#idk this morning im just really thinking. this cannot be normal and healthy.

[randomcontentdude]

I just woke up and its 1am, for the little time I was able to escape being awake I had to deal with this situation anyways, I dreamt of him. I am hurting right now, quite a bit. I am replaying everything and trying to figure where I went wrong, but did I ever go wrong? what was my mistake, what was the thing that lead to this outcome?

I can't help but wonder, what would have been enough for him to decide it was worth trying? It breaks me to imagine this carefully crafted person I made up in my mind going around with other men, it just breaks my heart.

I don't want to give any explanations, and I am just overwhelmed by the way things went. I am in shambles, I don't want to do anything but I know that if I give up myself into this feeling it won't take me anywhere productive, I can't stop. But also I cannot keep going with my life as if nothing happened, how could I have miscalculated so badly? this wasn't in my playbook and now im shocked. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Nothing makes sense and I feel like even tho I am older than him for exactly a week, I am a clueless child and he is an adult.

It has been a while since I made peace with the idea of never having a partner and if im honest it didn't really bothered me, but, I am still hurted this didn't go my way, because I really liked him and I felt I was never going to like someone the way I liked him. I juts feel like I want to lock myself in and never go into society again, im a joke. and there's so many things I don't understand, here where I start to believe and get insecure about the way I look, or maybe its my personality that drives them away, or maybe its my ambition what scares them but I. don't. fucking. know. I think im good looking, I think im funny and smart, and I think I am a good influence or help to those unsure of what to do. Yet I feel I always get flushed and I am not understanding why, I am pretty normal and im not smelly, my acne is under control and even if I don't have a glass skin, I feel like mine looks pretty nice, it looks healthy. My body is looking proportional and even defined in some parts. I just dont get it anymore, idk what is wrong with me, I don't get why im never enough.

It's always me the one that fooled around but then decide to get discarded and even though I have wondered multiple times, I have no idea of what's wrong, what am I doing wrong? am I too nice? why can't I be treated the way I want to be treated.

All I can picture in my head is all the time at the clubs when I've had other boys kissing and touching me, and then I was enough, but never enough to get a text the next morning. What is up with me? WHAT SHOULD I HVE DONE FOR HIM TO CHOOSE ME? When I saw him the first time I felt I could die, and it is quite literally documented here that I was going crazy for him, why, why couldn't he like me enough? I feel like im never going to be capable of liking someone ever again, he just really felt like the one but I guess I was wrong, I am always wrong.

[elysianslove]

hi eli bby !! its me vio again shhshf

i loved ur vball player crush hcs w miya twins && suna and can i have that too w sakusa, semi && shirabu ? MY UNDERRATED BOYS CRIES SM <//3 thank u sm <33

hiiiii my love!!! tysm for requesting these boys i love them so much. i hope you like this lysm <3

sakusa kiyoomi 

considering what i’ve seen in the anime, and some manga panels, i really don’t think omi’s a peoples person. so even in school, i doubt he was very involved with other students, and probably kept to himself 

he’s also hyper-aware of his surroundings constantly, including the people around him, so the fact that he noticed you wasn’t a shock

it’s that he noticed you, and then he couldn’t stop thinking about you

probably had some dream about you that same night that cursed him with a crush on you yk the dreams i’m talking about right? 

he still continues to keep to himself, and whenever he spots you from his peripheral vision he just dashes out of there. he realizes that forcing himself to act normally around you might actually improve his situation and help him get over whatever this stupid crush was but he was not taking any chances

he also knew nothing about you, just your last name! 

so anyways both the boys and girls vbc’s are heading the same school, so they got one bus for the both of you and combined them. 

because his general dislike for crowds, omi usually sits out in the front, especially because the door to the bus is right next to him. idk he just seems like the kind to map out an escape plan for every room/vehicle he enters i don’t have a reason why i think so

the game was happening on a weekend, really early, like way too early, so it wasn’t a surprise that you were tired. it’s an unspoken rule that those who sit in the back make a lotta noise and all that, so you opted for the front seats instead to at least try and rest a bit before the game

you don’t sit directly next to him, but there’s only an aisle separating the two of you

because, yk, manners, you give him a small smile before saying, “good morning!” and settling in your seat, your bag between your legs

omi on god freezes up lmfao

he doesn’t mean to sound so rude but it just comes out that way! he says something along the lines of “what are you doing here?” and immediately regrets it after it leaves his lips. he visibly cringes 

but instead of being thrown off, you just laugh, and sakusa curses everything behind his mask because holy shit were you gorgeous and wow was his stomach just somersaulting 

not a nice feeling 

you explain to him briefly that you’re on the vbc and you were heading to play the girls of the same school he was gonna play against and all that, and he just hums and nods and tries to ignore the thump thump thump of his heart 

you don’t really interact during the bus ride going to, it’s coming back that you do 

you tell him that you managed to glimpse the last bit of his game, where he was landing a spike, and you complimented his skills and pointed out his freakish wrist move 

he noted that he didn’t get to see you play and your brain went opportunity! 

you go “well maybe you should come to one of my dates” like the absolute smooth talker you are 

omi just hums and goes “i’ll see” 

absolutely is there lol

the development into a relationship is more implicit than explicit. the two of you don’t announce to the world, but honestly, neither do you do it to yourselves. like you’d been on a coffee date with him at some point and your parent or sibling texted something you found funny and mentioned him as your boyfriend and you showed it to him and he was like

hm

am i your boyfriend 

like idk am i your girlfriend 

he said yeah obviously 

i love this boy so fucking much pleaseeeee

but yes just as your development into a couple is subtle, so is your overall relationship. and honestly? you wouldn’t have it any other way

semi eita

omg pretty setter semi eeee

so yk how shiratorizawa students live in dorms? there’s no way semi hasn’t noticed you before, even if it’s separate dorms for different genders. like you two probably come across each other every once in a while at a vending machine or something, and exchange a word or two 

it’s not until when semi starts to look forward to seeing you, or when he gets disappointed every time you don’t make an appearance, that he realizes, you know, he’s kinda developed a liking to you

he doesn’t really know much about you, aside your name and your favorite go-to snack from the vending machine, so he’s left a little frustrated at the lack of interactions you two have. like he’s just living off that small laugh of acknowledgment and the hi, hope you sleep well! you know? like he wants more from you. he wants to get to know you

he can’t seem to ever see you in school either, because the stars hate him that much and don’t wanna align for the two of you, not even a little to share one class with him. just one

it’s just his luck, though, when a busy weekend for all the sports teams comes along, and each sport is sectioned off to a bus. volleyball boys and girls in one bus, swimming boys and girls in one bus, etc. 

