#like he is 27 a full adult man. that shit is not funny

[fishfingersandscarves]

got a little bit hatecrimed today 🤪

[skaruresonic]

why is Gordon x Alyx even controversial? both of them are fully grown adults. What could possibly be the issue here?

The pithy answer is "antis," but the more honest answer is that an influx of fandom tourists came in and gentrified Half-Life, twisting a canon ship into the most bad-faith interpretation possible.

Strap in, because this is a batshit story.

In 2020, wayneradiotv released HLVRAI, also known as "Half-Life but the AI is Self-Aware."

HLVRAI is to Half-Life what the Snapcube dubs are to the Sonic games: a haha funny meme series that is set in its own canon and only superficially resembles the original series. This would not have been a problem had HLVRAI not been conflated with Half-Life; for the longest time, the two fandoms were considered conjoined, and it was because of the ship wars that OG Half-Life fans had to beg AO3 to separate the tags over the course of three years. HLVRAI introduced an influx of young fans to Half-Life, but a certain subsect of new fans kicked up a ruckus because they found Half-Life's canon to be, in short, "problematic." Specifically, HLVRAI is set in a canon where Gordon Freeman has a child based on a throwaway line about an Easter egg of a baby photo in his locker. In reality, Gordon is stated in the PS2 manual to be "unmarried without dependents" and the Easter egg simply depicts a developer's child; this is worth noting in order to better understand how the fandom tourists thought about Half-Life canon.

Fans of HLVRAI shipped HLVRAI!Gordon with the character Benrey, who is an extremely spurious interpretation of Barney Calhoun, Gordon's buddy in HL2.

Benrey and Barney have nothing in common aside from sharing a face, yet fandom tourists who knew nothing about the games saw Freehoun (Gordon/Barney) as, like, a sort of "vessel" for Gordon/Benrey. As such, they started looking for reasons to justify it as The Ultimate Ship.

Being a Valhoun (Alyx Vance/Barney Calhoun) shipper myself, I was only on the fringes when the shitshow happened. At the time, the most prominent ships in the fandom were Freemance and, to a lesser extent, Freehoun. I remember Freemancers had just produced a Freemance zine before HL fandom all went to shit; however, after the dust settled, nothing like that happened again.

The fandom tourists, I kid you not, started calling Freemance pedophilia on the grounds that, and I quote: --- 1.) Gordon is "chronologically 47" in HL2, despite Eli heavily implying that Gordon hasn't aged during stasis and is still mentally and physically 27.

--- 2.) The games heavily push Freemance, which can, according to these geniuses, be taken as a problematic age gap ship at best. Freemance is also predatory because Gordon is preying on a vulnerable Alyx, according to them. In addition to ignoring how it's Alyx who makes the moves on Gordon, HLVRAI fans have repeatedly revealed their ignorance of her age. They think she's a teenager in HL2, despite her age being easily deduced from information offered in HLA's opening scene:

19 + 5 = 24. Alyx is 24 in HL2, only three years younger than Gordon. This tidbit was routinely ignored in favor of portraying her as a younger vulnerable party to a "much" older man (who in reality hadn't aged during his time in stasis). --- 3.) Upon first meeting Gordon in HL2, Alyx off-handedly remarks that Gordon likely "[doesn't] remember" her from Black Mesa. HLVRAI fans took that to mean Gordon definitely knew her when she was a child, or even babysat her, despite her words implying the opposite.

Don't ask me how that works. I don't know.

--- 4.) As an icky 47-year-old whom the game "ships" with a "possible teenager" (who despite living in a world subjugated by alien fascists must be "protected" from older white guys, apparently), Gordon Freeman thinks of the full-grown Alyx who flirts with him as the four-year-old he most definitely babysat back at Black Mesa.

--- Hmm, said the fandom tourists, isn't it sus how Valve keep trying to push Freemance in our faces? Maybe Valve are a bunch of pedos in disguise...? 🤔 If by now you're thinking these are some Olympic-tier mental gymnastics, you'd be right. The situation really was that absurd, to the point where antis straight-up lied about canon in order to justify shipping Freehoun. Which, to rub salt in the wound, wasn't even real Freehoun grounded in Half-Life canon, but some proxy for another ship. Fandom's response to this extreme contortionist act, understandably, was "Jesse what the fuck are you talking about."

And then, being the creatures of reason and intellect that they are, the fandom tourists started doxxing people over this shit. A mutual of mine had an anon report her to the authorities for merely writing Freemance fic. The situation got so bad that most of the old guard packed up and went elsewhere, mostly Disco Elysium.

To this day folks are still tentative about even posting what used to be fandom's most common OTP because that side of fandom is just so rabid.

[blubushie]

It's bitching hour I see, don't mind if I join! A lot of the TF2 fandom (mostly just Tumblr/Twitter parts of it) seem to be huge pussies about shipping. There has been talk about straight Pauling ships already and this falls under it too. TF2 fans on here seem to just fear being slightly unconventional with ships, no age gap more than 5 years or so, only the three most popular ships or else eat dirt, no straight Pauling ships, what do you mean bi people exist? It's stupid. You like a ship that isn't fucking red Octoberfest? Starve! Nobody will write or draw anything for this pair for months! Like a ship that's slightly controversial within the fandom like basically any pairing with an age gap, classcest, M/F Pauling ship, anything with pyro in it (also dear god this fandom treats pyro like an uwu baby that doesn't know sex when the guys a full grown pyromaniac with a job! He's mentally ill not a fucking child!! Sorry for side tangent) will get your head stuck on a pike ffs. I remember when I joined I really liked the popular/non problematic ships too but the attitudes of some people smh. TF2 side of Tumblr please get a bit more open minded with what you ship or just leave the people who ship unconventional shit alone. I know there's a line that 90% of the fandom won't cross and it's for a good reason imo (talking about incest ships here) but a relationship with an age gap of more than 10 years is not on the other side of that line, have fun and explore silly relationships with these fictional characters for once!! Let me have my toxic yaoi and toxic yuri in peace :(

Also I'm sorry about putting this long thing in your ask box, this escalated quickly

Agreed fully and also I'm gonna say something that's gonna rustle a lot of feathers–

People love SniperSpy. It's generally accepted that Spy is somewhere in his 50s to 60s, judging off Scout's age alone, and with SniperSpy he's sleeping with someone three years older than his own son.

And there is a absolutely nothing wrong with this when both parties are consenting adults. What I have an issue with is that I've seen a lot of people who ship SniperSpy then get on the arse of MedicScout shippers because Scout is "too young" for Medic.

My question is why? Why is it ok to ship Sniper, at 30, with Spy, a man at least 20 years older than him, but it's not alright to do the same with Scout, who's 27, and Medic, who's probably about 20 years older than him? Why is that? Why do you have an issue with one and not the other?

And it comes down to two things:

1. People think Scout looks too young. Which, I'm sorry, but at someone who's 5'2" and looks about 16-18 at all times (depending on whether or not I shave) despite being 23, fuck you. You do not get to decide if someone's physical appearance is "mature enough" when that person is a fucking adult. Get fucked.

2. Ableism. Scout is notoriously immature and often acts like a teenage. HE IS ALMOST THIRTY YEARS OLD. Maturity/behaviour ≠ age and the funny part is that these are the same people who tell you not to infantilise autistic people for perceived immaturity but then go on and infantilise A MAN WHO IS ALMOST THIRTY because he acts immature. Practise what you preach or get fucked.

People NEVER do this with Sniper and I'm not sure if it's because Sniper looks like he's 40 or because he acts like he's 40. But I'm inclined to think it's the latter, because people often do this with Pyro too as Pyro also often acts childlike.

So hey, if you do this, check yourself. Cuz you're probably being ableist. Ask yourself why exactly you think an almost thirty year old man can't have a romantic or sexual relationship with a man older than him when they're both mercenaries on a team of hired killers who kill people and break things FOR A LIVING. Are you normal about neurodivergent people? No, are you really?

[celestialholz]

For some reason, I’m seriously wondering if Brassius is /younger/ than he looks, like…Cyrus does NOT look 27, yet there he is. And Brassius was confirmed to have had physically and mentally torturous younger years as an artist struggling for recognition. I’m not saying he’s also 27 mind you, he’s more likely in his late 30’s, /maybe/ early 40’s if we’re being generous.

This…also brings up the potential of an age gap in his and Hassel’s relationship, depending on when they met. Hassel’s likely in his 50’s (somewhere on the low end, maybe), meaning they might have anywhere from a 10 to 15 year age gap in their relationship!

I’m not saying there was any orbiting mind you, they were both fully-grown legal adults when they met, and all my homies hate orbiting—but it’s something to consider, given we don’t have canon ages for every character outside of a very small few.

Ah, my dear anonymous friend, today I must have a chat with you all on coding.

Cyrus looks like this at 27 because he's wrong. His storyline is finding a way to mend the 'incomplete human spirit', and yet in his design and actions we see his flawed viewpoint. The narrative asks you to consider that if this is what perfection looks like, why is everyone else different? Why does everyone else look their age, or younger, and yet they're somehow incorrect? It's because everyone else isn't wrong. Cyrus' cold heart is draining him of his youth and vitality - he's too serious, and so it shows upon his skin. He's a commentary, a man too driven and too angry at entirely the wrong thing. He will unleash the literal embodiment of Satan to 'save us all', which is dictator language if I've ever heard it. It's why he wears grey, white and black - at his 'core', where the white undershirt is (the colour of purity), he has good intentions, or at least believes he does; his jacket is grey because he's morally ambiguous, lying to his team with again, what he thinks are good intentions - he's saving everyone, isn't he, what's the sacrifice of some good soldiers compared to that? And it's predominantly black, because his heart, and his thoughts, are literally 'dark.' He's a walking red flag on virtually every level, which makes the fact that his name literally means 'sun' particularly funny. He thinks he's bringing light to the world, but all he's bringing is darkness.

Contrast all of that to this lovely fellow here.

Brassius is physically marked by time because of both illness and depression - he was never 'wrong' in the way Cyrus is, so his lines and frown are a measure of struggling rather than a mental issue. The transformation here is palpable - the man we see jumping from rooftops and being the King of Drama is not necessarily young accordingly, he's alive. He's living his best life later in that life because he never could before - he's been healed, physically and spiritually, by Hassel. The coding here is of a youth unfortunately missed - he was drained of it too, but in an entirely different manner. Hilarious, because as I've pointed out before, Brassius is moon-coded to Hassel's sun coding - he's reflected his light, and now shines in his own right, whereas Cynthia - whose name similarly means 'moon' - is a reflection of Cyrus, the 'good' mirror to his wild ideals.

The difference lies not only in narrative, but in coding. Cyrus is a petulant youth, shouting at the world that won't listen until he makes them; Brassius is a grandpa-esque figure of art and wisdom. He's seen shit, and therefore he's basically every child's adorable little gay uncle. He's not jumping off windmills because he's full of youth, especially when we know from his rematch that it hurts his knees - he's jumping off windmills because he can. Because he's living now, because he's a role model, because he basks in literal sunlight... which is probably why he trains Grass-types, narratively. Needs that photosynthesis. <3

Likewise, speaking of men who are living nowadays...

Here is a man who has also been through some shit - the burden of responsibility vs. the freedom of being your authentic self, who has also been healed by finding his little free-spirited, unapologetic artist husband. You'll see looking at them together like this, the only thing really distinguishing the two in wrinkles is the lines around Hassel's mouth... which is pretty easy to explain away as continuous frowning, when you've spent a good portion of your life hiding your true softness and trying to be the head of the family your heritage expects you to be.

It's a very different and beautiful take on the Sinnoh dynamic, honestly. Where Cyrus and Cynthia are at odds, both fighting for their own greater good, the sun and the moon here are in harmony - they're equals at every turn. One heals the other, and vice versa; they're both role models for young people; Brassius' art depicts them both to varying degrees; Hassel shows up at gym two; Flapple is half of them each... neither seems inadequate at all. Even the skill gap evens up, because they become very similarly levelled during the gym leader rematches.

And when you've got coding like that...

Is Hassel the older one, here? Oh, almost definitely. We don't know any canon ages in Paldea except Dendra, who explicitly tells us she's 25, and therefore, Tulip must be a very similar age as they grew up together. Everyone else is up for debate, really, aside from the kids obviously being kids. But this has all been a very long way to say, dearest anon, that I don't think this age gap's as wide as you might think. :) I think, in the spirit of equality, Brassius looks older than he is, and Hassel does too, because they've both had lives of turmoil - if I had to stick numbers on it, Brassius is early 40s, and Hassel's late 40s. But as you rightly point out my unknown pal, there's no orbiting here. This is a healthy and wonderful relationship of absolute equilibrium, as my meta masterpost on them will explain more easily than I can summarise here. Both of them are utter sweethearts with good hearts, and everything they are is built on mutual respect and appreciation. But you don't usually achieve mastery of your craft, and especially not after early disadvantages, unless you're of a certain age. These two are endgame life material, the 'happily ever after' of achieving true self-worth as well as true love. They stand as our in-game grandpas for a reason. :)

[bucketinyourwalls]

2!Postal Dude Headcanons <3

Summary:

With this version of 2!Postal Dude consists of a mix of my own projections, random stuff I thought of whenever bored, and just how I generally see him. Based on my first run with him, and a mix of the wiki. Anyone that wants to add these to their own lists feel free! :D

General:

Goofy as hell. Still just as insane as the others, but takes it all less seriously.

Either has a list or small journal he carries on him all the time just filled with one-liners, also carries a pen so he can write down any new ones he thinks of.

