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therealressii · 5 months ago

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do you mind if i give feedback on the game you're making?

i played a little bit of it (i got to the temple place) and so far i love the art style, but it is super not obvious what is and isnt an enemy? like i saw these garbage worms that damaged me, but they where so thin i died to them and didnt even see them

i also encountered what i think is a bug, where if you jump and then quickly jump after, you can almost double jump, and it gives you enough height to clear distances you probably could only climb without, however it does feel satisfying to pull off, therefore im unsure if its intended or not. i also couldnt heal, despite there being a control shown at the beginning that said i could, not sure if theres a reason for that or not

(also sorry i realize its kinda rude to ask if you want feedback, but then give it anyway, take that what you will lol)

last thing, a lot of the enemies are super vague in how they attack, and a lot of the time i die, its because an enemy i encountered hits me with something i cant really dodge, like the firelizzard guy, i hit him enough and then it blows up and jumps at me? i cant do any damage to it without dying before i land a hit, its just super confusing

i will say though, the platforming is really fun, if its a bit finicky, but so far the art style is stunning, and i love how the main character moves and looks. they look like they give good hugs lmao

sorry if this seems overly negative, but i love the game so far, and i cant wait to play more of it! (it might also be a problem with my potato laptop that i use lmao) ((also i realize this is a MASSIVE ask, its really easy to talk about this game it seems. i cant believe how little people are talking about this! its such a cool game so far and EOURGH i love it and i love the characters they hit all the right spots with me EUIUGH))

sorry for my inefficient way of typing, and the wall of text uuuh your really cool and i wish more people talked about your game and your art because its absolutely amazing how much you have made and how little its talked about! this is such a diamond in the rough and its absolutely stunning

thank you so much for playing, i always welcome feedback so don't worry about that and to address each point:

it was deliberate to make some enemies very hard to spot (blame pikmin 2 and rainworld) but it could be worth considering adding some additional audio and/or visual indicator i did plan on adding low threat music to play when any enemy was near you (similar to rainworld) though i haven't gotten around to learning how to make music yet so we'll have to see

yea that's a bug that appeared pretty early in development, a consequence of how the game detects if the player is on the ground or not i haven't bothered to fix it as my general rule for bugs is if it doesn't negatively affect the player or gameplay, i wont bother touching it so semi intended

im curious, did you ever craft any upgrades or know about that, including the healing potions needed to heal i didn't provide any tutorial or indication that there was a craft system for upgrades since i assumed that at one point or another the player would try to figure out what they could do with the materials that came from enemies, plants, and such sorry if that sounded rude, im genuinely curious for obvious game design purposes since i wanted to make roa with as little tutorial as possible to let players figure out the game without too much hand holding, but i could definitely add some additional tutorial/indicator besides the interactable arrow indicator

im guessing you went to the ruda'ishvura temple region straight away and that area is purposely filled with enemies with much higher health pools and damage its basically to indicate to players who get there early that they may need more health and general upgrades though i don't block it off based on boss progression since i want to allow the player to explore and well figure out their limits tho i could try make certain enemies a lil less confusing (not promises on that sorry akfaghs)

lastly, im curious about the "potato laptop" comment, were you experiencing stutters or anything like that optimization wasnt really my main concern at the beginning given that i just wanted to get something out there and as long as the game ran 60+ fps on my setup in the editor, i considered it good enough to run on most pcs and laptops but i might have to do an optimization patch of sorts if there are issues on lower end setups

anyways thank you so much again for playing roa and for the feedback, it is always good to get insight from different player experiences and their reactions/responses to my admittedly silly game design philosophies for my game

#ask #roa

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

#anon #tw suicide #talking #tw self harm

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mooglesorts · 4 years ago

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man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

[[MORE]]

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-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

---

doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

#shc #sortinghatchats #sorting hat chats #badger primary #bird primary #burned badger primary #exploded badger primary #exploded bird primary #burned houses #exploded houses #abuse cw #gore implied cw #moogle hat talks

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ajokeformur-ray · 5 years ago

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So... how about a empathetic reader who works in the same hospital that Arthur is at the end of the movie? Like, she is the lastest one who takes care of him, or something like that. Pretty please? And, can it have like kisses and fluff stuff? I'M WEAR FOR ARTHUR FLECK.

Swearing, complete inaccuracies with the legal system (creative license is my excuse and I’m sticking to it but if the lack of policies in this Arkham piece will bother you (like undoing his handcuffs because they’re hurting him, bringing food in for him, kissing him etc, I’d advise skipping it sksksks), Arthur smokes, SPOILERS and I think that’s it. I’m not sure if this is relevant but just in case - the reader has a flexible morality and some parts of the narrative are questionable. This is intentional. Also - the staff and hospital is described as being a total shit show because it’s what works for this piece sksksks I took a lot of liberties with this one lmao.

Also, as always, I teared up at this GIF. He’s so beautiful and so hurt and most of the film could have been avoided if someone had just hugged him ohhh :(((

Word count: 2, 638.

“Oh, here, Arthur,” You leaned across the cold metal table with your lighter, cupping a hand in the air underneath the tobacco end of the cigarette, which was already dangling from Arthur’s thin lips, “Let me get that for you.” You lit it easily, your hands steadier than you had thought that they would be. Immediately did Arthur’s lips purse as he took a long deep drag of the cigarette; his hypnotic green eyes closing in relief at that first hit of nicotine.

It was close to three in the afternoon and you were the only staff member in the whole of Arkham State Hospital who was nice to Arthur. Everyone else treated him the way that he was used to - like he was a freak, a disease, someone to be watched and not extended a single modicum of kindness. But you… you had been warned away from ‘that one’. All you had seen upon first meeting Arthur was a man broken down by the world, a man who had said fuck the world and given into his impulses, his truest self, when he could no longer stand how the world had treated him and if you were being honest with yourself, you couldn’t deny that his motives behind the murder of public figure Murray Franklin made sense to you. He had been publicly humiliated and scorned and in a fit of rage had he finally expressed all that had been against him from the very start. You had read his case file extensively after being told to avoid him by almost everyone - staff members and patients alike (the more coherent ones, at least) - and you had come to one decision after a few weeks of fighting against yourself:

You were going to be kind to Arthur Fleck.

You hadn’t told anyone about your decision. It wasn’t because you were afraid of what people would think of you, but it was because you didn’t care about their opinions. None of them had bothered to try to understand him, whereas you were going to be kind to Arthur because he intrigued you; you were a naturally empathetic person and you had a soft spot for the slightly damaged and the broken. You couldn’t watch a film if animals were harmed in it; even obviously animated animals getting hurt made you cry in horror and disgust. You couldn’t handle the sight of pain in others and to see so much of it in one case file and to then be presented with the man himself walking hunched into his own body; his shoulders curved inwards, his head down, his feet shuffling instead of his taking proper steps was just too much for you to take. You had cried over a good eighty percent of his case file, your heart breaking for this one man. Never had you felt such a strong undeniable urge to protect someone before. You lamented the fact that you hadn’t met him before this day; surely if you had, this whole thing could have been avoided. It was like Arthur was apologising for his own existence in the way that he tried to occupy as little physical space as possible. To see the evidence of Arthur’s life in one manilla file and to then meet the man himself had been all the information you had needed to decide that people were wrong about him. He had done bad things, this was true, and you took great care to remind yourself of the fact that this man had brutally murdered people, but you couldn’t find it within yourself to ostracise him for it. What he had done wasn’t excusable and you couldn’t condone his actions even to yourself, but his descent was explainable.

So sure of your decision had you chucked yourself down the rabbit hole head first without even considering the implications on your continued employment at Arkham State Hospital if anyone came to learn of your affections for Arthur. You took on sole responsibility of his case, you bought him quality cigarettes with your own money, you bought him in food that you had made yourself… You told no one of these things, of the little ways in which you tried your best to take care of him despite all he had done to wind up here. Once that white door had closed upon you and Arthur for his daily therapy sessions were you granted privacy with each other. You recorded your conversations but the two of you had learned to read each other relatively quickly and as such, those moments where the verbal conversation lulled to a temporary halt were moments in which you had a discussion with your eyes, your hand reaching across the table to touch the back of his. You were careful to unlock Arthur’s handcuffs much of the time so that the chains didn’t clink against the cold metal table; though the metal bracelets were still secured around his wrists, you separated him from the chain so he had some freedom of movement in these sessions. Having spent much of his childhood being chained to radiators and the like, you were sure that his trauma would be triggered by being restrained to a table. You helped Arthur in any way you could and before you knew it, months had gone by and you were well and truly caught in the spider’s web.

Arthur pulled the cigarette away from his mouth and tilted his head up towards the ceiling to exhale; the wispy tendrils of smoke curling gently before they dissipated in the cool air of the impersonal, stark room. “Thank you.” The words were quietly spoken and your trained ears picked up on a soft note of gratitude as he allowed some emotions to creep into his voice. You smiled by way of saying ‘you’re welcome’ and distracted yourself while you willed yourself not to blush by opening the daily used case file which was thicker now with therapy sessions shoved in the back. The notes were all loose leaf and you despaired at the lack of care being shown towards Arthur. What was the point of keeping him here if no one was going to take their government appointed responsibility seriously? The head of Arkham may as well have let Arthur out for all the good the establishment was doing for him.

“Have you eaten lunch?”

“No,” A sigh. His lack of elaboration in answer to your raised eyebrow had told you everything that you needed to know - he had either not been hungry at the time or he had been denied a meal. You cared little for what the reason was so long as he could eat now. Arthur took another drag on his cigarette, a quicker one this time, and he turned his head upwards once more to exhale; he was considerate of your distaste for his smoking and showed his gratitude in your supplying him with cigarettes despite your personal views on the habit by showing you great courtesy when he did smoke in front of you. You couldn’t have denied him this one vice if you had tried - goodness knew how mad you would go if you couldn’t have your own fix every day.

You reached under the table with one hand, keeping your eyes on Arthur’s as you fumbled in your bag and pulled out a Tupperware box. The box was see through and you saw a light come into Arthur’s eyes which had nothing to do with the harsh overheads which could have used a gentler light bulb; for all the patients here which struggled with over stimulation and light sensitivity, staff showed little concern. Gotham was a total shit show and you hated everything about the suffocating place. It seemed that, even though Arkham State Hospital was on the outskirts of Gotham, it was still susceptible to the same toxins which circulated throughout the city. You set the box down, pushing it towards Arthur, and moved to separate his handcuffs from the chain. Your gaze, which was still holding his, very clearly said, you know the rules and he nodded once slowly, a smirk on his face, to show his understanding.

You were the only staff member Arthur would ‘behave’ for and often were you called in at odd hours off the clock to ‘sort the fucking clown out’. You didn’t mind, not really. You had gained some strange reputation in Arkham and even the meaner patients, the ones who were especially volatile and unpredictable, left you alone. It hadn’t taken you long to figure out that Arthur had given you some kind of honourary protection in your taking on his case, though you suspected that it was more the way you treated him which had granted you this unofficial protection, and less to do with the fact that you had his case file.

Arthur peered into the box and looked sharply back up at you. “How did you know that this was my favourite food?”

You smiled and shrugged. “I pay attention. Eat. You must be starving.” You pushed plastic cutlery his way - you couldn’t get proper utensils past security no matter what you said to them - and leaned back in your chair, glancing over the therapy notes from yesterday with curiosity. You used the notes to hide the way your eyes were fixed on Arthur’s face. You were far too invested in him for your own good and though you knew it couldn’t end well, you were determined to see it through to the very end, come what may.

At the first hesitant bite did Arthur’s eyes flutter closed as he chewed and you smiled. “Good?”

“So good,” He took a second, bigger bite and your smile widened as affection bloomed in your chest.

Silence fell once more as Arthur ate, punctuating his bites with drags on his cigarette, which was almost down to the filter now. He coughed lightly at one point and though he hadn’t said anything, you hadn’t needed him to as you reached into your bag, unscrewed the cap top and put the plastic bottle of water in front of Arthur.

Half of his food was left in the tub as he looked at the water. There was something in his eyes which you were having trouble reading.

“What is it, lo - Arthur?” You had almost slipped up, called him love and the way Arthur smirked up at you briefly before he looked back to the water told you that he had noticed your near mistake. There was no denying it if he ever decided to call you out on what you had just almost said. You knew even without really thinking about it that you wouldn’t deny anything he accused you of in this vein; all of it was true. All of it.

