#like for the longest time--this whole time actually--i pictured him as just. gay. straight up

[superscourge]

why am i Just Now rethinking my scourge interpretation's sexuality..

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

Steve was lying on the floor of Robin's room, his back against the wall as he let Robin paint his toenails while he flipped through one of her magazines. The radio played softly in the background.

"I am totally new to having a girlfriend, and by girlfriend, I mean platonic girlfriend," Robin said.

"Well, that's one thing we got in common, I don't think I've ever had a girl who's just a friend," Steve said.

"What about Perkins?" Robin asked.

"She doesn't count, I hated her. She's the reason Tommy became such an asshole," Steve said.

"Hm, yeah," Robin said and paused. "So, how close were you and Tommy?"

"Well, we were friends since we were eight. We pretty much bonded over the fact that we both had assholes for fathers. We shared everything and told each other everything. He told me about his first crush, and I told him about my first crush. We practiced kissing, practiced having sex, and when I got first kiss, I told him immediately," Steve said.

"Woah, woah, woah! Back it up!" Robin exclaimed, and she closed the nail polish. "What the fuck do you mean you practiced kissing and having sex with Tommy Hagan?"

"Exactly what it means," Steve said, rolling his eyes. "We hadn't gotten girlfriends yet, and we wanted to get good before we did. It doesn't mean anything. We like women, so it didn't count."

"It still counts!" Robin shrieked. "Did you or did you not put your lips on Tommy's?"

"Yeah, and I also let Tommy put his dick in my ass. I was basically his pillow," Steve said as he continued to casually flip through the magazine. "It doesn't count if you're not gay, Robin."

"It doesn't work like that! Steve Harrington, the first time you had sex was with Tommy Hagan!" Robin exclaimed.

"It was not!" Steve exclaimed, throwing down the magazine.

"Was too!" She yelled.

"Was not!" Steve yelled.

"Okay! So, let's say if I kissed you right now. . .," Robin said.

"Wouldn't count as your first kiss, you're a lesbian and I'm straight," Steve said.

Robin grinned, a manic look in her eye. She pulled her hand back and slapped Steve across the face. He screamed.

"Didn't count! I'm a lesbian and you're straight!" Robin yelled.

"Okay, okay, I see your point. Jesus, did you have to hit me so hard?" Steve asked, rubbing his red cheek.

"Yeah, dingus, I did," Robin said.

"Okay, so my first kiss was with Tommy, and I lost my virginity. We're not gay, though," Steve said.

"No, just desperate and very horny teenagers, apparently," Robin rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you had gay sex before me, and you're not even gay. I bet you pictured some blond with big boobies."

"Well, no, actually," Steve shrugged.

"Hm, what do you mean?" Robin asked.

"I didn't have to picture a woman. I liked it," Steve shrugged.

"You liked it?!" Robin asked.

"Well, I am a man, Robin," Steve said.

"Uh, except not every man likes it when another man rams it up his asshole," Robin said. "Okay, I kind of wish I had been more delicate about this, but I didn't know this was you being in denial kind of situation."

"I'm straight, Robin, I like women," Steve said.

"Yeah, and did you know that you can like men and women?" Robin asked.

"What?" Steve asked.

Robin smiled and got up to pull out a box from underneath her bed. She pulled out a magazine and tossed it at Steve.

"Read it, study it, learn from it," Robin said.

Steve looked at it quizzically for a moment before opening it. He stared at it for the longest time before finally closing it.

"I am an idiot," Steve said.

"No, you're not. You just didn't know," she said softly.

"Bisexual," Steve whispered, and then he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh my god, this whole time, I thought I lost my virginity to Chrissy Cunningham."

"Chrissy Cunningham?" Robin asked.

"Uh, we used to hang out all the time before she started dating Jason Carver," Steve said. "Our parents ran in the same circles."

"Well, you know, I guess you could say you lost your guy virginity to Tommy Hagan and your girl virginity to Chrissy Cunningham," Robin said.

"Yeah, that's true," Steve grinned. "Thanks, Robin, and especially thank you for giving me that slap. I definitely needed it."

"Anytime that you want me to hit you, I'm your woman," Robin replied.

They moved towards Robin's window sill and sat on it, opening a window to get some fresh air.

"You know this means that I'm not straight," Steve said.

"Something else we have in common," she said.

"You ever wonder how many out there who are like me and who just don't know?" he asked as he looked up at the moon. "Here in Hawkins, I mean."

"Probably a lot more than we think," Robin said. "And they're out there, sitting in their closets wondering if they're ever going escape themselves or be rescued."

"Isn't crazy how we found ourselves?" Steve said.

"Maybe queer people just end up finding each other," Robin said.

"Well, maybe they'll find their way out themselves," Steve said and then he looked her, hazel eyes twinkling in the moonlight. "Seriously, Robin, thank you."

"You did that yourself, you know, you just needed a nudge. I mean, you could have told me to go fuck myself and continued to live in denial," Robin said. "You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for."

Steve smiled bashfully and glanced back at the moon. He looked at her, with tears in his eyes.

"Is it possible to be platonically in love with someone?" he asked.

"I think anything is possible," she said. "I think it's a definite because I know that I'm absolutely, platonically in love with you."

They dangled their feet out the window and leaned against each other, Steve resting his head on top of Robin's.

"I wish I'd known you sooner," he whispered.

"I wish I'd known you sooner, too," she whispered back.

They were here now, though, and absolutely nothing could get in between them.

Part Two

[darkcircles4lyfe]

You've written about queer rep and implied queer rep in MHA so I was wondering what are your thoughts on Aoyama? In the beginning of the series most of the audience assumes that he's gay or queer because he's feminine or not traditionally masculine, and I also assumed that his line about being 'different' was a not-so-subtle reference to him being gay. But flash forward!! That 'different' line is actually foreshadowing him being quirkless. I personally see this as Horikoshi playing with people's expectations and assumptions again. The joke was on the audience for assuming that behaving feminine = gay when there's really no way to 'behave gay', it's just social norms. Aoyama got a plotline with flaws and conflicts beyond what the audience initially assumed and it has nothing to do with being queer at all. He could still be queer, but the rep is casual just like Tiger. Horikoshi disguising quirklessness with perceived queerness caused the audience to miss the foreshadowing from a mile away. It's also interesting how Aoyama and Deku are supposed to be compared since they're both quirkless kids. Aoyama, the guy the fandom perceives as queer, being paralleled with Deku... perhaps another hint to Deku being canonically queer as well? I really wanna hear your thoughts on this haha

You know that song, “Gay or European?” Haha. Anyway.

I’m glad you brought this up because it appears to be yet another example of Horikoshi planting an obvious looking trope, only to subvert our expectations. And it’s funny because it worked perfectly. If you ask the average cishet fan, they would most likely concede that Aoyama is not straight. Even a homophobe would agree. And thus we all had to deal with the excuse, “Deku can’t be gay! Look! *points to Aoyama* this is how The Creator draws gay people!” He’s the Gay One. End of discussion. But I’m sure Horikoshi’s intent was mostly on disguising Aoyama’s angst about being quirkless and a traitor, like you said. I think it’s cool that his backstory ends up being totally unrelated to his potential queer identity. It laughs in the face of those who wrote him off as a flat stereotype.

When you think about it that way, Horikoshi must have made the connection that the angst around being quirkless is similar, and can even be seen as a metaphor for queerness. He’s aware of the double entendre. So I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that there is also queer coding involved in comparing Aoyama and Izuku for their similar backgrounds. For the longest time, we were led to believe they have something in common, but were not told what that was. Of course Horikoshi must have known how that sounded.

That’s why I’m not so sure he used Aoyama to intentionally deflect attention away from other potentially queer characters. Idk, but the idea doesn’t sit right with me. People made this assumption that if he made some characters obviously and explicitly queer, then he wouldn’t try to be sneaky with others. But that’s kinda disingenuous. Aoyama definitely does still service the whole general picture of the manga seeming predictable at first glance, though. I just don’t think Horikoshi was like “I’ll make this character obviously queer so no one suspects Izuku” because again, he makes an effort to draw attention to their similarities. It goes over the cishet audience’s heads, but it’s there for anyone who is familiar with the more nuanced intentions and methods of queer coding. Maybe that’s the whole genius master plan, to fool the straights, but do a little wink wink nudge nudge for the rest of us so we’re in on the game.

[roanofarcc]

For some reason even though I mentioned about Steve and Mike having to interact because of Nancy and him dating, I kind of forgot that they would have known each other the longest. That’s actually making me laugh like they probs had the most grudging relationship. And when max or Lucas or Will mentions that to Mike his brain would just short circuit. Like it would be the most hilarious thing ever. And Will would be like well I can’t say anything to him because the kids would have had to known about Nancy and Steve breaking up and the whole thing. And Will would like to not dive into that territory and make everything awkward so he’s like Mike you are doing this. And mike’s just standing there with his brain going because shit he’s known Steve the longest. Out of the party (without Dustin) he’s been around Steve long enough to be able to ask for a personal favor in a moment where it’s not life or death.

And lol yeah Will and Steve in that never ending story duet is the most hilarious thing ever. And you’re right it would be hilarious to see Steve, Robin, and will interact. Especially because you’re right she would just be like he’s gay and like she would hide that she knows but also st the same time she feels a kinship with him and knows that Steve will accept him so it’s hard for her to completely ignore. Like she wants Will to be able to be comfortable because she never had that with any of her other friends besides steve. So it would just be this cool solidarity moment between the two of them. But of course Steve being Steve and wanting them to feel more comfortable would probs do the exact same thing that he did for Robin.

Like you said I hated that whole creepy picture thing too. Because like it was obvious that they needed something for them to figure out that the monster had took Barb. So that was like the ‘quick fix’ without actually addressing it. Like he says sorry to Nancy but at the same time it’s not a full-on thing where it should have been glazed over as quickly as it did.

And yeah there really should be a moment where they all meet up and Steve talks with Joyce and hopper. Because like we’ve been speculating Steve is more of that leadership/adult role and trying to keep everyone together. So like it would be so cool to see Steve looking up to them in anticipation for their next plan in how to fix things while also helping to make the that plan. And it would give Steve his badass/intelligent scenes. Because I love me some badass steve. This is shorter compared to my other ones but I didn’t want to keep repeating everything we’ve said soo

they really robbed us of a begrudging relationship between steve and mike. like all we really got was when steve was left with the kids at the end of season 2 and then when they wanted to sneak into the movies at the start of season 3. like I kind of get it because it is weird to talk to your sister's ex-boyfriend (who's now friends with one of your friends). but like I feel like we could have gotten more snarky comments between them that would have been really funny.

if will had stayed in hawkins, robin for sure would have picked up on the fact that will was not straight. will and mike would walk into the video store once, just to the two of them, to pick out some movies and robin would instantly know something was up between them.

Yeah, it would have been one thing if they addressed the photos further, but the way they dropped it completely was annoying and didn't make much sense. and the fact that he only apologized to nancy and not steve or even tommy and carol. like I get that tommy and carol were assholes, but like he still took creepy, stalkerish photos of them? and he did it at steve's house, in his bedroom window. it was weird, really weird.

yes, yes, yes!! steve kind of teaming up with joyce and hopper when they all come together! I did like the fun-loving season 3 steve to an extent, but they really overdid it I feel like. but this season, if they put him more into a leadership role and give him more responsibility I feel like they can redeem that. I want more season 2 energy with Steve, but obviously a little different since everything they went through at starcourt. speaking of that, I really want them to address the fact that he and robin were literally interrogated and drugged? I really hope they don't just gloss over that and brush it off. him and robin should get to deal with the effects of that, together.

[thebooki3h]

Lukadamianette Au Part 2

First Here Next

We begin where we left off, with Luka and Marinette on one of the dates Luka Planned. Just because it makes sense in this, Luka and Mari arrive a week early

Because Mari is emancipated and excused herself for the first week of school before the trip during which the class is still in France bc they just ended summer and all that jazz. also I have decided that the trip has turned into a half semester exchange program even though this doesn’t make the most sense, but the French school thought the class could use a reward and tbh they just wanted to get the Akuma class out for awhile. Also this way they aren’t in Gotham for a whole semester of senior year. The trip is planned for the first half of the first semester of senior year. I know that this doesn't make a whole lot of sense but just stick with me.

They go sight seeing and basically on a week long date bc the following week begins the Wayne sponsored exchange program and when Luka has to work for Jagged. One day they go to museums, the next the go to famous parks around Gotham (which are thriving thanks to Poison Ivy), the next they see all of the famous villain spots (which are surprisingly popular tourist destinations bc for the most part they don’t get hit twice in short periods of time) which is a good cover for studying past bat battles. They take days in between to rest and use the inspiration they gained to make new songs or clothing designs. 

They share hotel room bc Mari’s parents stopped being her parents a long time ago and lost their say and bc Jagged says they are grown up enough to be responsible for their actions (which brings a blush to their cheeks every time bc “daaaaaddddd” “uncle jaggeeedddd”)

Mari also makes it her mission to visit all of the non chain coffee shops at least once while they are there bc coffee became her best friend when she was active as ladybug. She meets Tim in almost everyone because Tim also drinks coffee obsessively. Luka is more of a tea drinker because coffee interrupts his musical thought process and tea is less harsh. Marinette drinks tea when she wants to relax but coffee is the fuel of the gods. She expresses this to Tim and that's how they become acquainted bc finally someone understands his love for coffee. They exchange numbers after they run into each other for a fourth time. (Luka silently thinks that he might have to talk to Mari about her obsession of coffee again and if there is a rehab center for coffee drinkers) Tim learns that Mari is from the exchange class very quickly based off of Luka’s French accent as well as her light French accent that is mixed with a couple things he can’t quite place.

The class arrives, Lila ofc tried to pull something to leave Mari behind and she thought she was successful so she was gloating. She ofc took credit for the whole trip claiming that she was super close to the Waynes and that she helped Damian acclimate to his new school (she actually knows that Damian didn’t start living with his father until 10 bc why not). Mrs Bustier tries to check in under both her name and Lila’s name, both of which don’t work because they are A) an hour and a half early and B) all of the reservations are under the contest winners name (they have to ok their chaperones to use their name) C)Mrs Bustier told Mari to make all of the reservations under Mari’s name anyway and she totally forgot that. 

So the sit in the lobby for an hour, Lila has the whole class riled up bc Marinette isn't there and it is al her fault that they can’t get in to their rooms. Marinette shows up with Luka 15 mins before the class was supposed to show up (they had just gotten lunch at a cafe that jagged had recommended) and she is laughing and happy, which causes the class to BLOW UP in her face. She ignores them and checks everyone into their rooms. Kagami and Chloe share a suite bc they are rich in their own right and upgraded their shared room bc they are dating and signed up to be roommates. They got this okayed by Buister in writing JIC. Marinette as the contest winner also got a suite (the room she had been staying in with Luka that she just extended the booking for)

Lila and Alya obviously make a big fuss about them getting special treatment but bustier can’t do anything because Mari won’t let her. She secretly thinks Mari is a lost cause now but she tries her best to get her to see that she has to be a role model. Mari actually planned the whole trip and she did a fucking fantastic job bc its Mari and planning something is what she is great at. She has all of the bases covered including iternerary, bookings for food, emergency contact info, health info, info on Gotham, safety procedures and the whole shebang. All of which had to be approved by  Bustier and that Bustier has copies of but totally ignored.

The next day they try to pull the let’s leave an hour early to leave behind Marinette stunt. Not only does that fail because the tour can’t start until the contest winner is there, but they arrived before Wayne tower was even open to the public. Because jagged is extra he shipped Luka and Marinette motorcycles to Gotham bc they were going to be there for a couple months, they also got special permission from Wayne enterprises to park their bikes in the employee parking structures from Tim once he heard that they rode bikes as expensive as Jason’s. So she left early from the hotel with Luka(bc she knew that Bustier would leave her behind somehow) to go meet up with Tim at a new coffee place (one of his favorites). They end up riding on their respective bikes to WE together so they can hang out before the tour. Luka goes to a recording studio to meet up with Jagged, but not before a very passionate kiss goodbye, which makes Tim blush. (Tim may not seem like the biker type but he is a bat and he lives with Jason so he not only knows how to ride a motorcycle well has one, so it may not be his favorite mode of transportation but he’ll live)

So he and Marinette walk to WE about a half an hour before the class is supposed to be there in the middle of a debate on how best to brew coffee (Mari insists its French press) and low and behold they are there yelling at the receptionist. Mari gives Tim a look that says I’m so sorry you have to see this and yes I was not exaggerating walks up to the receptionist and apologizes for what she is about to do (not for the classes actions bc fuck them they can apologize for themselves she has learned to not take responsibility for others actions and she won’t let all that work go to waste). She then proceeds to yell, much louder than someone of her stature presumably should “SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I STG I WILL BREAK JOKER OUT OF ARKHAM AND LOCK HIM IN A ROOM WITH ALL OF YOU WITHOUT FLINCHING” this is shocking to everyone, especially mrs bustier who is  scandalized  that her role model student would do something like this.

Tim had a feeling that something video worthy would happen so as soon as she walked away he started recording, and he was NOT disappointed. The video gos straight to the batfam gc and Luka immediately. He powered off his phone then he proceeds to start laughing and applauding. Upon seeing the CEO’s reaction the rest of the employees start applauding as well bc damn those kids were rude. Tim then walks up to Mari talking at a speed no one but Mari, Chloe and Kagami could understand (bc the class is not fluent in English no matter what they would tell you). Mari proceeds to blush once he informs her that he sent a video to Luka (he does not tell her about the batfam gc)

Chloe and Kagami are immediate intrigued bc this is NOT what they picture when Mari said she met someone who loves coffee as much as she does. they may be hella gay for each other but damn that man is ripped. They join the convo while the class remains befuddled bc who knew Mari even swore. in the back of his mind Nino is reminded of a young blue-eyed girl who lost playground privileges for a week bc someone made fun of his glasses and proceed to punch said someone in the nose. But he shakes it of because Mari hasn’t been like that in years. 

Bustier eventually collects herself and gently, so as not to cause an Akuma (apparently she didn't get the memo), reminds Mari that they are here for a tour and she needs to get the class their passes.  So Mari leaves her friends to get acquainted and goes up to the receptionist, to whom she apologizes for her actions again, and the receptionist replies with a laugh and a “honey, you just made my week, there's no need to apologize I should be thanking you” (she does thank Mari). Mari gets a special pass bc she’s the contest winner to which Lila and Alya (then the rest of the class for the most part) proceed to throw a hissy fit over. The receptionist is so over them though and doesn’t even blink. 

