#like genuinely just switching a few words to make it specific to the new context

[freakinator]

I've been wondering for a long time. How would you characterise Wemmbu? How he seems in your eyes, your opinion of the guy. I hope I don't sound weird or crazy.

aw dw anon its okay to be curious ^^

regarding my characterization of wemmbu, while there is a lot of consistency in how he acts since hes an improv rper and therefore generally just acts as a polished/exaggerated version of his own self, there are still a few differences in how he acts depending on what smp hes in

general: smarmy, quite pathetic but tries his best to hide it until he literally cant anymore, opportunistic, petty, truthful in that kind of way that makes you doubt him, not quite black and white thinking but can switch up fast when someone does something that presses his buttons (doesnt necessarily trigger when someones just being mean, its specific kinds of things -- mostly has something to do with pride and trust), has a desire to be on top of things but whether or not he indulges in that desire depends on his overall plans and the kind of server hes in, silly but in a lowkey way as in like he presents himself as a normal person which works but only if you dont look closer, lowkey cringey in that uwu kinda way (affectionate), good at one-on-one yapping esp if hes confident & knows more about the situation than the other person but starts to crumble if its either him vs a group or if hes genuinely not confident about something, willing to sacrifice so much just to achieve his goals whatever they may be

kings smp: more opportunistic and a lot more willing to lie & manipulate & betray, crab mentality very high but he holds it back since indulgin in all of it at once isnt very good for his plans

challenge smps: like kings smp but even More willing to lie & manipulate & betray, has a stronger crab mentality since the whole point of the smp is to win and he really wants to win and he knows he wont be seeing these ppl in this context again anyway so hes willing to do whatever it takes even if it means betraying his allies, << does Not apply to team challenges btw he will be very loyal until hes given a reason to betray such as believing the others are betraying them first

lifesteal smp: had a good grasp of what it means to be a lifestealer right from the get go but has struggled a bit in figuring out what that means for him exactly so he still has a bit of that new guy stench if you get what i mean (this characterization becomes less and less prominent the later in the timeline it is), has been very loyal thus far and is more than happy to point that out, average level of lifestealer aggressiveness, i like to parallel him with zam mirror-style due to them having opposite thought processes but coming to similar conclusions (pic below of unfinished draft ive had for ages cause idk how to word my thoughts regarding this properly other than 'the vibes')

unstableverse: very obvious mirror parallel to zam that i honestly wouldnt be surprised if it was on purpose, kinda hard talking about his motivations and character devoid of context regarding zam considering he spent 4 out of 5 eps as a major character (even when he isnt actually there lmao) and wemmbu spent 3 of those 4 eps obsessing over him but i will try my best, can be a bit of a stalker but only if he really cares about whatever it is the guy hes stalking is doing/potentially doing, no empathy (affectionate), generally doesnt care that much about individual players but when he gets attached he gets Attached for better or worse, zeroes in on his goals even to his own and others' detriment, a lot more pathetic than in other smps or at least has a harder time hiding his patheticness, also may just be me but i think hes more pessimistic?? not entirely sure tho

overall i think hes pretty neat! pretty cute and silly but also devious and mischievous, if i could shake him in a can i would

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary335

8/20-21/24

tuesday - wednesday

watched ernst lubitsch's film 'the doll' today.

insanely cute movie... not a lot to say about it because it's a comedy, not to say that there's not a lot to say about comedy but it's a very lighthearted thing that's kind of funny about women, but it's more funny about people being funny about women, the joke seems to be that ossi is really incredibly sane, and everyone else, from her father who creates lifelike dolls for men, to priests, to normal men, they don't know how to see women as people, except some do, which leads to scenes where the humor is about how free she can be briefly, as she doesn't have to pretend to be a doll. the end of course is the man and her get married for real and love eachother actually, under no falsehood, total truth, it's funny how the male lead is such a doofus, genuinely fearful of women, seeming to be afraid because too many women are 'improper'. it doesn't seem to be a way of seeing the film has, lubitsch seems to be fond of women who are in some sense liberated though one can question how far that really goes (never are they far from men, even if they are perhaps... i don't know if free is the right word so much as doing a few more things than you'd imagine), and it's not like this is the point but it's interesting to think about that in context of the period, i do think this film does make an odd point of illustrating how strange men can be about women, in a way that does feel ahead. also, a way it's ahead is its humor... it's just actually really quite funny slapstick stuff and strange situations.

but really what i'm mostly feeling is insane and inspiring, are some of the shots, specifically there's a couple very intense shots of mouths where it's a series of shots all put together in one frame, of people babbling, and then another where it's a thin rectangle frame of two people talking closeup. very inventive editing stuff there! i want to see more like that. makes the stuff man ray did in the starfish more interesting honestly, to see something similar used at an earlier point for odd visual comedy, it does get at something about being around too many people. it is genuinely affecting when separated from the comedy context i think. i ought to get those bits, as well as the bits of ossi dancing from this movie, and see if i can use them for a video at some point.

otherwise today... i started work on a new song, and i got the tone down of one track a little better, imo. all looking up!! i'm excited about this new one, i think this will be the actual ep opener, feels right for that cuz it's a bit of a bait and switch almost, with how i want it to end... gotta do more tomorrow.

did not edit the writing today, and tomorrow's errand day so it's unlikely i'll get to it but i should at least think about it a bit more, that'll be good actually, just think about it, ruminate on what's there, if i can i guess. unless the heat gets to me in the car... bleh...

onto the final story in dennis cooper's book, the one i just finished, gold, is almost impossible to write about here! upsetting and sickening a bit and also really poignant in the ways only dennis can achieve, really horrifying stuff about acts we tend to imagine/assume are unknowable, and even in their being written, even in the internality given to these people doing them, they're still full of/pregnant with the impossibility of even beginning to know why, they just do, it's like the only way they can imagine going forward, impulses from masses of lonely planets, ugly radiowaves only broken equipment seems to pick up on. then there's this quality of, this is all that can happen, too, a strict math at the same time as the impossibility. it's the strictness of law, money, need, intercut against why it was even there in the first place... crop circles almost?

final bit today:

i was listening to this earlier, a truly perfect piece of music, always stops me in my tracks when i hear it, the acid bassline is so beautiful, how it evolves over the course of the song, just this bubbly thing inside your ears, it feels super physical, it's an architecture in space without weight or shadow.

i have to sleep now...

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kachinnate]

,,,,okay i know i just said i wasn’t going to talk about the deh movie but actually yeah imma talk about it for just a sec bc y’all actually make me legitimately distressed sajkfndsmjkgds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQ_A0H1otc i dont have the braincells to do a shot by shot analysis right now but here’s what we’re lookin at

under a readmore because ghhhhhhh

firstly, let me lead with this: yes, from what we know, there’s a lot of things wrong with this movie. 

the worst, in my humble opinion, being the bts treatment of the (very few) actors of color, and the lack altogether of any production team members of color. that’s something that should be acknowledged, talked about, and fucking dug into especially at the current fucking period of time we’re living in. it’s unsurprising, but disgusting nonetheless, and it set this movie up for failure from the very beginning. i’m a white person so by no means so i feel inclined or like i have any authority in saying what one should feel wrt all of that, however i will say if there’s to be a boycott in not watching this movie, that should 100% be the reason why. it’s fully poc’s choice whether or not to forgive the production team or give this movie a chance for the irredeemable shit it did in regards to handling the movie’s production. the movie imo definitely doesn’t deserve their forgiveness, but again, that is not for me to say. 

there’s some little things too that i can’t fully think of off the top of my head - like, the whole making larry connor’s stepdad thing fucking irks me, for example, but, like...... listen.

if you know me like at all, you know my favorite word is nuance.

so, i’m going to say it outright: the way you people are approaching this three minute trailer shows literally.... none?? no nuance ??? is it no-nuance november over here or ???? like i’m begging you i’m BEGGING YOU to put aside your pre-determined prejudices against this movie and like stop pretending to be a renowned film critic for ten seconds because it’s really not as outright fucking abysmal as you are saying!! and also it’s possible to have opinions that aren’t completely fucking polarized to one side because guess what, the deh movie? a piece of media! what is the shit y’all are constantly preaching about having the ability to consume media critically ? because you’re trying to cancel a fucking trailer based on the contents of the trailer alone !!!!! hello !!!!!!!!

media is bound to be problematic. if y’all were as quick to judge any movie as you did this one, guess what you wouldn’t be watching any movies like ever <3 

anyway lets get into the parts that are probably going to get me cancelled lmao 

ben platt - listen. LISTEN. listen i know he’s too old to be reprising evan we ALL know he’s too old to be reprising evan i’ve heard this same argument since the announcement was made we get it we all know. haha he’s a grandpa yes bestie ur so right ur so funny wow. i do agree that we should’ve maybe had a not-ben-platt evan moment but here’s some things to keep in mind: the arguments of “oooh ABF is right there !!!!!!” 1. who’s to say he was available? 2. the environment of a movie is so, SO much different than that of a musical -- as much as you wanna pretend you know everything from just a trailer, there’s no way of knowing what scenes were added that might’ve made the movie like.. idk possibly more intense story-wise not even COUNTING the fact that just inherently a movie set is different than a musical one? like yes ben platt might be just being used as a device but that’s probably not the sole and only reason. Also, if i see One (1) more comment about his FUCKING HAIR 😃 first of all it’s not that deep like... if you’re so distracted by an actor having their hair different that’s on you, but going as far as to call it bad or distracting or being like Vehemently a way about it? y’all i know it’s most likely not your intention but that is literally just ben platt’s natural fuckin ETHNICALLY JEWISH hair sajknfgkjds!!!! i’m not the first to make this point, but like dsjnfkjdsg!??! y’all are being so mean about it and for WHAT? again, maybe not intentional, but it reads as like high key Very antisemetic and you should.... maybe not 😳 be that way

connor. the thing about a trailer is that they don’t show you all the scenes because they want you to come see the movie. right? can we agree on that? all the connor scenes in the trailer had SEVERAL hard cuts, omitting a lot of the scene -- like the computer lab scene! we see the beginning of it, there’s a VERY obvious hard cut, and then he’s running out! in my opinion my first watch through of this trailer i had a very like “:// hmm all these actors feel a lil like dry”, but man oh man the comments ive seen about connor. holy shit guys. this boy gets 7 minutes of stage time in the actual musical, and the whole thing is we DON’T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT HIM. not to burst your bubble, and i by no means hate connor, i love me some good connor lives fics and stuff, but everything we write with connor being alive? that is !! speculation on our part !!!! those are headcanons and us using the little context we have!! connor doesn’t have any significant development IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL that is being adapted into a movie !!! you 1. can’t fully judge a character with already limited screentime in a 3 minute trailer, 2. can’t really call what connor has canonically in the musical as in depth character development !! what is his arc then !!!! he pushes evan, goes to the computer lab, has an outcast loner kid moment, gets upset, takes the letter, DIES. sorry stans, that’s just how it is !! and, AND, everything in between, all the idiosyncracies, that depends on the actor playing connor! speaking of, you know who the actor is playing connor in the movie? that’s right, colton ryan! so, i don’t know, maybe... have some trust in the process, in an actor who ALREADY has played connor on broadway???? and also trust that you will get more connor content then u are seeing from a 3 minute trailer!! dhgnijsdg and some of the comments on like his appearance specifically? like are you really made that he doesn’t have long hair?? they kept his nails and his rings but nahhh the hair was apparently a MUST HAVE (even though like.. not all connor actors on broadway always had/have long hair but w/e).. REGARDLESS. tldr on THAT , the movie would have to do a pretty shitty job if they want to take something from someone who doesn’t have much to begin with and i think y’all are being extremely harsh on this point 

jared. honestly i’m a bit worried too about the like... name change, because it does have the potential to be taking out some representation, but... they did change the name to fit the actor’s ethnicity? it’s a really [hmm] topic because, again, from a trailer and from what we have been told we don’t KNOW a lot of the context, but i think it’s important to remember that uh.. jewish people aren’t just? always white ?? there’s a possibility they changed the last name to fit with the [ethnicity] while keeping him jewish?? ofc there’s the possibility that they Didn’t and ... again hm that’s its own thing altogether but just reiterates the point that you can’t knock a whole movie just based on the trailer. you can’t talk about things you know nothing about. 

alana. same thing as before, you can’t.... completely bash a character based on a 3 minute trailer. there was discussion about how she seemed ‘shy’ when talking to evan, which like.. maybe she is but also that scene was them talking in a library like if u actually take notice of what’s happening in the scene jdskngsd though i do share the general consensus with many others that she won’t get a lot of screen-time but that’s neither here nor there 😔 moving on

scenes and the setting. one of the things i was most like.. tentative about in regards to a switch from a musical to a movie was how they were like... going to do certain scenes? naturally, a lot has to be different when we’re going from a minimal stage set to an entire movie with like.. settings. there are going to be new scenes because a movie lends to have like, physical places that aren’t just [evan’s bedroom] and [murphy kitchen] and [implied school]. so new scenes, new conversations, slightly different pacing.. this is all to be expected right like are y’all geneuinely surprised here or ........

there’s a lot we aren’t seeing yet because this is a TRAILER. again i already mentioned this re: connor but like... again, y’all are making some Claims that just... fucking outlandish. there are so many moments in the trailer that are very obvious Hard Cuts. you don’t have all the information yet. you are angry at a tiny fragment of something that is confusing you because you don’t have all the context. is there a chance that some of this shit is just genuinely Bad? yeah but you really cannot 100000% say it with your chest and gauge it without seeing the movie and understanding what that scene is in context. lowkey uhhh saw some jokes about the zoe scene in the car and :’))) ? jesus? christ????

concluding thoughts because my brain hurts but like. you don’t have to like the movie. you don’t have to WATCH the movie. like all media if you choose to consume the movie you should do so with some CRITICAL THOUGHT. but, just like the novel (and i do not want to have any discussions about that i don’t care if you think it’s good Or bad that’s not what this is about) you guys are going in this WANTING to believe it’s bad and completely polarizing your thoughts on what this is going to be. yeah, maybe there shouldn’t be a movie. i genuinely think we could’ve gone without. but it’s just a piece of media, it’s not a progression like all your (musical is good, novel is bad, MOVIE IS WORSE OH NO) posts are suggesting. they are all just. different pieces of media stemming from a source. at the end of the day it’s just a fucking movie. if you already hate it so much, guess what? you don’t have to watch it! you don’t have to put so much needless fucking hate into a 3 MINUTE TRAILER. you can stop being performative and dissing it for its poor treatment of POC while then going on to make fun of ben platt’s hair and just targeting a different group like! please !!!

i’m not trying to be a fuckin’ advocate for this movie because there’s so much opportunity for it to suck, i do Not have high hopes for it, and i’m not even really sure i want to watch it (i bought the novel when it came out and have yet to read it, and i’m sure the movie will like.. elicit very similar vibes from me lsdngjkdsg like im just not uhhh feeling it) but y’know what? watching the trailer did not bring forth the fucking onslaught of hatred in me that apparently has fuckin posessed all of y’all and like djnsgjksdg plagued my dashboard for this whole evening. don’t come into my inbox trying to like.. argue with me about this (preemptively im turning off anon because i like i Can’t lmao) this is just like... a rant i needed to get out of me real quick. 

SO. tldr for now: have critical thought about shit you consume, there’s no ethical consumption under [the film industry], you can’t judge a movie entirely on its trailer, and y’all need to calm the fuck down 

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Hypothetically,

Ao3,   MasterPost

Relationships: Romantic Intrulogical, Platonic Logince

It is about! Damn! Time! That I wrote some Intrulogical! Also, y’all already know my stance on platonic logince,,,, guys they ARE best friends i’m sorry I don’t make the rules.

Warnings: Angst (with a happy ending). mentions of stuff like autopsies and nuclear explosions in the context of like experiments- they do stuff in The Imagination, basically. Panic attack (?). Hurt/comfort. Pretty heated kissing; It’s more intense makin’ out than I usually write but it isn’t anything explicit at all, don’t worry! ADHD Remus and Autistic Logan. Cursing- like So Much Cursing. Mentions of space, deep sea, etc. Food mention.

Word count: 6,769

There was a conundrum. 

A., Logan needed to use the Imagination. B., He could not use it on his own, considering that he was Logic. C., Roman was nowhere to be found. The answer to what was frustrating Logan at that moment would be all of the above.

To be clear, he didn’t like going into the Imagination. It was simply the only suitable place to perform his ‘experiments’. His very necessary, very distracting experiments. But, as stated, Roman was God-knows-where doing God-knows-what. 

Logan sighed at the door, as though it was the inanimate structure’s fault. The cracks gleamed obnoxiously bright, golden light pouring out from behind the door in a somewhat eerie manner. It was a nonsensical, unrealistic, completely insignificant place, and he wanted in.

Logan was contemplating asking Janus for help (lies took imagination, right?) when, out of nowhere, an arm was thrown around his shoulders. Literally an arm, disembodied and oozing sick-smelling blood onto the carpet. Ah. Wonderful. 

“Hello, Remus,” he pulled the appendage from around him, holding it at arm’s length (no pun intended, dammit). 

“Hi!” Remus took his arm back and reattached it with a disturbing crunch, a grin stretching his face. He sidled up to Logan, imitating the side’s stance in front of the door. 

“Can I help you with something?” the logical trait tilted his shoulder away from where Remus had pressed against him. 

“Not unless you’re willing to get really messy- but I can help you!”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re implying.”

The Duke rolled his eyes, promptly flinging the door to The Imagination open. An encompassing energy radiated into the common room, corrupting the usual neutrality of the space. It didn't last long before Remus grabbed Logan’s wrist and dragged him along through the entryway, movements as sporadic and fast-paced as everything else about the creative.

“It’s not very logical to just stand there staring at the door all day, in my opinion. I dunno what you need Imagination for, but whatever it is, I can help! My half is much more interesting, anyway.”

“Oh,” Logan blinked, narrowly ducking his head under a branch as he was pulled forward, “Thank you, I suppose.”

He politely didn’t mention that he doubted Remus’ capacity for helpfulness. Beggars can’t be choosers, after all. 

The door from the commons was quite a walk from the darker half of The Imagination, but at the pace its owner had them going they were there in minutes. The border was marked with tangles of densely thorned shrubbery, which parted for them, as if they sensed the approach. Logan just barely avoided snagging his shoe on one as they passed.

There was forest, twisted and shadowy, for only a minute. After that, they were in a city, with tall buildings and winding streets and dark alleys. Another switch, they came into what seemed like an amusement park. Nothing was consistent in theme, and none of the scenes held up for more than a minute or two. Remus shook his head and tisked. With a snap, a good portion of the ever-changing scenery was erased, leaving blank white space. The Duke turned to look at Logan with a satisfied smile. 

“Ta-da! What do you need?” 

Logan blanched for a moment, surprised at Remus’ willingness to completely delete Imaginings without a second thought. It usually took Roman ages to find a spot that he was okay with giving up on for Logan’s “projects”- which he always had thought was a little silly, seeing as he could bring it back when they were done. The change of pace was a pleasant one, though, so there was no need to dawdle for long. 

“I need a miniature fully-functioning model of our solar system. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“Oh, totally,” Remus waved his hand and the request appeared suspended in the air, spread out to be the size of a dining table. All was accounted for- sun, moons, eight planets plus pluto- orbiting and spinning around each other. Imagination, by nature, had no real limits, but the detail was still a sight to behold every time. Logic smiled, surveying the set-up, before gesturing to the edge of their blank section.

“Thank you for the help, you may go.”

“May I now?” Remus conjured a seat for himself, staring at Logan with his chin resting on his hands, “You’re not even going to tell me what this is for? That’s just rude.”

Logan glanced up from the tiny earth he was inspecting, tilting his head to the side in confusion.

“You are welcome to stay, if you wish, but your brother usually leaves at this point. He says my experiments are-” he summons his notebook, “‘Bore-ifying’, which I assume is a portmanteau for ‘boring’ and ‘horrifying’.” 

“Roman’s a big baby!”

Logan shrugged, not disagreeing, and resumed his careful observation of the tiny model earth. Remus made no move to go, wheeling his chair even closer. The scientific side carried on before his new audience of one, hovering a hand over the little planet. Abruptly, it stopped spinning. Logan made a gesture with his hand that magnified the model significantly. 

The results were immediately catastrophic. Logan jotted a few observations down in his notebook, watching closely at the ways torrents of wind ripped up trees and buildings. In the back of his mind, he was faintly impressed by just how well-rendered ‘Dark’ Creativity’s earth was, down to the individual humans, brutalized by the storms. 

“Whoah, what the fuck?!” 

Logan looked up briefly to see Remus craning his head over the destruction of the stilled planet. His eyes were wide and bright with curiosity.

