#like everyone my boss my doctor the ppl on the news you were in a blanket or fabric and you were someone's child fo r real..

[fairycosmos]

it's so crazy how everyone on earth was once someone's newborn baby. i'm going to go and walk on some train tracks

[aloneandforsakenbyfateandbyman]

im kinda jealous u have a cubicle job id rather that than having to deal with the general public and my insufferable boss in my retail job. idk i find working in customer service jobs so humilating i have to disassociate just to get through a shift😐

Ok but there’s levels to it. Minimum wage retail/fast food jobs are absolute torture but blue collar office jobs are their own kind of hell.

In min wage, at least everyone is on the same Broke Bitch level as you. No one is gonna pull up to work and be like “hey I just got a Bugatti and a Palm Beach vacation house.” Until I worked office jobs, I knew the wealthy class existed but they were something mythical to me like a unicorn. I was so naive.

Now that I work in real estate I deal with ppl who not only pull 6 figures (which is actually nothing in the 2010s) but 7 figures just by acting like a scam artist. Realtors (can) make more than surgeons, doctors, celebrities, lawyers, politicians, anyone, and they do wayyy less labor. They are psychopaths lol!

I feel like such a peasant omg my life is Oliver Twist atm. I never felt such a blatant class divide until now it’s like I’m being mentally tortured on a stake. Just to walk in everyday and see these mini Patrick Batemans wearing LV and Gucci everything and driving brand new sports cars and having to be their servant 🤣 I miss retail now!

[cool-the-binge-eater]

Apothecary Diaries - manga rec

Summary

Before it had an English name I just called it Kusuriya no Hitorigoto. It's about mao mao who was forced by kidnappers to be a court maid. A plain freckled girl who is nonchalant about it but misses working as a doctor assistant for her father.When the high ranking court ladies babies come down with an illness that others deem a curse mao mao figures out the cause. Trying her best not to get stuck in court drama squabbles only leaving a note on the cause. However a eunuch named jinshi figures her out and is forced to solve palace mysteries while also working as poison tester. (it's fine she likes to test poisons on herself)😓 So basically Chinese historical story that deals with harem life that's also a detective and medical story. So their are modern conventions and solutions that we take for granted that are used as solutions in the story. That’s the draw of alot of time traveling stories but since its not we don’t get an outsiders perspective about what we would consider wrong. Maomao has resigned herself to whatever happens to her and dosen’t fight the system directly but she still has a strong sense of justice.

Maomao- the pharmacist

Maomao is the protagonist /pov chara and is the main reason you read the story she's very eccentric when it comes to medicines and poisons but is actually very quick witted and emotionally intelligent. She's a realist and down to earth often thinking little of herself. Maomao has resigned herself to whatever happens to her. She knows she's smart and might be toooo smart. Her only motivation is medcine so political infighting and conspiracies is the opposite of that. Whenever her sense of justice shows up it really bursts and it's great to see💖😊 Even though she pettite skinny and a commoner whenever she decides to do something it really feels like she's risking her life.Also aro/ace representing she really dosent care about much except medicine.💞

Jinshi -Eunuch

He works as a foil to maomao becasue hes a born noble, the boss of her and is one of the most conniving characters. His personality starts off as a sadist/playful tease but eventually really cares for maomao in the story as he gets to know her better. Jinshi is the one who presents the issues to maomao and is the one withe the authority to give her tools to solve the cases.He's obviously hinting at maomao alot but she dosent get it or doesn't care.His job is to work in the harem and to do whatever the emperor requests if him. He's the most beautiful person in the story and alot of woman and men want him. He drinks this a medicine that make him more eunuch like to maintain that appearance. The reason why we don't know and his backstory is one of the big mysteries.

Setting

It's not a specific year which is good Apparently mongels are still a problem and they can keep in contact with the west if they want. Historical Chinese dramas I guess 🤷‍♀️. Politically ppl dislike the last emperor and just over a decade before slavery was abolished. U can technically sell family members tho if ur poor. Maomao was sold as a palace maid and all her earnings go to her "family". In fact most of the maid charachters are the same way.So some cultural things need to be addressed if your new to court drama. Honestly it's a cliche for me cuz I watch alot of Asian dramas but others might not.

In the palace we have the outer court that does real work like paper work and women can join the outer court but they are akin to secretaries. I think they dislike inner court ladies cuz they had to take a test (Also technically maids but they don't do the best job compared to inner court ladies). The inner palace only has women and they are all concubines for the emperor. There have been cases of maids becoming lower ranked concubines if they were pretty. 4 great positions are taken by great noble ladies and their families. These 4 ladies each have their own palace and are the ones most likely to become empress/create heirs.

Hanmachi/red light district is a big part of the story. Mao mao was raised there and is the 2nd location the story takes place. It's both a beautiful gorgeous palace and a dark dangerous alley. Maomao says that the brothels are both a cage and a Wall that protects them from the streets Maomao isn't a courtesan but was raised with her 3 big sisters the 3 princesses of Rokushoukan. All high courtesans need to learn to dance, play instruments, talk, play go or other board games and read. Men don't usually get to sleep with high courtesans and it dosent work on all girls but the more pure you are to get the higher the price.

BTW we never go to them but there are brothels that are lecherous, and there are cases of rape within that district and maomao has almost been in that situation which also hasn't been shown.

Adaptations/art

There are like 3 types of versions of the story for some reason. There are 2 mangas and the og light novel. The mangas not done but maybe the first one went in a different direction of the novel ��� idk??? I've read a little bit about the the light novel but honestly not that different. Mao mao is a very introspective charachter she has alot of thoughts and won't say alot of her thoughts or feelings due to fear of nobility or just laziness.

So the manga makes her alot more expressive while keeping her introspective thoughts. She can be very funny and comedic with her expressions. Later on when she gets stitches they keep reopening(she just roles with it and everyone gets freaked out for her)

The 2nd manga makes mao mao her personality more serious and aparently there's less emphasis on romance. Only 1 volume so can't judge on much. (Only read 2 chapters) so I'm gonna talk about the 1st manga.

(Light novel, Kusuriya no Hitorigoto manga and Mao Mao no Kōkyū Nazotoki Techō manga)

The art is really good what happens alot in shoujo series set in harems or inner courts. Is that the women are not hot they can be beautiful, pretty even but they really aren't hot.

But damnnnnnn all the girls are 🔥🔥🔥

Specifically the hanamachi ones and even maomao herself sometimes. Lol 😆 I'm gonna stop now

But seriously I like how they talk about sex, prostitution and harems. Alot of shoujo are so PG about a place that is notorious for sex work.

Last minute thoughts

Check it out there's 2 manga volumes out and more coming. (Or read the scanlations I did both)

I like jinshi when he gets jealous since he's so cool and in control alot seeing him flounder about with mao mao is fun ❤

Maomao has a pretty interesting past too and it's hinted at really early there's this guy she definitely dosent wanna meet in the outer palace (that's my hint for foreshadowing) 🤐

I would read the light novels if ur like dying to know the plot the manga is a monthly series (I won't cuz I'm lazy)

Previous emperor is a pedo current one is a dick. So yea royal family sucks what's new 🙄

[nachtimmel]

Im just gonna rant here since this is the least active socmed account I have. No, im not looking for pity or solutions I just wanna let it out and maybe hv a person or two read it. I could do this on twitter but I don’t really want my clients to read it (most of them came from there). Countless of times, I said that I don’t want to be a doctor. But just because I don’t want to it doesn’t mean I actually hv a choice. I can quit but I will hv to pay compensation since I’m a contract staff. And ofc I try my best to do my work, cause it’s ppl’s lives and all. Im away from my parents cause I don’t want them interfering my life too much cause just because they forced me to be a doctor it doesn’t mean they understand what absolute bullshit I had to go through. So the least I can do is choose to work in another state. But that also means I hv to prepare my own food and do a lot of stuff on my own. Which is fine when I’m not dead exhausted and mentally tired. My meals are either sandwiches and instant noodles cause after working for 16 hours and back late at night and hv to wake up early in the morning I don’t think I hv the energy to cook proper food. My other option is to eat fast food but I save that as a treat during my off days cause I want to savour my food instead of swallowing it down in one bite before going to sleep. But that’s not too bad. Recently I just changed departments. It’s a thing all us interns go through, work in a dept for 4 months and go to the next one. Sometimes, we get extended for whatever reasons. Sometimes good reasons sometimes absolute bullshit. I hate this new department. They glorify the “Blame the interns” mentality even the nurses and staff don’t cooperate. And when that happens, we’ll still be put at fault. Everyone just wants to save their asses from any form of responsibility and points at the interns. There’s way too many examples but thinking of them makes me want to bang my head on the floor. I don’t feel any sense of gratitude from the team. It’s draining. In my previous departments it’s just as hectic but at least everyone’s supportive it feels like working in a team and most of the time I go home with a decent mood. They don’t make me feel like im the only one at fault should anything happen cause we’re in a team. But over here….idk. There’s no solution to this. I’m just an intern and being at the bottom of the chain, being blamed and degraded is such a common thing. Technically I can complain but nothing’s gonna change and Im sure it’ll just backfire. Sometimes I wish I just get full blown sick, so sick I have to be on leave. A simple pain/flu/fever’s not enough. Us interns just fix each other and order our own medications if we need them. Can’t breath? Get the nebulizer and oxygen machine and fix yourself while you type in your notes. Bad diarrhea? Get a friend to start some drips for you. I don’t see the point of doing this work but quitting is just gonna cause more issues. I just want to know that im not wasting my time n my bosses appreciate what im doing. I no longer have the energy to talk to my friends and even though I know they care, I feel so alone. I just had a fight with one of them cause apparently I don’t pay enough attention to them and I made her sad. All my other friends live far away and I don’t hv a friend that I regular talk to. Even if I do hv one, I’d probably ghost them again anyway cause I’m either busy or exhausted. I hate my life but what can I do.

 Now here’s the reason why I ended up becoming a doctor. My parents and family wanted me to be a doctor. Apparently im the smartest kid in the line or smthing so im forced to be one. I wanted to study astrophysics cause I hv so much interest but my father just keeps yelling at me not to cause it’s not important. The process here is, students have to apply a university course they want online after getting their results. We can choose anything that fits our qualifications. So somewhere during this online application, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She went through the whole surgery and stuff and she wont stop telling me to be a doctor. She made it look like a dying wish and so I kinda didn’t have a choice. So when the results were out my parents were over the moon while I just threw my phone after seeing the text message and went back to the pc to play games. The only reason I study is because I want it to end as fast as possible so I try to not repeat semesters or get extended. Sometimes I’m intrigued with stuff but never strong enough to make me study or read about it. I’m just an overglorified slave that nobody appreciates. Nothing more, probably less. My bosses thinks Im a donkey and the people think im a capitalist demon.

[indulgnces]

hello! it’s jess again with my new final girl bb brooke under the cut! (AHS 1984 SPOILERS!) I’m playing her pre-prison for the most part, but legit after this next episode there are gonna be some new attributes given to her, so I’ll circle back and change as needed after Wednesday!

❛  ( LILY COLLINS )  ◈  dude, shut up ! BROOKE THOMPSON from AHS: 1984 is on screen. their fans swear they’re just COMPASSIONATE & CLEVER, but we’ve all seen their RESERVED & SKEPTICAL side ! according to TRUMAN WIKIA, they’re TWENTY-FOUR years old, CLOSETED BISEXUAL, & identify as CISFEMALE ( SHE/HER ). they’re currently a VETERINARY ASSISTANT & are CONFUSED about life in truman. luckily they have THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING AND HER KNIFE with them & can visit THE ROLLER RINK whenever they want. penned by JESS.

so her bio is always subject to change depending on what happens, as her show is currently airing, so a final version of her won’t come around for another couple weeks. but below is a sketch of my sweet & badass final girl brooke thompson (spoiler warning for ahs 1984!!)

