#like i do not deny homeboy was suffering in his own ways but the way he projected his pain on to

[bunnyboy-juice]

tbh snooping on my ex doesnt even hurt bc of him directly atp- im glad he's getting better and happier. what hurts is seeing ppl who claimed that no matter what they'd be there for us both who chose him bc he played victim so well

[caneannabelle]

ok hi guys. it’s been a while. i wrote this analysis back when Mag 187 aka Checking Out aka The One Where Helen Dies first came out and literally ever since i’ve posted it i’ve wanted to redo it because it feels. lacking. listen if there’s one thing i hate it’s incomplete media analysis and i must right my wrongs lest i be forced to look upon myself and crumble from within. that being said, i’ve been putting off this rewrite for a long long time bc Life Gets Weird. tldr this was written over the course of several months so i apologize for inconsistent quality. anyways let’s get into it!

part one: recap!

it’s been a while! let’s just go over what happened. the scene i wanna focus on in particular is this one:

VICTIM

You’ve got to help me!

ARCHIVIST

[Angrily] Don’t touch me!

[THE ARCHIVIST PULLS AWAY, AS THE VICTIM FALLS AND IS CRYING]

HELEN

Oopsie. Not so easy, is it? Keeping up your humanity?

(187).

that being said i’m gonna be kind of all over the place but! i do think that’s a good jumping off point.

part two (part one): disparaging everyone’s problematic fav

in my original post my point was that in reflexively reacting to a victim with disgust and anger jon inadvertently reveals the nature of his dedication to helping victims as ego driven, especially because this line is directly preceded by him asserting his moral high ground over helen as being a “protector” as opposed to her indulgence in destruction. what i’m saying is homeboy has a savior complex. honestly there’s a lot of evidence to support that claim but i think the most obvious example would be jordan kennedy. like.

JORDAN

…Yeah. But wrong. Sick.

What did you do to me?

ARCHIVIST

I helped you.

JORDAN

Helped me? I don’t feel right, I, I just – Ah! No I don’t – argh! I don’t want this!

(184). to be clear it’s an action with a good intent! he just wants to help someone who once helped him! BUT it also demonstrates a lack of conscious empathy. i feel like i don’t have to argue this since jordan Literally vocally said he didn’t want this several times throughout the scene but the point remains that while jon’s intent is good the actual application of his saviourism removes the autonomy of those he affects. i’m not gonna touch on the “is it objectively immoral to become an oppressor for the sake of self preservation while existing within an extreme system in which all are oppressed regardless of your individual status” query mostly because i do not have the brainpower available rn to come to my own conclusion about systems of power and the way they’re represented in tma (which is a whole other rant tbh) but jon DOES rob jordan of the ability to come to his own conclusion in this debate and make his own choice, thereby removing his autonomy. you know. autonomy. free will. the thing that is central to jon’s internal conflicts. huh.

anyways i NEED to stress that i’m not saying that he’s the same as jonah or the web or even annabelle (although annabelle is a victim. no i don’t take constructive criticism). i just want to point out that his actions reflect a lack of understanding. while he’s able to empathize with the pain others experience and is eternally hyper- aware of it he is unable to view that pain through any lense besides his own and uses it in his cycle of self pity and blame, minimizing it at any point possible in the quickest way and Not prioritizing the wishes of the victim but instead the efficiency in decreasing his own guilt. anyways back to 187- both the victim and jordan are treated as props by jon (and helen) and once they serve their purpose in reaffirming the two’s sense of self are cast aside and ignored. ok from here i’m gonna get conceptual and self indulgent bc it’s my analysis and i get to bring up vague convoluted philosophy.

part two (part two): part two

let’s talk about the distortion for a sec. i refuse to believe helen and michael were both completely gone and it was just the distortion piloting their visage, mostly because… like that’s not what the text would indicate

HELEN

Michael isn’t me. Not now.

ARCHIVIST

What happened?

HELEN

He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me.

Lost my way.

