#like holy shit the amount of times I went from 100 100 to fucking 4 was insane

[lozmastermm]

HL2 update summary: They polished a turd, it's still pretty shit tho.

[ladykailitha]

Never Hold Back Your Step... Part 5

Hey guys, back with this one! Again, I have a backlog to share with all so this should come out more regularly.

Just a reminder there isn't a set schedule anymore, just vibes. But if there is a story you want to see more often, let me know.

In this we have Steve's good luck charm, Gethin coming to Steve for help with the journalism schism, and Nancy and Steve finally having the talk they should have had from the beginning (she's not there 100% yet but it's better).

Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3 Pt 4

****

They went to nationals and lost. When Steve got back he joked that Eddie was his good luck charm.

“Get off, Stevie,” Eddie scoffed during lunch. “I am not.”

Gareth chuckled. “I don’t know, man. Steve’s luck has shot up since you guys became friends. He hasn’t been hit once!”

Steve glared at him. “Thanks, Gary.”

Gareth stuttered. “What the fuck is Gary?”

Everyone laughed.

“Don’t ever call me that again,” Gareth growled. “My name is Gareth.”

Steve tilted his head to the side. “But isn’t that where Gary comes from? A shortening of Gareth?”

“I don’t give a fuck, man,” he hissed. “If Gethin hears it, he’ll never let it go.”

Steve’s mouth formed an ‘O’ in understanding. It was like Dusty Buns. “That’s fair.”

“What’s fair?” Gethin asked from behind Eddie.

Jeff opened his mouth to answer but Gareth kicked him under the table.

“That my taking hits to the face have gone down since I started hanging out with Eddie,” Steve said with a smile.

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Stevie here seems to think that I’m his good luck charm.”

Gethin rubbed his chin. “I think Steve’s got something going with that.”

Eddie threw his arms in the air. “Not you too!”

Gethin started ticking off reasons on his fingers. “Billy has left him alone, he got a pretty major part in the school play, made it to nationals for swimming...need I go on?”

Eddie’s jaw dropped and he looked over at Steve in shock. “Holy shit. Maybe I am your good luck charm.”

Steve grinned. “Told you so.”

“Why are you here, Geth?” Gareth growled at his sibling. “Don’t you usually hang with the journalism crowd?”

Gethin grimaced. “There’s been a divide among us.”

Steve’s lip curled. “Let me guess, half you sided with Nancy over the swim team making it nationals and the other half thought she went too far?”

Gethin nodded. “Jonathan’s for too much, too far, but most of them think that jocks should be prosecuted more, not less.”

Eddie winced. He had espoused similar thoughts before befriending Steve.

But Steve just snorted. “Like she didn’t enjoy the benefits of dating one last year.”

The whole table erupted in stomping and pounding on the table.

“Ooh...” Jeff said. “Burn!”

Gethin grinned. “I’ll be sure to remind her of that fact. That last year she was all for sports when it pleased her. Thanks, Steve!”

Steve just shook his head.

Gethin skipped away from their table better armed against a furious Nancy.

Steve looked around to make sure that Jonathan and Nancy weren’t within hearing distance. Then he leaned forward.

“Who would be interested in a sequel comic to ‘The Boy With a Bat’?” he whispered conspiratorially.

Everyone else leaned in excitedly.

“What would this one be about?” Brian asked, his voice barely loud enough to be heard in the crowed cafeteria.

“Our hero helping out a bunch of kids in a junkyard fighting off dire wolves,” Steve whispered back in conspiratorial tone.

Steve had learned the term from Eddie. Apparently they were very big wolves. And that sounded to him like the right amount of ‘what the fuck’ the demodogs gave off.

“How did our hero get into that mess?” Eddie asked, his voice on the verge of cracking. He knew that these were things that Steve had gone through for real and that terrified him.

Steve let out a sigh. “By realizing that the kid with the high intelligence and the low wisdom would have gotten himself eaten if our hero hadn’t went along to protect him.”

Eddie’s mouth formed a silent ‘Oh.’ Yeah, there was no doubt that was Dustin. In the few times he had met the kid, he was always struck by how dumb he was despite being a literal fucking genius.

“That sounds so cool,” Gareth breathed. “I would love to read that, man.”

Jeff nodded. “Like you should serialize the whole thing and sell it, dude. You could make bank.”

Steve thought about the NDA that was sitting in a lockbox at the back of his closet and snorted. Those bastards would be on him faster than lightning.

“It’s just something fun to do while Mrs Click drones on and on about the Ottoman Empire,” he said with a shrug.

Eddie pointed at him and clapped. “Yes! Like how could one person take something so interesting and make it duller than dishwater.”

Steve smiled at him gratefully as the conversation shifted to horrible teachers. Eddie was still the only one outside of the “Party” that knew about the Upside Down.

He looked over at Nancy and found that she was glaring at him. He didn’t want to anger her further, so he got up and threw away his garbage. He stacked his tray up and bid the others goodbye.

If she wanted to speak to him, she would have to come to him.

****

Steve had to wait a couple of days, but Nancy did come to him.

It was one of those rare days where Steve didn’t have anything going on but the rest of the Hellfire Club crew did. So he was at his locker making sure that he had all his homework that he needed for the weekend after school.

He was alone for all intents and purposes.

“Steve,” Nancy said, “we need to talk.”

He slammed his locker shut and she winced. “Are you actually here to talk or are you here to excuse your bad behavior and get me to apologize even though I haven’t done anything wrong?”

She frowned at him. “I don’t do that.”

“Whatever, Nance,” Steve said, rolling his eyes and shouldering his backpack. “I don’t want to get into a screaming match right now.”

Nancy held out her hand to stop him. “Would you just wait?”

“Come on,” Steve said with a sigh. “We talk on the way out to my car.” At least if he needed to make a quick getaway, he’d be able to drive off.

He started walking toward the doors and she scrambled to catch up.

“I can’t believe you told Gethin to throw it back in my face that I used to date a jock,” she hissed.

Steve smiled at her smug. “Well you did, Nance. And as I recall, you flirted with me first.”

“Yeah, I did,” Nancy said, ducking her head. She let out deep sigh. “I just want to be a journalist. A real one. But the advisor for the newspaper only sees me as a girl so all I get are the fluff pieces like Homecoming Queen and King and sports like boys’ swimming because all the guys are uncomfortable with all the Speedos.”

Steve snorted. “Only you didn’t go after Ezra, or any of the other members of the team, you went after me. And you did it so hard that Jonathan who I’m pretty sure would hate my guts if I hadn’t saved his life, thought that you were being harsh.”

Nancy pursed her lips. She didn’t know why she went after Steve as hard as she did. She needed a target and Steve was right...there.

It had been so easy to lash out at him for Barb, the monsters, the frustration of not being taken seriously, for all of her problems. But she knew he didn’t deserve it.

“He told me that unless I fixed it,” she said softly, “that he would eat lunch and go home by himself.”

Steve laughed bitterly. “So you’re not even here because you think you need to apologize. You’re here because your boyfriend won’t put out until you do. Jesus Christ, Nancy. What even is this?”

He stopped in front of the doors. “I’m not your punching bag anymore. I’ve got friends now. Friends that really care about me, for me.”

Nancy sighed. “I’m not trying to start a fight.”

“Not this time,” Steve scoffed.

She winced, but nodded. “Yeah okay, I deserved that.” She lowered her voice and hissed, “It’s just really hard to fathom you liking men all of a sudden. We had sex, you got off. And now you’re with Eddie and gay and I just don’t know what to think anymore.”

Steve squeezed his eyes shut. He heaved a sigh and hauled her out to the parking lot where they were less likely to be heard.

“Fucking hell, Nance,” he huffed as they walked to his car. “You think I don’t realize how fucking messed up that is. I thought for a bit that maybe I liked both, because of what I felt for you. Because I did love you. I still do, for Christ’s sake.” He threw his arms in the air in frustration.

He tugged on his hair. “But the more I thought about us. Our relationship, I realized that I was just trying so hard to be what everyone wanted me to be.” He started waving his hands around as he tried to get his point across. “The perfect boy next door. But that isn’t me. I love theater and boys and not having to worry about who was fucking who and why. Because all that ‘King’ shit was exhausting as fuck.”

Nancy let out a low shuddering breath. “Okay. I’m sorry.” Steve scoffed. “No, I am. I mean it. You deserve to be happy and I don’t know why I’m still hung up on this.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Because you want me as your fall back in case shit goes down with Jonathan.”

“What?!” she squawked.

Suddenly everyone was staring at her because of her outburst. “That’s not true!” she whispered harshly, leaning forward.

“I’ve said it before and we both know it is, Nance,” Steve said, his face twisted in that same pained expression from when she couldn’t tell him she ever loved him. “You broke up with me right after our first go round with the monsters and then not even a full month later you were back with me. What happened, huh? Did Jonathan turn you down the first time and that’s why you came running back?”

Nancy crossed her arms and looked away.

Steve huffed out a bitter laugh. “That’s it, isn’t it? You couldn’t even tell me you loved me at all after our fight at Tina’s Halloween party. You’re standing there getting mad it me for not loving you, but you’re the same. You’re exactly the same.”

She let out a shuddering sigh. “You’re right, Steve. You’re right about all of it. I’m sorry.”

“That’s all I wanted from you,” he said, “an actual honest apology. Thank you.” Steve let out his own breath that he had been holding.

Nancy bit her bottom lip and looked up at him through her lashes. “Can we still be friends?” Her voice wobbled and her eyes were glassy with unshed tears.

Steve pulled her into a hug and she wrapped her arms around him tightly.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “Of course we can.”

Steve looked up and saw Jonathan watching them. He let go of Nancy and held her at arms length. “You are a great person, Nancy Wheeler, but you’ve got think past your own needs, okay?”

She nodded. “I’ll try.”

“Good,” he said gently. “Now go. Jonathan is waiting for you.”

She looked over her shoulder and nodded. “Thanks, Steve.”

“Yeah, of course.”

Steve watched as she walked away, he could feel a part of his wounded heart heal, just a little.

It wasn’t enough. It might not ever be enough. But it was a start. He just wished it didn’t feel like a fucking Chutes and Ladders game.

****

Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16

In order for Nancy to be a better person, she has to fight against her nature. Something that won't come easy.

Tag List:

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@spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie

@chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @danili666

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@greeniebean911 @birbsauce @acingthecounts @cryptid-system @counting-dollars-counting-stars

[alpaca-clouds]

My personal Digimon season ranking

Given August is Digimon month, I cannot help but do one of these. Because, oh boy. I have not made one of those in a long, long while.

Now, let me tell you one thing clear: I have been in the Digimon fandom since Adventure started airing 2000 in Germany. I still vividly remember getting into the show and what the first episodes I watched were. I have obsessed about this show for so long...

But I also have unpopular opinions when it comes to the seasons. So let me get to those.

And please note: I will not list Digimon Adventure: (2020), as I only watched the first 22 episodes and then just dropped it. But I will list Digimon Adventure tri., though it is not quite a season.

#1 Digimon Tamers

My number one Digimon season is and will probably always be Digimon Tamers. This show really has no right to be as good as it is. Like, holy shit. This show went so hard in so many regards.

It really is the only season of Digimon that has something like a proper pacing. With only a couple of episodes being actual filler, while most do progress either story or character arcs. And those character arcs are so fucking good.

When I was a kid, I got so hooked on Ruki, because she was just such a good female character. But by now I do appreciate them all. (Well, Ryou maybe less, but that is a story for another day. Because he is one of those examples where I also grew up on those games and I love game!Ryou...)

Also, the amount of amazing background characters is kinda hilarious. Like, background figures like Janyuu, Yamaki or Shibumi are so well written.

Not to mention: For a 2001 merchandise TV show with 51 episodes, the animation has no business being as good as it is. How is it, that this series still has better animation than some of the later series?!

So, yeah, all around great show. Love it. Will rewatch most certainly a couple more times.

#2 Digimon Universe Applimonsters

And while a lot of people will absolutely understand, why I put Tamers in first place, pretty much most people will not get, why I would put Appmon in second place. Because other than Tamers this has a ton of filler episodes.

But to me none of that really matters, based on the fact that I just love the freaking character writing in this show, all the references to computer history and also... The fact that this show is gay as fuck. I mean, holy fuck, the entire Haru/Yuujin thing? Yeah, it warms my little queer heart so much!

But other than that it is another series where I really just love all the characters a ton. Haru is probably the goggle boy I relate to most out of all of Digimon. But I also really loved the other characters in this series, including the Digimon partners and what not.

So, yeah, to me this is my second favorite Digimon show.

#3 Digimon Savers

Masaru in a way is the polar opposite character to Haru, isn't he? While Haru is this soft spoken, introverted guy, Masaru is just this pure hardcore masculinity! GAAAAR! So, while I do like him less as a character than I like Takato or Haru, I did enjoy the writing in this show quite a lot. There were a ton of personal stakes to the story, that the others seasons did not bring in as much as this show did. And that was something I really enjoyed.

And while it got ridiculous at times, I also liked how Masaru was a bit more involved in the battles by punching stuff. Though I kinda am sad that they did not go with that original concept where all the characters would've been able to punch stuff.

I also enjoyed that the characters were a bit older in this, though ironically my favorite characters from the season are Chika and Ikuto.

#4 Digimon Ghost Game

There might be some bias here based on the fact alone that it is the most recent season of the franchise. But even though it was basically 100% episodic, I did enjoy almost every one of those episodes. Basically the show is 100% vibes for me, but oh boy, do I love those vibes.

I find this season kinda weird in terms of how it kinda pushed for two Digimon/human ships, with Ruli/Angoramon clearly being coded into the text, while it is also fairly clear that Jellymon is romantically interested in Kiyo. I mean, there always were seasons where you could definitely go for Digimon/human ships....... but it was never like this. But then again: All power to the monster fuckers, right? xD

And yeah... Being a fan of the horror genre, I absolutely adored how many episodes were based around classical horror stories from all around the world. That was so freaking fun! :D

#5 Digimon Adventure 02

Okay, let me make one thing clear: Digimon Adventure 02 is not a good series. It is not. Knowing what I know about how chaotic it was behind the scenes, aka how chaotic and cursed this production was, this is also not a big surprise. I disliked the show for this for quite long. I mean, there is tons of filler and the animation is soooooo bad in soooo many episodes. I mean, there is a ton of fan animation that is better than this series. But...

It also is kinda charming.

See, the thing about this show is, that I kinda still do like how the characters develop over the show and how... positive a lot of it is. The characters are sweet with each other and even with their enemies. And a huge chunk of the show is also dedicated to the characters outright trying to rebuild the digital world.

Also, this show has Ken, who to this day is one of my favorite Digimon characters. So, fuck it. I actually still kinda like it.

#6 Digimon Frontier

Fun Fact: I grew up with the Japanese dub of Digimon, but Digimon Frontier is the one season, where I actually kinda liked the US Dub, just based on the US soundtrack for this show. I really kinda liked the vibe it had.

In a way I do feel that this show had in fact the strongest character designs out of all of Digimon. The characters just have the right level of detail. They do not look overdesigned, but also not too simple. I really digged that. And yes, as a kid I cosplayed Takuya a lot.

To me the series just mostly suffers when it comes to the pacing. Not because of the fillers really (I am fine with fillers, as long as the fillers are fun), but rather in terms of the Cherubimon-arc being sooooo long and everything happening after it feeling kind of like an afterthought.

But I still very much like the characters. I just wished they did not make Junpei a glutton. One fat character who isn't a glutton. Is that so much to ask?

#7 Digimon Xros Hunters

For anyone now going like: "But this is not even a series on its own!" I will kindly ask you: "Shut up, this is my list." Because those couple of episodes from Xros Wars that were clearly just meant to fill the timeslot for a couple more weeks, do have a very different vibes from the rest of the show.

Now, this also is basically just filler + then the crossover event. But... At times this was kinda sweet. I liked the vibes this show had at times and some of the characters were kinda likeable.

And I really liked the opening.

It was not good. Definitely wasn't. But there was stuff about it I liked.