Fucking dumbass.

Not the smartest guy around, but also not the dumbest. Decent knowledge with some things.

Sometimes pretends to be a full on moron just to annoy the person, or piss them off depending on if it's someone he likes or hates.

Knowledgeable in some subjects, but only if it’s something he has a genuine interest in.

Random hyperfixation on things. Tries to keep himself focused on one or two things at a time and tries to balance everything out, but always fails.

Favorite aesthetics consist of cyberpunk, post-apocalyptic, feralcore, bastardcore, and post-punk.

Feral bastard.

Bites people. Started out as a joke but was slowly integrated into his life.

Humor’s all over the damn place. Mix of whatever he can find on Tumblr and shows like South Park and Beavis and Butthead.

Has a Tumblr and Twitter account. Both just so he can watch everything unfold and doesn’t bother to post anything.

Following list for Twitter mostly consists of gimmick accounts, some of it wholesome, and others being shit he just decided was funny.

Personality built around others' perception of him, whether people he actually knows or just those on the internet. 

Personality changes often, but keeps certain aspects for each one.

Bit of a people pleaser.

Mood is always randomized for each day. One day he could be the most calm and patient man in Paradise, and the next he could go on a massacre.

Mood really depends on his morning. Slight inconveniences do have the potential to fuck it all up if there was a major one before, but not on their own.

Very patient with people when younger, but that patience has slowly degraded over the years.

Would never snap at anyone when younger, maybe a few passive aggressive comments.

But now with the degraded patience, much more prone to snapping at people.

Animal lover. Always making sure Champ gets pets and food before he goes off to do his errands and will do his best to take care of strays.

After the beginning cutscene near the start of the game with him kicking Champ for pissing in front of him felt a fuck ton of guilt for the rest of the day. After he got home made sure to do his best to make it up to Champ through whatever means necessary.

Type of video games that he plays is a healthy mix of horror such as Silent Hill and Resident Evil, indie games like Cult of the Lamb and Hollow Knight, and of course shooter games like DOOM and the Call of Duty series.

For Cult of the Lamb he definitely named the cult after himself. Once tried to mod the game himself to add in or replace the decorations to better fit himself but that never ended up happening.

Just about grew up with horror. During highschool he had a fake ID so he could see the Rated R movies without having to bring an adult with him, or would just sneak in (and get caught).

Holds the DOOM series close to his crack-filled heart, with his favorite being the 1993 DOOM as a mix of nostalgia and everything that could be done. Always discovering new secrets on every playthrough.

Probably plays Call of Duty a bit less than the others, and mostly consists of him playing online and just insulting everyone since it’s fun to see their reactions. Barely pays attention to any of the campaigns.

Bisexual and Pangender <3

Age being 27 during the events of Postal 2 (no clue if he has a canon age so for the time being I’m sticking to that).

Music:

Mostly metal and rock.

Korn, Avenged Sevenfold, Rob Zombie, Dope, Limp Bizkit, Skillet, Seether, Slayer, etc.

Favorite songs with them consisting of: “Y’all Want a Single?” by Korn, “Rollin (Air Raid Vehicle” by Limp Bizkit, and “6 Gun Quota” by Seether.

Also has a few other songs in there that seem much out of place, either because he thought it’d be funny or just from him genuinely enjoying them.

Few examples being the “Bisexual Anthem” by Domo Wilson, “Material Girl” by Saucy Santana, “Masquerade” by siouxxie sixxta, ect.

Sings in the shower, most of the time keeps it quiet but will sing loudly as hell just to drive people crazy.

Cannot be trusted with the aux cord.

God help you if you’re on a road trip and he gets a hold of the cord.

Credits:

Credit for both dividers go to @kawaii-lau, after a bit of scrolling finding some dividers saw that they had some cool stuff, so check them out! <3

[boypussydilf]

aw hey another relationships ask. how about sae and akechi? (platonically if thats not obvious,) vastly interested in hearing your opinion

OH MY GOD I HAD NOT EVEN CONSIDERED THEM. CAN WE TALK ABOUT SAE AND AKECHI IVE BEEN DYING TO TALK ABOUT SAE AND AKECHI “youre literally about to talk about them” I AM}!??!?!? SWEET!!!!! literally i saw i had an ask and i was like oh man I’ll probably have to save it for tomorrow and then i saw what it was and was Instantly restored to Full Health. my HP bar is massive and so is my brain. anyway this is once again gonna turn into kind of a big post so

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

SAE NIIJIMA. AND GORO AKECHI. HAVE. THE LITERAL FUNNIEST DYNAMIC OF ANY CHARACTERS IN ANY PIECE OF MEDIA, EVER.

They’re, like, coworkers, which is already incredible bc they’re like. a 27 year old woman and a 17 year old boy. i dont actually know how old sae is but you get the idea. can you imagine being sae and working so hard to earn a position & respect as a young female prosecutor and then theyre like. can you confer with this Teenage Prettyboy. shes so strong for not just walking out.

But It Gets Better. Every interaction they have is stellar. The very first time we see them interact, which is also The First Time We See Akechi, At All, is, god i dont remember the Actual conversation they have i only rememebe the end of it, the most important part: akechi trying to get sae to buy him sushi and looking so miserable and pathetic when she’s like “only the cheap stuff :/“. Fucking…. incredible. 10/10 introduction to their dynamic all on its own. I cannot remember if akechi ever asks her to get him sushi again in the game or if im recalling something that happened in the anime or a fanfic. but. god its so funny. akechi, AKECHI, trying to pester this adult woman he works with into treating him to food. and her refusing. its incredible i could talk in circles abt how good this is for years.

and then it gets even funnier bc of like. the scene where sae realizes that Her Laptop Has Been Tampered With, and she asks akechi if He did it because they had a Disagreement recently. sae thinks akechi is petty enough to like. illegally take important and classified case information from her computer. over some difference of opinion that like, i imagine we see in the game, but if we do its so Understated that ive never noticed it. and she goes Did you try to get revenge on me. you bitch. like its so so funny

AND IT STILL GETS FUNNIER. BECAUSE. makoto says like. she got the impression sae had more trust & respect for akechi than for her. Sae is like “this guy I work with can be annoying and full of himself but he’s genuinely smart and he gets the job done i respect that” and then the guy in question is A TEENAGE CELEBRITY.

I don’t think we ever get to see akechi talk about sae all that much but like. It seems like he does Genuinely Like Her. And also is constantly passive aggressive at her!

In conclusion i. They’re incredible. They’re coworkers, theyre enemies, theyre very good friends with deep respect and even a kind of admiration for each other, theyre one businesswoman and the weird as hell teenager she works with that she feels compelled to be nice to because she has a little sister his age.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

Again yet another case of like. ^ All That is just like. Their actual canon interactions. I cant improve on that. The only way it can be made better is by having More of it. GOD I wish we got more of it. Oh also I think they talk shit about other people theyve both worked with together. With the utmost professionalism.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

theyre a combo of “GOD i want akechi to have friends. so bad” + “This is the funniest thing ive ever seen. in my life” i wish i was big brain enough to come up with something as riotously hilarious as their dynamic. the whole concept is so singularly unique. i dont know if that was even INTENTIONAL. its all There and it just gets skimmed over. just….. completely fascinating

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

*sobbing and blubbering* what if… goro akechi… had friends and people he cared about… even if he wont fully admit it or tries to avoid it… Like legit that’s. theyre. theyre like friends. i keep going to say They Get Along but they do not get along. but they are. friends. mostly in a Work Friends kind of way but still. & like. i think itsjust inevitable that as an Older Sibling sae will see people younger than her & feel Urge To Watch Over Them And Make Sure Theyre OK even without any like Personal Attachment. *sae voice* i guess i have to take care of this annoying fucking kid because NO ONE ELSE IS!!

of course agaun they also both just have Professional Respect for each other. as well.

favorite interaction they have in canon

AGAIN. THE ONES I LISTED @ THE BEGINNING. AKECHI TRYING TO MAKE SAE BUY HIM QUALITY SUSHI AND SAE ACCUSING HIM OF BEING EVEN MORE PETTY THAN HE IS. 10/10 SITUATIONS

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

ACTUALLY I HAVE NO IDEA. I JUST WANT TO SEE THEM INTERACT MORE FULL STOP. i think anything they did together would be funny

[lovenona]

Ooh sweetie. You think sukuna learns what jealousy is when you slowly starts to spend more time with the arrogant fuck that is geto? Wait until econ major gojo satoru comes in. (I need to say it again: i absolutely adore your works! Have a great day ! )

welcome back!! i see you with econ major gojo but, in cahoots with @softkuna, i raise you: teacher’s assistant gojo satoru, 27, who is completing his dissertation on post-impressionism and will soon have a phD. this string bean of a man literally looks like he’s twelve years old and shouldn’t even be in college, but he is legally allowed to teach discussion sections, host office hours, and grade your papers. (yeah, i know. it’s terrifying.)  

phd candidate gojo satoru is an absolute menace in the classroom – he barely teaches, just clicks through the professor’s powerpoint slides and teases them for their awful aesthetic choices and apparent inability to use technology. he’ll make fun of the artwork, too, instead of analyzing it: why does that baby look like a full-grown adult? do y’all see this wack perspective? in essence, he’s one of those cursed teachers where you leave the lecture even more confused than before. all gojo satoru does is eat hot chip, lie, wear his silly little sunglasses indoors and act as if you already know the material through osmosis or something. (babe, we don’t, you’re supposed to tell us.)

phd candidate gojo satoru is also the hoe professor that calls on students who aren’t paying attention because he thinks it’s funny. his favorite student to terrorize, of course, being ryomen sukuna: there’s an unspoken rivalry between them, a tension that borders somewhere between hatred and jealousy. it’s what happens when you put the two most arrogant fucks in a room together! shit always hits the fan. gojo will ask sukuna an outrageous question, to which sukuna will give an equally outrageous answer. they then argue, quite intellectually and on a range of topics, for at least 30 minutes. someone usually live tweets the scene. someone is crying because they just wanted to go over the material.

and yet, for gojo’s absolutely pitiful teaching style (seriously this man should have awful ratings) somehow he is one of the smartest academics in the entire department. he’s received every fellowship academia has to offer. he’s already quite famous in the art history world despite the fact he hasn’t even finished his dissertation yet. he’s insanely popular on campus, too – everyone wants to be in his classes, even if they’d be better off with professor nanami, who actually helps you understand the content and cares about your success. gojo’s just got that aura where you want to be around him, and because he’s so chill and fun you often forget that he’s a full-grown adult who is supposed to be mentoring you. 

(also, this man absolutely has a tiktok where he posts ���relatable” content about his day-to-day life and really niche jokes about artwork and art history. somehow, he’s always going viral. like bitch please just answer my email asking about this week’s assignment it’s been three days.)

(part of the artist!sukuna universe) 

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)

As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. 

I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.

0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant. 

1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.

1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”

2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?

2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry. 

2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode. 

 3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified. 

3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief. 

3:30 - OMG.  “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it. 

3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT. 

3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?

4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.

4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true. 

4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot. 

4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit.  hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?

4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining. 

4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great). 

4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius.  I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?

4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed. 

5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha

5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.

5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”

5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition. 

5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little. 

6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining. 

6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.

6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa. 

6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3 

7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha 

7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?

8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3 

8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general. 

8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect. 

9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk. 

10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating. 

10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it. 

11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.

11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial. 

11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!? 

11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.

12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3 

12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm. 

12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season? 

13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between. 

13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.

13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3

13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder). 

13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues. 

13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?

14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.”  Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?

14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often. 

14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore.  DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT. 

14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!

15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here. 

15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might. 

16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay. 

16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”

16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.

17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?

17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason. 

18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha

18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :( 

18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode. 

18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers. 

19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”

20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil. 

20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.

21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this. 

21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL. 

22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality. 

22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame. 

23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast. 

23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured.  Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264

23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”

24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him.  <3

24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?

24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis. 

25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people. 

25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card. 

26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour. 

26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day. 

28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence. 

28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.

29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting. 

30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?

30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back. 

30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.

30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”

30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood. 

31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?

31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.

31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :( 

31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?

32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here. 

32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?

32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!

32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son). 

33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons. 

33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator. 

33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?

33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3 

35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT. 

36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die. 

36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?

36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING. 

37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her. 

37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all. 

38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it. 

38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :( 

38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene. 

38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!

39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3

39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape. 

39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds. 

39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3 

39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!

40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(

40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”

41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect. 

41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie. 

41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?! 

42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces. 

42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral. 

42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth. 

42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us. 

43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity. 

This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out. 

[adultswim2021]

Ephemera Week (2002)

Mission Hill (originally aired on WB, 1999-2000)

Mission Hill was a perfectly good animated series from former Simpsons show-runners Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein. It was a sitcom about cool young people in a cool young people city. Andy French is an aspiring cartoonist, intended to be a Matt Groening type who would (over the course of many many seasons) eventually find success and get his own super-successful animated series called THE SIMPSONS: SEASONS 1-8.

The premise of the show was that Andy’s parents retire and sell the childhood home, displacing his nerdy high-school aged younger brother Kevin. Kevin moves in with Andy and learns how to be a cool city style guy, you know, the kind that’s always “walkin here!” and sucking off Bob Balaban in the men’s room and whatnot.