CANON LIFE 

(gun tw, murder tw)

“I, uh I had this dumb idea, this, this dream to-” “To be somebody?” “No. To be nobody.....I pretended for so long to be somebody that I wasn't. Now I don't even know who I am.”

was a smart child who liked to learn. top of her all her classes. goodie-goodie who I wouldn’t call a nerd or a teacher’s pet, just like a prepared student who kept to herself and aced all her shit

things were smooth but then there was this entitled jerky bad Nice Guy who kept coming in 2nd behind her, and instead of pushing himself to idk be smarter than brooke and be on top on his own, he bitched and straight up stopped talking to brooke

that wasn’t enough for the baby tho, and so he convinced everyone else in their class to stop talking to brooke too. fucking iced out by her entire class

brooke did not like that. v much did not like that. she is a bit of a people pleaser, and can be easily peer pressured, and the idea of people thinking of her in a negative light, the idea that she was making other people mad or upset for some reason, didn’t set well with her, so she started to fail on purpose

pretended to be dumber than she was until she fell into the #2 spot, then the icing out stopped and the mean Nice Guy asked brooke out and ....she said yes bc well, why not?

flash forward and he’s asking her to marry him and she says yes for the same reasons before and though they’ve been together for years, they’ve never had sex/were saving themselves 

did i forget to mention Nice Guy was a jealous guy? i feel like that was implied, but yeah he was a v jealous boy, and during their wedding he accused brooke of sleeping with his best man sam duke (montana’s brother wassup), then proceeded to shoot sam, brooke’s dad when he tried to protect brooke, and then aimed that gun at brooke before shooting himself instead

#traumatized 

brooke got the hell out of dodge after that. didn’t want to be that girl anymore. didn’t want to be the Smart Girl or the Girl Who Slept With Her Fiance’s Best Man or the Girl With The Crazy Fiance or the Girl With The Murder Wedding like she just didn’t want to be anybody, wanted to blend into a crowd of strangers and disappear

where better to do that than los angeles? 

moved to la, got into santa monica college to take classes towards becoming a veterinarian assistant, was just gonna chill

then the night stalker decided to break into her apartment and try to kill her, but she’s got Balls and is clever when in danger, so she beat him with a frying pan and made a lot of noise and her neighbors heard and saved her life so #bless

decided again to get the hell out of dodge and go with a group of new friends to be a camp counselor at camp redwood for the summer because fun!!!! and safety, mostly

except not fun OR safe bc their first night there and she’s nearly killed by THREE killers (richard, mr.jingles, and fucking MONTANA) on separate occasions, had a traumatized night all around, and when daylight broke, she managed to kill that bitch montana in an act of self defense

bad timing tho bc she gutted her when a bus full of children were driving by, so like, not a good look, and then that bitch camp owner & true serial killer psycho margaret decided to pin all the murders on brooke so (upside down smile face emoji yknow the one)

brooke was found guilty and, after five years in jail, was sentenced to death by lethal injection

sentence was carried, brooke died an Absolute Boss, giving no fucks to richard (this man terrified her before and now she doesnt give two shits my gIRL!!), spitting at margaret, just being a badass, and then afterwards donna gave her a dose of adrenaline and brought my girl back to life

donna brought her back to health, and during that time brooke bonded and began to trust her. she also found out about margaret returning to camp redwood for a festival, and has made it her mission to go back and gut that lying bitch for the hell she put her through before she can go on with her life

also on her one day of fun out of the hotel after her recovery, she had a brief run in with a psycho serial killer bc (donna &) brooke’s apparently just serial killer BAIT, but guess what? just like every time before my girl used her fucking brain and got both her and donna out of their situation, and because she’s a badass now, she didn’t run away this time, instead she stayed and finished the job - opting to tie the psycho up and cut off his hitchhiking thumbs like a fucking BOSS i love her

now walking the way to redwood with her girl donna

and that’s everything of brooke thus far in canon! I’ll add more when the series ends!

FUN FACTS & HEADCANONS

did not sleep with sam, thank you very much

lost her virginity to ray, the ghost, during that traumatizing night at redwood and it was only Okay

was kissed by montana during that traumatizing night before it came to light that montana fucking hated her guts, and um that split second kiss did more for her than sex with ray? (no tea no shade ray you got a shudder or two out of her okay (but not the o oof)) brooke didn’t know she could feel that way towards women until montana kissed her and that shit SCARED her so she freaked and ran

so you know how brooke told donna not to kill that psycho killer who tried to kill them when they were on the road? it wasn’t because she wanted to torture him. it’s because she didn’t want donna to have to go through the trauma of killing somebody. bc even though she knows she was justified in killing montana, and she had to do it to save her life, she still went through the trauma of knowing she ended someone’s life, and she compassionate and doesn’t want her friend to deal with it either. she’s not about that murder game now, she’s not gonna kill if she don’t have to. but she’s not the same as she was before, not gonna let ppl get off scotch free - aka why she took the man’s thumbs & tied him up: punishment for what he did, and she left him there vulnerable to either die, or more likely: be found by a passing car, and face the punishment for what he did

girl really is serial killer bait though. idk what it is. when she was an innocent girl just trying to get through life? encountered her joey her fiance (killed 3 ppl including himself), ramirez (killed 13? people and counting), montana (psycho killed at least 2 people, presumably more, and counting), and mr. jingles (killed 5+ people) - most of who just wanted to kill her to killer her. then she became a bad bitch. and again, serials killers took an interest in her, with both ramirez & psycho bruce hitchhiker both amused by her new thick skin smhhh, girl can’t catch a break one way or another with these killers.

TRUMAN

“I don’t know what’s real. I- I don’t even trust myself.”

ah, truman, brooke has been utterly confused about truman

because brooke, she buys the story the actors have told her 

okay, so she moved to truman after the Red Wedding nightmare, okay, sure

but like, she spent five years in jail for crimes she didn’t commit, and that shit has left an IMPRESSION on this girl and so she’s also like, something doesn’t add up

but she’s not suspicious by nature, and she’ll believe what she’s been told, because why rock the boat and say otherwise? 

so she got her degree in truman in biology, with intentions to pursue veterinary school for her doctorate and obtain her license, and she hasn’t spoken her doubts aloud 

but like, LATELY (*cough* with the season’s premiere *cough*), babe’s been more confused than usual, with intense bouts of memories coming back to her

and she’s expressed these distressing memories to the actors, who act the same way the redwood crew did to her when she told them she was being chased by mr.jingles that first episode: they mocked and laughed her off, got her to believe what they needed her to

but just like redwood, with each passing week the memories won’t stop, and she’s been Distressed and then her PRISON EPISODE hit her and the sensation of dying has fully convinced her that these are not just dreams, these events are real, and she’s not sure how to process it

since the memories have returned, her new experiences and thick skin from prison has returned, making her wary of strangers once again, but it’s battling with her current perception of the world, and it’s all especially especially in this place that’s filled with people trying to tell her that’s she crazy for her memories

PERSONALITY

okay so, before prison? girl was naive and dependent and trusting and believed n the best of people. she got scared easy, had trouble being alone at night, and relied on the people around her for protection in life. she went with the flow and had little agency in her life, as she allowed her controlling fiance to p much dictate her life tbh 

before prison but after her red wedding, brooke became more reserved then usual, because she had an intense desire to be alone, and to be away from the stigmas and the reputation she had in her old life following the nightmare event. it was her first taste of independence, though she was still dependent in nature, as the second a group of friends came into her life, she found herself following their lead, tagging along.

after prison? total change. five years - NO, 1825 DAYS - in prison absolutely changed her. she looked back at her life and that night and realized she was too trusting. she got warnings and scares multiple times that day and night at redwood, from the gas station employee to the hitchhiker to the mystery phone call to the news report to LITERALLY BEING CHASED and she still didn’t follow her gut - instead she tried to do what everyone else around her told her to do, which was relax because she was supposedly being paranoid. if she had pushed, if she had the nerve to walk away even, none of this would have happened. and she hates herself for that. 

she spent five years as an innocent victim with scary guilty criminals, and she grew a thick skin as a result. lost her innocence and her wide-eyed charm. 

not she’s skeptical, and even more reserved than before, and wary to strangers. she’s still compassionate and helpful, still feels for people and had an urge to help, but she doesn’t follow those urges as helplessly as she did before. she trusts her gut more.

carries around a knife too because, as said earlier, she’s some kinda magnet for killers and you can never be too safe!

I called her clever because my girl, when in life and death situations,is SO FUCKING SMART like she does not go out without a fight and it’s never full on “imma hit you with my fists” its “let me see what I have around me at my disposal” like she is smart and she is quick to grasp a new situation when her life is in peril, she out here wielding frying pans and canoe paddles and using two serials killers pushing her around in a net as momentum to grab a tree and climb out of her net like she’s so smart

when her life is not in peril, though, she be doing dumb shit like sleeping with her window open KNOWING serial killers take advantage of that shit and answering creepy pay phones in the middle of the night so, shes a naive bitch too

positive: compassionate, determined, honest, clever, resourceful, helpful, kind

negative: reserved, skeptical, resentful, paranoid, tense, touchy, withdrawn

SUBJECT TO CHANGE! as the season progresses.

CANON CONNECTIONS

i basically love brooke with all of the redwood gang tbh

montana? love it. angsty dark shit im game. xavier? love it. soft as fuuuck. richard? game, tell him to fuck off sis he don’t scare you no more. donna? bet, I need this badass duo in my life!!! chet? adorable babies, let them share more marshmallows together. ray? also cute, he may be a coward but he was soft with her so!, trevor? #letsmakebrookeblush2k19 bc that big dick interaction was funny and I wanted more moments of blushing virgin brooke becoming speechless around trevor (and montana, or the ultimate combo of trevor & montana) during a summer at redwood bUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED 

anyways

TRUMAN CONNECTIONS

once again, I’ll probs post smth separate for her connections!

and yeah! that’s everything on my new girl! if you’ve made it this far, you’re still the best my dudes!! if you’d like to do any kind of plotting with my girl, just go ahead and hit that like button, and I’ll slide in y’alls dms! ♥

[a-ffection]

1-99 🐸

BET YOU THOUGHT I WOULDNT DO IT SCRUB. I tagged this #long post if yall dont want to see it btw sorry

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

According to Spotify Me its 1. Hail to the King - Avenged Sevenfold 2. The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson 3. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage 4. Sick Like Me - In This Moment 5. Girls in Black - Airbourne 6. Shrike - Hozier 

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

MY SOULMATE DAMMIT

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ugh ”Now the bad news, im afraid, is that we won't be home for supper.”

4: What do you think about most?

Money

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Maybe not” - from you

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Without8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are cute; Boys are cute but at what cost?

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yup

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Idk last week11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Public bathrooms and men with neck or face tattoos

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

When i was younger i used to stick straws up my nose

13: What’s your religion?

Roman Catholic

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking the thot

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind, I don't trust most ppl to take pics of me

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Uhhh Avenged Sevenfold probably

17: What was the last lie you told?

idr

18: Do you believe in karma?

Yup

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s pretty self-explanatory 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Procrastination; Loyalty 

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Currently Henry Cavill 

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Its on my to-do list

23: How do you vent your anger?

Chores lol

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Mushroom decor, books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

TEXT

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Happier yes

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Crowds; Nature

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

”what if i tried harder and passed this class the first time around?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

YES x2

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Cell phone; cookie

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothing really

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

LA

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Hozier

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To impact the world and/or its inhabitants in a positive way. 

36: Define Art.

Art makes you feel some typaway

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes, only because i have horrible luck

38: What’s the weather like right now?

drizzling

39: What time is it?

6:23pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and yes

41: What was the last book you read?

Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Jaz, Jazzy, princess, noob (curtesy of my bro) 

44: What was the last film you saw?

Ready or Not

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Hairline fracture. Urban Air. Rock wall. Jumped off. Ouch.48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I like boys

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

lmao YES

50: Do you believe in magic?

I believe in portals to other dimensions does that count?

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yup

52: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Both

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Starbucks

55: Love or lust?

Both

56: In a relationship?

No

57: How many relationships have you had?

idk

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No

59: Where were you yesterday?

Why do you want to know frog boy?

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Dogs collar

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Owls

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Be really nice and smiley to them but like in a low cut blouse66: What is your heritage?

Native North American. Mexican, Spaniard 

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Morningstar

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

I-

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yess

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, my boss is a cunt anyway.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

Uhg a) Yes b) Things ive always wanted to do c) Probably 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love, since it comes with trust anyway

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Hail to the King

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

6744

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Communication, trust, honesty, time, consideration, maturity, sexual attraction

77: How can I win your heart?

Have these traits: Beard, muscles, weeb, a sweetheart, sense of humor, be Catholic, have a decent career path, give me all the attention

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

uhh

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 in heels; 9.5 in shoes

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Something that will make goth kids take pictures on my grave

82: What is your favourite word?

Bastard

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

The Sacred Heart cause im catholic and hispanic

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Bad words and insults

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Old Time Religion - Parker Millsap

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Teal, Green, Red, Black, and Pink

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A pretty forest

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Id save it for a rainy day

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

”Have you ever watched hentai?”