#8 Digimon Adventure

Yeah, let's get to my most controversial Digimon opinion: I do not like Digimon Adventure a lot. I really don't. Some of the characters are fine, yes, but... I do not like a lot more of this show. Mostly because I fucking hate the crest system and how morally simplistic the show is, with the bad guys just all being bad guys with not much depth. Meanwhile most of the characters are horribly underwritten and have their entire character arcs rushed through within like two episodes.

And I just hate Yamato and how the show just tries to excuse all of his bullshit. There. I said it. I think he is a horrible character. A horrible brother. And a horrible friend. So, yeah, fuck him.

And Nishizono, the showrunner, had no plan where he was going when he started writing. Not entirely his fault, given that he inherited a production that two other writing teams already had abandoned. But maaaaaan, it shows.

#9 Digimon Xros Wars

What is there to say?

Digimon Xros Wars sucked. It sucked. And to this day I wonder what the drama behind the scenes was. We know there was drama (given the showrunner abandoned the production half-way through!) but details are sparse even ten years later.

But, yeah. Taiki is a fucking Gary Stu and the plot just shifts around him. The story is a whole mess. The female characters get sexualized to no end. Everyone who is not Taiki gets sidelined constantly. The animation is inconsistent. And what not.

And the really sad fact: The manga is so fucking good.

I am fairly certain that most issues are because of production drama. And one day I am gonna find out what that drama was.

#10 Digimon Adventure tri.

Digimon Adventure tri. is one of the things that by themselves are not good, but get really bad once you consider the universe it is set in. It is one of those things put into an existing canon without honoring the existing canon at all.

It just ignores basically everything happening in 02. The character developments from anything that has happened before. The 02 characters are just not there. The "original chosen children" exist and yet the OVA does not give them the attention they deserve. And Meiko is just... Oh boy. Meiko is just a horrible character for so many reasons.

It is just fucking sad that this exists. So fucking sad. Just why?!

Also, for OVAs the animation is so bad. Soooooo bad.

[astraeus-moon]

@melchinafan Sorry for the late ish response I feel kinda sick so it took me a while longer to organize my thoughts. Also here we fucking go apologies for no read more sins I am on mobile

And no I haven't seen those ign articles! More canon info to add to my hordes! And Jacob :( sad baby girl. I'll probably post those (The screenshots of the new info)  later for easy access for others

Your point on all 4 of heros being effected makes me wonder if Grave lock girls magic has sort of an area of effect or if the alpha vampires magic is a double edged sword in positively affecting the heros

And ooooo I didn't know there were other blood remnants that came in dif forms makes me wonder if they are somewhat similar to the alpha vamp remnants bc I think i remember it being mentioned somewhere the vial also had psychic residue?? Could not be I'm just losing it but eh. And the psychic residue perhaps being in the blood/body? And that's why it alters you?

And yeah I agree! I think that we don't carry them into the fight just to crack open the door and sort of wave a red flag at a bull sort of way

And then when the alpha vampire dies we get the remnant imbued with a bit of that vamps specific magic

And yeah perhaps using the skulls almost a psychic lockpick if those chosen had been imbued with some of the alphas powers (referring to the trickle down effect you noticed, Vampire mlm is a concept that will be lodged in my brain now)

The biggest one for Bellwether not giving a shit I believe was a piece of dialog that said like "once we get out of here do you think they'll drop a nuke on this place" which made me laugh bc I audibly went just like resident evil grqt2h3 which despite some of the negative reviews comparisons to other games the lack of resident evil with vampires is making me laugh (I mean it in a positive way I'm very attached to RE)

Plus I don't think a privately funded not so small military/mercanary group is gonna lose sleep over a "few" civilian casualties (especially not when you can write em off as vampire deaths when it comes down to it)

Yeah I agree! One of my main grievances was I wish that side quest/mini bosses got more diversity and watchers idk if those are miniboss types as I think they go down p easy (but like I said can't/haven't played the game so I could be wrong) they seem closer to the mutated cultists than "true" vampires

And totally get you on lore one of my other favorite games is destiny 2 and holy shit the amount of environmental storytelling/lore is so strong they have a fan run website to compile it all so I totally get you.

And ooo I'm always looking for new games to watch/obsess over so I'll have to check it out

And yeah unfortunately the people I watched wernt too into grave lock collecting and the only 100 locations video I've found doesn't play em in full

And yeah with Addison I won't spoil it but holy shit he was the worst one too me I wrote out/expanded on the house of Echos mission so I was rewatching and it ended up being 4k words but also it was woof. I almost wish they swapped the order of the map start out in the second way with the other 2 then work into the 1st area for the hollow man

Yeah my sort of interpretation (both in how I'm writing and general fun) is that his Ravens outlines + his guns lock on are from that eye but a fun thing I had was giving them all like the way things are highlighted blue for you to grab some of the psychic residue as most of the psychic energy we see (barring layla) tend to be a pale blue - teal(?) Ish color and it was just funny to me that the highlights for important objects were similar

I agree with vampires probably having night vision as they are supposed to be a sort of apex predator so night vision fits with the whole can't go in the sun.  It does make me wonder if Jacob would run into issues in direct sunlight with that eye time to invest in sunglasses my guy

And yeah I hadn't considered the psychic spaces as like stronger spaces where the trance is louder, bc in my thoughts I think the trance is a seperate but adjacent magic thing to what turned them into vampires

It definitely seems like the magic sort of got them all or bolstered abilities in some way and come on we both know that devs def smart enough to crack teleportation lmaooo necessity is the mother of invention and all that. But I do think that magic and science go hand in hand (destiny 2 is so great for that reason aswell because so much of what looks like magic can be kinda turned into science)

I think Remis ult is pure video game but healing it would make sense if it gave out a sort of opposite end of the spectrum vampire healing and helped you regenerate by like tapping into that magic that's settled in you or the vials/remnants

yeah we don't know how the healing actually works as you don't regen health unless you find medpacks which leads me to believe you do have to needle and thread it up instead of magic video game heal as explained in dishonored or prey

And yeah I'm assuming vamp regen at best at worst, you should uhhhh probably got get that looked at bud and yeah blood as fuel is a good idea even if it was connected or disconnected

And yeah the tissues, I'd imagine a wash cloth would be slightly more useful than tissues but eh and yeah sort of a gunk goop dripping thing (ie Eris Morn from destiny with her hive eyes)

And yeah! I think to be a bloodbag/sin eater it also I think is slightly voluntary(?) As the sin eaters are like that. And the blood bags seem pretty eager so maybe the most devoted cultists get turned into em

And yeah I'm uncertain bc I remember for one of the missions Jacob has a line like "but slitting the throat of your neighbor to get in." Or smth like that it's been awhile

And yeah vampire mlm, and yeah definitely maybe the more sacrifices brought in = higher chance of getting turned

I think it's a bit of both as we see with the alphas they were all real shitty people beforehand and yknow being willing to kill others to further your own gain definitely fits under "bloodsucker" (derogatory) in my mind lmao

And I think that's why Jason got away was bc hes not a bad person and was rather selfless hence but still also perhaps shaped by the intent of the person giving you magic (jacobs raven, laylas telekinesis which is something other higher up vampires can do as weve seen with the sea) But also made to shape you're own natural abilities remis healing, devs gadgets :) especially in those latter two cases where they wernt forced really to have the powers

The slow boil is soooo intresting to me bc like where were they? Like in the nests psychic spaces and just coming out to feed plus with the size of the alphas I think that'd kick up a fuss

I think probably a but of both, as drug trials/medical research like aevum was doing was bound to test on mice at least and upon observing the effects may have worked there way up to humans but huge fucking claw marks are probably vampires especially from what we've seen they are extraordinarily wasteful with animals perhaps both as food and ensuring surviving humans can't get it

And birds + animals disappearing evokes a similar feeling of when animals tend to dip before natural disasters because there senses and instincts are so much stronger than ours but also vampires killing them because they couldn't go after people yet

also lmao yeah like idk where tf they were going with that like was the plan to eventually move out of redfall or use it like a home base or smth bc you kill the animals and the people you're gonna have to start eating each other

And yeah I have to imagine at least one cultist was wincing and didn't voice it but was very much like aw come on guys

And yeah! Idk if it's ever explained if vampires exclusively have to eat blood/meat or can eat other things aswell

And oh my God don't get me started on the impacts of introducing a fuck ton of apex predators into your ecosystem and food chain not to mention if other animals mutated and are breeding. Like just removing Wolves from Yellowstone was enough to fuck over the ecosystem I can imagine something on this scale plus the probably intense growth from the decomp rates of bodies.. anyone in an environmental science field would be tearing their hair out (specifically my own redfall oc whose a park ranger is not having a great time with that)

You would have to build ground up essentially as trying a top down approach would fuck up the few remaining secondary and primary consumers (obligatory environmental science rant over)

They all def do the trance def is giving hive mind vibes aswell as a removal of emotional/rational thinking makes me wonder if the blood trance heightens base instincts/hunting drive or aggression like with animals being aggressive and shit being fucked

And oh def, bc each of the bosses has there own space but the nests aswell which makes me wonder if vampires have their own allegiances or a nest is like a pack

And yeah hindsights 20/20 and yeah fears a hell of a motivator and cults pray on scared lonely people with no other options and yeah in too deep

I haven't! Unfortunately I haven't watched a dev playthrough and there's not too many multiplaythroughs on YouTube but I'll inform you if I come across any! And as for rough speculation on mothman physique(?) I think leathery makes sense from someone as logical as dev since it glides so it being similar to a bat or moth it almost makes me think of point pleasants.. intresting... statue of the mothman to say the least...

And yeah woof the scientists sure as hell are doing some malpractice although I'd admire arkanes commitment to fuck the rich with them being consistent enemies.  And yeah sorry this got Hella long

[im-literally-just-an-olm]

Was not gonna post this then I relized that you’re not a cop and if you were I wouldn’t give a shit cause fuck cops, i’m going to ramble about my eu4 campaign now

Ok so it’s a Muscovy to Russia campaign, also gonna do a eu4 to vicky 3 converter because the converter works with pirated copies of eu4, but i’m not there yet, anyway, it started well bullied Novgorod pretty quickly, but the problem with Muscovy for me is I’ve got no clue how to manage my economy before I get a good amount of the Novgorod node, meaning I had 12 loans totaling like 2k Ducats, and that is uhh bad, But bullying Novgorod helped me with that, and eventually I had to fuck with the golden horde so they’d stop taking money from me, unfortunately they were allied with fucking Uzbek, this sucked ass cause if I had my army (relatively small for the time but for russia) attack the horde in the south, Uzbek up north would come over and fuck me up so I got into a war with some other tribe up north and fucked em up so hard that they just didn’t recover, and annulled the treaty with Uzbek then the alliance was broken between the golden horde and Uzbek so I just bullied them, and focused on expanding east for a bit, just building up army and stuff, formed russia too cause I was behind on admin tech by now. I also couldn’t get access to the black sea cause the ottomans are bitches who got there before me, i’m gonna fuck em up round mil tech 19. Anyway at this point I had a problem, the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, they were strong and they hated me, so I wanted to fuck em up, at this point I had a close alliance with sweden, so with their help I went into a war with em, and holy shit, I had like 100k man power and damn it was gone, was a rough war, luckily I did win with some solid territorial gains, then I bullied mideastern asia for another 50 years, First war with Orait was here, which was a huge pain cause it takes the armies so long to march and there was so much bs with them going 100 billion miles away and murdering my 2k armies cause I was carpet sieging, anyway I win and take a 1/4 of their land so that was fun, anyway back to europe and the common wealth was getting uppity again so I decided it was time for some more war, I wanted the baltic area for a mission this time so I target that area

Only image I have of right before this conquest, minor problem this time, Austria, they’re allied with the commonwealth, So it’s me and sweden vs commonwealth and austria and honestly this ones not bad cause they were also fighting some nerd ass war with some other countries. something interesting though, sweden got their ass handed to them so they were out and i needed austria out of the war, so when I peace out austria separately, I annulled all treaties with sweden, this is important, anyway I got the baltic region and the next this that happened is the ottomans bullied the commonwealth and they got a Mare Nostrum on the black sea. Fuck. Anyway can’t deal with that yet. I also get austria and timerids as allies, austria cause they’re strong, timerids cause ottomans scary. So I do a little bit of just managing my country and then someone interesting happens, sweden gets mad at me, i don’t know why, but this is important because sweden has finland, and I want finland, so war time, I kick their ass with like 5 armies it’s fucking incredible, I get all of finland and a lotta northwest sweden and that’s where I am now, it’s like 1605 or smth and i’m gonna finish off sweden, bully commonwealth some more (after I break their alliance to france, which, fuck) and bully asia more, And when the time comes, the ottomans will get a shovel to the head, But that’s it for now. if you read all of this, why?

[mass-convergence]

With Panera's recent ... issues ... I just want to recount (for the billionth time) when I OD'ed on caffeine:

It was right after my last midnight shift and I wanted to drive 6 hours to a national park because damn it I had 4 days off and I wanted to do something fun. Of course I was freaked out I was going to be sleepy on the drive and pass out in the car and die in a fiery crash.

So instead of being a reasonable adult and just taking a nap before I subjected myself to that drive, I did the super intelligent thing of just loading up on caffeine before I left. I took 200 mg of caffeine before my shift at 10 pm the night before. During shift I consumed at least two cups of green tea, ~40 mg of caffeine each. I don't remember if I also had a soda that shift but this was already more than I usually intake in a day. Got off shift kinda hyped to be going on the trip but also a little tired still. So I was like, "I should get some more caffeine in me".

Despite me having already consumed around 280 mg of caffeine (maybe more if I drank a soda during shift).

Green tea with my breakfast.

Took another 200 mg pill like a goddamn dumbass.

For those keeping track ... that's like at least 500 mg of caffeine in a 12 hour period for someone who maybe drinks a couple cups of calming Jasmine tea in a day (so generally 100 mg or less).

Now, I felt relatively okay as I left and started going down the interstate. About 30 minutes later I realize that I can't sing along to the song on the radio because I'm too busy feeling like I can't breathe. I didn't have one of those fancy wrist watches that log your heart rate but I can tell you that it was absolutely jackhammering in my chest as if I had sprinted a mile.

And it only got worse from there because I started obviously freaking out that my heart was going about 100 miles a minute and I was legit having difficulties catching my breath. I considered pulling over and maybe cancelling the trip to go visit an emergency room because holy shit I never felt like that before and I was seriously thinking I was having some form of a heart attack. But I'm an idiot and I kept driving even though I'm pretty sure I was dangerously close to potentially passing out at that point. Y'know. Because of the breathing difficulties.

I'm sure it went from like OD related issues to something akin to a panic attack because I was getting seriously anxious about my health at that point. I did finally start feeling better after about 15 to 30 minutes and then an hour or two later I was almost back to normal. I did get to my destination safely, ate the best Wendy's chicken nuggets I've ever had, and almost immediately passed out on the bed of the cabin I was at - legit best night of sleep I've ever gotten.

But uh yeah, that was 500 mg of caffeine in like 12 hours (I can't comment on if I'm like a healthy adult but I will say I don't have any diagnosed heart or BP conditions).

I can't fucking imagine what 500 mg in one sitting would do.

Like who the fuck approved the charge lemonade without:

at least putting some kind of extremely visible warning that it contained a shit ton of caffeine (no, "as much caffeine as our dark roast" is not a good label - put an actual mg amount ... people who are monitoring their intake probably will have an idea about how much caffeine they can consume)

maybe not making the damn thing refillable. Who needs refills of a drink that's got the daily recommended amount of caffeine in it for a healthy adult

maybe saying, "Hey ... should we even have this much caffeine in this drink?"

Because if you're drinking caffeinated stuff before you go grab your 30 oz cup of Panera Lemonade - like I think most healthy adults are - you're adding that caffeine onto the stuff you've already consumed. Which can certainly put you over the "recommended amount". Like it's just got too much caffeine period.