(101). it’s heavily implied that there was SOME remainder of michael in there, even if the being wasn’t him. maybe i’m way off base here but the way i interpreted the implosion of michael was that it was driven by his inability to maintain the repressed resentment and anger he had for gertrude. like it’s pretty clear that some warped version of michael’s feelings were trapped inside of the distortion and i’d go as far as to say that they were integral to his formation as it. i’m gonna operate on the assumption that michael and helen are two separate beings here for a sec even though we know they’re not. As opposed to michael’s resentment for the archivist, helen actively sought refuge in the institute and from the small amount we saw of her Pre-Distortion it seems like her paranoia is internally directed. i think you could even say that while michael was caught in an eternal battle with the concept of connection, helen is caught in a battle with the concept of self. the point is that she thinks of jon in a less “The Archivist” sense and more as just That Guy who she had an intense connection with that one time.

ARCHIVIST

So… S-so what do you want?

HELEN

I don’t know. Helen liked you, so… there’s a lot to consider. But I will help you leave.

(101). i would also like to point out that helen’s emergence as the distortion coincides with jon coming to terms with his identity as the archivist. parallels, baby! SO helen is a newly formed being that is grappling with the concept of her own existence and jon is reevaluating his understanding of identity as he comes to terms with the fact that he is turning into the thing he’s fighting against and this is all happening at the same time. live laugh love. stay with me here, i promise i’ll get back to 187. Throughout seasons 4 and 5 helen attempts to validate her own moral decisions via jon who she once saw herself in. conversely, jon sees both an image of what he could become AND arguably a representation of his past failure in her.

ARCHIVIST

It did. I think… I mean, you remember how I was back then, how paranoid. The Not!Sasha was there, and I could sense something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t place it. It left me a suspicious wreck. Then when Helen Richardson came in, it seemed like… she was in the same place I was, but worse, further along. I thought, maybe if I could help her, that would mean… maybe I wasn’t beyond help?

(188). helen and jon lie at opposite ends of the same spectrum. both of them derive pleasure from the suffering of others

HELEN

Oh, John! This existence can be wonderful, if you just let it.

ARCHIVIST

[Sadly] I know.

(187). needless to say that a LOT of jon's arc and the themes surrounding him focus on the concept of autonomy and addiction and i think it'd be fair to say that this component is an aspect of that. repressing these qualities is both a way of reaffirming his control and also just.. him trying to be what he perceives as Good, and season 5 is the point at which this comes to the forefront of his character- particularly the line between what is intrinsic and what he truly has control over. a battle of the concept of the self, if you will. while the two share similar traits, jon is intensely moralistic while helen indulges in a twisted sense of hedonism and both are fueled by an inability to expand their viewpoint. helen fully immerses herself within these qualities and intentionally blinds herself to any concepts of morality (indulgence), and jon actively pushes back on this as hard as he can and follows black and white moral framework (repression). this means that in order for their relationship to function he must either accept her, choosing to let go in his personal battle with autonomy OR she must break out of her worldview and conform to standards of human morality which goes against her own nature.

part three: questions i do not have the answer to

so. what does it all mean. WELL. 187 is the boiling point of all this tension. we know that helen relies on jon to validate her sense of self and we know that jon sees himself in helen, both past and present

HELEN

But that doesn’t make any sense. You barely met her. You had half an hour together, and she spent most of that ranting about mazes! She was positively delirious with paranoia!

ARCHIVIST

True. But as you’ll recall, I was pretty paranoid myself at that point.

HELEN

So what? You saw yourself in her? A sad reflection? A possible future?

(187). I’d argue that 187 is demonstrative of jon’s inability to either fall into complete indulgence in intrinsic values that lack moral validity vs. maintain and image of self that does not conflict with the values he attempts to uphold in order to find internal satisfaction and yes both of those concepts are inherently egocentric as he bases his moral judgement on what he can justify to himself instead of what can be calculated via empathy. however. paired with the alternative (helen). is that BAD. is it inherently selfish to do what you perceive as good in order to feed your own savior complex? and if so, is it inherently selfish to indulge in destructive qualities as to not delude yourself? is honesty vs deception a black and white question? if not, where does helen even fall? in not deluding herself does she achieve a moral high ground? IS she deluding herself by denying the potential to be facetiously benevolent at the detriment of both her personal enjoyment and her honesty? does helen even posses the capability to repress her violent qualities? if she doesn't, does she have any autonomy? if she and jon are both inherently selfish and intentionally resistant to introspection, what makes them different? i do not have answers but i do think the text is meant to invoke these questions. i mean,

MICHAEL (STATEMENT)

There was a great evil, she said, and Michael was going to help her fight it. Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When that nature is created by those which revile it? Perhaps Gertrude believed so. Michael certainly did. He believed everything she told him.

