#like do not get me wrong despite fucking hating cops I am one of the freaks in love w Daisy

[itsoktopretenditshalloween]

My least and most favorite part of the Magnus archives is how by the end of the series pretty much everyone Jon meets kind of hates him?? I hate it because my kneejerk reaction is to go "this 28 year old guy got manipulated into doing all of this shit, he's made all of two actual decisions this whole time and both of them were decisions along the lines of "do this or die" or "do this or someone you love will die", like why would all of these people be so resentful to him and him alone when all he's done is be lied to and be bad at communication??" But then the other part of me goes "well yeah, of course he's gonna become the fucking scapegoat!!! Everyone's fucking scared out of their mind and it's easy to look at the person who's technically (literally barely, strictly in name, if that) in charge of one thing and project everything that's going wrong onto him!!! Of course everyone despite having the same urge to figure things out and ruining their own lives in the process of following it is gonna go "oh THAT GUY!!! He fucking consciously chose this, he must have known. He had to have known this is how it would go for me he had to have chosen. This had to have happened because someone wanted it to. It wasn't me making a mistake. It wasn't him accidentally steering me in the wrong direction because he truly did not know better, and he's, again, dog shit when it comes to people skills, it had to happen for a reason" humans are pattern seekers and we LOVE having narrative in our lives, and it's super easy and fun to blame all of our problems on one person, because then we can pretend that everything would be fixed if they disappeared. And of course that person became Jon, because the real big bad guy didn't actually talk to most of the cast very often, and they couldn't kill him without dying. Of course they picked the random guy they kind of knew who was always kind of an asshole. Who else is there to be mad at that would feel it?? Who else is there that would apologize to you for what's happened??? Who else is there that you know can feel guilty even if it's not as guilty as you think he should feel????

[lakesbian]

you know what. im going to follow my heart so we can move on with the wormread and just copy-paste what i said about danny in chapter 6.9 on discord with some minimal editing because it's not pretty but the general thesis is there and i don't feel like making it into proper paragraph form

okay so the thing thats fucking killing me abotu 6.9 is that danny is literally like. he tries to call taylor a nickname only her mom called her once he realizes he's fucked up bad and is trying to recover whichi s insane [because it's obviously going to be upsetting to her by reminding her of her mom being gone, and it also indicates that his fall-back for something going wrong w/ taylor is to try to appeal to her by poorly copying someone else's parenting style] and he also randomly tells her about how her mom wanted to move her a grade ahead but he wanted her to stay in school with emma to make her happy. and he's been Stewing On That despite knowing it's objectively not his fault (and i am reminded of how in his interlude he spends time Stewing about how he wishes annette were there to give advice) and he also cops up to the fact that that the whole thing about "being her parent and not her ally" (<- demented thing to say for obvious reasons) wherein he locks her in a room and demands emotional vulnerability from her even as she's becoming visibly upset & compares his actions to emma's was her grandmother's idea and then. here's the real kicker. once lisa shows up and prepares to take taylor away there are any number of actions a parent confident that they're doing the right thing for their child would normally do in response--not, like, Good actions, but things that a parent would be likely to pull. threatening to call the cops bc blah blah you're my daughter, wanting to speak to lisa's parents, any form of power move pulled over these two teenage girls but instead he speaks to lisa like she's an equal authority over taylor and seriously asks if she's "okay with this" (i should remind you of the concussion chapter where lisa is doing some insane power move shit over taylors dad covertly establishing herself as more competent at caring 4 her than him lmao) which is just like. it's so glaringly wildly obvious how this guy has Zero confidence in himself as a parent so he generally does nothing and then while he's doing nothing he oscillates btwn rationalizing it to himself as allowing her privacy/dignity, getting angry at himself/calling himself a coward, or getting mad at TAYLOR and blaming HER for not being the one to take initiation to be vulnerable with him and, like. he literally does make functional decisions prior to this for a bit! he's good and supportive at the meeting with the school board about the bullying!!! but it doesn't immediately solve literal years of distance between them that have led to taylor having to take decisionmaking for her wellbeing entirely into her own hands w/o being able to tell him about it [& having literally no route for human connection or support other than the undersiders] so he just completely crumbles on his own calls and seeks out/takes completely shit advice from taylor's grandma instead so i very much think what's insinuated here is like. especially given that he knows he has anger issues and never wants to Be Scary with them. he might have frequently leaned on annette for parenting decisions before she died and/or is really fucking haunted by the time(s) he didn't listen to her and it went wrong and now that she's gone he's just kinda floundering and trying to toss the baton for parental decisionmaking onto anyone else, including, at one point, the literal teenage girl who shows up to help taylor run away from his house. insane ! also. thinking about how taylor says her grandma (maternal) never liked her dad. that man would literally rather talk to the mother of his dead wife, who hates him, and take her advice than go 'yeah ithink im gonna keep using my own judgement for compassion towards my daughter' fucking worst anyones ever done it this guy has the spine of a twizzler it's great

...and then doing All That & severely triggering taylor's trauma from the bullying in the process completely shatters any trust he had built with her, catalyzing her realization that she wants to be able to have meaningful relationships with the undersiders & leading to her running away to leave with them! i don't think anyone can say for sure whether or not danny Not doing this would have led to taylor turning the undersiders in before realizing that she would regret it, but oh fucking boy does he make SURE she doesn't go thru with it. and it would be bad to call the cops on a bunch of systematically neglected traumatized teenagers regardless of how much crime they're doing so you know what maybe we should actually thank danny for his Shit Parenting stopping taylor from being a narc

[runawaymun]

okay your QiQi and Hu Tao post is so real, her trying MULTIPLE TIMES to bury Qiqi is so??? Like. A young child dies in an accident of no fault of her own, and at the last second, an adeptus, an immortal powerful protector of the land, decides "this child deserves more than she got. She deserves to live." and revives her so that she can do that, but Hu Tao thinks she knows better? Like yeah your family has been running a funeral parlor for years but you're like 19 and you think you have the authority to overturn the judgement of low-level gods?? Please. Bless Baizhu's patience to keep rescuing Qiqi tbh I would have resorted to violence long ago.

Also, while Baizhu is not my Blorbo I am extremely glad to see a familiar face genshin-posting, I want to follow people on here for that but every time I go into the tags I take psychic damage :( I suppose I shall just have to do it myself but I'm a little intimidated lol

Me every time Hu Tao shows up and starts Some Shit:

I know it's supposed to be like silly goofy and her cluelessness is meant to be endearing, but it's just...not? She is so rude and careless and there comes a point when it is no longer pragmatism about death and steps over the line into "You're just an asshole". The fact that she leaves fliers FOR HER FUNERAL PARLOUR outside THE PHARMACY is just insane behavior. It's disrespectful to Baizhu and it's so fucking insensitive and disrespectful to literally everyone else. God bless Baizhu for insisting that he doesn't have a problem with Director Hu and for being the bigger person/the adult in this situation and so forgiving and patient like it could NOT be me.

Yeah she's nineteen and has trauma, but exactly exactly exactly Qiqi's story says the gods felt so bad that she died because of their conflict that they brought her back to life to right a wrong, and it's so fucking mean that Hu Tao insists that "Qiqi isn't alive" and "that's not any kind of life to live" and "let her be at peace" etc etc like that is not your fucking decision. That's up to Qiqi and Qiqi wants to live god damn you. LEAVE HER ALONE.

Also okay yeah she's 500 years old but that is a child with severe memory loss. Yes she's a jiangshi but she literally gets lost and stuck on her orders sometimes to the point that Baizhu needs to help her find her way home. Qiqi is just out there living her life and Hu Tao said "and I took that personally" LET HER VIBE. I hate that she made so many comments on Qiqi's stiff limbs (read: her fucking disability) that now Qiqi feels really uncomfortable if anyone other than Changsheng, Gaming, and Baizhu see her doing her stretches. I hate that despite Qiqi struggling to remember loved ones' names and faces and interactions with them, she remembers Hu Tao because of the trauma that Hu Tao inflicts on her every time she sees her. Qiqi is actively trying to improve her life with researching memory/brain exercises and doing her calisthenics every day etc etc and the pharmacy literally could not function as it does now without her. She has as much a right to be a member of Liyue's community as Hu Tao does -- and yeah like you said it is so insanely arrogant and hubristic of Hu Tao to assume that she knows better than the fucking minor gods of Liyue.

Literally Baizhu and Qiqi deserve justice and it's just insane to me that the implication is that neither of them decide to press charges on her even though they have to go to the fucking cops about this reoccurring incident. And presumably the cops always side with Baizhu and so like. Again does Hu Tao ever get consequences? Do they at least sanction or fine her??? IDK IDK it makes me so mad that this apparently has happened more than once and the idea of her running off with a child who has memory loss and may not remember who she is or where her home is, she just knows she's scared and that she might literally fucking get buried alive here, makes me physically ill.

anyway I know some people will be like "it's just a game. it's not real and it's not that deep" but I'm still going to hate a fictional character over it. She's an asshole and needs to fucking grow up. Idk maybe she does as she ages. I certainly hope so.

Also hi yes <3 <3 I am so glad you're enjoying the Genshin posting because I am going to be so annoying about it for a while!!! It's nice to find out that you're a fellow Genshin enjoyer. The fandom is uhhhhh crazy. So I feel you on that. I'm slowly collecting some nice people :) Thankfully the Baizhu fans are all pretty cool! I feel like characters like him just attract good energy <3

[itsjaywalkers]

Hi love! Hope you’re having an amazing day!! 🩷🩷

BartyLily is growing on me! Do you have any headcanons for them you don’t mind sharing?

HI BABE i am having a pretty nice day yes!! thank you <3 i hope yours is great too <333

nothing brings me more joy than someone possibly joining us in our bartylily madness.. and do i HAVE any headcanons??? oh abigail i could talk about them nonstop for hours

the beginning of their . relationship . was pretty rocky despite how curious they were about each other bc it was hard to let go of their prejudices. like even after realising they were wrong, it was difficult to simply get rid of all the assumptions they had made after so many years. meaning they argued quite a lot (barty absolutely loves bickering with her bc lily has such a sharp tongue and he's obsessed with how that clashes with her almost angelical appearance)

barty gives her rides on his old almost broken-down motorbike because he likes doing things for her and also bc lily thinks the whole motorbike thing is lame but incredibly attractive at the same time

he calls her 'princess' <3 it makes her roll her eyes and blush all pretty <3

before they start dating tho they refer to each other by surnames . in a very insulting + sexually charged way

barty has done every single one of lily's tattoos

study dates <3

they began talking and spending time alone together after burnout started to get to lily during exam season and barty found her smoking outside the library and asked her for a cig

almost all of lily's friends hate barty or are wary of him but she doesn't give a Fuck

they can be themselves around each other, barty can stop pretending he doesn't care or act like nothing can touch him and lily doesn't need to be the perfect daughter the perfect friend the perfect girl and just . be angry . be mean . be ugly

lily steals barty's jumpers and he loses his mind a little whenever he sees her wearing his clothes

he asks her to be his date for the uni's graduation dance standing outside her dorm holding a boombox in one hand and a flower bouquet he stole and that's completely squashed in the other, unlit cigarette dangling from his lips and wearing sunglasses even tho it's like . 2am .

he wakes everyone up and someone calls the police and they end up arresting him when he refuses to cooperate until he hears lily's answer

she says yes and they make out while the cops are handcuffing him

lily goes to the dance wearing the most beautiful princess-ish dress ever looking like a literal dream with barty hanging off her arm wearing a rumpled suit, tie loose from tugging at it and shirt half undone + covered in blood from this one dude he punched after he looked at lily the wrong way

she takes him to meet her family on a sunday

her dad is terrified of barty. her mum keeps laughing hysterically at everything he says. petunia's right eye keeps twitching

they're in love <3

[harlstiel]

***There will be spoilers for the Teen Wolf Movie below. Because I, like an idiot, actually watched the damn thing.***

Everything wrong with Teen Wolf: The Movie

• Eli's Mother plothole. Who is she? Idfk. Personally, I want it to be Braeden. He was born somewhere around the s3b/s4 mark as the movie is 13 years after s6.