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Put collars on them and teach them tricks

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Healing - people, the land, etc.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

dunno

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Ive already did that according to the therapist i had

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Im saving myself for marriage 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Ireland

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Yes

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes, when i was a kid

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes, to Cali

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Your governments will always consider your freedom a burden

[tellywoodtrash]

ebss 19.08.19 lb

sigh. we in the home stretch. hope they wrap up this show decently. meanwhile imma take this one last month to soak in as much of shrenu's face as possible.

———————————————————————

pooja is me. mauka dekha nahi, slinked the fuck out of a social sitch.

bloody kabir. the way he framed it at first i genuinely thought there was a good motive behind all this and he was trying to protect pooja and maa from something. but nope. he just hired goons to watch over maa.

(with what fucking money??????? WHO IS FINANCING ALL THIS WHEN YOU PPL WERE STRUGGLING FOR EVERY DAMN RUPEE TILL LIKE 3 DAYS AGO??)

oh great. that eye medicine has kicked in.

LMAO WHUT??????? HER FIGHTING SKILLZ ARE BACK???? IS SHE DAREDEVIL, KI EK SHAKTI GAYI TOH DUSRI AA GAYI???? KYAAAAAAAA KUCH BHI.

but will i ever get tired of seeing shrenu parikh beat the shit outta men 3 times her size? nope. this needs to be a personality feature in every character she plays.

badi jaldi aa gaye kabir baba.

hein???? "kuch nahi hoga tumhe, pooja"?????? kuch zyaada hi pyaar nahi ho raha? *geet from jwm voice* chakkar kya hai boss?????

"ek ladki ke saath aisa behave karte hain???"

LMAOOOOOOOOO OK. TU BADI IZZAT KE SAATH PESH AA RAHA THA USKE SAATH HUH? CHALL HATT BC.

[dulhan hum le jayenge music plays]

lol sonali's face journey on the question "kabir aur pooja kahan gaye hain???"

official story here is "stress se behosh ho gayi." kabir quite well versed in indian govt and media's whitewashing ways.

ranjeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. *pulls his cheek* i think i'll miss him the most out of all these characters. who will give me my daily 80s-90s ghaati references after this???? a boy after my own heart onlyyyy he is.

doctor ko nahi, amma, police ko bulaiye. aur is mushtande ko arrest karwaiye.

"uske saath deal karna itna mushkil hoga, maine socha nahi tha."

LMAO REALLY????????? SHE WAS JANHVI FUCKING MITTAL, BITCH. TUM NE TOH BOHUTTTTT HI EASY LIYA HUA HAI.

sonali tu toh iske saath mil ke criminal mastermind banti jaa rahi hai.

~genius~~ plan of the day: pretend to be seriously behosh, get admitted to hospital, delay the wedding, profit.

amma, kuch zyaada hi overacting.

lo aa gaya. *ashaji voice* dekho woh aa gaya! *horny panting*

(quite apt for zain in all black. petition to keep him dressed like this always and forever.)

"main ek baar try karoon?" lol oh noooooo.

oh hoooooooo, pooja. tum toh kachchi khilaadi nikli.

kabir reminding everyone Tellywood 101: fucking look if the fucking door is open and if someone is fucking standing there listening to your ~amazinggggggggg~ plans.

it used to be janhvi's MO of choice no, skulking outside doors and overhearing shit? how she forgot sooooo easily???

sis khoon kar iska. baap ka tu kar nahi paayi, iska hi karle.

"main bhi koi bewakoof nahi hoon!" says the biggest bewakoof within indore city limits.

dayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, girl. can't say the outfit is great, but you're looking fireeeee.

idk why you explaining to this bitch, pooja. live your damn life, man.

sonali has come as messenger ki mehendi ke liye ready ho jaao.

kabir is informing ki some "kalyani bua" is coming. who is apparently a fasaadan. ofc she is. mittal haina. which one of you is fucking normal?

oh her name is being used because pooja's never seen her, only heard the stories.

lmaoooooooooooo she's closing the door.

amma is like you stop trying so hard. let me handle this.

shaadi toh honi hi hai. ab chaahe show khatam ho raha ho ya aur kuch. shaadi toh karwaake hi chodenge tera channel waale.

oooooooh, i like this look.

mummy ka paara chadha hua. what's new?

lmao the fuck is this outfit??????? why is that dupatta thing so awkwardly pinned on his shoulder? and why does that one sleeve look like a fish fin?????

omfg zain wtf, why are you holding the cone like that, you savage?????

JESUS CHRIST, MEN CAN'T DO ANYTHINGGGGGGG RIGHT. WTF IS THIS?????

"tumhare haath pe mera naam, i just love it. khoobsoorat lag raha hai ekdum tumhari tarah!"

you know that new twitter meme where ppl force bots to watch a 1000 hours of something and come up with an automated script? kabir is like one of those bots, who watched 1000 hours of cheesyass tellywood wedding episodes and is parroting those lines.

lmao i’ve been noticing this since the NK days, that zain doesn’t know how to wink. it makes me crack up every single time i see him try.

literally who is surprised, huh?

lmao sonali, such bad acting.

OUFF CHAACHI.  

lol crime partners ki shaqalein.

dadu also getting into this mess. saying kalyani, pooja ko aashirwaad do.

lolololol idiots.

pooja also suddenly very raazi to get rando mittal bua's aashirwaad.

reverse k3g ho gaya yeh toh.

———————————————————————

either a red herring, or kabir is the biggest dumbass ever.

[koolkvat-blog]

       hello  loves  ,   what’s  up  !   i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  &  to  finally  play  my  precious girl  ,   jade aka kool kat   .   i’m  LOLA  ,   use  she / her prounouns  ,   i am NINETEEN  ,   &   i  am  currently  in  the  gmt + 1 timezone  which  means  yes  ,  my  ass should’ve  been  awake  for  intro  posting  but  i  don’t  know  what  time  management  is  and  ended  up  swamped  w/  work  ,  so  !   everything   you  need  to  know  about  about  miss  kat  is  under  the  cut  ,   &  i’m  rlly  thrilled  to  be  apart  of  such  a  wonderful  rp  with  such  gorgeous  muses  .  corniness over  ––   if  you’re  looking  to  plot  sumn  out  ,   just  hit  that   ♥︎    &   i’ll  make  my  way  on  over  to  ur  dms  ,  or  feel  free  to  add  me  up   on  discord  which  i’ll  give  in im’s  if  anybody’s  interested  !   ♡♡♡         tw  :   family issues  ,  body image issues  &  drug mention  ( not  explicit ) . 

001 . SYNOPSIS  . FULL     NAME  .      jade        kikuchi . NICKNAMES  .      kool kat    . AGE  .      twenty - one . DATE     OF     BIRTH  .      twenty  -  seventh     of     september   ,     1993      /     libra . PLACE     OF     BIRTH  .      harajuku ,   tokyo ,     japan .         GENDER  .       cisgender     female . SEXUALITY  .     (  closeted  )  pansexual  . NATIONALITY  .      japanese  ,  now  american  too  after  successfully  gaining  citizenship  . ETHNICITY  .      asian  . OCCUPATION  .       fashion designer at katz designz      ,     former  fashion  design  and  journalist  student  back  in  her  original  timeline  . PLAYLIST  .      here  !  (  +  )     charismatic , enthusiastic , warm , energetic , adventurous , compassionate , animated . (  -  )     deceptive ,  independent ,  emotional , territorial , ambitious , impulsive , temperamental , insecure , sarcastic .  

002 . AESTHETIC  .      wheatgrass  smoothies , 90′s  anime  with  subtitles  , chanel  no. 5, speeding  on  a  desert  road  with  the  windows  down ,  painting  your  toenails  on  the  dashboard ,  neon  prints ,  cat  lazing  on  a  balcony  in  the  sun , black  lace ,  japanese  horror  films  ,  sour  cocktails  with  sugar  around  the  rim , half - smoked  cigarettes ,  stacks  of  fashion  magazines , long  hair  hastily  dyed  different  colours in  a  motel  bathroom ,  thrift  stores   .

003. INFORMATION  .

tl;dr : a flighty, inattentive adventurer: a follower of whims; personable and sociable but lacks the skills to maintain relationships because she’s entirely (and perhaps too) career focused, checks her horoscope daily and entirely relies on the stars when concerning relationships, epitome of a britney spears / gwen stefani stan back in the 2000′s, still owns a (bedazzled) flip phone, collector of vintage fashion (chanel, elle, juicy couture etc.) a subscriber to the Leonardo Da Vinci sleeping method; catch her at 2 am making soufflés or buying plane tickets to shiwei so she can really experience the culture: will tell you she loves you ten minutes after first introduction because she’s high: kind of unintentionally insensitive to those she doesn’t know and closed off but in like a cool, lovable way. 

•    heads up im running on like 5 hrs sleep so sry when this inevitably derails ! ok sweet let’s get into this . 

•    so as aforementioned this is jade kukichi, aka, kool kat. she was dubbed that by her friends due to her unique fashion style and sense of dress, and it’s stuck. lbr nobody other than her friends can use that term so if you do, she’s just going to stare at u for a quick sec before saying ‘it’s jade’. 

•    born in harajuku, tokyo to a cardiothoracic surgeon of a father and a politician of a mother, jade grew up traveling the world and becoming flighty af, never thinking she was going to make long - term friends and kinda being okay with that. 

•    her family has never stayed in one place for very long, though her aging parents eventually settled into a permanent residence in the us around the time she turned sixteen, not soon enough for jade to break the habit of wandering, but thankfully quick enough for her to meet the bratz girls who were just as adventurous and fun - loving as she. she's spent much of her teen life jumping from place to place wherever her interests are that moment, collecting people along the way, but to find friends was the only thing she was missing. jade has a brilliant mind, but she lacks patience and follow through. she needs guidance or she'll jump from idea to idea, job to job, whim to whim.

•    ngl, jade pretty much hated her home life. her parents were an overbearing presence in her life, her mother wanting jade to be a proper lady who also went into a profession like theirs (entirely serious and stifling when it came to creativity, doctor, politician, lawyer etc.) while jade herself wanted to check out the latest trends and go to the mall w her friends – so she turned all of her focus and energy into getting good grades in everything she wanted to do in the hopes that she could be the most successful fashion designer, then leaving town forever. 

•    like she spent 7 yrs in high school graduating w honours but she barely knew what was happening in 9/10 of her classes and sometimes she just slept through classes and then wing her exams which she miraculously did well at. it was just not a good idea to send jade to a public school at 11 after being in boarding school for the rest of her life and then never really enforce any rules :~\ she has trouble with that kind of thing.. as in making logical choices instead of saying "YEAH lets go watch american psycho and smoke weed!" skipping chemistry to do just that 

•    she loves fun and values doing what makes her happy over most things. it's hard to pin her down and she spends most of her life chasing after ideas that don't really follow any sort of conscious order, bc she’s really got that ‘i’ve got dreams and i’m gonna do everything in my power to achieve them’ personality. 

•    according to bratz canon she’s worked as literally everything ? she’s one of those insufferable people who r just. good everything ig and that’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth. jade’s been a photographer, a song - writer and bass player in a rock band (shout out to bratz rock angelz the best movie w the best soundtrack ever), a student studying fashion design, a fashion columnist, a quickly fired nanny, and many other things in between. 

•    so when she appears in toonsville she’s kind of out of it that she’s not doing something w her skills and sets up her own business which she loves ? being her own boss suits her fine (for now) because she’s got a Real Job and she's actually trying rly hard so she can fulfill her dreams !! like suck it mom nd dad haha !!!

•    jade has a lot of weird feelings TM about her body and her looks and struggles a lot with her self confidence :~( she had a shit time at school with boys saying she was too thin and she compensated by acting like she didn't like anyone at all for a while and now she thinks she isn't good enough for anyone when rly she is a cinnamon bun too good for this world too pure 

•    best friend ever she is so good at being a friend if u text her at 3am to go out or cry on her shoulder shes ready to go at 3:15 even if she was sleeping w lots of snacks and treats and love!!! she is sooo extroverted around those she’s comfortable w, she gains so much energy from being around people and she loves being nice and being around ppl she likes 

•    she becomes the mom of groups pretty easily (hence why she’s the leader of the bratz) bc she bottles up most of her own problems to help ppl with theirs!! which is toxic yea but she puts people first always so !! plz help her poor repressed soul!! rip kool kat.. 

•    still super into the stuff of her time so like.. she loves the x files and bad reality tv shows (i want to be a hilton) and reads gossip magazines on the reg because she enjoys that stuff! also very into girl groups.. ginger spice / posh spice is an eternal mood.  