The show is at least better than the bad seasons of the Simpsons, and has a cool alt-comics style that suits the show really well. Not to damn it with faint praise, it’s a good show. There are a handful of GREAT episodes and plenty of strong jokes. There's news of a revival in the works focusing on Gus and Wally, the older gay couple in the show. It's supposed to take place in the same era the show originally aired in, which is just great.

Like Baby Blues and Home Movies before it, I did catch this show randomly on it's network of origin. I saw one or two of the final episodes to air on WB. I liked it! I was glad to see it get revived for a run on Adult Swim. I've wanted more episodes ever since.

I don't think the show is available for streaming anywhere, which is too bad. It came out on DVD with special features. That DVD set was reissued on DVD-R without special features, so... buyer? be wary. There's also a number of music replacements that ruin some of the scenes. At one point I had a bootleg set where somebody took the DVD video and replaced the audio with the as-broadcast version of of the show. Good luck finding it.

Here's an episode guide showing their debuts on Adult Swim. Bold episodes were originally unaired, making their debut on the channel. Also note: episodes had an innocuous title and a spicier in-house title in parentheses. It’s real Police Squad! shit.

12AM Monday Morning:

May 20: Pilot (or The Douchebag Aspect) May 27: Andy Joins the PTA (or Great Sexpectations) June 3: Kevin's Problem (or Porno for Pyro) June 10: Andy vs. The Real World (or The Big-Ass Viacom Lawsuit) June 17: Andy and Kevin Make a Friend (or One Bang for Two Brothers) June 24: Andy Gets a Promotion (or How to Get Head in Business Without Really Trying) July 1: Kevin vs. the SAT (or Nocturnal Admissions) July 8: Unemployment Part 1 (or Brother's Big Boner) July 15: Unemployment Part 2 (or Theory of the Leisure Ass) July 22: Kevin Finds Love (or Hot for Weirdie) July 29: Stories of Hope and Forgiveness (or Day of the Jackass)

11PM Sunday Night:

August 4: Happy Birthday, Kevin (or Happy Birthday, Douchebag) August 11: Plan 9 from Mission Hill (or I Married a Gay Man from Outer Space)

ALSO NOTE: There are about five episodes that were in early-stages of production and if you poke around you can find scripts for these episodes ( here as of this writing). A full animatic and table read for “Crap Gets In Your Eyes” exists if you search for it. 

MAIL BAG

London Arbuckle ASKS! or, states! sorry I’m writing this lead-in without having read the whole message yet.

Another confusing Baffler Meal thing: the deleted cold open that's on the DVD. It gets called back to in the actual episode ("Between two steamed buns", "Nine dollars!? For what?") and provides crucial context, BUT it also gets contradicted in the actual episode (SG sells out for "one serious speaker" instead of owing a restaurant money). Also I remember all the ads for this episode used a clip from the cold open! It always kinda bothered me that they cut it but boys (matt & dave) will be boys!

I do think the cold open is nice and I always make a point to watch it with the episode. In my mind they are as essential as watching that boring Terry Gilliam short before Meaning of Life. The next step is pointlessly editing them together using Nero. Yeah, that’s the ticket

Here’s ANONYMOUS, baby!

It's summertime and we are talking about Adult Swim and I gotta ask when's the last time you've been to a pool. Have you ever in your adult life enjoyed the benefits of an adult swim. Tell us just how much you like splash around. Yes, that would be quite illuminating I'm sure (rolleyes).

Man, when was the last time I went into a pool? It’s been literally years. I think the last time I swam I did a bad job. I am definitely am getting “bad job” vibes off my hazy memories. Man, my memories used to be precious. Damn!

do you think theyll ever work with george lowe again in any major capacity or do you think he's just bad news.

I was about to say “isn’t he on American Dad” based on him name-checking American Dad as one of his many credits but I just looked it up and he was only in one episode. Damn. Somebody give George work he seems nice.

beakman's world, anyone? The wild and wacky world of Paul Zaloom? Hmm? Anyone?

lol you wish...

Baby Blues really was my everything back in the early 2000s, it may not have head the punk rock cred you clearly seem to crave it was a soothing balm for myself as a new father in a scary world (9/11 and all that, terrible stuff).

you raise a good point, that you’re a huge dork “with child” and I’m cool and laughed at 9/11 because it was funny to me, actually

Just read your Baby Blues "take down" and I gotta say: In the immortal words of Mike Francesca, "You're a fool. ho-kay? A total fool."

Uh huh. Yeah okay. Mike Francesca hordes pot bellied pigs in his apartment and lives in filth. He stinks, and so do youd

Baby Blue is like every animation nerd's wet dream. What if they made the rugrats with only the parents part. And here it is. Be careful what you wish for, chunky.

Yeah and it’s too bad because judging from the previous mail bags my audience is primarily made up of BABIES.

[papofglencoe]

Re: you mentioning you vibe more with Kurt Cobain as you get older.

I totally get that. I don't know if I was ready for Nirvana when I was twelve- fourteen. I liked their music but I didn't fully get the vibe (I was a late bloomer spending probably 98% of my free time reading) and now I’m like damn, I wish I hadn’t been an actual child while Kurt was alive. Because goodness that cynical outlook fits pretty well on me too.

The memory that stands out the most to me when Kurt died (I was fourteen) was feeling this great loss, like I was in mourning for our generation because we’d lost someone special- even if I didn’t get all of the specifics at the time and just casually enjoyed In Bloom or Smells Like Teen Spirit on MTV.

Also, I’ll never forget speaking up at home, expressing how sad I felt about his passing, without really being able to express why, and my asshole stepfather (no longer in the picture) making some sort of remark about how he deserved it or he was glad or something along those lines. I heard the sentiment mentioned by more than one person at that time. It made me angry then and it still does to his day.

All that from a “good” evangelical, of course.

(I'm not bashing Christianity in general, I want to make that very clear. Just the particular type that refuses to see further than the ends of their noses)

Anyway, thanks for letting me dump my completely unsolicited emotions on you <3.

Man, your (ex)stepfather was an asshole! I'm so sorry he made things worse for you by subjecting you to heartlessness instead of sympathy. (As if his generation hadn't lost their share of culturally significant people far before their time... not to mention, oh, Jesus).

I was in the same boat as you. Too young to grasp the full genius of Nirvana at the time or to understand what it was that Kurt was doing with his music. I remember watching Woodstock 94 with my older brother through the static and garble of some semi-pirated version of HBO on our TV, but it wasn't until I started high school that I actually gave a shit about contemporary music. When I was 12 I was listening to old Motown, Doo-Wop, the Beach Boys, the Beatles, etc. Stuff more appropriate for my parent's generation than ours. lol. So I was a little late to the game, and too late to enjoy Kurt before the enjoyment was mingled with loss.

I remember the day he died, though... I remember my best friend getting on the bus that morning, dressed all in black, her face stained with tears, and maybe she got the full gravity of the situation or maybe it was in some ways performative grief, but I really didn't understand then like I do now as an old woman the tragedy of a 27-year-old man ending his life to escape the demons hounding him (or just how horrific those demons were). He seemed like a grown adult to me at the time he died. I know now he was still in many ways a child. So young. So fucking young. When you're a teen you think 27 is ancient... like it's time to pack it up and move to the retirement home. But in time, with wisdom, you come to realize that you've just begun living at 27. He had just started living when he chose to die. He'd just had a baby girl... just this little nugget of a girl, and he bailed on her. As a parent now, that makes my heart ache.

Kurt was the essence of a depressed person, you know? Brilliant, funny, playful, sarcastic, wry, gentle, creative, vulnerable, but completely overwhelmed by the soullessness and cruelty of the world around him, exhausted, saddled with chronic pain, pissed off, frustrated, desperately wanting to stop hurting the people he loved, desperately wanting to stop being hurt, and I just... did not understand at 12 what a life with depression would be like, how hard it was for him with the added burdens of addiction and the savage cruelty of fame and the press in the 90s (people quite rightly have taken the magnifying lens to how the press mistreated Britney Spears, but there are so many others out there, like Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse, who were literally picked to death by the media).

Don't you wonder what Kurt would be like as a 50 year old? Would he be an old curmudgeon the kids "Ok Boomered" all the time? Would his hard edges be worn away like driftwood? Would he have gotten softer, quieter? Would he be angrier? Would he still be laughing at all of us? Or would he be ripping his hair out (would he have any left?), tired of the ridiculous bullshit that's only gotten more ridiculous and more bullshitterific?

[purrincess-chat]

Cat’s Not-All-Encompassing Character Ranking

Okay, so I have to admit that I omitted a lot of characters I don't have strong opinions on. Most of them were one-off akumas, so don't get your panties in a twist, your faves are probably still on here (and ranked lower than you think).

As a preface again, these are just my personal opinions. They can't hurt you. You can still like characters more or less than me. And I don't care how you feel about them. This list is for me. And the person that asked for it. So shut up. Go make your own rank list if you’re so butthurt. 

We're going in reverse order this time, starting from the bottom:

84. Gabriel Agreste- I mean, is anyone surprised? I am not private about how I think Gabriel should go to jail. Or fall off a cliff. Or be erased from existence. Rip to those that like him, but I’m different.

83. Thomas Astruc- Honestly, he’s down here on principle. Self-inserts are generally a no-no, and I just laugh every time I see him on screen because he really put himself in this show and said boohoo no one appreciates me XD

82. Bob Roth- I feel like this one should also be obvious. He’s just a dick. Terrible human. I give him 0 stars.

81. Tomoe Tsurugi- We all collectively hate her, right? It’s not just me?

80. Su Han- This mans has small peepee energy. And he bad mouthed Fu, so get FUCKED, my dude.

79. Rolland Dupain- Listen, I get it, he liked Marinette in the end, but I could do without the racism.

78. Nathalie Sancoeur- My opinion of Nathalie took a nosedive after the s2 finale. I just do not care that she is in love with her boss. Don’t care that she’s dying. Just do not have it in me.

77. XY- Justin Bieber ass wannabe.

76. Nora Cesiare- I didn’t care for Nora. I know Thomas loves her, but the overbearing sibling trope is tired.

75. Anarka Couffaine- I underestimated how much I don’t really like her. Like, it’s not full-on hate, but I just do not care for her.

74. Otis Cesaire- Got akumatized because a kid said he could outrun a panther. I’m still not over it, Otis.

73. Andre Bourgeois- No love for the crooked mayor. I hope your wife divorces you. 

72. Alec Cataldi- The real villain of Stormy Weather. Like fr why is he such an asshole?

71. Roger Raincomprix- Is Officer Roger just doing his best? Sometimes. But like sometimes this mans just needs to take a chill pill.

70. M. D'Argencourt- Please get out of the 1600s

69. Ella/Etta- These two are basically the same character, and I am indifferent to both of them.

68. KnightOwl/Barbara- Listen, I would have liked you more if you were less controlling.

67. Majestia- Same as above, but like I guess I like you more

66. Theo- *Mean Girls principal voice* Stay away from underaged girls!

65. Andre the ice cream man- I just want a scoop of chocolate, Andre. Is that too much to ask??

64. Amelie Graham de Vanily- We haven’t seen much of her, but she seems like a snake bitch.

63. M. Kubdel- I mean, if my son wanted to resurrect an ancient mummy and believed in aliens, I’d give the family heirloom to my daughter too.

62. Jalil Kubdel- Lolol, buddy, pal, dude, my guy. Chill.

61. Vincent (Adrien's photographer)- Head empty. Mom’s spaghetti. Idk he’s alright.

60. Manon- I don’t hate Manon. She just gets on my nerves every time she talks.

59. M. Ramier- This mans got akumatized a billion times because he gets emotional about pigeons. I mean, honestly mood.

58. Mme. Mendeleiev- She doesn’t put up with Chloe’s shit, and we respect her for this.

57. Baby August- Someone just give this mans some food. He’s a growing boy.

56. Santa Claus- If I were Santa, I too would list Ladybug as the best kid in the world.

55. Art Teacher- He doesn’t even have a name, but I vibe with him. He seems like he likes to paint scenes of nature with his pet squirrels.

54. Prince Ali- Lil mans just wanted to have a good time. I can respect that.

53. Duusu- Duusu, I get that your Miraculous was broken, but get with the program, girl. You is a hostage.

52. Other Kwamis- Idk, all the ones we haven’t seen as much. I don’t have real opinions on them yet. Just neutral.

51. Sass- He gives me dad vibes.

50. M. Damocles- You go, you funky owl man

49. Jean (Chloe's Butler)- He deserves a raise. What is your name, sir? We may never know.

48. Mireille Caquet- She’s pretty cute. No complaints.

47. Aurore Beaureal- Baby’s first akuma. I love her design. She’s a cutie.

46. Claudie Kante (Max’s mom)- This womans just wanted to go to space and live her dream. We stan a hardworking queen.

45. Hot Dog Dan- I like him more than Andre the ice cream fraud. Sure, my hotdog might turn me purple, but if I ask for chili on it, I bet he’d oblige.

44. Nadja Chamack- I mean, she’s doing her best.

43. Audrey Bourgeois- So, as I said in the episode ranking, I have a love-hate relationship with Audrey. She’s the worst, but that’s why I love her. I love her ironically. Like, yeah she’s atrocious, but I just want to watch her burn the world.

42. Luka Couffaine- Directly in the middle, like he’s always been.

41. Nathaniel Kurtzberg- My opinion of Nath improved after Reverser surprisingly. I ship it.

40. Chris Lahiffe- I like Chris better than Ella/Etta. He’s just a little mans out here living life wanting to grow up. Don’t believe it, Chris. Stay little forever. Being an adult suuuuucks.