he really doesn’t expect it when you get on the bus, because what the fuck you play volleyball??? and then he really doesn’t expect it when you recognize him, gasp and grin, and wave at him, and go over to sit by him

his brain’s short-circuiting 

you immediately start conversation as you’re setting your bag down like “i didn’t know you played volleyball!”

and he laughs and nods like “i didn’t know you did either” 

it’s honestly a really cute and satisfying moment like okay maybe the stars were just taking their time aligning thank you universe 

the two of you click immediately. like annoyingly so. you have so much in common, and you spend the entire ride chatting excitedly about everything and semi’s wishing he’d just asked you to hang out way sooner, like as early as the first time you’d met at that vending machine 

the girls’ games finish a lot later than the boys, so he comes and watches you play, and is enamored by you, completely. in his head he’s just ‘this girl just keeps growing more perfect.’

he walks back with you to the bus, and sits next to you as well. when you arrive back at the school, you don’t immediately go to your dorms, and he suggests grabbing a refreshing drink from somewhere nearby

it’s incredible how you still have so much to talk about 

the time passes really quick with him

it’s while you’re having that drink with him, probably iced tea or boba or something, he tells you about his small passion for music, and you make him promise to play you something at some point. he loops his pinky with yours :)

he also confides in you about having been replaced on his last year, and how he tries not to let it affect him but he really can’t help him. from then on, after each of your practices, you invite him in your gym, and have him set to you, just so you both have an excuse to spend time with each other, and so that he gets to practice and play the way he really wants to, without any restrictions placed upon him and no one waiting to take his place

i think as a couple you’d probably really bring out the best in each other, and you’re constantly always, always there for each other. really, really reliant and supportive as partners, you know? 

you go to all his games, and whenever he’s pitched in, you scream his name the loudest and cheer him on so much. one look at your face, and he’s reminded of who he is and why he does what he does, and he’s immediately grounded aw <3

shirabu kenjirō

omg shirabu with a crush 🥺🤲🏼 i love it when characters seem so cold and standoffish but as soon as they’re around the people they care about they do a 180. that’s shirabu 100%

he really, really, really liked you. like it was embarrassing at this point. he totally denied it every time anyone even thought it, and he really tried his hardest not to be obvious around you

i like to think he saw you around school and that’s how it developed a little, but maybe you were friends with some of the vbc boys because of your shared interest in the sport, and you come to play with them sometimes after practice, he’d just never be there

but one time you walked in and he was like guess im not leaving 

he was a little starstruck at the fact that you played volleyball. he honestly wouldn’t care, but it sorta felt nice that there really was something that you two had in common

and you were good. at everything. you received semi and ushijima’s serves, and goshiki’s and ōhira’s spikes, perfectly, and reacted to tendō’s blocks so well, and hit his tosses just right. you were incredible. maybe your skills were magnified from his specific lens, but there really was no denying you were skilled 

damn this. all this. 

especially any time you’d spike his toss and give him a really wide smile and say, “nice toss!” like seriously the way his heart’s spasming cannot be healthy what the fuck 

and then he finds out the girls are sharing a bus with them, and then you walk in

and then you walk towards him

obviously, outwardly he looks unimpressed and unfazed but trust, his palms are sweaty as fuck 

before the bus moves, you stand by his seat and make small talk with him about volleyball, before you realize the bus is moving and you have to sit down, but you’re still in the middle of a conversation with him, so you just sit next to him and continue like nothing happened

he just. allows it. 

the school you’d been going to had a really big court where both the girls and boys were playing in the same gymnasium on opposite sides of the court, so when you arrived and changed and all, you were like “wanna warm up together” couple goals <3

pls semi, taichi and tendō would probably tease the fuck out of him lmfao. he’d just glare at them but he has such a big blush on his cheeks as he stretches and warms up with you that the glare is completely ineffective 

you go to sit next to him on the bus ride home, but the day’s exhaustion catches up to you, plus the bus’s movements are lulling you, so you end up falling asleep on his shoulder, and when shirabu first notices that you’d actually fallen asleep, he looks down at you with such a dreamy and awestruck face. goshiki took a picture and likes to torment him with it. shirabu has it as his lockscreen now lol 

as your boyfriend, he’s the exact same. very standoffish to everyone outwardly but to you? it’s a different story. 

nonetheless it’s not very obvious. so yes, he will have a scowl on his face as he tells you off, but his lips are slightly upturned and there’s a little pink shade on his cheeks that show just how endearing he thinks you are 

really loves to practice with you because he loves seeing you in your zone like that. also you look hot

anyways yes he’s such a cutie i will not take criticism 

[justauthoring]

I Don’t Wanna Die Alone [Xavier Plympton]

Request(s): I would like to request a Xavier Plympton x reader kind of angsty. So for plot I would like of Xavier and the reader had a pre-established relationship and it's a healthy relationship. They get along well and genuinely love one another. I would like the reader to get killed or seriously hurt and for Xavier to find them. Xavier desperately trying to help but knowing there is nothing he can do. If the reader is just hurt maybe he can lay with them as they hear jingles walking towards them. Thanks!

can you do one with xavier where the reader hits her head badly trying to run and dies in xavier’s arms at camp redwood. idk if you’ve watched teen wolf or not but maybe like vibes from the scene where allison died. ???