(101).

part 5: conclusion

so once again. what does it all mean. well! even post helen’s death jon continues to fight for autonomy and preserve his moral worldview so. i think that probably indicates something good.

MARTIN

Huh. She couldn’t help what she was, I guess.

ARCHIVIST

She didn’t even try.

(188). i honestly don’t have a thesis i just find it incredibly interesting how the themes surrounding these two intersect and play off of each other. anyways looping back to 187 i do think in a broad sense jon killing helen is representative of him choosing to stick by his convictions and keep fighting. i don’t have any good way to end this but thanks for sticking around during my self indulgent rambling!

[tobiosmilktea]

(3)—and so they’ve never really had convo’s unless they get invited to hang out w/ their mutual friends. so maybe it makes them think if they’ve done anything wrong to her, but in reality it’s just her way of coping when she starts to genuinely like someone? so if she avoids them, she thinks it will get rid of her crush on them? it’s your choice if it’s the reader or the guy that’ll confess! ☺️ anyways, god bless and i hope you have a good day xx

on avoiding your crush with oikawa, kuroo, akaashi, and terushima

a/n: ngl this one is kinda long that’s why it took a while to post, but i like spoiling you guys so enjoy :))

— o. tooru

you were never really the type to confess your feelings to someone as not doing anything about your feelings and forgetting them is much easier that having to suffer the consequences of rejection or heartbreak

this was especially prevalent when the boy you’re literally head over heels for is in fact none other than the golden boy of seijoh himself, oikawa tooru

homeboy has a literal entourage of girls following around all the time

they literally give him sweet little gifts like baked goods and cute little knickknacks, not to mention a lot of them are super pretty and attractive

like how the hell could you compete with that many girls ??

not to mention you had always come to believe that oikawa was into more outspoken and lively girls granted his own personality

that dynamic of you being the quiet one in the relationship with him being the loud one was something you thought oikawa wasn’t looking for,, it honestly made you want to give up your feelings for him completely

mind you, you literally CANNOT escape this man

not only was he talked about a lot among your classmates, but by some form of sheer luck and faith, you two were both in the same friend group

you honestly had no idea how the hell you were part of it in the first place, but during first year you just magically became part of this friend group composed of oikawa, iwaizumi, mattsukawa, and a couple of other girls from your year

anyone that attended seijoh with half a brain cell would know that the friend group you were in was definitely the popular crowd

you couldn’t help but feel some sort of impostor syndrome as you weren’t exactly the most popular, if anything people only knew you as the quiet girl in oikawa’s group

that definitely didn’t mean that anyone in your circle was rude to you in any way

everyone in your friend group would literally die for you as you’re genuinely the sweetest person they have ever met

like if they hear anyone talk shit about you, they’re immediately #protecty/n2020 !!

yet despite being in the same circle of friends, you and oikawa rarely talk. hell, you guys are barely considered acquaintances let alone friends

you liked to stick around the girls of the group more as the only guy you actually talked to in your circle was iwaizumi and that was it

this obviously led oikawa to believe that he had done something to you that made you avoid him at all costs

the thing is, he always had this problem with since the start of your first year together, but recently it had been affecting him more than he had thought considering he would’ve been used to it by now in his third year

perhaps it was the way he would watch you giggle at something matsukawa whispered in your ear, or the fact that you literally had a secret handshake with iwaizumi, or often shared some of the snacks you bought with your girl friend but did absolutely nothing with him

it irked him to his very core that the one he had always was the most found with in his group of friends was someone who avoided him at all costs

he would spend his breaks during practice to exasperatedly vent to iwaizumi about how adorable your laugh was and how envious he was that he couldn’t make you laugh

or how whenever you would sometimes greet iwaizumi with a hug but completely pass by him would literally make him chase after you