[vixenpen]

What if we get a Camboy!Hawks that gives us special attention after he notices the amounts of money we pay to his streams while the other customers get jealous?? 😈

(Y’all know this type of shit speaks to my cam model heart)

U could do anything you wanted to me

“Anything, huh? Would you let me spit in your mouth?”

I would thank you😩😩😩

Spit anywhere you like, daddy. I’ll lick it up

Keigo chuckled. His fans were a mess, but he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t appreciate the ego boost their admiration gave him. It was a major turn on for an exhibitionist like himself.

“Damn, you horny sluts are making daddy excited.” He quirked one of his blonde brows, slyly. “Wanna see how much?”

100 tokens

20 tokens

500 tokens

60 tokens

800 tokens

50 tokens

He angled the camera towards his crotch where his half mast erection poked through his boxers.

The pinging of his token alarm was non-stop as his fans excitedly donated for more.

“You guys know what daddy wants.”

Keigo sat back against his wooden headboard, one arm propped behind his tousled blonde hair. He gave the camera a slow, lazy smile which earned him even more enthusiastic tips.

“Get daddy to 500,000 tokens so we can really have some fun.”

He then flashed the buttplug and flesh light that was sat ready and waiting on his bedside table. A promise of what was to come.

Just then a warning alarm went off. Keigo’s Golden eyes zeroed in on the username immediately.

(Y/n) has tipped 10,000 tokens

Keigo’s dick jumped to attention immediately.

“Ohh there’s my favorite little birdie. Hey, babe, haven’t seen you on in a couple streams.”

I know ^^ thought I’d make it up to u. I just wanna make you happy.

“Baby, anytime you’re in my stream, I’m happy.”

He meant that. Over the couple years that he had been camming, y/n had been an avid supporter. He had you to thank for keeping him going in his cam career.

I can make u happy 2 daddy😣

1,000 tokens

“Aww, of course you can baby bird.” Keigo smiled.

He freed himself from his boxers, sighing in relief when he was finally free. His erection slapped against his right abs with a light smack.

(Y/n) has tipped 15,000 tokens

Omigod that looks so good, daddy. Ooh I missed it so much 🤤

“Oh yeah? You like that? Why don’t we go private then?”

Keigo tried to keep the hopeful edge out of his voice as he threw out the suggestion. He loved going private with you.

Nah, baby, u promised these ppl a show. U should give it to them.

Keigo let out a deep, lusty groan.

“Damn, you’re too good, y/n. You’re gonna make me work for it, aren’t ya?”

😈

“Don’t give me that look.”

500 tokens

Keigo leaned forward and stroked his scruffy beard with a smirk.

“You drive a hard bargain, Birdie.”

He gripped his dick and circled his thumb around the head, spreading the slick of desire that leaked from the tip around.

It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none, Papa Bird. 😉

20,000 tokens

“Mmm, y’all are so lucky that y/n is so charitable.”

He leaned back and bucked hips into his fist, moaning.

😕 u always get more excited for y/n

Everybody don’t got that kinda money..

Thank u y/n 🙏🏾🥳

Yeah, thx 4 takin all the attention 😒

20,000 tokens

Spit on it daddy, make it nasty.

Keigo hunched over, spitting onto his dick and covering it in the natural lubricate.

🤤🥴 holy shit that’s so fucking hottt

I wish too succ daddy Hawks’ dicc

Ily so much😫

Let me have ur babies

Strings of saliva dripped from his pierced tongue on to his throbbing member. He pumped his fist along his erection, hot pleasure coursing through his body with every stroke as the praise flooded in.

“What next, Birdie?” Hé choked out.

Don’t forget the balls, babe.

“Of course, Cuz you never forget the balls.” He licked his lips

Never 😇

“Oh now you’re an Angel.”

Squeeze them 😇

50,000 tokens

Without hesitation, Keigo did what he was told. Squeezing and massaging his sensitive sack. He felt another clench of desire grip him.

U just do whatever y/n asks huh? 😤

It’s always like that with these 2🙄

I don’t mind, y/n always helps give us a good show...🥵

U look so good, Papi.

“Heh, gotta do a good job for my favorite Birdie.”

Keigo choked out. His strokes were alternating between fast and slow, he rotated his hands while his other hand played with his pereneum. The layers of stimulation felt sharp and sweet.

Use that cute little butt plug of yours if u need more, Papi.

Keigo’s heavily lidded Amber eyes, were almost closed with his desire.

“You’re really trying to rile me up, huh, Birdie?”

The better job u do in the public chat, the more I’ll give u in the private chat.

Renewed with the prospect of the money and depravity you were sure to give him in private chat, Keigo grabbed the metal butt plug. He drizzled the lube he had on his night stand on the toy before showing it to the camera.

Oh fuck yesss 🥵🥵

😏

Show us how well u can take that shit, Daddy Hawks

And take it he did. He let out a throaty groan as the cool metal stretched his tight walls pleasantly. A hiss of pure ecstasy that matched the soft expression on his handsome face escaped as the toy settle against his gspot.

“Fuuuuck.” He groaned, eyes crossing temporarily.

The pinging was back. More frantic than ever.

Keigo’s Adam’s Apple bobbed as he swallowed, body adjusting to the new sensation.

80,000 tokens

5,000 tokens

10,000 tokens

50 tokens

100 tokens

4,000 tokens

Feel good baby?

“You know it does,” he quipped back, albeit weakly.

Mmm, I bet. How bout u get that flesh light?

He did. Displaying it before the camera for his favorite user and the rest of his stream.

Slowly, he slid his sensitive manhood into the fleshy, moist walls of the sleeve.

“Oh my god...” his eyes rolled back.

The way I like, Daddy. 😏

“Ok baby...”

😔 I wish he’d call me baby

😒 gotta become a millionaire 2 get that kinda attention, I guess...

If he wasn’t so caught up in how fucking good he felt, Keigo would have laughed at  his fans saltiness.

Keigo rotated his hips, the thrum of his vibrating buttplug against his gspot sending his senses into overdrive.

“Oh goddd,” he practically sobbed, golden eyes fixed on the chat and hazy with his desire.

God he hoped y/n was watching. Hoped they were playing with themselves and imagining it was them bouncing on his twitching dick. He wondered what his favorite user looked like—if the face and body matched the sweet personality and beautiful voice he had heard during their private streams.

Faster daddy. Do it faster.

50,000 tokens

His hips bucked harder. The gripping, wet sleeve hugged his hardness in a warm, moist massage that had pleasure rolling over his body in waves. The only plug only added to the overload.

His mind was going blank, mouth falling open as strangled noises fell from it.

Oh my god look at that...🤤

His golden eyes fluttered close.

Keigo threw back his head, feeling his orgasm approaching. His blonde hair tumbled off his face, giving his stream an unobstructed view of the euphoria on his face.

Just then a ‘private’ alert came through from you.

Shakily, he accepted.

“Hi baby.” You purred. Just a beautiful, disconnected voice. Smooth and sweet and thick like honey butter.

“H-hey, Birdie.” He stammered through his grunts. “What-Ah-happened to, fuck, it ain’t fun if the homies can’t have none?”

You chuckled through your nose.

“I let them get their show, but that ‘O’ face is for me. Now cum for me, Daddy.”

He could hear the lust thick in that sensual voice of yours.

“Fuckkk,” he sighed.

He fucked himself harder and harder on his sleeve, eyes rolling back.

“Ahh god, I’m fuckin’ coming, baby, ughh-fuck.”

His nut exploded out of him, wracking his body in a fierce ecstasy. Then, just as quickly as it swept him up, it settled him back down. Back to earth.

“Oh my god, Baby Bird...” he mumbled weakly as he floated back to earth.

“That was delicious, Daddy. Thank you.”

He chuckled. “Anytime.”

“Oh?” He could hear the wicked smirk in your voice. “How ‘bout round two then? We’ll cum together this time.”

Keigo grinned into the camera, where unfortunately a black screen stared back at him. Ah well, hopefully one day he would get to see the stranger attached to the lovely voice that coaxed him to his orgasm.

“Ready when you are, Baby Bird.”

(Art by: @kadeart )

[zirkkun]

I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

[hazard-and-friends]

Month 11

What the fuck. Holy hell buddy.

The focus here will be catching us up with the missed months and then next month I’ll do a 1 year retrospective.

The last time I posted one of these was January 9th. In late February, we moved from FL to WA; at the end of the month we moved into a new, one bedroom apartment. In mid-March I started a part time job which I adore (running puppy camp at a R+ facility! in the next few weeks I’ll start teaching swims and puppy play groups!). So first we did a massive amount of prep for the move, and then we did even more prep for post-move things like “meeting my family” and “oh shit there’s hills now” and in between the two we’ve made huge strides on the cat thing.

The details!

Night time: We have completely stopped putting him in the crate at night. There were two reasons for crating to begin with: 1) We didn’t know where Penny wanted to sleep and didn’t trust them when we were asleep and 2) to create good sleepy associations prior to the plane flight. #2 is no longer relevant and a) Penny wants to sleep Up or in the bed and b) Hazard laaaaargely doesn’t care about her once the lights go off. So he sleeps on the floor, after a VERY exciting 4 nights at the airbnb where he got to sleep in the people bed with the people (Penny slept on top of the catinets cabinets).

Crate in general: I spent 2 months working on the plastic crate not being the actual devil, and he did end up being happy in it. But he’s regressed to thinking that crates in general are prison spaces due to the plane flight, so it’s all to the good that he doesn’t have to go in at all anymore. Regular crate training (for trials) is on the task list.

Medications: He was on trazodone through late March. For the flight itself, I started him on gabapentin (100 mg 3x daily) 24 hours before the flight, and gave him a double dose when we left the apartment. All of this was cleared with his vet first, consult with your own etc. No side effects and the gabapentin definitely helped--but he was still upset at takeoff and landing. One of the reasons I wanted him to see a vet in March was to switch off trazodone and onto something actually validated in separation anxiety. He’s now on Reconcile, 24 mg once a day. At 2 weeks in: No lasting side effects (the first 48 hours were a little weird), and overall anxiety is decreasing.

Anxiety in general: IT’S BEEN A FUN TIME Y’ALL. Because trazodone and prozac (Reconcile) both affect serotonin, he had to come off trazodone for 4-5 days before starting Reconcile. Which confirmed a bunch of things:

Trazodone wasn’t doing very much at all. 90% of the time he was unchanged.

He is WAY more anxious on car rides than anyone realized. Once off trazodone, he started whining continuously on the way out--the way back is fine, either because he’s exhausted, he knows we’re going home, or we’ve already been to the superfunexcitingplace.

Trazodone wasn’t doing SHIT for his separation anxiety, which was unchanged.

He was only slightly more reactive to the cat and no more reactive to strangers. Cool.

Now that we’re 2 weeks into Reconcile: Starting to see big improvements in separation anxiety (more on that later) and cat tolerance is back to baseline (ditto). Car rides are still chatty but rapidly improving. No side effects, still playful and happy and silly.

Separation anxiety: Over a month, we achingly worked our way up to 90 seconds of me gone, or 30 seconds of me gone if I had done one preparing-to-leave thing. And even that was unreliable. That’s not right, guys. That’s the big reason we switched medications. Because keep in mind that all of this is while Jo was in the room with him. Yesterday I left to run errands with no prep and he just watched. I love Reconcile. It took about 5 minutes for him to settle down, but still. Plan is to bust ass and get to 15 minutes with no pre-departure cues and then add them back in.

Cat: Two steps forward one step sideways. While he chases her every other day or so, there are no gates in the new apartment. Sometimes we close the door to the bedroom so Penny can be unmolested, but often she’s the one who wants out, and she’s finding more and more places to chill. Moooost nights Hazard gets tied (harness to longline to my desk) but that’s more so that we don’t have to be constantly watching. At night there’s sometimes scuffles, but those end with Penny wherever she wanted to be and Hazard under the bed.

Weight: Vet had him at 44 lbs but he hadn’t pooped that day. He’s now on diet Hills SD, 1.5 cups, but he also gets around 100 pieces of treats a day so that’s surely impacting things. He’s looking better and better though--nice thigh muscles.

Formal training: I have completely jumped the shark and started teaching rally cues. As soon as the budget balances I want to get back to doing rally with Sydney’s trainer, and he’s picking up the basics really fast. Also, recall?? Is coming along fabulously?? Amazing. Love it when I don’t have to do anything.

I jest, I did a lot. We did a bowl game where I put him in a wait, put food in his bowl, then went to the other side of the room and called him. He had to come to me before going to the food, and that really helped recall click in a way that other games hadn’t.

Handling: After 11 months I admitted defeat and took him to the vet for nails. The vet tech’s verdict is that he sang at her but she got them done in 5 minutes so hey. We’re going back to the very basics and doing it to enthusiasm, not compliance, this time. Sigh.

Good note: I did teach him a chin rest and he now LOVES offering it. Amazing. Love him so much.

Stranger danger: the BIGGEST progress. In the last month he’s met both my parents, my grandparents, one of my siblings, and a friend. 6 people, 3 genders, aged 19-77, and a whole array of builds and heights. They’re all white but you can’t have everything. A growing theme is he’s much better in novel environments than in his home base, so probably we’ll be meeting people outside and then walking them in. But still, seeing huge improvements in his willingness to associate with strange humans and let them touch him.

Walks: 40 min morning/20 min evening, except for once a week when it’s a 50-60 min hike or sometimes we rent the field at my work... It’s hard to be a dog ;) Fitness is less his problem on walks than focus for that long, so the hike is actually easier for him than 40 min along a 35mph road. Still, we’re getting lots of nice perky behavior out and about.

[crypticdata]

Full commentary is here bois

Ok, first. That intro? Literally made me feel like i was watching WrestleMania ngl lmao. (Also Karl just full on simping for Dream like holy shit this guy was 5 seconds away from offering sacrifices to the green man). Also what were those arena names???

Round 1:

I laughed at them just batting each other with fishing poles for a full minute ngl. Dream went straight aggressive and it wasn't a good move considering it was Techno's home field. Pig lord brought it back real fast but Dream did a good with that bow shot knockback to get him off his trail (it just didn't work lmao)

Round 2:

Both of them don't really attack for a few seconds but thats pretty much a staple of 1.16 pvp. Techno tries the crossbow knockback strat but we can clearly see Manhunt Dream just fuckin rise up with his normal aggressive af play style. Like damn, dude had no mercy.

Round 3:

Fishing 2: electric boogaloo lmao. Techno was really playing it safe this round, backing up and letting Dream come to him. Dream, like the psychopath we all know and love, just fucking rushed Techno. Strat seemed to work for a while before Mr. Blade straight up started murdering Dream. Like, holy shit it was so close Techno won by one (1) heart. I actually screamed at end of this and scared my cat lol.

Round 4:

Techno rolling a 3 on intimidation with that log stripping lmao. Dream really tried to play it safe like the Pig man last round but Techno wouldn't give up! Man kept chasing him until he was cornered. The pressure was there and both of them were fairly aggressive this round. Even with the home field disadvantage Techno fucking owned Dream, Poggers dude.

Round 5:

PSYCHOPATH DREAM MAKES A FUCKING COMEBACK HOLY SHIT??? Dude, if Dream was anymore aggressive he would be my mom with a Karen in a parking lot. Techno really tried to get back but the green just wasn't having it. No chance, A pig lead right into the slaughter hot damn.

Round 6:

Psychopath Dream still going strong with that utter obliteration wtf. Only 2 hearts lost??? This man. Techno really tried to go more aggressive but Dream was shielding like a boss dude. Those axe crits probably felt like a punch to the face to the Potato farmer. It was over so fast too. Might've been the fastest round yet.

Round 7:

Fishing strats honestly saved Techno here. That knockback really threw off Dreams groove and Techno just rushed it when he was distracted.That ending was still pretty close tho. Overall stellar match tho!