• I'm not a Sterek person. I was actually extremely (still kinda am) against Sterek for a very long time. But this movie? I'm questioning a lot of things. What are the complicated feelings, Derek? Hmm? Oh wait, that's right. He can't answer me because he's fucking dead.

• While we're on the topic. Why, Jeff? Why. Not only did he die of fire (like the rest of his fucking family), but he died in front of his son. Derek Hale allowed his son to watch him die. I'm not saying Derek wouldn't die for Eli (because he absolutely would), but to traumatize him like that? No. The man who was kidnapped, tortured, groomed, sexually assaulted at 15, forced to kill the girl he loved, whose family was burned inside their own home by the woman who molested him... was killed off by burning him with hellfire.

• NOBODY making a move to stop Derek from sacrificing himself in the first place? Scott just stared. Stood there. Did nothing. Wtf? Even though Jordan could've just held Void himself, like, dude. You're a Hellhound. He's a werewolf/demon thing. You were destined to kill bigger.

• Derek allowed Scott to take in Eli? Excuse? The man who hates being a werewolf and his 17(?) year old 10th grade girlfriend who died before Eli was born, and who just so happens to be related to the woman who molested him and murdered his family? Yeah, no. Why not his perfectly capable(sorta) and healthy(physically, not mentally) uncle, cousin and sister. Or at least his Grandpa Noah, Grandma Melissa or Uncle Chris. (I'm a Peter/Chris person. Sue me.). These people have been in Beacon Hills and has known him his entire life. Scott met him once when he was three.

• What happened to Stydia? Like, you can't tell me Stiles just allowed her to walk out that door without talking in some way? He loved her for fucks sake.

• Jordan and Malia? I'm not saying it's bad. It's not, I actually kinda like it. But where did it come from? No buildup whatsoever. Just BOOM sex scene.

• Liam gets like, 5 mins screen time. Despite preparing to take on the role of Alpha in s6, he's like a side character put there just to be there. He slayed those 5 minutes tho holy shit.

• Liam doesn't say a single word to Mason. Mason doesn't say a single word to Liam. Why? They were best friends and had this seemingly unbreakable bond in the show but now it's like mom and dad are fighting and don't acknowledge each others existence.

• Speaking of Mason, why is he (a gay black man) a cop? This could've been interpreted as either good or bad depending on how you personally want to take it, but during the time this movie was in production, the BLM movement was still pretty big.

• It's an entire game of 'Where's Waldo' but instead of Waldo actually being there, Waldo is both a giant motherfucking plothole and multiple people. Where is Corey? Where is Theo? Where is Cora? Where is Braeden? Where is Kira? Where is Isaac? WHERE. IS. STILES?

• On the Isaac and Stiles Topic, they're the two that should've been there. Isaac had the Nogitsune at the end of season 3, and took it with him to France. Why do Hikari and Liam have it in FUCKING JAPAN? How'd it get there? Why do they have it? What happened to Isaac?

• Stiles. Where is he. You're telling me that the one person who probably knew the Nogitsune more than it knew itself, wasn't at the battle. You're telling me that Stiles, the one person able to out-fox a fucking fox on multiple occasions when he was FUCKING 17 wasn't there? In all his F.B.I. glory? Because ehe could've had Cora, Braeden, Isaac and Kira in tow, and showed up in the final battle guns blazing, killing the Nogitsune, and saving his pack in his tactical F.B.I vest fresh off a secret important case like sorry I'm late, had shit to do? Then Eli could've met his father's beta, his (possible, cause I love Derek and Braeden) mother, AND the badass F.B.I. guy whose jeep he steals 24/7 and had saved his father on multiple occasions? (Bcus it's confirmed Derek talks about Stiles to Eli) And a cutesy pack scene to finish it off? (With maybe some Stira, Stisaac and/or Stora cause he showed up with them and could be dating one (or all) of them)

• Each antagonist of the movie has (or at least a reason to have) a vendetta against Stiles. We know all about the Nogitsune. Harris hated Stiles' guts, albeit for no particular reason. Even Allison could've blamed Stiles for her death in some way (not that she would, of course.) It reads as though it was written for DOB but when he didn't want to do it, they decided not to rewrite it as such.

• Why Mr. Harris in the first place-? Like, he was one of the sacrifices in S3A, so surely the NEMETON would've known he didn't actually die. And the fact that he still has beef with them just blows my mind :/

《I'll add more as I think of them》

[endlesslystarlitskies]

Lost and Found- Part 10

A/N: Here is part 10! I am going to put a tiny pause on posting for now so my friend can beta read the rest of this story. Hope that’s okay with you guys! But it’s all written out so don’t worry, I’ll get back to posting ASAP! Hope you guys like it! 

Genre: Horror, Action, Adventure, Romance, Slow-Burn,  

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x Named Reader (Named but not Described)

Summary: Ella was one of the missing hikers who was kidnapped by the villagers. She narrowly escaped being sacrificed, but her friends weren’t so lucky. Managing to survive out in the woods with her previous skills and knowledge, she runs into Leon, and that meeting begins the longest, most dangerous adventure of her life as she tries to help him save the girl she saw being taken into the church. What will happen along the way? Only one way to find out.  

Warnings: Canon typical violence and gore, Death, Murder, Monsters, Suicidal ideations mentioned. Also, there is a line in here where Ella says Leon would have made a good cop. Yes, this is a warning. This writing is fictional and does not reflect at all on the real world. That line is not intended to be copaganda in any way, shape, or form. Again, this is fictional and has no bearing on reality. If this warning upsets you, just call A Cab, and take chill ride, cuz I don’t want to hear it. 

Word Count: 6,673

Part 9 Part 11  Story Masterlist

xXx

Ella’s heart dropped as none other than The Priest walked into the small room, letting out a curse as she pulled out her shotgun. She should have known that he would take this chance to show himself, probably thinking she was vulnerable without Leon. Ella was determined to prove him wrong.

“W-Who are you?” Ashley asked as she hid behind Ella, not recognizing the man but having a feeling he would be harder to take down than most of the cultists they faced. 

“I am the Priest Castro, and I am here for my investment.” He answered in that sinister scratchy voice that sent a chill down Ella’s spine.

“Your investment?” Ashley didn’t understand- that was until she realized the man’s red eyes were on Ella. It was then she knew that this man had been the person Ella and Leon had been talking about when they were at the fountain. 

“What the hell do you want? You can’t catch me by surprise anymore asshole, so why don’t you get out of here before I put three rounds into your chest?” Ella threatened. This room wasn’t very large, and the outside risked putting her too far away from Ashley. Ella was sure this guy would love to tell everyone where Ashley was, even if he was here for her.

“Why so volatile? I just want to make sure you become the best version of yourself you can possibly be.” Ella’s brows furrowed. Had the plan to kill her changed? 

“Oh, so we’re back to that again? You really had me thinking you were trying to kill me, what with my being targeted and all.” She growled, and she would honestly rather him do that then try to infect her with the parasite again.

“Ah, yes. Ramon does not agree with my. . .plan. But despite that, here you are, still alive and fighting.” His tone was full of pride, and Ella hated it.

“You’ve got five seconds to leave before I shoot you.” Ella demanded, but before she could take another breath, something whipped forward, slapping the shotgun out of her hand. 

“What the fuck?” She hissed, whatever it was having been too fast for her to see, but she knew it had come from him as his robe fluttered back into place.

Not wasting another second, Ella pulled out her handgun, before firing shot after shot into his head and chest until he was leaning forward, his arms hanging down. 

“Why do you fight me child? Why do you fight your creator?” His words pissed Ella off. 

“You are not my creator. You’re just some cult freak who doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong.” She snapped, raising her gun once more and preparing to empty the clip into his head. She stopped, however, when he began shaking violently, her eyes widening.

“Ashley, run.” She told her, knowing this was about to get bad.

“Wha-”

“Run!” She shouted, and Ashley didn’t try to argue this time as she scrambled to the side door, Ella following right behind her.

She had realized too late that she had left her shotgun in the room, but there was nothing she could do about it now as the doors slammed open behind them, and Ella watched with wide eyes as something crawled out onto the stone top.

“Fuck- Okay. Okay, think. . .” Ella told herself, but she had no idea what she was going up against, not getting a good look at Castro. Whatever he was, he was fast, which would be a problem on its own with just her handgun and knife.

Before she could come up with a game plan, something swung down at them from the roof, and Ella grabbed Ashley before jumping out of the way. Ashley grunted as she hit the ground, but Ella was already sitting up, watching as what had come down at them slinked back up the roof. Was that a tail? No, It looked like the fleshy pink stinger of a scorpion.

A scorpion. Poison.

“God, of course.” She cursed, before turning to Ashley. “Run back into the room. I’ll keep him out here. It’s me he wants.” She ordered her, needing to not worry about Ashley right now.

“Right!” Ashley nodded once, before doing as she was told, Ella focusing on the roof as she tried to catch a glimpse of Castro. She prayed this wouldn’t draw any more attention, because she didn’t know if she could handle him and protect Ashley at the same time. She wasn’t Leon. Ella moved down the stone steps of the castle, getting a better view as she looked up, and it was then she saw him. She had been right. He looked like a scorpion. A disgusting, slimy, fleshy pink scorpion with the top half of a man. He wasn’t as big as the chief had been, but he was still terrifying.

“Let me show you what real greatness can be. Maybe then you will not fight your purpose!” There was an echo behind his voice that added to the eeriness.

“Yeah, good luck with that buddy, because what I’m looking at definitely isn’t greatness.” She shot back, and Castro scowled, before practically disappearing in the next second. Ella barely caught sight of him coming towards her, dodging under him as he crashed into the small stone tower behind her, and Ella took her chance to fire several rounds into his head and back. She only had a few moments to get as many shots in as she could, because soon he was gathering himself, turning and looking at her with fury in his eyes.

Ella ran back up the steps, grabbing ahold of one of the stone columns and using it to spin herself around, just barely dodging another charge. Landing in a kneeling position, she aimed another few shots at his head, getting a feel for the game plan. Dodge his charges and then fire as many shots as she could while he was disoriented. She could handle that.

She was able to do that one more time, before he let out a loud roar of rage, and soon Ella was trying to dodge his stinger as it shot towards her multiple times. It nicked her in the arm, and she fell backwards, her back slamming into the stone stairs as she grunted in pain, the handgun falling from her hands. Before she could blink, Castro was on top of her, Ella surrounded by his many legs as his face inched closer and closer to her.

“Now, prepare to submit yourself to the gift of our God! Become my greatest creation and help me please my Lord and gain his favor!” Ella tried to think of something, anything, she could do in this moment, but she was caged in, and all she had was her knife. She was about to reach for it, it being better than nothing, when the door slammed open.

“Ella!” Ashley shouted, holding her shotgun in hand and tossing it over to her.