Hi hello I would like to request an Xavier/Reader fic where Xavier witnesses reader’s death, and how that affects him when interacting with reader in the camp as ghosts. Relationship is your choice but my vote is on romantic :)

Requested by: @redama

Pairing: Xavier Plympton x Reader

Word Count: 1,974

Notes: ya’ll, as much as i will always love evan, seeing an edit of this dude is what made me wanna watch ahs in the first place and i feel so fucking satisfied to finally be able to write for him lol. i literally just finished 1984 and i cannot help but write right now even tho im sick and have work early in the morning. so appreciate my dedication here :)

Please don’t plagiarize my work!

It felt like your lungs were on fire. Your body was screaming at you to stop, but your mind kept reminding you of why you couldn’t -- because if you did, he’d find you and kill you.

You just had to have a shower; you couldn’t just listen to Margaret and wait until the morning. Or at least, accept Xavier’s offer to join you. That way you wouldn’t be alone right now, running from a crazed murderer. And Jesus, you barely had time to even get dressed. Your hair was a soaking wet mop on top of your head and all you had on was your shorts and bra; the fucking asshole didn’t even give you time to put on your shoes.

All you wanted was Xavier. Part of you, maybe you were going crazy, would be satisfied dying if it meant getting to die with Xavier. Not alone. If you were going to die, which it really felt like you were going to you, you didn’t want to do it alone. 

You’d tried screaming, louder then you ever had before. Your throat was raw but it seemed no one could hear you; which sucked ass. You hadn’t thought you were that far from the cabins, but apparently you were farther then you thought because there was no one coming to save you. Absolutely no one. All you could count on was your years of track in High School and pray that got you far enough that you could at least find someone.

Or out run Mr. Jingles. That’d be great to. Find a place to hide, something.

Taking a sharp turn to the right, you hiss lightly at your arm scraping against a branch. It stings and you allow yourself a moment to glance down at the now bleeding scratch on your arm before pushing it to the back of your mind, focusing your attention on your steps and where to take them. The entire forest felt like a damned maze and you were clearly lost without any knowledge on how to get to either the road or back to Camp Redwood.

You were starting to feel like you were going crazy. Insane. Something of the like. Your heart was beating a mile per minute and your skin was clammy with sweat and you just wanted to sleep. You wanted to be in Xavier’s arms, laying comfortably against his chest while he held you close. 

A sudden scream pulls you from your thoughts. It causes you to halt, coming to a sudden and sharp stop as you turn your head sharply over your shoulder. You expect to hear footsteps, another screaming, something but for a moment, it’s just silence. Complete and utter silence. All you can hear is your own rapid breath and the sound of the adrenaline pumping in your veins from the absolute terror running through your entire body.

And then, it’s just faint, you hear your name. Someone’s calling out for you.

“Y/N! Y/N! Where are you! Are you okay?”

That’s... That’s Xavier!

Eyes widening with hope, you feel your lips twitching into just the faintest of smiles, thinking that if anyone will be able to save you, it’ll be him. You move to turn, your lips parting to call out for Xavier in return. However, you don’t hear the approaching footsteps or notice the figure that falls to your left. You don’t, at least, until there’s a sharp pain in your left shoulder. Your lips part, a gasp falling past your lips as you start up into the face of none other then Mr. Jingles.

He rips the knife out of your shoulder, and you stumble back in response, your hand shakily raising to fall over the wound. You glance down briefly, watching the blood pool your skin, before turning back to Mr. Jingles.

“Please...” You breathe shakily, “don’t--!”

You never get to finish your stomach before he stabs you again; this time directly in your stomach. Your knees grow weak beneath you and as he mercilessly pulls the knife from you once more, you no longer have the strength to hold yourself up. You hit the ground with a thud, a whimper leaving your lips as your vision blurs. 

Mr. Jingles crawls over you, knees on either side of you as he easily pushes your head to the side, revealing your ear to him. With a almost mocking gentleness he brushes your hair back, taking the top of your ear and slicing it right off. Somehow you have the strength to scream; it piercing the silence of the forest as Mr. Jingles simply stands up, with his price, and stalks off.

He just leaves you there.

It feels like hours, but can’t be more than a few moments, you just graveling on the ground, before another figure falls next to you. You assume it to be Mr. Jingles, coming to finish the job quicker then he’d originally intended and you don’t have the strength to fight or scream or even really cry. But then warm arms are pulling you into a lap and you blink, glancing up to meet Xavier’s piercing blue eyes staring back down at you.

Except, his eyes are flooded with welling tears as he gets a good look at you.

“X-Xavier...”

“Y/N... Oh, God... Oh, God, Y/N--!”

Shaking your head, your lips part to speak, but you find yourself choking on your own blood, it pooling around your mouth. Your body jerks in response, Xavier desperately attempting to apply pressure to your wounds but you know it’s useless.

You raise your hand, settling it over his own with a shaky determination. Your action pulls his eyes on you and with your eyes glossing over, you smile up at him. “I... I love you...”

Your body falls limp in his hands then.

“Y/N... Y/N, Y/N, wake up!” Xavier finds the words pouring from his lips, unable to think rationally as he desperately tries to shake you back awake. But, of course, nothing words. And eventually, he ends up just pulling you close, curling you up against him as a sob breaks past his lips.

Montana finds him moments later.

“Xavier, we have-- oh, shit, Y/N! No, no, no!”

Finally pulling his gaze up, Xavier meets Montana’s gaze through a blurred vision. “I was too late,” he whispers, voice a raspy imitation of how he normally sounds. “He got to her before I... I couldn’t save her...”

Montana’s lips part to say something, but she finds herself speechless. Her heart wrenches at the thought of you dead, given that the two of you had always been close, and she’s never quite seen Xavier so... helpless. She wants to say something to comfort him, but doesn’t know what. And seeing you, lifeless in his arms, hurts her just as much.

However, before she can dwell on it much longer, the sound of keys jingling echoes.