“You’re always so kind to me,” He frowned down at the table, nimble fingers plucking at the chain you had released him from so that he could eat without having to sit uncomfortably.

“Well, yeah, it’s my job. I took an oath to care for - “

Staring off into space, his cigarette burnt out now, the end smouldering but still lightly held between his nicotine stained fingers, did Arthur shake his head. “No,” He interrupted you, “This is more than an oath of care.” He turned his head to meet your eyes full on and with a cocky smirk tugging at the edges of his mouth did he say, “You better be careful.”

Anger rose quickly and you almost said something but then you caught another hint of some emotion flash through his eyes, like a trick of the light did he school his facial expressions so fast. You saw a desperate pleading, you saw… you saw need. Arthur wasn’t warning or threatening you, he was asking you to be careful. If you both got caught, if you got found out on supplying a patient with food made outside the premises or buying and lighting him cigarettes - which were allowed within the hospital but only a specific brand not available to the public domain - if you got caught letting him out of the chains just so he could move a little freer, if you got caught having personal conversations with him, it’d all be over. You’d be taken off the case, more than likely dismissed or fired or transferred elsewhere, and you would never see Arthur again. He would lose the only good in his life - a secret though it was, it was his good.

In short, Arthur watched as you saw through his mask, through his cryptic statements, You saw him and he felt an unfamiliar heat blooming in his chest. So closely was he staring at you that he saw the precise moment of understanding dawn on your face and he smirked with pride. He could always count on you to understand.

In the end, you didn’t answer him verbally. You held a cigarette out to him, the filter facing him, and you held his green oceans as he parted his lips and allowed you to place the filter between them. You lit the cigarette with a slight shake to your hand and Arthur moved somewhat awkwardly to rest his hand over yours, the lighter firm in your grip.

“Thank you.” He wasn’t just thanking you for the cigarettes and you both knew it.

“You’re welcome.” You smiled and Arthur felt an urge to kiss you. He followed it and used his grip on you to pull you down to his eye level. You gasped, shocked by the sudden movement; your heart began to pound but you weren’t afraid. “Arthur, what - “

“Shshsh, I’m not going to hurt you.” He smirked, the expression at complete odds with how softly he had reassured you in that same moment, and took the cigarette from his mouth, tilting his head and upper body backwards using the back of the metal chair to exhale, keeping the toxins as far from you as he could given how closely you were now. You were leaning over the table, your belt buckle pressed against your stomach, your face close to Arthur’s. “I’m going to kiss you. Is that okay?”

The look in his eyes told you that he was serious about kissing you but if you didn’t want to, he wouldn’t make you. He would just never ask you for anything like this again. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him; never again would anybody see him and care for him the way that you did.

“Okay.” A breathy exhale and Arthur smiled. It was a real, genuine smile and you felt your own lips quirking upwards in reply. You met in the middle, neither of you consciously moving, and your lips barely grazed each other’s. He kissed you so slowly, so slowly, that it made your heart bleed for him. He had a big heart, this you had come to know, and as you pulled away from him with the desperate need for oxygen did you meet his eyes again. His eyes roamed about your face as if he was desperately trying to memorise your face in this moment and that look in your eyes. “How about we get you out of here, hm?”

A look of confusion, a startled laugh, and Arthur nodded his head in agreement. Yes. It was high time that the Crown Prince of Gotham got back to work. The city needed him, after all, and he needed you. It would take weeks of careful planning, an elaborate distraction and a getaway car with a willing driver to get him out of Arkham, but he was a Joker and you were the ace up his sleeve.

The Arthur Fleck/Joker Defense Squad @writings-of-a-gen-z @x-avantgarde-x @insomniabird @mavalenovaninagavi @itwasrealenough @morrisonmercurymalek @rand0ms-fand0ms @rafaelina-casillas @aclownthing @rebs-doom @vivft @help-i-am-obssessed @autumnaffection @taintednihilist @vladtoly @mg-woolf99 @misstgrey92 @that-s-life @dopey-girl-blogs @seeking-dreamland @sweetheart-syndrome @heartxfdesire @xmusichealsthesoulx @0callmejude0 @the-one-that-likes-riddles @hannibalsslut @folliaght @freeeshavacadoo @bingewatchingmylifegoby @unlovedbyeveryoneandeverything @okamiredfoxx @sp0okysp0oky @the-pandorabox @mardema @jibanyyan @honeyflvredcoughdrop @emissarydecksetter @jokerfleckk @epidendroideae @chuuntas @stillmabel @pumpkinpeyes @onehystericalqueenposts @the-jokers-wolf @nalsswa @justahyena @arianatheangelworld @soullessblondbitch @gothamslittlejester @twentyonestarrynights @sirianfromsixties @kissmeclownman @joker-is-my-hero @lazyloosah @lovesickkloxx @ladylovelyluna @live-love-loki @clownerybbxx @tragicarthur @anmach123 @rommie-chan @arthurflock @lucyboytom @anti-peach @ immortal-bi-bitch @hearthurfleck @crazieroutthere @curlystark @hailmary-yramliah @sagyunaro @playinthedarktillitsgoldenagain @jokeringcutio @xenthefox @mijachula @stcrrynightsinneverlcnd @cheyennejonas22 @mrjfleck @pauli1100 @smitten-susie @actualkey @callmejokerfleck @jaylovesbats @itsforyoubitch @ridiculousnerd @killerprotector3579 @soulsdontbreaktheybeeend @fantasticwinnerclodexpert @arthurs-sweater @pinkie44pie @tsukiakarinobara @prettyxlittlexpsychoxprincess @darkvampiplier @yours-mia @rustyt33th @parkdonghoons @lady-carnivals-stuff

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allyreactions · 4 years ago

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UNPOPULAR OPINION: I actually want NCT Dream to graduate into different units. Sure, everyone loves them together, but it’s holding them back a lot. They’d get tons more attention if they were to graduate into either WayV or 127. Renjun and Chenle are already really close to the members of WayV. It’s also kinda disheartening to see NCT Dream addressed as “Haechan and Friends” by 127 (*cough cough* Doyoung). I’m also not that happy about Mark having to debut back in NCT Dream again because he’s already so overworked. I’d also love to see new dreamies once the current members graduate. I also see a problem with fans not letting go of the whole “child” kind of thing with them. 4 out of 6 members are literally 20, they’re grown men. Because of the whole NCT Dream label, those members are forever stuck being seen as “babies” when they’re trying to break away from that title (of course this doesn’t mean sexualize Chenle and Jisung bc 1. Jisung is uncomfortable with it 2. They’re still considered MINORS by Korean Law). Yeah, I understand they cried at a concert bc they missed Mark being a part of the team, but that was also when the wound was fresh. They weren’t used to it yet. People adapt. They’ve adapted.

Sorry it’s all over the place but Idk. Maybe I’m not seeing the whole picture or something but this is my opinion. I’m open to discussion and to hear your thoughts. I really want to talk about this with someone because I’ve thought about it a lot and I know it’s a very unpopular opinion.

Also, I love your work! You deserve so many more followers, like seriously you’re an amazing writer and you update so frequently (which is something I could never do lmao). Thank you!

SEND ME ANONS!

____________________________

okay, I’m gonna break this down in parts. but first, I just want to say thank you for loving my work! it can be taxing at time posting daily, but I really appreciate you acknowledging how difficult it can be. anyways, let’s continue!

1. The Graduation System :

NCT’s management team decided to get rid of the graduation system that was originally established in Dream for two reasons. One, the fans constantly protested it. Two, the system was heartbreaking for the members themselves. And that’s clearly shown in some of the videos from (especially) the Dream Concert this year. Jisung and Jaemin have stated in interviews that their fellow NCT members are the only friends they have. Their management team took notice of the chemistry between the 7 members and so they decided to abolish the graduation system in favor of the fans. Yes, they adapted after Mark left, but that didn’t mean that they didn’t miss working with each other. But this doesn’t mean that a future sub-unit can’t have the same concept. It’s just for the sake of the members, the fans, and tbh the monetary gain of having all 7 members together, that SM got rid of the graduation system.

2. Their Music Style :

Mark has mentioned that NCTzens and the Dreamies themselves have grown up together, which is what makes their discography so unique. They’ve been able to go through different stages in life together and connect through that. They’ve been able to grow and evolve along with the fans. With your mentioning of the whole “child” concept, while the name NCT Dream may come across as childish, their current concept is anything but. NCT Dream doesn’t create songs like “Chewing Gum” anymore. They have a youthful concept, not so much of a cutesy bubblegum pop style anymore. I may look at the Dreamies as “babies” but that’s because I’m older than all of them. But to someone who’s a 00 liner, they might look at them differently. (but I do agree that Chenle and Jisung should not be sexualized under any circumstance because they are minors)

3. Renjun and Chenle Joining WayV / Potential to Join New Units :

This was a point that was brought up before XiaoHenYang was introduced, when NCT China was in speculation. I think WayV is pretty much a fixed unit (I could be wrong, so don’t quote me on that), so the idea of Chenle and Renjun joining doesn’t seem that probable (again, I could be wrong). But I do want to mention that we have no idea what kind of sub-units their management team has in mind. Just because they’re all still in Dream, doesn’t mean that they can’t join another sub-unit. Haechan and Mark are both in 127 as well as Dream. The other members can very much join a new sub-unit as well. I mean, Shotaro and Sungchan just joined and tbh I don’t think there’s a unit that they can readily join (obviously other than NCT U - I mean a fixed unit). Their management could debut a new unit next year that includes some of the Dreamies as well as our new members.

4. Mark Overworking Himself :

I’ve states this in a past anon, but Mark has expressed that he loves working. He’s said that he loves having so many projects to work on, that he loves staying busy. To us, it may seem like he’s overworking himself (which he might), but we really don’t know what his limit is. Yes, he’ll have SuperM, 127, and Dream comebacks all in a year, and that could be a lot for him, we don’t know. But if he really wasn’t comfortable joining SuperM and rejoining Dream, I don’t think SM would have forced him into doing something he wouldn’t want to do (at least I hope not).

All of your points are valid, but I wanted to share my insight into this topic. You are entitled to our own opinion, and I am to mine. I would love to hear your thoughts on my answer and continue this conversation 😊

~ Admin Ally

#kpop #kpop asks #kpop anons #kpop anon confessions #kpop ask game #kpop anon game #kpop unpopular opinion #kpop unpopular opinions #nct #nct dream #wayv #nct 127 #nct 2020 #kpop blog #kpop writing blog #nct confessions

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justsomevoltronstuff · 5 years ago

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How did you become an editor of writers? How are you hired? And how well is the pay? This is coming from someone who wants to be an author but feels like I might have to be something else.

possible long ass post alert and it has absolutely nothing to do with Voltron, this is just my life story and how I became an editor for a living.

my mother is an author, she’s been writing stories her whole life, my dad likes to say her side of the family is gifted with bullshit and they’re all fantastic story tellers, no one can ever tell what’s true and what's not. off a dare from my uncle, my mom was set on actually completing a book for once in her life before the following Christmas, I read it and fixed it as she wrote it and we had a nice system. that system eventually turned into me becoming a paid editor for her, I believe she currently has four editors in total, with myself included, lmao duh. I edit a smaller series that she and my sister are currently writing, it’s not a huge fanbase because it’s still new and not her normal genre, and it averages about 40,000 words a book, I get paid $200 a book and just finished editing my third and am working on the fourth, there’s going to be 14 books in total by the end of this year in that series alone. she’s also writing two other series as well that are a completely different genre and not considered y/a.

I’m 18, I’m living in my parents house until this fall when I will be moving out with two of my friends, I’ll be maintaining two jobs while also going to community college to study business and English. I hope to become a freelance editor after this year, because the series currently has my schedule swamped but it’s also giving me a lot of practice with different techniques and editing styles because some authors expect specific ways of editing.

as for you wanting to be an author, trust me love, just write it, don’t ever worry about what others might think because it’s not their world in your head, it’s not their story. my mother has always told me, if you love your story, that’s all that matters.a huge bit of writing that I think a lot of authors overlook is the fact that it’s your story to tell and if you aren’t vibing with it, if you don’t love it, it’s okay to sit back and take a deep breath and restart, you can restart any sentence or any book. also, it’s highly likely you’ll need to do something different, not all authors get to freakin J.K. Rowling heights, I have met so many USA Today Bestselling Authors and I can almost guarantee you’ll have heard of maybe two of them ever if that, and a lot of them are either stay at home moms or working another job while also writing, but don’t give up writing just because you have to do something else. it’s okay to do something else to ensure your own wellbeing while doing what you love, my mom worked in I.T. for fourteen years, she quit her job last year because she was finally able to afford to keep us afloat with her book sales alone, and yes, it hasn’t been goofy dresses and tea time, we’ve gone through rough spurts where it was a bit touch and go, but we make it through. the point is, it may not be now, or even ten years from now, but there will come a point where its safe to just be an author, I’m a firm believer in never forcing yourself to live a way you’re barely making ends meet.