“Oh- I should probably explain. I come here, usually, to run some improbable scenarios as a sort of stress-reliever. Specifically, this one is what would happen if earth stopped spinning on its axis. As you can see, due to the earth no longer rotating at its usual speed, the wind would continue on at-” he cut himself off abruptly, sensing the beginnings of a ramble, “I’m sorry, I’ve been told that I have a tendency to ‘go off’ when a subject particularly interests me.”

Remus rolled his chair even closer, looking much like an excited animal (more so than usual, anyway).

“Well then, go off! Don’t leave me hanging! Is that really what would happen, just if it stopped?” He gestured enthusiastically to the way that the oceans had begun to crash against and consume shorelines. He looked interested- genuinely interested. 

Logan bit back a smile. He didn’t have to be told twice. 

 It was one of those particularly restless nights. For no foreseeable goddamn reason, Logic’s mind had become alight with enough half-formed thoughts and barely sensible ideas to fill a very, very weird book. The Imagination did wonders when he got like this, but it usually wasn’t two in the morning when he needed to use it. That wasn’t to say the circumstance was unheard of, but all times prior he could push the urge to investigate away with the reasoning that he could just ask Roman in the morning, and that the Creative side needed his ‘beauty sleep’, as he called it. There wasn’t anything he could do about that, was there?

Tonight was different. Logan could hear the occasional snap or tear or cackle from the room across from his. Remus’ room. 

It had been less than a week since The Duke let him use the darker half of the Mindpalace, and that was pretty much the only meaningful interaction they’d had in as many days. They weren’t close, Logan wasn’t even sure if they were friends (not that he was a good judge of that, given the first time Roman referred to them as ‘besties’ he had all but cried), but Remus was at the very least an option. He was also unlikely to mind, given that he was already awake and had exhibited excitement previously. 

Logan made up his mind after yet again failing to fall asleep. Quietly, he opened his door and took the few short steps across the hall, raising his fist. Remus’ door was open before his second knock. 

“Oh, hey! What are you doing, coming knocking at this hour?” he didn’t even try to whisper, accompanying his statement with an over-exaggerated wink. Logan didn’t waste his time trying to shush the side. 

“Good evening, I hope I’m not interrupting anything-”

“You know I don’t mind your ‘interruptions’, Twunk-y Megamind!”

“-But I was wondering if you would… Help me, again. I seem to be having a hard time getting to sleep, and I think that getting out some of my ideas could help.”

Remus’ face lit up dramatically. 

“Oh hell yes! Are we gonna blow up more planets?”

“Something like that,” he kept his voice monotone, disguising the relief and hint of pride at such a positive reaction. 

“Well, come on!”

Logan let himself be dragged into Remus’ room, barely having time to make note of the surprisingly organized layout before he was pulled through a sleek black door. 

“But you have to tell me about it,” he ordered, twisting them through narrow paths in his half of The Imagination. Logan suppressed a smile. 

“If you want to hear it, then I’m happy to.” 

Without warning, they stopped the breakneck pace that Remus moved at. The trait seemed appeased with their surroundings, though as far as Logan could tell it was just another piece of ever-shifting ominous landscape. 

Remus snapped his fingers. The scene remained intact. 

“Sorry,” he glanced around nervously, “Things get stuck in my head sometimes. Can’t get ‘em out. I’ll get it, I just-”

“It’s no trouble.” 

Logan rolled up his sleeves. He didn’t like using his ‘abilities’ much, as every side had some set of special skills, and all of them were much too ostentatious. But they were helpful, at times. He waved a hand, gesturing carefully so that he didn’t dismantle any more of The Imagination than was absolutely necessary. With a small stutter, the landscape shifted to a blank slate.

When he looked back up, Remus’ expression was not unlike that of a Cheshire cat.

“What was that?”

“I am Logic, therefore it follows that I am the antithesis to any Imagination creations. It’s very easy to erase them with just a bit of rationality.” 

“No clue what a lot of those words meant, but it’s still cool that you can destroy shit.”

Laughing was unbecoming, to say the least, and so the logical trait tended to avoid it at all costs. The snort that escaped him was entirely involuntary. 

If Remus noticed the noise, he said nothing about it. He was too busy bouncing from foot to foot, expectantly waiting for instructions. Logan cleared his throat of the outburst and clapped his hands together.

“Alright, let’s start with something simple…”

 At his request, Remus would construct immaculately detailed creatures, settings, and models, watching gleefully at the ordeals Logan put each one through. They tested various and progressively elaborate ways to sink populated cruise liners, they simulated the effects of falling from the Empire State Building, dissected approximations of obscure marine animals (a shared special interest of theirs, apparently), and any of the other unrealistic questions that occurred to the typically rational Logic. 

The only way to get such questions from his mind, he’d found out a long time ago, was deconstructing them one step at a time, to see them in their full ridiculousness. 

It was also, he was coming to realize, incredibly fun. 

Before the two knew it, the already late hour had turned unreasonable. Logan blinked owlishly at his watch, distracted from the tiny supernova that he’d created.

“Oh, I must have lost track of time,” four in the morning. Four in the morning! 

“Aw, does that mean we’re done?” Remus whined, yet he still began unmaking his small star system. 

Logan was suddenly very aware of the heaviness of his eyelids and a rubbery feeling in his limbs. God, was he tired. 

“I’m afraid so. I really should’ve gone to sleep hours ago.”

“Fine,” Remus dragged the word out with a groan, “But let me know next time you wanna fuck with space, or deep sea stuff, or anything like that.”

Next time. 

As much as Logan adored Roman, there was something very nice about having the more grim brother help him out with these experiments. For one, his creations were often much more accurate to the real world- likely because gore and destruction were that much more impactful when they were realistic. For two, he actually seemed to enjoy the work. 

Logan’s deliberation was brief. 

“I will.”

 As it happened, the night spent delving into dozens of ideas had purged Logan’s need to use The Imagination, for the time being. Clearly, Remus was not patient enough to wait for him.

He popped up, unannounced, in Logic’s room.

“Lo!!!”

The trait in question fell out of his office chair in a very undignified way. Not that there’s a particularly dignified way to fall out of a chair, but if there was, this definitely wouldn’t have been it. He ‘ate shit’, as the saying goes.

Out of pure embarrassment, Logan made no move to get off the floor.

“Hello, Remus,” he greeted, “How may I help you?”

The Duke laughed raucously, sprawling into the now-unoccupied chair and leaning over him. 

“You’re a riot, Dork,” then, added with glittering eyes, “Did you break anything?”

“No. Given that I am metaphysical, I’m not sure that I have bones.”

“I have bones!”

“Are they your bones?”

“They are bones and they are in my possession, yes.” 

Logan let the subject drop and repeated his first question. 

“Right, I forgot! I have an idea for an experiment!”

Logan thought that, despite his mild humiliation, it would probably benefit the conversation if he wasn’t lying on the ground, so he stopped doing that. Brushing mostly imaginary dust from his clothes, he shot Remus a bemused look.

“That’s nice. But I was asking you why you were here.”

The Duke’s face fell, almost imperceptibly.  

“I thought you’d wanna know, because of what you said last time. Isn’t this, like, a thing we do now? You know how shit works, and I know how to make that shit, and then you can tell me about it!” 

Oh. 

“Remember when you were talking about radiation the other day? You can’t just say stuff like that and then not expect me to want to try it out, so really this is on you. It’d be dumb not to let you in on it.”

Oh. 

He’d been listening to that rant? Moreover, he’d remembered it, and now had his own ideas and follow-up questions about it? 

Logan felt light-headed. 

“You’re probably too busy with work, huh? I guess my explosions don't have to be accurate, if you’re set on being boring,” Remus’ tone was nonchalant, but he was obviously lingering for attention. Logan then remembered that words are a thing, and people use them to communicate.

“No! I mean, yes- I mean, I’m not busy. I can join you, I- I’d like to, even,” the intelligent side heard a small voice in his head, his own miniature Virgil, screaming- what the fuck was that, get it together, Jesus, because he, despite what his fellow sides insisted, was absolutely nonfunctional when trying to form a friendship. 

Remus didn’t seem to notice or care much past his own cheer.

“Cool!” he, yet again, wasted no time in seizing Logan’s arm and yanking him away, “I wanted to see what would happen to animals and plants and stuff bunches of years after lots of radiation! Do you think they’d mutate? Get all twisted and fucked up so that they aren’t even recognizable as, say, a dog?”

Logan considered the question as he was led through the Mindpalace.

“Well, nothing would be able to live there at all. Additionally, anything within a little under a mile of the nuclear fallout- depending on a few variables- would be completely incinerated upon impact.”

“Like, flesh-melting incinerated?” 

“More like vaporized. The fireball would burn 10,000 times the heat of the sun.”

Remus went starry eyed, bringing them to a halt a mere five feet from the door. 

“I wanna see that,” he waved his hands around at their surroundings, “Can you do the white-out thing?” 

Logan, much less hesitant than last time, obliged. A small smile escaped him at the wondrous look on The Duke’s face. It was another form of expression he didn’t particularly care for, but containing his emoting was more trouble than it was worth by now. He couldn’t find it in him to care much either, for once. 

“Where do we start?” Remus prompted.

“You tell me. I will help you make it as accurate as possible, and provide any insight that you want, but it is your idea,” and he wanted to hear more about those ideas. Odd and violent, mesmerizing and clever. There was so much that he wanted to hear about, to talk about, to puzzle out together. 

Logan couldn’t remember the last time he’d had someone to share such interests with. Maybe, despite how deeply he cared for his ‘family’, as Patton called them- maybe it was never.

Remus chattered as he worked, disrupting the train of thought. Logan almost tuned it out- after all, everyone had grown perfectly used to The Duke’s rambling- but he caught himself. That was hardly how he should treat the side that was so strangely considerate to him, wasn’t it? 

Logan listened from then on. He began to add on to the conversation, corrections and elaborations and actual questions, because he actually didn’t know some of it. He didn’t regret the choice. 

By the end, Remus and Logan were sitting together in the smoldering ruins of their make-believe test town, exchanging notes for different variables they could use in the next trial. They only stopped when Logan was abruptly summoned away by Thomas. He excused himself, a bit apologetic, promising to visit again soon.

As he helped Thomas (with what really should have been a simple task, honestly), Logic wondered briefly about the origins of the hollow feeling that grew in his chest. Something distracted, longing, and unfamiliar. 

And then the oven caught fire, and the only thing he felt was annoyance with the man that he was somehow a component of. 

 So, that was that- Logan and Remus were friends, now spent regular time together, and shared interests. By all accounts, it was a simple and obviously positive development. 

But then there was Roman. 

“What’s wrong with my work? You’d really prefer whatever edgy 12-year-old DeviantArt account nonsense that he thinks up?”

Logan set his book down with a sigh and looked over to his doorway, where Roman stood with his hands on his hips.

“Come in, Roman, and thank you for knocking,” he snarked. The Creative side made a vaguely sassy noise, trotting right in and flopping backwards onto the bed. Without closing the door, the monster.

“I thought that building your Weird Science contraptions was our thing.”

Logan made a show of standing up and manually shutting his door before responding. 

“You don’t like my ‘contraptions’, as you call them.”

“Yeah, but I still made them for you! Because we’re friends, but I suppose you’ve forgotten all about that!” 

He really should have expected the melodrama. And yet, Logan had lived in a delusional world where he didn’t care about the most Extra being on earth.

With an eye roll, Logic dropped down beside Roman on the bed- though he wasn’t half as flamboyant about it. 

“I can have more than one friend.”

“Yeah, but I’m supposed to be your favorite! We’re supposed to hang out together! Do the friendship bracelets I made mean nothing to you?”

He flung his arm across Logan’s chest, a ‘friendship bracelet’ clearly visible on his wrist (a loose usage of the term, given that it was a solid gold band with inlaid sapphires, because of course it was).

Logan held up his arm as well, showing that his (silver with inlaid rubies) was still very much in use, despite his distaste for jewelry.

“We hang out plenty. It wasn’t my intention to hurt your feelings by spending time with your brother. My reason for doing so is that he seems to take active enjoyment in building and learning about these things with me. He also makes very good conversation, in regards to the more, ah, eccentric experiments.”

Roman tossed his head to the side to watch Logan with narrowed eyes. After a pause, he linked their arms at the elbow. 

“Yeah, you would think that. You’re secretly just as much of a weirdo as him.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Oh please, I can barely keep up with a word that either of you say,” Roman headbutted Logan’s shoulder in what was likely another of his odd displays of affection. He let his head rest there for a minute, a rare instance of peace before he inevitably resumed talking. 

“Anyways-”

“Anyway,” Logan corrected.

“Anyways, if you nerds wanna talk about your weird, creepy experiments, then I guess that’s fine. But he isn’t allowed to co-opt anything else that we do together that we both actually like- no making fun of movies together, no Crofters jams, and no poetry-slash-rap battles.”

“Of course not, Roman. You will always be my favorite person to disagree with.”

“Love you, too,” Creativity bumped him again, then sat up to stretch. Logan snorted a laugh and considered shoving Roman off the bed, watching as he raised his arms up and straightened his back. Before the trait had the chance, unfortunately, his friend was already standing. 

“Leaving already? Weren’t you just going on about spending time together?”

“Nah, that was all I wanted to yell at you about for now. I’ve gotta go help Pat with dinner.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you.”

“Thanks, I won’t.”

“I hate you.”

“Ditto.”

Halfway out the door, Roman threw a glance over his shoulder.

“Oh, and whatever you two end up doing, do not give me the details. Please.”

Okay, finally, that really was that. Friendship established, blessings given, the end. A simple symbiosis.

Logan was thinking about the practical uses of medieval torture devices? Remus. He wanted to see exactly how long it would take your average healthy adult to succumb to drowning? Remus. Logan wanted to just rant, about anything and everything, his brain moving a mile a minute? Remus. They spent an inordinate amount of time together. 

Occasionally, when he didn’t even have the energy to converse, he would sit down with a book in the commons when he knew Remus was there and let the trait’s never ending word-vomit wash over him. It was an odd sort of intimacy, but that fit within the theme of their dynamic. Like he said, simple symbiosis. 

And that was when the not-very-platonic fondness grew. And Logan, to his own surprise, allowed it to. 

After deep consideration he had seen no reason not to; Remus wouldn’t judge him, not ever. It put a name to the hollow longing that occurred whenever he, eventually, had to get back to work and part from their talks. 

He hadn’t sorted out what to do about the feeling yet, but he felt no urgency. 

Logan’s book lay forgotten in his lap, that morning being one of the quiet ones as he reflected on his unfamiliar emotions. It was almost nice, letting such affection curl up in his chest and settle there.

His contemplation was broken by a sharp jab to his shoulder.

“Are you listening to me?”

He tilted his head at Remus.

“Sorry, I got distracted.”

“What were you thinking about?” his eyes lit up, very obviously hoping for it to be something disgusting. Logan glanced away, given that he didn’t even like eye-contact in the best of circumstances. 

“Nothing important. You have my attention now.”

Remus rolled his eyes with a huff, apparently genuinely irritated. 

“Well now I forgot what I was saying.”

“Let’s backtrack: what were you talking about before?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s fine, we can talk about something else.”

The irritation had grown to something unrecognizable to Logan- frustrating, given how closely he tried to study body language. He felt a stab of guilt as Remus stood up from his spot.

“It probably didn’t matter. I’m gonna go annoy Janus.”

“Oh,” Logan’s voice was small, “Alright, then.”

He was already gone.

That was… concerning. Not to mention bewildering; Remus didn’t just pass up opportunities to talk! He didn’t just leave, not even when he wasn’t wanted! Logan really hadn’t thought his zoning out would earn such a reaction. 

But he was far from perceptive about emotional problems. There was no way to know if it was anything to throw a fit over. For all he knew, it was just an off-day. He couldn’t always expect his friend to be rambunctious and energetic, even if that was a big part of his personality. 

The issue would likely resolve itself.

 The issue did not do that. It did the polar opposite, speeding from mildly concerning to downright frightening at a whiplash-inducing pace.

Remus barely asked questions and almost never offered insight, as he usually did when they spent time together. In fact, his contributions had become rare and unenthusiastic enough that he could have passed as neurotypical, however disturbing the thought was. And that was when they did end up spending time together, which was becoming less and less often, much to the dismay of one significantly smitten smart side.

Something was very clearly wrong with Remus. Not the demented, destructive, mildly endearing and unhinged sort of wrong. It was the wrong sort of wrong.

Logan was hesitant to confront him outright. After a couple weeks of careful consideration, a more subtle solution occurred to him, as he idly flipped through a very graphic murder-mystery late into the night. Something bloody, and awful, and very much Remus’ taste. He set the novel down, knowing full well that his friend would be wide awake as he made his way across the hall.

“Remus?” he knocked at the side’s door, wearing a smile much wider than he usually liked. He was more than willing to express exuberance, if there was even the slightest chance that it would be infectious.

The door decidedly did not fly open. Rather, after a good deal of wrapping at it, Remus slowly pulled it back and poked his head out.

“Oh. Hey.”

Logan didn't dwell on the concern that reaction brought. He had something that would cheer Creativity up, of that he was sure.

“I have a test tonight- it’s going to be very messy,” he began, searching the impulsive trait’s eyes for any signs of interest. There was the slightest glint, but not much more. 

“So, you want me to make stuff for you?” His speech was monotonous. 

“Yes, that was the idea. It’s going to be gory.”

Hardly a reaction. All Remus did was open the door the rest of the way to allow Logan inside. Clearly, he had underestimated just how poorly his friend felt.

“Alright, I’ll set it up for you. Just don’t take too long, I was actually hoping to use my part of the Mindscape today.”

Logan nodded, very taken aback. He couldn’t ignore the slight hurt at the cold, dismissive tone (the irony of that wasn’t lost on him).

They stepped foot into The Imagination and immediately Remus stopped, destroying whatever had been in front of them- which was usually fine, it was just how he operated, but normally out of enthusiasm, not apathy. Maybe this was more than could be fixed with some blood and guts.

“What do you need?”

Logan conjured a tiny notebook, giving a tentative smile. Still, he was giving this plan a shot.

“Operating table,” one appeared before him, sleek metal with rolly legs, “A standard set of surgical tools,” he looked up to gauge Remus’ interest, but his expression still hadn’t changed as he continued to create, “A human corpse, and then we can get started.”

With a wave, a perfectly generic body fell onto the table, but Logan’s attention remained on The Duke.

“Great, have fun, let me know when you’re finished.”

Logan faltered, watching him turn to leave.

“You- you aren’t going to stay and do this with me?”

“You want me to?” Remus crossed his arms over his chest and fixed Logan with a gaze that could (figuratively) wilt flowers.

“I- Yes? If you aren’t at all interested right now, then I can save this experiment for another day?” Yeah, this wasn’t working, but Logan had no backup.

“No, no, don’t wait for me, you’ve already got everything you need, right?”

“I mean- technically, yes, but it- it wouldn’t be the same.”

Remus cackled, sounding quite like the cartoonish villain that he often acted as. It hurt to listen to.

“So that’s what this is about! Let me just fix you up, then!” 

He snapped, and a blank humanoid form appeared at his side. It tilted its faceless head curiously at Logan, who recoiled.

“Not good enough? Is a hunk of nothing too unrealistic for you?” he snapped again, and the being suddenly transformed to match its creator exactly. 

Nearly exactly: it wore an enthusiastic grin, eyes wide and sparkling, rather than the steadily building fire that raged in real-Remus’ eyes. It spoke in a disgustingly cheery tone.

“Wow, tell me more! Show me that again? What happens when you do that? You’re just so interesting, Lo!” 

Remus watched the creation, a look of one part pride and a million parts resentment.

“Is that what you want? It’s just like me, but without any of the hassle of being another person that you have to deal with! And this one, you really can get rid of whenever you want, isn’t that great?”

Logan looked between the two, a fearful understanding creeping up his spine. There was something he was missing here, wasn’t there?

“No,” he muttered, half to the fake-Duke and half to the real one. 

“No?” Remus spat, circling his mirror, “No, of course, you’re so right. This isn’t nearly enough.”

He made an elaborate gesture, and about a dozen more Creativities appeared, surrounding them. Logan stumbled back from them, nearly tripping on the operating table that they’d previously made. When he looked up, the real Remus was approaching him with an expression that fought its way between guilt and indignation. It was all at once heart-wrenching and frightening. 

Logan tried to right himself, tried to look unaffected and certain of himself, as he raised his voice. He would not let this go a step farther, despite his confusion.

“Stop,” and with that, a wave rocked across The Imagination, and all was erased. In the aftermath he stood before a teary-eyed Remus (just the one, though), uncharacteristically looking like a stiff wind would knock him right over.

“What’s wrong? I gave you what you wanted!”

Logan reeled.

“Why would you think I wanted any of that?” 