“Y/N!! where’s my hug??” 

yeah he’s that type of guy, but in a good way tho lmao

and in the midst of oikawa telling his best friend how much he just wanted to be your friend made iwaizumi roll his eyes

“the way you talk about (y/n) makes it sound like you like her,” he would mutter nonchalantly as he sipped at his water bottle

iwaizumi would flicker his gaze towards oikawa to see the capillaries in his cheeks literally burst, tinting his cheeks all pink 

he had to stop himself from snorting out a laugh as iwa may or may not have known about your crush on seijoh’s golden boy himself

the way he had find out was pretty simple considering you and iwa were walking side by side near the back of the group as they were walking towards somewhere to eat

the girls and mattsun in the front were too busy teasing oikawa, that they weren’t really paying attention to you and iwa lagging behind

“you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but why do you avoid him?” iwaizumi asked gently. as he was the only guy in the group that you trusted, he didn’t want to ruin it by forcing an answer out of you knowing how you were

immediately, your cheeks heated you lowered your voice down into a mere whisper. “promise me you won’t tell anyone,” iwa nodded before bringing his ear down so you could whisper in his ear. “i really like oikawa and...” you paused, almost hesitating and you don’t exactly know why

but fortunately, iwa was super patient with you like he’s literally a homie

“and?”

“i’ve liked him since our first year and i figured avoiding him would make me lose feelings. but the thing is, it’s been three years and i still like that idiot.” you sighed, and yet for once you didn’t expect the worst as you knew you could trust iwa with valuable information like that

he nods, pinching his pointer finger and his thumb together before pretending to lock his lips. “you’re secret safe with me, (y/n).”

so here iwa was now, attempting to provoke something in oikawa 

it was then the coach had blown the whistle, signalling that break time was over and they had to get back on court for their last practice game

oikawa cleared his throat as they stood up, flickering a look towards his best friend as he suddenly remembered the times he felt envious of him. “what if i do like (y/n)?”

iwaizumi feigned a smirk on his lips, “then confess to her before i do.” (he wasn’t actually going to lol)

and lemme tell you sumn, even though this was just a practice game, oikawa played as if his life depended on it

as if having you depended on it

and per usual, oikawa’s team won in the end and every day after volleyball practice, you and the rest of the girls would walk in and wait for the rest of the boys to get ready so you can all get food

there you were in all your glory, you hair blew gently behind you due to the air conditioned gym. you were waiting patiently and you definitely didn’t mind waiting as the boys had to clean up after themselves, but you swore you had never seen oikawa clean up faster in his life

once the vb team finished and your circle of friends were on your way out of school, oikawa purposely lagged behind the group as he stood next to you to your surprise

he was usually leading the group, but for once he was at the end with you. giving you a smile, to which you quickly avoided, oikawa quickly rested his hand around you

“hey (y/n)?” he says as you try your best to hide the sudden onset of heat rising to your cheeks

“hm?” you hummed, attempting to not give much of a reaction. maybe then he would leave you alone and your feelings for him would finally disappear

oikawa brought his lips to your ear, “do you know how long i’ve liked you?”

and immediately you froze, forcing oikawa to stop walking too and making the gap between you and the rest of the group to widen. you shake the thought out of your head, he’s probably playing around, you thought before continuing down the road

“shut it, oikawa.” you pulled yourself out of his grasp only to be pulled back in by him

