#like holy shit. holy SHIIIITTTTT

[lunarrolls]

i’m. a little bit wrecked over ashton in episode 78 y’all. i’m a little sad. just a little . i just. damn.

they hurt themself really fucking badly. and they could have killed their friends chasing something that was never theirs, chasing a reality that never was, that they never actually wanted in the first place. all because he was just fucking wrong about something. they just—they made a mistake. and it was the worst possible mistake they could have made. and i’m just thinking about how awful that is, to realize how little you actually value your own life in the middle of a crater you made with your own body because you just died and reformed and all you can think is how much you would have deserved to stay dead, to hurt forever, for the fact that the people before you were cruel and horrible and you mirrored them without a second thought in a matter of days.

like that’s so fucked dude. how do you rebuild a self esteem you never had after doing something so monumentally wrong. you stop using that false bravado because it won’t do you any good anymore, now that they all know how weak you are. how do you start caring about yourself when there’s so much to loathe, so much to make up for, so much to apologize for. that’s fucking terrible. how is he literally ever gonna trust himself again? trust his own judgement? trust what he wants? the last time he wanted something that badly it killed him and nearly broke his friends. like holy shit. how do you. how. how?

[silverselfshippingchaos]

I've been playing s.aints r.ow (2022) so much as of late!

(n.eenah looks so cool...)

CHECK OUT THE GANG ‼️‼️‼️ THEY'RE ALL MY BESTIES‼️‼️I wanna make an s/i just so she can be stupid with them!

This is my player character!

Her looks are obviously inspired by mine, with the skin color and the red glasses (wouldn't be me without my red glasses haha!), but we have some different features. There's also a red jacket because I wear my favorite red jacket a lot and that's the signature color of many of my s/is!

My player character is so fun and cool and I love her so much!

The friends are so goofy and funny!

[thiswatchcassie]

Murdoch Mysteries s1ep1 "Power"

This is it! the first episode of Murdoch Mysteries, i cant fucking WAIT to watch this! after the break is my bullet point live reaction to/ thoughts about the episode. the final paragraph is my concluding thoughts!

TWs for this episode: Animal Death, electrocution, death of a pregnant person,

THE THEME SONG!!!! AAAA MY HEART!!!

Awwww baby Julia and williammmm

“Are we having a picnic” yes Julia, you are having a picnic!!! Also YOU TWO ARE GOING TO FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER

CRABTREE!!!!!

God I love Jonny, hes so fucking funny or an actor and a comideien.

Wow I forgot that the FIRST episode is THIS episode, like I know it was but like wow

TW animal death, poor pup, and shoutout to this woman from the humane society! The actor who plays her feels very familiar i wonder if she plays any other characters that I’ve seen

I remember the costuming being a lot worse…. I mean it’s not perfect, but considering they don’t bail now an exact year for another few seasons, and they weren’t working with an unlimited budget, everyone is dressed nicely for the period.

Im obsessed with this very obviously direct printed canal sign behind this man in the 1890s

episodes since a mention of or character who is a real historic figure 0 (Thomas Edison)

Wow I forgot just how quickly they nailed down the “we are gonna talk about real people and rope them i to our fiction” aspect of the show so early on.

Shout out ALICE!!! Miss Toronto Electric and Light!!! Pop off girl queen pussy boss!!!

Holy shit there’s a second real life person it’s Nicola Tesla!

Poor puppy :( I hope he lives

HE LIVES!

poor Alice… miss toronto electric and light didn’t deserve to die for this

HELL YEAH DR JULIA MOTHER FUCKING OGDEN!!!! GIRLBOSSING HER WAY AROUND A DEAD BODY!!!!

We finish each others sandwiches moment rn

Good for Crabtree helping Edna with the dog

HI INSPCTORRRRRRRRRRDRR BRACKENREEDDDD

First scene in Murdochs office, it’s just sooooooo <<<333 i love It, cozy, filled with turn of the century knickknacks and dodads, big open windows letting in and out light. Loves it!

We have the Pinkerton name dropped in episode one, but if im not mistaken they did some timey whimey magic and met the founder of the Pinkerton in a later season PRE her founding of Pinkerton… which of course post dates the irl founding of Pinkerton in the 1850s

Oh 2008 cgi my beloved

Why is Nicola Tesla talking… like that?

And why is he fucking around with transmissions?