“You wanted an experiment, I gave you one! You wanted a willing audience, I gave you twelve! But I guess I just get everything wrong, right?”

“You know that isn’t true,” Logan felt choked, his words clumsy. It was foreign and horrible and disgusting, but he’d trudge through it all if it meant fixing whatever he’d done wrong. It couldn’t have just been him losing focus once? Could it? 

“Oh, of course, I do just enough to be useful. So I’ve got that right; I’m a good utensil. Is it so much to ask that people would care about me, not just what I can do?” he posed a rhetorical oozing with vitriol, but it quickly evaporated into something much more desperate, “What if it’s my fault? It was my idea, I wanted to help. I don’t know why I thought you’d care past all that, did I give you a reason to? I can’t remember. It might make more sense that way, if I were the problem, wouldn’t it?”

Logan was running out of time to fix this, watching Remus curl in on himself, barely keeping from falling to the floor. He had no clue how The Duke had reached the conclusion that he didn’t care about him! They spent nearly all their free time together: sitting next to each other just to have the company, throwing each other tricky and often troubling questions to answer, constantly toiling away at things in The Imagination. Sometimes, they didn’t even need to talk, they just worked together in rapt silence; Remus did the creating and Logan arranged his work just so, and- Wait. Wait. Wait.

Logan didn’t need to talk, or touch, for that matter. Perhaps it was a mistake to presume the same for such a needy, affectionate, boisterous side? 

No, not perhaps, it was a huge mistake. A major fuck-up, if you will. 

He’d thought, if the blunt side had needed such comforts, surely he would initiate it? He hardly shied away from anything, except, well. 

Except. Feelings. 

God, he was the dumbest smart person in the world.

“Oh, Remus…”

The Duke’s head jerked up, continuing his back-and-forth of desperation and rage. 

“I don't need your pity!”

Logan sighed, twisting the end of his tie in frustration. 

“That isn't what I'm offering,” he took a breath before continuing, linking the words together so it would come out right. “I'm so sorry, I didn't take into account how you would interpret our interactions. I thought it was obvious that I cared for you, that I didn't need to say it outright. Clearly… I was wrong. So, if you need more than what I previously expressed- which I'm now realizing was very little in the eyes of someone who is not me- then I am happy to provide that for you.” 

Remus was shaken, a good deal of his ire slipping away. Whether that was good or bad remained unclear.

Before it could be overthought, Logan crossed the remaining few feet between them and brought his arms around The Duke in his loose approximation of a hug. The trait froze, but he didn't pull away. 

Physical affection, check. 

“I value your companionship more than I'm entirely sure how to verbalize. You understand me in a way that most others don’t seem to. While your ability to make detailed creations is very helpful, it is hardly the only thing I appreciate about you. 

“For one, you make me laugh. A lot. More than I'm used to. Additionally, you can easily match the pace with which I speak, or change topics! And, you are so much smarter than you make yourself out to be,” Logan finished the spiel with a smile, genuinely proud at his ability to articulate such… sentimental things, with relative ease. Words of affirmation, check.

He snapped back to attention when Remus brought shaking hands up to Logan's chest. For a moment, he worried that Remus would shove him away. The fears dissipated when all he did was bunch the front of Logan's shirt in his hands and hold on tight. 

“Do you mean that,” his volume was low, “Or do you just want me to calm down?”

Logan tightened his grip around him and, following a motion that he'd seen Patton employ many times to great success, he rubbed up and down his back.

“I understand that it might be hard for you to trust me, but I promise I'm not lying to you. I would have to be pretty awful to do something like that, wouldn't I?”

Hesitantly, Remus nodded against his collar. A good sign, but there was one thing left he had to say. 

“And- If you need further convincing- then you should know. I love you.”

Remus stilled. He then unfisted his hands from Logan's shirt. It was an anticipatory second before he threw his arms around the logical trait and finally returned the hug. His hold was crushing, and it was the most comforting thing that Logan had ever felt. 

They were okay.

“I'm sorry I-” 

Logan didn’t let him finish the apology. 

“Don't be. You didn't know how I felt, because I hadn't communicated it in a way you understood. That is hardly your fault.”

Remus nodded again, remaining much quieter than he’d probably ever been in his entire existence.

They held each other for longer than either would like to admit, speaking softly. 

“Thanks,” was muttered against Logan’s shoulder. 

“Of course. Just so you know, I'm more than willing to do this again whenever you need reassurance.”

“It might be a lot,” his tone was turning more mischievous, more him, “Are you sure you can handle that?”

“Absolutely.”

Logan hardly minded having an opportunity to gush about Remus to Remus. Not to mention, the physical affection was even nicer than he'd imagined it being. And oh, had he imagined it. 

Remus' face returned to his usual ever-present zeal, and he ended their hug to bounce in place. 

“Great! I'm good now! We can get on with that autopsy you wanted to show me- there better be buckets of blood!”

Logan shifted his weight. 

“Maybe we should save that for another day.”

“Oh,” Remus' face fell the smallest bit, “Okay.”

Logan was quick to amend:

“By that I mean, I have something better in mind.”

 Remus curled himself up in Logan’s lap, his eyes barely focused on the TV as the side carded his hands through his tangled mop of hair. Final Destination 3 played on the television (he had assured Logan that they didn't need to see the first two, and he was mostly right), serving as an excuse for the two to drink in each other's company. 

It was right in the middle of a particularly graphic rollercoaster scene that Remus took Logan's hands from his hair to hold them, twisting around to face him.

“Is something wrong, Remus?”

“You told me you loved me,” he stated blankly. 

“Yes, I did.”

“I didn't say it back!”

“No, you didn't,” it hadn't been the most important matter at the time, really. “You don't have to say it. It's perfectly okay if you don't feel the s- Mmph!”

Remus smashed their lips together, holding the sides of Logan's face (disrupting his glasses in the process) and pulling him forward harshly. 

Logan, for less than a second, was floored. And then Remus tilted his head to deepen the already heated kiss, and the situation properly clicked. Logan reciprocated, slightly uncertain in his movements, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist. 

Remus smiled against him. He nipped at Logan's lower lip with sharpened teeth, eliciting a very embarrassing yelp. Logic let his lips part in response as his thoughts grew fuzzier by the second. 

The (somewhat clumsy) open-mouthed kiss lasted right until they absolutely had to break, separating for air. Neither moved very far, letting their foreheads rest against each other and all but panting for breath.

“I love you so fuckin' much, nerd,” when Remus spoke, their lips brushed ever so slightly, “Just so you know.”

“I picked up on that, yes.” 

“A little clarity never hurts, right?”

Logan chuckled at the reference to his own sentiments, but the sound was abruptly cut off when Remus kissed him properly again. 

When they broke apart, he explained how 'stupid-cute' that laugh was. And Logan, only half-joking (since when did he joke at all?), said that he’d have to do it more often.

Banter came easily to them, despite the raw undercurrent that still laced their conversation. Although, neither of them had ever found it difficult to talk; talk about the first thing that came to mind and the last thing that would come to anyone’s mind, talk about exceedingly simple nonsense and topics so intricate that they wound up sounding like nonsense, just talk.

So things would stay mostly the same. They would ramble to each other when no one else could stand to hear such disturbing things. They would sit, working side by side, running through plans and ideas and results at rapid-paced speech. They’d speak, and they would listen, when even their closest friends couldn’t manage such patience.

Only now, sometimes the rushed words might turn soft. Now, all that ranting might be more substantial than anyone would at first see. Now, they’d still listen, but leaned close together, gazes impossibly fond.

But then, on occasion, they would find that there were things far more fun than talking to do together.

@shrimp-crockpot

[rigelmejo]

Unrelated completely, regarding listening reading method:

I am genuinely so excited to test the listening reading method out wholeheartedly. When I looked up the method, few people were trying it with Chinese, and of the people I saw a lot were beginners with less vocabulary than I have which I think both made the task harder for them and made their progress look different than I imagine mine will.

For example, in my first attempts using listening reading method, I noticed I picked up a TON of words I could already read, and a TON of phrases I could already read but didn’t properly “chunk” until I heard them aloud. Whereas the beginners tended to document picking up entirely new words, and not understanding much of any paragraph for the first several chapters. Whereas again, because I had more vocabulary, my first chapters I listening reading method did I heard a TON of individual words/followed the main gist, and it took several chapters for me to start finally understanding full phrase chunks and sentence chunks together. I 100% think the listening reading method can work with mandarin, I just think since few people have tried it and shared the experience, I’m going to find out how much it can improve someone’s mandarin myself...

I saw people who did listening reading method with german, and Dutch, who like the creator of the method ended up going from 0 to B1-B2 listening and sometimes-reading* skill in 3-5 months (reading skill tended to depend on how much they focused on the actual text during target language audio/target language text portion). The people with the most success usually already had a foundation of several hundred or a couple thousand common words, and had seen some grammar summarized beforehand (both of which I have already done with mandarin). I’m extremely curious how far the listening reading method can take my reading skills specifically - since the method mainly improves listening, and reading is simply affected a bit as a consequence of picking up new words/reading target language text along with the audio during one of the steps. With Chinese I suspect I’ll have to do more Hanzi learning, and reading-only work like intensive reading, to supplement my reading skills. However I already do a lot of intensive reading, so maybe that will keep the skills relatively even.

I do know that only couple dozen hours of listening reading method already boosted my listening skills a TON. So listening reading method definitely improves listening skills, as it is intended to. The actual method suggests learners listen read through an entire novel in a week or two, then do another novel etc, at least 3 novels though potentially more - and redoing some novels again from the start if desired. For my kind of novels - like Guardian by Priest, that means 106+ chapters, 800+ pages, 30 minutes audio a chapter (53 hours for the English text-chinese audio portion, another 53 hours for the Chinese text-chinese audio portion, and lets say half as many hours to read it in English 26.5 hours). So that is 132.5+ hours to listen read to Guardian. The listening reading method assumes you do a few books, so let’s say around 3 books, 396 hours (roughly 400 hours). Well... no wonder people saw such improvements! 400 hours of listening to comprehensible input in a European language will get an English speaker quite far into learning. Most European languages according to FSI take around 600-750 hours for an English native speaker to learn. Listening reading method would fill a huge chunk of those hours, and if you focus on the reading portion too, then that should definitely at least be a solid foundation into B1 I can imagine.

Listening reading methods creator also tends to do these in 6-12 hour reading bursts per day - which I absolutely never do because I’m lazy and unable to focus on things for too long usually without switching things up. But like I’ve mentioned, even me just doing maybe 12 hours of listening reading method so far, in small 30 minute to 2 hour chunks, has been enough to make noticeable improvement in my listening comprehension. If someone is already intermediate and just wants to improve their listening skill, I think they’d see fast results like I have regarding their listening skill dragging up closer to their reading skill level.

When I read the listening reading method creators website, they sounded like 10 hours was about how long it took (for beginners in a language) to start parsing individual words and recognizing them, 30 hours to start hearing word chunks and phrases they could understand, and 60-100 hours to start comprehending a majority of the words.

I am therefore very curious what my rate of improvement will be. I do feel chinese study using the listening reading method at least for listening skills will see similar levels of improvement. I’m wondering if my listening skills will improve a bit faster, since I’m already past the “progress at 30 hours” mark expectations wise - I can hear many individual words, can hear many sentence chunks/phrases, and just struggle to follow some full sentences and catch brand new words until I’ve heard them several times. I do very much want to completely go through Guardian with this method - for many reasons lol. 1. Because I’ve been wanting to read it in english and I’ll have a chance to use that for study which is cool, 2. Because I’ve been wanting to read it in chinese and this makes it doable/more comprehensible for my current skill level (aka following along to the audiobook I will read at a less slow pace/comprehend more since the English will be fresh in my mind, compared to if I just read it extensively on its own), 3. Avenuex made a beautiful audiobook I adore and I’ll have an excuse to listen to it while actually comprehending everything since I’ll have the English and Chinese novel to look at while o read! So... once I’m through Guardian, I’ll be able to answer for myself what over 100 hours of progress doing the listening reading method produce, how well it works when using a book with a more complicated/high vocab style - which is sort of priest, reading challenge wise, and the kind of novel the listening reading method creator recommends using. Also, I’ll have read Guardian! ovo)/ and I will have read a full priest novel, so I’ll have picked up words by my favorite author that will hopefully make other priest novels easier to read (the same reason Tian Ya Ke may be helpful).

———-

Another thing people who have tried the listening reading method suggest doing first (particularly if studying a language much different than your native language, but for any language tbh). The creator of the method suggested: knowing a few hundred to a few thousand common words, and having looked at a grammar guide or overview prior. That’s something anyone who’s already a bit of a beginner, to low intermediate, probably has done or is doing. In addition, some people who have done this method suggested using something like sentence audio flashcards (in English and target language audio) and listening to them a few times, repeating them, until one felt comfortable with them. Generally common word/grammar ones, and you could do “listening reading” with those sentences too (reading them while listening to the audio). This would serve as a primer to learn the basics comfortably before going into listening reading novels. They suggested doing yjis would make the method work better - they got to B2 in Dutch in a handful of months of intensive listening reading by doing this beforehand and they think it helped a lot. While I think it’s not necessary, I do think of listening reading is hard, then getting a basis beforehand as a beginner and/or covering a easier basics common language material first will help. I use the Chinese SpoonFed Audio files which basically amounts to the same thing but no reading (if I used the flashcards still, it would include reading). So I do have some sentences/phrases/words I have a good listening foundation for already. Also, as mentioned, I do read, so for many common words and Hanzi I already can read them. I do think this advice is very good for beginners though, if they want to see noticable results sooner (versus 30-50 hours into listening reading before they start learning significant amounts - basically it just means they’d do 30-50 hours prestudy instead of basic common words/grammar, to make the listening reading initially less difficult). A total beginner could dive right into listening reading (just like my chaotic self first started to try to read Chinese knowing 500 words and brute forcing mdzs and guardian a few paragraphs at a time), it just means it’ll feel more difficult at first for a while, and they’ll be mostly learning basics for a while first before they build enough of a basis to comprehend more. Which is fine. It all just comes down to how much incompréhensibilty can you personally tolerate without giving up. The creator of the method? Can tolerate a TON. Me? I can tolerate a brutally large amount, surprisingly, but usually I need to comprehend had least the main idea and that’s a minimum of like 40-60% depending on which parts I’m comprehending. Most people will feel it’s unbearable until they can comprehend at least 80-90% (and I certainly PREFER material I comprehend that much of). And most people ideally are comfortable once they understand 95-98% (think reading a book in your native language with some unknown words you can figure out easily from context, or graded readers made to feel this easy with around this many unknown words for you to figure out in context, or maybe manhua/manga/comics once you’re a pretty decent intemediate level in a language etc).

[jippy-kandi]

Digimon Adventure: 2020 – Episode 1: Tokyo: Digital Crisis! (Review)

Thoughts on the first episode of the Digimon Adventure reboot series.

Disclaimer: I just want to make it clear that I’m watching and reviewing Digimon Adventure: 2020 in the context of it being a children’s anime -- because that’s what it is. By design, it’s obviously going to be “dumb” to the mind of the average adult. But that’s OK, because it’s for kids. And for a first episode aimed at children? It was pretty good.

The opening credits were 99% Taichi and I don’t like it if it’s permanently going to be this way. But I’m hoping that it will change to perhaps be character-centric to the person being “highlighted” in a particular episode, going through all eight kids, until there’s a permanent one where all eight are equally in it. I also hope the same for the ending credits.

I noticed that Angemon and Angewomon were missing from the opening credits, whereas the other digimon evolutions are shown. So I assume they’re following in OG Adventure’s footsteps and doing the whole “special angel” evolution reveal? I’m OK with that. It seems really interesting how they’re setting up Takeru and Hikari to be included this time (as they were both missing in the ending credits with the other five standing opposite Yamato . . .).

Both the opening and ending songs are fine, but I prefer the original songs, especially Butter-Fly. You are missed, Kouji Wada. <3

The art and animation of this series is really good. Toei Animation are really putting money into this series. I’m impressed.

I have mixed feelings about how they chose to introduce the characters. On the one hand, I think utilising just two characters is great to really highlight them to the audience and not overwhelm them with too much information. But on the other hand . . . I think introducing all eight characters in the first episode would make it appeal to more kids, because they can easily identify with one kid and keep watching the series. But a kid might watch this first episode, not like Taichi or Koushirou, and just switch off from the series completely. But I think what they went for is probably best for how they plan to introduce the characters (particularly regarding what they have in store for Yamato being a lone wolf who joins them later).

Taichi was a bit too generic to me. But, it’s only the first episode, so this isn’t a real criticism -- I’m sure he’ll be fleshed out as the series progresses. He also seems more responsible than OG Taichi. And while I do like his new voice, I think Toshiko Fujita was a lot better; she managed to convey more personality in her voice.

Koushirou was actually quite “cute”. But I’m not sure I totally like that he’s being portrayed as shy . . . he never seemed shy to me in the original series, but just a kid who was super absorbed in his own tech world. But his shyness did make him more endearing? I’m just not used to it so I find it a bit unsettling. But it does “humanise” him more and thus makes him more relatable, rather than just a distant tech nerd, so I guess it’s a positive? I also really like his voice.

I am liking the Taichi/Koushirou friendship a lot. You can tell Koushirou is going to completely idolise Taichi for making him feel included and “useful”. And let’s be real: Koushirou has always been the most underrated character when it comes to popularity, relative to actual impact on the plot, because he’s actually the one who solves almost everything and he doesn’t get nearly as much credit for it as he deserves in the fandom. It’s nice that they’ve spotlighted him with Taichi in this episode.

So apparently Mimi’s family owns a conglomerate because they made both Koushirou’s tablet computer and Takeru’s hat? I always thought the weird “TK” scrawled on his hat was for his name (TaKeru or T.K.), but apparently it’s for TachiKawa! Wow, Mimi is insanely rich this time around (moreso than the first). Princess indeed!

Takeru’s design is so freaking adorable. I still think his clothes are a bit off, but his face is so adorable! And I didn’t really think that of OG Takeru. I mean . . . I guess he was kind of adorable, but not overwhelmingly so like this one! He hasn’t said one line but, OMG, the cuteness. *SQUISH*

Did anyone notice that in Takeru’s room, there is a poster of an ASTRONAUT? OMG I loved that! What a nice throwback to Yamato’s future career in OG Adventure (and thus to the 02 epilogue!). I can imagine reboot Yamato idolising astronauts and influencing Takeru into liking them, too. Awesome Easter egg there!

So the Crests are showing up right from the start. No rehash of finding the Tags and Crests, then! (Or will they find the physical forms later?) I really like how different from OG Adventure it already is, while keeping touches of the old as well. Toei have done a good job with mixing the old and new so far. Keep it up!

I thought Taichi’s meeting with Agumon was super cute and quite “realistic” with Taichi reaching his hand out to “pet” Agumon! Though Taichi is obviously more courageous than the average person, because uh, I would be afraid that dino would bite my hand off, lol.

I thought Agumon’s evolution “sequence” to Greymon was really cool, but at the same time, I did miss an actual evolution sequence like the OG one. It’s probably just nostalgia making me feel that way. I can accept this new version though! It feels very “updated”.

It was very fast-paced compared to OG Adventure. I’m not sure I entirely like that Agumon evolved so easily and so quickly to Greymon in the very first episode, but it also didn’t seem to hinder the episode. But where do they go from here? What do they have planned to pad out this series if things happen so quickly? I’m intrigued to find out!

Oh, remember how I said less than 24 hours ago that I might not even like reboot Yamato? Yeah, well . . . throw that idea out the window, because the dude had two seconds at the end of this episode and HE ALREADY WON ME OVER lmao. He had NO LINES and was still the highlight of the episode for me. My attachment to him is insane. (Of course, I’m hoping he doesn’t turn out to be a super douche, lol.) I like that he was “chosen” before Taichi and was in the Network before him. What have you been up to in there, Yamato?

While I LOVED the ending credits, as I said before, I hope it changes to be central for each specific character (going through all eight kids), before there is a permanent main ending that includes all the characters equally. I really don’t like how Toei Animation seems to forget that there are EIGHT CHARACTERS and not just two. Come on, Toei, do the right thing!

But . . . let’s talk about the ending credits. IT WAS AMAZING. It characterised Yamato so much without him saying a word. I love that he’s still a lone wolf, that music is still a big part of his life (a bass at 11!), and that his love for Takeru is still so genuine. There was also a pivotal scene where it shows Jou, Mimi, Taichi, Sora and Koushirou standing together, and Taichi smiles at Yamato, who hesitantly steps forward to join them. I loved that! It made me think about the discarded plot where “Yamato might’ve separated from the group entirely” -- it seems like this is a reverse version and I can’t wait to see it play out. The scene that inspired that discarded plot idea was when Yamato decides to fight Taichi, and Sora yells at him to stop -- and I just loved her reactions to him throughout that arc. Especially because, if Taichi had turned on the group, I think Sora’s first instinct would be to conk him over the head -- but she gives Yamato a massive pass and then supports him to separate from the group to find himself. My Sorato thoughts are already swirling about how Sora will react to Yamato in this reboot! Will she hate him at first? Will she ask him to join? Oh my, they haven’t even interacted in this reboot and I’m already shipping them, lmao. I hope Sorato still have a connection in this reboot!