Then their tour guide shows up. (its Dick and his assistant Damian). Damian proceeds to scold the class for a solid ten mins (which coincidentally leads up to their scheduled time to start the tour). Dick slides off to talk to the receptionist and his brother who isn't working and is talking to real people for once. Just for that they are his favorite out of the class. Tim unfortunately has to go to work so they talk to Dick to get acquainted until the tour has to officially start. 

Los tres amigos are the only ones who pay attention to Dick at all (he leads the tour bc he’s been there the longest but Damian throws in a comment here or there mostly related to shenanigans his family has gotten into but overall useful facts. for example these windows are reinforced because our CEO (Tim) leaned up against one, fell asleep and fell through the window to the office below.)

The rest of the class is focused on Lila who is talking a whole bunch of nonsense about the Wayne family and how she has helped them with their business. Some things actually sound kinda legit, but Mari and Co. know that it is BS. Dick tries to bet bustier involved but she makes an excuse for Lila and goes on her phone and doesn’t really pay attention. 

Eventually the class tour turns into Dick talking to Mari, Chloe and Kagami while the class vaguely follows them. Damian doesn’t really say anything because he generally doesn’t do well talking to strangers and these girls seem ok and he is still insecure (not that he would ever admit it to anyone ) about social interaction now that he has figured out how people who weren’t raised as assassins act. That is until Dick starts talking about shenanigans that his brothers get into, and Damian jumps in correcting him because  I did not try to tackle Todd, Grayson I did tackle Todd quite successful and also Alfred won’t let you into the kitchen anymore because you almost burned down the east wing of the manor not  because he is territorial over the kitchen. And Mari hadn’t really paid attention to Damian until now but OH MY KAWAMI he is hot, and how did she talk so long to notice that. 

She ends up taking a pic of Damian without him noticing (he really doesn’t notice which is a feat in itself but Dick does and he will  be teasing Damian about it later bc obviously) and she texts it to Luka bc if she is going to freak out over his hotness she wants Luka to do so too. ( he sees the pic in the middle of recording and he ends up needing a water break bc gay panic and he really is extremely handsome. Recording gets delayed even longer bc jagged cannot pass up the opportunity to tease him son and he does so mercilessly and Mari totally knew what she was doing when she sent that picture) Luka ends up demanding that she gets Damians number or he will because that man is fine.  

Mari now knows that the stuttering idolization that she had with Adrien wasn’t really healthy and Luka likes to remind her all the time that she can be smooth when she wants to be (sometimes unintentionally but she practices on Luka because she loves to see him blush). Mari then makes it her mission to compliment Damian as much as possible so that it is crystal clear and very obvious that she is flirting with him. If he even shows a little discomfort in a negative I don’t like this kind of way she will stop because she will not make someone go through what she went through with Chat Noir and unwanted advances.

Chloe, Kagami and Dick immediately notice that she is flirting with Damian. Chloe takes a video for Luka bc she knows that he would want to see this and Dick takes a video for the Batfam gc. 

Just to be clear Mari and Luka have talked about seeing other people and maybe adding a third person to their relationship as long as they talk about it. that line of communication was opened when Mari sent a pic of Damian to Luka and when Luka asked for his number that was his “go ahead” for her to flirt with Damian. Lila doesn’t understand how that works and neither do the rest of the class so that is a point of contention between the class and Mari. She would NEVER cheat on Luka, she loves him and he is the most important person to her in the world. Something that Juleka understands (she just doesn’t like Mari bc of Lila she knows how polyamory works this is why her and Luka aren't as close as they used to be)

Moving on... the batfam gc blows up for a second time that day and so when the class goes to the cafeteria Tim just has to see this for himself. Mari tries not to be obnoxious in her flirting so she compliments Damians intelligence by asking him questions that weren't included in the tour, and she asks him about his interests and is like that must have taken a lot of time to perfect you must be very dedicated. Damian isn’t used to genuine compliments especially from strangers so he is very flustered by it but he makes no indication for her to stop. 

The day winds down and the class has some free time before they have to go to dinner but the do have to leave the tower. Mari does actually get Damians number (he thinks she must be very well trained to get his number that quick bc he refuses to accept that he gave it to her because he likes her) Mari promises to ft him later bc he promised to let her meet his dog and she doesn’t want to wait until the class has dinner at the manor to see Titus.

First Here Next

Taglist

@dood-space

@toodaloo-kangaroo

Also I’m not very sure about how to go back and edit posts to link new parts so if anyone knows how to do that please comment or message me because I would love to learn!

[fingergunsbidean]

A Journey in Bisexuality

Word Count: 4.3k Pairings: Dean/Castiel (main), Dean/OMC, Dean/Lee, Dean/Garth Warnings: Underage feelings for Harrison Ford, internalized homophobia, mentions of homophobia but no homophobic actions are done towards Dean, drunken kissing, NSFW elements but no smut, alcoholism implied, and mentions of John Winchester’s A+ parenting, but no actual interactions with him. Summary: A character study of Dean and his journey with discovering and accepting his bisexuality.

Note: I was NEVER actually planning on posting this. I’m NOT a fic writer lol. I actually wrote this as a self paragraph in a 1x1 ten months ago, but I thought we could all use some Dean going to therapy and healing after that finale, so here we are. 

Dean is fourteen when he starts looking at Harrison Ford differently. It’s not just him, it’s all his favorites, but right now it’s all about Harrison Ford. 

His dad is on a hunt in the next town over, leaving Sam and Dean in some cheap motel. For once, he’s not itching to join him, because the local cable is having an all day Harrison Ford marathon, starting with Star Wars and ending with Indiana Jones.

He’s always admired the guy. He’s good looking, knows how to handle a gun, wears an awesome hat, and always wins the hot girl in the end. 

The thing is that Dean always wanted to be him, and as he watches Indi somersault out of the way of an oncoming boulder, he still does, but there’s something more there tonight that he hasn’t noticed in the past.

His cheeks feel flushed and there’s heat tickling underneath his skin. At first, he thinks he’s getting a fever or something and moves over to the other bed, just in case he’s contagious. 

The space does nothing to help Dean though, and his pink cheeks grow bright red when Indiana kisses Willie in Temple of Doom. As the music swells, and he lowly says the words “primitive sexual practices,” Dean finds that he’s picturing himself in Willie’s place, with Harrison Ford looming over him and dipping down to kiss him deeply.

The realization of what he’s doing crashes into him, leaving him a little sick to his stomach as he snatches the remote and turns the TV off abruptly. He swallows roughly to chase away the sick feeling and gives Sam a feigned apologetic look. 

“I–uh–think I’m gettin’ sick or something. I’m going to bed,” He says. But hours after the lights are turned off and he’s buried under the covers, he’s still wide awake.

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is seventeen, and this is the longest they’ve stayed in one place since he watched their house in Lawrence disappear from the backseat in the Impala. 

When their dad took on a pretty big case in Florida, he left the Sam and Dean with Bobby, and then…just kind of left them there. It’s been three months. At first he was pissed. He’s old enough to go on hunts with his dad. He’s been on plenty, while Sam was safely hidden away in a motel.

“You gotta watch over Sammy,” John said, like he always does when Dean asks to go.

It felt like a shitty excuse at the time, but now he can’t imagine being away from his little brother this long, and while he’ll never admit it, he’s glad he left them with Bobby.

For the first time, Dean actually knows the names of the other kids in his class. He has decent grades, and he’s even considering trying out for the baseball team. 

Sammy seems happy too. Dean has seen the poor kid get ripped away from school after school, trying to keep his sobs quiet in the backseat as their dad drove away from yet another town. He hates himself for thinking of it, but when he sees how settled Sam is at Bobby’s, he hopes their dad doesn’t come back.

And maybe he’s happy too, and he tries not to feel guilty, but it’s not like his dad will ever know. Whenever he shows up for them, Dean will follow with a “yes, sir,” like he always does. 

Until then, he just lets himself be a normal seventeen year old for once. He even found a group of friends and everything, a few guys from his gym class. There’s Matt, Jordan, and Aaron with the too blue eyes, or at least that’s what he calls him in his head. As if he’d ever have the nerve to call him that aloud.

Thoughts about boys creep up on him like itch, dull at first but the more he ignores it the more insistent it becomes. When he first noticed these…feelings, he told himself, “It’s a celebrity crush, it’s fine. Everyone gets those.” But then it grew into, “It’s just some stranger in a diner, it’s fine. You’ll never see him again,” and now it’s, “It’s just your good looking friend, it’s fine.”

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

It’s not fine, but Dean pushes it down and pretends it’s not there. Besides, he hasn’t stopped noticing girls. If anything, he’s notices them more. As long as that’s the case, there’s no reason to act on these feelings or even acknowledge them. 

His dad doesn’t want a whole lot from him. He wants him to protect Sam and be a good hunter, but Dean sure as hell knows what he doesn’t want for him, and that’s being with another guy like that, especially when he’s still attracted to girls. He’s seen the way his dad looks at gay guys, heard the comments he makes under his breath, and there’s no way that’s the kind of life he wants for his sons.

So, every time Aaron gives him the kind of smile that makes his chest warm or he finds himself staring too long, he reminds himself of all the reasons why this can’t be a thing. And just because Dean is thinking things he shouldn’t be, doesn’t mean Aaron is too.

He needs that reminder right now as the four of them are packed together in a crowded movie theater, seeing Scream. At some point, Aaron scooted closer to Dean’s side, pressing their shoulders together. 

The screams from the crowd sound like a dull roar in his ears when Aaron’s pinky brushes against his, and he holds his breath as he slowly tangles them together, until they’re practically holding pinkies. 

He should rip his hand away, he even stiffens as he prepares himself to, but then his shoulders sag as he leans further into the touch. He doesn’t want to pull away. His eyes burn as he stares fixedly at the screen with how badly he doesn’t want to pull away.

They stay like that for the rest of the movie, sneaking glances at each other, but keeping the touch to just their shoulders and pinkies. When the credits roll, Dean finally pulls away, stretching as he stands to try and come off as casual as possible. 

They toss their popcorn in the trash and talk about the movie as they head out of the theater. Matt and Jordan give them a quick pat on the shoulders before heading off, and before Dean can go searching for Bobby’s truck in the parking lot, Aaron grabs his elbow to keep him from leaving.

“Dean?” His blue eyes flicker from Dean’s face to the ground nervously, “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Like without Matt and Jordan.”

Dean feels his throat close as he struggles to get air in his lungs, worried that his popcorn might come back up. He doesn’t know why he’s acting like this. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out just the two of them, but from the way Aaron’s blushing he has a feeling it’s more than that.

“You mean like…” He trails off, unsure if he can even say it, but Aaron beats him to it.

“Like a date, yeah. I don’t know if you–if you’re–well, I thought I’d try, at least,” He gives a nervous look as he braves meeting Dean’s gaze.

His first instinct is to be furious, to fly off the handle at him for even daring to assume that Dean isn’t anything but straight, to tell him he doesn’t swing that way and storm off, maybe even get a punch in, but he’s frozen. 

Despite all his promises to himself that he wouldn’t ever acknowledge this thing that follows him around, he starts entertaining the idea of letting himself have this. His dad is on the other side of the country, he’ll never find out. Nobody has to know if they keep it to themselves. He can just try it this once to get it out of his system and then stick to girls.

“Yeah, okay,” Dean chokes out before he even fully gives himself permission to, and he knows he needs to leave now before he chickens out, “I gotta go. Uh–I’ll call you.” Aaron lets out a huge, relieved breath before giving Dean one of those grins that make his insides squirm with delight, and he smiles back, giving him a playful wink before walking away.

He spends the drive back to Bobby’s going between panic and excitement, planning out potential date ideas but also rehearsing ways to turn Aaron down. As he pulls into the Salvage yard and sees the Impala, he realizes it’s all for nothing and feels strangely numb. It’s time for the next hunt, and he knows with absolute certainty that he’ll never see Aaron again. It’s for the best, he tells himself. 

Who was he fucking kidding anyway?

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is twenty-one and drunk on the beach. His vision is a little fuzzy, and when he looks up at the sheer amount of stars in the pitch black sky, he feels dizzy, causing him to stumble into the body beside him.

“Watch it, brother. You don’t wanna eat sand,” A husky voice laughs as he grips Dean’s shoulders with strong hands to steady him.

Lee can’t fill the hole that Sam left when he went off to Stanford, but having him around helps him feel a little less like he’s suffocating. John swung by Texhoma in hopes to recruit his old buddy for a hunt, but got his son instead. Dean and John were glad for the turn of events for different reasons. His dad admired how strong of a fighter Lee was, his training precise enough for John’s Marine standards.

Dean just admired him, in general. He’s having a hell of a time ignoring it when his dad is always there. Maybe, it’s just his paranoia talking, but it feels like he’s watching Dean too closely, noting how he acts around Lee. Which is what inspires their first escape from John Winchester in a slew of rowdy drunken activities. 

After he caught them wasted in a middle of a hunt, they started being more discreet about it, so while John was dead asleep in his motel room, the two of them snuck off to a bar and then stumbled their way to the closest beach.

Lee’s hands on his shoulders make him feel both grounded but also like he’s teetering over the edge of a cliff. The moon illuminates his face from where it���s hovering near Dean’s, his blue eyes boring into his. 

In his drunken state, he forgets what they were talking about, or if they were even talking at all, and all those walls he’s been building around himself for the past decade feel flimsy, like the slightest nudge will knock them all down.

Dean’s gaze flickers wildly over his face before landing on a piece of hair that fell over his eyes. “You have sand in your hair,” He drunkenly giggles and lifts a hand to pull the sand out before tucking the errant hair behind Lee’s ear. Instead of dropping his hand like he planned to, he cups his friends cheek instead, his thumb absently brushing over his soft skin.

“Dean,” Lee breathes, low and rough, and it sends a tingle down his spine.

“Hey,” He answers, because it feels like the right the thing to say in the moment, or maybe he just doesn’t know what the hell to say when they’re standing this close and he wants nothing more than to just close the remaining distance, give into this want that’s been burning in his chest for years.

Something like recognition shows in Lee’s eyes before he clasps the back of Dean’s neck and draws him down to seal their lips together in a tentative kiss. It’s more gentle and hesitant than his actual first kiss, but it makes his entire body practically sing. 

He hears a desperate noise over the sound of the waves, and he thinks it might’ve come for him, but he doesn’t care. He can beat himself up for that later, but for now, he sighs against Lee’s lips and deepens the kiss, letting himself have this.

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Lee is the longest relationship he’s ever had, which is pretty sad, considering it lasts for about a month. But in that month, they find creative ways to sneak around his dad and even get caught up in some kind of wild orgy with triplets. 

It all crashes and burns when a case in Arizona goes horribly, horribly wrong, and Lee can’t just move past it. He quits hunting and leaves Dean to go back home, giving him one last lingering kiss before he drives away.

With hardly anything more than a dismissive grunt, John leaves shortly after, deciding Dean is finally old enough to hunt on his own, and that they’ll cover more ground to find whatever killed mom if they split up. The fact that his dad trusts him to do this on his own should be enough to fill him with pride, but it feels more like punishment, and for the first time in his life, he’s completely alone.

A week after Lee and his dad left, he’s sitting in the parked Impala, dialing Sam’s number.

“Heya, Sammy,” He greets his brother, trying to keep his voice as nonchalant and cheerful as possible. 

They talk about Sam’s homework and friends, and Dean tells him about some interesting hunts, leaving out the most recent one. He doesn’t tell him about dad leaving, but Lee is on the tip of his tongue. Part of him wants to tell Sam–to get this weight off his shoulders, for one more person to know, so it doesn’t feel like some big fever dream.

“Sam,” He starts, his tone suddenly serious. “I’m…” He stops. He’s what? He’s not gay, but he obviously ain’t straight either. But who says he has to label himself right this second though? He can just tell him about Lee. “I…” He tries again, but the words just don’t come.

That time he agreed to go on a date with Aaron, he told himself it’d be a one time thing to get it out of his system, and while this wasn’t Aaron, that’s what Lee can be. A one time thing. Something that Sam doesn’t need to know about.

“I gotta go. Take care of yourself, okay?”

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is thirty and fucking grateful for it. It’s 2009, and not 2014. He still has time to fix this. When he whips around and sees Cas standing there on the empty street, there’s a look on his face that Dean can only describe as tenderness, and that makes him believe he really can fix this.

“That’s pretty nice timing, Cas,” Dean breathes shakily, overwhelmed by the sheer relief that this Cas is his Cas, not the version he left in 2014.

“We had an appointment,” Cas replies, and there’s so much warmth in his gravely voice that Dean wants to chase it and hold it close to his chest. 

He feels his face do something that’s probably too open and too fond, but he doesn’t do anything to mask it. Instead, he firmly rests a hand on the angel’s shoulder and looks him straight in the eye before saying, “Don’t ever change.”

Dean wouldn’t say Cas has much variety in his facial expressions, so the hint of a smile he gets in return feels huge. It reaches his eyes more than his lips, and something about that makes it more genuine. 

This isn’t the first time Dean felt something after prolonged eye contact with the guy, far from it, but it’s usually a shock of heat or desire–this is something else entirely. He just wants to find more ways to earn looks like this, which seems impossible with the apocalypse around the corner, but he wants to try.

It’s been nearly a decade since he told himself he wouldn’t let himself act on feelings for another man, but shit has changed. His dad is dead, and that’s not enough to erase the shame that still washes over him any time he accidentally checks out another dude, but John Winchester is not an excuse anymore. 

The world is ending, isn’t this the best time to say fuck it and try?

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is thirty-two, and he’s very naked, and very sticky. He curses himself under his breath for not taking the time to clean up before passing out, but he must’ve worn himself out. 

For a second he forgets where he is or who he was with the night before, but when he cracks an eye open, he sees peeling yellow wallpaper from the ugly ass motel room he’s been staying in. He blindly reaches a hand out behind him and makes contact with an equally naked and sticky body.

“Hey, watch the hand,” A very familiar voice laughs from behind him, causing Dean to whip around in surprise, wincing at the soreness that follows.

“Garth?” He asks wearily.

“Yeah, who else? We didn’t even drink last night, don’t pull the forgotten one night stand act with me, Dean Winchester,” Garth chastises him gently, propping himself up on his elbow as he smiles down at him.

Dean blinks a few times to try and wake himself up, and when he’s feeling a little less disoriented, the night before comes back to him–and, oh yeah, he remembers it. Who would’ve thought a little guy like Garth could be such a firecracker in bed? Maybe, he somehow sensed that about him, and that’s why he was so eager to find out.