It clattered against the stone next to her, sliding down the stairs, and Ella didn’t waste a second as she grabbed it, aiming it at Castro’s drooling face.

“When are you going to learn that you’ll never get me, asshole?” Castro’s red eyes widened as he began to back away. Ella fired her shot, managing to get him straight in the chest, and he screamed in agonizing pain as he fell on his back, writhing and sizzling as his fleshy body slowly dissolved, leaving only his top half.

Ella got to her feet, grabbing her hand gun before stepping toward him as she could still hear his ragged breathing. She looked down at his pathetic body, her expression hard and uncaring.

“Y-You don’t understand your. . .full potential, child. If you would only accept his gift when the-” He croaked, but Ella cut him off.

“No, you don’t understand. I got away from you once, and then again, and now I’ve beat you, for good. I will never let Saddler control me, or accept your stupid religion.” She knew he would never get that through his thick skull, but it felt good to say it out loud. Maybe she was just a civilian with limited skills, but she was still alive despite everything that had been thrown at her. 

“You’re not. . .as clever. . .as you-” He rasped, but Ella didn’t want to hear it anymore.

“Shut up, and die with some fucking dignity.” She spat, raising her handgun and aiming at his head before firing the shot, watching as dark blood and pink bits splattered across the stone. She couldn’t even feel disgusted, only feeling an immense satisfaction flow through her as her eyes took in the dead man who killed her friends- who killed Alice.

She hadn’t been looking for revenge anymore, but she got it, and it felt good. She didn’t feel like she was a worse person for it, but maybe that was because it was done out of survival and not vengeance. She didn’t know. 

 All she knew was that she felt better.

 xXx

She slowly made her way back into the room where Ashley was waiting for her, stretching her aching back out as she did. Why did her back have to suffer so much abuse? You’d think the bad guys could be a little more considerate. Ashley was watching her closely as the door shut behind her, and Ella looked up at her, giving her a small smile.

“Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.” She told her honestly, and Ashley smiled softly, nodding.

Ella moved to put some yellow and red herb leaves on the cut on her arm, just in case. It didn’t burn, but it was better to be safe than sorry. As she was finishing that up, a golden glint caught her eye, and her head snapped to the floor where Castro’s robes lay, the necklace with the red gem lying there.

She moved quickly, Ashley calling her name in confusion as she watched Ella grab the necklace and kick the robes to the side, before walking outside once again, Ashley following.

“What are you-” Her question was answered when Ella slammed the red gem into the stone over and over again, cracking it and making the glow fade, before Ella threw it out into the open air, watching as it disappeared below the rocks.

Ella moved back inside without a word, letting out a deep breath as she sat on the couch. Ashley was cautious in her approach as she sat down beside the woman, and Ella could see in her expression that she had questions.

“He was the man who kidnapped my friends and I. I watched him as he gave the order to sacrifice Alice.” She revealed in a low voice, Ashley leaning against her gently to offer comfort, which Ella appreciated. “He orchestrated it all, and while everyone was distracted, I ran into the woods.” She remembered the memory vividly, looking at the wall in front of them, her eyes unfocused. “He always wore that stupid necklace. Every single time I saw him, he was wearing it. So breaking it and watching it disappear felt like getting rid of the last piece of him.” She admitted, before waiting for Ashley to say something. 

She didn’t, just wrapping her arms around Ella in a hug and resting her head against her shoulder once more. Ella was tense for a moment, not expecting it, before she relaxed, repeating her action from earlier and leaning her head against Ashley’s. Ella felt all her anger and adrenaline leave her, being replaced with a muted calm.

She had never imagined she would be able to kill Castro, let alone on her own, but she had. She hadn’t let fear stop her this time, and now the person who had killed Alice was gone from the world, Alice receiving the only justice that was possible in this situation. 

Ella was one step closer to making sure Alice’s death hadn’t been in vain, and that was all Ella could ask for. The wounds were still very fresh, but now she felt like she could truly move on and heal.  

xXx

The next time the back door opened, it was Leon, and he walked in to see Ella and Ashley leaning against each other on the couch. However, both had shot up at his entry, and Ashley wore her relief in her expression, while Ella kept her expression as neutral as possible, not wanting to show how relieved she was to see him.

“Leon-” Ashley breathed, but he beat her to it. 

“Are you okay?” He asked first and foremost, and Ashley nodded, an apologetic look taking over her features.

“Leon, I-” She caught sight of the black veins running up the inside of his arm. She had known he was infected, thanks to Ella, but now she was seeing the proof, it being the final confirmation she needed.

Leon had realized she had seen the veins on his arm, but when she didn’t seem shocked, he glanced at Ella, who nodded to confirm his thoughts. Looking back to Ashley, he sighed.

“Ashley, look. I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, but you can’t run.” He started, but his voice was gentler than it had ever been with Ashley, and Ella was proud of him for actually finding a way to be comforting.

“Yeah, I know.” Ashley responded in a sheepish voice, but she didn’t stop Leon, knowing she deserved to hear it from him too.

“You gotta keep moving forward. We will beat this.” He was being inspirational, and to Ella’s surprise, it was working, Ashley looking up at him, though she looked unconvinced. “Together.” Leon added, and Ella smiled softly.

Ashley sighed with a shake of her head. “I don’t know if I can.” She admitted, her tone defeated. Ella knew how she felt, as she was constantly questioning whether she had what it took to make it through this, but she never let it stop her, reminding herself that it didn’t matter. It didn’t change the fact that all she could do was try. 

“You can.” Leon was quick with his response, his voice strong and sure to show Ashley that he meant his words. Ella believed them too. Ashley had proven she was capable already. All she had to do was believe in herself. “Just- Give me a heads up before you stab me next time, okay?” He joked, showing her he held no resentment or ill will towards her for what happened, and Ashley let out a breath as she looked to the floor, smiling lightly.

“Leon,” She looked up at him, pausing. “Thanks.” She murmured, the blonde nodding once. Ella felt like Ashley had had more to say, but she didn’t mention it, as that wasn’t her business. Leon looked to Ella next, opening his mouth to say something, before his comms going off caught his attention. When he answered it, Ella moved forward to listen in, hearing Luis on the other end.

“Luis! Where are you?” Leon demanded, his irritation with the man seemingly permanent. Ella once again found herself wondering what had happened in the factory, if it was even all there was to Leon’s obvious distrust in Luis. She had a feeling that it wasn’t. 

“Sorry, I uh, I screwed up. Come to my rescue, Prince Charming.” The last part of his sentence had been spoken in an exaggeratedly dramatic tone, and Leon scowled.

“I’ll show you Charming, Pal.” Ella doubted that. Any time Leon could even be considered remotely charming was all unintentional on his part. She was almost sure him trying would be comically bad. 

“Come on, I’m in the ballroom. Past the courtyard. Don’t be late to the dance!” And with that, he hung up, and Ella had to hold back a light laugh. Luis on the other hand could be very charming, and it made him likable and fun to be around. Leon could use a lesson or two. 

“Can’t believe that guy.” Leon muttered, and Ella almost wanted to ask him right then and there what his problem was with Luis, but she decided against it, deciding she didn’t want to know at the moment.

“He’s in trouble. We can’t just leave him, right?” Ella had to hold back her scoff, finding the question adorable. They could absolutely leave him, but they wouldn’t. He had the medicine they needed, after all. It wasn’t only that, of course. Unlike Leon, Ella wanted to save him, and make sure he escaped this place with them. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll get to him.” Ella assured her, and that’s when Leon’s focus was back on her. HIs blue eyes took her in, before his frown deepened.

“Is that a new tear in your shirt?” Ella was shocked, not knowing how he had even noticed that. She had known he was observant, but she clearly underestimated how much so. Ashley and Ella shared a look, before Ella looked back at him.

“Yeah, about that. . .Well, I guess I should just show you.” She sighed, gesturing to the door they needed to go out of. Walking outside, Leon took in the rubble on the ground, as well as the cracks in the support beams, quickly gathering there had been a fight.

Ella stopped beside the disgusting corpse of Castro, gesturing to him.

“Ta da!” She tried to keep the atmosphere light with her dramatics, but when Leon walked up, his brows furrowed at the dead body.

“Is that-”

“Yup.”

“Did you-”

“Also yup.” Ella knew she couldn’t take all the credit. “And Ashley helped.” That had Leon’s head shooting up. “Relax, she wasn’t in danger. She just tossed me my lost shotgun so I could land the final shot.” He seemed to calm at that, before processing the information.

“Good job.” He told her, his voice sincere as he gave her a half smile, Ella able to see the pride behind his eyes. Unlike with Castro, Leon being proud of her made her feel better, her smile widening just a bit. That, and she felt her own sense of pride. She had protected Ashley, and defeated Castro, avoiding his crazy plans for her, and keeping from adding onto the problem that is parasites right now. She felt accomplished, which was hard to be in this situation. 

 xXx

Getting through the next part of their journey in the castle hadn’t been too terribly difficult, though the maze did confuse them a few times. More Cult members had come in after they got the last flag down, and apparently Ramon hadn’t gotten the memo of Castro’s death, because some of them were still gunning for her.

Taking them down and finishing off the remaining dogs from hell hadn’t taken too long, though, and soon they made their way to the now open gate and into the next part of the castle.

Ella had never been so happy to see the Purple flame before, as she had run out of shotgun ammo a while ago. Opening the door, she didn’t even question how he got here, just making her way over to his table.

“I am so glad to see you.” She admitted to him, and The Merchant laughed.

“Ah yes, I’ve heard you had an eventful couple of hours.” He told her gleefully, and Ella blanked.

“Where?! Where have you heard that?!” She couldn’t help it, not understanding how this man worked, but she was just given another full belly laugh and vague not-an-answer, and she let it go as she stocked up. She decided to try her luck with some small grenades and a flash bang, having seen Leon use them a couple of times and thinking they could come in handy. 

“Also got something else for ya.” He held up a black vest, Ella brightening as she realized it was body armor.

“Oh my god, yes, thank you.” She paid him the money, before taking off her flannel and putting it on. It fit perfectly, and Ella could only once again wonder how in the hell The Merchant knew all of this stuff, but she didn’t bother this time.

Hopefully this will help her stop adding to her collection of bandages.

xXx

Their small reprieve from the horrors of the castle was over rather quickly, much to Ella’s disappointment, and soon they were heading back out, only to be greeted with another statue that was missing pieces. Ella guessed they would have to find them in order to advance forward in the castle if there was no other way through, which there never was. She could dream though.

“God, these people really like their locking mechanisms and puzzles don’t they?” She grumbled, not understanding how they had the time to set all of these up. 

Ashley found the portrait that told them exactly what they needed, and soon they were going through the unlocked doors, keeping their eyes out for a serpent's head, a lion's head, and a ram’s head. 

The serpent's head ended up being locked behind a cage that required them to match the portraits at the front of the dining room they had found themselves in, which was relatively easy to figure out fortunately. To keep from having to lug the thing around, they placed it on the appropriate spot on the chimera statue, matching it to the picture. 

The other two would be just as easy, or at least that was Ella’s hope.

xXx

Ella, Leon, and Ashley all stared down the bridge that led to the ram’s head, not one of them taking a step forward as they looked on suspiciously. 

“So. . .” Ella broke the silence. “We all know this is a trap, right?” She asked the other two to make sure they were thinking along the same lines as her. 

“Yup.” Ashley responded. 