Overall, I liked it for a children’s anime. And I never would have watched it if it wasn’t a reboot with the original Adventure cast, as I have only seen a few episodes of Tamers, Frontier and Savers . . . and a few seconds where Yamato shows up in Xros Wars, lol. I’m not interested in Digimon, I’m interested in the Adventure cast. So I’m really glad this reboot exists! I’ll happily watch all episodes of this series because it’s more of my kids goddamnit. XD

Oh, and I just want to apologise that even though the episode was focussed on Taichi and Koushirou, I used screenshots of Yamato and Sora for the episode post . . . I’m sorry, I’m a Sorato blog! XD;

I think I will do a weekly Digimon Adventure: 2020 “review”, because the episodes are only 20-ish minutes long and it’s easy enough to consume and write about. And even if I might not have a lot to say about a particular episode, I can still spam Sorato screenshots, lol. :P

I can’t wait for the next episode! Because: YAMATO. <3

[letsperaltiago]

don't blame me, love made me crazy

Written upon request for #58 from the 101 fluffy prompts-list:

"We’ve become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about. "

Read on ao3 

Every like and reblog is appreciated <3

Also, tried to just... slowly approach smut and idk I’m so scared!! Send help or inspo! 😅🤧

“What was that all about?” Amy complained to her husband as she closed their front door behind them and kicked off her shoes prior to neatly lining them up by the door. Behind her trailed Jake who automatically copied his wife’s actions looking at her with an equal amount of wonder as he didn’t hold the answer for her question. “We didn’t do anything out of the ordinary?” she threw him another question meanwhile her jacket was removed as well, hung on its designated crook to reveal the flowy, burgundy, flower-patterned dress she’d been wearing for the evening at their friend’s house.

“I don’t know, Ames,” he tried to calm her down, which was always easiest if he didn’t make a big deal out of it – when he was calm he had a better chance of rubbing off on her. But alas it had been very clear from the moment the subject had been brought up at the dinner table that Amy was not going to let go of it until resolved: a stubbornness, a will to succeed that Jake deeply admired and loved but also, at times and in some certain contexts, had his apprehensions about.

“Are we that horrible to be around as a couple?” from where Jake had his back turned on the living room as he took off his leather jacket, he could hear Amy slump down onto the couch loudly flaunting her disappointment in what they’d been told tonight.

It, of course, had occurred to them both that they were married. Very much so: everything from all the meticulous planning of the big day to it being completely butchered by a bomb threat to then still getting married in front of the precinct? Oh yes, they were definitely so very married. And they both adored this new take on their love to the moon, probably even further, and back. But at tonight’s monthly Nine-Nine family-dinner, the first since their wedding in May, they’d suddenly been made aware of the fact that the newly attained degree of their relationship had reached a whole new, very specific kind of vibe: They were told that it made their “already borderline sickly affectionate affinity even more intolerable” (quote Rosa) and made them “professionally and personally challenging to be around when together” (Holt’s addition to the matter at hand).

“I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that,” he slumped down, joining Amy on their couch before instinctively slinging an arm around her shoulders both as to comfort her but also by sheer selfishness, because not touching Amy Santiago at all times was a crime. She, just as him not being able to resist her spouse’s touch, leaned into it placing her head in his shoulder. “You know Holt and Rosa. They have their ways of handling emotional subjects, but they never truly mean to hurt or upset anyone.”

“Maybe…” she huffed but her husband’s attempt at convincing and comforting her didn’t seem to be quite enough. She needed the thrill  and satisfaction of a solve, which meant she needed to treat the matter at hand like an open case – an investigation. She abruptly sat up straight automatically causing Jake’s arm to slide off of her “… but I’m pretty sure we didn’t go overboard with anything?” Amy turned her head to look behind her expecting an answer, but her still leaned back, somewhat disturbingly unaffected husband, looked at her with raised eyebrows and discreetly amused eyes. You’d think he’d worry more than he appeared to do, Amy couldn’t help but think…

“Honey, I know you have this need to control everything, which 99% of the time is both admirable and adorable, but right now you’re just riling yourself up about something that isn’t that deep. They all love us and in the end they just want us to be happy. Even if we get a bit lovey-dovey at times,” he confirmed his little explanation with a warm smile.

“I don’t give a hoot, Jake!” Amy exclaimed totally disregarding Jake’s actually pretty reasonable words. “We’re going to run through every second of that dinner and pinpoint every couple-y interaction we’ve had!” She got up and ran towards her little library/office-room.

“We?” Jake questioned mid-yawn, trying to follow her with his eyes until she disappeared into the other room, left behind surprised by his wife’s sudden initiative. A initiative which he appeared to be have been dragged into.

“Yes,” Amy yelled from the other room. “We’re going to write down every single couple-y thing we did at dinner tonight, from the second we walked into Terry’s place to the time we left, and prove that we aren’t that bad!”

Mostly just wanting to give into the tiredness and desire to just go to bed and cuddlee with his wife, but also knowing he wanted to stick to Amy’s side for this, hopefully keeping her tendency spiraling a bay, Jake tiredly rubbed his eyes trying to push aside the incoming feeling of exhaustion. And as if on cue, the second he lied down stretching out on the soft material of their couch, Amy marched back into the living room with notebook and pen in hand. When she sat down on the floor abreast Jake’s head, between the couch and the coffee table placing her appliance on the surface before her, Jake then noticed how she’d pulled her before lose, casual waves into a high pony tail – she nor the magnitude of Amy’s mission was to be messed with.

“Okay, so…”

From his admittedly relaxed and not as intensely engaged position Jake could, by an inch over her shoulder, catch a glimpse of the now open notebook where Amy’s elegant handwriting was preparing a neat list to be filled, appropriately titled List of reasons why we’ve been  “too much”.  Jake chuckled to himself allowing his eyes to rest just a bit, sneak closed, as he of course would stay awake with Amy but physically couldn’t fight his body’s tiredness entirely. Being there physically would surely be good enough.

“Okay, so we arrived at Terry’s house, separately, very important to note…” she scribbled down before continuing, “…since you worked a bit later, thus came directly from work with Charles so we couldn’t have possibly done anything there…” Amy started scribbling down until Jake chimed, or rather muttered, in himself.

“But since I’d missed you for those few hours after you left work, I walked directly over to you and kissed you in front of everyone before saying-“

“Hi, beautiful wife…” Amy finished his sentence quoting the moment from earlier by memory with a defeated voice upon realizing this wouldn’t be a moment in her favor. She quietly wrote it down not feeling like further commenting. “Okay, but that isn’t uncommon for us… or just any couple in general!”

“I know, babe,” Jake yawned.

“So no reason for them to be upset about that… Anyways, then we stood in the kitchen while Terry and Charles finished cooking dinner, had a glass of wine… Pretty innocent if you ask me-“

“Until we touched glasses and toasted to our 23 days as husband and wife before sharing another kiss,” Jake added sheepishly earning himself another discontent grunt prompting the sound of scribbling.  

“Whatever… Let’s move on…”

And thus they did indeed manage to run through every moment, every second, every turning point of the night while Amy dutifully and neatly as always took notes and, internally, realized that she hadn’t really been aware of a lot of the amorous moments between her and Jake - they sort of just happened, naturally, like a consistent love-pattern. Taking up multiple pages of the notebook, the list clearly reflected this, but Amy still seemed somewhat in denial. Or at least right up until she added the final period to wind-up her final bullet point: J jokingly grabbed A’s butt while yelling “Wifey-butt!” when walking to the car after dinner.

“Oh my god…” Amy complained as her body hopelessly slumped back against the couch where Jake was still resting while also being very much dedicated to his wife’s project dismay, since he was the one who 9 times out of 10 would remind her of forgotten moments, stolen kisses and loving gazes she’d forgotten about.

“I can’t believe it,” she twisted her torso as to look at her husband behind her genuinely expecting a horrified expression matching hers alas instead being met by tired, adoring eyes and a grin that was impossible to hide when his wife’s despair upon realization was this cute.

“Why are you smiling?” she frowned mostly frustrated by the situation but also confused by her husband’s lack of shared sentiment.

“We’ve become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about,” he mumbled the side of his face pressed against one of their throw pillows. “It’s cute. That’s all.”

Amy immediately felt defensive about the accusation, mostly because she knew he was right but that wasn’t exactly the expected outcome when she’d set up this little private investigation of her. “I have not complained about-“

“Oh, you’re so cute when you try to disguise the truth, babe,” he kept grinning. If there was one thing Jake loved it was teasing. Something he loved even more? Teasing Amy Santiago. And something he loved even more? Teasing Amy Santiago when she was in a miffy mood.

“I’m serious! When have I ever complained about a bit of PDA ever? People can do whatever they want,” she had now fully switched, made a 180 turn, in her seat on the floor and looked directly at her husband with a challenging demeanor. Jake was not about to let an opportunity of this greatness like this slip away that easily: he was definitely going to get the most out of it.

“I know it’s hard to face the truth,” he said nonchalantly, definitely playing her, meanwhile he switched to lie on his back as he let out an exaggerated yawn and laced his fingers together behind his head as extra support – and also to look that more pleased with himself and the situation.  “But the Jake Peralta boyfriend gone husband-experience can do these sort of… crazy things to a woman. It’s totally cool, honey, if you’ve just been unconsciously swept away by the rush of having me as your husband. It’s out of your control and that’s okay.”

As well as Jake knew he could push her buttons Amy knew just as well, if not even better, that there were many ways to knock Jake off his cocky perch. This, suddenly, was much more important than what anyone thought of them, or her trying to solve the matter, because them being those clingy newlyweds she always complained about meant she always had her husband wrapped around her little finger. Perhaps, she had to admit, it was hypocritical of her to think like this, when she’d been the one whinnying about random couples’ #twomonthsofmarriage-posts on Instagram (Like, who cares about your two months of marriage, Karen?), and the one to roll her eyes upon overhearing some random woman mention her husband 23 times during a 5-minute conversation at their local coffee shop: she was now that annoying Instagram-couple and coffee shop-woman, all in one… A supreme-annoyingly clingy-wife.

But coming to the realization that, perhaps, she was a hypocrite was her learning from her mistakes, right? That was a good thing.

Either way she didn’t really care because, from where she was still planted on the floor before him, Amy could physically feel her brain have a change of attitude as it shut out any previous doubts and anxieties about what other thought of their marriage, their way of loving each other, and instead replacing it with the sudden brutish need to, first of all, shut Jake up, and second of all, rebel against exterior opinions about them.

She was definitely turning to her annoying newlywed-ways to make her husband shut up.

“I guess,” her before frantic tone was now suddenly completely gone and replaced by a sultry, confident tone matching the new-sprung darkness in her eyes. “But then this…”

Jake’s before tired demeanor was swallowed along with his pride the second his always beautiful, and also incredibly hot wife, pushed herself off the floor and mounted the couch to straddle his hips, more precisely the exact area where he knew she knew there would be no opposing her, with the sleek movements of a lioness sneaking up on its prey. It especially threw him off even further when she repositioned herself, innocently pretending to ‘just get comfortable’, thus applying just the right sultry movement and amount of pressure to this most vulnerable area.

“I guess this…” she made sure the ‘s’ was clearly hissed directly into his ear as she, leaned down over him, slowly bit by bit, started to build him up by allowing her hips another grinding motion thus sending electricity through his entire body, before rounding off her pending taunt, “… is not in my control either then.”

There were no to make it past Jake’s gaping lips, all caught up in tangles in his suddenly very dry throat, although the hitch in his breath in reaction to the movement of her hips couldn’t’ve escaped her in a million years. She had him right where she wanted him.

“Is it?” she taunted again unbending her torso back up to sit up straight.

His hands which had before been resting carefree behind his head escaped its spot finding a new home on her waist, gently tracing up and down its curves like a potter shaping soft clay into artwork.

“Ames,” he whimpered upon the sensation of feeling her hands being placed on top of his to guide them downwards, past the narrowest part of her curvature, and fixed on the fullest part of her hips – where she wanted them to be. For now, that is. By instinct, being very familiar with his favorite kind of handful, Jake’s fingers dug into the fabric-clad flesh not caring whether or not he’d leave marks: her uniform would surely cover it in the morning.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t think I can control it when you’re around me, husband,” she definitely felt his body quiver at his still somewhat new title and, God, how sinful of a meaning that simple word had suddenly gained in the moment. Having fulfilled their duty of guiding him to where she wanted his touch, Amy’s hands made their way off of his before torturously sliding up his torso to play with the first, top button of his dark green flannel – one of her favorites on him… and, of course, off. Meeting her secret expectations his hands reacted to her undressing him by sliding his hands down further behind her to then, instead of her waist, grab the curve of her ass, additionally allowing himself to pull her abdomen into a soft motion against him in the desperate need of the friction she’d already given him a foretaste of. Pride was not a thing he contained much of around Amy Santiago-Peralta: was he going to let her make him unravel at the seams so easily? Absolutely. Would he be down for whatever direction she planned on taking this in? Without a doubt, even if it meant just making out followed by some cuddling, although he was currently rock hard and internally praying that she wouldn’t stop the course of things any time soon.

Her fingers popped the last button of his flannel, and with a simple look, she wordlessly ordered him to sit up straight, which he dutifully did, thus allowing her to push the fabric off of his broad shoulders before proceeding to abandon it on the floor. It might’ve been her favorite flannel on him but she liked it even more on the surface of their carpet. Thinking that she had full control of the situation, Amy was definitely startled at the sensation of Jake’s teeth taking a bite into the sensitive skin of her neck, the extra tender area right beneath where her jaw met the side of her throat and whether it was what he’d set out to do or not, he surely extracted a long, deep sigh from her now, between the fondling and the bites, much more agitated body. Seemed as if Jake Santiago-Peralta was back on track after being knocked off his feet for a moment, and though she did immensely enjoy having the upper hand, there was something about Jake fighting his way back to dominance that undeniably had her body feel some kind of way.

She obviously couldn’t, it being physically impossible, see it for herself but oh how she could feel the way her husband’s teeth and lips were painting colorful love-bruises on her more than usual tan and crisp skin (Thank you very much, 2 week honeymoon in Mexico). Although, before her mind could wander off to create a mental top 5-list of most effective ways to hide said up and coming hickeys, her awareness shifted to the feeling of her husband’s purposive hands grabbing the skirt of her dress, pulling it up to bundle droopily around her waist, and earning him a tiny hitch in her throat to be felt where his teeth were still attached to her.

All the teasing, the control she’d gained in counter to his cockiness, had with the snap of the fingers dissolved into the shameless abandoning of herself, giving in to the fervor he so powerfully incited within her.

“Stop worrying,” he slowly ran his hands up under the bundled material before redirecting his hands back to hold onto the soft pulp of her ass, this time the only barrier being the fabric of her panties, earning him a tiny squirm telling him she slowly began to unravel at the seams – just for him. His lips targeted a new area: hers. “You’re my wife. I’m your husband. No one gets to decide what can and can’t do.”  

As if to enhance his point, making sure she wouldn’t forget anytime soon, there was a brief moment where he drew back just a few inches to look directly into her eyes with passion still burning in his. Meanwhile one hand had left her behind and instead purposefully grabbed her jaw, making sure to keep the grip somewhat soft as to not hurt her but still firm enough to make sure she would look back.  If he hadn’t had a certain agenda in mind he would’ve let the image before him bring him to his knees: Amy, messy hair, swollen lips, dark eyes, ruffled and barely holding on dress. But he had to stay firm and focused. His hand didn’t let go of her jaw and she dutifully complied deeply turned on by the discourse of the events and this persona Jake had chosen to bring out. Usually she loved having the upper hand during sexy timez, but somehow, seeing how Jake was handling her when her mind was spinning out of control, his sudden craving for dominance came like a blessing in disguise.

His lips crashed with hers, and being distracted like she was by his mesmerising dominant persona, it took her by both storm and surprise thus not being able to hold back a pure, honest moan holding so much pleasure. Only the way his fingers teasingly traced the lace on the edge of her panties could come near taking her attention away from what, in the moment, felt like her life’s hottest kiss.

“Understood?” he breathed into her lips barely able to with the lack of air in his lungs. She nodded grasping desperately at the soft white fabric of his undershirt.

“Good,” he growled, pleased by the newfound wet fabric between his wife’s legs meaning he was certainly doing something right: he had her exactly where he wanted her, both physically and mentally, and he had his now slick fingers as proof.

“Now,” he continuously toyed with the fabric, feeling up her heat before slowly edging the pantie as far down as her bent legs straddling him would allow. “You’re going to rip that list out of your notebook… ” his lips slid away from hers redirecting to nibble on her ear lobe. “Then you’re going to throw it out… ” a kiss to the shell of her ear followed behind, setting up his final act of persuasion. She was so far gone under the influence of his touch that she didn’t even care to disagree with having to throw out 20 minutes dedicated research, ink from her favorite pen and quality paper from one of her best notebooks.

“… and then your husband is going to take you to your bedroom and fuck you so hard you’ll forget the others even said anything at all. I’ll make sure you never complain about being newlyweds ever again.”

[squeeneyart]

Breathe in the Salt - Chapter 8

AO3

Beta read by @thesnadger who constantly drags me away from the passive voice.

Martin makes a decision.

The research team makes a plan.

Communication ceased once Martin began his ascent, and with every step he felt more and more like an idiot. This was some sort of evil trap, and now that he had fallen into it the thing had no more reason to talk to him. All it had to do was wait for him to reach the top. And he would go, if only because of some natural connection to the sound of his own voice.

This is what he got for talking to himself through objects. How often had he spoken aloud to those silent walls, secure in his belief that no one could be listening? If he returned from this misguided venture intact, his words would remain safely on paper, where no one could snatch them.

Martin could still turn around, but then he wouldn’t know what it was. From then on, he would have to sit in the lighthouse, forever convincing himself that sound just ‘traveled weird here’. If he wanted to keep his job, Martin would have to face whatever it was and not let it scare him out of a good paycheck. And if the thing turned out to be a long-dead person reaching out for help, then turning around at this juncture would be a horrible trick to play.

Above all, the others had come here to figure out what’s going on. He and Jon had agreed to work together, and Martin had no intention of slacking on his end even if he wasn’t exactly an equal in this field. So, he climbed the stairs toward the unknown creature luring him upwards with his own stupid voice. Then, he paused.

“Yes,” he said, waiting for the sound to fade. Nothing followed after it. “No.” After a moment, he started walking again. He noticed immediately that his footsteps were deadened. “Oh, um, thanks. I-I figured those would be useful for whatever you’re leading me to. May I ask some questions?”

“Yes.”

Martin took a deep breath. “Am I safe going up to the top?”

He didn’t receive an answer until his voice had ceased to echo. “No. Me. Okay?” The sound ended with Sasha’s upward inflection.

“Oh. Well, um. That’s not okay? Or not very encouraging?”

“Me. Okay.” Only his own voice rang out this time.

“You… okay… You are okay? You specifically are safe?”

“Yes.”

Martin sighed in some small relief. “I guess I have no choice but to take my own word for it.” He chuckled. The close space amplified his discomfort. “I knew already that upstairs wasn’t safe anyway, so dumb question on my end. You… are you the lighthouse?”

“No. Now.”

Martin found himself at the top of the stairs. The room looked as he had left it. “Okay, I’m up here. Are you gonna, I dunno, show yourself?”

A long silence followed before he got a response. “Please? Questions?”

“What do you-Oh. Oh, you need more words. Okay, um… Are you a ghost?” Another moment of silence.

“No.”

Martin deflated. He had been rather hoping for a ghost, if only because he had some context for them. If this wasn’t a ghost… ��Sorry if this is a rude one, but are you a person?”

“Yes. Me. Yourself?”

“What? Yes, I am? Obviously, I- wait, can you see me?”

“No. Me. Yourself?”

There was something Martin wasn’t getting. He let out a frustrated grumble. “Okay, look, you’ll have to keep it to simple yes-or-no answers. I know it’s difficult, but if you’re a person, then I’m trying to help.” No answer followed. He looked about the room. “You wanted me to come up here. Did you want me to look outside?”

“No. Help. Me. Help. Please?”

“I-” Whether the desperation was genuine or just leftover from his own voice, Martin’s heart was in his throat. “I don’t know how. You have to tell me.”

“Help. Me. No. Outside. Please? Questions?”