39. Fang the Crocodile- The goodest boy.

38. Nooroo- I just want to give him a hug.

37. Mlle. Bustier- She’s doing her best, but I mean, when ya whole class keeps getting turned into supervillains, I’m surprised she’s not an alcoholic.

36. Penny Rolling- I just like her. I think she’s neat.

35. Ondine- Mermaid queen! She’s so sweet, and I love her with Kim. I hope we see more of her in the future.

34. Marc Anciel- Marc is a little cutie bean. Idc if he’s based off one of Thomas’s irl friends. He can stay.

33. Wayzz- He loves Master Fu so much I cry.

32. Felix Graham de Vanily- I know everyone hates canon Felix, but tbh he exudes massive chaotic neutral gremlin energy, and I actually kinda vibe with that. And he pisses with his uncle which is a whole ass mood.

31. Tikki- Tikki is very cute, but bby please work on the preaching. You don’t always know what’s right, babe.

30. Sabrina Raincomprix- Sabrina deserves better. I hope we see good things happen for her.

29. Lila Rossi- Surprised? I actually like Lila. The first fic I ever wrote for this fandom was a Lila redemption. I think she is a good antagonist and foil to Marinette. I absolutely want to see her get dunked on in canon, but that doesn’t mean I hate her.

28. Wayhem- I don’t know why, but Wayhem makes me laugh. I love him XD

27. Uncle Cheng- He’s just a good mans with a birb who wants to make you tasty food. What’s not to like?

26. Trixx- Trixx shot up after GoS. Chaotic bean make Eiffel Tower go bendy

25. Jess- She’s pretty cool. She’s a vibe.

24. Aeon- The cutest bean!!! She saw Adrien and Marinette and said yep. Those two are meant to be together. Jess, we gotta make it happen.

23. Ivan Bruel- Ivan is such a gentle bean. We love him.

22. Mylene Haprele- Smol

21. Fei Wu- I still have not watched the Shanghai special with subs, but I liked her.

20. Gina Dupain- The grandma I aspire to be.

19. Marianne Lenoir- I love her. She is good. She and Fu are so cute. And she seems like she would have kicked le ass back in the day. (and even now)

18. Rose Lavillant- I am so excited for Pigella!! Rose is too cute. We love her. 

17. Gorilla- aka Adrien’s real dad. If the series doesn’t end with Gabriel getting yeeted into the stratosphere and Gorilla adopting Adrien, I don’t want it.

16. Clara Nightingale- She’s in love with Marinette. You can’t change my mind. 16 is also how old I hc her to be, so don’t nobody come for me.

15. Tom Dupain- Most. Supportive. Dad. Soft bean. Just wants to make you fresh bread.

14. Sabine Cheng- Good mom vibes. We love to see her.

13. Juleka Couffaine- Shy goth bean. Just wants to have her picture taken. Definitely a lesbian. We stan.

12. Nino Lahiffe- The goodest boy. He’s just out here doing his best, loving his friends.

11. Chloe Bourgeois- Chloe is another one I have a love-hate relationship with. Her brattiness is funny to me. We had high hopes for her. Honestly, she ranks this high because I like to play with her in fic.

10. Max Kante- He smol and smort. And I adore his friendship with Kim and the fact that he made an AI himself at 14. What a legend.

9. Alya Cesaire- Rip to Alya salters, but I’m different. Outside of Chameleon, Alya is fine. She’s a supportive bff. All yall people that are mad she doesn’t kiss Marinette’s ass all the time need to go out and make real friends. I said what I said.

8. Alix Kubdel- I love Alix. I love how she is always so done with all the lovey-dovey bullshit. She is tiny queen, and Bunnix, while OP af, is still super cool. We love to see her.

7. Kagami Tsurugi- I will fight anyone who shits on Kagami. She has done nothing wrong, you guys are just haters. All she did was exist, and yall said, wow what a toxic bitch?? Disgraceful.

6. Jagged Stone- We are going to ignore the deadbeat dad trope that canon thrust upon him. He is a Marinette stan, and we love that.

5. Kim Le Chien- I really love Kim, you guys. Does that surprise you? Listen, my favorite male character types are sweet beans and himbos. Kim is both of these.

4. Master Fu- If you didn’t pick up on how much I love Fu from the episodes ranking, then idk what to tell you. I want him to be my grandpa. I would trust this mans with my life. He did his best. You paint those pictures, you funky little man. I love you.

3. Plagg- My galaxy trash man. Love him. 10/10 chefs kisses all around.

2. Adrien Agreste- The biggest Marinette stan there is. I just want him to kiss her on the face. And marry her. Idk, I just think that would be neat if he could do that. I just want good things for them.

1. Marinette Dupain-Cheng- Honestly, are you surprised? I have always been and always will be a Marinette stan. If you expected anyone else to be in this spot, then clown suit rentals are off to the left.

[sebastianshaw]

Meme from "Broad City" quotes

“You said if you were ever going to do same sex experimentation, it was going to be with me.”

"Who would you rather go down on you? Michael Bublé or Janet Jackson?”

“Can Janet Jackson go down on me while Michael Bublé narrates it in song?”

“What’s an Arch de Triumph?”

“It’s when two dudes go down on us, is how I picture it, and they’re butt to butt and then you and I do Oprah hands.”

“I really don’t feel like going into work today.”

"Great, I’ll see you in 30 days then. . . biiiiitch.”

“Maybe your dad should have pulled out.”

“I need someone for the amazing race because my mom just pulled out.”

“I also have business with the bank. I’d like to cash these nickels, and I’ll have them in quarters, please. Thank you so much.”

“I’m a sexual X-Man. I’m Wolverine. I’m Vulvarine!”

"Oh my Lady God, thank you!"

“The vagina is nature’s pocket. It’s natural and responsible.”

“I would take you on my shoulders – like I’d strap you up and be like, ‘Let’s go through helllll.’”

“I’m not sexually aroused, I’m fiscally aroused.”

“That’s literally a one stop pussy shop. I love it!”

“I finally figured out my eyebrows, They’re sisters, not twins.”

“Four R’s, my friend-- Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rihanna.”

“Statistically we’re headed toward an age where everybody’s going to be, like, caramel and queer.”

“I’m an adult and I’m responsible. Let’s go get some candy.”

“I finally masturbated above the covers without my eyes being closed.”

“I just want to get home and watch my shows.”

"You just pulled a bag of pot out of your vagina."

"Do you ever get hair from your head stuck in your buttcrack in the shower?"

"I'm still not over Amy Winehouse."

"I can't really imagine what it's like for people with blue eyes."

"This isn't a sugar daddy thing. This is just an old established guy paying for his younger friend who he also has sex with kind of thing."

"You're like 12, right?"

"I love me some dumplings. It's like a squirrel clutch with a meatball in it."

"I was so worried I baked a whole cake and then I ate a whole cake."

"In da clerb, we all fam."

"I know you from your ass better than I know your face."

"I respect you respecting me."

"You know what's cool about this party? We're the sexiest girls here."

"I'll pick up your poop. You're worth it."

"This is what living on the edge looks like."

"You got beauty. You got brains. You're a fucking genius. Do you wanna kiss?"

"You look sexy and vivacious and artsy and, like, young-wife material but, like, taut and teasy still. It's a perfect combo."

“Witches aren’t monsters, they’re just women! They’re fucking women who cum and giggle and play in the night. And that’s why everybody wants to set them on fire ‘cause they’re so fucking jealous."

"YAS KWEEN!"

“I AM NOT A MOM!”

"You never know if you never try and if you never try you never know."

“I’m only 27, what am I? A child bride?”

"You have been busting my balls all day over a sahaaaandwich shahooppe?!"

"I don’t watch anything but solo porn because regular porn is like, “Shut up, little girl! Wash my feet!” And she’s like "uhhh don’t tell my dad ok? Because I’m just barely legal. I love shaved pubes and tanned, crispy bellies and taints.” It’s like ugh!"

"I don’t have any money. I’m a wittle baby."

“Buckle up, buttercup”

"Money is a mind control technique that used to quantify the progress of the patriarchy!"

"Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn’t want us to put our fingers up then then why did She make them perfectly finger sized ?"

"I’ll see you when u wake up, and if you don’t wake up I’ll still see you cause I’m gonna kill myself and meet you in heaven or whatever.”

"If you train your eyes, you can see their religion”

“I know it’s like “pwease Mr. Cwusty old white man, can I pwease keep my ovaries?” Alright bitch you better vote, text me when you do”

“I mean we had been together how long, and I still never saw nipples?”

“OOPS I guess I don’t know my own strength”

“Pillows are nature’s packing peanuts!”

“The student has become the teacher!”

"This is some high class shit."

"It's 2014. Anal is on the menu."

"Where ISN'T the bathroom?"

"I was cyberbullied within an INCH of my life last night"

“I saw your tweets and I wanted to check you out but I also wanted to respect your space”

"I am going to respect your dick later."

“You’re my lil cupcake”

“I once ate a corn on the cob. Including the cob”

"Ugh, who YELLS?"

"GET OFF THE BALLS AND GO!"

"Wanna get, like, a bunch of hot dogs?"

"Did you draw that painting?"

“You have to swipe yaas, you can’t swipe naas.”

“I fucked you in the ASS the first night we did ANYTHING. I think that’s pretty fuckin mature."

"Well aren't you a hot diggity dog and a scalawag to boot?"

"In the club, we are all family. Are you racist?"

“Welcome to Florida, America’s droopy dick”

"This is the men's room. Uh DOIIII!"

“You’re so full of shit I need a plunger."

“Thank you SO much for calling me a star”

"I'm an adult. I should be buying my own pot."

"Coat racks AREN'T for babies!"

"My biggest weakness is that I lose my purse a lot. But my biggest strength is that I always get it back."

"I like to call it jazz becomes it comes out of my horn, and you never know where it's gunna go."

"White people do that dog thing. Black people don't make out with dogs."

"Next thing you know you're pregnant with his sperm and he's sanding down your headboard shirtless."

"We are garbage people living on garbage island!"

"I didn't know you had a veneer and I'm in that mouth on a regular basis."

"I'm not putting weed up inside of me because I'm an adult and I'm responsible."

"I really think you should put your weed in your front hole."

“We’re technically homeless right now.”

"Your ass looks incredible."

"Your ass looks incredible. Your head and body too. But we all know who’s the star of the show here.”

“Who am I? Honey, I have a cyst on my uterus and I need to get fucked until it pops.”

“You want me to FaceTime from the bathroom?”

“Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother!”

“Well, you are funny.”

"Animated movies are where it's at. They're like visual crack."

"All Hollywood media is porn, and all porn is kiddie porn. We live in a rape culture. We just do."

"Who would leave weed in a wall? A weed genius. And she'd leave it there indefinitely in case of emergency."

"Isn't it nuts that pickles were cucumbers? They're the trans people of the vegetable community."

"We are an incredible team and I love you."

"Smart and sexy. She is unreal, this girl."

"I've been overeating this week."

"How DARE you LIE to your WIFE?!"

"Do I or do I not have herpes?"

"Follow your third eye--your clit."

"It's my birthday, I'M KING OF THE WORLD!"

"I mean, the female form---God's hottest creation."

"You have to respect the sanctity of the RSVP."

"Okay, something seems very locked up inside of you."

"You have a way of tainting everything I love."

"I'm gonna be like a successful artist any day now."

"Yeah, I don't wanna rise and grind anymore. I wanna rise and then like lay back down."

"It's like we knew it would happen but we didn't do anything about it."

"ADRENALINE!"

"To be honest, I'm really happy with the way I look."

"WANNA FOOK?"

"Never have I ever read a newspaper."

"This is what living on the edge looks like."

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Vampr Erik Origin

Okay so let me make a disclaimer:

I had to do a lot of research to try and create his back story in summary form. I basically learned a lot of shit that I didn’t know so with that being said, you guys can feel free to fact check me because I feel like this needs to be factual as far as the history of it goes. Also, Erik was born/reborn in an era that is very touchy. I mean, we go through crap as black people everyday but I used some very degrading words to represent how it was back in this time. If this is offensive, please feel free to let me know I will change it. I don’t want to offend or make anyone feel bad. So, here it is! This is the origin I came up with.

Erik Stevens is his alias but he was born Ricardo Dupoux. Erik was born in 1856 in New Orleans, Louisiana. Just 29 years before he became a vampire.

Erik’s mother was born in 1836. Her name was Fabiola Adonis and she is from Louisiana but her parents and family (Erik’s grandparents) are from Sainte-Dominigue which is now known as Haiti.

Erik’s father was named Jacques Dupoux. He was born in 1827 in Cuba and he migrated to Louisiana with his family when he was just four years old.

Both sides of Erik’s family originated in Sainte-Dominigue and began to migrate out during the black Haitian Revolution as free people of color. The Haitian Revolution was a successful insurrection by self-liberated slaves against French colonial rule in Saint-Domingue, now the sovereign state of Haiti. The revolt began on 22 August 1791, and ended in 1804 with the former colony's independence. It involved blacks, mulattoes, French, Spanish, and British participants—with the ex-slave Toussaint Louverture emerging as Haiti's most charismatic hero. The revolution was the only slave uprising that led to the founding of a state which was both free from slavery, and ruled by non-whites and former captives. It is now widely seen as a defining moment in the history of the Atlantic World.