I highly encourage becoming an indie author if you do publish, we’ve messed with publishers before, it’s an absolute dream for some people and I’m not at all discouraging publishing companies, it just didn’t work out well for us and the one series my mom holds under a publisher is probably her worst selling series, but again that’s our experience, not the rule.

I'm actually an editor and an aspiring author. I have my first cover already made, I have a book that I’m so close to finishing (but haven’t bc of my job and making matchups for you guys), I have three series I hope to release sooner rather than later, and I like to think I’m not a horrible writer, but I suppose I could be wrong. point is, if you’re looking into editing as a job so you can work with books, it’s perfectly okay to do both! hell, I can always send you a chapter of my book and you can edit it if you’d like to see if it’d even be something you’re interested in.

Life Lesson 1 with Rori (which is a pen name btw)

FOLLOW YOUR DAMN ASPIRATIONS AND AMBITIONS!!!! life is ridiculous, you won’t necessarily be able to survive by doing what you love, but that should never stop you from doing it anyways! 💜

#rori chats #life lessons w rori #not vld

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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647

Have you ever done a craft that you found on Pinterest? I’ve never gone on Pinterest for reasons other than looking for interior design ideas lmao, so no. I’m no good at crafts anyway so it’s not like looking at Pinterest will make me feel good or motivated. Do you get scrapbooking layout ideas from anywhere? I don’t do scrapbooking, but if I do start (and I’ve always wanted to), I’d definitely get some tips from the internet or from people I know who are artsy. What do you do to wipe off the dust from ordinary life? Drink. Are you content with mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? I wish I knew everything, no matter how bad the news may be. What do you do when someone irritates you on Facebook? Unfriend them, duh. I could still see them in real life anyway, but I can very much hate their presence online enough to unfriend/block them haha.

Are you judgmental? If I meet a person for the first time only after I’ve heard a couple of stuff about them, I might judge them for a bit yeah. Then I’ll brush it off first and see if they really are what I was told they’d be. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed? I’ve never had it dyed, so I wouldn’t know if it looks better. Do your parents disrespect you? My mom does; and she’s typically a disrespectful person. My dad’s pretty chill. Have you found that love covers over a multitude of sins? Sure. People just have to watch out and make sure love doesn’t reach such a point that it ends up becoming a cover-up for toxic behavior. What was the last Grand Opening you went to? Popeye’s HAHAHAHAHA. They opened their (second) first branch in the country around a year ago and we didn’t have classes that day, so we went. Do you have anything coming up tomorrow? No Monday classes for me, so the day would just consist of me doing schoolwork at home, or in a coffee shop, or whatever works for tomorrow. What's one thing that makes your stomach hurt? DAIRY. I’m having milk tea right now and it is a nightmare. But it tastes so good, so lactose town it is. Ever had a living nightmare? You mean the last 22 years of my life? Sure. Do you have a lot of haters? Idk, it’s possible but I don’t worry about that kinda stuff.

Do you think successful people always come with a pack of haters? Of course. People are alllllllllways envious. Do you have supernatural abilities? No. Do you kick yourself when you make mistakes? Do you say, "I wish I would have" a lot? Yeah I do this a lot. It drives my girlfriend nuts and she hates when I start on could have/should have rants, but it’s my thought process most days. Are you doing the most you can with your life? 'The most’ is probably pushing it. I know I can still do more like join contests, volunteer, be in more orgs, etc. but it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy where I am and with what I’ve done. I can still call myself satisfied, and I hope it means I’ve been doing something right. Do you let people walk on you? No. At least I don’t think so. Are you ok? Thanks for asking :’) I could be better, but at least I’m functioning and that’s better than being a vegetable in bed all day. Do you have a friend you miss right now? Yeah, I always miss Angela. Do you ever write snail mail to your friends? We don’t do that anymore dude. Do you make your life look better than it is on Facebook? Yeah. There’s like this quiet mutual understanding among people (at least in my generation) that Facebook is for impressing your relatives and showing how good of a life you have, and Twitter is where you air out your sadness and rants and all the mess in your personal life haha. Do you feel God's presence regularly? There is no presence to be felt. Do you experience chronic pain? Nope. Do you believe God loves you and is rooting for you? Don’t need anyone else other than my friends and myself to do both of those for me. Have you ever dreamt that you were falling? I’ve never dreamt it but I’d sometimes get that sensation when I would almost fall asleep. What would your dream career be? Lawyer. If I wasn’t such a fucking crybaby in arguments I think I’d survive law school just fine HAHA. Are you a daydreamer? Sure. Do you daydream so much that you wonder if there's anyone who doesn't? Not really. I just daydream when I’m bored. Do you ever just sit and daydream for awhile? ^ Again, only when I’m bored. Is the snow falling where you are right now? Snow has never fallen in the Philippines. What is your favorite part of nature? Mountains, and the spectacular views they can give. Do you wish you could be a world traveler? Sure. Do you wish you could live in another city for a year? I wish I could migrate to another country – that’s how much I want to get out of here. What city would you like to visit? I’m eyeing Bangkok for my next trip abroad if that’s ever going to happen :) What has been your favorite city that you've visited? Locally, Vigan or Sagada. Abroad... probably Bali. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? I’m definitely going to be that parent who takes my kids every year and lets them wear whatever costume they’d want. Have you ever stood in line to get a Disney character's autograph? No. Do you own a birthday crown? I had a tiara for my 7th birthday party, but I’m not sure if my mom was able to keep it. How long does it usually take your hair to dry? Do you dry it naturally or blow-dry it? I have it dry naturally because I get bored blow-drying it. It usually takes an hour or two. Do you straighten your hair? No. I have bad experiences with that because as a kid/teenager, my mom would force me to have my hair rebonded even if I never wanted to have it done to my hair; so these days, when someone asks if I prefer my hair to be straightened, I shudder and say no. Do you sleep with a teddy bear? No and I never did. I was never into stuffed toys. Would you consider yourself a free spirit? To an extent, I guess. I do enjoy being independent and trying out new things, but I always want people to be with me along the way. If I’m gonna travel the world, I need a travel buddy. If I’m gonna go hiking in Sagada, I’d feel better having a companion. If I’m gonna try worms or bugs for the first time, it’s always nicer having someone who’s just as daring when it comes to food. I’m basically a free spirit who never wants to feel lonely, haha. Do you need to clean out your closet? I need to refold some of my clothes, but otherwise I know where everything is. Do you watch YouTube videos regularly? Yeah, I watch at least one video a day. What's your favorite coffee shop? Starbucks will always be my first love for their ambience, but Coffee Bean is pretty great too. Is your Pinterest page cluttered? It’s not used at all. Do you want to start a collection? Yes, I always said I would start collecting all sorts of WWF/E memorabilia once I’m able to afford having a steadily-growing collection. My future house is definitely gonna have its own ~man cave~ except it’ll be for wrestling merch, and it’ll have its own TV and sound system too for when I want to hide from the world and just find solace in wrestling. Are you a role model? Would you consider yourself a good example? I’ve had people say they look up to me for certain traits, but this isn’t something I actively try to become. I have bad habits and vices of my own, so I definitely don’t endorse myself as a role model. But if I can help people in other aspects, then that’s more than alright with me. Are you a leader or a follower? Follower. I like being a leader whenever I can, but there’s too much pressure in being the leader all the time. Who's your favorite person? My girlfriend, durrr. Who have been your favorite American Idol contestants? Siobhan Magnus, Adam Lambert, and Pia Toscano. Did you used to name your Barbies? No. I never liked playing with Barbies either. I think I only ever got one Barbie doll as a present, and it’s because I always preferred playing with toys for boys given that I grew up with mostly male cousins. What unnatural hair color looks best on you? I’m not sure. I’ve wanted to dye my hair either red or green, though. Is your life boring? No. It’s certainly picked up in the last few months. Do you usually feel better around people or alone? I do great for both situations. It depends on what I need at a particular time. Is there a broken relationship in your life that you want to fix? There’s a broken relationship, but I have no desire to fix it. Do you ever think about Heaven? A part of me finds a level of solace in the idea of getting reunited with lost loved ones when I die, but I mostly think there’s no afterlife. Are you ready for Heaven yet? Are you afraid of where you're going to go? No. I’d like to think I’ll end up somewhere in the universe, and it’s enough to calm me down. Do you have a tree outside your window? Yes, but it’s dark and we have curtains so I can barely see the trees. Do you feel better now than you did last night? I wouldn’t say that, even though I’m feeling okay tonight. I was with Gabie last night, which automatically makes last night better. Is your sleep schedule messed up? It’s still a little bit distorted, yeah. But I’m not too worried about it because at least all my classes this sem start at 10 AM, which means I get to sleep in unlike last sem when I had 7 AM/8:30 AM classes :) Does your body have any problems with it? It gets tired during the day because I’d usually take naps in the afternoon, but it doesn’t affect me too badly. Are you doing ok spiritually? I don’t think about that aspect. Have you taken any huge risks lately? I had a long, blunt talk with Gab last night and it involved topics regarding our relationship that have long been denied and shelved finally acknowledged and let out in the open; and I think that in itself is a big step to take. Silence or songs? I can prefer either depending on my mood. Tea or coffee? Coffee. Books or movies? 10 year old me would say books. Today me would say movies. Do you ever watch your favorite movies from when you were a kid? Yes. I do a Toy Story rewatch at least once a year. ^If you were going to do that, what would you watch? Mostly Disney movies like Toy Story, Finding Nemo, The Game Plan, etc. Do you ignore rude people or do you call them out? Call them out. Do you have trouble staying organized? Yeah, but then again I’m messy-organized so even though I find it hard to maintain being organized, I still end up remember where everything is placed (most of the time). What has been your most favorite adventure? Walking around Bali and my family not knowing where the hell we were or where we were headed. What has been your greatest mistake? I hate questions like this. Are you happy with your life right now? I’m like 75% happy with it, which I’d say is a decently healthy amount. Do you take anything to make your feel better? No. Are your parents still together? Yes. What color socks do you have on? Currently barefoot. Are you under a blanket right now? Nope. It’d be nice to be that right now, though. Are you hopeful? Always.

#survey #surveys

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years ago

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Survey #252

my personal laptop has to be fixed, so therefore i don’t have games to play, so expect plenty of these to pass the time lmao.