“Oh, fuck!” Montana curses, pushing herself up to her feet desperately and latching onto Xavier’s arm. “Come on, Xav. We got to go. We got to go!”

“No, no!” Xavier cries, holding onto your body tighter. “I’m not leaving her here.”

“We have to go!”

“I’m not leaving her here!”

“Look at me, look at me!” Grabbing Xavier tightly by the cheeks, Montana pulls his gaze sharply on her own. “Y/N wouldn’t want you to die like this, okay? She’d want you to live! She’d want you to survive. We both know it!” Breathless, Xavier stays silent, unable to argue with Montana. “So, we have to go!”

One glance down at you and Xavier knows she’s right.

Shakily, he eases his grip on you, setting you gently back on the ground and moving to stand up. However, before he does, he slips his jacket off, placing it over you as to cover you the best he can. “Okay,” he whispers, voice broken. “Let’s go.”

-

“You’re gonna have to talk to me eventually.”

Xavier stays silent, back turned to you as he stares out blankly in front of him.

Sighing, you shake your head, daring to take another step forward. “We are stuck here for eternity, Xav.” You remind softly, continuing to walk forward more and more. You don’t stop until you’re directly behind Xavier, making sure he can’t run off like he has all times before. You’re desperate for him to finally face you. “You can’t just ignore me.”

“Why do you even want to talk to me in the first place?”

Jerking your head back in surprise -- at both the fact that this is the first time Xavier’s spoke to you since you’d woken up from death and his actual words -- you blink at the back of Xavier’s head. However, soon enough he’s spinning to face you, his eyes finally meeting your own as he shakes his head at you. You find yourself also surprised at the tears in his eyes.

Gathering yourself, you shake your head; “what’re you talking about?”

“You died!” He calls out, causing you to furrow your brows. Huffing, he clarifies himself; “you died because of me.”

Lips parting, you move to respond, but find yourself unable to. Is that what he thinks? That he killed you? He must’ve lost his damn mind because you know for a fact that it was Mr. Jingles who killed you. The fact that he actually blames himself... you feel your heart twist uncomfortably, shaking your head desperately as you reach out for Xavier. He only steps back from your touch causing your arms to fall by your side helplessly.

“Is that what you think?” You whisper, never tearing your gaze off his own. “Xav, you didn’t kill me... Mr. Jingles did.”

“I let you go off on your own! I... wasn’t quick enough!” Inhaling sharply, Xavier wipes at his cheeks desperately, trying to hide the tears that profusely fall down his cheeks. Then, he gathers himself enough to utter one last sentence, a broken whisper. “I didn’t protect you.”

You step forward, reaching out for Xavier. This time he doesn’t pull away, shoulders slumping as your hands move to cup his cheeks, shaking your head repeatedly. “You did protect me,” you whisper, “you always did. And I didn’t die because of you. I died because of some pathetic man. I ran off to have a shower, I didn’t let you come with me... So, please,” letting your thumb stroke his cheek softly, you smile up at him. “Just... kiss me.”

Xavier’s resolve slowly falls with each word. By the end of it, his tears have halted and he finds himself stunned by your forgiveness. He finds his hands reaching out for you, desperate for your touch as his hands fall on your waist, pulling you flush against him.

“You want me to kiss you?”

“I’ve never wanted you to kiss me more than I have now.”

A smirk crawls onto his lips and slowly but surely, Xavier leans down, pressing his lips against your own. The kiss is short, chaste, but it means everything to you. Able to hold Xavier like this again means everything to you. Your arch into his touch, your hand sliding up the back of his neck as you moan into the kiss, Xavier returning it with just as much ferocity.

It’s been so long since you’ve been able to kiss him like this.

Pulling back, Xavier leans his forehead against your own, breathless. “I’ve missed you...”

“Well,” you smile lightly, leaning back to meet his gaze. “Like I said, we have all of eternity here... You’ll never have to miss me again.”

Xavier’s faint smile turns into a grin.

“I like the sound of that.”

-

Let me know what you thought?

[hyyunjinn]

Things I Love About Stray Kids (2/∞)

a/n: hello, this is gonna be a series now because 1) I’m really happy this week, like I legit haven’t been this genuinely happy in a long time and 2) I love them more than I thought sO HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Chan

okay, this is sad but, the fact that he believes he’s the only one who carries the team? he’s blaming himself for the eliminations and didn’t even want to rejoice with everyone else because he wanted them to forgive him first. like no chan, it was never your fault--you already do so much for the team and everyone knows that. but it’s definitely admirable 

HIS FRIENDSHIP/RELATIONSHIP WITH THE REST OF JYPN IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, PUREST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD U G H HE’S LIKE THE LITTLE BROTHER OF EVERYONE WHILE HE’S ONE OF THE OLDEST IN HIS GROUP LIKE YES WHAT A CONTRAST IT’S SO CUTE

that *O* face he does is super cute yo

hiS CURLY HAIR IS S U C H a look

“i really love you guys”

^^ gave me a heart attack

HIS HAPPY CHEESY SMILE ALSDFJLASDF THAT COMPLETELY LIGHTS UP HIS FACE

his awkwardness lmao 

hello can we have a mini series of chan’s kitchen please

Woojin

“HI HELLO”

^^ HE ALREADY SAID THAT MULTIPLE TIMES AND ALSDFJSD SAME BC IDK IF THAT’S A REF TO DAY6 OR NOT BUT THE WAY HE SAYS IT IS SO CUTE

yo his killing parts in aLL THE SONGS S I G H 

i love watching him perform

um, his model poses are--ACTUALLY ALL OF HIS SELFIES AND NON-OFFICIAL PHOTOS ARE SUPER CUTE YO HE’S CUTE

giving his pizza crust to chan slkfjdasfd

HIS FOREHEAD YO

that dark blue, red cuffed plaid flannel he wore last ep? A BLESSING

he seems so insecure ever since the “not a main vocal” criticism and like? he’s working so hard? so fill up his role because he feels like he doesn’t uphold it? like idk what “not a main vocal” means but i just want everyone to appreciate how much he’s taking care of himself to improve

