#like for awhile i would talk to this one shadowperson in my old bedroom
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Am I. schizophrenic perhaps.
#so for the longest time ive been aware of ''things'' about me#for the most part i know theyre not real but its like i cant convince part of my subconscious#i dont see visual hallucinations so i assumed it couldn't be schizophrenia#but its like an EXTREMELY stronger version of the feeling when someone's behind you#but they're in front of me. i mean not directly theyre just like AROUND yk#like for awhile i would talk to this one shadowperson in my old bedroom#i was getting into spiritual stuff at the time so i didnt question it too much? she was sweet i called her roxanne#i could talk to her and she couldnt communicate with words or anything but i would read her emotions if that makes sense#and then for a long time i was fairly confident that the ghost of the twin brother i feel like i should have had would follow me#nothing malevolent just like. he was there. and he could communicate more clearly but it was still with scattered abstract thoughts#i knew this was weird but again. I've been pagan for a few years and there was a point where i thought this was something supernatural#i recently started talking to my boyfriend about it and yeah. the more i talk the more i realize this is probably a symptom not a power#anyway I've started having nights where before i go to bed it kinda gets a little intense#so here's the deal: i can add things but i can't really take them away#so if i accidentally imagine hmmm lets say smarf from too many cooks at my doorway. hes gonna stick around for a bit.#apparently until morning at least. previously they havent lasted this long#its almost worse when its light out because i can very clearly see that theres nothing there and that its not based in any reality#oh great i just moved to the bathroom and its at this doorway now. thats fun. thats cool. not at all terrifying.#anywho. i can add things too but it takes a little effort to get it started#so like if i create a superhero to stand here and convince myself that he'll keep that fucking cat puppet at bay then he will#last night thats what i did (with help from my bf bc hes not here and its the second best way to keep my tired self calm)#idk this morning im just really thinking. this cannot be normal and healthy.#when i get back to college i think ill try to get some mental health screening done#again its hardly ever malevolent and im always aware on some level that its all in my head#but I'd like to try to find out if its anything diagnosable bc then i can make sure it doesnt get worse#this post is just me processing and hopefully documenting the start of me figuring this out#i should probably have a tag for this if im gonna document it here#into the mind of ram#that works#idk i just hope this goes somewhere and maybe can help someone in the future if they're going through something similar
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