Have you ever said something just to see what kind of reaction you’d get? No, not that I remember. Have you ever confronted someone about using too much chat-speak? ??? No??? Have you ever revealed someone’s secret, after promising not to tell? No. Secrets are one thing I'm very serious about respecting. What is one emotion that you experience regularly? STRESS, MOTHERFUCKER. Describe the last major change you made concerning your hairstyle? Lopped it all off, lmao. It's been like, two years now though. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? It feels like my friend Alex. She's kinda just... left me hanging for months. I think she's active online, but not with me, despite reaching out. She's also deleted her b.net account or just removed me from her friends list, idk. Absolutely nothing seems like it would've prompted that, though. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? I was going to say no, but the last person's answer inspired mine to yes; like, I'm not going to go talk to people with some crazy or offensive shit on their shirts, nor am I going to just go walk up to someone covered in blood. Name one embarrassing activity that you take part in? I don't know. Like I say enough I'm VERY self-conscious of revealing I RP, but only because I'm sensitive to how the person will respond. I'm in no way like, ashamed I do it. I'm just terrified of judgment over something "unusual." Ever been told that you can’t understand love due to your age? Not that I remember. I only claimed to "get it" (to my recollection) at a point in mine and Jason's relationship, and I very legitimately would've guffawed at and honestly nearly slapped you if you claimed I "didn't understand" love. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? THE PINK ONES. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I act more like myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? No. Who is the fakest person in your life right now? I don't keep those people in my life. Have you ever laid down in the grass, and made shapes out of the clouds? As a kiddo. When someone’s constantly negative, how do you deal with it? It depends on the person, but ALMOST in all cases, I really really try to support the person as best I can. It may start to bring me a bit down, but I feel I'm just like... hardwired to help those I love. I think it's what my relationship with Jason did, as he left because he couldn't handle my depression anymore, and with how that absolutely and utterly annihilated me, I don't want anyone else to feel that pain. Now, for people I don't have much of a bond with, it's easier for me to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now," but even then, I prefer to help. Does Christmas make you feel like a kid again? No. I'm really most excited for aunt reasons, lol. Do you have any artistic talent? Some. Would you ever shoplift from a store if you knew you wouldn’t be caught? Absolutely not. When one of your pets dies, how do you react? Usually cry. I've only ever not done so if I hadn't at all formed a bond with the animal. When you go to the movies, where in the theater do you sit? Close to the front, in the middle. When was the last time you lost your appetite? I don’t know. Have you ever neglected to take care of yourself? Er. Quite badly during '16, in the depth of my depression. I'll just say my teeth are kinda yellow because of it. I want to whiten my teeth at some point if I can afford that kind of luxury. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? In RP, the most recent section being written now is my main protagonists receiving a visit from their allies before getting their asses torn up the next day lmao. After a fight, who apologizes first - you, or the other person? Usually me, but it does depend. If I genuinely feel I didn't do jackshit wrong, no, I'm not apologizing. When you’re feeling creative, what do you do? Write. Do you mind being in your house alone overnight? Not really by now. Done so a number of times. Are there any dreams you remember from childhood? Nightmares, yes, and one very realistic dream. What worries you most about death? Not knowing what happens afterwards. Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970s or earlier? I love The Munsters, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Addams Family. I'm sure there's more, considering I liked to watch stuff with my mom as a kid. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ever been to a rave? No. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? I don't really do that. Like I'll vent about people occasionally, but "talk shit" seems like the wrong word. I don't like gossiping. Are you a jealous person? Envious, rather, sometimes. I get VERY envious when it comes to photography, but otherwise, I don't feel it much. Who do you text the most out of your friends? Sara is like the only friend I text, lol. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?  Honestly, call an authority. I don't fuck with that. I'm not watching it happen. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?  I played World of Warcraft daily until my laptop took a shit. Need to get that fixed. Now I play actual video games very rarely... but mostly just because you can only replay the same ole game so many times before you've had enough of it for like a year. There are a great number of new games I want to play, though. I want a PS4 soooo badly. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?  More than anything, posting something that's crying for attention only for the person to be like "ugh I don't wanna talk about it." Then don't fucking post it. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? I feel like I haven't found new interests in a long time... Wait! I do feel The Handmaid's Tale and the Wings of Fire book Sara lent me have revived my love of reading! :') I want to go to the book store when I can and get both the new sequel to THT and the next WoF book. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?  *shrug* Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?  I need SOME alone time, but for the most part I love being together. Once we're really close, anyway. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Scrambled eggs. Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?  Yeah. Funny story, there was this one time my sister won a stuffed duck from a claw machine, and it was the one I wanted after trying many times, and I cried so hard that one of the employees literally got one out for me lmfao. I probably still have it in the attic. When was the last time you went out to a fair?  Not since right before the breakup. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?  Like, two hours. We almost never go because of the distance. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?  No. My dad's been a mailman all my life, and Mom is currently on disability because she has cancer and obviously can't work because of chemotherapy and all that. She was a pharmacy tech, though. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be?  Can all this weight like vanish please. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like?  ????? Why would I do that???? Well, I didn't yet like-like Tyler because we hadn't been reunited as friends long enough; dating was kinda like... a dumb way to re-get to know each other? Thank fuck that was only two weeks. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I'm single. Would you ever work at a fast food restaurant?  No. History shows I can't work with people. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off?  AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie?  I never watched them. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck on a frozen pole?  No. Are you a cat or a dog person?  Cat. Does the movie Titanic make you cry?  Ha ha, yes. I watched it on movie day while at the psych hospital and all of us were lil bitches almost sobbing, lol. Because it's a long movie, it went past our allotted time, but the nurses decided to let us finish it because we were so into it. I do have some good memories from those times... Do you think that fat people should wear skinny jeans? I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want without fear of judgment. Do you prefer game systems like Xbox, or older ones like Super Nintendo? The former. Do you enjoy indie music? Yep! What is the most strange piercing you’ve ever seen? Those ones people were getting on their fingers instead of rings... just huh. What do you do when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store? Look around, I guess. Think. What is your favourite beach to go to? I haven't been to enough to know. Have you ever been to a country club? No. Have you ever seen an animal die in real life? Too many times. Animals have been euthanized in my arms, and a kitten slowly died in my hands once. One of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. Teddy accidentally punctured its lungs or broke ribs, I think, or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was trying to bring it back to its siblings because it wandered off, but he held it too tightly. I was home alone, too. It was fucking awful. Do you live on a Rd, St, Blvd, Ln, Way, or Ave? Road. Do you have naked pictures of someone saved on your phone? No. Would you ever go see an opera? Bitch I played Parasite Eve, I don't trust that shit. But seriously, no, not my scene. Do you own anything John Deere? No. Do you have a push mower or a mower that you ride on? Neither. A friend mows for us; he has the latter. What is the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic for? No clue. I think during a trip to New York. Would you consider joining the air force, army, etc? No. Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Dylan. I thought he was super cute and cool. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? I dunno. Who did you idolize growing up? Steve Irwin. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? No. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? Best: English. Worst: math. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. Writing poetry. Drawing. Do you like to get your nails done? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT. Do you like to wear dresses? Hell no with my current body. Do you like any ‘manly’ activities like hunting, fishing, or camping? I find fishing to be fun and relaxing, but because of morals, I can't stomach doing it anymore. What was the name of your first boyfriend? First with the title, Aaron. First *real* boyfriend, Jason. Your first kiss? Jason. Are you still with either of those people from the last 2 questions? No. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? Ha ha no. I think. What is your longest relationship to date? Three years, 7-8 months. I don't remember if the breakup was in August or September. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was kinda like... mutual-ish, but moreso her. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Do you cry during romantic movies? Sometimes. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Have you ever been used? I don't think so romantically, but in other ways, I know I have been. Have you ever felt violated? Yes. Do you like when a guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? Not everyone likes guys, so what an assumption. But anyway, only if we're very serious and have heavy trust in one another. Do you ever leave the house without makeup? Pretty much always. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Been a few years. What kind of gift can win you over? BITCH buy me something Mark-related and you earn like 20 points. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? Depends on who you are. In almost any case, no. They're awkward. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Do you sleep naked? No. Is smoking a turn-off? Yes. Is there a certain tv show you get upset if you miss? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else’s house? When I was at Sara's a year or so back. What is one food you always crave? Ice cream. Are you an exercise freak? Hunny- What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Snakes don't scare me, so spooders. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? No. Would you ever get implants? Nah. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s sibling? No. Are you more of a 'girly girl’ or a 'tomboy’? A tomboy. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. Are you addicted to texting? No.

#survey #quiz #questions

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thisselflovecamebacktome · 9 months ago

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Do you think anxiety and depression (or any other mental illness actually) can turn you into a very selfish person? Like i know i'm not the one suffering the worst in the world but there's so much happening in the world and all i can think about is me. What i did wrong, what i shouldn't say, what i should change about me, what i need to stop doing etc and all me me me. And like i'm working on my issues but sometimes i feel like all i think about all day is my wrongs and rights. Like i know whats happening around me but my thoughts always comes back to me.

If you want a short answer to this it's that life is complicated and being on the internet has only made this stuff worse so you are not alone but it's something that society needs to work on fixing.

The longer answer is that I'm not quite sure selfish is the word I would use; especially if you're on the younger side (because being self absorbed kinda comes with the childhood/early 20s territory imho). Instead I would call it self absorbed because to me selfish has the connotation of deliberately neglecting others' needs whereas self absorbed is more unconscious and covers things like hyperfixation on what others think of you and so on as well as the neglect; and I feel like on the most part what you are describing is the second. But that may just be semantics to some people. Ultimately I think it comes down to intent and willingness to grow.

Some questions that may change my answer include:

"Who does this behaviour hurt?". The answer is definitely yourself, maybe others but not always. Additionally "Who does this behaviour benefit?". Chances are only corporations and others who don't want you focusing on anything outside yourself or otherwise have something to sell you that you wouldn't have brought if you weren't insecure or had support etc.

"Have people told me this hurts them and what has been my response?". If people are telling you that you're not stepping up in ways that are realistic to expect and you continuously ignore them to wallow in your own insecurities and pain, you may want to look into that. If nobody has, another question that you may want to consider is "Have I let people know I'm struggling?". We are a social species and while yes, you need to do the work if you want to change, it's always going to be easier with a support system.

"What can I change about this?". You mention world events, but are you in a position where you can help (whether that be financially, emotionally etc)? Like are you doom scrolling/otherwise overloaded with painful information with no intention or avenue to help? Or are there charities, protests, emails or something else you can partake in to help? Would it instead be more helpful to turn off the computer/phone and use that time to work on yourself so that you can hopefully show up better for the world in the future? I'd also like to draw your attention to this link as it is a free, daily but quick way you can make a difference for Palestine if you are trying to find a place to start. In general I will also note that unless you're some like multimillionaire or something (jokingly: if you are, let me know I'll drop my paypal lmao), small goals are always going to be the best way forward if you are trying to make change within yourself or society because they're easier to stick to.

"What tools do I have available to me to manage or even recover from these illnesses?". This could be turning off social media (something pretty much created for us to feel anxiety and inadequacy at this point), doing something positive (whether it be for yourself; a run, bath, reading, other hobby, calling a loved one, therapy etc or society; advocacy, giving to charity helping in a food kitchen etc) to change your mood or simply being easier on yourself knowing that everyone feels this to some degree. Like this is going to be different for everybody so find what works for you.

"Have I allowed myself to express, feel and heal from what is bothering me? Do I even know what is bothering me?" Most of the time if people are neglecting others due to mental health, it's because something has triggered their illness and isn't being dealt with. Sometimes this is easy to identify and fix (just say if you haven't eaten all day then feel low and crabby come nightfall, chances are that even if you're not fully recovered you will feel at least partially better after eating etc), sometimes it's things we've bottled up and other times the straw that broke the camel's back actually isn't the issue at all and it's something that we haven't historically moved past or a combination of things we let build up. Working on this stuff ironically will, in time, lead to it taking up less of your thoughts and actions.

And finally "Would I be calling anyone else selfish for acting this way?". This is connected with the above but life is not the oppression olympics or on the other side of things, a competition of who can do the most or be the most or whatever else for others. If you genuinely feel like you're working on your mental health and generally doing the best you can, why is that not enough; especially if you think it is for others?

Anyway that was a rant and a half but I hope you are looking after yourself and not being too rough on yourself while still allowing yourself to grow 💜

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wardencommanderrodimiss · 5 years ago

Text

Discord of Prosecutors and Detectives

More Bullshit Defense AU fic, and a different Discord server from the other times. Set right after Turnabout Time Traveler.

[A Discord server named “Official Los Angeles Distrinct Prosecutors Office”. The typo has been present since the creation of the server and never fixed. It contains a number of channels, such as “general”, “important announcements”, “unimportant announcements”, “work vent”, “family vent”, “other vent”, “meme quarantine”, and “meme breach of containment”.]

September 24, 2028 4:33pm [general]

Forensics Fuck-O so that’s in short how Fran and I get to go to a fancy rich people wedding

the defendant is Freud’s corpse not to sound rude to prosecutors or anything since I work with you all and am friends with you all but I’m surprised they invited the prosecution like in general it’s not you Frau it’s just like generally why would you invite someone who tried to convict you for murder to your wedding

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Ah. That may present a future problem.

the defendant is Freud’s corpse well no that’s different we knew you like. before you prosecuted Trucy also that’s different because you weren’t even trying to convict her

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard That is a blatantly untrue statement, Ms. Cykes. I was doing my job to the whole of my abilities.

the defendant is Freud’s corpse right yknow I guess you’re not lying if you consider the job of a prosecutor to be catching the guilty and not just convicting whatever defendant they place in front of you because you were not trying to convict Trucy like in the slightest

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Well, Thalassa did tell me that the identity of the victim was not the original Mr. Reus, and further that the Gramarye-hating TV producer who committed contract fraud was the original Mr. Reus, and should that not be enough to make anyone suspicious? I could hardly discount critical testimony from my brother’s other mother.

Forensics Fuck-O Isn’t it ‘brother from another mother’

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Yes and I said what I said, because my family tree is a mangrove swamp.