Minho

HELLO MY BABY IS BACK AND GONNA BE IN THE CENTER FOR THE DANCES AND BE SLAYING YO THIS ISN’T EVEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT SK ANYMORE IT’S ME YELLING ABOUT MINHO’S FXKN COMEBACK BECAUSE DO YOU SEE THE TEASERS FOR NEXT WEEK--SUCH AN AMAZING DANCER I LITERALLY CANNOT TAKE MY EYES OFF OF HIM

SUCH A POWERFUL VISUAL HE ALREADY GOT TWO FANSITES--HYUNJIN IS SHAKING 

he, can dance to Lie, Begin, Dope, Blood Sweat and Tears, Spring Day, idk probably all BTS songs w h a t  t a l e n t

HE EVEN APPEARS LIKE THREE TIMES IN AN OFFICIAL BTS PHOTOBOOK LIKE I STAN A LEGEND

okay but also, we have to talk about that brown jacket/striped shirt look he wore last ep bc it iS C U T E 

he’s also that lowkey weird that if you don’t catch it, you won’t know so he passes off as the normal one of the group and it makes it x4837234 more funnier

did I already say this a millio--I LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM

him giving up on Felix’s Korean

also, the fact that his earrings are just these black circles and tbh it’s sorta hot b y e

bonus: i miss him so much and i really really really i need more content of him and get to know him better before i combust

Changbin

is so willing to help everyone in the group oh man he’s so kind

doesn’t even get mad when everyone picks on him and just goes along with it

I KNOW EVERYONE HAS SAID THIS BUT IT’S AMAZING HOW HE COMPLETELY DESTROYED HIS “DARK CONCEPT” IN THE FIRST EPISODE AND NOW EVERYONE IS JUST LIKE “CHANGBINNIE YOU’RE SO CUTE I LOVE YOU”

goes with the flow of things so well--he gets along with everyone pretty nicely and I think that’s pretty cool

“AH”

tbhlowkeysortadonewithjypbutthatsjustwhatithinksodontquotemeonthis

H I S  B O Y F R I E N D  O U T F I T S man changbin stans how you doin

what was that extra pose when taking a picture like klasjdflskadf 

WHAT WAS THAT POST ICE SKATING DATE PIC WITH HIM ON THE TABLE

Hyunjin

PHOTOGRAPHER!HYUNJIN MY ABSOLUTE FAVE CONCEPT

like laying on the ground for the perfect angle? wHAT A MOOD

wait, fanboy!hyUNJIN WHEN HE JUST OBVIOUSLY STARES AT JINYOUNG OH MY GOSH YOU COULDN’T BE LESS OBVIOUS I LOVE THIS KID

how he wants so badly to improve? i really admire how much effort he’s putting into his rap and it’s really amazing to watch and hear the improvement since hellevator 

“YAH”

he seems like he has his life together and has a pretty nonchalant facade but seeing through the cracks of his insecurities makes him so human and like him so much more than i think i would? 

HE’S ALWAYS DANCING HONESTLY THAT’S SO CUTE WHAT A NERD

UM HIS GIGGLES GET ME EVERY TIME PLEASE STOP A T T A C K I N G ME HONESTLY

ASKLDJF GOTTA BRING THIS BACK BUT WHEN HE JUST SLIDES AND OPENS HIS MOUTH FOR CHAN TO FEED HIM WAS SO FUNNY I’M NOT OVER IT

Jisung

that fKN KILLING PART IN YOUNG WINGS LSKADJFALSDF AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THE LITTLE GIGGLE HE DID AT THE END OF STRAY CUTS 4 

he’s so bright and happy and optimistic everyone needs a Jisung in our lives

casually just smushes his face into the camera so i can see his pretty eyes duh thanks kid

okay but when he was singing that parody of Don’t Wanna Cry he did this little thing to his vOICE THAT SOUNDS SO AMAZING I CAN’T GET OVER IT LIKE LAKSJDFLASDF WTF TA L E N T

he’s so annoying i love him asldkfjasdf like idk if i like him behind the cam and annoying his members or on screen doing something weird honestly probably both

THAT PICTURE CHANGBIN TOOK OF HIM BITING THE CHAIN LSKADFJSDF EWWW LMAO

WOAH WHEN WE SAW A GLIMPSE OF PRODUCER JISUNG THAT WAS SO COOL 

no but seriously? he’s so optimistic and supports everyone and he’s so wonderful and kind and super talented but i think we know that and s i g h i hope ya’ll appreciate this mess of a boy bc OH MY GOSH I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT I LOVE BRACES JISUNG HAHAHAHHAHAHA

Felix

honestly, i really just like his black hair and i think ya’ll should know this 

he’s such a hard worker?? when he showed us the time at 5 in the morning--I have a feeling he stayed up that long rather than waking up at 5 kid don’t do that it’s not healthy but! he’s doing so much and it’s amazing

OKAY BUT LIKE, THAT PLOT TWIST OF THE CENTURY WHEN HE TOLD CHANGBIN TO KISS HIM LIKE ALSKDFJSLDF MINHO WAS SO READY TO STRANGLE HIM ONLY FOR HIM TO BE LIKE “hyung kiss me” alskdjfasldf what is with him

“annyeonghaseyo“ in thAT DEEP VOICE OF HIS BABY OH MAN WHAT A WAY TO COME BACK

his orange smile laskfjdlasdf

him adjusting jeongin’s outfit was so cute hehe

the way he clings onto jisung is super cUTE UGH THEY’RE LIKE ATTACHED BY THE HIP AND IT’S SO CUTE idk if it’s bc they’re a day apart so they’re like “WE’RE TWINS NOW” or bc jisung can speak english apparently? something like that?

i think people forget that he’s more than just a meme and a deep voiced boy? i love watching him practice dancing in the background and like? he’s part of dance line? LET ME SEE HIM DANCE MORE OMG