Round 8:

Techno had a strong lead that round, those crossbow shots definitely did some damage. But Dreams dodge moves and axe crit combo just gave him the comeback of the century holy fuck. i honestly thought Techno had that. Pog to Dream man

Round 9:

You could really feel the pressure this round. If Techno won this, he literally could not lose. You could tell both parties were being extremely careful. Techno fell back everytime he got hit and they fished each other for a pretty long time. Both of them was reluctant to attack first but Techno went full ham the moment both of them started attacking each other like godamn, man was clicking the shit outta his mouse. He switched to full aggressive the moment he was hit. Dream had it for a second but eventually Techno was just too aggressive ig.

Round 10:

THE FINAL ROUND! THE AMOUNT OF SWEATING I DID LIKE IM NOT EVEN THE ONE WHO'S PVPING WTF. Techno back at it again with the log stripping intimidation lol. Dream really went full manhunt mode on this round tbh, hitting Techno and then using the pillars to dodge and weave and try and get the Pig man's weak spot. But he was really screwed when they fully battled it out. Techno just got way too many hits in for Dream to still play as aggressively as he did. It could've worked, but it didn't this time and Techno got the killing blow.

Overall, the match was pretty neck and neck until the very end imo. It was devastating to watch as a Dream stan but i respect Techno for beating him in 1.16. Man deserves the crown he wears.

Also my favorite qoutes because honestly the commentary was 10/10:

"What are you gonna do if you end up losing?" "Im gonna cry"

"You're stealing Karl away from me!"

"I CAN'T GET 10-0ED NOW GUYS!"

"you're gonna drop that crown of yours ok king?" (Karl you fucking simp omg)

"He's been practicing 3 hours a day!" "They made hours that small?"

"How much health did he have?" "Uh- full, don't even worry about it" "BS"

"the most riveting gameplay in the world: fishing!"

"I DIDN'T GO TO FEDEX THIS MORNING TO GET THIS SHIRT FOR NOTHING!"

"I can only get 8-2ed now! POOOG!"

"Dreams one of the best players in the world, where is this coming from??" "Im not half bad myself" "l-l mean i can tell!"

"THATS MY DREAM!!"

"how much health was he on?" "He had 1 heart" "bruhhhhhh"

"It's now tied up again" "tied is good!" "I like ties"

"i just praised jesus and I'm not even a christian thats how happy i am"

"Give Techno a pep talk, let him know we're ready" "He doesn't need it but I'll do it anyway" (Chris out here being the hardest Techno stan)

"its only a 100 grand, don't be too sad" "Thank you- thank you Chandler"

"Techno is currently in the lead, can Dream tie it up again?" "Nooo, he can't"

"HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING (x3)"

"i think i broke my mic stand"

"10s of 1000s of Dream stans are watching from across the world" "Yes we are!" (Karl jfc control your simpness lmao)

"KARLS SUCH A TIER 3 SIMP OH MY GOD" (You said it Chris)

"If he wins this, it's atleast a tie for him. I don't want him to be that happy, i want you to be that happy"

"im so nervous im about to poop my pants"

"I used the rod I just had to remember Calvin's teachins"

"All i have to do is not get owned by Dream's epic axe crits"

"If you win the next one, 100 grand is being deposited into your bank account" "gasps that's atleast 12 pizzas!"

"Lets let the axes speak for theirselves"

"TECHNOBLADE YOU ANIMAL"

"lets be honest i thought i was gonna lose not gonna lie" (Techno out here with that low self-esteem)

"No beef" "I- no, i hate Techno, i hate him so much" "OH I HATE THAT GUY"

[gr0veyard]

Ooc.; also other stuff im giving my 2 Cents to, so skip if you dont care

[[MORE]]

Puberty blockers:

PBs are not irreversible lmao. They don't mutilate a minors body. They merely keep puberty on hold long enough for the minor in question to have time to make sure they want to transition. PUBERTY is what is irreversible. Imagine going thru puberty and growing into a body that at worst will make you wanna KYS and at best hate looking at yourself in the mirror. Do you know how expensive transition can be after puberty? PLEASE do more research before making asinine statements like PBs being comparable to mutilation. PBs only hold puberty as long as theyre being taken, meaning that if you stop taking em puberty will set in just as it usually would.

"Even hormone blockers and transitional hormones are largely untested when it comes to long term effects" is a baseless claim which a little googling can be disproven.

"One of my friends in high school medically transitioned, and it did nothing to help their dysphoria. It just made them even more depressed, and they later killed themselves." I'm sorry for your loss, genuinly. That really sucks. But as much it makes me look like an asshole for saying this, this is an appeal to emotion (aka not factually backing your other claims) and also circumstancial. If your friend's suicide was tied to their transition, their case is just that: theirs. One of the biggest contributors to trans suicude rates is the unattainability of affordable transition and dysphoria caused by the changes made by puberty, only topped by abuse from people towards trans people. By advocating for PBs to be prohibited or limited, you don't help. You make the problem worse.

Communism:

"I’m against Communist and Fascism as they’re both extremely Authoritarian systems that give the government complete control over how you live your life." Since I'm a socialist and not a communist I cant speak for communism, but most allegedly communist states today still basically operate on a capitalist core, where they have communist parties etc., but still have a free market for instance. China for example, but Russia too.

Capitalism amasses copious amounts of wealth on the backs of the lower class in a short amount of time but is ultimately unsustainable. Vaush on youtube has a number of videos on this I recommend you to check out.

Healthcare:

"You can’t have a right to the services and labor of another person, their own freedom is taken away by that." No one is saying that should happen. Ideally, the state pays for this healthcare and before you say anything about that: I'm from a country without america's privatized healthcare. It's never been an issue here, people aren't fucking terrified shitless to go to the doctor bc they could go into crippling debt. Sure, you gotta wait a lil longer than someone w a private insurance company (which still exists but isnt necessary to live) in the waitingroom but that's annoying at worst.

I went to america end of 2019 to visit my gf and I fell really ill there. I had to go to the doctor there and I nearly felt my soul leave my body when I had to pay 100 FUCKING DOLLARS HOLY SHIT. thats nearly a fourth of my monthly income bro, how can you claim this to be okay? Ofc medstaff still need to be paid but oh my gods this is not okay. If I had to live with this system for the rest of my life it's fair to say I'd never go to the fucking doctor. And that'd be worse for the docs AND FOR ME.

"If you die or develop incurable illness awaiting treatment for months, there’s nothing anyone can do. If you’re treated right away and unfortunately end up with loads of medial debt, it’s unfortunate, but you’re still alive. You can still try to fundraise money, get donations, or if you’re skilled, work it off. It’s really shitty, but necessary." N- no????? It reaLLY ISNT THOUGH??? As I've stated before, this is not an issue w public healthcare. It's smth that's an issue in general and it DOES happen in america right now. Where I live this doesnt happen to my knowledge. Why should it? The gov is gonna pay anyway so might as well get it done and get the next patient. You shouldnt have to go into debt to live. That's not humane.

"I don’t think the poor should die, I don’t want the suffering to be left to their fate." Contradictory to the part where you think going into debt is necessary. Being in debt IS suffering. *I* am in debt, and I suffer because of it everyday. And it's not because of healthcare.

When going into debt to heal is your only option as an alternative to possibly dying or suffering on, then making that choice is like having to choose between the black plague and cholera.

"Buy a gun, grow a garden, learn to build shelter, and make plans to invade a neighboring territory and become it’s technocratic warlord after your country collapses into an unlivable hellscape." Making a joke like this at the end of a post about serious topics like this is kind of trivializing the entire issue and a little disrespectful. Don't do that please. It's like you're comparing to Fallout 4 and I shouldn't need to point out why that's bad.

At the end of the day, Im not trying to change your mind bc thats futile and not my job. But I do absolutely intend to fact check claims I know for a fact are BS, or educate myself to make my own judgement, and so should you. If you want to know how truthful smth is, listen to multiple scources (centrist AND leftist) and crosscompare wether what you hear abt certain leftist ideas is in fact true or not.

Or dont and continue living in an echochamber. Your call.

Have a nice day.

[licenselesswriter]

1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 41, 44. And if I could send more, I would.

Inspiration and Reading Asks:

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction? Started reading when I was 12, started writing it, when I was 14, so reading, 19 years ago, and writing 17 years ago.

2. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both? I’m a 33.3% reader, 33.3% WIP machine, a 33.4% writer, and 100% mess, I usually spend my time doing an absurd amount of WIP that comes out of thin air, like, I can be eating an apple, boom, Bori WIP, a cup of coffee? Boom, Roro WIP, breathing? Boom, Lucaya WIP (that last one happens the most)

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do? It’s called Unfaithful (EN), it’s on fanfiction.net, and honestly, it’s so well written, that I had nausea 3 times while reading it, the pain was so palpable that I felt ill from it.

4. Link your three favorite fics right now. Right now, and in order 1 - Unfaithful (EN)  2 - Twenty Nights  3 - Perfect 

6. How do you find a new fic to read? Where do you primarily read fanfiction? Fanfiction or AO3, and have an excel doc with my favorite ships, then I go to the random number generator, putting 1 as the minimum and maximum the number of the last ship I added to the list, then hit random, and read about that ship, keep things fresh.

7. Do you prefer to read short fics or long fics? Both.

8. How often do you reblog/comment on fics that you like? When they are on Tumblr, a few times.

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community. I’m sorry, but I don’t know if they have Tumblr, so, amirmitchell, snowdrifts, and Onde Tu Esteves

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for? Fandom: Game of Thrones, love all those modern universe AU I have to say. Pairing: Lucaya (Not a surprise) Character: Lucas Friar, Portgas D. Ace, Roronoa Zoro, or Prince Zuko.

Fanfiction Writing Asks:

11. How do you come up with your fic titles? Coffee, food, and usually, Spotify, all that, sometimes, make my brain work into having titles about the things I want to write.

13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic? I do outlines, in 5 stages, so a pretty big one. 1 - I write in my notebook, what I want to write, like a general idea. 2 - Post it on my walls and door, to give the story some structure. 3 - Notebook outline the arch of the story. 4 - Outline every chapter on word. 5 - Reduce that chapter into mini arches to write faster.

14. Do you have a personal word minimum that you hold yourself too? Why or why not? I do (now), I usually don’t post anything that is less than 2900 words, Why? because we must not forget that writers not only write for people in the fandom, they mainly write for themselves, and I love to read something among that word count because that’s long enough to keep me on the hook.

16. Do you research for your fics? If so, how deep of a rabbit hole have you gone down by accident when researching? I do research for my fics, how deep? I can give indications for divorce paperwork in the state of New York, even if you want or not to go scorch the earth with the “fault” rule, I can give an appropriate value to an apartment or a house in New York, Texas, Nashville, and San Francisco, and I can do taxes on those states too, and I know more about how high school classes work in the US than in my country, even when I went to those classes, and I’m from Santiago, Chile, you know, in South America, like, the last country of South America

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback? I don’t, once I finish writing something, I run away, and watch anime for a few hours, or work (Yeah, sometimes I write on my lunch hour)

18. Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie? I do apologize to “The Games we Play” I have no idea how I outlined your 26 chapters, but I’m still on chapter 2, and I’m sorry.

19. Do you edit your fics after you write them, or do you prefer to just hit post and run (because it’s someone else’s problem now)? Sometimes I do because sometimes, I write things wrong.

20. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process? That happiness I get when I’m in the Zone, and I write something that makes me say “Fuck, that was good”

21. What’s your least favorite part about the fanfiction writing process? I call it “The Deep White”, also known as writer’s block.

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write? I don’t write it anymore, because I was banned from a forum for writing it, but I love to write a bad ending, like “Killing the main character that I make you love for 30 chapters in the end” ending. I’m evil, I know, sue me.

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write? The “Good girl trying to change the bad boy,” I hate, apologies, I DESPISE that trope, it’s not cool, first, to be with someone abusive, and second, to try to change someone because you think you’re so almighty that you will change him (or her)  because of love, bs, I SAID BS.

25. Do you listen to music as you write? If possible, link your writing playlist. I do, and of course, it’s named “Writing Shiet” because my brain can only process decent titles for fics (Says the guy who once named a fic “No Title”) Here’s the link 

26. What’s your biggest distraction when writing? Anime and Manga.

27. Do you like to give your readers some warning of what might be coming or just slap them in the face with content at random? I don’t usually do it, but when I do it, I do it cryptic, like “You might be surprised, but this, I called in the beginning.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)? I ignore it, If I can ignore good advice, ignore something that gives me more stress it’s an easy cake.

29. Have you ever written for an exchange or event of some kind? Which one(s)? Did you enjoy it? I did but didn’t submit, I wrote for 2019 fictoberfest on Tumblr, but never send a shit, I did enjoy it tho

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words. "Well, we're still not in Texas," he says, implying something not PG-13 at all. "My God, in what did I turn you?" Maya teases him before getting up and grab his hand, pulling him up. Lucas grins at her, "On," he replies, making Maya flirty hit his chest

31. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones? I love writing Lucas and Maya, and honestly don’t know if it helps me or not LOL.

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from? 1 - From November to June CH3 A few hours later, Maya heard a knock on her door. She takes a peek through the magic eye on her door and saw Lucas. She grabs her phone and fastly texts him. She was able to hear the 'ding' of his phone, and spying through the magic eye she saw his reaction. "Ok, first of all, I'm not that, second, my mother is not that, and third, I'm not gonna put that there, that's fucking gross, and probably deadly if you consider the size of my hands." he defends himself. 2 - Ten Duel Commandments CH2 Maya smiles at him, "Since you're all Texan cowboy goody-good boy, I imagine you would relate more with the honorable Lord Stark," she teases him. "Says the woman who read three books in a row and texts me at four in the morning," he replies before pulling out his phone, "R+L=J," he teases her, reading her text. "That's private, asshole," Maya recriminates him. 3 - The One Who Stayed CH18 "Then, I have less... GET OFF ME FUCKER!" Maya screamed, punching the person who grabbed her arm, "Holy shit, Lucas." she says, looking at the person she just hit. "Noted, never approach to you by surprise." Lucas says on the floor, "Well, this makes me feel more confident about you being here alone." he says before start laughing.

33. What do you like writing better: one-shots or multi-chapter stuff? Multi-chapter, unless, it’s wedding fics because I love weddings.

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is? None.

35. How much has writing fic changed your life? Not much, but has made me happier.

36. Are there any fics or fandoms you’re embarrassed to have written or been part of? The Glee Project Fandom.

37. Give an update on your current WIP - if you don’t have one, give a sneak peek to a title or idea that you have and would like to write. "Shawn called him, and he assures him that if you try something inappropriate, he has a shotgun," she adds, making Lucas's face go pale. "Well, guess like father, like son," he comments, making Maya show unexpected interest in his words.

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)? As I explained in the outline question, pretty tame if we count that I have my outline process numbered LOL.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on? That I try to make it real, I try to make people feel something when they read.

41. What’s your most popular fic (with the most notes on Tumblr, most hits/kudos on ao3)? Tumblr? The One Who Stayed Fanfiction.net? Ten Duel Commandments

44. Rant about something writing-related. Please, let’s stop glorifying the “Bad Boy” character, he’s an asshole, allow me to explain, Bakugo, fucking asshole, he’s just a bully with an oversized ego, no, he’s not a tsundere, no, it’s not cute, that shit is abusive, and it really makes me want to punch people in their nose when the romanticize that bullshit.