“i’m serious, (y/n). i’ve liked you for a while now and it’s been absolute torture seeing you be closer to iwa and mattsun rather than me.” muttered oikawa, almost feeling embarrassed himself despite experiencing many confessions himself

perhaps maybe this time he was the one confessing and not the other way around

— k. tetsurou

where do i even start with this man

there was something always so compelling about kuroo, that you really couldn’t resist his good looks and to how kind he treated you

granted, you were the manager for nekoma’s volleyball team so maybe it was a given, but there is no denying the fact that you were irrevocably head over heels for the captain

your feelings for him initially formed in the middle of your first year at nekoma and the volleyball team’s manager was already in their last yer and preparing to leave so they needed a replacement

at first you said no, but kuroo, who was also a first year and in the same class as you literally begged for you to join. he mentioned how fun it would be, especially with him around

from the way your heart bounded in place within the confines of your ribs, to the way your cheeks often heated up whenever you were around him, even kenma (who you didn’t even meet until your second year) had already seen through you

fortunately, kenma was always the kind to mind his own business and stay in his lane. in fact, he had actually been a big help in you vying for kuroo’s attention but you both eventually got tired of how daft the captain had been

instead, you aimed to just avoid kuroo as much as possible for the time being, perhaps your feelings for him from the past three years would finally disappear and you can finally move on with your life

but it was safe to say you were not anticipating how hard it was going to be

not only were the nekoma’s volleyball manager and had to interact with the captain, you and kenma were also close friends. and when it comes to being friends with kenma, kuroo is more or less with him as well which made it inevitably more difficult

momma didn’t raise no bitch tho, so you powered through and avoided kuroo as best as you could and only talked to him if it involved school or volleyball

this was technically the worst form of silent treatment where it wasn’t full on ignoring (which honestly isn’t that bad cause you tended to forget about the person anyway) but this kind of silent treatment where you are constantly reminded of it because you had to talk once in a while was literally killing kuroo slowly

he was always a social person and usually respected and didn’t mind those who wanted to distance themselves from him, but once it came from you, it was literally game over

he believed that you were the second closest person to him besides kenma (and excluding the rest of the vb team) and the fact that you don’t even like making eye contact with him makes him feel dejected

especially when your actions really came abrupt as one day you were laughing and hanging out with him to giving him the cold shoulder and only talking to kenma

kuroo genuinely thought he had done something to you 

eventually, after volleyball practice where everyone had to clean up, he would deliberately slowed down and waited until you and him were the last ones in the gymnasium

“(y/n),” he called out to you as you finished putting all the stray balls into it’s respective basket

your eyes widened into saucers as your pulse suddenly increased, turning around to face the tall captain, you had to force a mellow look upon your face

he held the net in his hands, “could you help me with this?”

you didn’t even mutter a response as you only nodded. you hated how you had to act so cold to him, but it was what you had to do in order to leave your feelings for him behind

your train of thought went like this: it was only a couple months before your third year ended anyway, might as well forget about him

walking past the captain, you bent down and grabbed the other end of the net and you two began folding it in quietly

kuroo was going to spark a conversation, but he surprisingly found that silence blanketing you two to be comforting. he couldn’t take his eyes off of you each and every time the net had gotten shorter and shorter

eventually you two met in the middle, your eyes were directly looking at his broad chest you had hesitantly flickering a glance up at him

“stop ignoring me,” kuroo said in almost a harsh whisper

your cheeks flared red as you looked away shyly, pulling the net along with you and out of his hands. “i’m not ignoring you.”

“yes, you are.” he presses, “we were fine before, but now you don’t even talk to me anymore... did i do something wrong?”

you couldn’t help but notice that slight hurt in his serious tone that made you look back to him. your eyebrows furrow as suddenly your throat felt incredibly dry

“you didn’t do anything wrong,” you answered while kuroo approached you closer

“then what is it?” he scoffs dejectedly, placing his hands on his hips as he searched your expression for any answer. it was then his eyes widened larger than ever as he felt the rhythm of his heart quicken, “holy shit,” he sighed, “did you find out?”

confusion melted over your visage as you looked up at him, “find out what?”

“lev and yaku probably told you didn’t they?”

you were still not following, “told me what?”