Haitian Vodou, is an Afro-American religion that developed in Afro-Haitian communities amid the Atlantic slave trade between the 16th and 19th centuries. It arose through a process of syncretism between the traditional religions of West Africa and the Roman Catholic form of Christianity. Vodou is an oral tradition practiced by extended families that inherit familial spirits, along with the necessary devotional practices, from their elders. In the cities, local hierarchies of priestesses or priests (manbo and oungan), “children of the spirits” (ounsi), and ritual drummers (ountògi) comprise more formal “societies” or “congregations” (sosyete). In these congregations, knowledge is passed on through a ritual of initiation (kanzo) in which the body becomes the site of spiritual transformation. Many Vodou practitioners were involved in the Haitian Revolution which overthrew the French colonial government, abolished slavery, and formed modern Haiti. The Roman Catholic Church left for several decades following the Revolution, allowing Vodou to become Haiti's dominant religion. They referred to themselves as “serving the spirits” more so than using Voudou to refer to Haitian religion.

Jacques Doupoux and Fabiola Adonis were well respected within the Vodou community. Erik’s father was a hounsi bosale and Artisan. Hounsi is essentially a dedicated member of Vodou, an apprentice of priests. His mother, Fabiola, an Ounsi, oversaw the liturgical singing and shaking the chacha rattle which is used to control the rhythm during ceremonies. She had a voice that used to lull Erik to sleep. Jacques wanted Erik to follow in his footsteps and later become an oungan; a Vodou priest. He was born as a “child of the house” or a pititt-caye. Being an oungan provides an individual with both social status and material profit. Erik was present for his father's initiation when he was just a baby with his mother in a shared Ounfò; Vodou temple. There were four levels of initiation that Jacques Doupoux went through. That sealed Erik’s future.

The Ounfò was a basic shack in Bayou St. John. The main ceremonial space within the Ounfò is known as the peristil. brightly painted posts hold up the roof, which is often made of corrugated iron but sometimes thatched. The central one of these posts is the poto mitan or poteau mitan, which is used as a pivot during ritual dances and serves as the "passage of the spirits" by which the Loa; the spirits, enter the room during ceremonies. It is around this central post that offerings, including both vèvè and animal sacrifices, are made.

Free people of color owned the most property in Louisiana but of course, that didn’t go down in history because the whites didn’t like it. As for Erik’s family, his mother and father were free people of color that became sugar planters, for slave owners, and they also shared Haitian refining techniques to successfully granulate sugar. Erik favors his father more so than his mother, sometimes confused as his father’s younger brother.

The Colfax massacre and the Coushatta massacre happened in 1873. This sparked fear for Erik’s family and they held a certain Fete for Lwa which is a public ceremony. The drums beat, the congregation started to sing and dance for the Lwa. The Lwa came to the ceremony via possession. The Lwa prophesied, healed people, cleansed people, and blessed them and assisted them in resolving issues. Erik was 17 years old and he didn’t share this with his parents but he was running for his life from a group of white Southerners one day when he was walking the bayou of New Orleans. Erik ended up sleeping in Baton Rouge until the morning.

Erik often stays within the Ounfò, well into adult age. He became a hounsi bosale like his father, often participating as a ritual drummer or an ountògi. He would sing specific songs in Haitian Creole with some words of African languages incorporated in it. He was a Food Artisan like his mother. He admired her craftsmanship in the kitchen. Cheeses, breads, fruit preserves, cured meats, beverages, oils, and vinegars were some of her handmade specialties. This is one thing that attracted women to Erik besides his handsome features. He was Strong, tall, studly, rough around the edges and not afraid to challenge someone to a fight or a gun battle. Erik was charming, protective, heroic, funny, cocky which earned him the nickname “Big Ego Ricardo”. Erik was hard-working, religious, smart, sculpted, dependable, and an amazing lover in bed.

Long dreadlocks, whiskey-colored eyes, full, soft lips, and a smile with dimples so deep it charmed anyone. He wore fundamental ivory cotton band collar work shirts unbuttoned to show off his defined pectorals because he was proud of his body, sometimes paired the shirts with a vest, cotton brown or black knickers, riding boots, and a series of Vodou jewelry around his neck and on his fingers, some with symbols representing Papa Legba, La Sirene, Ogoun King, and Baron Samedi. During Vodou rituals, Erik would wear a cotton cloth around his head like a bandana, bare torso because of the amount of sweating he does during drumming to keep up with the dancers, Vodou symbols painted on his face to represent whichever Loa they were serving, white linen pants and bare feet.

He was obsessed with guns. He would often go down to the bayou to practice with stolen pocket pistols, shooting empty glass bottles and bean cans. He’s a protector, he did this just in case his family were in danger. The symbol of Vodou love on one of his ring fingers is what attracted his late wife, Justine LeBlanc to him when he was 27 years old. He was selling artisan bread one afternoon from an open shop window on Bourbon Street. Justine was six years younger than Erik. She was a Creole of color from Louisiana, like Erik, except her family were sent to Louisiana on slave ships from sub-Saharan Africa instead of Haiti like Erik’s family. She spoke a bit of English, and French with words from African languages. Erik spoke English and Haitian Creole with a little bit of Portuguese and Spanish.

Justine LeBlanc worked closely with Marie Laveau, who was rumored to be the granddaughter of a powerful priestess in Sainte-Dominigue, who began to dominate New Orleans Vodou that later became Louisiana Voodoo. These spiritual leaders served a racially diverse, mostly female, congregation. Weekly worship services took place in the homes of Voodoo leaders. Their sanctuaries were characterized by spectacular altars, laden with statues and pictures of the saints, candles, flowers, fruit, and other offerings. Voodoo ceremonies consisted of Roman Catholic prayers, chanting, drumming, and dancing. Vodou was brought of Haitian origin, however, the type practiced in Louisiana later in years is almost always known as Voodoo.

Erik was known to be a ladies man. He spent time flirting and fucking woman within his community. Pussy was practically thrown at him. Justine, however, changed all of that. They spent so much time together within one summer that Erik decided that he wanted to jump the broom with her which was symbolic of sweeping out of the old and sweeping in to the new to welcome a new household to the community. Justine lost her virginity to him the evening after their marriage and that’s when they started having children. Erik has two young twin girls; Rose Fabiola Dupoux and Felicie Ines Dupoux. After that, Justine couldn’t conceive anymore which she was often depressed about. Erik wanted to be fruitful because his mother came down very ill when he was five and she couldn’t conceive either. It was either her life or her ovaries so she had them removed.

Despite everything going on in America with slavery and racism, Erik; Ricardo, lived a happy life. He was feared and respected, a following of close male friends were like his comrades. They had his back, Erik had theirs. That all didn’t last very long. In June of 1884, when Erik was just 28 years old, things began to make a turn for the worst. Erik’s father, Jacques Dupoux, was lynched. With the 1880s dawning, a new era of violence ensued. White supremacy represented a central tenant of their platform and led to even greater levels of violence as they tried to reverse the advances made for African Americans during Reconstruction. They capitalized on rumors that black crime had expanded after the abolition of slavery. As a result, the number of lynchings soared across the South and hundreds of lives were being taken. Lynch mobs often justified their actions as attempts to defend white Southern womanhood from “libidinous” black males.

This angered Erik, causing him to gather a following of men who also lost family. Erik led the revolt to fight back white supremacy. They attached about 15 homes and killed between 55 to 60 whites throughout Louisiana. They also arrived on a local sugar and cotton plantation that often sought help from Erik’s own family for harvesting sugar cane. The revolt and about 20 slaves burned the plantation to the ground but that wasn’t before they hacked the entire family to death. Erik was made public enemy number one. His face was on wanted posters throughout the South but he was depicted wearing a scarf around his mouth and nose. Of course with Erik’s actions, some of his family and friends suffered. Vodou rituals were invaded and the members slaughtered. Marie Leveau and her following were protected but not Erik’s lineage.

Ricardo Dupoux AKA Erik Stevens returned home after successfully burning down another plantation and killing the entire family, including the children, execution style in 1886. Marie Laveau warned Justine that Erik was dangerous and he would endanger her and the children if she stayed with them. Marie instructed Justine to bring her something that belonged to Erik, something sentimental. Justine brought her Erik’s father’s ring that he wore around his neck. Marie performed a ritual that later informed Justine that Erik was in grave danger and this life as Ricardo Dupoux would soon come to a bloody, gory, gruesome ending. Marie told Justine that she couldn’t interfere because that could possibly go badly. Justine had to keep that big secret to herself to protect her children no matter how much she loved and adored Erik.

Erik wasn’t himself anymore. He became this angry, rude, vengeful man that killed without a backwards glance. He also turned to what is said to be evil magic in Vodou. Instead of becoming an Oungan, Erik became a Bokor and an occultist. A Bokor is a Vodou witch for hire who is said to serve the loa “with both hands”, practicing for both good and evil. Their black magic includes the creation of zombies and the creation of ‘ouangas’ talismans that house spirits. Bloods are usually chosen from birth but Erik was instead initiated in. He found the spirits, the orisha’s the Eruziles, not a priest in the flesh. The whites kept crossing the line in a spiritual and physical sense, it became Erik’s right to protect himself and his family with curses and hexes.

Erik caused moderate to severe suffering to those he seeked revenge on by hexing them and also using dark charms such as curses, the most heinous act on an individual; the worst kind of dark magic. He performed blood maledictions, a specific type of curse that may not kill the target but can remain within the victim's body, and be passed down as a genetic defect that can resurface generations later. Erik would inflict intense, excruciating pain on his victims, poison them, and cause flames called Move Dife which means “bad fire”, an enormous flame infused with dark magic to seek out living targets. Fabiola and Justine were afraid and they didn’t support Erik’s new choices. The light she saw in her son was indeed gone. He was of greatest fear within his community and within the Southern white community.

How did Erik meet his demise?

It happened in June of 1888, five months before Erik’s 33rd birthday. The White league and the Ku Klux Klan had been deactivated since the 1870s but some members worked closely together to hunt down and kill Ricardo Dupoux, soon to be known as Erik Stevens. He decided to use Erik Stevens as an alias since his name was so well known in Louisiana where he lived. No one besides the people close to him knew how his face looked since he wore it covered but his name however was remembered. If things didn’t go as planned for him and he needed to flee with his Mother, Wife, and children, he could have his name changed to Erik Stevens. A trusted friend named Augusto Richard’s wife named Beatrice Richard and her five children were held at gunpoint in their home. They found out where Augusto lives and used that as they way of finding Ricardo.

From what they tell him, Augusto’s family will be freed if he agrees to help the Southern white men capture and kill Ricardo Dupoux. At first, Augusto declined and said that Ricardo is a trusted friend of his. They punished him by beating his wife and threatened to hang her from a structure similar to a gallow. Augusto finally gives in, joining forces with the evil white men in exchange for his family's protection. Ricardo and Augusto have been friends since they were children. Augusto was sort of a co-planner with Ricardo to attack white supremacy and racists homes along with plantations. Augusto fabricated a new place to attack, suggesting that him and Ricardo go alone this time. Ricardo agreed without hesitation because he trusted Augusto. They arrived by horse outside of New Orleans near Maurepas Swamp……..

_______________

“Augusto...poukisa nou is it la?” Ricardo asked Augusto in Haitian Creole why they were there. He didn’t like speaking English just in case he was overheard. Ricardo’s eyes squinted suspiciously around him before he cut his eyes that looked black in the dark at Augusto.

“Mwen regrèt, frè,” Augusto spoke with a shaky voice, tears flooding his eyes. He told Ricardo that he was sorry.

Ricardo pulls out his pistol, aiming it at the shadows of the trees. He couldn’t believe he was being set up by someone that is supposed to be his friend. Ricardo told his wife and mother that he would be home safely and for them not to worry. He couldn’t trust anyone now. If he got out of this alive, he was going to cut ties with his followers.

“Well, well, well...look what we got here, a nigger with a gun!!”

Ricardo follows the source of that thick southern accent echoing in the night and finds a white man standing behind him with a gun pointed at his temple.

“Drop it, boy, or I will splatter this here swamp with ya monkey brains,” He threatened while making his gun click. Ricardo could see out of his peripheral more white men stepping out of the shadows. The moon light made the weapons in their hands shine.

“Listen to him nigger!!!” One yelled.

“AIN'T SO TOUGH NOW!!!” Another yelled while a series of laughter came soon after.

“Listen, I know ya can speak English, boy. Ya friend here told us everything. How ya niggers get a hold of books I wouldn’t understand,” He laughs before spitting in his face, “I’m gonna enjoy killing ya, just like ya enjoyed killing my friends ya fucking animal. This is how we’re gonna celebrate the ending of slavery...we’re gonna gut ya, and then we’re gonna throw ya filthy dead fucking body in the swamp so the gators can finish ya.”

The foul breath of this white man would have made Ricardo puke if it wasn’t for the gun pointed at him.

“Hey, Jenson, pass me my knife!” He yells, “I wanna Kill this one slowly.”

Like a swarm of stinky flies, the white men crowded Ricardo, some kicking him in his ribs, others in his face, bloodying him up. Ricardo didn’t drop to his knees willingly, he took each and every blow like a champion, even when his vision blurred from the blood trickling from a gash in his head from being pistol whipped. Augusto stood watching the entire thing. He was Disgusted with himself for allowing it to happen.

“Should we kill his wife? His mama? His little girls?!!!!” One of them punched him in the face while two men on each side kept him still since he’s so damn strong. It was almost inhumanly strong.

“AUGUSTO OU FUKIN TRÈT!!!” Ricardo yelled, before spitting out blood on the dirt covered ground. He called Augusto a fucking traitor, “Mwen gen yon fanmi! ti bebe mwen yo! ti bebe mwen yo! ou trèt!” Ricardo growled angrily with his deep fearful voice. He could only think about his family right now. What if some of these men were watching his house right now? They definitely were plotting something besides beating the living shit out of him in the swap.