Done

(Told ya I was bored)

[gayregis]

blood and wine rewrite au basic layout

i already posted something like this before but i cant find the post so im just rewriting all of this from the top of my head

everyone’s repurposed roles:

geralt - he’s still a witcher. he’s geralt of rivia. obviously. i don’t have time or interest to think about how to rewrite the entire witcher 3 game to be lore-friendly, but i assume there would be less triss and more dandelion involved in it. for this let’s just take him as geralt having done everything in tw3 but with the personality of geralt from the books because geralt from the games doesn’t have much of a strong personality good for writing or thinking about.

regis - a bitch. nah jk. he’s same regis but just what he was like 100 years ago when he got his head cut off. he’s less spiralling-into-doom than he was then, and is less desperate and hopeless overall, but is slowly getting there once again. he doesn’t remember anything about learning from his mistakes and becoming a good person, because this regis didn’t get any of that. to this regis, it’s like no time has passed at all since he died, and he’s ready to start partying again without any thought of the consequences. he’s moved to toussaint because everyone’s already tipsy there and the north is plagued by war so it’s not a really great source to be drinking from (like if there was a sewage leak near the vineyard you sourced your wine from). he doesn’t remember anything about maturing up or about becoming a surgeon or about the hansa, so that sucks.

dettlaff - not a fucking maniac. actually a character geralt will likely spend a good amount of time talking to. total character overhaul because he does not have a personality in the actual DLC. he arrived in toussaint because he had heard that regis had returned and wanted to fix things wih him, he had previously left him.

syanna - not a fucking dumbass, yet still naive in her own way due to being blinded with the promise of power. in this, she is planning to stage a coup on the duchy (because she is the older sister, so it IS her right by law) and she supports regis’ slow dive again into uncontrollable insanity because it helps her prop up rumors that her sister’s reign is ineffective against real threats and is cursed. but this alliance does not go as she planned...

orianna -  in this, she is the owner of a gladiatorial school (instead of an orphanage), and is still like in canon a wealthy and influential individual of beauclair, yet reclusive from human society. she is regis’ best friend and goads him on, because she never fixed her own issues with alcoholism and now is elated to have him back and forgetting that they had disagreements which drove them apart in the first place. they’re best friends (NO romance) and it’s just good to see how insanely different orianna and geralt are because they’ve both been regis’ close friends at different points in time.

the purpose of this:

fix regis’ relationships with the vampires. he slowly drove all of his good friends away by going off the deep end and many are likely wondering whatever happened to him. but books regis would never consider partying like that again, so we bring the party regis back and then slowly de-escalate him into normal books regis again, and we finally get closure with him and his old friends.

cool dramatic stereotypical vampire shit. i’m talking about a final battle or conversation in a giant dark castle with large open windows and billowing drapery.

regis’s hairstyle

give syanna actual agency as a character and give her motivations that extend beyond pure revenge (although they are related to revenge) and make her more unique so she is not just a ripoff of renfri. 

demonstrate anna henrietta and geralt’s relationship as it was in the books. he was genuinely intimidated by her and i interpret him as being jealous of her relationship with dandelion, so he in practice was quite withdrawn around her as she was her overemotional and embellished self

give dettlaff an actual character, holy shit. i hate how sorely underdeveloped he is in the game. i understand why because it’s not meant to be writing, it’s meant to be a video game, but come on. i hate having the vampire with the cool character design be the ultimate villain of the whole narrative. in this, he’s someone geralt can talk to and sees himself in. he’s emotionally mature and doesn’t mix with the other vampires. since we already know what regis is like, we don’t have to sit through dettlaff making excuses for him and trying to describe what his character is like. we also get a better view of regis’ past through dettlaff’s lense. 

give orianna an actual character, holy shit. i hate how they didn’t even try with her and just used her as a “surprise, she is quite evil!” gimmick. have her actually have a larder for blood that is lore-friendly yet still jumps out at the audience as morally wrong.  give her more personality and development.

examine regis’ backstory without actually getting into every single year of those 4 centuries. we can examine how it started good, turned bad, went worse... there’s a lot of loss involved and i think this would be nice to process it.

roughly what happens (under cut because if i ever do write this fic out, this is spoilers, literally the synopsis of the whole thing):

anna henrietta sends envoys to geralt. they establish that the duchess has no conflict with geralt and that her conflict was with dandelion, only. she has requested his help because he effectively dealt with many monsters while he was in beauclair and established a trustworthy reputation (also, he’s famous, and toussaintoirs are superficial). instead of the beast of beauclair killing particular victims, it’s the countryside which has been plagued by vicious attacks of the devil knows what.

geralt arrives and examines the scenes of the attacks. the sincere majority of the victims are alive, so he speaks to them. they remember nothing, but woke up with their village fucking absolutely trashed and with vomit everywhere. they all have wounds on their necks. geralt thinks he knows what’s up, but is reluctant to deal with it because of his memories of regis, who he misses

damien de la tour is assigned to geralt as a sort of backup. they argue and geralt manages to get him to stay put in beauclair while he rides to a village they believe will be attacked next. it’s not even a full moon so the vampires don’t even come out in their bat form (disappointing) but instead just mesmerize their way in in humanoid form. dettlaff sneaks up on geralt who is (ahem) staking out the situation, and is like hey dont kill regis hes not evil hes just misguided!! and geralt is like REGIS? EMIEL REGIS? THTS WHO’S LEADING THEM? i ..... i know him.... and dettlaff’s like what the fuck how... then they get caught and regis is like oh hey dettlaff who’s this guy and geralt feels very left out :( and also sad bc regis doesnt remember shit and geralt even lists the hansa members by name and regis is still like O_O ok yeah im just going to hypnotize you to get lost ok goodbye! but dettlaff prevents him from doing this and they both get thrown out of the party.

after the party geralt is a mess and is like wtf so hes back and what... how... huh... and dettlaff doesnt know how he returned or why he returned either but they compare geralt’s knowledge of how regis died with dettlaff’s knowledge of how regeneration works and they figure out that regis just regenerated from his past body and that’s why he doesn’t have any of his memories from when he turned good.

then they eavesdrop a little more and find out that syanna has been talking to regis and making deals with him (its... not really like she thinks, regis really hasnt been doing anything he doesnt want to. shes just like “hey can you attack this village here” and regis is like yeah i was gonna host a party there tomorrow night ...) so they are like who the fuck is this woman and track her down to her base of operations, and then they find out that THEY got followed by damien de la tour, who identifies her as sylvia anna. geralt is a little miffed on behalf of dandelion that damien seems to be so close to anna henrietta but i digress.

geralt reports his findings to the duchess but does NOT mention regis because the duchess knows who regis is. then we get the same vampire talk from canon b&w where the duchess and damien are sorely misinformed on every single thing ever.

geralt is defeated and has no idea on how to fix this and hes looking hard into a mirror by candlelight and then decides to go to bed so he turns around and regis is right behind him like hey. cue ‘holy shit what the fuck’ moment and freaking out. regis explains himself and says that he doesnt remember him but the fact that he gave so many specifics weirded him out and he kind of wants to know more out of curiosity. also he wants to talk to dettlaff but feels too bad about how he argued with him like 3 centuries ago that he cant just ask him directly.

so they talk and geralt is all :(( and regis is like ok well. i kinda want to get these memories back because they sound pretty significant and also im pretty miserable. but also im not going to stop partying bc its the only thing that makes me feel alive rn. so long!

geralt and dettlaff talk to orianna and she dislikes them both but still talks to them and then regis materializes and also begins bothering them and its quite civil but this scene just serves to demonstrate how annoying they are as friends lol

there’s scenes where you can either save damien / syanna from being unalived by the vampires’ / regis’ hand, only if you let syanna die will the duchess be mad and accuse you of being heartless like dandelion is and then geralt and the duchess actually get into an argument bc of that comment but geralt ofc loses bc hes scared of her lol

no matter what you get regis his memories back but your decisions to either continue helping him or not is what makes him change or not. even after he gets his memories back (or because he gets his memories back?) he decides to raze beauclair bc hes just so fucking miserable and geralt has to talk him down, if you are harsh and not understanding and shame him etc then he doesnt change, if you condemn his actions but still offer your support then he does.

if you offer your support > geralt talks about the hansa like For Ever and regis then adds in everything and yay regis is back to normal. theres like a wholesome montage of geralt being like “just TRY to sew up a wound i promise you you will be good at it” and regis does and hes splendid at it. regis and dettlaff finally make up and are bros once again. we help orianna with her issues and she realizes stuff but is still going to have a drink once in a while. if syanna is alive she doesnt hate on any of this but just decides to make up with the duchess and then become captain of the guard (damien gets fired for being a dumbass).

if you do not offer your support > regis goes to cry in a delapidated creepy old castle and you have an epic fight (geralt is backed up by dettlaff) and he turns into a bat and geralt almost dies, they manage to decapitate regis again and put him in the ground and set a timer for 50 years

if you redeem regis then there’s an ending scene where the duchess is like “oh regis i didnt know you were in town” and hes just like <:) ahaha... yeah...

cue crying about milva/cahir/angouleme For Ever. maybe link this with the fic where geralt and regis bring them all back as ghosts/real ppl and then they have to deal with those consequences

[hippiebuckyharrington]

Just that Lucky

This is for the @harringroveweekoflove prompt secret admirer. 

Read below or on ao3 (it’s 9K so I’d recommend this) here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22703350

5.       The first one is in his gym locker.

 Billy’s early to practice, his English teacher was on the verge of a mental breakdown because of how idiotic her students are and let them out early. He wrenches open his locker and blinks down at the piece of paper sitting on top of the slightly crusty pile of gym shorts at the bottom. He glances around, and then picks it up. It was lying there kinda haphazardly, like it had been shoved through the grate on the front.

 Billy unfolds it, feeling unsure.

Billy,

 I like the way you chew on a pencil when you focus hard on your homework. Makes me look at your mouth, which then makes me think about your mouth on things that aren't a pencil. That got dirty quick didn't it? Yikes. But you're sitting there, out in public, reading fucking Pride and Prejudice, and chewing on your damn pencil, and I can't focus on anything else. Who let you be so handsome?! It's a crime.

 Well, not a crime. But still, I gotta finish this damn assignment, and tell me, how the hell am I supposed to do that with you looking like that? Fucking rude.

 Sorry if this is objectifying, my friend says I shouldn't objectify people, regardless of their gender. But you've got a great mouth, and I bet you're understanding every word of that damn novel. I read about two pages and gave up because I didn't understand a single damn word.

 I hope you smile at this; you deserve smiles.

 Love,

One of what I'm sure are a 100 secret admirers.

 Billy just gapes down at the messy handwriting scrawling over the half a page. It's weird and rambling, not quite written like a letter would normally be, but like whoever this is was just writing down literally everything they thought.

 Billy reads it again. He was reading Pride and Prejudice during lunch yesterday, sitting in the sunshine on the hood of Carol’s car, while she and Tommy made out in the back of the car. He had a quiz over parts of the book that afternoon. Tons of people had been in the parking lot, eating lunch or smoking and enjoying the sunshine and warmth that's so rare for this time of year in Hawkins. Tons of girls had grinned at him, and flirted as they passed, so it's absolutely impossible to know who wrote the letter.

 Billy hears Tommy yelling from out in the gym, and swears softly before shoving the note in his backpack, and changing quickly. He's sitting on the bench, tying his shoes when Harrington and Tommy walk in.

 "Yo Hargrove! What's up?" Tommy yells. Billy rolls his eyes. Harrington goes to his locker.

 "Hey." He says softly.

 "Hi." Billy answers, and hates the way his heart stutters a little. He apologized for beating Steve up, and now they are sort of friends, maybe? It's all confusing, because Billy has maybe just a bit of a crush on Steve.

 Billy ties his shoes and goes out to the gym to start warming up for practice.

 After practice, and chores and yelling, and all the joys that the Hargrove house offers as after school enrichment, when he's curled in bed, he rereads the note, and smiles a little. It's nice to know that someone thought of him like that.

  4.       The next one he finds taped to the underside of his desk.

 He's having a rough day, he had a rough morning, his back still aching from the bookcase he was shoved into, and he's just tired of everything. He drops into his seat, and drops his head to his desk, waiting for Mr. Peters to start the class. He's not really in the mood for math today. The rest of the class files in around him, getting out their homework, and chatting. Billy digs his out, and thinks it on the desk but it goes fluttering off the desk and under to the neighboring one. He sighs, and smiles a little when the girl next to him picks it up and hands it to him.

 "There's something under your desk." She says. Billy moves his feet but sees only cheap linoleum. "No, like taped under it." She says. Billy frowns and feels around, cringing away from the gum, until he finds the paper. He pulls it off, and frowns down at it.

 "Thanks." He says to the girl, who nods and goes back to finishing her homework. Billy glances at his name on the folded scrap, and then unfolds it.

 It's the same handwriting as the one form the other day, and Billy blinks a little in surprise.

 Billy,

 I walked by the gym the other day, and just about died. Your class was apparently lifting weights? I didn't even know we had a weight room! So, I guess I walked by the weight room and not the gym. Anyway, you were lying on the weight bench, pressing so much my mouth went dry. Holy shit. Your arms have no business looking that good. How much were you pressing there, babe? It looked like a lot. I bet it was a lot. God. It's unfair. How can you look so good all the time? How is it that you sweaty and grunting is such a turn on? Actually, I just read that and I get it now. That makes tons of sense. Never mind.

 You didn't see me watching, gaping like a fish. I'm glad of that, because that would have been super awkward.

 I realize that I'm objectifying you again, but it's not creepy. At least it's not supposed to be.

 I have nightmares, I can't sleep through the night, not for almost a year now. I won't bore you with the details, but watching those impressive arms of yours, I realized something. I realized that I'd feel really safe with you holding me in those muscly arms of yours. Bet I'd actually sleep through the night if you held me. Hell, even if you were in the bed with me, I bet I'd sleep just fine. I'm so tired, this doesn't make any sense. Sorry.

 I want to fall asleep in your arms, I want to feel safe again.

 Love,

Probably your most depressing secret admirer.

 Billy just stares down at this letter. His heart aches for whoever this is. He wonders how tall they are, would they fit well in his arms? He assumes they would, and wouldn't mind holding someone as they slept, helping them finally catch the rest they so obviously need.

 Billy tucks the letter in his notebook and tries to focus on the class. He had weights yesterday, so he wonders how long the note has been sitting there. And he wonders all through the lesson, if the writer got any more sleep last night.

 He wonders all through the rest of the day, glancing at all the girls to see who's looking especially tired today. He watches a fair amount of the guys too; girls are normally more flowery in their writing than this person is. And not that he's out or anything, but he's gay, so he hopes it's a guy.

 Billy heads to lunch, scowling out the windows. It's snowing, because of course it is. He's not watching where he's going so he collides with someone, and drops his bag and his lunch, papers and his sandwich scattering everywhere.

 "Oh fuck. Sorry, sorry I'm sorry." Steve says and crouches to start gathering the papers. He's grateful the letter is tucked away in his pocket and not among the notes and homework scattered around the hall.

 "Relax, Harrington." Billy says, and bends to pick his things up too. He glances at Steve and then just stares. Steve looks exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, and tiredness tugging his mouth into a frown.

 "You ok?" Billy asks. Steve nods and shoves his papers back at him.

 "I wouldn't eat that sandwich. Can I buy you lunch?" Steve asks. Billy blinks.

 "You don't have to Harrington, really, it's ok." Billy says. Steve sighs, and digs in his pocket, handing Billy a five.

 "Just take it ok. Sorry to ruin your lunch."

 "Jesus Harrington. What's wrong?" Billy asks.

 "Nothing. I was up late last night." Steve says, and then walks away, hands shoved in his pockets and head down. Billy stares down the hall after him, wondering why Steve looks so rough. Maybe he and the rumor of the week had a fight. He remembers the letter, but dismisses the thought that it’s Steve, because Billy’s not that lucky.

Billy stare’s after the retreating man, and wishes, not for the first time, that he could pull Steve close and tell him everything will be ok.

  3.       The third one Max actually hands him.

 He's waiting at the arcade for her and her friends to be done. He’s bored, so he's sitting in his car, working on his math homework and smoking. A car pulls in next to him, and he glances over, smiling a little when he recognizes Steve’s BMW. Steve leans over and puts down his passenger side window, and nods a little at Billy.

 "Hey." He says, and he looks better than he did last week, less exhausted.

 "Heya pretty boy." Billy teases. Steve grins a little, and flushes slightly.

 "Waiting for Max?" Steve asks. Billy nods, scribbling down an answer.

 "Here for Dustin?" Billy asks.

 "And Will and Mike, and Lucas, and probably El." Steve says, and grins a little.

 "Damn Harrington."