Surrounded by Fools That is correct because I just realized that we may be related.

the defendant is Freud’s corpse but like Trucy aside I mean like this situation where you’d never met the fancy rich people having a wedding before and you’re the one trying to get the bride convicted and she’s like hey come to my third attempt at a wedding reception maybe this one will work out

Forensics Fuck-O The defense was invited and that’s Miles and Mr Wright and Maya so they kinda encouraged the invite to us Which is fantastic because that catering was dope

FaraGAY I’m so jealous I wanna go to a wedding on a blimp hey @Surrounded by Fools if ur bro and Nick ever get married can they get a “we saved ur asses” discount from the Sprocketts to rent the blimp for their wedding or can you and Emmy get ur shits together and get married on a blimp who doesn’t want a blimp wedding

Forensics Fuck-O lmao you should’ve seen Mr Wright’s face when we went out on top of the blimp he looked like he was gonna hork and just dragged us all back down I don’t think he wants a blimp wedding

FaraGAY hey what about that other part that I said are u ignoring that

Forensics Fuck-O Conspicuously ignoring that, in fact

the defendant is Freud’s corpse I wanna attend a wedding on a blimp or just like any wedding because I remember the food was good at my moms’ and I got to eat a lot of it because we got a lot of food but only invited like ten people

Birdman-dono Which unfortunately meant less people to hear my roast of my sister.

the defendant is Freud’s corpse I don’t care what my mom says about your speechifying I’m totally letting you make a speech at my wedding it’ll be MY wedding so I get to choose to get roasted! anyway @everyone someone get married already!! Blimp time!!!!!

Guilty Love, on the kazoo Mhm, Apollo isn’t fond of heights so I don’t think that’s something we would do.

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Are y you marrying my brother?

Guilty Love, on the kazoo Huh? No

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Then why NOT? Either commit or stop stringing him along.

Guilty Love, on the kazoo wait

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard I have been very restrained about not kicking your ass but this is my little brother we are talking about. And one thing I know very well about Apollo is that he prefers stability and certainty because we spent enough of our childhoods not knowing what was coming in the next day or hour.

Guilty Love, on the kazoo wait

the defendant is Freud’s corpse I think there’s a communication issue somewhere in here

Forensics Fuck-O Thanks for that, Sherlock

Birdman-dono lmao

Guilty Love, on the kazoo I am not currently planning a wedding to your brother but I would not be averse to the prospect

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Oh Well then why AREN’T you currently planning it? That’s a joke this time.

Guilty Love, on the kazoo Danke I was not sure

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard It would not be a joke from my parents but I am not them. I know you were frustrated that Apollo didn’t tell you what was happening back in May in time for you to come to Khura’in with us and help us sort out everything but that was probably better for you that you didn’t have to survive our parents cross-examining and interrogating you on when you plan to propose to Apollo.

Guilty Love, on the kazoo Why am I the one who has to and not him

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk You think they DON’T hassle him about it?

Guilty Love, on the kazoo A h

FaraGAY LMAOOOO

DebestGAY guy entering the room that is on fire with pizza dot gif

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard ‘Where are the grandkids, Apollo? We’re WAITING!’

Guilty Love, on the kazoo They do uh realize that uh

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard ‘Just adopt a dozen, Apollo, what are you waiting for?’

Guilty Love, on the kazoo A DOZEN

FaraGAY LMAO KLAV RIP

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard I am well aware that had my aunt not been a human nightmare, and then the country needed rebuilding after her reign, that I would have at least ten younger siblings.

Forensics Fuck-O So they’re just like the Fran’s dad of the eastern hemisphere like here are the eight young adults who have lived out of the guest room at some point or another

FaraGAY half of the current legal system half of this chat yknow anyway we drifted away from the point of this convo WHICH WAS harassing someone into getting married so we can go party on a blimp

DebestGAY Couldn’t we just rent a blimp and throw a non-wedding party?

FaraGAY get ur logic out of here we want a blimp party and to encourage our stupid friends to stop beating round the bush and just get married already

Surrounded by Fools I’ll tell Maya that you’re planning to propose soon, then, and it can be your wedding.

FaraGAY wait

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Kurain Village likely has some very specific wedding traditions for their mediums that could not be held on a blimp, no?

FaraGAY yeah think so thx for the out, my dude

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard That was not an ‘out’. That was an ‘obviously your solution is to have two ceremonies’. Hop to it.

the defendant is Freud’s corpse HELL yeah!!! two parties!!! double food!!!!!

FaraGAY o fuck yeah Maya would like that okay maybe if none of u other LOSERS are then I will be the one to get married and have a BLIMP PARTY

September 24, 2028 11:37pm [general]

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Ms. Cykes, there is something I meant to ask you about your name in this server. And that ‘something’ is: what?

the defendant is Freud’s corpse I’m gonna dig up Freud and put him on trial for crimes against 1. humanity 2. classic literature it’s not like Oedipus WANTED that to happen!! so anyway it’s like you know that one pope who dug up his predecessor and put him on trial and sentenced him

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard NO??

the defendant is Freud’s corpse yeah go look that up you were prob already looking that up before I said but yeah that’s what I wanna do with Freud

Literally Royal, Metaphorically Bastard Thank you for making me hate myself for asking.

the defendant is Freud’s corpse

✌️

September 30 9:43pm [general]

Forensics Fuck-O fancy rich people wedding update: Larry caught the bouquet and you all know what that means so @FaraGAY if you wanna have the first flying wedding of our social group you’ll have to beat him to it

FaraGAY can’t believe Ol Larold is gonna get married good for him he’d better invite me or I’ll break his knees

Surrounded by Fools Larold

FaraGAY ye Ol Larold Butt

Forensics Fuck-O I’m gonna break your knees

#bullshit defense au #bullshit defense fic #i had the joke of that exchange between nahyuta and klavier in mind for a while #but i couldn't think of like. what would be going on that everyone's jsut sitting around talking #what would be happening in between the dialogue #so then i was like DISCORD FIC and here we go again #i haven't been writing much lately so this is kind of a warm-up to get back into it

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iridescentanachronism · 6 years ago

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when one night only turns into two

hello folks, i have never written fanfiction and never used this blog! i guess i’m diving in headfirst LMAO!!!

this is a lil blurb i thought of when y/n is a singer (not super big but for sure up and coming) and she covers kiwi at one of her shows and it goes viral and harry notices and decides to just SHOW UP at her show the balls on this guy!! anyways this is my first fic so please be kind! constructive criticism is always welcome

“thank you for coming out tonight! your presence gives me the ability to do my job- i will always be grateful for each and every single one of you. drive safely and love one another, los angeles. thanks again for having me, you have been wonderful.”

as you walked off the small stage at the house of blues your heart swelled with pride. this was your first show out of state, and from what the audience sounded like, you had crushed it. performing in LA had always been a dream of yours, but a daunting one, considering that their crowds were used to big names and powerful stage presences. you were intimidated by the city- yet you walked off their stage with an indescribable feeling of pride, adrenaline, and confidence. this was the start of something new and you could feel it.

feeling someone’s eyes on you, you made a sharp turn and ran into your tour manager, rosco. “hello! hey, hey, hey, that was amazing wasn’t it? the energy felt absolutely maddening! god, i could do that everyday for the rest of my life. what do you think? was it too much, did we do too many covers?” the words seemed to flow right out of you, even though you gave LA your all, it was still LA, and rosco had always been your best critic. he quickly responded to let you know it was as amazing as you’d originally thought, and that if this show was any indication, you would have plenty more shows in LA.

what you didn’t expect, however, was the ruckus that one of the aforementioned covers would cause on twitter. you had always loved harry styles, and after taking quite some time to look into the legalities on the matter, decided to cover kiwi for the first time last night. logging into your account, you noticed the song title trending- and after clicking on it you were led to a video of your show, hair being shaken around you, throwing yourself around the stage with the heavy music, and the scene was completed with a boisterous crowd jumping around and singing every word along with you. a smile covered your face- this is your favorite part of performing, losing yourself entirely in the stage, and in this video you were doing just that. however excited you had become at the potential this showed for your career, you immediately had so many questions. why had this blown up so much? you covered four songs last night, why is this one such a big deal? after looking through the tag, chuckling at some memes, and being freaked out by some responses, you had found the tweet that made you lose your shit. the tweet itself wasn’t even the raunchiest you had found this morning, it simply stated: “@y/t/n: fuck my shit up, babe. literally, whatever you want to do to me, do it” with the linked video of you singing kiwi. however, one thing in particular stood out to you. the part that said “liked by harry styles”.

you immediately dialed rosco, not only is he your tour manager, but basically your entire support system. a musicians life gets lonely, and he is the only one who has stuck by you throughout the entire tumultuous journey.

“sweetheart! perfect timing, i actually was just about to call-”

“harrystylessawthekiwivideoandlikedatweetaboutitholyfuckingshit-” you started to ramble, your most prominent nervous trait, in the highest pitch rosco thought he had ever heard from you.

“sweets, first of all, where was that pitch when we recorded the album? second, take a breath and tell me again, i can’t understand a damn thing you said”

you took a deep breath and told him of the tweets you saw, and when you told him about harry’s interaction he simply told you to chill out. he had favorited a tweet, and he may not have even been the one to do it. with an odd sting you realized he was correct, while it was exciting to have your idol recognize you, you could not overthink it: it was simply recognition for a job well done.

“it seems as though the people you needed to impress are just as proud of you as i am, lovey, your ‘one night only’ in los angeles has been extended to two, you interested in doing it all over again tomorrow night?”

you must have looked like a goldfish in your kitchen, jaw slack and eyes wide open, you struggled to come to your senses. you had asked for the chance to prove yourself in a city known for music, and good music at that, and were apparently being gifted with a second chance.

“oh! um, yes, of course, why wouldn’t i? holy shit, this is amazing, holy shit!” you began to squeal and run in circles around your house. whilst giggling with elation, the seriousness of this event hit you: two nights of rocking out with the liveliest crowd you have ever played for, in the city you’ve dreamt of doing this in for years. drops began to form in your eyes as you managed to spit out a quick thank you to rosco, who knew you would cry. he, quite frankly, did not want to hear your tears, so he hung up after telling you what to tweet.

after logging on you realized you had gone from a respectable 10k followers to an overwhelming 30k, you almost squealed again, composing yourself enough to type, you wrote:

@y/t/n: wow. in absolute awe of you la. thank you for supporting me, and thank you for letting me do what i do. and thanks to you all, i have been gifted another night here (-: night two at the hob! tickets on sale at 6pm california time, come see me tomorrow night, peeps! i’ll be sure to make it worth your while <3

with the click of your fingers and the ping of your phone, the announcement had been sent, and the stage had been sent. the pressure was on, and you had never felt more in your element.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

everything that could have gone wrong on the morning of your fateful second show, had. you had woken up late (something minor, but was an omen for your bad day), gotten a flat tire, been hit on by the man sent to fix said flat tire, and had been late to soundcheck. after arriving at soundcheck you had found that everything was wrong, the stage wasn’t set up correctly, the duct-taped x’s from the previous show had been removed, and you had to all but start from the beginning.

you had planned to change things up from your previous gig, but had no time to practice the changes. you spoke to your band and hoped that was enough, you drank some coffee, did some jumping jacks, warmed up your vocals, and put on your game face. this is your second show in LA, and you weren’t going to let anything ruin it; hearing the sounds of a sold out bar in front of you, feeling your heart began to flutter in your chest, and knowing that in a few minutes you would be putting on the best show of your goddamn life had set you up well. you were ready. with your shoulders back and head up high, you walked onto stage and, unknowingly, commanded the attention of the room.

about twenty minutes into your set you decided to take a quick breather. taking a long sip of water and leaning into the microphone, you decided to do a quick little check in, “hey folks, hows everyone doing out there?” your southern drawl had just slipped in towards the end, and you felt so at ease on stage that you hadn’t even noticed. someone else did notice.

harry styles had decided to surprise you at your show, he had favorited that tweet because he agreed- you could do whatever you wanted to him, but he would rather do whatever you wanted to you. he had his signature smirk on as he stood backstage, listening to rosco ramble about how surprized you would be when you realized he had come, and how much you adored his album. as you continued to banter back in forth with the sold out bar, harry had taken note of how peaceful you looked. you stood proudly on stage, with messy hair, and a sick body you looked comfortable; the stage had seemed like your home.