Call it “tella-…..vision” god the name dropping

George…. DONT FUCK THÉ POSSIBLE SUSPECT

Edna my girl queen pussy boss

I had to look it up because I couldn’t take her face from my mind, Edna does come back at a later date and she was an amazing character

Tesla…. God I don’t like how Tesla is

It’s gonna get on my nerves th inconsistency of when the show is set and thus the technology available

Awww Julia has a little goldfish in the morgue!

She’s so fucking smart I love her

Miss Howard was pregggooooo shiiiittttt

“Men doted on her” SLAYYYYYYYY

Oooooo who gave her that necklace????

Hell yeah Crabtree give them to the dog

This is why I love George he mama jokes about taking dogs out on a date and wooing girls

okay brackenreed making quips about retireing all the way back in season one..... he just needs a break

ah yes nicola tesla creating a wireless phone in ONE DAY very realistic

george is gonna getttt itttttt

damnnnn 20k??? TWENTY THOUSAND 1890S DOLLARS????

20k in 1890 is about 600k now.... damnnnnn

"i have a confession, it wasnt your dog i was sweet on" george is the RIZZ MASTER

awwww edna giving george a lil forhead kiss.... my heart <3 counting down until s8 when she is back

awwwwwww and then they kiss, and georges sweet lil smile <3 my fucking HEARTTTTTTTTT WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO BE HAPPY

shit what did she have?

oh and dodd is dead

i think this is the first time william crosses himself upon seeing a dead body (something that will happen at least 263 more times lmao) i really liked when they touched on murdochs faith and the ongoing disputes between prodestants and catholics in toronto around the turn of the century

i love how in the daylight "dodds office" is very clearly just a room in station 4 lmao

YASSSS JULIAAAAA GIRLBOSSSING HER WAY AROUND A SECOND CRIME SCENE

aw george looks like a kicked puppy trying to tell murdoch about the papers he found at edna's

this is not the last animal rights activist to get involved in a murder investigation

"i understand you enjoy a challange" if murdoch just fucked these scientists, and authors and other historical figures well.... it would be very beliveable. hes the original simp

hes also VERY catholic repressed

i mean there was an entire plotline (spoilers, SPOILERS!!!!) after julia and murdoch got married about him feeling intimadated by her experence 'in the bedroom' to his virginity.... and like mans was NOT YOUNG when they got married

prrrr wax cylander recordings

"case closed" yes juliaaaa you make up these now well known phrases

ohhhhh so thats who got Alice pregnant

poor alice, she didnt need to die

byeeee edna!!!! see you in eight seasons!!!!!

"we are men of the future murdoch" thank you tesla very cool

and thats it!!! the FIRST EPISODE!!!!

ah i loved it, it feels very early seasons, but in a good way. of course the fashion history lover in me is picking up on all the little things but i MUST REMAIN FOCUSED!! the plot was nice, i loved edna and george. feel very bad for emily howard, she really didnt need to die. shout out to julia whos job in the moruge is always refreshing to see.

HOWEVER it is missing that one litle 'spark' so to speak to make it a truely great episode in my mind, so i give it a 8/10. could be better could be very much worse.

wooo! first episode done 263 (and counting) i am now 0.38% done!

[beansandavocados]

*SPOILERS FOR THE SECOND DREAM SMP WAR*

(everything I talk about is from tubbo, wilbur, and technos povs)

SHIT WENT DOWN TODAY LADS, GALS, AND PALS

okay everyone was on today. literally everyone and most of everything that happened before wilbur and tommy got on was just people bouncing from vc to vc, theorising who the traitor was, and last minute plans and loot gathering

tubbo and quackity had a moment before they gathered with techno, fundy, and niki. as they gathered, eret joined them and stated that dream stripped him of his title of king of the smp

they adopted eret into the group as wilbur and tommy joined the server

wilbur and tommy talked for a bit with each other before joining the pogtopia vc as they were yelled at by the same vc to join the call

once they did, chaos from that many people errupted and they moved from their spot to pogtopia over the span of a slow 10 minutes.