“Kick this nigger down!!! It’s six of you and one of him!!!!”

A blow struck Ricardo’s spine so hard he felt it snap. He was on his stomach, his cheek hitting the dirt painfully. One foot was placed to the back of his head while angry tears fell from his eyes.

“Any last words? And say it in English before I slice your goddamn tongue off,” The man with the boot to his head spoke harshly.

Ricardo clenched his jaw while breathing in the dirt. He didn’t want to give them the satisfaction, however, the asshole in him wanted to toy with them.

“...Which one of ya is da father of Helen Landry?” He asks.

It was silent for a second until the boot on the back of his head was gone, being replaced with a hand yanking him by his dreads, lifting his head from the ground. Ricardo smiles smugly, his bloody smile almost as sinister as the blood from the gash in his head flooding his eyes.

“Let me ax ya something...are ya the reason my little Helen is dying? Doctor says she only has three days left...ya poison my little girl with ya voodoo magic?”

“I CURSED ya little girl with my Vodou magic…” Ricardo spits his blood in his face, “And if I were ya, I would go check on her, Doctors don’t always tell da truth.”

Augusto flinched when he witnessed Ricardo being kicked in the face. His jaw had to be broken now. He was being lifted off of the ground again, a sharp whimper of pain escaping his mouth. His feet gave out beneath him and now he was being dragged. His chest and abs were covered in dirt just like his handsome, swollen, and bloody face. His busted lip drooped and leaked blood while his groggy voice tried to form sentences. The men laughed at him but all Ricardo did was look at Augusto with unblinking eyes, one of which displayed broken vessels.

“Anything else ya got to say, nigger?”

The source of the voice didn’t matter to Ricardo. All he kept thinking about was his family and how he failed them. His father was probably ashamed. Ricardo looked towards the sky. If only he could call on Baron Samedi or Maman Brigette. He wasn’t in the safety of his Ounfò either. He could only hope that at this moment his mother, Fabiola, was summoning the spirits.

“Guess not, hold him down.”

With a dull, jagged knife, Ricardo was stabbed in his stomach. He felt like he was punched. The impact pushed him back a little and he wheezed. A tearing sensation and a noise followed. The pain took a while to kick but he could feel the blood trickling. When it was finally withdrawn, he felt something hot and cold at the same time, pulling the skin with it as it's removed. Ricardo’s cry was a brilliant sound to them, guttural chokes mixed with an agonized roar. His fists clenched and shook each time his skin was being torn to shreds. The knife rotated and the sound of his muscles and nerves being gouged growing louder. Then, without warning, the white man jerked it all the way into his stomach, until the shiny metal had disappeared inside him and the black handle was pushing against his broken skin.

“Die Coon!!!” They yelled in unison before celebrating with loud hoots.

“Look at him choking! This ugly motherfucker is bleeding out! Let’s take him to the water!”

Ricardo could feel his body falling to the ground. His hand clutched his wound but blood seeped between his fingers. He felt weak, his eyes opening and closing. Augusto stood there spewing apology after apology while crying hysterically.

“As for ya,” the white man that stabbed Ricardo multiple times drops his knife in the dirt, reaches in his back pocket with his bloody, cut up hand and pulled out a gun, “what? Did ya really think we were gonna let ya go free? Ya just another disgusting nigger too, and ya nigger bitch, ya nigger kids? Dem dead too.”

Ricardo watched with low eyes while Augusto took his last breath before being shot in the head, point blank range.

“Wastin’ all dese good bullets,” the white man pocketed his gun again, “Hall em’ up! Let’s take em’ swimming!”

_____________

Crowded tabletops with tiny flickering lamps; stones sitting in oil baths; a crucifix; murky bottles of roots and herbs steeped in alcohol; shiny new bottles of rum, scotch, gin, perfume, and almond-sugar syrup. On one side was an altar arranged in three steps and covered in gold and black contact paper. On the top step an open pack of filterless Pall Malls lay next to a cracked and dusty candle in the shape of a skull. A walking stick with its head carved to depict a huge erect penis leaned against the wall beside it. On the opposite side of the room was a small cabinet, its top littered with vials of powders and herbs. On the ceiling and walls of the room were baskets, bunches of leaves hung to dry, and smoke-darkened lithographs.

This is where Ricardo Dupoux rested upon a makeshift bed surrounded by oil burning candles. A sulfurous rotten-egg smell that is often associated with marshes and mudflats occupies the room. His entire body ached and the sharp pain prickled his scalp. Licking his dry lips with his equally dry tongue, Ricardo tried looking around with his sore eyes but the discomfort caused him to close them. It felt damp and gloomy around him, clearly nothing is quite what it seems to be. Ricardo could feel a powerful energy surrounding him, if only he could move his body. A few rickety floorboards creaked like someone was sneaking up on him and it made Ricardo jumpy. He wasn’t physically able to help himself.

“Ricardo Dupoux, ki sa yon sipriz bèl eh?”

A seductive voice of a woman spoke to him in Haitian Creole. This wasn’t a pleasant surprise exactly.

“Kiyes ou ye?” His voice was so hoarse and his throat felt raw.

“Who muh? Well...I’m yuh rescuer of course, handsome.”

“Kisa...ki kote sa a?” Ricardo coughs painfully. He could taste blood in the back of his throat.

“Well, don’t Yuh sound sexy speaking deh Creole to Mama Dalma. Yuh in muh shack, Ricardo.”

“Mama Dalma? Prètès Vodou a?” He spoke with astonishment.

“So, muh assumin’ yuh heard stories about muh from way back when...what else do yuh know bout’ me?”

“...Nothing.” He finally speaks English.

“Yuh know so much about muh voodoo mystic powers in the Caribbean 175 years ago…I’m honored.”

Finally, standing above his shell of a body was Tia Dalma herself. Tia Dalma was a practitioner of voodoo, a hoodoo priestess with fathomless powers that was perceived as a legend. Supposedly, she has uncanny powers to foretell the future, to summon up demons, and to look deep into men’s souls. She’s mysterious and beautiful with delicate patterns accentuating her hypnotic eyes, long but slender dreadlocks like him, deep melanin skin so smooth and unblemished, and lips painted black. She wore a sheer black dress that showed off her nudity beneath it, so many curves that looked delicious, and a mystical necklace dangling between her small breasts. Ricardo could feel her seductive energy enticing him into a tangled net. She playfully giggles while stroking Ricardo’s bare, sweaty chest with her long black nail flirtatiously.

“Poor baby, him carve yuh up?” She spoke with her Jamaican Patois. Mama Dalma looks Ricardo up and down like she wanted to mount him. She was so happy she couldn’t hide her beautiful smile.

“Did ya heal me, Mama Dalma? I thought I was gon’ die by a white man’s hand.”

“I’ve seen yuh fight big brawla, I’ve seen yuh cap a shot, I’m impressed wit’ yuh...haven’t seen a man deh brave in a while...queng dem white boys.”

“...ya been watching me?” He squints his whiskey colored eyes,“who ya for ya to be watching me?”

“Mhm, I been watching yuh, handsome...It’s because I want to save yuh...give yuh a better life than this.”

Ricardo was shivering, his skin pale and cool, difficulty breathing, mentally confused, and his blood pressure kept dropping. His chest was rapidly moving from breathing too fast, heart rate beating so fast it was almost painful, and he felt like he was running a fever.

“Easy nuh, yuh going into septic shock.” She takes her hand to pet his dreaded hair like a baby with the back of her hand.

“W-what?” His lips trembled. He was numb.

“Awoah. Muh herbes are keeping yuh stable but if I take deh herbes away...yuh die.”

Ricardo closes his eyes.

“Unless...yuh have two options, handsome.”

“One’s that I should trust? How do I know ya not poisoning me? Hm?”

“I’m gonna ignore deh...here are yuh options. Yuh can stay here on muh table and die slowly...or I can give yuh immortality.”

“Imòtalite? Baron Samedi?” He almost choked on his own spit from trying to speak.

“Better than the power of a Loa...yuh be immortal until meeting deh true death. Yuh have superhuman physical abilities, senses, flight, and healing.”

“What power is dat?” Ricardo’s eyes are glossy. He didn’t have much time. Mama Dalma was cunning, she could have healed him with her voodoo but what’s better? Healing him with the possibility of him dying again or turning him into what she became 175 years ago back in her little shack in a tree in Cuba, hanging onto her last breath. Ricardo was perfect in every way and she wanted to walk the earth with someone close to her...someone attractive and strong.

“Yuh ain’t got much time...make a decision, Ricardo Dupoux,” Tia strokes his face, “It could all be yours…”

Ricardo’s eyelids fluttered before he nodded his head. Anything to stay alive. Anything to get revenge. If he was going to come back stronger and immortal, he could wipe out every single one of them. He needed to get off of that table. Mama Dalma was convincing. Maybe it was her magic that persuaded him but none of that mattered.

“I’m glad Yuh agreed.”

Sharp, fangs extended from her teeth while she looked at him excitedly with hungry eyes. She came down on Ricardo with superhuman speed like a blur, causing his eyes to grow wide with surprise. It was almost painless, more like a pinprick considering how his body felt at the moment. The sharp points sank into his flesh like a knife to soft butter. His body twitched as his blood pooled around the back of his head, dripping to the floor of the shack and seeping between the wood. He started feeling even more woozy and lightheaded. She was really applying pressure with her fangs. He could feel his body going cold and then it felt as if his soul had left his body. Ricardo didn’t know how long this went on but it felt like forever.

Mama Dalma retracts her fangs, lifting her face from the crook of his neck slowly before staring down at Ricardo with her enchanting eyes. Her fangs pop out again and now she bites her own wrist before placing it over Ricardo’s mouth. He hesitated at first but Mama Dalma opened his mouth for him. Ricardo tasted his own blood before from his busted lip or if his gums were bleeding. He even tasted blood during a sacrifice at a Vodou ritual. It was vile with a salty metallic taste. However, Mama Dalma’s blood was surprisingly sweet, and scrumptious. Just that small amount dripping on his tongue gave him the effects of alcohol consumption.

“Deh is enough, Ricardo,” She tells him, “Ricardo...deh is enough.” She says with a more stern voice.

Ricardo wraps his hand around her wrist, applying pressure to keep it there. He could feel his body changing for the better already. Her blood...he couldn’t stop. He grunted, growled, and moaned from the taste. His tongue swiped her wrist and his own teeth tried to bite her for more but he was still so weak.

“Ricardo, deh is ENOUGH, no more!!!!!”

Mama Dalma yanked her wrist away speedily, her eyes staring down at her wound healing before her. She gave Ricardo a cold look, one that has him wishing he would have listened.

“When I tell yuh to stop, yuh listen,” She spoke with a spiteful tongue.

“It was so good,” Ricardo spoke with a weakened voice, “I want m-more.”

“Soon, muh child…” Mama Dalma kisses his lips, “Now we go to rest,” Mama Dalma wraps her arms around Ricardo and then with her superhuman speed they were out of her shack and laying in a dug up ditch. The soil was cold against Ricardo’s back. Mama Dalma places him in a wooden coffin, the moonlight creating a halo around her. His eyes drooped shut and he could feel his body shutting down like his organs were no longer working. Mama Dalma crawled into the coffin with him, resting her head on his chest and wrapping a single leg around his waist.

“When yuh wake, muh child, yuh will be Erik Stevens now...Ricardo Douboux died tonight.”

Mama Dalma kissed his cold cheek before she shut the coffin so they could finally rest until tomorrow night when Erik Stevens will finally be immortal.

[ma-gic-gay]

So this is a new one of these and the other one is probably over so yeah

It's a weird Christmas.

It marks a year since anyone last saw Sonny, a year since Julian's death, and a year full of drama, as one would expect.

Michael and Willow had had another child, a girl this time. Her name was Ophelia and Wiley loved being a big brother to her. The pair had also burned their annulment papers when they'd realized she was pregnant and finally admitted their feelings for each other. Watching them together had probably been the highlight of the year for their family.

Sam had started hooking up with Dante much to the chagrin of, well, everyone. It had started as a few random hookups but changed quickly into an actual relationship, testing several familial bonds.

Luckily, that disaster on wheels had been halted when Lulu had woken up from her coma. Lulu and Dante got back together and fell in love, again.

Sasha and Brando had formed a relationship as well, which was quite a surprise at first glance but made sense after a few weeks.

"Carly? You okay?" Jason asks. Surprisingly enough, she hadn't completely broke down yet, or ran away. The furthest she'd ran was the island and even then, it was only a few hours no one knew where she was, since he couldn't teleport and it took that long to get to the island.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking," she responds, faking a smile.

"Tell that to the tears in your eyes and obviously fake smile," he says to her. "What are you thinking about?"

"It's been a year since any of us have heard from Sonny. For all we know, he's dead. Hell, he probably is. I know I should give up and just agree to a funeral, but it feels wrong to do that without a body," Carly sighs, head in her hands in an effort to hide her tears. "It feels wrong for him to not be here. Last Christmas, we were convinced he'd be home by now and now it's like we've all resigned ourselves to him being dead."

"If it doesn't feel right to have a funeral, don't have one. I've known you for a long time, and your instincts are right a lot of the time. Just because Sonny's not confirmed dead doesn't mean he's not," Jason frowns, putting his arm around her and rubbing circles along her back.