luckily, you hadn’t noticed harry the entire show, hadn’t even noticed how his eyes hadn’t left your body while you passionately belted out every word to his song, completely losing yourself in the melody, and delivering another breathtaking performance. he watched you take your final bow, and heard your last expression of gratitude, before watching you run off stage and into the arms of your tour manager. harry quickly noticed the tears in your eyes and the smile so large that it looked painful, he heard your rambling and the joy in your voice, it had reminded him of when this was all new, when nothing was guaranteed, and the only thing keeping him in this trying industry was the feeling you were experiencing right now.

his moment of nostalgia passed as you had unraveled yourself from rosco’s arms and did a double take. harry styles was standing in front of you. you heard a deep chuckle coming from him, likely due to your wide eyes and gaping mouth, he heard a quiet “no fucking way” come from you, and decided he had waited long enough. as cocky as usual, he rasped out, “hello love, your show was amazing. it’s a pleasure to meet you, i’m harry, as i think you may know” he didn’t bother waiting for a response from the gobsmacked young woman before continuing, “y’know, i’ve seen plenty of covers of kiwi, but none have been as genuine as yours. you captured the song for what it is, you blew it away, blew me away in fact, so i knew i had to come out and see ya tonight.” his accent grew thicker as he became more bemused with your state of shock.

your breath eventually caught up to you as you nervously chuckled, “holy shit, thank you so much. you have no idea how much that means coming from you. thank you for coming out, oh my god, i have so much to say to you but nothing is coming to mind other than thank you, so thank you, again”

“of course, darling, i loved it. i’ll be sure to pass along my number so whatever comes to mind can be said. unfortunately, i have to run, but i’ll be seeing you around kiddo, keep up the good work” harry said with a sly wink, leaving you flushed at the pet name, and yearning for more time with him. while you let out a soft thank you and goodnight, you began to think of what the future held for you. praise from harry styles was not to be taken lightly, and his impromptu visit had only fanned the flame in your soul, his visit meant you were doing something right, and this had been the fuel you needed to continue putting in long hours at the studio, and spending evenings alone, writing in your shitty and overpriced apartment.

while you had been thinking of what this visit meant for your career. harry had thoughts of you headlining arenas swimming around in his head. as he walked away he thought of you; thought of how immensely talented you were, how charismatic you were, and how far you had to go. he also thought of your grace, the presence you carried as you pranced around on stage, and the charming beauty that you seemed unaware of. harry styles knew you were talented, but he also knew you were breathtaking, and he could see absolutely nothing stopping you.

as he walked away and you listened to rosco’s compliments, you allowed your own mind to wander. maybe, just maybe, things were going to look up for you. and you couldn’t help but sigh happily at the thought.

A/N: hello peeps! sorry this was super long hmm i’m torn between cutting it or not, because not much harry but also the buildup is important to me, please let me know what you prefer! constructive criticism is ALWAYS welcome and apprecited! thanks for reading this far if you did, you mean the world to me! let me know if y’all would want a part two (-:

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tempestaurora · 6 years ago

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WHUMPVEMBER #21: HARSH CLIMATE

i cant believe i actually finished this one in time lmao, it’s a mess AO3

Once upon a time, everyone was safe, happy and healthy, and nothing bad ever happened.

Tony wished. Nothing was ever that simple in the life of a fucking superhero-billionaire-moron with a dumbass teenager to look after. Especially when neither of them had any self-preservation instincts at all.

“You’re getting better at it,” Pepper had mused only two days earlier when she was sticking a bright pink Peppa Pig plaster over a cut on his forehead. “Really. Not going out on every mission possible. You’re making less suits, spending more time at home. And the other day you unironically bought pot pourri.”

Tony frowned. “The bathroom needed it.”

“I agree,” she said with a nod, then leaned back with realisation. “Oh, I get it now. Self-preservation instincts and being domestic go hand in hand with you.”

“That’s not true.”

“It absolutely is. You’re a trophy housewife and you love it.”

Tony hesitated, then considered for a moment. He shrugged. “At least I’m an attractive trophy housewife.”

Pepper pressed a kiss against his lips before checking her handy work with the plaster one last time. “If you weren’t, I would’ve divorced you for a younger model already.”

“Hey,” he said as she turned to place their makeshift first aid kit back in the kitchen cupboard. “If we have kids I can finally transform into my final form of stay-at-home-dad.”

Pepper laughed and she was the brightest thing in the room. “I’ll get back to you on that one. Besides, you already have a spider child to look after. You’d have your hands full with baby Starks running around.”

“Baby Starks,” Tony noted with a smile. “Plural.”

Pepper rolled her eyes. “Stop getting into fights with cupboard doors,” she said, gesturing to the cut on his forehead. “Tell Peter he’s invited to dinner on Friday.”

Tony had sent off a text before Pepper had even left the room, a smile firmly on his face as it usually was when he and Pepper talked about their possible family. For most of his life, children hadn’t even fit into the picture of Tony Stark – but in the previous few years, since a certain Parker tripped, stumbling and a little oblivious, into his life, Tony couldn’t imagine anything else.

TONY: dinner at mine on friday, pepper’s orders

PETER: u got it mr stark

Self-preservation instincts: something Peter Parker didn’t have.

Friday came around quickly; Tony managing to shirk most of the responsibilities for his company in the meantime and focus more on his personal projects, like fixing FRIDAY’s firewall and improving the spider-drone in Peter’s suit.

Friday morning greeted Tony with a snow storm.

He blinked, staring out at the white-covered city; snow falling at such a fast pace it was a wonder he could see anything at all. From the top floor of Stark Tower, New York looked like a white blanket, spread far and wide beneath a grey sky.

At ten AM, he received the notification that Peter was wearing the Spiderman suit.

Tony frowned, tapping his phone screen and bringing up Peter’s phone number.

He answered on the second ring.

“Morning, Mr Stark!”

“Hey, Pete,” Tony said, slow, nursing a cup of coffee as the holoscreens in front of him ran projections and numbers, one after another.

“Did you see all the snow?” Peter asked, and Tony could hear the wind and distant car horns blaring.

“Uh, yeah, I did. I also saw that you’re in your suit.”

“Sure am.”

“What happened to that little institution called school?”

Peter laughed and whooped. Tony was pretty sure he’d done a flip. “Snow day! School’s cancelled!”

“So you thought you’d Spiderman in the snow? Peter, you’re bad with the cold, I thought we talked about this last winter.” Last winter, Peter had frozen to the bone when May’s apartment heating went out. He’d been wearing four layers when May called Tony to ask if Peter could stay at the tower until the heating was fixed. Tony had taken both of them in for three weeks and bought Peter a new winter coat, seeing as his old one was worn and threadbare. He’d also gotten a minor case of pneumonia in the process. Tony was pretty sure they’d dealt with this before.

“It’s fine,” Peter promised. “I’ve got the suit heater on and my Spiderman hoodie and my coat. It’s fine! I’ve never Spidermanned in the snow before!”

“We’ve got to stop using Spiderman as a verb,” Tony muttered before sighing. “Alright, okay. If you’re sure. Don’t be late for dinner.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it! You guys order the best take out.”

“Hey! What if we were planning on cooking?”

He could hear Peter’s snort over the wind. “Pepper doesn’t like cooking after a day at work and you can’t cook to save your life. If you’re taking votes, mine goes to Chinese, okay?”

Tony rolled his eyes, mentally marking it down. “Alright, Underoos. Go fight crime. And go inside if you get too cold.”

“Yes Mom.”

Peter hung up and Tony span around in his chair, once, before dropping his phone back on the desk. “Teenagers,” he muttered.

Peter was late. Of course he was.

“I told him to get here on time,” Tony muttered, pulling out his phone as Pepper searched the kitchen for plates and cutlery.

“He’s a teenager,” she said with a vague wave of her hand. “They don’t know what punctuality is. Now imagine that but with children. They have no time management skills.”

Tony snorted, bringing up Peter’s tracker. “You realise that as the parents, we’d be in charge of their time management, right?”

Pepper hummed as if she wasn’t so sure.

Tony zoomed in on the map that appeared before him and hesitated, finding that Peter was motionless on a Manhattan rooftop about six blocks out from the tower. He checked the logs and found that the suit hadn’t moved for the past hour.

“FRI,” he said, “there haven’t been any notifications of Peter getting hurt today, right?”

“None at all, sir,” FRIDAY replied.

“What’s happening?” Pepper asked, placing the stack of plates on the kitchen table in front of him. She peered over his shoulder at the phone screen.

“He hasn’t moved in a while. He’s half an hour late and he’s spent the last hour above a diner by the park. I’m gonna call him.” Tony frowned then, listening to the phone ringing and not get picked up. A moment later, he checked the map and still found Peter not to be moving – usually when Tony phoned, Peter at least realised he was supposed to be somewhere else.

Pepper breathed out a sigh through her nose. “You’re gonna go and get him, right?”

“Yeah,” Tony said, quiet. “I’d better. You know you could come, too, right?”

“What about the take out?”

“FRIDAY can just tell the delivery guy to leave it in the elevator. We’ll get it when we come back.” Pepper pursed her lips and Tony knew she was one good excuse from cracking. “We could test run your suit,” he said with a smile.

Pepper’s arms twisted around his neck, a smile playing across her lips. “You mean my superhero suit?”

“Yes, Mrs Stark, I mean your super badass superhero suit.”

She hummed once and then smiled. “Okay! Okay. Let’s go pick up your child.”

Tony snorted, taking her outstretched hand to head for the balcony. “We’re married, Pep. He’s yours too, you know.”

“You shouldn’t say that,” she said, opening the door, the cold air rushing at them suddenly. “Because if he’s mine too, I’ll make sure I get custody of him in the divorce.”

Tony gasped. “You would never.”

“Watch me.”

Pepper had barely winced when Tony had injected the sensors into her arms. She’d been listing off stock prices and key numbers he needed to remember for an upcoming meeting, and she hadn’t even let him know she could even feel it. (Sometimes, Tony thought about Extremis and how he wiped it from her system – sometimes, he wondered if a slither of it remained in the way her eyes shone something dangerous when she was angry, and how pain meant much less to her after having her insides boil.)

They called to the suits in tandem; cold air biting at their skin before metal pieces interlocked around their limbs; shining red and gold for Tony and a sleek purple and black for Pepper. Their faceplates slammed into place last and Tony took an appreciative look at Pepper’s suit, the heaters starting up automatically.

“I should’ve given you a suit years ago,” he commented.

“Yes,” Pepper replied. “You should’ve.”

They shot off into the sky, Peter’s location blinking on their visors. He still hadn’t moved. They raced over, making the distance in only a matter of seconds; Pepper looping in the air as she went just for the hell of it and Tony, taking the time to look at the ant-people on the street, bundled up warm and pointing at the two armoured heroes flying overhead.

“There,” he said, pinpointing the roof next to the park. He landed first, Pepper shortly after and frowned, visor slipping up.

“There’s no one here,” Pepper said, stating the obvious. The roof was entirely empty; just coated with thick snow and—footprints. Tony stepped over to them, looking at how they trailed in circles, slipped about and eventually moved to the edge of the roof where, Tony assumed, Peter had jumped off.

For his own peace of mind, he glanced over the ledge and released a breath at the alley below, empty of vigilantes and injured bodies alike.

“Tony,” Pepper said from behind him. He turned, finding that she’d followed a large loop of the footprints all the way over to the other side of the roof, where the short wall that included the door heading inside stood. She span to face him, holding a ratty backpack in her hands. “Found his suit.”

Tony stepped over as she pulled the familiar fabric of the Spiderman suit out of the pack. The rest of it held a half-read book, a jumble of pens and change and Peter’s house keys with a tiny Iron Man keyring.

“I better get a Rescue line of merch when we officially unveil me to the world,” Pepper said, smirking at the keyring. By holding down a small button on the foot, the arc reactor glowed blue.

“I’m sure you will,” Tony replied. “I’ll get you a Rescue sweatshirt and everything.” He was pretty sure it would be similar to the red one that he owned – only purple with the same arc reactor in the centre of the chest; the power core to the suit. “Let’s focus on finding Peter, first.”

Pepper hummed, zipping the backpack shut and slinging it over her shoulder. Wisps of webbing drifted in the wind. “Call him again.”

Tony did. This time, thank god, Peter picked up.

“Hey!” he said, and Peter could hear chatter and laughter, rather than the wind, this time.

“Hey yourself,” Tony replied, “you had a look at the time recently?”

There was a pause then, “Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Mr Stark! I got totally side-tracked!”

“We noticed.”

He could almost hear Peter’s wince. “Oh my god, is Miss Potts mad at me?”