techno got tired of it and just yelled at everyone to head to his base under the lake. once they were all assembled in the public part of it, techno activated a secret door to a lower chamber with dozens of fully stocked chests full of weapons, foods, gear, and 5 full pieces of netherite armor

it was actually fucking crazy and everyone was wearing armor, except wilbur. once everyone gathered what they wanted, they returned to the surface where skeppy, bbh, and antfrost were waiting for them. the entire group of wilbur, tommy, tubbo, techno, quackity, fundy, niki, eret, bbh, skeppy, and ant made their way back to manberg

as soon as pogtopia was within range, schlatt and dream opened fire from eret's tower and the war officially started

pogtopia stormed the tower and chaos errupted. I couldn't understand anything anyone was saying but dream and schlatt ender pearled out of the tower towards manberg. idk if karl was actually fighting with dream and schlatt but he died several times but not really anyone else died

during the chaos, dream typed in chat asking to talk to wilbur. after agreeing to it and telling everyone to stand down, dream moved wilbur into a private vc. dream flat out said that schlatt's an idiot and wilbur was like yeah we know what's your point?

dream then says to join the vc with everyone else and after wilbur told everyone to shut up, dream said that they surrendered and led the group of like 15 ppl to the hto van. schlatt was there unarmed and defenseless

schlatt was washed up, drunk, and senile and it was actually really sad seeing the manburg dictator like that in the moment. jumping out of his stupor, schlatt started just punching fundy even though it pointless, he started calling quackity a flatty patty and so on and so forth. tommy eventually stepped in with an arrow loaded into dreams crossbow and pointed it at schlatt. words were exchanged and before tommy could fire the arrow, schlatt fell out of the world.

everyone was shocked but nonetheless, they started celebrating because the war was officially over and manburg was won back. in the celebration, wilbur told everyone to shut up again in order for dream to say that their was no traitor and he had lied about it.

more celebratory shouts and stuff happened, the vc was chaos, and whatever but wilbur told everyone to head to the podium. in doing so, wilbur told tommy to get on the mic as the president elect of manburg.

shocked, tommy took the stage for his first official speech as the president for manburg. tommy said it was a hard won honor to be on that stage back in manburg, and decreed that it was meant to be. he then said that manburg would again be known as l'manburg. everyone celebrated but tommy stopped them and said that he couldn't stay on as president, not until he got his disks back from skeppy. he then named wilbur as president to replace him

after tommy left the podium and wilbur stood in front of everyone, he decreed that the flag that signified schlatt's regime was to be taken down and l'manburg's yellow, red, white, and blue flag be errected once again. more cheers but wilbur stopped these as well and stated that technoblade had taught wilbur a lot and that in doing so, wilbur could no longer trust the government. wilbur conceded as president and named tubbo as president of l'manburg

wilbur left the podium and tubbo replaced him. tubbo have a fantastic speech and stated that they had a lot of work to do to fix up l'manburg but it was finally theirs again. and it was to be a place that everyone on the smp would be welcomed

everyone was finally allowed to cheer now that tubbo was the official president of l'manburg. while everyone was celebrating, wilbur said he'd be right back, exited the vc, and started making his way behind the podium. behind where the white house once stood...

wilbur than began to say chekhov's gun over and over again. he then entered the button room and sat down in the chair, looking at the button

eleven and a half stacks of tnt was rigged to blow under l'manburg and wilbur said that as long as the button was there, he just couldn't not press it

in the middle of wilbur's mental breakdown, the philza minecraft joined the vc and asked wilbur what he was doing. wilbur lied and said that he celebrating in l'manburg and trying to act cool

philza joined the game and spawned in the button room, behind wilbur

philza tried to talk sense into wilbur and tried to have him back away from the button. wilbur fully lost it and said that he was the traitor and had been all along

wilbur pressed the button, turned his back to it, and saluted philza as the tnt exploded and put a massive crater in l'manburg

philza killed wilbur and immediately took off through the crater, leaving wilbur in his madness as he laughed on. wilbur then stated that the traitor was both him and techno and that techno was going to spawn withers on top of the ruins of manburg

true to his word, techno spawned two and it was chaos, everyone was fighting a wither (one was called subscribe to technoblade)

in the chaos wilbur said that he wished the best to tubbo's presidency and that wilbur would be back very, very soon on the smp. he then ended stream and logged off

chaos ensued and tommy and tubbo managed some control after the withers were killed and asked everyone who remained on pogtopia/l'manburg's side to join a vc

techno then started lighting off his own three stacks of tnt on whatever was left of l'manburg. dream and george helped and everyone else who hadn't join the l'manburg vc just pretty much talked amongst themselves casually

in the mean time, dream said that his agreement with wilbur (I guess THE agreement about being a traitor idk) was that no matter what, l'manburg would blow up

I don't know what tommy and l'manburg talked about during this time, I had had to stop watching the streams but this is was happened today and holy fuck