ASKLDFJSDAFL WHEN HE MESSED UP ON THAT ONE WORD AND MNET HAD TO EDIT IN THE MISSING CHARACTER ASKLDFJSD THAT WAS SO FUNNY YOU WERE SO CLOSE KID

Seungmin

HELLO THIS IS MY UNDERRATED BABY WHO DESERVES THE WORLD bc he’s funny as heck guys why do you not notice this

honestly im gonna say it agaiN: HIS FACIAL EXPRESSIONs especially when he has that dumb dazed look askldfjasdf what a boy

messes around with Jeongin in the back

when he cornered jeongin u H 

he writes things in his journal to improve! and he is! 

i really hope he stands out a little bit more when he performs! i hope he’s working on it! but I also like how if you are a seungmin stan, you’ll notice the small things he does when he performs and it’s like a little secret only people who deserve to know, knows and he knows it’s just between him and his fans saklfjsadf

when he decides to be a lil sht like that one time chan and hyunjin was arguing and he’s just like “we’ll take three ramens and a packet of dumplings” or something like that 

can i just say that his clothing style is probably my favorite because i gush about each outfit he wears like all the time?

he’s so into singing and you can see it every time he does and it’s wonderful

Jeongin

WHEN HE WAS CRINGING BECAUSE OF HIS PARENTS: WHAT A MOOD

WHEN HE GUNNED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF JISUNG’S KILLING PART: WHAT A MOOD PT 2

WHEN HE ESCAPED JISUNG’S WRATH AND RAN TO THE OTHER SIDE AND CHEEKILY WAVED AT HIM: WHAT A MOOD PT 3

his escalator impression was hecka nice

OKAY WE BARELY SAW IT BUT LIKE? THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE FINALLY PRAISING HIM BECAUSE HE SPENT ALL THOSE TIMES PRACTICING BY HIMSELF TO STRENGTHEN HIS VOICE I’M SO PROUD OF HIM 

this baby always has a smile on his face and it’s the most infectious smile ever and i love him i love him please stay as happy as you can be because you deserve everything and more

*screeches* HIS BANDANNA LOOK IN SCHOOL LIFE KLASDJFASD I LOVE IT SO MUCH

when he was all shy shy with all the girls screaming his name at the busking: tag yourself i was the girls spiritually yelling his name

hAH I ALSO SEE THE BLACKPINK FANBOY IN HIM OHOHO THAT’S SUPER CUTE 

[togcpi]

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?it’d be weird because i’m ace but i wouldnt mind tbh

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? we’re close friends. it was a recent kiss so?

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? like heroin or meth? probably. but like pot or smth idc.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? yes. its seven letters.

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? drunk

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? every conversation i have hahahaha

7. What does your last received text say? miss u too

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? fuck if i know

9. Where was your last kiss at? my bed

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? don’t have a sister

11. What do you drink in the morning? typically an energy drink

12. Where did you sleep last night? the extra bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard? yeah, but the right one is worth it, IF you can make it work

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? yeah, i’d probably make myself more clear

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? nah, we’d have a lot of fun

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? warm and thunderstorming

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? nah. i know a lot of people with elise as their middle name and i knew a girl who’s first name was serenity, but no one’s got the MIDDLE name serenity

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? sweatpants

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? damn hopefully

20. Does anyone like you? i think so

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? ya.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? yes lmao

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? there are a couple

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? i have two and i’m working on saving up for my third so yes

25. In the past week have you cried? i’ve gotten teary eyed but i havent cried cried in like a year lmao

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? on tv: pitbull. irl: whatever the fuck my weirdo mutt is

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? out of

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? nah

29. Do you think you’re old? nope im a baby

30. Do you like text messaging? yes cause then i can ghost if i need to

31. What type of day are you having? it was fine

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? i have my septum pierced and i’ve had my nostril so yes

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? warm

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? oh yeah, my two best friends are both dudes

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? my ace ass? take a guess.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? depends on the day

37. What song are you listening to? i’m watching homeward bound

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? yes, i rarely apologize without meaning it 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? lmao nah.  40. What made you start liking the person you like now? idk she’s funny as hell. fucking gorgeous. she reciprocated. she’s always been too good for me, and that just made me want to be good enough for her all the more.  41. When did you last receive a text message? 11:37 pm (an hour and 13 minutes ago) 42. What is wrong with you right now? lmao i’m stuck on someone who loves me but isn’t healthy enough to be with me. it’s a fucking mess. 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? pretty well! we dated. we’ve gotten closer since we broke up. there’s a lot i don’t know, but we tell each other things we don’t tell anyone else. 44. Does anyone disgust you? lmao yah 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? bitch yes 46. Are you in a good mood right now? not really i have a headache 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? my brother i think 48. What color shirt are you wearing? a grey redford shirt (support your local psp by checking out our signature brand of dog food, comparable to taste of the wild and blue buffalo but at a more affordable price :~)) 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? nah not really 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? i’m fucking trying 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? no. i’m in love with her ass.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? ......... 53. Do you like rain? yes 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? considering i’m not a controlling, abusive piece of shit, no lmao 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? nah i usually end up telling the person 56. Do you like to cuddle? yes on a good day. i actually prefer to have my hair played with tho 57. Are you shy? nah 58. Do you get along with girls? yes  59. Have you dated the person you texted last? yes 60. What do you carry with you at all times? my cell phone, my wallet with my keys, my smile :) 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? fuck yeah. i got loans to pay off shit 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? with the right person, yes 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? oct 31, yah 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? FUCK yes 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? i mean my cat’s been chillin and that’s always cute. love ha.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 18, 19, and 19

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? if i have money to spend, pay to get em done    68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? neither the fuck 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? i had a “stop bigotry” anti trump sticker but someone stole it :(     70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? neither     71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? iphone     72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? a couples weeks ago    73. Do you like diet soda? FUCK no. the saccharine is just as bad for you as the sugar and it makes me jittery AND it tastes disgusting    74. What color are the walls in your room? green. ugly.    75. Are you 16 or older? yes    76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? no    77. Do you have a job? yes      78. What are your initials? esb    79. Did you ever have braces? nah    80. Are you from the south? im from va which is technically south but i dont count it :/   