In the short time he’s known Garth, he wouldn’t say he’s had many dirty thoughts about him. He didn’t have many thoughts about anyone these days, not since Cas…Dean quickly ends that train of thought there. The nightmares are enough. 

The thing with Garth just kind of happened, between the goodbye hugs, and the comments about how good he smells, the little smiles he keeps sending Dean’s way, he figured why the hell not?

He wasn’t disappointed with his choice either. Garth was surprisingly strong and confident, which are all things Dean likes in his partners. He just wouldn’t usually go for someone he sees so often–makes things awkward.

“I remember,” He gives a quiet laugh before clearing his throat awkwardly, looking from Garth’s bare chest to the sheets. “Look, Garth, I–uh–I’m not really looking for a relationship or anything,” He begins, and it feels so overused and rehearsed. 

He hates having this talk, which is why he usually sticks to waitresses or women, and the occasional man that he won’t ever see again. He doesn’t want to shoot Garth down, but after Cas–he just thought things would be different by now. He thought they would be different now, but that hope died when he pulled Cas’s soaking trench coat out of the water.

He doesn’t know what he kind of response he expects, but it’s definitely not for him to throw his head back with a loud laugh. “Oh, Dean, I should’ve known you’d be this funny the morning after. Look at you, trying to give me the it’s not you, it’s me talk. We’re fine, buddy. Just two guys looking for a night of fun,” He shakes his head and gives Dean’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Dean feels his entire body sag in relief, and now that, that awkwardness is out of the way, he feels his body react to Garth’s close proximity, the memory of the night before has him ready to go all over again. 

Resting a hand on the hunter’s naked hip, he leans in until their noses brush, “In that case, round two?” He asks, his voice practically a quiet purr.

“Round two,” Garth agrees before pulling him in for a heated kiss.

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

“I don’t know. I guess that was the first time I did something like that without feeling guilty after. I didn’t really even think about the fact that he was a dude that time,” Dean recounts, picking at a stray thread on his jeans.

He’s forty-one and the world is still turning. Chuck is gone, Jack and Eileen are back, Cas is human, Sam is okay, and everything should be fine. But it turns out that peace on earth doesn’t erase decades worth of repression and trauma.

It took storming out of a few therapist’s office before he found the right one. Dr. Williams, or Charlotte, is pretty nice, so far. She listens to all his stories that would sound absolutely insane to an outsider, and hardly bats an eye. 

Usually, they talk about Hell or Michael, but somehow the subject shifted to his history with men today, starting with him telling her about the ring he got Cas for Christmas. The one he almost didn’t give him–the ring that isn’t an engagement ring despite the looks Sam keeps giving him, but hopefully isn’t just a friendship ring either.

“And how do you feel now? With Castiel? Do you still feel ashamed of your feelings or sexuality?” She asks calmly as she looks up at him over her notebook.

Dean grimaces at that word–sexuality. He’s had so many years to accept the fact that he isn’t straight, that he likes men too, that he more than likes a particular man specifically. 

Still, he can’t get himself to say the actual word, not even in his own head. His old man has been dead for thirteen years, and it still feels like he’s looming over his shoulder whenever he even considers it. 

Sometimes, he wishes he told him when he accidentally wished him back into existence, but he’s glad he didn’t. Of all the people who deserve to hear it first, it’s not his dad. The fact that he even thinks that, tells him these sessions are doing something.

“Sometimes…yeah,” Dean mutters and nervously licks his lower lip, “I know my family won’t care. Hell, they probably already know, but I don’t know. I just can’t shake it, I guess.”

“You don’t have to come out,” Charlotte tells him, and her voice isn’t too gentle like some of the other Therapist’s were, but it’s not too matter-of-fact either, which is why he likes her so much. 

“Not with an official statement, at least. You should do what you’re comfortable with. Like, next time you watch Star Wars, instead of keeping all those thoughts about Harrison Ford to yourself, say them aloud.”

Dean merely raises a brow in response, he’s pretty sure nobody wants to hear what he has to say about Harrison Ford. He’s come up with way too many jerking off fantasies to that guy. Most of his thoughts are something along the lines of, “I’d sell my soul to fuck Harrison Ford.”

Charlotte seems to catch on quick and lets out an amused snort, “The safe for work version.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure there is a safe for work version,” Dean points out and waggles his brows suggestively before dropping the act and sagging a little in his seat, his face going blank in thought.

“I know that uh–that being bisexual is okay,” He stammers out and rubs the back of his neck as it prickles with nerves, “Which is what I am, I mean, bisexual. I’m just trying to believe that it is.” 

It’s the first time he actually said it, and it wasn’t nearly as terrifying as he thought it would be. He still feels sick with anxiety, and like he wants to drink an entire bottle of whiskey when he gets home, but the fact that he did it at all lifts a huge weight from his shoulders.

Charlotte gives him an impressed nod and jots down a few notes, “Well, that’s a good start.”

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

After his session, he comes home and gives some flimsy excuse about his whereabouts before pouring himself a drink. Cas isn’t in the kitchen or his room, but it doesn’t take Dean long to track him down. 

The new human spends a lot of time in the same spot these days. Shrugging on a coat, he brings his glass outside and walks to the little area Cas so carefully turned into his garden.

Dean doesn’t announce his presence, just watches from a safe distance as Cas mutters quietly to his plants. The sun occasionally glints off the silver ring on his middle finger, and it brings a fond smile to his lips. 

After everything they’ve been through, after losing him so many times, Dean can’t believe he’s really here. It’s not perfect, Cas is struggling with his new humanity, and the distance between them hasn’t been fixed, but it’s still good.

And Dean loves him.

“I’m in love with Cas,” He mentally tells himself, another thing that he’s known for ages but has been too damn scared to actually put into words. It’s just as nerve-wracking as his confession to Charlotte earlier, but it still brings him peace.

He doesn’t know when he’ll tell Cas, or if he ever will, but right now he’s okay just telling himself. He’s okay just standing here and watching him garden. It’s more than he thought he’d ever have.

[kaypeace21]

Will Byers being gay, in love , and jealous (a saga)

S3 was a train wreck for many plot,character development/dynamic related reasons- so my gay delusional ass, is pointing out the silver-linning in how obvious Will’s queer coding and feelings for Mike were. Because him being in love with Mike is pretty much cannon. Is my dumb ass going to be queer baited till the very end?  Probably XD

So lets go in chronological order.

1) At the mall, when Lucas makes fun of Mike’s relationship with El, Will laughs and says what Lucas said was “funny”. And on the hill he complains about mileven saying “It’s been like this all summer... it’s gross!” Like it’s pretty obvious- he’s jealous. And of course after he says this he is the one to linger and sadly watch the two love birds walk away, the longest.

2) Will’s reaction to Mike being dumped. He may want what’s best for Mike, and would never sabotage his relationship with El. But his reaction, to El dumping Mike says it all.  He tries to hide it- but HE SMILES!

3) At d &d They were talking down to him during the game so he was already on edge... sad/angry at them. Then Mike jumps up from the game, picks up the phone and yells “El?” Will literally rolls his eyes at this. 

After this Mike tries to cut the game short and makes up an ending, high five-ing Lucas, so he and Lucas can call and make up with the girls. Will is upset with his friends, as he takes off his wizard costume and says “fine, you win!” So Mike tries to backtrack and say they’ll finish the game first. And it’s pretty obvious it more than just “the game” itself,  that’s upsetting him .

Like he yells very loudly, and he’s about to cry. He even pushes Lucas and yells “Move!” He’s not handling his feelings in a healthy way- there’s a reason he said “he’ll never fall in love”. If he admits his feelings, even to himself, it’s just going to hurt him more. He makes it clear how he feels about their relationship though. 

And he even insults El calling her a “stupid-girl” (for no actual reason, I really wanted Willel and got the opposite :( ... like it’s crystal clear, that he’s just venting and jealous. Just like how Robin said she hated Steve and his “stupid-hair” because the girl she liked , liked him- and of course a lot of that redirected hate isn’t mere jealousy, but projected internalized homophobia. I don’t think a straight person could ever really understand how much hate queer people initially have for themselves when initially figuring things out- so his redirected anger is more than simple jealousy, but just hate for himself. He even looks at a picture of Mike after this and says “so stupid”, he doesn’t actually think El is stupid - he thinks he’s stupid for thinking he ever had a chance. He calls himself stupid 4 times at castle Byers before destroying it.

4) Will getting angry that Mike seems more concerned about romance, instead of the supernatural threat. And pretty much rubbing in the fact he was dumped XD

Mike says “ they’re conspiring against me”. Will literally flips his head over and yells “that’s what your concerned about right now?” Mike says it a “subconcern”. And Will just yells back “I thought it was already over!”

*also I have to mention Lucas (in the background) watching intently and eating Cheetos, as the Will and Mike relationship drama unfolds, is kind of hilarious*

When mike responds “it’s not over ,it’s just a break.” Will angrily argues otherwise.

Saying “She said she dumped your ass. That doesn’t sound like a break”. Like wow, Will really rubbing salt in that wound. XD

 And he does it again, in a more light hearted way,  not much later...

5) Low key flirts/makes fun of how Mike is now single... *arm nudge* “welcome to my world”

Like he’s smirking- the whole time, Will likes to ‘drag’ his friends, especially Mike. ( ex) “Is it? Is it early, Michael?”. And it’s kind of hilarious. 

6) Will  clearly being jealous/sad in the background of scenes & his reaction to Mike’s love confession.

Call me delusional , I’ll probably look like a clown later, but I still think Will is going to ‘win’ in the end- especially with how poorly they handled mileven,  this season. If s4 is the last season, they’ll probably canonically adress Will’s feelings. 

Gif credit: 1st gif by gayfleet  2nd and 3rd gif by ampwn98, 4th gif by strangerthingscast, 7th and 8th gifs hyerokyu, the rest by me

[argylemikewheeler]

SO a lovely anon’s been asking for a screampost about season 2 byeler aaaaand guess who figured out what their screampost is gonna be about??? It’s ME, and it’s the freaking SHED SCENE. But I’m going to yell about it from the POV of an english major who’s writing an honors thesis and thinks they know shit about writing. OKAY LET’S GO:

SO. The main beef I have with the shed scene is: what the fuck was it for? Why was it so long and emotional and well done, if it was just to show the humanity of Will could be engaged/wants to get to showing he knows Morse code. Like, we see three stories told to him before we get him tapping out “HERE”. Why have those three? Why have everyone in the room? I understand the montage after with the music and the different stories is to keep the Mindflayer distracted and Will engaged. Makes sense!!! But that first part. That FIRST PART.

It’s extremely weird to think that it was just meant to be casual. Like. Of course I have time for character/dialogue analysis but first– as a writer (and this is just ME of course, I’m not an authority at ALL) I know that kind of scene. It’s where all the plot kind of lifts for a bit and you have this free spaces to create this MOMENT. It’s just for Will, it’s just shameless background– and it’s the most important moments of Will too.

It’s his Mom, his brother, and his best friend– who, no matter how you look at Mike, he’s been there the entire time. Mike’s plot started out being Minus One Eleven Plus One Broken Heart and became I’m Worried About Will and I’m Going To Make Sure I’m There For Him. I Said Crazy Together, Dammit. And that makes him logistically even with Will’s own mother and his brother speaking to him.

So the writers choose to have this moment for Will. It’s their chance to let these actors work their chops, get some background, let us feel SUPER invested in Will making it out Alive and Human, and also learn something about these relationships– before Will became Zombie Boy. Before the Upside Down. They know this is the moment to really just Go Off and Create. I mean, they have the open space! They can say whatever they want and make it canon! It’s a blank canvas of a scene that’s just WAITING to make us cry. And they tell three stories: Rainbow Ship with Joyce, Castle Byers with Jonathan, and Becoming Friend with Mike.

I’m looking at this like I was sitting in the writer’s room and I was thinking about what I would want to do and have each character say– and I acknowledge I do not write for a multi-million dollar netflix series and that shit is not easy. but WITH THAT SAID. I still, you guessed it, HAVE some THOUGHTS.

Jonathan’s story makes the most sense– very like Point-A to Point-B to me. It’s not a cheap shot or anything, but that story makes sense to tell. It’s something that 1. explains how Castle Byers came to be 2. gave us some timeline stuff 3. showed us how Jonathan dealt with the separation and 4. how close he and Will truly are, because most of the time Jonathan is just trying to save Will; they don’t really hang out, ya know? It’s a great story and writing wise it does a WHOLE BUNCH.

But it also does this really weird fifth thing of showing us that this is the first story that Jonathan thought to tell when faced with trying to reach Will. It’s the most emotionally rooted– I mean? That’s his brother! That was their father! And NOW, Will’s got a safe space! One that they made together. That’s so beautiful and human and definitely able to cut through The Mindflayer. Jonathan’s first story, and actually all of his stories, are rooted in things he did to get Will out of the abusive environment his father was creating. Jonathan’s first instinct and memory to bring Will back is: I know what you’ve been through and I know that you were scared, but you survived that. And you’re going to get back to us and survive this. Great writing, right? Good shit.

Then we get to Joyce and the Rainbow Ship! She tells this story of feeling SO proud of her son for creating something all his own. I’m not going to say anything about the, uh, rainbow thing, but we all know it’s there. They decided that not only was this ship just Different, it was Rainbow too. Crazy. But, the main point here is that the first story she chooses to tell Will to bring him back is probably one he doesn’t even think about often– which is a really great story for a Mom to have, when you think about it. What kid remembers what drawings they did– especially if they were embarrassed about it.

Well, Joyce comes through trying to pick at such a small and minute memory that only her Will would know. It’s the moment she, in a way, really started to see her son for what he is: creative and unrestrained by convention, bubbly and inventive, and just this happy joyous kid. This was probably one of those moments that she sat at the table alone, looking at the picture and hearing her son scribbling in the other room, and thinking oh i really have someone special here. oh i have to protect him.

For writing, Joyce’s moment was very detailed, completely new for the audience– but added a lot about Will’s childhood. The happy one that we know gets turned around down the line (before it goes Upside Down). Joyce misses her son and this story is a way for us to see that aching side of her and just CRY with her. It’s easy (not cheap though of course) tears and it’s incredible.

And then. And then the writers have Mike come into the mix. Like, we get the shot of Joyce and Jonathan together, wetly laughing at Will being “so bad at hammering” and the shot of Will’s hand trembling. And as a writer, I know, we’re there. We’re almost there. We set it up– Three’s a magic number. Send him over the edge let Will finally reach reality again AND–

It’s. It’s fucking Mike Wheeler. Bringing up the first day they met. Letting us in on the backstory we have NO primer to. Like, Byers Family Drama is semi-known; we know that there Is history there and it’s being given to us slowly. But how Mike and Will met? We have NO IDEA– we’ve just seen this boy calling when he’s out sick, being concerned when he’s quiet, assuring him he’ll keep him safe, “crazy together”, helping him explain his Bad Vibes with Dart without speaking over him, and just constantly thinking about Will’s well being while they’re fighting a literal monster.

So now, the writers have shown us this pure dedication and loyalty and go: they’ve known each other since they were FIVE. They make the decision in this moment that they want to tell us that Mike is literally Will’s longest and best friend. Nearly as long as this boy has been able to form memories he has known Michael Wheeler. That’s the move. That’s the info we get and that is chosen to be given. Mike’s friendship is turned into a center of Will’s formative years by simply implying that this story needs to be told to both Will and the audience. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL.

This story also, from a writing perspective, says a lot about Mike! They chose to have Mike remember the first day they met– not when the party all met or anything like that. No. Just the two of them. The writers don’t cop out on this moment at ALL. Like they take FULL advantage of this free moment and build such an intimate and short memory between characters you’re just supposed to Understand are friends. Like, the backstory isn’t always important sometimes– but right here, they tell us it is.

They tell us that Mike being alone and scared is something that stuck with him, it’s something he’s afraid of having happen again if he loses Will. They tell us that Will was a loner all the way back then too, but he doesn’t seem to mind being one (or being different). And then, mixed in with this backstory that shows both Mike and Will really haven’t changed they throw in that… uh….

Asking Will to be his friend is the best thing Mike has ever done. They wrote that sentence without any jokes, no laughs, no weak smile– Finn says that line and it’s dead. fucking. serious. The moment that speech was written into that scene, that entire relationship’s gravity changed.

And writers have to know that. They HAVE TO. Because of how close Will and Mike were the entire episode, there’s no way that this was a Red Herring– something just to throw us off the scent of… Will breaking through, I guess? Because he literally taps the chair in the next minute. It’s not a decoy scene or, as expected honestly, played for laughs. It’s a completely serious moment of an eighth grade boy, that has been emotional and angry and lashing out all season, stand in front of his friend and just CRY.

And what’s worse. Mike seems to only cry when El is involved (at the end of s1 and when Hopper tells him he was hiding her). And THAT’S a parallel, of course, but not only that, but the writers chose to show Mike having non-romantic emotional range. Which is GREAT, but dude this scene is SO… Tender??? Seeing a young boy cry at the feet of his best friend that he thinks he’s losing? And recounting the FIRST MOMENT THEY MET because that’s the BEST FIRST MEMORY? Like, literally just becoming Will’s friend is the best one because it allowed him to have every other memory? Dude that’s so profound. That’s so incredible to think of and to write.

And for no one in that room full of straight white dudes to say: Uh…. maybe that’ll seem gay in the 80s is CRAP. Sorry, not to be that piece of shit, but I know that they thought about it. So for them to still keep the speech in– even with their DUDE THAT’S GAY Monkey Brains going off– says something to me, as a writer. And not in a “they wanted to be progressive” kind of way.

They wrote a beautifully tender moment between Mike and Will, in a scene that could have been anything they wanted, with only Will’s family present. That scene was a creative writers dream! A free-for-all! A moment to just fucking make shit up and go crazy!!! and they decided to go with That…. BRO, ngl I’m kinda emo about it STILL….

Okay. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but as someone who’s writing a longer piece that has many character relationships to juggle and show the reader piece by piece, this moment of OH we can give Will some Memories and Audience Some Background is very clear to me– and I don’t mean that like, it’s cheaply done or it’s obvious in a bad way. I just know the vibe: when you get to sit and ask yourself WHAT do I want to say about my character here. It doesn’t have to be related to ANYTHING ELSE that’s happening. I get the reins back. What. Do. I. Want. To. Say.

And they chose. To Say THAT.

I’m not going to scream about season 3 because I think st3 needs st4 to make sense all the way. Like, I think it’s a set up for the Big Finale, so I won’t say they “didn’t follow through with ANY OF IT” because maybe they will. But let’s just say, if they do not. Please print this out and send it to the Duffer Brothers.