•    anyway yes sweet adult-child of 21 (she is in denial about that tho like she doesn't want to be childish) who is v nice v kind v loyal v baked a lot of time, v passionate v silly. idk what i'm doin hope u like it < 3

004. WANTED CONNECTIONS . 

friends / best friends / ride or dies . jade genuinely loves people, loves talking to strangers and getting into intense conversations with people she’s only just met, learning other people’s way of life and bettering herself for getting. she is, however, incredibly blunt and has never once minced words to keep from hurting someone’s feelings or to ease them into a situation. she’d much rather have a one-time conversation with a stranger than make long lasting relationships. she has three very close friends –  to the point of co - dependence –  and honestly, she’d rather spend all of her time doing things she loves such as her hobbies, sticking her nose into the latest vogue, or searching for cute collars and treats for her cat mica w them instead of making new friends. she's also FUN and she'd be happy to go on crazy road trips or buy out a movie theater for a day or anything that she thinks will her buds happy. she's traveled all over, so she’s v well read and cultured. she loves people but she hates complication and won't deal with any sort of emotional labor. she wants to live in the moment and expects everyone in her life to do so as well. just be chill, y'all. 

frenemies / enemies /  rivals  . please be her enemy, she needs people to antagonize shdhshd. she grew up pretty much affluent so she’s pretty spoiled even if she doesn’t want to admit it, and that rebellious side of her hasn’t died down yet. despite the fact that she is wealthy and in good community standing, she has a hard time letting go of childish grudges. in general she’s got a lot of suppressed feelings and ready to fight everyone who hurts her friends – like an irritated cat – so, honestly, come at her ? she is sometimes a little fickle and flighty and a unintentionally stuck up when it comes to art / fashion and she has definitely said the wrong thing at the wrong time and pissed the wrong people off, she can’t stand anyone underestimating her or thinking she’s dumb bc she’s interested in fashion. like gtfo !

ex’s , fwb’s , possible love interests .  jade is fairly fluid romantically and is the type of person who hates labels but also just wants to be cherished and called cute pet names lowkey. she loves a lot and gives a lot to her relationships, but typically doesn't want to commit to anything important. she’s gone from one disastrous relationship to another, ending up with a boyfriend who constantly ridiculed her image that was essentially the catalyst for her cutting off romantic ties, quite a recent wound before she found herself on the island actually. worst thing is tht she’s convinced herself that she’s been the problem in these relationships –  that she turns good people bad or that she is too much for people to deal with, she’s not sure what the issue is and she doesn’t really want to know. so…. fuck everything amirite ? anyway, she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no (wo)man. 

etc . pls give me people jade can give a makeover to, people she shares an apartment w on the island, people who think fashion is girly and vapid.. creatives who love what she’s doing, anything tbh << 3

[sullen-defiance]

Captain Marvel summary and review- Spoilers

Captain Marvel as a movie had a lot of expectations going for it. The problem is it can’t just be fine, it has to be great to justify itself and that sucks.

The first half was...okay. The part with the 90′s was less than what was expected by the built up hype. We get blockbuster, radio shack, one of those coin operated phone booths and I think that’s it. It’s less epic than what I was expecting, and that’s fine!

I have not read the comics for this character apart from a few pages floating around. I do know some of her backstory though. The dad, the brothers...interestingly almost none of this is in the movie. The clips of her childhood in the movie are all that is. It’s a kinda montage. I wish we had gotten 10-20 minutes at the beginning of the movie that detailed her childhood.

Instead it starts off with her in the kree world with her memory lost, she doesn’t know herself and unfortunately nor do we. As the movie progresses, she starts remembering but we don’t get much of an inside look (if that makes sense). It would work in a book format, not so much for a movie, much less an action adventure.

In the kree world, Carol is known as Vers, (from Danvers). She has powers, but weirdly her mentor insists on her fighting without them. He also tells her she has to suppress her feelings to be a great warrior and she takes it as well as Anakin Skywalker. She then meets the Supreme Intelligence of the kree ppl, whose true form nobody knows, they appear instead as the opposite person’s most admired figure. So, a reverse boggart?

Jude Law also tells Carol he wants her to be her best self and that sent me screaming to You, it was not a good comparison.

The higher powers approve her going into combat, so this is her first mission, in 6 years? A little back and forth between her and the Supreme Intelligence, she can;t remember who she’s speaking to, even if its supposed to be the person she most admires. At the mission, more back and forth between the team, this time more humorous. Carol seems the outsider and we later find out why. The entire team knows more about her than she does, and they’re hiding it from her.

The mission to rescue a spy goes awry, its a trap, they capture Carol who the trap is actually for. A memory device pokes at her brain and spills montages left and right. Carol wakes up, kicks ass and crash lands on CR-45 (?) which its inhabitants know as earth. The memory spills include one of a Dr Lawson, who Carol sees the higher beings as. The kree want this doctor. She spills all to Jude Law who tells her to sit tight.

She does not sit tight.

Carol and Fury reenact the buddy cop movies of the 90s, and team up after Fury sees the Skrulls with his own eyes morphing into Coulson. Fury is basically a baby in this, since when his boss tells him, over the dissected body of not!coulson to keep this to himself and not to involve any other shield employee, Fury agrees. Has he not watched any 90s movie? He was in half of them!

They end up causing chaos in the air force hanger and find valuable clues to Dr Wendy Lawson and Vers’s past. After new recruit real!Coulson lets them go, they buddy cop over to Maria, Carol’s bestest. It explains why Coulson and Fury are so close. Coulson earned Fury’s trust a long time ago. Maria gives an infodump on Carol’s past and her last day on earth. Lawson, one day, was frantic and said lives were at stake and her prototype plane had to take off now. Carol insists on flying it. That’s all they know until the Skrulls turn up. Talos, Head Skrull, gives her a peace offering, the black box of her crash.

Voice box recording turns into flashback. Lawson was actually a kree who defected. She was working on a new fast type of plane powered by the tessaract, which was picked up by Howard Stark at the end of CA:TFA. It turns out the Kree are the bad guys while the skrulls are the good guys?! wtf? This was kinda a weird choice. I kept waiting for the skrulls to turn around and say sike! we’re the bad guys too! So the skrulls are the good guys in the movieverse? I know there are some good skrulls in comics, but they are really rare. The kree attack Lawson and they crash. She bleeds blue and insists on destroying the engine. Before she can do that, Jude Law shoots her, Carol shoots the engine and absorbs the energy. The Starforce team kidnap Carol.

Fury is still suspicious and threatens Talos with the cat, which will follow them hither, thither and yon. Talos claims it is actually a Flerken. They head to Lawson’s secret headquarters, which is orbiting earth, and is host to skrull refugees. Lawson was building her superfast plane for the skrulls, so they could go far away where the kree could not reach them and settle on a new planet. Carol, charmed by mini-skrulls, swears to help.

Goose, the cat, the flerken actually, SWALLOWS the tessaract by i shit you not using the octopus tentacles that come out of his/her mouth. Dr Lawson had strange taste in pets. Now it makes me sad, to think of the flerken left alone after Lawson dies and Carol disappears. No wonder she keeps following Carol. After I finish this I have to go cuddle my cat.

Jude and the Starforce show up and ruin things as usual. They capture everyone and tie Carol up fifty shades style and the Supreme Intelligence taunts her, saying Carol’s emotions are still holding her back. This is when Carol goes into kickass mode and wipes the floor with everyone. Goose...swallows some people. I don’t want to talk about it. Maria flies the rest of them to safety and kree forces gather at earths atmosphere and attack. Carol kicks their ass too and promises Thranduil that she’ll come for the rest of them. They leave. Carol puts Jude Law back in his place, it is so satisfying.

Fury learns what happens when you give too much attention t a cat when it does not want to be touched. I would not survive if I had a flerken. It is hilarious though that all those shitposts and memes and other posts of Fury and Goose and Fury’s eye are now canon. Carol leaves with the skrulls to find them a new home and gives Fury back his updated pager. Fury starts typing up his Avengers manifesto v1.

So, the second half of the movie was when it really hits its stride. Carol really settles into herself then, and there’s definitely a change in her. Her sense of humour also reminds me of Tony Stark and it would be a joy to see them interacting in Endgame, but I doubt they’d give Tony’s character that.

The two main drawbacks were lack of attention on her childhood and youth, which is only hinted at and the lack of introspection. There are no quiet moments where they focus on her emotions, so we get to know her and how she’s really feeling. The only facets of her you see are wisecracking, kicking everyone’s ass and memory loss angst. You don’t even see her ptsd, it doesn’t really touch her. It could just be first movie problems. The second movie, or subsequent avenger v2 movies could address this.

Everything else was great, I particularly loved the credits, Marvel has been pushing them to an art form lately and CM’s is really epic.

POST CREDIT SCENES

MID: Present day Avengers Compound. We see some numbers first, Tony’s holographic screens are up and the news is not good. The numbers missing is devastating. Camera moves to bearded Steve in a white tshirt looking delicious and Natasha standing around the holographs. Steve says, “This is a nightmare.” Nat says something like i’ve never had a nightmare like this before. Rhodey enters and says the pager turned off. They rush there, Bruce is there too. They troubleshoot a little and Nat orders it be turned on and new developments reported to her. She turns around and Carol is there. Its a bit like a horror movie scene to be honest.

END: Goose vomits out the tessaract.

[rezilient-m3]

Dec 12

So, a lot of changes has happened since my grandma's funeral. We came home that Monday. My sister C ended up getting sick with liver failure, from taking a shit ton of Tylenol & drinking herself stupid for years. This I will come back to.

In our home, Alex got upset at my eldest girl, T again (on the 29th). Flat out said to me, in front of all the kids, mind you, that "either he's going or she does." I said "okay, we'll go." I was so upset. I cried a little. Then, got busy on my computer. I looked for jobs and rentals. And I slept on the couch, without really saying anything to Alex. I told my girl, she shouldn't worry, but she did. I seen it in her face. That was the piss off part. Like, how dare you threaten our security, once again, especially knowing this is the one thing she's terrified of. Like, my kid has had it rough. She grew up problematic and got shit taken out on her. Her step-mom would tell her how bad she is, call her a bitch within hearing range, and always kick them out of her house. So, understandably, she has issues with trusting that she'd be welcomed here no matter what. He should know these things. He should know we have to try to make her feel wanted, and loved, and secure for her to start changing her behaviours. So, why say that shit to her? Geez.

Anyways, next day I went out and viewed a place, emailed a bunch of other ones AND got an interview. Alex carried on asking me if I was leaving, I said I'm trying to, he says I shouldn't "but should try to make her act better." 😒 Boy, I wanted to scream. I didn't tho. I'm so non-confrontational and that sucks about me, so I didn't say much. I slept on the couch again. Following day, he asks why I slept on the couch again. So, again, that bothered me, but I didn't say anything. We ended up carrying on, like nothing happened. I bet our counselor is gonna have a field day with that one, cuz I wrote to her the night of complaining about everything. I really thought we'd leave. Lol. But I didn't get the houses. "Too many kids" and no job. I tried to explain I was good for the money, which I would have been. Not the point tho, they can't just trust my word. Lol. Understandable. 🤷‍♀️ Weird thing about all of this whole situation is, I felt completely fine and maybe a little bit relieved at the thought of being on my own with my kids. I hated the thought of leaving my youngest here, and sharing him. But still, that thought bugs me now cuz I'm still here. Wondering what it means? Lol. Shit. Plus, he left for work. Today is Sat, he left Sunday. Even that, I was okay with him being gone. I get to chill out with my kids not worrying about him losing it again. He'll be back after Christmas break starts. On the 20th, I think. We still msg everyday, telling each other we love each other. Cuz we do, I don't doubt that. It's just all a bit confusing. We'll work on it. 🤞

I got the job tho. 😁 I'm a EA sub for the city's school division. I got the interview on the 4th, I got everything I needed to hand in that Monday the 7th, started working on the 10th. Could have been the 8th, but I put start day for the 9th, then said I was unavailable lol. But, main thing is I'm working now. Like, for real. Crazy. I'm 32, with my first real ass, legit ass job. I was emotional that first drive up to the city. Thinking about how differently I felt bout myself. It may not seem like much to most, but hf, I did it.! And best part is, the city is short on EAs apparently, so my boss offered me a contract, starting in Jan. She offered me before I even got dispatched, so that was on Wed. So, I'm waiting. Hoping I can get papers signed before the province decides to shut down schools again. Cuz everyone thinks they will. 😬 But we will see.