81. What does your last status on facebook say? let’s MCFREAKIN LOSE IT (about my mitski concert tickets)    82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? kinda but not really. we talked about trying to date again but then she disappeared off the face of the planet lmao    83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? used to be dad, but i haven’t seen him since like feburary cause he’s a mess. so its mom.    84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? no    85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? get out i think. or rogue one. whatever came out later.    86. Do you smoke? socially    87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? flip flops     88. Is your phone touch screen? yah    89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? however it combs out (wavy ish)    90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? no my mom dgaf if i leave    91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? pool. i do not fuck with bodies of water other than the ocean, pools, and bathtubs.     92. Have you ever made out in a car? yes    93. …Had sex in a car? no    94. Are you single or in a relationship? who the fuck knows.    95. What were you doing last night at midnight? idr the fcuk     96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? probably fourth of july last year     97. Do you like the camera on your phone? yeah its fine     98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? no    99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? no    100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? idts    101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? yeah but like a fake one. i thought it was divine conception or whatever. i’m a lesbian lmao    102. Name your favorite Kesha song: tik tok    103. Do you have any tan lines right now? nah idts    104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? for money or laughs, yes probably  

[evakaname]

tagged by @uchihanochidori

♦ AGE: 26 (I know, I’m old TOO :P)

♦ BIGGEST FEAR: Losing my parents/getting sicker/death... pick one

♦ CURRENT TIME: 11:50 pm

♦ DRINK YOU LAST HAD: herbal tea

♦ EVERY MORNING STARTS WITH: whining, of course, and/or desperately clutching to the latest dream which for sure gets interrupted at the best part like last time when i finally got the hot girl all to myself after a long ass adventure.... meh looks like im still pissed XD

♦ FAVORITE SONG: I for sure cannot decide that... or think of any atm, but my taste is VERY eclectic.

♦ GHOSTS ARE THEY REAL: Fuck u just kicked that jar of worms open. Fine. Here. i reeaaalllyyy wish i could say no with confidence, for only that agrees with my scientific beliefs, but damn i had 2!!! GHOST ENCOUNTERS in my life, one seen by others too, one refused to go away, and please feel free to come to my chat and explain them to me, so i can more easily seal and push it under a rug again and pretend it never happened so i can live in happy ignorance, cuz i to this day cant explain those “events”. I never even believed in them... mocking me then? XD OR its not ghost nor hallucination but then what i dont have such crafty people around in this small old village ...not that it wasnt the most frighteningly BEAUTIFUL thing ever, one with the most BEAUTIFUL voice i cant even compare to anything ive heard EVER, repeating one word over and over, (so yeah i guess i AM nuts after all XD) but it still all doesnt fucking agree with my world-view. So come and prove im just crazy and how collective hallucinations happen. I want an explanation. Wow i got carried away. But lets just forget and live in peace now, again. One either gets obsessed over a mystery or moves on.

♦ IN LOVE WITH: "dreams”

♦ KILLED SOMEONE: hah BIG confession times i see, who even... was this post started by some sneaky agents to trick idiots? :P lol. No. Im innocent on this matter, of course. :P (But really. No.)

♦ LAST TIME YOU CRIED: .... end of YOI s1?... maybe.. idk... rarely.

♦ NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2

♦ ONE WISH: to get HEALTHY!!!! hah, i wish. Perfect wording.

♦ PERSON YOU LAST CALLED/TEXTED: Last called my current main doctor / Last texted my best friend

♦ QUESTIONS YOU ARE ALWAYS ASKED: huh... “how are u feeling” probably

♦ REASONS TO SMILE: OTPs, FANFICTION, FanART, YOI, happy GAAAAYYYS, gloriously gay stuff in general :D, ‘SNS, music, good movies, love’, friends, flowers, good games, good books, scientific progress and new revelations, from-tiny-to-big acts of kindness, CATS, pets, pretty people, pretty stuff, water, comments, beloved nice strangers-but-friends ‘on the internet’ texting u/ commenting something making your shitty day much better like a magic spell somehow, others smiles, excitement, loving family, kind words, cool cars, our ability to “dream”, naps, good food, those slow moments of peace, those strong moments of adrenaline high (of good excitement like extreme sports), LIFE. etc... people should do these lists daily. Hope u found something here too summoning back a smile it caused :)

♦ TIME YOU WOKE UP: 8:00 AM but FUCK summer time just hit that would have been 7 yesterday whyyy

♦ UNDERWEAR COLOR: ... why someone even... ok.. oh, white today.

♦ VACATION DESTINATION: hmm.. for the year? Or, one big plan.. idk but im laying bored so:  well next month Netherlands for the tulip blooming, driving around Transylvania for a few days with my best friend at summer, maybe La Spezia (Italy) for a week also summer, ... damn and also squeezing in the the seaside trip week with dad at Black Sea, a Mondocon weekend at Budapest -autumn, and some trips to our mountain house across the year... guess thats all for this year.. for now. (lol and people call me a hermit cuz im not going out like normal people ever and socializing)....O.O ...damn i just realized im gonna need a plan... will my new boss even be this laid back...

♦ WORST HABIT: oh boy... how to pick... staying up at night despite knowing better is probably the worst.

♦ X-RAYS YOU HAVE HAD: ..but why... i guess almost everything from hips to neck. (lol i probs should get my head checked out XDDD)

♦ YOUR FAVORITE FOOD: i wish so bad id never have to eat it just hurts me so NONE really

♦ ZODIAC SIGN: Scorpio

♦ TAGGING: @frosty-haddock @katsudonski @no-signs-no-lights @beanpots @fangirlandiknowit101 @gweatherwax @niteangel496

[fitnesstips1017]

Fitness Tips

anonymous asked:

🍦🎀 // In your 'About Me' it says you like working out, do have any tips you could share? :)

-as @phantomrose96​ said in this post ‘Prioritize your own happiness. Put your happiness first and foremost and above everything else if you’re planning on taking up a diet and exercise routine.