 "I offered." Steve says, with a shrug. "Hey, can I bum a cigarette?" Steve asks. Billy nods, grabs one out of his pack and stretches to hand it over, then holds out his Zippo. He glances up from the problem he was working on when Steve doesn't take it. Instead, Steve puts the cigarette between his lips, and leans over, raising an eyebrow.

 Billy blinks, and his mouth goes dry. He flips the Zippo open, and flicks it so the flame dances. His eyes are riveted to Steve's lips as they purse around the cigarette as he leans over to light it. They must look ridiculous, Billy leaning nearly all the way out of his car to reach, and Steve is leaning so far over the gearshift it's digging into his side. But Billy is enraptured with the flickering light playing on Steve’s face. Steve gets the cigarette lit and they both lean back into their seats.

 He takes a deep pull off the cigarette.

 "Thanks." He says, voice a little rough. Billy just nods, and turns back to his homework because he can't handle what just happened. It's quiet for a while, and then Billy reaches over and dumps the five dollars from the other day in Steve's window.

 "You didn't spend it?" Steve sounds surprised. Billy shrugs. "You should have, I ruined your lunch." Steve says.

 "I don't need it, I stole Carols fries, and Tommy had already bought me a burger." Billy says. The fries’ bit is true, the burger isn’t. But Steve hadn't been in the cafeteria so it didn't matter.

 "Oh. Well, I'm still sorry." Steve whispers. Billy laughs.

 "It's fine Harrington. Shit happens. I'm not mad. You act like I'm gonna hit you. I told you, October was a bad night for me, I'm really sorry for what happened, it won’t ever happen again." Billy says, frowning.

 "I don't think you're gonna hit me. I just feel bad." Steve says. Billy laughs.

 "Don’t, it's fine, really." Billy says, and finishes his homework, shoving it back in his backpack.

 They sit in silence for a moment, Steve finishing his cigarette, Billy trying not to stare too openly. The arcade bursts open and the kids come running out. The boys and El all pile into Steve's car, talking excitedly to him. Max slides into the front seat of the Camaro and hands Billy a folded piece of paper.

 "It was under the wiper." She says. Billy glances at it, and opens it up. Max is leaning around him to yell at her friends and Steve, a conversation he tunes out.

 Bills,

 You had your arm around Carol today. You guys were walking in from the parking lot, I was standing inside waiting for my friend, and I saw you tuck her up against your side. I know better than anyone that she's dating Tommy, but it still made my heart ache. I want to be the one under your arm. I know it was cold, and she is a bitch about the cold, always has been, but I hated seeing her there. I want to be who you pull close walking in to the school. I want to feel the warmth and weight of your arm around my shoulders as we walk.

 But I'm not like Carol. In a lot of ways, but I'm also taller than you. So maybe I should say I want to tuck you under my arm.

 I'm not writing this to be mad or anything, I'm just a little jealous. Because I really like you, and I really care about you. But I don't think that you feel the same way, I don't think you long for me the way I long for you. And that's ok, baby, really it is.

 That's why I don't sign these letters, why I try to avoid you, because I want to be the one you love so bad, I'm afraid if you look at me for too long, you're gonna see it in my eyes. And that if you see it you'll hate me.

 But I like to think that when you read these, you can picture them coming from whatever girl has caught your eye, and that they make you a little happy.

 I just want to make you happy.

 Love,

Your secret admirer that pines the most.

 Billy actually aches reading the words, more than he has reading the others. Whoever wrote them was right, Carol had been bitching about the cold, and he'd jokingly pulled her close. He hadn't seen anyone watching them, but he hates that he caused them any sort of pain. That's never what he wants, contrary to what people think.

Billy folds the letter, tucks it in his pocket. He'll reread it again at home. It's what he does every night, rereads each letter, touching his fingers gently to the words, wondering at the person who wrote them.

 Billy glances over at Steve, the kids are still shouting at each other, not angry shouting, just having a yelled conversation. But Steve is staring at Billy. When Billy meets his eyes, he flushes inexplicably, and suddenly yells at the kids to get their seatbelts on.

 "Is that another one?" Max asks, watching Steve's car tear out of the parking lot.

 "Yeah." He says. Max knows, because they are close, and she found a note. She didn't read the one she found in his jacket pocket, but she asked. Billy had explained and they had spent nearly an hour trying to figure out who wrote the letters.

 "Any idea who it is?" She asks.

 "Nope, not a clue." Billy says, and heads home.

 He gets in a fight with his dad later, and lies down on his bed, crying quietly, holding his ribs.

 Max creeps in after their parents go to bed, and offers an ice pack. She lies on his bed with him, head on his shoulder. She wordlessly hands him the little stack of letters, and closes her eyes and goes to sleep while he rereads them. They make him feel better, warm and lighter.

 2.       The next letter somehow winds up in the pocket of his jeans.

 He's not sure how. Well, that's not true. It had to have happened during basketball practice, that was the only time all day he was out of his jeans. But he didn't find it until it fluttered out of his pocket that night.

 He squashes the little flicker of hope he gets when he realizes it was placed during basketball practice, because there were no girls around at practice. Which means two things. The most likely is that one of the guys planted it for the girl who is writing, and that the first one he found in the locker room was planted by the same friend or she snuck in.

 The option Billy hopes for, quietly and to himself, is that some guy on the team is the secret admirer. He hopes its Steve. He knows that it’s not, he knows that. But God, Billy wants it to be, so so badly.

 He picks this note up, and is unfolding it when the phone rings. He leaps up and answers it, before his dad can yell.

 "Hello?" He says.

 "Oh wow. Didn't think you'd answer. I prepared a whole speech if someone who wasn't you answered and I had to ask for you." Steve is rambling. Billy can't believe it. Steve is calling him? Him?!

 "Harrington?" He asks.

 "Yeah. Hi." Steve says breathlessly.

 "Who's on the phone?" Neil barks from around the corner to the living room., pausing his argument with Susan, to yell at Billy.

"A friend, we have a school project, I told him not to call after 5." Billy says quickly.

 "Him?!" Neil cries. Billy winces, and is glad Neil can't see him.

 "Yeah, uh the teacher paired us; our last names are next to each other in the alphabet. I didn't get to pick. And he's dating Nancy Wheeler." Billy calls.

 "No, I'm not." Steve says, sounding confused. Billy closes his eyes.

 "Oh, well he's not allowed over here. And you have fifteen minutes. This can be done during school hours." Neil snaps, and then goes back to the argument.

 "Yes sir." Billy calls and then turns away from the living room.

 "Why are you calling?" Billy snaps, low and nervous.

 "Um… I just wanted to talk." Steve says. Billy frowns.

 "You want to what? Harrington, we don't do this. You can't call here." Billy snaps.

 "Well, I just… I thought…." Steve stutters. Billy sighs.

 "Out with it. Why did you actually call?" Billy asks, softly. Neil doesn't get mad at the soft voice, because he hates being disrupted, he prefers Billy silent or whispering.

 "Uh, Jonathan, Nancy and I are all going to drive over to Roan tomorrow and go to their movie theater and then grab pizza. Do... Do you want to come?" Billy blinks. Blinks again. And still can't believe what he heard.

 "Like a date?" He whispers, and worries Steve doesn't hear him.

 "No, God no. Ha-ha, I just don't want to third wheel with them. And we are friends, right? So, I thought we could spend some time together outside of basketball or class. Sorry, this was stupid. Sorry." Steve whispers.

 "No… uh… I'll come." Billy says.

 "Really?!"

 "Yes. But I really have to go now." Billy says, and then hangs up. He takes a deep breath and goes into his room, and waits a few minutes.

 He takes another deep breath and goes out to grab a glass of water from the kitchen. He stops in the living room. Neil and Susan are glaring at each other, Susan looking tired.

 "Excuse me." He says. Susan immediately straightens and turns to look at him, smiling. Neil scowls, and glares at him.

 "Uh, I have a date tomorrow, is it ok if I go?" He asks. Susan grins.

 "Of course, Billy, tomorrow's Friday, go have fun. I'll pick Max up from school" She says.

 "Who's the date with?" Neil demands.

 "Heather Holloway, we are going to go bowling and then to dinner after school. And then maybe to her parents’ house, they want me to come to game night." Billy lies smoothly. Heather is cool and if he tells her tomorrow, she'll cover for him.

 "Curfew is at 11." Is all Neil says. Billy nods and then goes to his room and quietly shuts the door, wincing when the argument in the living room picks up again.

 The note is still sitting on his bed. He sits down and unfolds it, smiling a little.

 Bills,

 I am currently third wheeling with my friends right now. We are at my place, watching a movie. They are curled together under a blanket (don't be gross nothing is happening aside from cuddles). But they look so content, I think she's gonna fall asleep on him. I wish you were here.

 I wish we were curled under a blanket. I want your head on my chest, I want to comb my fingers through your curls. Are they as soft as they look? I'm sure they are.

 I want to hear your sarcastic comments, I want to hear what you'd say to this movie. I want to lean down and kiss you the way my friends just did. I want to hold you close, and just enjoy being with you.

 I want to tuck my nose in your curls and just breathe you in. I want to hold you, and ease the tension I can see in your shoulders, and the hurt behind your eyes. I hate that you hurt. I hate that someone makes you ache like that. You should never hurt. Never.

 I have a confession. I saw you get one of these letters. I won't say which one. But I saw you get one, and the way you smiled at it. The way you read it, with such reverence. I've never seen your walls come down like that. I've never seen you look like that until you were reading my note, reading my words.

 And Bills, it filled me with such an ache, an ache to see you smile like that, actually at me, not at my notes. I want you to smile like that while looking in my eyes.

 I want to say sweet things to you, to your face. I can just picture it.

 Lying in bed with you, after we are together you know? Whispering sweet things, telling you nice wonderful things that you should hear all the time, and watching you smile like that. But this time, it’s all for me and only me. I want to be the only one who gets the real you, baby. I want the real you, and I want to hold you, always.

 I just want to love you, so so bad. I mean actually love you, not this pining bullshit.

Love,

The Secret Admirer who makes you smile like that

 Billy cries over the note, pressing it to his heart and letting the ache of longing both his own, and the one contained on the page, wash over him. He’s a little embarrassed at the tears, but the words resonate with him.

  1.       The fifth letter he finds right before hanging out with Steve.

  Heather is the best, and readily agrees to cover for him, without even asking why.

Billy is distracted all day thinking about the plans with Steve after school. He can hardly focus, and smokes nearly his whole pack of cigarettes he's so nervous.

 When school finally ends, he takes a fortifying breath and treks to the parking lot. Jonathan, Nancy and Steve are leaning against Steve's Beemer, and Billy nods at them, before dumping some books in his car. He dawdled enough that Susan has already come and gone with Max, so there are no worries she will see him.

 There's another note sitting on the windshield under the wiper again. He grabs it and then walks toward the others.

 "This is weird right?" Billy says when he walks up.

 "No. Steve wanted to invite you so you're coming. It's not weird. You know all the same shit we do, it's about time we all hung out." Nancy says. She means the upside down, which Billy found out about after beating Steve up. Max gave him only enough sedative to knock him out for maybe an hour. He woke up and found the thing in the freezer, and stuck around needing to know what the hell was going on. Max told him. And that was that.

 "Weird logic there Wheeler, but alright." He says.

 "Jon and Nance are gonna take their car, you ok to ride with me?" Steve asks. Billy shrugs.

 "Great, none of us have big enough cars to fit everyone comfortably. Steve, you'll follow us?" Nancy says. Steve nods and the other two head across the parking lot to their car. Billy climbs into Steve's car and shifts around nervously.

 "What's that?" Steve asks, following Jonathan’s car out of the lot. He means the note clutched in Billy's fist.

 "Nothing." Billy says, and pockets the note. Steve shrugs and they drive on in silence.

 "Do you know what you're doing for the summer?" Steve asks. Billy shrugs.

 "I might try and lifeguard. I've got a certification from Cali that still works here, so I think I can get hired." Billy mutters. "You?"

 "Don't know. Work probably. Go up to the lake with Robin probably." Steve says.

 "Robin? That your new girlfriend?" Billy asks.

 Steve laughs, "No. She's just a good friend of mine." Steve says. Billy nods.

 They lapse into silence. It's only about a 30-minute drive between Hawkins and Roan, and Billy sees a couple cars on the highway around them from Hawkins High. It's a popular Friday night destination apparently. Billy can't stop thinking about the note in his pocket. He can't decide what he wants.

 On the one hand, existing in an enclosed space near Steve is intoxicating, and he doesn't want to miss it. On the other, the notes from this secret admirer have meant so much to him, and he can't believe he's only gotten five in total. They've started taking up that much space in his life. He also doesn't want Steve to know, to see how much Billy needs this note, even though Steve sort of already saw the other day, this feels different.

 "Sorry." Steve says. "I'm sorry this is awkward."

 "You apologize too much pretty boy. Are you that afraid of me?" Billy asks.

 "No, I'm not afraid of you! Why would you say that?!" Steve says.

 "You apologize like you think I'm gonna beat you up again or something. I swear, I'm not. I don’t know why you don’t believe me." Billy mumbles.

 "No, I believe you! I don't think about that anymore. It's just a bad habit. My parents act like I can never do anything right, and they expect an apology for everything, just a habit. Sorry." Steve says, and then blushes a little.

 "Oh. Well you don't have to apologize to me, ok? I'm not mad at you, ever. Except when you missed that shot yesterday." Billy teases.

"Ok, first of all fuck you! Second of all, that was not my fault!" Steve shrieks.

 "Oh really?!" Billy says. Steve huffs indignantly and launches into a tirade on why the missed shot in yesterday's practice was not his fault. Billy argues back good naturedly and the car ride passes quickly.

 They pull up to a spot next to Jonathan and Nancy at the theater and argue for a few more minutes before Steve huffs and leaves the car. Billy grins and follows.

 "What were you two arguing about?" Nancy asks, looking concerned.

 "Basketball." They say at the same time and then grin at each other.

 They catch some horror movie that Billy has never heard of, and Steve buys some popcorn for the two of them to share.

 It feels like a date.

 It feels like a date when Steve sits next to Nancy and yanks Billy into the seat next to him. It feels like a date when Steve parks the popcorn bucket in Billy's lap, and then grabs fistfuls of it. It feels like a date when a jump scare has the whole theater jumping and with a gentle gasp, Steve grabs Billy's arm. It feels like a date when someone is getting mauled on screen and Steve turns toward Billy and kinda curls toward him. It feels like a date when Steve hides his face in Billy's shoulder while the villain is creeping through the creepy house.

"Is it over?" Steve whispers. Billy turns his head and leans into that fluffy hair.

 "Not yet pretty boy, give it a second." He murmurs back.

 It feels like a date when Steve nods, and sighs a little against Billy.

 Billy can hardly focus on the movie, so much so that he has no idea what little plot there is, and he isn't jumping and gasping with everyone else. He's so attuned to the boy beside him. To Steve's grip on his arm, that hurts, but not in a bad way, to Steve’s head on his shoulder, and his gentle breathes on Billy’s arm. Steve turns his head a little and peaks at the screen when the ominous music stops.

 "Jesus fuck!" Steve whispers when the masked villain is suddenly popping on screen. Billy laughs a little.

 Steve doesn't move his head from Billy's shoulder the whole movie, his grip on Billy's forearm never changing.

 After the movie ends, the villain apprehended, the perky blonde and the jock alive and well, the four of them leave. Steve just simply let’s go of Billy and gets up following Nancy and Jonathan out into the now dark parking lot. Nancy and Steve talking about the finer points of the movie, debating things as they go. Jonathan watches on, and Billy just gapes at them.

 "Don't you think Billy?" Nancy calls suddenly. Billy had paused to shake a cigarette out of the pack he keeps in his jean jacket, and lights up.

 "Do I think what?" Billy mumbles around the cigarette.

 Nancy launches into some long-winded explanation about the movie, and then looks expectantly at him.

 "Damn, Wheeler. I really wasn't paying that much attention." Billy mumbles, taking a long pull of his cigarette.

 "Ugh." She huffs and then turns to Steve who apparently agrees.

 "They do this often?" Billy asks Jonathan, who is standing by him.