Sonny's "death" meant he had to step up in more ways than one. This had marked the year of Jason running the mob, which he'd practically been doing before but was actually doing now. He'd also had to become sort of a surrogate husband to Carly to the point he practically lives there by now. The kids hadn't questioned it; they'd asked a few times if there was anything going on there but after getting a firm no there hadn't been anything else from them in forms of questioning their relationship status. It was what it was and that was the same friendship they'd always had.

There had been times even Danny had questioned why they were at that house so much, to the point he once asked Carly if they were together or not.

You know it's reaching an odd point when a twelve year old is asking if you're in love with your best friend.

Of course, they didn't take into consideration the fact the whole town thought they were together. Again. Everyone had assumed, based off of how much time they'd been spending together- surprisingly more than normal- and the fact that he'd all but moved into the house that they were together.

That was a fun one to realize when he'd gotten shot and everyone had assured her that her boyfriend would be fine.

It just wasn't happening, they were friends. Anything more could complicate it and complicated almost always meant that there would be fights they couldn't go to each other to uncomplicate.

"I know that, but I just don't want to live knowing that there's a chance he could be alive somewhere and he's been kidnapped or forgotten his name or something. It's like I'm stuck in this neverending circle where there's barely any hope but I can't pretend there's none either. Sometimes, I wish that the police would show up with a body and I would have to confirm that yes, he is dead, just so that I could get out of this loop," Carly sobs. "And then I feel terrible for wishing he was dead because I love him, you know, but then at the same time, I can't help but feel like I need closure."

"That's not a bad thing, to need closure. None of us get any closure when it comes to this, Carly. You're not a bad person for wanting some," he reminds her. "You've been grieving for a year a man you don't even know for sure is dead. It doesn't make you bad to want to have something definite."

"But wanting my husband dead? That's dark," she argues with him.

"You want to know if he's dead or alive, something to confirm what's happened to him. I hate to break it to you but you don't qualify as a terrible person," Jason chuckles. "You've never killed someone, never hurt a kid."

"I shot a dude in open court, I almost killed AJ. I've done a lot of questionable things in my life, Jason," Carly fights back.

She's not wrong, persay, but she's not right. "That stuff doesn't make you a bad person. Morally grey? Yes. Bad? No. You do what you think is best and you're impulsive. If something's not going your way, you'll tip the scales. It's just how you are. None of that makes you a bad person. Some people might not like it, but you've never killed someone or hurt a kid, so in my book you're a good person."

Carly's head comes out of her hands for a minute and he smiles, wiping away the tears. "Well you're not a bad person either. You'd never hurt a kid and you only kill in self defense or if the person's really bad and threatening someone you care about. It's not like you wake up and go kill someone for shits and giggles. You mourn the people you kill and feel bad about it. Only a purely horrible person wouldn't feel bad about their murders."

"Neither of us are bad people, let's just agree on that at least."

"Fine," she relents finally. That only took a year. "I miss Sonny. Especially this time of year. Last year, he read Donna and Avery the Grinch and he had the world's worst Grinch voice. I practically begged him to read another book because of how bad it was. But this year, I wish he would be able to read it to them."

"I miss him too," Jason admits. "It's been a hell of a year without him."

"That it has. So much has changed," she agrees with him, shifting her position on the couch so she's lying her head on his lap.

That's probably why the kids thought they were dating.

He plays with her hair as she laughs, remembering some obscure detail about his telling of the Grinch and decorating for Christmas.

Scratch that, this is definitely why everyone thinks they're together.

"Hey Mom, Jason," Joss greets them, coming in from the kitchen. "I'm going to Trina's. Donna's with Ophelia at the Quartermaine's and Avery's with Ava."

"Alright sweetie, have fun," Carly bids her daughter goodbye, sighing. "Why is she so adult now? I mean, I can remember when she was born and it feels like yesterday. Hell, Michael's birth feels like yesterday. And they're both so grown up."

"Time flies when you're having fun," he answers.

"Where'd you get that? A throw pillow or some advice of my mother's?"

"A card someone sent me back when I was in the hospital. Needless to say, that card got tossed in the trash as soon as you'd let me stand up to go to the trash."

"Who the hell sent that to you of all people?"

"No clue. It didn't have a name attached."

"Huh. Well, it's a terrible expression. Too throw pillow. The real answer would be that we're aging, sadly," Carly sighs again, equally as dramatic. "Granted, I still look like I'm 27, but somehow I've aged."

"Age is but a number."

"You sound like a Hallmark card."

"Rude."

"You do!"

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm aging as well. You're not in this whole getting old thing alone. Provided, of course, that you agree to age," he smirks.

"I don't have anything better to do, sadly, so I suppose I'll agree to getting older. But I refuse to have a gray hair."

"Then go to the salon when you notice one and dye your hair."

"I plan on it," the blonde smiles at him before changing the topic. "Do you think we're weird?"

"That came out of nowhere."

"Answer the question."

"No?"

"That sounded like a question."

"Carly, how am I supposed to answer this one? I don't know, maybe?" Jason says, though most of it comes out as a question.

"Well, I mean, think of it. Sonny's been presumed dead for a year. You've been in charge of the business and been there for all of us in more ways than I can count. Seriously, I think Donna sees you as a father," Carly chuckles. "And you've listened to me crying and losing it. Hell, you spent a month and a half at the island just so I wouldn't be alone."

"Hey, you're family. I was happy to do all of those things. Besides, you wouldn't leave my side when I got shot. Or for a very long month after that," he jokes.

"I know but you didn't have to do that. You didn't have to step up and parent the kids. You already had Danny and Scout and the breakup with Sam to deal with, that's a lot at once. Not to mention, taking over the business and grieving Sonny. And dealing with me. All at the same time," she smiles. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, but you had no obligation to do any of that."

"Carly, do you think I'd be here right now if I didn't want to? You know me better than that. I love you and the kids and want to be there for all of you. So far, I've only gotten shot once and that was unrelated, so I'd consider this a pretty good experience."

The blonde scoffs at him and he chuckles. "Not funny. You could've died."

Rolling his eyes, he reminds her, "I didn't."

"Well you're not allowed to get shot for a long time."

"I'll take getting shot off of my to do list."

"Don't you dare joke about this!"

"Alright. Look at me. I'm not going to die anytime soon. I promise. It takes a lot more than a measly bullet to kill me, after all. Not even Russian madmen could do it," he says seriously.

"Good. Because if you do that to me again, I'll have no choice but to resign myself to a life in either prison or Ferncliff," she says half seriously, getting a laugh out of Jason.

It's not entirely unrealistic she'd end up in one of those positions, especially given that it's already happened. Repeatedly.

Maybe there's a sign she should stop doing dangerous things.

Almost as though she's being told to by something inside her, Carly connects her lips with his.

to be continued

why do i get myself into these things smh

[kaspbrak-tozier-reddie]

“And They Were Soulmates?” - Reddie

I’m rewriting this into a Reddie Oneshot.

Warnings: swearing, slight homophobia mentions

Requests are open.———————————————————————

After the phone call with Mike, Eddie immediately looks down at his wrist, not really caring about how bad his car is. He can’t remember why his wrist is so important but it must’ve been a long time ago. Much like the cut section of his cast that he refused to part with. Eddie is finally brought back to his senses by someone tapping his shoulder, “I need your details, for insurance purposes,” the man who was driving the taxi, says.

“Oh right, yes of course,” Eddie replies. He eventually looks at the damage he had caused only minutes ago, both inner sides of the cars are smashed. “Fuck!”

“Yeah, ‘fuck’ indeed.” Eddie quickly gave the law-abiding driver, his details and walked to the subway, not wanting to watch his SUV get towed away. The closer he gets to the subway, the more he thinks about Myra. She was going to take him to the emergency room for sure, ‘you may have a concussion, Eddie-bear’. Eddie shudders at the thought.

His eyes flick to his wrist as it heats up, it’s only in a small spot, centred on the side, in line with his pinky. Why doe it burn? Why does he remember it burning 24 years ago?

****

He walks up the stairs from the station and makes a beeline for the apartment complex that was just up the road. It’s like a sprint, almost like he’s desperate to get in and out and back into the ‘safety’ of Derry, his home, the place he loved?

Eddie stops, he looks up at the stairs, leading to his apartment, he can’t bring himself to walk up the stair. He feels as though someone was keeping him grounded, unable to move from his spot on the sidewalk. Derry? Home. Derry? Richie. Richie? Why does that name sound so familiar? 

Small memories started to file in and Eddie knows he has to go back, he has to go back for Richie. Richie? There it is again! 

“Eddie-bear! There you are!” Myra exclaims joyfully as she embraces her husband. “I thought you left me!”

“Now why would I do that?” Eddie replies, he tries to die down his obvious fake tone and must’ve been successful as Myra skips away to the kitchen. “Um, Myra, I have a work conference that I must go to tomorrow. It’s two hours out and is only going on for a few days.”

“Okay! I’ll come!” 

“No!” It comes out harsher than he intended, and both wince. “No, it’s only workers, it’s just me and two other men going.” Myra sighs and nods. “I’ll need to leave in like two hours.” He hates it when she does this, it was almost like she hated the idea of him leaving. How he didn’t pick up on it soon, he didn’t know. It’s a smothering type of relationship and he can’t take it but he doesn’t want to hurt her.

“Oh, but I made your favourite.” The pungent smell of burnt spaghetti bolognese gets stronger and Myra removes the lid off the pot. Spaghetti? I never liked spaghetti but why do I like spaghetti?

He continues to think about his life choices since leaving Derry as he walks to the bedroom he shares with his wife. “Eddie Spaghetti.” Eddie mutters, “that’s why I always watch Trashmouth! He was my - “ Friend? No. Best friend? No. 

Two thoughts left and Eddie can’t bring himself to even think like that, so he shakes the thoughts. It’s impossible, he has a wife who he loves? Why am I fucking questioning this? 

He doesn’t bother to fold his clothes, just shoving everything he can into his suitcases. He grabs his toiletry bag and his old fanny pack that he hasn’t touched in 2 decades, still packed to the brim of old medication that he refuses to take. Just as he is about to walk out the door, he looks down at his hand. 

The wedding ring. 

He always thought it looked funny. It never sat right, it was slightly big but wasn’t big enough to fall off his finger. It was gold, he wanted a black silvery band but Myra wanted matching bands. Eddie always wanted to have sex but Myra always claimed it was dirty and a “sin”, even though they are married. How would we even reproduce? Eddie often wondered, he always thought about having kids. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie mutters and leaves his ring on the side table as well as a quickly scribbled note and finally drags his two suitcases down the hall and out the front to hail a taxi.

***

The flight over, Eddie has time to rethink everything. He pulls open his laptop and quickly sends a few emails regarding divorce and needing to update some forms. It may be too soon but Eddie knows that it isn’t. As he tries to think back to that Summer 27 years ago, he remembers yelling at his mother. Everything that Myra had done, it wasn’t healthy and Eddie laughs quietly to himself. I married my fucking mother! 

The drugs and the little cuts and bruises and believing he needs to go to the hospital for stitches and medications to stop the bruises from forming. Leaving his mother in Derry made him forget everything he had done to prevent from being a hypochondriac and now he still is. He isn’t sick, he gets that, he never had asthma or weird illnesses that he had never heard of. 

He opens Netflix and plugs in his headphones, he searches for Richie Tozier’s Netflix Special. Even though there’s only an hour left in the 2-hour flight, he still plays it. It’s obvious from the start that the jokes aren’t his, they were homophobic and nowhere near as dirty as they used to be. The humour was restrained and dry, only heckles and coughs were heard, no applause or laughs. It breaks Eddie’s heart, he isn’t sure why. 

Sure he remembers the Losers and they had a friendship, a strong bond held by IT and bullying by Bowers’ gang, but Stan and Bill were two out of his three closest friends. Richie seems different and Eddie can’t put his finger on it. He tries to dig in his mind, staring at Richie’s tall figure on stage. 

Richie was a comedian back in the day, think Eddie, what makes this so different to when we were kids?

“Would you like one from me too, Mrs K?” Richie had asked just before he, Eddie and Bill had gone somewhere, the Barrens? Sewer?

Crap!

Richie always made Eddie the butt of the joke or made dick jokes. 

The burning on his wrist reappears, this time the skin where it burns starts to turn red. Eddie immediately covers it, trying to conceal the area from the open. It didn’t hurt this much the last time, Eddie recalls, it must have something to do with Derry.

****

As he drives past the ‘Welcome to Derry’ sign, the hairs on his neck stand up straight, goosebumps start to rise on his arms. The strange and uncomfortable feeling of being watched looms over him, he passes the cemetery, almost veering off the road as he catches a glimpse of a fluffy red hair and a white clown suit. “It’s just your mind playing tricks on you, Eds.” Eddie tries to reason with himself. “I hate being called that.” It rolls off his tongue, just like ‘Eds’. 

Who called me that? I liked it though but said I hated it. 

Hatred and frustration washes over him, he doesn’t want to be back in the homophobic town. He couldn’t, even as an adult, he didn’t want to fathom what the town would do if they found out he was gay. 

Gay?

Crap!

No wonder why his marriage felt loveless, he wasn’t attracted to her! Or women in general. He was and still is attracted to men, well one man ... Richard Tozier.

*

He finally makes it to the Chinese restaurant but stays in his car for a few minutes to compose himself, not wanting to have a full-on panic attack during dinner. Aside from the killer clown returning to Derry, it was meant to be a happy reunion, a way to catch up with the other 6 survivors of Pennywise. 