Alright. Word, thanks for reading this ridiculous rant

[thegayagenda-forkids]

T.J. Goodman and Cyrus Kippen

AO3 Link

Sequel

“I have no idea if this is the cutest or the dorkiest couple outfit you two could have come up with,” Buffy said, adjusting her red and gold tie.

“Says Hermione Granger,” Cyrus retorted, gelling up his hair, frowning as he tried to get it to look *just* right. “You got the flashcards, right?”

“I did,” Buffy said cautiously. “And I think T.J. is going to flip when he sees all of this effort you put in.”

“Of course he put in all this effort,” Andi said, straightening out her bow tie. “Besides, I think I win at the nerdiest outfit.”

Both of her friends groaned. “It doesn’t count if you’re going as an actual nerd!” Cyrus said. “And I still can’t believe I lent you my old glasses for this.”

“You don’t even use them anymore because the prescription is out of date,” she argued back. “Besides, look who’s talking about borrowing clothing items.”

“This is different,” he said as a matter of fact.

“Why is it different?”

“Because...this is the only way to sell it...Besides, my outfit belongs to Buffy.”

“And you can keep it. That is from two basketball teams ago,” she said. Finally Cyrus smiled when he got the hair right and pulled on a zip-up hoodie, leaving it open so that the Jefferson Middle School Basketball jersey underneath was visible.

“Well? Ladies?”

“Whoa…you’re selling it,” Andi said.

“Yup. You look like him.”

Cyrus looked in the mirror and smirked. “I’m no longer Cyrus Goodman. Until Midnight tonight, call me T.J. Kippen.”

______________

Soon there were knocks at the Goodman’s front door. It was the GHC’s dates for the night, and Jonah, all in costume ready to see their other halves. Jonah wore a Shazam costume since everyone said that the actor who played Billy Batson looked like him. He wasn’t really into costumes all that much but they all begged him to the point he felt like a total jerk if he didn’t wear it.

Marty was dressed up like Ron Weasley, so even though he also wore a Gryffindor robe and tie, he swapped out the usual sweater for a burgundy one with a big gold “R” on the font and even found a twig, snapped it, then wrapped an ungodly amount of tape around it. He knew Buffy would commit and stole some of her dad’s old law books to carry around.

Amber wore her cheerleading uniform, but kept her hair down and curled, only putting up a small section into her giant hair bow. Her sneakers were shining white. Her couple outfit with Andi would be the nerd and the cheerleader, but with a gay twist. Instead of fighting for some boy like Taylor Swift’s “You belong with me” video, they were dating each other.

But T.J.’s won out of those guys, and he was excited to see Cyrus’s interpretation. He was dressed up in a patterned button down, had a messenger bag, and even slicked his hair down some. Just in case, he had the old Bar Mitzvah sweatshirt tucked in the bag just in case people didn’t realize what he was doing.

Cyrus’s mom opened the door and T.J. immediately put on his cheesiest smile and went “Hello, hello, hello!”

Mrs. Goodman couldn’t help but start laughing. “Oh my god, I’m not sure if this means you two hang out too much or you two are perfect for each other.”

“Both.” Marty and Amber said together.

“Hey, don’t hate,” he said back to them. “So...where is the wonderful, amazing, puppy-dog of a human being T.J. Kippen?” He joked.

“All three of them are upstairs,” she said. “And I want pictures of you all before you leave for the party!”

They were all headed upstairs and knocked on the bedroom door. Cyrus, dressed as T.J. was the one who opened the door and both boys almost lost composure immediately. They tried not to let it show, but they quickly took a breath and looked looked at each other. “Cyrus, My man,” Cyrus deepened his voice as much as he physically could. “You look Niceberg.”

T.J. had to bite his tongue for a second so that he didn’t laugh and he started talking, getting more and more excited and speaking faster as he did. “Wow Teej, you look absolutely amazing because you are amazing because this is going to be the best Halloween ever and you’re wearing a hoodie that matches your eyes and your jersey which you always look super hot in…”

“Oh my god, what did we sign up for,” Amber groaned and moved past them to go kiss her Nerdy Andi.

“I’m just gonna hang with my totally fly Cy guy,” Cyrus said, pulling a step stool from behind the door and standing on it so he could simulate the reverse of the height difference between the two. Jonah actually broke down laughing at that.

“And I get to be with my super cool, absolutely amazing boyfriend,” T.J. said, looking up at Cyrus. So that’s how it felt for him. T.J. was suddenly very aware of his own height.

“Good god, and I thought we were bad with out-extra-ing each other,” Marty said, putting his arm around Buffy’s shoulders. “Let's get to the party before this they somehow derail everything.”

“How would they even derail it?” Andi asked.

“Sure, act like we aren’t standing in front of you,” T.J. said.

“Do not underestimate my brother’s narcissism,” Amber said. “The sooner we’re out in public, the more guaranteed we are for having the two stay within a PG rating.”

“Hey, just because I can shoot three pointers with ease, or cross the court in seconds flat, doesn’t mean I am so self-absorbed,” Cyrus said, and everyone but Buffy and Andi looked at him in awe.

“What did you say?” Marty asked.

“What? Just tossing out some b-ball lingo. I’m just saying that it doesn’t matter that I truly rock because I can shoot nothing but net from half court, I’m just that amazing of a point guard,” he said. “But I’m an even more amazing boyfriend to my muffin of a man.”

T.J. was staring at him open-mouthed. “H..how?”

Buffy sighed and pulled a twenty dollar bill from her robe pocket. “I regret this so much...you all honestly could not begin to imagine.”

“Now I understand completely,” Marty said. “Come on, we have a party to get to.”

_________________

Everyone piled into the Kippen minivan that Mrs. Kippen allowed them to borrow, with T.J. driving and Cyrus in the passenger seat. “Are you sure you should drive, Underdog?” Cyrus said, back in T.J. mode. “I mean, you did almost fail your driver’s test.”

“I aced the written part and technically passed the driving part by like...a point,” T.J. replied. “I’m sure I’m fine for one night. Besides, your mom thinks I’m a good influence on you.”

“You totally are, you got me to start getting help for math. It was totally Niceburg.”

T.J. hissed under his breath, “I said it that word one time….”

Cyrus smirked at him from the passenger seat.

Marty opened his mouth and Buffy cut him off. “If you say blimey or bloody hell, I’m throwing you out of this car.”

Marty closed his mouth.

“I’m feeling very single right about now,” Jonah said.

“Ironic considering just about everyone attracted to men has had a crush on you,” Buffy said. “Except for me. You were too...swoopy for my type.”

“Swoopy?”

“You know...like Justin Bieber back in the olden days? Swoopy.”

“And now I’m…?”

“Still a little swoopy, but much more human.” Everyone let out noises of agreement.

“Human?” He raised an eyebrow. “Ironic considering I’m dressed like...well…” he swished his Shazam cape.

“Dude, you were above the whole world back in the day,” Cyrus said. “Like some unattainable god! I couldn’t even just say Jonah when I talked to you. I had to say your full name.”

“Wow...so wait...you had a crush on me?” Jonah asked.

“Ladies and gentleman, the most oblivious man on earth,” Marty announced holding his arm out and presenting Jonah. “Raise your hand if you’ve ever been attracted to Jonah Beck.”

Everyone in the car except for Buffy and Marty (and obviously Jonah himself) raised their hands.

“Wait...Andi and Amber I know because I’ve dated both of you on and off...Cyrus...well...yeah I can see that...but...T.J.?”

“Yeah T.J.,” T.J. said. “Why else do you think I was a total dick to you in little league...or just a dick overall?”

“Never doubt the powers of heterocompuslivity and internalized homophobia,” Cyrus said.

“That intense?” Jonah asked and literally everyone except Buffy in the car shouted “YES!”

“Yeah Jo, you and I are the only non-queers in here as far as I can tell.”

“As far as you can tell?”

“Well, I know I’m straight,” she said. “You haven’t said straight or otherwise.”

He paused. “I mean...I’m into girls…”

“Be free to be,” Marty said. “That’s all that matters.”

“Sounds good to me,” he said. “So Buffy is the only confirmed straight, and I just have a question mark dangling.”

“Hey, still unique even among the majority,” she teased.

___________________

The party was being held in some warehouse downtown, and everyone was in costume, some as a couple, most as a standalone costume. Buffy and Marty were just playing around with each other, daring the other to the tabletop games and later, to who could stay in a kiss the longest. People told them to get a room, and those people got the finger.

Amber and Andi spent the whole night dancing and mingling with other people in costume, though sometimes a guy would try to hit on Amber and brought a friend with them to hit on Andi. They always seemed confused when she said that she was in a relationship, and then once or twice, got so annoyed that she pulled Andi in by the bow tie and kissed her deeply.

T.J. and Cyrus meanwhile, continued their shenanigans, pretending to be the other, complimenting both themselves and the other, being all sappy with each other. T.J. even sat down for most of the evening so that Cyrus could stand and keep the height difference.

People loved seeing how in sync the couple were, and even let them choose several songs over the course of the night so the two could dance together. They were even able to reunite almost everyone and do a reprise of “Born this Way,” except this time one of T.J.’s hands was occupied by Cyrus holding it tightly and kissing the back of it. They ended their night with the final chords of the song and kissed each other deeply on stage while everyone cheered. Buffy and Marty also kissed next to Andi and Amber who kissed as well. Jonah jokingly hugged himself tightly and jumped up and down.

_____________

They were all pretty much exhausted by the time they were leaving and thankful that the Macks agreed to host the group sleepover, with the rule being that they all had to sleep in sleeping bags in the living room to police each other.

T.J. and Cyrus were the last ones awake and they were cuddling, leaning against the couch, using their sleeping bags as blankets as they watched some Disney movies on mute with subtitles on as to not wake up the others.

“Hey,” T.J. said softly, his arms around Cyrus, who was using him as a pillow. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah,” he said sleepily, smiling up at T.J. “I love you too.” They leaned in and kissed each other softly. “I love you Mr. Goodman,” Cyrus teased.

“And I love you Mr. Kippen,” T.J. teased back, his fingers dancing playfully over Cyrus’s palm. “You know...I actually kinda like the sound of that. Mr. Goodman…”

“I was about to say the opposite,” Cyrus said back, his eyes close to closing. “I prefer the sound of Mr. Kippen.”

“How about a compromise then,” T.J. said, starting to get tired as well, but wanting to stay awake for as long as Cyrus was. “Mr. Goodman-Kippen.”

“Mr. Goodman-Kippen,” Cyrus yawned that last part. “I really like that...I can’t wait…”

T.J. watched him fall asleep, breathing evenly against his chest and turned off the T.V., adjusting the two of them so that they were lying down and making sure that Cyrus didn’t wake up. T.J. thought about his plans of surprising the group with a trip to Disney World for their senior year graduation trip, and then presenting Cyrus with a very special small box with a special and important gift inside. He smiled at the thought and laced his fingers with Cyrus’s. “Yeah...can’t wait either…”

Tag list: @theobligatedklutz @anarcoqueer1994 @honey-aes @luzawithoutu @tyrus-and-the-swings @losrgeekwhatevr

[brandossss]

( tommy martinez , 24 , cismale ) i  just  bumped  into  brando  esparza  the  other  day  while  walking  down  east  kingsboro , where  he  lives . i  hear  they  can  be  brave  and  impatient , but  when  i  think  of  them  i  immediately  think  of  ( venezuelan  pride , curly  hair , going  to  the  gym  literally  everyday ) 

tw : communism , corruption , poverty , violence , death  ( suicide )

full  name : brando  nicolas  estefano  esparza

nicknames : just  brando , if  he  really  fucks  with  you  you  can  get  away  with  teasingly  calling  him  brandy , but  not  even  lolol

gender : cismale

height :  6 ′ 2

age : 24

birthday : august  4 , 1996

zodiac : leo  ( aries  moon , capricorn  ascendant )

right  handed  or  left  handed : ambidextrous , but  basically  right  handed 

eye  color : light  brown

hair  color : dark  brown

piercings  &  tattoos : no  piercings , this  tattoo  of  venezuela  right  here , but  on  his  left  wrist 

languages  spoken : spanish ( native  tongue ) and  english

sexuality : pansexual / panromantic

place  of  birth : maracay , venezuela

last  3  songs  listened  to : llueve  sobre  la  ciudad  by  los  bunkers , yo  te  esperare  by  cali  y  el  dandee , soñe  ( unplugged )  by  zoé

so  brando  was  born  to  yessenia  olivares  and  bruno  esparza  in  maracay , venezuela . originally , he  wasn’t  supposed  to  be  named  brando . a  fun  fact  &  random  little  headcanon  is  that  his  mother  &  father  had  the  full  intention  of  naming  him  brandon , after  his  grandfather  ( or  father’s  father ) , who  passed  a  week  before  he  was  born . being  both  parents’  first  born , his  father  got  super  nervous  during  his  mother’s  labor  &  basically ? got  really  wasted  because  he  was  practically  crapping  his  pants  about  his  son  being  born . when  he  went  to  sign  his  birth  certificate , he  was  so  drunk , he  literally  forgot  to  write  the  ‘ n ’  in  brandon . once  they  realized  the  mistake  his  father  had  made , they  didn’t  want  to  go  through  the  annoyance  of  changing  his  name , so , they  went  with  brando , and  surprisingly ? it  really  stuck  &  everyone  loved  it  more  than  brandon  kdjvcndfkcmn

he  was  an  average  kid  tbh . his  family  was  middle  class  &  even  though  his  country  had  been  struggling  ( for  the  lack  of  a  better  word )  for  years  now , he  didn’t  fully  feel  the  economic  fall  at  first , of  course . now  fast  forward  a  few  years  &  shit  is  changing  right  before  his  eyes , and  he’s  really ? just  a  kid

pretty  much  communism  coming  to  it’s  finest  point  tbh . all  these  restaurants , stores , businesses , all  these  places  brando  used  to  go  to  when  he  was  younger ? done  with , or  just  government  owned  &  a  blink  away  from  breaking  completely . it’s  actually  really  sad  because  he’s  literally  watching  it  all  happen , watching  his  country  go  down  the  drain  &  there’s  really  nothing  he  can  do  to  stop  it

his  father  becomes  an  active  protester , along  with  many  other  angry  venezuelans , but  this  does  more  bad  than  good . eventually  his  father  gets  arrested  at  a  protest  when  brando  is  11  years  old . that  was  over  a  decade  ago  &  up  to  this  very  day , present  time , brando  has  no  idea  where  his  father  is , if  he’s  well , or  if  he’s  even  alive  tbh  ( talk  about  trauma ? ) . it’s  like  one  day  he’s  coming  home , giving  his  only  son  a  hug , &  the  next  day , he  completely  vanished  from  planet  earth , as  if  he’s  some  high  profile  serial  killer  when  really , he  was  just  protesting  the  shit  communist  government  they’re  living  in 

it’s  just  brando  &  his  mom  from  that  point  on . of  course , things  just  get  worse  with  time . i’m  not  gonna  get  into  details  but  basic  poverty  &  communism  tbh . they’re  hungry , they’re  broke , the  country  is  just  getting  worse  &  worse  with  each  passing  moment  ( hyper  inflation , food  scarcity , severe  corruption , government  abuse , do  i  even  need  to  go  on ? ) . all  these  things  anger  brando  to  no  extent  &  he  finds  himself  releasing  his  anger  with  his  fists . it’s  getting  into  random  fights  for  no  reason  &  screaming  at  anyone  who  even  looks  at  him  weirdly , pretty  much  becoming  an  angry  ass  kid 

TW : SUICIDE , READ  WITH  CAUTION !! things  are  bad  but  they  really  hit  rock  bottom  when  his  mother , surprisingly , commits  suicide . brando  finds  her  foaming  at  the  mouth , a  clear  overdose , but  by  the  time  they  make  it  to  the  hospital , she’s  pronounced  dead . literally  a  15  year  old  boy , alone , in  venezuela .... honestly  terrifying . brando  literally  doesn’t   know  where  to  go ? on  top  of  the  trauma  he’s  holding  he’s  worried  about  his  living  arrangements  as  well . luckily , a  friend  of  his  allows  him  to  stay  at  his  house  a  few  nights  but  this  is  just  temporary

he  just  really  wants  to  leave  his  country  but  he  feels  completely  stuck . he’s  depressed  &  angry  as  fuck  but  he’s  determined  to  get  out  somehow . brando  eventually  contacts  a  family  friend  on  facebook  ( aka  claudia’s  mom ? ) &  tells  them  his  situation . it  seems  to  touch  this  woman’s  heart  so  much , she , wait  for  it , brings  him  over  to  the  states . he  spends  his  16th  birthday  in  america , with  claudia  &  her  family . the  year  is  2012 

very  slowly , but  things  begin  getting  better  for  him . he’s  enrolled  into  school  &  pretty  much  gets  guided  through  everything  thanks  to  claudia . they  are  not  blood  related , but  their  families  were  so  close  at  one  point  that  they’re  pretty  much ? cousins  tbh ! literally  not  blood  related  but  still  family

with  his  dedication  &  ambition  he  pretty  much  catches  on  completely  in  less  than  3  years  ( learning  english  of  course ) , he  loses  his  accent  completely  after  4 . he  goes  through  a  whole  adoption  thing  with  claudia’s  family  until  he  thankfully  gains  american  residency  thanks  to  them , which  of  course , eventually  leads  him  to  citizenship . instead  of  picking  fights  with  people  for  no  reason , brando  takes  out  his  anger  with  physical  activity , becoming  very  much  involved  in  going  to  the  gym , or  even  just  exercising  by  himself . whether  it’s  leg  day , boxing , whatever  it  is , he  loves  any  type  of  physical  work , since  it  keeps  his  mind  distracted 

this  has  pretty  much  lead  him  to  have  quite  a  #body  tbh . like .... it’s  hella  obvious  he  works  out  kdndjndjvnfd

he  also  developed  a  hobby  for  piano , after  taking  piano  classes  in  high  school , beginning  of  freshman  year . he’s  been  playing  since  he  was  16 , eventually  buying  a  crap  keyboard  when  he  was  17 . he  does  piano  covers  on  youtube , but  again , this  is  really  just  a  hobby  of  his 