 "Yeah every time we got to the movies." Jonathan says, and shrugs a little. "Can I bum a smoke?" He asks. Billy raises an eyebrow.

 "You smoke?" Billy says, but he digs out his pack and lighter.

 "Only sometimes. Thanks." Jonathan says and lights up. Billy nods, does the same, and leans against the Beemer with Jon while Nancy and Steve argue. Billy and Jon smoke in silence, just watching.

 "Nance, babe, I'm hungry." Jonathan says, flicking his cigarette butt away a while later. Billy chuckles.

"Oh, right! Sorry! Pizza!" She says. Steve grins and they pile back into the cars.

 "Sorry, Nancy and I can really get going." Steve says, as he starts the car. Billy laughs a little.

 "I don't mind. Quit apologizing." Billy teases.

"Alright. Thanks for coming." Steve says, merging into traffic.

 "You just invited me for my muscles during the scary parts of the movies." Billy teases. He really is just teasing but Steve blushes a little.

 "No, I invited you because I want to be friends, like actual friends, and I'm sick of always just hanging out with Nance and Jon, that's a little much sometimes." Steve mutters.

 "Wow, you've fought monsters that shouldn't exist but third wheeling with your ex and her boyfriend is too much?" Billy teases. Steve laughs.

 "Exactly." Steve says, and Billy chuckles.

The pizza place is packed in the way that the best restaurant in small towns always are. They squeeze into a booth in the corner, Nancy and Jonathan on one side, Steve and Billy on the other.

They order cokes and the greasiest pizza Billy has ever seen. But it's delicious, and they talk and laugh all through the meal.

 Billy doesn't feel like an outsider like he kind of expected to, Nancy cracks up at his story about the time his math teacher had nearly quit after their last test because everyone but Billy had gotten it all wrong. (Billy omits that part; nobody expects him to be as smart as he is and he hates explaining.)

It’s nice. Billy's not sure he's ever hung out like this, he has friends of course, and he had a huge group of people he hung out with back in California. But nothing like this, nothing without pressure, and it's really nice.

 Jonathan and Steve get up, mumbling something about the best cheesecake ever. Nancy yawns and watches some of the other people in the restaurant. There’s a lull, so Billy pulls the note out of his pocket, and unfolds it. Nancy pillows her head in her hands and ignores him. It's not rude, they are just a little tired, she apparently was up all night last night studying for an exam this morning.

 Bills,

 I hope you don't mind that nickname by the way. You've got a nickname for me, and I felt like I should have one for you.

 Anyway, I hope you don't think I'm creepy. All of these letters I feel like I've said how I've watched you without you being aware of it. It's not meant to be creepy, I just like looking at you. Partly because you're just so gorgeous, I can't believe it. I love it, you have such good hair, and all those muscles, and don't get me started on your eyes.

 But I also just feel better when I look at you. My stress and my worry feel better when I see you.

And this morning, I watched you laugh with Max. You two got here early and you were helping her on her skateboard, before too many other people showed up. I couldn't sleep again and got to school early too.

 You don't want anyone to know, but you're actually an amazing brother. Don't worry, I won't tell. It just makes you better, baby. You really care about her, I can tell and I bet she feels the same. I can't say too much, because if I say more on this next sentence, I worry it will give away too much. But, watching the two of you, made me think you'd fit in my life pretty damn great.

 I can't say more, I'm sorry baby. I really want you to know who I am, but I'm afraid you'll hate me if you find out.

 I just want you to be with me and my friends. Have you ever felt like that Bills? Like you've stared at someone and wanted to have them over for game night with all of the other most important people in your life? You'd fit in with them I think, and I'd certainly have more fun with you there. At game night at my house I bet we could cuddle on the couch while everyone played. Wouldn't that be nice? I really just want to always be touching you, regardless of what we're doing. Not in a dirty way (not always at least), but in a we love each other kind of way. Does that make sense?

 I just want to love you Billy Hargrove. I want to know everything about you, and I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you, hug you, have sex with you. I want to cuddle you, cause even tough guys like you need to be held, and I want to treat you right.

 I'd be so good for you, I'm not even trying to be cocky. We would be great together, and I can't ever tell you because I don't think you'd ever look at me the way I want. This is better. And Hawkins is a backwards small town, so it's just better this way.

 Love,

Someone who really hopes they're your only secret admirer.

 It's the longest letter he's gotten. And it doesn't make him ache any less than the other have, but it makes him smile too.

 "Note from someone special?" Nancy asks. Billy jolts and gently folds it back up. "Don't worry, I didn't read it. But your face reading it tells me that it's someone special." She mutters.

 "Who's special?" Steve asks, sitting down and sliding a piece of cheesecake at Billy.

 "Billy's got a note from someone special." Nancy says, sitting up so Jonathan can scoot her own piece toward her. A strange look flashes across Steve's face. "Oh? Who is it?" Steve asks.

 "I don't know. It's from a secret admirer." Billy mutters.

 "Wow. That's so sweet. Who do you think it is?" Nancy asks.

 "I don't know. I haven't gotten very many of the letters." He says, still not quite believing this is only his fifth.

 "The handwriting looked familiar, if you want me to look at it I can and see who I think it is." Nancy offers. Steve's fork goes clattering to the ground, and he chokes on the cheesecake.

 "No, that's ok. There is some really personal stuff in these letters, I don't want them to feel uncomfortable, whoever they are." Billy says. Nancy shrugs and moves on. Steve stays quiet.

 They settle the bill and head out to the cars. Nancy and Jon are going to go hit the record store, so Steve and Billy head back alone. It’s quiet for a while.

 "You really have no idea what girl is writing you the notes?" Steve asks a few minutes later. Billy glances at him in the dark.

 "Uh no, but I don't think it's a girl." Billy mutters.

 "Really? You don't sound mad…" Steve hedges. Billy shoots him another look.

 "Well, no. Why would I be mad?"

 "Because it's a guy writing you love letters? Right? If it’s not a girl than it’s a guy." Steve mumbles.

 "I'd rather it be a guy than a girl." Billy says, confused. Max is many things, but she can't keep her mouth shut, and she's with Steve a lot. She must have told her friends about Billy. She’s known for years he’s gay.

 "What?" Steve says.

 "Harrington, come on. Catch on already, damn." Billy mutters. It takes Steve a beat.

 "Oh… oh. I thought Max was lying."

 "I knew she told you." Billy sighs. "Look, I'm not ashamed, but the person writing me is, so please don't tell anyone."

 "I'm not gonna, don't worry. I wouldn’t do that.” He pauses for a minute. “You don't even know who's writing you, why are you protecting them?" Steve asks.

 "Because they are putting themselves out there, and their words have meant a lot to me. I get that they can't be out, and I've been outed before, it's not anything I would want for them." Billy mutters. Steve appears to mull that over for a little while.

 "You're a better person than you let on." Steve finally says.

 "Tell anyone and you're dead." Billy snarks back. Steve laughs, and the tension in the car finally breaks.

 They talk about the kids, and their annoying teachers for the rest of the drive. When Steve drops Billy off at the Camaro, there’s a weird almost hesitation, where Steve kind of leans toward Billy, and Billy sort of leans in, and then Steve loudly says, "Have a good weekend!!" And all but plasters himself against his door. Billy nods and climbs out of the car.

 When he gets home, Susan is sitting on the couch smoking.

 “Susan?” Billy says, surprised that she’s still up. It’s not late exactly, but she and Neil go to bed at 10 most nights.

 “Billy. Sit for a minute, would you?” She asks. Billy frowns and glances around for Neil, but he’s nowhere around.

 “Everything ok?” Billy asks.

 “Yes. I kicked you father out.” Susan says, and takes a long pull off her cigarette. Billy blinks at her in stunned silence. “I couldn’t take the way he talked to you, and to Max and to me. I’m done with him. You don’t have to stay here, but I’m not going to kick you out.”

 “Wow.” Billy breathes. Susan offers him a small smile.

 “I’m sorry, you’ve had so much upheaval in your life, but you don’t have to leave and go with him. No matter what he says. You can stay here, Max adores you and I know I’m not your mom but…” Susan trails off, and blows out a long breath.

 “I’ll stay. I don’t want to go anywhere with that asshole.” Billy says, and Susan grins. She sends him off to his room, and sits in the living room, smoking for a long time.  

 He rereads all the letters before he falls asleep that night and then thinks about the way Steve had grabbed his arm in the movie, and how close he had sat. For the first time in a long time, Billy goes to sleep with a grin on his face.

  +1.     They all start hanging out after that. Nancy catches his arm in the hall way at lunch on Monday and tows him to their lunch table, where she all but shoves him into a chair. She demands he read over her lit essay because Steve and Jonathan are useless. Billy feels a little shell shocked, but he reads her essay, offers her some notes and then ends up eating with them. After that, one of them always seems to find him at lunch to drag him with them, and eventually he stops fighting it. He even tells them about his dad leaving, and they all seem happy for him.

  There’s the added bonus of Steve always looking thrilled to see him so he just rolls with it.

 Tommy and Carol look offended, but eventually they get over it, he still goes to parties with them so they relax.

 The letters mysteriously stop, and for three weeks he doesn't get another one. Billy tries not to be disappointed, but it's hard.

 "You look serious today Billy." Steve comments as he slides into his spot at the lunch table. Billy glances away from where he was watching the rest of the cafeteria, wondering if his secret admirer is out there somewhere.

 "Yeah, just thinking." Billy mutters.

 "You ok?" Steve asks. Billy nods, and goes back to people watching.

 "Looking for someone?" Steve asks, poking at his mashed potatoes.

"You ask a lot of questions." Billy teases.

"Just curious." Steve shrugs.

 "My secret admirer hasn't written in a while, if you're gonna be nosy." Billy says, and rolls his eyes, turning to pull his math homework out when he sees Jonathan and Nancy leave the lunch line. He and Jonathan have the same math teacher, but at different periods, so they compare homework a lot.

"Oh. You sound bummed." Steve points out.

 "I am. I liked the letters. Made me feel… I don't know. Important, I guess? Forget it. It's stupid." Billy glances at Steve. "Quit grinning like an idiot Harrington, I can be honest sometimes." Billy snaps.

 Steve just keeps grinning. Billy rolls his eyes, but the shame and embarrassment he was expecting over being that open and honest doesn't come. He and Steve are good friends now, same with Jonathan and Nancy.

 He even got stoned with Jon at a party last week, which had been weird but good.

 It's weird having friends like this. He's not sure he minds though, he likes them, even if he'll never admit it.

 He and Jonathan work on their homework through lunch, and Steve and Nancy talk about some annoying thing Mike and Dustin did.

 Jonathan joins in with a story about Will, and Billy finds himself contributing with stories about Max.

After lunch, they all disperse to class. Billy goes to math and finds that he and Jonathan did all their homework right.

He and Steve nod at each other as they pass in the hall between classes and he watches as Steve goes up to Robin Buckley and starts chatting with her, handing her something that makes her laugh at him and makes him blush. Billy frowns, wondering why. The rest of his classes pass quickly, and when he gets to the last one, he's surprised to find a note on his desk.

 He tries not to appear too eager, but he unfolds it quickly.

 Bills,

 I saw you looking at lunch today. I was sitting off to the side of where you were looking, so I got to see your profile. You're beautiful. It takes my breath away sometimes. Looking at you, sitting by those big windows, you looked so good. Have you done something different with your curls? They looked great today, so soft. And your eyes, you looked at me for just a second before you looked away, and I swear I drowned in your eyes. The light hit them just right, thank god it was sunny today, and they kind of sparkled. I could stare at them all the time.

 I just realized today, when you looked at me, that you have freckles. FRECKLES Billy are you kidding me? How the hell is a man supposed to function with you looking like that?! I bet they are even darker in the summer time. I don't know how I've lived not knowing you had freckles, I'm in love with them. I want to kiss every one, I want to count them, I want to memorize them.

 And then to find that these letters make you feel important?! Baby, you're killing me today. I'm sorry I didn't write recently, I've been kinda distracted. I'll write you thousands of letters though, because you deserve to feel important. And it's not stupid to feel that way, you deserve to be fucking cherished baby. And I intend to do that, even if it's in the form of letters, and even if you never know who I am, I'm gonna fucking cherish you Billy Hargrove.

 You and those damn freckles. Jesus Christ. They kill me. You kill me, but what a wonderful way to go, death by a beautiful boy and his god damn freckles. Holy shit.

 I can't even focus on class, I keep thinking about your damn eyes, and hair, and fucking freckles. Who knew, freckles would kill me so much.

 Love,

The best secret admirer there ever was

 Billy has to read the letter four times, because he can't believe it. He was only sitting close enough to one person to see his freckles, they fade to barely there in the winter, you have to catch him in the right light and be close to see them. And only one person was. He also sits in a quieter corner of the lunchroom, and no one else was near enough to hear what he said about the letters, except of course the person he said them to.

 Billy can't believe it, and happiness bubbles in his chest. He tries to tamp it down, it could not be who he wants, and Billy is never this lucky. He's never lucky to have his crush actually be the one crushing on him, is he?

 He can't ignore it though. Unless Steve told someone what he said, but that's not how the letters read. They read exactly like someone who stared at him from across the table all through lunch and then ran to their next class and scribbled down the note. And that screams Steve Harrington.

 It's got to be him.

 Then there's the other clue: Robin Buckley sitting next to him, sneaking looks at Billy, while managing to look bored to tears.

 Suddenly what Billy saw Steve give her makes a lot more sense.

 "Buckley." Billy leans over and hisses.

 "What?" She snaps, eyeing the clock pointedly. Class ends in five minutes, but Billy can't wait that long.

 "What does Steve have after school today?" Billy demands. They start packing up their stuff and Robin shoots him a look.

 "What's it to you?" She demands. Billy holds up the note and raises an eyebrow. Robin sighs in relief.

 "Thank god you figured it out. Fucking finally. I'm sick of his pining. Be nice when you reject him ok? He's got nothing after school, he'll be at home." Robin says. The bell rings and Billy fly out of his seat.

 "Who says I'm rejecting him?" Billy says, and then books it to his car. Steve is already gone, but that's fine.

 "Max!" Billy yells, when he sees her fiery hair. She comes running up.

 "Can you get a ride now? Or skate home? I have to do something." Billy says. Max raises an eyebrow.

 "Yeah? I'm going to Will's for DnD remember, you're picking me up before dinner?" Max says, and Billy laughs a little.

 "Right, right ok. Great. I found out who's writing me the letters." Billy says. Max grins.

 "Really? Who?!" She demands.

 "It's Steve. I have to go, but I'll be at the Byers in time." He says. Max laughs and nods, before running back to her friends. Billy practically leaps into his car and takes off toward Loch Nora.

 He roars up to Steve's house and throws the car in park so fast it actually jolts.

 "Sorry baby!" Billy tells the car, and then he's running up to Steve's front door. He pounds on it, heart in his throat.

 "What the hell do you want…Billy?" Steve says, looking confused. He takes in Billy's panting, his probably wild eyes and he pales a little, instantly looking around. "Are you ok? What's going on? Are you hurt?" Steve asks. Billy smiles fondly.

 "Can I come in?" He asks. Steve nods, standing aside.

 "Of course. Are you ok? Billy?" He asks, following Billy into the living room. Billy turns and just looks at Steve. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out the letter.

 "Is it you?" Billy asks. Steve pales even further, and then goes beet red from the neck of his polo to his hairline.

 "Fuck." He mutters.

 "Oh my god. It is you." Billy breathes, elation swelling in his chest. It's Steve, he apparently can be that lucky.

 "Ok, before you yell at me, you were never supposed to find out. I started writing letters to you and Robin said I should send them because if I left it anonymous and you never caught me delivering them, I could like work through my pining. So, I did, and then you liked them, and I kept sending them, but I never planned to tell you, because I didn't think you'd want it to be me you know?" Steve flails his arms, and starts pacing a little, the words leaving him in a rush.