*EDIT*

OKAY watching tubbo's pov and updating as I found out shit from the moment wilbur left to push the button and wtffff

they started taking down the festival decorations and dream said oh yeah no there was a traitor

cue techno immediately launching into an anarchist monologue, killing tubbo, and stating that both him and wilbur are the traitors

techno is now toeing the line of villainy with an amazing analogue and spawned the withers

philza immediately is just like alright, half of my kids are violent anarchists and so I'mma suit up in full netherite and help the other half

also george finally showing up after building a fucking house for two hours on the server

l'manburg is officially tommy, tubbo, quackity, fundy, niki, eret, karl, and philza

TOMMY AND TUBBO MOMENT IT HURTS

CONNOREATSPANTS WTF OOOOHHHHH SHIIIITTTTT and apparently someone other than connor and philza?? if I understood dream right

tubbo and quackity are talking and tubbo wants to clean up l'manburg and rebuild it on stilts and a glass tunnel through it all which is fucking cool

tubbo is president, tommy is vice president, quackity is the secretary of state, fundy is the fourman (makes everything run smoothly), phil is an advisor, and karl is the creative input

NEW L'MANBURG !!

l'manburg is not a government, it is a collective (so as not to have techno completely obliterate them for existing)

l'manburg is supposed to be peaceful and ask for permission from now on

DREAMON HUNTING IS GETTING GOVERNMENT FUNDING AND A DISCORD GROUPCHAT

okay now that's it's holy fuck

*EDIT OF THE EDIT*

IVE BEEN INFORMED THAT CAPTAIN PUFFY IS ALSO WHITELISTED

um yeah shit this was something else today and btw, this is all a bit, it's not real. don't get your panties all in a knot because of people roleplaying in a fucking block game

[breadloverboy]

A-z

IM SORRY WHOEVER WROTE THIS THAT I MISSED IT BUT HERE WE GO(Something I love that starts with every letter)A: Animals. Especially cute onesB: band (duh)C: CrossmenD: drum corpsE: Elephants, all because of a friend in high schoolF: French hornG: great food. Like, all of it H: HolstI: Ice cream, specifically Dairy QueenJ: Jose Cuervo K: Kaaaattttt!!!!! @cardinal-youthL: Lame dad jokesM: Mahler, his music is the shiiiitttttN: Nightime walksO: orchestraP: potatoesQ: Queso. The good Texan kind, not the crap chipotle makes R: romantic thingies S: students, at least the ones I teach. Holy crap they don't know it but they inspire the shit out of meT: TeachingU: über (not the company, it's just my favorite wordV: violinW: Wawa chocolate milkX: XtordinarY (best cavaliers show and I couldn't think of anything for this letter)Y: Yellowstone national park (favorite place to travel to)Z: 💤, I like to sleep

[cyberrat]

pornowatch replied to your post: soooo what are we up to today :O whisper it in me...

Omega Reyes going into a painful heat, and beta Jesse doing his best to take the edge off. Jesse isn’t good at pretending to be one of those aggro alphas (he fucks all casual and lazy like), but he finds he gets REALLY turned on by the idea of impregnating Reyes

holy shit

hooollyyyy shiiiittttt

that’s hot af...

I might just... 

I might just write A/B/O this weekend....

[isaacathom]

aw dude i missed the fire emble direct

wheres the links? gimme gimme

oh for fucks sake, is this WHOLE direct narrated by fucking sasuke.

see, why Gaiden specifically. was gaiden the start of one of the series? is it standalone? i dont know anything about gaiden like at all. ok, thats a lie, i do recognize the names Duma and Mila from that one time i hella dag through the wiki.

is sasuke actually narrating the whole direct because im suffering. yuri lowenthals voice is distinctive. itd be like if bryce papenbrook appeared outta nowhere and started narrating something, id know. 