“It’s Mrs Stark now,” Tony replied, mild, “but no, she isn’t. We came looking for you when you didn’t pick up the phone though. We’ve got your backpack – where are you?”

“I’m at the park over the road,” Peter said and yelped suddenly. “Hey! Unfair! I’m on the phone!”

Tony nodded over to the far side of the roof, where the road was, and Pepper followed him over. Across the road a small park sat, half play park with a jungle gym and swing set, and half a patch of grass. The grass side contained about ten kids, all high school-aged, competing in a snowball fight. The grass was tramped over, the fences and benches were used as cover, and the teenagers were laughing uproariously as they leapt about, pretending to be action heroes as they threw snowballs and dodged dramatically.

“Well this is better than him being tragically injured,” Pepper noted. “So, about 200% better than whatever scenario I was imagining.”

“Agreed,” Tony replied.

“Sorry, sorry,” Peter said, on the phone. Tony noticed him on the far left, hidden behind the bench, his body swamped in his Spiderman hoodie and winter coat. “I can meet you back at the tower or something? Or on the roof? I’ll swing back?”

“Oh, no, kid,” Tony responded with a smile. “I’ve got a better idea.” He hung up, shared a knowing grin with Pepper and the two of them leapt off the roof, flying over to the park.

He heard Peter’s groan beneath the shocked gasps of the teenagers. Tony and Pepper, faceplates removed, looked between the groups.

Tony clapped his hands together. “I wanna be on Pete’s team,” he announced. “Pep, we’re gonna kick your ass.”

She raised her eyebrows, looking over to where Peter was moving out from behind the bench, Ned nearby and in awe, MJ tilting her head at the two of them. “Sorry, sweetie, he called you first. Don’t worry though, I’m getting custody of you in the divorce.”

Peter groaned then shook his head. “I’m not legally your child,” he replied, seemingly deciding it was better to just accept his fate than fight it.

“Key word: legally,” Pepper replied, before spinning on her heel and joining the right-hand team.

“Oh my god, you’re Pepper Potts,” a girl on that team said. She’d later be introduced as Cindy, but for now, Pepper grinned.

“Pepper Stark as of a month and a half ago,” she corrected as she ditched Peter’s backpack with the pile of them by the fence. “But call me Pepper.”

Tony wandered over to the other team, slinging and armoured arm around Peter.

“Are you going to embarrass me?” Peter asked as his friends – Tony recognised them all from the Academic Decathlon team – joined the group huddle.

“Oh absolutely,” Tony replied, “but that’s what you get for being late to dinner. Plus, embarrassing your child is an excellent Dad move and I’m trying to convince Pepper to have kids.”

Peter snorted then let out a bark of laughter when a snowball slammed into the back of Tony’s head. He span around suddenly, seeing Pepper, smirking, her entire team already in defensive positions, each holding a snowball.

“Keep up, short stuff,” she said.

Tony narrowed his eyes. “Oh, it’s on.”

(When the three of them returned home that night, freezing, tired and laughing, they found cold Chinese takeaway sitting in the elevator, and elected to just cook a frozen pizza instead.

“Good parenting,” Peter commented, mild, when Pepper asked if he wanted desert. He got a light flick around the ear from Pepper, but Tony winked at him across the table. Yeah, they’d be pretty good parents, he thought, even to ones with little-to-no self-preservation instincts.)

#pepperony #irondad spiderson #marvel #mcu #tony stark #bethany talks #whumpvember

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botanyshitposts · 7 years ago

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gene guns? 👀

ooooo boy okay so

the problem with gene editing in general isn’t the gene editing itself, but getting the gene into an organism in a way that it can modify the stuff inside of it. this is surprisingly difficult to do.

so in modern applications, we have stuff like CRISPR. CRISPR is essentially a modified viral structure. to back up even further here, viruses aren’t traditionally considered organisms so much as they’re considered molecular machines; a virus reproduces itself by injecting its own RNA (an offset of DNA that can be easily replicated by the cell) into a cell; this results in the cell integrating the invading RNA into the genome of the cell, where it then can be converted into proteins that make up more viruses. once the viruses become too numerous for the cell to handle, the cell literally explodes, and the viruses that burst out of the cell go to other cells and repeat the process.

now, CRISPR doesn’t work exactly like that. CRISPR is comprised of a virus, yes, but instead of infecting a host with a terrible virus that kills cells and things, CRISPR uses the starting machinery- the stuff that cuts and pastes- plus whatever gene you want, and instead of an infection just introduces the modified genes into the cell’s genome, where after a number of tries, the cell might decide to integrate it fully and begin expressing it. i’m not educated enough on the exact mechanisms of CRISPR to explain it in any further detail here, but know as a clarification that you couldn’t really ‘catch’ a CRISPR ‘virus’; technically what CRISPR is based off of is a bacteriophage, witch is a simple virus that specifically infects bacteria, not humans.

UPDATE/CORRECTION: ive been informed that CRISPR isn’t in fact a virus in and of itself, but rather a piece of genetic material isolated from the immune systems of bacteria, which preforms a variety of functions with RNA and DNA of the cell including, but not limited to, fighting viruses to an extent.

so imagine this: your friend is in a manhole on a construction site. the ladder in the manhole is broken, and to free themselves, they’ll need to fix it with your help. to do this, you will have to help them modify the ladder by replacing a broken rung, so you get some supplies in a bucket to lower down to them. it’s very dark in the manhole, and they can’t see what they’re supposed to cut, so you first put in the bucket 1. a glow in the dark map to show them where the broken rung is on the ladder. then, you put in 2. a special pair of scissors to cut the old rung out. finally, you put in 3. a new rung. your friend already has glue because they’re just like that. you lure the bucket in with a rope, and using the supplies in the bucket your friend replaces the broken parts. your friend is pretty smart; sometimes, there are multiple rungs that are broken with all different instructions, and your friend can replace them all!

the bucket, and the things in the bucket, represent CRISPR and what it does; the only thing we change are the instructions on what to cut and the rung to replace it. (this was a rambling analogy that is completely unnecessary to answer the gene gun question but i wanted to learn about it and repeating it like that here helps me learn the topic so yeah.)

i’ve never used it myself, but i’ve been told that in plant applications, CRISPR physically manifests as a weird jelly that you load up with whatever fun stuff you want (the actual gene editing has to be done via another process in advance) and rub on the plant, and the machinery takes it from there. it’s really cool technology.

now, here’s the thing. CRISPR is pretty new technology, too. it’s cheap, it’s effective, it’s very clean, and it doesn’t mess things up too much.

now, before we had nice rad slime to put on things that would change an organism’s genome for us, we had people in the corn business in the mid-80s who wanted to genetically modify corn faster. so they did the normal, sane thing to do, which is to just fucking shoot the cells. like. with cell-sized bullets, bc fuck those guys.

so a ‘gene gun’ works like this: you got ur metal box equipped with an airsoft-rifle-like discharge, in the sense that it discharges a high-pressure air blast. you got ur DNA that u want put in the cells. you got ur cells, in plant contexts in the form of weird lumps of cells that can just regenerate into a full plant the same way a weed could fully regenerate from a single root, because plants are just like that. finally, you got ur nanoparticles, usually of a heavy element like gold or tungsten.

you coat your heavy particles in the DNA in advance. u put them under the high-pressure air blast. under that, you put your poor plant cells that literally just want to live their lives. then, you turn on the gun, and it literally shoots the particles into the cells with the hope that at least one of the metal particles will just by chance happen to land inside the nucleus of a cell. like literally this is called ‘biolistics’. like ‘ballistics’ but it makes no fucking sense.

here’s an analogy: your friend is trapped in a manhole on a construction site. instead of lowering down a bucket of supplies to help them like a normal person, you just tape the new rung to the front of a gun and just fucking shoot at the old rung. ‘dude!’ cries ur friend, ‘dude, what the fuck man!’. you do not listen bc u do not care. this may not sound like it would properly insert the rung like, at all, and a lot of the time it doesn’t, but sometimes it does. more often it just makes ur friend upset and sometimes injures them. it’s a very ‘then perish’ approach to gene editing, but that’s literally how we did it before we had the magic that is CRISPR. if you would like to try this yourself, there are multiple videos on youtube that apparently instruct you on how to build your own, just like the Dupont Pioneer corn scientists that originally jerryrigged the very first one in a corn breeding center lab in the mid 80s! wow!

here’s a video of one firing. its a lot less climatic then i expected it to be (i’ve never seen one fired before in person); after a minute of the pressure building, the scientist flips a switch, and we see one of the protective coverings in the chamber just fucking break under the air pressure. i have no idea if its supposed to do that or not, but regardless i think its very symbolic of gene guns in general lmao. according to the description on the video, this is a test fire of tungsten particles coated with the DNA to make the successfully transformed cells glow. they’re firing at onion cells, which are commonly used in these test fires because they’re huge and make for bigger targets. they also note that if they’re lucky, about 1% of cells will end up actually glowing like they hope they will. thank god we have CRISPR now or we would never get anything done

youtube

#THIS IS SO LONG IM SO SORRY #asks #plont asks #CRISPR #lessons #queue #Anonymous

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buchanannn · 6 years ago

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Sleepless (Steve Rogers X Reader)

Summary: Steve can’t sleep, and you’re more than happy to help tire him out

Word Count: 3454

Warnings: SMUT, wee bit of angst, unprotected sex (why do I write it when I don’t support it, oral, lots of of, rough-ish sex, bit of ahem LANGUAGE from cap and u, naughty

A/N: this is like, one of the dirtier things I’ve written, I’m almost ashamed to post it but also like, why wouldn’t I? Y’know. Also I find that I make Steve super rough a lot idk why since he’s like a thicc string bean that probably only enjoys missionary lmao anyway nobody knows what it means but it’s provocative and it gets the people going hehe

When you first became an Avenger, you thought it would be fun to live in the compound. Like a massive sleepover with all of your best friends eating breakfast everyday, training together, watching movies together, making dinner. It was only when you actually moved in that you started to notice all the annoying things about living with a bunch of superheroes. Like Nat's tendencies to creep up on you when you had a hot coffee in your hand, or Tony's midnight explosions in the lab when he was tinkering in the early mornings. Your least favourite, however was Steve. Your quarters just so happened to share a wall with the gym, which had been fine in the beginning; you could sleep in and get to training in literally two seconds instead of the five minute walks that it took some of the others, you always had access to weights on your sleepless nights, the scent that the AI system constantly pumped the room with to get rid of the superhero sweat was absolutely delicious and constantly sept through the walls to your bedroom. Everything seemed like a plus side. And then Steve came along. You couldn't pinpoint when or why it happened, but one day he suddenly decided that he liked working out at night. Probably because the schedule was difficult and he loved having the place to himself. For the first week or so it was okay, you could deal with the quiet grunts and tiny shifts of the weights, that was fine. But then cardio came and the loud footsteps and the constant sound of his fist on a punching bag and suddenly, you couldn't take it.

You hadn't slept well in about two weeks, which wasn't fair in the slightest considering you'd had a total of zero missions. It was your rest time and Steve was ruining it. You had enough. You threw your covers off you, the rhythmic slap of his fist on the punching bag getting to be all to much. Padding across your living space to the apartments door, you swung it open with anger, stalking towards the gym door. You scanned your fingerprint on the scanner and frowned as you waited for your access to be granted. Steve didn't even notice you enter, his pace kept up without a missing beat as you stomped over to him. Once you were close enough to talk to him without it being too loud, you reached out to grab his shoulder. He jumped, his pace faltering as he swung around quickly.

"Christ, Y/N, you scared me." "Dude, I can't fucking sleep. I will literally give you my gym time if you stop fucking working out at night." You seethed. You didn't want to, you had the best work out time for you, when you were motivated in the morning, but you'd be more than willing to give it up if it meant a good nights rest. He looked from your face to the gym's wall and then his eyes widened. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think about that- " You immediately felt guilty. Why did you need to yell at him when you could've simply spoken to him over breakfast or something? God you were such an asshole. Your face softened. "No, it's okay. I just haven't been able to sleep."

"Me neither. Hence," he motioned toward the gym equipment. You furrowed your brows. "Why can't you sleep?" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I've been having nightmares."

You looked down at the polished concrete floors with a feeling of shame in your stomach. It couldn't have been easy for him, he'd lost so much. Been through hell and back. When you looked back up your eyes trailed his body. He was wearing only grey sweatpants, dog tags hanging around his neck and swinging across his sweaty torso. His hair fell messily in his face and dark bags hung under his eyes. You were too busy thinking about yourself that you hadn't noticed him.