Eddie huffs and pulls himself out of his car and carries himself towards the restaurant. “Reservation for Michael Hanlon,” Eddie says to the waitress, who then leads him to a reserved table where two familiar faces stand. “Mike? Bill?” 

“Eddie!?” Mike exclaims, racing over and hugging Eddie, Bill kind of stands awkwardly. 

“Bill!” Eddie exclaims and hugs the horror writer. 

*

Not even 10 minutes later, 3 others walk in and a gong goes off. Eddie catches the eye of the tall comedian, he watches the dark curls falling over the glasses, the way his jack clung to his broad shoulders. The burning sensation, that Eddie has been experiencing for the past day, starts to burn deeper and Eddie sees his skin form black bold letters. As he looked down, black inked appeared, ‘R.T’ was written. 

Did I ever tell Richie? Or did I cover it up like I did with my sexuality?

“Did your soulmate’s initials fade when you left too?” Beverly asks as they all sat down to eat.

“Mine just came back,” Eddie replies. “It started burning when I got the call from Mike.”

“Mine never left, still says S.U,” Mike replies. Mike knows that Stan was happily married to Patricia and would never want to get in between them, sure he may never find anyone else but he likes being alone, in that sense at least. He loves having friends but doesn’t mind being alone relationship wise.

“Did you ever tell Stan!?” Bill asks and Mike shook his head. “Well, I got my soulmate.” That meant that Bill and Audra ... ? Eddie feels himself deflating.

“Mine faded too,” Ben says.

“Same,” Richie finally says just as he winces in pain and looks down at his wrist. “Shit.”

“Show us, boys!” Bev pipes up reaching over at both Eddie and Richie. Richie shrugged and reached over to Bev, Eddie followed. “OH MY GOD! Guys!” Ben, Mike and Bill gathers around Bev and looked between Eddie and Richie’s wrists. 

“OH DAMN!” Ben squeals and clamps a hand over his mouth in embarrassment. Richie grabs Eddie’s wrist, his eyes widen.

“Eds ...” Richie whispers. Eddie shakes his head as a warning and flips Richie’s wrist round he looks down at his wrist and sees the ‘E.K’. 

This shouldn’t be possible, his mother always told him that you couldn’t get an initial for someone of the same gender. Then again, she and the majority of the town were homophobic. Those thoughts are out of date now, being part of the LGBTQ+ community is accepted now, Eddie should have no fear. His mother is dead and he is planning at finally divorcing his wife.

Eddie looks into Richie’s eyes and remembers all the good times the two had shared. It was a type of love that Eddie never got from his mother or Myra, it wasn’t forced and he was able to be who he wanted to be. He could be a normal teenager who shouldn’t need to be scared of any health risks. 

All the times Richie climbed in through his window, all the times he had snuck in through Richie’s window. The hammock? The hammock, he used to argue with Richie just so he could squeeze into the hammock with him.

“I’m still married, Richie. Until the divorce papers go through,” Eddie whispers. Richie didn’t seem to care and still kissed Eddie; both had waited 27 years for this to happen and didn’t want to wait any longer.

“Eds, I fucked your mom,” Richie whispers against Eddie’s soft and now swollen pink lips.

“BEEP, FUCKING BEEP, RICHARD!” Eddie groans. “Of course you had to ruin it!” 

“I’m not even sorry, Eddie Spaghetti.”

That’s why he ‘likes’ spaghetti! One of the many nicknames that Richie gave him. ‘Eds’ he secretly loved but if he said anything, the others would call him that. ‘Eddie Spaghetti’ he absolutely hated! It was cringy and annoying, it was a means of Richie calling him cute and pinching his cheeks.

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie says. “You know i hate it when you call me that.”

“How about ‘babe’, Eduardo?” Eddie blushes, he couldn’t help it. There’s a fire inside of him that he hasn’t felt in almost 30 years and he loves it.

Eddie puts his arm up on the table, signalling for an arm wrestle. “Just like the old days.” Eddie whispers.

“Amen to that.” Richie chuckles. Their competitiveness never left, both needing to assert dominance. It had been like that for years and now was no different.

[juminsmysticmc]

Hi can i have a request :RFA +V+Saeran react to Mc when they find out she's just 17-18 yrs and she helped them go through a lot of complicated problem in their route and she doesn't seem like teenager and it makes them shocked?. Like u know, all the issues in MM is like related to serious problem like suicide, abusive, adult life, etc... and it needs the help of professional people ,like adult with lots of experience in life (because seriously, not everyday we deal with those things irl)

RFA + Minor Duo who find out that MC is a Teenager 

Yes of course! Haha, I think their reaction would be really funny to see….mhh, let’s overlook that Jumin/ Jihyun are almost 30 and the MC is 17-18, yes? But here you are! 

Jumin ( international age: 26/ korean age: 27)

When he opened and saw your face, his smile got bigger. 

,,Please enter.’’ he told you.

He always assumed that you were 25 or older. 

Your help while the RFA was in crisis helped him a lot, you had to go through a lot in your past, he guessed. 

While he proposed to you he thought about how much you helped him, what you went through with him. 

He was amazed by you. 

,,Yes, I want to marry you too!’’ you told him and made him really happy. 

,,Let’s marry immediately!’’ he was overjoyed. 

,,Huh? Sorry, I think that’s not possible….’’ you told him and giggled. 

Jumin looked at you. 

,,I’m still 17.’’ you confessed. 

His wine glass fell down…

,,Your international age isn’t -‚‘’ 

,,That’s my korean age.’’ you told him. 

His face lost all its colors. 

He was going through hardships with a 17 years old girl? A woman who was 10 years younger than him helped him through troubles….

Jumin was shocked but he was still in love with you. 

,,I feel like my dad…’’ he confessed.

,,I’m going out with a younger woman than me…..10 years….’’ he sighted. 

,,That’s okay because I’m not like your dad’s girlfriends and you’re not your dad…..we overcame so much….this won’t be that hard!’’ you gave him courage, once again. 

Zen ( international age: 23/ korean age: 24)

,,Nice to meet you!’’ he smiled when he saw you. 

,,Hiii!’’ you greeted him and smiled brightly at him. 

The evening you spend with Zen was amazing. 

That night he told you so much and you helped him so much. 

Even when the two of you moved in together and his parents rejected him, you helped him to not break down. 

When the time finally came and his parents were okay with it to meet him, he brought you along. 

Still, everyone noticed that his parents hated the situation. 

,,Miss…..Mc…how old are you if I’m allowed to ask you.’’ his dad asked you. 

You brightly smiled at him and gave him a nod. 

,,My international age is 18 so I’m 19.’’ you explained. 

,,Ugh!’’ Zen choked when he heard that and looked at you with a surprised expression. 

,,You’re really young….’’ his mom told you. 

When the two of you were alone again, Zen was still shocked. 

,,I…..I…..I’m a perverted….’’ he whined and walked up and down. 

,,You know that we’re only 5 years apart?’’ you asked him. 

,,Yes but we became a couple when you were….oh god! The things this Unknown did to you! Are you okay?!’’ Zen panicked but then you slapped his cheeks with your hands and cupped his now red cheeks. 

,,I love you and I’m okay.’’ you told him firm. 

,,Oh jagi….you’re such an adult….you make me feel childish!’’

Yoosung ( international age: 20/ korean age: 21)

,,I think I already saw you…..’’ Yoosung told you when he met you. 

,,Yes! I’m happy you recognized me, sunbae!’’ you smiled at him. 

,,Sunbae…? OH!’’ then he remembered. 

,,Are you perhaps the Mc from my campus?!’’ he asked you in a trembling voice. 

,,Yeah! I’m so lucky! I met you finally!’’ 

,,Oh!! I was such a bad example…and I’m so childish in front of you!’’ he whined once again. 

,,But you’re really sweet! And you can cook! It all looked yummy!’’ you couranged him. 

,,And I let you go through so much! Ohh! I’m so sorry!’’ he excused himself. 

But you kept laughing and hugged him. 

,,You were a great example….I always admired you! Really!’’ you confessed. 

,,You look so much older…and you’re so intelligent….I’m really happy!’’ your now boyfriend blushed. 

Jaehee ( international age: 25/ korean age: 26)

When she gave you the key, she was the most happiest woman in the world. 

To be honest, the two of you moved together quickly and also slept together…. 

And you would lie if you would say, that the two of you stayed calm in the romantic nighty atmosphere…. 

The two of you made….naughty things…. 

But you were really concerned…..you were still a student, you didn’t have any money and no time… 

You had to study and work in the coffee shop… 

,,I need to tell her….’’ you mumbled. 

,,What do you need to tell me?’’ she asked you with her beautiful smile. 

You got pale. 

,,Hey…is everything alright?’’ she asked you. 

,,Well….’’ you mumbled. 

,,WHAT?!’’ Jaehee yelled when she found out that you were 17 years old. 

,,But that’s my international age! In korea I’m 18!!’’ you defended yourself. 

,,MC! You’re still a student! I let you buy a coffee shop! You have to study!’’ she argued with you. 

,,I will work part time at Jumin’s company!’’ you cried. 

,,Mc! You have to go to school! And study! You would overwork yourself with the coffee shop and Jumin!’’ Jaehee told you. 

,,Okay! I was working with you and you didn’t know that I’m a student and that young!’’ you told her. 

,,Yeah! In vacation!’’ Jaehee argued with you. 

,,Yeah….I will still help you after school….’’ you told her. 

Jaehee was still angry at you but stopped. 

She helped you with school and tried to manage the shop by herself. 

Luckily Jumin wasn’t the kind of man who held resentment for too long and helped you out. 

Saeyoung ( international age: 21/ korean age: 22)

,,Mhh….’’ he looked at you file. 

He just couldn’t find anything about you. 

Only a picture. 

And you looked older. 

When he moved in Rika’s apartment he didn’t even care to ask you. 

And when the two went out to search Saeran, his twin brother, he didn’t thought about asking you. 

But later on, when everything calmed down, he asked you. 

,,You’re older, right? Right?’’ he looked at you. 

,,Well….’’ you mumbled and blushed. 

,,I’m 17….’’ you told him. 

Saeyoung didn’t react. 

For a few hours he stayed silent. 

,,Saeyoung…’’ you called him. 

,,Where are your parents? You should go back.’’ he asked you. 

,,Died.’’ you told him. 

,,Who cares for you?’’ he asked you. 

,,Someone who isn’t nice to me.’’ you responded and went on your knees and bowed your head. 

,,I beg you, please let me stay.’’ you sobbed. 

Saeyoung looked at you. His eyes looked sad and full with love. 

,,I-‚‘’ but you stopped him. 

,,Think about it. We’re the same. Jihyun took you in when you were younger….you were also alone. And besided, I look older and I’m not childish….’’ you told him.

,,Yeah, he took me in. Look what happened to me. Jiyhun died, Jumin is alone, Yoosung lost his cousin, my brother got brain washed and….I put you into danger…’’ 

He looked at you. 

,,Please, go…..’’ he was now crying. 

,,Ok….but I’m not going because you asked me. But because you’re crying and you’re in pain…that’s why. I love you…and I will come back….’’ you promised him. 

Saeran ( international age: 21/ korean age: 22)

He knew everything about you. 

Except for your age. 

But he didn’t care. 

But later on he asked you. 

,,When’s your birthday?’’ you smiled at you. 

And you gave him the date…. 

,,2001….2001?!’’ he yelled and you nod. 

,,Shit….!’’ he screamed and disappeared into the kitchen. 

,,Seriously?!’’ he asked you again. 

,,Y-yeah…’’ you told him of course, you showed him no fear.

,,I can’t believe it. I….I’m a monster…I kidnapped a 17 years old girl, didn’t feed her, hurt her and put her in danger and she…?! She helped me and protected me as if she was the adult one…..’’ he yelled and slapped the door. 

,,Shit!’’ he yelled once more but then you hugged him. 

,,It’s okay…you’re not a monster….it’s not your fault…I’m okay…everything is okay….okay?’’ you asked him with your big eyes. 

Saeran looked at you, his tears fell on your face. 

,,Okay….’’ he whispered. 

Jihyun ( international age: 26/ korean age: 27)

,,Oh! Aren’t you the daughter of the big company….? Mc, right?’’ a man asked you at Jihyun’s exhibition 

,,Yeah….I am’’ you responded with a forced smile. 

,,Amazing! How old are you now, 20?’’ he asked you. 

Jihyun’s eyes got bigger. 

,,Yes.’’ you answered honestly. 

When the two of you got home, he asked you to explain. 

,,Yes, I’m 20.’’ you told him. 

,,Then..back then, three years ago when I was 27…..you were 17?’’ he asked you. 

,,Yes.’’ you told him again. 

Jihyun didn’t answer. 

He wasn’t the type to yell or do anything. 

,,Mc….why didn’t you tell us?’’ he asked you. 

,,Excuse me, can you tell me the difference between telling you and not?’’ you told him and crossed your arms. 

,,Shit.’’ Jihyun thought ,,She’s so adult…that’s  why none guessed.’’ 

,,Right. Even if I would have told you….my age would have been a burden to you.’’

,,Yes but you were in danger.’’ he told you. 

Just thinking about how burdensome it must have been….experiencing Saeran’s death after he cared so much for you, Rika’s behavior and his actions….

,,Everything worked out. I still could grew up. I still found a job.’’ you smiled at him and kissed his lips. 

,,Don’t be worried….it’s okay.’’ you assured him. 

MASTERLIST 1MASTERLIST 2

Tagged: 

@foreversunshine-love @giulia2372 @milkyxstrawberry 

@widya345 @remiliadacalde @sailormoonrocks666