I'll either be saving for being ready to go out on my own, OR a life with Alex for an extension on our house. I hope it's all of us for the rest of one of our lives lol. But I just never know. I could be in love with him one moment, and the next, he just kills it with the shit he says. So, idk. I'll be ready for whatever.

& moving onto my sister. After the funeral, she went to the clinic, got sent to the closest hospital, then flown out here to the major hospital. They out her to sleep and breathing tube. She's had liver & kidney damage, and something about her gall bladder. (Idk how relevant this is, but this be the one that Alex first started dating, before we met lol). But we all thought we were gonna lose her. I was scared. Some how, she pulled through,and woke up after 10 days. She stayed in ICU for 3 or 4 days. Those days I was allowed to go visit. Then, last Thursday, she got moved to a floor where they'd monitor her, but ell enough to get out of ICU. What does she do? Check her damn self out of the hospital. And what did I do? Go fricken get her. This is the weekend Alex found out he was leaving, so we were really busy. I had no time to drop what I was doing to drive her home. She ended up staying on my couch for the weekend. Holy fuck, did she ever turn yellow. I was mad at her. But I still drove her home. I took her, and picked up my niece to come help me, so I can start working. Idk how she's doing. She says she's fine, but who knows for real? She has an appointment with the doctor on Monday. But that gets me mad. Like, try fucking living. We're all not ready to lose you woman. But, who really is "ready", right? Idk. We'll see.

And moving onto James' news. I found out from my girl's step sister, that he's been living at his grandma's. The same grandma that caused me so much stress in my life. Lol jk. I'll try not play the blame game. But, that bitch. (Srynotsry). So, I tried to call the lead investigator to tell her what I know. She was busy. That was 2 days ago. She was supposed to call me back but hadn't yet. Bitch, her too lol. Ugh, why do ppl suck?

And in other news, I got a ticket for being on my cell today. I might lose my.license for 30 days from being convicted. Long story, but I have a history of tickets. Got to a pint where, if I lose 2 or 3 more demerits, I get suspended. So, what to go dummy. My master plan is to drag it out and hopefully lose it during the summer months, so I could at least keep working. Idk man. Out of all the good things happening for me lately, it all went down the drain when this happened earlier today. I still feel like shit about it. Wondering whats gonna happen. I'm honestly scared. Fml.

But that's all I got for now. A lot to unload, and probably did a shit job telling it. Lol. But I'm tired. It was a long day, my dudes. G'night. ✌

[africareddie]

haha all the asks,,,,

i’m supposed to be studying- but fuck it i’ll do all of them

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

i’m doing this on spotify lol

dancing in the sheets by shalamar

why try by ariana grande

rock and roll music by chuck berry

u can’t touch this by mc hammer

hip to be square by huey lewis & the news

no scrubs by tlc

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

aha okay so either matt dillon or jules @burgundyrosez because they’re both amazing

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“..and heavy steps, and when frost looked up, prepared for anything...” 

4) What do you think about most?

my future 

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

yeah a little poem was written about me before and i mean there are songs with my name in it *coughs* sweet caroline *coughs*

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

no, mine aren’t really strange lol

7) What's your religion?

i’m a christian but like i’m not very religious

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

riding my bike (if i had one lmao) or walking

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

oh gee- i have noooo idea but i love the 1975

10) What was the last lie you told?

er- i can’t remember exactly what it was

11) Do you believe in karma?

eh, idk

12) What does your URL mean?

it’s all about the outsiders so like tuff,, and then outsiders,, boom

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

my greatest weakness is probably giving into people easily, like sharing pieces of me i shouldn’t. my greatest strength is,, idk

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

lol is this even a question??? matt dillon, duh

15) How do you vent your anger?

i don’t get angry that often, but when i do i just listen to music to calm myself down

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

i mean i have quite a few antiques, but i wouldn’t call it a collection

17) Are you happy with the person you've become?

yeah, i definitely feel much better about myself then i did like a few weeks ago, but there’s always room for improvement 

18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

wow,,, idek about the sound i hate. i love the sound of the waves and rain

19) What's your biggest "what if"?

what if someone actually had a crush on me like they really liked me for me,, that would be something

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

nah, not really. i don’t think about that stuff lol

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

i don’t get this question lol

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

i smell air, idk i don’t smell anything

23) What's the worst place you have ever been to?

i don’t know about the w o r s t place, but the burger king bathroom isn’t pleasant (i never eat there anymore oops)

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

elvis presley was cute, also the weeknd is��

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

it’s like, you were put on this earth, so you should make the most of the time you have. so the meaning of life is just to be able to have the opportunity to do whatever you want, whether that’s skydiving or binge watching a show inside, that’s for you to decide

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

nope i don’t drive

27) What was the last movie you saw?

halloween, and now i’m gonna have paranoia about that guy following me when i walk home so great 

28) What's the worst injury you've ever had?

i scraped up my knees pretty bad and i almost broke my nose twice so that was fun

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

aha everything regarding the 40′s-90′s

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yeah, it’s not fun boys and girls

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

i used to, but i learned that they aren’t worth it, so i just let it go

32) What is your astrological sign?

virgo

33) What's the last thing you purchased?

a vinyl record

34) Love or lust?

love, of course. i feel like with lust, that lust will end up turning into love, at least for me35) In a relationship?

nope, single as a pringle

36) How many relationships have you had?

lol not even one. i was sort of close once..-

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

baha what secret weapon idk how ppl like me

38) Where is your best friend?

at her house,,, d  u   h 

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping 

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

yeah, i think i’m a decent person but there’s always someone better

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

fuck it i’m saving that dog idc if i was going to get married or something i will save that dog

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

yeah, i will tell people that actually care about me and stuff. idek, i’d probably tell everyone how i really feel about them and try to get as many things as i can done that i want to do. heck yeah i’d be afraid

43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

boys will be boys by maureen steele because it’s just amazing and it’s from one of my favorite movies and i just think back to the movie and i smile like an idiot

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

communication. always tell your partner what’s on your mind, it helps build trust for one another and it overalls makes you feel better about your relationship. 

45) How can I win your heart?

just like,, appreciate the things i like and just- idk be there for me and tell me how much you care about me

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

heck yeah

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

i have no clue

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

i have no idea either

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart."

a beautiful thing that can be jumping with joy one moment, and shattering in pain the next

50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?

blue and sunset colors

51) What is your current desktop picture?

it’s the gang like jumping off the little platform thing you guys know what i’m talking about,, it’s in b&w

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

lol donald trump 

53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

um,, like if someone asked how i really felt about them (like if i didn’t like them very much i’d be afraid)

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

reading people’s minds

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

ummmm probably some point where i was in d.c in 8th grade

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

um,, this one thing but i can’t exactly say it so- yeah 

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

i have noooo idea tbh, i’m not really into music celebs like that

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

italy boi. or new york

59) Ever been on a plane?

nope

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

matt dillon, rob lowe, diane lane, and other peeps my mind is just going blank though

[vanedicated]

lets get personal. 1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? • Fearless by Jasmine Murray • Dive by Ed Sheeran • Don't Say Goodnight by HotChelleRae • Pursue by Hillsong Young and Free • Hello by Hedley 2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? • Jesus 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. •aminoglutaric a. Glutamic a (Taber's Medical Dictionary) lol 4: What do you think about most? * Future. My future 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? * "Bessy" 6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? * with my clothes on ofc 7: What’s your strangest talent? * I can eat a lot but I do not gain weight. (Lol is that a talent? 8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) Girls... It's all about what you are suffering right now, it's the attitude. Boys... Respect is what matters most. 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? * nah 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? * nah hahahaha 11: Do you have any strange phobias? * Hahaha. I don't like seeing nuns. Maybe because of the horror film "The Nun". 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? * that would be so gross 13: What’s your religion? * Born Again Christian 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? * Window Shopping * Feeling the wind * Just observing 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? * Selfie? I would. Hahaha. But I most likely prefer to be the "BTS" gang 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? * Hillsong Young and Free and ARTTM 17: What was the last lie you told? * I will save this money. Hahahahaha 18: Do you believe in karma? * Yes. I've been a victim a lot of times hahaha 19: What does your URL mean? * happysurprise/serendipity 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? * Strength? My optimism vibes. * Weakness? Being humiliated in public. Ow mem 21: Who is your celebrity crush? * Korean Oppas 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? * NAH. I would bever do that haha 23: How do you vent your anger? * Rants on twitter. Hahaha 24: Do you have a collection of anything? * memories. I'm collecting them. Eh? 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? * talking on the phone 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? * Yes. But I want to be better. Like I still have a lot to do and to learn. 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? * hate? Mettalic kind of songs. Punk rock * Love? Nature sounds. 28: What’s your biggest “what if”? * what if I never go with that decision? 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? * I was afraid of ghosts!!! Aliens? Hmmm. To see is to believe. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. * Pillow. Pillow. 31: Smell the air. What do you smell? * Air freshener 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? * Canal. Hahahaha 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? * WEST. Sunset? 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? * Demi Lovato and Sarah G. 35: To you, what is the meaning of life? * Life is life if you live it to the fullest. 36: Define Art. * Art is not just about the aesthetic value of something. It's about what you see in it that makes it beautiful. 37: Do you believe in luck? * no. I believe in HARDWORK baby! 38: What’s the weather like right now? * Mostly cloudy 39: What time is it? * 5:23PM 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? * Motorcycle. Haha. Yah. I even broke one of my fingernails on my toes. 41: What was the last book you read? * Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? * Ya. Hahaha. Sometimes I do. 43: Do you have any nicknames? * Vane, Baneng, and Weird! Lol 44: What was the last film you saw? • Everything Everything 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? * I had an injury on my upper cheeks. 1cm away from my eyes. I even hd this patch on my left eye before. 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? * Yes. Haha 47: Do you have any obsessions right now? * Coffee. 48: What’s your sexual orientation? * Female 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? * Yes. There was this vandal of my name on one of the female CR's when I was in Highschool 50: Do you believe in magic? * No. This ain't fantasy. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? * Yes. But not that long. I just give myself I time to move on. I forgive easily. But I don't forget that much. 52: What is your astrological sign? * Pisces 53: Do you save money or spend it? * Spend it. Huhu 54: What’s the last thing you purchased? * Dress! 55: Love or lust? * Love ofc. Lust is a sin: 56: In a relationship? * Noh. I can't even take care of my self! My gash. Hahaha 57: How many relationships have you had? * Smiley 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? * Hahaha! No. (My gash.) 59: Where were you yesterday? * At home. Doing households. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? * Yes! My cable wire. Yay 61: Are you wearing socks right now? * Noh. It's hot in here. Why would I? 62: What’s your favourite animal? * Dogs and Cats 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? * Food. Hahaha 64: Where is your best friend? * She's within me. 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. * I'm new in here coz I deleted mu Tumblr app before. 66: What is your heritage? * Education? Is that correct? Haha. * Or maybe my blood. I have a Mestizo Igorot Blood. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? * Sleeping 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? * I don't know. 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? * no. 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? * YES! I'm the bully friend but I'm actually sweet, caring and funny to be with. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? * I would probably call 911 to help the dog. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? * a. Yes. To mu loved ones. * b. Enjoy the rest of my days. Eating, travel. And spend time with the ppl I love. 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. * Trust. Because evetually, how can you love someone if you don't trust them? 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? * FEARLESS by Jasmine Murray 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? * 5532 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? * Trust. Openmindedness. Independence and Faith to God. 77: How can I win your heart? * Travel with me!! 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? * Yes! Learn from Edgar Allan Poe. Hahahaha 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? * Served God by Dancing. 80: What size shoes do you wear? * Size 7 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? * Life is short. Don't waste it. 82: What is your favourite word? * ellipsis. Elysian. Demure. Wanderlust. 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. * love 84: What is a saying you say a lot? * Kaya deta! "I can do it!" 85: What’s the last song you listened to? * Where We Land by Ed Sheeran 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? * nude cream peach navy blue gray 87: What is your current desktop picture? * Sunsets 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? * Terrorists. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? * What Am I To You? 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? * Scream and leave my room! Omg! 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? * Psychokinesis. Teleportation. Invisibility. Healer. Immortality. 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? * Those moments with my friends. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? * Being with the wrong person. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? * Idk hahaha 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? * Maldives! Hahaha 96: Do you have any relatives in jail? * No. 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? * No hha 98: Ever been on a plane? * One day!! 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? * Stop the chaos. God is Good! Have Faith in Him!!!