DEATH  TW !! after  the  passing  of  claudia’s  parents , her  &  brando  move  to  kingsboro  when  they’re  both  19 ! they  share  an  apartment  with  lemon

on  top  of  that , he’s  a  bartender  @  blue ! he’s  also  a  personal  trainer . literally  lifting  24/7  for  him .... bless

he  enjoys  drinking  on  weekends  &  letting  loose  every  once  in  a  while  but  i  don’t  think  he’s  crazy  about  weed  tbh . he  thinks  the  feeling  is  nice , but  he  hates  how  it  makes  you  hungry . would  never  go  out  of  his  way  to  buy  weed  &  basically  only  smokes  it  if  he’s  offered , preferring  alcohol , but  again , he  mostly  just  exercises  &  eats  right , not  really  having  any  addictions  of  any  kind , just  little  hobbies  every  one  in  a  while

brando  honestly ? considers  himself  lucky , despite  all  the  terrible  things  he’s  been  through . he  feels  lucky  that  he  left  before  things  got  really , really bad , even  though  they  were  already  pretty  awful  tbh . anyone  who  hears  his  story  would  think  he’s  anything  but  fortunate  but  the  truth  of  the  matter  is  that  he’s  one  of  the  lucky  ones . not  every  venezuelan  has  had  the  opportunity  to  leave  &  he  just  feels  very  fortunate  that  he  was  one  of  the  few  that  did 

he’s  not  the  type  to  take  anything  for  granted  tbh , very  much  the  type  of  person  who  appreciates  everything  he  has , no  matter  how  small . you  could  literally  get  him  a  present  from  the  dollar  store  for  christmas  &  he  would  still  be  super  happy  about  it . for  him , it’s  the  thought  &  time  put  into  something  that  counts , not  the  price , or  the  brand 

he  very  much  struggled  with  his  sexuality  for  years . not  because  he  was  in  denial  or  ashamed  or  anything , but  for  the  longest  time , he  kind  of  just  didn’t  know  what  he  was ? sometimes  he  thought  he  was  straight  but  undergoing  a  phase , other  times  he  wondered  if  he  was  gay , then  he  considered  himself  bi  for  a  really  long  time . the  truth  is  that  he  didn’t  fully  understand  his  sexuality  up  until  not  too  long  ago , when  he  began  hanging  with  an  lgbtq+  crowd . eventually , he  realizes  society  basically  labels  him  as  ‘ pansexual ’ , but  he  doesn’t  even  really  like  to  label  himself ? brando  just  falls  in  love  with  the  person , with  their  soul , &  he  doesn’t  care  what  they  have  underneath  tbh 

i  haven’t  fully  figured  him  out  yet  because  he’s  a  new  character  but  i  picture  he  can  be  such  a  stereotypical  leo  sometimes , but , his  whole  #capricorn  ascendant  really  does  take  place  for  him , in  the  sense  that  he  can  be  a  very  difficult  person  to  read  sometimes . like  is  he  happy ? is  he  upset ? is  that  just  his  face ? is  he  planning  something ? you  will  rarely  ever  know  tbh 

he’s  a  very  humble  person , probably  because  of  his  childhood . he  hates  show  offs  tbh , or  very  rich  people  with  no  consideration  for  anyone . literally .... miss  him  with  that  bullshit  lmfao . he  finds  the  entire  snobby  or  ‘ i’m  better  than  you ’ attitudes  to  be  so  unattractive  tbh ? you  could  be  the  hottest  person  on  the  planet  but  if  he  hates  your  attitude  you  really  just  don’t  matter  to  him  lolol

over  all  he’s  a  lot  calmer  than  he  was  before  tbh . he  still  has  his  moments  but  he’s  a  pretty  stable  guy  in  the  sense  that  he  no  longer  wants  to  beat  up  everything  or  anyone  he  see’s . he  still  has  a  ton  of  issues  to  work  on  but  basically  just  doesn’t  wanna  go  to  therapy  &  doesn’t  really  talk  about  his  past  at  all , preferring  to  ‘ live  in  the  present ’  even  though  talking  about  his  issues  &  sharing  his  pretty  shitty  story  would  definitely  help  him  clear  out  his  head  but  🥴 it  honestly  probably  won’t  happen  &  he’ll  probs  just  keep  burying  shit  LMFAOOOO

very  very  hard  working  guy , ambition  like  crazy , always  gives  his  all  in  anything  he  feels  strongly  about , he’s  very  good  at  persuading  people  tbh , usually  gets  told  he’d  make  a  ‘ great  lawyer ’  because  he  just  has  this  way  of  convincing  you  like ? he  would  never  become  a  lawyer  but  the  truth  is  that  he  would  make  a  great  one , persuasion  skills  like  a  MF 

this  is  all  i  can  think  of  now  but  i  did  his  birth  chart  ting  🖤 

[danrifics]

Not The First Time

Some of the times Dan almost asks Phil to marry him and the one time he actually does.

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2019 - Las Vegas

Phil stretches his arm out over the bed, disappointment falls across him when he realises the space where Dan had been sleeping previously was empty. He reaches to the bedside table and grabs his glasses. The blurry room becomes crystal clear, the Vegas hotel room was dark but outside the casino lights presented a gentle glow around the edge of the room. The balcony door was open, a cool breeze blowing through. Phil climbed out of bed and headed for the open door. Dan stood, leaning against the glass railing, looking out over the city.

“Is everything okay?” Phil asked

 Dan turned around sightly to look at Phil, he smiled and stretched out his hand. Phil took it and stepped closer to the railing.

“Do you remember when we came here for my 21st birthday?” Dan asked, ignoring Phil’s question.

“Not really” They both laugh “well… actually I do remember you drunkenly asking me to marry you”

They look at each other for a moment, they remember it well…

2012 - Las Vegas

They’re not sure how they made it back to the hotel room, they’re also not sure how much they’ve had to drink. Dan has the vlogging camera out and he’s filming himself raiding the mini bar. 

“They’ve got Vodka, I need coke though” Dan gets up and almost falls back down but once he’s semi-stable he looks around the room for any sign of a mixer for his drink. He looks into the camera for a moment. “When you can’t find coke you just gotta drink vodka straight” 

“You can’t do anything straight” Phil shouts from behind him.

Dan looks into the camera and then turns to look at Phil.

“Neither can you” Dan says, his voice is a mix of endearment but also a hint of annoyance “gonna have to delete this video now, thanks”

He turns the camera off and puts it down, he then grabs the vodka and drinks it from the bottle. Phil takes it from him and puts it down on the bedside cabinet before he heads out onto the balcony. Dan follows. 

They stand in the middle of the balcony. Dan pulls Phil towards him, resting their foreheads together. They stand like that for a while before Dan finally speaks.

“We should get married” He says, he’s drunk but he’s serious and Phil can tell “we should get married... here... tomorrow”

“We’d have to tell everyone”

“No. we don’t have to tell anyone” Dan says bluntly.

“Dan… we can’t get married and not tell anyone” Phil says.

He wants nothing more than to say yes, he wants to marry Dan, more than anything, they’re… soulmates… Phil has never met anyone like Dan, his smart. Beautiful. Honest. Dan, he knows at this moment in time they can’t get married. Dan still doesn’t want people to know he’s gay, he’s not ready for his family to know and he’s not ready for the world to know. If they got married it would be public, Phil’s never cared about who knows about his sexuality but for Dan’s sake he’s always kept it hidden.

Dan moves away from Phil and leans against the balcony railing. He looks out over the city. Phil sighs and moves to stand next to Dan. Dan turns slightly so he has his back to Phil.

“Dan look at me, please” Phil puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder but is met with a shrug “I love you but you’re not ready for this y-”

“I am ready. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole life. And look I know it’s technically a civil partnership but we can do it now and then when they legalise same sex marriage we can have a proper wedding with all our family and friends.” 

Phil pulls Dan in close to him, he places a gentle kiss to his lips and leans their foreheads back together. Dan sighs, he knows they can’t get married yet and maybe he is just too drunk to think and in the morning he’ll realise how dumb all of this is. He loves Phil and Phil loves him, they don’t need to be married to show that.

2019 - Las Vegas

“It wasn’t the only time that I've thought about it” Dan says, he smiles. “Y’know marrying you.”

He takes Phil’s hand. Phil wonders if he’s going to ask him now, just how he had all those years ago, on a balcony just like this. They’re ready now. If Dan asks, he knows what he’ll say.

“I wanted to ask you in 2014, after they legalised same-sex marriage in the UK, but i didnt” Dan looks down at the ground “and then i almost asked you in 2015 when we went to Japan and last year during the tour”

There’s a sad look in Dan’s eyes. The thought of all his failed attempts and harsh words in his head telling him he shouldn’t weighed him down. There were so many times he could have asked...

2014 - London

Dan sits in the usual place on the sofa, his laptop on his lap, a cup of coffee on the arm rest. Phil’s in his bedroom (well his bedroom set) filming a video. Dan’s not sure what it’s about but he knows when it comes to editing Phil will make him watch it and give opinions. Dan’s scrolling through tumblr when he sees it:

GUYS!!! The UK just legalised same-sex marriage!!

Congrats to all the gays in the uk who can get married now!

Gay Marriage has become legal in the UK glad to see more countries getting with the times!

Dan immediately turns on the TV to BBC News, there’s a reporter talking about how historic this is for the country.

“Phil come here!” Dan shouts

“I’m trying to film, Dan!” He shouts back

“I don’t care! Come here!” Dan’s attention is still on the TV

Phil comes into the room, Dan doesn’t look at him. He just points towards the TV. Phil doesn’t say a word, he just sits down next to Dan, a huge smile on his face. The reporter is talking to a couple now, they’re saying how they were getting married in a few weeks and it was likely they would be the first gay couple to get married, not a civil partnership but actually married! They were going to have the same rights as a straight couple. Dan looks over at Phil finally, his eyes are glued to the TV. 

Dan wants to get up right now, and ask Phil the question, he’s been thinking about it for a while now, but knowing they could actually get married in a legal sense, he wants that. He can’t do it now though. He wants to do it properly, he wants to ask Kath and Nigel for their permission, he needs to get a ring, he�� he needs to come out. He needs to come to terms with being… gay. It’s a word that he hates, he hates describing himself as that, he doesn’t want to be that and asking Phil to marry him… That’s pretty gay… so he pushes the thought of marriage out of his mind, again. He hates that he feels this way. He loves Phil and he doesn’t understand why his brain says it’s okay to be with Phil but it’s not okay to say he’s gay? He tells himself it’s different, Phil is his best friend, but it’s more than that. He doesn’t even think the term ‘romantically involved’ fits what he and Phil are. They’re Dan and Phil, soulmates, companions, partners for life. What he and Phil have, it’s special, it’s real, it’s just them. They don’t need to be married to be committed to each other, and they don’t need to world to know what they are either.

He tells himself they don’t need to get married over and over again, that he doesn’t want that… he’s lying.

2015 - Tokyo

Yesterday was all about filming their day in the life video but today Dan had other plans. Phil was in the shower and Dan was looking through his own suitcase, he pulls out a roll of socks and unravels them to reveal a box, he looks over his shoulder to make sure he’s alone and then opens the box up. He looks at the ring inside. He’d bought it a few weeks ago in London, hid it in so many different places and then somehow managed to get it to another country without Phil finding it. Dan had told Phil they were going to a park called Koishikawa Korakuen so he could take photos. It was a  beautiful place and the perfect place to propose, he’d seen all these pictures of the beautiful gardens on instagram and he knew that this was the place, Japan was such a special place for the both of them and he knew how perfect it would be if they were to get engaged here. The shower turns off and Dan shoves the box into his jacket pocket. He thinks he’s ready this time.

*

The park is beautiful and Dan now has to decide where he wants to actually do the proposal, he’s not even sure what he wants to say yet. They walk around for an hour just taking photos and talking and then Dan sees the perfect spot, it’s a small stone path surrounded by trees and a pond. Dan takes a deep breath.

“Lets go over here” Dan says already walking ahead of Phil.

Phil follows until they stop in the middle of the path, they’re facing each other. Dan looks into Phil’s eyes, he loves Phil’s eyes, they’re a  beautiful shade of Blue mixed with green and yellow, the best eyes i’ve ever seen.

“Phil I-” 

“Oh my God!” A voice squeals from behind them “Dan and Phil!?”

Dan turns around, he wants to be annoyed but the voice belongs to a young fan who obviously has no idea she’s ruining a big moment. She looks around 15, from her accent he assumes she’s American.

“It’s really you, oh my God, I watch all your videos like all the time, i love you guys!” 

Phil steps forward, he has a huge smile. Dan’s confused for a moment and then remembers Phil has no idea a moment was ruined either. Phil starts talking to the girl. Dan puts his hand in his pocket and holds the ring box. This is a sign, he knows it. It’s another thing getting in the way of his happiness. He should be used to it by now, but it really fucking hurts. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to do this. He should just return the ring and forget this ever happened before…Phil’s voice snaps him away from his thoughts

“Dan, you have the longest arm you take the selfie” He says.

Dan smiles and takes the girls phone, he hopes he doesn’t look like he’s faking it. He’s not in the mood to read comments pointing out his face when the girl inevitably posts the photo all over social media.

Dan knows there’s still time this trip to propose, but now all he can think of is how if that fan had come a few moments later she would have seen the proposal and then it would be everywhere, he realises once again that he’s not ready for the world to know. He’s having a panic attack now but Phil is still talking to the fan. 

“Phil?” Dan asks catching Phil’s attention “Remember we’re meeting some friends in 20 minutes”

It’s a lie, but he can’t stand here any longer, he doesn’t want the fan to think he’s an asshole so lying is easier than just leaving. Phil understands what Dan means, whenever either of them think they’re having some kind of anxiety attack in public they always use the same excuse, like a code.

“Oh, you’re busy, of course. I’m sorry for bothering you” The girl is too cheerful, thankfully she doesn’t realise they’re trying to get rid of her.

*

Dan returns the ring a few days after they get home. The lady in the store asks why. He could lie and say it didn’t fit but he doesn’t.

“It wasn’t the right time” He sighs “not sure it ever will be.”

The lady gives him a sad look and that she’s sorry that it didn’t work out. 

Dan cries in the Taxi back to their apartment, He’s sorry too.

2018 - London

Dan sits in bed. He stares intently at his laptop screen. it’s 3am, Phil is asleep next to him, he’s facing away from Dan. 

You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer!

He reads the last lines in his word document over and over, everything is suddenly feeling like it’s falling into place. It took him 27 years to get to a point of acceptance, a place where he’s finally comfortable being queer… Gay. He’s gay. He remembers how over the last few years he’s become more comfortable with his sexuality, he stopped trying to hide as much and he knows the audience picked up on it. He scrolls back to the top of his script, he wants to get up now and film it and put it out but he knows he can’t right now, but this time it’s not because he’s scared. He and Phil are about to start a huge tour. Coming out is going to change everything but they can’t have any distractions now. The tour is big and important, this can wait.

Phil turns over, Dan looks over at him as his eyes open.

“You’re still awake?” He mumbles

“I finished it” Dan says, turning the screen slightly “over 25 pages”

Phil sits up and grabs his glasses from the bedside table.

 “Can i read it?” He asks leaning his head against Dan’s shoulder.

“Not the whole thing, there’s one part I want you to hear though” Dan turns his head, his eyes meeting Phil’s. “If you don’t want me to say it, I'll take it out

Dan scrolls about half way through, Phil sees his name written within a paragraph.Dan begins to read.

“Obviously we were more than friends, but it was more than just romantic. This is someone who genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child I actually felt safe” Dan pauses to look at Phil, he doesn’t read the next part off the screen, he tells Phil from memory “We are real best friends. Companions through life. Actual soulmates.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, he places his hand gently on Dan’s cheek and kisses him softly. Dan knows this is Phil’s way of saying yes, he can include this in the video. Dan puts his laptop down.

“I love you, so much, Phil”

“I love you, Dan, so so much”

They fall asleep wrapped up in each other, with smiles on their faces. Dan’s ready now. Next time he asks Phil to marry him, he knows he’s actually going to go through with it.

2019 - Las Vegas

Dan takes a deep breath. It’s now or never, he knows that. He’s thought about this moment for almost 7 years now. He doesn’t have a ring or a plan but he knows that right now on this balcony is where he’s going to ask Phil to marry him.

“I’ve wanted to ask you this for like, 7 years” He begins “but every time I tried to ask I chickened out because I wasn’t ready to admit who I really was. Over the last 2 years I’ve started to feel more comfortable with other people knowing about me, i’ve always been comfortable around you, but other people knowing has always been a huge deal. Um…”

Dan wipes a tear away from his eye. He looks Phil in the eyes. Phil is smiling at him.

“You are the love of my life” He continues “and now that everything's out in the open and we don’t have to hide anymore, I know I’m finally ready for this, there’s no voice in the back of my head telling me no. So…”

Dan gets down on one knee and takes Phil’s hands.

“Phil Lester” He takes a deep breath “Will you marry me?”

He sees the tears in Phil’s eyes. Phil nods.

“Of course I will, Dan”

Dan jumps up and pulls Phil into a tight hug. They kiss for a while before Dan pulls away, laughing.

“This is ridiculous, we just got engaged on a balcony in Vegas while in our pajamas, I don’t even have ring for you”

Phil starts to laugh too. “This is perfect, this is the most us proposal you could have ever done, we can go out in the afternoon and get a ring”

“Or… we could go out in the afternoon and just get married?” 

“We could.”

*

4:00PM Thurs 18 Jul

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It’s a photo of 2 hands, one belonging to Dan and the other Phil. They have wedding bands on their fingers. The caption reads: AcTuAl SoULmATeS @ AmazingPhil

4:05PM Thurs 18 Jul

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It’s a 2 photos, the first being a poor quality screenshot from the first Phil is not on fire, the second photo is of Phil kissing Dan on the cheek, Dan is holding his hand up to show off the wedding ring on his finger.

-

[junietuesday]

OKAY I AM BACK FROM DEAR EVAN HANSEN

IT WAS INCREDIBLE!! STEPHEN CHRISTOPHER ANTHONY WAS ON TODAY (JULY 11 MATINEE) AND HE WAS SO GOOD OMG. THE ENTIRE CAST WAS SUPER AWESOME, I ESPECIALLY LOVED ZOE (MAGGIE MCKENNA) AND HER VOICE, IT WAS SO PRETTY. I WROTE DOWN EVERYTHING I COULD REMEMBER:

Act 1

In Sincerely Me it looked kinda like Jared was trying to find like any excuse to touch Evan, it was adorable, like he was draping his arm around Evan’s shoulders whenever he could and pushing his shoulders into Evan’s while he squatted down to write some emails, and then when he jumped into the dancing at the end he was slightly behind Evan and Connor onstage like he was trying to shove himself in and failing, and I also loved that Evan was mimicking Connor’s movements to show that he was really “Connor”

Before Anybody Have A Map:

Heidi: *growly-enthusiastic* Seize the day!

Evan: *same tone* I guess!