“I don’t know what else to ask!” His head began to throb with the barrage of words. “W-Why haven’t you spoken before?”

“Top? Happened. Top? Help. Me.”

Letting out a groan, Martin leaned back against the wall. “You just said I didn’t need to see outside! I don’t think I can even go up top? Unless there’s something on the panel that does it.”

“Before? Before? Before? Yes.”

“Now you’re making no sense at all. Shit, this isn’t working.” Martin eyed the stairs.

“Working. Yes.”

“No, it’s definitely not.” Martin pinched the bridge of his nose, letting the word be absorbed by whatever he was speaking to. “Maybe I’m not the person for this. Hell, maybe you’re not even here.”

“Me. Here. Help me. Please? Yourself? Working. Before?”

Pressed against the wall, he sank to the floor. The ache in his head had developed into a full migraine. “Just- just be quiet.” The word filled the room, then subsided. No sound came after. “I’m… I’m sorry. I am trying, but talking to you hurts. It feels like my brain is going to split in half.”

After a few minutes, at a lower but still head-splitting volume, he heard himself speak. “Yourself? Outside? Lighthouse? Me. Here. Okay?”

Martin groaned. The thing was trying to comfort him. He was so incompetent, his own disembodied voice was telling him to take a breather. He dropped his head onto his knees. “No, no, I’m fine. Sorry. Let’s… let’s try again. Did you want me up here for something outside of the lighthouse?”

“No.”

“Okay… Is it in another room of the lighthouse? Downstairs?”

“No. Here.”

“Is it… shit, I’m stupid, is it the panel?” Martin pushed himself off the floor, straightening himself out.

“Yes. Yes. Panel.”

In a few strides, he was standing in front of the many switches, dials, and pulleys. Everything was in order, just as he had left it the day before, except- “This was messed with. Tim, he asked me about it, did he…”

“Yes. Top. Happened. Panel.”

Top. Top happened. Out of habit, Martin twisted the misaligned dial back into place. “You there?” The reverberation on the final word didn’t stretch on as expected, and he received no answer. He turned it back to where it was.

“No. No. No. No. No. No. Please.”

“Sorry! Sorry, I wanted to see if- Sorry, I won’t do that again. Right, okay, um-” He examined the panel, willing himself to have a sudden epiphany of which button did what. Everything was as unmarked as before. “Okay, okay. Question: when Tim messed with it, why didn’t you say anything then?”

“Then? Think. Not. Working? Now. Working?”

Speaking of, Martin’s head was about to tear itself apart. “Okay, you couldn’t for whatever reason. Fine. I’m-” A buzzing came from his pocket. Tim was calling him. “Oh, shit, wait, let me take this. Sorry.” He pressed the answer button. “Hello?”

From the other end, he could hear Tim over heavy static. “Hey, it’s me. Bad news. No dice on the Lukas place, and Jon and Sasha are not happy about it. How’s it going over there?”

Martin paused for a moment, eyes glued to the panel. “Oh, y’know. Getting work done?”

“Great! We’ll be back soon to figure out your ghost problem. Also, wow, the sound quality is fucked just being outside of the place.”

“Yeah, there must be an area around that it affects.”

The sound from Tim’s end became more muffled, as if he had covered the receiver with his hand. After a bit, he said, “Oh, Jon wanted to reiterate that you should avoid contact until further notice. Don’t want you getting replaced by a doppelganger or something-”

Jon spoke from somewhere off to the side. “I never said-”

“We all know you meant it, though!” Jon mumbled something Martin couldn’t hear, then fell silent. “Anyway, see you in a bit!”

Martin’s throat ran dry. His voice came out hoarse as he responded, “Yeah, see you soon.” The other end cut off, and Martin quietly placed the phone back into his pocket. The panel loomed in front of him, making his blood run cold.

“Hello?”

He jumped, the tension in his muscles releasing like a spring. “Y-Yes, I’m still here. Don’t worry.” Keeping his voice even, Martin reached toward the dial and froze. “Hey. Do you promise you’re not going to hurt me? Or the others?”

“Yes. Please? Help.”

Swallowing hard, Martin grabbed the dial. “I’m really sorry, but I have to go. I don’t know who you are, but I’ll come back soon once I know more. I promise.”

“No. Please? Please? Help. Me. Help. Me. H-”

Martin turned the dial, and the room went silent.

--

By the time Tim, Sasha, and Jon returned, Martin was working on the front steps, doing his best to use an old clipboard as a flat surface. His hand was shaking too much to write, but it was enough to look busy.

“Tim said things didn’t go well?” he said, not lifting his head as the three approached.

Jon snorted disdainfully and sat on one of the lower steps to Martin’s left. “A person did come to the door this time, but of course the place we're trying to get into, some sort of storage building, is ‘only open to family members’.” Martin could see Jon using air quotes in his periphery. "Now I’m sure they ignored us yesterday and hoped we wouldn’t come back.”

Tim and Sasha sat on either side of Jon. Tim leaned back and settled his elbows on one of the upper steps. “I could’ve tried my usual method of entry, but the lady who answered us could’ve killed me with that look of hers. Froze my heart solid.”

“I don’t think anyone in that place would be responsive, no. Also, Martin?” She turned to face him. He kept his head down and raised his eyebrows. “Did anything happen when you went back inside? To grab your things?”

“What? Oh, nothing much. It… it did speak to me again. Said to go up.”

Sasha’s stare bore into him. “Martin… did you do what it said?”

Martin’s head shot up. “No! No, I mean, you all said not to, so I didn’t.”

“You’ve been avoiding eye contact, and when Tim called you it was full of static. Did you go upstairs?” she asked, her expression curious and composed.

Tim and Jon turned to stare at him in alarm. Martin’s eyes bounced between all three of them.

“I-I didn’t, I swear! It just-”

Jon raised an eyebrow at him, and Martin’s brain stumbled to a halt. Was there a point to lying? Why had he jumped to it so quickly?

“I… I thought it might be a person.” From there, he couldn’t stop his mouth from running off without him. “And they said they were a person, and I know what you said about me being snatched up, but I think they need help, and I think I know how to help them, but Tim’s call freaked me out so-”

“Martin!” Sasha exclaimed, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Calm down. It’s okay. We’re not mad.”

Jon grimaced. “Just-”

“Please don’t,” Sasha said, putting a finger up to Jon’s face. “It was… not a smart thing to do, obviously, but it’s over now. Come on. Tell us what happened.”

Glancing behind him, Martin let his shoulders sag. “I talked to them for a while. They don’t have a lot of words, but when Tim messed with the panel, it allowed them to communicate through the echoes.”

Sasha and Jon turned their attention to Tim, and Martin looked at him apologetically. Tim gritted his teeth and said, “Martin didn’t have any answers on what the things do, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to-”

“To what, fiddle with delicate instruments that help stop ships from crashing?” Jon asked, crossing his arms.

“Look, we all knew they probably had nothing to do with a big light spinning around! And I could’ve sworn I left it in its original position,” he said, looking up at the lighthouse with uncertainty.

Martin shook his head. “It’s a dial I’m not directly instructed to touch, and it was definitely wrong from what I remember. When I turned it to the correct position the voice stopped, and after turning it back, they seemed panicked? Like it was unpleasant to be cut off.” Martin felt his chest twinge in guilt.

“They said they weren’t a ghost, but they’re not the lighthouse, either. Not now, anyway? That part was unclear. They wanted me to do something with the upstairs panel, to help them somehow. I was going to try, but then Tim called and said the doppelganger thing, so I turned everything back to normal. They… they were really upset.”

Once Martin finished, the other three shared a long, intense look he couldn’t parse, then stood. Sasha said, “Give us a minute.”

He nodded, pulling his knees close. They walked off toward the cliff’s edge. They were talking animatedly, but Martin could hear nothing of their conversation. With no energy left, returning to work was a fool’s errand. The familiarity no longer brought comfort, and his thoughts kept returning to the panel he had worked at every day for months.

Had he been hurting someone this whole time? If so, did they just want his help, or did they hate him for what he had been involved in? Had Peter put him in charge of keeping something dangerous locked up? Is that why the list had to be completed every day? If he had failed it just once, would something terrible have happened? Or-

“Okay.” Martin shook himself out of the panic spiral and looked up. Sasha stood directly in front of him with Tim and Jon following behind. No visible disappointment or anger from her or the other two. That was a plus. “We have a plan for our next step. Hopefully, it will lead to some answers about whatever that thing may be.”

“It’s more of an idea than a plan. I will say, I argued against it,” Tim said, plopping himself next to Martin with a weird grin. “Also, my estimate was a bit off.”

“What?” Martin glanced at the other two in confusion. “What are you thinking?”

Sasha smiled the calm and confident sort of smile Martin knew was meant to be reassuring, but Jon’s sheepish look away all but undermined the effort.

--

With the voice temporarily silenced, Martin finished the rest of his day indoors and completed his panel list, bile rising in his throat as he did so. He left the dial untouched.

Sleep did not come easily that night. Between what had happened and what was to come, all the possible consequences clattered around his skull in a restless cacophony. He wanted a plan. A plan required information, which he wouldn’t be getting that night. There was no point in brainstorming when he had no idea what he would be working with. He couldn’t sleep without a plan. So he spent his night falling in and out of sleep, the line between thoughts and dreams melding into a slurry of stress.

He spent the next work day in a mental fog, split between completing his duties and planning for the night ahead. Supplies, meeting spots, goals, contingencies, crude drawings of the target, the three researchers were a blur as they plotted. At one point he was left alone as the others scouted their target location, and he fought the urge to run upstairs. There would be time for it, but not yet.

When they returned, Martin replaced his glasses to hide the fact that he had been napping at the kitchen table.

“Taking a break?” Jon walked in to hang up his jacket.

“Yeah, just a quick one. Lots of things to keep in my head today. How was the place?”

“Good. No real security as far as we could tell. It might as well be a backyard shed.”

It was said so matter-of-factly that Martin had to scoff. “Is this really something you’ve done before?”

Jon sputtered for a bit. “It’s not something we’ve made a habit of! It isn't as if I drove into town planning on this sort of thing! But sometimes there’s an abandoned flat or closed down shop, and we need to get into them. This place will just be a bit more… active.” Clearing his throat, Jon sat at the table across from him. “Besides, this matter calls for urgent action. If you have your doubts you’re still welcome to excuse yourself, but we’ve made up our minds.”

Martin sat for a moment, picking at his nails. “No. No, I want to help. Things are wrong here. I knew that before you all started poking around, but I’d lived with it so long. I guess I just got used to it?”

“But you told us, and that’s what mattered.” Jon took a deep breath. “I understand if you’re afraid, but I can promise that ignoring it won’t do anything. I’ve definitely tried.” He laughed weakly and rubbed the back of his neck, then settled himself. “These things don’t go away when you stop looking at them.”

Silence hung in the air after the final echoes faded.

Martin spoke again, slowly. “The things you study, are they all like this? All incorporeal and mind-bendy?”

“For the most part, yes. There is a subsection of… beings that I would consider more physical, more concrete, but they don’t generally fall under our group’s purview. I doubt we’ll be running into them. That particular category is notoriously hard to track down because they know it’s more difficult to hide in plain sight, if that makes sense. Things like the-” he waved a hand vaguely upward. “Like them. They can hide by staying quiet. Others aren’t so lucky. If one can’t blend in, it’s better to avoid people altogether.”

Before he could stop himself, Martin said, “Unless they could, I dunno, make themselves look like people!” His laugh was hollow to his own ears. What would possess him to even bring that up?

Jon stared at him as if he had turned inside out. “...I suppose, though I don’t think that’s a problem here.” Shoulders tensing, he leaned toward Martin. “Unless you’ve remembered something else? Something strange in town?”

“No, nothing. Just another thing to be irrationally paranoid about, I guess.” The lie went down smooth, and Martin cursed himself for making it necessary.

This seemed to relax Jon enough for him to back off. “Good. Best to focus on tonight. If things go well, we could have a resolution to all of this in a matter of days.” He lifted his hands, seemed to forget what he had planned to do with them, and laced his fingers together instead. “And don’t worry. We have everything under control.”

--

Martin returned home after swinging by the general store for extra food stuff and batteries. Dinner was a quick affair, and his mother did not require time outside in the clear evening. After she was settled for the night, he went to his room.

On his bed, he laid a flashlight, some old knit hats, a new first aid kid, and a crowbar he had found in the storage room. Once he’d shoved everything into an old backpack, he stared at his phone, willing it to give him a signal that everything was called off. By 11 pm, he had elected to take a short nap. A little before 3 am, he had changed into a jacket that softened his movements and was walking out the front door.

“This is really fucking stupid,” he said, starting his trek up the cliffside. This wasn’t his first time walking on the path after sundown, late work nights had seen to that. He appreciated having a proper flashlight to lead the way, rather than relying on the weak light of his phone. He would have to remember that for the future. Into the darkness surrounding him, he said aloud, “This is bad, right? I shouldn’t be doing this.”

No reassurance or agreement came from the night. “It felt so reasonable when they explained it, and now I’m trundling up to town with a crowbar. ‘We have everything under control’. How is this having things under control? We’re going to get arrested, maybe worse. Sure, yes, I’d like to know what’s going on, but-”

But he might’ve subjected a person to something horrible, and if he didn’t do something soon, it would eat at him until he died and became a lighthouse-haunting ghost himself. If he had to do something reckless and stupid, at least he had others with more experience in doing reckless and stupid things. Breaking into old haunted houses felt less intense than their current objective, but according to his co-conspirators the logistics were about the same.

He reached the treeline, turning off his flashlight before the brush cleared. The town was pitch dark under the cloud cover save for sparse corner lights keeping the night at bay. That, and the intermittent shine of the lighthouse that scanned over his head like a searchlight.

Martin took the long way around, keeping to the edges in an attempt to avoid anyone like himself that might be out in the dead of night. Before reaching his ultimate destination, he ducked into an alleyway where three figures sat against the brick wall. One of them, Tim if he had to guess, waved and pointed across the street, back toward the trees.

Through the dark, Martin could just barely see the outline of a short structure with a flat top, nestled into the foliage. Around the property was a wire fence, just tall enough to be worrisome.

The three stood, adjusting their belongings. Martin handed them one knit hat each. Jon grunted and put his on to cover all but the very ends of his hair.

In the tiniest whisper he could manage, Martin said, “I have to repeat that I would like to not be fired.”

“That could change depending on what we find,” Jon said with a smirk. “And I assume the regular vertigo isn’t exactly a thrilling experience.”

Martin crinkled his nose. “No, no it isn’t. Not that you would know.” Martin bit his tongue, shocked at himself.

Tom snorted, and Jon squinted at Tim in confusion. Martin’s mouth quirked up. He continued, swerving away from his bad decision. “Yeah sure, I’d like to not be dealing with it, but I’d prefer to get that fixed and keep my job?”

Jon gave Tim a suspicious glare. “Of course. We’ve taken every precaution.” He adjusted his gloves and focused back on Martin. “You’re more than welcome to not be involved in the act, but you’ll have to make your decision now.” Jon looked at him, waiting.

He had wanted a way out, and Jon had one for him. All he had to do was take it, but the thought made his tongue dry. They wouldn’t need him, not really. He would bungle it up and find himself in jail, or worse. “Is there any reason I should go in the first place? Me specifically?”

Jon thought for a moment. “You have your own questions. Are you prepared to go looking for answers?” He crossed his arms and held Martin’s gaze.

The sheer expectation in Jon’s eyes hit Martin like a truck, and Martin knew his response. “You know what, fine. Yeah, I’m going.”

Letting out a breath, Jon smiled. “Good. I’d expect nothing less after the stunt you pulled today.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘good to go’ all around?” Sasha asked, slipping a pack over her shoulders and eyeing them both.

Martin nodded, the red tips of his ears quickly hidden under a hat. He mentally addressed the circumstances that had led him so rapidly to the point of breaking into his boss’ family storage house. What day was it, Wednesday? Barely five days and he’s possibly robbing a place with these people?

He felt a hand on his shoulder. Tim smiled, his teeth shining. “It’ll be fine. Just follow their lead. I’ll be out here keeping watch so you idiots get out safe.” Despite everything, it was oddly reassuring.

As he snuck off with Jon and Sasha, Martin felt a ridiculous warmth in his chest. The situation remained the same, he told himself. They were climbing a fence in the dead of night, on their way to do something incredibly illegal. Being in a group referred to as ‘you idiots’ shouldn’t have made him happy in any way.

Well, fuck. It was nice to be included all the same.

[bltngames]

Review: Lloyd the Monkey 2

Back before TSSZ News imploded, I would often do write-ups for many of the games at the Sonic Amateur Games Expo (SAGE). SAGE is an annual online expo that I started all the way back in September of 2000. I personally ran SAGE for over a year, and remained deeply hands on for at least another two years as it continued to grow. The main focus of SAGE was primarily to showcase fangames, in particular Sonic fangames, but the event never limited itself to any one type of game. It's never been uncommon to see original games appear in the lineup -- especially now, given the modern indie scene. 

One such original game was Lloyd the Monkey, a bit of a strange game, written in Javascript of all things and run through a webpage. That by itself was notable enough to stand out from most of the games at SAGE, but Lloyd was also a completely original product created by someone who possibly seemed to be young and new to game development. Making games is no easy feat, especially when they’re written in Javascript and you’re doing tons of original artwork yourself. Taken as that whole, the game impressed me, even if it was more than a little rough around the edges.

Now we have Lloyd the Monkey 2, written in Unity. The developer, Noah Meyer, sent me a Steam key in order to review the game. Up top, I just want to say how I think it’s kind of brave to go all the way in putting the game on Steam and everything. It felt like just a few years ago, newer indie developers sort of had to work up to releasing their game on Steam, usually getting a few releases under their belt first. People view games differently when they’re asked to pay for them, and critics may not be so willing to let circumstances influence their review. It can be a harsh world out there for a beginner.

Lloyd 2 is a much bigger, more ambitious game than the first. Whereas the original Lloyd didn’t even have sound effects, Lloyd 2 introduces voiced cutscenes, some of which are full-on animated cinematics. Quality is about what you would expect -- I would assume the developer sought out friends and acquaintances to voice characters in Lloyd 2, leading to wildly varying audio quality due to differences in recording hardware. Lloyd himself sounds fine, but some of the other characters are a bit quiet, while others have clear background noise. Nothing I heard was unlistenable, however. 

The story is also a little hard to follow. Not much is done to refresh our memories as to who anyone is or what’s going on, we’re just kind of thrown into the middle of things and turned loose. On one hand, it’s nice that the story doesn’t slow the pace of the gameplay down too much. On the other, you’re given a map screen with different objectives to clear but there’s very little context as to what you’re doing or why. At one point I made my way to the end of a Power Plant level only to confront what appeared to be an evil monkey. Despite a whole cutscene involving a conversation between four or five different people, this evil monkey never seemed to say a single word. He just stood there in total silence with a sinister smile. Then I killed him.

I suppose maybe I missed something, however. With greater ambitions comes a number of unfortunate bugs in Lloyd 2, one of which happened not long after our monkey and his crew landed on planet Grecia. I entered what appeared to be a castle to talk to the Queen, but I think the game expected me to take a lower route, where I was apparently meant to overhear the Queen making secret preparations before my arrival. Instead, I took the direct route straight to her chambers, and triggered the cutscene with Lloyd standing in front of her while ominous music played, even though the camera was still clearly focused on the next floor down. I apparently still had some amount of control, because midway through her dialog I touched a teleporter that sent me to the game’s map screen before she was done talking. If that cutscene was meant to give context to what I was doing, I didn’t get a chance to see it.

That was one of the more harmless bugs in my time spent playing Lloyd 2. Harder to ignore was the fact that, within the first 30 seconds of getting control, I soft locked the game. Lloyd 2 opens with a short prologue section where you play as a man with black hair. If you decide to ignore the obvious and go left instead of right, you quickly run out of solid level tiles and begin falling indefinitely. Later areas feature invisible walls presumably to prevent this exact scenario, but for whatever reason they weren’t implemented in the prologue. 

For the most part, Lloyd 2 seems to be a co-op game. Many levels see Lloyd teamed up with an alien princess named Lura, with gameplay vaguely reminiscent of Mega Man X crossed with the tag mechanic from Sonic Mania’s Encore Mode. At the touch of a button, you can switch between the Swordsman Lloyd and the more projectile-based Lura… assuming your partner is still alive, I guess. While playing alone, your partner is controlled by artificial intelligence, but it’s incredibly basic and prone to accidentally committing suicide. That wouldn’t be such a big deal (considering Tails in Sonic 2 never acted in self-preservation either), but once your partner dies, they stay dead. Your only option to bring them back is to either restart the stage or hope another cutscene triggers, since they’ll magically spring back to life in order to say their dialog (though, again, usually only seconds before they fall back into the next death pit). 