“And we’re still going to go get that stupid gold head?” She knew the answer but she really wished she didn’t. 

“Yeah.” Leon answered this time, and Ella pressed her lips together. 

“Are we sure it’s not too late to just-” 

“We’re sure.” Leon cut her off, and she sighed. She didn’t know why she bothered. 

“Well, at least this pathway has some sort of railing.” They didn’t have to worry about anyone falling off the side again. 

“Way to look on the brightside.” Ashley chuckled, and Ella gave her a nod and a look that said ‘anytime”, before the three reluctantly started forward.

xXx

It hadn’t even taken a minute for a cult member in one of those stupid metal skull helmets to come out and pull a lever, lowering the bridge and making it impossible to get to the ram’s head, and now they were fighting off members in a not so big room.

To make matters worse, one of the men was wearing that red robe with a skull ahead, which spelled trouble for the three of them. That was confirmed when he began chanting and waving around the lantern staff with the crimson flame, and both Ashley and Leon grit their teeth in pain as they grabbed their heads, Ashley letting out a cry. 

Leon tried to fight it off and focus on the members around them, but it was clear he was disoriented and unsteady, Ella having to cover his back as a member tried to hit him with a Flail, before she looked up at the red robed cultist. She tried to get a good angle on him from down below, but he would duck out of the way and hide behind a linoleum column, making it impossible to get a shot, and Ella cursed. Fortunately, though, when he did that, he stopped chanting, giving Ashley and Leon a break. 

Ella knew she had to move quickly to keep him from doing that again, and she looked for an opening past the cultists, deciding she would just have to run through. The cultists were still targeting her when they could,making it a risky idea, but she didn’t have much of a choice considering. 

She used her shotgun, before running forward, having to push cultists and wooden shields out of her path as she found a ladder up to the floor where the man with the red robe was. He started chanting once more, and Ella picked up her pace, climbing to the top and immediately dodging a sickle before she kicked the cultists leg out from under him. Ashley’s scream stopped her in her tracks, however, and she ran over to the railing to see one of the robed men throwing her over his shoulder. Leon was fighting off someone who had run at him while also trying to fight the effects of the red robed man, and Ella cursed. Aiming carefully, she shot the man holding Ashley in the leg, making him drop the blonde, who curled in on herself as she grabbed her head. Then, she aimed at the one on Leon, knocking him off with a head shot.

Ella had to move quickly, and she dodged another attack before finally making it to the red robed cultist. Shooting him in the back, she finally got him to stop spouting that stupid chant as he lurched forward, and she fired again, killing him. With that, she ran to the railing, looking down to check on the two below. 

Fortunately, Leon seemed relatively unscathed, and Ashley had gotten to a safer place, Ella letting out a sigh of relief. She’d have to watch out for those men from now on, their ability to affect the parasites within Ashley and Leon dangerous. 

With Leon back in the fight, they dealt with the rest of the cultists, Ella staying on the top platform and taking care of business from there. Eventually, the last man fell, and the three could take a minute to breathe. 

“What was that?” Ashley panted, referring to the effects of the man in the red robe. 

“I don’t know, but we’ll have to keep an eye on them from now on.” Leon echoed her thoughts, before looking up at Ella in thanks. She smiled, leaning against the railing. 

“Aren’t you glad to have me around?” She grinned, and Leon's expression fell into one of mock annoyance. “Oh come on, would it kill you to just admit you’re happy to have me here to help?” 

“I’ll admit it!” Ashley said happily. 

“Thank you, Ashley.” Ella then turned to Leon expectantly, and the blonde raised his brows at her. He hadn’t been afraid to tell her he appreciated having her around after he had saved her from being sacrificed, so she didn’t understand why he was being so stubborn now. She wondered if it was because of Ashley, and Leon was just too cool to admit that her help was useful in front of the girl. 

Men.

“Will you just raise the bridge and get down here already?” Ella glared for a moment, before a mischievous glint entered her eyes, an idea popping into her head. 

“As you wish.” She responded, and Leon could tell she had something up her sleeve, giving her a suspicious look. 

Ella pulled the lever, before she climbed to the top of the railing, and Leon’s eyes widened slightly. The drop was pretty high, not to mention Ella’s injured legs and her tendency to stumble over her own feet.��

“Ella-” He tried to stop her, but she just winked, before jumping, and he moved quickly. Fortunately, he hadn’t been too far away, catching her in his arms, before looking at her incredulously. Ella was grinning at him, her arms wrapped around his neck. 

“What? Isn’t this what you wanted?” She had known he was going to catch her, not worried about it in the slightest; However, looking at his expression, past the usual light frown, she could see something in his eyes as he looked at her that made her breath catch for just a moment, Ella suddenly becoming aware of how close her face was to his. She couldn’t help but take in his features, never having looked so closely before. Had he always been this good looking? Who was she kidding, she had noticed that pretty early on, but it was like this was the first time she was really seeing it, or allowing herself to see it, and her heart fluttered in her chest. How could she help herself? She could feel his strong arms under her legs and back, and even his toned chest against her side despite the body armor he wore. He was warm and comforting, and after everything they had been through, she knew there was a pretty great, albeit a little rough around the edges, personality to match. As much as she had tried to ignore it, she found it impossible to not feel something more for him. 

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” His voice was lower than it had been before, and Ella briefly wondered if he was having a similar moment to her, though she knew that was unlikely. Still, she couldn’t help but hope for a second that it was true. 

“Yeah, but I like to think it adds to my charm.” She gave a breathy chuckle, and she felt his chest exhale in a sigh, though he didn’t say anything else. 

xXx

Ella and Ashley walked ahead, giggling and mumbling to each other. Leon almost wished he could hear what they were saying, but at the same time, he had a feeling he didn’t want to know.

Getting back to the main room, they put the ram head in its rightful place, leaving only one piece left. 

Ella stupidly found herself pulling a Leon, and wondering just how hard obtaining the last golden head could be. 

xXx

“Oh, you can’t be serious right now. . .” Ella groaned as the armor around them suddenly sprang to life, parasites peeking out from the openings. She knew this place had reminded her of an arena, but she could have never imagined that the stupid bodies of armor would come alive. The good news, at least, was that Ashley had thrown down a torch of blue flame to try and help, discovering that the light made them freeze. Ella could work with that. 

Moving to the wall, she grabbed one of the many torches, before running to Leon’s side, holding out the light and making the ones that got too close freeze in their tracks. After that, taking care of them was relatively easy, and Ella had been sure to thank Ashley for her quick thinking as they got the gate opened and moved back to the main room. 

“Alright, last piece, thank god.” Ella sighed as she lifted the heavy golden lion head onto the middle slot of the chimera statue, feeling it click into place just before the door to the right slid open, granting them a pathway forward. However, the sound of footsteps echoed through the main room a moment later. 

“You guys, the stairs!” Ashley shouted, and Ella turned, watching as they flooded into not only the bottom floor, but the top as well, and both Ella and Leon drew their weapons. 

“Stay back.” Leon ordered, and Ashley took a few steps away from the statue. This ended up being a mistake, one of the cult members pushing a lever and bringing a cage around both Ella and Leon, separating them from her. And this time, there was nothing to climb over to get to her. 

“Ashley!” Ella gasped, moving to the gate as if she could somehow get to her. They were trapped inside the cage, however, there being a locked door they didn’t have the key to on the opposite side. 

“Muerte!” One of the cultists shouted, and Leon turned. 

“Run, now!” He shouted, and Ashley hesitated only a moment, giving them a look of concern mixed with fear, before she did as she was told and ran through the door they had just opened. Cultists moved to follow, and Ella did her best to shoot them down as Leon focused on the ones attacking them from the outside. Eventually Ashley was out of her sight, and Ella had to will herself to calm down as she tried not to panic, telling herself Ashley would be fine. She was capable. She’d be okay. Ella turned her attention to the robed men still attacking them, though Leon had taken care of most of them, and with Ella’s help, they were finished off. 

Afterwards, though, there was nothing to distract Ella from her worry, and she let out a breath, falling to her ass and resting her back against the metal cage.

“She’s going to be okay.” Leon assured her. He knew Ella had a very personal reason to get Ashley out of here, and that she had grown close to her over the time they’d traveled together. He was worried too, but they’d have to trust in Ashley from this point. 

“Yeah I know, I just hate feeling so helpless.” Ella murmured, looking to the door of the cage as if she’d be able to think of some magical way to open it, but she knew there was no way they were getting through. She looked up as Leon walked over, the blonde taking a seat beside her and resting back against the cage as well. His shoulder was touching hers, which helped bring Ella a little bit of comfort- Well, as much as she could have with her worry for Ashley gnawing at her.

“Yeah, me too.” He agreed in a low voice, staring ahead at nothing in particular. It was quiet for a bit after that, but with the quiet came anxiety, and Ella looked for something to fill it. She realized this was as good a time as any to maybe learn a little bit more about her traveling companion. 

“Hey Leon,” She started gently, and he looked at her, giving her the room to continue. “Have you ever. . .been through something like this before?” She asked the question that had been in the back of her mind since she first saw how cool and collected he was back in the barn, and then every instance after that. Leon’s lips pulled into a soft frown, and Ella was quick to continue. “Sorry, it’s just. . .the way you handle everything we’ve been through- like the horrifying monsters that will give me nightmares for the rest of my life. I almost froze just from fear many times, what with the chief, or the giant- but you? You acted like. . .Like you’d seen worse.” She murmured, and she really wished that wasn’t the case. 

Leon was quiet as he contemplated her question, his eyes becoming unfocused as he seemed to go to another place. 

Ella had started to believe he wouldn’t answer her, and she didn’t blame him if he didn’t. If she was right, then she couldn’t even imagine the horrible things he had been through. 

“Have you ever heard about Raccoon City?” He spoke up after a while, slightly surprising Ella, but she didn’t show it, focusing on what he had said. 

“Raccoon city? You mean that place that was completely destroyed by some huge explosion?” She had heard about it a bit, as it had been a pretty big deal at the time, but she didn’t know much. Something about a corporation called Umbrella, if she remembered correctly. 

“Yeah. The government did whatever it could to cover up what happened, so not much is known about it, but I was there.” Ella frowned, having had a feeling that was the case but hoping she was wrong. “Umbrella engineered viruses to create Bio-organic weapons so they could sell them to the highest bidders, and the viruses were released one day, turning people and animals into monsters. I was just a rookie cop who had no idea what he was walking into. The only reason I’m even alive is because I was late on my first day.” He scoffed lightly. The emotion in his voice was well contained, but Ella could hear it, which meant that whatever happened in Raccoon city was unimaginable. “Too many people died that day. Good people.” Leon sighed, and Ella felt her heart break for him. If Ella remembered correctly, that incident occurred in 1998, which made him about 20 or 21 at the time, if she was guessing his age right. An image of a young Leon, innocent and eager to find his place in the world, popped into her mind, and her heart twisted in her chest.

She had been talking about how Ashley should be enjoying her life and having fun right now, and here Leon had gone through something similar at around the same age. . .What he had gone through had clearly changed him, changing the course of his life and forcing him to grow up far too soon. 

“I’m so sorry. . . you should have never had to go through something like that. No one should.” She murmured sincerely, as she couldn’t imagine what he had gone through. Or maybe she could. At least somewhat. But she hated that he had to go through something like that at such a young age, and now here he was dealing with something like it again. She didn’t know how he did it. 

Leon bowed his head, his hair falling into his eyes and shielding them from Ella’s sight. Ella was quiet a moment, before she leaned her head onto his shoulder. 