Before For Forever:

Evan: we went to the...apples. The apple place

Cynthia: ...the orchard?

In Disappear it was like Jared was trying to hide how enthusiastic he was to join the Connor Project and his “sarcastic” “well, shit!” when Alana said “you can be secretary or treasurer, sorry, co-president is taken” was like he actually was a little disappointed, and also before that he was like “soon this whole thing with Connor will be done with when there’s some third-degree tsunami we have to raise money for!” like he’s excited for when everything goes back to normal and he can be Evan’s only friend

Before Requiem Cynthia told Zoe “we’re all grieving in our own way, I know you truly miss him deep down” and Zoe opened her mouth angrily like she was gonna deny it then just shook her head and looked away and rolled her eyes

Zoe is no way straight with the way she was sitting on that couch in Requiem

During the climax of You Will Be Found with the projections of Evan’s speech all over, Heidi was wandering around the stage looking up at the videos confusedly, while Evan went up to Cynthia and hugged her for the longest time

Before Sincerely Me Jared was talking about how the secret email account and not talking to each other in school was the formula for gay lovers and I was like “you’d know about that huh”

I really loved the staging in Waving Through a Window where Evan’s classmates line up in a row and then every time he steps in front of them trying to get their attention, they flip and look away, by the end Evan is looking almost desperate

In Sincerely Me during the chorus Connor punched Evan’s shoulders on each side like really hard, then later Evan punched Connor back trying to like awkwardly mimic him but it was super weak like Connor barely even reacted

Before If I Could Tell Her the part where the music was already playing in the soundtrack passed by without anything from the band so I got scared they like, forgot to play or something but I guess they start the music later than they do in the recording

Zoe was like a ton more cynical than I thought she’d be, I really love it though it works well

When Jared Alana and Evan propose the Connor Project to the Murphys, after Evan invites Zoe and the jazz band to do something for the presentation and Cynthia says “oh Evan this is wonderful” while Zoe watches and Evan looks nervous under her gaze, Jared says pointedly, “no sweat! right, Evan?” and Evan stutters out an affirmative

There was so much startled laughter when Alana said “you broke your arm? oh my grandma broke her hip. the doctors said that was the beginning of the end. she died”

Evan takes Jared’s advice to nod and confirm super literally, during the scene before For Forever he nods super forced and fake-enthusiastically and says “mhm” or “yeah” again, super forced

Before Requiem (or maybe For Forever idk):

Cynthia: why was Connor embarrassed of you?

Evan: well, I mean, I think he didn’t want people to know he was friends with a—

Zoe: Nerd?

Evan: I was gonna say “loser” but that works too—better than works actually—

In If I Could Tell Her Zoe’s “no, nevermind, I don’t really care” was a lot more trying to sound aloof than in the recording, she’s pretending she’s just like “whatever” and pulls it off a lot better than Laura Dreyfuss’s Zoe

And then after If I Could Tell Her when Evan tells Jared about trying to kiss her on her brother’s bed, Jared’s like “oh she’ll hate you forever might as well just give up on her now” in a way that really came off to me as “yes now that she’s out of the picture maybe I have a chance?”

Act 2:

At one point—I think it was a bit before Good For You?—with projections of Evan’s letters all over the stage, there were bolded words “maybe better disappeared”

I CRIED DURING SO BIG/SO SMALL AND HEIDI AND EVAN ARGUING BEFORE GOOD FOR YOU AND LOOK I DIDN’T EXPECT THEIR SCENES TO HIT ME SO HARD BUT THEY DID

EVAN WAS LITERALLY SOBBING THE FIRST LYRICS OF WORDS FAIL AND I AM NOT OKAY, HIS ENTIRE WORDS FAIL PERFORMANCE WAS SO RAW AND PAINFUL HELP

Before Words Fail Cynthia was like brokenly “no, no, no” when Evan said Connor didn’t write the letters

Before Only Us Zoe said “let’s have a kegger” and Evan repeated it in a sillier voice and then they went back and forth a couple more times then they started doing this little leg-bouncy dance that holy shit kinda echoed the Sincerely Me leg bouncing

Zoe was perched on the arm of the couch really weirdly during the scene where the Murphys and Hansens meet and drink wine, again, totally not straight

Zoe went to hold Evan’s hands during Only Us, Evan really quickly wiped his hand on his jeans before holding her hands back

The part where Evan and Jared fought was really painful, when Jared said “fuck you, Evan! Asshole!” and ran off, and I’m also still not over how he was the only one to talk about “someone” hurting “whoever” in the third person during Good For You

Alana!!! Deserved!!! Better!!! She was practically crying during Good For You and those scenes where she tells Evan that the emails don’t line up, she didn’t even get a proper resolution, not even in the book (at least in the book Jared did)

When recording a video for the Connor Project, Alana was speaking clearly and well while Evan was just rambling really fast, sometimes he’d just echo what Alana said but quicker and quieter, for the closing sentence they started to say it together, Alana and Evan visibly—painfully—trying to match each other’s speed and tone, before Alana finally gave up and took over

As the play went on Evan started dressing like Connor, he was wearing Connor’s sweater by the end until he changed back for the finale

Jared looked so hurt when Zoe came up and kissed Evan on the cheek while Jared was talking about how much of a ~better life~ Evan was having now that Connor was dead, Jared was like “yeah. you’re really helping the Murphys” like he was trying hard not to sound like he cared *cough* KLEINSEN ALL THE WAY

In Only Us when Evan was saying “I love you” the first part was still facing the audience, then for the rest of the “I love you”s he turned to Zoe and got closer and closer to her, directing them at her instead of just saying “Connor didn’t know how to say this”

The Sincerely Me reprise was great, so like Jared and Connor were dancing together and Connor was saying “let’s have the Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman join this rad friendship!” and then just record scratch, freeze frame, Evan snaps “you can’t just make stuff up” and Jared looks into the camera like in the Office, and then when Jared like, what was it, invited Evan to his house or something idk, Evan was like “I can’t, I’m busy I have important things to do”, Jared’s visibly hurt when he says “oh yeah Connor’s the only important thing now”

During So Big/So Small, halfway through Evan just latches onto his mom and cries while she sings, I am not okay

Before Only Us Zoe’s like “can we talk” and Evan goes panicky “please don’t break up with me!” and then Zoe half-laughs “I’m not breaking up with you”, Evan awkwardly really slowly leans forward to touch Zoe’s hands and sighs in relief, “thank you”, Zoe mimicks him, “you’re welcome”, Evan looks kinda mortified

The You Will Be Found reprise literally felt like a panic attack/sensory overload it was intense and I loved it, also there was a loud whooshing sound before it cut to the Murphy’s living room and I literally jumped lmao

Evan was pretty much sobbing during the part where Connor said “did you fall? Or did you let go?”, I was almost in tears too

When Evan spit out “he didn’t write it!” even though I knew what was gonna happen I still gasped inside, and then afterward Zoe whispered “how could you do this?” in a total 180 from her earlier tougher cynical attitude

When Alana shares the “suicide note”, she’s beside Evan on the other side of the stage, the note pops up all over the projections and recordings start reposting and sharing it, Evan is literally brokenly begging “don’t show anyone, take it down, please”

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

Truth or Dare? 1/3 probably

much of the details about him in this fic is from things b has said in interviews, on periscope, twitch, twitter... see if you can guess what is true vs details/things i made up. other things, like most of his friends being girls (at least as a kid and teen) i don't think he's ever stated outright but i consider so damn obvious as you learn about him eg the bullying, his best friend in 8th grade was a girl. hopefully, all the things i remember him saying he's actually said and i didn't dream it/imagine it haha. also i love this fic so fucking much if i may say so. one of my faves, to be a braggart. in this universe, he never got introduced to spence or ryan, hence no mentions of them or panic! and him going off to arizona for cosmetology

tag list @greatheromuffinpalace @paypoulterer1 @anyh0w @anobsessioncalled @panicsinning @queerbrendon @prettyoddfiction @iwriteficsnottragediesladies @uriellybrendon @pageoftheclouds @brendonuriesbubblyass @ier0-must-die @itriedallthenamesiwantedaretaken @xfoxtalynx @spacesams00 @satanspuppet-x @1-800-hallelujah @ryrostan @tacobelltylerr @urie-dreams [just message me to be added or taken off the tag list]

----

You're watching Aladdin with Brendon, after Alice in Wonderland but before Bambi because you don't want to wind up crying yet. He's totally like Flower and Bambi. Loves flowers, flirty and doe-eyed, for starters. He's an Aladdin too, and is singing along with you as you're cuddled up on your bed with him, him absentmindedly playing with, brushing your hair. He stopped styling it a while ago, but you love having your hair played with, scalp massaged, neck too, as much as he does... Even that has arousal spreading, tickling over you.

You don't have class tomorrow, but he has a cosmetology one in the morning. He's still excited about not having someone telling him to get to bed though, and you're too relaxed, and uh... you like how you feel around him too much, how simple things, touches kind of turn you on, to suggest he get to sleep or leave your room. Besides, your roommate went home for the weekend. And these blankets and pajamas are comfy. You wind up getting into A Whole New World though: dramatic actions and singing, batting lashes at each other, giggling, pretending the bed is a magic carpet like the dorks you two are...

You offer your lap for his head to get pets in once the song ends... You love touching his hair. Watching his lashes, eyes, lips in the television light. Hearing his breathing deepening, his sighs, a couple mmms when you stroke the nape of his neck, tug his hair, scritch his scalp. You've only known him a couple months, but... whoo boy. Too bad he's gayer than the day is long. And kind of has a boyfriend from his program, George. Well, a friend with benefits.

“Truth or dare, B?” you ask when the movie ends, but neither of you move.

“'M sleepy from all those pets, y/n, so for once, I'm going with truth.”

“Were you like this as a kid? Was it musicals and wanting to do cosmetology and stuff back then too? Like not being... being... different. From how boys were supposed to be.”

He chuckles. “Pretty much. Did skateboarding for years, and some soccer, but that was pretty much the extent of the manly shit. Well, the heavy metal too. And lots of people did pot. But mostly the kind of things people thought boys shouldn't do. Most of my friends were girls. Still are. Liked making people laugh, entertaining them. Gymnastics, dance; just messing around not pro. Did sets for the drama kids in high school. I fit in with some guys, mostly chill stoner or art types, guys who weren't straight, but not many. Sometimes I had to fake it to get by with guys, if it even worked. But mostly stuff like the dress up box.”

“What'd you dress up as?”

“Different musical roles, like Maria and Cosette, Jean Valjean. I remember being about five and wrapping curtains around myself like a dress and singing Sound of Music. Cheerleader with the miniskirt and all from my older sister Kara. Uh... pirate, cowboy, or cowgirl. Elvis, Carly Simon, Gwen. Wanted to sound like her so bad. Beyonce. David Bowie in Labyrinth, without a proper wig though. And a few of the personas he had different eras too. Jareth was mixed up in a crush on him. Like I wasn't sure how much I wanted to play that role versus liked David... At twelve, with Jessica Alba, that was a lot clearer. Make up too, some wigs. Lots of my mom's clothes. I'm sure you can tell on that last one.” He still wears women's jeans now. And hoodies, shirts, a couple pairs of sneakers...

“Oh, a weird flower boy version of Rambo,” he laughs. “Like the headband, but my mom's blouse and jeans, a bouquet of flowers, heels, dad's sunglasses... Still have a picture of that one. And we have lots of home movies of stuff. Me being a lounge singer with a feather boa and gold dress... seducing my mom. Oh, shit, can't believe I just admitted that aloud. Anyway, there was firefighter, seamstress, servant, scuba diver, vet... Vampire, fairy, witch. Playing a mom or sister in plays, like sometimes one of my sisters would be the dad, I'd be the mom, or we'd be three sisters. Or they'd be the mom and dad and I'd be their baby. I remember one where I was pregnant—pillow and doll baby, haha—and Kyla was the pirate doctor helping me deliver on the ship. Or the damsel in distress being rescued by them. Or kidnapped by them. Or we had to save our mom, the queen, from a dragon or evil king.”

They were imaginative too! You're picturing them, little Brendon in these outfits, roles. So cute, and silly, and did you say cute? He must've been adorable, playful and an entertainer back then, too. He's done an open mic a few times and sings and plays at parties with friends. You've seen him do it last Saturday, nervous but eager to sing and play guitar, or keyboard. He said that music was his favourite hobby, that he loves doing it, especially for people, but you had no idea how deep it went.

“Me in my sister's gymnastic leotard, but over my shorts because she didn't want it so close to my crotch.”

The crotch part makes you think of it: if he wears... uh, panties too? The thought makes you flush and feel embarrassed. You haven't seen him in a dress or skirt either, but he used to wear those. You wonder if he still does and you just haven't seen it. You think they'd suit him for some reason. The lavender hoodie, the pink sneakers, plus a miniskirt? Denim, or black. God, you bet that he'd look even better, draw you to him more.

“Wish we had dress up stuff to play with here, B. Bet it was fun. And I bet you looked so cute.”

He gets up, but it's to turn on the lamp; the tv had gone dark. He bats his lashes. “Oh, I did.”

You both laugh as you throw a pillow at him. “Goofball. Don't ever let me tell you you still look cute, then. And that I actually would want to see you with a dress up box.”

“Truth or dare?” he asks. You'd forgotten how this started.

“Truth?” Neither is a safe bet, so you just go with what he went with to even it out.

“Would you want to see me dressed up? Like... in things here... of yours?”

Your breath catches. Are you that obvious? You nod, asking “Truth or dare?”

He grins. “Whattaya think, y/n? Dare.”

“M-maybe... uh... a skirt? On you, I mean?”

“That can be arranged.” He practically bounces over to your closet, sorts through, deciding on a long soft blue and lilac hippieish flowery one that goes to your ankles, a purple plaid one that comes to your knees but would be two to three inches shorter on him, and your denim one that's so short it would be a mini on him. You wear it with black tights or other pants it's so short. Really, he picked most of them; you only have two others. He holds them out one by one, then places them over his hips: “Which one would fit me best?”

You get flustered, because you want to see the denim one most, but worry it would be too short for him. The plaid one? It gives “naughty schoolgirl” vibes to boys and men, older pervs included, so you don't wear it much, even though it reminds you of a newly formed coven of witches stuck at a Catholic school for some reason (you blame The Craft). You wonder what'd look like on him. You bet he's worn skirt school uniforms before, and that he'd get cheesy with it, calling you Miss and asking hammily but flirtatiously about extra credit, asking you to teach him, maybe bending over... which not going to lie, you do want if it got sexily funny, but you know it couldn't mean anything.

He grins. "Warning ya, my legs are really hairy, so you might wanna go with the longest one. What can I say, I've got Jewish legs."

You snort. "Guess I've got Jewish legs too: my hair is a light brown, but there's lots of it below my knees. I stopped shaving now that it's November." You can't help wondering if he's dressed up for Hallowe'en in a girl's costume, or in drag, and what he'd look like; even some guys who are kind of sexist and homophobic do that for Hallowe'en, so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary even outside of the gay bar you and he were let into a few times, because George knew the bouncer. Both of your first one, bar or gay bar.

"Oh, I bet I've got more than you," he jokes, and slides his pant leg up a bit, doing a "banananana" strip tease music thing, shaking his leg, making you both giggle.

"Go with the shortest one, B. Bet you'd look super sexy," you reply, hammily winking.

"No peeking!" he admonishes teasingly, hiding behind your closet door, but he pops his booty out and sways it before hiding again. His jeans quickly get flung towards you to him laughing, "Hey, you ever see that British film The Full Monty?"

"It's kinda tight on my ass, but loose on my hips. What can I say? I bring the booty. But your hips are more womanly than mine, alas," he sighs dramatically. “And your thighs are damn. Um. At least it covers my underwear. Pretty much.” He peeks out, excited. "Ready? I just wanna make sure you're prepared for my hairy ass legs, oh and my stunningly gorgeous ass."

"Pshaw, I know that that booty brings all the boys to your yard, you tramp." He's really a tease at that bar. Both guys his age and kind of older, but only one creep. He always drinks for free, gets you drinks too, and you alternately keep close and watch from afar and let him do his thing with said boys. He only talks with most, often dances, but if he likes the guy, the dancing goes beyond pg territory, kissing too, and he even went home with one of them.

[waywardteamfreewill]

Character: Dean Winchester  Timestamp: Ages 14-41 trigger warnings: Underage feelings for Harrison Ford, lots of internalized homophobia, mentions of homophobia but no homophobic actions are done towards Dean, drunken kissing, NSFW elements in Garth’s section but no smut, alcoholism implied in the therapist section, and mentions of John Winchester’s A+ parenting, but no actual interaction with him. 

Dean is fourteen when he starts looking at Harrison Ford differently. It’s not just him, it’s all his favorites, but right now it’s all about Harrison Ford. His dad is on a hunt in the next town over, leaving Sam and Dean in some cheap motel. For once, he’s not itching to join him, because the local cable is having an all day Harrison Ford marathon, starting with Star Wars and ending with Indiana Jones. 

He’s always admired the guy. He’s good looking, knows how to handle a gun, wears an awesome hat, and always wins the hot girl in the end. The thing is that Dean always wanted to be him, and as he watches Indi somersault out of the way of an oncoming boulder, he still does, but there’s something more there tonight that he hasn’t noticed in the past. 

His cheeks feel flushed and there’s heat tickling underneath his skin. At first, he thinks he’s getting a fever or something and moves over to the other bed, just in case he’s contagious. The space does nothing to help Dean though, and his pink cheeks grow bright red when Indiana kisses Willie in Temple of Doom. As the music swells, and he lowly says the words “primitive sexual practices,” Dean finds that he’s picturing himself in Willie’s place, with Harrison Ford looming over him and dipping down to kiss him deeply. 

The realization of what he’s doing crashes into him, leaving him a little sick to his stomach as he snatches the remote and turns the TV off abruptly. He swallows roughly to chase away the sick feeling and gives Sam a feigned apologetic look. “I--uh--think I’m gettin’ sick or something. I’m going to bed,” He says. But hours after the lights are turned off and he’s buried under the covers, he’s still wide awake. 

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is seventeen, and this is the longest they’ve stayed in one place since he watched their house in Lawrence disappear from the backseat in the Impala. When their dad took on a pretty big case in Florida, he left the Sam and Dean with Bobby, and then...just kind of left them there. It’s been three months. At first he was pissed. He’s old enough to go on hunts with his dad. He’s been on plenty, while Sam was safely hidden away in a motel. 

“You gotta watch over Sammy,” John said, like he always does when Dean asks to go. It felt like a shitty excuse at the time, but now he can’t imagine being away from his little brother this long, and while he’ll never admit it, he’s glad he left them with Bobby. 