This might not be much of a problem, depending on your viewpoint. There’s not much incentive to switch between Lloyd and Lura, so once you pick whoever you think works the best, chances are, you’ll just stick with them. You do unlock special team-up attacks after beating each boss, but this just reinforces the idea that Lloyd the Monkey 2 is meant to be experienced with another person holding a second controller, as most of the team-up attacks require both characters to do something specific that the single player artificial intelligence usually can’t interpret. Regardless, the team-up attacks never seem strictly necessary to progress, so they can be safely ignored if you’re playing solo.

I understand this is a pretty negative review I’ve written here. Lloyd the Monkey 2 aims high and tries to the best of its ability to get there. I assume it was a struggle to get even this far. Making games is hard work, and like any skill, takes practice to get good at. Just because this is Lloyd the Monkey 2 doesn’t mean Noah Meyer, its developer, is automatically an expert. I'm sure he's doing his best, and, quality aside, this game has a lot of heart put into it. This isn’t something cheap, quick, or lazy. It’s really, genuinely trying, and that matters. 

I’ve said a few times here and there that I see pieces of myself in the releases of Lloyd the Monkey, and I still see them here. I remember, for an early SAGE event, I was working on a fangame project of mine called The Fated Hour. I was probably already a year or two or maybe even three deep in the game by now, and after a lot of hyping up the community, this was their first chance to play the game. I spent months and months coding this iteration of my engine, and by my standards back then, it seemed like bleeding edge technology. I felt like I was going to blow everyone's minds. 

It was a mess. Few were impressed. Even worse, the game straight up didn’t even run correctly for some people. What followed was multiple patches, and even rebuilding some entire areas from scratch. My ambitions got the better of me and I unintentionally cut corners -- not because I was trying to cheap out on doing proper development, but just because I simply didn’t know any better. I may have done the best I knew how to do, but I was running faster than my body could keep up with and I stumbled.

When I see things like the missing invisible walls in the prologue, or how easily partner characters commit suicide by accident, I think back to that demo for The Fated Hour, and how I've been in this exact place myself. There’s even a side quest in Lloyd 2 where you have to track a floating girl as she drifts through a level -- there was a nearly identical set piece in The Fated Hour, where you were chasing a robot. It’s a very strange feeling to see something like that and think, “I’ve been here before.” Like looking through a window at a younger version of yourself.

It’s true that I stumbled, but I didn’t let that stop me. I learned by doing. I kept going. Three years later, a game of mine was featured on TV, leading to more than a million downloads. The mistakes of past projects did not weigh me down and I soldiered onwards, newfound knowledge in hand. 

So where does that leave us with Lloyd the Monkey 2, then. Well, it's not exactly a game to compete with Super Mario Odyssey, but given the circumstances in which it was created, I don't think that's necessarily the point. As a learning experience clearly made for the fun of its own creation, I think it's a success. And who knows what awaits in the years to come?

[twentiethcenturymoviesandtv]

Surviving in a Different Medium: The Struggles of Making a Comic Book Movie

There have been live-action film adaptations of just about everything under the sun, from video games to cartoons, to books, to television shows, heck, even to amusement park rides or board games.  While some adaptations can turn out some….less-than-great products (Street Fighter, Inspector Gadget, Dune), other adaptations tend to do fairly well, such as adaptations like Jaws, The Princess Bride, or Forrest Gump.

Not all adaptations are created equal.  Some source materials are simply easier to adapt to the big screen, such as novels.  Others, like cartoons, are considerably harder to turn into a coherent, movie-length story.  But none of these, it would seem, pose quite the challenge that is the balancing act of a comic-book adaptation.

Comic book movies are odd in that, when they are successful, they are extremely so, but when they aren’t, they’re really bad.   For every major hit, there has been twice as many misses, (up until recent years).  For every Superman, there is a Supergirl.  For every Batman, a Catwoman looms.  For every Blade, there’s a Steel.

And that’s not even mentioning the sequels, or heaven forbid, Howard the Duck.

When you think about it, it’s kind of odd that studios should have so much trouble with what seems like a very simple task: cast actors who look like comic characters, take a story from a comic, and make a movie.  The plot and characters are already there.  All the filmmakers have to do is make a movie out of it, right?

Easier said than done.

Wait a minute, you might say.  I’m not blind.  Have you seen Marvel’s film roster over the past ten years?  They’ve been very successful!  And what about Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy?  Or Wonder Woman?

Admittedly, comic book films have been far more successful (and respected) in recent years than they have been in the past.  This is a good thing.  It means filmmakers are learning.  But by the same token, even in this new age of comic book blockbusters, there are some films that haven’t done so well.  The Fantastic Four.  Green Lantern.  Daredevil.  Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.  

The question is, why?  Like I said, a comic book movie seems like it’d be much easier to do than a board-game film.  Comic books themselves are practically story boards.  What is so hard about lifting a comic onto the big screen?  Or, put another way:

How can comic books survive in a different medium, specifically live-action film?

That’s the question we’re going to be answering today, particularly as it pertains to superhero films.  Let’s take a look.

Comic books are, by nature, visual novels.  They are stories told through pictures as much as words, typically full of larger-than-life characters or situations that are nearly impossible to replicate on-screen.  You can do anything with comics.  The sky is the limit.  The creativity of the illustrator (and author) are the rule-makers in the universe of comics.  It is due to this unlimited creativity that villains such as Stilt-Man can exist, or heroes like Spider-Ham.  The costumes or abilities of characters are not governed by what can realistically be shown the audience.  They are governed by what the artist is able to draw.

Already, we’ve stumbled upon problem number one.

When adapting a comic to film, already, something has been lost: the freedom of visual style.  Comic characters have the benefit of being drawn by different artists, in distinctive styles, with costumes or abilities that are difficult to be done with on screen.  For this reason, many costumes for film adaptations end up changed for practicality reasons, such as any version of the Wonder Woman ensemble, or Scarlet Witch’s costume.  The recent adaptation of Captain America redesigned the look for a less-goofy design, and even the Batman costume, while remaining one of the most accurately depicted, has had a few changes in order to function on a movie set.

The realistic nature of live-action also cuts down on the heroes and villains that are usable.  Batman, the Joker, and the majority of his Rogues Gallery are able to be adapted to film with relative ease, as their gimmicks, while outlandish, don’t require an inordinate amount of special effects.  On the other hand, Marvel villains such as M.O.D.O.K. are far more difficult to replicate without it looking unrealistic or overly disturbing.  This is the primary reason that of Superman’s villains, only Lex Luthor has adapted well to the big screen: he is the most human, and therefore, the easiest to do realistically.

The problems with adaptation don’t lie merely in the visuals, however.  More difficult (and important) is the translation of character.

Comic book characters, specifically superheroes, are big and bold, with personalities to match.  On top of that, especially in older comics, characters were typically stagnant.  Up until more recent years, there wasn’t a whole lot of development, so readers weren’t confused if they happened to miss a few issues.  On top of that, thanks to the different iterations of each character, trying to find the ‘definitive’ version to adapt can be challenging, especially with all the alternate timelines, clones, and other odd occurrences that can make for new methods of storytelling with the same characters.  These methods, while good for comic readership, don’t make for easy, accessible adaptations for wider audiences.

As a result, we can get films like Man of Steel, where interpretations of the character are wildly different from traditional comic canon, or the change for Tim Burton’s Batman to disregard the ‘no-kill’ rule that has been widely accepted as a trait of the character.  To create a distilled version of a character, some traits have to be changed, or removed altogether.  The problem comes with how this is done, trying to make it work within the context of the character, and the context of the story you are telling.

So, to successfully adapt a comic book character, we’ve addressed that you need to change both the personality somewhat, and the look, if casual audiences are to enjoy the film version of this character.  While doing this, you must also balance the existing, canon character most traditionally viewed, ensuring that you do not alienate the already-existing fans by changing the character too drastically.  It’s a tough balance, but it’s one that more and more filmmakers are hitting, and have been since Christopher Reeve first donned the Superman cape in 1978.   But there’s more to comics than just the characters.

The stories have to be changed too.

In recent years, superhero blockbusters have become bigger and bigger spectacles, with the world (or the universe) at stake.  Some of these stories are original to the filmmakers, taking well-known villains and heroes and creating their own story.  Others, on the other hand, try to compress comic-book storylines into movie form, and therein lies problem number three, if anyone’s keeping count.

The issue with adapting the plot of a superhero comic is twofold: format and pacing, and nature and scope.  In the first of these two problems, the problem is very simple: movies don’t have the time for it.

In a comic series, a storyline can have several issues to play out, as demonstrated by The Dark Phoenix Saga, Snowbirds Don’t Fly, and The Dark Knight Returns.  In arcs like these, it can take several issues for a plot to be wrapped up, and in cases like Infinity Gauntlet, these stories are so vast that they are practically impossible to adapt into one concise film without leaving anything out.  As a result, the scissors come out.

In a lot of these cases, such as Marvel’s Infinity War/Endgame films, stories are condensed in order to fit into one (or two) films.  Subplots and characters are cut, things are switched around, and sometimes, the final result is very different from the original comic.  This is the risk of adaptation, no matter what format, but for comics, there’s a little more to it than that.

The nature of comic book stories is very eye-catching, expansive, larger-than-life.  The dialogue is typically over the top (either campy or dark), the comics are full of action scenes, (nobody wants to read a comic about a bunch of people standing around and talking) and the stakes are grand, the action grander.  The visuals of comics are a large part of what draws people to them, and so it’s for the best that they’re big and bold.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t exactly translate the best to live-action film.

Except in cases like Batman from 1989 and the original Superman film from 1978, most comic book films have a very hard time pulling off the ‘campy’ feeling from the comics while also being a genuinely good film.  Straddling the line between keeping the same tone from the comics while making sure it works in the context of the film is tough, with most subsequent films going too far either way.  Either a film becomes so over-the-top campy that it’s impossible to take it seriously (Batman & Robin, Superman IV, the original Captain America attempt), or so gritty that it can be alienating (Man of Steel, Batman Returns, Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice).  While both extremes have their fans, most fans seem to be the happiest with a balance, again, a balance that’s hard to achieve, especially when you’re working with caped crusaders and flying people in tights.

When it’s put like this, it can seem almost impossible to make a good comic book movie, especially by the time you work in a script, actors that might work, and actually begin shooting the thing.  It seems like an uphill battle.  But there is good news.

Like I said, since 1978, superhero films based on comics have been hit or miss, but recently, there’s been more hits than misses.  Besides the original Superman and Batman films, there are newer endeavors like the MCU and Wonder Woman, Aquaman and Shazam, all of which are proving that live-action superhero films can be done, and done well, by achieving that balance.  There will always be misses, but the odds of filmmakers understanding the delicate stability of the elements to making comic book films are looking better with every passing movie.

The secret to helping comic books survive in a different medium is a blend of styles and focus, everything from the visuals to the characters.  That’s it.  There’s no secret tip or trick, nothing that the filmmakers are ‘overlooking’, very simply, the secret to a good comic book film is just knowing what to keep and what to leave out, which can vary from project to project.  Some films operate better as darker, more serious films.  Some thrive on the ‘campy’ source material.  Some movies work better with changes made to the characters, others succeed far better with a more accurate portrayal of the characters.  It depends on the individual story, characters, and even filmmakers.  There’s no manual to make a movie a success, no matter the source material.

In short?

For a comic book to survive as a live-action film adaptation, the people behind it must have understanding and respect for the source material, combined with an understanding of both mediums involved.  When you have the respect already in place, and the desire to make a good movie, the rest doesn’t seem quite so impossible.  

Thank you guys so much for reading!  Don’t forget that the ask box is always open for questions, discussions, suggestions, recommendations, or conversations.  I hope to see you in the next article.

[ananalyses]

Remember that thing about eyes?

Specifically, Harukawa’s note on how checking how bright or dark their eyes are gives a guide to ‘a character’s mental state’, or how ‘tainted’ they are? The little passage suddenly jumped to my mind when rewatching the recent episode, and I dug out volume five of the manga again to read the afterword again, and while I can safely say it makes everything a bit more interesting, I want to talk about the arcade scene…

What I’d noticed was the little change from here:

To here:

In the afterword, Harukawa points to a few things that dark, ‘tainted’ eyes suggest (I’m referring to the Yen Press translation of volume 5 here, just because I have it to hand): that a character is dangerous, their ‘psyche’ is ‘stained’, they are unable to ‘go back’, and that Port Mafia members in particular have ‘deadened’ eyes. An exception to the rule, per se, is Kyouka, whose eyes grow brighter as the story progresses and her character changes. However, Dazai’s is also an unusual case, as his eyes seem to switch back and forth all the time. In the present timeline, it shows a very conflicted mentality, as he is genuinely trying to become a ‘good person’ who helps the vulnerable, but cannot seem to quite separate himself from his dark, tormenting past. Two selves exist and are meshed together in the same man, and play off of each other.

Still, even the younger Dazai occasionally hints at a similar internal conflict, between acting in the manner the Mafia has trained him to, the way his mind defaults to at this stage, and another, different instinct. I hesitate to say ‘moral’, since we know that the concept of right and wrong is fairly skewed to Dazai, but there’s something…else, in his mind, that pushes against Mori, against the Mafia. The anime has consistently drawn upon this little, telling detail of Harukawa’s, in adapting the manga, and it looks to be doing the same with the novels, but what changes in these mere seconds, in this encounter with the Sheep members?

In the first instance, Dazai takes his usual stance, of observing the situation, needling at both the two Sheep members and Chuuya to see how they might be manipulated in his favour - fairly typical Dazai, and the sort of conniving mentality we know Mori had instilled in him. His eyes are appropriately deadened.

Hearing their bickering, and in particular the young Sheep, apparently his subordinates, impressing upon Chuuya his ‘responsibility’ to protect them as a powerful gifted, despite their own recklessness, Dazai makes a decision. He contacts Mori, and has the hostages released, and certainly not thanks to his magnanimous disposition. He could have had any number of reasons for this, whether it was that the Sheep were an obstacle (which surrendering the hostages would solve), that he wanted to see how Chuuya would react with nothing else forcing him to assist the Mafia, or that he already could guess what Chuuya would do. Nevertheless, Dazai says “let’s go”, the Sheep get cocky and insist Chuuya come along with them instead, and - crucially - he refuses.

Which is where things get a little…odd. Dazai actually defends Chuuya’s decision, stating that how he chooses to use his incredible power is his prerogative, and his alone. He seems to imply the Sheep are insulting Chuuya’s ability to make his own choices, by trying to force his hand. As such he shows a degree of genuine respect for the latter as an individual, which has not been expressed nearly as clearly before now. It also puts that throwaway exchange before their fight with Lovecraft, about giving Chuuya the final choice on whether to use Corruption, into a whole new context.

Again, we cannot tell exactly what is driving Dazai here, but his eyes have a clear glimmer of light in them. Whatever it is, his reasons aren’t so cold, strategic…Mafia-like, perhaps. It might be real respect, a sense of camaraderie, even compassion, for a boy he’s found he can relate to (I think their games, in the arcade, and their ‘bet’, go some way to show this - it is childish play) or something else. But Dazai felt an unusual need to defend Chuuya.

And Chuuya goes with him. He is essentially free, and he still chooses to go with Dazai. They leave the arcade with that repeated shot of them walking side-by-side, contrasting the scene in episode 1, where Dazai is hopping along the raised wall, while Chuuya walks on the ground. This seems to be the moment their relationship became a ‘partnership’ between equals. Whether he left with the ‘Port Mafia’, or just with ‘Dazai’ I can’t exactly tell yet - but I hope the answer is on its way.

Also, another detail I noticed in Harukawa’s afterword was that brightness in the eyes indicates a character who has ‘been given a chance by the story to still “go back”. In other words, they are not too far gone just yet. Someone who still has that light:

[erinptah]

Super Drags review (tl;dr Show Good)

The post where I do my best to spread the Good News, that there exists a saucy gay drag-queen magical-girl animated comedy and everyone should watch it.

Okay, not everyone -- I'll give some caveats at the end -- but definitely a heck of a lot more people than Netflix has bothered to advertise it to.

Look at this! Why did nobody tell me about this??

What is Super Drags?

Fast facts:

It's a 1-season, 5-episode adult animated comedy series, released in November 2018

Here's the official page, with a free-to-view trailer

It packs more explicit, unashamed queerness into those 5 episodes than any other cartoon I can think of

The only possible competitor would be if you took the whole 5000-episode run of Steven Universe and pared it down to a supercut of Just The Gay Parts

This in spite of being produced in Brazil, which (in my broad understanding, as a total non-authority on the subject) is more oppressively, dangerously homophobic than the US

The original is in Portuguese

There is an English dub, fabulously voiced by contestants from RuPaul's Drag Race

It's wrapped in "for adults only!" warnings, not because the content is any less child-friendly than (say) your Bojacks Horsemen or your Ricks and Mortys, but because Brazilian authorities tried to get it shut down on the grounds of this much gay being Harmful For Children

It was (heartbreakingly) not renewed for a second season

Here's a promo video, in which the main characters (Portuguese, with subtitles) play Drag Race judges for Shangela, who ends up voicing Scarlet in English.

And here's a beautiful flashy music video of the big musical number! (Also Portuguese, no subtitles, but the melody and the visuals stand on their own.)

Plot and worldbuilding stuff!

The elevator pitch is "What if Charlie's Angels, but also drag queens, with superpowers, because magical-girl transformations?"

In this universe, all LGBTQ people have magical energy. The Big Bad is an evil magical-drag-queen nemesis who tries to drain our energy for her own purposes. It's like if Ursula from The Little Mermaid was a first-season Sailor Moon villain.

...sidenote, in case you were worried, the representation isn't "cis gay men and nobody else." There's a butch lesbian in the recurring cast, a genderfluid person (in that specific word!) as a one-off love interest, and all the ensemble scenes are wonderful collages of different races, body types, and gender presentations.

Our heroes also fight non-magical everyday homophobes, who get written with scathing realism.

The moment I knew the show wasn't pulling any punches was in the first episode, where a newscaster complains about being Silenced by the Law of Political Correctness, then chirps "however, we have a special guest who is thankfully above the law!"

According to the reviews I've found from Brazilian viewers, it's also pitch-perfect when it comes to local queer culture, community dynamics, slang and speech patterns, even memes. All of which flies right over my head, so here's a post (with no-context spoilers) about one viewer's favorite details.

The handful of reaction posts on Tumblr have a dramatic split between "Brazilian viewers fiercely defending the show as culturally-accurate, uplifting, and brave in a terrifying political moment" and "American viewers complaining that the show is problematic because it's a comedy about drag queens with no perfect role models and lots of sex jokes."

As the Super Drags tell their nemesis (and this is also in the first episode): "How dare you try to turn the LGBTQXYZ community against each other? We do enough of that on our own!"

In between missions, our girls work sitcom retail jobs and deal with other everyday problems. All of which are written in amazingly nuanced and thoughtful ways for a show that also features "defeating an orgy monster with a lip-sync battle."

Detailed character stuff!

Our heroes are Color Coded For Your Convenience!

The Super Drags themselves go by "she" in-uniform, and a lot of the time when out of it. Like the Sailor Starlights, only more so. I'll roll with that.

In blue: Safira Cyan, or Ralph by day, an excitable college-age kid who's built like a football player and squees like a fangirl. (She's an anime fan in the original, and for some reason all the otaku references were replaced in the dub, but you can see them in the subtitles.)

Ralph lives with her younger sister (they play video games together!) and their dad, comes out to them mid-series, and is very shippable with another young guy who starts out reciting the homophobic beliefs he was raised with but whose heart clearly isn't in it.

Safira's weapon is a classic magical-girl wand that casts protective force-fields. Which are shaped like condoms. Because of course.

In yellow: Lemon Chiffon, aka Patrick, the oldest of the group and generally the smartest/most strategic. In most cases, the other two treat her as the de facto team leader -- unless she pushes it too far.

By day she's a single guy with thick thighs and thinning hair, who has some body-image insecurities on the dating scene. And this show has Things To Say about unrealistic beauty standards within the community...not to mention, about masc guys who look down on anyone too flaming or femme because straight people disapprove.

Lemon's weapon is a fluffy boa that can be used as a whip or a lasso, especially when there's a bondage joke to be made.

In red: Scarlet Carmesim, also Donizete, the loudest and most aggressive teammate with the most cutting insults, who refuses to suppress that attitude in an attempt to appease racists. (But will give it a shot when trying not to get fired.)

Donny still lives in her religious/homophobic mom's apartment, and I'm pretty sure it's because neither of them can afford to move out. Her rock-solid sense of fierce self-confidence is the reason it doesn't bring her down.

Scarlet's weapon is a fan that she uses to throw shade. Yeah, you knew that was coming.