“that i like you!” he exclaimed, his sudden confess echoing throughout the empty gym as everything went silent. the only sound surrounding you two was the air conditioning circulating around you two as you were completely frozen in place

you mouth ran slightly agape and undeniably speechless at the mere fact that that just happened. you certainly weren’t expecting it as your cheeks heated up for the umpteenth time, you swore they were never going to be given a break anytime soon.

meanwhile, whilst you were in a state of utter shock, the worst was spiraling inside kuroo psyche. with how long the silence fell upon you two, he couldn’t help but to feel that you were just thinking of a nice way to reject him

“look (y/n), i--” he was immediately cut off by you throwing a light punch to his chest, your eyes had fallen to the floor to hide the burning red sensation tinting your ears and cheeks

“i like you too, idiot.” you mutter, almost feeling a shiver down your spine as kuroo held your hand that was on his chest. “why do you think i was avoiding you for so long?”

— a. keiji

as i’ve mentioned in previous headcanons, homeboy is BLUNT

and he would definitely call you out on your shit with avoiding him and all

despite being on the quieter side, he does like conversing with other people with his amiable witticisms and classical one-liners whenever he would pop into a conversation

usually people (specifically ones he’s not entirely close to) would get annoyed by this, which is why he’s quiet in the first place. but when he first met you, you played off of his words. for once, akaashi was surprised by this and was immediately compelled by you

meanwhile, you were good friends with bokuto, which was the only reason why you had gotten to know the setter in the first place. you were well aware that he was bo’s best friend and was genuinely surprised how nuanced the pair was

eventually, you had come to take a liking for the boy as he was always quiet and a bit mysterious, yet whenever he talked it would always make you laugh or melt a smirk on your face

you were a year older and in the same year as bokuto, so to you it always seemed a bit weird to date someone younger than you. you always pined yourself as someone who would rather date older guys or someone around your age, but this was definitely an exception

however, you definitely didn’t like the idea of perhaps confessing to akaashi and then leaving in a couple months for college. it honestly seemed like a waste of time to get into a relationship especially in this time of the school year, so had decided to do something you had always done:

avoid your feelings until they disappear into oblivion

it would make things easier on both of your parts anyway, you were in your last year of high school and on your way to college while akaashi had the possibility of taking over the captain spot next year and had to focus on his final year

besides, despite knowing him for a good two years, you could never tell whether or not he liked you (even as a friend)

so here you were, acting suspiciously cold and avoiding your underclassman who, for once, is vying for you attention and you aren’t even noticing

whenever you were around bokuto, akaashi would purposely try to be in the conversation more and maybe even try to stand closer to you than before. he would often ignore the slight aching jealousy in his gut whenever you and bokuto messed around during lunch

honestly, homie doesn’t even know he has feelings for you and just simply thinks he did something wrong that you don’t want to interact with him anymore

he eventually went to bokuto about it, “does (y/n) hate me?”

and perhaps his best friend had to feign laughing right in akaashi’s face at this, “why would you think that?”

“well, she’s avoiding me and i don’t like it.”

one of bokuto’s eyebrows lift as he gave akaashi a look, “why don’t you ask her yourself?”

the setter sighs, “but she’s an upper--”

“since when were you scared of third years?” the alabaster haired boy chuckles, “c’mon akaashi, you’re a big boy now. deal with that yourself.”

the second year grumbles as he pushing himself off his chair, “fine.” he mutters as he made his way out of bo’s classroom and towards the courtyard where you sometimes hung out during lunch

he immediately spotted your figure talking among other third year girls, eyes never leaving you as he made his way over.

“excuse me, can i borrow (y/n) for a minute?” he asked, his height looming over you and the others as they gave you a look.

a sigh left your lips as you excused yourself and went with akaashi. you didn’t bother speaking to him as you simply just followed him into an empty hallway

“do you know how rude it is to ignore people, senpai?” he starts, provocation lacing his words as you gave him a look. he was well aware of the fact that you lowkey didn’t like being called senpai, so he was definitely saying just to get you riled up

“eh,” you shrug, trying to act nonchalant as possible. “it depends on who and why you’re ignoring them.”