“For what it’s worth, I think you would have made an amazing cop.” She hummed softly, feeling his eyes on her for a few moments, before she felt his usually tense body relax. Ella closed her eyes, then, letting the comfortable silence hang in the air for a bit. 

“What about you?” She hadn’t expected Leon to speak up again, and she raised her head, looking at him in slight confusion. “What did you do before this?” She paused, before having to hold back a sheepish smile.

“You’d never guess.” She told him, and he raised a brow, obviously curious to know. “Okay, but don’t laugh.” She forewarned, before letting out a breath. “I am a baker. I own a small business bakery with Alice.” She admitted, and Leon had clearly not expected that. 

“A bakery?” She could hear the amusement in his voice, but she nodded nonetheless. “But your survival skills and-” Ella’s groan cut him off. 

“You can thank my dad for that. He was a shitty parent, but he taught me how to survive in pretty much any situation, made me learn about guns, and take self-defense classes. He was a paranoid asshole, and I never thought the skills would actually come in handy like this, but I refuse to give him any real credit.” She laughed lightly, the strained relationship with her father obvious in her words. 

“Well, you’re the one who’s putting them to good use, so you don’t have to.” She smiled at that, appreciating that he didn’t try to defend someone he didn’t even know like so many others.  

“You’re damn right, because what good are those skills if you can’t apply them when they’re needed?” She said confidently, feeling a little prouder of herself, before she laughed once more, shaking her head at herself. 

“Are you going to go back?” Ella was surprised Leon was asking her so many personal questions, but pleasantly so. Her interest in his personal life being reciprocated meant that maybe she and Leon were closer to being on the same page than she thought. It was hard to tell with him, though.

“Hm. . .I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about what’s going to happen after all of this. I’ve mainly been focusing on just surviving it, but. . .I don’t think so. I don’t know if I can.” She admitted honestly, and he nodded, clearly understanding how she felt. It was nice to actually learn a little bit more about Leon, and to share some things about herself, Ella feeling closer to him, and not just because they were going through this together anymore. 

Comfortable silence settled over them once more, and this time, neither wanted to break it, Ella once again resting her head on Leon’s shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind it, after all.

[szayelapowo]

fuck i know what i am now i finally figured it out

originally i thought i was a hellhound that tried to escape hell and was punished by being born into this sick diseased human body, but that never felt quite right. or at least not the first part. the second part is sort of right though.

what i actually am is a rogue church grim. i was a normal dog at first. i had an owner but he betrayed me by burying me alive in a newly built graveyard. then after i became a ghost i found out what happened and that i would be forced to protect the humans that were buried there after me and i was pissed. i thought my owner cared about me. i thought i could trust humans but i was wrong so i decided i wasnt gonna do what they wanted. why should i be forced to guard humans after what they did to me?

my memories are still pretty hazy and theres a several hundred year gap between when that wouldve happened and when i was born into this existence but i remember being stuck and miserable there for a while. i had another owner at some point though. like an evil thing, not human. i could shapeshift into a red dragon and white cat (and maybe other things?) for some reason too. what i think happened was the evil thing gave me that power and freed me from being bound to the cemetery, but in exchange for that freedom and power i had to agree to eventually be reborn as a severely disabled human (as punishment for the intense hatred i had of them).

idk what will happen after i die again. ig probably ill go to hell. was it worth it? idk but at least i got to meet szay, so yeah ig maybe it was. i just hope i can stay with him after bc hes my owner now and always will be.

but it all makes too much sense.

a) why i havent died yet despite the ridiculous amount of diseases i have. its because im not allowed to die, my punishment hasnt ended yet. i guess it wont end even when my body finally gives out since my hatred and negativity are only getting stronger the more pain and trauma i experience. i was born a month early and almost died at three days old. i should have, the doctors said i would likely have brain damage (i do). only reason i survived was because i hadnt fulfilled the agreement with the evil thing yet.

b) why i hate humans and never trusted them. i know there are good ones out there but how would i know which ones they are when the one i thought was good fucking murdered me? so i just dont allow anyone to get too close because how do i know they wont do it again? i cant trust anyone.

c) why im obsessed with the idea of being someones pet, of having an owner (szay now). because thats how it was before the pain started, when i felt loved. and then again after that, but that was a more negative experience.

d) why i refuse to take orders from anyone except my owner/mate (szay). why i get so pissed off, violent, and suicidal whenever someone tries to tell me i "have to" do anything, especially cops or the government. id literally rather die again than be forced to do what they want just because they say so. they have no right to make me do anything. if they threaten me with imprisonment for refusing then ill just kms out of spite. fuck them all, theyre not my owners. only szay has that kind of authority over me.

e) why ive had nightmares since i was a toddler (maybe before that but i dont remember anything from this life before age 2-3) of humans trying to kill me and turning into a black dog or red dragon to either defend myself or escape.

ive also always had a natural instinct to growl and bite when humans look at me or get too close. even as a toddler, before the abuse and trauma started (or before i perceived it as that and it started affecting me emotionally anyway).

ive always been able to feel my claws, fangs, ears, tail, and fur, (and rarely wings) and my joints always hurt because theyre in the wrong places, (and my buttcrack constantly aches because my tail aint there gdi) but the feelings get more intense when im scared or pissed. i itch and feel invisible bugs on me all the time too, probably fleas? my guts always hurt too either because theyre built wrong or because im not supposed to be able to eat human food (but you can take my chocolate away from me when i die for good lmao)

that last part (the phantom body parts, pain, and bugs) i guess is probably hallucinations from being schizospec, but everything else is real. i know its not a delusion, its just what i was before this existence.

...this post is a mess im sorry. there was more i wanted to say but i forgot. the pain in my intestines and joints is getting bad again. ugh.

[carphoegras]

I don’t ship most of these myself , but your rant/ramble posts on Les Mis ships are funny so I genuinely wanted your opinion on these 👁

1. Enjoltaire

2. Valvert

3. Enjonine

4. Marisette (or whatever Marius x Cosette was called)

5. Javonine (Javert and…Eponine 😭)

6. Marionine (A name a just guessed for Marius x Eponine because I wasn’t bothered to look it up)

7. and uhhh.. Granjonine (I think that was the name)

well hello darling! i live to entertain lol lets get into it i might have to put this under a cut because i think its obvious i have a rambling issue

Enjoltaire : a classic for good reason. they seemed really base level to me at first because i watched the movie first, but once i read the brick and really saw their dynamic i fell for them HARD. for me the beauty of this pairing is really rooted in the substance of their individual characters as opposed to like a romantic relationship. idk its so difficult for me to verbalize why i love them so much i think i just love the idea of finding common ground despite difficulties. enjolras and grantaire mirror each other in such a beautiful way that i feel the musical/movie couldn't really capture without demoting it to a puppy love grantaire/mean enjolras dynamic idk i have such an issue with some portrayals of them because i feel like they create a victim/abuser situation where there wasn't one but that's like a whole post within itself anyway i feel like im getting incoherent i love exr with every fiber of my fucking being just read the brick if you don't get it ok the movie and musical just dont do it justice and for the love of god avoid the fics written in 2012/2013 after the movie hype its all wRONGGGG (i love you george blagden but you created a twink grantaire movement) (they pull each others pigtails okay its a mutual obsession) (enjolras why don't you just ignore him baby? glutton for punishment my dear we all know if you hated him you wouldn't let him hang around) (anyway) i should make a seperate post about my exr feelings bc i could talk ab them for hours

2. Valvert: okay this is where i feel like i can be unpopular with the fandom. i fucking hate this ship. like physically, spiritually, all that. its one of those that i kinda lose respect for the person bc its literally a cop/prisoner thing. its not enemies to lovers. its not a hate love thing. javert's a fucking cop. valjean is his victim. the whole idea of people romanticizing this makes me feel so insanely icky and i think the point of the story has just gone RIGHT over some folks' heads please take a step back and think about it. neolib behavior sorry not sorry

3. Enjonine: enjolras is gay. just like, straight up in the brick enjolras is a gay man. this ship is spawned from straight girls who saw aaron tveit and use eponine as their not like other girls posterchild. just a whole bunch of hetero nonsense. same behavior as the joseph quinn enj x reader bs. honey thats a homosexual man and can we please stop reducing eponine to needing a boyfriend she needs a stable home and a goddamn therapist fucking hell

4. Marisette: okay. i LOVE THEM. i'm a cosette stan myself, and i'm a huge fan of a gooey love at first sight situation. they contrast my love for exr in the sense that they're a very easy love. their parts in the book literally make me SWOOOOOON i can put aside my beef with marius as a combeferre kin to appreciate how sweet they are

5. Javonine??: im sorry wh aht. did the snape x hermione shippers leak into the lm fandom or am i being fucking punked im not discussing this its obvious why this is wrong please tell me its obvious y'all are NASTY

6. Marionine: eh. eh. i mean, like i said with enjonine eponine's problems are not gonna be solved with a dude. i'm really not opposed to them, persay, its just that eponine's love for marius is so incredibly dependent and rooted more in her personal trauma than actual love, so i feel a little weird with them sometimes. sometimes it just gives anti cosette vibes (cough cough bc of the bullshit love triangle angle that the musical markets cough cough) so i tread very carefully with them

7. Granjonine: again what in the damn hell. i'm not dignifying this shit they could be besties but for the love of god george blagden did a number on the straight girls. STOP PROJECTING ONTO EPONINE IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MIND LEAVE HER ALONE

thanks for the ask lovely, i do love rambling even though these ships are baffling lmaoooo

[edwinspaynes]

abhorrent experience 30 november

i'm taking a journalism class for fun (idc about my grade because i'm never gonna use my transcript) and, uh, today was literally awful

kickin' things off with my professor telling me that an AI could easily do my job and totally interrupting me when i begin to explain that this is in fact not the case since people tried to replace me with AI last year and came crawling back to me the second they realised the AI sucked ass

the professor going on a tirade about how AI is the future of academia and she believes in preparing "us" (me, age 27, and a bunch of college freshmen and sophomores) for the real world

and how, as a result of that, she will be feeding information from our final projects into an AI

me: "can i opt out of you using my writing to train AI"

professor: "uh uh i won't be training it, i'll be experimenting with it to learn how the AI can improve writing and see whether the AI can do it better than you"

me, not wanting to fight my professor in front of the whole fucking class, resolving not to do the project because i refuse to help AI: lol kay

and then it gets worse

one girl is doing her final report on body cams for cops, so she went to the chief of police to ask for a statement. he gave one, and she asked if she could talk to patrolling officers - he said only if she went through "a lot of people" (not telling her who those people were), and the girl took a hint and didnt pester him

anyway the professor begins to tell the girl that she needs to interview the patrolling officers despite what the chief told her and starts insisting that she lie to the cops and say that the chief sent her to them and said it was okay

the girl : "you want me to lie to the cops?"

the professor starts gaslighting her into thinking that she didn't (i promise i am not someone who uses the word gaslight lightly)

i interject because i'm not going to let her gaslight this teenager, "yeah you told her to lie to the cops"

this leads to a 20ish minute altercation between the professor and the 10ish students in the class where we all rally behind the girl and say she shouldn't be required to lie to the cops to pass the class

after all cops are notoriously nice to random people who ask too many questions, right?

anyhoo she then starts going on about how she has tenure and can go back in the system and fail people with inadequate sources, and pretends this is a different conversation, but it's not

then finally the altercation ends and she shows us this powerpoint and starts talking about (it was relevant) this one girl who hated her in the past

she's like "she probably hated me because i called her the wrong name all the time, but idk, people hate me for lots of reasons"

the girl she tried to gaslight burst out laughing

oh my god it was a mess

i'm really hurt that the professor thinks i could be replaced with an AI because, like, not to be haughty, but i'm a good writer! i am damn talented and know it! i'm better than an AI!

also i really fucking hope this girl goes to a higher-up because she uh. should not need to lie to cops to get a passing grade in her college course

[mommalosthermind]

Gonna do that thing where I rant about how other people confuse the shit out of me for a sec-

Because, honestly, is it a new thing? To be this up in everyone’s parenting? OR. Have i managed to mostly avoid this (from strangers. Family I’ve just. Stopped talking to.) by not having any friends as a kid and then also only recently being tricked into talking to neighbors by my Extreme Golden Retriever of a youngest child? I do not fucking get it.