"I'm sorry, Steve. I'm really sorry. Do, I dunno, do you wanna come and sit with me? So you're not alone." You suggested. It was the least you could do.

"No, no, it's fine. I don't wanna intrude." He Bega to unwrap the bandages from around his fists. "I've kept you up enough." Without more than a goodnight, he began out of the gym. You were left standing in the cold concrete room, feeling like shit.

The next night, there was no sound in the gym. If it weren't for the twisting of your stomach, you could've slept. But now you were kept up for a whole different reason. You chewed your lip, running a hand through your hair as you slid out of bed. This time, instead of the gym, you were going to talk to Steve somewhere else.

You knocked softly on his apartment door, the sliver of yellow light shining into the hallways from his room hinting to his state. He pulled open the door, wearing a similar ensemble from the night before minus the sweat. "Oh, hey." He smiled. He looked tired.

"I feel really bad about last night." You began. "It was super insensitive and like selfish. I didn't take into account what you were going through and I'm really sorry. You can work out whenever it's fine, really." He smiled softly, letting out a chuckle. "It's okay, Y/N. Seriously." "No, I was a dick." You dropped your eyes. "I mean, a little," he laughed. Your eyes snapped back to his defensively. "But you can make it up by coming to hang out with me?" You rolled your eyes with a wide smile. "Of course." He held the door for you, closing it softly after you were inside. His apartment was a bit of a mess, clothes strewn across the couch, random dumbbells placed across the floor and several sketch books open on the coffee table. "Yeah, sorry," he noticed your eyes. "Honestly, it's cleaner than my place." You laughed. He shook his head in disbelief. "I doubt that." You looked up at him, his slouched shoulders and sunken face barely recognisable. Without thinking, you reach up and press the pad of your thump to the crease between his furrowed brows, gently straightening out the wrinkles. His eyes glanced at you.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Steve." You pushed. You knew it was hard to open up, you'd been through years of trauma that you never wanted to speak about. But you also knew that talking helped. He shook his head as you dropped your hand.

"C'mon. You can trust me." You insisted.

He looked over quickly, scanning the features of your face. He let out a heavy, shaky sigh.

He shook his head as he spoke, as if he couldn't believe he was telling you. "I just, I can't forget these things. These dark, dark things. And I want to." You slipped an arm around his bare waist and lead him to the bed to sit. "What dark things?" "I don't dream anymore." He whispered. "I just remember. I saw my best friend die. And then I watched him try to kill me. I watched a man get sucked into space. I watched Tony sacrifice himself and then fall back to earth. I've killed people. People who were only doing their job. They didn't have any other choice and I killed them." "Hey," you hooked a finger under his chin forcing him to look at you. His eyes were glassy, filling with tears. "You're the good guy. You're Captain America." He broke his gaze from yours, closing his eyes as if he was ashamed. "We can't always be entirely good."

"But we try. You're the noblest person I know, Steve. And I've met a lot of people in my travels." You hesitated, his eyes moving back to yours. "I've killed people too. Good people. But we can't change that now. All we can do is be better. Repent. Grow. Save lives." Your words seemed to provide at least a little comfort. He even smiled, before his mind pulled him back into its darkest parts. "Saving lives doesn't give them back." "But it can balance out the good and bad. That's life. It's a balance. And no, we can't take back what we've done. But we can help restore the balance so evil doesn't triumph." You place a hand over his, offering a warm smile. "You're probably right." He nodded. You know he's not completely convinced and that's okay. It takes more than a pep talk to fix someone. All you can do is be present and support him. "I'm always right." You muttered. He laughed, a quick exhale from his nose. He looked down at your hand covering his and smiled distantly. He turned it over, palm up, and threaded his fingers with yours. He then looked up, blue eyes scanning your face.

"I know this may sound crazy, but can I kiss you?"

Your eyebrows shot upward mouth falling slightly ajar. You waited for the 'Just kidding' or the second thoughts, but his expectant stare didn't let up. "Y-yeah. Of course." That was all he needed. He leant toward you, kissing you softly, at first, and then deepening it as his hands moved to hold your face. You melted into him, his warm hands comforting you as you let yourself lean into him. It had never really crossed your mind, you and Steve, mostly because you never saw yourself as a desirable person, but also because he was your coworker and you were pretty sure that broke some bylaws. But his lips felt right in a way you hadn't felt before. Your hands skimmed down his chest and landed on his waist, his hands disappeared into your hair, twisting into it as he pulled your head closer to his. He used his grip on your hair to pull it slightly, causing your head to fall backward and expose your neck to him. He pressed light kisses down your jaw and to your collarbones, right hand keeping pressure of your hair as he moved. You hummed in appreciation as he moved to the neckline of your shirt. He removed his hands from your head to the hem of your t-shirt, he paused, his eyes returning to yours as if to ask if that was okay. You have him a slight nod and he made quick work of discarding the fabric.

He continued downward, your hands resting at the nape of his neck as he moved below your bellybutton. His hands shoved you back and the aggression was sudden, stirring something inside of you. When he locked eyes with you again you feel the intensity of the stare right down in your stomach. "Is this okay?" His words were sweet despite the hunger in his eyes. "Definitely." You affirmed. Not needing anymore, he hooked his fingers into the waistband of your shorts and began tugging them down, the shifting of his position making his member very clear against the thin fabric of his sweatpants. You felt a stirring near your core as he tossed away your shorts so only your underwear were left. He appreciated the lacy black pieces you were wearing and you suddenly thanked god that it was laundry day and you'd chosen those over your period pantries. That would've really dampened the mood. You reached up to the waistband of his pants to pull them down but he pushed himself further away so he was out of your grip. Frowning, you watched as he dipped his head between your thighs and nipped at the material. He pressed his palm flat against your wetness and you let out a small moan of appreciation. His eyes flicked up to your face watching as your eyes fluttered shut. Using his middle finger, he nudged the material aside and dipped the tip into your folds. You tried to thrust up into him but his other hand on your waist kept you from moving. "Jesus," he mumbled. "You're fucking soaked."

You're cheeks flushed a bright pink at his words, embarrassed and shocked to hear something that filthy coming out of his mouth. You watched as he lifted his fingers to his mouth and lay them flat against his tongue, making a point of tasting you. He hummed, low, in appreciation and your cheeks flushed even darker. Your heart raced as his eyes peered into yours. Painfully slow, he moved his hand back to your core, pressing his first two fingers inside of your and beginning to circle his thumb around your clit. You let your head fall back against the mattress with a sigh, chest rising and falling heavily as he began to pump his fingers inside of you. He lowered his head, flattening his tongue against you as his fingers worked, the added attention to your over sensitive spot making you shudder. Your hands tangled in his hair and pulled him down closer to you as an instinct.

"Fuck, Steve," you choked out, his name feeling good on your tongue. He seemed to agree, letting out a quiet moan at the sound of it.

He pulled away, all too soon, and sat back on his heels. He peered down at you with a heaving chest, his gaze dark.

"Touch yourself." He instructed.

"What?" You didn't see the purpose of that when he was doing a perfectly fine job just two seconds ago.

He nodded, running a hand through his hair. You knew he wanted a show, but there was something hesitant in you, something that felt wrong about it. But it was what he wanted, so you did it. You moved your hands to your core, circling your fingers over you clit a few times before plunging your first finger inside yourself. You couldn't meet his eye, so instead you closed them and focused on what you were feeling. Your left hand balled up the sheets as your right hand went to town on yourself. You alternate between pumping your fingers inside yourself and stroking your clit until you were close to you orgasm, your chest heaved and your heart raced, small moans escaping your lips as you neared.

"Stop." He ordered, and although you'd never been one for authority, you did as you were told.

"Look at me." His voice was low. You opened your eyes to do as he ordered and found his head tilted slightly.

"Come here."

You sat up, quickly, crawling across the bed to him. He took ahold of your chin forcing you to keep eye contact.

His voice was low and husky as he spoke, the exhilaration and the waiting making him impatient. "I'm going to fuck you now. And it's going to be rough. If you want me to stop tell me. But otherwise, I'm going to hurt you. And you're going to like it."

Your heart rate picked up at his words. You had no idea he had this in him and you were intrigued. This sort of thing had never been your style but with Steve on the other end you wondered how it ever could have not been.

You nodded.

"Speak to me." He growled.

"Yes."

"Yes, captain." He seethed.

Your eyes widened and your face broke into a smile. So that's how he liked it?

"Yes , Captain." You bit down on your lower lip, trying to hide your smirk.

"Hands and knees." He instructed. He shifted as you abided, peeling his sweat pants from his legs and positioning himself behind you. Without further warning, he slammed into you, causing you to squeak a little. He gave you second to adjust to his size before he began slamming into you. The whole thing felt wrong, but so, so right. The sound of his skin slapping yours, his grunts, your long drawn out moans as the head of his cock his your g-spot at certain angles.

He picked up the pace, his hands gripping your hips hard enough to leave bruises, as he slammed your waist back into him. You whimpered, choking out his name as he continuously slammed into your g-spot.

He took a hand from your waist and wrapped it around your throat, pulling you upward so your back was flush against your chest.

He craned his neck to kiss you, hard and dirty, not faltering his pace once as he pulled you closer to him. He massages the side of your throat with his fingers, cutting off some of your air supply but not enough to be dangerous. Suddenly, he grabbed your waist and flipped you like a rag doll. He took your left leg and stretched it above his shoulder, as once again, he slammed into you without warning.

"Oh my god, Steve. Ugh, fuck. Jesus. Oh god." You reached up to grab his bicep as if it would anchor you. You could barely breathe, the pleasure causing your body to shake. You could feel yourself nearing your orgasm, you breath hitching. All of a sudden he stopped thrusting, pulling out of you upon hearing the change in your breathing. Your hand moved to your clit to keep going in his absence but he ceased your wrist roughly.

"Did I say you could do that?" He growled, ceasing your other arm and pinning it above your head.

"I was about to cum." You sighed, frustrated.

"And did I say you could do that?" He moved his face closer to your ear.

"No, captain."

"Blow me."

You met his eyes as he pulled back, frustrated that he wouldn't let you finish but was happy to finish himself. But you complied, somewhat happily, moving onto your elbows and knees to take his length into your mouth. You took your time, licking long stripe up the shaft, but Steve was too impatient. He gathered your hair into his fist and pulled you off of him with a yank. He bucked his hips up into your mouth, causing you to gag slightly. He let out a low hum of appreciation at the sight and you smirked. This man was full of surprises. You took him in your mouth again, this time making an effort to swallow every inch of him. His body tensed as you swallowed around his throbbing head, bucking up into your throat and moaning long and low. You pulled off of him, only to push yourself down again and allow him you take control of your mouth. You expected him to finish there, but he didn't, his breathing hitched and he pulled you off of him, his fist pumping over his cock several times to finish himself off. He spilled himself over your face, his cum landing in stripes over your jawline and chin, a couple drops on your lips. You darted your tongue out to taste him, his moan affirming your actions wordlessly.

"Your turn." He grinned, moving his head down to your core and plugging his tongue in. Your over sensitive, orgasm denied cunt was dripping as he worked his mouth over you. You whimpered as he moved his mouth across your folds and your clit, pulling you closer and closer to your finish.

"Oh my god, Steve. Fuck yes. Like that."

You balled the sheets beneath you, spilling over into his mouth. He continued to pleasure you, drawing out your orgasm until you finally choked out your last moan. Your body shook and total euphoria took over your mind for a moment. You wondered if you blacked out. You wondered why you'd never had an orgasm like that before. You had an itching feeling that it was one that only Steve could deliver.

He moved his mouth up to kiss you and you tasted yourself on his tongue. His own cum smeared across his chin but you could tell he didn't care he just wanted to kiss you. He pulled away suddenly, vacating the room and entering the small door that led to the bathroom. You heard the shower a few moments later and before you could even stand, Steve was back and scooping you up. He only set you down once the two of you were stood under the stream of the shower. You washed off the sweat and cum and filth from your body and leant into his chest. His hands were gentle and sweet on you now and it was hand to believe he was the same man from five minutes ago.

“That,” He whispered, barely loud enough over the streaming water. “Was so much better than a work out.”

You chuckled lightly, brushing back his wet hair from his forehead. “Agreed. Same time tomorrow night?”

#smut #marvel smut #steve rogers smut #captain america smut #marvel imagines #yucky #cap is a bitch #but like in a good way i guess

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