[yumenosakiacademy]

metr0c0n 2k18 thursday

hewwo!! first day over aa.. this is 4 future me, but i suppose u can read it~? cosplayed: tsumiki (sd/r2)

started off the day rly eqsy bc apparently the lunch rush traffic was held back by a crash? i left after eating some cereal n packing n stucc n dad n i listened to The Eagles on the way there n i got all Registered then walked around for a lil while until my DD/lC panel. i saw a shiki (s1dem) tho n went “!!? bc i didnt think id see any s1dem cosplays here this weekend but!! oh i also saw my old friend Lynds (still cosplaying casual rapunzel like last year) n we talked abt how we became more depressed over junior year n how, when she went to d!sney trvia, she should just start singing tangled songs bc thatd b “a power move” n “have big dick energy” lol 

so anyway i went to the panel n it was just all of us writing poetry in near silence then sharing em n some ppl had serious poems or short dumb ones or funny ones n the joker/akira next 2 me wrote a rly good poem abt akira!! i wrote one abt a beast pouncing on someone in the woods n devouring em, w each line as 6 syllables! then shared one of my old poems abt my negative thoughts regarding my weight then the panel ended soon enough! 

then i got 2 walk around for 2 hrs.... i rly just kind of circled the dealer’s room n sometimes the con floor n i visited the idol table but only rly found one shinou keychain i wanted so.. oh1 a tsumiki i emt turned out 2 b the mei i befriended like 2 years ago at the con tho! n i was like “aaa it’s nice 2 see u again!” n they had the junkrat too (the junkrat wasnt junkrat tho, i just mean it was the same guy as the junkrat i befriended back then w the mei) HOWEVER at an itabag booth, i thought the person running it w pink hair looked like tori n i was like “oh my god r u cosplaying tori?” n they went “yea! n this is my Eichi!” n pointed 2 their fellow booth runner n i was so excited n asked 4 their pic n the eichi had 2 put on their jacket (they were the dance gcha versions) n i was like “oh my gosh dude i luv ES i was actually gonna go as tsukasa today we coulda been the rich kid trio omg” n i showed them my ES buttons/straps then left n a while after, i met a komaeda n took their pic n we talked abt despair n DR n joked around n hs was brought up n he apparently has a jake engl!sh cosplay at home n we were just joking around for a while abt DR n hs n h!veswap n stuff until i parted ways 2 go back 2 the dealer’s room. before that in the dealer’s room, i met a homare n after my pic i said “uhm.. prec/ure, thank you for saving everyone!!”  n found that kind of cute. a junko also took selfies w me aa.

i also met an aoba n took their pic n told them abt the official english localization coming soon n they were stoked bc they didnt kno abt it b4 n they told me there was a noiz at the con too so i was like “!!” n i eventually found them n apparently they were semi-new to the dm/md fandom? they said they were Late but i told them abt the localization too. while i was talking to the noiz, some lady at a nearby artist booth was like “are those ur real nails? omg can i take a pic” so i let her photograph my hands n we talked abt nails n how she usually kept hers long but has to cut em shorter for cons bc they break at cons due to the lifting she has to do n stuff.

the LL panel!! we mostly asked the 3 ooc questions abt idols n stuff after they did their trivia and dances. speaking of trivia, i won a d!sney villain lanyard, makkach!n sticky notes, n p0kem0n socks bc i answered like. 4-5 questions right haha some of the questions were rly easy tho sooo

then i walked around More. i explained to a group that i was giving out lollipops bc mikan’s a nurse n lollipops r like a doctor n the yukine went “i kno ur source ur no-!” n i went “i kind of am! but ur right, maybe im kind of like junko;’s mistress...” i saw a pregame saihara, kaede, n maki n when i gave them shots 4 their lollipops, i said “saihara, maybe thisll cure ur depression!” on impulse but jtggth. I ALSO MET A REI COSPLAYER n i was like “aaaa i luv ES hewwo... reiPs united” n they were like “im actually not a reiP, but ppkt hink since i cosplay him that im one haha. im a ritsuP but i cosplay rei bc who loves ritsu the most? rei!” n we talked abt events n how u have 2 try rly hard n they said that ppl think the next gacha or event will b leo n i was like “the knightsP are already Here...” n i said that if happyele brought out chiaki i’d die but b Ready n then we started talking abt how chiaki is so effing GOOD n ryuse!ta! being Good Boys n they were like “i wouldnt cosplay ryuse!ta! but chiaki, maybe... yknow, i actualy dont like subaru that much bc hes rude/cold to chiaki tbh.” n i was like “also arashi” n they went “...dont like him.” n then “how/why could/would anyone reject chiaki’s hugs?? they say he’s sweaty but like, ill hug tou so much dude” n i was like “YEA id hug him a thousand times over” n i was like “yknow how he pats anzu’s head n says good girl i wish that were me.. but hes so Good” n they were like “he obviously drops hints at anzu, saying things like ‘haha well this could/would happen If You were My Girffriend...’” n i was like “YEA the boy isnt Subtle.. he’d b like ‘wow i wish i could have a gf that could make me a bento.. wink.wink. oh, anzu u can cook? [scoots closer] hm. that’s-” they had 2 leave after a minute but ANYWAY they said they were gonna b kanzaki on saturday n im READY

THEN the whose line panel! it was RLY funny but writing all the details would take FOREVER okay.. im not that dedicated. maybe another time, kay? anyway, i saw a farz n a vincent n took their pic n went “oh, did yall see/kno there was a lawrence here earlier?” n the vincent pointed to farz n said “that was them” n they said “that was me haha...” n i went “...oh my GOD im so effing stupid i cant remember faces well im so sorry” but anyway the panel was funny n for the prompt “things u say abt ur cosply but not ur s/o”, i went up n i said “i could prob buy this for cheap...” then for “cheesy promomercials for anime characters” i said “welcome to kyu/bey’s magcal girls! u can become a magical girl w a low price. our prices r so low, but dont lose ur Head over em!” 

anyway i didnt kno the panel was 2 hours but i left a lil after halfway thru to go to the fr33! anel n they did trivia (i didnt get any of the questions.. i got CLOSE on a question tho. they said, “in 50 off who was nagisas boss” n i said “master dave” but it was “easter dave” so the other person got the prize (it was a poster or a button, idk) n i chose the number 5 for the dare n had it w rei, n rei had to propose to a random audience member n they nervously proposed to a hanayo n it was funny hehe. i also asked truth/dare 6 w nagisa n it was “whats ur dream/dream job” n he said an astronaut who’s also a penguin farmer pff anyway it was fun!! i also asked what if they were to b idols n i think rei said hed b the costume designer? i also asked if they could rap freestyle n they said “we’ll take a hard pass on that one haha”n i was like “hehe its fine i was Joking”

then i kind of loitered around blasting hypm!c songs then st down until i had 2 go hooome!! TIME 2 GO 2 BED

[nicemango-feed]

On Aziz Ansari: Let's Set the bar Higher than 'Not Rape'

I've had a hard time getting myself to sit down and write about this. I've procrastinated for days, always finding something else to do, other than think about this blogpost....or the Twitterhate writing about this subject could bring, from the antis and 'Rational Centrists' - who are usually...you know... *totally*  believably moderate and Center in their politics.  It's sad that we live in a world where being a feminist or simply a woman speaking up about sexual harassment/abuse/coercion/inappropriateness is a controversial position on the internet.  Many tend to be more concerned about the careers of the accused being DESTROYED than what the victim might have gone through, and how their lives might have been affected. And, all this in a world where a self professed sexual predator was elected to lead one of the most powerful countries in the world. 

His career seems fine, so far. 

***

There are so many thoughts buzzing around in my head...things that I’m recalling, that I’d rather not. I'm reluctantly combing through my relevant memories, because these #MeToo stories cause them all to surface. Those experiences in uni, on a packed bus, at work...with a boss creepily running his finger down my neck, bare shoulder and along my ear... (was it my fault for wearing an off shoulder top?) are all coming back to me. Another experience comes to mind, one with a doctor responsible for putting me under before a surgery - who leaned in and called me 'sexy'...as I lay there on the operating table about to be knocked out cold.  I clench my jaw just thinking about it. There are so many ways that behaviour can be sexually inappropriate, a whole spectrum exists. It's not always as black and white as rape vs. not rape, attack vs. no attack...it doesn't actually have to be an 'attack' to violate someone. And some very important, oft-neglected conversations lie in those grey areas.  The thing that bothers me most about the discussion revolving around #MeToo, other than those trying to discredit the whole movement as some sort of hysterical, puritanical sex panic/witch hunt, is the binary thinking - That either this movement is perfection, impossibly unflawed....or that it is unfair and worth delegitimizing entirely... 'angry women' apparently now hold a lot of 'power' over some potentially innocent men that will get caught up in this. Will somebody please think of the accused men?!!

Sigh. If I were Aziz, I'd honestly cringe at the kinds of things being written in my defense.

(Click to enlarge) Interestingly. the writer of the above piece defending Aziz is also the author of this gem. "Having so many choices, Caitlin Flanagan maintains, has torn women away from what many of them want most: to raise a family and run a household. "  I bet this is on Peterson's reading list.

The attempts to discredit a general conversation about sexual behaviour that crosses the line, takes me back to my experiences with conservative opinions in Saudi and Pakistan.  While of course not at all comparable in the power they wield over dissenters or the degree of blatant misogyny...the underlying distaste for women having these conversations, reminds me of what I've seen in the other countries I've lived in. There are definitely some common themes, harder to ignore in these Trumpian times, as the better packaging comes undone.   However, despite some fierce criticisms, a very important discussion has opened up. And I for one am pleased to see the walls of silence come crumbling down, inspiring women around the globe, including in my motherland, Pakistan. As difficult as these conversations are, they need to be had. Finally…finally, women are being heard on this. Finally the grey areas are up for discussion...

There's this ridiculous idea that if it’s not a Harvey Weinstein level of abuse then it’s basically not worth criticizing. 

Firstly, I haven't seen anyone equate Aziz to Weinstein, and secondly why the fuck isn't something less than that worth talking about? The complaint isn't that it just wasn't romantic enough ffs. 

I'd even say the behaviours and incidents that are not on the worse end of the spectrum are probably personally relevant to more people.

It might be hard to come to terms with for some  -- especially those who are now having to question their own past actions -- but lets face it, sexual mores change, evolve and have *always* done so. 

This isn't some new thing sprung upon us by the 'spoiled, shrill, unreasonable, sjw' feminists of this decade. 

Once upon a time in popular media, Pepe le Pew's courting tactics were considered acceptable for children to view, hilarious even. 

Now, we know better. 

*** 

Many things can simultaneously be true in regard to this story & #MeToo, this is what most of the pushback doesn't get:

1) Of course it is in no way comparable to Weinstein, and 'Grace' from the story isn't saying that it is. 

2) It still paints a concerning picture.

3) The Babe article was done irresponsibly, it's focus on irrelevant minute details like the wine, etc. were damaging to the story.

4) It still started an important conversation.

5) Just because it isn't rape or about workplace harassment, doesn't mean it can't be included in #MeToo.

6) Criticizing people who are less than serial rapists doesn't mean it's a witchhunt. 

7) Yes there are bad takes happening in #MeToo, some blanketly throwing men under the bus. That is unavoidable in a conversation where literally anyone and everyone is chiming in. We should call those out too.

8) Some bad takes do not discredit all of #MeToo.

***

There are already many people like Christina Sommers, who will defend Milo at his worst, 

Now deleted whataboutery deflecting from criticism of milo making comments about real ppl, actual consent. Not a play. 

But are waiting to jump at the slightest chance to discredit this entire movement, 

Not well reported but definitely not 'baseless', even he did not deny any of it. 

The skeptosphere in particular has been painfully swamped with praise for the ‘brave women’ who speak out against #MeToo (because of course),

Not to mention this very article laid out that the 'brave woman' being praised also defended Roman Polanski. Then I was also linked to this, and it seemed he engaged and didn't deny defending someone who was jailed for paying underage sex workers. :(

There are takes involving the revolting hashtag #MeNeither (yes that's really a hashtag dedicated to people who haven't been sexually abused talking about flaunting how they haven't in the faces of those who have), that frankly strike me as reminiscent of women who insist that because *they* had a choice around the hijab and niqab, that those things are not oppressive. We have plenty such women in Pakistan and Saudi, so many of these systems would not have thrived so long without the help of women who have a case of internalized sexism. Their western counterparts are now more openly flaunting their positions, in this absurd Petersonian era of the Skeptosphere. I mean #TradLife is a meme that exists now and isn't laughed out of existence. 

Yes yes unbunch your undies, I repeat, I know Saudi Arabia is worse and much more oppressive, and that women in Pakistan have a way tougher battle for rights ahead of them than western women do. I’ve heard that dismissing tactic enough times. 