... buddy, its a soft t, not a hard t, the other narrator already said that. we thinking this a language gap? valen-shia, not valen-T-a. or something. that sounds weird. i dont like it with a pronounced t, i prefer smoothed.

also those cutscenes by that other studio? they look so good. are they the same people who did the cutscenes in the other games? if so, theyve improved drastically? i mean, im not animator, but it looks less like ‘heres our in game models but bigger and smoother, here they go’ and more ‘we might have used models as a base but we can do foreshortening and stuff that models cant’. idk. the lil bit of cutscene just looks way more... animated-y than the ones in fates. gets me hype. i love it.

god i hope this is good. it looks so good. i wasnt even gonna watch the direct until i saw ‘fire emblem gaiden for 3ds’ and now im in. i want it. gimme gimme. it looks so good. ill wait until after release though. not because im broke but because i like reserving judgement, lmao.

i want that Celica amiibo. holy shit. look at her?? shes gorgeous. that amiibo looks stunning.

also why specifically yuri lowenthal. like.... what. he did a corrin voice, ricken, marth and kiragi. three of those are technically optonal voices (because i know i never ended up getting kiragi, and i dont play male corrin, and marth is amiibo exclusive) so like. what. you just had him lying around and went ‘hey dude can you do this?’ and there he goes.

oh DAMMIT theyre taking the series to the switch in future. fuck. im boned. im confined to three games, one of which i cant actually bring myself to play again because that three route shit was exhausting. darn. D: i mean, if i could find copies of the ds fire emblems (er... one of the marth ones, right? p sure theres a marth ds fire emblem) i might be cool but god knows its a bit late for that. aw.

fe:w is n3ds exclusive? oh. what a shame. i was so... looking forward... nah. nah dude. i mean, cool, it is coming to n3ds at all, thats neat! but. eh..... ehhhhhhhhhhh.

oh who is that beautiful but weird lookingboy??? whats with the hair, bro. it looks cool, but, what. golden tips? oh SHE is cute, i like her armour, actually god yea she’s real cute, i like her. hes a bad guy but he has nice style and i appreciate it. is that Robin with a fucking gun? is that a gun??? thats a gun. its a portal gun? its a portal gun! its a fucking gun that shoots portals to other worlds. what the fuck am i looking at. also, yea, its probably not actually robin, but i mean, come on, i feel like this look is deliberately supposed to echo that hood shit.

oh who is sheeee. who is she too??? she looks neat! and she has red eyes, ya shes hundo evil.

the what kingdom. the. em.. emblin??? is this. its a pun on emblem, isnt it. oh dearie me. and the... asprin??? did i hear asprin? ok, emblian, alright, still an emblem thing. im still only hearing asprin, though. askuring??? its just asprin. Asker?? that is not what you just fucking said. that is hundo not what he said before. what... askerin???? dude. i need subtitles for ya weird new words

ok, the girl is Sharena, the boy is Alfonse... alright.

wait. lon’qu is pronounced... lon ku??? fuck. shiiiittttt. ive always said lon Q. bugger me. why does he even want lonqu so bad. yuri lowenthal didnt even voice lonqu. what, we didnt wanna summon ricken? i like ricken.

oh OF COURSE the default version of robin is male robin. rip.

anyway why is his voice familiar even though like... i havent watched naruto since i was 8. ?? oh, was he in persona? thats it, isnt it.... yea, it probably is, god dammit yosuke.

Validar???? Validar?? Niles??? what. whats with the selection. that is a really bizarre selection of peeps.

also, alright, Askr and the Askran Kingdom.... right... ok, sure. at least i got emblian right. ok, so the selection is actually basically all characters in fire emblem, they just. name dropped a few. randomly. righto. holy shit this site blows. like, it doesnt WORK. if i click random hero, i then cant random again, i cant go next hero, i have to go back to the main meno and then reselect. and if i go to select by game title, it wont atually let me scroll through the games and im forced to pick from shadow dragon, which is cool but i havent fucking PLAYED shadow dragon. what the fuck.

am i alone???? is this site borked??? send help

[beardedpirateangel-blog]

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Ah Sunday, the most relaxing day of the week.

I managed to wake with a slight hangover from my one pint of apple and pear cider last night.

Woken by my phone having a heart attack - courtesy of my best friend Nigel.  He is desperate for me to hear the ins and outs of his sexual escapades last night.

I would say pass me the coffee but I don't really like it.

Slowly I'm remembering what my life is about.

Ah yes I've hit the week and one day mark since I was dumped by the love of my life by text.

He had a lovely time last night at the gig he bought tickets to for me.  He didn't text this time just decided to plaster it all over facebook.  I hit delete and muse of whether I should still meet to talk with him on Tuesday.

We all know that I will because I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and I love him.

God I need to man up.

I did have a bit of excitement last night - in the form of my sexy Welsh friend.

I was moping about in my bed, crying after seeing the gig post when I my phone starting buzzing in my hand.  This would have been great if I hadn't been lying down and dropped the phone on my face in shock.  The message however was one that only you could wish for and the scenario that followed was something from a music video or film.