For the first time, Dean actually knows the names of the other kids in his class. He has decent grades, and he’s even considering trying out for the baseball team. Sammy seems happy too. Dean has seen the poor kid get ripped away from school after school, trying to keep his sobs quiet in the backseat as their dad drove away from yet another town. He hates himself for thinking of it, but when he sees how settled Sam is at Bobby’s, he hopes their dad doesn’t come back. 

And maybe he’s happy too, and he tries not to feel guilty, but it’s not like his dad will ever know. Whenever he shows up for them, Dean will follow with a “yes, sir,” like he always does. Until then, he just lets himself be a normal seventeen year old for once. He even found a group of friends and everything, a few guys from his gym class. There’s Matt, Jordan, and Aaron with the too blue eyes, or at least that’s what he calls him in his head. As if he’d ever have the nerve to call him that aloud. 

Thoughts about boys creep up on him like itch, dull at first but the more he ignores it the more insistent it becomes. When he first noticed these...feelings, he told himself, “It’s a celebrity crush, it’s fine. Everyone gets those.” But then it grew into, “It’s just some stranger in a diner, it’s fine. You’ll never see him again,” and now it’s, “It’s just your good looking friend, it’s fine.”

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. 

It’s not fine, but Dean pushes it down and pretends it’s not there. Besides, he hasn’t stopped noticing girls. If anything, he’s notices them more. As long as that’s the case, there’s no reason to act on these feelings or even acknowledge them. His dad doesn’t want a whole lot from him. He wants him to protect Sam and be a good hunter, but Dean sure as hell knows what he doesn’t want for him, and that’s being with another guy like that, especially when he’s still attracted to girls. He’s seen the way his dad looks at gay guys, heard the comments he makes under his breath, and there’s no way that’s the kind of life he wants for his sons. 

So, every time Aaron gives him the kind of smile that makes his chest warm or he finds himself staring too long, he reminds himself of all the reasons why this can’t be a thing. And just because Dean is thinking things he shouldn’t be, doesn’t mean Aaron is too. 

He needs that reminder right now as the four of them are packed together in a crowded movie theater, seeing Scream. At some point, Aaron scooted closer to Dean’s side, pressing their shoulders together. The screams from the crowd sound like a dull roar in his ears when Aaron’s pinky brushes against his, and he holds his breath as he slowly tangles them together, until they’re practically holding pinkies. He should rip his hand away, he even stiffens as he prepares himself to, but then his shoulders sag as he leans further into the touch. He doesn’t want to pull away. His eyes burn as he stares fixedly at the screen with how badly he doesn’t want to pull away. 

They stay like that for the rest of the movie, sneaking glances at each other, but keeping the touch to just their shoulders and pinkies. When the credits roll, Dean finally pulls away, stretching as he stands to try and come off as casual as possible. They toss their popcorn in the trash and talk about the movie as they head out of the theater. Matt and Jordan give them a quick pat on the shoulders before heading off, and before Dean can go searching for Bobby’s truck in the parking lot, Aaron grabs his elbow to keep him from leaving.

“Dean?” His blue eyes flicker from Dean’s face to the ground nervously, “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Like without Matt and Jordan.”

Dean feels his throat close as he struggles to get air in his lungs, worried that his popcorn might come back up. He doesn’t know why he’s acting like this. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out just the two of them, but from the way Aaron’s blushing he has a feeling it’s more than that.

“You mean like…” He trails off, unsure if he can even say it, but Aaron beats him to it.

“Like a date, yeah. I don’t know if you--if you’re--well, I thought I’d try, at least,” He gives a nervous look as he braves meeting Dean’s gaze.

His first instinct is to be furious, to fly off the handle at him for even daring to assume that Dean isn’t anything but straight, to tell him he doesn’t swing that way and storm off, maybe even get a punch in, but he’s frozen. Despite all his promises to himself that he wouldn’t ever acknowledge this thing that follows him around, he starts entertaining the idea of letting himself have this. His dad is on the other side of the country, he’ll never find out. Nobody has to know if they keep it to themselves. He can just try it this once to get it out of his system and then stick to girls. 

“Yeah, okay,” Dean chokes out before he even fully gives himself permission to, and he knows he needs to leave now before he chickens out, “I gotta go. Uh--I’ll call you.” Aaron lets out a huge, relieved breath before giving Dean one of those grins that make his insides squirm with delight, and he smiles back, giving him a playful wink before walking away.

He spends the drive back to Bobby’s going between panic and excitement, planning out potential date ideas but also rehearsing ways to turn Aaron down. As he pulls into the Salvage yard and sees the Impala, he realizes it’s all for nothing and feels strangely numb. It’s time for the next hunt, and he knows with absolute certainty that he’ll never see Aaron again. It’s for the best, he tells himself. Who was he fucking kidding anyway?

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is twenty-one and drunk on the beach. His vision is a little fuzzy, and when he looks up at the sheer amount of stars in the pitch black sky, he feels dizzy, causing him to stumble into the body beside him. 

“Watch it, brother. You don’t wanna eat sand,” A husky voice laughs as he grips Dean’s shoulders with strong hands to steady him. 

Lee can’t fill the hole that Sam left when he went off to Stanford, but having him around helps him feel a little less like he’s suffocating. John swung by Texhoma in hopes to recruit his old buddy for a hunt, but got his son instead. Dean and John were glad for the turn of events for different reasons. His dad admired how strong of a fighter Lee was, his training precise enough for John’s Marine standards. 

Dean just admired him, in general. He’s having a hell of a time ignoring it when his dad is always there. Maybe, it’s just his paranoia talking, but it feels like he’s watching Dean too closely, noting how he acts around Lee. Which is what inspires their first escape from John Winchester in a slew of rowdy drunken activities. After he caught them wasted in a middle of a hunt, they started being more discreet about it, so while John was dead asleep in his motel room, the two of them snuck off to a bar and then stumbled their way to the closest beach. 

Lee’s hands on his shoulders make him feel both grounded but also like he’s teetering over the edge of a cliff. The moon illuminates his face from where it’s hovering near Dean’s, his blue eyes boring into his. In his drunken state, he forgets what they were talking about, or if they were even talking at all, and all those walls he’s been building around himself for the past decade feel flimsy, like the slightest nudge will knock them all down. 

Dean’s gaze flickers wildly over his face before landing on a piece of hair that fell over his eyes. “You have sand in your hair,” He drunkenly giggles and lifts a hand to pull the sand out before tucking the errant hair behind Lee’s ear. Instead of dropping his hand like he planned to, he cups his friends cheek instead, his thumb absently brushing over his soft skin. 

“Dean,” Lee breathes, low and rough, and it sends a tingle down his spine.

“Hey,” He answers, because it feels like the right the thing to say in the moment, or maybe he just doesn’t know what the hell to say when they’re standing this close and he wants nothing more than to just close the remaining distance, give into this want that’s been burning in his chest for years.

Something like recognition shows in Lee’s eyes before he clasps the back of Dean’s neck and draws him down to seal their lips together in a tentative kiss. It’s more gentle and hesitant than his actual first kiss, but it makes his entire body practically sing. He hears a desperate noise over the sound of the waves, and he thinks it might’ve come for him, but he doesn’t care. He can beat himself up for that later, but for now, he sighs against Lee’s lips and deepens the kiss, letting himself have this.

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Lee is the longest relationship he’s ever had, which is pretty sad, considering it lasts for about a month. But in that month, they find creative ways to sneak around his dad and even get caught up in some kind of wild orgy with triplets. It all crashes and burns when a case in Arizona goes horribly, horribly wrong, and Lee can’t just move past it. He quits hunting and leaves Dean to go back home, giving him one last lingering kiss before he drives away. 

With hardly anything more than a dismissive grunt, John leaves shortly after, deciding Dean is finally old enough to hunt on his own, and that they’ll cover more ground to find whatever killed mom if they split up. The fact that his dad trusts him to do this on his own should be enough to fill him with pride, but it feels more like punishment, and for the first time in his life, he’s completely alone. 

A week after Lee and his dad left, he’s sitting in the parked Impala, dialing Sam’s number. 

“Heya, Sammy,” He greets his brother, trying to keep his voice as nonchalant and cheerful as possible. They talk about Sam’s homework and friends, and Dean tells him about some interesting hunts, leaving out the most recent one. He doesn’t tell him about dad leaving, but Lee is on the tip of his tongue. Part of him wants to tell Sam--to get this weight off his shoulders, for one more person to know so it doesn’t feel like some big fever dream. 

“Sam,” He starts, his tone suddenly serious. “I’m...” He stops. He’s what? He’s not gay, but he obviously ain’t straight either. But who says he has to label himself right this second though? He can just tell him about Lee. “I…” He tries again, but the words just don’t come. 

That time he agreed to go on a date with Aaron, he told himself it’d be a one time thing to get it out of his system, and while this wasn’t Aaron, that’s what Lee can be. A one time thing. Something that Sam doesn’t need to know about. 

“I gotta go. Take care of yourself, okay?” 

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is thirty and fucking grateful for it. It’s 2009, and not 2014. He still has time to fix this. When he whips around and sees Cas standing there on the empty street, there’s a look on his face that Dean can only describe as tenderness, and that makes him believe he really can fix this.

“That’s pretty nice timing, Cas,” Dean breathes shakily, overwhelmed by the sheer relief that this Cas is his Cas, not the version he left in 2014. 

“We had an appointment,” Cas replies, and there’s so much warmth in his gravely voice that Dean wants to chase it and hold it close to his chest. He feels his face do something that’s probably too open and too fond, but he doesn’t do anything to mask it. Instead, he firmly rests a hand on the angel’s shoulder and looks him straight in the eye before saying, “Don’t ever change.” 

Dean wouldn’t say Cas has much variety in his facial expressions, so the hint of a smile he gets in return feels huge. It reaches his eyes more than his lips, and something about that makes it more genuine. This isn’t the first time Dean felt something after prolonged eye contact with the guy, far from it, but it’s usually a shock of heat or desire--this is something else entirely. He just wants to find more ways to earn looks like this, which seems impossible with the apocalypse around the corner, but he wants to try. 

It’s been nearly a decade since he told himself he wouldn’t let himself act on feelings for another man, but shit has changed. His dad is dead, and that’s not enough to erase the shame that still washes over him any time he accidentally checks out another dude, but John Winchester is not an excuse anymore. The world is ending, isn’t this the best time to say fuck it and try?

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

Dean is thirty-two, and he’s very naked, and very sticky. He curses himself under his breath for not taking the time to clean up before passing out, but he must’ve worn himself out. For a second he forgets where he is or who he was with the night before, but when he cracks an eye open, he sees peeling yellow wallpaper from the ugly ass motel room he’s been staying in. He blindly reaches a hand out behind him and makes contact with an equally naked and sticky body. 

“Hey, watch the hand,” A very familiar voice laughs from behind him, causing Dean to whip around in surprise, wincing at the soreness that follows.

“Garth?” He asks wearily. 

“Yeah, who else? We didn’t even drink last night, don’t pull the forgotten one night stand act with me, Dean Winchester,” Garth chastises him gently, propping himself up on his elbow as he smiles down at him. 

Dean blinks a few times to try and wake himself up, and when he’s feeling a little less disoriented, the night before comes back to him--and, oh yeah, he remembers it. Who would’ve thought a little guy like Garth could be such a firecracker in bed? Maybe, he somehow sensed that about him, and that’s why he was so eager to find out. 

In the short time he’s known Garth, he wouldn’t say he’s had many dirty thoughts about him. He didn’t have many thoughts about anyone these days, not since Cas...Dean quickly ends that train of thought there. The nightmares are enough. The thing with Garth just kind of happened, between the goodbye hugs, and the comments about how good he smells, the little smiles he keeps sending Dean’s way, he figured why the hell not? 

He wasn’t disappointed with his choice either. Garth was surprisingly strong and confident, which are all things Dean likes in his partners. He just wouldn’t usually go for someone he sees so often--makes things awkward. 

“I remember,” He gives a quiet laugh before clearing his throat awkwardly, looking from Garth’s bare chest to the sheets. “Look, Garth, I--uh--I’m not really looking for a relationship or anything,” He begins, and it feels so overused and rehearsed. He hates having this talk, which is why he usually sticks to waitresses or women, and the occasional man, that he won’t ever see again. He doesn’t want to shoot Garth down, but after Cas--he just thought things would be different by now. He thought they would be different now, but that hope died when he pulled Cas’s soaking trench coat out of the water. 

He doesn’t know what he kind of response he expects, but it’s definitely not for him to throw his head back with a loud laugh. “Oh, Dean, I should’ve known you’d be this funny the morning after. Look at you, trying to give me the it’s not you, it’s me talk. We’re fine, buddy. Just two guys looking for a night of fun,” He shakes his head and gives Dean’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. 

Dean feels his entire body sag in relief, and now that, that awkwardness is out of the way, he feels his body react to Garth’s close proximity, the memory of the night before has him ready to go all over again. Resting a hand on the hunter’s naked hip, he leans in until their noses brush, “In that case, round two?” He asks, his voice practically a quiet purr. 

“Round two,” Garth agrees before pulling him in for a heated kiss.

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

“I don’t know. I guess that was the first time I did something like that without feeling guilty after. I didn’t really even think about the fact that he was a dude that time,” Dean recounts, picking at a stray thread on his jeans. He’s forty-one and the world is still turning. Chuck is gone, Jack and Eileen are back, Cas is human, Sam is okay, and everything should be fine. But it turns out that peace on earth doesn’t erase decades worth of repression and trauma. 

It took storming out of a few therapist’s office before he found the right one. Dr. Williams, or Charlotte, is pretty nice, so far. She listens to all his stories that would sound absolutely insane to an outsider, and hardly bats an eye. Usually, they talk about Hell or Michael, but somehow the subject shifted to his history with men today, starting with him telling her about the ring he got Cas for Christmas. The one he almost didn’t give him--the ring that isn’t an engagement ring despite the looks Sam keeps giving him, but hopefully isn’t just a friendship ring either. 

“And how do you feel now? With Castiel? Do you still feel ashamed of your feelings or sexuality?” She asks calmly as she looks up at him over her notebook. 

Dean grimaces at that word--sexuality. He’s had so many years to accept the fact that he isn’t straight, that he likes men too, that he more than likes a particular man specifically. Still, he can’t get himself to say the actual word, not even in his own head. His old man has been dead for thirteen years, and it still feels like he’s looming over his shoulder whenever he even considers it. Sometimes, he wishes he told him when he accidentally wished him back into existence, but he’s glad he didn’t. Of all the people who deserve to hear it first, it’s not his dad. The fact that he even thinks that tells him these sessions are doing something.

“Sometimes...yeah,” Dean mutters and nervously licks his lower lip, “I know my family won’t care. Hell, they probably already know, but I don’t know. I just can’t shake it, I guess.”

“You don’t have to come out,” Charlotte tells him, and her voice isn’t too gentle like some of the other Therapist’s were, but it’s not too matter-of-fact either, which is why he likes her so much. “Not with an official statement, at least. You should do what you’re comfortable with. Like, next time you watch Star Wars, instead of keeping all those thoughts about Harrison Ford to yourself, say them aloud.”

Dean merely raises a brow in response, he’s pretty sure nobody wants to hear what he has to say about Harrison Ford. He’s come up with way so many jerking off fantasies to that guy, that most of his thoughts are something along the lines of, “I’d sell my soul to fuck Harrison Ford.” 

Charlotte seems to catch on quick and lets out an amused snort, “The safe for work version.” 

“Yeah, I’m not sure there is a safe for work version,” Dean points out and waggles his brows suggestively before dropping the act and sagging a little in his seat, his face going blank in thought. 

“I know that uh--that being bisexual is okay,” He stammers out and rubs the back of his neck as it prickles with nerves, “Which is what I am, I mean, bisexual. I’m just trying to believe that it is.” It’s the first time he’s actually said it, and it wasn’t nearly as terrifying as he thought it was. He still feels sick with anxiety, and like he wants to drink an entire bottle of whiskey when he gets home, but the fact that he did it at all lifts a huge weight from his shoulders. 

Charlotte gives him an impressed nod and jots down a few notes, “Well, that’s a good start.” 

⚤ ⚤ ⚤ ⚤

After his session, he comes home and gives some flimsy excuse about his whereabouts before pouring himself a drink. Cas isn’t in the kitchen or his room, but it doesn’t take Dean long to track him down. The new human spends a lot of time in the same spot these days. Shrugging on a coat, he brings his glass outside and walks to the little area Cas so carefully turned into his garden. 

Dean doesn’t announce his presence, just watches from a safe distance as Cas mutters quietly to his plants. The sun occasionally glints off the silver ring on his middle finger, and it brings a fond smile to his lips. After everything they’ve been through, after losing him so many times, Dean can’t believe he’s really here. It’s not perfect, Cas is struggling with his new humanity, and the distance between them hasn’t been fixed, but it’s still good.

And Dean loves him. 

“I’m in love with Cas,” He mentally tells himself, another thing that he’s known for ages but has been too damn scared to actually put into words. It’s just as nerve-wracking as his confession to Charlotte earlier, but it still brings him peace. 

He doesn’t know when he’ll tell Cas, or if he ever will, but right now he’s okay just telling himself. He’s okay just standing here and watching him garden. It’s more than he thought he’d ever have. 

[elle-christine]

Lovey Dovey Questions:

Reverting to my happy little Tumblr days; blogging away with my 16 year-old wistful intentions but now I’m married and all kinds of in lurrrrv.  How did you meet? 
My roommate and I got invited to a Young Adults Potluck/game night at our Church. We only knew one person there, but before we got there my roommate kept telling me “you’re about to meet your husband. I can’t believe we’re going to go to this tonight and you’re going to meet your husband.” But the majority of the night we sat in the corner with our one friend a bunch of girls and were planning on leaving to go to get food. I thought “I’m not meeting my husband here...”. But then we played a group game and I noticed him from across the room, and he noticed me. And the rest is history. How did he ask you to be his?

 We met up at the union on campus to talk, we had just told each other the night before that we had feelings for one another. We walked to the parking garage together and he kept making comments about “us”. So I asked him in the garage--what exactly is “us”. And then we made a logical and rational decision to date. Your first memory with them: Going to a restaurant after the game night, thinking he was cute but so serious and probably too cool for me. And thinking that he would make a good husband to someone someday. Why is your relationship different from others you have had? I was ready, he was ready. We had both taken a few years off from dating to determine what we should be looking for in a partner and to grow as humans on our own. We have a strong dedication to communication and intentionality. Ten things you like about them.
 1. His passionate pursuit of Jesus. 2. His intentional pursuit of our marriage. 3. His ability to be goofy, relaxed, and silly with me but be mature, serious, and polished in public. 4. He’s a great listener and a strong conversationalist. 5. His depth and intelligence. 6. His love of black coffee, the sun and water, minimalism, sustainability. 7. His gentleness and emotional availability. 8. His tender heart and natural kindness. 9. His respect for me. 10. His ability to lead well. How often do you see each other?
 In the morning when we wake up and at night before we go to bed. No matter how crazy and busy our lives get, getting to do that is such a blessing. 