“why are you ignoring me then?” he interrogates you.

and you weren’t entirely sure if it was his height towering over you or the way his words were leaving your mouth that made your heart skip a beat, you had almost forgot his was your kouhai

“because.”

akaashi peered his eyes at how sus you were being, “because??”

you sigh, ripping your eyes away from him as you thought to yourself briefly. you definitely couldn’t continue looking at him as each beat that passes you felt the rhythm of your heart quicken. was he really affecting you this much?

you considered this: you were in the your last and final year with the possibility of not seeing akaashi ever again once you graduate. despite it being a bit bittersweet, telling him your feelings would possibly lift some weight off your shoulders and you didn’t have to worry about it anymore

looking back at him, you swallowed your pride. fuck it

“because i have feelings for you and i’m trying to forget them,” you confess quickly as your arms braided over each other, watching as akaashi’s expression morphed into surprise and almost a mere confusion

“y-you like me?” he asks for a confirmation to which to nod and watch his cheeks and his ears burst into shades of pink and red blush

perhaps you found yourself blushing too with how adorable he was as he cleared his throat to regain his composure

“why were you trying to forget them?” there was a hint of hesitance in his voice as he asked, almost to afraid to know the reason.

bittersweetness suddenly coursed through your veins as you sigh, “i’m going to graduate in a few months, akaashi... i’m going to go away for college while you’re still going to be here and i’m not sure if we’re actually going to see each other again.”

“we can if we tried,” he mutters quietly as there was still an inch of hope within him. “we can still make it work.”

“you think so?”

“i know so.”

— t. yuuji

you had now idea how the hell you had come to like someone like terushima yuuji

not only was he incredibly loud and a bit childish in nature, he was an absolute fuckboy

it should’ve been a big enough turn off, but perhaps you somehow liked how he would remember the little things whenever he would annoy the shit out of you everyday

like how you always got melon buns for lunch, he would always buy you one before you even had the chance. or how he knew your favorite subject was math, despite you never mentioning to him. or how he knew that there was always a kick in your step whenever you were in a good mood.

despite his persistent nature is more likely to come off as arrogant and annoying, sometimes his assertiveness comes to be beneficial at times

like that one time you were walking home during the night and a pair of creepy older dudes kept asking you for your number, terushima (who was also going home after volleyball practice) had come to help you

his persistence in making sure the guys left you alone had worked and perhaps the way he wrapped his arm around you protectively had your heart pumping faster than you anticipated

that was when you had finally come to the conclusion that you had feelings for some fuckboy name terushima yuuji, who literally annoyed you to your core

knowing damn well that terushima wasn’t going anywhere, you figured that if you avoided him enough, that your feelings for him would eventually go away

you supposed it was because of his usual nature, constantly flirting around with other girls before eventually getting bored of them. it then rang into your head, wondering when terushima would eventually get bored of you

perhaps there was an aching his your heart when you thought about it, but in your brain you wished for him to forget about you. if anything, it would’ve made loosing your feelings for the blond boy to go away easier

your avoidance and lack of interaction with terushima definitely did not unnoticed by him. if anything, it made him want to talk to you more

he would literally shower you with melon buns and snacks during lunch, to which you would politely decline and walk away from him. he would greet you everyday in the mornings, to which you would simply flicker him a look before brushing past him

for once, terushima felt challenged when it came it you and only fueled his yearning to get back to that stage of comfortably throwing his arm over your shoulder

it even got to the point of you ignoring him enough that you started talking to another guy in your class, with how comfortable you are with the new dude as you were playfully handsy and giggled loudly at his jokes

perhaps he felt a bit jealous that someone else was making you act like. terushima wanted that to be him

it was like a wave of emotions had tumbled over him as he saw you and the boy walking with a group of others in front of him. he swiftly caught up and pulled you away from the group fast enough that they didn’t notice

“terushima?” you said breathlessly

“i like you, (y/n).” he went straight to the point. there was no reason to beat around the bush any longer as you and him were finally alone together and he didn’t know whether he would have this chance ever again, “i like you a lot, so stop ignoring me.”

“y-you like me?” you repeat, you eyebrows suddenly furrowing. “is this a joke?”

homie couldn’t help but notice the slight worry lacing your voice, as if he wasn’t serious and just playing you. he was well away of his reputation and certainly did not want it to get in the way of you and him. 

“i’m serious.” he reassures, “there’s a reason why you’re the only one i haven’t gotten bored of.”