There can exist similarities with differing degrees of intensity. 

But just imagine #MeNeither being used to oppose a hashtag where women were speaking up about religiously motivated abuse and mutilation like FGM. These same #MeNeither skeptics would see it for the disgusting minimization that it is. 

Aside from all this, there are also the deeply disappointing 'maybe Sandusky [convicted serial child rapist] is innocent' takes by Jerry Coyne and in Skeptic magazine. Jerry also expressed sympathy for poor Milo after his whole pedophilia scandal. 

Before I am accused of taking it 'out of context' let me just say here's a link to the whole piece read it and cringe for yourself. 

The great Skeptic magazine also wrote a glowing review of Milo's book after this whole scandal. 

There are endless examples of concerning attitudes on this subject among 'skeptics' (see Amos Yee & the number of people that stepped up to defend or minimize Sargon tweeting 'I wouldn't even rape you', those that applauded it at an atheist/skeptic conference) ...but that's a separate blogpost in itself. 

Back to this story now;

This story hurt. 

Aziz Ansari cuts deep, he’s a successful brown Muslim comedian…such success in hollywood is rare for brown people. I have been rooting for him from the start. I grew up longing to see faces like mine on TV...and now...there he was. Oh Aziz 

:(

He’s a non traditional secular guy too who makes shows about his complicated relationship with his parents religious expectations, about the first time he snuck off with his cousin to have some pork. 

There is so much that deeply and personally resonates with me. He's repping secular people of muslim background in a not anti-muslim way...which is just so rare and so important. It really hurts to see him criticized like this, and it hurts to read about how he conducted himself.

I don't criticize him lightly or easily, but even I can see that some criticism is warranted. 

It also hurts because conservative muslims have already long attacked him with garbage takes like ‘hollywood only accepts secular muslims’ 

Really now. Hollywood only accepts secular Muslims? 

 ....And now they're using this story to say that it was his secularism or westernization that are to blame. Which is such rubbish - as if traditional muslim men who have clung to their religiosity and culture do not mistreat women..as if men directly from the old country do not mistreat women. 

I am so sick of people injecting their terrible agendas into #MeToo…be it anti-feminist, anti-western, anti-left, anti-porn, anti-casual sex....This isn't about any of those things...It's about sexual abuse and misconduct in whatever forms it may occur. 

This isn't hard.

On the flip side of anti-secular I've also seen pathetic anti-Muslim takes. 

Right, I suppose it was Cosby, Weinstein, Louis CK, Spacey & James Franco's Muslim upbringing that caused them to behave this way...I mean, obviously there are some religious hypocrites, sexually repressed who act out this way. But Aziz's story clearly isn't to do with his being of Muslim background. I forget which hadith says, 'demand a blowjob in the first 10 mins of a date'. 

I’ve also seen embarrassing ex-muslim takes, bringing Mohammed, (the prophet) into this whole thing? I mean why… this conversation is about people that...at the very least, have recently existed? 

Are we going to bring Henry VIII into it too? This is such foolishness, and such a stretch to find a way to drag Islam into it. Why do they insist on making Islam criticism so cringeworthy? Islam certainly has some terrible beliefs surrounding treatment of women, most Abrahamic religions do. But when you're grasping at straws like this and inserting mohammed into conversations like #MeToo , it just makes your criticism appear silly.  

A better way would be to call out people who use religion/Islam to justify things like child marriage or sexual abuse today.. that would be relevant… unlike dragging Mo in all the way from 7th century Arabia. 

As for the anti left takes... OH MAH GAWD THE HYSTERICAL LEFT IS ON A WITCHHUNT AGAIN *eyeroll*....Yes absolutely there are some extreme takes on the left that make me cringe. Just the other day I saw one with like 25K retweets saying that men should act like their name could be on a list. I don’t think that preemptively instilling fear in innocent people is the right lesson to take from this at all. 

Then there was someone I encountered who claimed that STEM was immoral because Krauss tweeted that disappointing article. I mean, come on...what a ridiculous conclusion. 

I’m happy to call those views out without dismissing the whole of #MeToo. 

What I’m tired of seeing (particularly in the skeptosphere) are people who’ve not uttered a peep in support of women speaking out against predators but as soon as they get the opportunity to tweet an article questioning #MeToo, they’ll be all over that. 

(click to enlarge) An screenshot from an actual article Michael Shermer tweeted out about #MeToo - apparently the voices of women who have had enjoyable sexual experiences are missing from #MeToo...well no shit. 

***

Aziz’s case was a good way to see who’s just looking to delegitimize this entire conversation and who's willing to acknowledge the flaws in the Babe article... while also saying, "this is something we need to discuss, as we are currently redefining and renegotiating the boundaries of appropriate sexual behaviour. That is literally the point of this. Remember, at one time marital rape was not acknowledged...these boundaries continue to shift as culture shifts - and to be clear, I'm not saying this case was rape.

What makes Aziz’s case especially worthy of criticism is the context that he literally wrote a book on the nuances of modern dating,

"In Modern Romance, Ansari combines his irreverent humor with cutting-edge social science to give us an unforgettable tour of our new romantic world." 

And let's remember that some of these cases have only surfaced because the women involved saw these men shamelessly flaunting a #TimesUp pin after having treated them in this way.

Aziz has often used feminism in his comedy, has talked about being a feminist and encouraged people to use the word. It's perfectly fair to call him on his unfeminist behaviour.

Some of what was detailed in that ‘Babe’ piece was pretty horrifying, I can't even believe this is up for debate or being characterized as her wanting him to be a 'mindreader'. 

She physically removed her hand from his dick 5-7 times….she said she pulled away... went limp and stopped moving her mouth, she told him she didn’t want to feel forced…when he asked about sex she said 'next time'...

What about this is confusing or unclear? What part requires mindreading? What has made people behave so viciously towards Grace...the fact that it wasn't rape? Come on...is that where we are as a society? Our bar should be set well above 'not rape'. 

He's a celebrity she has admired, it could easily have been intimidating for her when he started undressing her so immediately. She understandably needed a moment to process wtf was happening. She gave him enough cues to stop and he didn't...until she stood up and said no yet again. Even after all that he tried to kiss her again, reached to try and unbutton her pants again. Can a woman not expect to sit at a first-time date's house without getting felt up and kissed constantly? 

He doesn’t seem to have denied any of the things she’s listed, just that it was interpreted differently by him. And he might be right, he may not have even noticed doing anything wrong...Which is what’s appalling, this is the conversation that hasn’t happened properly.  Now is the time people are going to speak up about boundaries in the bedroom. 

Some responses to this were so cruel, so vicious...it was hard to even look. 

  The victim blaming in relation to this case is just everywhere…the articles I’ve seen are unbelievable. How are we *still* having these discussions. Some of it perhaps, can be explained by a generational difference in perception. There's this idea that younger feminists are not tough enough, spoiled even. Feminists back in the day were fighting the 'real' fight, this is just shallow frivolous stuff now. 

I mean of course there are some ridiculous fringe views in feminism too, but these are exaggerated to try and discredit the whole of it. 

Being taken seriously when demanding progress has been a struggle for each generation. 

Sarcasm Font:

Worry not, silly Regressives...everything is *great* now, feminism has achieved it's goals and therefore has become unnecessary - Because things are not *as* bad as they once were, because women are now seen as 'equal under the law'.... there's no problem. Kind of like how racism is over too. Especially post-Obama, there has been no racism in the US ever again. You know where they need feminism? In those other countries, those people over there don't know how to treat women. Us in the glorious West thankfully have it all worked out. 

***

In seriousness though, one of the best responses I've seen to an accusation (not a perfectly comparable situation but one that is also 'not rape') is from Dan Harmon of the show Community who recorded a heartfelt apology on his podcast. 

Here’s a weird one for you: Last week, I called out my former boss @danharmon for sexual harassment, and today I’m going to ask you to listen to his podcast. https://t.co/BEZAWH787V

— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) January 11, 2018

Now Grace’s critics might also look at this situation and see something that required no apology, but in my opinion his words did a lot of good. It set a great example for something like this to be done again. 

Megan Ganz was a writer on the show that he had feelings for which soon became incredibly uncomfortable for her. Here are some quotes from his recorded apology below, which I think are especially significant in this climate. Too many people still insist that anything less than rape or Harvey Weinstein isn't worth discussing.

He made sure to tell his audience that attacking her or revictimizing her would do him no favours. 

He used language like “Attracted to a writer I had power over” 

“Ran the risk of undercutting her faith in her talent”

"I did the cowardly easiest laziest thing you could do with feelings like that, not dealing with them..and in not dealing with them I made everybody else deal with them. I made her deal with them. I was flirty, creepy, everything other than being overt enough to constitute betraying your live in girlfriend to whom you’re going home to every night."

He acknowledges, that he stopped short of doing anything obvious enough to constitute open betrayal and it was still a problem. And how everyone else, especially her…had to deal with that because he wouldn’t.

"….telling myself and anybody that threatened to confront me with it, that if you thought what I was doing was creepy or flirty or unprofessional, its because you were the sexist…”

Sounds familiar re: how the skeptosphere treats racism/sexism, It’s you who is the real sexist if you think women are victims. It’s you who is the real racist if you complain about racism. 

(Interestingly it’s also like the twisted logic you hear a lot ex hijabis mention, how they once justified the modesty garment to themselves; "Women who don't wear hijabs are slaves to society/the patriarchy, who mould themselves according to the will of men." "Hijabs are liberating, feminist…a means of freeing yourself from the male gaze, from scrutiny over appearance, etc, if you don't wear one you are actually the oppressed one"… but no one really buys that kind of thinking deep down inside.. do they?)

Back to Dan Harmon though, note the subtlety he captures here:

"Its not as if this person didn’t repeatedly communicate to me the idea that what I was doing was divesting her of a recourse to integrity.. I just didn’t hear it. It didn’t profit me to hear it."

Aziz Ansari could benefit from thinking along these lines. What he did may have been within the bounds of legality…but it was most certainly not ok. As someone who is a celebrity you’ve got to be aware of the sway you have over others. He must have sensed some of her signals of not being on board...I mean she literally said at one point, "I don't want to feel forced" but it didn’t benefit him to really pick up on them and adjust his behaviour accordingly. 

This line in particular struck me:

“I want it to sound relatively unremarkable to you because that’s the danger” - its really wonderful to hear someone acknowledge this...a man-person, even.  There are so many of these 'unremarkable' experiences happening in bedrooms, at workplaces that cross the lines...we need to start talking about those, and how we've normalized this kind of thing. 

"I wanted to teach her a lesson, if she didn’t like being liked in that way”

Good on him, for acknowledging he felt that way.

"I crushed on her and resented her for not reciprocating it, and the entire time I was the one writing her paycheques ….treated her cruelly. Things I would have never done if she was male."

"I lied to myself the entire time about it, I lost my job, I ruined my show and I damaged her internal compass…and I moved on."  [emphasis mine]

I imagine this is an effect Aziz might have had on Grace as well, and it would be good of him to acknowledge it in the storm that is being unleashed on her. Her internal compass must be all over the place right now... second guessing herself for creating this cyclone of hate.

Yes we know Aziz isn't a monstrous rapist, but still this account does not paint him in a good light. It would be incredible to hear something like Dan Harmon's apology coming from him...something heartfelt, with no excuses. Something that calls out the articles and people hating on her. But that's usually not how things are handled in these situations, so I won't hold my breath. Harmon said he went against legal advice to talk about this openly. 

Anyway, those are my meandering, rambly thoughts on the matter. Thanks for sticking around to read them. 

I hope that we can soon stop shaming Grace, and have more productive conversations around sexual misconduct that is 'not rape'. I hope we can hold people to a higher standard in the bedroom than just 'but it wasn't illegal'. I hope that the terrible op-eds saying spare Aziz from criticism because he is brown-skinned will stop. 

--------------

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[nekoluvz]

It's a little early but I've been thinking of my new years resolution. About how the past 2 years haven broken me and how I wanted to move on. This story is long but if you want to read go ahead.

It really started about 2 maybe 3 years ago when I started working at a fast food place in my town called roys. At first I was a cashier but later moved to kitchen. They realised that I was really good at it and was able to close kitchen earlier then most of the other workers. So they started making me close... 6 days a week. It was exhausting but I kept at it, even though I really really hated it. I got stressed where I would puke very often, I even had panic attacks that sent me home. Well I complained a lot to my family about it and around January of 2016 my dad got me into his work at a factory ( He is the top engineer ) and I got a place to run a machine.