 "And like I totally meant all of it, every word, but I get that it's weird, and you said you're gay but it's probably different now that it's me, and like some guys don't like to be with people who are bi, which I totally get. You weren’t supposed to find out, I'm not sure how you did, but you're like super smart so I guess I should have seen this coming. And then we started getting closer you know? And then it was kinda too late, and I don't know how to work with this. I'm talking so much, Jesus Christ." Steve says, and pushes his hands into his hair. Billy cracks up then, full on belly laughs.

 "Why are you laughing?" Steve asks, looking adorably confused. Billy walks over to him, and grins.

 "First, I'm not gonna yell." Billy says.

 "You aren't? Because you totally can, I was being creepy, and I broke into your gym locker., and-" Steve starts again. Billy chuckles.

 "Easy pretty boy. I'm not mad. I'm not gonna yell at you. And I found out because your last letter was super obvious it was you. No one else was around when I told you the letters made me feel important, and no one was sitting close enough to see my freckles. Are they that distracting that you forgot to hide who you are?" Billy teases. Steve flushes again, and glances at Billy's nose before looking at his feet.

 "I never noticed them before. Fucking freckles and I ruin everything. They are too cute, just lil freckles. Fuckin rude." Steve mutters, like he doesn't want Billy to hear. Billy laughs.

 "Stevie, look at me." Billy whispers, and Steve does, though probably because Billy has never called him Stevie before.

 "I'm sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you. I can't imagine you wanted it to be me." Steve whispers, looking sad.

 "Pretty boy, the only way I would have been sad is if it wasn't you writing me." Billy says, and loves that he's close enough to see the words sink in. Steve's eyes widen, and his jaw drops.

 "You… you wanted it to be me?" Steve whispers. Billy steps closer, until their chests almost brush as they breathe.

 "Yeah, Stevie, I did." Billy says, and reaches up to brush some hair away from Steve's face.

 "Wait. If you wanted it to be me, and you aren't mad then that means…." Steve trails off, and Billy smiles at him. "Holy shit, you like me back?!" Steve says, too loud for how close they are standing, but Billy doesn't mind.

 "Yep." Billy says.

 "Holy shit. Can I kiss you?" Steve whispers. Billy grins, and wraps his arms around Steve's neck pulling him in. It's a gentle kiss at first, that quickly deepens. Steve tentatively works his hand into Billy's curls, and at Billy's hum of agreement, grips them tight. Billy licks into Steve's mouth eagerly when Steve opens his lips a little, Billy's arms griping Steve tight to keep him close.

 "Wow." Steve says, pulling back to pant against Billy's lips. Billy chuckles, low and wrecked.

 "I love you too, pretty boy. I've reread all of your letters so many times." Billy whispers, and Steve pulls him close, burying his face in Billy's neck.

 "I can't believe this is happening." Steve says. Billy laughs.

 "Me neither. I was hoping it was you, every time I read one. Remember the one saying you liked being a mystery so I could picture whoever I wanted writing me?" Steve nods against his neck. "I always pictured you. And I don’t care that you’re bi, just as long as you like me." Steve makes a small whining noise at that and pulls Billy closer. Billy smiles, and breathes in Steve's scent. Sweet and spicy and uniquely Steve, and Billy adores it.

 "I believe I was promised cuddles and sweet things whispered in my ear." Billy mutters. Steve laughs, and pulls back to brush his fingers through Billy's hair.

 "Tell me something first." Steve whispers.

 "What's up Stevie?" Billy asks.

"You're really glad it's me? You're not disappointed?" Steve asks, and Billy can see in those earnest brown eyes how worried he actually is.

 Billy yanks him in for another kiss, and pushes his hands into Steve's hair. Steve responds eagerly and tightens his grip on Billy.

 "Yes, baby, I'm very glad it's you. I love you Steve Harrington, just try getting rid of me now." Billy teases. "I need some cherishing." He means it as a joke, but Steve's eyes soften and go a little liquid.

 "Hell yeah you do, and I intend to do a damn good job. I love you too." Steve whispers. Billy grins up at him.

 Steve tugs them upstairs, they tug off their shoes and curl up on the bed. Steve pulls Billy into his arms, and dots kisses over his freckles.

 "Steve Harrington, done in and giving up the secret by a couple freckles." Billy murmurs softly. Steve laughs.

 "Steve Harrington done in by Billy Hargrove, who apparently has freckles." Steve corrects. Billy laughs, and snuggles closer.

 "You still have to write me letters." Billy huffs. Steve laughs and catches Billy in another kiss.

 "I can do that." Steve says, and Billy sighs happily. He falls asleep in Steve's arms, while Steve holds him and counts his freckles.

[notthecanadianaverage]

All 65 ho! 😤

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

I mean I guess kind of sometimes? As someone with ADHD, object permanence is a big thing so if I don't see you, you aren't real xD

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Um, it varies, actually. Generally speaking, I'm not afraid. But sometimes I have lots of nightmares and the darkness is awful and I will deadass sleep with the light on. Also while I'm not afraid, if I hear sounds, I am terrified xD

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Jason Mamoa. He seems like a fine person but something about his appearance triggers my fight or flight.

4. What is your favorite word?

Hippopomonstrosesquipedaliophobia

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

I think maybe either a birch or a weeping willow?

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

That's not yellow

7. What shirt are you wearing?

I'm wearing a green Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time shirt that my sister got for me a few years ago at Fan Expo.

8. What do you label yourself as?

Panromantic asexual. Gender identity wise, demigirl. I recently learned what omnisexual is and I'm curious, but I don't want to come out again so panromantic it is xD

9. Bright room or dark room?

Bright! Lots of sunlight for plants and reading!

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

I was being trained at work

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

I think 18, just because mentally I'm still there.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My boyfriend :3 I miss him.

13. Your worst enemy?

Dickface. He called me his step daughter once and I almost fucking lost it in that Tim Hortons. I had to fight so hard not to say anything. I was also fighting some pretty rough food poisoning that week so I was not in the mood to argue xD

14. What is your current desktop picture?

On my computer? I think it's a rat xD it's either me with Cortana on my shoulder or Willow peeking through some bars, I can't remember.

15. Do you like someone?

I like my boyfriend. A lot. I mean I hope I do since we have been dating for 6 years xD but I also have a celebrity squish. Patrick Dempsey. Motherfucker. Yes. That smile. Those EYES.

16. The last song you listened to?

https://youtu.be/0Eh4b0Ge-sM

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

That power hungry cheeto. But only if I wouldn't get caught.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Dickface. He is a child abuser and just a shitty person all around. I called him a stupid idiot on my birthday and lost my fucking mind because I didn't actually mean to and he looked PISSED.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

I don't know who, but I would make them cuddle because I am touched starved and need a fucking hug xD

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

I'm doing this all in my phones notes so I can't add a picture, but I love my tattoos and piercings! I have both nostrils pierced, my septum and snakebites. Tattoo wise, I have the Triforce of Courage on my left hand, a small blue hard on my right thumb, a beautiful memorial rat tattoo on my left leg, Midna's Fused Shadow on my left arm and Expecto Patronum on my right wrist. I. Need. More.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

Not gonna lie, I'd probably jerk off xD

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

If I shared it, it wouldn't be a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

I... don't know

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

I would stick with my normal Subway order: lettuce, tomato, red onions, LOTS OF PICKLES, cheese, black forest ham, mayo and salt and pepper.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Not gonna lie, I would probably get some Subway and maybe some candle making supplies.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

California. I miss my boyfriend. Let's go.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Joke's on you, I don't really drink alcohol! I would instead request all the apple juice :')

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Pet rats for everyone!!!!

29. What is your favorite expletive?

I enjoy cunt :3

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My little stuffed lion. I would also grab my teddy bear seeing as they are always together.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (Tw rape for this question)

I mean... all of these experiences have made me who I am. But if i can erase one experience without changing who I am, it would be nice to not have been raped.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

I would say Indonesia because volcanoes! But I am also very gay and I don't believe that is a gay friendly country... so... maybe Japan? All of this assuming that the boyfriend is with me. If not, then California.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

My grandpa. I really miss him... I want him to see how far I've come and I want to spend more time with him.

34. What was your last dream about?

I have been having a weird amount of sex dreams lately...

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Rat mom? I like to think so! Shameless plug, but I have a blog here called @ratpotatoez where you can see my beautiful chonks. I'm also on Facebook and YouTube.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

I mean yes? But not for like an overnight stay.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

Yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

Fuck socks

39. What type of music do you like?

Depends on my mood. I love heavier, alternative rock but my heart will forever belong to Simple Plan.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I think they're both really lovely!

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Vanilla

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I don't like football. The only sport I watch is hockey.

43. Do you have any scars?

I am covered in self harm scars (I'm working on covering them up with tattoos). I don't really have any scars with cool stories. I had one that went down my arm but somehow it healed??? Someone in gym class accidentally took a chunk out of my arm with their finger nail and I had a hole in my arm for the longest time!!! I also have a scar on my knee from when I was really young, maybe 3 or 4. I was balancing on some bricks in someone's garden and I lost my balance, fell, and hit my knee on the brick. I remember there being blood running all down my leg as I screamed and cried. So that was fun.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I don't know. I do know, though, that I want to go to culinary school. I also want to go to school for creative writing.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My weight. I gained 100+lbs when I went off my anti-depressants and I swelled up like a balloon. I've felt like shit about myself ever since.

46. Are you reliable?

I sure as shit hope so!

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Was it worth it...?

48. Do you hold grudges?

I try not to, but I think I do ._.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

PIGEON RAT

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

"I just really want to punch this horse in the face, okay?"

51. Are you a good liar?

I think so, yes. Trauma does that to you.

52. How long could you go without talking?

When I get super super drained, I go mute. I can stop talking for days at a time.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

I once left the hair dressers with essentially what was a fucking bowl cut. Yea, I wasn't thrilled. I refused to remove my hat.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

Yes. At 3AM. Because fuck a healthy sleep schedule.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

I can do an okay British accent and an okay Indian accent.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter. Just butter.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

Um... I don't remember the last time I drew. Actually, that's a lie. I tried drawing a "small town doctor" while playing Drawful. I drew a very tiny doctor with a city skyline behind him.

58. What would be you dream car?

Literally anything with the popup headlights.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I talk to myself in the shower. Granted, I do that everywhere xD it's the only way I can work through my thoughts. I also cry in the shower a lot.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

Yes. We can't be the only ones here.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

I don't really have a favourite. But I do like D. Mostly because it's the first letter of my boyfriends name, but also it reminds me of a woman I helped while working in tech support. She needed help figuring out her gif keyboard so I helped and she was so excited when I told her how to search for gifs. She then started giggling like a little girl saying she wondered what might happen if she searched for DICK. She made my day xD I think about her a lot. I hope she's doing well.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Don't do this to me...

Dragons are obviously amazing but haVE YOU EVER SEEN A DINOSAUR?!?!? LIKE THOSE THINGS ARE REAL. THEY WERE ALIVE. THEY FUCKING RULED THE EARTH. HAVE YOU SEEN A STEGOSAURUS?!?!?!?!?

64. What do you think about babies?

I like babies a lot. Like so much. I have super colourful hair, too, so they seem fascinated with me :') but their little chubby cheeks omg

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

Fun fact: I actually really like the smell of wet dog. It's kind of a really comforting smell.

[goodhypnoboi]

Side note: your gender or sexuality doesn’t indicate if you’re an abuser, but this is based on observed patterns.

The amount of cishet dudes in hypnosis that are fucking abusive, use abusive patterns or just want to control women are astounding. Like, you’ll read their bio on what they’re like or talk to them and they’ll be like, “2? Straight Male, hypnotist, msg me for more” and turn around and post something that’s obviously bad hypno-etiquette or do shitty horrible things and like, yeah, I can see why with how obvious some of the content they interact with are.

And this is coming from long time interacting in the community. I mean, I got into it a lot younger than I should have, and my only saving grace is a tist who decided to give me some protective triggers and help so I wouldn’t be taken advantage of during it. Even when I came back, finding tists to trance me, I’d be like, “trans male/trans dude” and some fuck would be like, “oh yeah let’s trance the person to be a woman” because he was straight.

And see, people who were hypnotists only we’re usually awful. People who were verses actually ended up being great conversationalists. And hell when I started getting my only 4 limitations- which is just based on what bothers me, I still found Bi/Gay tists and verses to be wonderful and actually respect it.

Then straight dude in their twenties, yeah I wasn’t impressed by the fact one of them tried to get me to send pictures and nudes in trance. The tist on being caught tried to drop me down into trance more and more in an attempt to get me to comply, and boy that wasn’t fun.

The reason I bring this up is because, “not all tists” and no, not all of them. I’ve met wonderful tists. But I didn’t want to limit to my own experiences.

I HAVE never met a horribly gay/bi/trans tist, doesn’t mean someone out there isn’t abusive. I’ve never met a horribly abusive female tist- I think I’ve met three actually so go me- but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Tists are horrible, but it’s not all of them, there’s just too many in the community and it’s a rampant problem. There are actual pedophiles as well in the community, and that’s a huge issue.

I give a generalization because if out of 100 tists I’ve met, 70+ ignored boundaries and shit, while others proudly spouted they’d be abusive, then haha, yeah I’m going to generalize to tists.

Tists are assholes, doesn’t mean them all. But holy fuck did my post get derailed more than three times.

This isn’t an informative post, this is a post on my trauma and what I observed. Added onto that, most of the reasons I made that fucking post was because someone legitimately decided he was going to be abusive in his hypnosis script and not warn people or discuss it, making him actually abusive.

Noting several posts on community predators. Like I’m sooooo sorry to the fucking insecure subs and doms who think I’m wrong, but there shouldn’t be a huge amount of abusers heralded as great people and followed by huge swathes of people.

Consent in this community is a mess, fucking derailing a post meant to help subs out so they can keep their consent is not only horrible, it misses the point.

Fucking context says, that the tists I’m talking about, are horrible and abusive and fuck

I SHOULDNT HAVE TO GIVE ADVICE THAT SAYS “WRITE DOWN YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION IN CASE SOMEONE TRIES TO FUCKING MAKE YOU FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF”

I’m absolutely still livid on this fact and glad for the people who actually fucking understood the purpose of the post.

Like I’m sorry you were offended, let me amend that.

Don’t fucking get your panties in a twist over me being upset fucking horrible people exist. The fact people have horror stories from tists that were abusive, predatory or generally god awful. The fact there’s consent issues and manipulation in a community meant of trust, is awful.

Fuck, there’s a subset community that’s very popular that’s just “covert hypnotism”- not the kink but rather an actual grouping- that legit doesn’t understand no means no. In fact the mods of that community will be like, “well you agreed to it by joining us” and if that’s not fucking god awful.

Let’s also take a moment and understand, I’ve seen more female subs then male subs, but you’ll have a slew of straight male tists that’ll complain about the amount of male subs. Why? Because half of these tists want nudes from the chick.

Keep in mind, this isn’t just tumblr, but it is just online on varied communities. I’ve found wonderful communities though, I know great tists and people who care a lot on consent, one dude literally added me on Skype, gave me protection from being abused, and for weeks checked up on me.

That’s not an asshole. It’s a concerned adult who gave a shit, and actually went out of his way to make sure I was safe when it was dangerous for me. He couldn’t convince me not to be involved so he actually minimized the damage.

I’m just livid people don’t understand that on a post about abuse, it’s not fucking okay to be, “not all tists”

Sorry that you took my generalized “tists” to mean “all tists”. No, it’s an unspecified amount, not known how many but a significant amount that it’s not some, but I can’t say if it’s most. I didn’t ballpark how many tists were abusive.

I just gave subs a good list to be safe, based on my own experiences and how I’d handle those situations now.

Rant over, I’m going to go eat food now, and glare at the derailment my post experienced.

FYI, if a post has one line you don’t agree with but the rest of it is an informational post about combatting abuse, and the line you have an issue with is “it’s too generalized, not all X”

Shut the fuck up and don’t comment. The post actually is referring to abusers and wow, you’re fucking derailing a post about how to protect yourself from abusers. I would think you’d have common sense.