The Charlie to these angels is Champagne, who runs operations from a cool magitech compound and breaks the fourth wall at the end to petition for viewers' support in getting a second season.

...we let her down, folks :(

So here's a thing. The show never draws a sharp line between "people who become drag queens because it's a way they're driven to express themselves as gay men" and "people who become drag queens because they were trans women all along." That's consistent with how South American LGBT+ culture works. (Again: best of my knowledge, not personally an authority on this, etc etc.)

Many of the characters, including Champagne, never describe themselves in ways that translate to one of our sharply-defined Anglo-USian identity categories. And I'm not going to try to impose any English labels on them here.

But I can say (in contrast to Safira, Lemon, and Scarlet), Champagne never switches out of her "drag" name/voice/presentation, not even in the most candid off-duty scenes, and still has the same bustline when naked in the tub. Make of that what you will.

You Should Watch This Show

If you have a Netflix subscription, watch Super Drags!

If you ever do a Netflix free trial month in the future, make a note to yourself to watch Super Drags!

It's one of their original productions, so there's no risk of missing your chance because the license expired. But it's absolutely not getting the promotion it deserves. Which means potentially interested viewers won't find it, which means Netflix will think there's no interest, which means they'll keep not promoting it...etc etc etc.

No idea if there's any chance of getting it un-canceled, but maybe we can at least convince them to release it on DVD.

And the sheer gutsiness it took for a group of Brazilian creators to produce this show in the first place -- that deserves to be rewarded with your attention.

In spite of various anti-discrimination laws that sound good on paper, the country has serious problems with homophobia, transphobia, and anti-LGBT violence (warning, article has a violent image which is only partly blurred).

Maybe the creators could've gotten a second season if they made this one softer, less sexually-explicit, more restrained...but honestly? I bet that wouldn't have helped.

Consider Danger & Eggs, an Amazon original cartoon. It was made in the US, thoroughly child-friendly, and restricts its LGBT+ representation to things like "characters go to a Pride celebration...where nobody ever names or describes the quality they're proud of."

And it didn't get renewed past the first season either.

(Note: it had a trans woman showrunner and a queer-heavy creative staff, so I blame all that restraint on executive meddling, not the creators themselves. The showrunner even liked the tweet of my review that complains about it.)

So there's something very satisfying about how Super Drags went all-out, balls-to-the-wall (sometimes literally), all the rep explicit and unapologetic, packing every 25-minute episode with all kinds of queer content that would be censored or muted elsewhere -- but here it's exaggerated and celebrated and just keeps coming.

(...as do jokes like that, and I'm not sorry.)

Okay, there are a few legitimate reasons to not watch this show

Some caveats.

None of these things are Objectively Bad Problems that the show itself should be shamed for...but maybe they're genuinely not your cup of tea.

It does have actual Adult Content beyond "the existence of gay people." This show loves to swing barely-clothed cartoon genitalia in your face. There is, as mentioned, an orgy monster. If that kind of humor is going to bother you too much to appreciate the rest of the show, give it a pass.

I wasn't kidding about how realistic the homophobes are. Opening of the first episode has a guy trying to murder a busload of people while shouting slurs at them. If that level of hatred on-screen is gonna crush your soul, even in a show about sparkly queens flying to the rescue with dick-shaped magical weapons, don't push yourself.

Any fiction with this much crossdressing and gender-transgressing is going to hit some trans viewers in a bad way. Because trans people are such a broad group, with so many different experiences, that Every Possible Trope Involved pushes somebody's buttons. (See also: "some trans readers complain about a storyline that turns out to be drawn from a trans writer's actual life experience".) If this show goes does gender things that turn out to be personally distressing for you...or even just distressing for this specific time in your life...don't feel obligated to keep watching.

It has aggressively-sassy queer characters making jokes and calling each other things that are affectionate in-context, but would not be okay coming from straight/cis people. If you can't wrap your head around that, go watch something else.

Other Than That, Go Watch This Show

For all its big heart, big ambitions, and big gay energy, Super Drags is tiny enough that I've binged the whole show 2 times in the past 2 weeks. Thankfully, it's highly re-watchable -- lots of fun background gags and subtle foreshadowing that you don't catch on the first round.

(Pausing one last time to appreciate that a show with elements like "the high-tech robot assistant is called D.I.L.D.O." can be subtle at all, let alone be this good at it.)

I've also paged through all the fanart on Tumblr and Deviantart, looked up the single fanfic on the AO3, and started brainstorming plans to request it in Yuletide next year. Someone, please, come join me in (the English-language side of) the itty-bitty fandom for this ridiculous, glittery, over-the-top, fabulous series.

[pynkhues]

Say Dean did give her the necklace. Out of all the horrendous things he’s done to her, why would she decide to wear it tho?

Well, assuming that he is the one to give her the new necklace, which Istrongly suspect he is (although I’ve been wrong before!), I think there are afew reasons she’d wear it. And hey! I’ve had five or six asks since 2.08about Beth and Dean’s relationship, history and age gap, which I had a fewdrafts of, so I’m so sorry! I’m going to highjack your ask to combine/answerthem all! Hope that’s okay. 

Putting all myheadcanons and theories aside (at least for the first half of this post haha),let’s just talk about what canon has established about Beth and Dean and theirrelationship over the last 18 episodes. 

This is like, verylong (seriously 2,800 words), haha, so I’m putting it under a cut to save all your feeds. 

The Marks’ Family ValuesWhile 2.08 clarified a few things about the way Beth, Ruby and Annie wereraised, there’s still a lot that we don’t really know, so let’s look at what wedo know: 

1. Beth as a youngteenager crashed her mother’s car out the front of Ruby’s house with her kidsister in the passenger seat because there was no food in the house, and theirmother wasn’t getting out of bed. The implication, from Annie’sdialogue “She just really likes it there” is that this is not a new thing.(2.08)

2. Annie was areckless kid and had a broken arm during a time it’s implied she and Beth were neglected.(2.08)

3. “You knowwhat my mama used to say? You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” – Beth(2.01)

4. Beth played pianofor six years after her parents dropped $$s on it, despite changing her mindand wanting to play violin, which on its own I think can be written off as generalchildish indecisiveness, buuuut I think means a little more than that in thecontext of everything else. (1.05)

5. Beth worked heronly legitimate job in highschool at the Dairy Queen. (1.03)

5. Annie used to gethigh and was sexually active in highschool, and had gossip/rumours spread abouther. Their mother came into the school to address it and, it’s implied, madethe situation a lot worse, causing Annie not want to do the same to Sadie with Sadie’sbullies. (1.04)

6. Then Annie gotpregnant in highschool. (mentioned multiple times)

7. Beth has alwaysbeen the one that Annie has called to bail her out of trouble (mentioned a fewtimes).

9. Beth had postpartumdepression with at least one of her children. (2.05)

The Boland Timeline

While we haven’t gottenconfirmed ages of the characters, we do know that Dean is, at the very least, ayear older than Beth, although I think it’s more likely around three yearsgiven the way it’s framed in the episode. SO. 

1. Beth meets Dean atschool when she’s either a freshman, sophomore or junior. He’s a senior. It’sat a point in time where we know her mother is bedridden and Beth spends a lotof time looking after Annie (she even took Annie to Ruby’s father’s funeral,which I think says a lot as to how much Beth – and by proxy Ruby – were lookingafter Annie). (2.08)

2. Beth and Dean havebeen married for 20 years during S1, so that puts them likely at gettingmarried when Beth is somewhere between the age of 20-22. (mentioned multipletimes)

3. Somewhere in thistime period, Dean takes over Boland Motors from his father (one of the photosin the screensaver Dean’s looking at in 2.04 looks like it’s from a grandre-opening, and Beth’s holding a baby boy, so it looks like this could bearound the time Kenny or Danny is born) and Beth becomes a stay-at-home motherand a housewife. Dean also has full control of their finances, and Beth is onan allowance that he also controls. 

4. Kenny has hiseleventh birthday in S1, so Beth would’ve been in her late twenties when shehad him. 

5. We don’t know theage gap between the rest of the kids (and in fact, those age gaps have obviouslychanged between S1 and S2 lol) but it looks like Jane is now the youngest, notEmma, and that Beth and Dean hadn’t had sex in the two years before gettingpregnant with Jane, and then that they hadn’t had sex since she was born until2.06, which seems to be about five or six years. (2.05 / 1.05)

6. Beth had postpartumdepression after at least Emma (it was the specific given reason as to why theyhadn’t had sex in the two years before getting pregnant with Jane), although Ithink the implication is that it was with more of the kids than just her.

7. Somewhere in allof this, Dean had multiple affairs. He says four, but the implication fromAmber is that it’s more than that, and then I think Beth basically confirmsthat when she says “Dean’s slept with half of Detroit” later in the episode.Plus Dean being a pathological liar isn’t exactly a secret. (2.05)

8. Beth finds out hesleeps with Amber in 1.01 and that he’s mortgaged their house three times andthat their savings are gone. She kicks him out, takes control of theirfinances, and robs Fine & Frugal. 

9. Dean tries to winher back a few times - first by appealing to her pragmatism (and I’ll beexpanding on this shortly) - by talking about how they’ll both be worse offfinancially if they separate - before telling her that she’s the love of hislife, then by showing up unannounced to mow the backyard (a traditionally malehousehold job), then by using Kenny’s birthday wish that they were backtogether to try and guilt her (another point I’ll be expanding on shortly!)

10. Cut to Kenny’sbirthday party. He implies Beth’s having an affair with Rio (lols for so manyreasons), they fight, Beth insinuates that she’ll be filing for divorce soon(”You’re still my wife” “Yeah, I’ve gotta get on that.”) and Dean drops TheCancer Lie. Beth is obviously upset, and lets him move back in, but he’ssleeping in Kenny’s room. (1.04)

11. Dean doubles down on the cancer lie by bribing a doctor to tell Bethhe has prostate cancer, but he also covers for her when Turnerfinds the Boland Motors car the girls stole from the lot. He then confronts herabout it in a very paternalistic way (”Why don’t you get a job?” “Sit down!”“These people prey on good, innocent people” “I’m sorry I yelled at you, buteverything’s going to be fine. I’ll take care of you.”). Beth plays along inthe moment, but Dean changes the locks without telling her (and also doesn’thelp her bring the grocery bags in which is sooo telling), reveals he’sswitched hours with a guy at work to be around to ‘protect’ her, and Bethfinally stands up for herself “You have no idea what I’ve done or even who Iam”. (1.06)

12. Dean asks her ifshe’s doing it for the kids. She says yes, and he says it’s all he needs toknow. It genuinely seems to comfort her in the moment. It’s one of their fewnice scenes and I think shows what they were like when they were at their verybest. (1.07)

13. Rio shuts down,Beth is back on an allowance. She tries to get a loan, but their credit hasn’trebounded enough and they still have too much debt. Dean solves the problem bymoving the botox via the doctor he bribed. Dean won’t tell Beth how he did it,but she’s grateful enough to end up coming clean about what she does for Rio.They have their second nice moment. “You don’t deserve anything I did toyou.” + “I think you’re incredible.” (1.08)

14. Dean obviouslyfeels like he and Beth are getting back on track, and is annoyed that Annie’sliving with them temporarily. He builds Beth a craft table with hiddencompartments to hide her fake cash! (1.09)

15. Dean tries toorganise something for their anniversary, which Beth doesn’t agree to rightaway, but does later in the episode when he tries to help her after realisingshit’s going down in the crime world. Dean gets into a car accident whilechecking out another woman, Beth finds out he lied about the cancer (like thatgrenade was never going to blow, Deansy), he came home, Rio shoots him to getback at Beth, but not before revealing a certain degree of intimacy and trustbetween the two of them, which Dean clocks instantly. (1.10 / 2.01)

Then Season 2happens, haha.

So let’s talk about Beth & Dean

I’ve said it a fewtimes before, but when it comes to Beth, we’re ultimately watching somebody whohas been disempowered and disenfranchised for a really, really long time tryingto reclaim a sense of identity and control over her life. Even before 2.08, wewere looking at that through the sense of her marriage to Dean where she had noreal independence. Her entire life was dictated by decisions that he made forthem, personally, professional and financially, and a lot of the first half of Season1 was devoted to her realising exactly how many of those decisions had been bad ones. As the series went on, she reallydid start to gain a sense of financial independence (which is incredibly important)as well as a sense of her own identity and agency, only for that to becompletely crippled again across that four episode arc - 1.09 through to 2.02 –firstly by thinking Rio had played her for a fool (the empty truck), then Rio firingher, then realising that Dean hadplayed her for a fool again (thecancer lie), and then her plot to put Rio away falling apart, Dean being shot,and her realising that she was newly indebted to both of them.

I think what 2.08contextualised was that Beth has never really been allowed to explore who sheis, because there’s always been somebody she’s had to look after. She’s alwayshad dependents and she has lived a life of constant compromise, making her incrediblypragmatic and sacrificing of her own needs and wants. The episode establishedthat Beth spent most if not all of her adolescence caring for Annie and theirmother, married young, and then spent her entire young adult life looking afterDean and their four children.

Likely the appeal ofDean was that he was older, gave her attention in a way that seemed to ‘see’ herat a time where her needs were neglected at home, and likely popular – he’s goofyand fun, as the show’s establishedmultiple times, which I think would be more likeable at that teenage age, and Ithink he probably appealed to Beth as a way out of a troubling home situation.At the end of the day, the show has established pretty firmly that Beth is, whenit comes to her and her own, a survivor. And when I say survivor, I don’t meanthe badass, action heroine sort of survivor - I mean the desperate, do-what-she-has-tosort of survivor. She has an uncanny ability to lie and perform to get herselfout of situations, and also a tendency to sacrifice her own happiness for thoseshe loves. I think when it came to Dean, for a very long time, Beth sacrificedpower and control for a security and safety that she hadn’t had growing up,first for herself (and likely in part for Annie too), and then for her fourchildren.

And I think Dean, priorto the start of the series, had never truly been challenged on any of thecontrol that he wrought over their lives. He’s your classic embodiment of whitemale privilege, and I think he has all the baggage that comes with that,including a firm belief in gender roles, a heady sense of entitlement, and asubconscious expectation that things will usually work in his favour. The factthat he started dating Beth when she was so young, that he inherited BolandMotors from his father, and the fact that he blames Beth’s postpartum depressionfor his affairs too I think drasticallyemphasises that. We talk a lot about the power play between Beth and Rio, butBeth and Dean, since 1.01, have been in a power play of their own – Beth in herdesire to break out of their traditional roles, to ‘steer the ship’, and toreally put her family in a more secure position in life (something she realisedDean was incapable of doing), and Dean in his desire to keep them in their traditional roles, to ‘steer the ship’, and tokeep the status quo (I mean, hell, the fact that he was checking out anotherwoman on his way to his anniversary dinner with Beth in 1.10 says a lot about exactly how little he wants things tochange).

In what is typical ofpeople who are nurturers/carers or have been forced into nurturer/carerpositions in their life, Beth also seems to feel guilt to a disproportionatedegree, and in a way that often seems to cancel out any other emotion,including her anger. This is established pretty early in season one in smallways - her snipping with Annie then immediately back pedalling when sherealises Annie might lose custody of Sadie, with not being able to throw Kennythe birthday party he wants, with her telling Dean about what she does for Rioafter Dean offloads the botox, and then reiterated in big ways this season -nursing Dean after he’s been shot, crawling into bed with Kenny after he gotcaught binge eating at school, going above and beyond to get the dubby backafter Jane feels neglected, I’d even argue that the whole situation with MaryPat has partially been fuelled by guilt for putting Mary Pat in that situationin the first place when she’s a widow with four young children.

And I think Dean knows this! He has guilted her so much across the course of this show, often in a way to deflectfrom his own shortcomings or to ultimately playher. He gaslights her all the time,and she often doesn’t even realise it, which demonstrates, to me at least, howoften he’s done it over the course of their 20+ year relationship. The wholething about the cancer lie in the first place was to back her into a corner,which he succeeded in doing. He guilted her about being at Boland Motors andaway from the kids. When Jane went missing, he immediately blamed her and guilted her for her involvement with Rio(instead of………you know……….looking for his daughter), in 2.08, he guilted Beth for checking on her moneybefore untying him after he’d tried to organise a hit on her partner and gottenher robbed blind in the process.

And when the guilt and the manipulation stopped working, he did thething he knew she couldn’t ignore (and that would hurt her the most) which istake the children. Beth is, like I said earlier, a survivor and a sacrificer whenit comes to her and her own. There’s no way she won’t give up everything togive those children what she didn’t have – a mother who she could rely on. I thinkDean’s ultimatum won’t just be about them either. I could be wrong, but I thinkhe’s going to tell her that they have to try again as a couple, and I thinkthat’s what that necklace is going to be about (seriously though, if he givesit to her as a part of the ultimatum, everything about it symbolically is acollar), and she’ll put it on for her children, and I think it’s all honestlygoing to push her over the edge in a really big way before the season’s over.

I’ve mentioned this in other posts, but I think Beth fully was intendingto leave Dean before the cancer lie, but then she needed to care for him(again, a manipulation I think Dean knew would work because of Beth’s historycaring for her mother and Annie), and then the shooting (same reason, plus theadded bonus of her having caused it). Since then, I think she has almostcompletely emotionally divorced him – having sex with Rio, taking over BM,checking on the money first, not letting him back into her bed – is all verytelling of this, and I think she had likely had her pragmatic hat on and waswaiting until she could feasibly balance all the pieces in her life on her ownbefore filing for divorce. Of course, that’s now blown up with Dean holding thechildren essentially hostage.

And look, do I thinkDean loves Beth? I do actually, in his own way. Do I think Beth loves Dean? Ithink she did, but like she said to Ruby – Dean’s not a soulmate for her, oreven a partner. Beth and Dean should’ve maybe briefly dated in highschool andthen broken up, but they’re both in too deep now, and I don’t think anythingshort of a bullet or an arrest is going to easily disentangle them.

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Prologue

Sometimes, dreams come in whispers, and those whispers don’t stem from selfish desires, but rather God’s promises. When that happens, God can answer even the prayers that you didn’t have the guts to put words to or wrote off as impossible or wishful thinking. His timing is perfect, so trust Him in the waiting. The days, months, or years it takes Him to set up the dominoes in your life are so worth it. When the time is right, everything falls into place in a way that will leave you in awe and unable to do anything but worship Him.

Tomorrow, I set out on a journey that He has been preparing me for over the last 3 years. It’s hard to surprise me, but God gets me every time--I was clueless to what He was up to until I found myself in front of an open door I never had to fight for. 

Pray for me, that I would take all that I learn from this leadership cohort and be fruitful, gladly yielding to His pruning throughout. Celebrate with me, for God has been good beyond measure. Read on if you want to know the full story!

November 11, 2016, I met A. Until the last year or so, I called him “Pastor A” (and sometimes referred to him half-jokingly as “Father A”), as most contexts in which I encountered him were within the church, with him at the pulpit.

In 2016, he spoke at a youth leadership retreat. The way he taught and spoke blew my mind--it was his understanding of how humans work, his uncanny ability to read all kinds of people and really get through to them, the way he ended every message with practical application exercises that grew all of us, students to young adults alike. Away from the pulpit, he was incredibly down to earth. I will never forget wondering, should I be concerned that the same man who left me awestruck moments ago with his preaching seems to have a lot of creative ideas about how to break into a car? Nah, this is way too entertaining. (Context: A was helping an uncle try to get into his locked car after said uncle lost his car keys.)

April 28-29, 2017, I couldn’t contain my excitement being under A’s tutelage again at counselors’ retreat. It was during this retreat that I learned about the company he works for, and the tools and models he uses to build leadership pipelines and empower people across all kinds of institutions, not just in the church. I was deeply unsatisfied by my career at the time. I felt lost and aimless in life. A shined like a beacon of hope, living proof that there could be something professionally worth doing in this world that actually connected to my passions. And then was born my unspoken prayer: How I would love to learn from him and do what he does one day. 

But you see, A doesn’t live in California, and I wasn’t planning on leaving. The competency gap between us was daunting. I had no reason to believe that out of all the people he met, he would take notice of little old me. Even if he did, why would he choose to invest in me? I decided to know my place and be grateful for the fact that he even remembered me and was willing to spare a few minutes of his precious time to check in on me over the upcoming years. 

At one point, he made me cry in public, and I thought it might be nice to not have that experience again--all the more reason to move on with life. (Context: He rebuked me for undermining my influence out of false humility as a group of friends standing to the side couldn’t help but listen in because what he was saying was that convicting, and it was the most loving correction I’ve ever received from a human being, but also embarrassing and really hard because criticism of any kind makes me initially feel like a failure.)