Well I started off with training 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. 2 months and I was doing 10 hours a day for training. Very annoying but I did it. Well as soon as I passed training and got my schedule ( which was D shift ) my dad was able to get my GF the same job as me so we could work together. The job was a 12 hour shift rotation where I did one month of day shift then one month of night shift and etc.. Well things were fine and dandy, the pay was good and my GF was in training while she was promised to get on the same shift as me... well.. after training she got C shift. Which meant she worked the same days as me BUT I would work day and she would work night. It wasn't ok, in fact I was very mad because they didn't want us to get "distracted". But it was 2000$ per pay check from us and it was good money. So as months went on I started to get very very stressed. Everyone had unusually high expectations of me, like I was friggin monitored all day. I struggled a lot to keep up a good imagine for my dad even though I couldn't handle some things with the machines and would call for help. I often got scolded being told I should know what I'm doing ( there was one machine I wasn't trained on and wasn't shown how to change parts of the 2 machines ). I really hated my job at this point, the stress, the anxiety, the pure FEAR of being fired and the disappointment from my father. I felt like I was being eaten alive by my emotions, every single day I would cry having to work. My days off all I did was sleep because I was always exhausted. I couldn't see my friends, I barely saw my GF and I just felt alone. Trapped at this horrible job.

At that point of being there for nearly a year I broke. My depression got the best of me. One day I fell to the floor sobbing, I couldn't handle being there anymore. I couldn't quit, my dad just guilt tripped me. All i wanted to do is die.. I had plenty of ways of doing so in a dangerous environment but it then hit me hard realizing how terrified I was of dying, having to leave the most important person in my life. I went to my co worker on the next machine begging her to get our supervisor because I was getting suicidal. I was then dragged to office and of course my dad was there. They kept asking if I really felt that way and was there any way I could calm down to go back to work. I said No, I wanted to leave and go to the hospital. Eventually they said ok and let me just drive myself to the hospital ( which in my opinion don't let suicidal ppl drive at this point).

As I was being evaluated my dad, his gf and my GF came to the hospital. At that time I didn't know my GF was there till afterwards. When the evaluation was done I had to be sent to a mental ward because I was under watch. My dad said that my boss is willing to wait for me to come back and I just told him I don't know if I want to go back. Well his gf grabbed my shoulders and practically shook me saying I shouldn't quit and that I "loved my job". At the time I blocked her out because I was just flat out tired. My gf was upset because she wouldn't get to see me for some time from this and I'm pretty sure this situation was very hard on her. In my mind, I felt free from my stress.

While I was in the hospital ward, all I ever did was sleep. I didn't like group sessions because ppl scare me. I didn't want to be awake, I didn't want to deal with the fact I was going to go back to work soon. My dad and his gf visited often, I would call my GF nearly everyday on the little phone they had. She even got to vist with my best friend who I consider as a sister to me. I was slowly getting the help I needed and then my dad told me to live with him to help recover and well dumb me said ok. I eventually left the ward to live with him and his gf while they went to look for a therapist and psychiatrist. During that time I had been sent from the hospital to a group therapy place nearly everyday for 4 some hours. In my opinion it didn't do squat bit the individual therapy helped a lot. Sad thing is that insurance didn't cover it and I paid out of pocket. It was 400$ per session and my dad refused to pay so I spent every penny I had doing these sessions. 3 or 4 months went by, the therapist came around and said i wasn't fit for working and wanted me to do disability. I was happy to know ( tho I didn't know about the hardships of it till later ). I told my dad and he flipped, he said I wasn't going to be lazy and become a bum. He said only the true disabled should have disability and I wanted to use it to be lazy and that I need to be a part of "society".

After that I was taken from that place and forced to see doctors of my dad's choosing. I kept arguing with him I wasn't going back to the factory that it was too much for me. He kept using the argument of good money and I worked less days then most ppl. Well I eventually did win and got to quit BUT I went back to the fast food place... hurrah. Of course of what happened last time repeated itself and not only that but I got sicker, more stressed and I wasn't paid for over a month because they messed up my papers... SO THAT WAS FUN. Not only was all this happening but they got very controlling. I stopped seeing my GF ( only texted ) and I wasn't allowed to have friends over because I was "recovering" and they think I only needed family. Like um ok my GF isn't family??? THEN THEY HAD THE NERVE! They just started sitting in during my sessions and told the doctor about MY problems. I didn't get to speak, they told the doctor things that weren't true. I had medications taken from me and changed. I was suddenly not considered ADHD anymore. The meds I got made me exhausted and I hated it. So my parents got all upset that I'm more sluggish and tired saying the medications are ruining me. They wanted me off them saying it won't "fix the problem" and kept begging my psychiatrist to take me off them even tho he clearly stated I shouldn't be off them.

I started to relapse in server depression. I had to change jobs to one closer to my parents house, well that job was 10x worse. I had no breaks, I couldn't even pee for more then 5 mins a day. I didn't know this and would go to the bathroom to calm my panic attacks down. I didn't want to be a burden at my new job. Well my coworker complained that I left her alone too often, we worked kitchen ( just me and her ) and apparently that's too hard on her to be alone... During the dead hours. I was taken aside and told to get my bladder fixed or I was fired. During all of this I was slowly breaking more, my dad got fed up that I would stay up late talking to me gf till 10pm cause god knows why they HAVE to wake me up at 6am everyday. He started restricting my phone and somehow was able to lock my phone from his??? First the internet went off at 9pm then he would completely lock my phone so I could use it after 10pm. Now mind you that my GF still worked at the factory so it was already hard to communicate with her. At this point I had no one. I was shut off from everyone.

I couldn't do it anymore, I was done. I completely relapsed with suicidal intentions at work again and hide in a corner of a dark room. Remember how I was a kitchen worker? I had giant knife all around me and I felt unsafe. I was terrified of hurting myself or my coworkers. Now at the time I was working with a cool guy that let me go calm down but I couldn't escape the thoughts and feelings so I called a hotline which said I need to go to the hospital. But they wouldn't let me drive and I needed a ride. My dad at this point said hospitals are a waste of time and money and I shouldn't go anymore for my depression. So I did the best thing i could think of and called my mom and well guess what. She didn't know I was suicidal this whole year! My dad never told her and she was livid with him. It was no wonder she didn't visit the mental ward!

She got me, I told my GF who just got off work so she speed 90mph down the highway ( I was an hour away ). I saw an emergency therapist who said I needed to move out and move with someone that can keep me safe. So I chose my GF and well the therapist told my dad off on phone saying he's too controlling and can't keep me at the house anymore. But even tho I moved and such I didn't realize all the harm my dad and his GF had cause to my baby. She argued with them saying they were controlling and abusing me. They even flat out insult me infront of her and called me out on things. They said she couldn't take care of me, they said we shouldn't even be together if I can't take care of myself and that I shouldn't rely on her. They said things like relationships arnt meant to rely on each other but be just partners. They nearly broke our engagement.. They nearly tore us apart. They even went as far as saying that I should be dating someone else or that it's ok if I'm having an affair with my best friend ( on days off I would go to her house to be away from my dad ).

But even so she stuck by my side and I shouldn't feel so blessed having her. I kept seeing my therapist but things got worse. The therapist was nice at first but every time I went I had to repeat the same story to him about my childhood. Of course he ignored that and only focused on what's going on with me and my dad and the fact I was gay? Like more then half of my sessions would be him rambling on how gay ppl are treated and how that causes depression. Of course I'm sitting there telling him my sexuality has nothing to do with my depression but he wouldn't listen. I felt ignored.

No matter how much I said that my whole life wad a struggle with my mental illness he ignored it. He then just had the nerve to say " you don't have depression, you just have self esteem issues" . . . . Excuse me? He rewrote my records with that and saying my meds were pointless. I couldn't even begin to explain how upset I was. So my next session I brought my GF with me and we talked about how terrified she's been with my depression and how much it was hurting her and how much I was hurting. At the end he just looked at me and asked... " do you think your psychotic?" And I was just baffled. I couldn't even think and I just slowly said "..no?" And he just turned to his desk saying "that's what he thought" and said i don't need disability and such. I just shattered that day. I stood up and left completely stunned. My feelings, my emotions and my struggles.. all for this? To be told I'm just having self esteem issues? That my whole life struggle with depression and wanting to die was just a small problem? I felt broken, I felt that all my problem were nothing. I refused to see a new therapist after that, that my problems were stupid and pointless and I can just get over it. I even cut my meds out, because apparently they were pointless. I went through horrible withdraw and my depression went out of control. There were times I get so upset I would just walk outside and leave. Because I felt like I deserve to die on the streets because I felt like a burden. And yet my GF has been fighting to keep me safe and in a good home.. sometime I feel like I don't deserve her. But I made a promise that I would get better. That I would never give up.

So for my new years resolution I want it to be the year I heal. The year I go and get real help because I know I have people who do care. I want to keep the promise I made to Nicole. I know my problems are real and that I should seek help. These past 2 years may have broken me but I'm going to do everything that I can to piece myself back together and be me again. And that is my promise.

[mqcky]

for kate its boring

this is for kate and it is boring its just me answering questions bc i wanted to and im only sendingi t to kate ok?

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

i only have like 1 album but ok....

all night - bey, maybe sweet one u wont have nightmares tonight - father john misty, demo of the adams administration - hamiltn?, thrill of first love - falsettos, im breaking down - falsettos, sandcastles - bey 2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? omg idk.....maybe jenny slate or like .. oprah.......would be a good story 3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. im so lazy but the book is the secret history  4) What do you think about most? hpw much i hate the whole world!!! at least lately AMIRIGHT 5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? no who am i the pope??? 6) Do you have any strange phobias? tsunamis D: 7) What's your religion?     death 8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? going inside LOL ;) 9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? a group of oscar isaac clones 10) What was the last lie you told? that i took tylenol when i didnt bc im afraid ill die if i take it :/ 11) Do you believe in karma? no 12) What does your URL mean? its my name w my last name as the a 13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? greatest weakness is that im lazy and strength is ?? people stuff i guess?? 14) Who is your celebrity crush? i think...we...all know 15) How do you vent your anger? calling 6 of my friends in a row 16) Do you have a collection of anything? playbills i guess but not on purpose except i spent 45$ on one once 17) Are you happy with the person you've become? ya 18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? hate is men talking and love is kates beautiful and versatile voice 19) What's your biggest "what if"? what if i cleaned my room 20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? bobvisutlt 21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. left is my starbucks cup and right is a pillow im in BED 22) Smell the air. What do you smell? like sweat im so gross and sweaty rn 23) What's the worst place you have ever been to? hoboken new jersey 24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? ??oscar? 25) To you, what is the meaning of life? being perfect for OScar 26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no i dont but when i was a kid i was in the car alone and put it in drive and drove it into a building 27) What was the last movie you saw? inside llewyn davis 28) What's the worst injury you've ever had? concussion 29) Do you have any obsessions right now? suits and the crumbling state of society 30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? probably idk! 31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? na 32) What is your astrological sign? sagitrasu 33) What's the last thing you purchased? food proabbly 34) Love or lust? love????? 35) In a relationship? with kate??officially

36) How many relationships have you had? 100?? 37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? lie and say we like the same thing even fi i dont like it

38) Where is your best friend? halifax :( 39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? watching tv 40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? yes 41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? call the fire dept ? obviusoyl? 42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? a) yeah id get so much free shit are you kidding?? id tell people i dont know b) idk im really poor but id want to go somewhere nice w my friendos c) obviously ??? 43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? that one song by the weeknd. u know it 44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? jokes and lying to eachother 45) How can I win your heart? ^^ 46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? i mean i guess?? 47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? lowkey it sounds dumb but probaly like making a tumblr bc i met jess thru there and made other connections?? 48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? “lived gay died gayer” 49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart." blood 50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? purple  51) What is your current desktop picture? its like a painting but then w emojis replacing the OG face 52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? I THINK WWE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION....... 53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? idk probably none i love intrusive questions 54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? idk flight w no issues... like i dont die or get cold or whayever 55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? watching wicked w stephanie j block when i was 11 bc i didnt appreciate it enough 56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? lmfao HONESTLY my FUCKING BIRTH  57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? ??OSCAR? idk that feels like cheating ...... i dont want to bang other ppl 58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? usually id say ny but honestly rn probably like somewhere w a fancy beach 59) Ever been on a plane? yes 60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. oscar isaac, eddie redmayne in jupiter ascending, the other hot guy in jupiter ascending (NOT thumb man channing tatum), thats it honestly :/