot hscared. i sob. gary gets closer. edeng goes crazy she. growls . aa nd. claws and bites himhe cant  shake her off. 

he moves back. eden glares at him on all fours naked, blood trickling down her legs the cum drying on her chin tears all over her face gr ubting and pantimg animalitcially she bear s her teeth at h im . oyu’re pathe tic he say s. look at y ou. but i can i thin k he is scared .

hopefully he says. you wont ig nore one of my mes sages agin. right? you’ll fuckin rspond back wont oyu? edens silent . wont ouy? he demands. i look at eden p l adingly. hshe look at me and back at the tw ins. yes she says. good. he says. youre no t a man . you can never mke a gir lhappy. dont for get, gary sneers. and if y out tell te police about this i’ll make your lives a awliving hell.

he grabs me by the wrist and throws me to the floor and ki cks my rirbs in. i scrmea. stop it, edne says. sotp it, he mocks. stop it. he kick s me gain and then says . . i think im ight stay her for abit. you havea guest room dnot you?

no ,eden lies . he smile s. well make one, he says . hhhe went out buty hell be back. thats what scares me the most is he’l be back hes stayign nad anything coudl hapen. he tt tok pictures of eden. nad hell s hare them out  ii f. we odnt do what he says. 

i dont tihn k i hav e to watch you he said . you two are sma rt people. i thinkyou know hwat it ocudl do to eden’s career.

and h hes right we kno w so we cant get help we cant do an y hting. were at ihis mercy .