*no*, mom up the street, I would NOT like to get a watch like your kid has, I do not care that it’s only $10/m on your phone plan. I do not need more bills, for starters!! I have three kids, you think i should be dropping 30/m? On a watch that’s more phone than watch? Girlie, they do not HAVE phones for a fucking reason. Several reasons. Oh, it’s for your peace of mind. Right. Well. Here’s a piece of mine:

I do not need to be strapping an expensive piece of tech onto my black hole of a kid. My son’s bedroom door has a hole large enough for a toddler to crawl through. I *know* he will break the damn thing if it’s not lost within 12 hours. And maybe it’s just me but buying something with the SOLE PURPOSE OF CONSTANTLY SPYING ON MY KID seems like a BAD FUCKING PRECEDENT actually!!

“But he’s only 11!! What if he gets kidnapped! Or hit by a truck! Or lost! Or abducted by aliens!!”

Baby girl you watch too many cop shows. There’s no huge spike in violence, there’s better reporting and fear-mongering coverage. Do you think everyone is out to get you, specifically, because you watch too many cop shows, or because you’re so deep in your weird little cult that the brown kid across the street is the enemy despite being a grand ten years old?

My kid is just as safe—is actually more safe than I was as a kid, because a decent chunk of my hill town life I was on what amounted to a highway. That i was crossing regularly. By myself. Sometimes on a bike, to go read at the reservoir, or the river, or the school. Alone. By my self!! Where no one knew where I was because that was the entire point!! OH! And sometimes!! Not willingly at all!! Because when the fucking dogs got out I would stick my arm through the collar and get my ass dragged to the cemetery because there was no way my 80lb ass was stopping the nearly 300lb Great Dane that wanted to hang out with the birds across the highway but if I wasn’t with the damn dog when the neighbors alerted my mother I would be so very unbelievably dead. Anyway. I am not dead. I was not spied on by anything other than neighbors and the going-to-work traffic that became to used to watching me get dragged by dogs that they would just. Drive to my mother’s work and be like yo, your kid is flapping in the wind behind Hercules again.

I had to deal with MOOSE. I had to haul ass into the house because a mama bear wanted her kids to play on my swing set. I had to cross four fucking lanes of traffic to get to the park. I did not get a cellphone until I was sixteen, driving, and had a job, and even then it was because my mother gave me the first one because, and I quote, “when your ass makes a wrong turn and ends up in canada, you should maybe tell me.”

My youngest! Is wandering around the same three fucking self-contained streets! No one even comes down here unless they live here because there is nowhere to go. This is hilariously the most insulated place I have ever lived and I hate it so much because I can see into about eight different house from my backyard. I feel so watched all the time. Literally what do you think is going to happen if you don’t have a constant bead on your kid other than your kid having serious issues as an adult.

ANYWAY. That got away from me. The POINT. I am not making at all here is that I do not understand the need to be constantly spying on your kids in the name of safety. I don’t care how often you make sideways comments about how I’m a bad, neglectful parent. Especially from a woman who taught her kid that ‘you’re a good Christian’ is the highest compliment, and the word ‘lesbian’ is a heinous curse word punishable by like, death, or something.

I hate that I can’t exist anywhere in the world without being spied on or recorded, why the fuck would I normalize that for my kids who are independent people who deserve privacy and the right to learn how to be a person WITHOUT ME hovering?

Let! The kid! Roam! He’s got a watch! It tells the fucking time! He knows when to be home! And he’s in his own neighborhood, making friends and learning how to be something that isn’t me!

[aqueeracademic]

morse being queer (and other commentary) pt 10:

season 3, episode 2, “Arcadia”:

- this is the ULTIMATE morse x jakes episode so listen up!

- i am so dehydrated so this is your reminder to drink water asap

- the men not helping a woman DYING IN THE STREET because they’re too busy being RACIST is so fucked

- like wtf r u doing

- too much i’ll tell u that

- doing too goddam much

- joan is such a daddy’s girl i love her

- i really wish monica and morse worked out

- they’re both familiar with death and familiar with a commitment to a taxing job like they get each other

- in fairness i also wished he’d have worked out with jakes but we all know what happens this episode!

- “you’re very rude.” “no, i’m very busy.”

- werk morse ‼️

- the milk man was not nearly phased enough by that explosion

- TREWLOVE MY BELOVED

- jakes and morse’s hands touched when jakes gave him his beer 🥰🥰🥰

- [thursday] “morse has some reservations about this death by fire.” [jakes] “what’s new?” [morse] “…” [jakes] “no. go on! who was he?”

- husbands. literally husbands

- thursday making fun of jakes for not saying anything inappropriate to Trewlove and jakes laughing while looking at morse while morse blushes

- i’ll be sick!

- morse is so pretty!!!! pretty boy!

- house beautiful is a fuckin cult

- as an avid follower of Abbie Hoffman, i wanted to get defensive about thursday’s stance on free love but he’s right 🙄🙄 besides gideon is an abuser so whatever

- END ILLEGAL REGIME!!

- i don’t like morse being characterized as someone who doesn’t support protest even tho he’s a cop and therefore would definitely be anti protest 🫤

- jakes helping morse move in 🥰🥰

- i’m sick.

- morse thanking him and asking him out for a drink and being upset when he says no 😀 i’m so normal about them 😀

- joan is so cute i’m obsessed w her

- “do the honors”

- i love jakes because he knows he’s leaving so he’s just being overtly nice to morse to be as close to him as possible for his final days

- once again, i’m SICK over them

- jakes approaches morse really slowly because he’s nervous to tell him

- “i’ve been meaning to say…”

- which translates to: “i’ve been wanting to tell you i’m leaving, but i didn’t know how to tell you. you, specifically.”

- “you’re resigning? you kept that quiet.”

- morse is slightly offended that jakes wouldn’t tell him right away. they’re friends, aren’t they? but maybe they’re not. maybe he’s wrong

- “she’s a great girl.” “i’m sure she is.”

- trying to be supportive. smiling and nodding and saying “that’s great news!” despite knowing he’s going to lose jakes to it all

- then again, morse is the only one who knows, really knows, what jakes has been through

- he knows it’s best for jakes to get out while he can

- settle down with a beautiful girl somewhere really far away

- somewhere he’ll never see him again

- and it’s the way that morse’s smile drops as soon as jakes walks away. as soon as jakes invites him to his party and looks for a final time deep in his eyes and touches his shoulder

- his smile drops immediately and he lets him go

- but morse looks back for him. like orpheus he looks back, which only solidifies he’s lost him

- ANYWAYYYYYYYYY‼️‼️‼️

- this woman is so 🤮🤮🤮

- calling a younger man to your house under the guise of an intruder is wild to me

- maybe that’s just me

- the way morse is so CATTY during this scene

- he said when they go low

- i got LOW-ER ‼️🤞

- “i’m sure i’m not the first woman you’ve seen in her underclothes.”

- i’m UNCOMFORTABLE

- i can’t tell if she’s supposed to be older than him or not

- i feel like she is

- “do you not like women?”

- and then he says NOTHING??

- sir she thinks ur gay and ur just gonna take that????

- (he is gay)

- his JAWLINE IN THIS SCENE??? THE HEAVY SWALLOW?? LOOKING DOWN AT HER??

- i’m fucking sick

- so ill.

- he has no reason to have rizz like this

- their house is so ugly

- i hate modern architecture

- morse putting himself in harms way so he can ensure jakes will make it out alive and safe by the end of the week 😐

- “Sudden.” <- him talking about jakes leaving

- the way morse is just so clearly not okay with jakes leaving and doesn’t know how to express it

- strange and trewlove are so truly besties i’m obsessed

- morse and jakes going off together even though they swear they don’t along 🙄

- “second thoughts?”

- no need to sound excited morse

- he’s not staying 🫤🫤 no matter how much you want him to 🫤

- “mind how you go” + “watch yourself” = they care about each other so much

- he called him peter i’m gonna VOMIT

- “peter, you’ve got something to lose!”

- morse acting like his death wouldn’t affect the people around him

- he really thinks he isn’t important it makes me sick

- CALLING HIM PETER??????

- jakes telling a joke immediately so morse knows he’s ok

- i’m so sick

- do you guys think jakes ever called morse by his first name?

- i just wanna know 😀😀

- i swear jakes makes any excuse to just take his jacket off

- always walking around in just his shirt sleeves

- he knows he’s….. he is!

- “bad luck”

- thank u jakes

- always supporting his boyfriend

- morse being so obviously uncomfortable in a religious setting is… relatable

- “because i didn’t want to disappoint her. she’d had enough of that.”

- morse loved his mom so much i’m so not okay

- “‘still your mind’ she’d say. ‘still your mind.’ never had the knack.”

- IM HIM AND HES ME

- update he isn’t against protest work! as long as it follows the law 🙄🙄

- ^he donates to AmnOx

- this lady slapping him and him being completely unphased has me 😧

- like wtf was that

- i understand this lady is miserable but don’t smack people

- she’s so weird

- joan asking morse about jakes just to see how he’s handling it 🫤

- i’m so obsessed w trewlove you don’t get it

- them forcing her to get an abortion just because the father was black and a revolutionary is so 🤮

- can women ever just do what they want to do with their lives?

- this girl is so crazy

- stealing a child and then calling the person calling you out “mean”???

- babes you stole a BABY

- these girls are homosexuals i fear ‼️

- jakes going from a lost boy to a cowboy <3

- morse is so hurt in this episode i’ll never understand it

- he never shows up for jakes when he needs it

- can they just HUG like men

- jakes’ lady being called Hope is SOMETHKNG THAY CAN BE SO PERSONAL

- THE DIALOGUE:

- “It’s hope.” “Make a go of it.” “I mean to.”

- HE MEANS TO GET BETTER. HE MEANS TO HEAL AND HOLD ONTO HOPE OF A BETTER TOMORROW. HE GETS TO GET OUT

- HE GETS TO GET BETTER AND BE FREE

- i’m so sick

- i literally only care about him

- might as well stop watching now

- “you’ll miss him.” “he kept me on my toes. No, i’m glad!… if anyone deserved it.” and then WALKING INTO THE RAIN WHILE THURSDAY WATCHES SADLY??????

- he loved him. and he’ll miss him. and thursday knows it.

- and i’ll miss him too

[motheatenscarf]

Beat Heavensward!

It's getting harder and harder to stop and post my thoughts as I come across them because... idk, I'm in a bit of a funk. And also because I find myself more and more just mentioning these thoughts to my friends who are also playing through the same story as I am and we all appear to be enjoying it differently and are having lengthier discussions there and I wind up not having the energy to post it here.