Because society has done an incredibly malicious job of making diet and exercise about self-hatred. I don’t think I even need to explain this one. Marketed diets and exercises always come with taglines about “buy this product and you’ll lose [an unreasonably large amount of weight] in [an unreasonably short amount of time] and then you’ll look exactly like this bikini model and finally, finally, after all these years and years, you can stop hating yourself!!!!!!” **

( ** “Disclaimer: We’re the ones who made you start hating yourself at age ~10 because we’ve been bombarding you with images and messages that say your body isn’t good enough and you should hate it and change it.”)

That mindset is toxic, and malicious, and cruel, and absolutely mentally and physically exhausting to live with if food and exercise are suddenly only about weightloss. So many people, and young girls especially, will attempt dangerous, unhealthy, desperate things to alter their body to society’s ideal, and society will encourage them to do it.

For the love of god, do not approach this as a means of punishment against your body for not being what you want it to be. It’s debilitating.’

-Dont drink your calories, get rid of soda juice etc -Best drinks: water, lemon water, green tea, apple cider vinegar water (tastes like shit but youll get used to it after a while)-You cant outrun a bad diet. You cant run 5 miles daily yet eat junk food and expect to have a flat stomach, unless your metabolism allows that.-PPL HAVE DIFFERENT BODY TYPES!!! SOME WILL HAVE FLAT STOMACHS AND BIG BUTTS WITHOUT WORKING OUT AND EATING SHITTY AND SOME WILL HAVE LOTS OF FAT AND NOT MUCH FAT IN PLACES THEY WANT (LIKE BUTT) THATS JUST LIFE-Do NOT compare yourself to other people holy shit it WILL ruin you-Do calf raises while brushing your teeth or even just standing around-Squeeze your booty as much as you can esp while sitting, they help make your butt bigger-If  you want a bigger butt you NEED to eat. You need protein and carbs but HEALTHY ones, like chicken. Not donuts (tho treast yo self)-You CAN gain weight while being vegan!! @fitnika is proof!! Some foods w lots of protein are beans, nut butter, quinoa, lentils and tofu.-If you want a bigger butt you should use weights. donkey kicks will lift your butt, they wont make it bigger. exercises that will build booty are squats lunges deadlifts hip thrusts etc-Do NOT be afraid of using weights!! You will not instantly become bulky-Drink lemon water (1tsp lemon juice in a cup of water) first thing in the morning-Eat at the dinner table. if you eat in front of the tv or snack while walking around, you will constantly associate that activity with eating-Snack on celery. it takes more calories to digest than it contains so you lose weight -You cannot lose weight and gain muscle at the same time. you can lose weight and tone up, but not the other way. -Get rid of alcohol and drugs-Do NOT work out every day!! your body needs time to rest-Drink a lot of water but you dont need 8 cups. you just need to drink enough to make your pee clear. -Dont drink a full cup of water straight in one chug, instead take small sips every few minutes. this will lessen bloating.-You. will. bloat. whether you eat a donut or a salad or half a cup of water. your stomach WILL expand. -Take it easy. you WILL mess up. there will be days where youd rather jump off a cliff than workout and there will be days where you get to the gym but not wanna work out after 10 minutes of stretching and there will be days where you wanna workout for 4 hours. dont do that tho.-My tiny waist workout (trust me this really freakin works) : side plank raises 4x20 each side, plank twists 4x20 each side windmills 4x20 each side -Find a workout partner, it will motivate you 10x more and you can give each other ideas-Using smaller plates/bowls will make you feel as if youre eating more since the food will be so crammed on it-MEAL PLAN!!!! not only will this make you eat better but you will also be saving a TON of money!! some of my fav ppl on youtube that meal prep are whitney simmons and heidi sommers-Eat the healthiest part of the meal first and work your way downwards-Drop the fast food/going out to eat-Cut back on sodium and sugar-Carbs are energy!! but just like everything, it needs to be taken in moderation-Dont buy premade stuff. salads and smoothies are healthy yeah, but if you buy them premade from stores or restaurants, you’d be surprised by how much sugar and sodium they actually contain.-Cellulite stretch marks and loose skin/fat ARE normal. we all have them. dont stress.-25 min hiit sessions are more effective than 40 min moderate workouts.-Don’t try to ‘’fix’’ your hip dips. They don’t need fixing and are 100% natural.

-Don’t pay attention to JUST calories, look at the rest of the label too. For example, soy sauce is only 10 calories per serving which sounds ‘healthy’ right? What you probably don’t pay attention to is the fact that it has 1040 mg of sodium per serving, which is 43% of your recommended daily intake.-Make sure to have a plan. Is today arm day? leg day? have your workout typed up in your notes.-Brush your teeth 30 mins after eating. It’ll help stop cravings (dont brush directly after cause i read somewhere eating loosens your enamel and it strengthens back 30mins later and idk if it true or not but better safe than sorry)-Eat before going to the grocery store. You’ll be full so you wont be tempted to buy extra food/junk food.-Chewing/sucking on ice for some reason helps me stop my cravings ( or at least lessen them) so maybe they can do the same for you.

all i can think of atm haha. if you have any suggestions/corrections go ahead and add them!!

*im not a certified nutritionist or fitness expert or anything this is all from common sense, stuff ive learned over the years and stuff ive picked up from others please dont sue me if you disagree w something im broke*

Post taken from  independentassbitch

https://independentassbitch.tumblr.com/post/163004212965/in-your-about-me-it-says-you-like-working

[feelinsdumpster]

things i want to do in the coming decade

1 January 2020

1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years

2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here

3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em

4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write

5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help

6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music

7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way

8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so

9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried

10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic. 

11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances

12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)

13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis

14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno

15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)

16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling

17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed

18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche

19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two

learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)

20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself

extra:

21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-