May 4, 2018, after a grueling 6 month interview process that in and of itself was a miraculous work of God, I signed the offer letter to my current company. Finally, I was a full time employee who would soon experience the full force of imposter syndrome and fear of selling out. But I also had the most clarity at this point in time that I was excited for this opportunity because I knew my purpose was to proclaim the gospel and establish His kingdom at work.

January 24, 2019, A somehow found my number (probably through my work profile) and texted me about coming to my company to start a leadership pipeline. He invited me to come to the introductory workshop on the 30th. I went. Even though it was material I’d already seen multiple times before, it still deeply impacted me. However, I decided not to join the 2019 cohort, and fell out of contact with A after February.

February 22-24, 2019, Ignite retreat. Pastor D, whom I also deeply respect and adore, returned for a second year as our speaker. I left retreat with 2 major takeaways: I need to journal, and I need mentors (plural). Pastor D taught me that mentorship comes in different forms, and paying to be part of a cohort or to take a leadership class is an option that I ought to be open to. The first thing I thought of was A’s leadership cohort, and I wondered if I had missed out. But I knew I hadn’t made a mistake, because I had no motivation to join that cohort, given that it was aimed at the specific context of developing me as a leader at my job, which was the last thing I wanted to invest more time into. Nonetheless, the importance of self awareness and guidance sat at the forefront of my mind for the rest of the year. 

June 11, 2019, I won’t explain in detail how serendipitous it felt on this day when God once again by no accident brought about a major turning point in my career. But this was the day that hope broke through. My manager started the process of helping me switch to a product I love. The transition happened officially on September 3rd. For the first time in 5 years, I actually found my job life-giving. I started to see a future here that I wanted to invest in.

October 7, 2019, I don’t remember exactly how this happened, but I suddenly realized I really missed A. I texted him to check in, half expecting to be ignored because of how long it had been (clearly, I still had issues believing that he cared about me, which now that I think about it, was probably because I hadn’t been useful to him for months, and my core Enneagram fear is that nobody would want me around if I’m not useful). I happened to check in right after he had completed his 2019 cohort, just in time to be invited to another kickoff meeting. The thought of mentorship was swirling through my mind again, and I realized I was in a place of genuine interest in joining the 2020 cohort. However, the financial barrier was holding me back. I was planning on buying a new car, I’m still paying for my Invisalign, and I just didn’t know if I was willing to take another hefty sum out of my budget.

November 13, 2019, I missed the entire kickoff meeting due to work, but I dropped by at the end to say hi anyway. All my fears and anxieties about being forgotten or unwanted melted away, and I realized on this day how much of a mentor figure A already is in my life. I told him afterwards that ever since I met him, he has shown up consistently at key moments/turning points in my life and given me the push I need to move forward. His existence reminds me that God sees me and takes care of me. He told me he’d be around again in December and actually have time to catch up, which is rare, given how packed his schedule usually is. He also encouraged me to consider joining the cohort this time. I promised to think about it.

December 10, 2019, we caught up over a casual dinner, during which A learned just how ridiculous my work life balance has historically been, how I believe that my experience has been unique because God has graciously given me all the time I need to fulfill His missional purpose for me at work, and how my passion lies in championing the people around me. Having heard my story, he went full big picture mode and basically told me to not only join the 2020 cohort, but to do so as his apprentice, that he may raise me up to one day be able to do what he does. He addressed every barrier I once had, and they were no longer an issue. The dominoes fell. 

My mind short-circuited as it took some quantum leaps down memory lane (imagine all the details in this blog post and more crashing into my brain at the same time). A stared at me expectantly, slightly amused but mostly confused as to why I was not visibly excited, but rather either at a loss for words or spewing nonsensical protest coming from a place of not feeling worthy of this offer. Honestly, I was in extreme shock that God would not only do the bare minimum of turning my unspoken prayer from years ago into a possibility, but that He went the extra mile to meet every condition that I added on top of that prayer before making it a reality. 

I helplessly looked to my friend sitting next to me to help me make sense of what just happened. He said something along the lines of, “Why are you looking at me? I think this is a great idea!” I still hit the brakes as gently as I could and told A I needed time to process, and I would officially confirm my participation with him only after I talked to my manager. 

I got manager approval the next day. 

Tomorrow, January 29th, will be our first cohort meeting. I hope to document this journey, my lessons and takeaways, so I don’t forget them, and so that I have a record of God placing down the next set of dominoes in my life.

[whitehotharlots]

M.I.A., Fariha Róisín, and the rhetorical triumph of passive listening

I’ve been thinking about the rise and fall of M.I.A., the might-aughts musical sensation who was briefly the most celebrated alternative pop artist in the world. 2004’s Piracy Funds Terrorism and 05’s Arular generated some of the most positive press I’d ever seen from outlets like Pitchfork (which, back then, still kinda counted as an alternative to dominant culture). 2007’s crossover hit Kala was one of the most genuinely dangerous and experimental records ever to enter the mainstream of American culture. Then... she just kinda went away. 

M.I.A.’s politics were miles beyond the limp, bland positivity of the era’s liberalism. She was literally militant, lending her support for the Tamil Tigers. A lyric on her song “Sunshowers,” (“Like the PLO I don’t surrender”), was considered dangerous enough that it got her banned from entering the US for several months.  This was not the fuzzy, feelgood liberalism of Obama, nor even the “fierceness” of someone like Beyonce, whose material accomplishments are considered a substitute for actual politics. This was a literal refugee woman telling the world that, actually, things really fucking suck, and if you want them to get better you you’re going to have to fight.

Of course, this engendered pushback--first and foremost from the “liberals” at Pitchfork. M.I.A. complained, rightfully, that music reviewers tended to give far too much credit to the male collaborators of female musicians. No one would attribute the genius of Purple Rain to Wendy and Lisa, so why did all of her reviewers spend so much time talking about Diplo? Pitchfork responded by viciously smearing her next album and accusing her of uneven and naive politics. Other outlets followed suit, and by the turn of the decade she had fallen out of mainstream favor.

And so you’d think, with recent developments, that the liberal-leaning press would have switched positions in regard to M.I.A., maybe even apologize for the horrible treatment she received. After all, the meat of her criticism is now practically unquestionable. And so I was confused by this article from affidavit.art, which is a rather woke-leaning website. The piece’s author, Fariha Róisín, purports to demonstrate herself taking a nuanced and forgiving tack toward M.I.A., but in doing so she reinforces some of the most reactionary and regressive impulses of our current social justice paradigm. In reading through it, seeing how deftly it continues to smear M.I.A. for the crime of being a genuinely dissident artist, we can get a good bead on the self-destructive tendencies of wokeism.

Róisín’s article is a personal reflection upon her relationship with M.I.A. as an artist, starting with her infatuation with the M.I.A’s early work, and moving into political disappointment that culminated in her asking hostile questions to the artist at a MoMa panel. She frames things by explaining

I hadn’t listened to Maya’s [M.I.A.’s] work in a couple of years, after she somewhat embarrassingly responded off the cuff to a question about Black Lives Matter: “Is Beyoncé or Kendrick Lamar going to say Muslim Lives Matter? Or Syrian Lives Matter? Or this kid in Pakistan matters?”

MIA’s comment, I would argue, is tone-deaf. Within the context that Róisín presents it, it certainly comes across as insensitive. The US criminal justice system is a world-historic atrocity that has ruined countless lives. It should be discussed in stark terms, and it’s fine to criticize someone who appears to not regard it with the severity it deserves.

But let’s look at MIA’s full quote, as it appeared in The Daily Standard:

“It’s interesting that in America the problem you’re allowed to talk about is Black Lives Matter. It’s not a new thing to me — it’s what Lauryn Hill was saying in the 1990s, or Public Enemy in the 1980s. Is Beyoncé or Kendrick Lamar going to say Muslim Lives Matter? Or Syrian Lives Matter? Or this kid in Pakistan matters? That’s a more interesting question. And you cannot ask it on a song that’s on Apple, you cannot ask it on an American TV programme, you cannot create that tag on Twitter, Michelle Obama is not going to hump you back”

Knowing anything about MIA’s personal history makes it clear that she did not intend to diminish the horrors of American judicial violence. When one reads the full quote (oh, the horror of having to parse an entire paragraph!), it’s clear she’s stressing a bigger picture here, criticizing the fact that the vast majority of US liberals still refuse to criticize US militarism, even as they’ve become near-pathological in defining themselves as social justice crusaders. She is, in short, criticizing the ineffective and narrow politics of people like Róisín.

I cannot speak for Kendrick and Beyonce in specific, but I have known dozens of putatively woke people--people who consume all the right cultural artifacts, who would never speak over a black person in a workplace meeting, who have been very vocal critics of police violence for upwards of 4 whole years--who still proudly celebrate the armed forces.

Through direct military action, support for brutal dictatorships, and otherwise meddling in the affairs of other countries in pursuit of our own financial interests, the American Military Industrial Complex has been the single biggest purveyor of human suffering worldwide for the past 70-odd years. They have killed literally tens of millions of people, ruined the lives of a few hundred million more, and immiserated billions. US foreign policy spends trillions of dollars killing brown people and enriching a handful of elites. And, to most American wokeists, that constitutes at best a complicated situation worthy of consideration and debate--unlike, say, someone who supports the wrong movie to win best picture, or who doesn’t celebrate Cardi B--these people deserve uniform and unambiguous condemnation. This perplexing mindset is what M.I.A/ was criticizing.

Of course, those who operate within this mindset are going to reject this criticism. They will refuse to just listen to those who question their approach to social justice. They will speciously declare such criticism as evidence of the evil nature of the person who uttered it, demand the “cancellation” of said person, and use all criticisms of their condemnation as proof of their own righteousness--if what they were saying wasn’t good and true, then why did so many bad and wrong people disagree with it?

Unless, that is, they take so-called “nuanced” route outlined by Róisín. In the face of overwhelming evidence of the vicious self-certainty of her peers, Róisín  attempts to deflect such criticism by introducing a new plane of equivocation. MIA isn’t evil, she says. The artist is just deeply ignorant, a defect born of her inability to listen in the correct manner:

Cancelling people is exhilarating, especially when it’s done by marginalized folks, those who so often experience the world through white supremacy—sometimes as a soft and subtle barrage, other times through vicious and terrifying means. The ability to dictate someone’s fate, when you’ve long been in the shadows, is a kind of victory. Like saying “Fuck You” from underneath the very heavy sole of a very old shoe. But while outrage culture has its merits, nuance has evaporated. So often it involves reducing someone to their mistakes, their greatest hits collection of fuck-ups.

This does not mean that we should simply forgive an untoward statement. It certainly does not mean we should try to understand where that statement came from. Nor does it even mean we should read a statement within the context of the full paragraph in which it appeared. Oh no. It means, instead, we should ascribe that statement to ignorance:

What I believe Maya is trying to say is that American issues have become global. What she lacks the language to say is: how do we also care about the many millions of people around the world who are dying, right now? Why does American news, American trauma, American death, always take center-stage?

It’s pretty fucking insulting to insist that M.I.A. “lacks language.” But Róisín makes the exact same assertion again, a few paragraphs later.  She ends the lead-in to her description of the moment in which she calls out M.I.A. (which is interminably long and ponderous) with the following, deeply chilling quote: “You can understand Maya’s perspective without agreeing with her, but I had another question. How do you hold someone you love accountable?” Indeed. Even if you try in earnest to understand someone’s perspective, that does not absolve you of your duty to punish them for their word-crimes.

During the talk, M.I.A, rightfully, defended herself against accusations of racism. We can all agree that’s a mistake. In reality, it’s a mistake because wokeists considering defending oneself to constitute proof of guilt. In “nuanced” woke framing, it’s a mistake because it reveals a refusal to just listen:

Her incomprehension that people could be upset by her remarks reflected her naivety about how the internet kills its darlings. Two weeks prior to our meeting, Stephon Clark was murdered, shot twenty times in the back by two police officers. To this she responded: “Yeah, well no-one remembers the kid in Syria who is being shot right now either. Or the kid that’s dying in Somalia.” It made me wonder if she was unwell, not on a Kanye level, but just enough to lack the mechanisms it takes to understand perspective.

[ … ]

Laconic and aloof, I remind Maya on stage that anti-blackness is not an American issue, it’s universal. Perhaps it’s ego, or shameful anger, but I know she cares. Before she begins to speak I realize that you have to build empathy when someone fails you. That they’re not yours to own. You have to try your best to talk to them, and that it’s never helpful to reduce them to a punchline. I believe in Maya’s possibility to grow. I believe in the possibility of change. Maybe that’s my own naivety, but it’s also my political stance. It’s not about compromising ideology, or even making space for the existence of those ideas. It’s about creating dialogue. She begins to speak, and I listen. Holding space for her when I can without biting my tongue. But, mainly, asserting myself as hard as I can, with as much compassion as the situation deserves. We are sisters in this fight, and we’re butting heads—but both critique and accountability are important. So I remind her with a glance, with an interjection, that I’m here to talk, too.

Ascribing an ideological disagreement to one side’s refusal to listen to the other side is perhaps the laziest form of argument. It is, after all, the preferred tactic of Jordan Peterson’s idiot fans. The assumption is that one side is manifestly correct, and so the only way someone could disagree with them is they didn’t bother to listen to what that side had to say. Even if they claim to have listened, they must have listened incorrectly. Otherwise, they would certainly agree with what the other person was saying.

Róisín takes this process well beyond the Peterson fans’ simple wailing of “you need to watch more of his videos!”  She instead crafts an ethos of false humility out of a long and detailed description of attempting to not dismiss MIA’s viewpoint even as she does exactly that, of announcing how little pleasure she’s taking in describing the manifest evil of the horrible, ignorant pop star.  

This displays the bizarre definition of “listening” as the act of simply remaining silent while another person speaks. You’ll notice that Róisín doesn’t bother to cite anything M.I.A. said--it’s unlikely she retained anything, other than perhaps appropriate pull-quote that would, outside of context, allow her to present the artist as an ignorant racist. Listening remains, by definition, a unidirectional affair. But turning it into a completely passive act turns it into a powerful rhetorical tool. Listeners need not attempt to understand speakers (that might actually go against the spirit of proper Listening). It’s still okay to demonize someone for something they never actually said. The power of passive listening is that it allows us to feign humility and claim its mantle of righteousness, to disguise dismissal as empathy.

Those who have actually studied race theory might notice a pretty incredible contradiction in Róisín’s penultimate paragraph. Her belief that anti-blackness is a universal constant is perhaps ascendent now, at least within middlebrow woke media. But this is by no means an accepted understanding within actual scholarship: Adolph Reed, Barbara and Karen Fields, Asad Haider, Walter Benn-Michaels, Stephen Steinberg, and Kenneth Warren would all strongly disagree with such an assertion.

Broadly, these scholars (and dozens of others, all erased by Róisín) argue that such a conception of anti-blackness is actually incredibly regressive, as it is based on an understanding of race that cannot be combatted through personal or political action. If Róisín had bothered to actually listen--in the sense where she not only received but actively engaged with what other people were saying--she might not have made such a comment. But that’s not what she does. That’s not what is safe. That’s not what is possible. What is safe, and possible, and popular is exactly what Róisín does in this article: she presents an incredibly imperious argument in the guise of pathological humility; her perspective becomes validated precisely because of its dismissiveness. Nevermind its self-contradictions. Nevermind its profound inefficacy. She’s right, her critics are wrong, and that is all that anyone is allowed to say.

[zedrin-maybe]

A big ol’ post on Patreon’s Fees

So if you haven’t heard, Patreon wants to restructure their fee system.

As is, creators pay the service fee when users pledge to them. This means of what’s pledged, Patreon takes 5%, about 4-12% goes to fees, and then the user takes home the rest.

Patreon wants to alter it so users instead are covering the service fees, at the standard 2.9% + $0.35. Patrons will now get 95% of what’s pledged, yay!

The fee doesn’t seem like a big change until you consider one thing: there is a flat $0.35 fee per pledge. Many pledges are small, $1-3.

A $1 pledge under the new system winds up costing $1.39. That’s a 39% increase.

Of that $1.39 spent, Patreon pages receive 38%. Not 95%.

So I don’t really buy the ‘receive more of your pledge’ bit.

They want to implement these changes the 18th but there has been a big outcry. I have been VERY active on the private forums talking with staff and expressing dissent.

I know I have chimed in with several other creators saying we’d prefer to just pay the fees ourselves to prevent patrons from having to deal with this.

However, the fee model is actually a side effect of another change they wish to implement (neither a good nor bad one). That doesn’t eliminate it as a problem, but this is a bigger and more complicated to address than you’d expect.

The Big Problem

In polling my own patrons, a majority have said that, while they’re fine with paying a little bit of a fee, the flat part of the fee screws them over.

If you pledge $1 to 20 people, you are not fee’d as if you spent $20: you are fee’d 20 separate times. This means your total cost comes to $27.58.

Conversely, if you pledge $20 to one person, the cost for that pledge is $20.93.

This absolutely does not feel fair.

Additionally, new patrons won’t really be blindsided by these changes because they’ll see these fees up front. So this all affects existing patrons (before the 18th anyway).

They claimed they tested this with a control group, and found that patrons were more willing to cover the fees as it’d help the creators--however a control group I’m assuming wouldn’t have patrons with a wide range of support, so you wouldn’t get situations where someone pledges to 10 people--just people with single pledges who wind up paying less than a buck in fees.

The reason for all this

Patreon is aiming to switch their model to an anniversary system, or one that’s immediately responsive. At the moment, payment models consist of: per project, per month, and per month with pay-up-front.

Currently there are occasional cases on Patreon where someone pledges near the end of the month. This means on a monthly system, when you pledge, you get charged immediately, and then again a few days later. This isn’t fun and is frustrating, but it’s only an issue when first joining.

Patreon wants to change the model so when someone pledges, they get 30 days of an active pledge, that lasts from the first day they pledge to the same day of the next month. While this may affect some timings on rewards, this would be overall an okay change.

To do this, Patreon needs to collect payments whenever a pledge goes live. This means that the fees will be higher, however. And if the creator is covering the fees, they would see a much deeper cut than they do now.

But the solution of making patrons cover said fees is hasty and not handled well at all, especially due to them paying fees for every single pledge.

I genuinely do not believe Patreon is pushing this change in fees to make more profit. I believe they want a more responsive and active system. I think it’s a hasty and careless means to try and get to the ends of an anniversary subscriber model.

They also wish to prevent fluctuations in creator fees. This is a reasonable goal as well.

However, having to interact with financial institutions several times (or at least more than necessary) will naturally mean you have to pay more fees, and instead of loading those onto the creator and raising the existing fees, they feel the best choice is to have patrons cover the fees. I do not believe Patreon is lying here, but I do not believe they have put enough thought into this direction.

A proposed solution

I and a few others have suggested this multiple times and have yet to get a response from Patreon, but I’ll spell it out again.

First, as stated, a majority of users specifically do not want the $0.35 fee per pledge, but are willing to pay a bit of a fee if it is necessary. The anniversary model will help with a lot of cases from a user point of view.

Therefor the goal of this solution is to not penalize someone for supporting many people. It is not to remove the user fees outright (though maybe it would still work in that context)

So, we need to make an assumption that SHOULD be accurate:

Patreon should not be charging a fee for sending a portion of a balance from one account to another, if the money is already 100% on the account. There are no financial institutions involved, it is just money moving internally through Patreon.

If this assumption is true, then that should allow for flexibility by relying on Patreon’s account balance or wallet. The total amount you pledge or limit yourself to would be reloaded each month to a cap you have set. All the fees would come into play for just this one, monthly transaction.

As your pledges come up, the money would be transferred from your balance to another, with no fees because it is completely internal.

Additionally, making new pledges would incur the fee separate from the monthly transaction for just the first pledge, unless you already have money on your account that isn’t going to go to other users. This would just be one time, as it’s a new transaction, but it would prompt you to raise your monthly cap.

This seems fairly obvious but I feel that it hasn’t been considered. I have been pressuring Patreon for a response to see if there are actually still fees with transferring from balance to balance, but no word yet.

On Patreon’s Goals

Additionally, I’d like to just state: while I appreciate the goal of removing fluctuations in fees, outright removal of the processing fees from the creator’s side is not the only solution to this. Simply normalizing the fees via any combination of the proposed systems (especially if they are simply reduced) would also be good, especially if it can help reduce or prevent the ridiculous cost hike for smaller pledges (especially multiple smaller ones). I am used to paying the service fees as a creator.

Also: while the proposed subscriber model is enticing, the fee complications hold a greater priority for me. The subscriber model is something Patreon ultimately wants regardless, and understandably so, but in the mean time with monthly systems, UI options would help reduce existing complications in the fringe cases where someone pledges at the start of a month to prevent a double charge--e.g., a warning dialog could pop up, or they could have options to schedule a pledge to start at a point where they won’t be double charged.