So, I'm gonna make a few posts in a row based on some screenshots I'm going through!

My most recent/immediate impressions are as follows;

I REALLY liked Ysayle and I was sorry to see her die but I saw that one coming a mile away. Also, god forbid they have any interesting women in this game. Sigh.

Lucia, all my hopes are on you, don't die, and Alisaie, maybe don't grow up anytime soon, I don't think they'll kill a little girl but all of the interesting women are doomed :T

But yeah, Ysayle did nothing wrong, she had nothing to atone for, her death makes sense from a character perspective, I understand why she FELT like she had to make up for her mistakes, but she did nothing wrong and I liked her a lot and am sad she's gone. I wish the narrative acknowledged her passing as sorrowfully as it acknowledged Haurchefant's, but I also get why it didn't do that.

At least Estinien commented on her passing favorably.

And uh, yeah, lol, the Estinien thing getting overtaken by Nidhogg's fury thing kinda came out of left field. I know it was something that had been telegraphed, but I was talking with my friends moments before I watched him turn into a dragon and saying, "Yeah, I really thought there would be more of a thing with him struggling to control his rage, but I guess they had other things they wanted to focus on." And uh... then he transformed out of no where once he had the second eye of Nidhogg.

And rather than taking it seriously, I just made.... .SO MANY jokes about Estinien and his balls because it was a deeply unearned dramatic moment.

But yeah, I was coming around on Estinien, we'll miss him, oh well lol.

Speaking of coming around on characters, I DID, grudgingly, come around on Aymeric and it makes me so angry lol.

I really wanted to hate him because he was a cop, but he's a good dude. It's a fantasy story, we can ride dragons and there can be ONE good cop who is actually tragically idealistic and morally upstanding. And we have to protect him or Isghard is gonna stay in the dark ages forever. I really wish we could have seen him confront his father in the final showdown, but that's an old issue I have is making the WoL face enemies alone.

I liked Y'shtola's mentor as well, but she was there for 5 seconds and my favorite thing about her was her enchanted broom that quoted Mr. Sparkle (there are A LOT of good classic simpsons references in this game, the Fates especially Jesus Christ), and also she uhhhhhh didn't matter apparently. I hated that whole time wasting detour and the fact that Y'shtola is here and she is as unflappable and emotive as a fucking rock despite essentially getting a terminal diagnosis for her time in the lifestream. Just not a single emotion behind those dead, dull eyes.

Which, to me at least, speaks to the VAST improvement in the quality of writing that Y'shtola, the best character from ARR's scions, is notably the weakest element here. Alphinaud's gone through some great character development, Tataru is utilized well as an endearing element, and the new characters from Isghard are all of them genuinely interesting and compelling, even the cop whom it took me forever to come around on, I like Aymeric, I liked Estinien and Ysayle and Haurchefant. I LOVED the Dark Knight class story. The Paladin class story sucked, but even just regional questlines like the hunters in Tailfeather and the Vath and the dragons and the soldiers in cloudtop or Falcon's Nest or even the moogles in Moghome were all interesting!

Which is I think why I get so frustrated by the pacing sometimes is because it has all these fantastic elements if it would just give them the attention they deserve and not bounce around like crazy or handwave things that deserve time and focus.

It's fun and it's pretty good but it could be AMAZING if it would just fully commit to itself.

[micamicster]

Ok opinions on the end of the untamed beyond incoherent screaming

Perfect open-ended conclusion. The right amount of bittersweet but with possibility. Can’t believe the needle they managed to thread there with the censors incredible work round of applause.

Kinda the same as point one but they do an incredible job wrapping up the Wei wuxian Jiang cheng conflict like… nobody is completely in the right nobody is completely in the wrong and at the end of the day no matter how much you wish you could just cut ties and move on you’re permanently linked together. You can’t hate them because you still love them. You can’t love them because you’re still angry. It’s so ugly and it’s so good. That final take care gutted me im bleeding out as we speak

The only woman to survive this show is, at best, a tertiary character. I hate to see it

They should have leaned more into the gothic creepiness of the final arc. Go full necrophilia with jgy and nie mingjue’s head! He’s already so fucked up whats one more violent transgression!

Speaking of gothic that last scene with wwx whistling was soooo creepy i loved it

My actual biggest disappointment was that it’s a cop out to have jgy be the one to actually kill jin xizuhan. Sorry but I think it makes the story less complex and the relationships less interesting if wwx bears no responsibility for that at all! I liked the story better and it hurt worse when wwx did in fact kill his brother in law with friendly fire sorry. I may make a longer post further justifying this I feel v strongly about it

The pacing on this show is horrendous. I’m addicted yes i binged it in 2 weeks yes but that’s despite everything about the show. Why was the climax 5 episodes long and each episode is a different conversation in the same room. Who planned this

Obsessed with the way that all of his fucked up uncles love jin ling so much. Jin guangyao strangling jin ling coming like five minutes after he says with heartbreaking sincerity that one of the worst things his father did to him was keep him from holding baby jin ling. That poor kid suddenly understands the fuckedupness of family relationships on a whole other level after that line

I feel very strongly that there is no way wen ning can possibly have simple uncomplicated entirely positive feelings toward wwx and being resurrected as a zombie like… the themes of consent and autonomy and the number of times someone in this story saves someone they love by warping or imprisoning or violating them… it’s so complex and painful. That said wwx wiping dirt off his zombie’s face like he’s a little kid makes me bawl

I get that it was for dramatic effect that the wen yuan reveal happens in the last episode but seriously lwj what the fuck. Your boyfriend sadly reminisces about a child he loved who’s dead now and you don’t TELL HIM THE KID’S ALIVE?? I get that y’all had a lot going on but what the hell is wrong with your priorities

ALL THIS SAID. I am obsessed I am weeping I have brainworms for life

[hannah-probably]

I hate everything right now.

I'm so goddamned scared for my life. It's like... this past year, everything has just fallen apart for me.

I receive a very traumatizing work injury that basically exacerbated the symptoms of the PTSD I already had making it even harder to function, I push away all my friends and then they fucking pile onto me with all the issues they had with me despite never bringing it up before and when I call them out for not even attempting to reach out to me when I was depressed they acted shocked and suddenly they had "no idea that all I wanted was to fit in and feel like a part of the group," I then meet the best person I've ever fucking met, and over the course of dating for 3 months and being happy and for once feeling like I was loved even if it was still hard to believe accept and trust but ultimately they ended up fucking ghosting me when things get a little too awkward with me being "needy" and "pushy" (I literally would just fucking send them a text each day wishing them well and once a week I'd ask if they were available to call because I knew they were busy and didn't want to fucking pressure them) but no that's apparently too fucking much and that's manipulative so I don't even fucking know anymore, and then I lose my goddamned job because I can't think or function and it's like there's a constant fog in my mind that's making me forget shit and I kept breaking things, and I was and still am in massive financial debt, and then my brother fucking lashes out at me for crying because the dog is puking and I'm struggling to clean it up and I feel like I fucked everything up again and I just wanted the week of us watching the house to be fine and calm and of course something goes wrong last minute and it's my fucking fault again but no apparently me crying is "scaring" my brother and he starts telling me to shut up and go upstairs and I'm trying to tell him to be gentle and patient with me and to back off but no he keeps yelling and accuses me of trapping him when all this fucking started because when I started crying all I hear is "OH MY GOOOOOD..." in the most annoyed and dismissive and hurtful fucking tone so of course I defend myself and start asking him what the hell his problem is and why he keeps fucking doing this to me and why he's never apologized and I fucking go outside and beg my dad to pick me up and he runs out screaming how I'm a "psychopathic freak" and that I'm a liar and manipulator and all this fucking just hurt me so fucking much he threatened to call the cops on me despite the fact he's the one screaming at me so loud the whole fucking neighborhood can hear it and I'm just on the fucking asphalt crying, and now this. Now I'm scared that I'll be fucking like outted as being trans cos it was all through my insurance and shit and I'll lose my access to HRT and that was THE ONE FUCKING THING I HAD. The one good fucking thing that felt like I was actually making progress on. Gone. Fuck everything. Fuck this stupid country, this stupid planet. I wish I were never fucking born. Why the fuck is everything falling apart all the goddamned time.

If I wasn't such a coward, I would have ended it years ago. I'm still a fucking coward. I still won't do it. But I fucking want to. I have no reason to live.

[hoediaz]

who is agn? i've seen loads of posts about 'her' but idk who she is or what's going on

sorry to be an absolute bitch but she is the worst blog on this website for real. putting this under a read more so people who don’t suffer rage black outs don’t have to deal with this.

chelsea mentioned some of her highlights before which include some overt racism and homophobia but last night she really decided to up her game. first, she spent weeks pulling the word retcon out of her ass and slapping it on every plot point she doesn’t like or understand instead of rubbing together two brain cells to even attempt to comprehend how narratives might work (including eddie ana’s break up since, according to her, eddie was Clearly in love with ana in 4x13 during the follow your heart scene and yet at the same time he was a misogynist and treated her terribly :/ did you know panic attacks are misogynistic? shame all those panic attacks i’ve had have been out of misogyny and not mental illness if only i had known id be able to attend agn’s school of feminism and cure myself). but then with the end of bt (aka the departure of her most beloved girl boss who can do no wrong, since i don’t think she cares about bt at all past taylor since she actively hates buck) (and yet. while she hates buck she never treats him with the same vitriol she gives eddie. now i’d say that’s racism but according to her eddie’s white so! guess it’s texas phobic or something :/) she went completely off the rails.

part of this was of course! saying it was a retcon despite the multiple references to dosed but what can we expect from someone who learned the word retcon last week and never bothered to dig up the meaning. it’s ok i get it i did the same in the ninth grade with words like pathetic fallacy and i don’t think you need anything higher than a ninth grade education to work at fox news. anyway! that led to saying anyone celebrating the bt break up is a misogynist! bc idk if you knew this but apparently 911 is the taylor kelly show and everything should be about HER development, not buck’s, and if you celebrate buck’s development you’re a woman hater just like eddie ❤️ now EYE am actually a woman hater because i think taylor kelly and owen strand should move to ohio together to start a bed and breakfast, the bt bones celebration was just a bonus.

and when that wasn’t enough absolute bullshit stupidity for one night, she decided to use her time to type out a post onto oliver stark’s internet in which she called buck a “dirty firefighter” for not wanting his gf to report on an incident that involved his family, equating him to dirty cops that protect other corrupt cops. because that’s a totally fucking proportional reaction to having your fictional ship break up, because police corruption is not a genuine thing that happens in real life and impacts real people who aren’t taylor fucking kelly. i fr even hours later don’t even have the words to put together to express how fucking stupid and insensitive and offensive that is. it is genuinely beyond me how you could ever in your life see a FICTIONAL couple break up and become so fucking unhinged you think it’s ok to make light of real issues to force a fictional character into some make believe villain role just so you can avenge a side character on a ryan murphy production. get some fucking help for real.

anyway last night when she posted i reblogged it calling her an idiot and she immediately blocked me, just like she blocked every other person who tried to reblog it to point out how offensive that was which is always a good sign that you’re being rational.

oh also she said taylor and lucy should be together which was just personally offensive to me, a lucy understander, and then also, since miss agn can’t go three seconds without being generally offensive, she has to say taylor/lucy would be better than buddie bc buck and eddie are [checks notes] white men and taylor and lucy are oh dear…. yeah :/

in conclusion agn is racist, homophobic, terminally fucking stupid, and also cowardly to boot and i hope she has an absolutely terrible day. i hope fox news fires her. i hope megan west never has a job again just to spite agn. bt is finally bones and the fact that that makes agn feral is all i need, get fucked agn.

[jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue]

Our little love part 2 - mafia/yandere au Drabble {angst + fluff}

As always please let me know what you think, I am actually going to go to bed now my brain is angry with me for not sleeping.

It seemed the cycle was never ending, you fucking up and pissing them off, them punishing you by drowning you in their love, only letting you come up to breathe so you could swim in your own guilt and submit to them.

You wince as the victim to your latest fuck up gets another blow to his chest. Taehyung and Hobi held onto his arms as Jungkook and Jimin kick and punch the poor individual. You know not to speak, it’ll only make things worse. Temperament was a fickle thing in their lives, trust was everything, and you still had to build yours up again.

“Y/n help please,” Kai whimpers as you stood with your arms crossed looking away.

“Don’t fucking say her name,” Jungkook growled before punching your ex colleague in the face. You’re frowning, the need to beg them to stop was fighting for exit on the top of your tongue, but you bite it down and pray Kai doesn’t say another word. You know if you do as he asks they’d kill him. Your punishment was to watch silently.

Yoongi strolls up behind you, hands in his pockets before he rests his head on your shoulder, watching the display in front of you both.

“Nothing to say little love?” He whispers as your friend groans out in pain.

Please don’t kill him, you want to say, but you just shake your head in defeat. You want to believe they’re better than this, but the evidence of the contrary was never hidden from you. They showed you every side of them whether proud of it or not with bold eyes daring you to stop loving them, pushing your boundaries and morals waiting for you to snap. But the breaking point never came, you loved them, you shouldn’t and you knew it, but you did. You were completely and utterly theirs, yet still they treated you like you hadn’t seen the worst of them. Like you would run away the second you realised they were monsters, not that they would let you run far, only far enough to let you take a single breath before making you drown in them once again.

Yoongi wraps his arms around your waist, keeping an eye on your reactions. The asshole deserved it, not that they cared either way, he tried to take you away from them, that was enough.

Kai was your old partner before you took a very early retirement, what you didn’t know was that he continued the case you were working on before you left; the case of the seven men you now loved and the reason you quit said job. He had called you to meet up for old times sake and you, very naively in Yoongi’s mind, decided it was harmless. But if it was harmless why didn’t you say anything to the boys? You thought Kai didn’t know the reason you handed in your resignation, but he had been keeping an eye on you all before he realised you were the key to their downfall. He knew you harboured some feeling for him in the past and thought you’d reciprocate when he tried to flirt his way into getting his hands on the evidence you collected, he didnt know you burned it all. You lied to him and said you lost it, same difference anyway. This prompted plan b from him.

“Y/n they’re criminals,” he had said to you. “You’re a cop at heart you can’t love them.”

You floundered at his words when you realised he knew, and yet he still asked you to betray them.

“Kai I think I need to go...”

It was a mistake, you knew it then, but he followed you out onto the street and you hoped tonight the men you loved weren’t keeping an eye on you. Maybe naive was an understatement.

“Are they coercing you Y/n! Do they have something on you or are they threatening you?” He calls after you. “Because the Y/n I know would never love killers, what have they done to you?”

It was when he reached his hand out to grab your arm that your boyfriends decided to show themselves from the shadows. Which lead to the situation now, Kai beat up and bruised beyond recognition, and you forced to watch. He falls unconscious and they let him drop to the floor, you hate this side of them, it was cruel and cold but you’d never leave. They turn to face you now, their anger still present despite the last hour of releasing it onto your old partner. They don’t miss the way you’re shaking, the shallow breaths as you try and keep your tears to yourself. As much as you hate their violence, you hate their disappointment in you more.

——————————————————————————

You’re sitting in Joonie’s lap for what you call the debriefing of your punishment, this happened way too often in your opinion. You look down but he wasn’t having it today, tilting your head to look at him by your chin.

“Why did you get punished today little love?” He starts the same way as usual.

“I went out without telling you guys where I was going or who with,” you say while fiddling with your fingers out of nervous habit.

“And?” Hobi sits across from you in a chair, legs straddling the back and an elbow rested on top with his fist holding up his face. Hobi was hardest to pacify, he was ruthless and unforgiving and while that didn’t extend to you, you still had a hard time with his stubborn anger.

“I met up with Kai, and I let him touch me,” you’ve done this too many times before to not know how it worked. Kai’s ‘touch’ obviously meant nothing to you but for them it was the worst crime anyone could commit against their little love.

You remember the time you nearly tripped in the park and a guy steadied you politely, but you still had to hold Jungkook back from throwing hands.

“Kookie would you rather I fell and hurt myself?” No he hadn’t wanted that so he grumbled in agreement still seething but you cooled it down. “Instead of hitting him maybe you should thank him,” it was a joke but it made the youngest scoff.

“Baby girl why can’t you just be good?” Namjoon’s sigh brings you back to the present. “Why do you always have to test us like this?”

You didn’t mean to, you want to say it but the words are stuck below the sob in your throat. You actually whimper as his tone, bottom lip wobbling pathetically. He hadn’t even told you off properly, but you already felt like a mess as he bathed you in his disappointment. That was the common consequence of your actions and you hated it, you couldn’t do anything right.

——————————————————————————

“Jin do you need help with the food?” You ask your eldest boyfriend politely, he was frowning and you thought it was because today’s meal was too much for him to handle alone, his tone of voice made you realise it was because of you.

“No, I’m alright,” he doesn’t look at you as he speaks and you’re left gaping at him like a fish. Jin loved it when you cooked with him, it was your bonding time without the others, although Yoongi would join you from time to time. The others also tried but Jin wouldn’t let them anywhere near the kitchen, they hogged you enough anyway.

You feel your soul deflate, still standing there as he ignored you.

“Are you mad at me too?”

The way you said it made his heart twinge with guilt, but the others were right you wouldn’t learn and your first betrayal was still fresh on their minds. He sighs and you turn away, refusing to crying in front of them for the tenth time that day. What was wrong with you? Ever since that day where they found out who you really were you felt like you werent enough anymore, you tried so hard to make up for it all but you kept messing up. You weren’t like this before, but after seeing the hurt you put them through you were constantly on edge and second guessing yourself. You wish you could go back and stop them from ever finding out.

Jin hears the sniffle as you walk away and he can’t go through with it.

“Wait little love,” he calls for you. “I forgot to cut the onions, would you mind?”

You shake your head, you didn’t mind, but you didn’t trust your voice to answer for you. Youre grateful to Jin for giving you this task, it hides the fact you’re crying, but you know he doesn’t miss it.

——————————————————————————

Jimin and Taehyung were giving you narrowed stern gazes through dinner, it put you off your food which resulted in getting told off by Jin just after he branched out to you in the kitchen.

You felt alone, like the seven men you loved were against you and there was no one to blame but yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you say quietly before getting up and removing yourself from the dinner table and dining room, ignoring all of their stares. You decide maybe an early night is best, you could start again fresh tomorrow. You don’t get too far up the stairs before a hand pulls you back, you turn to see Jimin with Tae a few steps behind him.

You’re so used to seeing them laugh and play around that it feels like you’re looking at different people. Even during missions or gun fights, the youngest three were always joking their way through the bloodshed, keeping scores of who got the most headshots and other grotesque games. You remember the time Jimin and Tae called you during he middle of a shoot out, arguing with you and each other over who you loved more out of the two while you begged them to not get shot or killed.

“Why did you go see him Y/n?” Jimin asked, he wore the demeanour he used for enemies and it takes you back to that night.

“I... h-he said he wanted to see me to catch up,” you explain but you know it’ll fall on deaf ears.

“And you thought that was a good idea, to see your old cop buddy?” His tone makes you feel stupid, you weren’t stupid.

“He was my friend Jimin,” you say in disbelief, you know in the end it was a mistake but at the time it didn’t seem like the worst idea in the world.

“You’re ours,” Taehyung moved forward, towering over you even though he’s a step below you. His face is close to your own, eyes burning into yours as he looks disgusted at the words that left your mouth as if they’re still attached to you. “How do you think we felt when you went to see another detective? Do you have any idea what was going through our heads?”

“Tae I love you,” you lean away from him, searching his face for a hint of softness and love in his gaze, but there was only fire. “You know I wouldn’t, you all know I wouldn’t, I left that life for you why would I turn back to it?”

He stalks away from you without a word, Jimin close behind, giving you a final cold glance before leaving you alone. You thought your love could make them better but if anything you made their darkness worse.

——————————————————————————

Jungkook needed to vent, the only way he knew how was physically. Obviously it wasn’t the cleverest thing he’s done, taking rounds with the punching bag only to open up the cuts on his hand from beating the bastard earlier. He mutters a few curse words under his breath, why did you make matters worse? Maybe they were being harsh on you before today, finding any excuse to punish you a little, test your boundaries and see if you would run, but today they honestly feared that was what happened. They thought you chose to leave them and go back to the life you had before them, but they’d never let you go, they couldn’t let you go. Despite everything you loved them and they worshipped the ground you walked on. You were everything for them now, there’s be no point to any of them without you. Why didn’t you understand that?

He throws another punch to the bag, spreading his blood across them, it hurt like hell, but the thought of you running back to your old partner still played on all of their minds. He wanted to cry, he wanted to find you and beg you to never leave them, they’d be nothing without you.

There’s a knock on the door and he finds you on the other side, waiting for permission to come in. You never waited for permission, it makes him frown, maybe they were too harsh on you today. He could see you shuffling your weight, insecurity screaming through your eyes, you feared his rejection more than his anger.

He notices the first aid kit in your hand, you must’ve heard him. He doesn’t let the fluttering in his chest reach his face as he sits on the bench, waiting for you to come to him.

His gaze is expectant, daring you to cross the threshold and face him, you were no coward, you didn’t fear them the way others did, why were you behaving so meekly now? You force yourself to move and sit beside him, setting the kit down and pushing your hair back behind your ears. He doesn’t move his gaze away from you, even with the sweat and hair hanging in front of his face.

You carefully take a his hand into yours, sucking air between your teeth at how injured it was.

“I’m sorry you hurt yourself because of me,” you say, eyes on his bloodied knuckle as you press the ointment against the open wounds. “Are you sure you want me to stay, I keep hurting you...”

You try to sound like you’re joking, that you’re okay and the hurt isn’t weighing you down with your doubts. He frowns, they really did take it too far. He sets down the cotton wool from your grasp, taking both of hands into his before kissing each finger delicately without letting you look away.

“You’re perfect little love,” Jungkook says, reassuring you with no question in his voice. “We’re the ones who don’t deserve you, we’re mean and cruel but we’re never letting you go.”

You remember how loving they were before that night, maybe while they accepted the truth at face value they could never really forgive you in their hearts. Maybe that’s why they were being like this, they didn’t love you the same way anymore.

“Do you love me?” You had to know, the doubt was eating you alive.

He looks at you as if you’re insane, maybe you are, you don’t know anymore.

“Little love, don’t you see how much we love you?” He asks sincerely. “We would do anything for that love even if it made you hate us, you belong with us, and no one is going to take you away.”

You could see the crazed look in his face grow as he spoke, you believed him, the honestly worn like a heart on a sleeve. But his answer bought a wave clarity to your hazed vision, you made them like this, you made them worse, you had to leave.