"Put your shoes on sexy, I'm taking you for a beer be there in twenty xxx"

WHAT

I catch my bleary eyed face and bed hair in the mirror.

Shit shit shit shit shit.

20 minutes?

FUCKKKKK

There's crusty mascara tears on my pillow and my rooms okay but not okay for an visitors.  Especially ones with penises.  Wait why am I even considering that?  Get a hold of yourself idiot.  My loyalty doesn't just fly out of the window as soon as someone shows me interest.  Or is that how bad I feel about myself now?  I gave Joel my heart and he smashed it.

18 minutes...

shit shit shit

I run up the fifty thousand flights of stairs to the bathroom only to find it occupied by my housemate.

SHIIIITTTTT

luckily he's only two minutes but I feel the need to have a catch up with him.

12 minutes to go and I'm tearing my towel of the radiator after the worlds fastest shower.  Ah fuck, I got my hair wet. I eye the damp curling ends of one side in dismay.  Before haring down the stairs and plugging my curling irons on.  Why in the movies when this happen are the women always ready?  Perfectly madeup and reading some magazine on how to be even more perfect.

That's not my style so who cares - he will have to deal with my slightly tanned and freckled face, blue grey eyes with lashings of mascara and mop of dark brown surfer curls with a hue of red because the box dye lied.

That's when I hear a rumbling engine and loud sexy rock music under my window.

He's here.  I have no clothes on.  This was not how I pictured it.  I make a run for it in my ex boyfriends boxers (yes they are clean and if you didn't know they are so comfy) to the washing rack before realising I had the clever idea of hanging it outside in the back alleyway.  I almost knocked myself out on the way down and times ticking past.  I swathe my upper half in a sauce splattered tea towel and run into the alleyway grabbing and ripping pegs as I go before darting back in and upstairs.

I look at my loot and see that I have grabbed all black clothes.  Classic Anna.

It's too late now!  I shove my ripped black jeans on, a bra that no man would want to see and Mum's old slouchy black T shirt.  Flip flops and some carmex and I'm good to go.  I get to the front door and freeze.  I haven't seen him for months and I've got a full fringe effort going on.  I would be lying if I said I hadn't put on a few extra pounds in the last stages of my relationship with netflix and those damn caramel shortbread bites.  Damn feeling comfortable with a man.  The thought of having to hold farts in for another 6 months makes my inner self shiver in horror.

I take a breath and open the front door and train my eyes to not look in the drivers seat.  Holy fuck he's changed his car to a big growling sexy 4x4 Jeep.  My steps falter slightly as I hear the music playing.  Damn all this sexiness turning up at my door.  I jump into the passenger seat and he wants a hug.

Shit shit shit

Car hugs are awkward at the best of times.  I purposely put my head sideways and notice how big the back seat is.  Shut up brain.

God he smells so good.  I pull away and he pulls onto the road.  He drives like a badass.  I sneak a look at his profile and remember how good looking he is.  My ovaries groan.  Damn you vagina - how dare you betray me.

The evening passes and its fucking awesome but before I know it - we're in the car again on the way to mine and I'm drunk.  No let's just say merry.  I'm thinking we're going for another drink in town and we're just parking outside mine.  As usual I am wrong.  He says he has work early in the morning and more importantly he doesn't want me to do anything I'll regret.  He's going to pick me up on Tuesday after I've had my talk with Joel.  I really am a cunt.

I want to rip his new glasses off his face and jump on him but instead I put a cigarette in my mouth to ward of any kissing and give him a meaningful, boob squashing hug goodbye.

He speeds off down the road and I'm left in this haze of sexiness but also sulky because I really thought I was going somewhere.  Apparently it was just back to my front door.

When I get in I have to message my friends but no one seems as amazed or interested as I do.  Screw you guys then.  I look at my discarded liquorice menthol roll up and head downstairs.  I sit on the front doorstep and spark up.  The first toke is beautiful and I savour feeling a little bit of my mojo coming back.  I get a text.

"Your top is see through ;) xxxx "

For fucks sake.

I'm mad at myself for being whisked up in the bad boy again.

I'm really mad at myself - how could I even consider this when I love Joel.

Maybe my walls are up.  I've been there and done that Welsh man - I know he'll just hurt me and maybe I'm accepting the love I think I deserve.

What have I become.