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? on someone who can’t ghost me; 10/10 recommend.  2: Have you ever been deeply in love? currently a deeply in love lady. 3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in? 23 months tomorrow.  4: Have you ever changed for someone? Ironically, I changed more for the ones I didn’t actually date; tried to change to get them and clearly it didn’t work. 0/10 not recommended.  5: How is your relationship with your ex? One is friendly and two are non-existent.  6: Have you ever been cheated on? I don’t have proof but I believe there was a little somethin somethin going down behind my back. 7: Have you ever cheated? No. 8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating? no longer an option, but I think I would really struggle with that.  9: What’s the most important parts of a relationship? An ability to communicate, to be partners and to balance one another out, to complement each others strengths and weaknesses.   10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? I like being married. 11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? Nahhhhhhhh 13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? Being in relationships before I was confident/comfortable with who I was, and having relationships that were not Christ-centered and wondering why they weren’t working. 14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? I think the fact that this says “kids” is clear that the answer is never.  15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”? In some sense, yes. But cultural/generational things will play an impact.  16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”? No; I think love is a choice and something to work at.  17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? In some situations, sure; however again I think it takes communication and work.  18: What do you consider a deal breaker? Not knowing and following the Lord. Unequally yoked is a thing.  19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? If there are clear signs that a future is not going to happen, it’s likely that it will be more painful later on.  20: Are you currently in a relationship? Indeed.  21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Honestly, no. I think you can remain cordial and friendly, but I don’t think it’s healthy or fair to continue a close friendship.  22: Do you think people should date their friends? Yes; I think friendship can have a solid foundation for a strong relationship.  23: How many relationships have you had? truthfully one that matters.  24: Do you think love can last forever? yes 25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? love and the Lord.  26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? It would depend on the basis for disapproval. If there were genuine concern for safety, red flags I wasn’t seeing, if I was in danger, than yes. Thankfully, my mom more than approves of Alex.  27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Wait wait wait; be patient and focus more on yourself, guard your heart more.  28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? They can, but they take a LOT of intentionality and work; and need to have a resolution in sight.  29: What do you notice first about another person? Probably height, and overall demeanor (calm, loud, etc.) 30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? straight. 31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? no, but I am thankful that he doesn’t because I do, and I appreciate the balance.  32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? in some sense.  33: Do you want to get married one day? I am! 34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed? That’s a no from me dawg. 35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? I’m thankful that I’m not, but till death do us part and if sex was no longer an option for us--we would be just fine.  36: Are you still a virgin? I am a married lady.  37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? looks will not last forever. Personality and a desire to be a good steward of your body.  38: Do you enjoy love films? I’m not a big movie person tbh  39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? Alex occasionally surprises me with them which is rad.  40: Have you ever had a valentine? Only one that counts! 41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”? Going to the beach, eating sushi, watching the sunset (or rise; but switch the sushi for coffee), worship music and reading together.  43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? Husband is first.  44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”? I like ironic romance; cute gestures that purposely meant to be cheesy.  45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? I am married to my favorite friend. 46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”? honestly...no.  48: What’s your favorite love song? oh gosh, want me to make a whole damn list About Him.

Name? Alex Age? 31 When did you two begin dating? March 2018

What do you think of him? He’s okay...I guess. What does he think of you? Probably that I’m weird and kind of smell. Who asked who out first? I believe he did after some strong hinting from me. Did you like him before he asked you? I was intrigued but also guarded.  How old were you two? 25 and 29 What did you think of it at first? After about 5 minutes I was concerned he was “like, actually weird”. But by the end of the night I felt like I had just met a future best friend. Has it been a good relationship so far? Indeed.  Cutest thing he’s ever done? Goodness; surprising me with the cheesiest gift set-up when I woke up on Valentines Day morning. Bringing me a rose with the medicine he picked up for me when I was sick. Making me a handmade birthday card. Setting up a table with our pictures and couples Christmas gifts for when I came back from the holidays.  Do you have a “song”? “God Be” By Chris Renzema What was your most memorable experience? Getting married. And all that went into that decision, proces, etc.  When is your actual anniversary? Well...3/24/18, but also 7/14/19, and 11/12/19, and maybe 8/8/2020.  Do you guys tell each other everything? every.thing. Probably too much. Marriage.  What’s your favorite thing to do together? read and pray. drink coffee. go for hikes/walks. Find tiny cabins in the middle of nowhere and hole up for a weekend doing married people things.  Most fun date you two have been on? This past valentines we ate too much sushi and had a movie night with wine and donuts. Last summer we went to a leadership conference, the zoo, walked around Royal Oak, and got dinner with my family. Or our mini-honeymoon; the beach, staying at a B&B, sushi for dinner, wine and exchanging vows alone. How did ya’ll first kiss? We had planned on not kissing for a month but we were eating hummus and watching Miracle and decided to make it happen.  What does he call you? We’re pretty exclusively on “babe” Has anyone ever seriously proposed to you? And it worked. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #220

“as long as god in heaven dwell, your soul, your soul shall scream in hell.”

Would people consider you more immature or mature? It depends on the context. Emotionally, I think I'm considerably mature. As far as eligibility to be a proper adult goes, yeah. No. Would people consider you more funny or serious? I personally don't think I'm very funny, but I'm not super serious, either. Are you currently in love with someone? Who is this person? So... I'm quietly pondering over whether or not I'm just biromantic, not bisexual. I genuinely think I'm in love with my girlfriend, I do, but we have so, so little actually sexual experience that I don't know if "bisexual" fits me. I totally adore her romantically, I know that, but maybe sexually, I'm not into her? I don't know. It's hard for me to say because when I picture doing certain "things," I can't really tell what I feel. I don't take that as an "I'm not into it" though, considering I've wound up liking things with a guy I didn't think I would with anyone, something I only discovered by doing it. This whole situation was driving me insane a few days ago to the point I felt sick, but I've calmed myself out of it to where I've accepted I just have to wait and learn, being long-distance. I'm still entirely invested in us and am going to be honest learning about myself. I haven't actually talked to Sara about it and don't want to unless I come to learn this hunch has credibility. Which room in your house are you in? What color are the walls? My bedroom; light puke green, Why God. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Who got you interested in it? I don't really know about my "absolute favorite." It depends on my mood, really. I think maybe watching my favorite YouTubers tops the list, something Jason actually started with PewDiePie; or RPing, which I got into myself thanks to Meerkat Manor. Would the people you know say you have a nice singing voice? Barely anyone ever hears me sing, so idk. I personally feel my voice suits only few songs. Would you say most of your friends are older/younger than you? Ummm, good question. All but two are very close in age range, but most of my friends/closer acquaintances are kinda split around either side. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? Nope. Are you listening to music right now? If so, who’s singing the song? Yeah, I'm listening to Khemmis' cover of "A Conversation With Death." It's the intro song to that new game Man of Medan and is so badass. All the comments are like "came here from so-and-so's LP because this is epic" and same. What is your dream career? What inspired you to pursue this career? Probably meerkat biologist if I could handle the heat and was okay with moving, or paleontologist if I wasn't opposed to heavy travel. I love meerkats and dinosaurs v v much. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? No. What would you say is your favorite holiday? Why did you choose this? Halloween bc spooks and costumes and candy. Does it feel odd being around your friend’s parents? Why or why not? If I'm alone with them and don't know them very well, sure? What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Is there one in your city? Sonic, probably. And no, but in our neighboring city. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Is there one in your city? Olive Garden. See above. Do you ever take pictures with family members around the holidays? Mom pretty much forces it, lol... Have you ever thought you were adopted because of opposing interests? Y'ALL not kidding I legit asked my fucking mom if I was adopted in elementary school bc I thought she hated me one day versus my little sister lmfao. I went through a phase of feeling like she couldn't be "this mean" to her legitimate child. Are you more interested in indoor activities or outdoor things? Hm, that depends on the activities available. Most outdoor things are more fun, though. When is the next time you’ll see someone you’re crushing on? We were just talking a couple days ago about our next visit, actually. If I can financially, I'm probably coming up to see her for her birthday again, as that's when I have a decent break from school. Speaking of which, how many people are you crushing on right now? Lol I mean it's been just shy of two years, a "crush" doesn't cut it. Have you ever played Super Mario Bros. for Nintendo DS? Was it fun? No, actually. I didn't grow up playing Mario games. What exactly is your favorite gaming system? Do you have this system? The PS2. It had a giant graphical leap, contains SOOOOO many goodies, and you can still play PS1 games on it. How often do you talk on the phone? Who do you talk with the most? Very very rarely, pretty much only ever with my mom or dad. I hate talking on the phone. Do you normally do what other people around you want you to do? Depends. What does your trick-or-treat bag or pail look like? I don't have one anymore, but it used to be an orange, plastic jack-o-lantern. How old will you turn on your next birthday? 24... wow. What are your plans to celebrate? Probably just go out to dinner with family. What floor do you live on? I only have one floor. Do you have a balcony? No. What is your favorite fall drink, if you had to pick just one? None. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? I've never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? I'm pretty sure I was in my entire school career... Damn dude, proud. Were you a straight A student in math? HA hell no. I could get a C sometimes. Were you abused or do you know anyone who was abused? I wasn't, but I know people. Are you a Democrat or Republican, or neither? Neither. Independent. Who would take care of you if you needed surgery? My mom and dad, as far as bills go. Do you think you have an accent? Not really. Sometimes you can hear it, though. Have you been told you have an accent? Only when I was younger. I had a SERIOUS one. My family in NY couldn't even understand me sometimes, lmao. Where do you live (country or state)? North Carolina. If you could start a church, what would it be like? I wouldn't. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Nah. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Get a goddamn stable job. Do you know what your purpose in life is? Spreading the love and respect of animals and conservation. If you live in an apartment, what is the maintenance man’s name? N/A What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? Hypothetically, if I had/wanted kids, I'd enjoy carving pumpkins with them, obviously taking them trick-or-treating, autumnal crafts would be fun together, and watching Halloween/scary films appropriate to their age would be a nice experience. I'd decorate the house with them. Oh, a hayride would be cool together, I love those. AND DON'T FORGET JUMPING INTO LEAF PILES! I have a lot of ideas for someone who doesn't want to be a mom. Have you ever seen a fox? Yeah. At least one alive, a handful as roadkill. What color are the squirrels where you live? Brown. What do the trees look like where you live? Pine trees. Pine trees. What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? I really enjoyed the trip to Beaufort to an island of wild horses. The water was rough that day, and goddamn... watching the ocean in its aggression was unbelievable. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? UM, DID ANY KID NOT????? Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Gimme a science museum and I'm SOLD. What are three issues you are passionate about? GAY RIGHTS, wildlife and nature conservation, women's rights and the pro-choice argument. What are three countries you have no desire to visit? North Korea, Iraq, and... uh... idk. I guess the Middle East in general. That shit's rough. Do you like your country’s flag? Sure? Stars r dope? Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? NO. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Oh. My. God. When I was on three Klonopin a day (I'm now on just one and don't even take it every day), I literally could not function. There was one day in particular (I was on three very briefly bc of this) where I just slept until evening. I physically could not stay awake. I remember I was in the middle of watching a Game Grumps' Mario playthrough, and I'd only last like, ten minutes before I HAD to lie back down, and I'd fall back asleep in like, a minute. That was one of the most awful days ever, I was miserable. Do you like bath bombs? Sure, they're pretty. Who is your favorite neighbor? I don't actually know any. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? He's not very small, I think he's at about a million and a half subs, but Timmy Timato is so fucking iconic. He is an Actual Mood. I have no interest in what he actually posts; I just watch for him. As well, Johnny Paranormal is cool; he's a fuckin awesome guy and is chill and relaxing to watch. I don't watch him religiously, though. Rarely, actually. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? HAVE U HEARD OF????? THE MARKIPLIER GUY??????? What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? I think it was the Pussycat Dolls, fuck off, don't say shit 2 me "Buttons" is still dope. Do you like Disney movies? Blocked & reported if you don't. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Man idk, I enjoy a lot. I enjoyed The Avengers, and Logan REALLY tugged at my heart. Do you have any credit card debt? I don't have a credit card. Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? No. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off? Probably like... two days, lmao. It's not like I have a lot of experience. Have you ever been scammed? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? It's fine. Do you struggle with acne? No, not anymore. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? RP is definitely the "strangest." Have you ever fostered an animal? No. Are you the clubbing type? Definitely not. Never been, not interested. Bar goer? No. I don't trust strangers + alcohol, and I'd be really scared of being hit on. Song you can’t stand? I don't think there's a song I've heard that I hate more than "Welcome To The Machine" by Pink Floyd. Well, correction, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. That autotuned to all fuck voice is just... major ew. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Jason is. Well, if he looks the same as last time I saw him, which was in 2017. Juan doesn't look half bad. Aaron's cute. What is unattractive about them? Jason: fucking communication skills. Juan: his reckless streak. Aaron: nothing that I know of, he's a sweetie and on a great path. Your hottest ex’s name starts with the letter what? J. Pick two highlighter colors: Yellow, Pink, Blue, Purple, Orange. Pink and orange. Has anyone ever written on you? Who hasn't been written on by friends with markers as a kid? Have you ever dated a fat person? Yes. Have you ever dated someone with a fine ass body? I mean this with total respect and love towards her: Sara's body is genuinely sexy. Her figure is amazing. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for? Yeah, for prom, as well as my sister's wedding. Do you welcome people back when they say they have returned? Yes. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream? I fucking hate whipped cream. How long would it take you to walk to the nearest fire hydrant? I've never paid attention, actually... Do you own anything that has the words or picture of ‘mustache’? Well my Mark tribute tat has the Iconic pink mustache on it, and the texting screen background on my phone is also a pink mustache collage-y thing lmao. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up? Yeah, sometimes. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? On a burger. How would you feel marrying the man you love who has already a son? I don't love a man, and I wouldn't marry anyone with a kid. Have you ever played Roller Coaster Tycoon? What did you think of it? No, but I had SeaWorld Tycoon or whatever it was called. I loved that game. When you are chopping onions, does it really affect your eyes personally? I've never cut an onion myself, but when I'm in the proximity of someone doing it, I feel mild irritation. How long can you hold your breath for? Is there anyone who is better? Idk, I don't feel like testing it. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name? I couldn't even try to guess. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Do you enjoy mayonnaise with French fries? Why or why not? Um that sounds disgusting. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? Actually, he warned me that he can and he was nervous about me ever seeing it. I, thank Christ, never witnessed it, though. I would've broken the fuck down, I can't handle angry men. What was the topic discussed in the last meeting you attended? I don't know the last time I went to a "meeting." Honestly, when’s the last time you genuinely liked someone? Now. Are you Team Jacob, Team Edward, or you just don’t care? I've never been into Twilight, but I find Jacob way more attractive. Do you like it when questions are long and make you think? Yes. Have you ever had love at first sight happen to you? No. Do you think Avatar is really all that great? I'm assuming you mean the movie and not TLA? I never saw the full thing, but I would love it. Love or trust? Trust, I think. You can't love someone in a healthy fashion if you don't trust them. What do you think about sexting? Not about that personally. That'd be so awkward. Have you ever done it? Those days where RP mating scenes on YouTube were over private message, timeskipping wasn't a thing... oh boy. It WAS uncomfortable. Would you ever swim with dolphins? Yeah! Have you ever believed a stereotype? Probably at some point. Have you ever tried marijuana? No, though tbh I probably would (but not through smoking it) for anxiety and panic attacks if it was legal in my state. Is there any reason you should be in jail right now? Can you go to jail for illegally downloading, or it is just a fine? Idk. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard? I mean, it was decent. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken? Latin. That shit was so hard. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yes, for panic attacks. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize? Heartbreak. Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Yes, but Mom played a larger role. Did any of the classes you took in high school count towards uni credit? No. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair. Do you plan outfits? "Not unless it’s a special occasion." <<< Are your parents strict? No. Would you go sky diving? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights, and I'd be really scared the parachute wouldn't deploy. Who sits behind you in your math class? Quite honestly, a bitch. She always has shit to say under her breath. Do you have good vision? No, it's awful. When was the last time you watched a show for people younger than you? Last I was with Sara. We're watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together. Have you ever snuck someone into your house before? No. Is there something your significant other does that bothers you completely? She's competitive and admits to it. A lot, particularly in writing, is a "mine needs to be better" thing. When was the last time you kissed someone on the cheek? When I saw my niece and nephew at my nephew's birthday party. How many best friends do you have? One. Did you ever get bullied as a child or were you the bully? Neither. Would you rather eat grape or strawberry jelly or jam? GRAPE. I hate strawberry jam/jelly. Do your parents ever send you to do their grocery shopping for them? No. Do you know anyone who has a speech impediment? I don't think I do personally. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was like... 11-12 or so, maybe? Possibly younger? Have you ever had a significant other who hit you? Fuck no. Do you own any exercise machines? No. Do you still leave/receive voicemails? If I need to, sure. School leaves me voicemails sometimes if I miss a call. Do you live in your hometown? No. Are you a festive person? Do you enjoy holidays? Not very festive, but I mean, I enjoy 'em. Did you/Will you attend college? I'm back in college now!! You’re feeling down - do you listen to sad music or happy? Sad. Listening to music fitting my mood helps me feel related to and not alone. You’re looking for some new music - what’s your preferred way to discover? YouTube recommendations. Do you watch the news? No. What hooks you to a television show? The most important thing is A GOOD PLOT!!! It needs to be really interesting to me, bc I do NOT get into shows easily. As for funny shows, they need to be fuuuuunny. I don't think I could ever get "hooked" on a show again, though. I just don't watch TV. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Yes. On the morphine occasion, it didn't do jackshit. I don't think they gave me nearly enough. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? The #1 thing that most fits the definition of "skin crawling" to me is seeing a fetus move from outside the stomach, especially the further the mother is along. It's fucking alien-esque and actually makes me scream and panic. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? It can be either. Do you have a dining room in your house? No. Do you know the alphabet in any other languages? Very close to all of German's. I blank and aren't sure on a couple. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever been surfing? No.